Hi Squirrelgirl,
I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site here. You sound like someone that tries to find ways to repair things and not give up easily. I can relate with that.
Divorce is a very personal thing and I think that partly goes with a r/s being a personal thing as well too. Nobody can tell you to stay or go that’s a choice that will take to sort out.
It’s possible that the symptoms will become worse if you tell a pwBPD that they have BPD. It’s a deeply stigmatized disorder and its the most difficult to treat out of all of the personality disorders.
Now if you turn the telescope the other way around how would you feel if you were told that you have BPD and one of the most difficult personality disorders?
That being said a mental illness that is more widely accepted in the population is anxiety and depression which is often comorbid with BPD. You could suggest that she get help for either and that way that can nudge her in the right direction and a professional can talk to her about BPD if they diagnose it correctly. Has she had depression and anxiety in the past? Did she get it treated?