There’s a lot to unpack here. And you’ve posted on the correct board, as you’d like to get back together with her.
But you don’t want her the way she is. You want who you think she
could be, should she commit to years of DBT.
As she currently is:
She invented transgressions that you allegedly did.
She lacks capacity for forgiveness.
She remembers everything you did wrong, while refusing to take accountability for her own misdeeds.
She lives with another guy, but tells you you’re her true love.
She only hit you somewhat hard and didn’t destroy many of your possessions.
She used sleep deprivation and screaming fits to try to control you.
She tried to destroy your friendships.
She blames you for everything and has decided you are a narcissist.
She abused you constantly when you shared a bed with her.
Yet...
She shares your values and ticks every box, though she refuses to commit to therapy.
You believe there is a good person there, and you don’t think you’ll ever meet anyone who will favorably compare to her.
You don’t care that you may be codependent and trying to act as her savior.
###
I would agree that you sound codependent. It seems evident after listing all the behaviors that you were willing to put up with. Here’s an article that might be beneficial for you to read. Something that may not have occurred to you is how demeaning it is for her if she is aware that you think she needs “saving”. And how very conditional it is that you’d gladly have her back after years of DBT, providing she shows receipts.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationshipsI would guess that you grew up in a family where one member had a personality disorder. Most people who grew up in healthy families would be reluctant to enter into a relationship with someone who manifested the traits you have listed. Those of us who had a family member with a PD often are not scared away by such behavior, as it seems familiar.
Another thing to consider is that personality disorders are lifelong. That said, behavior can improve with commitment to therapy, something that most people with BPD are unfortunately reluctant to do.
So you can’t just have “the good side” of her, even if she does DBT for several years. She is all that you see, both sides, and to tell her you only want the
best side of her will be very invalidating for her to hear.