I'm new here

[SG82]

Hi,

    I just joined. I found the group through the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I am a married man in my late 30's and I have a younger sister with BPD. I am hoping I can find some people to talk to and get some advice. Thanks

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome, SG82!  We're glad you're here!

What prompted you to read SWOE? Would love to know more about your story when you're ready to share.

Again, welcome!

[Skip]

Can you tell us more?

[SG82]

so more background. So my sister and I are 4.5 years apart. When she was a teenager and I was in college, there were times when she would get verbally hostile. Though at the time we didn't know about this borderline personality disorder. In the family we all thought she was going through a difficult phase which she would eventually grow out of. Shortly after university I moved to a different country which had nothing to do with my relationship with my family, just a personal decision (she was 18 at the time). She moved to a European county to follow someone, but that relationship didn't last. So face to face meeting were rare, but I called her from time to time to see how she was doing. Sometimes the calls were ok, but there were many times when she tried to pick a fight. About 2 years ago I worked to patch the relationship with her, and it did seem like we were becoming closer. Then 6 months ago I called her before a holiday, which was followed by a few whatsapp messages a few days later lashing out at me based on her twisted interpretation of the call. That was the last contact I had with her. I have gained more self-respect I my thinking was, when someone is verbally abusive, thats where I draw the line.

My parents suggested I reach out to her. I have been hesitant but am considering it, and I thought it would be worthwhile to speak to a group that has experience with these same issues

[pursuingJoy]

I can understand feeling hesitant and also considering it. If you do reach out, what would you hope for out of a conversation?

I disconnected from my family for about 2 years. I needed time to process and heal and acquire new tools to manage my relationship with them. Do you have tools to navigate her verbal abuse, if it goes there?

[Siblings123]

Hi SG82!
I am so glad you are here also. I am new here also. 
We sure do need support with how to navigate these relationships and how to best protect ourselves.  Personally, think the decision of how much to do, how much contact to have is difficult. I am so grateful to get to “talk” with other siblings!  I am in my early 50s now, we were in our 20s when my sister was first diagnosed.

For me there have been levels of realization, learning, feeling prepared for interactions to being completely caught off guard again.  (As you probably know, relationship issues and losses are not uncommon, and the hitting bottom)

My sister has gone through dialectical behavior therapy. They say it’s one of the more effective approaches.  It’s made a huge difference. She catches herself. She’s really trying. And, the tendencies are still there. More subtle, think that’s why I can get more caught off guard.

I have to remind myself often that the normal rules don’t apply here. The expectations for how siblings “should” be for each other. I’ve been caught in and tangled in that web.

Your question is so good! The decision not so easy.  The instinct to protect yourself is a good one.

Are your parents aware of the Borderline PD? How do they get along with her?

I’ve been reading how to stop being a caretaker, that was definitely my unconscious role. It’s also a great book. Goes very in depth to roles and  the psychological impacts. I haven’t finished it but think there are tips in there too.

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey!

[Drtakjh]

I am new here as well, and also dealing with a borderline sister. Just saying hello in solidarity and wishing you the best with your choices. So hard to know whether to be in contact or not; if you do you will probably be exposed to some craziness. If you don’t you have to deal with guilt and possibly tantrums over your terrible “abandonment”. Best of luck in doing the right thing!

[Mommydoc]

Welcome SG82. Given your on/off contact over the years, perhaps you don’t have to make a decision either way right now.  You are absolutely right, verbal abuse is not OK.  Parents are often in denial and just want siblings to “ get along”...my parents frequently encouraged me to “look past” her behavior.   

I have to remind myself often that the normal rules don’t apply here. The expectations for how siblings “should” be for each other. I’ve been caught in and tangled in that web.

Siblings 123 is right.  You seem very self aware, and I suggest you let the natural time and space happen.  And if she reaches out to you, just recognize that the pattern will likely recur.  My sister and I have spells of times where things are OK ( less frequent now however), but I know it is temporary and recognize that she will attack at some point.  I was always walking on eggshells, trying to prevent the explosion,  without realizing that the harder I tried to keep her happy the more negative impact it had on me.