if only it was that simple. for him to 'get better' he will require years of therapy and a willingness to look at hard and painful memories. to some degree he is always going to feel like this... however he can respond to it better. BPD can't really be cured... it can be managed.
Yes, I understand that. He was finally at a place where he was talking about going to therapy. He could just never seem to get the final push to actually make the appointment/ attend the appointment. The one he actually made was 3 weeks away and by then he had convinced himself that he didn't need it and didn't attend. This was through April/May
SET.
Support : You've said its important to stay away - (notice the sentence starts with You... not I... the 'You" changes the focus.. onto him and his message)
Empathy: I understand that is what you want right now (you don't have to agree with him, you do have to acknowledge his message)
Truth: Still, a letter has come for you today that you should see. ( Use the word Still, not the word But... 'But' negates the things you just said prior and you don't want to do that. again notice the lack of I statements right now... and the amount of you statements?
Support: I want to get this letter to you in the best possible way. (you are still supporting his current position) that contact is impossible.
Empathy: I know this is hard on both of us.
Truth: Here is what I can do... I can put the letter in XYZ for you to pick up... or I can give the letter ABC to give to you. which would you rather?
obviously you would have to tweak the language here to make it something you would feel comfortable actually saying... use your words. I just provided an example. when you give him choices in the last truth statement, only pick two. do not say 'how do you want to get it?' because right now his executive function is compromised and he can't figure out how he wants to get it. and when you pick two choices make sure they are reasonable for you... not something you have to run across town or jump through hoops to make happen.
Ok this makes sense. Thank you babyducks, especially the me making 2 choices. Maybe i could offer to open it and send a photo (like he asked a couple of weeks ago) and to either post it/wait for him to arrange it being collected
Wonderful discussion on options. How much of this feels like a "foreign language" to you?
For me..that was the helpful metaphor.
It will likely take trial and error to figure out how "ignoring" or "delaying" messages goes.
On the one hand you don't want to be on his beck and call and "have to" respond to text within a short time or else he goes off the rails. On the other hand you need to understand "abandonment" is often a central trigger for BPD.
This is a conundrum you will have to learn to manage.
Especially at this early stage of learning a new "language" TIME IS YOUR FRIEND because you need time to decipher "what he is really saying" (see examples above).
Even then..it can be reading tea leaves
Plus...be deliberate about leaving the door open for what you want/need.
please don't try to use these exact words...they are for you to get the gist of this idea.
him: blah blah blah pack up my stuff..a friend will come get it...blah blah
you: Sounds important, I imagine you are be busy.. I've got time to discuss over coffee at (insert convenient place)...does noon or 1 work better for you?
Maybe that kinda also fits the SET format. It shows him he is not ignored but also doesn't solve his issue...the door is left open for what you want (real conversation).
The little twist at the end will also take trial and error. Some pwBPD work better with dichotomous stuff (would you like a or b) or you may find "what time works best for you?" is a better approach.
There is another little "rule" tucked back in here. Hand the work back to them Especially if it's their work.
You don't want "validate" for them that they can control others to "do their work" for them, especially while they are skipping out on normal relationship stuff like "having conversations".
We've thrown a lot at you? How are you feeling? Too much too soon or hungry for more?
Best,
FF
Thanks FF that also makes sense. I don't think the meeting for coffee will work as an option. He is staying at the hotel accommodation which is in the tourist town about 1/2 an hour away but there's very limited public transport options between here and there. Without a car it's almost impossible and very time consuming. Plus, he might take that as forcing him rn? But I like the rule tucked in of handing their work back to them, that makes sense too.
It doesn't feel like "foreign language" more like the language I haven't practised in a while and I'm a bit fuzzy at right now. Like how I would be if I spoke Spanish right now after a long break of practising it.
I'm feeling ok thank you. Having things to think about and contemplate and work on is good, a good proactive way of keeping busy.
I put an insta story of our dog swimming this morning he has replied to the story with "miss her"
I see what you mean now about little pings he does
Hopefully just a bit more to tie all these threads together.
I do agree he is most likely saying "I'm so afraid (or perhaps ASHAMED) to see you in person..so I will send another guy."
So...there is an obvious line of thinking where seeing you in person for coffee would see to be the opposite thing from what he wants. And..perhaps that is true.
Yet...perhaps he doesn't want to see you in person IN YOUR HOME. Home my scream "intimacy"..whereas "just coffee" might "say" casual to him and be acceptable.
No way to know what will work...trial and error and thoughtful reflection on the results of what you try.
Let the "tension" or "incentives" work for the favor of the relationship and let him solve these internal battles himself..even if he does it badly.
You staying on an even keel will (over time) validate for him that you are a safe place and also a place where he can't "walk all over you". Both can be true.
Best,
FF
Makes sense about the coffee and meeting outside of home, in the past he has suggested that after a few weeks of him living elsewhere. Even 2 weeks ago he suggested meeting in the park with our dog and some friends who were visiting, at the last moment he cancelled. With this perspective I can see that he cancelled because he was afraid of what would happen and how he would feel. Actually, he has always suggested it being with his friend(s) initially, which has always annoyed me, but maybe that is his safety buffer net. They don't like their friends to see them dysregulated right so this has shed some light on that for me, thank you
