he's been drinking a lot, I spoke about it and he flipped and left

[blackorchid]

Hi,

My npBPD flipped on the 23rd may. He has been drinking I would say excessively for the past few months,  He seems to drink as soon as he gets in from work and says that it is the only thing that "calms his mind" I would say he has been drinking 5/6 days a week.  Usually leaving one day a week where he is too tired and just falls asleep early.

On the sat night 22nd may, we got into a fight as i said that I have had enough of his drinking. When I came down around midnight I heard a poker wheel, he was so drunk he didnt realise I was in the room, he was squinting at the screen too drunk to focus yet betting away.  I was furious.  He left in the morning for work and then messaged me to say he wasnt coming home that night.  I said ok

He turned up the next day. I came home from my morning shift around 2:30 and was surprised to see him in the house as he had been instagramming from the beach in another town (1.5hrs away).  He immediately started shouting and I just ignored him and carried on putting the shopping away. That seemed to make him angrier. 

However, when I answered him back he didn't like that, even more so. He was enraged and was getting threatening. I left the house for a walk and came back and went upstairs.

He refused to talk to me.

Then his friend "turned up " and needed a place to stay so he came.  They spent the night drinking, he came downstairs and acted like everything was normal.


The next day he didnt go home. His friend checked into a hotel and he stayed with him for 4 days. He came back on friday night late around 10pm. He was fixated on some shorts that he had lost and was convinced he left them in the house. I was like, what shorts. He showed me a photo and I said I had never seen them before. He said that someone gave them him on Wed. I said youve not been home since then  He was confused and thought he had been.  I went to bed. As i was trying to get to sleep he came in the bedroom said everything wasnt normal between us and was rambling something about my last two days and giving me an ultimate which honestly I have no idea what it was about.

Sat he said he wasnt coming home but then turned up at 9:45 pm, I was on a zoom call and just moved rooms, he was only bothered about watching the football final.

I tried speaking to him at half time but he wouldnt.  aggressive telling me to leave the room and just to shut up. Saying he was leaving me and he never wants to see me again. At this point I reacted and told him to F*&K off.  Emotions got the better off me. He slept in the guest bedroom.

He left for work on Sunday and hasnt been back since.

He messaged me on Monday night saying he will never come back and to bin all his belongings.

He is fixated on the fact that I told him to F*&$ off and so he is doing what I told him to do.  Its infuriating he doesnt listen to me when i say not to drink, or smoke, or not to bet, to look after himself and sleep early.  He can just cling onto one phrase.

Saying that he is happy now without me and I will never see him again.


Today a letter from the bank came. I was curious so steamed it open as when hes drunk he has been saying he has financial problems but then wont tell me what they are. 

He has missed payments on a loan (what loan? ) since march and they are asking for the money immediately or it will affect his credit score.  Im wondering if this is what he is running from. Last time he flipped in Aus 2019 he also had financial problems

Btw weve been together since 2004 and live together. Wedding was postponed indefintely due to Covid so i think i have a right to know about loans and debts.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[carlywhi]

hi

I dont really have any words of wisdom, but I know what its like to feel u have to post here and i understand what you are going through mentally.
Its hard to stay strong and not react back, you were pushed to a point where you had to. just know that it will pass, always does..in one way or another. i totally get the fixated on the thing u said and doesnt blink an eyelid ar even realise his part. I have it almost bi weekly im told that he never wants to see me again along with some really hurtful comments. the fact you are writing here says you care about him and the relationship and are obviously a kind compassionate person. stay strong x xx

[ThanksForPlaying]

I came here just now looking for support with my alcoholic uBPDgf. She's pregnant and still drinking, although maybe not as much? It's sometimes hard to tell because she gets so dissociated and rages from BPD and it's hard to separate the BPD from the drinking. Sometimes she's not even drunk, but usually she is.  I try to focus on the behavior - it doesn't matter what is causing it at that exact moment - the behavior is what crosses my boundaries. I have to do this because sometimes she'll argue that she's not drunk (doesn't matter, she's still raging) or that she's only had a few drinks (doesn't matter, the behavior is unacceptable).

I've recently cut back on drinking a lot and only have a few drinks on Fridays from 5om to 7pm. The rest of the week, I'm happy to hang out, but I'm just not drinking. This discipline is a huge problem for her BPD, as she's usually very spontaneous. Today she slept until noon, raged at me, and then spontaneously asked me to go to lunch. We did, and neither of us had any drinks, but the seed was planted in her head.

She later went to work at 5pm, but called me at 7pm after clearly drinking. She said the restaurant she works at closed early because of some reasons she was sort of unclear about. Someone quit, or maybe they were overstaffed, but either way, she was drinking 2 hours after she'd left the house for work. She wanted me to come drink with her and I said no, I have plans tonight, which I do. I actually would have probably gone to join her if she'd planned it ahead of time and given me some notice, other than just calling me after starting to drink without me. And also, I don't agree with her drinking this much while pregnant. She's pushed that boundary so much that I almost forgot about it.  So, she called a few minutes ago, asked me to come drink with her, I firmly said "no, I have things I need to do tonight", and she hung up. Inevitably I will have to deal with a BPD rage when she gets home in 4 to 6 hours. I'll already be in bed but she'll wake me up (if she comes home). She's also been not coming home on random nights, always with an excuse.

I don't have any answers for you right now, but thank you for posting - I came here for support and your post about drinking was the first post I saw. Hang in there - I'll keep you posted

[blackorchid]

Hi ThanksFor Playing, Im so sorry to hear about what youre going through I can imagine how stressful that is for you whilst shes pregnant.  Keep doing what you can to look after yourself. Like you I have no words of wisdom but we can help each other out.


Carlywhi thanks, its so hard to stay calm at all times isn't it

[Breakingpoint13]

hi

I dont really have any words of wisdom, but I know what its like to feel u have to post here and i understand what you are going through mentally.
Its hard to stay strong and not react back, you were pushed to a point where you had to. just know that it will pass, always does..in one way or another. i totally get the fixated on the thing u said and doesnt blink an eyelid ar even realise his part. I have it almost bi weekly im told that he never wants to see me again along with some really hurtful comments. the fact you are writing here says you care about him and the relationship and are obviously a kind compassionate person. stay strong x xx

How do you cope with this? I’ve not been in contact with me ex for Nearly two weeks now. He basically started saying how ill I was and I made him think he wasn’t right and how much he hates me and how I’m manipulative and fake and everything I’ve done has been fake and that he hates me. The last abusive message I got was nearly a week ago, but I won’t reach out, as why should I he’s said he hates me and doesn’t want to hear from me. Normally he would have apologised by now. But nothing, however I have noticed he has unblocked me which I find odd.

[jmbl]

BreakingPoint, As hard as it can be, you have to know your limits and what is acceptable for you. Some situations are unacceptable to 'cope through' and you should never put up with abuse. Mean messages over two weeks without seeing you are, in my opinion, not okay. You made the best decision by not responding. I have experienced this in my relationship and I found that sticking to my boundaries to be the best decision. Regardless of the relationship and the health condition, people are responsible for their behaviour, and pwBPD are not exempt from this. Giving into abusive behaviour only further perpetuates it, and puts you at risk for harm - not something that you OR your partner wants.

BlackOrchid, your partner's current state (which, it sounds like at least, he has been in for quite some months now) may be out of your level of responsibility/competency to deal with. He sounds like he is being abusive towards you, and drinking does not help with reconciliation of emotional equilibrium. My pwBPD has told me that "drinking is honestly the only thing that has proved to quiet my mind when I am in extreme turmoil." Although he no longer drinks excessively (the most he will have is one beer every few days), he is still of the belief that alcohol numbs the brain. If your partner is drinking excessively there may be some really big things happening in his brain. You may need to reach out to people with the knowledge, expertise, and objectivity to aid in your situation.

Don't ever be embarrassed or isolate yourself. Loving a person with BPD is a team approach and we cannot do it in silos. Posting on here is a great choice, and I have found the individuals on this board to be insightful and rational.

[blackorchid]

Thanks jmbl,

thats literally word for word what he has said about drinking.  How did your partner come to the stage where they will only drink 1 beer now?


I know he needs help but I dont know how I can assist him with that atm.  As he doesnt want to have contact with me atm and I know in the past that when he has done this and when I have contacted him it has only made it worse.  So trying to keep busy and just leave him alone right now.


BreakingPoint i dont think there really is one way of coping.  I mean last week I barely ate as I was so distraught and mentally exhausted, but as hard as it is we just have to do what we can to look after us.  He's obv carrying on without me so I need to make sure I take care of me.  I dunno maybe after so many episodes ive just gotten used to it now.  Hes more stable now than he used to be,  his last split was Aug 2019 and that was the longest  till around Oct/nov. I was actually surprised that he didnt split during the last year, mabe ive just learnt the tools and know what to do when i see the signs in him...

[jmbl]

I don't think you can help him right now, BlackOrchid. He is far gone and your words/actions will not get through to him.

My partner went to a 3-month rehabilitation centre that focused on holistic wellness. Not everyone can access this resource, and he is incredibly grateful that he was able to. I don't know where he'd be without it. It was here that he received his dx as BPD and began counselling/medication. He still says that alcohol and opiates are better than medication - although I believe his regular medications DEFINITELY aids in his reduction of substance use. We both work in health care, and support harm reduction principles - responsible use for the right intentions helps maintenance of sobriety.

But to be honest, I believe that his ability to have one (or less than) beer comes from him - I'm not sure exactly what stops him from drinking more, he says he doesn't want to ever feel drunk or feel hungover. My thoughts are that excessive substance use has caused him so much harm, and he has finally (after 2 decades of substance use) experienced the joys that come from day-to-day living.

Do YOU have supports? Who are they and how do they support you? Do they have an understanding of BPD? What about people on his side of the family, can they provide you with supports and guidance to deal with the day-to-day turmoil that you are experiencing?

[Cat Familiar]

I wonder how much certain addictive behaviors (alcohol, drugs, gambling, social media, etc.) are linked to a serotonin deficiency.

Since anxiety, impatience, depression, mood swings, sugar cravings, agitation, and insomnia are all signs of seratonin deficiency, it would make sense that this would be amplified in someone with BPD who already has difficulty regulating their emotions.

[blackorchid]

Cat Familiar thats an interesting thought and one I feel could use some research...


Jmbl Im feeling stuck and alone. Im an expat in Turkey and cant get home now due to Covid.  Turkey is on the red list so its just an impossibilty to get home.  His family isnt really supportive.  Mental issues are really a thing here.  They are more worried about his drinking.  His bro is a doc and wants to come when he can ( he lives 7 hrs away, noone is here) and take him to a doc. They all want him to get therapy but dont really know what they can do.

My family just think i say he has BPD as an excuse. My friends are sick of it. Everyone just says I ruined my life by sticking by him and so they dont really want to talk about it.

Another night NC and he still didnt come home.   thats night 4 this week now. I have no idea what hes doing as he didnt take a bag with him, no change of clothes or anything

[ThanksForPlaying]

I took a trip to Turkey with friends when I was younger and had no pwBPD in my life - really enjoyed it. Mostly west coast - Istanbul, Izmir, Bodrum, Rhodes. Sorry you're currently stuck there.

I'm currently dealing with a "not coming home" cycle too - about 1-2 nights a week.

Last night uBPDgf (pregnant) came home around 11pm after work (seemed like she'd had a few drinks but I didn't say anything).  Talked to me a little bit about the baby, felt her tummy and I smiled... wrong move... "you're happy about all of this? F*** you! You wouldn't be so happy if you had to carry the baby! You have no idea what it's like"... And into a rage... I wasn't giving any pushback at this point... The rage escalated as she got herself worked up with zero talking from me. "I'm sleeping on the couch! I can't even be around you"... She goes to the couch...

A few minutes later... "I can't believe you're doing this to me! Making me sleep on the couch! You're such an a******"... I pointed out that she was welcome to sleep in the bed... Plenty of room... I had not suggested she sleep on the couch and I was not "forcing" her to sleep on the couch... "well I'm not sleeping in the same bed... You need to sleep somewhere else or I'm leaving"... She starts packing a bag... I got up and went to go sleep in the guest bedroom... "it's too late! I'm leaving! I can't believe I can't even sleep in my own house!"... I'm laying in the guest bedroom as she slams the door on her way out and doesn't come home for the night...I moved back to my bed

There wasn't even a fight in this case... She just worked herself up and took off and I let it happen.

As far as the drinking... It's a big problem but it's also "just another boundary" that she tries to push... She's pregnant and at the beginning she would loudly announce that she can't drink anymore... Then quickly (within days) moved to "one glass of wine"... Then came home super drunk a few different times falling down... Then drinking several drinks and arguing with me that they still only added up to "one glass" because they were diluted (so now we're arguing scientifically about alcohol content and the big picture is lost)

And if I don't say anything... She pushes it... Drinks more... Drinks in front of me... Like she's pushing the boundary and just daring me to say anything... Which leads to a rage...

Believe it or not, this is actually BETTER than I've been handling things in the past - less fighting and fewer rages - but still frustrating and I know I could have a less drama-filled life if that's my choice.

[blackorchid]

Yeah Turkey is beautiful,  but its been 18mths since I could leave now so Im def homesick



Im glad that its better than it was in the past and i hope you have enough support around you to deal with her when she just leaves like that.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I've gotten to the point where I can 'sense' certain days and situations when she just wants to leave and disappear. Really, she ALWAYS wants to disappear from her feelings, that's the gist of BPD, but I can sense when she's actually going to leave for the night.  And it usually is preceded by a huge rage against me ... sometimes out of nowhere, even if I'm asleep and not fighting back.  She will literally wake me up to yell at me and declare that she is leaving because of me.  I want to tell her "you can just leave and let me sleep" - we both know you're leaving anyway once you start this particular kind of rage.

Basically 1) she wants to leave to avoid 'things' but 2) she intuitively feels sort of guilty, or knows it's not reasonable behavior, so 3) she starts something to blame me for her leaving.

In this case, I'm pretty certain she's not cheating (although she has in the past).  She usually stays with her ex-boyfriend, whom I know on a cordial basis.  I honestly don't think he wants to be dealing with her showing up at his house at all hours of the night.  This is triangulation.  Sometimes she stays with a friend.  Often it's because she's drinking, and feels guilty about THAT, and doesn't want me to see that, so she rages, and feels guilty about THAT, and then disappears while blaming me, and that satisfies all her guilt.

But my point at the beginning of the post is that I can often see it coming now, and I just step out of the way and let her go, because that's what she wants to do anyway and I'm not changing that.  I'm talking about like earlier in the day, if it's shaping up to be a day where she doesn't have to work tomorrow, but has some stresses at home, like errands to run or her own laundry to do, I can tell she's looking for a way to avoid those stresses/responsibilities. And sure enough, the "rage and disappear" happens in the evening.  Then she returns the next day (or two) and still hasn't solved her problems, but is more calm.  It sometimes feels like living with a teenager - it's not a great relationship dynamic!  Still working on it, and maybe one day I'll walk away.  But this is how I'm managing the chaos at the moment.

[Breakingpoint13]

Sorry for being blunt here.

She’s drinking whilst pregnant? If she doesn’t care enough to stop to risk potentially hurting her unborn child then why do you think she will ever change the way she is with you?

I’m so so sorry you’re having to experience this and I hope you find the strength to choose a life in which you can keep your own peace. I completely got lost in my downward spiral and it’s my biggest regret!

[Cat Familiar]

We can all agree that drinking while pregnant is not good and shows a profound lack of empathy. That her child might potentially suffer lifelong impacts from her behavior portends a disengagement from her role as a mother.

I can’t offer any advice, but I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this. 

[blackorchid]

h's just messaged me blaming me for everything, he drinks because i make him angry, he created a tinder account because i made him angry and so on.


says he's not coming home, to put everything in the bin


why cant he take responsibility for his own actions? instead of blaming me, at a loss to what to reply

[babyducks]

why cant he take responsibility for his own actions? instead of blaming me, at a loss to what to reply

Blackorchid,

I can't help but notice your first post here was made in 2012,  so I know you have more than a passing familiarity with the tools stressed by this web site.

Which tool do you think you could best apply in this situation.?

What skill has helped in the past when he has experienced a mental health decline?

[blackorchid]

Hi babyducks

Yes Ive tried a set message , i dont know maybe another set message but i dont know what to put.

I feel exhausted.  Seeing the final demand letter coming this week and him speaking about suicide the past few months i think has left me at a loss the time as to what to do. if that makes sense

[babyducks]

Do you mind a few questions?

You've been in this spot with him before right?  Several times right?   Is this time different or is it the same type of dysregulation?  If I remember correctly he does this about once a year.

Do you feel comfortable sharing your SET message here?  Perhaps we can tweak it.

How do you feel about him being on Tinder?   Is that acceptable to you?

[blackorchid]

Thanks babyducks  yes you remembered correctly  he does this around the same time of year every year.  surprisingly last year he didnt.  which was a miracle in the pandemic esp as he was furloughed and i think money issues could be a trigger to him.

I might go through the old threads tonight to find a common theme.

he's drinking esculated and he kept taking my money which was what started it this time.  He becomes more focused on drink and football.  for two months he wouldnt even eat dinner as he just wanted to drink after work.  so ive been feeling more and more alone but thanks to everything ive learnt on here just focusing on keeping me busy and not escalating him.

tinder is unacceptable to me.  i have told him before i wont accept him messaging girls online.  unsure what to do as he has pushed that boundary now. as well as becoming aggresive to me on the mon 2 weeks ago.


nc seems to dysrgulate him as well but just sent the set message at the beginnning of the week as a check in point

i sent

I miss you and i want you to know that . I know that you are angry now and you dont want to talk to me.

I said to F^%& off when i was angry and i'm sorry for that   I said it because you had hurt me and i responded in anger.  I didn't mean it literally.



Also he was at this point threatening to get me deported and was really aggressive and i responded to him ( on the day before he left)
he has said that saying that was a test to see if i would believe it and shows how poorly i think of him

[blackorchid]

he's messaged this morning asking when im out so he can collect his things as he doesnt want to see me. I said i would like to see you. he said no because we would only fight.  I sent him a link to couples therapy he said maybe but its expensive.


then he asked to borrow 25 dollars...

[babyducks]

Here is what I think blackorchid,

  he does this around the same time of year every year.  surprisingly last year he didnt.  which was a miracle in the pandemic esp as he was furloughed and i think money issues could be a trigger to him.

I think football can be a trigger too.   I'm not sure if the time of year is at the end or the start of the football schedule but you always seem to mention that football and his mates are involved.

he's drinking esculated and he kept taking my money which was what started it this time. 

you know he is an unstable and occasionally unreliable partner.   is it time to seriously look at keeping your money separate from him?   in  a place where your funds can't fuel his addictions.    my Ex was/is Bipolar and could become maniac.    We had shared funds yes but I was careful to keep money secure, away from where she could access it, if she had a mental health break.   how did he get your money?    are you saying he went into possessions and took it?   

I think it is especially crucial since you are living in a country not your home place of birth to have an emergency fund in case you need to make a rapid exit.  how can you set that up?

tinder is unacceptable to me.  i have told him before i wont accept him messaging girls online.  unsure what to do as he has pushed that boundary now. as well as becoming aggresive to me on the mon 2 weeks ago.

this is your boundary and its up to you to decide how to enforce it.   what are your choices here?

nc seems to dysrgulate him as well but just sent the set message at the beginnning of the week as a check in point

i sent

I miss you and i want you to know that . I know that you are angry now and you dont want to talk to me.

I said to F^%& off when i was angry and i'm sorry for that   I said it because you had hurt me and i responded in anger.  I didn't mean it literally.

Let's do a quick review of SET and JADE for anyone following along.

SET = Support,Empathy and Truth.   JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

I miss you and i want you to know that

a SET statement opens with support for a reason.   Support dials down the emotional reactivity of the dysregulated person.   Remember you are talking to a person who is not in a normally reactive state at the moment.      You opened with a statement that is mostly about you.   Your feelings and thoughts.    For a pwBPD who reacts strongly to blame and shame, for a pwBPD who is struggling with highly intense emotions, you want a mild supportive statement that focus on either the neutral or on him.     something like 'things have been difficult lately still I want you to know I am thinking of you'.     if I had to guess I would say he read your statement more as "i miss you and i want you to know that its all your fault'.

I know that you are angry now and you dont want to talk to me.

a couple of thoughts here:    you are telling him what he emotions and thoughts are.    quite frankly if you told me what my emotions and thoughts are, I would be a little frustrated with the conversation myself, and I am not in the middle of a mental health crisis.    you aren't affording him, or offering him a way out of the situation.    "You are angry and don't want to talk to me."    There is very little he can do with that statement other than agree.    You are  right I am angry. compare what you said to something like 'we don't have to talk right now but I am hoping in a few days we can exchange some more pleasant words'

I said to F^%& off when i was angry and i'm sorry for that   I said it because you had hurt me and i responded in anger.

This is straight up and down JADE.    I was angry when I said F off = Justify.   I said it because you had hurt me = Defend and Explain.   Your apology gets lost in amongst the JADE.     and again pwBPD respond poorly to even perceived criticism.     You had hurt me.   You had made me angry.    Compare this:    'Things got said in the heat of the moment that I really regret.    I'd like to apologize for my part in this. '

Also he was at this point threatening to get me deported and was really aggressive and i responded to him ( on the day before he left)
he has said that saying that was a test to see if i would believe it and shows how poorly i think of him

blunt question blackorchid.   where do you want this relationship to go?    what do you want from the future of this relationship?   and how do you plan to handle the 'really aggressive' boundary?

hope this helps
'ducks

[babyducks]

I said i would like to see you.

can you articulate why you would like to see him?

what do you think is going to be different this time?   

and how are you going to contribute to making it different?

[blackorchid]

Hi baby ducks

youre completely right, it wasnt a great message. it was very late at night and i searched for how to write a set message  i remember thinking at the time it wasnt great but it was from another websites format and i can see now that its totally not set

 i def think football is a trigger for him and all the regret he has that comes with it. he was with old teammates the week this happened that now play at a national level and i think he compare his life to theirs. amplified by his debt probs, he gave all the money he ever made from football to his dad and then had an injury which cut his career short.


honestly right now im questioning everything and if i even want this. he steps over any boundary i set and he promises to get therapy but never does. ill write a longer message after work as about to start teaching again now

[blackorchid]

He messaged me at 10:20 pm can I come home. I called him. There’s a 10 pm Covid curfew and asked where he is and he said “out”  I said you can’t be out be careful there’s curfew he said can I come home to sleep I’ll be there in 10 mins. Then added I want to talk to you

He got home. Said that he has discussed it with his new BFF (he seems to become insanely close to a new person every time he splits), this person has never met me. And that after talking it through with him , the guy has made him realise how bad we are for each other that we can’t be together any more and that’s it it’s over. When I went to speak he wouldn’t listen. Said there’s nothing to say. He’s made the decision. It’s over. We’re finished.  To not go over the same things again. We’re done. I tried to speak and he immediately got angry and said if I try to talk he will leave the house and go to a hotel.

Any thoughts on what to do

[babyducks]

Any thoughts on what to do

maintain your own sense of calm.  don't over react.

allow him to say what he feels (as long as he isn't verbally abusive).  don't argue with him.

leave the door open for further calming of the waters.

[blackorchid]

Yes I came and went to bed. It was from bed that I wrote that message. The more I’m thinking about it the angrier I’m getting. To message to come home and turn up so late at night and do that is a complete lack of respect for me. When I responded to him after he said his part yesterday (he talked for a good 10-15 mins at me) he was on his phone already. I asked why are you on your phone I listened to you. He was ordering beer. Part of me wonders if he just had nowhere to sleep and that’s why he came

I stayed in bed till he left for work this morning so we haven’t spoken since

[babyducks]

blackorchid,

from what you have written it sounds as if you have been in this place before with your SO.    more than once.    there have been many break up and make up cycles in your relationship.    it may be that this is the best he is able to function in a relationship.    I am not saying it is.   I am saying it sounds as if this is the highest level he can function at in a relationship.

from what I am reading it appears you are at a cross roads.   I see your choices as:

• accept that he has limited relationship skills and become the emotional leader in the relationship
• continue to bump along the way you are
• start to detach and disengage from the relationship

 

what do you think?     

'ducks

[blackorchid]

Yeah you’re right baby ducks.

I feel at a loss. We were going to get married last year and start for a baby. But then due to Covid the pandemic happened. Last summer was the first summer that he didn’t dysregulate and I don’t know I thought we had made a turn

I honestly don’t want to go through this every summer. I would like a summer where I get to enjoy it with him. And if we’re to have a family I want that to be stable. 

I worry about what will happen to him as last time he was drunk driving and got caught, got hit by a car. Just went down a very very bad cycle.

It’s so frustrating as I would just like him to listen to me so that I can say all of this to him and say look if you leave this time. You can’t come back. I can’t keep being treated like this. But I know he’s not in the place to listen.

[babyducks]

It’s so frustrating as I would just like him to listen to me so that I can say all of this to him and say look if you leave this time. You can’t come back. I can’t keep being treated like this. But I know he’s not in the place to listen.

Yes it is frustrating.   

there was a member here a long time ago that used to say "We need to be responsible for 100% of our 50% of the relationship."

Let's be brutally honest.    Waiting for him to 'wake up and listen' is a pretty poor strategy.    It's not worked in the past.   It isn't going to work now.

again I am going to ask you to think about -

what do you think is going to be different this time?   

and how are you going to contribute to making it different?

what skill or tool are you going to apply to which problem?

'ducks