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Author Topic: Coming to terms with the fact that you’re never going to hear from them again  (Read 431 times)
B1987
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 75


« on: August 01, 2021, 07:43:59 AM »

I have been NC with my ex gf for nearly 6 weeks now. I absolutely hate the silence between us but I’m sure she’s now happy with the new supply and has moved on.

I’m really struggling to process the fact that I’ll never hear from her again and certainly won’t ever see her again.

We were together for 4 years and now she’s suddenly gone, it’s so painful and confusing.

If I’m being honest, I’d love to hear from her. Even if it’s just the chance to tell her that I miss her and she still means something to me (I’m not sure if I still do to her).

I’m doing everything I can but right now I’m still very much attached to her and her absence still feels very unnatural and distressing.

For those of you who have successfully detached, how long did it take for you to stop missing them and hoping for some form of communication?
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ILMBPDC
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 356


« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2021, 09:59:11 AM »

It's only been a little over a week for me so I cannot say that I have successfully detached yet as I feel exactly the same way as you do but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone
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IntoTheWind
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 93


« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2021, 12:08:25 PM »

Unfortunately, I have no advice other than be strong, I'm just relying on time to heal the wounds.

It's been roughly the same amount of NC for me. I'm blocked everywhere. I've been so low every day for the past 5-6 weeks after a hellish 3 weeks of recycling that I ended by lighting the fuse on the relationship. Rationally I know it couldn't ever work and the problems were severe and sometimes scary but emotionally I feel shredded, not really sure what do honestly. If it wasn't for COVID restrictions I'd fly home and be with my family. She was my only person out here.

I saw her in the street about 3 weeks ago and she looked at me with such hate, I've never seen anyone look at someone like that. I said "hey, wanna chat?" the first thing she did was accuse me of stalking her (I was outside my own apartment building on the way to pick up some food, she lives in a nearby one). It was a real kick in the gut. I kept it calm  (was on the verge of breakdown) and said "I hate the way it ended between us, I just hope you're ok". She said "my mum's calling I have to go" and walked off, offered a hug, she just shook her head like a kid, so I fist bumped her (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

Saw her again two days after that whilst driving around, she waved and smiled at me, thought she might text me but she didn't.

It sucks. It's my own fault though, I said some things about her acting like a victim/being dramatic that I know she wouldn't handle well, but I was at my wits end. I just didn't think she had it in her honestly.

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Sappho11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 437



« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2021, 12:21:14 PM »

What you feel is understandable and normal.

I felt the same way six weeks out. I did reach out to my ex at that time... and was immediately greeted with the same narcissistic BS that would likely have ended the relationship at some point even if he hadn't discarded me.

After reading a lot on covert narcissism and emotional abuse (which I'd always categorically denied existed), I began to see him in a different light. Virtually of the previous mysteries about his erratic behaviour suddenly made perfect sense.

I'm twelve weeks out now, three months on Aug 5th. It does get better. With the worst of the trauma bond broken, I now see him for the immature, selfish person he is. It's not a pretty picture, and I'm relatively sure that even if he came back pleading, I wouldn't take him back. (This after hoping and pining like crazy for his return for a month or two after the breakup.) DEFINITELY not without any signs of tangible change and action on his part. And knowing him... change is virtually impossible. He is who he is, and who he's been for a lifetime. I have zero doubts that were I to take him back, the relationship would spiral into further abuse, and this third time around probably even more egregiously so, perhaps even to physical abuse (he used to batter his longtime gf before me). I don't want all this psychological distress in my life anymore, good times or not.

According to a study, most people will begin to feel better about a breakup about three months after the event. I can't tell you whether it'll be the same for you, but if you're in the majority, it likely will. It definitely applied to my case.

What helped? Laughing about my ex with close friends. Laughter really is great medicine and my best friend especially really has some zingers on my ex. Hilarity is cathartic. I've also since started counselling, and it's nice to have someone point out your detachment progress, no matter how small the steps, week by week. Kind of like a gym coach, but for your soul.

Long story short: It does get better.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Desu95

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 20


« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2021, 12:57:30 PM »

I have been NC with my ex gf for nearly 6 weeks now. I absolutely hate the silence between us but I’m sure she’s now happy with the new supply and has moved on.

I’m really struggling to process the fact that I’ll never hear from her again and certainly won’t ever see her again.

We were together for 4 years and now she’s suddenly gone, it’s so painful and confusing.

If I’m being honest, I’d love to hear from her. Even if it’s just the chance to tell her that I miss her and she still means something to me (I’m not sure if I still do to her).

I’m doing everything I can but right now I’m still very much attached to her and her absence still feels very unnatural and distressing.

For those of you who have successfully detached, how long did it take for you to stop missing them and hoping for some form of communication?

I know the feeling, I dumped my bpd ex gf 4 months ago and I remember how painful it was having complete radio silence immediately. What helped me deal with the pain was reading and learning about trauma bonds, I read a couple of books that really helped me heal. I also stopped looking at her as a human being, their motives are mechanical and calculated naturally. She was with me for survival reasons, she was an energy vampire siphoning my life force to fuel herself with no regard for my well being. It’s pure evil and they can’t help it, they’re just hardwired that way. Another factor that helped me feel better is understanding that she will never be happy with another partner, I know this because she refuses to get help. Bpd is a serious mental illness and without consistent and extensive dialectical behavior therapy for years they will never get better and will continue to be destructive in all relationships. It’s sad because unfortunately we fall in love with the potential of what could have been, we take the best parts of them and think that there is a chance they can be this person forever and we can be happy. It’s sad but what we fell in love with never existed, it’s not real, it’s not them, we only fell in love with the idea of what we thought they could have become.
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B1987
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 75


« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2021, 02:26:28 AM »

Thank you everyone for your replies.

ILMBPDC - sorry to hear this has happened to you to. It's going to be a tough road but I wish you all the best in your recovery.

IntoTheWind - I'm sorry to hear that. I thank my lucky stars that my ex doesn't live in my area. I don't think I could handle seeing her out and about. Try not to beat yourself up for what you said. I've been there, sometimes they push us so far the stress becomes too much. To be honest, it often doesn't matter what you say, they'll find offence in it somewhere.

Sappho11 - thanks for the words of encouragement, I've heard about the 3 month statistics. Laughter is a great suggestion, I will try seeing the funny side of things.

Desu95 - I know what you mean about energy vampires, I'm trying to remind myself of how draining it could be to just be around her. Her being happy with another partner is something that I really struggle with. I'd like to think that she ultimately won't be - not because I want her to be unhappy but to prove that I wasn't crazy and all the negative things did happen and will continue to affect the things she does.
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Breakingpoint13
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 123


« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2021, 04:10:48 AM »

I struggle with this too, but let me assure you, the times I have heard from him have been absolutely awful and more hurt. Like the recent time, pics of his new gf how amazing she is and how awful I am and how it was all my fault.

I know its hard, but please try and look at this as a blessing in disguise. Even if he was to send an apology, its not genuine. Its not because he'd feel bad for what he did for me, hell be doing it for his own needs.

The best way to help you move on from this is for them not to contact you and for you not to hear from them again. I think others on here may agree. I do however, completely understand how you feel, this is just from my experience. As soon as Im feeling happy something will happen where he gets a reaction from me and I feel back at square one. I never want to be with him again. He will never change, the disrespect has been too much so what would any form of contact achieve from them? Only a constant reminder of how they mislead and gaslighted us? Stay strong
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grumpydonut
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 473



« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2021, 04:39:55 AM »

Hey B,

Just on that comment about her "being happy with her new partner", I've found that remembering how happy she was with me when we first dated is a great way to overcome that concern.

Personally, I remember back to her childish naivety and happiness that preceded the misery that was underneath as a way to comfort myself with the knowledge she will eventually do that with my replacement (in fact, I'm almost sure that's already happening).

With BPD, it is all about time. Time for us to heal from their actions, and time to pass before we learn that they have repeated their relationship cycle.
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B1987
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 75


« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2021, 05:16:55 AM »

Thank you so much, guys.

BreakingPoint13 - sorry to hear that's happening to you. I have heard a lot that NC is a blessing in disguise so I'm trying to remind myself of that.

grumpydonut - you make a really good point and that has definitely crossed my mind about my own idealization/devaluation. I'm sure my replacement must be going through it in some way (I noticed questionable things from the first date).

Thanks again!
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