Overwhelmed with the idea my wife may have BPD

[Sid_7]

Hi,
My wife and I are in counselling after 1 year of marriage (4 together in total). The reason for going in was because she felt my behaviour was abusive and appalling - I have some views and interests which don't fully align with her very strong political views. As a result I have been framed as the cause of worsening her illness- she has chronic fatigue - and have been called among other things, abusive.

On reflection I have wanted to avoid explosive situation and so have ignored challenging her narratives about me. This has led to very poor self esteem. I am realising in counselling that 'splitting' is exactly what goes on when we disagree. I am suddenly the villain and her the victim and, I'm ashamed to say, I've accepted this dynamic. Whilst there is some responsibility I must own up to I.e. avoidance and the behaviour that exemplifies this, I have taken FULL responsibility at times for the situation and her response to it.

I feel I'm diagnosing her with BPD which seems to fit. I want to run away as it feels scary to face my own self and the things I haven't seen that have caused me to take on her feelings. I don't want to make any rash decisions as I love her dearly...and I'm also afraid that if she doesn't accept she has a problem/ BPD then our marriage is not sustainable.

My biggest qn now is whether I bring up the possibility of BPD with our counsellor as I hear this suggestion can be detrimental.

Early days. Feeling a little stuck. Made progress buy buying 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'where I learned about this forum. Grateful to be here at the start of this journey and any comments welcomed - appreciating my situation is unique and not expecting to be saved, just seen.

Much gratitude to you all.

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[Cat Familiar]

  Welcome. Glad you’ve found us.

I would suggest you both have a private session with your counselor. That would be the appropriate time for you to share your experience which supports your theory that your wife has BPD.

To have a successful relationship with a partner who has BPD, you need to have strong boundaries.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Many, perhaps most of us here who have BPD spouses, are codependent or caretakers. https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

It’s very characteristic for people with BPD (pwBPD) to feel like they are victims and cast their partners as abusers. They have such an unstable self image and so much self loathing that hearing their partners have a different opinion can feel like abuse.

Certainly we all step on each other’s toes now and then, but accepting the mantle of being an *abuser* if you don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong, is a good place to explore in individual therapy, which is something we recommend when in a relationship with a pwBPD.

[formflier]

You are wise to be cautious about what you raise.  I would tend to suggest you raise behaviors and let the counselor fill in possible explanations...rather than you jumping ahead to possible diagnosis.

How many sessions have you had?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Hi Sid,
Welcome, you are certainly not alone. I am fairly new to this journey, been with my wife 7 years, married for nearly 4. I found the forum a few months ago. The people here are so helpful and knowledgeable and supportive. My wife was diagnosed bpd before we met, she used to have suicidal tendencies, self harm, eating disorders.. she did some dbt (therapy prescribed for bpd) and considers herself cured, but is extremely controlling in our relationship and she  accuses me of being a narcissist and having bpd too. I am learning that I can make a huge difference in this relationship, without needing her to agree to anything, in particular that she has a problem. There are strategies to help with communication and avoid arguments. I have bent over backwards to keep the peace over the years and given up many things for her (eg. She doesn’t like me playing the piano because she’s upset that she can’t play the piano. I am a piano teacher and I work with some very difficult children, but I’ve tried to help my wife learn and she just says I’m a bad teacher and walks away). I now realise that my desperation to please her has only made things far worse and I am trying to reverse some of that damage slowly but surely especially as we have two small children and I owe it to them. Another book I found useful was “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. I wish you all the best.