my resistance to giving (high levels of) validation

[zondolit]

My husband (uBPD) desires and requires a lot of validation, affirmation, compliments, etc. from me (particularly, in his case, as relates to his career). Do others experience the same?

Why do I encounter resistance in myself to give this? I know he needs this validation and yet I feel reluctant to give it--not at times when it feels appropriate to do so--that's no problem--but at the level he wants and perhaps needs. Is it because it appears to me as a black hole of validation need and I fear that? Or something else?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[fisher101]

Maybe, or maybe it is because you know that it shouldn't be needed.

But yes I've experienced that too.

[Cat Familiar]

I get it, it sometimes seems like pwBPD can be an empty vessel and you cannot validate them enough. 

Perhaps you are tired of dealing with an emotional toddler as per validation needs. It’s understandable.

That pwBPD have such deep seated feelings of not being *good enough* is challenging for partners. You understand there’s no way you can validate him enough to repair that wounded place, and it’s not you job as his wife to try to do so.

That said, perhaps it’s time to look at *how* you validate him when you do it. Perhaps there’s a way to make that validation count for more than it currently is.

Here’s an article about validation needs: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191788.0

[Chosen]

Why do I encounter resistance in myself to give this? I know he needs this validation and yet I feel reluctant to give it--not at times when it feels appropriate to do so--that's no problem--but at the level he wants and perhaps needs. Is it because it appears to me as a black hole of validation need and I fear that? Or something else?

One of the reasons could me, you know he wouldn't be giving you the same level of validation, or anything near it?  That it would always been an imbalance, like whatever he did is worth praise but whatever you do is never good enough?  Don't know if that's how you feel, but that's how I feel sometimes...

[T0M]

Because it is never enough!

My GF started a new job and I'm constantly saying I'm so proud of her, asking what she will be doing, how it feels in the new job, buying her a good luck card, surprised her with a celebration dinner...

And still she has the nerves to blame me of not understanding what a big step it is for her. And that I'm not involved, that I have an easy live...

[fisher101]

Because it is never enough!

My GF started a new job and I'm constantly saying I'm so proud of her, asking what she will be doing, how it feels in the new job, buying her a good luck card, surprised her with a celebration dinner...

And still she has the nerves to blame me of not understanding what a big step it is for her. And that I'm not involved, that I have an easy live...

Sometimes, in my experience, when you offer this kind of praise to other adults it comes across as treating them like a kid...like you're shocked they could pull it off.

It has its place for sure, but put you're self in their shoes.

Maybe just ask her how it's working out for her. Sit, listen and acknowledge.

[zondolit]

I can work on better listening skills in my marriage. (I'm a great listener outside my marriage.) My husband can talk at length. He's told our marriage counselor he needs to talk for a week, not an hour each week. (I'd hate to see that bill!)

I can do better at:
1. Setting limits as to how long we "talk." When I know there's an end in sight, I can listen better. He hates this, of course.
2. Directing the conversation. He tends to rehash old hurts and injuries and/or lecture me and there is rarely anything new here. But I'm unclear as to how to walk the line between listening and trying to direct the conversation along more fruitful avenues. I often ask questions and this works for him but is a one-way street. Perhaps I just need to accept that.

I did bring up the lecturing directly with him a few weeks ago. I used the "When I [sit through a lecture where there isn’t dialogue but merely monologue], I feel [trapped and condescended to]" formula and it worked. He agreed that he hates lectures too. (It is how his father has treated him his entire life.) I had to avoid any reference to my husband being the one who lectures, which was kind of maddening, but it worked to talk about it "abstractly." It's still unclear to me what he recommends I do should I feel I'm being lectured to, but it was a start.

[formflier]

So...for the "lecturing" thing I would set a timer (perhaps in your head) and then excuse yourself

Or perhaps offer a conversation later.

Maybe get in the habit of asking for parameters when your hubby wants to talk.  I mean...a 30 sec discussion about X is totally different than a  10 minute monologue.

For the OP:  I would be interested in an example of times when you felt appropriate to validate and then did so

Also an example or two of times when you felt it inappropriate.  I'd like to understand more of how it plays out there.

Best,

FF

[zondolit]

The easiest validations are, not surprisingly, when my husband says something accurate or something he feels good about.

H: “I might have gotten a new customer today.”
Me: “Oh, that’s great! Congratulations! Who is it?”

Other times I’ve successfully used validation even when he’s accusing me or others of something untrue—and it isn’t easy for me—I need more practice--but I see that it can work.

H: “I’m not getting any support here!”
Me: “It must be hard to feel you aren’t supported.”

Most of the time he replies to a statement like this with some anger: “It’s not a FEELING. It’s the TRUTH!” But on occasion he might agree with me, or go quiet for a moment, or even cry.

Another example following two years of marriage counseling:

H: “In therapy we never got to what I wanted to talk about. We never got to what is important to me.”
Me: “That must be frustrating.”
H: “It is!”

It seems like what he most wants is for me to be enthusiastic about his small business (he is self-employed) and regularly and spontaneously compliment him on it. While there are aspects I can honestly affirm—he has a good product and I say so to him and others—the business has never made money, and sometimes loses money, even without accounting for his time. And he works very long hours. He is jealous of my career and ashamed that he doesn’t contribute financially to the household, though he would deny these adamantly.

[formflier]

I'm interested in your reaction to reading the article below.

Validating questions article


Best,

FF

[zondolit]

   
I'm interested in your reaction to reading the article below.

Validating questions article

Funny! I was reading that book last weekend! I like the idea of working with questions to show interest. Asking questions comes naturally to me. If I pair this with excusing myself after a certain amount of time, I think it can work. Without that time limit I begin to feel like my questions are only making the "black hole" bigger.

The chapter says this: "When you ask, 'What do you think can be done?' you leave the responsibility where it belongs, and encourage the person to come up with a personal solution that will work for him or her." I don't find this question works well with my husband because he uses it as an opening to blame me for his dissatisfaction with his career and his business not doing well (or anything else).

A question that has worked, say, 70% of the time is to return to him after a disagreement, when he is more regulated, and ask him what I should have done. An example:

Me: You got upset when I said I wouldn't make a delivery for you last Saturday. Given that I wasn't willing to make the delivery, what should I have said when you asked?

H: You should have said you know how busy I am, how important my work is, and how I've built up a business from nothing.