Feeling worthless and suicidal

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks for the encouragement. I cracked and I went on stupid TextNow and sent him a message asking him to please speak with me.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not easy to detach. Mentally prepare, how will you respond if he responds in a certain way? If he doesn't respond at all? That way you will be prepared. Whenever I hear from my expwBPD I always remind myself before responding "you can't trust this person," so remind yourself of that as well if it helps.

Keep us posted here what happens. We all ultimately want what's best for you!

I know for me it took many conversations with my expwBPD before I even felt strong enough to begin detaching, too many unanswered questions, but I do feel ready now. You'll get there, too. Please be kind to yourself and do some nice things for yourself.

[idk123]

He doesn't respond. He hasn't reached out or responded on 6 months. I can't eat anymore. I ate half an apple and vomited. All I can do is just lay on my couch. I can't get up anymore. I don't understand what I did to deserve this.

[drumdog4M]

idk123,

You did not do anything to deserve this. Please be kind to yourself. I know it is very hard and that you are in pain. If possible, maybe you could try doing at least one thing a day that distracts you from ruminating about the situation and reminds you that there are many other things in life worth experiencing, whether it's time in nature, a few chapters in a good book, or exercise. As long as it focuses your mind on something else for a little while.

I recall that you said you do not have access to therapy. I wonder, however, if you might have access to a psychiatrist who could assess whether medication would be helpful for you.

We are here for you and wishing you well.

[2020]

Hi. I have read you story and like others here, I want to tell you that I am sorry you are in this torment currently. I am also discarded by my partner. It is 16 days now and I do not know if I will ever hear from her again.

But what I wanted to say is you are not worthless. You come across as many do here; as a kind genuine human being who CARES. I makes me sad to read all of these similar stories of beautiful people who are thrown onto the crapheap by people who are really not worthy of our love. I tell you what, I wish somebody would come and give me a poem they had been carrying around in their pocket.

I remember when my mother was alive. I was telling her an incident which happened about this woman whom I got involved with. I don’t even remember the situation, it was so long ago. But my mother said that despite being treated so poorly, don’t ever let it stop you being a kind human being.  

I can only suggest to you what I am trying to tell myself today. Imagine if we put this energy and love into somebody who appreciated it? We just need to work on ourselves. Sooner or later someone will notice us and fall in love with us because we are compassionate decent souls. Hard as things are now, it won’t always be like this.

[WhatToDo47]

Beautifully said, drumdog and 2020. I completely agree. 2020, sorry to hear what happened to you and it happened to me, too, so I understand your pain. We all deserve better than this. Hang in there. Better days ahead for all, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Keep posting here everyone, it is a form of journaling and therapy.

And idk, you did NOTHING to deserve this. Maybe read the 10 mistaken beliefs after a BPD breakup article or whatever it's called on here. It's so helpful and I read it over and over again after I was brutally and coldly discarded.

idk, there has to be some form of free counseling or psychiatry service where you are, even if it's online. Seek it out. It's worth it and you deserve it. You matter too. I'm concerned about you and you may even want to seek hospital care if you're not able to take care of yourself. You are a good person and deserve a good life.

[WhatToDo47]

And your feelings are valid and healthy and understandable. You were abused. Don't try to not feel what you feel. Accept it, be kind and let yourself feel, notice the feelings, and also let them pass. This pain won't last forever, even though it feels like it now.

[idk123]

He spoke to me for three hours on Sunday. He still refuses to unblock me because seeing me makes him nervous and he doesn't know why other than that our friendship got too intimate and he couldn't handle it. He says he hasn't been seeing anyone and has accepted he'll be "alone forever".

[drumdog4M]

Did speaking with him give you some of the closure you were seeking?

How do you feel after the conversation?

[idk123]

I felt hopeful that he would unblock me. He seemed like he was considering it, but so far he hasn't. I don't understand what is wrong with me that he doesn't like me. He claims he was just mirroring my attraction to him and it was all one sided, but it really did not seem like that at all. It seems like he cares about me, but is afraid of it. It's so frustrating. He told me everything, always wanted me around, we spoke everyday and saw each other twice a week by the end, and he definitely found me attractive (something that seemed to bother him a lot). It seems like the only thing he didn't like about me, was that I liked him. He's obsessed with a woman he has nothing in common with who he barely got to know and seemed really bored by during the 6 weeks they dated (they only met in person 5 times). He mourns his relationship with her because she essentially ended it, but doesn't seem to give a sh*t about our year long friendship (which he admitted was more like a relationship). It just makes me feel so used and so useless. I don't want closure, I just want my friend back.

[idk123]

Even more upsetting, this girl he's obsessed with, looks like me. Everyone won't stop pointing it out to me and it makes me feel awful.

[drumdog4M]

I understand how sad, frustrating, and confusing that must be. It is really challenging trying to understand the "logic" pwBPD use in dealing with relationships of any kind. I certainly cannot explain his actions, though it is consistent with what I know about the way pwBPD think and behave.

You cannot make him change or engage with you, unless or until he is ready. It seems that you communicated your desire to remain friends with him and are willing to do so if he will let you. To me, it looks like you have done your part.

Though challenging, I would encourage you to focus on yourself and, if possible, trying to develop other truly reciprocal friendships. I also wonder if posting on the Board for bettering / reversing a breakup might yield some other ideas if you are trying to repair the relationship versus detaching and moving on from it.  

I am so sorry you are in pain, and please know that we are here to support you however we can.

[drumdog4M]

I see that you are referring to him as a "friend", but it seems like you are in love with him or otherwise ruminating over more than friendship. For whatever reason, he is stuck on his ex. Rejection to a pwBPD is one of their core wounds. It seems like he cannot get past that for now. As noted in an earlier post, this is not your fault, and you did nothing to deserve this. He does not seem in a place to requite your love.

And in fairness to yourself, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is "obsessed" with someone else? You deserve better, my friend. Please be kind to yourself.

[WhatToDo47]

I don't have too much to add right now other than to second that you deserve better. I know that's not what you want right now, but it is what you deserve. Trust me, I've been in your shoes of just wanting them back, even if it's unhealthy for me and my emotional safety.

I agree that maybe you should post and read some on the bettering and conflicted boards. That's where I started and it gave me a lot of tools to try and salvage our mess of a marriage before I finally decided that I simply could not continue with her and ended up on this board.

It's a journey and a process, and remember that (especially with a pwBPD) no decision is final. You can and have the right to change your mind.

NOTHING is wrong with you that he doesn't like you because you like him. That's just his sick, twisted, cruel mental illness talking. Any normal, healthy person wants to be with someone who likes them vs someone who doesn't and they have nothing in common with.

I hope you're able to do something nice for yourself today and take care.

[idk123]

I'm struggling not to message him again, which I know would undo any chance of him talking to me because I essentially have to act like I don't care about him. It's so painful. I am trying to cultivate other friendships but he meant so much to me and I'd been through so much traumatic stuff ontop of everything else. I am so alone in the city I live in and my contamination phobia makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I go days not speaking outloud and I didn't physically interact with another person for all of December and half of January.

[WhatToDo47]

I'm struggling not to message him again, which I know would undo any chance of him talking to me because I essentially have to act like I don't care about him. It's so painful. I am trying to cultivate other friendships but he meant so much to me and I'd been through so much traumatic stuff ontop of everything else. I am so alone in the city I live in and my contamination phobia makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I go days not speaking outloud and I didn't physically interact with another person for all of December and half of January.

Is this the kind of relationship you want for yourself? You deserve so much better. I know how crippling OCD can be, and I really think you owe it to yourself to get some help. You deserve a better life than this isolated one. I know there is some form of help you can get, a doctor or therapist. I'm not saying this to be harsh, just because I care about you and I'm worried about you. Please be as kind to yourself as you are to him.

I wish I had more to say. I really think these questions might be better answered by the staying and conflicted boards and I encourage you to post there, too.

Also, if you do contact him again just remember that you can't trust him and expect him to act in cruel and childish ways.

[idk123]

I can't get therapy because I have OCD specifically around treatment after being forcibly confined. I do ERT and CBT on my own with help from a friend from an OCD support group who is a neurologist/psychologist.

I crumbled and wound up texting him by making two stupid Textnow accounts and begging (something I never did). He called and we spoke for three hours like we used to. He seemed sad. I asked if he would unblock me and he seemed like he might, but he didn't. I was so determined to not text him again for like a month, but then four days later I randomly ran into him on the street (we live in a big city, so this is weird). We made eye contact and I ran away like an idiot, but it upset me and I crumpled and sent a bunch of ridiculously emotional texts last night and asked him to please meet with me. Now I've definitely scared him off and he'll double down even more

[WhatToDo47]

I can't get therapy because I have OCD specifically around treatment after being forcibly confined. I do ERT and CBT on my own with help from a friend from an OCD support group who is a neurologist/psychologist.

I crumbled and wound up texting him by making two stupid Textnow accounts and begging (something I never did). He called and we spoke for three hours like we used to. He seemed sad. I asked if he would unblock me and he seemed like he might, but he didn't. I was so determined to not text him again for like a month, but then four days later I randomly ran into him on the street (we live in a big city, so this is weird). We made eye contact and I ran away like an idiot, but it upset me and I crumpled and sent a bunch of ridiculously emotional texts last night and asked him to please meet with me. Now I've definitely scared him off and he'll double down even more

I am glad you are getting some help from a friend and are doing ERT and CBT. Don't be too hard on yourself, it is REALLY hard to detach from pwBPD, they are addictive and OCD already makes us more vulnerable to obsessions.

Sorry for the slow replies, I have been very busy. How are you doing? Did you have a chance to post on the staying and/or conflicted boards?

One bit of advice I received shortly after finding this site is that with a pwBPD it's never really "over," whether it's 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, etc. They don't attach OR detach in a healthy stable way. I NEVER thought my pwBPD would want to talk to me again, now she is reaching out to me often but I am healed enough not to want to engage her. He will reach out to you again, but it's up to you what you want to do.

[idk123]

Thank you for responding. I have not posted elsewhere as I found it hard to get replies in the past. I spoke to him again. I was having a panic attack and once again reached out via a temporary text app. He spoke to me for two hours, but still refused to unblock me.

I think he is surprised to see me upset, I always kept my mental health issues separate (though he knew i had severe ocd and that it was actually "worse" than his BPD) and never leaned on him. He never seemed too interested in my stuff, definitely didn't love bomb me, so I don't think he'll come back. I don't think he ever cared. He cut me off so quickly and never once faltered. I'm blocked everywhere and it's incredibly triggering. I'm friendly with all my exes, even one who beat me during a bipolar manic episode. I've never had someone just throw me away. I haven't told him how awfully I am doing, because I think that would frighten him away, but I genuinely feel like I'm slowly dying from the insomnia and loss of appetite. I can't look in a mirror anymore. I have to do my makeup with a tiny mirror so I can just see bits of me because I feel so horrible about myself now. Being raped left me with a lot of issues that he weirdly helped heal, now that he's thrown me away like trash, I feel even more like trash than I did after the assault.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you for responding. I have not posted elsewhere as I found it hard to get replies in the past. I spoke to him again. I was having a panic attack and once again reached out via a temporary text app. He spoke to me for two hours, but still refused to unblock me.

I think he is surprised to see me upset, I always kept my mental health issues separate (though he knew i had severe ocd and that it was actually "worse" than his BPD) and never leaned on him. He never seemed too interested in my stuff, definitely didn't love bomb me, so I don't think he'll come back. I don't think he ever cared. He cut me off so quickly and never once faltered. I'm blocked everywhere and it's incredibly triggering. I'm friendly with all my exes, even one who beat me during a bipolar manic episode. I've never had someone just throw me away. I haven't told him how awfully I am doing, because I think that would frighten him away, but I genuinely feel like I'm slowly dying from the insomnia and loss of appetite. I can't look in a mirror anymore. I have to do my makeup with a tiny mirror so I can just see bits of me because I feel so horrible about myself now. Being raped left me with a lot of issues that he weirdly helped heal, now that he's thrown me away like trash, I feel even more like trash than I did after the assault.

I'm glad you are posting on here. I wish I had words to help you, but just know that I and everyone here cares about you and is rooting for you. Is it helping to hear from him, even in my spurts? I actually found that hearing occasionally, those hours long phone calls, and then nothing, from my expwBPD helped me detach because it showed me how little she truly cares about me except when it fills a need for her.

I hope you are having an ok day. Apologies in advance for slow replies. I have been very busy and don't get to post on here as much as I used to.

[idk123]

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it. Hearing from him made me feel so much better and like we were on track to being friends again, but I can't stop my neediness and I only managed 16 days before I cracked and sent him texts again asking him to call me because I was having a panic attack. Unlike the past two times, this time he didn't.  I feel terrible, I'm so ridiculously isolated and lonely and I miss him terribly.

[SBBayArea]

Hi,
 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. We've all, to some extent or another, gone through something similar to this. A discard is brutal and devastating for anyone to go through. Mine happened out of the blue on Valentine's Day and then I was isolated during the epidemic. I found out my ex met someone while I was still with her (with the aid of her mother no less) and moved in with this person less than two weeks after we'd broken up. I think I cried every day for months. I was even admitted to a psych facility due to this exacerbating my underlying depression. Anytime I tried to get answers out of her, both while in the relationship and afterwards,  she would emotionally shut down which made me frustrated and angry. She knew I had trauma in my life and yet she still did the things she did because, as she told me, "I needed to be selfish." Her discard seemed narcissistic and sociopathic, almost.

What needs to happen is that your heart (emotions) needs to catch up to your brain (logical thought). This can take a while. Like you, I was blocked everywhere. Understand that what you are going through is a natural response to being abandoned, perhaps more-so if one of your parents have a personality disorder. It really helps, in the beginning, to think of this like a drug addiction. The communication that you seek is the drug- in that it will excite a serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin response in your brain. This communication won't be enough, however, and will always leave you wanting more. Remember, you aren't dealing with a person who has the same response to emotions and empathy as you do. If you were to perform an MRI of this person's brain next to a "neurotypical" person, you'd be able to see substantial differences in their limbic system (emotional response region) activation. This is why they will never be able to give you the answers and closure you're looking for. There's no self reflection here without years of DBT therapy. And even that probably won't work for the majority of cases. It's maddening and is made worse that while you are left devastated, they will just jump into another relationship without a second thought, seemingly off into the sunset.

The worst of part of this is coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is over. While there were moments when this person probably loved you, their definition of "love" is vastly different than yours. They needed you for validation, thus their "love" is really attachment. That's why they can throw you away so easily. If they loved you, they would've never said or done the things they did to you.

 You are going to have to wean yourself off of this person. Don't take anything they say to you seriously. One, it's mostly likely gaslighting and lies, and two, what they say to you during the discard is them talking to themselves. My father, for example, is a narcissist which is one of the reasons I was vulnerable to this type of relationship to begin with. He once told me, "I will always see you as a handicapped child", because of my depression. I now realize he was talking about himself. But it was easy to internalize that. BPD folks say horrible things because deep down they are sad and scared. Most of us grow out of that when we're young, but they haven't.

Do not check their socials. This will always lead to pain. It's really hard not to but it will set you back miles in your healing. The best thing I did was to go "no contact". No contact works because it sets the stage for healing with you and establishes a boundary with them. Remember, BPD is about control. Control is all they have to make sense of the world around them. By establishing no contact - phone #, email, socials, ect. - you are taking control away from them. It also keeps you going back for another hit - another "maybe if I talk to them this will work" or "maybe we can rekindle this with time". That doesn't exist. The connection you seek is something they can't give -  they're just not capable of it.

As you get over this and begin to heal, you will see that this is actually a blessing in disguise. I know it didn't seem like that at time my ex broke up with me. I was left sobbing at work, on the train, by myself. I felt like my life had stopped. But imagine what damage will be caused by someone who is only attached to you for their own needs. Life is full of hardship regardless of who you are. Do you want to be with someone who leaves you at the drop of a hat? Who lies and makes things up? That doesn't have your best interest in mind? Do you want to be treated like a co- dependent doormat, constantly walking on eggshells all of time, trying to not set this person off? What if you were married to this person? Do you think they would take their marriage vows seriously? Children? What would it be like for a child to grow up with a mother or father that treats them the same way you are being treated - or- worse because your partner, like a 2-year old,  no longer feels like they are the center of things? That's yet another generation of children dealing with mental illness because a parent isn't in any way, shape or form prepared to deal with themselves, no less children.  

 What helped me was knowing that this behavior had a face. Knowing it was BPD made it easier because I had an explanation. Use your OCD -  read about this disorder. A good number of us now have phd's in the subject. just know that you aren't in any way alone. This forum is a godsend. Reddit has BPDlovedones. You are more of a survivor than you know. You just had the bad luck of attracting this kind of person into your life. We are here for you.

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,
 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. We've all, to some extent or another, gone through something similar to this. A discard is brutal and devastating for anyone to go through. Mine happened out of the blue on Valentine's Day and then I was isolated during the epidemic. I found out my ex met someone while I was still with her (with the aid of her mother no less) and moved in with this person less than two weeks after we'd broken up. I think I cried every day for months. I was even admitted to a psych facility due to this exacerbating my underlying depression. Anytime I tried to get answers out of her, both while in the relationship and afterwards,  she would emotionally shut down which made me frustrated and angry. She knew I had trauma in my life and yet she still did the things she did because, as she told me, "I needed to be selfish." Her discard seemed narcissistic and sociopathic, almost.

What needs to happen is that your heart (emotions) needs to catch up to your brain (logical thought). This can take a while. Like you, I was blocked everywhere. Understand that what you are going through is a natural response to being abandoned, perhaps more-so if one of your parents have a personality disorder. It really helps, in the beginning, to think of this like a drug addiction. The communication that you seek is the drug- in that it will excite a serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin response in your brain. This communication won't be enough, however, and will always leave you wanting more. Remember, you aren't dealing with a person who has the same response to emotions and empathy as you do. If you were to perform an MRI of this person's brain next to a "neurotypical" person, you'd be able to see substantial differences in their limbic system (emotional response region) activation. This is why they will never be able to give you the answers and closure you're looking for. There's no self reflection here without years of DBT therapy. And even that probably won't work for the majority of cases. It's maddening and is made worse that while you are left devastated, they will just jump into another relationship without a second thought, seemingly off into the sunset.

The worst of part of this is coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is over. While there were moments when this person probably loved you, their definition of "love" is vastly different than yours. They needed you for validation, thus their "love" is really attachment. That's why they can throw you away so easily. If they loved you, they would've never said or done the things they did to you.

 You are going to have to wean yourself off of this person. Don't take anything they say to you seriously. One, it's mostly likely gaslighting and lies, and two, what they say to you during the discard is them talking to themselves. My father, for example, is a narcissist which is one of the reasons I was vulnerable to this type of relationship to begin with. He once told me, "I will always see you as a handicapped child", because of my depression. I now realize he was talking about himself. But it was easy to internalize that. BPD folks say horrible things because deep down they are sad and scared. Most of us grow out of that when we're young, but they haven't.

Do not check their socials. This will always lead to pain. It's really hard not to but it will set you back miles in your healing. The best thing I did was to go "no contact". No contact works because it sets the stage for healing with you and establishes a boundary with them. Remember, BPD is about control. Control is all they have to make sense of the world around them. By establishing no contact - phone #, email, socials, ect. - you are taking control away from them. It also keeps you going back for another hit - another "maybe if I talk to them this will work" or "maybe we can rekindle this with time". That doesn't exist. The connection you seek is something they can't give -  they're just not capable of it.

As you get over this and begin to heal, you will see that this is actually a blessing in disguise. I know it didn't seem like that at time my ex broke up with me. I was left sobbing at work, on the train, by myself. I felt like my life had stopped. But imagine what damage will be caused by someone who is only attached to you for their own needs. Life is full of hardship regardless of who you are. Do you want to be with someone who leaves you at the drop of a hat? Who lies and makes things up? That doesn't have your best interest in mind? Do you want to be treated like a co- dependent doormat, constantly walking on eggshells all of time, trying to not set this person off? What if you were married to this person? Do you think they would take their marriage vows seriously? Children? What would it be like for a child to grow up with a mother or father that treats them the same way you are being treated - or- worse because your partner, like a 2-year old,  no longer feels like they are the center of things? That's yet another generation of children dealing with mental illness because a parent isn't in any way, shape or form prepared to deal with themselves, no less children.  

 What helped me was knowing that this behavior had a face. Knowing it was BPD made it easier because I had an explanation. Use your OCD -  read about this disorder. A good number of us now have phd's in the subject. just know that you aren't in any way alone. This forum is a godsend. Reddit has BPDlovedones. You are more of a survivor than you know. You just had the bad luck of attracting this kind of person into your life. We are here for you.

Hi friend, I sure hope this helped idk123.

This is one of the most helpful, thorough, and insightful posts I have read. I know this helped me greatly, and I will be re-reading this post. Not that it's about me - this is idk123's thread after all - but I just want to say thank you for this gem of a post.

My ex and what she did to me mirror yours very closely - even her mom helping to find the replacement. It sounds like you are doing so well now, I am so happy to hear that. How did you get there? How long has it been NC for you?

I agree, this site and these forums and all like them are a Godsend. We are not alone. Hang in there my friend.

idk123, I hope you are doing well tonight and I am thinking about and praying for and with you all!

[SBBayArea]

Hi friend, I sure hope this helped idk123.

This is one of the most helpful, thorough, and insightful posts I have read. I know this helped me greatly, and I will be re-reading this post. Not that it's about me - this is idk123's thread after all - but I just want to say thank you for this gem of a post.

My ex and what she did to me mirror yours very closely - even her mom helping to find the replacement. It sounds like you are doing so well now, I am so happy to hear that. How did you get there? How long has it been NC for you?

I agree, this site and these forums and all like them are a Godsend. We are not alone. Hang in there my friend.

idk123, I hope you are doing well tonight and I am thinking about and praying for and with you all!

WhatToDo47 - thanks for you kind words and I'm happy that what I posted made an impact. I went full NC in January of this year. It's been just over two years since discard. I got here with a ton a therapy, to be honest. I have good days and bad days. I'm a particular case because I have underlying depression which made me isolate from the world after this happened. I dated a few people but nothing major for over two years. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face and I was a NYC paramedic for over a decade, having responded to a number of intense international disaster zones. Perhaps because it was so personal. Hit me up anytime. I hope you are doing well on your journey.

[2020]

Indeed, a helpful post SBBayArea, thanks. I was not aware of the reddit group. It is interesting to read. A good cross section of stories of those in the detatching category. No ‘bettering’ triage there.

Idk123, I am almost seven weeks out from a discard. A sudden amputation with silent treatment, police involvement, the whole bit. I have been suffering hugely to be honest, but in recent days I feel a change in me. Like you, I tried really hard to make it work. It just wore me down, hurt me, and made me lose my identity. I willingly went from partner to caretaker to slave.

I used to go absolutely mental with worry and anxiety a couple of years ago. Now after all the abuse, violence and destruction, I am slowly realising that I need to let go. Perhaps it may take you longer to resolve this heartache? It took me 14 years. I am today at the point where I will not allow this to go on. Distance has given me some clarity it seems. I am perhaps not the squid she said I was. I am almost believing it does get better. Just be gentle on yourself and give yourself some time.

[SinisterComplex]

Indeed, a helpful post SBBayArea, thanks. I was not aware of the reddit group. It is interesting to read. A good cross section of stories of those in the detatching category. No ‘bettering’ triage there.

Idk123, I am almost seven weeks out from a discard. A sudden amputation with silent treatment, police involvement, the whole bit. I have been suffering hugely to be honest, but in recent days I feel a change in me. Like you, I tried really hard to make it work. It just wore me down, hurt me, and made me lose my identity. I willingly went from partner to caretaker to slave.

I used to go absolutely mental with worry and anxiety a couple of years ago. Now after all the abuse, violence and destruction, I am slowly realising that I need to let go. Perhaps it may take you longer to resolve this heartache? It took me 14 years. I am today at the point where I will not allow this to go on. Distance has given me some clarity it seems. I am perhaps not the squid she said I was. I am almost believing it does get better. Just be gentle on yourself and give yourself some time.

It does get better indeed, but only with time, patience, and dedication to making things better. I will reiterate your very words to you...Be Gentle on yourself. I highly doubt you are a squid ;-). Just remember my friend...no one dictates your value but YOU. Keep your head and keep moving forward to being a better version of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

Such encouraging and helpful replies. Thank you!

idk123, you can do it!

"I willingly went from partner to caretaker to slave."

Wow that sums up a BPD relationship so well. I heard from my BPD ex yesterday and I'll post about it, but sometimes it just takes getting betrayed by them over and over and over again to break the spell.

I'll have to check out the Reddit group as well.

It's interesting SBBayarea that you mention that you were a paramedic. I am a pharmacist and I think that played into why it was so difficult for me to let her go as well. All day every day I see and study medicine making people better. I had no idea that things like BPD exist that medicine simply can't cure. So sad but also so incredibly dangerous to them and everyone who cares about them.

[idk123]

I'm not doing well at all. I'm happy that other people are getting something from my post though, that is at least a positive.

I can't seem to stop myself from reaching out and it's sabotaging any chance he will ever speak to me again.

I went through a series of horrible traumas right before we became friends  (I never even got a real relationship with him) and this has honestly scarred me so badly, I don't think therapy would even help (not that I am able to do therapy because of an unrelated issue with my stupid OCD). I don't know what to do. Literally NOTHING makes me feel happy anymore and the only thing keeping me going is the hope hell speak to me again.

[2020]

Hi idk123. I can feel the desperation in your words. I’m sorry life is such a struggle.

I was thinking before… wondering how you might view your current situation if you were not a participant in this? Say, if it were a documentary you were watching. What would you be thinking? Who would you be feeling sorry for? Who would you empathise with?

I say this because from my outside perspective, it seems to me that you are the one towards whom the care, love and compassion needs to be directed. It is not good. You are suffering and you are pouring all your love into a person who is perhaps not capable of returning it. Is it even appreciated? I am not judging you; this applies to me very much so too.

Feeling unloved is awful. I would love to be loved! The problem is that the people we love are not there for us. As hard as it seems, we need to care for ourselves now. We need to nurse our own wounds. Perhaps when we have healed a little, someone new will cross our paths. Someone who understands and who actually cares.

I really hope you get some better days. You deserve it.

[idk123]

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. At this point in my life with the chronic issues I have, I've opted to apply for a new medically assisted suicide program  that mentally ill people now qualify for in my country. (Fortunately one of my old psychiatrists was part of an advocacy group that campaigned to have mentally ill people added to the program)

I'm content with my decision and feel weirdly better. I have the paperwork ready and am meeting with my doctor next month. It will likely take a while to be approved (which sucks because winter is really difficult mentally and physically with all the OCD rituals I do and I don't want to face another one).

If I do get approved, I'm conflicted on if I should bother telling him. I don't want him thinking it was anything to do with him, he actually made my life briefly better and I'm thankful for that now.

[2020]

Hello idk123. I am sorry to hear of your ongoing sadness. I have sent you a message…