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Author Topic: Feeling worthless and suicidal  (Read 4546 times)
idk123
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« on: January 28, 2022, 02:28:56 AM »

I can't get over being discarded like trash. I supported him despite going through my own trauma involving ocd and an assault. I feel like he wants me to not exist and now i don't want to exist.
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ACycleWiser

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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2022, 09:59:39 AM »

I can't get over being discarded like trash. I supported him despite going through my own trauma involving ocd and an assault. I feel like he wants me to not exist and now i don't want to exist.

This is really the most painful aspect, and i feel your pain as i too have experienced this, two times actually.

The cruelty of the disease is that BPDs look for care and safety in others, once there is a moment the empathy and care should run the other direction, they can't. The relationship will be at its "best" at times that you are strong and at your best. The moment though that you start to show signs of weakness, disease, or genuine effects from the turbulent relationship pattern, they get scared of no longer being taken care of themselves, so they devalue and discard.

He wants you to not exist because deep down he IS confronted with guilt, he knows he can't return the favor. But as a classic cluster-B defense, to avoid the pain it gets externalized and projected outward. So the feeling that he does not want you to exist, is really the only way for him to remain innocent and be able to outrun the guilt. The fact they devalue you is a devaluation of themselves primarily. Remember that they try to avoid feeling many negative emotions, and that they only get rid of them by casting them onto you.

So, would you let someone who does the above decide over your right and value to exist?



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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2022, 12:52:11 PM »

I can't get over being discarded like trash. I supported him despite going through my own trauma involving ocd and an assault. I feel like he wants me to not exist and now i don't want to exist.

Hey IDK I certainly understand your pain. It hurts and it hurts deeply to the point where it feels like it will never end. However, realize that the agony is a reminder that you have the ability to love and to feel. You are not the problem. Additionally, you matter and your life has more value than you could possibly understand.

Never ever let anyone dictate your worth and value but yourself. Do not let someone else put you into the position where you contemplate that are you willing to give up the single most important thing there is. Life itself. There are others who you love and care about and they love and care about you. Let go of the thought that you would put them in pain by removing yourself from their lives. You would be projecting on them what was done to you and I am pretty confident you do not want to do that. Yes it sucks, but you are going to get past this and get through this. Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Please continue to vent to us here and let us help you. We are all in this together. This family has your back.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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jaded7
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2022, 03:57:00 PM »

This is really the most painful aspect, and i feel your pain as i too have experienced this, two times actually.

The cruelty of the disease is that BPDs look for care and safety in others, once there is a moment the empathy and care should run the other direction, they can't. The relationship will be at its "best" at times that you are strong and at your best. The moment though that you start to show signs of weakness, disease, or genuine effects from the turbulent relationship pattern, they get scared of no longer being taken care of themselves, so they devalue and discard.

He wants you to not exist because deep down he IS confronted with guilt, he knows he can't return the favor. But as a classic cluster-B defense, to avoid the pain it gets externalized and projected outward...

So, would you let someone who does the above decide over your right and value to exist?

I feel your pain. Daily. I know many others here do too. It hurts, a lot. I'm increasingly believing that this pain is due to attachment trauma, which I certainly experienced growing up...a lot. It primes us for this. Just letting you know you're not alone, if that helps at all.

ACycleWiser- you make some very good points. They want/need care and safety in others, but can't offer it. Quite the opposite, actually. And at least in my case and those I've read of others, they really despise you when you want care and safety from them.

My ex, very early in the relationship, asked me in tears if "I would take care of her". I didn't really understand what this meant at the time (I had no knowledge of BPD), but as a loving partner I said "of course". I wanted to take care of her. I'm a caring person, and I loved her. The trick is that I couldn't 'take care of her', no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I tried and tried. When she was sick at home and I called and texted asking how she was, is there anything I can bring you...she said no, nothing. Then blocked me on the phone because "I couldn't take care of her". When I told her that I tried, wanted to, even made suggestions of things I could do when she told me she needed nothing, she mocked my suggestions and said "my friends know what to do without asking".

There's no winning. One night in an angry bout she looked at my books on the bookshelves and said "your books are shelved sloppily, you can't even stack your books right, how are you going to take care of me?"

If I showed 'needs' of any sort, I was rejected and shamed. On a bad day I was having -once- I went to her place for lunch, and asked while she was cooking if I could have another hug. She looked at me disdainfully and said "No, too needy". This from the person who called me all the time to complain about her life and I listened patiently and lovingly. If I had a struggle at work that day, just talking about day-to-day frustrations "I thought I already told you..." If I was upset at some confusing mind games, hurt by her anger, bewildered by her words, and cried "I don't have time for your emotions."

So I think you're right. You take care of them, they don't take care of you. And they look for signs that you might not be able to take care of them and devalue you for them.
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idk123
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2022, 01:57:17 AM »

I was never good enough for him. I wasn't his favorite person and he didn't idealized me. We just slowly got to know each other and it really seemed like he had feelings for me, but that they confused him. I miss him so much, i have two friends in the city I live in and severe OCD after a sexual assault 2 years ago that resulted in my boyfriend of 5 yeas ghosting oUT of our relationship. I really didn't need this heart break added on. Im torn between wanting to find him and kiss him, and wanting to scream and yell at him that I was much more vulnerable than him and how could he just cut me off without any regard for how that might affect me after using me for comfort and advice and sex for 9 months.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2022, 12:52:48 PM »

Hey IDK you have every right to be pissed off and angry. Moreover, just plain hurt. It is ok to feel that way. The only part I want to interject on. Thinking that you were never good enough for him or that you are not good enough for him. I can understand how you feel that way and why you feel that way. What I would ask you to do though is to consider the opposite. Beyond that always remember that your kindness is a strength never a weakness. Additionally, entertain the thought that hey it has nothing to do with who is not good enough for whom, but more to do with that one person is disordered and the other is not which is a recipe for the non to be left in the wake of devastation.

Of course that doesn't make it much easier because you are still left with these feelings. Please continue to vent. We truly care about you here and want to see you happy and doing better. You will get there. Believe in YOU.

Hang in there. Keep your head up. Take care of you. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2022, 02:40:16 PM »

I can definitely relate to all of the stories here. It’s okay to feel sad, lonely, hurt. No one will every be good enough for him. Ever. And everyone deserves to be treated better than you were. I hope you’ll seek therapy if you can, it helps alot to realize what is normal and what is not, and to speak with someone who has so much experience with pwBPD. And I hope you keep posting on here. Of course his behavior hurts you, because it’s hurtful and abusive!
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drumdog4M
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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2022, 03:02:23 PM »

I too empathize with your feelings and strongly encourage you to seek therapy if you have ideas of suicide and self-harm. You are valuable and worthy of life and love. Please do not let his callous treatment of you, which is so common among many of us here, change your own narrative. You will heal and move beyond this pain with time and work. We are all here to give you the support we can.
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idk123
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« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2022, 10:41:05 PM »

I can't get therapy and I really have no support system right now. I have very bad OCD. I really miss him and I keep trying periodically to gently reach out, but he refuses to unblock me or respond. I'm really not doing well and I really need to speak with him. Does anyone have any advice for the best way to get him to just speak with me? I've emailed and messaged him, but he doesn't respond and blocks me. I found out he had covid recently and sent him some candy in the mail, he posted about it on Twitter and said he was grateful (and that he knew it was me), but he still won't talk to me at all
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Mack1

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« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2022, 12:35:20 AM »

I can't get therapy and I really have no support system right now. I have very bad OCD. I really miss him and I keep trying periodically to gently reach out, but he refuses to unblock me or respond. I'm really not doing well and I really need to speak with him. Does anyone have any advice for the best way to get him to just speak with me? I've emailed and messaged him, but he doesn't respond and blocks me. I found out he had covid recently and sent him some candy in the mail, he posted about it on Twitter and said he was grateful (and that he knew it was me), but he still won't talk to me at all
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Mack1

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« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2022, 12:40:30 AM »

Hey there.
I know you’re going through a horrible time-been once before and now again, but just tell yourself every time you reach out to him all you’re doing is giving him the dagger to stab you in the heart with if you don’t get the reply you want or nothing.
I honestly don’t care how their mind works but i do know that if you show no interest and keep up no contact, it creates a reaction that you don’t care, and by f##k it gets to them on some level; big egos remember.
So try your best to keep silent and don’t relent. Be stronger and hopefully you stop getting g the insatiable urge to contact.
Stay strong.
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idk123
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« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2022, 04:44:47 PM »


I stayed silent for two months before sending a Christmas card, and he still has not unblocked or reached out to me. We have no mutual friends so its very out of sight out of mind. I ran into him at a subway station on Valentines Day, he waved. I walked away without saying anything but went back and gave him a poem I'd been carrying in my pocket. He seems to have liked it, he posted a photo of it to his Instagram immediately, but again, won't unblock me or say anything. I had another friend with BPD who went behind my back and messaged this friend and told him a bunch of lies and made everything so much worse.
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Mack1

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« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2022, 09:56:50 PM »


I stayed silent for two months before sending a Christmas card, and he still has not unblocked or reached out to me. We have no mutual friends so its very out of sight out of mind. I ran into him at a subway station on Valentines Day, he waved. I walked away without saying anything but went back and gave him a poem I'd been carrying in my pocket. He seems to have liked it, he posted a photo of it to his Instagram immediately, but again, won't unblock me or say anything. I had another friend with BPD who went behind my back and messaged this friend and told him a bunch of lies and made everything so much worse.
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Mack1

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« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2022, 10:12:09 PM »

Nobody will ever criticise you for having these feelings and wanting so bad for it to work out.
The most difficult part-and one that has taken me over two decades to understand, is THEY don’t ‘feel’ like us.
If you imaging their life like a movie, they are the star and while you were convinced you were the co-star, you weren’t, you were a bit-part for however long they took to suck you dry then their off, looking for the next person who’ll give them the ‘star’ treatment for a while.
Trust me, it’s the biggest kick in the guts you’ll ever get, but you will return to your best self and be stronger for the experience.
The hardest part is turning the love you had in to hate at how dare anyone treat you like that, as you, being a person with normal feeling wouldn’t do that
That day will come. Until then, every minute, every hour and every day you resist the urge for contact, you’re closer to getting back to your best.
Stay strong and tell yourself everyday. ‘It’s their loss, not mine.’
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idk123
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« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2022, 01:58:05 AM »

Nobody will ever criticise you for having these feelings and wanting so bad for it to work out.
The most difficult part-and one that has taken me over two decades to understand, is THEY don’t ‘feel’ like us.
If you imaging their life like a movie, they are the star and while you were convinced you were the co-star, you weren’t, you were a bit-part for however long they took to suck you dry then their off, looking for the next person who’ll give them the ‘star’ treatment for a while.
Trust me, it’s the biggest kick in the guts you’ll ever get, but you will return to your best self and be stronger for the experience.
The hardest part is turning the love you had in to hate at how dare anyone treat you like that, as you, being a person with normal feeling wouldn’t do that
That day will come. Until then, every minute, every hour and every day you resist the urge for contact, you’re closer to getting back to your best.
Stay strong and tell yourself everyday. ‘It’s their loss, not mine.’

I didn't feel like the co-star, he never idealized me or any of the typical BPD pattern I read about. I knew he had BPD from the very beginning, and he knew I had OCD. He knew my illness was actually much more severe than his and that I was just beginning to regain functionality. I have virtually no support system, and had just dealt with a series of horrible events involving a falling out with my family, a sexual assault, developing contamination OCD that got so bad I was straight up ingesting bleach, and then my partner of 5 years ghosted out of our relationship. His family had money and just bought him a new apartment and car and he left all his stuff in our apartment and didn't tell me what was going on. When I contacted him, had me falsely charged with assault. This guy knew all of this, knew what I'd been through with my ex, and he abandoned me after I just started to recover from all of that. I can't handle it. I don't want no contact, I NEED to speak to him.
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Mack1

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« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2022, 02:42:22 AM »

I’m truly sorry for all the stuff you’ve been through but try to remember that this rat, I won’t even call him a man, saw you go through all this and still behaves like that.
You deserve much more and he deserves a slap.
I honestly wish more women on her had brothers who didn’t take kindly to decent human being being treated this way.
Common decency is severely lacking in their brains and unfortunately we don’t get it. To have you charged shows the weakness and cowardness of the man.
Whatever happens I wish you all the best in your recovery.
It’s the least you deserve.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2022, 01:09:04 PM »

Hey there, hope you're doing okay today. I feel for you, my friend. I also have some pretty bad OCD, BPD relationships are addictive to begin with, and OCD makes it so much worse when they just cut you out like mine did. Mine also threatened police activity, blocked me, refused to talk to me for months. All I could think about was her, I couldn't sleep, eat properly, anything. I was a mess.

Then, out of the blue, she called me 4 times in 1 hour just to see "how I was doing." I thought it would help to hear from her, but it just triggered the PTSD SHE gave me. When you do hear from him, remember not to trust him, and remember what you're really talking to is the BPD.

All I can say is, learn as much as you can about BPD. Read the boards on here. It's not just you. He's not special. He's just another BPD rat, like Mack1 says. He doesn't care about you, doesn't love you. He won't give you closure. I know that hurts to hear.

Are there free suicide counseling hotlines/services in your area? I know you said you don't have easy access to therapy, but try to find whatever you can, and keep posting on here.

If you are a person of faith, pray and study your religion. Exercise. Eat some healthy food you enjoy. Be outside as much as you can and do things that you feel confident in, for example I worked ALOT because I am good at my job, maybe not the healthiest but it got my mind off her and I felt "safe" there because my work is more important than her temporary "crises." Take some deep breaths. Try to be around animals, who love unconditionally, consider adopting a pet.

You are going through a withdrawal. Expect pain and hurt, but it's the only way to get the toxin out of your system. He is quite literally a drug, learning about how these relationships are addictions helped me a lot. Also, my OCD is worse when I'm stressed and she stressed me out more than anything ever, but I feel you. Have compassion on yourself. Don't expect perfection. You deserve better and will have it, once the poison that is BPD abuse (and he is ABUSING you, even now by refusing closure) is out of your system.

It will get better, and you are worthy of true love, just don't give up. We all care about and are here for you.
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idk123
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« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2022, 09:11:13 PM »

I already know A LOT about BPD, and his BPD specifically. If anything, that's made it much worse, I don't get to have the epiphany moment. I knew he had it, and I could handle it. When he was grouchy, I didn't react and it didn't bother me. But, the not talking and no contact is killing me because I have no support system and a bunch of other factors. Also, I was never his favorite person or idealized really. It seems a lot more like we just slowly fell for each other over time, but he isn't used to anything that isn't that instant idealization they do, so he ran and is hiding.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2022, 10:20:31 PM »

I already know A LOT about BPD, and his BPD specifically. If anything, that's made it much worse, I don't get to have the epiphany moment. I knew he had it, and I could handle it. When he was grouchy, I didn't react and it didn't bother me. But, the not talking and no contact is killing me because I have no support system and a bunch of other factors. Also, I was never his favorite person or idealized really. It seems a lot more like we just slowly fell for each other over time, but he isn't used to anything that isn't that instant idealization they do, so he ran and is hiding.

Yeah, what he is doing is abuse, plain and simple emotional abuse intended to make you suffer, in my opinion. Do you have anyone around you can talk to who will listen? I know you said you don't have a lot of support but anyone will do at this point.

Don't blame yourself, NO ONE could have made it work with him long term. He will leave you for not being impulsive/falling and then leave the next person for falling too fast and triggering his fear of engulfment. Nothing will ever work without years of therapy for him. I know you already know that but it bears repeating.

Have you done research on trauma bonds and how to break them?

I apologize if this isn't helpful. I'm new to this myself, to be honest, just know that you deserve more and will have better days ahead. He doesn't deserve any more rent free space in your brain. Easier said than done, I know.
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idk123
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« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2022, 12:38:55 AM »

I've lost a lot of weight and I can't eat or sleep. It's been months and I'm getting worse. I want to ask him to just talk to me at this point because I'm not okay and it's starting to worry me and everyone else.
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finallyout
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« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2022, 04:29:22 AM »

I've lost a lot of weight and I can't eat or sleep. It's been months and I'm getting worse. I want to ask him to just talk to me at this point because I'm not okay and it's starting to worry me and everyone else.

I am sorry that you are going through this. My heart goes out to you.

It sucks to go through all of this alone, without therapy or a support system. But you have us here on this board. Maybe mentioning more details about what happened between both of you and how the relationship came to an end, could help you come to terms with it. Maybe this could relieve some of the pain you are feeling right now. Reaching out to him most probably won't help. The detachment process is about you and how you handle your emotions. It is also about understanding the role both of you played in the relationship. 

Hang in there my friend, it will get better with time. I am sure.
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idk123
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« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2022, 07:38:01 AM »

I do not want to detach. I am not aiming for that, it's too painful.
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NotAHero
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« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2022, 10:56:00 AM »

I do not want to detach. I am not aiming for that, it's too painful.

 It does hurt but when it’s the best option what can we do ? You will not feel the hurt forever. It will get better. Try to start preparing for it mentally and give it time. May of us here have been there …
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idk123
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« Reply #23 on: April 20, 2022, 01:31:11 AM »

He was literally the only good thing in my life after a bunch of traumatic situations got dumped on me. He didn't know how mentally ill I was with my OCD and how hard it was for me to care for someone again. I stupidly hid from him how badly I had been doing before he came along. I don't have the motivation or desire to get better now, I like used up the last of my optimism about life in general on our friendship and now I'm just absolutely miserable. I have not slept in 42 hours, I can't eat. I have put all my sharp objects on my balcony and barricaded the door because I'm having horrible thoughts of selfharm.
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idk123
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« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2022, 01:35:57 AM »

I'm sorry for the depressing and desperate posts, but I have no support system really, it's the middle of the night where I am, and I have PTSD from a previous involuntary confinement in a psyche ward. Going to a hospital makes me panic and worsens my OCD symptoms. I just don't know what to do because the manner that he discarded me has triggered my OCD to become obsessed with him and the situation. It feels like mental torture. I was raped and my ocd turned into a severe contamination phobia from it, he was the first person I felt comfortable touching, and the only person I have slept with in almost three years.
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DazzleD

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« Reply #25 on: April 20, 2022, 08:27:16 AM »

Don’t ever apologise for reaching out. It’s the one thing I didn’t do and can still struggle to do and I ended up in that place where I took an overdose and nearly succeeded in topping myself. This was pretty recent too after what I think is the final discard from my exgbpd. Keep reaching out you are doing the right thing posting on here and engaging with the support. I’m yet to find the strength to post about my experience with my ex so sit in the shadows on here but reading your posts makes me feel less alone with the trauma and heartbreak I am going through. Stay strong
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drumdog4M
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« Reply #26 on: April 20, 2022, 08:41:48 AM »

DazzleD & idk123,

You certainly are not alone, and please do not feel that expressing your pain is a burden on any of us. We are here for you when you are ready to post your story, or even just express feelings without getting into recounting the painful events.

I too am struggling with my discard and the aftermath of it. Reading others' experiences here has made me feel validated and much less alone (though it is still a long and rough journey to finding myself again). My small circle of friends just don't understand what I'm going through and are sick of my talking about it and grieving.

Posting here helps too, as I can express my experiences and feelings to a community of survivors who understand and empathize.

Go at your own pace. We are here for you. Please hang in there.
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idk123
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« Reply #27 on: April 20, 2022, 09:45:21 AM »

I'm glad its helping other people feel okay expressing their own feelings of desperation. I hope you're okay.

I just found out he's dating someone new and they had some sort of fight, but are back together I guess and he's all happy and I just feel so miserable and miss him so much. I want so badly to just know that I meant something to him. He never actually dated me, it was like I wasn't good enough and it's tying into the stupid intrusive OCD thoughts that tell me I am "tainted" and "dirty" after the assault and that's why he didn't want to actually be with me in a real relationship.
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WhatToDo47
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 465



« Reply #28 on: April 22, 2022, 10:26:20 PM »

Hang in there all of you and sorry I haven't been posting here as much, I have been very busy. But please keep posting and sharing. We all care about you. You ARE enough and it's not your fault what happened to you. Just know that he's not happy, even if he appears so. Happy people don't act the way pwBPD do. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself. As someone with OCD myself, who was cruelly discarded by a pwBPD and find it so hard not to ruminate about them, I find the best thing to do is just stay busy however I can. Go for a walk, post of here, read hundreds of other posts, listen to music. Literally anything to get your mind off it for a second. Find something, however small, to look forward to in the future. Spend time in nature or around animals. I know you will get through this and have better days ahead! We all care about you and are rooting for you!
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idk123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: Discarded
Posts: 53


« Reply #29 on: April 23, 2022, 01:59:34 AM »

Thanks for the encouragement. I cracked and I went on stupid TextNow and sent him a message asking him to please speak with me.
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