How and why did I go back

[Andy1963]

Thankyou so much ducks
I really do want to heal and move away from this and I will read this article
I recognise the similarities between BPD and Narcissism
She displays all if the traits and is actually much more unwell now than when we first met
I have just received a message her asking to see me today, I feel like my head will explode
I know her other person was with her this weekend but he is flying home today so essentially she is wanting to meet me as soon as he leaves
Its completely crazy
We were in a relationship right up until she met him  i was dumped,  ignored for months and now all of a sudden she wants to see me again
As much as I understand BPD and recycling it still doesn't make any sense to me
Why not just focus on him?
When she sent the message she said where to meet but said don't reply
So clearly he has no idea
They are truly very mentally ill people

[babyducks]

I have just received a message her asking to see me today, I feel like my head will explode

I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the physical symptom you are describing -  your head exploding.   is a physical manifestation of the abuse, trauma and interpersonal violence you have experienced.    it's not an accident that you feel the way you do.  it's also not a sign of weakness.

Why not just focus on him?

because it's not about him.    any more than it was about you.   it's about accumulating as much ~~stuff~~ as she possible can.    How much love and attention can she grab, get, steal, coax or manipulate.     perhaps it will help to think of it this way,   she gets her emotional high from relationship drama and she is always always always in search of the next 'high'.     it really doesn't matter to her if it is with you.  or with him.   or someone else she hasn't met yet.   she wants those endorphins to flow,  the feeling of intoxicating infatuation, the safety of being 'in love'.    like an addict,  she doesn't care how she gets it.

the feelings are what she craves, and she will use anyone to get that feeling.  very much like an addict.

[Andy1963]

I met her
She told me she loves me and apologised for hurting me, and that she never wants to hurt me ever again
She has asked that we communicate but there's no reconciliation
I got a real sense that she recognises how severe her illness is and that in some way is trying to protect me from it, she apologised so many times
I didnt mention therapy , maybe I should have, but its clear she is getting more and more unwell
She said she wished I could meet someone lovely, and forget all about her
It was so strange and completely unexpected
It was actually quite cathartic

[Andy1963]

Ok, I'm now seriously concerned for her
She called me several times last night saying she is worried that I will contact her new person and tell him we met
I told her repeatedly I have no intention of doing that
She started to cry and get very upset, saying she wants to meet me again to discuss this
Then she hung up on me mid conversation sobbing very badly
I have been saying for some time that she is getting more and more unwell
I know I need to walk away, but this is someone I care deeply for, how can I just walk away when she is so terribly ill
Just no idea what to do

[babyducks]

I'm really not sure what else I could say that might be helpful to you Andy.
How did you think this meetup was going to go?   were you really expecting it to be drama free?    especially since the last time she was also pretty dysregulated?

I guess I would suggest that if you are determined to have some type of relationship with her that you move to the bettering board and work with those members.     perhaps with coaching there you can find ways to interact that is less damaging to both of you.

[Couscous]

How Do I Even Know If I Am Codependent?

What follows is a list of characteristics that codependents often exhibit. You may be codependent if three or more of these fit your personality.

You feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, and well-being.

It is easier for you to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you.

You feel best and most comfortable when you are giving to others.

You feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you.

You feel compelled to help people solve their problems.

You lose interest in your own life when you are involved with someone.

You are often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems.

You stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you.

You can leave bad relationships only to form new ones that turn out just as bad.

You feel empty, bored and worthless if you don’t have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with.

You often have trouble identifying what you are feeling.

You often get upset when someone refuses your help.

[Andy1963]

I have no doubt that I'm codependant
I put every ounce of me into the relationship and got so little back
I feel a bucket of salt has been poured on my would
I'm hurting badly as she has split again and completely devalued me again
I actually feel like I'm going to combust

[Andy1963]

But I've nobody to blame but myself
I should have stayed away and ignored her messages

[Couscous]

Being responsible for something isn’t the same thing as being to blame. Mistakes are always opportunities for growth. Self-judgement isn’t helpful and personally I have noticed that it’s easier for me to shame judge myself than it is to endure feelings of heartbreak and loss, as well as feelings of powerlessness over another person’s unloving behavior.

Checking out some Codependents Anonymous meetings is an option you might like to explore. You could also take steps to ensure that she is unable to contact you again, by blocking her phone number, etc. Good luck!

[Andy1963]

Taken a few days off here to try to sort my head
Bottom line is this, she is in a state of chaos right now
I've known her 5 years and she is much more unwell than she ever has been before
She devalued me very badly on Monday, screaming at me and saying all sorts of horrible things
Then next day reached out, almost as if nothing has happened asking for me to help her
She realises she is ill
Her current person will be off the scene soon I'm certain, she's already started that process
But regardless,  I have agreed to stay in her life as a friend,  I know its going to be tricky, i do not and will not initiate communication but I will respond
I have no idea what the future holds,  I am continuing my efforts to heal, even though that sounds strange with her still being in the arena
But I couldn't live with myself if she did something silly, and there's a high probability that could happen
I so appreciate this site and the guidance so far
I still intend to work on getting through this

[Turkish]

Andy1963,

If you're choosing to stay in her life, I would post on the Bettering Board and look at the lessons there. Top level articles can be found at the top of the site under the Tips pull down menu.

Best of luck.