How and why did I go back

[Andy1963]

Hi
Some of you may remember me
I posted for several months during the latter part of 2020
I was in the break up spell after 2 years with my bpd girlfriend
Guess what, after almost 5 months she communicate with me and I fell hook line and sinker
Since then my world has been turned upside down
Needless to say, 3 weeks ago she did exactly the same thing as she had done previously and now I'm left a mess all over again,  why why why do they do this?

[Rev]

Hi Andy,

Welcome  back ?   Don't beat yourself up too much. Many of us go back (I did three times) - each time knowing that the chances of it working was less than the time before.

Each time it got worse.

Why do they do this?  Is that question rhetorical, or are you looking for an answer.

What do you think?

Rev

[Calli]

Hi Andy ,
I’m so sorry this happened and for this current struggle of yours. I know it’s hurting and there are all these different feelings about it all mixed in as well.

Oh my goodness, if I had a penny for every time we all have been through a recycling, I’d have more money than that Elon Musketeer guy ;).    First of all, please be gentle with yourself about this  - these relationships are addictive. They truly are.  This is another step in the recovery process, and you’re more savvy now with this stage.  You know it is difficult, but you also know that it gets easier in so many ways, little by little.   For one, not being on the emotional rollercoaster will be a welcome change.  Not having to worry about any little thing that you do or say could be taken the wrong way - always walking on eggshells- you won’t have to feel that anymore.  The inner mental peace that brings is so worth getting through this part.  

As time continues,  your mix of feelings will shift and the calmness will come back to you.  The reminder that there is life beyond her and the relationship - there really is - you’ll remember and you’ll find yourself enjoying little things more and more - it will sneak in amongst the pain.  When you spot those moments, recognize them and give yourself a pat on the back and acknowledge that you felt something good there.  

I am not a seasoned pro here by any means, so I know others will chime in soon and give amazing advice.  Sorry I don’t have much more at the moment, but I wanted to at least express these things to you now, and to also say, we understand. So many of us have been there before, especially me included.  (Lord knows I still have the most la la land daydreams that somehow he’ll return, things will be totally different and better and … Hahah! But now it’s softer in my mind.  In the background.  The hope is a wistful, dream - like how I’d love a unicorn but I know it isn’t possible.).   I’m thankful for all the progress I’ve made, with much gratitude to the lovely folks here on this site.   I’m sending you support and positive wishes too.   And I thank you for posting this, it really resonates with me.

[csquare319]

https://youtu.be/V5kgGDPicgI

This video might have the answer. The reason that they keep coming back is because we keep allowing them to.

Best of luck.

[Andy1963]

Thank you all for your kind and considered replies
Calli,your line regarding watching everything I say and walking on eggshells is so completely accurate
I remember sitting with her, quietly,  watching TV having a few drinks having had a lovely meal and everything seeming perfect,  then boom, she would suddenly announce we needed to split up as she needed to leave me
Bizarre behaviour but very familiar territory for me
I learnt,  or disciplined myself to not rise to it but reassure her and calm her down
So many ordinary every day activities could all of a sudden escalate into chaos and drama for absolutely no reason
I often dreaded days out with her, as I needed to steel myself for the regular glitches and outbursts
No way to live I know,  but in those quiet tender moments she was the most beautiful girl in the world
Right now there is virtually no communication,  I believed last time we split which was for nearly 5 months that it was definitely over yet we got back to a full on relationship,  so believing that she won't try to rekindle would be naive
But as much as I miss her and love her I know its a terrible relationship for me, plus my sister and my eldest son have made it absolutely clear they will never forgive her for what she has done this time

[Andy1963]

I know that she is completely destructive for me
The way we ended this time was cruel and I will never understand it
We had been planning a night out for weeks,  it was actually her suggestion so I put plans in place for us to go for dinner and drinks etc and was really looking forward to it
But a few days before she seemed distant,  I can always tell when she's not connected to me and it was palpable
As the day drew near she started to say she was unwell, on the morning of our date she said she was too ill to go, she perpeturated this throughout the day
But something didn't ring true
That evening she stopped communicating with me, wouldn't reply to messages etc
Long story short, she was with someone else, on a night out, stayed the night in a hotel with him
I discovered the truth the next day when I went to see where she was and saw them together having breakfast at the hotel
I actually felt my that my head was going to explode
No explanation,  no remorse, she now seems to be full on with him, after 4 years I'm nothing,  yet 4 weeks ago she was telling me how in love with me she was
Devastating doesn't begin to explain how I feel...

[NotAHero]

I know that she is completely destructive for me
The way we ended this time was cruel and I will never understand it
We had been planning a night out for weeks,  it was actually her suggestion so I put plans in place for us to go for dinner and drinks etc and was really looking forward to it
But a few days before she seemed distant,  I can always tell when she's not connected to me and it was palpable
As the day drew near she started to say she was unwell, on the morning of our date she said she was too ill to go, she perpeturated this throughout the day
But something didn't ring true
That evening she stopped communicating with me, wouldn't reply to messages etc
Long story short, she was with someone else, on a night out, stayed the night in a hotel with him
I discovered the truth the next day when I went to see where she was and saw them together having breakfast at the hotel
I actually felt my that my head was going to explode
No explanation,  no remorse, she now seems to be full on with him, after 4 years I'm nothing,  yet 4 weeks ago she was telling me how in love with me she was
Devastating doesn't begin to explain how I feel...

 That’s awful I’m sorry it happened to you.

 It is consistent with other stories you will read here. Every recycle they get worse not better. If they did the discard once with a replacement, it is safe to expect they will do it again. At least now you know for sure.

 Your best bet would be to start your own healing and moving on journey. It is one of the worst emotional experiences but it is the best ( I would argue the right ) thing to do.

[Turkish]

Andy1963,

I'm so sorry. That's cruel beyond belief.

Your sister and son told you what they feel. How do you feel about that?

[Andy1963]

I understand that they are worried and concerned for me, they have been there for me through all of this
I worry that I still can't get perspective on all of this
Im still really struggling to come to terms with what happened
As messed up as she is, the cruelty of her actions have completely destroyed me
Im a complete wreck...

[Rev]

If you were to imagine rebuilding yourself like rebuilding an object - like a house or a car - where would be the most logical place to start do you think?

Rev

[Go3737]

The wonderful thing about deal breakers is that once you experience it, you are done...
I'd say that you planning a very special night during a delicate time in your relationship and then...

Long story short, she was with someone else, on a night out, stayed the night in a hotel with him

Is a deal breaker of the highest magnitude.
Perhaps consider it is time to move on and suffer through the Trauma Bond till you are on the other side?

[Andy1963]

I know is is a deal breaker
But I'm just hurting like hell, cannot understand it, despite her BPD I never imagined she would be so completely cruel
Its like she has transformed into someone I don't even recognise
Just want the pain to go away

[Andy1963]

And I recognise that I'm Trauma bonded, I miss her yet I know its totally futile and thst there can never be a future
How could I ever trust anything she says ever again?

[Go3737]

How could I ever trust anything she says ever again?

You can't.
But you want to.
I get it since I am in a similar boat.
We've been separated for 7 weeks after she blew up at me and I walked out after 38 years.
My main issue has been her drinking which sets off the rages.
Our plan is to try again in a few weeks. She promised no drinking this time however I know (through snooping) she is going out this weekend to drink with our son's mother. I cant say anything cause I'd blow my cover of how I know and we are not together yet, and it is going to be a bonding experience for the two grandmas. The justifications for me turning my eyes away are many, yet it pisses me off that she is not embracing sobriety before we reunite.
Lies... it kills relationships cold. Yet the Trauma Bond is so strong I will rug sweep this one incident... but my bag is packed and I'm ready to go if/when she falls back to her old patterns of getting wasted and raging when we are back together again.
In my head I know I should just bail, but my heart says give it one more try.

[Hopeful81]

They come back because while away from us, rational thinking takes over and they realize we were not so bad after all.

When they return, emotions start to reign. Soon they want to escape again and make it permanent this time.

Since we did not hate them enough after their previous bridge burning exercise, they do something much worse than before to ruin the relationship once and for all.

The Depp vs Heard story shows what that ultimately can lead to, or worse.

[brighter future]

Andy,

You may remember me from when you were here the last time roughly a year and a half ago. I've often wondered how you were doing in addition to many others that were here during that period of time. Some are still around and some are not.  I am not here as often as I used to be, but I still check in from time to time.  I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting and that you were treated so poorly again. These relationships sure take their toll on everyone don't they?

I honestly believe if you take some time to yourself to heal from all of this, it will allow you to see things for what they really are. Stepping outside of the relationship and going no contact will give you an entirely different perspective. NC is very painful at first, but I feel it is the best practice if you truly want to move on and desire better for yourself.

My ex discarded me out of the blue in April 2020 with some very cruel words and immediately went to someone else . This was someone that told me how much they loved me and wanted to be with me more than anything just days prior to the discard.  At the advice of my therapist, family, and friends I went full NO contact with her at the middle of May 2020, roughly one month after the split. During the next several months and into early 2021, I began to see the relationship for what it was: an unhealthy codependent mess. I also came to the realization that if she truly loved me in the way that she said she did in a healthy way, she wouldn't have done the things that she did at the end of the relationship. Additionally, I realized that it was unlikely things would ever change with her since she was unwilling to face her issues and get psychiatric help. So, I let go of her bit by bit and worked on changing the only thing I have the power to change, which is myself. I've heard from her and have seen her several times in the last two years. I will acknowledge her when I have to, but I just keep it very simple and matter of fact. She knows that I'm seeing someone else now, and it seems like the contact has lessened over the last several months.

Take care of yourself, my friend. Best wishes and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Andy1963]

Yes Brighter Future,  I do remember you
I remember being fully engaged with the process and was making significant progress despite not going NC
I guess that was my ultimate downfall
Because I truly believed at the time that we were finished for good, I could see no way back as she had got engaged to the new guy 3 weeks after we split, so I truly thought she had gone for good
I looked back on my posts from back then and I remember feeling ready to move on from her
Then boom,suddenly she asks to meet me, I do and the next 18 months became the rollercoaster again
We were only back together a few months when I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly
That obviously devastated me, and although she was supportive during the illness and subsequent death, I often felt that she did so because she thought she should not because she truly felt my pain
A few months later she left me because,  in her words,I was grieving too much
She was gone for a few weeks, tbh right then I didnt care as I was still in the midst of grief
But then she came back and we tried again, although it became the same pattern, glitches, splitting and continuous periods of silence and non communication
But this year was different,  ironically I felt that the month or so before she did what she did, had been out best period for quite a while
Thats probably why it has effected me so badly
I actually thought we were going well and there was a lot of passion and what I believed was a strong connection
But then...boom...out of the blue . I'm history...

[Calli]

Andy,

How incredibly heartbreaking and devastating.  I am so sorry that she did that.  You did not deserve any of it.  None of us deserve the pain and turmoil these people bring into our lives.  Especially when they do it by choice.  How sinister and completely selfish.  It makes total sense that you’re devastated, and shell shocked now.  I would guess (because when it happened to me when my ex discarded me for the last time) swinging between intense anger and back to devastating lows.  Upheaval like you have never felt before (that’s how it felt to me).   The rollercoaster I was on - for two years - with my ex - the silent treatments especially - all of it.  It’s no way to treat another human being, especially not someone they supposedly love.   I couldn’t live like that anymore.  I don’t deserve that. 

Some things I found very helpful in the beginning:   As Guy Winch says in his book, “Getting over a Broken Heart” - it helped me a lot to make a (huge comprehensive) list of all of the things I knew were wrong about my ex for me; all the things he did and said, every single detail - his bad habits, the things he yelled at me, the cutting comments, the big things and the little things I  ignored or swept under the rug.  Every single thing, as soon as it popped into my head.  I then went back to this list and reread it every time my mind started to paint a fantasy again about my ex, and how much I missed him, whenever I felt like I’d lost the true love of my life.   It helped ground me back to reality, pretty fast. 

The next thing, I’m working on still, is my self esteem.  It is clear to me that my very low self esteem (at times) was one of the reasons I put up with him and stayed in that relationship.  Making positive affirmations and self- care and positive reinforcement have been really helping.  Below is a list I keep on my phone (next to the ex-bfwBPd’s “sh*t list” if you will) because it reminds me of what I do deserve. 

Again, thank you for sharing and talking about these things. 
************
I am Enough
I deserve to feel respected as a person.
I deserve to get my physical and emotional needs met
I deserve to be appreciated and not taken advantage of.
I deserve to communicate effectively with my partner
I deserve to have my privacy respected
I deserve to not constantly fight for control
I deserve to feel good about myself and my relationship
I deserve a partnership in which we trust, validate, respect, and support eachother
I deserve to grow within and outside of the relationship
I deserve to have my own opinions and thoughts
I deserve the choice to either stay in or leave the relationship
I deserve a life of freedom and abundance
I create the life I desire
My body is getting stronger and healthier every day
I am loved, loving, and lovable
I am not my thoughts, my feelings are like clouds
What I am feeling in a moment is not permanent, and it will pass.
(The list is from what googled together for myself, btw)

[Calli]

Sorry, the correct title is “How to Fix a Broken Heart” I believe.

[Andy1963]

Thank-you so much for that Calli, I'm experiencing all the feelings at the moment
Non of it seems real yet I know it is
Even just the small things like our messages and conversations throughout the day
We would share so much
Yet because of the lies I now question everything
Right now for me, nothing seems like it was real, it was for me , but it was all a big lie
That's what hurts more than anything,
Right now, I am just a complete mess
Pining for her,which makes me angry, crying at the slightest thing
I was looking on my phone for a pic that my son had asked me for,  and of course I came across endless photos of her and us
Just want the pain to stop...

[SinisterComplex]

Thank-you so much for that Calli, I'm experiencing all the feelings at the moment
Non of it seems real yet I know it is
Even just the small things like our messages and conversations throughout the day
We would share so much
Yet because of the lies I now question everything
Right now for me, nothing seems like it was real, it was for me , but it was all a big lie
That's what hurts more than anything,
Right now, I am just a complete mess
Pining for her,which makes me angry, crying at the slightest thing
I was looking on my phone for a pic that my son had asked me for,  and of course I came across endless photos of her and us
Just want the pain to stop...

Andy, you need to truly be kind to yourself here and take care of YOU. The pain will stop in time, but you know there is no magic wand to make it go away. You have to try to be realistic with yourself...you are hurt and it is ok if it takes a while because you are on no one's timeline but your own. Remember that...don't let others dictate a timeline for you or make you to feel you have to just get over it. There is no just getting over this! That is why I say be kind to YOU.

Now something I will drive home here as I have many times on the board here...try to train yourself to think and feel that it is better to be respected than liked. Why do I say that? To help you learn to get over people pleasing habits which lead to you getting hurt by others. Remember if you try to please everyone you will effectively please NO ONE! Look at the pain you are in and look at the mental anguish you are not only feeling, but displaying. Start telling yourself this is not going to happen again. This is a prime learning experience for you now. You do not want to experience this again. So, make changes...it won't be easy, but in time if you train yourself and practice it will become habit and will then seem natural. You won't be "trying" you will just be DOING.

Keep your head up. You are going to be better and you will do better. Believe in that and make it so!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Andy1963]

Thankyou SC
I know completely that I have to focus on me, I also know from the last time we split that the pain will ease
I'm trying to keep busy, my job is very demanding so that helps
I'm not as disciplined as I need to be though,  I took a walk down by the shore last night, it is a walk we would have done regularly,  I know I shouldn't have done it as it made me incredibly sad
Im ruminating a lot which I also know isn't helping me
So I'm going to have to be more disciplined and avoid things like that

[Calli]

I know that pain very well.  I know it hurts so much.  And that thought, the fear that it was all a lie, did any of it matter to them? Did they care?  One of my first posts here I was desperate in pain - I felt those thoughts and pain swirling through and I couldn’t let go.  I think it was Once Removed who replied to me then - actually felt like someone had reached out and caught my hand just as I was going under the waves.  He replied that it did happen, my ex was there, I was there, it was real.  It doesn’t help any of our grief to be questioning what they were lying about.  What we do know is what happened to us.  How we felt. And how we were authentic; this pain is authentic.  That is real.  But it’s true that my ex and I were on different pages. ( Different books entirely, turns out). I knew that, and I know that, and it was time to move forward.  And as I go through the grieving process, every day that passes it gets easier.  Every minute I get better.  And now, I don’t see those photos, or rehash our conversations or love,   I’m in a new relationship and it’s EASY.  Imagine that!  Eye opening.  There is light ahead, Andy.  Today, make a note of any tiny improvement from yesterday. Maybe you were able to hold off a bit longer from ruminating than you did yesterday.  That’s great. Be gentle and praise yourself for every baby step.  It’s going to get better.   

[Calli]

I think also, part of why these doubts crop up about - was it even real to them?  Is because our brains just cannot understand how someone can go from singing our praises, telling us we are the loves of their lives in one minute - and in the next, just drop us.  And without explanation.  Sometimes just in a moment.  It makes no rational sense.  The only way our (neurotypical) brains can make an ounce of sense is if we conclude they never cared at all - they just faked and it was all a lie.    But that is forgetting one major thing:  BPD sufferer’s brains are not neurotypical at all.  I’m no BPD expert, but from what I’ve read - they are very much in the moment with things;  much more short-term (they lack object constancy).  I believe they truly do feel what they say they feel in these intense moments.   It’s true and not false to them.  But at the same token, they can jump ship without a care -  cut loose to save themselves at a moments notice, or when something else has caught their attention.  So much like a toddler, right?  Interrupted brain development as they grew.   I think I read many have had abusive childhoods.  Probably requiring them to adapt at a moments notice to the precarious mood of their caregiver for their own survival.   

What I’m trying to say is - logic simply does not apply to your ex’s case when trying to figure out her motives or beliefs in all of the happenings.  And it’s not worth the effort to figure out the thought process either - because they change it, like a chameleon.  At a moments notice.   

[Andy1963]

Thankyou Calli, I have read so much on these last few weeks about the various elements that make up our BPD exes
Object constancy was something I have been getting an understanding of in the last few days
I know my rational brain will eventually kick in and make some sort of sense of all of this
But like you say, its difficult beyond belief right now
This dilemma in my head,  thinking at some point she might come to her senses and tell me its all a big mistake,  yet realising that's crazy thinking
Even if she did, how could I ever reconcile what she did at the end
I really never believed she could be so cruel
I have experienced her nasty side on many occasions but this is beyond anything I ever thought her capable of, especially as we were as close as we had been for quite a while in the weeks leading up to this
I know my focus must be on healing and that she can never be in my life again,
That thought in itself is quite frightening but I must accept it as reality ...

[Calli]

I hear you.  I know how it feels.  Now, I’m at the point where most days are good.  I will get a difficult day now and then, but I have such a great support network.  I know I will always love my ex.  Always.  Nothing I can do about it, so I accept it.  But of course I know, like you do about your ex, he is not right or healthy for me.  My heart did break, but it is healing and I know I have great people and things in my life to move forward with. 

How is your support network during this time? 

[Andy1963]

Well I have my children, I'm very close to my eldest son and my sister has been very supportive
However, they don't really understand BPD, my sister just says she's a horrible person who clearly didn't ever love me and refuses to accept the BPD as a reason
My son is very similar,  he hates her now and said he would really struggle if I ever let her into my life again
So they're there and they love me and are worried about me but BPD isn't on their radar, they just detest her now

[Andy1963]

Going through the whole gamut of emotions today
Anger, denial, resentment,  disbelief
But moreover extraordinary sadness and an acute sense of loss
We seemed to be in quite a connected place for many weeks leading up to this, our passion and level of communication was very strong, we told eachother that we were the loves of eachothers lives
We spoke and messaged a 100 times each day
How it can just disappear in a heartbeat is beyond belief
I know I will wake up from this nightmare at some point and begin to heal
But I actually feel like I'm suffering from PTSD, I'm literally struggling to get through each day

[Calli]

I’m glad you have your kids and sister.  It is hard for anyone to understand these types of relationships and breakup traumas if they haven’t known someone with BPD.   After I discovered this site, it was like a whole new world opened up to me - I wish I’d found it earlier - I had never known all of the nuances I’ve learned of this disorder.  I think it is entirely possible you could have a form of PTSD - what’s happened is shocking.  All of a sudden, this connection was severed in a traumatizing way, without warning.   These relationships with BPD sufferers are entrenched with trauma bonding, and what you may be experiencing is the severing of the trauma bond.  I don’t joke when I say it’s similar to an addict in withdrawal - the fix is no longer there.   I have learned that the loss of romantic love has some of the same effects on our brains as what happens when a drug addict is in withdrawal.   

One important part of my ability to recover from the loss has been by going to therapy regularly.  My therapist has been part of my support network along with my friends and family.  I am not sure if you’ve mentioned it yet,  are you seeing a mental health professional? - if not, I would recommend giving one a try.  If there’s ever a time to try it out, this is it.  Have you given that option a thought? 

[Andy1963]

I live in Northern Ireland,  the waiting list for therapy through the health service and privately is almost one year, I have tried to arrange it but it is proving impossible
I feel cast adrift and completely lost right now
I want to make sense of it but I can't
Because we were so connected prior to this I feel like I've been hit by a train
This chasm has opened and I cannot make sense of anything,  its frightening