Was it BPD?

[imstillhere89]

Hello to you all. Firstly I would like to apologise as this is going to be a long shot (I will try to make it simple). Also English isn't my native language but I hope you will understand what I mean.

My relationship with suspected BPD partner ended definitely 5 weeks ago. We did have so many break ups (I can't even count them all) but never such a long one.
We have been together almost 2 years. From the beginning there was so many red flags that I have ignored (I'm an empath trying to constantly save everyone but myself...)What are the main things that make me think he does have BPD:
-terrible jealousy without any reason. Even jealousy about my family members and my past! (He would never admit it is a jealousy, he would make a story around it to show me the reason for him being angry is not jealousy but something else - usually "worrying about me"
-wanting to be together all the time and doing everything together
-not wanting me to have much contact with people (I had to delete facebook when we met as there were constant questions about everyone and everything even a song that I shared or why somebody sent me a heart gif (it was my uncle)
-getting angry over everything even his imagination. Getting angry over silly things that I did or said, or not did or not said. Getting angry at the weather, at clients at work, at the driver on the road, cashier in the store etc but mostly at me..
-being verbally abusive. I have never heard such a terrible things from anyone in my life. Being called names, bringing up my past, hitting my weakest points, threats etc
-mood swing from "Life is beautiful" to being quiet and upset
-Seeing only black and white in life and people
-being very controlling about little aspects of my life from how much I smoke to what I eat; what I like to watch, what I think about certain things, where I work (in fact we did work together for few months because this was his dream to create a business with me, so I left my work hoping this will solve many problems, but being together 24 hours a day, as he wanted, wasn't any good for us
-expecting me to contact him all the time, even at work sending me lots of messages and calling me a lot
-blaming me for everything. Usually our argues look like that: he would get angry over something, I would try to talk and calm him down and actually understand why such a little thing is a reason to shout at me. He wouldn't stop if I tried to defend myself but he wouldn't stop when I was quiet either... in the end I would get angry too so he would call me really bad names and torture me verbally. Then we would stop talking or he was already packing his stuff and moving out blaming me for everything; saying he wouldn't call me like that if I didn't say or do what I did
-He was scared I am going to leave him. I even remember one situation where we have been arguing over a text messages and he would again treat me really badly and then blocked me everywhere (he used to do that a lot) just to after a short time tell me that he panicked because he saw, by the way I was texting, that I wanted to leave him.
-Very quickly after I met him he moved in to my house (he originally lived 3 hours away from me), promising that he will find something else to live at.
-We fell in love with each other very quickly
-Very quickly he started to talk about marriage and children and that he never felt like this about any other women as they weren't good enough to make such a serious plans with
-His family was very happy that he "finally found a great woman". In fact after one of our argues his mom told me "I wanted to thank you...you know what for".. I thought it's because I have given him another chance but now I think there is something more into this
-His friends said he wasn't lucky with girls before and they have never seen him as happy and in love as with me (which was bit weird to me, I just felt like they were hiding something, or maybe I got paranoid in all of this, I don't know)
-He demanded respect from everyone not really respecting others
-He thought that everything and everyone is against him, everybody wants to use him, they don't respect him, they think he is stupid etc
-He thought about himself as Alpha. This is why (I think) he never threated me with suicide (apart of one time when he said that if we won't be back together he would blow himself up in the air, which I treated more as a joke tbh), but very often when we were about to break up he would have "heart attack" (but when I called emergency he wouldn't even speak to them, didn't want help), asthma attacks, or in general "not feeling well"
-Few times when we were arguing in the car because he wasn't happy about something and he was shouting at me like crazy, he would drive like crazy too. I was scared for my life and wanted to get out of the car. He would then apologize saying how stupid it was etc.
-After one argue with me he said to his mom that he hurts everybody and it would be better if he didn't exist
-After one of the breakups he wanted me back (even tho he left me) and said that he will go to psychologist or psychiatrist because he knows what he does is bad
-He started seeing psychologist but from what I know he only admitted to get angry very quickly and this is what he wanted to work on. But when it got better with time he stopped the therapy.
-He would turn all our argues around saying "I didn't say that" or "This isn't what I meant" but also turning what I said upside down and also trying to put words in my mouth (which I would never use against him)
-He was seeking attention. He would interrupt my conversations, with mom, on the phone with something really stupid like a child "I am here! Look at me!" kind of thing...

There is probably much much more which I can't even remember now (I am still in a terrible state). But what was good in him was: he was very caring, very loving, he would give and buy anything for me (but if I didn't want it he was offended), he would look after me when I was poorly, he would push me to do something about my talents and to improve them, he would give all his attention to me and make everything about me, I was always the priority before his family, friends and work, he was helping a lot at home, he would tell me he will clean and I can go and have rest or do something for myself (which then he would use against me whilst arguing).

For the last few weeks of our relationship I was questioning my sanity and I didn't even know who I am anymore. I was scared to do something or say something that would make me angry. I was stressed even when he wasn't around. I was thinking to myself "how long is this gonna last, I want him to finally move out but I don't want to lose him, not yet, I'm not ready"
I think he has noticed change in my behaviour. And he was trying to be better, and he was. I mean there was not much swearing and he wouldn't call me bad names. But he was still getting angry over nothing and shout for no reason. And then there was a day that I came back from work wanting to clean the house as next day after work I was seeing my friend for a coffee. He then said he will do the cleaning as he is off the next day and he will cook dinner. Few hours later he asked me what to cook and I told him "I don't know, figure out something to cook, maybe something we would have for 2 days" (which was what we were doing anyway), he then got angry. Started to shout at me that he could not give a damn about cooking but do something for himself and I can't even tell him what to cook. He said he does most of the housework (which is not true) and that I don't even appreciate it (not true either as I was always telling his mom and my friends on front of him how much he helps and how much he cares!), then we went to the garden to smoke, I tried to calm him down but saying also that I don't agree he does more than me at home and that it really hurts me. Then he got crazy, said "PLEASE READ off you..." and thrown cigarette at me...I took glass with beer and poured over him (I am not proud of that, I didn't want it but something broke inside of me in that moment). We didn't talk anymore, he slept on the sofa. Next day I came from work to have a shower and go to see my friend. House was clean, dinner was done but he didn't even look at me. Didn't say hello, didn't apologize, didn't try to solve anything. I didn't do it either (because most of the time I had to apologize first even if it wasn't my fault). We didn't speak to each other all weekend. I was hoping he will just calm down, think about what happened and come to speak to me. He didn't. Sunday morning he says he found a flat so he will take his stuff. Tbh I was happy inside as this is what he promised long time ago. I thought this will help us with so many issues. I said Okay and then we just talked about some of the stuff at home he was taking etc. After all day of packing I have seen him making sandwiches so I said that he can have dinner I made but then he answered: "no thank you, I'm just taking sandwiches for my journey", so I asked bit confused how far is this flat and he gave me a name of the city he lived before...which is 3 hours away. I was shocked. I didn't say anything. I was just frozen. He said he wasn't able to take everything so he will be back one day. He left. Next day I messaged him saying I'm in shock, I thought he would move around here like we planned and we will sort this out and be together. But then the blame game started. I didn't really want to continue with blaming each other so I asked when he is coming to take his stuff (I was broken inside but very straight with him), he then saw me being cold and started to avoid the answer but he said that I could do something to talk to him, that he changed his life just like that, that he doesn't feel well etc. I said "this was your decision" then he said that I didn't protest and I let him go. And that he can't live with me cos I would never appreciate him. And then again he said that if I would do something that weekend instead of being quiet we could work it out ...I finished this conversation saying I want to go no contact after and that I will be blocking his number. He was surprise asking me why would you do that, we won't be talking about anything etc. He came day after to collect his stuff and we didn't speak or even look at each other (he supposed to leave before I came from work but obviously when I came back he was still packing). I went no contact. But there was something that bothered me a lot since beggining of our relationship and I found an evidence that he lied to me about something. I got really upset and angry so I have emailed him the screenshot of the evidence and I called him a liar and manipulator... he replied something about it and in the end "Why did you email me, what is your purpose in that" - really calm which is unusual ... but  I haven't replied anymore as I was in a terrible state. That was over a week ago.

I am so confused, I feel depressed. I ended up in therapy which doesn't help much. Therapist says there is nothing wrong with me. It is! If I was able to let someone treat me like this and holding to this for so long and now suffer so much when he left - there is clearly something wrong with me...

I think he didn't want to finish this... I think he wanted again show me he will leave hoping I will call him to come back, which I was usually doing day after he would move out with most of his stuff to his city (he even said in that last conversation that he learned already that I realize my mistakes with time - well usually I knew I was right but I was trying to understand him too and I used to apologize for everything just to make it work - big mistake!) But this time I didn't.. And I am kind of proud of that and I know he needs help and I know I would suffer more being with him... but I am devastated now. I miss him, I can't stop crying and thinking. I still love him. I feel like I need closure. Like after being blamed for so many things I didn't even do, I didn't have a chance to tell him how I feel and what he did. I have tried writing a letter without sending it to him but it is not the same. I want him to be aware. Because many times he was aware of his bad behaviour and he was able to apologize and make it up. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I lost my sanity. I feel like if he has BPD then somehow I got it from him (I started to feel like I have it now even though I never had such a behaviour and thinking like I do now). Please tell me what do you think about it all. What should I do with myself? Should I email him with everything I didn't have a chance to say? Should I tell him I think he has BPD? What if he hurts himself or what if he will hurt another woman? I am lost...

[SinisterComplex]

Hello to you all. Firstly I would like to apologise as this is going to be a long shot (I will try to make it simple). Also English isn't my native language but I hope you will understand what I mean.

My relationship with suspected BPD partner ended definitely 5 weeks ago. We did have so many break ups (I can't even count them all) but never such a long one.
We have been together almost 2 years. From the beginning there was so many red flags that I have ignored (I'm an empath trying to constantly save everyone but myself...)What are the main things that make me think he does have BPD:
-terrible jealousy without any reason. Even jealousy about my family members and my past! (He would never admit it is a jealousy, he would make a story around it to show me the reason for him being angry is not jealousy but something else - usually "worrying about me"
-wanting to be together all the time and doing everything together
-not wanting me to have much contact with people (I had to delete facebook when we met as there were constant questions about everyone and everything even a song that I shared or why somebody sent me a heart gif (it was my uncle)
-getting angry over everything even his imagination. Getting angry over silly things that I did or said, or not did or not said. Getting angry at the weather, at clients at work, at the driver on the road, cashier in the store etc but mostly at me..
-being verbally abusive. I have never heard such a terrible things from anyone in my life. Being called names, bringing up my past, hitting my weakest points, threats etc
-mood swing from "Life is beautiful" to being quiet and upset
-Seeing only black and white in life and people
-being very controlling about little aspects of my life from how much I smoke to what I eat; what I like to watch, what I think about certain things, where I work (in fact we did work together for few months because this was his dream to create a business with me, so I left my work hoping this will solve many problems, but being together 24 hours a day, as he wanted, wasn't any good for us
-expecting me to contact him all the time, even at work sending me lots of messages and calling me a lot
-blaming me for everything. Usually our argues look like that: he would get angry over something, I would try to talk and calm him down and actually understand why such a little thing is a reason to shout at me. He wouldn't stop if I tried to defend myself but he wouldn't stop when I was quiet either... in the end I would get angry too so he would call me really bad names and torture me verbally. Then we would stop talking or he was already packing his stuff and moving out blaming me for everything; saying he wouldn't call me like that if I didn't say or do what I did
-He was scared I am going to leave him. I even remember one situation where we have been arguing over a text messages and he would again treat me really badly and then blocked me everywhere (he used to do that a lot) just to after a short time tell me that he panicked because he saw, by the way I was texting, that I wanted to leave him.
-Very quickly after I met him he moved in to my house (he originally lived 3 hours away from me), promising that he will find something else to live at.
-We fell in love with each other very quickly
-Very quickly he started to talk about marriage and children and that he never felt like this about any other women as they weren't good enough to make such a serious plans with
-His family was very happy that he "finally found a great woman". In fact after one of our argues his mom told me "I wanted to thank you...you know what for".. I thought it's because I have given him another chance but now I think there is something more into this
-His friends said he wasn't lucky with girls before and they have never seen him as happy and in love as with me (which was bit weird to me, I just felt like they were hiding something, or maybe I got paranoid in all of this, I don't know)
-He demanded respect from everyone not really respecting others
-He thought that everything and everyone is against him, everybody wants to use him, they don't respect him, they think he is stupid etc
-He thought about himself as Alpha. This is why (I think) he never threated me with suicide (apart of one time when he said that if we won't be back together he would blow himself up in the air, which I treated more as a joke tbh), but very often when we were about to break up he would have "heart attack" (but when I called emergency he wouldn't even speak to them, didn't want help), asthma attacks, or in general "not feeling well"
-Few times when we were arguing in the car because he wasn't happy about something and he was shouting at me like crazy, he would drive like crazy too. I was scared for my life and wanted to get out of the car. He would then apologize saying how stupid it was etc.
-After one argue with me he said to his mom that he hurts everybody and it would be better if he didn't exist
-After one of the breakups he wanted me back (even tho he left me) and said that he will go to psychologist or psychiatrist because he knows what he does is bad
-He started seeing psychologist but from what I know he only admitted to get angry very quickly and this is what he wanted to work on. But when it got better with time he stopped the therapy.
-He would turn all our argues around saying "I didn't say that" or "This isn't what I meant" but also turning what I said upside down and also trying to put words in my mouth (which I would never use against him)
-He was seeking attention. He would interrupt my conversations, with mom, on the phone with something really stupid like a child "I am here! Look at me!" kind of thing...

There is probably much much more which I can't even remember now (I am still in a terrible state). But what was good in him was: he was very caring, very loving, he would give and buy anything for me (but if I didn't want it he was offended), he would look after me when I was poorly, he would push me to do something about my talents and to improve them, he would give all his attention to me and make everything about me, I was always the priority before his family, friends and work, he was helping a lot at home, he would tell me he will clean and I can go and have rest or do something for myself (which then he would use against me whilst arguing).

For the last few weeks of our relationship I was questioning my sanity and I didn't even know who I am anymore. I was scared to do something or say something that would make me angry. I was stressed even when he wasn't around. I was thinking to myself "how long is this gonna last, I want him to finally move out but I don't want to lose him, not yet, I'm not ready"
I think he has noticed change in my behaviour. And he was trying to be better, and he was. I mean there was not much swearing and he wouldn't call me bad names. But he was still getting angry over nothing and shout for no reason. And then there was a day that I came back from work wanting to clean the house as next day after work I was seeing my friend for a coffee. He then said he will do the cleaning as he is off the next day and he will cook dinner. Few hours later he asked me what to cook and I told him "I don't know, figure out something to cook, maybe something we would have for 2 days" (which was what we were doing anyway), he then got angry. Started to shout at me that he could not give a damn about cooking but do something for himself and I can't even tell him what to cook. He said he does most of the housework (which is not true) and that I don't even appreciate it (not true either as I was always telling his mom and my friends on front of him how much he helps and how much he cares!), then we went to the garden to smoke, I tried to calm him down but saying also that I don't agree he does more than me at home and that it really hurts me. Then he got crazy, said "PLEASE READ off you..." and thrown cigarette at me...I took glass with beer and poured over him (I am not proud of that, I didn't want it but something broke inside of me in that moment). We didn't talk anymore, he slept on the sofa. Next day I came from work to have a shower and go to see my friend. House was clean, dinner was done but he didn't even look at me. Didn't say hello, didn't apologize, didn't try to solve anything. I didn't do it either (because most of the time I had to apologize first even if it wasn't my fault). We didn't speak to each other all weekend. I was hoping he will just calm down, think about what happened and come to speak to me. He didn't. Sunday morning he says he found a flat so he will take his stuff. Tbh I was happy inside as this is what he promised long time ago. I thought this will help us with so many issues. I said Okay and then we just talked about some of the stuff at home he was taking etc. After all day of packing I have seen him making sandwiches so I said that he can have dinner I made but then he answered: "no thank you, I'm just taking sandwiches for my journey", so I asked bit confused how far is this flat and he gave me a name of the city he lived before...which is 3 hours away. I was shocked. I didn't say anything. I was just frozen. He said he wasn't able to take everything so he will be back one day. He left. Next day I messaged him saying I'm in shock, I thought he would move around here like we planned and we will sort this out and be together. But then the blame game started. I didn't really want to continue with blaming each other so I asked when he is coming to take his stuff (I was broken inside but very straight with him), he then saw me being cold and started to avoid the answer but he said that I could do something to talk to him, that he changed his life just like that, that he doesn't feel well etc. I said "this was your decision" then he said that I didn't protest and I let him go. And that he can't live with me cos I would never appreciate him. And then again he said that if I would do something that weekend instead of being quiet we could work it out ...I finished this conversation saying I want to go no contact after and that I will be blocking his number. He was surprise asking me why would you do that, we won't be talking about anything etc. He came day after to collect his stuff and we didn't speak or even look at each other (he supposed to leave before I came from work but obviously when I came back he was still packing). I went no contact. But there was something that bothered me a lot since beggining of our relationship and I found an evidence that he lied to me about something. I got really upset and angry so I have emailed him the screenshot of the evidence and I called him a liar and manipulator... he replied something about it and in the end "Why did you email me, what is your purpose in that" - really calm which is unusual ... but  I haven't replied anymore as I was in a terrible state. That was over a week ago.

I am so confused, I feel depressed. I ended up in therapy which doesn't help much. Therapist says there is nothing wrong with me. It is! If I was able to let someone treat me like this and holding to this for so long and now suffer so much when he left - there is clearly something wrong with me...

I think he didn't want to finish this... I think he wanted again show me he will leave hoping I will call him to come back, which I was usually doing day after he would move out with most of his stuff to his city (he even said in that last conversation that he learned already that I realize my mistakes with time - well usually I knew I was right but I was trying to understand him too and I used to apologize for everything just to make it work - big mistake!) But this time I didn't.. And I am kind of proud of that and I know he needs help and I know I would suffer more being with him... but I am devastated now. I miss him, I can't stop crying and thinking. I still love him. I feel like I need closure. Like after being blamed for so many things I didn't even do, I didn't have a chance to tell him how I feel and what he did. I have tried writing a letter without sending it to him but it is not the same. I want him to be aware. Because many times he was aware of his bad behaviour and he was able to apologize and make it up. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I lost my sanity. I feel like if he has BPD then somehow I got it from him (I started to feel like I have it now even though I never had such a behaviour and thinking like I do now). Please tell me what do you think about it all. What should I do with myself? Should I email him with everything I didn't have a chance to say? Should I tell him I think he has BPD? What if he hurts himself or what if he will hurt another woman? I am lost...

First, welcome... . Happy you have found us, but sorry for the circumstances that led to you having to seek us out. I will check back in on this thread later, but wanted to let you know you are not alone and we are here and listening. The one thing I want to say right away...no do not email him and do not mention anything about BPD. That would just bring you more problems and a guaranteed conflict and confrontation.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

 Hi Stillhere

I just wanted you to know that I will read this also, let SC start the conversation and hang around to see where this goes.

One thing that I wanted to reassure you tho - We've all been there. We've all wondered aloud what was wrong with us. The answer is nothing - these relationships are so different that they get their hooks into a person in ways we could never imagine possible.

So, SC has given you some great advice to start - Be kind to yourself. My own therapist said to me - Rev, remember this: It's so much easier to get into a relationship than to get out of one.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Hello to you all. Firstly I would like to apologise as this is going to be a long shot (I will try to make it simple). Also English isn't my native language but I hope you will understand what I mean.

My relationship with suspected BPD partner ended definitely 5 weeks ago. We did have so many break ups (I can't even count them all) but never such a long one.
We have been together almost 2 years. From the beginning there was so many red flags that I have ignored (I'm an empath trying to constantly save everyone but myself...)What are the main things that make me think he does have BPD:
-terrible jealousy without any reason. Even jealousy about my family members and my past! (He would never admit it is a jealousy, he would make a story around it to show me the reason for him being angry is not jealousy but something else - usually "worrying about me"
-wanting to be together all the time and doing everything together
-not wanting me to have much contact with people (I had to delete facebook when we met as there were constant questions about everyone and everything even a song that I shared or why somebody sent me a heart gif (it was my uncle)
-getting angry over everything even his imagination. Getting angry over silly things that I did or said, or not did or not said. Getting angry at the weather, at clients at work, at the driver on the road, cashier in the store etc but mostly at me..
-being verbally abusive. I have never heard such a terrible things from anyone in my life. Being called names, bringing up my past, hitting my weakest points, threats etc
-mood swing from "Life is beautiful" to being quiet and upset
-Seeing only black and white in life and people
-being very controlling about little aspects of my life from how much I smoke to what I eat; what I like to watch, what I think about certain things, where I work (in fact we did work together for few months because this was his dream to create a business with me, so I left my work hoping this will solve many problems, but being together 24 hours a day, as he wanted, wasn't any good for us
-expecting me to contact him all the time, even at work sending me lots of messages and calling me a lot
-blaming me for everything. Usually our argues look like that: he would get angry over something, I would try to talk and calm him down and actually understand why such a little thing is a reason to shout at me. He wouldn't stop if I tried to defend myself but he wouldn't stop when I was quiet either... in the end I would get angry too so he would call me really bad names and torture me verbally. Then we would stop talking or he was already packing his stuff and moving out blaming me for everything; saying he wouldn't call me like that if I didn't say or do what I did
-He was scared I am going to leave him. I even remember one situation where we have been arguing over a text messages and he would again treat me really badly and then blocked me everywhere (he used to do that a lot) just to after a short time tell me that he panicked because he saw, by the way I was texting, that I wanted to leave him.
-Very quickly after I met him he moved in to my house (he originally lived 3 hours away from me), promising that he will find something else to live at.
-We fell in love with each other very quickly
-Very quickly he started to talk about marriage and children and that he never felt like this about any other women as they weren't good enough to make such a serious plans with
-His family was very happy that he "finally found a great woman". In fact after one of our argues his mom told me "I wanted to thank you...you know what for".. I thought it's because I have given him another chance but now I think there is something more into this
-His friends said he wasn't lucky with girls before and they have never seen him as happy and in love as with me (which was bit weird to me, I just felt like they were hiding something, or maybe I got paranoid in all of this, I don't know)
-He demanded respect from everyone not really respecting others
-He thought that everything and everyone is against him, everybody wants to use him, they don't respect him, they think he is stupid etc
-He thought about himself as Alpha. This is why (I think) he never threated me with suicide (apart of one time when he said that if we won't be back together he would blow himself up in the air, which I treated more as a joke tbh), but very often when we were about to break up he would have "heart attack" (but when I called emergency he wouldn't even speak to them, didn't want help), asthma attacks, or in general "not feeling well"
-Few times when we were arguing in the car because he wasn't happy about something and he was shouting at me like crazy, he would drive like crazy too. I was scared for my life and wanted to get out of the car. He would then apologize saying how stupid it was etc.
-After one argue with me he said to his mom that he hurts everybody and it would be better if he didn't exist
-After one of the breakups he wanted me back (even tho he left me) and said that he will go to psychologist or psychiatrist because he knows what he does is bad
-He started seeing psychologist but from what I know he only admitted to get angry very quickly and this is what he wanted to work on. But when it got better with time he stopped the therapy.
-He would turn all our argues around saying "I didn't say that" or "This isn't what I meant" but also turning what I said upside down and also trying to put words in my mouth (which I would never use against him)
-He was seeking attention. He would interrupt my conversations, with mom, on the phone with something really stupid like a child "I am here! Look at me!" kind of thing...

There is probably much much more which I can't even remember now (I am still in a terrible state). But what was good in him was: he was very caring, very loving, he would give and buy anything for me (but if I didn't want it he was offended), he would look after me when I was poorly, he would push me to do something about my talents and to improve them, he would give all his attention to me and make everything about me, I was always the priority before his family, friends and work, he was helping a lot at home, he would tell me he will clean and I can go and have rest or do something for myself (which then he would use against me whilst arguing).

For the last few weeks of our relationship I was questioning my sanity and I didn't even know who I am anymore. I was scared to do something or say something that would make me angry. I was stressed even when he wasn't around. I was thinking to myself "how long is this gonna last, I want him to finally move out but I don't want to lose him, not yet, I'm not ready"
I think he has noticed change in my behaviour. And he was trying to be better, and he was. I mean there was not much swearing and he wouldn't call me bad names. But he was still getting angry over nothing and shout for no reason. And then there was a day that I came back from work wanting to clean the house as next day after work I was seeing my friend for a coffee. He then said he will do the cleaning as he is off the next day and he will cook dinner. Few hours later he asked me what to cook and I told him "I don't know, figure out something to cook, maybe something we would have for 2 days" (which was what we were doing anyway), he then got angry. Started to shout at me that he could not give a damn about cooking but do something for himself and I can't even tell him what to cook. He said he does most of the housework (which is not true) and that I don't even appreciate it (not true either as I was always telling his mom and my friends on front of him how much he helps and how much he cares!), then we went to the garden to smoke, I tried to calm him down but saying also that I don't agree he does more than me at home and that it really hurts me. Then he got crazy, said "PLEASE READ off you..." and thrown cigarette at me...I took glass with beer and poured over him (I am not proud of that, I didn't want it but something broke inside of me in that moment). We didn't talk anymore, he slept on the sofa. Next day I came from work to have a shower and go to see my friend. House was clean, dinner was done but he didn't even look at me. Didn't say hello, didn't apologize, didn't try to solve anything. I didn't do it either (because most of the time I had to apologize first even if it wasn't my fault). We didn't speak to each other all weekend. I was hoping he will just calm down, think about what happened and come to speak to me. He didn't. Sunday morning he says he found a flat so he will take his stuff. Tbh I was happy inside as this is what he promised long time ago. I thought this will help us with so many issues. I said Okay and then we just talked about some of the stuff at home he was taking etc. After all day of packing I have seen him making sandwiches so I said that he can have dinner I made but then he answered: "no thank you, I'm just taking sandwiches for my journey", so I asked bit confused how far is this flat and he gave me a name of the city he lived before...which is 3 hours away. I was shocked. I didn't say anything. I was just frozen. He said he wasn't able to take everything so he will be back one day. He left. Next day I messaged him saying I'm in shock, I thought he would move around here like we planned and we will sort this out and be together. But then the blame game started. I didn't really want to continue with blaming each other so I asked when he is coming to take his stuff (I was broken inside but very straight with him), he then saw me being cold and started to avoid the answer but he said that I could do something to talk to him, that he changed his life just like that, that he doesn't feel well etc. I said "this was your decision" then he said that I didn't protest and I let him go. And that he can't live with me cos I would never appreciate him. And then again he said that if I would do something that weekend instead of being quiet we could work it out ...I finished this conversation saying I want to go no contact after and that I will be blocking his number. He was surprise asking me why would you do that, we won't be talking about anything etc. He came day after to collect his stuff and we didn't speak or even look at each other (he supposed to leave before I came from work but obviously when I came back he was still packing). I went no contact. But there was something that bothered me a lot since beggining of our relationship and I found an evidence that he lied to me about something. I got really upset and angry so I have emailed him the screenshot of the evidence and I called him a liar and manipulator... he replied something about it and in the end "Why did you email me, what is your purpose in that" - really calm which is unusual ... but  I haven't replied anymore as I was in a terrible state. That was over a week ago.

I am so confused, I feel depressed. I ended up in therapy which doesn't help much. Therapist says there is nothing wrong with me. It is! If I was able to let someone treat me like this and holding to this for so long and now suffer so much when he left - there is clearly something wrong with me...

I think he didn't want to finish this... I think he wanted again show me he will leave hoping I will call him to come back, which I was usually doing day after he would move out with most of his stuff to his city (he even said in that last conversation that he learned already that I realize my mistakes with time - well usually I knew I was right but I was trying to understand him too and I used to apologize for everything just to make it work - big mistake!) But this time I didn't.. And I am kind of proud of that and I know he needs help and I know I would suffer more being with him... but I am devastated now. I miss him, I can't stop crying and thinking. I still love him. I feel like I need closure. Like after being blamed for so many things I didn't even do, I didn't have a chance to tell him how I feel and what he did. I have tried writing a letter without sending it to him but it is not the same. I want him to be aware. Because many times he was aware of his bad behaviour and he was able to apologize and make it up. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I lost my sanity. I feel like if he has BPD then somehow I got it from him (I started to feel like I have it now even though I never had such a behaviour and thinking like I do now). Please tell me what do you think about it all. What should I do with myself? Should I email him with everything I didn't have a chance to say? Should I tell him I think he has BPD? What if he hurts himself or what if he will hurt another woman? I am lost...

Now for my extended response...

First there are two things I want to direct you towards for reference

1) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all

2) Our tool section...https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Now, with that out of the way...

For you, we are going to focus on YOU. Not him. So to do that I need you to get behind the idea of outcome independence. What is outcome independence you might ask? In blunt terms it means you practice the art of not giving a S . Yes, take that with some humor as that was the point there...

Now to be serious...outcome independence means you let go of the idea that you have any power and control over any given outcome. In other words, you keep yourself level-headed and you do not emotionally invest in outcomes one way or the other. Why is this important? Right now you are hurt and you think you are owed and deserve an apology. Let go of that fantasy. Yes, you were mistreated. It sucks, but he is disordered. You will not get what you want and you will not get through. Also, you have to understand that you are not owed closure...you make closure for yourself. You cannot have the unrealistic expectation that someone has to do something for you to gain closure. Would it help and would it be nice? Of course, but you have to accept and train your mind that you have to move on for yourself and by yourself. Let it go. It is the only way you will heal. You will be fine with or without...

If he has BPD and has these disordered behaviors it is not your responsibility to help him. No, you served your time and you got dumped on. So make the healthy and powerful decision to choose yourself here.

Do not email him, do not contact him. Let it go and walk away. You have to distance yourself right now because you are vulnerable. Any kind of contact if you did have some will not help you and instead prolong your suffering and torture.

You have to cut all ties here and let go of the fantasy that it is your job to make him aware or to help or stop from hurting himself or others. No, again...you are only responsible for your own behaviors and how you respond to adversity. Period! Whatever happens with him is his business and has no bearing on you...okay?

You have not lost your sanity and you are going to be okay. You are just hurt right now and most likely had a lot of crap projected unto you by him. Some of your feelings are perhaps not really your feelings. They are weight that he placed upon you. Make sense?

To make sense of this for you...think of yourself as an abuse survivor. You survived. Now it is all about adapting and overcoming.

I urge you to keep venting and sharing and use our site here as a resource and an outlet so you can heal and move forward.

Please heed my words of being kind to YOU and taking care of yourself...these things are commonly taken for granted. I will be following along and I am here for support.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Rev]

Now for my extended response...

First there are two things I want to direct you towards for reference

1) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all

2) Our tool section...https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Now, with that out of the way...

For you, we are going to focus on YOU. Not him. So to do that I need you to get behind the idea of outcome independence. What is outcome independence you might ask? In blunt terms it means you practice the art of not giving a S . Yes, take that with some humor as that was the point there...

Now to be serious...outcome independence means you let go of the idea that you have any power and control over any given outcome. In other words, you keep yourself level-headed and you do not emotionally invest in outcomes one way or the other. Why is this important? Right now you are hurt and you think you are owed and deserve an apology. Let go of that fantasy. Yes, you were mistreated. It sucks, but he is disordered. You will not get what you want and you will not get through. Also, you have to understand that you are not owed closure...you make closure for yourself. You cannot have the unrealistic expectation that someone has to do something for you to gain closure. Would it help and would it be nice? Of course, but you have to accept and train your mind that you have to move on for yourself and by yourself. Let it go. It is the only way you will heal. You will be fine with or without...

If he has BPD and has these disordered behaviors it is not your responsibility to help him. No, you served your time and you got dumped on. So make the healthy and powerful decision to choose yourself here.

Do not email him, do not contact him. Let it go and walk away. You have to distance yourself right now because you are vulnerable. Any kind of contact if you did have some will not help you and instead prolong your suffering and torture.

You have to cut all ties here and let go of the fantasy that it is your job to make him aware or to help or stop from hurting himself or others. No, again...you are only responsible for your own behaviors and how you respond to adversity. Period! Whatever happens with him is his business and has no bearing on you...okay?

You have not lost your sanity and you are going to be okay. You are just hurt right now and most likely had a lot of crap projected unto you by him. Some of your feelings are perhaps not really your feelings. They are weight that he placed upon you. Make sense?

To make sense of this for you...think of yourself as an abuse survivor. You survived. Now it is all about adapting and overcoming.

I urge you to keep venting and sharing and use our site here as a resource and an outlet so you can heal and move forward.

Please heed my words of being kind to YOU and taking care of yourself...these things are commonly taken for granted. I will be following along and I am here for support.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

What SC said ...

If we were in a group, I'd be the one putting a fresh cup of coffee in your hand so you two could keep talking.

Rev

[imstillhere89]

Thank you all for reading my story and for your replies. I have read many stories on this forum trying to find ... I don't even know what.. a bit of reassurance perhaps..

You are right, he is no longer my responsibility and he supposed to do something about his life himself. Especially that he knows there is something wrong with him. You are also right that I can't expect to get closure and I think any contact with him would lead me back to this relationship and this is what I can't have.

At the moment I struggle with a lot of good memories, the way he treated me when he was alright, the way he would always put me on the first place. I don't know if anyone will ever make me feel so loved (I know this sounds ridiculous) but I also know that many people in my situation feel exactly the same.

I have got a list of his bad behaviours, the words he has used against me and our biggest fights. This is what my therapist advised me to do. Did that help? Maybe for a moment.. I try to have a look at that list everytime I feel upset that he left.. sometimes it does help, sometimes it doesn't..

There was so many things he has said to me that made me feel like trash...for example "I am gonna to brothel and I will send you pictures with wh***s!" .. or that I was the worst woman he ever slept with.. I have never seen him unhappy in bed with me, I would rather say quite the opposite..he then explained that this was out of order and he said that to hurt me because he was angry at me.. I don't know to this day which one is worse..

[Turkish]

There was so many things he has said to me that made me feel like trash...for example "I am gonna to brothel and I will send you pictures with wh***s!" .. or that I was the worst woman he ever slept with.. I have never seen him unhappy in bed with me, I would rather say quite the opposite..he then explained that this was out of order and he said that to hurt me because he was angry at me.. I don't know to this day which one is worse..

A female in my life tends to do that, but she's 10 years old. Emotional Immaturity is a common trait for people with BPD.

The most significant struggle for us, perhaps, is reconciling the good times with the bad.

There are a lot of top level articles in the green pull-down tabs at the very top of the site. This one might be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Unstable relationships (as in instability) are a characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder.

What does an unstable relationship actually look and feel like?

Unstable relationships are a characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder -- but what does an unstable relationship actually look like? This article describes a common and very confusing failure pattern that evolves over time.

A common and very confusing failure pattern of relationship instability is described in this article. A relationship can present with this characteristic failure pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve. The phases are typically not completely successive -- there are typically cycles of forward and backward movement between phases.

[imstillhere89]

I actually saw many childish behaviours from him. In fact he used to say quite often that "there is a child inside of each adult" which I was seeing from a totally different perspective than now.
He was arguing like a child, getting offended like a child and sometimes doing silly things like watching something on the laptop having only half of his body on the sofa and moving his legs on the carpet ..I can't even describe it but when I saw this I thought "he looks like a child". Also I have seen tears in his eyes many times when I didn't agree with him or I was gently "telling him off" for doing something bad...and again in my mind was a picture of a child...
Also him moving out after argument.. it was a bit like "I am taking my toys and I'm going to play on my own because I don't like you anymore"..
Or he would even move and walk like a child sometimes. And he was over 100kg weight man so try to picture this.
It is scary now when I think about it.
Oh another thing..this is bit odd...he used to keep his urine for such a long time (instead of just going to the toilet)  that he would unconsciously grab his willy thru his trousers like a little boy. I started to pay attention to that and telling him that it doesn't really look good and makes me feel embarrassed. He was doing that for months and then he stopped ater I explained to him how I really feel and tried to make him picture me doing this. He admitted I'm right and he was really careful not to do that anymore. I have never seen an adult doing that seriously .. it was very weird to me.

Also he was constantly comparing himself to everyone. Saying or trying to show that he is better than anyone else. Everybody was stupid, not capable etc.  He was the best in absolutely everything

[Manic Miner]

Having a child inside is not something to be concerned by default. If anything, it can be refreshing, invigorating, playful, offer a new perspective in usually, dull and overly serious adult world. A bit like what art does for us and to us.

BUT, it's one thing to goof around, be silly in your spare time, make jokes, be joyful and totally another to act like a child emotionally, without taking responsibility for your actions. Photography is my profession and having a 'child inside' is a great perk to have. But when it comes to executing a job, it's serious business, even though you can still 'play'. But you need to deliver and take responsibility.

That's where BPDs, NPDs fail flat, as nothing is their responsibility regarding their behavior and how that affects other people. Always someone else to blame.

[imstillhere89]

Having a child inside is not something to be concerned by default. If anything, it can be refreshing, invigorating, playful, offer a new perspective in usually, dull and overly serious adult world. A bit like what art does for us and to us.

BUT, it's one thing to goof around, be silly in your spare time, make jokes, be joyful and totally another to act like a child emotionally, without taking responsibility for your actions. Photography is my profession and having a 'child inside' is a great perk to have. But when it comes to executing a job, it's serious business, even though you can still 'play'. But you need to deliver and take responsibility.

That's where BPDs, NPDs fail flat, as nothing is their responsibility regarding their behavior and how that affects other people. Always someone else to blame.

I agree with everything you said.
And also I was the one to blame ALWAYS for everything. Sometimes I was able to explain to him that actually he did this and that wrong and it wasn't my fault. He then would finally admit it but also push me to apologize for what in his opinion I did wrong too.. So even when I have heard apologies I had to apologize too. Sometimes I was apologising for things I didn't do in order to calm him down...

[SinisterComplex]

I agree with everything you said.
And also I was the one to blame ALWAYS for everything. Sometimes I was able to explain to him that actually he did this and that wrong and it wasn't my fault. He then would finally admit it but also push me to apologize for what in his opinion I did wrong too.. So even when I have heard apologies I had to apologize too. Sometimes I was apologising for things I didn't do in order to calm him down...

And that is the part that has to make you stop and ask yourself something has to be off? When you are apologizing just to placate and doing it just to do it that makes no sense. So as you start your journey toward healing keep reminding yourself of your truth and live your truth. I promise after a while you will have that moment of man what the F was I thinking? It doesn't mean the pain, hurt, feelings, etc will just evaporate, but you will gain control over your emotional compass and be able to view things more pragmatically.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-