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Brightside
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2


« on: October 30, 2022, 09:34:59 AM »

Hi I am a 31yo M. My wife is 31yo F undiagnosed BPD w/ a history of a TBI.  We have been married for little over 1 year and just had a beautiful baby girl last february. Since our daughter has been born conflicts have been getting worse.  She started hitting me after she thought I was checking out her sister; constant daily manipulations using FOG to get me to do her bidding.
I was led to believe from her family that all the outbursts and anger was from her tbi.
After 2-3 weeks of research on here I have also concluded that her twin sister has bpd as well and they have been feeding off of each other's validation for years. They are both mostly blind to their issues and use every excuse they can come up with to justify their actions.
My wife is open to counseling/therapy but still believes nothing is wrong with her.
Where should I start?
I don't want to pick the wrong therapist and hit a road block.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

kells76
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2022, 03:43:49 PM »

Hi Brightside, welcome to the group -- glad you chose to reach out for support and help as stresses have increased in your life.

Worsening conflicts, hitting, manipulation, fear/obligation/guilt, outbursts, and anger take a toll on relationships, and given that you're trying to parent an infant as well, are beyond challenging.

The fact that your W is open to counseling despite believing that she is fine, is a positive sign. That at least gives you guys a direction to try. Is she open to marriage counseling, or individual counseling, or...?

It's good that you're wanting to select an insightful, competent, experienced therapist, and not have to go through weeks of appointments only to learn that the counselor is in over his/her head.

One way to gauge a therapist's experience with BPD in relationships could be for you to read (or at least be familiar with) Dr. Alan Fruzzetti's book "The High Conflict Couple", and then reference it to whoever you're interviewing. It's a fairly well known book in the counseling world, I believe, and it Dr. Fruzzetti not only has directed a DBT research program (DBT being the "gold standard" for treating BPD), but has also worked with Marsha Linehan on a "DBT for couples" book.

You could ask the therapists you're interviewing if they're familiar with high conflict couples, if they're familiar with Dr. Fruzzetti, what their experience is like with high conflict couples, and who they'd recommend you and your W see, if you believe you and she might be a HCC.

The nice thing is that you don't have to work with anyone you don't believe is experienced enough, and it's perfectly fine to ask whoever you're "interviewing" who they'd recommend.

Do you think your W would be open to seeing someone you picked?

...

Glad you're here. Post whenever works for you -- we'll all be here.

kells76

...

P.S. We have a link to a review of "The High Conflict Couple" here
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