Always Maybe - Patterns and Cycles?

[Depression = 72% of members]

She can't respond if I don't reach out. Which I am adamant not to do.

What I would do if she reached out, or stopped by in person? I cannot yet say.

[OKrunch]

She can't respond if I don't reach out. Which I am adamant not to do.

What I would do if she reached out, or stopped by in person? I cannot yet say.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

She can't respond if I don't reach out. Which I am adamant not to do.

What I would do if she reached out, or stopped by in person? I cannot yet say.

Okrunch,

You might want to plan on having something planned to say and/or do [or not do, like not answering the door after you see it is her on the other side], otherwise, you could easily get 'sucked' back in.  You need a plan to resist her 'temptations' of the 'pull' dynamic.

I am going to remind you, and everyone reading, the "7 P's"

Proper
Prior
Planning
Prevents
Pi$$
Poor
Performance

My other mantra is "Hope and Pray for the Best [which failed to occur]; but, plan for the worst."

Now you need to plan for the 'worst', be firm in your resolve and follow through with it.

Take care with self-care.

Salty

Easiest way to go NC is to block your phone and block your social media accounts to her.  Or at least mark her number as 'spam' so you won't be bothered with her on her terms, but only when you check your spam box/folder on your phone.

[OKrunch]

i STRONGLY doubt ill be hearing from her or seeing her, likely ever again, but ill make a plan regardless.

[Rev]

i STRONGLY doubt ill be hearing from her or seeing her, likely ever again, but ill make a plan regardless.

I thought the same ...  until she ambushed me ... at work.

Block her. it'll do you some good.

[tina7868]

i STRONGLY doubt ill be hearing from her or seeing her, likely ever again, but ill make a plan regardless.

Hey OKrunch! I'm going to chime in since I can relate to how you're feeling. I am a big proponent for this type of action plan. Although it may feel like you won't hear from her again, past events suggest that the possibility does exist. A therapist once told me that this type of plan is in line with a fire escape plan from a building; you hope that you won't have to use it, but should a fire break out it can make all the difference to know what to do. It allows you to respond (or not respond) in a way that is in line with who you want to be now that you are in a clearer state of mind, instead of reacting based off your feelings that may be triggered in the moment. It allows you to take control of the situation.

[Pook075]

i STRONGLY doubt ill be hearing from her or seeing her, likely ever again, but ill make a plan regardless.

From what I've learned in researching BPD over the years is that the feeling of being unwanted, unhappy, and unloved are always there, basically making the person have terrible self esteem and feeling empty inside.  Your ex will blame you for feeling that way, just like she blamed her ex before you, her former bosses and friends, her former teachers, and likely her parents and/or siblings as well.  In their mind, there's always someone or something that's the source of their unhappiness because they can't possibly believe that it comes from within.

So when a BPD leaves, they do so to feel better and to heal from a "toxic relationship".  There's almost always a new favorite person, maybe a lover, and they're happy for a period of time until reality catches up and they suddenly feel all that sad, empty, dysregulated stuff all over again.  And another cycle starts- maybe that brings them back to you, or maybe they find a new favorite person again to fixate on.  But in any case, the loop continues with or without you.

Even though it feels like she'll never be back, the odds are that she will try at some point and it will be up to you to make a decision.  That's what most people have experienced here...I personally have not but my situation is a little unique since my wife's new favorite person is a handicapped individual with the mentality of an 8 year old.

Just be prepared at some point for her to show up out of nowhere and want to restart the relationship with the love-bombing and feel-good moments.

[Turkish]

Pook075,

This is exactly how it went down with me. Despite marrying a  study college football jock 20 years younger than me for whom she left me, she eventually asked to come back. She had a happy romance for over a year until the wheels fell off shortly after they married and he moved in with her and our kids.

[OKrunch]

Wow, thanks everybody for the continued advice and support. I will definitely continue to be vigilant. This weekend was a major turning point for me. I don't want any of this stress aggravation,  pain and conflict anymore.

This " relationship"  has not brought me joy since last summer, and that was fleeting.

I'm moving soon and she's not going to know where.

The only way she is going to have to get in touch with me is to show up at my work, which is a pretty extreme step and I can just have her leave if she's being a problem.



I feel the strength of the Sun for the first time today. Although daylight savings time isn't for a week, and the Equinox for another week after that, this feels like the beginning of Spring for me.



I feel good. I feel as though my conscious is clean and I am at peace.



I built that peace and I will not let anybody else tear it down

[Rev]

I'm moving soon and she's not going to know where.

I built that peace and I will not let anybody else tear it down

I did exactly the same thing ... that was THE best thing I could have done.

[OKrunch]

I stumbled across this today.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352242.0

A bit harsh, but was definitely a needed read.

[OKrunch]

Ive been over in "detaching" for a while now, but honestly, i still want her back, and knowing about the replacement makes it so much harder.