Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 22, 2023, 11:52:37 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Once Removed, I Am RedeemedTurkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, Kells76, Mutt, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Author Topic: Projection me or him?  (Read 73 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 1

« on: February 07, 2023, 12:23:45 PM »

My husband and I are currently in couples therapy. About 10 years ago he received SsDI after not working about 3 years and disowning his family.. He was adopted at 5 years old after spending 2.5 years with a kind foster family. His birth parents were young, on drugs and regularly abandoned he and his sister. She is a year younger. She was put in multiple foster homes and could not speak or eat well. They were both cared for in an upper middle class home when they were reunited and adopted together. His adopted parents verbally and physically abused both kids.They are both above average intelligence. About the time my husband got SSDI He came home and said he was diagnosed with BPD with narcissistic tendencies.  I am not sure if it was the regular therapist or the therapist for his SSDI that gave the diagnosis. But the therapist continued by saying it is less common in men than women and that he was not too worried because his symptoms were improving.

I grew up without a father figure but with a mother who was hard working, loving but stressed. A family history of addiction my mom struggled with alcohol until I was around 12 and I think I probably witnessed DV on a regular basis mostly by my Alcoholic father towards my mom. I think occasionally she fought back. I hoard. I think I am improving. The house is more liveable and I bring home things I will actually use like work slacks and socks. Still some extra but far less than before.  I was not sexually or physically abused. There was some verbal abuse but I also felt safe, loved, securely attached growing up. I do have various traumas but nothing out of the “norm”
My husband was beaten, accused of lying told he had bad genes and would never amount to more than a garbage  man on a daily basis. He didn’t attach to his adopted mom, peed the bed into teenage and ran away when little. He also hugged paint at a teenage and almost died at one point before his Dad got him to wake up. He was sexually molested in the military by another male soldier and had problems with drinking and fighting during that time. He ended up committing a rape at 24 years old and spent 13 years in prison. He had a lot of therapy, really good therapy and made lots of progress in prison.
He now thinks that I misheard the bpd diagnosis and that I am projecting. I told him I could see how fear of rejection could translate to fear of letting go of stuff and narcissistic tendencies could relate to making our living space less comfortable, but it is hard for me to see BPD in myself.
He does have fear of rejection/His ideas not being followed to the T causing angry outburst
He has had a poor sense of self and has thru the years borrowed behaviors from an actor or others. He does not maintain friendships for long and has in the past had black and white think and splitting about friends and family. He still does splitting with my son and I but less often. He has in the past had problems with drinking, road rage, and sex with prostitutes and porn addiction. He also used to try and run away while my mom was dying of cancer and say he would live under a bridge. He used to have suicidal ideation and try and jump out of the car while I was driving. .When upset he would yell and slam doors and chase people and be relentless if you were not following his suggestions. He is calmer now. I think our son has taught him a lot about what communication works and which does not. We have been married 20 years,  I met him after prison at 33 and he was 39. I got a bachelor degree in psychology and he helped me the last year of school talking on the phone. We met online and we’re engaged in 6 months. I feel as though the only reason he did not have multiple failed relationships is because I was patient and had poor boundaries. He has had episodes of paranoia and grandiose thinking examples He is a prophet and very focused on being the only one with a new idea about civilization, thinking that I was taking him to prison to drop him off, wanting me to quit my job and join protestors about the 1 percent or moving to Mexico or Canada because or Goverment is corrupt and dangerous. I know this is long, thank you for reading I just wanted to try and include important information.
He has also decided that science tells him to take away his co dependent support so that I can’t spend money on thrifted items. I pay all household bills with my full time job and he buys food for our sons and himself and saves money for emergencies. Last year he gave me around $1500 for bills, his family members lived in a spare room for 1 month and he bought a dryer. This year he bought a stove. Our roof has needed repair for 5 years. He has $1600 in savings. He has been saying 3 + years. He likes fast food and cannabis .He makes $1200+ a month on SSDI. He says once we get the stove he will help by cooking and cleaning the kitchen.
So my question is am I projecting? Do I actually have BPD and I heard wrong so long ago and he does NOT have BPD?
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Senior Ambassador
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 2355

« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2023, 12:03:33 PM »

Hi Bluebird1986, welcome to the group -- this is a good place to learn more about BPD behaviors, traits, diagnoses and relationships.

We appreciate you being so willing to share what's going on in your life and where you're at. That can take courage.

You both have had, and do have, some challenging things to deal with. It's good to hear that you are in couples therapy. How long has that been going? What does your counselor have you working on right now?

And, do either of you have an individual therapist, too? It can be important to have individual support & accountability just for "your stuff" -- I can share that my DH and I have a marriage counselor, and then I have an individual counselor, too (his kids' mom is the one with many BPD traits, it's pretty stressful).

I think I'm reading that you have kids? How many kids do you have, and how old are they? How have they been doing with the stress?

And to touch on your question here

So my question is am I projecting? Do I actually have BPD and I heard wrong so long ago and he does NOT have BPD?

One component of BPD as a disorder is shame. Another component is struggling with having a self &/or having a secure, stable identity.

So, those aspects of BPD may be showing up when your H says "it's not me, it's you". He may feel ashamed at having BPD, and in order to rid himself of the shame, says it's not him with the shameful disorder, it's you. Also, he may struggle to integrate complicated parts of himself. It might be hard for him to see himself as "not just good or bad", but a normal mixture of some positives and some negatives. So, adding a BPD diagnosis to his picture of himself, may be truly challenging.

Also, typically members who are able to ask genuinely "Do I have BPD", don't have it. That would be an unusual kind of openness for a pwBPD to have (not impossible, just less common). And, if you received the answer "Yes, you do have BPD", if your response would be "OK, then I plan to get significant help and work towards healing", then it is also unlikely that you have BPD.

If you still have concerns, consider reaching out to your couples counselor (or individual counselor, if you have one), as a MH professional would be very well equipped to assess that worry.

We have an article on the site called I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know? -- check it out, and if you want to, let us know your thoughts on it.

Again, welcome to the group;


Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2022?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
Jump to:  

Our 2022 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
Lemon Squeezy

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!