BPD ex GF left me - is it my fault?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is a my first ever post online and it is very long so I apologise. Just have to get it off my chest and hope somebody understands.

I (26M) met up with my ex (26F) 18 months ago when I was living on my own in a small shared room, with no friends, working at a job I didn't enjoy, the worst place I've ever lived. I had matched with her on tinder by chance. She was actually a school friend who was attracted to me 10 years ago but I stopped talking to her.

She lived 50 miles away in my home town where my 80 year old dad lives with her 2 children age 3 and 5.  Anyway after seeing her every single weekend for only a few months, I decided to leave my job for another in my home town and move in with her. She told me she'd always wanted to be with me ever since she met me. She has BPD, had a lot of personal issues. Past traumatic relationships, but had worked on herself and went to therapy. She has 2 children with 2 different dad's, one in her life, one not. I honestly couldn't at the time see my life with her. She was never really good for me, toxic arguing and passive aggressiveness. Toxic past. No friends/family around.  But as I started to see her more we formed a connection and I really started to fall in love with her. She was like a drug. She gave me comfort and I needed it. Over time so many happy memories were made. We started to grow a bond and a connection on so many levels. She got healthier, so did I. But but there were also a lot of arguments, some highly volotile, and one night ended with me being physical with her after she was physical with me, and she broke up with me.

This shocked me as I didn't want to be on my own and felt like I had fallen in love with her over time but hadn't fully realised it and the wrong I'd been doing. After weeks of pleading and apologising to her she decided to get back with me. From then on things got slightly better but it was still very up and down in different areas. She wanted a baby. I wasn't truly happy. I never was, before being with S and during. Still I carried on, switching jobs, not knowing what I wanted to do, just taking each days as it comes. I ended up becoming a father to her 5 year old whos dad was never around. I fell even more in love with S and loved everything about her but I still wasn't happy. Wasn't happy in myself, I wasn't happy about certain areas of our relationship. I struggled sexually with her sometimes because of many different reasons. She seemed to struggle sexually sometimes too. Always told me it wasn't my fault just her body. Something just felt off sometimes. However the other half of the time it would be great and we'd both say how amazing it was. It would be on and off, sometimes great sometimes not, very inconsistent. We argued about lots of things, whats fair whats not. Sometimes silly things. When we argued she would get really crazy sometimes, hitting herself, slamming doors. Hitting walls. She enraged me at times too and I ended up saying hurtful things at times. Not very nice things, that our relationship is a joke etc. We argued more and more and a cycle of breaking up and getting back together started and we ended up saying that if it happened again, that would be it, we would have to split up. It was a cycle that wasn't healthy for anyone. And i knew we were not right for eachother, but I loved her and SS5 and I kept believing things will be better.

So one day I left after a argument, and she suddenly texts me saying she doesn't want any of it anymore and wants to be on her own. It doesn't work. Her feelings have changed. Etc. I was shocked and heartbroken to see this over text and went back and pleaded her that things could get better. How could we throw away what we have and our life together? All the special times we've had? Obviously I was in panic mode again. I would lose everything. My whole world. She and now SS5 meant everything to me. Over the course of our relationship i sold all my belongings to move in with her, I'd realised I actually want the life and the baby she pleaded me for for months but was I too scared to commit to having a baby. Now all of a sudden she doesnt want it anymore and blocks me on social media. From that day onwards I'm scared, alone, abandoned, unwanted, unloved, alone. I become obsessive, stalker like. Somebody i never thought i could become. I resort to making multiple accounts to start conversation with her and reconcile. She would talk for a while on one of the the accounts and some things I would say would make her feels things and she would drop hints that some part of her wants a life with me. But then hours or the next morning she would shut me down and block me again and I would make a new account. I'd message her again and we'd go back and forth with me trying to convince her that we are good together and I can change and make her happy but none of it was going through. She apparently didn't believe any of it. She said she couldn't get over some of the things I said. And didn't feel love for me like she used to anymore. And it's not fair on her the kids or me. She was cut off from me completely. This drove me into a real panic as I realise I've pushed my soul mate away from me for good. I went off the rails. I started drinking more. Smoking weed again. Spent every bit of money I have left and ended up going to her apartment in the middle of the night after I'd got too drunk 3 weekends in a row pleading her to get back with me. Absolutely wrong and pathetic I know. After the third time I went over, the next day she texts me saying she's reporting me to the police, rightly so, and to not go anywhere near her ever again. That I'm harrassing her. And that she's dropping my things off in the next couple days and then we are done, and she wants to move on with her life. This has broke me, partly because only 3 weeks ago she was telling me how much she wanted a life with me and a baby with me. Now I want all of that she doesn't want it anymore. It also broke me because I was the person she loved dearly, and weeks later I become the obsessive, stalking ex boyfriend, something I thought I could never let myself become.

I can't get over how much love she showed me so recently and how it's all disappeared so suddenly. All the happy memories we shared. The little things we did. We did everything together. Knew everything about eachother. Had baths together, pampered eachother, comforted and loved eachother and made eachother feel special. A year and a half we spent together. We told eachother that we were soul mates only weeks ago and said that the bond between us would never die even if we split up. But it did, so quickly for her. She was speaking to other guys on dating apps days after we broke up. She went to the club a week after we broke up (hadnt been to a club in 4 years), she had another man over her flat a week or so later and now she's reported me to the police for harassment. I just don't know how to process any of it. Obviously I am not going to try and contact her what so ever anymore as I know what I've done is not right.  I just cant stop my mind from thinking about it all from the minute I wake up to the minute i go to sleep. I can't eat anything at all, I've gone off food completely since she left me, I've survived on milk and biscuits for the last week because I can't stomach eating any food. I really don't know what to do. I've very underweight now, I've got no job, I'm living with my 80 year old dad which is difficult and I've got no other friends or family around. I've got no money to eat properly. I can't focus on anything i used to enjoy, I'm very depressed, I don't even like myself, mostly because of the wrong decisions I keep making and how low I let myself fall to get myself into this position. I have bad social anxiety mostly because I don't even know myself. 26 years old and I know know who I am. Getting help from a doctor in my area is a nightmare, and then they'll just try a random antidepressent.

Everywhere I go in this small town I'm reminded of her and the life I had and I'm stuck here. I feel very depressed and I'm trying so hard to get my self worth back and try to stop reminiscing over how wonderful the good times were with her. I'm trying to focus on the positives but there arent really any in my life without her. She's also stopped me from seeing her 5 year old who now sees me as his dad. I feel like I've lost my whole life. I wasn't even happy before I met her and now I'm even worse off and she's the only answer to happiness I had in life. I've lost everything. Every minute of everyday no matter what I try and distract myself with I can't get her and everything that's happened off my mind. I can't stop thinking about how I took it all for granted and now have nothing again. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me, obviously I am depressed, and have made the wrong choices. I just wish I knew what to do

[mercuryblue]

This is a my first ever post online and it is very long so I apologise. Just have to get it off my chest and hope somebody understands.

I (26M) met up with my ex (26F) 18 months ago when I was living on my own in a small shared room, with no friends, working at a job I didn't enjoy, the worst place I've ever lived. I had matched with her on tinder by chance. She was actually a school friend who was attracted to me 10 years ago but I stopped talking to her.

She lived 50 miles away in my home town where my 80 year old dad lives with her 2 children age 3 and 5.  Anyway after seeing her every single weekend for only a few months, I decided to leave my job for another in my home town and move in with her. She told me she'd always wanted to be with me ever since she met me. She has BPD, had a lot of personal issues. Past traumatic relationships, but had worked on herself and went to therapy. She has 2 children with 2 different dad's, one in her life, one not. I honestly couldn't at the time see my life with her. She was never really good for me, toxic arguing and passive aggressiveness. Toxic past. No friends/family around.  But as I started to see her more we formed a connection and I really started to fall in love with her. She was like a drug. She gave me comfort and I needed it. Over time so many happy memories were made. We started to grow a bond and a connection on so many levels. She got healthier, so did I. But but there were also a lot of arguments, some highly volotile, and one night ended with me being physical with her after she was physical with me, and she broke up with me.

This shocked me as I didn't want to be on my own and felt like I had fallen in love with her over time but hadn't fully realised it and the wrong I'd been doing. After weeks of pleading and apologising to her she decided to get back with me. From then on things got slightly better but it was still very up and down in different areas. She wanted a baby. I wasn't truly happy. I never was, before being with S and during. Still I carried on, switching jobs, not knowing what I wanted to do, just taking each days as it comes. I ended up becoming a father to her 5 year old whos dad was never around. I fell even more in love with S and loved everything about her but I still wasn't happy. Wasn't happy in myself, I wasn't happy about certain areas of our relationship. I struggled sexually with her sometimes because of many different reasons. She seemed to struggle sexually sometimes too. Always told me it wasn't my fault just her body. Something just felt off sometimes. However the other half of the time it would be great and we'd both say how amazing it was. It would be on and off, sometimes great sometimes not, very inconsistent. We argued about lots of things, whats fair whats not. Sometimes silly things. When we argued she would get really crazy sometimes, hitting herself, slamming doors. Hitting walls. She enraged me at times too and I ended up saying hurtful things at times. Not very nice things, that our relationship is a joke etc. We argued more and more and a cycle of breaking up and getting back together started and we ended up saying that if it happened again, that would be it, we would have to split up. It was a cycle that wasn't healthy for anyone. And i knew we were not right for eachother, but I loved her and SS5 and I kept believing things will be better.

So one day I left after a argument, and she suddenly texts me saying she doesn't want any of it anymore and wants to be on her own. It doesn't work. Her feelings have changed. Etc. I was shocked and heartbroken to see this over text and went back and pleaded her that things could get better. How could we throw away what we have and our life together? All the special times we've had? Obviously I was in panic mode again. I would lose everything. My whole world. She and now SS5 meant everything to me. Over the course of our relationship i sold all my belongings to move in with her, I'd realised I actually want the life and the baby she pleaded me for for months but was I too scared to commit to having a baby. Now all of a sudden she doesnt want it anymore and blocks me on social media. From that day onwards I'm scared, alone, abandoned, unwanted, unloved, alone. I become obsessive, stalker like. Somebody i never thought i could become. I resort to making multiple accounts to start conversation with her and reconcile. She would talk for a while on one of the the accounts and some things I would say would make her feels things and she would drop hints that some part of her wants a life with me. But then hours or the next morning she would shut me down and block me again and I would make a new account. I'd message her again and we'd go back and forth with me trying to convince her that we are good together and I can change and make her happy but none of it was going through. She apparently didn't believe any of it. She said she couldn't get over some of the things I said. And didn't feel love for me like she used to anymore. And it's not fair on her the kids or me. She was cut off from me completely. This drove me into a real panic as I realise I've pushed my soul mate away from me for good. I went off the rails. I started drinking more. Smoking weed again. Spent every bit of money I have left and ended up going to her apartment in the middle of the night after I'd got too drunk 3 weekends in a row pleading her to get back with me. Absolutely wrong and pathetic I know. After the third time I went over, the next day she texts me saying she's reporting me to the police, rightly so, and to not go anywhere near her ever again. That I'm harrassing her. And that she's dropping my things off in the next couple days and then we are done, and she wants to move on with her life. This has broke me, partly because only 3 weeks ago she was telling me how much she wanted a life with me and a baby with me. Now I want all of that she doesn't want it anymore. It also broke me because I was the person she loved dearly, and weeks later I become the obsessive, stalking ex boyfriend, something I thought I could never let myself become.

I can't get over how much love she showed me so recently and how it's all disappeared so suddenly. All the happy memories we shared. The little things we did. We did everything together. Knew everything about eachother. Had baths together, pampered eachother, comforted and loved eachother and made eachother feel special. A year and a half we spent together. We told eachother that we were soul mates only weeks ago and said that the bond between us would never die even if we split up. But it did, so quickly for her. She was speaking to other guys on dating apps days after we broke up. She went to the club a week after we broke up (hadnt been to a club in 4 years), she had another man over her flat a week or so later and now she's reported me to the police for harassment. I just don't know how to process any of it. Obviously I am not going to try and contact her what so ever anymore as I know what I've done is not right.  I just cant stop my mind from thinking about it all from the minute I wake up to the minute i go to sleep. I can't eat anything at all, I've gone off food completely since she left me, I've survived on milk and biscuits for the last week because I can't stomach eating any food. I really don't know what to do. I've very underweight now, I've got no job, I'm living with my 80 year old dad which is difficult and I've got no other friends or family around. I've got no money to eat properly. I can't focus on anything i used to enjoy, I'm very depressed, I don't even like myself, mostly because of the wrong decisions I keep making and how low I let myself fall to get myself into this position. I have bad social anxiety mostly because I don't even know myself. 26 years old and I know know who I am. Getting help from a doctor in my area is a nightmare, and then they'll just try a random antidepressent.

Everywhere I go in this small town I'm reminded of her and the life I had and I'm stuck here. I feel very depressed and I'm trying so hard to get my self worth back and try to stop reminiscing over how wonderful the good times were with her. I'm trying to focus on the positives but there arent really any in my life without her. She's also stopped me from seeing her 5 year old who now sees me as his dad. I feel like I've lost my whole life. I wasn't even happy before I met her and now I'm even worse off and she's the only answer to happiness I had in life. I've lost everything. Every minute of everyday no matter what I try and distract myself with I can't get her and everything that's happened off my mind. I can't stop thinking about how I took it all for granted and now have nothing again. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me, obviously I am depressed, and have made the wrong choices. I just wish I knew what to do

[Gutt3rSnipe]

Your story reminds me a fair bit about my own ex bpd story. First off, I’m sorry you’re going through this buddy. I know how it feels to be ditched by the person you love most. The person who you made so many good memories with, and promised you nobody could replace you. 

I have a question, you said that she has been receiving treatment for her disorder. How long and is she still being treated? Judging by her behavior it doesn’t seem like she really is, or at least not for a long enough time. Apparently for the treatment to be successful they have to stay consistent with it. Granted, relationships for pwBPD are always going to be more difficult for them then the average person regardless of the treatment.

The thing with untreated bpd is that every relationship for them is going to end badly and be unhealthy. They are stuck in a cycle of idealize, devalue, discard, and repeat. If her disorder is untreated (sounds like it to me) then the breakdown of your relationship was inevitable and in no way your fault. It would and will happen with any other guy she decides to be with in the future. Some of her relationships will last longer, some shorter, but they will all end in disaster as long as she remains untreated. The person she’s with could be interchanged and the result would remain the same.

This lady’s videos have helped me a lot in my breakup with my ex. It might help you too man.

https://youtu.be/FG3O5eMtwjE

[Mutt]

Hey mercuryblue,  

I'd like to join Gutt3rSnipe and welcome you to the family. I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. Reading your post sounds like a lot of members that are here. It helps to talk to others that can relate with you.

A relationship with a pwBPD can feel like you are going through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You are quickly placed high on a pedestal and can be just as quickly removed as well.

I would suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly become proficient over time.

Getting help from a doctor in my area is a nightmare, and then they'll just try a random antidepressent.

With today's technology you may be able to connect to a doctor remotely, is there something like that in your area? I would suggest to take care of yourself by eating and trying to get some sleep if you are experiencing issues, then I would suggest to talk to a family doctor or a GP.

I can relate with your post in the context of being split black. It hurt deeply being split black and not understanding where the vitriol came from. I am sorry that you are going through this. You are doing the best thing right now by not engaging your expwBPD, she did make a complaint to the police, as you know you don't want to overstep your boundaries there.

How is your support system aside form your dad? I understand that you're going through a difficult time right now. As I previously mentioned, it helps to talk. Reading and joining other members discussions helps a lot as well.

The lessons are at the top of the board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=11.0

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[Pook075]

Welcome to the family brother, so many of us here can relate to everything you said.  Gutt3rSnipe hit it on the head when he shared that this isn't about you- anyone else could be swapped in your position and the result would probably be the same.  Maybe it lasts a little longer or a little shorter, but the problem is her emotions and letting her feelings dominate every decision she makes.

I echo what Mutt said as well- get in therapy!  You can't change her, but you can heal yourself and find what makes you feel complete in this world.  It's super hard, so know that nobody here is minimizing the pain you've gone through, but the path to recovery is all about self-reflection and finding yourself again.  You'll stumble, you'll talk to her and backslide, and all of that is okay...we've all been through it or are going through it.

Good luck, my friend...and again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  It hurts like mad, but it does get better in time.

[Man_51]

Hi there Buddy,

First of all your story is very similar to mine and many of the others. The patterns you can see in their behaviours tells us it´s not us who triggers these relationship matters. There was nothing there you could do to change the outcome - it was just a matter of time.

BPD is an attachment problem, they just cant attache in the similar way as normal human beeings. Marriage, kids, plans for the future, yes they are real for the person but only in that brief moment, and they are BPD Anchors just to keep her safe from beeing discarded her selfe. Then suddenly her feelings shift and she cant feel a thing for you, exactly as your feelings for a stranger, she doesnt feel for you and when you try to talk her back to senses, because you are still attached, you push her further away.

I´ve been there myselfe and didn´t understand anything of what was going on, how could she love me so sincerely on day just to block me everywhere the next.

Your comfort has to rest in the conclution this is a pattern, it is her mind that is NOT functioning normal and you can´t change her - and mostly of all : You are not alone, this has happened to many of us and we are the same totally confused.

She wanted me to propose to her last spring and get married, and two weeks later she broke up, replaced me and I have not heard a single word since that. It was from an five year relationship with a diagnosed BPD person.

Sincerely from Scandinavia.

[jaded7]

This is a my first ever post online and it is very long so I apologise. Just have to get it off my chest and hope somebody understands.

I (26M) met up with my ex (26F) 18 months ago when I was living on my own in a small shared room, with no friends, working at a job I didn't enjoy, the worst place I've ever lived. I had matched with her on tinder by chance. She was actually a school friend who was attracted to me 10 years ago but I stopped talking to her.

She lived 50 miles away in my home town where my 80 year old dad lives with her 2 children age 3 and 5.  Anyway after seeing her every single weekend for only a few months, I decided to leave my job for another in my home town and move in with her. She told me she'd always wanted to be with me ever since she met me. She has BPD, had a lot of personal issues. Past traumatic relationships, but had worked on herself and went to therapy. She has 2 children with 2 different dad's, one in her life, one not. I honestly couldn't at the time see my life with her. She was never really good for me, toxic arguing and passive aggressiveness. Toxic past. No friends/family around.  But as I started to see her more we formed a connection and I really started to fall in love with her. She was like a drug. She gave me comfort and I needed it. Over time so many happy memories were made. We started to grow a bond and a connection on so many levels. She got healthier, so did I. But but there were also a lot of arguments, some highly volotile, and one night ended with me being physical with her after she was physical with me, and she broke up with me.

This shocked me as I didn't want to be on my own and felt like I had fallen in love with her over time but hadn't fully realised it and the wrong I'd been doing. After weeks of pleading and apologising to her she decided to get back with me. From then on things got slightly better but it was still very up and down in different areas. She wanted a baby. I wasn't truly happy. I never was, before being with S and during. Still I carried on, switching jobs, not knowing what I wanted to do, just taking each days as it comes. I ended up becoming a father to her 5 year old whos dad was never around. I fell even more in love with S and loved everything about her but I still wasn't happy. Wasn't happy in myself, I wasn't happy about certain areas of our relationship. I struggled sexually with her sometimes because of many different reasons. She seemed to struggle sexually sometimes too. Always told me it wasn't my fault just her body. Something just felt off sometimes. However the other half of the time it would be great and we'd both say how amazing it was. It would be on and off, sometimes great sometimes not, very inconsistent. We argued about lots of things, whats fair whats not. Sometimes silly things. When we argued she would get really crazy sometimes, hitting herself, slamming doors. Hitting walls. She enraged me at times too and I ended up saying hurtful things at times. Not very nice things, that our relationship is a joke etc. We argued more and more and a cycle of breaking up and getting back together started and we ended up saying that if it happened again, that would be it, we would have to split up. It was a cycle that wasn't healthy for anyone. And i knew we were not right for eachother, but I loved her and SS5 and I kept believing things will be better.

So one day I left after a argument, and she suddenly texts me saying she doesn't want any of it anymore and wants to be on her own. It doesn't work. Her feelings have changed. Etc. I was shocked and heartbroken to see this over text and went back and pleaded her that things could get better. How could we throw away what we have and our life together? All the special times we've had? Obviously I was in panic mode again. I would lose everything. My whole world. She and now SS5 meant everything to me. Over the course of our relationship i sold all my belongings to move in with her, I'd realised I actually want the life and the baby she pleaded me for for months but was I too scared to commit to having a baby. Now all of a sudden she doesnt want it anymore and blocks me on social media. From that day onwards I'm scared, alone, abandoned, unwanted, unloved, alone. I become obsessive, stalker like. Somebody i never thought i could become. I resort to making multiple accounts to start conversation with her and reconcile. She would talk for a while on one of the the accounts and some things I would say would make her feels things and she would drop hints that some part of her wants a life with me. But then hours or the next morning she would shut me down and block me again and I would make a new account. I'd message her again and we'd go back and forth with me trying to convince her that we are good together and I can change and make her happy but none of it was going through. She apparently didn't believe any of it. She said she couldn't get over some of the things I said. And didn't feel love for me like she used to anymore. And it's not fair on her the kids or me. She was cut off from me completely. This drove me into a real panic as I realise I've pushed my soul mate away from me for good. I went off the rails. I started drinking more. Smoking weed again. Spent every bit of money I have left and ended up going to her apartment in the middle of the night after I'd got too drunk 3 weekends in a row pleading her to get back with me. Absolutely wrong and pathetic I know. After the third time I went over, the next day she texts me saying she's reporting me to the police, rightly so, and to not go anywhere near her ever again. That I'm harrassing her. And that she's dropping my things off in the next couple days and then we are done, and she wants to move on with her life. This has broke me, partly because only 3 weeks ago she was telling me how much she wanted a life with me and a baby with me. Now I want all of that she doesn't want it anymore. It also broke me because I was the person she loved dearly, and weeks later I become the obsessive, stalking ex boyfriend, something I thought I could never let myself become.

I can't get over how much love she showed me so recently and how it's all disappeared so suddenly. All the happy memories we shared. The little things we did. We did everything together. Knew everything about eachother. Had baths together, pampered eachother, comforted and loved eachother and made eachother feel special. A year and a half we spent together. We told eachother that we were soul mates only weeks ago and said that the bond between us would never die even if we split up. But it did, so quickly for her. She was speaking to other guys on dating apps days after we broke up. She went to the club a week after we broke up (hadnt been to a club in 4 years), she had another man over her flat a week or so later and now she's reported me to the police for harassment. I just don't know how to process any of it. Obviously I am not going to try and contact her what so ever anymore as I know what I've done is not right.  I just cant stop my mind from thinking about it all from the minute I wake up to the minute i go to sleep. I can't eat anything at all, I've gone off food completely since she left me, I've survived on milk and biscuits for the last week because I can't stomach eating any food. I really don't know what to do. I've very underweight now, I've got no job, I'm living with my 80 year old dad which is difficult and I've got no other friends or family around. I've got no money to eat properly. I can't focus on anything i used to enjoy, I'm very depressed, I don't even like myself, mostly because of the wrong decisions I keep making and how low I let myself fall to get myself into this position. I have bad social anxiety mostly because I don't even know myself. 26 years old and I know know who I am. Getting help from a doctor in my area is a nightmare, and then they'll just try a random antidepressent.

Everywhere I go in this small town I'm reminded of her and the life I had and I'm stuck here. I feel very depressed and I'm trying so hard to get my self worth back and try to stop reminiscing over how wonderful the good times were with her. I'm trying to focus on the positives but there arent really any in my life without her. She's also stopped me from seeing her 5 year old who now sees me as his dad. I feel like I've lost my whole life. I wasn't even happy before I met her and now I'm even worse off and she's the only answer to happiness I had in life. I've lost everything. Every minute of everyday no matter what I try and distract myself with I can't get her and everything that's happened off my mind. I can't stop thinking about how I took it all for granted and now have nothing again. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me, obviously I am depressed, and have made the wrong choices. I just wish I knew what to do

As others are saying, sounds all so, so familiar. Perhaps not as extreme in my case, but very, very similar.

I highly recommend that video someone suggested. The lady REALLY know what she's talking about. She captures the dynamics from beginning to end perfectly.

Just sit and listen to it. Take notes. Listen again. Take more notes. Start to shift your thinking. I know this is hard. I've been working at it a long time, but it slowly works.