Crossing the Line - Exiting the Theme Park Entirely

[OKrunch]

So I have date number three with the woman I have been seeing tonight. I'm really excited and I have been enjoying the time we have been spending together. It has been eye-opening to see the pace at which normal relationships are supposed to start. We have not had any discussions about relationships or exclusivity or anything like that, we're just kind of enjoying the time we're spending together.



With each day of no contact that passes, I worry a little bit more about when my ex is going to come sniffing around to find out what's going on in my life. I've never been good at maintaining no contact, so I know actual periods of Silence from me will seem strange.

I'm sure whatever pretext for reaching out she's going to have is going to involve the dogs, maybe the house, or she might just stop by my work like she did 2 years ago when we were broken up.

Anytime that we don't talk for an extended. Of time, one of the first things she asks me is if I'm seeing anyone. She did it back in November, And she did it more than once during our first break up.

Yet I have been screamed at as invasive and inappropriate when I've asked the same question.

It makes me nervous to get into any sort of new relationship.

I know it will still be a long time before contact from her gives me no emotional response.

I've never wanted to separate like this before, during our entire break up last time I wanted to get back together and I stayed single.

These are odd Waters that I've never swam, and I'll admit that I'm pretty nervous about it.

I'm going to be moving soon, and I'm sure she'll notice that when the camper is gone from my work parking lot.

I know I shouldn't be worrying about what she's thinking or what she might do or think, but it's just damn hard not to.

[OKrunch]

Oh. And ex's birthday is Tuesday. I've never not said something or given her something on her birthday.

I don't like how it's approach feels.

[OKrunch]

Woke up feeling awful today. I don't know why her birthday approaching tomorrow is driving me so nuts.
Temptation to reach out is pretty bad today and I know it will be tomorrow. Not that I should know this, but she's pretty much gone into dark mode as far as social media is concerned.

I don't get why I keep switching back and forth between being happy that we don't have contact and missing it, and wanting it.

I worry that a new relationship would be boring.

Mostly I guess I just need to admit that I really miss her today and I don't want to not hear from her.

I was painted white very temporarily at the beginning of january. I'm trying to wrap my head around that and understand how and why that happened so fast.

[cranmango]

I hear you friend. I just went through that last week with my ex’s birthday. Your heart is still catching up to your head.

Can you make plans for tomorrow? Something to stay busy?

[OKrunch]

We're getting a Nor'Easter . Ill be in full hermit mode tomorrow.

I had an awesome weekend, which involved seeing other people, and it went well.

Yet, I still wake up, 6 months from Discard, Living in a damn camper, and I still miss her.
Hoping she will reach out. Yet, knowing what will happen if she does and I reply.

WTF.

[cranmango]

Milestones (birthdays, holidays, etc) bring the feelings back. We are grieving the end of our relationships. Grief is nonlinear, and it takes time to work its way out of our system.

If you feel the urge to reach out to her, read some of your earlier posts instead. Remember all the events that led you here.

If you feel the urge to reach out to her, reach out to someone else instead. Call a friend, talk about the weather, anything to take your mind off it for a moment.

If she reaches out to you, remember that you do not have to respond.

Tomorrow is just a Tuesday. It feels big right now. But this time next year, it will feel like just another day.

[OKrunch]

Yea, I should know. Ive been through one major discard already that lasted 9 months. She's sticking to her seasonal pattern pretty well here. Its the next few months that concern me.

[BigEasyHeart]

Ive been through one major discard already that lasted 9 months.

Really? Wow. Were you NC that whole time? What happened to end the discard?

Hang in there. I know it's rough right now but it sounds like you are doing a lot of good things to take care of yourself.

[OKrunch]

Really? Wow. Were you NC that whole time? What happened to end the discard?

Hang in there. I know it's rough right now but it sounds like you are doing a lot of good things to take care of yourself.

We were together from Oct 2019 to Nov 2020 - She split on me hard, kicked my son and I out (we had moved in together at the start of Covid, March 2020) And went right into rebound mode with a guy from December 2020 to June 2021.
We were in touch throughout that period.

I think the longest we've ever been fully NC has been about 6-8 Weeks, Dec/Jan of 2020/21 and More recently, We split in much the same way at the End of Sept. (after getting engaged in June) We were NC All of Oct and into Nov.
All the details are in my other thread in the "fixing" forum.

8/10 times im usually the one who has reached out, but she was the one to do so after both those longer stretches of NC.

[BigEasyHeart]

We were together from Oct 2019 to Nov 2020 - She split on me hard, kicked my son and I out (we had moved in together at the start of Covid, March 2020) And went right into rebound mode with a guy from December 2020 to June 2021.
We were in touch throughout that period.

I think the longest we've ever been fully NC has been about 6-8 Weeks, Dec/Jan of 2020/21 and More recently, We split in much the same way at the End of Sept. (after getting engaged in June) We were NC All of Oct and into Nov.
All the details are in my other thread in the "fixing" forum.

8/10 times im usually the one who has reached out, but she was the one to do so after both those longer stretches of NC.

Wow, it really sounds like you've been through it. It sounds like you're on the path to a better place now though my friend. I know it's tough as I'm around 6 months apart and it is still difficult for me. It is much better than it was at the beginning but I still feel like I have a ways to go.

[OKrunch]

Wow, it really sounds like you've been through it. It sounds like you're on the path to a better place now though my friend. I know it's tough as I'm around 6 months apart and it is still difficult for me. It is much better than it was at the beginning but I still feel like I have a ways to go.

Im feeling much the same. I get to move in a few weeks. New Home, New Start.
I endured a hell of an Autumn and Winter, Spring and Summer are looking much better.

[BigEasyHeart]

Funny, same here, hopefully I'll be moved into a new place in April. I hope it all works out!

[cranmango]

Hey OKrunch—how’s the Nor’easter so far?

[Go3737]

My STBXW's birthday was this past weekend. I had her and the kids (and grandchild) over to my new apartment for a birthday dinner, the first get together since our breakup.
It was a fun time actually. Everyone behaved.
However after they all left, leaving me to clean up the place, I broke down for a few minutes. How could she do this to us? We were best friends for 40 years. The last one was horrendous with her constant drunkin rages.

Over the spring we separated for 3 months in which time I remained totally single. Now I started dating. I've been out with one very nice woman twice and a third date is pending. Yes Ex wife asks regularly if i am seeing someone. It's none of her business.

Everyone says I should be happy. Why dont I feel that way?

[OKrunch]

Length warning hahah - I've got a lot on my mind today, and im stuck inside with the snow, so I'm dumping my brain out here.           

CranMango - Nor'Easter is Rippin' - Already accumulated more than I had expected. Surefire plan to get trapped inside with my invasive thoughts on Ex's BD (When All I'd TRULY like to be doing is being curled up at home with her the kids and the dogs)

It was a fun time actually. Everyone behaved.
However after they all left, leaving me to clean up the place, I broke down for a few minutes. How could she do this to us? We were best friends for 40 years. The last one was horrendous with her constant drunkin rages.
Over the spring we separated for 3 months in which time I remained totally single. Now I started dating. I've been out with one very nice woman twice and a third date is pending. Yes Ex wife asks regularly if i am seeing someone. It's none of her business.
Everyone says I should be happy. Why dont I feel that way?

Go3737 - I couldn't agree more. This is my 2nd Major breakup with her. The first one, I stayed single, and she IMMEDIATLEY got into another relationship, and for months dealt with what I now know was textbook triangulation, for MONTHS. Then she finally left him, and we got back together. This time around, she did the same thing, but didnt make the relationship "public".
Here I am now, 6 months after major discard #2, and ive gone out with a really awesome woman 3 times, and we hooked up last weekend. Shes really great, i like her, were communicating well and the pace is HEALTHY. Yet i Still found mysefl driving home after our date last weekend, comparing her to my ex. Thinking Ex and I have more in common. More shared views, hobbies, opinions.

 However, Here I am still waking up on EX's Birthday wishing for nothing more than a text from her. Just an update, a hello. Even though I was reeled in, recycled, discarded and scammed YET AGAIN back in January.
She still hasnt paid me what I am owed.
She used my care, kindness and concern for her own gain and manipulation.
Yet, i STILL MISS HER.

knowing the cycle would repeat, I still miss her.
Knwowing we would fight and scream. I still miss her.
Logically I know its a bad situation. Emotionally I dont care.

Other days I am resolute, and I refused to be treated this way, and am glad things are done.
Im so tired of the mental back and forth, on her end, and on my own.

I wish I could just be indifferent. wish her well, and not care what she does or if i ever see her again.
but every damn thing reminds me of her, in a good way.
I have to force myself to think of the bad stuff, but the happy memories fly around my head all day, every day.

Im SO AFRAID of her falling in love with someone else (even though I know it wont work out in the long run, or theyll be fighting, and misrable)
It crushed me to think of some othe knob snuggling my dogs.
relaxing in my house.
enjoying OUR  yard.
it makes me F***** sick to think about.
Yet my mind reminds me of these facts EVERY 30 DAMN SECONDS.

I am going to go rip out about 100 pushups and crunches, get my endorphins going.
I took some anxiety meds, and im going to try and just zone out and enjoy winters last gasp.

Not reaching out today is going to be so damn hard.
Please help keep me strong.
Remind me why she doesn't deserve as much as a "hi" from me on her Bday.

Krunch is Krushed today :'(

[OKrunch]

I am going to post one of the most recent messages from my Therapist here. I need to remind myself of these words, and more importantly, I think these words can help a lot of the rest of you folks.

"You will miss her. You guys had a strong connection and unfortunately, BPD partners tend to create those connections with their love bombing and they tug at your heartstrings. It can create a very tumultuous relationship as they suck you in and they do it in a very intense way, so when they decide that you are the terrible one, it hits like a ton of bricks then the push and pull dynamic starts. And this cycle continues until they recognize that they are the common denominator and seek and most importantly, PARTICIPATE, in treatment. (EX's NAME) is not there yet. Even though it feels shi**y and it sucks missing the person that they were when they were mostly regulated, it is more healthy for both you and her to be done. As time goes on and you begin your fresh start, the memories will not have as much of an impact and you'll be able to sit with them more objectively rather than be filled with all the emotions all at once."

[tina7868]

Hi OKrunch!

It sounds like you have a lot thoughts pulling you in different directions. It can be difficult when your head and your heart are in different places. Your journey here in this community, filled with honesty and growth, is an inspiration. It's okay to feel however you feel. Be compassionate with yourself, and remember that feelings pass, and they tend pass more quickly when you accept them instead of fighting them.

Remind me why she doesn't deserve as much as a "hi" from me on her Bday.

Keeping yourself as your priority, what would it bring you to text her? Would it bring you peace, or negative feelings? Sending a message could include many components beyond writing out the words. There can be anxiety involved in waiting for a response, and then feelings regarding the content of the response itself. There is a lot of power in making intentional decisions.

Rooting for you

[OKrunch]

Hi OKrunch!

It sounds like you have a lot thoughts pulling you in different directions. It can be difficult when your head and your heart are in different places. Your journey here in this community, filled with honesty and growth, is an inspiration. It's okay to feel however you feel. Be compassionate with yourself, and remember that feelings pass, and they tend pass more quickly when you accept them instead of fighting them.
Keeping yourself as your priority, what would it bring you to text her? Would it bring you peace, or negative feelings? Sending a message could include many components beyond writing out the words. There can be anxiety involved in waiting for a response, and then feelings regarding the content of the response itself. There is a lot of power in making intentional decisions.

Rooting for you

Thank you TIna!
Im honestly relying a bit on selfishness right now.
I know reaching out would just surrender my power, and inform her I am still available.
Silence is loudest, and it's not something I've ever stuck to long.
Things are different this time.

[Couscous]

I would like to encourage you to consider attending an online SMART Recovery meeting or an SLAA twelve step meeting today. I think these could really help in your recovery.

https://www.smartrecovery.org/
https://slaafws.org/onlinemeetings/

[cranmango]

OKrunch—still here, still rooting for you. Agree with what others have said. Hold onto your power. You will get through today, and tonight. Tomorrow will be a new day.

[OKrunch]

I'm doing pretty good, my "gut feeling" intuition has been pretty bonkers all day since about 1pm though. Dunno why. Spidey Sense is tingling.

[Pook075]

I'm doing pretty good, my "gut feeling" intuition has been pretty bonkers all day since about 1pm though. Dunno why. Spidey Sense is tingling.

I'm still lurking as well buddy, just haven't had anything particularly insightful to share lately since you're doing a pretty good job of sticking to NC. 

Today's her birthday, right?  How are you handling it?  I know you don't want to reach out and are fighting it.  And a part of you probably expects that she'll reach out.  How will you handle it if she doesn't?  Maybe thinking it through ahead of time will help you prepare for disappointment either way.

[OKrunch]

I'm still lurking as well buddy, just haven't had anything particularly insightful to share lately since you're doing a pretty good job of sticking to NC. 

Today's her birthday, right?  How are you handling it?  I know you don't want to reach out and are fighting it.  And a part of you probably expects that she'll reach out.  How will you handle it if she doesn't?  Maybe thinking it through ahead of time will help you prepare for disappointment either way.

I think its more along the lines of part of me is hoping that not hearing from me on her birthday will elicit some sort of response from her, whether or not i actually hear from her.
Im not expecting her to reach out, at least not for another month or so.
I think once she knows Ive moved she might get too curious.
I always thoroughly enjoyed getting her birthday gifts, shes a fun and interesting person to shop for.
I bought her a gift well over a month ago, an antique copy of a book. I plan on just reading it myself.
Last time we verbally spoke (3 weeks ago), she called me a leech. So im not terribly inclined to give her a birthday gift.

[Pook075]

I think its more along the lines of part of me is hoping that not hearing from me on her birthday will elicit some sort of response from her, whether or not i actually hear from her.
Im not expecting her to reach out, at least not for another month or so.
I think once she knows Ive moved she might get too curious.
I always thoroughly enjoyed getting her birthday gifts, shes a fun and interesting person to shop for.
I bought her a gift well over a month ago, an antique copy of a book. I plan on just reading it myself.
Last time we verbally spoke (3 weeks ago), she called me a leech. So im not terribly inclined to give her a birthday gift.

I do that too a decent bit, wondering if she doesn't hear from me, will it make her think or feel a certain way? 

I don't think it works like that with BPD though.  For instance, my daughter had two kittens she wanted to keep but couldn't because she was 9 months pregnant.  So my wife volunteered for us to take them, with the thought that our kid would want them after all down the road.  So we did, and my wife left me within a week or two of this incident.

Long story short, every time my wife came over, she's like, "Oh, look at the cute kittens!"  She'd run to them, hold them/hug them, play with them, etc.  Yet once she walked out of the room, I guarantee you that she didn't think about the kittens again until the next time she saw them. 

I have a strong suspicion that our ex's don't think about us except when they have to.  They just compartmentalize the self-induced trauma and forget about us, until something else comes up and they need us.  Or maybe until they see us again.  I do not think they're going thru what we're going thru though because they move on so easily and replace us with a new favorite person.

[OKrunch]

It all depends if reminders pop up i think. When I went over the house in January, she had put away anything that would be considered memorobilia or a reminder of me.
She throws things away, migpies them away in drawers, etc.

When she came back and we got back together in 2021, she was chock full of reminiscent memories and things that made her think of me.
For her, it all really depends on her external stress levels (these cause her to isolate, or be social) and if she is lonely.
So if stress is low, she needs company, if stress is high, she isolates, and if in a R/S and stress is high, she pushes away and villifies.

At least from what ive seen

[OKrunch]

She Just sent me a text.

"Hi. I hope you are doing well. I don't want to fight and I apologize for how Gruff my stress has been. I got my tax return this evening so I sent $1000. On the 30th I can send the rest"

If you look at the message I last sent her on Monday of last week, I told her to only send $700, which would square the balance she had been arguing about. I was also worried she hadn't seen that because I was blocked.
Clearly I was, because she would've only sent $700.

NO COINCIDENCE SHE MESSAGED ME ON HER BIRTHDAY

I have not replied yet.

[cranmango]

Hoo boy. It’s not about the money, not really. Think before you act. You do not have to respond at all.

[OKrunch]

Im taking time to think and chill before I do any responding, if there is even responding to be done.

I do want to be square with money, and not have anyone (least of all her) thinking I stiffed them or didnt pay my dues.

[cranmango]

Agreed, and I did not mean to sound dismissive of your concerns about money. She clearly owes you, and should pay you back what she owes.

But you’re right, the timing here isn’t a coincidence. It’s a pretext to reach out and see if the attachment is still there.

[OKrunch]

Agreed, and I did not mean to sound dismissive of your concerns about money. She clearly owes you, and should pay you back what she owes.

But you’re right, the timing here isn’t a coincidence. It’s a pretext to reach out and see if the attachment is still there.

I didnt take it as dismissive at all, but thank you for clarifying.

She's fishing for info, a Happy Birthday, and probably would eventually ask if im seeing anyone, but that's speculation on my part.