Crossing the Line - Exiting the Theme Park Entirely

[cranmango]

It’s taken me a long time to realize that my uBPDex mostly reaches out to reassure herself that I’m still here. It’s never really about me. It’s never about whatever she says at the surface. It’s reassurance. And when I do respond, she gets that reassurance from me and disappears again.

I respond a lot less these days. For her sake, I hope that she can learn to self-soothe.

[OKrunch]

I replied - "Thanks, Its ok, i Understand. Don't worry about that other $600, we're square.
Thanks, and Happy Bday"

She just replied

"Thanks"
"Good Luck. Be Well"
_______

I read a number of other peoples recycle experiences and the repeated "goodbye" "Good luck" "Be Well" seems to be a common thing they do.
Anyone else experience that?

[Pook075]

I replied - "Thanks, Its ok, i Understand. Don't worry about that other $600, we're square.
Thanks, and Happy Bday"

She just replied

"Thanks"
"Good Luck. Be Well"
_______

I read a number of other peoples recycle experiences and the repeated "goodbye" "Good luck" "Be Well" seems to be a common thing they do.
Anyone else experience that?

Good for you.  Feels like a good message as well- you expressed happy birthday like you wanted to and she got rid of some guilt on her birthday.  I'm guessing if you messaged that this morning, she never would have sent the money.

At least you got some closure and got paid...that's a win.

[OKrunch]

She messaged again this morning. I havent yet replied.

"I'm doing well, taking it one day at a time and enjoying the small wins when i get them. I hope you are doing well also"

All i said last night was "thanks, You too"

Shes asked me twice in 24 hours How I am doing.
I was under the assumption you very much didnt care Dear.

[Pook075]

She messaged again this morning. I havent yet replied.

"I'm doing well, taking it one day at a time and enjoying the small wins when i get them. I hope you are doing well also"

All i said last night was "thanks, You too"

Shes asked me twice in 24 hours How I am doing.
I was under the assumption you very much didnt care Dear.

Be careful, she didn't ask how you're doing...she said that she hopes you're doing well.  Not the same thing.

[OKrunch]

Well, im done texting, so i guess its moot.
Yes, Pook, she didn't directly ask. She never does. Always hints at things instead,

[Couscous]

Shes asked me twice in 24 hours How I am doing.
I was under the assumption you very much didnt care Dear.

Your assumption is likely accurate. Her reaching out it just part of the game. If she did care about you, or if she had any empathy, she wouldn’t toy with you the way she has been.

But her not caring about you is not a reflection of your worth as a human being. Just because she doesn’t love you doesn’t mean you are unlovable.

[SinisterComplex]

Your assumption is likely accurate. Her reaching out it just part of the game. If she did care about you, or if she had any empathy, she wouldn’t toy with you the way she has been.

But her not caring about you is not a reflection of your worth as a human being. Just because she doesn’t love you doesn’t mean you are unlovable.

I'll be more definitive in saying the assumption is spot on and add in not only is it a part of the game it is ultimately narcissistic as well. Why? The asking how you are doing sounds innocent enough and like there is some caring involved, but that is by design...it is ultimately disguised as a vehicle to elicit a response from you just to validate her and show she still has control.

^^^Sometimes this is tough to hear for people, but unfortunately this is more common than many people want it to be.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

Im sure that was it for now.
I don't imagine ill hear from her again for some time. A month at least id say.

[Couscous]

Im sure that was it for now.
I don't imagine ill hear from her again for some time. A month at least id say.

So what do you think it might be that is preventing you from blocking her?

[OKrunch]

So what do you think it might be that is preventing you from blocking her?

If anything happens with the dogs. The possibility of mail showing up at her house.
I am still technically on the lease.
So, business crap, to answer your question.

[Pook075]

Im sure that was it for now.
I don't imagine ill hear from her again for some time. A month at least id say.

The problem here is that you keep anticipating when she'll reach out, which means she's still in control of your feelings and emotions.  Somehow you have to break that bond to let that go.

Quick story.  I met my half-brother (same dad, different birth moms) for the first time in our 40's.  Both of us were adopted, but couldn't have grown up more different.  He's always had anger management problems, etc. and had a "hood mentality"...if you insult him, he's coming at you and he's probably going to end up in jail.  That's the story of his life- good enough guy at heart, but explosive temper.

After finding him thru a DNA site, I found out he was homeless in Florida.  Brought him up to my state and helped him turn his life around. and he was doing well until my BPD daughter picked a fight with him over something dumb.  Words were said, they both got heated, then she threw a coffee cup at his head.  Then he completely lost it and probably would have killed her if my BPD wife and I weren't home.

We got them separated, I took my brother since he was the bigger of the two, and I'm trying to talk him down.  He'd calm some and then you'd see something click in his head, where he'd repeat what she said/did and want to go after her all over again.  And I finally said, "Look, she's crazy.  Why do you value a crazy person's opinion?  Do you think she knows you better than you know yourself?  Because your anger is validating her words- your actions give her words power and prove them to be correct."

And just like that, all the anger faded from him.  He realized I was right- why defend yourself from someone else's lies that are said only to provoke you?

From that day forward, my brother's life changed.  Someone would insult him, he'd start to get angry, catch himself, and then laugh in their face while he walked away.  He'd say something like, "You're an idiot and a bad person- why would I care what you think of me?"

Since my wife left, since I found out about her BPD, etc., I often find myself going back to that conversation and asking myself why I don't follow some of the best advice I've ever given.  I no longer care what she's thinking, what she's doing, or what she says about me.  Chances are, it's not truthful and I refuse to validate it with a reaction or a response.

That's my advice to you as well- stop worrying about what your ex may or may not say, do, think, etc.  I know it's very hard, but there's a reason why you don't want to return to that relationship.  That should be your priority here, remembering that bad people don't deserve your validation.

[OKrunch]

The problem here is that you keep anticipating when she'll reach out, which means she's still in control of your feelings and emotions.  Somehow you have to break that bond to let that go.


That's my advice to you as well- stop worrying about what your ex may or may not say, do, think, etc.  I know it's very hard, but there's a reason why you don't want to return to that relationship.  That should be your priority here, remembering that bad people don't deserve your validation.

Pook, Yes, I am still anticipating that. I cannot honestly say i fully don't want this relationship. Just not anytime soon. It would need so much work and time.
That said, Im working on breaking that bond.
Im surprised at how much my emotions stayed calm yesterday when she reached out, and again this morning.
That wouldve sent me into an anxious tailspin 2 months ago.
I asked a lot of questions and scrutinized it a lot, but my heart wasnt pounding in my throat all day.
I said what I did because she is such a habitual creature.

Im happy with the fact that I didnt ask about her "Small wins" or really any other tidbits of conversation.
Im open to talk with her, but im not carrying the conversation. If she wants to talk about more than clerical crap, she will.
Otherwise, Im just doing me

[Couscous]

I cannot honestly say i fully don't want this relationship.

So this is probably what is holding you back. Understanding the reason for this is quite likely what you will need to get to the bottom of if you are ever going to be able to exit the theme park — and this may entail needing to get assistance from a therapist or from a 12 step recovery group. Wishing you all the best.

[Pook075]

Pook, Yes, I am still anticipating that. I cannot honestly say i fully don't want this relationship. Just not anytime soon. It would need so much work and time.
That said, Im working on breaking that bond.
Im surprised at how much my emotions stayed calm yesterday when she reached out, and again this morning.
That wouldve sent me into an anxious tailspin 2 months ago.
I asked a lot of questions and scrutinized it a lot, but my heart wasnt pounding in my throat all day.
I said what I did because she is such a habitual creature.

Im happy with the fact that I didnt ask about her "Small wins" or really any other tidbits of conversation.
Im open to talk with her, but im not carrying the conversation. If she wants to talk about more than clerical crap, she will.
Otherwise, Im just doing me

I agree with Couscous- you're not out of the theme park quite yet.  Maybe you're out in the parking lot, but you still haven't pulled away.  I think you're doing great though compared to a month ago, you've made a lot of progress and self-growth. 

And I'm right there in the parking lot with you...knowing it's time to leave, but still glancing back and not driving onto my next destination.

[OKrunch]

I Agree. The birthday and contact were setbacks, and started easing in some old habits, and I have you all to thank for keeping me honest with myself about what this is.
I got excited about contact that was strictly business. It was foolish.

[OKrunch]

I wanted the conversation to continue and it didnt. It sucks, and its why i need to stop having those conversations in the first place.

[Couscous]

This might help give you the impetus to exit for good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8wylByoCMs

[cranmango]

I wanted the conversation to continue and it didnt. It sucks, and its why i need to stop having those conversations in the first place.

Exactly. If each interaction is giving you hope for something more, it is bound to cause more hurt and disappointment.

I’ve been on those ride so many times with my uBPDex. Every random text message gave me hope that we were reconnecting,  but it never went anywhere. And they are still with my replacement. Getting my hopes up every time and then having them dashed was causing me serious hurt. I had to break the cycle. So I stopped responding. It’s only been a couple weeks and there’s a part of me that feels really guilty. But at this point I have to protect my heart from further damage.

[Pook075]

Exactly. If each interaction is giving you hope for something more, it is bound to cause more hurt and disappointment.

I’ve been on those ride so many times with my uBPDex. Every random text message gave me hope that we were reconnecting,  but it never went anywhere. And they are still with my replacement. Getting my hopes up every time and then having them dashed was causing me serious hurt. I had to break the cycle. So I stopped responding. It’s only been a couple weeks and there’s a part of me that feels really guilty. But at this point I have to protect my heart from further damage.

It's funny, isn't it?  You feel guilty for not responding.  But if you do respond and it doesn't go well, you feel like a failure.  No matter what you choose, it seems to backfire on our subconscious. It reminds me of that 80's movie War Games where at the end, they realize the only way to win is by not playing the game at all.

What gets me through this most days is remembering that I'm dealing with a sick individual that can't be relied on.  For me, compassion for her is a lot more calming than anger and hate.  While it's fun to hate, it's just not productive so I try to avoid it.

[OKrunch]

Okay, so I got confirmation that I'm getting my apartment in 2 weeks. I've got a lot to focus on and a lot to say in this post, then my goal is to really switch my full focus on my now home, life and moving forward into an awesome summer.

Firstly I want to say thank you to everyone that has joined me here on the detaching post, when I first started posting here I didn't really want to be here. I still wanted her back fully, in some ways I still do,  but thanks to all of you I have a much more rational view of the situation now.

She messaged this morning, "Hey, I know you asked about the  dogs a couple days back and I never got back to you. I haven't quite been sure how to approach things like that with you so I wasn't sure how to answer. I don't have to go to work for another half an hour you can call and chat if you'd like"

I'll admit that I hesitated for quite a while, I got up made a cup of coffee, went out for a cigarette. Then I called her.

The conversation started off nice enough, she told me funny stories about the dogs, some of which she had told me before. She doesn't seem to remember the things she tells me a lot of times lately.  I eventually asked how things with her daughter had been going, she went on to tell me more stories she had already told me, and then mentioned how she had been getting her daughter into therapy and was looking at a different School Etc. She seemed so genuinely stressed out over it but seemed like things were improving.

Then she began over there questions about me, asked me if I had found an apartment, where I would be moving, I told her that nothing was set in stone and I didn't know what the deal was with the apartment but I was looking somewhere about a half an hour away. She went on to ask me about my son, and then complained about her daughter's father a bit. She said things like "I never wanted you guys to be homeless" "I would've prefered if we could have figured something out, but look how long its been that you havent found a place. We would have driven eachother nuts, its good your boss gave you a place to live"
I replied "A camper in a parking lot without my normal custody of my son is hardly a place to live, but I am making the best of it"
 Finally the conversation switched to our level of communication, during all of the previous conversation she was mostly in a good mood got upset a few times when talking about her daughter. It seemed like she had been crying before we got on the phone as well which I thought was odd. However once we began talking about the way that we've been communicating lately, basically not communicating I could tell she got a little guarded. She also mentioned she stopped going to therapy/psyc.  because she couldnt afford it.

Then she asked me the following question " would you still be okay talking like this if you knew I was seeing someone",  to which I promptly replied "No".
 I will admit my own weakness here, because the next thing out of my mouth was "Why, Are you seeing someone?"
 to which she replied that she was,  I said "oh okay,  well I hope you have an awesome day and a great weekend"
She got pissed and cut me off, saying i was only fishing to see if she was single, then asked me if I was seeing anyone, I said I had been on some dates.
She then called my hypocritical, because I had proposed continuing to talk, and I could talk while I was seeing someone but she couldnt talk to me when she was seeing someone. Said I had double standards and called me a liar.

Long story short - She flipped out when I said I had gone on dates.
Rules for me but not for thee.

Admittedly I did not respond very well to my character being attacked and being called a hypocrite and a liar, I told her that if anything she was the hypocrite because what she was getting angry about was exactly what she did in January knowingly for weeks on end. I also called the guy she was dating "Another cardboard cutout replacement, don't call me when you get bored and ruin this one too". Not my proudest moment.

She probably said goodbye and that she would never speak to me again about a hundred times each and then told me to be well about 50 times.

When I told her that she was being hypocritical she simply said I understand your view on it and will not continue to defend my opposing view.

I said that's fine and that I hope that she was happy and that things went well for her. I said goodbye, and to be kind to the dogs. (Im going to miss them SO DAMN MUCH)

I blocked all social media I could, that she didnt already have blocked on her end, blocked her phone number and deleted it.
Everything will always be my fault. Her life will ALWAYS be in shambles. She will always have some new assache, and woe be to the man who can't automatically solve every problem (Such a human doesn't exist)
twice in my life now she has robbed both my son and I of a roof over our head, I have had to couch Surf and Scramble for a place to live.  That crap is never going to happen again.

Looking at myself: I Did really good  with no contact from September through most of November. The exception being when she contacted me about the pregnancy thing. It was not until late December and into January that we started spending time and hanging out, and I've really struggled since then. I had been thinking of it as her just being unsure of things and getting cold feet, but that was straight up a recycle. It was very quick recycle. She got bored with the guy she was seeing after she left me stopped seeing him and found somebody else right when her and I were hanging out. So I was just a Band-Aid for her loneliness in between two other people. Ever since January I have been struggling with no contact and struggling with my emotions yet again. I've been trying to think about where my resolve in October came from, and I'm going to find it and tap back into it. This phone call certainly helped because it was so God damn ludicrous. She was crying when she called me because she was upset that she hadn't spoken to me and then I might be mad. She just wants me to stay sitting on my nice little shelf waiting.

The cognitive dissonance is really such a crazy thing, well I think most BPD exes will spend a lot of time dwelling on the reasons that they devalued and discarded and split black, all of the negative things recur and Bubble Up and remind them of why they made the decision that they did. I on the other hand have the opposite problem, the memories that bubble up for me are the happy ones. The ones that make me want to stay, I remember  Dr Jekyll a lot easier and a lot more frequently than I remember Eddie Hyde.  It really is fascinating and frustrating to see the difference in how different brains are wired and how they recollect things differently.

This morning's conversation was the last example of her self-serving behaviors that I think I needed to see.

Everything else in my life is turning around. My job is going well I finally found a place to live, I'm getting my custody back. I just paid off my car, my credit score is improving, I'm dating healthily and long awaited spring has arrived.

I recognize that these Behavior patterns and relationship types are an addiction I have and I am not going to feed it any longer.

Vae Victis

[OKrunch]

It's funny, isn't it?  You feel guilty for not responding.  But if you do respond and it doesn't go well, you feel like a failure. 

Like you failed in your chivalrous duties right? Its quite the dichotemy. I totally relate

What gets me through this most days is remembering that I'm dealing with a sick individual that can't be relied on.  For me, compassion for her is a lot more calming than anger and hate.  While it's fun to hate, it's just not productive so I try to avoid it.

I agree Pook. I have times when i get angry, but I dont hate her. Can't, it would be like hating a child for an emotional outburst. They cant help it, but i don't need crap like that in my life either. I struggled with the "In sickness and in health" clause for quite a while, we were engaged, How could I just give up on her, even though she gave up on me?
Well, that only lasts so long.

It took me so long to see how much she triangulates. It's quite astonishing how blind we can make ourselves.

[Pook075]

This morning's conversation was the last example of her self-serving behaviors that I think I needed to see.

Everything else in my life is turning around. My job is going well I finally found a place to live, I'm getting my custody back. I just paid off my car, my credit score is improving, I'm dating healthily and long awaited spring has arrived.

Hey buddy.  It's good that you got a little closure this morning and I'm not going to comment on that because there's some clear mixed messages in there- the push/pull is clearly still obvious.  I honestly think I'm lucky that I've barely talked to my ex over the past 5 months.

I did want to comment on everything else though- the job, the apartment, the new potential girlfriend, getting custody, etc.  It's your choice on what to focus on in life- the negative past, or a very positive present.  You're doing awesome overall and your ex does not have to define you anymore.  

I'm sure you miss her, just like I miss my wife, and that's normal.  It just doesn't have to define your mood and emotions anymore.

[OKrunch]

Hey buddy.  It's good that you got a little closure this morning and I'm not going to comment on that because there's some clear mixed messages in there- the push/pull is clearly still obvious.

I'd love to hear your two cents on this, man

But thank you, yes. Forward facing all the way

[Pook075]

I'd love to hear your two cents on this, man

But thank you, yes. Forward facing all the way

Well, she baited you with the boyfriend line, then used it to probe on whether or not you were dating.  I imagine that sent her into a tailspin to realize that she wasn't the center of your universe still.  It's just sad, really.  You have feelings for her, she has feelings for you, but the BPD game is still being played.  We can all relate.

[OKrunch]

Well, she baited you with the boyfriend line, then used it to probe on whether or not you were dating.  I imagine that sent her into a tailspin to realize that she wasn't the center of your universe still.  It's just sad, really.  You have feelings for her, she has feelings for you, but the BPD game is still being played.  We can all relate.

You're spot on Pook. the change in her tone of voice tells me she was not expecting me to have gone on dates, and I would still be waiting for her.
Yes, Queue up some Forigner on the Jukebox, because I for one am done with the Head Games.
its taken me a long time to get to the point of blocking her, but I needed to do it.

[Rev]

You're spot on Pook. the change in her tone of voice tells me she was not expecting me to have gone on dates, and I would still be waiting for her.
Yes, Queue up some Forigner on the Jukebox, because I for one am done with the Head Games.
its taken me a long time to get to the point of blocking her, but I needed to do it.

Well done Crunch... You're growing in leaps and bounds.

Rev

[OKrunch]

I just got another message, via email this time saying goodbye.

Sent ✌️ in reply, which feels snarky now. But I was pissed.

[Red5]

OKrunch wrote//

Everything will always be my fault. Her life will ALWAYS be in shambles. She will always have some new assache, and woe be to the man who can't automatically solve every problem (Such a human doesn't exist)

 BINGO

Red5

[OKrunch]

She still sent more messages,

"My phone was on work silent mode from 9-5, I just wanted you to know I wasnt ignoring you"

... she was emailing me at 415pm?

I can make no sense of this.

Was being told I'm seeing someone this much of a surprise? I'm so confused.