About to break up after 45 years with BPD wife.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and I have been married over 40 years. I am almost 80, she is 70.  I am certain she is a high functioning pwBPD.The situation has gone down hill in the last 5 years as she is gradually pulling away from me and periodically locks herself in half of the house and we have no communication for weeks, sometimes months. She says I sufficate her and control her. I looked back over our marriage and almost every major decision made was what she wanted. Not to have kids, then to have kids. Her getting two higher degrees that she never used, starting a small retail business, wanting to spend time in her home country so I created a new aspect of my job so we could go there every year, and then bought a house there to live in part of every year. Then she wanted to sell our house and move to another state so we did, and then she wanted to move full time to her home country and pretty much cut off our kids in the US. Then she wanted to split our assets up the middle so we did. For decades we lived mainly off my salary and she had full access to it always. But once she started doing a couple of cottage rentals on our jointly owned land overseas she cut my access to that money off, even through the property was half mine. There is much more and it goes on and on but over time she cuts me out of her life as she goes about dissolving our marriage bit by bit. Her mother was a tyrant and the same issues she had with her mother are now getting replayed and triggered in her relationship with me. All decisions she wanted made and she says I smother her. She has conflict with most people and it is always their fault. She won't even consider a therapist to check for BPD and when I mentioned it in the past she said she wanted a divorce because I mentioned it and that I needed to get a therapist to look at my childhood and wouId not talk to me or read my emails or be in the marriage anymore until I worked out my problems in therapy, which, outside of the control issue, were generally vague and non-specific. Her twin committed suicide, was never married or every had a boyfriend, lived alone most of her life and had my conflicts and problems. She also had most of the traits of BPD as did her mother, and possibly another sibling did as well. My wife says she is working on herself doing tapping and the Iching and affirmations written on large sheets of paper that are spread around the room. I sent her a Kindle book on DBT but she did not read it. We have been together so long and it is very late in our lives  to split up or begin long-term therapy but I am at a loss at this point. She recently cut one of our children out of her will because she dislikes his wife. What to do?

[DROZ]

My wife and I have been married over 40 years. I am almost 80, she is 70.  I am certain she is a high functioning pwBPD.The situation has gone down hill in the last 5 years as she is gradually pulling away from me and periodically locks herself in half of the house and we have no communication for weeks, sometimes months. She says I sufficate her and control her. I looked back over our marriage and almost every major decision made was what she wanted. Not to have kids, then to have kids. Her getting two higher degrees that she never used, starting a small retail business, wanting to spend time in her home country so I created a new aspect of my job so we could go there every year, and then bought a house there to live in part of every year. Then she wanted to sell our house and move to another state so we did, and then she wanted to move full time to her home country and pretty much cut off our kids in the US. Then she wanted to split our assets up the middle so we did. For decades we lived mainly off my salary and she had full access to it always. But once she started doing a couple of cottage rentals on our jointly owned land overseas she cut my access to that money off, even through the property was half mine. There is much more and it goes on and on but over time she cuts me out of her life as she goes about dissolving our marriage bit by bit. Her mother was a tyrant and the same issues she had with her mother are now getting replayed and triggered in her relationship with me. All decisions she wanted made and she says I smother her. She has conflict with most people and it is always their fault. She won't even consider a therapist to check for BPD and when I mentioned it in the past she said she wanted a divorce because I mentioned it and that I needed to get a therapist to look at my childhood and wouId not talk to me or read my emails or be in the marriage anymore until I worked out my problems in therapy, which, outside of the control issue, were generally vague and non-specific. Her twin committed suicide, was never married or every had a boyfriend, lived alone most of her life and had my conflicts and problems. She also had most of the traits of BPD as did her mother, and possibly another sibling did as well. My wife says she is working on herself doing tapping and the Iching and affirmations written on large sheets of paper that are spread around the room. I sent her a Kindle book on DBT but she did not read it. We have been together so long and it is very late in our lives  to split up or begin long-term therapy but I am at a loss at this point. She recently cut one of our children out of her will because she dislikes his wife. What to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chief Drizzt]

Sorry to hear about this - but I gotta give you props for hanging in there with her for 40 years!  I’ve been with mine for 33 though the PBD traits didn’t become noticeable until the last 6 or 7 years.  Makes me wonder if it is something that can get worse over time. 

I just learned about BPD from my daughter and knew nothing about it until very recently.  One thing I have been told is not to tell your pwBPD that you think they have it - that it does more harm than good. They say its best left to a therapist to do that - but I gotta say my wife sees both a therapist and Psychiatrist and neither has told her they think she has it yet - and so I’m wondering if its every going to get broached by them.  I don’t know how a person can get over something if they don’t even realize they have it. 

[Go3737]

I am in the middle of divorcing my BPD/NPD/Alcoholic wife of 39 years.

it's not easy but I now have peace.

[Chief Drizzt]

I am in the middle of divorcing my BPD/NPD/Alcoholic wife of 39 years.

it's not easy but I now have peace.

Just curious - does your wife have a job or a way to support herself.  What happens to her when you guys go your separate ways?