The forging of The Path

[Depression = 72% of members]

Since my original post is still locked, and I am trying to have a completely new outlook on things I figured I'd just start a new thread.



I have been in my new apartment for a week, and it definitely helps. I still find myself waking up angry pretty often. It now takes less time to regulate that mood. This is the longest stretch of no contact we have had since October.

It really goes to show how effective some of the emotional programming they can do, even if it is subconscious, can be. Every day that goes by without contact makes it harder and harder to not reach out. I think about it less often throughout the day, but when I do the desire to reach out is more and more intense.

I am legitimately waiting to see what she does next, I'm waiting for the temp check. I know it's coming, it might be in a week and it might be in a year, and I know I just need to let sleeping dogs lie.



I have been very conflicted on the topic of blocking her. On the one hand I do not want to  project the image that I am bothered or upset by anything, so I don't want to block her.

I also struggle with what result blocking her might actually have, will it trigger a fear of Abandonment in her and cause the temp check to be sooner? Or will it solidify her opinion that she made the right choice and keep her away for longer?
 I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her to reach out. Part of me wants her to reach out because I miss her, the other part of me wants her to reach out because I feel like it would be cathartic to learn that I had at least some of my power regained. I know it sounds manipulative to say so, but having some leverage in the situation would help me feel a lot better about being able to make my own choice and take my own path.



Lastly, the last time we spoke, about 3 weeks ago now. There was brief mention of things that she still has of mine at the house. Most of these things I don't care about, but there is one item of sentimental value that I would like to have back. However I do not want to reach out, I do not want to ask her if I can have them. I swear to God she keeps little items so she always has a reason to reach out. She did that a lot during our previous breakup, although she admittedly had already started those behaviors this far into that breakup, and she has not done so so far.

[OKrunch]

Since my original post is still locked, and I am trying to have a completely new outlook on things I figured I'd just start a new thread.



I have been in my new apartment for a week, and it definitely helps. I still find myself waking up angry pretty often. It now takes less time to regulate that mood. This is the longest stretch of no contact we have had since October.

It really goes to show how effective some of the emotional programming they can do, even if it is subconscious, can be. Every day that goes by without contact makes it harder and harder to not reach out. I think about it less often throughout the day, but when I do the desire to reach out is more and more intense.

I am legitimately waiting to see what she does next, I'm waiting for the temp check. I know it's coming, it might be in a week and it might be in a year, and I know I just need to let sleeping dogs lie.



I have been very conflicted on the topic of blocking her. On the one hand I do not want to  project the image that I am bothered or upset by anything, so I don't want to block her.

I also struggle with what result blocking her might actually have, will it trigger a fear of Abandonment in her and cause the temp check to be sooner? Or will it solidify her opinion that she made the right choice and keep her away for longer?
 I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her to reach out. Part of me wants her to reach out because I miss her, the other part of me wants her to reach out because I feel like it would be cathartic to learn that I had at least some of my power regained. I know it sounds manipulative to say so, but having some leverage in the situation would help me feel a lot better about being able to make my own choice and take my own path.



Lastly, the last time we spoke, about 3 weeks ago now. There was brief mention of things that she still has of mine at the house. Most of these things I don't care about, but there is one item of sentimental value that I would like to have back. However I do not want to reach out, I do not want to ask her if I can have them. I swear to God she keeps little items so she always has a reason to reach out. She did that a lot during our previous breakup, although she admittedly had already started those behaviors this far into that breakup, and she has not done so so far.

[OKrunch]

My therapist seems to be of the mind that a recycle or "temp check" is unlikely, but she also said "I dont know her or her habits very well."

I mentioned my ex wife is the Non-recycling "Salt the earth behind her" type.
And that EXBPD has a pretty solid history of recycles.
With me, her daughters father, and a few others.


Which camp do your ex's fit into ? "Earth Salter" or "Recycler" ?

[OKrunch]

After what was probably far too much consideration, I have decided to finally go and block all of her contact methods.

Ive blocked before, only to unblock it.

Ive left it open hoping for her to reach out.
Im closing that door. THe false hope is hurting me

[cranmango]

That sounds like a very reasonable decision. Remember that blocking her is a way to protect yourself from further damage. In  an earlier post, I noticed you speculating what effect blocking might have on her—that’s backwards. Blocking is for you, not her.

One day at a time.

[OKrunch]

That sounds like a very reasonable decision. Remember that blocking her is a way to protect yourself from further damage. In  an earlier post, I noticed you speculating what effect blocking might have on her—that’s backwards. Blocking is for you, not her.

One day at a time.

that would make sense if she was making any attempts at contact.
I obviously wanted to know what effect it might have, but I am aware that the blocking would have been for me, and is.

It makes me want to look at stuff. Search social media.
I found out she has like 5 snapchat accounts. they just keep popping up.

I WANT her to reach out, never gonna lie about that.
IDK, im still afraid if I do block, she will want to reach out, found ive blocked her, and not actually reach out.

this is so damn conflicting and confusing.
The song lyric i posted a while back is so on point.

"I hate you so, but love you more, IM SO ELASTIC"

[SinisterComplex]

That sounds like a very reasonable decision. Remember that blocking her is a way to protect yourself from further damage. In  an earlier post, I noticed you speculating what effect blocking might have on her—that’s backwards. Blocking is for you, not her.

One day at a time.

I will echo cranmango here, but go one step further and expound upon it...

Blocking isn't just for you, but setting boundaries is for you. This is where many people mess up the idea of boundaries...they put up boundaries with the intention it is for others and that is where they fail. Boundaries are for YOU. So go at this idea about the blocking that it is a boundary for you to help you heal and grow.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

I will echo cranmango here, but go one step further and expound upon it...

Blocking isn't just for you, but setting boundaries is for you. This is where many people mess up the idea of boundaries...they put up boundaries with the intention it is for others and that is where they fail. Boundaries are for YOU. So go at this idea about the blocking that it is a boundary for you to help you heal and grow.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

I fully agree with this sentiment. I keep finding out more and more deceptive things she did. I know Ill never be able to trust her again, but there is still part of me that is terriefied to never speak to her again, or never see my dogs or her daughter again. Its damn terrifying.
I know its whats best for me in the long run, but right now, its a very hard descision.

[Turkish]

Blunt talk here, mano-a-mano...

Is that more terrifying? Or the fact that she punched you and you put her into a headlock? One or possibly both of you could have been arrested. We've seen this again and again over the years... past violence is a predictor for future violence. We've also seen members arrested or have RO's issued even towards the person who didn't initiate. A former moderator had a TRO issued against him even though he already has his own against his stbxw against whom he had evidence of no reciprocation on his part, recordings and everything.

We've also seen partners who initiated TROs violate them and the target get into trouble by engaging. These things can be serious, life-changing events.

[OKrunch]

Blunt talk here, mano-a-mano...

Is that more terrifying? Or the fact that she punched you and you put her into a headlock? One or possibly both of you could have been arrested. We've seen this again and again over the years... past violence is a predictor for future violence. We've also seen members arrested or have RO's issued even towards the person who didn't initiate. A former moderator had a TRO issued against him even though he already has his own against his stbxw against whom he had evidence of no reciprocation on his part, recordings and everything.

We've also seen partners who initiated TROs violate them and the target get into trouble by engaging. These things can be serious, life-changing events.

Firstly, i absloutely see your point.
Second, please let me quote my previous post.
"The headlock thing she mentions was a day she punched me, and i held her down in defense of myself.
It always gets brough up, and her punching me is rarely mentioned."
I held her down, she used the word Headlock. Not me. I just wanted to clarify that. I have not and would not put hands on anyone, excepting TRUE self defense. I didn't put her in a headlock, I wasn't in any danger.

Lastly,
I will Copy/Paste the last message to my therapist earlier today, after a very illuminating conversation with a friend.

"I think im in the middle of a breakthrough moment right now. I put snapchat on my phone to talk to another girl, EXBPD has, like, at least 4 accounts that have popped up so far. The amount of shady stuff is mounting to un-ignorable levels. 1.) She got a new phone number last spring, and i assumed she shut off the old one. NOPE. 2.) Her old Instagram and Facebook accounts are still active, despite having made "new" ones years ago when she got sober. 3.) mutliple snapchat accounts. 4.) I can recall several instances where she told me "Go ahead and look at my phone anytime, you know the password" - (Because any shady stuff would be on the other phone) 5.) The several guys i KNOW ABOUT and all the triangulation. Since June of 2019 she has gone from DAUGHTERS dad, to dating, to me, to MAN I KNOW, then REBOUND #1, then Me again, then who knows since (2 im aware of).
 6.) she cut my son away like an old scab. HE IS 8. SHe did this TWICE. even after we both told both the kids it WOULDNT happen again. 7.) The gaslighting. The antagonistic behaviors. IM SWEARWORDS DONE. It hurts, I miss Jekyll, I really truly do, and I love her, but Ive finally realized that Hyde is the true persona. It hurts, It sucks, hell, its a SWEARWORDS tragedy. Jekyll is really incredible, but shes just an onion skin. what a SWEARWORDS waste, and a shame. I feel like all the amazing memories i have arent even real anymore."

Im sure the pendulum will try to swing back to sympathy again, but it feels like the rose colored lenses are really coming off.

Im not even angry right now. Resolute would be a better word. Mornful, but resolute.

[Turkish]

Im sure the pendulum will try to swing back to sympathy again, but it feels like the rose colored lenses are really coming off.

Im not even angry right now. Resolute would be a better word. Mornful, but resolute.

This is a good place to be in the detaching process which is still very fresh for you. 

Not to belabor the point, but never underestimate the power someone can assert to make major trouble for you.

My ex got a TRO against her husband's twin brother because she was scared of him. Her H was desperate, maybe too much, to bring him into the family. She locked herself in her car and called the cops crying. BIL ran off. H was likely foolish and in heightened emotions when the cops showed up. He ended up cuffed and a little beaten and charged with resisting arrest. I heard later that those charges were probably dropped.

In a later incident, they got in a row, yelling. He threw change at her. When he wouldn't stop arguing and leave (the shared apartment, he wasn't legally obligated to), she punched him hard enough to bruise her hand. She showed me two days later.   "I should call the cops!" He said, but then left. He should have. They did all that in front of our kids, but that's another story...

It's all too easy for these situations to spiral out of control.

[OKrunch]

there were a few leftover belongings of mine at her house. Honestly, not even worth the hassle of getting them.

The dogs is one of the hardest things, but that will fade.
I had an amazing chat with my son this morning. He really helped me put things into perspective.

"I lament the many times that thou impuned my honor,
and maintained that it was ever something I had done.
No more shall I live that way,
Uncertain what thy words beray"

[OKrunch]

trying to fight against the ego.

I never got closure, twice. I want her to miss me, want me, realize she threw away her best option.
I want her to reach out, and athough i know the actual realtionship is dead, I still want that closure. that validation.
Like, its been really sticking in my head that she said "I have wanted to leave you since July" back in October.
We had an amazing summer, and despite a few fights, we were happily planning our wedding, and our future toether well into the end of August.
Then the anniversary of her grandmothers death was approaching, and arrived on Sept 20th and it was like she just DIED and became this monsterous fight machine for most of september. Everything was my fault. My son became too much of a burden. She layed into triangulating me with other guys even before the breakup. Talking about the guy at her Jujitsu classes, flirting with my friend. All to cause fights and justify her need to leave.
I realize now how many of the fights were manufactured, and simply to support her narrative that our relationship was toxic.
It wasnt, until she made it so.
Like a werewolf, or someone with two personalities.

Yet again, it boils down to Jekyll and Hyde.
Always.

[OKrunch]

Yet another weekend approaches where I will be alone, in my new place, shunted away, while she lives her life, with her new boo, and out dogs and house. Enjoy the weather, ya treacherous liar.

[cranmango]

OKrunch—still here, still reading, still rooting for you. The hurt and resentment you describe all makes sense. If your ex is anything like mine, “living her life” means causing a lot of hurt and chaos while running from her actual problems. I still miss my ex deeply. I think a part of me will always care for her. But I’m also grateful for the quiet moments these days.

How is the new place so far?

[OKrunch]

OKrunch—still here, still reading, still rooting for you. The hurt and resentment you describe all makes sense. If your ex is anything like mine, “living her life” means causing a lot of hurt and chaos while running from her actual problems. I still miss my ex deeply. I think a part of me will always care for her. But I’m also grateful for the quiet moments these days.

How is the new place so far?

New place is good, I think a lot of the jealousy and frustration ive been feeling is due to how long its been since we've been in touch. I think part of me expected her to continue to orbit around, and her not doing so is abnormal, and it makes me nervous that its well and truly dead.

I am trying to enjoy the new things in my new area. Exploring the local parks and forest walks, might go to the climbing gym soon, as there is one nearby.

We always had the same custody schedule with our ex's, so when I dont have my son, i know she doesnt have her daughter.

Knowing im stuck alone on the same weekend she is off pretending we never existed together still stings.

At 7 months, and this being the 2nd major discard in our relationship, I truly fee llike a sucker sometimes still.
"normal" people dont stay attached this long, especially after having been treated how I was, on several occasions.
It makes having a positive self image difficult.

[cranmango]

Local parks, forest walks, climbing gym—all good things. Keep exploring your new area. And be open to meeting others, too. Making new acquaintances and friends. The ‘gaps’ you feel right now will fill in over time. It is slow and painful. But they will fill in.

I hear you about custody schedules. Same here. I know that on my ‘off nights,’ my ex is also not parenting. That would have been our date night. And now she’s with someone new. Those thoughts hurt like hell the first few months. The pain has started to dull.

Your ex does not define you. That relationship does not define you. It is a piece of your history, but only a piece. A ‘chapter’ in a much longer story.

I know you know all this, but sometimes it helps to hear it again. And it helps me to type it, so I can remind myself, too!

[OKrunch]

Had a good weekend, and a good date night on Sat.

THe spidey senses are calming.
Im waking up angry less often.

Spring is here and life is good.

[tina7868]

It's nice to read that you had a good weekend

[OKrunch]

Spidey senses back in full swing today.
We havent talked in weeks, and my mood has been more stable.
However today has been rife with "Gut feelings", waves of anger and some resurgent jealousy.

I have been keeping busy, and the thoughts still intrude.

It really feels like she is having a crappy day and I am feeling it in my guts.
My therpaist said "you need to be vigilant, I believe she will find some pretext to check in and see if you are still attached after some time of silence. If she hasn't reached out to touch base by the end of June ill be surprised."

So, theres that...

[tina7868]

Spidey senses back in full swing today.
We havent talked in weeks, and my mood has been more stable.
However today has been rife with "Gut feelings", waves of anger and some resurgent jealousy.

I have been keeping busy, and the thoughts still intrude.

I think it's normal for feelings to come in waves as you describe. This too shall pass. Be kind to yourself, your thoughts aren't you. Let them go, and hang in there.

My therpaist said "you need to be vigilant, I believe she will find some pretext to check in and see if you are still attached after some time of silence. If she hasn't reached out to touch base by the end of June ill be surprised."

So, theres that...

How has blocking her made you feel? Where is your head at?

[Pook075]

Spidey senses back in full swing today.
We havent talked in weeks, and my mood has been more stable.
However today has been rife with "Gut feelings", waves of anger and some resurgent jealousy.

Hey buddy, glad you made a new thread...was wondering how the new apartment was for you.

I remember those feelings all too well- I'd string together 3-4 good days in a row and then <wham>, I couldn't stop thinking about her the next day.  Why?  How?  I don't know, that's just the way love works I guess.  It's not normal how these relationships end.

Look, there's no rules for this.  If you want to reach out, then reach out.  If you want to block her, then block her.  Nobody gets to tell you the right or wrong way to do things, because none of us know for sure.  Just don't beat yourself up over it.  She's sick and you're worried to the point where you are as well; you have to let that stuff go and accept that she's gone.  As hard as it may be to hear, you are much better off without her.

[OKrunch]

I think it's normal for feelings to come in waves as you describe. This too shall pass. Be kind to yourself, your thoughts aren't you. Let them go, and hang in there.

How has blocking her made you feel? Where is your head at?

It has prevented me from looking at social media, and that has helped me be less frequently in my head.

I still can't shake this feeling that "it isnt done"
I know how i felt 7 months into my divorce, and It was nothing remotley so attached as this. Something is not letting go somewhere.

[OKrunch]

Hey buddy, glad you made a new thread...was wondering how the new apartment was for you.

I remember those feelings all too well- I'd string together 3-4 good days in a row and then <wham>, I couldn't stop thinking about her the next day.  Why?  How?  I don't know, that's just the way love works I guess.  It's not normal how these relationships end.

Look, there's no rules for this.  If you want to reach out, then reach out.  If you want to block her, then block her.  Nobody gets to tell you the right or wrong way to do things, because none of us know for sure.  Just don't beat yourself up over it.  She's sick and you're worried to the point where you are as well; you have to let that stuff go and accept that she's gone.  As hard as it may be to hear, you are much better off without her.

Last time I did reach out, which was weeks ago, she expressly asked me to give her space and not reach out, so I haven't.
I do feel more at peace.
A woman I have been hanging out with occasionally whipped out some red flags last night, and we had a bit of an argument.
I immediately put up boundaries, and was polite but firm about it.
Even just something resembling similar arguments EXBPD and I had, like, immediately triggered me.
I told her I was not comfortable with the line of conversation, and left.
While it felt good to recognize a dnager zone, and set a healthy boundary, the fact that it felt like "arguing with her again" and how much it triggered my emotional response was very telling.
I will be taking a break from dates, and being much more circumspect with the choosing of them in the future.

[Pook075]

Last time I did reach out, which was weeks ago, she expressly asked me to give her space and not reach out, so I haven't.
I do feel more at peace.
A woman I have been hanging out with occasionally whipped out some red flags last night, and we had a bit of an argument.
I immediately put up boundaries, and was polite but firm about it.
Even just something resembling similar arguments EXBPD and I had, like, immediately triggered me.
I told her I was not comfortable with the line of conversation, and left.
While it felt good to recognize a dnager zone, and set a healthy boundary, the fact that it felt like "arguing with her again" and how much it triggered my emotional response was very telling.
I will be taking a break from dates, and being much more circumspect with the choosing of them in the future.

LOL, I sort of had the opposite (yet similar) experience.  I started meeting women online and met someone I really liked, we laughed nonstop while talking and everything was going good.  But after about a week and a half, she asked me to marry her and she had that look in her eyes...she was completely smitten.  I didn't know this gal at all and she didn't know me, so I sort of saw all the warning signs we talk about here.  I had no idea what to do because she was obviously had some type of mental illness.

So I tried to gently distance myself and it quickly escalated to a stalking sort of thing.  I blocked her on the app, but within 24 hours she found my phone number and my home address.  We've never met in person because she's not local, and she now insists that we're getting married even though I have said over and over again that I don't even know her.  I've also blocked her and she keeps finding ways to reach out.  It's almost comical and I can't wait for her to meet a new guy to obsess over.

The sad part is that I really like her...I just didn't fall in love the first week we met, LOL.  Thank God I never met her in person.

[OKrunch]

LOL, I sort of had the opposite (yet similar) experience.  I started meeting women online and met someone I really liked, we laughed nonstop while talking and everything was going good.  But after about a week and a half, she asked me to marry her and she had that look in her eyes...she was completely smitten.  I didn't know this gal at all and she didn't know me, so I sort of saw all the warning signs we talk about here.  I had no idea what to do because she was obviously had some type of mental illness.

So I tried to gently distance myself and it quickly escalated to a stalking sort of thing.  I blocked her on the app, but within 24 hours she found my phone number and my home address.  We've never met in person because she's not local, and she now insists that we're getting married even though I have said over and over again that I don't even know her.  I've also blocked her and she keeps finding ways to reach out.  It's almost comical and I can't wait for her to meet a new guy to obsess over.

The sad part is that I really like her...I just didn't fall in love the first week we met, LOL.  Thank God I never met her in person.

POOK! Holy Hell buddy!
What a story, yea, thats alarming.
The girl I saw did not really react well to me setting boundaries, and I am so all set with that.
Glad we are both keeping our priorities straight my guy.
The road is hard, but were going.
and that road is getting easier.

[OKrunch]

wow wow wow wow.
the spidey senses are going bananas today.
Another day I am in a great mood, and living my life, and the intuition is SCREAMING at me.

Powering through it.
Not my circus.

[OKrunch]

REALLY missing the woman I love today.
REALLY hating Hyde today.

I miss my dogs.
I dont like dating.

SHE is my ONE.
Low point this afternoon.
I wish i had a time machine.

[SinisterComplex]

REALLY missing the woman I love today.
REALLY hating Hyde today.

I miss my dogs.
I dont like dating.

SHE is my ONE.
Low point this afternoon.
I wish i had a time machine.

So in order for you to move forward this thought of she is your ONE needs work. This particular thought process alone is very toxic and damaging and will keep you running in circles and stunting your growth. I would obviously disagree with your thought she was your ONE. How is that possible with how you were treated? How I see it is that you are settling on that notion and afraid to move on and you also feel you do not deserve better. My friend that is categorically false.

I understand the low points and how you feel, but please do some work to get rid of that trouble thought process and open your mind up to better opportunities and better people. If you do not work on getting rid of this thought process you are going to ruin any potential to find your ONE because you will keep comparing this woman to all and no offense...take the blinders off. If she was all that and a bag of chips you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be in pain and misery.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

Lots off odd intuition feelings lately, not the Normal "Twisties" ive described before.
More of a feeling of built up preassure.

My therapist said she thinks the cracks in EX's "Happy life" are cracking beneath the surface.

Enough about that, Weather is improving. New apartment is great.
I have a social engangement tonight that should prove to be...exciting.

So, other than dark moments alone, mostly first in the morning and late at night, i am doing pretty well.

[Pook075]

Lots off odd intuition feelings lately, not the Normal "Twisties" ive described before.
More of a feeling of built up preassure.

My therapist said she thinks the cracks in EX's "Happy life" are cracking beneath the surface.

Enough about that, Weather is improving. New apartment is great.
I have a social engangement tonight that should prove to be...exciting.

So, other than dark moments alone, mostly first in the morning and late at night, i am doing pretty well.

Good stuff- especially the "exciting social engagement".  Have fun buddy, I'm still rooting for you.

Oh, an update on my stalker!  Last week, she kept asking, "Do you want to marry me or not?"  And I kept saying, "NOO...I've known you for like 2 weeks!"  Finally it clicked, I guess, and she broke up with me (not that we were together, but I let her have the win).  Five days pass and I don't hear from her.  Phew.  But today, she says I'm her best friend in the world and suddenly starts texting me nude photos of herself.

The moral of the story here, when you're dealing with crazy it's never over until it's over.