Analyse and close the file.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I truly enjoy your outlook here. Sometimes I purposely like to sit back and observe and just watch the growth happen with maybe a little nudge here and there, but Pook for you especially...watching you engage with the forum at large you provided yourself your own therapy and you are on the right track.

Runchie, I would say my sentiments apply to you here as well. The way I see it is that sometimes you just need to know that there are others out there listening but observing and allowing you the space and freedom to grow and get your thoughts out. I would ask both of you to go over your own material and see the growth for yourselves. Compare where you were to where you are now. You are your own best teachers. 

So...Atta Boy #bropound 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

There are some glaring differences in how i was 6 months ago vs now.
I was still hoping to reconcile then. I wasnt sleeping well, and i was constantly furious.
Now I am confident in myself, a bit lonely but otherwise fine.
The MAIN difference is the fact that I have finally valued my own self respect over her "Love", because it isnt love, its transactional attention needs.

Pook - I own my attitude and my own behavior. I have not caved to desires to act vindictivley and out of petty spite.
That being said, I cannot say i feel the same way as you do.
I gave this human all of my love, trust, closeness to my son, and so much more. I stayed available to her after one majorly life disrupting discard. The 2nd one had me homeless in the dead of winter. Her complete lack of empathy and selfishness is inexusable. It is MY responsibility to continue to manage my anger at the situation and my emotions, but she failed on every opportunity to be a trustworth person. So while I am working to drop my anger for her, it is 100000% justified anger.
Additionally, I can very easily tell the difference between my own anger, and the external incoming emotions that do not belong to me.
She is constantly in strife, angry and has to be fighting with SOMEONE.
I for one, am sick of recieving those emotions, she tossed me aside, and I WILL NOT be there for her to lean of for support when she does eventually reach out to tug on her reigns, and she will, mark my words, and I will be nonesxistant when that day comes.

[OKrunch]

I truly enjoy your outlook here. Sometimes I purposely like to sit back and observe and just watch the growth happen with maybe a little nudge here and there, but Pook for you especially...watching you engage with the forum at large you provided yourself your own therapy and you are on the right track.

Runchie, I would say my sentiments apply to you here as well. The way I see it is that sometimes you just need to know that there are others out there listening but observing and allowing you the space and freedom to grow and get your thoughts out. I would ask both of you to go over your own material and see the growth for yourselves. Compare where you were to where you are now. You are your own best teachers. 

So...Atta Boy #bropound 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

There are some glaring differences in how i was 6 months ago vs now.
I was still hoping to reconcile then. I wasnt sleeping well, and i was constantly furious.
Now I am confident in myself, a bit lonely but otherwise fine.
The MAIN difference is the fact that I have finally valued my own self respect over her "Love", because it isnt love, its transactional attention needs.

Pook - I own my attitude and my own behavior. I have not caved to desires to act vindictivley and out of petty spite.
That being said, I cannot say i feel the same way as you do.
I gave this human all of my love, trust, closeness to my son, and so much more. I stayed available to her after one majorly life disrupting discard. The 2nd one had me homeless in the dead of winter. Her complete lack of empathy and selfishness is inexusable. It is MY responsibility to continue to manage my anger at the situation and my emotions, but she failed on every opportunity to be a trustworth person. So while I am working to drop my anger for her, it is 100000% justified anger.
Additionally, I can very easily tell the difference between my own anger, and the external incoming emotions that do not belong to me.
She is constantly in strife, angry and has to be fighting with SOMEONE.
I for one, am sick of recieving those emotions, she tossed me aside, and I WILL NOT be there for her to lean of for support when she does eventually reach out to tug on her reigns, and she will, mark my words, and I will be nonesxistant when that day comes.

[OKrunch]

feeling fairly stagnant today, and yesterday.
Which, i suppose tracks, as it's the dead of winter.
Things feel locked in place, but I am grateful to at least be locked in a place far more at peace than I was months ago.

I have very very optimistic feelings about spring, and I need to use the time between then and now to work on improving my body and mind, for I feel like my soul is in the right place right now.

But, I do so look forward to spring. I can already feel its energy on the horizon.

[SaltyDawg]

I have finally valued my own self respect over her "Love", because it isn't love, its transactional attention needs.

I really like this perspective of a borderline's so called "LOVE" - they are "transactional attention needs".

Thanks for sharing.

[Pook075]

feeling fairly stagnant today, and yesterday.
Which, i suppose tracks, as it's the dead of winter.
Things feel locked in place, but I am grateful to at least be locked in a place far more at peace than I was months ago.

I have very very optimistic feelings about spring, and I need to use the time between then and now to work on improving my body and mind, for I feel like my soul is in the right place right now.

But, I do so look forward to spring. I can already feel its energy on the horizon.

Good for you brother!  I don't know where you are in the US, but I think we are all ready for Spring to arrive.  I'm in the Southeast and it hasn't been above freezing for two days now.

Philosophically, I also agree though.  I feel like 2024 is going to be an amazing year and I am so excited to see what it brings.  Lots of new beginnings!

[seekingtheway]

I really like this perspective of a borderline's so called "LOVE" - they are "transactional attention needs".

Thanks for sharing.

This really resonated for me too - made me stop and sit with it for a minute, because so much of the relationship with my ex was exactly this. Not all of it, and I feel he had a desire to be there for me, but I don't think he knew how to - it literally isn't in his psyche and emotional development to think that way...

[OKrunch]

Woke up feeling very......distant from the whole thing.
To wake one day feeling like something that has consumed your life for the past year to be all the sudden so much further away is odd.

Though it is kind of refreshing, it is still ON MY MIND, which is where I am trying to get away from.

I think there is a small piece of me that still fears that we will never interact again.
I could go on about how I still occasionally feel betrayed, and that there is still this sense of "we were meant for eachother, how in the 9 hells did this happen, how did we end up here??"

Frequent "Flashes of happy memories" are still a thing.

So not a whole lot different today, other than that subliminal feeling of things being far mor distant.

Ill refer back to what I said about Winter and Stagantion the other day.
I am eagerly anticipating changes, and I just need to be paitent.

[OKrunch]

Missing Dr. Jekyll today pretty hard.

Still so dissapointed that she can't be her "happy self" all the time.

Its truly shocking how they can be two people at once.
I still miss and love the one half of her SO MUCH.
But that other half......Damn. Its harsh.

[OKrunch]

I am still wishing and hoping her relationship fails. - That is unhealthy, I shouldn't care, and I should be content to focus on my own life. I still can't help but feel like my son and I didn't deserve this.

I am still jealous of the new guy, despite not wanting to be in a R/S with her, because of how I have been treated, It still bothers me to have been replaced (several times).

I am still angry I lost so much, and she lost nothing, and seems to not care at all about all we built and lost, and the things that she gained though our relationship that she never even thanked me for.

The established narrative that she did basically nothing wrong, and places the blame for all the MANUFACTURED arguments on my shoulders.

I just want peace. I want to no longer have her, or our time together cross my mind.
I do not still think about my ex-wife this way, why won't it go away with HER too?

I thought my divorce broke me, I had no idea how much worse this relationship would be, both on my life and on my emotions.

When do the invasive thoughts go away?
When do I get to go a day without thinking of it?
I am really starting to doubt my own mental health, and why this addiction cut me so freaking deep.

I just wanted to be a loving husband and father, for the last decade of my life, and all it ever does is blow up in my face.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired, and lonely to boot.

Sorry for the whine session, I miss her a lot today, and I am 1000% pissed at myself for it.
She doesn't deserve this dedication, she doesn't deserve my love, or any rentspace in my head.

I have been trying to tell myself she is dead.
I lost my brother to addiction back in 2014, and I feel guilty because I feel like have mourned this relationship more than my own flesh and blood. This has cut me deeper, messed me up more, and honestly hurts more.
That doesnt seem healthy to me, and I want it to go away.

I wish I had never met her.

[OKrunch]

Is there anything in the "Tools" that is like, a reality check checklist?
I feel like i would benefit from something like a list of questions to answer that would combat the congitive dissonance.

I logically know how toxic of a relationship partner she is, and I can stop and tell myself all the reasons she is abusive.

However when the intrusive thoughts are at play, Its all happy memories, family moments, amazing sex and the plans we shared for a future that will never exist.

I need to do like, pros and cons or something.
Im so mad at myself for being such a clingy weakling right now.

I am still hurting over someone that left me a year and a half ago, and strung me along for an entire year.
TWICE.
What the hell is wrong with me?

[kells76]

Hey OKrunch;

Not sure if you've seen these yet, but in the Detaching board lessons, lesson 2 is about 10 beliefs that can get you stuck. You may have already thought through or faced some of those beliefs, but if not, you could copy the ones that resonate with you, paste them here, and maybe work on them with the group -- could be one approach.

Lesson 3 also stood out to me as a possible "reality check":

How do you detach and process the pain?
Detaching can be difficult. Rationally, we understand that leaving is the healthiest thing we can do now, yet our emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies our struggle and we may feel trapped by our desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you - and our own fears.  Our emotions range between hurt, disbelief, and anger.
 
The tools listed below can help you break away from a partner with borderline personality disorder and they offers suggestions on how to make it easier on yourself and your partner.  There is no quick fix.  This is a painful process.

Sounds close to where you're at, where logically you "get it" that it wasn't a healthy relationship, yet you keep feeling those cords that seem to bind you to her -- the emotional connection. Might be worth a look?

...

It's hurt you for a while. 

[kells76]

I'm also curious if the angry part of you is angry because that's motivation to protect the hurt part of you? Like -- the angry protector wants to shield the hurt aspect of you from damage?

If so, it might be interesting to reframe the "I'm mad at myself for being weak" narrative to "I'm energized and alert to protect the vulnerable part of myself, because I deserve protection". You know yourself best so you'll know if that fits or is off base.

[OKrunch]

Wow. I'm flabbergasted right now.

After getting out of work today, I got home and took a shower and then went to lay down after my shift. The gut feelings came roaring in like a freight train, and I tossed and turned in my bed for a while.

Then my phone goes off, I open it to find a text message full of eighth grade level spelling, vulgarity, and masculine posturing from my ex's current boyfriend.

Apparently a package or some sort of mail showed up at the house today with my name on it. I changed my address a year ago, I have no idea what it might be, but apparently it sent him into a rage.

He continued to berate me via text for about 10 minutes, he sounded like a teenage want to be gangster. Every other word was a swear, and he was trying to tell me to come over so he could fight me. I told him that I would call the police if he contacted me again and then I blocked his number.

I have racked my brain about what mail might have shown up, and the only thing I can think of, is that I took my son to the doctor's office a few weeks ago when he had a cold and they recommended having some covid tests at the house. My doctor did some clickety-clackity on her computer, and told me that I would have some covid tests in the mail. I suspect the doctor's office has my old address on file.

I can't believe how completely childish the string of text I just got was, it reeked of insecurity, anger and triangulation.

Boy what a refreshing reminder of what I don't have to deal with anymore. And if that's the type of guy that she chose to replace me with? I am laughing my butt off.
A lot of his insults were based around the fact that I like to "be the smartest person in the room" which was really odd and specific. For the record I don't, but how do you come up with an insult like that without the other person having talked at length about me.? Oh the triangulation. Good luck buddy. Lol

Anyway, I just called my best friend and we are going to head into the seaport to grab some dinner and a beer at my favorite tavern.

I was pretty damn angry earlier, but honestly now I'm laughing at the whole situation.

[Pook075]

Wow. I'm flabbergasted right now.

After getting out of work today, I got home and took a shower and then went to lay down after my shift. The gut feelings came roaring in like a freight train, and I tossed and turned in my bed for a while.

Then my phone goes off, I open it to find a text message full of eighth grade level spelling, vulgarity, and masculine posturing from my ex's current boyfriend.

Apparently a package or some sort of mail showed up at the house today with my name on it. I changed my address a year ago, I have no idea what it might be, but apparently it sent him into a rage.

He continued to berate me via text for about 10 minutes, he sounded like a teenage want to be gangster. Every other word was a swear, and he was trying to tell me to come over so he could fight me. I told him that I would call the police if he contacted me again and then I blocked his number.

I have racked my brain about what mail might have shown up, and the only thing I can think of, is that I took my son to the doctor's office a few weeks ago when he had a cold and they recommended having some covid tests at the house. My doctor did some clickety-clackity on her computer, and told me that I would have some covid tests in the mail. I suspect the doctor's office has my old address on file.

I can't believe how completely childish the string of text I just got was, it reeked of insecurity, anger and triangulation.

Boy what a refreshing reminder of what I don't have to deal with anymore. And if that's the type of guy that she chose to replace me with? I am laughing my butt off.
A lot of his insults were based around the fact that I like to "be the smartest person in the room" which was really odd and specific. For the record I don't, but how do you come up with an insult like that without the other person having talked at length about me.? Oh the triangulation. Good luck buddy. Lol

Anyway, I just called my best friend and we are going to head into the seaport to grab some dinner and a beer at my favorite tavern.

I was pretty damn angry earlier, but honestly now I'm laughing at the whole situation.

Hey buddy.  Remember that he has been told a completely different narrative of what happened between the two of you, and he's simply trying to "protect his girl."  Personally, I feel kind of sorry for the guy since he has no idea what's in store for him in the near future.

With that said though, if feels like some type of mental illness from him as well.  Stay away, my friend, stay very far away.

[OKrunch]

Hey buddy.  Remember that he has been told a completely different narrative of what happened between the two of you, and he's simply trying to "protect his girl."  Personally, I feel kind of sorry for the guy since he has no idea what's in store for him in the near future.

With that said though, if feels like some type of mental illness from him as well.  Stay away, my friend, stay very far away.

I'm hoping to change jobs soon.
I am most assuredly staying far far far away.

Ive never been more sure of that.

[OKrunch]

The text document I had been using on my computer for the last year to journal my day to day progress got deleted / corrupted. So I am kind of irritated to have lost something i spent so much time tracking.
That said, It almost feels like it was supposed to happen. The shearing off of another thread that kept me tied to the scenario.

Despite my constant efforts to remain centered and keep my mind on other things, the past few days have been rife with nerves and "gut feelings" since the situation over the weekend with her caveman unleashing his insecure anger at me over a peice of old mail.

I still haven't made heads or tails of the emotions I've felt over the last few days.
its been a weird few days.

[Pook075]

The text document I had been using on my computer for the last year to journal my day to day progress got deleted / corrupted. So I am kind of irritated to have lost something i spent so much time tracking.
That said, It almost feels like it was supposed to happen. The shearing off of another thread that kept me tied to the scenario.

Despite my constant efforts to remain centered and keep my mind on other things, the past few days have been rife with nerves and "gut feelings" since the situation over the weekend with her caveman unleashing his insecure anger at me over a peice of old mail.

I still haven't made heads or tails of the emotions I've felt over the last few days.
its been a weird few days.

That really stinks, but unfortunately it happens.  If you start over, back it up online with an app like Google Docs or iCloud.

I do agree though that not much good can come from looking back at the past...other than to see your own progress.  As a writer by trade, I can tell you that the magic comes from the repetition, the actual writing, and its very therapeutic in itself to place your emotions on the page.  So don't stop- keep writing!  You honestly didn't lose anything.

[OKrunch]

Writer by trade?

I have some questions about paths to getting published / Making a living from writing.

[OKrunch]

Steps I have achived.

- I see her for who she is, not who my psyche wants her to be. This includes the good and the bad.
- I can sleep and operate normally each day.
- After way too long, I finally prioritized my own self respect over her transactional "Love"
- I no longer try to think of ways to win her back, or restore or old life.
- I am LOGICALLY totally over this. There is no part of my logical mind that tries to rationalize her behavior or dream of a future that wil not exist.

Steps I still need to achive.
- Intrusive thoughts and flashback memories. These are easily the biggest issue to quell. If this did not happen, I would have peace everyday.
- Remaining Jealousy and Ego wounds. It still bothers me that she downgraded so hard, which shoudn't make me feel "les than" but it still does. I still get angry about the manner of the breakups, the house, dogs, kids etc. These are ego wounds, and nothing else. Losing them doesn't make me less than either, but it still feels like they do.
- Imagining a scenario where she comes back, and I am able to tell her no, ignore her, etc. This is more ego wound at work. There is still a part of me that needs to feel like I've "won". This bothers me because agaim logically, I know this to be a fruitless road. NC is the only thing for us now, so I need to know and accept that. I won't get to get my "Win" and I need to stop imagining that I might.
- General rentspace in my head. I still very often think about missing the good parts and i dissect all our past arguments, looking for BPD signs and flaws in her logic. Again, this is fruitless and is only serving to delay total detachment.

[kells76]

Writer by trade?

I have some questions about paths to getting published / Making a living from writing.

Not sure if you all have seen it -- that would be a perfect topic for our "stump the experts" (non-BPD topic) board. Don't hesitate to post those questions there!

[Pook075]

Not sure if you all have seen it -- that would be a perfect topic for our "stump the experts" (non-BPD topic) board. Don't hesitate to post those questions there!

That works, I'll put something together there on where to start a career and viable income paths.  Thanks Kells!

[OKrunch]

I feel kind of stuck.
I made A lot of progress from October through the winter to now.
However I feel like my progress got halted and stuck over the last month or so.

In every sense of the word, I am logically and cociously over all of this. I don't want to be disrespected, I don't want to be part of the cycle. I've put up with enough, and furthermore, she has been very distant. She is in a new R/S, has been for 6 months, and has not been reaching out, doing any hot/cold BS. I very rarely miss her or anything,

I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, however I do feel still stuck in it.

It is still on my mind everyday, and I am still stuck thinking about when she will resurface and screw all my progress up.
This is one of the last things I need to let go.
I still try to understand BPD, her patterns, I still expect she will pop up again sometime, and am still trying to plan around that.
I need to get to a place where i concern myself with none of these things.
I need to get to a place where she truly has zero impact on my day, and zero presence in my mind.

I am still looking at further changes for 2024 (if this chaotic world allows that)
Hopefuly a new job, a new vehicle, and a much better summer with my son.

I will also recognize that it is the middle of winter, seasonal depression is a thing.
Also, I am quite lonely, and that makes remeniscing on good times easy to do.

I have faith in Spring.

[OKrunch]

Did some more racking of my brain, and using this mostly to journal.

This may be something I have touched on before, but it is at the heart of my journey and stuggle.

It is the fact that I cannot shake the feeling that things are not over.
This is NOT something i experienced with my divorce many years ago.
I believe the reason for this feeling is multifaceted.

Firstly, there is the conditioning or the "Gamblers addiction" at play.
This time last year she was "considering the relationship" and we were hanging out.
She pulled away, then reapproached again in the summer, all tiny recycles.
Of course I was there and very willing to participate.
However, this constant hot cold swap over the course of the last 3 years has made me always expect that there is still some unresolved business with us two.
I have also gotten it into my head that I am and have been (despite my current and frequent status as painted black) her "Best Partner". We stayed together longer than any other relationship of hers, both times, and we always seem to orbit back to  eachother. Although this particular discard does feel fully final. She has kept me blocked on social media longer than ever (over a year at this point). She hasnt made a temp check since September, and seems to be veryyyy much smearing me to her BF and friends. All of which is New"ish" territrory.
I know in my heart that this is just her rolling through her "rolodex" when she hits low points with other partners.
For some reason when she finds replacements, they are my polar opposites.
Machismo type bro dudes, into cars and stuff.
Her and I always bonded over intellect, writing, history, and so on.
Lastly, there is the "gut feelings".
This was YET AGAIN affirmed to me as accurate this past saturday with the whole Mail scenario and her angry BF.
I felt that 30 min before he actually texted me.

Sorry for the run-on-paragraph.
These things combined give me a very strong constant feeling that the cords are still between us, that it will rear its head again in the future (late summer if i were to guess).

As I mentioned in previous posts, I cannot fully say that I do not want this to happen down the road.
My ego still wants this to occur, even if my mind does not.

There is that last piece of acceptance that is really challenging me.
I need to be Okay with, even HAPPY at the idea that I will NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.
Right now, it doesn't feel 100% on that, but hopefully it will soon.

I may not be interested in A R/S with her anymore, and I cannot forgive the things that Ive had to deal with because of her selfishness, but It would taste a Lie to say that I am, right now, 1000% ready to never hear from, speak to or hear her voice again.
Part of me still wants to know I meant something, at least fleetingly to her.
It is Ego.

So, How do we calm our ego's gang?
Inquiring minds want to know!

[Pook075]

It is the fact that I cannot shake the feeling that things are not over. 

Hey buddy.  To be honest, I still catch myself thinking at times, "Well, what if...."

I'm not in love with her.  She hurt me deeper than anyone's ever hurt me before, and she's not sorry she did it.  I cringe whenever she calls, just in anticipation of some demand or hatred that I don't deserve.

Yet a part of my primitive brain still occasionally thinks, "Well, what if..."

Here's the thing though, my wife doesn't get to decide when it's over for me.  I fought the good fight for almost a year, taking her abuse and returning kindness.  Eventually I just realized that I don't want to return to that lifestyle, that relationship dynamic, the constant push and pull.

I decided that it was over.  Not for her or anyone else, but for me.

And yeah, she dumped me 18 months ago.  Reconciliation was never an option...for her.  Now it's not for me either.  That's because I also get to choose, just like you do.

Maybe your ex does eventually come back for another round.  It's not up to her though since relationships take two.  You get a vote and it's perfectly okay if that vote is a 'no'.  You get to decide and take that power back from her.

I need to be Okay with, even HAPPY at the idea that I will NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.
Right now, it doesn't feel 100% on that, but hopefully it will soon.

As I've mentioned in other threads, I talk to my wife almost daily...even though we're divorcing in a few weeks.  I don't have to hate her in order to move on.  And trust me, it would be so easy to hate her, but again...I get to choose for me.

You mentioned ego and how to get over that.  My ego is part of how I moved on, because I deserve to be loved for who I am...without any other stipulations.  I am a better person than how I was treated, I didn't deserve any of that.  So I'm choosing divorce while also choosing a basic friendship for the kids sake.  They're all my active choices and there are certainly boundaries as well.

In Christianity, we're taught to hate sin.  We're also taught to love people, even when they're sinners.  Especially when they're sinners.  And to top it off, we're told not to judge.

So how the heck does that work?  It's sort of the paradox here.  I love my wife, I hate what she did to our marriage, and I'm not holding it against her anymore.  I've forgiven her and moved on, which allowed me to love her again (as a person) despite her faults.  A relationship with her doesn't even cross my mind anymore because I've chosen to walk away.

Make the choice my friend.  Make the choice.

[OKrunch]

Hey buddy.  To be honest, I still catch myself thinking at times, "Well, what if...."

I'm not in love with her.  She hurt me deeper than anyone's ever hurt me before, and she's not sorry she did it.  I cringe whenever she calls, just in anticipation of some demand or hatred that I don't deserve.

Yet a part of my primitive brain still occasionally thinks, "Well, what if..."

Here's the thing though, my wife doesn't get to decide when it's over for me.  I fought the good fight for almost a year, taking her abuse and returning kindness.  Eventually I just realized that I don't want to return to that lifestyle, that relationship dynamic, the constant push and pull.

I decided that it was over.  Not for her or anyone else, but for me.

And yeah, she dumped me 18 months ago.  Reconciliation was never an option...for her.  Now it's not for me either.  That's because I also get to choose, just like you do.

Maybe your ex does eventually come back for another round.  It's not up to her though since relationships take two.  You get a vote and it's perfectly okay if that vote is a 'no'.  You get to decide and take that power back from her.

As I've mentioned in other threads, I talk to my wife almost daily...even though we're divorcing in a few weeks.  I don't have to hate her in order to move on.  And trust me, it would be so easy to hate her, but again...I get to choose for me.

You mentioned ego and how to get over that.  My ego is part of how I moved on, because I deserve to be loved for who I am...without any other stipulations.  I am a better person than how I was treated, I didn't deserve any of that.  So I'm choosing divorce while also choosing a basic friendship for the kids sake.  They're all my active choices and there are certainly boundaries as well.

In Christianity, we're taught to hate sin.  We're also taught to love people, even when they're sinners.  Especially when they're sinners.  And to top it off, we're told not to judge.

So how the heck does that work?  It's sort of the paradox here.  I love my wife, I hate what she did to our marriage, and I'm not holding it against her anymore.  I've forgiven her and moved on, which allowed me to love her again (as a person) despite her faults.  A relationship with her doesn't even cross my mind anymore because I've chosen to walk away.

Make the choice my friend.  Make the choice.

I have made the choice, I am just hoping for peace. Relief from the thoughts.
Its the lingering nagging thoughts of
"when will she show up?"
"My gut is telling me something is wrong, is everything ok?"
"Did i ever matter to her?" etc.


I don't want a relationship with her. I don't want to reconcile.
I don't want her half a$$ed explanations or excuses.
I just want peace within my own mind.
To be 150% at peace with everything.
I want to not be haunted by my past.

[Collaguazo]

Hi OKrunch,

I would also like to share some of my observations. I broke up recently with gf after being together 1.5 years.

Regarding your pattern about seasons, I couldn’t say because I live in a country without 4 seasons .

2) Moth to the flame: To my understanding she had a normal childhood, at least that’s what she told me. However, completely  agree how they are attracted to the drama. I once read in a forum from people who suffer BPD that is common to have this urge to create drama either out of boredom, to test limits or to feel in control. Also, most were aware that they were creating drama out of nothing but couldn’t control themselves.

3)Intimacy and closeness: After the honeymoon phase I did notice she became more uncomfortable over time with intimacy and closeness. Sometimes I would hug her and she would physically push me away, almost like a reflex. It was not aggressive, just the feeling of her arms pushing against you. She would also sit down, put her purse on her lap and grab it like she needed protection. I would jokingly tell her can you put down your captain America shield so I can give you a hug?

She didn’t like kissing, sometimes even turning her head when I wanted to kiss her goodbye. And then there was the sex. She was definitely good at it physically but I never felt any emotional connection. Cuddling and foreplay rarely happened. She just wanted a “quickie”. One time, after we had not been intimate for a few weeks, I asked if something was wrong and she screamed at me: I am not your wife! I have no obligation to have sex with you! She kind of saw sex as a transaction.

4) Triggers: You never know what can trigger them but it definitely got worse when she was stressed. She would start lashing out as a way to ask for help, which the she refused when I offered it. I even learned to anticipate, still refuse and later on get angry because basically I didn’t “protect” her.

5) Grudges: when we were arguing it always ended in 3-4 events that no matter how much I apologized, accepted she was right to feel angry or explained what happened, could not let go.

6)Infidelity/back ups: I am fairly certain she cheated on me once but I am a 100% sure she was texting with other guys as back up, not exactly flirting but just doing enough to keep the door open. She even admitted once that it made her feel safe.

7)Splitting: painted white happened each time with less frequency and intensity while painted black was the opposite. This is a common trait in BPD and I don’t know if some idealize and devalue at the same levels over time but in my case towards the end I basically was the guy that ruined her life.

[Collaguazo]

Another thing I would like to add.

8) Anger: It had 3 categories. a) Projecting her flaws and frustrations on me, b) Hurt on purpose with something personal, c) Truth revealing fits of rage (That’s how I learned she met with her ex boyfriend for lunch and kissed him. She later denied that they kissed and that she only agreed to meet because he had some unresolved issues and wanted closure. BS if you ask me.)

[cranmango]

"Did i ever matter to her?" etc.

The relationship was real, and it mattered to you.

I'm 18 months out, and these thoughts still float through my mind, too. I remind myself what I know to be true (I loved her), what I wish was true (that our relationship had been healthy), and what I will never truly know (how she understands what happened).

[Pook075]

The relationship was real, and it mattered to you.

I'm 18 months out, and these thoughts still float through my mind, too. I remind myself what I know to be true (I loved her), what I wish was true (that our relationship had been healthy), and what I will never truly know (how she understands what happened).

I completely agree.  Validate your own participation, not someone else's.  If it was real to you then it was real.

[OKrunch]

The scenario with her boyfriend flipping out of me last weekend has been stuck in my head and really pissing me off.

I am sorely tempted to send her a message politely asking for whatever showed up in the mail for me, my terrarium I've been trying to get back for months, and to tell her tomorrow her frothing neanderthal on a shorter leash.

It's stuck in my head

[once removed]

It's stuck in my head

it wont be, forever.

I am sorely tempted to send her a message politely asking for whatever showed up in the mail for me, my terrarium I've been trying to get back for months, and to tell her tomorrow her frothing neanderthal on a shorter leash.

but if you do this, you are really just acting on your attachment, and keeping attached. it may result in greater drama.

if you genuinely want your belongings back, dont do it with bluster and drama. wait.