Well looks like divorce is finally happening Pt. 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Link back to origin thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356916.0

Question.  First court date coming up.  I have raging videos that might get played.  Attorney said in a couple I am in it just calmly asking her to stop yelling but didn't do anything.

How do you respond to that?  If I had jumped in she probably would have escalated to violence,  and we all know you can't yell and scream back at her.  Don't know how to respond to this if asked.

[mikejones75093]

Link back to origin thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356916.0

Question.  First court date coming up.  I have raging videos that might get played.  Attorney said in a couple I am in it just calmly asking her to stop yelling but didn't do anything.

How do you respond to that?  If I had jumped in she probably would have escalated to violence,  and we all know you can't yell and scream back at her.  Don't know how to respond to this if asked.

[kells76]

Question.  First court date coming up.  I have raging videos that might get played.  Attorney said in a couple I am in it just calmly asking her to stop yelling but didn't do anything.

How do you respond to that?  If I had jumped in she probably would have escalated to violence,  and we all know you can't yell and scream back at her.  Don't know how to respond to this if asked.

Are the kids in the videos?

What is she threatening to do in the videos?

How does your attorney recommend that you comment on the videos?

[ForeverDad]

However, your ex, in her perceptions, has to do typical BPD denial, blaming and blame shifting.  As if, well she may have behaved badly, but you're worse.

I think a response I'd include is "I just want this to be over and get on with my life and parenting."  Back when I first took the stand and her lawyer asked me, "Do you want her back?" I somehow realized I didn't want to confirm his attempt to make me into a controller (I had failed as a 'fixer' of course) so I'm so glad I replied, "Not as she is."

[SaltyDawg]

Question.  First court date coming up.  I have raging videos that might get played.  Attorney said in a couple I am in it just calmly asking her to stop yelling but didn't do anything.

How do you respond to that?  If I had jumped in she probably would have escalated to violence,  and we all know you can't yell and scream back at her.  Don't know how to respond to this if asked.

Be honest, and tell them exactly what you just said, or a well worded version of what you have just described.  Run it by your attorney, and memorize it, and be prepared to answer questions on it.

I am not a legal expert, nor law enforcement; however, I do have some law enforcement training (homeland security), and what you described from a male perspective is the best possible thing you could have done - I am guessing the courts would agree with this.  Let the video speak for itself.  If you are asked why you didn't engage more, tell them if you did more engagement, she would have likely escalated the situation, and your goal was to de-escalate it and remain cool and calm throughout the incident to make the best of a bad situation that your wife put you in.

Less is best when it comes to letting an irrefutable video show what actually occurred.  If you don't know why your wife did something, state as much.  If you only asked her to remain calm, tell the truth that you wanted to de-escalate the situation, and this was the only way you knew how.  If pressed, tell them you are not a trained behavioural specialist and never learned this in school.  If they reword the question, give them the same answer.  Her attorney will do everything they can to trip you up.  The less you give them, the less they can trip you up with.  If the answer is in the video, just indicate that 'the video speaks for itself, and I have nothing to add'.  

Don't overthink this - just stick with the facts.

You got this.

Take care with self care.

SD

[mikejones75093]

Are the kids in the videos?

What is she threatening to do in the videos?

How does your attorney recommend that you comment on the videos?

Yes the kids are in the videos.  She is screaming and cussing them and me, extreme rage.  I'm there saying please calm down please stop yelling.   When she's like that there is really nothing else I can do.  Anything more and she might escalate to violence like throwing things at me.  My attorney is working on it, and I have not heard back yet.  She is assuming they might ask me about that in cross examination.

[mikejones75093]

Be honest, and tell them exactly what you just said, or a well worded version of what you have just described.  Run it by your attorney, and memorize it, and be prepared to answer questions on it.

I am not a legal expert, nor law enforcement; however, I do have some law enforcement training (homeland security), and what you described from a male perspective is the best possible thing you could have done - I am guessing the courts would agree with this.  Let the video speak for itself.  If you are asked why you didn't engage more, tell them if you did more engagement, she would have likely escalated the situation, and your goal was to de-escalate it and remain cool and calm throughout the incident to make the best of a bad situation that your wife put you in.

Less is best when it comes to letting an irrefutable video show what actually occurred.  If you don't know why your wife did something, state as much.  If you only asked her to remain calm, tell the truth that you wanted to de-escalate the situation, and this was the only way you knew how.  If pressed, tell them you are not a trained behavioural specialist and never learned this in school.  If they reword the question, give them the same answer.  Her attorney will do everything they can to trip you up.  The less you give them, the less they can trip you up with.  If the answer is in the video, just indicate that 'the video speaks for itself, and I have nothing to add'.  

Don't overthink this - just stick with the facts.

You got this.

Take care with self care.

SD

Sounds good.   For real she is scary when she gets like that and no amount of talking can get through.  As I tell her to calm down she just cusses at me louder and calls me names.

[ForeverDad]

You may be asked, "Why didn't you leave?"  (After all, that is one of our suggestions.  Take yourself out of the conflict.)

I recall one specific incident when I did try to leave.  My then-spouse was ranting and raging.  I headed to the back door to get away.  She jumped on my back and wouldn't get off!  She was dressing me down and by golly she wasn't going to let me escape.

Depending on what happened when you were in such circumstances, one answer to state could be, "I couldn't leave my kids behind and if I tried she would have become even more enraged."  With the video they would know what actually did happen and they could extrapolate what feasibly would have happened had you done more than hunker down and weather the storm.

[SaltyDawg]

Yes the kids are in the videos.  She is screaming and cussing them and me, extreme rage.  I'm there saying please calm down please stop yelling.   When she's like that there is really nothing else I can do.  Anything more and she might escalate to violence like throwing things at me.  My attorney is working on it, and I have not heard back yet.  She is assuming they might ask me about that in cross examination.

For me, I usually physically move between her and the kids, kind of like a human shield.  Fortunately my wife can hold it together enough where she will not yell at the kids; however, since my previous post and this one, my wife had another lapse - the worst one this year since last winter.  Got it on video, where my uBPDw and S12 were yelling at each other on the top of their voices when they came home together.  It's ugly.  The holidays bring so much stress, and she is becoming more dysregulated, I can't wait until January arrives for it to revert back, in the meantime damage control.

If you were staying to protect the children, this is my excuse.  You wanted to ensure the safety of your children.

Here are some thoughts that are crossing my mind now that I am aware she also did this in front of your children.  Be prepared to answer why you physically didn't get between your child and your wife while the rage episode was occuring in order to protect your children (perhaps if she has not been physical before with the children, this was not an immediate concern for you).  Also, be prepared to answer why you didn't reach out to CPS/authorities to make a report.  For me, I was not educated on what to do, since the children were not physically hit.  (possibly add, "Now that I have just been made aware of responsibilities to report yelling as well, from this point forward I will do that".  For me, I made reports to our couple's therapist, a former CPS LCSW, who is a mandated reporter, and let her deal with it within the therapy session, which will include the most recent transgression - I will let me wife explain it in her terms, and they I finish it with my observations of it  This can potentially be a very slippery slope that you are on.

Check with your attorney, but I think the litmus test that the authorities use for this is "if she is a danger [physically] to herself or others".  Perhaps use that construct in your explanation(s) as well.  Reassure the court you would have dialed 911 if she started to get physical with yourself and/or your children which didn't quite happen, but you were recording the incident just in case she escalated it as you didn't know what she was capable of doing to protect the children as well as yourself.

Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

I had called my local CPS agency twice during the final months before separation.  I described that my preschooler was exposed to my spouse's rants and rages.  I was told, "Call back if she focuses her rages onto your child."

What is considered actionable versus not actionable can vary between jurisdiction and states.  In my area, some 15 years ago, I was told a child being exposed to abusive behavior was less actionable than it being focused on the child.  Your area may or may not see those criteria differently.

Surely you weren't aware of the local differences (exposure versus being a focus) before.  Are you now?

[mikejones75093]

So she's boxing up all of our decorations.  Didn't even bring it up to me.  Is thus a control boundary thing?  Also, I think our orders say not to remove furnishings from the house.  Should I say something?

[Notwendy]

Sounds like she's making a statement "look at me, no Christmas for you!!". As to "furnishings" - that's a broad definition. Not sure if decorations count. If it's a large and costly or sentimental item- maybe that's worth speaking up about. If she's running off with the elf on the shelf, not sure it's worth the conflict.

[mikejones75093]

Sounds like she's making a statement "look at me, no Christmas for you!!". As to "furnishings" - that's a broad definition. Not sure if decorations count. If it's a large and costly or sentimental item- maybe that's worth speaking up about. If she's running off with the elf on the shelf, not sure it's worth the conflict.

I'm talking like every decoration and picture in every room.   She spent around 20k on this.  It's explained pretty clear we aren't supposed to remove or transfer personal property fixtures or furnishings.

She never even spoke to me about it, just packed it up and moved it like she was entitled.

Talked to her today.  Let her know we need boundaries and she can't just take things.   She told me they were hers because she purchased them. Well ya with my credit card.  She wasn't too happy I spoke to her about this.  Started saying she doesn't feel safe at home anymore so she has to move. 

I was calm and cool, did everything by the book.   We'll see if she gets the point.

[Notwendy]

Good that you stayed calm. Possibly she's trying to provoke you. I'd leave the property situation to your lawyer. Maybe it can be part of the accounting for during the settlement.

[EyesUp]

Good that you stayed calm. Possibly she's trying to provoke you. I'd leave the property situation to your lawyer. Maybe it can be part of the accounting for during the settlement.

This is the way.

Document everything you can. 

I went through a similar situation. Before the plunder started, I had the forethought to take pictures of everything in every room.  When we got into stipulations re: division of marital assets, my uBPDx refused to discuss anything, and demanded that I remain out of the house on the day she picked to move.

With the writing on the wall, I stole a page from her playbook and removed a number of things that were valuable to me ahead of her move-out day - mainly a few family heirlooms that were in boxes along with important papers - not conspicuous items on a shelf - and discretely gave them to a family member for safe keeping to ensure nothing was damaged or "missing" after the fact.

I mentally prepared for her to take more than 50% - and she did.

Ultimately, I recognized that it was for the best that she took almost all of the kids' furniture, as at least I knew the kids would have familiar things ready to go at her new place.  I focused on replacing the kids' stuff first. 

Over a period of months, I made a number of puzzling discoveries:  She interpreted "split things evenly" in strange ways, e.g., we had two sets of kitchen knives.  Instead of picking one set, she took half of each set.  Disordered thinking?  An overt attempt to demonstrate that she was splitting things down the middle?  A passive aggressive move intended to bother me?  All of the above?  Honestly, it was such a small thing, I had to laugh. There have been a bunch of times when I've made similar discoveries about what went with her vs. what stayed.

I was glad she took the bedroom set - although it was really nice, I had no desire to keep that particular "marital asset" as I knew she brought her affair partner home at least once...   I found a replacement on Facebook marketplace (finally a useful feature from Facebook) that was almost free and perfect for me.

In short, don't get into skirmishes over who keeps what, unless it's really $$$$ stuff.  Document what you can, before and after.  Look forward to upgrading when you are able.  Material stuff is not the most important thing, but new stuff might be a small part of how you reboot when you get through the separation...

Hang in there!

[mikejones75093]

This is the way.

Document everything you can. 

I went through a similar situation. Before the plunder started, I had the forethought to take pictures of everything in every room.  When we got into stipulations re: division of marital assets, my uBPDx refused to discuss anything, and demanded that I remain out of the house on the day she picked to move.

With the writing on the wall, I stole a page from her playbook and removed a number of things that were valuable to me ahead of her move-out day - mainly a few family heirlooms that were in boxes along with important papers - not conspicuous items on a shelf - and discretely gave them to a family member for safe keeping to ensure nothing was damaged or "missing" after the fact.

I mentally prepared for her to take more than 50% - and she did.

Ultimately, I recognized that it was for the best that she took almost all of the kids' furniture, as at least I knew the kids would have familiar things ready to go at her new place.  I focused on replacing the kids' stuff first. 

Over a period of months, I made a number of puzzling discoveries:  She interpreted "split things evenly" in strange ways, e.g., we had two sets of kitchen knives.  Instead of picking one set, she took half of each set.  Disordered thinking?  An overt attempt to demonstrate that she was splitting things down the middle?  A passive aggressive move intended to bother me?  All of the above?  Honestly, it was such a small thing, I had to laugh. There have been a bunch of times when I've made similar discoveries about what went with her vs. what stayed.

I was glad she took the bedroom set - although it was really nice, I had no desire to keep that particular "marital asset" as I knew she brought her affair partner home at least once...   I found a replacement on Facebook marketplace (finally a useful feature from Facebook) that was almost free and perfect for me.

In short, don't get into skirmishes over who keeps what, unless it's really $$$$ stuff.  Document what you can, before and after.  Look forward to upgrading when you are able.  Material stuff is not the most important thing, but new stuff might be a small part of how you reboot when you get through the separation...

Hang in there!

Honestly I don't want the stuff anyway.  I was just irked she thought she could take it all without even saying anything to me.  Also, she did spend a lot on it so ya I want it to come out of her end.

Maybe I'm an idiot for not doing this sooner but I took her to the side,  calmly explained to her that wasn't her stuff but ours.  Told her we need boundaries and please don't take another thing out of this house.  She said ok and almost looked at peace like she wanted me to stand up for myself.

Same thing with the kids.  Told her they aren't yours but ours and to stop taking them all day every day.  She ok call me later and we can set something up.  Sorry what?  Didn't expect that.  Like me being calm but affirmative she enjoyed it or something

[SinisterComplex]

Honestly I don't want the stuff anyway.  I was just irked she thought she could take it all without even saying anything to me.  Also, she did spend a lot on it so ya I want it to come out of her end.

Maybe I'm an idiot for not doing this sooner but I took her to the side,  calmly explained to her that wasn't her stuff but ours.  Told her we need boundaries and please don't take another thing out of this house.  She said ok and almost looked at peace like she wanted me to stand up for myself.

Same thing with the kids.  Told her they aren't yours but ours and to stop taking them all day every day.  She ok call me later and we can set something up.  Sorry what?  Didn't expect that.  Like me being calm but affirmative she enjoyed it or something

Remember I have reiterated being firm and indifferent right? Well, this is the prime example....it is all tied to respect. You were measured and composed and "led" the situation. You were not worried about being liked or trying to accommodate her, but instead took charge and showed you are to be respected. That goes a long way.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[SaltyDawg]

So she's boxing up all of our decorations.  Didn't even bring it up to me.  Is thus a control boundary thing?  Also, I think our orders say not to remove furnishings from the house.  Should I say something?

Document, use video, and yes you should say something (with the video recording in progress) in a cool calm voice, which you did, and it was effective.  But, if the next time it is ineffective, just back off and continue to video, so you can show the court that she is in contempt.

I'm talking like every decoration and picture in every room.   She spent around 20k on this.  It's explained pretty clear we aren't supposed to remove or transfer personal property fixtures or furnishings.

She never even spoke to me about it, just packed it up and moved it like she was entitled.

Talked to her today.  Let her know we need boundaries and she can't just take things.   She told me they were hers because she purchased them. Well ya with my credit card.  She wasn't too happy I spoke to her about this.  Started saying she doesn't feel safe at home anymore so she has to move. 

I was calm and cool, did everything by the book.   We'll see if she gets the point.

Possession is 9/10ths, whomever possesses an item controls it 90% unless a court order mandates it back.

Honestly I don't want the stuff anyway.  I was just irked she thought she could take it all without even saying anything to me.  Also, she did spend a lot on it so ya I want it to come out of her end.

Maybe I'm an idiot for not doing this sooner but I took her to the side,  calmly explained to her that wasn't her stuff but ours.  Told her we need boundaries and please don't take another thing out of this house.  She said ok and almost looked at peace like she wanted me to stand up for myself.

Same thing with the kids.  Told her they aren't yours but ours and to stop taking them all day every day.  She ok call me later and we can set something up.  Sorry what?  Didn't expect that.  Like me being calm but affirmative she enjoyed it or something

If you don't want the stuff, use it as a bargaining chip so you can get something that you want later on in this process of division of marital assets.  Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I won't expand on what the others have told you as that is good advice; however, ...

Now I am going to address what I put in bold on what you shared with us.  Perhaps I am reading too much between the lines; however, I know from my own perspective, before I repaired my backbone and figuratively grew a new backbone, I previously let my wife have her way unfettered and a run-away people pleaser with little boundaries, she had no respect for me.  When I set boundaries and enforce those boundaries, respect for me is returning.

I think you are on to something, that she did enjoy, more specifically you earned some respect with your wife, and generally speaking women like men who are in charge, even if they say otherwise (another topic with a fine line).  So, I feel that you need to set and enforce boundaries whether it is court imposed or new ones that you set, that make sense to her.  She will test those boundaries, and she was testing the court mandated ones.

What do you think?

Take care with self-care.

SD

[mikejones75093]

Remember I have reiterated being firm and indifferent right? Well, this is the prime example....it is all tied to respect. You were measured and composed and "led" the situation. You were not worried about being liked or trying to accommodate her, but instead took charge and showed you are to be respected. That goes a long way.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

She must have taken an online parenting class yesterday.   Crossed a couple more boundaries. I pulled her to the side and let her know affirmatively, she kept saying you seem upset let's have this conversation at another time.  I was calm as can be, just affirmative.  So she's pulling garbage like that now. 

[mikejones75093]

Document, use video, and yes you should say something (with the video recording in progress) in a cool calm voice, which you did, and it was effective.  But, if the next time it is ineffective, just back off and continue to video, so you can show the court that she is in contempt.


Possession is 9/10ths, whomever possesses an item controls it 90% unless a court order mandates it back.


If you don't want the stuff, use it as a bargaining chip so you can get something that you want later on in this process of division of marital assets.  Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I won't expand on what the others have told you as that is good advice; however, ...

Now I am going to address what I put in bold on what you shared with us.  Perhaps I am reading too much between the lines; however, I know from my own perspective, before I repaired my backbone and figuratively grew a new backbone, I previously let my wife have her way unfettered and a run-away people pleaser with little boundaries, she had no respect for me.  When I set boundaries and enforce those boundaries, respect for me is returning.

I think you are on to something, that she did enjoy, more specifically you earned some respect with your wife, and generally speaking women like men who are in charge, even if they say otherwise (another topic with a fine line).  So, I feel that you need to set and enforce boundaries whether it is court imposed or new ones that you set, that make sense to her.  She will test those boundaries, and she was testing the court mandated ones.

What do you think?

Take care with self-care.

SD

You are very right.  I used to be a strong guy that got respect but over thr last decade I quit wanting to deal with it and over time just ignored her blow ups.  It worked for a while when they were just tantrums but now that it escalated to money and kids it's not working and I'm haveing to step back in and figure it all out.  The longer this goes on the more I can see her lies and true self.   She's always held herself as this honest straight forward person, and I mostly believed it.  I have caught her in so many lies the past 3 weeks and hearing her try to defend herself us eye opening.

[mikejones75093]

So question.  First court date for temp hearing coming up soon.  I have those videos of her raging hard,  and since it's temp we don't have to give them anything up front.  Very few people have seen her rage.  She will not do that in public or even around friends.  After her long dramatic I'm the victim thing once she is shown these videos,  how will she react?  I know highly embarrassed,  but will she lose it in court and go off?  Or can she hold it together?

[ForeverDad]

After her long dramatic I'm the victim thing once she is shown these videos,  how will she react?  I know highly embarrassed,  but will she lose it in court and go off?  Or can she hold it together?

As for specifics, you know your spouse better than us.  In general, she may pull back, or she may just make new claims that even so you're still worse than her.

My court and all the local professionals were reluctant to comment on us bickering parents, they didn't know us well enough yet.  My spouse just moved on from one failed allegation to the next one, usually more shocking than the one before.  And court made no effort to give consequences for the "unsubstantiated" allegations nor limit how many.  In a way, she dug her own hole and essentially buried herself, though that took time, felt like eons.

[mikejones75093]

As for specifics, you know your spouse better than us.  In general, she may pull back, or she may just make new claims that even so you're still worse than her.

My court and all the local professionals were reluctant to comment on us bickering parents, they didn't know us well enough yet.  My spouse just moved on from one failed allegation to the next one, usually more shocking than the one before.  And court made no effort to give consequences for the "unsubstantiated" allegations nor limit how many.  In a way, she dug her own hole and essentially buried herself, though that took time, felt like eons.

With all her lying, alienation, taking things against court orders, posting disparaging comments,  and false allegations I am hoping she digs a deep obvious hole.

[EyesUp]

So question.  First court date for temp hearing coming up soon.  I have those videos of her raging hard,  and since it's temp we don't have to give them anything up front.  Very few people have seen her rage.  She will not do that in public or even around friends.  After her long dramatic I'm the victim thing once she is shown these videos,  how will she react?  I know highly embarrassed,  but will she lose it in court and go off?  Or can she hold it together?

You know her best, and should carefully consider how and when to disclosure certain documentation.

Courts generally preserve the status quo, unless there is conspicuous evidence of danger to the kids.  It may be premature for this argument, unless you footage of her raging directly at the kids, or other abuse in which the kids are directly involved.

Consider giving her room to further incriminate herself by not disclosing anything other than “I’m superdad” at this stage, if you and your atty are comfortable with this approach.

[mikejones75093]

You know her best, and should carefully consider how and when to disclosure certain documentation.

Courts generally preserve the status quo, unless there is conspicuous evidence of danger to the kids.  It may be premature for this argument, unless you footage of her raging directly at the kids, or other abuse in which the kids are directly involved.

Consider giving her room to further incriminate herself by not disclosing anything other than “I’m superdad” at this stage, if you and your atty are comfortable with this approach.

I'm going to follow attorney lead.  Let them know my priorities are kids.  I just know she's going to go on a charming rant about how great she is and how the kids do so well with her and how horrible i am.  She has no friends or family.  I have family and friends showing up. Hopefully that looks good

[SaltyDawg]

I'm going to follow attorney lead.  Let them know my priorities are kids.  I just know she's going to go on a charming rant about how great she is and how the kids do so well with her and how horrible i am.  She has no friends or family.  I have family and friends showing up. Hopefully that looks good

That is the precise advice I was going to give you -- follow your attorney's advice, especially if they have seen this kind of behavior before with other clients.  Give your attorney all the information so your attorney can shine a spotlight on her bad behaviors in a manner for greatest effect.  Stick to the facts, and if questions on her version of the her facts on how horrible you are, if your wife is anything like mine, she will have already telegraphed her arguments (in conversation, idle threats, social media, texts, voice mails, rants, rages, etc.), so you know what to prepare for and have pre-prepared answers for. 

Once your wife has file the petitions for divorce, even though you feel some F.O.G. towards her, don't - you no longer have an obligation to manage her feelings by not stepping on the eggshells.  She has played her cards, you have collected evidence to the contrary, and her house of cards will come tumbling down - how she behaves is up to her.  However, if she 'looses' it in front of the court, it will be to your benefit if she does.  Just remain cool, and follow your attorney's lead.

Please keep us updated, as I am curious about your well being and how this plays out for you.

Be sure to do some self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

[GaGrl]

In working with your attorney to ensure the children are the priority, it is critical at this point to have your house/address set as "residence for school attendance." It is easy for that phrase to get lost in a temp order. Otherwise, your STBX can move your children to a school convenient to her new address.

[PeteWitsend]

In working with your attorney to ensure the children are the priority, it is critical at this point to have your house/address set as "residence for school attendance." It is easy for that phrase to get lost in a temp order. Otherwise, your STBX can move your children to a school convenient to her new address.

Yes, that is huge.  And as residence restrictions are typically set by county, she could move to a more remote part of the county which makes it difficult to pick up kids/take them to school on a workday. 

courts never appreciate that sort of thing, but most people have to work, and balancing child care & transportation is difficult as it is

[EyesUp]

My atty advised that the best restriction I could hope for would be against a move out of state.  The explanation was that in our agreement, we have joint decision making for education and health matters - so any change of school would require mutual agreement. 

And since I intend to continue to reside within the existing school district, any attempt to change schools on her part would require my explicit agreement.

In fact, my uBPDx did attempt to move one of our 3 kids to a new school without my consent, which I was able to quickly and easily stop without litigation (that's another story...).

I expect that my uBPDx will make another attempt, as she is now engaged to be married this summer and will likely look beyond the current school district for a new home for herself and her fiance.  At which point, I expect that I will be able to demonstrate that there is not significant cause for a change of school for the mother's sole convenience, and that the best interest of the children is continuity within their existing community - where they are all socially engaged, and performing well academically.  Disruption is not a benefit to the kids, and courts generally prefer status quo when there is no overt need for intervention.

I have no doubt that this may trigger more resentment and escalation with my uBPDx, which is why many here advocate going for a primary decision maker / tie breaker role when/if possible.

My atty advised that this would not be easily achieved in our agreement.  If I had pushed for a contested divorce, I may have been able to use some of my uBPDx's history to accomplish a ruling in my favor as primary parent, but it wasn't a slam dunk.

Explore your options and preferences carefully with your atty.

Do you have a strong case for primary parent status?
If not, are you able to maintain a home in the current school district?
How do you think you'll fare in a 50-50 decision making arrangement?
Who has historically taken parent-teacher meetings, doctor appointments, etc?

All of these details should factor into your strategy and forward plan.

In my case, I was an active parent and participated in all of the above, and so contrary to my uBPDx's false/distorted claim that she was always primary parent and I was not involved, I was able to negotiate to 50-50. 

[mikejones75093]

So temporary hearing yesterday.  Judge acted upset to even be there.  She got on the stand and lied, she works, takes care of the kids, plays with the kids, and I do nothing and I have substance abuse issues.  Wouldn't admit she works the days she does and danced around to try and not admit I take care of the kids.

He didn't have the ability to watch my videos, said he would do that on his own time.

I'm so nervous and I feel like it was a terrible experience.  No clue what to expect.  Haven't slept.

[ForeverDad]

So temporary hearing yesterday.  Judge acted upset to even be there.

Of course the judge is a bit peeved.  With two contrasting accounts, he's the one stuck with figuring out what to do.  So he didn't change anything, kids are still at your house as a home base?  Has the judge set any sort of parenting or exchange schedule meanwhile?

He didn't have the ability to watch my videos, said he would do that on his own time.

Wow, that's more than I got from my court.  Were they entered into evidence?  When I did that, finally in my last struggle after years in and out of court, I had to state on the record when and where I had recorded.

Judge probably is also hoping that waiting until the next hearing might give impetus to the parents figuring out their differences.  But with PDs involved that's a it much to hope for.

Remember, a so-called temp order may be "only temporary" but it's important to get the best (least bad) temp order since ours last so much longer than others.  The last thing you want is to relax and let whatever happen to you and then you have to play catch up.