Long term relationship with a BDP Woman

[Kashi]

Hi

I am posting to the board because I am having all sorts of internal issues following a breakup.

I was with a person with BPD for over 15 years.  I understand that most people would believe there is codependency issues on my part.  I would say that would be true but not in all cases.

The person I was with is what I believe is called a quiet borderline.

To me the distinction simply means they have the ability mostly to hide their true emotions. 

In this case the person was able to succeed in work, but that is all they focused on. 

They were supportive at times if there was a situation that was more like a project, rather than emotional content.

I had no reason not to trust this person over the years. 

The person I believe was planning their exit.   The person swung completely in a matter of two weeks.

I had to ask if they wanted to tell me something and ask if they were breaking up with me.

They assured me there was nobody else but that was not true.

I was in complete shock.   I know the detail of what "shock" is but firstly I was throwing up.   I just did not expect it but somewhere inside me knew that it couldn't go on.  It was like living a dual life in the end.  I lost so much weight.  I couldn't sleep,  I couldn't function.  My head is a mess.

I knew that had to change.   I knew that the person relied on me, and I was trying to break that dependency.

I knew after all those years I supported the person; they were not growing, and it was startling they never felt confident in ability or who they were.

I felt that we did have equality in the relationship and did everything I could to facilitate that.

But supporting them day after day in relation to their work was taxing.

We lost intimacy which isn't surprising.

Still, I thought it would right itself.   Perhaps only half of me at that stage did.

There was no violence.  There was no yelling.  There was no verbal abuse.

There was blame which is frustrating and annoying.  There was the odd occasion where I was accused of not loving them or wanting someone else.   

We had a complete life and on paper it looked very good.  Nice house, no concerns about money, we both had very good jobs.  We had goals which now I realize weren't going to happen.

She was moody sometimes, or distant.   

Step forward.   The person wanted me to stay in our house after the breakup and that was my alarm bell to get out. 

That is what I did.  That was not easy because they put blocks in place to make it hard.

It's very confronting to have someone that you have not seen their true self to reveal it to you in a breakup.

It's very painful to be accused of outrageous actions you would never do, or even thought of.

To be belittled.

At times I fired back.   Which I am not proud of. 

Then came the "I want you back" - "I love you" then back to the other person they had hooked up with

That destroys your soul a step more.

She seems to pick the times where I am vulnerable. She times them to get maximum results.  If I react, she seems very pleased with that. There is always a reason for what she says or does.  Generally, one that "could" make sense.  Therefore, you start to question yourself.

I don't know where my head was at to allow this person to hurt me like that.

I think somewhere inside me doesn't believe that this person could be that horrible. 

I have got to the stage from months of pushing and pulling to no contact.  Which they didn't want.

They don't want me, but they don't want to let me go.

Now I am scared.  Some of the accusations were threats I guess, saying I was abusive.

What I did was I spoke to them about the accusations and recorded the conversation.  Which I believe you can do if you feel your life is threatened.  I believe it is legal.  In that conversation they retracted and said they didn't mean it and that I took them out of context.  I have many conversations (not recorded) that safeguard me if it came to needing to.

In their mind they think they can come back one day, and I will just be here.

Like nothing has happened.   I will be waiting with open arms.

I was honest with them about how I feel. 

I am sometimes angry, but I don't seem to hate them.   I try to think of what they have done to me to try and balance it out and stick to the truth. 

I am deeply sad.  It's such a horrible and cruel situation.

That juxtaposition of the person you lived with, trusted and loved.   Then to see the misery inside them.

I don't believe many people would understand how that rips your soul out.   

How do you explain it to someone.   You can't.   They haven't seen it.  They saw the facade.

Then is that all she is.   Was any of it real.   That is a mind mending thought.   There is a lot of ex partners who would say that none of it was real.  I agree that you have to try and not romanticize parts of the relationship. I try and stick to the facts.   Sometimes I think I was just wrong.  It was only me who felt a certain way. 

I don't want any harm to come to the person and I hope they get help. 

I am spinning in this every day.   I can't find a way out.   

I see a professional, I do CBT, I know the theory.   I spoke to people with BPD and they describe what happens emotionally, and their thoughts.  That was interesting.  I can't say it was totally helpful to see the dark side of BPD but it does illustrate how incredibly serious the illness is. 

I am not a hateful, revengeful person by nature.  I don't want to spend my life feeling hate and thinking like that. 

Sometimes when I think of the cruelest of her actions, I have a moment of anger. 

I have made some improvements.   But I am slightly paranoid that she will find a way back in an unhealthy way.

I am waiting for the letter to say we are going to court, or the police knock on my door. 

She has a lot to lose with her work.    I am relying on perhaps she will think twice about doing anything which would actually expose her and aversely with her employment.  But we know all bets are off if they feel you have done them wrong. 

No contact would feel like that to a PWBPD

I know she has trashed me.  Because her father made a very convoluted threat.  One that you can't say was a threat, but it could be taken that way.   I did take it that way which is another reason why no contact seemed the best option.

If it escalates, I can say well that phone number no longer exists.  That email address no longer exists.  Therefore, I can prove no contact and no intention of contact.

They know where I live.

I am hoping just writing this helps me.   Just to be here with people who perhaps can relate.

.

[Mutt]

Hi Kashi,

I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to  our forum here. I am glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk.

I can relate with how much pain it feels when your pwBPD are a part of your every day life, this is someone that you can spend your life with, pushes you away amd they're not a part of your daily life anymore.

They're acting hostile towards you like you've become their enemy and they can't see any good in you anymore. It's really tough.

You said that you're practicing CBT and seeing.a professional and understand the concepts. You probably already know about splitting and how a series of break up can lead to the mother of all break ups that causes an ego wound to a pwBPD, where they  split you all black.

Can you share a little bit what your pwBPD are saying about you?

[Kashi]

Hi

In the breakup it was accusations that were simply outrageous.

That I would burn the house down and hurt the dog.  I have heard the ""burning" accusation from other BPD people.

I was toxic.  I wanted her money.  I am a F-in Crazy B-ich.  I was stalking her. 

This is from a person who I never heard swear. 

Never in all those years did she ever speak to me like that.   In the end she made two horrible comments to something I asked which was not criticizing her.  Simply saying what I needed.  She spoke to me like dirt.  I walked away at the time, but it stuck with me.   

I think in my heart it was over then for me.  I can't be spoken to like that. 

I am not totally innocent, but I am a good person and I supported her emotionally and other ways. 

I just thought.  I don't deserve to be spoken to like that.  She maybe knew she on borrowed time if it was going to continue like that.

Bit different if it came from an insecurity which I could just reassure her whatever she thought wasn't the case.  Jealously or similar.  With the idea it would improve and actually in some instances it did improve. 

She made some accusations over the years.   I didn't realize or know what projection was but there was quite a bit of it.

But nothing like in the breakup.   

She wanted to take me to court, and I said Ok you do that, if you feel you need to.  I said it's your right.  She didn't.

She behaves like she is scared of me when she "was" around me.  It's very strange. 

Then when she calmed down after months and obviously not triggered.  It was that I didn't love her, she thought I was going to leave her. 

I know she planned it.   I even suspect she took money.   My lawyer suggested we look into it.  I can't even bring myself to look at the bank records.  I have them.  I can't look at them.  I told the lawyer not to go into it.  I don't think I could stand it if it was true.  I will consume it and never know.  It's less pain.  I know people might think I am stupid for doing that. 

The lies are vast.   That hurts me like nothing else. 

Some of family asked me what I did to her to make her leave.  That hurt.   

Side note.   I read the Jeckel and Hyde article.  We were watching the movie once and I had to explain it to her which at the time,  I thought what exactly don't you understand about the character.... Mystified me

It strange because now I can clearly see why she had trouble understanding some concepts and interactions with people.

Don't get me wrong she is very smart which is why it seemed so strange to me.

I thought at times when she was asking to explain something, she was trying to make me feel intelligent.

Not so....She has no clue about some concepts.  Emotional for a start.

There were strange things about her and I guess I dealt with them. 

I changed things up and adapted and I suppose she did as well. 

I ran out of ways to do that.   She was blocking me all the way in the end.

She said she wasn't happy.   I think that is a fair comment.   HOW! WHY?  No idea.  She can't fill in the gaps.

I think it was time for her to go.   For me there is love there and without romanticizing she was my best friend, and we did some great things together.  Part of the loss it what the average person would go through. 

I wouldn't say that on my behalf it was totally codependent because I was trying my heart out to NOT make it like that. 

That is not want I wanted and that is not what I tried to encourage. 

But I don't think PWBPD allow you to settle into a relationship that is not codependent.   

It's power plays.   That's what it feels like and I don't like the feeling.

She half loves and half hates me and is extremely cruel.

She did something to me that I can't even repeat.  She passes it off as unintentional. 

It was honestly the cruelest,  action or non action at time that I needed her to be there, and she said she was and would be and then ghosted me.  It was heartless and vindictive.   

Everything feels like payback because it is.   Payback for no reason.   Her list of REAL grievances against me read like a set of child's gripes.  She will remember one small comment from years ago. 

She has a hit list. 

I don't think she can hold back now.   I think she opened the box of gripes, and the lid won't go back on. 

Scares me.   

[Kashi]

Some days I spiral with the thought(s)

People with BPD like to say they don't mean the horrible things they do or say and those things are not them

How do they know the good things they say and do are them?

If you can't think or feel in areas of grey.

How would you know what was real.   Which extreme is real?

Neither.   They can't be.

They are extremes.

Between those extremes seems to be a "nothingness" and dull throb of "discontentment"

My ex said to me so you are saying (which I didn't say) what she felt, who she is, what she thinks doesn't exist.  That she doesn't exist as a person.  That was in relation to loving me and other points. 

I said is the "real" her is trapped in a disorder.

The disorder tells her what to think, feel, who she is and who I am.  The disorder controls her, therefore me.

I see glimpses of her.  I believe I do.   Way way beyond the pleasing, or the facade. 

[Pook075]

Hi Kashi and welcome.

So much of what you shared resonated in my relationship as well.  It was like a bomb went off and it came out of nowhere.  Our marriage was instantly destroyed over something that could have been fixed with a simple conversation.

I went through this 19 months ago, and to be honest I'm still not 100% over it.  But time does heal all, and you won't feel this way forever.  I've moved on and accepted the situation for what it is- my wife was sick and reacted badly because of her sickness.  It's not her fault for being scared and broken.  That realization is what allowed me to ultimately move on; I'm not mad at her anymore and the hurtful words no longer have any power over me.

For now, all you can do is get busy with life- find things to fill the void.  Hobbies, travel, friends and family.  Get out there and live life, whatever that means to you, because that's how you break the co-dependence.  You live.  You find your laughter once again.  And slowly over time, it does fade away.

I wish you luck!

[Mutt]

Some of family asked me what I did to her to make her leave.  That hurt.

I can understand how that would hurt. Unless you've been in a r/s with a pwBPD it's hard for people to understand. They're using logic in a situation where a partner has irrational thoughts especially when they are triggered.

They're thinking that there has to be some cause that's made a pwBPD act in the extreme. If you're not together then it's not your duty to explain the irrational thought patterns in a way that a non can understand.
Talking to  people here that have walked a mile in your shoes helps to get things off of your chest. You dont havee to explain things, we automatically get it.

I think it was time for her to go.   For me there is love there and without romanticizing she was my best friend, and we did some great things together.  Part of the loss it what the average person would go through

15 years is a long history. She's important to you, it takes time to process the grief. Its a huge spike in difficulty when at one point you were shown affection and that morphs and changes into a bitter and confusing hatred directed at you. It helps to share your experiences here on the boards.

I have made some improvements.   But I am slightly paranoid that she will find a way back in an unhealthy way.

That makes sense. You need to have strong boundaries with a pwBPD, even with the best boundaries they can still roll over you. You're seeing a professional, a support group here and you have boundaries that can protect you as well. Youre not alone.

I'll leave you with an article on boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[Kashi]

Thanks, I read the document.

I have plans for my life and home.   

We had a plan for the future and I'm going to get it for myself.

Slimmed down version but I don't mind.

I'll find a way.

I don't have friends around me.  Two of my friends basically don't want to be involved.  Maybe guys are different and don't want to get involved in emotions or breaks up.  Slightly disappointed.  I also moved away so I have no friends here. 

I feel like don't want to go near anyone. 

There is no way I would enter into something romantic.   That would be unfair.

I feel like I was starved of "positive" all I heard in the end was negative then I get accused of being negative.

People say something nice to me and at first I thought,  wow that feels strange

because I hadn't heard anything nice about me for a while

I challenged her to tell me three positive things about me, after the breakup

She said I was very supportive, beautiful and gentle

I was surprised she was able to come up with one.   

Perhaps she just lied. 

[Kashi]

That sounded a bit like a "pity" fest. 

So much thought swirling around.

Some of the things she said to me after the breakup were quite beautiful

After she calmed down

I just can't believe anything she says anymore. Nothing.

Bottom line is she doesn't me feel I am loved.

She says she is not enough.   I hear BPD people say that.   It's their thing.

She isn't enough because she makes it that way and continues to make it that way.

Otherwise, she was.   Forget the intense beginning.  After that.  She was.

I want to feel I am loved.  Just like she does, and anyone does.

It's over when you don't feel like you are loved.   

You are just being lied to.