been here before, but with a new resolve

[thewilltoleave]

I've been trying really hard lately to keep my focus on being honest with myself and with others, and to try to find some sense of self-worth in the middle of everything going on with my husband. I'm no longer viewing this situation with any kind of rose colored tint, I know it all sucks. I'm no longer pretending like everything is great. I'm telling people that I feel like garbage when I feel like garbage. And the more I see the reality of what I'm living in, I'm recognizing my ability to function in this reality is getting worse. Getting up to start the day is hard. Getting to work is hard. Getting things done that aren't completely urgent is hard. I just want to sleep. There is no joy here. I'm finally recognizing that this is not sustainable and if I keep going I am going to lose any sense of stability I have left. I'm not covering for him anymore, I'm not lying to family and friends about how great he is doing when he isn't. I'm not trying to convince myself that these lies are true, not trying to justify why it's okay that life is how it is. Because I can't watch him kill himself anymore. So I attended an al anon meeting today, but I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure of it at first, but at the end they said that at least one person here is going through or has gone through exactly what you are going through. And I feel like I needed that. I feel really isolated. So I think I'll keep going back. I think a sponsor would be helpful for me, I could use some unbiased emotional support while I go through this. I have close friends who will help me, and I have a few family members who will help too. But I hate to say it, or keep saying it, but I just don't have a mom, or that kind of support. I never really did, but I just really feel like I need that person I can call, cry, tell them I feel like PLEASE READ and things will never be good again, and they can tell me that I'm going to be okay. I mean obviously a sponsor isn't going to be my mom, but I think I just need a calming reassuring person I can talk with while I navigate the divorce. I don't know, has anyone sought this out? Does that seem reasonable?

But I'm finally at the point where I realize I feel almost completely dead inside emotionally when I think of my husband. I am losing any empathy I could have had because of all of the horrible things that have happened, it's all been so traumatic and it's gone on so long, and there's been so much lying and manipulation, I just feel like I have nothing left. And I just don't know that I can continue to be a helpful person to him if my mental health gets worse and I lose all feelings of caring. I don't want that. And what I am finally recognizing, is that I don't feel like my husband's status quo, which is completely awful anyway, is more important than maintaining my slowly dwindling mental health. I do finally feel like I'm at a point where I don't feel the guilt I did for making the decision to leave him. I'm finally starting to find the bar for self worth for myself. It may be in hell, but at least I found it.

My therapist and I had previously discussed writing a letter explaining how I feel and letting him read it, because I have a hard time not backing out when I say it. And I have a go bag, and I have a place to stay if I need it. I'm hoping that the person that I cared about is still there, and he'll recognize how sad I am that I have to do this, but also that I need to. And if he doesn't, and the bpd rage shows itself, I have what I need to remove myself from the situation.

I don't know what comes after, I am terrified of the unknown. But if I spend too much time trying to plan for the alternatives I get overwhelmed and decide I can't take any steps. And I'm worried that I'll lose my resolve if I don't act now, when I am fully appreciating how urgent it is to take these steps. I don't want to fall back into complacency and numbness. I'm genuinely worried if it happens again I may lose myself for good.

[thewilltoleave]

We just finished our conversation. I'm exhausted and sad. I'm thankful there was no rage, at least not at this point. It's hard when you see these glimpses of the person you love when you're telling them horrible news. It makes you want to take it all back and give them another chance. But I held my ground, and it's done. I don't know what happens next but I think this is all I have in me today. I'm just going to take this one day at a time.

[thewilltoleave]

Sorry I keep posting, I'm just trying to get all this out. I woke up today and initially felt overwhelmed and scared because of everything that happened yesterday, but as the day goes on I'm noticing that my mind isn't coming to a complete halt like it always does this time of day. I'm not feeling stuck and like my life won't change. I'm able to feel calmer than I have in years. I hate that he is sad and hurting right now but I'm not personalizing it like I usually do, and taking it on. I'm able to separate who I am from him, and I feel like I can manage. I think I made the right choice, even though it was an agonizing one. And I think ultimately, it's the right choice for him too, he isn't happy, he's miserable. Enabling him to swallow and keep drinking and do nothing isn't being a good partner or a good person. I want him to have his own life that feels fulfilling to him. But I can't give that to him, he has to be responsible for that. I saw a quote when I was feeling miserable yesterday that said "These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb them". I'm going to think about that today, because I think it's really true for me.

[hellosun]

Proud of you, thewilltolive. And what a timely quote.  I wish I had something more to say that could be of comfort, because I feel like what you’ve shared in your posts is comforting to me.

And yes. I’ve “crowdsourced” substitute-parental-support, is how I phrase it, haha. It’s a totally reasonable need to seek out from someone, or multiple someones. Just chose trustworthy mentors who are close to someplace you want to get to in life, and with whom you can develop a secure attachment. Then pay-it-forward when you are in a place you feel able to do so. That’s what I did. There are so many people in this world with love to give.

Hiring a therapist or life coach could be another option, if you have the funds. Hoping you find the support you need.

I’m glad you’re feeling relief.

[thewilltoleave]

Proud of you, thewilltolive. And what a timely quote.  I wish I had something more to say that could be of comfort, because I feel like what you’ve shared in your posts is comforting to me.

And yes. I’ve “crowdsourced” substitute-parental-support, is how I phrase it, haha. It’s a totally reasonable need to seek out from someone, or multiple someones. Just chose trustworthy mentors who are close to someplace you want to get to in life, and with whom you can develop a secure attachment. Then pay-it-forward when you are in a place you feel able to do so. That’s what I did. There are so many people in this world with love to give.

Hiring a therapist or life coach could be another option, if you have the funds. Hoping you find the support you need.

I’m glad you’re feeling relief.

Thank you! And I don't know, I think if the words I type here while I try to make sense of things helps someone feel comfort, that helps me too.

I am doing another al anon group today, and I think that's good advice, I'll keep an eye out for someone who seems like we'd be a good fit.

I still feel like my decision to end our relationship was the right thing, and even though it feels like a lot of other things in my life right now have been chaos (it's never just one life upending event, right? That's not how it works), at least I feel peaceful on the inside, I've been nothing but honest over the last few weeks, and that intense feeling of stress has gone away.  I'm able to sleep and eat and function again. He keeps telling me that I can't imagine how much pain he's in, and that he feels like I'm throwing everything away. But the thing is I totally can imagine how much pain he's in, I've felt that way for years. I tried to keep it in because I was scared of jeopardizing his recovery and worsening his mental health, but all I was doing was enabling him. And I don't think I'm throwing everything away. I think he made a lot of choices that led to this decision, I communicated to him what might happen if he kept doing it, and he kept doing it. I have to maintain my self respect, so if I have to walk away from here to do that, I'm going to do that. All I want is for him to get sober and take care of himself, and build a life that makes him feel good, but he needs to do that for him, otherwise it just becomes promises that he keeps for a while until he feels like I'm satisfied and then he just goes back to what is comfortable. Even if it makes me feel miserable. And that's not a partnership. He isn't able to see that, he can't take accountability for how he completely blows past every boundary I try to set. We need to respect each other, and there isn't any here. So I am working on not letting my urge to make him feel better take over, and to keep putting the energy into taking care of myself and getting my life where I want it. I won't say I'm happy, but I can say that I feel at peace, and I don't feel like I'm trying to run away and escape my own reality anymore. I hope I can keep it up, but we'll see.

[thewilltoleave]

Just another quick update. I'm still sticking to my guns, and while the last month was very difficult not just for this reason but also due to some family issues, I've really been working on understanding codependency and what detachment means in the al anon world. I think it has really helped me to let go of owning his journey and his feelings about the relationship ending. It doesn't mean I don't feel for him, care about him, or want the best for him. It means that it isn't my responsibility or even possible that I can save him from the reality that this is his pain, his sadness, and his choices. And I'm realizing how much trying to "save" him and shield him from the truth and reality all these years allowed him to stay in this loop. He has made some good steps, he started AA online and found a group he likes. He has been sober for the last month, and he did finally say that he can't drink again. But he is still very reluctant to take any ownership for how the alcohol use and his behaviors decimated our relationship. He's still only focusing on "when" I'll realize I made a mistake and we need to be together and things will go back to how they were. I've been honest in the kindest way I can about my resentment towards him for deciding he doesn't need to work and being okay with drinking to the point of blacking out multiple times per week and just hiding away from the world, not taking care of himself for years, making me scared, feeling humiliated when he has been drunk around others and saying and doing awful things to me, being okay with me paying his bills and reminding him to take care of himself and make doctor appointments. And I've been honest with feeling guilty that I let this happen, that I was so passive for so long because I was scared and exhausted and unsure of the unknown. But I'm working on letting that guilt go too. It doesn't serve me anymore, it's been the thing that's kept me stuck here, feeling like I created this so I need to fix it. Turns out I may have helped create this, but the only way to help is to stop "helping". It's hard to watch someone struggle, but I think I finally reached that point where the emotional pain, then the numbness, then the desperation to feel something, anything that isn't nothing or horrible that was going on inside me became more agonizing than the idea of letting all this go.

Over the last week I've felt more honest with myself, but also more accepting too. I'm trying hard not to judge how things have transpired. Today is a new day, and I'm trying to make good choices and focus on myself and what I can control. It is better; I feel calmer and more able to stay on top of things that are actually important to me. It's been a little easier to do things that make me happy even if he feels sad when I'm doing that (which is me just taking time for me). I'm not as worried about the unknown or what comes next because that's not under my control. I've been thinking about how to define my "higher power" since I am not religious. I think I've decided, for now, to think of it as the belief that there is a better life after all of this. That even though the world is a nightmare I can do what I can to make the world around me better. I can still find joy even if it's going to look different than I had envisioned.

I've always been someone who likes to fancy herself as independent, but I think emotionally I have always been ready to throw away myself and my happiness for the men I date, and it happens so slowly and automatically that I don't often realize it til it's too late. That's something once all this is over I need to figure out. I can't repeat this cycle. I'm looking forward to figuring out how I operate when it's on me to define my own happiness and to fill up my own day.

[Tangled mangled]

I read your posts and I am just here to cheer you on.

I can relate to the numbness you described above but you are in a much better state than I was. I was so numb that I couldn’t even describe my feelings.

Glad to hear you have accepted and made peace with your decision to end the marriage.

There’s a fable  titled the bridge by Edwin Friedman and it captures the dilemma of a relationship with the pwbpd:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

You have already done what the man on the bridge did, hoping you continue to grow in peace and to maintain your resolve.

[seekingtheway]

Wow, that fable.... it's incredible.

Thank you for sharing this.

[thewilltoleave]

Thank you for sharing that story! I like its simplicity, ultimately this is the choice - to most likely die trying to save them or to save ourselves and let them go. You get so focused on the fear that you are the one who will hurt them by letting go that you forget to pay attention to the choice/choices this person made - one that hurts you and them.

Thanks for your kind words, and I do hope that the letting go leads to better things.

[SinisterComplex]

Just another quick update. I'm still sticking to my guns, and while the last month was very difficult not just for this reason but also due to some family issues, I've really been working on understanding codependency and what detachment means in the al anon world. I think it has really helped me to let go of owning his journey and his feelings about the relationship ending. It doesn't mean I don't feel for him, care about him, or want the best for him. It means that it isn't my responsibility or even possible that I can save him from the reality that this is his pain, his sadness, and his choices. And I'm realizing how much trying to "save" him and shield him from the truth and reality all these years allowed him to stay in this loop. He has made some good steps, he started AA online and found a group he likes. He has been sober for the last month, and he did finally say that he can't drink again. But he is still very reluctant to take any ownership for how the alcohol use and his behaviors decimated our relationship. He's still only focusing on "when" I'll realize I made a mistake and we need to be together and things will go back to how they were. I've been honest in the kindest way I can about my resentment towards him for deciding he doesn't need to work and being okay with drinking to the point of blacking out multiple times per week and just hiding away from the world, not taking care of himself for years, making me scared, feeling humiliated when he has been drunk around others and saying and doing awful things to me, being okay with me paying his bills and reminding him to take care of himself and make doctor appointments. And I've been honest with feeling guilty that I let this happen, that I was so passive for so long because I was scared and exhausted and unsure of the unknown. But I'm working on letting that guilt go too. It doesn't serve me anymore, it's been the thing that's kept me stuck here, feeling like I created this so I need to fix it. Turns out I may have helped create this, but the only way to help is to stop "helping". It's hard to watch someone struggle, but I think I finally reached that point where the emotional pain, then the numbness, then the desperation to feel something, anything that isn't nothing or horrible that was going on inside me became more agonizing than the idea of letting all this go.

Over the last week I've felt more honest with myself, but also more accepting too. I'm trying hard not to judge how things have transpired. Today is a new day, and I'm trying to make good choices and focus on myself and what I can control. It is better; I feel calmer and more able to stay on top of things that are actually important to me. It's been a little easier to do things that make me happy even if he feels sad when I'm doing that (which is me just taking time for me). I'm not as worried about the unknown or what comes next because that's not under my control. I've been thinking about how to define my "higher power" since I am not religious. I think I've decided, for now, to think of it as the belief that there is a better life after all of this. That even though the world is a nightmare I can do what I can to make the world around me better. I can still find joy even if it's going to look different than I had envisioned.

I've always been someone who likes to fancy herself as independent, but I think emotionally I have always been ready to throw away myself and my happiness for the men I date, and it happens so slowly and automatically that I don't often realize it til it's too late. That's something once all this is over I need to figure out. I can't repeat this cycle. I'm looking forward to figuring out how I operate when it's on me to define my own happiness and to fill up my own day.

Just dropping in to say I am following along. Don't have much to add because most of what I would have said you have said yourself. I will not harp on things.

Just be kind to YOU and please take care of YOURSELF.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[thewilltoleave]

Today was harder. It was our anniversary today. I honestly wasn't sure what to do in this situation, we still live together even though we are separated because it's all so new and he has nowhere else to go. He bought me a present, and said he wanted to give this to me but understands that we aren't celebrating. It was really, really hard. I told him I appreciated it, and that I was sorry I didn't have anything for him. Then he just said he was sad that this is how things are, and I told him I'm sad about it too, and I'm sorry. And then he cried and went upstairs. I know I have to be done with this, but this...sucked. It would be easier if we didn't live together. I just feel very guilty and like I'm doing something wrong. But I think it would have been worse to celebrate the day and give him any kind of mixed messages that things are going to be okay between us. I just want to do the right thing, but I'm trying to keep the focus on doing what I have to do for me to save my own sanity here. But this was a pretty rough test. I'm not good at doing things for me, but I am trying to still take care of myself. I got myself breakfast from my favorite place and I tried to go easy on myself at work. I'm trying. And I got through the day. I think at the end of it, I'm glad I stuck to my guns. But I am looking forward to the day that I don't have these constant tests while we live under the same roof. I'm looking forward to having a little more peace.