Wife moved out but is considering coming home

[Akindman]

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for the last 2.  About 1 year ago she was trying to go to nursing school and had to leave. At the same time I got laid off from my trades career and had to take a job making about half as much $. She was not able to work full time and keep up with her studies. She is upset with me for not being able to support her/us financially on my income alone and blames me for her not being able to go to school full time and just focus on school. We started having more relationship troubles during this time and began drifting apart. I found myself becoming resentful to her for how she was treating me poorly one minute, then wanting attention the next. I admit I was also not participating enough in household chores and was depending on her too much to manage the household chores, finances, and other things. My resentment caused me to withdraw and ignore her. Her response was to withdraw physical intimacy and emotional connection, and she eventually "gave up" on everything. She grew so angry with me that she didn't even want to talk to or look at me anymore. A few times she left for days at a time to her mom's house. This happened more than 4 times in 6 months. One of these times she wrote me a letter telling me that our relationship was over. That sent me into a total panic and I pleaded with her to come back. After a few days she did. When she first came home I was extra sweet and loving and careful not to trigger her. But then after a week or two we fell back into the same dysfunctional routines and arguing. This pattern kept up a few more times until this latest "runaway" episode which has lasted about 2 months ongoing. I was desperately lonely and feeling very guilty one day so I called her to come home to spend some time with me. She did, and almost immediately unleashed a lot of pent up rage at me about how poorly I had been treating her. I begged forgiveness and pleaded for yet another chance. She eventually calmed down and stopped yelling. She rarely if ever yells. But she did not budge on her intent to never come home again. I bawled like a child and begged her to come back and not to abandon me. She did not relent. About a month prior to this she told me that I was "no longer her FP" and that her "best friend" (another man whom I won't name here) has taken my place in that role. At first I didn't think much of it. Well it was during this event that she proposed that she would consider staying in a relationship with me if I could consider "polyamory". That made me sick to my stomach. She said he can meet her emotional needs better than I can. And that I am the best at meeting her "physical" needs. I told her I couldn't accept that arrangement. And furthermore more, I said - do you realize what you have done? You have been having an emotional affair! I told her he was just trying to use her for an opportunity to get sex with her. She denied it saying he isn't "pervy" like that... well I then said that if she isn't coming back, and she relationship is truly over I don't know if ican come back from that. It was like the next day I think, she came home to see me or to check up on her pets or something and I told her I was in such distress over her leaving and betraying me that maybe she could pack up her stuff because it was tearing me apart to see her stuff everywhere but never coming home, and running to another man. She quietly agreed. Then another day or two later she came home and we had a talk and she revealed that the affair with this man turned physical. That one night she met with him alone at a local taphouse and she was "feeling numb, and just needed to feel something". While she was cryingnto him the man put his hand on hers and asked if he could kiss her. Then somehow after that they had sex. That broke my heart completely. She said she wanted to stay froends with him, and that he is her best friend. So then a day or two later again at home she told me she thought it wasn't fair to ask to stay friends with him so she wouldn't see him alone anymore. But since he is part of a group of her best friends then he would still be around sometimes, but they wouldn't be alone. Over the last 2 months we have been working out our issues. She accuses me of "running hot and cold" and acting like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde". I bought an online course for marriage help that runs for 7 weeks but she only made it through 2 sessions and didn't really want to apply the lessons or do the work. She gave up by week 3. I'm trying to do my part still but I am falling behind. For the last couple of days we have reunited and she has stayed the night with me at home a couple nights. But we are not allowed (by her demand) to talk about the affair or much serious topics about how we got here. Mostly I am just allowed to talk about what I did or am doing wrong. I have been going to a therapist one a week for 3 weeks now. Yesterday we had a pretty good day but we sat down to talk about finances and she had an ager episode where she really started ripping into me. I'm having such a hard time dealing with her anger. I am not letting it trigger my anger like I used to. But it hurts so badly! I have promised her that I am working on being extra gentle, sensitive to her rejection sensitivity, and I am focusing heavily on gratitude. She is now considering coming home at the end of the month. Please don't advise me on letting go of the relationship. I won't do that. I know it is abusive what she is doing. I know BPD is no excuse for how she is treating me. I'm not telling you about all the wonderful things she does for me, and how kind, generous and loving she can be. I choose to believe that she is indeed my soul mate. I don't want anyone else. I just want her to get better and learn how to be a better partner. I want her to develop a stronger sense of self  and not to hurt as much. She is going to a therapist again and seems to be committed to continuing therapy. I have hope that I can keep myself safe and strong and support her recovery. But dang I sure need help doing it. I have never loved or been so deeply loved. Some of you may be thinking this sounds sick and maybe it is but I have faith we can get better. Our backstory is Ling and complicated and I have plenty of regrets of my own that I have not mentioned here. But to be clear I have always been faithful to her and always will. I see hope for us because we have made it this far and it has been just as bad or worse in the past. I know we can grow together and become better versions of ourselves. Saving my marriage is what I want more than anything in this world. Right now I need help knowing how to respond to her BPD rage moments. I know to walk away and take a walk to cool off. But I need to know what words to say to set boundaries when she is being verbally and emotionally abusive, so that I don't participate in the fighting and perpetuate the cycle.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Akindman and welcome to the group

BPD relationships can be difficult and unintuitive, with lots of hurt. I hear what you've gone through, and it's a lot. Good to know you have a therapist for yourself right now -- great move. Also good to hear that your W is in therapy.

I may have missed it; does your wife have an official diagnosis of BPD? If not, when or how did you begin to suspect it might be in play?

I just want her to get better and learn how to be a better partner. I want her to develop a stronger sense of self  and not to hurt as much. She is going to a therapist again and seems to be committed to continuing therapy. I have hope that I can keep myself safe and strong and support her recovery. But dang I sure need help doing it. I have never loved or been so deeply loved. Some of you may be thinking this sounds sick and maybe it is but I have faith we can get better. Our backstory is Ling and complicated and I have plenty of regrets of my own that I have not mentioned here. But to be clear I have always been faithful to her and always will. I see hope for us because we have made it this far and it has been just as bad or worse in the past. I know we can grow together and become better versions of ourselves. Saving my marriage is what I want more than anything in this world.

One of the unintuitive things about BPD relationships is that both parties can have, in different ways, a weak sense of self, that can contribute to the relational dynamic. What I mean by that is we often think it's "selfish" or "self-centered" to focus on who we are as individuals, in these relationships. "I should be helping her!", or "she needs my support", or "if I did more for her, she'd know I loved her", or "I need to sacrifice right now for her recovery", etc. Those mindsets keep the spotlight on the pwBPD: what does she want, what does she need, what is she going to do, what is she thinking, how is she feeling.

That kind of lopsided tilt in focus isn't good for the relationship. It also hinders the non-BPD partner from the growth needed to be healthy in that high-needs relationship. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, it can be better for the relationship for the non-BPD partner to start focusing... on themselves. Therapy is a good first step. Shining the spotlight on who you are, what your past is, what you want, what you like to do, what you need to take care of yourself... those are all critical if the relationship is going to have a shot. I wonder if anything in our workshop on What does it mean to take care of yourself? stands out to you?

Right now I need help knowing how to respond to her BPD rage moments. I know to walk away and take a walk to cool off. But I need to know what words to say to set boundaries when she is being verbally and emotionally abusive, so that I don't participate in the fighting and perpetuate the cycle.

Boundaries are an interesting, and also sometimes unintuitive, concept. Boundaries are rules we have for ourselves, that are 100% under our own control, about what we'll choose to let into our lives.

It's good to hear that you're open to learning more about boundaries, and that you recognize that boundaries -- which are for your own protection -- can be needed in high-conflict situations.

You're already setting a boundary, actually, by choosing to walk away and take a break when she rages  

Tell me more about the desire to have words to go with that. Would the words be: for your own sake, to try to explain it to her, to add on to the action, because you think you have to say something for it to be a boundary... some other reason...?

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Also, have your therapist and her therapist been released to talk with each other?

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Fill us in, whenever you get a chance. We're glad you found us.