Attitude Check

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

LE, if I could, I would go through all of this crap just so all of you could learn and spare yourself some heartache. But I cant. It takes its own course, in each persons life. I, unfortunately, am hard headed, and have to learn the hard way. I hope my posts can stop just one person. And I also hope that someone, like you, can find validation, and comfort in them. Thanks LE for sharing.

[PDQuick]

LE, if I could, I would go through all of this crap just so all of you could learn and spare yourself some heartache. But I cant. It takes its own course, in each persons life. I, unfortunately, am hard headed, and have to learn the hard way. I hope my posts can stop just one person. And I also hope that someone, like you, can find validation, and comfort in them. Thanks LE for sharing.

[Felicity]

Quick, I'm glad to hear you're better today.    I think the others on this thread had some great advice (work out, eat well, have a BP "sponser" to call when you're feeling down, etc) 

Your BP ex does not have your best interest at heart.  It's up to you to provide the love and strength that you need.  I know it's hard, especially since you're going through some BP related PTSD, but be patient. 

When I'm in a destructive mood, I have a couple of things I do to avoid dwelling on BP exh: 

work out (when I can.  Hard to do as a single mom),

Listen to certain music (Jill Scott),

Go to silly/happy websites,

go to Starbucks and get a cinnamon dolce latte (heaven!)

play my video game that night, etc.


What is your plan if this happens again?

[PDQuick]

My plan is to throw my phones in the toilet, stick a sock in my mouth, use a full roll of duct tape to keep it there, and post here. Sound good?

[spamlady]

Be sure to use a clean sock.

:-*

[Felicity]

If it works, go for it!  Just make sure the sock is clean... :P

[Felicity]

Great minds think alike, spam!   

[PDQuick]

Damn, now I have to do laundry. Does it ever end? LOL!

[turtle]

Funny about the sock --

Seriously though.  Felicity has asked you a good question.  What IS your plan?

Turtle

[PDQuick]

Turtle, you think that was a joke? Toilet lid is up. Tape and sock are here on my desk. Seriously, First I am going to think. Then, if the feeling is still there, I will put my phones up, or call a friend. I dont need to call her. I cant say anything about excercising, or doing anything, because I dont know what I will be doing when it might happen. I will realize that it is temporary, and try to shake it off. Self destruction is not my middle name.

[GawgaGirl]

Hey,

I LIKE that plan!  THAT is the one I NEED.    

One more.  I also probably need to be tied up or locked in a room by a friend.  Just so I don't FIND another phone/computer.  LOL

Made me smile.  Hard to do these days.

Like you, I know the score.  Just keep putting myself in a position for 'more' of the heartache.  :'(

[Felicity]

Have you ever heard the song "Golden" by Jill Scott?  That is my renewal song.  I love it!  Actually, the whole album is awesome, but I always lead with that song. 

What song uplifts you?  What activity makes you happy? 

Changing your thoughts might be more effective than controlling your physical actions (taping your mouth etc).  Also, if you're at work, how are you going to do it?

[spamlady]

Thinking before you start pressing buttons is a good plan.

Perhaps you can use the trick lots of smokers use when they want to quit. When they get the cigarette in their hands, they stop and think: Do I really have to have it now? Can I wait another hour? Okay, I can do that. I'll wait one hour and then reassess how badly I think I need it then. So they wait an hour and then do the same thing. Do I really have to have it now? etc, etc. They already know it's bad for them, but they're at the point of doing something they don't really want to do. So they put it off.

Just putting something off for an hour helps to demonstrate that yes, it is possible not to give in to the momentary urge. And once you've been successful with the hour-long delay, then you can go for longer stretches--till lunchtime, till the end of the day, till tomorrow, and so on.

About doing laundry-- it is good for the soul.

As you cleanse your garments, concentrate on cleansing your mind.

Remove the dirt.

Shout out the stains.

Replace the stinkiness with freshness.

Then hang it all out to dry in the sunshine.

You'll be Rinso clean!

spam

[eastmeetswest]

Alright, so you haven't said anything bout the AA type buddy.  How about dialing 211.  Just dial them and talk.  You can talk about anything and they have to listen.  It's great.  Please give it a try.  Try anything but calling her, again.  However, if you do just let us know.  Holding it in will only make it worse for you.

[PDQuick]

211? Whats that?

[eastmeetswest]

I think most states have it.  It's a crisis hotline.  You can just call the number - dial 211.  And you get to talk to someone.  I don't know about all states, but if you look in the phone book there is a 1-800 number called national crisis hotline.  When I first was breaking up with x I used it a lot.  When stuff was building in me and i thought I would implode I called.  They don't say much, but I didn't care.  Just getting it off my chest to anyone helped me.

[PDQuick]

It amazes me what a difference 24 hours make. I am feeling pretty good right now, and have been getting better all day. Almost like someone is uping the dimmer on the lights slowly. Yesterday, horrible. Today, pretty descent. I cant wait for tomorrow.

[GawgaGirl]

PDQ~

Glad to hear it!

Wish I could say the same.

Hopefully soon...

[lennic]

Shame,,,a useless emotion..it perpetually tries to fill someone else's expectations...and feeds upon falling short.

PDQ...the other day you made a post that put a chill up my spine...It was the resume of hell...you remember...one line in there about her being the thing that ran down her Mother's leg...I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say...though I wanted to very bad...

It is very hard to see anyone spoken of that way...but I bit my tongue.

Today,,I know a little more about that paragraph. Some of it was about you wasn't it? You feel weak and pathetic and duped and foolish and sometimes insane. We all use projection even you sane folks...

But you are none of those things PDQ. You are much the things that many people here sense about you and they are none of things in that resume from hell. She isn't either.

Please go to your bathroom when you finish reading my silly liteny and bring a big majic marker with you.

On the mirror that you see yourself for the first time in the morning when we do all those human things...Please write in large letters...

PDQ IS A GOOD MAN.

HE FAILS LIKE ALL MEN BUT HE BRUSHES HIS PANTS OFF AND STANDS UP.

NOT ALL MEN DO THIS,, I AM A GOOD MAN.

I WILL LOVE AGAIN AND I WILL LOVE DEEPER BECAUSE I KNOW MORE ABOUT IT.

I WILL DO ONE REAL SPECIAL THING FOR PDQ TODAY.

I WILL DO ONE SPECIAL THING FOR SOMEONE TODAY ANONOMOUSLY.

SEE YOU TOMORROW YOU WONDERFULL GUY!

In the end we really only have two directions..we can get busy living or wait for dying..

I like your potential my friend...get about it..

Lenny

[PDQuick]

I <raising my hand> PDQ do solemnly swear to avoid all contact with that miserable soul sucking, gut wrenching, selfish, back stabbing, no emotion feeling, no accountability taking, useless piece of human waste, that I will now, and forever refer to as a skin robot! I will delete all messages from that vindictive, crap spewing, emotion robbing, self serving, vampire of a sorry excuse for a human being woman. I will not go see, or let into my life that worthless, white piece of trash, that should have been dumped out on the side of someone elses road years ago. I will not involve myself with a phone conversation with someone whos best feature ran down her mother leg 42 years ago. I will not believe anything that I hear that she has projected, vommited, spewed, or forced into some elses brain. I realize that this human toxic waste dump is not only a waste of my time, but also a waste of precious oxygen consumption here on the planet earth, and is truly unworthy of my excrament, much less my time and effort. <Lowering my hand>

Lenny, I remembered something about saying that, but I couldnt remember where, so I had to go look it up, and your right. I have to say that I really dont feel that way about her, nor do I feel that way about myself. I was caught up in the anger and shame of the moment. I feel like I should apologize to all here, and also to her, as she did not deserve these words. So, with that, board, I do apologize, and to you, my former love, I do apologize as well. This is a hard thing for me to undergo, as I have felt like I have been used and discarded, with no respect, and no compassion for all of the love that I have given. This has been a hard road for me to travel, and one that I would have rather not gone down. But, I know that it is the only road for me to be on, because I am working out the issues that I need to work on to be a better man, and a better human. Through our loves destruction, my flower will bloom. I hope hers does as well. I wish no harm onto her, and I mean that. I could have made her life very difficult, and chose not to, because my love and compassion has limits, and those stop in doing someone else harm. I will never harm her intentionally, and I will try to bite my tongue in anger when it comes again, as Im sure it will.

Thank you Lenny for your post, it has both inspired me, and humbled me. May we never forget that in our journey through life, we are people, and our exs are people as well. May we thank god that we have the capability to change, and not live in the torment anymore. That is something that most of our exs cant walk away from. We have come to a parting of love, but it shouldnt be backwashed with hate, anger, and the flurry of horrific words. They do deserve some respect, after all, do onto others, and this quote is not anything I ever want to see cast in my direction.

Lenny, I thank you for the mirror invitation, and I will think about it, but I think my mirror needs to read ":)o onto others, as you would have them do onto you. Even the weak, and the disordered have the right to happiness. I have been weak, and I have been disordered at times, and my character will be tested in the dealings not only with her, but with myself in these troubled times."

[PDQuick]

Matter of fact, better yet, I think I will also print off this post and hang it on my mirror. I do need to see myself in a better light.

[elphaba]

PD you threw your recent declaration back in your own face and I did not have to do so and follow thru on my threat...

You did not deserve to be used or discarded, you did and do deserve to be loved just as you love...fully and completely and unconditionally...you are learning now to love yourself...

You'll find yourself, love the amazing person that you truly are and then love, my friend, will find you.

[Jeffree]

PDQ,

After my EX left, I was so devastated. I really had lost my will to live, but I wasn't suicidal. The rug had been yanked out from under me and I didn't know what to do. I had my whole life invested in my marriage--dreams, goals, love, affection, etc. It hurt soo much.

A week after she left, I was writing a goodbye letter to her (not a goodbye cruel world letter, mind you), just telling her how hard it was to believe it was over just like that, trying to take responsibility for my part in it as seen through her eyes, and trying to be fair about the shortcomings of our marriage.

By the time I was done pouring my heart out to her, I thought I had stumbled upon a way we could reconcile. I sent the e-mail, then made a mad dash home (3 hrs. by car) to tell her everything, make her come back to me, and win her heart all over again.

Not only did it not work, yet it was the last time I had a human moment with her and was pretty close to working, the e-mail wound up as part of her evidence against me. Granted, she lost her case for D anyway, but that's a whole nutha story.

Did I feel the fool for trying? No, because I didn't know any better, and have always been someone who knows that I have to do what I have to do. I can only be me.

Likewise, you can only be you. If you have to call the ex again in your time in need instead of reaching out to your friends, family, and bpdfamily.comers, then so be it. You know the consequences. You know how that story ends. But you can't stop the compulsion to receive torture from you ex...yet. One day you will stop and you'll never do it again. One day you will get the final hit up the backside of your head, and you'll be done with her. In the meantime, we're here for you.

Hang in there, dude.

--J

[thomaso61]

Yo Bro!

It must be hard after being with someone for so long to simply let go and go NC. Especially, when there are her kids which you considered yours involved. For me, it is a bit easier; no kids and a minimal time line of actually being involved with "crazy". Living in a separate state helps immensely as well. 

I can understand the identity issue of a couple together. For instance, friends come around and ask, "how's so and so?" Or, you go to group gatherings and people ask, "how's your wife or husband?" Your spouse becomes a definition of who you are in a way...you know?

When it's not there anymore, you lose can lose sight of yourself and struggle to define who "you" are without them in your life anymore. I guess it's why it's a "process" to figure out who you are again without them in your life. It can also leave quite a void. With that said, you really need to come to grips with your needs and wants PDQ.

Your head will forever remain in a state of spun confusion the longer you entertain the prospect of being with her. You've been here long enough to know what your dealing with. It's like being an alcoholic. Some alcoholics drink again after going to AA for a few years. Say it ain't so! Yes, going to a bar and choosing to drink again with a head full of AA knowledge is not a good mix. You have the knowledge. Do with it what you wish. Just know that we are here for you even if you continue down that path of self destruction with her. Be honest with yourself. Just raise your hand up and say, " Hi, my name is PDQ, and I'm a recovering Non from OZ and looking to get out of the FOG!" 

Neediness and loneliness and power and control come to mind. It's a powerful mix! Dam, this is the longest post in quite awhile for me. Did I make any sense?

In summation, quit thinking with your little head... : 

Try Alanon and get involved with something larger than you...

[NewLifeforHGG]

How do you feel today?

I am wondering if part of the addiction was the fact that you were so young when you got together. You really didn't experience your younger years like so many do. She was the center of your world. So many of the memories that should be carefree aren't. You spent your entire young adulthood with her and being a father.

You need to have some fun and get out there and live a little.

She is not your friend and she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Shut the door. Turn around and insert he key. Then lock it.

It is over.

[LEO]

while things are better today.she is still out to inflict pain after 26 years she knows how to.The low point was last august I sat on the porch I had been advised If she were in the house go to the porch I was there so much I felt like a potted plant.i thought this is too much Ill just take a overdose and go sleep.At that time my son came in a quick hug as he went in.Ok now youre gonna have to live.life is measured now by good days outnumber bad.Today i want to thrive not survive I have 1.7 sons here.Its coming up on a year this summer the bitter truth and she went for my jugular in every way she could.because she was having an affair?caught totally off guard by her well done plan. now its money and day to day  problems that cause my anxiety.Im amazed im still here.I will always love her but will avoid her at all cost once co parenting is up.i plan on never seeing her again.My faith in people,the system not high. its kinda like what do you expect when the one person in youre life so long turn so vile and evil.?one could go insane on that question best put that book awayfor now.knowing it will come off again and ill relive the nightmare again and again.Its be kind to Me year keeps me away from it?helps.