Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 11, 2017, 05:28:39 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Why do we employ self defeating behaviors to resolve relationship conflict Sound off here!
Administrator: heartandwhole
Moderators: Meili, once removed
Member support team: DaddyBear77, Flourdust, pearlsw, Tattered Heart, Turkish, wendydarling, Woolspinner2000
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
Pages: 1 ... 5 [6]  All   Go Down
Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: How it feels to have BPD  (Read 65998 times)
Retired Staff
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2255

« Reply #50 on: December 10, 2013, 02:49:37 PM »

i've found oceanheart's posts illuminating and i hope she comes back sometime.

i also foud zena's reply #36 above described my own frustration very well.


Offline Offline

Posts: 7

« Reply #51 on: May 27, 2014, 04:06:34 PM »

One thing I don't understand is in normal condition (When Boarderline's are happy and in good mood),  Why they can't understand that their thoughts and assumptions are unrealistic.. Can they believe it if they get this info from trusted source

For Example if we tell them that "20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:" given by Oceanheart in one of the post, these assumptions are just the part of their disorder and not realistic. will it help by anyway?
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 332

« Reply #52 on: May 27, 2014, 05:25:49 PM »

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:

  1. I will always be alone

  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

  4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

  6. I have no control of myself.

  7. I can't discipline myself.

  8. I don't really know what I want.

  9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.

Source: Behaviour Research & Therapy article [only abstract available]

Thanks for posting this. What I find so unbelievably ironic is that for a BPD person, the ultimate fear is abandonment, and yet they do and say things that make it incredibly difficult for their partners to NOT abandon them. It's like the abandonment becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 53

« Reply #53 on: June 05, 2014, 10:08:50 PM »

Hi, this isn't my first post here, but I had no idea where else to post this ...  

I have found this forum very helpful and my now ex wife has reached a point of self awareness where she is actively partaking in self managed DBT. She constantly relies on me to articulate her BPD traits so she can put them in a diary or jog her memory. I thought it might be better for her to use a forum like this to get this kind of help.

I am trying to focus on the co-parenting after separation side of things and would prefer to keep my distance as far as therapy related stuff goes.

Do you know of any forums that she might benefit from?

Rapt Reader
Retired Staff
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 3628

« Reply #54 on: June 05, 2014, 10:28:45 PM »

Hello, ZigZiglar 

I think it is great that you have a decent enough relationship with your Ex-wife that she is willing to take your advice, and it's very wonderful that she is willing to seek help for herself. I wish you, and her, all the best in your continuing relationship dealing with your children 

We actually recommend that people with BPD go here: Resources for BPD Sufferers.

Here are a few more links that would help your wife:

BPD Forums at Psych Central

Healing From BPD.org

Recovery Realm

DBT Self Help

I hope this answers your questions  wink


Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 53

« Reply #55 on: June 05, 2014, 11:01:33 PM »

Many thanks for the links! My relationship with my wife is a lot better since she moved out, but we still have our ups and downs. I just find it SO much easier to look after myself and step away when her behaviour is out of line as I have my own safe haven (house) to fall back to. And obviously her expectations of me have lowered astronomically, so she actually appreciates the things I do to help now, unlike before.

She even said herself that she realises in retrospect that she subconsciously places expectations on me like a child would a parent - she was seeking unconditional love and radical acceptance with no consequences for any of her mistakes or bad behaviour. In other words she wanted something I couldn't give her - well something that NO ONE can give her (hence why she wants it so much?) since her mother committed suicide when she was 9 and was a terrible mother up until that point and she doesn't have anything to do with her deadbeat father. etc

As is fairly typical for BPD sufferers, she used me as a scapegoat for all her bad behaviour and only after separatinghas she reached a constructive level of self awareness. So in that sense it's much better for both of us. Just a pity we didn't meet in a few years time - not just for us, but for our children too ...  
Links and Information
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements

Google+ (Professional)

Your Account

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account

Pages: 1 ... 5 [6]  All   Go Up
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2017, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!