5.02 | Believing in yourself

[united for now]

I think believing in yourself means knowing that you are doing the right thing. As easy as that sounds, sometimes it can be a struggle. We all live with doubt in various areas of our lives. We can't be experts in all things, (although some seem to enjoy acting that way). So I thought to myself - how do I know what I'm good at? How do you know you're a good parent? A good employee? A good gardener? A good artist? A good listener? A good friend? A good lover?

We know this because we are constantly evaluating ourselves and we critique our performance as either good or bad.  We ask ourselves; Was this good enough? Am I done? Should I do more? Will others like it? Hate it? That voice we hear is doubt and uncertainty, our own worst critic.

I think the BP in many of our lives feeds and magnifies this inner critic of ours. They blame us for everything that goes wrong (remember rule 1).  And we buy what they are selling each and every time.  They belittle us and criticize us to such a degree that we are afraid to try or to speak out, in case we are wrong. We don't want to hear anymore blame or hurtful words. We just want peace.

We allow them to create the conditions so that we feel bad about ourselves, even though they are often the ones who are in the wrong. It seems as though we actually have two problems. Not only are some of us our own worst critics, we also have a mentally ill person placing all responsibility on our shoulders for anything and everything bad. 

So how did the Cowardly Lion finally find the courage to stand up and fight the Wicked Witch of the West? He believed he had something to fight for. He believed that he had done what was requested and he believed in fair play. He had begun to believe in himself.

How can you do the same?

Step1 - Choose a mantra or motto that you can repeat to yourself every day. Try something like, "I can do whatever I put my mind to"

... .

Step2 - Learn that your opinion is the only one that matters. Put aside the petty thoughts and opinions of others. In your life, you are the only one who has to wake up to yourself and your reality every day.

... .

Step3 - Speak up for your opinions at work, school or at home. When you break out of a submissive role in your interactions with others, you will begin to build confidence in your own voice and judgment.

... .

Step4 - Try anything, even if you have a voice in the back your mind telling you that it isn't possible. Even the smallest triumphs can build up a sense of self, and can help you believe in yourself the next time you are faced with a challenge or goal.

... .

Step5 - Talk yourself out of self-defeating behavior. When you begin to tell yourself that you can't accomplish a certain goal in life, you are letting yourself fail before you even try. Begin by reversing your self speech that brings you down, and tell yourself the opposite.

... .

Step6 - Surround yourself with people you admire. You can more easily believe in yourself when you are with people who have goals and work to achieve them. Walk up to someone you admire for going back to school and holding down and job, and ask them how they managed it. This can open up the way to friendship and ideas about how you can accomplish your goals.

Heres a story I found on the internet, that I found interesting:

A few years ago, students in medical school were entering the classroom for the final exam of one of the most difficult courses in the whole curriculum. The students had studied non stop for days, and were as prepared as they could be. The professor sat quietly at his desk at the front of the room.

As the bell rang, the professor slowly walked over and closed the door. Then he turned to the class and said "anyone who does not want to take this exam can leave now and earn a B for this course." The students exchanged glances, trying to decide what the kicker was, and then the professor repeated the statement. Students hurriedly got up and left the classroom.

About a dozen students were left. The professor looked around and said "last chance – you can leave now and be guaranteed a B for this course." A few more students got up and left with a look of relief on their faces.

With about 8 students left in the room, the professor shut the door, then turned to the students and said "congratulations. You have all demonstrated that you believe in yourself and I give you an A for this course. You are excused."

... .

Would you have left the room?

Do you believe in yourself?

[JoannaK]

UFN, this is a great Workshop topic!  Let's see if we can get some responses this time around.

I'm going to be a coward here... .I think it would have to depend on whether or not I thought I was going to do well in the class... .   How much I had studied, how well I had done on prior assignments, etc.  If I thought I had a good chance at an A, I would have stayed. 

[Wanda]

 I know me i am not good at studing and never was i could study all night and yes i would leave if i was quenteed that B due to not sure even if i studied what grade i would get. i can say my self esteem never was the greatest over time it has gotten better and then i was able to then show my kids the importance of self esteem they do so much more then i did when i was there age they are involved in so much more i never was involved in anything i just stayed in my shell.  my daughter is so much more stronger then i ever was able to speak her mind and be more of a leader i am so glad i was able to raise them this way due to  i didn't want for them what i had and that was so low self esteem i wanted them to achieve and beleive they could, because of my low self esteem i was very shy growing up got involved with the wrong group of kids, didn't do well at jobs didn't think i could do much of anything, got involved with the wrong kind of men, i am much better now but i am also 47 took many years and a BPDh to get me where i am at ,and the funny thing is he  doesn't know his actions made me so much stronger it made me look at me . 8)

[DragoN]

I would have sat the exam,... .I wouldn't have believed he'd give an A for nothing.

Step2 - Learn that your opinion is the only one that matters. Put aside the petty thoughts and opinions of others. In your life, you are the only one who has to wake up to yourself and your reality every day.

This one made me chuckle... .Reminded me of  "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

GAWD... .it's Awful... .but for some reason... . helped me grind my heels into the dirt when my dad was off on a nasty tangent flipped that over my shoulder as I flew out the door... .LOL


UFN... .you've got some awesome ideas.

Thank you

[HeartOfaBuddha]

I would have stayed because I'm a good test taker and too competitive to settle for a B.  Plus, in the scenario I was prepared for the test.  I'm working toward believing in myself in life other than academics and work.

Peace & Metta

[SeekingSerenity]

I would have hesitated, and think about whether I would have taken the test, then I may have wallowed and left because I would be afraid I didn't study enough... .crazy I know ?

[united for now]

I would have looked around at what others were doing, afraid to be the one who walks out first, and then as more and more people left, the urge would have been tremendous to follow them. I would have dithered and fidgeted, but I like to believe that I would have had the courage to stay, even though I would have been uncomfortable and edgy about staying... .

Yeah, how much do we believe in ourselves?

[Shanley]

Thanks for sending me over here, United. Things to consider.

I think I would I have done exactly what you said!

[healinghome]

in response to the test question; i would sit the test, because i'd be more interested in the grade to see how much i knew and what i needed to work on.  IMO the 'test' should actually be called an 'evaluation' to learn more about ourselves.  the learning is more important than the test results... .if that makes sense?

Step1 - Choose a mantra or motto that you can repeat to yourself every day. Try something like, "I can do whatever I put my mind to"

'i'm the primary power in my life'

Step2 - Learn that your opinion is the only one that matters. Put aside the petty thoughts and opinions of others. In your life, you are the only one who has to wake up to yourself and your reality every day.

i'm trying to do this more. i panic alot around others out of fear of being condemed as the 'problem' as i have been with my foo.  i'm slowly getting better at it and am finding that meditation and yoga are seriously helping me centre myself.

Step3 - Speak up for your opinions at work, school or at home. When you break out of a submissive role in your interactions with others, you will begin to build confidence in your own voice and judgment.

not quite there yet. but hope to be one day.

Step4 - Try anything, even if you have a voice in the back your mind telling you that it isn't possible. Even the smallest triumphs can build up a sense of self, and can help you believe in yourself the next time you are faced with a challenge or goal

.

that thought is so subconscious that its hard to be aware of.  i just don't go near the things i don't think i can handle.  but i'm beginning to become curious about them.

Step6 - Surround yourself with people you admire. You can more easily believe in yourself when you are with people who have goals and work to achieve them. Walk up to someone you admire for going back to school and holding down and job, and ask them how they managed it. This can open up the way to friendship and ideas about how you can accomplish your goals.

am currently disabled and housebound.  but i've found more support on here than i ever found in my life before disability.   xoxo

[ifsogirl26]

I would have stayed unless it was PHYSICS!

No seriously in work and school I strive to do the best I can do. If I study for a test I want to take it and get an A. I had honors in school.

Now certain subjects I just plain struggle with. Physics I studied like crazy and never got above a B. All my other stuff I did really good and would want to know exactly what I missed and why.

My struggle with myself is more of trusting me to make life changing decisions in regard to personal relationships. My emotions are tricky and I have a hard time knowing how I will feel. Plus having BPDh say one thing and the world another confuses me. I have come a long way in trusting myself and still have more work to do.

[beinggentle]

Step1 - Choose a mantra or motto that you can repeat to yourself every day. Try something like, "I can do whatever I put my mind to"

'I am worthy of believing in myself.' I wonder how many times you have to repeat it until you believe it unconditionally? It's so easy to say. But often my actions contradict my words. I know one thing. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of coming up against this wall again and again. I'm beginning to believe my past will always be hanging over my shoulders, weighing me down in some shape or form. I wonder if there really is anyone in the world, who can live through an unsupportive past and truly, really come to a place where they can say they're healed from it. They've honestly forgiven for good. And have released absolutely all their anger and pain from it. I'm growing more skeptical.

[C12P21]

I would have stayed, not because I wouldn't have wanted to earn an easy B but simply because I work in the field of education and wouldn't trust any instructor to have that kind of authority over a test. The thought of his question being an exercise in how much I believed in myself wouldn't occur to me, rather, I would have considered it a momentary lapse in judgement of a professor.

I struggle with believing in myself but I suspect that remaining to test is a demonstration that I believe in fair play, if I am there to learn, then I need to reflect what I have learned.

As far as grades go, no test can  measure  what I know, it is a construct that measures in a limited way my knowledge of a subject area. It doesn't measure how well I think but rather, how well I respond within a framework to testing.

But that's just me.

C

[Shaktipat]

I found these values in a book that I read regarding communicating with difficult people,  and they were so in line with my own,  that copied them down:

I am responsible for:

My actions and responses

To carry out my duties to the best of my ability

To maintain the highest ethics,  REGARDLESS of pressure to lower the bar

To act with maturity,  REGARDLESS of the immaturity of anyone around me

My attitude

Compromising when possible to keep a healthy balance within the relationship

To support and encourage,  REGARDLESS of whether I am supported or encouraged

Changing the way I respond if my responses to an irregular person are born out of anger,  as opposed to the sorrow for the joys they miss by their controlling and demeaning attitudes

I don't know who wrote it,  but I really like it.  I am going to maintain my integrity EVEN IF I AM THE ONLY ONE DOING SO.

[Gidget]

I think believing in yourself means knowing that you are doing the right thing. As easy as that sounds, sometimes it can be a struggle. We all live with doubt in various areas of our lives. We can't be experts in all things, (although some seem to enjoy acting that way). So I thought to myself - how do I know what I'm good at? How do you know you're a good parent? A good employee? A good gardener? A good artist? A good listener? A good friend? A good lover?

We know this because we are constantly evaluating ourselves and we critique our performance as either good or bad.  We ask ourselves; Was this good enough? Am I done? Should I do more? Will others like it? Hate it? That voice we hear is doubt and uncertainty, our own worst critic.

I think the BP in many of our lives feeds and magnifies this inner critic of ours. They blame us for everything that goes wrong (remember rule 1).  And we buy what they are selling each and every time.  They belittle us and criticize us to such a degree that we are afraid to try or to speak out, in case we are wrong. We don't want to hear anymore blame or hurtful words. We just want peace.

We allow them to create the conditions so that we feel bad about ourselves, even though they are often the ones who are in the wrong. It seems as though we actually have two problems. Not only are some of us our own worst critics, we also have a mentally ill person placing all responsibility on our shoulders for anything and everything bad. 

So how did the Cowardly Lion finally find the courage to stand up and fight the Wicked Witch of the West? He believed he had something to fight for. He believed that he had done what was requested and he believed in fair play. He had begun to believe in himself.

How can you do the same?

Step1 - Choose a mantra or motto that you can repeat to yourself every day. Try something like, "I can do whatever I put my mind to"

... .

Step2 - Learn that your opinion is the only one that matters. Put aside the petty thoughts and opinions of others. In your life, you are the only one who has to wake up to yourself and your reality every day.

... .

Step3 - Speak up for your opinions at work, school or at home. When you break out of a submissive role in your interactions with others, you will begin to build confidence in your own voice and judgment.

... .

Step4 - Try anything, even if you have a voice in the back your mind telling you that it isn't possible. Even the smallest triumphs can build up a sense of self, and can help you believe in yourself the next time you are faced with a challenge or goal.

... .

Step5 - Talk yourself out of self-defeating behavior. When you begin to tell yourself that you can't accomplish a certain goal in life, you are letting yourself fail before you even try. Begin by reversing your self speech that brings you down, and tell yourself the opposite.

... .

Step6 - Surround yourself with people you admire. You can more easily believe in yourself when you are with people who have goals and work to achieve them. Walk up to someone you admire for going back to school and holding down and job, and ask them how they managed it. This can open up the way to friendship and ideas about how you can accomplish your goals.

Heres a story I found on the internet, that I found interesting:

A few years ago, students in medical school were entering the classroom for the final exam of one of the most difficult courses in the whole curriculum. The students had studied non stop for days, and were as prepared as they could be. The professor sat quietly at his desk at the front of the room.

As the bell rang, the professor slowly walked over and closed the door. Then he turned to the class and said "anyone who does not want to take this exam can leave now and earn a B for this course." The students exchanged glances, trying to decide what the kicker was, and then the professor repeated the statement. Students hurriedly got up and left the classroom.

About a dozen students were left. The professor looked around and said "last chance – you can leave now and be guaranteed a B for this course." A few more students got up and left with a look of relief on their faces.

With about 8 students left in the room, the professor shut the door, then turned to the students and said "congratulations. You have all demonstrated that you believe in yourself and I give you an A for this course. You are excused."

... .

Would you have left the room?

Do you believe in yourself?

Awesome I was told to read this article. I think I would have stayed although I have lost that confidence finding it again

[unicorn2014]

I definitely would have stayed in the room.

I appreciate this comment.

When you break out of a submissive role in your interactions with others, you will begin to build confidence in your own voice and judgment.

... .

I actually started out in a submissive role by my own choice in my r/s with my pwBPD, and then after talking about it in therapy week after week I came to realize that my pwBPD was not healthy enough to be in a dominant role with me and I broke out of that submissive role.

[resago]

I would have stayed.  I wouldn't have believed him and thought it was a trick.  I guess that's doing the right thing for the wrong reason but it works for me most of the time.