Stroll down memory lane

[PDQuick]

I go back through my posts every once in a while, just to see my mindset in the past. I just looked back and found something rather interesting. It was one year ago this week that the last successful re-engagement happened. We had been broken up for 7 months. She had been married for 4. This was the second "romantic" situation that we had since her marriage. It was the turning point for me. It was the point at which I took power back from her. It was interesting to go back and read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61171.0

Do any of you long time posters have any similar turning points? Can I ask you to find them and post them here?

[turtle]

Interesting idea Quick --

Here's my turning point:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=54234.msg496810#msg496810


It was amazing read that NOW!

Turt

[Karma Police]

Mine was about a year ago when I started this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60453.0

It took another few months to really grasp the thoughts rumbling about in my head, but I finally "got it".  Got MY portion of feeding into the frenzy.  I've never shown this to anyone before, but a really btchin' email from our dear Cyndi that read this changed things immensely:

"I'm so sorry Minx,  Don't be afraid to bug me, that's why I'm still here!

Yep, it happened to me too.  He was on the dating sites for a few weeks before I found out about it. Never let on for a moment.  I had already moved half of my stuff in to the house he bought for US!

Broke up with me over a e-mail, and sent all my stuff back to me UPS.

Haven't heard from him since.

Yes, I know the pain you speak of all too well.

Yes, it had taken me about 4 months to pull myself out of this.  But the number one thing you have to do is NO CONTACT.  That not only means talking directly to him, but to anyone who has anything to do with him.  You don't need any kind of imformation about him at all.  You didn't need to know that now did you?  It stops today.

Second, You have to do the thought stopping thing.  This is really difficult at first, but trust me, this will save your life and your sanity.  The minute, and I mean the MINUTE a thought of him enters you mind STOP.  Replace it with something else, or someone else.  Do not let yourself obsess about the jerk.  He is occupying space in your mind for free.  Don't!  I know this may sound dumb, but trust me, the less you think about him the better.

And lastly, I want you to think about the fact that this is NOT what real love is supposed to feel like.  Your body is trying to tell you something Minxy, this is TOXIC for you.  It is a fact that NPD"S only choose partners who are exceptional in some way.  Their partners are an extention of themselves, part of their ego's.  This should tell you that there is something very exceptional about you, your probably gorgeous too.  That's why they chose you to begin with.

That being said. of course you deserve better than this.  Please don't let a jerk take you down to his level.  You don't belong there.  Hey, I had my bad days too, muster up enough self esteem within yourself to ride it out.  If I can do it, anyone can!  Make some plans, have something to look forward to everyday.

I know that you can do it.  And come out on top!  prove to him and everyone else how above this you are.

Don't feel ashamed for slipping up sometimes.  This rollarcoaster doesn't stop just because you got off the ride!

trust me, some day your going to wake up and he will NOT be he first thing you think of when you wake up.

Then you know, that you have won.

But, he will still be a miserable little weasel that he always was.

Till then, NO NEW IMFORMATION about him OK?

NC=NO NEW HURT

(((((Minxy)))))  I know you can do it girl!"

[turtle]

Minxy -- THAT is awesome.  Isn't it amazing to look back and actually see where the transformation started.  You go girl.  You're free of that Jackassholio!

Turtle

[MikeAnon]

The Amazement you get from looking back and scratching your head is personal growth.  Good to hear

[oneflewover]

My turning point were many little steps taken along the way...or rather a building of blocks one by one (to which I built a solid case as to why he is not good for me) where I created a solid wall between him and I.

I never had one incident or moment, it has been a series of events that ultimately concluded me to let go, give up faith, accept the sickness, embrace the rejection, and get over the whole shock and awe of who he is now.

I can't imagine what that must have been like PDQuick to have been re-engagemented 7 months later by her, who was only four months into your marriage.  Insulted, validated, and plain old revolted.

oneflewover

   

[PDQuick]

Actually Oneflower (  ) She had gotten married, not me, and as for how it felt, it felt like the pain of a needles prick, as the cure for what ailed me was injected, at the time. It was the final piece in the puzzle, I was ready for it, and I saw the piece go right into place, showing me that everything I had learned here was true.

[oneflewover]

I knew that but for some reason I typed your instead of her...SORRY...I promise I do pay attention...

OFO

[MikeAnon]

Quick,

I never told you this but I don't know that I could have handled watching her get married (given where you were at the time)  I think I would have lost it mentally and emotionally. 

I'm happy you are in a better place now. 

[PDQuick]

It was devestating to me. But I knew she was doing it out of spite, and other reasons. Just further validation of the fact that I wouldnt marry her. It turned out good for me, buut her marriage only lasted less than a year. I wrote her a letter the day before she got married, it all came true.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56348.0

It is really strange to read this and see the outcome before, and after the fact.

[MikeAnon]

You've experienced a lot of personal growth.  You made a hard decision and faced the consequences versus going back  and now...

have you ever measured your peace of mind today versus the days with her?

big difference I bet...

[PDQuick]

Mike, I had gone back countless times. Im not different than any of us here. I made huge mistakes, and paid the price for it. The only think I have now is understanding of the dynamics, and my role. Thank you for compliments.

And yes, there is peace now in my life, but there is still a void, which I am trying to fill myself. Its a process. Life is a process.

[oneflewover]

Do you feel like you may be closer to seeing the gift of her leaving/getting married may be for you.

Don't get me wrong.  The stuff she did, they do, no one deserves to go through that--no one.  But maybe, just maybe PDQuick, her exit may have been the catalyst for "your" awakenings? 

oneflewover

[PDQuick]

Exactly Oneflower  It took a person like her to shake me down to the core and allow me to see my faults, and I had/have many. If it wasnt her, it would have been someone like her. It was me that allowed her to influence and hurt me the way she did. It was my own inadequacies that brought this on. It was my weaknesses that allowed it all to happen, especially for the length of time it did.

Once we all learn our roles in these relationships, we will be at peace with what happened and not hold any hostility to our teachers. It was going to happen, somewhere, sometime, somehow. it doesnt matter who, what, when, why, or how, all tahe matters is that we learned the lesson, and stopped the cycle.

[oneflewover]

And that is because people only see what they are prepared to see.

The gifts that come from self-examination can almost be priceless.

oneflewover

[elphaba]

This thread made me read back through alot of my old posts...also made me cry, but, that is besides the point.

About a year ago I really started on a major healing kick, started posting alot of articles, motivations, and stuff that was helping me at the time...and posted this thread...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61100.msg576884#msg576884

It really does come down to making it about us and not them anymore, not regurgitating all the ways that they did us wrong and simply motivating ourselves to heal from it all. ... stopping our own victimization and finding the road to recovery.

[MikeAnon]

One of these days we'll have to see who has gone back more...LOL kidding.

Yea, I know of that feeling you refer to as a void.  Some call it a hole.  and you are smart for realizing that you have to fill it yourself.   I've recently discovered a large void - part of it was from being in toxic relatioships (my own doing)  and I know its something I need to work on (and feel good about me) before I enter into a serious commitment.

[TonyC]

i had two turning points...

when she dissapeared in to the night one night...later to find out it was the voices? wne to live with the daughter, then kicked out.., then moved in with some guy.

well i did my month of depression...

then want out and met many women dated many women..returned to happy hour., got my game back on in no time at all...i was like a prisoner.. who was just released...so i learned again how to dress, how to smell and how to strut..i was reborn...

9 months later... got a call from her from the psych ward...so i went to see her.. thought that rock bottom has been reached...for her... and this was my time to make her into what i needed to be...oh that noise was me kicking myself in the ass...i was a player again,, work was great , more female companionship.. than you could imagine..cars, boats. weekends with whoever...

the ex hugged me kissed me fifty times...really held me hard...but while she was hugging me... im looking around..the ward..., i had like those flash back moments going on...little short moments our our chaotic past.. were rapidly going thru my head...

that was my flashback moment... i had traveled to far out of the BPD zone... to be dragged back in...but i vivited her everyday for a month or two... but i had to much good stuff going on.. to surrerender it ...i wanted to think it would change..i would visit her.. then go on a date... with a normal woman?

i got to see black and white... she was released form the pshych ward... and just did my evaluation test..

she failed ...every categorie..i wasnt coming back..

[mtn]

Rut Roh...perhaps time for a little confession.

Im only a little more than 4 months out...short time, I guess, but...

I have no desire right now to go back and review my old posts.  I did that several months ago...and maybe that was a turning point.  But right now...I have no desire to relive the past.  I like where I am now...perhaps I have a little fear in that reviewing the past will trigger a bunch of crap I don't want right now.

Perhaps, my healing isnt as solid...perhaps, I've just moved on and the past is the past.  I've got my lessons and experience.  Boundaries and the will to enforce them.  So...I guess Im questioning the value for me to do that.

That said...my turning point...actually getting to work on a project for a company and getting back out and being social.  Dating.  Even making mistakes in dating.  My confidence and self esteem were on the rise...and that seemed to feedback on meeting and attracting people.  Even work was fun...I was adding demonstrable value.  The darkest days for me were when I was on the bench (not working a gig).  Had all that free time to fret and think the worst thoughts.  Havent been to T in about a month...but I need to check in.

Life is good.  Its great to be alive.

[Jeffree]

I believe my first month of posts were lost when they did the transfer from Randi's original site to bpdfamily.com. However, here's an oldy but a goody. It's from me to my L. three weeks after my ex up and left. I am surprised by my calmness and relative clarity, but also remember how devastated I was.

Thomas,

Well, my wife came home Sat. night, and we spoke some about disassembling the marriage and distributing the assets. Needless to say, the conversation wasn't very productive, and quickly deteriorated into another one of her blame games. However, I did give her your card and told her I have retained you. So, you should be hearing something from her lawyer, who is out of Albany, relatively soon. I thought she said his name was Jack Webster or something like that.

I gave her all our financial documents with the hope that she will disclose everything fairly and honestly. I was just so tired of her badgering that I just gave up. I have copies of rudimentary stuff, but nothing like what she took.

I am hoping this might all be a simpler matter than I suspect, but who knows? I did outline to her what I believe to be the case. 1) That she has no grounds for divorce. 2) That she is likely to file a separation agreement. 3) That I am under no obligation to sign the separation agreement. 4) That her commission will become marital assets the longer this drags on. 5) If she wants me out of her life before the commissions start rolling in, then it'll cost her. I hope those things are correct. I assume I shouldn't have said them, but I was so pissed off at her I couldn't help it. 

She seemed to think otherwise regarding the whole issue. I got the sense from her that she thinks she has grounds for divorce and that her salary is not a marital asset, which if true would shut me out of receiving any benefit from all the time I spent making sacrifices for her career. 

One thing she seemed to want to harp on is my extended period of unemployment, which lasted 1 1/2 years from 11/2002-3/2004. For the first six months I collected unemployment while looking for a job and a house for us to move into in NYS as mandated by her employer.

One of the difficulties in finding a job was not knowing WHERE we were going to move. So, while I could look throughout the whole state, it was hard to focus on any one specific area. Then, when we moved it was hard officially getting a job. There was always plenty of leads, hope, and interviews, but it took a lot longer than expected. However, all the while, she never said any of it was impacting her negatively. So, I guess she feels as though it's a tit for tat kind of scenario when it comes to proving career support. 

Oh, by the way, her boss called at 2:30 a.m. while we were having this very intense, lengthy conversation. I found that to be extremely inappropriate, but she insists that he's just a concerned friend looking out for her behalf. I don't know what to believe in this regard, but it just seems too fishy. Plus, I am not sure if that even matters. 

A couple of questions... 1) It sounds as though she wants me out of the house, otherwise she is going to put me on the hook for half the monthly mortgage bill. What is my best option in this regard? I know you said I can just go about rebuilding my life now, but don't want to be charged with abandonment a year down the line if I move out. Plus, I don't know how long it'll take me to find a place. Should I just stay there, pay 1/2 the mortgage, and look for a place after this is all settled. I believe it would make the most sense for me to leave asap, but don't want to do anything hasty if it'll hurt me in the long run.

2) The car I drive is in her name. We are upside down in it to the tune of about $5,000. Should I take over the payments OR have her sell it and split the cost to get out of the car with her? Ultimately, I would like a newer, more fuel-efficient vehicle in my own name, but would consider the most cost-effective solution to this issue. 

Those are the two burning questions I have right now. I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Jeffree

[pizaluvr]

I have so many pathetic posts, I can't pick one!

Oh my!

I have come so far!

I'm like elphaba though, I cried.

pizaluvr