SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[jd+jd]

This test appears to focus on depression.  I scored a 4, but I've always been very positive and have never been prone to depression.  Been out almost 7 months and the 6 months before that were more off than on.  BP and I didn't marry, live together, or have children.  So I'm moving on pretty well.

JD   

[washto]

got a 36- still living with and trying to work things out with her- the score probably reflects that

A month ago it would have been higher but the suicide stuff is over

[eggshell]

I think that I'm doing really well. I'm not depressed at all. The residue I have left over is anything to do with feelings for people. I'm just petrified that anyone will even come close to X. I know in my head that not many people even come close to being as horrible as him-- but I still haven't gotten that down in my heart. I still fear everyone will hurt me like he did. And even now... .I can't even handle the little rejections very well. They still remind me of my ex, also. Can't handle very much... .even more than 2 years out.

[faux]

I am sure Idid this before but I can not find my post.  I think I was like 11 then.  I did it again just now because I knew I would score higher this time.  I am at 26 this time.  I toldmy T last week that I a emotionally worse than I was the day I filed rghtnow.  Friends are finding out and taking sides... i feel as if I have no privacy in m house.  The loss is great. 

[Auspicious]

I got a 35. It was interesting to me how punctuated my answers were (lots of 3s, lots of 0s) but I guess people handle depression in different ways.

More interesting to me than the test itself were my reactions to it.

My initial reaction was to be very surprised that my score was so high.

Then I thought more about it, and objectively I'm quite surprised that it wasn't higher.

[new@40]

in the mid to high 30s.  I look forward to the day when that number goes down!

[Peace4us]

I scored 20.  I'm working on getting that dealt with.

I figure God has a lot of faith in me to give me so much challenge all at once.

Peace

[Charles6722]

I scored 25 I'm a stayer... .:

[SuddenlySense]

OMG, I just took this again and scored a 10!  And I'm not even that "perky" today!  Must be getting over this!  I was quite a bit higher... .in the 20's... .when I first did this.  Wow!

[Bair]

I scored a 27.  I am a bit jet lagged and have been reviewing my IRA.  Even taking that into account, I am still likely to be above 20.

I will have to try again later.

[crystal]

6-12.

Two years ago, I would have been 54-58! Only Major difference in my life is that I exited OZ!

If you are still in oz and scoring in the depressed range. Seriously think about changing something.  It is NICE being happy, and not feelng guilty or worthless! 

Crystal

[csandra]

Today I scored 10-11, 2years ago I would have scored 68.  What's even worse, the 68 was not just a bad day or week.  There were a few months when I literally woke up crying every morning and the really bad part was that my uNPDxh was treating me with such dishonor and disrespect you would have thought I'd be thrilled to NOT be waking up next to him.

It DOES get better but first it just gets different. 

[HeartOfaBuddha]

I scored a 29 which is not surprising.  I believe I am still in the very early recovery stages.  I am doing my best to keep my focus on what it best for me and daughter.  My partner is in a place where there is currently very little acting out.  I will not be re-engagemented. 

Peace,

[Samuell]

5 today, yippeee!

[Bananahead289]

Well, I scored a whopping 42 today. I knew I was under a lot of stress recently with a possible job change, a wedding coming up and difficulties with my younger D - plus turning 50 about a month ago. I don't know why the whole age thing is bothering me so much.  I think there's some real self-loathing that's been coming out of deep within me lately and I'm struggling a bit.  I think it's time to go back to the therapist for a tune-up.

[AnalogGuy]

I scored a 56.  At least I'm not Extremely depressed!  (feels like it though!)

I was feeling so good for the few months after I got out, then it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.  I am inspired by the number of people who said they would have scored so high just a year ago and are doing so much better now.  I strive to be like those people, to get out of the pain and suffering I am in now and instead enjoy the things I have.  Because I do have some things to be grateful for.  I just need to count my blessing and get through work each day... .one day at a time.

AG

[reeleesit]

My score is 42. Could be because I'm pregnant and my stbxBPD is still in the house but we broke up. ( sigh) Baby will be here in 6 weeks so maybe that will perk me up.

Anxious for better days. :'(

[dea0328]

my score was 42. Going through difficult times right now. Not only with BPDh (he left me again last night) but with legal issues with ex. Today I haven't even made my bed... .I'm usually very organized and clean. Just want to watch tv and veg out.  :'(

[reeleesit]

Looks like we're in the same boat dea.

I woke up this morning feeling a mess. I'm going to post about it in a few. I thought I was on the right track. I don't know what's happening. This is such a painful painful thing. It could be because I feel the baby move so much and I can't share it with him. I don't know but his illness is breaking my heart. I can't wait for my therapy appt.  I feel soo lonely right now and stuck in a catch 22 with my living arrangements. :'( :'( I wish I knew what it is about me that I value myself so lowly that I've subjected myself to this type of emotional abuse. I actually realized last night that it hasnt been only my stbx that has done this to me ( or should I say I've allowed to do to me), so did my ex husband, and every single person I have ever been involved with. Honestly, I'm 40 years old and I don't know what love is. I've never really felt it from anyone. I'll give it but it's never really been given to me. I don't want to leave this world and not experience being valued by the person who I love. I'm tired of begging for love. I'm a good person. What am I doing wrong? I don't know  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[HeartOfaBuddha]

Honestly, I'm 40 years old and I don't know what love is. I've never really felt it from anyone. I'll give it but it's never really been given to me. I don't want to leave this world and not experience being valued by the person who I love. I'm tired of begging for love. I'm a good person. What am I doing wrong? I don't know  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

 That's a hard place to be - I'm sure.  I'm sorry you're feeling so low.  This should be a joyous time in your life. 

Why do you think that you're doing something wrong?  Maybe you're just doing what you know, what you've been taught, what you've always done.  Now you've come to a place where that doesn't work for you anymore and you just haven't figure out what you're going to do instead.  But, you will.  You will.

Peace and Metta,

[Bair]

53 today.

[carolt0604]

32 ugh!   I feel good some days, others great, sometimes horrible.  I have just embarked on a journey to really get to know myself, FOG is lifting but it still hangs around sometimes.   I have noticed the one thing that I am actively trying to change is to STOP being coodependent.  I want to change that into a real empathy for people, but be able to hold back when it is obvious they need to help themselves and take responsibility for their own actions.  I dont have fear any more, dont have obligation, but the guilt is still there at times.  So two outta 3 aint bad, as sung by Meatloaf, LOL.

[Wanda]

 okay i took the test and i got a 6 not bad thought it would be worse but my sadness isnt' from my BPD but from my daughter and some of the decisions she seems to make make me sad...

[libertine]

Wow this is bad. I'm too embarrassed to say what I scored (but it's extreme depression). I guess that should tell me something, as I used to always be a pretty happy, upbeat person. I really hope things turn around soon.

[AnalogGuy]

Hang in there Libertine.  I'm right with you at the bottom of the pit.  Are you seeing someone about this?  Antidepressants are useful and talking to a T can help a ton as well.  Keep getting support here because we all care.  I used to be a pretty upbeat person too, and my goal now is to return to that person.

AG

[libertine]

Thanks AG.

I feel so bad, because Schwing and others were doing such great work with me and giving me really good advice before, but now I've fallen off the wagon completely and am seeing her again even though she's leaving in a week (hence my countdown post). It's just that I don't think anyone really understands exactly how bad a shape I was/am in. I felt like I had to see her until she moved as a means of survival. I was just falling apart so badly... .  couldn't eat, sleep, function at work. At least now I can function. I'm still pretty sad, but it's actually better. Even though I still seem to be at the bottom of the barrel.

Anyway I'm pretty sure it will be alot easier once she moves across the country for me to deal with all this. And yes I am going to find me a therapist and maybe get on some anti-depressants.

I really really appreciate having you all here. It's what's gotten me this far. 

[BrianaUk]

I tried to answer as honestly as possible and im quite shocked that my score came out as 70+ , severe depression.

I have got quite a bit to cope with, single mum, two hormonal teenage lads at home, 2 diagnosed high functioning autistic, a bitter ex-husband who gives little support etc but on the whole i usually try to put a smile on my face and get on with life.

Just lately though the true extent of the damage my uBPD/NPD mum has had on my life and the damage caused to my whole family has been playing on my mind and the lack of support and understanding from my siblings has really been getting me down.

Ive been in denial for most of my 44 years and have always blamed myself for not getting on with my family. I was the child who was painted black and although mum has disowned all of us [4 girls] and is also NC the emotional abuse continues from two of my sisters. I suspect they are also uBPD.

Ive tried so hard to make things right but recently have realised this stuff is not my fault and that i cannot fix it. This has been a relief but im so sad that my family will never be ok, my sons have never had a normal Grandma, or a good relationship with their dad or their aunts.

I feel very alone, and it is this which causes the most sadness  :'(

I have made some good friends who are there when I need help and support and this has made a big difference to my life. I am coming to terms with the realisation that I am not to blame and so am slowly feeling better about life in general, but, it is one hell of a struggle.

I have seen a counsellor a few years ago after a disastous relationship with a guy i suspect of being uNPD, time to go back and work through this family stuff i think. I want to finally get rid of this "Black dog" [as Winston churchill used to call it] that follows me around and makes me feel so sad.

[Patty]

Hi Briana 

You have a ton on your plate, and it is not surprising that your score is a little bit high.  But you are doing something about it and that is the main thing.  You are not (and never were) to blame for the things that happened in your family.  So keep going and doing the things you are doing, you won't look back from this point.

 

Patty    xoxo

[BrianaUk]

Thanks Patty,

Hearing those words "you are not to blame" is very healing and i thank you  xoxo

Reading how similar my story is to so many others on the boards has been a huge help, for so long I have thought i was alone. Its so validating to find a community where others have been there and understand although I am genuinely shocked to see how many peoples lives have been and continue to be devastated by BPD and PDs in general.

Hugs to everyone dealing with the fallout from BPD, stay strong and remember you are not alone  

[Patty]

Hi Briana

You are welcome.  It is strange to think that we grew up in similar households and went through such similar experiences, but until we got here, we did not know of each other's existance.  At least we now know about BPD and that is definitely a good thing.  There are many people out there who have never heard of it and are living very difficult lives, blaming themselves on a daily basis for the behavior of their family member, partner etc.  At least we have discovered that the disorder exists and we are now in a position to learn about it, heal from our own experiences and support each other through it.   

I am sure if you take that test in a few months time, Briana, you will see a different rating.

Patty  xoxo