BPDFamily.com

This is a test developed at Stanford University by David Burns, MD.   Burns is best known for his book "Feeling Good" which is used in most commonly used support text for CBT programs.  It is a very simple test to take  ... . :)

What is your total score?  Let us know in the poll above and tell us (post) whether you feel good or are you struggling from effects of the BP relationship?

0= Not at all        1=Somewhat        2=Moderately        3=A lot        4=Extremely        

------- 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

------- 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1

------- 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2

------- 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3

------- 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

------------------------------------ Feeling sad or down in the dumps? Feeling unhappy or blue? Crying spells or tearfulness? Feeling discouraged? Feeling hopeless? Low self esteem? Feeling worthless or inadequate? Guilt or shame? Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself? Difficulty making decisions? Loss of interest in family or friends? Loss of motivation? Loss of interest in work or other activities? Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life? Feeling tired? Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much? Decreased or increased appetite? Loss of interest in sex? Worry about your health? Do you have any suicidal thoughts? Would you like to end your life? Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

          Are you depressed?
(https://bpdfamily.com/audio/depression.png)
700 members

How does depression distort your thinking? You will be surprised.
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If you score above moderate level, there is a very precise clinical test (no-charge) located here:
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Learn more about the neurobiology of depression (what is actually going on) here and the role of therapeutic drugs in healing.
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Learn more about two proven self-treatment programs (alternatives to psychotherapy, but not therapeutic drugs)
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Tracking form:https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/depression-test.xlsx
Tracking form developed by malibu4x (thanks!)

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See list of all self-assessment surveys
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Hi Skip,

I scored a 32.  I am four months out.   Overall, I would say I'm much better than I was six or eight weeks ago.   Things are a bit complicated from a healing perspective because I work with my ex and have to collaborate and communicate at times (not a ton, usually brief).   Instead of feeling blue or anxious every day, I am now able to go for 3-5 days at a time feeling fairly well.

 I am at 16... not too bad. I think I would have been MUCH higher a few months ago... so where is the info that tells what the results mean?

Steph

I scored 21, but I am in a place right now where things vary from day to day and situation to situation.  If I'm really busy, it tends to be better mostly.  But T says to deal with this stuff as it comes so am trying to do that too.  I think depending on the day, my score would vary somewhat.

ditto on what SS said.  I think some days my score is much lower depending on the events of the day.

I scored a 10, so if I were a gymnist, I would take home the gold, right?

19.

But this doesn't address anger, which is my biggest issue.  Separated 20 months, divorced 1 month.  I'm less angry than a few weeks ago but if I let myself I can still get pretty mad, and replay a lot of stuff.  That doesn't show up here.

I scored a 46.  Honestly, it has nothing to do with my BPD relationship.  He's been gone nearly 8 years. I'm happy he's gone and I don't even think about him all that much anymore (thank GOD.)  I am truly at a place (and have been for awhile) where I don't care about him -- good or bad. 

The rub comes in that I have never put my life back together after the shell shock of that whole mess.  That has nothing to do with crazyx.  I'm just still stuck in some strange place of not being happy, but not really being unhappy.  I'm just here -- going through the motions of life without much engagement on my part. I keep telling myself that I'm sick of this limbo, yet I do nothing to change it.  So... .that's on ME and has nothing to do with crazyx.

Turtle

Well, between an 18 and a 20.  (I took it earlier and got a 20, just took it again and got an 18.) 

It doesn't have much to do with my exh, more so with my current state of affairs... .   job seeking, also the difficulties of my bf this year.  He had surgery and a succession of various health problems which have taxed both of us emotionally and financially, as well as taxing him physically. 

But I do feel that I got into some of the problems with him because I didn't "learn" from my marriage.

I scored 44.

In the beginning stages of disengaging and having child access issues. Not suicidal or anything remotely close. Most high numbers stemming from day to day activities. Sleeping, eating, motivation, lost interest in socializing and family and friends.

I know I will get out of this thanks to a strong will and my BPD family.

ozzy

I scored a low 12,

but then again, I'm basically an optimistic person, so much of that would rarely apply to me at any time (ok, besides the eating too much and sleeping poorly). I still speak with friends and family. I still engage in activities with my children. I still make plans. I don't blame myself or feel badly about my decisions.

Of course, there are days when my uBPbf is raging, that I can get discouraged and down, but I manage to pull myself out (with the help of this place and friends) to a better frame of mind.

i got 20... .doing pretty good these days, trying to stay optimistic... .tying to stay motivated.

Lonely, but, dealing with that... .I do have a real tendancy to wayyyyy overthink everything, have a hard time shutting my brain down.

I scored 18.

I have to make a phone call this morning.  It is no doubt a FOO problem. Sometimes I don't let myself know how I feel?

I got 15 which is about right.  I am very sad about my father. But my brother and I are in regular contact again and we are both very happy about that.

Patty

23

However that would be 17 if I don't count the Work-Related questions... .

I am at the end of my contract. I am doing 5% of the work I used to do; and it's all routine now.

I am just sitting at a desk 80% of the time, waiting till someone has a question.

OFCOURSE I AM BORED AT THE JOB :)

As a result I stay up late (to have SOME brainfood in my life) and don't get enough sleep... .

... .or maybe I am in denial  :)

Scored a 4.

Life is good.

I got an 11, which I makes me happy.  It could be so much worse, all things considered.  It's just hard for me to feel too bad about things right now.  I am still so happy that I made the decision to get out that any of the problematic stuff doesn't have much effect on my overall sense of wellbeing.

52 Sheesh  ::)

At least I can put zeros on all the self-harm questions.  

I can't imagine what I would have gotten if I'd taken it this time last year, so things are headed in the right direction.

You are still in the midst of OZ sailmonky.  Thinks can get better,

i'm at 2!  :)

I scored a 2!

I wish I could have taken this test two years ago!

Looking back, I would have scored so high, the authorities would probably have 

been called!

:)

pizaluvr   

Thanks LivingWell, things have been getting better for several months now.  I'm finding my way out of the FOG.

This test has helped me narrow down those things that are still an issue for me.  I think finding a different kind of work is the most pressing thing on my agenda right now.  My Myers-Briggs type specifically says I shouldn't have been working in the field I'd been in for 9 years... .   ::)

That should really make things better.

50. -sigh-  Still dealing with the FOO and doing my best to be NC with momster and grandmomster.  My T thinks I'm at the point where I'm afraid of getting better and just going for it, and he's likely right.  I keep trying to find new neuroses to take the place of the old ones.  ::)  But I'm much better than I was a year ago and more.

ditto for me. I scored a two, but I have been seperated for almost 19 months and divorce is final, marital home sold, etc.

If I had taken it two years ago, I would have been off the chart... .

I took the test again to see how I am feeling this week because I think I've had a better week than the last.  I scored a 22 (improved from a 32).  I hope to see a score that keeps trending downward.  I'm tired of thinking I'm doing better only to have a spike in the misery scale come out of nowhere.  Even though that is normal, it is discouraging.

54  Oh dear!  Better get out and have some fun.  Taking the kids to karaoke this afternoon.

   I scored a 27.  Issues with job and lack of good healthcare benefits... .need oral surgery and should have benefits to cover it, but my benefits ... suck.   Been looking at jobs, but want to find a good fit... .I love what I do and deserve to be paid better!

   Have to refinance the house (commercial property) and need to rezone or pay higher interest rates, than have to deal with 2-3 year maturity refinancing.

   Having  a bit of difficulty making decisions... .BUT I think underneath all of this is I have a FOO issue surfacing about worth... .self worth... .and deserving to have security and stability in my life.  Guess its just another journey into getting back to being more Whole... .need to spend some time trying to re-connect with my journey in life... .want to find that happiness in life that is at the core no matter what life throws at me... .this external stuff should not be a downer, so I am search for that core stuff again... .

:) :) got sort of sidetracked with the BPD 'thing'  :) :)

coming back home to ME... .Reneeth

Very interesting... .I scored a 2... .But I'm over 4 years out and have really rebuilt my life to better then before the evil one showed up in it... .I'm very happy and I love the way my life is going... .I also have, for the most part, a good outlook on life and have always felt that if life isn't going the way you want, It's up to you to live into the life you want... .do something about it and create the life you want... .That helped a great deal.

I got a 20 today... .very basic test!   ::)

This test appears to focus on depression.  I scored a 4, but I've always been very positive and have never been prone to depression.  Been out almost 7 months and the 6 months before that were more off than on.  BP and I didn't marry, live together, or have children.  So I'm moving on pretty well.

JD   

got a 36- still living with and trying to work things out with her- the score probably reflects that

A month ago it would have been higher but the suicide stuff is over

I think that I'm doing really well. I'm not depressed at all. The residue I have left over is anything to do with feelings for people. I'm just petrified that anyone will even come close to X. I know in my head that not many people even come close to being as horrible as him-- but I still haven't gotten that down in my heart. I still fear everyone will hurt me like he did. And even now... .I can't even handle the little rejections very well. They still remind me of my ex, also. Can't handle very much... .even more than 2 years out.

I am sure Idid this before but I can not find my post.  I think I was like 11 then.  I did it again just now because I knew I would score higher this time.  I am at 26 this time.  I toldmy T last week that I a emotionally worse than I was the day I filed rghtnow.  Friends are finding out and taking sides... i feel as if I have no privacy in m house.  The loss is great. 

I got a 35. It was interesting to me how punctuated my answers were (lots of 3s, lots of 0s) but I guess people handle depression in different ways.

More interesting to me than the test itself were my reactions to it.

My initial reaction was to be very surprised that my score was so high.

Then I thought more about it, and objectively I'm quite surprised that it wasn't higher.

in the mid to high 30s.  I look forward to the day when that number goes down!

I scored 20.  I'm working on getting that dealt with.

I figure God has a lot of faith in me to give me so much challenge all at once.

Peace

I scored 25 I'm a stayer... .::)

OMG, I just took this again and scored a 10!  And I'm not even that "perky" today!  Must be getting over this!  I was quite a bit higher... .in the 20's... .when I first did this.  Wow!

I scored a 27.  I am a bit jet lagged and have been reviewing my IRA.  Even taking that into account, I am still likely to be above 20.

I will have to try again later.

6-12.

Two years ago, I would have been 54-58! Only Major difference in my life is that I exited OZ!

If you are still in oz and scoring in the depressed range. Seriously think about changing something.  It is NICE being happy, and not feelng guilty or worthless! 

Crystal

Today I scored 10-11, 2years ago I would have scored 68.  What's even worse, the 68 was not just a bad day or week.  There were a few months when I literally woke up crying every morning and the really bad part was that my uNPDxh was treating me with such dishonor and disrespect you would have thought I'd be thrilled to NOT be waking up next to him.

It DOES get better but first it just gets different. 

I scored a 29 which is not surprising.  I believe I am still in the very early recovery stages.  I am doing my best to keep my focus on what it best for me and daughter.  My partner is in a place where there is currently very little acting out.  I will not be re-engagemented. 

Peace,

5 today, yippeee!

Well, I scored a whopping 42 today. I knew I was under a lot of stress recently with a possible job change, a wedding coming up and difficulties with my younger D - plus turning 50 about a month ago. I don't know why the whole age thing is bothering me so much.  I think there's some real self-loathing that's been coming out of deep within me lately and I'm struggling a bit.  I think it's time to go back to the therapist for a tune-up.

I scored a 56.  At least I'm not Extremely depressed!  (feels like it though!)

I was feeling so good for the few months after I got out, then it all came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.  I am inspired by the number of people who said they would have scored so high just a year ago and are doing so much better now.  I strive to be like those people, to get out of the pain and suffering I am in now and instead enjoy the things I have.  Because I do have some things to be grateful for.  I just need to count my blessing and get through work each day... .one day at a time.

AG

My score is 42. Could be because I'm pregnant and my stbxBPD is still in the house but we broke up. ( sigh) Baby will be here in 6 weeks so maybe that will perk me up.

Anxious for better days. :'(

my score was 42. Going through difficult times right now. Not only with BPDh (he left me again last night) but with legal issues with ex. Today I haven't even made my bed... .I'm usually very organized and clean. Just want to watch tv and veg out.  :'(

Looks like we're in the same boat dea.

I woke up this morning feeling a mess. I'm going to post about it in a few. I thought I was on the right track. I don't know what's happening. This is such a painful painful thing. It could be because I feel the baby move so much and I can't share it with him. I don't know but his illness is breaking my heart. I can't wait for my therapy appt.  I feel soo lonely right now and stuck in a catch 22 with my living arrangements. :'( :'( I wish I knew what it is about me that I value myself so lowly that I've subjected myself to this type of emotional abuse. I actually realized last night that it hasnt been only my stbx that has done this to me ( or should I say I've allowed to do to me), so did my ex husband, and every single person I have ever been involved with. Honestly, I'm 40 years old and I don't know what love is. I've never really felt it from anyone. I'll give it but it's never really been given to me. I don't want to leave this world and not experience being valued by the person who I love. I'm tired of begging for love. I'm a good person. What am I doing wrong? I don't know  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

 That's a hard place to be - I'm sure.  I'm sorry you're feeling so low.  This should be a joyous time in your life. 

Why do you think that you're doing something wrong?  Maybe you're just doing what you know, what you've been taught, what you've always done.  Now you've come to a place where that doesn't work for you anymore and you just haven't figure out what you're going to do instead.  But, you will.  You will.

Peace and Metta,

53 today.

32 ugh!   I feel good some days, others great, sometimes horrible.  I have just embarked on a journey to really get to know myself, FOG is lifting but it still hangs around sometimes.   I have noticed the one thing that I am actively trying to change is to STOP being coodependent.  I want to change that into a real empathy for people, but be able to hold back when it is obvious they need to help themselves and take responsibility for their own actions.  I dont have fear any more, dont have obligation, but the guilt is still there at times.  So two outta 3 aint bad, as sung by Meatloaf, LOL.

 okay i took the test and i got a 6 not bad thought it would be worse but my sadness isnt' from my BPD but from my daughter and some of the decisions she seems to make make me sad...

Wow this is bad. I'm too embarrassed to say what I scored (but it's extreme depression). I guess that should tell me something, as I used to always be a pretty happy, upbeat person. I really hope things turn around soon.

Hang in there Libertine.  I'm right with you at the bottom of the pit.  Are you seeing someone about this?  Antidepressants are useful and talking to a T can help a ton as well.  Keep getting support here because we all care.  I used to be a pretty upbeat person too, and my goal now is to return to that person.

AG

Thanks AG.

I feel so bad, because Schwing and others were doing such great work with me and giving me really good advice before, but now I've fallen off the wagon completely and am seeing her again even though she's leaving in a week (hence my countdown post). It's just that I don't think anyone really understands exactly how bad a shape I was/am in. I felt like I had to see her until she moved as a means of survival. I was just falling apart so badly... .  couldn't eat, sleep, function at work. At least now I can function. I'm still pretty sad, but it's actually better. Even though I still seem to be at the bottom of the barrel.

Anyway I'm pretty sure it will be alot easier once she moves across the country for me to deal with all this. And yes I am going to find me a therapist and maybe get on some anti-depressants.

I really really appreciate having you all here. It's what's gotten me this far. 

I tried to answer as honestly as possible and im quite shocked that my score came out as 70+ , severe depression.

I have got quite a bit to cope with, single mum, two hormonal teenage lads at home, 2 diagnosed high functioning autistic, a bitter ex-husband who gives little support etc but on the whole i usually try to put a smile on my face and get on with life.

Just lately though the true extent of the damage my uBPD/NPD mum has had on my life and the damage caused to my whole family has been playing on my mind and the lack of support and understanding from my siblings has really been getting me down.

Ive been in denial for most of my 44 years and have always blamed myself for not getting on with my family. I was the child who was painted black and although mum has disowned all of us [4 girls] and is also NC the emotional abuse continues from two of my sisters. I suspect they are also uBPD.

Ive tried so hard to make things right but recently have realised this stuff is not my fault and that i cannot fix it. This has been a relief but im so sad that my family will never be ok, my sons have never had a normal Grandma, or a good relationship with their dad or their aunts.

I feel very alone, and it is this which causes the most sadness  :'(

I have made some good friends who are there when I need help and support and this has made a big difference to my life. I am coming to terms with the realisation that I am not to blame and so am slowly feeling better about life in general, but, it is one hell of a struggle.

I have seen a counsellor a few years ago after a disastous relationship with a guy i suspect of being uNPD, time to go back and work through this family stuff i think. I want to finally get rid of this "Black dog" [as Winston churchill used to call it] that follows me around and makes me feel so sad.

Hi Briana 

You have a ton on your plate, and it is not surprising that your score is a little bit high.  But you are doing something about it and that is the main thing.  You are not (and never were) to blame for the things that happened in your family.  So keep going and doing the things you are doing, you won't look back from this point.

 

Patty    xoxo

Thanks Patty,

Hearing those words "you are not to blame" is very healing and i thank you  xoxo

Reading how similar my story is to so many others on the boards has been a huge help, for so long I have thought i was alone. Its so validating to find a community where others have been there and understand although I am genuinely shocked to see how many peoples lives have been and continue to be devastated by BPD and PDs in general.

Hugs to everyone dealing with the fallout from BPD, stay strong and remember you are not alone  

Hi Briana

You are welcome.  It is strange to think that we grew up in similar households and went through such similar experiences, but until we got here, we did not know of each other's existance.  At least we now know about BPD and that is definitely a good thing.  There are many people out there who have never heard of it and are living very difficult lives, blaming themselves on a daily basis for the behavior of their family member, partner etc.  At least we have discovered that the disorder exists and we are now in a position to learn about it, heal from our own experiences and support each other through it.   

I am sure if you take that test in a few months time, Briana, you will see a different rating.

Patty  xoxo

Took the test for the first time... I got a 31... that is kinda high ... at least I think so ... so I decided I am gonna take the test every week or every couple of weeks... .I know a year ago I was in a severe funk so thsi is much better but still I would like to see improvement... I want to see my score go down...

Its a good test for benchmarking... .you can keep your old scores here to compare.

Shut

65

The antidepressants are not working

Let's start a new thread with this test so we can continually monitor our progress.

*mod*

We will let this thread continue (unlimited) to keep the poll and benchmarking in tact.

i scored a 4!

even when things aren't going so well, i have the ability to enjoy life and remain engaged. don't get me wrong, i do partake in a pity party now and then, but not for long. i usually get right back up and dust myself off. there's too many laughs and fun to be had.

Today, I am a 16.   8)  I don't think that's bad considering how far I've come. 

I know there are days when I would have scored much higher since today is a good day for me.  The blessing is that I have more good days than bad and, bit by bit, there is a longer span between the bad days.  Unfortunately, the bad days are usually pretty bad where I can't stop the inner dialogue from replaying every single flaw I have, every single mistake I have ever made, every real or perceived inadequacy that I have or have ever had.  That's when I want to hide from the world and snap at anyone who tries to get too close.  I feel like a formerly abused dog who occasionally still growls when cornered. 

But, I continue to do the things that I know will help me recover.  I'm seeing my therapist every other week, getting regular exercise and adequate rest, rekindling some of my old interests, and doing my best to seek out opportunities to socialize. 

wow! this week I am a five  :)  I think the power of time is helping along with an increase in my Celexa dose.  I feel so much better in the last two weeks that I am actually looking forward to the future, no longer feeling lonesome and really enjoying my space, freedom, and independence.  I am so thankful to be finally feeling better.

My score is pretty high, I don't know if I rounded up, or if others aren't being completely honest, or maybe my "extremely" and "a lot" meter is on a different scale. Also, some of the questions are redundant.

It's weird though, because although I scored high, I bounce around a lot. Some days I'll be in a good mood, inexplicably, other days, a bad mood, just as inexplicably, with no change in my circumstances. When it's a good mood I obviously just go with it. When it's a bad mood, I try to rise above.

Anger definitely still persists over the BPDx, though, and thoughts/memories can trigger a bad mood. I'm trying to move ahead, look at the positives, stay focused on the future, etc., but I'm still mired down in cleaning up the mess he left behind, so, although I'm out and grateful in many respects, I'm still resentful at the hole I'm having to dig myself out of, and the (negative) changes in my life circumstances that I would not be in, would it not be for my BPDx.

Working on it though! Five months out. Lotta cleanup.

Well, my score is high and I knew it would be because I'm angry with myself about not keeping a promise I made--that, if my H interfered with my enjoyment of granddaughter, I would take him up on his offer to leave. It was worse right after her birth or maybe I'm used to it now 20 mos. later. Another baby on the way in April. Dread more drama and remembering my promise to myself, but need his help.

At least my test was zeroes for the last section about self-harm. Maybe I should increase anti-depressant, but I'm afraid I'll gain weight. Thought about resuming therapy, but I have the answers already: leave (implied), but I'm supposed to tell you to stay after 30 yrs.

Hi everyone! I scored 6!  8) And I really feel like that!

Wow... I last took this poll two months ago, late August, before the flood.

This is what I wrote back then:


I'm now up to a 30.  Still overwhelmed, still have trouble with the job-hunting thing.

6! I am happy to know that is possible and good news always cheers me up, thanks. I look for things to be glad for.

Joanna, decisions about the job have to work out for you because how could they not? You are strong and smart! Someone told me that it is hard for a couple when there is a traumatic event due to each other's presence reminding the other of what they have been through. The flood is literally off the front page of the newspaper and you've been through lot. I hope you are getting the support you need at home right now. Maybe seeing lots of options will help.

AB

a 30 but mostly I feel good about the score since I do not and never had any suicidal thoughts.  Mostly it is the FOG - guilt mostly - since leaving 4 months ago with my 2 girls.  The BPD wife still makes me feel bad though, even from afar.  She really knows how to pull those strings.   She was a great Puppeteer.

(http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z254/scottyfaw/Scissors.jpg)

Great for cutting puppeteer strings. They can be found at Wal-Mart.

Yes, and they would be a GREAT addition to the bpdfamily.com Gift shop.  It's been a while since the gift shop has been open fro viewing.

I scored a 50 today.  Having a really rough time with my situation right now.  BTW  I created a Spreadsht for tracking results if anyone wants it - let me know.

Peace & Metta

I am at 40 today  hope it gets better

woo hoo I am down to a 4 now

Down to a 31!   The new medication and therapy seems to be working well.  Also applying myself 100% at work seems to be helpful.  I like making progress!  Let's hope I can keep bringing it down.

AG

*cheer*

That's awesome AG! I'm so happy for you  :)

You're so going to be fine.

P.S. I'm not even bothering to take it right now, it would be pointless. I'm in limbo right now.

Today - 6.  Feeling pretty darn good.  For the most part, the BPD is out of my brain (except for the inevitable pop-ins; but little emotionality involved) - I think for me it's kind of like a home project.  You get all of the big stuff done and the small left-overs just kind of hang on.  Plus being in a happy relationship puts less emphasis on 'bettering' myself.  I need to get back on the ball! 

Analog guy... You really sound soo much better! That is terrific!... and CHilI... .The good news is that  you are  one AWESOME girl... don't ever  forget that.We are all here for you the way you have been here for us... .I took my test for the second time... I guess it has been a  few weeks  since i took it last... I am thrilled to be at a score of 20... :)

I'd been feeling kinda down lately so took it again just to see.  Not too bad... .a 15.   A little up from last time but I think it's the impending Holidays which will look very different this year and not all settled yet. 

Hi Skip - I think it's an interesting test - if it could be combined with a timeline, it would be even more interesting.  Occasional, nondebilitating sadness is where I am at now.  I am not depressed - and it does not interfere too much any longer with the forward motion of my life.  I would love to see the "average" recovery time.  Of course, that data depends on so many variables - length of relationship, degree of BPD (some seems much more intense than others), and the emotional health of the non to begin with.  I hope everyone gets down below 10 ASAP!  Carol

6 today. Maybe even lower than 6. And just about every day is getting like this now  :)

I love real life.

I'd like to see an average too.  I know I'm much better than I was before he left but I know that his seemingly unending messing with my life/finances until the divorce is final is not helping steady forward progress.  I'm sure that the length of time it takes a person to completely free themselves of the BP has an effect too.

Hi

took the test for the first time and scored 25... I think its much much MUCH lower then I would have scored 2 months ago, 4 or 6 months ago. My live is much MUCH better now then before. I sleep normal hours again, I have an active social live again, I very often feel the old energetic and lively me again and I have happy days. I have more energy and I worry less about my health (I was obsessed with my health).

I did just move abroad and started a new job (that makes me somewhat insecure) and I am really really missing companionship/intimacy/belonging but I am scared of dating. Moreover my dad is alone, 73 years old, suffering from depression and was diagnosed parkinson last year. I still get an email from the UBPDex every Friday, that I don't read, but I see the subject and the last one was; I am going to Egypt for a while. Somehow it made me sad.

The therapy of the last few months opened my eyes in some areas, the experience and this board in others. I feel I am not done working on 'it' (me) not by a long shot, and this sometimes makes me down. I have many 'down' moments, but at least, nowadays I 1) recognize them, 2) acknowledge them and 3) do not escape them by 'seeking trouble/stress/work/party/loud music/alcohol/sex or any other quick fix I used to seek. Or at least, that s what I am trying (not) to do!

So overall, I am doing better!  :)

M interested to see if I score lower next month!

Whoa! 54. I knew I took a down turn but, whoa. No self harm, just lots of frustrations and sadness. Divorce is delayed well into next year as x is not cooperating. My assistant at work was downsized so i am doing two persons' jobs indefinitely. D's are having a rough time with x and I am feeling their pain with them- this is a big one right now. House concerns as the money continues to go to divorce process. Nothing emotionally intertwined with x, I've been over her. Angry at her. Angry about how Ds will pay the price for how the legal process protects ill mothers over healthy fathers. Smoking again and that bothers me. General divorce limbo crap that should have been wrapped up right now, but is not. I was doing much better not that long ago.

Arrrgh.

sdddaa

Ok... This is my third time taking the test... drum roll... .A 6! For anybody that is reading... If I can do it... anybody can... I just knew that I could not stay in that hole... evry day was a struggle... It takes a LOT of work... I want to get an even lower score.Things that helped me-not being stubborn,listening to people on here,prayer,doing thingsi  did not want to do,exercise... .every day... and most of all... laughing... a lot.

Hmm... .22 today... .back to where I was to start with, one point above in fact.  Well, I knew the season was getting to me along with worrying about finances and waiting on the house to sell.  Hope 2009 brings better... .it's got to eventually.  At least that's the year the D will be final! :)

4 when I am not around uBPDm

34 a week before and a week after I have to see her.

Mostly spikes in the third and fourth row of questions.

I lose the appetite, can't sleep, can't make decisions, feel helpless... .

Thankgoodness I only see her 4 times a year, I used to see her once a week. :)

39, but the only times i selected 3 or 4 were on questions 4-10; however, i only scored a 1 regarding hoplessness. despite how i feel about myself, i know things are going to get better and sometimes i even get excited thinking about future possiblilities.

66. Not surprising, I guess. It's the six month anniversary of finding out she'd been seeing someone else. Ah, well.

  Hello everyone this forum got blocked at work and I had no computer at home. So it's been almost a year since I've been here Still only have dial up, no high speed available just outside the nations capital.

  I thought about how I would have answered the questions when I first started walking down the yellow brick road. I always considered myself pretty happy and upbeat, but, would have been in the sixties then.

  Almost three years out and I'm a solid 4. Money and sleep.

  Life is good

   

Wow, I only got about a ten... .I'm surprised.  I'm four months out but have had a couple of good days.  Yay me!

Best regards,

Scott

19, so I guess that puts me at mildly depressed.  I am having NC right now and when I think about seeing him I start crying.  I can honestly say that if I was given the choice I wouldn't want to be with him long term... .but I still get all teary eyed when I think about seeing him.  I have had to give up dancing with my dance troupe to avoid seeing him.  I still see my other dance freinds outside of dance functions.  He is not part of my group as he always saw himself as better then them.  (He trained abroad). 

I last took this test on Halloween 2008 and was shocked by a 70+ score.

Since then ive seen a new doc at my surgery who recommended i started a new course of ADs [fluoxetine] and has made an appt for me to see a psychoanalyst. He suggested that this AD was better suited to me than my last [citalopram, stopped in Jan 08] and so far so good, yay!

Ive just taken the test again and scored 28, which is still a little too high for my liking but one heck of an improvement  *)

I had a nice quiet christmas with my boys and just a quick 2 hr visit with my sis and their families which was perfect, ive learnt so much in the past year about my family and feel better about myself than i have in a long time.

Heres wishing the best for everyone in 2009  2

I'm presently involved in a 7+ year relationship with my DBPDSO and I scored an 8 today. Feeling pretty good lately though i guess I still qualify as mildly depressed!

Peacebaby

I got 11, all things considered I am ok with that.

I'm an 11 right now, too. Considering that my New Years did not go well, that's ok, I guess.

 <-- *Self-hug*

Wow, what a difference time and therapy makes.  I scored a 7 today.  D got married and is doing well.  I'm about to make a positive job change today (thus the anxiety, my two week notice is sitting in the drawer next to me) and I started back with my therapist to work on some FOO stuff and a good bunch of the nasty, icky stuff has come out (along with the deep seated anxiety, fear and panic). I'm hoping with more time and patience to improve my score even further.

What a wake up call, thought I was coping okay considering everything that's happening right now but this tells me otherwise. I'm sitting on 52 and that tells me I have a long road ahead. Thank you to all those who have shown it is possible to lower our scores down the road.

I'm going to make an appointment for some therapy and I'll see if that helps - plus of course I'll stay on these boards and read everything I can find.

Time heals but knowledge has helped to speed that up.I scored a 5 but i also tried to remember awhile back and the frame of mind I was in(just reading those old posts gives me the shivers!)

I remember the first day I moved into my crappy little dirty place and away from kids=I cried and just felt terrible I felt lost betreayed and hopeless and the hurt felt like it would never subside.

Now life is good i nolonger have insomnia or anxiety,heartburn,aches and pains and the never ending sense of "the shoe dropping"I still have a ways to go as financialy she always completly ruined me.It didn't even faze me when tonight she asked why I took all the good dvds as she is getting"dolled up" for some company(who I have named both next and that poor turd)

I will be in a new house soon enough my work is flourishing and I am even closer to my kids.

well my score is a 42 well not really moving forward in all ascepts but out of the crap so my score is 100 just for going through the divorce the rest wil just have to come with time and healing

I am on 12 now and m pretty happy about that, considering the 25 I had back in October  :)

Recovery has been slow but gradual and I m starting to feel really positive again. I m working on myself, my insecurities, practicing boundaries, knowing what I want and dont want. All in all it feels good to do so. Being abroad helped distancing myself from the ex too. The thing that is my biggest worry at the moment is my dads illness, it is sad to see him deteriorate. That's what s keeping me down a bit. But m trying to find new ways to cope with that too.

Ok, I'll admit I've been drinking Kroger's "xtreme" version of Diet Mt Dew all day, but I just scored 14 on the test, and if anything I was biasing my answers on the high side!

Perhaps it's the fact that I've been sober 29 of the past 31 days... .   :)

12

Not bad for having 2 break ups in one year, with the loss of my Labrador in between, a pay cut, and acting as the clearing house for NPD/BPD/OCD central with my family over the holidays.  I'll take that score.

I should note that on some days, I could probably score closer to 20, while others more like 6 or 7.  Probably a good reflection of the human condition.

Scored 21. Not bad considering I am still in Oz. 

48... .The score was around what was expected and on par with what I feel overall. Only part of it is from the mirage, the rest is mostly FOO related with a minute influence from Dorothy's 'romantic' blunder.

Still moving forward, even if inch by inch, though!  *)


BTW: In medical school, I was scoring 0~6 on a similar questionaire. This was during the mirage. I am beginning to understand the dynamics of why, which lead me to concerted efforts in identifying & working on my own issues. Having blissful NC with xW, FOO, and D's blunder is key for me. Improvements are being made, thanks to my T, the children, and the great folks at bpdfamily.com.

I scored 35 and stopped doing the test!

Voted in the up to 50 score - I'm not suicidal (and never have been) so things can't be that bad.

Actually feel better knowing that I am depressed.

   

   Down to 13 from 27,  having a few bumps in the road but nothing major,  even the things that stress me out do so to a much less degree.  I guess the major difference is feeling more optimistic, after dealing with BPD nothing seems insurmountable, and my responses to situations seem so mild.

    Maybe its PDQ's positive attitude thing for today... .reneeth

I came in at 27, which is better then recently and a lot better then a few years back.  Part of it is acceptance but part of it also feeling numb.

SCORE O

now how does that sound? If anyone remembers me and the destruction me and my son went through with that mental case abuser wife... .EVERYONE, move on... .they are NOT WORTH THE LOVE THAT WE POSESS... and educate your children about their parent's BPD... .

best

cblack

Wow well done, pleased for you  :)

33 or so for me.  I'm in a bit of a dip right now.  The dips are shorter and shallower than they used to be though.

On my best days I'm maybe in the single digits.  Maybe.  Still too much self-esteem things going on.  So harsh a self-judgement, etc.

HB

38 for me. I think this whole relationship effected every aspect of my life, from money, to familial relationships. I had some issues before that I am still addressing in T, but I really think that this relationship brought them all to a head, which might not be a bad thing.

gingie, how you doin' girl?

I completely agree.  I think it's called hitting rock bottom, and in AA they say "When the  lies don't work anymore" (I think the ones to yourself).  I had been in denial for so long - maybe not completely, but everything was just under the radar, flashing every now and then.  But with the BPD, BAM!  There they were in all of their glory!  I'm forever thankful. 

Foiles

Amazed about my score but I managed to get 60, but in the middle of disengaging from my friend which goes well one day and then I mess it up again when he comes all friendly to my desk.

Working together surely doesn't help.  I really try but somehow each time I fail myself.

My friend is going home for 3 weeks in March so maybe having NC during 3 weeks will give me enough courage.

The only things I scored 0 were on the suicide part.  I love life, and I know there is more to live then what I'm living now.  This board and reading about BPD has tough me so much about him but also about me.  The reason I feel the way I feel at the moment is more due to what I allowed him to do in my life then to him.  I have to give myself time and start loving myself instead of always think about somebody else first.

I will get there, just need some more time.

i scored a 20 ... like everyone else had i still been in the relationship i would've scored much higher ... .work is always easy i probably feel best there.(weekends are more difficult)      socializing . i have been trying to branch out a bit , widen my circle. it was very difficult at first but after that first scarey step i feel much better. baby steps for me... .NC helps an aweful lot

My psychiatrist had me fill this out about a year ago. I scored 74.

Took it just now and scored 0. Hallelujah!

61

lot of work to do on myself :'(

I scored a 43. Sometimes I feel so hopeful and uplifted. Things are getting better. But sometimes I'm really struggling, especially when the ex contacts me. While typing this he texted this, "CALL ME! I NOW BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE PROGRAM AND OWE 100 DOLLARS. AND TARINA CBACK.", and ":)o u want to say goodbye to the dogs?" And he's now called my cell twice. I did not pick up. The program is the counseling program he supposedly had an appointment at this morning and needed MY truck for, but didn't tell me about it until last night. Tarina is the woman from the dog rescue he called to take our dogs since he can't deal with them and I'm only allowed one small dog in my new place. See https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89413.0 for details on this little drama. I hope the dogs will have a good new home. I will miss them!

This is so exhausting at times.

ICDI

A 57 for me -- Have stuffed my feelings for so long that I am overwhelmed with them now.  They are not remaining stuffed anymore -- how dare they lol.

The stress in my life comes from lots of areas -- In 5 years time, I have lived in 3 houses, held 5 different jobs (all in same field -- education), put together 2 weddings for 2 of my daughters (I did it all -- sewed the dresses, made the bouquets, acted as wedding planner, etc), had 2 grandchildren, lost a family member, oh, yeah and am dealing with a uBPD daughter (age 30) and I have reached my limit of carrying her baggage around with me.  We are now NC.

I have developed some pretty severe stress-related health issues that resulted in having to take time off of work to get better.  Right now, I am hiding.  I stay home all day, don't talk to anyone, don't go out, don't want to go out, don't want to talk to anyone.   I really just wanted the world to stop and let me off for awhile.

I'm at a 3 today. When I first did this test I scored 20. My how things (and people) change!

Hey! From a 65 Severe depression on the 31st October to a mere 4 today!

Thank you!

I scored a 22 today.  I didn't take the test last week and I think I would have scored higher if I did.  I'll call it progress, anyway.  I am taking steps to make new friends and initiate activities in my life which, is real good considering when I was with my exBPDw I didn't want to do much of anything and I didn't want to invite friends over to our house as I was afraid I would lose them due to what she might have said or done.

Now, I have connected with some musicians in this town and a new friend who plays bass, is coming over next weekend for our first get together.  As I sold my guitar to move out here to be in the asylum, he's letting me use his Strat. (A kind of guitar made by Fender for those who may not know) Very cool.  Other musicians are expressing interest too.  This is a big deal for me as I haven't played music just for the love of it, in a band, for years.

We're going to start a blues band.  :)  A good one!

I ramble when I'm a bit out of sorts emotionally which, in all honesty, I am.   lol

Way better this week though.

Peace, Up From Here

24-WOO HOO!  And without Lexapro! 

Woohoo!  I scored a 40!

I know it sounds bad, but the last time I took a test for depression like this one (when my uBPDmom was living with me), the score told me to "seek help immediately."  This is a definite improvement. 

Yeah for me!   :)

Well, it's no big surprise to me that I scored above 76... .a mouse could have figured that out by spending two minutes with me.  But, this is why I went back every time and why I am determined to push through this to get out once and for all.  My score can only go down from here!

Finding this site has been instrumental in my turning the corner.  I was always processing that which was could not be processed.  It's like chopping Jello before it hardens.  Why would anyone do that?  I did that for the entire time I was with stbxdBPDh and still do it once in a while. 

Thanks to all that is good in life,

Mellie

Hang in there Mellie.

The longer NC, the better it can be.

(unintentional rhyming)

Hi, Up From Here:

I should borrow your handle based on my score!  That is how I'm feeling despite it all - can only go up (or down in the test score).   :)

You are right... .and, I will am doing it this time.  Thank goodness.

 and  xoxo,

Mellie

Retook this test, now that I've been separated 3 months.

Last September I was 36.  Today I'm 14.  Clearly a big improvement.  Take note all thee who are on the fence!

I had a rough day yesterday, and am still processing it.  I suspect in a few days, even the 14 score will improve.

I took it from what I remember 3 years ago when I was just learning about BPD and had not yet started to see a T, and again for how I feel today, even though I am still in a marriage to a BPD, but on my way out.

Based on 3 years ago I got 69 :'(. And almost all the "negativity came from mostly my marriage, I liked teh rest of life  I was starting to have suicidal thoughts which was VERY unlike my normal self. MAde it hadt to do with beign told I was "a worthless piece of sht" daily... .sometimes in those words, and sometimes just a little more vaguely.

From where I sit today, I got a 25, not bad considering that I am still married and living in the same house for the time being. My T has had me working on disengaging, and I think it is working  :)

I will need to come back in a few months and see how things are. I know the single biggest hurdle that I have right now is my fear of confrontation when I leave and how to do things so it will impact my kids (teens) the least possible.

Take Care,

DKC

I just scored a 51, about 6 weeks no contact.  I think in January, I would have been on the extreme high side.  So while it's high, I know it will get better.  I just know it! 

25 here.  I think I'm better than I would have been even a month ago.

Suspect things will continue to get better.

Well... .

The last time I took the test, I believe I scored a 22.  Today I scored a 28.


Hmmm.

I'm about four and a half months N/C and finally have the money to pay for the final stage of the divorce as well as having quite a bit of drama from her to contend with in these past months.  It's been pretty quiet over the past month and a half as I've been "replaced" now so that's cool.  As long as it's quiet.

How long is this supposed to take anyway?  Can I be done now?

lol... .Just kidding.

I know it takes as long as it takes.

Okay how 'bout now?



Peace, UFH

I'm down to 10.  Last August I was 18.  Since last August I started on anti-depressants.  Wonder if I should stop the anti-depressants? 

last time I did this was late last summer... .score was 20

Did it again today, just out of curiosity and got a 6.

it does get better folks! :)

Almost three years out - scored a 26. 

My 19 year old son has been living with ex so I don't have much contact anymore.  When we do it's usually negative.  Him and I had a major blowout last week.  He's out of control and off the rails.  No drugs or anything like that - major anger issues, especially toward me.  Pretty depressing stuff.  It'll improve, but I think it'll be a long time before I see my son again.  Makes me very sad.

And what about bitterness? That seems to be one of the strongest emotions that I am experiencing. However the survey is a good wake-up call. I have been reordering my life so I can afford to resume therapy. Looks like it is a good idea as I scored a 48. Do I win a prize?

I am about 3.5 months out. My little girl's birthday is a week away - I miss her.

I hadn't taken this test in a while and just wanted to see where I was compared to the last time.  I was a 10 today, considered unhappy but not depressed, was a 16 the last time which is mildly depressed.  I don't consider myself unhappy right now, not compared to how I felt before, but I guess it is all relative.   *)  In addition to this improvement, I have noticed my moods are much more stable now.  I used to go up and down a lot more, but am thankfully having a lot less of that.  It's a slow and steady road, and very much worth it.   

67.  I asked for some support on L6.  So far, none.

Wow... .all of this job and money stuff has taken a toll on me... .I scored in the 30's this time... .last year 18-20.  I last took this test a month before our big flood. 

28 - the lowest in a long time.

I scored a 40 a month or so ago.  I retook the test and scored a 12.  Wow.  That's pretty darn good.  I have to echo Elphaba... .it gets better.  Absolutely.   :)

I scored 39--usually I'm not a depressive person.  I often think of myself as an overly peppy person.  But I guess with the effects of a divorce of which I'm about 4 months into--this is what I get and it is what it is.  I'm trying to embrace the process.  The good thing I'm finding out of this grief I have a lot of artistic ideas flowing (see the happy, glass half full person is shining through).  I realize sadness and depression is part of the grieving process of the end of a marriage, but I look forward to posting 6 months to a year from now and seeing my score decrease. 

Hmmm... .35. I just came back to look up the term gas lighting because my w had been using the term lately.  I got distracted and started reading some posts.  I decided to take the survey.  Funny thing is, I was thinking I was feeling pretty good.  Last time I took it, I think I scored a 20. 

I think I am feeling better now than back then.  So the question is, am I more depressed or more honest?

The tough one is always the one about killing myself.  I thought about it just last week.  Not that I want to hurt myself, but I always have a plan.  Several plans actually.  Even though I think about it, my situation doesn't justify that option.  So I never go down that path.  I can't help it but I do consider it from time to time when I think things are crappy. 

I said never, but I should say not since that time 30+ years ago.  The round was defective and didn't fire.  In the instant between the pressure release on the trigger and the click of the firing pin striking the -I realized I had made a mistake.  Things weren't really that bad.  They weren't that bad then and never have been or are likely to be.  But I will consider it and work out a plan from time to tine.  The plan usualy will vary  depending on opportunities and how big or little of a mess I'd like to make.  I almost always lie about thoughts of killing myself.  But it is always an option. 

Not sure why I bring it up now.  Likely it is because of the survey and there was a movie on the TV where a person offed them self.

I scored 17 and am very happy about it.  A few monts ago when I was deeply in the fog I did a similar test and the result said I was severely depressed so I'm doing well here.

I must say I did take a big distance.  Still am around for my BPD friend if he wants to talk to me but I let him deal with his own problems and although he still tries to project everything onto me, I'm no longer allowing him.  I can clearly make the difference now on what belongs to me and what belongs to him and when he starts acting out I just leave and tell him to call me when he can treat me with more respect.  And... .it actually works.

FMA

I got a 9 which I think might relate to having found this board and seeing that I'm better off than many, plus we are in a pretty good place right now, long may it last!  One day at a time... .

PCker

12, wauw i am getting better much better

Shoot. I scored 15. Mild depression. And I just told my T today that I was feeling some anxiety, but not depressed.

By the way, hi. I'm new to this board, having just reached my 50th post recently. I look forward to interacting with you all.

Well, recognizing mild depression is the first step to getting rid of it. Exercise, going to bed on time, and trying to follow a routine should help. I should probably also let my H know this. :0/

55. 

Got a ways to go... .

Skip, I got a score of 58 which basically validates the fact that I am severely depressed.  With these results now known to me, it just makes me feel that much more depressed.  One of the major reasons why I am severely depressed right now is because I discovered just yesterday that I do not love my BPD wife after 8 years of being so very patient, understanding, and tolerating her issues.  I put on this quiet, reserved face with my immediate family of my BPD wife and her daughter, because I am guarding myself from them, because they hardly ever give me a chance to voice my opinions.  Oddly enough, when I do, I am pounded upon.  When I don't, they wonder why I am so quiet.  This website has been helpful for venting for me and for so many others, thank goodness.  I also have belonged to a men's group, but my BPD wife's mother is dealing with cancer, and my BPD wife is needing all the support I can give to her.  She is totally clueless that I am running on empty, because she is so selfish.

I don't remember the score when I took this awhile back, and I was everything bad but suicidal, but I've improved! The test might not reflect how much exactly, but honesty appears to have returned some self-respect. I shouldn't be living with someone who acts the way he does.

Thanks so much for the reminder in the title of this thread.

AB

I scored 50... .I don't feel depressed, but STRESSED is more the word. 

Hi,

I scored a 28, which I am OK with right now. Although this is the "Undecided" board, I have decided to leave but still read here - the more I can understand the better. I think if I can score a 28 while on the verge of moving out and knowing that the ___ is going to hit the fan, Im doing pretty good. My T has been working with me BIG time on accepting that it is not my job to feel sorry for her misery or guilty about the pain she will be in when I leave any more. I have given it 3 years of seeing a T and encouraging her to also (she did for about 2 months a while ago).

I also took the test of where I think I was right before I started on my path to wellness, and I scored around and 80 :'( ? :'(. I was trying to figure out how to commit suicide in a way that no one would know that it was intentional - so they would think it was an accident. Luckily, I knew enough to think "this is f&*ked up, everything in my life is good except for my marriage and family life - what the hell am I thinking!" But you know how it is, she had me convinced that it was ALL me, and I believe her warped thinking. Amazing how quick a good T and myself doing a lot of work & thinking can change ones perspective.

DKC

Hello,

I scored 55. Does not sound too great. Am depressed and for the first time in my adult life have developed anxiety - I am basically stressed out of my brains. Was always able to multi-task - now one task seems too much for me. This after years with my partner who was critical of me, verbally and psychologically abusive, scared of me leaving him, etc. He is THE guy with anxiety, OCD, NP behaviour and normally the one stressed out.  I was always the calm one, trying to resolve things, occasionally a bit dramatic after I had enough of manipulative behaviour - but generally positive and going on with my work and art, seeing friends, traveling, and trying to have a loving relationship etc. Slowly this has been eroding over the last four years or so. Now, strangely enough he seems to have changed and appears totally relaxed, is friendly and polite to me - does not really tell me what he is doing with/in his life - detached? - asks me if I sleep well and talks to other women online and is seeing at least one of them.

Am going to CODA now, still not got a therapist - on waiting list - take St. John's Worth and go for walks in parks. Nature is a great place.

I am trying to do regular exercise and meditation.

21 - about half what it was a few months ago.  Events have calmed - the other shoe dropped - but the world didn't end.  I feel more like I'm digging out after a disaster - now at least I'm active not passive, waiting for the disaster to happen.

wow I am at a four... a flippin four... separation is doing me wonders!

I am also at a 4!  I know I have been feeling great, but it's nice to see the "no depression" category.  This is quite a feat for me as I have spent most of my adult life with at least a low level of depression.  This is the first time in my life that I am not plagued by negative thoughts, or fears that even if I am doing fine it is only a matter of time before it will be snatched away.  I now understand the beginnings of that downward spiral and how to take charge over my emotional health.   

29 - moderate depression. I don't feel it though - but it's there.

For you folks under around 15 to 20  - is there the possibility that what you are feeling is just 'real life'. Day to day crap, feeling normal.

Under 10, hmmm, you're obv. feeling too good!  |iiii :) |iiii

 

   WOW,   12       I found my score from Aug.  27, 2008,  I was 30  moderately depressed.

   so,  12, mild depression, barely is great.   I am optomistic by nature and right now my job is great... .so totally me and I am getting overtime and putting money away.  looking at turning my upstairs (previously 3 bedroom inn)  into an adult family home area ( did job coaching and development, than group homes for 2 years before getting into therapy again),   few bumps in the road, but take that as a matter of course to be figured out in life.   Just feeling a little stuck in some areas in life, but know life needs 'rest' times too... R.

Hi,

I scored 29, moderately depressed which makes sense... I'm just over 3wks NC.  I still have difficult moments ie. sleep interruptions, bit of obsessive thinking at times, but they are lessening. I can feel my confidence growing again and i'm slowly getting back to my old self (with insight)... I have noticed that my self of humour is returning too! 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

I'll do the test again in a few weeks...

rgds,

Liza  :)

I scored 57 this time... .it's getting worse not better  :'( . 

Oh lost, I am so sorry.  I hope it turns around for you.

Today I scored a 43.

On June 30 it was 67.

And that's less than three months.

May your G-d aid you in your healing.   xoxox

((sigh)) 50 today. 

Today I got an 8.

Maybe I'm deluding myself.

:)

16 today. Down from upper 40's when I took it last (at least a month ago).

I also put a couple 1's down where I was like eh... .0 or 1. I would put a 1 if there was any inkling at all of the feeling, and some were probably actually 0's. So I think I'm doing better. This NC diet works! 3.5 months now.

9/15/09  15

8/25/09  21

6/30/09  28

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

Thats great trend Matt.  Keeping and dating the scores is a really helpful thing to do!

67. Guess it was a hard week this past one, but more because I have been sick and this destablizes my whole family, this time esp. dh. So I need to do poll again in a few days when my health is better - some virus shared by GD4 going back to preschool most likely. I get really down when feel overwhelmed by everyone who seems to depend so much on me to keep their life together. Had to miss work at both part-time jobs becasue too tired and couldn't even talk for two days. Then get email from job1 that new CFO starting next week that needs to work with me - yikes! I am not ready for a new person with expectations of me. You'd think dh would like that as he complains always I talk too much but my whispered answered to his comments drove him even more crazy! Then the old buick heater goes out on the first snowy day so he has to stop and scrap the inside of the windshield - freaking out about the money to repair. But he figures out part it nees and we find online used for only $132 instead of $500 new part and order. but I have to do all  computer stuff because he doesn't use computer - combination of learning disability and resistance to technology though he repaired TV's for 35 years and is the premier handyman! He's just now learning to use his cell phone since helps him at his new job.

Good thing last week - even though I couldn't talk, was lunch with foster/adopt mom for my GS2 with BPD23. D23 seems less blaming of me for his adoption just this past Friday. She was not home much as this was a rough time for her as she stated. She left last night because she couldn't stand dh and I bickering about the car repair, and I had asked her to stay and help put GD4 to bed after she made a big deal about my "undercutting her parental authority" at dinner when I asked her to leave GD4 alone about eating food she did not like. It was not a pretty scene, and dh drove her away for the night to a friends house. She just called and I will go get her this am. D23 really does a much better job of controlling her anger with us and the things that drive her crazy about how dh and I relate, and yet she is the only yelling and cursing in front of gd4 until gd4 is cuddled with me with her hands over her ears.

Dh has agreed to 6 weeks of couseling to hopefully get some support on setting and maintaining boundaries with d23 that we can live with. We had to reschedule 1st appt Friday because I couldn't talk, and last night he was refusing to go saying he didn't need more talk, talk, talk. But he will go this Friday or I want him to move out along with D23, but then I couldn't do the GD4 custody thing alone. man it justs keeps going around in a circle for me this past week.

So now that I have vented in maybe not the right place on this site I will go back and do the poll again. I have been unable to get 5 minutes at my computer to post all this in the past 4 days!

36. Ok so maybe by first score was based on yesterday and this is more like I feel right now. It is a wonderful thing being able to be open and honest without having to filter every thought and action like I do with face-to-face people in my life. I feel so dishonest sometimes in how I have to live to keep the peace and try to meet everyones needs. If can get the crises reduced maybe can focus some of my T time on taking care of myself, not just everyone else.

This is a very revealing quiz.

This is my third time taking it.

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

Not really a heckuva lot to say about that, is there.

67

I scored a 7.  However five of those points were about being tired and sleeping too much, which given my current highly physically and mentally demanding work regime and my new baby are probably not depression related.  1 was due to health concern, and in fact I do have a small health concern at the moment, but its being fixed, so my adjusted score is probably 1.  Just for interest, I did the test again, remembering back to when I was 18 1and 19 and absolutely, totally messed up, and came away with a 44.

The take home message is - keep working at it, it will get better.  I only wish I'd had more understanding earlier, because I'd say I was hovering around the 20 mark for most of my adult life struggling with the aftereffects of growing up with my mother.

Hang in there!

Chris

Yikes... .scored a 50.  I thought I was doing better.  I guess the after-effects of being with a BPD is that the roller coaster ride doesn't really end when the park is closed.

LOL  Well, at least I can still make myself laugh. 

Going to enjoy the rest of today after spending the morning crying and being sad.

I scored a 40. Sounds about right to me. I'm dealing with a bunch of things right now with my BPDh and my Mom and my health. I've been thinking about going to a T for me. It's a real hard thing for me because I fear H will use it against me... ."and you said I was the one with mental illness... .look who's going to therapy and who is not... ." He denies that he has BPD event though he was diagnosed 

I had to deal with that.  I started going to a counselor in 2006, before separating.  Our divorce was final in mid-2008.  During depositions I was asked about counseling, and I answered honestly, that I thought it might be a good idea and it was helpful so I continued.  My wife maintained that she didn't need it because there was nothing wrong with her.  I insisted on psych evals, and mine came up clean but hers looked really bad.  So I gained credibility and she lost it.

I think the lesson is, there's nothing wrong with preventive health care - if you think counseling might be helpful go for it and the court will probably see that as wise.

Matt

Hello Skip,

                 I scored 25 , took the test while feeling pretty low and during a crying spell.

Christ.  A year out and on significant antidepressants and I still scored an 80.

Admittedly, the REASON for most of my answers has changed, the BPDex has been largely irrelevant for most of the last year, and all my woes stem from courts... .

28 - ok for husband currently in jail for DV charges. Mostly me worried sick of his threats and near future struggles over returning his belongings and any court appearances and any danger. But at least now I am out ad I can start to have hope for a better future.

Hi,

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter

I'm at 24.

I'm 3 weeks divorced with xh constantly trying to contact me.  I expect to get better and better.   :)  I have some days where I feel fabulous and thats a feeling that I haven't felt in ages.

Hi Peter,

I've taken this a couple of times and am in the 2-4 range. Certainly if I'd taken it when I first arrived here over a year ago and was in the midst of mother angst, the score would have been much higher. I wish I could explain that lack of depression; I could bottle it and make a fortune. I grew up with a uBPD mom and a uAsPD/NPD dad, and I certainly have had earlier in my life spells of depression (and more consistently, anxiety). As a young adult, I had a mild eating disorder, which righted itself without treatment. I do seem to have something that protects my mood, a kind of natural resilience perhaps. My T (and yes, that's part of it, LOL!) says I have "good instincts for my own healing." I've been to a few and they're always absolutely astonished at the fact that though I'm clearly damaged, I'm also able to live a really satisfying life. I've had luck, too. There's nothing really stressful happening in my life right now and when there is, I can get pretty wound up (anxious). My job's secure, everybody's healthy... .these things can, eventually will, change. But in general, my set point is to be pretty happy. I think the resilience comes down to a few things, including:

Very long, stable, happy marriage. Totally lucked out there--and worked at it, too.

Thoughtful choices. For example, I figured out for a long time that I wasn't ready to be a mother, because of where I'd come from. Then I figured out that I was ready, and now we have a beautiful little girl.

Great job that I enjoy and excel at. I grew up poor, with inconsistent resources (and considerable neglect), and I determined early on that having a way to make a stable living was very important to me. I'm lucky in having found a way to do it that I like.

Purposeful effort to create community. I'm not a spiritual person, wish I were. But I completely see the value in connections. I try to nurture them.

Good coping skills. As a young child, to escape, I read. (Still do.  :)) I do yoga, walk, talk to friends, do relaxing, nurturing things on a regular basis.

Survivor's instinct. If I see trouble coming, I have learned to get the h$ll out of the way.

Pleasant routines. I find them very soothing.

I realized that my childhood left me feeling unconnected, rootless, and in terror of chaos and uncertainty, which is what I faced every day. So I went about my adult life purposely creating connections and order. Sometimes that can drift into enabling and rigidity, but I can usually keep grounded. Yoga makes a huge difference. I did it at first for the exercise, not realizing that it seemed to be rewiring my brain. After 10 years, I'm significantly refitted.

Oh, and did I mention I'm NC with my mother? :) (Father is dead.) Not facing endless barrages of madness really, really helps!

I hope I don't come off sounding Pollyanna or annoying in this. I know I'm lucky and it almost feels like testing the gods to write this out. There are many, many in my family who have not come off so well in what is a long multigenerational story of mental illness. I don't know how much my okayness is genetic and how much stems from my choices and habits. Wish I did, and I hope for lower scores for all at the next taking of the test.  xoxo

B&W

Woo! I took this ages ago when it was originally posted and had 57. Took it again just now and I scored 38. Not fantastic but I'm actually a bit proud of that, even more proud that i can put big fat zeros for the 'ever have any thoughts of giving up or ending it' ones. I actually wrote those scores in massive print in my journal  lol.

Well, I scored a 40 which is not bad for me because I KNOW that two months ago it would probably have been double that so I feel somewhat encouraged. Thanks so much for outting this up!

I scored an 8 for a second time. (The first time I chalked it up to denial!)

In the end, however, I would not describe myself as "a happy person" by any means. But if I'm doing relatively well in the aftermath of my break-up I would cite a few things: 1) Even during the relationship I never stopped doing the things in life that sustain me (in my case, writing, reading, and teaching); 2) Visiting and posting on this board to both vent and work on myself while being supported by and supporting others; 3) Maintaining NC, which has provided the necessary distance from all the crisis and enmeshment so I can work towards healing; and 4) Keeping a strong inner life, both intellectually and fantasy-wise.

I think my score would be very different if I was still in contact with my ex. And I know that my score is relative, depending on the day and circumstances. I still have a lot of work to do. But it's good to have these "8" days--it lets me know that we can all heal and eventually have more good days than bad.

WOW - that's pretty amazing!

I got a 10.  

Although my ongoing involvement with the BPD in my life is a little bit of a different dynamic.  

I'm handling it a lot better these days, and am trying to just trudge along finding beauty in the world going on around me... .even when it seems impossible sometimes.

I want to be happy, dagnabit.  :)

Although I scored 39, I'm actually encouraged because yesterday my score would have been higher.

I've never seen this test before today.  It's a great way to get a snapshot of "now," "now," "now," with those individual snapshots in time becoming points on a graph.  

Today better than yesterday is good.   :)  

Next week... .next month... .next year... .ever better, I hope.

I am working on this.  I did a great deal of inner work yesterday, which was a challenging day for me.  This is a solid indication to me that the inner work does pay off.        

Matt, thank you for your input. I think I am going to go ahead and set it up. I feel like I really need some help dealing with all of the stress I am facing right now. I'm feeling really depressed today, just kindof hopeless ya know. He may try to use it against me but I think you are right, if it came to that, I feel a court would see it as wise. My reason "I went because I couldn't deal with his BPD alone and he refused to get help."

 :'(

Today, I scored a 71 and I am feeling it!

Uh, well, I'm not sure that's what I'd say to the court... .

First, I don't think it works well - from my little experience and hearing what others here have found - for you or me to "diagnose" our spouses or exes or stbXes.  It can be seen as playing psychologist and you're likely to be asked "Are you qualified to diagnose your husband?"  Even if there is a diagnosis from a professional, you need to be careful about how you handle that;  it can't be presented as an accusation - "He has BPD and I can prove it!" - because it's a medical condition and it's not his fault.  It has to be presented as information for the court to take into account.  The focus needs to stay on his behavior not his diagnosis.

This kind of comment - "My problems are his fault" - can also look like finger-pointing, or refusing to take responsibility, which is funny because by going to a counselor you are taking responsibility!

Instead I would suggest something like, "I find it difficult to deal with my husband's behavior - like [example] for example.  I was feeling a lot of stress and getting depressed.  So I found a counselor, got some advice - like [example of the advice you got] for example - and I'm following those recommendations.  And that is helping a lot."  The basic message is, "I am taking care of myself and dealing with my issues."  I think that message will be respected both by any professionals that are involved and by the court.  (In my case I handled it more-or-less this way - told about increased cardiovascular exercise as an example of following my counselor's guidance - and it was no problem.)

Best wishes!

Matt

33 - and I feel like it.

The first block thinking/feeling part is so much better than it was months before. No hopeless, no powerless, no confusion and a lot less fear. Also now a lot less conflict. Thank you everyone here on the board.

The second and third block when it comes to action - I still have issues. But I don't feel they will remain as large as they are now.

I feel good!

LOL  *)   Oh no Matt... .I would never present it that way. I'm not planning to be in court anyway (but ya never know). I usually deal with all of this better (I think) I'm just having an off day and venting some. Great advice though. If I ever do find myself in court... .will remember it.

I am working on letting his "stuff" be his and my "stuff" being mine - no blaming him for my problems. Still learning. I do hope getting help for me will make me feel more hopeful. :)

Cool.

When I went through it, I had all sorts of stuff on the tip of my tongue:  "We all know she is mentally ill so I should have control of the kids and only let her see them after she has been treated and is healthy."  All sorts of stuff that actually makes sense but you can't say it anyway.  So I'm glad you are past that phase and already working on your own stuff... .

Matt

Well... .it has been a while... .

Hi everyone.  :)

Currently I'm in the 0-5... .yay!

I have to say that last year at this time, I was in a pretty low place but after what is now 10 months n/c, a finalized divorce, and keeping my commitments to myself to better my life and self, I have serenity.  It doesn't mean I don't have scars and it doesn't mean that every day is a bed of roses but it does mean that what felt like a fog I couldn't see through was exactly that... .fog.

I have been going to counseling now, not to talk about that "backs and forths," the conflicting emotions and the extreme confusion that was the legacy of what I left behind but to talk about what is good in me to build upon.  I can find the strength within myself with honest self assessment that I'll never repeat the choices I had made to first, enter into a relationship with my former and second, to never again stay anywhere near close to any relationship that is toxic and abusive regardless of the "disorder" within it.

I had heard it from day one... .here on this site as well as from my T... .

No contact works wonders.  Counseling works wonders.  The books work wonders and this site is a flat out God send.

On a side note: As my divorce became final, my life began to prosper again.  Call it what you will; miraculous, fortuitous, serendipitous, etc.  The week the marriage ended... .my life began to prosper.

I will say that I had taken a time out from here for a while as I needed time to not "be in it" as I was having difficulty detaching emotionally from all of the stories that were so similar to my own but I no longer have that difficulty.

It gets better my friends.  It truly does.

|iiii <---I really like the new thingy.

Peace with you, UFH

Hi B&W,

I tend to forget bad things easily & can be as quick as 15 minutes.

I also stop my thinking imm if there is any negative emotion coming out driven from my wife.

So, I am doing OK & never get into any depression living with a BP wife as I let go everything quickly.

Peter. 

Hi Peter,

Glad to hear you're able to let things slide away and don't ruminate on them. Do you think that's a characteristic or skill that's helpful for preventing depression? How do you do that? It might help other members to get a sense of some techniques to release negative emotions. I know I have to make an effort at this, doesn't necessarily come completely naturally.

B&W

34. Kinda surprised me, thought mine would be lower. I shudder to think what it would have been a year or so ago.

A low 8, man I feel empowered ! Just a few days ago I had a few crying spells and I was 25, and then I told myself to be true to whom I am. Let me fill you all in, hopefully I won't take too much of your time. Right now I am away from home, helping my D, who is due now for her baby girl, and has a 20 month old that she has no energy to play with. My D asked me for help and because she has not a support system where she now resides ,I said I would help out. My H was not happy with me making up my own mind, refused to drive me to our daughters and even after being here 2 weeks he shows no effort to be involed with us. He chooses to ignore our unhealthy relationship, and has been reading my threads, hope I got a handle on it now with Jonnak help, what a sweetie, like most of you on board with helping others on bpdfamily.com. I truly believe when you are with a group of people trying to heal with no judgements and alot of truth and GRACE, one really does feel hope.

               Now I am with my anxious D, I have been upset not with my H, but with my SIL, for some unknown reason, he has been mean to me, but because my D brought it up, I told her the truth how I felt and she had a talk with her H, and we made peace. I have not cried myself to sleep for a long time, it is hard work and I was thrown off with sil's behaviour ? What is marvelous is that I now realize my H is very ill and chooses to block me and my D out of his life right now. I guess he read a thread that the message was from what he says my D said maybe I would be better off if he was dead. Still in shock that he invaded my threads just to be one up on me, I tried to explain to him, that it was how I felt at the time, but of course he did not get it, and said he would disown our D and did not care if he ever seen her new home, let alone grandbabies :'( Also if I followed her, he would get a new family if he had too.

                Wow, here I am with much hope, and I'm not getting nothing positive from my H. Of course I question did he ever care? As hard as my life is right now, and yes I should be very depressed, but I choose the road to heal for myself. I have to be truthful( which can be brutal) but I also want to have grace and forgiveness for my H's sins, as he may never be in a place to get help and truly live in pure joy. Soo sorry I took so long, just wanted you all to know we are all truly responsible for our own happiness. Much love to bpdfamily.com & Skip who invited me on this site.   So Clear xoxox

 |iiii  My D just had her new baby girl, thought H should know , called and he hung up on me.

Sorry to hear that 

Today, I am a 12.  It's a bit discouraging to feel like I have lost some progress that I'd made.  I've accepted that I am prone to depression and have issues of codependency.  I was happier when I wasn't in a relationship, and now that I am and there are difficulties, I am finding my insecurities rising to the surface.  I am feeling uncomfortable with having to face these weaknesses of mine, and if I ever hope to have a rewarding relationship, I am going to have to work on it sooner or later.  In the meantime, I am continuing with my T, independent reading and reflection, and focusing on my inner dialogue.  I still have a lot of work to do.       

THATS WHY WERE ON bpdfamily.com, we all need to work on ourselves.  to you and keep believing in YOURSELF  So Clear

Hi B&W

QUOTE:

Hi Peter,

Glad to hear you're able to let things slide away and don't ruminate on them. Do you think that's a characteristic or skill that's helpful for preventing depression? How do you do that? It might help other members to get a sense of some techniques to release negative emotions. I know I have to make an effort at this, doesn't necessarily come completely naturally.

B&W

I think it is more of a skill than a character to side away & ruminate on them as I was conditioned to shut off those negative emotions once it pops out automatically.

It is due to a book that I read in college. The name is "Science and Human Behavior" by Prof B.F. Skinner of Harvard. It is mainly on stimulus/response psychology.

I learnt to condition myself not to response every time it happens. Slowly but surely, it will work out naturally & rarely, it gets me. You stop imm. & think clearly & not to response to those stimulus. Or, you divert yr attention to something else that will keep you happy or you enjoy to do most.


On the other hand, I told myself why I should let those negative thoughts to get me. Just hell with it as living with a BP, those things can happen all the time & erratically. I better do my own thing & enjoy life.

Hope this can help.

Peter

I scored a 21 which I think is pretty good all things considered - separated last summer (August 2008), was still trying to make it work (by myself I might add) until spring, filed in April, signed papers first of October - same day he moved to different hemisphere, discovered something called BPD 2 weeks b4 he vacated the home at the end of August 2009.  Been playing catch up ever since - this website is a godsend btw.   :)

~mn36

one year ago it was 54

now i am at 0

|iiii :)

Wow - thats great to here!

What do you attribute your progress to?

hey guys  havent posted for a while i decided,     wait     my unhealthy self decided that i could deal with someone who was out of reality... .so i took my misery back   knowing the out come made it easier im out 50 days or so  im ok got a 25 . im sad cause she is spiraling down real fast        she resigned as a teacher, hasnt paid mortgage, they are forclosing on her townhousse so ... .she moved closer to me.and is looking for public assistance o mg i really escaped this it is very sad tho   glad i poste d hope i continue

   freddi

very very much reading,took a good look into my own part of it all.

And took me about one year to gain control back over me instead of trying to control him.

Did go through my own fears,did not accept them nor gave it a place, finally could see what he was

And i still love him but more like he is what he is... a child with no direction...

And agree that there are no guilty or innocent people involved in the relation,we are ourselves

as much as responsable as they are for theirs,for our own happyness,and know that in all our

innocence we expected that they made us happy and blame them for failing... .

But we failed also... we cannot make them happy,so why should they can?

But... .it was indeed a trip through hell... and made it to the other side... he didnt,still wandering around...

Looking for their fix...

From 33 down to 16. Maybe I'm a bit too optimistic? But I feel ok... If I could just beat my procrastination habits I would be somewhere else.

Hmm. Just noticed this test. 51. Wow. Didn't think it would be anywhere near that high. And this is after significant recent hard-earned progress. No telling how high it had been.

13 months out from separation. 3 months out from the divorce.

This is definitely going to take longer than I was expecting.

Really good - at long last.

<:-)

JerryKew

PS: I scored 9 on the test.  *)

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20  Hm... .

August 08 was 16. This was just before reconcilliation, while we were in therapy both together and indivudually. He was in DBT and I in IC.

Today its a 4... .Nice :)

Working my butt off here and got a 5.  I haven't felt depressed for a while.  Working with DBT, NVC and reading here and there about getting myself away from the BPD influence and working out at the gym getting the endorphin going 

Wanted to add a thank you to Skip for posting this.  It has helped me to gain a better perspective on my history of depression, what has caused it and what I have done that alleviates it.  Thanks.

I scored a 34.  I actually have a feeling of relief in my life, even at that score.  For several years now, I have just been hanging on.  I have finally left behind several years of chronic anxiety after the epiphany of embracing radical or universal acceptance.  I feel like I can accept anything life throws me now :)!  I have also given up any hope that I will get any validation, acceptance, or nurturing from my uBPD mother.  

I am still at 34 due to the financial problems resulting from 6 years of chronic anxiety, depression, and the fear of working for a boss (yes, it was a real phobia).  Also, the loss of those 6 years, my current relationship status, struggling to resume my career, and dealing with having gained about 30 lbs. over that 6 years.  

I put myself back in time at critical junctures in my life to take this test so I could put together a timeline.  

51  -  age 17, uBPD mom ('sanitary' hoarder), uNPD alcoholic/workaholic dad

36  -  age 19, amazing what being out of that house for a couple of years could do

23  -  age 25, self-esteem through work/school, friends, interests, read "Adult Children of Dysfunctional   Families and gained a lot of perspective on family dynamic, still binge drinking, bad at relationships

6   -   age 28, took a year to analyze self, no women, cut drinking down, focused on work/school/self

4   -   age 31, 2002 (prior to sis's suicide) Career/finances excellent, bought home, engaged      

73  -  2003 (5 months after sis's suicide) Bought second home with fiancee, focused on work, wrong moves, had first panic attack, most of this score is due to sis's suicide and having no supportive family bonds to help cope, also no idea where to go for help

76  -  2003 (9 months after sis's suicide - after getting forced out of my career b/c of severe depression)

85  -  2005 (December during coming out of the FOG of relationship with NPD sociopath and having moved  back in with uBPDm and NPD workaholic/alcoholic dad to 'get back on my feet' - dumbest decision of my life)  I checked myself into a hospital when I was driving back from checking on the sociopath one night after Christmas.  I thought a couple of times about pulling the wheel of my Jeep into a bridge imbunkment.  I stayed at the hospital for my 3 day evaluation, and checking myself in there was one of the better decisions I ever made.  

(50-70)  - 2006 - 2009, recovered from NPD sociopath, moved out of parents house after 18 months, chronic anxiety, new relationship that has been healing yet problematic also

34   -  today - radical (universal) acceptance is a tool, and understanding, that I never had before, I let go of the attachments to my mom - need for validation, acceptance, nurturing.  Relationship headed for a step back, but with perspective, I am now seeing some PD characteristics in my gf of 3+ years.  Struggling to resume my career, get my finances under control and back on track, and work on my lost social connections.  I am medication-free, and drug-free for that matter.  I don't abuse alcohol.  I am starting to sleep better and eat better.  I began exercising again.  Now it is freezing here and we are about to get a foot of snow, but I am still in a good mood  :)

After really hanging on the last few years, I feel relieved to be where I am at today.  I know after I resolve my finances and I resolve some of the things I have done to friends, family, and others since the fallout of 2003, my score will improve.  But right now I am enjoying the feeling of weathering the storm.  

I scored a 46, but this is no surprise - it's these feelings that caused me to seek out therapy.

Most of the feelings are the depressive, sad, guilty, confused feelings of having to disengage from my uBPD partner, and struggling with "peeling the onion" of my own problems that caused me to get into this situation in the first place. 

I'm hoping that therapy this time will really help me clear away a lot of debris that has caused me to be stuck in bad patterns for too many years.

My score was 6 but after I adjusted for the new baby it was one.  The adjustment was for things like - feeling tired - you bet! difficulty sleeping - of course but the doctor says she should sleep thru the night in a month or 2.   :)

My score went up quite a bit from last time I took the poll, a couple of months ago.  Not good.  I don't know what happened, really.  Gotta get back on track.  I know I am not doing some of the things I should be, like exercising enough and pushing myself to maintain a good schedule of the things I should be doing.  Have to get back to it.  I let myself slide.  I know I can turn it around.  Unfortunately, I have to push through some divorce stuff now, facing some tough things, but I just have to get it done and move on.  It drags me down, but the sooner I get it done, the better.  Tomorrow's a new day.

I scored 25 - right on the edge     .   Should be no real surprise but I was.

fifty bloody six!



Merry xmas all.

I can't find a link to the test... .only replies and scores others got.

I scored a 10.

Mermaid, it is on page one of this thread  <:-)

WOW Jersey girl ... .I want to be where you are at!


V- The test is just under Santa.   It will say topic-test.  Click on it and it will highlight.

Well, I took this test back in October and scored (I think) a 14-16 when I was just few weeks in on being NC - it is now day 70 of NC and I scored a 6. <:-)  The only thing that I am experiencing is a really stiff neck probably due to the fact that this is the first Holiday season without my xuBPDh - which means all of the preparations are on my shoulders.  Things are going fine, it is just something new is all... .  Hope that makes sense.

~mn36

35, not horrible but room for improvement. First time taking it. If I had taking it March or earlier - yikes!

I will say I'd always have scored a zero on the last 3 <whew!>

OK, there's no test under Santa that I can see here. No links. No topic-test. Nothing but the percentages show up. I would like to take the test, not just see what % others got. Is there any way at all to read and answer the test questions? I clicked on ny link that looked like a test, but I just keep getting back to this thread. No test, even when I click on the "take the test" link. Always back to this thread.

Mermaid, go to page 1 of this thread to make sure it looks the same, namely the bar graph results instead of the poll itself. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can click here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0) to go there. Assuming it does show on page 1 with the bargraph instead of the poll, it looks to me like you have already voted perhaps? Once I voted, I then lost the ability to take the poll and vote again.

OK, thanks. I guess I already voted once. But I saw posts here saying people had gotten different scores the first time, so I thought I could go again. Oh, well... . *)

mermaid,

I already voted once and I also could not find a link to vote again.  I just did it on paper this time.

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's hopelessness of my situation getting better, maybe it's all I have learned and trying to let go, maybe it's the constant rollercoaster ride, maybe it's watching my life slip away from me... .

The chaos of this relationship, and the list could go on and on... .  Maybe just the challenge of trying to pull myself out of this black hole and keep getting sucked back in... .

Score 7/09 - 50; score 9/09 - 57; score now 65   ;

Mermaid, the test is on page one of this thread.  It is skips first post that contains the test.  You have to write down your answers to get your score.  So click on page one and scroll down to Skips first post.  The test is in the first post.   

I scored a 77   ... .1 month NC  ( okay 1 week if you count an email link )

But my BPDsis is currently in hospital after her 4th suicide attempt and undergoing ECT, I'm acting as substitute mother for her D23 and have just been contacted by another (adopted out at birth) D24 who has bipolar with BPD traits. My uNPDbro recently lost his job and is looking for another. My uNPD father with whom I'm virtually NC but have had to contact via email in order to keep him in the loop re BPDsis is using said contact to do what he always does, which is ignore me and try and get information about my mother (his ex-wife of three years - and he remarried a 24yrs younger limited-English speaker in October, so what business is it of his? None but that's the point!)

And I have a chronic immune/neurological illness that I've had for nearly 17yrs, which is always affected by stress cos stress (gee, is this news?) is **tiring**!

Most of my responses are to do with being used by others to handle the situation cos I've done the years of work with a T to get to a place where I have good boundaries and communication skills with the family PDs - so they tend to leave it up to me cos 'you handle it so much better than I do'. Okay, I can relate to that - I went NC with BPDsis for 18months about eight years ago in order to establish those boundaries. But nobody else is trying to work on their own mental health... .Anyway, I'm about where I'd expect to be given the circumstances.

Hi Skip... .56 here.

December 11, 2009:             81

Lost, Morgause, Jalk, Desert,

Those numbers are too high!  Bring them down.  You can do it!

Mine went up also, but not that high.  We have to take care of ourselves.  Do what you need to do, but get those numbers down.  You don't deserve to be in that state and neither do I.

I know there are some things I should be doing to help myself and I have to do them.  Went for a hike today, talked with a friend, tackling some unfinished business, etc.  Whatever works.  Don't let the past or the actions of some crappy person dictate your life!  Easier said than done, I know.

We all deserve better.

Scored 61.  No surprises there! Lifes been hell.

I just worked on radical acceptance this morning and had a really positive experience.  My score 5 days ago was 34.  Today it is 23.  Just shows me that there is a daily variation in perspective to this stuff.  

Scored 54. I guess it's understandable, rough times.

Scored 50 and I think that's pretty good for me as it might be a little high but this is the best I've felt for years.

I am very happy to announce that I have reclaimed my progress and am now at a 6.   *)   My life circumstances haven't changed but my perspective and response to them has.  If anyone is interested, I have been working this year on the techniques I learned in the book, Feeling Good, by David Burns.  I also do a daily devotional out of The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, and I've been bit by bit working on Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. 

I feel like I have been building a comfy little brick cottage this last year and a half.  My foundation was Acceptance:  Of reality, of myself, of others, of where I was at any given moment.  Regardless of how dysfunctional, sad, angry, or whatever I felt, I gave myself permission to just be me.  I've been building brick by brick, taking my time, not in a hurry, carefully selecting each brick.  If I don't like how something turns out, if I built too many windows in a wall, or not enough, I can reconsider, remove, rearrange.  I like how it is coming together.  It is a labor of love.

ellefun2, what a wonderful, visual analogy, building a comfy little brick cottage! I'd like to do that, too, and with a little English flower garden, and vegetables and herbs growing, butterflies and hummingbirds flitting about, a nice cat on the hearth, windows open to the summer breeze. A white picket fence... .maybe even with a view of the sea... .ahhh!  :) xoxo

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS PEACE!

NewPhoenixRising, I can't figure out how everyone can take the test more than once. I keep getting nothing but the percentages graph when I click the link. Someone here said I can only take it once. Can someone please enlighten me as to how to access the test, and take it again? Or just send me the test and/or correct link to my email: mermaid7seas@gmail.com

Mermaid, when you click on the Topic: Test, you get the percentage graph.  Just scroll down to Skip's first post from there.  The test is in his first post.  You just have to write the answers down and report your score. 

Thanks, NewPhoenixRising. Got it. My abysmal score: 64. Yikes! Need to make some changes, and fast! 

*I really wish the test also included some comment on what the range of scores mean, and suggestions about how one can go about improving the score, ala Oprah. (50-65: Situation FUBAR. Go NC or LC now!) 

Hi all, My score is 22, mild depression. This is far better than some months ago where I was quite depressed. Therapy, change in life style, doing more things I love and thinking more about myself - and last but not least bpdfamily have given me encouragement and got me going again.

Thanks for your support.

I'm at 65. I guess I'm being badly triggered by my current financial stress - facing bankruptcy, working a temp contract and looking at more jobhunting and more uncertainty once the contract is up. I always find unemployment very, very stressful, and the bankruptcy is really freaking me out.

I'm also adjusting to NC with Mom, and although the feeling was mutual, her "banishment" of me still really hurts. I'm very, very sad at having to let go of her for good, and of all my hopes for the relationship. I feel very alone in the world right now. My friends have been very supportive, but it's still a tough thing to get over for me.

I just realized that I am a 4!

Sweet not depressed!

But 6 months ago or so it would have been really bad, so its much nicer now a days

I have just taken the test for the second time my score today is 87 and i am feeling totally and utterlly drained... .really bad few days and horrible few weeks in fact from uBPD H!  Some of the things he said to me yesterday were that : - I am such a lazy hit_, no wonder my parents and sister don't want anything to do with me look at the state of me, I stink, I am a horrible lazy hit_ and he can't believe he's married to such a lazy hit_ and why don't i just go and hang myself somewhere... .so the thought occurs why don't i do just that?  only thing stopping me at the present time is i have two daughters and already i feel guilty for wanting to selfishly take my life and end this horrible nightmare existance-i try and try and never get anything right.  He kicked my coffee over and took the sandwich off me said I didn't deserve to eat his food which he pays for - maybe i don't.   Therapy starts on 12th January 2010 - i am hanging on by the fingertips right now just praying I can get through New Year!

jen, call the suicide hotline, or go to a hospital and check yourself in.  If you are that high, you really need help.  You are at serious risk.   Your life is worth living and you need to hang on until you can get yourself there.  I am very serious.  Reach out for help.  Take your kids to the hospital with you if you have to. 

Yes, Jen, NPR is right.  Just for today, take care of yourself the best you can!

 Jen

Your life sounds miserable and you sound very depressed.

Is it possible for you to go to a hospital and talk about this? Once you are alone with a social worker or other safe person, you can let them know that you are so sad and you need help. Its also important that you tell them about the thoughts you have regarding taking your own life.

Your husband is  emotionally abusive and this has worn you down terribly.

Please do take some steps to take care of you.

Stepg

21 today despite landing a job that I am very excited about and will resume my career.  Unfortunately, it coincides with the same weekend that my gf and her son are moving out.  (We are working out some things.  She has been either been actively in the military herself, living with me, or married to someone in the military all but two years since graduating high school.  And those two (separate) years were spent at her mothers getting back on her feet after two separations).  So she wants to have the experience of being self-sufficient so she knows that she does not have to be dependent.  Also, we will both be working on our own issues in this time.  Because we will both be working full-time jobs (and I will also be maintaining self-employment part-time) and will both be taking classes (her full-time, me part-time), I have my doubts that we will have time enough to work on our relationship issues.  I have told her this from the start, and still feel this way, although I still love her and I know she still loves me.

Jen,

I see from your profile you are undecided about your relationship. You need to get out of it, and you don't need to wait until Jan 12 and pay a therapist $150 an hour to find that out. This man is destroying you. Whatever emotional attachment you have to him, is that more important than your life? He has you completely brainwashed to think you don't deserve better, can't get better, etc. You can.

I was once in the same place as you. I was severely clinically depressed with some suicidal ideation (which I never told anyone at the time). Once you get in that place, you literally can't think. You can't see the obvious, or at least you don't want to or are very much afraid to. You feel helpless and like pain is what you were destined to live.

None of that is true. You deserve better, you will find better, it is not helpless, you are not destined to live a life of pain, etc. This man is all of those things, and what he has done is project it onto you for so long it has brainwashed you.

I agree with others -- get professional help immediately. But at the same time, get this man out of your life -- the sooner the better. If you are clinically depressed, it is not likely you will recover without medical intervention. I'm not talking about the psych ward or hospitalization. It will more than likely be a a prescription for an SSRI (probably LexaPro) along with therapy. But even with medical assistance, you won't recover with him still in a  position to do this to you. His negative influence on your mental health is greater than any pharmaceutical and therapist combined. There is no drug or therapy that can make you happy and mentally healthy in a highly abusive relationship.

Dropped back down to 18, lowest so far for me.  I think it goes up and down.  That's ok with me, as long as the overall trend is steadily down.

7 for me.  I got a call from enSis which made me a little sad. And still working on that selfesteem but I generally think things are on the upswing. 

Yay - got a 13 today. After starting in the Severe to Extreme category, it is so nice to measure how I am feeling these days! I'm so busy with a 2 year old and 4 year old that difficulty sleeping, increase/decrease in appetite and feeling tired are probably quite normal!

I've only been on this site for about 3 weeks, DH is still undiagnosed (except by me), and I'm waiting to see if he will keep his psychiatrist appointment in a month.  My score is 40 right now.   Praying for lower numbers soon!

JDoe

Just saw this post- don't know how I missed it.

  Took the test.  Got a 38- how depressing !

   I didn't think I was that down, but I guess I am- funny. I'm way better than I was a few months ago as I'm learning to live with the losses.

I fared 32. I don't feel depressed though. According to the question you posted, I should. I feel that I have better tools now than a few weeks ago to address the situation.  I am scared of the future but not paralyzed. Not sure why I fared so low.

I scored 45... .moderately depressed which is true. I've already established that fact. I've been much worse in my life. I'm lessl than 24 hours NC but I left uBPxh in June. It's going on 8 months now that I've been out of his house. He has been relentless in his quest to "win" me back. Either making crazy threats or putting me up on the pedestal verbally. Both are re-engagements and manipulations.  I have not made al move to rebuild my social life. I dated a man four or five times and had a very nice time. Then BP put on the full court press and I gave in to see him occasionally. Now I have told him to not call or come by or make contact at all anymore. I know it's the best thing but it does leave me feeling raw.

I do run at least 3 times a week and usually more. It's my saving grace I guess. I'm able to de-stress through exercise. I take myself to a movie occasionally or go to the book store/coffee bar. I visit my FOO four hours away when I can. That's the extent of my life ourside of going to work. Thank God I work nights or I really would be in a mess as some of my nights are occupied at least. I have turned down many invitations to go to dinner etc with friends from work. I just don't "feel" up to it somehow. I know I am going to have to "make" myself go at some point. I don't have children and like I said I'm four hours away from family so I am pretty much alone here. I'm surviving but that isn't going to be enough for very long. I don't care about the bar scene, I'm not really a churchy person. I don't know where to meet people except at work.

21, but I'm currently fighting a head cold and am quite run down from that. I'm only 2 weeks back into the light, so to speak, and I think re-acclimating to a normal diet and exercise program may have knocked my immunities down. So, I'm reporting in with a 'conditional' 21  .

Huh! 21! Last time I was over 26 (don't remember which but it tells me what category I was in). I remember it was in the 20's but still an improvement.  |iiii

<edit> I had made a post - I was 35 in early December. Apparently I had a good weekend or week or something. :)

I wonder how valid this test is. I took it a week ago and I scored a 38. Took it today and I scored a 16.

Had a few sleepless nights last week. I went to find my BPDs and saw him for the first time since July.

Only saw him about a minute, but he looked good. Didn't converse, but it gave me some relief to know he seems to be physically healthy.

Maybe that's why the huge swing. Relief?

Hey, I tested 23 today. That's a lot better than 32 a week ago... .I think the LC works

I just took the test and scored 71!  I had my third counselling session yesterday although we just touched on some CBT but my therapist thinks that I need some other kind of counselling and will be making a referal - however she is in her words trying to "get me going".  She showed me how my emotions are controlling my behaviour which although I can see it when it's written in front of me and I have researched lots and lots of things to try and get myself going I just can't seem to put the effort in - I feel drained, and washed out most of the time.  I would really like to be able to sleep.  A good thing though I am not thinking about ending it anymore... .I know that I CAN get better - I want to feel happiness, peace, joy, fulfilment, loved, be motivated I want to live my life so I guess that I WANT this for me is a good start?  We talked a lot about depression and I can't actually remember not feeling this way although I must have - my memory is really bad.

I was supposed to be starting volunteering this week for the Citizens Advice Bureau here in the UK BUT I had my induction last Friday and since then panic has set in, fear of failing, fear of not being able to cope, fear of being shouted at, fear of being in an office - all the anxiety I expressed following being bullied at work have impounded on me greatly but that's all I know - office work & to make things worse working for solicitors since the age of 16 - I withdrew from helping with CAB and now I feel that I let myself down and the CAB but it would have been much worse for me actually going along and having another breakdown!I don't feel strong enough to keep coming back from the depths of depression!  This time I have to really work on my mental health and get back to some kind of living - I need to find me - do any of you feel lost inside your body?

14

Self Esteem- or lack of it, is the story of my life

Shame- a guiding force in MY life, replaced only by allowing God to restore me.  My shame causes my self will to run riot, so as not to face the demons, flaws, etc.  Only "cure" for me is alignment with Him.  Now I am coming out of the tunnel and breathing fresh air.  DBT training helps hugely!

Eleni

I got a 57. Yes, I know I've been really depressed. I need to get myself out of this depression.

Scored 23 (3-4 months after break-up, broke up end of Sept but Friends with Benefits until Nov)

NC since first week of Jan... .it made all the difference in my score which was way up there in Dec... .

Jeez, I got a 42.  I'm more down than I realized.  Not good.  Like another poster, what I am consciously feeling is anger and anxiety instead of sadness, but I've heard that depression is anger turned inward, so, I think that if I can tackle my anger it will result in less depression.   

I also think that if my work situation picks up and I'm busy again (I'm a freelancer and times are very, very slow right now) my mood will lift.   

My main problem is that when I'm experiencing negative emotions like anger and fear/anxiety, I self-soothe with drinking alcohol to numb out, and I over-eat as well.  The resulting weight gain (Doh!) makes me very upset, fills me with self-disgust and just feeds back into the cycle in a downward spiral.

Lord, Please send me some work, and I believe can get a handle on this crap!  I find it remarkable that although I have insight, a pretty clear intellectual handle on why I am the way I am, why I do things the way I do, my patterns, my habits, etc., that knowledge doesn't seem to translate into self-control and change.  Frustrating!

-LOAnnie

Oh man! i got a 54! i didn't even realize i was that depressed!

LOAnnie, I hear you. I'm out of work and trying to make ends meet and it's very difficult. It's at the point where I know every month some bills don't get paid, things are late, etc. But aside from looking for work and trying to sell my house, there's really nothing I can do about it. So I've kind of surrendered to it and it felt better. I was hoping to make a career change at this time, but I may have to go back to a corporate job for a while. I was (stupidly) waiting for an SO to make up his mind (see below), and I wasted valuable time that I could have used to find work, freelance or no.

Surprisingly, I scored a 19 today--not bad considering I went through another break-up on Sunday and Valentine's Day is looming. Not sure if he was truly BPD or just a commitment phobe, but it stings either way. The first 6 months were great, no red flags, then problems started. I was kind of ready for anything, but too dependent on him to make the decision. Ah, well, another learning experience. I've decided to stay out of the dating pool for a while until I get the rest of my life where I want it. I have found love relationships to be a great source of support when they are working, but a huge derailing of my motivation and goals when they don't.

Anyway, now I can move one, so I have to muster some positivity out of thin air and just trust things will improve (coupled with taking action to the degree I can). I think letting go and trusting is particularly hard for us nons.

LOA, I hear you too about understanding intellectually what we need to work on, but emotionally or energetically not being able to quite get there. I also tend to self-soothe with alcohol and food, so I'm trying to cut back on that (not cut it out completely--that feels unrealistic). I started on a 28-day plan on the first of February (since February has 28 days, and it is said that's how long it takes to change a habit). Everyday, I try to do something healthier, whether it's exercise, get outside, spend more time with supportive friends, drink less, spend more time on creative pursuits, etc. I start the day with some positive videos and affirmations--corny, I know, and not right for everyone, but they really are working for me. I try to spend at least 15 minutes a day meditating. I find it makes me less depressed and anxious and gets my left brain/right brain activity more evened out. My biggest thing is I have to ease up on myself and not be so hard on myself for past mistakes, where I am now, etc.

As a last note, I've heard that anger is actually better than depression, because it gets you moving and forces action (vs. the lethargy that accompanies depression). Is there any way you can use this to your advantage--kind of reinvent yourself, start some new positive activities, feel more like you are in charge of your own life? 

Fortunately, the ex-SO bought me a ticket to LA to get out of town next month (I think he was already planning the break-up and feeling guilty), so I just have to hang on for 20 days until vacation (staying with my sister, so the rest of the trip is ultra-cheap).

I scored a 15.  Before finding this board a few months ago, it would have been a LOT higher. Time, and this site, are doing wonders . Thanks all!

Boy this thread has been around a long time! And so have I!

Oct 18, 2008:

"6-12.

Two years ago, I would have been 54-58! Only Major difference in my life is that I exited OZ!

If you are still in oz and scoring in the depressed range. Seriously think about changing something.  It is NICE being happy, and not feelng guilty or worthless! 

Crystal"

today: 1.   |iiii

LIG--Thanks to all of you for all your help!

Crystal

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

I have just taken the test and I am very pleased with my score - 50!

Some of you may think that's still too high but I am really encouraged by this myself - no harmful thoughts at all for the last 4/5 days.

Week 5 of therapy sessions tomorrow.

I pray that it will continue to go down but I take one day at a time.

I am at 2, no depression, i survived, it took me 3 years,overall, including the marriage,the honeymoonphase,the aftermath, all together took 6 years of my life... .

Lot wiser, not bitter,not hatefull, back to my old older self... .i often say what a waste, but in the end it wasnt a waste, but a painfull lessen, to get to this level of selfesteem and knowing myself and knowing what i want and i dont want. This big hole in myself is filled,by me... .that is the reward

15, but when unsure I leaned to the lower score.  Lowest so far for me.  Not sure why.  Still lots on my mind, but it is getting squeezed out by other things.

75.

I get an 8! But mostly for lack of motivation and lack of interest in romance/sex.

7 months into separation and a couple of months ago would clearly have been around 50.

Life is good. 

My score is 5!  :)  :)  :)

I only had it score this because I haven't found a job yet. But that's the only reason, I have enough money coming in to support my kids and I so I don't worry about that. My main concern is getting back in the workforce  :).

I went down like 52 points!

Loving my peace and my time with my kids.

Hey Columbian Chick! Way to go!  Inspirational!   |iiii

xoxox

Thanks! :)

took the test & scored 60 today maybe lower cos the sun is shining!

I have started to look after myself from the inside out, baby steps really tho - taking vitamins, cod liver oil & eve primrose oil, Vit C Berroca, Omega 3, 6 & 9 plus still taking the high blood pressure tabs but hoping to reduce them as been off booze for FOUR WEEKS TOMORROW, quite proud of myself for that achievement.  Still on anti-depressants but it's only 10 mgs, not going to tackle that whilst still in therapy and still have a high score.

I am thanking my friends on here that are keeping me going - and encouraging me to do the yoga & pilates. 

The H is still behaving like a jerk, and I had to close down facebook because of him last Friday but that's a virtual world anyway and not real.  He did comment last night "have you had a wash today" - answered why - "cos you smell" - just the only thing he could come up with to hurt me and my self esteem but at least I know what he's doing now!  By the way I didn't smell - lol

Hi, Jen!  I am so proud of you!  No alcohol for 4 weeks is a very big accomplishment.  Your H is sensing you growing wiser and stronger.  That "stinks" to him because he realizes that he is losing the power he had over you.  You are stepping out of the FOG and becoming the Jen that you were meant to be!

God bless you!

JDoe

I scored 80, holy crap that's not good!

64 at the moment... .but I am fresh outta it!

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

December 11, 2009:             81

March 12, 2010             84  

So Skip, is today's score a board record ?

I scored a 30.  It's been 6 weeks since my xBPDw left me and 2 weeks total NC.  It was difficult to answer some of these questions because I keep alternating between heavy sadness and an almost manic hopefulness.  Today I'm feeling pretty good but I know that this can change on a dime and I could be in tears by the end of the day.  I have had difficulty staying focused on work and have had to dig into the savings to stay afloat (I consult).

Overall, I'm really hopeful about the future. On better days I feel like I narrowly escaped life-long misery with a untreated BPD spouse. But sometimes I get suddenly overwhelmed by an immense sense of sadness and loss and can't stop crying for a while.  I have contemplated suicide in a superficial way during those times, imaging how I would do it and how people in my life would respond. It is only a fantasy and I would never act on it. I know that I have many people who love me and they would be hurt much worse that I have been hurt by my wife leaving. I have a big heart and I could never do that to anyone. When feeling this emotional pain I remind myself that emotions are temporary and like clouds, they will pass.

my score is 80 today... .no wonder after the last few days with the psycho that i married! :'(

i just got an 81 desert so dont feel bad

I know it's not much but it's all I can do:   

Kindest regards and best wishes, Desert

 Scored a 27.  I took this test on feb 12th and scored a 15. I dont know... .its just been a tough week or so, maybe a bit longer.

I feel like a stupid little kid right now. I just keep thinkin maybe if I' done this or that, she'd stilll be here, but I'm relatively sure from what I've read and learned on this site, that she is BPD, everything fits, except for she didnt do the rage scream yell thing. (though I would get some cold sarcastic comments for no apparent reason). But I guess that just makes her a quiet,  "acting in borderline" .

  I now know more about the mechanics of BPD than I ever did, Yet for some reason I just cant forget this relationship, or her. And I have not had this type of problem with any relationship in the past.  It was getting easier a bit till a week or so ago, and for some reason , the feelings and memories keep comin back.  ?  I don't think this relationship, and it's loss, is something I'll ever completely forget.(I dont really think I'd want to completely erase it from my memory) . It's just gonna be something I come to terms with, learn to accept and move on. Thats kinda what I'm doing... .but the process is a marathon, not a sprint, for me anyway    

ya jp, its a marathon thats for sure. i spent 12 years with my kids mom, luckily for me, she treated the kids bad. i know that sounds weird, but what im saying is since i seen that it has helped me get over her. now BPD girl on the other hand... .i just recently told to 'f' off into the sunset, we'll see how that goes

54

My score is 42. Not so great. I think it does fluctuate from day to day or week to week.

11 today not too bad

I hit 16 which is odd. It's lower than the last time.

BUT at the moment I am really weepy and upset with issues with the bf. Wonder if I missed a section, will have to go back and look. I did have a bunch of 0's but they are typical for me so they'd have been zero before.

Must be the sunny day despite the bf being an ___ lol

Ok I got a 40 what does this mean? I'm nervous about this score.

Nautica, I think you can see the bar chart above showing that the most common scores for our members are 26 to 50 - in the same range as your scores.  This is "moderate depression" - it needs to be looked after but isn't unusual.

This is about the range I have been in since separating from my wife.  To me it means I still function OK, but take less joy in stuff, sleep more, and think way too much about bad stuff I can't do anything about.

My counselor gave me some practical things that have helped quite a bit:  regular (daily) cardiovascular exercise, eating healthy and the same time every day, no caffeine after noon, music, and anything else I enjoy and find relaxing.  Stuff he encouraged me to avoid:  dwelling on things that make me sad, and anything that adds to my stress (like cable news).  Basically, more time on the stuff that makes you feel good and be healthy, and less time on unhealthy and stressful stuff.

It has helped quite a bit, though I am still working on it.

also try lifting weights. it helped me alot. gotta stick to a routine. if you would like i can make you out an exercise plan. after about 3 or 4 days your endorphins kick in and its great

Thanks so much matt and dilbert! And yes I would love the workout plan and is the workout plan something for us weak women? Lol and I hope my score will improve I'm just two weeks out after ten yrs and a self recycle I got burned hard again and it feels worst then the first times because I actually kKNOW there is someone new and it sucks so please need all the help I can get.

ya ill come up with something for ya. usually take between half hour to an hour a day. i mean we could do the full body blast or just some toning. let me know. im not a buff dude, but i have a friend who is and got me on a great plan. so ive learned alot about it. and eats lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of lean protein :)

I scored a 10.  I'm alright with that for sure! I think it's the optimism in me making it so low.  Good things happening for me,  better things to come.  I've still got some unanswered questions about myself!  But for now,  I'm good!  :)

Ok dilbert I will try the toning first lol do u need to know anything from me?

ya just message me your height and weight if you want to. but for sure let me know if you have any limitations... .bad knees, sore back, any other medical problems. ill run everything by him and get it back to you in a day or two. he's going to get certified for personal training by this summer. so he knows what he's doing. of course if you want to tone, then low weights-high reps, but ill get you some exercises other than the basics.

Yes I'm 5'3 and since being in the relationship with the ex BPD partner... I've become obese and have bad knee and lower back I so need help in all areas

I'm a year and a half out and scored a 20.

well your back is where everything starts so... .make sure when you do back exercises you use right form. for your back id do some lat pulldowns,upright rows and 'lawnmowers'. remember, low weight-lots of reps. you wanna be doing between 15-20 reps per set. and i recommend starting with just 3 sets of each exercise. for your biceps i say do curls with a curl bar and then straight bar then finish off with dumbbell hammer curls. that way you hit your biceps at all angles.

Day 1: back and biceps... .do these together as you use your biceps to to do back as well

Day 2: chest and triceps... .flat bench, incline bench, and flies for chest. for triceps do pulldowns with rope,(you get more toning with rope than you do with the bar), and either some kickbacks or close grip presses. REMEMBER low weight high reps

Day 3: legs. hamstrings,leg extensions and calf raises... .trust me, you wont be able to walk afterwards :)

Day 4: shoulders. front and side raises and military press.

and on any day you can do shrugs for your lats... .you can do them on shoulder days or any other day you want.take 2 days off then start over again

Woohoo high 70s down to 24 in 3 months :) A stint in hospital, going NC, antidepressants and therapy. Definately heading in the right direction.

43 not too bad compared to a few weeks ago.  I think I'm getting stronger.  I'm sure it takes time.

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

Today    7

Spending a lot of time with my kids recently;  and a good career direction;  and very little communication with my ex.  Plus counseling, and bpdfamily.com.

I'm kind of surprised by this though;  it kind of snuck up on me.  (The improvement I mean.)

Today I scored 3... .bit shocked actually.  I have bouts now and again of crying when I get  remembered of him, apart from that I am really happy.  I remember taking this test when my ex left me 18 months ago and it was very bad, up in the 60`s.  My doctor was very concerned and I went to a therapist and was put on medication.  Time really does heal.

I scored a 45, which is no shocker.  I lost a baby in October, and when I take stock of the last three years, it's been one upheaval after another.  But I just saw my doctor about it, told her I felt like I was maintaining a low level of depression nearly all the time, high-functioning (my son is well cared-for, the laundry's [mostly] done, no one's starving in our home, etc.) but low, low motivation, and she's put me on a small dose of antidepressants.  She and I are on the same page about the neurochemical effects of being raised in an abusive home, and I feel comfortable on this course of medication under her care.  I told her three years ago, I wrote a legal brief that helped set Federal precedent regarding search and seizure law.  Now, I do well to have clean clothes on every day.  I'm betting I get my wheels back on the track soon.

Thanks for featuring this. 

Tivo

35 - December

21 - Jan 24

16 - Mar 21 (odd as I was weepy then)

20 - Apr 4 (still weepy)

One month after the final break-up: 66

Better days will come... .

centella,

Better days WILL come.

I left my wife in October 2008, with my head spinning... .scored high for the first 1/4 of 2009, and then scored lower every time I did the test.

Scored 4 today. Still in therapy, still having access/custody issues, still have to interact with Crazyhorse once a week, but feeling bulletproof.

I've learnt that rumination is my ruination!

Shane

got a score of 60 here, i guess thats not looking so good ;(

Scored over 80. Have known I was spiraling down even further the last week or so.

I am dealing with multiple issues: I finally clued into the fact that something was wrong with dBPDstbxh about 18 months ago when I found out my Mom's cancer was incurable and she had weeks to months left to live. She ended up living just over 6 mths from that day, but my BPSO was horrible, horrible, horrible. The betrayal I felt was more painful than losing my dear mother (the best person I have ever known in my life).

Now in the aftermath I am dealing with so much FOG. I lost my Mom, and I feel like I couldn't even enjoy the last months of her life because I had to give 80% of my energy to dealing with him and the breakdown of our marriage (after multiple attempts to save it). Then we had SO's diagnosis, which was a momentary relief but knowing the label for his disorder doesn't take away the pain it has caused and continues to cause. I feel guilty for "failing" at marriage, for refusing to be his emotional caretaker, for exposing my kids to him, for neglecting my family (my sisters and Dad are so worried about me and I rarely call them). Also, there is still so much grief about my Mom. It comes in waves and takes me by surprise. I wish I had her with me now.

I am on meds and seeing a T to get through this difficult time, but I see I am still far from coming out the other side. **SIGH**

 Thank you dear Shane. I'm proud of you for all your progress. And yes, it is true, we seem to be our worst enemies as we blame ourselves and review things in our minds over and over again... .I'm trying to let go now. And avoiding trying to figure or understand a disturbing or painful memory more than once. It comes to my mind, I process it and I file it. If it comes to my mind again, I just put it back in the file, without analysing it all over again. This seems to be working for me as it keeps me from entering the self destruction cycle again. I have faith in a better future  |iiii

I wish you to keep recovering and good luck for your custody issues.  xoxo

Centella

Dear SoundMind, I feel so much for you.  xoxox

I wish I could say something that could make you feel better, but I know that words are never enough to ease such amount of pain. All I can say to you is that through all the pain I've been through in the course of my life, it has always been proved that pain does subsides with time. In the meanwhile, seek some hope in the thought that one day all this will be behind you and you will smile again without that heavy weight on your shoulders and that pain on your chest. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You did your best with the amount of knowledge and resources you had at that time. You do know that if by any chance those situations could happen again, now, after you have experienced and learned from them, maybe you could do a little better, but how could you do better before you had been through these experiences?  It's easy to say "I should've done this, or that", but the truth is that, could you really have done better without knowing what you know now? I don't think you could, my dear. I wish I could hug you. You're not alone. And when you overcome all these hardships, and you will overcome them, you will be so much wiser and stronger.

Please take care of yourself. One day at a time, small baby steps, and you'll find your way out of the FOG.

Centella

Thanks centella. This board means so much to me! When I talk to my friends/sisters, they always say something like "get out! NOW! What are you waiting for? Leave!" and they're right, but they don't understand the FOG and how it can mire you in inaction. Here, everyone understands and that has truly saved my sanity.

Thank you to everyone, just for being here and sharing your stories. It has helped more than you can know.

xoxox

I got a 1!



4 years out... .kids were rumbuctios this weekend, so I'm a wee bit tired - that's where the 1 came from


YEEHAAWWW - I am out of OZ - still dealing with the crazy one - but that's dealing with - not impacted by!

HOF

I got a 4.  Lucky number... .   |iiii  6-9 months ago it was a completely different story... .  Having gone NC was and is the key to my happiness... .  :)

- Ciao

My score today is 56 - I did think it would be lower than that BUT I AM PLEASED IT IS COMING DOWN!

I am working hard with my therapist to try and heal myself.

Here's what I have learned so far: -

Mother never loved me - I have come to terms with that sort of, but I don't know why.

I feel and felt unloved and worthless.  Empty.

I am beginning to understand the feelings I have.

I don't love or like myself at all - but I am making an effort to do so.

My H and I have had a passionate/volatile relationship fuelled by my Mother and her poison.

I have accepted the bad behaviour from my Mother, Step Dad, Sister and Husband by being passive - never letting my needs/feelings be heard.

I am scared of conflict & will try and do anything to avoid it.

I love my daughters but hate saying NO to them - a sign of passive behaviour.

I have always seeked my

3 years out and I got a 3! Nothing like NC! The only reason I got above a 0 is because I'm tired a bit because I'm trying to do so much stuff all the time, work, gym, beach, skiing, surfing, playing guitar. Who has time to sleep? Maybe I should move it to a 4?

I'm at 70. I can't get through these stages. No amount of counseling is going to make my heart feel better. I cry everyday. The more time that goes by, the worse I feel. Now my son is starting to show signs that he's been affected by his stepfathers sudden desertion of us.  Our 8th anniversary would have been on the 10th of April.

Did the test again today.

On 9/3/10 it was 64

On 10/4/10 it was 14

In 1 month after finally getting him out of my life I have improved in leaps and bounds!

Therapy will not make the problem go away - you are right.  It might help you deal with it a little better.  70 is a dangerous level.

Have you seen a psychiatrist for a meds evaluation.  It's just 1 visit and its a good place to start.  Get something to help with the chemical imbalance of your depression.

If you are not ready to see a therapists just yet, try this book.  It is recognized as the best book for depression by therapist - they have even done clinical studies on how reading the book helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/david_burns.htm

I check our book auction today and saw that on supplier has it for $3.18 plus shipping.

Know that we are hear for you 24/7  xoxox

Seeing a psychiatrist for a meds evaluation - that's what I did when I was at my lowest point, and I'm really glad I did!

Skip, what book are you referring to?

Opps.

Feeling Good by David Burns, MD

https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/david_burns.htm

I added the link to my post above.

Burns is from Stanford.  The have actually compared populations with therapy, those that just read the book (bibliotherapy) and those without either.  People that read the book showed significant signs of improvement.

After 97 days of nonstop crying, I finally gave in to anti-depressant meds. This is just so hard. I feel like I got hit in the face with a ton of bricks. Its as if the last 8 years never even happened. My son just lost his best friend in a horrific car accident. Normally, when upset, he could go to his stepfather for guidance and comfort. He didn't even get a phone call from my ex. Not even a phone call... .My son feels so abandoned. How could someone do that?

52 today, crikey this isn't good.

Scored 11

Not bad for someone only two months out of Oz  :)

Of course if I didn't have Fibro I'd have only scored 9

*does a little happy dance*

Back up to 25 and sometimes feeling worse recently.  And a few weeks ago I seemed to have it all together for a while.  Gotta force myself back into the good routine.  A good, productive day today seemed to help some.

Hang in there, shallowval.

First time taking the test and I scored a 60.  I'm a bit shocked that it was that high of a number.  But, I'm in therapy and also seeing a psychiatrist.  I'm on a daily antidepressant as well as prescribed sleep aid.  I'm working through it.  I'll plan to take the test again next month, and the month after that, etc., to hopefully see my score decrease.  It all takes time.  (This is me trying to be positive.)

Dec 13/09 ... .50

Dec 30/09 ... .59

Mar   1/10 ... .50

May 19/10 ... .31

Looks like I'm going in the right direction. I'm more relaxed now and smiling more.

I'm not constantly focused on my mother or sister.

I'm getting my head back.

justhere

Extremely Depressed.

Nearly 4's across the board.

   Scored a 26 today.  I don't know really if I will ever be the way I always used to be.

   This is so frustrating. I've never in my life felt like this when a relationship ended.  Its been nearly 6 months and some days are good, others I simply cant get her or the relationship out of my head. This is truly the most illogical strange and seemingly unforgettable  thing that has ever happened to me in my 50 years on the planet. Life goes on, but she, and this whole BPD experience... .has been life changing.

Its like a big part of me is just gone. ?

Hate to say it... .maybe just a bad day but I honestly do not believe so. I scored a 50.

I thought I just check and see how I was doing.

I was 50 back in Dec 09

Today 13 ( 1 1/2 years from my awareness of the mental illness and abuse)

I had to check it 3x to be sure.

justhere

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

4/2/10    7

Today     4

AND


Those are such inspiring posts!

I have to say that I probably vary that much day-to-day right now! Today has been a fabulous day, filled with all sorts of fun distractions from how much I miss my ex uBPD (9+ weeks NC) and how hopeless I sometimes feel about that. So, today, I'm an 11. Two days ago, after I had an unsolicited lovey dovey message from my ex in my Inbox, well, I was more like a 34. One day, I hope to be more even keeled. Right now, I'm just grateful for wonderful days like today.

12/8/09:  High, but didn't record

1/8/10: 18

3/7/10: 15

4/17/10: 25 (aftermath of tax day?)

9/9/10: 15

Some of the questions are starting to sound foreign to me.  They didn't before.  That's good.

I had that reaction today too!  Some of them, I think, why would I feel like that?  And I roll my eyes and put 0.

But not so long ago I was at 2 or 3 or 4 on those same items!

Same with me.  I remember when I got the same score in the past I made a note that when in doubt I was leaning to the low side in picking my number.  No need this time.  And no drugs either now. :)

A 26 and I thought I was having a bad day.  I will have to try this next week after the latest BP weirdness fades out.  It is huge progress that fallout from the BP incident bother me for a day or two and then I am done.

Got a 20... .not surprising, I'm feeling a little down.  Not thinking about him, just feel stagnant... .33 is probably too young to give up on love but I really just don't believe it exists right now, I can't figure out how to trust again.

Wow.  I took this test two years ago and got a 58.  I just took it today and got an 8!  I truly, in my bones, felt I would never be happy again when I was going through the worst of my drama two-and-a-half years ago.  I want to tell everyone getting better IS possible.  Meeting new friends, trying new activities an improving your life IS possible.  It is even possible to have a healthy, life-affirming relationship (which I've now been in for a year... .amazing!).  What I'm trying to say is hang in there everyone!  Keep taking steps to your own freedom and happiness.  I promise you it is out there, and it's worth it!

AG

54... .

17... .

Didn't know I had mild depression, knowing it caused me: Mild Depression.   :)

23

I still have some bad days that creep up where I feel guilty for breaking up with my uBPDxbf.  I'm also have difficulty comprehending that the relationship 'wasn't real'.  I have been reading a lot of books and working on me.  Currently in search of a good therapist.

Over 50.

This is worrying, on the other hand it matches my age.

I am fashion conscious!

crap, 50

over the past 2 weeks, I've been seriously considering divorce... .depressing as there's a child involved

I am at a 6, whew, thought I would never get to this point. Still not the old perky self but no longer feeling like sticking my head in the wash machine to clean out the   in my mind.

I feel clearer and happier, stronger.

C

This keeps popping up in my topics because I took this test in August, 2008.  I scored in the 40's back then.

Things got significantly better for me and then... .life got crappy -- really, really crappy.

Now here I am - over two years after the first time I took this test - and I scored 60. The score concerns me because I have battled clinical depression before and it is a hard fight. 

I know that at one point, I would have scored much, much lower... .then life started smacking me around and I seem to be losing the will to fight or to try.

This has nothing to do with the long gone (thank God) BPD in my life.  I guess the bright side is that if I was dealing with the full plate of ___ that I'm dealing with now, and still had him to deal with too, I'd be hauled off by the men in white coats.

I know it's a season... .that it will pass... .that I will rise above it.  History proves that this is true. But I wonder when... .and how.  I'm weary and discouraged and have seem to lost my hope and my optimism. I hate that.

turtle

A year ago I think I was extemely depressed and close to heart attackville, stress and depressed. (One of my co-workers who was also married to a Russian was having some major problems with his wife, he did have a stress related heart attack and he passed away at work several months ago)

Today, No depression.

Overall, I am very Fuzzy... .the warm kind of Fuzzy... .


Good thing I am a man, I would never have thought of that one... .:)

Of course without this reminder I would have forgotten washing machines even exist (I live in Thailand and unfortunately I no longer have to clean house, cook or wash clothes)  :)

I hope that comment doesnt make anyone have to   or   or heaven forbid make them feel like 

Fuzzy 

I'm not a mental health professional, but that's probably a good thing.

Shane

I scored 8. I cannot believe it! I have not been posting on the board since a few and did not realize how much things have changed and how much better I feel. Thanks!

Yes, we should all be so burdened.   :)



LOL

C

Hang in there Turtle. It is a long haul but you will get there.

C

An interesting test,even though the X has been on my mind this week I scored a 5,pleased about that.

Like most of us I have suffered from deep depression in the past but not for a long time now,life is pretty good really.

I scored a 4.

Therapy is a very good thing.  |iiii

"18". Retaking the test, reflecting back 1 year ago, I was at "46" so I feel good about the progress I am making.  |iiii

|iiii




xoxox

12/8/09:  High, but didn't record

1/8/10: 18

3/7/10: 15

4/17/10: 25 (aftermath of tax day?  court decision pending; dissatisfied with L; false evidence certified by stbxw)

9/9/10: 15

1/3/11:  16

8/24/08  19

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

4/2/10    7

9/9/10    4

1/3/11    7

26.  I'm 3.5 months out of a 15-month relationship.  I'm okay with where I am because I know I'm definitely on the upswing.

I find the struggles daily with dhBPD. I would leave today if I had financial means. Im seeing a T now and that helps a bit but ultimately I know I need to disengage from him in order to get whole again. We've been married 4 yrs prior to this marriage i was married almost 17yrs. The last 5 yrs of that marriage was with an abusive alcoholic. Ya Im not feeling so great about me these days. But I keep trying. New hair cut, some nice clothes :) Im trying. Ive been building a cash stash but not enough yet. Today is not a good day. Tomorrow will be better.

I scored a 63.  So I guess I am not doing to well right now.

That's pretty high.  (I'm not sure how I got because I didn't find this test till I was on the mend.)

Are you seeing a counselor?

To get a score this high you must have scored pretty high on some of the really scary parts, like thinking about hurting yourself.  Are you having thoughts like that?

Matt, no I don't want to hurt myself all those were 0's, maybe I over rated some of the others? I don't want to do anything to help my uBPDh right now and don't care or think I don't care what he thinks does or how he feels. Not very motivated at home,nothing is much fun. Do what I have to do to take care of the kids. I still bathe,do my hair, change my clothes.Don't feel pretty,smart,useful,caredfor,listened to, wanted around,needed... .Sounds like to me I am feeling sorry for myself, Intelecually I say quit feeling sorry for yourself,do something,   Don't have the energy or know what to do. Maybe I don't want to.

No I am not seeing a counselor, can't afford to. (He doesn't want to) I was but money way to tight.

Y, let me suggest to you that you go to this board:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0 - our "Taking personal inventory board" - and post the same stuff.  Lots of us have been through something like this, more or less, and I think you can get some ideas to help you pull through it.  Nothing magic but others on that board gave me a lot of practical ideas that helped me when I was at my lowest.

Best wishes,

Matt

53

In Nov. 2009 I was at "46", Oct. 2010 I was at "18" and now I am a solid "3"!  |iiii Here is the surprising point however, my outlook on the viability of the long term of my relationship has not changed - It's still a toss up at best. This tells me I have accepted many of the facts that I know I was in denial with for such a long, long time. And although I want things to work out I know that it may very well not and I can now accept that.

Went from 29 to 10 in the past month. 

Feelin' stronger by the day... .

2 Years ago to about 8 months ago... .I was scoring high 60s and even into the high 70's... .

Today I am at 26!  |iiii   I am still with my uBPDbf, however, over the last couple of years I have learned about BPD and have come to start to accept his illness for what it is.

I have come to accept life for what it is... .I don't torment myself to be "perfect" for him... .because there is no perfect.

I have come A LONG LONG WAY!  and I am proud of myself... .there are setbacks, however I have managed to pull my mental health out of the Toilet and learn to cope and accept myself for who I am.   

Thanks to FACING THE FACTS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND EDUCATION!  :) :)

Without them... .who knows where I would be today !  Hi!

25... .not so bad. I'm sure my score is plummeting also. I have 4 in making decisions, Motivation, and loss of interest at work. I am just starting to work on those issues now. So there is 12 I can turn around.

45. Ouch. Yup, sounds about right  lol 

I was amazed that I only scored 8!  So much of it has to do with having a customer service job that I love!  When I first started this job part of the training was going out and introducing myself to other employees.  I almost quit on the spot, I thought I don't want to talk to people, but it has been so healing starting with a large group of people that don't know my BPDxh.  Life IS good!

skip,

7 months nc.  If you had sent this out earlier... .3 and 4's in some areas.  Mostly 0, 1's now.

this sight is definitely a positive factor in my healing and recovery.

I am eternally grateful.

44 today. I will retest in a month and see if I've improved.

He left almost 3 months ago... .I dont think I'm doing any better than that time.

8 down from 25. I'm almost there!

I'm waaaaayyyyy up there... .in the 80's.  Long way to go.  :'(

19. A little surprising because I am usually quite an optimistic person. I attribute much of it to my divorce still ongoing and he was just threatening me yesterday with taking "everything" kids, money, support group, etc from me. I'm still dealing with him being at my house on the weekend to see the kids, so when he is around I'm higher, but when he's been gone a day I get much better. He found out I had a bf and FREAKED. Took my phone and went through it, found his number and started texting and threatening him. Now bf is a little distant because he is a bit of a celebrity where I live and doesn't want any negative attention on him or his kids. Mostly just frustrated right now.

In January after the visit I was like a 96 and had to go to the doctor for meds and sleep, then I found this site on February 11 th, my whole system was thrown into shock by the telephone rages so that I had everything in that list but suicidal stuff or self harm, and  I was putting all my energy into making it to work and getting to work.

Thanks to this website I was able to reclaim my reality and get back on my emotional feet again, I am doing great now, no more tears, just some fears, no more concerns about not knowing how she is, able to break the enmeshment and focus over the last 6 weeks due to no contact and her living in a different city.


Thanks everyone.

Wow. I got 77! I am in trouble

I must be doing better.  Last year, I was an 18, and now I'm a 2.  Three cheers for therapy.  Woohoo!  And also thanks a lot to you guys for helping me get it together.  Thanks!

I scored a 17. Falls in the mild depression area which is a bit surprising but probably situational. I answered in the context of current r/s difficulties. And I am trypically hard on myself - scored a 3 on the "blaming myself" question lol .

I scored 44... .  Most of them were 0, 1 or 2 for me, but the ones that got 3s and 4s were things like being tired (exhausted), interest in sex (none whatsoever lol), motivation and interest in activities (way down from usual) and feeling sad   Seems like I'm in the "moderate depression" range, and yet my bf seems to think he *owns* depression and I can't possibly know what it's like... .  Oh wait, I'm depressed BECAUSE of him:P  I guess it's contagious:P lol

Moderate depression typically means our thinking is skewed - some common problems (that we often don't perceive).

1. All-or-nothing thinking (a.k.a. my brain and the Vatican’s): You look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories.

2. Overgeneralization (also a favorite): You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.

4. Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count (my college diploma was stroke of luck…really, it was).

5. Jumping to conclusions (loves alcoholic families): You conclude things are bad without any definite evidence. These include mind-reading (assuming that people are reacting negatively to you) and fortune-telling (predicting that things will turn out badly).

6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance.

7. Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel: “I feel like an idiot, so I must be one.”

8. “Should” statements (every other word for me): You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds,” “shouldn’ts,” “musts,” “oughts,” and “have-tos.”

9. Labeling: Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself, “I’m a jerk” or “I’m a loser.”

10. Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you contributed to a problem.

From: Burns, David D., MD. 1989. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc.

I got a 58... .not good at all. I am normally a very outgoing, upbeat, take-charge kind of person. But dealing with a SO that has a mental illness is something that I am obviously not equipped for... and it's taking it's toll.

I got a 49, just been 10 days of separation.  I probably would have scored around 30 two days ago  :).

Scored a 54. 

Today, 110 days of separation; H said he didn't think it would have been this long? No end in sight

I am waiting for job offer; decision suppose to been made by today: received my last unemployment check yesterday, uncertain if I'll receive Federal extention. 

Early afternoon, here I am typing away... .need to motivate

Skip, If I had taken this test a couple months ago, The score would have been very high. Today its under 10. I think that the skills, and support I have learned here, have been huge. I also thank the Lord. I suspect there will be days and even moments the the score will vary. 

10.  Very accurate. I am somewhat unhappy, maybe mildly depressed on some days. Yeah, Zoloft!

3 months away from BPD H and I just scored a 9!  I think it will be even lower when I get my divorce!  Will have to look back, but I know I was soo much higher scoring before!  I am on Citalopram, which has not quite kicked in yet, and feeling better and more like JDoe every day!

The fine folks on this site + my friends and family + God's grace have gotten me up out of that pit of oppression!

Love to all,

JDoe

I was at 40 on Jan 19th, 2010!

32.

The first time I left was in mid February but the absolute last time we spoke was about 1.5 weeks ago (?)

When i'm at work I do pretty well because I'm distracted, it's when I get home and I have nothing going on that my mind wanders.  Or when music comes on the radio, I can feel myself just start to slip into this crying jag. 

I started counseling on Friday and have my first real session this friday.  I'm VERY optimistic about counseling and yet I find myself a little weepy over "losing" him from my life.  I know it sounds so ridiculous but the good times are the ones I'm scared to lose.  I have this irrational fear that counseling will work well and I will be so on board the entire thing will be gone... .like it never happened and all that time was just wasted for nothing. 

The times I have overwhelming moments, I don't ever imagine going back to him.  I just imagine talking to him and being held by him, maybe a kiss.  but even in those little fantasies I'm always coming back to my own place and doing my own thing. 

looking forward to the day that I'm under 20... .:)

69... .Wow. Thats way higher than I thought.

See the T on Friday... about time its been over a month!

I never thought I'd feel this!

I got a 27. I know it would have been a lot worse about 2 years ago, so pretty good.Also, at the moment, I'm in the middle of a big upset with my dBPDsis, so probably an exaggerated result to a certain extent.

Doing good :)

Z

I got a 21, yay!  I'm very happy with that!  If I had taken it onyl a few months ago it would have been VERY high!  I'm going to take it from time to time and date it, so I can keep track of my progress.

scored a 12.  Main problems are sleep issues and lack of concentration/staying on task at work.

wow. this is really incredible.

I did it twice. Two weeks ago my score would have been in the 50s

Now it's below 20

which makes me even happier haha

*is so thankful this forum exists and that he was guided here*   xoxo

19... not bad since I told my so where he could stick the bills. Of course this will make my score better in the long run. 

Scored a five today... feeling okay.

C |iiii

Scored a 21 on 7/5, now a 25 today.  It went up a little... .I've found myself crying more than usual... .just out of the blue, something as simple as a song on the radio will bring tears to my eyes.  I even had to fight tears in the gym the other day.  Guess I've got some stuff to work on.

That was from Oct, 2010. Today, I'm a "3". I think three biggest issues I worked on to get me where I am today was breaking the enmeshment, enforcing and protecting my boundaries and taking personal responsibility for my own happiness and well being. And given my BPDw relationship hasn't seen much more progress since last year shows how much I've worked on myself.

My score is 17.  I'm surprised because I expected to score much higher.  I've never been depressed before or felt 'beaten' but over the past few months I have felt like I was run over by a truck.  I haven't been able to function at my job no matter how hard I try.  Now, the good in this is that in the past I have certainly felt overwhelmed but always acted out.  I let me feelings make the life of those around me hell.  This time I am not holding in my feelings, but I am on good behavior.  I think this helps me see where I am lacking whereas in the past I would have been one extreme or another - focusing desperately on positive (while being super-anxious and flaky as all hell) or outrageously angry.  It honestly feels good to be in touch with another feeling.   |iiii

It's all about making changes within ourselves TC. Don't be too hard on yourself over these past few months. You obviously are working on yourself - improving your personal response to situations. This is a difficult task and that in itself can make you feel run over by that truck!

Keep moving forward!  |iiii

24. Would be nice to couple this with the one for stress.  I am not depressed but am pretty high on the stress rating.

79. High score?

39 - Moderate. I'm the residential stepmom to 3 kids who have a uBPD mom.  The 2 oldest kids - both girls - were recently diagnosed with ADHD and borderline tendencies (oldest 13) and Major Depressive Disorder with the possibility of BPD or Bipolar disorder (Middle SD11 pending a full psych eval after she has had 2 failed suicide attempts.).  

This has certainly caused me great stress and feelings of hopelessness.

I'm not surprised by my score at all.

Marlo

56!  Stands to reason, though, because it has been less than 24-hours since I sent the relationship down the plug-hole.  Perhaps ‘relationship’ is not the best word to describe an exposure to BPD.  Whipping post?  Gallows?

12!

On May 29th I was at 32 and made the comment: "can't wait till I'm under a 20". 

I'm feeling really good lately.  The only one's I marked above a 0 or 1 were dealing with guilt and shame.  I'm working through a lot of that in counseling but am finding that every visit to my counselor helps in leaps and bounds. 

My ExBPDSO is supposedly moving to Asia (we live in the US) and has basically left things with me as 'we tried our hardest to work things out but there is nothing for me here and I need to start over'.  (of course he does, he has to run, and boy did he this time... .)  My life is moving forward in a positive direction and I feel like after even more distance and detachment I might be able to get back to my old mental state completely.

13 today!  I really think alot of this has to do with the both of us seeking therapy, and me learning to love myself ALOT more.  I'm also learning to stand up for myself (which requires you to love yourself) and not allow myself to be walked all over.  Overall I feel really good! 

It really makes a huge difference when you begin to realize that there's nothing you can do to help or change them, but there IS something you can do to change yourself :)

I got a 19, which I don't think is too bad.  I could see it being alot higher if I wasn't actively (in my mind at least) fighting against his possessiveness and enmeshment. 

I got about a 10/11, for counting the things I've felt recently. Unlike today, where I've been in pretty good spirits until I started talking to someone about some of the last things my ex and I talked about... .in which it was something that shook me horribly then and still does so

6 months later, my score is a 4!  Whoo Hoo!  Life is great!  So much to be thankful for! :)

 I got a 48. Today is a bad day. I am not thinking of harming myself just trying to move on. It's hard. I don't know what to do with myself most of the day.

4

Fantastic... .only 6 months out but generally I'm a really optimistic person and try not to wallow in self pity. I spent 4 months wallowing, the last 2 months have been about getting ME together and life is mostly great. I must admit today is a particularly good day so I probably average about 10

xx

I scored 63, but I'm not surprised.  I already had PTSD and depression before this relationship, so I wasn't exactly in an ideal spot before.

One thing I always wonder about these surveys is what to do if you weren't terribly interested in some of those things before.  I'm not a particularly sexual person and so I'm not particularly interested in sex when I'm at my best.  Actually, the more depressed I feel, the more interested I get.  I doubt I'm the only one like that.  Also, the items about not enjoying life are somewhat situation-related.  I'm stuck in a house I can barely pay for because my girlfriend abandoned me and the rent.  This house is far away from most things (even the grocery store) and my current job is not very exciting.  I'm in kind of an unpleasant situation that has a lot to do with circumstance rather than just emotion.

I just meditated and went to a yoga class, so I scored 31. I bet if I had taken this test yesterday at the same time the score would have been double! lol

Diotima

I scored a 50 on this test, because my BPDw told me she has been abusive with me, which I totally agree.  Also, she told me that she has been pretending in our marriage, thus invalidating our entire marriage:  our good times, our bad times, and her love.  While she was pretending to love me, she even convinced me that my 2 daughters from my 1st marriage were fake.  In fact, they do have their issues, but they have never been fake, and they do love me as I love them.  The one who has been a fake has been my BPDw.  Lastly, she told me that the reason why she had been intimate with me is because she felt obligated to do so in order to keep me.  While she has been acting this way, I have been totally genuine and happy.  I have never cheated on her or anything like that.  Now, I could care less about her, and I am extremely sad.  Now that I am in the process of grieving, I am looking at my options to be self-sufficient and divorcing her.

My score was a 37... .however it has only been 3 weeks since my wonderful daddy died... .and just under 3 weeks of going NC with my uBPDm... .so more time is needed I know... .

48.

but it's the first time i take the test, perhaps i'm exagerating. I don't know. I'm living on my own, I like it here, it's safe. but it is difficult to shut down my mind.

(I don't know if FM is correct, my mother has BPD, but she denies it)

have a nice evening.

My score was 13  |iiii

I'm 26, and was raised for 9 years by a single BPD mom.  At 16, I think I would have been somewhere around a 50.  I feel VERY good right now, as I have been going to therapy regularly for about 2 months for the first time since '06.  I am able to cope with my anxiety, and I am feeling very motivated to work.  We have been mostly away from each other for about 7 years now, which has been really good for my health.  I still struggle a lot to say "no" to my BPmom, and coming to terms with the loss of a childhood of any kind has been tough.  Still, I have a great life, am married, plan on having kids, and am at the outset of a great professional career.  Life is good :)

I scored a 27 - I guess right up the middle.  Nine months ago when I first started thinking about ending the relationship because I was so worn down - it would have been much higher.  T has helped somewhat and learning to focus on myself has helped a lot more.  I am preparing my house to be sold in the spring market - packing, small repairs, painting, etc.  That process has been cathartic in some ways (although sometimes nostalgic and sad as I get rid of baby clothes, board books and other items that remind me of when my kids were very young).  I wish I could sell it now but several realtors have told me my best bet is the Spring if I can wait . . .  When I research and house hunt in my new location - I start to look forward to my new life.  My BPD is still under my roof so I am sure things will improve over time when I get finality to my situation.  Although we live separate lives - he still manages to engage me at times and that can cause anxiety attacks and the subsequent "hangover" of depression for a few days.

From ‘56’ to ‘20’ in 46 days.  Results distinctly attributable to running on the treadmill one hour per day, and absolutely murdering myself in the weight pit.

Four months out, and I’m feeling as fit as a fiddle.  Two months ago, I never thought that I’d live to see this day…literally!

Hmm, I know I took this awhile back (maybe a month ago or a little less) and got a 31 but I don't see it here. Anyway, I just took it again and got a 23 so I guess something is better.  lol

Diotima

I scored a 1. I am feeling a little tired right now. Not sure if I'm comintg down with something. Everyone in the office has had a cold so maybe it's my turn. Other than that I'm good. I dont' feel any of that!  |iiii

I got 27... .so close to mild.  :) The label depression is one I so tried to resist because it reminds me of my BPDmom... .she blamed her depression and PTSD for all her BPDness.  She also called me depressed every time I was sad and would scream I needed anti-depressants.  Its one that stings.

I didn't have a secondary BPD relationship (well not recently), but I am sure that my depression score has a good deal to do with my being raised by someone with serious BPD.  But I am NC with her and it has been nearly a year, so it isnt direct.  I just started SSRIs for anxiety, I will be interested to see how it goes with the overall mood. 

8.  Of course, part of that is me usually checking somewhat or moderately on everything.   OTOH, I used to score pretty firmly on the happy end.

I'd actually be worried if I didn't score in the unhappy section, given that I'm married to a BPD and am working on a lot of issues.

--Argyle

34 right now. It's strange because I noticed I've been feeling low but it's so different from what I used to call (mild) depression. The usual feeling of despair has been replaced with numbness, I think. It's so much better I didn't really know I could be called depressed.

I scored a 20. Not too surprising as it's before lunch. The mornings still tend to be a little tough for me as I have to wrestle my thoughts away to the present. But the fight is getting easier. I probably would've scored in the "depressed" range over last weekend as it coincides with remembering some of the major events from last year. But since then there are days in which I'd probably score in the unhappy/almost happy range. I can sense that the battle is nearly over. It's like withdrawing from heroin. Mine was the quiet/waify type... .if she had been the kind who was overtly abusive... .yelling, etc., I probably wouldn't have stuck around, but she was a lot like my mom. I'm basically programmed to care for those types and feel guilty when I can't read her mind. Getting past the what if's was difficult for a long time. Wondering if there was any "reasonable" explanation, but now I know it's because of an illness. I know I don't need to be with someone like that long-term and my mind is getting past the warpy thinking and I'm learning to value myself again. I expect I'll be in the happy range before long. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can. It's not taking nearly as much strength to motivate me now as it has.

Hallelujah!  I scored a 2 today!  (moderately discouraged at the snail's pace of my divorce)

What a change!  I am 7 months out of the house from my STBXH, BPD/uNPD.  He is working to delay things and project.  I am very firmly NC, despite his bizarre behavior designed to drag me back in to the pit.

May you all journey towards healing and hope!

Scored 26 today. I think this would vary depending on when I take it! 3 months NC and 4 months since my mother died. A lot of energy went into caring for my mother and a lot of energy went into crazyx--both ended at the same time. In a regrouping process I guess--low grade depression a lot of the time.

Diotima

1st time I ever took this test was long before I even knew about bpdfamily. My Therapist, back in 2001, had me reading Feeling Good and I took the test weekly for awhile.  Back then, during the worst of my depression, I was scoring around the high 70's.

First time I took the test on this board was 8/24/08. - I scored 46.

2nd time I took this test (and posted about it) was 10/26/10. - I scored 60.

Today, my score is 63.

Dammit... .Life has been very hard for the last 10 years. I'm just so exhausted.

turtle

I scored about a 33, maybe less depending on how I am feeling that day.  I have been feeling sad, and have not been considering it depression, although I do use the phrase "I am depressed."

I am the wife of a man who has a BPD ex, and we are involved in custody litigation, and have been for the past year.  They split 5 years ago, we have been together in a serious way for 4 years, and been married for a year. 

I deal very little with BPDex directly; most of my frustration and anger and sadness is about things I hear through the kids and through my husband.  This period has been extremely stressful and I am afraid a lot.  I also feel like BPD ex's dark lens, through which everything and everyone are viewed as evil and wrong and bad and despicable or purely good, sort of rubs off on us.  When we deal with her often, as DH does through court and I do through reading court documents and listening to the kids, it feels like I start to see that way--that something scary and horrible and bad could happen to us, like losing the kids, or having the CPS say DH is a bad parent (mom called CPS on the kids grandma), or like the kids hating their dad or me or both.  The daily feeling of the kids' anger at us for not doing what mom wants us to us so hard.  It shows up in a million ways, lots of little and big temper tantrums about basic parenting issues. Constant bizarre accusations that are impossible to disprove. 

I find myself crying a lot, waking up and dreading my life.  I feel frightened every time BPDex calls our home, or every time DH gets a text from her.  I do not want to know about it, and I want to know about it.  Dreading the every-other week the kids are here... .though I love and often really enjoy the kids, there is always some really ugly stuff that happens, and I feel critical of how I handle it. 

I injured myself recently by falling while on a walk, and that has made me feel more powerless and helpless, and provided less ability to exercise and do other things that make me feel better.  I have gained about 40 pounds in the 4 years I have been with DH (I also am 42, and was in the best shape of my life when we met an probably a little underweight, so this is partly just normal metabolism stuff, that just calls for a change in diet and more exercise--but when will I get to do that?).  I feel like stress has impacted my immune system, and I get sick more often than I ever have, though I am pretty healthy, still.  But I fear that I am stuck in a downward spiral.  I am getting older and this stuff is getting harder, and I am in this very stressful situation. 

I keep making efforts to set various boundaries, but while we are in this legal process, it feels wrong to really pull back, and my DH is just too stressed to consistently honor the changes he agrees to make.  So it feels like it is time to just hang in there, through the process of healing from my injury, through the process of the legal issue, and then to look and see where I stand.  Sometimes life is hard, and it is not depression, but just a lot of emotional distress and stress for which I have no clear solution, over a long period.  I see various therapists occasionally... .my therapist of many years died two years ago, and I have been seeing a child psychologist for help with parenting and just to deal with my role with the kids; DH and I have a couples counselor we see from time to time who is great; but I have not found someone for me, nor could I afford it right now.  I used to meditate, but have been doing it lately.  I am sort of tired of trying to make things better and am just feeling it and wallowing in it a bit right now. 

So, that is my 33. 

Today is a 15 - better than a few weeks ago.  :)

I joined a social club of all women so I can pursue some "me" time in a supportive atmosphere - sort of like girl scouts for 40 year olds.  I think putting myself out there has helped - I am looking forward to making new friendships, finding things I enjoy and start enjoying life again.  T has helped.  This site has been good for gettting out the garbage - so many ugly incidents I needed to admit my role in and cast away (thanks for listening guys!) and I've learned good self-care skills here which I actually never knew existed.  I came here so scarred and damaged in a relationship and I came away with more than I expected.  I still have a of work to do but at least now I am focused on me and I can see where I want my life to go.

51.  But I am not suicidal. 

If my dd were to get mentally well - at least somewhat and then if she started taking the meds she needed for a physical illness- so as to get physically improved and if she were to LEAVE BEHIND her exploitive male partner and if she rejoined our nuclear family and was her old self at least to a good degree... .I would be near 0.

I am worn out- tired - exhausted- griefstricken and so much that has taken me to the 51. 

I was told once by a T that he did not know where I ended and my dd began... .that I was so enmeshed in my trying to save her and guilt for not being able to reach her- and so on and so forth... .

Last year I might have been a 44 and the year before maybe in the 30's.  I feel myself each year as dd worsens - getting more and more depressed.  It's terrible. And I cannot tolerate meds... .

My dd is down a well- and as she drops herself lower and lower - I seem to drop with her.  I often feel inconsolable. 

If she was a sister or a parent I would be doing way better- fine actually because my FOO  - I don't have anything to do with them- or very LC... .and I feel PEACE with that.

But children... .and my only child at that- well it is different.  If it was my dh too that was trouble- like if we split- I would survive... .learn to  survive. 

But my child... .it is too much to have her so physically ill and mentally ill and she is there in her bedridden body but someone else lives in her withering body.  A child - an adult child who the law say - she is an adult and she is allowed to make poor choices... .even if it means eventually the death of her.  They won't intervene- I have tried everything.  It is her legal right... .Rights trump saving lives.  I can't accept the laws- that leave me helpless to save my child.  So maybe it is two things that are breaking me down... .my child being "gone" and the laws that are like tall walls I cannot get past. 

Too much... .just too much to accept.   

Anyway- 51.

wtsp

4! I've been working through my list of stressful things and doing what I can and then one of my biggest stressors just decided very suddenly that it was time to leave the country. Looking back I'm really not sure how she managed to freak me out so much. She's not even gone yet. She's supposedly leaving today... .or was it tomorrow. Got two different stories out of her as usual. I still feel better. Even if she changes her mind on leaving (which I'm not sure she could, it sounds like she's being deported not that she'd admit to that), our business is concluded and I'm free to disappear now.

10!

July 31st it was a 12 and I guess I'm a little sad that I only went down 2 points in all that time BUT: all but one of them that had any value over 0 were about sleep patterns and interest in sex.  Overall I feel absolutely phenomenal and some of the sleeping issues may be due to my bed honestly.  I'm just going to be happy the number is going DOWN and continue to appreciate and enjoy how positive my life is going!  Last night I got the opportunity to host comedy and open for a celebrity comedian and It was an INCREDIBLE honor! 

I tested at 44 on March 15th... .today it's 38. Not much of an improvment, but at least the number is going DOWN.

61. That's depressing

What a difference sometime makes. I am a 27 today. Still depressed a little, but I feel much much better. It only gets better from here.

I scored 65    4 weeks out for me... only 5 days n/c... .my self esteem is on the floor! Doing college though and being brave for my son!

i just feel in a limbo... just wandering what she is doing!

59?  I admit I'm still grieving a bit about fur-baby's death 2 months ago - so that's factoring in a lot to the loss of interest in a lot of things, lack of sleep an so on. 

I just got a 4!

I am ecstatic!

Earlier this month 10/7 I was at a 10 and I am feeling that much better.

I honestly attribute it to some serious closure I had with the Ex UBPD So, where he actually honest owned up to a lot of his behaviors, and has actually been working in counseling on his issues.  It seems like it was a big step I needed. 

He still creeps into my thoughts, but a lot of my anger is gone and i've replaced it with acceptance and forgiveness.  I can't forget though, and ain't that the kicker? 

I cannot say enough how helpful this place has been and continues to be when I feel like I've fallen off the wagon. 

Thank you all.  what a serious blessing! :)

0

Man I really had no idea how much PDed ex-roommate still having some control over my space was affecting me. Five weeks ago I'd been blaming work for stressing me out, until I made a list of stressors and it was like "work" and then 20 other things not related to work. Hmmm. Confirmed now, because I'm still working (it's Monday morning even) and I feel fine. I guess work is just the most socially acceptable thing to say is causing you stress. It sounds ridiculous to say "my exroommate left some stuff here and I changed the locks and she also left a large damage deposit but I'm still really scared about what she might do". But it was the truth. In the end there were enough shiny objects around when circumstances demanded letting me go that I was spared. One month out and life is good. I am way less anxious in general too. :)

56 :|

I scored 64... .

No, I don't want to end my life... .

And, no, this does not have to do with my past relationship with pwBPD traits... .

It has everything to do with me and how I handle difficulty and rejection... .

My work is suffering... .

My life is suffering... .

Because, I internalize my hurts... .

I beat myself up... .

I so want the dark cloud to go away... .

But, I guess I have to truly want it to go away... .

It's a choice... .

Do I follow the path filled with light?

Or, do I follow the path that is doom and gloom and filled with dark?

Took the test today and scored a 36!  YAY!  I'm coming out of the cloud!

turtle

Wow its amazing what some time can do. I scored a 14 today. If I had taken it the other day I would have scored much higher. I see that I am improving, and I think about her less. Working on myself and not being codependent on her are really helping.

Okay- wow- 1 month made a difference. Today I am at 25- pretty sure it's the SAM-e I started taking. Or it could be a rare, incredibly good mood... .either way- this is good!

Scored a 17 on May 20th. In retrospect I am surprised it wasn't higher given what was occurring at that time. It was May 19th that the pain in my shoulder, arm & back started. Turned out I had a pinched nerve which took a good 3 months to heal. Might have been a blessing as I had to focus on my own health during that time.

Scored a 1 today! And this even as we are going through yet another of our episodes! Progress?

I found it ironic too that it is almost exactly 6 months to the day that I decided to re-take this assessment.

25 - upper scale of 'mildly depressed'

Not surprising after escaping a forty-year toxic marriage with my uPAPDexh;  almost six months solo now and just loving being on my own.  Still lots of ruminating and anger, plus the anxiety of what will be a conflict-ridden property settlement with exh dominating the scenario thru holding all financials and income.

Retirement was supposed tranquil and relaxed  lol ~ it's anything but! However, I am determined to work through my own issues (enabling) and eventually be able to fully engage in the joy of life.

Including question 18 and moving from a current 4 to a zero! 

5!  Woohoo!  I recently started a hormone treatment and within days all my "depressed" and "anxious" symptoms were just gone.  I have been working on these in T with not much progress for two years and bam!  Sometimes it really is more of a physical problem. 

Up to 14.  But, well, I've always oscillated between about 2 and 16ish.  And, by always, I mean... .definitely over the last 25 years or so.  Seems to be a family trait.  Generically speaking, my life's actually pretty good right now - just feeling down.  Maybe more exercise would help.

--Argyle

8/24/08  19

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

4/2/10    7

9/9/10    4

1/3/11    7

12/16/11 13 (Some very bad news recently, and the impending holidays.)

Well, I thought I'd try this out today. In the past, it has always been in the 20s and 30s. Today it was 12 give or take a point either way. This is a big improvement IMHO. We'll see what the morrow brings.

Diotima

Hmmmmmm.  I scored 56.  Not so good.     And here, I thought I was doing so much better!  Kinda discouraging.  However, I need to point out two things:  a) I gave myself a score of 5 in two places b/c my answer was more extreme than a measly 4.  and  b) I've really just now gotten a clear understanding of what my soon-to-be-ex uBPDh's problem is.  I've spent my entire adult life (all the time I've been married to him) trying to figure it out.  Having only done that, thoroughly and completely, in the last week or two, I guess my depression is not so surprising. 

Other things i can confess here include the fact that I've been diagnosed with Major Depression, in partial remission for years.  More than likely, I've been officially Depressed since I was 15.  I've been (on and off) meds since my early 30s.  Done much work in CBT (yay!) and have occasionally  been able to live med free, thanks to it.  Taking 5-HTTP or whatever it is called, now, and that gives me a feeling of power which is scary, but fun.  Other factors:  My mom died 10 months ago, and I'm in a work situation where I am not making the $$ I was promised, and my boss is the most non-strategic man I think I've ever known.  No chance of change there... .so it's frustrating and de-motivating.  But, at least I have a job. . .

I have spent the majority of my life making do (except for my phenomenal kids!) so I guess it makes sense that I'm depressed.  I'm looking forwrd to the last third of my life - finally being able to tbe ME! :)

I scored a 56, which is actually better at this point than I was expecting, so I will work on things from here.

I am a 13, but assigned myself 1 point for things that maybe should've been a zero? Like, I'm not really worried about my health, but of course at 50 I question if there are things that I should be doing to stave off age-related deterioration.

M

Wow, I'm amazed at the difference in my score over just a matter of six weeks:

22 Nov - 25

30 Dec -   8

What a great improvement to bring into the new year   and continue the path to healing in 2012.

A huge part of the improvement was finding this site and all the reading I've been doing on PDs;  understanding/accepting the destructive traits of this horrible mental illness and being able to lose a lot of the anger and replacing it with pity/compassion towards my exh living his life with such a debilitating and all-encompassing noxious mental disorder.

There are some things that I will never be able to forgive.   I have 'given myself permission' to let the unforgivable remain as such but now, through working on myself, these come to the surface without the previous trigger of extreme anger/disgust.

Will certainly   and share a glass in celebration with me, myself and I!

I am 2 weeks removed from my uBPDxgf. I scored 67 today. It might have been higher a few days ago. THat is hopeful!

2... .admittedly I'm taking a bit of St. John's Wort. It really does seem to help.

--Argyle

It's been 2 weeks, and I have gone from a 56 to a 65... .

I scored at 42 its been a bad few days, a few years ago I would have answered a Zero to most of those questions I answered a score with all but one.

About 6 weeks after making some significant changes, I scored a 10. I'm quite pleased with myself.

I already knew I was really depressed, but I scored a 69. I have been living this way for 15 years and I hope I finally get some help, as I feel like its my last chance before I go completely insane. I am in the process of finding a therapist. I sometimes wonder how I have made it so far, but I just keep going. More out of fear of the unknown than anything else. Is anyone else severely depressed right now, too?

Currently a 12, which is an improvement from the past. Some things are looking up.

I'm plowing forth, formulating plans and looking to new things. It's just the situation which, well, stinks.

Mar 2011- 44

Oct 2011- 38

Nov 2011- 25

Feb 2012- 20

What a difference a year makes.

hi all,

I scored 42, so lets see how I do from here onwards... .

I scored a 54. Ugh.

I first came to this board in November 2011. I've been NC with my uBPD dad for over 3.5 years. My depression is a combination of issues re: my dad/childhood and the fact that I've been unemployed for 6 months.

I have no desire to self harm. I do feel pretty ashamed and worthless. I'm really angry. In general I feel really stuck.

I want to share something with the men here, based upon my experience. If you are over 35 (give or take) and have some ongoing depression issues, it might be beneficial to dig a little deeper into why you are this way.

In the last several years of my marriage to my stbxw, I began to experience classic depression symptoms. I did not take action until I was separated. The doctor ordered blood work done, which came back normal. He was quick to prescribe an anti-depressant.

Not really satisfied with how quickly he wanted to put me on the drugs, I began to do my own research, and quite comprehensively at that. Men go through a menopause themselves as they age, but it takes up to 20 years in contrast with women, who go through it quickly in comparison. Testosterone decreases and estrogen increases. It is a natural occurrence, but can be hastened by negative life events, such as being married to a woman with BPD.

Low T can cause depression symptoms, but normal blood screening for men only measure Total testosterone, which can be deceptive. For example, my Total T was high-normal, and my doc said that was all he needed to determine it wasn't a T problem. I went to another doc that ordered a Free T test, and lo and behold, it was pretty low. Low Free T and normal Total T means excessive SHBG (Sex Hormone Binding Globulins), which binds Free T, making them no longer Free. Free T is the one to be primarily concerned with.

Long story short, hormonal imbalance can be the culprit behind the depression. There are also many other risks of low T, including heart disease and strokes. Sexual dysfunction is also a symptom.

An endocrinologist might be worth paying a visit to before you decide to take that anti-depressant.

24 but today is a really bad day, as I am ill with flu and feeling VERY sorry for myself!  I will try again in a week... .

wow... .this is the second time in a week I've gotten a 78 on this... .

Wow!  What a difference 3 weeks can make!  Today I scored 9, as oppose to my previous 24!

I have made my decision and have worked on moving on with my life.  I'd imagine my score would not be so drastically different, if I was still in the same day to day situation I was in a couple of months ago. 

I must admit, there was a point I felt like I would never feel happy again, and was the lowest I have felt for many years.  It just goes to show that we are stronger than we think, and that time does heal. 

I hope that this will give people who feel like I did a few weeks ago, hope.

|iiii

Looks like 3 months later, I am still at 69. Its weird how I came up with the exact same number, I didn't even remember what I got until I re read my post after I had re taken the test. Anyways, I am waiting for a state funded program to allow me to see a therapist and get medication. I had a psychological evaluation to be accepted into the program  a week ago and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

It was weird being "evaluated", but I did take what was clearly a personality disorder test, too. Passed that one and was greatly disturbed by the kinds of questions during the over 300 questions in the test book. Then, the psychologist talked to me for a bit. He seemed to think I was this outgoing, ambitious, young woman who was just in a bad situation... .all because I had traveled to a few countries by myself at some point. I thought that was a little ridiculous. Why are there so many quack shrinks that I have met? They seem to not have a clue about what I am all about. They take one look at me and my education and life experiences, and its like, "Why would you be depressed, bigblue?" At least they all recognize that I am intelligent. That always comes up. "Wow, you seem so intelligent... .tell me again why you are unemployed and supported by your mother that you hate and abuses you?"

I need therapy and I need medication. I'm a mess.

This state funded program could take up to 6 months to go through. In the mean time... .I am trying to keep myself together. How discouraging to read all of this and realize I am just sitting here, rotting away, and wasting my beautiful life. I cannot even appreciate anything anymore. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Still can't/don't want to kill myself. But, sometimes I wish I could. I wish I was dead, with no more stress. This stress is killing me, literally. I have been in constant "fight or flight" mode for YEARS. It KILLS BRAIN CELLS FOR GODSAKES! I am so confused and unable to think clearly right now. I hope I have a better update in another few months.

18 today.

Back in October I was a 10 and then a 4. 

I would be more upset by it but I know it's more to do with my mother's health than anything.  she has decided not to undergo chemo anymore and has signed up with hospice services.  It seems to sort of overshadow everything in my life, and then there have been some small set backs at work and my car broke.  I know I can get back to that 4 eventually, just taking it one day at a time...

I didn't think it would ever happen, but I'm a 0 now. :) (Voted moderate depression in the poll.)

48 (averaged my feelings/ thoughts from the last 2 weeks).

Much better than 78- (or the 83 I got only 5 weeks ago, and didn't post) I highly recommend the mood gym site. :)

56.  Not good.

But just the list of questions has made a focus.

This is not me; this is depression.  This is not about the actual day-to-day problems I'm facing; this is depression.

That's nice to know.  Like I was saying to a friend today "I just have no emotional stability any more; I watch my reactions to things and think  - who is this?  Some 4-year-old?".

Called a therapist I used to work with; got that St John's Wort out of the cupboard!

Mar 2011- 44

Oct 2011- 38

Nov 2011- 25

Feb 2012- 20

May 2012- 15

I started an antidepressant that seems to work really well for me. The cloud has been lifted enough so I can work on those self-soothing techniques. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be- still overeating to compensate for negative feelings, but working on this.

This is proof that things indeed DO get better- I thought I would feel horrible forever, but in the last month, things have shifted. I am 1 year NC, 17 months out.

Okay, now 3 more months later. Today, I am scoring a 56, which is better than before. I am more bored outta my mind than anything. I recently tried taking an SSRI for depression and anxiety and I ended up having horrible (rare) side effects including fainting. So my doctor told me to stop taking it. I did. Basically have ended the idea of using SSRI's because of all of my horrible experiences with multiple different ones over the years. Then, I got a new doctor. He allowed me to take alprazolam, which helps great with the anxiety... .the depression, not so much. My feeling now is that a lot of this depression is situational. When I get isolated and have no support system or some sort of stress happens... .I cannot handle it and the depression turns on. Story of my life for over 15 years! I need some support! Unfortunately, that does not happen over night and I feel I will be alone and without support for a long time. : (

Took this test today and scored a 26.  This is the lowest ever for me.  Depression has been a pervasive problem in my life for the last 11 years and I'm thrilled that I've finally turned a corner.

turtle

17.  Highest scores come from overeating and health concerns.  Zero to all self-harm questions.  No matter how violent and scary crazy ex got, nothing could ever push me that far.

Also feel anger issues are not properly addressed in the test.  I'm angry almost daily that he continues to paint me black in our mutual workplace.  Add 10 points to my score for having to practically bite my tongue off every time it becomes clear to me that he's done it again.  I hate the high road.  It's cold and lonely up here... .

To day I am at 40.

Ugh. 70. In general I think I'm resilient and not too prone to depression, but I just had a setback. 18 months out of the r/s, 6 months divorced, one S10.

It's encouraging to see that other nons here get past depression. I sometimes wonder if having kids with your ex makes depression drag out, but I'm not far enough along in my own healing to feel optimistic. Maybe in a month I'll check back and see if my score improves.

I am 68 on depression test. I feel hopeless. Now that I am certain my loved one is BPD, I can't see any way out of this, because she won't get help. I can't hold her up anymore. I just want to stay in bed.

Aida

About a month later I am at 43. Guess the anti anxiety meds are doing some work. Also started therapy. Still feeling lost, alone, and like my life has hit a brick wall. And trying to deal with acceptance and forgiveness. This all takes time, but slowly it feels like it will get better. Today was a sad day (a holiday normally shared with friends and family), looking back on the past, mourning it. Then trying to think about the present, hating it. Then thinking about the future, fearing it. Taking little steps and trying not to be too hard on myself. The present is where we are supposed to be thinking, in our minds, supposedly. But how can you be satisfied in the present when everything presently sucks? Still here, still trying. Haven't given up yet.

I am a 16 have some anxieties about the future but I am okay for now. 

7/15/12: 20 (divorce ended five days ago.  Now on to the restraining order and trying not to be arrested doing so).

I scored 74, and I feel it  :'(

dancinginthedark, you inspired me to review the history of my depression.  I wrote my first depression timeline on here in 2009 and it was helpful for me to put myself 'back in time' and do this test at periods in my life.  

Age 17 - 51    Living in a chaotic hell of warring uPD parents (emotional abuse/neglect/no support) / Body Dysmorphic Disorder at its worst

Age 19 - 36    Out of uPD parents chaotic hell for 1 year.  Heavy binge drinking / uBody Dysmorphic Disorder / Very poor understanding of intimate relationships / relationship addict

Age 25 - 23  Self-esteem and some acceptance through meaningful work, sporadic college classes, friends, and gfs.  Had read and understood 'Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.  Still binge drinking / uBody Dysmorphic Disorder / Poor understanding of intimate relationships

Age (26-30) - (4-7)  Took 1 year to focus self (age 26) with no dating (bcs I realized I was acting as a r/s addict).  Consciously worked on controlling my drinking.  Focused efforts on work and finishing my degree.  At 28, attained a career position in work that was both rewarding and something that was a natural fit for my personality.  

Age 31 - 4   Bought first home.  Finances excellent.  Organized in most aspects of life.  Good friendships.  Relationships with family all non-dramatic and not unhealthy.  :)rinking mostly controlled.  BDD symptoms mostly under control.  Chose wrong partner (Waif uBPD) and asked her to marry me.  Still not understanding of healthy relationships.  

Age 32 - 73   5 months after sister's suicide (Life #2 starts here)  Had tried to focus on work, and didn't know how to grieve the loss.  Bought 2nd home with fiancee 3 months after sister's suicide.  Fiancee told me 'Shouldn't you be getting over this by now ?'  Put on administrative leave 5 months after sister's suicide bcs I had my only severe and debilitating panic attack/dissociate episode.  

Age 32 - 76   9 months after sister's suicide.  Forced out of my career position due to major depression / PTSD and trying 3 different anti-depressants, 2 of which made it drastically worse.  Ignorantly signed a waiver so my boss could talk to my psychiatrist.  This allowed them to both take on false views of my major depression, and led to me being forced out (I resigned with the 'Human Resources Director's' statement 'Either you resign or you will be terminated'.

Age 33 - 55   Ran my first marathon (in my sister's honor) and was in the best physical shape of my life (well, at least since high school :). Thought that this would get me in the state of mind that I could 'conquer anything'. Distrust of mental health care professionals (due to the psychiatrist mentioned above).  Lost 2 homes due to loss of career and major depression / PTSD.  Lost financial stability.    Met uNPD sociopath in my most vulnerable state.  :)iscovered this site, read 'Understanding the Borderline Mother', and first understood the impact of my mother on our entire family.  

Age 34 - 85   (December during coming out of the FOG of relationship with uNPD sociopath and having moved  back in with uBPDm and uNPD workaholic/alcoholic dad to 'get back on my feet', to 'fix' my FOO relationships with uPD parents  :), and to 'rescue' my father from his health issues by taking over some farm operations - dumbest decision of my life)  I checked myself into a hospital when I was driving back from checking on the sociopath one night (who was cheating on me) after Christmas.  I thought a couple of times about pulling the wheel of my Jeep into a bridge imbunkment while alternating between anger and crying uncontrollably.  I stayed at the hospital for my 3 day evaluation, and checking myself in there was one of the better decisions I ever made to care for myself.

Age (34-37) - (50-70) 3 of 4 of my grandparents died in a one year span (age 35).  Moved out of parents house after 18 months of re-visiting hell - still the worst judgement I ever had to move back in with them when I had other options.  Started dating my current fiancee.  She and her son moved in with me after about a year or so of dating.  :)oing contract work and still working with my father.  LC with my mother, and beginning acceptance that she will not change and I cannot 'fix' her.  

Age 38 - (34)  (excerpted from this thread)
Age 38 (5 days later) - (23) - (excerpted from this thread)
Age 39 - (21) - (excerpted from this thread)
Age 40 - (19)  Acceptance of my 'whole self' has brought such relief to my life.  My discovery of radical acceptance (of things outside myself) 2 years ago laid the foundation for me to become soft within, accepting of myself good and bad, and not defensive of anything.  The reason that I'm still mildly depressed - I have been unable to follow through with marriage 2 years in a row with my fiancee (6 year r/s).  I'm much less harsh in judgements of myself, but this is a difficult issue bcs it goes back to FOO again, which I thought I had buried.  I've hurt my fiancee with this and I fear that we may not make it.  This is cause for further depression because of not only the possible loss of our relationship, but that it would cause trauma for her/our 8 year old son.  

Just as I felt much relief 2 years ago with radical acceptance of external things, this accepting of my 'whole self' has brought the same kind of relief.  I feel that moving forward I'm much more equipped to accept my emotions.  I can live with them now instead of feeling like I'm 'hanging on'.  So wherever my depression level goes from here, I have the tools to feel relief.  

NewPhoenixRising,

I was very moved by the  timeline of your life. I would like to do the same, and I will, but I first want to say that you are a kind and gentle soul. It sounds like you survived a very difficult childhood, with parents who were just not--able. I'm sure they loved you the best way they knew how, but it still does not excuse the damage they caused.

I, too, am a surviver of my sister's suicide. Thirteen years ago she hanged herself. I grew up in a very affluent area where my sister's mental illness was shhhhhhhhhhhh, most of the time. My father is a judge, and I believe there was a reputation to keep when, really, there should have been an invervention.

I have been in therapy for about ten months, as I finally had to open the curtain and acknowledge the dysfunction of my family. I truly believed that my family was normal, my parents were perfect, and my sister's issues were all her own--and mine, because I blamed myself. I family was big but I was closest to her, and a week before she hanged herself, she called me and told me it would be my fault because I was not there for her enough. A few days before th suicide, she called to apologize and told me I was her dearest sister. I couldn't remember that call of forgiveness until it came up in therapy. All I could think of was her telling me that she was a bloodied animal in the road, and I was just driving right past her. My therapist helped me see that I did not have to pack around that heavy load of guilt and then her last call to me surfaced.

I still suffer. I still deal with major depression and anxiety, and it has been a long and painful journey.

When I read your lifestory, and realized the impetus was to touch souls with dancinginthedark, If these deep gratitude, that I am allowed to share in your gentle love and leap of faith that sharing your story might help another. I think it might have been cathartic to write it all down. What do you think?

Can you share how it felt to write details of your journey, here on the board?

A kindred spirit,

Aida

Thanks for your kind words Aida.  I'm sorry your sister completed suicide also     So difficult.  

I do hope others including dancinginthedark can see by my timeline that major depression is temporary.  It also helps me to write it out like that so I can be less harsh in judgements of myself.  I feel like I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to during those years following my sister's suicide, and it's helpful to see all that I as dealing with at the time.  The trauma and healing process got quite complicated during that time, and it helps to see why it took so long.

I'll be looking forward to viewing your post here also  |iiii

Mar 2011- 44

Oct 2011- 38

Nov 2011- 25

Feb 2012- 20

May 2012- 15

July 2012- 6

Wow! Not 100% by any means, but doing MUCH better. I am 19 months out.

69.

No, that's not a sexual reference.  In fact, sex, one of my favorite things is now a trigger for me.  I just think about how I'm not getting it and how the girl I love is probably getting banged by a different guy every night.

Almost 2 weeks into yet another silent treatment with uBPDgf.  Don't know if we are even in a relationship anymore.  Nothing was ever discussed.  She just says she needs space.

0= Not at all        1=Somewhat        2=Moderately        3=A lot        4=Extremely        

4 Feeling sad or down in the dumps?

4 Feeling unhappy or blue?

1 Crying spells or tearfulness?

4 Feeling discouraged?

3 Feeling hopeless?

4 Low self esteem?

4 Feeling worthless or inadequate?

4 Guilt or shame?

3 Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?

4 Difficulty making decisions?

4 Loss of interest in family or friends?

4 Loss of motivation?

4 Loss of interest in work or other activities?

4 Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?

4 Feeling tired?

4 Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?

3 Decreased or increased appetite?

3 Loss of interest in sex?

3 Worry about your health?

2 Do you have any suicidal thoughts?

1 Would you like to end of life?

0 Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

Total: 71. Yikes.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm on antidepressants and I see T once or twice a week, and he is fantastic. Why do I still feel this way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

45, down from 70.

4 Feeling sad or down in the dumps?

4 Feeling unhappy or blue?

1 Crying spells or tearfulness?

2 Feeling discouraged?

3 Feeling hopeless?

2 Low self esteem?

1 Feeling worthless or inadequate?

1 Guilt or shame?

2 Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?

1 Difficulty making decisions?

4 Loss of interest in family or friends?

2 Loss of motivation?

1 Loss of interest in work or other activities?

1 Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?

4 Feeling tired?

4 Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?

4 Decreased or increased appetite?

4 Loss of interest in sex?

4 Worry about your health?

0 Do you have any suicidal thoughts?

0 Would you like to end of life?

0 Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

I thought I'd check back in after doing this over a month ago. I had a setback June 16 and wanted to see if some time would help the healing, and it did, but the setback triggered a bad experience with my family  :'( I can see the direct line between the r/s with my father and marrying N/BPDxh. 

I'm also in a Phd program and work full-time, and have my S11, and live far from my closest, dearest friends. I'm trying to build my support network close by, and need to get back to exercising again with S11 after falling out of the routine 6 weeks ago. S11 is now with me 24/7 while we are in a custody dispute, which is good because he is not with N/BPDxh. But it also means there is no downtime for me to get much schoolwork done. Big things keep falling through the cracks and I feel so weary from it all. I keep oversleeping and there are days I don't leave the house when I'm working from home.

Things that are good:

My son. I love him so much my heart bursts. He is funny, bright, interesting, and curious about everything. And he is doing so well these days.

My coworkers and boss. They are awesome and so supportive. Everyone has a good sense of humor.

My friends. I have the most amazing, loving, wonderful, funny, wise friends.

My lawyer. She tries to save me money and respects me, and despite how anxious and worried I feel, I think she is doing a good job.

My job. I love what I do. It's never dull and I'm good at what I do.

My home, even though it's rented. It's in a safe neighborhood and it's a nice place.

My health is okay. I lost a lot of weight and am trying to eat healthy and get regular exercise.

I have a custody hearing on August 29 and I am hopeful that things will get better after that. I will be broke from the legal bills and tuition, so that's unfortunate. But by then I hope to have more information, maybe even more certainty, about what's happening with custody.

I got 39 on this. I guess I will check back in about a month.

Just scored a 45 which puts me right there in the middle of the mix. I don't think of myself as depressed, but I know things are not right in my primary relationship which is very depressing after all it's been through.

i got a 43, moderately depressed ... .

I've been away from these boards for a LONG time, and came back tonight after feeling a bit lost.

Tonight my score was a 42.   I've taken this test before and usually scored around 20.  Thinking about trying an antidepressant, but I'm afraid that they won't work after trying them 2 years ago. 

40, which is down from 73 a couple months ago. progress :)

44 this time. Makes sense given unrelated stressors lately, I'll try back again sometime soon.

81 wow can't imagine it could get worse.  I even went back to see if I could change some of my answers.

12/10/12: 12 (Still incurring legal fees trying to enforce settlement; still getting false allegations from opposing attorney; recent success with IRS going after ex more effectively and inexpensively than court could do for me; more battles ahead, but no longer as deep in the judicial system that does nothing about abuse and criminality.  Somewhat confident about community perceptions now and battles to come)

I scored 33, then took the test again and scored 32. The thing that's confusing is that I'm in Therapy and the Therapist said I don't come over as someone with depression and we discussed the Triangle of depression and I think that we all have a buffer inside ourselves and sometimes this gives up. I can score quite highly a lot of the time but for me I believe in the future and I have a strong sense of self worth, I guess this is overriding the feeling of depression I get because when my mood is down then my feelings of self worth kick in and then  the future clears before my eyes and hope returns, I guess I've placed my hope in the wrong place in the past, it should of been in me and the future.

My score is 43.  But where does that put me?

I don't remember my score being that high last time.

Took the test and scored 51... .I know that I am "depressed"... .I took anti-depressants before after losing a son to stillbirth; I had been depressed two years before I would take them... .I waited far too long... .

and I have considered anti-depressants again but really believe that they might make matters worse for me in this situation if I "feel better" and have more energy... .I would probably plan on leaving and I don't have the resources available to me to do that at this time... .I am just "stuck" right now... .

in the past 15 months:

I had JUST relocated 5 months prior; resigned from job, gave up insurance and real life support

My mom passed away from cancer Sept 2011

BPD was suspected of SO and MASSIVE dyregulations from mid Nov-March

PEAK of trying to get BPD help May- June

Seeing that my "dream come true" had turned into my worst nightmare with SO

Started working on me and started counseling in August.

Year anniversary of mom's passing. She was wonderful. I miss her badly.

Continued acceptance of SEVERITY of BPD with SO... .feeling STUCK

Dad passed away (Dec.), eulogized and sang their "song" for them and family

Son has pink eye now... .and we have to miss school's Christmas Party today that I had helped set up for; was ready to bake tea breads and lemon bars for bake sale and help with other set up and assistance AT the party and we can't even go.

Christmas is around the corner, SO has had another major "financial crisis" and there is NOTHING planned for the holidays and my son is with us. I sing and haven't been involved in music this whole time as well... .it was a great outlet/focus for me... .I miss it greatly.

YEP... .I have lots of reasons and I am working on me and changing what I can; expecting LESS of myself and SO and setting boundaries (like saying no) when his demands/expectations are encroaching upon my life... .I am reading some BPD books, books on "mindfulness" and trying to take care of myself... .

49 - recently stopped antidepressants and kind of feel like I'm reliving the pain I've gone through for the past year and a half, just at a lower intensity.

I scored 59.

I need to heal.

me = 42, isn't that the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything?  Hey things aren't as bad as I thought, if I'm the answer to everything, then I must be pretty important!  :)

I'm getting my sense of humor back.  :)

8/24/08  19

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

4/2/10    7

9/9/10    4

1/3/11    7

12/16/11 13 (Some very bad news recently, and the impending holidays.)

9/14/13   8

40.

Its like a walking depression. I keep  busy, exercise, eat right most of the time. But stbxh drained all my self worth, thoughts , identity.

I was so controlled its hard to make decisions. I have extreme self doubt.

I am still going through the divorce process and even with a high score I am so much better than I was one year ago.

09/15/13 - I scored a 58 - severe range.

Not terribly surprised. I realize that I've been suppressing or downplaying my emotions for much of my life. I have hope and that keeps me moving forward. I'm doing my best to feel these emotions and observe them. It's hard for me to focus on things for any extended period of time. Lots of ruminating thoughts over my ex. When I'm more constructive, it goes to core issues. I'll try and remember to take this again at a later date.

deretour

oh. 65

I ended the marriage, my choice but doesn't mean I wont be upset.

I've been told this is the toughest period, and boy is it, i'm feeling very low

Been screwed over in jobs and other ways so much this year, really feel like i'm losing everything and the plot.  :'(

From 70, to 45. Now down to 18.

1 Feeling sad or down in the dumps?

0 Feeling unhappy or blue?

0 Crying spells or tearfulness?

1 Feeling discouraged?

0 Feeling hopeless?

1 Low self esteem?

2 Feeling worthless or inadequate?

1 Guilt or shame?

2 Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?

2 Difficulty making decisions?

1 Loss of interest in family or friends?

1 Loss of motivation?

1 Loss of interest in work or other activities?

1 Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?

1 Feeling tired?

1 Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?

1 Decreased or increased appetite?

0 Loss of interest in sex?

1 Worry about your health?

0 Do you have any suicidal thoughts?

0 Would you like to end of life?

0 Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

Headed in the right direction. I do feel overwhelmed with life, though.

Yikes 70... .been struggling with depression since I was 8.

It's been my plan to deal with it this year... .been a long time coming.

18 now 2 weeks after the relationship...

Was 34 about a month ago when i was with the BPDexgf...

Wow

59. No matter how much I un-surface, talk about, address or change in my life, core issues come back to haunt me. I realized recently part of me still  doesn't want to live; the work is so much more than reward  :'(.

My next steps:

1) T asked to write down why I am not "OK" so I can learn to feel OK. Although I've done this type of exercise many times before, I am here again.

2) Accept my self-love battle will remain indefinitely and figure out how to live OK with it instead of convince myself it's finished.

3) Don't forget... . if I can't win my self-love battle or keep trying, not sure how I could expect my parents or my ex too (or my kids if they struggle too). Gotta stay focused on loving myself and watch out for my 'fake outs'. It takes everything I've got. If I win, it's the best gift for me and my kids.

I scored a 27. Not surprised that I am mildly depressed. I feel stuck though. Am working hard to move through this and on to better things. Kind of just going through the motions right now and looking for ways to feel the empty space. I am little concerned about what I will do this summer. Daughter in another country. No close friends where I live. NC with entire family. Ugh! No wonder why I am depressed!

Am thinking of some projects that I can do this summer to keep me active and interested--gardening, crafts, if I buy a house then I can remodel.

And of course, the healing work!

34  3/15

22  4/13

18  4/17

26  4/19

25  4/19

15  4/24

18  4/27

48. Probably my headache and empty refrigerator doesn't make it better.

Today 23.  :)

32. I think a big part has to do with my job, I'm lacking an assignment and therefore my basic need of being 'useful' is not filled. I suspect that when that has turned around (in a week or so) the number will change. I still meet up with friends.

I just want to stay in bed all day, feel unmotivated and a little numb. I have good faith this will turn around soon.

39-moderately depressed. To be fair, I have only been fully out of the relationship for 1 month and NC for a week. Onwards  :)

15  4/24

18  4/27

10  4/29

16  5/8

9   5/13

15  5/20

WOW.  It's been over 2 years since my last post in this thread and I'm at a 6.  But 2 of them I'm almost certain are due to medications (tired all the time).  Things are going well, I'm feeling good in life and I guess that is evidenced by the fact that I haven't been here in 2 years!  I cannot express how incredibly helpful this community was for me when I was really struggling. 

Scored 55

thing is that I don't feel particularly depressed and certainly not severely depressed. I'm still in it tho and I function as I do in a state of 'keep on keeping on' mostly always.

Lol I took a vacation a couple weeks ago, just one week and my whole week was eating up by other things, no relaxing for me, not him but my other family member issues. I'm the rock for the family, it's what I do because no one else will... .but anyway I was happy to come back to work. To focus. On something other than everything that's falling apart. I can't help them keep it together (my niece, my sister, my brother)... .I feel like a fraud because they think I do so well... .but I know I can keep work together. I'm skilled, knowledgably, I understand what I do like the back of my hand.

Kinda sad, right?

Scored 24.  Had I done this test when I first found this forum I would have scored much higher.  Working through the pain, reading, see a T, being on this forum all helped reduce my depression to something that I think is manageable with hope at the end of the tunnel.

Scored 18 on this depression test, which is amazing!

I felt that I was much worse - so thanks to the BPD Family website - in helping me reduce my "perceived" depression.

I absolutely feel much stronger mentally, emotionally and intellectually in handling my pwBPDw, and the ups and downs associated with the issues, since I became a member 30 days ago.

I've learnt so much, and I've put the "Setting Borders" into practice, without saying a thing to uBPDw, - basically not getting sucked into the traps anymore. I don't even ask - What's the matter anymore! Just ignore the attention seeking!

This is great. Why? Because it works. Fantastic.

I'm sure you've heard the saying " Silence is Golden". I've proven it to myself. It's true. Oh, Yes.

Thanks so much |iiii

I scored a 2 on this test... .But had I taken it in April of 2013 on the night I first found this site, it would've been a whole lot higher. My sleep was constantly ruined by my fears for my BPD son's life and recovery, and I didn't have any idea how to help him or myself and my family.

My relationship with my other (non) son and his wife was more stressful than I could handle on my own (their ideas of how I should be handling BPD son were in opposition to his Therapist's, Psychiatrist's and Doctor's, and they were threatening to never see us again unless we abided by their wishes regarding him). Stress, stress, stress was causing me so many of the symptoms addressed in the test, I think I would've blown it out of the water!

I'm amazed at how much my fears have been calmed, and how much stress has been alleviated by my learning what I've learned with the Lessons and Tools on this site. I guess I've kind of taken it for granted, almost 2 years later... .

9

Just found out my rent is going up $200 a month... .something has to give... .new place to live, new job, additional income.  Not sure what yet... .mulling it over

19-mildly depressed-I know that this is because I can't let go of wanting relationships between other family members to be better. I know I need to radically accept that they are NC and I can do nothing about it. If I could do this I wouldn't be depressed at all.

I score a 46. Mostly I just don't see the point of anything. Relationship - sucks, Work - sucks, friends - don't have any, family - mostly alienated. I'm 55 and I honestly don't see a reason to have a relationship with another woman given the last 30 years living with BPD's.  My work in corporate america has been a laundry list of kowtowing to narcissists. Yes sir, I'll do what you say even though it's obviously wrong sir. I was never comfortable around people since I was 5 because I didn't know what they wanted. I was crippled with anxiety as a kid that was hardly even acknowledged by my parents. Now people seem like they want to be friends because they just want to have only the good parts of their lives reflected back at them. My family is the same - anything I can do to help them is great but making any accomodation for me, nah that would be work.

Perhaps I'm just not good with technology, but I can't figure out how to use the poll.

However, I scored 25 which puts me as mildly depressed. That does fit with what I am experiencing, which is good days followed by depressed days, followed by good days, in a rapidly moving cycle.

Lifewriter

70. really not good. I guess I should care but after a positive few hours am back to my reality

66 ... .Three months out ... .guess I have some work to do.

Um 43, and Im shocked how high this number is, i thought i was doing a lot better.

Basically I score 3 or 4, for all of 'Low self esteem' to 'Loss of interest in sex', loss of motivation and constantly ired and wanting to sleep

Zeroes for the 'suicide' self harm

50.

I'm depressed as a direct result of the stress brought on by the disappearing/reappearing act. It's been over three weeks with almost no contact. I'm very hurt.

I am now moderately depressed. My score has increased to 36 since I last posted in August, just a week before I broke up for the last time from my BPDxbf. I think this increased score fits with the fact my relationship is now totally and irrevocably over rather than just falling apart and I suspect there will never be any contact again because he won't countenance seeing me.

A friend of mine died last week, which is leaving me both grieving for her and reviewing my own life. She was only 1 year older than me (I'm 51). That could have been me but what have I done with my life? She found the 'love of her life' and raised 2 children with him over a period of 25 years together and was very active in the local community. Her wake was a real blessing, really well attended, a joyful and loving farewell. I would love my life to end THAT way. I fear it won't.

I have realised that I have few relationship skills, I need to be right and will make a point at any cost, I'm so damaged that I attract all the wrong people, I have loads of core pain to still process. I feel that there's so much wrong with me that I will never have my dream or avoid my nightmare scenario - dying when there's virtually no one who cares enough about me to mourn me. It feels like the ultimate humiliation after a life of isolation, of being shunned or of not fitting in because I'm not like other people.

Lifewriter

eI got 55. At first I was surprised at how high the score is, but now I realise it makes sense. I have zero motivation to do anything. I've been feeling down for the last two weeks as I've been unable to do any work (I'm a freelancer). It's a vicious cycle - can't work, therefore not earning money, therefore cannot go out and have fun, too.

I decided last weekend that I'm going to look for a job. I think I need structure now in order to rebuild my life. I have to start somewhere and I think that's the best place to focus my energies on. A job will mean I'll be meeting people again, I'll be out and about all day, I'll be able to get my own place again... .

This is tough. Really tough.

scored 35, three weeks after the final discard, surprised it isn't higher!

I came back with a 3.
Thank goodness for therapy and life long friends.
Here is to good healing for you all.

I would say I scored a 49 but still feel severely depressed; I have been NC for over 9 months, but there are other issues in my life contributing to my depression other than my ex.

So I remembered back to the day after she dumped me and the score was 56.

Then I did it how I am now and I'm at 5.

I am 18 months out, have had a little therapy but most of all I found a mentor who listened to me go on and on and on about what had happened to me and helped me steer back to normality.

I scored 74. This does not surprise me.

This has been something of concern for me,  I know I'm moderately depressed, but still manage to function at mostly a high level. 

Today I'm at 28. 

I copied the test into a simple spreadsheet and am going to start tracking weekly.

Is there any way to upload it so folks could use it?

Depression Test
61% of members are depressed

(https://bpdfamily.com/audio/depression.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)

Take the test here: (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)
 

I scored 10. I honestly thought it be more like 11 to 18 and land me in the mildly depressed scoring range because of my bf's severely BPD etc mother and a few minor things but hey I'll take landing in the unhappy numbers range any day   

20

A few weeks ago I'd have been high 20s I think. I'm in divorce now and doing a lot of ruminating, which isn't good. Still, I have a bright outlook and confident that I can start working on my own issues, although having a hard time focusing on me as opposed to the ex.

63 about 4 days ago when I was feeling down but not too bad. 53 a day ago when I was feeling ok and today a 59 and I feel a little out of it and frustrated because of recent events. Even though it's high I'm happy that it's not as bad as I used to get. It just sucks that it's still my 'normal'. Sigh.

I scored 66. Still struggling, but improving especially now that I've gone completely NC. I’m going to use this test as a measure of my progress.

Well, I took the test. I took it 2 ways. 1. when he is home, I scored 58. My second test was when he is gone, which is alot I scored 19

I scored 57. My marriage to BPD wife is rarely at peace. Home is not a safe and secure place. I am trying to curtail my anger. If I respond in anger to her BPD behavior... .well it's putting gas on a fire. Plus my heart rate and blood pressure skyrockets. So I have to become numb to her rages yet sensative to her feelings

63.

Just a general way of life nowadays. Can't think of a time when I haven't felt sad or low.

Wait, yes I can, I was 23.

I scored 81.  That's really not great.

I scored a 67. I've been stuck in a rut with life for the last few years and can't seem to find my way out. I was permanently disabled because of my job, which I was let go from, after 3 surgeries. Then went thru a couple bad relationships, substance abuse issues, then finally the loss of my 12-year-old daughter to a PMIC 50 miles from our home. She has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, social anxiety, and a personality disorder, which I believe to be BPD. I find it hard to find anything to look forward to anymore, especially with my physical limitations. This led me to an attempted overdose, which I was told I was lucky to come out of. Yet I feel I was unlucky it didn't succeed. I'm a basket case!

I'm 29 which is better than it was. I am able to function and some of the more extreme thoughts are receding.

I scored a 5.  18 months ago and longer ago I would have been in severe depression.   I get depressed when thinking about the alienation of my kids. 

18 months ago I moved out.  At that time it was a like walking in a mind field.  Never knew when something would blow.  I was depressed for a long time leading up to my moving out. 

Now feeling depressed is the exception and not the rule.  This board has been part of my healing. 

Thanks I scored a 44 presently... .hopefully it will decrease in the coming days

Just scored a 60. Darn. Time for action.

I test ... .46... .sure it will change once I accept that I move on from last love-affair.
Hanven't seen him since December. Haven't heard from him since last Tuesday when he texted : "Hugs and kisses." Hard to believe we are June,and I will spend summertime without him... .my happiness ... I make it depend on him... .he is not worth me waiting... .in vain... .for him... .
 

I have scored 70 points.

Jeez... .56. And I'm feeling better than I was a month ago. I am not well.

I've just scored 51. I feel awful but trying to keep strong. The emotional/verbal was just too much for me, and I'm trying to go NC which racks me with horrendous guilt and grief as I'm afraid I've abandoned him. Sometimes I'm not sure if the comments are BPD or if they are NPD. As he is undiagnosed I'll never know. and this upsets me too. I've blocked emails but some still get through, and sometimes they are so "normal" even though they've followed a particularly spiteful one. I don't know if its baiting or trying to get me to re-engage. I know he has little empathy for how low I'm feeling and doesn't seem to care I'm taking professional help.

65 on the Depression Test today.

I'm at 53. I have good days and bad. I'm 9 months out from the end of the relationship.

51

 I scored a 4 in 19 out of 22 questions. That's 76. Well, It kinda sounds bad. But it is what it is.
It's affecting me at work. Though I am supposed to be "intelligent" enough to do what is needed, my feelings or lack of them rather, gets in the way. And I keep procrastinating for ever. I've tried a lot of stuff, ranging from counseling to self-talk. but if at all I take off the ground, I juust stop in a few days.
:/
Green green was my valley earlier... .

I scored 59, I feel so lost.

The " how does depression distort yoru thinking " article... .is really scary... .every one of those definitions... .i attribute to " her "... I see every single one of those descrip[tions in " her "... .which really twists my head... because no im wondering if i really see those thing in : here ",, or if I am seeing those things in " me " and projecting them onto her "... .this scares me because its like i got hit by a big wave, i am underwate and oout of breath, and still dont know which way is up... .i score 47 on the depression test, so i am modeerstely depressed at th high end toward severely... .

 10 WOW with all I'm going through right now ,I'm sure as hell doing something right for myself. |iiii

I got 45.
I am struggling quite a lot with my BF.
He is cruel with name calling, yelling and lying

Any -one... thats where i was a few weeks ago, but i have gotten better by making an effort to hang out with old frineds, even had a lunch date with a female ... not to try and start a new relationship . but to keep on keeping on on... it is important to spend time with people that like you and do things that make you feel good or at least do activities where you can accomplish something and see the results and feel good about it... .keep on keeping on. dont sit in a puddle and wait for the rain to stop... get up and move.

I scored a 48

about 40

Well... .I got a 52.   That's bad... .right?

17,

its helped me recognise a few things to work on such as getting my health and sleep back, Im in the mid of the mild depression category since getting back in contact with my BPDx which id not realised. good quiz

16 months on from the last time I saw my ex, I am happy to report that my score was 5. I can’t actually remember what I scored several months ago but it was a lot more than 5. This doesn’t mean that I am miraculously cured of any kind of depression but it DOES mean that not seeing her has allowed me to emotionally detach from my extreme and obsessive emotions. It also tells me that as bored and unfulfilled as I may feel in a sexless marriage, not acting out has allowed me to heal. I am proud that I have not gone headlong into another damaging r/s but have focused on my wife and allowed her love for me to ‘be enough.’ I don’t feel I want to cheat on her, even though I do want a sex life. What I don’t want is the feeling of debilitating hopelessness and terrible unrequited love leading to a disastrous lack of self worth and suicidal ideation. Abstaining from abusive relationships really can bring us out of despair. Plus I have learnt much about myself on these boards.

RF

It's been a week now.  I'm at 66.  On the other test, I'm 16.

Urgh.  I can't concentrate, check my email often, procrastinate and can't eat.

The only thing I seem to be able to do is exercise.  I feel like I want to go to the gym and workout till I drop from exhaustion.

Whoa. Scored 58, now what?  :cursing:

Well over 50, probably less than 60. 

I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't go totally NC but I don't really have anyone else if I do :/

At 58, Vexed, are you in a position to get counselling? I have been,  and it's what keeps me going

I got 50. Mostly because I have (not officially diagnosed) depression since 6 years ago when I was in grad school and I have just recovered. But then when I had my first boyfriend (now ex), turned out he possibly has BPD! Oh boy... .

The problem is I still want to contact him and it eats me up everyday.

I had an failed attempt to leave the relationship, but returned after 5 months and now I score 74 ... I took this quiz just because I am closing open tabs in the browser ...  lost all interest in figuring out the problems ... lost all interest in everything
Feeling sad or down in the dumps?   4
Feeling unhappy or blue?   4
Crying spells or tearfulness?   3
Feeling discouraged?   4
Feeling hopeless?   4
Low self esteem?   3
Feeling worthless or inadequate?   4
Guilt or shame?   4
Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?   4
Difficulty making decisions?   4
Loss of interest in family or friends?   4
Loss of motivation?   4
Loss of interest in work or other activities?   4
Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?   4
Feeling tired?   4
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?   3
Decreased or increased appetite?   3
Loss of interest in sex?   4
Worry about your health?   3
Do you have any suicidal thoughts?   1
Would you like to end of life?   1
Do you have a plan for harming yourself?   1

I scored a 36. Although I for the most part still feel like myself and have no thoughts of hurting myself this whirlwind is taking it's toll on me. I feel like a prisoner in my home and relationship. My husband goes everywhere I go and if I'm is a different room he checks my phone and the room constantly. He has a problem if I visit family, which I am very close to, for too long and thinks I'm sneaking off to cheat. And God forbid I miss a phone call.

I just scored 3. *I also just went back of 50 mg of Zoloft, and it at least helped me stop the kind of urgency feelings of "I must address this/solve this/be right". I think too though that finding this board did as well.

I had been on Zoloft, 50, 100, 150 mg but more recently at 100 until I left my job 5 weeks ago. Since then I stopped it (w/my doctor's agreement) and have been doing well. I've taken it off and on since 1994 when I'd had severe postpartum depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts. Even the initial dose of 50 mg has helped, and I'm good to go, again.

Better life through medications until balance kicks in again. Self care.

I think my score would vary day to day, but today I scored a 36. I usually don't have hopeless feelings, but COVID has brought these feelings on. I am an extrovert, and I miss my friends. I haven't seen my BPDm in a while, which helps, but being stuck inside has got me thinking about her so much. I find comfort in this site, though I think too it brings up a lot for me more often.

8/28/2013: 42 (about 6 weeks post-breakup)

Inbetween relationships: probably a 2 or 3

6/5/2020: 63 (about 3 weeks post-breakup of a different relationship)

I would've thought that I could handle it better this time around from all the self-discovery and personal growth I'd undergone since the first time I was on the boards. I learned so much about myself and understood my issues both within the relationship with my exgf and my relationship to myself. I'm not perfect, but I was comfortable in my own skin.

But the most current relationship that hit the rocks was so much better, secure, and healthier that I hurt worse now than the last time when I was in a much more dysfunctional enmeshed relationship. Before it was mostly just a day to day struggle, like just make sure we got thru the week and then the next and next and etcetera.

This time I felt so secure that we talked about not just tomorrow, but next month, next year, sharing our dreams and aspirations towards building a life together. This loss feels so much greater and cuts much deeper.

67..I don't know what to think of it.

77 what now

I just stopped counting at 76. I’m really tired.

I scored a 71. This is so shocking because it makes me more clearly see how bad my relationship is and how lost I feel.

I scored 42--= moderately depressed.  It's relieving to know that yeah...that's where I'm at.  I find I can accept where I'm at if I can put a word to it.  And there are so many emotions flowing around, I thought I'd come to this forum again.

I'm at this score because I've just finalised the property settlement with my xBPDw.  The divorce happened back earlier this year, so this property settlement is the last really big thing.  The last boundary.  I'm out and can move forward.  And I think all the pent up grief, regret, and relief is pouring out...all mixed up.

I scored a 30, meaning moderately depressed.  I feel like my ADHD, anxiety and dealing with a uBPDw contributed to this moderate score (due to the FOG), more so than actual depression.  Nonetheless it's great to be aware of.   

Scored a 49 in January and a 24 in May.  Counseling and realizing my wife of 25 years is uBPD has helped A LOT.  Owning that the constant onslaught of emotional abuse created my own self inflicted codependent depressive thinking and working my way out of it with a lot of self evaluation and reflection has helped!  Putting a BPD name to the BS has been a God Send! 

This was so true for me as well with my uPBDw.  The minute I realized the cause of the chaos I could definitely look at our relationship differently and make the changes necessary. 

I do not have an option for changing my answer.  In 2022 I was moderately depressed with my situation, now I am unhappy (score 9).  Please re-enable the ability to change one's vote?

Also, I have learned through many sources; BPD family was a big part of this which has allowed me to process wtf was going on with my pwBPD.  With the help of therapists, this site, and others, instead of being reactive, I am now proactive with my pwBPD and making good changes in my family dynamic - in turn this has reduced my depression to the point where it really isn't an issue any more.

Thanks BPD Family.

SD

Wow I got a 57...severe depression...makes sense.