Essential Family Guide - Randi Kreger

[Randi Kreger]

Hello, everyone. I hope everyone is having a happy summer.  I’m writing to keep everyone up-to-date about various projects I am working on and how they might benefit you as a person with a borderline family member. My summer is going great because after three or four years of obsessive research and writing, my new book, the Essential Family Guide to BPD (EFG), is done and into the hands of the publisher. It will be out in late October.

At the risk of sounding self-promoting, I am extremely pleased with the book. I put everything I had into it.

Thus far I’ve gotten great feedback from those who have read it. I’ll be posting some of it on the lists to introduce you to some new concepts you’ll be reading about.

The most important chapter in the book has to do with setting limits. Back in 2006, I asked people to tell me what happened when they tried to set boundaries. I think I got about 40 responses. As I was writing the book, I took those responses and teased out the similarities in all the stories. I found patterns and was able to pinpoint what went wrong and where. One of the things I learned is that I needed an entire chapter about what to do WHEN (not "if" those boundaries aren't respected. I also learned that the secret to sucess in setting boundaries is mental preparation. So I want to thank you all for your help, because your answers were extremely helpful as I tried to figure out solutions to issues that kept coming up again and again. Also, now that I am out of Book Mode, I am going to be much more active in creating awareness of BPD.

Stop Walking on Eggshells and the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook were never really promoted—no book tours or national publicity and so on. But my new publisher plans on launching EFG in a bigger way and seeking out promotional opportunities. A few things are already in the works.

To prepare for this, I’m going to redo my website.  I will also be considering other ways to spread the word like newsletters, blogs, speaking, training, and adding new content to my web site on a regular basis.

I am also going to be investigating ways to facilitate local family member connections, revising and updating my booklets, and many other things I haven’t had the time or brainpower to do.
I am going to be taking some personal time off in July, then hit the ground running first thing in August. I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to this.

In 1996, when Paul Mason and I were looking for a publisher for SWOE, people, kept telling us we were ahead of the curve. Now the curve as caught up!

Warmly,
Randi Kreger

[elphaba]

Hey Randi... .It's important that books like yours make it out there to raise awareness and offer some solutions for those who are dealing with a BPD in their lives... .so, once again, thank you for SWOE, thank you in advance for the new book and for all the workbooks you have put together.

I hope you get some time to relax in your time off and enjoy yourself... .

Again, many thanks for all you do... .from the bottom of my witchy little heart... .

[blackandwhite]

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Author: Randi Kreger Publisher: Hazelden (October 15, 2008) Paperback: 250 pages ISBN-10: 1592853633 ISBN-13: 978-1592853632

[Stepmom04]

I received my book in the mail today and have already started reading.  I can't wait to really get into it!  Thanks Randi!

Sm04

[gbpacker48]

Randi,

   Thank you for pouring your heart into this work.  BPD info, SWOE and family has been a lifesaver for me.  I can cry thinking where I would be without this.

                                                  Love,

                                                         gb

[Randi Kreger]

I am pasting in two reviews from non-BPs on the net:

Very few books can actually change your life. Randi Kreger has written two. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (SWOE) changed my life and the lives of many others. "The Essential Family Guide" now offers the tools to family members and professionals to help deal with BPD with great efficiency and effectiveness. "The Essential Family Guide" hits the nail directly on the head and drives it home. Where SWOE left off, the Family Guide picks up. It is critical reading for everyone - including counselors, psychologists, and legal professionals - living with or dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (a "BPD". After reading through the first few chapters, I realized that "The Essential Family Guide" is the next step in my own recovery in dealing with my BPD ex-spouse and in caring for my children exposed to this disorder. If you are coping with a BPD - personally or professionally - you must read the Essential Family Guide. I think of and hear from others out there dealing with the craziness of a BPD in their lives and searching for understanding. If I can convince one person to read The Family Guide and get the benefit that I have received from Randi's books, then I will have done a good thing

I thought nothing could ever top the first book Randi Kreger co-wrote ("Stop Walking on Eggshells" but her newest book does it---I wish I could give ten stars instead of five. This seemingly simple book is one of the top five most useful books I've ever read in my life---I've already reread it twice, and will be reading it again in the years to come to help keep me in the right mental place. If you want to not only understand emotionally troubled people, but also do something concrete to help yourself, push the button and order this book right now. There are so many powerful and easy-to-use tools provided in this book that it's tough to figure out which ones to mention in this review. They all give concrete answers to the seemingly unanswerable question that always arises whenever you're faced by a troubled personality--what do you do about it? For example, I've always heard that you need to "set firm limits" with people who would overstep your boundaries. But personally, I never really quite understood what the word "limits" actually meant, and I certainly didn't know how to set them. Nothing I ever read on the topic helped much, because what little I found was so vague. But Randi gives example after concrete example of what limit setting actually means in a variety of situations, emphasizing throughout that it's important to understand your own greater sense of what's fair and right for yourself as well as for others. Her chapter on uncovering what keeps you feeling "stuck" provides a terrific explanation of a problem in relationships with people who are troubled. In the chapter on communication, Randi describes precisely how to communicate and actually be heard. And the good news is that it IS possible to get your troubled person to make changes---Randi tells precisely how to do it, even while you are improving your own health and life. If you are dealing with a person who is making your life miserable and who leaves you constantly feeling as if you are walking on eggshells, you need this extraordinary book.

[shefiled]

I sincerely believe this book is literally a masterpiece. For such an INSIDIOUS disorder to be so well understood and mapped out so thoroughly takes immense professionalism and selfless dedication. The methodology of using the web to accumulate a thorough understanding of BPD is unprecedented and of historical significance. Then to be able to structure all that information into a purely objective, usable, quality document is just ... .what? ... .Precious. Precious as life itself because it gives Hope to life for so many - men, women, children and my God, the ever precious Family.

(Side note: I recommend highlighting your BP's behavioral symptoms in yellow and your corrective behaviors/actions in green. This makes it into a good operator's manual.)

[Randi Kreger]

Wow! What a nice review (and I didn't see it for all this time).

What I tried to do in this book is overcome the shortfallings in SWOE that people have remarked on: it's full of info, but hard to takeaway the key "what to do" points.

But there is so much more: in the 10 years since I cowrote SWOE, my thinking evolved from Neanderthal to modern humans (although to be precise, the Neanderthals died out or comingled with modern humans. But that is another discussion).

I am convinced that by working the tools, people have the best chance to make the relationship work because in focusing on the key needs for non-BPs, it concurrently is sensitive to the needs of the BP. And when BPs get their needs met, it's so much easier for them to control their own behavior. It's all win win (unless the BP is abusive and totally resistant to change). Actually, that's a key point: what I found is that it is not necessary to admit their reality is warped by the disorder. What is essential is that they value the relationship enough (and are healthy enough) to take the other person's feelings, needs, and desires into account. What I am struggling with is how do I tell people that the Essential Family Guide (EFG) takes people so much further than SWOE can without putting down my own book--which, by the way, covers many things that EFG does not, like helping protect children, distortion campaigns, and pretty much the last chapters of the book. I am planning on doing a continuing series of teleconferences to TRAIN people--not just inform them. Just like BPs need to learn skills (such as those taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy) so do family members.

My new web site will also have a training section in addition to all the usual info. I will also be starting a blog to better dialog with non-BPs because it's too hard to reach all 20,000 in various pockets of the net.

You heard it here first!

[Randi Kreger]

I have the sneaking suspicion that all the books I've writeen about BPD is really BPD/NPD. I am working on a new book about partners who have both. Randi KregerAuthor, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells"Available at www.

[Randi Kreger]

You can find the best description of how to set a boundary in my latest book (EFG); I did a workshop here with the techniques.

[Randi Kreger]

I spend three years pondering that question and wrote the answers in my new book The Essential Family Guide to B... P... D... It has a step by step process of how to plan and what to say. Right now you are communicating, but not really setting boundaries.

[qcarolr]

I read it last winter and need to read it again. So many new families are posting on the board I wanted to hightlight it for everyone. It has helped me as a parent and grandparent more than the original SWOE book.

qcr

[peaceplease]

I am going to check that one out.  I had to go review the SWOE book and workbook that I ordered a few years ago.  It really helped me, recently.  I was not handling things well at all.  I was starting to wonder, if it was me.  The projection really got to me.  I believe that I am back on track with the validating and boundaries. 

[qcarolr]

I wanted to share something from this book that has really helped me with it's simplicity in the 1st chapter.

Key Principles

1. To help your family member, you must help yourself first

2. BPD thoughts, feelings and behaviors are not different, just exaggerted

3. You CAN improve your life even if your family member doesn't change

4. It takes only one person to fundamentally change a relationship

These principles are included in so many posts and replies in these boards here at bpdfamily.com. This book does such a good job of offering ideas about how to make this happen, one life at a time.

qcr xoxox

[misfit101]

This sounds like a book I need to get my hands on. And while I haven't read it, I'm not so sure I agree with #2... ."BPD thoughts, feelings and behaviors are not different, just exaggerted". My d's thoughts certainly seem to be different at times. It's like there's no rational thought there.

[qcarolr]

misfit - Great quesiton.  i had to stop and think about that one - and read more details about. the author goes on to remind us that "we all let our feelings overcome logic, blow things out of proportion and act impulsively in ways we later regret." BPD this happens so often and to such an extreme it greatly interferes with function in life. There is a chart later in the book that I have seen in other behavior and depression books that lists Cognitive Distortions. Randi Kreger does a comparison of the chart of these distorted behaviors and then lists the extreme way pwBPD exhibits. It really opened my eyes. The one that hits closest to home for me is:

Cognitive Distortion: Feelings equal facts: Emotions color interpretations of people and situations

Cognitive Distortion in BPs: The BP makes jaw-dropping interpretations, assumptions, and inferences that may bear little resemblance to reality.

Another good one is:

Cognitive Distortion: Blame: Holding others totally accountable for negative situations.

Cognitive Distortion in BPs:  The BP not only dismisses contrary supporting facts but also thrashes, mutilates, and pummels them into submission. The BP will not be held accountable for anything.

So I feel a little crazy sometimes, especially if not getting enough sleep, really stressed out my the pwBPD in my life - giving me  - etc and can certainly have some cognitive distortions in my thinking. But I can take a time out to sleep, meditate, walk in the park, play with my gd - ie. take care of myself, and get over it. My DD, who refuses to accept that any kind of therapy or medication can make her life different, she doesn't even get it that she is living in total distortion to be able to know that changes are needed. It is either projected totally on someone else (usually good ol' mom) or taken in to such a depth and with such speed that nothing but getting totally wasted on whatever pills and alcohol is available and hoping the sun never rises on her is THE ONLY ANSWER IN THAT MOMENT.  Guess this is her self-injury method to handle the intensity of the pain.

I am glad I am reading, studying this book again.

Footnote:  :)D and bf found a room in apt with friend - i paid for the rest of November rent than it is up to them. So eased my pain - got a thanks mom texted to me. GD is happy mom isn't sleeping under the leaky bridge now or sleeping with the bedbugs at the shelter. Not holding my breath, and ready to say no to future requests for more rent.

qcr xoxox

[misfit101]

I will no doubt have to read that several times for it to sink in, and for my brain to process it. There are parts that make absolute sense. It's the "overcoming logic" part... I'm not sure my D understands logic anymore. Ok... more to the point... .it's like she doesn't KNOW logic, if that makes sense. I'm having trouble articulating here. If I'm to understand that sentence, we all understand/know what's logical, but b/c or circumstances we can react in a way that isn't logical. And BPDs take this to the "nth" degree. My musings are I'm wondering if she understands logic anymore. It's almost as if things that are (or should be) obvious in a logical sense are just not computing for her. Does that make sense?

[qcarolr]

Hi Misfit - I'm not sure I have this right but it seems from my reading that feelings lead to thinking that leads to action/behavior. So if our feelings overcome our logic - or ability to think - then our actions can easily be impulsive and irrational as seen by others. If we are in a confused state we may be unaware that in that moment we are being irrational in our thinking and actions.  With a BPD it goes way beyond this so that the feelings are totally in control, the logic/thinking part is entirely skipped and they jump immediately into impulsive actions/behaviors that just blow everyone around them away. Yet they have no awareness, or little awareness, of this whole process so do not understand why no one seems to 'get them'. Their belief is that they ARE being logical. My DD often tells me i am being irrational when I think she is acting totally without reasoning.

If I am in a rapid cycling phase of my bipolar disorder or somewhat dissociating then my feelings can temporarily overcome my logic and I make really bad decisions and responses to others around me at that time. Now in my life someone can give me a cue that I am offbase of reality and I can stop and reset. Maybe I forgot my meds. maybe I need to take a break from a stressful situation or just get some extra sleep. Then I can go back and rethink that incident and realize I was a little crazy, feel remorse or whatever, and make amends - clean up my mess. Oh, and I should say I have done some CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) about 15 years ago as part of my recovery with bipolar that led me to hear the cues. I still get in a place of exhaustion or stress and am lost to my internal voice - thankfully my dh has learned to reach me. And the newer meds for bipolar have helped me a lot. Unfortunately true BPD doesn't respond to these mood stabalizing meds in many pwBPD. It is also important to remember that each person is an individual in many respects, so some trial and error is always involved in finding what works best.

My DD never gets the cue - she justs feels insulted, put-down, gets defensive or angry, projects even more onto me. I think DBT therapy, when a pwBPD is ready to accept doing it, can help teach them the skills and tools to hear the cue, or give themselves a cue, and stop the vicious cycle. I just keep praying for DD to get to this place someday.

Does this make any sense to you? I am sue there are many here at bpdfamily.com that could say this more concisely. I get accused of using way too many words!

qcr

[Randi Kreger]

This sounds like a book I need to get my hands on. And while I haven't read it, I'm not so sure I agree with #2... ."BPD thoughts, feelings and behaviors are not different, just exaggerted". My d's thoughts certainly seem to be different at times. It's like there's no rational thought there.

Thank you for letting people know! I worked on this sequel for 3 years and I think it's  a much better book. When I wrote this I had had 10 extra years to think about practical tools.

[peaceplease]

I just received my book, today.  I am looking forward to reading it.  I have a drs. appointment and usually about an hour wait in his office, so I will be reading.  SWOE has been a big help.  And, now, there are even more tools to work with this new book.

[LAHdedah]

When trying to explain or come to terms with my dd18BPD behaviors, I have concluded it is not just one or two expressions of abnormal thoughts or dysfunctional behavior.  It is the sum total of many and numerous behaviors over many months and/or years.  Everyone has a bad day now and then.  I think most of us have had occasions when we've behaved in ways we later regret.  A BPD has a bad day, almost everyday, and instead of regretting it, they feel justified.  

This is just my take.

[Randi Kreger]

As for detaching from the emotions, I had a BPD mother and NPD father, and I spent most of my childhood detaching and dissociating and at 50 years old it is a pattern I still do. It helped me survive as a kid, but it is not a long-term strategy, and I don't think anyone here would suggest that you use it. Soldiers can detach from their emotions, but when they get back home they will deal with them or go crazy. People stay by using a number of techniques that may work in the short run, but whether they work in the long run, in my opinion, is still debatable. Here is the test: think about what you want to experience before you die. You only have so many years. What do you want for yourself? Will you still be able to have it or experience it?  In the long time, will you be proud of yourself for sticking it out, or will you realize you have sacrificed things you really wanted?Often, our values conflict: there are many good reasons to stay and many good ones to leave. I think the key is that to survive long term the key is balance. Without balance, we fall or get physical illness from the stress of holding up one end without anything to balance it. Your coping techniques may give you that balance, or may not. Only you know.

[Randi Kreger]

I have in the Essential Family Guide to help people conceptualize the pain of a BP. Here it is:See the World through BPD-Colored GlassesThis empathy exercise will take two months to complete. You will need to buy a thick blank journal or lined notebook. IMPORTANT: Begin this exercise only after you have read it in its entirety.Week one: Sit down with your notebook and recall every time you ever felt publicly humiliated or ashamed, starting with grade school. For now, hold off on recording incidents having anything to do with your family. Week two: Go over your life, from as early as you can remember. Think about times when each member of your family did or said something that caused you a great deal of pain. Then conjure up all those feelings you had at that time. Next, do the same thing for all your love relationships. Week three: Take note of the times you felt enraged at someone. Did you ever feel like throwing something at the wall—or even at the person—during a major free-for-all? Week four: Repeat as before, focusing on the following issues: Did you ever feel like you wanted to die—really die? Are there any areas of your life you can’t control, like eating or drinking too much? Make a list of all the things you hate about yourself. Week five: Think of all of the times you’ve hurt others. Did you ever break a promise to a child or give an unfair punishment? Week six: Go though your notebook. In each instance, no matter how absurd it seems, find someone or something else to blame for each incidence, as a higher-functioning invisible BP might do. Chant to yourself, “It wasn’t my fault. It was her fault (his fault).” Feel the relief that acts as a blessed sunburn balm that takes away the pain on your emotional skin. Go back through each week casting blame and criticism. For example, for the previous week blame the other person for making you hurt him. Do the same type of thing for week two. When you’re done, reward yourself to compensate for having had to deal with such crazy people. Week seven: Now do what some lower-functioning conventional BPs do: blame yourself for every painful incident. If your parent forgot your birthday, believe it was because you did something bad or were so worthless that you didn’t deserve to have your birthday remembered. Week eight: Now it’s time for the most complex assignment yet: spend a few hours with your notebook and put all of your notes equally at the top of your mind—even the ones that contradict each other, such as blame yourself and blame everyone else (in fact, especially those). You may find that you can think of little else, making it hard to function. Feel free to cry liberally. Interpreting the Exercise Now that you’re prepared to run out and buy your blank journal, don’t. Hopefully, just reading the exercise has given you insight into what it is like to have BPD. Imagine living with this emotional turmoil 24/7 and put yourself in the following situations. How would you react?•   You’re at work and your boss criticizes something about your job performance.•   Your daughter says she hates you.•   You miss the bus and it’s raining.•   You interview for a job and they picked somebody else.•   Someone you’re interested in says he or she “just wants to be friends.” Just facing the daily challenges of life and maintaining self-esteem and good humor can be difficult for anyone, let alone someone with BPD. Individuals with BPD often feel—for the lack of a better word—wounded. When they believe they’ve been deliberately hurt, part of their pain is from wondering why someone who is supposed to love them would want to hurt them. When you swoop in to rescue them—for example, with the intense “love-at first-sight” Romeo and Juliet type of heroic and undying love, they see a chance (unconsciously so) to escape from their horrifying mental prison. No wonder they fall in love so far so fast and cling to it with all they have.

[4kids]

I've read WHINE & the EFG. I find the EFG much better, as it not only covers the concepts like validation to help the BP feel better, it also discusses things like rescuing and boundaries to help the non-BP feel better. Randi seems to understand how nons can feel, and how the non can't help the BP until the non is feeling OK.

The EFG says you should not accept abuse from the BP, and discusses things the non can do to stop opening themselves up to abuse (or possibly enabling the abuse).

[Randi Kreger]

I have two series and about 15 blog posts so far on the similarities and differences between BPD and NPD, with comments from spouses, people with NPD, experts, and so on. You can find them at

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells


What I feel are some highlights:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201201/lack-empathy-the-most-telling-narcissistic-trait

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-borderlines-and-narcissists-fear-most-part

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/youre-so-vain-narcissistic-grandiosity-and-what-it-means-you

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/behind-the-facade-the-false-self-the-narcissist

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-have-you-done-me-lately-entitlement-key-narcissistic-trait

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201202/problems-emotional-intimacy-typical-borderliners-and-narcissists

The books that I find myself using the most about NPD are these two scientific/medical ones:

www.amazon.com/Object-My-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328757937&sr=1-9

www.amazon.com/Enough-About-You-Lets-Talk/dp/0787980633/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328758065&sr=1-2


This one is more like SWOE:

www.amazon.com/Help-Love-Narcissist-Steven-Carter/dp/1590770773/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328758156&sr=1-12

[Randi Kreger]

I want to be clear--I am looking for people who feel stuck in one way or the other.

[Randi Kreger]

A blog about someone discovering his mom has BPD. Sign up to subscribe to be notified of when part 2 is up.www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201303/i-just-learned-my-mom-has-borderline-personality-disorderRandi Kreger

[isshebpd]

Just before I figured out my uBPDmom (due to hints she was dropping), she told me about a message from her estranged sister (my aunt) left on her answering machine. uBPDmom looked kind of freaked out. I asked her to play it for me.

Aunt's message (paraphrased): I think its time you told everyone about the BIG family secret.

uBPDmom looked very odd while we listening to the message. She seemed nervous.

I think my aunt has known for a long time, maybe since they were kids, about uBPDmom's mental health issues.

[chayka]

Thanks for posting the link, Randi!

That guy's story really resonated with me, especially where he says that after reading some of the literature on BPD, a lot of painful childhood memories started coming up.

That's where I was at a year ago when I first found out about BPD: getting horrible, uncontrollable flashbacks and not knowing how to deal with them. But, thanks to all the great people on this website and my amazing partner and close friends, I got through those difficult stages and I now feel I understand things and can cope so much better with my uBPD mum.

Thanks and   to everyone here!

Chayka

[doubleAries]

Thanks so much for this Randi. I posted a reply on the blog and sent you an email.

doubleAries