The game: Our wants versus theirs, and the ensuing hurt.

[SOOOdone]

great question because it is challenging.

I will bring into the next relationship a realistic but not mistrusting position...I no longer will be demanding a person do anything differently than what they were doing before they met me...if they don't have a fulltime job etc...I will have to either accept it or move on because a person has to be able to live life the way they see fit before getting into a relationship, just like I am not going to radically change my lifestyle to conform to someone else's agenda. Basically I will be more accepting of another person and their choices. Being accepting does NOT mean I have to LIKE it...it means I have to make a decision if it is something I can live with or not and I have to be the one to make the decision and not manipulate the situation to suit me.

i will hopefully be much more respectful of the truth. I will respect my gut feelings more. I will accept my limitations and not kid myself into thinking..."oh, yes there are some eccentricities/problems here, but it's better than nothing and besides, he loves me."

I will not sell myself short.

I will make sure my current life is full and happy before getting into a relationship of an intimate nature.

If I feel pressure coming from the other person I will be alarmed instead of flattered into thinking I'm so wonderful.

If I am disrespected in any way it will be deal breaker.

[hopethereishope]

Great question and great answers! I don't want to repeat what the others have said.

I'll only add - love for life.

And for stability - total acceptance of reality instead of interpreting it, and differentiating between causes and motives.

[DearStarling]

Quote

I started to notice that her dirty style affected my style of play. I started playing dirty, pulling out my own little trick plays.

Ok so I TOTALLY do this! The only sense I can make of it is that I am trying to make him see how it feels. Which, admittedly, is a futle attempt. He never perceives it the way it was meant, he sees the problem with my actions. Which is ironic because of course,  he's basically judging himself. How can I make him see that? Isnt it a trait of BPD to project their shortcomings on to others? Because all the complaints he has of me [[reacting like a child, being angry, bossy, etc]] are EXACTLY what I've always thought about him. He actually told ME that I have an anger problem! I know none of you know me, but wow, you would never ssay that about me, TRUST ME ON THAT.

[WhatToDo47]

IMHO, I think the lesson to be learned for all of is to see the rality, and recognize it, rather than believe in the dream, and give everything of ourselves to try to make it happen.

Looking back, it is very clear to me that the outcome was predetermined, and I did nothing but give of myself to delay it. Kinda like being out at sea, and being in a boat with a big hole in it. I bailed and bailed and bailed and bailed, until I had no energy left to bail. I bailed because first of all, I thought I could do something about it. Secondly, I valued the boat more than me to the point of wearing myself out completely bailing, instead of realizing that the boat was going to sink, and using my energy to swim to shore. After bailing, I had no energy left to swim, and everything I worked for was still sinking, and I took the brunt of that blame. The boat was going to sink. Period. It isnt my fault that it was sinking, but it is now my fault that I will drown, because I decided to waste my enegy bailing, instead of swimming. Thats my lesson, what about yours?

This is one of the most helpful analogies to why I stayed and how it ultimately turned out that I've ever read.

The very first time I talked to some spiritual mentors and my T (who is also a religious leader) RIGHT after she left, they told me that she is drowning tied to a boat with a giant hole, and that I better swim to safety or I'll drown, too.

Time to swim to shore.