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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage  (Read 31664 times)
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Posts: 249

« Reply #50 on: August 17, 2011, 10:31:01 AM »


you sound like me, i rarely get mad. My H can scream, yell, throw things, and it can have very little effect on my anger level. However the last time I tried to leave, the rage came out and I was already so stressed and angry and at my wits end, that out of the blue I found myself acting just like him. To this day he hasnt forgotten how I acted and most of all the things I said. He said he had never been hurt like that. He would get so mad when he would yell and I would sit there with a blank stare on my face. I would love to hear more about your story and learning to show how you really feel when you are angry. I am sometimes too afraid of hurting someone no matter what they have done to me so I just let it go.

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« Reply #51 on: October 16, 2011, 06:32:53 AM »

Re passive agression, the two major NPDs in my life, my UBPD/NPD mom oscilated between waif/witch/queen and when i got older and was too big to hit (and left home so she couldn't verbally abuse me 24-7) she switched to passive agression - sending laden emails.  The other person in my life my uNPD half aunt is the queen of emotional manipulation via passive agression "Everyone excludes me! I feel so left out" (when I have ceded the whole family to her without saying anything to them just so I can have OUT).  This keeps the whole family coming to "Poor Lindsay's side". 

so yes, perhaps not a BPD trait as much as it involves a bit saavier level of awareness? but yes i'd say if your subject is comorbid NPD learn how to deal with emotional blackmail/passive aggression.  I've picked up a fair bit myself over the years, sadly, but also unfortunately most of my anger is too easily accessed as I never stopped fighting that crazy witch. Never give up. Never. Never. Never.
Randi Kreger
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Author of the 'Essential Family Guide to BPD"

« Reply #52 on: November 03, 2011, 06:39:11 AM »

What do you mean by passive agressive behavior?
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 586

« Reply #53 on: November 03, 2011, 03:24:58 PM »

What do you mean by passive agressive behavior?

What I mean by it is that she says things that mean one thing on the surface but the subtext means something else, like above where I mention she says she'll say special prayers for me. She doesn't mean that she's going to be saying a prayer on my behalf but more likely one that I'll drop dead.  In an e-mail she put my job title in quotes as if to suggest that I just claim that's my job. She once wrote on her Facebook, where the kids could see it, "I'm going to go to sleep now where I can dream of a place where children respect their parents." The implication of course that the kids were disobeying her when in fact they had been at my house all day. So all her dumb ass friends from high school who have never even met the kids chimed in to tell her what a great mom she is and to say that "those kids" will learn to appreciate her one day. Another time she posted about how hard it was teaching one of them to drive and wished her brother was around because she thought a man would do a better job. The implication in front of many of our mutual friends being that I was nowhere in the picture when in fact I was the one doing 90% of the driving instruction. Other examples include scheduling doctors appointments without consulting my schedule then at the last minute having an "emergency" and telling me I need to get off work to take them. Or simply not showing up to pick them up for two hours if she thinks my wife and I might have plans for the evening.

What we have here is failure to communicate.
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« Reply #54 on: November 03, 2011, 04:41:47 PM »

Randi, the same sort of stuff as Phaedrus.  Not being able to tell me when he can pick the kids up because of 'traffic' or other 'problems' knowing full well that the children have arrangements.  Doing it just to annoy.  Making 'jokes' that are not jokes but because he means what he says and then says it is a joke. 

Eating at a family members for dinner and saying 'Larissa, you should get a copy of the recipe for this meal, it is fantastic' - a meal I make at home often - thereby implying my cooking is not as good as the SIL.

I have a great one from his mother, my kids are quite fussy with their food and don't eat everything their grandmother serves to them.  She knows they don't like rice pudding with custard but gives it to them anyway (her PA way of implying I don't feed my children properly!).  My son took one mouthful and wouldn't eat the rest.  My dessert served half an hour later was watery and horrible - she would have kept my son's leftovers and given them to me with a bit added on top - custard with a bit of saliva in goes watery and horrible.  That was her pa way of getting back at me for my son not liking her food!

Whenever we sat down to dinner, she would ask everyone except me if they wanted seconds.  I had to ask if I wanted it.  her PA way of saying I am fat maybe?  Or that I don't deserve seconds because I eat too much. Whatever her reason it was done on purpose to annoy without actually telling me she thinks I am fat and greedy! (well I think that was why she did it!)

Same as Pheadrus, little aside comments implying my mothering is suspect.  In an email asking if I had got a 'proper' diagnoses for some excma, implying it is my fault my son had difficult to get rid of nits.  The list goes on.  Always those little digs and asides that add nothing to the communication but are designed to annoy me. 

My ex doesn't call my home 'home' for the kids even though they live there 44 weeks of the year.  He always says the kids are coming back to 'your house' or something like that.  We exchange texts when the kids board flights and arrive at their destination safely as they visit him across the other side of the country every school holiday.  He will always text that they have arrived and are very happy to see him.  just another little dig.  I of course just say they have arrived.  I must admit I once did the pa bit just for a laugh and texted him 'kids arrived ok, very happy to be home again'.  Just once, to annoy him.  that would have really annoyed him because I used the word 'home' to mean my place and on top of it said they were happy about it! 

Enough examples?  I have plenty more.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
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« Reply #55 on: November 03, 2011, 04:50:15 PM »

Is the raging consistent?  What I'm trying to say is, if they rage once will it continue?

"I'm not afraid of the storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship"   Louisa May Alcott
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Everything is as it is meant to be.

« Reply #56 on: November 03, 2011, 05:59:40 PM »

What do you mean by passive agressive behavior?

My uBPD+uNPDw is triggered to rage by me. It is not anything I am doing or have ever done. It isn't even about me from what I can tell. During lucid moments during therapy when I asked he to stop seeing me as a monster (when we had a joint therapist) she would say I think I can see what happened to me as a child.  This would last for no more that a few minuted before she would rage at me again.

I am the target for all her rage now. Something I do not deserve. I was the glue that held our relationship and family together. I would have done things differently if i had know about BPD.

So one minute she hates me, blames me, and has said she wished she had killed me.  She has made false accusations about DV and threatened to accuse me of child abuse. "I will destroy you" was her threat.

The I receive texts and emails saying it is a pity I act so pathetically and that we cannot just be friend for the sake of our children.

This is the extreme push and pull I am faced with.  An abuser who plays the role of a victim and repeatedly state she wants to be my friend.

"what is you problem". 

I know this is a mental health problem. I try to keep LC.

All contact with her is at a price. Just sharing information on what I am going to do with the children when thay are with me cost me as she will do all she can to upset my plans and throw a spanner in the works to frustrate what should be quality time for me and the children.

I now share very little.

And yet this is not my fault. She had a horrendous childhood. Sadly this is not her fault either.

Her rage and anger keeps her connected to me. This connecting is still clearly important to her. Trying to stay off the radar and not to respond or engage is the only hope of of pausing this dysfunctional dance until the next time I am forced to interact with her regarding the children.

Some day I suspect this will all catch up with her. Some day she will be forced to look at her past.

I wish her well and hope she finds a therapist who can help her. I hope she find peace and happiness.

She has lived a tormented life, her demons liew within her. Given the childhoos she had she deserves better but this is all she knows.

Her rage and anger for me is all projection.


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« Reply #57 on: November 03, 2011, 06:07:18 PM »

Another example I thought of. A couple years ago we found out that the son she treats as the "all good child" was dealing with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. So we got him into therapy. She took him to his first therapy session and afterwards told me that the therapist said he was "kind of" depressed but that she really thought he was just bored and needed to be involved in more activities. X said that "especially when he's at your house, you really need to do things with him."  I thought to myself surely he didn't tell the therapist I never do anything with him. We do all kinds of things together - backpack, kayak, rock climb, fly fish, go to gym together, we build things together, go to concerts together. His mom doesn't do any of this.  

So I called the therapist the next morning and asked her how it went. She said, "Well I'm sure X has already told you most of what I said." And I said she had but I wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything (because I discovered long ago that her account of anything that someone else said was never accurate, whether they be doctors, teachers, relatives, etc). So the therapist tells me, "Well I believe he is severely clinically depressed. But it was instantly obvious how much he loves you and respects you and really loves spending time with you. He especially likes that you hike and camp with him. So if you can talk X into letting him spend more time with you, that would be good for him."

Kind of the same story but yet totally different, huh?


What we have here is failure to communicate.
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« Reply #58 on: November 04, 2011, 05:32:38 AM »

I find this an excellent article which describes p.a. behavior coupled with insidious emotional abuse. The wording is at times 'not scientific', but it hits the nail on the head again and again.


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« Reply #59 on: April 17, 2012, 05:20:45 PM »

My exBPDGF and I were together for only a year. Keep in mind, I have issues where I am emotionally unavailable and can be distant as well. She raged one time and I stood up ( I am tall and built-I am sure that does not matter) and stated that I will not tolerate that behavior. The behavior did not occur again. She stated, you sound like my father when you said that. Was she looking at me as the father? I also did not let her move in with me after 7 months, therefore, she moved home with her mother (the main problem from my perspective). We dated only 5 months longer. I did not experience what others have experienced. Her ex finance said she was crazy and would go off all the time. He lived with her. I am thinking due to my issues, I did not activate the closeness issue with BPD or abandonment. You're thoughts?
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