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Poll
Question: Which one reason is the MOST SIGNIFICANT reason that you are undecided/conflicted about your relationship future??
Analyzing – going through “Making a Decision” steps
Love them / they are not fully committed to relationship
Love them / they are pulling away
Love them / they are cheating, physically abusive, or stealing
Love them / they left, not sure what is next
Love them / the relationship is unhealthy
Relationship is both good and bad
Waiting – for them to improve or get worse
Not sure -  about becoming an emotional leader/caretaker
Not sure -  about downgrading lifestyle, house, financial security
Not sure -  about being on my own
Religious conflicts
Concerned about children, custody, shared parenting
Not strong enough to leave
Cannot financially survive if I leave
Other

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Why are you "conflicted" about your relationship?  (Read 17708 times)
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« on: June 10, 2009, 09:42:29 PM »

Excerpt
A fire breaks out in your home. You stand before the flames.
 
“Should I get the fire extinguisher and fight it? Should I grab my photo album and run?”
 
You stand there - you can't decide.
 
Not making a decision is a decision in and of itself.

Making a decision to stay or leave a relationship with a person suspected of suffering from BPD or with BPD traits is a often a difficult decision... .if it wasn't, we wouldn't be "undecided."
 
Conflicting priorities, or conflicting emotions, and /or fear are most often the reasons we are undecided. Often we are trapped in our own inability to make the sacrifice and get behind it.
 
So, why are you undecided, conflicted about your relationship?
 
Skippy
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ifsogirl26
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« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2009, 09:44:17 PM »

Are you still living with your spouse? Are you working on things? Are you learning to validate, take time outs and work on yourself?

If not, are you just in limbo? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting it all to magically get better? Being on leaving or staying gives you tools. I feel like people on undecided are just bidding time and venting how horrible your spouse is treating you. Forgive me if I am wrong but I am not seeing people trying to make it better.

To me I am all in or all out.

If you want to stay why not talk with people who are learning skills to connect with their BPDso?

If you want to disengage then talk to people who are leaving.

I just don't understand - is undecided just a venting board?
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« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2009, 10:04:31 PM »

But surely there is a time period where you are weighing up to go or not? That's a very difficult time, can I dare say it, a process?

Sure if someone is on this board for years undecided that might be something to look at, but for myself I had never considered seriously leaving having been with my partner from 17 til 31. Heck I'm not even married nor religious and I obviously had the whole 'til death do us part' going on in my head. Working through severe co-dependent issues as well. I've had to take an unflinching look at myself (didn't like a lot of what I saw Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)), see what part I have played, whether the relationship could/should/do I really want it to be salvaged.

I've decided to leave and we have seperated, but it sometimes doesn't just BOOM happen. Reaching out to others on the undecided is a great thing IMO. Friends, family etc will just be like "GO", but even if you realise the love is a bit sick it still HURTS to go and you aren't sure.

ha ha I don't think anyone will be insulted - it's good to try to understand others and question things.
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« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2009, 10:11:16 PM »

So its not so undecided as it is "I am not ready to actually leave?"

It just seems that no one from undecided moves to staying but they do move to leaving. I know that it is SO SO hard to leave, if there is a chance though I feel like you need to learn the skills and although the moderators do chime in and try to get the ideas of boundaries and validation and time outs I keep looking but I don't see examples of people correctly using these skills. It takes practice.
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« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2009, 11:39:30 PM »

Undecided is a weigh station of sorts.  I know for myself, back in the day, I was waiting to see (while we both went to therapy and were working on our own issues) if things would change, enough and fast enough, for a healthy, happy relationship to be possible. 

A lot of people come here that aren't educated in the disease or our own role in it yet. 

I do agree that it takes real work to decide whether to go to Staying or Leaving, and significant insight in ourselves.  That does have to happen at some point.  And movement up, down and over can happen multiple times sometimes.  Nothing in life is written in stone. 

Foiles


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« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2009, 07:24:28 AM »

I am here because after having been with my H for over 6 years I just learned about this mental illness one month ago and am trying to figure out what I want to do next!

As it was said above, I am doing lots of reading, trying to validate to see if there is improvement and see if improvement of the relationship is possible if not I will move to the leaving board over the next few months I guess.

Meanwhile, this is really helpful in getting to making a decision - separation and divorce are not easy decisions to take... .
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« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2009, 02:14:42 PM »

I am "undecided" because I have just recently learned of the disease after being married to it for over 18 years. 

Now I know what I am going to do, but only based on decisions that my BPDw will make.  After being threatened with divorce for the past 2 years, as soon as I gave in and said OK, then she pulled divorce off the table.  Now I am giving her an ultimatum (after 18 years, this is only the second time I have given an ultimatum).  She can either go to counseling with me to help the marriage, or it will be divorce.  If she does accept counseling, then I will re-evaluate her effort and progress.
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« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2009, 02:57:30 PM »

Excerpt
That does have to happen at some point.  And movement up, down and over can happen multiple times sometimes.  Nothing in life is written in stone.

well put foilies.

also, no situation is the same as another. we are all dealing with different patterns of behaviors in ourselves, a well as different shades and levels of severity in our significant others. ALOT has to be accounted for. remember, people posting on this forum vary in age, maturity, length of time spent in the R, levels of commitment. many members have children with their BPDSO, and many are married. others, hypothetically speaking, may have experienced 8-12 months of pure bliss followed by the onset of BPD chaos. they could be uncertain whether or not the previous weeks or months of hell were truly BPD or just a strange phase. they may be venting and trying to sort through the confusion while hoping and waiting for the bliss to return.

anyway, i can definately respect someone making a decision and going with it, but it's just not always that clean. at one point in my journey i did that, but broke down and restablished contact. now, i don't believe i am capable of ruling my ex out of my life forever, OR recommitting, until we have both done some seriously deep internal work. that work can take a long time.

one more thing... .i've seen a side in my ex that is worth the effort and time, but i've also seen a side that scares me more than i could ever explain. the decision is not easy.

good question

g
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« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2009, 03:00:41 PM »

I am "undecided" because I have just recently learned of the disease after being married to it for over 18 years. 

Now I know what I am going to do, but only based on decisions that my BPDw will make.  After being threatened with divorce for the past 2 years, as soon as I gave in and said OK, then she pulled divorce off the table.  Now I am giving her an ultimatum (after 18 years, this is only the second time I have given an ultimatum).  She can either go to counseling with me to help the marriage, or it will be divorce.  If she does accept counseling, then I will re-evaluate her effort and progress.

Your experience may be different. For me - also after 18 years - things got much worse in the relationship with couples counseling.  Probably because I started to see things much differently and became less and less accepting of abuseive behavior.  However, I got better in the long run.

As for why undecided... .I go back and forth between Staying and Undecided.  Staying often seems like too much work for too little return.  The more I consider leaving - the less she acts out.  (that sixth sense thing).  I want to know that I have done everything possible to get to a relationship that is "comfortable"  I don't know that it will be enough in the end.  I can't do it all - it takes two as we know.  So, while I'm making the effort - if it doesn't result in progress - I know that I will go.  I guess that makes me undecided.  I just don't know right now... .

Make sense?  ?

Peace & Meta
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« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2009, 06:13:48 PM »

I'm on 'undecided' because that is what I really am: Undecided.

One day, I think I can change who I am and establish firm boundaries and disengage when things are rough, and then the next day, my H grabs my wrist and rips my book in half and I think - this is abusive, how will that change by my simply changing?

Also, my H tells me literally one minute that he wants a divorce and the next minute that he doesn't.

What I use this board for (and the other boards) is to write down how I'm feeling one particular day, so that I can get it out and really understand why I should stay or why I should go.

My situation, like most, is complicated. And leaving, because I'm married, means divorcing, and I'm not eager to rush into a divorce. It would be my second. In addition, I started a company with my H, so we are business partners, as well.

To leave or to stay is an incredibly difficult decision. My T has told me that she is sure I CAN do what I'm doing, but do I WANT to? And I don't know.

Hence, I'm undecided. And if I do vent about my H it's because I can't vent to him. I can't even easily disagree about where furniture should be placed without his interpreting that as disrespectful and dreadful and meaning I don't love him.

If I can vent on this board, maybe I can stay. Then again, by venting and then examining what I've written, maybe I'll realize I don't want to stay.

Does that help explain why I'm here? (When I'm feeling more positive, I post on the Staying board, and when I'm feeling rotten, I post on the Disengaging, and when my H tells me he wants a divorce, I post on the Divorcing board -- covering all bases, I guess.)

BC
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« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2009, 10:56:35 AM »

I haven't been posting much lately because I'm kind of in that limbo between staying and leaving. I've been trying to use the skills they talk about in staying and I've gone a long way in not making things worse. I am enternally grateful to the experts over there because things like validating are useful no matter who you're dealing with. All the improvements in my life have all happened because of the hard look I took at myself. I am much more comfortable than I was when I first learned about BP 2 years ago. My uBPH though, has not really changed at all. He still believes just about everything is all my fault. That could change, he could take himself off to therapy but it doesn't seem likely. But even if he did I wonder if we're just not compatable. I am not really undecided, I think in order to have the life want I have to leave. I can't right now for practical reasons.

So I haven't been posting much because since I don't believe I can make things better (only not as bad). I don't want to come across as someone who just complains what a pain their BP is without doing anything about it.
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« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2009, 04:59:54 PM »

This is my experience: Trying to dodge the barbs of someone not treating you very well is exhausting. Never knowing when or how bad it will be produces a lot of anxiety which is very unhealthy. My BPDh committed to therapy and still goes. He hasn't done what the therapist suggests and even when I repeat something SHE said for me to say, it barely slows him down and always makes him mad. This is who he is and will always be at 61. No different than he was at 31 except there are no threats made to me unless you count his threat to start throwing things if I ask one more question.

Who I will be during my retirement years and how many negative experiences I'll have with him depends on me being around him or not. He doesn't expect his repeated hateful behaviors to cause him any inconveniences, much less, trouble. Listening to him complain about me is the best proof that he cannot think logically nor keep his promises. I think he needs to be angry at someone because he feels bad inside and needs to assign blame, so it does not matter how nice you are. I've tried that, too. His therapist said he doesn't see that I'm not the one who has made him feel bad or burned.

Practical matters, sharing parts of life that still seemed good and creating activities that I enjoyed with other people used to be enough. It wasn't a normal marriage, but I was doing the normal things wives and mothers do and ignoring the crazy behavior while I waited for the apologies that always followed.

So, you'll have to decide when there are not enough positive experiences to compensate for his presence in the home and the emotional damage that could be done to you. I stopped caring about him a very long time ago, didn't go looking for someone else because I liked my life, family, job and home somehow. I was told these are typical thoughts of someone who is a victim of abuse of any kind from a spouse or SO. We just want the emotional abuse to end and everything else stay the same. Of course it does not end (usually), and this can go on so long that you are faced with spending your retirement years with him. Bad deal.

Don't be afraid of divorcing again! It is very, very common now and is far better than being miserable and mistreated. But, I was affected me the same way because I'd had two divorces 7 yrs apart. I feared a third. What I should have done after two divorces was not to marry again the next time the thought crossed my mind. You can decide about this or you could meet someone as kind as you and be very happy the next time. There are lots of options when you are free to decide for yourself. Having zero choices is what happens when you depend on someone who isn't a responsible person able to make good decisions. Don't penalize yourself would be my advice, since you asked, and I'm working very hard on financial needs and finding a way out for myself. My cousin is helping me and it just takes one person who cares about you.

AB
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« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2009, 06:51:30 PM »

Glad that this is getting people to think!

Anyways has anyone thought that it is not a commitment which board you post in? That you can change your mind whenever you want to? That it is normal and totally ok to do this? I did. I went from staying to leaving and back to staying.

I totally respect and get what you guys are saying. The only thing I still have heard back about is the skills, time outs, boundaries and validation. How do you think undecided may hinder or help your use of these? Remember boundaries are for US and using these are helpful to you no matter if you stay or are undecided (leaving folks need time outs and boundaries also). Thanks for the great replies and sorry for the knot in your stomach  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2009, 07:51:40 PM »

Boundaries, time outs and validation are good skills to learn even if you're lucky enough to have never come across a BP.  Not everybody gets that, so it's a good question. It's hard to grasp what validation in particular really means. I know I thought it meant placating. I've done my best to use these in dealing with my BP. He still doesn't see any reason why he should change.
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« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2009, 11:35:07 PM »

Another thought on this as I think back to time I've spent on both staying and leaving... .

On staying I felt out of place because I couldn't care about the relationship the way that most do there.   

On leaving, I felt out of place because I still cared some. 

Undecided lets me care some, but doesn't try to make me care more than I am able to right now, or more than is actually healthy for me right now.  It lets me care just enough for where I am at in my journey. 

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« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2009, 09:06:33 AM »

Excerpt
Lastly, don't forget, that though the most common options are staying and working on it or leaving, there is the option of simply reclaiming our own life again while still physically with the our BPD spouse.  There is tremendous freedom in just "letting go" - the old serenity prayer thing.  That is where I am at right now, and it is 100% better than where I was ten years ago, although to a casual observer it may not seem like my situation is much different now than it was then.

I'm with Christy2 on this - I began the exercise by only giving myself the stay/go option, then I realized this other option that Christy2 speaks of, which is to stay but change yourself significantly in the process. To stop managing to your BPD partner. It's not working on the relationship, for me, so much as working on myself. Creating boundaries for myself, stopping caring about her reactions to things, getting myself stronger, all of this is a lot of work that really has very little to do with my wife, a lot to do with me. In the 18 years I've been with my wife, 80% of those years I had devoted to the pursuit of her happiness and meeting of her needs in the misguided notion that she would actually become happy and "normal". The equilibrium was totally off kilter. I'm only now learning, and have to remind myself daily in truth, to consider myself more. Just yesterday,a quiet day as the weather killed our plans, I had to stop myself from worrying about how disappointed she was going to be because the weather killed our plans. I had nothing to do with it, obviously, can't control the weather, but I still had lingering feelings of responsibility for it (yes, a co-dependent response - more than a few on here have BPD partners that exploit any co-dependent tendencies. My wife latched on to mine with aplomb), mostly around a long-time conditioned response where she will bemoan the breakdown of plans and look to me to fix it (if you loved me, you'd make it better, she would say), as well as on my part to want to avoid her plummeting mood when something like that happens. I caught myself, knew that bad mood was coming but told myself to let it go, she can have her bad mood (hard thing, that, to be so good at knowing disaster is coming and yet choose to do nothing about it).

This is (I think) what Christy2 means by reclaiming. I have 3 kids who I feel at this point are better served by my keeping the family together than splitting up. I can't say that it'll be forever (really just don't know), but I can say I've found a way to make it work. But if you've found that middle ground, not "limbo" but more of a less-than-ideal-but-better-than-the-alternative-for-all-involved situation, you do need to spend time in both undecided and staying. Undecided can get to be too much, the drumbeat to dump them can get loud at times (you're wasting your life!), but staying can likewise get one-sided, at times it can feel like people are encouraged to have a bottomless pit of acceptance (save for physical harm) delivered via the immunizing wand of validation, and it can feel as though you're selling yourself out. They're great folks over there and give great advice, but I always end up feeling like I must not love my partner as much as they do theirs.

There's no perfect spot for people like me on here, as a result. So I go to both places. There almost needs to be a "staying for now while I get stronger and then we'll see what happens" board, that would suit me about right, but perhaps that's just too much of a niche... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

HOH
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« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2009, 12:43:12 AM »

I have been kind of moving around a lot over my time here... .I introduced as a newbie on the newcomer board and then I think as typical I entered in crises mode so I hung around on Undecided as well as spending a lot of time on the self reflections and workshop/article areas.  There have been more than once time I 'broke up' or left my BPDbf with the hope or thought that the break should or would be for good. 

Based on re-engagements and the like I would allow myself to test the waters slowly... .sometimes moving back to undecided, and then eventually I fully engaged again and I firmly planted myself on the staying board when I'm in that place.  When I feel dastardly deeds have been done that require that leave, I sort of move around the boards a little... .I have contacts and moderators on Staying that I like to keep up with and get advice from even if I'm really Undecided.  I really kind of move around alot... .hopefully that is okay to do... .mostly I'm reading other posts, becasue I find the posts from all perspectives to be VERY enlightening. 

I have spent the least time on Leaving... .but I peek from time to time... .I think they have some very important things to say given where they are currently at and I like to keep myself open to all sides.  I have posted there when I was trying to make a break permanent.  So I move around a lot on this website, there is so much good insight from all perspectives.  Once when I was infuriated with my bf and was on the Leaving board... .I took a peek at the Staying Board and a gal was going through something similar only it sounded even more horrendous... .and I came out full tilt with a 'you should get out of there' attitude... .and then realized... .hey she is on the Staying board for a reason and I need to back off.  Oh well, slow learner that I am... .I dont' do that anymore.  But other than being sensitive to what folks are trying to accomplish on the various boards... .I figured it was fine to move around for all perspectives.   Undecided is definately a God send and needed place/space here ... .it provides an invaluable service.
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« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2009, 08:19:32 AM »

Christy2 and holdingouthope,

Thanx for the clarity and eloquence of your posts! Smiling (click to insert in post) I believe you have hit the nail on the head with your comments, and if we are taking votes on the "staying for now while I get stronger and then we'll see what happens" board, I'm in  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

hoh, I share your need to "wander" from board to board depending on the where I am emotionally or what's going on. It appears that the more I learn here on the boards, the more I realize I don't know  ?  

konstant.

I second kostant's post, you guys put that so well. And Christy my friend, good to hear from you! It is especially true for me that it make look as if my life is no different then it was before I knew about BP but it's miles better. 
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« Reply #18 on: June 16, 2009, 11:31:09 AM »

But most people who are undecided are with their partners right now, and many hope that something will change and they can stay together... . I firmly believe that, if you are still with your parter and you are even a little hopeful (and he/she isn't violent towards you or your kids) that it would be best for those people to at least read at the Staying board and learn all of the techniques of communication, validation, radical acceptance and all of the rest.  If you find yourself complaining about your spouse and feeling hopelessly stuck in the relationship, it can't hurt to try to learn better techniques of dealing with that person.  That's what the Staying board is about... .It's for people who are not leaving and are still hopeful that something can change and they can stay together.

One thing that you don't want to do is spend years complaining vs. really working on yourselves... .to either try to improve the relationship or to help themselves to leave or to become stronger, more emotionally healthy individuals.  Everybody works through the confusion at their own pace...    but when does "working through the confusion" turn into something less healthy?  A refuge for a few weeks or months while people try to understand what their options are and how they got here... .well, that's really the purpose of the undecided board.
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« Reply #19 on: June 17, 2009, 09:15:34 PM »

I stayed because I was afraid to leave. Then I left because I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed any longer.

What would happen to me, and most importantly, my children.
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« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2009, 09:25:15 PM »

Also when you first come here there is soo much information, and it is good to be mindful that the compulsion to make huge life-changing decisions snap! snap! snap! can be an anxiety fuelled behaviour in its own right. I think it is more than Ok to let the new information sink in, let your mind take a backseat for a while and let life unfold without the pressing urgency of "gotta do this, have to do that". Make decisions from a place of more serenity.

(Ok I admit I just got back from my psych and she took me through a relaxation technique Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! So I'm feeling a tad 'harmonious'
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« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2009, 08:54:32 AM »

Also when you first come here there is soo much information, and it is good to be mindful that the compulsion to make huge life-changing decisions snap! snap! snap! can be an anxiety fuelled behaviour in its own right. I think it is more than Ok to let the new information sink in, let your mind take a backseat for a while and let life unfold without the pressing urgency of "gotta do this, have to do that". Make decisions from a place of more serenity.

(Ok I admit I just got back from my psych and she took me through a relaxation technique Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! So I'm feeling a tad 'harmonious'

Great point, Jade. I know in my case I'm changing my whole perspective on life. And not just as it relates to my BP. It'll take a while for it all to settle.
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« Reply #22 on: June 19, 2009, 10:30:11 AM »

If it was only that easy to leave.  Yes in a way it is a way to vent, a way to connect with othere people who are feeling or living the same way you are.  A lot of us have lives and children tied up in our BPs... .we don't want to leave, we don't want to give up, we don't want to say good-bye to the dreams we had.  The undecided board IS A GREAT WAY to VENT as you say.  I'm not offended, but I hope u can understand not everyone has a cut and dry notion in life.  That is a point we have to reach ourselves as we grow.  Living with my BPfiance has been a rollercoaster ride from day 1, I have thought about leaving several times and I have decided to stay several times.  Right now I have been posting to the Staying board, but I may change my mind again... .I have that right, as does anyone here.  I am here to hear other stories, learn from their experiences, learn about the illness and if I decide I can't do it anymore or don't want to work on it anymore... .I will leave.  But that is not a decision I want to jump into... .I LOVE MY FIANCE VERY MUCH! At some point or another I have to make a decision, but until that point... .I get strenghth, comfort, hope, information from ALL OF THE WONDERFUL people on this site who are living the same life... .Normal people can't understand what it is like living with a BP... .the hold they can have on us... .SO KEEP ON POSTING TO THIS SITE, maybe it is a place we want to complain about our BP's, but to alot of us... .THAT IS THE STRENGHTH WE NEED TO GET UP IN THE MORNING.  If you feel comfortable being in and out and you know what you can and can not take,  then by all means don't come to this board.  No offense.
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rr49
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« Reply #23 on: September 16, 2009, 05:55:22 PM »

For me, it's all of these. I still do love my BPDgf, and she says she'll go to therapy so I have some hope for progress. I'm also not ready to move out of our shared apartment, although maybe that's due to not having enough energy.

Excerpt
I think I feel a bit of all these things but when does the abuse and chaos trump all the others?.  I'm so conflicted.  I don't know if I even love my bdh most of the time.  It's hard to feel anything but hurt and resentment when he spews some of the insults and garbage at me.  I find it interesting about myself that before I met him I would have sent any guy packing if he had called me the names my H has called me.  I seriously question why my line in the sand keeps moving.  Why do I tolerate more and more abuse?.  Where is that person I was 8 years ago?  Why do I stay?  Where is the benefit for me?



This is exactly how I feel too. Before my gf I would never have let anyone call me the names she calls me, or hit me, or anything like that. I think part of the problem with being a non in a BPD relationship is that the way they attack you at first is kind of... .subtle. You think that you're the one who's being crazy, not them. You can kind of see their point. And then it just gets crazier and crazier from there and you've been sucked in, and presumably are in love with them, making it that much more difficult.

Excerpt
Are the sane times worth it?

Once you figure that out, you're no longer undecided  

Excerpt
I'm just wondering how you know when you are done?

I don't know... .so many times I've said to myself "I'm done! This is OVER" and then in the end nothing has changed.

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trying2stay

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« Reply #24 on: September 16, 2009, 06:20:47 PM »

Good question,

For me, it is exhaustion mixed with financial ruin and isolation. I literally have nowhere to run to... .no friends, no family.

For me, this is about getting help to see his behaviour for what it is - and my therapist is excellent in re-wiring my brain  Smiling (click to insert in post) You don't realise how much damage they have done until you get reality checks from an objective source.

Then it is about getting my self confidence back and getting a plan together to protect myself from any further damage.

Once that is done, I will be in a good position to either stay or leave. I'm not sure anymore whether love comes into it. It feels more like a fight for survival.

trying2stay
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August
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What is your relationship status with them: married
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« Reply #25 on: September 18, 2009, 07:27:10 AM »

I have two kids with my BPDw, and I want out, but when I read the divorce board it scares the hell out of me. Having my kids part time, them being alone with her, and me still having to be attached to her. Lawyers around here won't even consider sole custody. Its very confusing. If I didn't have kids I would have been long gone years ago. I pratice everything I have learned to make it easier to live together and still look for a way out!
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Christy2
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« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2009, 12:04:05 PM »

Why, why do I plan anything?  Why does he always threaten me with not going at the last minute so I either am out money or try to make nice so we can follow through with our plans? 

Because, as the scriptures say, "love hopes all things."  So we keep hoping that maybe, maybe we have finally found normalcy, only to have it dashed to pieces again.  Had we been married to a healthy person, I can't help but think that all those efforts would have contributed to an awesome marriage! 

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eeyore
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« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2009, 01:13:30 AM »

I see the good in him.  Then I look at his circumstances to see if it's possible that some introspection on the events in his life will help him move on.  He never gets to the point of me feeling like there would be any violence.  He's a better wife than any man I've ever known.  Very meticulous, works very smart, has moments of kindness and compassion that are most heartfelt.  I see how really bad many here have experiences with.  Mine has done some horrible things to me and there's no excuse for it.  But that's what keeps me in the relationship and on the fence for much of the time.  That's my ramblings. 

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briefcase
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« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2009, 10:20:14 AM »

Even though I am currently "staying" and actively working on the relationship, I am also undecided because my efforts are to test whether the relationship can be improved.  I have been through much verbal and emotional abuse over the last 15 years.  I had reached the breaking point and could no longer live with it.  At times I was just positive that the marriage would have to end eventually.  But time and again, something held me back. 

After a lot of soul searching, I decided that what kept me undecided was a feeling that I had not yet tried everything to improve the relationship.  I had endured a lot, demonstrated too much patience over the years.  I had grown resentful and felt empty.  Over the years, I kept silent about a lot of issues that bothered me, I avoided things because of my fear of confrontation with my wife.  I felt like I owed her an opportunity to grow, and that I had to give her that opportunity by actually telling her about my feelings and reality.  What she does with that opportunity is entirely up to her. 

I am still undecided, but if things don't work out, I'll know I did everything in my power to try to improve the relationship. Inch by inch, things have gotten a little better.  Time will tell.

--BC

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Seattle98105

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« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2009, 01:15:41 PM »

I'm new to this board but am already finding it extremely comforting as I go through this difficult time. 

For me, I am in the "undecided" category because I still hold out hope that things can get better.  My story in a nutshell is as follows.  My partner of 8 years and I started going to couples therapy in December 08 for what seemed like "garden variety" issues after the birth of our child (now 2 years old)--lack of intimacy/sex, little time for one another, etc.  Through that process, the therapist identified what she describes as some very "classic" BPD traits in my partner (black and white thinking being the biggest offender).  Also, during that time, my partner cheated on me and lied about it until I found out on my own by reading her email.  We have since separated and she has continued to see the person she cheated with (who, it so happens, is married with 2 kids but is in an "open" marriage).  She claims she has no feelings for this person, that it is all about sexual satisfaction, etc., but I know they communicate on a regular basis by email and phone. 

My partner has acknolwedged how "F'd" up she is (although she is unaware of the "BPD" label--our therapist has only shared that part with me) and has begun therapy on her own two times a week.  She repeats over and over again that she knows her behavior has been reckless and hurtful to the person she loves most in the world (me!), but that, as of yet, she doesn't know how to not act the way she's been acting.  She wants me to give her a chance to at least begin with the cognitive therapy work during what we have initially set as a three month separation. 

What she has done to me in the past few months (the cheating and lying) is what otherwise would be unforgiveable behavior.  But, for right or for wrong, I am able to see that her actions are caused by the BPD--not by her desire to hurt me.  And given her seemingly sincere interest in really CHANGING, I am holding out hope that we can work through this.  Oddly, our relationship prior to the birth of our son was really quite loving and whole and not at all tumultuous.  It seems as though the "stress" of having a child is what pushed her BPD traits into high gear. 

I'm interested in knowing whether anyone else has had a similar experience, i.e., a seemingly "healthy" long term relationship that was suddenly turned upside down, after which time the BPD has committed to serious therapy in the hope of changing.

Thanks for listening.  I wish all of you the best of luck in making this very difficult decision.

JP
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