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Poll
Question: Which one reason is the MOST SIGNIFICANT reason that you are undecided/conflicted about your relationship future??
Analyzing – going through “Making a Decision” steps
Love them / they are not fully committed to relationship
Love them / they are pulling away
Love them / they are cheating, physically abusive, or stealing
Love them / they left, not sure what is next
Love them / the relationship is unhealthy
Relationship is both good and bad
Waiting – for them to improve or get worse
Not sure -  about becoming an emotional leader/caretaker
Not sure -  about downgrading lifestyle, house, financial security
Not sure -  about being on my own
Religious conflicts
Concerned about children, custody, shared parenting
Not strong enough to leave
Cannot financially survive if I leave
Other

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Why are you "conflicted" about your relationship?  (Read 17298 times)
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« on: June 10, 2009, 09:42:29 PM »

Excerpt
A fire breaks out in your home. You stand before the flames.
 
“Should I get the fire extinguisher and fight it? Should I grab my photo album and run?”
 
You stand there - you can't decide.
 
Not making a decision is a decision in and of itself.

Making a decision to stay or leave a relationship with a person suspected of suffering from BPD or with BPD traits is a often a difficult decision... .if it wasn't, we wouldn't be "undecided."
 
Conflicting priorities, or conflicting emotions, and /or fear are most often the reasons we are undecided. Often we are trapped in our own inability to make the sacrifice and get behind it.
 
So, why are you undecided, conflicted about your relationship?
 
Skippy
See list of all romantic relationship surveys

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ifsogirl26
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« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2009, 09:44:17 PM »

Are you still living with your spouse? Are you working on things? Are you learning to validate, take time outs and work on yourself?

If not, are you just in limbo? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting it all to magically get better? Being on leaving or staying gives you tools. I feel like people on undecided are just bidding time and venting how horrible your spouse is treating you. Forgive me if I am wrong but I am not seeing people trying to make it better.

To me I am all in or all out.

If you want to stay why not talk with people who are learning skills to connect with their BPDso?

If you want to disengage then talk to people who are leaving.

I just don't understand - is undecided just a venting board?
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« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2009, 10:04:31 PM »

But surely there is a time period where you are weighing up to go or not? That's a very difficult time, can I dare say it, a process?

Sure if someone is on this board for years undecided that might be something to look at, but for myself I had never considered seriously leaving having been with my partner from 17 til 31. Heck I'm not even married nor religious and I obviously had the whole 'til death do us part' going on in my head. Working through severe co-dependent issues as well. I've had to take an unflinching look at myself (didn't like a lot of what I saw Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)), see what part I have played, whether the relationship could/should/do I really want it to be salvaged.

I've decided to leave and we have seperated, but it sometimes doesn't just BOOM happen. Reaching out to others on the undecided is a great thing IMO. Friends, family etc will just be like "GO", but even if you realise the love is a bit sick it still HURTS to go and you aren't sure.

ha ha I don't think anyone will be insulted - it's good to try to understand others and question things.
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« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2009, 10:11:16 PM »

So its not so undecided as it is "I am not ready to actually leave?"

It just seems that no one from undecided moves to staying but they do move to leaving. I know that it is SO SO hard to leave, if there is a chance though I feel like you need to learn the skills and although the moderators do chime in and try to get the ideas of boundaries and validation and time outs I keep looking but I don't see examples of people correctly using these skills. It takes practice.
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« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2009, 11:39:30 PM »

Undecided is a weigh station of sorts.  I know for myself, back in the day, I was waiting to see (while we both went to therapy and were working on our own issues) if things would change, enough and fast enough, for a healthy, happy relationship to be possible. 

A lot of people come here that aren't educated in the disease or our own role in it yet. 

I do agree that it takes real work to decide whether to go to Staying or Leaving, and significant insight in ourselves.  That does have to happen at some point.  And movement up, down and over can happen multiple times sometimes.  Nothing in life is written in stone. 

Foiles


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« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2009, 07:24:28 AM »

I am here because after having been with my H for over 6 years I just learned about this mental illness one month ago and am trying to figure out what I want to do next!

As it was said above, I am doing lots of reading, trying to validate to see if there is improvement and see if improvement of the relationship is possible if not I will move to the leaving board over the next few months I guess.

Meanwhile, this is really helpful in getting to making a decision - separation and divorce are not easy decisions to take... .
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« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2009, 02:14:42 PM »

I am "undecided" because I have just recently learned of the disease after being married to it for over 18 years. 

Now I know what I am going to do, but only based on decisions that my BPDw will make.  After being threatened with divorce for the past 2 years, as soon as I gave in and said OK, then she pulled divorce off the table.  Now I am giving her an ultimatum (after 18 years, this is only the second time I have given an ultimatum).  She can either go to counseling with me to help the marriage, or it will be divorce.  If she does accept counseling, then I will re-evaluate her effort and progress.
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« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2009, 02:57:30 PM »

Excerpt
That does have to happen at some point.  And movement up, down and over can happen multiple times sometimes.  Nothing in life is written in stone.

well put foilies.

also, no situation is the same as another. we are all dealing with different patterns of behaviors in ourselves, a well as different shades and levels of severity in our significant others. ALOT has to be accounted for. remember, people posting on this forum vary in age, maturity, length of time spent in the R, levels of commitment. many members have children with their BPDSO, and many are married. others, hypothetically speaking, may have experienced 8-12 months of pure bliss followed by the onset of BPD chaos. they could be uncertain whether or not the previous weeks or months of hell were truly BPD or just a strange phase. they may be venting and trying to sort through the confusion while hoping and waiting for the bliss to return.

anyway, i can definately respect someone making a decision and going with it, but it's just not always that clean. at one point in my journey i did that, but broke down and restablished contact. now, i don't believe i am capable of ruling my ex out of my life forever, OR recommitting, until we have both done some seriously deep internal work. that work can take a long time.

one more thing... .i've seen a side in my ex that is worth the effort and time, but i've also seen a side that scares me more than i could ever explain. the decision is not easy.

good question

g
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« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2009, 03:00:41 PM »

I am "undecided" because I have just recently learned of the disease after being married to it for over 18 years. 

Now I know what I am going to do, but only based on decisions that my BPDw will make.  After being threatened with divorce for the past 2 years, as soon as I gave in and said OK, then she pulled divorce off the table.  Now I am giving her an ultimatum (after 18 years, this is only the second time I have given an ultimatum).  She can either go to counseling with me to help the marriage, or it will be divorce.  If she does accept counseling, then I will re-evaluate her effort and progress.

Your experience may be different. For me - also after 18 years - things got much worse in the relationship with couples counseling.  Probably because I started to see things much differently and became less and less accepting of abuseive behavior.  However, I got better in the long run.

As for why undecided... .I go back and forth between Staying and Undecided.  Staying often seems like too much work for too little return.  The more I consider leaving - the less she acts out.  (that sixth sense thing).  I want to know that I have done everything possible to get to a relationship that is "comfortable"  I don't know that it will be enough in the end.  I can't do it all - it takes two as we know.  So, while I'm making the effort - if it doesn't result in progress - I know that I will go.  I guess that makes me undecided.  I just don't know right now... .

Make sense?  ?

Peace & Meta
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« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2009, 06:13:48 PM »

I'm on 'undecided' because that is what I really am: Undecided.

One day, I think I can change who I am and establish firm boundaries and disengage when things are rough, and then the next day, my H grabs my wrist and rips my book in half and I think - this is abusive, how will that change by my simply changing?

Also, my H tells me literally one minute that he wants a divorce and the next minute that he doesn't.

What I use this board for (and the other boards) is to write down how I'm feeling one particular day, so that I can get it out and really understand why I should stay or why I should go.

My situation, like most, is complicated. And leaving, because I'm married, means divorcing, and I'm not eager to rush into a divorce. It would be my second. In addition, I started a company with my H, so we are business partners, as well.

To leave or to stay is an incredibly difficult decision. My T has told me that she is sure I CAN do what I'm doing, but do I WANT to? And I don't know.

Hence, I'm undecided. And if I do vent about my H it's because I can't vent to him. I can't even easily disagree about where furniture should be placed without his interpreting that as disrespectful and dreadful and meaning I don't love him.

If I can vent on this board, maybe I can stay. Then again, by venting and then examining what I've written, maybe I'll realize I don't want to stay.

Does that help explain why I'm here? (When I'm feeling more positive, I post on the Staying board, and when I'm feeling rotten, I post on the Disengaging, and when my H tells me he wants a divorce, I post on the Divorcing board -- covering all bases, I guess.)

BC
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« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2009, 10:56:35 AM »

I haven't been posting much lately because I'm kind of in that limbo between staying and leaving. I've been trying to use the skills they talk about in staying and I've gone a long way in not making things worse. I am enternally grateful to the experts over there because things like validating are useful no matter who you're dealing with. All the improvements in my life have all happened because of the hard look I took at myself. I am much more comfortable than I was when I first learned about BP 2 years ago. My uBPH though, has not really changed at all. He still believes just about everything is all my fault. That could change, he could take himself off to therapy but it doesn't seem likely. But even if he did I wonder if we're just not compatable. I am not really undecided, I think in order to have the life want I have to leave. I can't right now for practical reasons.

So I haven't been posting much because since I don't believe I can make things better (only not as bad). I don't want to come across as someone who just complains what a pain their BP is without doing anything about it.
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« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2009, 04:59:54 PM »

This is my experience: Trying to dodge the barbs of someone not treating you very well is exhausting. Never knowing when or how bad it will be produces a lot of anxiety which is very unhealthy. My BPDh committed to therapy and still goes. He hasn't done what the therapist suggests and even when I repeat something SHE said for me to say, it barely slows him down and always makes him mad. This is who he is and will always be at 61. No different than he was at 31 except there are no threats made to me unless you count his threat to start throwing things if I ask one more question.

Who I will be during my retirement years and how many negative experiences I'll have with him depends on me being around him or not. He doesn't expect his repeated hateful behaviors to cause him any inconveniences, much less, trouble. Listening to him complain about me is the best proof that he cannot think logically nor keep his promises. I think he needs to be angry at someone because he feels bad inside and needs to assign blame, so it does not matter how nice you are. I've tried that, too. His therapist said he doesn't see that I'm not the one who has made him feel bad or burned.

Practical matters, sharing parts of life that still seemed good and creating activities that I enjoyed with other people used to be enough. It wasn't a normal marriage, but I was doing the normal things wives and mothers do and ignoring the crazy behavior while I waited for the apologies that always followed.

So, you'll have to decide when there are not enough positive experiences to compensate for his presence in the home and the emotional damage that could be done to you. I stopped caring about him a very long time ago, didn't go looking for someone else because I liked my life, family, job and home somehow. I was told these are typical thoughts of someone who is a victim of abuse of any kind from a spouse or SO. We just want the emotional abuse to end and everything else stay the same. Of course it does not end (usually), and this can go on so long that you are faced with spending your retirement years with him. Bad deal.

Don't be afraid of divorcing again! It is very, very common now and is far better than being miserable and mistreated. But, I was affected me the same way because I'd had two divorces 7 yrs apart. I feared a third. What I should have done after two divorces was not to marry again the next time the thought crossed my mind. You can decide about this or you could meet someone as kind as you and be very happy the next time. There are lots of options when you are free to decide for yourself. Having zero choices is what happens when you depend on someone who isn't a responsible person able to make good decisions. Don't penalize yourself would be my advice, since you asked, and I'm working very hard on financial needs and finding a way out for myself. My cousin is helping me and it just takes one person who cares about you.

AB
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« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2009, 06:51:30 PM »

Glad that this is getting people to think!

Anyways has anyone thought that it is not a commitment which board you post in? That you can change your mind whenever you want to? That it is normal and totally ok to do this? I did. I went from staying to leaving and back to staying.

I totally respect and get what you guys are saying. The only thing I still have heard back about is the skills, time outs, boundaries and validation. How do you think undecided may hinder or help your use of these? Remember boundaries are for US and using these are helpful to you no matter if you stay or are undecided (leaving folks need time outs and boundaries also). Thanks for the great replies and sorry for the knot in your stomach  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2009, 07:51:40 PM »

Boundaries, time outs and validation are good skills to learn even if you're lucky enough to have never come across a BP.  Not everybody gets that, so it's a good question. It's hard to grasp what validation in particular really means. I know I thought it meant placating. I've done my best to use these in dealing with my BP. He still doesn't see any reason why he should change.
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« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2009, 11:35:07 PM »

Another thought on this as I think back to time I've spent on both staying and leaving... .

On staying I felt out of place because I couldn't care about the relationship the way that most do there.   

On leaving, I felt out of place because I still cared some. 

Undecided lets me care some, but doesn't try to make me care more than I am able to right now, or more than is actually healthy for me right now.  It lets me care just enough for where I am at in my journey. 

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« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2009, 09:06:33 AM »

Excerpt
Lastly, don't forget, that though the most common options are staying and working on it or leaving, there is the option of simply reclaiming our own life again while still physically with the our BPD spouse.  There is tremendous freedom in just "letting go" - the old serenity prayer thing.  That is where I am at right now, and it is 100% better than where I was ten years ago, although to a casual observer it may not seem like my situation is much different now than it was then.

I'm with Christy2 on this - I began the exercise by only giving myself the stay/go option, then I realized this other option that Christy2 speaks of, which is to stay but change yourself significantly in the process. To stop managing to your BPD partner. It's not working on the relationship, for me, so much as working on myself. Creating boundaries for myself, stopping caring about her reactions to things, getting myself stronger, all of this is a lot of work that really has very little to do with my wife, a lot to do with me. In the 18 years I've been with my wife, 80% of those years I had devoted to the pursuit of her happiness and meeting of her needs in the misguided notion that she would actually become happy and "normal". The equilibrium was totally off kilter. I'm only now learning, and have to remind myself daily in truth, to consider myself more. Just yesterday,a quiet day as the weather killed our plans, I had to stop myself from worrying about how disappointed she was going to be because the weather killed our plans. I had nothing to do with it, obviously, can't control the weather, but I still had lingering feelings of responsibility for it (yes, a co-dependent response - more than a few on here have BPD partners that exploit any co-dependent tendencies. My wife latched on to mine with aplomb), mostly around a long-time conditioned response where she will bemoan the breakdown of plans and look to me to fix it (if you loved me, you'd make it better, she would say), as well as on my part to want to avoid her plummeting mood when something like that happens. I caught myself, knew that bad mood was coming but told myself to let it go, she can have her bad mood (hard thing, that, to be so good at knowing disaster is coming and yet choose to do nothing about it).

This is (I think) what Christy2 means by reclaiming. I have 3 kids who I feel at this point are better served by my keeping the family together than splitting up. I can't say that it'll be forever (really just don't know), but I can say I've found a way to make it work. But if you've found that middle ground, not "limbo" but more of a less-than-ideal-but-better-than-the-alternative-for-all-involved situation, you do need to spend time in both undecided and staying. Undecided can get to be too much, the drumbeat to dump them can get loud at times (you're wasting your life!), but staying can likewise get one-sided, at times it can feel like people are encouraged to have a bottomless pit of acceptance (save for physical harm) delivered via the immunizing wand of validation, and it can feel as though you're selling yourself out. They're great folks over there and give great advice, but I always end up feeling like I must not love my partner as much as they do theirs.

There's no perfect spot for people like me on here, as a result. So I go to both places. There almost needs to be a "staying for now while I get stronger and then we'll see what happens" board, that would suit me about right, but perhaps that's just too much of a niche... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

HOH
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« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2009, 12:43:12 AM »

I have been kind of moving around a lot over my time here... .I introduced as a newbie on the newcomer board and then I think as typical I entered in crises mode so I hung around on Undecided as well as spending a lot of time on the self reflections and workshop/article areas.  There have been more than once time I 'broke up' or left my BPDbf with the hope or thought that the break should or would be for good. 

Based on re-engagements and the like I would allow myself to test the waters slowly... .sometimes moving back to undecided, and then eventually I fully engaged again and I firmly planted myself on the staying board when I'm in that place.  When I feel dastardly deeds have been done that require that leave, I sort of move around the boards a little... .I have contacts and moderators on Staying that I like to keep up with and get advice from even if I'm really Undecided.  I really kind of move around alot... .hopefully that is okay to do... .mostly I'm reading other posts, becasue I find the posts from all perspectives to be VERY enlightening. 

I have spent the least time on Leaving... .but I peek from time to time... .I think they have some very important things to say given where they are currently at and I like to keep myself open to all sides.  I have posted there when I was trying to make a break permanent.  So I move around a lot on this website, there is so much good insight from all perspectives.  Once when I was infuriated with my bf and was on the Leaving board... .I took a peek at the Staying Board and a gal was going through something similar only it sounded even more horrendous... .and I came out full tilt with a 'you should get out of there' attitude... .and then realized... .hey she is on the Staying board for a reason and I need to back off.  Oh well, slow learner that I am... .I dont' do that anymore.  But other than being sensitive to what folks are trying to accomplish on the various boards... .I figured it was fine to move around for all perspectives.   Undecided is definately a God send and needed place/space here ... .it provides an invaluable service.
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« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2009, 08:19:32 AM »

Christy2 and holdingouthope,

Thanx for the clarity and eloquence of your posts! Smiling (click to insert in post) I believe you have hit the nail on the head with your comments, and if we are taking votes on the "staying for now while I get stronger and then we'll see what happens" board, I'm in  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

hoh, I share your need to "wander" from board to board depending on the where I am emotionally or what's going on. It appears that the more I learn here on the boards, the more I realize I don't know  ?  

konstant.

I second kostant's post, you guys put that so well. And Christy my friend, good to hear from you! It is especially true for me that it make look as if my life is no different then it was before I knew about BP but it's miles better. 
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« Reply #18 on: June 16, 2009, 11:31:09 AM »

But most people who are undecided are with their partners right now, and many hope that something will change and they can stay together... . I firmly believe that, if you are still with your parter and you are even a little hopeful (and he/she isn't violent towards you or your kids) that it would be best for those people to at least read at the Staying board and learn all of the techniques of communication, validation, radical acceptance and all of the rest.  If you find yourself complaining about your spouse and feeling hopelessly stuck in the relationship, it can't hurt to try to learn better techniques of dealing with that person.  That's what the Staying board is about... .It's for people who are not leaving and are still hopeful that something can change and they can stay together.

One thing that you don't want to do is spend years complaining vs. really working on yourselves... .to either try to improve the relationship or to help themselves to leave or to become stronger, more emotionally healthy individuals.  Everybody works through the confusion at their own pace...    but when does "working through the confusion" turn into something less healthy?  A refuge for a few weeks or months while people try to understand what their options are and how they got here... .well, that's really the purpose of the undecided board.
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« Reply #19 on: June 17, 2009, 09:15:34 PM »

I stayed because I was afraid to leave. Then I left because I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed any longer.

What would happen to me, and most importantly, my children.
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« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2009, 09:25:15 PM »

Also when you first come here there is soo much information, and it is good to be mindful that the compulsion to make huge life-changing decisions snap! snap! snap! can be an anxiety fuelled behaviour in its own right. I think it is more than Ok to let the new information sink in, let your mind take a backseat for a while and let life unfold without the pressing urgency of "gotta do this, have to do that". Make decisions from a place of more serenity.

(Ok I admit I just got back from my psych and she took me through a relaxation technique Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! So I'm feeling a tad 'harmonious'
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« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2009, 08:54:32 AM »

Also when you first come here there is soo much information, and it is good to be mindful that the compulsion to make huge life-changing decisions snap! snap! snap! can be an anxiety fuelled behaviour in its own right. I think it is more than Ok to let the new information sink in, let your mind take a backseat for a while and let life unfold without the pressing urgency of "gotta do this, have to do that". Make decisions from a place of more serenity.

(Ok I admit I just got back from my psych and she took me through a relaxation technique Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)! So I'm feeling a tad 'harmonious'

Great point, Jade. I know in my case I'm changing my whole perspective on life. And not just as it relates to my BP. It'll take a while for it all to settle.
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« Reply #22 on: June 19, 2009, 10:30:11 AM »

If it was only that easy to leave.  Yes in a way it is a way to vent, a way to connect with othere people who are feeling or living the same way you are.  A lot of us have lives and children tied up in our BPs... .we don't want to leave, we don't want to give up, we don't want to say good-bye to the dreams we had.  The undecided board IS A GREAT WAY to VENT as you say.  I'm not offended, but I hope u can understand not everyone has a cut and dry notion in life.  That is a point we have to reach ourselves as we grow.  Living with my BPfiance has been a rollercoaster ride from day 1, I have thought about leaving several times and I have decided to stay several times.  Right now I have been posting to the Staying board, but I may change my mind again... .I have that right, as does anyone here.  I am here to hear other stories, learn from their experiences, learn about the illness and if I decide I can't do it anymore or don't want to work on it anymore... .I will leave.  But that is not a decision I want to jump into... .I LOVE MY FIANCE VERY MUCH! At some point or another I have to make a decision, but until that point... .I get strenghth, comfort, hope, information from ALL OF THE WONDERFUL people on this site who are living the same life... .Normal people can't understand what it is like living with a BP... .the hold they can have on us... .SO KEEP ON POSTING TO THIS SITE, maybe it is a place we want to complain about our BP's, but to alot of us... .THAT IS THE STRENGHTH WE NEED TO GET UP IN THE MORNING.  If you feel comfortable being in and out and you know what you can and can not take,  then by all means don't come to this board.  No offense.
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« Reply #23 on: September 16, 2009, 05:55:22 PM »

For me, it's all of these. I still do love my BPDgf, and she says she'll go to therapy so I have some hope for progress. I'm also not ready to move out of our shared apartment, although maybe that's due to not having enough energy.

Excerpt
I think I feel a bit of all these things but when does the abuse and chaos trump all the others?.  I'm so conflicted.  I don't know if I even love my bdh most of the time.  It's hard to feel anything but hurt and resentment when he spews some of the insults and garbage at me.  I find it interesting about myself that before I met him I would have sent any guy packing if he had called me the names my H has called me.  I seriously question why my line in the sand keeps moving.  Why do I tolerate more and more abuse?.  Where is that person I was 8 years ago?  Why do I stay?  Where is the benefit for me?



This is exactly how I feel too. Before my gf I would never have let anyone call me the names she calls me, or hit me, or anything like that. I think part of the problem with being a non in a BPD relationship is that the way they attack you at first is kind of... .subtle. You think that you're the one who's being crazy, not them. You can kind of see their point. And then it just gets crazier and crazier from there and you've been sucked in, and presumably are in love with them, making it that much more difficult.

Excerpt
Are the sane times worth it?

Once you figure that out, you're no longer undecided  

Excerpt
I'm just wondering how you know when you are done?

I don't know... .so many times I've said to myself "I'm done! This is OVER" and then in the end nothing has changed.

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trying2stay

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« Reply #24 on: September 16, 2009, 06:20:47 PM »

Good question,

For me, it is exhaustion mixed with financial ruin and isolation. I literally have nowhere to run to... .no friends, no family.

For me, this is about getting help to see his behaviour for what it is - and my therapist is excellent in re-wiring my brain  Smiling (click to insert in post) You don't realise how much damage they have done until you get reality checks from an objective source.

Then it is about getting my self confidence back and getting a plan together to protect myself from any further damage.

Once that is done, I will be in a good position to either stay or leave. I'm not sure anymore whether love comes into it. It feels more like a fight for survival.

trying2stay
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« Reply #25 on: September 18, 2009, 07:27:10 AM »

I have two kids with my BPDw, and I want out, but when I read the divorce board it scares the hell out of me. Having my kids part time, them being alone with her, and me still having to be attached to her. Lawyers around here won't even consider sole custody. Its very confusing. If I didn't have kids I would have been long gone years ago. I pratice everything I have learned to make it easier to live together and still look for a way out!
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« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2009, 12:04:05 PM »

Why, why do I plan anything?  Why does he always threaten me with not going at the last minute so I either am out money or try to make nice so we can follow through with our plans? 

Because, as the scriptures say, "love hopes all things."  So we keep hoping that maybe, maybe we have finally found normalcy, only to have it dashed to pieces again.  Had we been married to a healthy person, I can't help but think that all those efforts would have contributed to an awesome marriage! 

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« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2009, 01:13:30 AM »

I see the good in him.  Then I look at his circumstances to see if it's possible that some introspection on the events in his life will help him move on.  He never gets to the point of me feeling like there would be any violence.  He's a better wife than any man I've ever known.  Very meticulous, works very smart, has moments of kindness and compassion that are most heartfelt.  I see how really bad many here have experiences with.  Mine has done some horrible things to me and there's no excuse for it.  But that's what keeps me in the relationship and on the fence for much of the time.  That's my ramblings. 

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« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2009, 10:20:14 AM »

Even though I am currently "staying" and actively working on the relationship, I am also undecided because my efforts are to test whether the relationship can be improved.  I have been through much verbal and emotional abuse over the last 15 years.  I had reached the breaking point and could no longer live with it.  At times I was just positive that the marriage would have to end eventually.  But time and again, something held me back. 

After a lot of soul searching, I decided that what kept me undecided was a feeling that I had not yet tried everything to improve the relationship.  I had endured a lot, demonstrated too much patience over the years.  I had grown resentful and felt empty.  Over the years, I kept silent about a lot of issues that bothered me, I avoided things because of my fear of confrontation with my wife.  I felt like I owed her an opportunity to grow, and that I had to give her that opportunity by actually telling her about my feelings and reality.  What she does with that opportunity is entirely up to her. 

I am still undecided, but if things don't work out, I'll know I did everything in my power to try to improve the relationship. Inch by inch, things have gotten a little better.  Time will tell.

--BC

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« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2009, 01:15:41 PM »

I'm new to this board but am already finding it extremely comforting as I go through this difficult time. 

For me, I am in the "undecided" category because I still hold out hope that things can get better.  My story in a nutshell is as follows.  My partner of 8 years and I started going to couples therapy in December 08 for what seemed like "garden variety" issues after the birth of our child (now 2 years old)--lack of intimacy/sex, little time for one another, etc.  Through that process, the therapist identified what she describes as some very "classic" BPD traits in my partner (black and white thinking being the biggest offender).  Also, during that time, my partner cheated on me and lied about it until I found out on my own by reading her email.  We have since separated and she has continued to see the person she cheated with (who, it so happens, is married with 2 kids but is in an "open" marriage).  She claims she has no feelings for this person, that it is all about sexual satisfaction, etc., but I know they communicate on a regular basis by email and phone. 

My partner has acknolwedged how "F'd" up she is (although she is unaware of the "BPD" label--our therapist has only shared that part with me) and has begun therapy on her own two times a week.  She repeats over and over again that she knows her behavior has been reckless and hurtful to the person she loves most in the world (me!), but that, as of yet, she doesn't know how to not act the way she's been acting.  She wants me to give her a chance to at least begin with the cognitive therapy work during what we have initially set as a three month separation. 

What she has done to me in the past few months (the cheating and lying) is what otherwise would be unforgiveable behavior.  But, for right or for wrong, I am able to see that her actions are caused by the BPD--not by her desire to hurt me.  And given her seemingly sincere interest in really CHANGING, I am holding out hope that we can work through this.  Oddly, our relationship prior to the birth of our son was really quite loving and whole and not at all tumultuous.  It seems as though the "stress" of having a child is what pushed her BPD traits into high gear. 

I'm interested in knowing whether anyone else has had a similar experience, i.e., a seemingly "healthy" long term relationship that was suddenly turned upside down, after which time the BPD has committed to serious therapy in the hope of changing.

Thanks for listening.  I wish all of you the best of luck in making this very difficult decision.

JP
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« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2009, 10:21:54 AM »

My wife was seemingly "normal" until the birth of our 1st child.  She was initially diagnosed with postpartum depression, and starting taking meds and going to therapy.  The depression never got better, only increased over time.  2 years after the birth of our 2nd child, she had a nervous breakdown.  She was hospitalized and that is when they discovered she had Bipolar and BPD.  The meds she was taking for depression were actually making her worse b/c they weren't treating the bipolar.

The only effective therapy for BPD's is DBT.  She went twice.  It helped some, but her thinking patterns are still the same.  The only positive is that she's quit cutting herself.

I'm in it for now, but guessing that our couple's therapy will really reveal the true nature of my displeasure and longings for divorce.  I'm finally prepared to accept the pain of divorce.  Before, I didn't have the strength.  I hope I do now!

Rgds,

Hubby
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« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2009, 12:40:30 PM »

New to this btw... .

I am going through the same thing with my BPD husband. We’ve been married 3 yrs. It all started after our first child in 2007. Things have gotten so bad through these 3 years that I am now living with my parents and two small children. I too am clueless as to what I should do. As mothers, we HAVE to put our children first! Maybe you should separate for a while. I left to not fight in front of my kids. I don’t want my daughter’s growing up thinking this is “normal” either. Has he though, identified where he gets out of hand. Has your husband even acknowledged that he does these things? Is he willing to get help? Mine has and so I’m waiting to see what he does. If he chooses not to do anything or to keep putting it off, I’m going to divorce. I don’t want to live like this forever. My hair is even falling out from the stress and I’m emotionally drained! My kids also deserve a happy, healthy environment to grow up in like I did. My husband didn’t have that and that is why he is like this today. (I believe) I don’t want that for my children.

I too would have kicked my husband to the curve if we we’re still dating and had no kids. I am a very strong independent woman but for some reason, he has me under his spell. At least that’s what I think I would do. I love him so much yet hate him so much. We all feel you!

Well I wish you lots of luck! Just have faith and put your children first ALWAYS! 

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« Reply #32 on: October 25, 2009, 09:15:10 PM »

What was making me undecided... .

1.)  Him threatening to take my daughter out of state 800 miles... .

2.)  The honeymoon phase when he will seem to be trying... .

3.)  My wedding vows - I made them and take them very seriously.  I am a hopeless romantic in someways and others just plain stubborn.

4.)  The fact I am pregnant right now (5 months along)
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« Reply #33 on: October 27, 2009, 04:27:55 AM »

I can and am totally relating to you all on this one! 

Some of you may have read my posts on here before - I am relatively new to posting. 

Brief background, started dating Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 14 my now H of 20 yrs - I am 40.  Have two daughters 17 & 13.  Thought it was best to keep the family (family what a word!) together.  My mum & dad and sister and her family no longer have anything to do with me as a result of H and his behaviour.  Had an injunction against him and had him removed in April only to withdraw the Injunction and take him back?  How mad was that - I was free and took him back.  The insults are constant, putting me down is constant, I have learned to live with the abuse to try and keep everything calm to avoid arguments etc for the sake of the kids.  I even remember when I was pregnant with my first child thinking oh good at least while I am pregnant he won't be violent anymore?  Why the hell didn't I run back then - what the hell am I doing still with him?  Why can't I leave - I have £200 saved with one very close friend now and want to leave and build on that.  He has for yrs emotionally & physically raped me.  They physical rape I have only just come to terms with - I let him for a quiet life but he knew I didn't want it, just like last night he has been in a sulk and saying how i don't show him anymore and he needs the intimacy - I have tried to have my boundaries in place but had sex with him to shut him up and now he thinks he can maul at me again touching me when he wants, I hate him kissing me the most it makes my stomach churn.  I can put up with the sex but not kissing.  I know he will never let me go, he's hinted what he would do in the past and it's not nice.  I am scared he will hurt the kids to hurt me he is no mental but I have only told two close friends he puts on a good show - I was nearly ready for dying two yrs ago and have had to build my soul back up again!  All I want is to be loved not hurt and for my children to be safe and secure and be loved... WHAT WILL BE  :'(

THE FINAL PUSH FOR ME HOW BAD DOES IT NEED TO BE FORE I CAN MAKE THAT DECISION?
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« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2009, 04:05:49 PM »

I am undecided b/c I have poured my blood, sweat and many tears in this relationship and I love him. I also don't want to be alone, fear that I will never love like this again, hate to give up when I know it could be good. My mistake is thinking he can change. He just needs to be more cooperative! What a fool I am...   :'(
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« Reply #35 on: October 30, 2009, 11:00:55 AM »

I'm new to this forum, just posted my intro.

This very question is what has brought me here, and also to go back to therapy for myself.

My BPD boyfriend and I work together, and live together. 

He's also more or less financially dependent upon me (he cant have a bank account because the state DOR would take it for back child support).

I am trying to figure out what got us together in the first place - was it my own neediness, the need to have an "out" from a previous relationship, or because he did such a darn good job at selling himself and his love for me.

We don't have very much in common, except perhaps a common enjoyment of certain television shows, and our shared love of our cats.

The worst part of making this decision is that there are times when he is happy, funny, sober, positive, and enjoyable to be around.

Then, there are times when he is heavy and sullen, sucking the life out of the aparment (and out of me), and the more I try to detach the harder he pulls me back.   It's almost like there's this wound in me that heals itself every morning, then at night it reopens and he knows exactly where to pour the salt in.

Someone else made a comment in this thread about the BPDs making the nons feel "crazy" and questioning whether or not they're the ones with the problem.  This is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes, living with this guy.   I am wondering if I'm just not twisting myself hard enough to do what he needs me to do, when what he needs me to do is kind of crazy.   and so on... .

My undecided is really based on timing (lease is up next summer), worry about him trying to hurt himself, and whether or not I am ready to be alone. alone... again after being in a series of troubled relationships spanning the last 4+ years.
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« Reply #36 on: October 30, 2009, 03:42:59 PM »

I'm afraid that I'm getting used to a certain amount of crazy and my tolerance is getting greater.  I'm worried that my kids will think this is 'normal'.  I don't want my daughter to feel that this is how a H can treat or speak to his W or for that matter how a man can speak to any woman. 



trying_hard

You are right to be afraid of this. maybe, you don't have to make a choice about your entire life today. what if you could create some space away from the crazy to be able to even see what those choices are. can you go away for a few weeks? have a relative who is having foot operations and needs a hand? maybe HE does? can you send HIM off somewhere?

Space is a very vital thing and maybe right now, just knowing you have permission to rr claim some is a place to start.

NW
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« Reply #37 on: November 01, 2009, 12:21:01 AM »

I am undecided at this point because while it would be impossible to leave right now, I want to move towards having the option in the future. I am making a slow plan to make myself less dependent on my H so if need be I can extricate my son and myself from the situation.

Things aren't always bad, although there is a great deal of BPD static in the background even in the calm times. As log as uBPDH has enough pot to stay stoned all the time, he is tolerable, just kind of wasted and barely functional, but tolerable. Marijuana basically acts as an antipsychotic with him. He's gushingly adoring when he's stoned, although I have come to really hate that as I know it's just playing me with reinforcement. He's a decent father, not terribly good, but getting responsible care for an autistic child is prohibitively expensive, so in a sense he is the lesser of evils. He does love his son dearly and we make the boy our focus of our lives. I wouldn't want to ruin that certain sense of stability.

Somewhere at the heart of it, I don't know if I can ever get over the feeling of being used, of basically in many ways being an object that produces some sort of narcissistic supply for my husband. At this point, I don't know if he's capable of really loving anyone... except maybe his ex girlfriend, and that because she is a step removed from his reality and he can idealize her to a cetain extent.

For those of you in similar situations... what heave you found helpful to move on while still remaining in the relationship? In a sense I need to withdraw, protect myself, build myself back up. I do have little cognizant moments of breakthrough where I don't ruminate on what a mess I am in, when I can look at the situation for what it is. Note that there is about 0 chance of him ever seeking treatment, he's so far in denial. Part of my slow escape plan will include that thing that gave me an a-ha moment when I first realized it was likely BPD... a sentiment I see expressed by others... I want myself back!

I know boundaries and limits are important, but what do you working on yourselves say in those moments of affirmation for yourself? Just looking for suggestions here... I try to do that kind of thing already but the BPD pull can be powerful... .just tonight he's out of pot again and Mr Hyde has shown up. So tiresome... .but I know it's not me.
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« Reply #38 on: December 16, 2009, 10:23:55 AM »

Unlisted - I do feel compassion towards you on this issue.  My uBPDbf seems to self-medicate with alcohol.   Alcohol seems to take the edge off his emotional roller coaster, but it also brings out his more narcissistic traits.   He also gets really affectionate and 'grabby' when he's drinking - I used to think that was cute but after almost 3 years I just find it tiresome.   

I'm working with a therapist now on trying to heal my own family-of-origin issues which were being spotlighted by my bf's BPD-isms.   I think this is really the key, for me, to staying balanced when my bf is unbalanced.   I'm learning to watch for signals that he's going to malfunction and be aware of my own reactions and feelings when he does.  Example: Last night he was stressed out about money.  He started out with a rant about his family that I'm all too familiar with, then proceeded onto a rant about his ex-gf (his daughter's mom), then he toddled off to the store to buy some iPod thing that his teenaged daughter wants for Christmas.

The "old" me would have scolded him for giving in to his daughter guilting him into getting her an iPod, and would have given him money, or tried to somehow manage the situation.  The "in progress" me listened without judgement or comment, nodded in acknowledgement, then wished him good luck in his quest for his daughter's gift.   I'm slowly finding it is easier to change my own behavior, my own reaction, and remove myself from the room and/or the situation if he's headed for one of his moods.    Having a laptop computer, as well as various hand crafts (knitting) that I can pick up and move to a different room is helpful too.   

I'm working on not reacting anymore, and just staying calm and present and just quietly removing myself from the situation when appropriate.

Since I posted my original note, I've decided that I'm probably going to have to leave my bf next Spring (long story) but I'm putting what I've read on this site into practice in being able to live with him in the interim.
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« Reply #39 on: December 16, 2009, 04:57:10 PM »

For me, I am in the "undecided" category because I still hold out hope that things can get better. 

Just taking this quote as an example, applies to a lot of posts on this thread.

It is important to note that undecided is a state of mind which easily leads to wait and see. Some wait and see is needed if there is a reason to believe things are changing since either our partner, circumstances or ourselves have changed. While holding back on a decision it is always useful to actively work on an escape plan or on staying skills. In fact it can be useful to work on an escape plan and on staying skills. Lleaning towards leaving - until then you keep the staying option open and make staying more bearable. In case you intend on staying - having an escape plan helps keeping calm and firms up your backbone when it comes to boundaries. Working on change even if we believe that therapy of our loved one makes a big difference in our wellbeing because it give us some sense of control back over our lives.

In most cases undecided is a place we work to escape from. I found Ftf too late to join in the undecided category and was getting enough improvement to join staying. But I still remember thinking - it either gets better or I get out. And I try to control whatever I can do and work in both directions.
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« Reply #40 on: February 07, 2010, 12:59:42 AM »

Excerpt
I too am clueless as to what I should do. As mothers, we HAVE to put our children first! Maybe you should separate for a while. I left to not fight in front of my kids. I don’t want my daughter’s growing up thinking this is “normal” either.

I can relate 100% to what she's feeling. I too have children and couldn't continue fighting with my xBPDbf. I had to leave to not fight in front of the kids as well. Although my 3 day vacation cost me my relationship, it was worth it. I was able to get back myself.

Excerpt
If he chooses not to do anything or to keep putting it off, I’m going to divorce. I don’t want to live like this forever. My hair is even falling out from the stress and I’m emotionally drained! My kids also deserve a happy, healthy environment to grow up in like I did.

I can relate to her in more than one level here. My hair was falling out as well, I had a big bold spot  and when I went to the Dr to get checked I was told it was from stress. I also had realy bad headaches that also were from stress. But like her I want to give him that opportunity to get help. But I won't know that yet until I am able to really sit down and talk to him. So I think, should I stay and wait? or should I just leave and let it be? I think about the love I have for him and wonder if I'm giving up on him too easily. Or if I'm being codependent and taking a lot of cr@p from him.
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« Reply #41 on: February 07, 2010, 02:26:11 PM »

Excerpt
I just don't understand - is undecided just a venting board?

Sometimes "undecided", as in "I don't know yet what to do", has to suffice. My uBPDw has problems with me ever saying, "I don't know," but I reserve the right to say I don't yet know the answer if I don't know it. What's the alternative? Fake an answer to make her happy? Screw that. Force myself into a decision prematurely? That's a little too black and white for me and I have enough of that with her. I'm fine with a bit of ambiguity.

I'm undecided because this is way too new to me, not even two weeks into first hearing of BPD, and I don't have enough information yet. It will take some amount of time to assimilate it.

I don't love my wife any longer. That's the first time I've ever written that and it brings tears to my eyes. The cumulative effect of things that have been said to me, not said to me, done to me and D12 have taken their toll and the emotional attachment isn't there. At the same time, I would take on any other person who tried to harm her, so I feel protective, but no affection.

Why not leave then? More than any other reason, I fear that decision would make things worse for D12, and until I think that through further, it would be irresponsible to make any rash decision. If I left, or she left, the chances are very high that she'd soon take up with someone else like her prior involvements, which I've been told were all physically and emotionally abusive. (I'm grandfathered in, I guess, because we were childhood friends from back before any of the BP stuff manifested itself.) I couldn't live with myself if I thought my actions caused my daughter to have to live even a day in such an environment. And I've seen enough friends go through tough divorces to know it's never predictable and never easy. I don't see today how I can put my daughter at risk. I love her so much I'd give her my heart if she needed a transplant.

At the same time, I'm not sure that staying till D12 is no longer a minor will work, either. Last time I saw T, she said, the only question remaining (for this session) is how long you can tolerate this situation. I dismissed that by saying that for the benefit of D12, I can do anything. All I've learned about BP since then, both here and in Eggshells, has me questioning myself on that. I have no hope this will improve. I don't expect it to get worse either. I'm learning that this is just her way of coping in the world. But now that I know about things like "intermittent reinforcement" I'm less likely to fall for them, and the result is I have no hope for improvement. That triggers a "flight" response, but I'm responsible for D12, which triggers a "keep it stable" response. Those two are in opposition, so until I get smarter about this, I'm uncertain of the wisest next step.
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« Reply #42 on: February 09, 2010, 12:47:53 PM »

Although I'm recently recovered (having only "crossed the border out of OZ" within the past few weeks) I DID go through a period of indecision and decided to answer about my feelings during that period.

The only choice that worked was "other".  I strongly believed then (and still do today) that it was the last opportunity I'd ever have for a romantic involvement.

In the unlikely but possible event that some of you are tempted to try to tell me why I'm mistaken, allow me to thank you for your concern but gently request that you not try to encourage me.  You don't have all the facts. 

Everyone loves to think normatively, that EVERYONE has a chance for love.  That's not realistic.  There are people whose prospects for a romantic relationship are virtually nil.  They include many people with disfigurements and/or disabilities and people who are morbidly obese.  While I am not a member of any of these groups, I do share their fate with regard to romantic desirability.

Back in the early 90s, someone asked me what I'd do if my mum died.  The thought was so horrible that I couldn't even wrap my mind around it.  And eventually, in 2008, I did lose her.  I knew it would be hard but I would not have been able to comprehend the enormity of that event.  I am healing, though.  At one time I had daily crying jags.  That's no longer the case.

I am finally beginning to accept the fact that absent a miracle, I will be alone the rest of my life.  If I was able to deal with my mother's death, I can deal with this.

Thank G-d for the web, for novels, for puzzles and for NPR.  Without them I suspect the loneliness would destroy me.

I shall never forget, nor cease pondering the irony of, the fact that of all the women out there, the only one who accepted me was one who lacked the capacity to sustain a healthy relationship.
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« Reply #43 on: February 09, 2010, 01:17:02 PM »

i was in love with her... .but... .after diagnoses... and the meds... and the validating... and understanding... came the trip to the pysch ward... .

and as i saw... i learned... .

i was afraid to cut the umbillical... in fear of of her... .not handling it...

i was afraid... to give up the person i loved... 6 days a week and hated on the seventh day... .

fearing i would never feel this love again... .the love that kept me at her side... for much much longer than i should have... .

so i stayed in undecided... .(actually i hid there... .)

till i couldnt hide anymore... i needed to have my ass kicked...

and it worked im better off... .much... .
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« Reply #44 on: February 09, 2010, 01:50:47 PM »

I got this link in my inbox.  I ended my marriage to BPDxh in the summer of 09 when I filed for divorce (of course, with pwBPD that is not really the "end" It was a heartwrenching decision and not taken lightly in any way.  I chose from the poll "Love them - they are cheating" but its not so cut and dried.  He started cheating after I pulled away big time because of other hurtful behavior.  All of the following were big reasons that I was undecided, plus a few that were smoke and mirrors reasons.  Edited to add:  I just realized I answered the poll wrong.  The cheating was why I finally left.  The biggest reasons I stayed on the fence so long was because I was hoping things would get better and religious conflicts.  I lived in the land of magical thinking for many many years.  Its strange to be out of that now, a total change of perspective on life.

Love them / they are cheating, physically abusive, or stealing

Love them / the relationship is unhealthy

Waiting – for them to improve or get worse

Not sure -  about being on my own

Religious conflicts

Concerned about children, custody, shared parenting

Not strong enough to leave

The stark naked truth is that I knew marrying him was a bad idea and I did it anyway.  I did not want to be alone or lose this person that I was so tangled up with.  When I found out he was cheating it was a way out for me - he had broken our vows - and I took it.  I still loved him and I still wanted things to be better, but the truth was they were bad and not getting better and.  I've been completely validated by his behavior with his new wife.  Nothing about him has changed for the better.

I recently accepted the fact that, in addition to BPD, my xh is most likely a sociopath.  That made it much easier to let go.  That made it clear to me that I would never, could never have made it better
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« Reply #45 on: February 09, 2010, 05:56:02 PM »

i was "undecided" because my checklist for leaving a relationship did not include BPD. then i left because i caught him flirting again. this might be a prelude to cheating and i don't wanna be entangled too much when it happens.

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« Reply #46 on: February 09, 2010, 07:49:43 PM »

I was undecided the last month of the relationship due to his back and forth behavior. It was push/pull and I recognized the patterns. The reason the break up has been difficult is due to how much I miss the good times, the emotional support, and the companionship. We had a lot of fun yet he is a controlling person and I felt myself chafing under his control. The relationship was on his terms. I guess he sensed my withdrawal and he bailed for another woman. She dumped him. Now he has offered friendship and I declined.

I know the relationship is not genuine if I cannot express my needs and have them met. Right now I am vulnerable, grieving the loss of the dream of our future together and coming to terms with how he presented himself and who he really is underneath. I am not perfect, I was dependent on him to relieve me from the stressors of being a single parent. I don't have a network of close friends, I work too hard and too much at times, and wasn't taking care of me. It was all about family, him, career and me last. I am now discovering who I am and working through my issues. I have not jumped into a new relationship. I am in therapy. As lonely as I am at times, I know this is healthy response to change. This stuff is work and sometimes I am scared I will never have a permanent, loving relationship. I am building that loving relationship with me. This is new. I find not thinking of the what ifs and only ifs help me get through the day. Having a plan for each day and working that plan is the best I can do.
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« Reply #47 on: February 09, 2010, 08:06:51 PM »

I was undecided the last month of the relationship due to his back and forth behavior. It was push/pull and I recognized the patterns. The reason the break up has been difficult is due to how much I miss the good times, the emotional support, and the companionship. We had a lot of fun yet he is a controlling person and I felt myself chafing under his control. The relationship was on his terms. I guess he sensed my withdrawal and he bailed for another woman. She dumped him. Now he has offered friendship and I declined.

I know the relationship is not genuine if I cannot express my needs and have them met. Right now I am vulnerable, grieving the loss of the dream of our future together and coming to terms with how he presented himself and who he really is underneath. I am not perfect, I was dependent on him to relieve me from the stressors of being a single parent. I don't have a network of close friends, I work too hard and too much at times, and wasn't taking care of me. It was all about family, him, career and me last. I am now discovering who I am and working through my issues. I have not jumped into a new relationship. I am in therapy. As lonely as I am at times, I know this is healthy response to change. This stuff is work and sometimes I am scared I will never have a permanent, loving relationship. I am building that loving relationship with me. This is new. I find not thinking of the what ifs and only ifs help me get through the day. Having a plan for each day and working that plan is the best I can do.

WOW I feel likeI wrote this post!

It still amazes me how everbodies stories here are similar to each other.
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« Reply #48 on: February 10, 2010, 04:21:48 PM »

At our ages of 67 and 62 (him) we depend on each other unfortunately. Some days I think perhaps we could still help each other if we lived apart--his family history is of divorced parents staying in phone contact and spending holidays together. Even his stepfather went to his ex-wife's house when she was ill because when you're older, your support system no longer includes parents (if alive, you may be their caretaker, driver, etc.) and health problems are commonplace for some people.

My therapist said she is supposed to tell women married 30 yrs or more to stay, so that is on my mind. What would happen the first time I needed immediate help? Reinjured back? Trip to hospital? That is the biggest thing on my mind at times. Freedom from ongoing stress competes with it after he's hateful. But being practical is a mindset I've had all my life. I've looked for information about support networks and of course being active in a church is rewarding, but we stopped going after our son was grown. I personally didn't like lying to people at church and one less place to have to pretend.

To continue being a homemaker, does it mean tolerating the disappointing actions of my BPDh? I continue shopping and planning meals or enjoy going out, and holiday plans repeat year-after-year. Lately though I contemplate waving the white flag and admitting all that is over. Feels like beginning the last stage of life like becoming an older widow instantly, yet alone by choice. Does my son become responsible for me? Do I get moved to Arizona near him and into a little apartment like where I started out? One decision from me and nothing is the same. Good or bad?

It is funny, but I try to imagine myself traveling alone to visit my son's family, and I recall the December trip where we returned home and got on the wrong shuttle bus to remote parking. I believe that I did point at the correct bus, but followed h's lead because I'm usually wrong. The bus driver figured it out for us and I had to admit we looked like two bumbling old people, and that was combining our resources and wits. We'd also deplaned into a brand new AA terminal that looked like a big mall with a huge, round bar in the center where people were laughing it up and having a good time. We might as well have landed in the wrong city for how confused we were. Someone had to hold my luggage for me on the escalator since I can't do rollers and getting on at same time, and h had ignored me and plowed through a crowd when I told him we'd just passed the elevator.

I have a sense now of different consequences of acting unwisely. Considering no job or desire to work again, imagining living on half our income is not as bad as the unpredictability. Being stoic and complacent is easier due to much practice by now, but there is the practical side trying to avoid some new crisis. All it takes is an illness or bad news, and I depend on him for transportation and immediate help.
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« Reply #49 on: February 11, 2010, 05:52:58 AM »

I am undecided because of the guilt. If I leave he will have no money, nothing to do and be bored. I give him the money, give him something to do and take him everywhere. He has no job, how will he find one without me? How can I leave him on his own with his own distructive thoughts?

This is how I feel. I can't let go... .cupidhit
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« Reply #50 on: February 11, 2010, 09:39:05 PM »

That's a lot to do for anyone and it must be hurtful at times to hope for more from him. What would he do if he had to get by due to some unforseen circumstance, God forbid, and you were out of commission for awhile. Does he have family somewhere? Friends? Can he qualify for food stamps? Low income apt.? What was he doing before he met you?

Does he have a trade or profession that could eventually provide employment? Would he work at any job he could get if he had to in order to avoid a homeless shelter?

There might be things he'd have to do that he wouldn't like compared to having you do everything, but could you negotiate some freedom for yourself? You could still be a friend and yet have some options for your peace of mind that this is not permanent?

Even if he were your child, it would be time to insist he do something. You said you find things for him to do and maybe these are things that get him out of the house and around other people, especially if he can help someone with his time. Being useful is good for everyone and could keep him active.

I hope this forum helps you deal with these problems. It isn't pleasant to feel trapped, I know.

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« Reply #51 on: February 15, 2010, 02:30:26 PM »

I know the relationship is unhealthy. I know she'll never leave her BPD mom and I know if I stay, I'll become mentally screwed up because of this woman... .but I love her and everyone tells me things won't get better and I should return to Texas... .but I don't want to leave her, I'm too confused. It's too painful for me to lose her. I can't simply walk away, I don't think I have the capability to hurt her like that. She won't get better, I know that. Financially they're both irresponsible, mentally they're both immature and vicious at times (though more the mother in law than my wife), and more and more my wife thinks things will get better... .they won't. I know I should go, but I can't. I can't bring myself to. I love her, I don't want to lose her, I'm a broken... .I CAN'T leave her. I don't want to, but I do... .I want to leave her mother. I want to leave and wait for her to figure things out, but I don't think that'll ever happen. Her mother scares the crap out of me... .I know eventually I'll have to go... .but I HATE the thought of it. I hate the pain of it. I want to be with her the rest of my life, god I do... .I know she won't do any therapy or anything to improve herself or her situation... .it's really a lost cause. I don't even know what to do. I need HELP
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« Reply #52 on: February 16, 2010, 04:20:20 PM »

I am undecided because of the guilt. If I leave he will have no money, nothing to do and be bored. I give him the money, give him something to do and take him everywhere. He has no job, how will he find one without me? How can I leave him on his own with his own distructive thoughts?

This is how I feel. I can't let go... .cupidhit

Yow!  My uBPDbf has a job (we work for the same company) but the codependency runs really really deep between us.

We are vampire and victim

Parasite and host

... .and the moon and the tide.

I get very little from this relationship except for companionship.

He gets financial help (I pay more than half the rent + utilities), and someone who he can talk at (and sometimes even talk with).

I'm terrified to leave him (but yet I frequent the leaving board) because he's already had 2 suicide attempts in his life after break-ups and/or "bad stuff" happening in his life.  I'm afraid he will just give up, kill himself outright, or kill himself slowly by transitioning from high functioning alcoholic to low functioning alcoholic.

He's absolutely terribly attached to me.  His emotional instability triggers all sorts of nasty FOO things in me related to my uBPD/NPD mom.

So... in a nutshell... .I waver between undecided and leaving, because it's "just like mom used to make". 

It's not very life enriching, but it's familiar.

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« Reply #53 on: February 16, 2010, 06:24:43 PM »

The real reason?  Because I am codependent with women.  I love it when they are pretty, petite, intelligent, can be initially charming and bathit_ crazy.  That is the combination that seems to affect me the most. 

But I am gradually learning how unhealthy it was.
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« Reply #54 on: February 17, 2010, 07:49:19 AM »

Other: maybe?

Me, I have been in the relationship (not intimate for 10 years) untill we got intimate. I'm afraid of the world out there. I'm gathering all my strength to become myself. Im in the process of making real decissions. Knowledge is power: knowing semi-ex uBPDgf's behaviour by reading about BPD and related psychology works shows me that I am a human. That I can fit in somewhere. I still need to find out if I'm the fighter that can handle my BP or if I need something else. The knowledge reliefs me of the fear of the outside world. I feel better prepared to step away from her into the "normal" world. My blurry view of the world is fading and my focus on how the world turns opens up step by step by reading through BPD related books, forums and other stuff. Still I love that person and I care about her. In some way I still have a feeling that I interpret as "owing" her my help. Still I do think I am still missing knowledge to KNOW what I want, need, feel.
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« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2010, 04:57:30 PM »

I could answer to several on the pole.

For me is I lover her and I did say to death do us part and I like being around her, But now I have a S<1. She got much better after a suicide attempt about 5 years ago.

She started to slip back just before she got pregnant and I was almost ready to leave her again. I say again because the first time I said it she jumped from a moving car on the freeway and then she realized that she had a problem and promise to change.

Any way I love her and been with her for over 13+ years and enjoy being around her when she is normal.

I want to leave because I’m tired of the constant anger and empty threats that one day may not be empty. She has threatened to call the cops again this weekend that makes this the 4 time in the last 2 months. She says she love our S<1 but she want time away from him but threaten that no one can take him away from her with out a fight. I think it would devastate her if I were to ask for full custody but if I don’t, I don’t want to be responsible for what she has the poetical of doing to him. I caught her yelling at him several times but she denies it and says she never would then turns around and says she can if she wants to.

I just wish she was normal. But I’m finding out after 13 years that we really don’t have any thing in common. A lot of the things that she said that she likes she really does not. I’m beginning to think that it was a show, and that what all the excuses for not doing any thing are for. 

Every one tell me I she just cut and run up, and leave, but how do you stop loving some one after 13 years. Well I don’t lover her the same way as I did before just thing I’m doing some thing wrong for wanting to leave. I feel more like we are roommates then H&W, but not just any roommate but a know-it-all 16 year old who want nothing more the to boss me around all day, but she 36 not 16

I seem to talk my self in to staying then leaving then back to staying. I always hope she will get better. But reality has shown that its up and down and right know is an up on the way down and I don’t think I can survive another down

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« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2010, 05:19:35 PM »

Okay - for me undecided is where I am at right now.  Hubby and I start marriage counseling tomorrow.  He has already made it real clear that if I try to leave it will be a custody battle for sure.  Today he told me that we could divorce if I want but he is not leaving his children.  Counseling is going to help one way or the other.  Either we will determine that we will part ways amicably and work together in the best interest of the children or we will work to try and save our marriage but that will definitely require change on both our parts.  At this point although I am undecided about the relationship, I am decided about the fact that I will no longer live with the abuse that he is handing out.  He says that it is my fault for allowing this to escalate to the point that it is at and on that front he is absolutely correct.  I do admit that it really took me until about 9 months ago to see that this relationship was not working for me.  Up until then I took all of it.  That is why I feel that I need to give this a little time.  I am attending counseling and also preparing all the things I need to do to leave if necessary.  For years now I have had nothing in my name and have virtually disappeared.  It is just now that I am fighting to create "me" again.  I didn't actually realize I was lost until I reconnected with some old friends and realized that I had completely vanished.  Again in my case these issues didn't just happen overnight they crept in gradually and over time he kept taking more and more advantage and I kept allowing it... .I know that is a mistake that I won't make again.  I am back to stay! Thanks for posing the question and btw I have been looking at the other boards as well, so I know what I am in for no matter how this whole thing goes.  Thanks for listening... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #57 on: July 26, 2010, 05:55:10 PM »

Hi Tired0022,

MC is hard for BPDs. Problem solving is per-se often perceived as invalidating. In preparation of MC can you review the lessons on avoiding invalidation? And how a validating response looks. And how S.E.T. works.

Not because you want to be nice, but you want to be effective. No point in MC if he gets dysregulated.
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
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« Reply #58 on: July 26, 2010, 06:08:33 PM »

an0ught - you are always there when I need you... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) anyway can you tell me how to access SET since you have referred me to those guidelines before and I haven't been able to access them.  Thanks as always for the guidance! I will keep you posted on the MC.  Say an extra prayer for me!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #59 on: July 26, 2010, 11:48:14 PM »

SET is desribed in this video: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

There is also a workshop on communication techniques that should help.

MC is tough for a person with BPD.
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« Reply #60 on: September 19, 2010, 04:46:28 PM »

It is hard to let go but does one really let go after walking away? In my case I get over things easily but the ones that blew me away are harder, I might walk away and will not turn to look but a part of me begins to die inside. I try to keep a culture and I place the specimin in freeze as I move forward. I guess I have humanity, no one has had it like some in the world and we ought to have mercy since we first believed that something greater would take hold to see it through. Maybe we under estimate, maybe we were right on our first hunch but our physical would fail and harm if we continue. Is it possible for the spirit to be willing but the body weak?

I am one of those that goes down with the ship, there are many like myself out there it's epic... ~although I would love to make the money from that drama.

`'~'^0^'~'`

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« Reply #61 on: January 02, 2011, 07:06:48 PM »

BPDh is working with a T.  I'm attending school and should be done in six months - I'm staying for now to see how the therapy works, but making plans so I can have the life I want and deserve.
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« Reply #62 on: January 06, 2011, 08:43:32 PM »

I think the thing to understand is that people should only leave a relationship when they are ready and not when the world thinks they should . I don't talk much about my situation to other people because if they knew everything most of my friends and family would really push me to leave. This board is my refuge when things get tough. My dBPDh recently started taking antidepressants and it is like he is a totally different person. He is happy most of the time and has not been critical of me in weeks. It is hard for me to really trust this change at this point. But I hope it lasts forever because he is more like the man I fell in love with. More like the man I thought he was. Not sure how long this will last but I am enjoying this time with him.

Butrfly
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« Reply #63 on: June 25, 2012, 12:06:10 PM »

in reading the list of choices in the poll, I might have chosen several... .I do still love him, in a way-but it's a guarded way. it's not the love I felt for him even a year or two ago. I am feeling less reckless, more hesitant myself.

BEFORE I met my UBPDh:

I had gotten out of a stagnant 27 year marriage where I stayed til my kids were more than grown-and my ExH had a thriving life that didn't include me or my family. it was HIS way or no way-and a raging fight if you disagreed. he was also master of the silent seething treatment. I was forced to perform *wifely duties* whether I felt like it or not... .so one day I said this is NOT working and I want more.

the week after I leased my own apt for a separation he served me with divorce papers via our youngest son. He coerced me into believing that he would pay alimony, and would forever *help me out*. Untrue. it was a nightmare. I left with my personal belongings and my clothes, just to get away from him. I never mourned the marriage b/c I mourned the whole time I was MARRIED!

So a few months later- when I met someone who was initially EVERYTHING my Ex H was not... .it was a great relief. He seemed emotionally available, able to share, he was funny, kind and liked me... .We spent so much time together-just us. My Ex never did that. I was hooked.

I just didn't realize what I was hooked INTO.

I didn't realize that his spotty work history (since late 1990's) was all his fault-and that he was unable to handle normal life stresses, that happen normally with age and time.

I didn't realize that he really wanted to be a grown up 16 year old and have virtually NO responsibility towards others... .and that's why his first W kicked him out. Irrational and volatile behavior is NOT what you want in the other parent of your kids.

I didn't realize then that he makes and has made poor financial decisions virtually all his life and that often meant *using* other people's money for personal gain. (forging checks of family members... .)

I didn't realize that he *feels* differently about friends and family-easy come, easy go... .and he really at some level doesn't CARE the way a normal person does.(unless he needs them for something.)

I didn't realize that his sense of entitlement is so huge that he *blames* me for not bringing *enough* money into my side of the marriage, although he's never able to state what my share should be!

The irrational and volcanic rages should have been enough... .but there's always more to the *backstory*. He can still be funny, kind and loving. And he seems to be ULTRA dependent on me, personally-to be there for him. He asks my advice, he asks for my agreement-we still seem very much a couple... .and I like that part.

Now... .as I find myself putting the puzzle together-not sure I have ALL the pieces yet-I am still undecided what to do with what I have realized over this year or two.

Once I (again) have my own separate financial stability(re:job)... .I will be in more of a position to decide.

I doubt it will harm him much-as I know he will just move along-feeling he had done his utmost for *us* and it will be MY failure! He's perfect... .so It can't be him!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

GL
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« Reply #64 on: June 27, 2012, 08:51:31 PM »

It took me several months, after I finally discovered that my wife has BPD, to understand why I was undecided. As well, working with my T. helped greatly to figure it out. The main reason is that I need to be in a position to take a decision, or as T said: you can't shop (options) if you don't have money (i.e. inner resources).

It was not about making an inventory, but about realizing that until I am free of co-dependent ways of being I will not be able to make a sound decision. This, in turn, requires that I investigate deeply inside of myself to find the source of such co-dependency and deal with it. I made a lot of progress with my T, but I am not fully there yet.

I realized that to be able to stay I need to be my whole self, and co-dependency just prevents it to make it happen. As well, by changing my ways and attitudes it has an effect on my BPDw (she can react well or badly, but what I do changes the dynamic, and this can influence what is the best path to take by seeing how the dynamics evolves). On the other hand, if I decide to leave and I am still co-dependent, then I will just end up in a similar situation with someone else.

So, taking the time of dealing effectively with co-dependency is for me the main reason why I am undecided.
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« Reply #65 on: July 23, 2012, 11:28:36 PM »

For me, there are several things: hope and fear. I sometimes have hope that my BPDw will change. Nevertheless, she is like an emotional rollercoaster ride. The second thing is fear, fear that she will be that much more abusive and fear that she might hurt herself after I leave.
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« Reply #66 on: July 24, 2012, 06:23:21 AM »

We had a baby boy 14 months ago. But little did i know that it would make her worse then ever.

Andy
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« Reply #67 on: August 14, 2012, 12:11:58 PM »

For me it was her cute lil feet. They were real cute and soft. Wish I was kidding but I'm not:P
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« Reply #68 on: August 14, 2012, 12:18:44 PM »

Fear of the unknown.  Also, I'd been in it so long, I really didn't know how to do anything else.  Worry about my kids.  Guilt toward the spouse; thinking that if I don't take care of her what will happen to her.  I was wrong on all accounts.  She can fend for herself and the kids are better off if at least one parent is sane and living a relative normal life.  Also, it takes me out of the situation so that I can't be blamed for everything.  

Also, frankly the sex of off the map.  I was addicted to it and afraid nothing would ever compare.
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« Reply #69 on: January 26, 2013, 10:53:53 AM »

What keeps me with him?

I am separated from my uBPDh but we are still together and talk and see each other.  Our one year anniversary is coming up - the BPD was not clear in our courtship but showed up during the first month we were married.  There is no way we can live together as things currently stand. 

I am still with him because I do love him.  He is smart, funny, handsome, handy, good in bed.  He can also be sensitive and thoughtful.  We share political views - which is unusual where I live.  He can cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, etc.  I do those things too, of course, but it is nice to have someone to share chores with.  We enjoy just being together - when he is not triggered.

When he is triggered, particularly when he's been drinking which is pretty much daily.  It is very difficult to deal with.  So I'm in therapy, going to meetings, and taking care of myself.  One boundary is that I won't be around him when he's drinking.  We have time to see if he will decide to quit drinking and get help.

Daze



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« Reply #70 on: January 27, 2013, 12:39:21 PM »

The kids.  Learned some years ago that you can only have ONE Number One priority.  I have three -- the kids.  None of my kids are named (1/2 dBPDw -- I say 1/2 because the T started into that last week and now 1/2 has switched T's :D -- would be sad if not so funny).  

Anyway.  The kids said keep it together, and I follow the mission statement.  Ain't nothing but a thing when you are a trained, programmed Engineer, Military Officer type.  Turns out I am not a Co-De . . . I am a Robot.  :D

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SadWifeofBPD
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« Reply #71 on: May 31, 2013, 04:18:09 PM »

I'm very concerned about our financial future.  H is so impulsive that he makes decisions without thinking things thru.  (He'll even say, "I don't care" when I point out negatives.)  So,when there are "unintended negative consequences" that he hadn't anticipated, he then says that it was "bad luck" or he'll blame others (often me).
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« Reply #72 on: June 02, 2013, 08:00:21 PM »

Another thought on this as I think back to time I've spent on both staying and leaving... .

On staying I felt out of place because I couldn't care about the relationship the way that most do there.   

On leaving, I felt out of place because I still cared some. 

Undecided lets me care some, but doesn't try to make me care more than I am able to right now, or more than is actually healthy for me right now.  It lets me care just enough for where I am at in my journey. 

This hits it on the head for me!   I have been married to BPDh for 33 yrs, but only learned about BPD 7 years ago when things really got bad.  I have been easy-going my whole life and was an incredibly easy target for him.  Never physical , but lots of emotional abuse.  No infidelity issues.  So I guess I take the good with the bad, but my patience is pretty much gone, tired of dealing with all his either ignoring me or when I try to talk to him, he starts raising his voice and wanting to fight with me- when I point that out , he says he's frustrated, as if that makes it ok!   I'm just incredibly tired of dealing with his manipulation and game-playing.

Txwoman
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« Reply #73 on: June 02, 2013, 08:02:26 PM »

Sorry- the point I was trying to make with the above is that after all that history- I have become apathetic about our "relationship" so, I am literally on the fence, 50/50. 
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« Reply #74 on: June 02, 2013, 10:03:12 PM »

I no longer live with my BPDbf. I asked him to leave almost a year ago, however, we have been in a long-distance relationship since he left.

He decided to seek therapy and was doing great these past weeks. After Memorial Day he had a set back and has been having some issues.

Like Eric367 said about being free of co-dependent ways. I have to do the same thing myself. I'm just not there yet. I am very burnt out, though.
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« Reply #75 on: June 08, 2013, 09:58:18 AM »

I'm undecided because I'm not sure how much of this is BPD and how much is outright abuse... .

How much of it is his problems and how much of it is mine... .

I'm undecided because even though right now we are in a "good" phase and everything seems like rainbows and unicorns - I know from experience with him that that can change in the blink of an eye and I'll be back on his hit list, in a dark place feeling hurt and alone. And even though right now it seems like we are taking 10 steps forward, he could dysregulate and we could go back 20 steps.

I'm undecided because even though I want to believe that this "new and improved" him is really the new and improved him (I'm human too and I have the need for love and nurturing and validation just like him); it could be next month, next week or next hour that he decides he can do better and it could only be one sentence from someone that makes him go back to seeing only my imperfections.

Right now he's all about how wonderful our life together is - but I haven't forgotten that only a few weeks ago he was heading off to the bar looking for my replacement... . I haven't forgotten all the black he's painted me and hurtful things he's said... .

And, part of me wonders if this "new and improved" him is him putting on a good-boy act because when he started T, he saw how hard it was really going to be. One week in and suddenly he's "fixed" (can't be done and I know this)... .

Does that make me cynical and bitter or does that make me realistic?
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« Reply #76 on: February 11, 2014, 02:49:22 PM »

I think I go back and forth between undecided and staying, working on it because I still can't fully commit.  I have to have a Plan B because my husband's mental health has been unstable.  When he is working on it and going to therapy regularly, things are great.  Unfortunately, he doesn't stay with that and then things fall apart.  Now that we know it is BPD, that doesn't mean he will stick with the work anyway.  It does help tailor more of his therapy and recovery work but there is still no guarantee.  There has been 16 years of this and I just can't put all my eggs in one basket.
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« Reply #77 on: February 12, 2014, 11:41:25 AM »

I have decided: I will not remain in a marriage with anyone with BPD who isn't willing to work on improving.  I'm ready to do my part, but I don't have the strength to do this alone.

The reason I'm on this board is because I'm holding out some hope... . for how long I'm not sure... . that she will get it that she needs help.  Now I know that may be wishful thinking, but she has had some remarkable moments of clarity from time to time.  Also, in comparison to several of the stories posted here, I'd consider her at the high-functioning end of the spectrum which further gives me (naive?) hope she can connect the dots herself.  I have, rightly or wrongly, tried to gently nudge her into figuring things out quicker by using acronyms and words like JADE, recycling and splitting in emails with her which I'm sure she googled.  And I've made it clear that our CBT/DBT MC would tell her why I no longer JADE (he diagnosed her, but only told me) if she would just go see him (she painted him black and hasn't seen him in months).

I've been out of the house for a month and I've noticed her behavior around the children, particularly our oldest with whom she routinely clashed, is significantly better.  I don't think that happens without taking a long look in the mirror.  Another reason to hold out hope.

I hope she is able to connect the dots someday, even if it's long after I've decided I'm done waiting.  I want her to do this for herself, not out of fear of abandonment.  I'd be lying if I said those gentle nudges to get her to figure things out quicker were just for her: Of course they are for me, too.  I want to be with her and I want her to get better.  But I don't want to scare her into treatment.  Then she's not really doing it for herself.
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« Reply #78 on: February 12, 2014, 03:01:23 PM »

I figure I will stay on the "undecided" board until I either commit by getting married, or things deteriorate. 

My gut prevents me from getting married.  I know deep inside that I am unhappy and could do better, maybe even better alone.  But I see potential here, but it is waning, and I am getting more impatient.  I know the status quo is not acceptable for me indefinitely; I need to see more progress from her.  It's not the BPD specifically, but the related issues - the complete emotional dependence, the lack of job, and the severe depression and negative attitude that I can't live with forever.  If her attitude improves so that she isn't so afraid to be alone, can manage some kind of job or hobby, and develops a few emotional outlets beyond me, I think this could be a good relationship. But right now, I have none of that.
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« Reply #79 on: October 07, 2014, 12:25:19 PM »

For me... .

It's the fact of being in the relationship for 9 years... .that's significant time and shared history. But she wants kids, and it was already volatile enough with just two of us to even consider it... .I think really she wants to fill an emotional void... .which to me is the worst possible reason for kids... .I'm getting therapy, but she is not at present.

The length of time we had together means we had something. Or perhaps were both just too codependent to leave! I'm realistic on that, and in fact we haven't lived together for a few months now. She moved into a relationship quick that keeps collapsing - he was less willing or less able to put up with as much as I was, evidently!

But, she keeps calling me when struggling or low. And I just want to try help her get expert help. So there is the logical mind that sees things more clearly... .but the emotional mind, the emotional ties that kept you together for so long that prevent you from truly moving on, and keep putting that small doubt in you that you can both move on... . 
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« Reply #80 on: October 09, 2014, 01:49:02 PM »

Well she never said we were broken up. She just disappeared. What do I do? Honestly I'm just confused over the whole thing.
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« Reply #81 on: October 13, 2014, 02:26:59 PM »

When things are good, they are very good.  We have so many shared interested and activities and tastes.  But if I bring up our money problems, there is hell to pay.  I am wearing out from the baiting and from doing so much more than my share of the work.  I am so resentful.

I know I will be financially ruined if we stay together.  She has never worked in our whole marriage and gets mystery illnesses for months whenever I start pressuring her for financial help.  I am working on psyching myself up for a divorce.  This is the toughest decision I have ever had to go through.  I love her and she is a good person, but I can't just carry her around for the rest of our lives.
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« Reply #82 on: October 13, 2014, 02:51:42 PM »

When things are good, they are very good.  We have so many shared interested and activities and tastes.  But if I bring up our money problems, there is hell to pay.  I am wearing out from the baiting and from doing so much more than my share of the work.  I am so resentful.

I know I will be financially ruined if we stay together.  She has never worked in our whole marriage and gets mystery illnesses for months whenever I start pressuring her for financial help.  I am working on psyching myself up for a divorce.  This is the toughest decision I have ever had to go through.  I love her and she is a good person, but I can't just carry her around for the rest of our lives.

haha yes! Mine never worked either. And was always sick
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« Reply #83 on: October 15, 2014, 11:42:42 AM »

I have a 10yr old son who is the light of my life.  He loves his BPDmom, even though she rages at him and he does not understand.

My agony is whether to stay and have him subject to this until he leaves the house, or keep going.  Like I said he loves his mom and me. I am the emotional anchor.  My counselor says he needs one stable parent and I am happy to be so.  Nonetheless I know there will be very little left of me in another 8-10 yrs or so.  If I last that long it will be divorce for certain.
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« Reply #84 on: October 16, 2014, 04:37:56 AM »

I'm waiting for her to improve. It's worth a try.
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« Reply #85 on: January 02, 2019, 08:08:02 AM »

Staying side:

Because I love him.

Because I'm reluctant to walk away from the emotional investment we have both put in and the progress that it has generated.

Because I'm reluctant to walk away from someone I have so many shared experiences with.

Because I'm reluctant to walk away from the good stuff and the things I love about him, e.g. his incredible sense of humour, his touch (both the sex and the platonic-type physical affection), his smile and his voice, the wonderful little analogies he creates to explain things, the way he has to line things up and how meticulous he is about it, his capacity for emotion and his comfortableness with talking about emotions, the way he loves music, his compassion for animals, his love of the natural world, the way he sees all people as human-beings and not labels (e.g. a homeless addict and a high court judge have equal standing in his eyes and I share that value and love him for it), the way he (eventually!) owns his behaviour and analyses himself, the way he'd give his last pound to a beggar... .I could go on, but will spare you! *laughs*. I suppose this paragraph condenses to "because I am very much in love with him".

The leaving side:

Because I have had enough of feeling invisible. E.g. I am a loyal, faithful, honest, open, direct person who has never cheated on anyone in their lives and never would, and who has no interest in casual sex (I only do sex in the context of a loving relationship) and yet I am accused of looking for any and every opportunity to knock off any and everyone imaginable. And similar things. I am tired of it. It makes me feel like he can't see me and that makes me feel invisible (even though I know that it's really about his inability to trust and not my trustworthiness).

Because I feel a bit smothered and suffocated - he needs a great deal of time and attention and togetherness, while I am an introvert who needs a lot of alone time and space. Firstly, there's an incompatibility there; secondly, there's the way he reacts when I need space (see my other threads!) and tries to walk over boundaries.

Because I recognise that a lot of his behaviour is abusive and I feel immense social pressure not to stay in an abusive relationship. The abuse itself doesn't get me down so much as the judgment I feel from society about it, the stereotypes I feel I'm being pigeonholed as etc - that is knocking my confidence and making me doubt myself.

Because of the "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" type issues, e.g. how, when I come to him with a problem, he thinks I want him to fix it, when what I actually want is validation and empathy. He then gets frustrated when he can't fix it and I end up having to comfort him in his frustration instead of receiving comfort for whatever it was I was upset or worried about. No amount of talking seems to resolve these basic misunderstandings.

Because I am TIRED. Really, really, to-the-core tired. His needs and his feelings would take up all my time and energy if I let them - I don't let them, but... .It ends up that the battle not to let them takes up all my time and energy instead... .*laughs with gallows humour*

Because, with the way he abuses alcohol and prescription drugs, I don't expect his organs to last much longer and I don't want to stick around and witness him suffering a painful and premature death. And, if I'm honest with myself, this is the main reason I want to part and the rest of the things are part-problem part-excuse.

Phew, that was a long response to a poll - sorry! I just needed an opportunity to walk round all this stuff.
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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