Why do some BPD relationships last so long?

[Depression = 72% of members]

They keep you in a mental vortex of feeling worthless, the more worthless they can make you feel, the harder you try to prove yourself, the less they give you, the more you feed them, like a dog chasing his tail, cycle of abuse. A smidgen of idealize topped with a heaping helping of devalue discard.

That perfectly describes how I felt.  Thank you for that.

[Hadlee]

They keep you in a mental vortex of feeling worthless, the more worthless they can make you feel, the harder you try to prove yourself, the less they give you, the more you feed them, like a dog chasing his tail, cycle of abuse. A smidgen of idealize topped with a heaping helping of devalue discard.

That perfectly describes how I felt.  Thank you for that.

[WoundedBibi]

Do you guys think it has to do with the age you first start dating the BPD

Your age, their age, your emotional development, theirs, where they are on the BPD spectrum, your character, theirs, your background, theirs, your genes, theirs. In short, as per usual, there is no 'one size fits all' answer. We NONs are all different. I'm very different from you, you're very different from Onceremoved, Onceremoved is very different from Penelope35, Penelope35 is very different from C.Stein, and so on. Same goes for our exes. No two are the same even though they might both have BPD.

I notice you have a lot of questions about the pwBPD. Do they come back, do they stalk, do they secretly call, etcetera. Looking for commonalities. Looking to crack the code as it were. Could it be you're still very focused on your ex, what your ex thinks, did, does, will do, might do, and you are not yet focused on your healing?

[Herodias]

I thinks it's pretty simple in that it's all in how much we will take. "Staying together for the marriage" or "children" becomes a theme. We try to make things work in these cases. Divorce is difficult. They act out the whole time and in my case get worse and worse until it's no longer safe to stay. I put up with way more than I should have. So, the next person will take all they can handle. In my case she is having his baby, she is letting him control her (how she dresses, etc.). That will probably mean she will be around for awhile... .will he? I don't think so... .He prefers to have money -I think... .right now they have none. He may look for someone with money once again. I feel like he is trying this out- Actually to me, pretty manipulating because if he stays poor while he is having a baby, that would mean less child support for her later. Mine had anti-social traits so I see him as very calculating. It's all in who they find next as well... .they will stay if they are unsure of who they are dating on this side... .I suppose this may only be my perspective, but it is how my r/s went.

[SoMadSoSad]

Do you guys think it has to do with the age you first start dating the BPD

Your age, their age, your emotional development, theirs, where they are on the BPD spectrum, your character, theirs, your background, theirs, your genes, theirs. In short, as per usual, there is no 'one size fits all' answer. We NONs are all different. I'm very different from you, you're very different from Onceremoved, Onceremoved is very different from Penelope35, Penelope35 is very different from C.Stein, and so on. Same goes for our exes. No two are the same even though they might both have BPD.

I notice you have a lot of questions about the pwBPD. Do they come back, do they stalk, do they secretly call, etcetera. Looking for commonalities. Looking to crack the code as it were. Could it be you're still very focused on your ex, what your ex thinks, did, does, will do, might do, and you are not yet focused on your healing?

I think my mind works differently than most people. It works in a way that stunts the healing process until everything makes sense.

[Hadlee]

Do you guys think it has to do with the age you first start dating the BPD

Your age, their age, your emotional development, theirs, where they are on the BPD spectrum, your character, theirs, your background, theirs, your genes, theirs. In short, as per usual, there is no 'one size fits all' answer. We NONs are all different. I'm very different from you, you're very different from Onceremoved, Onceremoved is very different from Penelope35, Penelope35 is very different from C.Stein, and so on. Same goes for our exes. No two are the same even though they might both have BPD.

I notice you have a lot of questions about the pwBPD. Do they come back, do they stalk, do they secretly call, etcetera. Looking for commonalities. Looking to crack the code as it were. Could it be you're still very focused on your ex, what your ex thinks, did, does, will do, might do, and you are not yet focused on your healing?

I think my mind works differently than most people. It works in a way that stunts the healing process until everything makes sense.

I agree SoMadSoSad.  My mind works the same as yours.  For me, it's important to make sense of what has happened

[WoundedBibi]

I get you want to make sense of it. We all do. The thing is, we never will. Not completely. They are mentally ill. We can never think like them. It will never make complete sense to someone who is not mentally ill.

[FannyB]

I understand where the guys are coming from. I got criticized previously for wanting to analyse everything. Unfortunately, that's the way I'm wired and now I have answers that satisfy me I am quite bored with my ex and her dysfunctionality and healed of sorts. 


Fanny

[WoundedBibi]

Oh I get it too. And it's not criticism so much but more concern; you can try to analyse someone forever but if they are ill and you are not I don't think you'll ever get it. You might get stuck.

I'm still trying to analyze some bits of him but I've moved on to analyze bits of the dynamics between us and analyzing me. So I can change me. As I cannot change my ex.

[FannyB]

Wounded Bibi

I agree we can get stuck and you're right to ask the question - but there is no onesize fits all template for healing. That's why some of us go back for second helpings and others don't. As long as someone is edging forward in terms of getting to the other side then that's fine in my book.

However, if they are asking questions about the disorder to find the magical formula that keeps their pwBPD locked in idealization mode so that they can live happily ever after with them - then I agree that ain't healthy at all!


Fanny

[once removed]

most of us to varying degrees, are "problem solvers". it plays into why many of us stayed. 2010 spoke to it in the bit with references to an "understanding driven" lonely child.

the relationships and their ending were traumatic for most of us. there is a certain need to make sense of what we have been through in terms of processing, like anyone grieving, and fortunately, there are answers. this is why it helps to seek out clinical information about the disorder. facts matter. theres not a question thats been asked on this forum that doesnt have a workshop, tool, article, something on the questions and resources board, or at least an insightful thread to answer it. most have been asked many, many, many times.

where we often get stuck is when, for example, we treat every story, every pwBPD that we read about, as our ex, and we end up with more questions than answers. does your pwBPD eat cheese? do they like pokemon? are they left handed? this doesnt help anyone process, just leads to group corumination, which feeds itself. i havent read the entire discussion from before this thread was resurrected, but it appears to have gone down that road. there really is no one size fits all answer. some of the most miserable and unstable relationships last the longest irrespective of BPD. some explode quickly. id boil it down to the two people involved and their needs.

We NONs are all different. I'm very different from you, you're very different from Onceremoved, Onceremoved is very different from Penelope35, Penelope35 is very different from C.Stein, and so on. Same goes for our exes. No two are the same even though they might both have BPD.?

all very true though ill admit i see, if not just as much, even more commonality between us than our exes. not that we are all, for example, codependent. if you date two different introverts, youll experience some commonality between two entirely different people. but that while there are similar patterns in our stories, and certain common behaviors, pertaining to our exes, there is a similar profile, a similar list of issues that apply, to varying degrees, to the vast majority of us.

the need to solve the puzzle for example

[bus boy]

I loved ex BPD wife very much. I am co dependant, my father was a good man but hard core old school, right off the farm, he could be rough around the edges, so I think I just fell into her mould very easy. I think the idealization phase was short to non existent bc I shared my fears of being alone, I was very easy pickings. I don't feel it was age, it was my willingness to take the blame for everything, let my self be bullied, manuplating,  she told me many times how gullible I was. It was all the stars were aligned for a perfect storm, she was hurricane BPD and I was empath island.

[jbkt16]

I just ended a 12 year marriage with my BPD ex. To answer your question  (just for my case anyway), he was always this way. He seemed to "hide it" better in the beginning. He would go longer being nice. I made excuses for him initially, by the time I realized how bad things were and that I needed out, we had kids. So as a mom it's not that easy to just "break up" the family. But as he became more and more abusive I started realizing that I was raising boys that would think abusing women was ok, and I knew it was time to go. Best decision ever... .