I have been reading through a lot of the posts on here, and some past ones, and am gathering together things that seem helpful. Many of them seem mostly helpful in the angry explosion mode. For instance, I have written down:
-Do not accept blame when it is undue, and try to state this.
-Be non-reactive, respond without pleading, apologising or anger (that's a hard one!).
-Validate his feelings not his words, and if this is not heard enforce a boundary.
-Let him explode to your boundaries (this one has always scared me the most, that he will pull the nuclear plug and throw me out).
This is all really helpful, and I am learning a lot.

However, in the angry silence of a stonewall I am still unsure what to do. I have also written down:
-Let him manage his own feelings, politely disengage.
-Don't ride his rollercoaster (I like this a lot, but it is very hard to disentangle your own feelings).

Does this seem like a good interpretation of what I am reading? Is there anything else I can or shouldn't do? It's been over a month of silence, and I get awful waves of despondency.

I am learning to unpick my own issues. My own mother-in-law calls me a doormat. From childhood emotional abuse I have learnt to think that my own feelings are not valid, and that my distress is less value than other people's. Even now, my brother, who is a counsellor, gets competitive in telling me that his attachment disorder is worse than mine, that he is more messed up. That's not a fun competition to win.
I am terrified of opening up, and have never spoken of any of this to people in real life. Writing out a post here was an act of real vulnerability. For the last few hours I have sat her processing feelings of shame and anxiety. Though no one owes me a response in the slightest, having none does feed into my fear that I am posting out of turn, and I shouldn't have asked for help.

I'm working through seeing the line between the way I am and what I am experiencing, but this is hard as my instinct is always to blame myself and assume it was me, which makes strategies outlined above challenging. I have tried counselling a couple of times before, but been unlucky in that it has been very superficial. A worksheet on boundaries, does not help me work through why trying to enforce them makes me feel like I am going to vomit. I'm not currently in a financial position to try again right now.

I've dumped a lot out here, and getting away from my original question. Either way, any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you.

I've been doing reasonably well and haven't posted here in a while. But I'm now again in some distress, so decided I'd post something.

I guess the basic topic is how feelings get stirred up when a serious health issue arises.

Just for background, my ex and I were together for 25 years. It was a tumultuous and difficult relationship (as is always true with BPD), but we had a lot of compatibilities also, and I loved her. Then a stressor occurred - her son (my stepson), who would also qualify for a diagnosis of BPD, became addicted to meth, suicidal, and homeless. That destabilized my ex.

Then, in the midst of all that, I had to leave town for a month, to take care of my dying uncle. When I left, another guy started pursuing my ex (even though he was married and in what his wife believes is a monogamous relationship). The guy fully qualifies for a diagnosis of NPD - readily meets the clinical criteria. He's totally full of himself, charismatic, manipulative, prone to explode in anger, etc. And I'll mention that over the course of her adult life, my ex predominantly dated highly narcissistic individuals, with a few exceptions (myself and a couple other guys). And I'm not stating this based simply on her descriptions - it's objectively true, and has caused her a lot of trauma. As a child, she was sexually abused by her malignant NPD stepfather, and that set her preferred "type". And she generally has chosen romantic partners in that same mold, who retraumatize her.

Especially given the stress of her son's situation, my ex recognized that she needed psychotherapy, but she was having trouble finding a therapist. The guy offered to be her therapist (even though he has zero background in this area). So they bought a book on trauma therapy, and proceeded with "therapy". People with BPD need structured therapy, and often will get worse with free-association "therapy". And that's doubly true when the person acting as "therapist" has absolutely no experience and their own agenda. And the guy was constantly love-bombing her, etc.

So they ended up in an affair (that he's hiding from his wife) and she dumped me to be his secret mistress. And the pseudotherapy and whole situation really messed with her head, so her BPD symptoms are far worse than they ever were in all our years together. She now has frequent severe dissociative episodes that interfere with her ability to function in life, etc.

After this, I did engage her into getting DBT therapy, which she continued for a year and a half, but she benefitted minimally, in large part because of her resistance to the therapy and unwillingness to do the necessary homework.

For two years after this all started, I basically remained with her, essentially as a platonic "husband", hoping she would leave that guy and come back to me. Seven months ago, I'd had enough, threw in the towel, and shifted to minimal contact. After some initial depression (missing her), I began to heal and feel better.

Periodically, since this all started, she would begin to make moves to break up with the guy, because she recognized the nature of their relationship was causing her pain (exacerbating her abandonment fears, etc.). The guy led her to initially believe they might one day be a couple, then later denied this, etc. And he's extremely controlling (like most narcissists), and people with BPD don't like being controlled. A couple months ago, it looked like she might be ending the affair - and she began to engage more with her son's situation (which was fundamentally a good/healthy thing).

I'll also note here that she has COPD. It started about 15 years ago. And COPD is a progressive illness, even though she no longer smokes. A couple weeks ago, she caught what would, for most people, be a minor cold. But it turned into a serious COPD exacerbation. She couldn't get enough oxygen and was afraid, and could hardly sleep at all for a week. Seeing this happening to her hit me hard. It made me so aware of her mortality and that she'd likely ultimately die from the COPD. I was flooded with feelings of how much I loved her - cared for her. I didn't say any of that to her, though I talked with my therapist about it. And while this was all happening, she told me that she'd dropped out of DBT therapy.

She's now largely recovered from that severe COPD episode. Then yesterday, she let me know that she'd be spending a couple weeks with her affair partner (where they'd be traveling to other cities, etc.). And that hit me hard (though I worked hard not to show it). I had hoped that she was ending that relationship.   

It's not even that I necessarily want us to be back together. It's that this guy is bad for her, and clearly messing with her head, with her BPD symptoms far worse than they'd ever been. I wish she was either alone, or with a decent partner, who actually could support and love her, encourage her into proper therapy, be there for her when she needs medical care, etc. And the thought of her dying from COPD in a number of years leaves me overwhelmingly sad - because I really love her.

I feel like you all are talking me off a ledge here; thanks, I appreciate it.

kells76:
Yes, I've been reading some of your postings over the last week (side note: holy freaking ugh. I hope SD18's trip is going well) and I remember the gist of some of your material from 2020/2021. Thank you for your reply.

---No issues with parenting schedule with respect to time with me. I have noticed that 4 out of 5 times, if there is a complaint about not feeling well for school, it's on Wednesday when I normally drop her off at school and then don't have her again until the weekend. I've brought up the subject of changing to a week-to-week or some other kind of schedule, but D11 says she's happy with the current setup.

---Only somewhat. D11 and I share interests that our own things, and she has a few of her own independent interests. I do my best to let D11 know/feel that she doesn't have to be a mini-me to be accepted and loved; I just worry a lot that she's not getting that same message when she's at mom's, and what that means for her.


---Wanting parental approval and love, yup. I saw that a lot with my ex and her mom (undiagnosed, BPD queen traits)  No matter what garbage the ex MIL put her daughter through, she still kept control through, in large part, the need for parental approval (and intimidation, but that's for another day).

---I really, really like these concepts. Like I said, I needed some perspective.

ChooseHappiness:
---Thanks, but I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to do more if it meant guaranteeing a successful outcome.

---I'm hoping for something similar. Trying to keep that sense of self preserved.

---Whew, that's a tough one. I think a lot depends on how mature your child is and where they are in the relationship with their BPD parent. You might also have to worry about alienation claims.
A) Is there a school counselor you could ask- they would have access to all sorts of age-appropriate materials.
B) "Understanding the Borderline Mother" might be accessible to a 14 year old, but that's not a safe bet. (If you haven't read it, though, it's worth a read. It is out of print and somewhat spendy, but a used copy off the Internet is really worth it. And I've heard there are free pdfs out there, and if you have a local library; that's another option.)
B.5) I don't really recommend "Surviving a Borderline Parent" in this situation. It's a good read for someone who is out of the FOG and has an adult perspective on relationships, but not for someone who is 14 and (likely?) still working through stages of grief.
C) You could also step back and focus on the problem from a toxic parenting perspective. If you're willing to start simple and sort of reframe BPD as an addiction to avoiding shame, there are a lot of teenager-appropriate resources that deal with having a parent with those sorts of problems. Might be a good place to start your Mental Health Book Club with your 14 year old.

ForeverDad:
I will have her back for as long as she needs me. :-)

I have to totally minimize communication. I keep it to text.

Burly Guy... weird, unless mom's pulling a deal like her husband?

William Eddy (mediator, lawyer, author and lecturer) states that 10-15% of divorce cases involve Personality Disordered spouses.  And most of us here found that mediation typically fails in our cases because the problem parent is too entitled and controlling to genuinely negotiate so early in the process.  No wonder that she stated "85% of divorces are settled in mediation"... that 85% is the portion not seriously disordered.


That's what I discovered.  When there were no court orders my police limited themselves to defusing incidents (by separating the spouses) and not who had the child.  My police consistently told me to "fix it in court".  They did not force a child transfer.

I would suggest that you seek some way, perhaps in a preemptive protection order or residency order that states your preschooler resides with you in the meantime.  Any visitation can be by phone, video chat or supervised by a trained professional until the court has its initial hearing where it listens (warning: probably quite briefly) to each side and a temp order is made.

Remember, forget your inclination to "be fair".  Court doesn't care about fairness or niceness.  While it doesn't want either side to be blocking just to block, as long as you're not nasty or aggravating the situation, you can stick to what's best for both you and your young preschooler.

I can’t reply much tonight but know you are supported here. I’m thinking of you and glad to hear you found a lawyer who’s taking your situation seriously.

It is so good that you have equal time with your daughter.  Do not feel that you are powerless or must choose to passively parent.  As a reasonably normal parent you probably have reasonably normal moral codes or belief systems that are no less important than whatever your ex professes.  Be an empowered father rather than intimidated.  Most today are too young to have ever watched "Father Knows Best" on TV but likely you've seen clips... be a wise and unshakable father.  You can stand up - in a validating and empowering way, positive rather than negative patterns and examples - so that life's decisions and paths are not left up to a pre-teen to stumble through or be overly influenced by her constantly changing and unpredictable mother.

Went to SD16's extracurricular on Saturday. I do recognize that I've been on high alert, scanning for any clue or sign that might give me a hint of what to expect.

H and I got there first, then Mom and Stepdad showed up, plus a guy with Mom I'd never seen before -- a huge burly guy. He didn't seem to say anything or interact with anyone that much. Stepdad jumped right into volunteering, making friends with the refs/coaches, laughing really loudly, asking if anyone needed anything, taking long videos of SD16, etc. It felt performative. Both Mom and Stepdad took time to play with/hang out with B11 in front of H and I. Later, Mom's "friend" (girlfriend? person who went with Mom to SD16's school play) showed up, and apparently did not know Burly Guy.

SD16 did great, so that was fun to watch. She's really good at what she does. Her coach said she might be good enough to take the team to nationals. Super proud of her 

SD16 didn't ignore us or pretend we weren't there. She said Hi during halftime to both groups (us and Mom), and was fine with coming back with us after the event (no protest behavior or "I'm just too tired, can I go back to Mom's). We even had to swing by Mom's place later to get some of SD16' stuff, and again, she didn't try any "well I'm here already, and I kind of decided I just want to stay here" moves.

Even though we missed a chunk of our weekend with her (4pm Fri to ~1pm Sat she was with Mom), maybe she is trying the best she can? And it does seem like when she misses time with us, it is for social/peer interaction, vs "I just want to be with Mom". We're supposed to be together this Friday but she wants to do an out of town thing, so we won't see her at all. But it's with a peer aged friend, not with Mom.

I have no idea who the burly guy is and it's bugging me, likely because there is a history of weird stuff happening out of nowhere and catching me off-guard. I want to know what the deal is so I'm not blindsided. H and I didn't ask SD16 who the guy was and she didn't offer the information (which is appropriate).

A little part of me is now wondering if he's a parenting supervisor? Like if Stepdad ended up agreeing to a safety plan with CPS involving supervision? I have no idea. He left the event with Mom, not Stepdad. It's all really weird.

I need to see if I'm up for calling the hotline and asking for an update on the report.

So, so true Augustine, thank you.

BPD behaviour, at least that of my ex, is literally just that... dichotomous. And it is so hard to resolve in your head. Because my brain doesn't work that way.

As I work towards more security in myself and my thinking, I feel confident I'll see it much clearer and feel a stronger resolve to step completely away from the madness and feel okay about there being some unresolved things between us. But I think the work then becomes dealing with the pain I feel from buying into the dream that he sold... and dissolving any type of hope that he could ever follow through with any of those promises.

As my psych said, everyone has hope and the ability to heal to some degree. But I'm the least likely person he's going to change for now - because he tried and it failed, multiple times... so I need to give up hope that even if we tried again, it would be any different. He's already laid down deep tracks of disrespect, betrayal and lies with me... so it needs to be a new person, someone he doesn't want to risk losing... coming back to me just keeps him stuck in his patterns... and it does look like he's trying to reconnect with his ex before me (the dangerous, abusive narcissist he monkey branched to from me and then back to me)... so it's clear he's not ready to face any of it yet.

Will definitely keep you updated as therapy progresses.