Also, many of our disordered did jump into new relationships or overspent or made predictably bad financial decisions.  Don't get angry, don't argue when you know the other won't listen.  They're adults.  Let it go.  While they are focused (or distracted) on 'whatever', you focus on healthy goals for yourself and your parenting.

Yes, we do not block the other's parenting.  And some reasonableness too is advisable.  But on the other hand we realize our ex-spouses are dysfunctional and we are in the best position as reasonably normal parents to provide balanced parenting.  The risk is that our ex-spouses have perceptions and lives that are in constant flux and if we relax a court order (a type of boundary) then we and the kids too can be swept up into chaos that is hard to undo.

I agree they are better off in a stable environment.

I just can't believe that for 11 years and all these kids, everyone called her supermom.  She was a stay at home mom all day long.  Straight said by.  I'll start my possession in August.  Even then it's 2 days out of every 14.  She will take them out spoil them and send them home.  Not active in school, activities, or providing clothes.  She gets to come around have fun and leave.  I would never have left my kids for 2 months then taken that terrible custody schedule.  I'm mystified.

She lives an extreme lifestyle.  130k a year and big time broke.  What guy in his 40s to 50s would get with a woman with 5 kids and pick up a huge tab.  She's beautiful and uses sex to get her way then the sex stops.  A mature guy would see her anger and red flags and walk away.  The kind of person in that age group that stays scares me.  Don't want my kids around.  Her second husband beat her.  My step son confirms he saw it.  I asked why she stayed, she told me she was a single mom with bills, what did you expect me to do?  Crazy

I'm not doing any crazy modifications.   It's summer and school is out.  I still think the kids need their mother in their life.  If she asked to pick them up for a day or take them for a couple of days I would not have a problem.  Once school starts I wouldn't do that.  I'm always going to do the right thing.  She basically gave them up.  I won't keep her from them.

Hi! Thanks a lot for the response!
Joining the forum, and your response, helped me feel more hopeful about my relationship, therefore things have been better with my boyfriend.

Thanks to your response @tina7868, I understood that one of my problems was I was not being specific enough when giving validation to him. Things have been a lot calmer, and most of all, it really helped me see things in a non personal way.

I usually respond focusing on the epicenter of his emotions, and validating how he feels. It seemed like it's been helping him to feel validated by me, but I still ran into a problem. He seems to be upset or suspicious about the fact that my communication style has changed and I sound a bit too robotic, or like an NPC. Is this normal or again, I'm doing something wrong? He wants me to talk to him in a more personal way and I think it's fair for him to ask, I just really don't know how to do that. Maybe I'm just scared?

I now have a situation where validation doesn't seem to help. When me and him had a big argument, and while I was distancing myself from him, I found a group of friends. Now he's telling me that he's unhappy about my group of friends, and he's asking me to find new ones.
His message: its not triggering because its like im reliving it and i feel abandoned when you spend time with them, but because you treated me like complete PLEASE READ and you showed me that i was worthless to you during the time i am refering to

I apologized for what I did, and I explained I don't want to get rid of my friends. I was at a very low time when I found them, and I need them. He is still upset and wants me to get rid of them.

I really don't want to get rid of them and I don't want this to create a huge drama. Any tips on how to handle all of this?

Thank you

Accusations are confessions…

That WAS the exact phrase I had heard in the media, and that was the phrase I used with her in our first conversations I mentioned above.

So much irony. We had the exact opposite of that. But again, I did do the very conscious and loving attempt at communication. I even told her I loved her in our final conversation but that her behavior really confuses me and she accuses me of and yells at me for the very things she does to me and I don't do. Obviously that did not go over well.

That may be one reason why she let you have the kids. So much easier to find a guy when there aren't kids living at home.....

If she's that unstable, the kids are better off with the arrangement you have as it's more stable.

It's good to see you Mommydoc!

One consideration that has helped me is to realize that the skills we gain when dealing with a pwBPD are our skills and they help us in other situations and relationships- such as this one- were we have "radar" around disordered people.

I think sometimes people perceive that learning these skills as doing this for the pwBPD. It may feel unfair- the other person has the disorder- why do we have to do this work? But the work is actually for us- we keep the skills and knowlege we work at.

It helps me to know that sharing the information I learned might help someone else on this board. It also helps me to share, ask for advice/support and share the "company" of others who also "get it".

These disorders are on a spectrum so while my BPD mother may be one of the more challenging people I have interacted with, it's helped me to work with other situations such as at work or other people I may interact with.

There's a time and place for everything. If there's grief, or a recent disolution of a relationship, or an encounter with someone- this could be a time to regroup, self care.

Thanks, @Notwendy and @CC43. 

I am sticking with my boundaries at this point and I am sure that is what is leading to all the abuse. I have also registered for a course in establishing boundaries with mentally ill loved ones and another course specifically for dealing with loved ones with BPD. I'm sure I will learn some more skills soon.

At this point, I am not planning to respond to her.

Thanks very much for the advice so far!