Does anyone have any perspective on this?

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for many years and just recently realised my relationship partner has BPD (undiagnosed). The character of our relationship changed from congenial to distant.  One day he loves me so much and then he withdraws. Once he ghosted me but came back two days later with only a “hi”. He refused to explain and acted like nothing had happened.  Other than this, he has never been physically or verbally abusive. He had told me he loved me but is totally emotionally invulnerable.He forbid me to mention anything about his personality or character to him.  When I originally met him he impressed me as strong and independent but the last time I saw him he seemed meek and dependent.For the last 3 days he reads my posts but doesn’t comment.When I mentioned this he said “So it seems”. I got tired of this up and down emotional behavior, was so angry and blocked him.  I will not return

I don't know how it is in your situation but saying something to my BPD mother isn't effective and her response is to minimize it. If it makes any difference- my BPD mother still doesn't "listen" to me but to describe it- she doesn't perceive "me"-  the "me" that is an individual and also boundaries.

What I see your D saying isn't a complaint or over complaining. She's 12- she perceives something but doesn't have a way to express it. "Mommy doesn't listen to me" is her way of saying her mother doesn't perceive her as an individual with her own needs and feelings.

Asking for time to do homework isn't an unreasonable request. What your D is saying is that she cares about her school performance and needs time to work on her assignment. Her mother isn't just not listening to her. She is dismissing something important to your D. She is choosing her own wishes over those of her D.

This is the shift in the relationship with a teen child. The teen is becoming more autonomous and the parent needs to be discerning about when to let go and give them some more self direction. This depends on the request and their behavior. If your D watched TV instead of doing homework- then she isn't ready for the concession, but it sounds like your D is doing homework- and this is a reasonable request. If her mother didn't feel like cooking dinner and wanted to go out to eat- she could instead change course and order take out- win win for both.

It also seems that this isn't a one time thing but often- BPD mother taking the kids out instead of staying home where D can do homework and so this could be more problematic.

Younger kids are less autonomous and so have to do what their parents choose for them. Teen begin to make their own choices but still need parental boundaries. The parent shouldn't give them too much autonomy but also not too little. It's not always clear how to navigate this. On your part- hear your D out. If she's truly finding it hard to do homework during her time with her mother- how can something be worked out so she has this time?

Hi Gigi213
I agree that this is quite delusional - and perhaps you need to take some professional advice regarding what to do.

The fact that it has gone on for so long is a great concern. If it was something she instigated for a particular purpose eg keeping the boyfriend then I would think she would have 'wound up' the story by now. If dd has gone in so deep that this is reality to her, then I personally think it is something I would seek a medical opinion on. Perhaps even talking to your GP and see if you can be guided through this tricky situation.

Gosh . . so difficult!

I finally started therapy - it was four long months of being on the waitlist, and I was literally gagging at the bit to get in there and get some of this experience out...

I feel like my psychologist is going to be a great fit for me - she also does EMDR and comes highly recommended (hence the wait), so I'm excited to dig in with her.

The first session, she said something about us getting to the point where I finally accept my ex's limitations and drop any further hope. And that comment really did hit me hard, because i realised in that moment that I have been and still am holding hope - even against my logical mind. It seems my head and heart aren't yet in the same place.

My ex reappeared again last week and came in hot for a day... wanted me to sleep with him... sending me links of properties in the countryside (because that was always our dream). I said no... it was hard and hurt to say no... which he could see clearly... I showed my upset and confusion... told him that the chaotic back and forth has caused me a lot of anxiety... and then when he turned cold and distant again, that hurt even more, and messed with my head for a while.

My psych was understanding of the fact I've been hopeless at sticking to no contact. And that's what we'll work on in sessions - building that strength and confidence. I've also deleted all of his messages and his number... so I can't contact him first. But I don't feel okay about blocking him, and actually I think this just adds to the drama of it all. I'm accepting it's baby steps.

Wish I knew what was needed to truly drop all hope.

Dear Sancho,

Thank you so much for your reply and words of wisdom, it is really appreciated. I hadn’t thought about little ones ‘dad’ not preventing the behaviour due to dd’s historical reactions. The parents reaction to the event has been confusing for us and goes against common sense, but sadly we are dealing with BPD and the challenges it brings to the whole family including dd, we are so sad that she suffers in this way.

Great suggestion about using JADE, my husband has used it this week to reach out and attempt to move things forward, he is amazing to keep his calm and not engage when accused of emotionally abusing his grandson. DD remains adamant that he cannot be around her boys and unfortunately we have to accept this. I agree with you and will keep the door open when she texts me, my priority is to de escalate where I can, not add to the drama and hope that they remain as functional as possible to be a little family and care for each other and the little ones to the best of their ability. My husband has asked if he can reach out in a few weeks to chat about moving things forward, dd has agreed to this which I think is positive. Our plan is to trust in the evidence based communication approaches to manage BPD and hopefully with time healing/another target coming into play will occur, which means dd paints her dad white again. What a roller coaster, thank you for your help on this crazy ride

Hi,

My husband is not diagnosed with bpd, but recently reading in to it, it feels suddenly like things make sense, and reading advice on these forums has been eye opening for me. I am making a list of strategies to try.

He has always had anger issues, which he admits to, but has always been resentful of any suggestion of therapy. He is from a conservative culture with a lot of stigma attached to mental health needs.

He has always had outbursts, and blocks and stonewalls people. He holds on to a lot of resentment. He has difficulty maintaining long term friendships, he will have one friend constantly by his side then all of a sudden they are out. He pushes away most of his family.

He has always had angry, silent periods with me, but it feels they are getting more severe, occurring more frequently, lasting for longer (months at a time), and triggered by smaller things. His previous outburst was because I asked a question about finances. He then didn't speak to me for 2 months, and only started again as I was nearly deported from the country where we live because he wasn't supporting my visa application.

It often takes a huge event like that to pull him out. He was ignoring his mother until she ended up in icu with (stress induced) high blood pressure.

He also has alcohol issues, he was sober for nearly a year until this latest outburst, but has started drinking again. He made himself dangerously ill with drinking previously. I understand the frustration that he feels he quit and nothing in his life improved, so he may as well drink. But he is not dealing with or facing the reasons why he drinks.

His most recent outburst started a month ago. There was no obvious preceeding trigger, certainly no fight or angry words. He has had a medical issue that has been chronic and causing him discomfort, and I think he blames me for it, or feels I am not supportive enough. I have done what I can, but it is not in my power to cure it.
So, he suddenly became angry, he won't let me stay or sleep in the same room as him. He said he needs space, and has shouted this at me while holding a hand in my face. I have not got angry, though I did ask him to stop slamming doors which caused him to get more angry and swear at me, which he doesn't usually do.
I have sent him a message to say I am ready to talk when he is. I say hello, and occasionally ask small questions, which he either ignores or gives a painful one word response to.
He is drinking again, coming home around 2pm, and then leaving in the morning without speaking. I don't know whether to continue to respect his need for space, or whether to force a showdown which will be explosive. He has never been violent to me, but the anger in his eyes scares me, as much for him as me. He has high blood pressure, and his face is puffy and unhealthy.

We live with his elderly mother who he is also ignoring, and she is devastated too. He talks briefly to out (10 year old) daughter when he actually sees her. But she is smart and emotionally intelligent, and this affects her too.

He just doesn't seem able to climb down or even to verbalise why he is angry. In the past he has told me that he feels no one cares about him. The whole household tiptoes around him, and I am now learning that this isn't helpful. I have a gentle and timid nature, and hate conflict. This is making me so sad, and I want to help him, but I just can't get through the wall.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much

Very impressive Tina!

I will admit to feeling mad at him for reaching out to you when he 'needed' you, even while he was with the other person, but especially now that the other person is gone. I would hate for you to get hurt again, but it seems like you are doing very well with you emotions.

I've been checking in with D12 when I see her, and I saw her more as I took the kids to both dental and ortho appointments two days last week (my schedule is more flex and I can do more WFH, so no problem). D says it's OK now.

There may be a listening thing here. Over a month ago, D complained that mommy didn't listen to her that she needed time to do homework, but instead took them out to eat one night, and another night to them to grandma's which is noisy with nowhere to study. I mentioned what D said and her mom minimized it. Whether or not what D wants is legit, or maybe over complaining, her feelings are real, so D feels invalidated, "mommy doesn't listen to me." I had them until 6PM Friday and will pick her up from school tomorrow at 230PM and I'll ask how things are. It's now my week except for the Wednesday switch day.

It's a good point made about a 4.0 student with no behavioral problems at school juxtaposed with what sometimes goes on at home. D12 thinks the fights and social media bullying at school is stupid as well.

Thank you very much for this kind and detailed information! I definitely was this person's favorite person for a couple years, but that seemed to change about 6 months before they stopped being a part of my life. They still say things like they miss me and love me, so I'm hoping that means that the time apart with no contact will give us time to work on ourselves and try to reconnect some time. In my reading, a discard where someone says they still have those feelings for you is usually related to fear of abandonment, but our conflict was definitely around engulfment. Is it typical for a person with BPD to end a relationship due to engulfment but still retain positive feelings? When I read about final discards it's usually pretty clear that they have negative feelings for you at that point. Is it more likely that this is not a final discard if they still say they miss me and love me? Is anything I've written here a predictor on how No Contact might ultimately pan out in this situation, or is it one of those things where every person and situation is different?