Bless you. And thank you.
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Can you say to her, that your husband can not do her grocery shopping and eventually neither of you will be able to do it?
Not without being screamed at that we don't love her and we're selfish and don't care about her. Then she goes on and on about how much other children do for their aging parents. That's her evidence that we don't love her. As for her mail, it's just outside her front door but involves a step which she can't navigate with her walker. She is fragile and afraid of falling (has had numerous falls already with broken bones - she has osteoporosis so severe her bones are like powder) so she gets anyone who comes to her house to check her mail for her.
My H and I had a meeting with a home care nursing supervisor who apologized to us multiple times for the underling who said "a meeting with me was not worth her time and resources". The meeting went well from the perspective that we were well received, and listened to and heard by two "higher ups". Maybe it was lip service. I don't know. We had our "presentation" ready with concerns, facts, points and examples. They showed interest and some muted shock. They thanked us at the end for taking the time to meet with them, and said they would be talking to the employee who had said "I wasn't worth her time and resources". At the end of the meeting, we gave them the print copy of our presentation. Again they thanked us. A tentative plan was put in place moving forward. It hinges on them doing a Rai assessment in her home - sometime.
We will see. I have low expectations as anything else just sets me up for more disappointment than I already feel.
Mom's family lives late in their 90's. All of them. They are malingerers - 96, 97, 98 etc.
When I reflect on what I have done for my mom over a lifetime, I realize how stupid and naive I was to think that I could ever "be enough" for her. The harder it got, the harder I tried. I devoted so much of myself to her. Now I'm just plained burned out, and recognize that by taking care of her and her needs, I neglected myself. I'm frustrated, sad, and still at a loss because I feel so trapped by my own values.
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I am wondering about perhaps if it would help you to start another thread on possible solutions to getting your mother checked on so you can go travel and/or retire.
I have given up on solutions Zachira. There are no solutions that are acceptable to her. I have been told by different people including people in home care that probably nothing will change until something catastrophic happens to her, which is what will ultimately "force" her into a home, or, to accept "home care".Coming out of retirement to escape her seemed like the answer at the time. But now working has imprisoned me because I don't have the freedom to live my retired life and do things I want.
Doing so would just bring on the same problems that drove me back to work in the first place.
Thanks for checking in Zachira. I appreciate you reaching out.