I don't have any advice but a lot resonates with me, it's sad seeing similar patterns play out for someone else.  Accountability is what I've been looking for but it seems an impossible task for my pwBPD.  He's started therapy recently and he did say interesting thing that came out of it was he felt blamed a lot as a child.  Subsequently he now can't seem to take blame well or (as you said) will take the majority of the blame as long as I'm held responsible for some too, and that says "everything wrong in the relationship must be his fault" - with the tone being -he's the poor blamed victim.

I've probably not been any help but I hear you and it's hard

I'd be grateful for some advice on how to communicate with family members during grief. My UBPD mother passed away just a month ago.  I won't go into all the ways my mother was domineering, empathetic, cruel, supportive, critical, organized and irrational.  We've all been there. 

Today I'm struggling on how to talk about grief and how her death has affected me with family members, particularly my stepfather. I didn't grow up with my stepfather (I was an adult when he married my mom), but they were married for 30 years.  We were never really close - my mother had to be at the center of every interaction or would get furious - but he and I both are trying to work on that now. 

We have a phone call once a week and check in on each other.  He talks a lot about the work he's doing on grief, going to meetings, reading books, volunteering at the hospice, etc., which I'm very proud of him for.  He's struggling so much, trying to figure out a life without his partner.  What is hard is when he says to me, "But I imagine it's so hard for you, too, since you've lost the best mother anyone could ask for."   Well, considering that he was present for some EPIC blowouts with my mom, I'm left speechless that he could have this rosy, golden view of our relationship. 

The man is barely holding on at the moment, not getting any sleep, and having to deal with massive amounts of red tape, all while facing a life without any relationships except a stepdaughter and two adult stepchildren (he cut off all contact with his own family because my mom asked him to and she rejected any overtures of friendships).  I don't want to blast him with my version of our relationship, but I also don't want to start building this relationship on a dishonest, unhealthy foundation.  I'm finally free of walking on eggshells, there's no way I'm going to start that up again!  Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi everyone, this is my second post, and after reading some of your stories, I'd like to tell you mine, it's going to be a bit long...sorry!

I'm a 35-year-old "guy" with a high-profile job that requires a lot of responsibility (for real). I come from a wonderful family. My parents love each other, there was never any abuse or betrayal, and everything I know about love I learned from them...

I'm in a relationship with a beautiful 25-year-old woman who has a great job at a large company. She comes from an extremely toxic and dysfunctional family, which she identifies as the root cause of her "problems."
Our relationship is trapped in a cycle of "you're the love of my life" followed by "you're the worst person I've ever met."
This cycle has been going on for two years now.

I've seen every red flag since we started dating, but I chose to stay against the advice of my friends who said, "Why don't you run away? You could have anyone, more stable person!"  My mind often agrees with them, my whole body tells me she's the right woman for me.

I've been in therapy since before I met her (my job requires a lot of stability and I decided to seek support five years ago), and she started therapy a year and a half ago to talk about problems with her family, not because of problems with me. Up until then, everything was fine, but then the crises began.
According to her therapist, "I wasn't good for her; not all people are compatible; she should try to repair her relationship with her father," and so she began to reconnect with her family. She became extremely suspicious of me, started checking out women on my social media, and would start arguments based on jealousy strictly arguing she wasn't jealous at all.
She often broke up with me, only to regret it and come back within 12-24 hours. 
After one of these discussions I was completely confused, nothing seemed to make any logical sense, everything seemed the opposite of how I've always lived my life and I ridiculously decided to copy our messages, about 200, and paste them into to Google Gemini with the message "help me understand what's going on?" .. it seems stupid but it was Gemini who told me for the first time about BPD, DBT, splitting and so on.  So I changed my approach, I read 6 books that talked about BPD, I started putting the suggestions into practice and some of them worked sporadically and I also started investigating what she was doing in therapy and I discovered that she was doing EMDR and that the only diagnosis she had was an "anxiety disorder"... I expressed my doubts to my therapist who confirmed that "maybe an anxiety disorder treated with EMDR sounded unusual" without ever talking to me about BPD... so I decided to ask my girlfriend if she wanted to start couples therapy where I made sure the therapist was specialized in BPD.
In the six months of couples therapy, she felt better in the hours following the therapy, she left the room happy, she felt understood, she was enthusiastic but after a few weeks (usually 3) there were some nasty arguments... in the end she decided to end both her individual therapy and couples therapy... officially because it was too expensive (as a old school man, i was paying for the couples therapy) but this decision strangely came after a disappointment at work for which she blamed me partly.

During the last session with the couples therapist, where I was alone, I asked the doctor to be more clear with me because I was convinced my girlfriend had borderline personality disorder. The doctor said that in the six months of therapy she hadn't been able to give a specific diagnosis, but that she also believed that the individual therapy my girlfriend had undergone hadn't been adequate, because she had very strong traits of borderline personality disorder, with ADHD and OCD traits. A psychiatric evaluation, perhaps with pharmacological help, would have been very helpful. She also told me that, given her family history, she was actually lucky: she had never harmed herself, and she didn't have extreme sexual behaviors or substance abuse, but she did have severe emotional dysregulation.

Officially, BPD has never been diagnosed...if it makes any difference

Over the next 4 weeks, we went on vacation and spent quality time together. We started planning to look for a house to rent together, and everything was going well. One day, while we were looking at a house we had our heart set on, we realized it wasn't what we expected, and we were disappointed.
That same day, she was diagnosed with some health issues that required testing, and this was causing her a lot of stress.
That same evening, she grabbed my phone and started scrolling through conversations, opening every chat that had a photo of a woman (sometimes it was colleagues telling me they'd be late for work or asking me work informations, sometimes women I didn't respond to, other times it was my cousin). She ended up with an 8-month-old conversation where I was venting to a woman about "why I'd been dumped even though I'd never cheated on anyone."...in those days I had been dumped and I needed to talk to someone in my same situation. This message sparked the argument.  I was called "half a man, disgusting, a traitor, the worst being in the world" and she threatened me to leave.
Ufortunately I lost control, my body collapsed, I had a panic attack, I punched the car door few times, I pulled my hair, I cried desperately....and in the end I screamed at her with all my lungs to get out of my car and disappear from my life.

I'm really ashamed of this, I'd never lost control like this and I was afraid of hurting myself, maybe hitting a glass or something not because I wanted to... I didn't know who I was anymore. I was desperate... my individual therapist told me a few months ago that I was exhibiting signs of C-PTSD (I slept poorly, I deleted myself from all social media, I quit the gym, I almost never saw my friends and I was often dissatisfied with my life). When I had the emotional breakdown, she changed her attitude, she tried to be there for me but all I wanted was for her to disappear from my life.
I kept telling her like a broken record, "I want to go home, please go away" and so after an hour she eventually got out of the car...

She sent me several messages telling me she apologized for dragging me into her abyss, that she would do anything to restart the relationship, she would resume therapy and that she didn't mean all the things she said.  I haven't replied to any messages, and now after 3 days I feel lost... really... and saying these words is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this story is so long... but it's the first time I've written down everything that happened...

 I need to talk.

However you decide to handle the separation or possible divorce, and whether he is self-sabotaging, worrying, triggering himself or whatever, I would suggest you make any visitation as reduced-stressful as possible.  As previously commented, maybe a schedule might not always work since his mental state doesn't run on a schedule.  Perhaps having planned visits leaves too much time for expecting that next date to find him in a good place mentally.  Playing it by ear, watching for one of his good (or less bad) days and having brief visits might be a strategy that works for him.  Courts generally don't favor such flexible (vague) visitation arrangements but he might be willing to join you in settling on such terms.

On a pragmatic note, he's been in therapy for a few years and there might not be much improvement for even more years.  Sort of, reality.  You might not want to lock him into overnights or entire weekends since that might be more than he can handle.

And of course the children shouldn't be stuck in the middle on his bad days.

We've been together for almost 3-4 years now and we are both young adults. We did have an instance where we did break up a year in because I got really overwhelmed with personal stress with school, but we did end up rekindling and we got back together and it's very well ever since. We are long distance but we see each other every few months when possible.

There are other instances where they isolate themselves over a conflict we have and I tend to give them space and we talk it out. I also do research abt BPD in my spare time and we practice DBT skills a lot.

We've had some conflicts like minor misunderstandings, but we were able to set successful boundaries over that. Sometimes they isolate because of a conflict we have and I tend to give them space and eventually we talk it out after a couple of hours, but they did get better at opening up to me little by little about what bothered them/me or what made them/me upset.

We haven't had conflicts as of recent within the last few months, it's not a common occurrence for us, but I would say of recent there have been some of conflicts outside of our relationship like friendship conflict or family conflicts on their end. Majority of the time it's their friends ignoring the fact my partner has BPD. My partner has been open to me several times about how I've been the only one who's put in a genuine effort into learning about their BPD besides the professionals they've been to. Even people they've known since childhood don't bother to look into it either. What really is a pain for them is the attachment they have for those people. The attachment stems to trauma back from childhood.

This is the first time that they have been isolated from me for this amount of time. They also have a disorganized attachment style alongside this as well so that might play a big factor into this as well. I've been in contact with a family member of theirs and she's been aiding my partner to getting better treatment and more therapy.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and please know that many of us have been right there with you.  It's so incredibly hard for everyone involved.

For your current situation, it does sound like splitting (or just disordered thinking in general) and it's a hallmark of BPD.  When those dark thoughts creep in, everything feels like doom and gloom without any path forward. 

It sounds like your partner sees this pattern clearly and is talking it out with you...that's a very good thing.  Continue talking, if possible, and keep the dialogue about their (and your) feelings.  Don't focus on the relationship at the moment because that may feel like a burden, a weight to carry when things are already heavy.  A break is fine if that's what they need.

How long have the two of you been together?  Is this the first time you've faced something like this in the relationship?  Talk that out a little bit so we can have more insight on the relationship dynamic.

Also, if feels like the two of you are younger...is that correct?  Sometimes BPD is more intense for those who are still maturing.

I'm sorry that you're still in the exact same place as earlier...I remember us having this conversation over a year ago and I don't have anything additional to add.  I will remind you though that you're a legal parent and have every right to do with the kids as you please.  Her saying, "You can't do that under any circumstances," are just words.  You are choosing to abide by those words to appease her.

She has an 11 day trip opportunity- tell her to go and have fun.  Go visit your mom with the kids during that time.  It's a win-win.

There's two paths here. 

1)  Tell her to take the almost free vacation, and take the kids to see mom without telling her.  Then talk to her about it once she returns.

2)  Tell her the kids are visiting your mom for the week, so she might as well take the almost free vacation.  Now you're fighting before the trip instead of after.

In either situation though, the key is standing your ground and making it very clear that she does not get to dictate some things in life.  If she doesn't want to see your mom, fine.  But you have every right to and so do the kids.  Why let her dictate that kind of rule in the first place?  If anything, it only hurts her mental illness condition since she's emboldened to make more ridiculous demands.

Stand your ground!  This is worth an argument over and potentially a separation.  I know you don't want that, but you should want your opinion heard and respected over something this serious.  If you did separate and got split custody, you'd be with your mom and the kids at least half the time.  Ask your partner if that's what she wants while you sort this out...it may help her to see reason.

There's definitely an addiction there and it does take a while for our minds to sort of reset.  I'm glad you're in a better place now though and your mind can start to heal.  Hopefully the kids adapt quickly as well!

I'm so sorry that you've been on this journey for so long and sort of stuck in limbo waiting for something to change.  I experienced that with my daughter and ex wife (both BPD) and parts of your story reminded me of each of them in different ways.  For my kid, she's always been so quick to explode when she's unstable.  DBT therapy has helped her tremendously and it's changed how she communicates a lot, but she still becomes unstable and toxic at times. 

For me, I think the key is less about her always being stable and more how I can help her work through her emotional rollercoaster as quickly as possible.

Part of the problem is the intense shame my daughter and ex feel at times; they both obsess over it and try to over-analyze everything.  But because they're doing it emotionally, their feelings are all over the place and their thinking is disordered.  They know things are their fault but because their mind is working in overdrive to find a solution, what they thought five minutes ago is no longer "fact" as they try to make sense of something that actually doesn't make any sense at all. 

Blaming me means that it's not their fault, and in some ways helps them self-regulate.  But once they tell that lie to themselves so many times, it reaps havoc on the relationship.  The real problem, of course, is mental illness.

You asked only one direct question- should dad see the kids?  I think he absolutely should...for him and for the kids.  Yet if you said, "Okay, let's meet at the McDonalds by your house with the big playground on Tuesday at 7 PM," his mind is going to obsess until that time and you're probably not going to get the best version of him.  Why?  Because he will be so scared of messing it all up, that he will inevitably mess it all up within his mind before even getting to McDonalds.  Or maybe he won't show at all due to shame and dysregulation.

The method I've adopted in communicating with my ex and my kid is apologizing for their hurt feelings and reinforcing that by telling them that I've never meant to intentionally hurt them.  You want your husband to be accountable for his mis-steps, which is what we all want, but that's literally the hardest thing in the world for him to do because of the way he processes information.  It makes sense to him at face value but after thinking about it for an hour, a week, etc, all the thoughts get jumbled and blame comes into the equation.

My advice is to get past the blame part entirely- he's flawed and you are too (he's infinitely more flawed...but we're not blaming so pretend I didn't say that).  Instead, focus on being in the moment between two flawed people who want to have the best intentions for one another.  At the first sign of spiraling, instead of leaving (or hanging up, etc) try to lean in and say it's okay.  Calm him down and reassure him that it's okay, misunderstandings happen.  And reinforce that you'd never mean to hurt his feelings.

If things still go sideways, then do what you're already doing.  I do exactly the same thing.  But I always make the effort to "save" the moment by de-escalating and letting her mind "reset" before going nuclear.  By doing this, the blowouts are far less frequent and I only see their worst maybe once per year.  Most of the time, we skip the blowouts entirely by focusing on each other and letting the moment pass.

For all the other things you mentioned, him not being able to keep a job, him lashing out to family, etc...all of that is a byproduct of not doing that one thing I just mentioned correctly.  The worst place he can be is alone in his thoughts while feeling abandoned or just a failure in general.  That's because what he's really looking for is acceptance.  You feel like you can't fully accept him until he's better....but he'll never get better until you accept him.  So there has to be a middle ground for the relationship to have a chance.  Does that make sense?

Hello, this is my first post.

I've been in a relationship with someone with BPD for a good while now. As of recently they have been going through a really hard episode right now. I believe they're splitting on themselves right now. They completely isolated themselves and have not spoken to a lot of people, including myself, during this time. They messaged me today explaining how they've been feeling with a lot of paranoia, hallucinations, and self harm. They are considering that we take a break or breakup because they're not able to hold a relationship right now and how they don't want to string me in with all of their issues as they feel guilty about it. I suggested that we take a break, and that I would focus on myself for the time being. I currently am in therapy while she is trying to seek out treatment.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice I can use during this time?