While not something to advocate (publicly) the reality is that many teens approaching adulthood do "vote with their feet" when the home environment is abusive, dysfunctional or unhealthy.  Not just to get out, but to find a healthier place.

At the least, it ought to be good for her son to seek a good counselor so he has objective input in his life.  Does his school provide counselors?

yeah, it happened in my case, and she kept trying to play coy and expected me to get upset, as though I cared that she was with someone else.  My only concern was for who was she allowing to be around my daughter.  I had more or less moved on well before we actually separated and filed for divorce and was happy to be out of there.  If it hadn't been for our daughter together, I don't think I would have ever spoken to her again after I moved out. 

ironically, when we divorced, she pushed for a "morality clause" in our temporary orders, stating that no members of the opposite sex were allowed to sleep over when our child was there.  She started violating this a couple months following our separation.  She had no concern whatsoever for anyone other than herself.

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses, it really helps getting input from people who understand, and feeling like you've been heard.

I take everything that has been said on board, both with a sense of hope and a heavy heart, having confirmed that the feeling of being quite powerless isn't unjustified. I will read more here on the forum and take solace in having found a supportive and knowledgeable group. Above all, I will think of more ways that I can be supportive and present for her son.

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, the summary above is exactly what I'm dealing with.

Today, she is 24 and newly home (at her home - with a boyfriend) from a 2-week rehab.  She is intermittently motivated to work on things, and is starting 12 weeks of IOP tomorrow.  The trouble is that she doesn't have a job (she had to quit to go to the rehab and attend the IOPs.)  I have been giving her a bit of financial support, but I find myself being resentful about this so I know I need to stop.  In the meantime she is collecting more and more pets, which makes her less and less welcome in my home should she find herself needing help again.

She was living with her dad for 4 years, and only recently moved in with the boyfriend.  I fear her being left to fend for herself by her boyfriend, being forced to move in with me or my feeling like I should financially support her while she continues to flail or possibly even becomes homeless. 

This has been ongoing for many years and I know that I have likely enabled and therefore hurt her progress.  The fact that she went to rehab willingly and is in the IOPs on her own is good, but I don't want to rescue her financially.  I want her to try and figure out a way to work and do the classes. 

Not knowing really where to draw the line, how to balance being supportive with being enabling. 

I have noticed that when I stop over-indulging her with attention in response to her threats of suicide, she seems to find some inner strength so I know that is a key to this - let her struggle a little on her own.  I don't answer the phone when she calls, purposefully waiting 30-60 minutes before responding, which is often the difference between her having an emotional outburst and her being able to think rationally.  I want to look forward to seeing her again though.

Any thoughts are helpful.

Inforthelonghaul

Oh god, I welcome this if it means I get to move on

Mentally, I'm preparing for all the possibilities. Hopefully her DBT specialist aides keeping her anchored throughout. Fingers are crossed, mind is guarded, heart is in recovery mode on a beach somewhere.

Thanks for the advice. If I understand you correctly - you are suggesting I do this to remind myself there is likely not a positive outcome to this conversation.
I continue to be stuck in a difficult spot when it comes to communicating with her. While I feel like I am gaining some clarity, I still have a very strong urge to connect with her. I tell myself it's for the right reasons, but I am not sure I can trust that part of my brain right now.

Prepare yourself for being "recycled" quickly. 

I would say that it's easier for a woman to find a man and get hooked up than vice versa, but I don't know if that's true or fair.  I can say with some certainty that it's definitely easier for a person with no standards and no qualms about using people to get hooked up quickly. 

Depending on what shared assets and debts there are, a divorce mediator may be unable to succeed.  Let me restate that... Most of us tried mediation, after all it is a required second step in a divorce, after the initial temp order.  So don't be disappointed if it ultimately ends with a stalemate.

However, most of our divorces do eventually end in settlements.  That is partly due to the multiple steps in a divorce but more likely due to the court willing to put off making rulings or decisions and instead allow repeated continuances.  (Judges don't like making decisions since they don't want an appeal to a higher court to reverse a decision.)  It's as if the court is a reluctant referee stating, "Be adults, you can work this out, so just do it."  Alas, our cases don't involve two reasonably normal adults.


It is nice to have normal conversations with overall positive people, isn't it?  But we are wise to avoid getting into another relationship before we have a measure of recovery from this one.  How to know when we are rebalanced and ready?  One way to realize this might be an undesirable rebound relationship is if we keep talking about all the crazy making experiences with our new ex.  Better to work those aspects out with a counselor.

All good stuff.  You're putting yourself first and you're creating a plan to move forward.  Either she agrees to it or she doesn't.

The biggest part is that you're healing while going through this process; that's the hardest aspect and you're handling it like a champ.  You'll continue to gain clarity as this process unfolds as well, week by week, you'll be a little bit more you.

*a few nice smiles and conversations wandering through my days, and it felt really nice to just... feel like someone was being nice? Genuinely?