I recall one incident in my final months of my marriage.  I was noticing a pattern, rather, a lack of a pattern.  I would leave in the morning with a normal spouse and return at night to a raging stranger.  I also could leave a raging spouse in the morning and return to a normal spouse.

There was one evening I returned to a normal spouse but as she was telling me about her day, it reminded her about something and all of a sudden her face reddened and contorted into her other persona.  I think I witnessed her transforming into a dissociated state.

No, it didn't start out that way, but as is often reported here, it worsened once we had a child, going from a twosome to a threesome.  I had imagined that if we had a child together, she would be happier watching our child discover the joys of life. I was so clueless then, it didn't fix what was the deeper issue, but it did make the custody and parenting issues vastly more complicated in the coming years.

The rest of my message didn't post for some reason.
What I went on to say is that it's so hard for a non BPD person to understand how someone can suddenly be so cold.

When he said 'I can't live without you' he probably did mean it. Unlike narcissistic PD, BPDs do feel love in their way. Unfortunately the feeling of being so close to someone is also a threat to them because of the fear of losing it, so they will often do the abandoning first.

Try to look after yourself and get the support you need. I know it's hard when every fibre in your being probably wants to hear from him but all it does is prolong the pain.

From what I understand, it is possible for them to come back, but less likely than in a non BPD person because they have difficulty with object permanence (the ability to hold someone in mind even when not around them). It's also a protective strategy - the fear of being abandoned is so strong that they will do the rejecting to avoid the risk of being rejected.

It's so bloody painful isn't it

Yes, it is hard to explain to someone that isn't in it! He is a delight when he's around others and yes, can switch to nice mode. Although if he's in hostile mode he will often just decide not to go out even if it's something we are both supposed to be doing, which leaves me in the lurch. There have been many times we've had something planned socially with others, something has pissed him off and he refuses to go.

That's a really helpful way to look at it actually - that it can be totally different from one day to the next. I will try and keep that in mind so I don't expect the same and feel disappointed.

what happens if they are the one who left? if they initiated the abandonment?
i thought their worst fear was me leaving. so why would they erase me out of their lives. i cant deal with seeing him move on. it ruptures every fabric of reality for me and whether any of the kindness, the "i cant live without you"s were real. him coming back, breadcrumbing, would be some sort of proof for me that he understands his part. so far, 3 months of radio silence.

ForeverDad, it was different son. My eldest was at the hospital while the drama unfolded, it was my youngest son she used and abused, while he was at my eldest sons flat looking after his dog.

Pook, thanks for this. It is highly validating and exactly where I am at word for word. It is my two sons that it bothers me the most how they fall for it, but again she is their mother and I can understand it to a certain point..

It is a cycle stretching back twenty years and it frustrates the hell out of me the chances she is given and peoples apparent amnesia to it. When I look back this includes:

Two best friends, gets involved in their marriage breakups and tries to monkey branch to the vulnerable husbands.
A much longer term best friend, her business partner. Makes plans to throw her under the bus to save the business she has mismanaged the finances with through her drug use and spending habit. Mentally and verbally abuses her when she has no other target.
Me, her husband. Lied to, cheated on, manipulated and gaslighted.
Her boyfriend, lied to, cheated on for a year with me after he gave her the one boundary not to. Being used for his money and a free roof over her head.
Her brother, used as a pawn to get our kids to go and see him at her boyfriends house, who they hate and want nothing to do with.
Her sister, also used as a pawn to try and create drama and deflect from her own behaviour by falsely claiming to her friends and boyfriend I have slept with her.
Eldest son, has used in the past to go and get class a drugs. Borrows car writes it off, changes story as to how the accident happened which he foolishly believes. Creates drama on the night his child is being born.
Youngest son, used more recently to go and get drugs, then verbally and emotionally abused, when she knows he isn’t emotionally and mentally strong enough not to do something harmful to himself.
Her father, to a lesser extent but uses him for validation for her behaviour by telling him half truths, missing out vital pieces of information that would completely rewrite his opinion.

Then there is her new circle of friends. I have nothing to do with them, but I do know one of them, one of her employees so she is being used in the sense that she is earning my ex money, she now hangs around with her a lot because she also takes drugs and validates my ex. In the past this friend has been mocked by my ex whenever she has faced life’s struggles, like having horses put down or crashing a car or her husband being unfaithful and such like. And the guy my ex admitted to having a one night stand with 20 years ago, well that was her friends boyfriend! And I have seen pictures of her friend in the nude on my ex’s phone that she had been sent by that boyfriend, and the mocking messages that followed between them.

So nobody is immune to her toxic behaviour. Sadly my eldest sons view is clouded, as he says her behaviour isn’t toxic and people just make f.. ups sometimes.

I think it's the most damaging aspect of BPD. Unless you've actually been through it, people will never believe how bad it can be.  I always think it's like a notebook where they've torn out all the previous entries and each day is totally unconnected to what's gone before.  Their ability to idolise you one moment then instantly forget you and take up with someone new is truly frightening.

Of course they have a mental illness but it doesn't justify their actions or make them easier to accept. The end product is that the non-BPD gets hurt constantly and the relationship is toxic. Plus I've always believed the BPD often knows exactly what they're doing ands not all of it is beyond their control; they can be be very premeditated when they want to be.

How is your partner when other people are around? Is he able to switch into 'nice' mode when others are watching?

Tiger72,

YES Completely understand!!!  It hard, it's difficult after so many years...of living and relating to you spouse in a way that can really strip your sense of self.  That was my experience .  Now 10 years post separation, things are so much better, and it's been a lot of work on myself over these last 10 years to understand how I got into a relationship like that for 18 years and stayed in it. 

You are not alone. 

Sluggo

The insurance terms may require you to be listed as an additional driver.

Yes, the car is going to stay in my mum's name and I'm just going to borrow it. Thanks for the advice.