We've been together for almost 3-4 years now and we are both young adults. We did have an instance where we did break up a year in because I got really overwhelmed with personal stress with school, but we did end up rekindling and we got back together and it's very well ever since. We are long distance but we see each other every few months when possible.

There are other instances where they isolate themselves over a conflict we have and I tend to give them space and we talk it out. I also do research abt BPD in my spare time and we practice DBT skills a lot.

We've had some conflicts like minor misunderstandings, but we were able to set successful boundaries over that. Sometimes they isolate because of a conflict we have and I tend to give them space and eventually we talk it out after a couple of hours, but they did get better at opening up to me little by little about what bothered them/me or what made them/me upset.

We haven't had conflicts as of recent within the last few months, it's not a common occurrence for us, but I would say of recent there have been some of conflicts outside of our relationship like friendship conflict or family conflicts on their end. Majority of the time it's their friends ignoring the fact my partner has BPD. My partner has been open to me several times about how I've been the only one who's put in a genuine effort into learning about their BPD besides the professionals they've been to. Even people they've known since childhood don't bother to look into it either. What really is a pain for them is the attachment they have for those people. The attachment stems to trauma back from childhood.

This is the first time that they have been isolated from me for this amount of time. They also have a disorganized attachment style alongside this as well so that might play a big factor into this as well. I've been in contact with a family member of theirs and she's been aiding my partner to getting better treatment and more therapy.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and please know that many of us have been right there with you.  It's so incredibly hard for everyone involved.

For your current situation, it does sound like splitting (or just disordered thinking in general) and it's a hallmark of BPD.  When those dark thoughts creep in, everything feels like doom and gloom without any path forward. 

It sounds like your partner sees this pattern clearly and is talking it out with you...that's a very good thing.  Continue talking, if possible, and keep the dialogue about their (and your) feelings.  Don't focus on the relationship at the moment because that may feel like a burden, a weight to carry when things are already heavy.  A break is fine if that's what they need.

How long have the two of you been together?  Is this the first time you've faced something like this in the relationship?  Talk that out a little bit so we can have more insight on the relationship dynamic.

Also, if feels like the two of you are younger...is that correct?  Sometimes BPD is more intense for those who are still maturing.

I'm sorry that you're still in the exact same place as earlier...I remember us having this conversation over a year ago and I don't have anything additional to add.  I will remind you though that you're a legal parent and have every right to do with the kids as you please.  Her saying, "You can't do that under any circumstances," are just words.  You are choosing to abide by those words to appease her.

She has an 11 day trip opportunity- tell her to go and have fun.  Go visit your mom with the kids during that time.  It's a win-win.

There's two paths here. 

1)  Tell her to take the almost free vacation, and take the kids to see mom without telling her.  Then talk to her about it once she returns.

2)  Tell her the kids are visiting your mom for the week, so she might as well take the almost free vacation.  Now you're fighting before the trip instead of after.

In either situation though, the key is standing your ground and making it very clear that she does not get to dictate some things in life.  If she doesn't want to see your mom, fine.  But you have every right to and so do the kids.  Why let her dictate that kind of rule in the first place?  If anything, it only hurts her mental illness condition since she's emboldened to make more ridiculous demands.

Stand your ground!  This is worth an argument over and potentially a separation.  I know you don't want that, but you should want your opinion heard and respected over something this serious.  If you did separate and got split custody, you'd be with your mom and the kids at least half the time.  Ask your partner if that's what she wants while you sort this out...it may help her to see reason.

There's definitely an addiction there and it does take a while for our minds to sort of reset.  I'm glad you're in a better place now though and your mind can start to heal.  Hopefully the kids adapt quickly as well!

I'm so sorry that you've been on this journey for so long and sort of stuck in limbo waiting for something to change.  I experienced that with my daughter and ex wife (both BPD) and parts of your story reminded me of each of them in different ways.  For my kid, she's always been so quick to explode when she's unstable.  DBT therapy has helped her tremendously and it's changed how she communicates a lot, but she still becomes unstable and toxic at times. 

For me, I think the key is less about her always being stable and more how I can help her work through her emotional rollercoaster as quickly as possible.

Part of the problem is the intense shame my daughter and ex feel at times; they both obsess over it and try to over-analyze everything.  But because they're doing it emotionally, their feelings are all over the place and their thinking is disordered.  They know things are their fault but because their mind is working in overdrive to find a solution, what they thought five minutes ago is no longer "fact" as they try to make sense of something that actually doesn't make any sense at all. 

Blaming me means that it's not their fault, and in some ways helps them self-regulate.  But once they tell that lie to themselves so many times, it reaps havoc on the relationship.  The real problem, of course, is mental illness.

You asked only one direct question- should dad see the kids?  I think he absolutely should...for him and for the kids.  Yet if you said, "Okay, let's meet at the McDonalds by your house with the big playground on Tuesday at 7 PM," his mind is going to obsess until that time and you're probably not going to get the best version of him.  Why?  Because he will be so scared of messing it all up, that he will inevitably mess it all up within his mind before even getting to McDonalds.  Or maybe he won't show at all due to shame and dysregulation.

The method I've adopted in communicating with my ex and my kid is apologizing for their hurt feelings and reinforcing that by telling them that I've never meant to intentionally hurt them.  You want your husband to be accountable for his mis-steps, which is what we all want, but that's literally the hardest thing in the world for him to do because of the way he processes information.  It makes sense to him at face value but after thinking about it for an hour, a week, etc, all the thoughts get jumbled and blame comes into the equation.

My advice is to get past the blame part entirely- he's flawed and you are too (he's infinitely more flawed...but we're not blaming so pretend I didn't say that).  Instead, focus on being in the moment between two flawed people who want to have the best intentions for one another.  At the first sign of spiraling, instead of leaving (or hanging up, etc) try to lean in and say it's okay.  Calm him down and reassure him that it's okay, misunderstandings happen.  And reinforce that you'd never mean to hurt his feelings.

If things still go sideways, then do what you're already doing.  I do exactly the same thing.  But I always make the effort to "save" the moment by de-escalating and letting her mind "reset" before going nuclear.  By doing this, the blowouts are far less frequent and I only see their worst maybe once per year.  Most of the time, we skip the blowouts entirely by focusing on each other and letting the moment pass.

For all the other things you mentioned, him not being able to keep a job, him lashing out to family, etc...all of that is a byproduct of not doing that one thing I just mentioned correctly.  The worst place he can be is alone in his thoughts while feeling abandoned or just a failure in general.  That's because what he's really looking for is acceptance.  You feel like you can't fully accept him until he's better....but he'll never get better until you accept him.  So there has to be a middle ground for the relationship to have a chance.  Does that make sense?

Hello, this is my first post.

I've been in a relationship with someone with BPD for a good while now. As of recently they have been going through a really hard episode right now. I believe they're splitting on themselves right now. They completely isolated themselves and have not spoken to a lot of people, including myself, during this time. They messaged me today explaining how they've been feeling with a lot of paranoia, hallucinations, and self harm. They are considering that we take a break or breakup because they're not able to hold a relationship right now and how they don't want to string me in with all of their issues as they feel guilty about it. I suggested that we take a break, and that I would focus on myself for the time being. I currently am in therapy while she is trying to seek out treatment.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice I can use during this time?

I’ve discussed this on here before but I’m ashamed to say I’m no further forward.

Lesbian marriage, four young children, dbpdw (in denial) won’t let the kids see my mother under any circumstances, with or without her, in any location etc.

My mother has never done anything wrong. Dbpdw says Mum has never made her feel welcome and she feels uncomfortable in her presence etc and left out. They had a text relationship but Mum has stopped bothering as everything she says gets twisted. Mum has financially supported us in many ways but w says she just “throws money at the problem”.

I can’t just go against my wife’s wishes she would physically stop my Mum coming in and would physically snatch the children from me etc. it wouldn’t be right to go behind her back. Mum is six hours away from us.

I can’t get through to dbpdw in any way. I continue a video call relationship with Mum for the kids. I have told w of my intentions to visit Mum on my own this year, she also knows I wrote Mum a song about how much I value her as my mother.

Last night w was invited on holiday by a friend who had a spare ticket as she split from her boyfriend. It is at reduced price and 11 nights. I may have been wrong in my response which was, “I would really like the kids to see my mother this year. That’s all I’m going to say.” W wants to “respect our partnership” so is now (apparently) not going on the holiday, but is making me feel very guilty about it even though I’m also a bit smug and would like her to go away for a bit. But w is staying firm that my 81 year old mother is not to see the kids under any circumstances. The littlest one is 16 months and Mum has never met him.

I have been meaning to look into whether I have legal rights in the circumstances of w and I being “together” as opposed to if we separated in which case I would be granted rights it doesn’t feel like I currently have. I don’t want to give up the marriage. It is functioning much better these days and bearable and the kids mostly are protected from the bpd not manifesting as badly as it used to. I don’t want us to separate because I want to raise them with her much as it is hard. But I also know that it is so wrong what w is doing here and I’ve told her that. She’ll happily admit her parents have given her no moral guidance throughout life. Her Dad disowned both her sisters and his own mother, I’m surprised he’s still talking to bpdw tbh.

I moved out. Got my kids out.

I'm happy SEVERE emotional swings. About 6 times in 24 hours having 15 minute episodes of "what did I do/oh my god/no please don't make this real" that bring me to the floor/sobbing. It subsides. Looking at my prior posts and my list of things that happened helps. But damn if there isn't' a chemical addiction here. Anybody else experience this? It's the worst thing I've ever dealt with emotionally

I have been living separately from my BPD husband for close to three years now due to me not being able to handle his instability.

The goal was to slowly move back together and reintegrate as a family (we have two young children), while he worked on self-regulation. He has been attending individual therapy for at least two years, and has completed two rounds of group DBT therapy. Some of his problem behaviours that made me feel unsafe are random bouts of screaming, slamming doors, dissociating (his eyes become glazed over and it looks like he is "not there"). He can get a job, but inevitably quits the job when triggered and also goes on out of control spending sprees. He is unreliable - when calm, he is sweet, caring, take-charge, and is responsible, but when triggered, he does not fulfill any responsibilities or commitments. He ruins most holidays, vacations family outings etc. by having some sort of tantrum. He has a major problem with emailing and texting in a completely out of control manner, and sometimes sends these rants to my parents and siblings, which is highly embarrassing.

Despite him consistently going for therapy, and demonstrating more insight into himself and his past, he has never taken real ownership of his issues. Sometimes I wonder what he is actually talking about in therapy. He will say sorry after "losing it" and "I have a lot of work to do," but at the same time he does not show true accountability. He has told me many times that he knows he has a problem and that he is aggressive and that he has mental health problems, but he very often says "it's not my fault" or gives the impression that he is a victim of circumstances. Or he will say that it is mostly his fault, but only if it's also a little bit my fault . It's almost like his life goal is that things should not be his fault. I have never even used this language of "fault" at all - I would have liked if we could see it as a couples' project of helping him improve his mental health and therefore our relationship, but somehow he always brings it back to this language of whose fault it is.

Even after three years of trying to get our family back together, he always ends up behaving in a way that prevents us from moving forward - hard to tell if this is subconscious sabotage or not. As of late, he had been able to go longer before losing it, but inevitably the crash came again. Also, although he will say he understands that I moved out because I did not feel safe, at the same time he constantly accuses me of stealing the kids and of living separately from him. Which obviously makes no logical sense. It's very confusing - he seems to want to work on himself so we can live together, and at the same time, he never holds it together so we can move forward.

Over time, I have created more and more boundaries in order to be able to feel emotionally stable myself and be a healthy mother for my children. Some of my boundaries are - I will not communicate with him via texting or email at all ever, given his angry rants in these domains. If he screams over the phone, I hang up, or if in person, I leave. I also never depend on him for anything - if calm, I am happy for him to help out, but otherwise I am happy to do everything myself. I never leave him alone with the kids, as I am concerned about what would happen if he was triggered and started dissociating. Until this past fall, he was participating in our lives when calm and when dysregulated I just basically shut him out in the ways I described above. I have tried validating techniques, but somehow, they don't work for him or calm him down. It's almost like he needs the release in order to go on with life. So at this point, I've given up on that.

In the fall, there was a big shift. He had the longest streak of self-regulation that he had ever had, about 6 weeks, and I could see that he was really trying. Not to say he wasn't having challenges even within this period, but it was the best he ever was, and I felt hopeful. After this, he became triggered by something and crashed very badly, and basically said I have to move back home with him and refused to engage further. I was so disappointed when he lost it after the 6 weeks, and also I could foresee that his silence would likely last a while (he can go into silent/avoidant mode when very stressed). So I decided for the first time to just leave him be and not try to help him recover or rescue him. I figured it is his chance to take accountability if he is capable of doing so, without me pushing it on him. After a couple weeks of silence, he started sending physical letters, and has been doing this for months. I won't go into the specifics of what is in them, but they are mostly what I call fantasy based. He talks about how he is renovating our place so it will be nice for the kids (he seems to have "forgotten" they don't live there), tells the kids he misses them as though he is in a far away land etc. He has not once taken accountably or said he is sorry or addressed any serious issue. He talks about random businesses he is starting (fantasy) etc.

When he initially went silent, I decided that I was not going to respond to anything that was "nonsense" or fantasy. Since there was nothing real to respond to, there has been no back and forth communication for around 4 months now, during which time he has not seen the kids or asked to see them. Recently, I got a letter from him saying that he wanted to visit with them. This was the first real communication I have gotten from him that is not in the nonsense or fantasy category. I'm worried about reopening the cycle again, as he has not taken accountability or shown any insight into anything since he went silent months ago. It has been kind of shocking to me honestly how long his fantasy letters have lasted, without my intervention. I guess I was subconsciously doing an experiment to see how he behaves when left alone, and it is not pretty.

I'm not sure what exactly I am asking from this forum, and maybe this is just me having the opportunity to express what I've been through. I have so many conflicting emotions - while I am frustrated and upset at him, I also feel really bad for him that he is this "damaged", for lack of a better word. And I can see it more clearly now that I have left him alone and been totally disengaged in his cycles while observing from a safe distance. I did respond to his request about visiting with the kids (the first letter I replied to given that it was the first "normal" thing he said) and told him I will think about what makes sense and is in their best interests. This was done in a voicemail, as he did not answer the phone, and I am guessing he is too scared to do so. Does anyone have any thoughts on what would be in their best interests? I would love for them to have a healthy relationship with their father - that was my intention the whole time in separating from my husband - but I am scared of letting him back in to our lives given that I don't see any real change in him over the past months. I guess I was really wishing and hoping that if I left him alone, maybe he would show more capacity than he has done until now. And yes, I know that this almost certainly triggered his sense of abandonment, but somehow you can never win with BPD - engagement in the cycle doesn't work and disengagement doesn't work either.

And that is the difference between a reasonably normal person versus one who is prone to repeated disordered acting-out behavior.

Of course, you can try that - just in case it works - but after a few times of the push-pull cycles continuing, you may have to accept the issues are far deeper than a quick fix can address.

Going NC (no contact) or LC/RC (low or reduced contact) may be what is required.  As for BPD, it is known that the closer the relationship, the more severe the impact on our lives.  While someone on the periphery or with only occasional contact may notice something "off", those closer are more impacted.

This is where firm Boundaries are important.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries, so we must set our own boundaries, for us, for how we respond to the poor behavior.  Granted, this is not intuitive.  A very simplistic format can be, "If you do or don't ___ then I will in response do or not do ___."  For example, if the person is ranting and raging, your boundary can be to exit and say you'll return later when the other has reset or calmed down.  It's not a fix nor does it cover every situation, but it's better than appeasing and allowing the poor behavior in your presence.