Hi 15years;

It sounds like your wife communicates that she wants you to read the subreddit page, and then you do read it. I am assuming that she knows that you read it (sees you do it, etc).

What outcome are you hoping for, when you agree to do that?

Are you achieving your desired outcome?

Does repeating what she wants you to do change anything?

Yeah I left in December of 2024 when she called the cops on me. Mine would say she hated how calm I was and needed me to show emotion and fight for her and us. Then when I'd oblige she'd tell me she missed my calm demeanor since it kept her grounded...no consistency.

She would actually smile during arguments if she got me to get loud or cry. She'd sit there smiling and I'd question her. "Oh this is just how I react in situations like this. I'm not happy or anything"...but I assume she was happy she got a rise out of me.

There are two sides, sure, but dang I tell you I never just came home or entered a room angry looking to fight. I was on eggshells trying NOT to fight.

Mine too had a weird childhood. Said screaming was normal. She'd spend the night at her friends house and the parents there would scream and curse too. Her mom cheated on her dad. She bankrupted them according to her and they lost their house. She says her sister and her would physically fight, scream, etc. My family however, very calm and 'normal'.

Yeah, if I yelled she'd just walk away happy. Or sometimes make it even worse by trying to be louder and crazier. Weird inconsistency again. Every little thing could provoke, screaming, crying, insults, slamming doors, kicking dog cages (no dog inside), hitting me, throwing barn doors off their rails. Somehow, all my fault and she felt 'unheard'. Maybe I'm asking a question that has no answer? Maybe with some of these people with multiple diagnoses and no emotional regulation, nothing truly ever works for long or consistently?

I experienced something similar as well.  BPDxw would tell me on occasion that she hated how calm I was, and it made her uneasy.  Along those lines, I recall times where I was smiling, thinking to myself of something funny that happened, or else was just in a good mood, and she would start aggressively questioning me about why I was smiling, or what was making me happy, and (of course) would eventually claim I must have someone else, or be cheating on her, or "have feelings for someone else" or whatever weasel words she'd use to phrase the question, thinking (or hoping?) I must be in love with someone else, and she was going to get me to admit it somehow.

I noticed that she seemed to enjoy conflict and felt more comfortable when we were yelling and angry with eachother.  Sounds like you maybe notice something similar in your relationship?

The conflict reduction techniques can only go so far when the other person is intentionally trying to pick a fight, in my opinion.  And it's also hard to get professionals or other people to understand this.  Those tropes about it taking "two to tango" or there being "two sides to every story" feed into the dynamic, and third parties often fall into that thinking.  Like "Well, she's way out of line here, but come on, man, you must've done SOMETHING to set her off."

In my case, as I learned more about her upbringing, seems she grew up in a high-conflict household... mutual infidelity, heavy drinking, parents always screaming at eachother, etc. And yet, she'd tell me her family were good people because even though they were emotional, they "really loved eachother," and my family were, in contrast because they were calm and polite to eachother (at least relative to how her family behaved) superficial and fake.  Whatever.

I noticed that on those occasions she caught me at a bad time, when I would lose my temper and start yelling and insulting her back, she would calm down and move on.  It was like she got the result she wanted, and in her twisted way of thinking, the fact that I was angry and yelling at her showed I cared, and the actual words I was saying didn't matter. 

But that was no dynamic I was comfortable with, nor did I want our daughter growing up thinking it was normal to live in a household that volatile, where any little thing could set someone off, and provoke a screaming, throwing things, door-slamming tirade. 

Is there any way to edit a post? I know my wall of text isn't very helpful. I was trying to get things out and I am emotional about the seeming end of my marriage.

She says I am too sensitive for her and she needs things to change. I feel unappreciated and tired of being accused terrible of terrible things when she is angry.
I'll go over to her when we are fighting and try and do a repair attempt and say hey let's not fight like this and she recoils and says don't touch me, you can touch me if you give me $100. She doesn't seem to realize how bonkers that is to say to your husband of 22 years.

Her parents told her they would maintain her lifestyle if she divorces me. She makes about $100 a week at her part time job.

I cannot talk to her about anything no matter how softly I start it up or use I statements. I read the Gottman book among other things as well.
Bringing anything up with her makes her feel criticized and I know she feels shame to really talk about anything.

It does seem like she is trying on some level but when I first talk to her about something her response goes like this. 1. That is dumb. 2. You are dumb. 3. You always have ridiculous issues. 4. I am not changing anything, I am not responsible for how you feel.
Step 5 is what is so confusing because then many times she makes a change according to what I was talking to her about. Her words and actions do not line up.

I told her this and she said words don't matter, only actions do, and my actions show I don't really love her, only my words do. I told her an example of you cannot walk into a store and tell them you are going to rob them blind, and when they get upset, you say well I didn't rob you blind, watch my actions not my words.

While I appreciate her making a change ultimately, the way she handles it causes damage to other relationships because she is clearly not on the same page as me and let's everyone know that she doesn't agree with me, she is just doing it because I am "making her". This is like malicious compliance and doesn't really solve anything.

The final years of my marriage found me facing increasing discord similar to your conflict.  My ex, egged on by her increasing feelings-over-facts perceptions, first rejected an increasing number of our acquaintances... then friends... then some relatives... then all my relatives... then me.  That is when I finally realized my marriage was imploding, she wasn't listening and I was unable to fix it.

Please note this progression.  You've progressed, probably gradually over years, to the point of your family being rejected.  Yes, appropriate boundaries are necessary.  But the typical progression to the next level could be unavoidable no matter how carefully you word your boundaries.

Have you been strategically preparing yourself, getting your legal ducks in a row in advance, accepting that the discord and conflict may very well rise.  Think and ponder how you will act and strategize, now as well as the long term.

Not that you want discord and conflict to rise, but all too often that is the natural progression (from bad to worse) when BPD-like traits and self-oriented perceptions are involved.

My S3, soon to be 4 is in a similar situation. I read the Stop Caretaking book and started placing strict boundaries specifically to protect him from Mom's horrible outbursts. Make no mistake, your children are already traumatized by the abusive behavior going on in the home. Like you, I have tried to placate my wife to minimize her outbursts in order to protect my son. However, I had a realization about two years ago that he was still hearing Mom scream at me, call me terrible names, put me down, and generally treat me like trash..even when we were in a different room. This "lightbulb moment" made me realize that the best way to protect him from experiencing even more trauma was to stand up to my wife's bullying.

In the two years since I had stood up for myself and greatly reduced my wife's bad behaviors through boundaries, the amount of trauma and bullying that I allow myself (and by extension, my son) to be exposed to has greatly diminished. This is not to say that my wife does not still try to abuse me verbally, she does. It is merely that when she starts in on me, I leave with my son. If she tries to block me from leaving or physically touches me or my son to prevent us from leaving, that is a call to the police (blocking you from leaving the house is illegal, in most states it would be considered "false imprisonment"). Your wife is ruling you through fear. This is power that you are giving her. She cannot legally stop you and the children from leaving the house.


This is not a discussion. It is a statement. "I am going to visit my sister with the kids this weekend so they can see their aunt and their cousins. We would love to have you come with us. Can you put aside your differences with her for the kid's sake? I would prefer we visit as a family, but the kids and I can go without you if you decide not to go." Prepare for her to flip out. When she flips out, try to validate if you can, and walk away with the kids when she starts getting verbally abusive.


Yes! You need to stand firm and ignore her twisted thinking! You say this is taking her agency away and that this is a horrible thing to do to a parent. What about your agency as a parent? She is taking that away and THAT is horrible! A person with a serious mental illness does not have a right to do things to the children that are harmful to them, regardless of being their parent. If your wife decided that the kids needed to eat an all-chocolate diet and you refused to let her do so, would that be taking away her agency? Yes. Would it be justified? Yes! You, as their father, have a duty to protect your children from harm. That includes their mother harming them. By preventing your kids from seeing their family, your wife is harming your children. By causing them harm, she has given up her right to have a say in this matter.

It is a very common tactic for pwBPD to use children as a tool to control or hurt the other parent. By your wife controlling where you are allowed to take your own children (with no valid reason), she is, by extension, controlling and punishing YOU. She does not realize or care that she is also hurting the children. Document this! Record it! This will be pertinent evidence against her in a custody battle should things come to that.

You say things can always get worse. From reading your list of things that she has done to you and done to you in front of the kids, it sounds very similar to what my wife was doing to me. Things cannot get much worse. They can get better, though. However, for things to get better, you need to take charge and make them better unilaterally. The Stop Caretaking book will give you all of the advice that you need to make this happen.

Stop Caretaking will help you learn how to take the power back in your relationship. Right now, your wife holds all the cards and power. This is a power imbalance that allows her to control you through FOG (Fear, Guilt, Obligation). You have power over 50% of the relationship, and you need to learn how to be assertive and take that power back. People treat us the way that we allow them to treat us. Stop allowing her to mistreat you. For me, I wanted my son to see that it is not ok for someone to bully someone else. I had to start modeling what to do to stand up for yourself when someone is mistreating you. I do not ever want him to think that how Mom treats Dad is ok or normal. I do not want him to end up developing BPD (it is highly heritable, but exposure to childhood trauma makes it much more likely to activate), and I do not want him to end up in a relationship with a person with a PD as an adult.

My wife still has her problems, but after following the advice in Stop Caretaking, those are HER problems. I no longer let them control me or our son. I no longer try to cater to her to try and stop her from blowing up. The truth is that I have no control over that anyway. Control over her dysregulation was an illusion. It is what kept me walking on eggshells. It is magical thinking. I could have been a saint, never said or done anything "wrong" and guess what? She would still blow up! Why? Because the problem is inside of her and nothing I can do will ever fix that. Fixing that is 100% on her.

Learn this mantra and repeat it to yourself. "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." This is from Al-Anon and was meant for the families of alcoholics. It also applies to the families of people with BPD. We can no more control whether or not a person with BPD dysregulates than the spouse of an alcoholic can control her drinking. What you can control is how YOU respond to HER behavior.

HurtAndTired

Thank you for replying first off all.

I've been reading BPDlovedones on reddit, searching this Cluster-B on Quora etc.

"you cant compete with that; no one can. it really has to play itself out, and take its course."


Yes, after we broke up in January and she mentioned getting back together with her ex-spouse, everyone around her started to distance themselves and kept their interactions to a minimum. They are not establishing any kind of emotional closeness and are trying to convey the message that they are not there for her. Because even when they were on the verge of getting married, they always had negative thoughts about this relationship and this man.

"its like a roller coaster. shes on and off again with the guy. as you said, they have a very long history."
What you're saying is very true and something I'm aware of. Of course, there is also the statement she previously made to me that "I had to marry with him and experience this to break up completely with him", but unfortunately, as time goes by, many of the things she said lose their significance. Like she seemed me as superhero and the "one"

Actually, despite everything she has done to me and everything that has happened, I think I want to be with her again. I am aware that I am not the person who belongs to her cycle. When she decided to break up with me, she said she was always going through the same cycle, being with someone else after a breakup, and that it was wrong to be with me after her divorce. And of course, she blamed me for the end of her marriage but later on she blamed everybody around her especially her mother.

However, after she said she was breaking up with me in a long WhatsApp message, I didn't say anything to her. I just sent a message saying ‘okay, thank you.’ And I want to clarify to her that I really know if she is with her ex-spouse. Because she thinks I don't know this truth, and when she learns something about it, I believe that's why she gets surprised and then starts talking to me about Facebook ads or another business-related topic. Perhaps because I haven't responded to her in months and haven't tried to re-enter her life, which I never treat her like this way before, she may have internalized this as a fear of abandonment. Maybe what I need is a clear closure: to give her all of her things that I have, to lay out all the letters I wrote for her, and then say I'm leaving. Does this trigger her emotions? I don't know, however I know that she is curious about what surprise I planned for her on her birthday, because she mentioned it to a mutual friend. Her birthday was February 15. And all of this contact period started after she learned that i know she is back again with her ex-spouse.

Hi,
I've recently been discarded by my partner of 5 years. He has not been diagnosed with BPD but I am convinced he as many of the symptoms. The discard happened after we had recently been away on holiday and had a lovely time, his behaviour changed when we returned. My workplace had moved and he started to become paranoid, was accusing me of being different since I started the new place and if I missed a call i was asked 'who are you seeing' etc. Having experienced this before I tried to reassure him by sending him evidence of my movements and actions throughout the day which seemed to help.
Then one day (i didnt realise he was drunk) he started messaging me odd messages which unsettled me and I asked him what was wrong. He wouldn't answer me then just turned up drunk at my home behaving strangely. I tired to tell him to sleep and we'd talk the following day but he wanted to be intimate and I didn't so i told him no then he became verbally abusive and I snapped and asked him to leave he then sent me some awful abusive messages which I ignored.
I gave him space to calm down but after 2 days he blocked me on whatsapp. I emailed him a few days after and he was still mad saying id changed and basically accusing me of not being interested in him and mentioning occasions that led him to believe this (all irrational and untrue) . He then changed his story after I reassured him about the other issues to say our relationship was phony that I was only with him to fill my time. He mentioned he didn't know my family etc (he refused to meet everyone in the past until he was ready) and that meant to him we had no future and I was only using him.
My question is , is this a discard or is he likely still splitting. He's since added me back on whatsapp but ive heard nothing from him for  nearly 2 weeks now.
This is the fourth split this year alone although at one point it was happening nearly monthly (Long story) but things had improved after he had some therapy for 2 years ( with a counsellor he found himself not a specialist) . I tactfully suggested he go back to therapy but that made him worse and he accused me of avoiding blame by suggesting it was his mental health.

I'm just at a loss to know what to do. I do love him but just feel its hopeless now, he said some really awful things I feel I just cant get over but I dont know how to move on with my life or stay and try and encourage him  gently to get help if he comes back. Hes asked me before whats wrong with him, he knows deep down here is more to what he was previously diagnosed with (biploar and anxiety) but seems in denial now that he is being paranoid and overthinking.

Any advice would be gratefully received  x

you dont need bpd to explain what you can chock up to a case of human nature.

simply put, you have been chasing an emotionally unavailable person, who has what you can call "an unresolved previous relationship".

such cases tend to follow similar paths.

its like a roller coaster. shes on and off again with the guy. as you said, they have a very long history.

you cant compete with that; no one can. it really has to play itself out, and take its course.

you can, however, climb onto the roller coaster, and get thrown for the ride. that is essentially what youve chosen to do, because something about it is attractive to you (presumably, part of it is the uncertainty, and part of it is the potential payoff).

trying to game out her moves in a way that sounds promising for you, is more of that. but this is a ship you are not steering, and cant steer.

with that in mind, what do you want to see happen here? do you want to be with her? do you want to step away? you can clarify these things for yourself (we can help), and when you do that, your own next steps can become a lot simpler.