I did the exact same thing for the first decade of my marriage and I'd build so much resentment, I eventually stopped cleaning the house because it made me so angry.  I'd find junk and filth everywhere where my ex just didn't care.  For instance, her car often had mold in it from rotting McDonalds in the back seat floorboard...and our young kids sat in those backseats.  I'd become furious and then my ex would tell everyone I was mean and mentally abusive when I demanded that she stop endangering our children.

So please know that I'm preaching to the choir here, that I handled things as badly as anyone at times.

For the second decade of our marriage, I learned to let all of that stuff go.  A clean house didn't matter because I loved my wife.  Eating balanced meals as a family didn't matter because I loved my wife.  And in a way, it was great because the arguments stopped.  I no longer even looked inside my wife's car, for example, I didn't get in her car except maybe 2-3 times over a 10 year period.  At the same time though, inside I was dying because I was ignoring every single one of my values to remain in the marriage.  She didn't cook, didn't clean, and was almost always on the run somewhere.  I was home alone as a miserable married man that was always waiting for his wife.

It wasn't until I got to the point you're at today when I realized that I had never handled things in a healthy way.  My ex should have met me halfway; if it mattered to me, it should have mattered to her as well since that's what I always did for her.  We should have been able to work through those things without blowout arguments and acusations.

Once I suspected BPD (our family physician actually pointed it out shortly after separation), my entire mindset began to change.  I could see the patterns, I could see the chaos.  And in time, I realized that she's always been mentally ill and just can't fully function like a normal adult.

What was the answer?  Should I have demanded that she help around the home and be more present?  I don't know since we probably would have divorced much earlier if I did.  The kids would have had a broken home before their teenage years, so I'm thankful that it lasted as long as it did.  I can see now though that I never should have walked on eggshells and I never should have lost my cool...there is a middle-ground that we can take.

I shared my story to say that you must stand up for what's right (for you) while also loving your wife and showing her compassion.  Either she learns to return that or she doesn't, but you can't keep fighting over senseless things and just letting it chip away at your ego, your mental health.  I did that and it cost me more than I could afford, it led to physical and mental health problems because I was denying who I was to stay with a terrible partner while trying to make her happy.  My entire world revolved around placating her mental illness without even realizing it.

But you see it now, just as I finally saw it.  The question is, what will you do?  You have three options:

1)  Just continue to take it until you have major health problems from stress
2)  Push back and let the consequences fall where they may
3)  Learn to find balance with love, compassion, and healthy boundaries

Options 1 and 2 literally almost killed me from having a heart attack in my sleep in my early 40's.  I was an athlete so that should have been almost impossible, yet it happened because I was eaten up with stress 24/7.  We had a BPD kid too so I'm not blaming my wife or anyone in particular; it was mostly my fault for handling things so badly for so long.

I hope that helps and there's a few nuggets in there for you.

Thanks. I’m holding off for now.

Thanks for the responses!  I think you are correct in that there aren't any formal differences in BPD in males vs. females, but perhaps males can use their gender to be more forceful or whatever.

Yes, the boundaries are for myself. And I do see him fairly boundary resistant, so thank you for that comment because I've been so surprised by it. But definitely I am keeping my boundaries to keep my own sanity.

He isn't really doing therapy, especially not for BPD. He one time admitted he might have it when I went through the 9 traits (loose traits to sort of get an idea) but then later backpedaled.

So It's really me, knowing that he probably has it, and that my own boundaries are the only way to get through this. Other people's judgments are hard -- they are wondering why I just don't leave him completely. Sigh. It's hard to understand.

It is scary trying to have a relationship with someone with bpd! I know with my mom I still have to watch what I say, but if I sense she is about to have an episode my boundary is to tell her I will speak to her when she calms down.  I usually need to walk away or hang up on her.  It feels bad to do that, but this works so well.  The key is to keep telling her you will speak again soon.  You don't want to trigger their abandonment but have to protect yourself from all the harsh words and violent behavior.

What is extremely hurtful is when someone disrespects you and calls you horrible names, etc.  It is even more devastating when it's your spouse.  Most of us here experienced that.  I sometimes refer to my ex as the most aggressive purported "victim" I've ever seen.

Its impact is to a great extent dependent on how you react.  As a simple example, next time you're raked over the coals, reframe it in your mind.  My ex used to graphically disparage my manhood, saying she "wore the pants in the family".  Can you instead think of her wearing huge pink elephant pants?  Not so hurtful, is it?

My ex was never diagnosed and she flatly refused the concept of her going to therapy.  We even divorced and were in and out of divorce/parenting court for eight years.  Not once in all those years did the court seek to send either of us to counseling.  It's almost as though they studiously avoided seeking a diagnosis.  The observation here is that family courts and the associated professionals treat the litigants as they are.  We would do well to follow that example and not worry whether there is a diagnosis or not.  On the other hand, you've done well to observe her behavior patterns, see what fits and proceed from there.

And, please, know that I'm reminding myself of this reality as much as I'm sharing my view with you.  It's so, so hard.  Be kind to yourself.

I relate to feeling that injustice and that overfunctioning.  The way I think about it is: It's not "bad" that you feel the unfairness of these things. It's human.  What's problematic is if you think you can change her in these regards.  You can stay knowing that this is the reality and find some work arounds like those mentioned by others. You can go because you don't want to/can't be in this situation.  What you can't do is imagine that JADEing can make her different than she is. 

I get where you're coming from, I really do.  On the one hand, I think that since you do so much, your wife probably doesn't really comprehend how much you're doing, and therefore she's not appreciative, which could lead to feelings of resentment.  I might say she's "spoiled," but I don't mean that in a pejorative way.  It's just that people who've never worked a tough full-time job, paid most/all of the bills, cleaned the house, done the grocery shopping and cooking, taken care of the laundry, tended to the yard, maintained the car and appliances, looked after children, etc., and pulled it off week after week, month after month--they have NO IDEA how taxing it all is, because they've never actually done it all themselves, let alone all at the same time.  Sure, they might do one or two chores from time to time, and maybe even work part-time, but I don't think your wife really understands how hard you're working, if she's never done anything similar.  She only considers what she does as important, and she can't appreciate work done by others which she's never actually done herself.

On the other hand, she's hyper-critical.  She might be looking for things to get upset about.  She's testy, easily annoyed, overwhelmed, probably triggered by stress.  For pwBPD, the frustration tolerance is very low, and emotions are volatile.  Even if you try to minimize stress for her, she could be triggered by anything--how you walk, breathe, sit a certain way.  You're in her face, or you're too aloof and ignoring her.  You're too loud, or you're too quiet and hiding something.  You're ignoring her, or you're hovering and staring at her too much.  Whatever.  But it's not really about you, it's about her negative feelings and finding an outlet for them.  My guess is your wife feels inadequate and insecure.  Maybe when she sees you work around the house or pick up the baby, it's a stark reminder to her about how little she's contributing.  Maybe if you put dinner on the table, in the name of easing her burden, she feels inadequate, because she realizes that she's not pulling her weight.  Maybe she wants you to slow down, possibly take a nap, so she has an excuse to do the same?

Look, I went through something similar with my spouse, who exhibits some BPD-like behaviors from time to time when under stress.  I felt I was over-functioning in the household, and instead of thanks, I got yelled at.  He'd literally scream at me when I did mundane things like vacuum, wash the bedding or do the dishes after dinner (which I bought the groceries for and cooked).  Don't get me started about how he screamed at me if I shoveled snow, pruned shrubs, picked up leaves or did small household repairs, because I was clearly infringing on the traditionally "male" chores, and I was doing everything the wrong way and at the wrong time in his opinion.  The irony is that he's actually a neatnik and quite handy, so getting yelled at for doing household chores felt extremely hurtful.  But then I think I figured it out the situation.  When I was working in the house, it made my husband feel GUILTY and resentful.  He saw I was doing work, and he felt like I was "forcing" him tso chip in, even if I didn't ask for any help--I just wanted the house to be clean and not encounter broken stuff everywhere!  He just wanted to relax.  So one way I coped was to tackle chores when he wasn't looking (for example, when he was out of the house pursuing his hobbies).  Another approach that worked well was to hire household help.  They came on a schedule, and since the household help was a team of three people, they could clean the house in two or three hours, minimizing disruption.  That way, my husband wasn't "reminded" as frequently about chores, and I wasn't regularly making him feel guilty/inferior.  Since the cleaners were "professional," I think he didn't take personal "offense" the way he would when I cleaned.  He didn't seem to care that I paid for the cleaners, but whatever.  As for fixing things, I generally do that on the sly, because I can't stand arguing about it.  I just want things fixed; I don't seek "credit" for fixing them.  The reward of having things work in the house is enough reward for me.

Now, that sort of solution doesn't get at the heart of BPD.  But if certain issues are regular triggers--mealtimes, cleaning, bathtime, bills--it might help to try something different.  One example is that my spouse would be livid if I went to the gym after work.  That was ironic too, because HE went to the gym after work, two or three times a week.  The compromise I found was for me to go to the gym before work or on weekends.  Then the arguments about me being out of the house in the evenings, the timing of weeknight dinners, etc., though they still happened, were much reduced.  Another example?  Tax returns.  Historically, I prepared them, but my spouse fought me every single step of the way--Why did I need his 1099s and W-2s?  Why couldn't I shut up about it and stop asking for his documents?  Why couldn't I wait until April 15th?  Why was I spending "too much time" on the return?  Why did he owe taxes?  Etc.  I considered filing separately, but then we would have argued about who gets deductions, etc.  My solution?  Hire an accountant.  That way, the deadlines were the accountant's, not mine.  The amount of tax owed was per the accountant, not me (i.e. TurboTax).  In other words, by bringing in a neutral third party, the chore of completing taxes became less "personal," and therefore less emotionally-charged.  Yes it costs money, but I think it's well spent.

Hi Northern, I feel you here.  I am a mom of 4 extremely active kids (who is responsible for pretty much all of their activities outside of getting them to and home from school), work fulltime as well as have 2 PRN positions, pay just about all of the house bills, do just about all of the shopping (food, clothes, shoes, etc), outside of 1 load of dishes that my uBPDh does every morning am responsible for cleaning the house, take care of our 3 cats and was told this weekend that he will no longer be responsible for mowing the grass or weeding or any outside of the house responsibilities.  Ummmm....so basically my H is responsible for getting our 2 youngest to and home from school (the school is 1 block from our house) and his work, which he works from home and my count is that he works what would be considered a half day to most, makes more money than me but pays very little to the household.  I am extremely resentful, but then remember that I have chosen to stay in this relationship which means that to me, it is my responsibility to give my all for my family regardless of what he does.  I do my best to live MY life no matter what my H does or says.  As you know, there are days that this is so hard, close to impossible, but I do try my best to not let "his ups and downs" control my and our kids' lives. 

My H knows that I, rightfully so, am exhausted and in his "nice moods" acknowledges all that I do.  I am not sure if this answers your question but this is how I dealt with the last episode...this past weekend, on Friday night I leave the house to take my S15 to the gym.  As I get in my car, our neighbor comes over and asks if we have gotten a notice from the HOA about all of the weeds in our yard, as they did and they had noticed that ours was worse than theirs, we had not but I am imagining one coming.  As a side note, I mowed our grass 3 weeks ago, got yelled at for doing so at 7 pm (clearly I am doing it for attention from the neighbors and not because it was close to 100 degrees out during the day) and my H told me at least once a week since that he would cut the grass that week and do the weeds, which looked like they were taking over the rocky portion of our yard, so I was not to do them.  When I got back from taking our son to the gym, I told my H what our neighbor had said and his response was that I am welcome to do so, that he is too busy and will not be doing anything with the yard, that its been that way for awhile and I need to step up.  I wanted to yell back at him and justify, but instead turned around and walked away (though I will admit that I did say under my breath something not nice about me doing everything and him doing nothing!...don't do that part) and asked my kids if they wanted to play a game.  He ignored me for the rest of the night, and I continued on trying to enjoy my night with the kids and not show my aggrivation.  The next day, my h left for the gym and the kids and I left for my D11's basketball tournament.  I sent my H a text to let him know where the kids and I were, and invited him to the games (the game schedule is on our shared calendar, but for some reason he needs an individual invitation to any of the kid's games).  I though I was being nice by doing so, but got an onslaught of awful texts saying that its too late for my invite, that he is seeing patterns in me and he thinks that I am recording him so he thinks he needs to start recording me, that I am mean and I lie, and the onslaught continued.  My response was "I am sorry you are feeling this way, but as usual, I won't respond to over the top accusations."  They continued, and my response was "I am sorry you are struggling" (I know that you are supposed to keep it about you only, but thats what came out), his response was that I am crazy and need a lot of help.  I responded "I am sorry you are struggling, I love you", he responded that I need help and a heart...and I stopped responding and his responses stopped as well.  I continued to act regular the rest of the day when we got home and he ignored me, trying to glob on to our 2 young kids and buy their love by taking them to an arcade while my 2 oldest and I did the yard.  Less than 24 hours later, he tells me how much he loves me and thanks me for everything that I do. 

The only way that I can keep myself sane, is to step away when the craziness begins and continue to remind myself that this is his issue, I have done nothing wrong and the last time I tried to "talk" things out with him, things only got worse.  I have been told by an old therapist to say "The most loving thing I can do for you right now is to walk away", then walk away every time the cycle begins.     

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062515.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.