I have been living separately from my BPD husband for close to three years now due to me not being able to handle his instability.

The goal was to slowly move back together and reintegrate as a family (we have two young children), while he worked on self-regulation. He has been attending individual therapy for at least two years, and has completed two rounds of group DBT therapy. Some of his problem behaviours that made me feel unsafe are random bouts of screaming, slamming doors, dissociating (his eyes become glazed over and it looks like he is "not there"). He can get a job, but inevitably quits the job when triggered and also goes on out of control spending sprees. He is unreliable - when calm, he is sweet, caring, take-charge, and is responsible, but when triggered, he does not fulfill any responsibilities or commitments. He ruins most holidays, vacations family outings etc. by having some sort of tantrum. He has a major problem with emailing and texting in a completely out of control manner, and sometimes sends these rants to my parents and siblings, which is highly embarrassing.

Despite him consistently going for therapy, and demonstrating more insight into himself and his past, he has never taken real ownership of his issues. Sometimes I wonder what he is actually talking about in therapy. He will say sorry after "losing it" and "I have a lot of work to do," but at the same time he does not show true accountability. He has told me many times that he knows he has a problem and that he is aggressive and that he has mental health problems, but he very often says "it's not my fault" or gives the impression that he is a victim of circumstances. Or he will say that it is mostly his fault, but only if it's also a little bit my fault . It's almost like his life goal is that things should not be his fault. I have never even used this language of "fault" at all - I would have liked if we could see it as a couples' project of helping him improve his mental health and therefore our relationship, but somehow he always brings it back to this language of whose fault it is.

Even after three years of trying to get our family back together, he always ends up behaving in a way that prevents us from moving forward - hard to tell if this is subconscious sabotage or not. As of late, he had been able to go longer before losing it, but inevitably the crash came again. Also, although he will say he understands that I moved out because I did not feel safe, at the same time he constantly accuses me of stealing the kids and of living separately from him. Which obviously makes no logical sense. It's very confusing - he seems to want to work on himself so we can live together, and at the same time, he never holds it together so we can move forward.

Over time, I have created more and more boundaries in order to be able to feel emotionally stable myself and be a healthy mother for my children. Some of my boundaries are - I will not communicate with him via texting or email at all ever, given his angry rants in these domains. If he screams over the phone, I hang up, or if in person, I leave. I also never depend on him for anything - if calm, I am happy for him to help out, but otherwise I am happy to do everything myself. I never leave him alone with the kids, as I am concerned about what would happen if he was triggered and started dissociating. Until this past fall, he was participating in our lives when calm and when dysregulated I just basically shut him out in the ways I described above. I have tried validating techniques, but somehow, they don't work for him or calm him down. It's almost like he needs the release in order to go on with life. So at this point, I've given up on that.

In the fall, there was a big shift. He had the longest streak of self-regulation that he had ever had, about 6 weeks, and I could see that he was really trying. Not to say he wasn't having challenges even within this period, but it was the best he ever was, and I felt hopeful. After this, he became triggered by something and crashed very badly, and basically said I have to move back home with him and refused to engage further. I was so disappointed when he lost it after the 6 weeks, and also I could foresee that his silence would likely last a while (he can go into silent/avoidant mode when very stressed). So I decided for the first time to just leave him be and not try to help him recover or rescue him. I figured it is his chance to take accountability if he is capable of doing so, without me pushing it on him. After a couple weeks of silence, he started sending physical letters, and has been doing this for months. I won't go into the specifics of what is in them, but they are mostly what I call fantasy based. He talks about how he is renovating our place so it will be nice for the kids (he seems to have "forgotten" they don't live there), tells the kids he misses them as though he is in a far away land etc. He has not once taken accountably or said he is sorry or addressed any serious issue. He talks about random businesses he is starting (fantasy) etc.

When he initially went silent, I decided that I was not going to respond to anything that was "nonsense" or fantasy. Since there was nothing real to respond to, there has been no back and forth communication for around 4 months now, during which time he has not seen the kids or asked to see them. Recently, I got a letter from him saying that he wanted to visit with them. This was the first real communication I have gotten from him that is not in the nonsense or fantasy category. I'm worried about reopening the cycle again, as he has not taken accountability or shown any insight into anything since he went silent months ago. It has been kind of shocking to me honestly how long his fantasy letters have lasted, without my intervention. I guess I was subconsciously doing an experiment to see how he behaves when left alone, and it is not pretty.

I'm not sure what exactly I am asking from this forum, and maybe this is just me having the opportunity to express what I've been through. I have so many conflicting emotions - while I am frustrated and upset at him, I also feel really bad for him that he is this "damaged", for lack of a better word. And I can see it more clearly now that I have left him alone and been totally disengaged in his cycles while observing from a safe distance. I did respond to his request about visiting with the kids (the first letter I replied to given that it was the first "normal" thing he said) and told him I will think about what makes sense and is in their best interests. This was done in a voicemail, as he did not answer the phone, and I am guessing he is too scared to do so. Does anyone have any thoughts on what would be in their best interests? I would love for them to have a healthy relationship with their father - that was my intention the whole time in separating from my husband - but I am scared of letting him back in to our lives given that I don't see any real change in him over the past months. I guess I was really wishing and hoping that if I left him alone, maybe he would show more capacity than he has done until now. And yes, I know that this almost certainly triggered his sense of abandonment, but somehow you can never win with BPD - engagement in the cycle doesn't work and disengagement doesn't work either.

And that is the difference between a reasonably normal person versus one who is prone to repeated disordered acting-out behavior.

Of course, you can try that - just in case it works - but after a few times of the push-pull cycles continuing, you may have to accept the issues are far deeper than a quick fix can address.

Going NC (no contact) or LC/RC (low or reduced contact) may be what is required.  As for BPD, it is known that the closer the relationship, the more severe the impact on our lives.  While someone on the periphery or with only occasional contact may notice something "off", those closer are more impacted.

This is where firm Boundaries are important.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries, so we must set our own boundaries, for us, for how we respond to the poor behavior.  Granted, this is not intuitive.  A very simplistic format can be, "If you do or don't ___ then I will in response do or not do ___."  For example, if the person is ranting and raging, your boundary can be to exit and say you'll return later when the other has reset or calmed down.  It's not a fix nor does it cover every situation, but it's better than appeasing and allowing the poor behavior in your presence.

This may be where it's time to view this sort of behavior for what it is, a demand for attention or even control, manipulation, whatever.  Yes, the person may be in some level of emotional pain but involving others brings it to a more serious level.  This is not an accident, it's more like manipulating others to step in and fix what they themselves caused.  This is unhealthy behavior.

In general, people in general are not considered trained medical or mental health experts.  It is totally valid to call for trained help.  Suicide threats or self harm?  Call emergency services or take them to medical facilities.  (Be prepared that once the help arrives that the person will blame you for overreacting, causing the incident or even denying saying/doing such things.  In that case, having a recording beforehand as proof of what really happened may protect you and ensure lies are revealed.)

Just to add that when she was self harming years ago it was the topside of her lower arms that she used to cut - do self harmers always use the same part of the body or do they try other areas? I'm hoping she doesn't start cutting near arteries etc!

Hi all

We are on a very prolonged period of my uBPD mum being in a very dark place and she sees more of my brother as he lives close by her. He has had to endure a lot of suicide taunts - I recent times he was told by her that she had put money on the mantle piece to put her dog to sleep once she's killer herself and on another occasion she showed him open wounds from.self harming and made him bandage them. It seems so dark that she has started self harming again for the first time in a while to not just get any gratification but to also manipulate us and try and make us fret over here every minute of every day! This is the worst episode we've have since my dad died 9 years ago and she's just not snapping out of it and has cut almost everyone everyone off so isolation will be making her worse.

I don't know how problematic it could be in terms of infection risk especially as she has a dog? It's a frustrating and draining limbo because she keeps telling us she's going to end it but never does and doesn't care about the impact on us. I keep trying to get medical help for her but it's like talking to a wall dealing with her doctors.


 
 

Thank you so very much , this forum has been invaluable place to come for solidarity for me because support groups for those with BPD seem plentiful but not so much for those of being on the recieving end of it.

Thank you.  That's helpful.  My heart goes out to you and to your aunt.  Please know that you are not alone. 

Hi

My aunt gets forced into periods of no contact with my uBPD mother who gets it in for her. When the episode passes they have an ok relationship for a while but the the venom ok my mother eventually builds again - my poor aunt is the sweetest woman and her only crime in life is to be a younger sibling that my mum still.haa childlike resentment for. We currently are in a really bad episode with my other where she is NC with my aunt again and my brother and I need to minimal contact from her. It just doesn't seem to last and this episode she doesn't seem to be snapping out of .

Hi there,

It's sad, but the unbelievable is utterly believable when it comes to BPD.  Generally speaking, her expectations of others are unrealistic.  My guess is that when she called you, she fully expected you to drop everything and jump her car--and when you declined because it was inconvenient for you, she went ballistic, because it just didn't enter her mind that you would be busy with your life.  She thinks, HER life should always come first, HER problems are YOURS to solve.  And so she spirals, incredibly angry.  Further, she probably thought that when she showed you just how angry she was, you'd change your mind and help her.  When you declined, thinking she'd understand because you were at work, she was doubly wounded, and so she'll punish you, probably by not allowing her kid(s) to see you.  She became so angry that she couldn't think straight, let alone find a viable solution to her minor problem.  She could wait for her husband to come home (I assume she has a husband since she's pregnant but I could be wrong).  She could ask the nextdoor neighbor for a jump.  She could call AAA.  She could take an Uber for the day.  But no, in her mind, you were evil incarnate, selfish, narcissistic, a let down, the ruiner of her entire life.  All because her car battery died, as if that's a major crisis.

I think you did the right thing.  You're allowed to say NO, when you're too busy or inconvenienced.  The thing is, your daughter has to learn that others have the right to say NO, and not take it like a personal affront.  With BPD, she hears something like, "NO, I don't love you, you're incompetent and your day is completely ruined," instead of "NO, I'm too busy right now, but I can stop by after work if you still need a jump then."

As for 10-year-old girls getting manicures and the pwBPD in your life expecting you to pay for it, I probably wouldn't have gotten the manicures.  I think salon manicures are expensive and also inappropriate for girls that young, unless they are choosing to spend their allowance money that way.  I would have said, Let's go to my house and we'll have a manicure party.  I have nail files, clear nailpolish and French tip marker, and the girls could trim and paint each other's nails, maybe even paint some Polka dots or squiggles, or add some aluminum foil flecks.  In a pinch I might have given them a budget of $5 to pick out a polish at the drug store.   No way would I have shelled out around $100 including tips.  Chances are the girls would have more fun and more interaction with each other at a "home manicure party" than if they had gone to a salon.  Best of all, they could show off their own miniature works of art.

Regarding the statement that you only want to do the fun things--Yes, that's what grandmas are for!  Why wouldn't you want to do the fun things?  You're not the parent, she is.  You shouldn't have to do the chauffeuring, doctor's appointments, PTA meetings, disciplining, caring for sick kids, etc., unless you choose to.  You should get quality time with the grandkids.

As for the frequent moves, that sounds familiar.  The pwBPD in my life seems to think that her "living situation" is constantly causing her distress.  She has moved around five times in the last year alone.  My guess is that she thinks she needs a "fresh start" and a "change of scenery" to feel better.  Sometimes I thinks she spends so much time moving residences to avoid dealing with her life head-on, such as working regularly at a job.  You see, she'll spend a lot of time searching for a place.  For her, moving day stretches into moving week or longer.  She'll need a few additional weeks to "settle in," whereas most people unpack boxes in the spare hours between working and sleeping.  It's almost as if moving has become her "occupation," in the vain attempt to make her life better.  But the problem isn't the "living situation," it's with her.  Even so, I think that for her, changing residences feels like fleeing from her everyday problems.  I think it's linked to her general issue of unrealistic expectations--that her life will magically become better when she moves.  Alas, she's constantly disappointed.

I guess my advice is to know that your daughter's problems are NOT your problems to solve.  In fact, if your daughter says, Jump, and you ask, How high?, you're training her to expect ever more and more from you.  If you feel resentful, that's a sure sign that you're over-functioning for your daughter.  I think you might benefit by being less available to your daughter to solve her everyday problems.  I call this "slow walking."  Instead of taking a personal day off work and rushing to do your daughter's bidding, you might slow things down.  I gave an example above:  "I can't jump your car right now, but if you still need one at the end of the day, I can swing by after work."  Chances are she'll find another solution before then.  The only way she'll learn some resourcefulness is if you give her more time and space to calm down and think through solutions that don't involve calling Mom and having a meltdown.  Granted, she'll probably be mad at you if you decline to do her bidding like you used to.  But she's mad at you already.  Just know that it's not your fault, it's your daughter's BPD and her unreasonable expectations.  Chances are she'll reach out to you again soon enough . . . probably when she needs something yet again.  And you have the right to say NO if you don't want to.

Just my two cents.

I actually have a therapist who specializes in children/young adults with BPD!  I think I can "handle" her pretty good & know when her moods are "escalating" however, in all honestly, work is wild & I am trying to manage my OWN life...(she does not work...I am quite sure 4 kids are aLOT, but, I had 3 kids and worked full time, as some do, so....) I am just going to see if she ASKS if I want to see the kids and pace myself....I always feel bad for them, however, my therapist said, they have been raised on chaos, so, are "used" to it....seems sad to me (HER mother, is very nice, however, she does not even know how to handle this...we used to take turns, however, she told me her "nerves" cannot take it)