I have an example of this kind of thinking that may help make some sense of this. I know a young woman with BPD. We were all at a pool party. She had surgery as a child and has a scar that is barely noticeable. Usually nobody sees it but it's visible when she wears a bathing suit. She was in the pool with several people, when suddenly she jumps out, grabs a towel, and runs off.

I asked her mother if she was OK and she said that her daughter thought everyone was looking at her scar. So she left.

Nobody was looking at it. She's self conscious about it and so she thinks people are looking at it, and because she thinks it, it must be true. No amount of talking to her about how nobody is looking at it can change how she thinks because- it's not true and yet, she thinks it anyway.

My BPD mother avoided my father's family. No amount of talking could change that. She also frequently would agree to any kind of social get together- not just with his family, and then change her mind at the last minute due to some reason she'd state. She was critical of my father's family. Obviously her behavior was noticeable to them.

I assumed they'd not have anything to do with each other after my father passed away. Some time later, they had a get together and didn't invite BPD mother. She was furious! I said "but you say you don't like them and you wouldn't go to them anyway so why are you angry?" Her reply "they should have invited me anyway!!"

If none of this makes any sense, it's because it's due to their own thinking about their own feelings.

The odd thing to me is what her own family thought. I thought they were her biggest fans. They would compliment her, invite her over and she often went. We lived very close to them for a  while when I was a child and I recall going to their house but they didn't come to ours. People rarely came over. BPD mother didn't want anyone in the house. She could hold it together in public for social occasions. At home, she was dysregulated a lot. I knew that was the reason but it was kept secret.

Her family told me later, they thought my parents were snobs and too good for them and that is why they never invited them over.

Both sides of the family kept their mouths shut about this, still invited my mother. I didn't know what they actually thought until much later.

My best and only advice is to not have these long discussions with with your H about this. He's going to think what he thinks, and there's no changing that. Your famiy will also come to their own conclusions, based on the behavior they see and their own thoughts about it. Any relationship between your H, his family, and your family- is up to them.

You take care of your own relationship with your family. If they invite the two of you, tell him he's invited, and you'd love for him to attend, then leave it to him to decide. But you go anyway. BPD mother wouldn't go to my Dad's family- but we kids did. Now, we are the adults, and still get together with our own kids. Because of this, we are still connected.

Not so with my mother's FOO. There were years of estrangement. We are trying to reconnect but people are busy and live at a distance. We are not as connected.

Let your H decide about his own family. Tell him you are willing to visit his mother and when he wants to do that, let you know and you can make plans. He may not follow through. He may be blaming you for his own reluctance to go- but that's his projection.

The long conversations won't fix how your H thinks. Just like my friend's daughter who thinks people are looking at her scar, when they didn't even notice it- that's her thinking. Let your H be responsible for his relationships with other people.

You now have a great opportunity to see your side of the family- so go see them, whenever you want to. If your H doesn't want to come, it's fine- let him make his choice. You can still enjoy your relationship with them and stay close.

BPDs tend to tell these stories often and it's a very common theme here.  Every ex was abusive, mean, angry, condescending, etc.  And we swoop in like rescurers thinking that now they're with a good person who loves them and takes care of them, everything will be perfect.

Why?  Because BPDs always feel like they're the victim and the world is so unfair to them.  Since they can't accept their own mental illness, they blame everyone closest to them and it destroys relationships.  That's what happened to you and that's what happened to me as well.  It's such an ugly, painful cycle.

I spent some time looking back as well and realized that many of the stories I heard about exs were not likely true.  But they were true to my ex wife and that's the crux of this mental illness.

After months trying to locate her ex, I finally managed to find his surname, through which I found his Pinterest account, which has one folder called MANIPULATION, and dozens of references about Narcissistic abuse. I had a slight doubt if I found the right person, but when I show all those references I knew it was him and that he went through the same I am going now. I feel a huge RELIEF now and also ANGER when I have confirmed that she apparently did the same in the past and I have invested my love and energy on her. Of course, when she mentioned him, it was his fault that they broke up because he was very jealous... OMG one month apart and now I see so clear everything I did not want to admit. I had it clear she was rather pwNPD and not so much pwBPD, but now the confirmation is total and I think she was totally aware of all her wrongdoing. I have already written to her ex to try to meet him and have a long talk with him. OMG what a RELIEF, I sometimes thought I was flawed and that the conflicts were all my fault, although I knew objectively that the issues were on her side (and codependency and not standing for myself on my side).

Thanks for all your support.

I think my husband has bpd but not sure. We go through a continuous pattern of him getting angry or triggered by things-it could be simple like the way I phrase something, how I said it, etc. it is so difficult to have normal conversations if we disagree or have conflict because once he snaps-there is no reasoning with him. He says terrible mean things but when it’s over he is back to his normal kind and loving self. Asking him to help me with the bills is even difficult because for some reason he gets offended. I am so drained because I feel like I am walking on egg shells. After every single conflict or argument, it feels like I am the one at fault no matter what.I have read a lot on bpd because my therapist said it sounds like my husband could be dealing with this. I don’t know how to cope

That's true. Divorce was looked down on and there was shame involved. Divorced women  were not considered as desirable partners either. Until relatively recently, many women didn't work outside the home. If there was divorce, custody went to the mother, and the father would be paying alimony.

Family patterns are also intergenerational. We've seen examples on this board where FOO dynamics have influenced behavior in marriages.

I also left home at an early age- went off to college early. I wanted to do that. I didn't break contact with my parents.

The appeasing behavior doesn't puzzle me. It's when the assumed more "normal" partner  appeases to the point of self harm or harm to others or relationships that does. We understand that the pwBPD has a mental illness, but we assume the partner is more relatively stable. So when the parent who provides the support and protection some of the time, somehow turns a blind eye to the BPD spouse's abuse, it's confusing, because that isn't the kind of behavior we attribute to them.

That my father was both my main supporter, the one I looked up to, and yet also be an accomplice to her hurtful behavior at time was difficult to process. In some ways more difficult to understand than my mother's behavior. She had a diagnosis which explains that.

It's when someone who is usually reasonable and caring does things they think are unreasonable due to their BPD partner that puzzles me. Appeasing by doing more around the house, or spending money that they can't afford can have hurtful consequences but it's not at the level hurt that cutting contact with family members or tolerating abusive behavior- which seem to be some dilemmas on this board. If appeasing to this degree was a solution and the person who is appeasing was happy- great, then everyone is happy. But from posts on this board, appeasing didn't achieve that for them.









 

Americans face similar challenges in the Philippines, where we can't own land or a home and it's very complicated to own a business.  I'm curious though, you said your husband is a foreigner there as well.  Is your business technically in his name or someone else's name (like a local)?  When you mentioned your event business in the past, were you talking about the one he's registered as the owner of or something else?

I just want to make sure I have the facts straight.

If you're talking about the event/retreat business, in my opinion it doesn't really matter who owns it.  If people associate your name with the brand, then just make a new brand and take the clients with you.  In the US he could sue, but it's very different in this region of the world.

Also, a lot of people look at what a divorce would cost them, instead of what they're actually gaining.  Peace of mind, independence, no more arguing and ranting...that in itself is worth a lot.  Would it be worth giving him the business to gain that freedom?  Again, you can rebuild the business on your own since it was yours to begin with.  You did it once, so do it again with the contacts you've already made.

For the financials in-country, you're right in saying that you're at his mercy.  Step one should be to open a bank account of your own today.  Start saving and building your own nest egg while you're there.  Also figure out what's in your name (the power bill, etc) and what's not.  Make a concrete plan that you can kick into action whether he cooperates or not, and then begin moving forward.

Divorcing him in the USA is appealing because he won't be able to easily defend his side.  I'm thinking you said he was from Europe- France maybe?  My memory is terrible for stuff like that so I probably have that wrong.  Giving yourself home court advantage sounds like a smart move (especially if he's not American).

It's okay to voice reality.  You needed that expression.  Will she respond positively, long term?  Might she see the need to start therapy to point her into a better direction?  (BPD is a disorder most impacting of close relationships.  You wish she would listen, but the baggage of the dysfunctional relationship gets in the way.  That's why there is slightly more chance of her listening to a trained expert who doesn't have a close relationship with her.)

Next time... Ponder over how to separate the person from abusive behavior.  Perhaps, "I love you but I don't like you when you act like that."  However, even that may get pushback and not get positive results.

It can come to a point where your own health and mental composure brings you to a realization that the discord and dysfunction is simply too much for you to bear.  Don't feel guilty if you reach that point, after all, you're only human.

Wow, yours is a complicated situation. 

Not sure what the legal system is like where you live, but my first thought would be to pay for a brief legal opinion on your situation from  a local attorney, and the likely outcome if he doesn't cooperate. 

It's most helpful to know what the "default" outcome would be; that gives you a baseline from which to negotiate.  the pwBPD will likely make all sorts of bluffs and threats about what they'll do and what will happen to you in divorce, but if you already know what you're likely to end up with under the local legal code or family law statute, you don't have to worry about their threats.  And maybe if the default is not that bad, you can decide to just accept it for the sake of getting it over with quicker.  You can also ask the local counsel how to handle the safety & move out issues: whether they can send police over to moderate the move out and packing of your stuff, or if you can hire private security for the same purpose. 

That issue with cats... I don't know.  Is he also attached to them?  Would he try to use them as leverage over you?  Maybe downplay that until later in the process so he doesn't use it against you.  Be glad you don't have kids with him!  That would make this even more complicated. 

I may also pay for a legal opinion from an attorney in the States, as to whether he could access any of your assets in the U.S. or how he would go about that if you moved money or joint property to U.S. banks.

A couple other thoughts:

In terms of personal protection:

- get familiar with your phone's record button.  Practice turning the sound off so you can silently record him if it comes down to a domestic violence incident, or him issuing threats or something like that.  You don't want the phone to beep when you hit record. 

- don't put yourself in any vulnerable situations, but don't let fear of what he might do stop you from moving forward if that's your decision.  Don't give him more power than he has already.  You may have to take some personal risks if you're ending this, but you can minimize them.  Have other friends around, or security.  Avoid areas you know he'll go.  If he starts showing up unexpectedly, following you, etc. be quick to report him. 

- My thoughts are that if you've let other third parties know about the situation, and maybe have involved the local authorities/police in patrolling your move out, he'd be less likely to resort to violence knowing  he'd be already on their radar if/when he lashed out.  He'd be the primary suspect if something happened to you. 

Preserving possessions - I had issues with my then-wife throwing out my things, and threatening to toss a couple boxes of family heirlooms I had.  There was nothing super valuable, but a lot of it was irreplaceable.  I rented a storage locker nearby and moved this stuff in there when my ex- wasn't around, and let my brother know where it was if something happened to me.  In the event, BPDxw never noticed it was gone, and never found out about the storage locker.  I also paid cash for the monthly rental fees, so there was no record of it in our credit card statements, and had any paperwork sent to my office, not my house. 

If there aren't storage lockers you can rent where you live, perhaps you could gradually ship some of your stuff back to the U.S.?  get creative; tell him you need photos restored and ship them to a friend here.  Hide or move other stuff out gradually so he doesn't notice. 

- Keep in mind he might not go "scorched earth" in the end, and so things you're afraid he'll destroy might not be an issue. I found that the inherent laziness of the pwBPD was a natural barrier to them doing some of the stuff they threaten to do.

- On the advice of an attorney, I opened a separate bank account, also on the DL, and kept enough cash in there to live on and rent a hotel for a week or so if needed.  I had the account records, statements, etc. sent to my office.  I did this so I'd have access to cash in the event she tried to loot our accounts to keep me from filing for divorce (something she had threatened to do, and in the event, did indeed try to do after we agreed our marriage was over).  As my attorney said, "you're not hiding the money; you will disclose the account at trial, but you're keeping it there for safekeeping."

- Planning all this out may also be therapeutic.  I found it helped me stay sane when fights at home were really bad (I had an exit plan).  If you feel overwhelmed, break it into smaller steps.

I'd really be curious to see how people grew up a few generations prior, and see if some of these behaviors have been passed down, or what they were like back then.  Just a few generations back, and in much of the world, life wasn't much different than it had been for hundreds of years before that.  We didn't psychoanalyze behavior until the 20th Century more or less, and the understanding of behavioral disorders is even more recent than that, and still developing. 

I know in my family, from what I learned from my parents and seeing how older generations behaved, a lot of things were NOT discussed, as it seems like they saw no point in doing so... divorce was rare and frowned upon.  People stayed quiet or otherwise placated the more troublesome ones to keep the peace in the small homes they lived in.  And of course, kids left home earlier and got the hell out of there  as soon as they could. 

Hi AaZz...I totally know how you feel!  My uBPDh's cycle has been 2ish weeks of being at a 2, then a couple of days of being at a 10...then back to the 2!  I feel like I have spent so many cycles longing for the 10 phase, and when it hit, believing that it would last, just for him to split to a 2 a couple of days later.  I used to notice myself loosening up, communicating more, being my true self, just to put up a thick wall a day or two later.  This has worn me out both physically and mentally.  You never know when either phase is going to hit, so you are "on edge" all the time.  Like you, I am trying to keep myself stable, and to teach the kids to stay stable, no matter his mood, but it isn't easy!  For me, its the not knowing when the switch, either direction, is going to happen, its so hard to organize life!  I wish I had a suggestion, I don't, but I do totally understand where you are coming from.