It's been over a year now that I left. As you all remembered from my endless posting I was a wreck. Defeated, no confidence, depressed as hell, in therapy. I've come such a long way but I'm not good yet and I don't like that. I can overcome anything, and have in life but this was different. From what everyone posts, these relationships really ARE different. My brain tells me I should date around but my heart isn't there yet, not even close. I still ruminate quite a bit, I still get angry, anxious, upset that that person couldn't just have a semblance of normalcy. I get mad thinking they're out there just dating around or in a LTR and I'm still here floating. I hate everyone asking me or telling me I need to date and that I have so much to offer. Sure, I meet that whole stupid 6ft, 6 figures, 6 pack ab BS people tend to say they want these days, and even then I just don't feel 'worthy'. And it's seemingly impossible to find a traditional/modest younger woman these days as well. Possible, but obviously hard. I wasted so many years with traumatized/sick women and I know it's my fault for staying and picking these people and I just feel done. Just seems smarter to make money, stay in shape and do whatever I want but I'll admit I do get lonely and those things always feel better with someone you love.

I guess this is more of a rant/vent since I just don't feel right about life lately. I imagined a wife and kids by now. I guess a question for you all, have any of you taken a year off or even more where you didn't go on a single date, talk to a single person or entertain anything at all? Is this 'normal'?

In my younger years I was  a religious volunteer in Brooklyn NYC for nearly two dozen years.  It was the best time of my life, rubbing shoulders with such wonderful giving people, all in sight of the incomparable Brooklyn Bridge.  For most of that time I was handling matters for a couple hotels and assorted smaller buildings.  At first you might think, what does that have to do with my family dysfunction?  Well, I learned a lesson about discerning when not to let others dump their problems into your lap.

What was that Kenny Rogers song, The Gambler? ... "You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run."

She may be afraid of rejection but to not marry her when she wants to be married is a reality for her. However, it's not a wise decision to marry someone when you don't want to be married or married to them. That would be a recipe for long term unhappiness too.

This is an ongoing conflict between the two of you. Its an unresolvable conflict because whoever compromises is going to be unhappy and feel resentful.

You know you don't want to marry her which then this leads to the question- why are you still in this relationship? This isn't a run message, it's a why.

What happens when you tell your dad exactly what you just told me in the bolded part?

That's a clear boundary and a good one.  I only mentioned encouraging school for mom since you'd see her for the holidays and dad was pressuring.  Otherwise, I agree with your stance...you're 500 miles away and you do not want to be in the middle of things.

Dad (and others) might paint you in a certain way but you know what, who cares!?!  Live your life and let them live theirs.  If I learned anything from BPD relatives, it's to have thick skin.

Everything your son says is 100% true in the moment.  But because it's "feeling based" instead of factual, what's true right now may not be true in ten minutes.

For example, if a baby has a problem, it cries.  And we're like, what's going on?  Diaper?  Nope.  Need to burp?  Nope.  Carry him around/rock him?  Nope.  Then suddenly, the baby stops crying.  Phew.  But we walk out of the room and the baby is screaming again!

Just like the baby, your son lives his emotions for you to see.  If he says, "I hate you," he's being honest...he hates you that very moment.  Yet three minutes later, he asks if you want to go get a milkshake together.  It make no logical sense, but he's doing the exact same thing the baby did in the example.  If he's upset, he can say terrible things...and then it passes and everything he just said doesn't matter anymore.

It would be great if we had some context (and apologies) between those episodes, but that's probably too much to expect most of the time.  Just know that the outrageous things are true in the moment and rarely true forever.

That's a push/pull dynamic that happens because she has a tremendous fear of abandonment.  So when you refuse to do what she wants, her mind goes into overdrive and decides the best course of action is to break up with you...before you get to do it to her.

But then she comes to he senses and realizes that she's self-sabotaging, so you get the apology and the willingness to wait it out.  But that fear and rejection remain...even well after you think everything is settled in the past.  Every day, its in the back of her mind that you don't love her and will probably replace her with someone more deserving.

It sucks for you, it sucks for her...BPD is a terrible illness.

My BPD ex wife used to scream at me at the top of her lungs to get out, so I'd say "okay" and start walking towards the door.  But she'd get even more furious and start hitting me, saying I wasn't leaving and we were going to talk it out.  And I'd be 100% perplexed....what the heck was happening?!?

It's the same thing though, it's a BPD push/pull.  They might be screaming and calling you horrible things, yet they're thinking, "Why don't you love me?  Why won't you make me feel special like you used to?"  She'd never, ever say that though because that's being vulnerable and she's too terrified of rejection.

It's the most bizarre thing I've ever dealt with and I wish I understood it way sooner.

Of course they are aware, and some of their behaviour is premeditated.

My wife went abroad for a few days with her friend, to where the place the guy she ran off with was staying. Of course she will NEVER admit things were going on, that she even had feelings for the bloke, yet before she left she expected me to sort the gate out on the front drive so she could get the dogs in and out of the car without them running off, and she even expected me to dry line and sound proof the living room wall so the neighbours couldn’t hear the dogs while she was away! but none of this was premeditated for her convenience for when I was out of the picture.

Funny thing is, I knew so much I would tell her exactly what was going on, which she would rigorously deny, yet she would accuse me of planting cameras in the house because I was so precise with her behaviour.

Greetings. I'm new here.  My partner has erratic behavior and my therapist says it could be bpd. I'm here seeking understanding and validation of my experience through listening to others and hopefully (feeling safe enough) to share my own one day.

I agree with all of this and have experienced what this is like. I also agree there is harm in walking on eggshells and placating/appeasing someone. I think you are spot on in implicating your father as the one to have boundaries with.

One reason I think for the many responses to your post is that- we have been in this situation, in different ways and so, we've seen the reactions to doing so. It doesn't mean don't do it- choosing to have boundaries is the emotionally healthy choice- it's the outcome to be aware of. Since I wasn't aware- this is a "what I wish someone had warned me about" post, not a "you can't do it" post.

I agree that what your father is doing isn't OK, and he's the half of the pair and the issues with your BPD mother. In this sense, he's been her co-emotional abuser by enlisting you as a secondary caretaker probably since you were very young and not considering the effect it has on you. Your feelings about this are valid and it makes sense that every time he makes this request, it feels bad to you. It does to me too. Whenever I was in a position where I was expected to emotionally caretake BPD mother, it felt icky.

I also observed my father getting older, more tired, and less able to provide the emotional careraking BPD mother required. At some point he lost his own self in this relationship. The two of them were enmeshed- one person. One will- hers. But there was more that I didn't see as I also didn't live near them, and only saw them for visits. It was when I stayed with them to help with Dad that I saw, for the first time, what it was like to be with them 24/7, and it was way worse for Dad than I imagined. I even called social services to see if I could intervene but since he was legally competent, he'd have never agreed to that and I could do nothing. This was an emotional and vebally abusive relationship and if BPD mother wasn't placated, if people didn't do what she wanted, Dad would be the dealing with that.

At this point, after decades of this, he seemed like someone with Stockholm syndrome. While to me, he appeared to be the more reasonable parent to try to reason with, in this situation, he wasn't able to be reasonable. When BPD mother wanted him to do something, she could be relentless. All he wanted in the moment was for her to stop, even if it was temporary.

I also can relate to not feeling affectionate with family members. One alternative to this is that we don't feel love or affection with people we don't feel emotionally safe with. It's hard to be authentic with people who aren't emotionally safe to be with.

Like your counselor has advised- showing up more authentically is a good thing, it's important, and I was also encouraged to do this too. It has had benefits for me personally to work on this but disordered family members may remain disordered.

You can choose how to respond to your father's request and also choose your battles. I don't see in your posts where your goal is a potential rift in family relationships that could result from this kind of boundary setting. You've had counseling and recovery but they have not. From what I see in your posts, your goal seems to be how to have boundaries and still maintain these relationships.

Mine was to maintain the geographical distance- where I could have my own space, and boundaries. I had an emotional boundary with her- kept emotionally neutral- grey rock. The choosing my battles was about deciding how much I wanted to have drama during the visit- not about placating her. In this situation, I was still choosing what boundaries to have, because if every boundary is a battle, it was about what to go to battle over.

The sad and unfortunate aspect of our relationships is that- even if I could be authentic, due to dysfunction, I don't think my parents could "see" me as who I was and it wasn't personal to me. For my BPD mother- what she saw in people was through her sense of feeling like a victim and her projections.

For my father, in his situation, anything that increased the issues for him was a last straw. And while I completely validate your experience, and feelings, I can see your resentment- and it's valid but bringing your feelings to your already ovewhelmed and possibly abused father is not likely to bring you two closer. There was a sign in my therapist's office- "hurting people hurt each other". You are hurting, Dad is hurting. Yes you can choose what to do but put that choice in context of what your overall goals are when considering that choice. How we implement boundaries can be a choice too.

We are "on your side" here and have experienced disordered family dynamics. What your father is asking of you isn't OK, and your choice is how to deal with that. You can choose and also post here for support and feedback whatever you do choose to do.

Sorry to hear what you're going through, be assured you aren't alone. A lot of us here tried hard to make things work but, like yourself, eventually realised we couldn't make it happen.

As Gems has said, this is probably the best place to find support, learn and share experiences.. or just plain vent if it helps. Everyone listens and can relate totally. And it does help to write it all down, even just to 'get it out of your system'.

No matter how caring and loving we are to others, we also need to take care of ourselves, both physically and especially mentally, as a BPD relationship is probably the most stressful thing we'll ever encounter.

Best wishes