One thing I have been doing is try to think of what would be a norpmal response in a non-disordered relationship. ex., If I said I don't know, either is fine to pwBPD's query of Do you want coffee or tea? a normal person would not fy into a rage about how I NEVER know what i want and I ALWAYS say I don't know to anything because i don't really care about or respect them and I can just make my own from now on because i am such as #^%#^@.

What would some normal replies be?
OK, I'll surprise you then.
OK, I'm having coffe e so I'll make you some too.
OK, well, I'll let you decide and make it on your own later.

Sometimes it helps to rmemebr what normal human interactions are like because our lives are so disordered.

That you do not have any court orders regarding parenting or custody makes your situation particularly murky.  What I mean is that in multiple ways or places she could create incidents, portraying herself and the little children as victims and alleging you as a perp or ogre.  I'll cite a few instances in my own post separation ordeal, despite us having a court order in place.

I had chosen to employ a daycare center that my ex had previously used.  Due to prior conflict I had given a copy of our order to the staff.  Well, she arrived early one afternoon and tried to pick up our son about an hour early.  Their services were paid by me and it was still my parenting time so they declined to release our child before the time frame in the order.  Oops, she went too far.  They notified me that they were "withdrawing services" since they naturally didn't want conflict there.  I couldn't blame them.

Another time my ex did not arrive to pick up our child when her time was to start.  So I picked him up.  Later she demanded our child.  I replied he was already with me.  A little later she and a deputy drove up.  She demanded him but I said she didn't pick him up.  The deputy tried to be peacemaker but he didn't know the history of recurring conflict.  He wasn't about to step in, advised her to leave and and told us both to work it out with court.  (She picked him up the next day when I had taken him to daycare again when I went back to work.)

That advice rhymed with what I was told when we were first separated and had no orders yet.  I called and asked the police to accompany me to her place so I could safely see my son.  They declined, stating they would get involved only if I had a court order in hand.  I asked, what if I went anyway and she called them for "help"?  The reply, we will respond.  Since I didn't want to risk arrest, I had to wait to see my child until a few weeks later after court made an order.

In summary, since you are not separated and don't have a family/domestic court order, the police will likely view any conflict as married with both parents have equal but undefined parenting rights.  (The officers' task is merely to defuse the immediate conflict, nothing more.)  They may urge the parents to work it out in court... or they may decide to arrest one or both parents to "defuse" the incident.  Be forewarned that most police have standing policy that if one parent is removed then, unless otherwise indicated, it is the male parent who faces that penalty.

How much earlier do you think would be being up front?
My plan has me telling her ~6 hours before the event. That's not right before, but admittedly still a bit last minute.
I can still do it the previous day if I decide that's better, but not earlier than that unless I move it from Friday to a later date.

My view on this might be clouded. In my mind she will feel betrayed and trampled no matter what, and giving her more time also gives her more time to obsess and lose her mind over it - and to keep escalating to make comply with her wishes again. I see little to gain and potential for lots of madness.

The blowout will come for sure. I am basically just walking over her on this, no other way to see it. I hate to do it, but I don't see any alternatives either.


They know some of it, enough I think. I don't think they would be entirely surprised if she turned up at the restaurant to make a scene.


This bothers me a lot: If she gets unstable enough and I feel compelled to stay home to make sure the child is ok... Then she gets her way by acting crazy enough. So that's not great, but on the other hand, to just leave her with the child if she's having a panic attack or something, or even to try to take the child from her and then leave? Doesn't sound that great either.

Hola Abril,

Tu historia es bastante comun en este foro.  Parece que para muchas que padezcan de TLP sufren mas en la universidad, tal vez porque emocionalmente, todavia operan como ninas pequenas.  Ademas, los circulos de amigos cambian, y tu querida hija esta desesperada por congeniar con los demas.  Lo que pasa es que no sabe muy bien quien es (salvo victima), y su autoestima es pesima.  ?Esto suena correcto?

Creo que es una buena senal que tu hija vaya a terapia y que tome los medicamentos, pero probablemente no esta tomando la terapia muy en serio.  ?Por que no?  Porque su vida esta "funcionando" para ella.  Tiene casa, dinero, tiempo libre, la libertad para hacer lo que quiere, y no tiene responsibilidades significativas.  No tiene suficiente motivo para cambiar.  Ademas, probablemente piensa que el resto del mundo debe cambiar, no ella.  Imagino que ella piensa que siempre es victima, ?verdad?  Esto es muy comun con TLP.  Aunque esta deprimida, desgustada, descepcionada, enojada y avergonzada, echa la culpa a los demas, especialment a ti.  Sus pensamientos son muy negativos y poco logicos.  Es bastante dificil cambiar su forma de pensar, que trastorna todo lo que experimenta.  Los cambios son muy dificiles para ella.

Supongo que mi consejo es, intenta tomar pasos de bebe.  Si ella no es funcional ahora mismo, diria que su prioridad debe ser la terapia.  A lo mejor necesita un descanso de los estudios por el momento, porque no puede concentrarse muy bien cuando no esta estable.  Insistir en seguir con estudios es casi destinado al fracaso.  ?Te parece razonable?  Una vez "estable," diria que el seguinte "paso de bebe" seria adoptar habitos saludables.  ?Tu hija es capaz de comer bien, dormir las noches, cuidar de su higiene, limpiar su habitacion, hacer ejercicio fisico?  Si no, yo diria enfocarse en establecer uno o dos habitos saludables, porque cuidar de una misma de forma habitual reduce el estres y fomenta la autoestima.  Luego diria que un paso mas seria re-establecer las amistades.  Y cuando su vida parece mas estable y normal, a lo mejor esta lista para intentar estudiar o trabajar de nuevo.  Aun asi, aconsejaria tomar "pasos de bebe," por ejemplo intentar una sola clase online al principio.  Si muestra que puede hacerla con exito, entonces puede proceder a tomar mas clases.  Pero intentar manejar una ajenda completa cuando el resto de su vida es un desastre es destinado al fracaso.

Mira, tu hija solo tiene 21 anyos.  Tiene tiempo para aprender a mejorar su vida.  Y tiene una madre fuerte que la quiere.

Un fuerte abrazo.

No esta UD. sola. Hay otras personas que se sienten asi. Entiende Ud bien ingles?

Yes.

She broke the removable shaft on the vacuum I just bought. There's a button to remove the center piece for smaller handheld use and she just snapped it in half. Who knows, maybe on purpose. I didn't get mad as to not trigger a meltdown.

She totaled her car by rear ending a truck, she said she assumed he was going to start driving after the light turned green...she was apparently going 5mph....and crushed her entire car. It wasn't her fault, but the tail lights on the truck deceiving her.

I hate that I forget the situation, but she once was arguing with an empty cardboard box. It wasn't even funny. I was so confused and put off by it.

Hola Soy Abril

Mi hija va a terapia una vez a la semana , va aún taller de DBT, toma 8 pastillas al día esto es desde el 2021.

Pero las conductas problemas siguen y siguen, relaciones sexuales impulsivas con chicos que acaba de conocer, la acaban de estafar online , se desregula por una simple discusión con una amiga que no es amiga , se toma rescates todos los días además.

Esta " estudiando un grado superior y lleva 3 años en primero.

También tiene una psiquiatra que la cita cada 3 meses.

Todo esto no parece funcionar.

Ella no es funcional,  no es responsable de nada .

Ha estado ingresada 3 meses, cogió el alta voluntaria. Y no ha integrado la terapia que es fundamental para su recuperación.

Áhora solo pienso en echarla de casa, y se que su vida la condenaria a una vida marginal.

Se que no lo haré porque la quiero , pero estoy abrumada.

Agotada porque con ella no hay un día bueno.

Y noto que mi cansancio después de 5 años , es mayor que mi esperanza porque mejore .

Creo que esto no tiene solución.

Pienso que no va a tener una vida autónoma,  funcional y feliz.

Creo que lo peor es ver como destroza su vida y su salud .

Gracias por escuchar

Be it a laptop, remote control, car, phone, electric plug, password or anything else, does your SO have a problem with inanimate objects just always not working for them?   And when you troubleshoot the problem, you realize it’s one of the following: 

1) They didn’t slow down and do something properly, and instead assumed it was the fault of the object.   

2) They’ve broken something because of their impatience

3) They’ve missed something simple because their anger has overwhelmed their ability to simply look at a situation and fix it themselves.   

I hope you can realize that you were never the cause of someone else's misery.  The problem was in the pwBPD's head the entire time. 

There was a saying, I think attributed to Mother Theresa that went something like "ignore others when they praise you and ignore others when they scorn you."  The point was to keep the focus on the task at hand, and not allow others' opinion to change your self image. 

Hopefully you never end up in another relationship with a pwBPD, but if you do, remember this, and don't allow them to distort your reality. 

There are two approaches to this conundrum:

One is to tell her earlier and address her concerns like you care, as unreasonable as they may be, in hopes that this gets the result you want with a minimum of disruption.  But of course, this risks giving her more time to potentially sabotage the event. 

The other approach is what you plan to do, and that avoids the latter concern of giving her time to plan a way to sabotage the outing, but risks a bigger blowup I think.

Does your family know about your wife's behavior and potential personality disorder?  I found that letting them know ahead of time helped, insofar as I didn't have to worry about the other peoples' reaction as much and could focus on trying to keep BPDxw calm in the moment.  Like they would know "oh, she's just doing the crazy thing he warned us about, it's not anything we did, and we can talk about this with him later when she's not around."

I tend to think the first approach is better here, although expect a blowup anyway.  At least with the first approach, it doesn't give the pwBPD a reason to feel "betrayed" or you not being up front, and could take some of the wind out of their sails, so to speak.