With my BPD kid, it's so obvious for me when she's okay and when she's dysregulated.  If she's thinking clearly, then we can talk about anything and I'll go along for the ride.  Sometimes that includes her complaining about work, friends, etc.  And that's okay, I'll listen and talk it out like I would with anyone else.

However, when my kid is unhinged, I play by an entirely different set of rules.  Maybe she rants about her partner being horrible, maybe she trashes her mom or her sister.  I don't even consider the words coming out of her mouth because they're being fed by unhealthy emotions.  She's just saying them to vent and try to feel normal once again, and a lot of the time she wouldn't even believe what she's saying (or remember that she said it).  So I ignore the words entirely for as much of the conversation as I can.

Instead, I focus on her emotions- she's angry, she's depressed, she's scared, etc.  Once I have a firm grip on the emotion being tied to all the dialogue, then I treat her like she's a two year old crying over an upset tummy.  If she's furious, then I soothe her emotions and help her calm down.  If she's in a panic and worried about how she'll get through the day, I calmly, patiently talk to her about focusing on the stuff we can control and to let everything else go. 

I don't buy into any of her rants...I don't even respond to them.  I just focus on soothing emotions until she calms down and stops thinking in a dysregulated way.

If it's a serious problem, we have to talk about it directly.  But I don't go there until she's speaking calmly and thinking things through like anyone would.  Her "problems" are never bigger than her mental health challenges since she's incapable of making a sound decision in that mindset.  So again, all my focus is on her emotions and calming her down, lifting her up, or whatever the moment requires.

For your specific question- what do I do when she claims to be suicidal?  The exact same thing I explained above.  I focus on her emotions first and then we can talk deeper about what's actually going on.  If I think she's actually suicidal and a threat to herself, then I dial 9-1-1 without permission every time...and she knows that's what I'll do.  So that's no longer a "bluff" she'll throw my way for attention.  Before I get to that though, I focus on calming her down and helping her mentally stabilize to see if it's just a bad moment or actually a crisis.

This is RIDICULOUSLY HARD STUFF that none of us know to do instinctively.  It has taken me years of practice and I still get it wrong all the time.  But by being consistent in my actions is a huge help to my kid since she always knows what she's going to get.

That was supposed to be your granddaughter there, right?  Just making sure we understand the situation correctly.

I'm sure you've tried this already, but have you thought about trying to reconcile with your daughter, even if it's only for the "greater good?"  I don't mean apologizing for all the stuff she's blamed on you.  Instead, if you focused on her emotional rollercoaster of feelings and showed sympathy there, it could go a long way in finding some sort of communication.

That's ultimately what I did with my BPD daughter...we never talked about the blame of the past.  I just told her that I was sorry she's struggling and that i always did the best I could, and I never fully understood what she was going through emotionally.

It's a thought anyway.

Hey friend!  Sorry I couldn't respond sooner, I just went three days without internet.

There's always going to be things to second-guess and you can't live in that world.  Your letter was honest, supporting, and encouraging.  Plus it didn't cast any blame.

If you want to send it, then send it.  If you want to hang onto it, that's fine as well.  But don't beat yourself up over whatever you decide.  Either way is an acceptable choice.

What a nightmare!!!!

So do you think in their case an atty with more experience in bpd/npd would be able to support a quicker resolution?

Thank you EyesUp

This affirms what I am learning about the separation/D process and different roles played.


I anticipate both will occur with my SO; sympathy seeking/victim mentality as well as denial and dragging response/input. I anticipate needed mediation as a cost saving measure as he drags everything out, but needing to use an atty / the court system to hold him to account.


Thank you - I love these practical tips!! 

Also m43 with at least 3 long-term past BPD relationships (likely 4).  So I clearly don't have any answers, but you're in the right place.

With experience, I've found it's easier to see the signs earlier. I've also found that a lot of my problems are caused by me willingly moving forward with ill-advised relationships, always thinking I can overcome the BPD hurdles. And clearly there's something I initially enjoy about these relationships in the first place.

It's also interesting to think about what signs I show outwardly to signal that I'm willing to put up with a BPD relationship - how do they find me so quickly?

I know your post is focused on healing and moving on. I guess my questions are more about how this happens in the first place. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on either part.

It keeps cutting off most of my replies! Part 2 - I love all of your advice. It's really eye opening.
Could you share then - when the kid is not raging, but is depressed, with giving-up type talk?
 I validate the feeling. And again. And again. I offer to call 911. Child refuses. She won't call either.

How do you end that kind of phone call without seeming heartless, uncaring and like it's abandonment when she feels at her lowest?

In that moment, that's how she feels, but then the next hour or two, she's might call my husband from the grocery store. So, it's surreal and hard to figure out. She's not talking to me now. Only him. So no chance to practice.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for these very helpful and detailed responses.

If I'm honest, this is kind of confusing! How can anyone hope to thread this needle? I'm so impressed with you all. You are so good at this. It's such a precise road to walk!

Hi,
I have a child that acts very similarly. No drugs involved but very disrespectful phone calls, frequent medical conditions, suicidal thinking.

I agree- it’s hard to respond to those without confirming in their mind that we don’t care. That is where I too get hung up. I really like cc ‘s advice about offering to call for help. If they say no- then maybe validate and offer confidence:I understand this feels hopeless because 1, 2 and 3   (You are tired of feeling like this, you think it won’t change and you feel that no one cares etc) and I know you are strong and smart and will get thru this.

That is what I was coached to say. Not sure I can do it, but I’m going to try. I think if we stay in the weeds, trying to fix their broken situations, there’s no hope it changes. The hard part is living with our own distress when we respond this way.

It's not just your own instincts, right? 

It sounds like your therapist is trying to disclose some things to you - maybe even quite directly in therapist-speak.

Don't let the 'new' revelations become a sticking point. For example, now that (1) she is diagnosed BPD ... this doesn't really change what you've been dealing with for 10 years ... it only gives a label to it.  It was already stressful for you, and will continue to be stressful (and probably physically dangerous).  (2) vilification and (3) hatred are also 'new' things that are difficult to understand, but you've been dealing with other things that you are already saying are unacceptable to you.

Use these new revelations as motivation if that helps, but also ... it sounds like you've seen plenty of things yourself, regardless of whether these new things are true or not (they are true).