Hello,

This is all rather new to me so please forgive any faux pas. On Sunday, 13th September, my seven year relationship came to an end over 48 hours. Saturday morning started absolutely fine, yet, after stating that she was going to read for a while (we are long-distance at the moment), I never heard back from her. She quite literally left the call on until it cut out on it's own, and I didn't hear from her afterward, which is completely uncharacteristic of her (she will usually message me about 3 times a day if not responded to).

Concerned for her safety, and knowing that she might be struggling regarding a high stress environment at work whilst tapering off Setraline, I contacted her parents who eventually responded with a curt "thanks for your concern, she's fine, thanks." Mere moments later I received two messages from my significant other, ten minutes apart, telling me that our seven year relationship was over, and that she would check for communications on Sunday "if I felt like sending anything."

This has completely blindsided me. I knew we were stressed from long work hours that ate up most of the day, and that we weren't our most enthusiastic over the last four months, but we had weathered previous BPD flareups in COVID amidst similar circumstances without any breakup. We were planning to see each other for a long period of time over Christmas, and I was just about saving up enough money to start beginning application processes. Instead, she has completely shut down and ghosted me, giving me next Sunday to talk to her again, which she said I shouldn't feel pressured into.

I don't want to lose this relationship, the idea of losing it crushes me to my very core. They're the only person in my life who has left me feeling whole, and I truly love them, even now, despite this. I wish I knew what they thought I had done, or I wish I had done something terrible myself so I could be marred in self-pity and rage rather than being hopeless, knowing I haven't done anything wrong apart from be tired.

I feel stupid for not taking in every moment as I should've, I don't understand how this has happened so fast, and perhaps it's my bad for not educating myself enough, or being so tired from work I missed a key piece of the puzzle entirely. We argued a week or two prior about her venting her feelings regularly, which upset her, but I thought this was resolved, and we had made up. Could this really have been the trigger?

What is the best course of action in my position? If this was impulsive, what are my best steps to helping her and bringing her back? How do I navigate the week waiting for Sunday? In short - what do I do!?

Ditto, Mssalty.  That's exactly my experience.

Coming up with solutions for this is tough, given that the professionals involved (i.e. the judges and attorneys) assume the best about both parties, i.e. despite the differences between the ex-spouses, they each will comply in good faith with the court orders and put the kids' needs first.

adding BPD to the equation is like throwing a curve ball; and you can see that all the professionals are reluctant to acknowledge it because it's not something they're equipped to deal with or able to prevent. 

I agree 100% with this observation.  I think the courts generally presume that parents will be compliant with the court's instructions.  However, that doesn't reflect reality with BPD/NPD, who as we know resist boundaries, don't tend to be "rule followers," and oftentimes have difficulties following through with commitments, even simple ones.  Thus in my opinion, any parenting plan should include instructions about what happens when parents DON'T comply.  An example might be, if a parent doesn't provide 24 hours' advance notice about cancelling parenting time, that parenting time will be forfeited and not rescheduled.  Or, if a parent is more than 30 minutes late to pick up the child from school (or the exchange location), then that parent forfeits the parenting time.  Another scenario might be, if a parent cancels or otherwise forfeits more than 25% of parental time in a given calendar quarter, then it is deemed that the parenting schedule is too demanding, and an alternative, reduced schedule will come into effect (such as no overnights).  If parent can show that they can sustain the reduced schedule for two consecutive calendar quarters with less than 5% of missed parenting times or forfeits, then the regular schedule can be reinstated.

I imagine you know where your ex tends to "go off the rails," as ForeverDad wrote, when it pertains to your child's care and well-being.  You could think about the likely scenarios of non-compliance and get those factored into a parenting plan. 

Hello, wife is threatening to divorce if we don't move into a new house that is too expensive for us, we are both unemployed and we live on family financial help, family currently pays some of our bills like rent, and this new house would be double of our current rent cost.

It is the same pattern as always, she says once we move in there we will have money (magically), no matter how much explaining from me that we can't afford that and we have no evidence that we will have the enormous amount of money that would be required for this to be a financially responsible decision, there are other cheaper houses but she insists on the more expensive ones due to them being prettier.

We have one small kid, and this is what hurts me the most.

She always pressed me into decisions like this, for example moving in with just a few months of relationship instead of dating for longer, and so on.

On her work side, she made bad decisions finance wise and now is paying for them, I refused to pay these crisis money for her, now she wants to apply the same decision framework that money will magically appear even without evidence that it will, at least not in the amount she wants.

I'm reading "Stop walking on eggshells", I felt super tempted to give in just to keep us together but honestly giving in is what brought us to financial ruin at first, alongside some other bad decisions from me as well, so I'm exercising my right to say "no".
But it hurts!

I am even having physical symptons, like going too much to the bathroom to do the "number 2", due to persisting on my "no" after the threat.

I fear for our kid, the most.

She says that I will pay a lot either for that rent or for child support and ex-wife support.

I wish we could live a responsible and disciplined life, would solve most of our problems, and I will do so myself, even if it means a divorce, as I tried to live in the maelstrom of her emotions and I ruined myself doing it, compromising even our family's survival.

To expand on this thought, I recall in my own divorce there was one exception... when we first arrived in family court... that first temporary order.  Then, sadly, the court was quick to take us who had been parenting together for years and award temp custody and temp parenting to the Mother and Father only had alternate weekends and an evening in between.  "Temporary" was the problem.  Though within two weeks CPS had stood up in court and stated they had "no concerns" about me, nothing changed.  As so often happens nothing changed until the final decree some to years later, after the court's own parenting investigation and the in-depth Custody Evaluation.  Even then - post-divorce - the court was reluctant to make big changes.

What I've seen in many cases reported here is that when some big event is brought to the courts attention, it and the associated professionals can be quick to take action and make new temp orders.  But then, rather than seeing this as a long term and ingrained pattern needing long term changes, they will seek to set goals to stair step parenting back to the way it was.

The problem is that the goals are just one sided, step to reduce the actions just taken.  Almost universally the outlined steps never include what to do when the problem parent doesn't truly follow the restorative steps and starts causing problems again.  Then when things predictably "go off the rails" nothing can happen until it goes back to court perhaps months later.  So there ought to be some mechanism clearly set in the order where an official steps in and requires some of the prior restrictions to be restored at least until a hearing date can be scheduled and held.

Whether you can get such a novel concept - I'm being a bit facetious here - included in any ordered positive goals-related schedule may be up to you and your attorney.

I also failed to mention here that if your children had previously been blocked from counseling services by the ex - except perhaps what is available in schools - then this is the time to get that started.  Years ago my lawyer told me "Courts love counseling!"  And often when parents can't agree on counselors for the children, the court will step in and agree with us.  Of course, we need to select experienced, unbiased and respected professionals.

You are not alone in being considered the troublemaker by another family member when you try to set healthier boundaries with a disordered family member. People who enable and side with the dysfunctional behaviors of the disordered family member(s) are often referred to as "flying monkeys" and there are many articles on the internet on "flying monkeys".

It can often be more hurtful to be judged and ostracized by another family member when they side with the disordered family member than by the behaviors of the disordered family member. I am currently very low contact with my brother who is easily manipulated by my narcissistic sister with whom I have been no contact with for several years now. I am able to have a very limited relationship with my brother as I asked him to not discuss our sister and to stay out of the conflict. My sister has gone overboard to stay in his good graces and he sides with her in any conflict between the three of us. We just don't discuss my sister anymore yet he is in frequent contact with her and rarely has contact with me.

Healthy human beings do not get involved in alliances against another person without judging for themselves what is the right path to take. It can be very uncomfortable for many family members to change the rules of family functioning when there is no history of healthy resolution of conflict. What are the unwritten rules in your family that make getting along so challenging?

My PWBPD loves to trauma dump, but also doesn’t understand the toll it takes on me, or the fact that when you’ve heard the same traumas dozens of times, the logical conclusion for most people is “so what are you doing to move on?”

With my PWBPD, memory is selective.  They fashion idealized memories and punitive memories in equal measure.   They have a scorecard of every “mean” thing I’ve ever done, but the nice things I’ve done never come to mind when they decide its attack mode.  The “nice” memories are usually not for conjuring happiness, but instead for conjuring happiness lost.   It’s almost like they choose to be unhappy and then seek all the reasons they should feel unhappy rather than trying to cling to reasons that life doesnt’ completely suck. 

If you don’t support that worldview, you’re not supportive of them. 

That’s another thing I’ve learned, that it’s hard for a PWBPD to grasp that you (or anyone) is a separate person who may have feelings, thoughts, beliefs, or actions that do not mirror their own.  The more you differ from them, the more agitated they can get.   

CC43’s post was on the money.

BPD combined with other mental health issues is the worst.  I just realized a few months ago how my PWBPD’s OCD and anxiety was tied into BPD and shaped the way in which they dealt with that. 

It’s one thing to blame trauma when you’re first starting out addressing your mental health, but when you’re years down the road and further away from the trauma, ideally it should be less of an excuse for staying who you are. 

I’ve realized that while they are trying to deal with their other mental health issues, any struggle there is worsened by their BPD traits.  They will blame you for what is going on.  They’ll get mad if you don’t deal with their issues in the way they think you should or don’t give the proper support (in their eyes) at the right time.   If they keep cycling through the same traumas and you get frustrated or point out  the pattern they’re stuck in, they’ll get mad. 

My PWBPD remembers things with absolute clarity that never happened.  They listen to others not to hear, but waiting for triggers.  If you don’t trip landmines, you might be okay.   If you do, then any help you’re trying to give will be ignored and it will come back to you.   

It’s not really a fair situation.  You can’t expect a fair fight, a fair analysis of their own struggles, a fair analysis of your attempts to be there for them.   

I suspect that if all my PWBPD had in their life was a potted plant, the potted plant would be the one to blame for their struggles.   

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve also been at the teaching end of the name calling and volcanic rage. And strangely, among all the emotions, there is the grief of loss too. And you have the loss of both sisters. So glad you are in therapy and using this board. The emotions are deep and those two things really do help.