It's common for a new member here to remark that the person with BPD traits (pwBPD) in their life described all their previous relationship partners as horrible people.  Blame Shifting is a predictable pattern.  That was the theme of William Eddy's book, "It's All Your Fault!"  Sooner or later all their failed relationships get that Blaming.


We don't know whether her previous partner would like to communicate with you.  If so, try not to let it get out of hand... try to keep it somewhat positive, such as what you've learned from it.

She took her daughter and left the house to go stay with another relative who she has convinced that I am being unfair. She is very persuasive and manipulative. Let them assume responsibility for her and the baby for now since they were so keen on listening to her. Everyone tires of her eventually. I’m the only dummy that keeps believing that she will get better.

Thanks CC for more to pull over. I appreciate your what you shared.

 This is 95% me. I have more healing, more attention to taking care of myself.
NotWendy - my son's comment about the braces was what kind of a mom would have their son's braces cut off .

I'll get this and give success reports. Thanks for being there now.

I'm sure your son put you in a bind.  You felt that his pain was so bad that he just needed to take his braces off.  Indeed, he screamed and cried, probably loudly and persistently.  You allowed him to get what he wanted to stop the pain, screaming and crying.

Your son didn't relent until you did!  Does that sound familiar?  Does it still apply today?

I'm not sure if your son's pain with the braces was merely physical, with tooth soreness and tongue blisters.  I wore braces, headgear and retainers at that age, and they hurt, sometimes quite a bit, disrupting my sleep.  But there was emotional "pain" too--braces aren't pretty, and retainers made me lisp until I got used to them.  I'm sure there was some teasing by classmates.  Wearing mouthgurads with braces in sports was another challenge for me.  Having a driver's licence picture or yearbook picture with braces might be mildly embarrassing.  Yet most kids endure the temporary discomfort, adjustments and self-consciousness for the long-term benefits:  correcting a bite and improving one's smile.  Getting braces isn't uncommon at all, at least where I live.  It's almost a rite of passage.  A main difference is that these days, braces are worn at younger ages, and they look better in my opinion.

Alas, with BPD, the short term typically trumps the long term, and emotions typically trump rational thought.  What I experience with the pwBPD in my life is a mix of low distress tolerance, too much focus on her external image and general perception distortion.  Here's another thing:  I think the pwBPD in my life doesn't have a strong sense of self, which prevents her from planning properly for her "future self."  In other words, since she doesn't know who she is today (except victim), she can't possibly think about working towards a better future for herself.  When she confronts a challenge, such as wanting money or enduring braces, what happens?  She has a hard time tolerating today's minor distress (having to wait to save up some money, enduring a little discomfort).  She has a distorted perception of what will happen if she doesn't immediately get what she wants.  She just can't go on living until she gets it--the real-life equivalent for my pwBPD is plastic surgery.  She becomes obsessive about it, saying she can't tolerate living without it.  Does that ring any bells?  With my pwBPD, there's little value placed on patience, perspective, working towards things she wants.  Rather, I think she feels entitled, downtrodden and aggrieved because she doesn't have what she wants, and it's someone else's fault.

The sad reality is, this "affliction" is part of BPD.  And it can't be "fixed" by throwing money at it.  Even if I paid for ten plastic surgeries for my pwBPD, do you think she'd feel any better?  If I paid for a new apartment, a new car, more education, a dog, a vacation in Europe, would she feel better?  I think you know the answer to those questions.  What happens is that the more money she gets from parents, the more she feels entitled, and her needs don't diminish, they expand!  That's because the core problem isn't one about money, but about emotional control, negative thinking patterns and negative self-image.

So what do you do?  I think you shift your focus away from fixing, and towards bolstering your son's independence.  You support your son, not by giving him money, but by giving him love and encouragement, provided that he's treating you right.  You show confidence in his ability to figure things out for himself, and you give him room to do that.  You remind him of his many good deeds.  You praise the seemingly small wins--having a civil conversation, taking care of himself, working a full week, keeping the lights on, doing something nice for his kid, solving a tough situation himself.  Praising these actions, these baby steps towards healthy habits and independence, can go a long way in my opinion.  It's funny, I just noticed how I wrote about praising actions over qualities.  I could have said emotionally-charged things like, I love how you're artistic, smart, charming, etc., which a pwBPD might question because I'm "insincere"--of course a mom is going to think that.  But somehow, I think that praising actions is more believable, more real.

What kind of a mother would do that? Me! I had braces, my kids had braces. Sometimes it hurt, but they now have a nice smile. And to the dentist, who gave them novocaine shots and drilled their teeth.That hurt too. 

Sometimes parents take their kids to dentists and orthodontists who do things that hurt- and while we don't want our kids to hurt, we do it because- it protects the health of their teeth.

That your son brought this up as an adult as "evidence" of you hurting him is disordered BPD thinking. You know that isn't true. It's not being horrible to take your child to get braces.

One boundary is a knowing oneself- knowing who you are and what your motives are. If someone else says otherwise, you know it's not true, and their saying it doesn't make it true. That your son brings up something that he thinks happened to him at 14 doesn't mean you have to give him money. It's sad that he thinks like this but you can't change how someone thinks.

Truthfully, this is about 95% about you, 5% about your son.

He's an adult and is responsible for himself.  You can't change him, you can't help him.  He must stand on his own two feet.  Either he gets help for his mental illness or he doesn't, but it is not your burden anymore.  In some ways it never was.

You are an adult and responsible for your self.  You want to help your son?  Great...take care of yourself first so you'll be stronger for the road ahead.  He's mentally ill and that won't change until he's ready to change it.  But you're suffering just the same because he keeps you on edge, keeps you second guessing.  That's like a mental illness too and it's something you can fix, but only if you stop doing what you're doing and actually allow yourself to heal.

I've been talking to my younger daughter a lot lately about her older BPD sister.  We went through hell in the home and we were both traumatized from it.  My younger kid is in therapy now and she's actually starting to remember some things- being bullied, being attacked, etc.  Her mind has hidden so much of that trauma, but it's coming back and for the first time ever, she's dealing with it directly. 

And I hate it, I hate everything about it, but I had to take that journey as well over the past few years.  To really see how bad things were at times and how much we went through.  My ex-wife was mild BPD, while my older daughter was extreme BPD or maybe even something more.  We don't really know.  I'm a different person today because I actually met that stuff head-on and stopped hiding from it.

Family - especially my family - was always a trigger for my ex.  Of course, anyone not one of my ex's chosen friends was a trigger.

Even ex's family have at times been her triggers.  There a NY politician and more recently a PuertoRican entertainer whose surnames are also in her family lineage so I have to be cautious about mentioning them.  Sadly, there's no lack of triggers.

Thanks CC43 - I appreciate every word you posted. He's intelligent and he has a job. He can do this if he really wants to. He can get help with his issues if he really wants to.
It's me saying no and letting him sink or swim. People do learn to swim the hard way sometimes. I'm not willing to go down with him. For whatever reason boundaries are hard for me - that's ok. I can learn.

I've read (and a psych friend confirmed) that smartphones, and social media especially, are designed to be addictive.  The likes and friend requests, etc. are a little dopamine kick every time you get them, and that just fuels that addiction. 

In less-developed brains, it's hard to overcome that, and completely devastating to their development. 

It's bad enough as an adult to deal with it!