One thing that helped me was realizing that repeated explanations weren’t leading to understanding, only more hurt. Stepping back wasn’t giving up - it was responding to the reality of the communication.

Prolonged mixed signals, emotional closeness followed by withdrawal, and unresolved endings can leave anyone feeling destabilized and unable to move on.
Given the intensity and duration of what you experienced, distance, clear boundaries, and ongoing support are what usually help clarity return.

Many of us have been exactly where you are. Fast closeness, mixed signals, and repeated crises can distort your sense of reality and leave you stuck in rumination and grief, and that reaction is normal. It doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy or that you imagined things - with time, boundaries, and support, the fog does clear.

Hi there, I think you have a decent self-care list.  I to practice controlled breathing, but mine is the military-style "box" breathing, which I'd describe as 8-8-8-8.  Sometimes I practice it while "gray rocking," and sometimes I do it while walking, too.  I also do five senses grounding.  My "journaling" is mostly on this site, as it helps me process events which transpire, and helps me feel less alone, because if I were describe what was really happening to other people, I think I'd come off as too negative and a little crazy myself.

I'd say my main go-to is exercise.  I prefer to exercise outdoors--there's something about fresh air, nature and changing scenery  that is comforting.  But I maintain a gym membership as a back-up, especially when the weather doesn't cooperate.  Moving my body has a way of relaxing my mind.  If I want to give my mind a total break, I'll focus on box breathing while on a walk.  But typically what I do is a "noticing" exercise.  I make a point of noticing something special on my walk--the sound of ice cracking on a pond, a gigantic mushroom, a swooping hawk, a frog duet, a lone bright red berry on a bush, March Mudness--and I take a "snapshot" in my mind.  Merely the act of trying to notice something special gives my brain something positive to think about.  At one point I was writing down the remarkable things on my walk in a notebook, and when I reviewed the long list, I could recall almost all those moments, as well as marvel about how many great walks I had taken.  This might by my personal twist on a gratitude journal.

Another thing I do is call a friend.  Now, this is one is tricky, because I don't want to dump on people all the time, nor lose a friendship.  But having a friendly ear to listen to me every so often helps me avoid feeling lonely or isolated.  I consider myself lucky because I have a couple of friends who have dealt with mental illness and understand where I'm coming from.  In fact I was surprised to learn it's more commonplace than I originally thought.

Sometimes I'll combine the two activities and invite a friend to go on a walk with me.  The issue is that this requires some planning.

During high-stress moments, I'll sometimes chew some gum.  There's something about chewing gum that seems like a stress reliever, an outlet for nervous energy, and maybe it helps blood flow to the brain?  The little taste of sweetness is pleasant, and maybe it's like the five senses grounding technique, getting me back in touch with myself?  When I was working in an office, I generally kept some gum nearby.  And guess what?  When I detected my teammates were stressed out, I'd offer them some gum--a little pick-me-up, a tiny break in a busy day, a friendly gesture, a way to show I cared, and sometimes an excuse to check in and maybe offer some help.

I too have had bouts of insomnia.  For me the best remedy is to exercise.  I'll still wake up at night, but I know I'm getting enough sleep because I'm functioning fine during the day.  Even if I'm not sleeping, I'll tell myself, I'm relaxing in bed, my body is getting the down time it needs.  If my mind is racing, I'll deploy the military mantra:  Don't Think, Don't Think, Don't Think, to try to banish intrusive thoughts.

I love reading, but sometimes when I'm stressed out, I can't focus enough to read.  Sometimes I'll do puzzles instead--a Sudoku or crosswords.  You'll say, but you need to focus on those too, and that's true, but the focus is intermittent, on micro-problems, not the sustained focus I need to remember plot points or historic details of a nonfiction book.  And sometimes I'll turn on a podcast instead.  I'm trying to learn French, so sometimes I'll turn on a podcast in French, and that seems to turn on a completely different part of my brain . . . helping me "travel" outside my immediate environment.  The ritual of daily learning I find comforting--doing something for myself, a routine of learning for learning's sake, which disordered people can't ruin for me.

Oftentimes I just need to get away.  Sometimes I'll drive to the local library.  Sometimes I'll drive to a scenic parking lot.  Typically I'll take my laptop with me, in case I want to get some "work" done (such as catch up on emails or pay some bills).  Sometimes I just need some peace, some space to do things like read the newspaper without being interrupted/needed/criticized.

Another distraction technique when I'm riled up is to clean my surroundings.  I figure, I'm upset and I have negative energy, I might as well put that energy to good use.  That's when I'll do some simple chores, like ironing, tidying, vacuuming my car or cleaning the windows in one room.  The result is comforting to me--a reduction of chaos in an otherwise chaotic world.  Cleaning and tidying gives me a renewed sense of control over my environment. 

Another go-to when I'm at home is to take a relaxing bath or shower.  For me this is a way to feel "clean," to wash away the worries of the day.  It's also about temperature--usually trying to warm up in winter and cool off in summer.  If I'm in desperate need of a good night's sleep, I'll try to take a relaxing bath before I go to bed, typically with very dim lights or candlelight.  I don't make it a huge production, it's supposed to be easy and relaxing, right?  Then I'll apply some moisturizer, which feels calming.  Now that I mention it, getting "clean" is a stress reliever for me.  Oftentimes I'll brush my teeth before undertaking a difficult task.

Sometimes I'll make myself a cup of tea, typically ginger tea (with no caffeine), sometimes spiked with cloves, turmeric, lemon and/or honey.  If the weather is too hot for tea, I'll make a tall glass of ice water with some lemon juice in it, a diluted lemonade.  I'll usually offer to make a drink for others around me, as a treat.

I think these are go-to techniques for me because they are easy, doable just about anywhere and free or almost free.  And they work for me.  I think the key is to find what works best for you.

I highlighted these parts of your post. I saw my father go through this and even if adult kids don't know all the details, I could see the strain for him.

I can make some suggestions from my own experiences. They aren't the same as yours exactly, but I also experienced the dynamics with my parents and this prompted me to do the work in CODA and ACA. My father was co-dependent and I had learned some of these tendencies.

CODA takes personal work and it's most effective when one works with a sponsor. Going to meetings is a part of it but the one on one with a sponsor is where the personal work happens. If you aren't working with one already, I think it's essential. Choose someone you can relate to, someone who you feel has the confidence you are seeking, and also a male, for similar perspectives.

Your self help strategies are good ones but, with the exception of CODA meetings, they are all solitary. Isolation is common in co-dependency. The meetings are a first step to making changes with this but it's still a first step. The statement "self doesn't heal self" is heard in this program and it's true. I couldn't see my own behaviors as well. When a sponsor turned the mirror on me, I could begin to change them.

Isolation is also lonely. Your BPD wife's social mask is hiding her shame and low self image. You are her accomplice in this. While I don't think it's appropriate to speak publically about her, it would shame her, speaking to someone, in confidence- a counselor, therapist, sponsor- also helps you to validate your own perceptions, connect to someone on a less superficial level, and also theraputic. You need the therapy too.

BPD affects the closest relationships the most and so it makes sense that you are the main person to trigger her. It doesn't seem fair, as family members are the people who care about them the most but I think this is why this happens. PwBPD also mask in public and that takes a lot of effort. With family, they feel secure enough to not do this.

If just your presence is setting your wife off, then I think it would help to have some time away from her, in another environment, with stable people. If all your time is spent listening to her own disordered thinking, it's hard to hold on to your own. Find something that isn't solitary but that is enjoyable. Volunteer work, a hobby that's done with others, even a part time low stress job.

These are all just suggestions.  Outsiders are powerless. I also understand that this is easier said than done. Hopefully you will be able to take steps to preserve your perspective and well being in this situation. For a start- a therapist, a sponsor- someone who you can safely and confidentially speak to may help.

Im wondering if the dynamics here are similar to my ex’s situation.

We all know that the deep root cause of a pwBPD behaviour is driven by a fear of abandonment and a need to feel loved/wanted/needed. That is why it is usually only the romantic partner that gets to see all the dysregulated behaviour and bare the full brunt of it. Often anyone outside that closest inner circle are completely unaware of a disorder as they will hardly ever get triggered by anyone that simply doesn’t mean that much to them.

We have all heard the saying you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. She chose you and will have a deeper fear of abandonment from you than she will her mother, she didn’t have a choice in her parent. Maybe her abuse of her mother is more silent and less obvious than her abuse towards you.

To use my case as an example. I believe I made her split when I said the words “stop buying drugs from him you are killing me”
That is certainly when I noticed small signs of her withdrawing before she monkey branched with him.

She actually said the words to me “I don’t want to destroy you, it doesn’t matter if I destroy him”

Does she get dysregulated and verbally attack him? I don’t know the answer to that. Does she abuse him in other ways? You bet your bottom dollar she does. She was unfaithful to him for a year! That was while she was renting a house on her own.

Since she has moved in with him, for just over a year now, she hasn’t to my knowledge been unfaithful to him. Certainly not with me but then I’ve put up boundaries. But she is now in the situation that Pook has mentioned about your wife, living under someone else’s roof, so the stakes are higher now if she dysregulated and may become homeless.

My ex avoids seeing me nowadays. When she does she can easily get triggered, start playing the victim, or get angry for no real reason. She still acts with emotion, not indifference. If I meant nothing she would act with indifference.

It is a little different in your situation as there is no third party and you are working towards improvement so she can come back home at some point whereas for my ex and I that isn’t the case, but I think that is why the pwBPD will emotionally dysregulate and verbally attack, because you were chosen and the object of their love, whereas the love for a parent, and I believe the ‘love’ my ex thinks she has for her bf is nothing but an attempt to bandage her emotional wounds, are completely different.

Yes, there are always two sides to the coin and our feelings certainly play a big role in how a BPD feels.  By changing our behavior, it can stop the arguments and allow things to begin to heal.  I'm glad you finally got there.

A dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system can cause alcoholism, can cause gambling, and is present in most pwBPD. This is not new research. It is ignored research.

Medication targeting the opioid system has been approved since 1984 to treat substance addictions. And it was approved to treat alcoholism since 1994. It has been used for gambling as well, off-label (well, it is an addiction anyway).

In 2010 such dysregulation was proposed to be the key mechanism behind BPD. Later, a few clinical studies were conducted, and you can check the results and surprise yourself. Such medication does not have withdrawal effects, does not have major side effects, and does not create addiction, but yet, it's only being used in some hospitals for BPD patients with acute symptoms or opioid addiction.

I'm against psychiatric medication. I think they make people sick and dependent. But this is one of the few exceptions to the rule. In my research, even in micro dosages, it will be effective alone in addressing low opioid tone and will make it easier for the patient to adhere to therapy or any sort of self-help.

But of course, it will be up to the doctor to prescribe it for the alcoholism and gambling.

Your partner is an adult and you have only limited influence on his choices and actions.  We are here as peer support.  That is why I previously commented that your focus or priority may need to be on yourself and your children.

I am not aware of a medication that treats both the alcoholism and the gambling, all in one, but I admit I don't know the latest research.

The consensus for many years has been that while medications can moderate Borderline traits, they are not The Solution.  There are multiple factors influencing him and how he acts and reacts.  Another issue with meds is that no one can force him to continue taking them.  In the past many stopped taking meds after a while since they didn't like the side effects.  General advice is that appropriate therapy, if started, continued and diligently applied in his life, can improve his perceptions, outlook and behavior.  That's a big IF.

I’m in quite a distressed state right now, so I don’t know if the following will make sense, but I will attempt to comment and reply to several of the people who have so helpfully written to me in this thread.
Rowdy, my most recent therapist was an expert in narcissism. We had almost 50 sessions together, and he was absolutely certain that I was not a narcissist. It didn’t take him long to come to this conclusion, either. As to contact with other women, nothing is acceptable. I have to avoid even looking in their direction. Eye contact is almost adultery to her. I receive countless ragebait Facebook reels on cheating and cheaters from her every day.  If I am autistic, I think it’s in subtle social cues and below average eye contact. On the subject of projection, I think a high percentage of what she’s shouting at me actually applies more to her than me. It is just mind-boggling frustrating and exasperating.
NotWendy and CC43, you have hit the nail on the head as to why things have gotten worse. During my working years when she was a stay at home mom and taking care of the kids and she was quite occupied. When we retired, we suddenly were together all the time. And we have quite a bit of unstructured leisure time in each day, which she began to fill with rumination on her childhood, marriage, relationships with her family of origin, and then delving deeply into emotional hurts and relational problems. The deeper she went, the deeper down she went emotionally and the worse our relationship got. Aside from gardening, hiking and exercise, she spends almost all of her free time reading about psychology, personality disorders (especially narcissism), intergenerational trauma, and so on. Too much of this type of rumination is bound to lead to depression, anger and sadness. When we retired, we moved far away from where we had raised the children and made many friends.In retirement, we became somewhat isolated, and she had no one to unload on except for me.
SuperDaddy, I have not had time to look at your links and videos yet, but will. I do believe she gets some sort of a high though, from pouring out her rage on me. Ironically, she accuses me of feeling pleasure when she is really upset. I cannot convince her otherwise. I am very conflict averse and codependent. Her moods really affect me strongly. My stress level is very high, and I have a very hard time getting a good nights’ sleep, tossing and turning and lying awake for a long periods of time, wondering and worrying.
CC43, do you have a menu for self-care, and if so, I’d love to see it. In bullet points here are mine, in no particular order: 1. EFT tapping, 2. 4-7-8 breathing, 3. Five senses grounding, 4. Mindful meditation (feeling, naming, not judging.), 5. Hypnosis recordings, 6. Mindful self compassion recordings, 7. Guided meditation recordings, 8. Journaling (feelings/thoughts dump), 9. Read recovery literature: ACOA, Alanon, CODA.        These things all help a little, but it feels like bringing a squirt gun to a gun fight. Anyone who has other suggestions?
At Bay, thank you for telling your story. I didn’t clearly extract what helped you or what advice you could give me, so if you can respond specifically, that would be fantastic.
NotWendy, I love the vomit analogy. It seems so accurate, but it is so painful for both of us to deal with. I’m about 95% sure that I am such a permanent trigger to her now that even when I’ve done nothing wrong I still get blamed and it brings up everything that is hurting her from her entire life. It all gets raged out onto me.I just don’t see how it can ever heal.
PeteWitsend, thanks for the encouragement. I need to become very strong internally and know who I am. I know how important that is, but as you know how difficult it can be to actually practice. One thin silver lining to this raging thunderstorm is all of the personal growth regarding my own self knowledge that I have gotten from this ordeal.
I’ve no doubt forgotten to reply to some of the other items, but that’s about all I can do right now. Thanks again everyone.