I want to add to my post, asking a question.  Has anyone really struggled with setting boundaries? Such as giving financially where you short yourself and the pwbpd overspends, doesn't budget..
I know in my head this is very unhealthy. My heart feels like I'm being cruel if I don't  "help".  I hate that I feel stuck and afraid. 
Has anyone been able to make this change?  And how did you do it?

Hi, I've been gone from here for about 6 months. My swubpd went from broke and suicidal in Oct. to find a very good job. In my fantasy world, that was all he needed to be ok. From what I saw he was managing life well for about 4 months at which time he called in a panic because of mismanaging money. When I say panic I mean frantic, all logic and rational thinking out the window. So, in true form I panic and rescue with rent money.
I've been in therapy since October and I'm finally understanding my son isn't the problem. I don't allow myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of because of his pain. It's my pain at seeing him hurting, scared.... that stops me from setting the boundaries I want to set boundaries and know it's important for his growth and mine. He's 45. He's intelligent and has always had a job or started a career. I love him yet this illness creates such chaos. My husband,  not his biological Dad is at the end of his rope with me letting myself be taken advantage of.  So, I'm here to practice and set boundaries on my money, ridiculously long amounts of time on the phone trying to calm and reason with my son who isn't in a state to do that at that time. He has said a couple weeks ago that he wants therapy.  I'm not sure he's serious,  but the only thing I want to help pay for is good DBT therapy. I'll be reading posts and articles available. Thanks

Sorry, I didn’t mean she’s “great” as a grandma, rather just generationally speaking her grandchildren (my kids) have kids of their own. She has no relationship with any of them; she’s estranged from my oldest child and her kids and my other kids and their families live too far away and keep their distance otherwise. She’s not even connected with them on social media and my kids are not fooled by my mom. My mom is so disconnected from all of them she doesn’t realize how many of grandkids exist - two of my kids each have had another child in recent years and my mom doesn’t know.

Great idea, my husband has a few ways he can commute on the front end of his drive but these incidences mostly happen fairly close to home, within a a few miles and they’re mostly catching him in that range. Sometimes further away though. My mom doesn’t live that far away.

Frankly, she is not a great example as a grandma.  Yes, she may limit her antics and disrespect (most of the time) when with her grandchildren but that does not mean she is a great grandma.  Ponder how you can ensure your children aren't fooled by her pretense.

My maternal grandfather remarried after grandma's death before I was born.  Step-grandma seemed sweet but she was a different person to her husband and my parents.  When I became an adult I was a religious volunteer for many years.  To say I was poor would be an understatement.  One time when I was bringing him to his home he gave me $5 - just the once - and he told me not to tell his wife.  After he passed I remarked to my mother about his single gift to me years before.  Mom replied that she was two-faced, "Her money was her money - she even had to pay taxes on her interest - and his money was their money."  Imagine that he couldn't even share that he gave his grandson $5!  That was not a great step-grandmother in my eyes.

Perhaps your husband can avoid some of their road ambushes by varying his route to and from work?

Yes they do. I think sometimes even more. It's normal aging for people to lose their "filter" as they get older and to say things maybe they wouldn't ordinarily say. However, if they aren't disordered to begin with, these wouldn't be quite as strange.

Someone with BPD can also have behavioral changes related to aging. For my mother, one of them was control. As she became more dependent, she also became more controlling. One of the strangest changes was that she usually was very attentive to her appearance, dressing nicely, hair done. In assisted living, when the aide came to help her bathe, she refused. She was assessed for issues like dementia, depression, none were seen. What I think was going on was a need for control. She was not going to do what the aide wanted to do, sort of a power struggle.

I think if there's a big change in an elderly person's behavior- they would need to be evaluated for possible causes, but sometimes it's just their behavior- and yes, at any age.

This sounds like a difficult situation. Just so you know- this board is for people who are in relationships with someone with BPD, but it doesn't address BPD. Some of the posts could be difficult for someone with BPD to read as people are describing their issues with the BPD partner. If the moderators suggest a different resource for you, it's because that could be a better one for you. But for now, I will look at this from both your situations, and mainly yours since you are the poster.

First, I give you huge credit for your awareness and openess about having BPD and being willing to work on doing better. That is a big positive quality of yours.

The double issue is that both of you have BPD and in general, need a lot of validation. There's nothing wrong with needing that- it's just that he may need a lot. I am the adult daughter of a BPD mother who needed a lot of validation.

Your living situation is concerning as you are dependent on him. Living under the threat of being kicked out if you don't provide your partner with validation is scary. I hope he doesn't make you leave right away, as it would be uncaring, even if he decides that you aren't a romantic partner.

"Not giving enough validation" is not grounds for a restraining order. Still, if it's his place, he may have the right to decide who lives there or not. It's also possible he doesn't follow through with his threat but in the even he might- a short term solution of asking him for more time, may be something to consider, before you are without somewhere to live. If you are not in danger from him, consider asking him for more time to give you time to look at options.

If he insists on you leaving, or you are in danger from his behavior, I think it's reasonable to call a DV hotline immediately and ask for local shelters, as it would be a danger to you to be thrown out immediately or stay in an unsafe place.

Next is long range- how agreeable are you to therapy? Therapy is the best intervention known to help pwBPD. Some DV programs have resources for that, and it's worth calling to see if therapy is available- sometimes it's at a reasonable to low cost. Therapy doesn't mean something is "wrong" with someone. It's an investment in ourselves- to be the best we can be. Many people do it for many reasons.

Your BF may feel he wants more validation from you, but where do you get yours? Note- looking for it from men may feel good in the moment, but real validation doesn't have to come from someone else. It comes from your own sense of self and being able to make choices and know that you matter- and therapy is the path to getting there. I hope you will consider it.

Their/her see through him, not her. He’s aggressive and nasty and she’s sweet and waify on the face of things, the friends assume a lot of things from there about each of them but usually cast her in a positive light because she’s much more careful than her bf is about behavior.

Yep, he’s bizarre and probably always has been so now he’s just grown, old, and outlandish. Weirdos come in all ages, apparently?

Camp's situation is a bit different.  His two children are grown but one has special needs and both parents have his guardianship.  I'm assuming the children are in the house, so if he voluntarily departs then without a further court order in place it would be problematic to return when his son needs his care and attention.  Risks would remain whatever he does.

I would suggest he record whenever his spouse is around.  I separated a couple decades ago when we didn't have smart phones that could record.  I bought several digital voice recorders over the years.  Some were capable of pausing recording if there was silence, so I didn't have to be always turning on & off.

Yes, I was recording her rages on the first time I called the police.  By the time they arrived, she had calmed down a bit but her face was still red and angry.  Still, policy was - as my divorce lawyer told me once I hired one - that in a domestic dispute the man is carted off.  So one officer asked me to hand off my quietly sobbing preschooler (he was in my arms) to his mother and "step away".  My son squawked and clung tighter to me.  After a long pause he said "work it out" and they left.  I look back and say, "My preschooler saved me that day.

I had it recorded but the speaker didn't work.  Once I downloaded it, another officer came and listened, made a report and she was charged with Threat of DV.  After a few months she was ruled not guilty and case dismissed because case law said if she didn't have a weapon in her hands then it wasn't actionable.  However, for those months I was issued protection and given possession of the house.

Most recordings were never needed.  But a few were invaluable.

Your mother's behavior and her BF's behavior are so outlandish, I think people will see through it in time. I think it's good to focus on your own peace with your family. Also, she's chosen quite a character for a BF. Hard to believe a grown man acts like that. Maybe they make a compatible pair.

Why they act like they do, I have no idea. Even with BPD- people are their own individuals.

I think pwBPD have a poor sense of self and tend to mirror the people they are with. Your mother picked quite a guy (sarcasm) and so may be behaving similarly along with him. I can't imagine people not picking up on this in time, unless they too have similar behaviors.

I just kept an emotional distance from people in my mother's circle. They were her people and she needed a support system and friends.  I was OK with that.

I’m going to take your advice and start documenting the bizarre behavior because while I thought I’d never need to take out an RO on my mom (and that awful guy she lives with), it may be necessary if they continue. I work from home four 10’s so my time on the road is limited to predictable but limited days, they’re retired and are on no schedule, my husband commutes about 30min each way.M-F. They seemed to have honed in on him since they know for sure when he commutes.

Her mask slipping in old age is real! A lot of the people we both know and I’m sure others think my mom is so sweet. Saves the stray animals (but doesn’t actually care for them), checks in on the nearby, very elderly neighbor (95+) but because she knows it makes her look good, not because she cares all too much. Always soooo nice when people are paying attention.

Meanwhile I’m exhausted trying to work and get through menopause, my oldest child (adult aged) has mental health issues, I probably don’t look friendly (), and just want to be left alone. I don’t want to convince her friends and neighbors to not believe her (they’ll believe what they want) and mostly just wish it would stop. While also knowing I can wish what I want but it makes no difference.