Hello, I have a question about financial support for young adult therapy. 

We have been paying for our daughter's outpatient therapy for the past 17 months.  When she began she needed IOP therapy, and we were in full support of assisting her as she had just resigned from a job of 2 1/2 years.  At that time, she had lost over twenty pounds in a span of one year, was withdrawn working 24/7 remotely and was beginning to significantly struggle with executive functioning.  We also suspected some marijuana mis-use.  We were struggling to communicate with her because when the conversation went in a direction she did not like, the emotional dysregulation would set in.  She would lash out at me, place blame and dredge up the past.  Most often citing her father as the root of her inability to make decisions (because she'd spent her whole life trying to please her father and wasn't allowed to make choices for herself), her relationship struggles/inability to maintain friendships (her father made her question her reality and shattered her self-esteem) and abandonment (we treated her brother differently because he had ADHD, we spent money on his early education that we did not do for her - she graduated from a public high school then went to a competitive out-of-state college graduating magna cum laude. During the pandemic we chose for her brother to finish his last two years in private school because he was struggling with virtual/hybrid high school). 

Our daughter moved back home in May.  Not employed.  No semblance of a healthy daily schedule.  Seems paralyzed.  One day at 2PM she told me she could a)clean her room or b)do research for 'work' on her computer.  Her room is a disaster.  She rarely eats with us at the dinner table (that is the one meal I prepare for everyone 5 nights a week.  Seems like avoidance.).  When we asked her about her ongoing (virtual) therapy (it has been virtual since she moved home as therapist is in another city) - goals, progress, etc.  She became defensive.  Stated she was in therapy for her father's invalidation, but didn't/couldn't say more.  We expressed that to continue to pay for her weekly therapy sessions we needed to observe greater accountability and forward direction.  It was not sustainable to pay for her to have talk therapy that was not enhancing her mental health and motivation.  Would it be possible to accomplish in two sessions a month what she was currently doing in four?  Did her therapist have any recommendations for other modalities of therapy that might compliment what they were working towards or  to address specific goals?  She has told us we are abandoning her by cutting back on her therapy.  We responded, that we weren't cutting back her therapy, nor abandoning her - That as an adult she could choose to seek as much therapy as needed, but at some point she would need to share the financial responsibility.  In response, her victimization has skyrocketed.  It is truly exhausting not being able to have a rational conversation with our once self-disciplined, responsible young adult.

We sent a very thoughtful email to her therapist.  We explained our observations over the past three months.  We sought her professional opinion.  After two weeks of no response, we sent a follow-up. Crickets.  Most recently our daughter stated that her therapist is worried about her feeling 'unsafe' in our home and defeated by our unwillingness to understand her.  She said it is as if we are choosing not to understand her.  A day later she called from the road and told me she wanted us to research a topic.  She then sent a link to an article on Traumatic Invalidation that came from a therapist she saw on Tik-Tok.  She has also mentioned in heavy discussions that she can no longer 'do this', and that she may have to go no contact.  Our marriage therapist feels we are being reasonable to want to understand what our daughter is working towards in therapy. Especially if we are currently paying for the therapy sessions as well as providing shelter, food at home, a car to drive and cell service.  We haven't paid for clothing, spending money, entertainment, etc since January.  She has been told in January 2027 she will be responsible for her cell phone and insurance.  In April, she becomes responsible for health insurance and medical co-pays.

Thanks for hanging in there with me...

My question is: For those parents who pay for their young adults therapy, do you receive 'progress' reports from the therapist?  Is your young adults therapist responsive to inquiries or parental input?  Has your young adult signed a waiver giving their therapist ability to communicate?  We have asked for the possibility of a joint therapy session to work on healing/repair - should that happen with their therapist or another family therapist? 

We only want our daughter's mental health to be properly treated so she can begin functioning again as an adult who can support themselves and find joy in life.  We don't want to 'control' her.  We don't put a price tag on her mental health, but we have become exhausted by the vicious cycle of entitlement, projecting and blame.  My physical and mental health is at an all time low.  I don't feel capable of being her mother and therapist. 

 

You chose to protect yourself.  Kudos for you.  Since pwBPD resist boundaries, that was you properly setting and implementing a Boundary in response to poor behavior, one of the Tools and Skills we advocate here.

Also, that your other sister was "convinced" to cast you as the evil enemy is probably also due to the repeated pressuring and perhaps intimidation.

Years ago we had a father here with a young daughter whose ex was evidently Histrionic and what he experienced was horrendous.

I am so glad I found this site.  My younger sister is a Cluster B sufferer for sure: BPD, NPD and Histrionic PD.  It has finally dawned on me that despite years of walking on eggshells & trying to prevent rage explosions my youngest sister is actually more unstable & abusive to me as we approach our 60s.  After a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy, I started to step back from her chaotic life about 10 years ago. We live fairly close to each other & still see each other when she is well.  Last year she was becoming more & more verbally abusive to me & after listening to a tirade from her about how "unskilled" I was I very calmly said to her "I don't like how you are talking to me right now. Let's take a pause". She exploded into a volcanic rage, the intensity of which I have never seen before.  At that moment I knew I had to remove myself indefinitely from her presence.  It has been a year of no contact during which time she has convinced our other sister that I am the evil enemy.  This sister has now cancelled me.  So I have now lost both of them.  I am in therapy! 

Like so much else in life, learning is a process, not an event.  One step back hurts, but it's not too bad as long as we're also making two steps forward.

I've been using MS Windows and I apparently have their dictionary included since it works on both Google Chrome and Mozilla FireFox.  FireFox also has that too as well as AutoCorrect in the optional extensions.

Hi,

I can relate to the seesaw of emotions.  On the one hand, rationally I know that the latest lashing out is a reflection of the pwBPD's stress level.  I genuinely feel sorry for all her pain and feelings of inferiority/alienation/discontent/jealousy.  Her thinking seems extremely distorted--all she sees are faults and grievances, kicking her emotions into overdrive at the slightest "provocation."  It must be exhausting for her to live with such a negative mindset all the time.  And yet, on the other hand, I feel it is NO EXCUSE for her to be so mean, especially towards the very people who have gone above and beyond to be understanding, patient and supportive.  Just because she's in distress doesn't give her the right to inflict pain on family members for years on end, and it shouldn't be the foundation for the relationship.  You need to recognize that it's not your role to be your sibling's punching bag, because you don't deserve it, and it won't make your sibling feel any better anyway!

I'd say, just delete the message like spam, hang up or leave the room.  Let your sibling work out her ill feelings by herself or with a therapist.  If she can't be civil, then you leave her alone.

One of my lightbulb moments was when I uttered once, "There's nothing I can say to make it better."    It's true.  Deep down, I think even the pwBPD would agree with that.  They don't want an explanation or an apology; they don't want to understand context or perspective; they don't seek resolution or compromise; they don't want to learn from the situation; they don't want a mutual commitment to do better; they don't want a promise that the future will look brighter.  They want to be upset and to lash out, while blaming or disparaging others, in a futile attempt to make themselves feel better through someone else's pain.  In fact, I think they know full well that they're acting like total jerks, it's just they can't control it, not when they're riled up.  It's not your job to control your sibling's emotions.

Thanks for sharing your uplifting story.

Thank you, Peace.

I say all of the time i only want peace. And that my kids are happy, healthy, and generally okay.

But I don’t need much. Peace is a luxury at this point.

For years he’s been overcautious, security obsessed.  We live in a nice town with very little crime but he is vigilant. When we went through a similar patch a few years ago, he started leaving and not locking the door when he left, sometimes just leaving it wide open. I would get out of the shower and it would be wide open. I read about an auto lock you can lock from your phone and installed that. It alerted when the door was opened and just tracks if it gets locked and whether manual or through the app. It is still on to this day and i lock it all the time (it’s on the deadbolt).  It irritated him at the time but we don't talk about it anymore.

In addition to the dishes — which may also seem childish on my side, but it didn't start intentional and when he saw my sweep missed it that day, he didn't decide he would walk it to the kitchen (at least — let alone put it in the dishwasher), he just added more, and more than usual.  At that point it was just an attack. It was never, hey she has a lot going on so let me just grab MY glass and bring it in. But then it was garbage and chewed on fruit pits and sticking stickers on other things (dishes, counters, hardwood floors).  All I was doing was giving him an adult time out for his childish behavior and maintaining self respect.

But back to “safety”, we have a lot of windows and one room is near floor to ceiling in 3 sides and where I spend most of my time and we do when he is home. He always opens the curtains. I open some but he does more. But then he either gets annoyed with the neighbors about something. Sometimes a comment and sometimes walking between rooms and commenting in something bugging him. BUT we eat at a table in that room and he kind of freaks out when we do that people can see us so he closes the curtains. Even during the day when I don't  think anyone really could. 

So now with the dishes when i didn't react, he started leaving the curtains wide open all night. I don't sleep well (stress) so get up and go to that room so it was his way of trying to make me unsettled. I close the curtains until the sun comes up and the open them again. Childish games.  I don't want to play but I am living it.

He came home at 2 yesterday, plopped in front of tv.  I work til 5 (at home) and then made dinner, ate with the kids. I don't invite him but make enough for him and leave for him. For the record, he doesn't need an invitation.

It was like 7-7:30 when i was finished with everything, he was watching crime stuff on tv (which i don't always mind watching but didn't feel up for more stress but also not really interested in spending time with him right now), so I headed to do a load of laundry and watch tv in bed. I got to bed 8 or 9 anyway.

He came to the bedroom and asked how long I planned to not talk to him.  I said something like, I'm tired and not really up for a long conversation. He said I was always tired (hello, work, stress). 

I’m not sure exactly how the conversation started, but basically it was that he thought I should clean up after him bc I do after the kids (he said everyone else). The kids sometimes leave their things in the kitchen. Mostly my son who is early teen. Their messes are not disrespectful (chewed on food, stickers stuck on things that must be peeled off).  If they have anything outside the kitchen, they bring it in and if they don’t, I ask them to (and then help them if they can’t figure out if the dw is clean or dirty). 

I told him I would respond if he let me speak (he cuts me off and talks over me a lot). He said he would but made it like 4 words and then jumped on top of what I was saying. Why didn't I clean up his stuff.  I said I am neither your mother nor your maid and you are capable of cleaning up. He said he isn't my father and yet he pays for everything, shops (meat from a local butcher) and does his laundry (for the last 5 years of over 30 from the last major meltdown — there are daily and weekly but these are much bigger). Then he asked what I did and I said I take care of his kids, the household.  I said his kids only bc they are his, too, and I was trying to make the point that this should mean something to him (it does to me when he helps the kids). I could see this was going to go around and around and I couldn't do this or any other circular conversations, I’m tired and then I put my headphones in. He yells i bought you those headphones, the kids aren't supposed to be mine (his) and storms out.

I watch tv for a while and then go to sleep. When i get up, the curtains are all wide open again. I close them til the sun comes up. He runs out the door this morning and slams the front door and takes off. I suspect he is going to visit our oldest but theres no money really in the account so he wont get far. But maybe far enough before he realizes. Idk.

I wasn’t expecting a relaxing weekend but was hoping for some peace.

I usually don't get pulled into games — usually it is strictly verbal assaults or rage texts with some crazy things. But by choosing to not engage in that, i instead get pulled into this behavior. Is there a normal-ish place to even exist?

Welcome views from above bc you cant always see clearly in the middle.

Also please forgive typos…I'm so used to autocorrect and it doesn't seem to exist here.  Ive tried to catch where i can but I’m sure I've missed a few!

Thanks for reading and in advance for any replies!

Sorry you’re going through this. It makes sense that you’re stressed and afraid. AND you will be ok 

About the dishes: I really relate to not wanting to be a doormat. At the same time, you can’t out-childish a person with bpd. They’re the best at this and you can’t hope reason will win the day. I often make these mistakes. Just did yesterday in fact. I think it comes back to accepting that your options are what they are.

I’d really love some specific commentary on the 10-day dirty dish escapade and withholding paychecks (its not a second life, but either embarrassment from delay of funds or manipulation to make me unsettled, likely a combination).

Although I think mostly pointless, is there a way to navigate. Ive told him I worry about finances, prefer to work on bills on the weekend when I have time.  It may start with alignment but then seems to become the thing he messes with to get me feeling unsettled.

It’s not the only thing like this,  but maybe the easiest to explain.