As I saw this video, I could not stop thinking that when trying to make my relationship work, I'm attempting the perfect shot, just like John Rahm did:

The best golf shot ever?

We struggle to make things work when our partner's brain is wired to make things break. They just want to put themselves in an emergency situation so that they can stimulate their EOS (endogenous opioid system), but they never figure out that this is what they are doing. It feels like trying to push someone to go north while they just want to go south.

Do you feel the same?

Hi Onda.

I hate to state the obvious, but the easiest path forward would be for you to find your own home.  You mentioned finance problems so that may not be possible at the moment, but are there any other relatives you could stay with for a few weeks?  That would at least give you some time to reset and asses what your next steps are to find work and a stable living environment.

I agree with Dad on that one.  The way I see it, BPD basically manifests as low (stunted?) emotional intelligence.  The key skills of EQ involve self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness (empathy) and relationship management.  When the pwBPD in my life faces stress or disappointment, she shows a low EQ; sometimes she seems to "regress" to the level of a young teen in her reactions.  I see a strong sense of entitlement, demandingness, impatience, distress intolerance, a need to be the center of attention.  She thinks that life is unfair because she doesn't have whatever she wants.  She's all take and no give.  She doesn't have grit--that ability to "push through" discomfort and rebound from setbacks to pursue important goals.  She blames others for her own decisions and seems to refuse to take responsibility for her own life.  She has trouble calming herself down and tends to blow up important relationships the second she feels aggrieved.  She'll basically throw tantrums, either in person or over text, and never, ever apologize.  Sometimes it feels outrageous, like a five-year-old calling me a poo-poo face because they didn't get their favorite blue cup.  Ask her to clean her room because company is coming over?  Meltdown.  Say Good Morning?  Meltdown.  Stay quiet because she's in a bad mood?  Meltdown because I'm ignoring her.  Sigh as I bend over?  She thinks I'm being hostile.  I'm not talking about an occasional bad mood, bad day or testiness when feeling hungry or tuckered out.  It's pervasive, and it seems to get worse without therapy.  I think it looks progressively worse because she's a full adult but hasn't outgrown her childish reactions.  She's walking around in an adult's body with an adult's pocketbook and adult powers to make big decisions, and she might even have a high IQ, but she only has the emotional skills of a young teen.  No wonder she struggles so much.  As the years pass, she finds herself friendless, living in a mess, not able to support herself and hating everyone, and she's taking it out on whomever is still in her orbit.

And then the semi-delusional part of BPD kicks in.  Like Dad wrote, her thoughts and feelings aren't entirely connected to facts.  When her emotions kick in, they override the logical part of her brain.  Oftentimes she'll twist facts in her mind to support her narrative that she's a victim.  She'll think, you must of abused her growing up, because feels traumatized and she's a complete mess today--it's all your fault!  That time you disciplined her--you hurt her, you never cared, you always hated her!  She's so consumed by these thoughts that she can't concentrate on anything else.  She might rely on self-medication to cope.

Sometimes I think a low EQ is reflective of feeling traumatized all the time.  When in a "traumatized" state, she is primed to respond with a fight or flight reaction, even in everyday situations.  The "fight" is easy to see:  shouting, accusing you of being horrible, maybe slamming doors or throwing things around, sending nasty texts.  The "flight" reaction I see all the time is storming off, cutting off communication and holing up in a bedroom for extended periods.  The pwBPD in my life is more of the passive type, using avoidance as a general coping strategy, plus passive-aggressive behaviors.  Alas, what happens is that she has stayed on the sidelines of her life for so long (in the name of avoiding stress and "toxic" people) that she's missed out on a lot of experiences, and she feels "behind" her siblings and peers. 

Does that sound about right?

What are the plans for DBT? Will you be participating, doing  workbook?

Read it and absorb it...I struggled for so long to accept it as well.  I thought for sure I could fix my kid; I'm intelligent and motivated.  Surely I can solve BPD, right?

But we can't, this isn't just about relationship.  It really is not our faults.  The best thing we can do is let our BPDs lives get tough enough to the point they see therapy and hard work to change as a possible option.  Then things can happen, then we can be helpful and supportive.

Your job right now is to love and support from a distance.  You can't be in the middle of the storm with your son.  That also leads to mental illness (depression, anxiety, etc).  That's no good for you and it's no good for him either. 

So let him live his life, let him make mistakes.  If he's in trouble, dial 9-1-1 to send help.  If he wants to talk it out, talk until your heart's content...but make it clear that you can't do the abuse anymore.  Make "me statements", like, "I don't want to argue with you, this is breaking my heart and I am struggling."  They can understand that much better than blame or arguing.

God bless you.  This is a process and it's an ugly one.  But you will get through it!

Here's some historical background.  Decades ago Borderline PD was considered untreatable and therefore not covered by insurance.  So when a professional came across a patient with suspected BPD, they would diagnose Bipolar since it had similar symptoms yet did have insurance coverage.  However, they really are different.

Bipolar is caused by a chemical imbalance and meds do help.  But Borderline PD is more of an emotional dysregulation issue where the person's perceptions are self-oriented and often unconnected to facts and reality overall.  While meds do help moderate the behavior, the best approach involves therapy.  Dialectical or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) is effective but it can take years to improve life and even that depends upon the patients continuing therapy and diligently applying it in life and perceptions.

Since many with BPD are in such Denial and prone to Blame Shifting that even mention of a diagnostic label is generally best to be avoided.  Many therapists are known to provide therapy without naming a specific condition or therapy.  It would be wise of us to do similarly.

The above is good general advice whatever the situation.  In my case, though my ex was never diagnosed to my knowledge nor had therapy, again to my knowledge, she frequently ranted and raged.  As a spouse and then an ex-spouse, I had real fears that anything I said would end up being used against me in family court where we had years of parenting conflict and allegations against me.  So I quickly learned I could not risk apologizing for the allegations spewed in my direction or it might be used against me in a legal scenario.  I did not want to risk even a day in jail.

So far as I am aware, apologizing for a person's hurt feelings is permissible since I've never heard of anyone being found guilty in family court of hurting feelings.  The other may still be disgruntled but that's not in our power, especially since they're adults after all.

Hi mitochondrium ,

She will leave on Sunday.

In this other thread, I was trying to convince her to move out to her mom's house. Finally, it seems to be happening. She has packed her clothes already.

She only agreed because as soon as I moved out, she would have to move out also because this is a rented place and she can't pay for it. So she would eventually be removed by the owner, using police if needed. As soon as she acknowledged what she would have to deal with by staying, she finally decided to cooperate. She then also realized two other undesired consequences would be that I would go to a smaller place and that we would not be able to come back to our current home, which is very good.

Things have been very calm since she agreed, because she now wants my cooperation as well. She has asked me to not bring another woman into my life and has asked many times how long this will last, because she wants to return. I told her I don't know and that would depend on her progress after she starts DBT. For her mother, she lied, saying that she is leaving because she is angry at me and doesn't want to do something terrible with me.

But in reality her behavior has changed overnight and is now almost perfect. She is being lovely, with just a few quick anger outbursts that didn't take more than one minute and didn't escalate. Hasn't been digging into drama.

I'll do all of my best to keep her in this mood and motivated, while also trying to avoid everything that went wrong the last time. The worst problem was her food sensitivities, which I'm figuring out better now. She has non-celiac gluten sensitivity, but not for bread that has gone through 24h natural fermentation (we learned this yesterday).

This night will be special, because I'll cuddle with her. I want her to feel loved as she leaves. I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned, as she did the last time we went through this (two years ago).

The short answer is it sounds like a lot here is BPD (or CPTSD or anxiety, depending on which therapist diagnoses her).

You say you're sensitive and were married 12 years? Did you see any other behavior prior that hinted at this?

In terms of whether you contributed, did you do anything in the past 12 years you felt guilty for doing? If so, then think on that more. Why do you feel guilty? Is it because you did something or merely because she felt bad?

If you can't think of anything, then why would you think so now? 

Two things about that: 1) Women, in particular, with BPD are excellent at manipulation, whether they're conscious of it or not. Much of everything they do is an act, and that act is designed to get what they want and to fool you into giving it to them. When the manipulation doesn't work -- when they don't get what they want -- the mask comes off. When it does, it can be followed by rage, retribution, and hallucination. All of that is potential for disaster, especially if they make false accusations that they might actually believe.

You should talk to a professional. But from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you really did anything wrong. If so, that's pretty much SOP for the victim of someone who is with someone with BPD. That is, you try sincerely to have a relationship with someone who has profound mental and emotional problems, thinking that you can approach that relationship like one with a healthy person. You can't. And the truth is you can't really plan for treating them as being mentally and emotionally ill, either. In other words, they're like a bomb with a timer only you can't see the clock. There's no knowing when they will go off, and there's not much you can do to stop it, if anything.

So, think earnestly about what you did or didn't do, but don't dwell and don't fool yourself into thinking you didn't something wrong when you didn't. Be honest. And then move on, hopefully with the help of a therapist.

Hi there Onda,

You've come to the right place.  I'm sorry that things have been so rough for you.  Many parents here feel some mix of grief, exhaustion, resentment, fear and stress.  The stress is physical, emotional and financial--a triple whammy.  When living with someone with untreated BPD, it indeed can feel like walking on eggshells all the time, and we become a shell of our former selves.  We're living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, and we can't quite see through it.

First off, this is not your fault.  You didn't give your daughter BPD, no matter how much she blames you and how hard she tries to convince you otherwise.  She's just blaming you as an excuse, as a deflection from taking responsibility for herself.  She has a victim attitude, correct?  I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter powerless over her own life.  She's so busy blaming others (especially you) for all her problems that she can't see that SHE is RESPONSIBLE for her own life and her own happiness.  Not you, not her troubled childhood.  Unfortunately, she's stuck in a rut because she expects everyone else to change, not herself.  Like you wrote, her expectations of others are unrealistic, impossible to meet, and so your daughter is constantly disappointed, constantly enraged, constantly ruminating in a messy pit of self-pity.

It's bad enough that your daughter sits around all day doing nothing but smoke.  But it's worse when she's a "spoiler" of happy moments like holidays and family get-togethers.  It's typical for pwBPD to have meltdowns during holidays and special events.  I think it's because she can't stand to see other people be happy, because it's in stark contrast to her own misery.  In addition, she can't stand not being the center of attention.  Finally, she's insanely jealous, especially of siblings, because they seem to have such an easy time "adulting," while she struggles so much.  Seeing them is a reminder of how dysfunctional her own life really is.

So what do you do?  First off, I think you focus on self-care.  Maybe you get some therapy.  Maybe you try to get some sleep.  Maybe you take walks in fresh air.  Maybe you pray.  Maybe you pursue a tranquil hobby like drawing, singing or playing an instrument.  Maybe you start the day stretching, followed by a hot cup of coffee.  When I'm really stressed, I'll take a warm bath at the end of the day by candlelight, and then I read a little bit before going to bed early.

It's interesting that you're living at your daughter's place.  That means at some point, you might decide to leave.  To me that sounds a lot easier than asking your daughter to leave your own home.  It also sounds to me that living in close quarters with your daughter every day isn't doing you any good.  Could you find some other living arrangement?  Perhaps you could live temporarily with another of your children until you get back on your feet.

Look, your daughter is 43.  You aren't responsible for her anymore, she is.  It sounds to me like her current situation is working for her:  she does exactly what she wants, which is smoke and sit around all day.  She doesn't care about cleaning up--only you care.  Would it be so bad if she were left alone to live how she pleases?  If you weren't on top of each other all day, would that work better for you?  I know you want her to get some help so that your daughter can feel better, but your daughter is demonstrating that the status quo works just fine for her.  I guess I'd say, respect her choice.  But you shouldn't have to be her maid and cook anymore.  She's perfectly capable of cleaning up and getting food herself, correct?  I think you should stop doing things for her that she can do herself, otherwise you are actually enabling dysfunction.

In the meantime, you might try some boundaries.  One might be that when your daughter talks about an abusive childhood, your response is not to engage with her.  You might say:  We can't change the past, let's talk about something else.  If she doesn't change the subject, you leave the room.

You might read on this site some thoughts about validation.  The general tip is to validate feelings (I'm sorry you feel bullied), but not lies.  If you validate lies or apologize for things which didn't happen, the pwBPD can take that as an invitation to act out and blame you even more.  In my own experience, the pwBPD in my family had a tendency to "test" stories of abuse which were egregious lies.  I think in that particular instance, it was better to nip it in the bud:  "That didn't happen and you know it."

Finally, I think you deserve to have a life.  You shouldn't beat yourself up too much about the past--it sounds like you've been beaten down enough already.  You probably did your best with the skills and resources you had at the time, with circumstances that probably weren't in your favor.  I would hope you give yourself a little grace.  You could start by forgiving yourself and your daughter.  Tomorrow is a new day, try to make it a good one.  What's one baby step that you can take which would make tomorrow a good day?  Write it down tonight, and be sure to do it tomorrow.

I hope that perspective helps a little.