If I had to guess, maybe your mom wanted peace just as much as everyone else.  But between mental illness and bitterness, it just wasn't possible for her to see a path to reconcile.  Decades of fear, guilt, and shame are a pretty hard thing for people to shake in any circumstance.  Throw in mental illness and it's almost impossible.

I agree that reaching out and extending an olive branch may lead to additional conflict.  What's there to lose though?  At best it helps and people heal.  At worst it does nothing...and you lose nothing because it's exactly the same as it has been.

My ex and I were together for 7 years. We are long distance but not inaccessible to each other (countries next to each other). We’re both in our mid twenties. She is usually very loving and affectionate, and quite anxious when we argued about small things that I would end the relationship, which I always reassured he I wouldn’t do unless she did something very bad (cheating, violence and so on). She has quiet BPD, ADHD, and FA attachment, she is high functioning, intelligent and has always been kind and loving to me outside of brief episodes where she’d get angry about something or the other, I always managed to calm her down. We talked everyday.

In mid-March she loosened a boundary we had on going to therapy (she previously had said we both couldn’t go as she feared a therapist would tell me to end the relationship with her).

Immediately after that she asked if we could go on a break so she could sort her life out (she’s currently in her first year of nursing at university, which she’s doing to secure a good job to move to me) and struggling. Initially I declined out of fear that we’d grow apart and told her that if she wasn’t 100% sure about the relationship then she should leave. She said she didn’t want to leave me and wanted us to be together forever. But upon reflecting and taking the advice of my friends I conceded a short 4 day break.

During those days I struggled very badly with my anxiety and was trying very hard to distract myself through socialising and new hobbies, which I posted on my social media, she remained silent but was watching everything I would post. One of the last posts I made was a photograph of her saying “I miss and love this girl so much”. Which she again, watched and didn’t respond to.

Upon the break ending she immediately texted a prewritten message saying that she was grateful for the relationship and me and loved me but it would be better if we ended, citing arguments, feeling trapped by boundaries (I implemented the boundary that we wouldn’t sleep at single people of the opposite genders houses), mental health, lack of affection and distance but did mention that she would remember me and that she was appreciative for all I’d done for her.

I immediately wrote back saying that we can talk about and fix said issues, telling her that every relationship has some arguments, that we could discuss our boundaries, that I would be more affectionate and that I didn’t know it was an issue and that if she felt distance was an issue, I’d move to her country if she no longer wanted to move here. I also said I felt blindsided as she hadn’t discussed anything with me beforehand, just sprung them up during the breakup.

She acknowledged that she had blindsided me and apologised for it but revealed she was high (first time since we started dating) and that she had nothing else to say, she was very detached sounding during this call. I continued to try to salvage/fix it, offering up solutions, but she was incredibly icy, cold, robotic, unemotional and blunt just repeating that she was “done” and that she “couldn’t” when I asked for an opportunity to resolve things.

I continued pleading to her for 2 days, during which she only reiterated that she was done and that she couldn’t, I even highlighted the rapid turnaround from her pushing for an engagement in January to her being done in March and she just robotically said “I used to want that”.

After those 2 days she began ghosting me. I sent an email with offers to resolve things, breaking down all the issues she mentioned logically, and an acknowledgement of my faults alongside evidence of tickets to come see her.

I received no response, so just over a week later I sent a text telling her I would cancel the tickets to not break any boundaries or cause her stress/to feel pressure, that I loved her, but would give her the space she wanted.

She kept me on all socials, she initially posted some content of her partying and stuff and followed some of her male coworkers.

After a month of the breakup I decided to start posting again, so I posted a new dog I had fostered, she watched and ignored it. Then yesterday I posted a new cat I had adopted, she watched but immediately but it may have triggered her, because she went scorched earth and within minutes, unfollowed (but not blocked) me on all socials and games we played and may have possibly blocked my number.

As of today it’s been 4 and a half weeks since the breakup, a month since she went no contact and 3 weeks since I went no contact. My birthday is coming up next week.

I love this girl a lot and I believe(d?) she loves me too, I think that the 4 day break might’ve led to her feeling I was going to abandon her or end the relationship, so she jumped the gun on it and rationalised it after with the things she brought up and was unwilling to let me resolve. We had plans about engagement, living together and so on, which she seemed very eager about when we’d discuss them and plan things.

I’m doing my best to remain NC, because I don’t want to just hound her, and want to give her a chance to “cool off”

But I am just wondering if there’s anything else I could possibly do to save the relationship?

I’ve read up about cycles, splitting, detachment, the freeze response, fear of engulfment, avoidant protector mode and so on but it’s just really confusing because of all the overlap and I’m not sure what applies to her and what doesn’t.

I already had a breakdown from this during the immediate breakup, but have managed to pull myself back together and kept my life moving.

What are the odds she comes back and what sort of timeline would you think is applicable in my case? I’d appreciate any insight or advice, this is the first and only time we’ve broken up.

Thank you.

I agree with this in theory, and I did just that. However, when a family is disordered, and isn't pulled together even in good times, they may not be able to do this in stressful times.

Having a "normal" family was a wish since childhood, but good intentions were not enough to make it so. I had put the past behind me but BPD mother's behaviors were in the present.

I agree that times of family stress are not the time to bring up past grievances or try to get them to fix things that happened. Also be aware of the possibility of unexpected behaviors on the part of disordered family members when you reconnect, and make plans to protect your own emotional well being.

Yeah, it's so incredibly tough and this is all still so fresh for you.  I definitely remember your story from last year and I hoped that your absence meant things were working out.  I'm so sorry things took a turn.

Just give this time.  In a few weeks, you'll have a different outlook entirely.  In a few months, you'll see things different once again.  Right now, you need to heal emotionally and that's always the #1 thing in these types of situations.  The relationship part will work itself out in time (one way or the other).

Hi Pook

this is the second time we have broken up, I was on here a lot about a year ago. im not sure if I you can remember but she left out of nowhere and ran to London and kept me on the hook for 3 months and then we were in no contact for 3 months after that and then I reached out and we got back together.

this is when I learned about bpd and I have tried a great deal to implement what I learned.

what I have come to realise is that to make it work I cant ever share anything that brings her shame. and basically would need to shrink myself to keep the relationship.

I have no idea what I want. I know I cant really go back to her as this is now physically dangerous for me and went al emotionally. but I do want things to somehow work. I really do admire the angel inside of her. but that demon os also there and its scary

If it makes you feel any better, she might reach out eventually and you can have a final conversation (or try to reconnect).  The time apart is almost certainly good though because it's an abrupt change in her life and she has to now face her decisions.  Maybe she does feel like a victim, that's common with BPD, but the police saw it differently and a part of her will know deep down that she crossed a line that should never be crossed.

Like you said, there's no long-term charges so there's nothing stopping her from reaching out.  She could be scared to right now for fear that she'd get arrested again.  That's probably a good thing too.

My question is- what are you doing with this time to recenter and take care of you?  Whether you rekindle the relationship or not, you must get a better handle on what happened so you're more prepared for the future.  What could you have done differently (walk away, change the topic, try to calm her down, etc)?  Use this time to reflect and learn from what happened.  If it's meant to be down the road, then you'll get there and be better equipped for it.

Thanks so much for the support guys. we are in the uk. from a legal standpoint there is no ongoing court case I dropped the charges. the police said it was clearly me that was the victim, I was worried about that with me being male and a lot older than her.

I sent a closure message and wished her well but made it clear it was over 2 days after the incident. It was not replied to but she was ordered not to contact me and I in hindsight maybe shouldn't have sent that message.

my issue now is that I cant seem to stop worrying about her. I do love and care about her and I know it was because of her condition, I know I shouldn't think this way but I feel addicted and so so sad. I care for her a great deal.

Hi Shameus and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's always extra heartbreaking when a young child is involved.  Hopefully you find the tools and resources to work through this together.

My ex wife and my oldest daughter both have BPD, and they're both in the healthcare fields helping others with long-term sickness or disabilities. I don't think that's a coincidence that people who struggle mentally want to help others who struggle as well.  In fact, in some ways I think it becomes a core of their identity because it's a healthy outlet to make up for their own struggles.

What parts of the relationship are you currently struggling with the most?  How can we help you prepare for the months ahead?

It might be a good time to review what we call the FOG of BPD... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Guilt is hitting you hard right now.  What I shoulda, coulda...  What's done is done.  It's in the past, can't be changed, the key is what you are determined you will do - or not do - going forward.

Do you owe her an apology?  Is one deserved, considering how you yourself were attacked first?  Since you are to have no contact with her and the relationship appears ended, contacting her to offer an apology or remorse doesn't seem possible or even unwise.  After all, the court instructed her not to contact you and in order for her not to violate the court's instructions then you likewise mustn't contact her... even if you feel you need to "clear the air" or seek closure.  (When dealing with BPD relationships, closure is generally not possible.  Likely you will have to Gift yourself the Closure you seek.)

Ponder this:  This is more about how you view yourself.  You now know what it takes to drive you to react and defend yourself.  Just avoid any future scenarios where that can be allowed to occur again.

Now a legal aspect.  My lawyer told me his first task when hired after a domestic dispute was to SIT on his client.  Why?  (1) You have no obligation to confess anything, that's your 5th Amendment right not to incriminate yourself.  (2) Anything you say might make your lawyer's efforts to help you be much harder to accomplish - and trigger even bigger lawyer bills.

So if you feel that you must apologize, what can you say?  How about limiting any apologies to how you hurt her feelings.  Last I heard, courts in most countries won't find you guilty of hurting feelings.

We are coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary and we share a 3 year old son.  She is a License Marriage and Family Therapist, which makes things much more difficult.  We worked together at a residential therapy center for mostly borderline personality disorder teenagers.  It has only recently been made clear to me after talking to my psychiatrist who has a strong background in BDP that my wife has it.  At this moment she is in a DBT group as well as DBT solo treatment, but hasn’t told me what her diagnosis is.  I am afraid to ask as well as not believe she will tell the truth.  A few months ago she had a breakdown and was sent to the Emergency Department then an inpatient facility and was shortly released as not longer a danger to her self.  She said she looked up a way to kill herself which was detailed.  Her family was helpful in taking her to the emergency room, but she was not truthful to the staff and I had to step in to speak with the medical staff.  This incident has been a catalyst that this isn’t a PMDD, ADHD, Interstitial Cystitis, Diet and the list goes on.  I am a person with low self esteem, learning disability and I guess recently realizing growing up role of peacemaker.  She is primary income and I am the primary care giver who for the past few months was able to find work that allowed me to still take care of our son.  This still comes with heavy ridicule from my wife, because I have new self worth and higher self esteem.  I deal with a lot of changing of goal posts and being trapped to take care of our son, because she makes up an excuse not to.  I do worry that she will lash out on our son if I were not there.  I have recently held a boundary and when she became verbally abusive and not respecting my boundary, I took a 30 minute walk, because she blocked the driveway physically for me to leave with my car.  This is the first time I did this and it felt good.  I was scared that it would escalate more or that she might harm our son.  When I came back she was calm, but blamed it on her taking adderall, which one she is supposed to tell me and second I am not sure I believe her that she did.  Our son was safe and being taken care of.  That night I was exhausted, but had one of the most sound sleeps that I hadn’t had in a long time.  I meet with my therapist tomorrow and how to further deal with her disease, but I am afraid it might not be able to be sustained and I am heart broken because I would of liked to have had more children.  Being a dad has been one of those moments when I knew I was great at something.  I am having a difficult time as I read that a lot of you are.  All the best.