How do you think this would play out if you were still living with both of them and the pressure/expectation was naturally much higher? I guess it's impossible to really know since this isn't the current reality, but what is your guess?
I think this is an important point. BPD affects the most intimate relationships the most, so the dynamics would be more with the intimate partner and immediate family. Living all together in one home would increase the face to face contact between family members. It also affects the partner and family members in that it is harder to maintain boundaries under pressure when in th the same space.
I agree with the concept of "not fighting back" during a verbal accusation. In the moment, the pwBPD believes this and to try to defend onself raises the drama. If it does no good, then there's no point in doing this. The techniques such as JADE can help bring the drama down. If one can sincerely say "I love you and I'm here for you" in the moment, that possibly works too but I think only if one can sincerely mean it as it would be hard to have that come across if one didn't.
I think everyone would wish to be seen as "good" by their partner or family member, but sometimes this role can land on the Karpman triangle. Also, since we can not change someone's thinking, someone can be split- good or bad, according to how the pwBPD feels in the moment, and isn't about something another person can do or say.
In my own situation, knowing I could be split as either in the good position or the persecutor one, I didn't consider this outcome as any measure of me. I could visit and do things for BPD mother and she might still find something to not be pleased with. I had to stay firm in knowing that- however she responded didn't change the intent or action on my part.
BPD mother could be nicer and more "normal" with people who are not as close to her, because, she also had the closer family members with whom she did act out more. Someone could be in "good" position, when someone or something else was in persecutor position.
Being in good position is helpful in that there's some leverage there if the pwBPD needs help with something. My BPD mother's extended family was in "good position". BPD mother was more likely to be receptive to their advice than mine.
I also was able to hold boundaries better than my father and recognized that he lived with her, and I didn't. So I do believe proximity makes a difference for both people.
In my situation, I don't think I got into many arguments with BPD mother or "fought back". As kids, we weren't allowed to do that. I also at some point decided it was useless. I did yell at her one time, during my father's illness when I was stressed over the situation, and seeing her reaction- I just didn't want to do that again.


