I realise how crazy this all sounds, but we really do have a real connection, she has my name tattooed on her and I wore her an entire book. when its good its very very good

Il give a full context of the relationship so far.

I was in a 5-year on/off relationship with a woman who I believe quiet BPD.. The relationship was extremely intense. both emotionally and physically. When it was good, it was the best I’ve ever experienced. When it was bad, it was genuinely damaging.

We broke up once before earlier last year. That breakup was messy but not violent. She moved away, we went long distance, and for about 3 months she was very cold, avoidant, and I now know she was talking to other men and not being honest with me. Eventually she ghosted me completely.

I reached back out after a 6 week long period of no contact, and slowly we re-established communication. It was very light at first, practical messages, then a bit of warmth. I didn’t push too hard. Eventually I sent her something quite meaningful (a book I wrote about us, and that triggered a full emotional reconnection. She came back strongly, said she loved me, and we got back together.

When we got back together, things felt amazing again at first. Very loving, very connected, very intense. But the underlying issues never really went away.

There were a few major problems:

I always had a gut feeling something wasn’t right, especially around her interactions with other men (including her boss).

She was very good at explaining things in a way that made me doubt myself

There were periods of intense love, followed by distance, coldness, or strange behaviour

My anxiety got worse over time, especially at night. I started getting mini panic attacks just as I was falling asleep

The biggest rupture before the end was when I saw her phone. It confirmed a lot of my suspicions, she had been talking to other men, saying things about me that weren’t true, and generally not being honest. That completely broke my trust.

Despite that, I stayed. The next 5 months were honestly torture. I loved her deeply, but I didn’t know what was real anymore. She could be incredibly loving and sweet, but I had this constant confusion in my head.

Then everything escalated recently.

We had an argument after I had been drinking and I brought up something that made her jealous. It spiralled quickly. She became physical first (hit me), and I reacted badly. I grabbed her by the throat (not choking, but enough to scare her), called her names, and threw her to the ground. I left the house straight after because I didn’t like what was happening and I didn’t trust myself in that moment.

She texted me saying she wanted to love in my house for 2 moths without me interfering and because of how badly I treat her I should allow that. she also said I strangled her first which was a lie and thats why she hit me but im 100% certain that was not the case, I was sitting on the sofa and she was standing up when the attack began. she said also in the text she was scared of me. which is insane ive never ever dont anything intimidating to her. also this was the first time she has ever played hands on me.

I made the stupid decision to drive drunk and got arrested. While I was in custody, I found out she had also been arrested. The police asked if I wanted to press charges and I refused. They did however remove her from my home (where she had lived the 5 month we were back together. and 4 years in the previous relationship.

After that, I sent her a long message taking accountability for my part, explaining what happened from my side, and essentially saying goodbye. I didn’t blame her, but I did acknowledge both of our issues. She read it and didn’t reply.

Since then, there’s been no contact (I’m currently about a week into no contact).

She’s back in London now and posting on social media like nothing happened. Mostly aesthetic stuff, some sad/void-type reposts, but nothing directly about me.

What I’m struggling with is:

I know the relationship was unhealthy and even dangerous at the end

I know there was lying, manipulation, and physical escalation

But I still feel a very strong pull toward her

I keep thinking about getting her back, even though logically I know it might not be right

Last time we got back together after about 3–4 (1.5 total no contact) months of space and a careful re-entry from me. This time feels more severe.

I’m currently doing therapy and working on myself, my codependence and anxious attachment style.

Id like to open up contact again. and explain my healing journey and say I would be open to a slow controlled reconnection if she was willing to get therapy.

Am I being delusional thinking this could be repaired again? Or is there a realistic path if handled correctly?

Im wondering how long to wait until I make contact. im ghosted but not blocked. im thinking 3 months but that might be too long. however this was way more severe and I think she has bale conditions not to contact me but I have no idea how long for. this time I dont have the advantage of the book or anything like that. does anyone have any idea how I could reconnect?

It's hard when someone has behaviors that remind us of our mother. I've also had this experience. Sometimes the person is like my mother but sometimes they have a similarity in some way but aren't like her- yet it feels like they are.

I also would be feeling uncomfortable hearing the neighbor banging around. I think a quick relief would be noise blocking headphones, and also a sound machine when she starts doing this. A chain lock so she can't somehow come into your place, and you feel safe inside.

You could ponder whether you could make concessions.  You could assure her that you would always be with the children.  For whatever reason - probably dealing with her childhood FOO - she doesn't trust your family.

That is not uncommon.  My then-spouse feared abductors were lurking behind every bush and eventually cast my own elderly parents as abusers even though they too were in their 80's.  It kept getting worse until about a year or two later our marriage failed and then the court - the Real Authority - stepped in and set a schedule (boundary) where her parenting time was hers and my parenting time was mine.

It's an irrational fear but you're unlikely to fully convince her by reason and logic enough to totally set that perception aside.  But perhaps just enough...

The disordered neighbor is right now sweeping and banging around in the HOA storage space adjacent to my house where my sand bags are stored. I realize now she reminds me of my mother with BPD who would go on these mad cleaning binges. My mother would do something like burst into my bedroom without knocking, demand I immediately sweep the garage, get mad it did not happen immediately, do it herself and then berate me for not doing it. It feels so uncomfortable being in my house and hear her banging around outside. I avoided her today which is really my only choice. Soon I will hopefully have my peace again once she is done. Right now I feel angry. She just lives too close to me and is so obsessed with controlling the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. The other neighbors have fewer problems with her as they live further away. She is elderly and deteriorating mentally. I have to remind myself things do eventually change. She will not be my neighbor forever.

By the time I got divorced, I was done going over what ifs.  All I had was regret over the times I tolerated her nonsense.  But in my situation, having a kid with her who I love very much and am happy to have them in my life, I couldn't really engage in what ifs, because I know that had I put my foot down up front and said "It's not okay to talk to me like that" and called out her behavior, and ended it when I started getting endless excuses and blame shifting, instead of giving her another chance and rationalizing away why she did what she did or said what she did that it would have just ended sooner and I wouldn't have my daughter. 

So I really don't go down that path... if you treated a pwBPD as you should have, all you get is a relationship that ends earlier, if it even starts.  The only way to "win" is not to play... it's like running on a  hamster wheel.

I think, reading through your list of "What ifs..." what strikes me is that even if you had done everything right, you'd still be facing these same situations over and over again because the problem wasn't anything you did or didn't do, the problem was in his head; it was his way of behaving and his morals or lack thereof.  He would've found someone to cheat with eventually; it wasn't because of you. 

And so forth.

Letting go of someone isn't easy, and ( as I understand it) that's even harder for a pwBPD, given how they crave attention and contact, and have a need to use that contact with others to fill the void in themselves.  They'd rather have negative contact with someone than no contact with anyone, and will go as far as to picking pointless fights to get what they want, rather than just live in peace.

So I think that can explain some of why she's sending you these extended manifestos. 

I would wager that if she had someone else, she would be contacting you a lot less; has nothing to do with whether she's suffering or not. 

That being said, the best advice I received was "ignore the editorial": quickly scan the email, and decide if there is anything objective to respond to, and if so, do that.  Ignore the rest, or dismiss it with a polite "received.  thanks for reaching out."

So for example, you get something like:


Now you might get triggered by this... after all, it's not true!  You're rarely late, and you always considered her feelings!  Maybe even to a fault!  But you should know that there's no way to convince someone of that, when they're throwing out baseless allegations in the first place. They're not interested in resolving anything, they just want your time, and if they can only get that by provoking an argument, so be it.  So only one part of that deserves a response: the pick up time.  you respond:


This is consistent with Bill Eddy's "B-I-F-F" Method of responding to high conflict people:  Keep your response Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. That takes the wind out of their sails, i.e. doesn't give them anything they can argue with further.

"Thanks for your message.  As you know our separation agreement states I have the kids this weekend beginning when school gets out. I will pick them up then."

They can try to spin that further, but there's no need for you to keep responding!  You provided all the information needed.  If or when these messages end up in court, one party is going to come across as argumentative and difficult, and it won't be you.

I finally talked to my mom about the situation and it was nothing I had expected,  my momis fine... My niece had decided to spill the beans on how we talked about this whole bridesmaid situation before (1 day before) I had talked to them as a group about telling them both to stand down. I had spoken to my niece to gage how my sister would react and then now it is more so how I couldn't talk to my sister and how she now thinks I put her in a bad spot with her daughter because I can talk to her and not my sister... so that is the latest.

this is when I learned about bpd and I have tried a great deal to implement what I learned.

Yeah, that's the healthy way to view it- move on and let your mind focus on the present, the future.  The relationship you had ended and even if you do get back together, it's going to be a different relationship given what you've both gone through.  So it's very healthy to let that chapter of your life end...and focus on what the next chapter will be.

I know it's so incredibly hard and I feel for you.  Everyone here felt exactly the way you feel right now and it does take time to adjust.  Just know that you didn't cause this and she made her decisions based on a bad stretch of mental illness and disordered thinking.