Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.   It helps me climb down off the ledge.   I am learning to scope in my long-range thinking to just one day at a time.  It's nice to talk to, and hear from, people who 'get' BPD.

Hi there,

Good for you for planning ahead and getting your life in order before filing for divorce.  I think I remember your story, and I probably remarked, if you think your wife is difficult now, just wait until she learns of the divorce.  My gut tells me the reaction won't be good.

I'm writing because your title states you plan to TELL your volatile BPDw that you are divorcing.  I think it might be unwise to tell her while you're alone with her, because of how she might react--she could boil over and accuse you of assualt.  I think if I were in your situation, I'd just leave the house and then have someone officially serve her the papers.  I have a family member who basically did just that--completely moving out of the marital home in secret, leaving her young kids in my care while she moved out her stuff one morning with the help of a moving crew, and hiring lawyers to start the divorce process.  Her disordered partner was prone to wild outbursts, and he would threaten her with leathal weapons, especially when under the influence.  I'm not a lawyer, but serving papers would officially start the divorce process; otherwise your wife could try to ignore the whole thing.  But my sense is that she'll be apoplectic.

I'd say, you need to prioritize taking care of yourself and protecting your kid(s), both physically and financially, over any sense of obligation to be "nice" and "fair."  My guess is that you have spent years, if not decades, trying to be Mr. Nice and Fair, in the name of "saving" your family and appeasing your wife.  But now you have to put yourself first, for your future's sake and that of your kid(s).  You might think of it as a "professional" separation--by the book, following the rules, corresponding only through lawyers and a co-parenting app, to minimize any drama.  Look, being compassionate and compromising just hasn't worked in your relationship, and I bet you feel some grief there.  Since your BPDw isn't cooperative, you need the legal system to intervene; my sense is that a mediator won't work.  I'd say, let the legal system do its work.  I think you have to assume your BPDw is going to be irrational, uncooperative and explosive.  She might not be, and that would be great, but I think right now you have to assume the most likely scenario and act accordingly.  If you think of it as a "professional" separation, maybe that will help you push aside the feelings of guilt and fear, and think as rationally as possible.  Does that make sense?

I'm not sure if you have mentioned this previously, but a co-parenting app can help minimize direct contact with your disordered wife.  Basically all the logistics around your kid(s) needs, activities, education, healthcare, etc. are managed through the app, which keeps a record of all written interactions and shares information in a neutral manner.  That helps establish a paper trail when it comes to the care of your kid(s), should your wife have joint custody or visitation.

In addition, if your wife has access to "your" money, I'd advise, don't assume she doesn't know how to get at it and take it.  I find that pwBPD might feign incompetence (e.g. with banking apps), only to turn around and then withdraw funds quickly and easily when they need to.  I think sometimes they feign incompetence in order to get others to take care of them, a little bit like a kid, because they crave that.  But at the end of the day, I think they are more competent than they let on.

Just my two cents.  Wishing you the best.

I would move funds out of her reach ***before*** you tell her anything.

In my own experience, BPDxw tried looting all our accounts after telling me that we were getting divorced.  Apparently she thought that if she took all our money, I couldn't hire an attorney and file.  And remember: SHE told me we were getting divorced the day before.

She wasn't able to get money out of our kid's accounts though because of a bank oversight that left her name off them.  So I had enough to pay the retainer and file.

she tried to loot everything while I was at work. She should've also been at work, but for her, all responsibilities went out the door once she went into "panic mode"

The lack of long term planning was evident here: "I hold all tje money, so you have to stay married to me."  LOL... what the hell kind of relationship did she think that would make going forward?

Hi campbembpd,

I admire you for having all of the energy and disposition to do this secretly while still pretending to be cooperative with her. However, it seems like there is one big mistake that you're about to make.

Like ForeverDad said, you should be ready for total havoc to happen after she gets to know your plans. Giving yourself the paperwork for her is likely to put yourself at risk. You should be prepared for the worst reactions, and that could include literally putting the house on fire. But the easiest path is to physically attack you and then call the police on you, claiming you have done domestic violence, and then get you removed.

Are you expecting anything different from that? Are you expecting her to cooperate and just sign the papers? Well, most likely, cooperation only happens when your spouse finds herself completely out of options and about to see the worst, such as losing custody of kids. But yet it will still not be worth it to make any dal, because she is most likely not going to comply with whatever you have agreed on. You should expect to be painted black and be turned into her target.

The interesting thing is that you probably already know all of what I just said, but unconsciously you might be expecting something different? Think about it; what are you expecting to happen? Some sort of miracle? Would you wish she would change, saving you from going through with the divorce? In these moments, you should try to let go of hopes like this, which can't be justified.

If by any chance you want to save the marriage, you must first create a situation in which she cooperates with the separation, like I did, making her run out of options and taking advantage of the fact that she also has hopes in the relationship.

On the other hand, if you don't want to save it, then just make sure everything is handled to her by an officer, preferably a police officer. Make sure you and your stuff are safe, and the kids don't get involved.

You are truly amazing to take on so many at-risk children.  I'm sure you tried your very best, and you should remember that.  But for adult relationships to work, both people need to work at it.  It's sad to say, but my guess is that your daughter has given up on herself.  She can't see anything good in her life--her talents, her adoptive family, her education, the access to therapists who were trying to help her.  My guess is that you tried everything possible to get your daughter help, but she wouldn't cooperate, at least for the time being.  Even though she didn't try hard enough, you did--you went above and beyond, probably to the detriment of your own health and happiness, you tried that hard.  That's not nothing.

My guess is that you are blessed with a loving heart, you are adept at dealing with difficult people, and you are extremely empathetic.  That could be your superpower gift.  But you need to give yourself some grace too.  Maybe once you find yourself in a happier place, you'll see that you did your best, and that it was enough. 

Yes, over-responsibility is a thing with me.  Boundaries! 

 I've always been willing to fall on a sword when things go wrong.  I feel guilty that daughter #4's BPD prevented us from dealing with daughter #5's addiction, that we had to make a Sophie's choice. I've felt guilty that we had to put Son #3 back into foster care, 6 years after we adopted him, because we couldn't manage his Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I beat myself up that we did the best we could for these kids, and it wasn't enough.  I beat myself up that we took on too much. 

I grieve that none of our friends or family could relate to any of the bizarre things we went through.

I do believe, though, that these kids had the best possible chance in life they could have had.   It just wasn't enough.

Since we don't know the details of your divorce paperwork, we can't comment on whether it is practical for your local circumstances.  What your lawyer likely warned you is that things can go sideways in the implementation.  (If not, then this is the warning!)  The risk of police involvement or wild - though unsubstantiated - allegations of DV, neglect or abuse is lurking there just under the surface.

So be very cautious the next few months, especially before and after serving the paperwork.  Might not be wise to serve her yourself in a private scenario thinking to spare her embarrassment.  At least have some witnesses nearby who can prove you didn't misbehave or cause an incident.

This is a time to behave 24/7 as though you had the judge looking over your shoulder.  If she uses drugs or alcohol, that's on her, but you must be squeaky clean in case an "incident" does occur - or is alleged - and the police, children's protective services or whatever get involved.

And don't be surprised if she senses something is up in the coming days... she may be disordered, drugging herself or whatever, but your spouse also has years of experience attuned to subtle nuances and manipulating situations.

I recall the day I called the police, triggering our separation.  When they arrived my preschooler was clinging to me in my arms and quietly sobbing, not with his mother, yet their professional solution was to give default preference to the mother.  Yes, I was asked to hand our son to his mother and "step away".  I didn't get carted off only because our son shrieked and clung tighter to me.  When I later got a divorce lawyer, he was surprised, saying default police policy is to defuse a domestic dispute by removing the man.  Be aware.  Beware.

A lot of pressure on you now!   I am making the assumption you are locking yourself in one bedroom until she finds an apartment and she will be in the rest of the house. I am just looking from a different perspective but would it be possible to rent an apartment for her and while she is at work move her crucial stuff to the apartment and  then hire a mover to take big stuff on a different day that wife agrees to??I absolutely don't know all the details so I may be COMPLETELY out of my element ...if so, I appologize for any wrong thinking on my part! 

Hi there,

It's natural and even healthy to have some disagreements with the person you're dating seriously.  But I think there are some orange flags here.  First is the severity of the argument--a "huge" one.  Second is the nature of the argument:  seemingly out of "nowhere."  Third is his reaction to the argument:  ending the relationship "very abruptly," then blocking you.

What you describe is an emotional reaction that seems intense, over-the-top and maybe illogical; he could have taken offense when none was intended.  Some people are drawn to that intensity, that drama, at least at first.  But what I see is some unfairness too:  not "fighting fair," not listening, not trying to work things out, not apologizing, ending the relationship unilaterally over something that might have been inconsequential.  It's possible that "blocking" you initially served as a means for him to get some distance, and take a breather so to speak.  But to resolve conflicts, typically there must be some communication.  It seems to me he isn't "fighting fair" by blocking you.  I understand I'm old-fashioned here, perhaps reading a block as something more serious than it is.

Maybe with some time and space, he can calm down a bit.  He might change his mind and regret how he acted.  He might pretend the entire argument didn't take place at all.  He might conveniently forget what the argument was about.  But here's the thing:  BPD typically comes with intense, emotionally-driven, over-the-top "drama," "unfair" fights and giving up on the relationship easily.  I'd just ask, are you prepared for that?  I think some people are actually drawn to the drama and intensity, and they like to "fight" for the relationship, to play the role of "rescuer."  Is that what you want?  The good thing is that your partner is showing you early on what the relationship will likely look like.

My general approach with pwBPD and pwBPD traits is to give them an "adult time out" when their negative emotions kick in.  My unspoken rule is not to "interrupt" the time out.  In my experience, I find that they will reach out when they are ready.  Even though I might be concerned for their welfare in the interim, I resist the temptation to "check in" with them, because I feel like it would be violating the "block" that they erected.  In other words, if they tell me they don't want me to contact them, I respect that request.  I'm one of those people who doesn't relish playing games, such as "begging" them to communicate when they've stormed off . . . I think that the "begging" incentivizes them to stay away even longer in my opinion.

Just my two cents.

Hi there,

I'm sorry you've been dealing with the negative behaviors, for what sounds like almost three decades now.  There must be a ton of emotional baggage.  You must feel exhausted, while at the same time worried sick.  You might even feel some PTSD.  Do you tense up every time the phone rings, bracing yourself for more traumatic news?

Here's the thing though.  I get the sense from your post that you might feel overly responsible.  When your daughter was a child, you were responsible for her.  But she's 31 now.  The excerpt above stood out to me:  She's unwilling or unable to take interest in her life.  It sounds to me like she's abdicating responsibility for herself.  That way, she can blame her problems on YOU, or maybe on the world in general.  I think the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her helpless.  She thinks others should change, not her.  She thinks others should over-function for her, that they OWE her.  She's stuck, and the victim mindset keeps her there.  That could be why therapy isn't working--she doesn't believe she needs it.  She's telling you she doesn't care about her life--she thinks she's worthless.  The sad reality is that she has given up, while you hold onto hope for something better.

I think that's why on these boards we sometimes read that pwBPD have to "hit bottom" before they decide to get some help.  It's just that it sounds like your daughter has to sink even lower.  And if you rescue her, giving her a comfortable landing when she's released from the hospital, she might think, Mom's responsible.  Even if your daughter is miserable, her life is "working" for her.  She hasn't learned yet the "rules" of adulthood--that violence lands you in jail, that unemployment leaves you virtually penniless, that being mean leaves you friendless, that nobody owes you anything, that happiness is a choice, that adult life is full of tasks you don't necessarily want to do, but you do them anyway because you are responsible.  It's not your fault she didn't learn these things--her BPD emotions have gotten in the way.

My sense is that you could benefit from some happiness in your life, to get some distance and help get over the grief.  Maybe you could spend more time with the grandchildren?  I think you owe it to yourself to find happiness in your life, now that your kids have all grown.  In fact I think you should model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like--including time for friends, grandkids, hobbies and fun trips.  How does that sound?  That way, should you resume contact with kids in some sort of crisis, you interact from a place of serene happiness, and you uphold boundaries to keep it that way.  In addition, they might learn from you how to have a healthier, balanced life.  How does that sound?