I am so glad to get your update, Mommydoc, and hear that you are enjoying life! While no contact is difficult in its own way, it does open new avenues and can be healing. After my grandfather died, my mother went no contact with her stepmother, and it took a great weight off her shoulders.

Wishing you continued health and happiness!

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear the sadness in your post, and I came here to say I am in the same boat with my UDD 24. Very similar circumstances - she's speaking to dad, but not to me. I agree with all of the advice you've gotten here! Such wisdom.

I've been working with a therapist, and they've provided some insights that may be helpful...

• You can't reconcile unless both have a posture of reconciliation. Your daughter (and mine) don't want to restore the relationship, YET. That's today - not necessarily forever.

• The holidays are just a day. We attach a lot of meaning to them, of course, but in reality, they are not the times that lead to long-term restoration.

My D didn't love family gatherings even before she and I fell out. She would skip them or stick very close to me throughout. They come with lots of expectations and stress. My D would be so mad about normal, curious questions about her life. I read that they feel like scrutiny to them, and it causes shame.

• If you are her person, like I am, we fuel emotion as the main attachment figure. For months, my daughter has raged at me and said the most horrible things. Now, she isn't responding at all and told dad she won't come to Thanksgiving because she doesn't want to see me. That hurts even though I expected it. I'm sad, but mostly feel bad she'll be alone.

Our kids may be choosing aloneness over the stress of the family gathering - their lens on life is not ours.  Pursuit seems to lead to more emotion, and as BPDStinks said, I agree it resets the clock all over again.

So I send neutral texts weekly - Hope all is well, thinking of you.
They seem trite and boring, and it pains me, but I'm trying to show consistency without pressure. Like writing a text or communicating kindly to a distant cousin.

I'm still debating how to handle this week's text. Do I send it ahead of the holiday? Is that pressure? Do I send it after - pretend the holiday didn't happen? I find that's the most difficult part - knowing the right thing to do.

• I wouldn't do anything that indicates expectation... we have your presents, we would love to see you, etc. That stresses them, and at the end of the day, we want them to be more regulated, not more emotional. I know it feels weird not to say normal mom things. I feel the same way. But we don't have normal parent-child relationships either.
Hang in there.

hmmm....if you are (insert passive aggressive tone, lucky to have an address, I would ship the gifts or just do gift cards) my therapist STRESSES the word DIAD....it means:  a group, like 3 people, basically, a group can shift at any time (it is very hard to swallow in real time) also....the term FAVORITE person is key....I was the favorite person for years, (held on a PEDESTAL) once the favorite person FALLS; it is the bottom of the "food chain"; I have researched this heavily: I canNOT praise my therapist enough....this is the first time in 3 years I allow myself JOY: I hope you find some, also

Mommydoc!
How thoughtful of you to post an update to our community. Thank you!

I am so uplifted that you have finally found peace after all those years of chaos.  It gives me hope that peace can be had.

Since you took your break from the board, my mother finally got into assisted living.  While it has helped our situation in some ways, there are still many challenges, the chaos continues, and I still find myself working (out of retirement) just to give myself space from her demands and emotional needs. The entanglement of guilt can feel strangulating.

Work keeps me busy and life seems hair straight back so I am not here as much as I used to be since mom went into assisted living, but checked in tonight and saw your post. 

Just wanted to say how genuinely happy I am that you have found peace.  Your message is a lesson to the rest of us that peace can be had. It brings some hope.

Enjoy that puppy, and all that life has to offer!

I'm just starting to look at tools and info. I'm not techy so it'll take me a bit. I'm just now accepting my part on a deep level, for my sons bpd. Yes, there are genetic components. Being my dad and my son's dad. But because of my own wounds/issues whatever. I raised him in a home that wasn't emotionally safe for him. Top that off his babysitter (a friend and her husband) molested him. I've tried to make up for the pain I caused by rescuing.... It hasn't worked, healed, made up for  or changed his pain. What do I do that honors him and takes care of myself too?  I'll keep reading topics on this site. I appreciate any tips, advice or a direction where to start. Thank you.

These things never worked for me. I too would apologize for random things like that, but my apology was never good enough. Showing that I was dismissing her feelings or didn't care enough to actually reflect on what I've done wrong. And the other problem was, there were times we could have a conversation where I'd apologize for hurting her feelings and I would do as she pleased, and in that immediate moment it was fine. Then the next time a similar situation came up, I'd default to what she said her preference was...and that time, NO GOOD. Moving goal posts.

If I walked away from arguments, 95% of the time it meant to her that I didn't care about our relationship or fighting for it. Or I lacked accountability. Or I was just a horrible human. It was like she needed those hours of yelling and insulting to blow off steam. Every argument literally blew up into a make or break for the relationship.

Every single thing was criticized and if I ever got offended and stood up for myself, it was a recipe for disaster. I never felt so incompetent in my life. I really started believing I was just some failure over the most miniscule things.

Hi,

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't mention that you're holding her gifts for her.  She might view that as a sort of bribe:  "Mom thinks she can erase all her abusive treatment of me with a measly gift."  Or maybe she wants to punish you:  "I'm not going to give Mom the satisfaction of feeling good giving me a gift because she's toxic."  Or you'll get the wrong thing:  "Mom has horrible taste, I'd never wear that sweater in a million years, she has no idea who I am and what I like, she never did."  Or maybe:  "Now I have to buy HER a gift, and I have no money or energy."  Sometimes I think what she really wants is money, to enable her to pull completely away from you.  The tough part though is that she craves a close relationship, but she's too insecure, ashamed and traumatized to handle one.  She knows that relationships are about give and take, but she can only take right now, and not give anything at all.  Rather than come up short, she avoids the situation altogether.  And it may be that when she sees you, she feels she's "demoted" to young teenager status, which she hates, as she's desperately trying to find her adult persona.

Most people probably don't realize this, but 90% of therapy is building enough of a relationship so the therapist/patient can be honest with each other and have tough conversations.  The therapist knows there's mental illness and they know that the blame is likely being unfairly assigned as a coping mechanism. 

So they listen, they offer ways to avoid future conflict, and it's doing the exact same thing as if they walked in and said, "I'm a raving maniac that yells at people all the time."

Who did what is never the problem.  It's how we personally respond afterwards.  BPDs go spiraling with damaging thoughts that implode their closest relationships.  So even when therapists are lied to or hear grossly one-sided arguments, they can still do their jobs and be effective by focusing on the solutions and building trust.

It's really about learning to communicate in a counter-intuitive way.  In your scenario, I'd say:

"I'm open to learning from you- show me your way to peel potatoes."

If that didn't work, I'd follow up with, "I love you and I don't want to ague over potatoes.  I'm going to step away for a few minutes and we can figure this out later."

If things stayed tense after I came back, I'd switch to, "I'm sorry if how I peel these makes you upset, that was never my intention.  Tell me how to proceed- should I keep peeling potatoes or would you rather do them?"

If that didn't resolve the conflict, I'd say, "You know what, I'm not in the mood for potatoes anyway.  I'll grab something else to eat so we both have time to calm down."  Then I'd get in my car and head for a local restaurant for one of my favorite foods.

What I wouldn't do is argue, defend, or blame- I'd stay until I start to anger, then I'd walk away.  And I would do this for everything, every single time, with very clear boundaries in place.  If you want to talk, I'm here.  If you need help, I'm here for you.  If you want to verbally attack me, I'm walking away and I'll be back when you've calmed down.

Thank you!  That is good advice!  Whenever I text her, every few weeks, I just send her a funny dog meme or a picture of something I think she’d like..I never ask a question. That way it’s less hurtful when she ignores it. I read cc43’s thought on it sending gifts. Not wanting to reward this behavior and also to respect her boundaries. Do you think we should text her that her presents are here and ready next time we see her?  Any other advice from your therapist?  I’m looking in on getting started in therapy myself. I’m desperate for ways on how to navigate life lately.