Holy roller coaster...as mentioned in previous posts, my uBPDh is in mandatory DV therapy (for about 6 months) and DBT therapy (for slightly over a year).  The last couple of months has been all over the place.  We have rental property, and my uBPDh has been living in one of those properties for the last almost a year, after a DV incident, but stays at our house with the kid's and I on Monday and Wednesday nights and then whenever he feels like it.  The kids, 2 mine from a previous relationship and 2 ours, live with me.  For the most part, I am the sole caretaker and provider for the 4 kids, essentially a single mom of 4 kids when it comes to actually looking at things!  When he does take care of the kids, I make sure that everything is set so that there is always very little that my uBPDh has to do.  All 4 of my kids are extremely active.  My oldest plays for a national team in his sport as well as his high school team and individual training, my next plays 2 fulltime sports, our next plays one sport and our youngest plays one sport but is wanting to start another one on top of that.  I am at my limit time wise, as I also take sole care of our house (whenever he promises to help me do stuff around the house, yard work, etc, he switches and just like that, its all my responsibility!) and work part time plus 2 PRN jobs.  When I am working, my uBPDh will take the younger 2 kids (our kids) to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but refuses to do anything else, including pick them up or take them to school on any other day, he states he is not able to because of work, but somehow is able to pick my stepdaughter up and go to my stepdaughter's sports, etc when he has her.  I also am the one to have to find child care and pay for child care when I work, he has told me that he refuses to be my "errand boy" when I have asked him to help with things like this!  I have worked very hard to set boundaries surrounding the kids and my work (he says he wants me to work fulltime, expects me to pay for almost everything, but has a complete meltdown every time I walk out the door to go to work, or really anything as he melted down yesterday when I left for my hair appointment, making it very hard for me to leave, especially for me to leave the kids with him).  I have held strong in my boundaries and have not "given in".  The kids and I have a really good life, I'm exhausted, but will support my kids in anyway that I can, and we are really happy...until my uBPDh decides to crush it.  A couple of months ago, my uBPDh split on me and it was a long 2ish months.  He would interact with our 2 youngest, but would ignore me and my 2 oldest kids.  We adjusted, he only came over when he had to get the kids to school and sometimes when our kids had games, but it was rough.  He always looked like he hadn't slept for days.  He would move seats at our kid's events if I sat next to he and my stepdaughter, etc.  He would try to start things with me periodically, but I would walk away.  Then all of a sudden on our s8's birthday party, he switched and couldn't get enough of me and my 2 kids.  It was literally like the turning of a light switch.  He seemed happy, but more even, not the over the top chasing the kids and I being crazy that usually signals the beginning of the switch.  This lasted 2 weeks, longer than I think he has ever been in a good spot.  He slept over every night, and all were happy.  It was like the stars had aligned.  It wasn't the over the top life, it was normal life that we both were able to live and emotions were normal.  I actually didn't know that could happen!  Then he started to pull away, but not crazy, I could tell that he needed space.  Every once in a while, when my h is not at home, a random car (it switches each time) sits in front of our house for an undetermined amount of time and it looks like they are taking notes.  I noticed a car sitting in front of our house on Monday.  I took pictures and decided to turn the alarm on, but then decided to go on with our day, as I had plans with my d5.  A little later, I decided that I should probably tell my uBPDh why I have the alarm on since we never turn it on, if he comes over, etc.  Well, he freaks out on me, that I am being shady, that I haven't called the cops, that I am just letting him know, etc.  In the past he has come over to keep an eye on things and told me not to call the cops.  I told him that this has happened so many times and nothing ever comes of it, so I figured that turning on the alarm was an ok plan.  He continues to freak out on me through text to which I tell him I am "not doing this with him today" and then he stops.  I actually talked to a police officer later on who told me to call the non emergent line next time so they can follow up.  He comes over that night as he has to take the kids to school the next day.  He all of a sudden switches and is super nice to me!  The next night he comes over as well, which was totally unexpected.  He doesn't tell me when he is coming over, he just shows up at 9 pm!  I was picking my oldest up from practice when he got there so it scared the kids.  The next morning, getting ready, our 2 youngest were being silly and our youngest D said, "daddy, I think you are the fattest in the family".  He attends the gym religiously, is on every diet known and is very self aware, but often jokes about him being the "fattest in the family".  So this was not out of nowhere.  He then more seriously says, actually I think that mom is the fattest in the family now.  I was a little thrown off, I knew it was funny, but my response was if I had time to go to the gym, then I that would be different...we are a very active and health conscience family! His response was "you have all the time in the world, you don't do much"!  That just about threw me over the edge, but I just decided to continue on with my day.  I had a flat tire that I needed to get fixed, my H was upset as of course either all of my made up boyfriends did this or I did it so I could go out with said boyfriend.  I asked him if he could drop me off, to which he agreed.  The day went on, he was in his mood, but I was trying to just be normal.  Night comes.  I literally have not sat down all day.  Its 9 pm, I have to leave to pick my oldest up from practice and he walks in.  Feeling the tension, my  11 d says she is going upstairs.  My uBPDh then tells our s8 that tomorrow he is taking him to school, he is not allowed to take the bus.  Our son has struggled with going to school.  He has worked really hard and his favorite part of the day is going on the bus.  Its easier to bring him to the bus stop, but my uBPDh has to control everything and so he told him he is not going on the bus.  I decide not to respond to that and table it to address once he is in a better mood.  I pick my oldest up.  When I get back, my uBPDh starts in on me.  "Next week these kids are staying at my house, you and your kids are so shady.  I am so sick of you cheating on me.  You can say whatever you want, after the judge hears this the kids will be at my house, If you don't let them stay at my house, then I will file for divorce next week." I say to him that I am not doing this with him and that it will be up to the kids.  He freaks out that this is not the kids decision, its his decision.  I tell him that our s8 wants to ride the bus (reason why he wants to stay at home on school nights) and he says that he doesn't care what he wants, he is the dad and he can do what he wants.  I tell him that if its too much for him that night, he can leave and I will figure out getting the kids to school.  He tells me that he wants to be with his kids, so he is not leaving.  He then yells at the 3 kids that were downstairs to go upstairs away from him...as they were all afraid and clinging to me.  He then watched tv all night, I don't think slept at all...meanwhile all of the kids were afraid so all 3 slept with me...literally following me around everywhere, our d5 telling me how sorry she was that daddy said such mean things to me and me assuring her that if he put a hand on me that I would call 911, as she kept asking.  He also didn't do a single thing for the kids, help get them to sleep, get them medicine when one had growing pains, etc.  I know that this is just another go around, I think it is just so disappointing as we hadn't had a complete blow up like this in weeks.  I will keep doing what I am doing.  Part of me wants to check in with his DV therapist, as that is something that I am able to do, but I don't know if that is something I should do or not.  I am assuming that this would put a red flag up with his probation officer, and he has A LOT on the line right now.  Another part of me feels like I am trying to control what is not mine to control by doing so, and to just continue forward and not let this change me.  While it feels like the world is crashing in on me at this moment, in reality, it is just another melt down by my uBPDh, and I have been through so many of them before.  I will hold my head high, protect my kids and not let this derail me!   

Hi Broken mom2,

Im sorry that you are experiencing this from your dd but if your dd does not want to be associated with you why doesnt SHE remove all HER pictures of you and her child from her FB account? Make it make sense!!! 

Please know that she is saying these awful things in a moment of devaluing you but it doesnt mean that you have to go along with it and the best reaction is often no reaction.

Hi!  Welcome to the club noone wants to be in!  I am just in my 3rd you of (my pwBPD daughter's CHOICE) limited contact with (yes, she reaches out when she needs something) when she was diagnosed with BPD, she texted all the time, begged me to sleep over, etc. than (I have learned the phrase is "ghosted") ghosted me, her father, sister & nieces....so....I, know it is SO hurtful, I find myself looking at pictures, cards, etc. wondering, how the heck did this happen? I don't even know where she lives! I have a double whammy because my granddaughters' mom has BPD & does the "on & off" you can't see the kids, that is SO hurtful and makes me very anxious, because I am a big planner (I have really learned patience and winging plans); I am so sorry you are going through this, I would not wish the BPD beast ramfications on anyone

Hi Duggingen
Just a few thoughts. The spending does seem to be an emotional needs in BPD and it can take it's toll on everyone concerned. Your situation I think is at crisis point and there does need to be change.

One starting point is to look at things in a very practical way - no emotions allowed for this process!

You mention DD has free accommodation etc. So . . .
can you sit down with pen and paper and work out how much DD - approx of course - would need for FIXED expenses (phone, power, water, etc ie all the bills we get regularly.
How much for food, clothing etc
Are there car expenses

In other words, try to write a generous budget that outlines her expenses.

Discretionary spending: How much would be reasonable to 'extras' eg takeaway, going somewhere etc.

Get an  idea of how much would be 'enough'.

Re bills etc
It took me a long time to stop paying outstanding debts. I hadn't thought it through really - I am just programmed to pay debts! Anyway I realised that my DD didn't own anything, so whoever wanted to take the debt on would soon realise that it was not worth it.

The next thing I realised was that clearing debts meant DD could keep getting accepted for loans. Once I stopped, the loans stopped because she had bad credit rating.

I think once you have an idea of how much is enough, think about whether or not you are able to contribute a specific amount each month. If you can, then decide whether you will use this to pay a bill for DD eg phone account or whether you would give cash.

Then comes the moment to tell DD that you are in financial trouble, you have worked out a budget for yourself and you can contribute xxx each month but that is the limit.

It can be surprising that once you stop the merry-go-round things can improve - and DD could become better at managing. Yes she has said all these things, but perhaps a challenge to 'have a full life without spending much money' could be a challenge and interesting.

Just a few thoughts . . .

I am so sorry you received a message like that; many here have experienced something similar and it's incredibly painful.

For the Facebook stuff, there's a simple option.  You can go into those posts and select an option for them to be visible with everyone but your daughter.  I did that a few years back when my mom was terminally sick- I'd post general updates on Facebook but hide it from my mom and my dad so they wouldn't get upset by seeing it.  When my father got sick a few years later, I did the same thing hiding it from him and it becomes a default option that I could select very quickly.

With that said, please remember that this is for "right now" and not for "forever".  Continue to let your daughter know that you love her and the grandkid, despite what she might say in return.  Remember that the problem here is mental illness and that this is not your fault.  I hope that helps!

Hello and welcome to the family.  This is such a tough road to walk and so many of us have been there as well. 

It might help you to understand what BPD actually is in layman terms.  While it is a major mental illness that can cause significant relationship problems, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.  Instead, it takes a different communication style and validation.

Think about a time you were really upset.  Maybe a loved one passed away, or you lost your job, or you had major financial problems.  The what doesn't matter....it's the feeling I want you to connect to.  In that moment, you felt absolutely helpless and you couldn't see a way forward.  Part of that was because everything was so "fresh" and your mind couldn't process it.  And in time, you found a way past that obstacle.

For someone with BPD, they feel that way every time they become dysregulated.  It doesn't take a major life event to bring up those types of feelings, and once they begin to feel that way they obsess over it.  In your past problem, logic and reasoning helped your mind think your way through it.  BPDs struggle though because they get so caught up in the emotional cycles feeling alone, depressed, helpless, etc.

Now let's talk about your specific relationship.  Long distance is hard- I did it for two years before marrying my wife in the Philippines.  So much is lost in communication over text and video calls; it's just not the same.

What's happening in your case could be that they are so worried you'll break up with them because of their mental illness, they're going into each conversation with a lot of fear and anxiety.  So their mental state is heightened before you even talk and while you're communicating, they're looking for "proof" that you're no longer committed.  Maybe you say something harmless or maybe they bring it up, and their mind starts spinning like they're in one of those major life events that we talked about a minute ago.  It fills them with fear, dread, etc as they wait for the relationship to fall apart.

On your side of this equation, you're picking up on the vibes and acting differently yourself, because you don't understand why they're off.  And this shift makes things so much harder for them because they're not thinking logically...they're reacting to their emotions in the moment and it's so overwhelming.  This causes the spirals you're experiencing now.

To break these patterns, it requires a different style of communication where she feels loved and appreciated.  You'll probably say, "But I tell her that all the time..." and I believe you; so much of this is counter-intuitive and there's a lot to learn.  This site and the fine folks that post here are a fantastic resource to help you improve your communication style to validate her and get the relationship back to where it should be.

I hope that helps- I know that's a lot to take in at once.  Please feel free to ask questions though and let us know what you need.

My long-distance s/o has bpd, they have always been very empathetic to others and sweet, and they have never yelled at me, been "mean", or ignored me. When the relationship began I didn't realize their BPD traits and halfway through most of our disagreements would end with me apologizing after multiple attempts to calm their crying, or them acknowledging my feelings could've also been hurt but with them feeling more upset than me. Recently they were diagnosed and since then I've been supportive but it's been downhill since they learned they had BPD.

I've bottled up my feelings as their fp, although sometimes I do crash down from it being too much, it isn't constant. When they realized I would bottle it up, they would say they felt guilty and useless, and I would try to reassure them to no avail. They said I could speak about my emotions freely and they'd help, so I gave it a try, but now, every time I even mention feeling down, they will go dry and seem upset themselves. They don't go mad when they're spiraling; instead, they feel guilty, as if I am dismissing them, even if I'm reassuring.

I miss the first few months with them, now we have been togueter for two years , back then they would comfort me and viseversa . I communicated about this and they simply said sorry, what should I do?

broken mom2,

That’s a really painful message to receive - especially while you’re at work trying to hold it together. It makes sense your mind goes straight to “what did I do wrong?” when something like this happens.

These kinds of cutoffs usually aren’t about one moment or one mistake. They tend to come from built-up emotion on the other side that spills out all at once. That doesn’t mean you caused all of this, and it also doesn’t mean you can fix it quickly.

With the Facebook request, there isn’t one “right” answer - it’s more about what helps keep the door open versus what might harden things further.

And losing contact with your granddaughter like this… that’s real grief. It’s a lot to carry all at once.

You don’t have to solve this today. Getting through the day is enough right now.

You’re not alone in this.

Hi Mom,

I really feel for you.  Sadly, estrangement is very common with BPD.  But my guess is that your daughter will reach out again soon enough, typically when she wants some help.

Look, if your daughter didn't want to associate with you, she wouldn't have messaged you at all.  I think she wants to punish you right now, in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  In my experience, this sort of behavior has nothing to do with you; rather, it's typically a sign that your daughter is stressed out right now.  Because she can't handle the stress very well, she's lashing out at you.  It looks like she's trying to control you, too, perhaps in a vain attempt to reclaim some control in her own life.

My advice is not to take down the pictures from Facebook.  What you do on Facebook is your business.  If she doesn't want to see you on Facebook, she can stop looking at you on Facebook.  If you do her bidding, especially in the context of a manipulative, angry request (i.e. not a rational one about safety or privacy), my guess is that it won't solve her problem one bit, because the problem isn't about you sharing family pictures.  By agreeing to her irrational requests, you'd be incentivizing her mean-spirited behavior.  I'd advise not to increase her incentives for lashing out with meanness.

I think your mom said exactly the right thing--she doesn't want to be in the middle.  She didn't say, OK, I'll agree to an irrational request to alienate a granddaughter from grandma.  Kudos to your mom!  She refused to be triangulated and manipulated, even if it hurt her a lot.

Now I know that probably doesn't make you feel much better.  Please know that you are not to blame for BPD.  A mantra here is the three Cs--you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That might help alleviate some of the guilt.

My daughter has not spoke to me for almost 4 weeks now, and I just received a message from her asking me to remove all pictures of her and my grandchild from facebook because she doesn't want to be associated with me. It just hurt so bad reading that, I used to facetime with my granddaughter at least once a week and now she does not want me to be around her. She has told my mother she does not want my granddaughter around me either because if I really wanted them in my life I would have tried harder, and my mother just says she doesn't want to be in the middle because it hurts to much.
Here I am sitting at work trying not to ball my eyes out and my heart breaking.
I don't know what to do anymore, I am crying daily blaming myself for all of this and no matter what I do it feels like I am disappointing someone.