Note the recent additional stress is after having a baby.  The relationship expanded from a two-some to an extra complication.  Many have reported that the conflict and discord increased after adding a baby to the marriage.  My story... My then-spouse had been having increasing friction with her co-workers and others but after we had a child, our home environment became so much worse.  When the police eventually got involved, we separated and one of the first steps of the divorce process - after the initial temp order - was the mediation attempt.  We agreed on assets, debts, equity, vehicles, everything but custody and parenting.  Mediation failed and we limped through a lengthy divorce.


This is the Bettering board so we are focusing on ways to use practical tools and communication skills to make the relationship less unmanageable.  Only time will reveal whether your attempts find a measure of success.

But "sticking it out for the sake of the children" may turn out to a poor option if the relationship is very dysfunctional, the children may suffer more by staying than separating.  Here is one of my posts from years ago:

Anonymous, that sounds incredibly heavy. Your kids are lucky to have you. Your advice of walking away when the storm clouds gather is sound and probably the most effective solution to maintain sanity long term. Apologies if this is an inappropriate question, but what keeps you going in this situation - do you still see a way forward in the relationship, or you're just sticking it out for the sake of the children?

CC43 - I think a lot of this makes sense on paper, tho I do wonder if it ain't a bit the same trap of trying to reduce all extra sources of stress, and in the process just reducing the stress tolerance even further? Hiring more help probably would be good regardless, even if expensive I feel like it'll save a lot in the long term... I do feel like just having an extra witness in the house often either reduces the amount of conflict, or redirects some of the anger their way - feels like a band aid solution and I'm not sure if it's long term helpful, but in the short term the logic is very tempting.


Pook075 - this hits close, the stress is already causing elevated blood pressure for me and like yourself, I'm in otherwise great health and lack other levers I can still pull, other than managing the stress and/or getting on meds to reduce risk of more serious consequences down the line... My child is everything to me, and providing a safe and loving home is so important to me. But obviously I can't do that on my own, and if my partner refuses to cooperate on regular basis, I guess I'll just have to lower my standards of what that means to me.

None of us here can put on therapist hats and have a clear answer for you.  As for me, I have no psychiatric education, which is true for most of us here, so we're firmly in the peer support zone.  That said, it appears that something seems to have changed or happened in the recent past to trigger these changes.

What did the counselor(s) comment on their observations of him?  Since he hasn't been diagnosed - and probably won't if he refuses counseling sessions - what gave you the idea of a BPD possibility?  I ask because your spouse doesn't appear to be as aggressively negative or conflict-causing as many report when arriving here.

Research also about the Stockholm syndrome, a psychological response wherein a captive begins to identify closely with his or her captors, as well as with their agenda and demands.  It may not be an official psychological description, but it might be related to the trauma bonds mentioned here.

In August 1973 four employees of Sveriges Kreditbank were held hostage in the bank’s vault for six days after a botched bank robery. During the standoff, a seemingly incongruous bond developed between captive and captor.

I think we all feel this way. It's a trauma bond, and so hard for anyone to understand. He'll keep doing these things. At some point understanding what was real or a lie needs to not matter, but this is fresh for you. In the moment, when he was 'happy' it was real in a sense but the intent behind it was shady. Don't go back please. And we all feel like that, I felt like I let my family down. She ruined my bday and dumped me...we took a 1 month break (not really a break as she came over all the time and we had sex a lot), she punched me and trashed my house....I took her back...only when she almost got me arrested is when I had to leave completely. It doesn't say much about you other than you have a codependent personality and a caregiving mentality. These are generally good if done in a healthy way with someone who reciprocates. I think you need to fully block him everywhere.

Sorry, my auto correct is terrible and I cannot figure out how to edit these posts. That's what I get for responding at work.

Yes, I know it is much more likely that they don't get help and they just keep repeating the same cycles for most of their life. I just had so much hope and i truly love him so much. Or maybe it's a trauma bond because how can i love someone who has treated me this way? Did the things he's said. Done the things he's done. But it feels real. And so all encompassing. And I now that's part of the design but how do you even start to weed out what was real and what was a lie? I feel like if I didn't have much family or many friends, I would absolutely go back to him. I am now worried about disappointing them than I am about disappointing myself. Which I'm sure says more about me and my self worth than anything.

Hi, Ashesanddust.  There are people with bpd who, with the right professional help, make significant progress.  And there are many who don't.  We in this forum cannot know what is right for you and your situation.  But we can all validate how painful this is, how often we put more blame on ourselves than we should, and how important it is, no matter what you do next, to do it with eyes as open as they can be and as much commitment as possible to your own well-being and self-care.  Be well.

Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) have been honing their manipulative skill for much of their lives.  They know the buttons to push.  Also, they know how to both push and pull to manipulate you into becoming even more enmeshed with them.
 
We're Good Guys and Good Gals, we want to give and share more than take.  We are, overall, more positive, while acting-out disordered people are more likely to behave in negative ways, both to themselves and to others... especially those closest to them.  With BPD, the persons most impacted negatively are those closest to them.

Well he told me that he was too weak to be able to do what I said I needed. So I guess that's that. I am so stupid. He's probably just going to be with that other girl within the week. I hate that I love him still or care at all. His hooks are so far deep within me. It was so hard to not just agree to being with him again. What is wrong with me?