Hello Tete-
Yes, this is difficult. Will this be a long term living situation or are there plans to move out on your own?

UPDATE: now it seems we are on good terms again and she seems to regain an interest in me. This is all overwhelming but i try to cope, as i love her.

I’m not going to bore you all with lots of history that you probably would recognize all too well, but the basics are that I left my partner of 10 years about 9 months ago and have been trying to maintain contact ever since. Up until three weeks ago, I thought it was going well. With some pressure off, we could connect without conflict. But things took a very sharp turn and I’m reeling with the revelations. 1) that she is BPD/NPD as disclosed by our mutual therapist, 2) that she regularly and exclusively vilifies me to said therapist and has for at least the last year+, while presenting a relatively agreeable side to me, and 3) that she has been expressing outright hate for me during the time after we broke up to this therapist. I mean real, deep, aggressive hate, not just pissed off. Using that phrase repeatedly. She hates me with a passion and calls me a bitch and cunt to this therapist regularly. All the while, we see each other once a week, I support her in her business as I can, I watch her dog, we have pleasant conversation, and I think we are moving on to a new way of relating to each other.

Now things are in a rapidly deteriorating state starting 3 weeks ago when apparently I triggered her in more ways than she could handle with indicators that I was moving on and asserting myself, and setting some boundaries. Three weeks ago, I didn’t even realize she had BPD or NPD and was so cowed by years of emotional abuse that I didn’t even recognize that was what it was. I still have trouble identifying myself as a victim of emotional abuse and minimize her awful, destructive, intimidating and gaslighting behavior to myself, just as I hid and minimized it to others for years and years.

Now, she is threatening to destroy sentimental items that I left at our shared home (with her ok) by using them for “target practice”. I went to pick them up tonight while she was out of town because I have been feeling an increasing concern about being unsafe. I thought just emotionally (probably more minimizing). But she had changed the locks. Just two days ago, I had an online therapy session and she joined the session without my knowledge or the therapist’s. It was probably an honest mistake about scheduling at first, but she lingered on the line listening until we reset the session due to puzzling audio interference. She then was extra enraged about me telling the therapist I was feeling unsafe and said she should have stayed in the line for the whole session. It is such an astounding violation that she stayed on at  all!  Now the lock change and statements that “She’d better not come to my house”.

She has been emotionally anbusive and intimidating, though never physically abusive. But she is a whole new level of unhinged now and has an arsenal of guns. She has gotten close to suicide many times snd is a cutter. She lets her rage become physical with objects like kicking things and throwing things. My instincts are telling me there is danger, but I’m having trouble trusting my instincts after they betrayed me for so long. Am I inflating the risk of violence or being too dramatic?  Or am I minimizing the risk and not listening to my lizard brain?  My trust in myself is just so damaged right now, I don’t know what to think. I do know my lizard brain gave me a panic attack for the first time in 12 years last week and I’ve been so unsettled emotionally and even physically. Can I get a reality check from anyone who has been in a similar situation?  I just don’t know what to think and my emotions are so jumbled.

I guess I’m supposed to share my story here.  I’m 40(f) my husband is 39(m).  It’s been a long road for us together almost 15 years, married for 13, 2 kids together one has significant special needs.  My second marriage his first, I brought to children into the relationship.  So we have 4 total, but the older 2 are in college and live with their dad. 

My husband is a good person.  He loves us very much and he’s got a big heart.  He’s also really broken, and he tries to break everything and everyone around him anytime he gets disregulated emotionally.  It’s gotten pretty bad, some pushing, not in awhile though.  Mostly emotional and verbal abuse.  I’ve been accused of deception and infidelity at least 100 times.  He will be the first to tell you his suspicions have never been correct.  Being good and loyal to him is part of my identity, it’s something I value about myself and not something I’d be willing to compromise.  I have never committed even the most tiny infraction of infidelity.  He has though.  So there’s projection Im sure.  I’m not perfect though either.  I allowed him to treat me badly and I didn’t even try to protect myself. I hated myself so much that  I just took it on the chin.  But then I starting therapy and after several years I grew some self value and learned how to self love.  So now I’ve swung the other way.  I have built up and walk around myself that has led to us being disconnected, and him feeling rejected.  I am trying to release the resentment and learn to let him back in.  There’s a lot more to our history of toxicity and abuse but more on that another time….

A few weeks ago he scared me.  His abuse had escalated.  He called me names he’s never called me before.  He tried to rip my ring off really hard and hurt my finger.  He keeps a gun next to his bed and I got scared.  He has never pointed it at me or said he’d shoot me or anything but when he gets really mad I don’t know what he’ll do.  He’s prob use it to scare me at least.  So I asked him to spend a few days apart after that night.  He lost it.  I convinced him to enter a partial hospitalization program and he went and has been there for 3 weeks.  BPD was brought up as a possibility.  As soon as we started looking I to it, it was an epiphany for us both.  So we can name it now, but that means accepting some stuff and it’s been hard.  I know realize I can’t keep putting so much energy into how he feels.  I have to say no if I don’t want intimacy or to do a specific act.  I can’t do things because I fear his reaction.  This means more honesty and setting boundaries and he’s not feeling it to put it lightly.  The truth is all my in love and sexy feelings are hiding right now and his suffocating attempts to feel those things from me are making me feel so pressured and that’s making it so much worse.  I know it’s hard but I also know this is the only path to a healthy relationship.

He’s been pretty understanding and has been doing really well 90% of the time.  I’m really so proud of him. 

Tonight he smoked a b bunch of weed, came home super high and misinterpreted a bunch of stuff (he says I’m gaslighting him but saying this but he was so way off- he was splitting for sure, saying the reason I don’t feel comfortable is because I’m not in love with him and I’m just hanging on to keep him down)and got mad and left.  He found a necklace with a heart in a little jewelry bag with kegal balls and thought it was from a guy.  The necklace was from my daughter and at some point I guess I tossed it in that little bag so I don’t lose it or something.   I don’t remember exactly because it was A very mundane action for me.  That is what really set him off.  I tried to reassure him and started getting cold and mean.  Then he texted and called to tell me he can’t do it anymore.  He says I’m the one with the problem (even though for weeks he’s been saying that I have never dine anything wrong and am a saint for staying with him, all these things, how sorry he is how he will never be mean to me again etc..it seems sincere but now I guess maybe it is manipulative)and when I figure it out maybe we can try again but that he will probably move on because he’s gonna get real fit and I “won’t be PLEASE READ”.  I asked him to stop talking to me like that and he just started turning it around on me.  Long story short, he wasn’t going to come home but now he’s back pedaling and saying he shouldn’t have said all that.  I’ve told him we need to pause the romantic relationship and focus on getting along, healing individually and being a family.  I’m going to sleep separately for awhile.  If he can’t stay faithful as he’s has said he doesn’t think he can (and later says he can) then that will be it.  But I would rather is part friends and not have to look at that as cheating.  I told him I won’t if he does, but it won’t be because I forgive the infidelity, it will be because if he does that it will be the end of the marriage so it won’t be cheating and I won’t hold it against him. Now he’s begging bff me to come back to our marital bed but I have to stay firm this time.  We can’t try to be romantic while we’re doing this work on ourselves we’re literally just hurting each other by accident over and over. 

Has anyone ever made it through this?

Im also really struggling with aversions.  I mentioned how I used to easily let him in and hurt me, and now, it’s to the point where I don’t want anything romantic.  I don’t want sex, I don’t want eye contact, I don’t want words of affirmation, and I really don’t want to feel pleasure from him or anyone. I don’t not want it all from him, I don’t want it at all.  I feel like I never want to experience any of that with any man ever again.  I know it’s not normal to be averse to those things like this.  I didn’t used to be before a few months ago.  I can’t enjoy it at all.  It feels like a violation.  I got so hung up on soothing his emotions all these years that I turned mine off completely.  I want to try to fix it because I think if he can get well  and consistently not hurt me then I will feel safe again eventually.  I think we both fear that will never happen but I’m willing to wait a long time. 

That’s us in a nutshell, sorry if it was a lot and complication but something tells me yall are used to that.  Looking forward to participating and hearing from others who understand.  I’m not easily offended so please feel free to tell me hard truths.  I need forward progress and growth and I don’t expect it to be fun. Ty for reading all of this if you’ve made it this far. 

It's not always about co-dependency. It can be about emotional maturity. If you're hurt, that's because you're allowing yourself to be hurt. Her actions are her business. Any woman pwBDP or otherwise is entitled to leave you any time she likes. If she goes, let her go, or are you her jailer?

My ex is my ex because she decided to be my ex. I have accepted that. I did not even try to persuade her otherwise. Why should I? If she wants me, I'm still here for now, but not on my knees. I have a lot of love and compassion for her, in particular because of her illnesses, and would like to see her happy, safe and well, with or without me. She is safe, but not happy or well.

i did too, when i came here.

is that, essentially, what youre asking about? will she come back, and what signs to look for if she does?

lets start with some basics. it would be good to share your story - the more we know, the more we can help.

why did you break up? how long ago was it? whats all this smearing about?

Are you in the U.S.? If so, I'd recommend you go straight to your HR office and explain the situation, including giving a relevant account of your relationship, when it began, and when it ended. Any mitigating information -- fights, calls to the police, etc. -- might be shared, too.

Now, you may wish to get advice from an attorney first. I'd actually recommend that. But the point is, in the U.S., a woman's claim of sexual harassment and the like will be taken very seriously and often fearfully by a company. A man is actually in a more precarious position.

That means if one day she goes to HR and claims you've been harassing her, you assaulted her, you stalked her, etc., you may quickly find yourself out of a job if the company merely wants to avoid a lawsuit or entanglement.  So, for your own protection, it is wise to consider pre-emptively sharing with them anything that might be relevant to your own protection later.

Again, you should probably consult with an attorney first to get professional advice on whether this is appropriate and what you should say. They may have a very different point of view. 

Sorry -- "can't be sympathetic . . ." Wish there was an edit function on this board.

Toxic is toxic. The cause or motivation is not the issue. Whether someone throws acid in your face or accidentally spills it on your face, the result is the same -- you are getting burned.

That doesn't mean you can be sympathetic or compassionate. You can forgive someone. You can encourage them to get help.

But if you then keep getting acid thrown in your face, that's on you. You invited it back into your life, and you made it possible to happen.

When someone is healthy, they see reality for what it is. When someone is codependent, they keep making excuses to put themselves in harm's way.

worst case scenario, the therapist will serve as someone to vent to, and validate your wife.

i say worst case scenario, because therapy can be so much more, and it too often isnt, but it doesnt necessarily have to be a bad thing.

anyone seeking support requires a certain amount of, and certain kind of, validation. people with bpd traits, in general, need a lot of it.

if thats all she ever gets? if the therapist just tells her shes right and justified in everything she says and does? it can be nice to hear that youre right, but your wife will get bored of that, and tired of paying for it, eventually. anyone would.

and if thats all it ever is, then your wife has a new outlet to blow off steam. that alone can potentially help your marriage - a lot. 

it also gets her foot in the door. i do agree its unrealistic that your wife will do a lot of soul bearing at this point in her mental health journey. taking that start to actually seek it in the first place is a huge part of the battle. it may be a slow or uneven journey, but it has the potential to lead to more.


these are the kinds of things that support groups exist for. i cant really overstate the extent to which someone dealing with chronic pain and stress just having someone to talk to, vent to, a sympathetic person that sees their struggles, can go for them. reduced stress in her life (especially someone with bpd traits) can make for reduced stress in your life, and your marriages. it can motivate a person to make changes.


how does she look in yours 

ever read a marriage advice column? even the letters that begin "i love my spouse. my spouse is so helpful in so many ways. truly they are the perfect spouse! well, except for this one thing..." end up making the spouse look like the 'bad one'. people in therapy are there to complain about something. even solutions-seeking people are, inevitably, giving their side of things, and its only by doing that that they can be opened up to others.

i understand the urge to defend yourself against your wifes accusations - i used to have arguments even in my head with my ex - but the urge is just that really, an extension of the conflict in your marriage, and a desire for control of the narrative (who doesnt want that). in that sense, no, it would not be a good reason to contact your spouse's therapist. there is also the fact that your perspective would be of no help to the therapist if your wife isnt serious about therapy. the therapist cant be your advocate, or confront your spouse about her drinking if shes not prepared to admit it or confront it herself.

i also understand of course, that you desire to see your wife get real help. i think that this need not be a threat to your marriage, or your wife's recovery; it may or may not involve circling around in the middle of nowhere for a while, or it may be part of a bigger milestone, but it is a start.

this was written for parents, about children (in therapy), but still applies: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy