Hi Toph and welcome to the family...officially!  I'm really glad this site has helped you in the past and hopefully we can be more helpful in a two-way dialogue.  It got me through quite a lot as well when things were at their worst.

First, a few questions.  Eight years together.  Any kids?  Are you a homeowner?  Give us a basic idea of the family dynamic, who works, etc.

Next, I could have written your story when I broke things off with my ex.  I felt like I was invisible, that I didn't matter, until I didn't do something my wife expected.  Then I was punished.  The sad part was, I couldn't see it though, I didn't recognize the cycles and I didn't even understand that it was an abusive relationship.  I figured all couples were like that...I was clueless.  So you're light-years ahead of me from that aspect.

My situation was unique though in that I had a BPD daughter with my BPD ex-wife.  So I was reading the books and learning about ending conflicts, standing firm on boundaries, etc while also always leading with love and compassion.  The second part of that sentence is key- it's not being kind when they're kind and tough when they're tough.  That leads to war.  It's about understanding that they're sick, that they have unimaginably bad days, and how we react will untimately decide the outcome.

Your path forward is incredibly simple.  Choose your own mental health first at this time.  Be kind to her and try to have productive conversations about what you need, and truly listen to her as she tries to explain what she needs.  She might not be able to put it into words because she's sick- but you know what emotions look like in someone sad, scared, angry, etc.  Soothe those emotions to make her feel understood, and that alone works wonders. 

Meanwhile, do not argue over anything.  If things get heated, be the adult in the room and step away gracefully.  Tell her that you love her and you don't want to argue, then stand by that.

Mainly though, this must be about you and allowing yourself to heal.  You'll see things after two weeks of separation that you can't see today.  That's your body normalizing once again and processing everything that's happened.  Focus on eating well, getting in some exercise, and dedicate a little time to hobbies or friends.  Maybe even consider counseling for yourself.  All these things will help you mentally heal and that's crucial.  The better your headspace, the less you'll be drawn into arguments over who let the dog out or who was supposed to pick up shampoo last week.

One last thing- there's no good way to ask anyone to consider therapy.  I just did with you because I understand the situation you're in and what it did to my mental health when I was there.  You can look at my words logically and see that yeah, maybe it makes sense.  But for your wife, she's only going to see the unsiad implication- that she's crazy and you hate her.  That's because BPDs think emotionally when they're in distress; logic all but turns off for them and they're ready to fight.

I wish you luck, my friend.  Please ask all the hard questions you can think of and we'll do our best to answer from our knowledge and experiences.  If you just need to rant a bit, we understand that too.  Just let us know how we can help!

This is my first post, but I have been using this site as a resource for a long time. Thank you all for being here, it's helped me through some really tough times.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a few years before we met.  We have been together for the past eight years (married for last two years). It's been a rocky road to say the least.
A few days ago, I made the decision to go no-contact and leave. This was the result of her falsely accusing me of harassing her and then calling the police. While she has often threatened to call the police, she never had until the other night. This has been a theme throughout our relationship - just when I think there is a line she won't cross, she blows right through it.
It's been eight years of every type of abuse imaginable. It's been eight years of slowly having my life stripped away from me. I have reached a point where I feel like my only purpose in life is to serve her and her never ending need for attention and validation. If and when I take time for myself, I am punished for it. If she feels I am enjoying myself without her, she will do whatever it takes to sabotage it. No matter how much I give, it's never enough.
It's now been almost four days since I left. I find myself going though the same stuff each and every time. At first, I am certain it is the right decision. But, after a few days, I start to question myself. When I talk to family and friends about it, they just tell me I need to leave and never look back. If it were only that easy!
I love her and I so badly want things to work. But, she refuses to seek help. She has been hospitalized a number of times and talked to numerous doctors, but now has convinced herself she no longer has BPD.
I really don't know what to do. If things go the way they have in the past, she will expect me to return in a few days and we will go on as if nothing happened. But, I can't keep doing that. I want her to get help, but I don't think she will. Do I give her an ultimatum? Or do I take my out and just move on?
Thank you for listening, just getting it out is helpful. 

 
 

Hi Northern,

You've come to the right place.  First off, I think you should cut yourself some slack.  You have a new baby, and that's a big change, along with added stress for both of you.  It's no wonder you're feeling sleep-deprived, stressed out and testier than normal.  The good thing is that you recognize that already.  So what do you do?  Here we emphasize self-care, first and foremost.  I know, I know, sometimes taking deep breaths and getting exercise might not seem like enough.  But in my case, when I'm feeling super-stressed or overwhelmed, I know it's time to double down on my healthy habits.  For me, that means prioritizing eating right, getting regular exercise (preferably in nature) and getting some sleep.  I schedule acts of self-care in my planner, and I make them as important as a business meeting.  Taking care of myself IS my business, after all.  I just make sure I prioritize myself.

On the other hand, I'll also try to simplify my life for a time, at least until I'm feeling like my "old" self again.  That might mean eating off of paper plates, getting some domestic help, ordering groceries for delivery, cutting back on taxing social engagements, wearing clothes more than one day, buying gift cards instead of presents for holidays, etc.  At work, it means being "ruthlessly" executive, focusing exclusively on the important stuff.  I don't volunteer, I don't bring cookies to the office (for whatever reason, women are practically expected to bring food to the office . . . ), I don't attend colleagues' birthday parties, etc.  There are emails I don't answer.  And you know what?  It doesn't matter.  If something were really important, people would reach out again, or just call me.

As for your wife pushing your buttons, I think you're ahead of the game, because you know what the buttons are already.  The reason she keeps pushing them is because she's getting the reaction out of you that she wants--she's getting your attention, some drama, control of the situation, concessions out of you, whatever.  All you have to do is to "deactivate" the button.  It's fantastic that you know what it is already.  But you don't have to let it trigger you, because you know the facts.  Just because your wife says you're holding the baby the wrong way, doesn't MEAN that you're holding it the wrong way, let alone that you're a bad dad.  Just because your wife says you're lazy, or not good enough, or controlling, or unappreciative, etc., doesn't mean that you are that way.  In all likelihood, what she's doing is projecting her own insecurities onto you!  And she knows she'll get the reaction she wants when she pushes that button.  If you don't react, then she might stop pushing that button, because she discovers it doesn't work anymore.

One technique you might try is called gray rocking.  That means, when your wife pushes your buttons, you don't react--you stay still, silent and as boring as a gray rock.  You can't argue with a gray rock, right?  Chances are, she'll give up and leave you alone.  A similar technique is not to JADE, short for justify, argue, defend or explain.  Why?  If your wife is riled up, her emotions have hijacked the situation, and she's not going to listen to anything you have to say anyway.  Any attempt to JADE is to approach the situation with logic, when it's not about logic, but emotions.  So stay away from logic when she's upset.  I'd say, try to be calm instead--a gray rock.  If you feel like you're getting sucked in to the emotional drama, then give yourself a time out.  Try leaving the room, or maybe get engaged with a simple task (e.g. wiping the counter).  That way, you give your wife some time and space to take down the temperature a notch.

Hope that helps a little.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I am so sorry you're going through this and it does have a lot of similarities with BPD.  While we're not here to diagnose, that really doesn't help or hurt anything because the path forward is ultimately learning to communicate in a different way so it resolves conflict.


Hopefully you realize that this is a "you question" and not a "her question."  It's a great question to ask and it's an opportunity for you to grow as a person.  The answer, however, comes down to you handling conflict in a healthier way.

For instance, you mentioned that you're already overwhelmed.  From what?  Work, finances, a new baby...did I miss anything?  What can you do about each of those things to let go of some of that stress?  If it's money, then there's two potential answers- get a better job or budget your finances better.  If it's home life, then find a better balance that works for you.

It's common for those close to BPDs to also have mental health problems from the abundance of stress and the levels of conflict.  It leads to depression, anxiety, sleep problems, etc.  While you can't "control" your wife, you can control how you react to her and the bigger issues I just listed.  Eat better, get a healthy sleep routine, get in therapy to learn to let go of negative emotions and stress.  Get in the gym to work on getting healthy, which naturally boosts your mood and the ability to deal with the stuff at home.

What actually worked in my life was taking control of my life.  The buttons that my BPD ex and BPD daughter pushed, I learned to let go of that stuff and avoid the conflicts entirely.  I accepted that they were sick and I wasn't in control of that.  But I was in complete control over how I reacted and what I let get to me.


Let's flip this around.  I just gave you some pretty hard advice to swallow.  Honestly, how did you take it?  For most people, it doesn't go over well when you tell them that part of the problem is within them.  They get defensive or angry.  They push the blame right back to the other person.  So however you reacted to my advice, your wife will likely react 10x worse.

I said this earlier, but I'll say it again more directly.  Your wise is not "the problem".  How the two of you communicate and how you handle her mental illness is the actual problem.  You can't "fix" her and neither can a therapist or another professional.  Suggesting it is blaming her, and she does not react well to blame because she's mentally ill.

What you can do is meet her where she's at, show compassion for her struggles, and learn to avoid the worst of the conflict by communicating in a different way.  It is incredibly hard at first and it's not intuitive, but it ultimately solves both of your questions because it relies on you to make the necessary changes.  And that's good news because you control you.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

I’ve been with my wife for years. She has never been diagnosed with BPD, so I don’t want to diagnose her myself, but after years of trying to understand our relationship, a lot of the patterns seem consistent with BPD traits.
She is very high functioning in most areas of life. The problems are overwhelmingly in close relationships and become much worse under stress. We have had long periods where our relationship was genuinely good, particularly when life was less stressful. When stress increases, though, things can deteriorate dramatically.
Some of the patterns I see are intense reactions to relatively minor perceived slights, interpreting ordinary mistakes or disagreements as evidence that I don’t care/listen/respect her, difficulty accepting my perspective once she feels hurt, anger that seems disproportionate to what happened, and what feels like punishment or retaliation after she believes I have wronged her.
The retaliation is probably the hardest part for me. She sometimes acknowledges that she is deliberately doing something because she knows it will upset me. She might withdraw, slam a door, abruptly leave a conversation, swear at me, or continue pushing an issue after it is obvious that I am overwhelmed. It can feel like once she believes I have hurt her, hurting me back becomes justified.
Over the years she has also learned exactly what affects me most. I have become extremely reactive to some of these behaviors. Sometimes an incident that objectively isn't enormous sends me into a massive emotional and physiological reaction because it feels like the thousandth repetition of the same pattern.
We recently had a baby, and the additional stress has made things substantially worse again. One example: while I am soothing the baby, my wife will sometimes hover and give unsolicited instructions. If I cannot hear her over the white noise or don't respond correctly, it can become another conflict. I have noticed that I now sometimes become angry or anxious when the baby starts crying—not because I am angry at the baby, but because I am anticipating my wife intervening and another conflict beginning. I really hate that this dynamic is contaminating something as important to me as caring for my daughter.
I'm starting individual therapy because I need to learn to regulate myself better. I don't want my wife's behavior to have this much control over my emotional state. I want to be able to recognize when I'm being triggered, disengage, and recover without eventually boiling over after enough button-pushing.
My two main questions for people who have lived through something similar:
How did you learn to regulate yourself when your partner knew your vulnerabilities extremely well and continued pushing after you were already overwhelmed? What actually worked beyond generic advice like breathing exercises or “don't engage”?
Is there realistically anything you can do to help an undiagnosed, high-functioning partner recognize that they need professional help? I'm afraid even suggesting couples therapy will immediately become evidence that I think she is the problem, and suggesting that she individually needs help seems even less likely to go well.
I don't expect to change her myself. I'm trying to understand what I can actually control, what boundaries work when the other person doesn't necessarily respect them, and how to judge whether meaningful change is realistically possible.

Hi there,

The pwBPD in my life is female, but I have experience with undiagnosed NPD and also BPD traits in males.

I'd say there is a lot of overlap in the day-to-day manifestation.  I'm familiar with the over-the-top anger, blaming, misplaced aggression, going from 0-to-60 over nothing.  The entitlement, the constant need for attention and reassurance, the demandingness.  The manipulative tactics and need for control.  The semi-delusional thoughts and beliefs, the twisted narratives they tell, which easily turn into outright lying and/or false accusations.  The refusal to apologize or take any responsibility for harm that is caused.  Their feelings of being slighted, ignored, not special enough, not catered to enough by others, and lashing out to reclaim attention.  The rules for thee but not for me, plus the surveillance and attempts to control your every move.  The lack of emotional control and maturity, the low frustration tolerance, the self-centeredness, the apparent lack of empathy.  The unfair attempts to punish and exact retribution which are disproportionate to the offense you supposedly committed.  The insults which bear no relation to the conflict at hand.  And the effects on loved ones, who walk on eggshells trying to avoid another outburst, who feel trapped and wonder how on earth they ended up like this, a shadow of a former self, emotionally, financially and physically depleted.

I'm not aware of a "male" vs. a "female" version of BPD, except perhaps mirroring the traditional male/female traits and roles.  Males might be considered physically strong and more assertive, and so might use these traits to their advantage in a conflict.  The uNPD in my life would assert his dominance by brandishing weapons, bulking up and getting in your face, for example.  A male might be more concerned about his "honor" and status, and so might try to prevent you from interacting with any other men, let alone do anything to diminish his "status," such as earn more money or professional accolades.  But I think this sort of thing cuts both ways, because I think a woman can be equally "jealous" and accuse her male partner of disrespecting her, merely by glancing at another female.

Is he resistant to the concept of counseling or therapy?  If so, that's very common, regardless of gender.  The blaming and blame shifting, among many other traits raised to an unwelcome extreme, typically make getting sessions with a therapist and continuing them so very hard.

If he's not in productive therapy, then you're right, Boundaries are very important.  However, pwBPD traits, whether diagnosed or not, resist boundaries.  So the alternative - which sadly is not very intuitive - is that boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are protections for us when we need to determine a response to poor behavior.  A very simplistic example might be saying, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will or won't do ___."  So while we can't force someone to behave better, we can ensure they know that we can deal with poor behavior in one way or another.  We're not helpless nor do we need to be compliant, complicit or appeasing.

On our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have topics on Boundaries and so much more that are very helpful as we educate ourselves.

This is extremely helpful. It affirms some things I have processed with a therapist and also reminds me of the place of staying about her and not about me. That’s hard but I get it.   Thank you do much.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many elements of your story--false accusations, blaming, projection, withholding access to children as punishment, dredging up negative memories from childhood and twisting the narrative--are familiar here.  What you describe sounds a lot like BPD.

Rest assured that you did not cause BPD, and you are not responsible for your daughter's disordered thinking.  She'll blame you for all sorts of things, but that's her maladaptive way of coping.  Alas, since you didn't cause BPD, you can't make it better either, no matter how much you want to.  Only your daughter can do that.  But she's so busy blaming you, that she probably resists getting some help to turn her life around.

In the meantime, your daughter knows she has something you want--access to her son.  The more you beg and plead to see him, the more she'll use him to get back at you, to get concessions out of you.  Besides, if you frame anything in terms of YOUR emotional needs, your daughter is likely to take it the wrong way, as offensive and narcissistic of you.  You see, the only thing that matters to her is HER needs; adding yours on top is completely overwhelming.  If you are still communicating, then I'd recommend eliminating discussion about your needs entirely, and frame everything in a way that puts your daughter in the center.  One way to do this would be to frame a visit as a way to give your daughter a break, to do something special for her.

I know you are hurting.  You're aghast about the accusations of abuse of your grandson--your daughter has taken things too far, and she's becoming more delusional than ever.  The way I read the situation though is that your daughter is probably facing a ton of stress right now, and she's taking it out on you.  She's probably overwhelmed, as a single mom with a special-needs kid.  Maybe her son is getting more mobile and demanding, and she can't handle him as easily as when he was little.  Maybe she's depressed that her life is so hard, and she feels hopeless, that it will never get better for her.  She's entering middle age and feels let down by life.  She's not getting the attention and support she thinks she's entitled to.  Meanwhile, she's probably insanely jealous of her sibling, and how you seem to dote on her and her family.

I could be off base here; I'm just saying that, in my experience with BPD, acting out and inventing a narrative about past abuses are often triggered by an increase in current stresses and disappointments.  It's a maladjusted way of coping.  To your daughter, blaming parents seems easier than taking responsibility and doing the hard work of trouble-shooting.  In addition, AVOIDANCE tends to be a BPD way to cope.  When she's feeling overwhelmed, it's often easier to retreat from life, avoid dealing, avoid contact with others, while at the same time, punishing you with her absence (and access to her son).  I think of this as an "adult time out."  Together, I see these behaviors as a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  Does that make sense?

My guess is that your daughter will reach out again when she needs money or free babysitting.  I think I'd say, sit patiently, and try not to let negative thoughts take over.  You get busy with your life and get in a happy place so that when your daughter does reach out, you're calm and upbeat.

I’m brand new here.
I have a 40 year old daughter who has not been diagnosed with BPD. She has all of the signs of BPD and I have had professional therapy that is familiar and has helped me to understand it is likely based on all of her behavior.
She is a single mother with a 7 year old child who is on the autism spectrum and is non speaking. Her father, my husband, died of ALS when she was 14. It was very difficult. She was particularly close to him. I remarried someone who had lost his wife and in retrospect it was very hard for her as well. She and I had a pretty close relationship considering our different personalities until a few years ago when she started angrily lashing out at me  and her sister some, over many things about the past, etc. I have been an extremely devoted mom and now grandma. Bring a parent was a huge priority in my life. My older daughter has three children and we are all very close.
The very worst happened about a year and 1/2,ago when my younger daughter called and said that her son had written that my husband had abused her son and she recounted that he wrote this out about an incident when he was 21/2 or 3 when my husband was caring for him. We babysat a lot. She had been saying he communicated by writing and it was all inside.
His head and that was how he expressed. When I witnessed this it was very clear that he was not writing but she was, besides the fact that my husband is the last person who would do this. He loves her son, but my daughter has always been strange about it.
After that horrible accusation I managed to maintain an awkward relationship with this daughter and grandson by going and visiting along, seeking therapy to help me in talking with her, learning that this was not the true her and she was hurting deeply, and be very cautious.Some  visits it went okay and others she was in her angry, tense, accusatory place. A couple times I left abruptly. I have throughout affirmed my unconditional love for the two of them. For almost four months now I have not seen her or my grandson. My pain is sometimes unspeakable.
The last encounter I had with her, when I was leaving and  usually set the next date, it went downhill and something about
it all ‘sucks’ and how bad the year had been come up, she said, ‘but I’m  not the abuser, mom. And I lost my discipline and said , ‘oh yes you are, yes you are’  
She has not returned my requests for another date to visit and a recent more fervent request to come and see my grandson.
In many ways this has felt harder than the terminal illness of my husband. That was catastrophic but it was black and white   I knew what to do, had tremendous support, and the answers were clear

I feel tormented with worry, pain, grief, and continual trying to figure out how to help her or say the things to get her to help. I have offered therapy together countless times. She refuses and says it’s all my people etc.
I’m hoping perhaps this is a place that can bring some  understanding for me, and some relief.