I was married to my BPD ex for 25 years and dated her about two years before that.  We also had a BPD daughter together.  My ex was violent, unstable, and extremely entitled for many of the early years of the marriage.  She also bad-mouthed me to anyone who would listen and tried her best to turn our kids against me.

Of the things I just listed, what can I personally control?

The answer is "nothing", and that's why a boundary is ONLY about me.  If my boundary is about me and her, and she responds badly, then what do I have?  Nothing.  That's why is must be only about me.


Okay, so she's frantic.  Let her be.  I would walk away and allow her to be frantic all on her own.  My boundary for that is simple- I don't argue, I don't take abuse.  If I try to help her calm down and it fails, I walk away.

In other words, no matter what she does, I'm focusing on my boundary for my mental health.  She can do absolutely anything she wants; the decision is hers.  She gets to decide for herself and I get to decide for me.


Domestic violence is real and it's enforced pretty much worldwide.  Maybe nobody goes to jail, but the point is made nonetheless.  My boundary is that I don't argue, I don't accept abuse.  If you can't respect that and you won't let me leave, then I'm dialing 9-1-1.

However, see this for what is really is though.  I say to you, "I'm not arguing."  You keep arguing.  I try to walk away.  You don't let me walk away.  I reinforce what my boundary is, I'm not arguing and I'm choosing to walk away to avoid this.  You decide to get physical, or you start breaking things, or you threaten to harm me or yourself.  That's when 9-1-1 comes in.

Because look what happened.  My boundary is "I don't argue."  Either you accept that or it escalates.  The choices are all 100% yours and they have no bearing on my personal boundaries.  I'm going to choose not to engage though because my boundary does not depend on you.

Again, if I say, "I'm not going to argue anymore....ever....", then I can stand by that.  It has nothing to do with how much someone else yells, screams, or threatens harm.


Again, let them get triggered.  If your kids don't eat their vegetables but demand ice cream, do you just say, "Oh well, I have to make the kids happy so the heck with the rules?"  Of course not, you teach right from wrong.  And you do the exact same thing with a BPD spouse.

That one line sums it all up. It was exactly why I stopped chasing my ex when I finally realised our relationship wasn't going forwards, as a relationship should, but simply going in a circle that repeated endlessly.

BPD's tend to take it out on those they're closest to and not really want to break up - I know my ex came looking for me after her worst outburst but this time I'd just had enough and wasn't there.

Even if you know they don't really mean it, they're still doing it and will continue to do it.. abuse is still abuse no matter how its done. It all comes down to how much you're prepared to endure to keep the relationship.

Hi Pook075 ,

Do you have the experience that I described in my original post? It doesn't look like you do. I checked your very first message, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like your former wife was not trying to destroy your life, and instead she withdrew and ran away, right? I think your advice may fit well with your experience but not mine. And there are some things that I disagree with.

A boundary will never be about you only. Because it will always affect your partner in some way. And it must, because otherwise it won't be effective at all. Let me give an example. You want to leave the chat every time she offends you. If you leave, she will feel it. So you set an AI to keep talking to her after she has left so that she doesn't feel it. The problem there is that you have allowed her to create an unrealistic expectation about your attention, and next time it will be even harder to end the conversation.

But let's suppose you'll be honest with her, so instead of using AI, you try to communicate it nicely, with compassion, hoping that she will accept it (not get too angry). That may work with most BPD wives on most occasions, but in some cases, depending on her emotional state and motives, she will be so frantic about it that she won't be listening to you at all, and you won't be able to convince her, so she will get angry anyway, and that can escalate to self-harm or husband-harm. If you are both in the same house, then it will be too easy to just jump on your back and not allow you to sleep. Do you get it?

You did not say anything about enforcing boundaries, except in the end when you talked about calling 911. But that's like outsourcing the boundary enforcement to the government. That won't be an option unless she is putting someone's life at risk and you can prove it.

Stating that "BPD dysfunction stems from the fear of abandonment" may apply to your experience, but it certainly does not apply to all. The "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" criterion from the DSM is not even mandatory; it is optional. The core symptom is actually the emotional instability. This is why in the UK and Europe, BPD is often called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), which is an official term.

Anyway, my point is that the person with BPD may get triggered by any kind of "No" response that they get, depending on the interpretation that they do.

Let me give you a futile example. A couple of days ago, my wife heard the kids asking me for a coffee candy, and I gave one to each. So my wife asked me for a candy as well. I said "No", because she had been attacking me verbally for the entire day. I was not arguing back to her about anything, because I don't want the kids to hear any discussion. But still, she managed to get angry at me for saying "No". She got so angry, she got re-triggered and started it all over again.

The same happened today when she was preparing to go to therapy and asked me to put the power bank in the bag. I said "No, I have already given you the power bank just now, so you can put it in the bag", because it would be very easy for her to do it by herself, and again, she had been offending me badly since the day before. She then started lashing out again, had an anxiety crisis, and missed the therapy, which I had already paid for. All because she got a "No" to a trivial thing.

So should we just say "Yes" to everything? No, that would make us a slave and perhaps an enabler as well. What she needs is to set a boundary that she can't cross over. But I don't see how to do this when living together. Unless police and the judge are enforcing limits for her on your behalf.

Does that make sense?

I'm unclear whether this is an unofficial partnership or might be a legal union.  Perhaps your next post can be on the Conflicted/Separation board which is focused on those scenarios.  Meanwhile, just in case any of this applies, here are a few interim thoughts...

Very important, understand that intimacy can result in pregnancy.  With that in mind, take charge of what is in your power to avoid enabling her to avoid contraception methods.

Loose lips sink ships - a motto in WW2 days - applies at this time.  Your natural inclination is likely to share your updated plans.  Please be fully aware that sharing such information with her could give her the power to sabotage you.  Yes, all of us had "fair notice" inclinations but anytime we blurted poorly timed confessions, ouch, we paid the price.  First get your ducks in a row, only then you can ask your lawyer what you can say.

Same goes for interviewing and selecting a proactive, experienced family law attorney (lawyer or solicitor).  This is where it is smart - crucial - to do so privately and confidentially.  If you feel the urge to share anything with your spouse, consult your lawyer first.  Without fail.  (My divorce lawyer told me his first task was to sit on his new clients because anything they said without approval was likely to add to his billing.)

Setting aside the financial issues, it is good you have sessions with a psychologist or counselor.  BPD is a mental health disorder that greatly impacts close relationships.

One of the best handbooks we can recommend is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  The title speaks for itself.  Remember, this book is for you and your confidential reading.

Yes, she could have asked to take him out to have a snack with her instead. And she didn't have to buy food for both of you. It seems like she is finding an excuse to make you feel important, possibly as a way of pulling you back.

But if you are happy in your current relationship, then I hope you can keep it like that, in peace.

Thanks for answering my post Not Wendy, very good of you to take the time.

Yes he may be getting worse with age (we are both 77) but he has always been like this - with directions, travelling and watching shows. He was dyslexic as a young person and didn’t over come it and get educated until in his forties when I met him. He will sort of admit to high functioning autism and has told me he thinks his daughters are like this. The only time I tried to bring up BPD he said “I don’t like  those personality disorder definitions” He doesn’t like a lot of things or should I say almost everything.

As far as getting him assessed, this would be, I would say impossible. I can’t even get him to renew his heart pill prescriptions he should be taking as he had a triple bypass 3 years ago. He has Type 2 diabetes and started taking medication but again as the prescriptions ran out he won’t go back to the doctor to get them renewed. I try to see we eat as healthy as possible, but sometimes he’ll just do something crazy regarding sugar intake and then complain how he had dreadful sweats during the night and feels terrible. It isn’t easy living with him!!  this is an understatement.

He has taken a liking to my youngest grandson who is 22 months. . We’ve minded him 2 days a week since he was a baby and they both really love each other. It is amazing to see how he knows how to put the little ones’ interests before his own, yet cannot do it with anyone else.
Thanks to whoever is reading. It really does help to get it out doesn’t it?

Why not? Have you ever tried it?

Well, I'm talking from personal experience. I think that counts.

Thank you all ❤️. Your experience keeps me from trying to convince myself that now that my son has a great job with insurance. . that all will be magically better. I saw my therapist today and he looks right at me as says you are experiencing a lull for now but his issues will surface again. (I want to get sick - this lull has been nice even though my mind runs with worries)  Anyway, Pook and CC you are both aware I have been wanting nudge my son to get some tools such as dbt. I've tried to get time alone with him these last two weekends - even going to his house. It hasn't worked out. I shared that with my therapist and he mentioned I'm too invested emotionally in him taking my advice right now. That I need to focus on myself, my anxiety, setting boundaries with people and in situations which aren't too threatening. So that when my son reacts I will have that experience of pushing through discomfort and anxiety so I don't fold so easily. That seemed like wise advice.
Dav - I'm really glad you shared. I think we have the same son. Same words, demands, blame, foaming at the mouth. ..
This is a hard walk and I have to say I couldn't do it without all your support and knowing I'm not alone.

Hi there,

I can relate, as I have an adult BPD stepdaughter with some overlapping issues.  I'd say she hasn't been as high functioning as your daughter, but after getting intensive treatment, she's on a better path now.  Like your daughter, she obsesses over her looks--skin, weight, facial features, hair color.  She's spent significant time and money (which she hasn't earned herself) for cosmetic treatments.  At times she has been furious at her dad because he refused to pay for cosmetic procedures.  I wonder if she has a touch of narcissism alongside her BPD, as she is highly focused on looks and desperately wants to be admired.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you have been focusing on your daughter's romantic relationship, thinking her fiance is a prime source of your daughter's issues.  While it's true he could be a negative influence, by my reading, most everything you wrote about sounds like classic BPD.  I'll mention my stepdaughter again, as she has every single one of these issues, even though a romantic partner isn't in the picture at all:

*anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.)
*blaming others for everything wrong in her life
*significant problems with interpersonal relationships spanning all sorts of situations and timeframes--family, friends, romantic partners, other students, roommates, co-workers/bosses
*feeling insecure and lesser than others, especially siblings
*tantrums; she can "go off the rails" at any minute, over seemingly nothing
*she frequently needs to be rescued; though she's an adult, she can't quite seem to solve problems on her own
*though she's seemingly capable, she needs others to over-function for her and pay most if not all of her rent/tuition/health insurance/car/living expenses
*victim mentality
*estrangement from family members; blocking, periods of no contact
*clinginess; demandingness for unfaltering attention
*twisting facts to make herself out to be a victim
*hurling unfounded accusations at the people closest to her

In my opinion, this has nothing to do with your daughter's fiance and everything to do with BPD.  Your daughter's choices typically aren't driven by logic, planning or foresight, but by intense, unmet emotional needs and super-sized reactions.  Indeed your daughter seems high-functioning, because she is pursuing an advanced degree and has maintained a serious romantic relationship for an extended time period.  And yet, she is beset by negativity, she has misplaced anger, and her relationships seem dysfunctional.

In my opinion, the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her own life.  She expects everyone to change and cater to her relentless needs.  She has volatile emotional outbursts and blames others for all her problems, while she conveys her distress through verbal lashings out, punctuated by cutting people out of her life.  That thinking and behavioral pattern sets herself up for constant instability in her life.  It can lead to dysfunction, marked by a trail of bad decisions and ruptured relationships.

As a parent, what do you do?  First off, know that you are not to blame.  Second, understand that you are not responsible for your daughter's feelings--she is.  Third, you need to try to stop enabling bad behavior.  I think that pwBPD can be slow learners, because their thinking is all over the place, and mostly negative.  Further, they are used to people around them over-functioning for them, in the name of keeping them from harm.  Thus bad behavior has some perverse incentives--it seems that the more she acts out, the more attention/money/concessions/help she gets!  I think you need to start letting your daughter face the natural consequences of her decisions; otherwise, she'll never learn.  If she goes off the rails in an angry rant, disengage without blaming/JADEing and give her a time out to calm down (e.g. "I need a break and will talk later").  If she disenrolls from university, fine, you respect that decision, but she has to start making payments on her student loans.  If she breaks up with her boyfriend, fine, she'll have to find another living situation herself.  If she sets a wedding date, great, that's her choice, and you treat her fiance with as much respect as you can muster.  She's an adult, and she needs to live in the "real world" to learn how the "real world" works.  She won't listen to your advice anyway, because there's too much blame and emotional baggage there.  I'd say, for now, don't give her any advice unless she asks for it.  You see, your role needs to transition from one of provider/nurturer to cheerleader/trusted adviser, because that's what should happen when your kids reach adulthood.  In the meantime, you focus on living your life.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  How does that sound?

Hello everyone. I can’t believe I have missed all your wonderful and helpful posts. I never received any notification of a response to my original thread before today.

My daughter is now 23. Somehow we managed to get her through college (she just graduated in December) but in between this time there has also been therapists, meds, psychiatrists a couple car accidents and a dwi. To say it’s been overwhelming and depressing is an understatement. I’m a single parent an her dad is not very involved in her life which is much of the issue. He lives down the road but despite having Carte Blanche to her life he’s at best a once every couple months ice cream uncle. She’s back home for the last two days since graduation and it has become incredibly difficult. My own health feels like it’s suffering.

To answer someone question, yes I have heard of Nami and neabpd. I have taken the three months parent course, learned the skills and also now feel like I need to right the ship again.  I am not an estranged mother but would love to speak to those ladies so whoever gave me that phone number, thank you so much.

I need parent support desperately. I may create my own in the area. I’m in north Texas so if you need a group let me know.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses.