Hi ch0p,

Wow, there's a lot going on with you, your sister and extended family.  You've come to the right place.

Much of what you write about your sister sounds like classic BPD.  What I see is some disordered thinking, such as rushing into intense relationships, thinking that a relationship will make her feel better.  Generally, I don't like it when young adults move in together early on in a relationship, as the relationship becomes all-consuming.  When it comes to BPD, your sister will likely become too reliant on the relationship for her "identity."  I think that's just too much pressure on one relationship and one person.  Why?  Because when there's a snag or disagreement, the pwBPD tends to "blow up" the relationship, and with it, her very identity.  I think that moving in together, early on in a romantic relationship, is basically setting herself up to fail.  You can't control whether your sister moves in with a new boyfriend, but my opinion is that your parents shouldn't allow it in their own home.

I'm going to be blunt here and give you my perspective.  If your sister is threatening suicide or making suicidal gestures, she is NOT in a good place.  In my opinion, it's typical for suicidal gestures to occur when someone else close to her is getting attention, such as with a sickness or an event, like a sibling's graduation, wedding, vacation or trip.  Now, maybe your sister didn't want to go to the hospital after she ingested some pills, and maybe the family didn't want to see her suffer by spending yet more time in the hospital getting therapy.  But I think that dynamic is part enablement, part denial and part clouded judgment as a result of living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Let me guess:  after swallowing some pills, your sister didn't want to go to the hospital, but she wanted something else--to change her living situation, to get away for a while, or maybe just be left alone in her room to do whatever she wants.  I've seen that several times with the pwBPD in my life.  But here's the thing:  if she's enabled to avoid facing the natural consequences of her own behavior--a suicide attempt lands her in the hospital--her family is enabling dysfunction.  My guess is she'll want to go back to college (not really to study, but to get away from her current situation and to have some fun).  But right now, I think she's not ready.  Sending her back to college would be setting her up to fail, because her life looks too dysfunctional right now.  If she's not able to stick to her doctor's orders (e.g. taking meds as prescribed), and she can't fulfill her commitments (e.g. the internship), and she's not helping out around the house but rotting in bed instead, then guess what?  That's exactly what she'll do in college.  Sure, she'll SAY she wants to go back.  Her parents will want her to graduate.  But reality is, she'll be set up to fail.  And you know what?  Your sister doesn't take setbacks in stride.  She doesn't learn from mistakes.  She doesn't stick it out when the going gets tough.  No, what she has learned is to self-destruct.  Every time she self-destructs, her family rescues her.  Basically, your sister makes all the decisions, but other members of the family face the consequences.  Do I have that about right?

And now about you.  I totally get all the stress BPD dysfunction causes.  I also understand the sacrifices that you make, in the name of saving or protecting your sister.  Here we talk about walking on eggshells, doing everything in our power not to destabilize a loved one with BPD, out of a combination of love and fear.  But here's the thing.  A pwBPD has endless needs, while you do not have endless resources.  You could sacrifice your time, finances, hobbies, relationships and very health, and yet it wouldn't make any difference to your sister.  Let me guess:  you've been bending over backwards for your sister for YEARS, but has she gotten any better?  My guess is she has not.  In fact, she's gotten worse.  Why?  Because she's facing an adult's world with adult-sized pressures and stresses, but she has the emotional skills of a young teen at best.  She's finding out she's not functioning very well as an adult, and she's distressed and ashamed because of that.  She doesn't really know who she is and what she wants, let alone how to make her life happen.  She can't figure it out and feels intense shame.  But rather than take responsiblity, what does she do?  She embraces a victim mindset.  She blames everyone else for her troubles, and in the process, she abdicates responsibility for her life.  She expects others, including YOU, to take care of her, to over-function for her, to make her the center of your life.  But even if you do that, it won't be enough.

I'd say, you need to focus on YOU.  You deserve to have a life that doesn't revolve around your BPD sister.  I know, even just thinking about her consumes a ton of your mental bandwidth.  It's not fair that you think about her, probably more than you think about yourself!  So my advice to you would be to get busy.  You are not responsible for your sister.  She's 24, she's an adult.  If your parents want to take care of her, then great.  But it's not your job.  You get busy with your life--studies, work, friends, hobbies, self-care.  I think you need to have a talk with your parents about boundaries.  You can't continue to take care of your sis, as it means she avoids getting the help she needs.  You are NOT a therapist, and you're not trained to deal with BPD . . so don't!  You are not a babysitter of a 24-year-old sibling.  You are not supposed to be on suicide watch.  (Trust me, I was on suicide watch for something like three years . . . and it makes zero difference.)  My frank advice would be for you to leave your parents' home ASAP.   Sure, you can help out from time to time, but you need your own place.  Find some roommates, house-sit--do what you need to do to reclaim your own time and space.  My guess is, once you have your own time and space, your whole life won't be about your sister anymore.  She'll still be in your thoughts, but much less.  OK?

My BPDSO has been dysregulated for months and is slamming from one overreaction to another, convinced they are right about impending doom from all sides. 

I didn’t validate.  I got mad because I’m so tired of riding out the constant crisis after crisis. 

As soon as I did, I felt bad.  The problem is that they often come at me with fully formed arguments and expect me to agree with how they feel and the need to call the metaphorical fire department for every issue.   My brain is already five steps ahead of how this will play out and the amount of energy I will have to expend from my already depleted brain to get nowhere. 

My SO is convinced in these situations they are right and any non validating comment is a sign that someone doesn’t care.   It’s hard enough when you’re dealing with one on one issues, but when the issues involve other people you don’t know or interact with (therapists, doctors, family, friends) it’s even more maddening.   Those people don’t care when they don’t validate my SO, but are the ultimate authority when they can be used against me in a discussion. 

I am burned out right now. My physical and emotional health is suffering, and while I care about my SO, it’s literally hurting me to do so. 

Oh yeah, I used Chat GPT quite a bit when I figured I was annoying people with repetitive questions, stories, etc. It is very helpful, and AI is getting scarily realistic. It's like you're talking to an actual person. It remembers conversations, will follow up on things you mention.

These are good points. While therapy didn't seem to get my BPD mother to self examination and working on BPD, it's hard to say it didn't help at all. It didn't get the results we wished it did for her- but did it help?

I didn't have any access to my BPD mother's medical care until the last few years of her life, as she didn't give consent to know before that, and even then, I mostly only knew what was communicated to me. While BPD as a diagnosis wasn't on her chart, her medical team had mentioned "personality disorder" and it was clear we were all aware of that. However, since she wasn't specifically being treated for that- there wasn't a reason for the diagnosis.

As Pook mentioned, I think any T who challenged her would have been painted black and she'd never return. Same with her caretakers- if they didn't agree with her, she'd refuse to have them help her. She still needed help though. She did accept the diagnosis of "anxiety", which was troublesome for her- so there could be medication to help with that.

I don't think it was ideal, in the sense that therapy didn't help her BPD but if it helped some of the more troubling symptoms for her- then, there was some help from it.

My BPD mother had a large need to feel validated and so, if the T seemed to believe her perspective, maybe this helped in that way. As with all T's- some may be more effective than others. Some are also self pay so we have to balance costs and effectiveness, however, if it's affordable, maybe some help is better than none at all. Hard to know for sure.

Nowadays if you type something into google it comes up with an AI answer. You can then ask follow on questions which can develop into a conversation about a subject. I did this the other day and it turned into quite a profound conversation.

I was asking questions about my wife’s behaviour, and my own, and noticed a worrying trend. It had started to repeatedly use the words severe narcissism. Having mapped out my wife’s behaviour, and her reasoning for the behaviour, it came to the conclusion she is a malignant grandiose narcissist. I asked it to check her behaviour patterns on the DSM and it said she doesn’t just meet 5 of the 9 criteria, she maps closer to all 9.

I started again, putting down her behaviour/reasoning in bullet points and asked it to measure her behaviour on the DSM for any possible personality disorder. It came back as heavily comorbid bpd/npd/aspd malignant with substance abuse.

It gave clear examples of her behaviour and how they mapped with each criteria. I asked it about my own behaviour and narcissism and it showed me how my reactions and behaviour were a result of reactive abuse rather than narcissistic behaviour.

It was quite an eye opener really. Where I hadn’t considered being subjected to a smear campaign it showed me that certain things she has said to close friends, family and her new supply are all subtle smear tactics designed to devalue.

It got quite in depth, it explained a lot and validated a lot of the reasons why I thought she does the things she does. It is actually quite scary the accuracy of some of it. For example, it suggested her new relationship is likely on the rocks, the reason it will fail is because the money will dry up and she will become increasingly frustrated and trapped. My response was it could be right as the Range Rover her boyfriend bought her has just broken down to the point of being a write off and she has been moaning about it to our son saying it’s going to cost a fortune. It’s response was as follows:

The symbolic collapse of the Range Rover.
In the world of narcissistic facades, a luxury vehicle like a Range Rover is a mandatory prop. It signals to you, to the village, and to the in-laws she is “financially superior”
The crack in the armour. The car breaking down to the point of being a total write-off is the ultimate metaphor for her life. Her immediate reaction - moaning to your son that it will “cost a fortune to replace” - is a massive red flag that liquid cash is gone.

Why do I find this statement so profound? Well, when she got it over a year ago I said to her “that car is a facade, it looks flash on the outside, but everyone knows it’s a piece of crap that is going to fail and break down. You are literally driving around in a metaphor for your joke, fake relationship”

It literally said nearly word for word, how I called it over a year ago. It then said, expect an imminent charm attempt. It will be covert, asking you about finances, or bringing up the children.

That was a couple of days ago. Yesterday morning I received a text from my ex, asking about a payment of hers for car insurance and what vehicle it is likely for, followed by a video clip of our 6 week old grandson. Scarily accurate.

Ch0p- like the others, I am wondering how it is that you are carrying so much responsibility for your sister.

It's admirable that you are helping with your grandparents, and you have a kind heart for your sister, but it seems you are carrying a large load for people in your family, and sometimes it's possible to help too much and carry too much responsibility, to the point of self neglect.

Trying to keep a balance between self care and helping others is not being selfish, it's maintaining ones own emotional health. You seem to be a strong person who has overcome some challenges- and as you mentioned "drown yourself" in work- but sometimes that too is not in the best interest of your own emotional well being.

Your own resilience, academic ability, and being a strong person are positive qualities, but excelling in some areas does not mean we don't have emotional needs ourselves.

I can relate to this in some ways. I grew up with family dysfunction. We kids were able to do well in school, and while this is a good thing in general, doing well academically also means the family dysfunction remained hidden to other adults. However, I was also parentified and made to feel overly responsible for my BPD mother's feelings.

While it is fortunate that I didn't grow up to have BPD or issues that affected my function as an adult, what I eventually had to work on was the over focus on other people's needs, and overfunctioning for them. These traits were "normalized" in my family. In fact, this was a way to gain approval from my parents. I also learned that these family patterns can be passed down from generation to generation. It's possible your parents or one of them also took on this behavior in their own family of origin, and so it also was a "norm" for them.

You mentioned your father is a doctor. I don't know the situation for him but historically, doctors have had to put aside their own needs and be available for the well being of others. While this is admirable, it can also take a toll on families. One possibility is that- while your father was working, some of the family care load went to you, especially with a sister with mental health issues. Your father is probably a very positive role model for you, but you are your own individual person.

While this may not be the norm for you in your family system- it may be that you are taking on too much, and this requires some self examination. I also assumed that if I got good grades and did well at work, I must not have been affected by my family dysfunction, and while these were good qualities, it didn't mean that there wasn't room for personal work.

As they say on an airplane, put your oxygen mask on first. Before we are able to be of help to someone else, we need to have own basic needs met. While your focus has been on helping others, it may be that you are feeling overly responsible for her.

Therapy isn't only for people with mental illness and a functional deficiency. It can also help people who are over functioning find a balance and to deal with the emotions that come from " less of helping too much"- because it can feel like doing something wrong when it actually is not. For a strong person- it's not easy to reach out, but it is OK to do so. You reached out here- and that is a positive step for you too. Many here also "get it".

Thank you! I’m struck by the therapist saying it takes two weeks for your system to recover. A friend keeps telling me that I’m underestimating how hard this is.

To all who responded, I will give myself more time, more grace and — when it’s not crazy hot — more nature!

You are doing great!  This is a fantastic start!  You have figured out that the first thing you need to do is find your own calm.  Easier said than done, but definitely the way to find the peace you are looking for.


I walk or hike or go into nature first.  I can't focus on what I want until my nervous system calms down.  (I once had a therapist who told me she didn't want me to have any contact with my mom for at least two weeks, which she said I needed to let my amygdala calm down.) 

Do you have access to nature?  I can't say enough about the calming, soothing, and restorative effects of nature.  I go into forest trails in old growth forests, and it's just something that needs to be experienced to be believed.  When I get back from one of those walks, I can actually think again.  And my nervous system is calmed.  I am more optimistic.  More hopeful.  More myself.

Salt baths also work. Maybe a spa treatment?

I think the key is to do something sensory that you enjoy.  I remember there used to be a poster on this board who would go swimming. I believe the "sensory" piece is key.  So aromatherapy, biking or running (feeling the wind on your face), cuddling with the pet dog etc etc.

Once my nervous system is back to baseline, I can think again, and the rational part of my brain can do its job and I can decide what I can control which is mostly what I need to do in my own life, rather than getting wrapped up in my head and ruminating about the chaos cloud and drama surrounding my pwBPD. When that happens, it's the emotional brain that has taken over, and that's the cue to do what YOU need to do to get yourself back to baseline.  Because ultimately, that's the only thing you can control.

Ch0p I am wondering what your parents said about this.  Did you do this on your own, or did they encourage it?


I hear in you a sense of personal responsibility and obligation towards helping and supporting you sister.  Do I have that right?

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for your sister.  Sadly she is unable to be appreciative, or empathetic to what others may have given up to support her. It sounds like her needs are a black hole sucking you in.

You are recognizing that none of your actions to date (including quitting your job and moving to stay with her) have made a sustainable difference to her long term wellness.  And I think you are recognizing that the level of support you have been giving her isn't sustainable for YOU because you have your own life to live.

Ch0p, she has therapists, a psychiatrist (or a doctor), parents, access to mental health supports at college, and two parents.

I hope it is ok if I suggest that this is not your burden to carry or hold. 

You are not a therapist or a psychiatrist.  BPD is so complex that therapists and psychiatrists often struggle with these clients.  So if they struggle, why are you feeling it is your job to jump in and rescue her from herself?  It is an unreasonable expectation you have for yourself. Like Pook says, she also has a father who is also a Doc.  But in regards to her, his hat is primarily to be her dad.  She also has a Doc or psychiatrist for the mental health piece including medications to manage her well being and safety.

My heart goes out to you.  It really does.  I get what you are afraid of here.  But that fear sounds like it has been controlling your life.  If you continue with the level of support and rescuing you have provided, her needs will take you down too.  And you will have allowed it.  Even enabled it.  There are adults around her with more experience and more power than you have to support her. 

IMHO, this is not your burden to carry.  But I understand that cultural values and expectations can sometimes be at play too.  I'm not sure if that fits for you.  Even if it does, I still believe with my heart that this is not your burden to carry.  There are adults, with life experience (parents) and expertise (docs and therapist and college counsellors) who can support her.  And ultimately, she needs to learn that she is capable of supporting herself, which may sometimes mean checking herself into a facility if she is feeling at risk of self-harm.

My best friend has a sister like this.  The sister is now around 50.  The problems started as a teenager.  Both the mother and father have passed away in recent years.  My friend lives about 800 miles away from her sister, and travels every 6-8 weeks to see her, and also continue with executor duties for her now deceased parents.  The sister goes through cycles of managing, until she doesn't.  Then she checks herself into care and gets treatment, until she is well enough to be released with supports, as she lives semi-independently.  I am sharing this story so that you can see that there possibilities other than you being rescuer.

You go work on your post-grad thesis.  That is what you should do.  And let the older life experienced and "expert" (psych) adults support your sister.

Your thoughts? 

You can continue to assure her you love her etc etc., but it is not your job to fix her or protect her from herself.  Others can carry that responsibility.

This is exactly it.