Hi Solaris,

I'm sorry you've been through all this.  I see a few things going on here.  First, I agree with the other posters, that him "flipping" is a common feature of BPD--suddenly going from idolization/idealization to hatred/detestation.  He is a personality of extremes--his reactions are extreme, and he has extreme, volatile relationships with other people.  If he isn't getting from you what he wants when he wants it, well then you are probably evil in his eyes.

Another thing I see is projection.  That's a classic move from a pwBPD--going from the defensive to the offensive.  Now it's YOU who is the abuser, the addict, the one who needs professional help, not him.  You're the one who starts the fights, not him.  You need to change, not him.  You need to apologize and atone, not him.  This tactic of projection and thinly veiled blaming is so common that if you read between the lines, you can often see what's really bugging your partner.  That's because he's ruminating about his own troubles so much, that he practically wears a rut in his brain, and everything he perceives in the world is processed through that well-worn track in his brain.  These troublesome feelings eventually emerge as projections or accusations.  Thus he'll proclaim, "You're the addict, and you're so abusive that you drive me to use illicit substances, you ruined my life, I can't stand it anymore, it's all your fault!"  Does that sound about right?

Finally, what I see is that you have been traumatized.  My guess is that you're constantly in fight-or-flight survival mode, and you're probably not thinking clearly, let alone acting like your normal self.  You might be operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which is clouding your judgment.  You might even be losing your sense of self.  That's understandable, when your partner is dysregulated and being abusive to you.  It's not fun having to call the cops.  I'd recommend that you take a time out, to get to a calmer place before deciding what to do.  Then you can figure out next steps.  In the grand scheme of things, moving to a new apartment might be a small price to pay for your own sanity.  My opinion is that an apartment is just an apartment--there are millions of other ones out there.  But there's only one Solaris.  You take care of Solaris first and foremost.

I'll wrap up with a reality check.  You might think back to a time before you met your partner.  Were you lost back then?  Was your life mostly functional?  Were you engaged with studies, a job, taking care of family?  Did you have some close friends and fun times?  Did you practice some hobbies?  Were you generally going in a positive direction?  Though you experienced some setbacks, you persevered and got over them?  That's the real you, when you're not traumatized.  Please don't let your disordered partner convince you otherwise.

Hey Victor,

That’s a tough spot to be in, especially after you finally opened up and let yourself show up fully. Anyone would feel pulled and confused here.

What stands out is how fast things moved from deep connection back into distance. That kind of push/pull can feel really powerful, but it also makes it hard to feel steady.

It doesn’t sound like you scared her away. It sounds more like the intensity became hard for her to hold.

At the same time, you went from holding back… to offering something real and consistent. That’s not small. And now you’re left in the uncertainty while she checks in just enough to keep the connection alive, but not enough to build anything on.

I wonder what you need here to feel secure and valued.

You don’t sound like an idiot. You sound like someone who cared and took a real risk.

I've posted a few times in the past - the last time I posted I had met with an attorney and everything, but got sucked back in. The short story is I made the mistake of confiding in my coworkers about her behavior (they were women) and she found the texts while I was sleeping and guilted me, had a full meltdown etc, so I stayed. I stayed another year and 3 months (til now).

Me, my uBPDw, my 2 step daughters, and my 2 children were supposed to go to Italy with her parents next week. She cancelled just me and my kids tickets because she searched my sons room and found his journal, where he wrote that his step mom gets mad about things really fast and bottles things up. Because of that, I got blamed for his perception, and our trip was cancelled.

She doesn't know it, but I have an attorney, house for rent, and movers lined up for when they are gone next week.

I am currently working telehealth and getting HAMMERED with text messages. I just keep telling her she is right. She has hit me before, broken things, thrown herself on the ground, everything you could think of in the past. I'm just trying to stay calm and tell her she's right. I have to get to next week.

I am going to be moving out, blocking her number, and filing for divorce next week. This hurts and is more confusing than anything I've ever gone through. It took me years of trying to reach this point and have the opportunity to safely do so.

I will not have contact with her again outside of attorneys

This is so surreal. Last week I had everything calm.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm also really glad that you found us and so many here have had similar experiences.  I can't imagine how you're feeling after the whirlwind of the past few weeks.

What it sounds like you're describing is a term called "splitting", where someone with BPD sees things in absolutes while they're unstable.  If you've had arguments where he's said, "You've never stuck up for me" or "You're always blaming me for <bla bla bla>", that's a great example of splitting where they see things in black and white, or good and bad.  This happens at the start of the relationship (everything about you is perfect/good) and in these moments where they're at their worst (you're a bad person out to hurt them).

BPDs almost always have a favorite person (all good, of course) and they can do no wrong.  Then there are many people they cast out of their lives because they're labeled "bad people".  And these titles can flip-flop often during instability.

I think when you called the police, his good/bad switch was flipped and you suddenly became the enemy.  Again, that's not a permanent thing though, and sometimes splitting lasts for minutes or hours.  Being in that mindset is what's sending him on his current path of questioning everything and wondering if it's worth it to return to the relationship.

That also jives with him lashing out and blaming you for his own behavior recently.  Again, black and white thinking...with no grey areas (which is where we actually are, none of us are all good or all bad).

What's this mean for you?  That's a much easier answer.  Take this time to regroup and recharge, while focusing on your own mental health without the outside noise.  See where it leads and allow yourself to be honest with what you really need for things to work in the relationship.  In short, it's time to heal and let go of all that past hurt.

P.S.

The pwBPD in my life shares that sort of thinking, which shows some narcissistic traits (on top of BPD).  I used to call it her "magical" thinking.  Granted, she's pretty, and that's a wonderful gift.  However, given her disordered BPD and narcissistic thinking, she believed she'd be "discovered" as a top model or top online influencer, and she dreamed of living a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle.  She seemed entitled to it, as if she expected others to make her wildest dreams come true, for example by setting her up in a luxe apartment and paying for her travel abroad.  Thus she set herself up to be continuously disappointed.  The disappointment quickly turned to anger, even rage, directed at others who failed to make these dreams come true for her.  Most of all, she refused to take responsibility for herself.  This looks like blaming others for ruining her life.  She's constantly mad that she doesn't get what she wants.  Now she wants plastic surgeries to change her physical features, and she has asked her dad to pay for them.  At one point it sounded like she expected him to pay as compensation for making her look the way she did.  And the irony is, I think she's beautiful, she shouldn't change a thing, and even if she did, she still wouldn't be a model, not even close.  She doesn't have the personality(!), and she's far too old, short and heavy (in model terms) anyway.  Plus she couldn't handle the lifestyle, with all the rejection, critiques and stressful routines.  She seems oblivious to the actual work that famous people do.  It's the classic black-and-white thinking, where she idealizes the Princess life while disparaging the lives of "normal" people.  Does that ring any bells?

The narcissim manifests in some beguiling ways.  One example is during a job search.  The pwBPD in my life seems to think that certain jobs are beneath her.  She doesn't want to start at the bottom; she wants to skip a few rungs and get paid a lot, and yet she doesn't want a "stressful" job, either.  Her resume lists more aspirations and exaggerated roles than actual accomplishments and credentials.  In some regards she lied outright on her resume (for example saying she was a candidate for an advanced degree without having taken any classes yet, let alone be accepted into a program).  But I suspect that in her mind, if she wants something, it's the truth?  Or maybe she thinks, everyone lies on their resume, and she should, too?  Her online profile lists "moving to New York," but she hasn't done anything to move to New York yet.  Does this sound like your Sis?  I think it's the magical, narcissistic thinking coming through.  There's some identity confusion as well.

Hi Sunny,

I commend you for making it through a disordered childhood and showing great success in adulting, including getting your own car and holding down a full-time job.  It must feel like deja vu landing back with your disordered sister, and now in a messy home as well.  Sometimes I think that a messy environment is a physical manifestation of a disordered mind--chaotic, non-functional, disagreeable, wasteful, overall a very negative vibe.  A home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a toxic waste dump.

Is there any way to get your own place?  Your mom and sis are adults, they are responsible for themselves, not you.  It sounds to me like you deserve your own space right now, and that it could go a long way to giving you some peace.  Could you find another roommate--not somebody with BPD and hoarding tendencies?  Could you find a temporary house-sitting situation while you look for a better living situation?

It's possible your mom and sis have a plan to compel you provide for them the rest of their lives, and they might be guilting you into it, leveraging your "golden child" status.  I'd say, you're 26, you're the boss of you, not your mom, not your sis.  You might feel guilty for going your own way and "abandoning" them.  But here's the thing--it sounds to me like they don't have your best interests in mind.  It sounds like they are exploiting your good nature.  They are supposed to look out for you, but they can't, probably because they've been traumatized, just like you.  You've got to be the one to save yourself.  I think you have to put yourself first right now, because nobody else is going to do that.  How does that sound?

My understanding is that it’s very tough for a person with BPD to accept responsibility for their actions because of the high level of shame they feel.  The more pressure to take responsibility in my experience, the more they’re likely to lash out at you, change the subject (often to something you’ve done wrong in their eyes, no matter how long ago), or when all else fails, switch to guilt.   

Shades of gray are tough for them.  You are the hero or the villain. 

At times, my partner has done a scary thing where it’s like an acting exercise, snapping from tears, to screaming, to bloodchilling calm anger, and then answering a phone call like nothing was going on seconds before.   So flipping and acting different is definitely something I’ve seen.

I've been in this position a few times with my BPD daughter and it's never any easier.  I learned over time that I had to find a balance between "what's best for her" and "letting her learn from her own consequences."  Sometimes, it's better for her to make critical mistakes and have everything fall to pieces, because at least then she realizes that she needs to take mental health seriously.

If your child refuses the help that you've arranged, then let her do whatever she wants to do.  Let her live the life that leads to catastrophic consequences and she'll learn just the same.  After enough of that, she might realize that you do have her best interests at heart and actually heed some of your advice.

I think we resort to yelling when we have just had so much of the behavior and are frazzled. I don't think we have intentions of being rude, or mean, it's more out of distress and after we've tried to respond calmly but can't seem to get through to them.

Pook has a point about disordered people thinking differently. We learn certain rules about boundaries early on. We wouldn't think of doing work on someone's house without their permission, and we asume others think like that too. So when someone violates a boundary out of the blue, it takes us by surprise.

I also don't like to yell at people, and it's rare that I do it but it's usually out of exasperation- like how can I get through to this person? I find that it works for a while to get them to stop,  but I don't like that I did it.

Hi kind of Alone,

If it helps, I think you did the right thing. You had the opportunity (rightly or wrongly in her eyes) to step in and help your dd.

Of course she will be blaming you right now as to be expected and applying the guilt on you, but where she is now is better than being locked up and hopefully somewhere down the line she will end up thanking you.