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 81 
 on: November 18, 2025, 11:45:42 AM  
Started by Eagle7 - Last post by Me88
Quote from: Eagle7 on November 18, 2025, 11:19:09 AM
Thanks Pook And Me88 for the replies. 
 The things that point to BPD are:
-- her long history of sabatoging every close relationship she starts to develop. 
-- poor self worth /unlovable self-image
-- withdrawal from/rejection of emotional intimacy whenever we start to develop it (despite her insistence that she desperately needs intimacy)
-- her position, despite all this, that any problem in our relationship is 100 percent my fault
-- mind-reading behavior,  i.e. inability to accept my validation of her feelings unless I completely capitulate to her perception of what's going on in my thoughts (true or not)
-- her childhood history of neglect and SA

There's more indications, but that's a partial list. I don't think her therapist is correctly dealing with or diagnosing her. We've had couples therapy, multiple times, but she always walks away from it whenever the T hones-in on what her issues might be that are problematic, because, again "I'm the one, and the only one who has a problem."

I'll be digging through the archives, but any pointers would be great.  I'll look into the JADE technique, I haven't heard of that.  Thanks again.

don't you love that everything is your fault? and yeah, you can't validate them. Anything you say isn't good enough and you're expected to just know. Has to be spoken exactly how they want to hear it. And forget about apologies, your apologies to them have to be point by point and address everything they perceive.

Does she have any other diagnoses? On medications for depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar? Most of these people tend to have multiple mental health issues.

 82 
 on: November 18, 2025, 11:19:09 AM  
Started by Eagle7 - Last post by Eagle7
Thanks Pook And Me88 for the replies. 
 The things that point to BPD are:
-- her long history of sabatoging every close relationship she starts to develop. 
-- poor self worth /unlovable self-image
-- withdrawal from/rejection of emotional intimacy whenever we start to develop it (despite her insistence that she desperately needs intimacy)
-- her position, despite all this, that any problem in our relationship is 100 percent my fault
-- mind-reading behavior,  i.e. inability to accept my validation of her feelings unless I completely capitulate to her perception of what's going on in my thoughts (true or not)
-- her childhood history of neglect and SA

There's more indications, but that's a partial list. I don't think her therapist is correctly dealing with or diagnosing her. We've had couples therapy, multiple times, but she always walks away from it whenever the T hones-in on what her issues might be that are problematic, because, again "I'm the one, and the only one who has a problem."

I'll be digging through the archives, but any pointers would be great.  I'll look into the JADE technique, I haven't heard of that.  Thanks again.

 83 
 on: November 18, 2025, 11:13:25 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Me88
I truly have not spoken to her once since it ended 11 months ago. I made sure to block and delete every access point. I can't at work. She just orbits me though. I don't think she'd reach out...yet or maybe ever. After her telling everyone I hit her and all sorts of other lies, then calling the police on me, she'd look absolutely foolish if she ever wanted to reconnect.

Yeah my boss is checking out. She's had some really bad family emergencies and is almost 70. She has taken extended leave this year, a month at a time here and there and leaves me in charge of the service. I am a second line supervisor right now and her job would be nice and the pay would be great...but I just cannot be around my ex. I feel so betrayed, so belittled, so broken by that whole situation. It was truly hell, as we all know. And that woman does not deserve to see me, look me in my eyes, or share air with me ever again.

 84 
 on: November 18, 2025, 11:07:01 AM  
Started by Eagle7 - Last post by Me88
Keep in mind that even if they decide to get therapy, there is a good chance it may not work. My ex had a psychiatrist and psychologist for many years, was on a handful of medications for adhd/anxiety/depression, and it was not enough. Nothing could ever help her see her emotions, anger and outright abuse was anything but my fault. Add in reactive abuse from me, and everything became justified and I was a villain to her and everyone she shared one sided stories with.

I second working on your communication style. I failed at that, because I could not empathize with made up stories, twisted scenarios and her abuse. I couldn't find it in myself to understand and acknowledge her pain when I was on the receiving end of horrible treatment.

Look up the JADE argument technique. I'm sure you do it, and it is a sure way to make things explode...even when you are 100% in the right.

 85 
 on: November 18, 2025, 10:58:49 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Pook075
Quote from: Me88 on November 18, 2025, 10:53:53 AM
I'm actively searching and now that the government is open I look all the time. I have some very good contacts at a neighboring research facility looking out for me. I think there's a few positions in the pipeline. It would be a lateral move, but I'll take that for peace.

It absolutely keeps everything fresh in some ways. I'm absolutely much better than I was initially, but it just doesn't actually disappear. What I don't like is nothing has really changed for me; live in the same home we shared, I have our same pets, same bed, same job...nothing changed other than I'm single, yet have to worry about daily run ins with the bpd one.

I struggle a lot to move on while being here, very tough.

Part of me is quite annoyed as well, in that I'm lined up for a section chief position here once my boss retires within a year. But....in that position I'd be required to interact with my exes boss frequently, probably my ex, and be forced to attend meetings with her. I just can't do that. I still get anxiety when she comes by, or emails my offices group email. I've never had a 'trauma' response to anything in my life like this. So annoyed with how this has affected me.

When is the last time you've spoken to her directly?  Maybe the way forward is finding the middle ground where you can co-exist in the workplace.  I know that you absolutely don't want to do that, but I didn't realize you were up for a big promotion either.  If you could wait until your boss retires, run the department for a year or two, then transfer out, you'd be in much better shape.

If you go sooner though, it's not a lateral transfer...it simply is a better fit for your life.  People switch jobs due to the commute, due to hybrid work policies, etc.  There's no shame in that if it's what you decide.

 86 
 on: November 18, 2025, 10:56:08 AM  
Started by Green Penguin - Last post by Eagle7
I have the same Avoidant/BPD dynamic in my marriage.  I have to understand that my wife will always see me, and only me, as the problem (unless and until she gets the professional help she needs). In the meantime, there are ways to find boundaries that can help meet both of your needs.  There are good books out there that talk about this. I'm thinking of the one by Abby Medcalf,  but can't remember the title offhand.

 87 
 on: November 18, 2025, 10:53:53 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Me88
I'm actively searching and now that the government is open I look all the time. I have some very good contacts at a neighboring research facility looking out for me. I think there's a few positions in the pipeline. It would be a lateral move, but I'll take that for peace.

It absolutely keeps everything fresh in some ways. I'm absolutely much better than I was initially, but it just doesn't actually disappear. What I don't like is nothing has really changed for me; live in the same home we shared, I have our same pets, same bed, same job...nothing changed other than I'm single, yet have to worry about daily run ins with the bpd one.

I struggle a lot to move on while being here, very tough.

Part of me is quite annoyed as well, in that I'm lined up for a section chief position here once my boss retires within a year. But....in that position I'd be required to interact with my exes boss frequently, probably my ex, and be forced to attend meetings with her. I just can't do that. I still get anxiety when she comes by, or emails my offices group email. I've never had a 'trauma' response to anything in my life like this. So annoyed with how this has affected me.

 88 
 on: November 18, 2025, 10:47:27 AM  
Started by ArtVandelay61 - Last post by Eagle7
Your issue sounds very close to exactly like my experience with my wife.  I'm at a similar point in our relationship. I wish I had the answer for you, but I'm still puzzling through it myself.  The written apology sounds like a good idea to me, but I'm not a professional, just someone who's in your same position, and still struggling to work it out.
What helps me is to never surrender to hopelessness, but to stay present in the moment and deal with what is, and do what I can to make each day the best it can be.  Sometimes that means just surviving, but still knowing that there will be better days.
My therapist told me not to make physical intimacy a goal.  That's hard as a man to come to grips with.  But the reality is that, yes, it may never come back.  It might, but striving for it is not the answer. It sounds like she has a good therapist and has accepted her BPD as reality, which is not the case in my situation.  It's really great that she's getting that therapy, as treatment can really help her, and, I believe, provide the foundation for a good path forward.

 89 
 on: November 18, 2025, 09:13:27 AM  
Started by Exhausted! - Last post by Exhausted!
I am exhausted being in a 32-year marriage with a man that has BPD.  Only recently has it been diagnosed.  It would explain why our relationship has been the way it is, and that I'm not going "crazy".
 
I am ready to leave and still find that I am trying to get his reassurance that he loves me and doesn't want me to go. 

This isn't happening.  In fact, I feel like I am abandoning him.  I grew up with a narcissistic mother, which doesn't help things.  We have been in weekly counseling for over 7 months, to not much avail.  I can tell he is trying but I don't see real hope.  I guess my question is what has anyone tried to help release this pattern of trying to "fix" them?

 90 
 on: November 18, 2025, 08:33:26 AM  
Started by Cynthia Stevens - Last post by Cynthia Stevens
Hi everybody, I am a survivor of having lived a childhood in which my mother had BPD. I am also a social worker with 38 years of experience in the fields of mental health and addictions, and child welfare. During my training in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and Systematic Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving and in my role as a therapist, I provided treatment for individuals over many years who had BPD. I could not help my mother as she would not accept help. Even with my years of training, my main insights about BPD came from the suffering I felt from my family situation. After my mother died, our dysfunctional family dynamics played out, and the chaos and division my mother had always sewn had broken sibling bonds. I have written a book about my story and shared insights I learned as a family member. It is on Amazon now and is called "Fractured Bonds: An Insider's Guide To Living In The Orbit Of An Individual With Borderline Personality Disorder" by Cynthia Stevens. I hope this book helps those in my  situation as it helped me. Take care everyone!

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