Hello and welcome back!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like a terrible situation all the way around.

First, do you have a valid passport?  If so, you can go to your US embassy in that country and they will get you a flight home.  If you don't have a valid passport, they'll help you get one.  I'm assuming you're American; I apologize if I'm wrong.  If you're from Europe or elsewhere though, the process is largely the same.  The embassy will help get you home or point to the resources that will.

To answer your question above directly, the way a person gets through something this horrible is by changing direction.  You can't stay on this path since it's clearly destructive.  Get home to family, get your health in order, get your mind in order.  The marriage stuff can wait...that's not important right now.

In everything you just shared, you handled things almost perfectly every single time.  So why didn't it work?

The answer is mental illness, you can't fix it and you can't always make every moment magical.  That doesn't mean you did the wrong thing though and if you handled it differently, a few passing comments likely would have turned into an all-out war.  So even though it might not feel like it, these were small victories.

For instance, your husband wants your parent's religion to be centered around him.  That's ridiculous and we all know that.  But there's very little that can be done about that particular gripe.  In my opinion, that's just not a battle worth fighting.

I've fought that fight many times too.  My BPD daughter is LGBT and her friends have an "alternate" view of some scripture that makes their lifestyle okay.  My kid tries preaching this to me from time to time and I have to remind her, "I'll gladly listen to your religious viewpoints, but if I do, then I'm going to tell you what the Bible actually says and who you're actually worshipping." 

This makes her furious but after 4 or 5 times, she's realized that dad is not the person to preach to.  I'll respect her views only if she can respect mine.  We just don't have that discussion anymore because I've shown clearly that nothing good will ever come of it.

Hi hopefulbpdmom,

Iam sorry that you are stessed instead of what should be a time of joy for your family. celebrating

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?

As you become a parent, you'll learn that while you absolutely despise some of the things your kid might do, you still love them regardless.  All kids mess up and do incredible dumb or dangerous things at times.  It will drive you insane and you'll have those moments of yelling, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?"  And in the moment, the child might be terrified thinking, "Dad hates me!"  That's where you will need to find the balance of rules, dicipline, and still showing love. 

This is true for your girlfriend as well and why the analogy works.

Should you baby her?  No.  Should you just "let it slide" whenever she insults you?  No.  Go back to that crying baby though.  You can't look at a crying baby and say "stop crying!"  That never works.  First, you calm down the baby and just focus on the baby's temprament. 

The same is true in your case.  You help her calm down.  Later when she's calm is where the lesson comes in at- you really hurt me and that's not okay.


Here's the thing though: when your girlfriend is disordered, "fixing the situation" is not about the words coming out of her mouth.  She will insist that it is, of course, because she's mentally ill.  But the true fix is what we've already talked about.  She needs to calm down and stop reacting to everything emotionally.  It's like mixing fire + gasoline when you try to "problem solve" in the heat of the moment.  Whatever you say or do will be wrong because it's not about the actual stuff, it's about her spiraling emotions getting out of control.

What your girlfriend wants is an ally, someone to say, "I get why this is so hard right now and I'm on your side.  We'll fix this together.  Calm down, it's okay.  I've got you."

Now, when you're at work and she's spam-texting, obviously there's many problems there that you can't "fix".  But the more you work on what we've already talked about, the less you're going to get these explosive situations because she's going to be more stable and more trusting. 

All of this is ultimately a trust issue from her mental health thinking that you don't love her, you are going to leave her, etc.  That's "the problem" in 99% of her outbursts, even though she'd never say that.


Is it your responsibility?  Eh, yes and no.  A good partner would do whatever they could to help them calm down, but there has to be a point where you put your own stability above hers.  I'm not saying to walk away every time she yells, because that only makes the problem larger (those thoughts of "he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me").

You should absolutely try to love her and support her through each crisis.  But if you feel like she's gone too far and you need to respond with being ugly, it's better to walk away.  Will she insult you in those times?  At first, yes...because she's unstable and lashing out.  But she was insulting you anyway.

So calm her down if possible, walk away if it's not possible.  But at the same time, you can still be affirming in those moments by saying something like, "I love you and I don't want to argue.  I need a few minutes to calm down."  Notice that's all about you; it's not about accusing her at all. 

If you say, "I love you but you're acting crazy and I can't deal with this," you're going to get explosive fury.  And if you stick around in these situations long enough, you're going to eventually say the worst possible thing because that's what she is doing.  So a strategic retreat while you're still calm is what's best for everyone, even if she protests.

Later, when she's calm, you can affirm that you're there for her and want to help, but the abusive stuff is too much for you at times.  That's not to "put her down" or "put her in her place", it's to talk about your emotional needs and how she makes you feel.

Now, this is ridiculously hard to do right and it's a process over time- not a one-time event and everything is fixed.  You'll have to learn healthy boundaries, leading with compassion when you're getting hate, and so many other skills.  It is super difficult and it's why most of these relationships fail.  The odds are against you because this is a selfless way to love.  But if you truly love her and can't live without her, then it's the only path that works long-term.

I wish you luck, my friend, and please keep asking the tough questions.  We may not have the answer every time, but we can certainly talk it out anyway.

As someone who has recently experienced a similar situation, a sign of progress in detaching was realising I simply don't feel the need to resolve things or correct the record with certain people. I know what happened and the truth remains true.

A saying someone shared with me was that you don't get to see anyone's karma but your own, and that has helped.

I'm not sure if there's any cure for it but time and focusing on your own goals and forward momentum can help. I feel for you.

Hi,

I have posted on the bord before, when I was still trying to find a way to fix things. Unluckily, the situation escalated real quick and I am now forced to stay at a friend's. I think my 12-year relationship is coming to an end.

Life after marriage (2024) has not been easy for me. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had several surgeries and treatment which lasted for a year. I lost my jobs, my savings, my independence, my own mental health. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer. Meanwhile, my pwBPD accepted a job offer abroad and left. It was a shared decision, since life in our home country was starting to be economically unsustainable. Everything started to crack and BPD behavior such as blame shifting and silent treatment started to resurface, surely also triggered by my instability and mood swings.

The thought of being together again kept me going, and as soon as I finished treatment I moved abroad to join him. I knew it would be hard, but we agreed I could take my time to heal, find a job, and get back on my feet. I was so grateful for being alive and having this chance. However, things had changed a lot in his life. I knew from day one that, despite loving words and loving gestures, he had gone back to his 'need for absolute freedom', and started to detach. It had happened before, and I was able to spot these familiar red flags, but I ignored them.

I believe my biggest mistake was to underestimate my own mental health and extreme fragility up to the point I started having panic attacks and lashing out whenever I saw hints of his discard attempts. I feel extremely guilty and I regret not seeking help earlier, although I know relationally that his BPD left untreated would eventually destroy everything.

We had a huge fight a week ago, after he announced he wanted to go on a solo trip and would probably leave in two days. I took out my wedding ring and said: "I cannot go on living this way, I need someone who doesn't play with my life like this", to which he replied "I am like this, if you don't accept it it's over". That night he returned home drunk at 4:00 AM, refusing to acknowledge the absurdity of it all. I left the house for a few days so that we could cool down, after agreeing we would speak again on Sunday. Well, he asked me for a divorce that day. He told me that the last few days of his life had been the most amazing he had had in months and that there is no way of fixing things. He also told me that one of the two had to go as soon as possible. In the end it was me, since after a very intense panic attack he called a friend and asked her to "come and take me away". I am at her house now. She has been extremely kind and is also shocked by the coldness and irresponsible behaviour.

I am just devastated. I do not know how to cope, since I have nothing left and am in a very bad place, psychologically. It has all been too much, and I feel like this divorce is the last straw. I don't know where to go, howe I can survive in this foreign country I know to little about, and how I can overcome this. I haven't slept or eaten for two days. I have always been an independent, resilient person, but I have never fallen this deep. How can one person go through all these events, all this pain, and keep going on?

Same problem again.

Tomorrow is my nephew’s birthday and it’s a milestone one. His mother (my sister, who I suspect also has BPD or something similar) is in an inpatient therapy program in a different state. My BIL invited the family to their house to celebrate all June birthdays (BIL and another sister’s daughter also have June birthdays). I told H I’m going to go but he’s free to do what he wants. He’ll be welcome if he wants to go, but it’s fine if he’d rather pass. He said he’d go.

Tonight, he asked what time I think we should leave tomorrow and I told him. Things deteriorated from there. He got more and more upset at the timing I suggested. He suggested he could meet me there and I said, “sure, that would be fine.” More anger.

Then he goes into another area he’s focused on before. “No one ever throws a party for me and my son. No one cares about us. So I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to go to stuff for them.” I tried validating, “I would feel bad if I felt like I was being slighted.” The thing is, in my family, people tend to host parties for themselves or their children (like my BIL is doing tomorrow). I said we can’t host something here since we don’t have room to comfortably host 17 people but we could consider inviting people to a restaurant. That also upset him. (And I also know that if we were to host something, he would flip out for weeks beforehand and then take it personally if anyone wasn’t able to be there due to other commitments).

I realize the big problem is he is scared about tomorrow. He desperately wants to be a part of the family, but he’s also so shy and intimidated that he can’t make the connection. So he lashes out. But it becomes frustrating and painful for me.

He gets very upset about SS15 not being a part of things, but SS has never shown the slightest interest in doing things with my family. When my parents have come to a baseball game, SS barely acknowledges them. I don’t really think he cares if he’s part of the family or not.

When he brought up his mother again and I told him if he feels we should go more often, he just needs to say so and we can make arrangements, he blew up that I’m putting it all on him. That his mom feels like she’s low priority and my family has expectations that we have to do everything with them. (Does she think that? No clue. H isn’t a reliable narrator.)

Out of nowhere, he told me that a former mentor of mine, whom we both know, complained about my potato salad years ago. Said “it’s fine.” That used to be my go-to for potlucks because it was one of the few things I knew how to make at the time and I always got lots of compliments. H’s comment threw me off because we weren’t talking about my salad or this mentor or anything even related. It did kind of hurt my feelings (probably a silly thing to feel hurt about).

The other issue: my parents joined a church where H had a bad experience. He knew they were going to do it wasn’t a surprise. They belonged to the church years ago when they lived here before and still have a lot of friends there. H says he’s over what happened, but keeps bringing it up how horrible it is that my parents go there when they know H had a bad experience.

I feel like I’m trying to minimize damage. I tell him he doesn’t have to go. I offer for us to do something and that’s not right either: He gets all worked up about things he assumes family members are doing or feeling when there is zero evidence. He’ll complain over and over about my family, then shoot back that I complain all the time about SS. The only negative thing I’ve said in weeks was when he took something that was mine (that I’d been looking forward to) from the freezer and ate it without asking. I wasn’t even that mad — just told him what had happened.

I understand a lot of what’s going on psychologically and emotionally, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish. Initially younger D said she asked older D not to come to dinner because she couldn't see how that would work. Then it turned into just younger D coming to dinner with us without either sibling so they can "do their own thing". The other kids constantly capitulate to the BPD kid's emotional needs and demands. They go along to get along as a survival mechanism. Younger D swears this will be easiest and what she wants is what is easiest. It really sucks and I'm so over it. Remembering all the other times. Like the time she set a fire in her bedroom trashbin after an amazing night out for her 12th birthday, or the time she phoned 911 and hung up from my mother's house during my grandmother's wake (yes, they were dispatched to investigate), or like this last Christmas when she threw a tantrum when she didn't receive her requested item and took the bus back home on Christmas Day. It's exhausting and I don't want to bother trying in the future.

I am surprised court would virtually reverse longstanding parenting simply to "make up for lost parenting time".  Most family courts are reluctant to make such a vast change without significant basis.  In my case, with court orders starting when my son was barely four years old, court made incremental changes over the years, just enough to handle the current issues that arose.

I would have expected a court, if adjustments were to be made, would have started with moving dad perhaps up to summers and alternating holidays, not for you to be shunted to the rear seat of parenting.

I think my BPD mother has acted up at almost every one of my milestones like graduation.  I wonder if they just can't seem to stand that the attention is on someone else. This is your younger D's graduation and her older sister is stirring the pot.

IMHO this day is about your younger D. It's also a day of pride and happiness for you. What I would do is ask your younger D what she would want to do on this day and let her decide. Does she want to go to dinner with you and then hang with her siblings? Or is she caught between them and you?