Made a mess of my last reply so ignore it.

Glad to see there's light coming now at the end of the tunnel. I hope things work out peacefully whatever happens.  I can't comment on living with a BPD as my exBPD and I never lived together at all during our time together but based on her behaviour during the times we were out together I'm sure it would not have been pleasant.


They can be surprisingly rational when they want to be. I can recall us having 'normal' arguments - ie ones that non-BPD couples would have - where she exhibited no fantasies but only talked with facts and logic. We we able to make progress then but of course next day she would be back to her illogical and wildly accusatory self.

Glad to see there's light coming now at the end of the tunnel. I hope things work out peacefully whatever happens.  I can't comment on living with a BPD as my exBPD and I never lived together at all during our time together but based on her behaviour during the times we were out together I'm sure it would not have been pleasant.

I truly believe my persistent metabolic imbalance syndrome, admittedly more common across the world in recent years, was worsened by the final years of my doomed marriage.  Having a child together triggered her FOO fears terribly but the sum total of her devastating actions and accusations was just too much for me.

Looking back, the year before our marriage imploded is when my doctor warned me I was becoming pre-diabetic and it has worsened over the years.  I'm the only one among my relatives so afflicted... and the only one with a BPD ex.  I believe the long term stress was a factor.

I recall in the months of our separation I tried to work it out with her.  We had protection orders against each other so I only saw her at court hearings.  With the lawyers present, I asked her whether we could reconcile and she just just turned away.  As I look back, I can see that I realized my limits.  I proceeded with the divorce.  Partly for myself but also for our preschooler.  I'll emphasize this:

Not everything is a game, man.  Sometimes the truth reveals itself.  There's a saying that applies here: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Well, here it's even more than that: she's openly TELLING you who she is - and admitting she's a drug addict, an admission that doesn't serve her interests in any way!!! - and you're wondering if there's some other angle here? 

Still, he's a grown man and should be capable, and he will never learn to be capable if you continue to coddle him.

However, your children are not capable yet, and as the only responsible adult in the equation here, your obligation is to them first.  Your partners "needs" come in a distant second here.  Or I would say even a distant third, after yours.  If something happens to you, who's going to be there for your kids? 

Keep all this in mind when his pleas and tactics start working on your sympathetic heart! 

Thanks, SuperDaddy. I'll read this.

Hi dtkm ,

I think your negotiations with him will only work out if you are in a position in which you can confidently say "NO." Since he has free access to your house, you are not in this position anymore. As a result, you will get stressed out, and then there will be no way to have a productive conversation with him since he will pick up on your emotions. Living in separate houses is not much of an advantage in this situation.

I finally convinced my wife to leave, so we are living apart now. She is in her mom's house, where she lived before we met. I would like to bring her in for the weekends, but I am quite scared about that going wrong, so I won't do that. Not until we are really having zero conflict and she is 100% ok with the fact that this is MY place now and that everything here is my property. Currently, she still has minor angry moments and does mild offenses, which I'm always pointing out.

So I think you are giving away a setting that could be quite valuable and constructive for your relationship, the living-apart structure.

If he says that your place is better than his place, maybe you can offer an exchange. If he wants more time with the kids, give him that time. Make sure he doesn't have a good reason to say this new setting is unfair to him.

Fian ,

I have full rights to end all of the contracts that are in my name (mainly renting and energy supply) and move out. And in case she leaves before I have finalized the contract termination, I can return. There is nothing illegal in that. My only possible obligation would be to offer the transfer of the contract to her name so that she can remain here, and I did that. But she can't pay for it. I also offered her a pension, but I don't have to pay for a place for her.

Anyway, she left. Because she understood that if she remained for long enough, she would then be kicked out by the landlord, possibly through police. She also understood that if I left, then I would not find such a good place for the price I pay, and she wants the kids to grow up here. Also, by agreeing to leave, she keeps open the possibility of returning in the future.

We also have a pension agreement to a monthly value, which I'm sure she will overspend quickly. But it's ok because it is a relatively small value, and I'll cover her back when she runs out of money anyway. Actually, she has already overspent the first part that I transferred. I'll have to pay it weekly like I do with my other BPDex.

The person with BPD can become quite rational when they really need to be, when they hit the end of the line.

I am very happy that I am finally out of the nightmare she was giving me. I'm hoping she helps herself with DBT (which I'll pay), and I really want to end up with a success story. But if things don't work out, I'm totally fine with giving up on our relationship, guiltless.

Hey Desert!  I'm sorry things have not improved at home and it's a good thing that you're making positive steps to begin healing.

I feel like this is so much more simple than you're giving it credit for- something is happening to you medically and it's tied to stress, anxiety, possibly depression, etc.  Stress is one of the biggest "killers" in US society leading to heart attacks, strokes, hypertension, obesity, alcoholism and drug use, etc.

So my first question would be if you've seen your primary doctor and had bloodwork taken?  They might also recommend a stress test.  You're dealing with something physical and it needs to be properly evaluated.

Next, let's talk about the mental aspects.  Stress comes from our viewpoints and ability to handle stress.  What are you doing (other than moving) to put yourself in a better mindset?  Have you considered therapy?  What about daily hobbies and activities; what are you doing to get through the day?

I know you mentioned that you're not financially stable at the moment, so doctor visits and therapy may sound prohibitive.  But the changes in your life must come from you personally...nobody else can do it for you.

Now, I know I've danced around your actual question- how do you know whether to stay or leave the relationship?  That's for you to decide and we can't help there.  But I will say that regardless of anything else, your health HAS TO come before work, relationship, activities, etc.  You HAVE TO place yourself first and actually begin to recover physically and mentally. 

That should always come before the relationship part.

One last thing though, if you're having physical or mental struggles, that should always come first to your partner as well.  And if that's not their priority, then you already have your answer for right now.  Maybe that changes in a week, a month, etc.  But for today, you need distance and you need healing.

Aah, so I had it backwards...sorry about that.

BPDs struggle to apologize, even when they realize they're wrong, because it shows vulnerability that can easily be used against them.  That's true for all of us, of course, we open up to someone and they reject us...it's painful. 

But for BPDs in particular, it's like facing their worst possible fears.  Their brains will twist those situations to make it more about them as the victim, hence you don't deserve an apology since you know how much they go through yet you're not supportive.  It's an excuse and a lie, for sure, but it is also the truth for them.

All that said, don't hold out for an apology in order to fix the relationship.  Either you forgive or you don't.  Your brother simply may not be capable.