The point about extracurricular activities is a good one. BPD mother's criticism and blaming me took a toll on my self esteem. School, friends, and extracurricular activities helped to counteract that. It didn't resolve all of it but - they were a source of positive feedback and validation.

I don't know if you or your D are in counseling. I think it's essential. It's someone your D can speak to without fear of consequences. I didn't know my mother had BPD. I think it could have helped to know. However, this information needs to come from someone objective, like a counselor who would know if it is in your D's best interest to know and how to speak to her about it.

While I think it is possible to help mitigate some of the effects of having a mother with BPD, I don't think it's possible to avoid all of them. This is a significant person to a child and even in the most protective circumstances- they have a relationship with this person. Let your D know that it is a normal and positive form of self care to seek out counseling, as she also will need to do this at times, as an adult- as she feels she needs it. I haven't done it continuously but at times when I felt I needed some objective guidance and feedback.

Wantmorepeace,  This is my first time checking out this board for family members with bpd. I was drawn to your subject - What we can control.  Then I remembered you were kind to guide me how to use the quote box. I'm sorry you are going through so much with your sister's disordered thinking and following actions. It's hard and painful. You wrote about struggling with anxiety. I do as well and appreciate your list for self care. Space from my son, what thoughts I entertain about him and working hard to focus on other things such as my garden, a hobby or friends....help me.  That has been hard because I couldn't slow my mind down or pull my focus away from thinking about my son. I'm getting better. You encouraged me to keep moving forward. Another thing that's helping me is to be gentle with myself. I'm going to make mistakes and I'm sure upset my son wubpd.  We all are growing and slowly is fine. I'm also learning to recognize what thought I had that ramped up my anxiety.  Maybe it's not based on all the facts and is just fear.
BTW - I think I will be learning from the wisdom from this board too. My Dad had bpd (I was his emotional caretaker from a young age). My ex husband has bpd. I see him only several times a year.  My entire life has been influenced by this illness.

Pook,
That visual is better than a voicemail. I know that soothing. Better than words is this image I can draw on.
I appreciate this very much.

Ooomph - my apologies Aristotle if I got the noun wrong and you are a son.... I'm kind of mortified at my thoughtless bias there (I am a daughter...)

That's great news- I'm glad you're in a new relationship and it's going well!  I'm also glad you resisted temptation to reach out to your ex since that was going to be an obvious trap after being apart this long.

And one more thing- your post is absolutely helpful for others that are in your prior situation right now.  It shows that there is hope and a future after going through something like this.  I'm in that club as well, remarried and as happy as ever. 

Getting past a difficult relationship is always super hard, but the BPD aspect is something none of us could have possibly expected or prepared for.  Yet you have an awesome success story because you did the one thing that actually mattered- you put yourself first, got to work in the gym and with hobbies, and eventually you found yourself again.  That's the big win, the best takeaway, regardless if the previous relationship works out or not.  Because you put the work in, you were going to have a success story regardless.

I wish that I could leave you a voice message here so you'd know exactly how to do it...but honestly you already know.

Picture talking to a newborn or a young baby.  They are screaming, kicking, etc. and you know something is wrong.  Maybe it's a tummy ache.  Maybe they're just hot.  Maybe they're hungry or gassy.  It could be anything.

But where do you start?  You pick the baby up and love on it, hold it to your chest and soothe the baby.  A good bit of the time, that's all that's needed to solve the crisis.  The baby just needed physical connection.  But it's also deeper than that.  Babies, like our household pets, can actually feel emotions.  They know when we're happy, sad, calm, scared, etc.  They just FEEL IT.

If you pick a crying baby up when you're upset, the baby screams even louder.  But if you're calm and centered, the baby calms right down quickly.

This is how you calm down your kid at any age.  You speak barely above a whisper and you encourage.  "It's okay, we'll work through this.  I'm here for you and we'll figure this out together.  Try to relax so we can talk this out."

If you're on edge, none of that will work in a million years.  But if you're calm, patient, and showing empathy, it's a completely different story.  It is literally just like calming down a baby.

As I said earlier, DO NOT try to fix anything when they're upset, depressed, etc.  In that mindset they can't problem solve logically and there's a decent chance things only get worse.  Because they're not thinking straight, your problem solving feels like a personal judgement like, "Why can't he ever get this right...I have to tell him everything."  That's not what you'll say, but that's how they feel when they're disordered and someone is problem solving.  They just can't handle it.

This is a well known approach.  When you're in the middle of a problem, you do better to consider an objective perspective rather than the conflicted subjective perspective.

Putting yourself into a friend's shoes or some other neutral observer's shoes is an excellent way to consider the issues objectively and from "outside the box".

Another way is to ask yourself, "If I look back at this contemplated solution from 5 or 10 years from now, will I be glad (or regret) doing this or wish I had been more proactive in certain other aspects?"

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're at the point of thinking about separation from your wife, and that life with her doesn't seem manageable anymore.

My guess is that the situation has worsened between your wife and daughter in the last few months because your daughter has matured.  Your wife is likely jealous of her own daughter--for her accomplishments, friendships, increasing independence, bright future, beauty, closeness with you.  Maybe your daughter is starting to get attention from others, including young men, that is too much for your wife to bear.  In addition, as your daughter exercises some independence, perhaps by getting her driver's license and doing more things on her own, her mom feels like she's losing control over the one person that she could confidently boss around, and rely upon for constant emotional engagement.  Thus your wife's "status" is challenged, making her act out?

Anyway, if there's near-constant strife in the household between your wife and daughter, I think my recommendation would be to give your daughter some time and space away from that as much as possible.  She might enjoy concentrating on extracurricular activities at school, or maybe work in a part-time capacity, rather than "deal with mom" all the time.  Maybe she starts to study at a library, where it could be more reliably peaceful.  Just being available to transport her, or letting her have access to a family car, could increasingly let her "vote with her feet" and continue to develop her identity outside the purview of her mom.  I think that structured activities might help here, such as a summer job, scholastic pursuit or volunteer activity.  Maybe over the summer, the two of you could try touring college campuses together.  That might get her excited about starting a next phase.  I'm not suggesting that your daughter should "cut out" her mom from her life.  But my guess is, a little separation from her and increasing focus on external activities might help.

I was given a vision test with a chart on the wall this year right after turning 83, instead of the machine one looks into, but I did better due to having had cataract surgeries since my last license renewal. I don't drive anymore though because of medication I take. I was just going to ask for an I.D., but she renewed it.

I was surprised as well, but the part about the odd resource having no empathy and is a computer feels like a very fast version of going to the library and reading for hours on end. Also, browsing the internet and not hitting a paywall.