My son hates me with a seething passion and tells me so, but he won’t leave or do better for himself to be able to leave.
First of all, I want to welcome you to the family and say that I read your entire post. I could have written it myself about my 27 year old BPD daughter; our experiences lined up very closely. It started when she was around 5 and I knew we didn't have a "typical" child. The anger, the resentment, the meanness and bullying. I saw it probably a decade before anyone else.Like you, I blamed myself, my wife, the school system...everyone really. But I realize now that my daughter had to live her life, and all I could do was try to instill good morals and character in her. Our younger daughter was fiercely bullied her entire life and she's now in therapy for it at 25. Most of it she doesn't remember, which is probably a good thing. Her mind literally blocked out the trauma.
I'll tell you how my younger daughter stopped getting bullied though- she punched her sister in the face and they ended up rolling around on the ground. Eventually, the younger sister pinned my BPD kid and after several face slaps, she said that she wouldn't let her up until she stopped raging. We though, oh boy...my older daughter is going to kill her for sure. But the opposite happened and she was never bullied again. My BPD daughter actually respected her younger sister after that.
For us as parents, the solution was nowhere near as easy and it was a huge learning curve as well.
What we eventually realized though was that we didn't have to accept the rage and manipulation. She could be a participating member of our home or she could leave. And she lived on the streets for about two years, bouncing from house to house since she'd always wear out her welcome. I'd just repeat what I've always said- you're welcome here anytime if you'll help out around the house and respect others.
She finally came home and we kicked her out a few weeks later since she felt "the rules" were unfair. We're talking like rinse off your plate or put your candy wrappers and soda cans in the trash kind of stuff. We would see rage over such a request. So out she went for another period of time.
This may sound horrific and make us seem like terrible parents. But we were doing what we were told to do- teach right from wrong. Every decision was our daughter's; follow our simple rules or go your own way. This wasn't about me at all, just like it isn't about you. And all the blame you hear, that's the mental illness talking. I've been called the devil, I've been called names I can't say here; you get the picture.
Finally, at around 23, our BPD daughter had a complete meltdown due to her own destructive patterns. She was living with a girlfriend and decided that hitting on their mutual best friend was a good idea. It wasn't and they confronted her. She became suicidal and called me for help.
That day, we admitted her to an in-patient program just like we had dozen of times in the past. But this time, she was so sick and tired of feeling the way she felt, that she actually wanted to change. So she actually did the work, actually accepted that so much of the problem was her.
And do you know what she wrote on her intake form as the #1 goal she wanted to achieve? To make her daddy proud so he'd love her again.
I was always the enemy, always the villian, and like you, I heard "I hate you 10x a day." Yet my approval meant more than anything to her, and that's a big part of why I got the majority of her wrath. Out of everyone she knew, I was the only one in her life that wouldn't back down no matter what. If I said no ice cream until you finish your veggies, that's exactly what was going to happen. If I said no going out with friends until your room is clean, same thing. I refused to walk on eggshells because she had to learn right from wrong. That's what everyone told us.
Maybe a year later, my BPD kid was a different person entirely. She was still mentally ill, still struggled at times, but I became her ally instead of her enemy. She finally got it, she finally understood, that dad was always on her side and doing the best he could in a really lousy situation.
Today at 27, my BPD kid holds a job, pays all her bills, and somewhat has it all together. Again, she's not "cured" and there's times I'll still be told off over something I have nothing to do with. That's pretty rare though and only happens a few times per year. And I can live with that, I can overlook those moments when it's not a constant thing.
Looking back, if I was in your shoes and I had an 18 year old son with BPD that was raging, I would do the exact same thing all over again. You're welcome to stay here forever if you follow two simple rules- be respectful and help out. I would explain to him that he's making the choice, this is all about him. I want him at home, but he's an adult that has to choose for himself. Be kind and helpful here, or do whatever you want somewhere else.
You must choose- there's no best of both worlds at this address.
What made my daughter "better" was being kicked out and forced to figure out the world on her own. Why? Two reasons. #1, she learned to appreciate how good she had it at home, and how little she was being asked to do. #2, being homeless forced her into some very uncomfortable situations that pushed her mental illness to their limits. It helped her actually find her "rock bottom" and that's a fantastic thing for someone with BPD. It's what made her realize so clearly that the problem was within and real change was necessary.
I can't tell you what to do at your home, but I will say that as long as you accept the entitlement, manipulation, and abuse, things will only continue to get worse. You called the police because you had to call the police- do not accept any other narratives because they are lies. He needs to learn there are consequences to his actions and he needs to be responsible for his decisions in life.
You say he can't work. That's his problem, not yours. He absolutely can work and he absolutely will work if he has no other choice. But if staying at home playing video games is also an option, then he'll never work. See what I mean? These are all his concious decisions based on the life you're providing. It must stop and you must stop it.



... confirming it was never about helping me heal (though luckily I made a copy).