Let's do a thought experiment.  (Some of Albert Einstein's best "thought experiments" led to profound physics breakthroughs.)

Picture yourself 5 or 10 years from now.  You're in the same relationship as now, perhaps made official by marriage, perhaps a few children too.  Sounds normal, right?  But - and this is a huge "but" - she still argues endlessly about everything and nothing, you're still cast almost daily as Mr Evil Personified.  And not just you are suffering, so are the kids.  Yes, 5 or 10 years of sheer negativity, disparagement, conflict, threats and endless crap.  You were warned long ago this was a severe mental illness, though not to the extent of qualifying for incarceration or commitment to a mental health asylum.  So... would you look back and wish you would have made different choices 5 or 10 years before?

Another way of picturing this is the "step outside the box" perspective.  This is the subjective versus the objective comparison.  You know how you feel from the inside... What if you step outside the scenario and are asked, "What would you advise a good friend if it was they were in your dilemma?"

I'll repeat my prior observation:  It sounds a little to me like this guy is bragging.  He thinks he's so important he needs you to sign an NDA?  He's willing to pay you 20 grand to get you to sign it?  He's paid past ex-girlfriends to do this?  It sounds to me like he's overcompensating for his insecurities, as well as treating girlfriends like commodities to be purchased, coerced and/or discarded.

How about this?  Don't sign any NDA.  Don't even bother looking at it.  Don't accept money from him, if he has it anyway, which I doubted from the beginning.

Just my two cents.

Also, signing an NDA is meaningless if the person you're suing isn't rich, or doesn't have assets you can collect against (e.g. they don't own a house).

So his ex signs and NDA, and then divulges the context of their relationship publicly... somehow.  I don't know, posts pictures on facebook, or tells his secrets or private communications.  Now he has to decide to sue them for breaching the NDA.  That's going to cost him a lot of money... at least ~$25K just to file. 

Say they defend themselves and fight back.  Now you're looking at a full trial possibly, and getting into six figures in legal fees for each side.

Now say he wins... what are his damages exactly?  The other party may have to pay his legal fees.  Can he demonstrate that he suffered some sort of harm to make it worth it? 

Let's say for argument's sake he can show that his business suffered, and he lost out on a million dollar contract because his ex breached his/her NDA.  Does the person he's dating have anywhere near that amount?  Probably not    So his BALLER move of having his exes sign NDAs is just bluffing

EDIT: I missed the post about him showing up drunk and wanting to cuddle.

He sounds less put together than I assumed when I wrote my longer response!

Guessing he's one of those guys who's reading posts from the "Manosphere" and influenced by something some idiot said.

Call his bluff... ask to see a copy of the NDA, and say that if you agree to sign it, he's got to put $20K in an escrow fund with a stipulation to the agent that as soon as you sign that agreement, the money is remitted to you.  And he has to pay the escrow agent's fees (no big deal.  he's right right?)

Get "Walking on Eggshells," or one of the other books by Bill Eddy on the topic of BPD.  Or read through the articles under the "Diagnosis + Treatment" tab on this website.

And consider whether you truly "love" her or you're just infatuated with her and pursuing her because she's there.  Love is a two way street, or should be.  There are a lot of questions around whether someone with a behavioral disorder can truly love another person back, or at least reciprocate the same unconditional love they're receiving. 

I've read a lot of comments from people posting here who have not had a lot of relationships for whatever reason, and they get hooked on a pwBPD, & because of lack of other options, allow themselves to get dragged in circles and feel like they have to chase this one (1) person so they're not left alone.  Don't be like that.  It's okay to be alone, and life is too short to spend it eternally frustrated by a partner unwilling or unable to maintain a stable relationship. 

yeah that, too.  I mean, you don't do things you want to be held confidential by the NDA BEFORE you get a signed NDA.

In business, we don't disclose confidential things to a potential partner, then say "Okay, now sign our NDA"

Makes me think, like I said, the NDA is more his way of paying an ex to go away amicably when he's bored of them and wants to move on.

I have a couple thoughts below:

Being "extremely secretive" is certainly a 

I take this to mean you are not currently his GF, and have just been friends?  Is he pushing you to agree to sign an NDA before you become BF/GF, or is he saying you'll sign an NDA now just because of your friendship? 

One thing you shouldn't agree to is to agree to sign an NDA before seeing it... and ideally paying an attorney to review it (which is maybe an hour or two of legal work. not a big fee).


If I had to wager why he's presented this, it's because he's essentially a "sugar daddy" here, looking to have some fun with someone (i.e. you) until he gets bored, then pays you to go away. 

Now I could be wrong... but it sounds like this is an established pattern for him, and he expects the relationship with you to go the same way. 


I'm assuming he wants to have his kicks when he's with you (whatever they are; drinking, drugs, sexual, etc.) and even if they aren't that far out of the norm, he values his privacy - as we all do - and doesn't want a jilted ex- trying to blackmail him to get more money with pictures or stories of their time together.  If he's wealthy and has a public reputation, he's going to be cognizant of that, and pictures - even relatively tame ones  - of him cutting loose would conflict with that. Now, exes could blackmail him even without an NDA of course, but having the NDA gives him another stick to hit them with to behave.

That's not a good sign he's already trying to coerce you into signing it. 

As far as whether they're common, I think as we get more and more extremely wealthy people, and the disparity in wealth and power between them and everyone else grows, they're becoming more common, and the world we live in is changing... 

So sorry for your loss. But never forget, someone with BPD is expert at pouring guilt onto others, the very mechanism that isn’t health for their children, or anyone. Keeping healthy boundaries is your only way to avoid being pulled into that unhealthy dynamic. Sounds like you’re doing the health thing, as hard as I know it can be. Your sibling with bipolar, sounds like they have self awareness (something someone with BPD struggles with) maybe that’s a healthier sibling connection ?

Maybe you need to grieve the sister (BPD) you thought you had ? Maybe consider talking therapies, as you have a lot to unpack here ? Sending you love,  as a BPD family member, it’s never easy. But from what you’ve written, I see no need for you to feel guilt. 20/20 is hindsight, you’re not your nephew's parent, you weren’t close to what went on in the house, how on earth could you have prevented this ? A BPD wouldn’t have allow anyone else to meddle. Be good to yourself, sounds like you’ve been a good sister and daughter. What good or benefit will you feeling guilt have ? 

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.  By the sound of things, your adult daughter is living with you, correct?  My guess is that she's reliant on you for housing, and probably for much more.  If she's drinking during the day, then she's probably unemployed or underemployed.  Do I have that right?  Did she rebound to your place after a failed relationship?  Does she blame her ex for ruining her life?  Or is she mostly focused on blaming you?  Are there any grandchildren in the picture?  Is your daughter currently in therapy?  Is she taking some steps forward to get her act together, or is she devolving into an angry mess of despair, while lashing out at you, practically full-time? 

Apologies for the onslaught of questions . . . as you've probably seen, BPD behaviors can impact all aspects of life--from relationships to employment to housing to finances to general health and hygiene.  In my opinion, it's the pervasive and chronic nature of the behaviors that are characteristic of BPD.  I'm asking all this to understand what your biggest issue is right now, and to consider ways to tackle that issue first.  If your biggest issue is that you're simply at the end of your rope, then you're not alone. 

Here we talk a lot about boundaries.  Just note that when enforcing boundaries, you can't expect to change your daughter's behavior.  You can't control her BPD, her emotions or her actions (like drinking).  What you do control is YOU, and how YOU react to certain situations.  That's why I asked about your biggest problem right now, to try to brainstorm some boundaries you might establish, with the goal of making YOUR life better.  Since you mentioned alcohol, you might decide that alcohol is destroying your homelife, and therefore you want your home to be alcohol-free.  You could discuss a new boundary with your daughter, in a relatively calm moment.  You might say something like:  "I love you, and I can't tolerate watching you poison yourself with alcohol or drugs in my home.  It stresses me out too much when you abuse substances.  Of course, you are an adult, and you can choose to drink or use drugs whenever you want--that's your choice--but not while you're under my roof.  From now on, alcohol and drugs are not allowed in my home.  If I suspect you are using, I will search your room.  If I find alcohol or illicit substances in the house, I will flush them down the toilet.  If you are intoxicated in my home, I will ask you to stay somewhere else until you're sober."  A tougher boundary might be, "If you use alcohol or drugs in my home, I will ask you to live somewhere else."

Now, pwBPD do not like boundaries.  When you try to enforce them, you should expect an escalation.  Here we call that an "extintion burst," which is basically an amped-up version of the tactics that had historically worked for your daughter to get her way.  Maybe she yells, insults you and makes threats until you want to relent, just to get her to stop.  You see, for a long time in your daughter's life, yelling, insulting and making threats got her concessions.  Thus the key to establishing a new boundary is reliable enforcement.  You need to decide ahead of time what you are willing and able to do, and be sure to follow through, every time.  Ultimately, remember that you establish a boundary to protect YOU.  She's not going to like it, because she's used to getting her way after throwing a fit.  But you deserve to protect your own life and well-being, because you are worth it, no matter what your daughter says or accuses you of.

Look, you're no good to your daughter if you're fed up, downtrodden, exhausted and frustrated all the time.  I suspect you need to reclaim your home and focus on your own well-being, especially after enduring DECADES of all this.  Your daughter needs Calm, Happy and Relaxed Mom, not Abused, Worried and Frazzled Mom.  Oftentimes on these boards, I advise parents to model for your pwBPD what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes taking care of yourself and maintaining a peaceful home.  It also includes not letting other people walk all over you and tolerating abusive behavior.  You deserve respect, and you won't let misbehavior rule your own home.  How does that sound?

Just so you know, my own adult stepdaughter with BPD has rebounded to my home, several times.  The last time she lived with me, the rules were simple:  free room and board for her, provided that she is respectful, cleans up after herself and finds full-time employment (and works full-time on her job search until then).  When it was clear that she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, her dad asked her to leave.  It was a messy exit (pwBPD don't like boundaries!), but I think it was actually good for everyone.  She landed on her feet, got a job and has been doing OK, even if she's furious at her dad and me for "kicking her out," though it was her own choice to break the house rules.  Meanwhile, we regained peace in our home.  The alternative--having her lie around all day in our home, not contributing, not looking for work, not working on herself, while hating us and blaming us--is much worse for everyone.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

This sounds like pure narcissism where this confidence man (con man) expects people not to eventually catch on to his convoluted stories and dump him promptly.  They expect their targets to be so credulous (believing everything) as to ignore the obvious signs of emotional manipulation and misuse of the trust expected during a close relationship.