Hi, I'm in my first ever relationship with a person who has BPD and I'm doing my very best to be kind, understanding and patient but it doesn't seem quite enough. My partner is very reluctant to tell me what he needs and what I can do to help him prevent splits, and expects me to just know everything. I'm diagnosed with autism and personally struggle to do things without being told how and what to do. What can I do in this situation?

I want to thank you all for the replies.  Overthinking is so automatic that I use it as a reflex, I guess.  I think writing it down helped and I came to the conclusion if the day is a good day I'll drive myself only to support my granddaughter. The oldest grand will be down around that time also in the big city.    It also has occurred to me I wasn't too careful with my post.  And she may well be a member of the group.  Happy New Year!

Hello,

I agree with Notwendy, for therapy treatment to have any effect the person must have at least some insight in their problems.
With my boyfriend eith traits of bpd I found that antidepressants helped him to be more in controll of his emotions = less dysregulation. However this bully kind of talk did not go away completley, it is the way he talks to some extent (not only to me). I think what helped the most were my boundaries, bully talk escalates way less often than it used to. It took around 2-3 years of my consistency with setting this boundaries. I called him out when it was too much, said that I will not talk to him when he is accusing me so much etc. and also a lot if explaining when he was regulated or when he was not totally dysregulated but could grasp that I am really angry and that I will not tolerate this for real. There was a lot of fighting back, wanting to be entiteled to this kind of behaviour, accusing me to causing this behaviour, wanting me to controll his feelings etc., which still happens sometimes, but way less often. It is hard to endure the massive pushbacks we experienc from people with bpd, but it is the only way to more bearable life.

[quote author=SuperDaddy link=topic=3061474.msg13232237#msg13232237 date=1766806346

The problem is that she never understands that this is entirely her issue. She truly believes that all of her partners deserved it.

What's the prognostic of this case? Is there any treatment that can change this pattern, or is it a lost case since she can't see herself as the source of her problems? Would it be the case of EMDR, DBT, or something else? In case this is curable, what would be a realistic timeline for recovery (stop being a bully)?
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EMDR is known to be effective for past trauma. However, for any therapy to be effective, the person has to be motivated to work with the therapist and to recognize it's their own trauma. I don't know of any way to "make" someone see their own trauma- and dissociating from it is one way a person coped with this as a child and still as an adult.

EMDR also requires some preparation between therapist and client. They wouldn't want to have the client recall a trauma without already working with them to develop ways to cope. But from what I know, (and this is a lay board- so we only know our own experiences with pwBPD) it's necessary that the client is motivated to work on their own trauma for this.

Yes, sometimes I have this fear response to someone who is angry, or reminds me of my BPD mother at times.

While you are an adult now, at one time, you were a small child, afraid of a mother raging at you. We have these memories.

What helps me is to recognize the feelings and to take a moment for self care. When someone is angry and yelling, it doesn't help to try to engage them in the moment. It's better to disengage, go be by yourself for a few moments.

It also helps to put the situation in context. Because our mothers were angry at us, we assumed the issue was our fault but sometimes, possibly many times, it isn't. Chances are you aren't responsible for what your SD is angry about.

It does help to not take their words personally, however, we still may have our feelings. You don't have to stay present and listen to someone yelling at you. Excuse yourself, go where you can be alone-, listen to music, take a walk. Grey rocking helps too.

My last experience with my girlfriends emotional breakdowns was when she wanted to turn on peppa pig for her kids an I was on my youtube last and it came up and I told her to switch to her youtube to find it easier and she flipped out because she thought I was hiding something in my youtube history and went into a hateful rage that lasted 2 hours . I tried to empathise and deescalate the situation and she just got madder "because I was spineless and would not stand up for myself"  She is right in the fact that I did not want to fight. Now I have been in a bit of shock and she is trying to make up to me sweet as pie, making sexual advances (which has worked in the past) and now she is accusing me of avoidance behavior. I am not trying to avoid her and I am responding to her . I am just hurt, depressed, and trying to get over it,  I love her and her girls (2 and 4 years old) and when we get along I am very happy. But I am walking through a mine field.

Hi there. My question is about success stories, but it focuses on a specific aspect.

Imagine a that wife fills almost the full DSM checklist for BPD, except that she does not do self-harm. Instead, she opts to do husband-harm. Well, he never bends, and that's why the relationship stands, but she keeps trying. It's trauma-based. No drug use, healthy eating and aided with many good supplements such as Omega-3 and D3.

A typical case in which the paranoid thoughts can be directly linked to childhood traumas. She has a narcissist father and she was his golden daughter who couldn't really meet up with his expectations. Also, he would force her to watch him spank her mother, and even wake her up just to watch it again. As you might expect, she projects her deep anger towards men to her intimate partners, but does that in way that effectively turns her into a real bully. That's it's not only when she gets triggered. She can do provocations because of insecurity, trying to take men out of their balance, just to proove herself that they are somewhat like her father. Or, after a trigger, she may lash out for days based on a self-feeding relentless anger.

The problem is that she never understands that this is entirely her issue. She truly believes that all of her partners deserved it. Unable to recognize how toxic she is, she instead thinks "the relationships" were toxic, always blaming them and rarely herself. After beating her husband for the first time, she asked him if their relationship became toxic, even though he had not retaliated anything.

What's the prognostic of this case? Is there any treatment that can change this pattern, or is it a lost case since she can't see herself as the source of her problems? Would it be the case of EMDR, DBT, or something else? In case this is curable, what would be a realistic timeline for recovery (stop being a bully)?

I thought I'd provide an update on the Christmas holiday.  As a recap, last summer my adult BPD stepdaughter decided to move out of her apartment, before the lease expired, because of friction with her roommates, and live with her dad and me instead.  In order to move in with us again, the deal was that she had to be nice/respectful, clean up after herself and work full-time.  Since she didn't have a job at the time (she had gotten laid off), the expectation was that she had to work diligently to find a full-time job as soon as possible, so that she could obtain affordable health insurance, save up and eventually move out.

At first she made some efforts with the job search, but it seemed her heart wasn't really in it, as she prioritized enjoying summer vacation and undergoing cosmetic procedures.  In addition, since she was hunting for her first office job (rather than food service jobs), she seemed surprised that the application and interview process was more complicated than expected.  She grew frustrated with the job search and resumed her old habit of sleeping the day away.  She became increasingly passive-aggressive, such as refusing to talk with us or eat dinner with us.  Tensions in the home mounted, and her dad started pestering her about sleeping in late and taking naps in the afternoon, when she was supposed to be working and/or conducting a job search.  After all, summer was over, and she needed to be working harder to get on a path towards self-sufficiency.  One day they got into a heated argument over her late wake time--which ended with her dad saying he thought it was time she should leave, and she stormed out.  She found a couple of temporary living situations and then managed to rent an apartment.  I assume she found some sort of employment, though probably not the office job she wanted.  Though she was upset about the argument, she asked her dad for considerable help and support moving out, including moving her heavy furniture, contributing rent money and fixing/selling her car. 

Anyway, because of the tensions with her dad, she stayed away at Thanksgiving, which her dad and I were hosting.  Nevertheless, I was very pleasantly surprised that the day before, she let us know that she wouldn't be visiting--usually she doesn't communicate at all, and we're left hanging, wondering if she'll show up or not.  Even better, on Thanksgiving day she called, chatted briefly with her relatives and wished everyone a happy holiday.  I thought that was a very positive development, even if her family was disappointed that she didn't visit in person.

Sadly however, once the logistics of moving out and selling her car were completed, she blocked her dad.  Initially, he was mostly upset because he felt used, as she didn't thank him for his help.  But now, he's even more upset about being blocked, because he worries about her.  I told him that I thought she felt ashamed to ask for so much help--she doesn't like it and isn't comfortable, and so she can't be grateful, either.  When she was living with us, she couldn't stand knowing that she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, and since we were under the same roof, she couldn't escape the constant feeling of failure.  She needs her space.  I also cautioned him not to get his hopes up for a Christmas visit, because her siblings would be around, and she isn't on equal footing with them yet.  She can't bear to see them happy or hear their cheerful updates when she feels like a failure.  I advised not to push or beg her to visit, because asking her comes with expectation and obligation, which feels too overwhelming to her right now.  Nevertheless, I did hope that we'd see a repeat of Thanksgiving--that she'd call and wish her dad and me a Merry Christmas, and maybe do the same for her siblings.  Instead, she's completely blocked everyone, and she won't respond to any texts or calls.

My husband is terribly sad, and a bit angry too.  He's tired of the family dysfunction which has ruled his life for years now.  But most of all, I think he's devastated that these days, his daughter seems angry, mean, ungrateful and unstable--not a very attractive combination.  He fears she'll never have a loving relationship with anyone if she continues to act this way.  Anger, grief, resentment and alienation are lurking in the background during a holiday that's supposed to be about joy and togetherness.  I try to find the bright side--she's asserting her independence, she has more space to solve her own problems, and we have a more peaceful household right now.  Anyway, with BPD it always feels like two steps forward, one step backward.

I bought my BPD stepdaughter a few nice presents, thinking we'd have a repeat of last year's Christmas, when she didn't visit on Christmas Day (because extended family were around), but she did stop by a couple days later for an intimate gift exchange with only her dad and me.  I suspect that this year I'll be putting those presents aside to give her when she's ready, maybe on her birthday.  And here I was thinking, I wanted to say how proud I am of her for finding her own living situation, starting to support herself and embarking on her own journey.  But it's hard to say that when at the same time, she's hating and treating her family poorly.

I feel like this issue - i.e. the pwBPD reacting this way when someone else in the family is suffering some kind of trauma - has been discussed from time-to-time here. 

I think you're right about the pwBPD always needing to be in the victim role, or always perceiving themselves as the victim.  But I do think they genuinely resent the other party for having something that garners sympathy for the moment; they view it as a threat, maybe?  Or are jealous of it?  And they react in the only way they know how, negatively.

I also wondered if because pwBPD are always playing emotional games to get attention, when someone else is genuinely in need of attention, they instinctively assume the other person is trampling on "their turf" and also faking it?

I've been lucky to be pretty healthy thus far in my life, but there were a couple times during our marriage when I got sick, and one time where I had a bit of a health emergency for a muscle/tissue inflammation and needed to be on bed rest for a couple days.  In each case, BPDxw was surprisingly concerned at first and urged me to go to the doctor.  But after about 24 hours of me not helping out around the house, her sympathy evaporated, along with any patience she had, and she'd start making sarcastic comments about my worth as a man, and asking how long I "planned" to be sick. 

And she'd also conveniently trot out the fact that she was the one who encouraged me to go to the doctor as a sign that she cared more for me than I cared for myself.  It was always a game, and she knew how to play it. 

In the long run, this concerned me because I could not see myself growing old with her.  I would NOT want my health (or life) in her hands.  Nor could I see eventually having to take care of my parents in their old age, with her.  I don't think she's a murderer, but would I want my someday infirm, elderly mother alone with her in the same house?  Absolutely not.