I wonder if anyone else has this issue.

As a disclaimer, I must admit that things have improved with my adult daughter, due in large part to finding a therapist that she very much connected with since she was 15. She's 23 now. Teen years were hard with three "hospital" stays and a reliance on self-harm to cope that was difficult for her to shake. She seemed to loathe us then and that was incredibly hard for us. Did DBT twice and found it helpful. She lives about 4 hrs away with from us with an amazing girlfriend, she has a job and is relying less on us financially as she often states that she wishes to be self-reliant in that way, but is thankful for our help.

What seems to remain and that I've had to "radically accept" is that she find it hard to visit home, and to simply be around my husband and I. This is where I almost feel compelled to fall all over myself and "swear" that we were supportive parents, we didn't berated her, or say things to put her down. When she "came out" to us there was no drama, and we told her we loved her, and thanked her for telling us. We did DBT training as well and learned to validate, and we learned to meet her where she is and developed the ability to let her lead with interactions.

So let me get to the point:  we see her for very short amounts of time. This is what seems to work for her, and it's rather heartbreaking for us. She is an actor, so when she has a play she always tells me. I get tickets, and see the performance, get to hug her and gush about her performance afterwards, and then....she goes back to her apt, I go back to my hotel, and I catch the train home the next day. There is no grabbing a coffee, or a snack or just chatting. I literally see her for about ten minutes after the show, and that's it until months later. That's enough for her. It's been this way for years.  Same happened when she was in college. If we ask to get a bite etc. she declines, feigning that she has "work to do," but over time we realized she wasn't comfortable around us. I imagine we instill an anxiety by our presence. 

I finally got up the nerve to tell her (in a voice message...so in a way that was less "confrontational) that I missed her, and I'd like to see her to grab a meal or chat a little, when I come to her town. Or "do" something with her, if she comes home. Mentioned I'd love to go to a movie or just watch a movie with her at home  etc. She was very receptive, said we could absolutely do that (I think the years of therapy have helped her)....but... nothing has changed.

If she comes home, she's in her (old) room for hours. She'll come out and interact with our dog, briefly chat, and then go out with friends. The only way she'll be around us is if a friend is present. THEN she comes to life. She's bubbly, friendly, engaging....but it appears she cannot do that without the buffer of someone else being around.

She came home briefly to pick up her cat which we were watching while she was on vacation. I had mentioned that I'd love to watch a movie with her. She said she had "work to do," to get ready for a play, and then candidly said, "you know, coming home is not one of my favorite things to do, and ....it's easier to be around you if I have a friend with me." Wow ...I can appreciate the candor, but that was so hard to hear. It's a wonder she comes home at all, if that's how she feels. (She typically doesn't come for holidays...but did for a few days last year which was a huge surprise).

I have friends with such close relationships with their daughters. I yearn for that...but maybe it's just too much. I have to appreciate that she at least wants me at performances, does call me to share good or bad news, does ask for my advice....but cannot handle actually spending time with me.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

Hello,

This place has been very helpful to me. Thank you everyone for making me feel that I am not alone in the struggle.

I am married to pwBPD spouse for a bit more than 20 years. I have realised for the past five years about hopelessness of the situation. I have stuck around because of my daughter who will leave the nest in a year, a timeline that I have also kept for myself to initiate separation.

My wife has been a good mother to my daughter until some 18 months ago. My daughter is progressing through teenage years, and becoming emotionally independent. With that happening, my wife is showing increasingly petulant behaviours towards her. She takes offence on things that seem routine in a teenage life, and then spends long time berating the daughter.

I am trying to support daughter as much as I can. I am posting to seek your opinion about some things to do or not to do as I navigate how I can support my daughter. I really appreciate your experience and opinion.

Thank you.

I should mention too that in my case parents are gone and no other siblings so I don’t have those dynamics to deal with. My own family is supportive.

Thank you all.  Long story short, I did decide to state a break a couple of days ago, before I had read these responses. For various reasons it seemed like the right thing to do. Now I don’t know. There was immediate nasty pushback but none since. But I am finding myself anxiety-ridden about when to reconnect, having made a bad decision, etc. I’m trying to talk myself through it, ie that I’m going my best in a hard situation. And I’m trying breathing and other calming techniques. Not working great. Wish I could just be asleep!!

If the father lost custody for such serious reasons, should you inform those agencies or courts that your adopted daughter has brought them together again?  Then the responsible professionals can take over from there.  However, it's possible nothing may happen if the child doesn't have a protection order.

I didn't go NC but when I began to have boundaries with my parents- the result was their escalating. This was an early attempt and I didn't expect the reaction, because I wasn't being rude or disrespectful.

I had concerns for my father's well being when he was ill, as I could see that BPD mother's behavior was escalating. I also had concerns about how BPD mother would (mis) manage their money if Dad was unable to. I tried to assist.  They refused. When my parents didn't allow me to assist, I emailed my father to please get someone he trusted to assist them. The email was respectful (I've re-read it several times) and with the intent to please get help if they didn't want me to do it.

Somehow that email became "evidence" to BPD mother of me abandoning them, resulting in them deciding I had disappointed them as a daughter.

I learned that communicating a boundary directly to BPD mother could potentially be misinterpreted in a different way, and from her victim perspective, used as some kind of "evidence of wrongdoing" on my part when none was intended or done.

My "LC" was less about how often to contact but more about the content of our communications and my own behavior. Boundaries are about us, not the other person. The idea of slow fade was to not make sudden moves in terms of less communication, but to lessen the emotional content of it, and also to be less emotionally reactive to BPD mother.

What helped me the most was realizing that my daughter has a mental illness that I'm powerless to cure.  She has made major strides in therapy and like your son, she's much better at coping than her teens and early 20's.  She's 27 now.

Like you, my contact is limited because I can't be in the middle of the highs and lows of her everyday life.  When things are good, she rushes into things care-free without thinking about consequences.  When things are bad, she hates everyone and the world is against her.  I honestly don't know which is worse, the manic or the depressive.  Her worst decisions by far have been when she was on top of the world, and that always leads to a major crash when reality catches up.

So I've stepped way back to exit that cycle, and it gives me so much clarity that I didn't have before.  When she's in crisis, I can remain calm and supportive.  When she's hyper and excited, I can warn her that her actions could be harmful and be okay regardless if she listens or not.  I've realized that it's her life and she has to live it.

If I don't have any control, and I have very little influence on how she lives life, then I'm not going to focus on it anymore.  She can call or visit and I'll be supportive...but I won't be in the middle of anything.  I'll listen, calm her down, and give short, basic advice.  The rest is up to her though and I accept that.

Because of an elderly aunt, I called about reporting someone's driving. In your state it could be DMV, or MVD or DPS, and my cousin asked me to find out because she was afraid her mother would catch her calling them.

I was told that in our state, anyone can report someone at risk behind the wheel, and it can be anonymous. I didn't ask how they would follow-up if I reported her. In your H's case, someone could have gotten his license number from the scary incidents he described.

As background. At the time being I'm not being contacted by my swubpd in a crisis. In fact he will even call just to say hi which is wonderful.  His life is stable and he's managing ok as far as I know. I don't pry like I used to. He's a single Dad and at 45 the big dramas have so far been more spaced out than the daily drama through his teen years and 20's. In his life there has been suicide attempts, physical violence with knives, hospital stays, running away, homelessness, police calls... Thankfully, it seems for quite a long while those worst days are behind him. He's had success in his work and puts effort into being the best dad he can be. .
Still - I have struggled with not living in fear daily, waiting for the next crisis. I'm doing better than a month ago on managing my anxiety and even doing hobbies that I enjoy yet abandoned years ago.
Initially I thought to ask you all - how do you prepare yourself for the next wave. Now I wonder if it's not about looking and waiting for it. Instead, being solid in what my boundaries are, getting the therapy that's supporting me, checking in here on the board and practicing living a my life not focused on one person.
I know my thoughts to prepare myself were to protect my heart from hurting. I believe that  if/when I'm faced with not rescuing my son, my heart will hurt. It'll be painful.  I will survive and get stronger and by the grace of God he will too.
I think about all the families here that are going through such horribly difficult times. I hope you're taking advantage of support available, this disease is brutal. And I hope you see improvements as they come, even if small.

You can still have your own boundary with not riding in the car with him when he's driving, or driving yourself when you two go somewhere- or also call an Uber for the two of you. When he decides to drive on his own- that's his decision.