Hi Naild,
You are in the right place!  I recently joined as well with the same story.  Adult daughter, family that has backed up because the drama is just non-stop.  I have guilt also- for feeling angry at my daughter for what she has said and done towards me.  I have guilt also for stepping back and resting during this break.  (I have done something, and she refuses to tell me what it is).
There is safety here.  And there are lots of folks who can confirm that you are not the problem they think you are… I hope you can find some peace in knowing you are not the only one.  It is sad but true…. We are so many going through the same thing.  Take care of you the best you can

Thank you forever dad. No the woman in question is not in therapy. I have tried a few times to diplomatically suggest it …gee that was a bad move. Said I’d pay as this can’t be normal behaviour.  She Accused me of saying she was sick and ill  and there was something wrong with her and how could I do that and then how much she hated me. Then about controlling her and taking away her sense of self by making such suggestions. So much so she considered suicide apparently. Then I tried to be smart and suggested the patterns and volatility and asked if they are normal and then got yelled at again because those suggestions implied she wasn’t normal. Then goes on to say she hasn’t had these issues she has with me with anyone else. So it must be me as the problem.

My undiagnosed BPD husband of only 2.5 years moved out this morning after I initiated a separation about a month ago.

I have been hurt before in relationships and I truly trusted this man with everything. I was very careful at the start, constantly looking for signs of emotional availability and the ability to repair. He showed me he had this and could repair after we had conflict. Of course I now realise this was the idealisation phase.

Anyway, I'm utterly heartbroken. He left at 5am this morning for work without a goodbye. Yesterday I asked 'what do you want to do about contact between us?' His reply, 'I'm going to be really busy over the next few days but you can message if you want.' ouch!! I just said 'I'll leave you to it then.'

I know logically that I need to disconnect from this man who I thought I could have a healthy marriage with but emotionally I feel there is still a part of me holding on. I want him to care. I want him to hurt. I want him to wake the f@*k up and do the work on himself that he needs to do. I know the chances of that are slim though.

Please share some words of wisdom, guidance, support, comfort. Anything to get me through this. I have great friends but they won't fully understand being in a relationship with BPD.

Hi everyone,
I am joining this group because I am completely drained and feeling incredibly isolated. I am 69 years old, a widow, and living in Spain. For the past 15 years, I have been riding the unpredictable rollercoaster of my 37 daughter's suspected BPD.
I am completely exhausted by the constant moods, the endless dramas, the ups and downs, and being the dumping ground for everything negative in her life, asking for money. Mostly, I hold my tongue to keep the peace, but the emotional labor is becoming too much to bear at this stage in my life.
We just had another blowout over something as simple as me mentioning she left her car headlights on. She completely twisted it into a massive criticism, accused me of calling her a "nasty person" in the past (which I have never, ever done).  I have hit the wall.
I have a therapist and friends, but my friends don't have children and don't understand how agonizingly difficult it is to set boundaries with your own kid. To make matters harder, her brother has hit his own wall of exhaustion and completely refuses to hear anything about her anymore, leaving the entire emotional burden on me. Her father (my ex husband) has little or no contact with her.
I am heartbroken, angry, and so tired of walking on eggshells. I am hoping to connect with other parents who understand the crushing guilt of trying to step back, and how lonely it feels when your family shuts down around the issue.

I still do it because, well, I'm socially reserved; I don't go up and chat with strangers, or meet new people as a general habit.  And on top of that, I work from home, live in an area where I have no family or established connections prior to adulthood in.  and I don't go to church, or otherwise really engage with the public (except at my local bar).  Not easy to meet people. 

But yeah, as much as it pains me to say this - since I'm included in this demographic - chances are higher that anyone still single in America after their early 30's is that way because they are not easy to get along with. 

I think about it this way: looking at various studies (the CDC, Johns Hopkins, etc.) it's estimated that between 10-20% of American adults have some sort of mental problems... if not a Cluster-B disorder, then depression, manic depression, or something else like that.  You figure as time goes on, more and more of those that do not have mental problems pair off, get happily married, and leave the dating pool.  so over time the percentage of people in the dating pool with a mental disorder exceeds 10-20%

oh yes, this. When my wife left three years ago to run off with her drug dealer she told him, and her friends, that I’d slept with her sister. When I got wind of it over two years ago I messaged my SIL  warning her, and told her my ex had singled out me, her and my ex’s business partner as people she held a grudge against, which is ironic considering we are or were the three people that she knew she could trust and had her back.

I upset my ex last week, so she then contacted her business partner and somehow manipulated her into messaging her sister and accuse her of having an affair with me, leaving her to explain things to her husband. True to her word she has carried through with that grudge to create drama between the three of us. I have never slept with my sister in law by the way!

I just hope now she has done this her sister realises I wasn’t making things up, that she has been lied about and used to create drama so my ex appears to be the victim and she has held a grudge against the three of us just as I told her she had.

Welcome to our peer support network.  And yes, we wish the reason to visit was a more positive one.  You will find we have a wealth of hard-won collective wisdom accumulated over many years.

Many here never learned of a diagnosis, so we have to make our own observations and conclusions.  You've struggled for nearly 5 years with your girlfriend but with little or no progress.  You would have to admit she has major behavioral issues.

As Maya Angelou wrote, "When people show you who they are, believe them."

BPD is a disorder known to be very resistant to those closest to them (partners included).  It is due to deep emotional connection which is so triggering to them.  So my question is whether she is in therapy?  When there is progress, it is with people who have no emotional relationship with them.  The problem is that BPD traits usually include extreme Volatility, Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

So a better future would include her being in regular meaningful therapy sessions, applying the mindfulness approaches in her daily life and perceptions.

On a more practical note, don't worry too much about this, and don't try too hard to defend yourself. It is practically a rite of passage for disordered people to make things up at the end of the relationship, accusing their loving ex-partners of all kinds of nonsense. They can be extremely convincing, too. I believed some things uBPDx said about his former partner which in hindsight, seem unlikely to be fair or true.

If you behave consistently and with integrity it will become clear to those closest to you that the lies are, well, lies. And as for the others, well, let them talk. 

I notice that you ask a lot of rhetorical questions regarding the behaviour of people around you:


Sadly, in my experience, most people aren't very brave. They find it easier not to confront brazen hypocrisy and chaos, as exhibited by disordered people and their enablers. Society does not make it easy for people to be brave - we aren't taught or supported in this. It is not a reflection of your value as a person.

Can you surround yourself with one or two trusted people who you can rely on at this time? What can you do to give compassion, respect and dignity to yourself? You shouldn't have to solve this problem on your own, but the more you can retain your own centre of gravity, the less you'll be disappointed when other people don't back you the way they maybe should.

Hi punkertron,

Sadly, many of us can imagine your situation all too well. As you say, it is devastating and disorienting. The post breakup transformation to a seemingly completely different person, with relationships, preferences, values - everything that constituted the person who you thought you knew turned upside down. You've expressed it here so powerfully, and I for one certainly relate.


Not everyone has the capacity to love and support another person, to enter into a genuine partnership with another person. You should feel proud that you do, and did.

I was devastated when the person I thought was a loving partner dedicated to our shared values and shared life together - and who I had supported personally and financially through multiple mental health crises and other issues - cheated on me with a mutual friend, tried to gaslight me, kicked me out of our shared home, financially mistreated me, unaccountably spent funds that had been allocated for charitable purposes, handed over some of my belongings to the control of his affair partner, and through carelessness, caused the loss of the ashes of my beloved childhood pet (!).

It was not a good experience.

Less than a year later, I am living a very different life - freer and more fulfilled. I could never have experienced this with uBPDx-partner in tow. Sometimes I am exhilarated, overwhelmed even, by how much joy and experience this world contains. The intelligence and clarity with which you write leads me to believe this might be in store for you, as well.