Yes I have researched Stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding. il take e a look at the post you recommended too. I know a lot of this im just in a world of pain right now.

That’s fair and probably the biggest question. The trust issues were a huge deal because they weren’t imagined, they were based on things I later found out were true. So it wasn’t just insecurity, it was injury. And that’s part of what made the second round so hard, I loved her, but I never really felt safe in it. Arguments didn’t often turn physically violent until the end, but there was a lot of emotional instability and confusion underneath.

Going forward I have switched to a therapist that specialises in trauma recovery. also. am working with a therapist on my codependence and anxious attachment style weekly. I really am doing all I can right now to work on and improve myself. hopefully this is how I avoid repeating the bast. by becoming stronger and more mentally resilient. and I would think if she wanted to come back she would be willing to start healing journey of her own. my biggest question is, how long do I leave it before making contact? my gut tells me 3 - 3 and a half months, but I do worry she forms a new attachment in that time so its a big risk.

We often quote the instructions given at the start of every air flight... "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to aid others, and follow the attendants' directions."

We can't help others if we haven't first ensured our own safety.

That's just the reality, so we mustn't feel guilty about putting ourselves first in such scenarios.

Have you researched "Stockholm Syndrome" or similar relationship dilemmas?  You may not have been a literal prisoner or hostage and brainwashed, but emotionally you became deeply invested in the relationship.  Your ex may have been able to turn her feelings and loyalties on and off, but a reasonably normal person like you can't do that.

Also, ponder the various aspects of how you're "grieving a loss".  A handful of stages are involved, you can bounce back and forth among them but eventually you need to end up at Acceptance of What Is.

Over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have a topic Grieving our Losses which discusses that it is a winding path back and forth before we Accept and fully deal with the loss, in this case, of a doomed relationship.

In the historical male/female marriage, both parents are legally equals.  Yet I'm sure many disordered mothers, my ex included, felt "but I'm the one who gave birth!"  Yet I recall what happened in my marriage and separation...

When the police were called they did not attempt very hard to decide what or who was right or wrong.  Their priority was to ensure the dispute was resolved sufficiently for them to consider the incident ended.  (The police can even decide to cart off one or both parents to be sure the incident is over.)  What my police would say during my separation was, "Fix this in court, get a court order if you don't have one or get the court to use the existing court order to resolve the issue."  My court viewed us as equally bickering - and issued decisions accordingly - since it had no interest whether one or both parents had mental health issues.

Since by that time we were already separated and had a court order, the court order specified our parenting schedule.  My ex was no longer The Authority.  Of course, neither of us was expected to "endanger or neglect" the child.

In your marriage it may be that she feels deep down, "But I'm the birth mother!"  Yet that is probably not a legal statement.  (You can research your status with lawyer who are experts in your local jurisdiction.)  Marriage provides both responsibilities and protections.

Likely your local police, if called during a dispute, as well as your local family court would handle incidents similar to how other cases, such as my experience above, occurred.

What we don't know... is how your spouse would react if/when you set a Boundary that your parenting - such as with visits in parks, restaurants, vacations or elsewhere - will not be obstructed.

Sorry, I wanted to add that my mom has actually been very supportive of my decision to move out. She knows I need my own space and home. She understands and agrees with me that I shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving. Even my own sister has said the same. But my issue is they have always barely gotten by and never taken the right precautions or made very solid plans for their own living situation to keep it sustainable. I tried to help and offer advice but they rarely took it seriously until it was basically too late and the damage was done. I even told my mom I would not be taking care of my sister when she passes away and again, she and my sister both expressed they completely agree it would be totally unfair. But they aren’t exactly giving me a huge vote of confidence that they are putting in the work to prevent that being the reality. It almost feels inevitable which makes it worse. My sister has struggled to find and stay at jobs for one reason or another. I’ve warned her she has to get her _____ together and just work to earn a living at this point. If she’s lucky she won’t end up homeless. I hope not. But I know that’s not on me to fix for her.

You are on the right path, by not engaging after receiving some nasty texts. It can feel so much lighter when we let the abusers take responsibility for their feelings and we don't allow ourselves to be the person they unload on by getting us engaged in JADING.

It's been a while. Hello friends  

A little background. I initially discovered this site because my MIL exhibits BPD behaviors and it wreaked havoc on my marriage. Thanks to BPDFamily, therapy, setting better personal boundaries and a husband who was willing to examine and change behaviors, my marriage is in a really good place today.

About four years ago, my middle daughter was diagnosed with BPD as well. Who knew the years of anguish spent sorting through my MIL's BPD behaviors would end up here.

In short, I have three kids. I was my BPD kiddo's person. After a challenging relationship with my husband, she split and took her siblings with her. The oldest and youngest now speak to me. They miss me and seem torn. I haven't spoken to the middle one, C, for five years. My heart breaks every day. I toggle between lingering guilt (should I have done some differently?), shame (so hard to talk about this, people don't know what to say), grief (it's like grieving a death she is choosing), healing (because I know that's what I'm responsible for).

She is the only one that also lives in my city, and I happen to know through her siblings that she is dating a guy named N. I don't stalk her social media but I have looked her up, so I know what he looks like. He happened to be working at a kiosk I frequent with friends yesterday. I didn't talk to him. We've never met. It was the closest contact I've had with my kid in years, and it was overwhelmingly triggering for reasons I can't quite verbalize yet.

I just needed to put the story somewhere that people would understand. If you're also dealing with this, I hope for you what I hope for me - that we find moments of joy, that we live life fully and continue to grow and find meaning and purpose.

  pj

Hello, I’ll try to reply to comments. I hope I’m doing this right. Honestly it just felt really good to get this off my chest. After I made this post, I had a really bad fight that got physical between me and my sister. If it wasn’t for our mom I don’t know how far I would have gotten and that really shook me to my core. I’m very flattered by your kind words. Truth is I’ve struggled mentally as well in a lot of ways. I’m just maybe less broken than my sister from what we both pulled from the CPTSD lottery. I have decided that by the end of next year I’d be moving out. I’m saving money and tried applying to some affordable housing programs, as well as joined a Facebook group for women needing roommates. I would prefer to live on my own after the experiences I had with being kicked out of my ex best friend’s life. But I’m also keeping an eye out on how my mom and sister manage if I’m gone. Every day that passes my gut tells me I need to save myself before anyone else. I need my own stable home that I’m fully in charge of. So regardless, I’ll be moving, hopefully before I’m 30.

Hey Steve.  I guess I'd ask what the story's like between the stories.  You were together for awhile, it got ugly and ended.  Six months later, you were back.  You also had trust issues and they were somewhat validated.

How big of a deal is the trust issues?  And how often did things turn into an argument that had a chance of turning violent?

Could you get her back?  Absolutely...at least in time.  But how do you avoid repeating the past?  How do you learn to trust her when it sounds like for most of the 2nd relationship, you weren't sure if you even wanted to be there?

I'm playing devil's advocate here, of course, but these are important things to really think through.  Thankfully, you'll have some time before speaking with her again.  Really dig deep and find the answer- what we say about your love life doesn't matter.  You know it's a harmful relationship and you know you love her anyway.  Figure out how that fits together.