Thank you for your response SuperDaddy. I just learned about boundaries. I didn't even know it was a thing until recently. I don't think my husband has any, and he expects me to not have any too. If I set boundaries I am afraid he will feel unloved, call me selfish. I'll feel like a bad wife. I've always had a hard time saying no in my life. We even joke about it. No I'm not afraid of losing this relationship. I'd actually be relieved, but that will never happen. He relies on me for everything. I do love him, but I'm exhausted and stressed to the max.

Hi MiserareNobis , and welcome to the BPD family.

Everyone gets affected when their spouse has a serious mental disorder that is so taxing. However, the lack of boundaries has taken this too far. I'll ask some questions, and in case you feel comfortable answering any of them, the other members will have better information to help you out. Here are my questions:

1) Can you elaborate more on why you don't know how to set boundaries?
2) Do you fear his negative reaction? How do you feel when he gets upset?
3) Are you afraid of losing this relationship?

My BPD daughter is being charged with stalking a long time friend.  The two, both with serious mental issues, had a major falling out about ten months ago.  My daughter, who says she wants to never have anything to do with this person has, apparently, been trying to regain the friendship by constantly calling, following, leaving notes and little presents and even bothering this lady’s neighbors to find out where she is.  The friend has now filed a request for a restraining order.  My daughter is denying this and is planning to tell her story in court.  My daughter’s  boyfriend of six years passed away a few months before this all started.  She lost him and then also this friend.  My daughter does not acknowledge that she has any problems, it’s everyone else.  I’ve convinced her to see a counselor but my daughter is manipulative and only wants the counselor to support her, so she does not speak the truth.  This type of behavior has been going on for the last forty years. For her son, my grandson, he has lived with this for all of his 21 years. Her behavior has severely impacted our lives and we are at a loss as to what to do.  Thank you.

I am pretty sure my husband has BPD/NPD. Looking back, the signs have always been there, but he had a mental health crisis in Feb 2022 and since then it's been intense. I have to spend all my time with him. 100% one on one direct attention on my days off and he comes and meets me for my 30 min lunch break on work days. He doesn't work. I don't get any time with our children. He wants sex twice a day preferably or at least daily. However, he struggles with sexual dysfunction. So on my days off we spend at least 6-10 hours a day trying to get him to climax which we are lately unsuccessful at. I wish I was dead. I've encouraged him to go to the doctor, therapy. He just gets mad at me for "not understanding". Everything is my fault. If I just did this better or that better. I need encouragement. I don't know how to set boundaries. Every day I talk myself out of suicide. Thank you for this forum.

Over the years many have found it necessary to end all communication after a dysfunctional relationship ends.  Of course, an exception would be if there are shared children.  In that case, parenting issues would necessitate at least a minimum of communication.

Apparently you have some contact with your ex?  While that may be a nice gesture on your part, sort of basic civility, we've found that continuing contact generally can be counterproductive.

Since this is the Bettering board, we are limited in the direction of our responses.  What are key factors are that it is a new relationship, only a year thus far, and you have no children together, also thus far.  Speaking within the limits of this board, I would agree that you ponder seriously whether this partnership has a healthy and functional future before you even consider having children in such a troubled relationship.

My own history is that I was married for over a decade with an increasingly unmanageable spouse.  I hoped having a child together - clueless me - would make everything better.  Instead it got worse.  Our marriage failed within a few years and our son was in counseling for many years starting at 3 years of age.  Our collective experience here is that having children does not fix the dysfunction and usually compounds the problems.

How to improve the existing relationship?  So much depends on your partner.  I'm sure you've tried to guide her to better perspectives and behavior but she is resistant to your efforts.  Sadly, as the person closest to the disordered partner, you're the last one she'd listen to.  Why?  Borderline is a disorder most impacting and triggering to close relationships.  That's why focused therapy with an experienced but emotionally neutral therapist is so crucial.

This quote says it best... Your partner would have to seriously want to fix her issues.  If not, well...

Hi there mom,

It can be tricky to determine if your son is calling to update, vent, manipulate or find emotional support.  Do you have a sense of what the underlying purpose of the calls is?  It's also possible that it's a mix of all these elements.

When people I love are going through a rough patch, they'll often call to vent, and/or talk through their thoughts and feelings.  Generally I try to be a supportive listener, with lots of validation (That's too bad . . . This must be really tough on you).  A "normal" person might give some hints about their general approach (I'll be OK when this is over, I just need to say this out loud because I can't let anyone else know what's going on, I'm embarrassed, I need to vent my frustrations, I can't believe this is happening, I'm not sure how to handle this).  A normal person might suggest some solutions himself (I think I should back off, Maybe this is a good time for a change, I need to take a break, I just have to accept that things aren't turning out as I hoped).  Then I might re-validate or provide some perspective (You always land on your feet, This isn't the end of the world even if it feels like it right now, It makes sense to take a step back before deciding what to do).  A healthy conversation will seem to have some sort of resolution:  the opportunity to vent, to consider options, to get perspective, to feel less alone and more supported.  I might add though that a "normal" person probably doesn't call to get re-affirmation that they're a good person, that you love and support them; they already know that, just by being there and listening.  I think a pwBPD has so many self-doubts and is unsure about their status that they may merely be looking for reassurance--I love you, you're doing the right thing, you'll figure it out, I'll always be on your side.  Perhaps the issue has less to do with the day-to-day struggles and more to do with self-identity.

I bet you have experience with prior conversations to determine what sort of need your son is trying to fulfill by calling you.  When you validate his feelings, does he seem to calm down, or does he take that as an invitation to blame you for something else?  The longer you talk with him, do you find yourself getting more and more worried, or maybe you feel like you know what's going on with your son?  With the information, do you feel better or worse?  When the call has ended, does your son seem to snap back to "normal" in a day or two, or does he seem to spiral?  Maybe you can use the lens of past experience to guide you about what to do.

There was an epoch of peak dysregulation with the pwBPD in my life when she would make suicide threats and attempts.  They started out as threats whenever she didn't get what she wanted.  Then she seemed to morph and use self-harm in order to get out of doing things she didn't want to do.  Ultimately there were times that she would threaten self-harm and attempt suicide because she lost all hope and didn't want to live any longer.  I think her threats needed to be taken seriously, because she was extremely impulsive, mercurial and angry, and I felt like she could follow through, which she did multiple times.  In addition, she was showing that she didn't value her life--it almost felt like she would attempt suicide merely to punish her family.  I felt like she went "nuclear," and that we had to treat every threat and gesture seriously.  Even if she didn't really mean it, she had to learn that putting her very life in jeopardy couldn't be used as a coping mechanism.  Sometimes her dad didn't want to call 911 or take her to the hospital, because he didn't want to see his daughter in the hospital again, and she didn't want to go.  But I believe he wasn't thinking clearly, because he was ruled by the FOG.  It turned out that taking her to the hospital after suicide threats and attempts ultimatly got her the help she needed.

But I recognize that some people might mention suicide, yet not have any real intention.  Recently I had a close family member confess that he had suicidal thoughts after facing a setback.  I think it's typical for people to have fleeting thoughts about suicide from time to time.  Yet in his case, I didn't feel there was any risk that he'd act on those feelings, as he's generally stable and resilient.  In the following months I checked in with him often, and it was clear to me he got over the initial shock of the setback, and that he's OK, even if he still struggles with the aftermath.

Anyway, I had a similar experience as Pook, with an adult child with BPD making frequent requests for money.  When she was younger and in school, it felt more natural to help out.  But these days, her requests for money result from her unwillingness to work, budget and control her spending on wants vs. needs.  Her dad has increasingly refused to pay her bills and rescue her all the time.  The typical response to the "no" on the money question is to cut off communication, as punishment.  Though it's not ideal--blocking family members whenever she doesn't get what she wants--it's better than prolonging financial irresponsibility.  I think she has to learn to budget and live within her means, because we can't afford to finance a "resort" lifestyle for the rest of her life, while we make all the sacrifices.  Of course her dad still sends her money frequently, but not as much "on demand" as before.  My opinion is that he still sends her too much.  It would be one thing if she were doing everything she is supposed to be doing (working hard, managing a budget, learning to be self-sufficient, spending responsibly) and faced a temporary, unforseen bill.  It's another issue entirely to send money that enables prolonged unemployment, an unaffordable lifestyle and spending on wants over needs.

Just my two cents.

Hi BCGuy and welcome to the family. 

You mentioned that you broke up five months ago, but her actions since then haven't been typical.  Can you explain what you mean by that?

For many BPDs, there's a push/pull dynamic of them sabotaging the relationship, telling their partners to leave, then acting perplexed or becoming enraged when they actually do leave.  That's because the goal was never to get you to leave, it was to vent their frustrations and have you fight for them.

I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the crux of the mental illness.

Look at it this way; you think the relationship is doomed.  We're giving you a place to start that can prove yourself wrong.  So you communicate a different way, validate her feelings/needs, but also tie in the reality of what needs to happen for her to have everything she wants.

If you're successful and she is willing, it saves the relationship and turns it arounds.  If you fail, then you haven't lose anything because you're confirming that it's doomed.  At least this way, you're giving it a fair chance and trying to help her see reason at the same time.

I wish you luck, my friend!

Also to add- we kids were not the only "blame". Sometimes it was my father's work, she'd say things like he is stressed from work, or something else. When he retired, she also couldn't blame his job. Still, it was projection, and retirement also was a change in that.