Thank you both for the very wise counsel. It is clear to me that I have zero control over this situation and most others if I am honest with myself. Over 10 years together, I have rushed to help or save something that clearly could not be saved by me. The conflict it creates leaves us both distant, and has resulted in my children removing themselves from her life. They are adults and feel it is in their own best interest to stay away. It doesn't seem to get any easier. Good to hear that I am not alone. I have been working with my own therapist to figure out if I can do this for another 10 years. I'm not sure that I can.  Thank you for the reply.

Hi, and thank you all for your engagement. I've reflected a bit on what people have said about differentiating between what I called "quiet BPD" and just BPD. I can see that I'm using the term to downplay my situation. From reading here and knowing other pwBPD, I guess I think that my partner's behaviors are not as rough as others, and that I should be able to handle it. But despite all that, I'm deeply questioning if I really can in the long run. When it's good, it's good, and then something happens and I return to this forum in a haze, grasping for understanding, until I forget again.

Something that's coming up for me in these considerations is a feeling that's probably familiar to y'all: immense guilt. How can I consider ending the relationship when I'm sure she'll use it as evidence that she's unloveable? I feel so guilty imagining causing her this deep pain, but I also feel like I'm not living true to my own values when I stay in a relationship that I don't feel emotionally capable of and that I feel quite distant from. How do you handle being in this place of inner conflict? How do I deal with this guilt? I have recently started attending indivudal therapy, and I'm hopeful about having a space to air some difficult thoughts, but as always, I really appreciate the life experiences of people in this group.

Hi GrayJay,

I got interested in your post and took the time to read all of your previous ones. I'm interested because I believe that I have the explanation for what's happening in your life, the solution for that, and finally why this got so much worse after so many years.

In theory, BPD comes from an invalidating environment in childhood. So usually they didn't get enough reassurance and affection, at least not to the level they were needing, and then developed poor ways of dealing with it. So the accusations of you being disordered might be a projection of how they felt about their caregivers in their childhood.

When you stop directing your energy on them, strongly enforce boundaries, and redirect your energy on yourself, they see you as selfish and then call you a narcissist. Then they may provoke you as a last effort to rob your attention by saying the nastiest stuff to take you out of balance. But if you don't shake and don't cry, then they may accuse you of being a robot or a psychopath, someone without emotions.

Like you, I had already done some research to verify if their accusations made any sense, but I used self-assessment tools and then went directly to the diagnostic criteria from the DSM, so I quickly noticed it was nonsense.

I have seen this pattern with 3 of my wives, who are all affected by BPD, but not in my HPD partner. But if you pay close attention, you'll notice that this is a transient opinion, which they only withstand while they are devaluing you.

If you try to talk about her opinions in a moment that is being very joyful, you'll notice the difference. She might not want to simply drop the accusations because that would make her completely lose her self-confidence, but you'll notice that she won't be as sure as she was in the other moments when dysregulated. I know you might not want to bring it up in joyful moments because you are afraid of triggering her and ruining the moment. But talking about it when she is not dysregulated might be a beneficial activity (as long as it's a warm conversation and she remains stable).

One of the reasons why you care about what she says is because she is not a stranger. She is your wife. But as you notice that this is a transient opinion, it might not become so important for you anymore. And before taking the next step, it's important that you understand the volatility of her perceptions, because that will make you less worried about what she says. So please take the courage to bring it up in a moment that things are all good between both of you, but make sure you are doing it in the most lovable way that you can, while seeking to understand how she feels rather than expressing your resentment. Hopefully, you both still have peaceful moments together, do you?

Ok, now here is how you make her stop calling you a narcissist: You agree with her! In essence, inside her unconscious mind, it will feel like you're finally agreeing with her that her caregiver acted in a narcissistic way toward her in some moments of her childhood and that this interaction was traumatizing for her. What feeling will she have after that interaction? Relief, and finally the validation of her feelings.

Ok, I know that in my suggestion I'm telling you to validate a distorted perception of hers, and that can make BPD distortions worse. But here it's different because you are the one being accused, so it will have the opposite effect. Let's assume you get angry at your job and keep bullying/provoking your coworker, calling him gay. Then, unexpectedly, he publicly announces that he is homosexual. Would you continue with the behavior or choose to stop? Now imagine you call another coworker an idiot. But then he reveals that he has had brain surgery, that it lowered his IQ to 80, and that he has an official mental disability. Again, would you keep calling him an idiot? I guess you'd stop, right? So what have those two coworkers actually done? They agreed, and with that, they took control of the situation.

If you think about it, why would it be so bad to be a narcissist? Narcissists have problems in their job and their relationships and become irritated easily and very badly. But if you are retired and have friends and good relationships, then you would at least be a successful narcissist, right?

Accusing you of being a narcissist is the only way that she has found to express her own pain, and you'll then just be an actor for her by temporarily assuming the role of the narcissist. I say temporarily, because once you completely assume the label, she will then stop trying to convince you about it and over time will realize that she was wrong. What really matters is that she will stop pushing this campaign.

As a first step before agreeing, you might want to tell other family members that you'll agree with her accusations, but make sure that they won't tell her. Then, wait for her next round of accusations, and then do the agreement process gradually, in baby steps, so that it doesn't look like sarcasm.

To be continued...

Hi there,

I hope you take the time on your break to clear your head and plan your next response.  Look, my BPD stepdaughter recently lived with her dad and me for a few months, and over that time her behavior deteriorated.  She was supposed to be looking for work, but she was sleeping/napping excessively during the work week.  She was supposed to be working part-time, but she barely did.  She was supposed to be helping, and she really wasn't.  She was supposed to be saving up money to move out, but she wasn't, because she prioritized trips/cosmetic surgery/take-out foods.  She was supposed to be nice, and she increasingly wasn't.  Tensions mounted in the home and there were arguments, with lashings out, too.  During an argument that felt "manufactured" by my stepdaughter, her dad said he thought it was about time she left.  He was fed up, and she didn't want to be with us anyway (except for the free lodging/food).  She left and was basically forced to figure out her life.  It wasn't an ideal exit, and she's avoiding us right now, but I think it was for the best, because continuing on the downward spiral wasn't good for anyone.

I'm not saying your situation is the same.  But if you let your daughter scream at you and treat you so badly that you can't stand living in your home anymore, then that's not a situation you want to be facing long-term.  I understand there's grief involved, and that nerves are frazzled, and you can have some compassion there.  Sometimes there are temporary, uncomfortable situations that you feel capable of tolerating.  Most parents here have to endure rollercoaster emotions with their loved ones with BPD.  I guess the questions I ask are, do I feel abused? used? resentful most of the time?  That tells me the situation isn't working, and I need to enforce some boundaries, to preserve my own well-being.  The pwBPD is free to sabotage her life, but I can't let her take me down with her.  The thing with BPD is that limits and boundaries are constantly tested--her pain and disordered thinking is so extreme that she doesn't care one bit if what she's doing in the moment is hurtful to others.  Since she has no limits, you have to enforce boundaries to protect yourself.

If you are in the US, benzos are a controlled substance so eventually your pwBPD would run out and need a new prescription. Because they are addictive, her doctor can't just prescribe them without a specific reason, because the standard is to choose a drug that isn't addictive. This is why the prescription for the antidepressant is needed as the main treatment. It's not the doctor's personal rule, it's a standard of medical practice.

None of this is your fault. Your partner would have to have gone to the doctor eventually for a new prescription when she ran out. Even if the doctor prescribed both- the choice to actually take the medicine is up to her. She could still take only the benzo if she wants.

So really, there's nothing to blame you for. It would have gone this way anyway and she can still decide to take the antidepressant or not. So your getting into this with her just becomes a conflict, with no other outcome.

I understand your feelings and wanting your pwBPD to stay healthy and mentally well. As an adult though, she makes her own choices. My BPD mother chose how to take her own medicine too, whether or not it was wise to do it or what we wanted. This was a matter between her and her doctor. I agree with Pook- you getting into this only results in conflict, so best to let her make her own decisions.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I can completely relate with your journey and my BPD/bi-polar daughter was in that exact scenario approximately 13 years ago (she's almost 27 now).

First off, yes, the in-house treatment programs for teens is like going to a sleepaway camp.  That drove me nuts as well, and my kid would come home with all new best friends (who would eventually lead her to her next spiral as the others became suicidal).  She would steal cars to drive across the state to save others, she would run away from home, the list of behaviors were endless.

My kid was also super smart, low genius IQ.  In 7th grade, she scored in the top .1% nationwide in math for the standardized testing.  It was the highest score ever in our state, yet she got a "D" in math that year.  She deserved an "F" but they had pity on her because that's when all the in-house stuff started.

For the "this is the best place ever!!!" comments...that's only a partial truth.  Your kid is learning manipulation and she'd never tell you that she doesn't want to be there.  Why?  Because she can't let you win!  Those places are really nice though and it's necessary by law and to build rapport with the specialists.

Additionally, what's actually wrong...they don't diagnose most mental illnesses in the US for kids under 18.  That's because once it's on a chart, it never goes away, and a lot of it is juvenile rebellion.  Still, the longer she's in places like that, the sooner you'll get an unofficial diagnosis.  So it's a game you must play.

For my BPD daughter, the pattern was that she'd get down, be institutionalized, and meet others in the same boat as her.  They'd bond over commonality and develop super-deep connections, and the mirroring was also common.  Once something happened to one though, the others would go into crisis mode right alongside them because they'd have to "save each other".  But then they'd backstab one another and that's another round of treatment needed as they reeled from the betrayal.

The in-house facilities for teens are horrible...yet they're your best option by a longshot.  The only other path is finding a local therapist your kid really connects with.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear someone else is going through what I went through...I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  You have to play the game though because there's no other option.

I am so glad I reached out to the folks here, you have no idea how helpful your supportive, knowledgeable, and enlightened comments are. Well, probably you do! I feel less alone and that is everything to me right now. Thank you so much. I want to carefully review some of these questions later after a work deadline I have today. I have been hiding out at a friend's house since last night. I let he know I would not be coming home last night and also let he know I was blocking her texts because she was continuing to send abusive and blaming texts to me. Again, thank you and I will be back on with more information and seeking help. I feel embarrassed and defeated, but I can see so many of you have felt those things and perservered in difficult situations. Again, thank you and I'll be back later

Hello and welcome.  I went through something similar with my BPD daughter, who would frequently stop taking her meds or find ways to self-medicate.

First off, of course she is blaming you- that's what BPDs do.  If it's not your fault, then who's fault is it?  Because in her mind, it can't be her fault because that would mean there could potentially be something wrong that she has to work on.  So she's clearly going to blame you.

And truthfully, in this one instance, it is your fault.  You made an adult decision about some very powerful meds and your decision was correct.  Why shy away from that?  You did what's in her best interests because she wouldn't do it herself.

For the last line, you just wanting to help her, go back to the 2nd paragraph one more time.  She blames you because she can't accept that there's a problem to begin with.  That's the real problem here, the untreated mental illness, and there's not a single thing you can do in this world to "help her" choose to take therapy seriously.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for her is allow her to make her own decisions, her own mistakes, and then to live with the consequences herself.  Every time you rush in to save her, that tells her disordered mind that you're helping because it's all your fault.  And that thinking enables her to make even worse decisions in the future.

Hello and welcome back!

You've been busy the past few years and I'm sorry you're struggling.  It really sounds like you need to find yourself and define your life outside a relationship.

So what are some of your hobbies...or how do you spend your free time?  Let's start looking for your identity, or give you direction on where to find it.

I’ve always been amazed at how my SO can unload on me and five seconds later talk to someone else without any evidence that they’re upset.  Meanwhile it takes me an hour to calm down from it. 

One time my SO did something horrible and my words back to them and my reaction, which was as cold as I think I’ve ever been caught them off guard.  In the space of a few minutes I watched my SO give a master class in emotional changes like they were trying to find something I would react to.  It was fascinating, but also scary, because it was like none of their emotions were real, it was just a response looking to harm me.