Hey @ForeverDad ,
I recall when I was trying to manage my ex's behavior. Despite everything I tried it continued on a downward path. If we hadn't had a child which fueled her childhood traumas, maybe my marriage could have lasted longer. In a healthy or normal marriage children are clear blessings, but when there are acting-out PDs in the mix, the children themselves can trigger them just by existing. Just a couple may work but add kids and that changes the dynamics. That's what happened to me.
Like I said, about the same thing happened to me with my first wife and then with my second wife, and now it could be happening with my third wife, but it's not quite. Because now I have understood the nutritional deficiencies behind the postpartum deterioration. Btw, I had 2 kids with each, so I'm the father of 6.
Yes, I know you're trying to "manage" the marriage ...
At this point I'm not trying to manage the marriage anymore. I'm just trying to manage her behavior, her mental health, and the living-together situation.
...but unless you get overall cooperation, there's a risk it will continue on a downward trajectory. Like bailing a leaking boat with a tin can when the holes keep getting bigger and require an ever larger bucket.
Yes, I do get her cooperation when she is not out of control, in most aspects at least. For instance, I can guarantee you that she will try DBT as soon as I schedule it for her, and she will also continue with EMDR (she is actually going to a session right now).
This relationship has always been the most solid one with the strongest bond, and that makes it somewhat healthier, because there is a lot of mutual trust and taking care of each other, despite all of the bad stuff. For instance, sometimes I get a food-triggered migraine, and as she sees my pain, she begs me to take Tylenol so that I stop suffering. If I get a fever, she has the same reaction as if it were one of our kids and even cries. Previous wives didn't worry that much about me. It may be hard to understand how someone like that can be a bully, but I guess that splitting explains it.
So I guess my question is, do you think you're making some progress or at least breaking even on your efforts?
Yes, she has made progress, at least in her general mental health. After the story that I told above about the sleep masks, I had to rent a wheelchair so that she could get out of home with us. Then I bought a compact electric scooter. And currently she uses just a pair of crutches or just the stroller. Sometimes she walks a few steps without anything to hold. Notice that when she is alone, she can walk perfectly normally, because this is just a specific phobia that resulted from a trauma.
The only thing that hasn't improved is her BPD symptoms, particularly her aggression, which has been getting worse and is too much for me again. But that was expected since she gave labor again a couple of months ago. I told her before labor that her aggressiveness would worsen, and it did.
Part of this is because she does sometimes rage for many days and does not take any supplements during this period. Another reason is that over time she has felt more and more secure about the relationship status. I mean, she does say that it's clear that the relationship won't last for long, but she does not have any imminent fear of losing it immediately.
Some people ask, But don't people with BPD traits get better over time, as they get older? Most here would respond, Maybe, if the other person is working on themselves, their self-oriented perceptions, their overall respect for others, resisting negativity, etc.
I don't expect that time alone will improve her BPD at all. I actually can't handle it anymore right now. So I need a quick game changer. I have been working on some ideas related to motivation, which I'll post separately.
PS: Many say that pwBPD tend to improve after their 40s, but it's arguable that they don't improve; they just start to have less energy to invest in the drama.
