Hi there ladies,

Putting aside the volatile emotions and victim perspective of BPD for a moment, I've observed that BPD often involves unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes I think it's as if pwBPD live in a fantasy world, with a heavy dose of childish, "magical" thinking--believing that they should command everyone's attention, and that others should cater to their every need, without regard for other people's circumstances.  Their conception of an interpersonal relationship is too demanding, too INTENSE.  An example might be that the pwBPD believes that close relatives should always remain "available" to her--to talk, to entertain, to give her money, to help with logistics, to solve daily problems or take her on vacations.  Another example might be that she expects parents to spend all their disposable income on the adult BPD child, because they "owe" her.  She might have the expectation that the childhood home should never change, and that family members should never move away, let alone marry (or remarry), or devote time to their own families.  Another expectation might be for a Prince Charming to knock on her door, sweep her off her feet and set her up in a palatial home, where she has no responsibilities for upkeep or income contribution.  Since these expectations are unrealistic, childish and partly delusional, the pwBPD feels constantly disappointed and aggrieved.  And so she might lash out, accusing you of "abandoning" her, not helping her, not catering to her every need like she was used to in the past.  She'll say you're a terrible person, selfish, narcissistic--and that your life and home are horrendous, your friends are evil, that you should be punished and rot in hell . . . and maybe she'll threaten you too.  Immediately after that she'll try to "punish" you by cutting off all conntact.  I think this is a reflection of her childish expectations that set her up for constant disappointment, which leads to petulance, tantrums, rages, threats and/or bouts of depression.  On top of that, she's seething mad when others seem happy and hit life's milestones, because it's a stark reminder to her that she is not happy nor hitting milestones.  It's almost as if she's stuck, while others close to her are moving on, and she's not happy about that.

Look, nothing you do will change your sister.  The only person you have control of is YOU.  I'd say, if your sister is ripping apart your sanity, then you deserve a break from her.  You don't have to explain anything to anybody, just take a break.  I'd say, let her calls go to voicemail, and don't listen to any messages if you can't handle them right now.  You don't have to read her texts or emails, either.  If something were truly important, trust me, you would find out some other way (for example, your parents or other family members would reach out to you).  And if you're worried about what your sister is saying about you behind your back, I'd say, try to stop worrying about that.  Your family already knows your sister has her issues.  My guess is that they already know she's prone to lying (or extreme exaggeration).  You do NOT have to defend yourself.  I'd say, try to focus on YOU.  Get busy with your life, so that your disordered sister doesn't occupy so much headspace.

Your sister is doing to.you exactly what my mother does to her sister.. My mum turned on her sister massively a month or so ago and my brother and I are struggling to cope with her behaviour. It's hard for my aunt because she frets about my mum potentially going through with suicide threats, my mum has caller display and so like to not answer the phone to her sister or half sister just so she can make them panic!

The sad thing is that unless any professionals are willing to step in push my mother into some serious therapy, I think we're screwed and just have to minimise contact as much possible otherwise she'll just keep being mentally abusive to myself and my brother

I feel like a line was crossed this weekend. My wife escalated one of her usual spirals in public the other day to the point that she was following me down the street pulling on my clothes and arm, shouting at me in tears, begging me to talk to her. I had been calm and validating, but held the boundary in refusing to get into tense, emotional relationship topics after lunch. We don't communicate effectively when she gets upset. I validated her feelings and gave her the choice to pause, use tools and we could continue our day together, or if she kept persisting in pushing me for communication and reassurance I would have to step away to take some space and keep things stable. She persisted, so I tried to walk away. I told her, "I'm sorry you're feeling upset. I'm going to take a walk to keep things stable on my end. I'll be back in a little while." She followed me, pulling on me. When I went back to the car she wouldn't let me close the door, and she wouldn't get in the car. I called a crisis support line hoping she would talk to them. She refused so I explained the situation to them, that my wife was feeling very dysregulated and that she was physically preventing me from taking space from the situation. She tried to grab my phone from me to hang it up. Eventually I was able to walk away and came back to get my car later

The rest of the weekend was just apology followed by another spiral, around and around. She did the same thing on the street in front her her work as I was dropping her off. I had to walk away and wait for +30min for her to stop calling and texting me and go into work before I could collect my car and move on. She has pulled on my clothes as I tried to leave the apartment before, but not for so long and not out in public. And the way she tried to make me sound like the bad guy as she shouted into the phone while I talked with crisis support really freaked me out. It's one of the few times I've heard her get that angry and really try to twist the narrative to make me the bad guy. I've never feared she might get vindictive, but now I'm genuinely worried about the future. I am scared to be around her because it's hard to accept the consequences of what could happen if she tries to physically stop me again. I don't want to be provoked into doing something in response, and I don't want her to get in any legal trouble, or lie about things and have me get into legal trouble. It just feels like a line has been crossed and the stakes feel too high to keep doing this. Any advice?

I've been researching the whole risk of older people and Lorazepam / Diazepam thing and it's shocking! I had no idea how dangerous those tablets were to older people with slower metabolisms, they don't even give them to the over 65's anymore in the UK because of the risks! It sounds frighteningly why we e had such deterioration of her mental health as it increase aggression, volatility, delusion! It would explain why she's been more prone to falls in the last year or so and her memory was noticeably bad at the weekend, she was very frustrated at times trying to remember words she wanted to use.
It's appalling how lax the medical profession have been , how long have they known about the risks of these drugs on the over 65's yet did nothing! Now we have to see if they handle her withdrawals sensibly or whether that is the next big crisis!

BPSstinks, oof, I can relate to the guilt for feeling happy. Funny thing is, I want that for you and others. I want you to let go of the guilt, I want you to be happy. How do you get past the guilt? What helps?

I tried to reach out to my BPD kid with a holiday message once, and my non-BPD youngest cut me off for doing so, saying I wasn't respecting boundaries. The message came through loud and clear - any contact towards BPD kid would result in my other two cutting me off. My oldest and youngest speak to me now, but as much as I try to make our interactions positive and casual, I carry intense anxiety. I feel like I can't make any mistakes.

I have long been in therapy and have processed a lot of trauma from my childhood through to adulthood, but nothing prepared me for the pain of losing kids.

So, it has been two weeks since my last encounter with my sister and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am unable to rest, if I sit still my mind wanders and thinks of all the various versions of conversations that I could be having with her when she decides to return to speaking to me. I know it is a matter of time before she reaches out again... I am scared of her, I am terrified of her influence on the others in my family. Everyone walks on eggshells around her (yes I have read that book too). I am unable to let go of the fact she has acted out like a child and made a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (basically she threw a fit and is refusing to talk to me or go to my wedding). She has made this narrative in her mind of my life, my relationship and my happiness. She is under the impression that I am not happy, I am in a bad relationship, and that I am isolating myself from my family. None of these are true but this is what she has been saying behind my back for months now. She is telling our family how bad my fiance is and how I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to try to defend myself because her famous saying is "if you get defensive, it must mean it's true". She is delusional and I don't think I can go back to playing my role in the family of the rescuer (i think). I am normally the one that will apologize for something I didn't completely do, and give her everything she needs in order to keep the peace. She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.

With people on the NPD spectrum, they know the Golden Rule too. I think they assume the rules don't apply to them. I think for BPD- they feel like a victim defending themselves.

It seems that being nice to them doesn't work to have them reciprocate and be nice too. It just makes you vulnerable . I don't want to treat people poorly in return. Their behavior is on them. To retaliate is to operate on that level. So going to neutral- gray rock, not reacting, ignoring them, or in a social situaton, being cordial but not too close is the middle ground. Also boundaries.

Notwendy and TelHill,
Thank you for understanding. It seems we need to have a special toolbox for disordered people who can never apologize for their bad behaviors, use love bombing as a tactic to win people over then become abusive. Our challenge is to not take their behaviors personally even though the abuse hurts especially when it is a close family member or someone we have to see on a regular basis. The golden rule really does not apply with these people. I promised myself that I will never get into a competition with a disordered person of who can treat the other person worse as a vendetta, though certainly I think those thoughts.

It is the right thing.

Be prepared for lovebombing. When it fails, they'll try to get your attention in weird ways to make you talk to them.

I stopped talking a few years ago. Don't plan to ever start. It makes them realize forever is a long time.

Sunny, that's fantastic.  Like they say, a goal without a plan is just a wish. I have a feeling you're going to make your dream come true, as long as you don't let your sister derail your plan!

If I had another piece of advice, I think it would be this:  you're young, and so you're just starting out.  While you can save up by cutting expenses, typically a faster way to save up is to boost your income.  Two straightforward options here are to get a promotion and/or work more hours.  Sometimes they go together:  if you work extra hours, you grow your skills faster, and it's easier to get promoted.  And when you earn the extra income, try not to let "lifestyle inflation" eat it all up.  Another tip is to try to find a work situation that offers what I call RUNWAY.  Basically, runway is the opposite of a dead-end job.  Runway is a clear path ahead for a takeoff--to a better job with better pay.  Ideally, the runway is wide, meaning you could take off in a couple of different directions (OPTIONALITY), and maybe land at another company (with your transferrable skills).  If your current situation doesn't offer any runway, you might think about finding it elsewhere.

I'm mentioning runway because the adult pwBPD in my life seems not to understand it one bit.  She's typically drawn to part-time, "easy" and "unstressful" employment situations, typically a micro business run by a lady or two--think boutique store or niche service situation.  The way I see that sort of job is, while it may be OK for the moment (a part-time job is better than NO job after all), there's no runway.  The small business owner has a tiny budget, there's no peer group, no training program, no benefits, no network, few clients, and, longer-term, no runway.  Generally speaking, I think a safer bet would be to start at a bigger, more established organization offering the opposite:  training, higher pay, benefits, a peer group, mentors, name recognition, quality projects, ample resources (e.g. technology), opportunities to hone transferrable skills, opportunities for professional growth and promotion, RUNWAY.

I'm not advocating finding a job solely to maximize income.  But money gives you options, which increases feelings of power and security--and ultimately, wellness.  I'm just trying to advise you to think smart (and work smart) about how to save up for your dream situation.

Just my two cents.