Has anybody ever initiated an intentionally temporary period of NC with a ubpd sibling or other family member and had it be good for the relationship when they reconnected?  A friend did this with their sibling and has been encouraging me to do the same, but their sibling does not have bpd....

It would be wonderful if we could find a way to not trigger someone with BPD. The problem is that they can be triggered by whatever is going on in their heads that may have no basis in actual fact.

I am hearing that you are trying logical discussions with your loved one. Logic doesn’t work with people with BPD. They are emotion based and they make decisions based on emotions. Most people have thoughts that lead to feelings which lead to action.

For example, a man walks past his boss, and the boss doesn’t look at him, acknowledge him or say anything. The man takes it personally and feels terrible about it and his thoughts are he doesn’t like me. I should probably look for a new job and then perhaps he goes and look for a new job.

But the boss was thinking about what he was having for dinner and was just caught up in his thoughts the way we interpret events has to do with us, our self-esteem, our prejudice, our likes and dislikes, etc. Her BPD leads her to think the worst of everything. that affects you.

People with BPD have feelings first which lead to action and the thoughts. They have a hard time pushing through the pulsating amygdala, which makes them so emotional.

It sounds like the kind of fights that you’re having are fake fights in a way which means you’re not fighting about the issue. You think you’re fighting about but something much deeper. I would advise getting in deeper and together figuring out what is beneath her behavior. What is she feeling?

If you do decide to leave, understand that that is a perfectly valid thing to do when you have a partner husband or significant other who doesn’t meet your needs and who makes you unhappy. That happens in every relationship. You never signed up to take care of a person with a disability so don’t berate yourself if the relationship doesn’t work.

I wish the best for you and hope that the situation revolves in a way that leaves you satisfied. You’ve signed up for a hard job. It’s not impossible, but you really have to look at the rest of the relationship and how much you like it and what it’s worth to be in it when the bad times come.

Randi

Taking plenty of time to carry out your plan for a better environment for everyone is so smart. You don't have to talk to him about anything and he can't read your mind. Being too tired to talk is a real thing, and you are under a lot of pressure from him that is hard to ignore, I know.

In my state, only the interest earned on inheritance funds is community property, so 50% of the interest might be his in your state. I also learned that social security income in not community property. I keep mine in a checking account and our son is beneficiary. My dbpdh put his in CD's, with our son as beneficiary, but it earns interest as does an annuity as you know.

As stated so well above, your lawyer will be familiar with how best to reveal your decision to separate. You don't have to do it yourself in person and risk an ugly scene. You can be safe now.

Hi, my name is Randi Kreger and I wrote the book stop walking on eggshells for partners.

That jealousy is baked in with BPD. I am sorry to have to tell you this, but this jealousy is not going to go away, especially if you keep on reassuring her. You know it doesn’t work. That’s not a reflection on you. That’s a reflection of the disorder.

I’m sure you know this, but people with BPD are desperately afraid of being abandoned, and I have heard of the person with BPD who is prone to jealousy who ordered her husband not to answer the phone at work because there might be a woman on the phone. He was not permitted to go out for any lunches with women, even if it was a group from work.

I DON’T KNOW WHY WHEN I WRITE. THIS IS WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BUT I CAN’T STOP IT SO I’LL JUST FINISH UP.

I HAVE NOT KNOWN BPD BEHAVIOR TO CHANGE WITHOUT THERAPY. THAT PROBABLY INCLUDES INTENSEJEALOUSY.

I’M PULLING FOR YOU. BEST OF LUCK WITH THE RELATIONSHIP.

You've learned a lot from the recent time with him, I think. The new baby will never have to hear him disrespect you or know him. If his parenting of his other children isn't healthy for them, he could have more troubles. You're free of that now, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

Having these new priorities sound like a breath of fresh air. Congratulations on your new baby.

Hi, my name is Randi Kreger and I am the author of stop walking on eggshells for partners, a new book that just concentrates on romantic relationships. I think I can answer some of your questions.

1 is this push dynamic part of splitting up. Yes. Very much so. People with BPD can feel engulfed and abandoned in the same day. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but not too much. But push pull happens during the whole relationship not just breaking up.

2. Why is he checking your stories? Part of him is holding onto the relationship when he gets to the pull stage.

3. Is it best to give him space right now? Yes. You can’t change the push pull behavior, but you can anticipate it and look upon it with a grain of salt when he’s in his pull stage. I think what you should be asking yourself is how do you feel about dating somebody with BPD? Is he going to be in therapy? Is he willing to accept a responsibility and accountability? Does he call you names or race his voice at you

Rather than thinking so much about him, think about what you want in a partner. Then ask yourself if he has those attributes and abilities to give you what you want. It’s a mistake to think that people with BPD are purposely trying to make you miserable. They’re just trying to get their needs met, which are intense and everlasting.

4 what can you give to him? The ability to not take his actions personally. His actions are determined by his brain disorder. People with BPD have different brains than those who don’t have it. To make it short and sweet, when under stress, the part of the brain – the amygdala – over functions and creates that intense emotion while the logical centers of the brain – the prefrontal cortex – is overcome and doesn’t work very well.

So why is that a gift for him? The more protective you are of your own needs and feelings I believe the longer you can stay in a relationship because you’re taking care of you.I recommend entering his world by reading a memoir of someone with BPD. The one that I like is get me out of here by Rachael Reiland.

Another really good book I would recommend is loving someone with BPD by Sheri Manning. I write books for family members who don’t want to go to treatment, but I always recommend Sherry‘s book for those who are dealing with people at BPD who recognize they have it and are interested in getting help.

I recommend my book stop walking on eggshells for partners who are not interested in getting treatment. It shows how not to get into arguments and about half of the book is dedicated to your part of the relationship, why you got in it, why things ended up the way they do, and what to do about it.

It goes through how to communicate with your loved one no matter what mood they’re in you’re in other words you’re going to need to enter his world, figure out the etiquette, and then figure out how to respond. That doesn’t make things worse.

There is a man by the last name of Gottman that has done extensive research on what makes marriage works, and what makes marriages fail. Sorry I can’t remember his first name. Something he says is that successful relationships, you need five positive interactions for every negative one in order to stay in their relationship. It’s very important not to be isolated and not to lose track of what normal is.

I think it is hard for people with BPD to get out of their head enough to meet the needs of their significant other, so you have to be prepared to be the girlfriend of someone with BPD. Some qualities that people who have successful relationship include high self-esteem, the ability not to take things personally, people who have a great relationship other than BPD part of it, and the knowledge of how to set boundaries and follow through. So if you had a terrible childhood, recognize that you’re both bringing your baggage to the relationship and hopefully the baggage matches.

I really wish you the best and I hope that the relationship works out —or if it doesn’t that you find out somebody else who is worthy of the greatness of you.

Randi

Hello.  After a brief period of NC, my sibling and I are back in touch.  As I contemplate the future, I am curious about the following:

1) Has anybody ever done an intentional period of NC with a pwbpd and found that it was helpful to the relationship?  A friend has been encouraging me to do this based experience they had with their sibling, but their sibling does not have this condition.

2) Has anybody ever used BIFF?  Has that been good?  Any tips?

You may be correct there, and it's an important insight.  Your man could be content enough with the status quo.  He mooches off you and his mom, he makes promises to get concessions out of you but doesn't follow through, he feels entitled to blame you for his problems, he enjoys calling you names to make himself feel better.  When he's in a good mood, he has your nurturing companionship.  When he doesn't feel like contributing economically, he mooches off his mom.  He drinks and gambles to his heart's content.  It could be that his life is working well enough for him right now.  He gets to do what he wants, he spends most the money he earns on himself, and he gets to act like a brat, too, with little to no adverse consequences.  He doesn't really see the need to change.  Maybe he just "goes along with" thereapy to win concessions out of you, not to change his habits or behaviors.

In a prior post, Pook wrote that his spiralling out of control could potentially be the best thing to happen to him.  I think that means your man realizes that the status quo isn't working for him anymore, and he decides to get professional help.  For him to change, he has to be "ready" for it, as well as have a good reason to follow through with it, long term.  Typically that means he's so unhappy that he decides he needs to change.  And change is hard, so his reasons need to be solid.  I guess I'm saying that HE is the one who has to decide to change--not you, not his mom, not even his kids.  You can't force him to get the help he needs.  But if you enable the status quo, you're likely to be stuck with the status quo indefinitely.

Good for you.  It's a small step, but it's also the first step and that makes it a huge one.  Do not accept abuse and do not negotiate things under those conditions.  If he calls you names, put him in time out for a few hours like you would a spoiled child.  He will eventually get the message.