Thank you, Peace.
I say all of the time i only want peace. And that my kids are happy, healthy, and generally okay.
But I don’t need much. Peace is a luxury at this point.
For years he’s been overcautious, security obsessed. We live in a nice town with very little crime but he is vigilant. When we went through a similar patch a few years ago, he started leaving and not locking the door when he left, sometimes just leaving it wide open. I would get out of the shower and it would be wide open. I read about an auto lock you can lock from your phone and installed that. It alerted when the door was opened and just tracks if it gets locked and whether manual or through the app. It is still on to this day and i lock it all the time (it’s on the deadbolt). It irritated him at the time but we don't talk about it anymore.
In addition to the dishes — which may also seem childish on my side, but it didn't start intentional and when he saw my sweep missed it that day, he didn't decide he would walk it to the kitchen (at least — let alone put it in the dishwasher), he just added more, and more than usual. At that point it was just an attack. It was never, hey she has a lot going on so let me just grab MY glass and bring it in. But then it was garbage and chewed on fruit pits and sticking stickers on other things (dishes, counters, hardwood floors). All I was doing was giving him an adult time out for his childish behavior and maintaining self respect.
But back to “safety”, we have a lot of windows and one room is near floor to ceiling in 3 sides and where I spend most of my time and we do when he is home. He always opens the curtains. I open some but he does more. But then he either gets annoyed with the neighbors about something. Sometimes a comment and sometimes walking between rooms and commenting in something bugging him. BUT we eat at a table in that room and he kind of freaks out when we do that people can see us so he closes the curtains. Even during the day when I don't think anyone really could.
So now with the dishes when i didn't react, he started leaving the curtains wide open all night. I don't sleep well (stress) so get up and go to that room so it was his way of trying to make me unsettled. I close the curtains until the sun comes up and the open them again. Childish games. I don't want to play but I am living it.
He came home at 2 yesterday, plopped in front of tv. I work til 5 (at home) and then made dinner, ate with the kids. I don't invite him but make enough for him and leave for him. For the record, he doesn't need an invitation.
It was like 7-7:30 when i was finished with everything, he was watching crime stuff on tv (which i don't always mind watching but didn't feel up for more stress but also not really interested in spending time with him right now), so I headed to do a load of laundry and watch tv in bed. I got to bed 8 or 9 anyway.
He came to the bedroom and asked how long I planned to not talk to him. I said something like, I'm tired and not really up for a long conversation. He said I was always tired (hello, work, stress).
I’m not sure exactly how the conversation started, but basically it was that he thought I should clean up after him bc I do after the kids (he said everyone else). The kids sometimes leave their things in the kitchen. Mostly my son who is early teen. Their messes are not disrespectful (chewed on food, stickers stuck on things that must be peeled off). If they have anything outside the kitchen, they bring it in and if they don’t, I ask them to (and then help them if they can’t figure out if the dw is clean or dirty).
I told him I would respond if he let me speak (he cuts me off and talks over me a lot). He said he would but made it like 4 words and then jumped on top of what I was saying. Why didn't I clean up his stuff. I said I am neither your mother nor your maid and you are capable of cleaning up. He said he isn't my father and yet he pays for everything, shops (meat from a local butcher) and does his laundry (for the last 5 years of over 30 from the last major meltdown — there are daily and weekly but these are much bigger). Then he asked what I did and I said I take care of his kids, the household. I said his kids only bc they are his, too, and I was trying to make the point that this should mean something to him (it does to me when he helps the kids). I could see this was going to go around and around and I couldn't do this or any other circular conversations, I’m tired and then I put my headphones in. He yells i bought you those headphones, the kids aren't supposed to be mine (his) and storms out.
I watch tv for a while and then go to sleep. When i get up, the curtains are all wide open again. I close them til the sun comes up. He runs out the door this morning and slams the front door and takes off. I suspect he is going to visit our oldest but theres no money really in the account so he wont get far. But maybe far enough before he realizes. Idk.
I wasn’t expecting a relaxing weekend but was hoping for some peace.
I usually don't get pulled into games — usually it is strictly verbal assaults or rage texts with some crazy things. But by choosing to not engage in that, i instead get pulled into this behavior. Is there a normal-ish place to even exist?
Welcome views from above bc you cant always see clearly in the middle.
Also please forgive typos…I'm so used to autocorrect and it doesn't seem to exist here. Ive tried to catch where i can but I’m sure I've missed a few!
Thanks for reading and in advance for any replies!
