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Hi Haul,
Welcome to the group. Please feel free to read through some posts--my guess is that many themes will resonate with you.
If you care to share, what seems to be the biggest issue for you currently? Is your daughter living with you? Has she been school or busy with a job, even if it's only for a few days here and there? Is she getting therapy?
Look, I understand having trouble wrapping your mind around a BPD diagnosis. I have been similarly skeptical sometimes too. On the one hand, your daughter was younger when she got a diagnosis, and many of the behaviors probably seemed "typical," albeit extreme, for teenagers--the impulsiveness, the entitlement, the anger, the emotional rollercoaster, the tantrums, the jealousy, the apparent "trying out" of different identities. These are all human emotions, after all. But my guess is that your daughter took things farther, perhaps with threats or attempts of self-harm. That would typically land her in a hospital.
However, in an adult, I'd say these behaviors seem increasingly out of place. Let's face it, only close family members will tolerate such erratic, extreme behavior. And perhaps slowly but surely, your dear daughter will feel "rejected" by others, which is ironic, because what she probably wants more than anything is to feel cherished and accepted. Has your daughter lost all her friends? Is she discovering she's not functioning well as an emerging adult? Is she too needy and demanding of others--for attention, affection, admiration, money, help, emotional management? Does she lash out when her exacting needs aren't being met? Does she self-medicate with illicit substances? I'd say, that's all typical BPD.
It's true that the label of BPD might sound perjorative. The way I see it though is that your daughter is probably wired to be extra sensitive, and that can be an asset sometimes. Yet since she's so sensitive, she experiences life as a seemingly never-ending series of traumas, by things that probably wouldn't bother her peers, not nearly as much. She has very low frustration tolerance. She perceives social slights when none were intended. She tends to give up way too easily. She takes everything too personally. She's emotionally and physically exhausted by everyday life, and she thinks it's just too overwhelming. She hasn't learned emotional resilience yet. She hasn't quite learned to take setbacks in stride, think things through, take things in context, have a little perspective, play the long game. Instead, she lets her emotions overtake her, and since she experiences them intensely, they hijack her brain, and she tends to lash out or self-sabotage. She hasn't quite figured out who she is, what she likes and where she fits in the world yet (which is normal for young adults)--but to her, it's simply unbearable. She's SCARED, and she's deeply ashamed about it.
To cope, she turns around and blames others for all her problems. She reinterprets the world from a victim mindset, blaming you, other family members and friends for causing all her problems. My observation is that the farther back in history she goes, dredging up negative memories from childhood, the more scared she is of the present. You see, it's just her way of avoiding her current problems, by blaming you for wrecking her life, while demanding retribution. The sad part is that she's basically abdicating responsibility for herself. It's like she didn't get the memo that adulthood is about being responsible for herself. Or maybe she got the memo, but she crumpled it up and threw it back in your face. Meanwhile, she demands that you continue to over-function for her. Does that sound about right?
Anyway, welcome. Here we emphise self-care, first and foremost. You're not much good for your daughter if you are living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, because it clouds your judgment. So if that's how you're feeling, you're in good company here. I hope we can help.
By the way, rest assured that you did NOT cause BPD in your daughter, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Only your daughter can do that.
All the best to you.
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Our son was attending sessions throughout our divorce and continued for the next few years. That was years ago and, if I recall the timeline correctly, when I went back to court after the final decree and gained full custody, his counselor was so happy and prepared to end counseling. Clearly, they thought the conflict and discord was over. But our child's counseling had to continue for another couple years until I also gained majority parenting time at which time mother's antics finally reduced. Only then did son and I have a graduation ceremony of sorts with his counselor.
