I'm on the verge of accomplishing something long planned and worked towards which will mean a big move and other changes in my life. It's very exciting.

At the same time, I still have some hollow and ambivalent feelings regarding... well, I'm not quite sure what, because part of the mind________ of BPD is not knowing exactly what you were dealing with, or what was being experienced.

uBPDx and I used to talk about doing this thing as a 'dream' we would experience together. I'm not sure if it was something they actually wanted or if they were just mirroring me. It certainly was/is my dream, and now I am accomplishing it (though there is lots of difficult stuff ahead).

There was no viable future where this could have been done together, because it requires sustained effort and commitment in the face of fluctuating emotions, which uBPDx was not capable of.
 
It's a bit of a double edged sword. The qualities that uBPDx used to idealise are still very much with me, and the relationship has not changed the trajectory of my life at all, besides throwing me mildly off track with a couple things (soon corrected) - I'm a very determined person and though there's been quite a lot of hurt and harm to me, I've never been seriously pushed away from my values or goals. That's very lucky compared to others on this forum. Maybe if the relationship lasted longer it would be different. 

But, well, realising I'm my own person - that I'm responsible for myself, that it's the same as it ever was - is a bit sad after the fantasy. That the experience and the burden/ joy of being me, could be a shared one.

Anyway, sorry to be trite, but dreams do come true - you just have to work in the actual physical realm. What I learned from the relationship is if the dream is going to be shared, then this needs to be with someone who not also has fantasy, but also the capacity for making it happen.

You know, it's strange and something to reflect on, how far from my own values I got in relating to uBPDx. Because focusing on actions and results, not subjective intent or interpretations, is a really important thing to me and guides a lot of how I engage with the world.

Also, how a person deals with death is important to me. I've had friendships... not ended exactly, but significantly altered because the person did not show up to a funeral or show support for the bereaved because they found it too emotionally challenging. For example, after a close friend killed herself, a mutual friend who used to live with her didn't come to the funeral and also chose not to reach out to her bereaved partner because he 'didn't know what to say'. I found this impossible to reconcile with a continuing close friendship with that mutual acquaintance. So it's very strange that I somehow papered over uBPDx's weird behavior in my mind.

Obviously, I am re-interpreting old cues and bits of information in the context of having witnessed terrible behavior at the end of the relationship. There are definitely things I could have been more cognizant of, but I suppose it takes a while for a pattern to emerge and there's no need to beat myself up about it. If I experienced something similar in future (a bizarre disconnect between seemingly caring words and actions and a totally disconnected/cold response to death and bereavement), I would be much more cautious and maybe treat that as a red flag.

Actually, I'm going to state it directly: 'If someone tells you they didn't go to see their grandmother while she was dying, and that grandmother had loved them and supported them and never been abusive and wanted to see them but they chose not to go for no reason they can explain, and they don't express any concern about the impact this might have had on their grandmother - DO NOT PURSUE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON'.

Seems pretty obvious when you write it out.

The "bottomless pit" drives a lot of their behavior, and motivates a lot of their actions. 

While I don't think there's any one theory of behavior that explains all the motivations behind a pwBPD's actions, I think the bottomless pit, the need for constant attention (positive or negative), explains a lot of them. 

Like in my experience, BPDxw demanding I swear I'd stay single if she died before me, or using her grandpa's passing to pick fights with me about whether or not my family showed enough sympathy for "her loss" and that sort of thing, there's no room in their minds for genuine concern for others; in the end it all comes back on how the loss affects them.  They may know to temper their behavior to some extent when they know a lot of people are watching; they can feign sympathy as long as they feel they need to, but once they're out of public view, the mask drops. 

See, to me, I look at the results, and the result of her behavior was focusing the attention on herself, not the person who actually died. 

I think you're right that their behavior is fueled by emotions, but not in the same sense; I think pwBPD are insecure and need attention, and so they act out; they don't genuinely grieve and feel the same way you or I would about someone's passing.

Maybe I'm just too cynical, but I have a hard time believing an adult could be that overcome with emotion to be screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably at a funeral, which is presumably taking place at least a few days after the person has passed, and after the attendees have all: 1) learned about their passing, and 2) had some time to process the news and grieve the deceased privately. 

I could see it if it was a spontaneous event, like in the aftermath of a car accident... but a funeral?  To me, it seems calculated.  She had an audience to play up her emotions to, and garner all the attention of.  Her behavior might not produce the sympathy for her she's expecting, and it might disgust other people as you noted, rather than making them want to console her, but it's still attention, and that's what really matters to pwBPD. 

So, im really into music. My BPD partner is also. We find our connection through music. We even play instruments together.

Anyway I was thinking about this forum and all the stories I read and all the people on here ,some wanting to save what they have and other wanting to leave it and I saw so many similar stories to my own.

Ive know my partner since we were young and even as friends we struggled but that one thing that connects us has become such a huge part of my life. I want to share that connection with everyone here. Music is my therapist when I cant see my normal one. I can find a song for every mood, or feeling.

My partner and I are coming  off another fight and I keep wondering why I go back why each time I find myself right there. Its an additiction I think ...to love someone with BPD to really care about them and want them its amazing and also just terrible. 

Its a ________in drag... but you keep going back. Idk at least its how I feel about it some times. Hes so amazing and I love him so much but he can be the worst monster of my nightmares too.

To get to my point songs can say alot ...and ultimately id like to make a whole Playlist on what it feels like to love someone with BPD.

This song stands out to me though

Nicotine by Panic ! At the Disco.

https://youtu.be/LkBxcmxWKAA?si=8qYY-jFgujpX8qPV

I hope all of you can listen and let me know if it fits your experience.. or if you have song ideas from your own experience  id love to hear them . Id really like to make this list .

I suppose it could be both. Pook, contemplating death provokes thoughts about one's own mortality for almost everyone, and an unfiltered reaction might look like self centredness.

That said, Pete, it was odd that when uBPDx was telling me the anecdote about death, it was actually me who asked what his grandmother would have wanted - not something he spontaneously reflected on - like he wasn't that concerned with the impact on her, only what it reflected about him. 

Similarly, as I mentioned on a different thread, he described how his previous relationship suffered because his then partner (who he later cheated on) didn't seem like she 'wanted' him any more, as she was depressed after her mother died (!).

After my beloved pet passed, he was consistently loving and caring towards my expressions of grief, but also expressed that i didn't 'want' him / it was pointless for him to be around when after a week, i was still grieving.

It seemed like he needed so much attention to fill the bottomless empty pit of validation that he could not be cognisant of other peoples needs that didn't revolve around him, and this led to some almost psychopathic seeming words and behaviour.

Me wife and i were at a funeral last month and one of her aunt's was screaming, griveing, laughing...all within a 5 minute period.  My wife said to me, "She's faking it for attention."  But I told her that she was being genuine, those were the feelings she had moment by moment.  It was so incredibly clear that the aunt has BPD.

I don't think they "need to be" the center of attention as much as it is that in those situations, they can't hide their feelings like normal and the whole world gets to see them.

I felt bad for the aunt but at the burial, she was screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably.  Family were actually walking away because they were so appalled at her behavior.  But again, I saw it for what it actually was, deep-seeded mental illness that's fueled by emotions.

it was 27 year relationship/marriage and yes extremely painful but also extremely toxic and glad to be out of it.
She is now with a narcissistic person so they belong with each other instead of ruining healthy peoples lives. Dread to thing what carnage that is going to end in.

I think that one factor to consider is that mourning another's death conflicts with their need to always be the victim/center of attention.  Hence you get the odd comments from them when discussing death that try to move the focus back on them & their needs, even if just to use the opportunity to provoke others.

When BPDxw and I were together, we only experienced one family death (her grandfather) who was already in poor health when we met, and had made funeral arrangements.  When he died, she was understandably upset, and cried.  But later, she made a point of telling some of my family members (even though she was already starting to make unfair complaints about them & claim they didn't like her and other nonsense), and then complained to me that they didn't seem to care enough about her loss, according to her view of the situation.  So it became about her in the end.

Thank you for your kindness Rowdy. Exiting this relationship and the distorted fantasy-reality it entailed was enough of a head________ after 18 months. I can't imagine how difficult and painful it would be for you after 15 years.