I understand  and when I look back at how success, achievement, money was handled in my FOO, the main purpose for all of it seemed to be to bolster BPD mother's self image, and- we also saw that emotional turmoil she struggled with, no matter what anyone did, or what she had materially.

I do think having sufficient material security is important and a good thing to have, and I undrerstand feeling that you weren't given the chance and opportunities other family members had or were given. I hope that you can also overcome this disadvantage with the strenghts you do have, and even if it doesn't reach the level of what your FOO has, be able to feel secure with it.

I don't have a lot of friends or socialize a lot but I find when I do more socializing- it's not the kind of closeness that has meaning for me.

I learned in ACA groups- and they have extended the description to include adult children of dysfunction in that- is that adults who grew up in these kinds of families tend to self isolate. Maybe that is true- but it's not that I don't want or have friends, it's that having alone time is a time where we feel emotionally safe- and I think we need some of that as a form of self care. I also think it's more difficult for us to build trust in people. But we also need people, friends, too. One of my closest friends is very social and enjoys that sphere. I don't join her in these events but- we are friends in the sense that we can trust each other.

To have friends also means taking risks, risks that for us are difficult to take. If I think of someone as a friend and they betray a trust or turn out to not be such a good friend, it's crushing. But we can't cut out the world either- it's a risk we need to take to have friends. It's actually hard for me to do this. I can be social at a party or get together but to actually become closer friends- I'm hesitant.

The kind of friends your FOO seems to have may not be the kind of friendships you want- they may be more like business or social connections- and while these have their purpose and benefits, they may not have the emotional connection one might wish for in a friend. One good friend may have more meaning to you than 10 business contacts.

Hi To All Reading This,
I am a mother of an adult child who is suffering with BPD and she doesn't have a clue this is her disordered personality. I would love to find other adult mothers that have a simular situation. I live in Southwest Virginia where there is no support groups organized. I know there are mothers suffering in silence as I have with no one to talk to and theripists that don't have an understanding of what I and you have delt with all of their upbringing and beyond into their adult years. These are the rough numbers of people that suffer from this mental illness I found online:

Approximately 1.6% of the U.S. adult population is diagnosed with BPD.
Women are diagnosed with BPD at a rate of about 75% compared to men.
This suggests that around 3.4 million adult women in the U.S. may have BPD.
BPD often co-occurs with other mental health disorders, complicating diagnosis.
Awareness and understanding of BPD are increasing, leading to more diagnoses.
 
I recently got an insiteful book called "Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance" by Peter Salerno PsyD. It is the first comprehensive self help book that focases on "Healing from an abusive relationship with a Disordered Personality". I am divorced from her father that suffers from a Disordered Personality also and have realized within the past year that is what I delt with in a 36 year marriage. I am a survivor that is just beginning to understand it has detrimentally affected my nerves system and am figuring out through the book a path for healing. With my daughter having this mental illness it is double trama for me going through it once again. I have my good days and bad days with my nerves system and the symptoms of trama I have been through.

Thank You for reading this post and I hope to hear from those mothers out there that are looking for support to not feel alone.

Notwendy,
I often feel sad about all the missed opportunities in my life because of being scapegoated by such a large extended family. The golden children and flying monkeys appear to be so much more successful than I am when it comes to wealth, outstanding careers, marriage, children, having lots of friends. It does help  to remember that I have a capacity for empathy and some common decency that I have learned from years of therapy and making myself accountable when I behave badly from learned dysfunctional behaviors of my family of origin and large extended family. I realize I cannot put myself in my disordered relatives shoes and fully understand how unhappy they must be deep down inside from having a compulsive need to maintain a false image and ignore their deepest fears. I need to continue to focus on doing the hard work of moving forward while spending less and less time thinking about the disordered relatives behaviors which are so crazy most of the time that I will never truly understand why they behave so badly. I wish no contact was completely possible and it will never be.

And that's okay...keep coming here to vent.  Sometimes we vent right back at you.  Just know that the peer support here is never criticism; it's advice on what helped in other people's lives for them.  Maybe it's helpful, maybe not.  But the intent is there anyway and I think most here are genuine in want to help.

Your situation is pretty unique since you're in the same building (well, one building over) from your ex daily and have to interact with overlapping co-workers.  I can see others in the office thinking, "They used to be so close, hopefully they can get that back and maybe they'd even work if they gave it another chance."  They also probably have good intentions and they don't know your full story of what's happened and how impossible it was at times.  Honestly, there's nothing you can do about that other than to politely decline their offers of encouragement.

I'm very glad that things are continuing to get better for you.  Keep it up!

I only vent here now which I think is good. At work I'm calm/productive. I have 'seen' her in passing a few times and never reacted, made any contact of any sort. That's how I'm going to keep it. She comes into my building, I'm not freaked out anymore. Time has definitely helped and I'm absolutely working on myself while choosing to be single. I just get annoyed when people either try to make me work with her on things that are truly not necessary (I'm not even being biased, there's no business need), or want me to almost befriend her again.

I am doing a million times better but I know my posts don't read that way.

This is definitely a journey- learning when my helping is actually hurting but understanding at the same time that help isn't all or nothing. Especially with our kids if we are able to maintain a relationship with them .

So much of my work at this moment is on my internal reactions to to something my swubpd does or says that I feel my anxiety triggered and I start to think worst case scenario thoughts. Then react.
Something as simple as him texting I love you Mom , just thinking about you and two days later calling with the same. I imagine him in his worst lost and lonely place, which he has been before. Instead of my worrying and reaching out way too much and checking in. I used cbt skills I'm learning to have more realistic thoughts and bring my anxiety down.  I feel better and I gave him space to manage his emotions.  I hope this gets easier over time. Thanks for all the encouragement and support. 

To follow up on this- you have learned from this. Before this relationship- you didn't know what you would experience. Rather than see this in a wrong/right context- consider what you'd do differently in the next relationship, when that happens and if it takes some time in between- that's good too.

Being single is also an opportunity for growth. Without someone else in your focus, you can focus on who you are, as a person, and what kind of relationship you want one day. You are already doing this by staying fit, focusing on work.

You weren't being "stupid". I know a few people who I think are competent and smart people and who have "fallen" for disordered people. It is hard to tell in the beginning. It's hard to really know anyone in the beginning as everyone puts their best foot forward when meeting someone new.

There's some red flags to sleeping with someone a week after ending a relationship with a fiance, but it's not just the act. It's the speed of the new relationship and that there wasn't any time between ending a serious relationship and starting a new one. Finding a new one quickly is more of an act of self soothing than dealing with the loss.

I'm married and so not dating but even in my every day life I meet people that I feel cautious about.

Speaking of prior experiences too quickly and from victim perspective is another red flag. Sharing TMI right away shows lack of boundaries. If I meet someone- male or female- even only on a friend basis-and they quickly start sharing very personal information with me, to me, that's a sign to be cautious.

Trust your gut. Sometimes I might meet someone and feel a sense of unease around them. Pay attention to your feelings in any relationship.

Don't be bitter and shut everyone out but also be cautious and don't move quickly in relationships. Friendships, and more than that, are built over time.

I think this is true. In some way, I think it will always feel hurtful when this happens, but we learn to work through it and move on. In actuality- their actions aren't about us at all.

For people who have a need to scapegoat and blame someone for whatever reasons- that's actually sad for them to feel some need to do that. Although these people cause strife for you at times, you are the fortunate one- you can be empathetic and not treat people like that.

We don't always have a choice of who we speak to. We may have to speak to an annoying co-worker, or relative, but in this case- you do have the choice, unless it's a direct contact situation at work that is unavoidable. You don't have to talk to her if it's not absolutely necessary.

As to not wanting to have contact with someone again after they've been with someone else- that's still your choice. You don't have to consider it weird- preferences are personal. We don't choose co-workers, or family- but we do choose who to have a relationship with and how people behave is part of that choice. Boundaries like that protect both people- because if you did reconnect and felt that way- you'd feel disgusted and they'd sense that and be unhappy. You don't have to compromise yourself.

It's possible she's take victim perspective with someone at the office and they are unknowingly stepping in as rescuers. IMHO the best way to let drama fizzle is to not react with emotion, or give any fuel to it. Act ethically, keep focused on work. You have a lot of control here- you can block her on your phone, on social media,  not reply to messages and emails. The concept "gray rock". PwBPD may thrive on drama. If you don't supply it- they may move on. People are mostly focused on themselves and their own needs, and tend to have a short attention span to gossip, drama- and without reacting- it will fizzle out in time.

If her father passes, that is sad, but you are not her emotional caretaker. You don't have to respond to that either, and if you think responding will prompt an attempt to reach out- don't do it, because you don't want to send a message that could be misinterpreted. IMHO it's not being uncaring- it's respecting a boundary.

You can hold your own boundary with someone you don't want any contact with. If you ran into her and she mentioned it- you could say "sorry for your loss" and then excuse yourself from further conversation.

Maybe this will help give some perspective.

I'm a huge NFL football fan and my hometown team has been average for about 20 years now.  They've consistently beat some of the top teams in the league, and they've consistently blown games against the worst of the worst.  It's perplexing to say the least and they're just not consistent.

On the football forum I've posted on for gosh, maybe 25-30 years now, some people are sky high with the first few wins of the season and 100% doom/gloom after a few losses.  I've never understood that though because if your only focus is being league champs, 31 of 32 franchises are going to be miserable every season.  Only 1 team ultimately wins, so why put all your hope in the final outcome?  To me, that takes away from actually enjoying the season and the big plays, etc.

For me, I enjoy each game week by week, regardless if we win or lose.  If we get blown out, okay, maybe there's not a lot of positives there.  But even then, teams usually bounce back and have a great game the following week.  That mindset lets me enjoy my team regardless of circumstances.

What's the point here?  You dated a mentally ill woman.  There were some great memories and some lousy ones.  You helped her reconnect with family, you helped her dig deeper into herself.  And no, you didn't "fix her".  But none of us ever have.  That would be the "Super Bowl" of BPD relationships, if one of us figured out how to completely heal our partners.

You had a journey- some good, some bad.  That's okay.  Enjoy the fond memories and let go of the ugly ones.  Forgive her for being broken.

Why?  The relationship has been over for awhile now, but she still has power over you.  What's she going to do?  What's she gonig to say to someone next?  Where will she show up next?  You have to let all of that stuff go, and the path to doing that is actually forgiving her from within.  That doesn't mean you'll be friends again or anything like that either- that's not what this is about.  It's to allow you to heal and truly move on, even though you see her weekly still.

Sometimes we want to look back on the relationship and declare it total failure because it ultimately ended.  I don't see it that way though.  We lived and learned and loved and did the best we could.  It's more about the journey and the growth than it is the end result.  And you've certainly frown signifigantly from her being in your life.  That's not a bad thing at all.