Another option- make the day special no matter who comes to dinner. I am glad you have a party planned later. Still have the dinner with your D and she can be your focus.

I recall a college graduation where my parents started arguing during a graduation lunch. He and BPD mother returned to their hotel together, presumably to continue their discussion? I spent the rest of the day on my own.

By getting into an argument, the focus was on that, and BPD mother, not on me, the graduate. I don't recall every argument they had, and don't expect to have been the center of attention all the time, but I recall this day because, it was my graduation.

My guess is that your BPD daughter takes a lot of focus for you and the family with her drama. If it were me, what I'd say is that- your child wants your attention, and your time and your focus on this day. That's probably the main thing for her.

No problem at all, please continue to talk this out and let us know how you're doing.  While this is merely peer-support, having someone that's "been there" and understands can sometimes be so valuable.  I'm currently living in the Philippines so I get it; being away from home with medical stuff going on is extremely stressful.  It took me a few years to figure out healthcare here.

One possible explanation for what your H is saying is that, if one sees things through victim perspective- then there's something that, to them, is evidence or confirmation of this perspective, even if it has nothing to do with them.

Your H is not the reason why your parents chose their church. They likely did it because they like the service, they have friends in the congregation, and other reasons. That your H had difficulty with that church wasn't even a factor but due to his thinking, this "confirmed" it.

It may not even be the church that was the problem. Churches are made up of people, all kinds of people, and this requires relationship skills. But to your H, the problem is the church, not his own interpersonal issues.

The comment about the potato salad is an example of a kitchen sink argument- throwing in every thing but the kitchen sink into an argument, so not on topic- just one thing that came to mind. It's OK to not like everything at a pot luck, that's why there's lots of choices. So if someone didn't like the potato salad, that's their choice. Your evidence is- did it get mostly eaten- if so, then in general, people like it.

BPD mother would often back out of planned get togethers, even one where I planned it for her, she decided she might not go, and then changed her mind and went. While you are trying to minimize damage, consider that- if this is his thinking, his anxiety- he's going to see some "reason" for it that is external to him due to projection, victim perspective. It's not possible to change someone else's thinking.

I think you're doing the best you can with this- but it is his decision and you can leave it up to him. Saying you are willing to visit his family if he wants to make plans together isn't "dumping" it on him- it's letting him be responsible for visiting his family. Invite him to go with you to your family events, and let him be the one to decide to go or not. So he complains- that's his thinking. It doesn't make it true.

I wasn't aware of all that went on with extended family when I was a kid, but hearing about it now- BPD mother didn't invite her own family over much and also didn't visit my father's family much either. Mostly we went to his family with my father or when we were older and could go on our own, someone dropped us off. The point being- maybe she didn't want to go, but we still went anyway when we could and we were able to form relationships with them. This is something you can still do.

SS15 is a teen age boy, and we all know that teens have not fully developed their brains. Teens tend to be more peer oriented, and also may be critical of the adults in their lives- they think they know it all. What he thinks now, may be different later.

Hi there,

Unfortunately, pwBPD often "ruin" important events for others.  I think it's because they can't handle seeing other people happy, as it's in stark contrast to their misery.  In essence, pwBPD can't be happy for others when they're not happy themselves.  When it comes to a sibling, they are extremely jealous--of parental attention, of the sibling's accomplishments, of any gifts or compliments received.  And they can't just keep quiet about it.  They tend to "spoil" things, by acting out to reclaim attention, even if it's negative attention.  It becomes sadly predictable.  You know the expression, Misery loves company?  I think that with BPD, misery loves miserable company, which is why she tries to spoil things.

My solution for this sort of situation has been to invite my pwBPD to events, but not to make her presence obligatory.  More often than not, she'll stay away, because by now, she knows she can't bear it.  I think that if your BPD daughter stays with her brother during the event, that's actually a good thing, as it reduces the amount of time she witnesses how much parents are gushing over her little sister for graduating.  If she doesn't want to attend a family dinner--fine.  If she doesn't want to attend the ceremony--fine.  In a way, by self-selecting to distance herself from her sister when she's graduating, your BPD daughter might actually be avoiding intense feelings of jealousy and potentially avoiding a total meltdown.  Her mood might vary from hour to hour, so she just doesn't know yet if she can "pull herself together" during the event.  My solution?  Don't force her.  Don't guilt her by saying, "Your sister will be devastated if you don't attend / Your sister attended your graduation; the least you could do is support her, too."  Let your BPD daughter determinine how much she can handle.  I think, the less she's around, the more you can focus on your graduating daughter and make the milestone special for her.

I know it's disappointing, believing you can't even have your entire family around the table to celebrate a happy occassion.  I get that.  But don't beat yourself up, because you have a daughter with BPD who just can't handle that right now (without making a scene).  I'd advise, give her the option to bow out and keep her distance, which is probably all she can handle right now.  Think of it as an "adult time out."  My guess is she's in her early 20s, which is probably peak BPD dysfunction time.  She need lots and lots of adult time outs.

I think this is a reasonable solution if your kid simply must have access to a smartphone.  I like the implication that it's not the kid's phone--it's really the parents' phone.  Access remains in the open--not in the bedroom, especially at night--and the parent can check activity at will.  The parent can remove the phone to avoid too much time lost to screens.

However, in practice, the above might lead to an environment of constant bargaining/discussion/nagging about phone use.  I'd say, if as a parent you're sick of it, then it's 100% your right to confiscate the phone completely.  "It's not healthy to have a home dynamic where we're constantly arguing about a device.  I'm getting rid of it until we can get back to normal."  And basically, that's what my sister did by cutting off TV and internet in her house.  She just couldn't stand the constant arguments with her three kids.  That response might be considered extreme, but I think it did wonders for their childhood.  Without screens to suck up their days (and nights), there was time for crafts, reading, playing outside, play dates, drawing, skits, musical instruments, hikes, bike riding, sports, library visits, hobbies, etc.  It was probably hardest for my sister, who resorted to using her computer at the public library (which had free internet), but it worked for her and her kids.

Hi Pook,

Thanks again for replying. I believe you're right, I need to find a safe space.

Thanks, all. I want to help my younger daughter with boundaries and putting herself first, but that's a process and not one I can make happen. We are having a big party the following Sunday and her sister will be back in her home city by then. We'll save up for that special day and be more proactive for the next special occasion.

Hey Pluie,

Staying is certainly an option and it's 100% your choice.  I'd just advise you to get to the place where you'll have the easiest time recovering both physically and mentally.  You have to get from under all that stress that you're currently facing.

The marriage is important, don't get me wrong, but your health is so much more important and it's your most pressing matter.  If you can stay and heal, there's nothing wrong with that.  But who would you have if you returned home?  I'd think about your imediate support systems, access to healthcare, and the people within your life.

Again, nobody can tell you to stay or go.  My main concern is you right now since you're not dealing with this well.  So many of us have been there, but we weren't alone and isolated like you are currently.

Hi Pook,

Thank you. I was hoping it wouldn't be necessary to write again. But this is happening at it is what it is.

I am from the EU, and the country I moved to is also within the Schengen Area. Going back would not be hard. I am thinking about it. I  have learned the language. I had just found a part-time job when this all happened.

Part of me would like to stay, rebuild, recover. I am just so scared of what's ahead. I have never been this scared.

That's exactly what's happening and everyone is being manipulated in order for your BPD kid to enact revenge.  It's mean and spiteful for sure, so you only have two options:

1)  Confront the BPD daughter directly
2)  Do nothing and let her have the win

If you go with option 1, it will likely ruin the graduation event.  Maybe your BPD daughter doesn't even show up.  If you do option 2, the event goes on as planned and everyone is happy but you.  Option 3 could be talking to your younger daughter, but that's likely the worst option of all since you don't want to add pressure on her for a special day.  She's the one who gets to choose though and if she wants to placate her older sister, then so be it.

Nothing about this is fair and I'm so sorry you're going through it.