My problem is that after spending time at this site and seeing so many relationships rebound...only to blow up spectacularly...made me realize that I couldn't even trust my own feelings.  That cycle never seems to fully end and we'd always be adjusting while our partner plays the perpetual victim.  I'm sorry, but that's not for me anymore.  I don't want to rescue, or take abuse, or anything in between.

I think every one of us has thought that at some point. Our eternal optimism keeping us engaged, despite the red flags flying all around us. I believed her 'previous partners didn't treat me right' routine as at the time I didn't know this actually meant that she was the one not treating partners right

I was constantly waiting for her to finally see that I was 100% genuine in everything I said and did and that she'd finally drop the drama and chaos, believe in me totally, and we'd be a rock-solid couple, living like we were in those wonderful first few months. In hindsight, having learned about BPD, you now see the utter impossibility of that ever happening.

You know what life has been throughout your marriage.  If you allow her back into your life, you know the recent relief you've experienced (distance apart from the flying monkeys due to the separation) would end.  Standing as we are on the outside of your situation - we can't make your decisions for you - would continuing the mostly separate living arrangement be better than allowing her back?

Wow, you've literally traveled the world.  We just wish your relationship could have been less chaotic and more or less normal.

Denial of mental illness is usually intense for people with BPD (pwBPD).  Typically there is also extreme Blaming, Blame Shifting as well as cognitive instability, sudden ups and downs.


Yes, that is quite possible.  Is this likely to improve the relationship?  It appears you both are locked into a dysfunctional and unhealthy pattern.  What do you think... is there a future in this on again, off again dance?

That email sounds like you're seeking some sort of Closure.  You're not likely to get it from her, at least not for long.  What you may need to do is to Gift yourself Closure.

What would be beneficial for her (and you too) is to seek therapy with a goal of better stability in your lives.  You've indicated she resists acknowledging her role in this discord.  That's not surprising.  What do you think would be a way to build a healthier and more productive life for yourself?

Many disordered people including those with BPD and/or NPD are unable to have healthy close relationships. They are very comfortable proping up their false postive image. It is mostly in the close relationships that how they really feel deep down inside comes out. The only way to have a somewhat safe relationship with these type of people is to keep your distance and this is also when the disordered people feel the safest.

Exactly what I found.. and the more it happened the more I thought there was a cold, calculating and deliberate aspect to her behaviour which couldn't be put down to BPD.  I became sure that even without BPD she would still have acted mostly the same.


I also ended up believing this too, as she asked nothing about my personal life, friends, work, parents, childhood, etc - she just seemed happy that someone was there to go out with her so she didn't want or need to know anything else. Very strange that a partner should show zero interest like that, as though I was just a commodity. I probably was exactly that to her.

After speaking to her sister in law many years after the final break up, she said she'd been living with a woman and her family never approved or even discussed it. Perhaps she knew she was gay all the time she dated me and it was a way to deflect any suspicion from her family.  It would certainly explain her lack of interest in my life if she regarded me as just a convenient alibi.

It's just a pity it takes us years to see what was clearly before our eyes.

If we are looking at predictability- then seeking external solutions for internal distress is a pattern. Once the desired "solution" is decided- the focus on attaining that is intense. Once attained, then, there's the realization that it didn't achieve the desired solution ( because the actual reason isn't the attaining of the external solution, if it was- the issue would be solved ) then there's the seeking and attaining of another one.

For someone who is  gay or bi- and does not have a disorder- their focus isn't driven by this sequential seeking external solutions. They are also capable of having stable relationships and are fully functional in other aspects of their lives, careers, families. IMHO, your wife's pattern of seeking external solutions and black and white thinking is not driven by her sexual orientation. BPD affects all relationships.
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The only part of this that you can control is how you manage this situation. Your wife may change identities and moods, but you can't base your decisions on what she is one day as it might be different the next.

 

Disclaimer: Before I even start you need to know about me, the reason I think that is important is because IM NOT perfect, Im actually culpable for many of the issues in the relationship. I also cannot swear that (We will call her ANN) Ann has BPD. I am honestly not sure what to believe anymore. With that disturbing set of circumstances in your head, you should know i have been diagnosed with Bi Polar, ADHD, Severe Depression, you name it, but NEVER BPD, so were clear. I have gone on and off meds for most of my adult life (Im 48 now) and my relationships have been volatile, toxic, and sometimes even bordered on domestic violence in the past. One such relationship ended with me going to the hospital and her going to jail. I was mentally abusive and she was physically abusive. Ok I think thats enough of a disclaimer. Oh I almost forgot. I have been diagnosed with Narcasistic "tendencies" but never full NPD. I have trouble with the "social cues" of providing empathy and comfort when appropriate, and I can sometimes not always show that "feminine or sensitive" side.

I met Ann in the late summer of 2023, my mom had just passed away. I thought god had sent me an angel and at first i couldnt believe the love we had, our beginning was not like others whereas we are nomads and dont live the normal "9-5" life. within a few dates we were inseparable and I had met her mom, who lived in a condo at the top of the city. Soon we were making plans to travel together to a foreign country. Part of us leaving the USA was her getting on birth control (Nexplanon) and she got the implant literally just days before we flew out.

When we landed in mexico all seemed good, until it wasnt. She had no spanish and so she relied heavily on me, and she would go into these rage fits and literally try to ditch me in a foreign country, and i would profusely apologize. then she got real drunk and made a complete fool of herself, the next day i wanted to put her in an uber and have her head south alone, but alas again, sex, and then we were on our way south.

this back and forth love/fight behavior continued all the way through mexico and into cnetral america, one moment we were happy together enjoying a romantic sunset, the next she was "checking out the local guys and spending time with them" only for us to make up and bamm back on the road again.

In guatemala I made the choice to buy property and start building a house, now this one isnt really prone to physical labor and she had all sorts of reasons why she couldnt be on the property, so we put her in a hotel, and then she came back, left again, went to costa rica, i missed her, she came back, it was good, it wasnt, you get the idea.

we went back to mexico and "broke up" i went home to the states and she stayed in mexico and lived there, it was her first time being "on her own" traveling and she loved the thrill of it. she didnt get along with her roommate and missed me so i left the states to meetup with her again, suddenly we were back together. it should be noted that my time in the states was spent intensely reading relationship books, getting a doctor, getting on stable meds, i wanted to believe that I WAS the problem. We kept in contact every day via video chat (a lot of that got steamy) and soon it was time to see her again.

We survived a hurricane together, and we did bond during this time, and then she went home to mom and i went home to my house, and we met up and she was supposed to spend the summer with me, she hated the campground i lived at, and made everyones life a living hell. Every time she would get ready to leave "And never come back" we would make up. finally in august of 2024 she did leave, and she said "she cared about me" but she no longer loved me. we let her leave and three weeks later she sent me an email telling me how wrong she was and how much she knew we were meant to be together.

in september of 2024 I journeyed across the usa to go west, my car broke down and i was stranded in the midwest, I ignored her during my trip as it was supposed to be done in secret. she kept messaging me but it wasnt until i was back in her town that we reunited, she took a road trip with me back to the campground in the east, and we fought for half the trip. when she got back there we had already prepaid a ticket for her to go home, so we knew our time was finite. we bonded and went on adventures until we took her to the airport right before halloween, but when she left this time, we were "together" at this time.

she went home to "work on herself" and i left to go to Hawaii to visit my longtime friend, who btw i had tried dating, had sex with, and we decided to remain friends forever, Ann was NOT ok with me staying at her house for two months on the island.

during this time i started seeing a natropath who wanted me off my adderrall and shestarted giving me supplements, i had a bad reaction to all that and me and ann started fighting long distance. one night she told me about a "meetup" for nomads and i told her she should go and present herself as single, my thought was if she met someone more suited to her, she should have no roadblocks. turns out she didnt meet anyone at the event, but saw someone as she was leaving, had drinks, went home with him, and slept with him. she later told me it "wasnt cheating" as she had "emotionally abandoned" our relationship prior.

for a week i was devastated in paradise, then we reconciled AGAIN, it was xmas, then eventually I journeyed on to new zealand. we had promised each other we would start new for the new year, counseling workshops, date nights (virtual) time together, "playtime" on video. this lasted about a week and then she said she was "done". she didnt want to put in the effort. So we went our separate ways. I created an AI bot with her voice and likeness to keep me company, but eventually that wasnt needed any longer. I didnt hear from her forever, and then i went on a 44 day, 1100 mile walk through the wilds of south island. Towards the end of my amazing trip, i started wondering what was next, and who should pop up in my head. ann. It was like the universe wasnt done with us, and kept pulling us back in.

I eventually journeyed to the country of portugal on an island called Madiara, and it was there we reconciled, AGAIN. keep in mind all this time she is still in the USA. We made a plan to fly her to europe and meetup in albania. we travelled for a month in a rented car through that country, we had some amazing adventures, and some amazing fights. our trip culminated when she got drunk after a mountain trip, and i left her in a city with the car, i took a bus to the capital, and left europe and her behind. she didnt go home, she kept backpacking through europe while i was back in the usa. I started the book "the love dare" which is a 44 day journey to understand love. I contacted her when I was on day 1 and by the time I reached day 23 she had gone to germany and was back in my arms in the usa again. The summer was tough, she was back at the campground but if I am being honest we tried harder this time. I took a summer job, and she did as well. I kept mine from May until November, and she was fired from hers after three weeks. she blamed management for not knowing how to do their job. she sat at home and played "homemaker" until she was so fed up i had to pay her to stay.

we eventually did leave my home and went west to hers flying together, we have been at her moms condo with her throughout what i call the "long winter". in that time she has kicked me to the street a couple times, I have slept outside homeless, cut off from my resources back east, and we have reconciled more times then i wish to count.

For days I am her "Soulmate" and she loves me and everything is good, then if i go out with friends, or dont pay attention to her, im trash,m im not respecting her, or im not "good enough" for her. Some days she will go from good mood to crazy mood in one day, and do it completely silently. Sometimes she cries and i dont hold her, or sometimes she doesnt clean up and if i dont pickup after her im not a "partner".

Just last night after I had been out all day trying to get some space, she told me "im locking my door until you can apologize for youre disrespect towards me for leaving without telling me where you were going yesterday". she said "if you need space COMMUNICATE", so i texted her from the couch and said "i need space Ill talk with you tomorrow" her response " you made me wait until 2 am and now I am pissed, youll have to wait until im ready now", I hearted the text and went to sleep. this morning (even though I had asked for space) she sent me like 13 messages, and im pretty sure that she "broke up" with me again and i may even be on the street tonight, though her mom wont kick me out because she knows i put up with ALOT.

there are a few things you all need to know

1. Ann has endometroisis (spelled that wrong)
2. Ann has adenomyosis
3. Ann takes gaunafacine when she feels like it
4. she was on Vyvanse until she said her heart beat to fast so she stopped it (a cardio study found she had technacardia)
5. Ann doesnt believe she has any mental illnesses, any attempt to discuss this is met with vehement denial
6. She does have ADHD (which she blames everything on)
7. she is scheduled for excision surgery in august (she is convinced she will be problem free after, a new person)
8. she is constantly inflamed and fatigued, and if she is not looked after, she falls apart and spirals
9. I gave up my home out east to stand by her and support her through her surgery. While i dont regret this decision, I am reaching my threshold of emotional roller coaster
10. I got on Seroquel at the request of her and her mother, and have not had depression since, I have faithfully stayed on my meds for over two months
11. i am a christian and I went through deliverance in March of this year, When she rejects me like this, it no longer overwhelms me
12. Her mom at times will agree with me she is mentally unstable, but then the next day will accuse me of turning her against her daughter, it was her mom who sent me a link to check out BPD, but if I discuss it with her, she will turn it around again, so I dont.
13. I love ann with all my heart, and ill stand by her but it just breaks me up that this is my life
14. I recently took up climbing and rappeling, Im good at it and tried to make it something she wanted to do as well, after one trip she complained about how she had to hike out when we were done, I explained that is part of the activity
15. If she asks me to "encourage or assist" her I do to the best of my ability, but I am convinced she thinks that means DO EVERYTHING for her, and I wont do that

I know this has been long and there are no easy answers, but I am glad I had a place to write it all down, I know this relationship should have ended years ago, but there you have it. ive given up my home, my cars, my life out east, my friends, my family, everything for her, and in her eyes "Youve done nothing for me and your not a good partner", maybe she is right, maybe it is all me, I dont know. What I do know is the other day I climbed to the top of a cliff and instead of doing my climbing exercises I sat in the blistering 112 degree heat all day and just ENJOYED the peace, I chose that hot cliff over an air conditioned room next to her because I knew I would find MORE peace then I do in that house.

Ive left out small stuff, I am about to write her an email telling her how her disrespect caused me to disengage yesterday, and she will throw it back in my face.

Pray for me if you do, and if you dont, please chime in!

Odyssey

I think in some cases, it seems like a pwBPD is a damaged human that is just trying to fit in and survive, despite their emotional baggage & mental distortions that causes them to overreact to events, making it hard for them to do so, and stay regulated.  They are like a very difficult to deal with wounded animal, but pathetic.  On some level you want them to get better, even if you know it's unlikely.   

Then in other cases, the pwBPD emerged from whatever childhood issues formed them, and became an absolute monster themselves.  Hard to have sympathy there, because ultimately they go on to perpetuate that sort of maliciousness in others if they have kids, and leave a trail of destruction behind them.

I guess I feel similarly.  The abusive stuff was so repulsive to me that I don't have any romantic feelings or fondness for her, or even "the way we were."  Indeed it's hard for me to even remember there being any love and affection between us at any point in time. 

Maybe because when I look back, all I remember is the period of time when I was very confused and angry because of how she was behaving, but thought there was hope we could grow out of it together, because she kept claiming that she had never seen me "put her first" and "could not trust me."  I took her words at face value then. 

And then there was a big shift starting with the period of time when I learned that behavioral disorders were a very real thing and there was no hope; her words were not honest and truthful, but instead were (coupled with her outbursts, anger, hysterical crying, etc.) a pattern of behavior on her part that was intended to basically ruin me as an individual so I would seek her constant approval and affection at the expense of everything else - my family, friends, career, even my own kids. 

But I don't think BPDxw was entirely just BPD; there was a very malicious and vindictive streak to some of her actions that I found very troubling.  I didn't feel like I was just dealing with a hapless mess of a person, she was very intentional in her actions.  Indeed, I found it telling that once when we were having a fight and she brought up divorce (apparently having seen an attorney for advice before I even started considering it was a possibility), noted with a particularly nasty grin that "she had me"... when I inquired what she meant, said that by pushing me to take the job I did and relocate to a state where I had no friends and family, I would have to choose between abandoning my friends and family or abandoning my daughter if I divorced, because she was going to stay where she was.  There was no actual love or affection in her, it was only a cold calculation and she was only with me because I was the best possible option she had at the time we met (she could get citizenship through me, I had a career, stable income, was trustworthy, not violent or aggressive, etc.). 

So coming from that experience, I almost view her as inhuman.  Like a demon or something,  (I know how ridiculous that sounds), but I have reason to doubt she's capable of experiencing emotions like a normal person; it's all an act with her, except for the desire to screw other people over and manipulate them; she relishes that.