This is an admirable move on her part. 

To the extent she is able to truly recover from BPD, which I guess is more a matter of permanently changing her behavioral patterns so that she no longer displays the characteristics of BPD, she'll have accomplished something few BPDers do. 

Lest you feel too bad about losing someone, consider that this situation may be a bit of a "Catch-22" here, in that there was no real way you could have been together and been a healthy couple.  What I mean to say is, she needed space to work on herself, and she wouldn't have had that space in the context of a committed relationship with you.  And from what I've  read here, "recovering" from BPD is not a minor undertaking... in addition to being rare, it's a long term commitment of participating in DBT or some other form of therapy, and consciously incorporating the learnings from therapy in their own life. 

The closeness of a relationship is usually one of the things that "triggers" BPD behaviors, so if she had been in the relationship, it's likely she really wouldn't be able to work on herself, and would find herself slipping back into the negative behaviors one associates with BPD due to the sudden fears of abandonment and loss that they only really feel within the context of close relationships.

You also may want to consider that you dodged a bullet: the relationship ended before you were subject to any of the negative aspects of BPD.  Read some accounts here and suffer vicariously... the highs of the relationship are matched by the lows of feeling chained to these people who  seriously mistreat their partners and those closest to them.  There's nothing worse than dreading your home life because you never know what you're going to walk into; you never know when the other shoe is going to drop and you'll find yourself suddenly subjected to a screaming tirade, or physical abuse or worse. 

Yes that is well said.  Like you, I think this most recent incident (where I dated a suspected BPD woman who was also the sultry cheater prototype) made me realize I still carry some of the mental scars from the previous long-term relationship, or going back before that likely to my own issues from childhood, etc.

This was true of my ex from 3.5 years ago also.  I don't have much emotional reaction when I think about her, which does happen occasionally, I wonder what became of her .... but I don't think I will ever reach out again (and it is a coin toss whether she will ever contact me.)  Just have to remember to be very careful in dating to not let another one in -- and to continue healing myself -- given the amount of damage they are capable of inflicting.

Originally after the breakup it was the sexual chemistry and excitement which I missed the most, and which I thought would be the thing I could never replace.  Most of my pain in the early days seemed to come from longing for that part of my connection with her.  Now, having dated for 3+ years since that breakup, I realize that part was actually easily replaceable, and that the longing for her actually traces to my early childhood wounding which I was trying to repair via my relationship with her.   That shift was very surprising to me.

Hi again,

I'd say that the pwBPD in my life really clings to her version of events, "her truth" so to speak.  If she is questioned or challenged any way (with different facts or interpretations), she'll typically stonewall (be evasive, dance around the issue, refuse to listen, talk/yell over others, sometimes lie, argue in circles, etc.), distract/deflect by blaming or bringing up an unrelated issue or insult (aka DARVO), or retreat in avoidance.  Sometimes we'll experience all three tactics in the span of a few minutes.  Most of the time, there's victimization and misplaced blame involved.

I've written here many times before that I think the victim attitude is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless and feeling not responsible for life and her behavior, blaming others instead.  I think it's basically a form of learned helplessness.   But at the same time, she's getting something out of it:  she's avoiding responsibility, she's getting attention and concessions, and she's feeling justified in acting mean.  For her, the stakes are high.  She clings to the victim narrative like her life depends on it.  Many times I've felt that her life basically did depend on this way of thinking, because victimhood becomes her very IDENTITY.  I mean, if she's not the poor, aggrieved, traumatized girl treated unfairly by the entire world, then who is she really?  Her life depends on maintaining this narrative, and she re-interprets the past with that lens.  So to answer your question, I think this is the reason that she HAS to be right . . . that her narrative is the right one, and that you're not only wrong, but you're a horrible person for invalidating her feelings and not agreeing with her, even when she's lying.  She's so convinced and self-righteous that she'll literally threaten suicide to prove you wrong, while blaming you for making her want to kill herself.  And yet, when "her truth" starts to crack, she starts to become unhinged, and she might experience bouts of dissociation, with the realization that she's made some terrible decisions.  Does that sound familiar?  I honestly wish it didn't sound familiar to me.

I think this is a well said point. Agreed- the pwBPD "has a problem". It may be that between both people, that problem is the main issue. But we can not work on someone else's problems. Focusing on our own situations and choices is the more effective approach.

With respect for the categories, advice on bettering a relationship does not negate personal choice- either for her or you. Each person has the ability to choose for themselves.

A common phenomenon with BPD is a push pull cycle and recycling relationships. However, should this happen, it also means going back to these dynamics unless some serious recovery/therapy/healing has gone on with the pwBPD. This does not happen quickly. If she wants to rekindle next week, next month, assume that a lot of work has not been done. However, you too can decide whether to agree to rekindle, or move on at any time  if this were to happen.

While this is the bettering board - if someone has chosen to end things, it's still their choice. It isn't possible to control another person's feelings or choices.

It is good your GF is in weekly therapy but of course neither we nor you know to what extent she is applying that therapy in her life and perceptions.  We hope she is doing so and we'll have to leave it at that.

Sometimes it can work with a person who has to be right all the time to get them to talk to exhaustion defending their points of view, and then they may start to present the other side. Learning some of the techniques from motivational interviewing can be helpful in dealing with this kind of person.

Hi there,

I have a diagnosed BPD and an undiagnosed NPD in my life, and I have been surprised at how their  behaviors seem to overlap:  the delusional, extreme beliefs, the incessant need for attention, the entitlement, the demandingness, the manipulations, the lack of empathy for others, the volatile relationships, the million excuses for breaking promises, blaming others for everything and twisting facts to justify hurting others.  I'd say that, on top of all that, is the ability to "pull themselves together" when they want to, as well as their apparent willingness to hurt people close to them.

I'll note that I understand that many pwNPD can appear to lead functional lives, but the pwuNPD in my family has a dysfuntional lifestyle.  In fact, both the pwBPD and pwNPD rely on others to over-function for them in life.

Nevertheless, I see two main differences in them.  The first is the underlying mindset.  I think the pwBPD is beset by overwhelmingly negative thinking.  Her default assumption is that she's incapable, unloveable, messed up, unworthy, ugly.  She's insecure and plagued by fear, worry, anxiety and shame.  She excoriates herself over every little thing.  Since that's too disturbing to live with every day, she flipts the script and focuses outside herself, convincing herself that she's mistreated, aggrieved, downtrodden, unlucky, abused by the world.  That leads to projection of her ill thoughts onto others, and to blaming others for messing up her life.  The negative mindset morphs into a victim mindset, which keeps her stuck in a rut, because she refuses to take responsibility for her life and behavior.  Instead, she lashes out (or retreats in avoidance) as she blames others for all her problems.  She believes she's justified in hurting others, in a misguided attempt to let them know the extent of her pain and/or to punish them for perceived wrongs.

In contrast, I think the NPD is beset by a "delusional," overly positive view of himself.  He thinks he's special, important, privileged, unique.  He is a spotlight hog and thinks that other people should not only praise him, but serve him like a king.  He is demanding of others in terms of following rules, and yet he is exempt from any rules because of his special, exceptional status.  His interests and needs always come first, and he doesn't consider other people's feelings, not even those of his own children.  He's always the best, always right, always the most important.  When he's getting attention, admiration and service, he can be charming and engaging.  But when the attention fades, he can turn in an instant and be cruel.  Yet his retributions seem more calculating than those of pwBPD, who are ruled by emotions.  I think the pwNPD is more controlled--seemingly intellectual and calculating--when plotting retribution.  It's as if he enjoys seeing others suffer because of their insubordination and inferiority.

And that leads to a second critical difference.  I think the pwBPD might be capable of admitting that her life has become unbearable, and that she needs some therapeutic help.  She might feel so miserable and desperate, that she'll seek out therapy and actually give it a chance, provided that she has no other option but to work on herself.  If she's determined, she has a chance of turning her life around with therapy.  But I suspect the pwNPD would never admit to any need for therapy.  I think he believes that he's perfect, that therapists are stupid, and that his brain and body are special anyway, immune to conventional treatments.

As an aside, I think it has helped me to think of my pwBPD as someone who is emotionally handicapped.  I've estimated that her emotional "age" is around 70% of her chronological age.  So at 21, she was operating like a 15 year old at best.  Think teenage relationship crises, over-reaction to minor setbacks, impulsivity, procrastination, difficulty with accountability, reliance on parents to manage her life, peer group obsession.  As she has gotten older, I think she has matured somewhat, but in her late 20s, she's still somewhat "behind."  She seems completely overwhelmed by a relatively easy, entry-level job (basically, office reception with scheduling duties).  She can't get along with her roommates for very long.  She's flaky and bails on commitments.  She holds grudges forever and can't apologize.  She takes everything too personally, such as feedback from her boss.  She still expects other adults to over-function for her, though she has made some progress here.  Anyway, my observation is that while pwBPD seem to be emotionally "immature," I don't think the analogy works very well with NPD.  In other words, I've observed that pwBPD can grow/mature/change, whereas NPD, not so much.

Just my two cents based on anecdotal evidence.

In some regards, her ending things is the mature, responsible thing to do.  In other regards, she's running from her own fears and that's never going to get better until she faces things head-on.

If you're still friends and talking, that's great.  "It's over" rarely means that from BPDs, it means they're running away before they run right back again.  So give this time, be gentle and supportive, and don't feel the need to pressure her back into a relationship.  If you push, she'll feel smothered and run.  So do the opposite of that.

This is the bettering category, so we must give advice on restoring the relationship.  If this was in a different category though, folks would say that her ending the relationship could be a blessing in disquise.  So take this break for what it actually is- a time to gather thoughts, grow emotionally, and see if there's something there down the road.  Since you're long distance, that makes it somewhat easier for both of you and it could actually help rekindle things.

Unfortunately she has decided to end the relationship. She believes she has too much to work on and heal on her own. 

We're still friends and I wish her the best and hope she can heal. I love and admire her and sadly she thinks it's just not the right time to be in a relationship.

Thank you all for your input and support.