Hi Pook075,


I'm trying to follow your thought. Why would "his world be spiraling"? Do you think this could be a side effect of being in therapy for 3 weeks and having a better look into himself?

You've ended several posts with this sentiment, but it's 100% okay to rant, ramble, etc here. 

While we're talking about BPD partners, this site has little to do with THEM and everything to do with US.  Our concern is not about how your spouse is doing, but how you're coping with all of this and what steps you're taking to improve your mental health.  Because even though you're not diagnosed with anything, you've been through an ordeal and continue to be attacked.  That's draining and we all arrived here in a tailspin.

We're here to support that part of your journey, plus answer BPD-related questions.  That's why ranting will always be accepted and even encouraged here.


I did want to touch on this though- this is clear abuse.  We don't know if it's BPD or alcohol or a combination of everything, but it is never acceptable to allow someone else to treat us that way.  And if he wants to text friends about it, let him!!!  Let him look crazy and receive feedback from someone other than you (and his therapist).

He's crashing out because his world is spiraling...and that's a good thing.  Let him crash and maybe he'll see the need to change some things in his life.  This could be the best thing that's ever happened to him, to be honest.

Hi sm1981,

When you said it can get worse long before it ever gets better, were you thinking about the meds? I would be concerned about that.

In the case of my wife, we opted to do a gradual introduction to avoid side effects, allowing her brain to move smoothly from homeostasis to neuroadaptation. And it's working (see my post). However, if, for any reason, things were clearly heading south, we would just stop them. The use of psychiatric medications is frequently a risky game, especially in the case of SSRIs and mood stabilizers. A responsible doctor will consider multiple options and switch to a different approach if the initial one fails.

Other than that, it's better not to put too much effort into understanding the specific behavior. It is what it is.

The period of calm lasted a few days and he had a melt down last night. Accused me of all sorts of things (including being unfaithful with a friend)- if I had the chance of a relationship without all this drama at this stage I would take it so it's completely irrational.  I nearly got pulled into JADEing but then decided to just leave the room and go to my bedroom, he followed screaming, door slamming, then went away repeating , shouting and screaming until he eventually burned himself out- all the while telling me he was recording the interaction as "proof" - baffles me.  I wont have him back in my home now.  My children weren't there thankfully but he's too volatile . I a c**t all my friends are c**ts - I've got it all coming to me apparently.  I had to stop him messaging mutual friends last night just because he would have looked crazy.

Planned a nice weekend with friends.  I have had 4 days straight of a loving cuddling , needs to be with me Dr Jekyll/little boy lost and back to Mister Hyde (he's on day 3 of meds- so he's told me) and week 3 of therapy so I know it can get worse long before it ever gets better.  Just wanting to get it out .  My friends just say leave for good (I might have to) but it's so sadly clear hes not well.

TY for the suggestions...I am trying to have a little fun when I am not distracted! I am trying to be quiet while he slowly begins to feel the discomfort of a quiet house with no kids and no maid service (his wife). 

Thank you everyone for the support and birthday wishes. She actually responded back with an apology of her own with a side of still needing to blame.  I will take it. It meant a lot to me because my oldest with BPD didn't call or connect with me on my birthday.  We will see where this goes but for now I feel like I can let go a little and deal with the other things in my life I need to attend with. 

When I turned the corner with my BPD daughter, it was my brother passing away and us traveling together for a final goodbye.  Everyone said don't do it, the trip will be a disaster, but I stayed focused on the reason we were going and I wasn't going to deny her saying goodbye to her uncle.

On that trip, she said something like, "I was a terrible kid and I feel bad for how I treated my parents."  It wasn't exactly an apology, but I was so shocked hearing it that I was rattled for days. 

So I wrote her a letter after getting home and was super careful with my words.  I told her that I regretted that we didn't have the best relationship and I was sorry it couldn't be better.  I told her that I always tried my best, even when I didn't have any idea what to do.

I think it was my last line that really got her though, I said something like, "I want you to know that I forgive you for everything, every last bit of it.  It's forgotten."  And I actually meant it.

After that, everything has changed for the better.  I've been told off a few times, but otherwise we've had a surprisingly normal relationship and I am so thankful for it.

Three things:

1)  I apologized for everything in one lump sum.
2)  I said I always did the best I could, I never meant to hurt her.
3)  I forgave everything and actually meant it.

I hope that helps someone and I'm rooting for all of you!

Hi,

I don't pretend to think that any apology I could make would stick or even mean anything to my daughter. I think that anything I could say would be met with ridicule and derision. It's been the norm so why expect otherwise? I think this is all very disheartening. I'm listening to the book, "Rules of Estrangement" and honestly, it's heartening and sad to hear someone else voice my life.

CG4ME, you should take heart. This isn't you. I've heard quite a few people tell me this in the relatively short time I've been dealing with this and each and every time I hear it, it feels so empowering. You're a good person and you are doing your best. They'll never understand that not because of you, but because they don't know how.

hi, friends!  I met with my BPD therapist who said the most interesting thing, we (collectively) mourn the idea of a child we "envisioned" and are learning how to "deal" with the child we "have"....love this...hope everything is doing well

Hi campbembpd,

Consider buying a smartwatch that has a camera and allows you to record every interaction. It's better than a smartphone because it's not so easy to destroy, and it won't intimidate her. You still have time to buy it. You don't need to point it to her, because the audio will be recorded anyway.

I have special glasses that can record many hours, but the frame is a bit thick, and the image quality is too bad at night.