Hi again,
Well I think you have a very good read of the situation, and you're doing great, though the situation is unsettling. I noticed too that abuse of substances made my BPD stepdaughter's behavior much worse. She was self-medicating, believing she'd numb herself from her issues, when in actuality she made herself more dysfunctional, more paranoid and more emotionally off-kilter. After daily use of substances over an extended period, I noticed some deterioration in her verbal skills, too.
I like the idea of you keeping the lines of communication open, but not responding when your daughter is being abusive. You're right, she doesn't want your advice, and she is blaming you. When she's in a state, she can't process anything you have to say anyway. It's all part of her victim attitude and blame-shifting. And yes, she's channeling her out-of-control rage your way. Maybe she's doing this because she needs a release, and she knows that nobody else in the world will tolerate it. But if things continue to spiral, she might unleash her rage onto others, which means she'll probably end up friendless, jobless and maybe even homeless. Maybe then she'll hit bottom, where her only option will be to get some professional help. Now I'm not suggesting that you should tell your daughter that you suspect BPD or mental illness, because as you've seen, she'll take it the wrong way and also accuse you of being the sick one (that's projection, by the way). But if she mentions getting therapy, I'd try to frame it in a supportive and non-accusatory way ("That's mature of you, taking care of yourself is important," or maybe, "Getting therapy to cope with trauma sounds like a good idea, it couldn't hurt," or maybe "Doctors are professionals, they help people feel better, that's their job."
I think you ARE being emotionally supportive, with this approach: "I love her very much, but I cannot tolerate verbal abuse and threats on my livelihood." You stick to that boundary, and maybe, eventually, your kid will figure out that, in order to have a closer relationship with you, she needs to be respectful. The thing is, with BPD, her emotional intelligence is impaired, and she's a slow learner (in terms of learning how to self-soothe, how to process her emotions in a healthy way, and how to problem-solve and communicate more effectively). DBT therapy is designed to improve these skills.
Look, I realized I had to make a shift with the emotional support I was providing to the pwBPD in my life. At first, I had a tendency to try to fix things, to try to help her out (e.g. with a job search). But she didn't really want the type of help I was providing; she just wanted my money, and to do whatever she wanted. I thought, OK, she's an adult, if she wants my advice, she'll ask for it; any unsolicited advice I provide she'll take as insulting or condescending. She wants to go her own way, and I'll support that from an emotional standpoint. So when she declares her intentions--"I want to move to New York City" or "I want to volunteer in Gaza"--I'll say something like, "I can see why you'd like to do that." And that's it. The "old me" would have peppered her with questions, cautioned her about safety, high costs and long-term commitments. The "old she" would expect me to help her find a place to live, buy plane tickets, co-sign a lease and help move her in. But hey, she's in her late 20s, if she wants to move to NYC or Gaza(?!), she has to be the one to make it happen. My guess is, if she really wants it, she'll take some steps forward, and if not, she'll decide to do something else, all by herself. And that's OK. In fact, it's better than OK, because she is the commander of her life, not me, not her dad, not anyone else.


