Parasocial won word of the year, last year! Social media + mental illness does not equal a good time for everyone. It's such a gateway drug. I'd love to get back to posting fun, artsy things (like back in the day) but it just feels dominated by algorithms and outright depressing, now.

That's a really challenging balancing act. A good therapist is great, and I also highly recommend "High Conflict Couples" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" if you need good reads. The NEABPD 8-week courses are nice, but do take 2 hours on Friday afternoons.

An additional question, is she herself in DBT? Or seeking awareness of her state of mind, etc? One of the better things said to me here regularly is the thumb-and-hammer reality that the way our pwBPD process and ingest emotional experiences is like hitting your thumb with a hammer; can't think straight. That makes it very difficult for people in your situation.

I understand feeling closed off; it can be difficult to be yourself when your emotions feel like "the problem" (insofar as feeling as if having any of them at all simply becomes a trigger). While that might not be your unique situation, what you're feeling and experiencing is a real feeling.

My kids are older, but I've found talking about anger/ethics in general to be a better way of speaking that about their mom. My youngest (14) has asked "Why is Mom so mad" and we've talked about emotional dysregulation, but that's easier at an older age. My wife is diagnosed and open with our kids about her condition. I wish that made how she treated me / anything different, but I'm coming to terms (actively) that this may not be the case.

Both the mortgage and the deed are in each of our names; the plan I've had (in our separation route) is that she can live there for (12) months and that we would then address whether to sell it or I purchase equity from her and remain while she moves on. I presented that I would cover all utilities and we split mortgage 50/50 in the form of a promissory agreement to guide the eventual dissolution papers... why am I so familiar with them? I've filled them out to completion at her request three times. Each time we didn't notarize, I crossed my boundary and just said "okay yeah I'm the problem" to get us to work on it. This time I'm not doing that and the reverberations are felt and heard.

You're right about the kids - they'll be good. It just sucks because *all* of this was about abandonment. After we moved in, after I made 600 trips between dumpsters and locations, after bending over backwards to make the house a reality, I was still told: see how easily you can leave me? Your books aren't here!

Well, the books were here and it only took a single carload of things "that are mine" for "me to be out of the house." Everything I have is the family's. Everything I've worked towards/for has been for the family.

I'm definitely angry. And I'd welcome a sit-down with her therapist together to hear how devastating I've been. It'll only take one or two questions on every fact for the walls to crumble. So yeah, I'm being vindictive... I don't want that for her.

She's a mean one. She loves me so much that she's showing me more hate than I've ever felt. Might as well call that a Borderline pickup line.

It's depressing. I just need to be out of the house and have tranquility. As noted above; nothing begins until this fighting ends.

Hi there,

It sounds like you're in a pickle.  I imagine you want to help your mom regain some peace in her life.  But here's the thing.  You mention "triangulation," as well as getting "sucked in" again into a dysfunctional dynamic.  I take that to mean that your mom enables her son, correct?  That even though she's having a hard time living with him, she can't really ask him to leave?  That she can't bear to see him "thrown out on the streets?"  I imagine that's why your mom let her (adult) son live in the house in the first place, right?  And I'm guessing that ownership of the house passed to you, because you're the responsible one in the family.  Does that sound about right?

Look, if your mom really wanted her son to leave the house, my opinion is that she would have asked him to leave already.  As for initiating a formal eviction process, that's a standard process which happens all the time.  I presume that there would be a written notice and a waiting period.  Plus, if your sibling isn't paying any rent, and there's no rental agreement in place with him, then the case for eviction would be even stronger in my opinion.  I suspect that your mom, who is the one with the right to live in the house until death, should be allowed to occupy the home however she sees fit.  That should include getting rid of squatters who are a nuissance or freeloading.  She should ask him to leave, and follow whatever local eviction rules are required, if your sibling is that stubborn.

Now, of course she wants you to help, so that YOU are the bad cop.  But you know full well that will suck YOU into the dysfunctional dynamic.  By the way, I totally get how pwBPD will twist stories and make up lies about prior "deals" or "agreements" which were supposedly reached.  The entitlement always seems extreme with pwBPD, doesn't it?  And so my secondary advice is, never make a "deal" with a pwBPD that involves any up-front investment from YOU, and a future promise from the pwBPD, unless you are prepared for the pwBPD to break the promise.  In this scenario, that might look like you co-signing on an apartment for your sibling to live in.  Please don't do that, unless you're prepared to pay all the rent yourself.

Maybe you could act in an advisory capacity to your mom.  It seems to me that your sibling won't leave the maternal home because he's too comfortable.  I think you could advise your mom to make life way more uncomfortable for her son, to help him decide that living on his own is more desirable, and he might leave of his own accord.  You didn't mention too many details, but I'd suggest starting with removing luxuries for him like home WiFi/internet, phone payments, free food, free laundry and free chef/maid service.  Mom should absolutely stop giving him any spending money whatsoever.  She could change the WiFi/internet password and not tell him what it is.  She could lock the laundry room.  She could make him buy and prepare all his own food.  She could remove the door to his bedroom, as privacy is a privilege.  Or she could claim the bedroom for herself, and make him sleep on a couch.  She could clean out his closets and put his belongings in cardboard boxes and move them to the basement/garage/shed, where they need to stay until he leaves--she'd basically help him pack.  If he throws a hissy fit and makes threats, then she can call the cops.

Yet my guess is your mom won't do any of this, because your son is too difficult, and she's too much of an appeaser.  Maybe the "legal" route is the only viable one.  You could have your mom deliver him an eviction notice and then ask her to be prepared to enforce the eviction, should her son stays past the eviction date.  If she doesn't want to do that, then I think she's stuck with him.

I have recently gotten out of a one year relationship with my pwbpd. I am feeling rattled, crazy, so lost. I feel like none of it made sense and like I need clarity and that I want to apologize for my part in it. Have any of you ever written a letter to your expwbpd and if so, how did it go?

This sounds extremely difficult.  Do you have a therapist that you work with?  If so, does the therapist understand bpd?

This is rough!  I'm sorry.

I don't have all the answers, but I do believe that lawyers base their reasoning on a set of specific concerns that generally do not include bpd. think it would be rare for them to understand bpd or, even if they do, take it into consideration when advising you.  And I agree with you that triangulation is to be avoided if possible. 

We are remote and can't fully evaluate your knowledge of your children's circumstances.  But I'd like to share that your children having to move again would probably not be a disaster for them.  Millions of families move and life goes on.  Not simple nor easy, but it often happens.

A question for you... Is your apartment in the same school district?  Does your apartment have enough room for the boys to spend regular time with you, including overnights?  As much as you need space away from a problem soon-to-be ex (stbEx), they too will need time with you - their reasonably normal parent - and space from a disordered or problematic mother.  Your kids need you too, so stay an involved parent.

As for a legal issue, is the house in your name or jointly with your spouse?  Frankly, the house will need to be sold at some point since she is there and can't afford it herself.  Whatever else, don't feel compelled to sign the deed over to her if there is a mortgage in your name.  The last thing you need is to be paying a mortgage for decades on a house you no longer own.  This is why selling the house is so often a practical solution.  You could keep the house if only she would live elsewhere but getting her to agree to leaving would be hard to accomplish.  Which is why forcing a sale so often is what happens.

Your wife is not a bad person- she's sick.  That's the realization we all eventually come to 12 months, 18 months, 36 months later.  But there's a lot of gut-wrenching emotions before you get there; it's a process andthat's where you'll end up eventually as well. 

She does what she does because she's sick and unstable.  It's heartbreaking for everyone involved and there's no winners or losers.  Everyone loses in divorce.  I hope something changes and the relationship can be saved.  The odds are against that, but still, I always root for the happy ending for the kids sakes.  You absolutely have to put yourself first though and the kids will adjust as you adjust.

Your wife can still come around and make real efforts, but you'll have to let this play out.  Try not to lash out in retaliation, try to show compassion whenever possible.  Trust me, it helps regardless of the path forward.  I divorced without lawyers and remained in our home until it sold.  That's super uncommon, but it is possible if you can find a way to communicate on the other side of all the disordered stuff.  Again, it takes time and it's a process.

Just remember what I've kept repeating- she's sick and the mental hammer is unforgiving.  I feel for her just like I feel for my ex.  I'm glad you're making more permanent arrangements though and taking control.  It seems like you're walking away, but that's not entirely true.  In reality, you're trying to end the conflict and that's where restoration can start.  It also happens to be the first step in divorce as well.

Hang in there, I know it's unbearable but time is on your side.

Another 12 or so days and here we are. Things are... just as volatile as before. I'm also oscillating between a deep desire to repair and an acceptance that the boundary I've placed for myself is a hard conditional parameter: I will not be the one to make the first effort to repair this. That's been my cycle. Three times before this, that's been my cycle. And I'm met with a month or two of tranquility in the honeymoon phase before we're topsy turvy again.

I've had time to observe a few things:
1. My nerves are so, so frayed. From years of this.
2. The more time I spend apart, the more my soul feels like it's flickering back to life... even tho it's very sad.
3. Push/Pull and Black/White ideology is on full display. I hate you, don't leave me: my god, it's really that!
4. The anger / lashing out... how did I put up with this so long? Today during a spiral (I engaged) I picked up the phone and called her. I've told her "I will not text, I will talk." It stops her cycle of texting. She tells me to block her; she wants me to block her. I won't. Just don't lash out. I'm told, "you have to remember I have borderline, I'm going to push you away before you have a chance to do that to me!" I just responded "don't you see where that places me?
5. I'm a narcissist. Her DBT therapist could show me all the ways I've destroyed her, absolutely. My therapy group is where I go to hide and lie about who I am, and trash her and her name and her existence.
6. I'm emotionless. I laugh and smile everywhere in my life save around her; I've become so small. So, she's right: she sees so little emotion from me because that's how I've tried to protect my spirit.

I found an apartment. I'm going to move in a day or two. My oldest son asked me last night, "How do you feel, having to get an apartment when you just bought this house?" I was honest with him. "Sad. Unhappy. My ego is hurt. But that's what therapy is for." He nodded. He's a good kid, turns 18 soon.

Last week I wrote up an agreement that would guide our separation towards divorce. It outlined my intentions for house, for bill splitting, and for elements of property split that have to be discussed. She was furious: "you side swiped me!" "I'm not signing this garbage!" "I'm getting a mediator!" Because mediators love handling contested divorces... The first mediator told her that what we're trying to do (divorce without selling the house right now, etc) doesn't happen.

She can't afford the house on her own. I can afford it on my own. I'm going to let them live there for the next 12 months, or until divorce forces this forward. It's my son's senior year, we just moved in... the last thing he needs is to uproot. My other son's freshman year. Ethically, I can't do that to them.

And then the cats. She hates the cats. She calls me a narcissist because I'll apologize for a hairball but not "for breaking her heart, repeatedly." Yet every apology I make is forgotten almost immediately. "Get rid of these cats!" She wanted the cats. Then she didn't. Because the cats don't cater to a human's desires.

So I found a place for myself and the cats. It's in the school district where our oldest goes. I'm near the house but far enough away. After our argument this morning I was told to sleep at the office again. I decided this would be the last time she has that power over me. I went home and packed up all my clothes. All of my things that I'd be taking with me. I packed them up and put them in my car, and now they're stored at my studio until I move in to my new place.

I need peace. I'm tired. I can't be the one to fix this; I need to hear: "I ________ed up, I blew this out of proportion, I did a lot of this wrong, I don't want a divorce."

But what I hear is a vague hint of "I did these things wrong to you" and I'm supposed to infer that she's secretly wanting me to tell her I won't leave.

Sorry, borderline. You don't get to be an excuse this time. The ship is leaving port. There are consequences to words and actions. I'm not black and white. I'm just trying to find that "wise mind" equilibrium.

Somewhere over the horizon I'll just be another story of "the worst," "the most narcissistic" and "an absolute waste of her life." Just like all the others ones were.

I don't leave a trail of bodies behind me. And my support group isn't even mad at her; they're just focused on how I'm doing. Moving to a restorative place.

Thank you all so much for being a sounding board. I have a lot of weeks left of therapy, of thinking, and of trying to figure out where all the holes in my body and brain are.