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 81 
 on: June 29, 2026, 01:16:20 PM  
Started by Biscuits - Last post by Biscuits
Just some ideas on this dynamic. While it seems your boyfriend is not respecting your wish to not discuss his interest in his person at work, consider why this feels hurtful to you. It feels hurtful because you have strong feelings for him. This is normal, it's human nature- and when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate them- it feels hurtful.

He has feelings too- for someone else. We can't control anyone else's feelings. His feelings matter to him, just like yours matter to you. What you feel as disrespect, he feels as you wanting more from him than he is able to give you at this time. While what he said about needing you to be an "easier" girlfriend felt disrespectful, but it's also what he feels he needs.

When we are discounting our own needs, in order to meet someone else's, we can feel hurt, anxious, resentful. These are normal,



I liked what you said here and I didnt think of it that way.. i guess I just feel weird because he keeps swearing hes obsessed with me not that I want that either but he keeps  saying alot of things that say im the only one ansd actions are much different.  If I try and just talk that out just to be honest and tell him my feels im suddenly the worst girlfriend and a bad person and he even devalues me by brining up how many more men i slept with then Him, he some how twists my feelings into somthing that they arnt and tells me they arnt right or its unfair of me to have them. I think that may be a trauma with me . I dont like being told one thing and seeing another. I will take his feelings for her in consideration maybe set him free even though he says thats not what he wants , but i think you may be right there, that im not what he needs because im asking too much then hes willing to provide ATM. I never wanted to hurt him ever or make him feel like he is trapped ...but maybe thats what im doing . Im turning a alittle numb to the situation to be honest.


Does that happen with anyone else? Does anyone else just feel numb after fights with your bpd person ? 

 82 
 on: June 29, 2026, 12:42:11 PM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Under The Bridge
her concern that she would die before me, and make me promise I wouldn't see anyone else after she died.

I can understand a non-BPD saying that, meant as an expression of their love and obviously not said with serious intent.. but when a BPD says it, it takes on a truly darker aspect because they really mean it.

Pretty scary that even after they had died, they still want the control over their partner. Imagine being haunted by a vengeful BPD spirit who could appear whenever they liked.  Another possible movie script there..

My exBPD never discussed anything like this but then she actually never discussed much of anything. She is still the one g/f I knew the least about and who asked the least about me.. maybe that was part of the attraction for me; the simplicity of seeing her.

 83 
 on: June 29, 2026, 12:08:52 PM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by PeteWitsend
...
Plus whenever I saw the 'crew expendable' message I instantly thought 'partner expendable' Smiling (click to insert in post)

In my relationship, I noticed a bizarre focus on death.  I haven't seen anyone else mention anything like that here, although I've read about threats of suicide, and violence (the latter, more from male BPDers).  I'm curious if anyone else had conversations about death with their BPD partners? 

It really creeped me out, even though I wasn't afraid of BPDxw physically, or intimidated by her in that regard. 

She would occasionally bring up - seemingly out of nowhere each time - her concern that she would die before me, and make me promise I wouldn't see anyone else after she died.  I remember thinking "Where TF did THAT come from?"  Besides, I'm almost a half-dozen years older than her, and men don't live as long as women to begin with, right? 

She once shared a "joke" video with me, where a wife tells a husband she wants a divorce, and he smiles and immediately signs over all his property to her.  Then as he's walking away, she says she's still upset to think that another woman will get him, because he's such a wonderful man, and he says something like "oh, of course," pulls out a gun, and shoots himself in the head.  She thought this was hilarious, but I was thinking "I get the humor, but man, is that bleak," and the fact that she thought it was so funny was unnerving. 

It was just a joke, true, but seemed revealing to me.  I suppose it hammered home that I was just a means to an end for her.

Thinking long term, the words "Do NOT grow old with her" repeated in my head.  and I also couldn't imagine taking care of my elderly parents someday, with her disapproving glare, and "just let them die" kinda attitude. 

 84 
 on: June 29, 2026, 12:07:55 PM  
Started by Snoopy737 - Last post by Snoopy737
Thanks @Notwendy, I really appreciate your answers. I read them multiple times, because I had to think a bit about them.

Actually, I don't know either if it's connected to BPD, you made me see that maybe it's just normal thoughts for her and other women, when their husbands pass.

Like in your examples, I recognise that she changes her mind all the time, so like when you offered to rent a truck to clean all the stuff your mother wanted help to remove, and then didn't wan't it, I guess my only lesson can be that she's in doubt, and - maybe  - I really have to wait for her to say that she wan't it done a certain date, bc then I will do it. But I can also hear, that I shouldn't begin the process every time she expresses her frustration about the carpet, the garden, the ...

When we had snow in january, my mother complained again, because her local and late maintenance guy didn't offer snowblowing any more. I contacted a guy I know on mom's street and asked if his kids would like to remove the snow for a fair amount of money. His 14yo daugther would, and soon I connected his daughter with my mom, and the daughter removed snow almost every second day, and I chose to pay her myself, because I could imagine that my mother could make a problem out of it, because the job took half an hour one day and an hour the next day.

Even though I kept the contact with tha daughter and she did the job fine, and I paid her, and my mom could actually forget everything about snowblowing, because I had solved the problem, so mom was covered just as fine as when she had her maintenance guy doing it.

But even though, my mother kept looking for the daughter every day, and kept control with her work, by looking out the window. And not in a pleasent way, by kind of to see if the daughter didn't do the job well enough.

To me it was kind of a reminder from my childhood where me and my sister always was controlled in the same way, like we were going to cheat and not do the job, and we always finished our jobs.  My mom and dad said they never were perfectionists, but at the same time they always controlled our jobs down to the smallest detail, like I now saw with the 14 girl removing moms snow.

And that made me understand, why I actually have become a perfectionist. It's not because I want everything perfect and that nothing is good enough, it's a method to avoid the critisism from my mom or dad after a job. If I did it really well, I thought I could avoid the critisism. And now as an adult, I'm spending hours on little details in every job I do, because it still lives inside me: that I will get critisism if the job hasn't been done better that perfect. And that's sad actually. Because I was a lot of hours fixing small details that noone would ever see or miss.

But actually your examples and reply has now helped me see that. That it's just one of my mothers 'it can never be good enough' cases and I can shrug it off, and I can defend the poor 14 yo daughter, who's now mowing my moms lawn and mom still give me comments about how the lawn was mown.

I guess I'll never get why dad (who has past) and mom always made such a big problem out of nothing, because if me and my sister didn't a job well enough, my parents could just have told us in a nice way and showed us. Instead it was always a game of "catching us" if the job wasn't done up to my parents standard.

I can shrug it off my shoulders now, so thank you @notwendy   All best Snoopy

 85 
 on: June 29, 2026, 11:53:43 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by PeteWitsend
Has anyone seen this, and also saw their ex as the main character? Multiple times I just shook my head. That's my ex...she's acted that way. Said those things. The tone. Great movie but scary for our reasons.

I just looked up the plot online.  In a way, showing the way "complete love" or whatever he wishes for, actually manifests itself in extreme social dysfunction and brutal violence like that is brilliant.  But yeah, I don't need to watch it.  Sounds terrifying!

 86 
 on: June 29, 2026, 11:49:59 AM  
Started by not2old2change - Last post by PeteWitsend
I do not actually feel better right now. I am scared. This could get really really bad. I know what I need to do, but getting there safely is going to be a challenge.

My attitudes and patterns have changed the past few months as I started to figure things out. It is hard to say if she has noticed. One thing that was a change is that I started to allow myself to show anger when she interrupted me. She has been doing this for many years, and I have tried talking to her about it. But when I started to get angry about it the behavior changed. She interrupts me a whole lot less now. But it seems to be a subconscious response, and she has not said anything about it.

I know that my anger (or any anger) is tough for her to handle. It is unfortunate, but the few times I have gotten really angry at her are the times that there have been changes. But I do not want her to be different because of fear.

But for the most part I do try to play the game.I keep doing all the things I have always done to keep things calm. Sometimes I dislike that I am doing it, but my therapist reminded me that I am doing it to keep myself emotionally safe.

There are some books on this site about ways to do the split. I really need to get and read one of those to help me find a safe way to extract myself.

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

I experienced something kinda similar, in that when I would lose my temper I noticed BPDxw would calm down. 

I would immediately regret the loss of self-control, and think to myself that I had "sunk to her level."  Perhaps that's why she would calm down?  She felt a measure of control in that she had provoked an expected response from me?  Paradoxically, when I'd stay calm, she'd get more unhinged. 

I expected her to use my anger against me, like "How dare you talk to me like that!" kinda stuff, but no, she would just calm down.

It seemed like she grew up around that sort of behavior; her parents were always attacking eachother, cutting eachother down, and her mom would get very hysterical.  There was apparently physical abuse as well, although she claimed it was only one occasion.  I doubt it given that her dad had a drinking problem for a long time, and there was by her own account mutual infidelity throughout their marriage.  Maybe that's the only sort of communication she understood? 

A guy who knew both of us told me after we were divorced that she expected me to hit her.  That was a line I never crossed, and would not cross, but as sick as it is to say, I think there was something to that as well.  Some people who grew up with violence and extreme emotional conditions might get accustomed to them and find comfort in them.

Anyways, don't let fear of what could happen deter you from what you feel you need to do.  Prepare for it, but don't let it control you. 

It's your life, you only get one of them, and if you don't want to spend the rest of it with a disordered spouse, it's your right to say so, and do so.  You don't need another reason, and you don't need to justify it to anyone.

All of us here who endured these miserable relationships have earned that right, and in my opinion are beyond judgment of anyone else, whether they're deciding to divorce a BPD-spouse, or go no-contact with a BPD family member. 

 87 
 on: June 29, 2026, 09:20:00 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by ForeverDad
I see a risk here that you feel you "can't pass by indifferently".  We can see that you're not an indifferent person, you have empathy and do try to help.  But there is a risk mixing an emotional relationship with a professional one.

Of course, members here are posting as peer support and not in any professional capacity.  I myself am not trained either as a mental health expert nor a family law attorney, so I'm an outsider, so to speak, looking in.  This is an observation of which I've become aware and have repeated here.

Here's a few reasons why, despite your close relationship, you've been unable to improve things.  First, society hasn't provided you with Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) tools and skills to deal with BPD.  Fortunately, we have a variety of topics you can browse.  Take advantage of our hard-won experience.

Second, there is probably too much emotional baggage of the relationship for your spouse to really truly listen to you.  That's not your fault, it's the nature of the disorder.

That's why focused therapy from a person which has no emotional connection has a better track record.
  (Counseling is great for everyone!)  Still there is no guarantee of an improvement.  Many persons with BPD traits (pwBPD) have intense levels of Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.

Here's a related observation I made recently after reading one of the books listed on our Book Club board.

Here is a prior post years ago which explains why I wrote that those of us parents and family members can't make much progress with those pwBPD close to us - the baggage of the relationships is quite a hurdle to overcome - but others trained and emotionally neutral sometimes can.

Can you help her?  Probably not, and you would be putting yourself at great risk.  The best person to help her would be a professional of some sort who allows no emotional attachment to blur the therapy and counsel the person should apply in his life.  This reminds me of a post I made recently.  This woman, after years of therapy, did recover from BPD but she emphasized her therapist always maintained a professional separation, no emotional strings.  If you tried to do that you could fail, your emotional ties would be used to sabotage you.

Have you read Get Me Out of Here — My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland?  It's a paperback account by someone recovered from BPD.  It was exceedingly tough for her, but it turned out well for her and her family.

What helped so much was that her therapist drew a strong line/boundary concerning their interactions.  Her therapist remained absolutely neutral emotionally, not even touching.  (That's why you bear so much of the brunt of her behaviors, because your spouse can't get past the past emotional baggage of the years of close relationship with you to really listen to you.)

That book ended on a high note.  Only when her therapy was completed, she got to hug her therapist for the very first and only time.

 88 
 on: June 29, 2026, 08:57:58 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Me88
Well, apparently I didn't just land on some landmark idea. Googling the movie's relation to BPD is everywhere haha the mood swings, anger, fear of abandonment Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) even people with BPD were saying they could relate. I was telling my parents I went through stuff like that and they were just blown away haha

 89 
 on: June 29, 2026, 08:11:15 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Kuroko
Welcome and sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment, rest assured that we know exactly how you're feeling as we've all experienced the same thing.

The fact that you mention you're still single is enough to keep her interested - though not necessarily for the reasons you want ie missing you and realising she's made a mistake and wants to reconnect. BPD's fear being alone and always want someone 'available' as an option if all else fails, or if their current partner is out of favour at the moment. Just because they try to get your attention does not mean they've 'saw the light' and know what they want. Sadly, they will play people - and their emotions - to get what they need at the moment.

Regarding her 'taking the first step', that's highly unlikely as, even though she may have caused the break-up, she will never admit it directly. She will aways be 'the victim'.

Yes, she may make you aware she's still there, such as checking your internet posts, casual texts, etc but don't hold your breath expecting a solid 'I was wrong, can we talk?' message.  My exBPD would never apologise or initiate actual contact but she would come into the pub where she knew I'd be and expect that to be her sign of apology. I - the innocent one - still had to go to her and make all the effort to get talking again and, idiot that I was then, I always did it.

As others have said, without her seeking professional help and being determined to see it through this will be the utterly draining and chaotic cycle you'll always get.

A year ago it looked very similar. She accused me of something absolutely monstrous, broke up, tried to "transfer feelings" to someone else. After some time, a fake account appeared, she started writing from it to explore the ground. When she knew I would take her back, she came back. The current situation seems similar, although now he officially has a partner and it's been almost 5 months. I think if by some miracle she tries to come back, I would be able to persuade her to therapy schemes. It's probably the biggest trap, but I feel sorry for her. As a psychologist, I can't pass by indifferently...


 90 
 on: June 29, 2026, 07:53:42 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Under The Bridge
Welcome and sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment, rest assured that we know exactly how you're feeling as we've all experienced the same thing.

I think I mentioned on one of the streams that I'm single, but that's it. I think that even if she wants to come back, she has to take the first step.

The fact that you mention you're still single is enough to keep her interested - though not necessarily for the reasons you want ie missing you and realising she's made a mistake and wants to reconnect. BPD's fear being alone and always want someone 'available' as an option if all else fails, or if their current partner is out of favour at the moment. Just because they try to get your attention does not mean they've 'saw the light' and know what they want. Sadly, they will play people - and their emotions - to get what they need at the moment.

Regarding her 'taking the first step', that's highly unlikely as, even though she may have caused the break-up, she will never admit it directly. She will aways be 'the victim'.

Yes, she may make you aware she's still there, such as checking your internet posts, casual texts, etc but don't hold your breath expecting a solid 'I was wrong, can we talk?' message.  My exBPD would never apologise or initiate actual contact but she would come into the pub where she knew I'd be and expect that to be her sign of apology. I - the innocent one - still had to go to her and make all the effort to get talking again and, idiot that I was then, I always did it.

As others have said, without her seeking professional help and being determined to see it through this will be the utterly draining and chaotic cycle you'll always get.

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