Yes, it all makes sense.  She did call me this morning in a panic state, and I broke my rule and answered the phone on the first call.  It did not go well and she started freaking out on me.  Then she called me back and told me she had to "cancel everything" because she couldn't make it to her first day of her IOP.  I asked her if that meant she wasn't going to do the program and she got very angry, said, "EXCUSE ME? Whatever." And hung up on me.  She has since texted me to clarify that she is simply delaying it by a day, but "cancel everything" didn't sound like delaying her start date by a day.  I have been assaulted by her words and accusations for so long that I truly have PTSD from all the emergency phone calls, where I somehow end up the bad guy.

The IOP was definitely her choice and for now her boyfriend is supporting her for the most part.  We will see what happens.

What makes this extra difficult for me is that I grew up with a BPD sister and possibly a BPD mother (definitely narcissistic, but possibly BPD also), and so I've been receiving the messaging that I'm to blame from both sides (family of origin and daughter).  I eventually chose to walk away from the mom/sister double-whammy in my 40's, but I won't walk away from my daughter.  So I have to get strong with my messaging of and about myself.  I've mostly done this, but my daughter can definitely trigger some old, deep wounds.

And thank you for the incredibly thoughtful response.  I am going to digest all of this for a bit. 

It certainly does get easier over time, because the patterns become much clearer.  She yelled at you because she's sick.  So what?  Let her yell as you say goodbye and wish her a great day.

I would literally "kill my ex with kindness" and I think that bothered her more than anything.  Several times she asked why I wasn't fighting back and I simply said, "Because I love you and there's no reason to argue."  It rocked her entire reality- why is this hateful, abusive man so nice to me all the time?  Huh, maybe he's not an abusive, hateful man after all.

It will continue to get easier as the FOG fades.  You should be proud of yourself because you've been doing great.

I think it's less than we expect; BPDers look for 3rd parties to get involved online and triangulate with, and the people who comment here are pretty even-keeled and don't post into a lot of righteous "OH MY GOD YOU POOR THING, LEAVE THAT EVIL MONSTER" kinda things that feed drama, or throws fuel on a fire, to use another metaphor.  I have wondered about some posters from time to time, but they tend to wander away when they don't get those dopamine hits from additional drama here.

I have posted on other sites related to marital/relationship advice, and they're often cesspools of judgement and drama.  Sometimes you can get some advice there, but a lot of times, it just adds to your issues when other people try to pick fights with you because they have their own axe to grind.
 

Still, it's good to keep a lot of information that could be used to identify yourself out of posts.  No need to post your actual location, names, ages, or other personally identifiable information.  In fact, I think it's best to make up background information to the extent it's not needed for others to provide advice. 

So for example, if you live in Delaware, say you live in Maryland or something.  And so on. 

Hi BigMac,

This sort of thing is easy for me, but then again, maybe I've had the benefit of practice.  At first it might seem really hard, especially if your pwBPD seems to purposly be grumpy, testy, avoidant, argumentative or generally unhelpful.  That's when you might have to double down and really hunt for something positive to point out.  But it can be done, trust me.

Instead of starting with compliments about a person's essence, maybe focus on what they are doing.  One technique is to say Thanks for X, followed by something like, You're a wonderful spouse.  An example might be, Thanks for the coffee, I'm so lucky to have a husband who shows he cares.  The key is to mean it.  I say this sort of thing multiple times a day, for the simplest things:

Honey, thanks for taking out the garbage.  I appreciate that you manage the house so well.
Honey, thanks for fixing that squeaky hinge.  I'm lucky to have a husband who fixes things.
Darling, thanks for offering to get provisions at the store.  We don't need anything right now, but I appreciate that you asked / You're considerate / You're helpful.
Husband, thanks for changing the batteries in the remote.  You're great at noticing what needs to be done and taking care of it.
Dear, this grilled chicken is excellent.  I'm so lucky to have a Grill Master for a husband.
Your haircut looks great!  I'm lucky to have a husband who is well-groomed / handsome / who takes care of himself.
Thanks for the hug, you're so affectionate.
Thanks for making the bed nicely, I'm lucky to have such a considerate husband.

Anyway, I tend to focus on good deeds, no matter how small, and then tie that to personality traits to compliment--handiness, providing, attentiveness, skill, care, consideration, etc.  As a bonus, this approach increases the likelihood that the praised deeds are repeated.

Just my two cents.

HoooOOOooowee nothing like a Thursday morning spiral to remind me I'm in the right direction! Along with it come observations:

(a) I am not engaging with the rage bate or responding to accusations.
(b) My nerves recovered much more quickly this time, and I stayed emotionally grounded.
(c) My desire to argue the logic of statements and/or accusations has left... there's just no arguing with her version of the world.

Recovered. Didn't engage. Moved forward.

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

Off to a phone call with my mediator. I'm not revealing anything to her about my wife's condition as it's irrelevant to mediation. That's a next step, can't-get-mediation-to-work reveal. We'll see.

Have a good day, all.

Hi again,

I think it would be unwise to dump your feelings of guilt and justification for estrangement onto your niece.  I know that might sound harsh, but that's how I think your niece would take it.  Why?  Because right now you two don't have much of a relationship.  Reaching out with a long, complicated, emotionally-charged missive is just way too much.  Plus, it might get back to her mom.

My guess is that since you haven't been in your niece's life much at all, she probably doesn't think about you very often.  She's probably thinking about school and upcoming parties.  Getting a long message from you, out of the blue, tinged with feelings of guilt, would not only seem out of place, but also unwelcome in my opinion.  You two aren't in a place yet to exchange deep feelings, regrets and remorse.  I think you just want to open the door for a relationship, without being intrusive.  Save any guilt or apologies for later, ideally in person, only if SHE asks about you.  In fact, if that happens, I would advise to focus on the future, rather than any negativity from the past.  I'd say, keep things very light, very short, and focussed on HER, not you.  Like, Happy Birthday!  Or Wishing you the best at school!  She probably has heard how horrible you are, but at the same time, she might realize her mom is an extremely angry and jealous person, and her dad has always been weird about family.  Therefore it might take some time to rebuild trust and show her you aren't evil.  But if you overwhelm her with your feelings and justification about how you were forced to cut off contact with her family because of how they treated you, my guess is that it would backfire, because she's only heard her parents' version of events.  In fact, my guess is that she'd take your guilt as "proof" that you're psycho.  She doesn't want to deal with that anyway.  My guess is she just wants to have fun with her friends.

My sense is that you are wracked with guilt and longing for family relationships.  That's understandable!  But I'd say, don't mix your intense feelings and needs with those of the kids.  They are kids.  They don't want to hear, let alone deal with, other adults' emotions, rivalries, tales, past traumas, etc.  They aren't really interested in you at all.  I think the focus should be on them.  Let her come to you.

Just my two cents.

That's right.  Family!  We'll get through this together.

It sounds like you have dealt with so much, and are continuing to deal with and carry so much. Sending care and strength.

Something i have found is that feelings of exhaustion and depletion creep up when there is a lull in other pressures in your life. It's like your bodymind knows how to stave off the crisis until there is space for it. Getting physically ill can also happen at the same time, or feelings and traumas from other incidents (like your childhood ptsd).

One strategy that i have tried is to remind myself that these feelings aren't a sign of failure, but that things are getting directionally better as you say and you now have time to process what was previously put off.

Sending care xx

Things I read, or which were said, over time after discard which have become more and more obviously true over time, and might be helpful to others:

1. The relationship, or rather, interaction (a relationship requires genuine participation in both directions) was not special, but rather deeply repetitive and un-unique. It was part of a toxic cycle the BPD person began well before you appeared, and it will continue well after you are gone.

2. The red flags were there from the beginning. At a certain point, asking why you overlooked them will be more helpful than relitigating the BPD's toxic and unreasonable behaviour.

3. You were not loved, you were flattered and mirrored.

4. The positive qualities the BPD latched onto are real and still with you. They are incapable of love, but they can illuminate for you what you consider loveable in yourself.

5. You will never get answers from a disordered person. And if you did, they would be meaningless.

6. Go and be yourself and hold onto your integrity! It's all you have.

I’m so sorry. That’s a rough position to be in.

Why didn’t they give us a manual for this in SexEd? Hah!

Tonight I packed away pictures and memories. I don’t want to destroy them yet but I don’t want them in my apartment. I read a lot of cards. I think she meant what she wrote. She was earnest in those moments. But the moments clouded and the emotions rolled in.

I’ll be happy when this is behind me. And when it is, I’m going to be here whenever I can to help others who are seeking.

Thank you all so much for absorbing my pain while you can, how you can. I come here instead of Instagram (off of it) and this is my anti-drug.

Family.