Thank you, both!  The holidays make me especially emotional and I am tearing up, a bit reading this!  I am happy, in regards to my other daughter, who is so kind, my best friend, who shares her family with me (there is alot to be said for that) and my beautiful granddaughters; I make myself active and am involved with many animal shelters and church; you all hang in there, also

Money is power too. Seeing the concept of "power dynamic" reminded me about how my BPD mother controlled people with money. How she spent money was emotionally driven.  Accepting any money from her had strings attached.

She prefered relationships with people who had less income than her- and this kept the power dynamic in her favor. Speaking to some of them, they assumed she was wealthy.

However, there was a disconnect between her emotional spending and the logic of numbers and the actual money she had, and her emotional spending eventually led to her being in financial difficulty. 

Observe how he relates to money and others. Taking you out for a nice dinner- that's a nice date- but using money to control and influence is different.

Hi AngelofItaly,

Iam currently also estranged from my udd. We have had episodes of LC and NC over many years and udd would then return and  act as if it never happened so nothing could ever be resolved. Like So Confused has said I also replayed every little detail over and over in mind driving myself crazy until I couldnt sleep or focus even on everyday tasks.

Eventually I saw a pattern and realised that my udd often used LC/NC as a form of punishment, manipulation or when she felt some form of discomfort or emotional shame and that she would make contact again when she felt that the time was right for her to make contact again which was usually because she needed something from me like babysitting. Often my calls were blocked or went to VoiceMail during LC or NC.

Taking all the blame doesnt help. All it does is breakdown your character and give you anxiety so please take this time and space to look after your after your own mental health.
 

Good to see you've now found happiness.

Time is indeed a great healer; it lets you see things more objectively and dulls the rose-coloured glasses we all look through when the final breakup happens.  We see 'the whole picture' as if from a distannce and we end up thinking 'How the hell could I have put up with that for so long??'.  A BPD relationship is probably the most intense relationship we'll ever go through so impossible to just forget quickly and move on with life.. ironically, only the BPD person seems able to do that!

It is truly wonderful to be in a relationship where you're not constantly on guard about everything and wondering when the next blow-up happens. Long may your happy marriage continue.

People with BPD have a higher risk (susceptibility) of developing PTSD and therefore there is an statistical overlap with many patients having both disorders (my wife included). However:


Roughly 15-20% of Vietnam veterans experienced PTSD, with a lifetime prevalence around 18% according to major studies like NVVRS. Overall, that wasn't because of BPD at it did it make them develop BPD. Because BPD is a more complex disorder with origins in childhood and is also harder to treat.

Well, to be fair, among the veterans with PTSD, a fraction of them (8,7%) actually developed BPD. But, there are studies indicating that they already had BPD features (traits) previously. It is understandable that 18% x 8,7 = 1,5% of the veterans would already have subclinical BPD and then progress to develop clinical BPD after suffering from war traumas.

Yet complex-PTSD (CPTSD, as described by Pete Walker), on the other hand, relates better with BPD, since it also comes from childhood reoccurring traumatic memories.

Having that said, studies with Psychedelics on BPD patients must be designed and carried out very carefully. As by today, December 2025, the most clearly “in-progress / registered” work I can point to are:

1) NCT05399498, an interventional study testing psilocybin in people with co-occurring major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder, explicitly looking at symptom change in both conditions.
2) NCT06683014, an interventional study testing MDMA’s effects on social cognition in adults with borderline personality disorder.
3) ACTRN12624000871549 (ANZCTR), a registered trial combining BPD-specific psychotherapy with MDMA in a public mental health setting.

Major psychedelic centers (for example the Parsons Center at Mount Sinai) now list MDMA-assisted therapy for BPD among their research lines, although details are still emerging and these are small, early-phase investigations (link).

There are also peer-reviewed discussions and case literature arguing for, and exploring, BPD-targeted psychedelic approaches (including LSD and MDMA frameworks), but those do not serve as a demonstration of efficacy. See more here.

Perhaps a safer approach is Ketamine. One interesting case is about a BPD patient who was at the most extreme situation but finally begun to respond to treatment after Ketamine infusions: Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder with Ketamine - Dr Helena Rogg

Ketamine is not actually a psychedelic, but the patient does loose contact with reality during the infusion. Ketamine is classified as a "dissociative anesthetic that has psychedelic properties". This is an already approved drug to treat persistent depression, not yet BPD. It works through the promotion of neuroplasticity, very similarly to Ayahuasca from Amazon forest, but without the associated risk of permanent psychosis. It helps by creating new pathways in the brain that enable the patient to break through the persistent recurring negative thoughts that sustained a depressive mood.

By the way, Ayahuasca is not recommended for BPD patients. My wife actually developed mild visual and auditory hallucinations after experimenting it in low dosage (around 20 ml). She only recovered from it one year later, after taking high dosage of B1 vitamin, which has neuroprotective effects (it was Benfotiamine, a high absorption form). Overall, it is too risky to experiment with Psychodelics with BPD patients, especially in a unsupervised way, because they can cause persistent hallucinations and psychosis due to brain damage.

My personal opinion is that the abnormal functionality seen in BPD, as well as the brain damage that is frequently seen in image exams, is related to low levels of essential nutrients during the first years of brain formation (e.g.: inside the womb and the first two years of life). That's why nutrients such as high quality Omega-3 TG are so helpful for BPD patients. And therefore, igniting the brain with a drug that has psychedelic features is a recipe for more brain damage. Perhaps replenishing with those nutrients for a few years would allow the brain to get stronger. But the challenge is to know the exact nutrients that are lacking. There are advanced intracellular exams for that purpose, but they are not designed to test brain cells.

At 35,000 felt, you are chasing, and he is feeling pretty entitled and testing (consciously or subconsciously) your boundaries.

In a relationship with a person with BPD traits, you have to be strong. Part of that is zero tolerance for doormat treatment.

When someone says "you can always leave", hit the pause button and wait for him to comeback knocking. Be strong. Stand up for yourself. Keep the "power dynamic" in check.

Yeah, I totally understand the need for a break.  Though I've never been the direct target of my stepdaughter's BPD rage, her dad has been, and I've seen first hand how horrible that is.  We have gone through YEARS of rage cycles, punctuated by periods of estrangement/no contact/very low contact.  Though the LC/NC periods are relatively tranquil, it's impossible not to worry and despair sometimes, especially during the holidays, when stress ramps up and expectations run high.

Look, my BPD stepdaughter has said the most horrible things to her dad.  Though he's not perfect, I think he has gone above and beyond to support her, from paying years of extra college tuition (she dropped out several times), paying her rent and all her expenses, moving her in and out of successive apartments, letting her live with us rent- and chore-free, arranging and paying for extensive therapy programs, numerous rescues halfway across the country, several trips to hospitals, etc., along with countless hours of supportive talking, texting and validating.  He delayed retirement for years as a result of the hundreds of thousands of dollars of extra expense to get her the help she needed.  And yet through all this, she'll still rage at him and cut him off.  I know she doesn't really mean any of it, and she has admitted as much.  She credits her dad with saving her life.  But when she's dysregulated, she can't help but play the victim and blame the very person who loves and supports her the most.  It's torture for both of them sometimes.

The pattern seems to be that my BPD stepdaughter will reach out when she needs help, which is often.  I know she doesn't like to ask for help, but the years lost to BPD episodes mean that she's a bit behind her peers in terms of autonomy.  She's still needy like a teenager (though she has definitely been stepping up her game in the last six months).  The requests for help feel very transactional and sometimes manipulative.  I think that entire situation is triggering for her, because she's not satisfied with her life on the one hand, and she resents being dependent on her dad and me on the other hand.  You see, her expectations of others and life in general are sky high, which sets her up for constant disappointments.  She wants a glitzy lifestyle but isn't willing to work consistently to get it.  She wants romance but "isn't attracted to anyone."  She wants the freedom of adulthood without responsibilities.  She wants gratification without delay.  I bet she feels like a failure most of the time.  So when she has to ask for money or other help, she's triggered and prone to outbursts.  Since she's gotten therapy, I think she's showing more patience and self-control.  Yet the rage is still there and comes out from time to time.  That's my longwinded way of saying, I don't think you're at fault, no matter what your daughter says.  She's projecting her frustrations onto you, because you're the only person in the world who is willing to share in her pain sometimes.  I think she's not mad at you; I think she's mad at herself but deflecting that as anger towards you, because to admit to herself any weakness is just too painful.  Sure, maybe she's high functioning, and that's wonderful, it really is.  It's just that the stress of attaining that level of functionality is overwhelming to her sometimes, and she struggles mightily.

I think you both need a break!

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear your daughter has estranged herself.
I wanted to respond to your angst that you may have caused this.

We are not perfect parents. It's impossible to be. I know moms want to blame ourselves or think, if I just said the right word or didn't say that, or answered that call or didn't text that, the blow-up would not have happened.

For a long time, I've thought that and tried to plan out every conversation. Replay every phone call. And generally blamed myself for the things they said.

That's a normal mom reaction, but it's probably inaccurate. We love our kids, and we do the best we can. Their reactions tend to be disproportionate to what's happened, and we can't control that. If we acted poorly, we apologize. In most circumstances, a repair would happen, and we move on. But not with our loved ones. They hold onto grudges and react with big emotions.

A mantra I'm trying to follow - A poor reaction doesn't mean what I did or said was wrong. It means they became dysregulated, and instead of owning that, they point blame at their main person, which is usually mom.

Moms already take the brunt of this - and sometimes we do make mistakes, but we also take on blame that is not ours. Hang in there.

Hi,
I can see why you are worn out. This is a lot to take on and also to grieve. I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I was struck by the safety concerns. If she is physical with you, I think that should be a call to police every time. If she threatens to kill you, I think that should also be a call. I know they may not do anything, but maybe having it on record, you could get her to be committed to a hospital stay if it keeps progressing.

I know they say a lot of things in the moment, but I worry for you in that way.

And yes, CC43, the hospital is 100% about control. Will Mom come or not?
Whenever I've started to drive there in the past, she'll always send me home after I'm halfway or adds conditions - like, I'll only go to a specific hospital, I'll go after 10 pm, I'll go, but you need to stay in the car, etc.

I'm hanging in, but I'm also fried, and I know that means I need a break.