Hi Cat and welcome to the family!  Great question and I'm really glad you found us.

BPD is a mental health condition that affects close relationships.  That tells me that your sister considers you a part of her inner circle, someone she relies on to talk, rant, or whatever.  That's what close friends do, after all.  But it sounds like your sister is taking that to another level and focusing mostly on herself...not so much on you.  It's a very common problem with a BPD loved one and almost every member can relate.

For me, I have a BPD daughter that I had to distance from.  Not because I don't love her or want to talk to her, but it was important for me to get outside of that "inner circle" with the constant daily updates.  Her boss was mean to her, there's something wrong with her dog, the neighbor is a jerk, this new person they just met is the most amazing person on Earth.  It was endless and like you, I just couldn't do it anymore.  Everyone was either a saint or a demon...there was no middle ground.

So I slowly backed off, strategically.  I'd intentionally take 10-15 minutes to reply to a "rant text", and maybe an hour or two for more general stuff.  If she was in crisis, I replied quickly, but otherwise I gave her enough time to text someone else and rant to them instead.

There were many bumbs in the road in this process and currently, I'm told my daughter is back to hating me.  That's okay though, I understand what that means and I don't let it bother me anymore.  I'd rather have her bad-mouth me from time to time than be in her closest inner circle.  Like you, I just couldn't take it anymore and it caused a lot of anxiety.

I also know it's not real hate anyway.  My daughter told me ex wife recently that we had talked.  My ex was surprised because she thought we didn't talk at all anymore, like something serious happened.  Maybe it did by my kid's version of events, I don't know.  But every time I talk to my daughter, she seems to tell the entire family about our entire conversations.  So that's not someone who actually hates me, she just misses her dad (and unintentionally abusing her dad).

You have to make a choice- no matter what you do, you'll get some pushback and blame.  You can block your sister, or be much slower in repliyng, or keep having the same conversations.  But from my experience, it's much easier to be a distant relationship and not in the middle of everything.  I hope that helps.

Hello,
My sister with borderline personality disorder lives in another state. She is 66 and I am 64. Let's call her Bitsy (not her real name). Anyway, Bitsy and I are in touch on a regular basis via text. Long story short, about three weeks ago Bitsy got mad at me and sent me a rude text, and then I blocked her. To be honest, I really wanted to block her anyway and I was waiting for an opportune moment. Everyday I receive text messages from her about problems and chaos in her life. It's a heavy load for me to carry and I really needed a break from it. (The chaos she creates is quite literally unbelievable). How do you deal with text messages from a loved one? How do you stay involved with the story of their life without becoming bogged down by the burden of it?
I appreciate your ideas and suggestions.
Thank you!

She initiated every single breakup - people used to joke about it and say 'Hey, you're due for another breakup, you've been back together for XX weeks'. That's how regular it happened. No matter how well things were going - and we did have some good times - I realised thar she would be triggeed by something and break up again, it was only a question of 'when' not 'if'. It truly wears you down.

I chased after her every time, even though I knew I was the innocent one. Looking back, it was the worst thing to do because once she knew she could break up and still have me chase her, it made her do it all the more. If I could turn back time I'd make sure we stayed broken up after that first time and saved myself 4 years of grief.. but I always thought 'next time will be better' and that's the BPD trap we end up in.

Don't beat yourself up; you have rules and morals but you were faced with someone who played by no rules and did exactly what they wanted, when they wanted with no thought to the hurt being caused. They go by their disordered emotions which can change by the minute and they can shut you out and act like they never knew you. It's one of the worst mental illnesses to have to deal with and I don't think any of us will ever truly forget a BPD relationship.

It varies since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are just like us, no two are exactly alike.  Also, the scenarios are different from person to person, some are BF/GF, others are engaged, others are married, others have children together, etc.

But one common thread is that it generally worsens over time.  It's been compared to the boiling frog analogy.  Drop a frog into a pot of really hot water and it will hop out.  Drop a frog into water and gradually warm it, you'll soon have a boiled frog.

It's almost as though the other, once the initial adoration or infatuation is past, "lets down their hair" so to speak and you see what's underneath.  Then once you seem to have reached your limit, then it lessens for a while and then it resurges again, to a new level, the push-pull repeating.

Then, too, it is more likely for there to be ultimatums and demands, shouting matches, ragefests, unreasonable guilting, disrespect and so much more.  It may not be abusive at first, but with some people verbal and physical abuse are real risks.

In my case, I believe it was my spouse's childhood FOO, especially the abusive stepfather but also the complicit mother too.  I didn't realize it at first, though just before the wedding I formed an impression I was saving her.  In the first decade I thought her episodes were the result of child abuse, but the pattern, looking back, was that her behavior and ragefests gradually worsened.

About that time I got that idea that if we had a child then she'd be happier watching our child discover the joys of life.  I was so clueless!  It made everything worse because when we divorced, we didn't just have to end the marriage, we also had to deal with the added complication of custody and parenting issues.  Our child was 3 when we separated, it took several years in and out of family court before we had a court order that worked.  Some 15 years later our child aged out of the system and the parenting issues lessened, but conflict is still there lurking in the background since my ex is prone to being easily triggered.

If you decide your relationship would be unworkable, even damaging, in a future together, better to cut your losses sooner than later.  That's not what any of us want, we want all roses and popsicles, but it's the reality when BPD is in the mix.

My daughter tried to email something conciliatory but true to my swupbd.  My sister responded angrily to her and cc'ed me, violating (not surprisingly) the boundary I had established, i.e., that I don't want to be involved in their conflict.

The surprising part was how calmly I reacted.  I had a brief moment of "What now?" but the intensity of the emotional tweak was much less than it has been in similar situations in the past. It also came down quickly. I didn't even notice at first and when I did I was so surprised.  My T, reading, "talking" to you all and reading your stories, etc. are helping.  I am truly grateful.

I'm not responding. I'm sad but fine.

Charlie Brown analogy really hits home.

My ex and I only broke up once and two months later we are still not together.  She has push/pulled me for the last two months, popping in and out, saying she misses and loves me then pushing me away.  

She broke up with me because she thought I was never going to move in or get married, we didn’t even make it to our one year anniversary, I was shooting for 1.5-2 years of dating before I proposed, she has two kids as well which complicated things.  She had an issue with my ADD time blindness; I was pretty good about being on time for specific events, but struggled if there were no set plans or it was open ended.  She wanted to go golfing and boating and tanning, and I was not outdoorsy like that but was willing to compromise on it and get out of my comfort zone.

My ex was more of a quiet BPD, she wasn’t as outward as your ex.  She accused me of cheating a lot, one time I was stopping home to eat, when I got in my car I called my guy friend back and took a photo of my neck to see if I had any blood from when I shaved it early and she accused me of calling a woman to meet at my house and said I was snapping her.  

I just miss her tbh. I’m beating myself up over my mistakes and wish we were still together.

When you were broken up for a few months did she initiate it and how much were you guys in contact during that time?  How did you guys get back together?

Yeah that is all very true. I am notoriously excellent at being super hard on myself.  At first he was calling and texting/ emailing nonstop and now he's just gone. I feel crazy for feeling blindsided. Like, of course this is how this was all going to play out. I just had so much hope and faith. Heard it gets better with age.  That it is curable or at least can become much more manageable. Wanted so badly to help him get there. I just was being treated as if I didn't matter at all and I was asking for the bare minimum. I know there is no logic. I know crazy makes crazy. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I regret trusting certain people. Yes I am a human who was pushed to extremes but I still beat myself up for failing so epically. And i miss the good times and I miss his dog. It's all so sad.

I think you're onto something here.  He tries to erase you from his life because it hurts him too much to think about it.  He can't stand to admit that he played a huge role in creating chaos, because the shame eats away at him.  It's easier to tell himself that you're a monster--to blame you, instead of take responsibility.

While it's typical for pwBPD to cut you out and enter a period of estrangement, it's also typical for them to re-engage.  Usually when they re-engage, (i) they pretend like nothing happened, and (ii) it's usually because they need something.  The needs might vary from person to person, but if you read these boards, typically they need emotional support and/or money/housing/logistical help.

Just my two cents.

If you want raw honesty, it's a little of both.  BPDs run from the pain and often lash out while doing so.  They can't stand to admit fault, even though they know that they played a part, because it eats them up inside and makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them.  So if he has to choose between focusing on you (which hurts), himself (which hurts more), or some new girl that is giving him positive attention (which feels great), it's a pretty easy choice to make.  Run from your problems, blame others, and live a happy new life (until that falls apart and you're doing it all over again).

Did you do things wrong?  Yes, you're human and we all make mistakes.  But you shouldn't focus on that because you didn't make the kind of mistakes that makes it okay to cheat on someone, spy on them, give them no privacy, be verbually abusive, etc.  You must see that and accept it for what it really is. 

You were dating someone unstable and they treated you badly.  I fully understand how much it hurts for the relationship to fall apart, but you did your best and you will learn from this experience.