I spoke to her yesterday and she’s of course trying to frame it as all my doing. I completely understand that she is splitting but hearing the barbaric words out of her mouth was particularly excruciating this time. I can’t see myself forgetting about it. I’ve done all I can and gone into debt to help her. I’m drowning financially and now she has attacked me in such a deep, personal way that I can’t move past the cruelty of it all.

Good for you!

It's a big step forward when we finally realise that, though not perfect, we weren't the cause of all the chaos. It really is very freeing and empowering, almost like being washed clean. Took me 4 years to come to this conclusion and I'm just glad I didn't spend 20, 30+ years in something which was toxic and gradually wearing me down.

Since that relationship I've met only one other who definitely had BPD and other issues and I got out ASAP once I saw the patterns developing. You learn to value yourself and the fact you won't compromise 'just to have someone' rather than be alone.  Keep yourself busy doing all the things you couldn't do while in your BPD relationship because you were so enmeshed by it and it ruled your life so completely.

At the end of the day you are now your own person and anything is possible. Be the best and happiest version of yourself you can be and be ready.. because I find good things often happen when we least expect it, especially when it comes to finding relationships

Hello. Some of you may remember me from several years back, when I was frequently posting during our custody dispute. That fortunately ended up with a good outcome for me and our child.

I haven't been here in a long time, but this website was such a valuable resource for me during the hardest period of my life, and so many of the people who were so helpful to me then seem to still be posting here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

I started dating again once we were divorced. Being reintroduced to the dating scene after years of being off the market, and now adding a child into the mix, is challenging. Some of the people I've met have been great, and some have been the total opposite.

There were two women in particular that I started dating and, when they started treating me poorly, I made a clean and immediate break from them. That's why I'm posting - because just about all of us on here have been in a horrible and abusive relationship at one point or another and likely stayed in it way too long. But a sign of growth is when you're faced with a similar situation and make a better decision the next time, and I'm very proud of myself that I have. I don't put up with anything in my dating life anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sadly, this is much more common than it should be. Regarding your husband's therapy, so much depends on who the therapist is.

My ex and I went to three different marriage counselors. By the time we went to the third one, I had read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and had informed myself about the basics of BPD and was convinced she had it. I'm not exaggerating when I say that within 2 minutes of our first session beginning, I hadn't said a word yet and the marriage counselor - totally unprompted - starting going down the list of the DSM for BPD with my ex, asking questions related to each element in order. I immediately recognized this, and it was so validating that a professional had picked up on it so quickly with her. My ex had no idea why he was asking these questions.

I say that to say this. Even if your husband is trying to limit your access to the frequency or progress of his therapy, if you ever get into some sort of legal dispute with your husband, the therapist may be a valuable witness for you (or you may be able to subpoena the T's notes).

Like others have said, document as much as possible every time she becomes - or threatens to become - physical with you. I would highly recommend getting some sort of in-home camera system that monitors every room.

My ex wife frequently hit me and threw dangerous objects at me, and I never did anything to retaliate. During our custody dispute, I was meeting with an evaluator and he asked me why I never called the police on her. As soon as I started to say that one reason was because I feared that I, as the man, would be taken to jail despite not having done anything wrong, the evaluator started nodding his head and saying "Yeah, you definitely would've gone to jail."

Hi Foolingmyself
I just want to say that I can relate to your thinking very much. When DD first grabbed baby daughter and left I was so anxious - but, yes, of course it didn't last and back home for me to deal with. So these times were my breaks.

I think by that stage I really didn't care what anyone else thought about me. My DD was/is good at painting me as the villain, but that doesn't wash any more. When someone else was there to take up the reins, it was my time to breathe and restore myself.

Take any moment you can. From what you say, your DD is moving into a different phase with possible new relationship and you need space to consider all possibilities.

How do you know when you are nearing the end? Once trust is broken and there is betrayal from so many lies and so much deceit, is there any way to restore trust? Is there any going back?

My partner is in therapy and I think there has been a breakthrough, but I am not sure I can ever look at them the same after my trust has been betrayed and after the things I have found out. I worry they are too empty inside and that I will always feel their hollowness. We have been together a long time and have 3 kids together, but things that have come to light have changed the way I see them.

Can anyone share at what point they knew they had had enough and there was no going backwards? Can love be restored when the pain that has been caused runs so deep?

Hi Foolingmyself.

I have a similar story.

My udd left her 2 small children with me for an overnight stay and didnt turn up again until 2 wks later.  She turned her phone off moments after she left my home and hadnt left details with anyone about where she had gone, even the gc daycare dint know anything, so I made a missing persons  police report, but they coudnt find her.

Turns out that she had gone to spend time with the new "love of her life"  and said it was all down to  miss communication on my part and that I was overeacting. Extended family actually believed her and belived  that I was blowing it out of all porportion. Easy to say and  very invalidating at the time as they only seemed to want to hear udd's side.

Opinions of many of these family members have since  changed as a quite a few who took her in  asked her to leave shortly afterwards because of her behaviour. Unless your relative has zero rules in her home I cant see how long she will be there especially if she is making plans as to live life as a single woman for the summer with this new man. I also think it is  important to try stay on good terms with this relative for gc's sake if udd decides to suddenly take off with him.

I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel but as you say you are exhausted. we all have our limits. Just know that you have done your best and it is time to put yourself first.

Thank you, everyone.

For a while, things were getting a bit better. He wasn't as anxious (or at least not outwardly so) before events and, while quiet, seemed a bit more relaxed when we were there. But this latest one really sent him into a tailspin. He ended up going and it was pretty obvious he didn't want to be there. He hit his limit of "people time" early and looked very uncomfortable. As soon as we were in the car, he started rattling off all the things that he'd felt were negative (when my sister asked about SS, she moved on to another topic too quickly; my mom gave him "a look" and obviously hates him and wishes I were with someone else; my dad talked too much about people he didn't know) I admit, I snapped and told him to "shut up." Another argument ensued when we got home.

Next morning, he was regulated again and started apologizing, pointing out all the things he felt bad about and should have handled differently, etc. When he's at baseline, he's insightful and reasonable, but once those emotions get going...

The thing is, he likes my family. He wants to be part of them. But he's so shy and introverted and (I think) has so much emotional baggage that he just finds it impossible. When he's dysregulated, that becomes my family's fault rather than his for being closed off and unapproachable. It's complicated. It's a large family. He's an only child with an only child. He was never very close to his adopted parents. He found his biological family about 8 years ago and hit it off with them, but after a lot of time together (instigated by them), they basically ghosted him with no explanation, essentially abandoning him twice.

I feel for him. But it's frustrating to try and navigate. One of my brothers-in-law also has a difficult family background and really wanted to become part of the family. I wasn't privy to what was going on in private, but it appears to have been a lot easier for him.

I think it becomes such a sticking point, because it's harder to throw your family in the proverbial "bottomless pit."  You can forego hobbies, friends, move neighborhoods, change jobs, drop out of activities, but cutting yourself off from your own flesh and blood is a dramatic step.  And once the pwBPD sees you have a standard you won't lower yourself to for them, it draws their attention to it. 

I wonder sometimes in my own case whether the motivating factor was simply that, or as she sometimes admitted, a fear that my family posed a "threat" to her because I would chose them over her.  What this meant in practice, I don't know.  She was my wife, and I wasn't going to marry them. 

But my take is that you can't really trust anything a pwBPD says, because it's usually a self-serving excuse to justify behavior in the moment, and also that because their own emotions are such a disordered mess, it's possible they don't even truly understand their behavior. 

You're just left dealing with the mess as best you can.