I have highlighted the parts that, I think are important for you to do, based on my own experiences with my own BPD mother. My parents didn't separate, and so I stayed with both of them, and even in this situation, experienced some of the things your children have with their mother, including being blamed for things, her self harm threats and attempts and the financial strains.

It isn't possible to predict how a child will turn out, but just as your worries are one possibility, the future isn't predictable. It doesn't sound like you ex is a cabable mother. She may not be able to sustain parenthood. She may actually give up parenting at some point, and IMHO- that may hurt their feelings in the moment but in the long run, may be a good thing- if you are there as the stable parent.

In your current situation, there's nothing you can do to act on your ex and this situation but what you can do is to get yourself to a better place and position to be the stable father in their lives. And as someone who observed my own father "lose himself" in this kind of relationship- I would implore you to do this- for you and for the sake of your kids- when and if ( and I think once you get to a good place- it's a when), they can have a relationship with you.

Keep living for you, because the better you are for you, the better you are for them and anyone else. Your kids need you to be the best you can be, and for you to have happiness and stability. You are not replacable to them, no matter what your ex says or does.

I agree with FD to get counseling- many here have needed it, and it does help. The new job training is excellent. Also your physical health- do the medical steps to be at your best, so you feel at your best. Keep your own behavioral slate clean- no conflict with the law, no substances, no other romantic partners, and take any recommended parenting/anger management classes needed for a parental reunification. Your record of stability will stand in contrast to your ex's behavior in the legal arena when that time may come.



 

The distress you feel is precisely why this site exists.  We too have "been there, experienced that".

Read again the responses to this thread, there are clear options and steps for you to consider.

You are in clear need of local support too.  Seek help from local counselors or therapists.  If you feel you can't afford professional help, ask them if they have a sliding scale for persons who have limited resources.  You can get through this dark time!

There was a last outstanding situation with uBPDx, which has hopefully come to a close.

There was some money we were jointly responsible for, which had been donated towards a mutual aid/charitable project.

After the separation, uBPDx took $1000 of the money. He didn't mention he'd spent it until I said I would crosscheck records with the donor. He said he would pay it back, but would not say when or what he had spent it on. This was, to say the least, dodgy. We had previously discussed using some of the money for the needs of people involved in the mutual aid project (eg, health or legal expenses), as either a gift or a loan depending on the circumstances. This was emphatically not the same as simply taking cash without saying anything and refusing to explain when asked.

When questioned about this, uBPDx said at different times and to different people:

- that I knew what the money had been spent on, and had approved it
- that I had no right to ask what the money had been spent on or to 'control' him by demanding to know
- that the money had been spent on visa expenses, which would be refunded to him as part of the visa process
- that he was working to save up to pay it back.

These narratives are obviously not consistent or reconcilable.

Anyway, uBPDx has just paid back the money. I don't know what he actually spent it on and nor do I need to. I know enough to know that this is not a person to be entrusted with responsibility involving money or anything else.

I also think this is consistent with my perception of uBPDx as someone who creates chaos and engages in dishonesty and manipulation, not from malice, but out of desperation and dysregulation.

This doesn't make him any less harmful and I have no desire to be in is orbit. I do not want this chaos in my life and I hope it is over.

 

PeteWitsend, this is a very accurate characterisation. What I've come to realise is that unfortunately, the first scenario isn't necessarily any less harmful than the second one, as a relative lack of malice is more than compensated for by greater chaos and instability. A pure evil manipulator can be somewhat stable and predictable, and can be reasoned with based on self-interest. A chaos-agent is simply reacting, and will detonate themselves and everyone around them when the dysregulation hits.

The 'loving and affectionate' fiance and the 'mean, violent and uncaring' stranger are the same person. Both these experiences are equally real and both have bearing on what you can expect if the relationship continues. The choice to send ambiguous and destabilising signals through Cashapp requests, rather than reaching out directly, also says something about this person's mental state and their willingness to confront and face problems at this time.

Do you think things are likely to get better under these circumstances?

Sending you care and strength from afar.

Thank you for your response.

I have photos and messages that raise serious concerns about my ex-partner’s treatment of our daughter, including evidence of physical mistreatment, suicide threats, and photos/messages related to those incidents.

My ex-partner also searched for information about giving up her parental rights to our daughter, and she considered sending our daughter to boarding school. I could never understand how she could dislike her own daughter so much, and she often blamed herself by saying that she was a bad mother.

Our daughter was slapped and mistreated by her mother on multiple occasions. As a result, I began to see our daughter copying that behaviour towards her younger sister by slapping and bullying her. Watching this happen broke my heart. Whenever I told my ex-partner to stop treating our daughter that way, she did not listen, and the mistreatment continued.

There was also an incident where my ex-partner spent so much time getting herself ready in the morning that our daughter became late for school. She then became angry at our daughter and pushed her into a door, causing our daughter to hit her head and bleed.

I also observed a very unhappy and repeated pattern within my ex-partner’s family. Many of the women in her family had experienced multiple divorces, and there were situations involving husbands having affairs or maintaining two families. My ex-partner told her family that I was a violent and bad person, and that this was the reason she became the way she was. She also blamed our daughter’s behaviour on me. As a result, her mother also joined in criticising and blaming our daughter.

My ex-partner did not allow me to tell her family what was really happening. She threatened to kill herself if I spoke to them about the truth. I became increasingly trapped and isolated, unable to seek help from anyone.

When her suicide threats became more serious, I called the police. However, I felt that because she was a woman, the police did not take meaningful action and simply left the situation unresolved. I also took her to the emergency department after a suicide attempt, but she refused follow-up mental health treatment. Over the years, I asked her many times to seek counselling or psychiatric help, but in ten years she never received proper treatment.

Whenever I tried to talk to her seriously and resolve our issues, she would change the subject and never truly open up about what was going on inside. Looking back, it felt as though she interpreted everything only through her own emotions and was unable to accept the overall reality of the situation.

We kept fighting about the same problems over and over again. I became increasingly exhausted, stressed, and emotionally overwhelmed by her emotional ups and downs. Over time, I felt like I was losing myself.

After COVID, our financial situation became worse. I suggested that she find work, but she refused. Although she was capable of working, she did not make serious efforts to find a job. Because of this, I ended up doing physical labour instead, and I was injured. I now have a disability.

While I was doing physical work, I trusted her to manage my business, but she did not manage it properly. As a result, I have now lost my business and I am facing bankruptcy.

I have lost my family, my business, and my health. At the age of 38, I am now living with a disability and trying to rebuild my life by preparing for a new career. Every day, I am trying to stay strong and keep going. I am going through a very dark and painful tunnel, but I am choosing to stay alive because I want to return to my children one day.

I am extremely worried about how my children will live under the influence of my ex-partner’s family. From what I observed, her family background involved repeated patterns of poverty, unstable relationships, exploitation, sham marriages for visa purposes, marriages to much older men for immigration purposes, divorces, and children suffering mental health issues afterwards.

The more I think about it every day, the more painful and heartbreaking it becomes. Whenever I raised these concerns, her mother dismissed them and said that her daughter was still better than someone addicted to drugs or gambling, and that there was no real problem. They believe that my ex-partner became this way because I mistreated her.

However, my ex-partner had a history of self-harm and suicide threats even before she met me, including threatening suicide when previous relationships ended.

I now feel trapped in complete darkness. I do not know what I should do next, or how I am supposed to keep living through all of this.

You are not alone after being treated badly by a female partner for many years, to commit an offense that would result in a conviction for domestic violence. Know that you are much more capable of rehabilitation unlike your wife. Courts look favorable on long term participation in individual therapy and groups for men convicted of domestic violence. 

Okay, you are past one hurdle already... you've concluded there is no expectation for reconciliation in the future.  With that addressed, the priorities now come down to you (1) as a reasonably normal individual and (2) as a father.

You are "currently under a police FVIO".  My guess is that it is temporary and not a "final" order or decision.  It is vital that you don't acquiesce or give up.  It always looks bad and devastating at the start but the reality is that if it has reached a court there are several steps involved.  Each time the other side tries to get you to admit guilt or to agree to "anger management" which in itself is a sort of admission of some culpability, it is up to you to defend yourself.

While you may not be 100% innocent, there are mitigating circumstances due to your spouse's history of conflict, rants and rages, not to mention suicide threats.  Do you have any documentation or witnesses to her poor behavior?

While young children cannot be directly interviewed ("in camera" appearances in court) they can have their own legal representation assigned, known as Guardian ad Litem (GAL).  The GAL would represent the children's interests, not you or your partner.  You may have to ask for a GAL, just be aware that not just any GAL may be helpful, find one respected as unbiased and experienced by the court and other associated experts.  The GAL can recommend to the court what they observe and recommend to the court that the children receive their own counseling.

I don't know which precise process or court you're in but likely a good step for you to take is one all family court cases start their parents with... parenting classes.  If you get a good start at that, it gets you on the right track.  And of course getting some level of legal guidance so you don't make the common clueless mistakes many here did when they first encountered the legal arm of the law.

We know you're concerned for your children, that they may have extended time with their problematic mother.  All of us parents whose adult relationships failed have faced that, you're not alone.  One good thing is that courts have a general mandate to try to enable parental relationships with their children.  So a good perspective is that while the court may defend the "victim", they also should (hopefully) consider the circumstances leading up to the incident.  This is where your legal defense can properly clarify that this was a reaction to repeated long term goading and without a previous pattern.  That separation is a good outcome to avoid future conflict.

Your ex may allege you've been abusive to the children too.  That's common too.  The court may order you, as the alleged perpetrator, to take a "Psych Eval" or other assessment processes.  If at all possible request that any investigative orders include both parents.  If you have any documentation of her BPD diagnosis and history, ensure that is presented and considered too.

This is important.  Since there was NO abuse of the children on your part, the court should eventually conclude the children are safe with you.  If this process has not already started, you should NOT let matters sit overlong with their mother in unchallenged total possession.  You have rights as a father which are up to you to defend.

In my case, my spouse was facing Threat of DV charge but gained temporary custody and temporary majority parenting from my family court which defaulted to preference for mothers.  At the end of the divorce, after cursory Psych Evals and an in-depth Custody Evaluation, I walked out with shared parenting and equal parenting time.  A few more years and I gained full legal guardianship.  A couple more years and I obtained majority parenting time.  Yes, it looked hopeless at first, but gradually court made positive steps for my parenting.

Remember that it is up to you to decide to remain in your children's lives.  You can fight for your rights to be a parent.  There are uncounted split families out there.  Generally, the children spend time with both parents, using a schedule in a court order.  (see the quote below)  It is wisdom to seek as much parental time and authority from the start.  But even a lousy order can be improved upon in future years, as many here have done.

Evieart,
Welcome. You will find the support and encouragement you need here. Many men and women have had and continue to have the trauma you have experienced. When you read others posts and the comments by those who understand and maybe  are ahead in self care and taking back their lives, it will give you hope and a direction for your life. The Forum has a great Library with tools that will help you.
I am a mother of a middle aged swubpd, my ex H has bpd as well as my father. A lifetime of trauma is familiar to me. I'm getting support here to grow and recover. This is a safe place.

These words are so profound and I could have written the same ones. For me, this began with my father's passing- and he was the parent I felt connected to and thought I had a good relationship until then. But like Methuen, I was groomed to be BPD mother's emotional caretaker. Her behavior escalated at the time, and due to the emotional stress of both situations- his needs, her needs, and some of her behavior, I went into counseling over it- and had to have boundaries. BPD mother, used to being enabled and me being compliant, got angry, Dad got angry too.

Apparently, pleasing BPD mother was a contingency to parental approval and I also had "failed and disappointed them". While I remained in contact with BPD mother after that- she was doing well and had cut me off in anger, then reconnected later. I had learned to grey rock, not be reactive to her either way.

I remained in contact with her mainly for my own reasons.  Spiritually, to honor a parent has meaning to me, and while honoring a parent doesn't mean allowing them to be abusive to me, there's a significance to that relationship, and for me, it meant overseeing that she was getting the level of care she needed and physical needs were met. Emotionally, nobody could meet them.  She was elderly, I felt I could make decisions in her best interest if I needed to, and I didn't want to leave my sibling to do it all themselves.

As long as she was doing well, she didn't want our involvement. She kept her affairs secret from us, and we didn't really know what was going on until it became apparent that she wasn't doing well and we, along with her extended family, stepped in to assist.

Another reason that I felt but knew there was little hope for, was that, maybe I could "get it right" with her. This was wishful thinking, but I think as adult children, that's a wish that we may not completely let go of.

Also, I know now that I didn't "fail" or dissapoint my parents, no matter how they saw it. I think if I had not been involved in my mother's latter years, I may have wondered "what if?" but I know how this went. Nobody is perfect and neither are us kids but we cared about them, and have done some things a parent could be proud of. If they couldn't realize it due to the BPD and the dynamics- that was about them, not us.

Methuen, I think you and your H went above and beyond for your mother and you both are good people.

AutumnBlossom- You too, whatever you decide- your mother's feelings in the moment do not define you or determine if you are a good person or not. If you do reconnect- do it from your own reasons, and without expectations of any thing from your mother. I think due to the significance of the relationship- there still can be some wishful thinking, but it's balanced with realistic thinking. If you do reconnect, be sure to have supports in place for you- counseling, supportive friends and family, and boundaries, and if you decide not to, have these same supports in place for you as well. Each decision has its challenges I think.