Wau, thankful person, great job, I am so happy to read this! 

Thank you all for your continued advice and support. I wanted to give an update: I collected D4 and D6 from school yesterday and they both had Christmas cards from friends in their school bags. D4 excitedly got out her Christmas card and opened it. D6 said, “I’m not going to open mine because Mummy will be angry.” I said, “Well I think that’s a bit silly.That’s your bag and your Christmas cards, you should be allowed to open them.” D6 opened her cards. When dbpdw got home, i braced myself for her reaction as the girls excitedly showed her their Christmas cards. She reacted positively on this occasion. I will continue to support my kids to not walk on eggshells around their mother.

I also agree with under the bridge about boxing the gifts and putting them away somewhere. My relationship lasted nearly 3 decades, and I live in the house we shared which is full of memories and possessions from our time together, but some of the gifts I wouldn’t dream of getting rid of.

One of my most prized possessions is an expensive watch that I wear every day. It was a gift from my wife for my 40th birthday.
I also have several guitars that she bought me for Xmas or birthday presents. She could be very generous, to the extreme sometimes.

I think you are conflicted with your thoughts as to whether the relationship was real or just a lie. It’s an understandable reaction. If your ex was npd there is a chance it was a lie, but with a borderline I believe the love was real. It’s the dysregulation that makes you question if it was real, but emotionally in the moment it likely was. In fact I believe because their love is so intense, and them being with an emotionally stable and healthy person, leads them to think you don’t love them, because your emotions are stable and not dysregulated like theirs are. This in turn leads to the imagined situations in their heads, the accusations of cheating and the fear of abandonment, that then ultimately lead to the discard and running away from what is essentially problems in their own head.

As for the gifts, I believe they are bought with genuine love. I know my wife bought me the guitars because she loved me and knew that I would like them, that they were the best gift she could get me at the time. The problem was, she would tell me I wasn’t romantic, that I didn’t show her I loved her, yet I would try and learn her favourite songs on them, and when I told her I had learnt one of her favourite songs, instead of the reaction I hoped for, she would go off on one and say things like “I wish I had time to sit there for hours and learn to play a new song” which is the dysregulated thinking coming through. Now I can play those guitars whenever I want.

I echo everything Rowdy has said - get out there and live your life, even though it's incredibly hard for you at the moment, as it was for all of us at the time.

It helps if you constantly remind yourself that the problem was never you. You did your best but were faced with a mental illness which had no rules or logic and there was simply no way to deal with it's destructive nature. The one with BPD couldn't predict what they'd do from one minute to the next so there's no way we could ever hope to deal with it..and zero chance of us ever being able to cure them. We did our best and could do no more.

Time really is a great healer and it will get easier, though we all never totally forget our BPD ex, such was the effect they had on us. A BPD relationship is unlike any other in it's depth and intensity and people who haven't experienced it can never understand what we've been through. I last saw my exBPD 37 years ago.. a hell of a long time but I still think of her and how happy she made me.. but only on her 'normal' days.

I spoke to her sister in law last year and she said she hadn't changed a bit and had now cut off from her family. Though I still think of her, I know for sure that I definitely dodged a bullet and would have suffered much more if we'd stayed together over those 37 years.

Regarding the gifts and souvenirs from your partner, I'd box them up and put them at the back of the cupboard. It may be hard to look at them now but in time you'll be able to without being upset. I threw out photographs of my ex and regret it as now I could look at them objectively for what they were -  part of my life which I would have loved to continue but sadly it didnt happen. I can still see her clearly in my mind though.

Stay strong and focus on yourself. You had a life before you met your partner and you'll have one again.

^ that was British humour btw 

I don’t know, but maybe that is why my wife has buggered off with a big nosed jug eared ugly twat, so she isn’t offended by whatever face he might pull because it’s enough to scare children on a good day

4 months isn’t a long time after a breakup with a borderline.
It’s the up and down nature of the relationship that makes it hard to detach, that creates the trauma bond.

I’ve read a few of your threads, and you seem to be quite positive at times, then you let it get to you. This is fairly normal, at least that is how I felt too, and to be honest there are the odd days now and then when I ruminate, try and figure out why it went wrong, but over time those days get less and less.

At times you are probably wondering how you can see a way forward. People tell you that time is a great healer and you think that isn’t true and you will never heal, but it does get easier.

What works for me, is getting out and socialising. Taking up new hobbies, restarting old hobbies. Meeting up with friends and family. Working hard. If I think about my wife now I generally try and look at the negative side of the relationship and how my life is better without her. Flip the script. I spent far too long with the victim mindset but that has now shifted, I now see her as the victim because she is just running away from herself. I see her current boyfriend as the victim because I know how she has treated him, and how she will continue to treat him, not that he is a particularly nice person.

When you are ready, you will be open to a new relationship and if it is with someone mentally stable you will see that your ex has done you a favour. Don’t rush into a new relationship though. If you meet someone you like, get to know them. A relationship with a mentally stable person will seem alien at first, if all you have experienced is a relationship with a borderline. The trauma bond kind of conditions you to the drama, so it takes a while for the brain to adjust to the relative stability of a healthy relationship.

My marriage ended 2 years ago. After a couple of months I went to a local social club (a UK thing, a sort of working man’s bar) with a friend of mine. The lady behind the bar and I hit it off pretty much immediately. We actually went to school together but she didn’t really remember me from school. After a couple of months it was kind of obvious to us both that something was going to happen, but we didn’t act on it as it was far too soon as I had just come out of a 27 year relationship. It wasn’t until 14 months after meeting her that I felt ready enough to start a relationship with her, but we both knew for about a year that we would eventually be together. We have now been together for 9 months and have not had one argument. She treats me with respect, and we are both extremely happy. I can talk to her if I have any concerns or any boundaries and there is no drama. She appreciates everything I do for her, even making her a cup of tea is met with genuine thanks, and she is the loveliest, kindest person I know that has always got a smile on her face, and everyone really likes her. My eldest son said to me after meeting her for the first time she is a better person than his own mother, and my youngest thinks she is really nice too, and I just know she isn’t going to be slagging them off behind my back like their mum does about her boyfriends kids. She is very attractive too which is a bonus.

I too care for my ex. She is the mother of my children after all. But time does heal my friend, even if you can’t see that at the moment, but you will hopefully get to the point where you see that she has done you a favour.

Thanks for the reply - I really appreciate it

Yeah - well, she's the child of an eminent scholar who taught at a really famous school; and they had two houses - so she's living in one of them.

She's an interesting person career wise - she's well educated, and had some really well paid, responsible jobs.

At the same time, her 'outside of work' life seemed super messy.

It seemed like a case of 'I can show up for work and somehow force it; but the moment I leave, things become fraught.'

She was hospitalised and suffered from major psychosis, all while in and out of some good jobs.

It's one of the things that made it hard to understand where she was at health-wise.


Yeah, that's true -

In truth, she told me that her diagnosis was CPTSD, not BPD - but her behaviours were very BPD-ish. She also told me that there were some things that she'd only tell someone after she'd married them... so - no idea what those things were!

One thing that used to bug me was that we'd sometimes sit in silence over dinner, and then she'd bring her phone out and be like - "Smile!" and we'd both look like we were having a brilliant time... then immediately back to straight faced after that.

I've seen how the image she presents isn't what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm just remembering how conversations with her were really lucid, but laced with just... unusual ways of thinking.

I remember hearing about a guy that she was going to marry - she was heartbroken when it didn't happen. I later found out that they'd never actually met - only speaking for a couple of months by video call.

Lots of times, I'd track the conversation, and then something random would happen which would leave me scratching my head - some sentence or other, where I'd wonder where her head was actually at.

And then - of course - there was the being told to f**k off, and being called names, and having sexual boundaries consistently pushed, and being told things like "I want to be with you ALL of the time" when I wanted to spend Christmas with my family instead of hers (after a few months of dating).

The people at church didn't see that side to her - they saw the devout, really friendly side; and then the front door would close and the other behaviours would start...


Thanks for this too - I was a child carer in a situation which ran until 28; then Covid hit, and I've tried to navigate life as a self-employed creative.

I think I've clicked in the last year or so that I want to shift out of transient, changeable work and prioritise solid, well-paid work and then build from there.

It'll come, I think. But it'll take a bit of time, maybe...

You are right...it's not about potatoes or even me. They will lash out if they are having trouble in other areas of their life, often things I have no awareness of, such as a work problem or a text arguement w. a family member. I happen ti be there and then become the target. They also know from many incidents I wont become aggresive right back. Thank you for your thoughts and will try and put them into practise. 

How on eartn is it we are all living the same life, all around the world? I have learnt to manage my facial expressions, sounds i make, etc. I think i do alot of things as a surcvival method without even thinking that others would find very odd.......