I agree competely with Under.  There's no "honest" answer here to give to that type of question. 

It makes me think of when my wife asks me, "Do this dress make me look fat?"  I have a clear, instant answer that I can give and if she looks great, I tell her.  But what if she doesn't?  What's the "real" answer she's looking for?  That's too much thinking for me and I always say that it looks just fine, regardless.

A BPD will improve once they're ready to look within.  From our group expeirences, I think that only happens when life gets so utterly terrible, getting help actually feels like the best option.  Until then, therapy is used as a sounding board to talk endlessly about the lousy people in their live and how nobody supports them emotionally.

So in a way, your BPD person is right- the therapy is basically worthless until they actually want to contribute.  But even then, they get to talk out their problems and it makes them feel somewhat better.  That's some value at least.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at " Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062381.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Hi and welcome to the forums. We're all sympathetic to what you're going through now as every one of us has been through it. BPD tends to run to a very predictable script; almost like a computer program inside them and once it starts - usually after an initial wonderful period of seeming like a match made in heaven - it becomes mentally draining, as we try to work with our partner's ever-changing moods and emotions.

You say that he's just been through exams; the exams will most likely be causing him stress which none of us like but s particularly bad for a BPD sufferer, where emotions get magnified. They tend to react by extreme behaviour which to us can appear totally illogical and over-reactive.  They can simply get emotionally 'swamped' if too much is happening at once and they can withdraw, which hurts us as we want to be there for them but they don't see it like that. They react on instinct and can seem very uncaring and even nasty to us. This is their illness causing it.

From what I've read you seem to be a very caring and considerate person and I would just suggest that you continue in that way and try to be there for him, even if he's not giving you the reponse you're expecting. You need him to know you're there for him. but without being too protective or smothering, as this can trigger withdrawal. It's not easy to get the right balance, as we've all found.

Try not to take anything negative he says as personal. I know that's hard to do but BPD can make people say the most ridiculous and easily-disprovable things. They speak and act on their emotional state at the time and often their 'reality' exists only in their heads, not the real world.

Feel free to write more and keep us informed of what's happening. We're all on your side.

That's 100% the whole problem isn't it? If they think they're never at fault or the main contributors to the chaos it's impossible to get them to change their thoughts. My exBPD would never have gone to any kind of therapy because, in her own often-used words, she was doing nothing wrong while the whole world shi**ed on her all the time.

Trying to explain that the entire world can't be against her and she is the common denominator in all the life-long chaos with her family, workplace, friends, previous partners and me was just impossible.

Yet having said all that, some posters here say that their partner has actually acknowledged they have a problem and taken some responsibility. All well and good but of course once the BPD kicks in full flow they're back to their 'never at fault' thinking.

I hope things do improve for you, it's such a powerless feeling when we can't get through to them and make them see.

ACA is adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. There are meetings all over and online.

https://adultchildren.org/

Since you are religious, the original language in the program  "God of our own understanding" will be easy for you to work with. For atheists, they can adapt this to their own understanding but others can adapt this to their own religion.

The first 12 step program was alcoholics anonymous, aimed to help the alcoholic, but then it was recognized that alcoholism affects all family members and programs were created for them too. ACA then added family dysfunction as these situations in families have similar dynamics.

These are lay programs, and anyone can attend. When you go to a group, you will see people who are experienced and seem to have it together and others that may not. My advice if you go to meetings is to go to some, if there is more than one, try those. Get used to who is there. At some point, you will see that some people there seem to have experience with the program, seem to have it together, and are willing to sponsor people- then approach that person and ask if they can take you on.

My PWBPD is going to counseling for other issues and has seen many different people.  They don’t understand why their issues aren’t improving. 

What I’ve noticed is that when the issues are talked about, they tend to want to justify their feelings and issues rather than tackle them.  Rather than understand what’s going on, they take the therapy itself as worthless because ultimately the problem can’t be internal to them or their thinking.  It has to have an external cause.   

When they ask me for opinions and help, they are rejected if I broach the idea that there may be flawed thinking involved. 

I mention the baby self soothing and toddler tantrum because they apply to your GF as well. The task of parenting requires both meeting the child's emotional needs and allowing them to gain developmental tasks. A toddler tantrum is similar to when a pwBPD disregulates, and what they say or think about you in the moment does not define whether or not you are a good BF or good parent.

Of course we all turn to our partners for emotional support and that's part of it but being available 24/7 to soothe another adult isn't realistic. Having reasonable boundaries doesn't make you a bad BF.

Whatever you decide- make this decision according to you and your specific feelings and situation.

I think an important consideration is your own mental health. In some situations, NC is necessary to preserve that.

In my situation, some boundaries were necessary but I didn't go fully NC with my BPD mother.

After my father passed away, BPD mother was angry at me and she's the one that seemed to discard the relationship. She had what she needed- Dad left her money and assets, she had extended family nearby, and she didn't seem to care about continuing a relationship with me. I continued low contact with her- for my own reasons. One was her age- she was in her elder years and I didn't feel OK with NC. Another was to be of support to my sibling, in the event that sibling would need to help.

I also had no expectations of her. Any relationship was based solely on my own reasons. This is important because, we can't know how the relationship will go but we do know our own reasons. I still cared about her well being and wanted to know that she was being cared for, even if I was not her primary hands on caregiver. Her feelings could change,  but I know mine and so that was my reason. I also -due to experiences with her- didn't have a lot of hope in her changing how she related to me, but I think I had a little, and wanted to leave that possibility open.

When my father passed, BPD mother didn't have much to do with me. She wrote me out of her legal papers, named a family member as POA. She kept her finances and her daily life secret from us. I wasn't sure she could manage with her BPD but I had no way of knowing for sure.

Some time later, we kids got a revised set of papers from her attorney naming us as POA. I agreed because I knew we, her kids, had her best interest at heart. She tended to trust people who may have taken advantage of her- and we knew we wouldn't do that. However, she remained in control and so it was more like being the disempowered POA. At some point, her extended family became concerned, she needed assistance and reached out to me.

I don't live close to her and so didn't have direct hands on care but she did have some funds to stay in assisted living. I was in frequent contact with her extended family, and her medical team and did visit. I did what I felt I needed to do, and it was my choice to do so, without expectations.

Your situation is different in that there are siblings to be there for care- but your reasons may be beyond care for your mother. You may wish to do this as part of the relationship with your siblings- to be of emotional support to them, or for your own wish to see for yourself that your mother is cared for, even if it isn't by you. You can also decide on your own boundaries, and what is needed for you to maintain your own emotional health. Each situation is different.









 

I think your user name is a realistic one- feeling scared is understandable. You are about to become a father, your GF has emotional needs, and this is a lot. I will share some points of perspective- as an adult daughter of a mother with BPD, and also a mother myself-and my children are adults now too.

That your GF is exhibiting more BPD behaviors since you moved in together and she's pregnant is not due to anything you did "wrong" or that you aren't being "good enough". It may also not be entirely hormones/pregnancy. It's a function of BPD which affects the closest relationships the most- so moving in together advanced the relationship in this direction. Hormones and pregnancy can affect mood and how someone feels but how much this is BPD and how much is the pregnancy, one won't know at the moment. On your part- know that you haven't "failed" to be a good BF because of this.

The baby analogy is similar, on an emotional level, however, your GF is not a baby. She's an adult, albeit one with BPD that makes it difficult to manage emotions. Learning to self soothe, to manage emotions, is an ongoing childhood task. BPD makes that more difficult but soon you will have an actual baby. That baby, at first, will be completely dependent on parents for everything, including soothing them when they are upset. The baby can not be left alone at all, and needs 24/7 care, but adults do not. Childhood is an 18 year or so transition between these two stages.

One early task this baby will have is learning to go to sleep. We rock babies to sleep, but eventually, the advice is to rock them at bedtime but put them in their crib slightly drowsy, not fully asleep, and let them learn to soothe themselves to sleep even if they fuss for a few moments. (if they are screaming, distressed, that's a different situation). Babies wake up several times a night to feed at first, which is normal baby care, and a temporary time of sleep disruption for parents,  but if the baby become always dependent on parents to get to sleep, and can't soothe themselves- then the parents are woken with crying way past that stage. The baby is fine- this won't hurt the baby- the older baby/toddler can sleep whenever they want. It's the parents, who will have sleep deprivation- and they have to be awake to function during the day.

I am pointing this out because, while this is a developmental skill that a baby needs to learn, it's the caregiver, the parent who also needs the baby to have this skill, because if the baby doesn't have it- they are the ones paying the "physical" cost of losing sleep, past the time when the baby needs to be fed at night.

Another emotional regulation skill is to learn to manage emotions when not getting what they want. Toddlers don't have this yet, but they still rely on parents to make decisions for them. A toddler may ask for cookies for dinner, and the parent will say no- because that is not a nutritious dinner. The toddler will tantrum. They will cry, kick on the floor, and possibly say "you are a bad Daddy".

Which is the best "good Dad" decision? Give the toddler the cookie, the toddler calms down, decides you are a nice Dad. Then learns that this behavior works to get them cookies for dinner, and keeps on tantruming.

Or- the Dad knows he's a good Dad, no matter what the toddler says, and says no, dinner is meat and vegetables, and lets the toddler tantrum and learn that this behavior doesn't work. Eventually the toddler outgrows the behavior.

What makes a good parent?  Acting in the child's best interest, not according to the child's feelings. If the child directed their care - parents would be up all night, meals would consist of ice cream and cookies, and the house would be filled with toys and messy. Good parents provide age appropriate boundaries, and decide in the best interest for the child, even if the child tantrums.

Every human needs boundaries. One of the main ones is knowing - what is "me" what isn't "me". We determine who we are. For instance, you know you are a human, a male, how tall you are, and things about you, like your favorite foods, sports team, and your ethics. If we look to other people to decide who we are- then we don't have a solid sense of self boundary.

If you look to your GF feelings to decide your "goodness" then this will change according to her feelings. If your child, as a toddler, says you are a bad Dad because you don't let them have cookies for dinner- you know that isn't true, just because they said it during a tantrum.

For a pwBPD- their feelings feel like facts. They also tend to project their feelings, have black and white thinking. It may not be possible for you to be consistently a "good BF" in their thinking, and if you look to their feelings to decide your goodness, it may not be consistently attainable.

You need to have this boundary of what determines your "goodness". It's not perfection. You are human and humans aren't perfect all the time. Being available to your GF at all times to help her calm down isn't realistic. You need to work your job, you need sleep and time to yourself to take care of you. You are not a bad BF for taking care of your basic human needs.

One aspect of being a good father is to provide for your baby. The baby can't earn a living and babies need diapers, health care, housing, and more- these cost money. Your job is a necessity. You are not a bad BF for having a boundary to not be available while you are at work. Pook is correct in that you can't try to reason with your GF when she's in the middle of her emotional distress, but when she's calmer, later, you can say "I need to focus on my job during the day. I will check my phone at lunch, but otherwise I can not be available". This is not unreasonable. What if you were a surgeon or a pilot- would you stop the operation or plane to answer the phone? People need to focus on their jobs.

You aren't a bad BF- you are human and with a lot on your plate. Soon, you will have a baby, in addition to your GF who will need you, and so, it's necessary to have boundaries for your own well being and also for the sake of the child who will truly be dependent on you. We don't tell posters to stay or leave. I will say that each decision is a challenging one. One isn't the "better person" if they stay or leave- each makes the best decision possible in their circumstances.

They say on a plane "put your oxygen mask on first". The parent needs to be OK in order to take care of the baby or anyone else. The baby needs you to be an emotionally intact and functional father. You also can decide what you need to do to preserve your own emotional health. You are the one to decide which is the situation in which you can do that.

I’ve been seeing this guy for over eight months now I’m 19 he’s 20. We met at uni he has bpd and trauma relating to SA. Recently, we had exams at uni and out of to me felt like nowhere he asked to stop talking until exams were over it ended up being three weeks. After that he invited me over said he was nervous to move into new accom and wanted me because I’m familiar. By the time his exams were completely finished I had to go home. I rang him and we got into a talk and I asked why he asked for a pause and he said I assaulted him and I didn’t really know what he meant because I’d never do that and he said I repeatedly tried to get with him while he was asleep. That never happened one time I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping before I left. This happened months before. He never tells me any of this stuff and I always ask him to talk to me and I try to not invalidate him when I disagree and I never shout or blame him, I tell him I’m not cross and I want to make sure he’s ok. It’s still not over and I’m not sure why. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?