Have you ever told her that her behaviour is so bad that it's seriously making you want to leave? How do you think she would react to this, would it make her think or would it just trigger her more?

As for her being more quiet when full of cold, I think being ill makes us all a lot quieter and not so bothered about anything - we just want to get well again. I'm sure you're appreciating the calm period though.

oooh, I feel dumb now but yeah, there's always those doubts, especially with the way people with BPD just move on like nothing happened and 'seem' happy. It makes you think, 'damn, was I really that bad and crazy? they were right and are doing way better while I'm here crushed'.

Just nice to hear a year isn't super long given these relationships. Regular people tend to start dating asap and it confuses me.

I told her that it is pointless to discuss this, because people that are controlling don't change, so she made a bad choice, but she still can divorce and perhaps find a non-controlling husband. For someone else watching the scene from the outside, it might seem like a joke, but for her it did sink in and make her think about it. Maybe it's because she would never get that kind of response from her parents. Definitely not from her father.

Have you ever tried anything similar? 

...

Mom is concerned about the amount my wife drinks but doesn't say anything, not really. Then mom will listen to my wife (who is very convincing) that we just need to get back to couples counseling so she becomes a flying monkey asking why I'm refusing to go back to couples therapy. Mom will say things like it takes 2 to argue. She's in denial there's a serious mental illness but the way her mom talks sometimes is she hints maybe we can't work it out maybe we end up divorced. Sadly I think sometimes her mom is convinced that maybe all these issues will just poof and go away if we do divorce.

Concerning taxes, there is typically a financial benefit to file a joint return.  However, getting a signature can be daunting.  I filed for the standard extension but since we had just separated, it took the lawyers to convince her to sign, yes, with days to spare.

Depending on what transpires over the next several months, you may have to weigh the financial discount of joint filing versus filing separately due to her poor withholding choices and lack of cooperation.  If you do file separately then dump that in the Consequences folder.

It's a fair question. And I'll say in the past I was always too available to people. I really stepped back this past year because I just couldn't function and handle it. I still help when I can, but it's on my terms and I'm ok saying no now. As far as traumas, I talk about that with my therapist and it's always quite vague and confusing. I am so lucky to have two parents who are married 42 years now. Our family dynamic was great and my sisters and I have a wonderful relationship too. There was no abuse in my family, no neglect, no drugs/alcohol issues. The only 'trauma' I've known of was being bullied horribly up through 7th grade or so? And what I've learned from that was it made me shrink myself and accept bad treatment and have no boundaries because it felt like 'at some point it'll stop and things will go back to normal'...which is how I've been with women. I just accept bad treatment because it always gets 'good' again. I am working on that, but my issue is learning what my boundaries look like and how to enforce them.

I've done the exercise, diet, hobbies, go out thing, and sure it keeps me occupied. Sometimes it does feel like I'm doing too many things, but I slow down.

And the thing is, I might be framing it wrong, but I'm not totally against somehow meeting a nice woman. I wouldn't hide or ignore or be rude. I just don't want to pursue anything. The idea overwhelms me actually, when in the past I was energized, confident and eager to have fun and spend time with a special person.

...

I guess I'll wrap up with some thoughts about validation.  On these boards you'll find tips about validating feelings, not lies.  That's good advice.  But in practice, I've found that talking endlessly about negative feelings and purported slights/abuse/grievances is counter-productive.  You see, the pwBPD doesn't seek context, perspective, understanding or closure.  She's not looking for resolution, or to move on.  My opinion is that the more she rehashes the negative feelings and accusations out loud, the worse she gets.  I think if you "validate" her too much, what's happening is that you're essentially rewarding her negative thinking patterns with attention, and she's incentivized to continue!  So in my experience, I think that a time out might work better.  I guess that's why the recommended treatment for BPD isn't talk therapy (i.e. to explore thoughts and feelings for greater understanding and self-knowledge), but DBT.

why do they all seem to say that? 'you're never there for me when I need you' when there are a million examples of how you are. That always confused me. I could have literally done something very selfless and I'd hear it all the time.