It's hard when someone has behaviors that remind us of our mother. I've also had this experience. Sometimes the person is like my mother but sometimes they have a similarity in some way but aren't like her- yet it feels like they are.

I also would be feeling uncomfortable hearing the neighbor banging around. I think a quick relief would be noise blocking headphones, and also a sound machine when she starts doing this. A chain lock so she can't somehow come into your place, and you feel safe inside.

You could ponder whether you could make concessions.  You could assure her that you would always be with the children.  For whatever reason - probably dealing with her childhood FOO - she doesn't trust your family.

That is not uncommon.  My then-spouse feared abductors were lurking behind every bush and eventually cast my own elderly parents as abusers even though they too were in their 80's.  It kept getting worse until about a year or two later our marriage failed and then the court - the Real Authority - stepped in and set a schedule (boundary) where her parenting time was hers and my parenting time was mine.

It's an irrational fear but you're unlikely to fully convince her by reason and logic enough to totally set that perception aside.  But perhaps just enough...

The disordered neighbor is right now sweeping and banging around in the HOA storage space adjacent to my house where my sand bags are stored. I realize now she reminds me of my mother with BPD who would go on these mad cleaning binges. My mother would do something like burst into my bedroom without knocking, demand I immediately sweep the garage, get mad it did not happen immediately, do it herself and then berate me for not doing it. It feels so uncomfortable being in my house and hear her banging around outside. I avoided her today which is really my only choice. Soon I will hopefully have my peace again once she is done. Right now I feel angry. She just lives too close to me and is so obsessed with controlling the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. The other neighbors have fewer problems with her as they live further away. She is elderly and deteriorating mentally. I have to remind myself things do eventually change. She will not be my neighbor forever.

By the time I got divorced, I was done going over what ifs.  All I had was regret over the times I tolerated her nonsense.  But in my situation, having a kid with her who I love very much and am happy to have them in my life, I couldn't really engage in what ifs, because I know that had I put my foot down up front and said "It's not okay to talk to me like that" and called out her behavior, and ended it when I started getting endless excuses and blame shifting, instead of giving her another chance and rationalizing away why she did what she did or said what she did that it would have just ended sooner and I wouldn't have my daughter. 

So I really don't go down that path... if you treated a pwBPD as you should have, all you get is a relationship that ends earlier, if it even starts.  The only way to "win" is not to play... it's like running on a  hamster wheel.

I think, reading through your list of "What ifs..." what strikes me is that even if you had done everything right, you'd still be facing these same situations over and over again because the problem wasn't anything you did or didn't do, the problem was in his head; it was his way of behaving and his morals or lack thereof.  He would've found someone to cheat with eventually; it wasn't because of you. 

And so forth.

Letting go of someone isn't easy, and ( as I understand it) that's even harder for a pwBPD, given how they crave attention and contact, and have a need to use that contact with others to fill the void in themselves.  They'd rather have negative contact with someone than no contact with anyone, and will go as far as to picking pointless fights to get what they want, rather than just live in peace.

So I think that can explain some of why she's sending you these extended manifestos. 

I would wager that if she had someone else, she would be contacting you a lot less; has nothing to do with whether she's suffering or not. 

That being said, the best advice I received was "ignore the editorial": quickly scan the email, and decide if there is anything objective to respond to, and if so, do that.  Ignore the rest, or dismiss it with a polite "received.  thanks for reaching out."

So for example, you get something like:


Now you might get triggered by this... after all, it's not true!  You're rarely late, and you always considered her feelings!  Maybe even to a fault!  But you should know that there's no way to convince someone of that, when they're throwing out baseless allegations in the first place. They're not interested in resolving anything, they just want your time, and if they can only get that by provoking an argument, so be it.  So only one part of that deserves a response: the pick up time.  you respond:


This is consistent with Bill Eddy's "B-I-F-F" Method of responding to high conflict people:  Keep your response Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. That takes the wind out of their sails, i.e. doesn't give them anything they can argue with further.

"Thanks for your message.  As you know our separation agreement states I have the kids this weekend beginning when school gets out. I will pick them up then."

They can try to spin that further, but there's no need for you to keep responding!  You provided all the information needed.  If or when these messages end up in court, one party is going to come across as argumentative and difficult, and it won't be you.

I finally talked to my mom about the situation and it was nothing I had expected,  my momis fine... My niece had decided to spill the beans on how we talked about this whole bridesmaid situation before (1 day before) I had talked to them as a group about telling them both to stand down. I had spoken to my niece to gage how my sister would react and then now it is more so how I couldn't talk to my sister and how she now thinks I put her in a bad spot with her daughter because I can talk to her and not my sister... so that is the latest.

this is when I learned about bpd and I have tried a great deal to implement what I learned.

Yeah, that's the healthy way to view it- move on and let your mind focus on the present, the future.  The relationship you had ended and even if you do get back together, it's going to be a different relationship given what you've both gone through.  So it's very healthy to let that chapter of your life end...and focus on what the next chapter will be.

I know it's so incredibly hard and I feel for you.  Everyone here felt exactly the way you feel right now and it does take time to adjust.  Just know that you didn't cause this and she made her decisions based on a bad stretch of mental illness and disordered thinking.

I think you did well with your conversation with your step father.

I think the "managing" other's feelings is something we here relate to. It's been a survival skill we learned in our own families growing up. That you are aware of it and can rationalize it when speaking to others is a good way to manage this.

Thank you for this advice.  I put it into practice in my phone call this week and my stepfather and I had a really good conversation.  When he said something about my mother that I didn't agree with, I just listened and asked him how that memory made him feel.  When he said something positive about my mom that I actually agreed with, I was able to make a sincere comment.  We ended our call talking about future plans and projects and it felt like we were making progress on how to communicate without my mother being the central subject.

Reflecting back on how I interacted with my mom, stepdad, husband, and my own children, I see how I was always trying to manage (control) them so that mom didn't lash out at them or at me. I fall back into old patterns sometimes, worrying if someone is angry or upset until I remember something fundamental - they're not my mom.  Even if these people are upset, I know they'll talk to me in a rational, respectful way, seeking to find solutions, not hurt me.  It's like I was walking around all my life with weights on my feet and I thought it was normal.  What an incredible amount of energy I wasted on that woman.