I think that indirectly you've hit on a central BPD trait, which is general negativity.  She's prone to complaining about all sorts of things, right?  She gets attention when she complains, and so she might actively find things to complain about.  She says she hates the carpet, and yet she also hates the idea of replacing it, because of the change, disruption, temporary discomfort and maybe the cost.  Yet she pesters you to take care of the carpet, to have her needs met, while also controling you (and getting extra attention from you).  But when you take action, she delays . . . maybe to defer making a decision, to avoid a disruption, and also to reclaim your attention.  For the moment it sounds like the carpet is her primary worry.  But if it weren't the carpet, it would probably be something else, maybe something that you did "wrong" in her eyes.

Here's another related BPD trait:  not really knowing what she wants.  That might be linked to a poor sense of self, as well as shifting moods.

There's another explanation, which is the desire to have her cake and eat it too.  It's impossible to replace a carpet without pulling out the old one.  She wants both but can't have them, and the cognitive dissonance is making her grumpy, making her change her mind.

Should you choose to end it one day- that is your choice but I think for now, with your anxiety and his living there- it may be more difficult to do it. It is possible to slowly cool things down- spend less time with him, more with your H for now. You will know what to do in time.

The back and forth-  all in with you, then not- that is typical of BPD. For now, don't take action - don't abruptly end it, because, I think it's better to be non-reactive- it doesn't add to the drama.

Your part is to take care of your feelings. PwBPD are overwhelmed with their own feelings. When you approach him with yours, it's overwhelming. He may not be able to handle that. Whether or not he wants to- he probably can't.

His focus on his co-worker- this is his current idealization. One doesn't even know what the other person is thinking or if she even wants this. Unless something happens between then, think of this as being like a teen age crush on a pop star. Don't react to it, that adds to drama. Time will tell if it goes anywhere.

To a greater or lesser extent, life  with a disordered person involves some level of mental illness.  Too often the acting-out PDs (Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, Histrionic) become overwhelmingly negative.  You might want to ponder how much negativity you want to have in your life.  Sure, there re ups but in time the downs become excessive.

Think of a roller coaster.  At first it's exhilarating, it's new and exciting, but before long you get motion sickness and nausea.  Next thing you know you're back at the start again, right where you started.  Life with  a pwBPD has been compared to an endless roller coaster.  Is there enough upside to make the downside worth your while?


There the ages-old fable of the frog and the scorpion. A scorpion wants to cross a river but cannot swim, so it asks a frog to carry it across. The frog hesitates, afraid that the scorpion might sting it, but the scorpion promises not to, pointing out that it would drown if it killed the frog in the middle of the river. The frog considers this argument sensible and agrees to transport the scorpion. Midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway, dooming them both. The dying frog asks the scorpion why it stung despite knowing the consequence, to which the scorpion replies: "I am sorry, but I couldn't help myself. It's my character."

Sometimes the only thing we can say about poor behavior is, "that's what it is".

"Be careful what you wish for" is a longtime trope in fables and literature.  I saw they based this movie partially off the "Monkey's Paw" Halloween episode of the Simpson's, which was itself based on an earlier story that had been adapted many times.  There are also precedents in Greek mythology.  Someone gets their wish, but in the process, some awful calamity occurs as part of it.  Like the frogs who summon King Stork.

I'm curious if he had any experience with BPD though... it's an interesting twist.

yeah it was pretty crazy. the weird faces she'd make. Screaming at him like a banshee. Some of the lines she had. Mini PTSD flashback for me He was definitely selfish in that movie. He isn't a victim. Made a silly choice that came to fruition then ran with it in the face of horrible events. Super good movie for anyone into supernatural horror! It would trigger all of us given our pasts.

Your dilemna made me think of a time my dad was living in a cabin behind our house and his health was declining.  I kept asking him to move in with us and every time, there were reasons to wait a few more weeks, it's too hot out today, I'm too busy, etc.  This went on for months...maybe even a year?  I can't remember exactly but it went on for a long time.

Finally, my BPD ex-wife (who I didn't realize had BPD at the time) said to my dad in a stern voice, "<Name>, you're moving in with us this weekend.  I'll be over tonight to pack your stuff and we're getting this done now.  You're not living alone any longer."

My dad sort of stared at her for a moment and said, "Yeah, okay."

I thought, "What the heck?!?"  But that's how my mom always talked to my dad when he was hesitant, she'd just tell him how it was and he'd comply.  And I realized that the actual problem was giving my dad options to decide on his own.  He was getting a little senile, his vision was fading, he barely cooked for himself, and I was beating around the bush like he should have had the final say.

I shared that little story to say this- tell your mom you're doing the carpet this weekend, it's already been arranged, and it will cost more money to cancel than just letting them finish the job.  That let's her get past her indecision because it's no longer an option- it's happening regardless.

Maybe she gets mad at you, but she can be mad while enjoying new carpet and that gets it off your to-do list.

Ooh, I watched the previews- no thank you.  That's not my kind of movie anymore and it might hit too close to home.

However, from the preview, I hate that he cast a wish to make all that happen.  Why?  He got what he wished for and it was entirely his own fault.  Call it a curse or whatever, but he's not the victim in my book.  It would have been a better plotline if she was just bananas from the very start but was super kind to him.

right.  like there is a horror movie type script there: a normal marriage ends at death ("til death do you part") but these wackjobs want some sort of eternal control over you?  Why?  What the heck are they thinking?

When she would bring it up, I would demur and say "If I die before you, I'd WANT you to find someone else and be happy" and try to change the subject. 

I suppose all these things were mentally going in my "reasons to divorce sooner than later" file. 

Thank you Notwendy and Forever Dad for responding. Your input is always thoughtful and helpful.  I am finally getting what was so upsetting for me so I can move on. The way the flying monkey talked to me like I was the problem felt terrible: the contempt in her voice, the lies, putting me down while pretending to be nice at times to manipulate me into disclosing if I would be in town, likely to reassure my sister with NPD that I would not be there.

Then I started thinking about how absurd all of this is. The flying monkey and her sister are planning a complete celebration of life for their mother with church service, burial service, big dinner, numerous close family members attending who live far away who will stay in a large rented house for several days. What is so absurd is the mother has been dead for over five years. The flying monkey did not like her mother. I talked to a friend about this and felt so much better. I am not crazy; the flying monkey and her sister are.

I also realized that the flying monkey is likely a narcissist. She has always wanted to be recognized as one of the golden brilliant children in the family even though she is not gifted intellectually. I can remember how upset she was when her younger sister was chosen for the gifted program and she convinced her to drop out. The younger sister never did well in school and nearly flunked out of college. The flying monkey is recently divorced again. I made some comment about how she always seemed to be doing things alone when she was married.  She immediately got defensive saying some pretty superficial things about all that she and her ex husbands did together like in one long marriage taking three trips together.

My challenge is to limit the interactions. I only answered the phone call because it came from an area of the country where I have many relatives. I need to screen unknown calls, though I do not regret picking this one up. It really helped me to see where I stand with the family And to be more firm about setting healthier boundaries with the family and all their flying monkeys.

I have recently realized that at some level I knew that I was a scapegoat of the family at an early age. I never have really been interested in many of my relatives. My sister with NPD was one of the golden children and always has loved the narcissistic supply she receives from most of the family.