There are two views about how the children are impacted by their parents' divorce. Keep in mind, first, that the decisions about the adult relationship are not up to the children. Therefore, the children need to be kept out of the adult conflict. Kids should not be put in the middle. More or less, kids don't want to choose one parent or the other.
Their mother is claiming that a divorce will harm the children. Yet there are millions of children who have divorced parents. Maybe their lives aren't optimal, a positive and united family environment is generally the best case scenario. But consider the conflict, especially the continued high conflict... that has a huge impact on children. Continuing the existing framework is not a recipe for success.
On the other hand, what impact does divorce have when the constant tensions are reduced, when parents lives separately, and the children aren't so directly exposed? The conflict and chaos won't be so omnipresent in their lives. The children will benefit, especially since they will over time notice the contrast between a normal home versus a dysfunctional one.
There is no single fix that resolves all the concerns. However, there are partial solutions that can improve circumstances. Many here faced with this quandary eventually turn to the courts to enable giving the children part of their lives calm and stability in a separate home.
Part of my leaving is so that my kids at least have one place they can go to that is stable and where they can feel safe and not be verbally abused.
Exactly!
Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.
That's why we recommend that the more reasonably normal parent seek and strategize to gain as much custodial authority and parenting time scheduled and
from the very start. Why? Our sort of BPD divorce cases usually take one or even two years. If we start off with a lousy temp order then it means the children suffer that much longer before the divorce ends in a final decree. And the risk is that the court will conclude that if a lousy temp order seemed to "work" for that long then it may morph from temporary to final.
Likely your children would benefit from counseling, if they're not already in counseling. (Your ex might oppose that, but court would likely side with you. As my lawyer told me years ago, "Courts love counseling.") Your example - and the input of counselors, even school counselors too - will help the children to be balanced in their selection of mentally healthy relationships in their own lives as they mature and grow into adulthood.