Hi,

I'm sorry I'm coming late to this. The evidence and data on the success of DBT therapy is based only on certified DBT programs, so if you do have access to one, I would definitely choose that first.

Why? It's intensive. It includes one group skills session per week, one individual therapy session per week, and access 24/7 to the therapist for support in using skills before the loved one takes actions that might be harmful, whether drinking or cutting or suicide attempt, etc.

In addition, the program requires the therapists to meet as a group about their caseload to get support from other therapists, too. That's important because it provides them with care as they manage pretty difficult patients and their actions.

DBT-certified therapy is a gold standard, but if that's not available, I certainly think your child's willingness to do therapy anywhere should be followed up on.

Hi,
So much great advice here, and the comment from Pook about failing and trying again in all 4 suggestions is spot on!

I wanted to mention that NEA-BPD is an organization that has free classes for loved ones and while you wait for a spot (sign up - it can take weeks to months), they also have a lot of videos on the site that teach skills and explain what we are dealing with. It's all evidence-based, drawn from DBT and leading scientists.  The class is called Family Connections, and it is excellent.

Other places I find community? Reddit groups. Facebook groups. I also use ChatGPT to distill my thinking and get ideas for how to word things. You have to be intentional about telling it to only use evidence-based strategies and prove where they came from, but I do find it helpful.
I'm really sorry - I am pretty much in crisis with my child continually, so I do understand that desperate feeling. And like Pook and others have said, perhaps the hardest part is accepting that our relationship with our child - right now - has to be different than societal norms and typical maternal instincts would lead us to.

In fact, our maternal care and empathy can often fuel this behavior, and taking a step back, regulating our own emotions and leading with self-respect where we stop participating in their abusive conversations are just baby steps that do help.

Hi,
Glad you found this place. It's been super helpful and nice to just have a community that gets it when almost no one does. I have a child, not diagnosed and would never ever think they contribute to issues. Not a difficult child at all, but these big reactions and now rage and blaming emerged about 4 years ago.

I've done nearly everything wrong along the way, but normative things for typical child-parent relationship. Slowly, through experience, therapy, and reading I'm coming to acceptance that right now, I can't be a typical mom because what a normal mom reaction would be feeds anger and dysregulation. That's tough to accept and even tougher to live with, at least for me.

Like you, I'm coming to the end of the road, where I can go right or left or up or down without it spurring a rage at me, so I'm probably returning to very low to minimal contact. The child still has contact with the other parent and siblings, because the rage is directed at me primarily.

Anyway, I wanted to say that from all of the stories on this forum and others, if we are not careful about adjusting how we parent, we will get pulled into the spiral and that may last for years, or much of our life without any change to show for it. So, we learn skills to potentially avoid raging situations, not make things worse and find peace, regardless of whether our child does.

Yes, as you confirm, it works as long as your agreement seems convincing enough for them. But I do not recommend just blindly agreeing with her thoughts, such as her new perspective of politics, because, like you said, this can be easily tested, and she will feel offended once she notices that you are faking to agree with her thoughts.

What I do recommend, if you feel comfortable in doing it, is to agree to a label that she has put on you. Because when you do that calmly, you make it clear for her that the label won't hurt you or provoke you into conflict anymore.

Does that make sense?

I think it is important to understand why this works. According to the theory on endorphins (natural opioids in the brain), the core issue behind BPD is the low endorphin activity. But feeling loved is one of the natural ways of boosting it.

Endorphins are primarily activated by feelings of:

• physical pain (as in self-harm or a physical fight)
• high stress (as in consequences of self-sabotage)
• intense emotions such as extreme joy (as in idealization and love bombing)
• excitement (as in sexual overstimulation or recreational drugs)
• profound love (which also releases oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, etc.)

The challenge is how to feel unconditional and permanent love for someone when this person is doing the opposite with you (being hostile/aggressive, screaming at you, accusing you unfairly, lying to you, etc.). In this sense, I'm afraid Pook075 has a special talent (which I don't).

Hi Rowdy ,


I see your point, that whatever drama you add to the life of pwBPD, they will stick to it through life and keep talking about it, right? Well, that's not precise.

When they bring up stuff, this is an unconscious attempt to reproduce it and feel themselves in a threatening situation again, but while they do it, they try to avoid the consequences. For instance, the suicide "attempts" are not actually intended to kill. Yes, among all BPD patients that attempt suicide, 10% of them actually die, but this is almost always an accident. A person who actually wants to die doesn't tell anybody about it and rarely fails.

In this video, you can see an example of a girl who tried uncountable suicide attempts until she threw herself in front of a train, and then ... well, she lost a leg but didn't die. A real suicide is not done in this dramatic fashion, and whatever is done targets the head, not the legs.

So, how does this translate to a relationship? The rule is simple: they only go for behaviors in which they don't care about the consequences, or they feel like they have some control over the consequences and can avoid the worst.

If you have a secret affair and she knows it's just for extra adventure, then she will haunt you on that and keep bringing this up for years later. But when there is a clear risk of you leaving her for this other woman, then she will behave like a princess to try to keep you close.

Similarly, if you pretend that you are interested in someone else and you are open about it, and she feels truly threatened by it and feels like any drama would push you further away, then she will make her best effort to please you and make you want to stay.

Then in the future she won't want to create drama over it, because she will be afraid that it could happen again (even knowing that it was fake). Maybe if she feels really safe to talk about it, she may bring it up, maybe when drunk, but not with an aggressive attitude, but just opening up like a normal person does.

All of what I said is confirmed by my 25+ years of experience with 4 different disordered partners, in which BPD was the issue most of the time.

So yes, I think faking a gay affair would have a positive effect on the relationship, as long as she does think that it is real and legitimate. If she feels like it is just a way of pressuring her or taking revenge, then it will backfire.

Title should read "Back again with more drama "

I was on here a few years ago and you were all so helpful and kind. It's tough on this bpd island.

We have had a relatively quiet year or so but in the past week and a half everything has imploded. My daughter and I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago and she has not been happy. She doesn't like him, is rude, doesn't go to school, mostly won't take medication or eat regularly. My son recently moved in with us and she is not reacting well. She tells me she considers him an "opp" and doesn't want him to be here (he is 18, she is 16). I think she wants me for herself.

Everything came to a head the weekend before last when she and my partner had an argument. She accused him of giving her a black eye and the police were called. I was not home but I have cameras in the house and I have known this man for 8 years. That did not happen. The police never came, but she is continuing her accusations and now DHS is involved. They came out and interviewed her, her brother (who was home) and me. We haven't heard back from them (approx one week fin interviews).

Today, she is angry at me because I did not rent an apartment for her, a thing she has wanted since she accused my boyfriend of hurting her. She began yelling at me and then started punching herself in the face over and over again, asking me if this was what I wanted. She is bigger/stronger than me and she was physically preventing me from leaving the room. I ended up calling 911, I want them to come and take her to the hospital. I'm so tired of the constant drama, the accusations, the manipulation. Idk if the police will actually come but I truly believe she is a danger to herself or the rest of us.

I love her so much and this breaks my heart but she needs help. She caused so much chaos here, but I always feel so conflicted. 

I was raised by a mother with BPD, and I am now a doctoral doing a study about adults who were raised by a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The survey asks about what life was like for you growing up and your current stress and well-being. It takes about 15–20 minutes. Your answers will be kept private, and you can stop at any time.

You can take part if:
• You are 18 or older
• Your mother has diagnosed BPD or you suspect your mother has BPD
• You lived with your mother for most of your childhood

If you meet these requirements and want to join the study, please click the link:

https://spalding.questionpro.com/adultchildrenofmotherswithBPD

Thank you for thinking about taking part. Your answers may help researchers understand this group better.

Hello,

I am new to this. This post is just to help me acclimate to how this works.