You absolutely can do this for 10 more years...you simply remove the toxic patterns from the interactions and place your own self-worth above hers.  If she gets ugly, you leave or hang up or block further messages.  The abusive stuff instantly stops and you have the power to do that at any time.

Now, pushing back and asserting boundaries will make things worse before it gets better...be prepared for that because it's 100% normal.  I mean, who actually likes new rules in our lives?  So she'll push back and that's when you must state that you're not arguing or accepting abuse.  If it doesn't stop, you walk away.  And you do this every time until a new pattern forms.

At the same time though, you can still be loving, caring, compassionate, etc.  I'm not saying to be mean or ugly.  I'm simply saying to teach right from wrong like you would a child. 

When things are normal, that's fantastic and you can have fun together.  When things are ugly, you ask them to stop and if they don't, you withdraw.  And if they escalate, you dial 9-1-1.  Doing this process over and over again makes your intentions crystal clear...you're not going to walk on eggshells anymore.  And maybe you're the one that's cut off for awhile.  That's fine though, it's still getting the boundaries across and refusing to be abused.

I hope that helps!

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Hi everyone,
​I’m turning 30 in two days, and I’m standing at a crossroads that feels more like a minefield. I’ve been with my partner for 10 months. She is officially diagnosed with BPD, but the situation has devolved into a psychological horror show.
​Here is the full picture:
​The Living Situation & Hypocrisy: She lives for free in a house owned by my parents. Despite their total financial and material support, she despises them and insults them behind their backs. More twisted? She constantly reproaches me for her "dependence" on us, biting the hand that feeds her while refusing to leave.
​The "Conditional Love" Trap: She tells me she loves me, but she explicitly stated that this love is entirely conditional on her becoming pregnant. If there is no baby, there is no love. I am not a partner to her; I am a biological means to an end.
​The Baby Trap & Sex as a Weapon: She recently admitted she was "waiting for me to be so sexually frustrated (the 'itch') that I would finally give in and agree to a baby." It’s not intimacy; it’s a hostage negotiation.
​The Secret Contempt: I discovered her private logs with an AI. She describes me as "limited," "boring," and "unintelligent." To my face, she is the "sensitive victim," but in her mind, I am a sub-human tool she uses for housing and procreation.
​The Emotional Blackmail: Yesterday, she had a breakdown crying in a midwife's waiting room after hearing a baby. She then blamed me, saying that "because of the emotional shock I caused her," she won't get pregnant anyway—using her own biological cycle as a weapon to make me feel like a murderer.
​We had sex recently, but I felt like a ghost. I’m planning my exit, but the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is heavy, and the "anniversary pressure" for my 30th on Jan 12th is closing in.
​How do you deal with someone who admits their love is conditional? How do you leave when you know they will play the "homeless victim" card after trashing the very people housing them? I need a massive reality check.

Hi everyone,
I’m turning 30 in two days, and I’m standing at a crossroads that feels more like a minefield. I’ve been with my partner for 10 months. She is officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but despite the diagnosis, the dynamic has become unbearable.
Here is the current situation:
The Living Situation: She lives for free in a house owned by my parents. Despite their generosity, she despises them and insults them behind their backs.
The Baby Trap: She is obsessed with having a child. She recently told me she was "waiting for me to be so sexually frustrated (the 'itch') that I would finally give in and agree to a baby." It felt like a hostage negotiation.
The Secret Contempt: I recently discovered her private logs where she uses an AI as a confidant. She describes me as "limited," "boring," and expresses deep contempt for who I am. Yet, to my face, she plays the victim.
The Emotional Manipulation: Yesterday, she had a breakdown crying in a midwife's waiting room because she heard a baby cry. Hours later, she told me, "Because of the emotional shock you caused me today, I won't get pregnant anyway." It’s a constant cycle of guilt-tripping and biological threats.
We had sex recently, but I felt completely detached, like a "last time" to reclaim some power. I know I need to leave, but the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is heavy, especially with my 30th birthday on Jan 12th.
Since she is diagnosed, I’m realizing that my "good heart" won't fix this. Has anyone else dealt with a partner who uses their diagnosis to justify this kind of secret contempt and "baby-as-a-weapon" tactic? How do I break the cycle when the biological clock is being used as a gun to my head?
Any reality checks before I blow out my candles would be appreciated.

Thank you both for the very wise counsel. It is clear to me that I have zero control over this situation and most others if I am honest with myself. Over 10 years together, I have rushed to help or save something that clearly could not be saved by me. The conflict it creates leaves us both distant, and has resulted in my children removing themselves from her life. They are adults and feel it is in their own best interest to stay away. It doesn't seem to get any easier. Good to hear that I am not alone. I have been working with my own therapist to figure out if I can do this for another 10 years. I'm not sure that I can.  Thank you for the reply.

Hi, and thank you all for your engagement. I've reflected a bit on what people have said about differentiating between what I called "quiet BPD" and just BPD. I can see that I'm using the term to downplay my situation. From reading here and knowing other pwBPD, I guess I think that my partner's behaviors are not as rough as others, and that I should be able to handle it. But despite all that, I'm deeply questioning if I really can in the long run. When it's good, it's good, and then something happens and I return to this forum in a haze, grasping for understanding, until I forget again.

Something that's coming up for me in these considerations is a feeling that's probably familiar to y'all: immense guilt. How can I consider ending the relationship when I'm sure she'll use it as evidence that she's unloveable? I feel so guilty imagining causing her this deep pain, but I also feel like I'm not living true to my own values when I stay in a relationship that I don't feel emotionally capable of and that I feel quite distant from. How do you handle being in this place of inner conflict? How do I deal with this guilt? I have recently started attending indivudal therapy, and I'm hopeful about having a space to air some difficult thoughts, but as always, I really appreciate the life experiences of people in this group.

Hi GrayJay,

I got interested in your post and took the time to read all of your previous ones. I'm interested because I believe that I have the explanation for what's happening in your life, the solution for that, and finally why this got so much worse after so many years.

In theory, BPD comes from an invalidating environment in childhood. So usually they didn't get enough reassurance and affection, at least not to the level they were needing, and then developed poor ways of dealing with it. So the accusations of you being disordered might be a projection of how they felt about their caregivers in their childhood.

When you stop directing your energy on them, strongly enforce boundaries, and redirect your energy on yourself, they see you as selfish and then call you a narcissist. Then they may provoke you as a last effort to rob your attention by saying the nastiest stuff to take you out of balance. But if you don't shake and don't cry, then they may accuse you of being a robot or a psychopath, someone without emotions.

Like you, I had already done some research to verify if their accusations made any sense, but I used self-assessment tools and then went directly to the diagnostic criteria from the DSM, so I quickly noticed it was nonsense.

I have seen this pattern with 3 of my wives, who are all affected by BPD, but not in my HPD partner. But if you pay close attention, you'll notice that this is a transient opinion, which they only withstand while they are devaluing you.

If you try to talk about her opinions in a moment that is being very joyful, you'll notice the difference. She might not want to simply drop the accusations because that would make her completely lose her self-confidence, but you'll notice that she won't be as sure as she was in the other moments when dysregulated. I know you might not want to bring it up in joyful moments because you are afraid of triggering her and ruining the moment. But talking about it when she is not dysregulated might be a beneficial activity (as long as it's a warm conversation and she remains stable).

One of the reasons why you care about what she says is because she is not a stranger. She is your wife. But as you notice that this is a transient opinion, it might not become so important for you anymore. And before taking the next step, it's important that you understand the volatility of her perceptions, because that will make you less worried about what she says. So please take the courage to bring it up in a moment that things are all good between both of you, but make sure you are doing it in the most lovable way that you can, while seeking to understand how she feels rather than expressing your resentment. Hopefully, you both still have peaceful moments together, do you?

Ok, now here is how you make her stop calling you a narcissist: You agree with her! In essence, inside her unconscious mind, it will feel like you're finally agreeing with her that her caregiver acted in a narcissistic way toward her in some moments of her childhood and that this interaction was traumatizing for her. What feeling will she have after that interaction? Relief, and finally the validation of her feelings.

Ok, I know that in my suggestion I'm telling you to validate a distorted perception of hers, and that can make BPD distortions worse. But here it's different because you are the one being accused, so it will have the opposite effect. Let's assume you get angry at your job and keep bullying/provoking your coworker, calling him gay. Then, unexpectedly, he publicly announces that he is homosexual. Would you continue with the behavior or choose to stop? Now imagine you call another coworker an idiot. But then he reveals that he has had brain surgery, that it lowered his IQ to 80, and that he has an official mental disability. Again, would you keep calling him an idiot? I guess you'd stop, right? So what have those two coworkers actually done? They agreed, and with that, they took control of the situation.

If you think about it, why would it be so bad to be a narcissist? Narcissists have problems in their job and their relationships and become irritated easily and very badly. But if you are retired and have friends and good relationships, then you would at least be a successful narcissist, right?

Accusing you of being a narcissist is the only way that she has found to express her own pain, and you'll then just be an actor for her by temporarily assuming the role of the narcissist. I say temporarily, because once you completely assume the label, she will then stop trying to convince you about it and over time will realize that she was wrong. What really matters is that she will stop pushing this campaign.

As a first step before agreeing, you might want to tell other family members that you'll agree with her accusations, but make sure that they won't tell her. Then, wait for her next round of accusations, and then do the agreement process gradually, in baby steps, so that it doesn't look like sarcasm.

To be continued...

Hi there,

I hope you take the time on your break to clear your head and plan your next response.  Look, my BPD stepdaughter recently lived with her dad and me for a few months, and over that time her behavior deteriorated.  She was supposed to be looking for work, but she was sleeping/napping excessively during the work week.  She was supposed to be working part-time, but she barely did.  She was supposed to be helping, and she really wasn't.  She was supposed to be saving up money to move out, but she wasn't, because she prioritized trips/cosmetic surgery/take-out foods.  She was supposed to be nice, and she increasingly wasn't.  Tensions mounted in the home and there were arguments, with lashings out, too.  During an argument that felt "manufactured" by my stepdaughter, her dad said he thought it was about time she left.  He was fed up, and she didn't want to be with us anyway (except for the free lodging/food).  She left and was basically forced to figure out her life.  It wasn't an ideal exit, and she's avoiding us right now, but I think it was for the best, because continuing on the downward spiral wasn't good for anyone.

I'm not saying your situation is the same.  But if you let your daughter scream at you and treat you so badly that you can't stand living in your home anymore, then that's not a situation you want to be facing long-term.  I understand there's grief involved, and that nerves are frazzled, and you can have some compassion there.  Sometimes there are temporary, uncomfortable situations that you feel capable of tolerating.  Most parents here have to endure rollercoaster emotions with their loved ones with BPD.  I guess the questions I ask are, do I feel abused? used? resentful most of the time?  That tells me the situation isn't working, and I need to enforce some boundaries, to preserve my own well-being.  The pwBPD is free to sabotage her life, but I can't let her take me down with her.  The thing with BPD is that limits and boundaries are constantly tested--her pain and disordered thinking is so extreme that she doesn't care one bit if what she's doing in the moment is hurtful to others.  Since she has no limits, you have to enforce boundaries to protect yourself.