Having a new baby changes the attention dynamics in the family. When each parent is emotionally mature, they can accept that a new baby requires a lot of attention. However, for your wife- your attention to the baby can feel like less for her. This isn't something to change- the baby is the one who needs care and you can't neglect the infant's needs- but it may be a contribution to the increase in your wife's BPD behavior.

Reading your post, I wonder if it's when you are holding the baby and attending to her that your wife "pushes your buttons"? Even if this is felt by you as a negative, it shifts your attention back to your wife. This is a reinforcer for the behavior to continue. If you don't react, she might escalate it.

I don't have advice on how to manage this but perhaps it gives you some insight to the situation. It may help to read about the Karpman triangle dynamics.  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
From my own perspective, pwBPD are in victim position. The previous dynamic between you and your wife may have been you as rescuer, in an emotional caretaker position, and her as victim, receiving that emotional care. However for an infant, the actual need of care is real. The baby is completely dependent on adults for her well being, and yet to someone with BPD- your wife may be feeling the shift emotionally as you deliberately not attending to her.

Also, often the insults are projections of her own insecurities and more about her and you.You may be the more competent caretaker for the baby. While it's understandable you may be feeling resentful at having to carry more of the work of parenting- it's actually what your baby needs- it's for the baby. That may not make the load easier but may ease some of the resentment for you.

Hello,

I just popped back up on these boards as I haven't been on them in a while.  Back in 2013 I caught my wife (pwbpd) in an affair with my neighbor.  She immediately abandoned me and our 2 sons, then 13 & 8.  It was very difficult at first but my saving grace (after my faith in Jesus) was my education I received on these boards.  I learned to take my focus off of that which was out of my control (my wife and her per choices and bad behavior) and to focus on the only thing in my control (My behaviors and my ministering to my hurting sons).  Slowly BUT STEADILY I was able to rebuild my life as a full time single dad and to move forward in an emotionally healthy way.

I know it may seem hard and painful in this early stage as it's all probably a shock to the system.  But stay strong, Live one day at a time and even  one moment at a time when necessary.  Don't try to suppress the tears when they come as they serve a purpose in your healing.  I also went to a group called Divorce Care with like these boards very instrumental in setting me free!!  You can do this!!

Sincerely,
MWC
Romans 8:28 

Hi Pluie,

Sorry for the pain you must have felt and will probably feel for some time as a result of reading that letter.  I had a similar experience when I uncovered the cell phone records of my then wife.  It was after I discovered her affair with a neighbor.  I was trying to reconcile and like you I even felt remorse for her.  But when I discovered her phone records, I realized that she had been lying to me and about me for most of our married life.  Like you it was devastating to be seeing that.  But you know what?  The day I discovered the TRUTH in those phone records was the day that my HEALING began.  THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!!  I felt like God had led me to those cell phone records because He knew it was time that I knew the truth.  Knowing the truth was when I took my focus off of her and started to focus on my healing as well as my sons healing.

I know it hurts but I hope that you too will now be able to focus on your healing because you were given the gift of revelation (TRUTH).  HANG IN THERE!!

MWC
ROMAND 8:28

It may become a blend of strategies.  If his tenants have a long term lease, do you know when it ends?  Well in advance before it ends or is time for possible renewal, you can perhaps ensure he learns that his days there are numbered.

The last thing you want is for him to claim he has nowhere to go or for him to assert that mother assured him he could stay.  Otherwise he he will obstruct and delay and these days courts in some areas are reluctant to evict, even squatters.

It would also be wise not to accept money from him since it could impute some level of tenancy.  Probably better for him to pay your mother?  Might need a legal opinion on that.

If your mother finds a better place for herself, it would be so much better for you that he moves before/when your mother moves.

One reason many arriving here feel stuck in "staying" is that it is so hard to change "what is", that it might turn out to be unproductive or even disastrous.  Yet, with forethought, strategies and planning it doesn't have to be that way.  So the recommendation for you to quietly seek confidential and private legal advice is wise.

It is often mentioned that when repairing damaged relationships, sharing is important to restore trust.  But when a relationship has clearly failed, then it is time to be very cautious about what you share - your options and strategies - or else you risk being sabotaged.

William Eddy's inexpensive but excellent handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder has helped many here protect themselves, not just from the discord and dysfunction but also from the many possible legal pitfalls when seeking a divorce from someone so uncooperative and obstructive.

As for that feeling of having no support... how supportive are your children?  While their childhoods may not have been normal ones, your influence over the years hopefully have had positive impacts.  For all you may know, they might wish for you to find a better outcome than what exists now.  And hopefully at least some or all of them could be your advocates.

Years ago, after my initial separation, I still didn't know what to do next.  Once I accepted my ex still disparaged me and didn't want to reconcile, I filed for divorce first.  I never regretted filing first.  It allowed me to proactively structure at least some of my post-marriage life.  Although every resource stated it legally didn't matter, I did feel better that I was the Plaintiff and not the Respondent.  For me that was a Boundary shaping action.  Though she posed as a victim - a very aggressive victim - I knew the reality and so did the System, eventually.

It is a very tough position to be in, I am so sorry for you! I just wanted to add my 2 cents about the last question you ask about what to say to your daughter, because I have found myself (and still do) in the exact same position.

I do not have nephews or nieces, but I am currently pretty much estranged from my brother. My first daughter is now 6. Our period of almost complete no contact started when she was 2, with a small window around the time she was 4. So she has met him, somewhat remembers him, although memories are fading.
I think the comment that others did about never lying, never hiding, and gradually revealing is key. The surprising thing you will most likely find out is how sensitive these kids are. At times we treat them as if they were pets running around us, assuming they don't follow or understand the "grown up talks", but they understand surprisingly well. My daughter asked me the first questions about my brother when she was 3, and every now and then she does. I get the feeling she is scared about asking questions about it, because she realises her dad feels awful when thinking about these things, and she doesn't like to see her dad like this.

Anyway, I told her that at times grown ups fight or have problems, and that these were because uncle is not feeling very well and has problems. I am always very wary of "talking badly" about him, he has a disease after all and I want her to slowly be able to understand this. I will add details as I see fit. I am also always carefull to tell stories about my family that include him, so she does not "forget" about him and she understands I am not judging him or hating him.

I also made a rule that if my brother tries to contact my children before they are 16, I will not permit it unless we are in good terms. When they are 18 or so, they will be adults. My job will be over, hopefully they will know all I had to tell them, and they will be able to deal with him in the best way they will choose.

A small update: I have been visiting my mum for a week and have talked about the situation in depth. Strangely, when I was there I got the impression she didn't actually want to go ahead and do kick him out, and it seemed this was for two reasons: first, I think a part of her is anyway (understandably) scared and worried at the idea of asking police to evict her son. Second, she is nearing her 80s, and the place where they live is not the kind of place where you would want to live in your 80s. Too isolated etc. So she is considering moving herself, instead of having him move out.
I got the feeling the main reason she wanted to kick him out was basically to do "the dirty work" in my place, and making him leave before leaving herself, to avoid having him destroying the house I own. I told her that will be my responsibility when it comes to it, and she does not have to do anything or live hell to do it for me. Anyway, she left me the contact of her therapist and lawyer to get an update on the situation from them directly from a clinical and legal point of view.

Today I called the therapist. She gave me a summary of her view on the situation. She thinks a gradual approach where my mum starts to leave more often for short breaks and then moves out might work better than a sudden eviction notice from the police to my brother. The main reason is that she thinks he is incredibly frail, and not at all able to accept anything like this and do anything on his own. So she is scared of what he would do if he was to receive such a news, including doing harm to himself or others. A more gradual approach instead would make him used to the situation and to living on his own. In her opinion, it is highly likely that once my mum moves out, he would move out as well. But he would not be able to go to my mum's, as she is thinking to move into an assisted living facility.

I am left much more relieved about the situation after talking with the therapist to be honest. It seems both my mum and my brother are supported in some way, and that is good to hear. I think the house I own might become off limit for a while, and there might be problems in the future, but honestly that is the part I am the least interested in at the moment. The important thing is there might be a way for my mum to get a bit of peace, for my brother to be forced to gradually leave the nest and for me not to get triangulated in again.
The only thing that remains strange is that my mum is still keen that I call the lawyer as well... Who I have really no idea what might say, but given the discussion I had with the therapist there is not much they should do, I think... Unless my mum was actually still considering kicking out my brother against the advice from the therapist... But that was not the impression I got from my mum last week!
I will wait to manage to have a proper conversation with my mum (which can only happen when my brother is away) before seeing if I still have to contact the lawyer...

Welcome back!  As much as no one wants to suffer or encounter overwhelming distress, as the saying goes, there is light at the end of the tunnel and life can get so much better.

Thank you for paying it forward!

One pattern I've seen over the years and particularly in my own family court hurdles is that courts are very passively reluctant to make major changes to custody and parenting time schedules.  Same goes for the associated professionals.

It's almost as though the court expects major fixes to be too shocking to the children, so they take a "least intervention that addresses the current situation" approach.  I recall my lawyer saying something like that and I remember thinking - or saying - "What if the child wants and needs big changes?"  My parenting in my divorce was like the markets, huge crash at the beginning and then stair stepping back up over time.

You may need to get the services of a trusted Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to represent the legal interests of the children.  I recall William Eddy observing that experienced lawyers don't make much money in such assignments and too often newbies find themselves overextended.  But beware, even there the GAL may go along with the court's passive pace and minimalist approach.  My son's GAL was great but it took a few years and a couple order improvements to attain an order that worked.

I was in your shoes once upon a time.  It's awful.  It may also seem overwhelming to try to think of a way out, or even just a path forward, but if you start to break things down into smaller tasks, it gets easier. 

And just thinking and planning can provide mental relief from the situation.  I found that planning my way out, and doing small things helped me cope with the situation better and not get so emotionally wrapped up in the fights my now ex-wife would pick.

First of all, see if you can get into therapy.  Just having someone to talk to helps clear your head and make sense of the chaos.  BPDers love to muddy the waters around who is right, who said what, who is justified in being angry, who was wronged, etc. and if you're struggling to make sense of this stuff it can help to talk it out.

Second of all, see if you can scrape together $500 or so and visit an attorney for a private, confidential consultation on what the divorce process looks like and what the likely outcomes would be for you.  I did this, and I maintain it was the best money I ever spent. 

Once you have a legal roadmap of the path forward, you can identify other tasks and information you should start gathering.

Of course, you may also decide you don't want to leave, in which case that can also be helpful to underscore in your own mind that you need to find ways to co-exist with teh pwBPD better, instead of looking for a way out. 


How isolated are you?  Can you at least call and talk to them?  If you had to leave and go long distance, could you at least do that?

Filing first often provides some legal advantages.  This is why you need to speak with an attorney.

Also, as an aside, his behavior with money is REALLY suspicious.  I think you also need to know what he's spending his money on and where it's going.  Speaking to an attorney could open the door to recommendations for a private investigator (although they are not cheap) who could collect evidence you could use in court. 

LASTLY: Keep all your preparations and notes on this confidential.  If you can have things sent to your work address, rather than home address, do that.  Or get a P.O. Box or something like that.