I was going to suggest this too.

Although visiting BPD mother was not easy, and I'd have some anxiety about it, BPD mother would hold it together when others were around. Behind closed doors, where others couldn't see was a different situation.

Like you, there was a sort of moral dilemma. To be NC with my mother- then an elderly widow, felt wrong. We would feel anxious about visits, even speaking to her on the phone sometimes. So how to manage this?

Visit with someone else along too, so we weren't alone- we felt safer, she was more likely to hold it together. But not a large group either- she felt anxious at larger get togethers. If this isn't possible- meet away from home, shorter visits.

Have an activity outside the house- go to lunch, or coffee. Avoid being alone in the house, or at least not long visits.

She lived at a distance so staying in a hotel gave us a safe space and we found it was less disruptive to her. She liked to have things a certain way at home and so staying there was a change for her.

She may start an emotional conversation. If you can listen, then OK. This is not reciprocal. Don't add your feelings to it. If it's too much, then end the discussion or find a way to leave. Expect to be blamed for whatever led to NC. Do not expect closure or accountability. If it were to happen- great-but realistically- not likely-  don't have expectations.

She may be triggered to vent to you. People in the closest position to the pwBPD may be the ones they project to. Have a plan for how to manage this for yourself. She will do/say what she does.

Moral support- have a therapist, a friend, someone you can call and talk to about the visit.

When you get home or after the call- elsf care- take walks, buy something nice to eat- do small caring things for yourself.

P.S.

I reread your post and wasn't sure if you were contemplating a phone call or meeting in person.  Since your sibling lives several hours away, I think I'd avoid any onerous travel requiring an "investment" of your time and money, because chances are, you might be disappointed.  I was thinking more in terms of a phone call.  My feeling is that you might have better luck meeting up with your sibling at a larger family event, such as a holiday dinner, where there will be a "buffer" of other people.  That way, your "investment" in travel won't be squandered if you and your sibling don't get along, because you will have spent time with your other relatives.  In addition, given the "buffer" of other people, chances are that your sibling will be on her best behavior--unless she is totally disordered and has meltdowns in front of the entire family.

If you were to meet in person, one-on-one, my suggestion would be to meet somewhere in the middle.  Why?  You won't be "invading" your sibling on "her turf."  You both make some effort to travel half way, making the reconciliation more "even."  If you are in a public place (a cafe, park, nail bar), chances are your sibling will be on her best behavior.  And you both have an easy exit if things go awry.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I'm weird, but I might propose an activity-based meet-up, as simple as a walk in a park.  I think there's something about walking side-by-side that makes the conversation flow a little easier, and it's OK to be silent for a while, too--there are all sorts of things to look at.  If the walk goes well, you can grab lunch or a coffee at a cafe, or make a little picnic. 

Hi there,

I totally get where you're coming from--just thinking about interacting with your pwBPD raises your anxiety level by an order of magnitude.  That suggests to me that maybe you need a little more time for no contact.  You could give yourself an excuse--you want to enjoy the summer, maybe the first one you've enjoyed in a long time.  If your sibling complains, there's your excuse:  you had a ton of fun this summer, and it flew by, you didn't realize how long it had been since you last spoke.

However, if you're determined to resume contact, my question is, do you need to rush into a one-on-one, live conversation?  Maybe you could start with something less intense--like a low-stakes text (Saw this and thought of you . . . hope you are well).  Maybe send a snapshot of a summer activity.  The hope is that she'll give it a thumbs up, and maybe share a similar picture herself.  I do that sort of thing with my siblings all the time--texting a snapshot of the beach, a weekend event, a critter in my yard--and they'll typically reply in a similar fashion.  How your sibling responds (in kind / with approval vs. a torrent of unrelated accusations and complaints vs. no response at all / blocking) will tell you if your sibling is ready for any sort of civil contact and reconciliation.  Think of it as dipping your toe into the water; if it's too cold, you can turn around and wait until it warms up a little, and then dip your toe in again.  How does that sound?

A relative who lives far away contacted my disordered sibling to see when we could meet and then when he came to town, we went to see my sibling together.

Is there any person who could contact your sister even though that person lives far away from her just to get a feel for how it might go if you contacted your sister?

I agree with the advice others have given for you personally to stay out of it, however, you could suggest a bit of advice to your daughter. 

Tell her mom that she either signs the title over to them, or they're going to have it towed, and your ex-would be stuck with the fees for impoundment and storage if she wants it back. 

Had a family member in a situation like this, where they were driving a car another family member loaned them, but that person was not responding to questions about the insurance and registration fees (the family member had offered to pay them since they were using the car, but just couldn't get a response).  They finally had to threaten to abandon the car on the freeway to stick them with the towing and impoundment fees, and then of course they got a response...

When faced with someone being difficult & unreasonable like this, I think you need to think of what leverage you have, and play hardball.  They won't like it, but as I've come to realize, if your ex is BPD, they're not going to appreciate any kind gestures, and will bad mouth you either way, so you might as well get the best deal you can in any interaction with them. 

Oh, Zachira!  That's such a good idea.  My sibling lives several hours away and does not accept that she has any issue.  I also can't think of anybody who could play that role. If you have any alternative thoughts, I would welcome.

I do like keeping in mind that this doesn't have to mean going back to full-strength contact.  I was thinking of just texting and saying I'd like to check in and asking her if there is a time that would work for her.  What do you think?

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder impacting the perceptions and behaviors of the individual.  Their moods can morph in a moment.  I recall an evening when I came home from work and my then wife was sitting on the couch telling me about her day.  Well, as she was speaking, she remembered some upset during her day and her face transformed into another person and the evening went downhill from there.  I hadn't triggered her, she had done it herself.  (Life even back then wasn't smooth, one day I could got to work with her all calm and normal but then when I got home she was ranting and raging.  Another day it could be the reverse scenario.  I just couldn't predict whom I would meet when I came home.)

If she is dealing with BPD, she may be dealing with many of these issues her entire life, with recovery measured in "How much" and "management" terms.  Unfortunately, you can't do this for her, it has to be her wanting to fix, to whatever extent, herself.  One the other hand, you and the professionals can help guide her to a better life and perception of life.

Another point to remember that many with BPD can't easily listen to those with whom they have close emotional connections.  It isn't logical, but it can be triggering.  One comment I read years ago was that it is hard for a pwBPD to truly listen when there is so much past emotional baggage of the relationship.  It's as if there is so much to overcome.  One concept is to build or rebuild Trust whenever possible.

That's what those trained to deal with this disorder aim to do.  They don't try to become emotional friends, they aim for Trust.  The author of "Get Me Out of Here" by Rachel Reiland who described her journey toward recovery stated she never even once touched her therapist during all her sessions.  Only once, as they ended their last session did they have a hug.  Trust made a difference.

A measure of recovery is possible.  (Of course, how much depends on the individual's determination.)  "Mindfulness" is a term you'll come across as essential in therapy.  The individual needs to learn how to review past behaviors and assess them.

Reconnecting can still be low contact. How do you plan to do so? Having a third party make the initial contact and with you if you intend to see her in person, could be safer and less stressful. People with BPD tend to behave better with other people whom they are not so invested in projecting their overwhelming emotions on.

I have a disordered sibling. I have a relative who helped set up a visit and went with me. It made a world of difference.

This makes a lot of sense.  I think what I"m most afraid of is that she'll be angry and I'll get a million nasty texts, calls, emails.I'll lose it and won't be able to function -- and I have a job to do and people I don't want to worry about me.

And I'm afraid that she'll cry and be sad. 

What specifically are you anxious about?

I understand how you feel and I've been there, but still...try to answer the question.  This helped me get rid of the anxiety.

You might say, I'm worried about what my sibling might say or do.  I'm worried about what they might tell others.  I'm worried it will all be a disaster if I go through with this.

All valid points.  But not a single one of those things are within your control.  You can't prepare for them and you'll have to make a decision once you're there- do you try to work through it or leave? 

That's what you can control and what you can prepare for.  If it gets ugly, walk away.  Then it's not ugly anymore.  If your phone blows up, turn it off and go back to temporary no-contact.  Then that's not ugly anymore either.  Prepare for and focus on the parts that you can actually control.

Again, I completely understand since I spent too many years of my life doing the exact same thing.  Once I shifted my focus though and thought about what I'm actually in control of, how I'll handle things, it put the power back in my hands to accept or reject the abusive behavior.