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 81 
 on: June 29, 2026, 11:49:59 AM  
Started by not2old2change - Last post by PeteWitsend
I do not actually feel better right now. I am scared. This could get really really bad. I know what I need to do, but getting there safely is going to be a challenge.

My attitudes and patterns have changed the past few months as I started to figure things out. It is hard to say if she has noticed. One thing that was a change is that I started to allow myself to show anger when she interrupted me. She has been doing this for many years, and I have tried talking to her about it. But when I started to get angry about it the behavior changed. She interrupts me a whole lot less now. But it seems to be a subconscious response, and she has not said anything about it.

I know that my anger (or any anger) is tough for her to handle. It is unfortunate, but the few times I have gotten really angry at her are the times that there have been changes. But I do not want her to be different because of fear.

But for the most part I do try to play the game.I keep doing all the things I have always done to keep things calm. Sometimes I dislike that I am doing it, but my therapist reminded me that I am doing it to keep myself emotionally safe.

There are some books on this site about ways to do the split. I really need to get and read one of those to help me find a safe way to extract myself.

Thank you for your time and thoughts.

I experienced something kinda similar, in that when I would lose my temper I noticed BPDxw would calm down. 

I would immediately regret the loss of self-control, and think to myself that I had "sunk to her level."  Perhaps that's why she would calm down?  She felt a measure of control in that she had provoked an expected response from me?  Paradoxically, when I'd stay calm, she'd get more unhinged. 

I expected her to use my anger against me, like "How dare you talk to me like that!" kinda stuff, but no, she would just calm down.

It seemed like she grew up around that sort of behavior; her parents were always attacking eachother, cutting eachother down, and her mom would get very hysterical.  There was apparently physical abuse as well, although she claimed it was only one occasion.  I doubt it given that her dad had a drinking problem for a long time, and there was by her own account mutual infidelity throughout their marriage.  Maybe that's the only sort of communication she understood? 

A guy who knew both of us told me after we were divorced that she expected me to hit her.  That was a line I never crossed, and would not cross, but as sick as it is to say, I think there was something to that as well.  Some people who grew up with violence and extreme emotional conditions might get accustomed to them and find comfort in them.

Anyways, don't let fear of what could happen deter you from what you feel you need to do.  Prepare for it, but don't let it control you. 

It's your life, you only get one of them, and if you don't want to spend the rest of it with a disordered spouse, it's your right to say so, and do so.  You don't need another reason, and you don't need to justify it to anyone.

All of us here who endured these miserable relationships have earned that right, and in my opinion are beyond judgment of anyone else, whether they're deciding to divorce a BPD-spouse, or go no-contact with a BPD family member. 

 82 
 on: June 29, 2026, 09:20:00 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by ForeverDad
I see a risk here that you feel you "can't pass by indifferently".  We can see that you're not an indifferent person, you have empathy and do try to help.  But there is a risk mixing an emotional relationship with a professional one.

Of course, members here are posting as peer support and not in any professional capacity.  I myself am not trained either as a mental health expert nor a family law attorney, so I'm an outsider, so to speak, looking in.  This is an observation of which I've become aware and have repeated here.

Here's a few reasons why, despite your close relationship, you've been unable to improve things.  First, society hasn't provided you with Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) tools and skills to deal with BPD.  Fortunately, we have a variety of topics you can browse.  Take advantage of our hard-won experience.

Second, there is probably too much emotional baggage of the relationship for your spouse to really truly listen to you.  That's not your fault, it's the nature of the disorder.

That's why focused therapy from a person which has no emotional connection has a better track record.
  (Counseling is great for everyone!)  Still there is no guarantee of an improvement.  Many persons with BPD traits (pwBPD) have intense levels of Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.

Here's a related observation I made recently after reading one of the books listed on our Book Club board.

Here is a prior post years ago which explains why I wrote that those of us parents and family members can't make much progress with those pwBPD close to us - the baggage of the relationships is quite a hurdle to overcome - but others trained and emotionally neutral sometimes can.

Can you help her?  Probably not, and you would be putting yourself at great risk.  The best person to help her would be a professional of some sort who allows no emotional attachment to blur the therapy and counsel the person should apply in his life.  This reminds me of a post I made recently.  This woman, after years of therapy, did recover from BPD but she emphasized her therapist always maintained a professional separation, no emotional strings.  If you tried to do that you could fail, your emotional ties would be used to sabotage you.

Have you read Get Me Out of Here — My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland?  It's a paperback account by someone recovered from BPD.  It was exceedingly tough for her, but it turned out well for her and her family.

What helped so much was that her therapist drew a strong line/boundary concerning their interactions.  Her therapist remained absolutely neutral emotionally, not even touching.  (That's why you bear so much of the brunt of her behaviors, because your spouse can't get past the past emotional baggage of the years of close relationship with you to really listen to you.)

That book ended on a high note.  Only when her therapy was completed, she got to hug her therapist for the very first and only time.

 83 
 on: June 29, 2026, 08:57:58 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Me88
Well, apparently I didn't just land on some landmark idea. Googling the movie's relation to BPD is everywhere haha the mood swings, anger, fear of abandonment Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) even people with BPD were saying they could relate. I was telling my parents I went through stuff like that and they were just blown away haha

 84 
 on: June 29, 2026, 08:11:15 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Kuroko
Welcome and sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment, rest assured that we know exactly how you're feeling as we've all experienced the same thing.

The fact that you mention you're still single is enough to keep her interested - though not necessarily for the reasons you want ie missing you and realising she's made a mistake and wants to reconnect. BPD's fear being alone and always want someone 'available' as an option if all else fails, or if their current partner is out of favour at the moment. Just because they try to get your attention does not mean they've 'saw the light' and know what they want. Sadly, they will play people - and their emotions - to get what they need at the moment.

Regarding her 'taking the first step', that's highly unlikely as, even though she may have caused the break-up, she will never admit it directly. She will aways be 'the victim'.

Yes, she may make you aware she's still there, such as checking your internet posts, casual texts, etc but don't hold your breath expecting a solid 'I was wrong, can we talk?' message.  My exBPD would never apologise or initiate actual contact but she would come into the pub where she knew I'd be and expect that to be her sign of apology. I - the innocent one - still had to go to her and make all the effort to get talking again and, idiot that I was then, I always did it.

As others have said, without her seeking professional help and being determined to see it through this will be the utterly draining and chaotic cycle you'll always get.

A year ago it looked very similar. She accused me of something absolutely monstrous, broke up, tried to "transfer feelings" to someone else. After some time, a fake account appeared, she started writing from it to explore the ground. When she knew I would take her back, she came back. The current situation seems similar, although now he officially has a partner and it's been almost 5 months. I think if by some miracle she tries to come back, I would be able to persuade her to therapy schemes. It's probably the biggest trap, but I feel sorry for her. As a psychologist, I can't pass by indifferently...


 85 
 on: June 29, 2026, 07:53:42 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Under The Bridge
Welcome and sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment, rest assured that we know exactly how you're feeling as we've all experienced the same thing.

I think I mentioned on one of the streams that I'm single, but that's it. I think that even if she wants to come back, she has to take the first step.

The fact that you mention you're still single is enough to keep her interested - though not necessarily for the reasons you want ie missing you and realising she's made a mistake and wants to reconnect. BPD's fear being alone and always want someone 'available' as an option if all else fails, or if their current partner is out of favour at the moment. Just because they try to get your attention does not mean they've 'saw the light' and know what they want. Sadly, they will play people - and their emotions - to get what they need at the moment.

Regarding her 'taking the first step', that's highly unlikely as, even though she may have caused the break-up, she will never admit it directly. She will aways be 'the victim'.

Yes, she may make you aware she's still there, such as checking your internet posts, casual texts, etc but don't hold your breath expecting a solid 'I was wrong, can we talk?' message.  My exBPD would never apologise or initiate actual contact but she would come into the pub where she knew I'd be and expect that to be her sign of apology. I - the innocent one - still had to go to her and make all the effort to get talking again and, idiot that I was then, I always did it.

As others have said, without her seeking professional help and being determined to see it through this will be the utterly draining and chaotic cycle you'll always get.

 86 
 on: June 29, 2026, 07:15:45 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Kuroko
Have you had any contact?  Or is this purely stalking?  If she's popping into livestreams, I'd talk to her directly (without talking to her directly, if you know what I mean).  Talk about being single and waiting for the girl you love to reach out and come back into your life.  Or say the opposite if that's how you feel.  But I'd let her know that you know anyway.

I think I mentioned on one of the streams that I'm single, but that's it. I think that even if she wants to come back, she has to take the first step. As for her nickname, what does she want to know?

 87 
 on: June 29, 2026, 06:50:18 AM  
Started by Biscuits - Last post by Notwendy
We all live together so i spend alot of time with both of i can . Sometimes he loves me and I can see the hate other times .

but when I get hurt its a physical reaction and im not good emotionally either.  Im struggling with my own depression and my anxiety 

hes soo centrally focused on himself and his job

Just some ideas on this dynamic. While it seems your boyfriend is not respecting your wish to not discuss his interest in his person at work, consider why this feels hurtful to you. It feels hurtful because you have strong feelings for him. This is normal, it's human nature- and when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate them- it feels hurtful.

He has feelings too- for someone else. We can't control anyone else's feelings. His feelings matter to him, just like yours matter to you. What you feel as disrespect, he feels as you wanting more from him than he is able to give you at this time. While what he said about needing you to be an "easier" girlfriend felt disrespectful, but it's also what he feels he needs.

When we are discounting our own needs, in order to meet someone else's, we can feel hurt, anxious, resentful. These are normal, human, feelings.

On monogamy- and I am not being judgmental or moralistic here- there are many reasons for this, and one of them is that when we have strong feelings for someone, it's an emotionally vulnerable situation. Monogamy helps us to be able to be vulnerable in a safer situation- when two people chose this- we worry less about them having feelings for someone else. It's not foolproof- nothing is, but it's safer emotionally.

Monogamy may seem repressive, restrictive- why not be free to love whoever you want, as long as everyone agrees on this? We can choose this but the consequence is a higher risk of feeling hurt, jealous, neglected, when the person we have feelings for also has feelings for someone else.

Think of it like driving. In which situation is someone the least likely to get hurt? When there are red, yellow, and green traffic lights and everyone is driving by the same rules or when there's only yellow and green lights? When you opened your relationships, you replaced the red light of "no other person" - with yellow ones. Yellow lights still have rules and agreements, like you have with your husband, but they aren't as absolute.

You and your husband seem to have a calmer relationship as you both agree on the same rules for being together. Your BF on the other hand, doesn't seem to be "driving" by the same rules completely. He wants an easier, less committed situation- and it feels hurtful. That's understandable but you want yellow lights and he wants green ones.

Whether or not your BF has BPD or NPD- this kind of situation feels hurtful to
you and raises your anxiety. This is normal- and this is one reason why people choose to be in an intimate relationship with people who agree on the same "rules"- however, you designed them. Some disagreements are negotiable- like what to eat for dinner, what movie to see, because the consequences of compromising don't leave us feeling hurt and anxious. This one does- so the choice is- stay with this person, and feel like you do- or decide this isn't something that works for you.

You can choose who to be vulnerable with. This one is hard, because the two of you have a connection from a very special time in your lives- school, best friends, but each of you is older and in another place in your lives now. You may always have sentimental feelings and genuinely care for this person, but being romantic with him caused you to feel emotional distress- then and now. You can always re-evaluate this situation.


 88 
 on: June 29, 2026, 06:47:03 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Pook075
Update: It seems that her behavior is escalating. In June alone, it has already been on the stream 16 times, of which for a few days it has appeared under a fake account with the nickname "I don't know, maybe I'll find out". I'm afraid, but I want to know what will happen next. I also found a therapist who helps people after such relationships, keep your fingers crossed for me

Have you had any contact?  Or is this purely stalking?  If she's popping into livestreams, I'd talk to her directly (without talking to her directly, if you know what I mean).  Talk about being single and waiting for the girl you love to reach out and come back into your life.  Or say the opposite if that's how you feel.  But I'd let her know that you know anyway.

 89 
 on: June 29, 2026, 02:02:19 AM  
Started by Me88 - Last post by Under The Bridge
Has anyone seen this, and also saw their ex as the main character? Multiple times I just shook my head. That's my ex...she's acted that way. Said those things. The tone. Great movie but scary for our reasons.

Definitely something there we can all identify with to one extent or another Wonder if the writer had some experience with BPD relationships or researched it?

I used to use the Alien movie as a reference to my exBPD; the words of the android Ash when talking about the alien are very appropriate;

'Its structural perfection is matched only by it's hostility ..a survivor.. unclouded by conscience, remorse or delusions of morality'

'I can't lie to you about your chances; you have my sympathy'


Plus whenever I saw the 'crew expendable' message I instantly thought 'partner expendable' Smiling (click to insert in post)

 90 
 on: June 29, 2026, 01:45:18 AM  
Started by Kuroko - Last post by Kuroko

Update: It seems that her behavior is escalating. In June alone, it has already been on the stream 16 times, of which for a few days it has appeared under a fake account with the nickname "I don't know, maybe I'll find out". I'm afraid, but I want to know what will happen next. I also found a therapist who helps people after such relationships, keep your fingers crossed for me

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