There's such a fine line between being loving and being an enabler.  My BPD daughter is also 27 so I understand completely what you're facing.  Our worst was around 16-21, luckily it's tapered back some with maturity and getting serious about therapy.

Just know that what I'm about to say comes from a place of love, not judgement...okay?

First, you have to get to work and you have a morning routine.  That routine should not include babying your adult daughter who can work from home when she pleases.  Just tell her that unless she asks for a ride in the morning, you won't try to pick her up.  That also means you don't wake her up, you don't see if she's ready, you don't sit in her driveway....if she needs a ride, she asks once she's ready.  If there's enough time, you'll get her on your way.  If she messages too late, there's always Uber.

Likewise, if she wants to walk home, let her walk.  My kid was notorious for doing the same thing several years ago...she'd run away and walk 5-10 miles to a friend's house in a rage.  I used to try stopping her but I eventually realized, why?  Let her go cool off since that stops the arguing and the house/car is calm once again.  I just wouldn't let it bother me anymore.

For the rages, you also have a right to say, "It's time for you to walk or call Uber."  She has a job and she can pay for her own rides if what you provide isn't sufficient.  If you just sit there and take her abuse, it teaches that abusing dad is okay and you should do it more often.  Is that the point you're trying to get across?  If not, then stop just accepting it.  If she's abusive, she can find her own way to work and back.

For the silent treatment, that's better than the abusive treatment at least.  You should do the same when it becomes to much, when she's too hostile.  Let her know that you're taking a break because you're feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated. 

These types of boundaries will become your best friend over time because they will literally save your sanity.

Hi mom and welcome to the family!  I'm so glad you found us.

While I don't have any therapy recommendations, can I ask how old your child is?  If they're an adult, do they still live at home?  Or are you still supporting them in some ways?

Give us a little more to go on so the community can start providing peer support to you now.  What types of situations seem to bring out your child's rage?  Walk us through it a little more.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062300.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

I understand. I felt on guard around my BPD mother. I think I was always a bit scared of her. I think one way to manage contact is to pay attention to your own feelings and have a place to stay that is emotionally safe.  It's good you are staying with other people.

In an event with several people, strategies like not being alone with her, don't react emotionally to anything she says and stay cordial and superficial when speaking to her.

She may also prefer you act as if nothing happened in a public setting- so as to appear as if all is normal. Just give her a hug, and keep any conversation topics neutral. If she brings up something emotional, change the subject or excuse yourself with some neutral reason "look there's Aunt Mary- I'm going to go say hello to her".

Your wife has SSI- but was this sufficient to get the lease? How was she able to sign and qualify on her own?

If the goal is to get your wife out of the house first- which is what I think you are wanting- then I think it may require being prepared to pay her rent, and utilities for some time, unless her SSI income can cover that and she can be relied on to pay it.

Thank you everyone for being there, thank you.


PeteWitsend, yes he did and he knew this made it harder for me to hear his continuous suicidal ideation, yet he persisted.

I need to process for a bit, but I read over this thread and I think I am ready to say: yes, the relationship was abusive. uBPDx was manipulative and controlling during the relationship to an extent that was emotionally abusive.

This is not a statement of judgement. It does not make uBPDx a bad person, which is a category I don't even believe in, really. It is simply, as NotWendy has put it, describing what happened.

Need to sit with that and its implications for a while.

It's been a bit since I've written. Things have been SO much better and for that, I'm thankful.  She has self diagnosed as BPD which is good - but still won't get help.  She is 27/f.  I love her so much and it's difficult to see her self destructing.

However we still have splits.  Those splits are terrible -- mean, accusing words, getting out of my car (tries when it's moving) to walk home, and won't tell me where she is but sends me texts about being lost, seeing animals, fear.  These always start at night. Always.  I usually end up sitting outside her house and waiting for her to finally say she is home (sometimes she doesn't and I just end up going home).

Then she doesn't talk to me for a few days.
We work at the same company, different departments, and she rides in with me but today, she is on day 3 of not talking to me and I have no idea if she needs a ride tomorrow.  The other days she worked from home.

I just don't know what/how to do this.  Any suggestions?

Hi Max,

I tend to agree with the other posters.  In my opinion, it's unfortunate your wife found a new living situation by using someone else's money.  Thus she has no "skin in the game," and in all likelihood will expect (demand!) continued financial support in the future.

On these boards, I've cautioned that when a pwBPD's life looks really dysfunctional (e.g. sleeping all day, not helping out, having regular meltdowns, blaming others full-time, barely taking care of personal hygiene/eating, abusing substances, volatile relationships, incidents involving police/hospitals, etc.), then to expect that a new living situation will result in a behavioral 180 is delusional.  It's basically setting her up to fail, at a cost to YOU.  My general advice is, not to make any big "investment" in a pwBPD when they are completely dysfunctional, no matter what they promise, unless you're prepared to flush some money down the toilet.  Sure, she'll claim that a new "living situation" represents a "fresh start," a chance to get her "back on her feet" and away from her "toxic" home environment.  Unfortunately, her words are just words, not backed by realistic plans or actions.  She'll ruminate obsessively and probably idealize a new living situation as the solution to her problems.  But as you know, the problem isn't the home, the past, you or anyone else.  The problem is her disordered thinking, lack of emotional control, perpetual negativity and victim attitude.  That will remain exactly the same, no matter where she goes, unless she gets some therapy and/or shows some functional progress first.

When can a pwBPD start to change?  When SHE makes the investment and takes the initiative herself, beyond just signing a lease and spending other people's money.  She could save up for a material portion of first and last month's rent, which requires foresight, determination and patience (traits untreated pwBPD tend to lack).  She could show some success at getting and keeping a job, even if it is very part-time at first.  She should demonstrate an ability to handle some normal(ish) daily habits and routines, before expecting to be able to perform them all by herself, with nobody around to over-function for her.  She should show some success at handling a budget, no matter how small she starts off.  Most of all, as an adult, SHE should be the one to make things happen.

You think, you're helping your wife by setting her up in a safe place.  Maybe that helps you in the short term.  But I think that if I were in your situation, I wouldn't have paid the entirety of deposit.  Maybe you're lucky and she'll figure something out, or find someone else to pay her expenses, at least for a while.  But I think you need to prepare yourself for her to be evicted when she doesn't make rent.  Would you let her back in with you?  Would you change the locks?  Is she on your lease, deed or mortgage?  Would she have racked up credit card debt that you'd be responsible for?  I just wouldn't want to see you get in more financial trouble, on top of the emotional quagmire you're in.

Just my two cents.  All the best to you.

But you can let whatever happens happen- and it may actually have the better outcome if your wife's issues truly come to light, or she finds someone else. You will need to be the one to hold the boundary on your decision, because there's a chance she may come back to you if she doesn't have other available options, but standing firm may open up other options for her if you do.

I see a lot of potential issues here. I can't predict the future but I have seen this kind of dynamic over many years, with my parents, and it has similarities to yours.

I understand where your Dad is coming from and hope, if it were possible, that you could also see that your father is aware of your wife's disorder and cares about you. I can see why he paid for this. But the fact that it is his money, not yours or your wife's is a factor in that- neither of you are taking the financial risk here. There's no monetary investment for either of you. So it's even more likely that this could be reversed, without any financial consequences to either of you. When people invest their own money in something, they are more likely to value it and stick with it. This is general human nature.

For your father, this is a gamble he was willing to take, hoping it might work.

To your wife, this is just one more pie in the sky want that she believes in the moment that she has to have and it was made possible for her without her having to consider the finances or logistics. So now, as soon as she has it, the idealized wish begins to unravel. For my BPD mother, this was the repetitive pattern. It was the vacation, the car, the move, the whatever she set her sights on as the solution to her emotional distress- and Dad made it happen for her. I wish it had worked.

If this event is going to be the actual split, you will need to be the one to take action. This means getting a lawyer and beginning the process. I don't think this situation is going to be sustainable for your wife. From what you have described, she has very little life management skills.

This will also take you being able to let her hit bottom, real bottom. Like a breakdown and being hospitalized, or not making rent and being evicted. I think you are probably right that your wife's best chance of survival is to find someone else, but this will be a bigger challenge for her now, at her age, than in her younger years. This is the dating pool- there's more single people who are younger. However, now may be her best chance she has, if this were going to happen. Also in the job market- the older one is, the larger the gap in work, makes finding one harder.

Although I see that enabling someone can stunt their own emotional growth and skills, and wondered how much this affected my BPD mother's ability to manage on her own, once I did see how she functioned without my father, I believe she was incapable of functioning on her own - ever, even with regular daily tasks. You know this about your wife, she won't even eat a regular meal without you fixing it, and she stays in bed most of the day. My mother did too.

I remember when I was about 10, BPD mom ran off somewhere for a couple days, maybe a week or more? I don't know. I was too young to know details. But she came back and my parents acted as if nothing happened. There were frequent divorce threats, but she didn't follow through with them. She couldn't manage if she had done that.

For this separation to actually be one, it will be up to you how much you can tolerate your wife hitting bottom.  She may threaten or attempt the unthinkable. Can you manage letting her be hospitalized? Getting social services involved? Unless you are legally divorced, you will still be financially responsible for her. Are you willing to go through with divorce and let your wife deal with the consequences of her own actions?

I know this sounds dismal, but your wife's management skills are low at the moment. It's not possible to predict what she's capable of so these are possible outcomes to consider.