Okay, let's start with the good stuff:

- The letter mostly focuses on you and your feelings.  A BPD can relate to feelings.

- You offer apologies in multiple areas, in different ways.  The, "I'm sorry this happened" type of apology is good, while the "I'm sorry I didn't/couldn't handle things well" is great.  The second version is a little better because of the first point, it ties back to your personal feelings and your vulnerabilities.

- You end talking about how much he means to you.  I would scatter that in througout, but leave it strong at the end.

Some not so good stuff:

- The blaming portions will miss the mark and here's why.  If you're blaming over something, he's going to defend and it pushes you further apart as the conflict grows.  Keep these to a minimum or remove them completely.

- The lines "ex best friend" comes off wrong as well.  Rephrase that stuff to something like, "I miss my best friend who I could share everything with."  It means the same thing essentially, but one is a negative (which brings shame, comflict) while the other focuses on the positive aspect.

- While you've apologized, it would be even more powerful if you tell him that you forgive him as well.  That's where so much of his shame and abandonment come in at.  Let him know that you're not holding it against him anymore and you genuinely hope he heals and grows.

Overall, you wrote this from the heart and that's a great thing.  BPD and C-PTSD have many similar traits, which means you can connect with him on that level where he struggles so much.  So I'd leave much of the letter the same when it's focused on what you feel.  But for the other parts, for the judgement, you really have to think about what you'd want from this letter. 

If it's a "goodbye" then you don't have to change much.  If it's a "let's talk" then you still have a lot of editing.  And if you're unsure if you'll ever send it, then you can decide the balance since you're really speaking to yourself more than anything.

I hope that helps!

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and suggestions!!!

Few more details:

- I don't think my mum has generally taken the "classic" role of the enabler. I think it is more honest to say that my dad originally had that role (unbeknownst to him) and when he became incapacitated he transferred that onto me. I have been slowly understanding all of these dynamics, so I think I stopped being it for the past two years or so, and with my dad's passing my mum has finally been a bit more "free". SO she's now trying to have him move out and has done most of the things mentioned here, making it more difficult for him, forcing him to sleep in the smaller room she chose, not giving him any money for the past 3 years, not letting him touch her car, not giving him lifts by car anymore, etc etc and in the meantime repeatedly asking to leave and make his own life.
I know laws change a lot between countries, in the one I live in things would have been much easier for her but where they are children have a lot of additional rights, in principle you cannot kick your 40 yo child out of home if they don't have a job (as crazy as it sounds), unless you prove that you have taken all reasonable steps to give him notice and that he has not taken all reasonable steps to find a job etc. Overall, it seems it usually takes about one to two years to "evict".
Part of the reason why he was still there was of course that my mum probably had a bit of "guilt", but I think it's been mainly my (and my dad's) fault that we have caused a bit of that guilt by falling into my brother's guilt trips.

To be fair with my mum, I don't think she wants to have me involved. In fact, in the past 2 years she has tried in any way not to get me involved, because she knows what she has had to live with, so she wants to avoid me having to go through the same. For example she rejected her 50% ownership of the house to avoid me having any issue with him when she will eventually pass. I think they left me this house, yes, because they think I can keep it and it is the one they made a lot of sacrifices to build (literally, my dad built most of it!). My brother actually received another house, less nice but technically of higher value, and he is getting rent from it, so that in theory would also give him the chance to have a safety net if going to live on his own.

I think I will ask to talk directly with her lawyer to understand exactly the details and what I can and cannot do without getting tangled again.   

There are definitely times when I think she wants to sabotage me, but for the most part, I believe she -- (sometimes in a very abstract way) -- wishes me well and sabotages me as collateral damage in her own struggle.  I think that makes it harder for me to draw that bright line.

Is it really that simple... I would have to do some kind of evaluation if it's new enough to discuss or if she's too angry to discuss with. What if she wants to discuss calmly. Do I accept and leave if it becomes ugly, or if it's circular.
At this moment it's even worse. I go to her to see if she wants to say something or even bring things up myself because she has expressed that I should do that more often.
One really tricky part is she manages to make me feel like the immature and like my way of communicating is childish. Maybe because I become more submissive I guess.
How do I discuss anything myself if I refuse to discuss when she wants to discuss? Or do I tell her I'm happy to discuss but not if so and so...

At this point I don't have the guts to not let her talk. Maybe I could start setting time limits and excuse myself.


Yeah at least I know that I serve as an emotional outlet. Sometimes it's more simple like if she bumps into me it's my fault if she's in a bad mood. If not she doesn't care or accept that it was her fault. I guess it's normal human projection but multiplied with a lot.


I agree and know she would quit very quickly

"The only goal is to calm them down, to help them center, and let go of the moment of crisis.  Once they take a breath and let go of that disordered throught pattern, they realize that the world is not ending."

Goal for sure, not always sure how to do this, I listen, and don't argue back.

Yes, I did decide to take that part out. Thank you so much for your time and help. I really don't know if I will send it or not but I would like to perfect it all the same.

How do you calm a screaming baby?  Or a screaming toddler that just fell down and scraped their knees?

In one instance you know what's wrong.  In the other instance, you're clueless.

Even in the scenario where you know why the kid is sreaming though, that knowledge doesn't solve the problem.  They're screaming because they're in pain and they want to be comforted and cared for.  A band-aid doesn't take the pain away.  Cleaning the cuts makes the pain even worse.  But it's your presence, your calmness, that let's the child calm down.

Someone dysregulated is EXACTLY like that screaming baby and you calm them down EXACTLY the same way.  You show love, compassion, and speak in a calming tone.  You comfort them, you tell them it's all going to be okay, and you keep your patience until the moment passes.

You might say, "But you don't know my BPD...."  You're right.  But part of the reason they're ranting and screaming is because they're trying to explain what's wrong and you're looking at them like they're an idiot.  Ever do that with a baby?  What happens?  They scream bloody murder because they get more and more upset.  The same happens with BPD.

The only goal is to calm them down, to help them center, and let go of the moment of crisis.  Once they take a breath and let go of that disordered throught pattern, they realize that the world is not ending.

It's not a bad letter, but there are a few things to consider cleaning up.  For instance, the 2nd and 3rd sentence will be taken far out of context and cast everything else into a shadow.  He will read it as something like, "You're the villian, so you're painting me as the villian to live with yourself".

I'm finishing up at work and don't have time to comment further today, but I'll try to give you more insight in the morning.

This really hits home, but how to help them feel disregulated? I sit and listen and think "WTF are you talking about? This was 20 years ago!"  Anything I say is fodder for more disregulation - "It's all about you!"

I recall a saying, "The best revenge - not that we actually want revenge - is to choose to live a good life."

In other words, you've tried to work it out with the other.  It failed, not for a lack of trying, so simply do what is actually possible for yourself - cultivate a healthy and positive lifestyle - so as not to let the other person continue to sabotage you.