I will share what I've noticed others have done, that is, other therapists who do know about DBT.

What some therapists have done is not naming the therapy they use.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are more than twice shy about diagnostic labels.  It really shuts them down and triggers Denial and rejection.  So my thought is that your therapist's idea is that you mention to your son to try a new approach to therapy from a different angle without naming a label such as DBT, CBT or whatever.

It's possible your therapist will be reluctant to start therapy with your son since your son may be reluctant to try the same therapist you use.  Whether that is so or not, I'm rather sure your therapist will have associates or others he can recommend to guide your son's into a better level of recovery.

I have a mix of memories. I am glad for the good ones. It's understandable you feel tired, I think my father got tired too.

The good memories don't have to be around a special event or activity. It could be a movie, a sports game- whatever your son is into. I recall times like my father helping me with homework, movies, museums. Regular activities. Do what you can to find times like this with your son.

Some school systems offer therapy for any student and a lot of the therapy provided is prevention, for problems in the home that could show up later as bigger more serious problems in life.

It's not easy to sift through all this and find the perfect attorney.  Beware of attorneys who tell you what you want to hear.  And don't confuse your attorney for your therapist... a good attorney will stop you (politely) when they get the sense that you just want to complain or vent about your ex, as warranted as it may be.  It's a huge waste of their time and your money.

A good attorney will diligently work on your case and prevent you from getting screwed, but will aim for getting you the likely result based on the state guidelines judges have.

Family law attorneys probably hear "my ex is crazy" all the time, and in their experience most people aren't, so understand where they're coming from.  It may be up to you to push for more, and convince your attorney of that, and that you need to get more guardrails in place than in a "normal" divorce, if that makes sense.

To put it another way: a bad attorney will do a bad job, regardless of whether they're familiar with BPD or personality disorders in general.  They will drop the ball fighting for key issues, drag proceedings out longer than necessary, and try to pad their bills constantly. 

A good attorney will not do any of that.  But they also might not understand or believe your STBXW is that much of a problem, nor will continue to be after divorce, so it will be up to you to be assertive and engaged in the process the whole way through, to advocate for what you need.

Hi, there is a lot to unpack here, but I have some thoughts:


Given that you start here, as well as posting on the "bettering" board, my sense is you want to make things work, for the whole family.  To me you sound more hopeful than despondent, and that's good news.


I think it's typical that mental illness can run in families, whether it's because of nature, nurture, environmental factors or some combination.  But having said that, you can't say for sure if menopause was a trigger for your aunt, or that it will be for your wife.  If your wife isn't feeling well because of perimenopause or the onset of menopause, she could seek medical treatment, and there are numerous treatment options.  Personally, I have never felt better than after menopause, though I did experience some age-related issues like trouble sleeping, dry skin/itchiness and emerging thyroid issues.  Doctors can and do help, with medications, lifestyle changes and/or supplements.  For me, making some tweaks has helped me feel better than ever.

That your wife's behavior is improving signals to me that maybe going through menopause will actually help her feel better and more balanced.  At least that was my experience.


PwBPD will often say things they don't really mean when they're dysregulated.  The more outrageous, delusional and wacko her accusations are, the more you know that they're not based on logic, but on out-of-control emotions.  Has your wife actually taken any actions to pursue a divorce?  Has she hired a lawyer?  Has she left the home for a few nights?  Does it seem she's changing up her life/friends/jobs in preparation to leave you, live independently or live with someone else?  My guess is that she has not, because she's bluffing.  Now, I don't like being threatened, and I don't like to listen to B.S. either.  But my sense is, she's probably mad about something else, like not getting her way or being disappointed, and she's turning around and blaming you.

On these boards you'll see recommendations about how to handle dysregulated behavior, such as not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain), because when your wife is riled up, she can't think straight, let alone hear anything you have to say.  I like the Gray Rock technique, which is to be as still, quiet and boring as possible, so as not to engage in a heated argument and feed the fire of her ire.  I might slip out of the room or silently do a chore, like taking out the trash, which gives me some separation.  If my spouse follows me around, I might say quietly, I have to go to the bathroom.  Oftentimes the little break in time and space is enough to end the argument.  Basically, I'm giving them an "adult time out," that is, time and space to cool down.

Another approach you might try is reassurance.  If she says she wants a divorce, you could say, I love you so much, I don't want a divorce.  Maybe she's seeking reassurance, but her BPD thinking is getting in the way of that?  Remember, fear of abandonment is a huge trigger for pwBPD.  She might feel like she's letting you down, so she tries to beat you to the punch with a threat of divorce, when what she really wants is to know you love her?


It sounds like your son knows how to be a Gray Rock.  But the situation is concerning, because he might feel that he's to blame for his mom's distress.  It's never fun to live in a household that seems to be in constant strife, and ready to explode.  The other thing I wonder is if he will think it's OK to scream and make grave threats, modelling himself after his mom's behavior.  If he sees his mom gets what she wants by acting out, he might adopt the same tactics.  By the same token, I think it might be beneficial that his same-sex parent is the stable one, and my hope would be that he takes more after you and your behaviors than his mom and hers.

Nevertheless, living with an unstable emotional dynamic can be extremely stressful.  You might consider getting him therapy, if you think he needs it.  He might not right now, but he may need more support in the future.

I guess my recommendation would be to ensure your son has opportunities to experience more "normal" home environments, such as staying with grandparents or cousins for a few days here and there, if that were possible, a little vacation.  He might like the idea of a summer camp.  Getting involved with positive role models with organizations such as the Boy Scouts might be an option as well.  Is he on any sports teams with strong male coaches?  That might be an avenue to explore.  Eventually, he might consider college campus as a refuge from domestic strife.  In the meantime, I'd recommend that you get plenty of one-on-one time with him too.  You could bond over something of mutual interest--movies, fishing, paint ball, a Saturday getaway, whatever you both enjoy.

Hi all, I've posted a couple messages and appreciate your feedback. I'm also accessing the library. I've started seeing a psychologist familiar with bpd. My adult- 45yr old son recently started a job that is stable and seems to help level him out some. Previously he was self employed and under a lot of stress.
Anyway, the psychologist asked if my son was ready to get help with his struggles. My son has been through different kinds of therapy over the last 20yrs. Never longer than several months at a time. The psychologist said DBT is what will truly help him with regulation, impulse control ... He suggested I bring up the subject with him now before he is in a panic or crisis state.  I see that would be a good thing yet, I'm scared and unsure of the best way to address this with my son. At times he receives difficult topics well. Sometimes he will immediately put up a wall. At other times I feel like I just poked a mean bear with a sharp stick. Does anyone have any thoughts. Thank you so much.

Well to be honest, the thing is that after 18 years I am really tired. My love is the same, and my commitment to. It's just that my energy is not as it used to be. But everyone here is right. Divorce would take that little energy I got away.
Focus on my son is the most important lesson from this post and I am really grateful to all! Thx.
I know that there is not such thing as a magic wand that would make it all just go away. And as for myself, I am not sorry. It was all my very conscious decision from the start. But what troubles me is my son. I got him at 38, when it seemed that I would never be a father. He is truly the light of my life. I really hope that he will mostly remember the nice stuff and not the ugly.

I agree with FD, if you were truly on board and ready for divorce.  I think if you began the proceedings at his age of 15, he'd be so close to 18 by the time it was settled that custody won't be an issue.

From your post though- you aren't really considering divorce. You are considering calling her bluff by taking her up on her threats. In this regard, you both are not really wanting to divorce. Reacting to her threats to call her bluff will only escalate the situation. You have already stated you are committed to staying married to her.

In the situation where you are going to stay married, and you want to do the best for your son, then- the way to get him exposed to "normal" situations and away from the conflict is to help him to be able to leave it himself. He can't do this at 15, but there are options. One for me was to let me visit relatives during school breaks and I also could visit friends at their houses. Teens spend more time with their peers as they get older. If BPD mother was acting up at home, I could get to a friend's house for a while. I also went off to college after graduation.

This didn't undo the issues I was exposed to at home but I had some distance from it. I also had access to student health counseling to help. It wasn't a solution, it was a start.

Letting a grown child leave the dynamics at home does not mean no relationship with them. As an adult child, I formed a different relationship with each parent- according to each parents' ability to have a relationship with anyone. BPD affects all relationships. This is your time with your son. Since you have no wish to divorce - why spend more time and money with an uneccesary conflict with your wife?

My best childhood memories with my father are when we did things together without BPD mother as he would then be able to pay attention to us kids. Try to make some time to do this with your son.

One thing I needed to learn was to not react as much to BPD mother's threats (to me, not about divorce). She'd make a threat, I'd react and then there'd be conflict and drama. This reinforced the behavior because then, the focus would be on her.

When your wife makes threats, she's pulling your attention to her, and away from whatever else you need to focus on, including your son, who likely is already getting the short end of your attention. Maybe she is doing this so you will tell her not to leave. Surely it makes you feel angry and tempted to react. This is an "invitation to the crazy (drama for both of you)  party". It works for her to gain your focus, but you don't have to attend the crazy party. You can stay calm and say "honey, I wish you wouldn't leave" and then repeat as needed.

The choice is yours. If you were seriously considering divorce, the advice to stay would be out of line, but you aren't considering it. You have stated you are staying married and so, considering that, don't call her bluff. While your choice is to stay, it may not be your son's choice, so help him to gain independence so he can one day make his choice too.

I think it would be important to find out if there is a certain age at which your son would have a strong say in the custody decision in your area. It does seem you have a strong case for your son to stay with you, as it common for boys with long time divorced parents who have lived with the mother for most of the time to want to go stay with dad when they are teenagers, and it does often happen. It is well known that teenage boys need to spend more time with male role models, especially a father, as they are learning how to become a man.

Well, the only rule that might be slightly broken here is that this is the bettering board.

Pook is right, your priority now is yourself and your precious baby.

Why do we write "you"?  Just think of the instructions just before an airplane flight starts... "In the even of an emergency, put on your oxygen mask first before helping others."  That's precisely why you are a priority.  Your newborn needs you and depends utterly on you.

Though your S/O has in the past had cycles of acting out, there's likely additional triggers here.  (1) Your other children are a bit older and not so dependent on you.  (2) The relationship has changed, you are no longer just a mother but a mother of his child.  It's no longer a twosome but a threesome.  Those are just two of the potential triggers for him to act out.