My humble opinion is that your wife truly believed she worked her butt off.  I have this pet theory, that almost everyone in the world thinks they work their butt off.  It's just that, when you're used to working only five or ten minutes a day, working for five or ten minutes qualifies as working "hard."  Granted, to you or me, that would be insignificant, because we're used to working at least eight hours a day at a paid job (and probably more), plus a few hours every day of unpaid work, including caregiving, homemaking, bill paying, etc.  Thus, five minutes to us is a tiny fraction of a "hard" day.  But to pwBPD, it's a lot, maybe even everything, percentage-wise.

I'd add that for me, most of the routine things I do, I do practically on autopilot.  That's because they are part of my normal routine, and I have so much practice doing them, that I don't spend a lot of mental bandwidth executing them, which frees up mental bandwidth for other, more demanding issues.  I generally get routine tasks done promptly and move on.  When I'm at my best and not too pressed for time, I might even enjoy doing some tasks, like cooking some days, sweeping the front steps, folding clothes or watering plants.  Sometimes I'll listen to music or a podcast to make simple chores seem almost "fun."  But my main motivation is creating a pleasant life for myself and my family, such as by making decent meals and keeping a clean and orderly home.

But here's the thing.  I think that pwBPD ruminate a lot.  They don't have the "scaffolding" of a routine to enable them to put everyday tasks on "autopilot."  Rather, they have trouble CHOOSING to do something they don't want to, and that makes them feel like they are facing a constant internal battle.  On top of that, their mood is generally negative, which makes everything seem more miserable than it "really" is.  I think they have an internal debate about all sorts of daily choices, like, "I'm tired, I don't feel like getting out of bed, it's too difficult to pick out something to wear, I have a zit, I don't want to deal, this is too hard, it's unfair that I'm expected to get out of bed, my life is overwhelming, I don't want to do this . . . "  To cope, they might roll over and go back to sleep.  When they eventually wake up again, the dialogue becomes even more negative:  "Why can't I just get up like a normal person?  My life sucks.  I never do anything fun.  The morning's already gone.  I don't have anything to wear.  I hate doing laundry, why do I have to do everything?"  Etc., etc.  By the time they get around to putting a load in the washer, they've debated it internally for a long time, devoting so much mental energy and time on an outwardly simple task.  According to their mental math, the task seems all-consuming and much bigger than it is for a "normal" person.  To them, they spent most of the day on it.  On top of that, they crave validation, a gold star:  "Great job!  You're a fantastic partner for doing everything around the house!"  But you just can't bring yourself to give her the validation she needs, as the clothes sit wrinkling in the dryer, the dishes sit unwashed in the sink, the bed is unmade and her remaining clothes are strewn all about the house, etc.  I don't blame you.  Why?  Because it is inherently UNFAIR.  She expects to make choices like an adult, yet not pull her weight, and on top of that, complain all the time.  You can't help but resent it, because you over-function for another adult AND get blamed and treated poorly.

Once, my pwBPD made this disconnect increasingly clear to me.  For context, she had recently moved back into my house.  This time, however, the expectation was that she work "full time" on herself--namely, get a full-time job that would give her benefits like subsidized health insurance, especially since she didn't qualify for parental or student health plans anymore.  Well, for the first few weeks, she insisted that she had to transition to a new routine.  She said she needed time to move her things, get settled in and adjust to a new home before figuring out how to search for work.  That seems reasonable, right?  But the thing is, for her, "adjusting" took a LONG time.  Whereas for a "normal" young adult, "moving in" is an activity that takes a day, maybe a weekend, tops, since she doesn't own that many things.  Yet for her, "moving in" happened gradually over the span of two or three weeks, and even then, she still had belongings left in a storage unit, and items remained unpacked and disorganized.  After "moving in" was supposedly complete, she needed even more time to "set up."  Mind you, she didn't get a new car registration, change her driver's license or register to vote, things that a "normal" adult would do when moving to a new state.  By "setting up," I think she meant, finding a new health club, new nail salon, new hair salon, etc.  Granted, this sort of thing is normal, but she approached it as her principal OCCUPATION, to the exclusion of more pressing responsibilities, such as searching for work, let alone offering to help around the house.  In her mind, she was expending considerable effort on "transitioning," or "learning a new routine," and it's as if she wanted praise for it!  As in, getting up by noon and getting her nails done in the afternoon was an "accomplishment."  But the whole time I was thinking, OK, it's been almost eight weeks, and she hasn't even tried to look for work yet.  When she eventually got around to searching for work, she'd spend maybe 20 minutes looking at job applications, and she'd call it quits for the day; by the same token, she believed that she was working "really hard" on finding a job!  And yet, for her, it was really hard.  She convinced herself that it was too "overwhelming," and that she needed to nap afterwards, because it was mentally exhausting.  I actually think this was true for her.  At the same time, it was possible for her to believe she was working "really hard," because her dad and I were enabling such a low level of functioning.  After all, she had free room, board and a suite all to herself; why endure the discomfort of searching for work?  In her mind, 20 minutes per day was considered hard, because she had little to no incentive to push herself harder.

Just some thoughts.

Notwendy,
Yes, the core of healthy relationships is that there are boundaries and common interests. My challenge is to continue to work on my boundaries. I am so grateful to all the people who have helped me grow, tolerated me despite many of my learned disordered behaviors from growing up in such as dysfunctional family. I feel so sad for this women in the park, who has been so badly abused, yet the things she tells me belong in a therapy session not in disclosures to an acquaintance. Is there any kind nice way for me to tell someone like her that what she is disclosing is inappropriate? I am okay with someone who is a long time friend telling me about a trauma. For example, a friend I have known since childhood recently disclosed that she was sexually abused by the neighborhood pedophile. I told her I was sorry. She is happily married with lots of healthy relationships and the conversation did not go into an ongoing rant about all her traumas like this women in the park does.

Pook -

Same.  I can do nearly all the housework chores for months, even help with her personal tasks, yet she will do one load of laundry and talk about how hard she worked.  And whatever task she does she will nearly always need some kind of help at some point (look, I did all the laundry, so now it is your job to put the linens away).  And if I don't recognize her accomplishment as equivalent or greater than what I have done, it's an argument.  

In her mind it is, "look what I have done, despite my physical pain and mental health challenges, AND I had to put up with you (or the kids), too!"  

But other moments the switch is the other way, "I can't seem to get anything done and my mental health is a burden to everyone and I am a piece of garbage."

the contrast between those two modes is exhausting.  

With kids, it helps them to recognize small accomplishments, even if they are routine like keeping their room clean.  It gives them a sense of personal pride and encourages them to continue.  With my W, it feels strange recognizing another adult for routine tasks. especially when no growth happens

Same here Zachira. Even when there were financial concerns- there still had to be people hired to do things for my mother. In my teen years, I knew about the concerns and offered to do more but that was refused. I don't think it was about us kids becoming independent. BPD mother was fine with us growing up and leaving home. It's that it didn't meet her needs somehow.

That was something that made my mother's family wonder if there was more going on with her. After Dad passed away she had people doing things for her. Her family would comment on that- like how many people does your mother need to have her help her?

CC43,
You hit the nail on the head: I need to make friends with people whose focus is not on endless trauma. I will use your suggestions to share more of what I am interested in with others and to start doing more activities that I enjoy by participating in groups where I can do these things. I continue to work on mainly associating with people who have the capacity for reciprocal interactions and do not blindside me with endless rants about their traumas like my mother with BPD used to do.

My mother with BPD hired people to do nearly everything including ironing our clothes. She even hired other people's children to do work that my siblings and I could have done, as she feared her children becoming independent adults and abandoning her. She was highly dysregulated all the time, did not sleep well, and always exhausted. There were from time to time, bursts of high mood. I think she was too overwhelmed to do much. My dad very kindly once said he could not understand why she complained of being tired when she really did not do much. He seemed to understand that there was something wrong with her, so he let her hire people to help, even though we were not rich. Many years later, when I was an adult, a neighbor remarked on all the hired help we had. I had not realized until then how abnormal that was.

Pete, it's a bit of all of it and from a child's point of view growing up, it takes time to catch on to what is going on. Parents are authority figures so we assume they are the adults. I knew something was different. The other aspect is the shame, and secrecy with BPD. BPD mother did have the concerns about what others might think and so there was this illusion that she was "normal".

By about 9 or 10 I recall her rages and destrutive behavior but the day after, my parents would act as if nothing happened. We learned not to ask. At about 12, I was sharing what I learned in school with my father. He was listening to me. BPD mother started to act silly and cute- it was like a toddler wanting attention. I recall wondering about that. Also by that age, I could do most household tasks and we kids were pretty self sufficient. She was also drinking at that time, I thought it was the alcohol. By high school I was embarrased to have friends come over as I didn't know what they'd see her do at home.

One mystery was- what did BPD mother do all day while we were at school? We didn't see her do much of anything. College was my way to get away from it and so that is what I did. I would be home on school breaks and the behavior was the same but I didn't see it as much.

BPD mother had a high need to have people do things for her, even things she could have done herself. She'd either order me to do them, which scared me, or manipulate me to do them. She also was critical of what I did- finding something I did or didn't do that she could be angry about.

Mostly though, I pursued my own schooling, career, family. Visits were short, and often she held it together in general. She was also always with my father. I was not aware of the extent of emotional caretaking he took on. Visits were still chaotic. My parents had no routine, no regular meals. BPD mother ate what she wanted, whenever. Dad would heat up something simple.  I had a routine with my kids, and so they would fit in to that. I would cook a meal, they'd eat, then BPD mother would go lie down on the couch. Dad would play with the kids while I cleaned up the kitchen. It was like looking at my own childhood, where Dad took on the parenting tasks. The payoff though- my kids bonded with him. They loved their grandfather.

Until he couldn't - due to age and illness. This is something for Max to consider. At the moment, the main focus is on the kids, and supporting the family. The whole structure of the family is on your shoulders. The chaos that ensued when my father got ill was scary. I was afraid for his own well being if he couldn't take care of himself.

What was interesting was that, in a way, BPD mother aged into more "normalcy", because it isn't unusual for an elderly person to need assistance in taking care of herself. However, her emotional needs exceeded her actual physical needs. In assisted living, the levels of care are determined by level of physical need. Hers were not very high. However, emotionally she functioned like a young child. She needed that level of care and attention but elder care isn't set up for that.

Even though her level of function was not competent, she retained legal competency as she was congnitively intact and so she still retained the ability to mismanage her finances, decide to comply with medical care or not. Her extended family, who eventually caught on to her issues, urged me to consult an elder law attorney to see if there was a way to intervene. I learned a lot from the attorney but ultimately- as long as BPD mother was legally competent, she was autonomous.

By this time, I was aware of her level of impairment. She was completely self focused. Why this is, I don't think we can fully understand.

As to why you didn't see this at first, and I don't think my father did at first either- we meet someone while we are younger. We don't have the big responsibilities like children, house payments. Like many people with BPD, they can hold it together, especially when relationships are relatively care free. So your wife was also able to have flings when she wanted to. By our 40's, 50's. I think we have gained some maturity more than someone with BPD has. It can still be possible to  attract someone, but the maturity gap is wider. I guess it is still possible but I would think it might be more challenging?

My uneducated guess is that they get so hyper-focused on things they have no control over (what people say/think, etc) that they constantly run from it and search for the next great thing.  And when they can't find it, they start shutting down and getting depressed.

My ex would also go through cleaning spurts (usually 15 minutes before company was supposed to arrive) and then not touch a thing for months.  If I brought it up in any way, it was world war III about how I always put her down, I never support her, etc. 

But then she'd always say such a peculiar thing, "...I worked my ass off today and you never even see it."  If I asked her what she worked on though, it would almost always be, "I washed two loads of laundry."  Not fold laundry, mind you, not hang it or anything else....she simply took the 1 minute it takes to throw laundry into the washer and the dryer.  But she'd stick to her story and double down how she "worked her ass off".

Of all the arguments we ever had, that was by far the most puzzling and it happened almost weekly for 20+ years.

My ex blocked my email just hours before the police arrived and asked her to step outside.  She was facing a Threat of DV charge.  Of course, eventually there was a quickie trial and case dismissed.  That was 21 years ago when we separated and divorced.  I haven't checked in a long time but I'm sure my email account is still blocked.

Our child was three years old then, now grown and long past aging out of the custody orders.  We do have texting as an option and often our son is the go-between.  It is what it is.

Acceptance is one of the stages of Grieving a Loss.

One concern when trying to be accommodating when in a relationship with a person displaying BPD traits and patterns is that it can slip into appeasing and that is a relationship imbalance and unhealthy.  It is perceptions getting out of control and being unable or unwilling to perceive that.

A certain amount of push-pull is fine in a healthy relationship.  Some would say it adds spice to life.  But the on-again, off-again discord you're experiencing is why many here found it is frustrating and impractical to "still be friends" after an ended BPD relationship.  Sometimes we can't go fully NC because of complications such as having long term entwined finances or having children together.

The Bridge
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There's a Hole in My Sidewalk