I'm so sorry you're going through this and all the escalations. It's heartbreaking and even though it's a common story here, it still shocks me when others experience something like this.
I used to get hit often early in my relationship and it stopped over time, but then my BPD ex started getting into fights with our BPD daughter. I mean, literal fistfights rolling around on the floor. I never knew what to make of it and somehow it felt sort of normal, that was just my life. I look back years later though and think, "OMG, what was I doing?!? How could I accept that!?!"
Where you're at right now, it's all still so fresh. It stayed that way for me for at least six months, and the thoughts didn't fully go away for over a year. Somehow, I still wanted "that relationship" where I was never prioritized and was often told off for the most minor things. I just couldn't see how bad it truly was for a very long time.
For your main question, how can someone so loving also be so hateful and violent- that's the mental illness part and the instability of not thinking logically in trying circumstances. For them, everything becomes emotional and they go to extremes in the blink of an eye...not because they want to, but because they're literally falling apart inside and trying to make sense of it themselves.
It's truly sad and I wish there was a way that I could "fix" my ex or my daughter, but they'll struggle for life with those same issues. Therapy can help, DBT can help, medicine can help, but at the crux of it all they must want to change. Realizing the problem comes from within just happens to be their worst fear, so very few get the help they need and take steps to grow emotionally.
Moving forward is simple- you get through today, and tomorrow you figure out how to get through tomorrow. That's all we can do because it's a process. I don't think you have to forget the good or focus too much on the bad; your ex was all of those things and they were real. Mental illness just got in the way and made things really complicated.


