what happens if they are the one who left? if they initiated the abandonment?
i thought their worst fear was me leaving. so why would they erase me out of their lives. i cant deal with seeing him move on. it ruptures every fabric of reality for me and whether any of the kindness, the "i cant live without you"s were real. him coming back, breadcrumbing, would be some sort of proof for me that he understands his part. so far, 3 months of radio silence.

ForeverDad, it was different son. My eldest was at the hospital while the drama unfolded, it was my youngest son she used and abused, while he was at my eldest sons flat looking after his dog.

Pook, thanks for this. It is highly validating and exactly where I am at word for word. It is my two sons that it bothers me the most how they fall for it, but again she is their mother and I can understand it to a certain point..

It is a cycle stretching back twenty years and it frustrates the hell out of me the chances she is given and peoples apparent amnesia to it. When I look back this includes:

Two best friends, gets involved in their marriage breakups and tries to monkey branch to the vulnerable husbands.
A much longer term best friend, her business partner. Makes plans to throw her under the bus to save the business she has mismanaged the finances with through her drug use and spending habit. Mentally and verbally abuses her when she has no other target.
Me, her husband. Lied to, cheated on, manipulated and gaslighted.
Her boyfriend, lied to, cheated on for a year with me after he gave her the one boundary not to. Being used for his money and a free roof over her head.
Her brother, used as a pawn to get our kids to go and see him at her boyfriends house, who they hate and want nothing to do with.
Her sister, also used as a pawn to try and create drama and deflect from her own behaviour by falsely claiming to her friends and boyfriend I have slept with her.
Eldest son, has used in the past to go and get class a drugs. Borrows car writes it off, changes story as to how the accident happened which he foolishly believes. Creates drama on the night his child is being born.
Youngest son, used more recently to go and get drugs, then verbally and emotionally abused, when she knows he isn’t emotionally and mentally strong enough not to do something harmful to himself.
Her father, to a lesser extent but uses him for validation for her behaviour by telling him half truths, missing out vital pieces of information that would completely rewrite his opinion.

Then there is her new circle of friends. I have nothing to do with them, but I do know one of them, one of her employees so she is being used in the sense that she is earning my ex money, she now hangs around with her a lot because she also takes drugs and validates my ex. In the past this friend has been mocked by my ex whenever she has faced life’s struggles, like having horses put down or crashing a car or her husband being unfaithful and such like. And the guy my ex admitted to having a one night stand with 20 years ago, well that was her friends boyfriend! And I have seen pictures of her friend in the nude on my ex’s phone that she had been sent by that boyfriend, and the mocking messages that followed between them.

So nobody is immune to her toxic behaviour. Sadly my eldest sons view is clouded, as he says her behaviour isn’t toxic and people just make f.. ups sometimes.

I think it's the most damaging aspect of BPD. Unless you've actually been through it, people will never believe how bad it can be.  I always think it's like a notebook where they've torn out all the previous entries and each day is totally unconnected to what's gone before.  Their ability to idolise you one moment then instantly forget you and take up with someone new is truly frightening.

Of course they have a mental illness but it doesn't justify their actions or make them easier to accept. The end product is that the non-BPD gets hurt constantly and the relationship is toxic. Plus I've always believed the BPD often knows exactly what they're doing ands not all of it is beyond their control; they can be be very premeditated when they want to be.

How is your partner when other people are around? Is he able to switch into 'nice' mode when others are watching?

Tiger72,

YES Completely understand!!!  It hard, it's difficult after so many years...of living and relating to you spouse in a way that can really strip your sense of self.  That was my experience .  Now 10 years post separation, things are so much better, and it's been a lot of work on myself over these last 10 years to understand how I got into a relationship like that for 18 years and stayed in it. 

You are not alone. 

Sluggo

The insurance terms may require you to be listed as an additional driver.

Yes, the car is going to stay in my mum's name and I'm just going to borrow it. Thanks for the advice.

If divorce is a possibility, I’d say, your mom should keep the car title and let you borrow the car if possible. Then it’s her asset, not a marital one to be divided. My sister did something similar during the pendency of her divorce—she took ownership of my mom’s car afterwards.

Since you don't know what the future holds - but it might include divorce - think ahead.  When it comes time to register the car and change insurance, register it in your name only.  He may try to convince you joint ownership is better but then in a divorce he might try to wrangle to get the car, or half of its equity value.  Best to keep your home and car from mother in your name only, it reduces future potential issues.

PwBPD traits have had many years, likely decades, to hone their manipulation skills.  Don't make it easy because you cave in and allow joint accounts or joint ownership.

This is much more than anybody should have to handle. If the only way you can engage with life is to write about your despair, then please do that.  We are always here. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Those steps will become bigger with time.

It sounds like you are taking huge steps -- disengaging from arguments and from absorbing her emotional distress, and knowing that the positive -- like the negative -- will be transitory. Progress is never entirely linear, but it is nonetheless progress. I hope you can take some comfort in seeking how far you've come and the new tools you've acquired.  These steps also bring the promise of more to come on your part.