A few thoughts.

1st, people don't change unless there's a solid reason to change.  This is true if we're talking mental illness or not.  Your husband has a solid reason to change, so he took the first few steps to see what would happen.  That doesn't mean he's changed...so things certainly aren't fixed...but just the acknowledgement from someone with BPD is a major, major step in the right direction.

2nd, I don't think you should be concerned over the AI.  Why?  Your husband may have literally been incapable of putting his feelings into his own words.  He probably did a search expecting validation and found something else entirely.  That's a good thing and the fact that he said it out loud is also a major step in the right direction since he was vulnerable.

By themselves, these two things mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.  They are the start of progress though and if your husband were to ever take therapy seriously, it is right now.  BPD is treated through therapy, learning to process emotions and talk out complicated feelings, so this therapy COULD save your marriage long-term.  More importantly, it could save him from himself.

I'll stop there though because it is ultimately your decision to stay or go, to try therapy or just walk away.  I'd respect your decision regardless because I've been there.

One more thing- you're right, this is a desperation move.  But at the same time, it's also your husband hitting his rock bottom and realizing that he needs to change.  Nobody moves past BPD tendencies without this type of Earth-shattering realization in their lives, and a lot of BPDs never achieve what your husband discovered this week.  Kudos to him for that. 

I will repeat though that saying he'll try therapy is not the same as actually going to therapy and working through things.  He's completed step one, which is awesome, but it's also just the very beginning.  Two days from now, he can have a complete reversal and decide single life is what's best.  That's the nature of the beast when we're talking BPD.

Hi and welcome. So sorry that you're going through this, but know that you're not alone. This behaviour is pretty standard BPD - almost like a computer program that loads up and runs - and everyone here has been through it, in my own case for 4 years but in some cases for 25+ years.

Depending on his mood at the time, he will go through the 'I'm not bothered' phase and even seem to help you in your desire to end the relationship.. but then his mood changes and the fear of being alone - one of the strongest BPD fears - kicks in and he'll promise to change or do anything to have you stay with him.

Sadly, unless he truly is determined, any attempts at change rarely work out and once the BPD knows they've averted the main crisis - the breakup and fear of being alone - the old cycle resumes. You can read this in the many, many similar posts on here.

Sometimes my exBPD would seem to respond positively if she thought I really would leave but after a while she'd revert to her old ways.  Usually what you see now is what you'll always get.

You're doing nothing wrong, even if he tries to guilt-trip you into thinking that way (another BPD trait). You didn't cause his problems, you can't cure them and you certainly can't control them. None of us could.

I'm sure others will be along to offer their advice. Stay strong.

My heart goes out to you for being a caring and loving person who only wishes the best for your mother. Unfortunately your mother does not seem to want what is best for herself. It could be extremely helpful and healing to work on differentiation from your mother, owning your feelings while letting her own hers. With a disordered person, it never helps to feel their feelings for them, because having another person take on their feelings just allows them to disown what they feel. A good example of this is the cycle of anger. The disordered person gets angry, dumps that anger on another person and then the disordered person feels temporary relief that the other person is upset until the cycle of anger repeats itself. Is any of this making sense?

I've just realised I probably posted on the wrong topic so re-posting here:

I'll try and keep this brief but I could do with some advice from those who know what it's like to be with / separate from someone BPD (undiagnosed and unacknowledged in this case).

After 2 years of lies and defensiveness, mood swings, acting out, no repair etc. a couple of weeks ago I said that I've had enough and I want a separation.

Initially he went into impulsive mode - went out to find a flat to rent, secured it etc. Moods all over the place, ignoring me, being outright rude to me, then being nice, then back again. All over the show, which is what I had braced myself for. Always saying 'I've done everything to try and make things better. I'm not doing therapy, therapy doesn't work for me'. (he financially betrayed me which I found out in January).

In the last couple of days he's clearly realised this is actually going to happen and panicked. Panicking about losing me, the lifestyle he has with me. I felt for him but realised I can't rescue him from that.

Then came the change 'maybe therapy could work for us. I have realised that I haven't been able to hear your experience without getting defensive' (chatGPT helped him word this), "I need to work on that. I'm actually terrified of therapy. The fear of losing you is stronger than the fear of having couples therapy" (I understand that better than 'it doesn't work for me') He asked "what do you think?" I told him that I'm utterly confused because he says a different thing each day. He has also said "If I move out that's us done, no going back"

I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this. To me it feels like a desperation without the actual realisation of what's going on for him. I think it would feel different if it had come from him without the help of AI! Also if he was saying 'I've realised I've been awful and there are some things I need to address in myself".

Thank you in advance for anyone's thoughts on this. I was kind of expecting this turnaround to happen once we were separated which would have felt easier to deal with!

That your mother still carried childhood hurt feelings way later would make me wonder too. She also may be feeling this as lack of love or that it's some childhood trauma behind this.

It is a spectrum and your mother may have been on the higher functioning side of it.

I'll try and keep this brief but I could do with some advice from those who know what it's like to be with someone BPD (undiagnosed and unacknowledged in this case).

After 2 years of lies and defensiveness, mood swings, acting out, no repair etc. a couple of weeks ago I said that I've had enough and I want a separation.

Initially he went into impulsive mode - went out to find a flat to rent, secured it etc. Moods all over the place, ignoring me, being outright rude to me, then being nice, then back again. All over the show, which is what I had braced myself for. Always saying 'I've done everything to try and make things better. I'm not doing therapy, therapy doesn't work for me'. (he financially betrayed me which I found out in January).

In the last couple of days he's clearly realised this is actually going to happen and panicked. Panicking about losing me, the lifestyle he has with me. I felt for him but realised I can't rescue him from that.

Then came the change 'maybe therapy could work for us. I have realised that I haven't been able to hear your experience without getting defensive' (chatGPT helped him word this), "I need to work on that. I'm actually terrified of therapy. The fear of losing you is stronger than the fear of having couples therapy" (I understand that better than 'it doesn't work for me') He asked "what do you think?" I told him that I'm utterly confused because he says a different thing each day. He has also said "If I move out that's us done, no going back"

I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this. To me it feels like a desperation without the actual realisation of what's going on for him. I think it would feel different if it had come from him without the help of AI! Also if he was saying 'I've realised I've been awful and there are some things I need to address in myself".

Thank you in advance for anyone's thoughts on this. I was kind of expecting this turnaround to happen once we were separated which would have felt easier to deal with!

I've wondered that too my entire life.  Maybe grandma/grandpa simply had a good year financially, so they bought the youngest a bike.  There's no telling.  But I'd always tell my mom, "Good for you...you earned that bike and knew it's value.  Your parents prepared you to be frugal and thankful in life.  Meanwhile, your sister never seemed to learn that lesson."

I often wonder if my mom was in fact BPD.  Super loving and caring person, yet super explosive anger that came out of nowhere.  She'd tell you off then take you for ice cream a few hours later.  I never truly understood her but she was a fantastic mom.  There was always tons of ranting though over things throughout her life...she never could let a single bit of it go.

Anonymous22:
For a long time I wasn't particularly good at enforcing boundaries. I've started changing that. Now, when the swearing starts, I give one warning and then disengage completely if it continues. This can be difficult, particularly when we're in the car and I'm being yelled at while driving.

I've also stopped keeping the physical aggression a secret and have told people close to me about it. There was one incident where I lost my temper, pushed her hand away and shouted at her after she hit me. I apologized afterward because I wasn't happy with how I reacted. The more overt hitting seems to have stopped since then, although smaller things like shoving me aside when I'm pushing the stroller still happen.

I'm conflicted about involving the authorities. Being the larger and physically stronger person, I don't generally feel threatened with serious injury. It's the emotional impact that affects me most. I also worry about the consequences of involving the police when there's a young child in the household, especially if it leads to child protective services getting involved without actually improving the situation.

Notwendy:
The caretaker/victim relationship dynamic really resonates with me. Things have always been worse during stressful periods, but having a baby has made the situation much harder for me to tolerate.

I recently read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and it was almost unsettling how accurately it described what I've been experiencing. One of the biggest realizations for me was how much of my own distress comes from absorbing my partner's emotional state. I had spent so long feeling responsible for calming her down that I hadn't really considered the possibility of simply allowing her to be upset without making it my problem.

That shift in perspective has been surprisingly helpful. When I remove myself from an argument, I can often recognize that I don't actually share the feelings that were overwhelming me just minutes earlier.

The initial response to setting boundaries hasn't been encouraging. Arguments have become more frequent and intense, at least for now. But they're also becoming more predictable, and when you stop engaging on their terms, there's not really much left to discuss.

What I haven't figured out is how the relationship can be a positive influence in my life if I accept that this is the permanent state of things. I still get caught in the same cycle of feeling hopeful after a good day, even when it's preceded by weeks of conflict. I start relaxing and thinking perhaps things have finally improved, and then another episode happens and I find myself devastated all over again. Maybe the answer is to also become more measured about the positive emotions and know that just like the bad ones, theyre sometimes intense and wont last forever. And to invest more in friendships, family, and the parts of life that are independent of my partner.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place, know that you're not alone in this.

While it's understandable you feel overwhelming guilt, and you want what's best for your partner, you don't have control over her emotions or her actions.  If you did, you would have waved your magic wand already and made the pain and discord vanish, right?  Alas, it's not in your power to change your partner.  And there's no magic pill for BPD, either.  That's partly why I highlighted the text above:  you can't treat BPD with medications, though medications CAN help with co-existing conditions, like anxiety or depression.  Basically the only way to treat BPD is with specialized therapy.  For that to work, your partner needs to want it to work, and she needs to do the work, because therapy IS work.

The other reason I highlighted the text above is that I'm noticing that YOU are the one fighting to get your partner treatment.  That sounds to me like you want her to get better more than she does.  In my opinion, a sign that your partner wants therapy will be when she advocates for herself and SHE is pushing to get appointments.  Sure, she might "go along with" therapy, probably to get something out of you--namely your attention, your panic, your apologies, your promises to cater to her every whim.  It's possible she just wants to see you frantic and sad, so that you can get a glimpse of the pain she's in, and yet she'll insist that you can't understand it, because her pain is special and extreme.

Anyway, my humble opinion is that if she wants therapy, she has to be the one to make it happen.  She needs to be "ready" to embrace therapy, and to have "skin in the game."  If you're the one pushing to arrange for therapy, my guess is that she's not "ready," and she won't be "ready" until it's her only remaining option.

In the meantime, what about you?  Dealing with the aftermath of a suicide attempt is really sad and disorienting.  Here, we emphasize self-care.  Take care of yourself, first and foremost.  You're no good to your partner if you're a frazzled mess.  Take a break, get some sleep, eat right, get some therapy if you need it.  Talk to a trusted friend, family member or religious figure.  I think friends and family are really important, because they know you, will give you a reality check and keep you grounded.  Only when you're calm should you be dealing with your partner.  With luck, some of your calmness will rub off on her.  In the meantime, I'd say, don't do anything drastic, and defer any critical decisions until you're in a calm place and you can think straight.  Just take it a day at a time for now.

Family disfunction can be intergenerational. The hurt that Pook's mother described could have been real, as disordered families can have a designated golden child and also a scapegoat child. Whether or not a child becomes an adult with BPD is due to many factors, including the child's own resilience. The bicycle was not a single factor but it may be what Pook's mother focused on and as a child, the incident may have felt very hurtful.

It also could be how Pook's mother perceived it though her own form of writing history. If the parents had other reasons, they may not have been something a child comprehends.

I find it helpful to look at past family dynamics in order to identify patterns of behavior and our own emotional "programming" growing up. One reason dysfunction can be intergenerational is that for a child growing up in it, it's the only normal they know, so they tend to repeat it.

The information is useful as a guide for our own growth, but it isn't useful to blame it as an excuse for behaviors. A pwBPD may lack the insight to go beyond that. However, you have the opportunity to change the cycle for yourself.

The grief is a part of it- it's a process. Its OK to feel it. Sometimes the grief is felt during milestones, like a wedding. Now married, you are beginning your new stage of life with your spouse. It's a change for you and your mother as well.