Hi there,

I understand your distress, especially during the holidays when you want to make family time special.  As for what to tell friends, I think you say something anodyne like, "We're having our usual family get-together."  If they specifically ask about your daughter, you can tell the simple truth:  "We don't know her plans yet," or maybe "She's doing her own thing this year," or maybe, "We'd love to see her."  As for Thanksgiving, every one of those statements is true in my case.  My BPD stepdaughter is invited to visit for Thanksgiving, but I have no idea if she will show up.  If she doesn't show up, then she made her own plans.  It's not unusual for young people to avoid hanging out with old fogeys anyway.

Another observation about my BPD stepdaughter is that she tends to be avoidant.  She doesn't like stress, and her tendency is to run away from it.  I think of this as the typical "flight" response in a trauma-based, fight or flight reaction.  Not communicating and not answering texts is her way of avoiding people.  She doesn't want to feel judged, and she doesn't want to take on any additional commitments, because they stress her out too much.  She doesn't want to tell her family what she's up to, because she probably feels they would disapprove.  She just can't handle the holidays, either.  It's too hard to see others be happy when she feels so down.  She can't handle the well-meaning questions from her relatives, like "How's school?" or "How's work?" or "Are you seeing anyone?" because she's embarrassed--she assumes everyone will judge her harshly.  Not only that, she's jealous of siblings and cousins who delight in updating us about their progress in academics, work and romantic pursuits.  Her way of coping is to avoid contact, even if it makes her feel alienated.  It's sad, but that's what she's most comfortable with.

As for gifts, I think I wrote previously that I will buy her a gift, and if she visits, I'll give it to her.  If she doesn't visit, then I'll put the gift aside and wait, or maybe I'll give it to someone else.  I don't risk mailing her a gift so as not to interrupt her time out, and not to "reward" her for remaining incommunicado while we are supporting her financially.

Just my two cents.

Thank you all for the responses. They are helpful. My husband has texted a couple of times over the past couple of weeks asking if she’d like to come here for the holidays, or go on a trip with us instead without any response. I’m trying to view this as her needing space. I’m telling myself perhaps it isn’t permanent. I’ve read somewhere(maybe here) that chasing someone with BPD who doesn’t want contact is like quicksand and can only make things worse. I definitely want to respect her needs as this seems like the only way to validate her since she is not speaking to us. I read in another page on estrangement that SHE chose to stop the relationship but that is not MY choice so I should send a gift and expect nothing but my question is for someone with BPD is sending a gift going to irritate her even more?  I’m trying to keep myself distracted but the tears come so easily. Today at the gym people are getting ready for the holidays, sharing their plans, etc. I barely made it to the car before the tears came. What do I tell people?  My daughter who I love wants nothing to do with me?  That I somehow made her feel so bad that she felt the need to cut me off?  Anyway, I’m  leaning towards sending a gift, but just not expecting a response?  Thanks for listening

I don't have spiraling conversations.  If I see it's going that route, I'll tell my BPD that I love her and I'm stepping away before either of us gets angry.  Not that I'm getting angry, but it's easier to say "we" than "you" to someone unstable.  Then I step away for a bit and pick up the conversation when things are calmer.


Your sister is mentally ill.  You claim that you're not and I believe you.  That means when things start to go sideways, it's up to the sane person in the room to not "take the bait" and get into an argument.  If my BPD wants to argue, I literally just walk away...and I'll try to tell them that I love them and I don't want to argue. 

But if that doesn't work, then I just walk away (or hang up the phone, whatever).


Boundaries are for you and only you can enforce boundaries.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or how they react to your boundaries; it's up to you each time to use them in a predictable way.

For instance, if I tell you that I won't speak to you if you say the word 'banana,' yet you say it to me three times fast mocking me.  I can't stop you and I shouldn't argue over what you decide to do- that's not the boundary part.  Instead, the boundary determines what I'll do if you don't respect what I'm asking you to do...so I walk away.

Now, if you make a boundary with your sister that you won't talk to her if she's arguing, then she's probably argue even more.  That brings us to the previous questions you asked, you simply stick to your boundaries and exit the conversation.  You can do that in a loving way though and it makes you very predictable- if she yells, you're retreating.

The way I explain it to my BPD is that my boundaries are for me, and she can decide to respect them or not.  I make it very well known though:
- If you yell at me, I'm leaving so everyone can calm down. 
- If you hit me (or anyone else) I'm dialing 9-1-1. 
- If you leave my house a mess, you're not welcome to stay here.

Here's the thing though; your sister is making all the decisions.  If she's nice, you talk things out.  If she's mean, you leave.  If she's violent, you call the cops.  Every action you take follows a very obvious set of rules that she knows about.  So it's not you doing this or that, it's her deciding what you'll do next. 

Every decision is ultimately hers; you're giving her all the power and just reacting accordingly.

My BPD daughter is a few years older than yours, and she's had numerous medical problems a girl in her 20"s shouldn't have to deal with.  Last year they removed her uterus due to extensive cysts on the ovaries, etc.  She's also had bad stomach problems throughout he late teens until now (she's 26).

Could there be a connection?  I'm not sure.  He younger sister or her mom hasn't had any of these issues, and there's no history on my side either.  It has always seemed very strange to me though and I wondered if there's a connection we wouldn't think about.

Frankly, I've stopped trying to deal with fundamental relationship issues with sib with BPD.  I protect my time.  I stop contact until yelling stops.  I validate when I can.  Things are much calmer and that's a miracle, so, it's not ideal, but it's enough.

This isn't about what you did and honestly, it's not about what she did either.  This is about a broken relationship with a broken young woman who can't process her feelings.

I don't fully understand- why do you have anxiety going on campus?  Is it the fear of seeing her?

Here's the thing- everything you've said, everything that bothers you, is her opinions.  But like others have said over and over, she's mentally ill and processes thoughts differently.  When she's stressed, she says whatever she feels in the moment, and she might not believe what she said 10 seconds ago.  She just said it to make herself feel better because she's mentally unstable.

For instance, I was hanging shelves the other day and dropped a hammer on my toes.  It hurt like mad and I said, "I hate this <beep beep> hammer!"  I normally don't cuss at all...but came right out of my mouth.

So I'll ask the question- do you think I actually hate my hammer?  Or did my emotions just get the better of me in the moment?

Your ex experiences life the same way, only metaphorical hammers are falling on her multiple times per day.  And when she gets in a disordered state, her thoughts and actions are all over the place as she tries to make sense of what's happening to her.  As you've said, she has self-reflected because this has happened multiple times.  But her conclusion that it's everyone's fault....it can't be just her!

The easy answer is that it's mental illness and she's sick.  Don't let her warped opinion of you change who you actually are.

Good to hear!!

For the past 3-4 months, my 23-year-old DD had been throwing up a lot, and occasionally complaining about nausea and stomach pains. At first, we chalked it up to eating some bad food, then she took a pregnancy test, and then we just thought it would go away. Finally, she was referred to a gastroenterologist who ordered bloodwork, an upper endoscopy, and a stomach biopsy to rule out ulcers or gall bladder issues. Both were negative. But several liver function tests came back abnormal. The next test was a FibroScan of her liver, which showed a significant scarring of her liver. She has now been scheduled for a liver biopsy and some more specialized bloodwork specifically for the liver.

She is not a drinker, and she does not have hepatitis. My husband and I strongly suspect this is a result of all the mood stabilizers, etc., she has taken since she was very young. She hasn't had the biopsy yet, but her doctor told her that from the FibroScan, she was surprised to see that much scarring in someone her age.

Of course, we are very worried. Has anyone else experienced this with their pwBPD?

I don't know what the point of the phone call was, but again, you're trying to understand the workings of a disordered mind!  It doesn't matter what the point of the phone call was.  She probably doesn't even know what the point of the phone call was. You were really just providing some human contact to fill the void in her existence for a moment.  She moved on and probably doesn't even think about it. 

You didn't do anything wrong.  If she is BPD, the problem is entirely in her head.  Don't take the things she says at face value; she can find fault with every man on the planet no matter how wonderful they are and how well they treat her.  Certainly don't allow her behavior to change how you think about yourself, anymore than you would take the judgment of a toddler seriously. 


When BPDxw would pick huge fights that would linger on for weeks, she would usually demand I take some accountability for it, regardless of the fact that she would create the conflict out of whole cloth, and escalate and behave like a moron over nothing. 

I think they do this for a couple reasons: 1) taking some accountability for their actions gradually allows them to avoid all accountability.  After all they only acted like that because you did something... make them feel insecure, or roll your eyes, or sigh, or look aggressive, or whatever nonsense they come up with; and 2) they can gradually force you to accept things over time that you never would up front, by a series of compromises against yourself. 


You see she'll always find a way to make it about her; pwBPD's are outrageously self-centered, and their emotional issues take precedent over everything else in their life.  If you truly are concerned about your academics, she'll find a way to make you more concerned about whether your academic goals make her feel insecure about her own mediocrity; she'll drag you down to her level, and then keep dragging you down. 

What your mother thinks is a nice Christmas sounds like a nightmare. This reminds me of an email my father sent me when I began having boundaries with BPD mother ( and she wasn't pleased). "I just want us to be a happy family again" -which I think meant appeasing mother and not having boundaries. (my parents seemed to have a similar relationship as yours).

I also get not wanting our parents to be unhappy with our decisions, especially in their elder years. Holidays are stressful in general and so BPD behaviors did increase during these times. My BPD mother often didn't do much for holidays but when she did, it was similar- her dysreguating if something wasn't done perfectly. If my mother did entertain guests, it had to be perfect.

I wonder if by having Christmas be spectacular- that one day somehow makes up for the rest of the behaviors? That's just a guess but for one day, the family appears picture perfect to her?

Holiday celebrations may change as the family grows. Sometimes the kids go to the in laws. Travel gets more complicated with small children. Young families want to have their own traditions. I can understand feeling sad over these changes but I think it's an adjustment many families make over time.

Unfortunately, it seems as if your mother will react to the changes and be upset. One aspect of her celebration is being the one who is the center, that she achieves a noteworthy celebration and feels affirmed by it. One idea is to send her a nice gift- but with the exception would she throw it away or destroy it out of anger. My BPD mother would do that. The gift I chose to send was flowers- she usually liked that. So it's something you might want to do to still make her feel appreciated on this day.