I saw my disordered neighbor today and she said "hello". I ignored her. Dr Ramani a well known expert on NPD, talks about how giving second chances over and over again does not work because the narcissist never accounts for their bad behaviors, act like they never happened, and then start being abusive again. I genuinely like to forget past problems with a person, and continue to be nice to them. Not going to do that again with this neighbor as she uses my forgiveness to restart the abuse cycle.

I can relate as I am sure others here can as well. Behaviours therapists have suggested to set boundaroies have resulted in some truely frightful episodes including self-harm. I am not permitted to leave the room, certainly not the house. My only option is to listen as calmly and emotionless as I can while pwbpd rages and hopoe they tire out eventually.

Think about the meaning of the word "abuse".  Yes, the obvious evidence are bruises, cuts, etc.  But more insidious are the long term emotional damage from endless criticism, insinuations, belittling, subtle and obvious threats.

We often comment here on the obvious Blaming and Blame Shifting, among other behavior, which in themselves don't carry much indication of outright abuse, but given enough time and repetition its impact can easily be as devastating as physical abuse.

The reason others warn you of abuse is that they are considering more than just the physical risks and impacts.

Older people often don't drink enough water or fluids.  This too can be the cause of sick feelings or delirious behavior.

Years ago I was in line for hours for a new roller coaster and no shade in the sun and heat.  I was so dehydrated and overcome with the heat I literally got sick and drove myself to the ER.  They put me on IVs to rehydrate me and soon declared me all better.

My own thoughts are that you would do well to call the company back, withdraw that any complaint was lodged, and ensure that no lasting record was made against the two workers.

Hi there Trony,

You've come to the right place.  The situation must be really hard on you, simultaneously trying to manage your husband's BPD outbursts, taking care of the kids, and on top of that, probably over-functioning for your husband on many fronts (housework, finances, scheduling, paying bills, etc.).  That can lead to burn-out and resentment, too.

Though your husband is prone blame you for his woes--calling you a monster and toxic--my guess is that there might be other things going on his life making him feel bad, maybe inferior, unloved or unimportant.  A possiblity is that he's jealous of the attention the kids are getting.  What does he do?  He basically acts like another kid, in a vain attempt to get your attention.  But it doesn't work well, because he's not a kid, and deep down he feels ashamed.

I'm not sure from your post if your husband is working, but maybe he feels emasculated by you, because he knows he's not pulling his weight on the home front, possibly financially.  So rather than appreciate everything you do, he might try to trivialize your contributions while claiming that he does "everything."  Does that ring any bells?  It could be that he's plagued by insecurity, and he might be trying to put you down, in your proper place, because you're upstaging him all the time.  Thus he'll call you a "monster," "toxic," or maybe stupid/narcissistic/lying/ugly/lazy.  Typically those are projections of things he thinks about himself.  Maybe he's threatening divorce because he knows he's letting you down, and he wants to beat you to the punch?  Or maybe a divorce threat is an attempt to blame YOU for causing all the trouble in his life.

If you want to know what's bugging your man, I'd advise to listen for the feelings behind his outbursts, not so much the facts (which can be highly distorted).  As an example, the pwBPD in my life was preoccupied with feelings of inferiority and living like a child.  She ruminated about these feelings so often that they tended to bubble up as projections and accusations:  "You're condescending / You're controlling / You treat me like a baby / You can't tell me what to do / I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want!"  That was really code for, "I feel inferior, I'm lagging behind my peers, and I'm mortally ashamed about that.  I can't do what I want in my life because I feel powerless.  I'm stuck like a kid."

I think you're doing well to enforce your boundaries and not get drawn into his meltdowns, which would only feed the fire of his ire so to speak.  Sure, he'll try to egg you on, by being nasty, berating you and threatening you.  He doesn't fight fair, so you're better off not engaging in my opinion.  Only engage when he's calm.  In the meantime, you can think it like giving him an "adult time out," not dissimilar to how you'd deal with a kid having a meltdown.  When having a meltdown, a kid (and an adult with BPD) is overcome by emotions and can't process words or logical arguments anyway.  In short, they are NOT listening to you, so it's better to stay silent in my opinion.  You give him more time and space to self-regulate, a skill that he hasn't learned yet.  But if your husband is a threat to himself or others, you need to call 911 in my opinion.  You have yourself and your kids to protect.

It can cause harm to others and also potentially to her. BPD mother perceived boundaries as someone being mean to her, even if they were for her own benefit. Her health care providers had boundaries with her- such as telling her to take her medication. Sometimes she had to endure something uncomfortable,  like having a bandage changed and perceived this as hurting her, but it was to help her.

If a caregiver had boundaries with her, she'd say the caregiver was "abusing" her. This could potentially cause the caregiver damage so sometimes the caregiver would quit to avoid that risk.

When the skilled nursing home contacted me to recommend a meeting to discuss her staying there, because they thought she needed the help, she told them her family was "dumping her in a nursing home" and refused the idea. I also was shocked at the unfounded accusation. One can't get admitted into a nursing home without an assessment of need. They would only recommend it if there was a need. It wasn't decided by any family member.

I think the only way to manage this is to not intervene on what your mother says to you, unless you can verify this is true and a real danger to her. If she blames someone for being mean to her or making her angry- this isn't a threat to her own well being but could cause harm to that person if it isn't true- and possibly it isn't true. If it was a real need for medical care- or you have evidence of actual harm, then that is a reason for stepping in.

I also was afraid of my mother. Even if I could rationalize this as an adult, the physical reaction of fear- that was automatic. She also did the push pull- if she sensed she went too far, she'd be very nice after that, but it got hard to trust the "nice"- because her moods were unpredictable.

This automatic fear response isn't due to not being able to forgive- it's years of experiencing an unpredictable person and not feeling emotionally safe around them.

NC is one choice but I didn't want to choose that. I assume you will be in some contact with your BPD mother and also as a support to your brother. Your mother is not going to change, so how will you manage visits and contact?

Some things that helped me were to call on a schedule and not be available other times. However, as BPD mother got older I wanted to know how she was doing so that changed. When she was in assisted living, there were nurses and assistance there so I knew I could put my phone on do not disturb at night- as there were people there to assist, and I could call in the morning or they also could call me at night.

One idea for you and your brother is to each take shifts of calls- and have some time where your mother is only able to call one of you. Set your phone for do not disturb for her # or block/unblock. If it were a serious situation, you can still call each other.

The reason for this is to allow us to calm down the "fear" response and feel safe, and to sleep better. This is basic self care of ourselves and protects our own sleep. It's not about your mother or anything she did or didn't do- it's making sure we take care of our own basic needs. This is also why I chose to stay in a hotel when visiting her when she was still in her house. Staying somewhere else also gave her some alone time, although it was hard for her to be by herself, she still liked her privacy and own space.

BPD mother also emptied the house of my father's belongings quickly. This seems opposite to what we'd expect.  I think your mother and mine as well also experienced a sense of grief or loss in their own ways, but due to projection, it was more like feeling angry, and removing items that she thought made her feel that way.

Visiting her with someone else along also helped. She would hold it together better when someone else was there.

Something about being with me also seemed to trigger something in her. I think she could sense I was fearful of her- and perhaps was reacting to that? I don't know. It wasn't intentional on my part- I didn't have any intentions of being hurtful to her or bringing up past issues. Rather the opposite- during short visits, I just tried to make it nice, not get into any drama, and go along with what she wanted as long as it was reasonable. Still, she seemed to perceive something I did or didn't do as being hurtful to her and so she'd get upset or angry- over something I couldn't have imagined she'd see it that way.

Another safety boundary was to say goodbye to her the day before leaving and tell her I would call her when I got home rather then to speak to her right before I left, because this could be when she'd be angry at me.  This allowed me to drive home without being upset or interruptions.

I assume you and your brother will be in contact so if the two of you can come up with a plan to give each other some "time off" while the other takes phone calls or visits, it will help preserve your own sense of well being. These boundaries aren't a negative. They aren't about your mother. It's about how to be able to visit her. It is difficult but if you choose to have contact, it's to help you make the visits less stressful if possible.

The medication abuse is an issue- but you have no control over it. It's a dilemma because, she also now physically is dependent on them and likely they help her manage her anxiety so she was self medicating. However, since they are tighly regulated, her doctors won't be willing to prescribe them, as they have limits on what they are allowed to do.

For your mother, the regulations, and electronic records are a relatively new change. She's been doing this for a long time, and they weren't being tracked this way. Now a doctor can look up her records and see what she's been taking and the doctor has to follow regulations about this. That they won't do this for her is a natural consequence of her behavior. This is out of your hands- the medical system is who needs to manage this.

When BPD mother was in assisted living, the staff would manage the medicines. BPD mother had a lot of anxiety and medicine helped with that- so the medical providers did put her on some medicines that could help. One thing about the Lorazepam (or any one of these drugs). It did help her when she was using it before but as she got older, she would react to it differently. She'd be delirious on it, not know where she was, as if she had dementia but it would get better when she was taken off it so it wasn't the dementia but the medicine. I learned that this is a common reaction in older people, so if your mother is acting worse on Lorazepam, consider this possibility.

The other challenge for you is that there also could be physical changes with your mother's age. A common cause of confusion and changes in thinking with older people is dehydration and/or urinary infection. This happened with BPD mother too.

Your mother may not want to go to emergency if she's acting out but this may be the best course of action for her so they can check her over. 

Thanks for responding, this means a lot. My husband is in therapy but is right now switching to a different therapist because he feels like his problems come from his adhd. My therapist is just trying to make me see that he is abusive and deal with that. I worry she does not quite understand the subtleties of this disorder even though in her opinion it is more than adhd and most likely Bpd. In any case, in her opinion I should take care of myself and the kids and not engage in the abuse. My trouble with that is that whenever I try to just be boring and not engage, he just escalates and escalates until it becomes too scary to not give in: “this a choice your making, this now means you are ending our marriage, etc”. The few times I tried to stop responding altogether to his chats he felt like I am abandoning him and threatened to drive the car into our living room then threw the car keys into the bushes and we searched for them for months. His mother’s recent visit seems to have activated his disregulation and yesterday and today he was adamant that we should divorce because I don’t care about him. Sometimes we have a month of getting along but recently every other day he is fighting and says I ruined his life, am a monster, toxic, cold, etc.

That's completely normal, my friend, and none of this is intuitive.  It's okay to feel lost or scared, we all felt that too.  It's an impossible situation an there are no easy answers.

A few things to keep in mind as you try to gain your footing over the next few weeks:

1)  This is not your fault.  You didn't do anything to cause this and despite what your wife says, this isn't on you at all.

2)  This is not your wife's fault.  She's sick, just like her mom is mentally sick at the moment.  Try to be patient right now while also taking time as you need it.

3)  Things may get worse before they get better.  Why?  Things have to change to give the relationship a chance, and your wife will not want change.  Look back at the first two points though and really understand them.  This is a sickness and the way past it is learning to communicate in a different way.  It will be frustrating at first but you can get there in time.

Please keep posting and asking questions- we have your back whenever you need to talk!