In this situation, if you are deciding to cut back on advising her- it's not a spoken boundary. It's an internal decision to change your own behavior. Telling her not to ask you as often is like telling the snake to stop biting, or to humanize this- it's telling her to not feel her feelings- which she's going to do anyway as it's not something she controls.

What she's found is that doing this, often when dysregulated, is a behavior that works for her in some way and your behavior of advising is working to reinforce this dynamic. You are choosing to change your part.

This boundary is as you choose it. It doesn't have to be all or none. It can be but it also can be a choice to reduce it- not completely stop, or to not advise on topics like mental health questions. I think we feel we need to know the answer but sometimes an "I don't know" is an honest response- sometimes we don't know. One boundary that can be firm for you is to not broach the subject that this is your SO's flawed thinking and that they need mental health as you know the outcome of this.

Paying attention to your own feelings can be a clue to when this is a genuine request for something or due to a need for emotional caretaking. Usually we don't feel irked when someone is genuinely asking because they want the answer. It feels different when we are being recruited to emotionally caretake. The request can be similar, and it involves our natural tendency to be nice so it's hard to discern but there was a subtle sense of feeling unease when it was about emotional caretaking.

Sometimes I would just decide to do it, if I was willing and and able to tolerate whatever reaction resulted. Sometimes I didn't know what was going on until there was a reaction. Sometimes advice would feel invalidating to BPD mother and she'd get angry.

This is the kind of boundary that is likely to result in a reaction because, to decrease emotional caretaking behavior disrupts the dynamic but by doing so, it might reset again as they adjust to it if they are able to. It's a risk but it's also a path to changing a dynamic in a more positive way. We can't change another person but we can change our own behavior and then there's a possibility they may or may not adjust to that but to continue in the same way perpetuates it.

This is probably a most honest statement. She says she didn't sign up for anything difficult, she doesn't want to do it. I like the quote from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

But you know that this isn't real life- there are good and easy things, and there are those that take effort, and that her wish, to not do anything that takes work, isn't realistic. It may work when someone else is carrying that for her- but even so, the other person is human too and may have their own limits to how much they do that.

Which is why I think she also won't want to do the work of parenting over time. Young children are more easily controlled and compliant. Older kids can be challenging, even well behaved ones assert their autonomy. Children also are a source of great happiness too- but they require time and caretaking- something that doesn't seem to suit your ex. You've seen this already.

My BPD mother was similar to your ex in that she couldn't manage the work of day to day tasks, which included parenting. Other people stepped in and did this. While it seemed odd to me at the time that she wasn't doing the things I saw other mothers do, I am now grateful for that. If your ex is near her family, it's possible they are stepping in to help- and that could be a good thing. Not everyone in a family has BPD and it's possible they are more competent.

I saw something similar to what happened when you hurt yourself with my father, who had been her enabler/caretaker. PwBPD perceive themselves as victims, and so other people in their world are either rescuers (helpers to them) and if they are not- they are persecutors (hurting them) (look up Karpman triangle).

When my father got ill in his elder years, he wasn't able to keep up the level of caretaking/enabling. He also needed care at the time. This was a "reversal" of the usual dynamics between them. While one would expect understanding and empathy for a spouse in this situation, the opposite happened.

This doesn't exuse it- but it hopefully will help you to see this as not as personal to you. Underneath this refusal to help, this cold, cruel, veneer, is a very disturbed person, someone overcome with their own emotional distress.

You've found this out now, and now you can rebuild your life and I encourage you to do so. You are not responsible for your ex's feelings and you didn't cause her BPD. If she's already seeking someone to date- it's due to her own emotional need for someone to be an emotional caretaker to her, not about you. That person may be idealized at first- but will also experience the same person you did.

Don't try to figure her out- it's not possible to know all that someone else is thinking or feeling. I think refocususing on rebuilding your life is a good thing- for you and also for your children. I agree with FD to consult an attorney about your parenting rights. You may be tight on funds at the moment but it's worth the cost of the consultation to know what to do. If there are parenting classes, anger management classes that are required for unification- it is in your favor to do them as having completed them will stand as evidence.

I know you are scared for your children but I think consulting an attorney will give you a solid path to follow to regain your rights. I think FD makes a good point that sooner is better than later.

Thank you for your responses.

I am now focusing on fixing, one by one, the life that my ex left in ruins.

Even when I injured my back and was limping with my leg, she saw going to the hospital with me and supporting me through my pain as a burden. She told me, “I didn’t sign up for this.” When I asked about why the business was being run so poorly, she said it was because she did not want to do hard work.

I still cannot understand how someone could be so selfish and self-centred. At times, I even wondered whether she had any compassion or consideration for other people at all. But I have decided to stop searching for that answer. Deep in my heart, I already know the answer. I have now given up expecting anything from her, or hoping that she will ever understand me.

Because we have children together, I have no choice but to remain connected to her in some way, and that feels miserable. When I think about my children growing up under her care, my heart breaks.

Because of one final mistake, I lost my children, and now I am labelled as a family violence offender. No one listens to my side of the story. Even my psychologist treats me like a criminal.

But I will carry this weight and survive. I will find a new career. I will get through bankruptcy. I will heal my leg. I will never again allow myself to be placed in this kind of danger. For the happiness of my children, I will keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Watching the YouTube videos from @bpdbreakupcodependencyrecovery has helped me understand things more deeply. I am going to break free from this and begin a new life.

I completely agree. But I think it is healthy to ask questions about yourself and your own behaviour.

I’m not even comfortable saying for sure that my ex has bpd as she is not diagnosed. Although from her behaviour and from how I’ve been told I have been treated by her from people on the outside looking in clearly she has some disorder or problem. Her sister has always said she is never happy, nothing is ever enough so she fits the bottomless pit analogy.

I mentioned at the start of this thread about the client that refuses to go to her salon because of the toxic behaviour. Yesterday evening I was at a local festival and got a tap on the shoulder, I turned round and was given a big hug by another of my ex’s clients that I haven’t seen for a couple of years. She then started telling me that she no longer goes to the salon, again because of toxic behaviour there. So I think the mask is starting to slip and people are beginning to realise that everything isn’t quite as it seems with her.

While you've received some great advice on the marriage/divorce/custody stuff, I want to take a different approach and focus solely on you for a moment.  What's best for Jack today?

You might say, to have your kids back.  Okay, I completely understand...but that's not in the card for today.  That's not a possibility until you go through several additional steps mandated by the courts.  So that's not where we start or devote all our energy.  What's actually best for Jack today?

In my opinion, you need work and you need a stable home.  There's no way to eventually get the kids back without those two things.  You also need to deal with the trama you've gone through and learn from it so history never repeats itself.

It's easy to see yourself as a victim and the stuff that happened is terrible.  That's all past tense though and we can't change any of it, so it shouldn't be your focus.  All you can actually do is focus on what's best for Jack today.

Therapy, work, stable home.  Those should be the top three priorities.  Everything else is just pulling you away from those three things that will eventually bring your children back.  Hopefully that makes sense.

Think about it this way.  You're walking through the grass and come across a rattlesnake.  Or heck, let's say a den of rattlesnakes, they're suddenly all around you.

So you tell the rattlesnakes that you have a boundary; they're not allowed to bite you or scare you.

Does it work?  Probably not.  They're just going to keep being snakes.

A boundary is for you, and only you can enforce the boundary.  It doesn't take anyone else's participation.

In the snake scenario, your boundary is to not mess with poisonous snakes, so you slowly back away.  That's all you can do because the snake is not going to listen to reason.  And with your BPD, you can only do the exact same thing.  Ask nicely and then withdraw.

If the boundary "doesn't work", then you're relying on someone else to enforce your boundary.

One last thing; don't think of a boundary as a "punishment".  It's giving someone else a choice.  Respect that I'm not going to talk about that/do the thing you want me to do/whatever or I'm stepping away.  The other person is the one making all the desicions, not you, so there's nothing to feel guilty about and there's no reason to stick around and listen to blame-shifting.

Maybe that means the relationship needs to end for awhile, and maybe that means you cut that person off entirely.  That's the only way the boundary starts to make sense to them.

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry for your predicament.  I hope you can find some solace here.

It's unfortunate that you had a single violent episode and that you're separated from your kids right now.  In my extended family, my undiagnosed NPD brother-in-law violently attacked his wife (my sister), which resulted in police intervention and a restraining order.  My sister was so distraught and overcome by years-long tensions with his NPD dysfunction that immediately after the fight, she fled the marital home with her three young children.  Like a prior poster wrote, since the physical violence was not directed towards the kids, the disordered NPD father was eventually allowed parenting time with his children.  This is despite the fact that he made zero effort to see them or communicate with them (for example by phone or Zoom) for months after the restraining order lapsed.  In other words, it seems that one violent episode between adults does not necessarily impact parental rights.  I think that's because courts generally view that both parents are important for a child's development, and the guiding principle is the "best interests of the child."

My advice?  Unless you are expressly prohibited from communicating with your ex or from seeing the children, you can start working now to have the opportunity to see them again.  I'd say you should consult a lawyer about this.  Maybe you do some therapy.  Maybe you take a parenting skills class.  You start making efforts to see your kids again.  You have parental rights, after all.

And now more about you.  Many people who are here, are here because they have been traumatized by living with someone with BPD.  We get it.  We've been emotionally exhausted, confused, financially drained, controlled, isolated, blamed, manipulated, abused.  It's hard for the outside world to understand how perverse the BPD/NPD behaviors can be.  You might wonder, how can a physically smaller female terrorize you so much?  You might have some PTSD.  You might start to doubt yourself.  You wonder, how did you get here, how did you let this happen to yourself?  My advice is, don't beat yourself up too much.  You start to take care of yourself, and that starts TODAY, with a baby step.  You deserve to be happy, you are worth it.  And your kids need you, probably more than ever.  Your life isn't over.  In fact, there's a good chance your life will get better, maybe much more so, now that you're facing an inflection point.

What does self-care look like?  I think it depends on the person.  For me, it involves a combination of eating right, regular exercise (ideally outdoors), regular sleep and some time with friends and hobbies.  When I was living with my disordered pwBPD, I took many walks, just to keep calm, get some distance and help clear my head.  I have a few friends who are impacted by mental illness in loved ones, and they have been a great support to me at different times.  This community helps, too.

I'd recommend to start with just one baby step today.  Maybe you start the day with a nutritious breakfast.  Maybe you do a set of push-ups, sit-ups and lunges in the morning.  Maybe you make the bed.  Maybe you drink a tall glass of water in the morning sunshine.  Maybe you take a short stroll after breakfast and dinner.  Does that sound doable?  

Can you do a bit of multitasking?  That is, can you focus on recovery for yourself as well as also restoring your parenting?

The reason I don't want you to retreat from parenting is because the longer the children are apart from you, the harder it will be for you to get a good parenting schedule from the court.  As I wrote before, you want as good as possible a parenting time schedule in your earliest orders.  Once a lousy order is in place it's much harder for a father to undo it.

Back to my experience... Though my newly separated spouse was facing a Threat of DV case in one court she rushed to family court to file a petition for a protection order to block my parenting.  So for two weeks I had no contact whatsoever with my preschooler until we appeared for a joint hearing with the magistrate.  The CPS investigator briefly interviewed me and he stood up in court and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate promptly removed our son from her protection petition and set a parenting schedule.  Unfortunately, he used their typical mother-friendly format where I only got alternate weekends and an evening in between.  I lived with that order until the divorce's final decree.  Each time I returned to court, my order got better until finally we had an order that worked (8 years later).

That's why I encourage you to not neglect restoring your parenting time.  Apparently you don't have any orders respecting the children and parenting, right?  Well, lacking a court order specifying a schedule, you're probably stuck in a no-man's land where you have "equal but undefined" rights as a parent.  If your ex opposes you having time with the kids - she will likely be uncooperative since you have a no contact order - then the police will step back and tell you to go to court to get a specific parenting time order.  Be patient - use that time to work on yourself - while the court starts that slow process.

Remember, you cannot contact her in any way while that FVIO is in effect.  However, if you have a lawyer or advocate, they can do what you're unable to do.  And in the hearing room before "peace officers" or the judge, they may relay your request for time with the kids.

That's pretty funny!  Be careful what you wish for.

There's the joke where the man and his wife are both 60. The man wishes for a woman 30 years younger than he is. Poof!  He's 90.