I've been researching the whole risk of older people and Lorazepam / Diazepam thing and it's shocking! I had no idea how dangerous those tablets were to older people with slower metabolisms, they don't even give them to the over 65's anymore in the UK because of the risks! It sounds frighteningly why we e had such deterioration of her mental health as it increase aggression, volatility, delusion! It would explain why she's been more prone to falls in the last year or so and her memory was noticeably bad at the weekend, she was very frustrated at times trying to remember words she wanted to use.
It's appalling how lax the medical profession have been , how long have they known about the risks of these drugs on the over 65's yet did nothing! Now we have to see if they handle her withdrawals sensibly or whether that is the next big crisis!

BPSstinks, oof, I can relate to the guilt for feeling happy. Funny thing is, I want that for you and others. I want you to let go of the guilt, I want you to be happy. How do you get past the guilt? What helps?

I tried to reach out to my BPD kid with a holiday message once, and my non-BPD youngest cut me off for doing so, saying I wasn't respecting boundaries. The message came through loud and clear - any contact towards BPD kid would result in my other two cutting me off. My oldest and youngest speak to me now, but as much as I try to make our interactions positive and casual, I carry intense anxiety. I feel like I can't make any mistakes.

I have long been in therapy and have processed a lot of trauma from my childhood through to adulthood, but nothing prepared me for the pain of losing kids.

So, it has been two weeks since my last encounter with my sister and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am unable to rest, if I sit still my mind wanders and thinks of all the various versions of conversations that I could be having with her when she decides to return to speaking to me. I know it is a matter of time before she reaches out again... I am scared of her, I am terrified of her influence on the others in my family. Everyone walks on eggshells around her (yes I have read that book too). I am unable to let go of the fact she has acted out like a child and made a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (basically she threw a fit and is refusing to talk to me or go to my wedding). She has made this narrative in her mind of my life, my relationship and my happiness. She is under the impression that I am not happy, I am in a bad relationship, and that I am isolating myself from my family. None of these are true but this is what she has been saying behind my back for months now. She is telling our family how bad my fiance is and how I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to try to defend myself because her famous saying is "if you get defensive, it must mean it's true". She is delusional and I don't think I can go back to playing my role in the family of the rescuer (i think). I am normally the one that will apologize for something I didn't completely do, and give her everything she needs in order to keep the peace. She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.

With people on the NPD spectrum, they know the Golden Rule too. I think they assume the rules don't apply to them. I think for BPD- they feel like a victim defending themselves.

It seems that being nice to them doesn't work to have them reciprocate and be nice too. It just makes you vulnerable . I don't want to treat people poorly in return. Their behavior is on them. To retaliate is to operate on that level. So going to neutral- gray rock, not reacting, ignoring them, or in a social situaton, being cordial but not too close is the middle ground. Also boundaries.

Notwendy and TelHill,
Thank you for understanding. It seems we need to have a special toolbox for disordered people who can never apologize for their bad behaviors, use love bombing as a tactic to win people over then become abusive. Our challenge is to not take their behaviors personally even though the abuse hurts especially when it is a close family member or someone we have to see on a regular basis. The golden rule really does not apply with these people. I promised myself that I will never get into a competition with a disordered person of who can treat the other person worse as a vendetta, though certainly I think those thoughts.

It is the right thing.

Be prepared for lovebombing. When it fails, they'll try to get your attention in weird ways to make you talk to them.

I stopped talking a few years ago. Don't plan to ever start. It makes them realize forever is a long time.

Sunny, that's fantastic.  Like they say, a goal without a plan is just a wish. I have a feeling you're going to make your dream come true, as long as you don't let your sister derail your plan!

If I had another piece of advice, I think it would be this:  you're young, and so you're just starting out.  While you can save up by cutting expenses, typically a faster way to save up is to boost your income.  Two straightforward options here are to get a promotion and/or work more hours.  Sometimes they go together:  if you work extra hours, you grow your skills faster, and it's easier to get promoted.  And when you earn the extra income, try not to let "lifestyle inflation" eat it all up.  Another tip is to try to find a work situation that offers what I call RUNWAY.  Basically, runway is the opposite of a dead-end job.  Runway is a clear path ahead for a takeoff--to a better job with better pay.  Ideally, the runway is wide, meaning you could take off in a couple of different directions (OPTIONALITY), and maybe land at another company (with your transferrable skills).  If your current situation doesn't offer any runway, you might think about finding it elsewhere.

I'm mentioning runway because the adult pwBPD in my life seems not to understand it one bit.  She's typically drawn to part-time, "easy" and "unstressful" employment situations, typically a micro business run by a lady or two--think boutique store or niche service situation.  The way I see that sort of job is, while it may be OK for the moment (a part-time job is better than NO job after all), there's no runway.  The small business owner has a tiny budget, there's no peer group, no training program, no benefits, no network, few clients, and, longer-term, no runway.  Generally speaking, I think a safer bet would be to start at a bigger, more established organization offering the opposite:  training, higher pay, benefits, a peer group, mentors, name recognition, quality projects, ample resources (e.g. technology), opportunities to hone transferrable skills, opportunities for professional growth and promotion, RUNWAY.

I'm not advocating finding a job solely to maximize income.  But money gives you options, which increases feelings of power and security--and ultimately, wellness.  I'm just trying to advise you to think smart (and work smart) about how to save up for your dream situation.

Just my two cents.

Hi everyone,

I was with my partner for 12 months until he said he needed to pull back from the emotional and intimate intensity. We cried together, he said he loved me but our life doesn’t align and he is scared to lose me and wants to be friends. I had a feeling he had been building a close relationship with a good friend and was pulling away from me to give himself energy to focus on her. The pull back was 2 weeks ago, and the depth of separation was deeper than I expected. Initially he still messaged me regularly but kept it surface, continued to check in but hope you’re okay vs how are you curiosity, then a few days gap, a 10 minute call and a lie that said he was on his way home but snap showed he was in an area he’d been at more often. He ended up staying there Friday to Sunday and has ghosted me since. I had previously set a boundary that because my emotions were so raw I needed to step back to safely heal if he was seeing someone else. He had reassured me but seeing all the pieces together I said I’m going to step back a little and look after myself but I will still be his friend in a low pressure way. The message didn’t get read, but I know he saw it. It’s been 5 days since no contact. I have checked in once a day in a light way but I am going to stop for now. I understood the risks going in, and I completely understand why. I had an amazing 11 months with him he was my best friend. It is such a confusing shock to the system to be discarded abruptly though. Psychosomatic symptoms and grief cycle have been intense.

Keen to hear experience on trying to maintain a low key friendship with someone after a rupture like this. That is if he chooses or has capacity to reconnect with me.

It feels unatural to us to do this but I think you did the right thing.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

I took water lifeguard classes. The first several lessons were about how to keep yourself safe. A main one was to not let the drowning person grab on to you. A drowing person is frantic and will grab on to you and push you down in an attempt to get air. They aren't being bad "bad" - they are frantic and want air.

If the person is a conscious adult, able to understand instructions- use something you can extend to them- a float, handle of a pool net- tell them to grab it and pull them in.

If none is available, we then practiced ways to hold on to them without them being able to grab on to us. We also learned ways to get out of the grip of someone who grabbed on to us.

I didn't go on to become a lifeguard, but was interested in learning about it and it also was a good lesson about helping in general and understanding our own abilities.

If you feel yourself emotionally drowning-- first get yourself to safety.