I think you need to understand her mind is going to be completely Loony-Tunes for the forseeable future because she realizes she's losing the foundation for her existence.  Not to defend her; I think it's awful how she treated you, and you're completely in the right to move on from her, but I imagine that's what she's going through.  She's going to do and say whatever in a desperate attempt to either: 1) get you to back down so she can go back to what she felt was "normal" i.e. a husband she could walk all over and control (hence her threat to make trouble b/c you're staying in the house), or find a new rescuer to fill the void (e.g. the oversharing and narrative fabrication with strangers).  Her actions might not appear rational, or even seem to further either of those goals, but she's desperate and pwBPD have a tenuous grasp of reality to begin with. In her mind, her personal situation is the only thing that matters right now, and everything else, including your kids and the concept of the "truth" are just pawns in a game.

Don't get too hung up on what she's saying or doing... just let the storm blow itself out.  Like @Notwendy said, a lot of people will figure it out and she'll lose credibility.  If something requires a response, for example, the issue you had with your neighbor over the cat, you may want to just let them know you didn't have a problem.  If you feel you have to go into detail, maybe mention something like you're going through a divorce and tensions are high in your home.  You being calm when you convey something like that, while your STBxw goes into histrionics, speaks volumes to any third party observing things. 

It is revealing to see how they warp narratives to suit themselves, like the thing with the cat.  It never really ends... recently, our daughter had an issue on her youth sports team b/c BPDxw didn't sign a liability waiver for the season.  So our daughter had to sit for one game until she was able to print it out and sign it.  I had no idea one was even due; I didn't enroll her in the league or get any paperwork.  Anyways, that day I got bombarded by texts messages accusing me of not getting the waiver signed, the coach being upset with me, and her claiming he confronted me at her last practice.  None of this was true!  I didn't even speak with him that day.  But BPDxw will say and do anything to dodge blame and avoid responsibility for herself, and has no shame whatsoever.  My daughter didn't fall for it, and told me later she knew her mom screwed up when I asked how her game that weekend went. 

In the end, that's maybe the best result you can hope for... keeping your credibility while the pwBPD loses theirs.  You can't stop them from behaving like a lunatic, just, like I said, let them do their thing, and try to avoid the fallout as much as possible.  Don't give them what they want, and contribute to the drama by "wrestling in the mud."


If you're getting divorced, you don't need to keep giving into her demands, e.g. installing a new Ring camera. 

You have an attorney, right? 

I would document all this.  Literally sit down and write this all out, along with dates things happen and if you have corroborating evidence (texts, phone call logs, pictures) include that.  I would do this to impress upon your attorney how volatile your situation is, and how quickly you need a resolution before something blows up .  Maybe they can push for a hearing, or get the living situation resolved.  You absolutely should try to keep the home for your kids' sake; let her go get her own place.  Once you surrender that, you're in a worse position in terms of maintaining primary custody for your son. 

Also, document her use of marijuana.  No judgment from me, but a lot of judges are very conservative and view that as not a "family friendly" activity.

My guess:  your brother "punishes" his daughter whenever she does anything "fun" without him, or "fraternizes" with other other members of the family "behind his back."  He lashes out when she gets home:  "You're late, you didn't do your chores, you neglected me, I have to do everything around here, you excluded me, you don't respect me, so next time you want something from me, well just forget about it, you don't deserve any favors because you're disrespectful and don't do anything for me."  He's furious whenever his daughter gets some fun and attention, and he's insanely jealous, and so she's learned she has to include her dad or face his misplaced wrath.  The result?  She doesn't get invited much anymore, because it's weird, and it starts to feel like surveillance.  Ultimately she can become isolated.  I think this could be akin to the covert, controlling behaviors that are typical of pwBPD/NPD, and I'm bringing it up in case readers can relate.  I'm not saying it's exactly what happened, but I've experienced this sort of thing before.  Sometimes the victims don't know what's worse:  having a social life but facing the BPD wrath, isolating, or draging the BPD along to social situations with a high risk of "spoiling" behavior.

I approach things the same way.  For my BPD kid or BPD ex, I'm kind to them whenever we talk and I genuinely want to see them have a great life.  But at the same time, I fully accept that it may be months or years before I ever hear from them again and I'm 100% okay with that. 

I've learned that either I can be in the center of their world and all the drama that comes from that, or I can be a distant friend who's mostly painted white.  I much prefer the latter- no drama, no fuss, and let someone else be caught up in all the chaos.  I don't have to be in direct contact because I know that ultimately leads to conversations I don't want to have anymore.  Even if things are great, eventually something will happen that brings back all the disordered stuff.

In other words, I'm no longer a favorite person or a sworn enemy...I'm just someone from their past that they can turn to occasionally.  Neither want a real relationship and honestly I don't either, not at the cost it brings.

For instance, my BPD kid texted me the other day to tell me a volcano was erupting in the Philippines and it looked like a meteor hit just behind it on live footage.  She wanted to know if I was close to the volcano (I'm not) and we texted about that for a bit, then she called me to catch up a little.  I hadn't heard from here for months before that and I may not hear from here for many more months.  That's okay though because the relationship works, it's stable.

I agree and that's what happened in my situation.  Even though my ex-wife walked away, half the house was still hers and I was forced to sell.  I loved that home immensely since that's where my kids grew up and where my parents retired up until their passing (in a cabin on the property).  I dreaded selling! 

But a few years out from getting the home sold, my mindset has completely changed.  It had to be done and I'm thankful for being able to move on.  It was also cathartic to get rid of all the junk we collected over the decades, to narrow things down to what really mattered.  And honestly, you'd be shocked at how little was worth keeping.  I didn't want any of the "stuff" other than some photos and personal items. 

I refused to fight over furniture or stuff like that...why?  It's all easily replacable.  I kept my mom's dining room table set because of sentimental value, but everything else went to the ex, other family, or charity.  I wanted a completely fresh start.

Wow, this is a lot, but it's also in line with behaviors that others have seen too.

I am glad you found a CODA group that is helpful to you. The 12 step programs have been helpful to me as well.

About all these people your wife is telling stories to. Generally, I think women are more likely to share emotional information with other women compared to men, but TMI with aquaintances is not typical. If I'm at a sport event or other public event, and meet someone I'm not close to, and she starts sharing TMI about husbands, marriage- it gets my spidey sense up. I might begin to consider these allegations at first, but when the person keeps on talking it becomes clearer that something is "off" about them. It's an indicator of poor boundaries.

You've got your lawyer, your CODA group and people close to you. If something needs legal defense- like slander- then your lawyer can guide you on that. As to your wife venting to neighbors, people at a game- it's embarrasing but it also makes people uncomfortable. I think people will probably see this in time.

This reminds me of a time many years ago when I invited my grown niece to a restaurant one Sunday after services.  She's single but she only agreed if her parents were included.  Maybe she didn't want them left out, maybe they'd said some bad things about me, I never did figure out why.  It was so awkward and sad at the same time.  There was no incident then but I never invited her again.  Needless to say, I haven't had contact with my brother, who lives close nearby, ever since there he vented about details with my mother's estate a decade ago.  I've concluded that he's been a sourpuss my entire life and a likely PD.  It just is - I can't change it - and I leave it at that.

Frankly, if she is unwilling to change, then she won't change.  Accept that.  You can't fix her.  Only she can choose to want to fix herself, typically that requires she start and apply meaningful therapy over years.

Maybe you're thinking that after a divorce the kids would be alone with her.  Well, you already "leave your kids alone with her" if you leave the residence to go off to work, shopping, etc.  The real question is whether you will strategize and seek as much parenting as possible during and after a divorce.  And that is from the very start, beginning with the court's temp order.  Reality check: Too frequently temp orders tend to morph into final decrees, so do your best to get the best (least bad) initial temp order from the very start.  This is not the time to try to be fair to her.  Courts won't give you credit for being overly fair, just don't be nasty.

Frankly, a house is a lesser concern.  Families, even in divorce, move all the time.  A house is not a home... Home is where you live.  If neither of you can maintain the house separately, then it must be sold and the equity, if any, split.  That's just the reality.

And no, despite what she insists and dictates, you are not required to be magnanimous and pay all her expenses.  Yes, there may be child support (if you don't get more than 50% scheduled parenting time) and short term spousal support or alimony for a couple years (so she can find employment if not already employed and get situated in post-divorce life) but that's about it.

Hi Strawberry,

I think that a pwBPD can't stand to see other people happy, because it's in stark contrast to his own negativity, and it reminds him just how unhappy he is.  Basically, he can't be happy for others when he's feeling inferior, miserable and victimized.  In addition, he's jealous of all the positive attention you'll get from parents and other siblings if you have them.  He can't stand not to be the center of attention, right?  He'll think, all the congratulations, well wishes, presents, visits, etc. should come his way, not yours.  Since you're the same gender as your brother, he can't help but compare himself to you.

Anyway, if your brother has cut off contact with you, I'd say, you go ahead and respect his desire for space.  That's his way of saying that he can't handle the negative feelings that well up when he interacts with you, which probably reminds him of all the ways he feels inferior to you.  Generally my advice on these boards is to consider sending a neutral text or card with a Happy Birthday or Happy Holidays message on those occasions, just to show you haven't forgotten him and you're not excluding him, sort of the way you might send greetings to a distant cousin or a business colleague.  But otherwise, I'd say it's important to respect his desire for space.  My guess is he'll reach out only when he's ready.

Just my two cents.  Congratulations on your growing family.  I'd advise to try not to let your disgruntled brother ruin it for you.  He's going to feel how he's going to feel, and if he has untreated BPD, then his demeanor defaults to negative, and there's nothing you can do about that.

You mentioned a possible divorce and a great resource that may will help you avoid many of the unexpected traps and pitfalls of our sort of protracted divorce is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (updated 2021).

There is so much to add but where to start?  Our thoughts, suggestions and time-tested strategies are many.  Too many to list all at once.  Please browse other posts and you will find many insights and ideas that may fit your needs.  Feel free to continue posting and asking questions.

Often having children together means the divorce will be more complicated with custody and parenting schedule issues.  Now that the children are school age, it makes sense that your spouse should no longer continue as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM).  In all legal stances and paperwork going forward, one theme is that she needs to find employment or a career, if at all possible.

And, of course, in the interim, no more children.

Another thought... If neither parent can afford to assume ownership (pay off the other's equity, new mortgage, real estate taxes, insurance & utility bills) of the house, then likely the only solution is to sell the property and each parent can use their portion of the equity to find their new residences.

However - and this is a big however - she is likely to try to to get interim possession of the home so she can gain perceived leverage to assume primary care of your son in the temp order.  The problem is that temp orders often continue for the entire length of the divorce case and our protracted ?PD cases take a year or two.  At the end the court may default to letting the temp order morph into the final decree, reasoning this seems to have worked.  That is why we encourage our members to strategize and seek the best - or least bad - temp order from the very start.