I’ve certainly noticed that with my ex, she was passive aggressive, highly critical and rude to me but very friendly and cheery with other people. I guess they reserve all of their _____ for their favorite person.

I wouldn’t say she was nasty to me the last time we spoke, just very short, indifferent and cold.. 

Yeah, I'm not expecting much, but I figured if there was a police report made that day regarding the accident, it could substantiate my claim and my daughter's claim of the incident.

a simple "Homeowner reports unknown vehicle hit their mailbox and drove away" would be something at least.  And any other details, such as "white SUV" would go a long way to confirming it, as well as subpoenaing any repairs or insurance claims she's had to make during that time

Probably the best option at the moment - you certainly can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Leave the ball in her court, at least for a while. Nothing wrong with sending her a brief 'hi, how you doing?' message after a while if you'd still like to keep the relationship going.

In the meantime, concentrate on yourself and your mental and physical well-being. We all know how thoroughly draining a BPD relationship can be. See friends, do hobbies and try to remember that you deserve a good life, not one of chaos and conflict. None of this is your fault, you were dealing with someone who sadly has a mental illness.

The 'Three C's' is often quoted here.. they are 'You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it'. Be kind to yourself.


As I said, it might be final and it may not be. BPD's are capable of saying the most hurtful and cruel things in the heat of the moment and then can wipe them from their mind and deny ever having said them. Quite scary when you think of it.

This is how they can verbally rip you to pieces then next day smile and act as if nothing had happened - because in their minds, it didn't. Having said that though, I've always believed they are far more aware of their actions than they would have us believe. My exBPD would be really nasty when it was just the two of us but then instantly be nice if people came around - this shows a certain level of self-control and premeditation.

Without professional treatment though, BPD is a repeating cycle. Every time my ex came back there was the brief 'nice' period where I thought 'this time things will be different'.. but of course this didn't last and the chaos would start all over again.

I think I’m getting worse and longer ptsd flashbacks to similar feelings from childhood. I haven’t had them this bad in a while. I think it’s due to the grief, and also feeling tired and depleted, which tends to be a trigger for me.

Thanks for holding this space, it gave me room to feel less self
Critical and acknowledge that I’ve been struggling some.

Might this approach help deflect some of the pain of what your loved one is spouting?  Admittedly, the endless negativity will still be hurtful, but it will frame the insulting allegations and insinuations quite differently.

Reset "the reason she was triggered as a kid was because I abused her" to "the reason she was triggered as a kid was because I called her a pink elephant".  Silly yes, but it makes the point that her claims are not just false - which you already know - but ludicrous in a less hurtful way.

Emotionally she's like a two or three year old having a tantrum, she's feels hurt, so she has to make you feel hurt however she can.  Well, she's an adult now, no excuse, though you can't force her to see reality.  For people with BPD traits, feelings are their version of reality.

Yes, all of that makes sense. I think I am just so confused and lost. I am having a hard time figuring out if my ex truly did have BPD or if it was more than that. To the people that I am describing this to, they either say that he could possibly have the worst case of BPD they've heard of or that maybe he also has NPD or ASPD.

I feel so responsible. I truly believe that I made it worse. But at this point, I also cannot tell if that was all by design and he convinced me of that. There were absolutely times that I kept my cool and I let him go through my whole phone and accuse me of texting other men or of deleting texts and I let him rage and yell and throw stuff and I just stayed calm and quiet. But there were times when I couldn't control myself and after days of being stonewalled or accused or after hours of petty jabs, I would snap and I would say things back that I regretted. He made me feel like I was untrustworthy and disloyal. That I had made him so jealous because of my behavior. I would spend weeks, months trying to convince him that I was worthy of his love and of being trusted. I AM crazy for trying so hard. For blaming myself. For holding myself to these impossible standards but not holding him to the same ones. For telling myself well he's unwell so I have to let it slide. Or he's unwell so I can't expect him to understand. Or his exes cheated on him, of course he fears that I will do the same. Yes, I know they can lie about these things but I did confirm that it for sure happened with at least 2 of them.

He would have me send him videos of all of my notifications throughout the day because he thought I was texting other men at work. I had my location on for him nonstop. I would rush to answer my phone quickly so that he didn't get suspicious if it took longer to text back. I would tell him when I was getting in the shower in case it took a little too long to respond. Had to text when I was leaving, when I got home. If god forbid, someone from my past did reach out, I had to tell him/show him immediately or he would think that we had this whole conversation and I deleted it or deleted some of it to make it more palatable. There was once when he spent hours begging for me to come over while also saying to stay away (the whole testing you to see if you will still come no matter what they're saying thing) and I finally fold at like 1am. So I go over there and he won't let me in. For almost 2 hours, I sit in the 40-50 degree cold on the cement outside his door. Begging to be let in. FINALLY he does and he tells me, "don't touch me, don't touch my dog, don't turn off the tv(it's blaring), just shut up and go to sleep" and I do. I just lay there in the dark, horribly uncomfortable because I couldn't get under the covers and I'm too scared to complain or move. And I'm too scared to leave him. Why didn't I leave? Because I was set on proving to him that I wasn't going to abandon him. That he wasn't unlovable like he so feared. Stuck in a whirlwind. Thinking that if I just stick it out, eventually he will see that I mean it when I say I love him. That I mean it when I say I'm not going anywhere.

It's also so confusing because the good times were so magical. And at the beginning, there was a whole lot more good than bad. He once drove me home from work because I was sick. He bundled me up on the couch, kissed my head and made me homemade soup. Put on disney movies for me while he rubbed my feet. Or for dates sometimes we would take these wonderful romantic night time bike rides through the city. Stop at parks to explore or have a picnic. The way we would explore together made me feel like I was a teenager again. In love and free. He helped me make dietary changes that truly made me feel healthier. We went to shows together and the drive in. Went on incredibly fun road trips. Cooked together. We would go swimming and he would just hold me and stare into my eyes while telling me how beautiful I was. All kinds of wonderful romantic movie type memories.

I am just a complete mess ya'll.

So... your brother does have a house he owns and rents out.  That voids the "where would I go, I'd be homeless" claim.

Of course he could claim, "The renters have a lease, I just can't kick them out."  Yes, but I bet he keeps renewing the lease or gets new tenants when the current ones leave.

Hi there Broken,

I'm so sorry you've reached us feeling broken, but I think most parents here can relate.

If you'll allow me a little mind reading here, what I see is you have an intelligent daughter.  Why?  Because her accusations are both plausible and irrefutible.  She says you've "never been the mom she NEEDED" and she has "never felt LOVED."  Both accusations are impossible to deny.  Well, sort of, because "never" is an extreme term that is likely exaggerated.  Anyway, how your daughter frames her accusations indicates to me that she's likely smart and savvy, as well as manipulative.  Why?  Because you can't argue with her, and you also can't do anything to fix the situation.  Not that you can ever fix someone else's feelings, let alone their entire life, but that's another point entirely.

I think your title sums it up well, that your daughter is playing a Blame Game.  It's not a fun game to play, because you can't possibly win.  She's going to blame you for ruining her life, even if you had no input on any of her decisions causing her current distress.  My guess is that she does this to avoid intense feelings of shame--for making the poor decisions, wrecking relationships, feeling like a failure, not really finding her way in the adult world.  At the core is her fragile, insecure sense of self, basically an inferiority complex tinged with jealousy, which feeds her victim mindset.  I've written here before that I think a victim mindset is probably the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter powerless.  She rejects taking responsibility for her own life and blames other people instead, especially you.  But in a way, she is powerless, because her extreme emotions hijack her brain on a daily basis.  She thinks others are causing her distress, and she expends all her mental bandwidth reading into ancient and current perceived slights and grievances, twisting facts and fabricating a narrative of constant trauma, even when nobody meant to hurt her.  Many pwBPD can take the the blame game too far, going "nuclear" with dire threats and having frequent, angry outburts over seemingly nothing.

Let me guess, your daughter is a young adult?  She's been in therapy before, but she thinks it doesn't work?  I'm guessing she's had at least some therapy, because she's really homing in on her key issues:  feeling both needy and unloved.  Saying that you aren't the mom she needs sounds a bit like therapy-speak to me.  At any rate, I think that most parents here would probably agree that their BPD kid needs a ton of emotional caretaking / reassurances / support, and that they generally feel unloved, by practically everyone.  That's probably why abandonment is a huge issue for BPD.

If any of this sounds familiar, I think it's because it's classic BPD.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.  She's smart, she's trying to push your buttons.  I'm not sure which buttons she's pushing right now, but she might be pushing the generic Guilt button as well as the ATM button, or maybe the Free Housing or Free Babysitting button.  She'll keep pushing these buttons until she gets what she wants.  But if you don't give her what she demands, then typically she'll try estrangement, which is her way to punish you with her absence.  Though you might have a temporary reprieve from the constant onslaught of negativity, you might mourn her absence, as well as the absence of any "normal" mother-daughter relationship.  That too is classic BPD in my opinion.

Where does that leave you?  Probably sad, worried, distressed, guilt-ridden, depressed, exhausted.  That's why here we recommend self-care.  If you need a break, take it.  If you need therapy, get it.  If you need to vent, come here, we understand.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, and unfortunately you can't fix it.  Your daughter can though, if she really wants to and takes therapy seriously.

All my best to you.

One time my ex came to my home with an officer for a failed exchange.  Later when I tried to get the officer's record of the visit it was a simple page for the shift with columns including address and simple resolved or not resolved columns.  There was no detail about the interchanges or issues.  In that instance the records were unhelpful.

Thank you for your replies, js friend and Pook075. Yes, you would think that not only I but our other family members and friends would have picked up on all these “selfs” as the therapist called them. Actually had a video session with the therapist with my son and my grandson’s mother so that she could help us understand DID. (Oh and did I mention that I’m the one paying for all this bs therapy?) I can’t help but be skeptical like both of you since it seems the diagnoses seem to shift and change even with the same therapists. My only hope is that the current therapist is somehow able to provide him with some type of treatment and advice that will actually help him.