Hi Orphan, welcome-glad you found your way here.

That kind of dynamic wears you down over time-having to filter everything you say because it might get twisted or shared. It makes sense you’ve pulled back to protect your sanity.

What stood out is that you’ve found a way to hold both truths-you’ve forgiven her, and at the same time you’re keeping distance. That’s not easy, but it’s often what stability looks like in situations like this.

From here, keeping it simple and consistent can help:
   •   limit what you share (low-information contact)
   •   expect patterns, not change
   •   stay anchored in your boundaries, not her reactions

If you want to share-what tends to happen when she crosses that line now?

Hi marchstar, welcome-glad you found your way here.

That’s a heavy mix-BPD plus trauma from an abusive relationship. Makes sense you’re looking for ways to support her without it overwhelming both of you.

You’ve already done a lot by educating yourself. From here, keeping it simple can help:

   •   DBT (skills for regulation and stability)
   •   Trauma-informed therapy (at her pace)
   •   For you: boundaries + validation (support without taking it all on)

If you’re open to sharing-what kind of support is she getting right now?

Hi and welcome - glad you’re here.

Quick note: I saw this got posted a few times, so I cleaned up the duplicates just to keep things tidy. This thread is a good place to continue.

You’re on the right track looking for DBT-based dual diagnosis programs. And if local options are limited, virtual can actually work really well too.

Hopefully others can jump in with some good suggestions.

Hi and welcome - glad you found your way here.

25+ years of walking on eggshells, adjusting yourself to her anger, and not getting your needs met… that wears a person down. Even if things improved a bit with medication, the core dynamic didn’t really change.

You don’t need to solve whether this is BPD or not. The real question is: can this relationship, as it is, work for you anymore?

Hi I wantmorepeace,

I've gone through periods of NC with my late dBPD mother and it had mixed results. I did this as a way of coping with my late mother before I ever heard of BPD. 

She was all consuming and controlling. For example, she'd leave 10 vm's full of rages on my phone within 30 minutes if I didn't answer. She was sure I was dead. She wad furious that I stopped contacting her.

After multiple NCs she learned not to rage but still called excessively thinking I was dead. She'd rage and abuse in person regardless.

I trief BIFF with my mom and my ex-husband. It didn't work well. I was screamed at for changing the relationship and acting weird. It caused more trouble with it than without it. 

Low contact and strategic grey rock (giving them lots of info you don't mind them having -redecorating your living room for example) while not giving them any information (getting a high paying job, eg) they've smeared you with in the past works better for me.

I have an exuberant, happy demeanor so BIFF might be more jarring, or look like I'm about to cut all ties. 

NC and BIFF may work with normal people. You have to discern if it would work with a family member with a personality disorder.

Hi AlleyOop23, I usually post on the parent/sibling board, but I was married to someone who I think was uBPD with sociopathic traits.  My late ex-husband exercised coercive control over me through regular physical attacks and emotional abuse. I allowed him to financially exploit me in fear of what the consequences of leaving him would be.  I received an overabundance of texts and vms from him (500+ in one week) when we separated. It gave me a big ick and felt super creepy. I wished to God he would stop.

I was shocked when I felt the pull to protect him and make sure he was okay too. I felt obligated to answer his crazy emails and struggled not to.

I think marriage and having kids bonds people in a profound, deep way. I'm a practicing Catholic and we had a Catholic ceremony. Marriage is a sacrament which imparts divine grace from God, beyond human comprehension and it's a permanent bond.  It's a mystery why this is so but it simply is.

I think there's a grain of truth in this for secular marriages and partnerships. It could be the essence of what constitutes a trauma bond when a spurned BPD partner goes terribly off the rails.

My go-tos were to be married and his wife. My emotions were suprisingly saying 'so what, I don't care!' to the abuse and violence I suffered.

I read that our emotions lag behind our intellect. It seemed to be true for me. Breaking the trauma bond took an act of my will like going running everyday at 7am or not having donuts for breakfast.  It didn't feel natural, I didn't want to do it some days, but I knew it was good for me.

I'd suggest sending her long emails to your attorney. She's breaking the law and it's giving you more unwanted pain. You'd be setting a boundary that her behavior is unacceptable. I took out a restraining order to make my then husband stop the excessive contact. A county sheriff delivered the order to him. My ex obeyed after that.

My emotions switched slowly away from being a loving wife to a single woman who survived terrible abuse and is very happy to be free from that person.

The last step in no contact is really when you are not emotionally affected that much by your wife's constant criticism of you. This is not likely a reasonable goal right now as how she behaves affects both your children and you, And you can only go low contact with her until she no longer has custody due to a court decision or your children have aged out of the system. A more realistic goal for now might be to find ways to be less emotionally overwhelmed with less intensity and for shorter periods of time by her aberrant behaviors. Certainly ongoing exposure to her rants and rages is not good for you even if it is over email as you are human being with feelings and sensitivities. Not too many people could listen to the degree of criticism she is constantly throwing out you without being negatively affected.

If you can focus on being pragmatic it might help. Tell yourself that the reality is the negative effect on your relationships with others. I know I was conditioned to look forward to the reset between awful scenes, so that I could feel good again, and that it was a fantasy.

I've become used to thinking grey rock, but even last night he found a way to get my attention when he wanted to call one of the grandchildren on a school night. Turned into me listening to griping about how seldom we see them (they live two states away), and that being a grandfather is no fun anymore. Since I didn't engage, he never got around to saying that he can't do anything right, and blaming me.

I don't feel sympathetic toward him because of the stress he's caused me, but I know what you mean about seeing how it could have been. I forget for a minute what he turned my life into being, but I do that less and less.

You have time and the chance to make a good life for yourself and your kids. Looking back and knowing that you did the right thing will help, I think.

First time poster, been reading some of the threads and they hit home with me. I don't know where to start... some background I guess is I am 10 years younger and I was adopted by her parents. I am of no blood relation, I have another sister who has been pushed out of the family as well and I still am unsure as to why fully. There is more to that than I know I believe, but that sister is a pre-curser for how my sister treats me.
- The past few years she has been going up and down on whether she hates me or loves me, she says that she is supportive and wants me happy then she turns around and tells me how I ________ed up or did something wrong
-she constantly loves to remind people, myself included, what all she has done for them and how no one ever does anything for her & No one cares about her or what she wants.
-She will use my other sister against me, saying "you are just like her" when she knows that bothers me.
- I have gotten into a relationship a few years ago and was going to be moving a few hours away so we can be together, she threw a fit and told me how i take advantage of people and how I will just use him and I moved for a man and not for me. She stopped talking to me for about 3 months prior to this because I asked her to talk to a therapist.
    -she thought I was moving to one place, and ended up posting to facebook how she will be moving there for a job, little did she know I was not moving to that area but somewhere completely different.
- I got engaged and she did not like this. She has been with her boyfriend for years and he has yet to propose, so she hates that I am happy. She has this idea I want her life, my other sister wanted her life. So she is kicking us out.
-I told her where the honeymoon was going to be and she freaked out because she had always wanted to go there, the cut of the diamond my fiance was thinking about was the same cut she wanted (I had no input nor clue of either) She wanted to get married in a certain location and thought I was going to do that too, I did not want that at all. We had talked through that and it was okay for a while.
- She drilled me about my fiance's past and I would not give her all of the information or very little because she is not to be trusted with anything or she will blow it up out of proportion, which is leading to why I am seeking advice now.
- It has come to the point I am close to the wedding, there was a hard boundary set with my mother by my fiance (mind you i had little part in) and my mother told my sister... now she has declined to go to my wedding, and I tried to call her to have a conversation, she has told me we need to end communication for a long time, if ever and I had put her in a bad place with HER family and she will not stand for it.
-she loves to use the terms "My family, My mother, My father" to me knowing it hurts because I am not blood.
-My sister has been trying to push me out for years, now my mother is in the middle and I have yet to talk to her about it because I am still too emotional. She will always side with my sister, regardless of knowing how she is. the family will do whatever they need to in order to keep the peace and the more I have stepped back and watched, the more I cannot let this effect my own mental health.
- they now have been thinking my fiance is some woman beater, cheater, creeper... He is none of these things, he has a rough past and frankly I dont think i need to justify my choice of a partner to my family. They need to trust me and my decisions, they dont have to agree but they need to accept.
- My sister has ended contact, which I am completely fine with, the thing that is getting to me is the FOG portion of it and how I feel obligated to my family (parents mostly) to keep a relationship with my sister... i dont know how much longer I can stand it.
-My anxiety is so high when she reaches out to me, or when I feel I have to reach out to her because that was her most recent complaint is that I am isolating myself and I am removing myself from the family, I live hours away, raising a family and trying to become a parent myself. I go there as often as I can without exhausting myself and I talk to everyone as often as I can. I don't understand what to do next or how to navigate this at all.
-Please, any advice or support on this would be greatly appreciated... I am at a loss. I love my sister, I can never have a normal relationship with her, I am afraid if I go NC I will lose the rest of my family like my other sister did.

Thank you

Hi again,

Pook175, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that when your daughter was in her teens. It sounds so incredibly stressful, and scary that it reached a point where you actually had a heart attack. My understanding is that she is more stable now? I'm curious how that happened. I'm also curious if you have any thoughts on why my husband can't seem to keep it together despite attending individual therapy and DBT.

In the interim of my last post, and without any further communication from me, my husband has already sent further letters basically saying he really wants to see the kids and also that he wants to only communicate through letters (ie doesn't want to see them). He also said he is coming up with a written plan for how to see them more (this is common for him - he creates a grandiose plan for the next few months, writes it out in a chart format, does it for a few days and then forgets about it). Whatever the case, his emotions are clearly all over the place. I did send him a letter yesterday, which I assume he has not seen yet, saying that I think the kids would benefit from spending time with him in a structured visit, explained the parameters, and said he can suggest a day/time/place etc. I know you all said my husband could easily not show up etc., and I agree that is very true, but I think my goal here is not to manage him. It's to respond only when he makes appropriate requests, come up with parameters I am comfortable with, and give him the opportunity to follow through. It is then his choice what to do. In the past, my goal was to try to make the meeting work (or whatever it was we were working on). So this is a shift on my end.

Regarding your suggestion of writing a letters expressing my feelings without blaming him, firstly, I think I would only talk about the relationship if he makes the first move. Meaning, says something appropriate about moving forward in this domain. So far, he has said things about the relationship, but nothing that was appropriate or really deserved a response (I don't mean deserved as in owed to him, I just mean something that makes sense to reply to). I would consider your idea of expressing my feelings, but in the past, he hasn't been very responsive to my feelings or "I statements". I used to use them in the beginning of our marriage, and he wasn't even able to process that someone else had a feeling aside from him. Like if he NEEDS A COUCH NOW, it doesn't really matter how I feel about it, it's an emergency!!!! Like call 911!!! And get the couch NOW!!

What are my needs in all this...hmmm...I need him to take the initiative to help himself without me rescuing him or being a part of his chaotic cycle. I can support him and accept him as a person struggling with mental illness, but I need him at the foundation to be responsible for himself. I know this is a tall order, and we can't really control someone else. At minimum, though, I can control if I participate in the cycle. At least I think I can?