Hi, My son turned 45 yesterday.- this has been a long painful road and I have been trying to do, say, buy, help, sacrifice, love .... my adult son to a better place emotionally.  I'm tired and my anxiety is over the top. I'm scared to set limits, I'm scared of how far he'll fall, scared of his raging at me. Feeling guilty that I've failed him. Sometimes I feel manipulated but I'm not sure. I've been in a spin cycle and a part of me really wants off. As far as I know my son hasn't been officially diagnosed with bpd but he fits many of the criteria. He is in intense pain and talks suicide more than I want to hear. He's seen therapists off and on over the years. He spent 2 weeks in a facility after a suicide threat after a divorce.  He blames me for that stay. He says he was fine. Anyway, thank you all for being here. I'm sorry you've lived this. I don't burden sisters and other family talking about this. I think it's too much for people. It feels too much for me too. BTW, he isn't in treatment,  I've recently started therapy. Thank you

Thank you so much, Pook075, Zachira, and NotWendy. Connecting and hearing from all of you truly means a great deal. Each of you offered support and insight during a time when I felt overwhelmed, and I am grateful for the guidance you shared.

Pook075, your calm, steady way of looking at things helped me slow down and question my impulses, especially the instinct to reach out when emotions got stirred up. Your reminder to pause and ask, “Is this really necessary” will save me from slipping back into old patterns. And yes, the puppy has added so much light to my life. Thank you for your encouragement and kindness.

Zachira, I want to especially acknowledge how deeply your story and perspective impacted me. Your situation with your sister echoed mine so closely that I often felt you were putting words to emotions I could barely articulate. Thank you for lighting the path for me, and I am sure for so many others. The way you described the grief, the missing, and the clarity that no contact can bring helped me see my own path with less guilt and more compassion. Your honesty gave me strength when I needed it most, and I am profoundly grateful for that. I also think of you often and hope you continue to find peace in the boundaries you have set.

NotWendy, I want to extend my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. When I last posted here, she was still alive, and hearing of her passing surfaces complex emotions for the grieving journey you are on. Thank you for sharing your experience with her final days and for modeling how to process such layered grief with honesty and courage. Your insights helped me understand the dynamics in my own family in a clearer light.

Thank you all for being part of my journey and for offering wisdom during a time when I needed it more than I realized. Your compassion and your stories helped me find steadiness, and I am truly grateful. Sending warmth and appreciation to each of you as we continue to protect our peace and move toward healing.

I should clarify- NC with your sister- not your mother (we can't go back and edit).

Thank you for the update. I am glad for you that you have found peace. Of course you are grieving your mother and I hope it brings you peace to know that you made sure she was in competent hands, and well cared for and there was love and connection between the two of you. You were the best person to be POA for your mother and she knew you were.

I also think your decision to go NC was done in heartfelt consideration of all your efforts with her too.

My BPD mother passed away earlier this year. It's a different emotional state than what I felt with my father. With him, it was just hopeless grief. With BPD mother, I think the first week was shock, then numbness, and also fear. We were not allowed to touch any of her possessions and yet, I had to collect her personal belongings from her room, while still afraid of doing that.

I do have the assurance of knowing her last days were with competent palliative care. I was at the hospital with her. She had a proper funeral and  I believe she's at peace.

I worked with a counselor after BPD mother passed for a few weeks to process my feelings. It helped a lot. Posting here has also helped me to process this relationship and also understand some of the dynamics between my parents better.

I wish you all the best in all your new endeavors.

Mommydoc,
So glad you are enjoying life and that no contact with your sister has given you the time to heal. Thank you for the update, as we do care about you here. It always helps to hear from members who have gone full circle as it gives hope to others who are in earlier stages of figuring out the boundaries and kind of contact to have with disordered family members. I often think of my sister whom I am no contact with and especially miss her children, yet I know no contact is best for my mental health.

My mother with BPD loved Christmas and planned months ahead the perfect Christmas celebration. At some point during Christmas, she always blew up at her children for not helping her yet she would not allow her children to help that much. The last Christmas my brother with cancer was alive, we siblings decided we would sit around the dinner table to enjoy our last Christmas with our brother and let mom clean up because she could not wait to have the dishes washed for an additional hour while we siblings all enjoyed each other for the last time at Christmas. That same Christmas, our cousin was upset with my sister and I on Christmas Eve, because we would not immediately start washing the dishes while all the guests were still there, and mom was doing the dishes. Mom just could not enjoy the moment, without getting upset that her house was a mess, and often focused on immediately getting everything cleaned up, like all the presents put away right after unwrapping them. She went after her grandchildren for leaving their computers lying around, and eventually they no longer came for Christmas. Two months after Christmas, she was furious when she found a soda can underneath a chair in a room where the grandchildren had been watching tv. They had obvious picked up after themselves, and just missed the one can.

It is very smart to keep the boundaries simple. We often spend too much time trying all kinds of solutions which only plays into the desired drama of the disordered person.

I'm also new here, so hi all! It sometimes feels too much for one person to deal with, cos the rest of the world get the charasmatic,.life and soul of the party side.I also don't understand the no JADE thing, cos it infuriates him that he's not getting any reaction, or at least not the one he wants, drama and arguments! The made up stories make u question your own memory after a while too. So, so difficult to maintain a relationship.

Thank you, NotWendy, I think you are right that she wants to project the image of a picture-perfect family - I have always sensed that the image was more important than the actual people - but I never before thought of it as a way of trying to make up for other things. That is a more generous and kind view of the situation, and I will try to remember to include more compassion in my memories of Christmas with her.

Think of your daughter like a flame.  To burn, she needs a flammable material (wood, paper, cloth, etc.) and an actual spark.

For a long time, you were her spark.  But she's moved on and found something that seems to fit better.  And that's okay, at least you're somewhat removed from her endless need for attention and blaming.

But like any flame, the material eventually burns out...relationships fall apart from an all too familiar pattern.  Like she did with you, she moves on and needs a new spark to keep her flame burning.  Maybe that's you, or your husband, or someone completely new.  But there's always that need for the basic components of who she is.

For BPDs, the people they're closest to are also the people they have the most instability with.  Relationships come and go, only to return again when there's nobody left. So this definitely is not for forever and you can't take it personal...this happens to absolutely everyone in her life at some point. 

As soon as they become irreplaceable, that flame burns brighter and the material will inevitably burn up.