Yes, I know it is much more likely that they don't get help and they just keep repeating the same cycles for most of their life. I just had so much hope and i truly love him so much. Or maybe it's a trauma bond because how can i love someone who has treated me this way? Did the things he's said. Done the things he's done. But it feels real. And so all encompassing. And I now that's part of the design but how do you even start to weed out what was real and what was a lie? I feel like if I didn't have much family or many friends, I would absolutely go back to him. I am now worried about disappointing them than I am about disappointing myself. Which I'm sure says more about me and my self worth than anything.

Hi, Ashesanddust.  There are people with bpd who, with the right professional help, make significant progress.  And there are many who don't.  We in this forum cannot know what is right for you and your situation.  But we can all validate how painful this is, how often we put more blame on ourselves than we should, and how important it is, no matter what you do next, to do it with eyes as open as they can be and as much commitment as possible to your own well-being and self-care.  Be well.

Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) have been honing their manipulative skill for much of their lives.  They know the buttons to push.  Also, they know how to both push and pull to manipulate you into becoming even more enmeshed with them.
 
We're Good Guys and Good Gals, we want to give and share more than take.  We are, overall, more positive, while acting-out disordered people are more likely to behave in negative ways, both to themselves and to others... especially those closest to them.  With BPD, the persons most impacted negatively are those closest to them.

Well he told me that he was too weak to be able to do what I said I needed. So I guess that's that. I am so stupid. He's probably just going to be with that other girl within the week. I hate that I love him still or care at all. His hooks are so far deep within me. It was so hard to not just agree to being with him again. What is wrong with me?

Hi again ForeverDad,

Thank you for your support. As I mentioned in my post, maybe the true failure is not having been able to understand the disorder on a deeper level, and being aware of the fact that understanding does not mean having it under control. I have always felt hypervigilant, even when things were good, because in the back of my mind I have always known the splitting and discards would have happened again no matter what. He refused treatment. He thinks he is fine. I knew this was a recipe for disaster, and still I hoped, and still I watched myself falling deeper and deeper.

Letting go seems impossible right now. I love him deeply, but the fact that there is no way I can go back to my life with him, and the fact that I witness every day the destruction this has brought into my life, may help.

Hi Pete,

Thank you for replying to my post. As I was telling Pook, I am not sure about the fact that he might have intentionally left it there to read. There was other stuff that he knew I would notice, now that I think about it; the camera we used to take on our day trips, the keys and manual instructions of a very expensive e-bike that I had not agreed to buy (he bought it the day after I left).

I can summarise the rest of the journal in a few sentences: the last 12 years were a nightmare, I am finally free, I am hurt but I can finally be myself because there is nobody holding me down. The 'holding me down' part hurt me the most, because I moved countries twice in the last two years while battling cancer and losing all the stability I had built just to let him 'follow his dreams' (which kept changing). In retrospect, I know I shouldn't have given up so much. I know nothing would have been enough, and I kept giving and losing myself in the process. That is something I MUST address.

Hi Pook,

Thank you. You have been a great support these months. I struggle with the idea that he can twist reality up to this point.

I know he is trying to persuade our common friends here that his version is the right one; I hope I will not lose my support network. There has been so much damage, and it seems like he is thriving on my precarious living situation. This is also nothing new, though, as I found myself in a similar situation twice before we knew he had BPD with NPD traits. I thought the diagnosis would be enough to keep him aware of the consequences of his actions. I was wrong.

I don't think he left the diary there on purpose. It was hidden, although I had to move a lot of stuff to make sure I would take everything out of the apartment. Anyway, as you said, I know for certain it is over. He still has not filed for divorce, which gives me time to ask for advice on how to proceed. I think I will have to do it.

HI CC43,

Thank you. I am trying really hard not to take it personally. There is a lot of recovery involved, and the therapist I am likely to start with soon is specialised in EMRD and trauma therapy. There has been a lot going on for a long time.

Although being familiar with the disorder, since we had the diagnosis in 2023, I was not completely aware of the mechanisms behind the discard. I remember having conversations about the idea of sorrow during his depressive phases. I remember trying to convince him that sitting with emotional pain can help a person grow and connect with others. He was always dismissive, refusing the very notion of accepting suffering. I guess I know why now. He is unable to, and started pushing me away the moment I too became a source of suffering.

Thank you both. In retrospect I had a bit of a collapse for a couple weeks, and it was a sad time but I also caught my breath a little. It’s still a lot but I relate a lot to your thoughts Hotchip.  Thank you!

Hello, I am super confused about how I've ended up in this situation. My husband who was the absolute most gem of a human went from almost idolizing me to abruptly filing for divorce. I do not have a formal diagnosis for borderline, but after reading a lot and putting pieces together it seems like that may be the case. My husband was the most wonderful caring person towards me. He would do anything for me, wanted to always spend time together, yet was encouraging of me having my own "me" time. Was great with my family and friends and everybody adored him. We had a healthy relationship and always able to work out if there was ever a disagreement. We never fought, never were verbally or physically abusive to one another. We genuinely enjoyed being with each other.

One day he suddenly acted super distant and the best I can describe it as if someone had turned off the light switch on his emotions towards me. He said there was no more spark between us. He didn't want to be at home saying I had created a "suffocating" environment (despite not a single thing changing in our lives or from my end). When I tried to offer to go out with him he would tell me that he didn't want me around, that he didn't want to have to "babysit" me (despite one of the things that attracted him to me is that I was always a very independent person, have never been codependent and had healthy relationships with both family and friends). He also thought I wasn't being supportive when he was making a decision on a grad school program when he asked my opinion on where to go. He didn't agree with my opinion and I said no problem he should go where he thought it would be the best fit. Suddenly he got into his head that I wasn't supportive of what he wanted and said that this girl that he was hanging out with a lot from his soccer team was the only one that was actually supportive. It was about 1 year of me not understanding what was happening and why my perfect husband all of a suddenly seemed to dislike me. It would get even more confusing though because when we would go out (I made it a point every week to have a date night) he would seemingly be having a good time with me and we would laugh and things would seem normal. When this was brought up he said that it was the activity that was fun, not me. I tried going to couples therapy and encouraged him to be in individual therapy and this seemed to make everything worse. He announced in therapy that the relationship was over and left the next day. His family and friends have no idea why this is happening and are very confused. Especially because they know how important our relationship and marriage was to him.

Since he left I have tried to talk to him but every interaction seems worse. He said that he was done "carrying the weight of me" which was confusing again because nothing had changed from my end. His interactions with others are apparently normal, but if anyone tries to talk to him about me he gets very mad and refuses to talk. When I tried to talk he said that I was a liar, a sneak, and I deceived. I tried to ask for an example of when I once did any of those things but he just says that he isn't going to go into it again that we have discussed it "hundreds" of times. He has erased every picture of us and our marriage/relationship. We used to write letters to each other every day during a time when we were long distance and he treasured those letters and had them put into an album. When he left I was seeing if he wanted the letters. Originally he said yes he wanted them. When I said ok I would give them to him the next day I was just going to make a copy of them, suddenly he didn't want them anymore. He has said he just wants to close this chapter of life and move on.

I am aware that you cannot force people to be together or to love someone. The confusing thing though is that this really did seem to come from one day to the next. I am self aware enough to know that I am obviously not perfect, but I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to have caused this. Neither can anyone else and boy have I asked for any objective feedback of how what I could have done to cause all this. I tried to get a different couples therapist so we could discuss what was happening and see if I could put brakes on a divorce. During that time he was very adamant that this was over and he had zero interest in me and anything about me. He would only go to a session so that I "could get closure." There was one moment though when all of a sudden he teared up and told the therapist "you don't understand. She is just so full of joy and she is little and cute and I think back to *certain memory* and I can't even look at those videos anymore because there was so much joy." After that moment I thought "hey there is my husband!" and when I tried to go more into that topic he walled off and immediately changed back to this is dead and over.

Background: He is extroverted and easily the favorite in a group setting. He is charming and kind and makes everyone at ease. Yet, he only has 1 actual close friend. His mother is bipolar and recovering alcoholic. I have considered if he is bipolar but he doesn't quite fit. It seems more of a personality issues with emotions vs. mania or severe depression. I have known him since I was a kid and it seems like there was a lot of traumatic experiences going on at home that none of us ever knew as kids. He did a good job hiding it. But I do believe that led to inappropriately having to care for his mother as a kid that should have never happened. He has a distant relationship with his family and his family just labels him as a "screw up." He is high functioning, extremely smart. Yet he is now on his 3rd career change, crazy enough to be a clinical psychologist... He sometimes has these over confident moments like he is invincible yet his own self esteem is pretty low. He used to joke that I would leave him one day which I never understood. In high school there was a suicide attempt but I just thought it was because of all the stress that was happening with his family/teenage hormones/impulse control. Never as an adult has there been any self harm. To my knowledge there was no infidelity or cheating.

I write all this coming from a place of being very hurt, sad, and being in love. Of losing my best friend and husband all at once and truly not understanding it (and neither can anyone else). Since I am not familiar with this potential diagnosis, my question comes down to is there any hope for him to come back? I know that this is personal and nobody is in my husband's brain. But do people who are borderline come back after some time? Does the storyline in their head ever revert back to how things were? Or is this a permanent loss? I took a vow when I was married to be there for sickness and health. I am not trying to abandon my husband. He filed for divorce and wants nothing, just wants to not have me around as his wife. I am trying to see is this like bipolar disorder where people can go through cycles? Like if someone is manic and they come down from the mania. Is there a cycle that he could come down from and be like "oh crap what have I done?" Or is this new found hatred of me a permanent thing? Thank you...