Thank you both SO MUCH for the reply. I truly feel so alone in this. We have been separated about 1.5 years and legally divorced about 7 months. The divorce agreement stipulated that she would stay in the house and I'd continue to pay the mortgage. This keeps her in a much nicer home than she could otherwise afford (with the dog, who I also want to keep in a home) and I retain partial ownership of the house. Unfortunately, it also means we have to collaborate on home maintenance issues. So, we are tied together financially. She is retired and I am much younger so continue to work 2 jobs to maintain her lifestyle and my own living expenses.  This is my reward for being the only one working in the home the past 20 years. Lol. Anyway.....I'd be far less bitter about working myself into exhaustion to afford this court-ordered arrangement if she would just leave me alone. For the past 1.5 years I have been held hostage to suicide threats and weekly / sometimes daily (all day while Im trying to work) texts about how I need to do or say or confess this/that/the other to "help her move forward." But she is NOT moving forward no matter how much I have tried to "help." I remarried a few months ago and did not tell her - on the advice of my own therapist - because she was suicidal over the holidays. Of course she found out and was FURIOUS I didn't tell her myself. This supports her constant narrative that I'm a selfish lier that can't be trusted. For the life of me, I can't figure out why she even continues talking to me if that's how she feels (other than to punish me). In her mind, it's up to ME to help her move forward. When I ask how to do that or what that would look like she literally says she does not know. Ok, then what am I supposed to do then?
Reading this back, I feel ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous. I'm driven by extreme guilt, I guess. I spend a lot of time wondering if I really am an awful person. I just want this to stop.

I can't imagine how mentally exhausting this must be - you've done all you can for her which is highly commendable but you're still suffering through her actions.

Although your relationship is over, you still need to set solid boundaries to cope with the fallout. As Mutt says, only respond to 'business' texts and ignore anything personal.  Hard to do, I know, but you have to put yourself first and foremost now.

Is there any way you can finalise all financial matters and go solid no-contact?

Ah, I remember it well.. when your (non) BPD partner actually smiled when they saw you and showed enthusiasm because they knew you loved them and they had no insecurities. After a BPD experience it really is nice to get back to dating people like that.

MY BPD partner never showed any emotion when arriving for a night out; she'd just walk in and sit down - assuming she hadn't already decided to purposely ignore me. No hug, or 'Missed you' or even a plain old 'hi'. Zero emotion - she could have been sitting in a dentists waiting room for all the enthusiasm she showed.

That sounds really exhausting. After a 30-year relationship ends, especially with the kind of hurt involved here, it’s not unusual for the person who was left to keep going back to the same questions and anger. Unfortunately, more explanations rarely seem to bring the closure they’re hoping for.

Sometimes what helps is shifting the focus away from trying to settle the past and toward structuring communication going forward. If finances still require contact, some people find it useful to move those conversations to email and only respond to practical topics. The emotional accusations don’t always need a response.

If you’re comfortable sharing a bit more, it might help to know how long you’ve been separated and whether you’re still responding when those texts come in.

I'm new here and found this forum out of desperation.  My ex-wife continues to text me with angry questions about why I left, why I lied (I did have an affair after 30 years of marraige with my ex), and how could I do this to her. It never stops. I have answered all these questions multiple times, gone to her therapist with her, paid for her to have private residential treatment, given her the house and enough money to live very comfortably for the rest of her life and she still will not stop harassing me. Telling me how awful I am and how I ruined her life. I'm so tired. Really tired. I gave her all I had for 30 years and I need a rest. It will never be enough for her. How do I stop the insanity? We still must talk occasionally about finances so I cant just cut her off. PLEASE. ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME.

Well, I am hoping he will become very uncomfortable : ))))  My son loathes change and that could be to our advantage.  Not that I believe my daughter should reconcile but  prayerful this will spark positve change for both of them.

After years within a relationship with a BPD partner, we may get accustomed to a pattern of being devalued. So it is important to remember how it is supposed to be, how our partner is supposed to react when we show up, when we are in a healthy relationship:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RTPDDeRat2A

That may encourage those who are going through abuse to put a stop to it.

And, by the way, that's what I have done by living apart and refusing to be around when the interaction is any less than respectful.

PS: The video only shows women, but men should also react similarly (perhaps a bit less expressively).

Hi Bpdstinks, 

Yes it comes down to the idea of finally letting go. Being able to let go with continued Love in our hearts is very powerful and healing.

Good for you!  I know that BPD/NPD behaviors can be extremely distracting, and therefore you might need to make the conscious choice to re-focus on self-care.  For me it's the best way to stay balanced, and to get out of the FOG.  Having a life and connecting with friends outside the familial chaos can help me reconnect to the "real" me and dilute the ill effects of a sometimes dysfunctional family system.

However, I really wonder if your son will feel much discomfort with no kids and no "maid service."  I'm pretty sure that the pwuNPD in my life didn't mind the change one bit.  In fact I think he liked living alone, because he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and didn't have anyone's presence to constantly remind him about his unfulfilled obligations, let alone to nag him.  Though I think he originally liked the "maid service," I suspect it was less about convenience for him and more about showing off to other people.  For example, when his wife hosted parties, he enjoyed giving tours of his new home, using exaggerated descriptions of amenities:  "cargo bay" for garage, "wine cellar" for a wine rack located in the basement, "man cave" for the TV installed in the corner of the semi-finished basement.  I don't mean to be critical of his home or his wife's homemaking skills, but just underline the "performative" nature of his personality.  Everything about him seemed performative, highly attention-seeking.  The "maid service" seemed to be valued only to the extent it got him more attention from people he wanted to impress.  Similarly, he seemed to use the kids to get attention too, mostly from his own parents.

Alas, these days, I think the "maid service" typically most valued by singles has morphed into UberEats.  Since the NPD in my life can order whatever food he wants and have it delivered straight to his door, he's comfortable.  He doesn't care about messes, vermin or laundry.  He seems to like dressing like a bum, and when he needs clothes, he'll order new ones online.  Maybe the pwuNPD in my life is unusual, but I guess I'd sum him up by saying that though he's around 60, he never matured beyond a teen's level.  He seems to enjoy living like a college freshman--in dingy, dorm-like quarters, living on junk food, drinking heavily all night, choosing not to work (the adult equivalent of missing classes), ignoring most of the administrative burdens of adulthood (car registration, health insurance, utilities payments, doctor's appointments, etc.), being constantly late to pay bills, getting his electricity cut off and scrambling to get it back on, ignorning basic home maintenance (fixing the roof), etc.  To continue with the dorm analogy, I understand from his kids that he vomited in his home but never picked it up, and instead he threw cat litter on top.  And that's generally how I think of him these days:  his behavior, social-emotional skills and functioning generally resemble that of certain 18-year-old boys.  It's just that in a 60-year-old body, his behavior seems incredibly dysfunctional, and his body has deteriorated after decades of ill treatment (junk food, heavy drinking, untreated high blood pressure, untreated diabetes, untreated gout, zero exercise).  His could be an extreme case, I understand that.

Hi Pook075,


I'm trying to follow your thought. Why would "his world be spiraling"? Do you think this could be a side effect of being in therapy for 3 weeks and having a better look into himself?