People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to be quick to act, react and overreact, too often in negative ways.  Naturally, we shouldn't be like that, our inclination is generally to be positive.  So "retaliation" as a reaction to receiving negative treatment isn't productive.  Usually it's a spur-of-the-moment impulse that doesn't make things all better.  That's where a measure of self-control is so helpful.

I just read in another thread about HALT - Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness... if that applies then best to pause (halt) and let yourself ponder what to do to avoid self-destructive responses.  (You can do an internet search on HALT.)

While your issue cited here does not seem so much as "acting-out" (harming others) it may fit more as "acting-in" (sabotaging self)?  Whichever, it can certainly be frustrating in any relationship.  And feeling walked over too is discouraging.

One of our normal inbuilt cravings is reciprocation in our relationships.  We give and share while wanting others to similarly give and share.  It's upbuilding and overall productive.

When things get unbalanced is when one is always giving and the other always taking, even opposing.  Imagine sitting in a rowboat, you rowing toward a wonderful goal but the other is just sitting there, perhaps even rowing in the opposite direction.  That eventually becomes frustrating and unworkable.  In time you're tempted to give up and give in and what you do becomes, almost before you realize it, appeasing and enabling.  Not a success story.

There are many relationship tools, communication skills and time-tested strategies discussed here.  Many members have been here for years and our collective wisdom is a result of our "been there, done that" experience.

One skill, one of many, is learning what Boundaries are.  Boundaries are not placed on the misbehaving person because typically they resist proper boundaries of behavior.  While it isn't intuitive, Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are how we respond to poor behavior.

For example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target.  Rather we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Perhaps not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.

Over the last 10 years or so, I’ve gotten into an unhealthy habit of either letting myself be walked over like a doormat or worse, becoming a literal servant to J.  “Fill my water cup?”, “Rub my back,” “throw this away” and all sorts of requests that would normally be a part of showing intimacy and affection- yet NONE of those requests are reciprocated in any way whatsoever.

Light pushback to any of them is met with immediate anger and resentment- that I “never want to do it” or “it’s always something that you don’t want to do”. She often attempts to talk to me like I’m her teenage child- giving “advice” about how i should act and talk and behave and how i should do various tasks and chores in the home to her expectations.

I swallow it and anger explodes at times back at her.   Today might be then end of a relationship- she has blocked me on Facebook and she says she blocked my calls and texts- although she is periodically texting me with rants and criticisms about how I need therapy to discuss my anger management issues and my tendency to narcissism (which is partly correct with anger management with regards to her behavior) but I recognize projection.

Today’s problem was where a delivery came, the dog got out and went into the apartment parking lot area- he was not responding to me and I had no shoes to run after him.   I called her and told her I need her immediately and she called out the window- no response.   I began to panic more- “I NEED YOU”

“Ok”

10-20 seconds of nothing- I couldn’t see if she’s moving.  “J!  Please come downstairs now!”

“Ok!” (She calls him again out the window)

20-30 more long seconds.   “I need you to come down NOW!  He’s moving away!”

Silence.  She whistles.   No response from the dog and no appearance at the door.

Finally after pleading with her, “I NEED YOU TO COME DOWN NOW!” she slowly appears, puts on a slip on sweatshirt, puts boots on slowly and makes her way down.

After the dog comes back, she SCREAMS at me not to me embarrass her by yelling like that.  I told her that I will embarrass her like that again and it will get worse if she’s going to not rush like that again.   She shouted and screamed to get away from her and I left for work an hour early.

Side note: she seems to be extremely sensitive to being seen as an embarrassment in public.  She actively insists on NOT calling a business with a dropped or delayed product or order( to the point of anger).   Example- we sat waiting for a fast food order for 10-15 minutes while cars after us were served- insisting that I NOT call and say, “We haven’t gotten our small order”.  We had a situation with roadside assistance where we were told it would be 30-45 minutes for a reply and we waited 3 1/2 hours- “NO! We cannot call to ask them what’s the situation!”

Her family has a weird history of demanding low priority response from ambulances- “no lights no sirens” for ANY reason!  They claim it’s too embarrassing.

I don’t know if it’s over.   


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Yes!  I know that resentment feeling.  And I also know that I often do something that sets off a wave of abuse when I'm feeling that way.  Thank you for naming it.  I will use it as a signal to stop doing what I'm doing and take time away for myself.

It's been rather calm for a while. I work in clinical research and supervise the human subjects research program. My ex works for the non-profit managing funds from sponsored clinical trials and grant applications. Every year there is something called 'research week'. Studies can advertise for recruitment, there are presentations, a service wide bbq. Prior to the explosive end to my relationship I haven't been attending these things as I would. It seems she didn't either last year.

Had a prep call today and everyone kept throwing my name out there as the person to work alongside my ex. Hell no. I am not sitting shoulder to shoulder with that person after everything. And maybe she starts rumors about things I did or whatever. Not to mention the anxiety I'd have interacting with her like some stranger who hasn't tried to have me arrested, or punched me. No, no, no. Then a study coordinator who never really messages me sends me an IM 'hey looks like they really want you at the table with non-profit'. Random thing to just say. And I'm not grilling at the bbq anymore so I can see her parade around laughing with everyone. Keep in mind our jobs do NOT intersect at all. There's zero reason for me to have to work with her in any capacity. I am subject matter upper management, she is an assistant at the non-profit. Add to that she's said she doesn't feel 'safe' around me...so why so eager and willing to be within a foot of me? Again, no.

The original agreement from my boss is we'd have no direct contact. So far haven't. So here goes my email to my boss that is going to probably ignite this again:

Hi 'boss',

I do not want to work near 'her' during Research Week. Given the history of physical assault, police involvement, and accusations that have been made against me, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we are not near each other.

Thank you,

'me'

Yes, it's not linear. A spiral is a good analogy. Sometimes it's also two steps forward, one backward, but over time, it's possible to see progress.

One step is to pay attention to our own feelings. They can help guide us. It doesn't mean we act on them, sometimes that isn't appropriate, but to pay attention to them.

A clue to when I am doing too much, helping too much, enabling is the feeling of resentment. It can be the same action, but the feeling is different. If we are doing something helpful because we are willing/want to- we don't feel that. If we are doing something out of FOG, we do. We sometimes do things we don't want to do, but are willing to do it, or choose to. That is different than doing something we don't want to do, and would not be willing to do it but we do it to avoid our pwBPD being angry. That's FOG.

Resentment is the clue for us to not do something out of FOG.

An acronym is "HALT"- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If we are feeling any of these things, we need to "Halt" - take a time out for self care. At these times we are not at our best and are more likely to react to the pwBPD, argue back, add to the drama. This is when we say "I need to pause for a moment" and disengage from the situation.

With practice, we get better at these ways of self care.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot.
My daughter is currently in therapy and she also did a group therapy a few months ago. She seems to go in spurts where she will do really well with therapy and medication and then all of the sudden just stop everything.
I feel like it is me against the world since my family and her father just brush it off and think I am the bad one by setting boundaries. So of course I start second guessing myself and think I am a bad mom for protecting myself.
It has been very difficult not being able to communicate with my granddaughter and I feel horrible that my daughter feels this way about me. She has always thought that I loved her brother more than her.

Hi broken mom2,



When my udd32 was a small child she would cry even if I showed the slightest interest to anyone especially if I  gave compliments to other family members children. These problems carried on into her teens. At home she would cause fights between her siblings, at school she purposely broke up established friendship groups by spreading false rumours and going after the other kids boyfriends. Now at 32yo she doesnt have even one close friend.

At the heart of Bpd is the fear of abandonment and my guess is that your dd resents you having a life of your own with a partner who sounds caring and lovely btw. As you can doing everything and being there for the first 3 years helping her to raise your gc wasnt good enough and will never be enough for her and now it is all or nothing which is a very manipulative tactic to get her owns needs met and is driven by black and white thinking and is very typical pwbpd behaviour.

My udd also lived with me after having her first child at 19yo and I know that is upsetting and  difficult for you right now not to want to rush in at a chance to make things better.. I have 3 gc who Iam currently estranged from, but  these are early days in my experience it is better not to rush back in and  respond to manipulation because your dd will use this tactic over and over again to get her needs met. You also have a right to experience some happiness in your life with your partner without being guilt tripped.

Thank you for all these amazing replies.  I will indeed read them over and over.

Do you ever feel like you've made progress and then suddenly you're back where you were?  I'm feeling a bit like that, but I also know that analogy that it's not a circle, it's a spiral.  You feel like you're back in the same place, but you've really moved to another layer.  I think that's right. So, I get the Humpty Dumpty feeling and I'm also guessing that you, like me, are not necessarily in the same brokenness we were 10 years ago, say.

I hope you all have a peaceful and even beautiful day.

From my own experience, I don't think a pwBPD can have an emotionally healthy attachment. I can't say if this is true for everyone with BPD or someone with BPD who is going through DBT therapy but a core component of BPD is disordered attachment, and their behaviors affect the most connected relationships the most.

Infants and children are wired to attach to their mothers and I think that is one reason I think we children of BPD mothers take on these roles of caretaker, fixer, trying to make that attachment. Radical acceptance for me was to realize that BPD mother could not make an emotionally healthy attachment with anyone. It wasn't personal to me.

When the pwBPD is the child, I think something similar happens. The mother may be able to attach but the child's attachment capacity is different. Still, mothers (who don't have BPD)  are also wired to attach to their babies.

In a romantic relationship the attachment begins later, and is the romantic/sexual bond. What I see posted often in the relationship section of this board is the intensity, the love bombing and that these relationships form quickly. As humans, we learn ways to get our basic needs met. This is normal, survival, and by adulthood, we have learned relationship skills. We know about the hormone, oxytocin, that promotes attachment and so I wonder, if someone doesn't have other relationship skills, this becomes their way of attaching? I'm guessing at this. There's a questioning if the love bombing stage is somehow deliberate but it may be that this isn't on their part and that it's what they know as attachment for them. Once attached, there's the disorder aspect, which leaves the partner puzzled and confused as to what happened.

For me, radical acceptance also includes our own decisions about the relationship. Should a pwBPD live alone? I think that depends on their ability to manage their own behavior if they want to live with other people. Maybe that varies.

I can accept that my BPD mother had a mental illness, and have empathy for that. However, I (and others) can also decide on how much of their behavior to tolerate for the sake of the relationship, and I did want to tolerate a lot. It's a significant relationship. Still, to be able to manage it, we need some boundaries.

Hi broken mom2,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found us, and I’m sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. What you’re describing sounds incredibly painful and exhausting, and it makes sense that you’re feeling alone in it.

Many members here can relate to that push and pull, where no matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough. The guilt, the second-guessing, and the heartbreak of being pushed away by someone you love so deeply can take a real toll.

I also hear how much you’ve shown up for your daughter over the years. Supporting her, helping with your granddaughter, trying therapy, and still holding onto hope for a relationship says a lot about the kind of mom you are. That doesn’t sound like failure to me, it sounds like someone who has been trying for a very long time under very difficult circumstances.

You’re not alone here. There are people who understand this kind of situation in a way that others often can’t.

If you feel up to it, what has been the hardest part for you lately, the distance itself, or the way things were left between you?