Hi, all. I am on a break from pwubpd, which I needed (and said I needed) for my own emotional well-being.  I will soon be going to the town where they live to help another family member and will not see them.  I know I can't handle the possibility of something going awry on this trip.  My question is, once we are in contact again (whether before I go or after I go), I think there's a good possibility I'll be asked if I went.   Should I answer or say that that's my business?    Also, if they don't ask, would it be smart for me to tell it so that there are no secrets to be found out later?

I also wrote this on another thread. We need to be able to calm ourselves before we are in the position to interact with anyone else. Sometimes we need to learn more or different emotional regulation skills.

Some advice that helped me was to tune into my own feelings. In 12 steps there's an acromym "HALT"- hungry, angry, lonely, tired-  and we can add more feelings to that list. It's a signal that we need to stop, take a time out, and calm down.

We can politely disengage. Pook's point about stating this in the "I" perspective is important. A counselor had me practice talking without using the word "you". It may have sounded akward at times but it made the point. For someone with BPD the word "you" can actually be triggering but walking on eggshells isn't the main reason not to do this. For many of us, we are so focused on their feelings, we aren't as aware of our own. Trying to use only "I" sentences helps us stay aware of ours.

"I need to take some time to think about this" rather than "you need to stop yelling at me" is more effective. Then just do it. The other person may react but you have stopped escalating the discussion.

Nope, we're all in this together so don't feel bad.  If we went way off topic then someone on the team might ask you to start your own thread (or pull your comments and make a new thread for you), but your questions and responses went right along with what we were already talking about.

We're all here to learn and grow, and then there's those here that just want to give back because this site got them through a really tough time.  It really is like a family and I'm so thankful for this site and the fine folks who post here.

Yes, but don't think of this as something you did as intentionally selfish. It was possibly a learned behavior that helped you to feel safe at home with your BPD father. It was a self protective behavior and possibly essential to do this as a child- where you were dependent at home.

What is different now is that- while this behavior was an adaptive survival behavior for you growing up- it is not one now. You are an adult. You may feel similar emotions but now, you are aware and have a choice to change your response from what you have done to something different and more functional.

Now, without doing the behavior that helped you to feel safe as a child, you are experiencing the emotional anxiety and fear that the behavior helped you to cope- and this is actually a step in the right direction- because, once aware that these feelings exist, you can learn other ways to self regulate.

One example for me is when a co-worked snapped at me at work one day. My emotional response was to freeze, feel scared, and assume it must be my fault. Rather than react, I went to my office, closed the door, and was alone- that felt safe. Once I felt safe, I could feel calmer. The co-worker came by later to apologize. She was having a stressful day and what happened had nothing to do with me.

On another thread you asked a good question. When your son calls you in distress, how can you calm him down? It may be that the actual question is - how to calm yourself down? Because when he calls, distressed, you feel distressed and seek to calm him down as a way to calm yourself down. This may have been a functional tactic with your father when you had no other choices as a child.

If we can't stay calm, we are not in a position to interact positively with anyone in the moment. This is where you need to take a moment to yourself and calm yourself down first. (like I went to my office). Your son is leaning on you for his own emotional regulation- it's what he has known to do. So he also will react to a change that doesn't do this for him- but it also gives him the chance to deal with his own emotions, which he needs to learn.

When he calls, tune into your own feelings. You can say you need some time to think about this and will call him back. Then find a way to calm yourself down before responding.

Thank you, Pook and JsMom.  Your responses are really helpful.  AND I feel like I need to apologize.  I got so caught up that I feel like I hijacked JsMom's thread. Thank you for your graciousness.

Would love to hear how you are doing, JsMom, if you feel like sharing.

I went to student health counseling starting in my freshmen year of college. I initiated this myself. I didn't know about BPD and although my mother's behavior was normalized in my family, by then, I knew it wasn't normal.

I wanted to know what was going on with her. By then I was looking at psychology books and took a class in college. I was looking for an explanation for what was going on with her. BPD wasn't in the psychology books at that time. It was later with the internet that I found it.

I went to counseling for myself. The situation at home had affected my self esteem. We kids were not deprived materially, and my friends and activities in high school helped to mitigate this, but I didn't have this supportive group in college. Being away from the dynamics at home helped but it wasn't an instant solution. 

My advice to have your D experience being away from her mother isn't to separate her from her mother entirely, but so she can have a sort of respite from her mother's feelings being the focus and experience more stable interactions with people, and find her own interests. It's to help her develop her own sense of self and boundaries.

Another consideration is to pursue a skill or trade at community college if this is where a student's interests lead them, if they don't feel ready for college yet, or college is a financial strain. Having a job can be a source of self esteem and promote independence. However, if they live at home with a BPD parent, I think they will need to be able to spend time away from home to have that emotional space for themselves.

Reassure your D that it is normal and emotionally healthy to seek out counseling for guidance and support. If she is willing to do this, it would be a good thing to start now and continue in college.

That's the thing though- if it gets to be too much, you must step away and you must explian why you're stepping away.  Talk emotions, not facts, because that's how BPDs are wired.  I say something like, "I've been so stressed out lately and I'm struggling, it's just too much.  I need to step back for my mental health."

I make it all about me and my mental health, which they can understand completely.  But I'm careful not to set blame.  If I change that above statement to "...you've been too much to deal with lately..." then it completely changes and is taken in an entirely different perspective.  That's why it has to be about me and what I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with.

I may be a slow learner,  I will get the quote box thing figured out.
Sheese

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Now for the realization that these are self serving behaviors. While enabling your son may seem like helping him, they are actually managing your fears. Now is your opportunity to learn other ways to self regulate, ways you weren't able to learn when growing up in your FOO. You had a real reason to have them as a child. You were helpless, your Dad was in charge and he was scary. Now, as an adult, the situation is not the same and you can change these behaviors, but it can take some practice and learning, and everyone starts where they are, on their own path.
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NotWendy ~
Thank you for this! I've been reading this over to let it sink in. I realized a couple weeks ago that my rescuing is all about making myself feel better and is self serving as it doesn't truly benefit my son.

I will let you know how it goes Pook. In the meantime I'll be practicing on regulating my own emotions, and challenging and reframing my fear based thoughts. Oh, and practicing on enjoying my life.

Wantmorepeace- I agree that validation and soothing take a lot of energy especially when we're hit with wave after wave and we're already worn down. And we add to it with our being consumed by their welfare, state of mind and possible actions.  You're doing well to disconnect and take care of yourself.  Right now I'm doing that by keeping a comfortable distance, not keeping my cell phone glued to my side, and best I can stopping worry thoughts.