Hi again,

Well I think you have a very good read of the situation, and you're doing great, though the situation is unsettling.  I noticed too that abuse of substances made my BPD stepdaughter's behavior much worse.  She was self-medicating, believing she'd numb herself from her issues, when in actuality she made herself more dysfunctional, more paranoid and more emotionally off-kilter.  After daily use of substances over an extended period, I noticed some deterioration in her verbal skills, too.

I like the idea of you keeping the lines of communication open, but not responding when your daughter is being abusive.  You're right, she doesn't want your advice, and she is blaming you.  When she's in a state, she can't process anything you have to say anyway.  It's all part of her victim attitude and blame-shifting.  And yes, she's channeling her out-of-control rage your way.  Maybe she's doing this because she needs a release, and she knows that nobody else in the world will tolerate it.  But if things continue to spiral, she might unleash her rage onto others, which means she'll probably end up friendless, jobless and maybe even homeless.  Maybe then she'll hit bottom, where her only option will be to get some professional help.  Now I'm not suggesting that you should tell your daughter that you suspect BPD or mental illness, because as you've seen, she'll take it the wrong way and also accuse you of being the sick one (that's projection, by the way).  But if she mentions getting therapy, I'd try to frame it in a supportive and non-accusatory way ("That's mature of you, taking care of yourself is important," or maybe, "Getting therapy to cope with trauma sounds like a good idea, it couldn't hurt," or maybe "Doctors are professionals, they help people feel better, that's their job."

I think you ARE being emotionally supportive, with this approach:  "I love her very much, but I cannot tolerate verbal abuse and threats on my livelihood."  You stick to that boundary, and maybe, eventually, your kid will figure out that, in order to have a closer relationship with you, she needs to be respectful.  The thing is, with BPD, her emotional intelligence is impaired, and she's a slow learner (in terms of learning how to self-soothe, how to process her emotions in a healthy way, and how to problem-solve and communicate more effectively).  DBT therapy is designed to improve these skills.

Look, I realized I had to make a shift with the emotional support I was providing to the pwBPD in my life.  At first, I had a tendency to try to fix things, to try to help her out (e.g. with a job search).  But she didn't really want the type of help I was providing; she just wanted my money, and to do whatever she wanted.  I thought, OK, she's an adult, if she wants my advice, she'll ask for it; any unsolicited advice I provide she'll take as insulting or condescending.  She wants to go her own way, and I'll support that from an emotional standpoint.  So when she declares her intentions--"I want to move to New York City" or "I want to volunteer in Gaza"--I'll say something like, "I can see why you'd like to do that."  And that's it.  The "old me" would have peppered her with questions, cautioned her about safety, high costs and long-term commitments.  The "old she" would expect me to help her find a place to live, buy plane tickets, co-sign a lease and help move her in.  But hey, she's in her late 20s, if she wants to move to NYC or Gaza(?!), she has to be the one to make it happen.  My guess is, if she really wants it, she'll take some steps forward, and if not, she'll decide to do something else, all by herself.  And that's OK.  In fact, it's better than OK, because she is the commander of her life, not me, not her dad, not anyone else.

It's such a balancing act and there's not a "perfect" answer here because every person is a little bit different.  But as a general rule, when you're receiving abuse, then back off. 

If they persist, make it solely about you (and your boundaries).  I can't do this right now...I need to calm down and clear my head...I don't want to argue and can't continue this conversation.  Make it 100% all about you.  For the words about her, it should be "I love you and..<then the 'you statement'>."

What you shouldn't say is, "I love you BUT you're being ridiculous right now."  In that instance, all they hear is "you're ridiculous".  The rest literally goes right out the window.  This happens because they're thinking emotionally and everything is super intense in the moment.  When they're in this kind of state, there's no logic involved and it will never be a productive conversation.

So you go with the tried and true <me statements> balanced out with <you statements> that show you care and they have your sympathies that they're having a bad day.

What if your "me statements" don't work?  That's when you go no contact (or very low contact), and it could be for a few hours, days, or weeks.  The timing is really determined by them because you'll remain limited contact until they can speak to you in a civil, respectful manner.  I'll usually give my BPD kid a few rude statements for free, but after that I start my "me statements" and begin pulling away.

Thank you for your words of wisdom and insights! I am not supporting her financially and I won’t. The only support I have been giving her is emotional support and that has backfired because she is now dysregulated and splitting and she blames me for everything wrong in her life. I told her to please get some help and she says I am the one who needs help. She doesn’t want to have a conversation. She wants to rage. She has been quiet for a week, but then reached out over text last night to once again blame me for her depression and lack of support. I love her very much, but I cannot tolerate verbal abuse and threats on my livelihood. I guess I just want to know if I should respond or be silent. I did not respond last night. I feel like anything I say sets her off because she’s in such a spiral. I also believe she is abusing substances, which is exacerbating her out of control rage. Any advice on the best way for me to move forward would be much appreciated.

I'm back, 2 days in a row. My family member has a few medical issues that need attending to but the problem is she doesn't have a regular General practitioner because she's written all the ones she's seen, off. I thought she'd finally found one but she now doesn't like him. She goes to them once and never goes back. Now she is wanting to make a formal complaint about 2 or 3 Medical professionals. She feels she's so upset that she can't go back. So there I am listening, affirming, all day. She's mulling over it all, big time. I can't say anything or else I'll be in the bad books too. It's so frustrating seeing all this when I know these Medical issues can be sorted out. But, she's an adult.. and I  had decided that zipping the lips was the best scenario.

My 35yr old has BPD, I think. She had my grandson 3 years ago. I was her person,helped her and took care of him. Than i wasn't. She split my family, no showed at Christmas and two days later slapped me with a restraining order claiming domestic violence.  She spent the next 9 months filing fraudulent restraining orders against me a d my husband to obtain housing vouchers. All of the restraining orders were thrown out. I have not seen her or my grandson for almost two years now. I'm heart broken, and struggling in ways I never thought possible. I did not mention the long 20 year history of suicide attempts,  rescuing her from different states which all came with some dramatic story. This last time was it for me, mentally I can't do it anymore.  Than my mother, my daughters enabler told me today that she planned to have my daughter around again and I would have to accept it. I feel like I will have to grieve my mother and move on because the wreckage is just to much. Not sure what to do but I like I'm going 10 steps back.

So I take it you don't have a custody order from the court, and have been winging it so far? 

I hope you've been documenting all this. 

One thing I did that worked out well in my favor was have the court designate a therapist, because I knew BPDxw would otherwise "shop around" until she found a therapist that she could control.  So what I did was have a good child psychologist my attorney knew vet a list of reputable therapists in our area - ones who were professional and would not be bullied by a parent.  Then we gave this list to BPDxw and let her choose.  That allowed her to feel "in control" enough to go along with it.

Now, sending our daughter to therapy had been her idea in the first place, but after a couple visits, once she saw that: 1) she could not bully the therapist, and 2) it would still cost her money/co-pays for visits, she sent me a message saying she thought therapy was a waste of time, and would not take her anymore. 

The default custody breakdown here works out to about 35%/65%, non-custodial/custodial split.  My issue is that BPDxw moved as far as she was able to under the terms of our divorce decree a few years ago.  Her property line is literally the county line.  She moved around the time the attempts at alienation got really bad, so I assume the goal of the move - or part of it - was to make it harder for me to see my daughter.  I think she expected I would just give up. 

So splits like a 2-2-3 would be really hard.  The drive from my house to her school is over 30 mins & 25 miles each way.  I'd have to hire someone to drive her home, or otherwise arrange with my work to be able to leave early a couple days a week to pick her up from school on those nights. 

I still have managed to see my daughter all my allotted time, and sucked it up and made those drives, but it hasn't been easy or pleasant.  I doubt if the situation was reversed, BPDxw would've made the same effort to see her (she seems to know that about her mom now). 

If I challenge to flip custody, I would likely need to end up with majority time.  Maybe even more, b/c like I said, I doubt very much BPDxw would make that same effort, driving distance wise. 

I have a pretty good argument; in addition to my daughter's wishes, the schools are much better where I live, and I don't have a record of police being called to my home for domestic disputes like she does...

 

I remember when I had picked up my son soon after I had filed for a custody change and he exclaimed, "I want the {current} equal parenting time."  Just simply out of the blue.  He was about 9 or 10 years old at the time.  I knew where that had come from.

Yes, he's been influenced by his mother's explosive demands.  But more than anything else - at least with me - he doesn't want to discuss the parental discord.  I don't think he has the temerity to tell that to his mother.


Do you have joint custody but mother has majority time?  Maybe you can start by suggesting equal time, such as with a 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5 two week) schedule, for the next couple years.  That is preferred through age 10 and into the pre-teen years.  One parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other gets Wed-Thu overnights and then the parents alternate Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.

My county got a new presiding judge and revised its parenting guideline documentation soon after my divorce. It updated the age related guidelines ("suggestions").

• Babies and toddlers - each parent gets frequent visitation
• Children through preteens - equal time
• Teenagers (grades 9-12) - home base with one parent

Don't discount the value of a (respected & qualified) less expensive Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or school documentation.  My ex had an assortment of antics over those early years and the school records (tardies, etc) and teacher testimony reflected that.  I even got the impression that the magistrate took more note of the schooling aspect than my own disparagement.  However, it took two full days of courtroom testimony.

My ex felt she must be the The Majority parent, so it took determination on my part to make improvements at the slow pace court preferred.  I guess a lot depends on how possessive of the children your ex is.

My answers in bold below.


So the best advice I received was from my daughter's therapist.  A couple times I expressed my frustration with how BPDxw was behaving, and my concern she was attempting to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.  He would not allow me to vent, or take my side, or anything like that, but he was just say that if what I described was happening, it would eventually lead my daughter to not trust her mom.  He was right, even though in the immediate time, this didn't seem to address the urgency I felt.  But he was right. 

Basically he said that kids are smart, and earlier than we give them credit for they're making up their own minds about the world and how things are.  And if one parent is trying to influence their perception and going against what they see with their own eyes, it's going to cause a loss of trust.   

Be there to validate your kid(s)' feelings and help them understand things, but don't bad mouth the other parent, and don't force your kids to get in between your fights; don't drag them into it.

I'll relate some of my own experience below:
About a year after I separated, I got a message from BPDxw that said parental alienation is wrong, and I shouldn't try to do it to our daughter.  Well... I knew her well enough by that point to know that if she was accusing me of doing something, it was because she herself was doing it.

Sure enough I noticed around this time that when I'd pick my daughter up for weekends, I'd notice she'd say random phrases like "I just don't know how a man could just leave his family like that."  I'd ask what she meant, and she'd say "mama keeps saying that."  And then she would say things like she didn't like coming to my house.  I asked why, and she said "You don't make me good food."  I asked what she ate at her mom's house, and it was, sure enough(!), the same things I was making for her.  When I pointed this out, she said she didn't know that.

Then she said one time "Someday I'll be able to choose and I won't have to go to your house anymore!"  I asked why she thought that, and she said "because you didn't want to be a dad and left"... when I said that wasn't true, and I stayed close by because I wanted to see her and would always be her dad, she said "Now I don't know who to believe." Remembering what the therapist said, I responded, "You don't have to believe anyone, you can see who's doing what and decide for yourself."

Like you said above, I would not dwell on these events with her though.  My goal was to give her a safe, loving home, and have fun with her when we were together, and let her be a kid. I think this worked. 

Another time, my daughter asked me "Is grandma a witch?"  Now, I knew where this was coming from... during our marriage, BPDxw had made my mom out to be this villain (the amount of insane things she said and did to try to isolate me from my parents and family could be a whole thread on its own, so I won't digress here).  But remembering the advice I received asked "Why do you think that?"  Sure enough she said "Mama said grandma's a witch."  I asked her if she thought that was true, and she said "No," and then I said it was okay for her to love her grandma; she had her own relationship with her, and her mom had her own opinions and it was okay to not agree with them.  She nodded, and that was the last I ever heard about that (7 years ago). 

More recently, she mentioned her mom and her BF were always fighting in the house, and when I was like "Yeah, that sounds like your mom!"  She asked me why we got divorced, and I could see she wanted my opinion, and wanted to hear it all directly.  I told her everything.  A couple times she'd note that her mom still did this or that all the time.  I think I spoke for about 1/2 hour, and after that she seemed really happy.  I felt like she had figured a lot of this out, but wasn't sure, and when I confirmed her suspicions about her mom, she felt relieved. 

My daughter's almost a teenager now, so I feel like I weathered the storm.  She's started saying she wants to live at my house most of the time, and so we might have to do that in the next couple years, although... I don't know how it's going to go down.  I saw an attorney, and she ballparked the cost of a full trial to flip custody, including a custody evaluation, at close to $60,000-$70,000.  Yikes.  At that rate, I might just see if we could agree to flip custody, but I keep paying her child support. 

It's never easy when you're coparenting with a pwBPD, but it does end.  I'm down to single-digit years before my kid's 18, and then it's over. 

Nothing you can do will make a difference for a pwBPD.  The issue is in their head.

I do wonder if society will be able to understand this, or the concept of behavioral disorders better, in time.

The examples of people actually getting help for - and changing themselves to fix - a behavioral disorder are vanishingly slim.

I was thinking of a description someone said online about a pwBPD, in that they described them as an "overgrown toddler" and I think that is apt in a lot of respects.  It's almost as though they failed to mature emotionally as an adult should, and one wonders if they ever can.  It's like language development: if, for whatever reason, kids fail to learn to speak, after a certain age, they never really can as their brain develops differently.  It's like missing a turn, except you can't go back and take it.