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It helps if a counselor identifies co-dependency but I also think we can comprehend and identify it, but not on an official diagnosis. There isn't a specific medicine for it. Because it involves actions that are also considered to be good ones- helping, being supportive, it's not something one seeks to "cure" or stop completely. The line between helping and helping too much is an internal one- we have to learn to identify it.
The addiction model has been applied to co-dependency and it helps make sense of it. Any behavior can be an addiction and an aspect of that is doing something to one's detriment and not being able to stop. The occasional trip to Las Vegas for fun, or occasionally shopping for something for fun, is not an addiction. Gambling or shopping, to the point of financial ruin, causing family stress- and doing it anyway is. An aspect of co-dependent behavior is doing something for someone that they can do for themselves.
Choosing to do something nice for someone or looking the other way at behaviors at times is not co-dependency. A pattern of doing this to the point of being harmful in some ways possibly is.
A person who is addicted will continue addiction behavior to the point of their own detriment, because- they must still be getting something out of the behavior that is, to them, greater than the negative effect- even if it doesn't seem so to them. The concept of "hitting bottom", when things get so bad, is when they have the chance of choosing to change.
I think, in a relationship with BPD, there's a push-pull to the relationship. The situation may get to a sort of bottom, with the pwBPD doing something that is - in the moment- not tolerable. But also, I think they too have some sense of when they went too far, because if they sense they have- they can also flip to "good" again. Then the "bottom" is gone and the partner's motivation to take action is also gone too. Then it seems "not so bad".
Tolerating BPD mother's behavior was normalized in our family. We were all in the roles of emotional caretaker and helper to her. For me, people pleasing, not having boundaries, tolerating behaviors were learned ones. I had to unlearn them and learn more functional ones.
Another motivation for me to consider the idea of co-dependency was seeing the result of it. Co-dependent behaviors appear to be doing something good but are actually self serving and possibly harmful to the other person in the long run. If the motivation to appease and enable BPD mother is for relief of the situation, it was about us, not helping her. If we did things for her and managed her emotions, she then didn't have the experience of managing these tasks herself and learning how to do that, if it were ever possible.
Some of the things that were tolerated and enabled to the point of harm were- financial damage due to BPD mother's spending and not understanding how to handle money and limits with money, emotional and relationship harm due to abusive behavior and dishonesty. There were no consequences for this behavior and so it continued. It was cyclic. "Good Mom" would appear right after things may have been bad, and "Good Mom" was great.
Nobody can fully understand all of a relationship beween two people. From the outside, it appeared to be a high cost relationship for my father and yet, somehow that cost wasn't high enough to take some action- and I don't just mean divorce, it could be standing up for boundaries to start with.
But that was a hard thing to do because, having boundaries with BPD mother resulted in extreme escalation. She could raise the escalation past the point where anyone could tolerate it. BPD caused her to seriously struggle. She was in emotional distress and seeking some sort of relief. It was a natural response to want to help relieve it if possible and hard to resist doing.
So back to you Max, and the idea of co-dependency. I'm not a professional and couldn't "label" you, even if I was. But what we can see from your posts is that things seem relatively stable at times and then, something happens that challenges your own values- harmful behavior to you or others, infidelity, and then, at these times, you feel shocked and hurt, and consider the possibility of ending the relationship but then, things calm down a bit, and it doesn't seem so bad.
However, by tolerating the behavior- you've given up a part of yourself, your own core value, and at the same time, made the behavior allowable for your wife. She can continue it without consequences. While it's given you a reprieve of the behavior, and a temporary relief of discomfort for your wife, it's not a positive for you, or for her in the long run. In this context, the idea of co-dependent behaviors could fit, if you wish to consider it. This is a long term relationship dynamic and if you wish to change it, any change would have to be on your part. It would be a challenge to change it, and a challenge to maintain it but the decision is yours to make in whatever way you decide would work for your situation.
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