I agree with this.  The harm smart phones has done to our society is almost uncalculable, and the younger the mind, the worse the effect.  Hell, I'm in my 40's and sometimes I can't put my damn phone down and focus on work or just go to bed.  I can only imagine how awful that must be for kids.   

If you feel like you need to deliver on your promise, you can get him a phone but add some conditions, like you limit use and physically control access to it so he can't overuse it.  Also maybe tell him initially he can only use it at your house and you'll discuss allowing him to take it to his father's house later on if he shows he can handle it reasonably. 

Thank you so much Pook.  This was super helpful.

My gf has also brought up caretaking a child as being similar. To a large extent, I understand what this means. But it's helpful to hear what you said, which if I'm interpreting correctly means to truly refrain from taking things personally and being upset in order to actually be a calm source and foundation of support. Most of the time when I think, "think of them like a child who can't help themselves", it's more about excusing their behavior but still being upset by it and trying to bury that feeling, rather than actually overcoming it. Thank you.

One issue I still end up dealing with is that not being sufficient even when I can. I'm often asked to "fix the situation now", especially when I'm far away at work and hardly have time to even look at my phone. I'm often told that I'm "not trying to mend the problem" and "not taking care" of her. I would love for their to be specific things I can do to help other than assure them that I care and love them and hear and understand what they are feeling, but this has shown to be "not good enough".

One the second point: this seems really hard to do. When I try to say I need time to cool down before I say something I regret, she continues to insult me. In times where I've walked away, she's accused me of not caring. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's my responsibility to fix her being upset with me and her anger towards me, but that nothing I do works, and asking for what would be helpful is met with indignation that I'd even ask.

Thank you.

Hi community. I posted earlier about my adult BPD daughter who lives in a different city that first threatened and then enacted no contact with me. She has not cut out anyone else in our family. My youngest is graduating from high school next week and the older daughter is coming for the ceremony and has drawn her siblings into the conflict. She is going to stay with my son instead of with us. We were supposed to have dinner as a family after the ceremony, which she was not going to attend, but now my youngest has said it will be just her at the dinner and after they are going to have a "siblings hang." I know this is all timed and orchestrated to be as damaging and disruptive as possible my my BPD kid. I hate this so much. Just looking for support and suggestions for coping.   

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm very glad you found us.  Hopefully we can help you find some answers.

See the first sentence that I bolded above?  That's the key to all of this.  When her emotions take over, there's no telling what she'll say or how she'll react.  Everything is over the top because that's how she feels in that moment.  And feelings are just as real as the physical stuff in our lives. 

Notice how you ended the sentence...when she isn't upset?  That's what we focus on.  The goal is not to avoid every blow-out or ensure she never "loses it" again, it's to help her calm down when she's disordered.  That's the whole ballgame, everything you need to fix this.

How do you do that? 

Think about your newborn child on the way.  For the first year or so, they can't talk, they're horrible at communicating, and the only sign you get of something being wrong is ear-piercing screams and crying.  What does the baby need?  Is it hungry?  Does it have gas?  Is there a diaper rash or a bug bite you're not seeing?  It could be a hundred things, a thousand even, and at first it feels almost impossible to do anything.

But then you cradle the baby, talk to it in a calm voice, and the baby feels that love.  If you pick up the baby while you're upset, the baby somehow feels that and it gets even more upset.  You're not in this situation yet but I promise all of this is true.  The baby feeds off your emotions way more than you can ever imagine.  So when you're calm and nurturing, the baby relaxes and stops crying.

And this is how you calm your girlfriend down- exact same technique, exact same concept.  Now, she can talk and she's sometimes saying horrible things.  Ignore that stuff as much as you can and think about how you calm an upset baby.  You're not trying to fix the problem, you're just trying to calm her down so she can realize that there was no problem to begin with...or it's a highly managable problem in a calm, balanced mindset.

Now let's look at your 2nd quote.  Your mental health always comes first, regardless of what's happening with your girlfriend.  So if it gets to be too much, walk away.  Simply tell her that you don't want to argue and you're stepping away for a moment to clear your head.  This prevents the situation from getting to the all-out meltdown phases because it takes two people to argue.  So if you don't respond (or respond lovingly when it's not exepcted), then you're not arguing anymore.

Remember how I said that the baby can feel your emotions?  So can your girlfriend, it's like a BPD superpower.  Every movement of your face, your body language, your vocal tone, it's sending signals on how you're feeling in the moment.  Your girlfriend picks up on all of it so if you're saying, "I love you" but your face says, "I'd rather be anywhere but here", then she's going to believe your body language.

So if it gets to be too much, walk away.  Tell her that you love her and you don't want to argue about anything, and you'll be back in xx minutes.

As you learn to better communicate with your girlfriend, things will probably get worse before they get better.  And at times, you will make huge mistakes that leads to an all-out screaming match.  That's okay, you're human.  We all mess up from time to time and these relationships can be extremely unfair.  Either you can figure it out or you won't, but it's good you're trying at least.  So give yourself some credit. 

Also, accept that so much of what she says when she's emotional are just empty words meant to make her feel better in the moment by blaming someone else.  She doesn't mean most of it.  And while it would be great if she didn't say those things in the first place, you still have some control in how you react.  It might be helpful to think about therapy for yourself or a local mental health group, just to have people close that can relate to this.  You have us as well, which is why I'm so glad you posted.

Let me know if any of that resonates!

Really desperate for help and guidance and not sure where I can find it. (My job doesn't cover mental health expenses, so I've struggled to find a therapist.)

Some background: My gf and I are both in our mid 20s and have been together for about 2 years. We met almost randomly through two different friends-of-friends at a party, and quickly fell for each other. We had nothing but great time in the first months, totally infatuated with each and always with each other, eventually getting a place together. She told me right away that she has numerous mental health problems, including BPD, and sees a therapist every week.

Initially this didn't worry me, as it seemed she had a real handle on these problems and they never came up. But soon after moving in together, she began exhibiting many BPD behaviors, pretty much on a weekly basis, if not multiple times in a week. She would blow up in anger for many different reasons and sob uncontrollably, rejecting any consoling and physically swatting or pushing me away, only to later ask why I gave up in trying to console her. She demanded that I accept these outbursts without taking anything personally, even when she hurls insults at me, mocks me, and accuses me of not caring and being being committed and not being in love with her. I'm constantly characterized as someone I'm not.

I recognized that I was JADE-ing often, which is a concept I only learned about 2 months ago. I would be told that I am somebody who I really don't believe I am, and I would defend myself or try to comfort her by assuring her that I am a better person than how I was being characterized, and that would only make things much worse. I am constantly told to "surrender". I've improved in this quite a bit. Many times throughout the week she will say something mean to me, so easily, like it just flies off her tongue without any thought as to how that could be offensive, even though she would never say that to a stranger or coworker, and I try to tell myself, "She doesn't mean it, it's the BPD". But sometimes I break, and as soon as I do, I'm told that I'm a bad boyfriend, and that if I "really loved" her I would be strong enough to "take it".

Now that she is pregnant, these demands are heightened. I feel bad for her because pregnancy is a lot to deal with, and she has really stressful family issues with her mom and little brother which gets really overwhelming on top of all the physical and hormonal changes. At the same time, the accusations have become worse, while the demands to surrender and take it have increased. So many things she does really hurts my feelings, and when I try to mention it, she gets angrier because I'm "being selfish" and "ignoring" her needs to care about myself more. In arguments she often begs me to be her "emotional caretaker" because she can't but also doesn't want to "regulate raw emotions" like anger.

Last week, she mentioned saving up money to buy a house, and I responded by saying there are a few things I want to happen before I want to start thinking about doing that. This has upset her for the entire week now, and she tells me repeatedly each day that I've "destroyed" our relationship because I'm not "dedicated to building a future together". She says I don't do enough for her as a boyfriend, deeply minimizes everything I do to help around the house ("You think being a chauffeur and building furniture is being a good boyfriend"), as a father-to-be, and that I never cared or loved her or wanted to be together in the future. She seems convinced that I don't care, and convinced that our relationship is tarnished. She says I need to come up with a solution to the harm I've caused, and

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

I just really don't know what to do, and even more scared that I won't be able to do what's needed. I feel like I'm going to break emotionally if I have to endure more of this. I wish there was a way we could both work on this, but she is resolute in me having to deal with anything she does without any qualification or adjustments on her part. I'm so scared that I won't be supportive or strong enough, and that our relationship will be ruined, that this love I have for her will be spoiled and won't be received or have a place to go, and that I'll have to struggle to be around my daughter in the way I want to be.

Sorry for the long rant. I just really want to know what I can do to be a better boyfriend to someone struggling with BPD, while at the same time making sure I'm mentally OK as well.

Sure, but think about a fat person who says, "I'm going to lose weight soon."  Or the drunk who says, "I'm going to stop drinking next week."  Or the drug addict, or the workaholic, or a world-class athlete.  They all realize that they need to make changes in their personal lives to be healty and balanced.  Yet few of them ever do it until they have no other choice.

For someone mentally ill, it's a taboo subject in many parts of the world so it's super hard to talk about.  But getting treatment is even more rare than the folks we just mentioned because in many ways, it's much harder.  You're discovering why your brain doesn't work right and that's admitting there's a major flaw within you- who wants to do that? 

Does the drunk say, "I know I'm a drunk and need help!"  Or do they say, "I don't have a drinking problem!"

Put yourself in her shoes.  If I spent an hour with you and then said, "Here's your problems.  You need to do this, this, and that so you're a better person."  Would you listen to me or would you feel like I'm an arrogant jerk who doesn't know what I'm talking about?

Now combine that with serious mental illness and re-run that scenario.  In 999 times out of 1,000, that person is going to explode with anger and storm out of the room.

Your girlfriend will get help ONLY when she sees no other option.  Before that though, she has to realize that all her problems are inside her.  That's incredibly hard for anyone to do, and the mental illness makes it almost impossible.  So when you tell her that she needs treatment or else, the "or else" will always feel like the best option for a number of reasons.

While that's the primary goal, you can't base your relationship on it or the relationship is doomed.  She has to be ready to put in the hard work and make active changes within her life.

What you can do though, is learn to communicate with her a different way.  That doesn't mean to just blindly take abuse, but that doesn't mean to fight back either.  I'll say it again, she's sick...just like the alcoholic or the workaholic.  You get those people help by gently guiding them after trust is built over time.

She has said she will get help before and never looked into it. I am really tired of her telling me I never did anything for her, love bombing, gaslighting, and telling me she never loved me. (the day after saying she loves me)

I love her but she can't keep treating me poorly while leaching off my family.

My plan was to film a video with my issues and sending it to her so she can put it down and comeback if she starts to spilt. The plan right now is for her to move back to where she is from in two weeks. Should would be homeless and broke at that point

Any promises she might make would be just that... promises.  What would be a realistic perspective would not be promises but instead positive actions over time.

I'm not in a position to say what should or should not be done but be aware that "quick fixes" generally do not succeed when Borderline traits are involved.

Is she in counseling now?  If not, is she willing to start therapy sessions to address her erratic perceptions and behavior patterns?  Be advised that many with BPD traits have extreme levels of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  And even if therapy is started it is often quickly abandoned.

The reason I am really desperate is she got kicked out and is leaving in 3 weeks. I wanted to offer her to move in again but with the boundaries set of I will not be abused and she needs to get help. I want her to understand that realistically she is not going to find someone who will do this much for and and be willing to sacrifice there sense of normal to help her.

With my 27 year old BPD daughter, we don't know what the catalyst was.  My ex wife (likely BPD but diagnosed major depressive) showed the same traits and so did many of my ex's closest relatives (brothers, her mom, her grandpa).  Little is known how much genetics come into play, but I clearly saw a pattern on my in-laws side.

Anyway, back to my kid.  She started acting out around 5 or 6, very big mood swings, refused to apologize, bullied her sister fiercely, etc.  If you'd punish her, then she would do everything she could to punish everyone else too.  Breaking things in the house, hurting our pets, running away, spreading lies, etc.

We kept having therapists at school say she was manipulative, but clearly super smart and missing her potential.  She scored in the top .1% in the nation for math in 6th grade, yet she was had a D in 6th grade math.  Make that make sense.  Her score was the best in the history of the state yet she was close to repeating 6th grade.  Everyone was sort of baffled.

Around 12, she was getting more violent and more out of control.  During one of her manic episodes, I screamed at her and she suddenly got quiet and went to her room.  And we thought, "OMG, something got through to her."  So that became the norm, when she'd be out of control, I'd yell and she'd back down.  But before you knew it, I was always yelling and she started yelling back...not just at me.  She'd scream at her mom, threaten her friends and teachers, and it truly became a nightmate.

By the way, I was comletely wrong for yelling all the time.  When nothing else worked and that did, I went with it.  But I now believe that my aggression drove her aggression.  A lot of that is 100% my fault because she was learning all the wrong lessons in a house that was complete chaos.

By 19, we kicked her out.  She returned home briefly at 21 and 22, but quickly fell into old patterns.  She couldn't hold a job, couldn't keep friends for very long, and these patterns just kept repeating.  But at 23, she had basically a mental breakdown and took therapy seriously for the first time.  A lot changed in the next year and she's one of the "success stories."

She's not cured, not always mentally stable, but she's worked about 75% of it all out and is now a productive citizen.  She has a pretty good career and lots of potential, but she still crosses boundaries far too often and gets super close to the wrong types of people.  If she could figure that part out, I think she'd be closer to 90-95% "cured".  But the friends continually bring her down.

I think inner circles play such a crucial role in BPD people's lives; at an early age and throughout their lives.  My kid and i get each other now and our relationship is pretty good, but at the same time I don't try to influence her life in any way.  If she asks for advice, I give it.  Otherwise I keep silent and stick to the small talk that works for us.  It's not a perfect relationship by any means but I think it's the best it can possibly be.