I disagree with this simplistic view. Because that would make the intimate partner useless and inert. I know the partner can't assume the responsibility of solving her problems, but without any sort of support/guidance, the BPD partner can't progress either.
For instance, I have to give her the vitamins on hand and on time, just after dinner/lunch; otherwise, she just forgets. And I have to wait until she takes all of them; otherwise, again, she forgets. She is not taking them because she wants to improve but because she likes to be taken care of and doesn't want to disappoint me (if she is in a good mood). And now I'm searching for a good DBT therapist, because she is not very good with that.
I'm not an enabler because I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm too rigid. However, at times she can confuse my protectiveness with neediness. However, there is one thing I do that works as a kind of enablement: the simple fact of still living together and allowing the relationship to return to its baseline of closeness. This is what I got from AI's opinion:
> Staying because of finances and child safety is not enabling in itself, but the repeated cycle where she lashes out and later “gets you back” without lasting consequences likely blunts the impact of loss and therefore reduces learning from consequences.
> The repeated pattern where severe dysregulation is followed by your continued physical presence and eventual near-baseline restoration appears to have extinguished the fear of permanent loss.
> The enabling element is not affection, reassurance, or bending, but the absence of an irreversible consequence.
> The learning signal that is missing is not emotional but existential: she has learned that dysregulation does not change your long-term decisions, but also that it does not terminate the bond.
This makes sense- the staying and being supportive can in a way be enabling even if it isn't intentional.
How unable a pwBPD is to help themselves and be responsible for their behavior can vary- and is sometimes hard to discern. I think the reminder to take vitamins is one of these situations. If she doesn't take her vitamins and feels worse, her behavior could be worse, and this makes the situation harder for all of you. However, most adults are responsible for taking their own vitamins.
I am not being critical of this situation, as my BPD mother could not function on her own and in a sense- we all stepped in to help with this role. However, too much of this was detrimental to her own sense of self worth and accomplishment. She also wanted to be taken care of and have people do things for her that she could do herself- it met an emotional need of hers.
BPD mother had therapy off and on- but still- the therapy was between her and the therapist. Therapy didn't seem to have an affect on her. I don't know if she did EMDR or DBT. BPD wasn't a known entity in her younger years and EMDR/DBT were not mainstream practices, so I don't know if her outcome would be different if they were.
The idea of holding a boundary may sound simplistic but it's an actual truth that we can not control another person's thoughts and feelings. We can control another person in other ways but they will always have their own thoughts, feelings. As per my other post- you can motivate your partner if she's scared, but external motivation doesn't always produce results in therapy. This is a difficult situation, understandably.






