I'm so sorry but, No, he likely won't come to understand unless he commits himself to serious therapy.  The extremes of alternating poor behavior including disrespect and disparagement are common traits of BPD.

You can't fix him.  Only he can do that and too often there is no incentive to make positive changes.  Maybe, just maybe he might be receptive to meaningful therapy (DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy - is considered the best).  But, as with everything else you've suggested to him, the baggage of the past relationship has sensitized him from truly listening to you without him turning everything negative and critical.  His overreaction is to reject and retaliate, they are common traits of BPD.

Maybe, just maybe, if he were to start and stick with meaningful DBT therapy diligently applied in his life over months and years, it might make enough impact.

Since there are so many "ifs" above, it is practical and pragmatic to Accept having a healthy and functional relationship with him isn't possible, or at least unlikely.  It might be possible if he starts meaningful therapy and applies it in his life, thinking, behaviors and perceptions.  Only time can tell.

Meanwhile, until you can discern whether or not he is turning his life around, it would be far more productive to continue concentrating on improving yourself as you've been doing the past two years.   As many fishermen know, not every fish you catch in the ocean is a keeper.

i did a lot of soul searching 2 years back and realized i was the perpetrator in many past relationships. using drugs, completely hopeless towards any future. i did the work and 180d my mindset and got 100% clean but the mentality of always being the problem followed me. but this _____ that ive endured in the last year is like nothing else.

even in active use, being completely burdensome to anyone in my circle, actively doing SW, no one had ever treated me like my recent ex did and used the words he did for me. from the beginning he was gushing about me, not letting me go a few minutes in between texts, obsessing about my body, joking of marriage. one of the first things he let me know was that all of his exes were evil and cheated on him. that being cheated on was more traumatic than having a gun pointed at his head. any inkling of suspicion that i am leaving him or cheating on him (this was mostly associated with male friends and reaching out to others including men when he would threaten housing) was met with threats to kick me out, horrible push pulls where i wouldnt be spoken to for days, withdrawal of affection "youre not allowed to kiss me", and constant break ups. id be told i wanna go back to exes thousands of miles away. was told i would not be loved or accepted by anyone else due to my past. when i wasnt in the mood for sex daily he would pity himself which made me cave. he'd tell me head was a good apology for my mistakes and i complied thinking it was silly. ironically despite my past i was given my only STD from him.

what kept me hooked was the "positive" obsession, where hed get soft and tell me how precious i was to him, he took care of every bill for me, proposed an enthralling image of me in his mind, was crazy for me physically. in the beginning i seemed to understand that his behavior was odd and advocated for acknowledgment but never got any. with every push and subsequent dopamine rushed pull i lowered my standing more and more. i would ask him if i was so horrible, why he didnt leave. "because this is what love is", hed say. and i believed i had to learn how to adopt this mindset. the whole relationship revolved around me atoning for my mistakes and trying to convince this guy i wanted him. by the end of it i got rid of all of my friends, stopped interacting with my recovery community, was out of work, all to calm his hypervigilant sense of jealousy. our last fight was about notifications from realtors on my phone, i was searching for a place for us, and i did not reassure him correctly. he told me to GTFO for three days straight, ignoring pleas and concrete my "i dont want to go". after receiving absolutely no warmth from him when i was begging to be reassured i left, no job.

after leaving i was able to get in contact through emails and *67ed phone calls. i tried to explain what the last few days made me feel. he ended up getting resentful and would tell me to die, that he'd kill me, that im only allowed near him if he paid me to come over if i gave him a quick nut. after all hes said to me he wanted me to be his prostitute. invited me over once telling me we had been together the entire time and after cumming in me told me the invite was a lapse in judgment and he needed to "heal". to him i was a cheater and a liar despite being devoted to him through all of his mishaps. some texts i received from him during this time still haunt me; "used diaper of a human being" "you will never be wife material" "i wish i could kill you so you cant do this to another innocent victim". i continued pressing believing this was all stemming from a fear of abandonment and pain.

on to my part, i ended up doing grey area work for rent money that i regret. he had told me he'd help me financially and when i asked for rent help he assumed it was for a date and refused profusely. it was never understood to him why that work made up my past despite him being a drug addict having engaged in sex work as well. three months into "NC" (it felt like a break up to me) he softened and came clean about being miserable and wanting to be with me. i came back and rushed into moving in with him. after 6 weeks of guilt i caved and confessed to what i had done, and he began the process of eviction. not before moving all of my things before the cops arrived to make it seem like i was never there and claiming i was a one night stand. it hurt horribly. during the process of me finding another place to go he would get soft and told me he understands why i did it, that he was cruel, that he doesnt want to get rid of me. and then would switch up and invite me back into his bedroom solely for sex and discard me when i tried to speak about the situation. "i wish i didnt have to do this" hed say. i told him he didnt have to.

i regret what i did. one of my interviews was a success in the same week and ive never looked back. but i cant stand the hypocrisy. this is a man who told me he accidentally killed someone in active addiction, and i never brought it up to upset him. this is a man i forgave for acting cruelly continuously. when i told him, somewhere in the back of my mind id thought we could work through it. he would always tell me i "made" him this way. why wouldnt the same logic apply to me, that his constant pushing, and the condition he left me in, "made" me do what i did? why couldnt understanding and mercy be applied to me, just as i had done with his abusive behavior from the start?

since the breakup hes contacted my mother spewing sensitive and vulnerable information. i saw one of his "evil" exes post a video of her in his car to which i broke the no contact and spewed at him for hypocrisy to which he told me he was "helping her". holy _____ where was my help when i needed it. got two newborn kittens, got a new car and over 20 tattoos, including one that says "know mercy" on his back.. two new face tattoos. posts nothing but stacks of cash in his bare living room, himself at the gun range, 8k designer purchases. reposts about being slighted, signs of a female manipulator, all this toxic masculinity stuff and such. during a situation where i had to house my cat elsewhere i reached out for help he told me he'd only help me if i came with, because he couldnt "leave me out to die". oh.

since then my life has improved in some regard, friends without feeling guilty, work, knowing my housing cant be threatened, i can breathe again, but with improvement comes a lot of stress. i work two honest jobs and some mistakes ive made at one of them has me feeling very uncertain of my capabilities lately. and when i get uncertain of myself, i crave for the times he told me he was proud of me (despite not having any motion during the whole relationship), where the sex felt out of this world thanks to the coldness that came before it, where we'd cuddle and agree that we never felt a connection like this with anyone else. and i agree, the highs will never be replaced by any normal relationship due to how addicting this one became. similar to fentanyl, the withdrawals are hell fire, but once that fix was in my hand i felt more relief than i did under the previous dose.

my social stalkings continue and i cannot let him go, despite me telling this story constantly and getting the same answer. with time i get less confused and understand patterns, yet i cannot let go of the fact that i will never experience such a powerful soul tied connection like that again. i failed. i mourn and grieve him, entering the relationship and hearing of his past traumas i believed i could convince him that he could be loved, that he could be cared for, but i ended up on his list of "evil whres". i wish i could help him understand how much he means to me as a human being, and that i would always be there to help him if he was in crisis. recently ive understood that if i ever want him to come to the conclusions i wish he did with me, i cant be with him. he will have to face the music or run through more girls to understand how his behavior affects others. its been 27 days since ive contacted him last, and i wish i could say its been easy. i ask the universe daily to show me signs of whether we are meant to be or not, and i continuously receive the same answer. i wish i could control that answer.

i am moreso trying to understand if what i have done has warranted this amount of pain, and how to detach knowing logically that this relationship was not for me. i do not want to adopt his victim /rageful "you afflicted me" mindset. i would also like to theorize that if i stay away for a period of time if he will understand the damage caused. id like some thoughts.

Hi Phillip and welcome.

Why does she follow those familiar patterns?  It's a few reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you.

First, she's mentally unstable and constantly doubts herself, the relationship, her self esteem, etc.  Whenever she has doubts, she gets so worried that you'll leave her that she starts arguments and leaves you...to make sure you can't leave her.  Then what happens?  You chase her, which makes her feel desirable and wanted.

How do you get past this?  Affirm your feelings for her often, make her feel special and appreciated.  This cycle will still happen at times, but the closer you are and the more secure she feels, the less extreme it will be.

Second, her mind works like an attorney that gathers facts for an important case.  They build flawless arguments- my client was at the restaurant at 7:42 PM, so they couldn't have been where the police claim at the time of the crime.  Only with BPD, the facts don't matter as much as the emotions driving the facts.  Maybe you say or do something that upsets her, and her mind instantly connects it to something that happened last month or years ago.  Aha, that proves you're doing it on purpose...so it's time for her to confront you and make you pay!  Only, the facts don't add up and it just frustrates everyone.

How do you get past this?  Exact same answer as last time.  Affirm your feelings for her often, make her feel special and appreciated.  When she wants to argue, look past "the facts" and lead with empathy- what's going on?  How can I help?  Be on her side, avoid the bait to argue, and it makes a world of difference.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family.

Hi Philip and

You wrote:

Bad news Philip, borderline personality disorder is a mental illness.  I understand how you might see her behavior as immaturity.  But she will not "mature" out of her mental illness.  Her pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships is a symptom of her mental illness.

And I know you wish you could get the good and not have to deal with the bad in the dynamic of her unstable interpersonal relationships, but if you truly accept that she has borderline personality disorder, you will need to accept that her behaviors,  *both* the good and bad, are aspects of her disorder.

Her behaviors will not change on their own, at least not without working with professionals towards recovering from this disorder.  But she will not want to bother recovering so long as she continues to find people with whom she can continue having these unstable relationships.

You have to decide for yourself if you want to be part of her pattern.

I hope this helps.  Best wishes,

Schwing

Hi. I'm Philip. I need help with my bpd ex?girlfriend. In 2024, me and my ex girlfriend had a 6 month relationship. For the first 3 months, everything was going great and there was no issues. After 3 months, we started arguing, and then I ended up always being the one broken up with and then ended up having to chase her back, missing her completely. At the end of 2024, we had the final breakup and then she had this new dude for about 2 years, In june 2026, they broke up and then in july 2026, i met up with her, spoke things out and asked her did she get better w her stuff, and is she more mature now? we got back together. For the first month or so, we were arguing but no breaking up. Now it feels like she always tries to argue with me,  then breaks up with me on purpose, just for us to get back together 2 days later. It's exhausting, but i always loved her and i don't know what to do, Please any help will be appreciated. I need advice on this. I'm tired of the cycle of us always breaking up even tho i love her and im pretty sure she loves me.

Welcome to BPDFamily. We just wish, of course, that it was under better circumstances.  It is what it is.  So let's look to the future as we deal with the past and current problems.  Over the years we have accumulated a vast amount of insight and strategies... a collective wisdom of sorts.  On the other hand, people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are just that, people with a variety of abnormal traits and therefore they react and overreact in slightly different extents though the patterns are recognizable.


I think this is where the "splitting" description arose - viewing the world in extremes that can flip instantly depending on moods and perceptions.  It is inexplicable how someone can claim to love one moment, then get triggered by almost anything and thereafter perceive us as their worst enemy.  Yet that is part of their unhealthy dysfunction.  Compound that with their resistance to positive change and it is a recipe for disaster.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210


A caution here.  When you are trying to repair a damaged relationship, you do share information with the goal to restoring trust.  But if it becomes apparent that the relationship is not just damaged but also probably irreparable, they you have to be judicious about what you do share and what you don't share.  Why?  You don't want to share information which might enable the other to cause you more harm or even sabotage you.

I don't know how separations work in your country but in my area separations leave the marriage intact and, while you physically are separated, you are still financially connected.  That is a big risk for you, the financial liabilities.  It would be wise for you to privately and confidentially seek consultations with experienced solicitors or attorneys to learn to what extent you are exposed to your spouse's financial irresponsibility and how best to carefully extricate yourself from his financial excesses.

Usually it is best to do this legal groundwork without sharing this with the other.  You have a right to privacy and expected confidentiality.  PwBPD often do not have the typical respect for you that a normal person would exercise.  At this point you should have self-protection as a higher priority.


While the peer support here is excellent and invaluable, we also know that local support is also so very helpful.  Do not think you won't benefit from in-person counseling.  You are not alone.

This is my first post so I'm not quite sure where to start. I will try and keep this brief:

I have been with my husband for 4.5 years. We met and fell deeply in love (of course!) and things were amazing. He proposed after about a year and we were married after 2 years. Then things started to change. It started to become apparent that if I tried to raise any difficulties in the relationship or share my feelings that were related to our struggles, it didn't go well. He would go into some kind of rage and see me as his enemy rather than his biggest supporter.

Then at the beginning of this year I found out that he had accrued £35k debt without me knowing. Thankfully not in my name but we were married by this point. I was utterly heartbroken but went completely numb,  meanwhile he fell apart in floods of tears and admitted to deeply hating himself and having always struggled with self-loathing. I felt hopeful at this point because if you can see the problem, you can find a solution. He agreed to go to therapy and bought a book. Whilst reading that book he came across BPD and said to me 'I think I'm BPD' and then promptly stopped reading the book. It wasn't a conversation starter as this was in the middle of a row, so I never came back to it (for fear of triggering him). Fast forward to where I am now - 8 months on - and things have gone from bad to worse. Whilst he has been transparent about his finances he was still spending on unnecessary things. But worse than that he was unable to help heal my emotional pain, carrying on as though nothing had happened. After a couple of really bad times on our recent holiday I finally realised I'd had enough. He was flipping from putting me on a very high pedestal to me being the _____ on the bottom of his shoe. So, after a lot of thought and trepidation, yesterday, I told him that I can't it any more and I want a separation.

Initially he was trying to suggest he can change and do better (he's been saying this for months) and now he's being very cold and hostile. The hostility really hurts me as I'm already utterly broken. We are still having to live together for now and probably will for a few weeks yet. I can't move out as it's my home with my adult daughter and he wouldn't turn to any friends (he doesn't speak to his family). I am trying to cope with it by just being myself and not being around him whilst still being kind to him in the face of his hostility. I would be very grateful for any suggestions on how to cope with this.

Oh... during our long chat yesterday he said 'therapy doesn't work for me'. He knows that I want him to go to therapy again (a more suitable type of therapy) so there is no hope from that angle.

Thank you in advance for any replies.

We only have the one joint bank account - our family cc is mine, with her as a secondary account holder. I've turned off her card

Boundaries... People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are masters at avoiding and evading Boundaries.  Being aware of that common trait, we must do what is not very intuitive.  Boundaries are for us.  Our boundaries are exhibited in how we respond to poor behavior.  See the topics on boundaries here on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

Stripped to the basics, I describe this as a framework, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will respond by doing nor not doing ___."  In other words consequences for the poor behavior.

Be aware of course that you will encounter strong resistance to impel you to retreat back to prior patterns.  We call it extinction bursts.  They're predictable but you may never know how long it might last before the other senses that you won't be intimidated or cowed into appeasing or giving up.

My now-ex and I had for years shared our accounts.  But once we had a child the tensions rose.  Every couple years we would have to replace a used car with another used car.  This time - it turned out to be mere months before we separated and divorced - she refused to sign the J&S acknowledgement for the loan paperwork from my work's retirement account.  The small dealer, a mutual friend, was livid.

I immediately went to an old friend and applied for a loan from his bank.  The loan terms were that I deposit my paycheck into a personal account at his bank.  (I'm still there, by the way.)  Dealer was happy but now my spouse was absolutely furious.  I had no choice but to stay firm, a new boundary for me.  After all, it was her surprise objection that caused this.  Actually, this turned out to be a good thing since within a few months our marriage had imploded and my paycheck was protected.

On a side note, better to not have any joint credit cards.  You can be the account holder and the other be a card holder, that's okay, you're the responsible person in charge.  But sometimes when there is a joint account and you suspend it, the other has equal rights to un-suspend it which makes closing the account very problematic.