And maybe I'm delusional to care so much at all. Yes the emotional and verbal abuse was horrible. And maybe I already have a high threshold for that so I didn't see it for as bad as it was at the time. And maybe the trauma bond made me feel a crazy desperate love that wasn't real love. I am a sensitive and traumatized person. That being said, I do clearly value myself enough to get out. I just feel so insane at this point. Sorry to vent so much.  I clearly needed to get some stuff out.

We dated for a year. Things got progressively worse. I definitely held on longer than I should have. I told him from the beginning that mental health was very important to me. After he told me about his bpd, about 3 months in, I told him I needed him to seek treatment if he wanted to pursue a future with me. He promised he would. Every now and then he would take a small step towards that but then would blame me for any set backs. He said thay the only way he would get better is if I lived with him.  I told him I was not ready for that and needed to ensure that my home could be more stable then how it had been woth us lately. I tried breaking up with him in April but he charmed me back in. Things kept getting worse. The stress of it all caused me to have a miscarriage. He was not there for me through that. He could not get off the living together thing.  I even tried to compromise by moving into the same apt complex just in my own unit but it wasnt good enough. The fighting kept getting worse so I ended things again at the end of June. Had him blocked off and on but then when he went to the hospital,  I wound up taking the dog so I couldn't have him blocked during that time. Every interaction just kept getting worse. It sucked.

This is the version that I have landed on now. I decided to leave it most of the happy lovey stuff because let's be real, I don't think reliving that is helping me and it would only make him mad because he might stew on what he can't have anymore.
It is a bit of a read but I do feel that I am taking responsibility more than I am placing blame. Maybe a little too kind for everything he put me through but who knows.

Dear exbf

I write to you now from my truest heart. The heart of a person you said you love more than anything and that loves you still. I realize that it is possible that you have split me black and villainized me in order to make things easier for you.  But now, I ask that you please read this with an open and compassionate mind. It is not an attack, it is insight. You are a person that I love and care deeply about. The time we had together means so much to me. I want to apologize for how I communicated with you at times. My own life trauma has changed my brain and the way my nervous system responds to things the same way yours has. Yes, it is different. No i don't have bpd. I do however have C-PTSD. Along with some usual suspects, depression, anxiety, panic disorder. For me, high-anger conflict, accusations, hurtful words, feelings of being abandoned or pushed away so hard etc, trigger a fight or flight reaction as well. I get emotionally overloaded, defensive, scared, reactive. That kind of conflict proves to me that I am in fact worthless and it drives my ever present need to try to make everything ok. I feel constant guilt of everything being my fault even when I logically know that is not the case. So when you would say everything was my fault, it would confirm my fears. I over explain due to the fear of not being understood. Especially by the person I love. When you would leave after or in the middle of a big fight, with no thought as to when you'd be back, I would feel severe abandonment. That is why I always asked for a timeline because I would worry that you wouldn't come back at all. Like you had threatened. Even though I logically knew that you needed space and wanted to give that to you. When you did come back, I would try to talk about it because I wanted everything to be ok. Not to be pushy but to have a conversation and make it right. To avoid spiraling on my end and making it worse. To try to connect with you and build a stronger bond by being able to talk through things together. Like you, I can get stuck on things and it is hard to get out. Like you, i sometimes need a delicate touch and reassurance.

I am a caretaker and a people pleaser. That came from my need to have peace, stability and safety in my home life growing up when there was none. I have a very hard time feeling safe around other people. It takes me a long time to feel like I can trust them or like I can fully relax and be myself. While our shared trauma brought us together and forged an incredibly deep and passionate bond, it also made it so that when both of our nervous systems were dysregulated, it would create an intense trigger-response cycle. A lot of the time, my response to your cycle was to either shut down or defend myself. Usually, before I even knew what was happening. I know you are unwell but that does not excuse abusive behavior, harsh double standards or hurtful lies. When I would try to take a time out, it was not usually successful. I know I was sometimes not good at giving you space either. I tried my best to do what I could. When you would split on me, it felt like my world was ending. I thought I was losing you every time. I would get so scared especially when you started threatening or hitting yourself. I vividly remember you holding a knife to your throat and laughing. It tore me apart watching you hurt yourself. I would blame myself and feel the need to make it right for you no matter what. Even though I know it was not my fault and that there was not much I could do. When I felt that I couldn't do anything right, I would withdraw and beat myself up. I know you do this too so you understand the importance of reassurance around those feelings. This is why I needed you to read about my trauma triggers and responses as well so that you could understand the ways in which I am similar and we could both do the work to better our communication and our reactions.

I never wanted to block you in the first place, It felt so wrong. I kept unblocking you because I was worried about you. Not because i wanted to torture you. You were my best friend. 90 missed calls in a row made me feel like you were screaming that you needed me. So I would unblock you to make sure you were ok. And then it would devolve because we were both emotional and reactive. So many times, you would say one thing but mean another. There were no rules. You yourself said that you have never pushed or tested another partner so hard and I felt that. You say I badger you but sometimes when people get pushed to an extreme, they push back. That is not an excuse. Just something that can happen. You instilled in me that you wanted me to do everything I could to push through your walls. To stay even when you were screaming at me not to. To find every way to contact you even when I was blocked. You said those exact words to me. That is a hard habit to build and an even harder one to break. I was trying to do what you had asked for so many times.To always keep trying, to not give up, no matter what you said or did. I loved you more than anyone I've ever known. I fought harder for our relationship than I have for anything. I showed you countless times that I was not going anywhere. Proved my loyalty and my worth over and over. Feeling like there was never enough I could do to convince you takes a toll.

I am ashamed of lashing out at you at the end. I know that you being in the hospital was scary and horrible for you. I regret not being more present and sensitive to that. And for not being able to better control my emotions. Between everything that had happened between us and losing the baby, I was already in such a dark place. Then I found out many things that really hurt me. I felt like everything was a lie. I know that if you had heard those things about me, I would do everything I could to show you it wasn't the truth. You didn't do that for me and it made it feel even more that it was in fact the truth. I still don't know who or what to trust or believe. All I truly know is how I felt in that moment and how I feel now. The only thing I can do is take responsibility for my own actions.

I keep replaying dropping dog off in my head. I feel so awful that that's the way it all went down. I know you told me to break the door frame but it all felt so extreme. I love her more than anything too. You two were my family. I just wanted so badly to help you both. Even after everything. I wanted to leave with more grace but I just couldn't. I was and still am in so much pain.

I didn't end things because I don't love you. I love you so very much. The constant fighting was doing heavy irreversible damage to us both. From everything I have read, it is almost impossible for someone with bpd to seek treatment while they are in the depths of a romantic relationship. The highs and lows are too drastic to be able to focus on anything outside of it. You told me yourself how all you did was rot and obsess when I wasn't right in front of you. I never want that for you. I ended things for both our sake. I know that I've had a difficult time detaching. I never wanted to be without you. It's all so complicated. I understand that we both have very different ways of processing heartbreak. I also think that it is incredibly hard to detach in general after bonding the way that we did. I understand that you now feel a need to fill that void with something or someone else. I hope, though, that you can find a way to focus on yourself and find the motivation to work towards healing in a way that brings you peace. You are so incredibly special. Not just to me. But to so many people. Seeing you in pain breaks my heart. Many unforgivable things happened to you as a child and that was not your fault. Neither of us deserved the horrible things that happened to us. You deserve so much love and happiness. I also understand that part of why things got so intense is because of how strongly you feel about me. I know you said you have never felt the way you do about me about anyone else. I get that the more intense the feelings are, the more the symptoms present themselves and the fear of losing that increases the need to self sabotage and push me away even harder. I can't imagine how difficult it is to try to navigate that with so many conflicting things going on in your mind. But you are not unworthy of love and good things. There were times that I was successful in helping you but I know that there were many times I was not and I will forever wish I could have been stronger in those moments. I have been working on myself too. Therapy and support groups have been very helpful to me. I have a whole lot to heal as well. I wish that we both could have found better ways to communicate with each other and feel like the other understood. You do not need to respond if you do not want to. I just wanted to share this with you, someone who is very important and dear to me. If you truly feel like hating me is the only way that you'll make it through this, then I understand. But just know, I could never hate you. I am hurt and feel betrayed but when I think of you and of us, I choose to remember all of the good, the love and the adventure. I will love you and miss you for the rest of my life.

Absolutely, it is maddening and it's so hard to know which way is up when your partner is disordered and just wanting to fight about something.  I lived that as well.

Just know that how I felt a few weeks after breaking up was very different than how I felt a few months later, or even a few years later.  You're so close to this right now that it feels like it's worth fighting for...which is normal.  If you love someone, you fight for them and forgive them.  But that brings us back to mental illness; he's not fighting for you because in many ways, he was incapable.

Quick glimpse into his thinking.  He's having a terrible day but trying to hide it.  His thoughts are everywhere.  He comes home, starts ranting, and you try to silently back away.  You don't want to do that, not again!  And he senses that.  But instead of thinking what a normal person would think- maybe I'm being overly drammatic, his mind goes the opposite direction and blames you.  How could she not understand how much pain I'm in?  How could she reject me when I'm feeling like this?  What sort of person would look at me that way when I ask them an important question?

Again, mental illness is leading this parade.  His thoughts are jumbled and before long, he's convincing himself that you're going to leave him, that you never cared to begin with.  He can't face rejection, he can't handle it at all, so he sabotages the relationship and either leaves, or forces you to leave.  Why?  Because you can't abandon him if he kicks you out.

This disordered way of thinking drives his every action, defines his entire life.  He's always looking for the slightest hint of a problem and when he sees it (regardless if it's real or not), he fixates on it until he's built a completely different narrative in his head.  One random thought leads to another and before long, what he thinks about the relationship is nothing like the reality before him.  He must fight or flee.

The cheating, the abuse, all the other stuff comes from this cycle.  In his mind, you were the mean one and he did what he had to do in order to survive.  In reality, his own brain was working against him and he was simply running from all the pain.  The problem wasn't you though, it was always within him and that's the scariest thing in the world for him to even consider.

You can absolutely share it here as long as you leave out any identifying information (his name, the new girl's name, etc) or ultra-specific stuff (like locations you went on certain dates, etc).

I never wrote a letter; I considered it after my divorce, and then read some of the accounts here, and recognized that it would just re-open the door to more pointless conflict. The fact that we had nearly divorced a year prior to that, but she begged me to reconsider and I caved, only to have her immediately revert to established behavior patterns once she felt like the threat of divorce had passed, made me see any attempts at having a genuine conversation with her as an exercise in futility.  I knew it was all a game to her... I don't even know if she is capable of having feelings like a normal human would.  For her the truth is whatever she can convince people of, and if you're not trying to manipulate others to do what you want, you're just a sucker and a fool.  

So I concurred with what I read from others here, that any attempt at opening a dialog would just result in the same finger pointing and blame shifting she always engaged in.  So I never wrote a letter, let alone sent one.  

Instead I write here, and hopefully can provide some guidance to other people going through high-conflict, miserable relationships like I did.  I view this as a lot more productive, and a net good for humanity, rather than going in circles with my ex about why everything was my fault actually, and she only yelled and screamed and picked fights with my mom, my aunt, my brother, etc. because of reasons, I never loved her enough, put her first, or [insert baseless, impossible to achieve standard here].  No thanks!

Could I post the letter here and hear your thoughts?
Or is that too personal? I feel as i am lost at sea most days and using this type of message board is new to me as well.

Did you ever decide to send ot after all?

If it does come time to get the lawyers involved, one option might be for the communication be limited to him responding to the lawyers.  One part of a lawyer's job is to protect the clients from pressuring, manipulation and threats.

If it gets to that point, then it may be appropriate for you and/or your mother to seek a protection order.  Hmm, in that case, the distance apart clause may effectively create a "de facto" eviction.

That is an excellent caution.  Do not write anything that could imply that you did something legally objectionable.  There are laws (at least in the USA) that you do not have to incriminate yourself.

Here's a thought... It's probably okay to apologize for hurting the other's feelings.  Last I heard, you can't be found guilty or jailed for hurting someone's feelings, though some countries in Europe seem to be leaning in that direction.