I guess that is what they mean by a "pervasive" disorder. 

My now separated BPDw had a "falling out" with her new girlfriend.  The aftermath confirms everything I predicted.

Basically, GF got caught in the push-pull and opted out.  First, it was "let's try being friends for awhile" declaration from GF.  W didn't like that, so she did more pushing, and GF did more pulling away.  Eventually, W saw GF with GF's previous partner, and W got upset.  I suspect W was qusi-stalking GF in hopes of "accidentally" bumping into her.  That would be consistent with the pattern. 

GF left W one last voice memo, basically stating that she wants to just walk away, but wants to leave one more memo as a caring human being and urging W to go into behavioral treatment before she does damage to others or her kids.  GF alleged abuse and harassment.  GF said she is now blocking W's number and deleting the contact. 

GF is not without problems herself and is one that does not tolerate being engulfed.  I suspect she felt that way and ran back to her ex as to have someone else to hang out with.  W increased the frequency of her "text bombing" until GF had enough.  GF would probably have let W know sooner that she was no longer interested - but as most of us do we fear the wrath and avoid confrontation hoping the other will "get the hint".  The sad thing is I predicted this would happen - almost exactly - but with pwBPD that's not too hard to do because the pattern never changes (you could insert exBF into the story and there would be more than one matching example from her past).

GF seems to have pretty strong boundaries here. I'm not sure when she first alleged the "abuse", but I suspect W said some very mean and abusive things to GF when she felt things were ending.  pwBPD can't leave things with "no".

I also learned (and predicted) her hasty motivation to move out was in part due to her wanting to strengthen her R/S with her GF.  She wanted her own space to hang out with GF in.  W was upset that GF never wanted to hang out in her new apartment. 

Now BPDw is wondering if she is abusive and needs to seek treatment.  I told her I could not help her with those decisions but would support her seeking treatment if that is what she decided.  One thing can be said about her - she is very self-aware having been diagnosed BPD as a teenager over 30 years ago.  She doesn't need anyone to tell her that her behavior is abusive or to help her recognize the patterns.  She knows it is happening when it is happening - yet cannot stop herself.  That is scary.

So why am I involved in this drama?  Well - we are trying to co-parent, and this does affect the kids.  Knowing whether she is in an emotional place conducive to letting the kids overnight is pretty important.  And unfortunately, that means needing to understand the basics of what is going on. 

My path going forward - do what I can to support decisions that she makes to improve herself as a person and a mother while avoiding things that support destructive behaviors.  I've been doing quite well letting her r/s drama be hers even when I suspected things not going well and distancing myself from her decisions regarding employment or wanting her own place. 

They need our help. But we inevitably help them 'incorrectly' and they lash out. I always asked mine what she was looking for, how and what I could do to help. She literally would say she didn't know. And that meant she didn't feel heard and I was invalidating her emotions and reality.

She just wanted validation. For even the craziest of things. I would tell her, 'your version of being heard or validated is you being able to treat me like human garbage and just accept whatever accusations you make about me'. And I couldn't do that.

I knew it when she started withdrawing a lot. We were always able to come back to being loving, very sexual, happy, etc. She stopped holding my hand when out and about, in the car, at home...and she was very clingy/touchy. Less kisses. Weeks without sex. And on her phone all the time. She became obsessed with phone games. We'd be out at dinner, she was gaming on her phone. Watching a movie, gaming. I felt invisible. She got to the point of physical violence and punched me in the chest, then knocked the barn door of the sliding rail which put a hole in the wall.

She then began the smear campaign on overdrive. She was telling close friends and family that I was abusive (physical, emotionally, mentally, verbally). That I was toxic and narcissistic. I was controlling and insecure. I was then uninvited to events, special ones at that; where she was the maid of honor in her best friends wedding. Then we had the big blowout when she crashed her car and totaled it. Took it out on me then said she wanted to break up.

I asked her to pack a weekend bag so we could discuss her moving out. She said she didn't have to move out and was legally a tenant and she wasn't going anywhere. I grabbed a stack of her clothes from the closet and put it on the bed and pleaded with her to leave because it was so hard to be around someone who just dumped me and made the world hate me...so she called the cops saying she was afraid of me and I was acting strange. Luckily I left. Then the doorbell cam video showed her laughing with the cops saying she knows I wouldn't hurt her and wouldn't be coming back that night. Ridiculous change in emotion.

Quite true, from the outside they seem normal...heck they even same quite amazing. To coworkers, strangers, new partners. It's why we fell in love with them right?

Given how these people move on, and how a lot of them start sleeping with people immediately I could never consider even touching my ex again. I tend to believe being with me is a 'special' thing and would hope the woman I'm with carries herself that way as well.

I noticed that if my ex and I didn't talk all day or we didn't see each other all the time, even when living together she'd miss me a lot. Then when together it was just non-stop criticism, nagging, insults and SCREAMING. Very weird.

Absolutely right - and one of the most frustrating aspects of their condition. We start to think 'are we finally getting through to them?' but then once we're back together the cycle starts over again. Can't win either way. First time my exBPD broke up with me it wasn't until 9 months later that we started going out again... took her about a week to start her BPD antics again, like the break had never happened.

As for the second quote 'Familiarity breeds contempt', I've always found this true even when dealing with all people generally. Family and lifelong friends get to see all of me, while people I know casually - like other customers I chat to in my local pub - know me to a far lesser degree, which means there's never any conflicts and everyone's always happy to see each other.  Sometimes in life, less is definitely more.

I read nearly very day and I came across these two quotes and it occurred to me there is some truth in them in regards to BPD traits:

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder
• Familiarity breeds contempt

Many here have separated and then after a period of time noticed the conflict seemed to be less or even gone, the ex seemed relatively normal from a distance (the first quote) yet when they reconciled and got back together the prior conflict resumed (the second quote).

BPD is a disorder impacting most the closest of personal relationships.  Distance apart is not an indicator of recovery from BPD.  That is a sad reality.

Hi, you have responses to your first post over on the Separating & Divorcing board.  Today I'll comment on the impact to the young children.  It is wise you have concern about them since the impact of divorce - the end of the adult relationship - extends far beyond the parents.  You still have 15 years of parenting ahead of you.

The reality is that there are many families with children who face divorce.  For the most part, the family courts and those experts associated with them - the judges, lawyers, counselors and child protection agencies - do have the children's best interests as a priority.  How well they do that in every case is up to interpretation.  Mostly they do, but that does not mean you can sit back and let strangers assume the responsibility you have as a reasonably normal parent.

Our immediate thought is that divorce is a disaster.  Yes it is, but it also can result in an unexpectedly better outcome for the children.  Divorce, despite its sad impression, presents a not-so-obvious opportunity.

Thank you.

 in other ways I never quite recovered from those final years of mostly verbal abuse.[quote author=ForeverDad

This caught my eye and made me sad.  Wishing you continued healing.

I know these folks have an illness, but the damage they cause to those of us who try to be there for them can be shocking.. 

I didn't keep records but that was certainly a pattern in my marriage as well.  When things are unstalbe so frequently, intimacy is lost.  And I don't just mean sex- I'm talking about alone time, us time, quality time in all its different forms. 

For instance, there was a long stretch in our lives where we'd go to a local park and walk a few miles each evening during sunset.  We'd talk, laugh, and life felt so simple back then because we could work through things together.  That's every bit as important as fooling around, and in many ways I missed that type of closeness even more.