This is my first post.  I have a 38 year old son that I believe has BPD.  He has many of the symptoms I have read about.  He cannot hold a job and either quits or is fired.  It is always "their" fault never his own.  He has veery intense views (especially political) and if people don't conform to his way of thinking they are stupid.  He has trouble managing money and makes poor decisions.
My son is on the west coast and we live in North Carolina on the east coast and we only see him about once a year.  I have never broached the subject of a personality disorder and have read that i shouldn't start that conversation.  He will be coming home for Christmas and I certainly don't want him to be anxious, or defiant.  Whhen he is athome with us he tends to socially drink too much at which time he can be quite entertaining.  He drinks beer one after the other until he falls asleep.  I am all for not having a "cocktail hour" while he is here but my husband is not on the same page as I am with this diagnosis.  My husband enjoys having a drink after a long day and I don't think he would be in favor of not enjoying a beverage.  Our son is very opinionated and sees his views as thhe only logical ones.  He will not take any advice from us and does not take criticism well.  He has trouble forming and keeping relationships mainly because he is so oppinionated and obstinate.  He lives alone with his little dog (who means the world to him) I think he has thought suicidal  thoughts but because of the dependency of his dog he would not act on it but it is a constant concern of mine.  I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone else might have any suggestions on how to deaal with this.  He doesn't have anny legal problems that we know of but he is very closed mouth and doesn't volunteer much information.  He keeps his life very close to the vest and doesn't want to share any personal information with us so we are mostly in the dark to his thoughts.  He doesn't seem to know what hee wants out of life as far as his future is concerned.  At the present time we are helping him out finanncially or he would be on the street.  He says he hates the south and doesn't want to come back this way.  I just appreciate the opportunity to reach out and discuss this all with someone.  Thank you

Hello!

I went through a pretty brutal discard around 4 months ago. I unfollowed them, downloaded all the pictures on my phone to a harddrive I don't even remember where it is. However I still have some gifts that she gave me and that I gave her. They're in a box. I just can't move on. I want to so much already. I think I can't kill the fantasy in my head of what once was. It's shocking to me with the brutality I was discarded. Just cold, gone, over text. No coming back.

A part of me wants to burn all the things because of anger. I made a sketchbook for her with we both added to. I have a postcard from her. Some other details. Also a bracelet that she made for me and I wore it all the time. It's just, I can't take all of our memories and in my heart combine it with how she broke up with me. Just in general how she treated me.

I'm not sure what the best move for myself is. When I want to get rid of the things the first thought that comes into my head "Damn so it was all a lie?". I think that's what is holding me back. I just can't accept that it was all essentially a lie. All of it. The good and the bad. It was all just dysfunction. I don't know if they truly loved me like anyone else would.

It was all "JUST" a trauma bond. It was all "JUST" a lie my brain came up with. I know they didn't mean it, they have a mental illness. However right now, their perspective is I'm gone and gone forever. Honestly I don't even want them back truly. I wouldn't accept a charm or anything. I was treated way too wrong for all the effort I put in.

Anyone else have any advice on how to detach? I want to be moved on from her. That fantasy was never real. It was just fake. All of this was fake. I care for her, but I don't know if I love her anymore.

Welcome!  You will find excellent peer support here as well as a wealth of time-tested approaches, explanations and strategies.  We've "been there, experienced that".


Angry and yelling, not good reactions yet understandable if you didn't know how to address the conflict coming out of nowhere.  Leaving the house, a very good boundary and immediate solution to lower the conflict and give your spouse time to reset a bit.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist Boundaries, they typically despise others telling them what to do.  Therefore, boundaries are for us and depend upon us.  In its most basic form, an effective Boundary for us is, "If you do or don't do ___ then in response I will or won't do ___."

In this case, a good boundary is to state I will leave when I feel uncomfortable, abused or threatened.  However, that is not a long term solution.  The issues - her perceptions and her overreactions to them - will still be there.


On the one hand, you stood your ground that there was too much conflict.  Then she begged you to stay.  This is a well-known disordered dance, repeated push apart then pull back.  This is dysfunctional since it is an unhealthy back and forth with little getting resolved.

On the other hand, she responded to you pondering - she might see it as threatening - whether it was best to separate with her own threat to suicide.  Yes, not comparable but in a pwBPD's minds, perceptions and moods mean more than facts and reality.


While I am a strong proponent of marriage and family, the reality is that your spouse is, just like when she is with you, unlikely to be a consistent example of good mothering.  There will be some good times yet many bad times, quite inconsistent.  The extreme behaviors will not be a good example of parenting.  So until you are quite satisfied that these behavioral issues have been resolved it is a wise course to avoid having children.

I and many others here have been in your shoes facing this dilemma.  As for me, I was so clueless that I imagined that having a child would make my spouse happier with me and with life in general and stop being so dysfunctional.  It was the reverse, life became worse with a child.

For years I'd known she came from a dysfunctional, even abusive, home.  Her stepfather abused her and her sister while her mother appeased him and chose to be blind to his behaviors.  I thought I'd saved her.  However, in time small issues became major ones in her mind.  She caused conflict with her coworkers, then our mutual friends.  That's when we had a child, my hope for a positive solution.  Instead, she drew away from me and acted as though I was as bad as her stepfather.  It was only years later I came to conclude she had changed her perceptions of me when I had become a father.

But once we had a child together, our lives were forever connected.  Though I still had to separate and divorce, ending the adult relationship was vastly more complicated with the custody and parenting aspects.  Our child is now grown but his mother still has issues to this day.

That's why I recommend you find a solution to your current relationship issues before venturing into long term parenting life.

Hello Sancho, CC43, and js friend,

I can not thank you all enough for your replies. I am extremely appreciative.
Yes, @Sancho, I am totally in cognitive dissonance. I very much appreciate your very rational suggestion, but the other family members consider me "the weak link" in protecting them from her. What a dilemma.

I am doing limited contact right now and getting close to NC. BUT, these threats have been extremely violent and graphic. The police have been notified. They involve threats against my other daughter's young children. She has threatened all of our lives. The FBI contacted us!

She says she doesn't remember them. They may have been psychotic episodes. But there have been numerous threats over many years, mostly towards me.

Honestly, I can't be the family member who brings harm to my other daughter, my grandchildren, ex-husband, my dog, and myself. I cannot do that.

As much as separating from her hurts and is debilitating me, I can not be responsible for bringing harm to my other family members.

This week, I am hoping to go no contact and remain that way, after a conversation with a second therapist, who I believe has more knowledge of BPD.

I have gotten her into housing for a while, and I will recommend counseling near her location. She always rejects the mental health help.

I think perhaps I have done all that I can do.

I am truly burning out and losing functionality.

I know this sounds harsh.

I think she must take control of her own life. I do not think I can actually make her life better. Although being off the street does give her another chance.

I will update.

I just cannot be responsible for bringing harm to my family members through this relationship.

Thank you so much.

Yes yes and yes again. Everything you say is so familiar.
I bought her a mk1 golf (rabbit in the us) cabriolet, as it was her dream car. The reason, she had just opened her salon and felt that she deserved for me to buy her dream car for her.
It had alloy wheels, that were corroding and the paint was flaking. Along with a few other bits I had to do to it, I spent quite a while stripping the paint off the wheels and hand polishing them to a mirror finish. In between the spokes on the wheels I painted one side silver, and one side black, so she had an option on how she wanted them to look. She went absolutely ape sh!t

I spent months unpaid completely cutting and refurbishing salons for her. I hand made reception desks for both salons. She wanted to open an antiques shop next door to the salon, in a 300 year old building that was completely dilapidated and took me a year to renovate…….. but I didn’t do anything to show her I loved her

I could have been outside replacing the struts, brakes and rotors on her car she was trying to sale. Come inside from hours of work in 100 degree weather...take off my sweaty shirt and put it on the counter, get a glass of ice water and just breathe loud. 'Why are you mad? If it's that big of a deal I could have taken it to a shop. I knew you were going to do this, now you'll hold it against me forever. This is why I never rely on anyone but myself. You ruin everything!' Uh...what the fk?

I'd thank her for every single thing. Even just existing at times, telling how much happier and better my life is because of who she is. She'd smile in the moment and kiss me or whatever. But whenever anything went strange, even bad traffic, I was the devil to her. And always heard this 'you never do anything for anyone but yourself. You're selfish. I can never count on you when I need you the most. I should be able to rely on my bf'........I did every single thing possible for her. And my idiotic self would DARVO and start listing off endless things I do and have done, not just for her, but also told her that's a ridiculous claim as every single person in my life would defend the opposite to death.

Good things are maybe appreciated in the moment, but then the slate is wiped clean and any future perceived error is all that matters and you're 'all bad'.

oh my f’king god. This 100% this! The times I would just exhale loudly and get “what’s wrong” ………”nothing why?”……….”you’re huffing, stop huffing what’s the matter?” ………. “Nothings the matter I’m just breathing” and yes the accusations of not appreciating them, even if you have just said the words I appreciate everything you do, that can be turned into you have never said that.

hi!  I am so very sorry to hear this I guess I would say welcome to the club, but it is not the club to be in very quick version (i always say I sound "non-chalalant" but mine has been going on for so long...my almost 26 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD nearly 4 years ago; at first, I was her favorite person (again, not the place you want to be); I have researched BPD, joined NAMI, I have a therapist, who specializes in assisting parents of children with BPD, I have read (I suggest...) Walking on Egg Shells (I Hate You Don't Leave Me....is very clinical); for awhile, I would stay over her apartment, she had me hide her knives, there were 3 inpatient psych stays, I had to force feed her once, like you, she could be nice or soooo sooo mean; fast forward, 3 years ago, she said I was "enabling her" and cut off ties with me, her dad, sister & beautiful nieces (we practically raised); so, I don't necessarily have advice, just stay strong and hang in there....BPD is a BEAST please reach out, if you like

oh yeah, they know everything you feel, what your breathing pattern means, what your face means. You could be tired and just exhale loud....suddenly 'tell me what's wrong? I know you're mad? What did I do now? I can't even be myself. It's exhausting being with you. Just tell me, I know you'll bring it up later'

by that time you're now actually upset with the insults and hour of being TOLD you're mad, then you blow up on them a little...and now the conversation is about how badly you abuse them and don't appreciate them. If you walk away before blowing up...you don't care about them, you don't fight for the relationship and you cannot communicate. LOSE-LOSE

Hi, and welcome back.  I remember some of your earlier posts. 


In most of the world, if not all of the world, having wealthy parents, or at least parents who are able and willing to provide extended financial support like that pretty much trumps everything else - intelligence, work ethic, personality - and you'll see those people living better lives than their peers... at least until the money runs out, or they get into careers or roles that require them to actually perform. 

As far as envying the life of anyone that's BPD, I think you've seen the workings of their mind a bit.  I would not envy being them one bit.  Being  alone with their thoughts and their insecurities must be rough. 

After I got divorced, several people in my life would comment on how well BPDxw seemed to be doing; she loves to post pictures of herself, her car, trips, house, etc. on facebook.  But I knew from stories my daughter would tell me how much she and her new BF would fight, and some of the insane things that would happen between them - a lot of door-slamming, screamfests every night it seemed.  So it was all a mirage, really.  Her pictures and image were carefully curated to project "successful young professional who has it all" but the reality was quite different.  And of course, the child support payments I was making to her paid for a lot of it... she spends very little of it on my daughter, who's always in cheap clothes and goes to public school. 

I would tell people I didn't envy her at all, because I knew it was all fake, and I knew from how she behaved during our marriage and the things she'd occasionally confess that her mind was like her own prison.  She was constantly sizing herself up to others, and needed that contact and feelings of superiority in order to feel adequate.  If she didn't get that, she was in melt-down mode, picking fights with those closest to her.  And if someone measured up better than her, or didn't go along with her, she was burning that bridge fast.  I've lost count of how many friends and neighbors here she's no longer on speaking terms with.

So if you're hung up on your BPDx's image and apparent success and happiness, let it go.  You don't know what's really going on behind closed doors.  Just give it time, and you'll likely see the same patterns emerge that sunk your relationship.  And if not, if she's one of the rare pwBPD that's able to successfully recognize and control her behavioral disorder, well good for her.  Maybe she'll reach out and apologize for how she treated you, but maybe not.  And regardless, you have your own life and path to walk, and it's not near hers.  Learn to appreciate what you have!


There's going to be ups and downs; life is a marathon, not a sprint.  The first years of your career are the most challenging, but if you work hard and keep your eyes and ears open, you'll learn fast and it will get easier. 

And a lot of people burn out and fail out of their careers, especially if they burn too brightly early on.  So again, focus on your own game and don't worry about things outside your control.  It's natural to do so, of course, as we compare ourselves to our peers, but you can't let it affect you so much.  If the person is BPD, you'll likely see these ups and downs happen a lot more regularly... just give it time and don't allow envy to cloud your judgment.