From a child's point of view, I think this is a valid concern- what will the kids' think? But if she was concerned about what the kids will think, she wouldn't consider it. Also, the concept of infidelity may not be relevant to the kids at their age. It's an adult situation and beyond a child's comprehension. Kids might learn a rated G version of the 10 Commandments but a simplified form. What their mother does with another partner- they aren't going to see it or hopefully not be told about it.

As a child and teen, what I thought about my BPD mother was formed through her behavior at home. What was confusing is that it was normalized. For kids, their home is their example of "normal". As an older child/teen I could see that my friends' mothers didn't act like that, but we kids didn't have a say about BPD mother's behavior.

A parent's relationship with a child is formed on how a parent relates to them, not what that parent does with anyone else. I don't know if BPD mother ever had an affair or not but that would not have made a difference to what we thought of her as kids, or teens, compared to our relationship with her.

Kids also learn from both parents. If you want your kids to learn about monogomy, then you would need to role model that for them. While you can't control your wife's choices, you can hold on to your own moral code. One possible reason she may want you to agree to an open marriage is that, if you do, and you do it yourself- then it may avoid shame for her, after all if what she's doing isn't OK, you doing it might make it OK. If you think it's not OK for her than it needs to be not OK for you.

One option is to say to her "I understand you want an open marriage and I don't. I wish that you didn't want to date other people but I also can't control your decisions. On my part, I will remain monogomous. I've said all I can about this topic and don't wish to discuss it further".

Then you walk away from this, the decision is up to her now. Don't say what you would do if she did have an affair. She knows how you feel. Let her think things over.

Yes, I read an excellent post on quora the other day on this subject, saying in order to help you must facilitate. The poster gave the example of his brother being an alcoholic that had lost his wife, lost his job, lost his home and was living in his truck. He could try and persuade him to go to AA meetings, and offer him a place to stay, but this wouldn’t help because he knew he would just go back to drinking two bottles of vodka a day. So he would wait until his brother got to the point that he got in contact himself and asked for a place to stay. And after he left he then waited for his brother to contact him again saying that he needs to change and needs to get help, so he then offered him information on AA meetings and offered him a lift to get there.

It is then his brother that is initiating his own recovering, while he is facilitating the help required for him to do so.

As I understand it, mental issues and behavioral disorders aren't black and white diagnoses, like having the flu or COVID, where you know they're each caused by a specific pathogen you can test for. 

Mental illnesses are more like a convenient grouping for doctors and mental health professionals to classify and attempt to treat disorders and mental illnesses, based on some common traits and patterns of behavior. 

From this site above (link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder), there's this statement:


I'd read more about it here, and elsewhere online.  But a lot of what you've described fits most of the criteria.  And the fear of abandonment can manifest in other ways, such as self-sabotaging relationships before they get to a point where the parties are committed enough that one party leaving the other would trigger those feelings of abandonment.

I think for example, if someone leaves her fairly soon after meeting her, then she can chalk that up to them being liars, cheaters, afraid of commitment, not enough for her, not man enough to handle her, etc. and  she doesn't have to consider that she pushed them away by her own behavior; that she is flawed in some way.


I don't think you should focus on the trees (i.e. a specific diagnosis) more than the forest (the behavior you're trying to avoid).  You know enough to know that she's generally a difficult person (to put it nicely).  I'd say her behavior is toxic and destructive.  Don't waste your time trying to parse that out further and see what makes her tick. 

You made a mistake by getting too involved early on.  Chalk it up to that, and move on, but understand it's not going to be painless; when she sees your lack of interest, that will probably trigger some feelings in her and spur her to try to rekindle something; pwBPD LIKE to be chased; they crave that attention.  That fills "the void" inside them. 

I think it's in your best interest to read more about this on the site - especially other threads in this section from guys who've been in your shoes - and understand her behavior is not about you, and there's nothing you can do to change it.  Don't let this shake your confidence in yourself or feel that you somehow could have done better by her. 

Imagine you're on a ship at sea, and you survive a violent storm.  you're curious now whether it was a hurricane, how powerful the wind was, what caused it, etc.  And that's normal... but don't need to sail back into it to try to find out!  Nor should you.  You can observe from a distance, heal, learn & understand why you allowed this person to trample over you for the brief time you were together, and also understand there's a lot you can't know because pwBPD hide a lot of secrets (or lie about them), and learn to be satisfied with that. 

No that wouldn’t be the reason for telling her if that were to happen. The reason I might think about telling her would be for transparency. There are also some behaviours on her part that I see as a potential problem but this may well just be me over thinking because I’ve been in a relationship with someone displaying borderline traits. I’ve spoken about the fact I can message her and not get a response for a couple of hours yet she is active online so it appears she is ignoring me, and that has improved since I mentioned it, but what I haven’t spoken to her about because I think I may be over reacting is the amount of time her ex, the father of her son, spends around her house considering they split up 7 years ago. So mentioning my wife trying to re connect might nudge her into being a bit more committed but then is that on the edge of being triangulation.

Hi, you are describing my situation precisely. I agree with Sancho… the difference is you can listen for emotion and validate feelings about life events or even about your own relationship with her if she’s somewhat regulated.

However, for me, validation does not work because it’s rare she’s regulated about me. She sees me as the cause of all bad things. So, it opens the door to responses like- no, you don’t understand. Or - well if you see I’m sad, do something… you cause this. Then you are off to the races explaining, defending etc. and it fuels more anger.

That’s when I’ve moved to a limit. “We don’t see things the same way,  and I won’t discuss the past anymore. Is there something else you want to discuss?.”

I think validation does defuse interactions, but when it’s personal anger with you as the trigger, to me, it opens the door to more anger and blaming.

I agree with this.  I don't think it's right to tell your partner about other potential relationships you could be in, even if they're with an ex.  And that goes both ways.  If I had a GF who was always telling me about other guys who were expressing interest in her or have... or worse: that she herself was interested in, my response now would be: "Go be with them then.  Why are you telling me?"

You want to trust your partner & know they're committed to you, and if they're telling you about every guy who flirted with them on the street, asked them out, etc. you start to wonder.  The ideal standard should be "We both shut down any third party interest, and we don't need to bring it up  because it means nothing."

What's the otherwise practical result of telling your partner "Hey, I'm thinking about my ex" or  "Thinking of getting back together with my ex"?  Just seeing how they'd react?  That's not fair to them.  They'd be justified in looking for an out to protect themselves for getting blindsided later.

Yeah, but it wasn't about the car, or the dogs, or the cup.  It was about mental illness and disordered thinking. 

They couldn't say how they actually felt because that would be terrifying for them.  What if they actually shared their feelings in a vulnerable way and you rejected them?  That's unthinkable for a BPD!  So instead, the cup or the car is a great way to vent off that frustration and feel just a tad better for a few minutes.  Before long, they forget about the core problem (they're mentally disordered) and the cup somehow becomes proof that the actual problem is you.

As I've said in other threads, there is a way past this through love, compassion, and patience.  It's so incredibly hard most of the time though until enough trust is built to reverse that toxic way of thinking.

Yup, I completely agree.  The entire goal with BPDs is for their self-made environments to be tough enough where they'll think, "Huh, maybe I need a change.  And maybe that change needs to come from within..."

So by not saving her, by not making things easier, by not being the hero every time she messes up, it's actually getting her just a little bit closer to realizing the obvious to everyone else around her.

I hope that helps and if it's any consolation, I still do the same thing in my head all the time.  And I hate admitting that!

Yeah it it just bugs that every perceived slight is seen as you purposely attacking them or their character. Things that don't even have to do with them. We had a blowup argument because I parked my vehicle at a slight angle. 'I told you not to park like that! it's too hard to take the dogs out'........I was the one who took the dogs out, not her, and I reminded her of that. Somehow my parking like that against her will showed I don't value her or her opinion. Me reminding her I take the dogs out was me rubbing it in her face that she doesn't do enough. Uh, what? But eventually I gave in and always parked how she saw fit.

Leave a cup on the counter by the fridge....I did that on purpose apparently, to spite her because she was the one who usually did the dishes (load a dishwasher). Then you look at her nightstand and there's 4 cups....

I hated having to apologize for things that didn't happen or were perceived some way. It's like admitting guilt and then they feel vindicated for going crazy. And bring it all up in every fight. She legit had a running log of things I've done bad, screenshotted text message arguments (my replies only of course), audio and video recordings when she finally got me to snap. Luckily the videos were generally me crying hahaha

exactly the behaviour I experienced, word for word I could have written your post, the op’s too.

Any apology from myself would be pointless, I’d just as well headbutt a brick wall repeatedly for all the good apologising for something would do.

I’ve always questioned if she has bpd since finding out about it but posts like every single one in this thread convince me more and more. I’d even started to wonder if it was actually me that has bpd but then I look at my current relationship and it is calm, drama free with not one argument in nearly a year so I can only come to the conclusion it isn’t me!