Hi again,

You might be able to copy and paste your ex's long emails into an AI app and ask it to summarise action items where a response from you is needed.

Just my two cents.

I'm really sorry  to hear this. This is such difficult news.

I'm saying this only because I've had this happen multiple times in my toxic extended family. My apologies for bringing this up. Disordered people have been known to fake or exaggerate illnesses.

Have you talked only to uBPD mom about this and has your sibling been her flying monkey in the past? Maybe call dad in the hospital to verify or ask to speak with him at the hospital main number and hang up before you speak to dad.

If real, please take care of yourself. Notwendy has great suggestions about what to expect when illness strikes an enabler parent.

As much as you are inclined, even impelled, to want to reach out and contact her, wisdom says... Stop, pause and give yourself time to recover, not just from your injuries but from the impact of years of living with a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.

Note what the objective authorities did... They told her - possibly even ordered her - not to contact you.  It only makes sense that you reciprocate and not contact her.  Distance apart is a protection for both of you.

Now is a time for you to listen to your brain (and the counsel of objective others).  In time your heart will catch up and accept this is/was a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.  Might there be a future?  Unless and until you both work on your own issues, it would be best to respect the orders in place to limit or avoid more "incidents".

First of all- be kind to yourself. This is difficult. In a way, this post could be from me to my past self, several years ago, when I got the news that my father was seriously ill, and also what I learned from the experience.

I wasn't LC with my parents. I didn't know about BPD. I was more enmeshed and also an enabler to my BPD mother. Yet, I also had been her scapegoat child and was still trying to be "good enough" for my parents, not knowing that due to the dynamics in the family, for anyone, being "good enough" for BPD mother probably wasn't possible.

What I wasn't prepared for was that BPD mother's behavior escalated during this time. It was the opposite of what one would expect from a "normal" parent- to be kinder- during such a difficult time. But knowing now, the dynamics were that my father- who also enabled her- this was a form of emotional caretaking and that, with Karpman triangle dynamics, she was in Victim mode, and Dad was in Rescuer.

In Victim role, a person is not accountable. They are not to blame. For the pwBPD, this perspective is prefered. It avoids shame. However, in the situation where my father was ill, he was the actual victim, struggling with an illness, and where the family dynamics were usually focused on BPD mother, they were now focused on him, and BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

Not understanding this dynamic, and being emotionally upset too, I reacted to that. In a "normal" situation, a parent would be understanding that their children are upset too, but this was beyond the capacity of BPD mother and in my father's condition, his too, and with the pattern of rescuer, she got angry at me, he then aligned with her. To cope, I had to have boundaries- and this didn't sit well with them either.

There's more to say about the experience but for now, I agree with you that - if this were my parents- now is not the time for attempting to have a conversation about the relationship with hope for some resolution of past issues. This is a high stress situation for them and also for you and your siblings. While one hopes people would be kinder and more supportive in this situation, when there's dysfunction, escalation of the disordered behaviors may be likely.

For me, to actually reconcile issues was not possible. BPD mother was not capable of that. Bringing up anything that happened- she'd get angry and dissociate. Also it seemed that whatever I tried to do- she'd find something to be angry at.

For me, I realized that resolution for me would be on my part. If looking to my parents for approval, forgiveness, may not be possible, it could still lean on faith and my own ethics for how to relate to them, and maintain my own sense of self worth. I also looked closely at the line of how to relate to my parents while also having boundaries and to hold on to the (sometimes not certain belief) that it isn't wrong to to have boundaries, even if they didn't like it.

And to accept the sadness that this isn't the relationship I wanted with my elderly parents, because I did want to help them in their elder years, but this was not what I hoped it would be.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I think it's important to have support at this time- and also to understand that immediate family isn't likely to be capable of being of support. That's not your fault. It's their limitations. Turn to the people who can be of support- therapists, your friends, community, faith.

I hope for you and your family that the results tomorrow is good news.

I was with my pwbpd for 6 years with one major 6 month break up period at the 5 year mark so we had been back together 6 months. I said something that triggered jealously in her and she attacked me. I was cut and bleeding bad, I reacted badly and grabbed her and asked is she wanted to know what it felt like to be beaten. the fear in her face won't leave me. I didnt hurt her but I threw her aside hard onto the floor. I was injured and bleeding badly. I acted out of fear, adrenaline and previous mental traumas from there relationship. I left the house but we had both been drinking and I drove off and was arrested. she was also arrested and evicted from my home and released on bail with instruction to not contact me. that was the last time I saw her, prior to that incident we were having such a fun loving night. I reached out to say my part and apologise for me part but it was read but not replied to. she sent a text when I first left the house saying I was scary and a different man and that she is scared of me. bear in mind im soaked with blood and not a mark on her. I know I need to get out but I feel such guilt for scaring her and I cant even make it right with her. im feeling so so low.

I still love her and want to talk to her.

I haven't been on here in a while, so apologies for being a bit disconnected from everyone.

Brief background: I have been extremely-LC with my family for 4 years now. My mom is uBPD, my dad is her enabler, and my siblings chose to side with mom when I set firm boundaries.

Last Sunday morning, I was awakened at 7:30 AM by a phone call from my mom. I knew immediately that something was wrong because a) she has texted but hasn't tried to call me at all in the last four years, and b) we live on opposite sides of the world so it was 1:30 AM for her. I could also see that I had missed call/text notifications from both my mom and my youngest sibling, so I braced for the worst and picked up the phone (while still trying to wake up!).

My mom informed me that my dad was admitted to the hospital, and initial scans were showing what looks like Stage 4 cancer metastisized in several organs in his abdomen.

She called me again later that day and texted the following day, to give me updates on the situation from the doctors and surgeons. At this point, they are still saying it looks like metastatic cancer growths but they won't say anything with 100% certainty until the pathology report comes back, which should be tomorrow.

This has been a LOT for me to process this week. The news about my dad. The first time hearing my mom's voice in 4+ years. The torturous wait for results. The what-ifs. The regret and fear that I have wasted the last few years not being in contact. The desire to be back in the family right now in this crisis, at odds with not wanting to just sweep everything (conflict/abuse) under the rug, plus my siblings refusing to answer my texts when I did reach out to them this week.

My body is feeling the stress - my stomach has been in knots and upset all week and I've had a headache almost every day. I'm going through ups and downs of feeling numb + wanting to cry every 5 minutes. And we don't even have a definite diagnosis or prognosis yet!

We are scheduled to travel back to the States this summer to visit friends & family, and ironically, I'd already been considering reaching out to my parents and exploring the idea of trying to have a conversation with them while we are there - trying to start steps toward restoring contact. My therapist even offered to have my mom zoom in to a couple of our sessions before then so she could mediate some initial conversations. Now that this has happened with my dad, though, it doesn't feel like the right time to be like - "ok guys we need to talk about our relationship" and yet I can't stay NC/LC with this going on either.

I think the suggestions vary because, pwBPD and our experiences also vary- and so consider them in context of your situation.

With my BPD mother- asking her to restrict something or do something- she'd perceive it as a confrontation. In context of having the attorney do it with your ex wife, consider the goals. It may be worth the cost of the attorney to have it officially documented, and her email reply would be evidence of whether or not she complies, but it may or may not work to get her to send shorter emails.

PwBPD have difficulty managing uncomfortable emotions and projection- percieving them as due to someone else, rather than their own feelings is seen with pwBPD. The pwBPD projects the emotions out.

How much one can control this is questionable. The boundary of contact by emails is a good one, and it seems this is working, but I don't know how much control one can have of the content in them. One advantage is that written communication is documented, and you can read them a bit at a time- on your time. The suggestion to have them summarized by AI is a good one, if that is possible. I haven't used AI, so I don't know how it's done.

x

My late dBPD mother was diagnosed after a few days in an inpatient psychiatric ward.  I asked the doctor and he got permission from my mom to tell me. She's had the same symptoms since I first had memories at age 3.

In my home state, a husband is not obligated to tell a spouse of any illness he has. Maybe your state is the same? Many therapists are reluctant to give BPD as a diagnosis as well due to the stigma.

There is a type of BPD that's called quiet or covert BPD where the person hides their bpd rages through passive aggressive behavior. For example, they'll "forget"
to do a very important thing for you, hide or throw away a personal item you like, smirk or have a giggle when something goes wrong for you, give you the silent treatment.

Here's a Psychology Today article about it.
 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202107/the-struggles-quiet-bpd

I struggled in my marriage with my then fiance. Get to therapy to see what's going on with him. Not all therapists understand personality disorders and definitely steer clear of couples therapy before you get individual therapy. Therapists can display cultural bias against "complaining" women.  My then fiance (now ex-husband)  who turned out to be a violent, cheating husband, had the therapist agree the problems in our relationship were due to me.  Choose an individual therapist who specializes in treating personality disorders to help you. 

I wish you the best of luck!

Has your husband received a BPD diagnosis?  Part of your post makes me think yes, part makes me think no.  Please let us know.

I did want to answer you directly though and say that what you're describing above is consistent with someone who suffers from BPD.  At the start of the relationship, everything is wonderful and they're very open...they wouldn't want to live without you in their life.  But as reality sets in and they realize that you have faults just like every other person in the world, they begin to withdraw because they feel like things are slipping away.  He wouldn't want to express that now though or show it directly because now it's a possibility, you may walk out on him and it would break him internally.

So instead of confronting his fears directly, he lashes out in other ways.  Maybe he complains about the food, the neighbors, what's on TV, anything really.  Maybe little things you do makes him act like they've super big things...all this ties back to feeling neglected and the relationship falling apart.

More than anything though, it's disordered thinking and obsessing over details until they begin to shift and take new meaning.  That's what happened in my former marriage, my ex wife said I was highly abusive and always put her down.  Yet when others asked what I said or did, she couldn't recall anything.  It's because in her mind, I had become the enemy and she felt like I was out to ruin her life.  None of that was true, but her feelings and emotions made it true to her.

That's BPD, that's the sickness and why it's so hard on relationships.