Thanks for sharing.

You could always have dreams come true with another person, if they are more emotionally stable, yes?
But there is probably a middle ground between dreams and reality that can be a little elusive :-)

Congratulations!!

Hi mom!

Just remember that "feelings are not facts!"

For instance, my daughter made a comment the other day that her credit is ruined because of me.  She begged me to co-sign on a car, she blew up the car's engine by ignoring the check oil light, then the car was repo'd when she couldn't afford to fix it.  Her credit was ruined because she was highly irresponsible. 

Again, feelings are not facts.  However, BPD feelings can lead to them saying horrible things when they feel bad to make others feel bad too.  It's your choice whether or not to listen to that stuff.  Also, that doesn't mean that they've always felt that way or that they even believe it's the truth themselves- they're just projecting their pain so it can't be their own fault.

You could look for police blotters etc to find any evidence of the auto accident (if there was some kind of collision).

You could also call CPS and tell ask them in a theoretical sort of way. When my ex and I were still together, he had started to pass out while caring for the kids. I called CPS about it. Their reply was that they expected me to basically intervene and manage the situation to keep the kids safe, since I was the safe parent in the household, or I could seek to get the other parent removed. It was clear to me that the situation wasn't something I could manage so I got him removed.

Dear Broken Mom 2,

My heart goes out to you.  How excruciating.

Obviously, I don't know what kind of mom you were.  But I do know that if she's saying you abused her but you didn't, then she is not a reliable narrator. And I also know that the fact that you can't take her pain away doesn't mean you are failing her; that's the reality of bpd.

Do you have a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on families helping you?

Yes I have had the same experience. I remember a mix of negative and positive memories, and it's extremely confusing.  Towards both me and the kids.  sometimes when I remember a lot of positive things I have to actively remind myself of the negative things. There are things the kids are able to do now, very basic things like having play dates or going to camp or getting certain kinds of health care, that were never allowed or I was intimidated into feeling were impossible when we were together.

"Haunted" makes sense to me too.  I still struggle to totally reconcile the good and the bad. The good / peaceful times always made me feel like okay, it's over, things are going to be okay.  But the bad would always come back.

I am just so heartbroken, my daughter has told me I have never been the mom she needed and she has never felt loved in her life. I am trying so hard to be there for her but everything I do is never good enough or the right thing.I feel like I am the reason she is the way she is, maybe I wasn't a good mom. I know I did the best I could but once her father had an affair and left 14 years ago when she was 10 she has blamed me for everything it feels. My children were my everything and I only ever seen myself as a mom and nothing more. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I have realised I can be more then just a mom.
I just don't know how to respond to her negative messages anymore she even went so low to say that the reason she was triggered as a kid was because I abused her. That hurt so much because I have never abused either of my kids, but just the though of her feeling that way makes me sick to my stomach. For 10 years I have taken her putting me down, blaming me for everything that has ever happened to her and physically hurting me leaving me with bruises. I don't know if this is her BPD talking but it is killing me to know this is what she is feeling. All I have ever wanted to do was protect my kids and I can't take this pain away for her and I am feeling like I am failing her once again.
I tried to give my kids a wonderful childhood, doing Disney trips every year, coaching and managing hockey teams for them and staying home with them until they started school. So it hurts to know how she feels about all of it. I just want to fix everything for her but I don't know what to do anymore....

That sounds super difficult!

I think it's likely that he will continue acting out for a while through the breakup. Leaning on your resources to maintain sanity is good. You will have to keep an eye on whether the situation is physically and mentally safe for you.

If there is any option to move out - even if you need temporary public benefits or something - it's a good idea to be aware of your options.

While you are there, leaning in to the boundaries may help. Maybe as if he is a roommate that you don't know. Do you have your own bedroom?  Try to set up your own space for sleeping, hanging out etc. Maybe line up some media (books / audiobooks, movies etc) or other individual activities to tune into while you are home.  Maybe identify some safe and relatively low demand / rejuvenating places to hang out, like friends' homes, public library, coffee shop, etc so you get some space from the home situation and have a good go to if things get intense.

Do you very best not to get pulled into arguments, physical contact, etc.  It's likely that he will try to bait you in. Practice ways to gracefully exit the conversation and avoid venting, lending him support, etc.

I'm sure it will get better from here but I know it's hard while you are feeling not the strongest.

I'll start with the short version.
Hello, I'm hanging in there.

I've only recently learned that a BPD support group even existed. I'll give a little bit about myself and where I'm coming from, what lead me here, and I guess what I'm hoping to get out of this.

I was recently recommended The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder after hitting a snag with my wife and remembering that she had told me eary in our dating that she was diagnosed with BPD when she was younger. We've been together 11 years, married 8. She told me at the time that I should call her out on it if she snapped at me. I never really thought much of it at the time or did any research on it until just recently.
I have history with depression and have developed issues with anxiety. My depression stems from the loss of my mother. She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and passed away in 2004 on the morning of my 21st birthday. My father passed away in 2019 after spending a week in a coma due to an accident. Now that I've been doing some reading/research I'd say there was a high probability that he had BPD himself. After my mother passed, I kinda shut down emotionally. I was still in my childhood home with my Father and younger sister, at least until she started college and he rented a cabin for himself as an escape and started blowing through all the money he had. He bought cars, musical instruments, art... it was all "an investment" and nothing we said could stop him. He was also an alcoholic. It got to the point where he burned through his money, bills weren't being paid, things would get turned off, etc. Most of our interactions far a while were him needing money from me. I'd write him literal blank check to keep my sister in school or I'd have to make the calls to have utilities turned back on when he wasn't paying bills. This went on until I was 29 and I made the decision that I had to get out while I could. I didn't date at all, I was embarrassed by how I lived my life and wouldn't subject anyone to my dad while I lived there. I managed to find a foreclosure I could swing, having a roommate lined up already helped, and made a break for it. It wasn't an easy time between me and my dad. My sister moved out as well a year or so later and, for the first time in his life, my dad had to take care of himself. Our relationship improved after that.
By the age of 31, I was finally at a point in my life where I was ready to start dating (pretty late to just start). When I met my wife we lived over 200 miles apart. We seemed to instantly click. We talked/texted constantly, took turns making the drive to spend weekends together. I didn't think much at the time of how much of my time she demanded, how she'd get upset if I didn't respond quickly enough. We'd talk until we fell asleep at night, or rather, I'd talk her to sleep. I'd tell stories of my childhood or whatever popped into my mind and occasionally throw in an "I love you", if I didn't get a response I knew I could finally let myself fall asleep, sometimes in tears. I was getting under 5 hours of sleep in those days. I figured all of this was normal, I had no context, and growing up with my father without ever even hearing about BPD before, I didn't recognize any signs. She would snap at me at times, perceive things I did as things some of her exes did, but in my head this was all how a relationship was supposed to be. I did nearly break things off with her twice before we got engaged, once while we were long distance, and once while we were living together. I always felt like I was hurting her and not giving her what she needed. We talked everything out and obviously stayed together. She still occasionally asks my if she made me stay. I started seeing a councilor for the first time in our long distance phase. I was sleep deprived (though I don't think I admitted that to myself at the time) and was finally processing everything from my mom's passing after 10 years, or that's what I told myself, it was multiple things and I'm sure at least some if it was a symptom of something I wasn't seeing until recently. I was having suicidal thoughts. I ended up seeing a councilor my myself for a second time a couple years ago after maybe the 3rd time I pushed for us to see someone together as a couple. There had been points in our relationship where even she has suggested this but when push came to shove she ultimately was against seeing someone herself. I took the opportunity to go myself and started to learn how to set boundaries. I've picked back up some of the hobbies I lost and have been trying myself to take more me time. Even then the thoughts of BPD hadn't even entered my mind. My councilor left the practice a couple years back and I've been trying to continue on my own since.
It was only recently that I remembered her mentioning her diagnosis. I was venting after she had snapped at me before work one morning a couple weeks ago and it clicked. She was getting dressed to go for a pre-work run and had to come downstairs to get clothing out of the dryer while I was eating breakfast. She started off with an "Oh, hey" in a flirty way as we tend to do when one of us is in a state of undress. She made a comment about having to take her clothes upstairs and I responded "I'm certainly not mad at the situation." She immediately snapped at me saying that she just wanted to have "one conversation" without me hitting on her. She apologized pretty quickly but i was so thrown that I could feel my anxiety and depression ramping up through the work day. I was near tears at one point. It took until then, in my early 40s, that things clicked into place and what I've perceived as "normal" my whole life has not been.

I guess what I'm looking to do is to protect myself more. Take back more of my life for me. Once a week I currently play D&D with friends via zoom. My wife has admitted that she gets jealous hearing me laughing with them and in the past I've nearly let that ruin it for me but I stuck with it. I also play poker at a friend's once a month and have cut out a little time to play video games again.

This may have been covered here a lot already but I am not finding it easily or not searching well!

A few years ago I got an emergency court order to remove my now ex BPD partner from the home. It was a bumpy road but I've been able to address a lot of the kids' needs that he was irrationally opposed to, and of course don't live with the same daily tension and control and limits and eggshells I was used to.  Divorce is hard  and I'm tired but I believe it was the right thing to do.

Maybe I have to remind myself harder how much better things are. Lately things have felt tough. I had a significant loss in my family of origin in the last year, I'm paying child support so there's a lot of financial pressure on me still as the breadwinner, and I'm juggling various financial deadlines and requirements as part of our separation agreement. I'm really tired and depleted and possibly depressed. I'm functioning but have the feeling that I keep spinning my wheels and can't totally get traction. I live in the US and current political landscape isn't helping.

Persistent feelings that "this is all my fault" return at times, especially when I am feeling depleted. I know that feeling vulnerable is a trigger for me. PTSD emotional flashbacks that had gotten better over time have intensified, with more intense and prolonged bad feelings at times.  It's hard to detangle what is just straight up grief, exhaustion, perimenopause , or something bigger and more persistent.  While it's a relief not to live with my ex day to day, sometimes coparenting touchpoints about scheduling etc become escalated and he repeats accusations, blaming, overreactions, boundary crossing, etc. (Even though things are directionally better, I think this can be triggering at times, or make me feel crazy.)

When I zoom out, I can see that I had to juggle A LOT in the past 3-5 years and it's not crazy that I'm feeling depleted. I struggle with self care and boundaries in general.

I guess I am wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar.  It will help to anchor my perspective in the moments that continue to feel ovewhelming at times. Any strategies you guys have used would be welome.

One thing my T has been saying to me is that acceptance begins with accepting yourself as you are.  What immediately popped into my mind was that old song (theme song from "Scrubs") "I'm no Superman."  I have strengths (like we all do.) I'm by all accounts very sensitive, which cuts multiple ways.  And I'm no superman! And that's just what it is.

In case others relate or just want to remember Scrubs ():

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4zMv-yAxtQ&list=RDU4zMv-yAxtQ&start_radio=1