When my son was about 14 yrs his grandfather paid for him to wear braces. He wore them about a year. Then he started to get into this illness on a deeper level. He screamed and cried he needed them off, The pain was too much (I believe internally) anyway, I had the orthodontist take them off. I could weep over doing that. I still am on the inside. Years later when my son was in his 30's he brought up the incident and said What kind of a mother would do that?
I'm sure your son put you in a bind. You felt that his pain was so bad that he just needed to take his braces off. Indeed, he screamed and cried, probably loudly and persistently. You allowed him to get what he wanted to stop the pain, screaming and crying.
Your son didn't relent until you did! Does that sound familiar? Does it still apply today?
I'm not sure if your son's pain with the braces was merely physical, with tooth soreness and tongue blisters. I wore braces, headgear and retainers at that age, and they hurt, sometimes quite a bit, disrupting my sleep. But there was emotional "pain" too--braces aren't pretty, and retainers made me lisp until I got used to them. I'm sure there was some teasing by classmates. Wearing mouthgurads with braces in sports was another challenge for me. Having a driver's licence picture or yearbook picture with braces might be mildly embarrassing. Yet most kids endure the temporary discomfort, adjustments and self-consciousness for the long-term benefits: correcting a bite and improving one's smile. Getting braces isn't uncommon at all, at least where I live. It's almost a rite of passage. A main difference is that these days, braces are worn at younger ages, and they look better in my opinion.
Alas, with BPD, the short term typically trumps the long term, and emotions typically trump rational thought. What I experience with the pwBPD in my life is a mix of low distress tolerance, too much focus on her external image and general perception distortion. Here's another thing: I think the pwBPD in my life doesn't have a strong sense of self, which prevents her from planning properly for her "future self." In other words, since she doesn't know who she is today (except victim), she can't possibly think about working towards a better future for herself. When she confronts a challenge, such as wanting money or enduring braces, what happens? She has a hard time tolerating today's minor distress (having to wait to save up some money, enduring a little discomfort). She has a distorted perception of what will happen if she doesn't immediately get what she wants. She just can't go on living until she gets it--the real-life equivalent for my pwBPD is plastic surgery. She becomes obsessive about it, saying she can't tolerate living without it. Does that ring any bells? With my pwBPD, there's little value placed on patience, perspective, working towards things she wants. Rather, I think she feels entitled, downtrodden and aggrieved because she doesn't have what she wants, and it's someone else's fault.
The sad reality is, this "affliction" is part of BPD. And it can't be "fixed" by throwing money at it. Even if I paid for ten plastic surgeries for my pwBPD, do you think she'd feel any better? If I paid for a new apartment, a new car, more education, a dog, a vacation in Europe, would she feel better? I think you know the answer to those questions. What happens is that the more money she gets from parents, the more she feels entitled, and her needs don't diminish, they expand! That's because the core problem isn't one about money, but about emotional control, negative thinking patterns and negative self-image.
So what do you do? I think you shift your focus away from fixing, and towards bolstering your son's independence. You support your son, not by giving him money, but by giving him love and encouragement, provided that he's treating you right. You show confidence in his ability to figure things out for himself, and you give him room to do that. You remind him of his many good deeds. You praise the seemingly small wins--having a civil conversation, taking care of himself, working a full week, keeping the lights on, doing something nice for his kid, solving a tough situation himself. Praising these actions, these baby steps towards healthy habits and independence, can go a long way in my opinion. It's funny, I just noticed how I wrote about praising actions over qualities. I could have said emotionally-charged things like, I love how you're artistic, smart, charming, etc., which a pwBPD might question because I'm "insincere"--of course a mom is going to think that. But somehow, I think that praising actions is more believable, more real.
