When it comes to seeking closure from a person with BPD traits (pwBPD), our experience is that it's generally counterproductive.  It's better to Gift yourself whatever Closure you feel you need.  Remember that explaining yourself just exposes yourself to needless discord.  We have to remember that using JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) is a communication approach that works well with us reasonably normal people, typically fails with pwBPD.  In other words... if it's over, then just accept it's over.  Let the sleeping dogs lie undisturbed.

Some here have really felt a need to DO something.  How about writing your letter and then, with or without friends or ceremony, let it burn.  (No forest fires, please!)

P.S.

I though I'd add my own experience to illustrate, with the caveat that everyone is different, and pwBPD falls on a spectrum.

My adult BPD stepdaughter has lived with her dad and me (her stepmom), on and off, for most of her adult life.  There were times she was stable, namely while she was on vacation and had zero responsibilities.  Nevertheless, the second she started having some responsibilities, such as working a part-time job or working on a job search, she'd lash out in petulant anger.  She wanted to be allowed to sleep all day, consume social media all night and not contribute anything to the household.  In the short run, this was fun for her.  But in the long run, she felt bored, alienated and lacked an "identity" as an adult.  Then, something would come up, and she'd want money, typically for extravagant travel.  She had to ask her dad for the money, and that was a source of shame.  But when he attached conditions (such as employment), she balked.  And then she'd make everyone's life miserable in the home, blaming us for the sad state of her life, and not getting to do whatever she wanted.

Last fall, my husband couldn't take the situation anymore.  Though we tried to help her search for jobs, provided encouragement, and provided all sorts of support (e.g. networking connections, free travel for out-of-state job interviews), she just didn't want to do it.  Basically, she gave up.  And then the negative thinking spiral took over (it's hopeless, my life is over, nobody wants me, I'm a failure), and she started to lash out and blame us.  The home became tension-filled and toxic.

I think the core issue was parental enablement.  In essence, she was too "comfortable" in our home, because her basic needs were met (free room and board), plus privacy (her own bedroom and bathroom), free internet, free phone, no required chores, ample spending money from her dad, plus a car and car insurance paid for by her dad.  She was too content lying on her back in bed, napping or streaming entertainment on her computer, and occassionally driving somewhere to buy preferred food items.  The notion that she'd have to sacrifice all her leisure time to work seemed daunting.  Not only that, but to pay her own way, starting with rent.  That would require a FULL-TIME job, whereas historically she'd only work a few hours here and there.  Who would choose to "downgrade" their lifestyle, if they didn't have to?  I think a pwBPD will never make that choice voluntarily, because they feel so entitled, as well as generally fearful.

But here's the thing.  The pwBPD in my life is certainly capable.  If she can work a day, she can work a hundred days, or a thousand.  Heck, she has a driver's license and drives anywhere she wants.  If she were so mentally impaired and impulsive, then why on earth is she driving around?

Last fall, my husband asked his daughter to leave, and she did.  Though I'm sure she was upset he asked her to leave, I think deep down she wanted him to do it!  That way she could "blame" him for being mean, and validate her narrative that she's abused and "abandoned."  But the truth was, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain--she'd have free housing with us, as long as she was nice, respectful and working full-time (or working full-time to find full-time work).  Though it was stressful when she left, I think it was one of the better things to happen to her!  Here's how it played out:  she stayed on a friend's couch for a short time.  Then she found a house-sitting situation.  And then she found a long-term roommate situation.  She got a couple different jobs, and she has been supporting herself for the most part.  I know she still struggles, but I think her life looks a whole lot healthier and "normal" than it did when she lived with us.  When she was living with us, she was rotting in bed.  Now at least she's working and showing independence, building an identity as a productive member of society.

Hello and welcome to the site, we can all relate to what you've gone through.

If it's some sort of closure and explanation you're seeking, it's unlikely you'll get it. In the mind of the BPD, they were always the victim and tend not to justify anything they did.

It would indeed be nice if our exBPD's did take responsibility and acknowledge - even if in a small way - that they caused problems, instead of leaving us in a shattered wreck both mentally and physically wondering what the hell just happened.

If you're happy the relationship is truly over for good then I wouldn't be inclined to initiate any contact as they would see this as you still being interested and a candidate 'if all else fails' and they have nobody else in the picture at the moment.

If you want to re-engage with the hope of trying again then remember that they were unable to accept sense, reason and logic when you actually spoke to them so are likely to treat a written letter the same way.

I wrote to my exBPD a couple of times during her many meltdowns but I don't think it ever served any real purpose. She went out with me because I was her best option at that time. Took me  a long time to realise that.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do, keep us informed we've all got your back.

Parasocial won word of the year, last year! Social media + mental illness does not equal a good time for everyone. It's such a gateway drug. I'd love to get back to posting fun, artsy things (like back in the day) but it just feels dominated by algorithms and outright depressing, now.

That's a really challenging balancing act. A good therapist is great, and I also highly recommend "High Conflict Couples" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" if you need good reads. The NEABPD 8-week courses are nice, but do take 2 hours on Friday afternoons.

An additional question, is she herself in DBT? Or seeking awareness of her state of mind, etc? One of the better things said to me here regularly is the thumb-and-hammer reality that the way our pwBPD process and ingest emotional experiences is like hitting your thumb with a hammer; can't think straight. That makes it very difficult for people in your situation.

I understand feeling closed off; it can be difficult to be yourself when your emotions feel like "the problem" (insofar as feeling as if having any of them at all simply becomes a trigger). While that might not be your unique situation, what you're feeling and experiencing is a real feeling.

My kids are older, but I've found talking about anger/ethics in general to be a better way of speaking that about their mom. My youngest (14) has asked "Why is Mom so mad" and we've talked about emotional dysregulation, but that's easier at an older age. My wife is diagnosed and open with our kids about her condition. I wish that made how she treated me / anything different, but I'm coming to terms (actively) that this may not be the case.

Both the mortgage and the deed are in each of our names; the plan I've had (in our separation route) is that she can live there for (12) months and that we would then address whether to sell it or I purchase equity from her and remain while she moves on. I presented that I would cover all utilities and we split mortgage 50/50 in the form of a promissory agreement to guide the eventual dissolution papers... why am I so familiar with them? I've filled them out to completion at her request three times. Each time we didn't notarize, I crossed my boundary and just said "okay yeah I'm the problem" to get us to work on it. This time I'm not doing that and the reverberations are felt and heard.

You're right about the kids - they'll be good. It just sucks because *all* of this was about abandonment. After we moved in, after I made 600 trips between dumpsters and locations, after bending over backwards to make the house a reality, I was still told: see how easily you can leave me? Your books aren't here!

Well, the books were here and it only took a single carload of things "that are mine" for "me to be out of the house." Everything I have is the family's. Everything I've worked towards/for has been for the family.

I'm definitely angry. And I'd welcome a sit-down with her therapist together to hear how devastating I've been. It'll only take one or two questions on every fact for the walls to crumble. So yeah, I'm being vindictive... I don't want that for her.

She's a mean one. She loves me so much that she's showing me more hate than I've ever felt. Might as well call that a Borderline pickup line.

It's depressing. I just need to be out of the house and have tranquility. As noted above; nothing begins until this fighting ends.

Hi there,

It sounds like you're in a pickle.  I imagine you want to help your mom regain some peace in her life.  But here's the thing.  You mention "triangulation," as well as getting "sucked in" again into a dysfunctional dynamic.  I take that to mean that your mom enables her son, correct?  That even though she's having a hard time living with him, she can't really ask him to leave?  That she can't bear to see him "thrown out on the streets?"  I imagine that's why your mom let her (adult) son live in the house in the first place, right?  And I'm guessing that ownership of the house passed to you, because you're the responsible one in the family.  Does that sound about right?

Look, if your mom really wanted her son to leave the house, my opinion is that she would have asked him to leave already.  As for initiating a formal eviction process, that's a standard process which happens all the time.  I presume that there would be a written notice and a waiting period.  Plus, if your sibling isn't paying any rent, and there's no rental agreement in place with him, then the case for eviction would be even stronger in my opinion.  I suspect that your mom, who is the one with the right to live in the house until death, should be allowed to occupy the home however she sees fit.  That should include getting rid of squatters who are a nuissance or freeloading.  She should ask him to leave, and follow whatever local eviction rules are required, if your sibling is that stubborn.

Now, of course she wants you to help, so that YOU are the bad cop.  But you know full well that will suck YOU into the dysfunctional dynamic.  By the way, I totally get how pwBPD will twist stories and make up lies about prior "deals" or "agreements" which were supposedly reached.  The entitlement always seems extreme with pwBPD, doesn't it?  And so my secondary advice is, never make a "deal" with a pwBPD that involves any up-front investment from YOU, and a future promise from the pwBPD, unless you are prepared for the pwBPD to break the promise.  In this scenario, that might look like you co-signing on an apartment for your sibling to live in.  Please don't do that, unless you're prepared to pay all the rent yourself.

Maybe you could act in an advisory capacity to your mom.  It seems to me that your sibling won't leave the maternal home because he's too comfortable.  I think you could advise your mom to make life way more uncomfortable for her son, to help him decide that living on his own is more desirable, and he might leave of his own accord.  You didn't mention too many details, but I'd suggest starting with removing luxuries for him like home WiFi/internet, phone payments, free food, free laundry and free chef/maid service.  Mom should absolutely stop giving him any spending money whatsoever.  She could change the WiFi/internet password and not tell him what it is.  She could lock the laundry room.  She could make him buy and prepare all his own food.  She could remove the door to his bedroom, as privacy is a privilege.  Or she could claim the bedroom for herself, and make him sleep on a couch.  She could clean out his closets and put his belongings in cardboard boxes and move them to the basement/garage/shed, where they need to stay until he leaves--she'd basically help him pack.  If he throws a hissy fit and makes threats, then she can call the cops.

Yet my guess is your mom won't do any of this, because your son is too difficult, and she's too much of an appeaser.  Maybe the "legal" route is the only viable one.  You could have your mom deliver him an eviction notice and then ask her to be prepared to enforce the eviction, should her son stays past the eviction date.  If she doesn't want to do that, then I think she's stuck with him.

I have recently gotten out of a one year relationship with my pwbpd. I am feeling rattled, crazy, so lost. I feel like none of it made sense and like I need clarity and that I want to apologize for my part in it. Have any of you ever written a letter to your expwbpd and if so, how did it go?

This sounds extremely difficult.  Do you have a therapist that you work with?  If so, does the therapist understand bpd?

This is rough!  I'm sorry.

I don't have all the answers, but I do believe that lawyers base their reasoning on a set of specific concerns that generally do not include bpd. think it would be rare for them to understand bpd or, even if they do, take it into consideration when advising you.  And I agree with you that triangulation is to be avoided if possible.