CC43’s post was on the money.

BPD combined with other mental health issues is the worst.  I just realized a few months ago how my PWBPD’s OCD and anxiety was tied into BPD and shaped the way in which they dealt with that. 

It’s one thing to blame trauma when you’re first starting out addressing your mental health, but when you’re years down the road and further away from the trauma, ideally it should be less of an excuse for staying who you are. 

I’ve realized that while they are trying to deal with their other mental health issues, any struggle there is worsened by their BPD traits.  They will blame you for what is going on.  They’ll get mad if you don’t deal with their issues in the way they think you should or don’t give the proper support (in their eyes) at the right time.   If they keep cycling through the same traumas and you get frustrated or point out  the pattern they’re stuck in, they’ll get mad. 

My PWBPD remembers things with absolute clarity that never happened.  They listen to others not to hear, but waiting for triggers.  If you don’t trip landmines, you might be okay.   If you do, then any help you’re trying to give will be ignored and it will come back to you.   

It’s not really a fair situation.  You can’t expect a fair fight, a fair analysis of their own struggles, a fair analysis of your attempts to be there for them.   

I suspect that if all my PWBPD had in their life was a potted plant, the potted plant would be the one to blame for their struggles.   

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve also been at the teaching end of the name calling and volcanic rage. And strangely, among all the emotions, there is the grief of loss too. And you have the loss of both sisters. So glad you are in therapy and using this board. The emotions are deep and those two things really do help.

Well it's wonderful that your son has a dad like you.  Surely he sees in you somebody who went out and made life happen.  You can hope your son will take after you that way.

One thing you might try to nurture in your son is a growth mindset, instead of a "scarcity" mindset that your wife harbors.  I can't help but think of a quote in Little Miss Sunshine:  "You know what a loser is?  A loser is somebody who's so afraid of not winning they don't even try."  So for me, the outcome is less important than the consistent effort.  Adulthood is about taking responsibility for your life and making things happen, which requires effort, day after day, week after week.  The great part is, you have complete control over your effort, unlike many other things in life.  If you think about potentially "scary" situations, maybe you work out, what's the worst that could happen?  Getting fired?  So what.  If you get fired, you reflect, try to learn from it, move on and start looking for another job.  Chances are you might get an even better one.  Fail a test?  So what.  You study harder, get some tutoring, retake the test, or maybe redouble efforts on subjects that are more suited to your interests and abilities.  Like Churchill supposedly stated, "Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."  Failure is an excellent teacher.  Not only that, but it signals you're shooting high.  Since you're a successful guy, I'm sure you get what I mean here.  I think most successful people are exactly where they are because they don't let little setbacks derail them, and instead learn from them.  That would include a difficult childhood or growing up with a disordered family member.

My guess is your son will be more like you, because it's way more fun to have an optimistic, growth-oriented mindset.  With whom would you rather hang out:  Tigger or Eeyore?  I think most people, including your son, would pick Tigger.

As for BPD, that's why I think the worst part about it is the victim mindset.  Blaming other people all the time and feeling victimized at every turn basically renders a pwBPD powerless.  I think of it as a sort of learned helplessness.  How awful it would be to feel powerless, insecure, incapable in everything important in life, blaming others, feeling dependent and needy, feeling aggrieved all the time, giving up before trying.  What a drag.

If your son has the courage and self drive to move far away, it means your job of raising him without constraints was successful. From the parent perspective, this is difficult. I've been through that too.

However, I will affirm that your role as a father will still be important. Maybe not in the short run. Sometimes young people will push parents to the side when they differentiate from them, but - as they mature, they don't need to do this as much.

Also, your son may have a different relationship with each parent. In adulthood, it becomes more of an equal one between both people and depends on each person's ability to have a relationship. My mother's ability was limited by her BPD. For my father, we had more of a bond, however, I also realize that his ability also was influenced by his marriage and my BPD mother's needs but in general it was more like a normal one.

At 16, I wanted to get away from the situation at home and college was the way to do that but that didn't mean I didn't want or need contact with my parents. Your relationship with your son will change and he won't need you in the same way but he will still need you as his father and you will still have opportunities to build on the relationship you have now. Few kids are financially independent or fully emotionally mature at 18. Your support, including emotional support, is important.

Hi again,

I think you're generally on point with your concern about your daughter seeming stuck, as opposed to moving forward and working on herself.  I empathise with your concern about whether or not therapy is helping your daughter, because it's expensive as well as time-consuming.  In my own situation, there were times that I felt like therapy became my BPD stepdaughter's "occupation," as well as an excuse for not really doing other things in her life.

I'll share with you my own mindset concerning my BPD stepdaughter.  While my husband was mostly focused on her mood (i.e. wanting her to be happy), I was mostly focused on her actions.  I could tolerate all sorts of negativity, sulkiness and disengagement from family, as long as my stepdaughter was generally doing what she was supposed to be doing.  Was she going to her therapy sessions?  Was she working on her classes?  Was she earning some money?  If she was unemployed, was she working hard to find a job?  If she got fired, did she look for a new job?  If she couldn't find a job, was she at least volunteering?  Did she pick up after herself in the common areas of the home?  Was she eating reasonably well?  Was she getting some exercise?  Did she shower and get dressed daily?  Did she go to bed at night?  Was she spending time with friends from time to time?  Did she resist the urge to lash out and send mean texts?  Did she find time for hobbies (not including passive consumption of social media and TV)?  In other words, in spite of her sour mood, did she follow a "normal," age-appropriate daily routine?  I guess that this approach hinges on my belief that you are what you do every day.  Since my BPD stepdaughter seemed to struggle so much with her identity, my hope was that after a few months of following a healthy routine, she'd come to realize who she was (for example, an attractive, athletic college graduate working towards a career in XYZ, starting out with volunteer work in an adjacent area, who loves caring for pets, spending time at the spin studio, and painting in her free time).  In other words, something other than her ongoing narrative:  an angry, entitled, victimized girl with a terrible childhood whose family mistreats her and who has given up on herself because she's too overwhelmed by adult life.

As an aside, my stepdaughter would struggle with handling stress, which tends to increase in early adulthood.  I emphasized to her that keeping a regular sleep and mealtime schedule helps reduce physical stress, by resting and nourishing the body.  The same goes for regular exercise.  Spending a few minutes every day to tidy one's living quarters will help make the environment pleasant, setting her up for success.  Thus keeping a schedule can help "automate" daily living, reducing stress and the mental bandwidth spent on routine tasks, freeing it up for other things.  In fact, whenever stress feels overwhelming, the more important it is to focus on healthy habits.  It's not "stupid" or "boring" to have a healthy routine; it's part of the scaffolding that supports you to achieve what you want in life.

I guess my point is, it's less about knowing the actual content or goals of your daughter's therapy, and more about taking ACTION and building momentum towards carving out an independent adult life.  I think that starts at home.  The rules of my home would be, adult children are welcome any time, provided that they are drug-free, respectful and take care of the home environment (clean up after themselves), while they are working full-time on themselves, through some combination of study, work and/or volunteering.  In addition, I think they should be responsible for paying for all their own luxuries (phone, travel, etc.)--it's their choice entirely.  In other words, they aren't allowed to give up on themselves and on life in general.  If they insist that they are adults, they can choose to do whatever they want whenever they want, well that's absolutely true, and they are free to leave, you wish them all the best.  But for as long as you're providing free room and board, they are not allowed to be on vacation, to freeload and sit on the sidelines of adult life, because that's not the "real" world.

How do you enforce these rules?  It can be difficult sometimes.  Typically my stepdaughter would start out OK, but then she'd regress--sleeping in late, taking long afternoon naps, prioritizing fun travels over looking for work, etc.  I didn't want to police or regiment her days, or have to inquire about daily status reports, but it was clear to me she wasn't working hard on getting her life on track.  I might suggest to disable wifi at night, to prevent all-night streaming.  If she's sleeping the days away and not working on herself, then you have to ask her to leave.

I have a few ideas on finances, but I get the sense you're on the right track there.  It's true that emerging adults might benefit from financial support--but there's a fine line between support and enablement of dysfunction.  I think that the principle of "skin in the game" is an important one, especially as your daughter matures.  If your daughter wants therapy, then maybe you start out paying for 100%, but then you ratchet that down over time, to maybe 50% (or a set amount per month) and then lower.  Let your daughter take the lead on working out the details--maybe she reduces the frequency of therapy sessions; maybe she asks her therapist for a lower rate; maybe she finds a cheaper therapist, or one that's covered in her insurance plan.  She has to learn to work within budgetary constraints, because that's the "real world."  If she has skin in the game, she's much more likely to appreciate your support, as well as work out a solution.  But if you're paying for everything, she'll just hold out her hand for more money, while resenting you for not giving her enough.

I should clarify, as I believe I communicated badly. I didn't mean that you were being childish in letting the dishes accumulate.  I completely get not wanting to do somebody else's work for them.  What I was really trying to say is that, infuriating as it may be, a pwbpd is not likely to "give in" despite the growing mess.  So your options are what they are.  One of them includes letting the mess grow.  They do not include your husband suddenly seeing reason.  It stinks, I know.

To clarify... I don't mean "engage" in the sense of have contact, but engage in the sense of trying to change her perspective or behavior.

  Very true -- thank goodness for that.

CC43, your words really resonate and are wise.  In fact, I think I might print them out (without your handle attached) and carry them around in my purse to pull out when I am tempted to argue, cajole, or in any way engage!

Best regards.

Thanks so much!
I am doing mostly what both of you suggested.
Since he was 13 Ilwe began to talk in private about his moms “weird brain wiring”, not mentioning any medical terms which would compell him to google it.
I think he will be ok. The worst part for me is that I think he will
be motivated to move away from us much sooner than I would want him to. Also I find it heart breaking that I wont be able to be the parent figure I wanted to be as a father.
But I guess thats life. Like in a joke, how can you male God laugh? Just tell hom your plans.

One of the main concepts taught to people in therapy, 12 steps, basically anyone in an enabler position, or in a relationship with a disordered person (I am including this as many posters don't identify with the concept of co-dependency but are still in a relationship with someone with BPD) is this: we can not change another person and we need to not expect people to be different from who they are.

Many people, even non disordered people, don't respond well to criticism. It's invalidating. For someone with BPD, it's extremely invalidating, and can even cause them to dissociate. It's not going to work and its not going to help the situation.

It seems your wife has made improvement and also seems to be capable of parenting- not in all the ways you want her to be or wish she would be, but she probably can not change her inner "wiring" and how she perceives the world. Being critical of this is similar to being critical of her eye color, or height. It's a part of who she is. It may possibly be improved on but that could take a lot of intense therapy and she would need to be highly motivated to do so. At 16, it's more likely your son would reach adulthood and be out of the house sooner.

Children learn from both parents and they learn a lot from what you do, in addition to what you say. Your son has both of you as role models. IMHO the best intervention to expose your son to your outlook is to spend as much time as you can with him, doing the things that you enjoy. Introduce him to your career, (not with the pressure to enter the same one) but your enjoyment, pursuit, dedication to it, your hobbies, interests.

My parents were different people and I learned from each of them. As difficult as it is to hear or lean as a teen that a father can't or won't do anything about a BPD mother, in my situation, I think it was true. He couldn't and other people couldn't either. What mediated this for me was time with my father and also his family members who were mothers and who were different from mine. I also agree with Zachira's suggestion for counseling for your son if he's willing. When he ventures out into the world as a young adult- you are still his father. He will be influenced by both parents.