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From your descriptions of the situation, it sounds like he was thoroughly beaten down by her emotionally and verbally. I think as men we're told that women are the "fairer sex" and we need to protect them, cherish them, etc. and in return they're there for us. It can be quite jarring to discover you've got one that's not what was "advertised," and is instead intensely manipulative and focused entirely on her own needs at your (and everyone else in the family's) detriment. and perhaps the more troubling part, how willing she is to escalate the behavior - up to and including public scenes, false allegations, etc. I could see a lot of guys just shut down at that point, and think "I'm out of ideas here." If divorce is not an option for them, for whatever reason, there's really no other choice, unless one is also willing to drop your own standards and fight fire with fire (and that's hard to do if you've been "raised right" and have a sense of shame!).
Some family members later confided in me (after I divorced) that they felt like divorce was the only option for me, after seeing BPDxw's behavior, and wanted me to get out, but didn't say anything because they didn't want to live with the idea that they caused me to get divorced. I would not have blamed them though, I would've appreciated them giving me an extra nudge.
right. throwing something in a bottomless pit doesn't fill the bottomless pit.
This is what it appeared to happen with my father.
I think anyone in his situation would have felt like that. When BPD mother wanted something, she would escalate until it was impossible to resist. Rather than to go through that, it seemed better in the short run to just give in, and he did.
If appeasement improved the relationship, I would be all for it, but it didn't improve the relationship or my mother's BPD, and it took an emotional toll on my father, even if it did sometimes bring a brief momentary reprieve in her emotional distress. From what I have seen, I don't think appeasement is a solution, although it's a personal choice for each person to make.
To either stay in such a relationship or divorce is a complicated and difficult decision. I don't think anyone on this board considers divorce lightly. It's heavy and seriously thought about. I also think we differ culturally, and religiously over that decision, and it's a very personal choice. Personally, I don't think someone is required to stay in an emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive relationship, or where their own sense of who they are can not co-exist with their partner. I think the posters here who have gone in that direction have done so after considerable effort has been made to avoid it, and did so because they believe it was their only better choice between two difficult ones. I don't blame anyone for choosing that, or for staying.
While you say you would have appreciated family saying something sooner about it and being supportive in that decision, my experience was different. BPD mother threatened divorce frequently. It scared me as a child. By the time we were teens, having seen the dynamics, the issues, and heard her say this- we thought "then just do it already". Truly, if that would have been the issue and she would be happier, then just do it. We all know now that this wasn't the problem, it was her own internal distress being projected, but we didn't then.
By contrast, Dad rarely vented, but when we were older, he'd reach a point where he had had enough and would say something. However, if I said something in agreement, shortly after this, he'd turn on me, angry for suggesting it, and bond with my mother. BPD mother also would flip from raging to that "good" persona. They'd be acting affectionate with each other. It fit Karpman triangle dynamics.
I saw that emotional bottomless pit of hers. It was pitifult. None of us wanted to see her emotionally suffer and we did what we could to help, but the pit was bigger than anyone could fill.