I second everything CC just said.  There's a BPD book titled, "I hate you, don't leave me!" and you can sort of figure out what the book is about just on those six words.  BPDs are master manipulators and want to control everything and everyone around them.  You're getting pulled into this mess....but you're also choosing to stay in it.

If the responsibility is yours alone, place her in an assisted living facility.  If she refuses, walk away.  It's not your burden.

Hi Lyrikal,

I'm glad to see you back here, but also sad about the turn of events.

I know everything seems awful right now, but if you'd like a little perspective from where I'm sitting, here goes.  First, you can take the bar again if you want to.  You can find another job.  My guess is that you are capable; it's just that the situation with your mom has been distracting you.

Why don't you listen to the surgeon, who told you it's not right for you to be a primary caregiver?  Yet you are convincing yourself that YOU have to fix your mom's situation, because you will be charged with neglect if you leave!  I think the track record says the opposite:  that you tried everything in your power to get your mom help, but she refuses it over and over again.  Since she's viewed as mentally competent, then she is responsible for herself.  She makes the decisions, and yet you face the consequences?  No, if she makes the decisions, SHE needs to face the consequences.  She is responsible for her, you are responsible for you.  I'm thinking, maybe the only way your mom will ever get help is if you get out of the way.  Then she can dial emergency services if she needs them.  But for as long as she guilts you into caretaking, then she's avoiding getting the help she needs, while she's sabotaging your life.  I'd say, she's free to ruin her life, but she's not free to ruin yours in the process.

It sounds to me like you need a break, big-time.  Since you mentioned your cousin, is there any possibility you could stay with her for a little bit, and get some needed rest before you plan your next move?

I'd also suggest that whatever next step you take, it's for YOU.  You're no good to your mom if you're operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, a complete basket case, financially destroyed, with no livelihood, no friends, no confidence.  You don't deserve that!  If your mom were of a right mind, she wouldn't want that for you either.

Anyway, clearly your mom can state her case with emergency services; it's not like she's mute.  Chances are that if she called emergency services, she'd go to a hospital, and then the hospital would treat her.  If the hospital determined that it wasn't safe to discharge her because she didn't have appropriate home care, then the hospital would have to work with social services to arrange it somehow.  But if you step in and say you'll take care of her, then she'll be discharged.  So don't step in if you want her to get professional help.  Besides, you're not a professional caretaker, and it sounds like she needs one.

Hang in there, you've got this.

CC43- the "it looks sort of like BPD but not BPD" is that this kind of behavior- when a grown adult switches to acting like a child, isn't only with BPD. It can happen with other childhood trauma, emotional deprivation. Being home to cook his dinner might feel like security to him.

It's crazy making because he's a grown man who can heat up a lasagna you made for him. That you called if you are running late is something a grown man can handle. And pointing this out to him doesn't work, because it's not rational. It's emotional and in that moment, his security has felt shaken up and emotionally in the moment, he's not being rational.

This isn't your problem to fix, and it seems he isn't inclined to take on the therapy to do so. On your part, if you modify your schedule to avoid his triggers- that is caretaking his emotions. However, you also can choose to preserve your sanity sometimes by coming home and making the dinner, after all you need to eat too and if you don't want to deal with a meltdown after a long day at work. Being aware that you are making the choice keeps you in a different mind set. You are doing the right thing by being aware that what he says during these episodes is more like a child tantrum- calling you a poo poo- and not a definition of you.

Childhood traumas, emotional deprivation- these aren't genetic but are passed down generations in families due to the dynamics that seem familiar to them. BPD has a genetic component- and so there's each person's particular vulnerabilty that plays into how this affects family members. That his daughter has BPD suggests he might too, but I think in time we will see a lot of overlap between the PD's and family dynamics.

I can see patterns in my BPD mother's family. She's the only one in her immediate family who has BPD. The other's are highly functional but I can sense some odd dynamics going on- I can't name them, but speaking to her family can feel invalidating. They aren't bad people, in fact they are competent and kind people. However, a vulnerable person growing up with invalidation might flip the direction to BPD.

It is exhausting to deal with the behaviors, and understandable that you wish your H would change but this reflexive behavior may be how he is and unless he was willing to undergo therapy- it's not likely to change. On your part, letting him deal with his feelings rather than managing them (when you feel you want to handle the reaction) is handing it back to him. That he apologizes the next day is a plus, he has some awareness, but probably not in the moment.

She won, and the mechanisms in place that exist to protect people from abuse failed me.

As an update, I tried to get APS involved and a psych evaluation ordered via the police. APS and other state agencies told me that the way the law was written, she can only get help unless she is alone. However, if I leave her alone, I will certainly be charged with neglect. The police even canceled the EMS call I requested because she told them I called because I was upset about a bill she asked me to pay. Then convinced the police that I have a psychological issue and began calling people telling them I was having a psychotic episode and was afraid for my safety.

This ended with me flashing my badge (I am an Assistant District Attorney) at the cops and accusing them of gross misconduct. The shift commander told me that unfortunately, caring for my mom is a personal choice and I need to make some decisions. The same decision that would land me in jail and ruin my career .

I was just let go from my job because I could not pass the bar. I also lost my home. All while I dealt with her intentionally doing harmful things to me because she cannot regulate her emotions about her condition. I took her to a surgeon, who told her she cannot be helped before having extensive physical therapy and that making me her primary caregiver is wrong. She took that as “he doesn’t want to help me, and you stopped me from getting care, and caused my downfall”. I also according to her “failed the bar because I’m ________ing lazy and don’t take life seriously.”

I am wake often until 5 am or later dealing with a mixture of caregiving or a BPD episode. I am exhausted. Local officials will not intervene unless I either commit a crime or my health finally gives out on me.

I cannot believe it. I’m in substantial debt, and no one will actually help me because the law says they cannot AND because they refuse to submit her for a psychological evaluation.

What’s also insane is that I got a chance to speak with my cousin (my mother’s brother’s daughter) and she told me that my experiences mirror her own and that he acts exactly like her.

I was failed by everyone. I was doomed from the start, and I had zero clue until it was too late.

I legitimately cannot believe it. She actually won. I am not perfect, but I did everything I was supposed to do.

Hi Naild,
You are in the right place!  I recently joined as well with the same story.  Adult daughter, family that has backed up because the drama is just non-stop.  I have guilt also- for feeling angry at my daughter for what she has said and done towards me.  I have guilt also for stepping back and resting during this break.  (I have done something, and she refuses to tell me what it is).
There is safety here.  And there are lots of folks who can confirm that you are not the problem they think you are… I hope you can find some peace in knowing you are not the only one.  It is sad but true…. We are so many going through the same thing.  Take care of you the best you can

Thank you forever dad. No the woman in question is not in therapy. I have tried a few times to diplomatically suggest it …gee that was a bad move. Said I’d pay as this can’t be normal behaviour.  She Accused me of saying she was sick and ill  and there was something wrong with her and how could I do that and then how much she hated me. Then about controlling her and taking away her sense of self by making such suggestions. So much so she considered suicide apparently. Then I tried to be smart and suggested the patterns and volatility and asked if they are normal and then got yelled at again because those suggestions implied she wasn’t normal. Then goes on to say she hasn’t had these issues she has with me with anyone else. So it must be me as the problem.

My undiagnosed BPD husband of only 2.5 years moved out this morning after I initiated a separation about a month ago.

I have been hurt before in relationships and I truly trusted this man with everything. I was very careful at the start, constantly looking for signs of emotional availability and the ability to repair. He showed me he had this and could repair after we had conflict. Of course I now realise this was the idealisation phase.

Anyway, I'm utterly heartbroken. He left at 5am this morning for work without a goodbye. Yesterday I asked 'what do you want to do about contact between us?' His reply, 'I'm going to be really busy over the next few days but you can message if you want.' ouch!! I just said 'I'll leave you to it then.'

I know logically that I need to disconnect from this man who I thought I could have a healthy marriage with but emotionally I feel there is still a part of me holding on. I want him to care. I want him to hurt. I want him to wake the f@*k up and do the work on himself that he needs to do. I know the chances of that are slim though.

Please share some words of wisdom, guidance, support, comfort. Anything to get me through this. I have great friends but they won't fully understand being in a relationship with BPD.

Hi everyone,
I am joining this group because I am completely drained and feeling incredibly isolated. I am 69 years old, a widow, and living in Spain. For the past 15 years, I have been riding the unpredictable rollercoaster of my 37 daughter's suspected BPD.
I am completely exhausted by the constant moods, the endless dramas, the ups and downs, and being the dumping ground for everything negative in her life, asking for money. Mostly, I hold my tongue to keep the peace, but the emotional labor is becoming too much to bear at this stage in my life.
We just had another blowout over something as simple as me mentioning she left her car headlights on. She completely twisted it into a massive criticism, accused me of calling her a "nasty person" in the past (which I have never, ever done).  I have hit the wall.
I have a therapist and friends, but my friends don't have children and don't understand how agonizingly difficult it is to set boundaries with your own kid. To make matters harder, her brother has hit his own wall of exhaustion and completely refuses to hear anything about her anymore, leaving the entire emotional burden on me. Her father (my ex husband) has little or no contact with her.
I am heartbroken, angry, and so tired of walking on eggshells. I am hoping to connect with other parents who understand the crushing guilt of trying to step back, and how lonely it feels when your family shuts down around the issue.

I still do it because, well, I'm socially reserved; I don't go up and chat with strangers, or meet new people as a general habit.  And on top of that, I work from home, live in an area where I have no family or established connections prior to adulthood in.  and I don't go to church, or otherwise really engage with the public (except at my local bar).  Not easy to meet people. 

But yeah, as much as it pains me to say this - since I'm included in this demographic - chances are higher that anyone still single in America after their early 30's is that way because they are not easy to get along with. 

I think about it this way: looking at various studies (the CDC, Johns Hopkins, etc.) it's estimated that between 10-20% of American adults have some sort of mental problems... if not a Cluster-B disorder, then depression, manic depression, or something else like that.  You figure as time goes on, more and more of those that do not have mental problems pair off, get happily married, and leave the dating pool.  so over time the percentage of people in the dating pool with a mental disorder exceeds 10-20%

oh yes, this. When my wife left three years ago to run off with her drug dealer she told him, and her friends, that I’d slept with her sister. When I got wind of it over two years ago I messaged my SIL  warning her, and told her my ex had singled out me, her and my ex’s business partner as people she held a grudge against, which is ironic considering we are or were the three people that she knew she could trust and had her back.

I upset my ex last week, so she then contacted her business partner and somehow manipulated her into messaging her sister and accuse her of having an affair with me, leaving her to explain things to her husband. True to her word she has carried through with that grudge to create drama between the three of us. I have never slept with my sister in law by the way!

I just hope now she has done this her sister realises I wasn’t making things up, that she has been lied about and used to create drama so my ex appears to be the victim and she has held a grudge against the three of us just as I told her she had.