Hi PainLovePain,

I respect CC43's opinion, but I'm not sure if it's the most effective one. I think it would be nearly impossible for her to seek treatment without having any minimal hope of a good future. And a good future must include good human connections with people who care for them. It's hard to invest energy in getting better when no one around shows that they care about your change and when you feel "defected" and worthless. Humans work in collaboration. We need to know that someone that's meaningful for us will appreciate our accomplishments.

On the other hand, I see that digital communication could very well go bad. Eventually, she would dysregulate, if not immediately. And you are new to the tools, so you might make a mistake that makes things worse. Anything invalidating, such as "I don't care," can really trigger her at this moment. And I bet you'll hear her repeat what you said over and over about it "not being your problem," even if your actions keep telling the contrary. She will keep telling you that you don't love her and that you are evil and unscrupulous, and you might not be ready to ignore that without trying to counteract it.

Therefore, I think the ideal solution is to have an intermediary person that will talk to both of you and make sure the conversation does not go the wrong way. This person would filter out irrelevant stuff and communicate only what is essential. Maybe it could be a lawyer or a bridge between the two lawyers from both of you. Maybe it could be a counselor in online weekly meetings.

Another idea is to use AI to be the intermediary entity. I didn't find an app for spouses under a restraining order, but there are apps for similar situations. For instance, there are many options for divorced parents who need a safe and tracked way to communicate with each other about their kids under AI moderation. Examples:

• OurFamilyWizard: It provides structured, recorded messaging and includes an AI “ToneMeter” that rewrites messages to keep them neutral and non-provocative. All communication is logged and can be reviewed by courts or professionals.
• AppClose: Secure, encrypted communication with permanent records and optional access for attorneys, mediators, or other third parties who can observe the exchanges.
• TalkingParents: Messaging, calling, and file sharing with tamper-proof records admissible in court; reduces direct contact and “he-said-she-said” disputes.
• BestInterest: AI filters incoming messages, blocks hostile language, and coaches responses to reduce escalation in high-conflict dynamics.
• Custody Companion (Apple): Uses AI to draft diplomatic messages and analyze communication patterns to keep interactions professional.

There is also an app that helps to mediate conflict:

• TheMediator.AI : Each person communicates privately with the system, and the AI summarizes positions, identifies common ground, and proposes a resolution. The parties do not directly see each other’s raw messages.

And this other app that just tries to suggest better responses before each part submits them.

• Relationship Ref – AI Mediator (App Store) : This one analyzes conversations and suggests de-escalating responses in real time, acting as a “third party in your pocket.” It still involves direct communication, but with AI filtering and guidance to reduce escalation.

Thanks for giving me this insight. I might try one of those with my BPD wife and with my BPD ex-wife. Note that we must deeply explore the app before even proposing it.

Thank you as ever for your steadiness and support Mutt.

I am making progress stepping out of the spin. So far, I have been dealing with the reality destabilisations/ nonsense accusations through a process of 1. deep anxiety/ fear, 2. panic/ discuss with other people, 3. write out the facts/ look over evidence to ascertain that the accusation isn't true, 4. process of alternating fear/ reassurance until the 'wave' dies down.

The next goal is to compress the process so the 'waves' die down sooner. ideally, I will simply not react if X presents a reality distortion - just solve the practical issue at hand and get on with life.

Realistically, I will still feel fear and pain when in contact with X, so will need to have a quick ritual/ plan for what I do when this happens - breathe, eat something, call a friend, etc.

I read your other post on finding something to structure your days and self outside of a relationship. I'm quite solitary and self-directed, but a lot of my life has revolved around X and some shared hobbies, so that is also a process I'm going through.

Hi,

I have a 22-year-old daughter with BPD. I only just learned of her diagnosis because even though her mother knew I don't know how long ago, she never shared this information with me. In one of my daughter's text outbursts at me yesterday she let on that she's been diagnosed with this. She is loving one minute where she spent all of Christmas to New Year's with me and was great and loving to this past 2 weeks calling and screaming and having complete meltdowns. I didn't know that she had been diagnosed with BPD or else I would have acted differently.

Any and all suggestions for in-person support groups in NYC would be very appreciated.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.  My 30yr old daughter wBPD cut me off a few weeks ago.  As well as my middle daughter 28 yrs old undiagnosed but I'm afraid she has NPD.  It has been so painful and the emotional toll has affected my health.  I sent both girls a short message saying I love you hope all is well and the middle child sent me a long message basically pathologizing me telling me I need help and if I don't apologize she will not speak to me.  I tried to repair with my oldest with BPD and that was the agreed upon goal but it didn't go well because she didn't hear what she wanted to hear and raged at me and I hung up the phone.  The sad part is She told my husband she is pregnant and that was something she knows I was looking forward to bein a part of.  She is intentionally trying to hurt me because she feels that I don't care about her.  In December my husband got ill and I had reached out to the girls for help and the oldest wBPD told me I frustrated her with my request and even though I said it was fine if she couldn't she wasn't able to get over it and it escalated to emotional abuse.  The middle one was even worse and called me horrific names because I shared my feelings with her about being so tired and stressed for caring for her dad and she ran with it and out came the verbal abuse.  I set a boundary for the first time and told them I would not tolerate the abuse and they are adults now and I deserve to be treated with basic respect.  I canceled hosting Christmas but did offer for them to drop by for a visit if they wanted to see their dad and if they were respectful but they said no.  Now I am being blamed because my boundary was perceived as a punishment and I am expected to apologize for upsetting them but there is no acknowledgement of the harm they caused, which is why I had to set the boundary in the first place to begin with. It's insane and hard to understand this behaviour.  I'm not sure I even want to get to know my grandchildren because I think that would break me completely. All I can say is you are not alone in this and it's not anything you can control or fix.  Keep talking to people and reaching out for support because it does help.  I wish they had a live chat room on this site.  Sometimes the pain can feel unbearable and it would be nice to be able to connect on the spot.  Take care of yourself and pray.

  I made my 1St post earlier and got replies on my phone email. Is there a way to get replies on the site on my computer? I also can't figure out how to do another post? I'm missing something!

That’s a really good question.

I didn’t see it clearly while I was in the relationship. It was more after it ended that it hit me. When it was over, there was this sudden emptiness. As destabilizing as it had been, it was still something I was oriented around. Losing that felt bigger than I expected.

The drifting part, for me, looked like not really having a strong internal path unless I was building it around someone else.

Building stability didn’t happen in some big breakthrough way. It was pretty ordinary. Finding this forum was a big part of it. Reading, listening, talking with people here gave me language for things I hadn’t been able to name.

Boundaries especially. Learning about boundaries made me realize they’re really about values. What’s actually non-negotiable for me? What feels aligned and what doesn’t? I started paying attention to my own reactions - even my nervous system. Sometimes it was already telling me something wasn’t right, and I had been overriding it. Learning to listen to that instead of dismissing it was a shift.

In my previous relationship, boundaries were hard. They didn’t land well. So when I got clearer on my own values, I could see where I had been bending too far. Not in a blaming way - just honestly. That clarity started to feel like a different kind of anchor.

I also started challenging myself more. Just asking, “What do I actually want?” and “What would I choose if I wasn’t reacting to someone else?” That was new for me.

Routines helped. My kids gave me structure, which honestly was a gift. I started making plans based on my life instead of around a relationship.

I wasn’t afraid of quiet. I’d been living with depression for years, so being internal and in my own head was familiar. What I think I was hoping for was regulation - that being with someone would lighten that internal weight. Over time I had to accept that it doesn’t really work that way.

I’m still figuring it out. But I feel steadier now. Less like I need a relationship to give me direction, and more like I bring direction into one.

Ahhh yeah wow, I feel this completely. In part it makes sense to me that relationships would add excitement and direction to life - we're human and we're meant to make meaning with one another, yes? But I really relate to your observation of drifting. Could you share more about how you noticed this about yourself and then built up a personal sense of stability/momentum outside of a romantic relationship? Regardless, thank you.

Ellibear,

I’m really sorry. Being cut off from your grandchild like that is heartbreaking. There’s no way around how much that hurts.

When things blow up like this, especially between a parent and adult child, the words can be very absolute. “Never contact me again” often comes out of intense emotion and impulsiveness in the moment. That doesn’t mean it won’t shift later. But right now, the pain is real.

If she’s responding with abusive emails and blocking you, it may mean the situation is still very hot. Reaching harder usually just adds fuel. Sometimes the steadier move is a short, calm message and then space. Something simple like:
“I love you. I’m here when you’re ready. I love him and hope to see him when things settle.”

No defending. No arguing. Just steady.

In the meantime, take care of your own heart. This kind of cutoff shakes you. You deserve support while you’re carrying it.

You’re not alone in this.

Hello and welcome to the family!  You are certainly not alone and many of us here are grandparents.  I went through this a few years ago with my non-BPD daughter (over an argument/separation with her BPD mom).  It was devastating and the only thing that got me through it was remembering that it was only for now, not for forever.

Your daughter is sick and currently, she's unstable.  Now is not the time to argue over visitations because the more you push, the more vindicated she feels that you're the source of her problems.  That's not true, of course, the source is mental illness. 

It's almost impossible to fix things when she's in that mindset because she's feeling like the victim.  So anything you say or do is run through the lens of, "I'm so hurt and she's blaming me for things...this proves how little she cares!"  It's the trap all of us end up facing and we unintentionally get it so wrong.

I'll repeat- this is for right now, it's not for forever.  Take some time to heal yourself and while you wait out this storm.  There are fantastic resources here on how to properly communicate with a BPD child and it's helped me turn around the relationships with multiple BPDs in my life.

I hope that helps and please continue to ask questions, vent, or whatever you need to get through these next few days/weeks.  You'll find sympathy and compassion here because so many of us can directly relate.

The part about depression and having someone around making life more bearable really stayed with me.

For me it wasn’t only about loneliness. Being in a relationship gave my life a kind of structure. It felt like something to move toward. Before that, I sometimes felt like I was drifting a bit.

That relief was real. It filled something that felt empty at the time.

Looking back, I can see that I probably needed to build more of that stability inside myself. If I’d done more self-work earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have leaned so hard on the relationship to provide it. At the same time, that relationship is what eventually forced me to look at those gaps. I don’t think I would have done the work otherwise.

So I don’t see it as weakness. I see it as part of how I learned.