Thanks CC, I really appreciate your support and encouragement
It's true what you said, I'm more invested than he is. I feel relief at the thought of pulling back financially and prodding him to get help. 

Hi Mom,

Here's what I see in your post.  The therapy program wasn't your son's idea, it was your therapist's.  You're the one who wants your son to do the DBT program, not him.  I would perhaps consider helping him out if he proposed the program, had applied for it and been accepted, had tried to pay, had showed some effort (e.g. by attending all scheduled sessions for a time)--and even then I probably wouldn't pay for all of the program, only a part of it, PROVIDED THAT he paid a meaningful amount himself, and only if I had the money to spare.  This is what I mean when I wrote, HE has to be the one to make things happen, not you.  Otherwise, my humble opinion is that he's not "ready" for the therapy, because you're the driver, not him.  I think there would be a better chance of success if he tried the program offered by his own insurance plan.

I know you're desperate, and only a parent would potentially put their financial life on the line to help their kids.  But I'm thinking of you here.  You need to take care of yourself now, and your son needs to be responsible for himself.  It doesn't mean you're the sick one; I think it just means you're operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.

You shouldn't have to feel you broke any promises here.  You could say, you did the math and changed your mind, because you can't afford it.  You're retired and have a fixed income, you don't have the money to spare.  But your son is working, he has insurance, he can get the help he needs.  All he has to do is choose to do that.  I think your job is mainly to provide moral support and be a calm, happy cheerleader.  I don't think you can do that if you raid your nest egg and put your retirement at risk.

Look, my husband delayed retirement for two years to "help" his BPD daughter.  Basically, he kept working so that she didn't have to.  He paid for numerous therapy sessions and programs that she skipped or quit early, and let me tell you, they were not cheap.  I think that is extremely mixed up.  But he was desperate.  Believe me, I get where you're coming from.  I really think your son would find a therapy program for himself if he wanted it.

I've been thinking a lot about my enabling and about my already using a big chunk of my retirement savings in doing that. Actually, I think I was feeling pretty self righteous if that's the correct term in caring more about my son than my savings. That makes me sad. It takes two to do this dance. Anyway, I'm going to be transparent. Several weeks ago  I told my son that I'd pay for his dbt therapy. I was told by my therapist  that there is a gold standard of dbt therapy in our area and I offered to pay for it. His insurance won't cover and it would use up 1/3 of my remaining savings for a year's worth of sessions.  I once again was willing to sacrifice until it hurt for him to be ok. Now, I'm starting to waffle after looking at my actions and "my" desire (or need) for him to be ok.  My question right now is, who is the sick one here? To top it off , he has Kaiser insurance and they do have dbt. It would give him the basics. The thing is he refuses to go there. I believe he didn't like the "group" experience he had 15yrs ago when his then wife pushed him to go. He told me you don't get the same therapist each time with Kaiser. I'm thinking IF he really wanted help he'd push past his opinion and give it a try.
He suggested Telahelp. He researched cost and it's 1/4 of the cost of "gold standard"  - yet, Idk if they are skilled in dbt.
Do any of you get yourself in over your head trying to "help"?

Hi there,

Based on your post, I think your partner is stressed out.  It may be that he's stressed by the idea of moving--because change is hard, especially for pwBPD.

Many people (not just pwBPD) have a tendency to value their own contributions, while they discount what others do.  I've seen this over and over again.  I just think that with BPD, this tendency is super-sized.  But if you were to present your partner with an accounting of all you contribute financially and through labor, my guess is that he would probably explode.  Why?  Because he might feel you "upstage" him, while you discount all that he does.  He might feel inadequate.  He might think you're accusing him of not providing enough.  Deep down, my guess is that he's extremely insecure.  To prop himself up, he's creating a narrative that he pays for EVERYTHING.  That's to bolster his confidence, even if it's based on a lie.  Perversely, he might be trying to put you down, in a misguided way to make himself feel better.  My guess is that he's tremendously insecure and needs some reassurance.

Here's another thing that might be going on.  Is this the first time he's bought a home?  The entire process can be overwhelming, with mortgages, house hunting, offers, inspection, moving, long-term commitments, etc.  Merely investigating the parameters of a mortgage (down payment? fixed or adjustable? 30 years? points? monthly payments? insurance? property taxes? closing costs? pre-approval? underwriting?) can feel confusing, like it's way too much.  Some people feel a lot of anxiety about the process, and they could feel "ashamed" for asking questions.  Maybe he's afraid of looking stupid, in front of you, a mortgage broker or a realtor.  So what does he do?  He lashes out at you.  In fact, he blames YOU for "causing" all this stress.  His coping mechanism is to blame you for everything:  he doesn't like the house you like.  You're forcing him into something he doesn't want.  Or it's your fault you haven't found something he likes yet.  But he hates the rental.  Bottom line, it's your fault.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, that's classic BPD:  blame-shifting and victim attitude.

How do YOU cope with all of this?  My general advice would be not to make any huge "investments" today, while he makes promises about future contributions, unless you're prepared to lose the investment, because he's liable to change his mind (or refuse to hold up his end of the deal, claiming there never was a deal in the first place).  My humble opinion is that if he wants something, he should have some "skin in the game," right alongside you.  I don't think it would necessarily have to be 50%/50%, but I think it should be meaningful.  Plus, he should make it happen WITH you.  You shouldn't be doing all the legwork, to ensure it's a true partnered endeavor.  If he can't compromise on anything, and all he does is complain, well, that right there might be a valid reason to stop the househunt.

So what I might suggest is that if you rent a place together, you both pay part of the rent.  If you do home improvements, you both pay a share of them.  When you do chores, you split them up.  Ideally you would swap chores every so often, so that you both "see" and "appreciate" the contributions made.  Importantly, if he doesn't have any money for a down payment on a home, my humble opinion is that maybe buying a house isn't in the cards for him right now.  I think people benefit by saving up gradually for a down payment first . . . because it's good practice for the financial sacrifice that comes with home ownership.  My humble opinion is that if he doesn't have any savings for a down payment yet, he's not ready for home ownership.  Moreover, if you take care of the down payment, he's liable to feel emasculated by you.  Then it feels more like "your" house, not his.  I'd say, wait until he can save up a meaningful part of the down payment, and then you pay it, together.

Just my two cents.  Hope that perspective might help a little, even if you disagree.

Notwendy, 
I truly appreciate your advice. Because it's based on your sad but real experience.  Your text helped me to look beyond the immediate issue to where my enabling would lead me. 
It's true, rescuing won't cure bpd.

I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked if I should leave. I didn’t see that it was something I shouldn’t have asked. I’m new to this forum. I love my partner and really just need some tips on dealing with him because I do see the awesome side when he’s emotionally regulated.

Hi, so my partner and I have been together 8 years yesterday and I’ve known he had Bpd since we got together. He told me he was able to manage it. I didn’t know much about bpd and just assumed he was managing it. He’s been off and on pretty verbally abusive for the years but he will be fine for a bit and then if anything stressful happens it’s like a light switch and he will snap and everything is my fault. It usually gets blamed on me not bringing in enough money as I make less than him.

Well we have been back and forth over the years but this year he had cancer and our cat passed away at the same time and he really started to act better. I’ve been planning on leaving him a long time but stayed because our cat was sick and I didn’t want to lose him earlier to the stress of a sudden change like that. He passed in March and I thought now is the time to finally leave, but my partner started acting like a completely different person. He worked on managing his anger and stopped blaming me for everything. He even acknowledged he wouldn’t have survived many things without me.

Well our living situation got worse recently and we now have to look for somewhere to move to. My sister bought a home recently and she makes well under what he does. He’s always wanted to own a home and so have I but I have student loans and I don’t want that to affect home ownership. But I said I would get all the money down, closing etc and pay for all that but he would have to be on the mortgage himself which he is fine with. All the homes we are looking at are cheaper with the mortgage and after stuff than what we pay in rent. Our financial situation has always been him paying rent and utilities and I pay for everything else. Which maybe won’t seem fair but even on our rentals I’ve paid for all repairs as we don’t have maintenance that fixes anything. I’ve fixed tubs, roofs, flooring, paint, if something can go wrong with housing it has and I’ve paid and fixed it. In fact I’m the one who decorates and cleans and takes care of our cats, I take care of the vet bills and appointments. Basically I do everything else as my work is flexible and his isn’t. That was the trade off for me working less and bringing in less money. But every dime I make goes into our family or home.

I tell you this all because today our realtor added another home to go see and he completely flipped on me. Yelling he didn’t want to talk about houses anymore and he’s pissed because he has to handle all the financing for the house and he’s alone. I tried to tell him, and he knows this, I’m the one paying all the money and he’s just taking care of the mortgage after we move in. He was the one who wanted to go house hunting. He even drove by one he loved multiple times so I’m confused.

When I told him we don’t have to look at houses anymore, we don’t even have to buy one if we don’t want to and can stay where we are at even if it’s not great he screamed at me again saying we had no choice. And that he has to do everything alone. This man has done nothing alone. He has to pay rent alone and completely ignores all my financial contributions. I feel unless I paid everything he’d always say this. I genuinely don’t know what to do. He wants to move but won’t talk about the house hunt. And this has been common. When we have to talk about shared responsibilities or life decisions he shuts down, and them I’m left making a choice by myself and if that choice is wrong or goes poorly in the future I get blamed for it. I picked our apartment now because he wouldn’t look with me and it’s had problems and for 3 years I’ve had to hear about it constantly. He will go on and on about how his life is awful yet his best friend got laid off and he’s not stress. Heck his best friend is the one vetting houses with me since he won’t.  He has a good life but it’s not enough for him. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave?

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  I hope we can help you.  I'm so sorry for the developments with your daughter; the parents here can relate.

You ask, what did you do wrong?  The answer is, you didn't do anything wrong.  I repeat:  this is NOT your fault, no matter how much your daughter blames you and tries to convince you otherwise.  In fact, I think you went above and beyond to do the right things:  you got your daughter therapy, you followed her doctor's recommendations.  You provided a safe home, rather than constantly expose your kids to your ex's erratic behavior.  Alas, when the kids grow up, they can typically choose where they want to live.  It's little surprise to me that your daughter is the one with the troubles right now, because I think that kids tend to model themselves after the behavior of the same-sex parent.  Not always, but often.  That's not to say that there's no genetic predisposition to conditions like BPD, but I think there's a combination of nature and nurture, genes and environment.

The situation with your daughter echoes what happened to my BPD stepdaughter.  She is a child of divorced parents, where her dad is the reliable one, and her mom is a high-conflict person.  I don't know her mom very well, but from the little I've seen, I can say that she is chaotic, histrionic, messy, and has no problem lying.  Her dad is a classic "provider" type, operating with a lot of "divorced dad guilt."  But he really did take care of the kids--giving them a nice home, supporting their activities, cooking meals when he had parenting time, doing all the driving--whereas their mom appeared not to pull her weight.  Maybe he didn't tend to his BPD daughter's emotional needs enough when she grew up--I don't really know because I didn't marry him until his kids were college-age.  But I did see how much he did for them, and they could never, ever say he wasn't there for them.  What I know is he worked his tail off to give them a nice life, and he never disparaged their mom in front of them, ever.

I'd invite you to take a look through the parent section of the site.  I bet you'll see some themes that resonate.

My guess is that your daughter will reach out to you again.  My advice?  Your daughter needs calm, reasonable, happy Dad, not guilt-ridden, worried, stressed-out dad.  Your sons need Happy Dad too.  That means, you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Honestly, if your daughter is acting out, has dropped out of school, isn't working and isn't in therapy, then my opinion is she shouldn't be allowed back in your home.  If you are providing for your dear daughter in any way--money, insurance, housing--then please do not allow her to be NEETT.  That's my shorthand for Not in Employment, Education, Training or Therapy.  She's free to choose to be NEETT--she's an adult after all--but not if you are supporting her in any way.  That's because being NEETT isn't the "real world".  If you enable NEETT, then things only get worse.  Trust me on that.

All the best to you.

It's not even about wanting to do that- it would compromise your own retirement and nest egg if you did.

Consider that your son has about 20-25 more "working" years ahead of him. If he spends all his money and gets into trouble- he can financially recover, if he chooses to, even if it's a challenge.

I understand your empathy for anyone with BPD. It's very difficult for the person and I understand wanting to help. What I do know, from seeing my parents, is that money doesn't solve the BPD issues. My father wanted to ease my BPD mother's situation, and yet, she still had BPD. I saw that emotional pain in her-but she had all her material needs met and even more- and that didn't solve her BPD.

Your losing your financial security won't solve your son's BPD either. I hope you will find the stregnth to protect yourself, even if your son reacts in anger.

Zachira - I will investigate MI - thanks for suggesting it

Notwendy - yes lots of trauma and drama in my childhood.  You gave me something new to consider about my Mom. She had it rough with 4 young kids and a mentally ill husband. She did enable, she also fought with his disease and she didn't protect me. I get she need to breathe and function in the middle of ot all.

CC43 - I'm 71 and receive a small social security as I was self employed until I was 40. I don't have a large resource to draw from and honestly I don't want to anymore.  Easier said than done. I do love your reminder to "slow walk". It is also true my son needs me to be calm and strong.- that will help us both.
Also, I'm sorry you're still dealing with the unexpected struggles this illness creates. Your husband finds much strength and clarity from you, I'm sure. I recently had my husband read about what it's like for a person with bpd. In the past he didn't understand  or want to try. Though he's clear and strong that my son is the one who needs to figure out his life on his own, I saw my husband's expression look very pained and saddened when he read it. We love our people, and want the best but have no control.