I really appreciate the reply - and I read your post and that resonates ALOT with me. Thank you so much for sharing that.

I just started sobbing crying when you said you were proud of me. Thank you.

I think it's some trial and error finding what works best. You have seen that keeping the conversation light on your end seems to help. Still, your son's emotions are his- it's possible some calls he's less controlled than others, but you managed your side of things.

It's not possible to know what someone else is thinking but my own explanation was that if BPD mother had difficulty managing her own feelings, then adding mine to the interactions would escalate the situation, so I kept it light on my end.

This did have a "one way" feel to the relationship but - if this was what she could handle, it's that way anyway, if I didn't keep it light. My own goal was to reduce the drama, at least what I could do on my side of it.

It's hard to know what anyone means when they use the term "love" because, feelings are subjective. With BPD, what they feel can be in the moment and feelings can change, but this may be where your son is at- it's what he can do. However, if he asks for something like money, be prepared for him to feel angry in the moment and he may say something different in that moment, keep in mind this is his feelings in the moment, too.

You can love your son in a different manner, love that doesn't waver with his moods. Sometimes love is tough love. That means acting in his best interest, even if he doesn't like it or feel it as "love" in that moment. Love is saying "no" to cookies for dinner, even if your toddler is having a meltdown and telling you that you are a poopy face. It's holding a boundary and not enabling your grown son, even when he's raging at you on the phone. His calm "I love you" moments in between are the high points, they are real to him, so appreciate them when you have them. Stay calm and steady during the meltdowns. It's still a relationship.

Hi needsupport,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Congratulations on finding the strength you needed to leave an abusive relationship (I read a few of your previous posts).

I relate to what you have described very much - the cognitive dissonance of something you experienced which was real, felt real, you were there - there was a person you knew, or thought you knew, there are memories. Juxtaposed with the other memories and pieces of information about this person which show that what you thought was happening, wasn't happening. Or if it was, the person who existed then just doesn't exist now.   

I have had something similar lately. Not exactly the same, but when good things happen in my life - and in particular, one very good and big adventure coming up - I remember how this was an experience and adventure that uBPDx and I planned to share together. Now it's becoming a reality, but just for me. There is a confusing feeling because I am not sure who it actually was who planned to share the adventure - likely it was just mirroring. It's a double ghost - the ghost of the shared plans I thought we were going to enact together, and the ghost of the person who I thought was with me, making the plans. I described it a bit a month ago, here.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062439.0

I want this to pass for you, and I think it will. Based on your previous posts, you've already been through so much and grown so much. You took the right steps for you and your children and this internet stranger is proud of you.

After I posted I started thinking more about about the conversations I have with my son. At first I thought he uses me to feel better. That's the depth of our conversations. A call so I can distract him or a call to calm him or a call to rescue him. Yes, he says he loves me and asks about my well being and my husband's... Maybe that's a good as it can be at least for now. I do get calm interactions which is nice. Maybe it's being grateful for the relationship we do have.

Yes, uBPDx used to get incredibly frustrated at tools, computers and bureaucratic processes. He was adamant that these were harder for him to navigate than other people, not because of his actions or skills, but because of some special property of the tools, computers or universe at large that was persecuting him, specifically. The corollary to that was that he had an expectation I should be perpetually available to assist him, and that i was being 'horrible' if it ever occurred that i did not.

My swubpd has been struggling with something these last 2 weeks or longer. He hasn't shared what it is nor asked for help or advice. My pattern h :cursing:as been to ask him if he's OK- if there's anyway I can help.From there I'm in the middle of whatever is causing the pain. I don't want to be in that place. I do want him to know I'm here for him as support not the fix.
 I don't have the same dynamic with my younger son who lives with him. He and I can discuss whatever w/o tension or him having big reactions. He doesn't have bpd.
Yesterday  I called my swubpd to let him know my FB was hacked so he wouldn't get upset by what was posted.  His response was " I don't care what was on you FB , I'm dealing with so much right now , I don't want to hear about that"  He was holding it together.  Shortly after he text saying I'm sorry about your FB. I love you. I hope you have a good day.     I decided not to try to explain the reason I called, I text back Thanks I hope your day is good and you can get some rest. (I felt that was not caring but I wasn't sure what else to say)
So believe it or not, my son 'just' called. He said he wanted to say Hi and see how I'm doing. I told him and asked how he was doing. He went from calm to amped up. Saying- I am under so much pressure- I never want to talk about how I'm doing. Don't ask me. I called for a break.... I said OK, I won't ask and I started to tell him things in my life - what I was doing ... other trivia. He was calm and responded, asked questions.... Told me he loved me and to have a good evening.   I guess I got my answer to stay at the  surface
Any thoughts????  BTW, I went on an overnight sisters getaway and I let myself have fun and I beat back worry and fear thoughts.
Also I'm reading a great book by Margalis Fjelstad called Stop Caretaking the Border Line or Narcissist.  How to end the drama.

It defiantly isn’t my job. The decision about getting better has to here. My role will be support around paying for it, going to se the specialist and waiting for her. And try to take on board activities she needs to do away from therapy and support her in that. She will have to do the work herself, and I know that’s scary for her. But I’ll be ever so proud of she can do it

 

I'm not sure if anybody else experience is this post break up. I'm having two sets of intrusive memories that are happening about the relationship.

The first set of memories are the run-of-the-mill negative memories that come when I see an object, or a smell, or anything that triggers a memory of something traumatic.

The second set of memories are the positive ones. If I'm being honest, and I don't know if anyone else experienced this at all, these are much more bothersome. When I think about a year ago to a good day or even back to the beginning of the relationship, I get this very haunted feeling. Haunted is the only word I can use to describe it. It's almost ethereal. In some ways, I can say it's the memory of her in those moments, almost like she is a ghost...of course that seems fairly straightforward because in a lot of ways the person she was is a ghost/gone currently.

I think in some other ways, it's the fact that those memories just don't make sense in the grand scheme of things. It's like, there's no way those good times should've happened or could've been genuine with the way things were otherwise. And my brain is just haunted by the lack of sense of it all? In some other ways, it feels like the ghost of her in those good moments is going to haunt my mind forever. I think that's the worst feeling.

I want this to pass so badly.

For now, silence is the best option.  Why?  No matter what you say, she's going to think about it 100 different ways while she's highly diordered.  It won't work in your favor.

You can reply to her messages, you can tell her that you care, and you can be supportive.  Just don't push things right now and let her go through this process.  Maybe she will decide to get help.  Maybe not.  But it's not your job to fix this right now.

I dunno if saying she needs to find legitimate help is going to cause
More problems. I want our family back but she needs to “get better” I’ve offered my full support but is saying this needs to happen going to cause more a divide.

I am hardly messaging her and tying to keep the narrative of please have a thin. I’ve made it clear there’s no rush and maybe take time to let this situation pass. I dunno, but everything I here is silence really is the best option