Yeah it it just bugs that every perceived slight is seen as you purposely attacking them or their character. Things that don't even have to do with them. We had a blowup argument because I parked my vehicle at a slight angle. 'I told you not to park like that! it's too hard to take the dogs out'........I was the one who took the dogs out, not her, and I reminded her of that. Somehow my parking like that against her will showed I don't value her or her opinion. Me reminding her I take the dogs out was me rubbing it in her face that she doesn't do enough. Uh, what? But eventually I gave in and always parked how she saw fit.

Leave a cup on the counter by the fridge....I did that on purpose apparently, to spite her because she was the one who usually did the dishes (load a dishwasher). Then you look at her nightstand and there's 4 cups....

I hated having to apologize for things that didn't happen or were perceived some way. It's like admitting guilt and then they feel vindicated for going crazy. And bring it all up in every fight. She legit had a running log of things I've done bad, screenshotted text message arguments (my replies only of course), audio and video recordings when she finally got me to snap. Luckily the videos were generally me crying hahaha

exactly the behaviour I experienced, word for word I could have written your post, the op’s too.

Any apology from myself would be pointless, I’d just as well headbutt a brick wall repeatedly for all the good apologising for something would do.

I’ve always questioned if she has bpd since finding out about it but posts like every single one in this thread convince me more and more. I’d even started to wonder if it was actually me that has bpd but then I look at my current relationship and it is calm, drama free with not one argument in nearly a year so I can only come to the conclusion it isn’t me!

Good advice.

Thanks Pook that gives me clarity

You are right, it’s easy to still get caught up in what is best for pwBPD. As I know the situation she is in is not healthy for her, and it isn’t healthy for his kids either, but that isn’t my problem and would only be a saviour complex if I thought it was.

I very much doubt she would try to re connect anyway, she is too stubborn and would rather stay in a toxic relationship than have any opportunity for me to turn around and say I told you so.

oh God the amount of times this was my life. I was the king at staying calm and listening and reassuring. She would tell me in the beginning 'you're the most patient man in the world. Your calmness keeps me calm during arguments'...if that was her version of calm, the world is doomed.

And yup, you'll sit there forever until they say something insane. Literally retell the situation with events and words that never occurred. Then get themselves more worked up over their own made-up story.

I never figured out the best time to speak my mind. I thought we had gotten over a situation, only for it to be brought up over and over. No apology, no changed behavior could ever remedy even the smallest of situations.

That sounds great- I'm glad it's working!

Yeah, I wouldn't tell her your ex's intentions if you're not leaning in that direction.  It's unfair to her and there's nothing to gain.

I think our brains are trained to think "What would my BPD person want?" instead of "What do I want?"  The latter is much healthier since it's what actually matters.

I think both extremes are solving the problem for them. Either feeling completely rejected, discarded, and abandoned or feeling entirely loved, supported, and important.

Yes Pook she is fully aware of the situation. I met her about 3 months after the breakup as she works behind the bar I go in, instantly had chemistry and would find myself there with just the two of us at the end of the evening talking endlessly about everything. Spent another 14 months before we started our relationship together.

I also am getting the sense that something is going on here.  Like it's pretty normal for pwBPD to cause chaos til their get their way, but usually "their way" isn't something that's an obvious dealbreaker for any relationship, like "I get to cheat, and you need to be okay with it."

But maybe this is typical BPD-behavior and it's just unfortunate that this time she fixated on a "greenlight to have an affair" as the "shiny object she needs in the moment," instead of other stuff they usually want, but then move on from in 5 seconds, like a more attention, a new hobby, clothes, a vacation, etc.  She has to realize though that pushing for the right to have an affair is really a dealbreaker. 

Is she okay with the kids knowing?  I might say that as well, and you're being honest here when you spell that all out, something like: "Look, it's not just me being "selfish" here and keeping you from what you want out of spite.  What are the kids going to think about you cavorting around with a lover?  I'm not going to lie to them and cover for you, and you're putting your wants ahead of any concerns for not just me but our family."

stay strong, man.

The short answer- you don't.  Not in the moment at least.

Think of it this way.  You get bit by a spider.  You fear spiders and hate spiders, so this is a big deal to you.  You're not happy, in fact, you're the opposite of happy and you're in a full-blown panic.  What if the spider was poisonous?  Do you need immediate medical care?

And in that moment, I ask if you want to have tacos for dinner.

Tacos for dinner?  Can't you see what's happening here?  I could be dying and you want to talk about tacos!  How could you possibly think it's time to talk about tacos?!?

For me, it's a simple, normal question- after all, we have to eat, right?  For you, it's a declaration of war because it shows exactly what I care about.

This is how a BPD person is thinking in the middle of conflict...they're appalled that you can't see how badly they're struggling inside and they're shocked at your nonchalant attitude in what's clearly a crisis.  Of course, this is likely all hidden from you so how could you possibly know?  But it's the same reaction.

That's why in the moment, you can't talk about your viewpoints on their ridiculousness.  You simply need to help them get  through it in the moment so they can calm down and start thinking rationally once again.  Once that happens, then you can talk about whatever is on your mind...but never before!

If I think of you as my best friend, but suddenly you tell someone else that you don't even know me...what would I say?

I could tell the truth and say, "But he's my best friend in the entire world!"  And then everyone laughs at me as I feel stupid and rejected.

Or I can say, "I can't stand that jerk!  Like I'd ever say he's my best friend...that's ridiculous!"  Then everyone laughs and I'm on my way to making a new best friend.

If BPDs fear being abandoned, it's much easier for them to abandon that person than actually deal with all the intense emotion of being discarded.  Someone who breaks up with people often likely has huge abandonment issues and their meanness is compensating to hide their pain.