From my own experience, it's not only at an end of a relationship, as one doesn't "break up" with or divorce a BPD parent. Some may go no contact but it's not the same. I didn't go NC with my BPD mother. It's about the pwBPD's disordered thinking and feelings in the moment and that to them, feelings feel like facts.

It's splitting, black and white thinking,  projection and victim mentality. The end of the relationship can't be about her, she can't be accountable. So it has to be about you, you are the horrible one.

Looking at my situation from childhood on -As kids, we were mostly well behaving,  but if BPD mother was upset with us, it was as if we were the worst kids ever. Other times, if she was pleased, she'd compliment me. Hard to believe that but in a way, I think both were true in the moment- it was her emotions that changed in the moment. For someone with BPD- feelings feel like facts.

You were all of it according to her feelings- the best partner ever when she felt it and now, you are the worst person on earth according to her feelings in the moment. But just because someone isn't perfectly wonderful all the time (nobody is) does not mean they are a bad person. Just because your ex says something doesn't make it true.

Imagine she's calling you a pink elephant at the moment. Would you consider her words to be true about you? I don't think so. Neither can her saying it turn you into one.

I’m not sure if it’s common. But when someone with BDP perceives it as the end. Is it normal they use that opportunity to say some really really horrible stuff? She has an open investigation against someone who raped her and exploited so badly and I’ve been supporting her with these investigations. The person is obviously no more at all

Last night she said I am the worst person she has ever met….i said wait about this person. She did this laugh and smirk (the laugh sounds so sinister) and wouldn’t add anything. However, later double downed!

Do she really think this? Cus it’s not the break up that’s hurting it’s that comment it’s broke my heart

Somehow a conversation (one of hundreds the past several years) trying to help my PWBPD issue turned into a chance to comment on my failures.   I made the mistake of speaking honestly about how I felt and my SO took it as me blaming them for everything wrong in my life and then went on to attack me for the failures and talking about how awful I was for even including them in any comment about them. 

I realized too late, as I sometimes do that I made the fatal mistake of being open and honest, something my BWBPD can do anytime they want, but I can only do if it is about something or someone they don’t care about or share identical feelings about.   

So I’m painted black and sitting here thinking about all the hours I’ve bent over backward doing things for them that are apparently my duties as a partner but realizing I’m allowed to have no expectations.   

I’m supposed to be what they need when they need it. My existence is secondary. 

And feeling incredibly alone, that hurts.   

It's not vile. It's realizing this relationship is not an emotionally safe situation for you and your children.

Naturally, I speak from the child's perspective. A pwBPD can be nice during visits but the long term relationship is different. Moving forward with this relationship would mean your kids are exposed to the whole picture, the dysfunction, in their own home 24/7, even if there may be some "nice time" moments.

Likely when this former GF is visiting, you are there too. She isn't acting as a step mother on a day to day basis with your children, sometimes when you would be away.

Understandable that you don't want to be hurtful to your former partner, however, its not about choosing to be hurtful. It's about choosing the emotional safety of your own family- self and children. It's about not compromising you and your children's emotional well being to spare your ex GF's feelings.

Just to update. I ended this last night - I’m gutted and feeling very very emotional. However, a line was crossed and whilst I respect and understand BPD - there are limits to what you can tolerate. That sounds vile but it’s true

I suspect that this former friend might have some aspects of NPD. While we two were not especially close ourselves, I looked at this as a friendship between families as a whole. (it didn't involve BPD mother or her family- no relation to that side)

While it hurts to lose a friend- this one affected me more than to lose a friend I was not especially close to, and possibly a disordered one. I realize now that it is similar to my BPD mother's behavior- where-she may have had an issue with one person, and rather than attempting to work things out- just promptly dumped/ghosted, and then, her family is pulled to her side.

It occured to me that one reason this situation affected me like it did is that it is similar to the situation I grew up with, where BPD mother's behavior had a level of control over the other members of the family, and where non disordered people are "discarded" based on the words of a disordered person.

Logically- this isn't a loss. I wouldn't wish to continue a friendship with someone who does this, but I think it's the dynamics that made this more upsetting to me than it probably was. It's also possible that the dynamics felt familiar enough that I didn't notice them as much, and felt a friendship where possibly there really wasn't one on her part.

The whole thing is confusing. I left my
Own yesterday. I know she doesn’t want this, but I have no choose this time I’m debated. But a line a was crossed

Notwendy,
We interact differently with people because of our experiences with our disordered families. I too take my time to get to know people before I feel I can trust them. I know people who grew up in loving families who get who is who very easily and surround themselves with healthy people while easily turning away the disordered ones early on most of the time. Yet we all get fooled sometimes by people who are charming and do not show a part of their true selves that is disturbing until much later, often many years down the road like your friend did. I recently read that disordered people often manipulate others by finding out what that person needs. Once the person is getting a need meet by this disordered person, they often make the mistake of blocking out any negative information.Taking time to get to know a person before sharing personal information is a safe boundary to have. I know I tend to overshare due to being abused and neglected by my family though I continue to improve on setting this boundary. Polarized views of any person are never healthy. We are all human beings with positive and negative traits. Sometimes a trait can be positive or negative depending on the situation  I am wary of people who have polarized views about anybody or anything. I value friendships with people I can learn from and they are willing to learn from me, as we continue to grow in positive ways.

Hi all,

I hope your well.

So last night I ended the relationship with my BPD partner. Was this coming? I don’t I can never tell. It’s hard, it’s exhausting and it’s really really difficult to navigate. Since finding out she had BDP I did my research, prepared myself and tried to educate myself. Unpredictably was how I saw it, triggers from no where and this constant feeling of been on edge. I navigate many episodes been patient but this one I just essentially couldn’t do it anymore. She crossed a line. Friday we are talking about houses and a trip o have planned with Disney making all the payments around that. Hours later - she just changes her mind. Saying I’m useless, and a barrage of verbal abuse. I think as it Involved the children it crossed a line and I probably didn’t do myself proud In my reaction, to which I’m sorry and have told her. I can’t do that anymore though. Every word, every step, every decision I make - each one I have to carefully think over and I supose did it just take it out of me?


She’s amazing and her life has been nothing but issue, and issue and issue. She doesn’t deserve it. But I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m upset. I dunno whilst I want this. I’ve lost my best friend and whilst I’m sure I never want a relationship with her I can’t help but feel sorry for her. It breaks my heart

For me, the damage to the relationships in the family and friends that were influenced by my BPD mother are already done- and so not ongoing. However- this was significant-and hurtful. Some of who were at one time her flying monkeys did reconcile with me, and while I have welcomed that, it's with some guardedness.

For me, I think the result of this is being guarded with other relationships and potential new ones. After all, if even some of my closest family members can "turn" on me, then so could friends and other people as well.

Still, I don't want to be closed off to friendships but I will take my time with becoming familiar and attached. Sometimes we just don't know. I keep in mind the Maya Angelou statement- "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

I recently had an old friend drop and ghost me and did the same to some other people I know. I have learned she's friends with a woman that people I know suspect has BPD. We have no idea what this possible BPD woman is saying to her about her other friends but it seems this former friend is now possibly another flying monkey.

I have reached out to her, given her many opportunities to reconnect, left the door open, but she continues with her stance. I didnt know this before but now that this "former friend" has "shown me who she is", I have to accept this new reality.

Its hurtful when this happens and we grieve. It's even harder when it's a family member. For your older sister- she herself is dealing with the disordered family dynamics. While she did badmouth the younger one- its also her own fears and insecurities in the family system that led her to believe she needs to go along with the family narrative or be exiled or targeted herself. She may have a weak sense of self from the dynamics.

Zachira- often the most emotionally healthy, strongest, and truthful family member becomes the scapegoat.  Often the truthteller, the one who sees most clearly becomes the target. Your seeing through the disordered dynamics can be a threat to the others who depend on them for their own sense of self.

You have moved past the family dysfunction. They haven't. This isn't something wrong on your part, nor is it a failure on your part. You're the one changing the cycle for you. However, it's also hard to be in this solo, without your family as support, but it's because they are too disordered to be able to do that for you.

You are strong though. You've got this!