It was a challenge with my BPD mother too. She was resistant to therapy or even the consideration that she had BPD. She had also been treated with prescription medicines and was dependent on them-not only physically.  At one point, her doctor took her off them. Her anxiety and emotional distress were extreme. She got back on them.

I understand being powerless. It's natural to be concerned for your widowed elderly mother, and yet, not be able to do anything to help the situation. We kids were concerned about my BPD mother after my father passed away. She had been so dependent on him. Suicide threats were a concern too. However, we didn't live with her, we had our own families and jobs. We could not watch her all the time. So we decided if we had any concerns, if she made a threat, we'd call 911 emergency. That's the best anyone can do.

BPD mother also didn't allow us to have any imput or information about her finances or medical records. After Dad passed away, she redid her legal papers, wrote someone else in as POA. We had no idea how she was managing.

What we realized is that- we could not be proactive with her. She was doing well physically. As far as we knew, she had sufficient funds for her needs, but we didn't know any information about that. As long as she was legally competent, we could not do anything, even if we were concerned.

What I noticed with the delusional thinking was that, if there was something going on with her medically- the quality of it would change, but also stress could do that too. It was not possible to tell what was actually going on. There were the usual wild statements- her baseline- like saying a relative was on drugs (she wasn't) and saying someone was being abusive to her when they weren't. These were not without consequences as it did push people away but there's no controlling this. But sometimes she'd act as if she was confused, didn't know where she was, thinking she was somewhere else- and these times were when it was medicine or an infection, or dehydration.

Still, there was no way to control this, or intervene proactively. It could only be done in a crisis situation. It's also difficult for you due to expectations. People wonder why an elderly person is "left" to fend for themselves - where are the adult children. Also for the adult children who are concerned but have no ability to intervene, as well as who also need boundaries on abusive behavior.

Around this time, I also saw what "normal" is. My inlaws were getting older. They sat down with their adult kids, gave them all the information needed, expressed their wishes, made them POA. They had their moments too-of frustration, anger, the "normal" for this situation. With BPD- there may be similar circumstances but with BPD influencing the behavior.

This is an emotional situation. It's important for you to take care of your own emotional well being. Prepare yourself for what to do if needed. I did consult an elder law attorney and social services to learn the rules, and resources. It helped to know what they were, even if I couldn't do anything.

How much we could be involved was determined by BPD mother. At one point, she rewrote her legal papers, made her kids POA. But even with the POA, BPD mother remained self directed, and made her own decisions.

If your mother won't establish someone as POA, there may be a point where someone has to legally step in. It can be you, or someone else. Being POA is voluntary.

Without any ability to be proactive, have a cooperative relationship, all we could do was keep a watch on her, determine what we were willing to do if needed and if she allowed us to.

Hi Both, thank you for taking the time to reply to me, my brother went to her home again yesterday expecting a war with her after she was paranoid about him on Sunday but she was nice as pie!  She still has it in for my aunt though. It can change on a sixpence as to who she is angry with! The problem we have is that she is generally good physically and mentally for her age and would go beserk at the suggestion of extra care or POAs. The additional issue that we have either her is that for many decades the medical profession have just treated her mental health issues as something that needs Diazepams and Lorazepams and essentially they created an addict! She can't function without these tablets and she does claim to overuse them if she's gone into a bad place. So whether they impact this distorted thinking that she gets about people and the things her head tells her they've done.
It's like another obsession she has at the minute is she is always trying to invent a dramatic life story for herself and keeps trying to claim that one of her parents wasn't her parent but we both did ancestry DNA tests and it was bang on the button that my grandparents are my genuine grandparents and her parents! Yet she is ignoring that.
I think we'll be destined to be putting up with her moods and thoughts that change at the flick of the switch until she eventually dies  I think! She doesn't want to help herself or be helped - I get that winter months are dismal and hard on her but her refusal to go out and to anything, get involved in anything or socialise isn't helping her. The other hard thing of course is the frequent suicide threats when she is unhappy and not knowing she'll eventually do it!

Hi Pook075,
I understand that it is better to keep all or most info on the boards.
My GF keeps arguing about her perception that I am talking to those other women that are the last people I would ever talk to even if GF wasn't in my life. I have already drawn my boundaries but she keeps crossing them so I guess I will just have to walk away from the relationship. Her accusations (not just suspicions) are so blatant and angry and sometimes all she wants to talk are those accusations and it gets to be really exhausting.
I send her money every two weeks, but sometimes I will send more in the interim for medicine.
Can you share with me what websites have you used and is there is one that seems to attract better ladies?
Thank you.

I find that my husband (also currently living apart) has very little bandwidth for these kinds of conversations. So I very carefully pick which ones I want to have. This obviously can make me feel pent up, as I need to keep many of my needs to myself and not discuss them, but the reality is that he is just not going to handle it well if I bring up a lot of "issues".

Basically, I try to pick whatever topics are MOST important to me, and then, when calm, not in the moment, I mention it to him in the most unemotional way possible and with very little elaboration. For example, "I would appreciate it if you leave the kids' clothing in their drawers the way I put it there. Thanks" (I would not say this as she is messing the clothing, but after the fact, a day or two later). I used to elaborate a lot on my requests and needs, and sometimes cry when very upset, and learned that these did not work at all, as he gets triggered and starts yelling at me and dissociating. Also, if he does respond poorly to any request, as when your wife started to become defensive or swear, I immediately disengage and close the conversation (hang up the phone, leave the room etc). And I do not ever try to use logic when he is becoming irritated (ie "you are trying to justify it, you know that all the drawers are becoming like that"). I am a very logical person, so it used to be my "go to", but now I know that logic is one of the worst strategies I can use for someone who is essentially completely illogical when dysregulated.

I am obviously not perfect, and do slip up sometimes and try to talk about things that are not in the "most important" category or say my needs in an emotional way, but usually it backfires. I am pretty consistent about disengaging when he gets elevated, and that has made my nervous system a lot calmer, as I could not handle engaging with his outbursts anymore.

I also have had to accept that the relationship is simply not a "normal" one where the couple can safely share their needs and feelings and come to a nice, shared compromise. This doesn't mean I accept abuse, because that is something I have a pretty hard limit on (ie I do not tolerate bad language, insults etc and won't engage at all), but it does mean that I have had to come to terms with the fact that if I want to stay in this relationship, it has some natural limitations on what I can express and what I can expect from him.

I agree with this perspective, however it is of course fraught with tense emotions in your distressing situation.  I learned that lesson when I was a religious volunteer in NYC for many years.  I admit, though, my experience then was with strangers, not close relatives nor disordered ones.

Let me add an example...

This is what happens with my wife when she is in my place (we are living apart). Yesterday, since she was about to leave, I took the risk of making a brief comment while she was rolling over the kids' clothes in the drawer:

Me—Hey, my love, I don't quite like when the dresses of the kids are all messed up in the drawer, you know?
Her—Those didn't fit on her anymore. (becomes defensive)
Me—You are trying to justify it, but you know that all drawers have become like that.
Her—I didn't have to justify myself for you, because you are not my master or anything. Blah blah blah... (talking nonsense very loud, almost screaming, and nonstop)
Me—I don't have to hear your screams like that in my home, my own place. (while preparing to leave her sight)
Her—YOU SAY THAT TO HURT ME, YOU BASTARD! (switching now the topic to the "my home" phrase, which she didn't want me to use)

A minute later, while I am far from her, she prepares her stuff to leave but gives me an order:

Her—Give some fruits to your son!
Me—Are you giving me an order?
Her—YES!
Me—So screw you! (but I was going to prepare the fruits anyway)
Her—SCREW YOU !! Your **** ! #$...

As I fed our son with sweet melon, I brought a piece for her. I had to insist, but since she appreciates when I care for her, she began to cool off and accepted it. As I noticed the opportunity I brought, I gave her a hug and kiss. Finally, she is back to normal.

But nothing was resolved. And I think she ends up feeling like she was abused, and not the contrary.

Every couple in the world who lives together ends up having some type of conflict around the usage of the space or the things. Even more tension can arise when they disagree about the education/caretaking of kids. It's normal for sparks to fire at the heat of the moment. However, in a mentally healthy couple, those problems should not become chronic or too overwhelming. At some point when both parties are calm, one of them should try a better approach, disarming the other partner and allowing negotiation to happen. Then, when both are interested in talking with care and willing to understand the other point of view, it should be easy to compromise.

However, with a BPD partner, even by approaching them with planned steps and the best intentions, if it is a sensible topic, we are likely to fail badly. Because the topic may make them feel criticized and then trigger a very aggressive attitude in them.

For instance, my wife has very bad habits in regard to the organization of stuff and doing things impulsively, which ruins any kind of organization that I try to do in the house. I think this might be part of ADHD, but I feel like I can't touch those topics without triggering her.

Should I just wait for treatments to take effect before talking about it and, meanwhile, just use radical acceptance (accept the mess and keep quiet about it)?

Is this the kind of stuff for couples therapy?

Or is it possible to talk it out without triggering them?

Please share your experiences.

Hi AaronP,

In regard to your fear of being away from the kids, I have already gone through this three times, with three different wives. I can tell you for sure that if you get shared custody and your days are respected, you'll then have way more quality time with your kids. Firstly because your mood will be better, and secondly because your spouse won't be controlling you (they may try remotely though).

The big risk is when the other spouse does parental alienation, which can make your kids suddenly hate you for no reason after spending too much time with your ex, even if that's violating your custody rights. Another problem is the court dispute, which is expensive and exhaustive. Your troubled spouse is very likely to make false accusations, and the results may be unsettling if you don't have the same energy as them to fight.

With the third wife, I still have a relationship, but we live apart. This is the ideal setup, because it avoids the court battle, but it is only possible if the couple still loves each other greatly.

You should consider your options.

In regard to therapists, I think you should also try other options. I have tried asynchronous human chat therapists, whom you can send messages to at any time, and the cost was times lower than regular synchronous mode. But if you need to vent lots of information and get help consolidating it, perhaps an AI therapist would be ideal.

Dee, I’m really sorry you’re hurting this much. I can hear how desperate and stuck this feels for you right now.

It makes sense that your mind keeps replaying the last few moments and wondering what you could have done differently. When someone leaves in a sudden, final way after so many returns, it can feel unreal. Of course part of you is still waiting for the pattern to repeat.

And at the same time, this relationship had a long history of blocking, breaking up, intense accusations, and even physical incidents. That’s a lot for any nervous system to carry. It wasn’t built on one comment in the car. The instability was there long before that night.

Right now the urge to get her back probably feels like the only thing that would calm the agony. But calming the panic and actually having a stable, safe relationship are two different things.

You don’t have to be ready to let go. You don’t have to force yourself to stop loving her. But getting support for you - especially while you wait for therapy - is really important. You deserve steadiness, not just intensity.

If therapy is helpful overall- great!  But if not, then it may be worth it to consider another therapist.  It's also perfectly okay to vent; don't worry about what your spouse says about your treatment.  This is about you, not anyone else, so don't let the outside noise influence you.

If you feel pressured to give an account, it's okay to say that you don't want to talk about it.  With BPD in the mix, it's possible your partner is just making sure you're not bad-mouthing them to a therapist.  Well, news flash, that's what people do at therapy...they open up about their problems.

Additionally, many members here have benefitted from therapy (myself included) and most therapists have therapists of their own.  Hopefully that helps!