To follow your name I will provide support in the form of you said you are going to do it so then my friend NIKE that S !!! We will hold you to it.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Not Wendy, I very much relate to what you are saying. I am transitioning now to not tolerating abuse and it is scary but also feels good and right.

I think when we grow up with a disordered person, it is the "normal" we know. There are people in my mother's family who are estranged from each other. I don't know the reasons why. Maybe it's their "normal".

We assume a memorial is not the time to act out grievences but how a disordered person is thinking is anyone's guess.

I have had this kind of thing happen and as Tel Hill said- being nice to these people seems to be an incentive to them to make you a target.

As kids, one of the first things we learn is the Golden Rule. A version of it is universal to so many cultures and it's so sensible, but we weren't taught how to deal with people who for some reason don't think the rules apply to them or through their own distorted thinking behave differently.

In addition, I also think there's something about us that these people can sense. Boundaries are on some level not conscious. I think this part is our upbringing. We haven't had solid boundaries in our FOO. We don't really know how to deal with these people. We try to make sense of their behavior when we don't think like they do.

There was a time when I experienced betrayal and also people being outright mean. One time, a person was yelling at me and I asked "why do you do that" and the reply was "because I can".  She was right- I didn't give the behavior back. In 12 steps we learned a slogan "we teach people how to treat us" and this is about boundaries and not tolerating abuse. I don't tolerate it now.

Still, my own sense of how I want to behave is important to me. I don't want to return that kind of behavior. I don't want to act that way. So finding a way to distance from this kind of behavior without acting like them is a challenge. The going NC/discard, cutting off is the more difficult.

I am less trusting these days. Emotional distance feels safer. I don't know if that is because I have better boundaries or am too defensive.

There is a perspective that I find compelling... In some ways we do choose who we are.  You've done that.  You're a more positive person, responsibility and integrity mean something to you, despite the bad examples in your childhood.

It is so sad that the others in your FOO (family of origin) didn't choose to make better and more wholesome lives for themselves.  We can't fix them.  The best we can do is ensure we don't pick up their poor behaviors and negativity.

But we can and do work on ourselves.  Kudos to you.

TelHill,
Thank you for understanding my situation. Like you, being friendly and doing favors for my disordered neighbor has made me a consistent target. For the future, it is all about having the lowest possible contact with her. The biggest challenge I have is feeling so unsafe having her around, like as you describe these type of people tend to implode at random. I never know when I am in for another round of being abused, and she really lives just a few feet away in the condo association. If this were my own privately owned home, I would have more barriers to limiting contact with her.

 

Hi Zachira, I also have a disordered neighbor. What's theirs is their and what's yours is theirs.  I also feel reluctant to act due to having had a dBPD mother.

I've done the same as you. If something happens I'll contact them but say nothing otherwise. Being friendly with them and/or doing favors in the past made me into a consistent target. I think it feeds the disorder.

They seem to implode at random though. They've harassed others in the neighborhood too.

Zachira, don't be so hard on yourself. I've had to learn the hard way how to handle disordered people. Most people do too. It doesn't come naturally. 

You can ignore her and not speak to her. If she can't control her behavior, you have the right to protect yourself. I think you're doing really well from what you've said.  You can't stop her from being disordered.

I would suggest contacting the police if she trespasses and destroys your property again. I had an instance where I should have and let it pass -- I was still learning to set boundaries. Actions should have consequences.

I appreciate hearing everyone's perspectives. Thank you for replying and your ongoing input. One of my friends recently told me that I get groomed by disordered people and I am just too nice. I was way too nice to this neighbor, while most people seem to get it pretty quickly that they had better distance themselves from her.

Unfortunately the neighbor has an unhealthy obsession with controlling what goes on at my place, having everything her way at the HOA (She drives the HOA President crazy with her unreasonable demands.), and keeps violating my boundaries. I wish I had been more affirmative with her from the beginning. I have tried to validate her when she does something nice. I doubt she ever gets much validation from anybody and she seems to crave my attention. I am at the point where I can't stand this woman and want as little contact as possible. Perhaps my extreme dislike of her will now allow me to set better boundaries with her. The other next door neighbor to her told me she just turns and walks away when she makes unreasonable demands. The HOA President told me he calls her out on her lies, which make her upset. He also says no to her unreasonable demands after spending years trying to work with her.

Recently life has been hard. I have suffered some pretty heinous betrayals from some people that I had poor boundaries with who were people I though I could trust. It is so hard for me to stop reenacting my trauma with people who are similar to my disordered family members. Please share your stories and give me some feedback on this. 

I grew up with a "difficult" person in the family, and maybe that's how I learned to tolerate difficult people.


Looking back, I now can imagine he blamed me for the extended delay.  In order for him to select a piece of their land, all to his sole benefit before the remainder was sold and proceeds split, the county required an easement so the remainder would be marketable.  Once he eventually selected a surveyor and naturally wanted the maximum land possible, officials stated it would make the remainder landlocked so an easement was needed.  He kept insisting I allow an easement on my property and I kept responding there wasn't room on my property for an easement.  So, in his mind I caused the delay?

There was a memorial for one of our cousins last month and I was seated on the other side.  It was as if the other wasn't there.

A difficult behavior for me is the discard/cut off/silent treatment. If people are being impolite, crossing boundaries- as difficult as that is- at least there's some interaction.

I find I put more value into a relationship than some other people. I will try to salvage a relationship, at least at first.

I had a co-worker with whom I thought we had a friendship. This person was not disordered. We had done things together outside of work, and I even was invited to her child's wedding. After she left the job, due to job dissatisfaction, I still contacted her. I realized it was one way- me reaching out and she was too busy. I understand that perhaps she didn't want to associate with anyone from her previous job, as she had been unhappy with it. I just assumed the friendship was more than that. Realizing it may not have been, and there was no effort on her part, I let it go.

Another person, whose reaction was so over the top, I suspect is disorded, was angry at someone with whom I worked on a committee. I was not involved in their altercation- I wasn't there at the time and I don't have a personal relationship with the person she was angry with. She disagreed with a decision made by the committee, and promptly cut contact with everyone associated with that. I know she was angry as she had words with me over it, then blocked and unfriended me and has not spoken to me after that. I tried to reach out but she's still gone NC.

What I noticed with myself is how much this affected me emotionally- it was distressing. I see that this is similar to BPD mother's behvavior of cutting off contact, silent treatment- when she was angry at people. Another similarity is that the reaction is way out of proportion to the situation. My involvement in her issues with this other person is minimal, yet she was willing to destroy a relationship with me over it.

In both these situations, I realize that the frienship meant more to me than the other person. Up to the discard- there were no issues that I could see. Nobody treated me poorly. I don't think all friendships are meant to last. Some are situational. Still, most of the time, they remain cordial, even if more distant. To completely cut all contact at once is baffling to me.