I’ve had several dBPDexs and mostly they do come back.  I noticed the ones where I caught them cheating red handed or saw too many of their secrets were more likely to do a hard discard and never come back after that, but that was usually after several rounds of break ups and getting back together.  I only had 1 out of probably 5 I’ve been involved with who did a hard discard on the first breakup, but even she would show up and see what I was up to occasionally without interacting with me directly (at the same social events, etc) before she finally disappeared from my life forever, but it was obvious she wanted
me to chase after her so she could ruthlessly discard me again and fortunately I didn’t take the bait.  The others were a lot nicer, they at least tried to be cordial in the end and provide some form of closure, although the BPD version of closure is not very satisfying at all.

I’m glad it only took you one iteration of “touching the hot stove” to learn your lesson and never do it again.  Its possible to lose years to these breakups if you let the threads connect very deeply.   

After my last relationship that ended it took me a solid year to start feeling like my old self again.  Also in the process of trying to understand what had happened, I learned that two other of my exes had been diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional since the time I had been with each of them.   

One was the loyal non-cheating variety that smothers you by needing constant attention (is this the “waif”?) but the other was the sultry cheating type.  Its definitely the sultry cheating ones that did the most damage, with the waif the break up wasn’t that bad, but when she would get triggered she knew how to absolutely cut me to pieces (verbally) the sultry vixens tend to discretely sneak off to have their hookups.

Inner Peace,

She’s doing this on purpose. 

You did well to take the high road and not have any negative reaction.

I would approach it a wee bit differently again.

I would save my energy and reply to people who are kind and friendly and who genuinely care about you. Those are the people who deserve your attention and connection.

In this case, do you think it makes sense to “not” reply? I wouldn’t reply.  Ignore it.  Don’t give her any reaction at all.  Any reply will give her satisfaction, and reinforce her behavior.  You run the risk of continuing to get these annoying texts that being hurt at being excluded.

If you ignore it and she doesn’t get a response, she doesn’t get rewarded for sending it.  If she sends enough of them with no response, she will stop because it’s just not worth her time to send out emails she doesn’t get a reply to.

Ask yourself, what do you think her intention was for sending you this? Why would she send you a pic of an event you weren’t invited to? Who does this?

Good to hear you're doing so well.  It's very hard to get over probably the most emotional and tense relationship we'll ever experience but once you do, then nothing will ever seem as bad.

After my own BPD experience I was able to date and, if I even suspected anything remotely BPD about a new romance I would end it but not have any hurt or worry like with the first BPD relationship. Never get back on that treadmill again

Yes, it can put you on your guard but I always give people a fair chance and we should always remember that there's more nice ones than bad ones out there.

Most important lesson to learn is.. 'when the many red flags appear. act on them' and don't ignore them like we did first time round, hoping things would get better.

Best wishes - keep getting out there with a healthy, positive attitude as I find good things happen when you least expect them

Some BPD gets considerably worse over time and it can happen very suddenly sometimes.

I eventually ended my own 4-year relationship after her most horrific outburst which left me thinking 'I don't know this person, is this the real person I'm now seeing?'  It actually scared me and I finally realised it had to end.

That was 38 years ago - quite some time. Never heard anything from her since even though she's actually been living just a couple of miles away from me for the last 25 years. One of my friends was a local rent officer at the time and he recognised her when she came to pay rent.

A few years ago I bumped into her sister-in-law and she said that my ex had never got any better and would often break up with her current partner. In the end she cut off all contact with her family and hasn't been seen for the last 8 years.

I definitely dodged a bullet and that's the way you should look at it too.  My mental and physical health declined while with her and God knows how bad I'd be now had I stayed.

Yes, it's sad when we love someone so much and things just dont work out like we want.  I hope your life is good now that the chaos is over.

They may come back or try to keep some sort of contact - even non-direct contact such as 'liking' your FB posts. This let's you know they're still 'out there' but without them messaging directly.

BPD's do fear being alone and it's the irony that their ability to drop partners almost instantly leads them into doing the very thing they fear.  Having said that though, some may come back because their relationship with any 'new' person has failed.  They can treat previous partners like a 'substitutes bench' - all people who are potentially still available if nothing better is on the horizon.

Not the way people should be treated but BPD doesn't allow for logical thinking and can make the sufferer very scheming and mercenary.  The thought of 'My needs at the time always come first' is the first law of BPD.

I never knew if my exBPD was seeing others during our many breakups and it was always me who ended up chasing her and getting back together, despite me being the innocent one.

So they may indeed come back but always be aware it might just be to avoid being without anyone. Also remember BPD is a repeating illness and they can leave again.

He's lashed out because something nice has happened in your life - getting a car - but in his mind, he got nothing. The entire universe is obviously totally against him and he's the victim as always. He sees it as simply as that.He's unable to share in a joint pleasure and only sees things as 'what you have and 'what he's got'.  All extreme black and white thinking, which is the classic BPD way of seeing everything.


If you're looking at the sky and paying attention to it, then you're not thinking about him and his needs and are selfish, etc.  Even had you made it about him he'd still have turned it into something negative.

My ex would never accept any compliments and they were immediated treated with suspicion and the 'what have you been up to??' I could understand this a little when we'd just met and she doesnt know me, but even after 4 years she would never accept any compliment as genuine. Another factor among many which contributed to my ending things.

Does your partner accept compliments as easily or does he see them as an indication that you've done something wrong and are trying to cover up?

Thank you wantmorepeace. It hardly feels like progress where putting the boundaries down results in more aggressive escalations and emotional violence that cuts deeper and deeper to try to get the same reaction. In the good moments she gets vulnerable and even owns some of the mistakes, says she just wishes that i would open up more so that she would know when she's hurting me and she'd know to stop, and then when the bad times return I'm actually naive enough to believe this and it gets me sucked in deeper into the arguments to a point where she can hurt me again. It truly feels like all vulnerability right now is ultimately a self destructive action because it will reliably be used against me in the near future. I feel like a fish on a hook, where the good moments are just meant to lure me to relax before string gets tightened again and eventually i run out of power to fight.

In my experience, pwBPD experience situation from victim perspective. It is unsusual that a 5 year old would interpret going to the doctor for a health check as an accusation that she is fat. If a child is gaining a lot of weight, they need to be checked to see if they are OK. You did what any parent would do.

Some examples of how my BPD mother interpreted my behavior is that she would tell stories of what I did as a child. One is that I "threw up on her carpet on purpose" when I was a toddler and also refused to share a cookie when I was 6. These are normal child behaviors- toddlers get stomach aches sometimes. They don't throw up on purpose. 6 year olds want to keep their cookies. Yet somehow to my mother - I did these on purpose?

Parents are human. We aren't perfect. It is possible to be a loving and caring parent and yet, still have moments where we are stressed, or tired, and don't act in ways we usually would. Sometimes we do things we should apologize for, but not all accusations are these times.

I agree with listening to someone if they express feeling hurt by something we said or did, and validating the feeling. It is the first step to repairing a relationship. While we may feel defensive if it's unfounded, or we believe it's unfounded- to be defensive- to JADE-  doesn't help in the moment. Our task in the moment is to hold on to our reality and what the goal is. It's a challenge when being falsely accused as we want to justify our intentions. The other task is to be able to listen and validate the feeling but not the false accusation.

"I didn't realize you felt that way. I am sorry that you felt I was being critical of your weight.Thank you for letting me know. I think you are beautiful just the way you are " is truthful but doesn't change what actually happened.

When you explained (JADE) as an attempt to soothe your D's feelings it didn't come accross to her as you intended.

You have every right to feel misjudged and not wanting to just give in to accepting the accusation but in the moment, your D can't see this from your point of view. It is frustrating to be constantly accused of things you didn't do. Here is where your boundaries come in. You can valiadate the feelings but not what is invalid.

While it's important to listen in a relationship, we also can have boundaries. You can  decide when you aren't emotionally available to hear about how you have "hurt" her. With my elderly BPD mother, I would visit, do things for her the entire time. Somehow, she'd find something I did or didn't do that "upset her". Sometimes I would say "I will call you when I get home but not when I am driving" or have times where I would not be available and it helped to let her know when I could be. Expect that your D will bring up things too, and if you don't feel available to listen, then let her know you will call her back later. It's frustrating to be in this situation but see it as a result of her thinking more than it is about you.

BPD ex no.1 came back once. She was the relatively healthy one. I would describe her "BPD wound" acting up as a bratty teenager. She sometimes went on full-blown tirades on how bad everyone else was but it was always relatively grounded. We tried being friends after dating on two different occasions but I found that she was weird and high maintenance even as a friend and she found me manipulative. She did text me once after a few years of no contact. Not sure if she meant to test me, she sent the text in English which is not our native language. Could have been testing me, could have been trying to contact someone else. The first time she dumped me and the second time I dumped her.

BPD ex no. 2 lives in my neighbourhood and I see her around sometimes but I strongly feel I'm never going to hear a peep from her. Her BPD wound manifests more like the classic emotional toddler with absolutely no control. She monkey-branched with a then-good friend of mine. It's tiresome seeing her around but I haven't mustered the will to move out because I like my current apartment. She dumped me.