I agree that if you aren't certain about the finality of the relationship, to not put the kids through the push pull/on/off dynamic. I thought from your first post that you were. The intent was to reassure you that you made a logical decision for the well being of you and the kids, if this was the situation and you had reservations about continuing.

If you two are on a temporary break and you are considering working it out, that is a different situation.

You, yourself, may be ambivalent and pivoting between the two considerations and that is where you are at now. No judgement on that, but again, I agree with not bringing the kids into this, rather letting them know she couldn't make it this time rather than it's off.

Hi Wantmore,

I don't know.  Sometimes I feel depressed and cranky for no apparent reason.  (I don't usually feel useless, but that probably doesn't matter).  However, I think that sometimes feeling depressed and cranky is basically a physical and emotional manifestation of stress.  More often than not, it's when I'm battling minor physical ailments, like a persistent cold, a hurt limb, itchy skin, headaches from an outdated contact lens prescription, carpal tunnel after too much time on the computer.  These ailments might make it hard for me to get a good night's rest.  Add to that some work stress, familial dysfunction or bad news, and BAM!, I feel especially testy.  It's in these periods that I double down on healthy habits:  eating right, getting regular exercise, getting sleep.  The crankier I feel, the more I focus on healthy habits, and I try to ease up on my schedule.  I'll try to unwind with gentle stretching, a walk in the sunshine, a bath or reading an easy book.  I also try to put something enjoyable in my calendar:  a weekend away, a day at the beach, a date at the movies, whatever.  Just having something fun to look forward to can brighten my spirits.

I know, this response isn't directly about BPD, but I've lived with BPD dysfunction in my life for long enough to know that it can be really stressful.  The misplaced rage, the sabotaging, the anger, the accusations, the financial burden . . . we're not wired to be constantly attacked, on edge or fearful about the next blow-up.  I think the constant, low-level stress can really wear you down.  That's why here we emphasize self-care so much.

Also, I've noticed that it can take time to recover from big changes.  A sickness in the family, the rupture of an important relationship, a change like moving out of town, a new job, a birth in the family--it takes time to adjust.  Give yourself some grace, try not to beat yourself up over not feeling like your normal self yet.

I hope you take care of yourself.

The poor thing is hurting and I am so proud of her. I’ve told her to just go away have a think. I’ll be here but my priority at the kids.

From her viewpoint, she feels betrayed, neglected, and insecure.  Maybe there's no reason for that, but she feels how she feels because she's mentally ill.  Her feelings are real and they cause her to make rash decisions (like this right now). 

She has done this her entire life in all close relationships, so it's not about you.  This is 100% about her own mind working against her and telling her to run before you leave her.  It's not rational, but it's how she thinks.

You can work through this if you choose that path.  But for now, she has to get over the mental hurdles that led her to the breakup in the first place.  If you push, it only gets worse because that confirms her initial panic.  So you have a great strategy- wait it out and see what happens.

For the kids though, I only meant that it might be beneficial to tell them today that it's over.  That's putting them on this rollercoaster of emotions with you and it might not even be necessary if you work things out in a few days.

I’ve said to her go away. Think about this - things do need to change and I will support her absolutely. She’s already defensive around this and I’m just gonna give it space. I have tried to say everything is raw and to let things calm. I’ll see

That's the thing- it's 100% her choice.  And I imagine it has to be almost impossibly hard to admit that you have a serious mental illness that ruins every close relationship.  Who would want years of therapy and medications? 

I wish you luck and if it were me, I'd hold off on "the talk" with the kids for a week or so.  Just say something came up and she can't join you on Thursday.

I have another idea about this. I think when we are focused on someone else- the behavior, stress, chaos, the trying to fix, appease them, we do this to the extent of not feeling our own feelings. Now, with the space, your own feelings are more apparent.

The grief is a different kind of grief. I found that, the less drama in my relationship with my BPD mother, the more "empty" the relationship felt. I think the drama was a part of the relationship and it was a substitute for what is actual intimacy, closeness. I think we perceive the relationship through our own feelings and wishes, or if drama is what we learned as "feeling close"- once it's gone, there's a sense of loss.

Our family members are the only "family" we know. What we sense as a relationship- that is all we know. It was a daunting shock to actually perceive my mother in the way she was and what the basis of our relationship actually was. I don't mean this critically. It's that I saw it the way I wanted to see it before that. The grief involved the loss of that perception, not what the relationship actually was, not the actual loss of a relationship.

I don't think you will ever not "want to have a sister" in the way you wished for that, and I don't think any of us stop wanting a parent or sibling.

The good news is that, once aware of our own feelings, we can process them, do self care. Our focus on someone else was a way to manage our own feelings and without them, we now have to deal with them. No need to judge them or you for having them. If you feel that way, well you do.

Hi, folks!  There is no doubt that I have made progress in understanding my own responses to my pwubpd  As a result, I  believe that my anxiety and FOG are lower.  But now I find myself feeling depressed, cranky (at work -- yikes!), and -- as a result of that -- rather inept.  Wondering whether others have had this experience and have any words of wisdom -- or just support. 

I've heard it said that coming to terms with your relationship with somebody with bpd can be like the 5 stages of grief, so maybe I'm just in the depression stage -- which is the one right before acceptance!  That would be good!

There is a huge part of me that wants to say - please just get help! And we can be that family. But she won’t and I can’t force her. It hurts, she’s has the capabilities to be amazing. She’s just so scared

Seems to me that you have chosen to protect your own personal boundaries, your job (romantic relationships and their discussion don't belong in the workplace) and your children.

Your kids, at their ages, have no comprehension of what goes into a long term relationship. Sure, your ex can be fun and nice during visits, just about anyone can do that, but that doesn't mean she is emotionally stable and can sustain a long term relationship and actual parenting- and you have seen that she isn't emotionally stable. What you have chosen to do is to not bring an emotionally unstable person into your home and their lives.

As a parent, we make choices for our kids that are in their best interests, not always the ones they "want". They probably also would love to have sweets for dinner instead of vegetables too but you don't do that because, it's not good for them.

The most important person to your kids is you as their parent and one of your main tasks is to protect them. You are doing that.

Also, they don't need a detailed explanation or TMI. You made an adult decision in their best interest. You can tell them that the two of you didn't work out but that no matter what, you will always be there for them as their Dad.

Yes, you have feelings for this person but you have let your boundaries and logical thinking as well as your self preservation and role as a parent override them. This is not a failure in any way. One can see this as a sound decision you made for yourself and your children.