As someone who has recently experienced a similar situation, a sign of progress in detaching was realising I simply don't feel the need to resolve things or correct the record with certain people. I know what happened and the truth remains true.

A saying someone shared with me was that you don't get to see anyone's karma but your own, and that has helped.

I'm not sure if there's any cure for it but time and focusing on your own goals and forward momentum can help. I feel for you.

Hi,

I have posted on the bord before, when I was still trying to find a way to fix things. Unluckily, the situation escalated real quick and I am now forced to stay at a friend's. I think my 12-year relationship is coming to an end.

Life after marriage (2024) has not been easy for me. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had several surgeries and treatment which lasted for a year. I lost my jobs, my savings, my independence, my own mental health. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer. Meanwhile, my pwBPD accepted a job offer abroad and left. It was a shared decision, since life in our home country was starting to be economically unsustainable. Everything started to crack and BPD behavior such as blame shifting and silent treatment started to resurface, surely also triggered by my instability and mood swings.

The thought of being together again kept me going, and as soon as I finished treatment I moved abroad to join him. I knew it would be hard, but we agreed I could take my time to heal, find a job, and get back on my feet. I was so grateful for being alive and having this chance. However, things had changed a lot in his life. I knew from day one that, despite loving words and loving gestures, he had gone back to his 'need for absolute freedom', and started to detach. It had happened before, and I was able to spot these familiar red flags, but I ignored them.

I believe my biggest mistake was to underestimate my own mental health and extreme fragility up to the point I started having panic attacks and lashing out whenever I saw hints of his discard attempts. I feel extremely guilty and I regret not seeking help earlier, although I know relationally that his BPD left untreated would eventually destroy everything.

We had a huge fight a week ago, after he announced he wanted to go on a solo trip and would probably leave in two days. I took out my wedding ring and said: "I cannot go on living this way, I need someone who doesn't play with my life like this", to which he replied "I am like this, if you don't accept it it's over". That night he returned home drunk at 4:00 AM, refusing to acknowledge the absurdity of it all. I left the house for a few days so that we could cool down, after agreeing we would speak again on Sunday. Well, he asked me for a divorce that day. He told me that the last few days of his life had been the most amazing he had had in months and that there is no way of fixing things. He also told me that one of the two had to go as soon as possible. In the end it was me, since after a very intense panic attack he called a friend and asked her to "come and take me away". I am at her house now. She has been extremely kind and is also shocked by the coldness and irresponsible behaviour.

I am just devastated. I do not know how to cope, since I have nothing left and am in a very bad place, psychologically. It has all been too much, and I feel like this divorce is the last straw. I don't know where to go, howe I can survive in this foreign country I know to little about, and how I can overcome this. I haven't slept or eaten for two days. I have always been an independent, resilient person, but I have never fallen this deep. How can one person go through all these events, all this pain, and keep going on?

Same problem again.

Tomorrow is my nephew’s birthday and it’s a milestone one. His mother (my sister, who I suspect also has BPD or something similar) is in an inpatient therapy program in a different state. My BIL invited the family to their house to celebrate all June birthdays (BIL and another sister’s daughter also have June birthdays). I told H I’m going to go but he’s free to do what he wants. He’ll be welcome if he wants to go, but it’s fine if he’d rather pass. He said he’d go.

Tonight, he asked what time I think we should leave tomorrow and I told him. Things deteriorated from there. He got more and more upset at the timing I suggested. He suggested he could meet me there and I said, “sure, that would be fine.” More anger.

Then he goes into another area he’s focused on before. “No one ever throws a party for me and my son. No one cares about us. So I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to go to stuff for them.” I tried validating, “I would feel bad if I felt like I was being slighted.” The thing is, in my family, people tend to host parties for themselves or their children (like my BIL is doing tomorrow). I said we can’t host something here since we don’t have room to comfortably host 17 people but we could consider inviting people to a restaurant. That also upset him. (And I also know that if we were to host something, he would flip out for weeks beforehand and then take it personally if anyone wasn’t able to be there due to other commitments).

I realize the big problem is he is scared about tomorrow. He desperately wants to be a part of the family, but he’s also so shy and intimidated that he can’t make the connection. So he lashes out. But it becomes frustrating and painful for me.

He gets very upset about SS15 not being a part of things, but SS has never shown the slightest interest in doing things with my family. When my parents have come to a baseball game, SS barely acknowledges them. I don’t really think he cares if he’s part of the family or not.

When he brought up his mother again and I told him if he feels we should go more often, he just needs to say so and we can make arrangements, he blew up that I’m putting it all on him. That his mom feels like she’s low priority and my family has expectations that we have to do everything with them. (Does she think that? No clue. H isn’t a reliable narrator.)

Out of nowhere, he told me that a former mentor of mine, whom we both know, complained about my potato salad years ago. Said “it’s fine.” That used to be my go-to for potlucks because it was one of the few things I knew how to make at the time and I always got lots of compliments. H’s comment threw me off because we weren’t talking about my salad or this mentor or anything even related. It did kind of hurt my feelings (probably a silly thing to feel hurt about).

The other issue: my parents joined a church where H had a bad experience. He knew they were going to do it wasn’t a surprise. They belonged to the church years ago when they lived here before and still have a lot of friends there. H says he’s over what happened, but keeps bringing it up how horrible it is that my parents go there when they know H had a bad experience.

I feel like I’m trying to minimize damage. I tell him he doesn’t have to go. I offer for us to do something and that’s not right either: He gets all worked up about things he assumes family members are doing or feeling when there is zero evidence. He’ll complain over and over about my family, then shoot back that I complain all the time about SS. The only negative thing I’ve said in weeks was when he took something that was mine (that I’d been looking forward to) from the freezer and ate it without asking. I wasn’t even that mad — just told him what had happened.

I understand a lot of what’s going on psychologically and emotionally, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish. Initially younger D said she asked older D not to come to dinner because she couldn't see how that would work. Then it turned into just younger D coming to dinner with us without either sibling so they can "do their own thing". The other kids constantly capitulate to the BPD kid's emotional needs and demands. They go along to get along as a survival mechanism. Younger D swears this will be easiest and what she wants is what is easiest. It really sucks and I'm so over it. Remembering all the other times. Like the time she set a fire in her bedroom trashbin after an amazing night out for her 12th birthday, or the time she phoned 911 and hung up from my mother's house during my grandmother's wake (yes, they were dispatched to investigate), or like this last Christmas when she threw a tantrum when she didn't receive her requested item and took the bus back home on Christmas Day. It's exhausting and I don't want to bother trying in the future.

I am surprised court would virtually reverse longstanding parenting simply to "make up for lost parenting time".  Most family courts are reluctant to make such a vast change without significant basis.  In my case, with court orders starting when my son was barely four years old, court made incremental changes over the years, just enough to handle the current issues that arose.

I would have expected a court, if adjustments were to be made, would have started with moving dad perhaps up to summers and alternating holidays, not for you to be shunted to the rear seat of parenting.

I think my BPD mother has acted up at almost every one of my milestones like graduation.  I wonder if they just can't seem to stand that the attention is on someone else. This is your younger D's graduation and her older sister is stirring the pot.

IMHO this day is about your younger D. It's also a day of pride and happiness for you. What I would do is ask your younger D what she would want to do on this day and let her decide. Does she want to go to dinner with you and then hang with her siblings? Or is she caught between them and you?

Just as your detachment isn't over, as @once removed said, hers may not be either, and if she's BPD, that would manifest itself in weird ways, like you're seeing (increased participation in the group, and moving near you).  But to be fair, her actions are making it harder for you to detach!  Harder to put someone out of mind and move on if they're right THERE. 

Maybe see if she just leaves on her own?  I know in my experience, BPDxw was always joining things and coming off as an enthusiastic participate, only to drop them and move on to something else, once the task involved actual work of some sort, or she saw that she couldn't bend the group to do whatever it was she imagined they'd do for her when she joined.

This is an unfortunate situation.  Can you find similar clubs elsewhere, and gradually limit your involvement in the one she's going to? 

If avoiding this particular group isn't practical, the advice I can offer would be to play defense and wait.  Don't speak ill of your ex, even if you're being candid and explaining things she actually did and said, or go with the "nuclear option."  You risk coming off as the unstable one; over time, people learn to be more skeptical of everything they hear, and so it is with people who air their bad laundry.  While people like gossip, they don't always instinctively side with the gossiper. 

Also, you mentioned that a couple people know her for who she is.  If she tries to pollute your reputation among the group, you could reach out to them to help clear the air, if they're willing. 

At most, if you want to be proactive here, reach out to those who have had negative experiences with her, and let them know what you're going through, maybe?  Do it privately, like meet for a drink or coffee and just tell them.  See what they think about the situation and her, and your options.  I don't know how formal of an organization this is, and whether anyone there could "ban" someone from showing up.  Presumably someone makes lists and invites and could kick someone off the mailing list if they had to. 

Just some thoughts that hopefully help you think through this. 

Oh looks like you already got the phone. 

I still think you have to physically limit access. 

The "parental settings" thing in my experience is a joke, and either renders the device harder to use, or doesn't really work at all.  We tried it.  I decided to just let my daughter use it as is (only in "public" in our living room) and trust she's not doing anything I wouldn't want her to do.  I have all the passwords and can see who she's texting and what about. 

She gets to chat and play in the mornings on the weekend, and sometimes take it when we go somewhere, but after a couple hours, has to do something that doesn't involve staring at a screen.

I agree with this.  The harm smart phones has done to our society is almost uncalculable, and the younger the mind, the worse the effect.  Hell, I'm in my 40's and sometimes I can't put my damn phone down and focus on work or just go to bed.  I can only imagine how awful that must be for kids.   

If you feel like you need to deliver on your promise, you can get him a phone but add some conditions, like you limit use and physically control access to it so he can't overuse it.  Also maybe tell him initially he can only use it at your house and you'll discuss allowing him to take it to his father's house later on if he shows he can handle it reasonably. 

Thank you so much Pook.  This was super helpful.

My gf has also brought up caretaking a child as being similar. To a large extent, I understand what this means. But it's helpful to hear what you said, which if I'm interpreting correctly means to truly refrain from taking things personally and being upset in order to actually be a calm source and foundation of support. Most of the time when I think, "think of them like a child who can't help themselves", it's more about excusing their behavior but still being upset by it and trying to bury that feeling, rather than actually overcoming it. Thank you.

One issue I still end up dealing with is that not being sufficient even when I can. I'm often asked to "fix the situation now", especially when I'm far away at work and hardly have time to even look at my phone. I'm often told that I'm "not trying to mend the problem" and "not taking care" of her. I would love for their to be specific things I can do to help other than assure them that I care and love them and hear and understand what they are feeling, but this has shown to be "not good enough".

One the second point: this seems really hard to do. When I try to say I need time to cool down before I say something I regret, she continues to insult me. In times where I've walked away, she's accused me of not caring. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's my responsibility to fix her being upset with me and her anger towards me, but that nothing I do works, and asking for what would be helpful is met with indignation that I'd even ask.

Thank you.