This.

The vitriol comes and goes. My pwBPD seems to be in a constant split/spiral/push-pull scenario at the moment. Yesterday it was calm for a few hours and then extreme. I'm taking the BIFF to heart. And being called a narcissist again and again. She's threatening this/that, but I just see a very sad, very alone, very angry human who can't keep from burning down all the bridges around her. I no longer feel an empathetic draw to her; I'm annoyed, now. Eager for her to cycle down so we can get a mediator involved and try to move this thing along.

I hate texting with her. Talking to her makes me lose respect each time.  It's odd to see this woman who I once loved become a tiny, shrinking shell of a being  who I no longer respect. That might be encapsulated in her responses of "you never loved me" and "you hate me" and "you have never respected me." And the newest one, "you bought and trapped me in this house knowing exactly what you were doing, and planning to never change!"  Wow... talk about a commitment to the bit from me, were that the case. What's fun? Taking my  mentally ill, psychologically imbalanced wife with Borderline, buying a home, moving in, and then moving out! Yup. That's real. That's a real perspective.

Truth be told...  I have continued to lose respect for her day after day for eight years. Until I hit the end of my bucket a little over a month ago.

There is no redeeming this; my confliction is dissipating. She'll try and be controlling/destructive with the kids, and it'll cost her more than me. They're strong boys.

People with Borderline deserve to be understood. This doesn't necessitate loving them. I am not obligated to be in love with her or to continue this marriage... don't know why it took me so long to accept that.

I believe that when you set a precedent of treating a person a certain way (she/me) you lose right to mandated validation and understanding. I no longer owe the obligation of absorbing the blame, accepting the false realities, or validating a perpetual cycle of emotional dysregulation.

Naming it outload has been helpful. I'm no longer in fear. I'm almost  laughing as I try and guess what extreme she'll take it to, next. It's all silly, sad, and a catastrophic collapse of a moment.

Pluie, five days of sick leave and a friend's spare room is you taking care of yourself, not falling apart. That is worth naming out loud.

What got me was him being cheerful about the suitcases and then cooking and sitting close on the couch like nothing was happening. That mix of pushing the divorce and acting like a couple would tie anyone's nervous system in knots. You are not weak for collapsing under it.

And the mocking, saying you act out to torture him. Four days of panic attacks is your body doing what bodies do under grief, not a performance for an audience. You do not have to argue that point with him. Save your breath for people who already get it, including the ones here.

"I will love you like I never was" - that line stopped me cold. You wrote a better sentence over that newborn than most of us manage in a lifetime of trying, and nothing that has happened since cancels it. It is still the truest thing in the room.

"One day at a time" is exactly the right size for this. Reasoning and proving were never going to land, because the courtroom was never real - it only felt like one from the inside.

When a hard day comes and the old verdicts start up again, it helps to already have one small thing on the calendar that has nothing to do with him. Coffee with your partner, a walk, a class, anything that is yours. Not because it fixes anything - because it is evidence for a defense that actually exists.

Really glad you are here, and glad you answered.

What stands out to me is the "care manager" position you've been put in - calling the doctors, making the appointments she sometimes ignores. It's exhausting, and it also quietly reverses the roles: you become the parent pushing a reluctant kid toward the dentist, and nobody's spouse in that setup.

One reframe that might help with the defensive pushback: for a partner carrying chronic shame, "you need more help" often lands as "you're broken and failing again" - so the pushback you get is probably about the shame, not the suggestion. Things that tend to work better than pushing:

- Frame it around what she wants, not what's wrong with her. Chronic pain + depression feed each other; if the pain got even 30% better her mood would follow. "I hate seeing the pain win - what would it take to get that looked at properly?" is about the pain, not her character.
- Offer choices instead of directives. Two options she picks between ("Thursday morning or the doctor near your work?") gives her control, which is the thing the pushback is defending.
- Attend with her if she'll let you. "Come with me to a consult" gets a different reception than "go see someone."

And one thing nobody says to people in your spot: with kids at 3 and 4 she's in the heaviest load years of her life, and you're carrying the whole scaffolding around her. Who's in your corner? What does she say the depression feels like from the inside, when she'll talk about it at all?

Yeah, I always felt like this was the case and the couple times I hinted at it, I got shut down very quickly.
I am sorry that you had to go through so much hardship. It is horrible feeling like the one person in the world that is supposed to make you feel safe actually makes you feel the least safe you have ever felt. But i suppose that is how they feel about every partner they have. Very tragic. Hard to not feel compassion for them even though you want to shake them.

Yes, it's insane.  And the text that accompanied the accusation is even more so. Anyone would read it and say he is completely unhinged but it still hurts. Especially given both of our pasts with sexual abuse and assault.

I was definitely on the verge of sending him a simplified version of my letter last night and decided against it. Literally pulled up to my therapy appt this morning and got the screenshots from my friend. While it makes it easier to kill the love, it also makes me feel even worse for him.  I hate that I still feel so responsible for him.

I hope this sort of thing helps you see who you were dealing with, and stop internalizing the pain and self doubt.  You just dodged a bullet.  Had you married this guy, or worse, had kids with him, you'd be in for years of this sort of thing.

You asked earlier what sort of abuse we dealt with.  Like @ForeverDad said, it varies per person. 

I never dealt with physical abuse, but a lot of mental and emotional abuse; a lot of fights, screaming matches, and then hysterical sobbing.  My ex also loved to pick fights with my family members, really nasty fights, and then corner me, like "who's side are you on?" 

She did once admit that her goal was to isolate me from friends and family, so I would be too alone to leave her.  She really underestimated me, because I saw through it.  It was still not easy to deal with, but if her goal was to preserve her marriage, she was too clever by a half, because her actions made me lose any sort of respect or affection for her whatsoever, and indeed, went ahead and divorced her

When you start to have doubts about this, it's helpful to keep a go-to file of some sort to jog your memory. 

I know generally speaking "holding on to that rage" is a bad idea, but in this context, it can help to keep the right perspective as you move forward and re-establish yourself, outside of the chaos of BPD and what it does to your sense of self.  It's not forever, just until you are truly apart from her and single. 

And when communicating with her (if you have to), the best advice I received was "ignore the editorial"... only respond to what - if anything - needs a response.  This is also consistent with Bill Eddy's "BIFF" method for communicating with high-conflict people: keep all communications Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. 

So she sends you something like "When are you picking up XYZ?  I am so tired of you being late and never following through. Will you ever learn to be a decent partner and human being?  Probably too much to expect."

You respond: "Hi, thanks for your email.  I'll be by at 6." 

And that's it.  That response will take the wind out of her sails... you're polite (which is disarming), you don't argue any points, you don't include anything she can get upset over.  She got the information she claimed she wanted, and can go stew if she wants, but you're not doing anything to raise the temperature. 

and if nothing deserves a response, don't even respond.  You don't have to any more, and I think for a BPD looking for a fight, no response is worse than any response.

Hello everyone.  I am currently struggling to help my wife with what seems to be overwhelming depression.   She was diagnosed with BPD 15 years ago before we were together.  She has been through DBT several times and most of the time is able to use her skills to control her emotions.  Its gotten harder since we have had children (3 and 4).  She also has some pretty bad chronic pain issues that are really bringing her down. 

The depression is really bad lately.  It's hard to get her to see doctors for her physical issues.  When I try to push for her to get more help, thats when I get unreasonable pushback.  She gets very defensive.  I have been the one calling doctors and making appointments for her, which she sometimes goes to and sometimes just ignores.  Not sure exactly where I am going with this but I just wanted to reach out and see if there was anyone else out there trying to unlock the puzzle of BPD and depression.  Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

 

Wow, so much wisdom in this thread and so many great analogies.  We are not pincushions, texts are not to-do lists, and so forth.  And I really like the point that the fact that you feel guilt doesn't mean that you did something wrong.  I think that's one of the hardest misconceptions to overcome.