Hi Pook075 ,

Congratulations for having a good relationship with all of those three people that suffer from BPD. You could even write about it in the success stories thread. But does your daughter live with you? I'm guessing she doesn't.

The whole point of this thread is how to handle it when the pwBPD wants to keep destroying your well-being and they are in the best place to do so, in your bed.

I don't think you can find someone who is living with a BPD partner and is able to make it work using just skills and compassion, because this is impossible. Unless they are under a serious threat of separation. The threat is only taken seriously if it has already happened before forcefully, and it can clearly happen again at any time, forcefully again.

My wife says she suffered a lot on every occasion in which she was away from me. But I think she didn't learn any lesson from those experiences because none of those occasions was a forceful separation.


Yes, being detached can be seen as a boundary, but it doesn't really work when living together, because I'm at a close distance. So she can just keep shouting, cursing, throwing objects at me, using the kids in different ways to provoke me, or throwing stuff in the trash.

But your understanding of her behavior is not precise. What I said about her walking nude and being unwell is not manipulation. It is a genuine and automatic behavior that she does when she feels the need for proximity, even while she is still very angry.

I'm self-sufficient to a point that I don't need her affection. I actually feel relieved when I am a few days away from her. So she isn't able to manipulate me at all, but she can easily turn my life into hell regardless, only because we still live together.

You said "if you don't swoop back in....boom", but that's not true. She has never exploded because I didn't "swoop back in". What I said is the opposite, that she turns down the volume when I'm distant for too long.

After I keep myself detached for many days, she stops getting angry at the flip of a hat and then starts using different tactics. She may sleep on the couch, hoping that I'll feel lonely, may make theatrical acts to make me jealous about other men, or may turn into a kind and lovely wife.

For a very long time, I have been planning to keep myself emotionally distant from her, permanently, but I always end up relaxing and forgetting about it.

Thanks for sharing your ideas and what's worked for you. I've been thinking about what you wrote, and I guess I feel some resistance to it. If it were up to some changes in my communication to make things better, wouldn't that mean that the illness is somewhat in my control? It doesn't appear that way for me. I think I'm trying to get clear on what's really within the realm of possibility, and what I can really offer in a relationship with a pwBPD, and I feel like I'm at a turning point. I feel so exhausted, my desire and intimacy with my partner has really eroded, and I dream about being alone. My partner is also my best friend, and I feel horrible about the idea of ending the relationship, for both of our sakes. But it hardly seems fair to me or to her to continue when I don't really feel willing or able.

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for about 5 years now, this community helped me muster the courage to do it, so thanks.

Might go to court to get custody of our child. Anyone who has been through a custody trial here that can help me out? Answer some questions and give some advice?

Thanks

It is truly astonishing how similar all these stories are. I, too, know that in the end I am ‘to blame,’ that I am labelled “cold” when I distance myself, and that our relationship is described as ‘we have nothing! That's not love! You can't communicate.’ The trigger may lie in his family of origin (his father repeatedly brutalises him – he is highly narcissistic, but my partner can't break away from that), but he doesn't dare to vent his anger there. But he dares to do so with ME. In a matter of seconds, I am the bad guy, all the blame is placed on me, ‘offences’ on my part that happened years ago are dug up – and then the relationship is declared over.

The interesting thing is that in such moments he manages to tell me seriously that HE is doing everything he can to maintain the relationship, but that I am ruining everything by withdrawing. He either doesn't notice that I withdraw because he has become totally abusive and takes out his anger on me, which actually has nothing to do with me, or he successfully represses it.

I repeatedly suspect that there is also a lot of shame defence at play – e.g. in the form of projection.

But despite all my understanding of the mechanisms behind it, my nervous system immediately sounds the alarm. While he can simply flip the switch again (either after a few minutes or even after weeks of silence and blocking me), I can no longer do that.

 



The last situation was ‘only’ about him drinking alcohol on New Year's Eve and sending me confused messages while heavily intoxicated, alternately devaluing me and bombarding me with love (he has alcoholism as a comorbidity to BPD/NPD, but had been sober for almost five months) and trying to call me in the middle of the night. He NEVER calls me – unless he's drunk. I've been telling him for a year that I don't want any contact when he's drunk because it's dangerous for me. But two days later, he managed to reproach me for not calling him back. My explanation that I first need to know whether he is sober led to an escalation. It is not his drinking behaviour and his disparaging remarks that are the root of the problem. No. I am the problem because I withdraw and am therefore not a partner.
I should have known that he was in crisis. His whole family is going to die soon. But I didn't even ask about it. Arguments that he didn't tell me, but only disparaged me when he was drunk, are not even taken into account.

It's a violent mechanism and it always feels like running into a wall. Sometimes my whole body trembles from the Stress.

Thank you, I appreciate your suggestions. Things are not going well. Thank you for your support.

I too think that anger/arguing is an addiction for many of them. I noticed this a lot, in that when things were going GREAT (little to no arguing, laughing, dates, cuddling, lots of sex, etc) she'd fabricate something out of thin air. She NEEDED to argue. Lots of times over things we already sorted out and got over, or so I thought. I think they cannot find comfort in peace and feel smothered, so they force the fear of abandonment to level out their emotions. She'd read books about dating narcissistic men. She also said her friend, after hearing her one sided stories recommended her to read 'Why does he do that? - Inside the mind of angry and controlling men'. She said she cried endlessly reading it and wanted me to read it so I could see how I treat her. I refused, and said that me reading that shows I believe that is the type of person I am. I said I'm willing to discuss certain situations, but not discuss how I'm a horrible person at my core and the root of our problems.

Controlling to her = you cannot live with your ex-fiance if we're dating. You're not allowed to scream and curse at me when upset (that's just how I argue -her). Please don't wear actual see-through spandex shorts and a bra to the gym (after telling me people continuously approach her asking about sex, holding conversations with them and befriending them, her words not me exaggerating). Things like that. 

Yes. with my pwBPD it is not psych. topics as with yours, but topics I reckon would be called ' rage bait. ' spending to much time on angry topics then ranting at me to work out their feelings on tings i am helpless to solve. and then geting angrier stil if I do not agree fully or don't seem as emotional about the issuer as they are. I believe that for some bpd ppl anger is an addiction. they go out seeking things they know will make them angry. I see it at home with the social media stuff and in other ways as well.

I'm going to be blunt and I apologise in advance, because I always try to assume the best and respond accordingly.

Your daughter is 26 years old and in Grad school - she is not "living with a groomer", and the minor age gap is not even worth mentioning when telling her story except in an effort to infantilise her. Similarly you say she feels less valued than her siblings - well you told me her brothers are doctors and their opinions...before you told me anything about her...so while you may not ACTUALLY value her less than them, your communication habits may contribute to her feelings.

That said, BPD is obviously a problem with the person who has it - but it also isn't something people are born with; it's largely tied to adverse child events (ACEs) particularly ones that cause early failure to bond with parents in a healthful fashion. "Something went wrong, somewhere" - but we don't have time machines as parents, all we can do is learn the skills to help them and us adapt and improve. If you look at "Caretakers of BPD" type lessons, you'll learn GRAY MAN type behaviors that can help with DBT-style home therapy to help avoid triggers; some people find it a life-changer for sure.

When you say "She never accused of anything like that before", what sort of accusations is she making? Obviously not all accusations are true, especially when dealing with BPD people where some will drift near fantasy-prone in an attempt to escape any personal responsiblity - but it might still offer an insight into how she's constructing things in her mind to unpack exactly what her accusations are.

All that said, it seems like this fiancee is the real struggle for you and your husband to accept; he gets mentioned again and again - I know more about him than I do about you or your daughter, from your telling.

I don't have a success story. It's just the distancing thing that has never happened. I think real success is only possible after years of effective treatment and a ton of motivation on their part to get better. My advice is to support her along the treatment, without getting too involved, and never bring her to move in into your place, and don't get her pregnant. Not until she fully recovers, if that ever happens.