Hi PathFinder1,

Did you say that his rants of anger are never directed at you? If he is not hostile/aggressive, then this should be kind of easier to handle. You would just have to validate his feelings and slowly make him feel comfortable expressing himself in a constructive way. But to improve his self-image and self-worth, he would need professional treatment, I guess.

When you ask "how to handle this pattern," are you trying to help him or to help yourself? I mean, it's unclear if you are getting affected by this or not.

PS: my previous message got broken, so I'm resending

She has left today. Our last day together wasn't too bad. Things are going ok, as planned. Here is what she has just sent me:



This is the translation to English:

“I love you, [name], I’m with you, I’m with you.”
“<crying face><heart>”
“I love you, okay? I’m crying here.”
“Because I wanted to be there.”
“But I’m going to do everything possible to have peace here, to get better… not to lose my temper, etc.”

It seems like I won't have to worry much about enforcing boundaries now, but I'm worried about our time together. If things go well, then the next step would be to invite her to spend the weekend here at my place. But I'm afraid she could get angry with something and become disrespectful, then I'll get frustrated and not want her here anymore, and she will pick up my emotion and escalate her anger and maybe even refuse to leave. I need to find a solution for this problem.

She has left today. Our last day together wasn't too bad. Things are going ok, as planned. Here is what she has just sent me:



This is the translation to English:

“I love you, [name], I’m with you, I’m with you.”
“

There is a legal process that likely your lawyer can explain more thoroughly than I can.  The short explanation is that once a final decree is made then the court order - custody and parenting details - is considered the final one.

That is why our collective wisdom in peer support is that we more reasonably normal parents need to seek the best (or least bad) initial temp order and the same for the final decree's adjustments.  The best for our children, which of course means the best for the reasonably normal parent.  We still have to deal with the disordered parent but that's less of a priority.

But the other parent is still disordered.  And no order works perfectly over time no matter how had we try.  The way to make a subsequent change in the USA is to file for Change of Circumstances.  To make a major change of custody is a big deal, legally speaking.  Basically it says that the existing order is unworkable, why you need a greater amount of legal authority in custody and/or the parenting schedule and solutions you propose to improve a new order.

In my case we had already made use of a child psychiatrist who was the evaluator in our Custody Evaluation.  For my Change of Circumstances we used a Guardian ad Litem, a child's advocate.  Ours was a respected GAL, I was fortunate since some claiming to be GALs may be new lawyers inexperienced with resolving the parent/child relationships.

However, I noticed that my GAL and the judge tried to play both sides, so neither of us won but neither lost either.  At the time we each had equal custody and equal parenting time.  I had filed for custody as well as majority parenting time.  Well, I gained custody (guardianship) but my ex didn't lose equal parenting time.  The GAL explained it would allow ex to continue getting child support.

It still wasn't a fix but it was better.  My authority, previously disrespected and obstructed, was a bit more clearly defined.  A couple years later, after her disparagement and playing games with exchanges continued, I went back to court and got majority parenting schedule too.

Got it in one. I think the prevalence might come from how blatant autistic people can be. There’s really no need to read social cues or in between the lines because there is none. If we’re upset we’ll say it, if we need something we ask, etc. I think the other thing might be the pattern recognition. Being able to figure out what triggers our pwBPD and how to help or be better. Especially with the cyclical nature of what splits and breakdowns can look like (at least I’ve noticed with my bf).
That being said the biggest issue I have is adapting to the unpredictable nature of BPD. I’m looking for rules and guidelines with so many things but what’s okay one day might not be the next.
When I was reading “The Autistics Guide to Self-Discovery” by Sol Smith, he had a part talking about how it’s hard from autistic people to deal with conflict with others because of the practical nature of their thinking. He described it as the hypothetical argument being a stage. Most autistic people will want to pause the “scene”, step back, look behind the curtains and figure out what’s really going on and what’s behind everything. I absolutely see myself in this analogy.
I think especially when you have a “scene partner” with BPD it can be even more infuriating for them to have us do so because they are so caught up in what is happening on stage.
I’ve found that sometimes even the smallest little arguments can turn into something bigger, mostly because they will say something that makes me think of something else. I’ll ask the why behind certain ways of saying things or reactions they had and it will just cause a bigger issue.
The hardest part is that I know that due to their fragile sense of identity they seem to see any question of reaction or idea as an attack on them when in reality it just comes from my curiosity and willingness to understand them and their way of thinking.
It’s even worse when later they’ve completely moved on from it but I still have questions or concerns about stuff.
Idk I’m rambling but this has been a pattern I’ve seen.

ChoosingPeace, this therapist isn't her "personal" therapist. She has one of those that she found on the same platform. This therapist was only supposed to be a "family therapist", but she's nonetheless taken appointments with my daughter seperate from me, and has stayed online with me at times that my daughter logged off of a session. I don't really want to make this about the therapist, although I really seen or heard anything from her that has impressed me, especially the not even attempting to lay down or enforce ground rules for communication. She's definitely not what my daughter or I need though, and I have no problem telling her that. BPD is a complex mental health disorder and it needs to be addressed by a provider who fully understands it and can competently treat it.

Hi MrManager ,

I have checked your previous messages. You didn't express much about your concerns regarding child custody. I see you said your ex-wife "has threatened a few times to take the kid and move out of state." But I think the courts will need objective evidence that your kid feels safe with you and not with his other mom. So unless you have evidence of child abuse, I think it will all be about the socio-psychological evaluation that some professional does with each member of both families. Otherwise, it should be balanced. But if your kid is already attending school, you can use the school to do all permutations so that you don't have to meet your ex (perhaps only on school vacations). That means one day you leave at school and she gets to school, and another day it is vice versa.

Now that I saw Pook075's response, I'll open a parenthesis.

I don't think you can call for police and just say that your children don't feel safe with him in the house, because such a statement doesn't indicate that a crime has occurred or is about to occur. Calling police should really be only the last resort. If you can avoid the conflict by leaving the house, that's preferred.

My wife just left our rented house today. I am trying to make sure she feels loved while leaving, because I want to promote the best possible outcome. I have been asking for her to leave for more than one year, and she refused until I was really about to leave myself.

What does that say about the BPD partner? It says that their nonsensical arguments and behavior only happen within certain bounds, while they still think there is room to behave like that. But once they hit a wall, they begin to be reasonable and act rationally. For my wife, the wall was the fear of being removed from our rented place by the police, who would be called by the landlord after I ended the renting contract.

So yes, you should be ready to call the police if needed and do it the hard way, but unless you are at risk of a life-threatening situation, you should first try to make your husband run out of options (hit a wall) so he can cooperate with some sort of separation (something temporary at least). I say that because cooperation is always preferred, even more so because you don't want to break up the relationship.

I was told it was unethical to do family therapy with an established therapist for one of the parties. The therapist will have understandably have a natural bias towards their own client. If this was your daughter’s therapist doing the “family therapy” that’s a huge red flag.

This book was helpful in that I now understand what I’m dealing with and helping me see my situation for what it is. Basically, I will continue to walk on eggshells as long I have a relationship with someone who has BPD. It helped me to realize I don’t want to live like this. I actually want to stop walking on eggshells! So I’m going no contact until a healthy, honest, and loving relationship is truly possible.