Thanks, so many great comments and warnings! I really appreciate all the continued support. I know many of you have already gone through similar situations.

For clarification when I say “kids” they are my adult kids, my daughter is 19 and my son is 21. The 21-year-old is disabled and we are currently joint guardians. If my timeline holds, I’m planning to tell my wife when my daughter is out of state visiting family. And I won’t do it alone in the house. It will either be public or possibly leaving the paperwork. There is a good idea with me and my son out out of the house.

Also, just a quick update before I respond in comment on some of the people‘s responses here, we had a family day planned yesterday to an event that my wife bought tickets for the family for Christmas. This was a very rare thing indeed, she usually doesn’t spend money on the family like this. We were all looking forward to it, but she started the day off with me asking about planning for a vacation vacations for this year. We’ve already discussed it and I’ve been pretty clear that I’m not gonna go on any vacations until I know we can save for it. But that was the note the day started out on. As the day went on first of all, she drank four drinks before consuming any food early afternoon. Then she got mad because she didn’t feel valued enough for doing this incredible thing for the family. I’d already set a couple times during the day with the kids present thanking her and calling out the fact that she did this. Never mind I’m paying for this stuff all the time. When she doesn’t even a small act, she wants a parade. Things escalated as the day went on and it pretty much ruined another family day out. No surprises. In a way I was glad because with the time ticking, this should probably be the last family day out like that with her present. The day ended with her talking about a Bible study, and how I’m not following what the Bible says in putting their wives above everything else, I don’t think that’s what the Bible meant… She keeps pressing for a couples therapy, which I’ve told her I won’t do until she makes progress and can regulate herself emotionally during these times. I ended up in the spare room. Anyway, the big thing is she went to look for apartments today! She didn’t tell me, but we use Life360 and it alerted she left the house. Her email is set up on my phone so I saw she had made a number of appointments for apartments. I imagine most likely this is some sort of escalation to get my attention since the usual threats and things aren’t getting me to cave in or chase her. But there’s a piece of me that is cheering inside. Praying that she’s serious and she’s gonna move out. That would make this amazing and so much easier. She hasn’t revealed any of this to me about the apartment so I’m just gonna play dumb unless she brings it up.

I’m initially serving her with three items, not the filing for the divorce. It’s going to be a letter with a statement of intent. Our preliminary agreement basically saying we’re gonna split everything 50-50 and my financial affidavit.

I’m in Florida and I believe mediation is mandatory, there isn’t much to quibble over except for alimony. 

FD - you said to be careful because she may be sensing something is in the air. I was literally just talking to my therapist about this and I think 100%. She’s sensing something, despite my best effort efforts to keep the status quo. For one I’m just not reacting like I used to. But I can tell she’s getting more serious and I think she can sense that there’s something different…

Several people commented to be cautious because things can go sideways quickly. I hundred percent believe that. It’s weird how trauma buttons make us forget how bad things are sometimes or how abusive and terrible our pwBPDs can be. I expect more than likely. It will be a very bad reaction. I’m gonna be doing my best to spend a little time around her as possible, and always be recording if I’m in her presence. And most definitely during the time I disclose my intention to divorce. I haven’t figured it out exactly but it will not be in the house. Just us two.

I have no intention or desire to save the marriage. I mean, I hope nothing but the best for her I sincerely do but it’s gonna be without me. And it’s nice to think that maybe one day far away in the future we can be amicable with each other. But I’m not counting on that certainly not anytime soon.

Yoch - in theory that would be great, but in our state absolutely cannot do that. Unless there is an order of protection, both of us have equal right to remain in the house. So I can’t move her out while she’s gone. We can’t force the other to leave.

They are not many funds in joint accounts. I keep a small balance in there every couple of weeks just to pay the month-to-month bills. But absolutely that account will be near or at zero dollars before I tell her.

CC43 - I laughed out loud a little bit because I think that in my head and I’m probably posted it somewhere and certainly told people that before. I think of how poorly and abusive she’s treated me now when we’re supposed to be married and she’s supposed to love me. How bad could I possibly get when she knows we’re divorcing and there’s no chance of reconciliation 

As far as access to financial accounts or other things, I have a list of everything we have shared passwords for, and I’ve slowly been going through and changing those. Those will be changed at least a few days before I tell her. She already doesn’t have access to my banking.

Yeah, there’s no good way to do this as you all know. It’s kind of funny for years, a decade or more, especially I’ve struggled to find the right words, how do I phrase things, how do I time conversation conversations? None of it works, it doesn’t matter! And this won’t be any different, but I just need to try to keep myself out of the line of fire.

I really hope she’s serious about this apartment situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if her mother-in-law is supporting her in this, I mean, nothing would make me happier! But it could easily be a ploy to gauge my reaction when she tells me. So I also have to play it kind of cool . I don’t think it makes everything go away for sure but if this turns out for her thinking, this is more her idea, that wouldn’t be “as “bad.

Yup, this was my take on the reaction completely. My daughter tends to make stuff up on the spot. I don't know what she is hearing, or who she is hearing it from. What I do know is that I'm the enemy and anything I could say or do is suspect and subject to telling me I'm lying/gaslighting/blaming.

I know I've read it here and heard it in other places as well, I just want my daughter back. I don't understand this whole thing and honestly I don't know how I became the evil gollum that makes her lash out at me. I love my daughter. With all my heart. All I really DO get from her is vitriol and bile. I'm the cause of all of her trauma and I'm to "apologize" for something but I don't know what exactly. Even when I do apologize, she doesn't hear it. It's all very disheartening and makes me very sad.

Yes, Mutt,

I'm not expecting any advice on the pharmacological treatment itself.

However, I am still concerned about her adherence. When she is here, adherence is easy, since I can just put it in her mouth. But when she is in her mom's house, she forgets, and I try to remind her, but my reminders are not always effective since being there tends to make her frustrated and oppositional. Very childish.

Frequently, communication becomes so hard and unpleasant. If I keep the conversation going, she might remain in the self-feeding drama loop. For instance, now she is creating paranoid thoughts about it. However, when I don't maintain a conversation, she tends to gradually drift away from the medication. I think it's because she links the treatment to me. I'm her motivation source. She won't do it for herself.

It's a difficult situation. I feel like I need to replace instant messaging with some other, more effective way of communication. She leaves behind too many of my messages, skimps on reads, and even gets the audio messages she gets wrong because she hears them in 2x while interacting with the baby at the same time. I have searched for some walkie-talkie apps, but they won't work since she is completely averse to the possibility of her mom or sister listening to our conversation, so she only listens to my audio messages using headphones.

I read this in another's thread, but wanted to comment in one of your threads.  I didn't want to go on a sidebar in another's topic.

It was your daughter who said "her psychologist and therapist both think that having a family session would only be further gaslighting her", right?  You didn't actually communicate with her psychologist or therapist, right?  Ponder that.

So, in reality you don't know what, if anything, the professionals discussed with her.  Those were her words, her interpretations or perhaps just her reactions to what you suggested.  And you know her perceptions are skewed away from normal.

Apologies are a funny thing because when we give them, they tend to benefit us more than the other person.  With mental illness in the mix though, there's often an actual need for the other person to hear an apology.

We all know that apologizing for something that we didn't do is counter-productive with a person suffering from BPD.  It validates the invalid in their mind and can often turn into a way to manipulate.

However, we can apologize for the other person's feelings...which are always valid.  I'm sorry if I hurt you.  I'm sorry that you felt that way.  I'm sorry you felt like I did that to harm you; I would never want that.  I'm sorry I didn't state how I felt more plainly.

There's lots to apologize for if we're being honest.

BPD is a mental illness centered around feelings.  It's safe to apologize for feelings and that's what truly matters.  The stuff being argued about?  Not so much, it's unimportant since it's more about raging in the moment and showing that something is very off.  That's why focusing on feelings and apologizing for hurt feelings is so effective.

I'm in the same situation. My daughter reached out after I asked if she'd be amenable to doing family therapy with the assessment that her psychologist and therapist both think that having a family session would only be further gaslighting her. Even though I've said I'd be willing to go a therapist of her choice because when I suggested a therapist that was unacceptable as well because the therapist I'd choose would be "on my side" and aid in the "gaslighting".

My daughter constantly requires that I "apologize" and "take responsibility" for my behavior but honestly I have no idea what kind of apology will ever suffice or what behavior I'm meant to address. I'm told I should go to therapy on my own but that she won't engage with me until I "apologize". I've said repeatedly to her that I do apologize for hurting her feelings if I have done so in the past and would like to find a path forward for both of us, but she purposely maligns that notion.

Reading this post as well as others who seem to say that their adult BPD children ask for unreasonable apologies for slights or wrongs that only they seem to know we've done and regardless of how many apologies are made, are never enough, then what is it we're meant to do?

It’s good to hear some hope in your post. Just a quick note that the board usually stays away from getting into medication or treatment specifics since none of us are clinicians. Where people here tend to be most helpful is around the relationship side of things. I’d be interested in hearing more about how the separation and the start of DBT are changing the dynamic between you two.

Hi CrimsonBlue,

Thanks for the update. It's nice to know you were brave enough to go through this and stand firm. Congratulations.

I'm sorry for the miscarriage. Stress can do that as a normal process of the body. My wife said she also had a miscarriage years before knowing me, in a previous relationship in which she was being beaten up. I can't be sure if the pregnancy part was true, though, since fabricating lies is almost a compulsion for her, and once she makes up one, she never retracts it. Though today her lies are minor, because she doesn't want to get caught.

Once my wife became afraid that she could have had a miscarriage because she felt something drop in the toilet, but it was just a blood clot or something. But blood exams are the safe and easy way to confirm or refute a pregnancy.

In regard to your feelings, try not to feel responsible for her or for what happened, and instead, blame it on the disorder.

Hi, new here, does dBPD mean diagnosed BPD? Thank you

Happy Birthday!  (May I say, I am happy for you & jealous!  I wish my daughter would acknowledge ANY holiday...!) but....than (if it is like I remember, your heart pounds in "anticipation yet worry!) I, personally, (though, I am always SEEKING advice!) think I would (whatever form of communication you both share) simply say, thank you (I always add, hope you are well and I love you) I always say, to the group, it makes me sad, that it must be a flow chart on how to speak to our children, however, such is the life of BPD....I just met with my BPD therapist, who advised me, to grasp the reality....I "grieve for the daughter I "want" and need to accept the daughter I "have"....I hope it goes the way you want