In such a case (a pistol threat), it is totally understandable that you called police. However, if the problem was sorted and she does not have access to it anymore, and you are not under threat, then what's the purpose of the restraining order? Is it because that was the only way to get her to move out? If yes, then I completely understand you.

If that's the situation, then I think it is a good idea to modify the restraining order to allow digital communication (given that your attorney grants it).

She came at me with a pistol. At the moment, I felt it was going to be suicide in front of me or a murder suicide. 

Thinking back now, she probably just wanted to threaten me that she was going to kill herself while in the heat of the moment.  Any way you slice it it was completely wrong.  None-the-less, I do not believe I am at risk of violence by her.

That's interesting that it seems most bipolar cases are evident at earlier ages.  My SIL's father was first diagnosed around the time that she married into the family.  So her father was probably around 50.  He isn't personality disordered like his daughter is, though.  And SIL was diagnosed in her early 40s.  

It is so strange to see her as manic.  I feel like me and my mom's relationship with her has been different than other people.  Because when I see her manic, I can see some differences --she talks faster, she's less filtered, I don't think she sleeps much.  But other than that, she doesn't seem that different.  Yeah, it's hard to imagine how this develops over the coming years.   Since she had two manic episodes two years in a row, I wonder if this is just how it's going to be.  

Hi Anonymous22,

Nice to know he is also in DBT. Sorry if I missed that. But yet this will take long. If you are lucky, in one year you'll see great progress. But it could take 10 years.

Your last post made me think that he might have ADHD, which could explain his aloofness with the kids and forgetfulness of your plans. Did he struggle in school as a kid? Maybe if you research deeper on the symptoms, you can build up your opinion on this diagnostic possibility. Unlike BPD, the ADHD treatment (pharmacological) is very quick. Stimulants are effective in half an hour, and non-stimulants in 3 weeks.

Hi PainLovePain ,

It's hard to give you advice on the restraining order without knowing what actually happened. And yet this is very individual. It depends on who your wife is, what she is capable of doing, and how you feel about it. The thing you felt was threatened was your life, someone else's life, your property, or something else?

Thank you all for your responses over the past couple of days.  I'm plodding along.  I am still getting hit with grief waves, an aching heart, and general sadness over her and the relationship.  Yesterday, I went out with a friend and truly had one of the most relaxing, stress free, generally enjoyable evenings I've had in years.  It was liberating, and while driving home I felt the best I've felt in years.  It was great.  Today, I'm kind of back in the dumps again but recalling the feelings from yesterday gives me hope.  I know I'm still raw and have a ton of healing to do, but now I have a glimpse into what good could feel like. 

I've decided to not send money to her.  She has a storage unit full of really nice stuff I bought her over the years.  If she gets desperate enough, she has the ability to sell things.  This has the same dollar impact of me sending money to her but also shows her that sacrifice is sometimes a result.  Also, I'm just assuming she's sad and glum and feeling the way I do with no money in her pockets.  She could be out partying it up and feeling great.  There's no way for me to know either way, and it's weak of me to make assumptions that she's hurting like I am. 

I'm going to speak to an attorney prior to the court date and explore whether or not I should modify the restraing order to allow digital communication only.  I don't think I want to shut the door 100% closed permanently.  I think maybe allowing some type of texting could help both of us, and as long as I enforce a necessity for demonstrable change to continue conversations I could be ok.  I'd love to hear opinions around this course of action...

Hi there,

I don't know anyone with both NPD and bipolar.  I do know someone close to me with diagnosed BPD, and someone else with undiagnosed NPD.  Both have self-medicated with illicit/unprescribed substances, and I'm certain that the drugs exacerbated some of their more deleterious behaviors.  There have been times when more "psychotic" episodes from them have coincided with heavier drug use.  The "psychotic" behaviors seemed to go into "remission" when they were hospitalized and cut off from the drug source. 

I'm just mentioning this because, though I'm no expert, I understood that bipolar typically emerges in early adulthood.  That your SIL's bipolar behaviors emerged in her 40s seems unexpected.  I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just wondering if something else is going on, or is a triggering condition, such as a reaction to medications.

Having said that, the pwNPD in my life can exhibit extremely aggressive behaviors.  He has gotten into trouble with police for harassing-type behavior.  There was one incident where the police held him for several hours, and he became increasingly agitated and aggressive, but they couldn't figure out why he was acting so weirdly--he wasn't just drunk or high.  He made threats, but since he didn't actually follow through, the police couldn't book him.  The police called around to try to get someone to take him in, but nobody would.  They ended up taking him to the hospital, where he was treated for a few weeks.  Let's just say this wasn't an isolated incident--the police have a file on him, and that's why they were able to call around to ask someone to take him.  And the reason nobody would take him is that his NPD behavior is too much to handle.  He is in a bad way, and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't live much longer, cutting his life short by 30-40 years.  I don't know if he'll get in a fight, a car wreck, OD on drugs/alcohol or succumb to physical system failures (failing kidney, liver, heart attack, stroke?).  It is very sad.  But since he's NPD (in all likelihood), he thinks he's "special" and would never admit to having any sort of problem, whether a physical ailment, mental health issue or otherwise.  Though he loves the attention he gets at the hospital, he doesn't follow doctors' orders and reverts to bad habits when discharged.

My daughter was diagnosed bipolar (unofficially) when she was 16 and BPD at 17.  Then they both made it to her charts when she turned 18.  Now at 26, her therapist is talking about a diagnosis of autism as well.

I mention that because my ex-wife also suffers from what out family doctor said appeared to be textbook BPD, but she also added that BPDs don't experience manic or depressive episodes.  And I was like, she is over the moon happy 24/7...she honestly appeared to be drugged those first few months.  Her diagnosis before this was major depressive disorder, so the manic behavior did not fit by any means and it didn't align with the thinking of BPD either.

So the short answer is yes, people can have multiple diagnosis for mental illness.

Hi DesertDreamer!

How are things going?

Are you doing exercises or some kind of treatment?

Are you digging into information about changing your current treatment?

Hi CC43,

As I just told Pook075, I disagree that therapy will be ineffective. Because pwBPD crave validation and do want to find ways to control their emotions. If you hate cinemas, but you are obligated to watch one because of your schoolwork, it doesn't mean you'll hate the film. Depending on the film, you might like it. And DBT is a good film for pwBPD.

Yet, I'm putting more hope in the pharmacological treatment. Because I think we got the perfect pack for her.

Regarding boundaries, what prevented me from enforcing them was that she kept harassing me (because we lived together). Also, I too quickly left it behind and tried to reapproximate, because I wanted to get rid of that negative climax between us. Is that FOG?

Anyway, now that I'm living apart, I'm finally learning how to use boundaries. Today I failed. After I said she was parroting her mom, she cursed at me, so I said the conversation was over. However, I didn't communicate that well, and she misinterpreted me badly. So she dysregulated and said very bad stuff. After some time I tried to clarify my previous statement about the conversation being over. Yet, since her words had made me angry, I failed to resist the urge to reply. So I kept adding more text to the message, fighting back against what she said. With that, I effectively fell for it and made things much worse. After some time, I prompted AI to help me understand my mistakes, which were obvious, but somehow I couldn't find them by myself.

Now I am leading the relationship, I have peace, and I am not accommodating her. However, that's not enough since I can make mistakes like that. It's worth mentioning, though, that triangulation is happening. Her mother was putting pressure on her, seemingly with the goal of creating conflict between us. Her mother always manipulates her to take control of her and her grandkids, making my wife a real marionette. Yet, I could have dealt with that well.