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Hi Northern, the answer your question of "why do I stay", is probably multifaceted. First, as hard as it is, I do love my husband. While I realize that it is probably not the healthiest of things, I have done (and continue) a lot of therapy and self work to help myself build a life for myself and my kids where I try really hard to enjoy his good times and avoid him during his bad times. Its not always possible, but I try really hard to realize the situation for what it is, he is sick. I spent many years focused on how to "fix him" and tiptoe around him, to realize that the only "fix" to the solution is to live my life, knowing I am not doing anything wrong, show my love to him when he is in a good mood and avoid him as much as I can when he goes into his mean mode. I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that any of this was easy, its literally crazy making (my uBPDh's newest thing is that I am having an affair with the neighbors behind us because I open the blinds in the morning and 3 of the 11 windows face their house, so he is refusing to do so! LOL) as I pretty much live my life with one foot out the door ready to run. Secondly, I feel for my kids. I am a very strong Mama bear and will give my life to protect all of my kids. I understand the theory behind it being better to live 1/2 your life in a relatively normal/stable house, instead of all of your life in a chaotic one, but when it came to the actual practice of that for my kids, I didn't feel that it was actually sustainable for them. My uBPDh and I lived separately for about 6 months. We have 5 kids, I have 1 SD15, 1 S15 whose father has passed away, 1 D12 whose father has passed away, 1 S8 with my uBPDh and 1 D5 with my uBPDh. During the time that we lived apart, my uBPDh completely turned my SD15 against me, it is now at the point that neither she or I feel comfortable around each other (she is at our house only 2 nights a week). I have seen the extreme damage that he has done to her and don't wish any of that on my kids. Her mom is a very involved mom, but she says nothing to my uBPDh and refuses to look at the damage that has been done to her D, when the damage is pretty evident. I know that I could not sit quiet like she does! Also during that time, I did all that I could to keep our younger kids from having to be alone with my uBPDh. Unfortunately, there were times where my younger kids would have to go over to my uBPDh's house and it was disastrous! These days would start with one of my children refusing to go to school, as he didn't want to be away from me. As it would get closer to the time that they needed to leave for their dad's, the kids would try to make themselves busy as an excuse as to why we couldn't leave on time and would beg me to not make them go when I finally convinced them that we needed to leave, or if their dad picked them up they would cry or look like they were about to cry as they were made to get in his car. There were a hand full of times that I had to go over to my uBPDh's house to help our youngest fall asleep, as she couldn't fall asleep without me, but my H wouldn't talk to me, the door would be unlocked I would go in his house, laydown with her on the couch and put her to sleep, then head home, not a thank you or anything from him (he was actually usually already asleep when I would leave). My H would be too lazy to make dinner for the kids and thought that MacDonalds/taco bell dinner just about every time they went to his house would be something that they would love, they started to complain to me that their stomach's hurt when they were at his house. I would pack a lunch for the kids for at school, which he would be unhappy that I packed it, so he would throw out the food intending on packing it himself, but then would forget to do so, similarly he would forget doctors appointments that were scheduled on a day that he had them, etc. Then when the kids would come home either 24 or 48 hours later they would lose it telling me that dad interrogated them in the car on the way to MacDonalds as to who was sleeping in bed with mom every night, etc, blah blah blah and when they would say no one, its just mom or we slept with mom last night, etc, he would tell them they were liars and rip them a new one and not give in on it with them. As an FYI, he still had access to the RING cameras at every entrance to the house and inside the house at this time, so he pretty much knew my every move and knew that I was not doing anything shady! I would never forgive myself if I left my kids to defend themselves alone with him. I understand that they would most likely adjust over time, but is the adjustment that they would make something that is considered positive to life? I think each family needs to decide this part on their own. The part that I do question about staying with my uBPDh is when it comes to my older children whose father has passed away. As his stepchildren, to him in his bad mood, they are just an extension of me and if he is ignoring me, then he ignores them...clearly I have them lie for me all the time, etc! I do question if staying for what I believe to help our younger children is hurting my older children. I do my best to be there for them, not allow insults to get thrown their way, be a big supporter in their activities, etc...pretty much not allowing him to actually parent them even though he lives in the same house as them.
Reading your post about the physical violence and profanity used against you, a line that she keeps crossing. pwBPD will push buttons repeatedly, and if it is something that they know really bothers you but there is no consequence, they will continue to push that button, its working for them! They want you (as someone close to them) to be hurt, just like they are hurt and they justify hurting you by twisting up reality to make it out that you are the bad guy in all of this. When the physical violence/profanity has occurred, what have you done? I can tell you that the same used to happen in my household, and continued for years, until I finally called the police and he has had to deal with that consequence, which is a whole other topic, but he now knows, as I tell him when I begin to see him go into that mode, "if you touch me, I will call the police" and I mean it.
Last thing that stuck out to me when I read your post is that you have a hard time walking away when your wife starts in on you as she won't give you the baby. My uBPDh is the same way. When he gets in his mode, he clings to one of the kids and when he loses it on me he usually won't let this one child leave his side. This actually just happened about 3 days ago, he told our S8 to sit with him and chatted with him for maybe 2 minutes, then started in screaming at me out of no where with stupid accusations and wouldn't let my S8 leave his side, he literally had to be touching him. My D5 and D12 came running to my side and I closed us in our bedroom. I thought about going to physically move our S8 away from him, as he made him sit next to him as my H watched an adult TV show (nothing inappropriate, but not something my S8 wanted to watch), but decided that was dangerous for both my son and myself. Eventually my S8 fell asleep, and about 12 hours later, my H was too tired taking care of him so stopped his craziness with him. Separate from my H, I sat with my S8 and talked through the event with him, my intention was to let him know that I did not abandon him with his father in a crazy mode, and explained why I did each move I did, which I believe felt comforting to him.
Unfortunately, these relationships are incredibly hard. I believe each family needs to choose what they believe is best for every aspect of their family, which can def change over time. There are things that can be done to make things easier, in theory, that center around you, but only you can decide what is best for you and your daughter.
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