Hi Movie,

I can see why all this feels so confusing.  On the one hand, your wife is smart, gifted in some ways even.  And yet on the other hand, she harnesses her intelligence to undermine you.  BPD affects close relationships the most.  She knows you well and therefore knows exactly how to push your buttons.

In my (albeit relatively limited) experience, it's common for pwBPD/NPD to accuse others of being a narcissist.  This is mostly projection.  I bet your wife suspects she has some mental issues, differences and/or maladaptive thinking habits.  She's not comfortable with that idea, because it triggers feelings of intense shame, and perhaps ironically, her thoughts about it are distorted and maybe illogical.  She feels so much shame that she can't bear to put things in perspective (I feel traumatized all the time, I'm wired to be extra sensitive, I'm so irritated and anxious that I'm having trouble living my best life, I'm lashing out at my family when they don't deserve it, I hate myself; that's not healthy, maybe I should try therapy or medications, because if I'm miserable I owe it to myself to get some help to feel better.)  Rather, the suspicion of mental illness is eating at her, and she ruminates about it often.  In times of stress, her concerns come out as projections.  She starts calling YOU the narcissist, when you clearly are not one.  That's just a sign that mental illness is top-of-mind for her, and she's primed to detect indications of mental illness everywhere, because everything she sees is through that warped lens.  She starts to accuse and blame YOU, precisely when you feel you're healing from trauma.  Do you want to know what is bugging your wife?  Listen to her complaints and try to read between the lines, especially if what she's complaining about doesn't seem to make sense at first.  She's unconsciously telling you what's bugging her, while she's too afraid to admit it to herself, let alone take any responsibility.  I bet she's blaming you for all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you, correct?  That's classic projection, classic victim mentality, classic BPD.  I'm happy to share more examples of this, because once I figured out projection (basically when a loved one was accusing me of things that were patently, ridiculously untrue), I had a lightbulb moment, just like you.

As for your wife's lack of support when you're feeling stable/happy, my opinion is that could also be a response typical of BPD.  You see, pwBPD often feel miserable.  Seeing others be happy reminds them of how unhappy they feel inside.  I think that's one of the reasons that the holidays are a trigger--the cheerfulness is a reminder of how dissatisfied they feel, and that brings on feelings of resentment as well.  Expectations run high along with her entitlement/need to be the center of attention at all times, and when her needs aren't being met, BAM, she has a meltdown.  You know the expression, misery loves company?  I think in the case of BPD, it's misery loves miserable company.  It's possible that your wife is subconsciously trying to make you miserable, so that she's not so lonely.  In essence she's putting you down, in a misguided attempt to make herself feel better.  She just cannot be happy for you when you're happy.  She feels "abandoned," which is a huge trigger for BPD.  You're delighted when your wife is happy and enjoying her success/friends/hobbies/good health, correct?  Does your wife feel the same way when you're in a good place?  Probably not.  I think that's because of distorted BPD thinking.

There's another phenomenon common with BPD, which is having meltdowns when there is sickness, death or other misfortune in the family.  It seems to me that's because they can't handle the fact that they aren't the center of attention, and that your attention is temporarily diverted in another direction.  The meltdown is a misguided attempt to reclaim that attention.  Does that ring any bells?

I feel it has helped me to understand all these behaviors by separating intellectual age/capabilities from emotional age/capabilities.  While someone may have a strong intellect, their emotional intelligence could be delayed, or show a tendency to regress mightily under stress.  I think with BPD, emotional intelligence could be at a much younger level, such as that of a typical teenager.  Teenagers tend to have low tolerance for distress, and can be impulsive, self-centered, entitled, superficial, demanding, lacking in perspective, petulant, explosive and give up easily.  At that age, emotions are super-sized and seem exaggerated for the situation.  Everything seems black or white, and small setbacks seem like life-altering catastrophies to them.  The world seems overwhelming, and a typical coping response is flight (avoidance, quitting, blocking, procrastinating too much) or fight (shouting, insults, punishments).  Does that sound familiar?  Look, if your wife has BPD and hasn't gotten therapy, she might be facing an adult's complicated world with the emotional skills set of a young teen.  No wonder she seems to fall apart so easily.  In my mind, that's BPD in a nutshell.

Hope that perspective helps you a little.

It's puzzled us kids too! It seems the men in my mother's circle had more tendency to minimize her behavior and see her in a more postive and appealing way than we did. We did care about her- our perspective was not only negative. She had positive qualities and when she was at her best, she was amazing.

Attraction is a part of it and perhaps what made her attractive was more appealing, culturally, to some men. These same qualities in a man may not be culturally attractive to women. There was a fragility to her, she was very feminine. It wasn't only with romantic relationships, but other men, neighbors, family friends, relatives. Female relatives were less likely to excuse her behavior.

In addition, who we are attracted to and who is attracted to us is complex, unconsious, and also influenced by our family of origin and what is considered attractive in a culture. Similar dynamics are also seen in same sex couples.

I think there's also a societal bias in domestic abuse, with the assumption that men are the abusers and more support for women in abusive relationships. For men, they may not want to admit they are being abused, out of fear of being accused, not believed, or shame for feeling vulnerable. Counselors may be quicker to point DV out to women, but DV happens to men too. I hope that there will be more recognition and support for men in abusive situations.

There's great advice here, and I wanted to add to it.

Projection is an aspect of BPD. PwBPD have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable emotions and so, may project them onto someone or something else. Sometimes what they say about or accuse someone else of is more reflective of them than that person.

The "self defense" to being defined or falsely accused is our own boundaries. We can't change how someone else thinks, but we don't have to accept it as true. The boundary is a sense of self- what is me, what isn't me.

A mental exercise that helped me is to substitute in my own mind something absurd for the accusation. If your wife called you a pink elephant would you believe her? No, because you know you aren't one. Also, her saying it wouldn't turn you into one. The accusations aren't as absurd, so it can seem confusing but they can be just as untrue.

BPD affects people of all intelligences, all backgrounds. Some pwBPD are high functioning, with high powered jobs and others can't manage employment or household tasks. BPD affects relationships and it affects the most intimate, closest relationships the most. Someone with BPD may be able to "hold it together" in public, and with aquaintances and also be disfunctional at home with close family members.

Just because your wife is intelligent doesn't give her the power to define you or anyone else. It's good that you are seeing a therapist to work on your past trauma and also your own sense of self, so that you can hold on to your own sense of self in this situation.

Casablanca,

I'm sorry you've felt like a slave most of your life, and that you're completely depleted.  You're probably always on edge anticipating the next meltdown.  You probably feel responsible for your grandson, too.

I know you want to feel stronger, but you are a rock after so many years handling distress.  Even so, rocks get eroded over time.  I think you owe it to yourself to focus on self-care.  I know, you think it's impossible because you need to work so hard to keep things from spiralling out of control.  But I think you need to prioritize yourself for once, because NOBODY ELSE will do it for you, correct?  You DESERVE to be happy, and you owe it to yourself to bring happiness back into your life.

Everyone has different notions of self-care, but for me, a big part of it is eating right, exercising (preferably in nature) and getting sleep.  The more stressed out I feel, the more I know I need to focus on those three basic things, and I leave non-essential tasks and obligations for another time.  Too tired to do the dishes?  I give myself a break and use paper plates.  Laundry piling up?  Wear something twice, nobody will know but you.  People calling me for help?  Nope, I'm not available right now, maybe later.  Holiday decorations not up?  It's OK, I'll just do one wreath this year.  Guess what?  I really don't care what other people think.  Maybe that's a sign of my middle age, or maybe I'm just wired that way.  I focus on what's right for ME, and not about what other people might think about my decorating choices, for example.

Another tip about self-care:  try to develop a menu of go-to self-soothing tactics.  For me, if I have 5 or 10 minutes, I might take a stroll around the yard or outside my workplace.  If I have 15-20 minutes at home, maybe I'll take a warm bath by candlelight, or do some stretching.   If I'm stuck in traffic, maybe I'll call a friend, or sing along to upbeat music.  If I have an hour or two, maybe I'll go to the gym, swim some laps in a pool or go for a hike.  In the afternoon or evening, I might make myself ginger tea with honey in my favorite tea cup.  On Saturday mornings, I spend a half an hour reading the newspaper, and nobody is allowed to interrupt me.  Sometimes I'll work on an embroidery project or study French--one is a mindeless task, the other an engaging task which takes my mind somewhere else.  Sometimes I'll send text greetings to friends, which almost invariably get a heartwarming reply back.  Like Sancho grabbing a cup of coffee before returning to her daughter, I've found a number of simple, free or almost-free ways to focus on self-care.  I find it helps to have a "menu" of enjoyable items in mind, which I can select depending on the time available, the weather and my energy level.  I confess, I've even escaped to the local library sometimes to read books or magazines on site, because it was the only place I could find peace and quiet.  Ditto driving to a scenic local parking lot, sitting in my car and reading a book or catching up on personal emails/bill paying.  I was "running errands."

To continue with the rock analogy, one thing you might try is the gray rock technique, which I find to be super-helpful.  If your daughter is raging or having a meltdown, you pretend you are a gray rock--still, boring, unflappable.  You project a calm presence and don't feed the fire of your daughter's strong emotions.  Don't get sucked in, because when she's in a state, she can't process anything you say anyway.  If you're lucky, your calmness will rub off on her.  You also don't reward bad behavior with your attention.  Rather, you remain still and silent.  If she insists, Don't you have anything to say?, you might shrug your shoulders, or maybe say in a low, neutral voice, "There's nothing I can say to make it better," or find an escape:  "I need to use the bathroom/a drink of water/to get some fresh air."

Another way of thinking about this is if your daughter is on an emotional rollercoaster, you decline to ride alongside her.  You can wait patiently on the ground until her ride is over.  Sound good?  The caveat is if she is being destructive or theatening violence, you call the police.  I know, she won't like that, and you might feel embarrassed about what others might think.  But if your daughter is destructive or violent, she hasn't learned right from wrong yet.  Since she doesn't listen to you, you need a third party (the police) to help teach her that lesson.  Alas, she might be a slow learner, and she might need police intervention more than once.  But she needs to learn that violence and destructiveness are not tolerated anywhere, including your home, if she hasn't learned that already.

I have another idea for you:  if your daughter is overly needy and dependent on you, try to slow-walk.  In other words, try not to jump in quickly and solve all her problems right away.  Give your daughter more time and space to find her own solutions.  You're available, just not instantly.  What does this look like?  If your daughter texts for help, respond more slowly, because you are BUSY!  If she cries out in distress, let her sit with her feelings, and give her more time to self-regulate.  Look, I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who acts extremely needy, and historically her dad would jump in to rescue her, because (i) he couldn't stand to see her in distress and (ii) he thought he needed to solve her problems to prevent a meltdown.  Indeed, she did seem to have an overly emotional reaction to ordinary life stressors.  But she's a full-grown adult, and she needs to learn how to solve some of her own everyday problems, especially the ones that she's perfectly capable of handling.  Maybe she cries out in frustration sometimes, and maybe she makes some stupid decisions.  But when given more chances, she has generally surprised us in a positive way.  She's a little behind her peers, because historically her parents over-functioned for her, and so she needs a little more time and PATIENCE to catch up on some "adulting" skills.  She needs to learn to tolerate some distress as well.  I've found that slow-walking has helped with that learning process.  There might be some bumbling and mistakes along the way, but that's OK, because she's learning the natural consequences of her actions.  Try not to interrupt the world's feedback loop if you can.  She needs that experience and some extra patience to learn how the world really works.  If you "jump in" and solve all her problems for her, she's not really learning how the world works; instead, she's learning helplessness.  And I guarantee you, she doesn't like feeling so helpless and incompetent--she actually RESENTS you for "making" her feel this way.  So if you can, slow-walk.

Look, if your daughter is constantly blaming you and saying horrible things about you, just know that it's not YOUR FAULT.  She doesn't mean anything she's saying; she's just pressing your buttons in a misguided attempt to make herself feel better.  That's BPD.  If you read these boards, you'll see that projections, false accusations, insults and blaming are a manifestation of the illness.  You must try not to take anything your daughter says to heart.  I know, that's easier said than done.  Sancho imagines the insults/projections/blaming as cricket balls whizzing past, which is a cool image.  The things the pwBPD in my life says are so ludicrous and illogical that I have to stifle a laugh sometimes.  She doesn't mean any of it, trust me.

Finally, I think that from now on, you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  You show her how you take good care of yourself, you work hard and you have time for friends and hobbies, too.  You are calm, stable, loving and reassuring.  You are not a slave.  If your mental health is frazzled, you get yourself some therapy.  If you're not feeling well physically, you go to the doctor, because you love yourself.  Your role evolves from being a provider/nurturer of a child to a mentor/fan of an adult.  You no longer do things for your daughter that she can do for herself.  How does that sound?  The best news is, you can start right now.

It is a shock and a hurtful disappointment when the people we are closest to us do not welcome our healing and instead do everything to go back to the way things were. Your are likely right that your wife does not want you to get better, that she needs you to need her in unhealthy ways so your relationship will not change and grow And she will not be challenged to change. Marriage therapy was developed because when only spouse was in individual therapy, that spouse was growing and changing while the other spouse could not adjust to the changes in the relationship dynamics And oftentimes the marriage ended in divorce.

Hi Jack -

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through and I’m also sorry to say, but the reality is that often we have to leave relationships with disordered partners while we still hold deep love for them.  You cannot love someone to wellness.

From what I know (which isn’t that much), the only online support group related to helping partners/former partners of people with BPD/NPD is this one.  The thing I also did that helped in my recovery was viewing a ton of You Tube videos by Dr Ramani.  She focuses largely on narcissistic behaviors, which applied to many of my ex’s traits, so her information was very helpful for me.  Each of the videos are pretty short, so I found them emotionally manageable during a very difficult period.

Journaling and “Progressive Muscle Relaxation” were also very helpful; and anything else to reduce anxiety.  I think it’s also important to remind yourself of the harm you are trying to keep yourself away from… I have a lifetime tendency to forgive and forget over and over and over… and I kept repeating to myself “I have to remember I feel like this.”  I’d say it out loud constantly every time he’d reach out or I felt a draw to respond.

I read your post about your wife’s physical abuse from August 2025.  And that is exactly what it was.  The circumstances do not matter.  Had you simply put up a hand to try and stop her and she called 911, it likely would have been you (the man) who was arrested.  And I am a very “liberal” woman saying this to you.  You have to protect yourself.

Please take care of your heart.  And speak here as often as you want or need someone to listen.

Warmly,
Gems

Hi Movieman-

I absolutely believe you’re on the right track here.  I also read your other post and have to say that I am so so sorry for the emotional distress and torture your wife is putting you through.  You do NOT deserve to be abused in this manner.  Not at all. 

And please don’t call yourself a narcissist.  Nothing in your writing indicates you have any of the hard narcissistic traits.  I’ve been in two LT relationships, totaling 26.5 years with BPD/NPD men (confirmed), so yep, sadly I have experience there.

It takes so much focused work to heal from childhood sexual and other abuse.  I understand firsthand.  I am a woman, now 68, and I can tell you that the visions and feelings periodically haunt me to this day.  Healing is a lifelong journey and you cannot give up on yourself or allow ANYONE to block your path, including the person you marry.  And your chosen person should be THE person who keeps that healing path clear for you, who walks it with you.

You have obviously learned to give love freely and with all of your heart, but if you find that she is breaking your trust, that love will falter…and she will lose you.  She is the one who needs to be cautious here.  Her careless name-calling is just reckless, in my opinion…especially with her knowing what you’ve been through.  And you ARE correct, I think.  It’s a power play. A “narcissistic” power play to keep you down and set you back.  She’s the one showing those traits, not you.  I’m kind of angry right now, especially at the mentioning in your other post where she was indicating using your kids in a threat against you..  Sorry.

She is not all powerful.  No one is.  Anyone can read psychology books and then parrot what they read and point fingers so they don’t have to look at themselves or reflect on their own behavior.  Does she or Has she ever reflected on her own behavior?

Something I’ve noticed that has puzzled me over the years - how some people do this separation of BPD from the “person”.  I was never able to reconcile that separation because their behaviors were so woven into everyday life - so much tippy toeing around to be sure the explosions didn’t happen.  Maybe it’s different with disordered men?So many things were so erratic and unpredictable at times.  I don’t know…I lived in a state of anticipation for so many years.

In the end I learned I could not love someone to wellness.  It was so sad.

I’m sorry for so many words.  But please, I know your inclination is to blame yourself.  Not this time.  No.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Casablanca and welcome here.
Your pain, exhaustion and aloneness calls out from every word of your post. You are completely drained in every possible way. I understand your not talking – I had the same experience many years ago – trying to explain to people who have no idea of what BPD looks like. I found people thought of it as normal teenage stuff and tough love was the answer.

At that time I didn’t understand BPD either and so I used to try some of their suggestions – and the results were not good.

I am really impressed by your headnote:   How can I feel stronger so I can free myself ?

For much of the time as carer, the focus is on the other person -but there does come a time when we have to shift that focus.  The step you have taken in posting here is enormous – don’t underestimate how much it means to post exactly how you feel.

It’s a big first step away from ‘Slavery and abuse and heartache and hurt.’

The 4 things you mention are connected: The slavery – at the beck and call of another – and the abuse – devalued and blamed for everything – mean living with constant heartache and abuse.

One of the first steps I took was to do with the abuse and blame. Coming here was the best thing because I read that other people were blamed too – so I was seeing what BPD IS on a day to day basis. I looked at myself, realised I had the done the best I could at any point in time – and those words were NOT going to land on me. I told my DD I was not going to respond when she started ‘picking on me’ was/is the phrase I use to her – because it made it worse for her.

Then I began freeing my mind from so much of what was happening. My mantra when I was/as totally anxious is ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’. In other words I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE – a big thing for me because I wear the ‘responsibility hat’ all my life.

I used my imagination to let the words fly past me like cricket balls. I took myself mentally to another place when times were bad.

I found small spaces for time outs physically – stopping for a a coffee on way home from shopping instead of rushing back to DD. Making a small place outside to sit even for a few minutes.

These are such small things really but in my experience starting with small spaces that are for me was very important. The most important thing for me though has been the mental freedom by letting go of responsibility.

It seems as though you have been responsible all your life. I can only pass on that for me the letting go of responsibility was the key. Not much else has changed in my life in practical terms, but I love my DD I am there for her, I am not responsible for her and I put my mind to other things – I feel free.

It took a while – and this is just my story. It may not be the right path for you. But you will find a way – and coming here is the start of a new path.

How did I survive the break up. It is more like surviving. It’s a constant process, it doesn’t just go away, or stop. There is always rumination.

So, how am I surviving. Well, it’s a case of having to. The discard was quite brutal, I’ve written about it on here. My first step at survival, I threw myself into my work. As I mentioned above, we had switched roles and I went from full time work to part time with the bulk of the child care fairly early on in our relationship, from when our first child was about 2 years old. They are adults now, but while I increased my work load my wife would try and stop me working on her days off so I would be with her and she wasn’t at home on her own. Or I would have clients that were wealthy and because she was jealous would try and make me stop working for them, so that was the first struggle…. Building my customer base back up and earning enough to be able to live. I’ve had to start from square one pretty much and at times it is still a struggle.

Second step was to get out and do things, socialise, re start hobbies that had been shelved because of my wife’s hatred of me doing things that didn’t revolve around her. To see more of my family and friends as they had been neglected for similar reasons as to why my work had been neglected. Seeing those friends and family helped, because every single one of them told me how badly they thought she treated me. That’s not just my friends and family, but hers too. The first thing my father in law said to me was that his daughter didn’t deserve me, and I wouldn’t take her back if I were you. The first thing her sister said was haven’t I stopped to think how much better off I would be without her because she treated me like sh*t

So I guess the follow on from that is stopping to think more clearly. When you are fully committed in the relationship you can not do that. Your judgement is clouded and you become blind to it. They say love is blind and I suppose I and a lot of us on here are testament to that. Writing about it helps. Going back and looking at the relationship retrospectively from the beginning and realising what you have written, if it was a friend that had told you this was his/her life, what would your advice be.
Joining this forum and seeing that I am not alone. I didn’t even know what bpd was throughout my marriage, but after telling my story on a forum for people affected by partners suffering drug/alcohol abuse and being told by several people my wife is a narcissist, I researched and found out about bpd which I think the description better fits my wife, and I can certainly relate to a lot of things people have written on here. Many times I come across a post and think I could have written it word for word.

Where am I at now. It is about 2 years and 2 months since we split up, because my wife left me for a guy that was selling her drugs. A guy that was married to one of her best friends, that had been left because of his own toxic behaviour. I’d spent many months feeling as though I was the victim, but that mindset has now changed. I now see my wife as the victim of her own mind. I see her boyfriend as the victim of her behaviour. Less than a month after the discard, after being with her new boyfriend she was sleeping with me behind his back and that carried on for a year until I decided to get off that rollercoaster ride, and realised she respects absolutely no one.

Two months after that discard, when I was getting out socialising, I met a woman. A beautiful, kind, funny and far more stable woman. 14 months after meeting her we started dating. We both knew it was inevitable, but both knew I needed to heal first. That was 9 months ago. It’s not without its challenges that comes with us both having kids and living apart, but we love each other and our relationship is easy. It’s natural, it’s relaxed and calm, it’s normal when we have both been used to turbulence.

So, I am in a better relationship. I have made many new friends. I get out and do more. I can live my life, and not the life of a suppressed codependent and trauma bonded man trying to appease someone that is in effect mentally ill. It’s complicated, there is more to it than what I’ve just written, and some days can still be bad, but I know those days are by far outweighed by the good days now.

Hi again,

I agree with your therapist and would avoid anything that sounds like a diagnosis.  If your son hears, "I think you need therapy," he will probably hear, "I think you're mentally ill, you're sick, you're damaged, everything is your fault, I don't love you and can't support you because you're messed up."  Besides, nobody wants to hear that you think they're mentally ill, even if they are.  The victim attitude might kick in, and you'll start to hear accusations/blame/projections:  "You abused me, it's your fault, you're toxic, you're the sick one."

The few times I've touched on therapy with the pwBPD in my life, I've made sure not to make it about her, but to generalize and make it about the environment, and to "normalize" therapy, something along these lines (but adjusted for a male audience):

*Therapy is a mental tune-up.  Everyone could benefit from getting a tune-up from time to time.

*Therapy might be worth a try, because there's no downside, really.  The upside is learning some stress management skills.

*An executive therapist could provide a playbook of stress management skills that would be helpful to call upon when situations arise.

*Therapy can be an important part of a fitness regime.

*Mental fitness is just as important as physical fitness, and therapy can help with that.

*A therapist is just like a trainer, but focussed on overall mental fitness and well-being.

*Doctors are professionals, they know how to help, they've helped countless people cope with stress and trauma.

*Sometimes life seems overwhelming, and lots of people use a life coach to support them.

*I think therapy could be a fantastic investment in personal growth.

*Getting therapy is an option when people are facing increased stress, such as a new job.

*There are all sorts of therapeutic treatments to help people navigate today's fast-paced / always-on world.  Learning to fine-tune one's coping skills can be worth it.

*I think going to a therapist is no different than going to any other type of doctor.  If someone's not feeling good, they get the help they need so they can perform at their best.

With BPD, it's important to pick the right moment for this sort of "nudge"--when your loved one is calm and seems open to talking; in other words, not when he's raging or showing signs of distress.  It can feel like walking on a tightrope sometimes.  But I think a few well-chosen words in the right moments might help nudge in the right direction.  I think pwBPD deal with a lot of shame issues, so anything that reduces the shame factor around therapy might help.