TY for the suggestions...I am trying to have a little fun when I am not distracted! I am trying to be quiet while he slowly begins to feel the discomfort of a quiet house with no kids and no maid service (his wife). 

Thank you everyone for the support and birthday wishes. She actually responded back with an apology of her own with a side of still needing to blame.  I will take it. It meant a lot to me because my oldest with BPD didn't call or connect with me on my birthday.  We will see where this goes but for now I feel like I can let go a little and deal with the other things in my life I need to attend with. 

When I turned the corner with my BPD daughter, it was my brother passing away and us traveling together for a final goodbye.  Everyone said don't do it, the trip will be a disaster, but I stayed focused on the reason we were going and I wasn't going to deny her saying goodbye to her uncle.

On that trip, she said something like, "I was a terrible kid and I feel bad for how I treated my parents."  It wasn't exactly an apology, but I was so shocked hearing it that I was rattled for days. 

So I wrote her a letter after getting home and was super careful with my words.  I told her that I regretted that we didn't have the best relationship and I was sorry it couldn't be better.  I told her that I always tried my best, even when I didn't have any idea what to do.

I think it was my last line that really got her though, I said something like, "I want you to know that I forgive you for everything, every last bit of it.  It's forgotten."  And I actually meant it.

After that, everything has changed for the better.  I've been told off a few times, but otherwise we've had a surprisingly normal relationship and I am so thankful for it.

Three things:

1)  I apologized for everything in one lump sum.
2)  I said I always did the best I could, I never meant to hurt her.
3)  I forgave everything and actually meant it.

I hope that helps someone and I'm rooting for all of you!

Hi,

I don't pretend to think that any apology I could make would stick or even mean anything to my daughter. I think that anything I could say would be met with ridicule and derision. It's been the norm so why expect otherwise? I think this is all very disheartening. I'm listening to the book, "Rules of Estrangement" and honestly, it's heartening and sad to hear someone else voice my life.

CG4ME, you should take heart. This isn't you. I've heard quite a few people tell me this in the relatively short time I've been dealing with this and each and every time I hear it, it feels so empowering. You're a good person and you are doing your best. They'll never understand that not because of you, but because they don't know how.

hi, friends!  I met with my BPD therapist who said the most interesting thing, we (collectively) mourn the idea of a child we "envisioned" and are learning how to "deal" with the child we "have"....love this...hope everything is doing well

Hi campbembpd,

Consider buying a smartwatch that has a camera and allows you to record every interaction. It's better than a smartphone because it's not so easy to destroy, and it won't intimidate her. You still have time to buy it. You don't need to point it to her, because the audio will be recorded anyway.

I have special glasses that can record many hours, but the frame is a bit thick, and the image quality is too bad at night.

samss:  my last "real" conversation with my pwBPD (my daughter has initiated very little contact, this is going on 3 years) she advised "I was the reason she was "like this" and went on a tangent of reasons, mainly b/c I worked so much & ignored her (I have researched BPD heavily & it is my understanding "one" should not be "defensive", so....I said, "I apologize if you feel that way" there was more to the conversation, (all negative) bottom line....I canNOT nor will I apologize for WORKing!  Everything stalled after that....she cut off me, her father, sister & her nieces....I work for a therapist who specializes in children & young adults with BPD....I don't pretend to understand BPD....all I can do is patiently wait until she might want to reconcile? I share this because I am agreeing with others' explanations that apologies might not even " take root" in these cases

Thanks, so many great comments and warnings! I really appreciate all the continued support. I know many of you have already gone through similar situations.

For clarification when I say “kids” they are my adult kids, my daughter is 19 and my son is 21. The 21-year-old is disabled and we are currently joint guardians. If my timeline holds, I’m planning to tell my wife when my daughter is out of state visiting family. And I won’t do it alone in the house. It will either be public or possibly leaving the paperwork. There is a good idea with me and my son out out of the house.

Also, just a quick update before I respond in comment on some of the people‘s responses here, we had a family day planned yesterday to an event that my wife bought tickets for the family for Christmas. This was a very rare thing indeed, she usually doesn’t spend money on the family like this. We were all looking forward to it, but she started the day off with me asking about planning for a vacation vacations for this year. We’ve already discussed it and I’ve been pretty clear that I’m not gonna go on any vacations until I know we can save for it. But that was the note the day started out on. As the day went on first of all, she drank four drinks before consuming any food early afternoon. Then she got mad because she didn’t feel valued enough for doing this incredible thing for the family. I’d already set a couple times during the day with the kids present thanking her and calling out the fact that she did this. Never mind I’m paying for this stuff all the time. When she doesn’t even a small act, she wants a parade. Things escalated as the day went on and it pretty much ruined another family day out. No surprises. In a way I was glad because with the time ticking, this should probably be the last family day out like that with her present. The day ended with her talking about a Bible study, and how I’m not following what the Bible says in putting their wives above everything else, I don’t think that’s what the Bible meant… She keeps pressing for a couples therapy, which I’ve told her I won’t do until she makes progress and can regulate herself emotionally during these times. I ended up in the spare room. Anyway, the big thing is she went to look for apartments today! She didn’t tell me, but we use Life360 and it alerted she left the house. Her email is set up on my phone so I saw she had made a number of appointments for apartments. I imagine most likely this is some sort of escalation to get my attention since the usual threats and things aren’t getting me to cave in or chase her. But there’s a piece of me that is cheering inside. Praying that she’s serious and she’s gonna move out. That would make this amazing and so much easier. She hasn’t revealed any of this to me about the apartment so I’m just gonna play dumb unless she brings it up.

I’m initially serving her with three items, not the filing for the divorce. It’s going to be a letter with a statement of intent. Our preliminary agreement basically saying we’re gonna split everything 50-50 and my financial affidavit.

I’m in Florida and I believe mediation is mandatory, there isn’t much to quibble over except for alimony. 

FD - you said to be careful because she may be sensing something is in the air. I was literally just talking to my therapist about this and I think 100%. She’s sensing something, despite my best effort efforts to keep the status quo. For one I’m just not reacting like I used to. But I can tell she’s getting more serious and I think she can sense that there’s something different…

Several people commented to be cautious because things can go sideways quickly. I hundred percent believe that. It’s weird how trauma buttons make us forget how bad things are sometimes or how abusive and terrible our pwBPDs can be. I expect more than likely. It will be a very bad reaction. I’m gonna be doing my best to spend a little time around her as possible, and always be recording if I’m in her presence. And most definitely during the time I disclose my intention to divorce. I haven’t figured it out exactly but it will not be in the house. Just us two.

I have no intention or desire to save the marriage. I mean, I hope nothing but the best for her I sincerely do but it’s gonna be without me. And it’s nice to think that maybe one day far away in the future we can be amicable with each other. But I’m not counting on that certainly not anytime soon.

Yoch - in theory that would be great, but in our state absolutely cannot do that. Unless there is an order of protection, both of us have equal right to remain in the house. So I can’t move her out while she’s gone. We can’t force the other to leave.

They are not many funds in joint accounts. I keep a small balance in there every couple of weeks just to pay the month-to-month bills. But absolutely that account will be near or at zero dollars before I tell her.

CC43 - I laughed out loud a little bit because I think that in my head and I’m probably posted it somewhere and certainly told people that before. I think of how poorly and abusive she’s treated me now when we’re supposed to be married and she’s supposed to love me. How bad could I possibly get when she knows we’re divorcing and there’s no chance of reconciliation 

As far as access to financial accounts or other things, I have a list of everything we have shared passwords for, and I’ve slowly been going through and changing those. Those will be changed at least a few days before I tell her. She already doesn’t have access to my banking.

Yeah, there’s no good way to do this as you all know. It’s kind of funny for years, a decade or more, especially I’ve struggled to find the right words, how do I phrase things, how do I time conversation conversations? None of it works, it doesn’t matter! And this won’t be any different, but I just need to try to keep myself out of the line of fire.

I really hope she’s serious about this apartment situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if her mother-in-law is supporting her in this, I mean, nothing would make me happier! But it could easily be a ploy to gauge my reaction when she tells me. So I also have to play it kind of cool . I don’t think it makes everything go away for sure but if this turns out for her thinking, this is more her idea, that wouldn’t be “as “bad.

Yup, this was my take on the reaction completely. My daughter tends to make stuff up on the spot. I don't know what she is hearing, or who she is hearing it from. What I do know is that I'm the enemy and anything I could say or do is suspect and subject to telling me I'm lying/gaslighting/blaming.

I know I've read it here and heard it in other places as well, I just want my daughter back. I don't understand this whole thing and honestly I don't know how I became the evil gollum that makes her lash out at me. I love my daughter. With all my heart. All I really DO get from her is vitriol and bile. I'm the cause of all of her trauma and I'm to "apologize" for something but I don't know what exactly. Even when I do apologize, she doesn't hear it. It's all very disheartening and makes me very sad.

Yes, Mutt,

I'm not expecting any advice on the pharmacological treatment itself.

However, I am still concerned about her adherence. When she is here, adherence is easy, since I can just put it in her mouth. But when she is in her mom's house, she forgets, and I try to remind her, but my reminders are not always effective since being there tends to make her frustrated and oppositional. Very childish.

Frequently, communication becomes so hard and unpleasant. If I keep the conversation going, she might remain in the self-feeding drama loop. For instance, now she is creating paranoid thoughts about it. However, when I don't maintain a conversation, she tends to gradually drift away from the medication. I think it's because she links the treatment to me. I'm her motivation source. She won't do it for herself.

It's a difficult situation. I feel like I need to replace instant messaging with some other, more effective way of communication. She leaves behind too many of my messages, skimps on reads, and even gets the audio messages she gets wrong because she hears them in 2x while interacting with the baby at the same time. I have searched for some walkie-talkie apps, but they won't work since she is completely averse to the possibility of her mom or sister listening to our conversation, so she only listens to my audio messages using headphones.