I was in a similar situation- early 40's, my BPD ex suddenly turned nasty every now and then.  It was never a full explosion like she had in her early 20's, but she'd snap at me over nothing and then pretend like it never happened.  Each year in her 40's, it got worse and she was also tested for early menapause.  I haven't heard many others talk about that here but I've always thought there was a direct connection.  My ex would have been the unconventional type as well.

I did want to point out that mood stabilizers can certainly help BPDs since...well, they help stabilize moods.  BPDs are given a wide range of prescriptions to treat the symptoms of their condition (depression, mood swings, etc) and they also tend to not like how the medicine makes them feel.  None of us are doctors or psychiatrists here so we can't talk that in depth, I just wanted you to know that medicines absolutely can help if the right combination is found by her doctor.

One more thing- getting out does not mean ending the marriage.  In many cases, it can improve it considerably.  This is a hard boundary just like anything else, saying that you're not going to accept the abuse anymore.  It could be a good first step if you decide to take it.

I wish you luck and please keep us updated!

I'm so sorry to hear your latest update; I've been there as well and it's so heartbreaking.  My quick backstory, I was married to a BPD wife and had a BPD daughter, plus a 2nd daughter.  Teenage years were bad...every bad.  Then suddenly my wife left for another man and turned the kids against me.  This was about 4 years ago.

Going though that was so impossible, but I found myself standing on a self-made motto, "This is only for right now, it's not for forever."

My non-BPD daughter gave birth the same month my ex-wife left, and within 6 weeks I was cut off completely because she needed mom and I was being unreasonable.  Deep down I got it but man, it hurt so badly.  I got over my wife in time, I made up quickly with my BPD daughter because she was constantly playing the parents against each other, but my relationship with my other kid and newborn grandson vanished.

"This is only for right now, it's not for forever."  That's all I had and I clung to it as tightly as I could.

Eventually, my daughter figured out her mom was in fact cheating and lied to everyone about everything concerning our marriage.  Slowly, we rebuilt the relationship and there were a lot of bumps in the road because of mom and sister.  But we did get there and things are better than they've ever been.

For your husband, it's time to face a very hard truth- he may never have a relationship with his son.  It's not up to him though and he can't control anything about it- his son is getting bombarded in every direction.  I know because that was me.  I was always so stressed out and frustrated without even realizing it, but every day was some major battle with what felt like life or death consequences.  

However, this is still hope, it's just not the kind of hope you can sit back and eagerly wait for.  Your husband has to let go completely and accept that he's powerless to fix what's wrong with his son.  He's in a terrible marriage (referring to the son) and so far over his head, and if he tells dad that then there's going to be absolute hell to pay at home.  So he puts his head down and gets to work, just like I did.

This stinks for everyone involved and I'm so sorry.  But I'll say my little motto one more time, "This is only for right now, it's not for forever."

I agree with CC43's scenario, that stepson is trying not to antagonize his spouse.  So many of us here experienced the demands of a spouse to blacklist our families.  And living day in and day out with such intense pressure and repeated interrogations can break a person, just like Stockholm syndrome.

Hi Ted,

Try not to beat yourself up too much about your niece.  I'd say at least 99% of the people here are here precisely because a pwBPD has complicated their lives so much that they're in distress.  That's why the number one piece of advice you'll find here is to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your niece if you're a basket case.  Besides, if you're really stressed out, it's hard to think straight.  Here we call that operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  SInce you're not the parent, my guess is that you don't feel as much obligation and guilt as fear--both fear OF and FOR your pwBPD.  Added to that is generalized fear of triggering your pwBPD over seemingly nothing.  Here we call that "walking on eggshells."

In other words, it's normal to feel stressed out, especially when your pwBPD is acting out.  We highly recommend taking a break from her if you need one.  You don't have to announce or explain it, just do it--pull away for a time, get busy, don't read her texts or emails as much, don't respond if you don't want to.  You focus on you.  You don't have to get "sucked in" to your niece's drama.  If she's lashing out, you can let her go into an "adult time out."  It's not your job to regulate her emotions.

If she's vaguely threatening suicide (I can't take this anymore, it's hopeless, I don't want to be here anymore), you could ask her if she would like you to dial 911 or 988 for her--that way you're validating her, but also giving her a choice.  If she doesn't want you to dial for help, then you can breathe easier knowing she's not really serious and doesn't really want the help.

As for fear of a lawsuit, do you really think your niece will file?  My guess is she doesn't know how to do such a thing.  Would she have money to hire a lawyer and file a complaint?  Would she be able to figure out how to file a claim by herself?  My guess is, probably not--she's just making empty threats in moments of overwhelming emotions.  Look, she didn't even figure out how to call in sick to work, or summon an Uber to get home from the hospital.  She doesn't sound very functional in what I call "administrative" affairs.  I think this is fairly common in young adults with BPD, because they've had a lifetime of adults around them who over-function for them, in the name of keeping them stable.  But after a lifetime of receiving help from the adults around them, they've neglected learning some valuable adulting skills, especially figuring out how to do complicated things on their own.

Indeed, she sounds like a bully.  It's great that you recognize that her behavior is triggering to you.  One suggestion I have for you is to try slow walking.  That's a reminder to slow down your responses to your niece.  If you slow walk, you not only give her more time and space to regulate her emotions, but you give yourself some time to do the same!  I know, pwBPD make everything sound so urgent, like it's a matter of life and death.  But most of the time, it's not.  I'd say, try to slow down your responses.  If she asks for money, your default response might be, "Let me think about it over the weekend."  If she asks for logistical help, your default response might be, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you later."  If she calls or texts, your default response might be to reply a day later, or on the weekend, when it's convenient for you.  Maybe you have to consult your wife first, too (if you have one).  Just make up a reason to delay and stick to it.  Buy yourself some time and space.  Chances are, the problem might go away before you even respond.  At the very least, you have a chance to think things through before reacting.  Maybe the best reaction is no reaction at all, in the hopes that everything blows over.

Thanks for the quick reply, it was very helpful. A couple notes:

Her employer knows she was in the hospital because that's who she called to pick her up!! Without too much detail, it's kind of a housekeeping job, and she considers the employer like a friend. But there were other people she could have called. When I asked her why she called them, she said "Well, I was supposed to show up that day". As if she couldn't have simply called in sick!

As for meds- she did take Seroquel for quite a while, and it seemed to keep a lid on the extremes of anger. She only stopped when she lost a job and health insurance at the same time. I once saw her taking Ziprasidone, which to my mind REALLY helped her, made her into a normal person! But she said it was making her too tired. But recently, before this incident, she was asking about it. She knows she has a problem, seems willing to take some action on it. I just wonder if it she would stay committed to therapy, she gives up on many things easily.

I doubt I would be convicted of anything she could accuse me of. My fear is of being dragged through the mud and having to pay for lawyers and all the stress it would cause. I mean, I have my own issues- I was bullied as a child and this is bringing up quite strong emotions of being threatened and bullied. I had to get my doctor to give me some valium!

Anyway, I just hope she keeps her job and apartment. I have been her "Favorite Person" for several years now. I am seeing what a burden that can become. I need to step back from her, but my understanding is that it may not be easy to do. At any rate, I can see how traumatic calling the police was for her, and wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just have to hope for the best.

Thanks again.
Ted

Wow, it really does sound to me like the BPD wife's negativity has infected your stepson.  My guess is that this is all originally her narrative, and that she's been so insistent about it that she has convinced your stepson and turned him into an ally against the family.  The notion that people are "abandoning" him, while "pretending" and being "fake" seems like stereotypical BPD thinking to me--the pwBPD in my life has made that accusation, as if she can read into people's malevolent intentions behind overtly kind gestures.  There's a bit of acknowledgement, too:  "I'm not normal anymore," "things get hard."  My guess is that you probably don't explicitly criticize his wife that much; but deep down he KNOWS that she has everything to do with his ill feelings.

That all sounds like trauma talk to me, honestly.  I think that your husband is right to continue to let his son know that he's there for him.  However it sounds to me like your stepson's homelife is becoming unbearable, for him to think like this and be so unlike his "normal" self.  He probably feels trapped and ashamed.

You've been in a difficult and distressing home life for many years, but it no doubt feels better to have decided a different path for yourself.

Be aware that the risks of conflict and even DV are higher in the months just before and after separation.  Anything may happen, so be prepared whatever happens, whether shen tries to pull you back or she schemes to "frame you for mischief" or poses as a victim to put you at a disadvantage in a divorce.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) may be disordered and mentally ill but they also have had decades to develop master skills of manipulation.  She may very well notice a slight change in your attitude or patterns.

Now even more than in the past you need to be especially calm and not even raise your voice to her.

Thank you very much this definitely makes sense.  My stepson's responses to his sister were very angry - and not like him (or how he used to be) at all - hence why I'm a little worried about him:

"I'm sure you sat there while they talked bs about me and my family same thing they did to our brother and and same thing they did about you." 

"If I could change my last name I would but I'm stuck with it because kids have it." 

"You can pretend like we have the world's best dad but the truth is he never wanted any of us."
 
"This family is a f'ing joke and once you see that you'll understand." 

"I'm not normal anymore, I'm f'ed up because of this. But at least I can protect my boys from them."

"When things get hard in this family, we abandon them - and my sons will never experience that."
 
And this one that I found interesting: "I know you all blame my wife but she has nothing to do with any of this."

It broke my heart to read this and to feel such disdain towards his father when before the estrangement began, they spoke to each other every day.  My stepson would facetime us almost every night with our grandson.  To this? 

Hi Ted,

You've come to the right place.  Based on what you wrote, I think you did the best you could.  I'm sorry you had to call for a wellness check, but if your niece is making earnest suicide threats, I think it's the right thing to do.  That she was taken to the hospital tells me she truly was in a bad state--she couldn't convince the police that she was fine, and then her landlord approached her about a disturbance!  It sounds to me like going to the hospital was a good thing, because it stabilized her enough to be discharged.  Maybe if it happens again, she could be held for longer.  Maybe then she'd get the help she really needs.

I think you're right to be concerned that your niece might accuse you of something terrible, for example molestation, assault or rape.  I think this is fairly common among pwBPD, including the pwBPD in my life.  My advice would be not ever to be alone with your niece; always have a witness present.  That might not stop her of accusing you, but at least you'd have a witness.  If you are gravely concerned, consider recording all your interactions with her.  Also, keep records of all the correspondence from your niece, should you need to provide evidence of her threats.  If she calls for a wellness check on you, my guess is that police would see you and surmise in about twenty seconds that you're absolutely fine.  I personally wouldn't worry about that.  She can threaten calling the police all she wants; you have no control over whether she does that or not. 

It sounds to me like your niece is under a lot of stress and is taking it out on you.  That her employer asked her to take a month off is telling; my guess is that she has been acting erratic at work.  If you are in the US, HIPPA rules prevent hospitals from sharing patient data with others without patient consent.  So I don't think the employer "found out" that your niece had an episode which landed her in the hospital, unless she outright told them.  And I just don't think that an employer would dare ask a competent employee to take a leave of absence based on spending one day in the hospital.  Rather, my guess is that your niece has been acting erratic in the workplace, and they had grounds to ask her to take a leave of absence.  Maybe that's why she was threatening suicide in the first place--because she knew she was at risk in her employment situation.  I think you can't really trust how pwBPD portray a situation, as they see everything from a victim perspective.  In my experience, there is a high tendency to distort the truth, even outright lie, to protect one's image and status, and, most of all, to avoid shame.  Core issues for pwBPD are a victim identity, blame-shifting and avoiding taking responsibility.

As for your sister's attempts to get her daughter back on meds, that's noble of her, yet my opinion is that nobody can force your niece to take meds.  Your niece is an adult, and it's her choice to take meds or not.  My guess is that your niece doesn't think she needs any meds, because she thinks her mom is the one who needs to be medicated!  So I think it's a losing battle to try to "fix" your niece's life, because it's impossible to fix her life unless she does the work herself.  If you or your sister are providing ANY support to her--financial, emotional, logistical, administrative, etc.--you might be enabling the status quo of dysfunction.  If you read these boards, the general consensus here is that a pwBPD has to "hit bottom" before they decide to accept professional help to change.  In the meantime, loved ones are caught in a situation of trying to "help," trying to "fix" things when it's impossible.  In fact, the longer you enable dysfunction, the worse things might get.

In the meantime, what can you do?  You might read through these boards for support.  Know that you didn't do anything wrong, no matter how much your niece tries to convince you otherwise.  If she's accusing you of outrageous things, that's most likely projection on her part.  If she's saying that you shoud kill yourself and that you deserve to die, that's code for how she thinks about herself.  She's ruminating about it so much that it emerges as an accusation.  That's surely projection.

Hi Everyone,

Well, I hate to start off with a very concerning post, but here is what is happening:

My niece is 36 years old and has BPD. It's not diagnosed but from what I'm seeing I have no doubt. My sister and I went to visit her. She lives on the other side of the country so we flew out. The visit did not go well. I believe she was just emotionally stressed by our visit AND has had many fights with her mother over time. So it turned into fights and arguments. At one point a screaming match occurred between her and her mother. Upon our return home she continued to call and text us angry and screaming, saying that because we had a loud argument in her apartment she was going to get evicted. There was no evidence of that but that's what she claimed.

A few nights later she called me and said she was going to kill herself, kept threatening to slit her wrists, saying that I was always siding with her mother and it was all my fault. I told her I needed her to tell me she was going to be OK or I had to have her checked on. Or that she should call a suicide hotline. She just kept saying she was going to kill herself. I contacted the suicide help line and they recommended that I call the police and ask for a Wellness check. I was trying my best to make it as non-invasive as possible. The police came to her apartment could not calm her down and had to sedate her and literally drag her away. They took her to the hospital and she was released the next day. I don't know the details of what happened either in her apartment or at the hospital. At any rate her employer did find out and put her on a one month break, claims they will re-hire her at that time, but we are not sure. And the landlord came to speak to her due to the commotion. There may be a danger of her being evicted because of the extreme commotion. We don't know what's going to happen in either case at this point, but now she 10 times as angry at me. She's threatening me. Threatening to call the police on me in the middle of the night so that I'll know how it feels, claiming that I ruined her life, telling me that I should kill myself and I deserve to die.

She has calmed down somewhat, even telling my sister and in text that she is sorry and that she loves us. But I know how it goes. If things stay smooth, if she gets her job restored and stays in her apartment we may be able to get past this crisis. But if she loses her job and if she gets evicted who knows what she'll do. My concern is she could call the police on me in the middle of the night for a suicide check. Or worse. She has spent time staying with me on various occasions and I wouldn't put it past her to have her claim that I raped her. I'm seeing things on Youtube about men going to jail because of convincing testimony from partners who claimed all sorts of things against the men and or women they were in relationships with. My sister just managed to get health insurance for my niece, and we're hoping that she'll get back on the medication she was on previously, Seroquel. In the past that seemed to help. We are also encouraging her to get into therapy, the dialectical therapy that we've seen listed online for BPD. Hopefully she gets better. I have to say I'm feeling quite traumatized by the way she's been threatening me both on the phone and in text.

My question is can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this? Please try not to "scare me", it's bad enough as it is. But just, how can I handle this, how should I talk to her, what to avoid, etc.

Thank you.