She is unable or unwilling to take interest in the details of her life. she doesn't know what meds she takes or what they're for, ('they give me all kinds of stuff'), doesn't know her diagnosis ("They diagnose all kinds of things, who cares?"). The things in her life are very vague, and, of course, it's everyone else's fault.
Hi there,
I'm sorry you've been dealing with the negative behaviors, for what sounds like almost three decades now. There must be a ton of emotional baggage. You must feel exhausted, while at the same time worried sick. You might even feel some PTSD. Do you tense up every time the phone rings, bracing yourself for more traumatic news?
Here's the thing though. I get the sense from your post that you might feel overly responsible. When your daughter was a child, you were responsible for her. But she's 31 now. The excerpt above stood out to me: She's unwilling or unable to take interest in her life. It sounds to me like she's abdicating responsibility for herself. That way, she can blame her problems on YOU, or maybe on the world in general. I think the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her helpless. She thinks others should change, not her. She thinks others should over-function for her, that they OWE her. She's stuck, and the victim mindset keeps her there. That could be why therapy isn't working--she doesn't believe she needs it. She's telling you she doesn't care about her life--she thinks she's worthless. The sad reality is that she has given up, while you hold onto hope for something better.
I think that's why on these boards we sometimes read that pwBPD have to "hit bottom" before they decide to get some help. It's just that it sounds like your daughter has to sink even lower. And if you rescue her, giving her a comfortable landing when she's released from the hospital, she might think, Mom's responsible. Even if your daughter is miserable, her life is "working" for her. She hasn't learned yet the "rules" of adulthood--that violence lands you in jail, that unemployment leaves you virtually penniless, that being mean leaves you friendless, that nobody owes you anything, that happiness is a choice, that adult life is full of tasks you don't necessarily want to do, but you do them anyway because you are responsible. It's not your fault she didn't learn these things--her BPD emotions have gotten in the way.
My sense is that you could benefit from some happiness in your life, to get some distance and help get over the grief. Maybe you could spend more time with the grandchildren? I think you owe it to yourself to find happiness in your life, now that your kids have all grown. In fact I think you should model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like--including time for friends, grandkids, hobbies and fun trips. How does that sound? That way, should you resume contact with kids in some sort of crisis, you interact from a place of serene happiness, and you uphold boundaries to keep it that way. In addition, they might learn from you how to have a healthier, balanced life. How does that sound?



) Such baloney. The other day she talked about how she was respecting my new budget, I recently told her I wasn’t going spend more than $400 a month eating out. Soon to be zero dollars for her. Then last night she asked me if we’re still going out to eat for Thursday or Friday this week. I said yes, but woke up this morning thinking to myself, messed up it is. We have a family day planned out tomorrow that’s probably gonna cost at least $200. The kids are really looking forward to it, I’m hoping we can enjoy the day. Then this weekend my sister comes with her three kids so we have houseguests for five days. And this is the sort of nonsense, I’m already gonna be over budget tomorrow with the family outing, it’s gonna be an additional cost for groceries and what not hosting more people. So now I have to have the conversation which shouldn’t be uncomfortable, but it is because it’s her, letting her know that if she wants to go out for dinner Thursday or Friday she has to pay. And really if she has money to go out she should chip in for groceries instead. That would be common sense. Actually common sense would be not eating out every week, let alone twice a week, which is what she wants and expects.