I agree 100% with Notwendy that anxiety is a huge component of both BPD and OCD.  In addition, I see some "obsessive compulsive" thinking patterns with BPD, such as endless rumination about past grievances, worrying way too much about what other people do or say, and fretting way too much about stuff that didn't even happen.  I've posted before how I felt that the pwBPD in my life had ruminated so obsessively about past grievances that she literally carved a rut into her brain.  Any time she felt the slightest bit anxious about something completely unrelated, the negative thinking pattern would be "activated," and she'd spiral.  It seemed to me like "ritualized" thinking--that she had to rehash the past, over and over again, and let it out.

Like Notwendy wrote, the good news is that there are some medications that can help with anxiety.  This sort of medication helped the pwBPD in my life get more stabilized.  Once stabilized, the cognitive therapy helped her out more than the medication in my opinion.

Thanks for the update!  It's natural for you to be thinking a lot about the future and the contingencies.  As for your partner's ability to keep her job, she might, or she might not.  If she's like the pwBPD in my life, she definitely will not keep the job if there's a safety net (aka a safety hammock).  But if she's actually compelled to work to support herself, she might hold onto the job for a time.  Another possibility is that she quits the job or gets fired, but then she's compelled to learn from the experience, find another job and then work even harder to keep it.  That's been the experience of the pwBPD in my life.  I think that she's actually learned some things when she faces the natural consequences of her behavior, instead of me or her dad being there to "rescue" her all the time.  However, you can't control how she performs in the workplace.  The only thing you control is YOU.

If you want your partner to to live on her own and support herself, then you absolutely can't let her back in your house (in my opinion) . . . because there's such a thing as a "sneaky" move-in.  I've seen that happen, when BPD stepdaughter would come to our place for dinner, then stay "just one night," then leave, then come back for another dinner, but bring a change of clothes this time, then stay another night, and before long she had moved in again.  Though she didn't really want to live with us, she did it anyway, so that her dad and I would pay all her living expenses, while she could remain unemployed.  So my advice is, if you want to keep her from moving back in, don't let her back in your home at all.  If she wants to see the kids, then she take them to a park something.

As for fallout with the girlfriend, you have no control over that.

Finally, as for childcare, my guess is that you're probably basically functioning as a single parent already.  Though your wife might have helped by watching TV with the kids in the past, my guess is that prolonged contact with the kids might have done more hurt than help, by creating a lot of chaos, tension and unpredictibility, right?  So my advice is to figure out childcare for them while you're working.  That might be involve daycare, activities, babysitters and/or stays with relatives.  Maybe you adjust your work habits and do some work from home late at night or early in the morning while the kids are asleep, as many single parents do (if you have a job with remote work flexibility).  I know that childcare can be tough to schedule sometimes, but millions of parents are in the same situation.  I think you'll figure it out.  My advice would be to prepare for 100% of the parenting duties, and if your partner actually helps out, then that's gravy.  I'd say though that the kids should go to her place when she's parenting.  My guess is that they wouldn't have a bedroom there, and that's probably a good thing, because they'd sleep at your place where there's a predictible, healthy, calm routine.

Just my two cents.  We like hearing updates.  Wishing you the best.

This video is a good summary of when to step back from disordered people and set some strong boundaries:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/O5cQbvZv6nw

Rather than to see these "OCD" like behaviors as a different diagnosis, I see them as related to the BPD and anxiety. OCD behaviors are driven by anxiety. They are seen with other conditions that are connected to anxiety, or they stand alone.

My BPD mother had very high anxiety and also black and white thinking. I could do several helpful things for her and she'd find something I did or didn't do that she decided was "wrong", and focus on that. She perceived people as being "on her side" or "not her side".

I don't think there's a way to change how someone thinks, however, if we look to them to decide if we are helpful or not, it can be discouraging. I had to base my own decision on what was true for myself. If I did helpful things, even if it wasn't 100% perfect, then it was still helpful. Trying to convince someone that we are good enough, when they have this kind of thinking, is demoralizing.  One doesn't need to be perfect in their eyes to be "good enough".

What did help the "OCD-like" behavior was medicine that helped decrease the anxiety. It isn't a treatment specifically for BPD, but since these behaviors are driven by anxiety- treating that may bring some emotional relief for your wife. If your wife is willing to consider this, her medical providers can work with her to find one that works best for her. They didn't eliminate all the behaviors or all the anxiety but decreasing BPD mother's anxiety did help her.

My pwBPD has had a long history of anxiety issues that I believe could best be classified as OCD, requiring the constant need for rituals and reassurance. 

In trying to get help for it, though, anyone who isn't helping 100% isn't helping at all, which leads them to me for answers that I don't have.   When I try to help, I'm told all the reasons my help is wrong, then I'm the bad person for getting frustrated for not having answers.   

This loop would be frustrating for anyone, but when you add BPD into the mix, the black and white thinking, the tendency to misunderstand the emotions of others (while knowing with 100% certainty that you DO understand them) and the constant push/pull of being needed and then rejected within the same 30 minutes day after day after day is exhausting.   

Anyone else experiencing this?  How do you reassure someone who is certain that everyone who isn't 100% helpful is 100% against them? 

This hits home.  My pwBPD believes they know 100% what people are thinking, meaning, feeling without actual confirmation.  Yes, sometimes they're right, or they're 75% right.  But they can never register that they may be wrong or 25% wrong, even if being wrong would be a good thing.     

But even a text can backfire because even with every word in place, the wrong meaning can be taken from it.   

Some context- I did this after relatives urged me to consult an elder law attorney to know the options for my BPD mother. She was having difficulty managing on her own, making poor decisions,  but also wanted to be "in charge". I was reluctant to do so, and also didn't want to spend the money.

What I learned from the attorney was the legal limits for what I could intervene on, what it would take to get more control, and under what circumstances. Also how the law works with being power of attorney. I already had that.

I didn't act on a lot of the "what ifs" but I am glad I had the information of what to do if I did or needed to. The information itself was worth knowing.

This is an unusual situation and like many legal situations, divorce, separation, custody are complicated. It's also good to have the information so you don't make an unintended error in what you do.

As always, advice here isn't professional and it's not a must do. It's up to you. It's based on my own experience of being reluctant and later glad to have the information. I still had the choice of what to do with that.

Is this the niece you are NC with? Or the sister of the one you are NC with (along with her mother)

This is one complication of going NC with a family member- how to stay connected with other family members that are connected to the one you are NC with.

I didn't go NC with my BPD mother but she at times would be angry at me and align other family members to "her side".

My aim with these other family members was to not put them in a position to choose or be in the middle. I didn't engage in emotional topics with them.

Also to not come between parents/children and between spouses. Here- if you send this to a niece-c/o her mother who you are NC with, it's involving the person you are NC with. For me, that's a no, not because I wouldn't want the niece to have it, but it would involve possible drama with the mother who you know will see it. Especially if the niece is a minor and/or living at home. It's also possible if her mother gets it first, the niece will never receive it. Her mother may feel angry and keep it from her.

I assume you are printing these since there are several copies. What I would do if it were me would be to make a copy for the niece but hold on to it myself and when she's older, on her own with her own place to keep it- give it to her directly.

Forever Dad....I am sure....they are older (the oldest is 10) and I have had MANY conversations about this with my therapist, and she said they "thrive" on chaos....I am doing my best, but....between her CRUEL comments (she just makes me SOO anxious) and there behavior (they are taller than me now, I have lost all authority) I am being creative in my visits (twice a week); either way, I feel bad for all parents (of these kiddos), it is such a slippery slope but, I love those kids, so....it will be what it will be

I think it's wise to be proactive for yourself- in the event your concerns happen, but also- even if it's the relationship that motivated her- getting her own place and a job is a big step and that she pulled this off is something to consider.

While you anticipate the potential issues for your wife- and they are not unfounded, it's also possible she might pull it off. It's not unheard of that someone has felt expectations to be in a heterosexual marriage and later discovers same sex feelings. Anything could happen from now on- she may stay with the GF, or find a new one.

There was a chicken-egg effect with my BPD mother. She had low independent functioning and would escalate if she wanted something or wanted something done. So we'd step in an get it or do it for her, to defuse the situation. This reinforced her behavior and her helplessness, so each increased. It takes effort to do something on one's own, and so- BPD mother's default was to get aggitated, or threat, or yell, and so we'd do it. The other aspect of this was that BPD mother did not gain a sense of accomplishment.

Each of us were a part of this behavior. Us, overfunctioning for her/her underfunctioning. Now that your wife has taken this step- whatever happens is a large part up to her. You can only control your part- which is to stop overfunctioning for her- and in terms of what a counselor would say "get out of her way". Let her either succeed or fail, and learn from that.

Chances are- you have always been the sole parent in terms of a parenting role, with BPD mother taking more like the role of a teen babysitter if this involves watching TV with the kids. It will take some effort and additional cost to fill this role but that's the situation for single parents. For summer- older teens and college students are more available for babysitting jobs, there are day camps, after school summer programs. It will be good for the kids too- they get bored staying around the house all day in summer. During the school year, after school programs fill the gap between school and work hours. You may find your work production increases without the stresses at home.

If there is no returning back to the status quo- now is time to consult an attorney for information. This isn't filing for divorce- yet or ever- it's to know your options and what to do if you want to work in this direction, and how this situation may affect decisions like custody and alimony. Some states require a time period of separation. This situation may qualify as that. I am not a lawyer but I can imagine that being the main parent and your wife working, and also having another partner would work in your favor.

Note- I am not posting a run message. It's a "be informed of your options" message.