With my BPD daughter, every now and then she'll come at me out of nowhere with the most vile stuff.  It doesn't happen very often anymore, but I still have to keep my guard up and prepare for it.

Because once she starts a rant on how I was never there for her, never cared about her, etc. it would be so easy to defend myself or launch into an argument.  I was a good dad that provided and showed up when it mattered.  Instead of arguing though, I'll just listen until I can't take it anymore or she runs out of steam.  When I finally get to speak, I'll ask, "Where did all that come from?  What happened earlier today?"

Sometimes, I get the truth.  Maybe something happened at work or a friend said something ugly to her.  Other times, I get another barrage- the car wouldn't start, I'm broke, my ex reached out, nobody cares about me, etc.  But by not taking that initial bait to launch into a fight, I start to get things I can talk out with her and actually help her calm down.

That's the whole goal here- being able to talk about what's actually going on.

Because what happens is the car didn't start, someone was rude at work, etc.  But the focus doesn't stay on that, it shifts to the people she's closest to and how they're not going to understand how hard her life is.  So we skip the initial talks that she has in her head and advance straight to the, "You're a horrible person that doesn't care about me," narratives that she's convinced are true.

Again, the "fix" is not engaging on that and digging deeper each time.  It can be incredibly hard at times though (as we all know) and sometimes we'll certainly fight back without even realizing what we're arguing about.  It's rarely what they're saying and always what they're feeling...getting that out in the open is nearly impossible though.

Definitely no magical cure; it's more like dealing with someone's phobia (heights, spiders, etc).  They might know logically that the spider is not going to harm them, yet something in their mind screams to panic, run, shout, fight, and 100 other things. 

BPDs go through the same thing.  In their minds, they're the victim of something terrible...which is true (mental illness).  But they can't accept that because of mental illness, so their minds try to blame everyone and everything around them.  What's the most likely problem? The people they're closest to- it has to be them because that explains why they're so mentally unbalanced all the time. 

When they're with someone new (that doesn't realize they're mentally ill), everything feels great.  When they're near loved ones, they feel lousy because real life and all their problems are there.  So why not just toss everything aside and chase the new person since it feels so wonderful?!?

Only, that only fixes things temporarily, because eventually BPD shows up and everything repeats itself.  So this happens over and over and over again.

The fix, if we can even call it that, is to continually build enough trust so things never reach that meltdown stage where everything is thrown away.  Yet, that's the hardest thing to do in a BPD relationship because it takes vulnerability on both sides.  BPDs hide their feelings and often deny where they even come from in the first place.  So it's always an uphill battle.

My BPD ex wife cheated on me and left me for those same reasons- she was happy there, she wasn't happy at home.  But I genuinely believe that she never meant to hurt me and she never had any ill intent; she's just really sick and made some horrible choices due to mental illness and disordered thinking. 

For us to have a chance at reconciling, she'd have to overcome 20+ years of disordered thoughts that I knew very little about.  There were moments when she'd reach out for attention, but it wasn't too long before she scared herself away once again by what she thought would inevitably happen. 

And it sucks, every part of it is horrible, but that's severe mental illness for you.

Make no mistake though, I believe BPDs love unconditionally until a part of their brain tells them to run.  It's exactly like being fearful of a spider or a snake, and their brains are telling them that you're a deadly species.

I will agree with gemsforeyes, HRT is probably not the cause of your troubles.  Yes, it can be part of the problem and it can trigger more troublesome issues but the core issue is the undiagnosed Borderline PD traits.  If she is not diligently addressing those perceptions and patterns, then it's not going to get better - at least not by much - and it could get worse.

I recall that after my child was born, my then-spouse behaved for over a year as though she had postpartum depression.  It was so difficult.  Then she quit breastfeeding and life was so much better for a couple months.  Then one of her friends called her a traitor and the march of ranting and raging continued and life worsened again.  In her case nursing a baby was a factor for a time, but underlying it all was the personality dysfunction. 

Fortunately, your children are adults and so custody and parenting issues so problematical for those of us with minor children shouldn't impact you as you try to separate at least part of your life from your spouse's life.

Hi there,

From a financial perspective, I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd take control of what I can control.  That is, expecting your spouse to cooperate with a long-term, belt-tightening plan probably isn't going to work in practice.  My guess is, she might agree in theory to controlling spending, but when the time comes, she'll continue to spend just like she always has.  And she'll expect you to contribute and sacrifice today, while her increased contribution will be delayed in the future.  And then when the future comes, she'll renege, one way or another--she might argue she never made a deal with you in the first place.  Even if you have a written agreement, she'll probably rip it up, or have some sort of meltdown to force you to relent.  Is that how things have gone down to date?  If so, it's more likely than not that she'll continue to spend carelessly, and not contribute her fair share to the household expenses, no matter how transparent, earnest or reasonable you are.  Financial responsibility takes a lot of planning, determination and delayed gratification, and those are traits your spouse just doesn't have.  But YOU do.

If that's an accurate portrayal of reality, then what you can control is you.  You can make sure the household essentials are covered; anything your spouse ends up contributing is gravy.  You can completely cut out non-essential expenses for a time (start with six months), until you get your debt under control.  If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't spend any money whatsoever on vacations, restaurants or take-out, except for a very special day like your birthday.  Restaurants, convenience foods and travel are wants, not needs, and what you need right now is financial security.  If I were in your shoes, I'd also cut out entertainment, such as streaming services.  If your wife wants a streaming service, then she can pick up the tab.  It doesn't have to be forever.  You are prioritizing your financial security over entertainment.  In the meantime, you can explore free alternatives, such as checking out books or DVDs from the library, or inviting friends over for a pot-luck/game night, for example.

Given that pwBPD are erratic and prone to meltdowns, I'm not even sure if I would enter into a detailed discussion.  I think I'd just do it.  I'd stop paying for the streaming/cable service, and when she asks, I'd just state the truth:  "I have to reduce expenses because we have a huge amount of debt that's growing, not shrinking, and I can't continue spending on non-essentials."  I'd stop going to restaurants and buying take-out; I'd make dinner every night, and pack lunches to take to work.  If my spouse insisted on a weekly date night, then I'd cook a special meal, and bring out the candles and cloth napkins.  If she insists on a restaurant meal, then she can pay the bill.  I'd shop for a cheaper phone/data plan and sign up for it.  I'd cancel any subscriptions I'm not using, and explore cheaper options (or pauses) for ones I am using, such as a gym membership.  

Hi Camp-
I worked in the financial industry for years and volunteered counseling in financial literacy to people in transitional housing for numerous years.  There’s one thing I’m wondering that I’m not sure you mentioned; and I’m hoping this doesn’t upset you.

This sort of dovetails with what Notwendy mentions about whether or not you’re completely aware of the entirety of your W’s income for tax purposes.

*Are you certain that your wife does NOT have credit card availability and/or debt that you’re unaware of?  You may be able to run a credit report to confirm what you think you know.

In addition, and I’ll have to look up the phrase and meaning since I don’t absolutely recall, but it nearly applied to me during my divorce in 2011-2012… There was (in the U.S. at least) something like “the innocent spouse” clause.  This had to do with my not knowing what my exH was or was not reporting in terms of income while I was still attached to him; and he leaned toward financial dishonesty when no one was watching.  You may wish to look into that to protect yourself.

I know this is way beyond your topic of HRT, but there are ways for you to more easily work down your debt burden (without paying it ALL off) if you want to do that.  I’d be happy to discuss that with you.

Finally ON the HRT topic, I’ve been on an estrogen only patch since my total hysterectomy in 2004.  The patch has never caused mood swings for me. I was not in menopause when I had to have the surgery, so maybe that makes the difference?  I will say that when I get the blues, I take an OTC liquid iron/B complex supplement that was originally suggested by my gynecologist in 2004.  The stuff is so good.

Take good care.  It really does seem like you’re doing everything you possibly can.

Warmly,
Gems

Hi there,

I understand that everyone is different, and scenarios are different.  But I just can't fathom that pwBPD "don't remember" the horrible things they have said and texted.  Sure, they will say they "don't remember" or "didn't mean it," mainly to escape responsibility, and to avoid feeling shame.  Avoidance is a standard coping tactic.  But my firm belief is they remember practically everything.  Having said that, they will distort the fact patterns to try to push the blame back on YOU.

My adult BPD stepdaughter experienced temporary bouts of psychosis when she was under extreme stress.  But psychosis isn't amnesia.  I think the difference is important:  psychosis creates new, distorted experiences, but amnesia erases existing memories.  I've been reading these boards for a long while now, and I don't recall any instances of someone mentioning amnesia.  What I have read, over and over again, are stories of pwBPD pretending like they never did or said anything horrible.

I don't know, maybe it just rubs me the wrong way to excuse BPD behavior by claiming she just doesn't remember what she's done.  That means she has no agency or responsibility, and I guess that would also mean there's no hope for positive change, because her motivation has been erased.  I just don't buy it.  It would seem more reasonable to say, her judgment was impaired because her emotions boiled over, and she hasn't learned how to manage her emotions effectively yet.  It's logical that she would feel shame and attempt to cover up her abuses by fibbing and pretending she forgot.  Yet overcoming denial is a foundational first step in the healing process.

Excellent question - she does have 1 consulting job where she gets a 1099, a p/t employment where she gets a W2, but also had a private practice where clients typically pay via Zelle, Venmo or PayPal. That can be a significant source of income. That’s part of the LLC and I submit a spreadsheet with all the info to our accountant along with of course all the usual tax forms. Last year I had access to her accounts so I was able to download the transactions and reconcile in consulting income for the year. But that all consulting income goes into her personal accounts so unless she allows me access I have no idea of what she actually earned.

If you have been filing taxes as a married couple - how do you not know her earnings? They’d be reported on W2 and 1099 forms that you both submit? Curious how she’d keep that secret on joint filing - you both have to sign. I can see how she’s able to hide her expenses.

Hi CocoNR
You seem to be clearer as you talk/write about it. Just one other question occurred to me. Do you think that going NC could push DD from threats to actual violence? I know the other members of the family want you to take the tough line, but have they thought of this possibility?

On that day I was going through a rough patch emotionally. Started ruminating. I guess from their end there was love. From mine there was love. It's just love intertwined with a huge amount of hurt. Not healthy.

Agree with the idea of just keeping the things as memories. I've put them away somewhere out of sight. It's memories of a time I guess for me. A time when I was in that puppy love. That sort of love that can transcend all. Unfortunately I learned my lesson. One big ole tragedy. Really makes me wish there was a magical cure for BPD. Just unfortunate.

What's more weird to me is the finality of it all. I've talked to some other people after my breakup and they seem to still have their ex's in very low contact. Nothing full no contact. Looking at the memories feels odd. They are singular. In a sense I will never ever be able to revisit all of that. Ever. Like in my lifetime I will never see my ex again. Something about that is so weird to me. I shared probably the most vulnerable aspects of myself with this person. When I said I loved them I meant it. I would've taken a bullet for them if needed. Truly mean it.

Ah it's all bitter-sweet. You can't do much about it. It's getting easier to tolerate the ocean of emotions. Just sad.

Life will probably bring me some new experience. This is the human experience, nothing you can do other than experience it.