Many here in peer support, myself included, never learned of a diagnosis of BPD or other personality disorder.  There can be various reasons for this lack of knowledge.

• A person has a right not to seek out or be forced to use mental health resources.
• Some countries have privacy laws for patients, privacy even from spouses.
• Therapists or counselors may choose not to offer a diagnosis, being aware that identifying such a label may make the patient more likely to resist further therapy.

So what we can do is to be aware of the behavior patterns, consider whether they fit certain disorders, and ponder the various ways to deal with those behaviors in time-tested ways.

We are advocates of Boundaries, but with a twist.  Since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to resist boundaries, we therefore can choose to make our own Boundaries are for us, not for the other but for us, which is how we respond to poor behavior.  That perspective is not intuitive but it works more or less.  Family court's version of boundaries are named "orders".

As an example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target, appeaser or whipping boy.  Rather, one possible response is that we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Perhaps not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.

Hi Trony and welcome to the family!  I am so sorry you're going through this and I wish there was one magic phrase I could share that would make everything okay.  Unfortunately, there's not because this is a process that both of you need to work through.

First off, is your husband in therapy at all?  What's he doing to deal with the mental health aspects?  And what about you- have you considered therapy to learn better ways to deal with this?

For your husband's part, he feels immense shame and frustration for struggling so often.  He sees himself as a burden and instead of making adjustments, he gets so caught up in his own emotions that he lashes out at those closest to him (you). 

So please understand, when he's blaming you for not making enough time, it's because you "make him feel better" when things are going well.  But when he's off, and you don't magically fix things, then he blames you for something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with you.

The only person who can "fix" your husband is your husband.  That's not your job or anyone else's.  He has to want it though and be willing to work with a therapist until he's in a better position to deal with those overflowing feelings.  Until then, there's nothing anyone can do...it has to start with him.

For the boundary part you mentioned, what have you tried?  Hopefully you realize that boundaries are for you and you alone.  For instance, if I decide that I'm not going to argue anymore and someone starts an argument, it's up to me to enact the proper boundary for myself.  That could mean walking away.  That could be staying silent.  That could be changing the conversation entirely or showing compassion and asking what is really going on.  Or I can yell back. 

Regardless of what I do though, the boundary only works if I stick to it to avoid being in situations that I no longer wish to be in.

And when someone is used to arguing and complaining about everything, of course they're not going to like it when I refuse to participate.  The boundary doesn't "fix things" and of course others push back.  That's expected even when mental illness is not involved.  Again, it's simply there for me- if you yell, I'm trying to calm you down and then walking away 100% of the time.

Does that make sense?

Einstein,
It might help you to learn what you can about "flying monkeys", people who enable the smear campaign of other disordered individuals. My hat is off to you in that you checked out your mother's story and did not become her "flying monkey". So many people become "flying monkeys" because they automatically believe the lies they are told about another person and are enlisted to make the life miserable of the victim on a long term basis. You saw through pretty quickly what you mother was doing. Now you know you really can't believe what she tells you without checking out her story first.

I completely understand.  In your case (and everyone's, really), your partner was/is sick and not realizing how much chaos they're creating around them.  Why?  Because their focus is inward, on the mental health that's crushing them at every turn.  It deserves sympathy and compassion for sure, but at the same time that doesn't mean we need to remain in the middle of the storm with them.

Looking back, I had no idea how much my relationship had changed over the years and how much of my life I spent waiting on things to feel normal again.  The answer now is so clear- it would never have been normal without some serious work on both our parts. 

I couldn't do that work alone though, we both had to contribute equally to have a solid relationship.  And my ex just wasn't capable then.  I hope things are better now, but I wouldn't know because that's not the center of my world anymore.  The storm has truly passed.

You'll feel differently in time- sometimes you'll go back to "what ifs", other times you'll be angry or sad.  And that's fine, feel the emotions and process them.  That's how we learn to truly let go and move on to the next thing.

With my BPD ex, she never saw a problem in herself so it never got that far.  With my BPD daughter, however, it made a major difference once she was committed to bettering herself and actually growing from those experiences.  It was so much hard work on her part to face reality, but once her mindset started to shift so did our relationship.

And with my BPD ex, although we didn't reconcile, I used what I learned on this site to dramatically improve our relationship.  I made it known that I love her and support her, and that we have to be bigger than what happened because we are parents.  Even though our kids are grown, we still have to be adults and work together to do what's best for the kids in every situation. 

That shifted my ex's mindset and mine as well.  I could blame her for doing some horrible things, or I could let it go and put our relationship first.  That's what actually matters and it moved us away from the common bickering about dumb things.  Why?  Because my ex realized that I truly have her back and I'll stand for her no matter what.

That's the whole sickness of BPD, fracturing relationships and seeing no way back from it.  So while she couldn't do it, I realized that I actually could- I could forgive her and let go of the past.  I could stop judging her and just love her.  And in my case, that's not romantic love...but what you'd do for a sibling or close friend.  You show up when it matters with kindness and compassion, that's about 90% of the battle.

My dad was one of life's optimists, a placid good guy and I think that must have been a good counterbalance for her behaviour - I was always more frightened of her when I as a child when my dad was away in business because her mood would always turn! Funny thing is she has a blazing argument with my brother the other day and said that we kids used to beat her up! She remembers made my brother ill with stress recently!

Anyway she always kinds of pulls us back in when she realises she's gone too far and my brother and I were invited for lunch yesterday. I of course had to hear her extremely venomous version of what happened between her and my brother before he arrived. 

She doesn't like sitting outside when it's warm so it was nice that she wanted to yesterday but it was a weird experience in itself because I knew she had stripped a number of rooms if the house of all the furniture and everything in it but walking through the empty dining room and sun room to get to the garden was still shocking - my dad loved the sun room and it's like she's got rid of every trace of him! She even gave the fireplace away from in there that a future buyer of her house would have to replace! The garden was bare, it was my dad's pride and joy but the summerhouse, wooden furniture, ornaments and statues all gone! Not even one of his bird boxes left. This is where it also gets really chilling, my brother came whilst she was inside and he showed paving stones in the garden that she had carved "DEATH" in to several times! She had showed him them the day before on his birthday! What is she trying to achieve by doing that!

She had a rant that her doctors have now started refusing to prescribe her Lorazepam and Diazepams anymore - alcohol abuse ABC suicidality will do that! She laboured the point three times that she's been on them for 46 years - I'm 46 so I'd that a loaded dig to blame me being born for how she is.

You get the caring mum moments but the dark, evil.twin keeps coming out and makes every visit hard!

Globe Trotter Girl-

Understanding what was going on with my BPD mother after my father passed was confusing because, sometimes the "reason" for the pwBPD's acting out- or the reason they say, isn't the actual reason. PwBPD have difficulty managing emotions- and perceive them as coming from someone or something else, rather than their own emotions- projection- or look to an external way to relieve them, like acting out, raging, etc.

We knew my father had been in the role of emotional caretaker, and did a lot for her but we didn't know all of the extent of that. We had been concerned about how she would manage on her own and it appeared to us at first, and extended family that she was managing OK. She kept her personal life and decisions secret from us, so we didn't truly know what was going on with her.

It took a long time to understand that my BPD mother had emotional difficulty being alone with herself-beyond just being lonely at times. She had friends and social opportunities but that wasn't the same kind of dynamic as with my father. She didn't express that but instead had behaviors that drew attention to her. When she was alone, she'd get very anxious and stressed. I think that my father did a lot to manage this. He met a lot of her emotional needs.

What may be happening with your mother is that your father did this too, and without that, she's acting out in ways to attain the kind of attention she had with him- albeit in dysfunctional ways. I don't suggest you become emotional caretakers/enablers and you need boundaries to protect your own emotional well being. It's to understand that the dynamic between your parents- even if it was dysfunctional, worked, somehow, for her in a way.

This is a challenging situation. In the US, elder care is not covered by Medicare. Most elder assistance is either self pay or provided by family. Medicaid will cover a skilled nursing home if the person qualifies financially.  Need is based on physical needs- like mobility, cognition. BPD mother's emotional needs exceeded her physical ones, and so were less likely to be apparent. Your system may be different but I think may be still measuring need by physical needs.

I don't have a solution- but it did help to not see this as personal but a part of the disorder. This didn't completely change the feelings- BPD mother could be hurtful. I don't think it's possible to be completely detached from this. It's possible your mother was more dependent on your father than anyone realized.

Just to echo CC43, I also stick to not giving my mum the reactions she wants especially when she is trying to play me off against my brother and aunt. Not that it deters her from being venomous and hoping to lure me in though! They are such mentally exhausting people when they have bpd!

I have so much empathy for your situation as we are going through a bad time with my uBPD mum, the longest and worst episode of behaviour we've had from her in the 9 years since my dad died. She is worryingly delusional and has her own version of reality and the things she thinks people have done to wrong her. She's very difficult to have much communication with right now and destructive to our well-being.

Pook, your emphasis on the reality of the here and now is always very grounding. Thank you.

I also appreciate your focus on not just evaluating a relationship once then setting things in stone, but re-evaluating as more things happen and new information comes to like. My former partner was incredibly sweet, conscientious and loving, until he wasn't. Rather than clinging to the memory of the past, it's really helpful to ask myself, 'What do you know *now*? You know this person is capable of acting as a cruel, manipulative liar. Where do you want to be in relation to that?'

The answer is far, far away.