First of all... this is a terrible situation, especially for your kids, and unfortunately there's probably not an easy solution. 

This might not be something it's possible to resolve anytime soon, barring an absolute meltdown by your partner that would land him in jail, or otherwise allow a judge to issue a protective order against him.

Consider breaking this into smaller steps. 

As far as getting him out of the house, if both your names are on the lease, that's not likely to happen without a legal reason (like him getting arrested for something).  He has a legal right to be there, period.  It might take a formal eviction notice being filed against him, which would take time to be resolved in court (and that amount of time would vary depending on where you live). 

If you have a decent person for a landlord, perhaps you could explain the situation to them and see if they could let you out of the lease so you could move elsewhere.  But if not, that could become problematic. 

You need to see an attorney for some legal advice.  Can you get a referral for one in your area?  You could perhaps pay for an hour consultation to get some advice on your options up front, without having to resort to a full representation (and the $5K+ retainer you'd have to put up for that). 

There also might be legal aid organizations in your area that could help you for free or refer you to someone who can help. 

You need to come up with a discreet way to document and record his abusive conduct.  Voice recorder maybe? Or hit the voice memo function on your phone whenever you're with him?  Practice doing this so it becomes easy and habitual.  Almost needless to say, emphasis on the word "discreet": when pwBPD realize they're being recorded, it escalates the problem. 

Until you can get a resolution, don't make or allow any further changes that further tie you and your children to him.  And if he pushes, you need to avoid making a decision; maybe come up with excuses if you can't find it in yourself to openly confront him. 

Hi again,

In another thread I might have made the suggestion to slow walk.  That means, try to intentionally slow down your reactions to your son.  In practice, that means not jumping to answer the phone if you're already busy doing something else.  It means that mentally, you don't jump directly to the worst-case scenario in your head.  If it's a text and you're driving, you don't look at it until you reach your destination--I do that anyway, for my own safety!  And if you're talking to your son, take a few breaths and listen before speaking.  He really needs you to remain calm--I think that should be your overriding objective.  Slowing things down will typically bring some calmness.

Look, my spouse has some BPD traits from time to time when he's under stress, and he'll treat me like his beck-and-call wife.  He'll need my help with absolutely everything--holding open a door, finding something in a drawer, and needing assistance with one-person tasks, such as taking out the kitchen trash.  I generally try to be helpful, until his requests (demands) of me seem over-the-top needy and bordering on disrespectful, especially when he's barking orders while seeming oblivious to the fact that I'm busy with my own tasks.  His demeanor will turn angry, frustrated, petulant, overly needy.  That's when I start to slow walk things, almost literally.  "Honey, my hands are soapy, I'll help you in a minute."  You see, in the span of the minute it takes me to rinse and dry my hands, he often finds the thing he's looking for, or he just goes ahead and completes the task himself (like opening the door).  He didn't really need me, he was just accustomed to me being at his beck and call for every little inconvenience he encountered.  And that's when I slow walk.  I try not to absorb his crankiness, as well as give him extra time to sort things out for himself.  That helps me, too, because I can stay on-task (sort of) with my own life.

I'll use a similar strategy when, say, I get a call at dinner time.  I'll let it go to voicemail, and then return the call after dinner or the next day if warranted.  I want to enjoy my dinner with my family and not let the food get cold as I'm distracted with the phone call.  I know that with BPD, almost everything feels like an emergency.  But if you slow walk, maybe some of your calmness will rub off.

Hi WizerNow , and welcome to the family !


Everyone has their own buttons. Over time, your BPD partner will become an expert in pushing them. That's why it will be so hard to stay calm.

In this particular situation about their mother's appointment, I would probably not be angry at my wife's overreaction. But when I need to have a friendly talk about the scratched pans in the kitchen and she blows out at my face, it's so hard to not react. Because I value my pans, but they always get scratched, and I feel like I have the right to have my pans preserved. This is my expectation.

So in the end it's all about your expectations being broken and perhaps your needs not being met. Maybe it would be helpful to write down your expectations and needs. That will bring you clarity about the core reasons for your frustrations. It should include all of the good things you expect from him as well.

And then perhaps if you want to take another step, then you could try to talk to him about your list, pointing out some of your wishes that are being fulfilled and some that aren't. When approaching him for the first time, select just a few items from your list. The first ones should be items that are being fulfilled. Then in the end you add one or two that aren't. If that doesn't go well, just give up and keep the list for yourself. It will be helpful to guide you in your decisions.

I have very little experience with group therapy- maybe 5 sessions total with three different therapists.  In two of the three, the therapist set the tone and we were answering them, not the others in therapy.  The third one let my daughter rant a bit, but eventually cut her off and asked us for responses.  When my daughter interrupted, she'd again cut her off and ask her to let us respond.

So I've only been part of a session like that once and it was with an old psychiatrist who never said a single word.  That wasn't group therapy, but you get what I'm saying.  The therapist you have does not sound like a good choice for group therapy.  And like you said, it's your kid's therapist so you don't have much control over that.

One thought though; if there's another therapy session that you're invited to, it might be worthwhile to use it to state some boundaries moving forward (no yelling, no abusive calls/messages, no financial support until the abuse stops).  It won't go over well, but at least the therapist can hear you and use that information in later sessions to correct what was actually said.

Hi GrayJay ,


I think it's ok for you to validate her pain. However, it is counterproductive to be an audience for the drama, as it will feed it. She says that she wants you to feel pain, but in reality she just wants you to participate in the drama so that you help her out in regulating her brain.

I know it's hard for you to go through this without understanding what's going on. Here is the explanation, as in the first sentence of my signature:

It's not your fault. This is what's going on:
https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

She is getting addicted to those narratives because they stimulate her EOS (read the link). At the same time, her need for endogenous opioids may be increasing over the years due to having fewer nutrients available to the brain than before.

My wife clearly improves over time with high-potency and high-quality nutrients. I can't share them here because that would be against the forum rules, but you can find out for yourself by googling something such as "most effective nutrients for BPD," and you can also read some scientific studies on the results.

Apart from this, you can also neutralize the accusations. Can you remember some sort of accusation she made for which you agreed or accepted the label, and what was her reaction? Anything smaller, such as eating too much, snoring, or some critique of your personal hygiene?

My wife doesn't invest any energy at all in convincing me that I am a narcissist or a psychopath anymore. When she is dysregulated, she still pronounces the narcissist label here and there, but not with as much energy as before. Because the whole point of making the accusation was to promote contradiction with me. Accepting the labels didn't bring anything bad for our relationship at all. Much to the contrary, it makes her start to question herself. Sometimes when she is not dysregulated, she even backs up by stating that I'm not a real narcissist like her father. It's quite surprising.

Hi Inforthewin,

I guess that there are good and bad therapists and I think this one is particularly bad by the sounds of it. I think you did the right thing to leave the session. The therapist has shown you overtime that she is ineffective in taking control of the therapy sessions so why stay to be verbally abused by your dd.

If it were me I would be fuming and I would contact her via email to let her know the reason why you ended the session and how you would like to move forward from this

Just a follow-up. We are on vacation in confined quarters, trying to sightsee and do fun things we both enjoy, but for no apparent reason (just a thought or memory she had, probably), she got triggered this morning and it lasted the whole day. Today included ongoing themes of how I scapegoat her, how I am a narcissist who needs constant validation, how I need to heal my inner child, my (undiagnosed) autism, and several more. But today she added “my abuse and control pattern,” how I am a psychopath (!! Yes, you read that right!!), and how I have trauma bonded her to me. She read many articles to me, frequently pausing to see if I understood correctly. At one point she said “as long as I’m the only one feeling pain, nothing changes!” This is how she justifies her reactive abuse.

There is no satisfactory response to this. She wants me to react in a way that shows I’m in pain, but if I do, the emotions displayed lead to escalation. If I don’t react, it escalates. Of course, JADEing escalates it rapidly. The best I can do, apparently the least wrong response, is validate her pain, gray rock as much as I can, and let her know that I’m listening and that I care. There’s really no way in today’s circumstances for me to politely walk away for awhile, and if I did that would send her into a rage. (Stonewalling!) It’s lose-lose, for the most part.

It’s bedtime now and things have calmed down a bit. It will be good to get back home in a week where we have much more space and it’s easier to detach.

It’s one day at a time, or more realistically one hour at a time. So exhausting.

Sometimes the most effective family therapy can be with the members affected by the disordered person and without the participation of the disordered family member to help the family members set the boundaries they need when dealing with the disordered family member. I tried to set up family therapy with my mother with BPD and her psychiatrist who had tried individual therapy withe my mother and had a good reputation as a therapist told me my mother was not a candidate for family therapy.

I would no longer waste my time or money on a therapist that clearly doesn’t know what’s she’s doing. It’s actually shocking to me that she allows that type of behavior during a session! I’m so sorry you experienced that and hope you can find a more appropriate person to work with.

First time posting to this group/topic- I have posted in the bettering relationship post a couple times- I feel this group is more appropriate for this new development in my 2 year relationship. I live with a male borderline and we just had a baby girl 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other children who live with us full time from my previous relationship (age 5 & 8). Our baby is his first child. The relationship has reached a point where it has become intolerable for myself and my children. He isolates himself to our bedroom and I'm forced to isolate myself to the living room and sleep on the couch most nights. The bedroom is pretty much inaccessible because he's sleeping early for work. He fights with me almost daily and forces the kids to hear his rants. He is talking to other women online on dating websites and lists himself as single. He calls my children little assholes, tells them they eat too much, comments on all of their behaviors. He can't tolerate any affection between myself and my children he tells them to stop touching me or get away from me "you're not a baby". He won't allow me to spend any quality time with my children without anger and outbursts. They are so anxious they constantly ask me if he is home or not. He does not know how to parent them and while he tries he says inappropriate things and especially targets my 5 yr old whom he hates. She is the "BAD" one. He rejects me and gives me the silent treatment. He has been verbally abusive to me at times. He refuses to contribute financially in anyway and then complains that there isn't good dinner or foods he likes.

I have asked him to stay somewhere else several times now and a constant cycle repeats where he says he will leave "in a few days" but he never leaves. I have told him we are not breaking up which is true this is just a first step for me -but just physically separating. He still sees it as breaking up - must be all or nothing.  He refuses to leave and I DO NOT have anywhere else I can go- I cannot afford a hotel even for a week or a few days- I have no family support or friends and I refuse to put my children through more chaos and change in their environment. We rent our home and both our names are on the lease however I pay the rent - he has never paid any rent or portion of it. Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.