This post was from a month ago when you were still wishing you could patch things together.

You will have to be the person making responsible decisions.  If you have no income between the two of you, it is totally unrealistic to buy or rent a dream house.

As for her threat to make you pay support to her or to her on the child's behalf, that requires an examination of the history.  While a lot depends on which state you reside in, if you've only been married a handful of years then likely any spousal support would be short term, at most a couple years, if that.

Another aspect is how well she does parenting.  Who cares most for your child?  Can it be documented?  Does she behave poorly (arguing, fighting, etc) in front of your child?

For better and more focused responses, I suggest you post on our Separating/Divorcing board.

There is a time element for incidents to be considered more actionable.  An example I've given in the past what what might happen if you call emergency services and say, "My ex almost burned down my house last week!"  Likely the response would be, "Please call back when it's an urgent matter."

So just going to the police and filing an incident may or may not trigger action.  And depending on your local policies and procedures even that may not be considered actionable.  So go get a legal opinion from a qualified and experienced family court attorney.

In some jurisdictions, destroying furniture and other items may qualify as DV.  You won't know until you seek an answer.

In my own separation, I was flummoxed when I filed a report, she was facing a Threat of DV charge and I got a TPO and temp possesion of the home... yet she then rushed to family court and filed for a protection order against me... and she got temp custody and temp majority time (all I got was alternate weekends) for the next TWO YEARS until the divorce was final.  Clearly the lawyers and the court were disinclined to modify the temp order despite continuing discord.

All I could conclude was that the courts viewed her as though she were two separate people - a problem spouse that was assumed by default policy to be the better parent.

Another legal perception of which to be aware...  You may be thinking, this is documentation for the future.  Surprisingly, it may or may not be helpful.  My experience and that of others has been that courts are reluctant to address or include incidents older than 6 months, evidently considering them too old (legally stale) to indicate whether they might still be actionable.

Do not assume that you will not get full custody of your child. The video you have taken of your wife physically attacking you in front of your child, would be considered child abuse in some legal jurisdictions in which the child would be taken away from the abusive parent if there were any more incidents of domestic violence in front of the child. Do consult a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself, your child, and to be prepared for what might happen.

You are in a challenging situation that benefits each of you.  It would cost your mother more to pay someone to do what you are doing for her.  If you were to get paid for the tasks you do for her, it could change your Medicaid qualifications.

With someone with BPD/NPD they seek control through whatever power they have. Your mother seems to hold the financial power, while you have the caregiver power. While you may not be thinking along those terms, consider you are not powerless in this situation. In actuality, your mother is dependent on you for the tasks you do- but her NPD aspect means she won't likely acknowlege that.

My BPD/with NPD mother used money as a means of control and power. Also, to avoid the appearance of being dependent and to feel superior, she could be verbally abusive to the people who were helping her the most- all the while being completely dependent on them in her elder years.

She made some poor financial decisions but we had no way to intervene- even for her own behalf. She remained legally competent and so we kids had no input to her decisions. I saw where she had redone her legal papers on time ( that I know of) and they appeared weaponized, so yes, if your mother is legally competent, she could do that.

Ultimately, if your mother is legally competent then, even if it's not fair to you, you can not count on her providing or leaving you anything. Maybe she will, but maybe she won't. On the other hand, should you decide to move out and not help her- she would also be in a difficult situation. She may threaten to kick you out, but if she knows it would be harder without you,  she may not do it---- but she won't admit to that. She needs to feel she's in power. Keep that in mind. This may be posturing.

However, you must also protect yourself. This may mean saving some of your income into an emergency fund in case she does kick you out, while still maintaining your eligibility for Medicaid. If you do inherit property or money at some point, that may impact your eligibility. Another aspect of Medicaid that might affect you, is that, if your mother is ever in a nursing home on Medicaid herself and she owns the house- Medicaid will take that to cover the costs. If she transfers it into your name it can affect her eligibilty (Medicaid look back) and possibly yours at some point. If you need to look into this situation further, a local council on elder or elder law attorney can assist you. At some point, your mother may need to assign power of attorney to you if you need to assist her beyond errands and help with medication, and if she is willing to do that.

For now, if this arrangement is working for you financially, I think your game plan is to maintain this win win situation, and keep in mind that you benefit her when she says otherwise. My BPD mother complained, said negative things to me about one of her caregivers, told me several times she was going to fire her. She never did. This woman was wonderful to her and she depended on her.

However, in this situation, you will need to help maintain your own sanity- by doing things on your own,  getting therapy,  having some "time off" from being your mother's helper. If you did have a way to move out, it would be an option, but from what it appears, it's the better one financially for the both of you.

I should share a bit more, nuances to your approach if pondering separation and divorce.

First, do not underestimate the extent of a spouse's obstruction and attempted sabotage.  Do not assume she will think and do as you would and default to normal reactions.  You as the reasonably normal spouse will naturally be held to a far higher standard than her.  So you can't respond to her aggression in any way that might be construed as aggressive or violent.  So imagine you have a judge looking over your shoulder 24/7.

Also, your approach to married life must change.  When trying to repair a relationship, both must be sharing information to rebuild trust.  However, if it is failing or failed, then you must be strategic is what you do or don't share.  Obviously, you do share parenting information and other necessary financial details.  But on most other matters, you must ponder twice and thrice before sharing so that your spouse has less ammunition with which to obstruct and sabotage you.  Once you have selected a lawyer you will have someone local to warn you of problematic topics.  You might be tempted to exclaim something that might enable your spouse to sabotage your legal strategies.

Similarly, you can suggest to her that you both (avoid "you" and moderate it as "we") need to see therapists to address the conflict but - this is important - do NOT mention you believe she has BPD or some other acting-out personality disorder.  And do not mention specific treatments such as DBT.  She can get triggered by almost anything you say, but at least try to avoid those particulars.

And do not forewarn her you are reading Eddy's Splitting handbook nor that you're confidentially and privately consulting with lawyers.  For many topics, it will be better to leave things guarded and unsaid.

Many members here have "been there, experienced that".  That was my exact situation two decades ago.  It was a trial by fire but I came out the other side with a more peaceful life.  Believe me, there is a better path forward but you have to make preparations, seek meaningful support, seek improved communication skills, and use time-tested strategies.

First question, is she getting meaningful therapy from a therapist who has used Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)?  The problem is that many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are extremely resistant to meaningful therapy.

Even if she resists therapy, that doesn't mean that you can't seek a counselor for yourself. As my divorce lawyer said, "Courts love counseling."  Even for the children.  When I separated, my ex surprised me by starting our 3 year old in play therapy.  This is very unusual, but she was trying to accumulate negative advocates in her campaign against me.

I recommend William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He is a lawyer, mediator and is familiar not only with the illness but also the legal pitfalls and conceptual traps when entering the legal court system.


The best advice I can give is to avoid any more children with her.  Right now your child is of an age, if divorce is the future, for daycare and soon preschool, kindergarten and regular school.  (That would reduce mother's leverage to claim, "I have babies, I can't seek work.")

Also, many BPD mothers are exceedingly possessive of the children... while simultaneously dismissive of the father.  (My divorce had virtually no financial issues - except she did want me to support her - but the custody issues and parenting schedule turned it into a two year process.)

From one of my prior replies...

I moved in with my mom 4 years ago to take care of her. She is 78. In 2019 I lived in an addition I built onto her house for 10 years. My father suddenly died in 2012 after years of struggling with my Mom who has multiple personality disorder (now called  dissociate identity disorder - I may have that wrong because I never use the new title. This mental disorder is from childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse at a very young age and all throughout her life. She now also has Borderline Personality disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  When my father died, she began verbally attacking me, and all the things that goes with that. Sh tried to evict me twice even though I was not a tenant. But it caused a lot of trauma. She went to the courthouse and asked for a protection order, that was filled with awful lies. At 1am, 5 police officers escorted me out of my house with only the clothes I was wearing. I had to check into a hotel. My son was in college studying abroad when this happened. We finally came to an agreement that she would give me $83k for my 120k I invested with the addition. So I had to move into an apartment for me, my dog and my son when he returned from college.  My Mom and I were estranged for 3 years. When my son had a medical issue, I had to call her and tell her and that was the beginning of us talking again.  Jumping ahead, we agreed that I would move to Delaware from Maryland and she would pay all bills, except my own bills, and I would contributed $800 month towards bills. It should be noted that I can’t work, the last time I worked was 10 years ago. I am currently on 14 medications. I will try to post about my issues on another post. Anyway, since I moved here to care for her, she has threatened to kick me out twice. She has threatened to change her will many times, including the house we are living in. I have so much PTSD from her impulsive destructive behavior. I lost a lot of money in lawyer fees. I have no taxable income. I get alimony and money from a judgement. About $1700 month. I’m on Medicaid which just got harder to qualify for.  Some of the things I do for her: all grocery shopping, all cooking meals and cleaning up, I do her pills every week and keep track of refills etc., ( which I do mine as well), I make and drive her to all her medical appointments. She refuses to see a therapist ( I have a weekly therapist). I have had to learn so much about her disorders, it has been helpful, I feel these books are my life story. 10 years ago a friend told me “You can’t have a reasonable conversation with someone with mental illnesses “. I think of this daily, sometimes more than daily, because it is so true. I’m struggling. There is so much more but I’ll try to post more at a later time.

PwBPD traits can be said to typically start their relationships in an idealization phase in which they put their best foot forward, a natural human trait.  But they can't do it indefinitely, eventually cracks appear and some of their facade shows through.  A goal is to make you feel more obligated to the relationship.  Two common methods are to marry or have a child together.  That raises the level of obligation.  How many people arrive here lamenting they feel stuck in order to "stay for the kids"?

BPD F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

It is so painful to fall in love with a person, marry that person, and then find out at some point that the person you married isn't who you thought he/she was. You question what was real and what were perhaps manipulations to get what he/she wanted which was you. Your heartbreak is real and will be for a long time.

Thank you. I am structuring my weeks with activities so that I don’t have idle time to ruminate over things. It’s helping.