A day like today is difficult. He has been in a snit for days (leading up to Mother’s Day, no coincidence). So all our plans for today have a negative cast to them. I am good at never letting him ruin my good time, I just want to spend the day with my beautiful children. He can choose to join us or not. What do I say though when the kids ask me why he didn’t come? In the past I’ve said things like “I think daddy isn’t feeling well”. I feel like I’m stuck either covering for him, or throwing him under the bus. I don’t know the right way to answer their questions.
Saying "dad isn't feeling well" is fair- it's a true statement without getting into it further. And younger kids can understand not feeling good as well. To me, that's not "covering for him" or "throwing under the bus"...it's just the easiest way to state a really complicated topic.
If you say something like, "Dad is busy with other things," when he's not actually doing anything, the kids will see that and pick up on it. So you don't want to lie and you don't want to give any more detail than you have to.
If you decide to separate, then that's a different conversation entirely. But you can tackle that if you get to that point.



It's completely normally to feel conflicted and confused and contradictory when making a big decision, even without the added complexities of emotional abuse and mental illness thrown in.