Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and you're not alone, we've all been through it as well.  In my case, it was my ex-wife and my daughter with BPD, but I also had a very angry mom that probably should have been disgnosed as well.  BPD is so much more common than people realize and it can be devestating.

One thing to keep in mind- this is not about you.  It never was.  Your mom is hurting internally and she needs an outlet to direct that suffering.  So it's your fault, your dad's fault, the dog's fault, the neighbor's fault.  Your mom does that because as long as it's something external causing her pain, then it's not her fault.  That's the crux of the mental illness.

So let me say this again- it's not your fault.  This isn't a "you thing".  It's extreme venting for someone who's psychologically ill.

However, you do have a part to play in this as well.

When your mom is lashing out (or unstable, disordered, whatever word we want to use here), you have a clear choice to make.  Do you fight back?  Do you defend yourself?  Or do you realize what's actually happening and respond appropriately?

For instance, I remember my mom would absolutely lose it if I was talking to my dad about her and I said the word "she" (Like, "I was cleaning my room and she just started screaming at me").  She'd rant for hours sometimes, "I'm not a she, I'm his mother and how dare he insult me like that...." 

And of course, I'd defend myself by explaining how English works.  It's not an insult or an attack, I was just referring to her in the 3rd person because she wasn't a part of the conversation and I didn't know she was listening.  I don't understand why she's being so over the top about this.

But to a disordered mind, they're lashing out for things that can't be seen.  My mom was thinking, "I'm in so much emotional pain and I need to vent my frustrations."  So the thought of my disagreeing with her when it's so obvious that she's not okay, it sent her into a tailspin of dark thoughts and emotions.

Again, we're talking about the word "she" here.

You could say I was right, my mom was being dumb, and I had every right to defend myself.  You're right.  But it was also the worst possible thing I could have done because my mom was disordered and my response made it 10x worse.  If I would have just apologized and let it go, the day wouldn't have been ruined.  I should have just said "sorry", made a mental note, and walked away.  Problem solved for everyone.

Of course, the big problem would never be solved by words.  We can't fix anyone.  But we can learn that when someone is in a disordered state, the one thing they need in that moment is to calm down and re-center.  That's it, regardless of what they might say or do.  Sometimes we can genuinely help and sometimes we have to walk away to keep things from getting worse.  There are also times we should keep our distance to break the cycle of abuse.  That's all part of the process learning to deal with a BPD loved one.

I'll say that in time, it does get easier.  Never easy, of course, but we learn how to weather the storms and communicate in a different way.  I'll repeat the two big takeaways- this is not your fault and your mom is abusive because she's hurting so deeply inside.  That deserves compassion when you can give it and distance when you can't.

I hope that helps!

I don't know the legal aspect of this but you are still the other parent and if the court orders that you can see them, and she doesn't comply, then she's in contempt of court.

When I mentioned it seemed that my father "lost himself" in his relationship, one reason is that he defered to her for decisions that were in his right to make. I understand that going against BPD mother's wishes resulted in extreme reactions from her, including self harm, and that he didn't want that but giving up all control and power to her had their consequences.

It seemed when there were decisions, we did what my mother wanted but what did my father want?

It's possible that due to your experience, it's hard to actually know what all you want due to the constant feelings of needing to comply with your wife- but you know you want contact with your kids. I believe they want to know this too. So, if she doesn't agree- please take legal action, whatever that is.

I felt the same way. These people already believed her and it would only make me look bad to say something that could imply that what she said was wrong.

Because of this, I was estranged from her FOO for some time. It was embarrasing to be around them- having them think I was the problem. I know they thought that, because someone hit "reply all" on a group email chain and they actually said it. I was so shocked, and embarrassed.

After some time, they did see things in a different light when, after being around BPD mother, her behavior became more obvious to them, but by then, a lot of emotional distance had come between us and required some relationship repair.

When I was a teenager, she blamed me for the issues in her relationship with my father. I actually believed that when I left for college, my family would somehow be "normal" then. I know now that it wasn't true.

My BPD mother's perception of people was influenced by her projections, not reality or the actual truth about anyone, me or anyone else.

Courts generally love it when a parent is in therapy and willing to do what it takes to be the best parent he/she can be. Time is on your side if you are willing to make changes and grow. Your wife is unable to become a better parent.

Me either- not till I was about 50. I knew something wasn’t ok with my mother but still believed I had some part in it - and if I could be more compliant, more helpful to her, maybe she’d see that and we’d be ok. I wanted to be a good daughter in my parents’ eyes.

But it was never in my power to change her thinking. This didn’t mean I should not treat her kindly or with disrespect - and I didn’t intentionally do that - but I couldn’t control how she perceived or interpreted how  I or anyone else behaved with her. I had to hold on to my own sense of reality with her.

At 22 - you are way ahead of where I was at that age with understanding the situation.

I mentioned the anger management course but only if it was court ordered and with  your lawyers advice. I don’t have any legal expertise. My main point was to encourage you to do what’s possible to gain your parental rights- as directed by your attorney. This comes from experience having a mother with BPD. I know you feel down and hurt at the moment but your role as a father is still important to your children and wanted to encourage you in that but an attorney is the best resource to advise you on how to do that.

My adopted borderline daughter has made a fake Gofundme exaggerating the health issues of my grandchild. She is using photos of me holding my grandchild on the Gofundme. I complained to Gofundme but they didn’t remove it. I don’t like that she is exploiting the baby for financial gain. She also moved in with her psychotic birth father who lost custody of her due to physical abuse and neglect. Not sure what to do next.

My second and perhaps better attempt at an answer...

My guess is that your current order is not from a probate/family court?  That was the case in my county.  My ex faced DV charges in municipal court.  It was careful not to make an order involving the children, not wanting to step into family court's jurisdiction.  She went to family court, filed for herself and our preschooler to have "protection" from me.  The court conditionally accepted her petition but only until a hearing was scheduled (in two weeks) for both of us to stand before the court.  During that time the court requested CPS to get involved and they did contact me.  At the hearing the CPS investigator stood up and stated he had "no concerns" about me.  So the court issued a temp order with a parenting schedule.  Besides the child exchanges - locations, timing, cautions, etc - it also enabled "reasonable" telephone contact.

I don’t even know where to start.
My 74 yr old sister was just diagnosed with cancer treatable only by chemo and life expectancy 6 -24 months.Her daughter, my 43 yr old niece, has been diagnosed but never treated. Both are also hoarders. They live 3 hours away. My first visit I just went up to get a lay of the land. 2nd visit we started cleaning “extra” stuff out, but only my sisters. My niece goes off the wall if we even touch her “stuff” including over 150 bottles of nail polish (she doesn’t use). I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells but this coming week we are going to have a more serious talk. I am staying in a hotel because I am afraid to stay in their house for safety reasons and for her getting in my face and screaming which she has done 1x before. I honestly don’t even know what I am asking for. This is my first post and I am overwhelmed (ie, I am 69).

Do you have legal representation?  This is where a local family law attorney's advice would reflect what your local state or province's law is and how it is applied in your local county or area's courts.

You could proactively take sign up for parenting classes.  What many have reported - as happened in my case too - is that one of the first actions taken during separations and divorces is the judge will order parenting classes for both parents.  There is NO guilt or shame... it is a standard order given almost everywhere for parents.

Side note: Mention was made previously about anger management classes.  This is far different prom parenting classes, typically ordered after someone is found guilty of abuse.  So use caution whether pondering this since your decision implies you are guilty of something.  (In my case, my ex was accused of Threat of DV and the prosecutor wanted her to cop a plea to anger management but she refused.  After a couple continuances - courtspeak for rescheduled delays - and her still refusing a plea deal, court held a quickie trail after which the judge dismissed the case, pronouncing her not guilty while referencing local case law in cases where there was threat but no weapons.  She never did anger management classes.  Then a couple years later her lawyer got her case expunged - removed- from the record.)

Take a close look at your current stay away order... Does it include your children?  Did children's protective services get involved and voice a concern?  If either happened, then you need to rectify that, since DV is an adult relationship matter and not necessarily a parenting matter.

We are only peer support, unable to give legal advice.  However, the legal/court system has steps to follow and each step takes precious time.  It is wisdom to be proactive.

For example, your ex might claim the reason for the long lapse of time without seeing your children is that you aren't interested in parenting.  Therefore, keep a record of when, how often and with whom you are requesting to see your kids.  Since you can't contact your ex due to the current order, how else can you make the requests?  Children's services?  Her family?  The police?  The court?  Be very careful to make clear you aren't by-stepping the order but simply to have time with your children.  It's possible you may have to agree to temporary supervised visits.  Never settle for permanent supervised visitation.  But yes, bureaucracy takes time.  Starting sooner is better.

What have you done thus far to advance positive moves in your case?