Hello. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.  I have not had the experience of this coming on suddenly.  Wishing you lots of support and grace in navigating this.

Hi everyone. I have so much to work through concerning my sister with UBPD, but one big question sticks out for me. has anyone else had someone begin displaying serious BOD traits somewhat suddenly?  My sibling had some mood and anger issues, which she mostly directed only to our mother and her spouse, and she could crack under pressure/stress a bit, but we all had decent relationships with her. I would never have described her as someone with a personality disorder.

Around a major trauma that occurred in my family about 18 months ago, she began behaving in an extreme way that meets the criteria - spasms of attacking, hateful, hostile messages and calls; blame; rejecting or twisting all efforts to reconcile; spiraling and escalating, even when no one responds. She will send a message saying "I hate you. My life is so much better without you. Do not ever contact me again," and then a day or two later, she will start calling, and when the calls are not answered, more messages:  "What kind of family abandons a loved one like this? All I want is to be part of a loving family. Instead I have nothing. My life is worthless."  Lashing out indiscriminately, including at "innocent" family members who simply decline to take sides or _____-talk other family members. Absolute refusal or inability to acknowledge the impact of her words and actions or how they lead to consequences - and certainly no recognition of how she is hurting others.  Threats to expose private personal information to "destroy" family members' reputations, careers, and relationships, which she recently acted on by contacting total strangers and young family members with this information. Meanwhile, in other areas of her life, socially and work, she appears totally normal and even thriving.

It is horrifying. And it fits the criteria.  But where did it come from?  Could this have been hiding in her all this time?  Or it is something new that was triggered by the trauma, like a narcissistic collapse?  Has anyone else's BPD family member gone from being "normal" to this level of disorder?

Again, have another "me-party". 

"I am so sorry if that's how it came across because I'd never want to do anything to hurt anyone.  I was so overwhelmed and I was doing the best I could.  Please forgive me if that upset you."

After your "me-party", what left for the BPD to argue about?  You validated their feelings.  You apologized for hurting their feelings.  You've given them absolutely everything they wanted and you didn't say a single word about what actually happened.

Sometimes, when my BPD ex wife or BPD daughter want to argue, I'll just say, "You're absolutely right.  I should have done better back then."  And they're shocked into silence.  How can they argue?  I just agreed with everything. 

The thing I should have "done better" with was avoiding topics with mentally ill people, but there's no reason to say that.  They get what they want (validation), while I get what I want (no arguments, flaring emotions).  It's an absolute win-win.

Thank you, all, for the support and the great advice.  It's all a little complicated because before the NC there was LC based on her refusal to respect my boundaries.  BUT what you have given me here, I believe, is a set of principles that I can apply to the specific situation. 

I think the key one is the "me-party" . 
      The break was because I needed it. 
       I can listen to and validate her feelings unless she's crossing my boundaries. 
       In that case, it's "I can't do this. I'm going to get off the phone. Let's talk another time."

Also, keep it light to the extent possible.

I think one of the things that's really hard is being pretty sure that she's going to start telling me a version of what happened that didn't happen.  (I know that because she's been doing it in texts.)  I can't validate untruths, but I thought I could say something like, "I know that's how you remember it.  I remember it differently but I understand why you feel the way you do since that's how you remember it."   Yes?

I think it's okay to go there, but you have to throw a "me-party" with your answer.

"I was in such a tough place in my life, I was struggling and stressed out and I just needed to take a step back from everything for a little while."

In other words, every word is about me and my mental health.  Nothing is about the other person.  BPD's understand mental health struggles and most of the time, they want to fix it in others because they can't fix their own stuff.  So a statement like this builds empathy and respect because it's admitting what a BPD never can say out loud.

Don't even think about mentioning the BPD in that statement though, then it brings pure wrath from all the emotions involved.  It's much better to leave that part unsaid.

That makes sense and it will probably be the play.

In an interesting turn of events, I'll be moving back to that area in maybe a month and I'll actually need the truck to get my stuff out of storage to a new house.  I've already decided though that I'm just going to rent a U-Haul for the day or maybe even a local moving company- it's stress free that way and I won't get upset over the current state of the truck.

Thanks for the advice though, to you and everyone who chimed in for my little rant here!

To add- do not bring up the past or her behavior. If she asks "why did you go NC"- don't go there. I learned that these kinds of questions were "invitations to the drama party".

Any response that suggested she did anything hurtful- she would dissociate and then all her feelings would be projected out. I won't say it was deliberate but these discussions, these "feeling dumps" - are a part of the dynamic.

I think we bring these experiences up because we think this is an opportunity for repair of the relationship- but they don't work, we end up feeling worse. The pwBPD experiences this differently. They don't see it as an attempt to repair- they feel attacked in the moment.

Keep discussions light. If she brings something up, change the subject. This isn't a satisfactory feeling, we want closure and repair but that may not be possible.

I was going to suggest this too.

Although visiting BPD mother was not easy, and I'd have some anxiety about it, BPD mother would hold it together when others were around. Behind closed doors, where others couldn't see was a different situation.

Like you, there was a sort of moral dilemma. To be NC with my mother- then an elderly widow, felt wrong. We would feel anxious about visits, even speaking to her on the phone sometimes. So how to manage this?

Visit with someone else along too, so we weren't alone- we felt safer, she was more likely to hold it together. But not a large group either- she felt anxious at larger get togethers. If this isn't possible- meet away from home, shorter visits.

Have an activity outside the house- go to lunch, or coffee. Avoid being alone in the house, or at least not long visits.

She lived at a distance so staying in a hotel gave us a safe space and we found it was less disruptive to her. She liked to have things a certain way at home and so staying there was a change for her.

She may start an emotional conversation. If you can listen, then OK. This is not reciprocal. Don't add your feelings to it. If it's too much, then end the discussion or find a way to leave. Expect to be blamed for whatever led to NC. Do not expect closure or accountability. If it were to happen- great-but realistically- not likely-  don't have expectations.

She may be triggered to vent to you. People in the closest position to the pwBPD may be the ones they project to. Have a plan for how to manage this for yourself. She will do/say what she does.

Moral support- have a therapist, a friend, someone you can call and talk to about the visit.

When you get home or after the call- elsf care- take walks, buy something nice to eat- do small caring things for yourself.

P.S.

I reread your post and wasn't sure if you were contemplating a phone call or meeting in person.  Since your sibling lives several hours away, I think I'd avoid any onerous travel requiring an "investment" of your time and money, because chances are, you might be disappointed.  I was thinking more in terms of a phone call.  My feeling is that you might have better luck meeting up with your sibling at a larger family event, such as a holiday dinner, where there will be a "buffer" of other people.  That way, your "investment" in travel won't be squandered if you and your sibling don't get along, because you will have spent time with your other relatives.  In addition, given the "buffer" of other people, chances are that your sibling will be on her best behavior--unless she is totally disordered and has meltdowns in front of the entire family.

If you were to meet in person, one-on-one, my suggestion would be to meet somewhere in the middle.  Why?  You won't be "invading" your sibling on "her turf."  You both make some effort to travel half way, making the reconciliation more "even."  If you are in a public place (a cafe, park, nail bar), chances are your sibling will be on her best behavior.  And you both have an easy exit if things go awry.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I'm weird, but I might propose an activity-based meet-up, as simple as a walk in a park.  I think there's something about walking side-by-side that makes the conversation flow a little easier, and it's OK to be silent for a while, too--there are all sorts of things to look at.  If the walk goes well, you can grab lunch or a coffee at a cafe, or make a little picnic. 

Hi there,

I totally get where you're coming from--just thinking about interacting with your pwBPD raises your anxiety level by an order of magnitude.  That suggests to me that maybe you need a little more time for no contact.  You could give yourself an excuse--you want to enjoy the summer, maybe the first one you've enjoyed in a long time.  If your sibling complains, there's your excuse:  you had a ton of fun this summer, and it flew by, you didn't realize how long it had been since you last spoke.

However, if you're determined to resume contact, my question is, do you need to rush into a one-on-one, live conversation?  Maybe you could start with something less intense--like a low-stakes text (Saw this and thought of you . . . hope you are well).  Maybe send a snapshot of a summer activity.  The hope is that she'll give it a thumbs up, and maybe share a similar picture herself.  I do that sort of thing with my siblings all the time--texting a snapshot of the beach, a weekend event, a critter in my yard--and they'll typically reply in a similar fashion.  How your sibling responds (in kind / with approval vs. a torrent of unrelated accusations and complaints vs. no response at all / blocking) will tell you if your sibling is ready for any sort of civil contact and reconciliation.  Think of it as dipping your toe into the water; if it's too cold, you can turn around and wait until it warms up a little, and then dip your toe in again.  How does that sound?