Hi SuperDaddy, thank you for your reply.

I am not sure if she had any issue before we got married and neither did she ever state that she has any anger issue or any fear of abandonment, these things are hard to put a finger on. She did mentioned that she was in therapy for a bit when she lost her mother in Covid but it did not raise any eyebrows for me and felt only fair. I am also not sure that she must have purposely deceived me, I think she was honest in our meetings. But I can give this one a benefit of doubt. All I knew was that she had two best friends, a male and a female but they had never met each other and in fact did not like either's mention in their conversations.

What affects me the most is that when I try to remember those times when we did used to argue and fight about any of her doubt which would just come out of nowhere, (eg. we going for shopping and I glance toward a woman which would make her insecure and she would suddenly just change her face and leave my hand abruptly and rush super fast to exit the location) later when she's a bit regulated usually after my forced admittance and apology, she would still never really empathize with me. I would end up feeling drained because of the disproportionate amount of apology I had to give for something I considered wasn't wrong to begin with.

I remember she would be super empathetic in the idealization phase in the relationship when I did share some of my deeper fears and events but I saw a lack of that post marriage.

I really wanted to be seen by her but I always felt unseen and unheard. When she was regulated, I would start to tell her how I felt post fight and would tell her about the degree of apology and just really express myself and all I received was either another argument or just a colder reply to it.

Another noteworthy item was that somehow we would end up just doing stuff she liked, she loved horror and we'd only watch that, she'd make me listen to dark music themes and we'd only hear those in the car. I remember that I asked her once to hear my music or watch a show of my liking but somehow we never did that. She would either sleep in the car or would take out her phone if we watch a show of my liking. I would also make plans to hear a podcast on couples conflicts or just relationship advice but she never made it important enough. I would feel a bit rejected but I guess I was only thanking that at least she's not dysregulated. My boundary setting here is really a huge issue and I am aware of it.

I read the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" and understood that I have this caretaker characteristic called "Protesting Colluder" which is defined in the book as: "You may never have been a Caretaker in other relationships, but you find yourself feeling guilty and responsible for this partner. Your high level of loyalty and logic keep you determined to work on this relationship until you get it right."

With this knowledge now, I feel that the characteristics we both have would always end up with an unstable family unless we both do a lot of therapy and then maybe in years to come things get better. I never had an issue ever in my prior relationships which makes me think that this one is bringing out my characteristics a bit too much are getting misused.

What I need to learn is that I need to create proper boundaries and what she needs to work on is her fear of abandonment and internal emptiness feeling which she fills with impulsive behaviors.

I have decided for separation and will be doing so today with family.

Hi Ronnie, 

I'm glad you reached out. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. What you're describing sounds painful and confusing, especially after a relationship that intense. 

From your post, it seems your ex was said to have BPD. You didn't say you have BPD yourself, though you did mention anxious attachment and some codependent habits. Many people here have been in relationships that felt similar, so you're not alone. 

One thing that stands out is the three months of no contact. Whatever the reasons on his side, the action is distance. That's hard to hold, I know. Still, it may help to lean on what you can see rather than trying to guess at what he might be thinking or feeling. 

You're already looking at your own patterns. That's a steady place to put your time and care, and maybe a way to feel a bit more grounded too.

 I'm glad you're here.

I very much empathize with your situation, and I can very much relate. It is incredibly difficult to love someone and want desperately to build a life with them, yet not be able to imagine a sustainable future together.

You asked about finding clarity and stability, so I will share based off my own experience. If you are planning on trying to continue the relationship, increasing stability and clarity can come about in part through figuring out exactly what you are able to handle in terms of her behaviours and what you are not going to handle anymore. You can then come up with clear boundaries for yourself so you know what to do in various situations. I know that you can't control her dysregulation, but especially now that you are separated, you do have more options for not tolerating abuse. You can hang up the phone, stop texting, leave the space etc if she yells, insults, throws things etc. If she threatens suicide, you can also calmly tell her you will call 911, rather than trying to soothe her yourself. You can also let her know that you will not proceed with the relationship unless she is seeing a therapist and/or attending a DBT group. At the same time, you can offer encouragement, warmth and support when she is behaving appropriately.

If you are able to really consistently apply your boundaries and stop focusing on "rescuing her", you are likely to find your nervous system calming down, as you will not be living in "crazy land" anymore. This can also help you to find clarity, as you will see what potential the relationship actually has when you are not living in so much chaos. I have found for myself that letting go of fear - fear of losing the relationship, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear that my partner can't cope without me, has been incredibly freeing. It is a work in progress though, as it's not that easy to just let go, and it takes time and concerted effort to change my thoughts.

A couple more suggestions. While you are living apart, take the time to work on yourself. I mean beyond the typical self-care that people always talk about, where they mean getting massages and taking a bubble bath. You can develop your spirituality if that is something you care about, exercise, read, work on becoming a stronger, happier person (fill in the blank with whatever pertains to your interests and situation). This will mean that the time spent figuring things out is not wasted in just waiting for something to happen or not. Also, I would very much encourage you to share your story with at least one trusted family member or friend who you think will be able to listen with empathy. It does not mean you can't get back together with your wife just because someone knows about what is really going on, and it could make you feel less alone if you didn't have to keep this a secret from everyone.

None of what I am saying is a perfect solution, as there is no perfect solution that I know of, and this is very challenging no matter what you do. Also...a heads up that it takes a lot of emotional strength to apply the boundaries and not rescue when you see someone struggling so much. However, this is what I have personally found to be helpful.

Oh PainLovePain, this was wild. In your first post, I didn't know things had gone so bad. Yes, this is really fully compatible with a BPD diagnosis. But the good news is that you are finally getting the information about her disorder.

I agree that in the long run it may be difficult for her to live with friends, unless she has a friend that is highly skilled with her disorder. But why don't you think she's capable of living on her own? Is it because she relied on you so much?

People with BPD tend to be dependent because they like to be taken care of, but once you cut the ties, they can show capabilities you never saw before. I think the best setting for them is to live by themselves, but it's better if they have close people who can support them emotionally here and there.

But I can see how the phrase "this is no longer my problem" can trigger the worst of the episodes. What works for them is the opposite. Things could have gone well if you had said something like, "I'm not sure now, but we can figure this out together," and supported her emotionally during her leave. However, she could then have done tricks to stay or just bluntly refused to leave. My wife refused to leave for a very long time, until she had no option.

Why haven't you talked to her over the last couple of days? That's not good. Are you doing this on purpose, or is she angry and silent? If you get angry at what she throws at you, just say you are not in the mood to talk, but don't say why (to avoid her feeling judged).

Antidepressants are frequently used with BPD patients, but all studies point out that they don't help with BPD symptoms at all. I think this is a mistake. Actually, the only meds that have proven to be helpful with BPD symptoms are the meds for ADHD and the opioid blockers. My wife is now on both. Today I was very sad because I was afraid she would not try the ADHD medication, but she did, and after she told me I felt so much better. I'm now full of hopes again. I don't care that we are away, as long as she is progressing.

And by the way, remember that when you said, "This is no longer my problem," you were ignoring the feelings you have for her, so you were not being honest with yourself. I hope you figure out how to undo the damage that this incident may have caused in your relationship. It's important to reconcile, but I can't recommend you just bring her back home.

It's been a very miserable 2.5 years.  It was always a mess of trying to figure out her emotions, sooth her, proclaim my love amongst the cheating accusations.  But over the past couple years, it has gotten completely out of hand.  The frequency of her splits grew ever more close, and revolved around the same topics.  Some would end with her threatenting suicide.  Some would end in massive sobbing apologies.  All were extremely difficult.  All followed amazing sex and closeness.

On Feb 12th, after nearly daily fights, she was in a love bombing phase.  I asked a very basic question about Valentine's Day plans, and this set her off.  She flipped.  By this point, I was done with the constant verbal and (sometimes) physical abuse.  I told her I can't do this anymore.  She screamed "fine you want an f'ing divorce you can have these."  She threw her rings at me and then slouched into the couch and said, "were am I supposed to go."  I told her that this was no longer my problem.  I'll withhold the details, but this resulted in me running out of the house, calling 911, police cars and helicopters, and a 5150 hold for her.  I went the next day to get a temporary restraining order. 

Over the following three days, she apologized profusely, said she's going to change, got on depression meds, said she's thinking clearly now and ready to be a wonderful wife to me, etc. etc.  I know that is just panic talk from her, but I've started to feel really bad for her.  I don't honestly think she's capable of living on her own, and her friends will get sick of her staying with them eventually.  Also, man I really really love her.  We've been together for 13 years, and we have had some amazing times.  We built plans.  We dreamed.  We had a life.  I hate the fact that everyone says that the relationship is unsustainable.  I hate the fact that it IS unsustainable.  I hate the fact that my nervous system is a mess from all of the "stuff" over the years that we do for them.  But, I love her. 

I haven't told family or friends about any of this because I still hold hopes that we can get back together and I don't want them to know, but that means I have nobody other than my counselor to talk to about this.  I've literally spent days learning all about BPD, and the facts don't look good for making this liveable.  I want her to be normal.  I want the "good" her.  I miss her to death.  I haven't talked to her in a couple days now, and it's eating me up.  I just feel very alone, very sad, second guessing myself, and wavering on the "its the end" thoughts.

Hi PainLovePain, and welcome to the family.

Can you elaborate more on what you are going through?
Do you feel like you are in a push-pull dynamic?
Does she say things that take you out of balance and make you very angry or defensive?
Do you feel like you have to hold yourself while she lashes out?
Are you unable to get a discussion settled?

I'm in a similar situation. I'm living apart from my wife, and this relationship isn't working for me, but I can't stray away because I deeply care for her. I do talk to her every day, and in the beginning of the living-apart experience, there were resentments on both sides, so she would snap at me a lot by text whenever I expressed negative emotions. However, after I left behind my resentments and expressed full love and acceptance of her, things went smoothly. We have reached a point in which there is no more conflict. Except if I allow her to come for two nights, but that's taking too much risk.

I hope you find out how to do the same.

I'm only a week into my decision to end my relationship, but maybe a week is a good time to reflect on, even just for myself!
How does it show up for you at this point? I agonized over the decision to leave for months and cried for most of that time too, which is maybe why I'm mostly left with relief now. In the last week I've felt lonely and sometimes panicked, but I've also felt really free and resolute.
Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else? Stops and starts, but then it's only been a week! Letting my emotions rise and fall and trusting they will pass has been helpful.
What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far? The doubt that got to me while taking months to make my choice is the thing that's getting to me now - was it foolish to throw away a relationship with someone who really loved me? I'm worried that I'll miss the connection we had even more as the relief of walking away dries up - how could it ever be okay that I needed to let her go? Of course, I still think of her as incredible person, someone who I shared very significant parts of my life with. And yeah, I feel very guilty because I bet this break up feels like a catastrophe for her (it does for me too, but not in the same way).

Hi Horselover,

I think you have a good point, but you are not framing it correctly. I think the issue is not with fear being a short-term motivation. The issue is that the fear itself is usually short-lived, and therefore it will have short-term effects.

However, if the circumstances don't allow the fear to be extinguished, then it will be a long-term motivator. That's not easy, but it's exactly what happens in the example I have just quoted: the fear of actually dying like her best friend did.

In the case of my wife, the fear of being forced out was short-lived. However, now that we live apart, she has a tendency to fear being replaced, and this will be permanent as long as we are apart. So instead of trying to remove her fear by constantly reassuring her, I could try to use that to direct her into more treatment adherence. However, before adding any pressure, I would have to change my attitude. I have been constantly checking on her and talking to her all day long, which communicates reassurance.

To be taken seriously, the words must match with the attitudes. It must be congruent. But sometimes we just aren't ready to step back anymore. For instance, the loss of a job may make us feel vulnerable.

Hi everyone — I’m new here and honestly pretty overwhelmed.

I’ve been in a long-term marriage that has had a lot of intense ups and downs over the past several years. When things between us are good, they are truly wonderful. But when conflict happens, it can escalate quickly and leave me feeling emotionally exhausted and on edge.

Recently things reached a crisis point, and we are currently separated with no contact for the time being. Since then I’ve been trying to understand the patterns in our relationship, and my counselor suggested that my wife may have traits consistent with BPD. I know that’s not something to diagnose from the outside, but a lot of what I’m reading is resonating.

What I’m struggling with most right now is the emotional whiplash — part of me deeply misses her and the good in our relationship, and part of me feels completely worn down and unsure whether the dynamic is sustainable long-term.

I care about her very much and genuinely hope she gets the support she needs. At the same time, I’m trying to listen to my own nervous system, which has been pretty overwhelmed for a while.

If anyone here has been in a similar place — especially navigating separation while still caring deeply — I would really appreciate hearing what helped you find clarity and stability.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Love,

I think many parents on these boards have felt something similar.  I know I have, given an adult BPD stepdaughter who attempted suicide multiple times.  I felt like I was on suicide watch for several years, which was not fun at all.  And like your son, my stepdaughter was prone to raging outbursts.  Though she didn't threaten to kill a pet, once she made thinly veiled threats to a relative, for a trumpted-up infraction so bizarre it was scary--her relative offered water, and BPD stepdaughter thought that was condescending and abusive, punishible with violence.  That's how serious and out-of-control things got.

May I ask, how old is your son?  Is he living with you?  Is he clean, or do you think he's self-medicating with illicit substances?  Does he have any friends whatsoever?  Is he in school or working at all?  If he were able to take just one class, or hold just one job for a day or two, that's something positive.  With BPD, I think it helps to think in terms of baby steps.

First off, please know that this is NOT your fault, no matter what your son says.  You are NOT responsible for his ill feelings.  My guess is he's trying to blame you for all his problems, right?  I think the victim mindset is probably the worst part of BPD, because it renders your son feeling powerless, not responsible for his own life.

Second, you need to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your son if you are a basket case.  It's good you're getting therapy, if you think it helps.  More than anything, your son needs you to be the healthy, calm and rational one.

Finally, please don't take what your son says personally.  His emotions are out of control, and he's hurling (probably projecting) them onto you.  You can choose not to engage with him when he's mean or threatening, because engaging means adding fuel to the fire.  I think it's best that you try not to get sucked in, and stay calm.  One tequinique is never to JADE when he's upset (justify, argue, defend and explain).  Another technique is to gray rock--be as calm and boring as a gray rock, so as not to add fuel to the emotional fire, in the hopes that your calmness will rub off.  In other words, when your son goes on an emotional rollercoaster, you can choose not to ride alongside him, but rather wait patiently at the exit.