Hi Northern, I feel you here.  I am a mom of 4 extremely active kids (who is responsible for pretty much all of their activities outside of getting them to and home from school), work fulltime as well as have 2 PRN positions, pay just about all of the house bills, do just about all of the shopping (food, clothes, shoes, etc), outside of 1 load of dishes that my uBPDh does every morning am responsible for cleaning the house, take care of our 3 cats and was told this weekend that he will no longer be responsible for mowing the grass or weeding or any outside of the house responsibilities.  Ummmm....so basically my H is responsible for getting our 2 youngest to and home from school (the school is 1 block from our house) and his work, which he works from home and my count is that he works what would be considered a half day to most, makes more money than me but pays very little to the household.  I am extremely resentful, but then remember that I have chosen to stay in this relationship which means that to me, it is my responsibility to give my all for my family regardless of what he does.  I do my best to live MY life no matter what my H does or says.  As you know, there are days that this is so hard, close to impossible, but I do try my best to not let "his ups and downs" control my and our kids' lives. 

My H knows that I, rightfully so, am exhausted and in his "nice moods" acknowledges all that I do.  I am not sure if this answers your question but this is how I dealt with the last episode...this past weekend, on Friday night I leave the house to take my S15 to the gym.  As I get in my car, our neighbor comes over and asks if we have gotten a notice from the HOA about all of the weeds in our yard, as they did and they had noticed that ours was worse than theirs, we had not but I am imagining one coming.  As a side note, I mowed our grass 3 weeks ago, got yelled at for doing so at 7 pm (clearly I am doing it for attention from the neighbors and not because it was close to 100 degrees out during the day) and my H told me at least once a week since that he would cut the grass that week and do the weeds, which looked like they were taking over the rocky portion of our yard, so I was not to do them.  When I got back from taking our son to the gym, I told my H what our neighbor had said and his response was that I am welcome to do so, that he is too busy and will not be doing anything with the yard, that its been that way for awhile and I need to step up.  I wanted to yell back at him and justify, but instead turned around and walked away (though I will admit that I did say under my breath something not nice about me doing everything and him doing nothing!...don't do that part) and asked my kids if they wanted to play a game.  He ignored me for the rest of the night, and I continued on trying to enjoy my night with the kids and not show my aggrivation.  The next day, my h left for the gym and the kids and I left for my D11's basketball tournament.  I sent my H a text to let him know where the kids and I were, and invited him to the games (the game schedule is on our shared calendar, but for some reason he needs an individual invitation to any of the kid's games).  I though I was being nice by doing so, but got an onslaught of awful texts saying that its too late for my invite, that he is seeing patterns in me and he thinks that I am recording him so he thinks he needs to start recording me, that I am mean and I lie, and the onslaught continued.  My response was "I am sorry you are feeling this way, but as usual, I won't respond to over the top accusations."  They continued, and my response was "I am sorry you are struggling" (I know that you are supposed to keep it about you only, but thats what came out), his response was that I am crazy and need a lot of help.  I responded "I am sorry you are struggling, I love you", he responded that I need help and a heart...and I stopped responding and his responses stopped as well.  I continued to act regular the rest of the day when we got home and he ignored me, trying to glob on to our 2 young kids and buy their love by taking them to an arcade while my 2 oldest and I did the yard.  Less than 24 hours later, he tells me how much he loves me and thanks me for everything that I do. 

The only way that I can keep myself sane, is to step away when the craziness begins and continue to remind myself that this is his issue, I have done nothing wrong and the last time I tried to "talk" things out with him, things only got worse.  I have been told by an old therapist to say "The most loving thing I can do for you right now is to walk away", then walk away every time the cycle begins.     

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062515.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Suddenly in some neutral text contact with swubpd after period of NC-LC.  It's interesting to see how I'm reacting.  Contact feels good in some way but is also scary!  And I'm trying to accept that feeling instead of thinking that there's something wrong with me or that something awful is going to happen. Also need to remind myself that if/as we reconnect, I can set some boundaries for myself and handle whatever comes.

Thank you both so much. I can't tell you how much your perspectives are helping me through this. I am proud of how I approached the conversation, owning my own feelings and needs with a firm boundary on us needing to work together, but also listening to her with love and compassion. Instead of reciprocating, she dredged up more accusations. I didn't react with anger, just reassured her those were not signs of me abandoning her.

Normally, my system gets flooded in these emotional times with her, but I kept your tips in mind and stayed calm, focusing on my feelings, needs, and mental health instead of rushing to accommodate hers. She's not used to me holding my boundaries, so when I wouldn't budge on therapy, that's when she said she had to go. But you're right, she has a lot to think about, and none of it was mean or unkind.

I felt stronger than ever afterward, regardless of what happens to the relationship. I keep hearing Pook's advice: "You're actually making a shift in the relationship without realizing it." I'd gotten so lost in this relationship that it felt normal to just navigate her behavior, feelings, and needs, but I've got to step out of caregiver mode to be a healthy, happy person, with or without a relationship. That is freeing.

Follow your gut; there's no wrong move here.  If you need more time, then take it.

I do also have a big problem with overfunctioning. I pay the bills, do most of the house work, do the cooking. And human brain is not very good at being in tune with absolute levels, so I dont usually get appreciation for carrying the household on daily basis, but get slammed if I fall behind on anything. Which builds a lot of resentment. Knowing that stress is what usually triggers this in her, Ive spent years trying to get ahead of it and trying to resolve things she'll find stressful, but she just finds other smaller things to get upset about and find a way to label how somehow this problem was at least partially caused by me, sometimes requiring extreme mental gymnastics. And I fail to just switch to BPD partner mode, try to rationalize this situation which obviously doesn't work, get torn down, spend hours trying to rebuild myself back up and the circle of resentment continues. And this circle makes me withdraw more from her in daily interractions, probably triggers fear of abandonment in her, and the cycle repeats...

Great advice, thanks to both of you.

When I talked about becoming overwhelmed, I was referring to the argument more specifically- using disrespectful language, yelling, slamming doors etc, especially when I'm holding the baby. Ive told her many times when she's calm how awful these things make me feel, and they get weaponized against me when she's in the midst of one of these episodes, which happens more than daily these days.

I do take my health very seiously - I think without having daily physical exercise as an outlet I dont know how I would've survived. But you are right that my mental health is suffering from this, I end up in very destructive loops sometimes filled with negative and sometimes self destructive thoughts, which is why I urgently think I need to find myself a good therapist.

I think one big mental lock for me is the feeling of injustice in these interractions - any real or perceived wrong doing from my side has to always be punished 10x, after which I'm supposed to just apologize and then she'll move on, often without reciprocating or accepting any responsibility. Ultimately I undertake that expecting this to ever be balanced during the episodes is a foolish thought that doesnt serve me well, and I should probably just accept that world is not a just place and while I can do my best to treat people with dignity, I can only protect myself against people who do the opposite to me, I cant change them.

During non stressful periods, and towards people other than me or her family (or outside people who get on her nerves when she feels wronged), she is still the warm and wonderful person that I first fell in love with. And she does take her role as a mother seriously and has shown our baby nothing but love. Becoming a father has been the absolute best thing in my life, and I couldn't imagine a life where I'm not able to see our baby grow up.

And thank you for reminding me of JADE - Ive read about this before, but ultimately almost all serious blow ups are a result of me failing to abort the conversation early and engaging in any of these behaviors.

Thank you. This is all great advice. I totally agree that being the plaintiff would be a more comfortable position to be in.
Given the fact that we haven’t had any communication since this last episode, I really don’t know what she could be thinking or feeling. I am actually quite surprised that she hasn’t contacted me.
Typically, I would try to make contact after a few days if I hadn’t heard from her. While there is a strong urge to do that now, I am reluctant because I do feel as if I am gaining more clarity by the day. I am a bit torn as to whether or not I should reach out. 

For BPD, feelings equal facts. 

If I say, "Hey Big Mac, what do you like about me?"  You reply with, "I don't know, I guess you're a good enough person."  I'd probably laugh and think Mac just can't express his emotions.  But with your BPD partner, they'd hear that and think that you've never cared about them, you're just using them until someone better comes along, and you are verbally abusive.

So let's talk about why you love your partner.  Be vulnerable- what do you actually like about them?

- Are they kind, loyal, dependable?
- Are they thoughtful and considerate?
- Do they make any aspect your life easier?  If yes, what?
- Do they stand up for you to others?
- Do you have kids?  If so, how are they with the kids?
- Do they cook meals?  Clean the house?  Organize the pantry?
- Do they have a job?  Do they contribute to finances?
- Are they loving and affectionate?
- Is your partner good looking?  Does she dress well?  Does she turn heads?
- Does your partner show up for you when you need help?
- Does your partner do things for you 'just because'?

As you can see, there's a million things you can compliment someone over and it doesn't take that much thought to come up with a list of 5-10 things that you really appreciate.  For instance, my BPD ex was almost always smiling, always positive.  Her smile made me smile, even when I was having a bad day.  Another thing, if we ate somewhere and I really loved what we ordered, she'd try her best to re-make that at home.  Usually, the failed spectacularly...but she tried for me and that meant a lot.

Find a few things you genuinely appreciate, it's worth the time and effort.

To counter Forever's point, you haven't talked for several days and your partner is in mental crisis.  The blame was 100% expected because she had two options- blame you or admit that she has some serious problems within.  Although it didn't go well, at least she heard you and it's given her things to think about.

I do agree with his points though, these relationships are so hard to repair long-term when a partner with mental illness begins to spiral.  Any conversations in the next little bit will likely be similar to what you just went through.  It's part of the process and it is incredibly sad.

Remember, this is the time to focus on what's best for you.  The relationship will work out or it will fail, and that's largely outside of your control.  But if you find yourself once again and begin to make healthy choices, then you're going to walk away from this a winner no matter what.  The prize is not the relationship; it never was.  The prize is getting back to a healthy, balanced life where you're not constantly under stress and worry.