No I haven't decided. It feels too painful at the moment. I looked through our wedding album yesterday. Only 2 years ago we were so happy. I was so happy. Unlike my first marriage I had no doubts at all. I had no idea he was keeping secrets and lying to me all along. I do not recognise the man I'm sharing my house with today.

I know that no contact (as best we can when we need to sort a divorce) is best in theory but my heart can't go there yet. I feel so broken today

Hi Grumpy,

Welcome to the group, I'm glad you found us.  That your therapist and you suspect BPD is likely for a very good reason.  Though BPD is on a spectrum, many of its themes are predictable:  the erratic emotions, seeing things in black or white, feeling slighted at every turn, the seemingly endless traumas, the fear of abandonment, the low self-esteem and plaguing self-doubt.  Some associated behaviors are typical here:  sudden, angry outbursts that seem unwarranted and/or over-the-top, impulsive quitting (jobs, relationships), volatile relationships (estrangement from family, loss of close friends, interpersonal conflict at the workplace), and assuming ill intent in others, bordering on paranoia.  Sometimes I think it comes down to having very thin skin (figuratively of course), which means she feels everything intensely, and she also has trouble healing from her wounds.  She has a tendency to dredge up ancient grievances, picking at her scabs over and over again, rather than deal with the present.  She has difficulty controling her emotions, which really shows up in important relationships, and often in her work.  I think that's because she experiences life as an endless series of traumas, and so she has a trauma-based, fight-or-flight response to ordinary situations.  Does all that ring any bells?  I think it's classic BPD, even if your wife is probably high functioning, given her certifications and professional stature.

One thing that stands out in your post is your mention of things getting worse in the last year, making your life a living hell.  I'm wondering, what do you think might have changed?  In my experience, big changes and/or increased stress in general can be a BPD trigger.  Granted, a period of unemployment can be stressful for anyone, if only for the uncertainty and lack of a structured routine, not to mention the loss of income and lack of "purpose."  By the same token, jobs can be stressful, too.  Maybe your wife's job was too demanding, and she felt incapable and insecure?  Or maybe there were other changes, such as a sibling having a first child, and she feels insanely jealous?  Or maybe a sickness or death of someone close to her?  Or a move; maybe her parents sold her childhood home, and she feels "abandoned," even if you or I wouldn't bat an eyelash over that?

Anyway, one thing I've noticed with BPD is that oftentimes, accusations--especially baseless accusations--are really projections about their own insecurities.  That's because they are ruminating so much about something, that it's always top of mind, and so that theme emerges as projection when they engage with you when emotions are running high.  If you listen for the feelings behind what your wife is saying, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of what is really bothering her.  I can't help but notice that she's accusing you of not loving her and being "abusive" when she doesn't have a job.  To me, that might be code for, "I feel worthless when I'm not working, I'm useless and a failure, I don't even know who I am anymore, I'm unloveable."  What I see are themes of deep insecurity.  What you could do is reassure her.

It may be that your wife's job or hours are just too stressful, because she spends so much mental energy thinking about supposedly "toxic" coworkers instead of focusing on doing her job.  I agree with you that there are difficult coworkers everywhere, but unless they report to you, there's probably little you can do about them, and the best course of action is to focus and be professional at all times.  Yet your wife just might not be able to handle this.  Maybe she needs fewer hours, or to work on smaller teams, or maybe as an individual contributor?  I find that pwBPD typically need extra downtime, because the stress (and insecurity) they feel in a work situation is super-sized.

Having written that, no matter how much you want to help, you can't control or cure BPD.  That's in your wife's hands.  The only person you control is you, and how you respond to your wife's behavior.  I'd say, if your wife's meanness and accusations are stressing you out and riling you up, you need to take a break.  You can say as much, "This is stressing me out, I need to get some air."  That way, you give yourself a break to calm down, while at the same time, you give your wife extra time and space to get control of her emotions.  In addition, here we recommend not to JADE, short for justify, argue, defend and explain, when your wife is in a state of emotional distress.  That's because JADEing deals with facts, while your wife's currency is emotions.  When she's raging mad, she can't process anything you have to say anyway.  You wait until she's calm to bring up any facts, OK?

Again, welcome, there are many members here with experience and ideas.

To elaborate a little more on what has been going on:  My wife constantly accuses me of psychological abuse.  She has a number of interconnected themes that she dwells on that make up a rather complex and oftentimes totally irrational story about how I marginalize her, insult her, fail to support her, hate her, etc.  One of the overarching themes is her employment.  Since we have been married she has had at least 12 jobs, never for more than a year, always quitting because of various slights against her at work.  Now, my wife did not grow up in the U.S. and speaks English with an accent (she also has several professional degrees and certifications, and she is very good at what she does).  I believe her that she has experienced some very unpleasant and toxic coworkers.  My suggestion has always been to learn how to coexist with these people, since you will find them in any job and they cannot always be avoided.  In short, this has led to her belief that my sense of her worth is tied to her employment:  if she has a job, I love her and treat her well, if she is unemployed I mistreat her.  This is an article of faith for her now, and nothing I do or say can seem to overcome it.  In fact, she has repeated this so much I almost believe it myself.  Is it true that subconsciously I really don't value or love her?  Can she see my feelings better than I can myself?  It is a source of confusion for me.

...more to come...

I love my wife.  She is sweet, intelligent, beautiful, and loyal.  We have been married for 12 years, and have been in counseling for about 9, on and off.  But the last year in particular has been a living hell for both of us.  Last week our therapist recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells to me (alone) and it has blown my mind.  My confusion has lessened, but it's not gone.

1)  When I go through the diagnostic checklist as dispassionately as possible, she scores about 8 or 9 hits.  12 is cause for concern, 16 is grave.
2)  Some of the symptoms are spot on (sudden violent anger).  But some seem to be the exact opposite (doesn't seem to be afraid to walk away, potential divorce has been brought up many times recently).
3)  How can I know if she really has a problem?  Maybe it really is me, like she says?  Or both of us?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to learning more.

I don't think either of the perspectives are right or wrong. FD- your response is about the legal aspect of separation and divorce, and it is spot on.

Mine is from growing up with my BPD mother making threats she didn't follow through on and the times I acted on them, or believed them, and felt like I fell into the "reaction" pit she intended them to be. The divorce threats weren't specific to me but they were threats that she didn't act on.

Some threats were real but they were more like the impulsive ones. To get a separation/divorce means making a plan and acting on it- consuting a lawyer, getting papers together. If what she wanted was a quicker emotional reaction, this wouldn't work. It might happen if someone seriously pursues it.

However it is always good to be informed about the process and any pittfalls should that ever happen, for either spouse. It's true that one can't predict how any one relationship will proceed.

As you can see here in this thread, you can receive helpful ideas and comments from a variety of perspectives.  In this case, I approached it from the experience of someone who had experienced a separation, the ex didn't want to reconcile and it led to a divorce and separate parenting.  I guess I'm a facts and logic sort of guy.  The others approached it from a different direction, that often the other spouse doesn't really want what was verbalized in the moment, especially if that's not an uncommon event.

It's difficult to predict how each family's discord will turn out, so from the variety of perspectives and ideas generally we can determine how to proceed although also knowing that our eventual outcomes can take a while to become evident.

Collectively, we all seek Closure, it's something we crave from deep within ourselves that we also crave from the other.  Yet the BPD traits are so pervasive in the other that receiving meaningful closure is unlikely and can even prolong the pain.  So what to do?  Many here found that we had to Gift ourselves Closure rather than expecting it from the other.

Hi Innerpeace,

To achieve inner peace, I'd recommend trying a positive internal dialogue, even if it seems hard at first, maybe something like this:

I assume the best in others at first--sharing a vacation photo is completely normal.  It looks like the family is having a nice vacation, and that's great, I'm happy for them.  Actually, I'm relieved I wasn't included, because spending time in close quarters like that with two pwBPD is bound to be too stressful for me.  I can only handle them in very small doses, in controlled environments, and I wouldn't want to use up so much of my precious vacation time worrying about how I'm going to handle the inevitable BPD tension.  I'm just glad the kids got to see that vacation spot, which I loved as a kid too.  As for me, I've got my own exciting vacation plans lined up, a fun and relaxing trip, with people I actually enjoy spending time with, which is way better for me anyway.  I'm so glad I emerged from all that BPD dysfunction I grew up with and created a peaceful and fulfilling life for me.  Sure, I wish it hadn't been so tough for me growing up, but that background makes me appreciate all the wonderful things in my life right now all the more.

My response to the photo?  A heart or a thumbs up, and I mean it, too.

Then don't react to her threats if she doesn't do more than that. Also know that the BPD behavior is part of the situation. Without her doing the work in therapy, and staying with it- this is who she is. You can do your part in how to manage your end of it.

It's not possible to control her choices and if she wanted to leave and follow through on that- this would be her work to do too. Don't do it for her.

Your task then is to find your own peace within this situation. Get counseling for your own support. As CC43 suggested- carve out your time with the kids. Outings with my father are good memories for me.

If you want control of the finances- you will need to do that. My BPD mother's spending was out of control and difficult to manage.

Some great replies and insights into our situation. As always, thank you

I don't really want to get separated from my wife. Through stops and restarts, we have built a Life here. We have a good home to live in. Gardens and tree houses for the kids to play in. I have it pretty good, personally. I have really good kids and a great job.