That is a very heavy situation. It is logical that you feel conflicted between empathy and self-preservation.

One of the things that jumps out at me is that you already did an experiment with offering financial support, and it didn’t change anything. So, that is already known.

You are not wrong to set boundaries with regards to the money. It is acceptable to slow down and look after yourself as you try to process what, if anything, you want to be involved with.

You don’t have to get through all of this right away.

The relief you’re feeling from taking space is important. That’s your nervous system telling you something. It doesn’t erase the love or the grief ~ both can exist at the same time.

You don’t have to solve citizenship, housing, work, and your marriage all in one decision. Maybe the first step is just stabilizing yourself a bit more and building a small support net. Clarity usually comes when we’re not in survival mode.

I agree that boundaries have to be actions, not just repeating the same position.

As others have mentioned, the logistics and kids make this more complicated than simply “remove yourself.” For me, setting limits would look more like this:

~ I’m not going to keep debating open marriage. My position is clear.

~ If she chooses to pursue other relationships anyway, I’ll make decisions based on that rather than argue about it.

~ If self-harm or suicide language shows up, I involve professionals. I’m not trying to judge intent.

~ And I’m stepping back from absorbing or managing the emotional fallout.

That’s what reinforcing a boundary means in this situation.

Some clarification- there really aren't shelters in the US for domestic disagreements and there are no public ones. There are some limited ones for women in domestic violence situations. These are privately run, spaces and availability are limited. Legally, in the US, Max does not have the option of putting his wife out of the house. Neither can he just up and leave as this would be considered legal abandonment. The only real option is legal separation.

IMHO, for Max- you are more in a reactive position. You have a boundary according to what you want, but when it's crossed, then what to do about it isn't so clear, because I really think you don't want to leave. 

This isn't criticism- I observed this with my parents. My BPD mother would do something that to me, was unacceptable. Dad, not wanting to leave, would somehow rationalize it.

It's a challenge to act on a boundary when you don't want to, and are married to a spouse who stretches the limits of them. However I think even pwBPD have a sense of what is too far. This is why, I have a hunch that Max's wife may have started something with another woman but may not have "gone too far" with the relationship. It's possible she may have self sabotaged it.

Welcome. You are not alone in this. The conflict between the two of you is often as distressing as the child’s behavior. When you’re ready, it would be helpful to know if your son lives at home and what you and your husband disagree about.

I also agree that if you went through with getting her an apartment, it wouldn't solve the situation. If she wanted to do that, she'd have made her own plans. I agree with not going along with that.

Have you considered removing yourself from the situation when she starts this? I did that too. I might try validation first but if she continued being verbally cruel, I just excused myself and left the room, or the house.

This is difficult to do if there are children at home but that isn't the case with you. Have you also ever considered going to a hotel for a few days? (be sure this isn't considered legal abandonment as that is considered in divorce- to actually just leave would be but I don't know about a night or two). Has anyone here done that with a spouse?

What CC43 said about validation may seem contradictory to what I said- but not really as it's in context of the whole relationship and goals. It's when there's an immediate choice- in the moment- between validating the feeling behind an accusation, and trying to prove that the accusation isn't true, validating the feeling is a tool to take down the drama on your part. I doesn't change the other person, but escalation takes two and not arguing their point may help.

The goal of the tools is not to change the other person. It's not possible to do that. However, each relationship is different and BPD is on a spectrum. I think most people come to this board wanting to at least try to improve the relationship, and that can take learning some skills to deal with it. If this leads to the relationship working better, perhaps that relationship can be maintained.

However, as stated, there's not one solution for all relationships. Sometimes the better option is to not remain in the relationship. Sometimes one of the two wants to leave- each has free will. We don't tell posters to stay or leave as the choices and circumstances are individual.

It's one thing to be accused of being hurtful, but when it's constant and cruel, like the comment posted about you needing to hurt- steps for self protection are options. In my situation, while validating helped to tone down the drama when we visited, it did not stop the critical and hurtful remarks. It was more managable because we didn't live in the same house. It wasn't a marital relationship. Living with someone where the anger and criticism are constant and don't change, even with best attempts, may require other decisions.

You can maintain your boundary and still leave the door open. Reaching out does not mean you accept the past behavior; it means you’re willing to engage if it’s respectful.

I agree 100% with this assessment.  "Looking for neighborhoods" is likely an attempt to manipulate YOU.  She's probably looking for a grand gesture, to be begged not to leave, which would make her feel better temporarily, but would also give her license to continue to treat you poorly.  I'd advise, if you find a place for your wife, she may agree to move out, but later she would twist the narrative and say you threw her out.  She'll say the new place is horrible and likely try to move back in with you, saddling you with the costs of moving/disruption as well as an unused apartment.

My guess is she has zero intention of moving out.  If she wants to move out, what's stopping her?  She's an adult, she can find a place to rent and can sign a rental agreement, and she can hire movers too.  Look, my young adult BPD stepdaughter finally figured out how to move out, and though she had some support with moving and rental payments, she got it done.  If she can do it, your spouse could do it, if she really wanted to.  That's what I was referring to in my quote above:  "You want to move, how am I stopping you?"  That quote isn't as mean as it might sound.  Basically it pushes the responsibility away from me and back onto her.  This is crucial for somebody who has a victim mindset all the time.  They generally expect OTHERS to rule their life, when the reality is, they have to start taking responsibility for it, and facing the consequences of their own decisions.  The blame game needs to stop at some point.  Maybe the first step is to stop playing it yourself.

maxsterling,

You said you have reinforced your boundary. But do you mean to just state it? That's only reinforcing the statement, not the boundary itself. Here is a description of what it is to actually reinforce boundaries:

"Reinforcing boundaries requires consistently following through with stated consequences when limits are ignored, moving from passive discomfort to active self-protection. It involves clearly communicating needs, staying firm without needing to justify them, and, if necessary, removing yourself from situations that violate your well-being."

Note that if the boundary is being crossed, you have to remove yourself from the situation, and that's the part you don't seem to be carrying on, since you are still on the receiving end of it.

When you don't go through with the consequences, your word loses its value. The result is that you just get walked over more and more. But I'm unsure what you allow or disallow. It seems like your boundary is about her not having sex, since you said it was ok for her to meet the first W. If she didn't have sex, doesn't that mean that she hasn't crossed your boundary?

Anyway, the fact that you have shelters in your country is a great advantage, and it takes from you a lot of the responsibility. She will survive. If you wish and she accepts, you can give her emotional support throughout this process by visiting her in the shelter, and that could have a positive impact on her outcome. I hope that makes you feel less guilty.