My BPD daughter seemed like a world-class expert at manipulating therapists. But maybe that's not what was actually happening.
For therapy to help, a bond must be built and trust has to be earned. So when my daughter went into therapy and ranted about everyone in her life, the therapist would show compassion. They had no choice because they had to build trust. And if we're being honest here, BPDs are suffering emotionally whether their perception is correct or invalid. The suffering is real regardless and it does deserve compassion.
BPDs always have a faorite person as well, and if the therapist does their job right, they'll be a candidate for that title. My daughter would notoriously accept any advice she agreed with from a session and ignore anything that she didn't like, coming out of therapy saying something like, "My therapist thinks you're a complete monster that ruined my life."
The therapist never said that, at least not in that way, and there was a big lead-up saying how my kid could improve her relationship with dad by being kind and patient. But my kid heard what she heard, making it seem like the therapy is a disaster and counter-productive.
What's the alternative though? The therapist can be direct and blunt, and my kid would never return. Or the therapist can build a relationship and aim for small gains over time. It's one or the other.
So don't take what a BPD says about therapy at face value; it's not the full story and it's the best they can get for where they're at mentally. Until they're ready to actively change, nothing will happen. It's still beneficial for them to have that relationship though over time to build trust and steer past the worst of their obstacles.
I think this is spot on, and probably the strategy some of the best therapists take. For therapy to help, a bond must be built and trust has to be earned. So when my daughter went into therapy and ranted about everyone in her life, the therapist would show compassion. They had no choice because they had to build trust. And if we're being honest here, BPDs are suffering emotionally whether their perception is correct or invalid. The suffering is real regardless and it does deserve compassion.
BPDs always have a faorite person as well, and if the therapist does their job right, they'll be a candidate for that title. My daughter would notoriously accept any advice she agreed with from a session and ignore anything that she didn't like, coming out of therapy saying something like, "My therapist thinks you're a complete monster that ruined my life."
The therapist never said that, at least not in that way, and there was a big lead-up saying how my kid could improve her relationship with dad by being kind and patient. But my kid heard what she heard, making it seem like the therapy is a disaster and counter-productive.
What's the alternative though? The therapist can be direct and blunt, and my kid would never return. Or the therapist can build a relationship and aim for small gains over time. It's one or the other.
So don't take what a BPD says about therapy at face value; it's not the full story and it's the best they can get for where they're at mentally. Until they're ready to actively change, nothing will happen. It's still beneficial for them to have that relationship though over time to build trust and steer past the worst of their obstacles.
While the person my mom saw is a person of quality character and good standing, the fact that mom came away from that first and only visit dissing the counselor probably means she moved too quickly, didn't take the necessary time to build a relationship with mom, said something that mom didn't want to hear, and mom with her emotional paper thin skin had a big explosive reaction, and that was the end of counselling for the rest of her life. In the counselors defense, she couldn't have known mom was BPD. But I'll bet she recognized and suspected it afterwards.

This speaks to Pook's points. Sessions between a pwBPD and the therapist are a bit of a dance. The therapist has to be highly skilled to be the "lead" in a dance that could implode or combust at a single wrong step.
So while we all have stories that may seem to us like the therapist is reinforcing skewed perspectives, maybe for the skilled ones there may be more going on.
Then again, I lived my life by my value of trying to be a good daughter. I made my mother my matron of honour at our wedding, I included her on holidays with my family, I even included her on holidays with our friends (which led to her claiming them as HER friends
), I nursed her after her early falls, and all the million little things I would do for her to be kind, or remembered or feel loved... But as she aged and her "needs" (physical, social, emotional, cognitive) amplified, I was obligated to do more and more to PROVE my love. I was in my late 50's before I accepted that nothing I could do would ever be enough, and I was "done" with having my kindness returned with negativity, blaming, accusations, toxic emotional abuse, and even hate. More to the point, if I couldn't meet one of mom's "needs" immediately when she needed it (like replacing a phone for her when I wasn't in the country), then she would say things like "you only think of yourself", and "you don't love me!"So to take Pook's points one step further, if his theory is in fact the approach taken by T's working with BPD, then from the perspective of the BPD, the T may only be as good as the "last time they validated the BPD's perspective", and when the relationship goes south, it goes fast.
With my mom, it didn't matter all I had done the previous 55 years if her need of the moment wasn't met. All that seemed "dry erased" (borrowing a phrase from NW), and the only thing that mattered was that I wasn't meeting her immediate need right NOW. It took me YEARS to accept that, because it just seemed so unreasonable, and irrational.
Marsha Linehan, creator of DBT revealed she had BPD as a teenager. So there it is. Good things can happen. But if we've landed on this board and in these conversations, our BPD person probably isn't a Marsha Linehan type.
Still, Pook's point brings a perspective that is worth being aware of.


