Thank you very much for your replies. These are really helpful. ForeverDad, Unfortunately separation before my daughter goes to university in 18 months is not an option due to complicated immigration issues. Notwendy, I have read your messages several times. It has helped me to understand your perspective as daughter. I believe my daughter is definitely becoming more emotionally mature than her mother (not something that I like, I would have preferred her to have her teenage upheaval without worrying about a parent).

Based on all your comments, I am trying to make as much respite and space for daughter as I can create. I have also made greater space for her to speak her mind to me, and to ensure that she remans connected with her friends. I will definitely try to get as usb counselling support for her as I can muster.

I wonder- how much of your D's worry is about what she may have heard from her mother ? Not to blame the mother- but due to the mother's BPD thinking and the D being in the position of emotional caretaker? (I was by age 14).

BPD mother didn't seem to connect people's reactions to her behavior. It was something else- their fault or someone else's fault. She also would put people up to "fixing" the situation for her, even if it may not have made logical sense. Feelings aren't logical.

PwBPD have difficulty with boundaries. You are able to keep the boundary between saying just enough and not too much, but I don't know if your wife can do this. Divorce is difficult and there will be feelings about this on both you and your wife's part. Although my parents didn't divorce, when there were conflicts, BPD mother would express her feelings with us.

Again, this isn't to blame her-she was responsible for her actions but she had poor boundaries herself and could not discern what was not to share, but I didn't know that at age 14. This is a lot for a 14 year old but this was a "normal" in our family.

Karpman triangle dynamics were prominent in my family. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD mother remained in victim position. Other family members either took on rescuer position, or persecutor position. These positions and configurations could change, with BPD mother taking victim position. Dad was mainly in rescuer position, but if there were issues with my father- he was in persecutor position. We kids might feel the need to rescue or fix.

I think it's still important to keep the boundary of not speaking critically to your D about her mother. However, when your D asks questions of you, or cries and is sad- one idea is to ask her what is she worried about, how is she feeling- and hear her out. Her fears may not seem to make sense to you, but she's getting input from both parents. You can only control what she hears from you.

Also keep in mind that this isn't happening only because of the split, however with the tendency for pwBPD to look at external issues as the problem- this may be how it's being perceived. Even though my parents stayed together- it was not possible to avoid us being alone with BPD mother at times and we did hear her point of view.

Blaming the situation, or past behaviors could not have really helped I think. No family situation is always all good or all bad. Probably most have their challenges. I think where you can make the most difference with your D is in your own relationship with her, and to be a steady reliable parent.

I may have used this forum before several years ago, I'm not sure, but feel in the need of encouragement. My 30 y.o. adult daughter is currently receiving therapy for bpd. We (her parents) are paying her copays for therapy and medical needs as she is not currently working. She is being supported by her boyfriend for most living costs (we pay car insurance and for her phone). She lives in another state. When she is splitting, particularly if I have said something to upset her, she verbally attacks me (usually by text) saying I am the reason she is the way she is and why she has bpd. She also cusses me out, and says other cruel things about me. I usually do not respond, and if it gets too bad, will block her for a few days. I have a hard time accepting that I am the cause of her bpd. We adopted her as a baby, and she does have attachment issues, but we had a fairly normal, loving family life, stable marriage, no alcohol or drug abuse, no physical, sexual or emotional abuse. She has 2 brothers, 3 and 5 years older than she is, who basically got along with typical sibling squabbles. As far as we are aware, there were no major traumas. I was by no means perfect, but read a lot of parenting books, sought therapy for her and myself as issues developed, and honestly do not believe my husband or I mistreated her in any way. Yet it seems I am the root of all her problems.
My husband is 81 and has kidney cancer, and is awaiting surgery. Before he was diagnosed, my daughter announced her engagement and wants to come home for the wedding. We have offered to pay for the wedding with a small budget, and I have tried very hard to help by sending information on venues and caterers she expressed interest in, giving her several options from which to pick, and putting deposits down. Now she is saying that I am doing everything my way (I truly am not!) She and her boyfriend would break up every two or three weeks, and she would call and tell me the wedding was off (so he could hear her telling me), and he would tell her he was leaving, and then a few days later everything would be okay. I set a boundary saying they could call and vent if they were arguing, but I did not want to keep hearing about the wedding being called off if they wanted me to put money down for deposits. They did pretty well for awhile, but recently did it again. I ignored it, and let things settle, then reminded her that I didn't want to hear it which is why she is currently angry with me accusing me of threatening her (I just don't want to keep spending money on a wedding that may or may not take place.) Now she's saying I'm the one who wanted the wedding and I'm making all the choices - ??? what? I don't even like her choice of caterer, but never even expressed an opinion on it, just kept saying it was up to her, and the one she chose was fine! Now I don't know if the wedding is on or off, if she wants it or not, or if I just need to bow out of it altogether. So far, if I cut my losses it will only be about $3000. Do I just wait until she is over her current hatred of me, and wait until she starts reaching out again acting as if none of the past week and the horrible things she has said happened? I am not inclined to just give her the rest of the money I had budgeted because if the wedding does go on, the vendors will need to be paid the balance of what is owed, and there are still major details and things that need to be paid for. And she has no idea what things cost, and we are not rich people. I truly have not been the one making the choices, and I don't know why she says I have. At this point, I'm just sick to death of the whole thing, and with needing to take care of my husband, don't have the energy to deal with her bpd.
Any suggestions?

Also, don't feel bad when you don't think of a better response until much later.  I wrote a post about this all-too-common phenomenon of belatedly coming up with a better response.

One aspect of which to be aware is that typically separation reduces the level of conflict and stress.  However, mere separation does not mean it's okay to return to the relationship expecting the conflict or discord is over.  For a meaningful long term improvement, therapy is vital so that resumption of contact isn't just a rematch all over again.

One aspect to comprehend why we haven't been able to help as we wished is this... Borderline, whether diagnosed or not, is a disorder most impacting to the closest of relationships (spouses, parents, children and siblings).  It's also a disorder of emotional dysregulation.

In short, the person can't let go of the accumulated baggage of the close relationship.  So essentially the person can't or won't be able to truly listen to what you say or how you want to help.  This is why trained professionals may be able to help when you can't.  The experts and teams may be able to help by building a structured trust relationship that isn't a personal and emotional one.

Counseling is a great idea.  Perhaps you could encourage her to take advantage of her school's counselor in the meantime?  Of course the support and information may be limited but it's an idea.

The question comes up, what should we share with the children, especially considering that it's unwise to overshare with the children and we don't want the children needlessly entangled with the adult issues.  There was a booklet written years ago specifically aimed at informing children without naming diagnostic labels... "An Umbrella for Alex" by Rachel Raskin.  While this was primarily written to help children emotionally protect themselves from a misbehaving parent, you can also share with her that her mother is unlikely to ever improve nearly enough for her parents to ever get back together again.

Edit:  Read the book, then share and discuss it with both daughters.

The ballet is good for her and so, I wouldn't interrupt it. I don't blame her for not wanting online. I feel the same way about online after so many meetings on Zoom during Covid.

Your choosing divorce is not the reason for her mother's distress, and you know that. There's no way to know what her mother is saying to her. You are the emotionally stable parent to her and that is a good thing.

One example of the sadly innacurate thinking at this age is that, my BPD mother would blame me for issues at home. I actually believed that when I went to college, my parents would be "normal" and happy. That wasn't true of course.

Kids are magical thinkers. By the teen years they begin to gain more abstract thinking but still, and especially with a BPD parent who blames external things for their own issues, we don't know what is true or not when a parent says things.

At age 14, I was also asking my father for "reasons" why BPD mother was the way she was and if there were solutions.

My world outside the house was essential. Peers, school, extra curriculars all were sources of self esteem, validation, and an example of "normality" for me. The ballet provides this for her.

Home life for me at the time- was not stable, or peaceful. It was the outside world of school, friends, and activities that provided a sense of consistency and validation to counteract this.

BPD mother would threaten divorce at times, and at times it seemed possible. Our initial reaction when we were younger was to be scared and sad. As a teen, I wished it would happen, thinking it would stop the conflict- and I could go live with my father. Still, I had no real understanding of BPD, or marriage and divorce then, or what that would involve.

My own understanding of relationships, mental illness, BPD, marriage- all this evolved as I matured myself. What your child thinks at 14 will be different than what she thinks later.

I think birth position and personality may be factors too. My younger sibling seemed to have a different relationship with my BPD mother. They were more attached than I was to mine. I was the more parentified one and it's possible your older D is too. Still, an age gap of 2 years in maturity and abstract thinking make a difference in how each of your children are processing this.

Your being the stable parent makes this role even more essential to your children, and so the more you can protect your own mental health and resources, the better you can be for them. I still believe that the best thing you can do for your kids is to maintain your emotional well being. You are choosing the best way to do this for yourself.

Although my parents stayed together, my mother's emotional needs and her moods took most of my father's resources and attention. I know he also made the best choice he knew to do at the time with his situation- but it didn't solve my mother's BPD or create "normality" at home.

Your being more at peace and stable will ensure you are emotionally available to your D and can be a mitigating factor. Counseling will be there for her when she is ready and able to do it. Her task now is to be 14, and to think and feel as a 14 year old. Your role is to be the stable and caring Dad she needs now, and it's OK to say you don't have all the answers, but you know for sure that your love for her won't change no matter what.

I agree- first and foremost, your kids need to know that you love them and you're not going anywhere.  That's by far the biggest thing and honestly, too few parents that are together reinforce that enough.  It's so easy to take that for granted...they know, right?  Yeah, they do, but it's also nice to have that affirmed on a regular basis.

You can also tell them that everyone being safe and protected is always the #1 goal.

A kid will see this as "mom vs dad".  An adult will see this as, "Well, life is complicated and this isn't black and white."  We all wish that your relationship would work out and hey, maybe it does.  But you have to push back on that "mom vs dad" narrative since it's not true. 

You're on "team mom" just as much as anyone else.  You want great things for her whether it works out or not.  That's the mother of your kids, of course you're rooting for her regardless.  Let the kids see that and make it known that you'd love to be a family if things can get there.  But even if they don't, you're still going to hope for good things for mom and you're still going to be there for them.

Maybe that cuts some of the tension.

Thank you!  16 yo is in counseling. 14 yo does extensive ballet making her schedule very hard. She would do therapy but isn’t enthusiastic and refuses to anything by video call (her own post Covid aversion).

She needs it. I believe she worries about her mom and intuitively believes that if I were around it would help her mother or at the very least I’d return to being the worrier and she’d let herself off the hook as the worrier. Counseling definitely needed but a lot of hurdles exist.