If it does come time to get the lawyers involved, one option might be for the communication be limited to him responding to the lawyers.  One part of a lawyer's job is to protect the clients from pressuring, manipulation and threats.

If it gets to that point, then it may be appropriate for you and/or your mother to seek a protection order.  Hmm, in that case, the distance apart clause may effectively create a "de facto" eviction.

That is an excellent caution.  Do not write anything that could imply that you did something legally objectionable.  There are laws (at least in the USA) that you do not have to incriminate yourself.

Here's a thought... It's probably okay to apologize for hurting the other's feelings.  Last I heard, you can't be found guilty or jailed for hurting someone's feelings, though some countries in Europe seem to be leaning in that direction.

Obviously, after all these years of trying, you can't lead her toward recovery.  She sees too much of a hurdle to truly listen to you due to the immense emotional baggage of the past in your close relationship.  An emotionally uninvolved professional or respected expert is typically the best hope, but there are so many ways she can sabotage that too.


Many of our loved ones in our lives were never diagnosed.  My ex sure wasn't, she refused any recommendations, even when our child's pediatrician tried.

My ex too could flip from one extreme to the other in a flash.  That is typical BPD behavior.  So... don't fret over a diagnostic label.  You've been here for years and we've always agreed that BPD was a strong possibility.  Deal with what patterns you see.

Advice I received was to write a letter, and then hold off on sending it for a decent amount of time, and then come back to it and see if you still want to send it.

The issue is, you're seeking closure for how the relationship went, and want to rectify the mistreatment you likely received, but a pwBPD is not going to see it that way, and is not interested in setting anything straight; sending a letter to them is not going to start a productive dialog, it's just an invitation to continue the same deceptive and disingenuous communication patterns you had during your relationship.  Does that make sense? 

It's like getting back in a hamster wheel and thinking this time running in it might take you somewhere.  It hasn't changed though, you'll still just go around in circles.

Good.  Just consider that at any given moment, she is capable of escalating the situation, since she may understand that her carefully constructed life - of course, built on your back, and effort, and with the burden of housework, child rearing, income earning, etc. all on you - is crumbling. 

In her perception, she may have nothing to lose by acting out and escalating conflict, and everything to gain.  So be careful. 

It's a chess match with a person who considers knocking the pieces off the board a legitimate move. 

This was the most cold and *INDIFFERENT* she’s ever been to me.

We have been broken up since June 13.  The catalyst for our break up was that I caught her sexting and I put up an hard boundary that I can’t be around if she’s talking to other guys.

 That being said she told me she was disappointed that I didn’t fight against the break up and that I seemed indifferent to it.  Initially she would ghost for a day or two then come back and tell me she missed me and loved me. 

Then we had a big blow up on 4th of July when she said she wanted to spend time with me, seemed like she wanted to reconcile, and then told me she was actually going to bed early at 9 then 2 hours later saw that she was at a bar in another state.

When we had the blow up she said she hated me and was done with me forever.  We exchanged our belongings and I thought that was it.  5 days later she texted me again and then 4 days and then 9 days and then 12 days of silence.  During the 12 day silence, she joked to one of my family members that she should tell me that she was actually dating someone so I’d get off my butt and make a move on her.

I broke the silence this time because her daughter called me to tell me she missed me and wanted me to come over.  This time however my ex was extremely short and cold and seemingly indifferent to me. I asked if we could meet face to face and she left me on read. This was the most cold and offering she’s ever been to me.

Has anyone ever experienced similar?  Is this likely the final discard?

Thank you, ForeverDad and CC43.  There is so much truth in what you are saying. Helps me move towards acceptance.

Yes, that does help. It's so frustrating because I know logically that this is a person who did all.of those things and pretty severely abused me yet I feel at fault. I know that is by design. And i know crazy makes crazy. It is very hard to keep your cool in those situations. The fights would get so bad. It would be 4 am and we both had work the next day and he would have the lights on, tv blaring, piling up everything I ever gave him on the floor, screaming at me to get the f*** out of his home and his life. And i would just be crying, hiding under the covers. He would try to push me out of the bed and eventually just go sleep on the couch but leave the tv blaring. This would happen often and I wouldn't always be able to just lay there. Sometimes I would throw a fit back. Sometimes I would drive away into the night.  There was no winning and he blames me for always pushing him to that point. And so does his ex that I told him he would unblock so that he would have more support in his life. Something he would not have done for me. I only had him block her in the first place because she was sending him love songs and asking him out to the bar after midnight.  Plus he had me block pretty much every man in my life whether I had history with them or not.

In my personal opinion, I hate how people are diagnosed for most mental health disorders.  There's a list of generalized symptoms and if you have enough of them, you get the label.  The problem is, many of those traits will overlap for different disorders.  Also, what's just a temporary thing versus an actual pattern/trait?

My BPD child has been diagnosed with bipolar and recently autism.  Are all three correct?  Who knows.  It does make me wonder though if the diagnoses are even helpful in the grand scheme of things.