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Hi Mom,
Here's my read: your son is stressed out, and he hasn't really learned healthy ways of coping with stress. Though there are lots of potential reasons for a rash, including food poisoning, allergies (e.g. pollen, gluten), dry skin . . . there's also such a thing as a stress-induced (or stress-worsening) rash. I've experienced that, and big time. Some cold compresses, cooling baths, drinking plenty of water, loose clothing and taking an antihistamine at bedtime can help. I find that hydrocortisone cream makes my rashes worse; the only thing that isn't irritating to me is petroleum jelly. Zinc oxide cream might help too. If the rash persists for several days, he can go to the doctor to check it out.
I understand how stressful it can be when a loved one is incredibly moody. My BPD stepdaughter is intensely moody, and when she was living with me, it felt like she was a smouldering volvano, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. My husband can be like that too, but his volcano isn't as active, and his "eruptions" tend to be less intense as well as shorter-lived. But by now, I know my husband's triggers. A common one is hangriness. He can get grumpy before dinner, especially if he didn't have a decent lunch. He's also grumpy when he's stressed out (e.g. over an unexpected expense), over-tired or not getting enough attention. Since I know the triggers and they are 95% predictable, I've learned to brace myself for his outbursts. Mainly, I try really hard not to take his complaints and criticisms personally . . . because I know it's not really about me (though I'm always the focus); it's lashing out because of stress. An example was that yesterday, he was hangry and, the second he walked in the door, he lashed out at me for not picking up the mail, even though he had passed the mailbox just seconds before. He didn't notice any of the housework I did, nor the fact that I had dinner waiting for him. No, he chewed me out about the mail, which is typically "his" chore. It felt like he was looking for a fight. But I didn't take the bait. I didn't point out that I did a bunch of housework while he was gone all day on a fun trip. I didn't defend myself. I just went about my business and got out of his way--I didn't give him much of an opportunity to make things worse. I didn't "engage" with his complaining and grumpiness. Yeah, it's sad that he can be such a jerk sometimes, but I'm just done going above and beyond to make things "perfect" for him, because it doesn't matter what I do anyway! He's going to be gumpy, and he's going to criticize me. If he can't think of a obvious criticism or complaint, then he'll attack me for how (or where) I'm standing, or how I'm breathing, or how I'm looking at him, or how I'm not looking at him, or what I'm wearing, or how I did my makeup that day--not enough makeup and I'm criticized for not looking nice for him; too much makeup and I'm trying to flirt with another man; when reality is that my makeup is broadly consistent, day after day. So, I just let him vent, I try not to take it personally, and I silently leave the room as soon as I can. Fortunately for me, once he's had some food and a night's rest, he's usually back to his "normal" self the next day.
I guess that's my long-winded way of saying that when there's dysregulation that turns mean and/or nonsensical, a good strategy is to give them an "adult time out." I think a time out works better than rewarding "bad" behavior with attention, and it also serves to protect your sanity better. No JADEing, no advice, no solutions . . . because they aren't listening, and they don't actually want help in that moment, they want to blame someone else. Save the explanations for later, when they're not dysregulated.
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