The four of us were due a Disney trip in a few weeks. She won’t be coming now. I said what do I tell the kids? They don’t understand. “Tell them I’m a c**t”

That was the final straw for me

I agree- it is vile. As an adult, I could rationalize that she was mentally ill, but that doesn't change how it feels to hear that. Just consider you spared your children from hearing her say things like this to you, and possibly to them.

This is projection and from victim perspective. If she's feeling hurt at the moment, she perceives you as the cause of it. She's saying vile things- which is projecting her feelings at you. That doesn't make it OK to do that. It's a dysfunctional way of  managing her own uncomfortable feelings.

Will your ex realize her wrongdoing one day? It's not possible to really know that. Projection, dissociation protects them from shame, and it's possible she isn't capable of realizing that. Sometimes their own sense of self is so fragile, these defenses won't allow it.

You are in the thick of it now and while it's understandable that you are thinking about her actions and words, really for her, it is sad that this dysfunction affects her relationships- but you didn't cause her to have BPD and you can't fix this for her, even though you had wished better for her. But you can preserve your emotional safety and that for your children. Whatever she thinks or says of you- one can not change another person's thinking. It doesn't define you.

Maybe….its just a vile way to do it. Thing is I know how much she has been struggling with the police investigation. So I know it’s not truthful what she said. I hope she can at some point actually realise what she said was wrong

From my own experience, it's not only at an end of a relationship, as one doesn't "break up" with or divorce a BPD parent. Some may go no contact but it's not the same. I didn't go NC with my BPD mother. It's about the pwBPD's disordered thinking and feelings in the moment and that to them, feelings feel like facts.

It's splitting, black and white thinking,  projection and victim mentality. The end of the relationship can't be about her, she can't be accountable. So it has to be about you, you are the horrible one.

Looking at my situation from childhood on -As kids, we were mostly well behaving,  but if BPD mother was upset with us, it was as if we were the worst kids ever. Other times, if she was pleased, she'd compliment me. Hard to believe that but in a way, I think both were true in the moment- it was her emotions that changed in the moment. For someone with BPD- feelings feel like facts.

You were all of it according to her feelings- the best partner ever when she felt it and now, you are the worst person on earth according to her feelings in the moment. But just because someone isn't perfectly wonderful all the time (nobody is) does not mean they are a bad person. Just because your ex says something doesn't make it true.

Imagine she's calling you a pink elephant at the moment. Would you consider her words to be true about you? I don't think so. Neither can her saying it turn you into one.

I’m not sure if it’s common. But when someone with BDP perceives it as the end. Is it normal they use that opportunity to say some really really horrible stuff? She has an open investigation against someone who raped her and exploited so badly and I’ve been supporting her with these investigations. The person is obviously no more at all

Last night she said I am the worst person she has ever met….i said wait about this person. She did this laugh and smirk (the laugh sounds so sinister) and wouldn’t add anything. However, later double downed!

Do she really think this? Cus it’s not the break up that’s hurting it’s that comment it’s broke my heart

Somehow a conversation (one of hundreds the past several years) trying to help my PWBPD issue turned into a chance to comment on my failures.   I made the mistake of speaking honestly about how I felt and my SO took it as me blaming them for everything wrong in my life and then went on to attack me for the failures and talking about how awful I was for even including them in any comment about them. 

I realized too late, as I sometimes do that I made the fatal mistake of being open and honest, something my BWBPD can do anytime they want, but I can only do if it is about something or someone they don’t care about or share identical feelings about.   

So I’m painted black and sitting here thinking about all the hours I’ve bent over backward doing things for them that are apparently my duties as a partner but realizing I’m allowed to have no expectations.   

I’m supposed to be what they need when they need it. My existence is secondary. 

And feeling incredibly alone, that hurts.   

It's not vile. It's realizing this relationship is not an emotionally safe situation for you and your children.

Naturally, I speak from the child's perspective. A pwBPD can be nice during visits but the long term relationship is different. Moving forward with this relationship would mean your kids are exposed to the whole picture, the dysfunction, in their own home 24/7, even if there may be some "nice time" moments.

Likely when this former GF is visiting, you are there too. She isn't acting as a step mother on a day to day basis with your children, sometimes when you would be away.

Understandable that you don't want to be hurtful to your former partner, however, its not about choosing to be hurtful. It's about choosing the emotional safety of your own family- self and children. It's about not compromising you and your children's emotional well being to spare your ex GF's feelings.

Just to update. I ended this last night - I’m gutted and feeling very very emotional. However, a line was crossed and whilst I respect and understand BPD - there are limits to what you can tolerate. That sounds vile but it’s true

I suspect that this former friend might have some aspects of NPD. While we two were not especially close ourselves, I looked at this as a friendship between families as a whole. (it didn't involve BPD mother or her family- no relation to that side)

While it hurts to lose a friend- this one affected me more than to lose a friend I was not especially close to, and possibly a disordered one. I realize now that it is similar to my BPD mother's behavior- where-she may have had an issue with one person, and rather than attempting to work things out- just promptly dumped/ghosted, and then, her family is pulled to her side.

It occured to me that one reason this situation affected me like it did is that it is similar to the situation I grew up with, where BPD mother's behavior had a level of control over the other members of the family, and where non disordered people are "discarded" based on the words of a disordered person.

Logically- this isn't a loss. I wouldn't wish to continue a friendship with someone who does this, but I think it's the dynamics that made this more upsetting to me than it probably was. It's also possible that the dynamics felt familiar enough that I didn't notice them as much, and felt a friendship where possibly there really wasn't one on her part.

The whole thing is confusing. I left my
Own yesterday. I know she doesn’t want this, but I have no choose this time I’m debated. But a line a was crossed