I freeze and fawn too. Once a person at work snapped at me. I went back to my office to sit there until I could get my bearings. She later apologized to me, saying she was having a stressful day. She's not disordered, and she went about this the way someone without a disorder would.

It even happens with strangers. I was at a restaurant when a woman at a nearby table said something mean to me. I had a freeze and fawn reaction. It was really out of line but there are disordered people everywhere.

I think if we try to make connections with people, there's some risk to that, but the alternative is to not have friends at all. When someone breaks my trust though, it's very difficult but I get better at not letting it get to me as much.

It recently happened with someone who I thought was a friend. Well, she disagreed with something- remotely connected to me but not directly- it was with a person I also worked with. Her reaction- to block and unfriend everyone connected with that person. So, I found myself blocked, unfriended and without any contact with her and it's gone on for several months now.

My first reaction was similar to how I reacted to BPD mother- as if this was something I needed to fix. Emotionally, I was distraught - I think far more than the actual situation called for. I think this brought out the response to- if BPD mother is angry, I needed to somehow fix it as if it was my fault. I did try to reach out to her with no results.

It's not like me to discard friendships like that, and unless it's a major transgression, I try to work it out, if possible. But this was the familiar BPD like split. Sometimes we don't see something disordered until we do. I'm not upset about it anymore.

For the moment though, I am less inclined to try to form a new friendship with anyone. I don't think it's good to self isolate but also, I feel a need to be protective for now.

Thank you!  That does make me feel better as I am pretty sure that it is the same where we live.  Honestly, when I think about it, I have so much on him, that I don't really worry about his "keeping the kids from him" threat.  What I worry about more is how he will escalate if he doesn't get his way.  He has no problem creating complete chaos for anyone around, when in this mood, so that he will eventually get his way.  In the past, I have done similar to you...if he is in a good place emotionally, he is more than welcome to have the kids, but he usually wants to be around me when he is in this place as well and is embarrassed about mentioning that he does not live at the house, packing lots of clothes and "living" at our house.  But when he switches, he packs his bag again and brings all of those clothes with him back to his place and wants nothing to do with me or my 2 older kids (his step kids).  Sometimes, in this mode, he is "too busy" emotionally to think about our kids, but other times, he is completely obsessed with them (like over the top obsessed)...and will go to all lengths to get his way.  I really think that this extinction burst is about him seeing how happy the kids and I have become without him at the house.  He no longer has control over me or the kids every day...and his only way to regain this in his mind is to completely throw me and the kids off.  And honestly, its working.  The kids and I have been "on edge", and not our happy go lucky selves, since he switched.  I know I can wait it out, as he will eventually switch back...but...I want more than that!  Our happiness shouldn't have to depend on his actions.           

Notwendy,
It seems the abusers really scan the horizons to see who they can take advantage of. I am sorry that you had such a painful experience. Betrayal really hurts. I think our best traits can often be our downfall in the wrong situations. I don't want to become a person who avoids meeting new people because I enjoy all kinds of people. I don't want to avoid the park because I enjoy going there for my daily walk and engage with lots of people who I truly value. It is a free public park so there are all kinds of people there including some of the most disordered. Many years ago, my therapist asked me if there were quite a number of mentally ill people there when I was telling her some of my experiences and I said yes. It is not your typical situation in which there is a more strict screening criteria like a job or a place where it costs money to be. It is a very safe park. People are there at all hours of the night. I like your suggestions on boundaries. I will continue to work on setting better boundaries. My FOO has some of the most awful boundaries: either too rigid or too loose. 

TelHill,
Your feedback about freezing and fawning really resonates with me, especially the fawning. Someone abuses me and then I often try to say or do something nice so the disordered person won't be upset with me. I am a work in progress in learning to disengage as soon as the abuse starts. It frustrates me no end that I can't be honest with a person like my neighbor who has no capacity for empathy. I am doing better in spending more time interacting with really nice people. Going to the park is really important to me. It is a good place to work on my boundaries including with this man who I need to avoid or disengage from quickly when he approaches me. He is friends who another abusive man who I know and he introduced himself to me by commenting on how we both know this guy.

I was thinking that this site has, over the years, proven itself to be an excellent peer support site, though of course anonymous and remote.

One concern with online support is that you don't really know the qualifications of someone online proclaiming to be qualified to provide support.  (Yes, there are some who claim to be qualified but you just don't really know.)  However, over on our Books board we have a long list of excellent books.  Some of those authors have online sites and a few do make referrals to other professionals, though generally we don't track those details.

You may decide to share with others about this site but keep in mind this site is oriented to those impacted by relationships with people who exhibit BPD traits.  This site is NOT to be shared with people who have BPD (or other acting-out PDs such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, etc).  Sadly, our experience is that they are too likely to cause mayhem and discord here.  Also, it is not appropriate for minors to post here due to privacy and other obvious reasons.

I wish there was some way we could have education in our youth about mental illness.  It might save many from allowing our FOO overwhelm yet another generation or cluelessly falling into unhealthy relationships.

Then I imagine classrooms where all the youths are looking around and virtually diagnosing all the other youths.  Oh my!

I hope you are prioritizing as much self care as possible. I spent hundreds of hours listening to my mother with BPD and father with strong narcissistic traits (both deceased) scapegoat their sisters and a brother who were lovely kind people and appointed family scapegoats. If I had to do it over again, I think I would just walk away once the venting started, as allowing them to project on how they felt about themselves onto other people never helped. It just left me feeling taken advantage of and uncomfortable. 

I think it helps to keep in mind that BPD affects all relationships and that your sister's relationships are not your responsibility.

Having a family member with BPD influences family dynamics and sometimes the person with the disorder becomes the focus, with the other family members taking on the role of helping, or finding solutions for them. In this sense, the person's issues take over the whole family.

I recall a quote from a Dr. Phil episode. (yes, I know it's TV but he has some good advice). One family member had a disorder (not BPD but this can be with a number of issues) and the entire family was focused on her condition. Dr. Phil said to them. "You are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".

You care about your sister but as long as you are focusing on her and her moods and issues, you aren't in tune with your own goals and directions. Listening to her all day isn't your responsibility. It may feel like it is in context of the family dynamics but she's responsible for her own medical care and other responsibilities. It's good that you kept your mouth shut but the next step is to not be as available to her to vent her emotions. CC43's idea of time when you are available or not is a good suggestion.

My situation was a bit different as it was with my mother. For most of the time, I had no involvement in her medical care or decisions and she didn't want me to be involved.  At some point, many adult children do get involved in an elderly parent's care when it becomes apparent that help is needed, and so at that time, I had medical POA for her. My BPD mother had a wonderful doctor, but at times she'd get angry at him, seek out someone else, but it didn't last long. I think she knew he was a good doctor for her.

Why she would get angry was because, medical providers have boundaries- as they should have. BPD mother didn't like boundaries. This same dynamic happened with other providers and caregivers in her elder years. She might get angry at them for telling her to take her medicine, or eat her dinner when she didn't want to. But they were right- whatever boundaries they had were in her best interests.

Even though I had access to speak to her medical providers and could help make decisions for her- BPD mother still had her own free will. She was legally competent. So if she made a decision that may not have been in her best interest, it was a decision she could make.

Your sister is still legally competent and you are not her medical POA. Her medical decisions are entirely her business. Of course you care about her but - she's going to make her own decisions. Unless there was a situation where she truly needed help, you could decide to help if you wanted to. But for now, her medical care is her responsibility and it's up to her to learn to have a working relationship with a provider, if at all possible for her.

This was something I learned too.  I knew there were "crazy" and "abusive" people out there, but I didn't know that they were not always obvious and easy to spot.   And I knew from experience growing up and dating that some women were "clingy" and "controlling" and others were not, but I didn't think why some were like this, and the implications of what that would be like in a committed relationship.  I didn't understand that you can't let things you don't like slide; tolerance is good in society, but in a relationship, it's not.  If you're not being treated how you want to be treated, you've got to speak up and establish those boundaries, or otherwise you'll be treated as a doormat. 

There are bigger implications in all this I think humanity needs to grapple with. Like for example what happens when people like this get into positions of power, how to keep people like this out of positions of power, and how to keep them from passing these behaviors and traits to the next generation.  I feel like a lot of our problems go back to these issues writ large. 

But changing that is all beyond one person's ability... it's hard enough dealing with BPDers on an individual basis 

Indeed, I think zipping your lips or saying something nonjudgmental as Pook suggests, "Hope you find someone who works for you" is the way to go.  Look, if she wants to file a complaint, she can do that--people file complaints all the time.  Whether the complaint is baseless or not, it will be dealt with in the appropriate manner.  In medicine and other regulated industries, dealing with complaints is simply part of the business, and there's a well-defined process for it.

When I'm feeling charitable with people who are venting too much, I sometimes employ what I call the three strikes rule.  I'll say something like, "Let's please talk about something else now."  If she doesn't take the hint, I'll say something stronger:  "We're not getting anywhere, I need a break from talking about this."  And if she still continues, that's a third strike, and I'll say something like, "Gotta go now, talk to you later, bye."  In other words, when conversations get too heated, circular, one-way and  overwhelmingly negative, you give a warning and/or take a break, because you need to protect yourself from getting sucked in and ruining your mood.  I have a family member who seems to relish venting her negativity over seemingly insignificant and unsolvable things, and I've employed this tactic multiple times.  By now she knows that by my second warning, she has to shut up about it, or the call will end.  I try not to be mean about it, but I have my limits for listening to circular, repeated gripes with no solutions in sight.

If you want to keep the lines of communication open, but diminish potential for absorbing negativity, one thing you might try is to get on a "schedule" of communicating when it's convenient for you.  That might look like checking in during a drive home from work or the grocery.  That way, you're not "interrupted" by her toxicity as much, and you have a natural exit point:  "Gotta go put the groceries in the fridge/start dinner, talk to you later."  And if she's not available, you can leave a short message on voicemail, something like, "Just checking in, I'll try again next week."  If she calls back and it's not convenient for you, just let her go to voicemail and call back on your schedule.  Does that sound more doable?