To elaborate a little more on what has been going on:  My wife constantly accuses me of psychological abuse.  She has a number of interconnected themes that she dwells on that make up a rather complex and oftentimes totally irrational story about how I marginalize her, insult her, fail to support her, hate her, etc.  One of the overarching themes is her employment.  Since we have been married she has had at least 12 jobs, never for more than a year, always quitting because of various slights against her at work.  Now, my wife did not grow up in the U.S. and speaks English with an accent (she also has several professional degrees and certifications, and she is very good at what she does).  I believe her that she has experienced some very unpleasant and toxic coworkers.  My suggestion has always been to learn how to coexist with these people, since you will find them in any job and they cannot always be avoided.  In short, this has led to her belief that my sense of her worth is tied to her employment:  if she has a job, I love her and treat her well, if she is unemployed I mistreat her.  This is an article of faith for her now, and nothing I do or say can seem to overcome it.  In fact, she has repeated this so much I almost believe it myself.  Is it true that subconsciously I really don't value or love her?  Can she see my feelings better than I can myself?  It is a source of confusion for me.

...more to come...

I love my wife.  She is sweet, intelligent, beautiful, and loyal.  We have been married for 12 years, and have been in counseling for about 9, on and off.  But the last year in particular has been a living hell for both of us.  Last week our therapist recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells to me (alone) and it has blown my mind.  My confusion has lessened, but it's not gone.

1)  When I go through the diagnostic checklist as dispassionately as possible, she scores about 8 or 9 hits.  12 is cause for concern, 16 is grave.
2)  Some of the symptoms are spot on (sudden violent anger).  But some seem to be the exact opposite (doesn't seem to be afraid to walk away, potential divorce has been brought up many times recently).
3)  How can I know if she really has a problem?  Maybe it really is me, like she says?  Or both of us?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to learning more.

I don't think either of the perspectives are right or wrong. FD- your response is about the legal aspect of separation and divorce, and it is spot on.

Mine is from growing up with my BPD mother making threats she didn't follow through on and the times I acted on them, or believed them, and felt like I fell into the "reaction" pit she intended them to be. The divorce threats weren't specific to me but they were threats that she didn't act on.

Some threats were real but they were more like the impulsive ones. To get a separation/divorce means making a plan and acting on it- consuting a lawyer, getting papers together. If what she wanted was a quicker emotional reaction, this wouldn't work. It might happen if someone seriously pursues it.

However it is always good to be informed about the process and any pittfalls should that ever happen, for either spouse. It's true that one can't predict how any one relationship will proceed.

As you can see here in this thread, you can receive helpful ideas and comments from a variety of perspectives.  In this case, I approached it from the experience of someone who had experienced a separation, the ex didn't want to reconcile and it led to a divorce and separate parenting.  I guess I'm a facts and logic sort of guy.  The others approached it from a different direction, that often the other spouse doesn't really want what was verbalized in the moment, especially if that's not an uncommon event.

It's difficult to predict how each family's discord will turn out, so from the variety of perspectives and ideas generally we can determine how to proceed although also knowing that our eventual outcomes can take a while to become evident.

Collectively, we all seek Closure, it's something we crave from deep within ourselves that we also crave from the other.  Yet the BPD traits are so pervasive in the other that receiving meaningful closure is unlikely and can even prolong the pain.  So what to do?  Many here found that we had to Gift ourselves Closure rather than expecting it from the other.

Hi Innerpeace,

To achieve inner peace, I'd recommend trying a positive internal dialogue, even if it seems hard at first, maybe something like this:

I assume the best in others at first--sharing a vacation photo is completely normal.  It looks like the family is having a nice vacation, and that's great, I'm happy for them.  Actually, I'm relieved I wasn't included, because spending time in close quarters like that with two pwBPD is bound to be too stressful for me.  I can only handle them in very small doses, in controlled environments, and I wouldn't want to use up so much of my precious vacation time worrying about how I'm going to handle the inevitable BPD tension.  I'm just glad the kids got to see that vacation spot, which I loved as a kid too.  As for me, I've got my own exciting vacation plans lined up, a fun and relaxing trip, with people I actually enjoy spending time with, which is way better for me anyway.  I'm so glad I emerged from all that BPD dysfunction I grew up with and created a peaceful and fulfilling life for me.  Sure, I wish it hadn't been so tough for me growing up, but that background makes me appreciate all the wonderful things in my life right now all the more.

My response to the photo?  A heart or a thumbs up, and I mean it, too.

Then don't react to her threats if she doesn't do more than that. Also know that the BPD behavior is part of the situation. Without her doing the work in therapy, and staying with it- this is who she is. You can do your part in how to manage your end of it.

It's not possible to control her choices and if she wanted to leave and follow through on that- this would be her work to do too. Don't do it for her.

Your task then is to find your own peace within this situation. Get counseling for your own support. As CC43 suggested- carve out your time with the kids. Outings with my father are good memories for me.

If you want control of the finances- you will need to do that. My BPD mother's spending was out of control and difficult to manage.

Some great replies and insights into our situation. As always, thank you

I don't really want to get separated from my wife. Through stops and restarts, we have built a Life here. We have a good home to live in. Gardens and tree houses for the kids to play in. I have it pretty good, personally. I have really good kids and a great job.

Pure guilt-tripping, try not to let it get to you and make you engage as this is exactly what he wants - to keep going any seeds of self-doubt he thinks you may have. I'm sure you're now aware that no matter who breaks up with who and for whatever reasons, he's going to try and make the whole thing your fault and he's done nothing to deserve it.  Stay strong.

Be prepared for things like this to happen until he moves out.. and probably the guilt-tripping and emotional swings will intensify the nearer it gets to his leaving day.

Have you decided on a course of action after he leaves? ie are you going full no-contact 'Never want to see or hear from him again' or would you still like some contact in the future? Needs careful thinking about - you might still want to be friends but a BPD will see that as 'still interested' A totally clean break is often the best, especially in view of the fact that your relationship has only been for a couple of years but would you be able to stand by it and not be dragged back into re-engagement?

I'd be very surprised if he leaves and make no attempt to stay in your life, even if only on a seemingly friendly basis. This is where BPD's can be exceptionally scheming and premeditated as their illness prevents them ever taking 'No' for an answer or providing any sort of closure to a relationship, even if they eventually start seeing someone new  Hopefully, things will go smoothly and you can start getting your life back on track again.

Hi there,

I was planning to reply, but Notwendy wrote what I was thinking.

Just because your wife says things, it doesn't mean she'll actually follow through.  She might make threats and act passive-aggressively in the moment, to blow off steam and unleash some of her pent-up stress and frustration.  I'd say, if you want to avoid conflict, what you could do is gray rock.  That's shorthand for not reacting to your wife's threats, but instead staying as calm and boring as a gray rock.  She leaves the family online chat?  Fine.  She needs a time out anyway!  She might believe she's "punishing" you with her absence, and fantisizing about "hurting" you "in public" with a farewell post, but my guess is that she can't stand to see cheerful family exchanges amongst your relatives, as it makes her feel alienated (from familial bliss) and insanely jealous.  In fact, my guess is if you have an adverse reaction to her threats, you'll "reward" her threats with extra attention, and she'll commence a nuclear arms race with progressively more dire threats.  You see, if she's really MAD, she will threaten mutually assured destruction.  So my first instinct would be to try to avoid getting "sucked into" a nuclear war, at least at first.  How?  By remaining calm, and not displaying your arsenal of weapons.

Anyway, if you are planning separation or divorce, you need to get your own counsel, but I'd keep your plans absolutely confidential until you're ready.  I guess I wouldn't recommend mediation, because pwBPD are not known for being reasonable and negotiating in good faith.

I also agree with Notwendy regarding the kids, which are probably tweens or teens if you've been married for two decades.  If you want to eat with them, then you could make them a snack, arrange a pizza-and-movie night, take them out for frozen yogurt after their basketball game or arrange a mini-picnic in the park with sub sandwiches, whatever--just don't purposely "sabotage" what Mom does.  Mom could participate or not, her choice.  My guess is she won't, and you could frame it as giving her a needed break.  My sense is that your kids would relish some one-on-one time with Dad anyway.  Something as simple as a mug of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows could be nice.