Hi mitochondrium,
I really appreciate your perspective, thank you. I’ve been in bpd fam nearly 5 years now and I’ve read all the books… made lots of progress. But yes. I’m still scared of my wife. And she is still in control. It has definitely made things more complicated with having kids (not that I learnt about boundaries before having kid, but it’s easier when it’s just my battle to fight…) I am now comfortable with my wife being angry or upset or whatever, I mean, I’m happy to head off to work and spend the day without her and don’t worry about how she’ll be, like I used to be upset all day if she was angry…I also get a lot of validation at work as they know exactly what she’s like. But I feel like the mission with the kids is harder because it’s nicer for everyone (and feels more healthy) if my wife stays calm. So when D6 got the picture out of her bag… I gently reminded her “Mummy might not like you to do that without her”. She obviously didn’t realise how angry Mummy would be whereas I knew she might be fine or very angry. But my question for you is.. what am I to do next time I feel I should warm the kids in order to avoid my wife’s anger. I know I am to positively support them and could have said nothing except joined D6’s excitement about her friend giving her a picture. Ok if something similar were to happen again and my wife is downstairs and screeching at D6 and also me about what a terrible thing we have done here… Please tell me how best to respond next time. I will never rest, I know there is always work to be done… I want to be a better parent despite these ridiculous challenges.

HappyChapp
Thank you. That's very insightful. In "stop walking on eggshells" a person who had/has bpd talks about their contempt for people who don't have a clear sense of self and un-healthy boundaries. Also she has a poor sense of self and blames it on twinship. It's very messy. I think that is why boundaries dont work so well for us! I don't want to talk about this stuff in healthy relationships. I feel those horrible feelings of aversion. Its all over these pages- nasty betrayals. In therapy I have to learn to unpack it and be with it and express it. I've come to know it. Not when it's ongoing! That bit has to stop. But it is a lot easier than it used to be. I've slipped into the delusion again.
You pointed out my therapist was right!! I've been trying to save her again, my self esteem is low and she makes me feel I can help but she is spiralling.. ill get sucked back in! These are all the my red flags for a need for therapy. Thanks for talking the time to (gently) point it out.

Therapy is very important and helpful. I did over 10 years of therapy. What helped the most was EMDR. The final necessary step was to permanently go no contact with my sister and either low contact/no contact with most of the extended family which means I have very little contact with blood relatives. So sad your sister has recruited her daughter to be her flying monkey. My other siblings were also victims of mom who had BPD. None of them have ever had the courage to take a look at the toxic family dynamics and are/were very immature. This is also true of many of my relatives who are/were so enmeshed in the family dynamics that they have never become healthy separate people in their own right. What do you think has allowed you to see the light unlike the other family members?

Thanks for the reply zachira! I definitely have some insight into what that must have meant for you. The chief flying monkey is her poor daughter. I hear what your saying. The way we communicate calls and in person is the big part.  I need some space. (Last time it happened more naturally). May be texts and emails were more accountable less immediate. Its up to her If she goes for it.
Huge kudos to you for trying to be healthy and reaching out to me, I really respect and appreciate it thanks. Therapy is painful and hardwork we deserve a bow just for turning up on these pages.

Hello everyone,
I have been in a relationship with someone with BPD for 3 years. He was officially diagnosed 1.5 years ago. I am older than him, by 18 years and lately I feel more like a parent than a partner. So much of my life is revolving around him and making sure that he gets the help he needs. He is very open for support and will do any treatment that I find for him, however I then get the brunt of his frustration. I have been doing a lot more research on the condition and trying my best to help. He is having a crisis right now and I know that I am not at fault, I know I can’t fix him or control how he feels. I just don’t know how to manage my own mental health. Just looking for advice on how other people handle everything.

... they may not try to charm you back, might use waif like behaviour or anger or fear etc... but see it for what it is. Look after yourself. 

When anxious or depressed we’re easy pray and someone with a personality disorder can’t help but wind us up all the more when they see that. A bit like a cat playing with a mouse. Simply because it works.
I fell into the same trap, it’s completely understandable. But when an aeroplane goes down, you need to grab the oxygen for yourself first, so you’re capable of helping those more vulnerable. Right now it sound like you’re the vulnerable one,  so your therapist’s advice makes sense.

Just be aware that when you do cut contact, you might get hit by a tsunami of activity attempting to charm you back in. You need to withstand that. Hence why no contact might be the only way, it will die down over time, once they realise there’s no response. But that doesn’t mean you can’t re-join with low contact (just text messages) when you 100% fighting fit again, which will probably take a long time. You’ve got this forum to help give you fortitude and advice. 

btw if you've got a protagonist type of personality, that makes you very vulnerable to trauma tringles , which BPD use a lot. Also triangulation - are you the scapegoat ? Knowing the devices they use, will help you spot it early enough to exit. You sound very self aware, which suggests "You've got this" you'll survive then thrive one day. 

What a lovely peaceful reflective piece. Its helped thanks.

My heart goes out to you. I have a sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and strong BPD traits. I have been the target of her emotional dysregulations since birth and all the flying monkeys she recruits (mostly members from the large extended narcissistic dysfunctional family). What is hard for others to understand, is it is very different being a close family member and the main target of another person whom we can't quite completely disown, like in your case in which she is your twin sister. She will always be your twin sister whether you have contact with her or not. The accusations and abuses will never stop. There is a price to be paid whether we continue the relationship or decide to limit contact. After years of ongoing abuse from people connected to my sister, I went permanent no contact with her. I have paid a big price, am shunned by most of the extended family which treated me badly anyway. Know that it takes time to figure out what boundaries you need to have with your sister. Be patient and kind to yourself. It can be helpful to know you do not have to decide everything at once, and time will tell whether you continue to have your sister in your life or your work out ways to limit how much her behaviors negatively impact your life while having some kind of contact with her.

Just between me and you people on this wonderful website! I am having a really tough time at the moment. My siblings all have personalty issues. I'm the only one who seeks any kind of healthy outlook. I feel very lonely. My twin has been diagnosed with BPD but has denied it for years. She has manipulated and used counter strategies to curry favour with them and takes great pride in announcing how she is the 'only one' who talks to everyone while sabotaging anything healthy and determined to stop me being in the family at all. She'd take the air out of the room if she could.
I find it really hard to walk away because I have a 'protagonist' type personality and I go away, I calm down, I think if I stop talking to her, she'll have no one, she'll just hurt other people  I promised my parents before they die, she's has a child so on and so forth.
One the one hand how can I be so arrogant to think that she should share my perspective and that it will ever make a drip of difference if she did. I have to make all the effort, this is the only way.
The other side to it is that because of her manipulations and blackmailing, I will loose touch with my family because and I could loose them all and it breaks my heart.
If I don't, I will become an over sentimental. snivelling whingeing victim that ended up with high scores in the anxiety and depression questionnaires my therapist gave me. He said- "do not let your twin back into your life", following months of work.
My dad was dying, I thought I could help so I did!
I've been reading "stop walking on eggshells shells". It's helped me enormously but it really focuses on maintaining relationships. It's helped me understand her perspective. But I have tried with boundaries for so long and I get no respect. She is relentless of course she is. She can't help it, but she is out to destroy me to fill her emptiness. I'm frightened of her rage attacks, my palpitations and insomnia are back.
I'm signing up for therapy again and it can't continue like this. I'm looking to get slowly back to that place with no hope, that faces up things and calls time. Just acceptance of bpd in all its dreadfulness. Once the future looks hopeful again, I can begin to heal.
I love you sis but Im done! this isnt working for either of us. (This is the breakup letter I can't send you, on the help page I can't tell you about).