And thank you Foreverdad for your wise words.

Maybe it is the same for me. I don't think I am ready. It sucks to be alone but at least there is no more drama.

Many people who are disordered seem to gravitate toward posed happy photos.  What you can't see in the snapshot is whether they are truly happy or just a façade.  For all you know they could be bickering and periodically fuming at each other.

As for you, just live a good life and don't fret about them.  Not that we seek revenge, but it has been said, "The best revenge is to live a good life."

It is good that you've waited some time before considering a new relationship.  Too often rebound relationships don't start on a solid foundation.  For most here their ex-partners simply jumped into headlong into new relationships, not giving time to recover and reorient internally.

It took me quite a while before I felt I had stabilized.  I noticed that when I met others I was quick to focus too much on "my ex this..." and "my ex that..."  I needed time to find closure and a measure of recovery first.

Yes, this is really hard. I broke uo with my bodgf 6months ago. Now I have a change to start dating a woman I like a lot but I dont know if I can. I worry about my ex and love her. While she is probably having sex with other dudes or just heart broken at home. I would like to call her but I cant.

Spot on Notwendy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. The other is that- your husband, is her father, and he will naturally have the instinct to protect and care for her, and so holding the line between caring and enabling will likely be a challenge for him.

You have done a lot of work on this situation and have a clearer vision. While you do care for your SD, you may not have the same family dynamics or tendencies as her immediate family members do. So you may see some of the pittfals before your H and others do.

I also, having experienced the limitations my own mother had with BPD, feel there's a balance somewhere between what they are capable of doing and our expectations. My own wish is that pwBPD could have access to supported job training but we are not at the point where this is recognized as a need.

So while your SD's job may not be ideal- or considered a major achievement for someone her age who doesn't have BPD- a lower stress job may be a better fit for her, and seeing that she's overwhelmed when starting is confirmation that this may be all she can handle for now, and hopefully it is.

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.

The other day I was thinking about posting an update that would have been a bit of a rant. My adult BPD stepdaughter was basically kicked out of my home around a year ago because she wasn’t working on herself while living with us for free. Since she left my home, she has been mostly estranged from her dad and me, though she had temporarily broken the estrangement when she needed help, such as help with her car, moving and money. But as soon as she got what she wanted, we were re-shunned. Yet we have kept tabs on her through her therapist.

Anyway, I’ve generally thought that getting kicked out was what was best for everyone.  I think my stepdaughter has been doing OK since then, as she got a temporary job (finally) and has been supporting herself, sort of, with less financial assistance.

However, a while back I got upset with her for breaking my trust. She was being sneaky and disrespectful behind my back, and she got upset only because she was caught. I won’t get into specifics, but I’m sad that she’s still pulling stunts like a young teenager, which feels like a step backwards.

But now getting to the current situation. My stepdaughter recently started a new job, the first « career » job and full-time situation ever. Though I personally don’t love the set-up (eg work from home, no benefits, no real company infrastructure), I know she was enthusiastic about it, and honestly that’s a miracle. From the job description I found online, it doesn’t appear to be a very demanding job—in line with receptionist plus routine office duties. I think it’s a good starter role for her actually. And yet, she is completely overwhelmed, so much that she has broken her estrangement from various family members. She has been calling a relative almost daily to vent about the stress with her new job and living situation, and to ask for money. Fortunately, the family member has been extremely supportive and calmed her down, encouraging her to focus, stay on task and not quit. But the relative is concerned that my stepdaughter seems so unhinged and unable to handle any stress.

I guess the good news ids that my stepdaughter finally reached out to her dad to talk about her job stress. They hadn’t spoken in months. And the conversation stayed in the present—she didn’t dredge up past grievances or lash out in hatred. She seemed to listen to her dad’s advice about dealing with new job jitters. Maybe if she can just take things day by day, she’ll be able to hang on and realize she can do it. Fingers crossed.

My home was extremely dysfunctional at times as well with two mentally ill people living in it (ex-wife, daughter).  And I've often found myself in the exact same position- do I call?  Do I stay away?  Here's the answer I landed on:

1)  What's best for me?  I know what it will be like if I reach out and I know that it will have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with someone else.  It's always about them because they're mentally ill.  I get that.  But I also accept that if it's going to be a problem for me to have that contact, then I should choose to cut it off quickly.  Why?  Because making me upset does absolutely nothing for anyone- it just ruins two lives instead of just one.

2)  What can I accomplish by reaching out?  If my daughter is suicidal or in real trouble, then I reach out immediately.  I don't have to think about that.  But if it's just to call for small talk and listen to her bad-mouth ten other people for the next few hours, then that's not something I need.  I turn those into 5 minute conversations with an excuse on why I have to run. 

I've learned that I can't have a "normal" relationship with my mentally ill daughter, not like my other kid at least who I talk to for 3-5 hours a week on average.  The normal with my sick daughter is a relationship at arm's length; I still show up and I still care, but I do not want to be in her inner circle or be seen as a bestie.  It's just too toxic.  So I stay at a distance, engage when it's appropriate, and stay away the rest of the time.

I hope that helps!

One last thought:  pwBPD tend to have a fragile and changing sense of identity. They can also hold delusional beliefs. I’ve seen this with the pwBPD in my life, when she seems to « try on » different identities that are not really based on reality.  She’ll say she’s a model, but hasn’t earned a cent modeling. She’ll say she’s an artist, but doesn’t have a portfolio. She’ll say on her resume and socials that she’s moving to New York, but after five years she’s not any closer to doing that.

Then there’s the opposite side of the delusional thinking, the dark side. She claims a long history of being abused. She’s « homeless ». Her entire family is evil. She’ll make some thinly veiled threats.

To pwBPD, feelings feel like facts. And so you need to take everything with a grain of salt. Typically, the feelings behind the stories have some validity, whereas the fact patterns can be distorted, sometimes wildly so.