Yeah I tried to just remove myself as often as I could. It was not always possible. Or he would follow me and not let up. Still no excuse but I appreciate you helping me feel a little less monstress about my actions. Or at least understand the why a little bit more. I got to a point where i just had no threshold for the constant fighting. You're right, he did not perceive or respect boundaries. I still just feel so ashamed.

I recall when I divorced years ago when our child was a preschooler that my lawyer told me "Courts love counseling!"  So not only do we encourage our members to take advantage of sessions with local counselors, such resources are invaluable for the kids too.

As much as you were impacted with a problematic spouse, your teenager surely was too, though perhaps in different ways.  Without having a normal home environment, he may not truly know what "normal" can and should be.  Even if counseling services are not easy to arrange - sometimes the other parent objects to giving permission* - at the least schools have counselors and they too can listen and provide guidance and helpful ideas.

* If your spouse does object to a minor seeing a counselor, courts will generally side with the parent seeking such services for the children.  As my lawyer said, "Courts love counseling!"

Thank you so much. It helps to know that I am not alone and that there is at least sort of an "explanation" for why this can happen. It has been challenging just to talk about it in terms of a break-up or ending a long-term relationship/marriage because it is so much more than that with a BDP person. It is comforting to know that there are people out there who understand that, and have been through it <3

Thanks for your reply! I certainly am not trying to get any therapist type answers! Just was seeing if anyone had experience with partners with BPD ever shifting back to someone being seen in a positive light after they have split and made someone negative in their head.

I brought up multiple times to couples therapist about bipolar because that is what I thought I was seeing. I kept getting told there is nothing "clinically" wrong. Which this makes sense now because no he isn't manic nor is he hearing voices nor so depressed he can't function. This is a personality issue which I never thought of. I got to this diagnosis after consulting privately with a psychiatrist who is a friend of the family. They obviously said they couldn't give me any definitive diagnosis because they had never met my husband and he isn't officially a patient. But after an extremely long discussion and giving as much history and observations as I could, that is what was concluded. It all made so much sense, especially when honing specifically Quiet BPD. This article for example just hits the nail on the head https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-5115074

I think that getting help for him would be extremely challenging because there is already a stigma with BPD. And he isn't the guy that is aggressively lashing out or so out of control. Rather it is like an inner turmoil that has finally exploded. In this case, the explosion is towards our marriage.

Yes, we can relate.  We've walked in your shoes... and come out the other side.

When BPD exists in a marriage, whether short or lengthy, the dysfunction puts immense stress on a relationship.  So many arriving here are hurt and are perplexed why all their efforts over so many years couldn't save the marriage.

Sometimes too we notice how quickly the other shifts into "moving on".  It is mystifying and feels unnatural to us but it is called Object Constancy and often associated with BPD perceptions.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

Rather than viewing a slap as outright violence, I would agree with your friend that it was warranted in the aspect that a behavioral boundary was crossed and a response was natural.  Essentially, a response was appropriate and a slap is not quite aggressive.  We have observed that people with BPD traits (pwBPD) repeatedly push boundaries, especially when they sense weakness or wavering.

Looking back, yes you regret it.  But a response to poor behavior was needed.  Why?  Because pwBPD resist proper behavior boundaries, especially with those closest to them and especially in private scenarios.  That's why boundaries are for us... our response to poor behavior.

Since tit for tat can escalate tensions, one possible choice for a Boundary (I will leave when poor behavior erupts) is to exit the area, go visit a friend, walk in the park, go to a gym, go grocery shopping, whatever, and return once the other has reset.  This of course is not a fix nor does it succeed in all scenarios, but it does allow time and some distance to - hopefully - calm down the immediate incident.

Do you guys think this was bpd? I have never experienced anything like this before.

I recently joined this group because I'm trying to make sense of a relationship that affected me very deeply. I'm also interested in hearing whether any of this sounds familiar to people who have been through something similar.

I was with my ex for about two and a half years. I loved her deeply. We lived together, planned a future together, and I was even planning to propose. There were periods when our relationship was genuinely wonderful, and I truly believed she was the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

But there was another side to the relationship that I still struggle to understand.

Over roughly a year and a half, she broke up with me around ten times. Things could be going extremely well, and then suddenly she would become cold and end the relationship. Usually, after 1–4 weeks, she would contact me again, we would reconnect, and the relationship would start again.

It became a cycle: love, closeness and plans for the future, followed by a sudden breakup, separation, and then reconciliation.

There was also extreme jealousy. I was repeatedly accused of cheating even though I never cheated on her.

Once, a picture of my ex happened to appear in my social media feed. She saw it, withdrew crying, and later accused me of secretly having a relationship with my ex. I was even willing to let her contact my ex and mutual friends to verify that nothing was happening, but it didn't seem to matter.

I want to be fair about my own history as well. I had a serious alcohol problem for many years. Alcohol certainly affected my behavior, especially during the earlier part of our relationship. I became sober while we were together and have remained sober ever since.

After getting sober, I spent some time in my home country while she remained in hers. One night she went to a party and became unreachable until the following evening. She also didn't call me back as she had promised. When I asked her the next day what had happened, her response was to want to break up. Eventually we talked through it and stayed together.

And then things became good again. We talked every day and planned our future.

During Christmas with her family, several strange conflicts happened within a short period. She became angry when I asked about money she had promised to repay me. The incident involving the picture of my ex also happened during this period.

On a family trip, her child became upset and cried because of the transportation arrangements. I gave her child my pre-booked seat in the taxi. That meant I had to make the return journey by bus instead, which took around 14 hours and was absolutely exhausting.

I didn't expect some huge reward for doing it, but I thought at least a "thank you" from my partner would have been reasonable.

Instead, when I finally got back after that horrible journey, she accused me of being selfish and of ruining everyone's mood.

Situations like this left me completely confused. My understanding of what had just happened and her interpretation of it sometimes seemed like two completely different realities.

One breakup in particular still stands out to me because of how absurd the trigger seemed.

We had been doing well. One night I couldn't sleep, so I got up and made myself some tea. She became furious because I was making tea in the middle of the night. The situation escalated, and she eventually told me she never wanted to see me again.

I spent about a month alone after that.

Then, shortly before I was due to travel to my home country, she contacted me again on her mother's advice. I needed to go back home temporarily because I had a work assignment there that had already been agreed upon.

We spent a very intimate night and the following day together. We talked about me returning to her almost immediately after finishing that work assignment, and we started planning a trip together. I was still completely in love with her and was seriously thinking about proposing.

Near the end of the relationship, we both tested positive for chlamydia. I had not cheated on her. Nevertheless, I was once again accused of infidelity, and this became one of the final major crises before our relationship ended.

What I'm struggling with now is reconciling two completely different versions of the same relationship.

I remember a woman who could be incredibly loving and affectionate. We shared a home, had genuinely happy times together, and planned our future. I loved her enough that I wanted to marry her.

But I also remember constantly losing that same person.

Sometimes everything seemed fine, and then suddenly she became cold, ended the relationship, or accused me of things I hadn't done. Then weeks later she could return full of love again.

Only after the relationship ended did I start discussing BPD with my therapist and reading about it myself. A lot of what I learned felt disturbingly familiar.

I want to be clear that I don't know whether my ex has actually been diagnosed with BPD, and I'm not trying to diagnose her myself. I'm here because I'm trying to understand what I experienced and because I'd like to hear from people who have lived through similar relationship dynamics.

I'm also not presenting myself as a perfect partner. I had a serious alcohol problem, particularly during the earlier part of our relationship, and I take responsibility for the ways alcohol affected my behavior. I eventually got sober while we were still together.

But I never cheated on her, and the repeated accusations that I did were simply not true.

I think the hardest part has been trying to understand how someone could seemingly love me so intensely, talk about our future together, and then sometimes within a very short period of time push me completely out of her life.

And maybe that's why letting go has been so difficult.

I didn't only lose someone I loved.

I lost the future I thought we were going to have together, over and over again.

I have never done anything like this before but am really struggling and hoping someone out there maybe understands. Going through a dissolution after 20-year marriage to high functioning BPD spouse. I invested everything that I had - emotionally, financially, mentally and he was ready to move on after a three-month separation - just didn't want the broken relationship and family he created. Have a teenage son that we are co-parenting, so no-contact is not an option. It is amicable but the emotional pain is brutal and just feeling hopeless, angry, and just devastated. Can anyone out there relate and want to share?

Hey ya'll. I know i have been posting a lot. I am having a hard time reconciling everything. I have been thinking through so much of the relationship. Examining pieces and fights.  My actions and responses to him.
There were 2 times that things got really out of control and I slapped him in the face. I feel horrible about it. I know violence is never the answer and there is no excuse.

To give you a better idea of the situation, the first time, we had been fighting nonstop for a couple days and this one day was especially bad. Probably about 5 hours of accusations and cruel words. It was late and I had been trying to go to bed for a while. He had the tv all the way up, all the lights on, was trying to push me out of the bed. He decided I was hiding something and insisted on going through my phone. He went really far back and wound up finding a sexual message I had sent to a man about 2 years before my bpd partner and i had even met. He started laying into me about it. At one point, he called me a stupid slut. At that point, I snapped. I followed him into the living room and said what did you call me? He got this incredibly malicious look on his face and said you heard me you disgusting slut. I slapped him. I left. I went to a friend's and fell apart. I told her how horrible i felt about my response. She thought it was warranted but I still do not.

The other time was when we were broken up. At this point, he had ignored and abandoned me when I was going through a miscarriage with his child, he had been on a smear campaign telling people that I raped him, he had called me every name possible, berated me while I was having panic attacks, left me alone for hours after tearing me apart while he would disappear into the night, would be upset if i tried to talk about it later when I desperately needed to, constantly blamed me for his suicidal ideation, held knives to his throat and his chest, slammed his head into walls, tore apart his apartment, pushed me to my breaking point over and over. I also have cptsd and he would trigger me very badly. Anyway, he had been calling nonstop for two nights and I had been ignoring him because typically, answering when he was like that would lead to more fighting. But i was concerned that maybe he was hurting himself. So on the third day, i reached out to check on him. Nothing. I called and texted a couple times throughout the day and no response, no read receipts. I was so stressed out all day thinking he had actually hurt himself so when I could, I went to check on him. He had another girl over, they were making out. He had turned his read receipts off. I lost it, called him a liar, slapped him. It was stupid and awful. He had spent all this time telling me that i was the only one for him and he couldn't even imagine thinking about someone else and there he was kidding this woman that he had claimed he never felt much about in the first place.

I have never hit anyone outside of the rough housing my siblings and I did as young kids. I feel so incredibly guilty about it. I know there is never an excuse for physical violence.
I guess my question is, have any of ya'll ever been pushed to that point? Is reactive abuse a thing in that way? How do you cope with doing that to the person you love? How do you cope with knowing you slapped a mentally ill person?