It's really about learning to communicate in a counter-intuitive way. In your scenario, I'd say:
"I'm open to learning from you- show me your way to peel potatoes."
If that didn't work, I'd follow up with, "I love you and I don't want to ague over potatoes. I'm going to step away for a few minutes and we can figure this out later."
If things stayed tense after I came back, I'd switch to, "I'm sorry if how I peel these makes you upset, that was never my intention. Tell me how to proceed- should I keep peeling potatoes or would you rather do them?"
If that didn't resolve the conflict, I'd say, "You know what, I'm not in the mood for potatoes anyway. I'll grab something else to eat so we both have time to calm down." Then I'd get in my car and head for a local restaurant for one of my favorite foods.
What I wouldn't do is argue, defend, or blame- I'd stay until I start to anger, then I'd walk away. And I would do this for everything, every single time, with very clear boundaries in place. If you want to talk, I'm here. If you need help, I'm here for you. If you want to verbally attack me, I'm walking away and I'll be back when you've calmed down.
"I'm open to learning from you- show me your way to peel potatoes."
If that didn't work, I'd follow up with, "I love you and I don't want to ague over potatoes. I'm going to step away for a few minutes and we can figure this out later."
If things stayed tense after I came back, I'd switch to, "I'm sorry if how I peel these makes you upset, that was never my intention. Tell me how to proceed- should I keep peeling potatoes or would you rather do them?"
If that didn't resolve the conflict, I'd say, "You know what, I'm not in the mood for potatoes anyway. I'll grab something else to eat so we both have time to calm down." Then I'd get in my car and head for a local restaurant for one of my favorite foods.
What I wouldn't do is argue, defend, or blame- I'd stay until I start to anger, then I'd walk away. And I would do this for everything, every single time, with very clear boundaries in place. If you want to talk, I'm here. If you need help, I'm here for you. If you want to verbally attack me, I'm walking away and I'll be back when you've calmed down.
These things never worked for me. I too would apologize for random things like that, but my apology was never good enough. Showing that I was dismissing her feelings or didn't care enough to actually reflect on what I've done wrong. And the other problem was, there were times we could have a conversation where I'd apologize for hurting her feelings and I would do as she pleased, and in that immediate moment it was fine. Then the next time a similar situation came up, I'd default to what she said her preference was...and that time, NO GOOD. Moving goal posts.
If I walked away from arguments, 95% of the time it meant to her that I didn't care about our relationship or fighting for it. Or I lacked accountability. Or I was just a horrible human. It was like she needed those hours of yelling and insulting to blow off steam. Every argument literally blew up into a make or break for the relationship.
Every single thing was criticized and if I ever got offended and stood up for myself, it was a recipe for disaster. I never felt so incompetent in my life. I really started believing I was just some failure over the most miniscule things.


