Hi again,

I myself have an aunt who is a high-conflict person.  Since she's high functioning, I wouldn't say she has "full blown" BPD, but I suspect she has some BPD traits.  When I was young, she seemed to complain too much in my presence, for example about various physical ailments.  When I was just eight or nine, I had the sense that she was mean, hyper-critical, whiny, attention-seeking and inappropriate--let's just say she wasn't my favorite relative.  And since she's still living seventy years later, I can't help but think she was exaggerating about her (poor) health, A LOT.

Anyway, one time my aunt had a meltdown when my brother visited with her over a long weekend.  He had just gotten accepted into a college, and he decided to wear a sweatshirt from his chosen college during the visit to his aunt's home.  I think that most "normal" people would have congratulated my brother for getting into his chosen college, especially his aunt, who happened to be a teacher!  But when it comes to someone with BPD traits, I think you guys can imagine what happened.  Auntie accused her young nephew of being insulting, condescending and pretentious.  She threw a hissy fit because he dared to wear such a sweatshirt in her home.  After the visit, she sent some mean correspondence to my mother.  We were shocked that she wasn't able to be happy for someone else, not even her nephew--and that she couldn't keep the negative thoughts to herself, but rather lashed out with wild, incoherent accusations.  After the incident, she became estranged from our family, for years.  All because a highschooler wore a sweatshirt with a college insignia on it.  Geesh.  Jealous much?  I think only a BPD-twisted mind would consider such a thing as insulting and deserving of long-term estrangement.  At the time, I didn't know about BPD, but now I think it was a classic BPD response:  misplaced envy, projection of attention-seeking behavior, convoluted "victim" logic, and lashing out to ruin someone else's happy moment.

And here's the rub:  once my dad passed away, my aunt tried to reconnect with my mom.  My mom was torn up about it, because her sister had been so mean (e.g. the sweatshirt incident) and unsupportive over the years.  As an example, she was invited to my dad's Celebration of Life but made a lame excuse not to attend.  My mom and I talked it over, and I basically advised her, it's OK not to let her "back in."  Auntie had never apologized or even been nice, really.  Why rekindle old grudges?  Why invite more drama?  I think my mom appreciated that I said it was OK to prioritize her own happiness.  And so Auntie remains estranged.

A lot of you have helped me in so many ways through all this madness with my sister and her most recent blow up. I keep getting that ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and think about ways she will reach out, what she will say when I see her again, how she will act if i go to a family function and she is there. Will she over react? Will she yell at me? Will she get physical with me? I am unable to control these thoughts sometimes. I have been trying to keep myself very busy but mi mind is still racing at all the things. She is taking up too much head space. Then I think "what if I did something wrong, is she really that bad?" and I have to go through and think of all the things that have happened and have to sit and realize that no, it's not normal, and I didn't deserve that treatment.

But with this past experience, I thought we were good... then when it had came out that I had spoken to my niece about taking them out of the bridal party prior to talking to my sister, because we weren't sure how she would take it. I have now don't the worst thing to my sister, and that was lie by not talking to her about it prior to her daughter.

When I spoke to my niece about how I was uncomfortable with my sister being a bridesmaid she told me "aunite, all she does is talk _____ about you and your relationship and how she thinks you're not happy, so you should take us both out so she wont get hurt over leaving me in it."

So that is exactly what I did, the next day I had the conversation with both of them and how I would like my wedding to be a peaceful experience and that I was requesting they step down as my bridesmaids, i mentioned that I had 2 other girls in mind. (this apparently was not said to anyone but my mother when I am hearing this story back). My sister was unhappy that I had a talk with my niece and that I had already had 2 other girls to fill their place. What I gather from this is yes... should I have trusted my young adult niece with this, probably not, I probably should have grown a pair and just had the talk with both of them generally, I understand that probably was not my best decision. But with me having backups, and them being upset about it, saying i never said that (no you didn't hear it) and that makes me think they would be happier if I was alone up there?

Please give me some guidance and let me know if what I did was wrong or if this is an over reaction

You have a pretty established track record of him lying and being dishonest so I think your default response to anything he says should be to assume it's a lie, unless you happen to know yourself it's true, or had verified as true.  That applies double if the thing he's saying or claiming benefits him directly; you should just presume he's lying. 

It will make dealing with him easier.  I would even tell him regarding therapy that if he's not willing to share this information with you directly, by that I mean objective evidence of him attending therapy, the diagnosis and progress, then you're not going to even listen to him talk about it. 

He may claim it's private and his therapy is none of your business, but like @ForeverDad said above, he's made it your business by abusing you and claiming he's getting help for himself to justify you staying with him.  If he was honest with you and claimed he wasn't actually going, or just went for show and had no interest in working on himself, what would you do? 


The conduct you described is pretty awful, not just mental and verbal abuse, but physical abuse as well.  and the fact that you tolerated it for so long should be concerning.  That's something for you to work on for yourself, and it's good that you have others around willing to help you on this.  But you don't want to end up in another relationship like this someday, or have this one re-kindle itself... you need to understand why this went on as long as it did. 

I wish there was still an edit button.  I meant in my case, my exW did these things. 

It seems like this relates to me so much and more so futuristic of what I might have to go through. I am at the start of the no contact with my untreated bpd sister and it has been taxing. The thought of going to family functions terrifies me because I am unsure how she is going to react or if she will explode on me. She is a violent sort and it always makes me uneasy. No, she has never hurt me but she does yell and will get explosive. I understand about the parent aspect of it, my mother was in the middle as well but she knows how to stay neutral to an extent, but my sister's claws are so far into her that she is going to believe everything she says sadly. I have distanced from my mother as well. If they were to try to come after my kids I would cut them off too. The kids don't need that at all and I think you were right to be open and honest with them. Let them see and make the decision for themselves and they can stay out of the spiral before they get close to it. If you have any advice for family functions I am all ears because I have yet to cross that path...

So to take it back to the original question in the thread, I think that's the use of calling it abuse. 

That defines it as intentional: it has a purpose, and that purpose is to terrorize another person or persons.  It can be physical abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse, but it's all the same in the end, and has the same end goal of wearing the person down enough that over time they submit to the abuser's demands and put their needs first.  From the standpoint of the abuser, it's even more ideal if they can submit without needing to be told; they instinctively begin to understand what's expected of them. 

the label of BPD - whether diagnosed or not - may be misleading to focus on, since the traits of BPD, can be hapless or neutral.  If you read the diagnostic criteria of it on this site (link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder) there's nothing there about abusing others (the word itself only appears in the context of substance abuse by the pwBPD).  A person can have irrational and/or extreme emotional reactions to events, mood swings, etc. but whether they are also be manipulative and cruel is another issue.  Whether this is a result of comorbidity with another personality disorder like NPD or ASPD, or just normal human ego and id out-of-control because of BPD, I don't know.  But I think when you're in the unenviable position of having to live with someone like this, to focus on whether they're unwell, or what's wrong with them is ultimately just an academic question, when your first priority should be responding to their behavior, addressing it, not letting it overwhelm you (and your other family and kids if you have them). 

It seems to me that as disordered as their thinking gets - and I agree they're not entirely all there when they perceive things in a way that makes them the victim somehow, and therefore justifies their rage about them - they're still overall aware of the fact that they're treating you this way and it's wrong, or unfair, or an aberration.  And the distinction I'd make is that they would not treat a stranger the same way (especially a stranger they wanted something from). 

That's why I'd make the distinction between the behavior of a schizophrenic and a BPD; I think we can excuse the former: they truly have no ability to control what they say and do.  a pwBPD does.  It's why I noticed when talking to other people she'd adopt this really fake tone and repeat platitudes she'd hear, as though like "oh, all us girls can understand how it is to have to deal with their husband and his annoying family"... but her behavior toward me and my family was absolutely uncalled for.  I would sometimes be surprised when I'd find old letters or cards they sent to her and see how unhinged her claims were that "everyone always hated her" as justifying her ongoing hostility toward them (and me when I'd defend them).

Whenever she got called out for this stuff, she'd react the same way, lies, anger, rage, etc. Or if she couldn't bully the other person, like the MC we saw for example - complete avoidance. 

She knew what she was doing; it might have been irrational, thinking she could completely control and dominate another person or persons like that, but she was still trying it.  I wouldn't say "she was unwell" because of this.  To me that excuses her behavior. 

I mean, the simple answer is that I loved my wife and I loved our family of four.  Your dad loved your mom the same way I'm sure.  Him and I tried to hold everything together despite having no idea what we were actually facing.

Looking back, my mom clearly had mental illness as well and my father did the exact same thing.  He stayed silent and/or he fled.  If I yelled back as a kid/teen, he'd scold me and tell me to be quiet.  I'd plead my case- "but she said this and did that and it's wrong!"  I never understood why he told me to stay quiet until recently when I realized that I did basically the same thing. 

He was right though and so was your dad.  We all fought to keep the family intact, despite the obvious challenges.  That's what you do when you love someone.

I reached a point in my life that I just didn't want to waste a single ounce of energy on being negative, having the same arguments, etc.  Why?!?  We argued that stuff for almost a decade and nothing ever lasted more than a week or two.  I couldn't see that my ex was incapable of staying in a routine because of mental health, but I did figure out how to avoid the blow-out arguments completely.

Others might ask, was it worth it?  Honestly, yes it was.

I've reflected on this a lot and although our house was completely dysfunctional with 2 BPDs in it, at least the kids grew up at home and the marriage survived into their early 20's.  So while I definitely wouldn't want to return to that life, I am thankful that we made it that long for the kids' sakes.  I would do the same thing over again EXCEPT that I'd seek family counseling to hopefully get my ex-wife and kid more help.  I also would have found this site 10 years earlier and actually understood what I was facing- that knowledge would have been invaluable.

Hi there,

Kudos to you for maintaining boundaries.  I know it can be hard sometimes.  You mention that your adult sibling lived with you, borrowed money and always played the victim.  I bet you tried to help her out, to help her get on her feet again, right?  But the thing is, with untreated BPD, her needs are endless, and furthermore, she's ungrateful and/or mean, and/or blaming YOU.  It's like no good deed goes unpunished, right?

In my opinion, you are all adults now.  You've done enough for your sibling.  You know full well how toxic your sibling can be if you let her in too close.  And your kids know it too.  Sure, mom is "distraught" because she's spent a lifetime protecting/enabling/making excuses for her weakest child, and she just doesn't see how it's harmful to you.  Maybe she can't be happy when her BPD daugter is clearly unhappy.  But you know what?  That's their problem.  I think you stick to your boundary:  everyone is an adult here, I'm staying out of it.  I'm not meddling.

It sounds like your kids know better, too.

Here's an observation for you.  In my family, grandma just doesn't seem to understand that 20-somethings are BUSY!  Yet the reality for most young adults is that they just don't have the time, money or energy to be a caretaker of an aunt's emotional/financial/logistical/housing turmoil.  In my opinion, young adults deserve to focus on forging their own lives.  Maybe they show up to a Christmas or Thanksgiving gathering, and that would be wonderful, but demanding much more than that sounds too needy and whiny in my opinion.  If grandma insists that the grandkids call their auntie regularly, check in on her and help her with domestic duties, I think that's out of line.  Maybe you say something like, My kids are really busy these days, and I'm not meddling in their lives.  Besides, Sis is an adult, she can take care of herself.

Now my guess is that your sis is needy, blame-y and complaining all the time to Mom about how horrible everyone is, especially you, for not being her emotional caretaker.  You can't control that.  Mom is falling for it.  My opinion is that's between them, and it's probably best that you stay out of it.  You can say that:  This is between you and Sis, I'm staying out of it.

I know it's hard, but just remember, if you relax your boundary, things get infinitely harder, right?  You deserve a peaceful life too, you know.