Has your husband received a BPD diagnosis?  Part of your post makes me think yes, part makes me think no.  Please let us know.

I did want to answer you directly though and say that what you're describing above is consistent with someone who suffers from BPD.  At the start of the relationship, everything is wonderful and they're very open...they wouldn't want to live without you in their life.  But as reality sets in and they realize that you have faults just like every other person in the world, they begin to withdraw because they feel like things are slipping away.  He wouldn't want to express that now though or show it directly because now it's a possibility, you may walk out on him and it would break him internally.

So instead of confronting his fears directly, he lashes out in other ways.  Maybe he complains about the food, the neighbors, what's on TV, anything really.  Maybe little things you do makes him act like they've super big things...all this ties back to feeling neglected and the relationship falling apart.

More than anything though, it's disordered thinking and obsessing over details until they begin to shift and take new meaning.  That's what happened in my former marriage, my ex wife said I was highly abusive and always put her down.  Yet when others asked what I said or did, she couldn't recall anything.  It's because in her mind, I had become the enemy and she felt like I was out to ruin her life.  None of that was true, but her feelings and emotions made it true to her.

That's BPD, that's the sickness and why it's so hard on relationships.

I want to key in on some of your statements. "A bit of" is minimizing the substance abuse. It's not a "bit". It may not be her main underlying issue but it is a significant one- no matter what the amount of substance is.

She "has to" drink in your presence. No, she doesn't "have" to because of the circumstances. She is the one responsible for her drinking, even if she herself isn't able to control it.

You "pray your parents will understand"- if they are enablers, they may not understand, but this isn't a reason for you to have boundaries on your own well being.

You are not being irrational by choosing to have boundaries. Your plan to protect your future and emotional well being is rational and reasonable.

I'm not being critical of your thinking and FOG. I recognize this as similar to the thinking I grew up with, and this is why I point them out. When we grow up in a family with dysfunction, it's what we know as "normal". The uncertainty, FOG, self questioning is a result of that. However, you also have the insight to know this isn't functional and are working on positive change. This is a good thing.

In a family with dysfunction, all family members take on behaviors that keep the family in balance. If one member changes their behavior- the other members feel a sense of discomfort. They may then attempt to get the family member who changed back in their role. If the family member does not do that, they may get angry and even reject that family member.

It looks to me as if your family pattern has been to enable your sister. This is common too- as it helps keep the stress down. Everyone benefits when you appease your sister, even if it isn't to your benefit to do so. Why would parents do that? Possibly because these patterns can be intergenerational. It may be the one they know as "normal" too.

You can be the one to break the cycle for yourself and I encourage you to do so.

I also stepped out of the family pattern. I began to have boundaries with BPD mother. I also assumed my father- who was her enabler would understand. I wish he would have, but he didn't. Still, it was important to me to make this change.

I also had enabling and co-dependent tendencies, people pleasing and had to learn about boundaries. I did counseling too. It wasn't until later that a counselor recommended 12 step groups in addition to the counseling. I was surprised that nobody had mentioned them before. BPD mother did drink, but it was a long time ago and substance abuse was not an issue in my own family. What I realized though is that the family patterns are learned in childhood, and also are similar in families where there is a person with a disorder. I found groups like CODA and ACA (for adult children) to be very helpful in addition to counseling. (They don't take the place of counseling). You may want to check them out.

Thank you all so much for your advice and relation on the topic. I greatly appreciate the viewpoints you have given. I am trying not to act irrationally and give myself time to process everything and try to navigate how I am wanting to respond. I know for a fact that she will come back and possibly either try to get me to admit fault, or forget that anything was done.

   She has a bit of a substance abuse problem and can be quite unpredictable. She has to drink in order to be in the room with me when we have an altercation. The last time this happened was about 3 years ago and she stopped talking to me after kicking her daughter out of her house and I mentioned that maybe therapy would be ideal for her to get a second opinion. She took that as a threat and decided that I was an evil person for that. (she still likes to bring that up when she's mad). Now granted, back in this time I had not learned about this and was not strong enough to stick up for myself, so I admitted fault and tried to get back in her good graces.

   I don't think I can manage to do that again, I think what she has done is at my breaking point. I need to be able to give myself the mental clarity and happiness I deserve without her tearing me down every chance she gets. It's like she knows when I am doing good and happy. I literally had therapy the day before our last interaction when all this happened and my therapist had told me this was the happiest she had seen me since we started a year ago. Can you guess what my main topic of discussion is in therapy haha.

    I am building my life, I just made my own business, I am waiting for my promotion at work, I am getting married to the man of my dreams, he has gifted me with 2 beautiful children that I have the pleasure of being a bonus mom to. I cannot stand anymore hurt and pain, mental torture that this woman gives me. I really think I have to make the hard choice and cut it off before it reverts back to making me miserable. I just pray that my parents can understand and not give in to the torment of having to choose sides. I do not intend on having them choose anything, I will be civil and be able to spend holidays, family functions, ect. without making it awkward. I just will keep her more at a distance and not interact with her anymore than I need to.

    please let me know if this is a rational idea or if I am acting out of emotion, I am trying not to let my anger sway my judgement and I understand how she is unable to regulate her emotions. I don't think I can keep using it as an excuse to let her get away with how she treats me and now my soon to be family.

I've been here for a couple decades.  I recall a court ordered my then-spouse and myself to get Psych Evals.  Those are just quickie assessments since they don't do extensive testing and lots of sessions.  My PE was by a grad student from a local university.  My result?  Anxiety.  My ex?  Though Psych Evals were ordered for both of us, I never found out whether she even complied with testing and the court moved on without waiting for it.

Over the years and even until today, I've never heard of a diagnosis for my ex.  So the fact is that I'm not supposed to take the place of a trained professional to declare one way or the other.  I've met with therapists for myself and even they can't comment on a diagnosis for my ex because they've never had sessions with her.  So I'm left with my informed conclusions based on the evidence of her behavioral track record.

What type of relationship are you in?
 Bio mom to 13yr old daughter
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD? No-one that we know of
 
What is your child's strongest quality? Sense of adventure
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing? Perserverance, friendships, motivation
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child? Lack of motivation and perseverance
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed BPD, ADHD,  ASD, Anxiety, Depressed, minor Self-Harming
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 Maybe ADHD  Low Self Esteem
 Enabling, Anxiety
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child is in individual (just starting DBT) and mom is in individual, trying to arrange family therapy

What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? Support from others who get it, understanding of how to navigate BPD plus all the co-morbidities.

This is a situation I've experienced with my late dBPD mother and disordered uBPD older and only sibling.

People suffering from BPD can't process strong emotions well. With strong emotions like jealously they tend to get overly upset, suffer from mood swings and act impulsively. This is called emotional dysregulation.

It's not easy to have a relationship with a person suffering from bpd. Whatever affection they have for you is buried underneath irrational fears of abandonment, rage that your x, y, and z is better than theirs, and no one will see them as the special and superior person they are. The latter is a defense against their low and depressed self-esteem.

Notwendy has some good suggestions how not to disturb the hornets nest of a bpd's inner world. I've made the mistake of trying to fix these relationship by telling the truth or angrily setting boundaries. It never worked and set me up to be the subject of a smear campaign.

Bill Eddy is an author whose specialty is helping individuals have drama-free relationships in business and in families with high conflict people, those with personality disorders. I found the information below helpful.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!


https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-communications-for-estranged-families/

Hi there,

Only a professional can diagnose BPD, but it's not uncommon here to suspect possible BPD in a loved one.  The thing is, with BPD, a typical behavior is to blame other people for causing all sorts of problems.  That might hinder some self-reflection and prevent them from seeking therapy; or if they do get therapy, the focus might be on rehashing grievances, not necessarily on learning some better coping mechanisms and moving forward.

You can find the key criteria for a BPD diagnosis on this site.  As for your question, is BPD real, the answer is affirmative.  The thing is, human behavior and emotions are, after all, human.  We all can have strong emotions like anger, distrust, sadness, hopelessness, shame, emptiness, anxiety and love.  We all can exhibit behaviors like blaming, avoidance, impulsivity, lashing out, moodiness, infatuation, creating drama and self-sabotage sometimes.  I think the key difference is in degrees--the frequency, intensity and duration of negative thinking and behaviors.  With BPD, the consensus is that emotions are intense, often disproportionate to the situation.  I think that pwBPD feel constantly traumatized by ordinary life.  And the corresponding reactional behaviors--e.g. lashing out, impulsivity, blaming, self-harm, running away, attention-seeking or self-sabotage--can lead to dysfunction in many relationships.  The dysfunction tends to span across multiple dimensions as well as over time, for example romantic relationships, school, friendships, extended family, the workplace, etc.  Signs of dysfunction wouldn't be limited to just one "toxic" relationship, but would exhibit an overall pattern of volatile relationships and dysfunction in my opinion.

The good news is that BPD is treatable, provided that there's a firm commitment to change in the pwBPD.  Typically this would happen after the pwBPD "hit bottom" and had no other viable alternative but to get therapy and take it seriously.  In practice though, many pwBPD rely on others to take care of their needs, like housing, insurance, transportation, etc., and so though they're not exactly happy, they're content enough with the status quo.  It's just easier to blame others for all their problems, because to take responsibility would induce intense shame, which is painful.

The pwBPD in my life was diagnosed a few years ago.  Since then she's turned her life around.  Though she still has troubling emotions and distorted thinking, I'd say she's got them under better control right now.  Though she stumbles sometimes, she's much better at getting back "on track" again.  My guess is that she wouldn't strictly qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore.  Maybe now she's someone who exhibits BPD traits from time to time, when she's really stressed.

I guess I'll close with one more idea.  There are some excellent tips on this site about how to relate to someone with BPD.  I think these skills are really valuable in all sorts of situations, and especially for dealing with high-conflict, "difficult" people and situations.  I've learned a lot here.

Since there are limits to which we can influence others in our lives, we can educate ourselves and learn time-tested communication skills - some not intuitive - to reduce the conflict and set better boundaries of behavior.

We may be inclined to use a lot of logical approaches (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) that don't work well with these acting-out personality disorders.  They're too often consumed with their feelings (for them feelings = facts, especially in the moment) rather than objective reality.  Some more effective approaches are described in our Tools and Skills workshops board where SET, BIFF and others are described.

None of us are perfect - neither you, your spouse, me nor others here and elsewhere.  After all, we weren't built on a factory assembly line.  We are influenced by our genetics, childhood, environment and experiences in life.  Yet in general most do try to be "reasonably normal" despite some hopefully minimal issues.  Part of being reasonably normal is to look for the positives in our lives and relationships.

Sadly, some people such as persons with Borderline traits experience (euphoric) up and (negative) down cycles.  They get easily triggered and easily shift into seeing everything in negatives.  It's hard for then to regulate those negative, self-oriented feeling and look outside themselves.

The fact that you asked this question makes it likely that you are not seriously disordered.  Yet, as mentioned above, none of us are perfect - we all have quirks, mannerisms and whatnot - so we can always reflect on who we are and how we can improve in the future.  Not to beat ourselves down, but to look forward with goals.

I agree completely, you can only control you (and to some extent, the kids since they're little).  Your husband must control your husband and what you're doing is making it plainly clear that he has to make a choice.  That alone could be your catalyst and I really hope that it is someday.  Until then though, you have to continue living your life and not worry about what he might do.


Hey, that's awesome- it sounds like you've adjusted well over the past few months.  You seem to be doing everything right and have the priorities in order (you, then the kids).  All this stuff takes time and four months is such a short period of your life.  It will get easier, I promise!