Hi there,

I agree with everything JS wrote and couldn't have written it better myself.

I recently went through a tense living situation with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  She has been living with us, on and off, for the last several years.  She would try living on campus, quit and then rebound to our place.  She'd try living on her own and then rebound.  The most recent, months-long stint of living with us was not ideal.  She moved in with us because of tensions with her roommates.  Then her lease ran out, and her roommates moved elsewhere, without her (cue intense feelings of rejection).  The "deal" was that she could live with us, rent-free, for as long as she wanted, provided that she was nice, cleaned up after herself and worked full-time (or worked full-time on finding a full-time position).  Though at first she acted civilly, it became clear soon enough that what she really wanted was to use our place like a vacation home.  She didn't spend much time looking for work, and she only worked only a couple of days a month.  She refused to share meals, didn't help out one bit, and she grew passive-aggressive and hostile.  She was sleeping late.  Though she's an adult, I think she resents the notion that she has to contribute and work to earn a living.  She is extremely entitled and expects others to over-function for her.  Because her aura was petulant and dark, she infected the mood in the home.  Then one morning my husband yelled at her to get out of bed (she was sleeping in late once again), and she snapped, packed her things, left and didn't contact us for a few weeks.  I'm pretty sure that her version of the story is that she was "thrown out" of an "abusive" home and made "homeless."

Here's the thing though.  I think the BPD daughter is extremely uncomfortable in the home, because she knows she's imposing, and not pulling her weight, and not holding up her end of the implicit bargain.  She can't hide her dysfunction when she's living with you all the time.  She feels like a loser because she can't manage living independently, when peers all around her seem to be having the time of their lives.  She expects perfect performance from you, while she's failing and flailing.  Every waking moment she feels ashamed, guilty, inadequate, and she thinks that's what you think of her.  She actually RESENTS needing so much support from you.  Those negative feelings are eating away at her, and they need an outlet.  Maybe she manufactures a fight, eggs you on, so that you relent and engage in an argument with her, but then she can blame YOU for being hostile.  She feeds on that negative emotion and riles herself up into a vindictive rage, forgetting that she instigated the whole mess.  Meanwhile, she hurls insults your way, and they hit hard, because you're already frazzled and frustrated, exhausted from walking on eggshells in your own home.  You want to tell her to leave, but you fear that she won't be able to handle living on her own.  Does that sound about right?

Notwendy,
Yes, we are both a work in progress. We are able to see through people in ways that others aren't because of how we have seen the masks slip with our disordered family members when in private. We get it much more easily that we are being recruited to be an enabler of bad behaviors, and experience the anger of disordered people who are just used to getting their way all the time because most people don't want to be bothered in dealing with their bad behaviors. I just can't look away especially when children are involved.

Hi TheNana,

Im sorry you are going through this with your udd. Keep doing what you are doing and dont let what your dd says bring you down. I think your udd is projecting her feelings of inadequacy onto you.

I was often called lazy, useless, worthless, friendless, pathetic....etc by my udd when she lived at home. All untrue but it took a lot of my confidence away.  Eventually I came across how pwbpd often use "projection" and began to realise that she called these awful names because that was how she was really feeling that way about herself.
I think that the belittling of new career choice is also to do with how she feels about herself and something that perhaps in reality she would want for herself if she is honest with herself.

My udd always became more focal about supposed mistreatment when a new friend was on the scene who only heard her side of the story. I think she had to live up to it so maybe thats why your dd has suddenly changed in her attitude towards you now this new partner is around. You are doing well to stick to your boundaries. Its expected that your dd will rebel against them to begin with because it is like suddenly coming across a brick wall that wasnt there before and it which will be a shock to her at first but remember that they are there to protect you and you must maintain them. Also using JADE is another great tool to use. No Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining however much dd provokes you to respond which will save you countless emotional energy.

Its sad that you are not able to share this new exciting chapter in your life with someone that you live with. Normal behaviour would be for someone you are close to to be happy for you and encouraging, but I never felt I could share details about my work with my udd because she never showed any interest either and if I did she said that I was boasting or showing off. Again I think it made her feel inadequate.

I would also say that it is probably time that your dd and her partner find their own place to live if they are adults and leave you to live in peace. It might even work out better in the longrun for  the r/s between you and your dd. She may appreciate you more. It wont mean that you love her any less by giving them 2 options. a) date to move out or b) Live by your rules and  contribute financially to the household.

You aren't alone with this. This is a common longing. My BPD mother is also deceased.

BPD behaviors can increase during stressful times. Holiday prep can be stressful even to people without a personality disorder. If we were having company, my BPD mother was very stressed and her behaviors increased.

It was common for her to delegate tasks to other people to do for her and for me, that also included food prep. But due to her projecting her emotions and distress- she would be critical and rage over even small errors. Even if all went well, she'd act as if something wasn't right.

One thing I needed to learn is that this is her projecting her own stress and emotions and not personal to me. It also helped to anticipate the situation. Self care is important in these situations. Think of ways you can take some care for yourself during these times. Can you take a short walk during a break, do some food prep ahead of time at your house alone, delegate a task by ordering some of the sides (many restaurants do family style take out during the holidays- it may be worth the extra cost to ease the task on you)

My BPD mother's family thought the issues with my mother were because of me. They mostly knew me through what my BPD mother had said to them. I rarely saw them. 

Many years later they realized the larger picture and did apologize to me. I was surprised as I didn't expect it. Mostly- if someone was in my mother's circle, I kept a polite emotional distance.

We do learn behaviors from both parents- behaviors we then can work on changing when we are adults. These behaviors may have helped us to get by in our disordered families when we were younger but don't help us in relationships as adults.

You have come a long way Zachira. We are all a work in progress- progress, all of us.

Bythe? I am so sorry for your "roller coaster ride"! My stomach turned from reading that because it reminded me of the same things someone used to tell me. It took me YEARS to finally realize that it was all excuses and running from responsibility. Please don't take this as a judgment. That is not my intention. I feel your pain is all. Don't let it eat away at you to the point you can't move forward for yourself. Stay strong!

Hello Lodi! I feel you on that. I have experienced the same scenario. No one around to hear what is being said to me. Any response that is to protect yourself or voice the facts is shut down in such a demeaning manner that it actually makes me feel like I just turned white as a ghost in disbelief. My daughter has learned to play the victim so well that she is believing her own delusions. It's the "let me tell my story first" game. I end up at a loss to even try to voice about anything. Lately it is a fight every day to remember that I am not worthless just because she wants me to believe I am. I have  asked her time and time again in as many different ways that I can come up with; How does tearing me down to a state that makes me out to be a non-productive person going to make your life better? I share with my adult child all I have to offer to show support the best way I know how. Others reaction to me when I try to share what is happening, is that "All I want to do is argue". I have to tell myself that I deserve to be happy. She told me I was going to die alone. It broke my heart to hear that after she knows about past abusive relationships that I have fought hard to stay away from. I appreciate the shares and all I can do is share also so that you don't feel alone.

He may believe he is super smart but he is also, by the indications you've shared, quite acting-out and disordered.  Sure, he's looking for ways to keep you under his thumb and even intimidated, but there's a reality he wants you to forget:  You can end the marriage no matter what he says or does.  It may be rough at first since pwBPD or other acting-out disorders are prone to overreact with extinction bursts intended to coerce you into retreat, but walking out the other end of the marriage is truly astounding.

One of our members, livednlearned, was married to a pwBPD who was a lawyer.  She not only divorced him despite his obstruction and boasts of legal connections, she also made it clear in court how bad it was, so much so that she got a gatekeeping order from the court.  This meant he made so many errors that the court eventually treated him as a vexatious litigant and required that all his filings had to be vetted first by a judge before he could proceed to file.

Courts are not there to approve or deny divorces.  All it takes is for one spouse to decide to file for divorce and it will happen.  If you are determined then it will happen.  The court system is there to - more or less - referee the process.

Of course, you also need to prepare yourself.  It won't be simple nor easy.  Find an experienced and proactive lawyer.  Listen to your lawyer's advice - which will also include not sharing details of your divorce strategy.  Expect your spouse to overreact in unexpected ways.  Divorce is not a time to show our Nice Guy or Nice Gal or "I must be overly fair and forthcoming" qualities.  Also, we have extensive time-tested experience here, with many of us having also gone through divorces.  In addition to your lawyer, we here in peer support can also help you avoid the worst of the common pitfalls and traps that can trip us up.  We've "done that, experienced that".

You are not alone in having an elderly mother with BPD who makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays. It is especially difficult to be the only daughter of a mother with BPD. You will soon hear from others on this site who are very familiar with a situation like yours. My mother with BPD is deceased.

 
I always dread the holidays. I'm the eldest child and only daughter of a mom with BPD. She is emotionally erratic this time of year, expects me to do a lot of the holiday prep for family gatherings while she rages and complains. She is in her mid-80s. I'm in my 60s. Her weakness and mobility issues mean I feel obligated to help. I'm sad that holidays are times of dread instead of joy.