I admire how you use the quotes in a box to respond to members. Can you tell me how to do that?

Anyone here autistic AF?

Due to growing up in an incredibly invalidating home life (save that rant for another time), I ended up trying to "save people" as a young adult - all of which led to one of my "projects" telling me she had catastrophic drug-induced liver failure and had been removed from the transplant list due to her longstanding alcoholism and begging me to marry her...and yup, we married. I figured it was a "good deed", and why not - she was diagnosed BPD but in my youth I felt sure that was "just a label" and ultimately enough willpower and self-control could solve it. (Spoiler: Nope).

But one of the traps that seemed to ensnare people was that the "pop culture understanding" of BPD says "Oh, the only people who get into relationships with them are narcissists because they love the adulation when splitting cuts in their favour", but that seems lazy and overly speculative - lots of quotes in medical literature, not much peer-reviewed research. But then it's used for example in divorce and family court to say "Well we all KNOW what it means if someone married a BPD", when frankly...one of the most infuriating things to autists is when people confuse two conditions that are clinical opposites.

-Narcissists are deeply insecure, and fixated on people's perception of them - they act aloof and superior to avoid/hide a crippling self-esteem issue. They probably do like BPDs "positive splitting" more than most.

-Autistic (and/or Aspies) people are clinically unable to care what others think about them, their reputation is functionally irrelevant. They probably end up with BPDs more often than most simply because they don't run away after hearing "I think you're having an affair with your sister, I saw a baby in the park that looked like you, you're just like my Dad, I gave up on my one-week career as a stripper and now I'm thinking maybe a nun, you're like literally worse than Hitler because you are the most evil sociopath narcissist psychopath gaslighting hypochondriac agoraphobic lazy workaholic ever!!!"...whereas most people run away when the "bad split" happens - but autists are just like "well, there's zero truth to that, so why would I be bothered?".

Yet somehow I still run into this constant age-old bias that's crept up into the literature, the idea that BPDs and Narcissists end up together and nobody else can stand them, and if you know someone with BPD then their significant other must be a narcissist. My ex claiming I was a narcissist actually led to a forensic psychiatric examination of me that not only dismissed narcissism, but very politely said "he has the dead opposite of narcissism, this cracka be autistic AF and don't give a damn what she or anyone else thinks - she's simply a goodwill project he's worked on helping and allowing in his life in ways that seem perplexing to outsiders" (I'm paraphrasing)

It seems like a topic I haven't seen addressed on this forum much before, and the "Search" function is broken - so I'll just ask...anyone else noticed this?

It's a sadly common issue; I think it was Dr. Christine Lawson's book where she quotes a colleague that your medical insurance believes the only acceptable response to a pwBPD coming in is "refer, refer, refer" - ie, they know that these patients frequently make false claims ranging from mistreatment to rape, against those trying to help them.

Complicating the issue, many insurers/medicaid don't allow you to choose the gender of your professional - but in your relative's case...it may be that "men" are triggering her differently than women would.

So even a psychiatrist who is absolutely certain it's BPD...is going to refer them off to someone else, anyone else, back to their GP if necessary. So you end up with a therapist or counselor who validates them and makes them feel good for an hour - but does nothing to cure the underlying ailment or end the symptoms. There are relatively few professionals willing to take on the risk of a pwBPD - hopefully you've found McLean Hospital as a resource for potentially tracking down some of those elusive doctors.

Hi there,

Well sharing a living space takes the tension to a whole other level.  My advice is that when your sister starts ranting about doctors or the topic du jour, you nod or make a neutral statement (uh huh) and then exit the room.  If she follows you, do it again.  If she screams at you for not listening, then calmly state something semi-neutral but non-accusatory, like, "I'm in a rush / I need some fresh air / I'm sure you'll figure it out / Gotta check the laundry / Gotta go to the bathroom / Nothing I say will make it any better, so I don't want to discuss this anymore."  And then go for a walk, run an errand, clean the bathroom, whatever, with the goal of putting your sister in an "adult time out," so that she has time and space to calm down.

Another technique when you can't get away (e.g. if you're together in a car) is to gray rock.  That means being as still, silent and boring as a gray rock.  You don't react to her emotional episode, so as not to feed the fire, not to reward your sister's negativity with your attention.  With luck she'll see she's not engaging you, and she'll tire out from talking to herself.

My question is, if living with your sister is distressing, why not ask her to leave, or why not leave yourself?  I'm assuming you are both adults.  You could make it work if you wanted to.  Let her worry about her, and you worry about you.  You deserve to be happy and not be condemned to a lifetime of emotional caretaking of a disordered person who refuses to get therapy.  Sure, she'll throw a fit, blame you and probably hate you for a time.  But that might be the push she needs to start taking responsibility for her life and get some help, which it sounds like she needs.  My guess is that she's in YOUR home, and that you are helping her "get back on her feet," but that she has far overstayed her welcome, right?  My other guess is that she's not contributing her fair share, because she's stuck in victim mode (too sick, tired, in pain, etc. to work, clean, shop, be helpful, be nice, etc.).  You tell her that you love her, it's time she get back on her feet, and you expect her to leave by such-and-such date.  You are converting "her" room into your home office, and you start getting busy with that--buy some paint, move some office furniture into your office, remove her clothes from your office closet, ask your sister to sleep on the couch, get started on the renovation.  My point is, you need to show your commitment to reclaiming your home, and your sister has to start feeling uncomfortable.  Maybe you change your wifi password and not tell your sister the new one.  And then you stick to the move-out date, no matter what.  She can find another couch to crash on, a house-sitting situation, an apartment, Airbnb, Mom & Dad, the YWCA.  She can find another place to store her belongings, a storage facility if she has to.  If she's smart enough to shop doctors, she's smart enough to shop living situations and storage units.  Sure, she'll guilt trip you, scream at you, blame you, hoping you will relent and let her mooch off you for the rest of your life, while treating you badly and blaming everyone else for her problems.  It's manipulation.  Yet she's an adult, she's responsible for finding her own place to live, which doesn't involve you. 

Look, my adult BPD stepdaughter was living with her dad and me, on and off, for several years.  It wasn't a typical situation where an adult child is living with parents, working, participating in home life and trying to save up to move out eventually.  It was exploitative, because when she was with us, she was NEETT most of the time--not in education, employment, training or therapy.  She was basically "on vacation," mooching, brooding, being passive-aggressive or raging full-time.  That was not good for us, nor for her, nor reflective of real-world realities for an adult.  Eventually the situation got so tense that her dad asked her to leave, and she did.  She crashed on a friend's couch, then found some sort of house-sit situation, and eventually she got a job and managed to find an apartment with a roommate.  Though she still has some financial support from us, her life looks a lot healthier than it did when she was living with us, sleeping the days away, acting aggrieved and blaming us for her woes.  I think kicking her out was actually great for her, and for us as well.  Right now we're estranged from her (as per the usual cycle), but my guess is that she'll come around eventually.  But I'm relieved not to have to endure the daily bad moods, exploitation and poor decisions by the pwBPD.  I was sick and tired of the victim mindset preventing her from taking responsibility for her life.  The only way to get her to take responsibility was to stop enabling her from avoiding responsibility.  And that means kicking her out, getting her on her feet again.

Just my two cents.

It's unpleasant to be subjected to an unnecessary push and pull to assert dominance, status or choose sides in a family drama. I try not to do this and it's jarring to be the recipient of it. I always think we should get along since we are family. I'm not sure if they are disordered but the patterns are. I suspect alcohol abuse may play a part. I beat back a challenge to some land on my dad's side on my own without help from a lawyer. They were trying to cheat him and I helped him. There may be fear I'll do the same to them as this is my mom's side of the family and there are outstanding issues.

I left home at 18 to go to school to get away from my overwhelming mother. My view of the family was her only and not pay attention to anything else.

Maybe I look like an outsider to them. I've lived a different life with a pretty good career and have different interests. I'm sure there's resentment. I've not had to lean on my FOO for much.  Frankly, there wasn't much from them anyway with all energy going to my mother's terrible behavior and my brother's issues. I've turned into what my parents wanted for my brother. Or maybe it doesn't matter. If you don't fit the mold and you do not choose alliances, this is what happens. You're on the outs.

Cordial but distant is a good way to put this, notwendy! This is me being disinterested in drama.

I'm not used to the silent treatment since my late dBPD mother would keep talking and raising her voice when upset. Good advice to carry on and not give in to pressure.

Yes, it may not be possible to completely avoid extended family. While it's unlikely that all are disordered, some may be and also family "patterns" exist. The patterns that seem "normal" in the family when people grow up with them. That may be a part of why the seemingly non disordered ones feel inclined to be flying monkeys.

Since I didn't live very close to my BPD mother, and we had different "circles" of people we interacted with frequently, it seemed safer to assume that anyone in her circle was someone to be cordial with when I saw them, but not get too close to.







 

I've been on the receiving end of snarky, rude comments in public as many of us have.  I ignore it and smile to not egg the person on.  Or I just ignore it with a blank face like it didn't happen.  I try to get away from them as soon as I can.


I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't blame you for stepping back. We have PTSD from a young age from being emotionally abused by my our mothers. It's exhausting to deal with these situations as an adult since it brings up hurt and anger from a very early age when you were totally dependent on this person.

I had incidents with another relative and her spouse on my vacation last year where I was treated in a pleasant manner but can't help thinking it was cruel and self-serving. They repeated painful information only my brother would know. Then they tried acting like they were my best friend trying to help me.

 I can't help but think they were pumping me for information as flying monkeys to my disordered brother in hopes of broadening his smear campaign against me. I wanted to be honest and confront it and them. I sensed doing that would ignite their own smear campaign against me. I played dumb and ignored them. I was pleasant and began talking about unrelated things. They persisted when I saw them gossiping about others to get a reaction out of me. I believe they planned to spread my reaction around to smear me. I ignored it.  It was unnerving but didn't know how else to protect myself.

I promised her some photos when we got back home. She seemed excited that I was going to send them.  I really didn't want to and procrastinated but finally did thinking I misread their intentions. I was giving them the benefit of the doubt. She wrote back saying, I have these.  There was no acknowledging my effort or a thank you.  I saw her and her husband at a large family gathering recently. She stood away but her husband told me to stop overtalking people the minute I said hello. Maybe this was from the summer? It was out of context. I ignored it though I can't say it didn't sting.

I plan to return to this vacation spot this summer. I have a right to be there. I plan to stay away from these people though. It's exhausting. I tried being kind and friendly to them. It's very disappointing.

My BPD mother would do the "refusing to speak to you" and also tell other people to do this too. So if other people do that, it's very distressing at first, but then I have learned to deal with it better, realizing it's a disordered response.

I can understand someone feeling at a loss for words and needing some time to compose themselves but this is different from a prolongued intentional cut contact.

Your cousin's BIL sounds like a walking red flag.

Hey there, lots of care and gentleness to you as you navigate this painful situation.

The first thing that strikes me from your post is that many of the strategies we might use in order to improve a bad relationship, have already been tried. You love each other, yet this is not enough. She is repeatedly


yet her behaviour doesn't change. She and you are already in therapy.

Are there any other steps you can think of? If not, it may be reasonable to expect that the way things are in your relationship now, is how they will continue in future, unless you put some distance between yourself and the relationship. At least for long enough to think things through.


This seems abusive to me. It is abusive to leverage material and economic power over someone else like this. It entrenches a harmful power dynamic between two people, who should be 'partners', loving equals. You do not deserve this and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

Do you have family or friends back in your country of origin who might be able to spot you some cash? Do you have savings? It might be worth looking up cheap accommodation options so that you can take time away from this toxic dynamic. Sometimes hostels have discounts for stays over a week. If you are a foreigner, depending on the country you are in, you might be able to volunteer in exchange for a bed, if money is an issue.

I really feel for you. After my uBPDx demanded I leave our shared room, I spent 2 and a half months bouncing between friends' couches in different cities. It was hard, but I have come out the other side, and you can too.