Hi,

Thank you for your words, and sorry for not replying earlier. As expected, the situation exploded. I would say it was more my inability to cope. It was just too much.

Hello Cat Parent. I also have a sister wbpd and I really relate. I have been that inner circle person, the recipient of vicious communications, disconnected, a little connected, all of it.  So first want to extend my sadness that you’re going through this. It’s exhausting on every level.

What Pook says really resonates for me. I won’t repeat it but I will emphasize that you don’t need to know your whole future at this point. You can’t anyway. You need to know what u to ou want to do now. And you need to know that you can’t control the outcome, just what you do.

Take care of yourself.

Papering over discord won't work.  This must be a lifetime change and improvement for your spouse.  Of course there can and will be setbacks now and then. Sort of, two steps forward and one step back.  The difference is that overall it continues to be improving.  Falling back into past push-pull patterns isn't positive.

Recovery is a process, not an event.  Counseling is so very helpful.  Of course, peer support such as the support found here is also so very helpful!

Be cautious about starting another relationship too quickly.  Rebound relationships often fail because we haven't yet regained our equilibrium.  How do we determine what might be a rebound relationship?  One indication is if we are unsettled and focus too much discussing the recent disaster.

In a way, we all arrived here sick because we were depressed, stressed out, and looking for answers.  Relationships are comfortable and it's tough to break that bond at first because it feels natural...even when it's actually harmful to you.  So you're not feeling anything that the rest of us felt when our relationship with a BPD ex or relative seemed to fall apart.

For instance, I went on sleep meds for a good 3 or 4 weeks after the breakup.  I was a complete mess and would have done anything to save the relationship.  Yet a few years later, I see how incredibly toxic it was and how much of my life I sacrificed to placate to my ex 24/7.  Everything was about her, everything was always chaos.  But it felt normal because I did it for so long.

It takes time to get over these relationships.  The good times were great, but that was part of the mental illness as well.  He mirrored everything you liked to be the perfect person for you...which sounds wonderful.  But none of us would have entered those relationships if we knew what was coming, if we truly understood BPD.

I just feel so hopeless. Like I lost the love of my life. Which I know it's insane because it was so chaotic and unhealthy. I am having such a hard time counting all the bad against him when I know how much bad there was. And how intensely bad it was.  But all i can think about is the good and how much i miss that version of him.  I must be sick too.

Hi Cat and welcome to the family!  Great question and I'm really glad you found us.

BPD is a mental health condition that affects close relationships.  That tells me that your sister considers you a part of her inner circle, someone she relies on to talk, rant, or whatever.  That's what close friends do, after all.  But it sounds like your sister is taking that to another level and focusing mostly on herself...not so much on you.  It's a very common problem with a BPD loved one and almost every member can relate.

For me, I have a BPD daughter that I had to distance from.  Not because I don't love her or want to talk to her, but it was important for me to get outside of that "inner circle" with the constant daily updates.  Her boss was mean to her, there's something wrong with her dog, the neighbor is a jerk, this new person they just met is the most amazing person on Earth.  It was endless and like you, I just couldn't do it anymore.  Everyone was either a saint or a demon...there was no middle ground.

So I slowly backed off, strategically.  I'd intentionally take 10-15 minutes to reply to a "rant text", and maybe an hour or two for more general stuff.  If she was in crisis, I replied quickly, but otherwise I gave her enough time to text someone else and rant to them instead.

There were many bumbs in the road in this process and currently, I'm told my daughter is back to hating me.  That's okay though, I understand what that means and I don't let it bother me anymore.  I'd rather have her bad-mouth me from time to time than be in her closest inner circle.  Like you, I just couldn't take it anymore and it caused a lot of anxiety.

I also know it's not real hate anyway.  My daughter told me ex wife recently that we had talked.  My ex was surprised because she thought we didn't talk at all anymore, like something serious happened.  Maybe it did by my kid's version of events, I don't know.  But every time I talk to my daughter, she seems to tell the entire family about our entire conversations.  So that's not someone who actually hates me, she just misses her dad (and unintentionally abusing her dad).

You have to make a choice- no matter what you do, you'll get some pushback and blame.  You can block your sister, or be much slower in repliyng, or keep having the same conversations.  But from my experience, it's much easier to be a distant relationship and not in the middle of everything.  I hope that helps.

Hello,
My sister with borderline personality disorder lives in another state. She is 66 and I am 64. Let's call her Bitsy (not her real name). Anyway, Bitsy and I are in touch on a regular basis via text. Long story short, about three weeks ago Bitsy got mad at me and sent me a rude text, and then I blocked her. To be honest, I really wanted to block her anyway and I was waiting for an opportune moment. Everyday I receive text messages from her about problems and chaos in her life. It's a heavy load for me to carry and I really needed a break from it. (The chaos she creates is quite literally unbelievable). How do you deal with text messages from a loved one? How do you stay involved with the story of their life without becoming bogged down by the burden of it?
I appreciate your ideas and suggestions.
Thank you!

She initiated every single breakup - people used to joke about it and say 'Hey, you're due for another breakup, you've been back together for XX weeks'. That's how regular it happened. No matter how well things were going - and we did have some good times - I realised thar she would be triggeed by something and break up again, it was only a question of 'when' not 'if'. It truly wears you down.

I chased after her every time, even though I knew I was the innocent one. Looking back, it was the worst thing to do because once she knew she could break up and still have me chase her, it made her do it all the more. If I could turn back time I'd make sure we stayed broken up after that first time and saved myself 4 years of grief.. but I always thought 'next time will be better' and that's the BPD trap we end up in.

Don't beat yourself up; you have rules and morals but you were faced with someone who played by no rules and did exactly what they wanted, when they wanted with no thought to the hurt being caused. They go by their disordered emotions which can change by the minute and they can shut you out and act like they never knew you. It's one of the worst mental illnesses to have to deal with and I don't think any of us will ever truly forget a BPD relationship.

It varies since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are just like us, no two are exactly alike.  Also, the scenarios are different from person to person, some are BF/GF, others are engaged, others are married, others have children together, etc.

But one common thread is that it generally worsens over time.  It's been compared to the boiling frog analogy.  Drop a frog into a pot of really hot water and it will hop out.  Drop a frog into water and gradually warm it, you'll soon have a boiled frog.

It's almost as though the other, once the initial adoration or infatuation is past, "lets down their hair" so to speak and you see what's underneath.  Then once you seem to have reached your limit, then it lessens for a while and then it resurges again, to a new level, the push-pull repeating.

Then, too, it is more likely for there to be ultimatums and demands, shouting matches, ragefests, unreasonable guilting, disrespect and so much more.  It may not be abusive at first, but with some people verbal and physical abuse are real risks.

In my case, I believe it was my spouse's childhood FOO, especially the abusive stepfather but also the complicit mother too.  I didn't realize it at first, though just before the wedding I formed an impression I was saving her.  In the first decade I thought her episodes were the result of child abuse, but the pattern, looking back, was that her behavior and ragefests gradually worsened.

About that time I got that idea that if we had a child then she'd be happier watching our child discover the joys of life.  I was so clueless!  It made everything worse because when we divorced, we didn't just have to end the marriage, we also had to deal with the added complication of custody and parenting issues.  Our child was 3 when we separated, it took several years in and out of family court before we had a court order that worked.  Some 15 years later our child aged out of the system and the parenting issues lessened, but conflict is still there lurking in the background since my ex is prone to being easily triggered.

If you decide your relationship would be unworkable, even damaging, in a future together, better to cut your losses sooner than later.  That's not what any of us want, we want all roses and popsicles, but it's the reality when BPD is in the mix.