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Hi there,
It's sad, but the unbelievable is utterly believable when it comes to BPD. Generally speaking, her expectations of others are unrealistic. My guess is that when she called you, she fully expected you to drop everything and jump her car--and when you declined because it was inconvenient for you, she went ballistic, because it just didn't enter her mind that you would be busy with your life. She thinks, HER life should always come first, HER problems are YOURS to solve. And so she spirals, incredibly angry. Further, she probably thought that when she showed you just how angry she was, you'd change your mind and help her. When you declined, thinking she'd understand because you were at work, she was doubly wounded, and so she'll punish you, probably by not allowing her kid(s) to see you. She became so angry that she couldn't think straight, let alone find a viable solution to her minor problem. She could wait for her husband to come home (I assume she has a husband since she's pregnant but I could be wrong). She could ask the nextdoor neighbor for a jump. She could call AAA. She could take an Uber for the day. But no, in her mind, you were evil incarnate, selfish, narcissistic, a let down, the ruiner of her entire life. All because her car battery died, as if that's a major crisis.
I think you did the right thing. You're allowed to say NO, when you're too busy or inconvenienced. The thing is, your daughter has to learn that others have the right to say NO, and not take it like a personal affront. With BPD, she hears something like, "NO, I don't love you, you're incompetent and your day is completely ruined," instead of "NO, I'm too busy right now, but I can stop by after work if you still need a jump then."
As for 10-year-old girls getting manicures and the pwBPD in your life expecting you to pay for it, I probably wouldn't have gotten the manicures. I think salon manicures are expensive and also inappropriate for girls that young, unless they are choosing to spend their allowance money that way. I would have said, Let's go to my house and we'll have a manicure party. I have nail files, clear nailpolish and French tip marker, and the girls could trim and paint each other's nails, maybe even paint some Polka dots or squiggles, or add some aluminum foil flecks. In a pinch I might have given them a budget of $5 to pick out a polish at the drug store. No way would I have shelled out around $100 including tips. Chances are the girls would have more fun and more interaction with each other at a "home manicure party" than if they had gone to a salon. Best of all, they could show off their own miniature works of art.
Regarding the statement that you only want to do the fun things--Yes, that's what grandmas are for! Why wouldn't you want to do the fun things? You're not the parent, she is. You shouldn't have to do the chauffeuring, doctor's appointments, PTA meetings, disciplining, caring for sick kids, etc., unless you choose to. You should get quality time with the grandkids.
As for the frequent moves, that sounds familiar. The pwBPD in my life seems to think that her "living situation" is constantly causing her distress. She has moved around five times in the last year alone. My guess is that she thinks she needs a "fresh start" and a "change of scenery" to feel better. Sometimes I thinks she spends so much time moving residences to avoid dealing with her life head-on, such as working regularly at a job. You see, she'll spend a lot of time searching for a place. For her, moving day stretches into moving week or longer. She'll need a few additional weeks to "settle in," whereas most people unpack boxes in the spare hours between working and sleeping. It's almost as if moving has become her "occupation," in the vain attempt to make her life better. But the problem isn't the "living situation," it's with her. Even so, I think that for her, changing residences feels like fleeing from her everyday problems. I think it's linked to her general issue of unrealistic expectations--that her life will magically become better when she moves. Alas, she's constantly disappointed.
I guess my advice is to know that your daughter's problems are NOT your problems to solve. In fact, if your daughter says, Jump, and you ask, How high?, you're training her to expect ever more and more from you. If you feel resentful, that's a sure sign that you're over-functioning for your daughter. I think you might benefit by being less available to your daughter to solve her everyday problems. I call this "slow walking." Instead of taking a personal day off work and rushing to do your daughter's bidding, you might slow things down. I gave an example above: "I can't jump your car right now, but if you still need one at the end of the day, I can swing by after work." Chances are she'll find another solution before then. The only way she'll learn some resourcefulness is if you give her more time and space to calm down and think through solutions that don't involve calling Mom and having a meltdown. Granted, she'll probably be mad at you if you decline to do her bidding like you used to. But she's mad at you already. Just know that it's not your fault, it's your daughter's BPD and her unreasonable expectations. Chances are she'll reach out to you again soon enough . . . probably when she needs something yet again. And you have the right to say NO if you don't want to.
Just my two cents.
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