If you currently have less than a typical non-primary parent's parenting schedule (less than the usual "alternate weekends plus an evening or overnight in between") then seeking to flip the longstanding order may to too much at once.  How so?

I recall how shocked I was when my divorce lawyer told me that courts usually didn't make big changes to orders since too big a change might "shock" the child.  I almost felt like shouting, "What if not making a big change is shocking the child?"

That's why I've since had the impression that courts prefer to make smaller adjustments... so they can stop once the changes resolve the issues at hand.

For example, I kept going back to court every 2-3 years because issues never resolved.  I started with alternate weekends in the temp order, moved up to equal time/custody in the final decree, moved up to full guardianship a couple years later, finally moved up to majority time a few years after that.  He was almost 4 years old when we separated, he was still 11 years old when we finally had an order that "worked".

So my thought is that if you don't have the common non-primary parent schedule as mentioned in the first paragraph, that that "incremental" upgrade may be considered reasonable by the court.  It is normal for children to have alternate weekends with each parent.

Also, if you're not getting the usual alternate holidays and two to three weeks vacation with the kids each year then that also is something reasonable to get fixed.

Hi there,

Regarding the school counselor, they are legally mandated reporters.  In other words, they have to break confidentiality if they suspect abuse or imminent danger.  I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know if the source of the complaint is relevant, but it seems to me that there would be a difference between a child feeling scared/unsafe, vs. a potentially disgruntled parent tattling on an ex.  Now, every counselor is different, and they might exercise discretion when determining if something is "reportable," and decide to do the paperwork, too.  But my guess is that if your daughter went with her concerns about drunk driving, and then maybe followed up with other concerns, the counselor would have "enough" to report, and that could launch a CPS investigation.  From there, it's hard to say if CPS will find the homelife to be abusive or dangerous.  I can say that in my extended family, CPS came to that determination, but only after the second CPS investigation, because the disordered parent was a huge manipulator and consummate liar.  I guess that's why this site recommends to document, document, document, to establish patterns of abuse/danger/not acting for the welfare of the child.

I also agree with Notwendy about kids not wanting to completely cut out a parent from their life.  I think most children crave having a relationship with both parents--but in a set-up that protects their safety and development.  In my extended family, that means that kids live with mom, but they visit with their disordered dad while supervised by another adult (Grandma), and they don't stay overnight or drive with their dad (alone) anymore, because he cannot guarantee their safety.  He barely has the energy for a days-long visit as it is.  They do better with controlled contact, say dinner together at a restaurant.  That's about all their dad can handle.  But that's better than no relationship whatsoever, or the kids staying in his pig-sty home with no food, or letting him drive, drunken-like, falling asleep at the wheel, half blind from self-inflicted, untreated diabetes and kidney disease.

Notwendy makes a good point about getting excited about college.  I know that after visiting a couple of campuses in my teens, I was super-excited and motivated by the prospect of going to college and living on campus.  You know how scheduling a vacation in your calendar can lift your spirits, before you're even close to packing?  I think the same phenomenon happens with dreaming about college, because it's a beacon, a reminder that this period of living in a disordered household with mom has an expiration date.  It's not about severing the relationship with her, but more about feeling liberated and getting a chance to live in peace, if not now, then in a few short months or years.  By the same token, I think I mentioned here or on another thread, the benefits of facilitating for your daughter some opportunities to enrich her life outside of her mom's home/orbit:  summer camps, summer jobs, extracurriculars, a week living at a cousin's house, an internship, volunteer work, whatever.  These opportunities not only help her develop her sense of self, but also give her a break from the maternal chaos and a chance to experience what more "normal" life looks like.  I know that transportation can be an issue, but when I was a tween/young teen, what I did was carpool and take public transportation.  Maybe find a friend with a driver's license and do something with the friend, and help pay for gas in return.  Or find a friend with a parent who is willing and able to drive around, and pay for gas in return.  That sort of arrangement can work wonders.

Yes, I found that any logical discussion with BPD mother about something she had let to an escalation. There's no way to know what emotional thinking is going on or what her reasons are.

For me, I had to consider everything she owned as off limits. Not for discussion at all.

I think a lot of this was about her feeling in control. We knew to not touch or go into any of her things. When we helped her move to assisted living, I wanted to salvage any sentimental items out of her house that could not go with her in the move. I even felt fearful doing this as before she'd have escalated if we even tried. I found things like family photos that I had never seen before. Even if she wanted to keep then, we would have appreciated seeing them.

The sad aspect of this is that- these are the things that build connections. It's not only about the possession. Gifting or selling the truck to your D- who is clearly not spoiled and responsible- would have been a positive connection. Gifting the inexpensive item to her grandchild could have been a positive interaction for my BPD mother too. But instead for her, these situations somehow felt like threats, someone taking something away from her- and while the possession might change hands, the emotional connection for all would be a gain.

Your ex (and my mother) can either build a relationship with her D or not, and perhaps this is the best she can do.

I realize your D isn't ready to go to college but I was thinking about it before I could go, and looking forward to being there, even though it took some time before I could be completely independent. (like most college students).

Costs were a concern but a state college was an affordable option, and had dorms.

When the time comes, you can sit down with your D and look at her options. I think many kids look for their "dream school"- some which are generous with financial aid, but a less costly state school also has dorms. It doesn't need to be very far away but far enough for your D to have some autonomy and independence.

Knowing college was the plan helped, because I knew there would be that situation in the plans. It also provided a "normal" situation, one that would not have upset BPD mother.

I understand, and it was similar for me, and also, my parents stayed together. Information on BPD wasn't available at the time, and none if us could know what was going on with BPD mother or how to better manage it. I think my father wanted to avoid anything that would cause her to escalate her behavior.

Saying or doing anything that might expose BPD mother's behavior was considered to be a major transgression, and would result in the kind of behavior your D wants to avoid.

As a teen, I would have chosen to live with my father if it had been an option but I also didn't understand the full picture as well as your D does- and like her, I didn't want to completely cut contact with my mother.

For me, my best option was college away from home. It may also be that way for your D as well. It also helped to spend time away from home- with other family members, summer camp, school activities and for your D, she has time with you at your place.

The driving is a concern. My BPD mother didn't like to drive. She would not have minded another option. I wonder if you and your D can sit down and come up with ideas for safe rides- can she ride to activities with a friend? I recall when my kids were that age, I didn't mind if other kids got a ride with my kids.

You're right- my ex likes the truck, but she never drives the truck and won't ever drive it.  The kids need the truck.  That's the part that makes me so upset and I think where my emotions come into this equation.

I'm going to let it go unless it somehow comes up in direct conversation with my ex.  Thanks to everyone for listening to me vent here though- we did all know the logical answer here but it's sometimes it's just not a logical situation.  =)

edit: my daughter is at a new school now, so the counselor may be different, but it's a private school and her mom is paying the tuition (well... the child support I pay covers it), and so what are they going to do?  they must know that if they pursue the issue, they lose a paying student.

I think she knows that if we go the lawsuit route, or she speaks up, despite the fact that adults might be sympathetic to her situation, inevitably she'll be back at her mom's house at some point after the hearings are over, and once she's there, she's at the "mercy"  of the adults there (her mom and her step-dad), who are going to do every manipulative thing known to man to get her to keep her mouth shut and maintain the status quo... screaming at her, crying, blaming her for their own issues, good cop/bad cop, etc. and it's unfortunate because I'm now in the position of being the one who knows but can't protect her from this. 

I think she's starting to see the issue that she doesn't want to live at her mom's house anymore, but - quite naturally given her age - does not want to cut her mom out of her life.  However, because of how her mom acts, on some level she knows there's no "happy medium" here, and when she does see her mom, it would have to be at her mom's house, where she'd be stuck and subject to the rages, hysterical crying, manipulative fights, etc. etc. 

So my ex moved to a really conservative area, and when she had CPS called on her home (because of loud screaming fights between her, her then-BF, and her mom) and I reported it to the school, the counselor did nothing - not even reach out to my daughter to find out what was going on, and wouldn't return my calls when I followed up.  I got the sense they view that sort of thing as a "family matter," and wouldn't get involved. 

I will talk to my daughter about seeing the counselor. 

I need to get her in counseling.  It's been tough finding one that can see them, given my limited custody time during weekday 9-5 hours, but I'll see what I can do. 

When I spoke with my lawyer about the potential success of a custody flip, she said I don't have a slam dunk case, even with my D testifying she wants to live with me, which is frustrating, and a few years ago I blew a lot of money on an abortive attempt to flip custody, which didn't work out (I eventually threw in the towel).  My attorney DID say a DUI accident or a legal issue like that might be grounds for an immediate injunction, but here, there was no police report, no arrest, and I am sure it would boil down to a he-said/she-said debate with the adults closing ranks and my daughter having to be the only one to testify her mom was drinking. 

I think I'm going to talk to a PI for now and see whether we can uncover any evidence of the accident to corroborate the story.