Is he in a DBT program that you let him remain living with you? It’s worrisome that you’re relying on your doorman or anyone besides police and a separate residence to keep you safe. That means to me he’s capable of scaring you or at the very worst hurting you.

half hr i been looking at this blank page deciding what subject and then how long staring at that but not for having nothing to say just having to ground myself in preperation for the sadness, confusions, hurtful blame, rumenating questions that have no answers and hope that has no soil.

                                                          This is something I wrote — a poem called Discarded . It says more than I can type out fresh right now, so I’m sharing it here as an image.

She went straight to no contact other than she said she went through my phone i said so she sent me message shots  i told her exactly what and why and she said im a manipulator and i didnt know what to say i told the truth i cant elaborate more than the truth and what lie?
i will tell lies in the sense of when asked do i know how fast i was riding i will say no everytime but to her nahh i didnt and i wasnt about to start and while im stunned by the accusation coz it was fierce and i knew she believed i was talking PLEASE READ so i froze and took every hit and each word stung like salt on the wound of despair and she is was my only person and i have dbt knowledge and radically accepted shes gone i can say it with belief and conviction mentally but every time i need my person it hurts the loss is so tangible and overwhelming as it just compounds and i am a v ery hard to get attached to person,since changing countries at 14 to live with a parent i never met and never been to country or know anyone there i was in work by 15 in construction and nothing stuck with me through life my father and that country taught me not to trust and ahow to store anger but also how to live alone when told you belong.
we met round 25yrs ago and both had partners and all the way our partners changed but a few years ago we were together and both single and had a night of unbridled passion that involved  heavy rain thunder lightning and a rooftop. just paused and had to pull back can still feel my lips turmned down on ends and temple is tight and furrowed as i type but releasing so next few months later i need to change rentals and she has mortgage and i say nahh not moving in with you and meant it and she understood it was to keep and protect what we had until maybe later we can do that safely a month later a traumatic moment left me stuck in flight mode i ended up on certraline and valium and as i would put it back then;" im not firing right" i had to be out in weeks had lived there 10years hadnt found a place just not processing anything everything was overload too hard i wasv stuttering first time in life in my late forties and fkn legs would not stop bouncing when i was sat down and that was affecting anyone in the room visibly which was an overwhelm of itself months of this till psychiatrist diagnosed anxiety mood dysregulation and ptsd takes me off the zoloft puts me on fluvoxamine bit higher mg and a stronger benzo for night and i got better no stutter and legs stop now is hypervigilance but i can and do deal with them issues by solidarity and thats now so back to 2023 and i accept moving in with her on grounds its not permanent soon as get back to work i find another place.
not to take anything away from or disrespect any other relationships i had been in all 3 of them though long tern i was happy like i thought i knew what happy was i remember plenty of times i said im happy but being so close to her and her energy and beauty and way she looked at me i dropped all my defences i let her lead  & committed to wanting her to finally be treated right and never lie to her which is kinda easy when its your person for decades she knows all i am that is hidden she knows mey ex partners she knows about the fighting and the jail and the detention centre kids all of it, never to intentionally let her down never to raise my voice or do anything that even resembles dominance or dv or any violance physical mental or emotional and for months it was like it was meant to be and she was looking after me with the mental impact of the trauma and problems i was having i knew about her of course i had been her person to, well onre of then i spose in her case anyway remember the part i said about dropping all my defenses well i wasnt seeing what was going on around us and i am usually very aware of that and my hypervigilance was honing in on fear of possible threats immediately firing right im honed in on seeing them manifesting in changes around me by being aware of changes in patterns and behaviours and i got good reads on body language and eyes tone of voice  rarely caufght unprepared but since the meds and  not viewing through discerning lens i trusted her so just watched her so if her family members or friends made her relaxed and happy i would be relaxed and accepting. dumb.
missed the jealousy from all of them and missed my own adult kids jealousy Aalso and how they were not happy i had moved citys and after a few questions about me made it clear to them that she wouldnt engage and shut PLEASE READ down they stasrted plotting, i missed it.
anyway thats prelude i loved her, would never have left her or betrayed her and i am a man that can say that and know it and so did she until things i should of seen.
i noticed she would say was this you and i would say nahhh but she wouldnt ask who else and i aint giving them up depite knowing full well coz i can tell they in serious PLEASE READ  some of them things and sometimes she tear into me and the guilty right there letting me saying nothing and when i feel im getting thin i know if i turn on them she be upset i cant get angry with her i cant so ive had enough its going no where i walk away.

assessed safest move is leave quietly.

more of that

i knew about splitting i had never experienced it i did not realise i was feeding that part of her defence mecghanisms and one day i realised she was getting upset for something she had wrong and when saying because this full on gaslit me and confused the hell out of me coz i can see how real her distiorted version is to her and i cant shut it down like i would any other person alive and the stuttering kicks off and she starts mimicking me and i can hear myself stuttering and feel the emotion behind it just wanting to calm her down i know to give her space not do anything for her feel threatened and the way she done it bang i triggered and i was so hurt and embarressed and ashamed of myself all of it i am not proud of punching myself in the mouth and face in rage and for the critics no it was not a cry for attention i bled and swelled before her sorrys became un muffled and all i remember through the fuzziness is the tears in her eyes and the knowledge i had scared her and failed myself and if you were a fly on the wall you just saw my entire body fold inward and lose composure i know from exoperiance its stored memory as i now return from mindfulness exersizes.

sorry for any negativity or distress that may have caused anyone i just want to be clear i am not claiming poor me.
i am not perfect, i am flawed i am sorry i let her down. i am menta;lly accepting but not mending.
i know she is better off without me. i want her to be happy, i still love her i always have loved her i can love a woman and never experiance her flesh. i want to be able to cherish the time we had together and the memory of her smiling at me and not have to feel the pain of questions that could be answered but im told wont be and questions i know are emotional traps that any answer is going to feed the depressive thoughts that give them space in the first place.

dumb ones like eg does she ever miss me. tell me how a yes is any less painful than a no?

i could handle her with another wing around her  if it meant having my person back i would be protective but not jealous i watched her with other paertbners long time and im going to stop becayse im breaking wand this is where she is missed the most not in bed and i am so sorry to you if i have stirred any memories of monsters in your own past or present please know i do not support or condone violance and i am suffering while shes jumping out of planes and living the life she deserves thankfully.i only know through hearing things and i wish i didnt hear her mentioned as it hurts too much, i cant even go into photo gallery because i see us and dont have capacity to remove them or strength to embrace them.

umm please ask me anything it will be more helpful and easieer than what im doing now and i hope i have not made bpd sound like im being blameful or spiteful as im not i dont talk much and when i do it aint about feelings i guard to protect myself from the judgement and labels of the world that doesnt feel whats felt anymore.

i will be honest if asked something that doesnt expose me anymore than that above.

hope your well enough

...

My question is this. How much can I do to prevent this? Preferably I'd like to convince (or force) my wife not to even try, but at the very least I'd like to minimize the harm she can cause.

Any good advice, any good materials to go look at?

Back during my two year divorce - it was that long due to the custody struggle - our Custody Evaluator's initial report included in the summary mention of object constancy.  I was like, what is that?  It is something we relatively normal people consider obvious, that when we're separated from a close person we would miss them.  Often when BPD traits are the topic, those afflicted can behave as though "out of sight, out of mind".  That can explain why they can be so quick to jump relationships, to move on to another lover.  And in some cases if we're not alert to what's happening - and if we're not permanently painted black - they can boomerang right back to us as though it was no big deal.

One illustration I recall is the explanation one pwBPD gave is that she kept a used shirt near her pillow so she could remember him.  So if she didn't have that reminder then she didn't remember him?  Apparently it was that extreme.

You can also choose to not respond and remain NC. It doesn't stop the narrative on SIL's part. My choice for LC was due to several issues, one of them was that I wanted to remain in contact with my father. They were a pair. NC with her would mean NC with him. I couldn't control my BPD mother's behavior.

About power- personally, I think going NC or reacting emotionally gives her the power. Her power over you is if she can get you to react- either way- by reacting to her behavior with anger or by disappearing. One way to not give her power is by not allowing her to get any reaction from you, by showing up calm and collected. There were times I did get angry at my mother and say something mean back. It seemed she got some satisfaction about that- that she was able to get a reaction from me. I also felt badly about it, because when I do this I am not acting within my own standards. I felt she got her way at the expense of my own ethics. There were times she decided to cut me off but I didn't need to do what she did.