So I have decided to leave my marriage.  A month ago I posted about my husband (undiagnosed NPD (Covert) putting his hands on me when I got angry with him about our daughter being emotionally abusive towards me and my eldest with BPD cutting me out of her life.  I went to him in deep despair looking for support and instead he started to gaslight me and made me feel like I am responsible for making the relationships better with the girls - so my feelings didn't matter. 

I have been trying to figure out my exit plan.  I have an adult daughter living with us who has a mild intellectual disability and I have to protect her.  She is not good with change and has her routines.  She is cabaple and old enough to decide who she wants to live with but he is no good for her.  He disrespects her boundaries and often frustrates her but she is very anxious and dependent on us.  She has never held a job and I am the only one that tries to encourage her to be more independent and learn skills but he doesn't initiate anything to help her grow and learn.  He just sits and watches television all day long so he becomes the go to when she doesn't want to do things that require her to take risks.

 I have been getting all my ducks in a row and I am waiting for an appointment with a lawyer which is being arranged for me by the Domestic Violence people.  I have an inheritance that I have protected from my husband but he still thinks we are going through with the original plans of earning interst income and putting it in our joint account.  I keep putting it off and telling him I can't decide how to invest it and need time to figure it out.  In the meantime I am looking for rental properties that can accommodate my daughter and I.  I am just struggling with my codependency issues and the narcissitic abuse effects I have been living with for over 30 years.  I find myself worrying about how he will react and how hurt he will be.  He is very controlling and possessive around money.  I told him we should move my TFSA into a better fund and he said "our TFSA" so I know I am in for a battle. 

I read a book on covert narcissism and it opened my eyes.  I always knew our relationship was unfulfilling but because of my past trauma (father was a controlling narcissist) I didn't see it.  Now I do with great clarity.  The manipulation tactics are now so obvious.  When I told him I needed to set boundaries in order to feel safe in the house he seemed at first to comply.  Now I notice he is acting like nothing ever happened.  I bought a lock for my bedroom door (we don't sleep in the same room) and he said he was so hurt that I was sneaking around and locking my door.  He dismissed the bruise he gave me and focused on the intent and not the impact of what he had done.  He actually said I refuse to believe I am an abuser.  I kept telling him it was not the first time.  He shook me in front of the kids when they were little and they were traumatized.  I stayed in the marriage for my children and because I had no income and felt so powerless.  Now my body is telling me no more.  Enough!!!
My therapist is helping with emdr to heal the trauma with my father so I can separate the past from the present and not project it onto my situation with my husband.  I can tell that my brain is so used to not putting myself first because I should be less worried about how this will hurt him and accept that him hurting me is the reason why I am leaving. 

He said something to me a week or so before he physically hurt me that also made me realize that he never had the capacity for empathy from the get go.  What I thought was maybe me being too much or him just being a guy was really his inability to empathize.  He said to me that his recent medical crisis put him in a position where he didn't feel like he was in control and that he had never experienced such extreme emotions because he likes staying in the "middle", no highs, no lows. He said every time you shared your feelings with me I never really understood them or related to them. It confirms everything I felt about our relationship.  I would always say to him we never feel like an us, it always feels like a me versus you.  Now I understand. 

I don't know how to tell him I want to separate.  He has already been triangulating with my two oldest daughters so I know he is going to make them believe something is wrong with me.  I have evidence of the bruise and texts admitting he was sorry.  How and when do I tell my daughter with MID?  She will be afraid and confused and I can't leave this house without her.  I am also afraid he is going to try delaying dealing with things and I will have to use my inheritance to buy my freedom.  In other words he is going to make me pay.  A part of me wants to negotiate with him but based on how he has dealt with this recent situation with his DARVO tactics I think he is only going to delay.  Actually I know he will because that's his MO. It's on his time not anybody elses.  He always used to say things like, I don't like your tone or delivery.  He doesn't like people telling him what to do.  I am so exhausted but I have to be strong and prepare as much as I can before I say anything to him. 

Any advice would be so appreciated.  I want to get on with my life and help my daughter improve hers.  We both deserve better.

Thanks in advance

Hi there,

Well there's a lot going on here.  I'm sorry about the miscarriages--that must be incredibly heartbreaking.  It makes sense that you and your wife wouldn't be happy about that.  But here's what I see:  your wife might be reacting to that disappointment in potentially misguided ways.  The recent traumatic experiences could put her in fight-or-flight mode.  It seems to me your wife is in flight mode, wanting a divorce from you, and simultaneously cutting ties with her mom.  It could be possible that your wife has reflected deeply and determined that this is an inflection point--she wants to exit her current life, to get a fresh start.  But to talk about severing two important relationships all of the sudden seems extreme to me, especially when just a short time ago she was trying to have a baby with you.

I can't help but wonder if you read your MIL's text, or if you are solely relying on what your wife told you.  I wonder because pwBPD tend to perceive ill will when none is intended, especially when under stress.  In addition, when pwBPD talk about feeling abused and aggrieved, their emotions might be genuine, but the fact patterns don't always align.  You might have experienced this yourself, if and when your wife has misread your intentions or accused you of hurting her, when you never meant to.  Her emotional reactivity tends to be super-sized, right?

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd try to be empathetic for the pain around the miscarriages and would try to be a calming influence, as well as buy a little time.  If your wife were serious about divorce, then she could move out and/or hire a lawyer.  My guess is she will do neither.  In the meantime, you can reassure her.

My mother with BPD would once in a while tell me how she wanted to divorce my father. She always seemed and looked very dysregulated emotionally when she would tell me this. I doubt she ever told my father she wanted a divorce. My aunt once said that my father was happily married to my mother (which I believe was true) and my mother was unhappy in her marriage to my father. My father did everything he could to please my mother, and there was nothing he could really do, as she was just one unhappy woman with untreated mental illness.

One thing that stood out to me in your update is how easy it can be to grab onto a hopeful moment after a hard one. After enough years of Jekyll/Hyde, even a calmer breakfast can feel huge.

It may help to watch patterns more than moments. A softer exchange is welcome, but the bigger question is whether there is real follow-through, consistency, and willingness to work inside some structure.

Your daughter also sounds pretty clear about what she needs right now: steadiness, routine, and a calmer base.

You don’t sound punitive to me. You sound tired, grieving, and like someone who has spent a long time trying to hold too much together.

Hi DustyCabbage,

That sounds like a really heavy few days… especially with everything you’ve both been carrying around the miscarriages and now this situation with her mom. It makes sense that things would feel intense right now.

One thing that stood out to me is how quickly things seemed to shift after that message. When someone is that overwhelmed, the feelings can spill over and often get directed toward the person closest to them. It can come out as “I don’t feel the same” or “I want out,” even if that’s not the full picture long-term.

With possible BPD traits in the mix, it can help to remember that feelings can feel like facts in those moments. The people closest often end up taking the full impact of that shift, not because they caused it, but because they’re right there.

You mentioned this has happened before after really painful moments, which might be something to gently keep in mind here. Not to dismiss what she’s saying, but to help you stay grounded while things are heightened.

In moments like this, it can help to focus less on convincing her or fixing it right away, and more on how you show up… staying calm, not getting pulled into defending every point, and giving things a bit of space to settle.

How have you been responding when she brings this up?

Mutt

The dear groom hasn't been mentioned yet.  I'm assuming you've met him and have a sense of how much balance he can generate in the marriage.  Maybe he has even suggested you be included, remarking to your sister that he was expecting that.  While we don't want to overthink this, he might be a positive influence on your sister's actions and reactions.

I'll mention my experience, though it was a bit opposite to what you've described.  My son is grown now but I recall when he was just a baby and my spouse (now ex) had drawn away from me.  I didn't know about personality disorders and had no idea what was causing the discord in our relationship.  At the time I suspected some level of postpartum reaction.  Then it suddenly stopped when she stopped nursing.  All of a sudden life with our new threesome was normal.  Well, until she got triggered a couple months later by one of her friends and things went downhill again.

Could something have changed in your daughter's life to trigger your daughter?  The trigger could be almost anything.  Did she stop nursing?  Is she under more stress with the baby teething?  Did she get pregnant again?  Did something happen with her relationship partner?  It could be something mostly or entirely unrelated to you.

There's another consideration for the "yes" category and it's that this is a major milestone. We tend to remember major events. I don't recall every time there was an issue with BPD mother, but I do recall an issue at my graduation- because graduation is a big milestone.

There will also be a photographer and so whatever you decide becomes a permanent memory.

So while you could turn down an invitation from your sister to an ordinary event- turning this down may become a permanent record.

Saying "yes" also doesn't mean that you and your sister are going to be besties for the long run. It could mean deciding to deal with the situation until the wedding is over.

You know that when your sister is involved, there's likely drama. The decision is whether or not to just deal with it for the reason of the wedding, family pictures etc.  The important part is- whatever you choose, it's because you choose it. "I choose to deal with potential wedding drama for the duration of the wedding planning" or "I choose to avoid it".

In general, I tend to look at what is a short term solution that could possibly have long term consequences and weigh that into a decision. This doesn't mean being a doormat, doing everyone's bidding. It means making a choice and owning that choice.

I assume she didn't ask you to be maid of honor as that comes with other obligations. As a bridesmaid, you'd be obligated to get the dress, be present for rehearsals and rehearsal dinner and ceremony/reception. The day of the ceremony is where the professional photos are taken.  Bride shopping, batchlorette party, shower, and listening to your sister vent- these are optional. All bridesmaids don't need to be there at the wedding dress shopping or fitting. Usually the bride goes with mothers, MIL, sisters, SIL's, best friends but it isn't obligatory for you to be there.

Still this is your choice. This is just another aspect to consider when making it.

This is a tough decision. In most families, it's assumed a sister will be a bridesmaid. Those on the outside, with little to no knowledge of the family dynamics of a BPD sister, would expect to see that sister as a bridesmaid. But...you know hat to expect.

Your sister will be under a lot of stress. How has she reacted to big events in the past? Has she taken the stress out on you? It's not just the wedding -- it's the dress shopping and alterations, planning for venue and food, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, etc.

What do you want to do?

Hi there,

I can see why you're reluctant.  In my opinion, the invitation from your sister seems manipulative . . . she mentions being excluded from your bridal party, which sounds like a guilt trip to me.  Thus her statement about turning a new leaf rings hollow to me; it feels like posturing.  I think if she genuinely wanted you to be in the bridal party, that's what she would have said, "I'd love for you to be in my bridal party, Sis."  Does that interpretation seem right to you?

This is a tough one, but based on what you've written, I can see why you'd be reluctant.  I feel that your sister has unresolved past grievances about feeling excluded, abandoned and/or upstaged by you at your wedding ("Even though I wasn't in your bridal party . . . "), and she's trying to guilt you into something.  In other words, even though her life is going great, she's still stuck in the past and finding things to be upset about with you.  My guess is that your parents will want you to bend over backwards to do everyting your sister wants, to keep the peace--probably because that's been your role historically.

I think in your shoes I might try to find a middle ground, something like, "Sis, I'm really happy for you and the upcoming nuptials.  I'm honored you asked me to be a bridesmaid, but it's not a role I'm great at playing, and I wouldn't want to disappoint you.  Perhaps I could have another role, such as a reading?"  Now, it's possible that she might throw a fit at this response.  If she does, then you've got your answer:  she didn't want you as a bridesmaid, she wanted to manipulate you.  But if she accepts the response, then maybe she really is in a good place right now, and you could choose a wonderful reading for her wedding.  Meanwhile, you might actually enjoy the wedding because you've avoided much of the potential drama leading up to it.  How does that sound?