Hello and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry you're going through this and you're not alone, we've all been through it as well. In my case, it was my ex-wife and my daughter with BPD, but I also had a very angry mom that probably should have been disgnosed as well. BPD is so much more common than people realize and it can be devestating.
One thing to keep in mind- this is not about you. It never was. Your mom is hurting internally and she needs an outlet to direct that suffering. So it's your fault, your dad's fault, the dog's fault, the neighbor's fault. Your mom does that because as long as it's something external causing her pain, then it's not her fault. That's the crux of the mental illness.
So let me say this again- it's not your fault. This isn't a "you thing". It's extreme venting for someone who's psychologically ill.
However, you do have a part to play in this as well.
When your mom is lashing out (or unstable, disordered, whatever word we want to use here), you have a clear choice to make. Do you fight back? Do you defend yourself? Or do you realize what's actually happening and respond appropriately?
For instance, I remember my mom would absolutely lose it if I was talking to my dad about her and I said the word "she" (Like, "I was cleaning my room and she just started screaming at me"). She'd rant for hours sometimes, "I'm not a she, I'm his mother and how dare he insult me like that...."
And of course, I'd defend myself by explaining how English works. It's not an insult or an attack, I was just referring to her in the 3rd person because she wasn't a part of the conversation and I didn't know she was listening. I don't understand why she's being so over the top about this.
But to a disordered mind, they're lashing out for things that can't be seen. My mom was thinking, "I'm in so much emotional pain and I need to vent my frustrations." So the thought of my disagreeing with her when it's so obvious that she's not okay, it sent her into a tailspin of dark thoughts and emotions.
Again, we're talking about the word "she" here.
You could say I was right, my mom was being dumb, and I had every right to defend myself. You're right. But it was also the worst possible thing I could have done because my mom was disordered and my response made it 10x worse. If I would have just apologized and let it go, the day wouldn't have been ruined. I should have just said "sorry", made a mental note, and walked away. Problem solved for everyone.
Of course, the big problem would never be solved by words. We can't fix anyone. But we can learn that when someone is in a disordered state, the one thing they need in that moment is to calm down and re-center. That's it, regardless of what they might say or do. Sometimes we can genuinely help and sometimes we have to walk away to keep things from getting worse. There are also times we should keep our distance to break the cycle of abuse. That's all part of the process learning to deal with a BPD loved one.
I'll say that in time, it does get easier. Never easy, of course, but we learn how to weather the storms and communicate in a different way. I'll repeat the two big takeaways- this is not your fault and your mom is abusive because she's hurting so deeply inside. That deserves compassion when you can give it and distance when you can't.
I hope that helps!



You've come to a place where we all have someone like your mom in our life, so we "get it".