Thank you as ever for your wise and kind insights NotWendy and CC43!

NotWendy, as ever, you are 100% right regarding the FOO dynamics. It's funny and humbling because as much as many of us have a desire to feel special and unique (and maybe are susceptible to BPD flattery on that basis), we are all very similar and predictable in the same human patterns.


Thank you for the reassurance CC43. There are so many signs in hindsight the uBPDx was not so wonderful after all, but of course, I am interpreting them in hindsight. It wasn't completely irrational of me to see a person who was seemingly troubled, but also had good qualities and supposedly wanted to do better - and think that I could help them, or that we could help each other.

I've been thinking a bit about... the word 'boundaries' doesn't quite cover it for me, more something like accountability - commitments and agreements and their violation.

One thing I've noticed is that from quite early on in the relationship, uBPDx made promises that were not kept. For example, there was a time I was very stressed and overwhelmed and busy. I was coming to visit him in his city, but said I might need to cancel. uBPDx became very upset about this, but also promised to provide me with some support by doing a few tasks to help me out.

When I arrived, it transpired that he had not done those tasks, and also put off telling me until I brought it up. I remember that I became quite overwhelmed and covered my head with a blanket (we were sitting in bed). uBPDx described this as me being 'horrible' to him, and later had a full, unstable meltdown when I expressed, in quite a reasonable manner, that I was angry and upset he hadn't helped me as he'd promised, even though I acknowledged he also had tried to show warmth and hospitality for me in other ways.

Somehow this ended up with me sort of apologising and smoothing things over to uBPDx and feeling guilty that I didn't properly appreciate the things he did for me.

It strikes me in hindsight that this was setting the stage for a relationship where, while uBPDx was ostensibly very committed and adoring and putting in lots of effort, the effort would be based in his feelings and capabilities from moment to moment. It wouldn't necessarily coincide with what was actually agreed on. It was not accountable. 

I think for future relationships, this will be something I am much more careful about. If I ask for X, and you promise X, and X is not fulfilled - I don't want to allow this to be papered over by a partner saying, 'but actually, I did Y!' 'Fidelity' often has a sexual connotation, but it also means sticking to one's word - being accountable to one's word - in future, this must not be something I let slide.

I have signed up for a first free appointment with a counsellor, so we'll see.

Hi, friends!  I wonder if anyone has experience with a "different" kind of BPD....my daughter has BPD and it appears "split" (cut of contact with most of her family); go figure, my granddaughter's mother, says she has BPD (she is not related to me, her mother seems unsure of this, but...I will go with that!) for 10 years, she has gone from sugar sweet to EVIL in minutes, than she will apologize....it is wearing thin!  I try to utilize the same "don't argue, don't be defensive" tactics as I do with my daughter, that seems to "pacify"; the kids are getting older and it makes me so sad that they witness this (last night, I was taking the older one to the a softball game and was 5 minutes late and the gates of hell opened up...any tips?

I think your feelings are valid, and you have every right to feel angry. They are understandable.

At one point, my mother's doctor took her off her pills. She had to be hospitalized to manage any withdrawal. I was hopeful for this. They did get her off them, and arranged for follow up. During her visit, she would panic, and they'd send her to emergency to be checked. She signed herself out in 2 days, before finishing. They arranged for follow up visits as an outpatient. She didn't return.

My mother had been on these medicines for decades. I don't think I ever saw her off them completely. This time, I did. She was a complete wreck, unable to manage at all.

While there is no medicine for BPD specifically, these medicines helped her to cope with the associated emotional consequences of BPD. While I know that therapy is the ideal approach, BPD is on a spectrum- and if the person is so wrecked emotionally from the associated emotional symptoms, if they can not function at all- then they don't have enough function to work with therapy.

I agree- these medicines are not good to use long term, they have consequences but the alternative was a person so miserable and incapacitated, it also could be inhumane to withold from her something that could bring her a bit of relief.

I understand your anger at your mother's doctors. I also wish my mother could have managed without the medicines. But seeing her completely off them, I also saw the extent of how much she was affected by her BPD. In her elder years, I was able to have more conversations with her doctors over this situation, and see the complexity. It's not about choosing the one good or ideal choice. It's about deciding which is worse- the medicine and possible side effects or for her to be completely emotionally incapacitated, even more than she would be from her BPD.

It wasn't just one doctor- nurses and caregivers also saw both sides of this situation. Also, my BPD mother had the main say in this too. She remained in control of her own medical care.

I felt very much like you do about the medicines. I wanted her off them, and it would have been ideal to have her off them. But none of the other options worked for her or helped her.

My BPD mother did go to assisted living in time. Whether or not your mother needs it because of the drugs, or her aging, it's not possible to know what the actual reason is. That too was not a perfect solution but in assisted living, her medicine was monitored better and she had medical staff and people to assist when needed.

As someone who has experienced being put at a distance from this kind of thing, it isn't just with one person- it is continuous. It's also hurtful to the person who assumed their friendship with you was genuine. It's also not only with a female who they can imagine a possible romantic interest in. I'm not even sure they believe it all the time, I think it just sounds plausible enough to make you buy into it.

My BPD mother did this dynamic with my father with female relatives- even mothers, sisters, and daughter- but she had enough sense to not make such a wild accusation with close family members. It was with other people, Dad's colleagues as well but the experience with us is the one we know and a hurtful one.

But the focus isn't just on your partner, or my mother. She may have been the one to initiate the putting the person at a distance- but if you do it, if my father did it- he collaborated.

If you and your cousin collaborate to make your partner think you have said this to your cousin- then the two of you are in a way, teaming up against your romantic partner ,you are not being honest with her. If you don't warn your cousin and cut her off out of the blue, she's going to be very hurt. Either way, you are going to harm the relationship with someone who has not done anything to deserve this.

IMHO, this can and does hurt families.There have been fractures in relationships and hurt feelings among my extended family due to this dynamic.

Still, it is a choice. The spousal relationship is priority but I don't think this commitment was meant as an obligation to do unfounded hurtful things to others if the spouse demands it.

Thanks so much.

Your words resonate incredibly because you described so accurately how the situation developed along the last 3 three years: first "small" things like not talking to me because I liked a friend´s profile pic on FB (I ended up signing off from FB and Instagram), then escalating to not liking me going to school events and imagining (and accussing me!!) that when at school I am just flirting with every woman or mother I cross, so I ended up not mentioning anything about school, no matter what. Of course my previous partners were blocked and then some friendships too, even two male friends. I betrayed myself doing that I felt and feel ashamed that I did it as a stupid absurd way of proving loyalty to her. Big mistake.

This is the first time I have said NO to her demands because family is a red line and I know this is a snowball that never ends, but for her it is total disrespect and a public humiliation that I put my "fake cousin" first.

Thanks again, it helps reading your comments as objective spectators of the situation. From the inside it is all so absurd and painful.

Hi NotWendy

Things have been fun on the tablet front, the doctors were all set to wean my mum off and tablets, she got prescribed a lower dose of tablets Monday, begged and pleaded with the doctors all morning, went in the surgery and broke down so yesterday another doctor has overruled taking her off them. They've warned her it will shorten her life to stay on them. I feel annoyed because what are they going to do to monitor that she's not stupid with them given her suicidal tendencies and the wine guzzling! I'm not annoyed that we can't ask questions and don't know what to expect in terms of the tablets making her deteriorate further, what should we expect to actually happen in terms of her life being shortened! She lives alone, her risk of falling id only going to get worse, I mean she falls already so how long before she's lying on the floor somewhere with a broken hip!
I'm so annoyed at the ignorance towards us from her doctors. They need to manage her now and I'm wondering does she need to go into assisted living if the doctors are going to keep giving her Lorazepams and diazepams!! It's just nuts! I hope they are monitoring her for signs of the Alzheimer's that the tablets can cause because I'm not sure there aren't already some signs, her memory is shocking for finding words she's looking for and repeating herself.

Hi again,

The situation you describe is a fairly common one on these boards, because pwBPD often try to coerce their partners into cutting off contact with important people.  The coersion might be based on false, imagined accusations of infidelity, and it might be a way to "test" your devotion and commitment, especially when she's feeling insecure.  The demands might start out small, such as forbidding you to go to parties, or maybe asking you to block certain people on social media.  Then her demands might escalate, when she throws a tantrum if you dare to have a normal conversation with a female, such as a co-worker, neighbor or service personnel.  Finally, the pwBPD can attmpt to cut you off from supposedly "toxic" family members.

In my opinion, isolating you from your own family is a red line.   Demanding that you call your family and say you'll never talk to them again for no logical reason is not only ridiculous, but abusive.  If I were in your shoes, I'd not accept that, no matter what the pwBPD did.  She's being cruel, abusive and manipulative.  If you tolerate that, it will only get worse in my opinion.

If you're curious, you could read more about BPD.  I think that even if you never date another BPDer, you'll still encounter them, or high-conflict people as they're sometimes called, in other parts of life.  and learning to deal with them is helpful. 

While not every story here is the same, a lot of people experience what you described above, which is sometimes called the "honeymoon period" or "lovebombing."  The non-BPD partner experiences such positive emotions and feels such a genuine connection that they start to let their guard down.  And then when the pwBPD essentially pulls the rug out from them, in an outburst of anger, sudden & unexplained silent treatment, or something like that, they feel surprised and confused, and their first thought is to try to do whatever they can to make them feel better and get back to that happy feeling.  It can be so jarring that the non-BPD partner is overwhelmed by it, only afterward thinking "Wait a minute, where the hell did that come from?!" at the absurdity of it.  It's basically being conditioned by abuse - emotional, verbal, sometimes even physical - to feel a need to "chase" the pwBPD and fulfill  their demands.

There's a lot to unpack when it comes to BPD, and this is just a part of the experience. 

Thanks again.

Yes, I would prevent my cousin first. I know she would understand and "help", but I am again betraying myself and as you say, I am not confident my ex would take any therapy in a serious way because she thinks she is totally right and is not willing to listen any of my concerns about her reactions and behaviour.

Before she left almost running me over with her car I asked her: "who will be the next person that I will have to block?" It seems this would be neverending. My parents and my brother already know what is going on and they could not believe what they heard about my cousin across the ocean in Miami. If my cousin knew she would flip out.

This is such a tough conversation because it's not only about you, but the kids too.

You told him that you wouldn't discuss this anymore, which is a hard boundary.  That's a good thing, but we also know that a new boundary is going to be challenged.  Keep doing what you're doing, reassure him that you're remaining faithful, but refuse to go into more detail.

Have you tried spinning it back around on him.  Like asking, "Why do you think I'm cheating on you?  When would I even have the time for that?"  Make him be accountable instead of just defending or retreating.  Conversations like this can be productive, while arguments cannot.  If he's in an even mood and wants to talk about it, then talk about it in a reassuring way.  Let him know that you're committed to him and taking care of the kids.


This is so incredibly hard and it can't continue.  I would consider contacting the DV office and reporting it if he won't back off the kids immediately.  This is dangerous behavior and like you said, the kids can't fight back.  So this definitely needs a stronger boundary for their protection.  If he can't back off this type of talk, he doesn't need to be around the kids at all until he's more balanced and stable.