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Hi again,
My sister escaped with her young children from an abusive relationship with an uNPD that ended with domestic violence, which two of three young children witnessed. There were all sorts of signs and building tensions that preceded the altercation, but even so, my sister was was surprised by the extent of the drunken violence. After getting the kids out of the house and settling her nerves (trying to remain calm for the sake of her children), she called the cops, who proceeded to remove her husband and countless leathal weapons from the household. Shortly therafter she got a temporary restraining order, which fortunately was further extended. I guess it's no surprise that in court, her ex alleged that SHE was the one who attacked HIM (which is totally delusional, and she had the bruise marks to prove it). She was so frightened that he'd violate the restraining order that she fled the marital home just a couple days later. She and her kids stayed with me for a night. One of her kids thought she was having an adventurous vacation and exclaimed, "This is the best night of my life," and I almost cried. Then they flew across the country to stay with my parents. Once the kids were safe, my sister returned to her house, hired movers, took her stuff and put it in storage, leaving her husband's things behind. Somehow, the movers understood this was a crisis situation and got the move scheduled right away, a day or two after she called. Since her ex was subject to a restraining order, he didn't find out that she had abandoned the home until a few weeks later.
My sister probably didn't plan the "ideal" escape because she moved the kids out of state, and technically she didn't have the courts' or her husband's permission to do this. But she felt her husband was too hostile and threatening, and that he might physically harm the kids, especially because he had kept all sorts of weapons around the house (semi-automatic weapons, pistols, a cross-bow, knives and hundreds of rounds). As a person with undiagnosed NPD, he can be extremely conniving, manipulative and vindictive. Since the altercation happened right before the time that Covid broke out, the courts shut down, and CPS grinded to a halt. She basically got a couple "freebie" years with very limited interaction with the abusive husband/dad. It was little surprise to me that he barely tried to telephone his own kids during those months. It was also no surprise to me that he got let go from his job right after the altercation. He was so dysfunctional (especially without my sister catering to his every need as she did when they were married) that he has remained unemployed ever since.
Anyway, there are some things you can do to prepare for a potential escape/separation, should the situation come to that. I hope things don't get that bad for you, I really don't. But by the same token, I think my sister knew in her gut that her marriage was falling apart, and that her husband suffered from severe, untreated mental illness. I didn't see it at first, because I didn't live it. She would share stories of behaviors that seemed really out there, almost incredible--I thought she was exaggerating, and suffering from the stress of young motherhood with triplets. At the same time, I was dealing with emerging BPD in my own family, and I didn't really understand that at the time, either. But now I think I understand what's going on, and the delusional behavioral patterns seem much clearer to me now. I think there are so many similarities with BPD and NPD, it's almost scary, even though from the outside, the individuals in question seem very different!
I don't have all the answers, but there are centers for domestic violence that could point you in the right direction and perhaps provide good tips and resources. It's probably very helpful if you have family nearby, as they could keep some of your things safe, and maybe provide lodging, plus logistical and moral support. You might consider getting a cheap burner phone, a post office box, a safe deposit box and back-up computer if you think your wife is surveilling you, or worse, destroying your belongings and documentation. And of course, get your finances under control. Getting finances under control will make you feel more secure and calm. I tend to think that money isn't just about buying things, but buying options and security. Once you have more options and security, I bet things will start to feel a little easier for you.
Anyway, my sister has been involved in her divorce battle for six years, and fortunately, the courts sided with her. The NPD self-destructive behaviors ran their course, and thankfully, the professionals (CPS and judge) saw through his facade. I think I have a few takeaways for you. The first is, document, document document! Recording conversations is a good start. Try to get things in writing if you can, via texts or emails. Second, the courts emphasize the welfare of the children. Documentation of abusive/dangerous/violent behavior towards children carried the most weight, and that includes emotional abuse and parentification. Third, CPS is expensive and slow, and it's important to get an experienced person assigned to your case should you go that route. An inexperienced person might not have the ability to recognize the harmful BPD/NPF/addictive behaviors. Fourth, as you probably know, pwNPD and pwBPD are notorious for not cooperating. You might get a highly detailed a parenting plan, and there might be a detailed division of marital assets, but a key issue is non-compliance/non-cooperation on the part of pwBPD/NPD. Enforcement of plans is costly in terms of legal fees, as well as the time it takes for a judge to make a ruling, let alone force compliance. Therefore, you need to plan ahead for non-compliance/non-cooperation issues when it comes to separation and co-parenting. I think courts try to be "too fair," thinking that adults will act like adults. But pwBPD/NPD don't play fair. Here's an example: A "default" parenting/visitation plan might stipulate that parents exchange children at a specified time at a neutral location, halfway between the parents' homes. That works if everyone shows up, on schedule. But in my sister's case, her ex with NPD would be a no-show (with no advance warning) at half of the exchanges, and he'd be terribly late (45 minutes or more) the other times. Driving three young kids to an exchange point, having them sitting, waiting and looking for dad, wondering if he will show up, asking if he's OK and why he doesn't want to see them, feels cruel. Moreover, his lateness means they might miss their activities, their dinner is delayed (they are starving), they are restless/bored waiting in the car, etc. It's really hard on kids when pwBPD/NPD are non-compliant. You might think, well there's traffic, or he's busy. Yes, you're reasonable. But he's NOT. He's unemployed and has a million excuses, but at the end of the day, he thinks he's SPECIAL and EXEMPT from rules, including being on time for his own kids. He doesn't consider one bit how his behavior affects his kids, because the only thing that matters is what he wants. Sound familiar? It's because that's part of mental illness, and the courts just don't see that every day. But you do. So a way to combat this is to have a parenting plan that EXPECTS non-compliance. One way to do this would be to insist that your ex drives to your house to pick up the kids. If she's a no-show, then she loses visitation for the day. In other words, make sure the kids don't suffer the consequences when your ex is non-compliant.
Finally, if you think your kids are suffering (they probably are if you are), you might consider trying therapy. My sister arranged therapy from time to time, for whichever kid seemed to be struggling most. She kept at it until she felt therapy wasn't helping anymore, and then she'd stop. You might be able to investigate affordable therapy options as well. The schools might be able to help you there.
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