Great list!

Some of the red flags we often overlook are:
1) Is there a genuine connection or are we being love bombed to be taken advantage of later?
2) They do not do well in close relationships and abuse the people closest to them while working hard to maintain a positive image to the outside world.
3) Relationships are transactional. So when they need you, they are around. There can be several cycles of discard and then coming back to get their needs met.

Some of the green flags are:
1) They do not need to impress others and will let you know when they disagree with you on issues important to them. I truly believe a person does not become a friend until we can respectfully disagree with each other, try to learn from our differences.

2) They are pretty much the same decent person with everybody. They have integrity and and an integrated personality that does not suddenly change on the spur of the moment due to the circumstances and people they are around.

Thank you for your perspective and yeah that's basically what I have tried doing try to show I am there but at the same time not try to be too much definitely hard to balance but I hope for the best. She started texting again so that is something at least.

dear everyone,

i've been a caregiver for my wife since her first psychotic break in 2015. since then she's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1), histrionic personality disorder, and the latest, bpd, around two years ago.

each psychotic break is usually followed or preceded by revelations of a massive trauma which she had kept a secret to everyone.

she takes her meds, abused them several times including a few near-suicide attempts, but absolutely refuses to go to talk therapy, cbt, or dbt. too confronting, she says.

thing is, she also refuses to talk to me about her past, her traumas, her current problems, in order to find a way to at least manage them. according to my own therapist (i'm the one who goes to therapy every 3 weeks!), i have fallen into the trap of working out her problems for her and finding solutions for her, too, to the point that she doesn't feel like she has to do anything.

"ah, that could be because when you were at uni you were xxx", "i see, it must've been your father's helicopter parenting xxx", and so on.

i'm tired. she moved to a new doctor and a totally new medication regiment in the beginning of this year and had most of her old meds canceled since they were mostly sedatives. since then she has started to do house chores (never did any before) but constantly complained not just about them but about everything.

in the morning she would come out of her room and started complaining about random things. most of the time they are similar problems that i can see have their root causes in her traumas, less than ideal behavioral development, anger, etc. but she seems to be oblivious to these causes. or doesn't care at all. she just wants to whinge.

what to do? i am so tired?

Thanks Pete! Yes, that part really is the key. I think it's also the biggest struggle to accept. If it wasn't to do with you, it wasn't your fault. But if it wasn't to do with you, you also weren't special to the BPD - the wonderful romantic story where they idealised you and planned to share a life, a world, has no substance. A bitter pill to swallow.

That's where point 4 comes in.

'Six years too late. It's never too late' grabbed my attention.

10 years on from my daughter's diagnosis. The people who were there for her then are here today.

My daughter lent a book of Blaise Aguirre that was not returned, Blaise sent a replacement.

I hope your partner is up for DBT, changed my daughter's life around. She's still living.

WDx

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry that you're in this position.  Many here remember this exact situation and it's heartbreaking. 

First, there's no "correct" way to navigate this.  If you pursue, it pushes her away.  If you remain distant, it confirms to her that the relationship is over.  So you need to be in touch but also give her space.  I know those are two opposite things and I'm telling you to do both, to balance them as best as possible.

Next, she "didn't stop loving you."  Instead, she stopped loving herself because of unstable feelings and emotions.  When she examined her life, she thought, "Maybe if the relationship was better, I'd be happier."  But the plain truth is that she's mentally ill and that's the problem.  That's why BPDs end relationships suddenly and jump into new relationships quickly- they're always chasing that next feel-good moment.  Many chase it their entire lives because it never lasts. 

Not because of their partners, but because the problem was within the entire time and they can't see it/admit it.

So what can you do?  Play it cool for now, give her space, but still reach out to check in from time to time.  Don't make any grand gestures like we see in the movies, that backfires with BPD (especially if they're splitting).  Also, don't second-guess this. 

You may eventually have a conversation where she says, "I can't be with you because of this, this, and that."  She may become angry and lash out with blame.  That's 100% the mental illness talking and not a direct reflection on you in any way.

I hope that helps and again, I'm so sorry you're in this position.

On grief-- and whether or not to "try one more time" for a connection.

I was not NC with my BPD mother. However, I had to have boundaries for myself when dealing with her behavior. Although I felt I had tried all I could with the relationship, and it didn't really change things, I realized, with both parents actually- that even though realistically her part of the relationship would not change- even if that was true, and I believe it was- on my part- there still was some hope, even though it was small, and likely wishful thinking on my part. Only once they were gone could that hope be gone too.

I am not the GC but being the closest geographically to where she was, I took the role of first call, and to be the one who kept up with her medical care and well being. I don't live close to where she was- and that was a boundary I maintained for my own emotional well being. Being an adult child who has experienced this dysfunction and behavior since childhood involves walking the line between protecting our own well being and also acting ethically for the well being of the elderly parent. It didn't mean doing every thing she wanted me to do. For her, the relationship demanded 100% obedience and compliance to fulfilling her needs. Inevitably, anyone would not succeed at that. It felt more like walking a tightrope at times, sometimes falling one way or another.

So, I had to shift to the idea of whatever I did- it was based on my own need to "feel I had tried" and my own values. This is individual and also different for each person's circumstances. You have a sister who has taken on the main role and that seems to be working in your family unit. In my family, geography determined that role. I also don't have sibling dysfunction so other aspects of this were shared.

Even with this kind of relationship, there's grief. It's an odd grief, and seems very different from the kind of grief that people who have had a "normal" (for lack of a better word) relationship with their mother experience. But it does exist and so if you feel grief, let yourself feel it. It can exist.

However, condolences from people who haven't experienced this kind of relationship were kind but didn't address it, because of the assumptions, assumptions we've faced from adults since we were children, that of course our mother is normal and this is a normal relationship. I also felt that people in her circle, if they were enmeshed, would judge me based on her version as this wasn't a typical situation, but a few people who knew the whole situation understood. I mention this because, your sister, in the GC role, may need to present herself as the "good child" and you as not- as a part of the disordered dynamics in the family. It's OK to let her take this on if she's holding on to this role.

I think we all wish for some resolution of the relationship for the better, but that may or may not happen. I think for your sake, consider what you need to do to feel you did what you felt was the best ( there's no right or wrong here) for you. If you feel you have done that- then you have. If you feel you need to try one more time, even if that doesn't change anything on your mother's part, then do that. We also aren't perfect. Perfection isn't the goal here. It's to feel we tried.

As to care options for your mother- if you are in the US, there's a learning curve with that as Medicare doesn't cover a lot of options. Elder care can be costly. Medicaid can assist if the person financially qualifies. If you are in the US, most areas have a Council on Aging that can give unbiased advice on resources. If you sister is in charge of all this, let her manage it but if you are going to be involved best to consult an elder law attorney about the laws, rules, and regulations on that.

The goal here is to do what you feel you need to do, so you can have some sense of peace with this, even if it's not exact,  maintain your own well being, and your responsibilities to your family for theirs. Self care includes emotions too. I worked with a counselor after my BPD mother passed. However you feel is what you feel. It's OK to have support with that.

It sounds like you're again "Grieving a Loss" with the recurrence of family stresses.  Don't discount the benefit of seeking out local in person counseling to assist you in Accepting that "It is what it is."  There are various stages of Grieving  a Loss. A person can bounce around back and forth but eventually one hopes to settle on Acceptance.


You're not the only one who has pondered authoring one's experiences with a pwBPD spouse or relative.  Matt was a prolific poster sharing his experiences, support and advice, over 14,000 posts over the years.  Years later he was able to look back without the distress at the time both he and his then-spouse were arrested overnight, not that he did anything wrong but it was policy to arrest both persons in a family dispute...

Thanks Pook - this is exactly what I'm contemplating - either leave it as it is or make one last, doomed-to-fail attempt to reconcile with her sliding into dementia - basically checkboxing "I did the right thing".  Thing is, I checked that box twenty years ago, sooo - not much point in checking it again.  I'm sad she never got to know her younger grandson but, given my older son just had an encounter with her saying needlessly hurtful things, (he's in his thirties, his choice) I think that was the right decision.  It sucks though.  Anyway, I'm really just - I dunno - venting isn't quite the right word.  Expressing my ongoing sadness at this.

Ref end-of-life talks with my sister - I can't actually have those.  She's the enmeshed GC and refuses to talk about anything to do with family history or anything uncomfortable at all.  "I don't want to talk about it," followed by a topic shift more violent than Operation Desert Storm.  We have an OK but not close relationship, that I expect will fade once her kids and mine are off to college or whatever.  That's a couple of years out.  My other sister is lost to drugs - not in the street addict sense, just in the "numbed out on meds" sense.  I miss the original version of both of them.

And - while I'm sharing, although it's not BPD.  My older son is very deeply angry with me over my absence in his youth.  It's on me, I accept that.  I've apologized so much he now gets angry when I do.  I had to draw a boundary there too.

I think I'm getting to the point of my life where I've been there, and done that.  I can handle this fine, I've handled much worse.  I suppose its the family dynamic version of a clogged toilet - no emergency, just unpleasant and unavoidable.

On the bright side, I can write a book called "Unclogging the Family Toilet - How to deal with _____ without getting smeared."   

So we have been dating for 4 months, and 4 weeks ago we went on a trip. meeting some of our gaming friends for a week. We are long distance, so this is the second time we have met in person as well. She got very overwhelmed on the trip and kind of got a bit colder and asked me to be a bit less romantic to give her space, which I did the best that I could.

After the trip I spent 1 more week with her, and basically by the end of it she seemed really drained. I asked by the end of the trip if she still loved me and just responded, "Idk" (I know now I probably shouldn't have asked that, as that could make things worse).

When I got home, we had a voice call, and she basically said she has lost her feelings for me but says I have done nothing wrong, just that she currently feels numb. Since then we have only texted at her request. I have tried to be there for her while still giving her space to feel better, letting her know she doesn't need to reply when I send her something but that I am there if she needs me. She has been texting me back at random intervals but yesterday decided to not at all, and today asked about how I am doing and then when I replied, said nothing. I asked her a couple days ago if she still wants me to keep up my routine of saying good night, good morning, and one random text in the middle of the day or if she wants more space, and she asked me to keep texting her.

This is the first time she is what I guess is considered splitting. So it is hard to know how to navigate everything. Am I doing it right? Is there something I can do that might help? Should I keep texting her like I have even though she doesn't reply to show that I am still there? I care about her a lot, and I am willing to push through this, as she is genuinely an amazing person and hasn't said anything bad, just been self-isolating herself, and you know, said she doesn't feel anything for me atm and is feeling overwhelmed.

I have been reading a lot about BPD to try and understand it more but would love some perspective on what the best I can do is atm and how to make sure I don't hurt her or push her in any way. Any advice is appreciated except telling me to break up with her because I am not planning to do that whatsoever!

She has told me she is worried that her feelings might not come back and that we should maybe end the relationship so we aren't in this middle thing, but I told her that I don't expect her feelings to be able to match my feelings atm but that I am here for her and willing to wait.