Pete, that's a great point - that the logical conclusion of the 'what ifs' is that the relationship would have ended sooner. It makes me want to reframe my question from 'what if I did X to save the relationship, to 'what if I had responded as I should have?'

The first time BPDx and I had a fight, we had been together less than 2 months. I'd gone to visit him in his city and it had gone badly. I stated that I felt angry and unsupported because they hadn't done some tasks they'd promised to do to help me, before I came (a 13 hour train ride). I also emphasized that my feelings were not necessarily the whole story, and that I knew he also tried hard to support me in other ways.

BPDx responded by lashing out at me, then spending the next many hours crying and successively messaging/ calling everyone he knew (friends, family) to say that he was a bad person. With the result that many of them called back in concern, which he related to me as if it were my fault. Among the people he called was the affair partner with whom he had destroyed his previous live in relationship. He didn't disclose this to me at the time, he described to me as 'my friend'. He played me off against her, emphasising how she was 'there for' him during this terrible experience.

He also said he couldn't imagine how he could ever trust or feel the same for me again. Bear in mind that I had previously spent a full month  just before keeping him under near 24 hour watch, because of his mental health. He had been effusive about how in love he was, how I had 'healed him' etc, yet one conflict or critical remark was enough to completely derail this.

I ended up apologising and struggling to 'fix things', resulting in re-idealisation.

If I had acted as I should have, I would have at minimum demanded that he seek and enter formal mental health treatment at this point. And also not continued the relationship without full acknowledgement of how unstable his actions were, and commitment to change.

It's weird because at the time, I very quickly realised he met the criteria for BPD, and that his actions were kind of, well, crazy. And yet I didn't insist on the above because... well... I don't know. I wanted to believe he was a reasonable person, that the fairytale partnership I had been offered was still viable. Those were my delusions, not his. 

Under The Bridge, it's funny you use the 'failed them' phrase because that's exactly what BPDx said to me during one of his last 3.5 hour spirals. Hours later, he was happy and 'fine' again and seemed to want to act like it had never happened. The double standard between what I was supposed to just absorb, and his propensity to meltdown from much less, is stunning.

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're feeling desperate.  If you need a break, I think you should take one.  Maybe that looks like going for a walk outside.  Maybe it's getting some rest.  Maybe it's getting some space.  Maybe it's talking to a trusted friend, vocalizing your confusing thoughts, getting a reality check.  Maybe it's talking to a therapist.  Or putting thoughts into words here.

Just know that you're not to blame for your husband's BPD behaviors, no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.

What would you say has gotten you this point, if you care to share?  Is your husband abusive towards you?  Is he trying to isolate you from other people?  Is he having meltdowns over seemingly nothing, and making you feel as if you're walking on eggshells? Are you exhausted because even though you've tried everything to please him, it's never enough?  Is he blaming you for all his problems?

Maybe now you need some firmer boundaries.  You don't have to listen to yelling, insults, unfounded accusations, threats, tantrums.  You could leave the room if your husband becomes unhinged--giving him time and space to calm down.  Think of it as an adult time out for him, but also for you.  You could leave the home if necessary--go to a store, a park, a library, a friend or neighbor's house, anywhere to get a little space and let things calm down.  That's not avoidance, that's energy management--because when emotions are boiling over, problems aren't being solved anyway.  You only engage with him when you are both calm and rational.  If he's having a tantrum and you can't get a time out, then you can try the gray rock method--staying as still and emotionless as a gray rock, so as not to add emotional fuel to his fire.  How does that sound?

I feel I am having somewhat of a mental break. I just can’t take my husbands BPD anymore. Was looking for an online session somewhere but have been unable to find anything. Don’t really know what I need besides to not feel alone. It’s been a very, very hard day and I’m just about at my emotional end.

Hello. I've lived with my BPD/NPD mother for 10 years. She's getting worse. She's 67. Today she sucked me into one of her games. She told me a technician who came to the house to look at our trees, laughed at her, and made her cry. I fell for it and wrote an email to the company. They emailed me back, saying a manager would get a hold of me. When I talked to the manager, he told me his two guys, (my mom told me only one guy was there), interacted, and assumed everything was okay. She didn't seem agitated or upset when they left. I am left not knowing what to do. Why would someone risk their $30 an hour job to make fun of someone? It doesn't make sense. Why would she lie to me? When I got home, I thought she would say something, but she has remained silent. She hasn't asked me if I reported him or anything. Usually, she is very nosy. Lately, she is very detached. I am frustrated and confused. I also feel guilty for writing that email and potentially getting two guys in trouble for something they didn't do. She has always been manipulative, but this is new to me. She's never involved someone else. I don't let her get away with gaslighting, guilt trips, or making me feel bad anymore, and I feel like I can not let her get away with this. This is a boundary that has to be set, and right now she can split me all she wants. Thank you in advance for any help. I need all I can get.

Thank you for this -- and for all your helpful posts.

I think it's important to share these good moments as well as our challenges.  I spent a long time despairing.  It was always good to hear when others made progress.

In case it helps anybody else.... I think big turning points for me included realizing that it's really ok if the ubpd person in my life thinks I'm a bad person (or behaving badly) and that I have a right to be happy and act on my needs and values.

A motto I've heard in recent years is, "Don't let other people rent space in your head for free."  It sounds so simple but it's not easy.  This is a dysfunctional issue that you've faced your entire life.  Making improvements in your life will take time and determination.  But we are confident you will be rewarded for doing so.

Now that you've chosen and started down a new path in a positive direction, subsequent steps will become less and less stressful.  We look forward to hearing good things from you!  And when there are setbacks - sort of "two steps forward and one step back" - feel free to consult us and let us cheer you on to your better future.

We need time for recovery.  Your ex, as disordered as she is, is able to flit to other relationships with little effort.  Unfortunately, they're likely to be unhealthy rebound relationships.

That's why we are not encouraging you to go out and quickly seek your own rebound relationship.  It wouldn't be healthy for you.  You need to Mourn and allow Time to recover your equilibrium.

We here suffered much from our failed and dysfunctional relationships.  Time heals, even though scars remain.  They too will fade in time.  Since we didn't get Closure from the other, we had to accept that we'd therefore have to Gift ourselves Closure.

Well, if she did end up with someone else, then you know that it wasn't meant to be.  You did find out that she was flirting with others even when you were together...which brings us right back to the trust factor.  Trust has to be there to avoid doing this all over again.

I wish you luck but like I said, time is on your side right now.  I know it doesn't feel like it, but your thoughts on this will change in a month or three months from now.  You'll gain clarity and see more of the bigger picture, good and bad.  Just give it time to get to that place.

Notwendy,
Thank you for understanding how we can get triggered when we are around someone whose behaviors remind of us how our mother with BPD treated us.
It can help to know that this is a different situation: I am now an independent adult and not a dependent child stuck stuck living with a mother with BPD who can act out at any moment. This neighbor has made it impossible for the HOA to hire anyone to take care of the grounds because she demands that whoever we hire do all kinds of work to meet her standards of perfection that the HOA will not pay for. The contractors eventually quit. I can hear her frustration as she bangs around trying to take care of the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. I have to remember that these are her feelings and a situation she created for herself: Let her own her feelings while I work on keeping my peace. 

Hi Sunny,

What strikes me here is that you recognize you need your own place, and yet almost everything you write is about your sister and mom!  You state that it's not your responsibility to take care of your sis, and yet, it seems that your sister's welfare remains top-of-mind for you, even after she physically assaulted you!  That sounds like some trauma bonding to me.  At the very least it is taking up a ton of your mental bandwidth.

My advice for you right now would to be start making concrete plans to move out.  One way to start would be to create a dedicated savings account just for this purpose, and you could start saving for first and last month's rent, as well as moving expenses and funds to buy some furniture if you need it.  I think if you created a special account, moving out would start to feel more real.  You could look at apartment rentals in different neighborhoods--I'd suggest actually touring some in person, for motivation.  You could look at find-a-roommate websites.  You could let trusted friends know that you're looking for your own place.  And you might look at house-sitting options as well, if that fits in your schedule.  In other words, if you take some baby steps towards making a move-out plan, I think you'll start to make some progress and build momentum.  Merely having a plan will create some motivation for you!  And if you start looking at neighborhoods and apartments, you'll get a clearer idea of what's in your budget.  My suggestion would be to spend at least an hour every week working on your move-out plan.  My guess is, eventually something will come available, and you'll be ready--because you'll see the opportunity and be ready to pounce on it.  Maybe it's not a "forever" home, just a "transitional" home where you can live in peace.  Even a "transitional" home would be an improvement, right?  From there, you could always look for something better, maybe a year further down the line.

As for your sister, my guess is that she doesn't hold down any jobs because she doesn't have to.  She's not going to find employment until she has no other choice.  As long as you hang around, live with her and pay some (or all) her expenses, my guess is that she'll be content mooching off of you, while blaming you and abusing you, too.  My advice?  The sooner you leave, the sooner your sister will have to take responsibility for her life.  She might fall apart, but then she might get the help she really needs. 

Look, it seems to me that the status quo isn't working for you, and it's not really working for your sister, either.  My sense is that the sooner you get out of that toxic situation, the better it will be for all of you.  I know that finding your own place might feel arduous, even scary.  But I think in reality, the status quo is more arduous and scary.  It's up to you to change your life for the better.  I know you have an amazing gift, which is positivity in the face of adversity.  But you need to give yourself the gift of freedom without remorse.  I hope you consider that.  All the best to you.