Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I wish there was a way to "fix this" so it doesn't continue.  Unfortunately though, BPD can't be fixed unless someone is ready to put in considerate time and effort in therapy.  Even before that though, they have to realize that the problem within their life actually comes from within. 

But to admit that to yourself as a mentally ill person when there's zero answer on how to overcome it...it's almost impossible.  For that reason, your mom deserves compassion.  What she says and does is genuine since she believes it wholeheartedly.  Why?  Because the actual truth is too much to bear- every failed relationship came from her sabotaging everything good in her life.

I remember a time my BPD daughter sprained her ankle.  It was a bad sprain and the doctor told her to move around as little as possible for a month, to wear boots that supported the ankle, etc.  But instead, my kid wore flip flops and ran/jumped every oportunity she had.  As a result, a short term injury became like a two-year cycle of anger, blame, sympathy plays....even though there was a clear way to fix things.  Just do what the doctor said, what everyone is telling you.  Just let it heal.  But she simply refused to be told what to do.

Your mom is in the exact same position, she needs to mentally heal through therapy.  But instead, she leans on you for emotional support while trying to destroy anything in your life that gets in the way.  That's why your parents' marriage failed, and it could be why your marriage eventually fails as well.  It is manipulation at its finest.

I said all of that to say this- you are responsible for you.  Mom is responsible for mom.  When that no longer feels true, it's time to take a few steps back.  I do agree with you that mom needs your endless compassion and empathy to function, but once you begin to withdraw, she will simply find someone else to fill that void.  She's done it her entire life.  This is not your job though and it's not your responsiblity.

Push back on her narratives surrounding your childhood, but at the same time make it crystal clear, "I love you but I will not talk about this anymore.  It is emotionally draining."  If she respects that, great.  If not, hang up and distance yourself for a few days.  Then rinse and repeat.

Do this exact same thing when it comes to your job, your partner, your lifestyle, your family, etc.  If this is to be a mutual relationship, then you get some say in what you actually talk about and your feelings should be respected.  The one-way relationship has to end though, there's nothing in it for you but harm and emotional trauma.

This plays out one of two ways- either mom learns to respect your boundaries, or you end up no contact.  The only one who can change this dynamic is you though, and your healthy boundaries will drive her one step closer to admitting the ugly truth- she's seriously ill and needs to take therapy seriously.  Letting her dominate your life has the exact opposite effect; there's no need to change anything if she gets her disordered emotion support from you.

You have to choose one path- either you're in charge of you, or mom's disordered thinking is.

None of us are vengeful, of course, but I am reminded of an old saying in which I will replace 'revenge' with 'outcome' ... "The best {outcome} is to live a good life."

Thank you for sharing so much about how his relationship has impacted you. I completely relate to what you said about being highly emotional, empathetic and confrontation-averse. I am exactly the same way, and as I've learned more about BPD (in my case it is my sister), I am realizing that some of these core pieces of my personality have developed due to the efforts I've taken to navigate an unpredictable relationship with an individual locked into a victim mentality. I am curious how many other community members here relate to that as well.

While the nuances of all of our stories are different, I think one of the biggest themes that we all face is understanding how to set boundaries that protect ourselves while still being present for our loved one who is suffering. But at the end of the day YOU deserve to have peace. Sometimes protecting yourself and the other relationships that you cherish means releasing control and divesting yourself of the caretaker role. I'll share something that happened to me that got my wheels turning about this: last year I hosted Thanksgiving, and I caught myself going to extreme lengths to keep my sibling happy and entertained and calm at my own expense. Because of the empathy I've developed, I can feel the shifts in her mood and can usually feel an emotional episode brewing before it happens. During this holiday weekend I realized I was taking it upon myself to "head her off at the pass" by adjusting any variables that were upsetting to her, whether it was the direction a conversation was going or a comment someone made that she found upsetting. After the holiday I got very sick, and I had a bit of an "aha" moment that I couldn't do it anymore. Walking on eggshells with her was impacting me both mentally AND physically.

Al Anon is designed for loved ones of individuals suffering from substance use disorder, with the core philosophy being shifting focus from your loved one to yourself. I've actually found Al Anon meetings to be really helpful with boundary setting and detachment for my pwBPD. If you're looking for more resources, this may be a useful model to take a peek at. Ultimately, we can't control our loved ones' emotions or how they choose to interpret the past and the present. But we can find ways to prioritize our own emotional needs.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were easy answers how to fix things.  It does sound like BPD and this is a pattern that will unfortunately continue.

One thing I will say though, congrats on getting married!  That's your day and you absolutely must make it 100% about you and your spouse.  Don't worry about what your sister might say or do...or if she'll even show.  Whatever happens there will happen and you have zero control over it, which means worrying is senseless.  Let it go.

I know, I know...it's your big day.  So make it about you for once!

I am so sorry.  I've walked the same road with a BPD kid and grandkids being cut out of my life.  Luckily in my case, if was my non-BPD daughter (with the grandkids) that I had a falling out with for a time and we were able to mend that.  It was all over things the BPDs in my life said though, so I definitely understand.  It's a gut-punch.

The way you remake your life though is simple- you get busy living.  That means fall into old and new hobbies.  That means spend quality time with friends and family.  That means get moving, regardless of what you're doing, so you're not sitting around feeling hurt and broken.

For awhile, you'll have to 'fake it till you make it'.  I've been there and didn't know if I'd survive it.  But time does heal all and this too will lose its sting.

Hi there,

What you describe about your sister sounds like BPD to me:  the cycles of estrangement, imagining ill intent in others, taking things the wrong way and uber-personally, volatile emotions, multiple claims of supposed abuse, the endless grievances, her impossible expectations.  She's always twisting fact patterns into a victim narrative, which isn't exactly lying, but is highly distorted and exaggerated, often with essential facts omitted.  For example, if your dad compliments someone else, your sister will typically take it as a personal insult.  In my opinion, the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because your sister thinks she's powerless over her own life.  She hasn't really taken responsibility for her own choices and actions, because she feels like she's a victim, which keeps her stuck in a rut, rehashing past grievances ad nauseum, instead of looking forward.  Does that sound about right?

I've written various times on these boards that certain events or milestones, like birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals, illnesses, vacations, etc. are tinderboxes for pwBPD, because they are emotionally-charged, typically involve friends and family deemed "toxic," and are somewhat stressful--at the very least, they disrupt the usual routine.  The stress alone can derail the pwBPD.  You'd think she'd be happy for you, but I think it's not possible when she's not happy with herself.  You see, deep down she's probably feeling extremely insecure, jealous, inferior and alienated.  Your happiness is a stark reminder of your sister's own unhappiness.  On top of that, she can't stand to witness the attention you're getting, because she construes that as attention taken away from her.  Sometimes she'll create a scene to try to reclaim the attention she craves.  She might start an argument, hurl unfounded accusations or try to sabotage the event in some way.  If she's the avoidant type, she might try to punish you with her absence. 

So, what do you do?  I'm in a similar situation as you right now, with a family wedding coming up.  I think you invite your sister, but that you keep your expectations very low.  My guess is that she might not respond to the invitation, and I think that's OK.  You see, she can't RSVP, because she doesn't know herself if she's going to attend or not.  Her emotions are so volatile, even she doesn't know what she's going to do until the day comes.  If she shows up, great.  You try to recruit some help from a brother, uncle or somebody you trust to step in if your sister creates a scene.  They can escort her out until she calms down.  But no matter what happens, you go ahead and enjoy your special day to the max.  If you sister doesn't show up to the wedding, that's OK too.  Just trust that she wasn't feeling up to it, and she's segregating herself rather than risk ruining your special day.  If she's sulking alone, let her sulk alone--think of it as a needed "adult time out" for her.  Just remember, you have no control over your sister's emotions, and it's not your job to be her emotional caretaker, OK? 

In addition, I'd advise not to give your sister any responsibilities for the wedding, such as bridesmaid or reader.  If she balks, your excuse is that you didn't want to burden her with anything.  This is my general approach with my pwBPD.  Since I do not rely on her for anything, I won't be upset if she falls through.  I'll generally give her low-stakes options, and if she pulls through, then that's icing on the cake--but I don't set myself up for disappointment.  Like I wrote, I don't even expect an RSVP.

Hope that perspective helps a little.  Welcome to the group.

Hi all,
This is my first post. I'm grateful to have found a community of people who may be managing similar difficulties in their family, and would love feedback/thoughts about my current circumstances from anyone who may have some wisdom.

My older sibling is not diagnosed to my knowledge but after taking time to research and better understand BPD, I feel confident that that this is what she is living with. Our family dynamic is peppered with decades of schisms, estrangements and accusations of abuse. She has a tendency to misunderstand other people's intentions through a lens that everyone has malicious intent towards her. Anything that any of us say can get easily misconstrued, sometimes shockingly so (one example: my dad made a comment that he was very fond of one of my childhood friends, and she felt he made that comment specifically to hurt her). Every few years she cuts us out because of something that she perceives as abusive, and she has a tendency to cut off friends after becoming convinced that they did something horrible to her.

Fast forward to this year. We've enjoyed a few years of peace as a family where everyone seemed to be getting along. Something my dad said to her on the phone was interpreted as malicious, and she decided to cut him off. My mom called her to try to reason with her, and then she cut her off. When I spoke to her about it, she claimed that our parents said horrible things to her that I know for a fact they didn't say, but I tend to be very gentle with pushback because she can become very volatile. I also have recognized over the years that it's not that she's lying--she really believes these things. It is very much HER reality, even if I personally would never interpret things the way she does.

She and I are still communicating -- my tactic is to send loving texts to her to make sure she knows I'm still here and I care about her, which she seems responsive to. Normally I would be okay accepting that we're entering a family cut-off phase, but my wedding is coming up in a few months and I'm starting to feel very nervous. Both of my parents have sent her messages telling her they love her and she hasn't responded.

There is a chance that she won't come to my wedding, and I told her that I support whatever she feels comfortable with. But if she DOES decide to come, I guess I'm nervous of my wedding becoming a backdrop for family drama. I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I need to have some contingency plans in place for a couple different possible scenarios. Any thoughts/feedback/advice is deeply appreciated.

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

I have posted this article before as it's a good description of what this dynamic feels like. While posters here may have different situations- the dynamics described in this article are relatable.

My parents did not divorce and while my father did take on the larger part of caretaking for my BPD mother, her emotional needs also involved us kids, and others. PwBPD tend to project their feelings and blame others and so while your mother is blaming the divorce, your fiance, or whoever for her situation, my BPD mother did this as well- it is a part of the disorder. Of course you did nothing at age 11 to cause a divorce or not drive to see her.

Where I felt this dilemma was when, in their elder years, my father got ill. I did visit, to help, but I had my own family too. My BPD mother's behavior escalated during this time, and her needs were constant.

My BPD mother was overwhelmed with her own emotional needs, she couldn't think beyond them and likely your mother can't either. Boundaries are necessary, and the difficult aspect of this is that you do care about your mother. If your mother's needs and expectations of you are not reasonable, she will react to that. It is good you are getting therapy to help you to cope with this. You are not doing anything wrong by choosing your own life, a relationship, independence. Emotionally stable parents want this for their children. Your mother isn't able to think in this way- so it is up to you to take steps to have this.

I'm posting because I feel very alone with this and don't know where else to turn.

My partner has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD many years ago.
For the first five years of our relationship (since 2019), things were constantly up and down. She ended things and came back five times, until what I thought was the final time.

Four months later she reached out again. She told me about all the work she'd done on herself: she'd stopped drinking, started medication and was in treatment. We talked for four months and slowly got back together. She seemed so 'together', she was introspective, calm, kind, loving and made me feel amazing. From early 2025, it was genuinely really good. I truly believed the change was real and lasting.

To give her extra reassurance and commit to us, I agreed to get married in October 2025. Part of me wondered if this was mania, but she assured me it wasn't, and she seemed calm and level-headed at the time. We were both thrilled.

About two months after the wedding, the cracks started to show. She would be "off" at times, splitting, and getting angry over very small things. At Christmas she went into a severe depressive episode and talked about separating. I wondered if her medication had stopped working or the dose was wrong.

After that, the arguments became more and more frequent. The hardest part was never knowing whether she was in a BPD episode or genuinely upset with me. So I'd defend and justify myself, and we'd go round and round in circles. I'd walk on eggshells and was worried of the next episode/split/anger or guilt tripping outburst.

About eight weeks ago, after an argument that turned into days of silence, cold shoulder and dismissiveness, I told her in the heat of the moment that I couldn't do this anymore. I said I was breaking and felt like I was going mad, and I asked her to leave. She then attempted suicide.

I haven't processed that. I've felt overwhelming guilt. I tried to give her every bit of support I could while falling apart inside. Her psychiatric team wasn't acting, so I pushed hard to get her an urgent review. When she was seen two days later, it turned out her medication dose was wrong and had been keeping her in a depressive state.

The very next day (which was yesterday), we had a disagreement about holidays and travel. She then told me by text that she wants a divorce, and laid out the logistics: swap belongings, do the divorce online, wished me luck with my new job, "take care x."

I'm devastated and humiliated. I also feel incredibly lonely, because she tends to portray me to her family as the bad, unsupportive one, so I don't feel I have anyone on that side who understands. I have isolated from my friends and family and do not want to talk to them about this as they had warned me when we got back together that this would happen.

If you've been through something like this:

How did you deal with the guilt after a partner's suicide attempt?
How do you grieve someone who keeps leaving and coming back?
How did you stop doubting your own perception of what happened?

Thank you for reading. I just really need to hear from people who understand.

Hi Brighterdays,

After reading your post, I can see that you are yearning for brighter days ahead, but that your mom is keeping you tethered to her backward-looking, negative narrative.  I think you are probably the bright one in the family, in part because of your dad, who tried to do what was best for you in a tough situation.  In turn, you've tried to keep everyone in the family happy, even if it meant parentification at a very young age.  I also get the feeling that you're very bright, in the sense that you're smart and can see what's really going on.  You've nailed how your mom relies on you to be her emotional caretaker.  But even if, intellectually, you see what's going on, you're conflicted about how to prevent your mother from dragging you (and your new family) down to her level.  You probably yearn to have a "normal" mother-daughter relationship, but your mother just isn't able to handle that, not when you were a kid, not now, and probably not in the future, for as long as she's clinging to the woe-is-me victim narrative, the stuck-in-the-past divorcee who refuses to face reality, take responsibility, move on and make a nice life for herself.  Even so, you feel guilty whenever you don't do your mother's bidding.  Does that sound about right?

I think that by now, you've seen that no matter how much you walk on eggshells around your mother and mollycoddle her feelings, she's still going to act needy, throw tantrums and believe falsehoods.  When she does this, it could be to get attention, to get you to over-function for her, or just to unleash her pent-up anger/frustration/jealousy/loneliness.  It's no surprise to me that she's acting up right now, precisely when you have some good news (and added stress) in your life:  an engagement and plan to start a family.  On the one hand, she's probably straight-up jealous of you, your happy news and your accomplishments.  On the other hand, she's jealous of your fiance, because much of your attention will be redirected towards him, and away from her.  I think you've seen through your mother already and understand that this is the problem du jour.  As you might know, the fear of abandonment is core to pwBPD, and your mom probably thinks she will be "losing" you to somebody else.  Cue the breakdowns, the feigned illnesses, the plaintive calls at all hours of the day and night, the desperate neediness, the blaming of others for ruining her life, the constant "testing" of your "loyalty" to her.  The second you start to pull away, she amps up her behavior, in the hopes that you will relent, only to get her to stop.

But here's the thing.  No matter what you do, your mom will still be upset, and she'll still have her unresolved issues.  Just look at the past decade or two:  her dysfunction/despair/lashing out/convoluted narrative have been pervasive, systemic, unrelenting, because she hasn't gotten treatment for BPD, or she hasn't taken treatment seriously.  In other words, no matter what you do, it will make no lasting difference to her behavior.  That's because you didn't cause BPD, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, no matter how much you want to.  Only your mom can do that.

So where does that leave you?  You could try to do whatever your mom asks, in a vain attempt to make her feel better.  But if you sacrifice your health, your life, your finances, your upcoming marriage and your other relationships, your mom will have succeeded in ruining your life, right along with hers.  I beg you not to let her do that.  You deserve to have a wonderful life!  And you are responsible for making that happen.  If your mom were of a right mind, that's what she'd want for you too.  So I think you honor your mom by making your life wonderful, OK?

What you can do is erect some boundaries.  Like ForeverDad states, boundaries don't change your mother's behavior; they focus on YOU and dictate YOUR behavior.  Maybe you could focus on one or two of your biggest issues right now.  One might be that your mom is calling you at all hours of the day and night, consuming too much of your time and emotional energy, when you need to work and get your rest.  Your boundary might be, all calls from mom go directly to voicemail.  You check your messages/texts from her once a day, when it's convenient for you.  If any message requires an actual response from you, then you will call your mom on your drive home from work, talk with her for 10 minutes, and hang up when you arrive home.  But if your mom starts shouting or criticizing, you will hang up immediately.  Maybe another issue is that your mom brings up the topic of your dad or the divorce, which stresses you out.  Your boundary might be that when your mom talks about your dad or divorce, you give one warning:  "Mom, talking about dad/divorce stresses me out; if you continue I'm hanging up/leaving."  And if she continues, you hang up or leave.

But maybe your mom's behavior is so toxic right now that you can't stand it anymore.  If that's the case, I'd say, you go ahead and take a break right now, because you need it.  You're no good to your mom if you're a basket case anyway.  You don't have to announce this strategy; just take a break--don't call, don't answer texts if that distresses you, don't visit in person, whatever.  You decide if you go Low Contact or No Contact, and you decide how long you need to take a break.  There's no clock on this.  I'd say, give it a try and see how you feel.  You just get busy with your life--planning for your marriage, seeing your friends, whatever.  You're young, you're supposed to be busy, and you're supposed to be prioritizing making an independent life for yourself.  That should be your focus, not caretaking your mom's emotions, OK?