It's okay to voice reality.  You needed that expression.  Will she respond positively, long term?  Might she see the need to start therapy to point her into a better direction?  (BPD is a disorder most impacting of close relationships.  You wish she would listen, but the baggage of the dysfunctional relationship gets in the way.  That's why there is slightly more chance of her listening to a trained expert who doesn't have a close relationship with her.)

Next time... Ponder over how to separate the person from abusive behavior.  Perhaps, "I love you but I don't like you when you act like that."  However, even that may get pushback and not get positive results.

It can come to a point where your own health and mental composure brings you to a realization that the discord and dysfunction is simply too much for you to bear.  Don't feel guilty if you reach that point, after all, you're only human.

Wow, yours is a complicated situation. 

Not sure what the legal system is like where you live, but my first thought would be to pay for a brief legal opinion on your situation from  a local attorney, and the likely outcome if he doesn't cooperate. 

It's most helpful to know what the "default" outcome would be; that gives you a baseline from which to negotiate.  the pwBPD will likely make all sorts of bluffs and threats about what they'll do and what will happen to you in divorce, but if you already know what you're likely to end up with under the local legal code or family law statute, you don't have to worry about their threats.  And maybe if the default is not that bad, you can decide to just accept it for the sake of getting it over with quicker.  You can also ask the local counsel how to handle the safety & move out issues: whether they can send police over to moderate the move out and packing of your stuff, or if you can hire private security for the same purpose. 

That issue with cats... I don't know.  Is he also attached to them?  Would he try to use them as leverage over you?  Maybe downplay that until later in the process so he doesn't use it against you.  Be glad you don't have kids with him!  That would make this even more complicated. 

I may also pay for a legal opinion from an attorney in the States, as to whether he could access any of your assets in the U.S. or how he would go about that if you moved money or joint property to U.S. banks.

A couple other thoughts:

In terms of personal protection:

- get familiar with your phone's record button.  Practice turning the sound off so you can silently record him if it comes down to a domestic violence incident, or him issuing threats or something like that.  You don't want the phone to beep when you hit record. 

- don't put yourself in any vulnerable situations, but don't let fear of what he might do stop you from moving forward if that's your decision.  Don't give him more power than he has already.  You may have to take some personal risks if you're ending this, but you can minimize them.  Have other friends around, or security.  Avoid areas you know he'll go.  If he starts showing up unexpectedly, following you, etc. be quick to report him. 

- My thoughts are that if you've let other third parties know about the situation, and maybe have involved the local authorities/police in patrolling your move out, he'd be less likely to resort to violence knowing  he'd be already on their radar if/when he lashed out.  He'd be the primary suspect if something happened to you. 

Preserving possessions - I had issues with my then-wife throwing out my things, and threatening to toss a couple boxes of family heirlooms I had.  There was nothing super valuable, but a lot of it was irreplaceable.  I rented a storage locker nearby and moved this stuff in there when my ex- wasn't around, and let my brother know where it was if something happened to me.  In the event, BPDxw never noticed it was gone, and never found out about the storage locker.  I also paid cash for the monthly rental fees, so there was no record of it in our credit card statements, and had any paperwork sent to my office, not my house. 

If there aren't storage lockers you can rent where you live, perhaps you could gradually ship some of your stuff back to the U.S.?  get creative; tell him you need photos restored and ship them to a friend here.  Hide or move other stuff out gradually so he doesn't notice. 

- Keep in mind he might not go "scorched earth" in the end, and so things you're afraid he'll destroy might not be an issue. I found that the inherent laziness of the pwBPD was a natural barrier to them doing some of the stuff they threaten to do.

- On the advice of an attorney, I opened a separate bank account, also on the DL, and kept enough cash in there to live on and rent a hotel for a week or so if needed.  I had the account records, statements, etc. sent to my office.  I did this so I'd have access to cash in the event she tried to loot our accounts to keep me from filing for divorce (something she had threatened to do, and in the event, did indeed try to do after we agreed our marriage was over).  As my attorney said, "you're not hiding the money; you will disclose the account at trial, but you're keeping it there for safekeeping."

- Planning all this out may also be therapeutic.  I found it helped me stay sane when fights at home were really bad (I had an exit plan).  If you feel overwhelmed, break it into smaller steps.

I'd really be curious to see how people grew up a few generations prior, and see if some of these behaviors have been passed down, or what they were like back then.  Just a few generations back, and in much of the world, life wasn't much different than it had been for hundreds of years before that.  We didn't psychoanalyze behavior until the 20th Century more or less, and the understanding of behavioral disorders is even more recent than that, and still developing. 

I know in my family, from what I learned from my parents and seeing how older generations behaved, a lot of things were NOT discussed, as it seems like they saw no point in doing so... divorce was rare and frowned upon.  People stayed quiet or otherwise placated the more troublesome ones to keep the peace in the small homes they lived in.  And of course, kids left home earlier and got the hell out of there  as soon as they could. 

Hi AaZz...I totally know how you feel!  My uBPDh's cycle has been 2ish weeks of being at a 2, then a couple of days of being at a 10...then back to the 2!  I feel like I have spent so many cycles longing for the 10 phase, and when it hit, believing that it would last, just for him to split to a 2 a couple of days later.  I used to notice myself loosening up, communicating more, being my true self, just to put up a thick wall a day or two later.  This has worn me out both physically and mentally.  You never know when either phase is going to hit, so you are "on edge" all the time.  Like you, I am trying to keep myself stable, and to teach the kids to stay stable, no matter his mood, but it isn't easy!  For me, its the not knowing when the switch, either direction, is going to happen, its so hard to organize life!  I wish I had a suggestion, I don't, but I do totally understand where you are coming from. 

hotchip- Abuse (which can be of several kinds), especially child abuse, is my bottom line. However, for my father and yours, their marriage was theirs. Each of us acted according to what we believed was the ethical thing to do, but it was a case of conflicting values. Estrangement is hurtful no matter who makes the choice. In some cases, and I believe yours is one of them, it's necessary- to not allow someone to physically harm you or pretend it's ok.  It's your father's choice to have allowed this to happen and it's your choice to not comply with that.

In my situation, the family rule was to appease and comply with BPD mother and to stay silent about it no matter what. But when I believed doing so would be potentially harmful to others, including myself,  I would not do that. For my parents, this was unacceptable. That was their choice to make.

I agree. The situations I see here that seem to have the most personal suffering is sometimes a conflict of ethics, not someone being right or wrong.

Most people on this board aren't posting about breaking up their marriages or cutting contact with family members because of minor issues. Most are highly committed to their relationships. Dilemmas are along the line of "how can I have a relationship with my parents without it upsetting my BPD spouse" and there's no choice that doesn't have difficult consequences. Either the spouse will be upset or there's the pain of severing ties with parents, or siblings, friends, family members, in order to keep from upsetting the pwBPD.

These are not "normal" choices. I don't think it's common or even acceptable, in the absence of serious issues, to insist that a spouse not have contact with members of their family of origin. However, these are some of the choices people face on these boards and each choice has difficult consequences. 

From my own experience, I would say my father enabled and justified my disordered mother's behaviour quite a bit. He wanted to keep the peace and placate her. (People in the culture they are from and of their generation basically don't divorce). One of his sayings was, 'she's just like that'.

She was 'just like that' when she bloodied my face, or instructed me to kill myself, or threatened to murder-suicide me, or....

I was estranged from my father for some years as a result. I did see him as a collaborator. I think having this as my model of what a relationship should look like has had a very bad effect on my assessment of relationships in adult life.

That's just one story.

It's a great point and it's a complete contradiction- who's right or wrong?  That's why I don't think we can "judge it" that way since it depends so much on perspective.

Also consider that some here complaining about being cut off, or those doing the cutting off, may have BPD traits that led them to do so.  Again, how do we judge who's just and who's not?  I don't think we can in any meaningful way.

Instead, I think we can only meet people where they're at, provide peer support, and help them cope with a troubling time...even if they ultimately caused it on their own.  Even if they're "dead wrong" in how they got to this place.

How do we do that?  By providing hope, by discussing healthier communication tactics, by encouraging things like empathy and forgiveness.  Then of course, helping others focus on self-care during their struggles and finding more productive ways to deal with grief and heartache.

Those things are benefits regardless of who's "right" or "wrong", healthy or mentally ill.  Ultimately, it's learning to let go of the hurt while finding methods to avoid the same path all over again in the future.

I’m wondering if anyone can identify.
Every so often (Once a year? Year and a half?) my wife will drop all her bpd traits.  It’s like she becomes a different person - her eyes are different, her voice is different, her speech patterns are different, she’s smiley and chatty and pleasant.  It’s like she’s broken out of a bubble and can see reality. I’ve tried to find language to describe it, and the closest thing that feels right is to say she seems “lucid.”  Sometimes these phases last a week, sometimes a couple of months.  99% of the time it corresponds with some kind of of med update or change - doesn’t matter which med or what kind of alteration.  But although the length of clarity varies, it always ends.
You would think these times would be great.  Enjoy them while they last!  She’s engaging, actually shows an interest in me and my thoughts.  But for me it’s the total opposite..  I am so unsettled, it’s unnerving, I don’t feel safe, I don’t know how to act.  I hate these phases.  In part I think I’ve learned how to navigate her disregulation, how to validate without wanting my side to be heard, how to handle projection, offense, triangulation, fear/obligation/guilt, to protect boundaries.  So when all of those things are gone, I have no idea how to act.  Who am I?  How do we engage now?
Also, I know these times never last.  I don’t want to start engaging like I would with a normal person and then get broadsided when things randomly snap back.
And anything I say during these times  will be remembered once she’s back in the bubble.  She might honestly and sincerely be interested in my thoughts and feelings, coax them out, even handle my response perfectly fine.  But then 3 weeks later if she’s back to being disregulated, she will remember the things I said 2 weeks earlier, but now through the lens of offense which I had felt safe from.  It’s like saying something perfectly fine to Sméagol, but if you do, Gollum is going to find out later.
All of this is feels horrible to live through.  Especially because she IS caring and concerned during these times of lucidity/clarity.  Her eyes are off herself.  Why are you so quiet? Why are you not talking? Why do you seem so down?  I am no more quiet or down than normal - she is just noticing for the first time. 
I don’t want to be protective during the rough patches and super up during the good times.  I desire stability, consistency, even/steady.  Whether she’s at a 2 or a 10, I want to hang out at a 7.5.  Which *feels* lousy when she’s at a 10 and I’m trying to maintain my 7.5.
I almost feel released the next time she snaps and projects on me.
Is this common? Rare? Super unhealthy? Anyone have advice on how to navigate the “good” times?

I walked that "honor your parents" line to the best I could, but when it seemed to require allowing what I considered to be emotional abuse to me or my children, that was a limit. I didn't expect my father to leave my mother, and he didn't. I know he did what he felt he needed to do.

However it invoved emotional hurt to other family members. It's not about anything in the past or judging them right or wrong. It's the dilemma of when choosing to appease them involves us collaborating with doing something that violates our own ethics- wherever we put that line.

I'm trying to avoid specific details, but when the family "rule" is to remain silent and comply, and doing so is against our own values- how does one make that choice?

To put this to an extreme example- if your wife insisted you rob a bank and you wanted to keep the peace and stand by her, would you do it? This is not something that happened but it's an example of where does one draw the line and refuse, even if it causes an extreme reaction.

On the family board, adult children struggle with the idea of going NC with a disordered parent even in the event of extreme abuse. It is a last resort when other attempts have failed. Yet on the parent board are numerous grieving mothers in law whose adult children have cut them off, seemingly for no fault on their part. I'm not judging right or wrong here but noting that there are hurtful consequences to choices like this.