DBT is a good thing.  Too often a person with Borderline traits has too much Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting to start therapy sessions.  It is even harder for them to continue them.  And it is important that they do more than attend, diligently applying the skills and insights into their lives, thinking and perceptions is crucial.  It take time to see progress.  Therapy often takes years, for many it is a life-long journey.

If you would have asked first, we would have replied that it is generally not helpful to share a diagnostic label as a reason for therapy.  As you discovered, it often triggers overreactions.  But what's done is done.  Perhaps you could minimize what got said but I don't know if that would help or not.

I had been married for over 15 years but if my ex would have started therapy, I would have been willing to start therapy with her too, though it would have had to have been individual and not joint therapy.  But she refused the concept of therapy, as far as I know, to this day.

Thank you both for sharing and your insight.  Yesterday it actually came to a head.  Because I was holding boundaries and avoiding getting into arguments that aren’t meant to be arguments in my opinion. I shared with her that I was proud with her doing DBT and know it is hard, because I know what the diagnosis' it treats, which lead to her asking what I thought she had and I said BPD and who I have talked to about it and shared I had with my sisters and mother.  She felt betrayed and her “reputation tarnished,” because of how stigmatizing the diagnosis is.  We had an impromptu talk this morning which I kept calm and she kept civil, but could see the shifts of anger, guilt, sadness, placing blame somewhere else.  I reaffirmed that she has been making progress and I myself am still working on myself to build up my self esteem and not to be afraid of her and walk on eggshells.  She does go into the black and white thinking that the relationship with my family is broken and can’t be fixed with my family so our relationship is over.  I did persist to her chagrin that things can be fixed and that why cant we just look at this in the gray as a hard time in our marriage.  I have put in hope with her actually seeking the treatment she needs.  I do feel that I can’t trust her at this time and have made some preparations for the worst.  I also know it will get worse before it gets better with me holding boundaries and not feeding into her unhealthy behavior.  For anyone out there did they see any positives with a spouse going to DBT?

While you can't fix her fears, worries, feelings or whatever that triggered her pulling away, there is much you can do to work on YOU.

Have you pondered your reaction, which started even in those first days of the relationship pause?  Grieving a loss is topic found on our Tools and Skills workshops board which describes known reactions such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, eventual acceptance.

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

As soon as she pulled back you became anxious and fretted over the sudden silence.  Could it be that you also have some co-dependence issues?  We are remote and anonymous peer support.  (And over the years our experience and insight has been invaluable!)  Perhaps you could start some sessions with a local therapist or counselor who is experienced in these sort of relationship issues?  Considering that she has trust or insecurity issues with therapy and the relationship is currently on hiatus, this is an excellent time for you to seek local and in-person support.

Many here, probably most here, never learned of a diagnosis.  A diagnosis might be helpful but we have to arrive at our own conclusions, more or less.

Many here went through separations and divorce and a surprising discovery was that those agencies involved had little interest in determining what the mental health issues were that caused the failure of the relationship.  (In fact, my family court studiously avoided the issues of any mental health issues.  It assumed every couple before the magistrate were just bickering or whatever.)

Apparently court and the associated agencies don't try to "fix" either spouse.  (The old story, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.)  They follow their laws, case law, policies and procedures.  More or less, the documentation and evidence.  What we've done is follow the court's pattern... We document and gather the evidence necessary to be the best persons and parents we can be.

Considering your spouse's dysfunctional perceptions and mindset, you should be relieved your spouse is letting you - as the reasonably normal parent - take the lead in parenting.  The reality is you can't force or coerce a person to be a good parent.  She may have a comfort zone for how much she is able to parent.  After all, you have concerns about her parenting already within just a few years.  Probably it's best you work with that insight.

Exactly. How warped it is that we can't be nice to someone and have to do what we need to to protect ourselves.

I realized this with my neighbor, sibling and a few family members. They have an outsized sense of entitlement and act like it's their right to dominate you by any means necessary. You're right -- being cooperative and kind makes you look weak and pliable -- ripe for the picking, especially since no one is looking.

My neighbor pulled a trick which made it difficult to take my trash to the curb. Instead of writing or talking to them, I reported it. You could say that my refusal to talk is spurring retaliation. But the negging was worse when I was a nice neighbor. There were outlandish demands, verbal abuse and ridicule. I could see she enjoyed acting like this. You can't trust someone like this.

And like you said, zachira, I just can't stand her anymore. Silence is golden.

Helle Everyone and, yes CC43, you are right. Thank you. That made me tear up. I don't think anyone has ever been so accurate about her. I often feel lost because I hold out hope for her. There's a small child inside that wants her to be the mom she never was, and every day she lets me down. It breaks my heart, and I often can't seem to move past it. Most days are better than others. Being here is helping. It's giving me different perspectives. I used to let her make me feel bad about seeing friends, but I would still go - tears in my eyes. Today, I ignore her, or tell her to stop. I did book another vacation, but I'll prepare better for the care of the outside animals now that I know how she is going to be. I really appreciate all of you. Oh! My user name, Einstein, is the name of my service dog. He is an American Staffordshire Terrier, and he is 97 pounds of lazy. 12 years old. I've had him since he was 12 weeks old. He's the best dog. Very smart, hence his name. Thank you.

Wantmorepeace,
Yes, I am learning a lot. I have never had a bad temper. I just realized that the times I have blown up in the last few years have only been with this neighbor nobody else and usually about every one to two years. The silent treatment works as well with her.
I am realizing that she sees being nice as weakness and an invitation to keep pursuing her agenda until she gets her way. I like to be around people who bring out the best in others. She brings out the worst in me, through constantly baiting me. I will continue to ignore her, and hope she stays out of my way. She definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder so there is no hope that she will ever improve. Actually she is getting worse with age which I believe is what making me get to the point I just can't stand her any more.

My friend is right that I am too nice to the wrong people. I need to take time to get to know people. I am realizing the people desperate for attention who are charming at first tend to not be nice people at all once I get to know them. I am starting to develop more long term relationships with the right kind of people which takes time and my being present calm in my own skin which attracts the right kind of people.

Hello, Einstein. I have also had many times when I've felt like all the support I has isn't enough; where I've been frustrated by what felt like lack of progress (in myself) despite all the work I put into therapy; and when my resentment could have filled the universe. 

It sounds like you are doing the work that needs to be done and that over time have been able to make some changes in your relationship to your mother. I truly believe that things will continue to progress, but it will not always be linear.  There will be moments that feel like backsliding.  And there will be feelings that will take time to lessen.

I recently started reading the Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.  I wonder if it might be helpful to you.  (Funny that you mentioned five-year-olds because this book suggests that many people wbpd stopped maturing emotionally as early as two years old.)