My husband has attended 2.5 years of individual therapy with a DBT-informed therapist and has completed 3 rounds of DBT. And this was after doing individual therapy with 2 other therapists (who were not that great), and couples counselling, and trying several different kinds of medication. His behaviours are not even nearly as severe as many other partners have described - mainly when triggered, he dissociates and yells to himself in a loud voice as if no one else is there. He also hates that he yells and says he does not want to do this anymore when calm (but still does).

Here's the thing - if the person experienced trauma, and I don't know if your wife did, but many people with BPD have very early attachment trauma, then in my experience, it is not enough to do DBT. That is a good start, but the person needs to work on processing the intense shame that is the hallmark of BPD and which is generally associated with the trauma they experienced. And that can be a very, very difficult, intense and painful process, which requires a high level of personal motivation to achieve. It cannot be "pushed upon" someone, they have to want very badly to work through their issues. I would not say my husband has "hit a wall", but I would say that it is just a long and challenging process - for some, it may require a lifetime of work to truly become healthy.

You can quote me all the studies in the world, but they are just academic words. I'm not trying to make you lose hope, and there is hope; however, BPD is not that easy to treat, contrary to what you may read. In the past, mental health professional thought it was untreatable, so I think it is great that there are actually therapies now that can work for motivated individuals. However, the authors of the study don't live with the person, and it is difficult to quantify things like what "no longer meeting criteria" actually looks like in real life. So I am not suggesting you give up, but just trying to keep it real - it's not like you do DBT, take medication and you're good to go.

Hi CrimsonBlue, and welcome. Nice to have someone from India here. I'm curious to know if your marriage was arranged. But anyways, let's go to what matters.

I fully agree with Pook075, and his advice is excellent.

However, there is another side of the story. People with BPD have conflict-seeking behavior, and over years it becomes clear that they get something out of it, even though they seem to be in such a poor state during their rants. And based on a theory proposed in detail in 2010, they do it due to an unconscious quest to stimulate their natural opioid system.

While feeling lonely and wanting more time with you is logical, accusing you of cheating with your eyes and being jealous of your sister is not logical at all. If she got angry but remained quiet, it would be just a cognitive distortion, but if she uses it to initiate a fight/argument, then this is conflict-seeking behavior. The entire point is to get you to defend and argue with her. When she first had this problem, before you married, she was unconsciously testing your reactions, because she already expected you to "process it."

My final answer is no, you won't be able to develop a thicker skin for her arguments and fights. It will make your shrink even more. Because once you completely resolve a problem, another will emerge.

My advice is that you should try a living apart together relationship so that you can take control of your well-being and let her know that you'll only move back together if she succeeds in recovering from the disorder (which can take many years). If that's not possible, then you would have to follow the advice of your family (divorce).

I went through a period like that.

After spending so much time dealing with someone else’s emotions, I realized I had turned down my own. Not that I was trying to, it just seemed like the safe thing to do. It’s like my system was in containment mode.

It wasn’t a lack of feeling. It’s like I didn’t trust that it was safe to let go.

Do you find this is something that happens mostly within the relationship, or is it something that happens elsewhere as well?

Hi Horselover,

Can you share how many years of DBT therapy your husband has done? And why is he doing it? Has he "hit a wall"?

It's true that getting them to seek treatment (such as DBT + medication) may take many years to yield results and yet is no 100% guarantee of recovery. And almost all of those recovered will still have a few of the symptoms (since recovery means less than 5). Yet, the statistics for BPD treatment indicate a very good prognosis. The image below speaks for itself.


Source: Ten-Year Course of Borderline Personality Disorder (Figure 2)

You can see that almost 100% of them had affective instability, but 10 years later just 40% of them did. And after 2 years, most of the patients have already been "undiagnosed" (don't meet the BPD criteria anymore). And approximately 85–93% achieved diagnostic remission over a 10-year span.

Ok, I know many don't even get diagnosed or get diagnosed but never actually start treatment. But there are many studies pointing out that BPD is the most treatable personality disorder.

---

Mutt,

Yes, I have not explained well what "conditional presence" means. It must be predictable, in the sense that the BPD loved one doesn't get insecure about our affection. They should not view it as "intermittent withdrawal," as that could undermine their sense of self-worth.

I agree that the intention of boundaries should not be to "shape their behavior," but that is what it will effectively do. Using the skills and tools will have a big effect on their behavior with you if you compare it to how it would be if you didn't use the skills and tools.

So you don't target their change, but you put matters in their hands, and you fully accept whatever course they choose to take and results they get. You accept their failure and the end of the relationship, as well as their recovery and the maintenance of the relationship.

Makes sense?

Reading through this thread, I keep coming back to what “conditionally present” actually means in practice. For me, it’s less about leverage and more about self-regulation. If things escalate, I step away. If respect dwindles, I disengage. Not to shape the other person’s behavior, but to protect my own stability.

I do think there’s a risk that newer members might interpret “conditional” as needing to create fear or corner someone. That hasn’t been my experience. The shift for me was internal ~ not trying to win, not trying to manage, just not participating in chaos.

Boundaries without power plays. That’s the balance I’m aiming for.

I know this may be hard to hear, but based off my experience with my BPD husband, it is not a simple formula that people with BPD who attend therapy go "into remission." It can take years of intense work for the person with BPD to be able to function at a somewhat healthy level in a relationship, and they also have to be highly motivated in order to accomplish this. As well, I am not sure if every person with BPD can achieve this even with therapy and medication, as sometimes, a relationship is just too triggering for them. So while there is certainly hope, and some people with BPD can learn to mitigate their dysregulation to the point where they can be functional partners, it is not as simple as making ultimatums that scare them into attending therapy and then assuming that they will improve. As stated before, they need to take accountability and want to become healthy, and there is no amount of prodding (at least in my experience) that will make this happen unless it comes from within themselves. So while I think that ultimatums or living apart can be a catalyst for getting the BPD person to access therapy and/or medication, which is obviously a positive thing, if they are not very committed to working on themselves, which can be a painful and difficult process, they are not likely to heal at a level that you will be able to live with. 

I find it difficult to cry, even when I feel like it might do me some good.  I feel like I can’t have many honest emotions anymore. 

Welcome. That sounds exhausting.

What’s so apparent isn’t just the jealousy, it’s the cycle. The accusations every week, the checking, the fights, and then having to prove something that hasn’t happened. That would wear anyone down.

Being in a long-distance relationship can certainly bring about a fear of abandonment. But with BPD, that fear can be very real in the moment, even if it’s not happening.

One thing that can sometimes help is moving from a position of defending yourself to validating the feeling that’s underneath it.

~ “I can hear that you’re feeling scared right now. I care about you. I’m not cheating.”

It doesn’t mean you have to agree with the accusation. It just helps to bring the temperature down.

But more than that, the question isn’t whether you love her, it’s whether you and she are trying to work on the pattern together. Is she open to seeking help or finding tools to deal with the jealousy?

You’re not wrong to feel tired. That’s important data.

I have been with my BPD girlfriend for several years. She is also extremely jealous. We have a long distance relationship. She is constantly checking on me and every week or so, accuses me on cheating on her and picks fights. I have never cheated on her and never will. But in her mind, she is convinced otherwise.
I am totally exhausted by having to reassure her that I care a lot about her and am not cheating or planning to leave her. But honestly, a part of me thinks that I should leave her and put an end to all the meaningless fights and sleepless nights.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Thank you!

When I finally decided I'd had enough after her worst outburst, I stayed away from our usual haunt for a couple of months so that I wouldnt be tempted to re-engage - though I knew this time was different and I really was never chasing her again.

It actually came as a huge relief over those couple of months because, though I missed the few good times we'd had, it felt great not be out with her and waiting for the inevitable rage burst to come. I went out with my lifelong friends and it did me good to have normality again.

I adjusted pretty quickly into life without her and the constant living on a razor's edge of emotional turmoil. You simply reach a point where you suddenly 'wake up' and see the bad far outweighs the good and you don't want a lifetime of that. You no longer think 'I'll give them another chance' you just want out.