Fiveringleader,
Welcome, you will find support and encouragement here from others who truly understand. What is so clear by your post is that you are a loving and involved Mom. I have an adult son wubpd so my current situation is much different. His years from teen to young adult were very turbulent with running away, self harm suicidal thoughts, bullying, violent relationships.... All that to say he has a younger brother who has lived in the wreckage and fallout. It's admirable that you have the whole family in therapy.  As far as moving the needle I'd say take care of yourself too. Whatever gives you stress relief make time for it. Also, continue to share your struggles and worries here.
I'll be praying for you and your family. 

NotWendy,

Thanks so much.

I realize than my son can’t do much, and neither can I. In addition, my H would never consent to any sort of testing, etc.  He’s “Terrific!”  He claims, “There’s nothing wrong with me” — At least there’s nothing wrong that he will  admit to.  His confession that night was done in a rare moment of clarity.   

I understand — He’s entitled to his autonomy.  I just pray that he doesn’t hurt anyone.  I also hope he doesn’t follow through with these car trips. So far, the one for tonight doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

JazzSinger

Councils on Aging are great sources of advice. I also called adult social services. Even though I coudn't intervene- it was helpful to know what resources are there. Their advice was at no charge.

If you can get a court order, great.

My father did accidentally hit another car. Fortunately nobody was hurt, and I hoped this would be what got him to stop. However, my parents consulted an attorney and somehow got Dad's driving privileges restored.

If your son becomes power of attorney in the case it is ever needed- he also needs to know what the legal aspect of this is too- to protect himself. Facilities are known to want family to sign and take on the costs, but there could be resources like Medicaid for that and a power of attorney does not have to take that on.

Where he can be of help as POA is to help a parent with keeping up with bills, and other functions, and in the case the parent isn't able to make decisions, help with that. As long as my mother was legally competent, being POA did not override her decisions.

P.S.

I had another thought.  You might try contacting your local senior center.  My guess is this sort of situation happens all the time.  They might give you advice, as well as tips on alternate transportation services.

I agree.  For therapy to help, a bond must be built and trust has to be earned.  On the other hand, the therapist cannot risk entering into a friend zone relationship.

Hi Jazz,

Good to hear from you again.  The driving situation sounds dangerous indeed.  I'd say you don't drive with him anymore unless you're behind the wheel yourself.

You could offer to arrange for alternate transportation, such as an Uber.  You might also consider initiating a process to have him medically evaluated for driving.  I imagine that you could contact your local DMV for advice.  They could give him a road and vision test.

If all that fails and your husband still listens to you, you could try to convince him not to drive at night anymore.  I've encouraged my elderly mom to limit night driving as much as possible.

Look, I had a similar situation in my extended family (ex BIL).  He had many near-misses while transporting his kids in his car.  He has several dings on his car, and he'll get lost on familiar routes, such as when picking up his kids at their school.  Eventually, family court removed his ability to drive his kids.  I bet that interviews with the kids about the near-misses and getting lost had some weight, together with his alarming physical condition as described in his medical reports.  I think his license should have been suspended, but the court didn't go that far.  Nevertheless, his physical deterioration is severe enough that I think he relies on others (his mom, his brother, Uber) to drive him everywhere anyway.

Just my two cents.

I think it's fine to call your son. He'd want to know. However, I don't know how much either of you could intervene. If it were possible, you'd have more ability than he does.

I recall having similar concerns about my parents. Dad didn't have BPD or dementia, but he was ill and it was getting harder for him to drive. He may not have wanted to drive but since he was the one who drove, and BPD mother didn't- she wanted him to. You know how it is to not go along with that, and so he did.

During this time, I called social services because I was concerned about the decisions my parents were making and BPD mother's behavior- mainly for their safety. The response was that as long as they were considered legally competent, there was nothing I could do.

Legally competent means they can pass a mental status test- knowing who they are, where they are, and questions like that. So one can have BPD and even early dementia and still not be considered legally incompetent. One can be legally competent to make their own decisions, even if we think these decisions aren't good ones.

Later on, when BPD mother was making reckless decisions, her family encouraged me to speak to an elder care attorney. It was basically the same and she explained the process of having BPD mother declared legally incompetent. This would have to go to court. She would need a full neuropsych evaluation presented to the court, and possibly witnesses to attest to her capacity. If she were already under care for a dementia diagnosis, there may have been another way, but she was not. The costs and time wouldn't be worth it as her medical providers' opinions were that she was still legally competent and it wouldn't be a case.

Elder rights and autonomy are well defended as they should be, to keep the elderly from being exploited. But in your situation and mine- there was no intent to exploit- it was concern for safety. It's understandable that an elderly person will resist losing autonomy and driving is a part of that and also understandable to be concerned about someone's driving- but from what I know, the law protects autonomy.

For your son, I would caution to keep him from the Karpman triangle dynamics. My naively trying to "rescue" too much resulted in BPD mother getting angry at me, much like your H would get angry as well. Still, I would have wanted to know about my parents' health conditions, but I didn't have the ability or power to intervene, and he possibly won't either.

What you can do, if he is willing to do this, and you trust your son, is to make him power of attorney to make decisions for you in the event you ever aren't able to. If your H is willing to do this for him as well he could do this for his father too. He may not be able to do this now, and hopefully not ever, but it's some peace of mind to know someone you trust can.

Hi there,

The push/pull, hot/cold, apologetic/accusatory cycle sounds very much like BPD.  I highlighted a couple of things that stand out to me in your post.  I notice that your girlfriend seems happy when she's relaxed.  It seems to me she's relaxed when her adult obligations and responsibilities abate, such as when she has time to hang out in your home all day, and when her son is in summer camp.  She might have felt like she was on summer vacation!  And that's when you see her good side.

The pwBPD in my life really likes to be "in transition," between obligations such as going back to school or starting a new job.  She really likes to be on long-term "vacation," with barely any responsibilities, living rent- and responsibility-free in someone else's home.  When she's not working, studying or helping out around the house, she seems happy from time to time.  She spends most of her days napping and in front of screens.  But the second she has some obligations, such as starting a job, finding a new place to live, helping someone else for an hour, or facing an unexpected expense or unfamiliar administrative process, she feels totally overwhelmed.  And when she's stressed/confused/required to work, she's very irritable and seems barely able to function.  She typically lashes out over nothing, picks fights, acts passive-aggressively and dredges up past grievances that have absolutely nothing to do with the current situation.  Does that ring any bells?  She'll blame the people closest to her for making her feel this way.  You're not paying enough attention to her.  You're not giving her enough money.  You're not helping her.  You're not recognizing the distress she feels (as a mind-reader would), and she feels aggrieved.  She's basically tired out, scared, stressed, feeling incompetent, feeling overwhelmed, feeling unloved, not the center of attention, not doted on enough.  Then her negative thinking takes over.  She assumes that any second you're not with her or paying attention to her, it's because you're into someone else.  She doesn't care that you have a job and need to make money--she doesn't understand why you can't "drop everything" to attend to her needs while you're working.  She demands constant "proof" that you put her first, as if all the nice things you've done for her in the past aren't proof enough, and she's completely forgotten them.

Another issue I've seen with the pwBPD in my life is wildly unrealistic expectations.  She wants a fantasy-type life, but not put in the effort to achieve it.  She demands too much devotion from friends.  She wants expensive things, without really understanding how unaffordable they are.  She wants what she wants NOW.  If she can't get her needs met immediately, she tends to give up, and then lash out at the people closest to her for failing to meet her needs.  She adopts a victim mindset, thinking that everything is other people's fault.  And the sad part is, this victim mindset keeps her stuck in a negative thinking rut for a very long time.

My advice?  Try not to take her lashing out personally, hard though that may be.  Typically her anger will be misplaced.  Even she will admit that sometimes, that she doesn't really understand what she's upset about.  Or maybe she understands, but she's too ashamed to admit it.  I think she feels intensely insecure, incompetent and shameful for lashing out at you.  She feels worthless, like she doesn't deserve you.  And so she might preempt a break-up from you by breaking up with you first.  Sometimes she'll misinterpret something you did and make you out to be a monster.  That's disordered BPD thinking, which sees things as extremes, all black or all white.  She takes everything uber-personally and feels hurt, and she's letting you know how much she hurts inside.  It doesn't make sense unless interpreted from a purely emotional standpoint. 

It’s been a while since my last post. 

I’m detached from my HwuBPD and his  constant complaints, criticisms, and overall negativity, but I can’t detach from the dementia, especially when the lives of others are involved.

A few nights ago, my H expressed concern over his driving. He said he almost hit someone, TWICE. The last time was such a close call that other pedestrians were cursing and yelling at him, and the woman he almost hit was doing the same. He said he still has nightmares about it.  He also told me about several near collisions, and many other near misses.  He said he’s a nervous wreck on highways, yet his favorite little spot is 2 highways away. He said he was seriously considering cutting back on the little driving he does now.

Then, just a day later, he did a Complete 360.  He’s saying none of the near misses were his fault — it was all the fault of the other person. Then, he began planning two car trips, both very soon, and at night.  I pleaded with him and told him I feared for his safety and the safety of others. He got angry with me! I backed off.

I can remember pre-Covid and early post Covid, when his driving was already slipping.  (Did I mention he only has one eye? The other is a prosthesis). There were times when he couldn’t distinguish a red light from green or amber. I get it — The sun can do that. But what if I hadn’t been in the car? He would also unknowingly run red lights, and deny it. He got dings in the car, and very small dents, when I wasn’t around. Not to mention driving while watching his favorite judge show on the dashboard.

But now, he’s much worse. I don’t even get in the car with him anymore. I don’t feel safe with him behind the wheel. 

I’m concerned, but I can’t control him.  If I take away his keys, he will argue and fight, and I will lose. I can’t contact the authorities— He hasn’t hurt anyone yet. He comes back in one piece, every time, so far.

Best I can do is pray, and call our son. He should know about this. It’s time. I was managing the uBPD, but this is too much for me. 

Jazz