Hi there,

Based on the tone of your post, I'd say you want to support your sibling and you should try to do that.  Now, you can't control what your mom does, but if you think she wants the same as you (i.e. to support your sibling), then it's possible that she could keep her act together to achieve that goal.  You're right, getting into the various reasons for going no-contact isn't appropriate at a family event like the one you describe . . . and my hope would be that everyone would decide to be the "bigger person" and put their differences aside for the duration of the event, while treating everyone with civility and respect.  If you think that's possible, then I'd say, you go support your sibling.

Other possibilities here would be to talk to your sibling, and say something like, "I really want to support you at your big event, but I'm fearful that issues between me and Mom could detract from that.  I'm prepared to do whatever you think is best."  Maybe that means, coming to the event and hanging close to a neutral person as a "buffer," or possibly "popping in" for a short visit to minimize direct contact with your Mom, or maybe (if there are seating assignments), working out with your brother a low-contact seating arrangement.  In the most dramatic case, maybe that means your brother understands that you're going to decline to participate in the big event, but that you show your support in another way, say at a side-event for the siblings only.  The big caveat here is whether your mom has enlisted your brother as an ally on "her" side, by inventing stories of victimization and ill treatment by you, creating a potentially toxic triangle.  If you think that's the case, then I wouldn't enter the triangle at all and wouldn't consult the brother about your concerns.

Notwendy brings up a good point, which is that some pwBPD can "hold themselves together" in front of people they want to impress.  If your mother is like that, and if the event is a situation where she wants to impress others, then I think you take the risk.  If she's like that, then I think you give her a quick hug, say "It's nice to see you," and then quickly re-focus the conversation on your sibling ("This is wonderful, I'm so happy for him.")  Then make a little excuse ("Oh, I've got to go say hello to cousin/I've got to freshen up, I'll catch up with you later") and then make your exit.

Look, I'm not sure how old you are, but when I was a young adult, there were times when I didn't contact my parents for weeks or months . . . not because I went LC, but just because I was busy and needed to break the "child" routine!  Initially, I'm sure my mom was "hurt" by that, because she really wanted ("needed") to talk to me every day, as she was somewhat emotionally clingy.  But eventually, we established a more "reasonable" amount of contact (for me at least), with a half-hour call, two or three times a month.  But before getting there, I had to break her of the habit of calling me all the time (e.g. at 7 am on Saturdays and during working hours).  That's a long-winded way of saying, I think that going NC or LC with parents in early adulthood is normal, because you have your adult life to live!  While not talking to your mom since August is a lengthy break, it's not unheard of, and it could be completely justified ("I've been really tied up with work and studies, I didn't realize it has been that long").  I guess that's why on these boards, when it comes to NC or LC, I generally recommend sending pwBPD a short greeting on critical days, such as Christmas or a birthday, just as a civil and kind gesture of acknowledgement, provided that you're feeling up for it.

I'll close with another idea for you regarding logistics.  I've found that when visiting with difficult family members, it's best if I arrange for my own hotel room and transportation.  I'll usually decline invitations from a host with a reply like, "You've already got a lot on your plate / I don't want to impose / I've got hotel points that are about to expire," etc.  If I have my own hotel room and car/Uber, then I'm not reliant on anyone else, and if I need space, I can take it.  By the same token, pwBPD tend to feel overwhelmed by the stress of events like the one you describe, so if they can retreat to their own quarters, without having to worry about YOUR meals/lodging/transportation, that takes some stress out of the situation.  I'd say, even though it's a little expensive, you go ahead and book your own hotel room and rental car.  Think of it as emotional insurance for a potentially stressful event.

Just my two cents.

I didn't want to say too much about your mother but she's a part of this too. This may be the family dynamic she grew up with.

Most of my mother's FOO are not disordered but I have heard people talk about distant family members not speaking to each other, for reasons I don't know.

There was a time when BPD mother was angry at me and they aligned with her and didn't communicate with me. I will admit, - that was difficult. I cried alot over it but I stepped away from drama with them.

Eventually, they did reconnect with me, and I decided I would not talk to them about her- not triangulate. Eventually we did discuss her in the context of the issues in her elder years- they were concerned about her, so I kept them informed but this was not triangulating. I also decided to not triangulate with her about other family members.

I kept in mind that anything I said to anyone in her circle would be shared with her.

This is why I think your mother being the go between is perpetuating your D's distance with you. She is actually communicating with you, and hears about you through your mother. She doesn't need to contact you directly.

"Keep your cards to yourself". Stepping off the triangle is a silent decision, not a reaction. It's a decision to not share as much personal or emotional content in order to lessen the drama. If you are venting to your mother, and your D is- mother's  the go between. Don't say anything about what you are doing, just take the emotion down. Focus on you and your own activities.

PwBPD's seem to gravitate to drama. The less you are involved in it, the less they are inclined to keep it up, at least with you.

I think this is one of the complications of going NC. Does going NC require avoiding other family members or events?

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. It's what you think you can manage. NC, and how long to keep NC, is a personal decision, as is what family events to go to.

I did not go NC with my BPD mother, for several reasons but one of them was that, other family members were connected to her and I still wanted a relationship with them. LC was the choice I could manage better.

LC isn't only about frequency of contact. It's also the emotional content of the contact, choosing what to share, what not to share, and avoiding emotionally charged exchanges.

#1 decision is- can you hold it together at this event, no matter what your mother does? It could go either way with her. For my BPD mother, she was more inclined to hold it together in front of extended family and friends at an event. PwBPD may also act up, escalate, during big events but she was more likely to do this when it was just with me or immediate family.

If it were me, and I decided to go, I would give her a hug and act as if all is normal. I would not want to get into anything at a family event, and also I would want to keep the event focused on your brother. I would also make sure I was not alone with her, so there's no opportunity to get into a discussion and so you can feel emotionally safer. Keep someone with you at all times, even if you are going to the ladies' room- find a cousin or friend to go with you.

Have a way to get to a safe place if something starts up. Shorten your visit if you attend, don't stay in the same place as your mother does.

If seeing your mother will be too traumatic for you,then don't attend. Your emotional well being is priority here.

You've gotten some good advice from other posters. Although we can not possibly know all that goes on in someone else's relatioship, or say what someone should do, I saw something in your posts you may want to consider.

Growing up in a family where there is disorder, children can learn behaviors that are adaptive in that family but are actually disfunctional, even if they don't have a disorder. You have mentioned the freezing/fawning response. Another is difficulty with boundaries, and also with saying "no". It is good you are working with a counselor to make changes with these behaviors.

Boundaries are not something we look to another person to do. They are a core value, a knowing of who we are and who we aren't. They determine our response to situations that may violate or challenge your boundaries. They are what we stand for and they can be individual- not something we judge as right or wrong.

There's a song, by Meatloaf, with the line "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that". He doesn't define what "that"is.  Each person defines their own "that". It's a boundary.

Ten years with this person- you have moved to her country, moved in with her family, made all kinds of compromises. But in all these years, there is the one thing you will not do, and that is marry. But you are looking at this as if this is something you need to fix, as if there's something wrong with not doing it, as if you need to fix the relationship so you can do it, but what if this is something to listen to, not to fix?

Boundaries are who we are. Not something wrong. Marriage is a choice. It's not wrong to not want to marry someone. It seems you might be pathologizing this- but it's not. We choose to marry or not marry. There doesn't have to be something wrong with either person to not want to marry them.

We also can choose what values we want in the person we marry. For some, it might be on the basis of religion, or culture, or common goals, or personal traits. It's not wrong to make a decision according to our own values and goals or even preferences. It's an individual decision.

Marriage also doesn't change the other person. Whatever issues are there before marriage will be there after. In 10 years, I think you have seen this relationship as it is. The bottom line is that you can decide about this.

What is complicating the situation is the circumstances.  In your situation it seems your ability to say "yes" or "no" may be compromised. You are in her country, living with her parents, and saying "no" would have consequences, even possibly harmful ones to you.

I like Tel- Hill's suggestion of a vacation back home, alone, where you are able to be by yourself and to think clearly.

As to what to say about a trip home, in abusive relationships, the person is advised to not say too much, Saying you are going to visit your family back home is all that needs to be said. It's the actual truth at the moment.  For now, you are giving yourself a place where you feel emotionally safe and can hear your own thoughts.

BPD is a disorder where the closest people get the brunt of the angst and emotional impact.  Perhaps that's why your daughter - with such a close connection to you - has been so supercharged emotionally with you for so long and yet not quite as much with her other relatives.

Yes, it doesn't make common sense but who expects that when mental illness is involved?

As you are the only sibling to have gone NC with your mother, it might be wise to first see your siblings in another venue without your mother. It would be a good idea to get an idea if your siblings are going to side with your mother which could make the special event with your brother very uncomfortable for nearly everyone there. If you are willing to tolerate the ambiguity of now knowing what is going to happen, then by all means go.

I went NC with my sibling with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). My large extended family mostly sided with her. I did choose to go to the Celebration of Life of a close relative. I went because I really wanted to be there. I could not have anticipated how many flying monkeys would side with my sister. I was able to socialize with some of the relatives of my cousins who treated me well. Is there anybody you can be with at the event if you are treated badly by most of the family?

As far as your mother goes, do you think she will insist on interacting with you? Would it make sense just to pretend you are okay with her, only when you have to be at the same event she is at? Would you be able to keep the interaction brief or would your mother likely make a scene?

 

Hello!

It's been a long time since my last check-in. I've gone NC with my uBPD mom, which started last August. It's been a very good change for me, though not without grief, shame and fear of the future. I have a family event coming up in support of my brother. I don't talk to him often, but the event is significant enough for him that my instinct is to support him by going. Most of my siblings will likely go, including my mom. Do I go and ignore her? Do I go, give her a quick hug (pretend like everything is fine in that quick moment) and then ignore her the rest of the time? I do not want the nature of our relationship to change. I do not want to address why I went NC. Do I decide not to go and support my brother from afar to avoid her? The thought of being in her presence at all fills me with severe dread and anxiety. Though I am the only sibling who has gone NC, my brother will likely understand why I would not want to go, though he may be a bit hurt. I am just thinking about all the future events whereby I will have to navigate this same scenario, and it feels impossible.

What have others done in this situation? Thank you for any thoughts you have 

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this and so many others here have the same story. 

For me, it was my BPD ex-wife leaving me and turning my non-BPD daughter against me in the process.  Luckily, we rekindled our relationship a few years later, but it completely broke me when I couldn't see my grandchild due to my ex's words and actions.  It's a terrible pain and it was very difficult to overcome.

For your situation, why does this have to be an either/or type of scenario?  Couldn't your mom have a relationship with your daughter while you don't?  That may seem too complicated today, but hopefully things will work themselves out in time. 

Or do you live with your mother?  Maybe that's why it's so tough.

In any case, you must do what's best for you and your mental health.  While the goal should be a relationship with your daughter and your grandson, there has to be healthy boundaries in place so you're not accepting abuse or being the eternal rescuer.  Your mom has to accept that as well- mom can do whatever mom wants to do, but she also has to respect you while doing it.

It's so tough because we want to love, provide, and rescue our kids.  But with BPD, that love can quickly turn into enablement, manipulation, and abuse.  Hopefully you're learning not to take it so personally- this is not a "you problem" as much as it is a mental health problem and disordered thinking.

BPDs always have a favorite person (or a small group of favorite people).  They see them as perfect people who never do any wrong, and they completely believe that...until they do something wrong.  Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect.  Eventually, the BPD will realize that their favorite person is not who they thought they were (again, because nobody is perfect) and over time, they will turn on them.  At some point, they become a horrible person who is out to hurt them, and they never do anything right.

BPDs deal in absolutes so much more than the average person.  Someone is all good or all bad.  They're always kind or always mean.  They always do this, but never do that.  The list goes on and none of this is sound thinking because always/never isn't real.

Now, here's where you come in.  If you're in the "always bad" category, then you were likely once in the "always good" category before that and one of her favorite people.  Something changed due to mental illness, just like it always changes.  And since she always has to have favorite people, the relatives she used to hate are suddenly seen as good and friend-worthy.  This will continue until another shift happens- maybe she gets mad at the cousin or grandma. 

Then all of a sudden, she needs someone to talk bad to about grandma and she tries to reconnect with you.  If you're receptive, then maybe you're back to being "all good" while grandma is an evil bully.  This cycle continues throughout a BPDs life.

Thank YOU!  That was very powerful and helpful information and I am going to take it to heart!  I have zero doubt my mother LOVES her (that is a good word for it) RESCUER role!