I finally talked to my mom about the situation and it was nothing I had expected, my momis fine... My niece had decided to spill the beans on how we talked about this whole bridesmaid situation before (1 day before) I had talked to them as a group about telling them both to stand down. I had spoken to my niece to gage how my sister would react and then now it is more so how I couldn't talk to my sister and how she now thinks I put her in a bad spot with her daughter because I can talk to her and not my sister... so that is the latest.
I want to point out something- not as a criticism- because I did it myself and when someone pointed this out to me- I understood it better and was able to make some changes.
It's triangulation. Read about the Karpman triangle dynamics.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
This is a common pattern in relationships in dysfunctional families. Your sister is the one with BPD but this situation involves all members of the family who may take on different roles in the triangle. It's so much a part of the family dynamics that people aren't aware of what they are doing- it's the normal in that family.
The pwBPD is in Victim perspective. Other family members may be rescuers or persecutors. People can change roles depending on the situation.
One way this plays out is- your sister is upset over something you did or didn't do (it may not even be anything, just how she thinks) (Victim) vents to your mother. You are in Persecutor position. Mother takes on Rescuer.
Or you say something to your niece. Niece tells her mother (your sister). Keep in mind, sister is in Victim perspective. Sister perceives you as Persecutor, vents to other family members who then align with her as Rescuer.
There's no way to change another person's thinking. What your sister does isn't OK and it's not fair. Defending yourself to another family member puts you on the "triangle" too as they now have to choose your "truth" or hers.
Mothers don't really want to "choose" between their children. Family members also don't want to be in a position to choose. They may "default" enable the child with dysfunction, perhaps because they want to keep the peace overall and that child is the more difficult one. It isn't fair but families with disorder try to maintain balance in some way.
A valuable way of looking at this pattern in the family is to see it as a pattern and not personal to you. It will be less hurtful to you if you see it this way.
Another value to understanding this is to see that it doesn't change the situation for the better. One part of this pattern is that when someone jumps into the triangle, it's a no win situation, it ends up with you being the one your sister sees as Persecutor.
My approach to this was to work at not getting involved in the triangle dynamics. It's a hard concept to see and understand at first but one step for me was to not speak to a family member about another family member with the hope of gaining their support for my point of view. This doesn't mean not talking to them about your feelings or a situation but to do so with keeping your clarity about your intentions in mind. I also kept in mind that whatever I said to a family member was possibly going to be shared with BPD mother.
I think it's good that you spoke to your mother about your feelings- you did this not to triangulate but to keep the connection with her. This was not Karmpan triangle. This way she can understand your situation. However, she still may not wish to take sides and will listen to both you and your sister.
I understand the fear of "losing" relationships with family members. BPD mother also said things about me to other people that weren't true. Some of them believed her, and took her side. I felt that if I told them a different story, they'd have to see that one of us wasn't telling the truth. They may not believe me or it would appear I was talking badly about my mother.
I did grieve over the loss of connection with some family members but also thought- can we really lose something that wasn't there to begin with? If the cost of a relationship with someone is to appease my BPD family member, if I am fearful of what they think of me- is that really a relationship based on the kind of connection I want?
When around family members like this, I was polite and cordial. However, I also accepted their own relationship limits and dynamics. Maybe they were doing the best they can. Sometimes there's more than one dysfunctional person in a family.
However you do have your own "village". You have a fiance who loves and supports you and you have step children. Of course you want your family in your life to the extent they can be, or that you can manage. It's possible that NC with your sister is the best way for you to do that. Other family members will make their choices too. Your fiance chose you.


