I want to share some observations from my own experience that may give you some insight into this behavior. It may be that there isn't a solution for it, due to the emotions that drive it- it is a repetitive behavior that may be driven by emotional needs.

While you can and should have boundaries with this, because it is emotionally taxing to do it all the time, understanding why it happens might help you to decide on them.

You are each coming from different perspectives on what is going on and your SO may not even be fully aware of why they are doing this. You, being logical, see this from a problem solving perspective. Your SO brings up a concern or issue- your approach- suggest a solution. That would help if the actual reason for bringing this up was to seek a solution and maybe that is part of the reason but there's another reason and the solution doesn't address that, so the solution is rejected or criticized and they get upset, because it doesn't. However, they may not be aware of why this isn't the solution they seek. Since you are thinking logically, this doesn't make sense to you and it's frustrating.

There could also be an emotional need on your part to help solve her dilemma. You want to be helpful, nice, and a good person, most people do if they help someone, so when this is rejected and turned around, it's demoralizing.

My BPD mother had a large emotional need for emotional caretaking and while this was an aspect of her closest relationships, it was an aspect of all of them in some way. Her needs were so paramount for her, it was how she related to people, from her victim perspective- and she'd enlist them somehow as helping her in some way. Most people, being nice and decent people, would agree and that became a basis for friendships and other connections, until they would reach their limit, or say something like "this is your issue", (and they'd be immediately painted black for that), or they'd just drop the relationship. As family- we couldn't really do that. It wasn't just with advice, it was getting people to do things for her. The requests might be ordinary and reasonable or not, but people were more likely to agree to do ordinary and reasonable ones- and this still met an emotional need.

BPD mother would frequently ask me for advice and then reject it. One boundary I had was that if it wasn't in my area of expertise, I'd say "I don't know but your doctor/nurse/accountant/banker etc does know", directing the question to them. She seemed to be frustrated sometimes with this but it also was a boundary on being asked for advice on things when someone knows better than I do. If it's emotional advice- I'd say "you know Mom, I'm not a therapist and I think one can have a better explanation for that than I can" rather than "you need therapy". FWIW- she had therapy but didn't have the insight to her own behavior that would be needed for that kind of transformation. BPD is on a spectrum so some people might respond in this way better than others.

Here's a situation where this was more obvious. We were visting and she wanted one of my kids- at this point a teen, to take her trash can out to the curb for pick up. So she asked me where the teen was- and that child was busy, so I said "I can take it out for you".  Her reply was "No, I want that child to take it out". That's when I could see that the actual want was not just the trash, even though it's a completely normal request to ask a teen ager to do it.

I then took out the trash can out and she flew into a rage, running after me, yelling at me that I didn't put it exactly on the curb where she wants it, making me move it to where she did want it and being angry at me in general.

She didn't just want the trash out. She wanted my child to do it as an act of emotional caretaking for her. That's not a teen ager's role to do so, and this is why I intervened. In ordinary circumstances, I'd expect my teen to take the trash out for a grandmother, but this was something else.

One clue to why this happens is that it happens when your SO is dysregulated. Dysregulations don't respond to logic or solutions. They want emotional caretaking to help them regulate. How much you choose to do this and when not to do this might be where to look for your boundary.



 

I think this sort of underlines the issue with self-diagnosing behavioral disorders or mental issues altogether; maybe some cases are fairly obvious, but there's a lot more nuance to it that an experienced professional would be familiar with.

We all probably display traits that if persistent, could be just about any mental illness, but they don't control us, like they would a person who had that condition on a full-blown basis. 

I think most of us know the line about not telling a pwBPD we suspect they are BPD because it will only backfire.  So we don't and try to manage the situation as best we can; but ironically, pwBPD don't have any qualms about projecting their own issues on everyone around them... so while you have the non-disordered party walking on eggshells, the BPD partner is going around loudly claiming their partner is a narcissist, an abuser, selfish, etc.

I noticed whenever BPDxw caught me looking in a mirror, combing my hair, adjusting my collar, etc. even if it was in the morning and I was getting ready for work, she would make some sarcastic comments about how beautiful I looked and claim I was a narcissist who was in love with himself.  It made me self-conscious about it for a while, until I remembered who I was dealing with.  It's OKAY to comb your hair, adjust your collar, tuck your shirt in, and make yourself look nice.  Not everyone who does that is a narcissist!

I really feel this. I'm sorry for all the loss and hurt you're experiencing. When I broke up with my partner, our interactions afterwards surprised me - on the one hand, I told myself I shouldn't be surprised because I'd seen incredibly rough behavior in our relationship. But on the other hand, this was my first such relationship/break up, and I wanted to do very understandable things like seek understanding, reconciliation, and even stand up for myself, like you mentioned yourself. It's very hard to hold both the grief of the relationship ending, and the necessary evaluation/preservation in dealing with BPD behaviors. I hold out hope for myself, I hope you feel some too. I know I ended the relationship because I believe I can experience love with the type of reciprocity and care I desire. Breaking up and moving through the difficulty is the first step.

The hard part for me is that my PWBPD wants me to give them advice and answer questions when they’re disregulated and if my answers aren’t correct, I get attacked, which frustrates me which makes me even more awful in their eyes.   Because my SO doesn’t get nuance and latches on to words they want to hear as what they feel others believe, I don’t want to simply agree with my SO on something I don’t agree on. I know that my SO will remember my agreement with them for all eternity and bring it up each time I say what I really feel. 

My SO wants that agreement so badly.  When they feel a certain way, they hold on to things others have said (or possibly make them up or skew them heavily) to anchor that belief, even when the belief itself is what is harming them.   The problem is that their other mental health issues that they want my advice on can only be fixed by recognizing that faulty thinking.   In the end, any attempts to point out how the faulty thinking is the root of their mental health issues they want to get over results in them thinking they’re being attacked and invalidated. 

So “please help fix my problem” is followed by “no, not that way.” 

And there is no recognition that other people are struggling with things, want to help but are tired of being painted black, or even that 24/7 deregulation has ripple effects beyond them. 

I just wish I knew how to set a boundary calmly that said “I cannot always handle dealing with this  whenever you go down these paths of gloom and doom”.  I sometimes need space and time and a safe word when I don’t see our discussions going down a wrong path.

I also don’t know how to respond to gloom and doom with validation that doesn’t sound like I’m not sincere or that will actually soothe the Immediate problem. 

I have highlighted the parts that, I think are important for you to do, based on my own experiences with my own BPD mother. My parents didn't separate, and so I stayed with both of them, and even in this situation, experienced some of the things your children have with their mother, including being blamed for things, her self harm threats and attempts and the financial strains.

It isn't possible to predict how a child will turn out, but just as your worries are one possibility, the future isn't predictable. It doesn't sound like you ex is a cabable mother. She may not be able to sustain parenthood. She may actually give up parenting at some point, and IMHO- that may hurt their feelings in the moment but in the long run, may be a good thing- if you are there as the stable parent.

In your current situation, there's nothing you can do to act on your ex and this situation but what you can do is to get yourself to a better place and position to be the stable father in their lives. And as someone who observed my own father "lose himself" in this kind of relationship- I would implore you to do this- for you and for the sake of your kids- when and if ( and I think once you get to a good place- it's a when), they can have a relationship with you.

Keep living for you, because the better you are for you, the better you are for them and anyone else. Your kids need you to be the best you can be, and for you to have happiness and stability. You are not replacable to them, no matter what your ex says or does.

I agree with FD to get counseling- many here have needed it, and it does help. The new job training is excellent. Also your physical health- do the medical steps to be at your best, so you feel at your best. Keep your own behavioral slate clean- no conflict with the law, no substances, no other romantic partners, and take any recommended parenting/anger management classes needed for a parental reunification. Your record of stability will stand in contrast to your ex's behavior in the legal arena when that time may come.



 

The distress you feel is precisely why this site exists.  We too have "been there, experienced that".

Read again the responses to this thread, there are clear options and steps for you to consider.

You are in clear need of local support too.  Seek help from local counselors or therapists.  If you feel you can't afford professional help, ask them if they have a sliding scale for persons who have limited resources.  You can get through this dark time!

There was a last outstanding situation with uBPDx, which has hopefully come to a close.

There was some money we were jointly responsible for, which had been donated towards a mutual aid/charitable project.

After the separation, uBPDx took $1000 of the money. He didn't mention he'd spent it until I said I would crosscheck records with the donor. He said he would pay it back, but would not say when or what he had spent it on. This was, to say the least, dodgy. We had previously discussed using some of the money for the needs of people involved in the mutual aid project (eg, health or legal expenses), as either a gift or a loan depending on the circumstances. This was emphatically not the same as simply taking cash without saying anything and refusing to explain when asked.

When questioned about this, uBPDx said at different times and to different people:

- that I knew what the money had been spent on, and had approved it
- that I had no right to ask what the money had been spent on or to 'control' him by demanding to know
- that the money had been spent on visa expenses, which would be refunded to him as part of the visa process
- that he was working to save up to pay it back.

These narratives are obviously not consistent or reconcilable.

Anyway, uBPDx has just paid back the money. I don't know what he actually spent it on and nor do I need to. I know enough to know that this is not a person to be entrusted with responsibility involving money or anything else.

I also think this is consistent with my perception of uBPDx as someone who creates chaos and engages in dishonesty and manipulation, not from malice, but out of desperation and dysregulation.

This doesn't make him any less harmful and I have no desire to be in is orbit. I do not want this chaos in my life and I hope it is over.

 

PeteWitsend, this is a very accurate characterisation. What I've come to realise is that unfortunately, the first scenario isn't necessarily any less harmful than the second one, as a relative lack of malice is more than compensated for by greater chaos and instability. A pure evil manipulator can be somewhat stable and predictable, and can be reasoned with based on self-interest. A chaos-agent is simply reacting, and will detonate themselves and everyone around them when the dysregulation hits.

The 'loving and affectionate' fiance and the 'mean, violent and uncaring' stranger are the same person. Both these experiences are equally real and both have bearing on what you can expect if the relationship continues. The choice to send ambiguous and destabilising signals through Cashapp requests, rather than reaching out directly, also says something about this person's mental state and their willingness to confront and face problems at this time.

Do you think things are likely to get better under these circumstances?

Sending you care and strength from afar.

Thank you for your response.

I have photos and messages that raise serious concerns about my ex-partner’s treatment of our daughter, including evidence of physical mistreatment, suicide threats, and photos/messages related to those incidents.

My ex-partner also searched for information about giving up her parental rights to our daughter, and she considered sending our daughter to boarding school. I could never understand how she could dislike her own daughter so much, and she often blamed herself by saying that she was a bad mother.

Our daughter was slapped and mistreated by her mother on multiple occasions. As a result, I began to see our daughter copying that behaviour towards her younger sister by slapping and bullying her. Watching this happen broke my heart. Whenever I told my ex-partner to stop treating our daughter that way, she did not listen, and the mistreatment continued.

There was also an incident where my ex-partner spent so much time getting herself ready in the morning that our daughter became late for school. She then became angry at our daughter and pushed her into a door, causing our daughter to hit her head and bleed.

I also observed a very unhappy and repeated pattern within my ex-partner’s family. Many of the women in her family had experienced multiple divorces, and there were situations involving husbands having affairs or maintaining two families. My ex-partner told her family that I was a violent and bad person, and that this was the reason she became the way she was. She also blamed our daughter’s behaviour on me. As a result, her mother also joined in criticising and blaming our daughter.

My ex-partner did not allow me to tell her family what was really happening. She threatened to kill herself if I spoke to them about the truth. I became increasingly trapped and isolated, unable to seek help from anyone.

When her suicide threats became more serious, I called the police. However, I felt that because she was a woman, the police did not take meaningful action and simply left the situation unresolved. I also took her to the emergency department after a suicide attempt, but she refused follow-up mental health treatment. Over the years, I asked her many times to seek counselling or psychiatric help, but in ten years she never received proper treatment.

Whenever I tried to talk to her seriously and resolve our issues, she would change the subject and never truly open up about what was going on inside. Looking back, it felt as though she interpreted everything only through her own emotions and was unable to accept the overall reality of the situation.

We kept fighting about the same problems over and over again. I became increasingly exhausted, stressed, and emotionally overwhelmed by her emotional ups and downs. Over time, I felt like I was losing myself.

After COVID, our financial situation became worse. I suggested that she find work, but she refused. Although she was capable of working, she did not make serious efforts to find a job. Because of this, I ended up doing physical labour instead, and I was injured. I now have a disability.

While I was doing physical work, I trusted her to manage my business, but she did not manage it properly. As a result, I have now lost my business and I am facing bankruptcy.

I have lost my family, my business, and my health. At the age of 38, I am now living with a disability and trying to rebuild my life by preparing for a new career. Every day, I am trying to stay strong and keep going. I am going through a very dark and painful tunnel, but I am choosing to stay alive because I want to return to my children one day.

I am extremely worried about how my children will live under the influence of my ex-partner’s family. From what I observed, her family background involved repeated patterns of poverty, unstable relationships, exploitation, sham marriages for visa purposes, marriages to much older men for immigration purposes, divorces, and children suffering mental health issues afterwards.

The more I think about it every day, the more painful and heartbreaking it becomes. Whenever I raised these concerns, her mother dismissed them and said that her daughter was still better than someone addicted to drugs or gambling, and that there was no real problem. They believe that my ex-partner became this way because I mistreated her.

However, my ex-partner had a history of self-harm and suicide threats even before she met me, including threatening suicide when previous relationships ended.

I now feel trapped in complete darkness. I do not know what I should do next, or how I am supposed to keep living through all of this.