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 81 
 on: April 28, 2026, 08:42:05 AM  
Started by sunnysunglasses - Last post by CC43
As for the moving out plan, I have started saving funds. . . . I’ve also taken the time to budget my monthly expenses and figure out what I can afford at the most at my current salary. It’s difficult but not entirely out of the question.

Sunny, that's fantastic.  Like they say, a goal without a plan is just a wish. I have a feeling you're going to make your dream come true, as long as you don't let your sister derail your plan!

If I had another piece of advice, I think it would be this:  you're young, and so you're just starting out.  While you can save up by cutting expenses, typically a faster way to save up is to boost your income.  Two straightforward options here are to get a promotion and/or work more hours.  Sometimes they go together:  if you work extra hours, you grow your skills faster, and it's easier to get promoted.  And when you earn the extra income, try not to let "lifestyle inflation" eat it all up.  Another tip is to try to find a work situation that offers what I call RUNWAY.  Basically, runway is the opposite of a dead-end job.  Runway is a clear path ahead for a takeoff--to a better job with better pay.  Ideally, the runway is wide, meaning you could take off in a couple of different directions (OPTIONALITY), and maybe land at another company (with your transferrable skills).  If your current situation doesn't offer any runway, you might think about finding it elsewhere.

I'm mentioning runway because the adult pwBPD in my life seems not to understand it one bit.  She's typically drawn to part-time, "easy" and "unstressful" employment situations, typically a micro business run by a lady or two--think boutique store or niche service situation.  The way I see that sort of job is, while it may be OK for the moment (a part-time job is better than NO job after all), there's no runway.  The small business owner has a tiny budget, there's no peer group, no training program, no benefits, no network, few clients, and, longer-term, no runway.  Generally speaking, I think a safer bet would be to start at a bigger, more established organization offering the opposite:  training, higher pay, benefits, a peer group, mentors, name recognition, quality projects, ample resources (e.g. technology), opportunities to hone transferrable skills, opportunities for professional growth and promotion, RUNWAY.

I'm not advocating finding a job solely to maximize income.  But money gives you options, which increases feelings of power and security--and ultimately, wellness.  I'm just trying to advise you to think smart (and work smart) about how to save up for your dream situation.

Just my two cents.

 82 
 on: April 28, 2026, 07:39:34 AM  
Started by Lifegivesyou26 - Last post by Lifegivesyou26
Hi everyone,

I was with my partner for 12 months until he said he needed to pull back from the emotional and intimate intensity. We cried together, he said he loved me but our life doesn’t align and he is scared to lose me and wants to be friends. I had a feeling he had been building a close relationship with a good friend and was pulling away from me to give himself energy to focus on her. The pull back was 2 weeks ago, and the depth of separation was deeper than I expected. Initially he still messaged me regularly but kept it surface, continued to check in but hope you’re okay vs how are you curiosity, then a few days gap, a 10 minute call and a lie that said he was on his way home but snap showed he was in an area he’d been at more often. He ended up staying there Friday to Sunday and has ghosted me since. I had previously set a boundary that because my emotions were so raw I needed to step back to safely heal if he was seeing someone else. He had reassured me but seeing all the pieces together I said I’m going to step back a little and look after myself but I will still be his friend in a low pressure way. The message didn’t get read, but I know he saw it. It’s been 5 days since no contact. I have checked in once a day in a light way but I am going to stop for now. I understood the risks going in, and I completely understand why. I had an amazing 11 months with him he was my best friend. It is such a confusing shock to the system to be discarded abruptly though. Psychosomatic symptoms and grief cycle have been intense.

Keen to hear experience on trying to maintain a low key friendship with someone after a rupture like this. That is if he chooses or has capacity to reconnect with me.

 83 
 on: April 28, 2026, 05:13:43 AM  
Started by zachira - Last post by Notwendy
I saw my disordered neighbor today and she said "hello". I ignored her. Dr Ramani a well known expert on NPD, talks about how giving second chances over and over again does not work because the narcissist never accounts for their bad behaviors, act like they never happened, and then start being abusive again. I genuinely like to forget past problems with a person, and continue to be nice to them. Not going to do that again with this neighbor as she uses my forgiveness to restart the abuse cycle.

It feels unatural to us to do this but I think you did the right thing.

 84 
 on: April 28, 2026, 05:09:20 AM  
Started by sunnysunglasses - Last post by Notwendy
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

I took water lifeguard classes. The first several lessons were about how to keep yourself safe. A main one was to not let the drowning person grab on to you. A drowing person is frantic and will grab on to you and push you down in an attempt to get air. They aren't being bad "bad" - they are frantic and want air.

If the person is a conscious adult, able to understand instructions- use something you can extend to them- a float, handle of a pool net- tell them to grab it and pull them in.

If none is available, we then practiced ways to hold on to them without them being able to grab on to us. We also learned ways to get out of the grip of someone who grabbed on to us.

I didn't go on to become a lifeguard, but was interested in learning about it and it also was a good lesson about helping in general and understanding our own abilities.

If you feel yourself emotionally drowning-- first get yourself to safety.

 85 
 on: April 28, 2026, 01:32:05 AM  
Started by sunnysunglasses - Last post by sunnysunglasses
We often quote the instructions given at the start of every air flight... "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to aid others, and follow the attendants' directions."

We can't help others if we haven't first ensured our own safety.

That's just the reality, so we mustn't feel guilty about putting ourselves first in such scenarios.

I’ve been thinking of that quote quite a bit. And thinking of my own versions with my therapists where I say our dynamic at home is like if I’m trying to keep them from drowning and surviving but meanwhile I’m barely breathing with my head just above water. I’m not emotionally and mentally equipped to do it anymore. To be fair I’m not always some altruistic selfless person. I get irritable, cranky, short and lazy or rebellious.

 86 
 on: April 28, 2026, 01:26:00 AM  
Started by sunnysunglasses - Last post by sunnysunglasses
P.S.

The pwBPD in my life shares that sort of thinking, which shows some narcissistic traits (on top of BPD).  I used to call it her "magical" thinking.  Granted, she's pretty, and that's a wonderful gift.  However, given her disordered BPD and narcissistic thinking, she believed she'd be "discovered" as a top model or top online influencer, and she dreamed of living a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle.  She seemed entitled to it, as if she expected others to make her wildest dreams come true, for example by setting her up in a luxe apartment and paying for her travel abroad.  Thus she set herself up to be continuously disappointed.  The disappointment quickly turned to anger, even rage, directed at others who failed to make these dreams come true for her.  Most of all, she refused to take responsibility for herself.  This looks like blaming others for ruining her life.  She's constantly mad that she doesn't get what she wants.  Now she wants plastic surgeries to change her physical features, and she has asked her dad to pay for them.  At one point it sounded like she expected him to pay as compensation for making her look the way she did.  And the irony is, I think she's beautiful, she shouldn't change a thing, and even if she did, she still wouldn't be a model, not even close.  She doesn't have the personality(!), and she's far too old, short and heavy (in model terms) anyway.  Plus she couldn't handle the lifestyle, with all the rejection, critiques and stressful routines.  She seems oblivious to the actual work that famous people do.  It's the classic black-and-white thinking, where she idealizes the Princess life while disparaging the lives of "normal" people.  Does that ring any bells?

The narcissim manifests in some beguiling ways.  One example is during a job search.  The pwBPD in my life seems to think that certain jobs are beneath her.  She doesn't want to start at the bottom; she wants to skip a few rungs and get paid a lot, and yet she doesn't want a "stressful" job, either.  Her resume lists more aspirations and exaggerated roles than actual accomplishments and credentials.  In some regards she lied outright on her resume (for example saying she was a candidate for an advanced degree without having taken any classes yet, let alone be accepted into a program).  But I suspect that in her mind, if she wants something, it's the truth?  Or maybe she thinks, everyone lies on their resume, and she should, too?  Her online profile lists "moving to New York," but she hasn't done anything to move to New York yet.  Does this sound like your Sis?  I think it's the magical, narcissistic thinking coming through.  There's some identity confusion as well.

It would almost be funny how similarly these two PWBPD seem to think and act if it wasn’t also just plain freaky. My sister also has big plans to get plastic surgery because she truly thinks it will make her happier to be more beautiful. That people will treat her with more love and care. I really tried to express that beauty won’t solve all her problems since her insecurities will eat her up. It’s a slippery slope. Once you start and from an insecure place, you will become obsessed with fixing every other flaw.

She also had that same issue with jobs when she was a few years younger. But nowadays she’s more accepting of the fact she won’t be able to just get a well paying job because she thinks she deserves it. She literally went to community college and got an art degree because she asked the school counselor to tell her what the easiest degree to finish would be. (She wasn’t even a good student. One of her professors criticized her inability to generally give a crap about her classes and almost got the Dean invovled for her rude email conversation with that professor.)

 87 
 on: April 28, 2026, 01:16:47 AM  
Started by sunnysunglasses - Last post by sunnysunglasses
Hi Sunny,

What strikes me here is that you recognize you need your own place, and yet almost everything you write is about your sister and mom!  You state that it's not your responsibility to take care of your sis, and yet, it seems that your sister's welfare remains top-of-mind for you, even after she physically assaulted you!  That sounds like some trauma bonding to me.  At the very least it is taking up a ton of your mental bandwidth.

My advice for you right now would to be start making concrete plans to move out.  One way to start would be to create a dedicated savings account just for this purpose, and you could start saving for first and last month's rent, as well as moving expenses and funds to buy some furniture if you need it.  I think if you created a special account, moving out would start to feel more real.  You could look at apartment rentals in different neighborhoods--I'd suggest actually touring some in person, for motivation.  You could look at find-a-roommate websites.  You could let trusted friends know that you're looking for your own place.  And you might look at house-sitting options as well, if that fits in your schedule.  In other words, if you take some baby steps towards making a move-out plan, I think you'll start to make some progress and build momentum.  Merely having a plan will create some motivation for you!  And if you start looking at neighborhoods and apartments, you'll get a clearer idea of what's in your budget.  My suggestion would be to spend at least an hour every week working on your move-out plan.  My guess is, eventually something will come available, and you'll be ready--because you'll see the opportunity and be ready to pounce on it.  Maybe it's not a "forever" home, just a "transitional" home where you can live in peace.  Even a "transitional" home would be an improvement, right?  From there, you could always look for something better, maybe a year further down the line.

As for your sister, my guess is that she doesn't hold down any jobs because she doesn't have to.  She's not going to find employment until she has no other choice.  As long as you hang around, live with her and pay some (or all) her expenses, my guess is that she'll be content mooching off of you, while blaming you and abusing you, too.  My advice?  The sooner you leave, the sooner your sister will have to take responsibility for her life.  She might fall apart, but then she might get the help she really needs. 

Look, it seems to me that the status quo isn't working for you, and it's not really working for your sister, either.  My sense is that the sooner you get out of that toxic situation, the better it will be for all of you.  I know that finding your own place might feel arduous, even scary.  But I think in reality, the status quo is more arduous and scary.  It's up to you to change your life for the better.  I know you have an amazing gift, which is positivity in the face of adversity.  But you need to give yourself the gift of freedom without remorse.  I hope you consider that.  All the best to you.
Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. You are completely right in saying that I give my family a lot of my mental energy with my constant concerns and worries for them. I’m learning to be more considerate to myself and even selfish with my own well being and needs being met. It’s still a work in progress.

As for the moving out plan, I have started saving funds. My goal is to save 10k by the end of 2027 which is my deadline currently. I’m hoping to either find my own place or rent with roommates. At this point though I truly crave my own stable and safe housing that I have complete ownership of and can make choices for myself without other people’s input. That would be my dream. As simple of a dream it may sound, it would mean the world to me.

I’ve also taken the time to budget my monthly expenses and figure out what I can afford at the most at my current salary. It’s difficult but not entirely out of the question.

Thanks for your kind words overall. It feels really nice to see someone say they care about my well being Smiling (click to insert in post)

 88 
 on: April 27, 2026, 07:18:50 PM  
Started by zachira - Last post by zachira
I saw my disordered neighbor today and she said "hello". I ignored her. Dr Ramani a well known expert on NPD, talks about how giving second chances over and over again does not work because the narcissist never accounts for their bad behaviors, act like they never happened, and then start being abusive again. I genuinely like to forget past problems with a person, and continue to be nice to them. Not going to do that again with this neighbor as she uses my forgiveness to restart the abuse cycle.

 89 
 on: April 27, 2026, 02:56:52 PM  
Started by Trony - Last post by cynp
Excerpt
. My trouble with that is that whenever I try to just be boring and not engage, he just escalates and escalates until it becomes too scary to not give in: “this a choice your making, this now means you are ending our marriage, etc”.

I can relate as I am sure others here can as well. Behaviours therapists have suggested to set boundaroies have resulted in some truely frightful episodes including self-harm. I am not permitted to leave the room, certainly not the house. My only option is to listen as calmly and emotionless as I can while pwbpd rages and hopoe they tire out eventually.


 90 
 on: April 27, 2026, 01:45:25 PM  
Started by Trony - Last post by ForeverDad
Think about the meaning of the word "abuse".  Yes, the obvious evidence are bruises, cuts, etc.  But more insidious are the long term emotional damage from endless criticism, insinuations, belittling, subtle and obvious threats.

We often comment here on the obvious Blaming and Blame Shifting, among other behavior, which in themselves don't carry much indication of outright abuse, but given enough time and repetition its impact can easily be as devastating as physical abuse.

The reason others warn you of abuse is that they are considering more than just the physical risks and impacts.

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