Most of us, myself included, have no memories from such a young age.  That's why they're considered unreliable and and a person can even construct false memories.  Combine that with mental health issues and that's a potent mix.

He's an adult and to a certain extent is responsible for his own welfare.  Legally, it's his choice whether he will accept your help, regardless of how sincerely you promised your mother.  You have tried over the years, so don't guilt yourself overmuch.

Welcome to BPD Family.  It's sad that this conflict happened... and you're not even married yet.  We have a truism often quoted here:  The past is likely to predict the future.  In other words, regardless of how much you love her, what you've experienced - including the serious legal issues with the police and court already involved - she is likely to repeat that and even worse if the relationship continues... if things don't turn around soon.

Is she in meaningful and serious therapy for her disorder and behaviors?  And not just long-term therapy sessions but also diligent efforts to improve her perceptions, emotions and overall behavior?  A hard lesson we've learned is that hoping and dreaming for the future will likely end in eventual failure.  What really counts is determined effort and hard work, not promises.

A common report is that people with BPD traits (pwBPD) have extremes of negative traits such as Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.  So they often sabotage themselves by avoiding meaningful therapy.

You're in the middle of a difficult relationship.  You too can benefit with therapy so you have have a balanced view of the issues and behavior patterns.  Best to get started on this before you get married.

We hope your choices and decisions now during this distressing time result in a positive future.

I am in desperate need of advice and guidance and help with situation if possible. Recently myself and my fiance who has BPD have been arguing quite a bit. A few days ago she left me and had police remove me from our house we share with her 2yo daughter. That day she had blocked me on absolutely everything and deleted everything involving us. The next day I had tried reaching out and she had police tell me not to contact her. The next day when I was to retrieve my property from our residence with a constable I was advised thst she had filed a pfa on me with no reason given. While at residence to get property I had tge constable ask her if I could talk to her before pfa was picked up and given she agreed. We had talked about financial stuff and I expressed my love for her and wishes of her dropping pfa. At one point during this she had went to her car near where I was standing and I had asked her, "Do you still love me?" She explained that yes she does she never stopped loving me. She agreed that we could discuss everything at the courthouse in 2weeks when hearing for full pfa would be placed or dismissed. We exchanged a hug and I love you back to each other. Im questioning if she will truly come back in 2weeks at hearing and we can be ok and fix us. Recent weeks of fighting have been almost like she was a different person. Mean, violent, uncaring. Im willing to weather those days for the loving and affectionate fiancé. Since the day the pfa was filed she has sent me $1 cashapp requests everyday. Im.unsure if that is a way for her to reach out. I would rather she just upfront and text me. I truly want her back. I love her even the BPD parts. Will she come back?

Hi all,

My younger brother has always struggled with mental health and diagnosed with bpd, anxiety, eating disorder etc.  He has worked really hard at seeing therapists and taking their advice and putting himself first in the last 15 years- we were very hopeful for a recovery. He was a little weird I would say at times but was functioning. Then he stopped taking his meds, our mom died suddenly and then everything changed. (This is the second time he has gone no contact after an outburts and scapegoating episode).

About 6 months ago he started making excuses to attend events and other family things but kept in contact.  About 3 months ago he sent his immediate family a text saying he was taking care of himself and would reach out when able. We texted him maybe once a month, if that -to try and keep touch, no reply.

Last Friday he sent a facebook message to an aunt, a cousin and a cousins wife (that we know of)- saying that he was molested when he was 2-3 years old, his email went into great detail about a pair of pants he was wearing and stopped short of saying who did it or what really happened. He also said he would be walking away is getting support and won't acknowledge any of us if he sees us in public.

The thing is, we all have asked him when he was in therapy and on meds if that had happened when we were trying to wrap our heads around helping him.  He always answered no, I have a supportive family and always have.

I don't believe he was molested, no one does- except him.  According to his email, he contacted the police, lawyers and they all said to move on with his life. The whole situation is just sad for everyone.

We as a family are respecting his wish for no contact (he is 42 years old) knowing that he isnt capable of holding a job or paying for himself.  My dad gave my sister and brother and I a considerable amount of money in Feb, my dad left it in his mailbox.  He cashed the cheque a week before he sent the email. My dad is 80 years old.

I feel guilty, I had promised my mom I would take care of him before she died.  I don't know how she would react to this. 

I'm not sure if we just respect his no contact wish, I dont know what else we can do at this point.

Thanks for listening.

Notwendy,
Lots of golden nuggets in your response. Thank you.

My biggest challenge right now is to stop self isolating. This past year, I have faced some painful betrayals from several people who love bombed me, then betrayed me. I am slowly reaching out again to make more real long term friends. Yes, the self isolation is when we feel safe. I am finding that the safe people take time to get to know and are genuinely interested in other people, not just pretending to be extremely generous to see how they can take advantage of another person at the right time.

I realize I will never be so visually successful as the golden children and flying monkeys in my large extended dysfunctional family, yet I am proud of the things that I have accomplished that they never will. I am able to have close sincere relationships with some very special people. My family members do have lots of superficial relationships and run from relationships in which they get any kind of feedback that suggests they are not special people to be looked up to and admired. I on the other hand value constructive feedback so I can learn and grow. I frequently have said that a person is not a friend until we see how we handle disagreements and our differences.

I also feel that I have a healthier relationship with money. I may not be as well off as my disordered relatives, yet I am able to have experiences they will never have because I am open to new challenging experiences with people from many different backgrounds. I love to travel to places most people would never consider going to and  to learn languages. I have much to look forward to. I think for my disordered family members their futures are more of just the same.

Let me share what happened in my case, though the genders were switched so I admit it is not an exact match to your situation.

My ex was arrested after a particularly extreme ragefest.  I had called the police and they initially asked me to "step away".  My preschooler was in my arms and refused to go to his mother.  They left and after I downloaded my recording of the incident, I made a police report and she was arrested for Threat of DV.  Yes, there was no overt violence as in your case.  But after a few months of continuance her case was dismissed.

Here's what happened when she was released... she promptly went to family court and sought protection from me for herself and our preschooler.  This was when I had just been granted a temporary protection order from her!  Unbelievably to me, family court granted her temp custody and majority parenting time.  I was stunned.  What world was I living in?  I had a temp protection order!

My point is this:  My court viewed a spouse's behavior as separate from a parent's behavior, almost as though two separate people, as nonsensical as that sounds.  All I'm saying is that once there is a review of the family dynamic, your role as parent is not as hopeless as you feel right now.

Welcome to BPD Family.  We do understand what you've had to deal with for so many years.  You will find excellent peer support here in the weeks, months and years to come.

My first thought is that all is not lost.  Yes, you're at a distinct disadvantage as a parent, but recovery after all this is still possible.  We've walked in your shoes, "been there, done that" and hope is not lost.

Have you sought help with local resources such as legal representation with an experienced family law attorney, or if necessary a criminal lawyer?  I recall my divorce lawyer stated his first task was to sit on his new clients... so they would not say anything without his approval so his work was not made more difficult than it already was.  He always said you have the right to remain silent, you do not have to testify against yourself.

It sounds like the separation is quite recent.  Do you have a protection or stay-away order filed against you?  If so, is it still pending without a final ruling?  You need legal guidance to minimize the risk to your parenting.

Is reconciliation a possibility?  Reconciling with your spouse and dropping the recent incident would not mean you could never separate in a future separation or divorce.

You are also encouraged to seek local therapy.  (My lawyer always said, "Courts love counseling!")  Having an expert assist in resolving the relationship issues in your family is always a good thing.

• ... for yourself
• ... for the children (surely they have been impacted by living in a dysfunctional home)
• ... for your spouse (although she is likely to reject therapy since many people with BPD have extreme levels of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting)

While we are neither lawyers nor counselors - we are peer support - we have a wealth of collective experience and are here to share however we can help.

I am so sorry.  This is not an area in which I have any knowledge or experience to share.  But I can offer sympathy.

I lived with a quiet BPD partner for 10 years, and about a month ago, after a major argument, we separated.

I met her 10 years ago, when I was 28 and she was 19. Not long after we started dating, she became pregnant with our first child. Because I loved her, I decided that we would have the baby and build a family together.

Before she met me, she often spoke badly about her ex-boyfriend. She said that when they broke up, he tried to take his own life, and at the time I wondered why things had gone that far. She had also had quite a few relationships for someone who was only 19, and she often said that if someone wronged her once, she would never forget it and would completely cut that person off. I thought she was still young and maybe that was just how she was at the time, but I never imagined that it would eventually lead to such a tragedy.

After our first child was born and began growing up, I saw my wife neglect our child and, at times, handle her very harshly. She would place the child on the bed almost as if throwing her down. Once, when our child was running away, she threw a toy at her, hitting her and causing a cut under her nose that bled. Another time, she pushed the child into a door and our child’s head was cut and bleeding. There were actions that felt close to abuse.

I could not understand my wife’s behaviour, so I asked her why she was acting that way. She said things I could not understand, such as that she could not understand the unconditional love of a parent, and that she could not feel a bond with her daughter.

Then one day, I saw my wife self-harming with a knife alone in the bathroom. Later, when I felt I could no longer continue and decided to separate from her, she began threatening suicide. At one point, she tried to take her own life by taking my antidepressant medication, so I took her to the emergency department. There, a doctor told us that she had BPD.

That was when I realised that my wife had borderline personality disorder. But by then, 10 years had already passed, and our second child had already been born.

After that, many pieces of the puzzle slowly began to fit together: her lack of financial awareness, impulsive and risky choices, dangerous driving, and many other signs that seemed consistent with BPD.

Because of the repeated suicide threats, the ongoing neglect and mistreatment of the children, and the constant broken promises, I became financially and mentally exhausted. During one argument, I lost control just once and used violence. I was arrested by the police, and the children left with her.

I became a family violence offender. Now I cannot see my children, and I have to rebuild my life from a completely broken place at the age of 38.

Less than one month after our separation, she is already looking for someone else to date.

I am struggling every single day, not knowing what will happen to my children, what I should do, or whether I will ever be able to care for them again in this completely broken life.

It's OK to vent, we all do at times. I also think you are doing well. If I post advice to hold your boundary- it's to validate you- and what you are doing. To have minimal to no contact with this ex is fine- and it may be exactly what you need. Being cordial and not too personal at work is a standard. We know who we can be "friends" with at work, but even so, there are work boundaries and topics that don't belong in the workplace. Personal aspects of relationships are one of them.

My best guest is that she's oversharing and people hearing only her version are trying to be kind to her. You are the one with the work appropriate professional behavior and can keep that standard.