Thanks. I’m no stranger to toxic relationships and oddly he has been the only one where the good times have been good. So hard to know what to do

It's not only common, it's 100% going to happen and is one of the main characteristics of someone with BPD. They don't know what their emotions will be from one minute to the next hence the 'I want you /I don't want you' actions, which are devastating when they suddenly start appearing in what was, until then, a seemingly perfect relationship.  All par for the course and everyone here has experienced it.

As others have said, it isn't going to get any better and will usually get worse over time. It's a script which inevitably plays out. The only thing to do is to decide whether you're able to try and handle this type of relationship - and it can be very draining and damaging, both mentally and physically,

In view of the short duration of your relationship, it might be better to just put it down to experience and move on. None of it was your fault; you couldn't control their actions nor could you cure them.

My own BPD relationship was 4 years duration and her first breakup with me came after a couple of months. I realised then something was wrong with her but I continued to chase and engage for all those years, only for it to inevitably end. Looking back afterwards I could see the relationship was toxic and was never going anywhere.

I truly wish I'd just let go after her first outburst then I'd have saved myself those years of greif and conflict.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

Thank you for your reply as well as the book recommendation. I'm trying to learn more about how to prepare for things in advance.

I finally understand why I struggled raising this son.  Narcisstic BPD.  His low self esteem wife has left (hopefully to not return immediately).  She is willing to seek counsel together but he is not willing.  I need a counselor to help me navigate.  My daughter in law will be better without him with their 3 kids 6,yr.4yr,6months but my son who has always been in a good work situation,home, provision, etc is at risk to live out his "fantasies" and loose not only his marriage but all that has been good because he doesn't realize he is wacko in his thinking. I would like to find a counselor in my area or online.  Don't know if I can say what city? I not trying  to coerce my daughter-in-law into staying but I do need wise counsel how she, I, and my other children should move forward to make the situation the best for all concerned!

ThemApples,

This doesn’t read reactive. It reads exhausted and clear.

Twenty years of hoping something fundamental would shift is a long time. Grieving that makes sense. Especially when the loneliness has been happening inside the marriage, not outside of it.

The part about staying for your son hit hard. Most of us made the best decision we could with what we knew then. Hindsight is sharp.

You’re right - both staying and leaving have a cost. There isn’t a painless option. It sounds like you’ve already been carrying one version of that cost for years.

Whatever you choose when the time comes, I hope it’s something that includes your well-being too.

You matter in this equation.

This post is kind of a mess. 

Our Daughter is about to turn 31.  She is in her fourth involuntary mental health commitment in the last 6 months.  In between, she lives in her car.  It was stolen recently, though, so hopefully that won't be an option once she gets streeted from this go around.

As many of you have done, we've run the BPD-gamut with her since this emerged in adolescence. So many treatments.  So many therapists.  So many psychiatrists.   We've done it all.  She was violent, and we had the police out many times. 

I have spent what feels like hundreds of hours being trapped and harangued by her. She cycles herself up into these circular arguments that just go round and round, never ending.   Listening doesn't help.  Active listening doesn't help. Compassionate listening doesn't help.  Setting boundaries doesn't help.

When she was a teenager, if we left the house she would break things, if we retreated to a room she would kick the door and throw things.   She put a brick through our car windshield.  She put rocks through our kitchen window.

Since she’s been out on her own (we pushed her.  She showed no desire to leave.) her life has been lurching from one crisis to the next.   For over a decade now.

She is unable or unwilling to take interest in the details of her life. she doesn't know what meds she takes or what they're for, ('they give me all kinds of stuff'), doesn't know her diagnosis ("They diagnose all kinds of things, who cares?").   The things in her life are very vague, and, of course, it's everyone else's fault.

It is hard to find anything positive to say.   It's depressing and heartbreaking.

I don’t know how to do anything that’s helpful.  She cannot live at home.   Just to talk to her is heartbreaking for me.  I am still grieving the lost child and the adult who will never be.

BPD, like so many other things in life, exists on a spectrum.  It may be comparatively mild for some people whereas it can be quite extreme in many others.  BPD is a disorder or dysfunction that impacts most the close relationships.  Others who may be on the periphery with little or occasional contact may notice something "off" but not greatly impacted.

We have no way to know to what extent your former BF is impacted in his relationships.  So we are limited in what to predict.  That he has BPD is a serious caution as you ponder a relationship, but whether it can be a successful one is still a big question.  That he is aware to step back when triggered is good, he is applying the therapy he has received.  A pattern often observed is high levels of negativity: Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting, to name some of the hallmark traits.

As already mentioned, the deeper the relationship develops, the more easily the discord and conflict erupts.  There's a saying, over time everyone relax and lets down their hair.  However, with BPD it typically worsens over time.  Many here reported it got worse after marriage, others after they had children, others after  the spouse retired.

Can you continue communicating from a distance?  That can be problematic.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are easily triggered (that emotional vs illogical perception) from one extreme to the other, all good to all bad, rinse and repeat.

Many here concluded it was better - or necessary - just to Let Go and Move On.  It's for you to decide which path to take depending on all the factors you've learned.

There a lot of pain here.  I'm glad you're getting it out.  And figuring some of it out.

I recall when I was in my early 20's I saw a coworker working on his family tree.  I knew my grandparents' names but nothing more.  And only one grandparent was alive during my youth.  Within a year I wrote and distributed my first family newsletter.  By then I had found my paternal immigrant family who arrived in 1817.  Mount Tambora in Indonesia had erupted in April 1815, the largest in recent centuries, which disrupted crops in 1816.  That year became known as "the year without summer".

My ex complained about my interest in my genealogy, saying "they're dead!"  (She was always complaining about her horrid family.)  True, but knowing their names, where my ancestors lived, how they spread out across the country, who their kids were, which ones survived childhood, all those details brought them to life for me.

Most people don't start researching their ancestry until they're retired.  By then the prior generations are long gone.  I got to correspond with and meet many distant relatives in the 1980's.  Back then we didn't have the internet.  I traveled to libraries, county court houses, even the National Archives.  The detective urge to dig deep also helped in later years when I became a programmer.

As with you, genealogy has been a significant part of my life.

It's actually pretty common with BPDs because they think, "If they knew who I really was and how messed up my thoughts are sometimes, they'd surely leave."  So things are hidden as they try to work through problems emotionally...not logically...and that's like trying to fix your car with a rubber spatula.  The two things just don't go together and eventually frustration boils over.

Just know that he does not hate you and this is not your fault.  He is sick and struggling, spiraling.  Don't take the hurtful words he said to chase you off as his actual identity.  In stressful times, we all say things that we wish we could take back.  That's 100x true for BPDs when they're in crisis. 

And to make matters worse, they may not even remember what they said or how it could be taken as hurtful.

Why?  Let's go back to a physical example.  I slam my hand in a car door and at the same time, you're asking me if I like chocolate chips on my pancakes (well duh, who doesn't?!?).  In that specific moment though, it would seem like the dumbest question in the world because I'm ONLY focusing on how badly my fingers hurt.  And if you were there to see what happened, you would never ask that question to begin with because you understand how painful it must be.

For BPDs though, they could be in the same level of emotional pain (which we can't see) and when you engage them, they're thinking, "How can this person who says they love me not see how my world is collapsing right now?!?"  So they say something to you about what we think is an ordinary thing, we respond in an ordinary way, and they explode. 

The thing they're saying is rarely the actual problem though- that's what they're complaining about to mask the actual problem (mental health and disordered thinking).  I hope that helps.

sm1981,

Unlike NPD, in BPD they know that they don't function well. Though knowing they are mentally ill isn't enough to compel them into treatment. Instead, the loss of your relationship with him seems to have been the driving force. Therefore, by staying firm, you are doing a lot of good for him.

By the way, I don't endorse this pharmacological treatment for BPD (SSRI and mood stabilizer) since all studies show that they are completely ineffective in reducing BPD symptoms. If it is just for him to engage in therapy, then hopefully the drugs should be used for a brief period. On the other hand, treating ADHD and addictions does help with BPD a great deal.