Hi again,

Thank you for encouraging me to keep focused on reality.
These last days at my friend's house have helped me recover just enough to make some short-term plans. I am going back to my home country at least for a week (before my sick leave permit ends). My goal, for now, is just to regain some energy and avoid renouncing to the minuscule things I have build in this place. I feel like the big decisions, such as moving back permanently, must wait. I don't feel like I am completely lucid after all that has happened.
I saw him briefly today while I was taking some clothes from the old apartment and saying hello to my cat. He started talking about how happy he is about moving and starting the new job. I didn't engage, except for wishing him good luck (which was sincere. I genuinely love him and that cannot change).

Others will respond soon to your question, but I wanted to mention a concept that is a bit difficult to realize... a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) is a person with the traits we all have but they're to an extreme, often unbalanced, displaying high highs and low lows.  Those massive up and down swings can be triggered by almost anything, anytime, anywhere.

With most people, there is a balance of sorts between logical, reasonableness, emotions and feelings.  PwBPD are challenged to remain relatively stable, their feelings often define their perceptions, sometimes positively such at the start of a relationship but too often over time in a negative way overall.  Borderline has been described as an emotional disregulation disorder that is most evident in the closest of relationships.

Where your ex exists on this behavior spectrum is hard to say.  Some are more "acting in" where they tend to do more harm to themselves.  Others are more "acting-out" where they are more aggressive to those around them, though this may not become evident until much later.  BPD tends to become more difficult to deal with the longer the relationship because other triggers can accumulate such as obligations such as marriage, children, even life in general, etc can add increasing stress.

You both would do well to seek counseling to become educated about what this means and its impact on your lives.  If your ex already knows she has BPD, then she may already have been in therapy.  Therapy is not just a few sessions, it is necessary perhaps for years.  BPD is, in many ways, not something she has, like a broken arm or cancer, it is something she is... her feelings, her perceptions, her reality and more.

Really sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Believe me, I get it.

Re: CPS:
It may be less of a question of "they won't do anything" and more a question of "even though they might not do anything, I may have a responsibility to report, regardless of the outcome". Does that make sense? Ask your L.

She's lucky you're asking how to help rather than how to leave. A few things I picked up from partners further along than me on this board.

When chronic pain flares, every coping skill gets more expensive to run. So the depression may not be DBT failing, it may be the pain eating the energy she would normally spend on regulation. If her pain management isn't being actively worked by a specialist, that is often the highest-leverage piece to push on, sometimes more than anything on the psych side.

Also worth naming: kids at 3 and 4 are peak depletion years for any couple, and you're doing it alongside her diagnosis and the pain. Do you have anyone in your own corner, a therapist or even a steady check-in with a friend? Partners in this seat tend to burn out quietly, and her system notices when yours goes down.

Welcome aboard and sorry you're dealing with this mix of signals. The part that stands out to me: she crossed the boundary (the sexting), you held it, and now it's being framed as you not fighting hard enough for the relationship. That flip is really common in these dynamics. The disappointment she voiced is about her own abandonment feelings, not an actual invitation to win her back.

Her ghost-then-return cycle already showed you what re-engagement looks like. If you chased now, you would most likely get the detached version of her again within weeks, plus a harder reset after that. The kindest thing for both of you is to stay consistent with the boundary you set. It hurts because the good version of her was real too. But you are not ending it as punishment, you are declining a setup where you do all the adapting.

How are you filling the evenings lately? That first stretch after the breakup is rough, and routine matters more than people expect.

Glad you experienced peace despite the rollercoaster. I know that takes work!

With a disordered relationship we never know what will be the trigger that makes us hit rock bottom and decide we are done. When we get to that point, it is overwhelming because of all the past abuses we have endured and all the new boundaries to put in place. You are now on your way up and slowly things will get better.

If it's sent, then it's sent.  That's okay.  You said what you wanted to say and this is ultimately about you.

The odds are that he won't respond.  That's okay too.  This is about closure for you and getting it off your chest.

Hi guys if you’re reading this thanks sorry if it’s long idk what to do
So me and my ex have been together for a little over a year and everything was good in my opinion but like a month ago i started working 12 hour shifts so when she woke up i was almost half way through my shift and when i was done i went home because i was tired and we didn’t spend that much time together. We started to argue more than usual but in my mind it would get better after I finished working there. She just slept over like 2 nights in a row and the second night we argued and I thought we talked it over. She went on a walk with my sister and she at one point came to me and cuddled me and then they went on another walk so I thought everything was fine.And then i was at work and she texted me that we needed to talk and i knew where that was going and when i got home she broke up with me but she wasn’t cold she was crying and i could see it was hard for her I asked for a break instead and she agreed and she said that we will meet up two weeks later to have a talk. She asked if she could kiss me hug me and stuff so I thought maybe we just needed a little break. She kept on texting me like once every day i love you I’m sorry and I kept reassuring her that its fine i love her more and that we’ll figure it out together. One night after she went on a walk with my sister she texted her that if she thinks I could deal with her bpd or if it will drain me and my sister texted that she thinks i could handle it she just has to talk to me. And then she texted me for a sleepover and i said yes but if it would be too much than its no problem and later she texted me that she’s not okay she’s sorry. And then she next day i wake up and tell her like my friends invited me out just so she wouldn’t spiral even more and she sent me a break up text that like she’s sorry she can’t do it in person to watch my broken reaction that she loves me the most and to never forget or doubt that but that we could still have the talk. My sister then told me that she told her she’s writing a like letter/ journal for me when we meet up and im writing her a letter. I thought after the break up text we would go no contact until we met up but she keeps on texting me like every 2 days that she’s sorry she loves me and that she misses me. Idk what to do I want her back I want to show her that im there for her i just don’t know how to do that. Im lost because she’s like one moment breaking up with me the second she misses me and im in a spiral of my own in this situation.
Any help would be much appreciated if you have any questions please im just really lost and i love her very much.

Welp. I was writing and rewriting the letter to try to process the new information and I fell asleep with it open and I guess my hand hit it or something cuz it sent. Soooo.. that's not great. But i guess there is not much I can do about it now.