Hi there,

Indeed I'm also in a period of protracted estrangement from my BPD stepdaughter who is trying to carve out an adult's life for herself.  Of course she'll reach out when she needs something--a co-signer, help with moving her belongings, help selling her car, etc.  Since she's a little older than your daughter, she knows she should probably be operating more independently by now.  My guess is that she feels shame and embarrassment when she has to ask for help . . . even though she sounds entitled at the same time, even if she never thanks us for providing the help, and even if she implies that we are to blame for all her problems and we OWE her.  She RESENTS us for making her feel dependent, and I suspect she's ashamed that she still needs us.

Though I know it hurts not to know what's going on with your dear daughter, I think you can be confident that she'll reach out to you when she needs you.  I think you should be proud that she seems to be operating independently of you with some success.  Now I bet you worry a lot, probably because your daughter has given you good reason to worry in the past.  I know I worry some, too.  But I tell myself, it's not productive to worry about things which haven't even happened yet.  That just brings me down.  I try to think more positive thoughts, such as my stepdaughter has managed living on her own for around six consecutive months, and though her dad has been sending her money, he hasn't been sending her nearly as much as he used to, so she must be working with some regularity.  That is a huge step in the right direction.  Living semi-independently for six months without rebounding to the parental home and having some sort of major crisis is a record for her.  Granted, she still isn't talking to anyone else in the family, and with a family wedding coming up, it remains to be seen if she will participate.  My sense is that, until she consolidates her identity as a fully independent adult, she won't be content with herself, and if she's not content with herself, she can't be happy for someone else at a wedding.  Chances are that she won't attend.  I know that would be disappointing for the family, but by the same token, I think it would be better than experiencing a meltdown on a wedding day.

As for contact, I think that every message from you is probably a reminder to your daughter of some unfulfilled obligation and has some emotional baggage attached to it.  I suspect that's why your daughter won't respond.  She likely has all the emotional pressure she can handle right now.  She might have blocked you, because she deems you "toxic" and wants to exert some control in her life, and maybe even "punish" you in the process with her silence.  But try not to take offense.  The way I see it is, she's taking an "adult time out."  My unspoken policy is not to interrupt the time out.  You've already told her the lines of communication are wide open.  My advice would be to cut back on the texting for now.  However, I would include her on major holidays and her birthday, to ensure she doesn't feel excluded--but keep any messages short and obligation-free.  Please, no begging for her to reach out, no bribes, and please don't add your emotional distress or any obligation (When can I come see you?  I have presents for you.  Your father is upset you didn't wish him Happy Father's Day)--she's telling you that she can't handle the pressure right now with her silence.

I hope that perspective helps a little.  All my best to you.

Sorry but I think you know your wife is lying through her teeth, saying she didn't know about the poor state of the family's finances when you've tried to talk to her about it a zillion times.  OK, maybe in her "BPD world" she thinks that you are responsible for 100% of the bills while she's responsible for spending whatever she wants whenever she wants.  If she really wanted to show you she's serious about paying off debts, she would put money in the joint account right now--even better, she'd make a payment on the debt right now.  But my guess is she's not serious, because she's just making up stories to get you to do her bidding.  Her promise to be better in the future has zero credibility when she's not even being honest in the moment.  Look, when people have lost their credibilty, I look at actions and actions only.  You could say you'll be checking the debt balance daily and leave it at that, while you continue with your plan.

That’s an interesting question, and I think a lot of people here have probably wondered something similar, especially after a breakup.

From what many people notice, it’s often less about someone being better off single and more about how close relationships can activate deeper emotional patterns. When there’s distance, things can look more stable simply because fewer triggers are being activated.

In closer relationships, especially where there’s emotional attachment, things like fear of loss, sensitivity to rejection, or feeling misunderstood can come up more strongly. That can make the ups and downs feel more intense, even if those same patterns aren’t as visible when someone is on their own.

A lot of this lines up with basic attachment theory, which looks at how people respond to closeness and emotional bonds. You might come across terms like anxious attachment or attachment activation if you decide to look into it more. Those ideas can help explain why things often feel more intense in close relationships.

So what you’re noticing isn’t uncommon, and it’s not necessarily about one person being too much or relationships being the problem.

Hi Bridgit,



Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m glad that you’ve joined us, though I’m really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Many members here can relate to what you’re going through, especially that mix of relief and pain when things go quiet.

What you’re describing is something a lot of parents here have faced. That silence can feel incredibly heavy, sometimes even harder than the ups and downs, because there’s no way to make sense of it or respond to it.

It also makes sense that it hurts when contact only happens around practical needs, like the lease or taxes. You showed up for her in those moments, and not hearing back afterward can leave a real emotional gap.

One thing you might consider is gently shifting how you reach out. Weekly messages can come from a place of love, but sometimes they can also keep you in a cycle of waiting and hoping for a response that may not come right now. Some parents find it helpful to step back a bit, both to protect their own energy and to change the dynamic slightly.

You don’t have to disappear or stop caring. It can just be about finding a pace that feels more sustainable for you.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what have those interactions been like in the past when things were more active between you two?

My 25 year old daughter has ghosted me. After years of devastating interactions with her, I tried to convince myself that this may actually be a relief, but I would take the emotional roller coaster over this any day. I have sent her texts at least once a week over the last few months to reassure her that I am still here and still love her, but without response. The only times she messaged me was when she needed me to co-sign the lease for her apartment and when she needed information for her taxes. I responded to both requests without hesitation and then never heard anything back. Is there anything I should or shouldn’t be doing to improve this situation?

From the perspective of an adult child of a BPD mother, I saw things similar to what your daughter has seen and also was a target of my BPD mother's behavior. Just as you feel sad for her for what she experienced, I felt sad to see what my father experienced.

I do not know the road not taken- but I have seen what staying together looked like and, in my situation, it did not change for my parents.

The financial issues didn't change. It may have gotten a bit easier when my father didn't have to support us kids when we reached adulthood, but BPD mother's spending continued. Dad compensated by being frugal for himself. Your situation is different- your son depends on you and you have to secure your finances for his needs. 

My BPD mother had a tendency to re-write history. It was eerie because she could come up with an entirely different "story" about what happened, and it sounded so convincing, it would make us wonder if we were in some kind of alternative reality- and which one was real- ours or hers?

She also had an NPD aspect to her. The stories were in part, manipulative, part avoiding shame or accountability, and part, I think also convincing herself that her perspective was true.

But numbers in a bank account are real. What happened happened.

Have to get this off my chest. Just had the most insane conversation. Okay not the most insane but wow… stbx comes home & wants to talk for a minute. She tells me she talked to M, her cousins husband and one of my best friends. He actually gave me a heads up earlier but she starts talking to me about money and how she had no idea I was so stressed and strained with finances. He called her out on a lot of stuff and shes talking to me like she had no idea how bad it was for me. She didn’t know I was so tight. If I would give her a chance she wants to start helping to pay off debt and put her money in the joint account. She asked me to pause this divorce talk for a while and to just give her a chance.iniept calm and told her while finances are a major issue that isn’t the only thing. Even if that was fixed tomorrow there are a lot of other problems, and she knows it.

Part of me is seriously tempted to say yes and hang on for a couple of months to get some help but no way. Can’t do it.

I had to leave the house for a while. I’m actually pretty upset/angry over the conversation. Ive posted here a LOT about some of the financial problems. Like OMG, can you take less responsibility?? You didn’t know? I cried about money! Every single time I sat down to discuss a budget she raged. I told her we were $75k in debt and needed to pay it down, she said she didn’t care about the debt. She blamed it on me, and kept wanting to spend money year after year on vacations. Even this year before I told her about the divorce she wanted to plan 2 vacations this year despite me saying I had no money to put towards anything and wouldn’t book a trip unless we saved for it. . Any attempt to cut back expenses was met with dysregulation. And when I tried to talk about needing more money from her to help out she said on many occasions if I need more money I need to get a second job.
 

We here in peer support know you will proceed respectfully.  So do your trusted friends and family.

However, our otherwise excellent qualities include our sense of niceness and fairness.  And they are excellent .  But when dealing with a difficult protracted relationship now heading toward divorce, it is wise to assess how nice or how fair we ought to be.

We know you won't be nasty.  (Domestic court wouldn't like that; and besides, that's not you.)  But on the other hand we don't want you to be taken advantage of.  You may think "I ought to be generous" when negotiating because court will like that.  The reality is that court doesn't give credits.  You will find that court is more like a referee, it would rather the litigants decide between themselves.  It allots a half hour to a hearing and then on to the next case.  Your stbEx won't reciprocate any generosity, so that's also not a basis to be overly generous.

Essentially, proceed fairly but do question yourself if you find yourself pressured or guilted to be overly fair or overly generous.  You might want to do a thought experiment, stepping outside the box and looking back in with a neutral perspective... Picture yourself five years from now - long past the angst and distress today - if you would look back and agree with the decision, then it's probably a good decision to make.

Thanks NW. A lot of wisdom here. My therapist says based on my reports she sees a lot of NPD traits in my wife as well. Image is so important to her. She wants to look like a victim to everyone outside the home and make me look like the 'bad guy'. She wants to appear like the loving, perfect wife who is making all these changes and efforts in our home and to the kids so I look like the guy that's tearing the family apart.

My kids I think will be okay. My daughter 100% is open with me and she's been the target of abuse and seen the reality. She knows mom tells distortions sometimes. For example I was trying to de-escalate one night and leave the house. I grabbed a backpack and was trying to exit while my wife blocked me and pushed me screaming. My poor daughter (I think 18 at the time) was seeing the whole thing. While my wife was pushing me and I was doing nothing but holding onto my backpack my wife started yelling at me to stop hitting her! I said what are you talking about and my daughter crying at her said the same thing, it was so sad to hear her craying and say "what are you talking about mom, dad isn't doing anything, you're hitting him!". Makes me sad to remember that awful stuff.

Yeah I don't think she can keep it up. I think she was advised by family or perhaps a lawyer to stop drinking. It helps her not lose it easily but it's really hard to see her not spiraling at some point... Could be tonight. She doesn't yet know I have actually hired a lawyer. She is still in denial. Making promises to do anything, has apologized for some behaviors, prays, but it's a bunch of bologna . I'm getting reports even today of people hearing things from her about how she's scared of me! How I've controlled her our entire marriage. A lot of nasty stuff... Thankfully I have a few important people to me (including a couple in her family) that know the 100% truth and have my back and have set the record straight to those that will listen. The others don't really matter as I probably won't see them again.

Could see her spiral after tonight. I'm going to talk to her again and just reiterate that I'm still moving forward, I have a letter drafted from my attorney to give her so this will make it 'real'. It will be very interesting to see if she's able to maintain the helpful, amicable and sober front after this. From then it will be her choice to either disclose financials to each other and try to come to a settlement or I file and we move forward. I believe it will be the latter.