I am always amazed at how the pwBPD can just cut you off so quickly and thoroughly. From moving her gear in in the early afternoon, six weeks back,  then we went out for dinner with friends and because I defended myself against a two nonsense  accusations that occurred between 5 pm and 9 pm, both in the car  and we had two arguments as I did the JADE thing, ( silly me) mainly at how ridiculous the accusations were, upon arrival back at home, she had packed back up and gone by 11 pm. Back to hers. Where she was moving from.  Said she didn’t feel safe. With me. The guy she has ‘ loved’ for 4.5 years.

No contact is so tough at times- my BPD daughter is 27 and we've been down that road many times.  Each time I got better at it in how to handle the situation and my part in it.

A few tips-

- Tell your kid you love her, that you forgive her, and you hope that she'll be able to forgive you.  I try to make this the first and the last thing I say to her when we're not speaking very much.  It validates her and causes anxiety at the same time- why would I forgive?  Why would I then ask for forgiveness?  What could be the motives for that?  Eventually she lands on the correct answer; my intentions are genuine.

- The times we're apart aren't my fault.  Maybe we both argued, maybe we both said or did things that upset the other person.  However, I'm always willing to forgive and start fresh...so it's not my lack of effort to fix things.  The stubbornness is all on her side and I can't change that.

- Sometimes the best lessons in life for BPDs comes from their own self-destructive tendencies.  If my kid is on a dark path, let her walk it and face the consequences.  It seems to be the only way she actually learns and grows.  I hate it for her, but that's not within my control.

- Notice all three points are not within my control.  If I can't control it, I accept it and let it go.  So I don't wait on edge for someone to do something that's outside of my control.  I simply move on and wish them well.  It's not my fault and I know eventually, the pendulum will swing back to me.  So be it.

For me, I had to continually remind myself that my BPD ex was sick and even the thought of contacting me brought her a ton of disordered thinking.

Think of it this way.  Let's say you're allergic to cats.  But every time you go to see your ex, everything is covered in cat hair.  You know you're going to sneeze, to cough, to have allergic reactions.  It's horrible.  But you have to go there to get your kids...and the kids will also be covered in cat hair since your ex is literally the "crazy cat lady".

That's sort of how it is for BPDs.  They realize deep down that they did you wrong, it brings them lots of anxiety, so they do things trying to control the situation.

Your ex is very sick.  Have compassion for her and help her whenever you can.  That changes the dynamics entirely.  I'm not saying to go out of your way for her like when you were married...I'm just talking in passing when you're in front of her for kid handoffs or whatever.

It's funny and rather cynicism inducing, how predictable it all is.

One pwBPD (mother) used to accuse me from early childhood onwards of things like putting her in a nursing home, or causing her death - things I self-evidently could not have done. Another (uBPDx) would spiral into a self-pitying lament about how one day I would tell the story of him as just another bad partner - true, but this hadn't happened yet, and only happened as a consequence of his own actions!

Whether they enjoy it in some way - I think in both the above cases there was some relishing of imagined suffering. Whether it's a way to extract certain reactions or feelings from you - pity, guilt, reassurance.  It is, in the end, delusional and ridiculous.

thanks. After surviving for 3 years the finalization came as more of a relief than i expected and I am sometimes genuinely sad. Sad for the fantasy of the relationship that never actually was (but always just about to turn around), sad for missing the charming vivacious upside the ex possessed, thought it dwindled and dwindled and sad for the guy who tolerated so much more than anyone ever should for far longer than I like to admit to myself. I have flashes of exhilaration and optimism and increasing comfort with the dad I am and I think the hardest part about those messages is sometimes they pull me back from that into anger, self doubt and diminished self esteem. I kept a journal and had the sense to date the entries. I flip back and i can see that i am in such better shape than I was. Funny, I planned to write one sentence of thanks and an affirmation that I am sad and I'll think about connecting those things - the sadness and the anger.

You are human and it is normal to feel anger and or/avoidant sometimes about how your soon to be ex wife treats you. With time and practice, you will be less impacted by what she does, yet occasionally you will just get angry, and this happens at times to all of us who have to interact with a disordered ex because there are minor children involved. It can help to remember that underneath the anger can be sadness and getting in touch with the sadness can often soften and soothe the anger.

It's been almost 3 years and I am 99% divorced.  Final orders pending. I kept a restraining order against my (I forget the acronyms) undiagnosed bpd ex (UBPDX? - that doesn't look right).  She can only message me. I can see there will always be issues. She is constantly complaining, resurrecting grievances, attempting scheduling changes at the last minute, hitting me up for money beyond what she's entitled to receive (by AGREEMENT mind you) but I'm not writing about dealing with any of THAT today. Today, only this: I've come a long ways finding and enforcing boundaries, "letting go of the rope" (see earlier threads) but I am not always able to get the toxic emails just roll off me. Sometimes I just think 'well yeah that's on brand' when i read them. But sometimes I know there's a long accusatory message waiting for me and I spend time avoiding OFW. Or i read the toxic email and it actually gets to me, like all those things used to. I try to observe and not absorb. I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to better manage mindset around these things. Perhaps it just takes time. Oh - sometimes I just get angry. She'll message on a Thursday unilaterally changing the schedule for Friday and I let her know I'm upset about that, but all that ever gets is more silliness and more messages. Completely unproductive.  [Not looking for advice on the schedule disruption, we have a statute here i can use for that and I'm just waiting until the final orders are signed].

Sorry - one more question

Would it be usual for DD to be in touch with another person either regularly or in these circumstances?

I forgot to mention that this may be the time to start keeping records of any texts or email messages between you and your husband, especially if things are going badly.
If you read other threads you'll see that when it comes to actual seperations, the BPD can 'play dirty' when they get desperate - making false statements and accusations, etc.

Usually it's the non-BPD male partner who suffers from the female BPD making false  accusations as authorities are always more likely to blame the man for any incidents but the reverse can apply too.

Hopefully things will go relatively smoothly without major drama but alway remember you're dealing with someone who has no rules to follow so protect yourself at all times anf try and keep proof what was said and done.