Thanks NotWendy,  that means a lot. I didn't  like what I saw about myself. My part has been self serving too.

 
my youngest had her graduation last night. the oldest (BPD) unblocked me on her phone but would not communicate with me directly. she didn't sit with us but told my husband she was just following her brother to their seats. she also told my husband that she would be glad to meet us for ice cream after dinner but it was up to the younger kid, who she claimed had set the boundaries of a separate dinner. all of this is fine. I was fully prepared to not interact or interact neutrally and minimally to not give her the platform she has clearly been building for this special event. somehow, my husband missed all of this and ended up feeling sad/bad about the separation and ultimately blamed me. he has his own ptsd issues, primarily dumping big emotions he can't face onto me. so the difficulty of the evening became about him. he had no consideration for the deep psychological pain it caused me (he is not the elder's bio dad) and instead made it pretty clear the division is my fault and I need to give bpd kid "more love." we were having dinner and I would see the younger's location, so he bullied me into going over to say hi and just "see what happens." both daughters were visibly annoyed and distant, but my son hugged me. it was a total ruin and I'm so disappointed.

This is a hugely important realization- and commendable. It's our own emotional work that helps us to change behavior patterns. Good for you for doing this.

I saw the consequences of enabling in my own FOO. Dad continuously enabled and rescued BPD mother- and she remained dependent and developed an attitude of entitlement. We think when we are "being nice" to someone, they will appreciate it and be nice back but when we enable and rescue-, sometimes we get the opposite- they act entitled and don't learn from the consequences of their behavior.

You are doing good work!

The "being dumped" might be a motivator to someone who wants to have a romantic partner but if this is the motivation- Max's wife is already married. She  added an additional partner- the GF.

Max did not want or initiate this, and his wife had gone on a dating site to find the GF before he even knew about it. This is an important boundary to bring up- because it could have been one if monogamy was a solid boundary, but it was not- he wanted to also be understanding and open minded about the idea. That's his choice- each person decides the terms of their marriage.

Wife moved out to be with GF and that didn't work out for her, however, Max has discovered that living separately is less stressful for him.

The choice here isn't only hers- to get therapy or not, but if the motivation is to get therapy is to find another GF, it's good she's getting therapy but that would be to have the open marriage with women and remain married to Max, and live with him, in between GFs.

If the motivation to get therapy is to have the security of a place to live and the emotional caretaking Max provides, then moving back in with him will take away that motivation.

Max has choices too. Decide that this open marriage, isn't for him- and accept that they want different things that can't be resolved: monogamy or open marriage- take the responsibility of ending the marriage. Or continue to accept the new status of "open marriage" and if we are going by predictions, expect more of the same now that this is open.

If we consider that the consequences of moving out to have a relationship and then the break up are the learning experience that could motivate someone, then moving right back in with Max takes that away and restores the status quo-  with the additional ability to seek out other partners if she wishes. This is also Max's choice to consider.

A third option is to for Max to choose to continue living separately in a temporary separation and if the wife is motivated to make changes- to realize that change is slow and a seemingly quick recovery would be unlikely to maintain and hold this to a longer time frame under theraputic supervision. However, also consider that wife is in her 40's, has been in therapy since her teens, and so some time to see the effect of therapy is established. In this circumstance, wife might also seek out other relationships or stay the course.

Thanks Pook,  I'm going to hold onto what you wrote
 What feels like the right thing leading to the worst outcome.
 Because of the support I've found here, I feel I can continue to grow and change my unhealthy behaviors

That's a big realization and I do believe you're right.  It's not healthy for you or your son.

He needs to learn right from wrong and that comes from mom and dad.  If he's abusive towards you, he'll eventually be abusive  towards anyone he's in a close relationship with.  My BPD ex-wife coddled our BPD daughter, while I stood my ground with firm boundaries.  It made for complete chaos in the home and everyone was broken.  Our youngest daughter is in therapy today re-evaluating everything that happened 10-15 years ago.

Rescuing is great, but there's a fine line between rescue and enable.  That's the line you'll continue to walk, with what feels like "the right thing" leading to the worst outcome.  It's so hard for sure.

I had a disturbing realization today about my self.  There is a good sized part of me that doesn't want to protect my right not to know. It's the Mom part of myself (albeit unhealthy) that my swbpd would always run to. The one who had his back, believed in him, comforted him, protected him....  Because of his illness he has reacted as he did as a little boy in many ways. Because of my own brokenness I was hooked into playing my part. This way of interacting isn't good for him or myself. I'm anxious all the time. At therapy today I did more work on CBT skills and I'm challenging my catastrophic thinking that fuels my anxiety.  Anyway, at home looking at some of my thoughts,  I realized it is also  painful for me to set boundaries because of my need to be needed and loved by my swbpd. I have felt loved and hated by him.  By rescuing him , I am feeling good about myself. That is so very sad to admit about myself.  I hope it's ok to share things like this here. I kind of don't know what to do with it except own it.

In my family, and my BPD mother's FOO- it was like "The Emperor Has No Clothes" story when it came to BPD mother's behavior. We were not allowed to ask about it or talk to anyone about it.

If someone didn't go along with this, they were the problem. As young kids, we didn't know any different. I guess it was when I began spending time away from home- going to friends' houses, school, eventually I noticed- my mother was different from my friends' mothers. My BPD mother would have dissociated rages at night, and the next morning, my parents would act as if nothing happened. We learned to not ask about it.

But we saw what we saw and eventually if there were any issues between me and my mother, - she would say that I was the one with the problem.

I credit my father for the stability in the family and the good his support did for us, and yet, I think he had to know.  Same with my mother's FOO who at one point also believed I was the "one with the problem". They were all intelligent people, so how was it that they couldn't have known something wasn't OK at the time? Many years later, they figured it out but not then.

It's so different depending on who we're talking about.  I have BPD in-laws that have been trouble in the past, but they're not an essential part of my life so it doesn't matter.  They'd get mad and we wouldn't talk for awhile.  Then things would be okay.  And that was 100% fine; they didn't change the outcome of my life either way.

For my BPD ex, we're on good terms now but we only talk once in a blue moon over the kids or something like that.  So it's easy to have that relationship as well.  Strangely though, there's a part of me that really doesn't like who she is as a person anymore and I wouldn't want to be close again anyway.  So in my case, distance has not made the heart grow fonder...it's let me see the past abusive stuff with crystal clarity.

With a BPD kid, it's entirely different because you want to reconcile no matter what.  You don't want to be a stranger or the favorite person, so it's a balancing act of staying sort of close and distant at the same time.  I still haven't fully figured it out and probably never will.  The analogies ring truest with this relationship though because I'd love for it to be more normal like with my other kid.

In my experience, BPDxw made new "friends" easily, which I initially thought was unusual, given what I knew about her own poor self-image, and insecurity about her childhood and family situation.  I put "friends" in quotes, because really she made new acquaintances easily. But I surmised that because she had such a lousy self image, she needed constant contact so she could compare herself to others.  The alternative was sitting with her own thoughts, which was apparently torture for her. 

She liked to meet people with worse situations in life than her, because in her mind, feeling superior to someone else felt better than being alone with her thoughts.  When someone was more successful than her, more accomplished, had more money, etc., she would pin it on me, and complain I needed to make more $$$, or a boat, or a bigger house, etc.  I noticed over time, the "friends" she got closest to were the ones who had problems. 

ANYWAYS, I asked BPDxw once, after we had a lousy experience with a play date (because the parents were trash) "We've met a lot of nice moms and nice families in these mom groups.  How come you don't invite THE NICE ONES over?"

She said something like "I don't like interacting with the moms who are perfect because it makes me feel bad about myself."