A small update: I have been visiting my mum for a week and have talked about the situation in depth. Strangely, when I was there I got the impression she didn't actually want to go ahead and do kick him out, and it seemed this was for two reasons: first, I think a part of her is anyway (understandably) scared and worried at the idea of asking police to evict her son. Second, she is nearing her 80s, and the place where they live is not the kind of place where you would want to live in your 80s. Too isolated etc. So she is considering moving herself, instead of having him move out.
I got the feeling the main reason she wanted to kick him out was basically to do "the dirty work" in my place, and making him leave before leaving herself, to avoid having him destroying the house I own. I told her that will be my responsibility when it comes to it, and she does not have to do anything or live hell to do it for me. Anyway, she left me the contact of her therapist and lawyer to get an update on the situation from them directly from a clinical and legal point of view.

Today I called the therapist. She gave me a summary of her view on the situation. She thinks a gradual approach where my mum starts to leave more often for short breaks and then moves out might work better than a sudden eviction notice from the police to my brother. The main reason is that she thinks he is incredibly frail, and not at all able to accept anything like this and do anything on his own. So she is scared of what he would do if he was to receive such a news, including doing harm to himself or others. A more gradual approach instead would make him used to the situation and to living on his own. In her opinion, it is highly likely that once my mum moves out, he would move out as well. But he would not be able to go to my mum's, as she is thinking to move into an assisted living facility.

I am left much more relieved about the situation after talking with the therapist to be honest. It seems both my mum and my brother are supported in some way, and that is good to hear. I think the house I own might become off limit for a while, and there might be problems in the future, but honestly that is the part I am the least interested in at the moment. The important thing is there might be a way for my mum to get a bit of peace, for my brother to be forced to gradually leave the nest and for me not to get triangulated in again.
The only thing that remains strange is that my mum is still keen that I call the lawyer as well... Who I have really no idea what might say, but given the discussion I had with the therapist there is not much they should do, I think... Unless my mum was actually still considering kicking out my brother against the advice from the therapist... But that was not the impression I got from my mum last week!
I will wait to manage to have a proper conversation with my mum (which can only happen when my brother is away) before seeing if I still have to contact the lawyer...

Welcome back!  As much as no one wants to suffer or encounter overwhelming distress, as the saying goes, there is light at the end of the tunnel and life can get so much better.

Thank you for paying it forward!

One pattern I've seen over the years and particularly in my own family court hurdles is that courts are very passively reluctant to make major changes to custody and parenting time schedules.  Same goes for the associated professionals.

It's almost as though the court expects major fixes to be too shocking to the children, so they take a "least intervention that addresses the current situation" approach.  I recall my lawyer saying something like that and I remember thinking - or saying - "What if the child wants and needs big changes?"  My parenting in my divorce was like the markets, huge crash at the beginning and then stair stepping back up over time.

You may need to get the services of a trusted Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to represent the legal interests of the children.  I recall William Eddy observing that experienced lawyers don't make much money in such assignments and too often newbies find themselves overextended.  But beware, even there the GAL may go along with the court's passive pace and minimalist approach.  My son's GAL was great but it took a few years and a couple order improvements to attain an order that worked.

I was in your shoes once upon a time.  It's awful.  It may also seem overwhelming to try to think of a way out, or even just a path forward, but if you start to break things down into smaller tasks, it gets easier. 

And just thinking and planning can provide mental relief from the situation.  I found that planning my way out, and doing small things helped me cope with the situation better and not get so emotionally wrapped up in the fights my now ex-wife would pick.

First of all, see if you can get into therapy.  Just having someone to talk to helps clear your head and make sense of the chaos.  BPDers love to muddy the waters around who is right, who said what, who is justified in being angry, who was wronged, etc. and if you're struggling to make sense of this stuff it can help to talk it out.

Second of all, see if you can scrape together $500 or so and visit an attorney for a private, confidential consultation on what the divorce process looks like and what the likely outcomes would be for you.  I did this, and I maintain it was the best money I ever spent. 

Once you have a legal roadmap of the path forward, you can identify other tasks and information you should start gathering.

Of course, you may also decide you don't want to leave, in which case that can also be helpful to underscore in your own mind that you need to find ways to co-exist with teh pwBPD better, instead of looking for a way out. 


How isolated are you?  Can you at least call and talk to them?  If you had to leave and go long distance, could you at least do that?

Filing first often provides some legal advantages.  This is why you need to speak with an attorney.

Also, as an aside, his behavior with money is REALLY suspicious.  I think you also need to know what he's spending his money on and where it's going.  Speaking to an attorney could open the door to recommendations for a private investigator (although they are not cheap) who could collect evidence you could use in court. 

LASTLY: Keep all your preparations and notes on this confidential.  If you can have things sent to your work address, rather than home address, do that.  Or get a P.O. Box or something like that. 

I did file a report.  CPS came out guns blazing, but then (somewhat predictably) went quiet.  But they are involved, FWIW (it is apparently not worth much). 

Aside from that, I won my first legal hurdle; the court is taking things more seriously & gave me everything I asked for temporarily, putting BPDxw behind the 8 Ball.  More hearings coming up if we can't settle, but I'm in the driver's seat, which is good. 

I first came to BPD FAMILY 13 years ago (Oct 2013). Only recognize a few members on here from back then. I haven’t posted on here since 2019.  A brief summary of my story.

-Married 18yrs had 2 sons 8 &13. Caught my wife (literally) in bed with a neighbor on FATHERS DAY 2013. Came home at night and kids were in bed with her nowhere in site, until I discovered her at neighbors.

-She abandoned myself, our sons and her family (Mom, Sister, Brother).

-She ends up with the neighbor (across the street) moves in with him and marries him. No thoughts or concerns about what Me and our sons have to deal with being that she is shaking up with neighbor.

-My sons and I go through a Literal Heal on Earth. Those early years were BRUTAL, every day felt like an ETERNITY.

-She told lies about me abusing her and our sons and other nonsense. I was abusive but she leaves the kids with me (make it make sense!!).

Please look up my posts for more details on my story and my journey to healing.

I stopped back in here to offer hope to anyone in the early stages of dealing with being hurt by a pwbpd especially if you were abandoned and lied about.  My journey was very painful but coming to BPD FAMILY and learning about FOG and getting myself out of the dysfunctional cycle was life saving.  I learned on these boards that I needed to go no contact to allow myself to step back and see things as they really were.

Being able to see others sharing THEIR VERY SIMILAR stories made me realize that I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t going crazy.

Thanks to my faith in Jesus and my education on here I was able to forgive my Ex Wife wBPD and to FOCUS on my healing, my emotional health and especially raising my 2 sons who were in as much shock and pain as I was.

My life now:

-Healed and emotionally healthy.  I dealt with all the pain and anger and left it in the past.

-I have a very close and open relationship with my sons now 26 & 21. We are open honest with each other and are able to talk about anything. Being in the trenches together with them as the BPD bombs were going off all around us drew us very close to each other. What parent doesn’t want that.

-Met a beautiful Christian woman (widowed) and we’ve been dating for 3+ years.  She is such a blessing in my life!!

-I don’t interact with my Ex Wife wBPD much these days as our kids are now adults BUT she also benefitted from me being on here as I got to a place where I could be cordial and civil with her. TRUST ME I HAD NOTHING BUT HATE FOR HER WHEN I FIRST GOT ON HERE (check out my old posts, and my profile name says it all).

-Lastly my faith in my Heavenly Father & Savior has grown through this whole ordeal as I had to cry out to God as my whole world was crumbling around me.  I can’t help but to believe that it was God that led me to this site.

My heart goes out to all the hurting men and women who are just starting out on this journey or who are still in the throes of a lifelong struggle. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and take it one day and even one moment at a time.  There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Sincerely MWC

Romans 8:28

My apologies as my post deleted 95% of what I wrote.  I will ...TRY... to Re-Post.  frustrating as there is NO WAY to delete my original post that was incomplete.

MWC

 

I will forever be grateful to all BPDFamily members and resources for supporting me in the darkest of times.

Today 10 years on my daughter is supporting your loved ones.

WDx

Hi sad22,

Unfortunately I became aware pretty early on that most of the negative stuff that my udd would say that  "other people" thought and said about me was not true, and I would say that chances are these are not the comments this therapist has made towards you so try not to dwell on it or be upset by it.

Iam among the parents who are estranged from my udd  and although it is not a perfect situation Iam grateful to get my life back. The estrangement came about because I would not drop everything EVERYTIME my udd needed a babysitter. In her mind her needs simply came first regardless of any of my own commitments, my sleep schedule or my freetime. There were many times when my gc were brought to my home to be looked after home without warning because udd had made other plans(usually a hook up, or was simply too tired) and then there were other times where I would be waiting for hours for them to turn up or to be collected with no phone call.

If this was a friend  giving you a way out of this toxic r/s you would take it but because it is our children we carry on out of a sense of love and duty while it affects our mental and physical health. As a working adult I agree that your dd has a financial obligation to help with her air fares and if you are genuinely hurting her all the time by offering another prospective I think it is time let go and stop JADEING( justify, Arguing, Defending, Explaning) and trying to smooth things over (which you acknowledge has never gotten you anywhere)and respect her wishes and  go and enjoy your your time away with your husband)

Hi Northern,  the answer your question of "why do I stay", is probably multifaceted.  First, as hard as it is, I do love my husband.  While I realize that it is probably not the healthiest of things, I have done (and continue) a lot of therapy and self work to help myself build a life for myself and my kids where I try really hard to enjoy his good times and avoid him during his bad times.  Its not always possible, but I try really hard to realize the situation for what it is, he is sick.  I spent many years focused on how to "fix him" and tiptoe around him, to realize that the only "fix" to the solution is to live my life, knowing I am not doing anything wrong, show my love to him when he is in a good mood and avoid him as much as I can when he goes into his mean mode.  I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that any of this was easy, its literally crazy making (my uBPDh's newest thing is that I am having an affair with the neighbors behind us because I open the blinds in the morning and 3 of the 11 windows face their house, so he is refusing to do so!  LOL) as I pretty much live my life with one foot out the door ready to run.  Secondly, I feel for my kids.  I am a very strong Mama bear and will give my life to protect all of my kids.  I understand the theory behind it being better to live 1/2 your life in a relatively normal/stable house, instead of all of your life in a chaotic one, but when it came to the actual practice of that for my kids, I didn't feel that it was actually sustainable for them.  My uBPDh and I lived separately for about 6 months.  We have 5 kids, I have 1 SD15, 1 S15 whose father has passed away, 1 D12 whose father has passed away, 1 S8 with my uBPDh and 1 D5 with my uBPDh.  During the time that we lived apart, my uBPDh completely turned my SD15 against me, it is now at the point that neither she or I feel comfortable around each other (she is at our house only 2 nights a week).  I have seen the extreme damage that he has done to her and don't wish any of that on my kids.  Her mom is a very involved mom, but she says nothing to my uBPDh  and refuses to look at the damage that has been done to her D, when the damage is pretty evident.  I know that I could not sit quiet like she does!  Also during that time, I did all that I could to keep our younger kids from having to be alone with my uBPDh.  Unfortunately, there were times where my younger kids would have to go over to my uBPDh's house and it was disastrous!  These days would start with one of my children refusing to go to school, as he didn't want to be away from me.  As it would get closer to the time that they needed to leave for their dad's, the kids would try to make themselves busy as an excuse as to why we couldn't leave on time and would beg me to not make them go when I finally convinced them that we needed to leave, or if their dad picked them up they would cry or look like they were about to cry as they were made to get in his car.  There were a hand full of times that I had to go over to my uBPDh's house to help our youngest fall asleep, as she couldn't fall asleep without me, but my H wouldn't talk to me, the door would be unlocked I would go in his house, laydown with her on the couch and put her to sleep, then head home, not a thank you or anything from him (he was actually usually already asleep when I would leave).  My H would be too lazy to make dinner for the kids and thought that MacDonalds/taco bell dinner just about every time they went to his house would be something that they would love, they started to complain to me that their stomach's hurt when they were at his house.  I would pack a lunch for the kids for at school, which he would be unhappy that I packed it, so he would throw out the food intending on packing it himself, but then would forget to do so, similarly he would forget doctors appointments that were scheduled on a day that he had them, etc.  Then when the kids would come home either 24 or 48 hours later they would lose it telling me that dad interrogated them in the car on the way to MacDonalds as to who was sleeping in bed with mom every night, etc, blah blah blah and when they would say no one, its just mom or we slept with mom last night, etc, he would tell them they were liars and rip them a new one and not give in on it with them.  As an FYI, he still had access to the RING cameras at every entrance to the house and inside the house at this time, so he pretty much knew my every move and knew that I was not doing anything shady!  I would never forgive myself if I left my kids to defend themselves alone with him.  I understand that they would most likely adjust over time, but is the adjustment that they would make something that is considered positive to life?  I think each family needs to decide this part on their own.  The part that I do question about staying with my uBPDh is when it comes to my older children whose father has passed away.  As his stepchildren, to him in his bad mood, they are just an extension of me and if he is ignoring me, then he ignores them...clearly I have them lie for me all the time, etc!  I do question if staying for what I believe to help our younger children is hurting my older children.  I do my best to be there for them, not allow insults to get thrown their way, be a big supporter in their activities, etc...pretty much not allowing him to actually parent them even though he lives in the same house as them. 

Reading your post about the physical violence and profanity used against you, a line that she keeps crossing.  pwBPD will push buttons repeatedly, and if it is something that they know really bothers you but there is no consequence, they will continue to push that button, its working for them!  They want you (as someone close to them) to be hurt, just like they are hurt and they justify hurting you by twisting up reality to make it out that you are the bad guy in all of this.  When the physical violence/profanity has occurred, what have you done?  I can tell you that the same used to happen in my household, and continued for years, until I finally called the police and he has had to deal with that consequence, which is a whole other topic, but he now knows, as I tell him when I begin to see him go into that mode, "if you touch me, I will call the police" and I mean it. 

Last thing that stuck out to me when I read your post is that you have a hard time walking away when your wife starts in on you as she won't give you the baby.  My uBPDh is the same way.  When he gets in his mode, he clings to one of the kids and when he loses it on me he usually won't let this one child leave his side.  This actually just happened about 3 days ago, he told our S8 to sit with him and chatted with him for maybe 2 minutes, then started in screaming at me out of no where with stupid accusations and wouldn't let my S8 leave his side, he literally had to be touching him.  My D5 and D12 came running to my side and I closed us in our bedroom.  I thought about going to physically move our S8 away from him, as he made him sit next to him as my H watched an adult TV show (nothing inappropriate, but not something my S8 wanted to watch), but decided that was dangerous for both my son and myself.  Eventually my S8 fell asleep, and about 12 hours later, my H was too tired taking care of him so stopped his craziness with him.  Separate from my H, I sat with my S8 and talked through the event with him, my intention was to let him know that I did not abandon him with his father in a crazy mode, and explained why I did each move I did, which I believe felt comforting to him. 

Unfortunately, these relationships are incredibly hard.  I believe each family needs to choose what they believe is best for every aspect of their family, which can def change over time.  There are things that can be done to make things easier, in theory, that center around you, but only you can decide what is best for you and your daughter.