When I finally decided I'd had enough after her worst outburst, I stayed away from our usual haunt for a couple of months so that I wouldnt be tempted to re-engage - though I knew this time was different and I really was never chasing her again.

It actually came as a huge relief over those couple of months because, though I missed the few good times we'd had, it felt great not be out with her and waiting for the inevitable rage burst to come. I went out with my lifelong friends and it did me good to have normality again.

I adjusted pretty quickly into life without her and the constant living on a razor's edge of emotional turmoil. You simply reach a point where you suddenly 'wake up' and see the bad far outweighs the good and you don't want a lifetime of that. You no longer think 'I'll give them another chance' you just want out.

My first 30 days were very similar- I told my wife to go if that's what she wanted.  And the next day, she mentioned that we'd been together for 23 years and we'd be throwing that away.  But I stayed stone-faced; if that's what you want, then that's what you should do.  I never wanted that but like you, I was so tired of being neglected and used as the scapegoat for everything.

I can't remember when that started to change- day 5 maybe?  It broke me to the core once I realized that in her mind, it was actually over and there was nothing else to discuss.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and I realize now why she felt that way, but at the time I figured that this was another one of those self-sabotage things that would last a few days and then we'd focus on making the marriage stronger.

I fought for my marriage for maybe six-nine months, and I couldn't start rebuilding because I was buried in family debt and living in our family home.  Our bills were over $6k a month and without my wife contributing, I was taking on extra work and barely eating because I couldn't afford groceries.  She refused to communicate as well so it's not like we were talking about this stuff.  So my "rebuild" process didn't really happen for almost two years, after the divorce and selling the home.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're struggling and so much of this comes down to communication style and validating feelings.  BPDs need a lot more validation, through words and actions, because they're mentally ill.

Let that sink in for a moment.  She's not angry/mean because she wants to be.  She's not doing it to hurt you.  She's doing it because she's mentally ill and lets her emotions get the best of her.


Take a look at the bolded parts above to get a feel for what I mean.

You identified that this was about "her feelings".  Feelings are tied to BPD, to mental illness.  And when those feelings start going sideways, we can either be supportive to level out those feelings, or we can be combative and make things 1,000 times worse. 

Because here's the thing, all your wife was saying in that argument was, "I wish I had more time with you."  Now, that's not what she actually said, but that's probably what she meant.  Again, mental illness got in the way of her being truly vulnerable.

In other words, she had "out of control feelings".

However, you said that you "proved her wrong."  That's impossible...you can't prove anyone's feelings wrong.  Feelings are real and they're always 100% true.  If you're sad, it doesn't matter why you're sad...it's a fact that you're sad regardless.  And the only way that changes is if you find a reason to be happy (or any feeling other than sadness).

So in this particular argument, your wife is trying to say, "I'm lonely".  Yet you proved to her that she gets plenty of attention already.  How do you think that made her feel?  Again, this is about feelings...and feelings are always true.  How would you feel if you told a friend or family member that you're lonely and they said, "No you're not and I can prove it!"

That's just not how feelings work.

I'm not saying any of this to judge you because we all get this wrong so often.  Hopefully you can see that it takes a different way to communicate when it comes to FEELINGS.  Because that's what BPD is, it's intense unstable feelings.

If your BPD wife says she feels lonely, neglected, or anything similar, you hug her and say that you want to spend some time with her now.  Then you can skip the argument and focus on what really matters, helping her change her feelings in the moment.  I hope that helps to get you started.

Hello everyone,

I've always appreciated the thoughts being shared here, so I've decided to share my complex and painful story.

About 2.5 months ago, my relationship with a high-functioning, fearful avoidant with quiet BPD (22M) entered a rupture. During our relationship, we were living together for most of 2025 and had been romantically seeing each other since 2024. The beginning of the relationship was quite the textbook love bombing. I was initially reluctant and a little guarded, because I had never had anyone put me on a pedestal like that before. Eventually, I fully embraced it. We actually didn't really label it a relationship at first. We just spent a lot of time together and made each other feel equally comforted and needed. Maintaining this was easy because we were neighbors at this point, living in the same apartment complex. He listened to my needs and toned down the intensity a little bit after some time of smothering. Things were pretty good, despite my knowing something was a little off and he had a sordid past, which he was still mostly hiding from me until he became more comfortable, rightfully so. He was taking medication from prior therapy and awaiting the results of his diagnosis, which was later confirmed as BPD. Soon he stopped going to therapy.

When I met him early on, I was informed that he had a rocky relationship with his mother, whom he was splitting on when we first met. She was a source of abuse during his childhood and was often not present. As far as I knew, she moved away with a new boyfriend and didn't talk to her son for months thereafter. He also had a dream to live freely in a van, but money was tight. Eventually, he needed a place to stay and so I decided to run the risk and help him by letting him stay with me. I was actually in the early stages of moving myself, so we had decided to officially become roommates in the next place (i can be a little codependent). At this point, the connection was still going strong and we found a lovely apartment in a nearby town. I vividly remember this next moment when we shared our first breakfast in the new apartment. He was quieter than usual and I sensed some anxiety and doubt on his face, almost as if he knew or feared what was inevitably going to happen 6 months later. I think he is aware of his cycles. Two weeks had gone by from that moment and his best friend had suddenly committed suicide. The moment he found out, he came to me for comfort and we just lay together for a while, in silence. The grief he experienced later was delayed, and came in intense bursts. He tried to shield me from it, but sometimes the cracks showed and I was quick to soothe. He would sometimes reject my help, only to later seek it. I found myself managing micro crisis after micro crisis. This started becoming a turning point for us and I found myself needing more and more reassurance as I felt him periodically pull away or go cold without explanation. My knowledge on BPD was very little at this point, so i often internalized a lot of this and thought I was doing something wrong. Then it would be followed by immediate bursts of passion and connection-seeking again. So it became a push-pull dynamic if you will. He stopped taking his medication at this point as well, after the first few grief and emotional bursts. I obviously questioned this decision but there was little I could do. He would not budge.

Then things become more extreme: suicidal ideation, medication withdrawal, insomnia, lies, manipulation and socially rebelling by not telling me where and what he was doing and being gone for several nights. I wanted to make sure he was safe and I needed to feel secure on where we stood. I realize his behavior was mostly in reaction to me having gone on a road trip for a day beforehand and coming back later that night than expected and planned. He knew days in advance where i was going and what i was going to do. His abandonment fears must have been activated, judging by his sudden behavioral shift. This was the point where the most friction occured. Several arguments, although never demeaning or personal attacks, were just general frustration and fear. I worried he was cheating on me, but he was always the introverted type, not sexually driven either. Usually I can tell when he lies to avoid confrontation, this time i was sure he wasn't. It took him a long time to get comfortable sexually with me, but ultimately he built that connection and trust really intensively. He has a sexual abuse history, which he painfully shared with me a few weeks before it all crashed down, so him being sexually vulnerable was a big deal. After a week of this behavior, he stopped the escapism and we communicated and became extremely close and comfortable again for a while, until I started to notice something else...the next storm. His mother had one random day reached out. The two of them entered a new cycle of their connection. He was eager to show her the apartment he had managed to live in with me. She came to visit him for lunch and they spent some quality time together. I was slightly surprised but also happy for him. Unfortunately later i realized where this was heading, because I also saw that he was a bit riled up by her. I may have overstepped here, but we argued about her. I saw how he began submitting to her inquisitive requests, without holding her accountable. He was defending her when i exclaimed that she wasn't reconciling, but rather sounding a bit demanding. He is quite the yes-man, so he jumps at anything. A month before the rupture, he suddenly became curious about the rental agreement again, which had me questioning and fearing the worst. He assured me it was to "just go over something", but I called bs. I believe he was considering leaving at that point. I became anxiously attached and felt possible abandonment incoming. The dust settled for a few more weeks until we went to visit his hometown (where we also met), and that is when his eventual shutdown changed gear rapidly. I could tell he wanted to move back to his hometown, which took me by surprise, because when we first met, he could not wait to leave it. He began re-idealizing things he had previously run from. I felt hurt and every attempt to reconcile, understand and seek reassurance was met with defensive deflection and little empathy.

Two weeks later he has a sudden psychosis event. Stress began compounding for him (the relationship, financial trouble due to job instability, adult responsibilities, best friend's suicide, missing home, etc). This was scary. He was unrecognizable, unapproachable and living in a different reality. Paranoia became the norm for him for several consecutive days. I did not know what to do. I tried to reach out for help from someone he knows, but he has always kept very few people close to him. When i retreated to keep to myself for my own sanity, he'd eventually snap out of the episode for brief periods and want to be near me for comfort and he did seem concerned with how I was feeling too. I should add, there were many moments during our relationship where he was extremely caring and empathetic. It only gradually started declining the more overwhelmed he became.

Fast forward, he abruptly moves out at the end of October and back into an enmeshed home with his mother whom I might add, is quite controlling and opinionated based on what I saw. I felt disrespected by her, despite my efforts to help her son and inadvertently be the caretaker that she failed to be during all of those months. I now became a bit of a scapegoat in this situation. A deliberate attempt by her to try and shift the blame and his guilt and get into his good graces, possibly to use this as an opportunity to turn him compliant and on her terms as well. The lack of accountability here is frightening. The triangulation of this now new dynamic between the 3 of us didn't last much longer. During this period I had moved back to a short-term rental in the same city where he and I both met, coincidentally a block away from where his cousin lives and his old neighborhood. About a month of periodic hanging out still occurred post-cohabitation until the end of November, and I saw him slowly regressing further. He was not so much in control of his life anymore, as if he is repaying a debt to his mother for reaching out to her during the psychosis event to have her help him move. During this time, he had been apologetic and still vulnerable with me. Maybe he knew he needed to reset, but just couldnt put it into words. I felt the push-pull he was experiencing between choosing her and me. I could sense regret, shame, and longing in him after he had given up and accepted his fate in his new home. The grass wasn't greener. Who would've thought running from your problems doesn't work! He gave up adult intimacy to a conditional environment that he also described as a "cage" shortly before the rupture, as he and his mother argued with him wanting to see me and her inconveniencing him about something else that particular day. He expressed instant regret to me for sharing their renewed drama. Moments of vulnerability and affection towards me still seep through up until here. He said he wanted to make things work with me, but didn't know how. He's even expressed wanting to grow with me and brought up living in a van or camper again, which he knows is a lifestyle I am also open to. Sadly, a major lack of skills and coping mechanisms is present overall, so the communication was always at a deficit.

The day the rupture happened, he told me he was going back to therapy, which he said he was apathetic about. I felt him being quite cold with me that day, so I called it out. I had to know what he was feeling towards me so I could firmly move forward and not be stuck in this anxious fog. Then he said he didnt want to hurt me more and that he felt he wasn't ready for a relationship, which was also addressed months earlier once (the not being ready part). A classic shame shut-down and deactivation line. However, this time it felt a bit final...like he was ready to discard me. Following this, he said he would "like to remain friends" with me, which to me momentarily felt like an instant knot in my heart. I immediately drew a firm boundary and said this was not something I could do, that I cannot minimize my feelings and that i wasn't forcing him to be or do anything he did not want to. I thanked him for finally showing me "how he truly feels". Then i proceeded to unfollow him and go dark for 10 days out of anger and hurt. This I feel, shocked him into a deep freeze where he is now splitting me. I reached out to him after 10 days, roughly 3 times. Once before Christmas and twice after in January, with the most recent having been 4 weeks ago. I said i was hoping he was okay and that i still cared and wasn't angry and that I'd be open to any capacity contact of his choosing should he ever want to. No labels, no expectations. It might be a contradiction to what he believes, but I still did not back down from my boundary. I dont think the silence is deliberate. He viewed each ping, but no reply. I have not heard from him in nearly 3 months. His social media appears largely frozen as well. Now I fear he has fully submitted to his shame and enmeshed dynamic, and with lack of object constancy, is probably suppressing everything to do with me.

The silence has been extremely difficult and painful because part of me wishes his anxious side would slip through and reach out, but he has completely disappeared. It has made me question my stance and decision and resulted in a lot of ruminating. The 1-year anniversary of his best friend's passing is fast approaching and if people with his profile operate on cycles (often to involuntary sabotage) then i am wondering if he is currently sitting in a pressure cooker, where another sabotage is inevitable. Once and if the dissociative fog lifts, i fear of being dragged back into the chaos, because it would not come from a healthy and regulated place. I know he loves me and I now know he likely used the friendship due to lack of capacity as an attempt to keep me close on his terms, likely knowing full well he loves me more than a friend. When I pulled the plug it must have properly shocked him. I know its not indifference, it feels like a young adult who has regressed back into a child-like trauma freeze. I know he is young, but he traded his adult life for control. Now he has to perform for his mother again.. Maybe they're turning a page and will improve their dynamic in slow progression, but I still felt massively disrespected and whiplashed. He is aware that I am moving again in a couple of months, because I only managed to find a short-term rental in light of the recent stressful transition. For my mental health, I have to move soon, because everywhere I go around here reminds me of him.

I miss him dearly and I can't stop thinking about him. My 29 years of life never prepared me for a relationship like this, despite my having prior relationship experience, whereas he did not. This experience, albeit traumatic, was indeed eye-opening. Despite everything that happened, I still don't see him differently, because I know he has no control over these things, but it may be time for him to be accountable. This experience taught me about my attachment style, and I am trying to move forward with that. The road is a long one. Still, I wonder, is this it? Is he truly gone and detaching, or is he avoiding the reality of what had happened, destined for a rude awakening? He certainly isn't thriving.

I would love to read what you think.

Thank you!

Greatly said. And yes, it was strange relief but also a strange feeling of being lost. Who am I without all of this chaos? I don’t know what to do. The home is quiet. The good times that actually did exist were no more. Absolutely had panic attacks, could feel my heart flutter at times.  Literally felt dizzy and scared. Sadly even a year out I sometimes still feel this way. I’ve never had anxiety but I’m adjusting and realizing I literally have every ounce of myself to that relationship. BPD relationships take everything from you, because you allowed it. Being codependent and a fixer really messed me up.

Welcome. That sounds exhausting.

What I think is important to me is not just the jealousy, but the length of the arguments and how much you are shrinking yourself to avoid them. That can be draining.

Just because there is a name doesn’t mean the behavior will change. What is usually important is whether the individual is willing to accept responsibility and seek assistance.

You don’t have to make a decision about staying or going today. It might be helpful for you to consider: Could you live like this if nothing changed?

Welcome to BPDFamily, though of course we wish it were for a different, more positive reason.

The jealousy your wife has of you encountering other women even in family and other brief normal-life scenarios is not an uncommon experience with persons having BPD traits.  I experienced this too when my ex-wife was triggered without any logical reason.  And yes, there were many late night rants and rages that continued almost without end deep into the night without resolving anything.

As I started reading your story, my first thought was to suggest you not decide to have children until you were confident the marriage had started a healthy and functional path, but that's a bit too late.  Pregnancy and children make ending a marriage, should that be your decision, vastly more complicated due to the custody and parenting issues involved.

Your wife clearly has some deep trust issues that logical reasoning doesn't overcome.  We have found that logical approaches to conversations (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) typically doesn't work when the other person is deeply emotionally triggered.

We sometimes talk of BPD "FOG" (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and it could be that she wanted children quickly so you would feel more "obligated" to the marriage once you have children.

Meanwhile, feel free to read our forums here and interact with others who have similarly felt the impact of BPD.  We have a wealth of hard-won collective wisdom, practical strategies and peer support in our various forums.

One option... Would your spouse be receptive to the concept of joining you in marital counseling?  Then the counselor could recommend she also get separate therapy?  (She might reject the idea if you suggested it since she probably has difficulty listening to you without the emotional baggage of the relationship getting in the way and triggering her even more.  An emotionally neutral professional may get a better response.)

Whether to divorce or not is a serious matter.  Likely you will find that your decision will be largely impacted by whether your wife chooses to overcome her fears and trust you.

It's been 2 weeks since I asked him to leave and said I need space , I need to be treated with respect and I need abuse to stop.

I have had all variety of messages (then emails because I blocked him) .  Wild accusations, nasty messages , victim mentality messages, poor me messages , photos of us together sent repeatedly - back to  aggressive, then round and round in a circle.  After a long email on Friday night where he was drawing a line under us other than practical arrangements (dog etc).  He then turned up on Saturday with a card and flowers- no eye contact, handed them over and left.  A lot of poor me messages followed, then angry again , then back to nostalgic.  I have emotional whiplash.

After sending me 2 more photos of us together yesterday I simply replied :  "I am glad you are getting help (he's confirmed its behavioural therapy and anger management - though not mentioned a diagnosis.  He's reluctant to be medicated at all so is doing this first) and I do care, but I need to see accountability and an end to the abuse.  I'll be there to support him regardless if we are a couple but the abuse has to stop.

Sorry rambling

Boundaries are about ourselves. They are our non negotiables. They reflect who we are, not anyone else.  It's not about being judgmental of someone else or not understanding them. It's not about being controlling. It's about what is us, what isn't us- and knowing that line.

Without boundaries, there's chaos. Imagine if there were no traffic boundaries and everyone was driving all over the road, no red lights, no stop signs. Traffic lights aren't good or bad, or indicative of being judgmental. It's how we can drive safely and get to where we need to go.

Imagine a classroom with no boundaries. The kids would be running amok, no classwork would get done.

This "boundary" with your wife on monogamy isn't a boundary, because it's based on her behavior. Saying you would tolerate her having a romantic GF if she could have a stable relationship is putting the boundary contingent on her. That is making a judgement about her- and it's saying "if she was different, she could have a girlfriend".

A marriage/intimate partnership is unique and can have specific boundaries. An example of monogamy being a boundary would be that it is an important aspect of this relationship to you. It's based on you, not anyone else. When you make it about your wife's behavior, and give contingencies based on her behavior- it's no longer a boundary. If there are no non negotiables, there's no boundaries and when matched with someone with BPD who doesn't have her own internal boundaries- there's the chaos.

Boundaries also determine our responses. We have to be willing to act in response to someone violating our boundary. If not, then it isn't a boundary. If your response to someone crossing your boundary is to seek to understand them, and not act on it, then it's not a boundary. What action to take is also a choice, and understanding can help determine that but the boundary has to be clear.

This concept was addressed in a Dr. Phil show (I know it's a show but he made a good point). A family was focused on their one troubled family member and he said "you are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".

Your wife's lack of boundaries is because of her disorder. Her behavior is a result of her thoughts and feelings. Changing the course would depend on you. It doesn't mean you need to be a brute. Too strong boundaries aren't good either but yours need to be based on you.

It was a fantastic life and she made me feel 7 feet tall until it was that one event. I thought of it as just a small insecurity and I re-assured her that I am hers and hers forever. I had already proposed by then. She agreed but I was a bit surprised to see this amount of anger in her. I anyway processed it and eventually we got married. Somehow we have still not been able to get over this one issue. I find her lack of trust making me feel super constricted in life. Its like if I even look in the direction of a woman walking, she has issue. We have had massive fights over this and I have been trying to make her really see that I am committed to her and her only, yet somehow she fails to understand. She would doubt me from a credit card woman calling and asking for a review, to me holding my sister's hand when I meet her. I am able to see that she's insecure about me going cheating on her but there has to be trust. Quiet honestly, I am man of my word and would never do something like that which is why I committed to her and got married. I have no plans to pursue more relationships. All I wanted was to have a baby and just give my family a comfortable life.

The fights have really left me drained. I literally feel like I have to explain everything to a toddler and at the end of the argument when she does feel calm, I end up super exhausted. In fact it has changed me as a person where I have to change my lifestyle and my social life so those events don't occur so there would be no conflict.
I have actually doubted myself sometimes if I really have a problem of looking towards other woman a bit too much, but I confirmed it from my own family and my lifetime friends and they say otherwise.

We just conceived as well and don't even get me started on how the hell that happened because honestly, I don't know. We didn't really plan but she kind of manipulated me into believing that we have to have a baby some day and people try for pretty long so lets just do it. Internally, I wanted to wait for a year after marriage and travel before I get to the baby planning. Somehow she almost tricked me into it. I look stupid saying this and I know it is my responsibility as well which I agree with but I am shocked how blinded I was. Also, my reaction to that wasn't all happy, internally I just wanted to wait up, it felt too soon.

Anyway, the fights were messy and I was shocked to hear verbal abuse toward me. I remember contacting my friends to feel if all this is normal or not just to confirm if I am making a big deal out of it. I wanted to think it was just anger and an outburst. She did apologise for it later when she was calm but all of it led me to think that I am loosing myself. I have so less motivation, work wise I started to struggle, which has never been the case. I am 33 and she's 30. In India families live together so she stays with me and my mom, we have a fairly big house and we have all the house helps, cooks and servants and maids for all our home chores.

The last fight was about she feeling I have not been giving her enough time which I proved her wrong and I did not apologise, however, I did tell her, if you feel this way, I will make amends and give even more time thinking it would stop the argument, but it did not. She wanted me to admit that I have been given her less time and to apologise for it which I did not. Not this time. And the argument didn't stop until the morning. She took the fight to my mom as well and then her in laws got involved and we decided to take a few days apart.
In these few days apart, I really thought that she would think through and would realise her part and understand, but in fact she accused me to not understanding her. My family knows all this and asked me to take a divorce. They told me that they see a very negative change in me already and it would just not stop and that I will shrink slowly. I don't think that they are wrong. But should I give her another chance? Now, that I know that she has BPD. Will I be able to develop a thicker skin for her arguments and fights or will it make me shrink even though I know it.