Doc Girl, I hope you continue to lean on God to gain the strength you need to take care of yourself and set up healthy boundaries so you can heal from all you’ve been through. A shift happened within me when I finally realized that God didn’t want this for my life, and I’ve been untangling ever since. Wishing you all the best going forward.

Hi again,

While understanding that every person and situation is different, I'll share a bit about my adult BPD stepdaughter's experience, in the hopes to provide some perspective.

Like you, I think that daily marijuana use played a big role in my stepdaughter's dysfunction.  While she thought it was OK, since "everyone uses marijuana," I think the reality is that today's marijuana is more toxic than it used to be.  Since it's available in chewables and other convenient formats, there's a lack of negative bio-feedback (irritating smoke, stench) which can moderate use.  She could use it stealthily, which means she'd consume it more frequently than if she had to smoke it.  And I'm not sure if being female is a factor, but my guess is that female bodies are smaller and have more delicate hormonal constitutions, so toxic substances can have a bigger impact (I'm not a doctor but just commenting based on anecdotal evidence).  Anyway, my message to you is that my BPD stepdaughter did not improve until she stopped using marijuana.  She had to hear it from "professional" doctors to be convinced that marijuana wasn't harmless, but rather was making her feel worse, not better.  My opinion is that for as long as your daughter is self-medicating with marijuana, no amount of therapy will really help her.  Others on this site might disagree with that statement, but my lived experience tells me that marijuana only made things much, much worse.

I guess I have two other messages for you.  First is that your daughter needs to be "ready" for therapy in order for it to work.  I think that means she needs to have hit bottom.  She needs to realize that the status quo isn't working for her, and that therapy is her only remaining hope.  Whereas she might agree to "go along" with therapy in order to get something she wants, such as permission from you to go on a trip or back to college, I don't believe that therapy will work in that situation.  So if you're scrambling to find programs, find money and convince your daughter to attend the program to save her, my guess is that she's probably not ready yet.  I think your daughter has to be the one to take the lead.  She's the one who should be driving the process.  Of course, she's young and probably doesn't really know how to navigate the medical world, and she'll probably need your help to arrange things, but nevertheless she should take the lead.  If you take the lead, she'll think you're "forcing" her into therapy, and she's liable not to take it seriously and/or quit early.  Please, save your money until your daughter is committed to therapy.  If she's quitting early, she doesn't believe in it.  She'll hate the doctors, say everything is stupid, won't tolerate a drug-free environment and ask to go back to her old life, where she's blaming everyone else for all her problems.  You see, therapy won't work until your daughter is ready to do the work, because therapy IS work.  Look, the only time my stepdaughter seemed ready to commit to therapy was when she took an Uber to the hospital by herself.  Every previous occasion, someone else drove her, and she ended up saying she was "forced" into treatment.  One instance she alleges she was "assaulted" when her parent took her to the hospital after threatening self-harm.

My second message is to think in terms of baby steps.  If your daughter's life is looking completely dysfunctional, and you re-enroll her in college, you are basically setting her up to fail.  Sure, she wants to go back to see some friends and go on spring break, but if she has been sleeping all day, abusing marijuana, constantly scrolling on her phone, living in a pig sty and erupting into fits of rage over seemingly nothing, she's showing you she's not ready for a vigorous routine and all the pressures of college.  She probably won't even have the ability to go to class, let alone do her assignments and navigate the pressures of roommates and adult relationships.  I'd say, don't set her up to fail!  She needs to ease into things more gradually.  Maybe her primary focus is therapy for a time.  Then she needs to establish a healthy daily routine, including sleeping right, eating right, tidying her environment, taking care of personal hygiene and getting regular exercise.  If she can handle all that while avoiding blow-ups with you, then maybe she's ready to take an online class or two, or possibly an easy part-time job like dog walking.  Again, baby steps towards building up to functioning on a part-time schedule.  Only once she shows she can handle a normal part-time schedule (and handling some lower-level daily pressures) do you consider letting her go back to college full-time, if that's what she decides she wants to do.  I know that's probably not what you want to hear, nor your daughter.  You could try to frame it in a more positive light:  Darling, we're glad you're ready to commit to therapy.  We know the process is difficult, and we support you on focusing on your health right now.  We know all this might feel overwhelming, and it will be hard work, which is why therapy should be your main focus right now.  The doctors are professionals, they see these sorts of issues all the time, they know what to do.  Try not to worry about college/friends/the future, that can wait.  You don't have to work out your entire life today, just focus on the program for the next few weeks.  (Baby steps.)

Hope that perspective helps.

This is the most solid, honest perspective we can hold onto. Thank you for reminding all of us of this truth.

You get to choose (for you) and your daughter does as well (for her).  Those are two completely different things though that don't go together.  When she's ready, your kid will seek help and hopefully her life will change.  It's her journey though and she's in control.

That sounds lousy- don't parents get a say in the matter?  Nope, we don't.  Once we accept that, it's also quite liberating because we get to separate ourselves from the chaos and drama.  We can still love and support, but we don't have to be in the middle of everything to do that.

You're making a choice and it's the right one.  Hopefully your kid eventually makes the right choice as well.

Hi there - Not sure exactly how to start but my spouse has BPD Cluster B - Things have drastically escalated during the past year. I feel like I've said the same things and asked for the same things over and over again - things improve for a week and then I'm back to square one. This is 13 years in. We share a beautiful daughter. He got charged with Domestic Violence in June. Living in the same house but I know I have no romantic love for him anymore. Does anyone have any advice/encouragement or tips ? I know I need to end the relationship but am fearful of the reaction. He was once my very best friend and now a stranger I hardly recognize. While he is no longer being physically aggressive theres no care shown to me at all. I live each day feeling like a robot only here to support others.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If your daughter is willing I’d get her into the residential program and let the professionals lead the way. Trust them over your daughter, as hard as that may be.

I think the best thing we can do is hold our children accountable for their actions. Using substances is unacceptable, imo, and will only complicate things. Marijuana increases the likelihood of mental illness. The book “Tell Your Children the Truth About Marijuana” by Alex Berenson is eye opening on the subject.

She’s an adult and has to want to get better for this to work. I hope she chooses healing.

BPDStinks, I’ve been NC before multiple times not by my choice and it was heartbreaking. I’m so sorry that’s where you are right now. It’s so hard to navigate these things and not allow it to destroy our own marriages. I hope this period of time will bring you peace and clarity and help you prepare for when your daughter makes contact again.

Pook075, thank you! It’s encouraging to hear from someone on the other side of this. I’m so thankful to hear that your daughter chose treatment and is doing better. It reminds me that there is hope for those who choose to do the work!

To me, this exchange sums up why continuing contact - at least cordial contact - is not possible with a pwBPD.  You have some standards and would not use a child as a means to an end.  pwBPD don't; their needs always come first.  And they blur the lines between themselves and their children when it suits them.  You're trying to communicate in good faith and convey a message to her sons out of concern for them, and she's just looking for ways to reel you back by any means necessary. 

I think it's probably confusing and frustrating for her kids to be in the middle of this, and so unless they reach out to you directly, I would drop attempts to reach out to them.  Give them a break.  They might eventually look you up and reach out later in life, and you'll have an opportunity to build a rapport with them then.  But I don't think this is something you can willingly control. 

Hi there,

I'm so sorry about your daughter, the situation must be really scary for you.  I had a similar situation when my adult BPD stepdaughter attended college, right around the same time that I married her dad.  She started using marijuana daily, experienced a crisis, made a first suicide attempt and landed in the hospital.  By the way, after around a year of self-medication with marijuana, her executive function declined precipitously, and on top of her wild mood swings and bouts of unbridled rage, she was paranoid and delusional.  On some occasions when under extreme stress, she seemed to lose touch with reality.

Like your daughter, my stepdaughter was in and out of McLean.  I felt that the treatments there helped stabilize her, and yet, she wasn't really "ready" to do the real work of therapy at first.  Since she was technically an adult, she felt she could do "anything she wanted," and she generally didn't want to do the recommended follow-up, because she wanted to do other things.  I'm not sure if her executive functioning was intact enough for her to apply for treatment programs, make appointments or execute the administrative side of arranging for her own care.  In a way, I felt like McLean "dropped the ball" once she was discharged, believing that a young adult can manage her own care by herself, and make rational decisions about follow up.  Sure, her dad and I wanted her to get follow-up care, but at the time she was belligerent and uncooperative.  Her dad, in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, allowed her stay at our home for an extended period, basically on "vacation," while sleeping the days away, using marijuana and being disrespectful to us.  Eventually he let her re-enroll in college, because that's what she wanted to do, but against our better judgment, because she wasn't demonstrating that she was in a good place when living with us.  Alas, that was basically setting her up to fail.  And this cycle--falling apart, withdrawing from college, getting a little treatment to stabilize, living at home on "vacation," going back to school, repeated.  Each repeat was worse than the last on.

I will follow up with more later.  In the meantime, take a deep breath.  Things can get better if your daughter takes therapy seriously (and stops using marijuana in my opinion).  McLean has great programs, provided that she's "ready."

Okay, so the advice changes a little since your son is out of the home.  That actually makes this 100x easier on you because it doesn't have to be a daily blowout session at home.

Think about what you said.  Your son:
- can't hold a job
- can't get along with co-workers
- always gets frustrated and quits
- doesn't have any friends
- can't get along with anyone
- is tolerated by relatives
- is passionate about marijuana

What part of any of that is a "you problem"?

The truth is, none of that is your concern.  But here's the problem.  Because he fails at all of that, I'm assuming that you're supporting him and still accepting his abuse.  That's the part that has to stop.  He can do whatever he wants because he's responsible for himself.  But he can't bite the hand that feeds him and expect for it to continue.  That's the lesson you must teach.

Here's the other part of that.  The more he realizes that his attitude isn't doing him any favors, the more likely he'll be to get mental health help.  As long as you're bailing him out though and showing that life doesn't have consequences, the more he'll take advantage of everything in life and create destructive patterns.  You help is actually enabling him to become sicker- you must see that clearly.  That's the only part of any of this that's actually your fault.