Hello dear community,
This is my first message.

I have a romantic relationship with my now Ex-Girlfriend, for over 3 years.

I got advised by my therapist to read Stop Walking on Eggshells, found this community, went through a lot of threads before writing this message.

My ex, has no diagnosis, I of course knew something was not right, but still not sure if it's BPD or something else.

After reading the book, of course a lot of the information rang the bell, but there are some that haven't, that's why I'm concerned if it's BPD or not.

She is great communicating her needs.

At the beginnning she was in a relationship when we met, and it took some time to get to date her.
We met at a party in the summer of 2022, and slowly started talking, but she was living with her ex that time.

It took 4-5 months till we got together, and she left her ex.
I think it was 4 months later that we moved together.

She didn't trash any of her exes, was quite believable what she said about them, but she cheated on her ex with me, and when she left him, never admitted that it was because of another man.

She left her previous ex by cheating on him too with this one before me.

Her relationships were not short lived. The previous was 5 years, and before that was about 1,5.
She has a steady job, for over 6 years now.

Jealousy came quick. She asked me to remove all the girls I follow on socials, I did of course, as I thought she will be ok after. Obviously always something new came. Slowly.

She expected me to provide, which i did mostly, but of course I couldn't totally take over all her bills. I did provide a beautiful flat, food, dates, 2-3 vacations a year.

My job comes with a lots of travelling, therefore the abandonment fears came quick too.
She coped for years tho. She wanted kids, and get married. I promised her it's going to happen.

Lovebombing, admiration towards me, I felt like in heaven.

She is raised well, coming from a conservative family, but suffered a lot of trauma.
As she was young, her family left her in another country when her little sister was born with her grandparents, so I thought the abandonment fears are because of this traumatic experience.

The jealousy, the untrust never stopped, she was blaming me for not making her feel "safe" enough, altough I did everything I could to make her happy.

I had a close female friend, who we long time ago had a romantic night with, altough never followed through and we became very close friends. She hated it, and tried to seperate me from her.

I sometimes love being alone to recharge, therefore I have my own office room in the flat, and every time I went away to my room, she became extremely hostile towards me, stating I don't love her, etc etc. Lots of fights because of this.

Always clingy, expected me to spend all my free time with her, If I tried to go out with a friend for chat, sometimes became arguments, and of course at the end I gave in, stay at home with her.

Always constantly "being sick", back pain, excuses why now she can't do something like cleaning, housework, etc. Needless to say, I love doing housework, and always was there to help, cooking as well, etc.

Despite she said she was traditional, expected me to provide, she also expected me to help everything at home.

She took accountability sometimes tho.

I know she never cheated on me, she was very transparent, also always texted in front of me, openly, never hid her phone, etc..(She always took her phone to the toilet and the bathroom tho.)

But she wanted to know my Unlock Code, so she could sneak into my phone when I went to have a shower/etc...
She also wanted to see my location.

She stated she doesn't trust my, altough I have never gave her reason not to.

Most of her friendships ended in weird way, just in the 3 years 4 very close friendships of her with other females have ending in ways, that they were the problem, the jealous, the fake...etc.

She always had some kind of bad words about them.

I also got to know that in her workplace, most people didn't like her, and her explanation was "they are jealous, etc etc.." Yes, she is a really beautiful woman.

After year 1,5 it started to turn worse.
I was blamed for everything, i did 100 things right, the 101st was not in a way as she expected and I was the problem.

Late night fights especially a day before I needed to fly away for work, were constant.
"Where is my ring? Where is my princess treatment? Buy me this, buy me that", despite the fact I already spent a huge amount of money on her. Illogical spendings on herself, and expectations from me.

Yes she liked to drink wine in the evenings. Only wine, no drugs, but was vaping hard all the time.

Sex was crazy. Never ever experienced anything like that.

Broke up last year, but she didn't move out, found her reaching out to her ex, looked into her phone while we were broken up but still sleeping in the bed with me, to see her dating profile.

We got back together in weeks, so she stayed, but the constant blaming, that I am not doing enough continued.

2 times she phisically assaulted me also. Just slaps, but still.

She has never ever threatened with suicide, tho, not even self-harm.

So why I think it could be BPD:
- Extreme fear of abandonment
- Irrational jealousy
- Irrational spending of her and my money
- Alcohol abuse
- Vaping abuse
- Constant back pain
- Blaming
- Picking fights
- No accountability
- Black and white views
- Delusional memories of previous fights and events

Why I think it might not be BPD:
- No trashing previous relationships
- No self harm / threatening with suicide

She broke up with me a few months ago, then I helped her move out (first time in her life she lived alone and paid for her own apartment. She blocked me everywhere.

She reached out to her ex, got some nice presents from him, meeting a lot.
A few months after we started talking again, I reached out.
She got back together with me, told me that they didnt become romantic, she needed someone familiar to rely on. She even shown me messages with him.

So we got back together again before Christmas, but she stayed in her own apartment, said she wanted to see if I changed. Yes, I believed everything she said was true, that I was the monster, so I promised her the stars, and to change.

I did 200% for the month, I already had a holiday for myself booked, and told her I wanted her to come. First she said ok, but we were due to couples therapy. She said to me that the only reason I now push the therapy so I can prove that she was the bad one, and she doesn't trust me wanting to be together, that I just want to revenge for her leaving me.

At the first session (1 week before the trip), she admitted she is afraid to travel with me because we will have a lots of fights, etc..

So she expected the therapist to make a decision, and she also said if I go alone she will break up with me. The therapist said to her that she has the right to decide to say she doesn't come, but manipulating should not be used in the relationship.

She was mad, as the therapist "was against her."

After long fights, she called me and said, OK, I will come to the trip, but 1 week less than you, because she couldnt get a 3 week holiday from work.

Then I bought her the tickets, and an hour later she called me in panic, crying that it might be a mistake.
She came over, shaking, in total panic, I never saw her like that before.
She said she is afraid to fly back home alone (long haul flight), despite she many time traveled alone longer flights before.

She said I should cancel her ticket, and I did, she said I can go on my trip, everything is gonna be okey and she will wait for me.

A day later she took it all back, stated that if I go, she will break up with me.

It was an important trip for me, mental and phisycal retreat, so I said, listen, I was preparing for this for the last whole 3 months, I really need to to this. (It's a muay thai camp in Thailand, tho).

A day before I went she came over, I gave her lunch which she didn't finish, was very hostile, 30 minutes later I asked if this is why she came or what, she started fighting, blaming, and then just left.

Next day I called her from the airport, and she broke up through phone finally.


I couldnt handle it, I was devastated.
She admitted she didn't do anything in this last month for me, because she observed if I changed anything.

I quit my job in that last month for her, to stay home with her, and find a job in my city.
I took her car to the service, did everyhing I could really, I was a superman for her, yet every day I was listening how I don't make her feel safe.
Despite all this, she easily thrown me away.

I went out, i started the training, etc, of course I shared stories with my friends on Instagram.
There was a day when i wrote her about her current state, and the reply was "How was the night, did you get laid?"

She tho told me she started therapy on her own.

One day suddenly she blocked me from most socials, but left some (Whatsapp/Telegram) open.

Today is day 38 of no contact.

It was not sudden breakup tho, she told me before she is not sure of being together, but mentioned always, that I am the love of her life, and she never every loved anyone like this before.

Just to add, she added that there was a time, when we were broken up she thought about suicide. But that was it, never before, never after she mentioned about this. Anxiety was NON-stop through the relationship. She didn't have much hobbies, but the last year started to read psychology books, and right a week after the breakup she told me she started going to dance classes.

Sometimes the smallest critisising became personal to her.

I know there were times when she said bad things about her sister, by her ex-friend, but to me she was always empathetic towards her. Sometimes tho mentioned how she is much more beautiful then her sister.

She never really got triggered from my facial expressions, or the most little things, but mostly of my reactions to her pokes. She never really humuliated me in front of others, and was very curious and loving towards my family members.

Her father is an alcoholic, beating her mom, and her mom used her as a mental trashcan, even saying how she never loved her father.

Manipulation, gaslighting, double-standards were her special most used weapons.

She stated many times, she is a high-value woman, and what are her epectations, but when I asked what is it that she gives, she just downplayed it and couldn't really give a proper answer.

She always stated I am an avoidant, yet when I opened up how she hurt me, she laughed, said I piss her off. That particular event, I think she regretted tho, becuase the next day she called me about it and apologised.

I bought her a ring a year ago, she knew it, now after the we again got together again, she said she doesn't like that ring's color and we had a lots of fights about it, so I should get another one. In 2 weeks I sold it, and was ready to buy another, but she said let's not rush this. She knew I wanted to ask her to marry me in that upcoming trip.

While having sex, every time she asked me to finish in her, yet as soon as it happened she blamed me for taking her seriously. After the last one, she even went to take the SOS Pill next day. Might it be she just faked the future family of ours? She always mentioned I should do this and that for the future of our children...


Do you think it's BPD?

The short answer is, yes, she sounds like she has BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.).

Keep in mind different therapists may label the same symptoms with any number of diagnoses. My ex. was diagnosed by one with CPTSD, another with anxiety, and another with BPD.

But some of her behavior sounds a lot like my ex -- lying, projecting, hot sex, sex right away, etc. 

Keep in mind that not all BPD, etc., behave the same. There are a variety of symptoms, and not only do BPDs not necessarily have all of them, but BPD is frequently comorbid with other issues.

Yours sounds like she also is narcissistic. There's a cruelty to some of her behavior, from the insults to others to how she tries to gaslight you.

My ex exhibited other behaviors, too, but like yours, could be quite kind and sweet. It was the Jekyll and Hyde thing. Sometimes she was different on a daily basis. Sometimes she was different at different times of day. I'm not exaggerating when I say it could be like being with a different person. Late in our relationship, I wondered if she had multiple personalities. Even my best friend, who we hung out with, remarked how different she could seem. It wasn't just her behavior but her voice and physicality. She could sound like a little girl one moment and then a sultry woman another.

The weirdest thing is you can see it in photos, too. Her weight can fluctuate, probably due to her medications, but her expressions and the musculature of her face would change in ways that would make you think photos of her taken a few days apart were taken years apart. She's an extremely attractive woman, but in some photos, she would look plain because her face might be slack or there was no real light in her eyes. It wasn't her make up. She's actually one of those women that, to me, looks even better without make up, but she only did that at home. So, in other words, she would change her posture, her body language, her expressions, and so on along with her moods.

If your ex had similar qualities, consider if they happened when she was treating you differently. If you see that pattern, to me it just reinforces the likelihood that she has BPD, etc. Just keep in mind that comorbidity. There are other mental issues she could have.   

Hi Mutt

Yes she's pretty exhausting right now, I'm trying to get my brother to pull back a bit avs protect himself more, he lives ear near her and tried to phone her today and she wasn't answering the phone so he had to go over and do the "death check" she wasn't dead or drunk but was in bed in the middle of the afternoon for god knows what reason! He got the suicide talk, she laid into us all apparently as I seemingly don't do enough despite getting her the help she needs, the doctors told her they would get her psychiatric help but she's now saying she'll refuse it. There doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to BPD! I have a life to live and I intend to carry on living it! She's never had proper jobs or full time jobs so I don't think she gets how much if your week that working consumes and why I can't deal with a pressurised job and her mental cruelty!
My passion is travelling and my partner and I have upcoming trips to look forward to avd I'm not letting her spoil that, he has a really busy and responsible job too. She could easily get up of her backside and make her life better!

What you wrote here really shows the impossible position this puts you in. You tried to get information to her doctor, and at the same time you know that if things are handled clumsily, you may end up paying the price for it with your mother. That is such a hard bind to be in.

It also sounds like you’ve learned, over time, what level of contact is manageable for you. Keeping things limited does not sound cold to me. It sounds like one of the ways you’ve protected yourself from becoming a target of the chaos.

And I think that line, “at least I’ve tried,” says a lot. Sometimes with a parent like this, trying may be all we can honestly do. We can pass on information, call for help when needed, and make choices about our own boundaries, but we still can’t make them accept help or behave safely.

I’m glad you checked back in. Please keep taking care of yourself in the middle of all this.

I remember that feeling you described about feeling like a fraud while you’re quietly getting things ready. A lot of people here have been in that exact spot.

When you’ve spent years trying to make things work, it feels strange to suddenly be moving in the opposite direction while the other person thinks everything is still the same. That internal split can mess with your head.

One thing that helped me wrap my mind around it is realizing that planning for safety and stability isn’t the same thing as being dishonest. Sometimes it’s just the only way to get through a very volatile situation without making things worse for everyone involved.

It sounds like you’re doing the hard work of thinking things through and trying to reduce the fallout as much as possible. That’s not easy to do when anxiety is running high and sleep is short.

Whatever happens in the next couple of weeks, take it one step at a time and keep focusing on staying steady. A lot of people here know how heavy that period right before separation can feel.

One thing that stood out to me in your post was how much thought you’re putting into your granddaughter and what might be best for her in the long run. That really comes through.

A lot of grandparents here wrestle with that same question about being in and out of a grandchild’s life. The hard part is that the level of contact often ends up being determined by the parent, not the grandparent.

What some people end up doing is something close to what you mentioned. Staying quietly present when they can. Maybe a card now and then, or small gestures that keep the door open without adding more pressure to the situation.

It’s not an easy place to be, especially when you care so much and want to be part of your granddaughter’s life.

CC43....I agree: that is what I have done....been very non-chalant..."hi, I hope all is well" or I offer up, on a Monday, dates that I could (I use the phrase "hang out" with kids); if it helps, the very longest she "went" was 10 days, it was LONG....I forced myself NOT to reach out....it was hard....(it seems she flips between me & her mother, she is mad at her mom OR me, never both at the same time, so....her mom & I have secretly taken the kids to each other, of course, they were younger than, now they can "talk", but...at the very least we keep tabs....BPD is just a BEAST....I find it so sad that "we" have to live like this....(bonus for me, my daughter has BPD, also   (I have a therapist who specializes in parents of young adults with BPD)....

Hi Mom/Grandma,

I think your post will resonate with many grandparents on this site--the sudden and seemingly inexplicable switch from loving to hating, isolating you from grandkids, the unreasonable demands about what you're allowed to talk about, twisting the narrative to make you sound like a monster, accusing you of things that never even happened.  The saddest part is that a defenseless child is used as a pawn.  You're worried not only about your daughter, but how her emotional and often angry outbursts can affect your grandchild's well-being.

I suspect that the estrangement is only temporary.  But I also suspect that the push/pull and alternating periods of estrangement will continue for as long as your daughter isn't getting therapy.  The way I see things, any outbursts from her are a sure sign that she's under a lot of stress, and she's taking it out on you.  Being a new mom is certainly stressful.

On these boards I've seen several posts about a BPD mom finding issue with accepting baby gifts from family members.  This might be a form of jealousy--she feels "shortchanged" in some way, or "upstaged."  She might not like to be reminded of you, because she knows she's acting badly, and she feels a mix of shame and guilt.  The idea that she'd have to thank you or "owe" you for the gift is repellent, and so she'd rather not receive any gifts.  Deep down she might feel jealous that her family members give gifts to her baby but not to her.  Or maybe it's a simple as wanting to hurt you, to punish you for purported wrongs, and refusing gifts is a powerful way to do that, because she knows you'll be hurt.  That's my take.  My advice would be not to make any fuss about refusing a gift--you can just put the gift aside and wait, return it or gift it to someone else.  That's what I do.

Sometimes on these boards, a formula that might have a chance of working is to make any visitation with the grandchild about your daughter's needs.  You could frame a visit as giving your daughter a needed break, some time to herself, some time for self-care.  But if you make a visit about you (I haven't seen my grandchild in months!), then your emotional needs come to the fore, as if your feelings are more important than your daughter's.  You could also inadvertently be signaling to your daughter that withholding access to your grandchild gives her power over you, and I think she's likely to continue, to try to punish you and control you.  Does that make sense?

In the meantime, I know you're hurting.  For now, I'd advise to sit tight and wait until your daughter reaches out.  My guess is that she will soon enough.  If she doesn't, maybe you could reach out with short, non-emotionally-charged message like, Thinking of you, hope you are well, to open the door a crack.  But I'd advise against anything that mentions your needs/emotions or puts any obligations on your daughter (I need to see my grandchild, when can I come visit?), because I think it would backfire.  She has all she can handle with BPD and a baby--she can't handle the stress of your emotional needs or feeling that she's letting you down in any way.  She should come to you when she's ready.

Hi and welcome to (no offense!) the club noone wants to be in!  I am VERY sorry to read your post....I have the poor luck to have a daughter with BPD and my granddaughters' mother has BPD....(fast forward 4 grandchildren) it has been 9 years of exactly what you are describing....the back and forth "you can't see the kids....a frantic phone call 2 days later....when are you going to take the kids); my very best advice to you is the (it is SOOO hard!) sit tight....at least, for me, my granddaughters' mother comes around, though, if it was anyone else....I would love to tell her "where" to go feel free to reach out....I know it is maddening!

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this since it's incredibly hard.  The only advice I can give is that this is for right now, not for forever.  Your daughter will need you soon enough.