I found the oppostite with my BPD mother. At a distance, we got along better. Whenever she visited, or vice versa, she would somehow seem helpless, and have me do things for her. Being the parent, she had the upper hand and I would have to "obey your mother".

In her elder years, when I visited, the entire visit would consist of me doing things for her, running errands for her. This arrangement was "normalized" because she did need the help and ethics, culture, expects one to help an elderly parent.

I didn't mind helping during these visits as it they were only for a visit except that, somehow she'd find something I did or didnt do that she was upset about. I would not react to that but it's hard to not have emotions about it. It would have been difficult to be living near her and experience this frequently.

Pook, I wonder if the relocation would change the situation from a visit to being closer all the time. Time will tell on this one.

As to the workforce. I did have a short term mentor situation with a young woman who had BPD (this was not the friend's child). This was a more objective situation than family or friend. To her credit, she disclosed that she had BPD and I told her I knew what that was.  She was bright and capable, but emotionally experienced a lot of performance anxiety and needed a lot of reassurance. I had noticed the same thing with my BPD mother when she did a task, and this explains why she'd get family into a situation to do the tasks for her instead.

Working with her took a lot of emotional energy, extra time, and it was emotionally taxing at times. It was sheer coincidence that we were paired together. This is one reason I wish there was supportive employment training for pwBPD.

I mention this because I think we see a person with BPD as being capable of doing tasks, but the emotional aspect for them may not be as clear. Also, since BPD affects the closest relationships the most, they are more apt to act out with family. Since I was not in that position with this person, it took any personal interactions out of the equation, but she still had her own internal emotional struggles. Hope this observation is helpful if one's child is struggling at what may seem like a doable job task for them.

I've nocited that about my BPD daughter as well; when I'm at a distance, I'm the enemy who has wronged her, done terrible things, etc.  She told her mom a few months ago that we don't speak at all anymore.  And that's true in a way; we hadn't talked.  Not because we were on bad terms or anything- I'm just halfway around the world and we're 12 time zones apart.

Last month, I flew back to the US and bought a house- my wife and I should be able to move back soon.  We had a final embassy interview for my wife's green card that got rescheduled, but we're hopeful that we'll complete that soon.  Maybe we'll be back by Thanksgiving or Christmas?  That's our hope anyway.

Anyway, I told my BPD kid that I was coming home for a few weeks and she started calling/messaging regularly.  She visited me on day one and called almost every single day, plus came over several times to help paint or whatever the house needed.  She was helpful, considerate, and pleasant to be around. 

Yet other family members were kind of shocked- you visited your dad?  I thought you didn't speak anymore.

I realize now that this will be a pattern for the rest of my life.  Sometimes we'll be close, sometimes we'll be perceived enemies.  I can't play into that though or allow it to bother me- I need to be the same regardless of the "chatter" I get from others.  I love my kid and want what's best for her.  Whatever she says or does when we're apart has nothing to do with me- I've learned to accept that and things are much smoother these days.

We are in a new month... how is life a few weeks later?  Any progress on that peace bond, perhaps extending it and tweaking it wherever necessary?

One approach of which to beware is that the legal system expects things to get better over time.  The problem in this case is that dysfunctional acting-out personality disorders don't usually get better - usually worse - because intensive therapy is needed to reshape his thinking and perceptions.  That's where the old analogy "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" comes in.  Most courts don't try to "fix" problem parents, they just set boundaries (orders) and hope the "bickering" fades into the background.  But half-measures too often aren't enough.  So it's up to us parents to step up and ensure we walk out with the best (or least bad) outcome possible.

And thank you Foreverdad for your wise words.

Maybe it is the same for me. I don't think I am ready. It sucks to be alone but at least there is no more drama.

Many people who are disordered seem to gravitate toward posed happy photos.  What you can't see in the snapshot is whether they are truly happy or just a façade.  For all you know they could be bickering and periodically fuming at each other.

As for you, just live a good life and don't fret about them.  Not that we seek revenge, but it has been said, "The best revenge is to live a good life."

It is good that you've waited some time before considering a new relationship.  Too often rebound relationships don't start on a solid foundation.  For most here their ex-partners simply jumped into headlong into new relationships, not giving time to recover and reorient internally.

It took me quite a while before I felt I had stabilized.  I noticed that when I met others I was quick to focus too much on "my ex this..." and "my ex that..."  I needed time to find closure and a measure of recovery first.

Yes, this is really hard. I broke uo with my bodgf 6months ago. Now I have a change to start dating a woman I like a lot but I dont know if I can. I worry about my ex and love her. While she is probably having sex with other dudes or just heart broken at home. I would like to call her but I cant.

Spot on Notwendy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. The other is that- your husband, is her father, and he will naturally have the instinct to protect and care for her, and so holding the line between caring and enabling will likely be a challenge for him.

You have done a lot of work on this situation and have a clearer vision. While you do care for your SD, you may not have the same family dynamics or tendencies as her immediate family members do. So you may see some of the pittfals before your H and others do.

I also, having experienced the limitations my own mother had with BPD, feel there's a balance somewhere between what they are capable of doing and our expectations. My own wish is that pwBPD could have access to supported job training but we are not at the point where this is recognized as a need.

So while your SD's job may not be ideal- or considered a major achievement for someone her age who doesn't have BPD- a lower stress job may be a better fit for her, and seeing that she's overwhelmed when starting is confirmation that this may be all she can handle for now, and hopefully it is.

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.