That he used the word "assaulted" is concerning because in the legal world of police and courts "assault" is an extremely serious allegation.  Of course, this was his perception and a highly subjective one but this should cause you to step back and reconsider the relationship.

Though you're a woman and the professionals might find it hard to picture you as being abusive, can you risk such allegations should they be made in the future?  Less than a year into the friendship and he said that.  What might he say in future years?

As already noted, we refrain from saying stay or go since that is for you to decide.  Weigh all the facts and risks and what you've learned thus far.

We're so sorry to hear this update, but also it's not that surprising.  Those who have people with BPD traits (pwBPD) in their lives - including their children - are often faced with the suddenly resurgent mood changes from moment to moment.

One positive is that your daughter did nurse her baby for nearly a year.  I recall that my ex - then a spouse - only promised to breastfeed for 6 months but continued for 14 months.  Human milk is such a wonderful food source for children that it's beneficial for as long as the mother can be convinced to continue.

Just a thought... Since it seems your daughter wants to go live her lifestyle again, maybe you could feed her daughter regular milk and other healthy juices when she decides to get antsy and decamp now and then?  Maybe I'm mistaken here but isn't some breastfeeding better than none?

It may be time to ponder what choices you have before you.  Apparently your daughter isn't receptive to the idea of long term therapy (DBT is highly recommended but requires commitment) so what can you do to focus on your granddaughter's welfare?  Has it reached the point where a court would agree you assume some level of protective custody?  Would others in your family support you or would they appease your daughter instead?

Hi JsMom,

I know it's hard not to jump in and rescue your son.  Surely he's great at inducing you to do that.  He frames his needs as essential food for your grandson, as supplies for his job--and if you don't help, then it's your fault that your grandson is starving and that your son can't do his job, right?  Your son makes it seem like his financial needs are dire, urgent, and important, right?  Like it's one-time help to get him on his feet, to get through a temporary setback, right?  But the record shows that he's not spending or saving wisely.  He's 45, not 15.  He can work.  He just chooses not to, because pushing the Mom ATM button is so much easier and more immediate.

I think you have many solid reasons to say no.  You can't afford it.  You don't want to be a burden to your sons in the future because you didn't save for your own retirement.  And by giving your son money, you're actually getting in the way of him learning how to budget.  You're depriving him of the knowledge that he can find solutions for himself.  He's smart, right?  It's not like he has a severe learning disability and doesn't understand prices, how credit cards work, what a paycheck is.  He is capable.  But he chooses his easiest alternative:  ask Mom for money.  He knows how to butter you up, how to make it look like he's on the verge of collapse, unless you bail him out, correct?

If saying "No" to financial requests is too hard for you, maybe your boundary could be not to entertain any discussion about money with your son.  You could say, "I'm not discussing finances with you."  If there's a text with a request for money, you delete the text.  If he begs you on the phone, you say, "If you continue talking about finances, I'm hanging up."  After all, you're a mom, not a bank.  You deserve to be treated like a human, not an ATM.  So take money talk off the table completely.  Maybe you say, "Son, I love you, and I'm a mom, not a bank."

If that's too harsh for you, another tactic you might try is to involve your husband.  You could say, you have to consult with him and get his OK for any spending that is outside your household budget.  Then your son would have to make the request to the two of you together.  Maybe that would help?  At the very least, it would help you to slow walk.

In my mind, the easiest route would be to say no because you don't have the money.  You say, "I'd like to help, but I don't have the money to spare."  That's the truth.  In reality, you don't have the money, because you need to finance YEARS of your own retirement, and all your money is already allocated for that purpose.  But maybe you don't see it that way, because you think, you're prepared to sacrifice your lifestyle to help your son this one time.  But my guess is, your sacrifice won't do your son any good.  In fact, I think it might harm you both in the long term, because you're getting in his way of learning money management and harming yourself in the process.  I'd advise, take the short-term discomfort of saying no to save you both from further hardship and heartache.

I think you're on the right track here.  Of course you and the graduating daughter have a desire for a "normal" family celebration.  But I think you're both better off if you accept reality:  it's just not possible right now with BPD daughter.  I think the way around this is not to expressly exclude the BPD daughter, but also not to rely on BPD daughter's "cooperation," either.  In real life, that could mean not getting upset if she doesn't show up.  It could mean that she shows, but you don't get upset if she chooses to keep her distance or leave early.  It means that, if she throws a tantrum and storms off, you don't get upset by that, either.  You don't run after her, "beg" her to rejoin the family, point out how she is acting inappropriately or ask for any apology.  You keep your attention on the graduating daughter.  You don't give your BPD daughter a ride or lodging unless she asks.  I think it would be better if your BPD daughter took care of her own accommodation and transportation when she's "no contact" with you.  Indirectly she's telling you that she can't handle seeing you right now, and I think that's actually better than being forced to interact with you and risk a meltdown.  But if she wants to have a "sibling only" get-together, then great, that's nice.

In other words, you can't control your BPD daughter, but you do control how you react to her.  My advice is to not take your BPD daughter's behavior personally, hard though that may seem at first.  The less you rely on her cooperation, the better--because you don't set yourself up for disappointment that way.

Look, as your children get older, the ideal of family togetherness will probably morph anyway.  Kids might move farther away from you.  They'll have jobs, partners, lives, pets, maybe in-laws and maybe their own children, too.  You'll probably get together, but maybe not with everyone at exactly the same time.  And that's OK.  At my house, Christmas isn't just one day--it's a season of holiday spirit.  We see family before, during and after Christmas day, depending on everyone's schedules.  I just let go of the notion of an idealized, single Christmas event of togetherness and embrace the season instead.  Sometimes my BPD stepdaughter shows up, sometimes not.  If she doesn't show up, I just assume she made other plans that were better for her.  And that's OK.  Though it's sad not to hear from her, I don't want that sadness to ruin it for us. 

I could hug you both. The truth you speak I use to combat the lies I tell myself and the fears I respond to. I get it in my head, I need to get it down deeper.
I love the 10/20/70  guide. I get my son isn't my 10% and this is a guide for him as well.
I also am learning the true meaning behind, we are to carry each others burdens and others are to carry their own loads. Because my swbpd would react to his load (after mismanagement) and react emotionally and melt down  I felt it was a burden to him and I'd knee jerk react and rescue.
This is about me maybe even more than my son. I'm going to tell on myself, something I'm ashamed of. I'm doing it because I don't want this a part of me anymore. When my son was about 14 yrs his grandfather paid for him to wear braces. He wore them about a year. Then he started to get into this illness on a deeper level. He screamed and cried he needed them off,  The pain was too much (I believe internally) anyway, I had the orthodontist take them off. I could weep over doing that. I still am on the inside. Years later when my son was in his 30's he brought up the incident and said What kind of a mother would do that? 

Yes, this is great. 

I have an idea of what may be going on, based on my own experiences with BPD mother. Perhaps this idea can help you.

PwBPD have a poor sense of self, and are extremely sensitive to shame and being exposed for having anything wrong with them. They take victim perspective on the Karpman triangle. If they perceive something or someone (intentional or not) as a threat to their self image, they feel they are being attacked.

The unspoken family rule was to uphold the perception that BPD mother does not have any issues. We were not allowed to say anything about her behavior and if we did, the reaction was extreme. My father was fully aligned with this and protecting her. He would get angry too.

BPD mother had a charming and competent external persona. Nobody outside the family had a clue what was going on. If anyone seemed to think otherwise or catch on to a possible issue- they would be discarded.

I knew there were issues when I was at home, but after going to college, and having my own family, I saw my parents mainly on visits. We visited as a family, and BPD mother held it together in front of my kids during visits. I actually began to believe she was doing OK.

In their elder years, Dad was in the hospital for an illness and I went, on my own, to help out. I was alone in the house for over a week with BPD mother, and saw an entirely different picture- the dysregulations, the raging, and it also reminded me of what I experienced as a child. She wasn't doing better, I just didn't see it. But I also was naive about BPD relationship dynamics.

I was concerned about my father coming home to this situation and I naively discussed the situation with his health care team, not knowing the consequences of exposing her.

Her reaction was extreme. BPD mother perceived people as being "on her side" or "not her side". She rallied the "people on her side" against me- triangulated. To protect herself, she had to discredit me to them and rally them to her side and push me out.

I didn't understand what was going on at the time, it was hurtful,  but - this was not about me. She wasn't doing anything to me. This was, to her, self preservation.

Looking back at your posts, your D went NC and began this behavior when she saw that you had ordered a book about BPD. In her therapy- she kept trying to get you to admit to doing things that hurt her. This feels hurtful to you, understandable- but I don't think your BPD-D is "doing this to you". I think she feels threatened by your looking into BPD, and this is how she is managing her self image by aligning with her siblings.

My guess is that she also feels threatened by younger D's success- her graduating, her "normal" life in comparison.

I'm not downplaying that this dynamic can be hurtful to relationships. It caused divisions in my family. I'm sharing to hopefully present this as not personal to you, because reacting out of hurt feelings adds fuel to the drama fire.

By holding it together for this one event- your younger-D will have a good day to remember and this doesn't reinforce BPD-D's behavior if she can't rattle you.

Yes! Love this. I did speak to the younger to ask what she would like and what would work best for her. What she wants is everyone to be together but she gets that's not possible at the moment. She's a peacekeeper/caretaker and will capitulate to BPD sis always. That's a journey for her. I am striving to keep it light and neutral and not show any anguish or engagement on the issues on this day of days.

It's a good way to manage money, but your son is also not in need of charity. He is able bodied and can work. This is an ongoing behavior for him. We think of charity as helping people who are in true need, but enabling financial irresponsibility is not charity. The 10% in this situation does not go to him.

I don't think saying "no" is hardening your heart. It's a form of love- tough love. It is acting in the best interest of the person- even if they don't like it. In the example of the toddler wanting cookies for dinner. Saying "no" isn't due to having a hard heart. It's saying "no" because eating cookies for dinner is not good for the child. It's not nutritious. Love is giving them a nutritious dinner, even if they want cookies.

Saying "no" requires managing your own feelings and fears. Maybe you fear your son won't call if you don't say yes, or he will think you are a bad person, or he will go without. He's a grown man, he has a job. But if you think of saying "yes" as dealing with your own fears, it becomes more self serving than helping.

Imagine if he doesn't call once he can't get money from you. That would be very sad, but if the reason for the relationship is you being used as an ATM machine- then that isn't the kind of relationship anyone would want. It would be a difficult thing to process but better to realize this than to continue to be on the financial "hook" for contact.

It was a hard realization for me to see that my mother's interactions with me and other people were mostly to meet her emotional needs. Whether or not she cared about anyone else- her BPD emotions took most of her focused. She wanted what she wanted, in the moment. Her spending was a part of that behavior- she spent to meet an emotional need. Talking to her, trying to be rational, didn't work, because emotionally driven behavior isn't rational.

You are not saying "no" to your son because you need to harden your heart. You are saying no, out of love- so that you aren't enabling this self destructive behavior of his that hurts him and you. You said no to cookies for dinner when he was 4 because it wasn't good for him. You can say no to him now too.

My BPD mother could be very charming and manipulative. I don't say this to insinuate that her manipulative aspect was something evil- but it served a purpose for her- it got her what she wanted.

Think of this as a tool- a hammer. If someone has a hammer that works for them for a long time, and suddenly it doesn't work- they will keep on trying that hammer until they figure out it doesn't work. It's the tool they've used for years and they don't have any other one right now.

A verbal "no" for someone who has usually gotten a "yes" isn't going to stop them from asking (using the hammer) over and over until they realize it's not going to get them a "yes". You had the talk with your son but this is his "hammer". He hasn't seen that it doesn't work yet. So he keeps trying it.

On your part, you need to be consistent with the "no". If you give in once, then he sees his hammer is still working. He's not going to stop using it until he realizes it doesn't work.

You are a part of this reinforcement- and emotionally, it can be a challenge to say no when you have been saying yes, but to boundaries are actions, not only words. Stay the course.