We get it.  We comply and get little or no credit while the ex fights everything and gets few or weak consequences.  It's almost as though the court sees us as more responsible and thus more consequence-worthy but keeps acting more as a passive referee hoping the players figure it out, as though you're only bickering.

In my experience the problem is that a psych eval is quite limited.  My ex and I were both ordered to take psych evals when we initially separated.  I complied.  No surprise, the university grad student's report listed "anxiety".  My ex?  To this day, over 2 decades later, I don't even know whether she even took her psych eval.  And yes, no consequences.

What I learned from that experience is that when you both are ordered to do something, might be a good idea for your attorney to merely inform the other side you've got your part done and wait for them to appear and submit their part.  Otherwise you'll comply and be left whistling in the  wind.

As CC43 wrote, a mental health diagnosis by itself will mean little, it's the impact of her parenting on the kids.  In my case I had a few magistrates who were of no help but eventually the rotation came around to the no-nonsense magistrate.  Between the magistrates, a lengthy Custody Evaluation by a respected expert child psychologist, a GAL for our child and my lawyer... the disparagement, the obstruction and the legal sabotage were addressed.  Sadly, we didn't get to that point until long after my two year divorce.


That publicity posturing is somewhat rare here and we have to be careful not to speculate, but with your ex doing all this publicity amplifying all the issues, I wonder whether you might conclude she's co-morbid with Histrionic PD, where she must be the center of attention.

We had a member here over a decade ago who had an ex like that and that BPD/HPD combo was devastating and had their family court tied up in circles.

Are you still in the divorce process?  Are you still living under a temp order?  Do you have a Guardian ad Litem (GAL = lawyer representing the children)?  As with a Custody Evaluator, a GAL must be well qualified, experienced, unbiased and not easily gullible.  My divorce took 2 years, yet it took several more years before court finally addressed her antics.  Once I obtained full legal guardianship (custody) and went back successfully to get majority time, my ex's entitlement balloon deflated a bit and we never went to court again.  However, if your ex is Histrionic, whether diagnosed or not, even that may not resolve the conflict.

Gift yourself some time to recover and find a new equilibrium.  Once this relationship is firmly in the past, grant yourself a year, perhaps more to shake loose the willies.  How can you know how much time?  One yardstick is when you meet someone new and you don't start talking about the crazy ex.

I know what you mean. It’s hard to feel like you’ve done something good when you’re being screamed at and called names. But Notwendy nails it — that is on her, not you. Your actions are what you can control and change. You’ll get sucked back in sometimes. But that doesn’t negate the hard things you are trying to do and doing.

Do the children have a GAL? Much can be done through a good guardian ad litem, since they are focused on representing the children's best interest.

I document everything.  All she does is run her mouth, I have hours of evidence and witnesses.  The court does nothing.  They won't even listen to if she talks bad to the kids.  It's just like BPD, don't bring it up type thing.  It's all hearsay. 

Hi there!

Welcome to the group.  I can see you are a jovial guy, and that it hurts you can't really be that way when you're with your wife, because you're focussing all your effort on managing her emotions.

I can also see you have a keen sense of what is going on in your relationship.

My advice?  You be you.  Like you wrote, "No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving."  The reason for this is that you didn't cause BPD, you can't control it and you can't cure it, no matter how much you want to.  Only your wife can do that.  The good news is, she's had some success with medications, she's open to working on herself, and she even apologizes sometimes.  On this site, it's rare that pwBPD recognize how their behavior hurts those around them, let alone apologize for it.  Instead, what seems to be the norm is a pervasive victim attitude, blaming others for causing all their distress, while not taking any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Anyway, I'd say, you be you.  Your wife married you because you are fantastic, exactly how you are, and you need to stay true to yourself.  You're lucky, because you're smart and fun to be with.  You make sure you take exquisite care of yourself.  You focus on doing your job.  You maintain your friendships, because they will help keep you grounded.  You take some breaks, if that's what you need to adjust your mindset and get out of a fight-or-flight state, so that when your wife is in distress, you can listen with empathy without getting "sucked in" to her negative emotions, without JADEing and defending yourself from baseless accusations.  If your wife is lashing out at you and making you distressed, then I'd say, you take a time out, while simultaneously putting her in an adult time out.  Don't blame her; just say something simple like, "This is stressing me out, I'm taking a quick walk."  If she's accusing you of being a lazy, terrible spouse who has never done anything right and who is going to be a terrible parent, you just think silently to yourself, well that's ridiculous, and most likely what wife is worried about, because she's scared of the future.  You go ahead and give her some time and space to self-regulate, while at the same time, giving yourself some time and space too!  You don't "reward" her meanness with your attention.  Instead, you take a walk, do some push-ups, or do a semi-mindless, wordless task like folding clothes, sweeping the front steps, sorting the mail, wiping down the counters or taking out the trash.  I'm mentioning these light, physical activities because I think they help give the brain a little break, a reset, and on top of that, you reward yourself by getting stuff done and tidying your environment, reclaiming a little control over your life.

Anyway, if your wife is accusing you of things that aren't true, or if she's searching the archive of past wrongs and bringing them up when they aren't warranted, that's typical BPD.  Most of the time, she's projecting her own self-hatred onto you.  She's unleashing her negative emotions onto you, in a misguided attempt to rid herself of them, while getting you to feel the extent of her own pain.  She's on an emotional rollercoaster and trying to get you to ride alongside her.  With BPD, misery doesn't like company, misery likes miserable company!  But you don't deserve to be miserable, and you don't have to ride the emotional rollercoaster.  You can wait patiently by the exit.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

I have an attorney and they just keep saying I have to go through the procedure.  A pro se BPD just files files files all kinds of stuff.  Accusations of not sending discovery or missing files that prove the conspiracy, well they don't exist.  At this point I think the judge and everyone knows something is off but they have to go by the law.  I'm just tired of every single time she wants to file something I have to pay more money to have a hearing over what she perceives to be the truth.  Then violate the orders and cry wolf when a contempt is filed, and everyone is biased and we need a recusal and to transfer venue.  She's so comfortable she argues with the judge and tells him he doesn't know the law.  Every day I take off of work is a court date, I would like to not pay an attorney and not have to use all my pto on hearings.  I'm just trying to figure out how to end this, it's obvious to everyone that something isn't right with her.

No he doesn't accept compliments but doesn't treat them with suspicion. He just doesn't take them in, which is a big problem because if he did he might not be so focused on the 1 second of each day when I wasn't trying to make sure he was okay. (slight exaggeration but you get the gist).

Very true about the sky being blue metaphor too!

It's so very sad that it's turned out like this. I think it's ruined me for future relationships too, especially as I'm no spring chicken!

Hello all!

I am male, married and my wife is 7 months pregnant right now. I love her very much but am in one of those "too bad to stay, too good to leave" marriages.

Context about me:
I am officially diagnosed with ADHD-Predominantly Inattentive type and have been taking medication for 7 years and undergoing regular therapy from 2 years to work on multiple facets of my life. I am a very jovial and politely sarcastic person who was always the funniest guy in the room and used to make people laugh through school, college and workplace with my banter. I enjoy making others laugh and bantering with them. I am managing my ADHD symptoms with medication and a lot of work on my executive skills (or lack thereof ;)) but it feels so exhausting to fight that inner battle every single day wrt procrastination, time management, not cutting people off, prioritization, not being late to events, mindful communication etc.

Context about my wife:
She grew up with an extremely emotionally abusive father who got diagnosed by our family psychiatrist as having Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD). She was always walking on eggshells throughout her childhood and had many traumatic events happen to her right from her earliest memories. She is STARVED of love and support from her family and they're dysfunctional to say the least (her words). I pointed out to her that some things didn't seem normal and put her in touch with my psychiatrist and therapist to work with her individually/independently.

She got officially diagnosed with CPTSD, Generalized anxiety, Insomnia and BPD by the doctor after observing her over few months. Since I got to know the BPD diagnosis, I felt so validated and heard that I wasn't a monster who hurts her or constantly makes her cry for no apparent reason. I was sooo guilty and beat myself up mentally for the pain she was going through internally.

The positive thing is that she is very open to medication, therapy and working on herself. She has taken responsibility for her actions, words and lashing out multiple times and with the mood stabilizing medicines, life was actually good for a few months last year where I was cautiously happy during peace times after  having been burnt SO many times.

The sad part is that the things I find challenging even with medicines (mindful communication, patience, remembering stuff, time management, impulse control) are the EXACT things that are expected of me as a BPD-partner. No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving.

If I may sum up her personality in 1 famous trope - "I hate you, don't leave me"

I am currently reading the below books to take accountability and ownership of my life, but it is DRAINING and TIRING to have this battle every single day:
1. Time Management Toolkit for adult ADHD - Risa Williams
2. Procrastination Playbook for adult ADHD - Risa Williams
3. Stop Walking on Eggshells (suggested by therapist) - Randi Kreger

The days it's bad, I feel like giving up and divorcing her. But after a day or two, I almost feel "bad" for her and feel obligated to keep her happy. I also am happy with her when the days are good!

I am just reading and learning about boundaries, JADE, non-combative communication,

My goal is to make this marriage work as divorce is not an option even hypothetically (spiritual reasons, family dynamics).

The doc paused her medication due to her pregnancy and she's back to the anxious, unpredictable, insomnia phase where I am sick of hearing her suffer and also feel guilty for feeling this. Beyond a point I can't help her other than listen to her with empathy.

Her pregnancy has been INCREDIBLY draining for me as I have to manage my highly demanding job, tight work schedule, her mood swings, unmedicated mental state and completely random "do you even love me?" hooks which are impossible to defend/deflect. I was apprehensive of this unmedicated pregnant phase but wasn't prepared for how bad it'd be.

I'm tired of constantly reassuring her, apologizing for nonexistent problems in her head, justifying my intentions, explaining every intonation and word choice when I speak. I have been getting upper back pain and lower back soreness if I even think about conversations with her. I keep having arguments in my head while taking a shower....

It's incredibly hard for me to be mindful of both my super fast distracted mind and her mind while maintaining everything in daily adult life. In times of conflict or impending conflict, it all goes for a toss as I tend to shut down and forget all the acronyms JADE, RAIN, deep breathing, validating phrases etc. She apologizes and cries to me after any huge conflict and tells me she's unable to regulate her emotions, but it doesn't really help the deep wounds that are piling onto my heart and inner being. The worst part is my people pleasing/enabling nature doesn't let me focus or concentrate on my workday if there's conflict in our home. it's a vicious joke...

If I could avoid conflict by apologizing, I am ready to say sorry every single day if that buys me peace. But even that doesn't help as you all know...

How do I survive till the baby's delivery and till she is cleared to get back on her medication post the initial breastfeeding stage? I'm tired

Consult a lawyer to see if you really need a psych evaluation. The most important is that it is done by a qualified professional who has a reputation for doing fair accurate
psych evaluations if you indeed need one.