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Pook- I think one reason this irks you is that you are thinking about this logically, fairly, and because it is hurtful to your child. For your ex with BPD- her reasons may not make sense- because they are emotional.
For my BPD mother, objects to her were a form of control. What gave her "power" was if she had something we wanted, or valued. Even if she didn't want something herself, if she knew we wanted it, then she'd keep it.
Even if something belonged to us. Sometimes, if she was angry and dissociated- she'd destroy things we cared about. Or she could threaten us that she'd do it.
In her elder years, she'd say she wanted to "downsize" but couldn't because of all the things in her house. Yet, if we offered to take any of them, she wouldn't let us do that. Even our own things. I had some items from college in her house and when I tried to take them, she ran after me telling me I can't have anything in her house, so I put them back.
She would ask us what we wanted, and if we said we wanted something, then she'd change her mind and decide to keep it.
We wondered if this was due to a fear of abandonment- that maybe if we took all the things we wanted, we wouldn't visit her. That wasn't true, so we tried saying "we are here for you, not your possessions" and refuse to take anything. We thought that would reassure her, but that seemed to bother her more, so sometimes I went along with her "do you want this" and just said "yes" whether I wanted it or not, just to give her the "yes" she wanted, but she didn't give me the items I said "yes" to.
I realized the only way I could emotionally "untangle" myself from this dynamic was to not have any interest in anything she owned. That wasn't true, I didn't want items for their material value but some were sentimental. Still, I knew to not react emotionally if she brought them up.
She did this "do you want this" and change her mind to one of my kids, and I could see my kid's tears welling up. So I get why you feel this way for your own kid. She didn't want the item, your wife doesn't need the truck. It would be a kind thing to do to just let your child buy it for the cost she offered.
But here's the result, this impacted her relationship with this grandchild who by then was a young adult. Your D will experience this with her own mother. As much as we want to protect our own kids from hurtful behavior, once they are adults, they can assess their relationships for themselves. While we do expect our kids to act with decency/respectfully to a mother/grandmother - that doesn't mean they have to want to be close to them.
Yes, I was upset to see my mother refuse to give something to my kid- after offering it, however, this was between the two of them. I didn't need to intervene between them. I don't think you do either.
If it were my situation, for me, that truck is long gone. The only control I have would be my own feelings of attachment to it. I also would feel for my child in this situation but if your ex is going to treat your D like this, this is on her and your D will respond according to her own boundaries.
If you want to and are able to help your D get a truck, then help her to get another one, within budget, and if not with money- you can also offer to go with her to look at trucks and help her choose one she likes and can afford. I know each family manages this differently, but for young people, a first time car/truck purchase can be intimidating and they may appreciate a parent going with them to help them decide on one.
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