That has been my experience with my son when his marriage of 15yrs ended. He was suicidal and was hospitalized for 2 weeks.
His relationship with this girlfriend has been almost 4yrs. Breakups are hard on anyone but someone with the fear of abandonment and feeling terror over being alone it is crushing. My swbpd will text I love you Mom - quite often. Though on one hand that's wonderful on the other I feel he needs the confirmation he isn't alone and that he's loved. He and his younger brother share a house. His 14yr old son stays most every weekend. His 20 yr old daughter is working and going to school but does stay in touch occasionally. I'm glad for all those people in his life. I feel like I'm his emotional security blanket in many ways though. I'm there for him but want to also not take on his neediness. His ex wife who is like a daughter to me, told me he has called her crying when he's in a really bad place. As of now - I'm kind of in the dark in how to navigate this.

I think that because this is not my first time having her split and then physically split, I’m just not as shocked or shook as a I normally will be. I feel relieved and I don’t seem to be ruminating over it. I think that over the years I made a very strong effort to improve my own self care and build my own identity outside of being her mother. The first time she did this I was a mess for six months straight. I didn’t know who I was outside of being her mom and I felt very lost. I’m not going to say I wasn’t shaken but the borderline behavior resurfacing after about a year or so of relative peace and quiet.

Something happened and I’m not sure what to trigger this. I happened to check my Progressive snapshot report for my car which she was using and I saw that she was speeding the same night the initial problem occurred. Something got switched in her brain and it was only a matter of days before she went full split and demonized me. I’m feeling very peaceful but occasionally I think of my beautiful grandbaby and I miss her sweet little smile. I have her blocked because I just don’t want to deal with any back and forth. I feel like she will just be blaming me and trying to engage me in an argument to bolster her lies. I’m staying low key. I haven’t cried, I’m sleeping okay. I’m honestly too calm about it all but that must just be from the fatigue of dealing with being on the receiving end of her borderline personality.

It definitely weighs on all of us, especially while trying to find that balance.  I deal with it a lot better these days but there will always be challenges.  In time, you'll find the right distance to keep and how to "balance out" the relationship where you're involved in your son's life but not at the center of it.

You mentioned a break-up, those were always the toughest times for my family and it often led to an in-house stay for my daughter.  In fact, her last breakup was the first time ever she didn't need to be hospitalized.

OK, excluding the the baby and abusive childhood, I could have written the exact same thing about my adult BPD stepdaughter, when she wasn't getting treatment.  Correction:  when she was skipping her psychiatric appointments but we were billed for them anyway.

My observation is that weed consumption turned her my stepdaughter's already questionable executive functioning into total dysfunction.  When she was using daily, it seemed she couldn't think straight, let alone plan, let alone do simple things such as remember to pack a bag for a weekend trip.  She had bouts of paranoia when under stress.  I think weed turned her occasional procrastination into total avoidance of life, and completely sapped her already low motivation.  Between weed and TV, she made herself comfortable retreating from the world and any adult responsibilities.  She was able to do this because she was living in my house for free, with no contributions or responsibilities, either.  Her dad gave her money (out of guilt) so she wouldn't go without.  Yet without the necessity of working for money (not even a simple household chore to earn an allowance), she basically locked herself in her room and stayed entertained with weed and screens.  At the same time, she was seething mad and took out her frustrations on anyone who would listen.  Since friends wouldn't put up with her hostile behavior, she lost every last one of them.  She became estranged from her entire family--siblings, her mom, her aunts and uncles, cousins, grandma, etc.  She'd only talk to her dad and me because she needed free housing, money and other support.  There was no love or concern there, it felt like a purely transactional relationship.

I felt that my stepdaughter was compelled to say the nastiest things about her parents to convince herself that she was victimized and traumatized.  That way, she could embrace the identity of victim and escape the deep, looming shame she felt for sabotaging her own life.  She is the one who made bad decision after bad decision:  quitting school multiple times, quitting work multiple times, getting herself evicted multiple times, getting herself in dangerous situations, losing all her friends, quitting therapy, committing various acts of self-sabotage.  She blames her family, even though they had absolutely nothing to do with any of that.  Deep down, what she was doing was trying to shift the blame for her own dysfunction to family.  The barrage of accusations seemed cruel, constant and yet also delusional.  What I saw was that the barrage was mostly a deflection, a distraction, a sure sign that my stepdaughter had made yet another poor decision.  She'd lash out and rewrite history in an attempt to blame-shift and avoid responsibility.

At the end of the day, I think it's really hard to have a loving relationship with someone who won't take any responsibility for their own decisions and blames you instead.  Like you wrote, it's not fun being a pin cushion.  Maybe you can take it for a while, out of feelings of love, fear, obligation or guilt, in the hopes that she'll stabilize and get the help she needs.  But that's not a foundation for a normal adult relationship, because there are two adults involved, and both need to try in a relationship.  If you feel that all you have done is tried and tried, and yet your daughter won't acknowledge any of your efforts--rather, she RESENTS you for having tried so hard and still BLAMES you for her horrible life--then it's OK to protect yourself.  My guess is that you want her to get therapy more than she does.  You want her to have a stable life more than she does.  You want her to love and protect her child more than she does.  But it seems to me she doesn't want your help.  She wants to do whatever she wants whenever she wants it; she doesn't care if she's being cruel to you or even to her own baby.  So it's OK if you take a break from that negativity.  Let your daughter do what she wants, as long as she bears the consequences, not you.  It doesn't have to be forever.  How about, just start with today.  Give yourself some space and grace.  See how that goes.  I sincerely hope it makes you feel better, if only for today.

Pook075, 
Thanks for that. I thought of all the men on the Forum with painful child relationships.  I'm sorry for that.  Mental illness sucks. Knowing our hearts towards our children matters.

This is a reminder for us all that Borderline traits, just like the other PD traits, are simply extremes of traits that everyone has - every single one of us. They're simply unbalanced traits, whether by too much or by too little, from the norms of productive lives and perceptions.

There is a less final or total aspect of No Contact (NC) and that is Low/Limited Contact (LC) less often termed Medium Chill (MC).  All it means is that you control how much or how little contact you have with your adult adopted daughter.  The downside of LC is that there will continue to be some level of push/pull cycles that will keep resurfacing.

Decades ago one of my siblings briefly fostered an unadoptable child.  They were told that up front but they still proceeded with the adoption.  After the spouse died a few years later, the child started acting out uncontrollably and had to be returned to state care.  I think there is still some contact now and then but it is very minimal, their lives are separate and honestly it's better that way.

As a dad, I feel the same way so it's not only moms.  But I figured out that I could either been in my kid's immediate circle or I could keep some distance and not have that daily drama that's so exhausting.

So I backed way off and life is better now, it's actually about me most of the time.

Because of that, I get other slights that I don't appreciate.  For example, my kid posted happy father's day to my ex wife's new husband and to herself (since she identifies as a man and was dating a woman with a kid).  Her step dad gives her money though and I don't anymore, so I don't take it personally...even though it certainly feels that way most of the time.

So you're not alone in being hurt over and over again.  But in time, that begins to fade as you really accept the reason behind it- mental illness and and an unhealthy need for constant, instant gratification.

I think I have come across the answer to part my questions.  I found it in response to Foolingmyself, referring to the personal emotional work that I need to do with a therapist.

You can do that. Your adopted D is an adult, she has a source of income, and you don't have any responsibilities for her as a parent.

This is my own personal advice but one way to do this is to do it quietly rather than to make a statement to her. I found that speaking about a boundary to my BPD mother - she perceived herself in victim perspective- and so to her, it seemed she was being attacked and she escalated.

Another way is quiet action- if you don't wish to speak to her when she calls, then don't answer the phone. If she persists, say you are "taking a break " rather than say you are severing the relationship. If she asks to move back in, tell her "no- this isn't an option".

The severing is emotional work on your part. Saying you are going to do it doesn't address the feelings you have. This is something to do with a therapist, and you will need the emotional support to help you work this out. Right now, you feel anger but these relationships involve grief, regret, and relief, sometimes at the same time.

I didn't go NC with my BPD mother but I did have to work on my own emotional feelings. The work was on my part- with a therapist, not an action to anounce to her, but emotional work for me. I have seen from posters who went NC with the BPD family member that this may give them the emotional space and safety for their own well being- but there's still emotional work to do on their part.

You have no obligation to support or be responsible at all to an adult who is accountable for her own behavior. You don't have to tolerate being mistreated or exploited. However, it's an internal and personal process for you to disconnect emotionally, not something that needs to be announced to your D, especially when you are feeling angry. Best to let yourself feel more settled and do emotional work with a T.