I have gone no contact with my kids’ mom pursuant to a
Domestic violence protective order. The mom
Can only email me. Sorry I can’t remember the acronyms. 53 yo undiagnosed female. My older 16 yo daughter takes the brunt of her mother’s pressure and manipulation. She gets the low contact. Both kids are aware of the DVPO.

The 14 yo really wants us to be on better terms. Asks if we’re going to go to counseling. Cries over the state of things. Almost certainly harbors a reunion fantasy. I give her these trite ‘these things take time’ and ‘I hope we can be like that someday.’ But it’s bs and she lnows it. I don’t really know what to tell her that is real.

He needs to be reported to the DMV. How do you feel about that?

Though I lived 100 miles away, i heard stories. I couldn't bring myself to do so as it felt like betrayal. Ultimately, several people in the small, rural community did and her license was pulled. Same reason: dementia though it was before a formal Dx.

Hi there,

I think that everyone gets frustrated from time to time when under stress, or when expectations aren't met.  It's just that with BPD, I've noticed that generally, their frustration tolerance is very low.  In addition, when feeling frustrated, they tend to have a super-sized response.  Whereas a "normal" person might take a deep breath or mutter something, the pwBPD might become irate, over a seemingly minor, ordinary inconvenience.  Further, when someone is trying to help, the pwBPD typically lashes out at them.  There might be a bit of shame and overwhelming feelings of incompetence, too, which will make the pwBPD even meaner.  Another typical response (at least with the pwBPD in my life) will be to give up completely, regardless of the consequences.  The reason for giving up will typically be someone else's fault.

I'd add that confounding factor is sometimes the pwBPD's unrealistic expectations.  An example might be calculating journey times in unfamiliar situations.  My pwBPD seems to assume she has Star Trek-like teleportation abilities when travelling to an interview, new job or airport.  She has a track record of misunderstanding how travel is impacted by rush hour, public transportation snarls, wrong turns or trouble finding parking.  Yet when she's late, it's someone else's fault, not her poor planning.  The same sort of thing happens when attempting more complex, adult-level tasks, such as searching for a job.  It's as if she can't conceive of planning out the different stages of the process--completing a resume, searching for job listings, filling out applications, preparing for interviews, attending interviews and following up.  I think she thought that if she used the "Open to Work" option on her LinkedIn page, that recruiters would reach out to her with jobs.  Thus she misunderstands the process from the outset, but when she learns of the complexity, she's compeletly overwhelmed before she even gets started.  She takes any "rejection," not as part of the natural process of a job search, but as an indictment of her character and feels like a total failure.  Maybe she mistakenly thought that someone would GET her a job, but when that didn't happen, she was upset and felt rejected?

In this moment, you are the worst because that's what she's FEELING.  I keep going back to that word because it's where all the chaos stems from.  She's had those same feelings with anyone she's ever become close to, and eventually they said or did something that changed her feelings.

I only brought that up to help you see the bigger picture.  This isn't a fight you versus her.  This is a fight against mental illness and you're both fighting it at the same time.  She just happens to be choosing the wrong side to fight for.

I wish you luck and patience brother.  This is still a winnable fight if you want it to be.  But first, you need a little R&R to clear your mind and actually be able to think.  Take some time and we'll talk about if the marriage is worth saving another day.

Truly- we can not "fix" another person. Working on ourselves is the better path- to whatever decision that leads to.

The course sounds very informative and useful. Learning about BPD can help us to understand the other person but turning the focus inward is where we can be effective.

One exercise a T taught me is when being accused of something, first consider if it is true or not. If not- then substitute something absurd like "pink elephant" for the accusation. You wouldn't react if someone called you that as you are certain you aren't one. Also, your wife calling you that doesn't make it true.

It's good you are able to have the chance to look at your own feelings.

Is your girlfriend also seeing a therapist?  Is she truly diligently applying the therapy's insights in her perceptions, thinking and behavior?

If yes, then there may be hope for a long term relationship with her.  (There is no cure, but the discord can be reduced.)  If not...

A common pattern with relationships involving people with BPD traits is that, over time, the discord, poor behavior and ragefests tend to increase, not decrease.  Ponder that.  Despite your understandable hopes, the reality is that unless both of you are seriously responsive to meaningful therapy, then your future with her will likely be very troubled and dysfunctional.  And not just for you, for any children you may have with her too.

That one got me.

Pook/Wendy; as before, very meaningful input. I'm incredibly appreciative. I took myself to my favorite park last night and let some feelings out. I'm quite good at bottling those up. I asked myself a lot of those questions... and if I'm honest, this pattern has been present throughout the duration of the relationship. Somewhere along the timeline I stopped trying to fix it and started trying to fix myself, and she did in her own path, but it was all spaghetti.

The pattern is always how horrible everyone else was. We're just over 24 hours no contact right as of writing this, and the last series of texts (I didn't respond!) were that I'm worst than all of them.

I think what's shaking my brain up right now is that for the last four years I didn't have any of *this.* I just processed in isolation. Woof.

I'm excited for my NEABPD coursework to begin. Learning from ya'll and everyone else is really helpful.

For you own sanity, pick up and read as many books about the condition as you can, and make special note of typical BPD behavior and typical behavior of people who interact with them.   If they know and have been diagnosed, I’d make sure they’re aware that you’re reading all you can about it to better understand. 

My understanding is that BPD makes it darn near impossible for the person with it to admit there is something wrong with them.   

Understand that “making it work” may mean you never get what you want out of this relationship, no matter how much you put into it.  I’ve tried to make it work for years, and for awhile things seemed to be much better in that they weren’t at their worst.  But even with the arguing then diminished and my SO seeming “better”, I still felt like I didn’t exist beyond the person to dump on or kick around.   It’s just those feel less severe when everything else isn’t in an uproar. 

My best advice is don’t forget yourself and your needs.  Sometimes because we do care about someone, we forget who we are.  If you find your own needs being ignored or a source of friction, realize that very likely may never change.   

Best of luck. 

No, this doesn't surprise me and it's wny I asked "how firm" are you in leaving because it didn't seem from your posts like you were.

I saw my parents go through this several times. I think it goes along with the push-pull behavior of BPD. PwBPD have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable feelings, and they project/dissociate. But once these feelings are "out"- they feel better. They revert to their "nice" selves- the nice self we see them as "really" under all that BPD.

However, BPD mother could not take accountability for her behavior. In her mind she was "good now" and the expectation was that whatever happened would be forgotten. You didn't dare bring it up, she'd just get angry if you did. I compare this to a small child who eats too many sweets, gets a stomach ache, and throws up. The child then feels better, runs off to play.

But it did happen. She may have felt better after these episodes, but we didn't. The verbal criticism- the "I hate you don't leave"- it is what it is. If you can see it as emotional "throw up", not as personal to you, it helps a little.

BPD mother's behavior was explainable. It had a name. Dad was more complicated, being the more emotionally stable and so I perceived him as the "normal" one. But he could waver along with these behaviors. BPD mother would escalate, act out to the point where it was impossible to not see it. He would seem to be aware of it, or she'd make a divorce threat. For the moment, it would appear that divorce might be on the table.

Then it wasn't. She was in her loving good mood again, Dad going along with it. Sometimes his actions were also influenced by BPD mother's moods. To us, he was the "good parent"- and yet, if BPD mother decided something, or was angry at someone, (deserved or not) he'd go along with her, sometimes doing what appeared inconsistent to me.

Or, as you put it- "delusional"? Sometimes it seemed he was spellbound by her. I could see why. She could be beautiful, charming at times, and yet, there was the other side to her.

To me, this appeared to be a difficult relationship. But it was his decision to decide on, and nothing anyone could say or do could change that. You will decide in your own time. This is a familiar situation to many people here- and also a reason for not telling people which way to go- it's a personal decision.

Your wife has had at least three serious relationships in her life.  There's you, there's dad #1, and dad #2.  And I'm guessing there's others you've heard about.

Dad #1 didn't work out.  Dad #2 didn't work out.  None of the others I don't know about did either.  And maybe that's not fair, we all have failed dating relationships in our past.  But there's an important question here.

How does she describe Dad #1 or Dad #2?  Were they good guys who she met when they were just in different places in her life?  Or were they abusive jerks who were bent on hurting her, taking advantage of her?

I'm not asking your opinion here or what you know about these guys.  I'm asking for HER OPINION.

Why?  Because I want you to see the crystal clear pattern.

If your wife is like our BPD current and former loved ones, then every person they've ever loved has been mean, abusive, and out to ruin them.  They did terrible things, they're complete monsters!  Yet when your wife sees them in person, they smile and laugh and seem to get along just fine.  Huh. 

Those pebbles rolling down the cliff that are turning into boulders, you absolutely carry some blame in all of that.  We did as well in our relationships.  But you have to see this, truly understand it...why were those same issues in every single one of your wife's past relationships, going all the way back to her parents and siblings?

It's the way she processes things that turns pebbles into unstopable forces.  She does that within her mind, and it's why she struggles to forgive, to apologize, to let go of wounds.

Do you have a role to play in all this?  Sure.  But this is not your fault; it never was.  Again, look at her past, her entire life...those pebbles and boulders where there the entire time.  Different people, same story.  That proves it's not a "you thing" at all.