I meant therapy can be helpful for many of us who have disordered family members. The disordered family members are unlikely to benefit from therapy because they blame everyone else for how they feel inside.

Zachira, I keep banging on about the book 'stop walking on eggshells' but also my BPD family literature ( it is quite old).
There is a theme of people who have 'nonconventinal bpd/np and will most likely never come into therapy. There are testimony of people saying how therapy felt like it was taking everything from them, what little self identity they had was threatened by the therapy process. Like they were being rubbed out. The author says please dont try and persuade people with BPD/NP into therapy. They have extremely fragile egos and very low self esteem. This behaiviour is all they have got -its survival.
That's my twin! She told me a therapist (when she lived abroad) betrayed her and told her she had a nasty personality. Your the nasty one (to me), I told the therapist but she wouldn't believe me'"she was serious! Somehow we could magically change places we have no boundaries like telepaths.
Before I realised she had this different view of the world I was very invalidating. I thought i was trying to help them. So I have iunwittingly inflicted my own tyranny and trauma on my family and but once I saw beneath my sisters lids and understood they have differences, I signed up to this page. Started with CBT therapy. I'll look into other therapy but it's hard to find a specialist for BPD families in uk.anyone who does reach out for therapy from any part of the BPD community deserve a lot of respect. It wasn't that hard for me I'm a fixer, as long as Ithink im not taking the place of someone more worthy!!.

Hi mitochondrium,
I really appreciate your perspective, thank you. I’ve been in bpd fam nearly 5 years now and I’ve read all the books… made lots of progress. But yes. I’m still scared of my wife. And she is still in control. It has definitely made things more complicated with having kids (not that I learnt about boundaries before having kid, but it’s easier when it’s just my battle to fight…) I am now comfortable with my wife being angry or upset or whatever, I mean, I’m happy to head off to work and spend the day without her and don’t worry about how she’ll be, like I used to be upset all day if she was angry…I also get a lot of validation at work as they know exactly what she’s like. But I feel like the mission with the kids is harder because it’s nicer for everyone (and feels more healthy) if my wife stays calm. So when D6 got the picture out of her bag… I gently reminded her “Mummy might not like you to do that without her”. She obviously didn’t realise how angry Mummy would be whereas I knew she might be fine or very angry. But my question for you is.. what am I to do next time I feel I should warm the kids in order to avoid my wife’s anger. I know I am to positively support them and could have said nothing except joined D6’s excitement about her friend giving her a picture. Ok if something similar were to happen again and my wife is downstairs and screeching at D6 and also me about what a terrible thing we have done here… Please tell me how best to respond next time. I will never rest, I know there is always work to be done… I want to be a better parent despite these ridiculous challenges.

HappyChapp
Thank you. That's very insightful. In "stop walking on eggshells" a person who had/has bpd talks about their contempt for people who don't have a clear sense of self and un-healthy boundaries. Also she has a poor sense of self and blames it on twinship. It's very messy. I think that is why boundaries dont work so well for us! I don't want to talk about this stuff in healthy relationships. I feel those horrible feelings of aversion. Its all over these pages- nasty betrayals. In therapy I have to learn to unpack it and be with it and express it. I've come to know it. Not when it's ongoing! That bit has to stop. But it is a lot easier than it used to be. I've slipped into the delusion again.
You pointed out my therapist was right!! I've been trying to save her again, my self esteem is low and she makes me feel I can help but she is spiralling.. ill get sucked back in! These are all the my red flags for a need for therapy. Thanks for talking the time to (gently) point it out.

Therapy is very important and helpful. I did over 10 years of therapy. What helped the most was EMDR. The final necessary step was to permanently go no contact with my sister and either low contact/no contact with most of the extended family which means I have very little contact with blood relatives. So sad your sister has recruited her daughter to be her flying monkey. My other siblings were also victims of mom who had BPD. None of them have ever had the courage to take a look at the toxic family dynamics and are/were very immature. This is also true of many of my relatives who are/were so enmeshed in the family dynamics that they have never become healthy separate people in their own right. What do you think has allowed you to see the light unlike the other family members?

Thanks for the reply zachira! I definitely have some insight into what that must have meant for you. The chief flying monkey is her poor daughter. I hear what your saying. The way we communicate calls and in person is the big part.  I need some space. (Last time it happened more naturally). May be texts and emails were more accountable less immediate. Its up to her If she goes for it.
Huge kudos to you for trying to be healthy and reaching out to me, I really respect and appreciate it thanks. Therapy is painful and hardwork we deserve a bow just for turning up on these pages.

Hello everyone,
I have been in a relationship with someone with BPD for 3 years. He was officially diagnosed 1.5 years ago. I am older than him, by 18 years and lately I feel more like a parent than a partner. So much of my life is revolving around him and making sure that he gets the help he needs. He is very open for support and will do any treatment that I find for him, however I then get the brunt of his frustration. I have been doing a lot more research on the condition and trying my best to help. He is having a crisis right now and I know that I am not at fault, I know I can’t fix him or control how he feels. I just don’t know how to manage my own mental health. Just looking for advice on how other people handle everything.

... they may not try to charm you back, might use waif like behaviour or anger or fear etc... but see it for what it is. Look after yourself. 

When anxious or depressed we’re easy pray and someone with a personality disorder can’t help but wind us up all the more when they see that. A bit like a cat playing with a mouse. Simply because it works.
I fell into the same trap, it’s completely understandable. But when an aeroplane goes down, you need to grab the oxygen for yourself first, so you’re capable of helping those more vulnerable. Right now it sound like you’re the vulnerable one,  so your therapist’s advice makes sense.

Just be aware that when you do cut contact, you might get hit by a tsunami of activity attempting to charm you back in. You need to withstand that. Hence why no contact might be the only way, it will die down over time, once they realise there’s no response. But that doesn’t mean you can’t re-join with low contact (just text messages) when you 100% fighting fit again, which will probably take a long time. You’ve got this forum to help give you fortitude and advice. 

btw if you've got a protagonist type of personality, that makes you very vulnerable to trauma tringles , which BPD use a lot. Also triangulation - are you the scapegoat ? Knowing the devices they use, will help you spot it early enough to exit. You sound very self aware, which suggests "You've got this" you'll survive then thrive one day. 

What a lovely peaceful reflective piece. Its helped thanks.