Honestly we got together and at first she was so sweet, kind, caring.

I put a lot of effort into her and we just clicked overnight, it felt so natural / real.

That lasted like 4-6 months where I was genuinely over the moon. I kept hoping she would go back but she didn’t.
I have a really bad knee from 3 knee surgeries from the military and I don’t date often, there’s a lot I honestly can’t do and don’t put myself out there for a lot of people. That’s the main reason.. I used to move on so fast and I just think I’m more reserved now.

I agree I dodged a bullet. I hope I can find someone healthy one day.. I am going to see a therapist.

My BPD daughter said similar things and they were very hard.  Eventually, if she made any kind of threat like that I dialed 9-1-1 and said that she was a threat to herself or others.  When paramedics arrived, I would repeat that phrase over and over again, "She's a threat to herself or others."  Sometimes I'd add, "I don't feel safe with her being in the home right now, not with the way she's acting and the stuff she's saying."

Sometimes, they'd take her away for hours, days, or weeks.  Sometimes, they'd leave while filing a report.  But I did it anyway, every time, when her mood switched to highly disordered and she was screaming, crying, or whichever way the wind blew that day.  If she was truly unhinged, I dialed 9-1-1 every single time...even if paramedics had left 3 minutes earlier.

What quickly happened is that my daughter stopped those types of threats completely, because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  Whether she was truly suicidal or she just wanted to manipulate/hurt me, I really didn't care...I dialed 9-1-1.  And that took that particular weapon out of her arsenal after the 3rd or 4th involuntary hold.

Note that I didn't say, "She's suicidal."  That means she can say, "No I'm not."  Case closed, nothing happens.  By saying, "My kid is a threat to herself or others," now you're making it a mental health emergency that affects your wellbeing and everyone in the home as well.  They have no choice but to take her for an ambulance ride and a psych evaluation. 

She'd often be home the next day, but again, it's not completely about that.  It's about ending those types of threats so they're not weaponized against your family.

That's the thing- you're not trying to abandon.  Instead, you're saying that you enjoy helping her, but there has to be a basic level of respect there.  BPDs struggle with social interactions with those they're close to, so she absolutely must learn right from wrong.  Throwing a temper tantrum and blaming dad (while he's helping her) is wrong.  You can say that in a firm but loving way.

I would tell my BPD daughter, "Look, I want to take you for ice cream (or whatever it is that she wants in that moment), but you're making the choices here.  You can be nice and we'll do what you want to do, or you can be mean and I'll go do something else.  The choice is 100% yours and I'll let you choose."

Can you see what I did there?  It's not my choice to tell your kid to walk home in the cold.  It's her choice to walk home in the cold and maybe if she does it enough times, she might think, "Maybe I shouldn't go off on dad right now since it's really cold outside."

The same went for living with me- clean up after yourself and be kind.  Follow the two rules and you can stay forever.  If you don't like the rules, then I wish you luck wherever you decide to live.  I was never ugly about it though; I just made it clear that she was choosing the outcomes because my boundaries wouldn't change.

The more you reinforce that, the fact that she's choosing, the easier it gets in time.  I would say all the time, "I love you and I want you to stay."  But then I'd let her make her own choices and I'd force her to live with them.

It might sound mean, but it's a kindness in these circumstances.

Not to be flippant, but you just dodged a bullet.  Much worse outcomes for you were possible here.  Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate that a little.

Beyond that, consider how you ended up with her, and why you tolerated her behavior for as long as you did, although it sounds like you recognized something was off about her and ended it reasonable soon.  If she was BPD (I assume that's why you're here) there was probably a lot about her behavior that you didn't like. 

I'd also suggest you don't take any of this personally; it wasn't your fault & you didn't do anything wrong.  You just had the misfortune of running into a pwBPD.  They're out there, and it happens.  Chalk it up to life experience & a lesson learned, and move on.  If it helps you avoid another bad relationship someday, consider it wasn't a total loss.

We had a rough patch of 2 months of constant arguing (it was somewhere during this she cheated, (conception would’ve been during July 2025)

In August we broke up, we broke up for about 1.5-2 weeks then she advised me she was pregnant. At first I thought she was bluffing so I got back with her to see. She took me to his first ultrasound and I accepted the reality the child was mine(or so I thought..)

Everything went “fine” until the baby shower, a week leading up to it she became distant.

I went to the baby shower in front her whole family (like 70 people) then she broke up with me a week later under the umbrella of me not doing enough for her and the child during the pregnancy, apparently

This kind of threw me the wrong way and didn’t make sense. I asked for a “DNA test to ensure my parental rights and obligations, and I have no doubts I am the father” after we broke up.

There was no contact for 2 months and I followed up with the dna test when she would’ve given birth. No reply.

After I filed a court application (it was ready to go) and my lawyer sent a letter to her that we will be needing a dna test and be taking this to court if she does not otherwise under the circumstances this step is not required

She sent a letter to my lawyer “confirming 2 dna tests” have confirmed I am not the father, and that I am apparently harassing and bullying her (I haven’t spoken to her since February minus one text addressing dna; and very polite/sterile)

Her mother was served the documents and after that she started complying (I do not believe willingfully..) and agreed to do the dna test shortly after but also that I “cease communication” upon the results confirming I am not the father.


Fast forward to the dna results; sure enough I am not the father.
I chose not to contact her after the results came out, to cancel costs and to advise my lawyer to tell hers not to contact me again, especially after that letter she sent him where I “cease communication” I am 26 and she is 23.

How do I heal and or move on from this? Any advice or input appreciated. I just feel a blatant “what the actual **** just happened”

Hi again.

I've read through so many of your posts and wish I had wise words for you - but here I am also asking questions. I wonder if there's ever a time when life becomes "normal" again.

I'm the mom of a 27 year old sdd (self diagnosed daughter) often tells me she wants to die.  I listen. I don't try to argue it, or fix it. I know better now.

When she splits, there's often the same comments so I'd love to know how to respond - or what you guys have tried.

Examples of the two most common that get me every time.  Any advice would be helpful.

Both of these are often in response to me telling her to stop a behaviour (yelling, calling me names, scolding me for something) and she will say "It's always about you, mom, isn't it.  You always have to make it about you" and I will respond (per my therapist) "In this moment, yes, I need to remind you that we need to be respectful to each other" (or something similar.) (this never works btw)  She will ultimately say one of the two following and it shuts me down.  I just don't know what to say or do. 

1. I only don't "do it" (commit suicide), because I don't want to hurt you, dad and my sibling - but since you don't care about me, then I won't care and I'll just go ahead though you won't see it coming.  (she knows I'll call 911 if she says it's imminent)

2. I hope you can live with yourself on the morning you wake up, and I don't, knowing it's your fault.  (This one cuts me so deep...I don't know how to react)

Thank you both for the replies. 

To fill in some blanks - boundaries are still an issue though, I've come a long way from when I started this journey, in this forum with this supportive group.  I needed the tough love approach you both gave as advice in this for sure.

Also to clarify - the other thing, is when she leaves my car, it's generally between 10 and midnight. She's usually not dressed for the weather and we're in a cold(er) climate.  I need to be really clear here - I get that she left the car and so she needs to reap the consequences, but how do I put my worry aside when my petite daughter is walking alone through the streets at midnight. (I feel how dumb this question is but it's what I feel at the time).

Even still - I took your words to heart and tightened my boundaries a bit - but her words and pain still stings and I'm truly all she has right now.  I don't know how to set boundaries any further and still not leave her feeling abandoned.

 

who really knows. I truly have not asked anyone, learned of anyone else which I guarantee exists or has existed. She knows absolutely nothing about me nor her. I have no social media or shared friends with her. I need a new job haha I understand running into someone in the wild is possible. Here though, I can't really control my orbit. She knows that so decides to pop around randomly as a reminder she exists and I can't do a thing about it. At least it doesn't make me sad anymore.

I'm currently living in the Philippines (because my wife is here) and the average household income is $8/day.  The average cost of living is $10-12/day...and now closer to $13.50/day with surging gas prices.  Literally any person in this country, no matter how wealthy or poor, would immigrate to America tomorrow if given the chance. 

When they do get a chance to work overseas, they are FANTASTIC workers because they've never had any opportunity before and they'll do anything to keep that blessing.  A McDonalds paycheck feeds 10-20 people back home for the entire month.  That's why you see all foreigners in fast food, hair salons, stocking shelves, etc.  They are extremely thankful for those jobs and do not take it for granted.

I think a new interest distracts them, but the dynamic is still always there though.  They never get over the feelings of spite and anger at being abandoned/dumped, regardless of the fault they had in it happening.