Hi there,

I've been in a similar situation, worrying about my adult BPD stepdaughter when her life looks increasingly dysfunctional.  In fact, pulling away from family is often a sign ther her life is veering off course.  Whenever she is failing and flailing, she will typically cut off contact (initially at least), and I think it's because she's ashamed.  You see, she desperately wants to succeed at adulting, but her unreasonable expectations, unstable emotions, impulsivity and difficulties handling stress or disappointments gets in her way.  She might land a job, but she'll quit impulsively after a tiff or after receiving constructive criticism.  She might get along with roommates for a time, but eventually she'll get herself kicked out or disinvited.  When she quits school, quits her job or leaves her living situation, her life becomes destabilized.  Initially, she'll avoid any contact with family, out of shame, and because she can't bear to hear a well-meaning question like, How are you?  Since the answer is Terrible, she prefers not to answer at all, to AVOID dealing with her issues.  But soon, her disordered BPD thinking will convince her that the reason she's failing is because her family is toxic.  She'll adopt a victim narrative, one where she can't possibly work or study or live with roommates because her childhood was terrible and her parents are abusive.  In effect, she's blame-shifting.  Eventually, when she has run out of money, burned all her bridges, needs housing or needs help, she'll reach out.  She'll blame parents for ruining her life, while holding out her hand for more money.  She believes that parents OWE it to her to FIX her life, because she demands RETRIBUTION for ruining it.  Does that sound about right?

While it's natural for young adults to pull away from parents, and to struggle as they start out, with BPD, the struggles seem super-sized.  I bet your daughter seems really confused about the world and her place in it.  In effect, "adulting" is completely overwhelming to her.  Instead of excitement, she feels anxiety, dread, fear, inferiority, total overwhelm.  Deciding where to live, where to work and what to eat every day, let alone mustering the energy to get out of bed, just seems impossibly difficult.  She's basically traumatized by adult life, and as a result, she has a trauma-based, fight or flight reaction to daily stresses.  Her coping mechanism is to blame parents for ruining her life--and if she can't find something to criticize, then she'll criticize you for bringing her into this terrible, overwhelming, unfair world.  Once she has unleashed her anger, she'll retreat again in avoidance.  At the same time, she'll think she's "punishing" parents with her absence.  In a way, she is, because we worry about her.  Yet at the same time, it feels like respite from her daily drama.

So where does that leave parents?  I think my general approach has been to respect the decisions of my pwBPD.  If she has said she doesn't want contact, I respect that choice, because she just can't handle contact for the time being.  Nevertheless, my approach has been not to purposely exclude her.  On holidays and her birthday, I'll send her a short, friendly but emotionally neutral message, just as I would do for business associates, cousins and the like.  Something along the lines of, Happy Holidays, hope you are well.  I will buy her Christmas presents, in the hopes that she will decide to celebrate the holiday with us, but if she decides to stay away, I don't send her the presents; I just put them aside for later, or gift them to someone else.  She will be invited to an upcoming wedding, regardless of whether we are talking or not, but I won't be surprised if she decides not to attend.  I don't push her, I don't beg, I don't convey any emotional pain or distress related to her absence, I don't even expect an RSVP to the wedding.  (She can barely deal with her own emotions, so I won't burden her with any of my emotions, let alone any sense of obligation.)  I focus on living my best life, while I leave the door open to reengage when she's ready.  It's entirely up to her to decide when she's ready.  In the meantime, we keep tabs on her, through her therapist, extended family, online footprint and banking activity.  I haven't gone so far as to check on her car, but if that makes you feel better, knowing she's in her apartment, then I'd say, go ahead, just don't let her ever catch you.  She might be unemployed, or she might be working from home.  Chances are that if she runs out of money, she'll reach out to you.  I'd say, if she doesn't reach out, then maybe she's managing independently, and that would be marvelous.

Look, I know what it's like to fear the worst.  My BPD stepdaughter attempted suicide multiple times.  There were many times when I wondered if she was still alive.  But since she's been hospitalized so often, she knows that she can get professional help if she needs it.  She can dial 911 or take an Uber to an emergency room, which she has done in the past.  That's how I know she knows she can get help if she needs it.

Anyway, the cycle of moving in with parents, then estrangement, then moving in with parents, then estrangement has been repeated multiple times in my family.  Frankly, I've lost count of how many rescues, rebounds and retreats there have been.  But here's what I've noticed, and I think it's progress.  Every time my adult stepdaughter rebounds to my place, her stay seems to shorten, while her time living independently seems to lengthen.  At first, she could only handle a few short weeks on her own, before a rebound.  Then a couple of months.  Then six to nine months.  Now, she's approaching a year.  Most of the time when she's living independently, she's "semi-estranged" from her parents.  I write "semi," because she'll temporarily break the estrangement when she hits a crisis, like needing money or logistical or administrative support.  I'll admit, it's sad that she only seems to contact us when she needs something.  The relationship feels very transactional in that way.  Though she can sometimes act nice, it generally feels fake and manipulative.  She's nicest when she's unemployed and we're providing free room and board; I think she feels like she's on "vacation," free of responsibilities.  But as soon as she's employed or has any responsibilities, her stress levels rise, and she is disagreeable and/or shunning us again.  But here's the thing:  I think that's OK.  I mean, I'd rather have her hate me while she's functioning, more or less independently in the world, than have her pretend to like me when she's using me so she can avoid adult responsibilties.  Does that make any sense?  I know that may be an unconventional viewpoint, but that's how I'm approaching all this.

All the best to you.

Hi gang, I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions on how to navigate conflicting emotions? My adult daughter with BPD (35yo) has split from me and I am respectfully not contacting her since she made it clear those are her wishes. Of course, I love her, and I find myself driving by her place to see if she is home.  Her car is always there... so now I wonder is she working? Is she alive in that apartment? (Dramatic but a very real thought) | wonder if it would be good to text her 'hi, thinking of you' once in a while until this passes? Which could take a while…. I would like some tips to manage emotions, and actions while she is split from me.  Thoughts?
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Notwendy,

Thanks for the wise reply, which is correct in all the important aspects.  I think for my husband, the BPD-like behaviors really seem to emerge when he's worried and stressed out, mainly about his BPD daughter's dysfunction!  She's been hospitalized several times, unemployed for long stretches, bouncing from living situation to living situation--and that is stressful for everyone, not to mention a huge financial burden on us.  As for BPD, there might be a genetic component, and there might be an intergenerational component involving a history of high-conflict family dynamics, or maybe a mix of both.  To me it doesn't really matter; what matters is how it affects my family, and ultimately how I deal with it.

I guess my point is that the skills learned here--validation, not validating the invalid, not adding fuel to an emotional fire, not JADEing when he's just looking for conflict or an outlet for his negative thoughts, not walking on eggshells all the time--have been useful when dealing with BPD, and also when dealing with generic adult temper tantrums.  Indeed, I don't handle everything perfectly, and sometimes I "give in" by trying to avoid and manage my husband's usual triggers.  There was a year or two when I felt I was subject to a 6:00 pm "curfew," as well as constant surveillance (e.g. hateful accusations any time I looked at my phone), on top of frequent criticism/henpecking/meanness.  One time, I resigned from a club and lost a couple of female friendships, because my husband was insanely jealous of anything I did that didn't involve him or didn't center around him, and he demanded that I give up these activities/friendships as a "test" of my devotion to him.  But when making these sacrifices, I quickly learned that by bending to his need for total control over me only made things worse.  Not just worse, but much worse, because I was losing out on life, and I was becoming a person I didn't recognize, while he continued to escalate his demands.  My solution?  Live my life as I should, and just let him have his meltdowns.  I'm not saying I go out of my way to do anything mean, or to offend him, or to exclude him intentionally.  I'm just much more aware of allowing bad behavior which serves to curtail my rights to a healthy life.  It's sad that he has a meltdown over nothingburgers, but I'd rather be temporarily sad than a slave.  In other words, I decided to stomp on the eggshells.  If they're going to break, they are going to break, I'm not tiptoeing on them or finding some alternate route around them.  I strap on some boots and go about my day like I'm supposed to.  Like they say, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Linkal- are you in the US?  If you are, I think a best move is to consult with a local council on elders, social services and, if there is an affordable option, an elder law attorney,

You have seen that it is not feasable to be a full time caregiver to your mother and also take care of yourself and your own goals, like studying for the bar exam. If holding on to this rope means that both of you go over the bridge, then your only option is to let go of that rope.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

Taking care of someone who is mentally ill and who has physical challenges may need professionals involved in their care.

Pook's suggestion for assisted living is along that line. However, in the US, elder care is not so straightforward. There are financial rules to know about. Assisted living is self pay and costs several thousand dollars a month. If a person does not pay, or is a behavior problem- the assisted living center can evict them.

Skilled nursing home care is different however there are still financial considerations. Medicare covers short term rehabilitation, like if someone has broken a bone, or needs continued care for a short term illness. Different Medicare plans have different coverages. If a person needs long term care and can not pay, Medicaid can cover costs but there are rules for qualifying for that. Medicaid looks back 5+ years (depending on state) to determine if a parent has gifted their assets, and this will result in a wait penalty.

Do not sign any forms when enrolling your mother. Apparently she is considered legally competent according to the responses you have gotten. She herself needs to voluntarily go, and sign herself.  She may refuse. You also need to know what constitutes neglect and what are your legal obligations (this varies by state).

So it may not be possible for you to get her into a facility right away but it will help you to know the rules, what the different facilities are and how to plan for Medicaid, and have a plan in place for yourself. Your mother may agree to get the process for Medicaid going as another option that some states offer is to cover some hours of home health care. She may be intersted in that.

I wanted to be proactive with my BPD mother but she was not cooperative. Also it's not just with BPD. No elderly person wants to go to a home- they want their independence, but sometimes a crisis happens and so it helps to have the roadmap decided if possible. Sometimes the situation is that they need to go to the hospital and then be discharged home. The first person they will look at to care for her is you.  That is where you can step in and say you can not take care of her, that she has greater needs. They will need to make other arrangements for her, like temporary skilled nursing.

My BPD mother kept her health and finances secret and remained in her home, refusing assisted living even though she needed that help. Her crisis was financial. She had run out of money and second mortgaged her house, gotten herself into financial difficulty. Her only option was to sell the house, pay the loan back, and use the rest for assisted living.

It may not be possible to plan for moving your mother to a facility- but taking steps to find out how to do that and having a plan will help you with seeing the situation as hopeless. The law protects the elder's autonomy. As you saw, agencies can not intervene without proof of mental incompetence. For my mother, this would have to have involved testing, and medical testifying in court and it would be a waste of time and money, as it would be with your mother.

Your being proactive and learning the various aspects of elder care is being proactive and protecting yourself while also navigating a way to arrange care for your mother if and when that becomes the next step for her.

Hi there,

Welcome to the group, you're in numerous company.  It sounds like you have a clear idea of how your daughter is triggered by minor things and then blows them way out of proportion, distorts them and hurls anger, insults, blame and false accusations your way.  I guess my advice is, if you want to get a glimpse of what's bugging your daughter, listen for projection and the feelings behind her outbursts.  In my experience, adult children with BPD tend to speak in code.  For example:

Digging deep in the archive of negative childhood memories = misplaced blame and distraction from present issues; fear of the future.  In other words, getting mad about the past and blaming parents feels easier than getting angry at herself for not being able to handle the issue du jour.

Calling you lazy, narcissistic, a liar, manipulative, vindictive, childish, a disaster, that you should be punished or euthanized = how she thinks about herself.  She's ruminating about these issues so much that they're always top of mind and emerge as projection onto you.

Avoidance of topics or situations = a typical, trauma-based flight response, which feels easier in the moment than dealing with the real issue of the day.

Anyway, my opinion is that the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter powerless.  Basically she's abdicating responsibility for her life and decisions, blaming you instead.  It must be incredibly frustrating for her to believe she isn't in control of her own life.  And any time you try to send her the memo that adulthood means being responsible for oneself, she crumples it up and throws it in your face.  Does that sound about right?

Here we use the term FOG--fear, obligation and guilt--which can sometimes cloud our judgment.  An example is giving your daughter money any time she asks for it, because you fear she can't solve her own problems.  And yet, by giving her money, you might actually be convincing her that she IS incapable, and you might be getting in the way of her learning how the real world works.  Here, parents often have a hard time drawing the line between support and enablement.

There's also the general stress of any interaction with her.  Does your heart skip a beat any time you get a call or text from her?  Does your mind race, wondering what the latest emergency might be?  Welcome to the club.

My advice?  I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like, so that you're Calm, Happy, Confident Mom instead of Frazzled, Worried, Lonely Mom whenever you interact with your daughter.  That means taking care of yourself, going on vacation, enjoying your family time, pursuing hobbies, etc.  You engage with your daughter when she's civil, but the second she lashes out at you, or becomes mean while dumping her problems du jour on you, say something short and non-blaming like, "I need to use the bathroom."  That way, you take a break, but really you're giving your daughter an "adult time out" to calm down.  If she sends a nasty text, don't dignify it with a response.  Just take it as a sign that she is stressed out and needs another time out.  And if she storms off in faux protest (say, at a family dinner), don't run after her, apologize for upsetting her or beg her to return.  Trust that she needs some time and space to calm down, another time out.  My advice is not to interrupt the time out.  How does that sound?

Un fuerte abrazo.

I second everything CC just said.  There's a BPD book titled, "I hate you, don't leave me!" and you can sort of figure out what the book is about just on those six words.  BPDs are master manipulators and want to control everything and everyone around them.  You're getting pulled into this mess....but you're also choosing to stay in it.

If the responsibility is yours alone, place her in an assisted living facility.  If she refuses, walk away.  It's not your burden.

Hi Lyrikal,

I'm glad to see you back here, but also sad about the turn of events.

I know everything seems awful right now, but if you'd like a little perspective from where I'm sitting, here goes.  First, you can take the bar again if you want to.  You can find another job.  My guess is that you are capable; it's just that the situation with your mom has been distracting you.

Why don't you listen to the surgeon, who told you it's not right for you to be a primary caregiver?  Yet you are convincing yourself that YOU have to fix your mom's situation, because you will be charged with neglect if you leave!  I think the track record says the opposite:  that you tried everything in your power to get your mom help, but she refuses it over and over again.  Since she's viewed as mentally competent, then she is responsible for herself.  She makes the decisions, and yet you face the consequences?  No, if she makes the decisions, SHE needs to face the consequences.  She is responsible for her, you are responsible for you.  I'm thinking, maybe the only way your mom will ever get help is if you get out of the way.  Then she can dial emergency services if she needs them.  But for as long as she guilts you into caretaking, then she's avoiding getting the help she needs, while she's sabotaging your life.  I'd say, she's free to ruin her life, but she's not free to ruin yours in the process.

It sounds to me like you need a break, big-time.  Since you mentioned your cousin, is there any possibility you could stay with her for a little bit, and get some needed rest before you plan your next move?

I'd also suggest that whatever next step you take, it's for YOU.  You're no good to your mom if you're operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, a complete basket case, financially destroyed, with no livelihood, no friends, no confidence.  You don't deserve that!  If your mom were of a right mind, she wouldn't want that for you either.

Anyway, clearly your mom can state her case with emergency services; it's not like she's mute.  Chances are that if she called emergency services, she'd go to a hospital, and then the hospital would treat her.  If the hospital determined that it wasn't safe to discharge her because she didn't have appropriate home care, then the hospital would have to work with social services to arrange it somehow.  But if you step in and say you'll take care of her, then she'll be discharged.  So don't step in if you want her to get professional help.  Besides, you're not a professional caretaker, and it sounds like she needs one.

Hang in there, you've got this.

CC43- the "it looks sort of like BPD but not BPD" is that this kind of behavior- when a grown adult switches to acting like a child, isn't only with BPD. It can happen with other childhood trauma, emotional deprivation. Being home to cook his dinner might feel like security to him.

It's crazy making because he's a grown man who can heat up a lasagna you made for him. That you called if you are running late is something a grown man can handle. And pointing this out to him doesn't work, because it's not rational. It's emotional and in that moment, his security has felt shaken up and emotionally in the moment, he's not being rational.

This isn't your problem to fix, and it seems he isn't inclined to take on the therapy to do so. On your part, if you modify your schedule to avoid his triggers- that is caretaking his emotions. However, you also can choose to preserve your sanity sometimes by coming home and making the dinner, after all you need to eat too and if you don't want to deal with a meltdown after a long day at work. Being aware that you are making the choice keeps you in a different mind set. You are doing the right thing by being aware that what he says during these episodes is more like a child tantrum- calling you a poo poo- and not a definition of you.

Childhood traumas, emotional deprivation- these aren't genetic but are passed down generations in families due to the dynamics that seem familiar to them. BPD has a genetic component- and so there's each person's particular vulnerabilty that plays into how this affects family members. That his daughter has BPD suggests he might too, but I think in time we will see a lot of overlap between the PD's and family dynamics.

I can see patterns in my BPD mother's family. She's the only one in her immediate family who has BPD. The other's are highly functional but I can sense some odd dynamics going on- I can't name them, but speaking to her family can feel invalidating. They aren't bad people, in fact they are competent and kind people. However, a vulnerable person growing up with invalidation might flip the direction to BPD.

It is exhausting to deal with the behaviors, and understandable that you wish your H would change but this reflexive behavior may be how he is and unless he was willing to undergo therapy- it's not likely to change. On your part, letting him deal with his feelings rather than managing them (when you feel you want to handle the reaction) is handing it back to him. That he apologizes the next day is a plus, he has some awareness, but probably not in the moment.

She won, and the mechanisms in place that exist to protect people from abuse failed me.

As an update, I tried to get APS involved and a psych evaluation ordered via the police. APS and other state agencies told me that the way the law was written, she can only get help unless she is alone. However, if I leave her alone, I will certainly be charged with neglect. The police even canceled the EMS call I requested because she told them I called because I was upset about a bill she asked me to pay. Then convinced the police that I have a psychological issue and began calling people telling them I was having a psychotic episode and was afraid for my safety.

This ended with me flashing my badge (I am an Assistant District Attorney) at the cops and accusing them of gross misconduct. The shift commander told me that unfortunately, caring for my mom is a personal choice and I need to make some decisions. The same decision that would land me in jail and ruin my career .

I was just let go from my job because I could not pass the bar. I also lost my home. All while I dealt with her intentionally doing harmful things to me because she cannot regulate her emotions about her condition. I took her to a surgeon, who told her she cannot be helped before having extensive physical therapy and that making me her primary caregiver is wrong. She took that as “he doesn’t want to help me, and you stopped me from getting care, and caused my downfall”. I also according to her “failed the bar because I’m ________ing lazy and don’t take life seriously.”

I am wake often until 5 am or later dealing with a mixture of caregiving or a BPD episode. I am exhausted. Local officials will not intervene unless I either commit a crime or my health finally gives out on me.

I cannot believe it. I’m in substantial debt, and no one will actually help me because the law says they cannot AND because they refuse to submit her for a psychological evaluation.

What’s also insane is that I got a chance to speak with my cousin (my mother’s brother’s daughter) and she told me that my experiences mirror her own and that he acts exactly like her.

I was failed by everyone. I was doomed from the start, and I had zero clue until it was too late.

I legitimately cannot believe it. She actually won. I am not perfect, but I did everything I was supposed to do.

Hi Naild,
You are in the right place!  I recently joined as well with the same story.  Adult daughter, family that has backed up because the drama is just non-stop.  I have guilt also- for feeling angry at my daughter for what she has said and done towards me.  I have guilt also for stepping back and resting during this break.  (I have done something, and she refuses to tell me what it is).
There is safety here.  And there are lots of folks who can confirm that you are not the problem they think you are… I hope you can find some peace in knowing you are not the only one.  It is sad but true…. We are so many going through the same thing.  Take care of you the best you can