Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and so many here can relate based on their relationships.

Can I ask how old your ex is?  She sounds younger and that definitely plays a factor with BPD.  Maturity comes slower and lessons come so much harder.

To move past this, continue to do what you're doing.  I'd pack up her stuff and get it out- send it to her mom if you have to.  You have to break that cycle though and since it's only been a month, your mind is still trying to process what the heck happened.  The simple answer is that she was mentally ill- everything that happened came from her thinking with emotion instead of logic or reasoning.  She's sick...and she made very poor choices because she was broken inside.

I'm so glad you found us though a please, keep venting...let this out.  Try to stay busy as well and get out of the house (hobbies, friends, whatever).  Exercise works wonders for processing grief- now's a great time to join a gym or pick up a sport/hobby.  And find someone local to talk this out with- a therapist, a pastor, or simply friends/family.  They won't fully understand but that's okay.

Background:

My parents are wonderful. Full of grace, compassion, so supportive, emotionally in-tune, and reasonable. We are also all christians, which I have found makes this complex for me personally in knowing what is the right thing to do. I believe reconciliation is what is best because ultimately that is what Jesus did - he reconciled us to God.

My sister and I are extremely close. Planned pregnancies around each other, spent every day talking or hanging out - even sometimes twice a day.

However, it hasn't come without an unbelievable amount of conflict. Since I was a teenager she has threatened and leveraged her relationship with me.

While we maintained very close relationship, it came with a lack of her acknowledging things. She truly has told me on multiple occasions she has nothing to work on and has done nothing wrong. She doesn't show a lack of humility- it is always a resounding confidence that her opinion is correct and any opposition to that she will not tolerate.

She's getting a divorce. Her husband was emotionally abusive and intimidating. There is a lot of problems there that no one has ever denied. She has been told by church leaders that she can divorce this man and that there would be zero church discipline.

This summer we went to the beach, but of course she left early. It was a massive deal, just like every vacation and holiday or family event is. I spend half my time consoling her. Well, this time she got mad at me because she said I need to "validate her" over a fight with my sister and mom and herself. Well I disagreed. What happened was my oldest sister told her kids to stop running. My BPD sister told them to stop running twice. On the third time, my oldest sister (their mom) raised her voice and said "Guys, park it!" They are 8 and 9.

My BPD sister took all of the toddlers (mine and hers) out of the room and gave my oldest sister a disturbing look, as if she was dangerous. This is when it all went extremely south. She claims that her children and herself are so traumatized that even something like this situation is triggering. You see, trauma has now become to perfect excuse for her behavior. She can be a real victim and have chaotic behavior because she was "triggered"

She left the beach trip early because she said she was "alone" and went home and briefly reunited with her husband she was separated from. Which we knew would happen. We all called it.

Anyways, several weeks later after a couple more fights I told her she was controlling and manipulative. I told her she has leveraged her relationship with me since I was 14. She got so upset, but then she texted me and said she would pray about whether or not she was.

Well, she needed up saying she didn't think she was, which I completely accepted. I didn't fight her on it- if she felt that way it was fine, but I felt differently. She told me that until I retract what I said she would no longer share anything with me. I told her "why can you call out my sin but I can't call you yours?" and she said "Because what I was is true" (she believes I have an anger problem) And I had told her two years ago that I would work on my anger with her, and by God's grace I have. He has strengthened me to not lash out at her in most situations, of course I have failed at times.

Anyways I told her that I didn't believe it was her identity but that didn't matter - she then went on to accuse me of a "smear campaign" - she had reached out to other friends and specifically asked them what sin they see in her life. they told her control and manipulation - they thought these things APART from me. They had their own conflict with her.

When she blew up on her friends and cut them off, I called her. I told her and tried to plead with her to just be okay with us disagreeing, but she said no. She said I had re traumatized her - and that solidified so much for me to hear her say that. I will just never be able to communicate anything of substance. She claims my entire family, her church, and her friends have re traumatized her, enabled her abuser, and trigger her. There's no getting through to her because she uses trauma as her scapegoat.

She is now saying until I admit that I re traumatized her and process how I have, the foundation of our relationship will be broken. She said until I show true repentance, she will not continue our relationship.

I have told her so many times she asks me to go against my conscience - these are things I see in her. I do see control and manipulation. I'm not allowed to have autonomy of thought.

SOOOOO much more has happened it is just so much to type out.

She screamed at my "YOU'RE OUT OF MY LIFE" so loud the neighbors came out, but she never acknowledged it. I waited a month. During that time she contacted me mostly for things she needed - same with my parents, asking for money or childcare - and then when thanksgiving came around she said she wanted to have thanksgiving with us, but she would not call us back! She truly refused to talk to us on the phone even about scheduling. She said we could text her and she would not be calling.

My mom texted her and suggested she call me because we were feeling anxious about thanksgiving. She responded in bold font about her boundaries and how her and her kids wouldn't be coming and she cancelled their birthday party to "protect her peace"

I finally texted her and addressed when she screamed at me over a month ago - she never repsonded. Instead, she texted my dad and told him that me, him, and my mom were being cut off- no contact. She isn't allowing us to see her kids. My parents are hurting over this - my whole family is. It is really hard.

I read Walking on Eggshells this summer and so many things resonated with me about my sister - I do think its the unconventional type.

It's hard to accept that she would rather it be this way. My family does not deserve even remotely to be cut off. They are the most respectful, gracious, loving parents. And what's so confusing is I saw her in public and she said hi to me. I don't get it. I feel so sad. She was my best friend. I am realizing though how unhealthy the relationship was all along - periods of distance as punishment. It still hurts though, even if it is a disorder, it is extremely painful.

Thank you to those that have responded. I have read quite a bit on the site and it does make me feel less alone.

She is not in therapy. She has been very off and on with it, and has never been a regular attendee. She says that it doesn't help, or that the therapist is wrong. She says she is misdiagnosed mostly because she doesn't agree, and refuses to be labeled. She is very smart and an avid reader of psychology books, and has often said that she knows what to say and do to get things her way. We are in a same sex relationship and she often points to her past coming out as a reason for her anger.

It is very hard not to believe all of this is somehow my fault. I saw the red flags very early on and ignored them. She "needed me" - said I was the only one that could temper her anger. I think that made me feel heroic of sorts. But the anger is pretty bad - name calling, threats to me and my family, and always shame over her actions later. Words like "you know I would never do that to you" and "of course you know I love you - I just need more." It makes me feel guilty for leaving or not accepting the behavior.

I had to end it. The final straw was her attacking me because I 'abandoned' her after she strayed from our goal of walking to a bus stop to get back home. Police were involved and well you know the rest. We lived together so its complicated especially with a 5 yr no contact order and most of her things at my home. I have no intention of trying to drop the charges. This is one of my many conundrums. I refuse to take any of the consequences (5 yr active supervision, Moral and ethics classes, anger management classes) away from her because of her behavior. She is prescribed Adderall, and a couple of other meds but doesn't take the full dose everyday because she is afraid of running out so by not taking the whole dose she is able to prolong the refill. That makes absolutely no sense to me. We were friends before our 4 month romance and not friends anymore because of it. I still spend a few moments everyday (its been a month) bringing myself to the point of outward emotion. And questioning everything of its reality. It is truly bewildering to me how utterly insane the behavior of this gf of mine is somehow 'my fault'. I played a part in this and am aware of that. I lashed out. Harshly. And I started to detach at some point after she told me not to kiss her one day after work because she just had sex with someone right after going to jail for theft of some things at a gas station. I could go on for awhile and may just write a book about it all. We have a roommate who was outside shooting his BB pistol, well my gf locks the doors calls the police saying there is a guy with a gun trying to get in the house. So police dept (all of them) get there with all the fanfare guns drawn ready to take the intruder away. They put guy in handcuffs check out the gun. Then they find out he is the roommate just outside target shooting with a bb gun and was just trying to get back in the house. It only gets worse. She told the police on a different occasion that my friends were trying to crawl through the bathroom window to rape her, she thinks the neighbors are exchanging her cat for another one to take her cat to go have urethra sex with it. Because her cat acts differently depending on my gf behavior that day. Mind you her cat has very distinctive marks that would tell you there's no way that's happening. There was SOMETHING ev-er-y single day. I blamed her for so many things going wrong with our relationship. I still do. I am sorry for that. I feel guilt. Because she is now in a homeless shelter. She has burnt so many bridges that her mom and her daughter don't want to deal with her. Including not letting my gf see her grandson. Because of her behavior. The paranoia she feels comes from thinking people are listening to her (she whispers at times) and following her because they think she has something to do with the demise of her old boss' husband in Arizona. She didn't, but that's her paranoia. This is why I am having a hard time: she didn't work last 4 months after getting fired so I supported her our entire relationship. Her meds, place to live gas for the car food clothing cigarettes. She would purposely pick an argument with someone (a guy walks by her doesn't touch her but she will say something to the guy like did you just touch my ass?) and make a big scene with me knowing it was all on purpose to illicit some reaction from me I think. Not sure. So its very difficult for me (I am a child sexual abuse survivor from a family member) to not retreat when faced with incredibly charged emotions that I don't understand nor know how to process. So as you can imagine I have many concerns from will I ever understand to I don't want her to think of me as 'discarded'. Because that is the absolute worst feeling I can realize. I went through it as a kid being abused by my older brother. I tried and I tried. Only to be labeled as discarded? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time everyday with that. Knowing I invested a ton while I never say effort from her. What do I need to do to move past this? If possible. I mean we are kind of bonded because of this domestic violence thing for 5 years and I look at her things in my house and get triggered by them all the time. All day every day. I miss her. But I don't. Its too bad because I truly loved her. 

to echo this, therapy alone is absolutely nothing. I was in couples counseling with me ex, she smiled, downplayed things and didn't really even bring up her concerns. Only real thing was her saying 'I don't feel heard' aka I don't agree with every accusation or concern she had. Agree to disagree was never on the table. Plus she was in individual therapy for YEARS before me. I'm unsure what she ever shared as her reporting back to me was her saying her therapist thought I was the issue, so of course one sided, no context or even made up scenarios. Even for normal people it's hard to see yourself as a problem in situations, for them it's 100x worse.

CPH73,
I'm new here as well. There is much understanding, and caring in this community. Just that helps in a big way. You'll read other's stories challenges and successes. The Library has been helpful with advice on communication..  . that I'm just beginning to put into practice. Take care of yourself during this visit. Be sure to love yourself as you're showing love to your son.

Thank you Diamond69,
This is a hard walk changing how I show love and support to my son. Knowing others understand and see relief at times and even growth for our kids, loved ones and ourselves is encouraging. 

Thank you ❤️

I can totally relate to how you feel.  My son is almost 27 and I feel like I’ve been on the same rollercoaster as you described (and CC43–they really described the situation with my son so accurately!).  I do feel like the Family Connections course has helped me resisting jumping in to fix things and to learn to keep things short and simple, especially during a meltdown when I tended to try to “get in his head” emotionally which just made things worse.   Now I try to just validate and wait until he asks for my opinion/advice/help instead of jumping in.  But it is hard and goes against that maternal instincts…

You're in the right place to find others who have been through what you're going through now. I read through your post and noted the many 'standard' behaviours of someone with BPD - it really is amazing how symptoms run to a script which always repeats.

You said she was 'misdiagnosed', which I take to mean that she's had professional diagnosis?  People with BPD often refuse to believe they even have a problem and maintain it's all their partner's fault; another standard symptom of the illness.

You say you are in therapy at the moment but is she? Without it she is unlikely to improve and maybe not even then. It's very important that you don't blame yourself for her actions because even if you were 100% faultless and a perfect human being, she would still act the same way because they see - and imagine - things their own way, which in their mind is always correct. It's very easy to slip into self-blame and we've all done it to one extent or another but she is the one with a serious, debilitating illness, not you.

You can give and take equally in a relationship and that's how it should be, but it's not good to simply endure an abusive relationship at the expense of your own physical and mental health.

If she's not in therapy at the moment, do you think she would do it and more importantly, stick with it?

Hello and welcome.

I am quite new to this site, and my situation is different to yours as I have separated from my wife and didn’t know about BPD while in the relationship as she is undiagnosed, but your story sounds quite familiar.

I am sure there will be someone along with better advice on ways to try and manage your relationship, but in the meantime, to answer your question then yes, most people here are struggling, or have struggled with the problems that you are facing in your relationship.

If you look through some of the threads on here, you can click on a posters user name which will take you to their personal page and at the bottom of their page click on users recent posts, in most cases if you go back and read their first post they will have written an explanation as to why they are here.
In most cases you will probably find yourself shaking your head in amazement at how similar we have all been treated.

You are not alone.