I agree and that's what happened in my situation.  Even though my ex-wife walked away, half the house was still hers and I was forced to sell.  I loved that home immensely since that's where my kids grew up and where my parents retired up until their passing (in a cabin on the property).  I dreaded selling! 

But a few years out from getting the home sold, my mindset has completely changed.  It had to be done and I'm thankful for being able to move on.  It was also cathartic to get rid of all the junk we collected over the decades, to narrow things down to what really mattered.  And honestly, you'd be shocked at how little was worth keeping.  I didn't want any of the "stuff" other than some photos and personal items. 

I refused to fight over furniture or stuff like that...why?  It's all easily replacable.  I kept my mom's dining room table set because of sentimental value, but everything else went to the ex, other family, or charity.  I wanted a completely fresh start.

Wow, this is a lot, but it's also in line with behaviors that others have seen too.

I am glad you found a CODA group that is helpful to you. The 12 step programs have been helpful to me as well.

About all these people your wife is telling stories to. Generally, I think women are more likely to share emotional information with other women compared to men, but TMI with aquaintances is not typical. If I'm at a sport event or other public event, and meet someone I'm not close to, and she starts sharing TMI about husbands, marriage- it gets my spidey sense up. I might begin to consider these allegations at first, but when the person keeps on talking it becomes clearer that something is "off" about them. It's an indicator of poor boundaries.

You've got your lawyer, your CODA group and people close to you. If something needs legal defense- like slander- then your lawyer can guide you on that. As to your wife venting to neighbors, people at a game- it's embarrasing but it also makes people uncomfortable. I think people will probably see this in time.

This reminds me of a time many years ago when I invited my grown niece to a restaurant one Sunday after services.  She's single but she only agreed if her parents were included.  Maybe she didn't want them left out, maybe they'd said some bad things about me, I never did figure out why.  It was so awkward and sad at the same time.  There was no incident then but I never invited her again.  Needless to say, I haven't had contact with my brother, who lives close nearby, ever since there he vented about details with my mother's estate a decade ago.  I've concluded that he's been a sourpuss my entire life and a likely PD.  It just is - I can't change it - and I leave it at that.

Frankly, if she is unwilling to change, then she won't change.  Accept that.  You can't fix her.  Only she can choose to want to fix herself, typically that requires she start and apply meaningful therapy over years.

Maybe you're thinking that after a divorce the kids would be alone with her.  Well, you already "leave your kids alone with her" if you leave the residence to go off to work, shopping, etc.  The real question is whether you will strategize and seek as much parenting as possible during and after a divorce.  And that is from the very start, beginning with the court's temp order.  Reality check: Too frequently temp orders tend to morph into final decrees, so do your best to get the best (least bad) initial temp order from the very start.  This is not the time to try to be fair to her.  Courts won't give you credit for being overly fair, just don't be nasty.

Frankly, a house is a lesser concern.  Families, even in divorce, move all the time.  A house is not a home... Home is where you live.  If neither of you can maintain the house separately, then it must be sold and the equity, if any, split.  That's just the reality.

And no, despite what she insists and dictates, you are not required to be magnanimous and pay all her expenses.  Yes, there may be child support (if you don't get more than 50% scheduled parenting time) and short term spousal support or alimony for a couple years (so she can find employment if not already employed and get situated in post-divorce life) but that's about it.

Hi Strawberry,

I think that a pwBPD can't stand to see other people happy, because it's in stark contrast to his own negativity, and it reminds him just how unhappy he is.  Basically, he can't be happy for others when he's feeling inferior, miserable and victimized.  In addition, he's jealous of all the positive attention you'll get from parents and other siblings if you have them.  He can't stand not to be the center of attention, right?  He'll think, all the congratulations, well wishes, presents, visits, etc. should come his way, not yours.  Since you're the same gender as your brother, he can't help but compare himself to you.

Anyway, if your brother has cut off contact with you, I'd say, you go ahead and respect his desire for space.  That's his way of saying that he can't handle the negative feelings that well up when he interacts with you, which probably reminds him of all the ways he feels inferior to you.  Generally my advice on these boards is to consider sending a neutral text or card with a Happy Birthday or Happy Holidays message on those occasions, just to show you haven't forgotten him and you're not excluding him, sort of the way you might send greetings to a distant cousin or a business colleague.  But otherwise, I'd say it's important to respect his desire for space.  My guess is he'll reach out only when he's ready.

Just my two cents.  Congratulations on your growing family.  I'd advise to try not to let your disgruntled brother ruin it for you.  He's going to feel how he's going to feel, and if he has untreated BPD, then his demeanor defaults to negative, and there's nothing you can do about that.

You mentioned a possible divorce and a great resource that may will help you avoid many of the unexpected traps and pitfalls of our sort of protracted divorce is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (updated 2021).

There is so much to add but where to start?  Our thoughts, suggestions and time-tested strategies are many.  Too many to list all at once.  Please browse other posts and you will find many insights and ideas that may fit your needs.  Feel free to continue posting and asking questions.

Often having children together means the divorce will be more complicated with custody and parenting schedule issues.  Now that the children are school age, it makes sense that your spouse should no longer continue as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM).  In all legal stances and paperwork going forward, one theme is that she needs to find employment or a career, if at all possible.

And, of course, in the interim, no more children.

Another thought... If neither parent can afford to assume ownership (pay off the other's equity, new mortgage, real estate taxes, insurance & utility bills) of the house, then likely the only solution is to sell the property and each parent can use their portion of the equity to find their new residences.

However - and this is a big however - she is likely to try to to get interim possession of the home so she can gain perceived leverage to assume primary care of your son in the temp order.  The problem is that temp orders often continue for the entire length of the divorce case and our protracted ?PD cases take a year or two.  At the end the court may default to letting the temp order morph into the final decree, reasoning this seems to have worked.  That is why we encourage our members to strategize and seek the best - or least bad - temp order from the very start.

Your lawyer will of course have answered many of your questions.  But divorce laws vary by state and some things you may not think to ask about.

The only custody aspect would be your shared guardianship of your older child.  Expect the unexpected, most likely allegations of DV (her*) or abuse and/or neglect (children).  Yor documentation can include patterns (over extended time) or incidents (specific claims).  Most courts generally limit specific allegations to the six months prior to separation or filing, anything older being considered moot or legally stale, otherwise you would be expected to have separated or filed sooner.

* Courts view parental adult behavior as somewhat unrelated to parenting ability.  (Almost as though a person can be two people?)  So if your stbEx implies DV or makes such adult relationship allegations, that does not automatically impact you as a parent.  Theoretically.

If your son lives in the house then likely she will of course try to continue living there, claiming she is the "Mother" despite her past history of not being involved as much as you in his care.

In nearly all divorces the children move back and forth between each parent's home.  Can he do that?  Or could he reside in his own semi-independent residence nearby?  I suspect a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) will be assigned to your son.  Be sure your attorney knows that not just any professional will be able to handle such a potentially protracted and high conflict case.  Is your adult daughter trustworthy enough - not influenced by her mother - to relate the facts of her brothers care, etc?


I found it was extraordinarily difficult to come up with a good response in the moment, especially during a distortion campaign.  For this one perhaps it would have been appropriate to comment in a general way, "We're not at that phase in the divorce, likely court will decide those details."  Did you notice?  Whenever possible deflect the blaming elsewhere... lay the "blame" on the glacially slow system, the court or even the lawyers.  After all, the lawyers get paid to be your buffer from such innuendo.

Years ago I posted this which occurred in my county:

Congrats- that is fantastic news!

For your brother, I hate to sound crass but honestly, who cares what he thinks.  Your wife said it best, he will be unhappy no matter what, so let him be unhappy by himself.  Don't let it ruin a second of your day.

Truthfully he found out the perfect way- he heard it from someone else, melted down, and you weren't directly involved at all.  That's great!  Your mom probably took some abuse over the news but that was inevitable no matter how the news was delivered.  Either she stands her ground or she doesn't...that's her choice.  That's not directly your problem either though.

I'm so sorry, that's not the update any of us wanted to see.  Yet, it's not unespected either.  You're weathering the storm and she's on full tilt mentally.  It has to play out...or you have to reconcile and stay married.  Keep walking the path you're on and let her have her moments.

The goal is the finish line and that's still a ways off- remember the finish line!