NotWendy,

I don’t feel unsafe.  I also don’t believe this rises to the level of DV.  I just think I should be mindful that it’s new behavior, and I’m not sure what might come next.  But he did not strike me, and he didn’t swat with force.

I am unable to gauge his dementia.  He hides things from his doctors, but a brain scan did show signs of dementia. 

Needless to say, I’m sick and tired of him.  I just want to live out the rest of my years in peace.  I don’t have the energy for his arguing and negativity.  I ignore him most of the time.  I walk away when I don’t like what he’s saying.  I’m almost 80 years old, and he is an elder too, although a few years younger than me. 

I’m just trying to live my life as normally and as joyful as I can, with friends, family, and activities that don’t include him.

Thanks so much.  I appreciate everything you wrote.

If you feel unsafe- that is most important. When I posted that it would be hard to determine how violent your H is from the phone swatting, I was looking at this as - would this be evidence for medical intervention? If he were younger, and in sound mind, then would this be a DV case?

If your H is continuing to mentally decline and is a danger to you or himself- then he'd have to be evaluated and may need to be considered for memory care.

Since you are staying with him, the option for your safety is to be alert to his moods and avoid conflict if possible. This isn't to blame you- it's not your fault. It's that if he's got some age related cognitive issues, he could also be more irritable.

Your feelings are most important here.

Though I seem to be the only one who will say this.. I say a definite 'Yes'.  It's physical contact and it requires force - however much or little he used - to knock your phone away and I would not accept that at all. We all expect verbal abuse from a BPD but when physical, striking actions occur, this isn't acceptable - and you say yourself that it was 'very scary'.

You also say that you've 'learned a lesson', like you did something bad. You don't need to learn lessons; he does and needs to know there will be consequences if he raises hands to you in any way.

Just my thoughts. It's only a small step up from striking something you're holding to striking you, especially if he knows you'll put up with it.  I ended my own BPD relationship because on her final outburst she was very close to getting physical for the first time and I could see it developing.

Take care of yourself.

CC43,

I agree with you 100%. Perhaps I was overreacting.  Also, he  can dish it out, but he can’t take it. It’s irritating beyond belief.  I’ve lost my cool more than once, because like you, I am human.

I think I need to just continue my self-care journey, and stay as detached from him as possible.

Thanks.

Jazz

Mutt,

It was very scary indeed.  Never again will I brandish a camera in front of him.  I’ve learned my lesson.

Thanks.

Jazz

SuperDaddy,

I’m sure he felt attacked. If I really need to video or photograph him for my own safety, I shouldn’t broadcast it.  I’m going to file this under “Lessons Learned,” and move on from it.

Thank you. 

Jazz

POOK075,

I agree with you.   No need to do something to rile him up, for no important reason.

Thanks. 

Jazz

Hi SD, thanks for your care in responding to my posts. That's been a kindness for sure. I really appreciate what you said about grief and relief existing together; I definitely feel that.

When I moved to her home country, I did have a notion in the back of my mind that it might not work out, and the reason would be because of our relationship. I cried a lot at the airport in part because I knew this. I did agree to leave the US for some of my own reasons, but it was largely her push because she felt strongly that the country was becoming unsafe for her (there is a lot of truth to this). So I left America, but I don't have citizenship in here, and I'm clearly floundering. I didn't think it would be this hard - I hoped it would be an opportunity, but it's not quite playing out that way yet. A lot of the economic problems that plague the US also exist here, and on top of that, I'm an immigrant with lesser language/social know-how now. So the fallout of our relationship may lead to a lot of other cookies crumbling, and I would need to accept/anticipate that.

I was definitely depressed before I met her (I've been depressed as long as I can remember, and have gone to therapy on and off for my entire adult life). New layers of severe withdrawal, emotional exhaustion, and nervous breakdowns have entered the picture over the years of our relationship. I don't ever remember feeling as anguished in my life as I have in this relationship. It's been intense, as I'm sure you've felt too. One thing that I'm trying to accept is that my mental health/general makeup as a human is a factor in wanting and needing to leave, and that's just how it is for me.

Look at her pattern from another angle... Could it be that she abandons relationships before they can abandon her?  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) seem to quickly notice subtle changes in the other person.

Naruto, thank you so much for sharing your experiences in such a clear, detailed and informative way. Reading what you have written is helping me a lot with my own processing from the situation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3061787.0

A few key quotes I have related to:

"Right now I still feel so foggy and terrible, and confused." 

"all of her actions and narrative warping etc. I think the common theme is just whatever helps her cope."

"Was confused, both by this betrayal and their DARVO response"

"All these claims are CRAZY, and I have to ground myself. They are legit just projection."

"This person has mental health issues and the patterns in the past indicate that it has a detrimental affect on your perception of self and reality. Her delusions are just that, and detached from reality to conform to feelings. You have to stay grounded in the pain, it's not okay, you don't have to be involved any more."

"I don't feel any more doubt, though I do grieve everything I went through.
I do grieve the lost fantasy of what the relationship could have been, but I know for sure now it is not for me."

"The lack of closure or 'justice' is annoying and continues to frustrate, given the shared spaces and people. The false narratives are annoying. Time helps care less."

"- If you are suffering in similar ways: de-tach and leave. Your time is so so precious and it is so so finite. Life will not end when you leave, it will begin."

It's really lovely to see you continue to heal and track your progress over time through these posts. I hope I do the same!