Notwendy,
thanks for explaining the other groups. I will do a little research on them at some point. I have attended Alanon Adult Children meetings.
I agree my son has his own reasons regarding Kaiser. I realize that I need to step back for myself and him. I have let his pain, reactions, choices.... consume me.

Hello all first time here- a bit of background: I’m a semi retired emergency physician in New Zealand happily married for many years 2 adult children daughter and son. we’ve had our ups and downs as we all do but all minor and we are a strong stable family of more introvert type of people
My son met his partner a few years ago and they have been together since not long after.
She divulged she was going to counselling and later stated she had BPD - formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist in the mental health team she also has an additional diagnosis.
She has engaged in therapy and I thought she was going okay
A bit quirky and garrulous and nervous with new people- but that’s no biggie
She painted her mother as a very nasty controlling person who is an alcoholic. And consequently we’ve only met her parents on a couple of occasions her mother appears to be fairly strong minded but not not an unpleasant person. She fell pregnant last year and we were over the moon to be anticipating our first grandchild. Everything seemed to be fine and we have been nothing but welcoming and kind to her indeed my wife has helped her out and treated her as a daughter.

Our granddaughter arrived and everything seemed to be initially fine however on the first night in their new home my wife was there helping out and my son‘s partner started to decompensate. When she was finished feeding and the baby was going to be put down with my son and wife’s help she accused them of wanting to steal the baby and she did not want to sleep as a consequence of that this culminated in her calling her mother to come over and my son and my wife resorted to sleeping downstairs as their presence was winding her up. My wife arrived home the next morning very upset saying it was absolutely terrible the next week was a whirlwind essentially she got worse turning on her mother mother saying that she was evil turning on us saying that we were playing her son off against her in poisoning his mind she got friends and who she then termed as her family who started to enable her by believing her stories about us. It all came to head went through lack of sleep she went into a manic state requiring a compulsory treatment order under the mental health act they stayed in place for about five days in for the past week my son has been treating water and her parents especially her mother has been a fantastic help to her which makes me seriously doubt that all we have been told about her is untrue. We have been shut out in the cold we have not seen our granddaughter for the past two weeks. They’re seeing a therapist soon both my son and his partner and then the partner with her mother. A transpires speaking to the midwife that she has been telling stories about us which have been completely untrue due to patient confidentiality we don’t know the substance of these but the implication from the midwife is that they were not very nice - she also has exhibited splitting against her midwife having sacked her and intends to complain about her and other staff members at the hospital.. My son has the insight and his read up about BPD and given her instability and telling stories about us behind our back  he is not falling for her attempts to manipulate him against us and alienating us
He is intending to leave her and will be looking at doing a coparenting and  dividing up the relationship property  which they’ve only bought recently. This  is an absolute mess it’s our worst nightmare when it really should be one of the happiest times of our lives. We have told our son that it is really his decision what what he does in this situation and we will support him no matter what his choice however as coldhearted as it may seem my inclination would be to run.

My main concern is my son‘s mental health but also that about granddaughter I can’t see any fantastic option here but the unpredictability of living with such a person and the emotional rollercoaster they would put both my son and our granddaughter through would be tremendously destructive. For our part we have been very hurt and confused by this and it is taking a lot of time to get our heads around it. My son seems to be doing a very good job of sitting boundaries and he is currently sleeping in a separate bed downstairs in the house he has seen a lawyer and is getting all his ducks in a row in the likelihood that he will be leaving the relationship. It is made life very complicated that there is a baby involved who is an innocent party to all of this. The daughter-in-law now apparently we have heard through the grapevine has been on social media is starting to window dress her life with the new arrival

She seems to be settling down and almost behaving as if nothing has happened. She has however made no attempts to contact us or talk to us and at the moment we feel very hurt and angry but we feel supporting our son but distancing ourselves from her is the best option at the moment

Sorry for venting everybody but this has been an absolutely terrible rollercoaster to hell for us I would welcome anybody else’s perspective on this perhaps somebody has been an exactly the same situation we are in.

Looking through the forum they seem to be many accounts of manipulated behaviour using grandchildren as pawns in the game that they play we are very keen to avoid this if at all possible welcome your thoughts thank you to all

Hi Anonymous22,

I really empathize with your situation and can very much relate.

Having said that, I hope you won't be irritated by my suggestion. I personally would just always assume that your husband will not follow through with any agreements, and not even make them in the first place. I think that will create the least amount of stress and drama for you. If he helps out and follows through with plans, great. If not, you will not be relying on him and you won't have to rearrange things last minute. I know this is not a "normal" marriage partnership by a long shot, and it is unfair, but personally, I have found it to be the most practical and least frustrating way to live. I look at taking care of our children as a joy and a privilege, and I feel sorry for my husband that he is not mentally well enough to join me in this venture.

For me, what is the hardest is not so much relying on him to help out, as I don't rely on him at all, but having him not follow through with commitments that involve his attendance. He missed our son's third birthday, which is a big milestone in our culture, he has not shown up at family weddings, you get the idea. This is something I haven't found a solution for except to realize that I literally cannot rely on him for anything or to be there for any event. But I can't say I have not been very disappointed and embarrassed at times. BPD is truly an awful disorder....

Hello. This is my first time in the group. I have a spouse with BPD, we are now separated, and the journey has been exhausting. It is great to have a space to interact with others in a similar situation. The best part of learning about BPD and having resources such as this site is learning that I am not a bad person, and that feeling that way often is a reaction to her disorder.

Yes, you have experience with the concept. While you did Alanon because of your relationship with your former H, and all 12 step groups have the same basic format- some have a different focus. CODA is on enabling in general. ACA goes into family of origin to look at learned behaviors and make changes now. You might want to see what these groups are like for you.

One idea of why your son resists the Kaiser groups is that there's accountabilty with the leader and others in the group, but these are good things. My BPD mother had a wonderful doctor but at one point got angry- perhaps he had boundaries, and then tried another doctor- and that one had boundaries too. So she went back to him. I think all along she knew he was a good doctor.

Kaiser is one of the earliest managed care models,  but now, almost all health care is managed care. From the people I know who are with Kaiser- I see that their health care needs are pretty well covered, even if some options are group options. That your son won't go may not be about Kaiser but his own reasons.

Hey Mom!

It's so hard at first, we want our kids in our lives and it's devestating when they're not.  I went through that a few years back with my non-BPD daughter and it's just as painful.  The difference is that my kid just needed some time and we were able to reconnect naturally.

With my BPD daughter, it's always a very different process.  She explodes, tells me off, disappears for days/weeks and then texts me for gas money out of nowhere.  Then I don't hear from her for six months.

I've realized over the years that these two relationships are certainly not equal.  One is a genuine father/daughter relationship and the other is me catering to the endless needs of my mentally ill daughter.  Either I do what she wants, when she wants or eventually there's serious conflict...and that's not a relationship.  So I stopped fighting for that many years ago.

While I love both my daughters equally, I refuse to fight to be involved with someone who treats me badly.  And by doing that, our relationship has actually improved quite a bit.  I rarely help financially anymore and she rarely asks.  While it's sad, I think it's the best possible option when looking at all the potential choices.  When we do talk, we get along well because I'm not longer in her inner orbit.

For your guilt, I'd say that it is not yours to carry.  You didn't create this situation and you didn't cut your daughter off.  She made adult choices and she's living by those adult choices.  Let her.  That's not a you-thing at all.

Hi Mom,

Many parents here are wracked with guilt, even if they did their absolute best with their children.  I think it's OK to sit with that feeling, but please don't beat yourself up too much.  You probably did your best, but things didn't go as you hoped.  Maybe there were a few things you regret, and hey, that's completely normal, because you're human, not perfect!  I hope you give yourself a little grace.  Why not start by forgiving yourself?

And how about this:  why don't you forgive your daughter for making you feel so miserable?  She's an adult, you did everything in your power to prepare her for the world, and now she's out there.  She needs to find her way, and if that means she cuts of contact with you for a while, so be it.  My guess is that she feels like she's a failure, and she doesn't want to feel the pressure of harsh judgment from you, even if it's entirely imagined.  By keeping her distance, she's avoiding feelings of inferiority, shame and guilt.  That could be why she's extemely jealous of any attention you give to your stepchild--because she thinks the stepchild has "upstaged" and "usurped" her, becoming the "good" child while she's the "evil" one.  The thing is, with BPD, she sees everything in black and white, and she takes everything like a personal affront.  Rather than deal with the truth--she acted in a mean way, she's not doing the work she should be doing, she's lazy/selfish/petulant/irritable/hostile--what she does is weave a victim narrative.  That flips the script and makes everyone else--especially you--the reason for all her troubles.  But here's the thing.  I think she needs some separation from you to realize that you can't possibly be the cause of all her problems.  Because if she's flailing and fighting all the time, when you're not even around, then maybe she'll come to the realization, hey, it's not mom, it's me.  I need to get help because I can't take this anymore, and I can't just blame mom.  Blaming mom (e.g. a terrible, abusive childhood, a childhood memory from over a decade ago) stops "working" for her.  The sooner this realization happens, the better in my opinion.

In the meantime, my advice is, you need to model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That means taking care of yourself, your health and finances, doing fun things and enjoying your homelife.  That means letting go of things you can't control, like your BPD daughter's feelings.  That means giving yourself some grace, accepting that things aren't perfect, but that you did the best you could with what you had at the time.  And then when your dear daughter contacts you again, you'll be in a calm, healthy, happy place.

Helpful to hear and thank you for the guidance

  Hello all, this is my first post. I wish I had found this community sooner! My adult daughter (diagnosed twice by two different docs) lives in a different city and we were together last week for a family trip. The last three trips have included massive blowouts/meltdowns and this was no exception. She wanted me to admit to spanking her regularly as a child (I did not). We were able to get past this and when I returned home I ordered a copy of The Essential Family Guide to BPD through our family Amazon account. For that she really lost it and has since told her siblings she's going no contact with me. I should also note that my youngest is graduating high school in a couple of weeks and believe this is a strong motivational factor for this extreme behavior. I am not sure how she'll actually follow through with this, but it's really stressing out my younger kid who is having to step in as something of a replacement for me in the relationship. Not to mention it's ruining what is supposed to be a happy occasion, which is usually the case for us with the older kid. Any advice is welcome. I've done my best to validate her feelings and leave the door open, also offered to do counseling together. The problem is she's never wrong and therapy never works (her belief, not mine).

So I am fairly new here and have only posted a couple of times but everyone's feedback and experiences really helped me. I have the feeling of so much guilt lately, my 22 year old daughter has BPD and she has cut me out of her life about 3 months ago. I live with my fiance and he has an 18 year old daughter who absolutely adores me and she no longer has a relationship with her mother and considers me more of a mother. The thing is I get this feeling in my stomach whenever we are doing something and I can't enjoy myself because I feel guilty like I am replacing my daughter. My daughter used to get along really well with my fiances kids in the beginning but now has no use for them. I am always blaming myself for my daughter and always going through of what I could have done differently. 
My step daughter has asked me if I would like to go out shopping for a girls day sometime and I instantly had knots in my stomach from the guilt. I just don't know how to work through this I love my daughter so much and I wish I could go back and do something different for her...what I have no idea. I have a son as well who is 20 years old and we have an amazing relationship, I just don't know how 2 kids raised the same can be so different.
This guilt is going to put me over the edge, I cry almost every day thinking of how she must feel thinking I have let her down. I am willing to try anything to work through this guilt.