The main issue that caused the estrangement was getting remarried. I have three adult children from my first marriage. Two of the three have accepted that I remarried. My BPD daughter has never accepted it.

For many years after remarriage she was willing to have a relationship with me as long as I did not mention my wife or her children. My current wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and  ended up getting a lumpectomy, radiation, and hormone therapy. She finished the treatments and appeared to be cancer free. Halfway through her treatment my BPD daughter stated she wished my wife had died… needless to say, our relationship suffered.

Four years ago, my therapist suggested that I write a letter to let her know I was willing to have a relationship but it would need to include recognition that I have a wife and would include her and her family in conversations when appropriate.

She took that as an ultimatum and ended our relationship (in a very ugly way).

I tried to continue sending birthday and holiday cards to my grandson (her child) for about six months and she informed me that he was not getting the cards because she was throwing them away and to stop sending cards.

About two years ago, my wife’s cancer returned and she ended up having a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy, and is currently on hormone therapy for another two or three years. I have not shared this with my BPD daughter (although I’m sure she knows) because her original desire for my wife to die still hurts deeply).

Despite the hurt, I recently reached out to her to let her know I was visiting her siblings and would like to see her and her son. She never responded but told her mother (my ex wife) that she had no desire to see me.

Hopefully this information answers the questions.asked.

I hope this helps you in some way: we are retired, but elderly now although I'm older than he by 5-1/2 yrs.

There's a way I've found to live with dbpdh as I'm unable to leave due to a trade-off I've made in my mind to avoid assisted living nor moving 1,000 miles away to my son's house. Incidentally, my son is mostly unaware-- he does see an impatient and very self-important father, but expresses concern for both of us as if he's had a good role model-- in regards to work ethic, yes, which my son has said. But, I've always been ready with a lie, too, like you.

If you can see yourself as emotionally separate from what you see every day, it helps. When h wants to act as if nothing happened and puts the ball in my court so to speak, I say things are not okay, without elaborating. "They just aren't." He can leave if he wants to, but I resist saying that. His mood will change anyway and this is not news to him.

The fear of abandonment you have is probably compounded by the way you're treated. Dbpdh had 10 yrs of therapy and was told to stop devaluing me, to no avail. I think both our therapists meant that him not giving me any credit was irrelevant. You deserve to feel good about the things you control that turn out well.

To feel better about myself, I go back in my mind to the last address I had on my own and what kind of person I was at that time when I wasn't afraid and saw myself managing uncertainty. It is still possible for you. If you need to protect your emotional health above the fear of abandonment, you can consider easer ways to live for yourself. The therapist I had for 4 yrs said to look at what you've already been through.

It is possible to let everyone think what they want to about you; you're very unhappy, and others will care even if they don't understand at first. As I was advised on this forum to realize adult children have been through things, and they don't need details. I still believe that advice, just in case, and you have the right to think about your own future. Sixty sounds young to me now.

dang, I said that too when I was 'controlling, insecure, emotionally/verbally abusive, toxic.'

If I am truly all of these things and my actions hurt you so badly, why are you with me because no one deserves that.

If someone could be all those things, that would be impressive.

Not  that you're looking for a fight or to escalate, but when I would start getting the laundry list of all the ways I'm a bad person, I'd throw that back at her and say "Why are you still here then?"

Hi there,

There's a lot going on in your post--a lifetime together--but what stands out to me is the stressful change of retirement.  You might wonder, why is retirement stressful, when it's supposed to be the opposite?  Well, any change in routine is stressful.  It may be that your wife has always been angry and highly critical--but you weren't around most of the day to bear the brunt of it.  Now that you're encroaching on her space and time, she has more opportunities to unleash her negative thoughts onto you.  And she might feel empty, without much purpose, lacking an identity, now that the kids have left the home.  YOU have become her entire focus, and her mission is to make YOU responsible for her unhappiness, because she doesn't understand that she has to be the one to choose happiness every day.  Indeed money issues come to the fore; after all, there's not as much money coming in, and maybe your wife feels unable to spend as freely as she wants.  Sure, it's normal to penny-pinch when starting out; most people start adulthood with debts, not piles of cash to swim in.  That your wife paints that as financial "abuse" is probably because she doesn't appreciate how darn hard it is to earn income and save for the long term.  The nature of BPD is to be intolerant of discomfort, to be impulsive, to want her needs met right NOW, darn it.  If she really wanted more money, what's stopping her from picking up some part-time work, such as dog walking or babysitting?  Another characteristic of BPD is to re-write history, generally in a negative light.  What's more, the reinterpretation of history always makes her out to be the victim.  That way, she blames others for her problems and avoids taking responsibility.  Does that sound about right?  That's classic BPD in my experience.

Another thing to consider is that she might be experiencing adverse effects of hormonal changes.  Menopause can be tough on some women, and maybe in ways that aren't the obvious ones.  The thyroid can slow down, leading to general sluggishness and feeling glum.  For me it comes with irritatingly itchy skin . . . an ongoing nuisance that disrupts sleep and can make me cranky at times, because of the relentlessness discomfort on some days.  I guess I'd ask if your wife has had a full check-up and blood panels done, to rule out physical ailments.  Oftentimes there are treatments, lifestyle remedies and supplments that can make a real difference.  Feeling better physically can lead to feeling better mentally.

Look, a common BPD trait is to project ill feelings onto the person who is closest to them.  Accusing you of being a narcissist, abuser, womanizer, mentally deranged or other mean things is extremely typical.  Sure, she might dredge up supposed "evidence" of your wrongs, but is the evidence highly distorted, or patently false?  My guess is that it is.  I guess my advice is not to take such accusations personally.  Sometimes the pwBPD in my life will make accusations that are so incredibly distorted that I have to suppress a laugh . . . it feels like she's calling me a poo-poo face, and that's the best she can come up with.  Once you see her accusations for what they are (projections most of the time), it's easier not to take them personally or doubt yourself so much.  If she were complaining about something real and valid, it would be easier to tackle it, right?

I understand that this is really tough on you.  Having a dysregulated spouse at home all day isn't fun.  Do you have go-to strategies for self-care?  I think it helps to have a "menu" of self-care options.  For me, sometimes that's as simple as a walk, a quick errand or a visit to the library, just to get me some space, and give my loved one some space and time to calm down.

Hi GrayJay,

She is not afraid that you will cheat. In the past, maybe she was, but not now that you've retired. All of those accusations are fabrications of her unconscious mind to create a dramatic scenario and put herself in an "emergency situation", because this is how she gets the reward from her endogenous opioids. This is a self-destructive behavior, but it is uncontrollable and unconscious.

She will not move out nor tell you to move out. Unless you start to threaten her to move out, then she will echo that. But that echoing will be criticism, not an actual request. The reality is that she doesn't want you to leave, because you are her source of "relief." Research has found that pwBPD have a very low baseline tone of endogenous opioids (which is painful), but they also get an exaggerated tone when under stress (which causes relief and is rewarding). So she needs to create some stress with you to feel better.

Reference: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6863154/

In this video, why do you think Andrew felt relief when waiting for the train to run over him? He could see his shadow, so he was backwards to the train but didn't worry. All of them, Andrew, Kyra, and Christina, describe that they get relief when they are cutting themselves (see 17:15).

The problem is that this opioid-seeking behavior can become addictive, especially in intimate relationships, especially when you are 24/7 with that person, and it gets even worse if you are codependent. It gets to a point in which the pwBPD will create the stressful situation just for the reward, when they don't actually need any relief. Since you retired, your wife has begun to develop this addiction, slowly. It's like a smoker who gradually increases the number of nicotine receptors in their brain. The more months and years go by, the harder it is for the smoker to quit smoking. In that same video at 13:28, why do you think Christina was obsessed about telling everyone that she should be able to use the markers on the papers?

In my case, the only solution was to have a "Living Apart Together" relationship. And I'm hoping that medication and therapy will resolve the problem. If you aren't ready to do that, then you can gradually start to spend more and more time out of home, but when you get back it will be tough and you'll be accused of cheating anyway. Is there any job you can take?

This. My brother laughs at me when the suggestion I have autism is brought up and he absolutely shuts that down. He does however dismiss my concerns my ex has bpd as nonsense and she is just mental. My eldest son did mention it a couple of nights ago though and said he doesn’t think I am autistic.

I always felt different but that may just be my introverted nature. Certainly nothing that impacts my day to day life. But my ex used to mention it, and did so one time at a family dinner where her mother turned round and said yeh I know or something similar. Bear in mind my ex’s mother has never told her kids she loves them, and never cuddled them or showed any affection. Her mother (ex’s grandmother) also was sectioned under mental health several times and conflict and lack of love has been passed down from generation to generation. More likely than not projection.

Regarding the ASD diagnosis - be careful here.  My bpdW makes that claim about me, too, when she is dysregulated.  It’s a form of projection and putting the blame on you for communication issues.  I’ve brought up my potential ASD with 3 therapists who all laughed me put of the room, telling me that pain for an evaluation was a guaranteed waste of money.  We then discussed the behaviors W claims are ASD, and concluded that these behaviors are most present when dealing with bpdW and are most likely trauma related and/or coping mechanisms. In other words, “not communicating clearly” only happens when dealing with her and stems from an intense fear of saying the wrong thing.  It’s not because I don’t see social cues.

Hi,

It's great you feel that way.  I guess my tip would be to express those feelings when your man is in a better place--when he's not fighting, antagonizing or insulting you.  I think what I would do is try to put a positive spin on things--"I'm so glad to see you today, I enjoy being with you and sharing dinner together with the kids . . ."  In other words, make it less about your sadness when he's absent/down (because he might feed off of that, try to "one up" you or feel blamed), and make it more about love and togetherness.  Anyway that's my general approach.  I don't think my man would want to hear about any negative feelings I have because he thinks that's complaining or blaming.  When he hears complaints from me, I think he internalizes them too much and starts to take on those negative emotions, which he doesn't want.  He'll say this generally:  "I don't want to hear about your work/struggles/problems, it's too upsetting."  So I'm generally careful about not creating unnecessary negativity.  Alas, sometimes it's difficult to pull him out of a funk, because he can be inflexible--he only wants to do what he wants and when he wants.  If I make suggestions (dinner out / going for a walk / doing something fun), he'll generally say NO (whereas I'm the opposite, I generally say YES to doing things together, even if I don't love the actual thing we're doing).  But I've learned to make invitations this way:  "I'm going for a walk and you're welcome to join me if you like, but no pressure."  That way he feels "included" even when he declines, which is 99% of the time.

Believe me....I sympathize....our dog (who WAS my pwBPD's dog! that she left behind) passed away this Tuesday; my husband texted her; she NEVER responded; I, again, try to wrap my brain around this....as a group, I ponder, is it truly possible, to have ZERO emotion, to ANY situation? I am befuddled....THIS started with her issue with me; it has taken 3 years (and heavy therapy) to accept that, however, I am feeling a sense of complete helplessness over any future repair; I do not pretend to understand BPD....but, can it take over EVERYthing? My daughter works at a daycare, teaches toddler dance classes yet shunned her young nieces and her DOG, it just seems to stretch further than the obvious