The concept of "let's always be friends" is impractical when ending a relationship where BPD traits are a major factor.  That's been our experience here.  Yes, some contact may be required until the shared financial and other matters are addressed.  Take full advantage of the legal process to wrap up everything such as deeds, titles, accounts, debts, etc.  Family court is there to referee all the issues, though it is often a reluctant and passive referee.  Of course, if there are children together then that too would require continued future interaction.

If we have separated and the conflict has lessened, that does not mean the person has recovered from their BPD traits simply due to the distance apart.  Get back together and a resumption of the push-pull patterns are a real risk.

A desire for Closure is no doubt strong with us but we cannot expect it from the disordered ex.  So we may have to Gift ourselves the closure we need.

Yes, that's pretty much how mine went. Year 1 was the golden year, year 2 was preparing for a wedding so I think he managed to hold it together for this year, year 3 things started to show up and progress, year 4 - oh s*%t I need to get out of this.

I don't think I can go total no contact. We are still married so will need to keep things fairly reasonable to ensure that goes as smoothly as possible.

Maybe not a total exit. I have money coming in that my wife does not know about. I have a date to move out when she is at a conference. I will try to get an apartment as soon as the check clears, and hopefully I can make it all work. I do have a separate bank account that she does not know about. She does not know about my plan to move out.

My "plan" is to tell her that it is a separation, not a divorce. And to see a marriage counselor and see if things can get repaired, though I think odds are quite low. If they do not work out, I hope that it will smooth the transition.

I will also be talking with a high-conflict attorney this week (again, when the check clears).

How often can things actually get repaired?

My plan after moving out was to be home when she got here and tell her. I was going to have a friend drive me and be ready to drive me away. Am I still being too nice? What if I just called her on the phone as she was driving home? I think being there in-person is the right way to do it, but bottom line is that I do not want to do it.

I have been hurt so many times that when I try to talk with her about any problems, my mouth opens but nothing come out. I agree with my therapist that this is keeping me safe. But what is the right thing to do? Of course, I am not even sure that I will be able to talk if I get her on the phone.

I am hoping that if she agrees to the therapist, that I will be able to tell the therapist about the problems with her there. I have tried to tell her about her trauma problems a number of times, and she has not been able to hear it.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

To answer your question, YES.  It's so common that I could argue it could be one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.  In a nutshell, it's projection.  In essence, your pwBPD is ruminating and worrying so much about her perceived flaws that they are always top-of-mind, and whenever she's upset, these thoughts emerge as projection onto you.  She might project a mix of anger, fear, insecurity and/or blaming, depending on the situation.  You can be certain it's projection when what she says about you is ridiculous and completely overblown.  Like, "You're a lazy piece of s* who will never amount to anything, you're a horrible partner, you're psycho, you should be euthanized," when reality is, you work hard, you make good money, you take care of practically everything in the household, and you've gone above and beyond to take care of your partner.  The other reality?  Her words are really code for:  I don't pull my weight, I'm a lousy partner, I'm mentally unstable, he's going to break up with me, I can't take this anymore, I'm thinking of killing myself, only death would put me out of my misery.  She's ruminating about these thoughts so much that they are eating her alive.  Since these feelings are too painful to bear, she needs an outlet for them, namely YOU.  In the process, she blames you for "making" her feel this way.  PwBPD have a victim mindset, and so they believe that other people cause all their ill feelings.  In addition, she might try to "punish" you, and inflict pain, so that you have a glimpse of how horrible she feels.  That's her maladjusted way of coping with life.

Now, I'm not implying you're perfect, because nobody is perfect.  If someone is yelling at you and making accusations, what you might try is some silent fact-checking.  Is this a valid complaint?  Did you really do what they said you did?  Or is the accuser jealous, insecure or under duress, using you as a punching bag, trying to exert control, trying to extract concessions, arguing unfairly?  Are they merely projecting their own fears onto you?

I'm not going to lie, some pwBPD are smart and can figure out how to push your buttons.  They rely on the FOG--your sense of Fear, Obligation and Guilt--to cloud your judgment.  They might make insults or accusations that exploit a weakness or a gray area.  But having said that, I think that once you understand projection, it's easier not to take everything to heart.  Oftentimes, she seems unhinged.  That's just the way she is, and it has little to do with you.  You just happened to be the one closest to her, and so you're her punching bag.  Does that make sense?

Be prepared for more of this. A term used on the site is 'pinging', like a submarine sending out a burst of sonar to see if anything comes back. The estranged BPD sends out seemingly casual messages to check that you're still there and if you reply in any way then in his mind you're still interested.

You might see these pings as indication he cares and maybe has even changed but it's important to realise that BPD's fear being alone and these pings are just to reassure himself that there is someone out there - not specifically you just 'someone' who is still interested. Don't start seeing things that aren't there, no matter how hopeful you are.

If you have the solid resolve, then full no-contact is the way to go as any reponse you send him will be taken as you still being interested - doesn't matter what you actually write, the fact you responded is all he needs, His imagination does the rest.

Do you feel able to break totally or would you want some form of continuing contact with him? It's very easy to feel some guilt about ending things - even if we know we had absolutely no choice - but this is the stage where you really need to harden your heart and think of your future and only your future.

I've also noticed that 4 years seems to be a 'set' time for BPD relationships - or maybe it's just the time it takes for many of us to finally accept we'll never get what we need and want from our partner, no matter how hard we try.

Looking back, I'd consider the first year to be the year they have the strongest hold over us, as we all remember how intense it was at the start.

Years two and three I'd class as the 'perservering years' where you now know there is a huge problem in the relationship but still want to continue in the hope a magical change will happen. I think this is the worst period.

Year four was when you realised no change was ever coming and this 'love/hate' dynamic is now all you can expect and It may even be getting worse. Time for a hard choice to be made.

Just the way I saw things at the time.

Thank you so much for your reply. It was just what I needed to read yesterday. He did message in the evening yesterday 'I don't know what to say so ... hi' and I replied keeping it emotionless and factual.

In the 4,5 years we lived together for maybe six weeks, then that failed as she couldn’t stand how being with me made her feel. She was suffering what I now know is disassociation…she explained it as feeling out of her body, observing, floating and wanting to get away from me. Her feelings told her I wasn’t right. She picked fights continually , criticising and judging me. We have spent a lot of time …months and months not seeing it talking to each other the on and off over the remaking time. The most she could stay with me was there to four nights max. Then find a reason to run away. So my 4.5 years is really not long at all together but we are still connected. I’m currently a blockee so I guess I’m an ex.

It really comes down to perception when your partner is in heightened emotional states.  A lot of what they say is reactionary to how they feel, so it's not based on fact.

For instance, if I tell you that the sun looks purple today, but you say it's clearly yellow/white.

But what if the sun actually does look purple due to my sunglasses, or maybe I have an eye condition or color blindness.  I state "my truth" because it really does look purple, but you respond with a tone in your voice that suggests I'm a complete idiot for saying/thinking that.  Chances are pretty good that my response to you won't be calm and level-headed.

For BPDs, this is true a lot more often.  What they perceive as "their truth" is reactionary to their feelings.  If you say she can't commit, it might really hurt her and feel like rejection, so her response is that you're the one not committing.  For her, it's 100% true because she might not be able to fully process and understand how she hurt you to begin with.  So she sees it as passive agressive behavior meant to put her down.

For instance, I remember one of the last "arguments" with my BPD ex-wife.  She said vile things to me intentionally to hurt me a few days after we separated.  Long story short, she left for a week, came home for a day, then said, "I can't think of a single reason I would want to be with you anymore."  It was obvious she was disassociating, and as she packed her bags I started to weep.  I mean, really really cry.  It came out of nowhere.  And she seemed shocked. 

I walked away from her though and told her to get her things together and leave since that's what she wanted.  But I kept getting more and more upset, I probably had a panic attack because I started to hyperventilate a little bit.  I just lost it.  Then she walked into the room I was in, sat down for maybe 30 seconds, and said, "I could stay and be a good person, or I can leave and be a total b-word."  After a slight pause, "Yeah, I guess I'll be a b-word."  And she walked out.  I was in total shock- that wasn't my wife of 24 years.  I didn't even recognize her anymore.

The next day I told her that she was being mean and abusive the night before, and from that moment on she began telling everyone she knew that I "was mentally abusive and there's no way she could ever come back to that."

Was it true?  Sure, from her viewpoint it absolutely was.  From an outsiders perspective, she was an absolute monster- but that doesn't necessarily matter because I didn't tell anyone about it- how could I and still fight for my marriage?  She was highly disordered at that point and she stuck with that warped narrative for another year or so while she had an affair.

It really really stinks, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Many of us have been in very similar situations though and we survived it.