Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this mess and hopefully we can find a few words of wisdom to help you through this.

The BPDs in my life are an ex-wife and a daughter, but in hindsight I always suspected my mom as well since she would explode over the tiniest things.  And I realized that even though she wasn't diagnosed, the principles you'll learn here work whether someone has BPD or not.  So let's talk through a few of those.

First, someone with BPD has trouble with boundaries- like your mom blaming things on you and then wanting to be best friends the next day.  That's not how life works, and you need to start making that clear.  If she berates you on the phone, tell her she's being unfair and explain that you have to go and will talk to her another time.  You don't have to be mean about it either- it just has to be consistent.

For instance, she calls and starts ranting about your childhood, maybe give her one warning...mom, I don't want to talk about this.  If she continues, tell her that you're not having that conversation and you have to hang up.  That's a boundary and it's so critical to deliver it in a very predictable way every single time.

Now, your mom doesn't like boundaries, so she will not respect your wishes (at least at first).  She'll call, text, and email with suicide threats, because when she does that, you come running to give her the attention that she needs.  So that brings us to boundary #2, if mom says "suicide", you dial 9-1-1 and have her taken off in an ambulance.

Again, you do this each and every time in a very predictable way.  You scream, I'm getting off the phone.  You threaten suicide, then I'm sending emergency response.

Your mom will try to blame you and make this all about you- but go back to boundary #1.  You're not doing that anymore.  You can explain to her though that you're only reacting to her behavior and you've made your intentions very well known.  You want a relationship with her but it has to be reciprocal.  All the decisions are hers to make- be nice and have a relationship, or be ugly and have no relationship.

Again, I'm so sorry you're in this position and so many here can relate since it's very similar behavior patterns.  You mentioned until you were mid-20's, all your mom's venom went to your dad.  A better way to say that is she's needed someone to blame her entire life in order to remain a victim.  You left, just like your dad left, and you got the same amount of blame for putting yourself first.

Please continue to share and ask questions.  Hopefully this helped as a starting point.

First off- I'm so sorry.  My breakup with my BPD ex-wife went pretty much the same way.  We'd get together and things were good.  Yet somehow, the next day, she's telling me that I'm a horrible person who always betrayed her and she'd bring up things from 20 years ago. 

It's so hard because it just doesn't make any sense.

Here's what happens through a BPD lens though.  You make contact, they get excited, things are going good, and then a little voice in the back of their head says, "You're playing with fire...remember when she did this, this and that!?!"  So they start having conversations within their minds examining all the evidence...most of which is not being recalled accurately...and they come to the conclusion that this person they loved so much is out to ruin their entire existence.

Why?  Because BPD is a serious mental illness and the people who see the worst of it are the people they love the most...because that's also the people they'll have the most conflict with.

Him saying he loves you is absolutely true- that was his way of trying to say goodbye in a kind way.  It's heartbreaking because he's his own worst enemy and everything he said was to chase you away so he didn't have to face his internal fears.  He probably didn't mean 90% of it...that's just how a BPD protects themselves.

At least you know now what future interactions will bring.  Please understand that this wasn't you, this is 100% a mental illness thing.  I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope you can find what's next quickly.  Please continue to talk this out!

For someone with BPD, they always have a favorite person or a few favorites at any given time.  That's why your relationship was great, she was all-in.  But at the same time, their minds create unhealthy fears that the relationship is falling apart, that you're going to leave her, etc.  So they stop being all-in and start looking for reasons to get out of the relationship.

With your friend, she saw potential and he quickly became her new favorite...that's so incredibly common in BPD relationships.  And maybe for today, it is perfect for her.  That will change over time though because that's what always happens in BPD relationships.  The same cycle you went through with her, your friend will experience as well.  And so will the next person, and the next person....

Why am I sharing this?  You probably did things wrong, like you said.  We all do at times.  Relationships are about love and forgiveness, but BPDs struggle with doing that because of the pattern I described above.  At first their partner is perfect and can do no wrong.  But over time, they're horrible and can do no right.  Both are extreme viewpoints that likely aren't true.  That's the mental illness part of all this.


I'm so sorry you're suffering,  You mentioned in another post that you were supposed to go to the gym- get up and go!  The way through this is to live your life and stay busy; sitting around only makes things 10x harder.  And it probably is a good idea to take a few more therapy sessions just to talk this out and process it.

Wishing you luck my friend- please keep us updated.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here can relate to your story, from being worried sick to probably feeling traumatized and on edge all the time.  Every phone call or loud noise in the house gives you a panicked feeling, right?  Many parents are living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  They are confused about what to do, because nothing seems to work, which can lead to disagreements about how to react and proceed, leading to considerable familial and marital tension.  Meanwhile, the other kids start to resent how their sibling consumes most of the attention and resources.  The home might feel like a hostile, dangerous war zone.  The aura is dark.  In the background, the family seems to mourn the loss of normalcy, love, calmness, the ability to celebrate Thanksgiving without a major crisis or meltdown.  As parents, you wonder if your daughter will get through this.  You wonder if YOU will get through this.  Does that sound about right?

I can relate to your post, as I have a stepdaughter who is a little older than your daughter and who attempted suicide a number of times.  She lost around four years to a hellish existence alternating between hospitals and self-imposed isolation in her bedroom.  But there's a silver lining, because she got professional help.  While meds and brain stimulation (magnetic, not electrical) got her stabilized, I think it was the therapy that helped turn things around for her, once she decided to take therapy seriously.  While she still struggles with volatile emotions and negative thinking, she's much healthier today, and we're not fearing for her life anymore.  The turnaround started slowly, with baby steps, but once she got some momentum going, she made substantial progress in a relatively short time.  She hasn't repaired some key relationships yet, but I'm holding onto hope that she'll repair them eventually, once she solidifies her identity and gets more established as an adult.

Though your daughter might lash out at you and blame you for all her troubles, I think she's very lucky to have you, as you're there for her and trying to get her professional help.  I'd advise not to take what she says too personally, hard as it may be.  It's BPD, it's not your fault.  My opinion is that her chances of turning things around increase substantially if she has your support.  But to give her support, you need to take exquisite care of yourself.  You're no good to her if you are a basket case.  If you need therapy, then I think you should try it.  If you need a break sometimes, I think you should take it.  For me, walking in nature and swimming really helped.  For others, it might be prayer, or talking to a friend, or listening to music, or coming here to process thoughts.

Not sure about this. Is this a real forum ? Just signed up . My middle Daughter was diagnosed with BPD about 4 years ago she is now coming up on 25 years old lives with my wife and I still. We have been thru Hell!... been to the emergency room at least 5 times she cuts herself and has tried to kill herself 3 times once with pills the others by slitting her wrist and neck. We are traumatized now and have had her in and out of facilities. Took her to the Mayo Clinic 3 weeks ago and they suggested ECT so we are looking into that. The Mayo used Gene Site report to look at her meds and said she has been prescribed meds that do not match what she should be prescribed. Now we are switching her meds and hoping for the best. We have a consult for ECT therapy next week. It seems kind of scary to think of her being electrically stimulated but we shall see we are desperate as I think we might loose her. Our marriage is in disarray as you can imagine please pray for us not sure we are doing the right thing but we have been on the rollercoaster of meds for many years and not sure what to do now I hope an pray that we are now on the right track thanks to the Mayo Clinic. 

Hi! I hope I'm replying to you, new to this forum and I haven't used a forum in a while. You said your story is similar, I'd like to hear it so I hope you do see this and decide to answer me and tell me more. I can also go more in detail and really explain everything. Like I said I was 100% the fault during the relationship, maybe not 100% all of the time, but for the majority of the time, at least the last few months. One thing I really did wrong was not be there for her when she truly needed me, that I can't blame her for. She's come back so many times during the years I truly thought our story was romance book worthy, I mean when she came back last year she told me she was jealous of my ex and wanted to be in her place every single day. Told me she manifested for me to come back to her. I did and she still let me go . If she had moved on with someone completely unrelated I wouldn't have been as hurt and I definitely wouldn't have cared as much. It would have still hurt but way less than this. And to answer your question, if the roles were reversed, YES. I would 100% feel like I cheated. Not only this is someone I introduced her to, this is someone I was jealous of, someone I didn't like (and she knew the whys) and someone who always felt inferior to me for no reason at all. Also someone she very clearly got closer and closer until I said enough. This guy is genuinely soulless and fake, he is a super fake person I'm not sure how and why she'd fall for him. I warned her, too. Still fell for him.

Some thoughts:

- How do you handle conversations that always spiral, even with a therapist present?
I guess I start by understanding that a pwBPD basically feels traumatized all the time, and they have a trauma-like response to practically every situation which manifests as flight (e.g. storming off, blocking) or fight (bullying, blaming, unfounded accusations, yelling and emotions running too hot).  When emotions spiral out of control, I assume they just can't listen to reason in that moment, and so I usually try to give them a "time out" to calm down.  I would never say, "You need a time out," but rather I might say, "I'm stressed, I need to get some air"--that is, I don't add fuel to the fire by blaming them and their behavior, which they would take as yet another insult.  In most scenarios, they take longer to calm down than a "normal" person, and tend to hold onto negative thoughts for an extended period.  Thus I'm aware that there are no quick fixes, and "progress" will be extremely slow even in the best-case scenario.

- How do you keep your sense of self when every argument makes you doubt yourself?
OK, maybe I'm over-confident, or maybe I've reached that age where I know myself really well.  I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm not prepared to roll over and agree with the misplaced blame and extreme accusations that a pwBPD is hurling my way.  I can empathize, and I can compromise on some things, but I'm not agreeing to falsehoods, compromising my core values or agreeing to be cast as a villain when I'm not one.  Yes I make mistakes sometimes, and I could have handled certain situations better, but the preponderance of the evidence shows that I am a good person and try really hard, probably orders of magnitude more than the pwBPD.  If they choose not to see that, that's on them, not me.

- How do you set boundaries without becoming “the villain” in the other person’s narrative?
Boundaries are meant to protect you, but unfortunately, pwBPD don't like boundaries.  If you enforce a boundary, you are almost guaranteed to be perceived as the villain in the other person's narrative.  But that's their problem really, not yours.  You need the boundary to protect yourself first.  Let's say your sibling has a habit of calling you in the middle of the night (or while you are working), and the conversations habitually devolve into an angry blame game.  The conversations never seem to get resolved, and they really agitate you, making you lose sleep (or efficiency at work).  You decide to enforce a boundary, which is you do not answer your phone at night (at work) anymore, because you need to get your sleep (work done) to protect your health and well-being.  You don't explain your rationale, you just stop answering your phone at night (work).  But your sibling paints you as a villain, saying you're narcissistic, ignoring her, refusing to help her, whatever, and she bad-mouths you to whomever will listen.  That's her narrative, and you don't control her narrative.    What you control is your own life and your own responses.  I'd say, let her think whatever she's going to think, you can't control her thoughts.

- How do you decide when contact is still healthy?
I think that depends entirely on you.  If interacting with your sibling is draining you too much, and your life and other relationships are suffering because of that, then you might consider reducing contact or maybe even cutting off contact for the time being.  Maybe you try distancing yourself for a trial period and then re-assess.  The nature and frequency of contact could be dependent on your living situation as well as how you are interacting with your sibling currently.  For some people, going no contact seems extreme.  Maybe one thing you could do is get more control over when and how contact happens.  If you typically interact through phone calls, one thing you might try is to call your sibling on a schedule that's convenient for you, when you are in the right frame of mind.  As an example, you don't take inbound late-night calls, but you make outbound calls on Tuesday mornings when you're on a walk, and you limit the conversation to 15 minutes, saying, "I've got to go now, but I'll call you next week."  In addition, if the conversation turns sour, you invent a reason to hang up early, so as not to get sucked into a negative spiral.  The same "rule" applies to text conversations--if she's texting you mean things, then don't dignify the text with a response.  I'd say, treat a nasty text like spam and delete it from your mind.  By not engaging, you are protecting your own health.

- How do you manage the guilt of protecting yourself?
Don't feel guilty!  You shouldn't feel guilty for protecting your own health and well-being.  Look, I'm assuming you are both adults.  You are both responsible for yourselves.  You owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself!  You are worth it.  Just because she's treating you like dirt doesn't mean you are dirt.  You do not deserve to be abused, and you are right to protect yourself from abuse.

Sadly, it appears the therapist allowed the session to devolve into a Blamefest.  Those never turn out well.  The therapist should have quickly stepped in and repeated respectful ground rules.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to do that, to Deny, Project, Blame, Blame Shift and more.  They've had years of experience using overwhelming emotions and emotional claims to trump reality and facts.

Unless your sibling starts and diligently applies therapy in her own life and perceptions, likely this lack of respect for you and others will continue.  You may have to encounter her in the future in family scenarios but you can decide not to expose yourself to contact with her any more than absolutely necessary.  We have a catch phrase for that ... MC or LC ... medium chill or low/limited contact.

I have a sibling I've always known as somewhere between grumpy and nasty.  I too suspect I see at least some BPD traits.  My sibling lives very close but I've chosen not to reach out to him and we haven't spoken for years.  Not my wish but that's how it had to be.

And children often forget what is mentioned once or twice.  You know, attention span, distractions, stress and all that.  You need to reinforce that reassurance with appropriately periodic reminders.  And if your children have counselors then be sure you've shared that with the counselors.

My mother with BPD constantly spoke badly about my father, often telling me she wanted to divorce my father when she was extremely emotionally dysregulated, though apparently never said anything to my father about getting a divorce. According to the wife of one of my uncles, my mother was very unhappily married to my father and my father was happily married to my mother, which I think is true. What helped me the most were other people who saw how badly I was treated, who went out of their way to see me, to validate me as a worthy separate person. I do wish people would have dared to tell me what they thought of  my mother's behaviors. My advice would be to not underestimate what your wife may be telling your children and others behind your back, to not hesitate in one sentence to say what is going on. Do correct anything you hear from your children that is completely wrong in one simple sentence. The harm is done when we give long explanations, which a child cannot understand, and the long explanations make the children feel that this is more about your needs than theirs. Think about how advertisers are so effective with their short slogans versus long dialogs/monologues in media, which often makes the participant go quickly to something else.