Frankly, if she is unwilling to change, then she won't change.  Accept that.  You can't fix her.  Only she can choose to want to fix herself, typically that requires she start and apply meaningful therapy over years.

Maybe you're thinking that after a divorce the kids would be alone with her.  Well, you already "leave your kids alone with her" if you leave the residence to go off to work, shopping, etc.  The real question is whether you will strategize and seek as much parenting as possible during and after a divorce.  And that is from the very start, beginning with the court's temp order.  Reality check: Too frequently temp orders tend to morph into final decrees, so do your best to get the best (least bad) initial temp order from the very start.  This is not the time to try to be fair to her.  Courts won't give you credit for being overly fair, just don't be nasty.

Frankly, a house is a lesser concern.  Families, even in divorce, move all the time.  A house is not a home... Home is where you live.  If neither of you can maintain the house separately, then it must be sold and the equity, if any, split.  That's just the reality.

And no, despite what she insists and dictates, you are not required to be magnanimous and pay all her expenses.  Yes, there may be child support (if you don't get more than 50% scheduled parenting time) and short term spousal support or alimony for a couple years (so she can find employment if not already employed and get situated in post-divorce life) but that's about it.

Hi Strawberry,

I think that a pwBPD can't stand to see other people happy, because it's in stark contrast to his own negativity, and it reminds him just how unhappy he is.  Basically, he can't be happy for others when he's feeling inferior, miserable and victimized.  In addition, he's jealous of all the positive attention you'll get from parents and other siblings if you have them.  He can't stand not to be the center of attention, right?  He'll think, all the congratulations, well wishes, presents, visits, etc. should come his way, not yours.  Since you're the same gender as your brother, he can't help but compare himself to you.

Anyway, if your brother has cut off contact with you, I'd say, you go ahead and respect his desire for space.  That's his way of saying that he can't handle the negative feelings that well up when he interacts with you, which probably reminds him of all the ways he feels inferior to you.  Generally my advice on these boards is to consider sending a neutral text or card with a Happy Birthday or Happy Holidays message on those occasions, just to show you haven't forgotten him and you're not excluding him, sort of the way you might send greetings to a distant cousin or a business colleague.  But otherwise, I'd say it's important to respect his desire for space.  My guess is he'll reach out only when he's ready.

Just my two cents.  Congratulations on your growing family.  I'd advise to try not to let your disgruntled brother ruin it for you.  He's going to feel how he's going to feel, and if he has untreated BPD, then his demeanor defaults to negative, and there's nothing you can do about that.

You mentioned a possible divorce and a great resource that may will help you avoid many of the unexpected traps and pitfalls of our sort of protracted divorce is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (updated 2021).

There is so much to add but where to start?  Our thoughts, suggestions and time-tested strategies are many.  Too many to list all at once.  Please browse other posts and you will find many insights and ideas that may fit your needs.  Feel free to continue posting and asking questions.

Often having children together means the divorce will be more complicated with custody and parenting schedule issues.  Now that the children are school age, it makes sense that your spouse should no longer continue as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM).  In all legal stances and paperwork going forward, one theme is that she needs to find employment or a career, if at all possible.

And, of course, in the interim, no more children.

Another thought... If neither parent can afford to assume ownership (pay off the other's equity, new mortgage, real estate taxes, insurance & utility bills) of the house, then likely the only solution is to sell the property and each parent can use their portion of the equity to find their new residences.

However - and this is a big however - she is likely to try to to get interim possession of the home so she can gain perceived leverage to assume primary care of your son in the temp order.  The problem is that temp orders often continue for the entire length of the divorce case and our protracted ?PD cases take a year or two.  At the end the court may default to letting the temp order morph into the final decree, reasoning this seems to have worked.  That is why we encourage our members to strategize and seek the best - or least bad - temp order from the very start.

Your lawyer will of course have answered many of your questions.  But divorce laws vary by state and some things you may not think to ask about.

The only custody aspect would be your shared guardianship of your older child.  Expect the unexpected, most likely allegations of DV (her*) or abuse and/or neglect (children).  Yor documentation can include patterns (over extended time) or incidents (specific claims).  Most courts generally limit specific allegations to the six months prior to separation or filing, anything older being considered moot or legally stale, otherwise you would be expected to have separated or filed sooner.

* Courts view parental adult behavior as somewhat unrelated to parenting ability.  (Almost as though a person can be two people?)  So if your stbEx implies DV or makes such adult relationship allegations, that does not automatically impact you as a parent.  Theoretically.

If your son lives in the house then likely she will of course try to continue living there, claiming she is the "Mother" despite her past history of not being involved as much as you in his care.

In nearly all divorces the children move back and forth between each parent's home.  Can he do that?  Or could he reside in his own semi-independent residence nearby?  I suspect a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) will be assigned to your son.  Be sure your attorney knows that not just any professional will be able to handle such a potentially protracted and high conflict case.  Is your adult daughter trustworthy enough - not influenced by her mother - to relate the facts of her brothers care, etc?


I found it was extraordinarily difficult to come up with a good response in the moment, especially during a distortion campaign.  For this one perhaps it would have been appropriate to comment in a general way, "We're not at that phase in the divorce, likely court will decide those details."  Did you notice?  Whenever possible deflect the blaming elsewhere... lay the "blame" on the glacially slow system, the court or even the lawyers.  After all, the lawyers get paid to be your buffer from such innuendo.

Years ago I posted this which occurred in my county:

Congrats- that is fantastic news!

For your brother, I hate to sound crass but honestly, who cares what he thinks.  Your wife said it best, he will be unhappy no matter what, so let him be unhappy by himself.  Don't let it ruin a second of your day.

Truthfully he found out the perfect way- he heard it from someone else, melted down, and you weren't directly involved at all.  That's great!  Your mom probably took some abuse over the news but that was inevitable no matter how the news was delivered.  Either she stands her ground or she doesn't...that's her choice.  That's not directly your problem either though.

I'm so sorry, that's not the update any of us wanted to see.  Yet, it's not unespected either.  You're weathering the storm and she's on full tilt mentally.  It has to play out...or you have to reconcile and stay married.  Keep walking the path you're on and let her have her moments.

The goal is the finish line and that's still a ways off- remember the finish line!

Congratulations on your happy news!
I don't think this could have gone well with your brother no matter how he found out.

I agree- you aren't responsible for your brother's feelings or his reaction. Also, your mother agreed to tell him and then didn't- that is on her. You aren't responsible for that either.

Still, it's great news and you and your wife can protect your own happiness. If anything- I'd consider this a learning experience for the future. You see now that maybe your mother got distracted, forgot, or she herself didn't think there was a good time to tell your brother. Now you know she may have this tendency, so something to keep in mind.

Congratulations again!

Hey everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here.

I told my uBPDw that I was divorcing her about 9–10 weeks ago. Just so you don’t have to go back and read the history: we’ve been married for 25 years. The last ten or so things started to progressively get worse, especially the last eight. Extreme emotional volatility, epic rages, screaming, telling me she hates me. More threats than I can count — threats of divorce, threats to destroy me personally and professionally, threats to call the police and claim I was abusing her. She told me she wanted me dead but at least she’d get the money. She’s also been physically violent — including wrestling and choking me trying to get my phone. Threatened to destroy property, and destroyed property. Most of it has been directed at me, but my daughter (almost 20) also got a fair amount of it directly. And of course all of this happened in front of the kids. I've mentioned him before - my son is almost 22 and has an intellectual disability, which creates a whole other layer since we are currently joint guardians of him.

It took me years of therapy, reading, and educating myself on BPD and NPD to get to this point, and a lot of support here as well. Mostly held back for so long because of fear. When I was in it I often thought to myself "if it's this bad now and she's supposed to love me and want to stay in a relationship, how bad will it be once I end our relationship?" And now that I’m here, that fear is still a daily battle. A lot of rumination and disaster vision.

Initially, she seemed to take it well. No explosions. I was honest with her upfront — I just want this to be cooperative and cordial, split everything down the middle, and have equal shared arrangements for our son. The fact is, I’ve been covering nearly all of our living expenses. She pays a couple of personal bills, the power bill, and vehicle insurance. That’s it. And she makes good money — it’s not a matter of ability.

There was a lot of denial at first. She said she was just going to win me back. She did a complete 180 — suddenly helpful around the house, pleasant with the kids, transferring money into the joint account. She stopped drinking immediately, which I honestly believe was strategic, since her worst episodes have always involved alcohol. I think she 100% knew she couldn't control herself if she drank and the police would have been called on her quickly.

The “perfect wife and mother” phase slowly faded once she realized I wasn’t going to reconcile. The other complication: we’re still cohabitating. She's still not drinking that I'm aware of but uses marijuana daily.

Before I told her about the divorce, I felt like Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy. I did a lot of preparation — moved completely out of the master bedroom, set up the spare room with a security door that locks, installed a couple of cameras - all in a day when she was at work.

In the last 3–4 weeks, things have gotten harder. The smear campaign started almost immediately after I told her, even while she was being outwardly “kind.” Behind the scenes she was on the phone constantly, sometimes without even closing the door — I caught bits and pieces. Telling people I’m hiding money, that I’ve financially abused her, that I’m inattentive to our son and she’s been the primary caregiver. That last one is complete nonsense — I’ve been the primary caregiver for years, including meals, doctors’ appointments, everything related to his Social Security and annual guardianship plans. When my wife goes on one of her many girls trips, there's nothing missing, there's no gaps in stuff being done around the house. Logistically there's nothing she takes care of that's missed. She only takes care of her own stuff. If anything it's been easier when she's gone - one less person for me to cook for or clean up after or take care of. I still take care of everything around the house now that I always did: meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, all of it.

The smear campaign has honestly been one of the hardest parts. I knew it was coming. I knew she’d be building her narrative with her family and our mutual friends. I pretty much understood that there was a long list of people I would likely never see or talk to again. That doesn’t make it easier, especially when I think about the people I’ve known for nearly 30 years. There are only a couple I still have regular contact with — people who’ve witnessed her episodes firsthand so they know she's full of it when she starts making stuff up.

There have also been outright fabrications — things that have come through the attorneys that I’ve had to correct. And in a strange way, it’s actually scarier now than before the divorce announcement. Before, everything was out in the open — she’d scream and rage and it was external. Now it’s unpredictable and mostly under the surface. She’s had a few moments where she’s lost control. One day in the kitchen she told me if I’m staying in the house, she’s not going to make it easy for me. She’s left me strange handwritten notes. I’m keeping everything documented.

I worry she could make some kind of move for exclusive use of the marital home. I like to think that truth and evidence will ultimately matter — I do have audio and video of physical abuse, and several years of text and email records showing clear behavioral patterns. Once I told her I was divorcing her she unilaterally removed several of the internal security cameras we’ve had for years. Then suddenly a few days ago she was extremely upset that our ring doorbell wasn’t working. I installed a new one and she's been testing it, making sure it captures motion, etc. it’s bizarre and outside her usual pattern. She's never cared about the doorbell camera before. Makes me worried if she’s trying capture me doing something. Can’t imagine what though. And what makes it even harder is this sort of stuff isn’t anything a lawyer can do anything about. It’s the things that only we, as the partners of these disordered people recognize. Its the patterns of our partners. It's like my marriage as a whole. I've had people ask me what was it, what happened that made you want to move forward with divorce? And it never was just one thing. It was death by a 1000 cuts. It wasn't one bad moment or episode. It was 100s of them.

I recently joined an in-person CoDA support group for men, and it’s been incredibly helpful. The first day I was there, I was describing the patterns of behavior and one of the other men immediately said, “Your wife is a borderline.” I was stunned — I don’t think anyone I’ve ever spoken to even knew what that meant. Turns out he divorced his borderline wife about seven years ago. You never want someone else to go through this, but there’s something genuinely comforting about not feeling alone. He jokes that whatever the rest of them are going through, I’m in the middle of mine and just trying to stay out of jail right now. And honestly, he’s not far off — I truly believe she would relish any opportunity to make that happen.

Most recently, a female neighbor approached me — someone we’ve known well since we moved in about eight years ago. Apparently my wife had told her that I’d threatened to call her and “bitch her out” over something involving our cat many months ago. Our cat was in heat and meowing constantly, and my wife was dysregulated about the whole thing and kept putting the cat outside. The neighbor had texted my wife suggesting the cat be brought in or looked at. Next thing I know, my wife had spun this whole story about how furious I was with the neighbor and had threatened to call her. Of course none of it was true. I had to explain that we’re going through a difficult divorce and that I’ve been hearing similar things from other people. I had to sit there and explain that this is just not in my character — I’ve never threatened anyone like that and never would. It’s clear projection: she’s the one who has been aggressive with neighbors in the past. I thanked the neighbor profusely for coming to me directly, told her I completely understood why she’d be upset if someone told her something like that, and apologized for the confusion. She seemed to take it well and appeared to believe me.

Then the other day — at a Special Olympics event for my son, of all places — she starts working the room. Going around to other parents, telling them we’re divorcing, that I asked for the divorce. That part I don’t love, but okay. What I do mind: she then starts telling a woman who is literally sitting right next to me that I asked for a divorce and I’m still living in the house and won’t leave — and that she thinks I’m staying just to torture her. The woman stepped away for a moment, and my wife turns to me and starts making small talk. Asking how I slept. Saying we should still try to be friendly. I’d been holding it together all day but I did say, calmly, that I don’t find it very friendly to tell people things about our private life while making false statements. I told her I financially cannot afford to move out — I’m covering all the household bills and debts. She said she knows how much I make and knows I can afford it. I just shook my head and said we’d be getting to mandatory disclosures soon.

All of it makes it super tempting to make a 'best hits' mix and blast out a stream to friends and family of audio and video and texts of my wife's behaviors over the years. Let's see what people think if they hear and see the truth. Not what I'm going to do. Just tempting.

The emotional whiplash is genuinely jarring. The finance thing in particular was triggering — she’s made similar statements many times over the years. “You make X, you can afford it!” But she’s never once been willing to look at an actual budget. It’s either denial, accusations of hiding money, or just pushing forward with demands regardless of the reality.

Ugh. I just want this to be over.

And one last thing — even if I could afford to move out, I’m not sure I could leave the kids alone with her...

Pray for me, friends. Hope you’re all doing well in your journeys

My wife and I expect our third child. We are super happy.
Of course, every time I am happy, I am scared of sharing my happiness with my BPD brother. When I announced I was getting married, we were in a good relationship, so he was clearly shocked but nothing too bad happened. When I announced the coming of my first, he was not writing to me. He did not respond and, months later, said he didn't because he thought I wasn't ready.
When I announced my second, he "jokingly" said I had to stop having babies because otherwise he would get less money when our parents died. Few months later he added he wasn't joking and that it was a reasonable position.

Now I had no idea what to do with the announcement of this third because right now we are no contact. He chose it, and right now I am very happy about this choice because the situation had become unbearable for me. This no contact made me realise a lot of things, to be honest. BTW, the only contacts we have are emails he sends to my mom's therapist, copying me in, about supposed wrongs we do to him. In one of the latest emails he wrote that he didn't even want to hear about me if I died.

Talking with my wife, she made a good point: whatever you do, it will not work. If you somehow write to him, he'll lash out. If you don't, he will lash out. It's a lose lose, so if you don;t want to write, just don't do it, which is exactly what he told you to do.
I still thought it didn't cost me much to send him a text, and ignore his shenanigans later on, but my mum offered to tell him herself. I asked her at least 3 times if she really wanted to do it, as I didn't want to put her in a difficult position for my laziness. She said yes and seemed confident enough. We didn't talk about it anymore, and I assumed she had told him, as every time we talked over the phone she referenced the pregnancy no problem, and he lives with her. I also never thought about asking her, as in case she had not told him and he heard I was referencing it (or read a text) it would have been even worse.
Turns out, 3 weeks later she had NOT told him. Today he found out from somebody, and of course the reaction was the worst possible. I am really sorry for  my mom. I mean, I told her she didn't need to do it and she willingly offered to help, but maybe I should have just written to him myself. Had I known she was postponing this, I would have understood she didn't really want to tell him...

ANyway, I suppose what I need to understand is I have no responsibility over how my brother reacts and there is nothing I could have done to make things better. Maybe next time I will not let my mom take over such a responsibility, even if she says she does not think it is so difficult... But if she offers to help, it is her right to do it, and I don't have responsibility oevr what she does afterwards, I suppose.