The other day, I was responding to a new member here and his story really resonated with me.  He was in a terrible place mentally and the relationship was extreme dysfunction with BPD rages.  It pushed him over the edge and the poster pretty much had a mental breakdown.  And as I was typing out some advice to him, a memory from 20+ years ago returned to me.

I had been married just over a year at this point, and we had a new baby at home.  My BPD wife and I were beginning to fight often and at times I'd get so upset, I'd have panic attacks.  I was in my 20's so I didn't know what was happening, I thought it was breathing problems or something since we lived in an older cabin.  But they progressively became worse and worse.

One afternoon, we were arguing over cleaning up the house and I felt my breathing quicken.  Before long, my breath started to speed up and it felt like I had just sprinted 100 yards.  The more I tried to control my breathing, the worse it became, and I asked my BPD wife to help me (or at least stop screaming at me).

She insisted that there was nothing wrong with me though, that I was faking it to get sympathy.  Meanwhile, my breathing is going faster and faster, I'm starting to hyperventilate, and this had never happened before.  I thought I was dying and since my wife wouldn't help, I stood up to grab the cordless phone to call my mom...who happened to live next store to us.  As I stood though, I went straight down to the floor...I was too weak to stand.

This made my wife super angry and her screaming went to a new level.  I told her to give me the phone so I could call my mom for help, and that opened an entire new rant on me being a "momma's boy".  And through all of this, my breathing is getting faster and faster, I couldn't calm down, and my cheeks were going numb.  I was literally terrified and I'm still getting screamed at.

This goes on for several more minutes, me gasping for air and my BPD wife screaming.  I guess she finally realized that I wasn't okay though because she opened the front door and yelled, "<Mom's name>, there's something wrong with your son."  My parents came flying over and as they entered the house, my wife is telling them all the things I did wrong.  And I can only imagine what it took for my mom not to go after her...she's not a patient woman.

By now, I'm taking 5-6 shallow breaths per second and my head felt like it had been hit with a sledgehammer.  My entire head and neck were numb and I'm crying, I thought death was just seconds away.  My mom is trying to calm me down but I'm trying to tell her what my wife was saying, what she was accusing me of.  Then I passed out from lack of oxygen.

I woke up sometime later and I was okay, but the headache was legendary for several days.  That day I told my wife that she was leaving, that I was done, and I genuinely meant it.  I did reach out weeks later though and fought to reconcile, which we eventually did.

How could I just "forget" something like this though?  When my wife and I finally did separate and divorce a few years ago (after 23 years of marriage), she kept bringing up when I threw her out that first year we were married.  But somehow, the facts never even occurred to me until I was replying to that post a few days ago (and of course, they never occurred to her either since it was all my fault) . 

I've heard that some people block out memories from trauma...is that what this is?  Is it common?

I still do at times and it frustrates the heck out of me...I actually get mad at myself for getting too focused on the past and things that are completely outside my control.

Hello and welcome to the family! 

To start it off, congrats on getting sober! That's a huge milestone and something nobody should take lightly.

Now comes the hard part.  You're responsible for you and taking the right steps in life; getting clean, finding a new path.  Your girlfriend is responsible for herself though, and it sounds like she's not ready to take that journey with you.  Without talking about the BPD aspect at all here, that's a massive red flag that I hope you take very seriously. 

If you're clean and she's not, it's only a matter of time before you're pulled right back into that lifestyle.  Please take this to heart and weigh your options very carefully!

For the mental health aspect, that's the typical push/pull of a BPD relationship.  When she wants to break up, what she's really saying is that she wants you to choose her over <insert whatever you're arguing about>.  When you come up short, she pushes you away only to pull you right back days/weeks/months later.

I hope that helps start us off!  How old are you and your girlfriend?  Did you have a relationship before using drugs, or were they always there?

Yes, a 1/100th of what I was. I was climbing the career ladder. I was social. I networked. I was 'sure' of myself regarding my abilities, my friendships, family relations. I felt solid. Not perfect of course, but I was in a good and solid state of mind. And still wanting to be better, even without external concerns.

I too was told I'm not romantic. She wants to go out more, 2 dates a week isn't enough  apparently? I know I'm  romantic, I know I'm thoughtful...more than most men I know. And it isn't good or bad. I'm just me. I actually pay attention and care. Maybe too much.

People tell me even less than half of what I did was more than enough. But hearing how it was so bad every other day does stuck with me. Because I had more in the tank. But my logical brain knows that isn't ok. I do know I'm  ok and a relatively or even good partnerm. I just don't fully believe it yet.

I can meet someone. I just don't want to right now. Or soon. 30, 40, 50 or more. I don't like how this feels.it would have upset me as much regardless of age. I put in far too much vs what I get. I need to fix that.

Thanks everyone for the support.  I can't seem to figure out how to reply to each of you individually for some reason, but I appreciate your advice/support Gems, Me88 and Under the Bridge.  Gems- what you said about not being able to love someone to wellness hit home.  It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved her (and she loved me) the relationship was extremely unhealthy, damaging, and unsustainable.  Lord knows my therapist tried to get that across to me!  For whatever reason it took until now for me to get the message and really do something about it.  Divorce is really scary for me (I'm soon to be 60 and widowed as well) and I just moved to a new city where I don't know anyone.  And I just retired.  So there's a ton of change to get used to.  But I know I made the right decision.  Thanks again.

What Gems wrote, you become a shell of yourself, is something I was going to write in my reply. They suppress you, put you in your shell and make you feel worthless. I was told I’m not romantic, I’m not caring, I’m socially and emotionally inept.
I don’t know why they do this, I don’t know if it’s the things that aren’t reality they dream up in their heads that makes their emotions and thinking so dysregulated.
Of the relationships I’ve had since, I’ve learnt that I am romantic. I’m not massively romantic, but I am not devoid of it, and all emotion like I was once led to believe.
In my current relationship I have been told that I am very thoughtful and caring. I’ve learnt that far from being emotionally inept, I was just always capable of keeping my emotions in check, whereas a person with BPD view their emotions as reality.

My ex’s best friends partner works behind the bar in my local club, and he has said I have spoken to him a lot more, and have way more interesting conversations with him since I’ve split up with my wife. This is because I can be me, I am no longer suppressed by my ex. And when you can be yourself, and when you feel ready, I’m sure you will meet someone. You sound like you have got enough going for you, and you are still in your 30’s.
Imagine how much more scary your situation might be if you are 50!

I love the reference about grieving....it is hard to explain to others....grieving a person that IS alive, grieving memories you are not making, I think alot about grieving (I don't know how to say it....alot of my pwBPD (daughter)'s friends are getting married and having babies) events

I appreciate your replies. Luckily I have ZERO social media accounts. I'm in my mid 30s so it all started when I was in high school. I never saw the appeal, and still maintain it's to garner attention, which is also something I'm not wanting in a partner, attention seeking. I will also never try dating apps, I had done that only one time years and years ago and I did very well. But it just seems strange now, plus if I somehow ran into my ex on there my heart would drop...reading all the lies. I agree I need to move slower. I jumped head first into the last one since the love bombing, sex bombing and being put on a pedestal felt so warm and 'real', which I returned to her.

It's very traumatic and no on understands other than it was a bad relationship. I too questioned every single word, action, task, how I'd breathe, drive, etc. Everything was on the table for criticism and making me a monster somehow. I also became a totally different person in all ways and I'm still trying to put that back together. I'm in the best shape of my life and overall life is going well, it all still seems so blurry though.

And as far as hobbies and such I probably have far too many. I play multiple instruments. Lots of wood working. Metal work. Fixing cars. The list is endless. I do go out and do things whether it's a concert, golf, bowling league, family stuff. Luckily I'm not hiding in my house anymore. Sadly, my city isn't very large and like I said...it's on every list for highest percentage of singles, worst cities to date, and the highest rate of single mothers. It's a little rough.

At the same time, I'm not against meeting someone, however that presents itself. If I find a woman attractive and we strike up a conversation, ok. But I'm not actively looking for anything, and like you had said I feel like a total loser with nothing to offer. And I still ponder on her insults and accusations of my actions. It sort of haunts you; am I controlling, insecure, abusive, toxic? No one in my entire life has said that, so I like to think that I am not those things deep down as a whole. I'm also afraid to meet someone and worry if they're just going to go crazy again. Get me comfortable and break me down a little and then unleash the demon.

Hey there -

I just replied to your 9/2025 post.  I’m past the expiration date, I think  but I feel compelled to also reply to your post here.

I truly don’t understand today’s world of social media and the “presentation” I feel it forces on young people.  I’m not sure how I would have coped with that pressure.

From the words in your posting history, it’s very clear you are way more than the 6’, money-making, 6-pack ab guy who would look nice in photos and sound appealing in a dating app description.  You are allowed to quiet the noise of all the “shoulds” when it comes from people outside of you telling you to date or to “get back out there”.  Only you know when you’re ready.  And maybe this time, a different and slower approach to meeting someone or making a new friend would be more appropriate for you.

These relationships are extremely traumatic and those on the outside don’t truly know what it feels like, and trying to explain it doesn’t seem to work.  For me, I questioned EVERYTHING about myself.  Everything… and the worst thing was that I didn’t trust my judgment about anything because I thought “how could I” when I had let that happen?  I had become a shell of myself, emotionally, physically, spiritually…in every way. And I felt I had nothing to offer and wouldn’t be able to discern between an honest person and another one like him.  I recognized my vulnerability, because of how vulnerable I was when I met him.  And he knew it. 

No one can tell you what to do.  But you can ask yourself about things you’ve never tried but may like to… stick your hands in a bag of clay and try a pottery class or a watercolor painting class.  Pick up a musical instrument and take lessons.  Find a meet-up group for hiking (or some other outdoor activity), or some other activity that doesn’t involve alcohol.  Take a jewelry metal-making class.  Find out what you like that you don’t know about yet.  If you live in a large city, find every free or low cost musical offering and go listen to anything appealing - broaden your interests and you’ll meet different kinds of people.  Everyone has art or music in them…they just may not know it yet.

If you don’t go in you can’t find out.  Everything starts with one small step.

Warmly,
Gems

A big part of the challenge when we are enlisted to be emotional caretakers of our parents, is we learn to prioritize their feelings over our own. It can help to remind yourself whenever you feel uncomfortable with your father's requests to enable your mother or how your mother is treating you, that you are a separate person from them, that these are their feelings and not yours. Learning about the concept of differentiation from Murray Bowen can be a first step in becoming less triggered for shorter periods of time by all the enabling of your mother's behaviors by different family members.