Kissing his forehead before you left and then months later having that become the thing he describes as assault, I want you to know that gap between what you actually did and what it turned into is something I recognize. My ex had BPD and wasn't diagnosed until after we broke up, and there were things he described later that I genuinely did not recognize as events I had been present for. You start turning it over trying to find the version where he's right, because the alternative, that the memory itself got that distorted, is its own kind of hard to sit with.

The part you said about always asking him to talk, never shouting, making sure he knows you're not cross, I did all of that too. And I don't think it's wrong to do those things, but I also spent a long time thinking that if I just communicated carefully enough, the confusion would stop. It didn't really work that way.

I can't tell you what's happening from his side, and I'm not going to. But what you're describing, knowing what you did and still finding yourself on a forum trying to work out if you're the problem, that disorientation is real. It makes sense that you're confused. Eight months in and you still don't really know what you are to each other, and now this. That's a lot to be carrying at 19.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  You must be at the end of your rope, dealing with this sort of dysfunction for over a decade.  Here you can learn all sorts of tips about how to cope.

First off, I'd say, if you're feeling exhausted, resentful, fearful and that nothing you do seems to work, that's a sign that you need to start taking care of yourself, first and foremost.  If you need a break, take it.  If you need therapy, get it.  You focus on taking care of yourself, because you're no good to your spouse if you're a basket case.  If you're walking around in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you're not seeing straight, let alone making sound decisons.

I highlighted above what I consider to be a big red flag:  the relevations of massive traumas which weren't previously known or reported.  There are two aspects here:  the multiplicity of traumas, as well as their delayed relevation.  While experiencing trauma is indeed traumatic, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I would view your spouse's "relevations" with a healthy dose of skepticism, at least in terms of details.  The most likely scenario in my opinion is that your spouse FELT traumatized by her past, but that her telling of events is highly distorted.  There might be a kernel of truth (e.g. a past argument, a physical fight), but she probably conveniently left out her role in it; she might have even flipped the script, switching the victim and the abuser.  My guess is that she blames countless people for "causing" all the problems in her life.  That way, she's always a victim of "abuse."  But when she blames others, she abdicates responsibility for her own choices.  She embraces a victim mindset like her life depends on it, and she re-interpretes her entire life history with that distorted lens.  The  problem with this is, she feels powerless over her own life, which in itself makes her miserable.  And she won't take any responsibility for the harms she causes others.

Similarly, the pwBPD in my life experienced life as an unending series of "traumas" caused by other people.  I think the key is that it wasn't just one person or one environment, but the "traumas" followed her everywhere:  her childhood home, her teenage school, her college years, her work environment, her online persona, her various roommates, her romantic interests.  She thought the entire world was "bullying" her.  And here's an interesting observation.  The more stressed out or disappointed she was about her current life, the farther back in the "archive" she'd reach.  She'd dredge up some distant, insignificant and barely recognizable event from her early childhood and lash out at her family members with pent-up anger.  I think it was all just a distraction, a deflection, from the current situation or disappointment du jour.  She felt so much shame and disappointment in the present that she felt compelled to project it onto the people closest to her.  It was her brain's maladjusted way of coping.  Basically it looked like a full-grown adult throwing a tantrum over not getting what she wanted, and blaming mom/dad/sis/brother for ruining her life a decade ago, when they had absolutely nothing to do with her current situation.

Anyway, in my humble experience, I think it's counter-productive to dwell on the past with my pwBPD.  Why?  First, she just won't get past it.  She's not interested in processing what happened or learning from it, let alone overcoming it and forgiving herself or others.  Second, it just makes her relive some negative feelings.  It's as if she ENJOYS reliving the negative feelings, as a distraction from functioning in the present, and as an excuse to lash out.  Unfortunately, the more and more she thinks about a past negative experience, the more she embelishes it.  I think she ruminates on it so much that she literally wears a rut in her brain.  At each retelling of the old story, it's like she's showcasing her perfected rage.  So I try not to go there at all.  I might say something like, "Let's focus on today, OK?" or maybe, "You can't change the past," or, "It's a shame to waste mental bandwidth on ancient history" or, "It's probably best to talk about this with your therapist, she'll know how to help you cope."  My point is, in my humble opinion, I think it's counter-productive to talk about the past.  It's just too negative, there's too much emotional baggage, there's too much distortion of facts, and there's basically nothing you can do to change it.

But what can you do?  First, I think you can look for the FEELINGS behind the traumas.  You didn't really mention what your wife was complaining about, but my guess is that you can get an inkling of what your wife is worried about through her traumas and her projections.  As an example, if she feels constantly "bullied," that could be a sign that she feels inferior and very insecure.  If she's accusing others of being narcissistic, mean, manipulative, childish or lazy, in all likelihood, that's what she thinks of herself.  You see, she obsesses over her supposed flaws so much that they are constantly top-of-mind, and her concerns typically emerge as projections onto other people!

Once you have a better sense of your wife's feelings, I think you try to comfort her.  If she's sad, try to cheer her up.  If she's mad, maybe you give her a time out, so she can have time and space to calm down.  If she's anxious, you try to calm and console her.  If she's lonely, you give her some attention.  But, if she's treating you badly and being nasty, I'd say, put her in an adult time out.  That way, you both get some time and space to calm down, before you do or say something you might regret.  Besides, you don't want to reward her nastiness with your attention.  You deserve to be treated nicely and with respect.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

It's been almost 4 years for me, and I'm remarried in a fantastic relationship.  Yet from time to time, I'll still think of my ex over general life stuff and catch my mind wandering.   I think that's completely normal and I don't know if it ever fully goes away.

But yeah, I annoyed myself about an hour ago.  I thought of the dog I had before moving here...after the divorce/separation.  It was supposed to be a Husky but I think he was more wolf than anything- massive, massive dog that was over 6 feet tall on his rear legs.  My ex decided to pop by unannounced one day, let herself inside, and she met my new dog...who quickly threw his front paws on her shoulders and sent her tumbling to the ground.  He had no clue how powerful he was and he took her falling as a cue to pounce on her and howl.

I wasn't home for this but I've heard the story from dozens of others my ex told it to, and it always brings me immense pleasure since we were both huge dog lovers and my "puppy" was just playing.

These are helpful. I need this today. Feeling down.

It's been a year and 8 months. That's a long time. I was on Spotify sending my friend an album and the app had a list of 'people you know'. Her account popped up, and it was a picture of her, I'm assuming a recent one as she looked a bit different. I truly have not seen her in almost two years. Now I'm all sad. It's pathetic.

I've never had this sort of reaction with any ex. For some reason I miss that awful person. I'm an idiot haha That's all.

No problem at all.  This is a process and it takes time.  Hopefully everything works out and please continue asking questions as they arise!

Great list!

Some of the red flags we often overlook are:
1) Is there a genuine connection or are we being love bombed to be taken advantage of later?
2) They do not do well in close relationships and abuse the people closest to them while working hard to maintain a positive image to the outside world.
3) Relationships are transactional. So when they need you, they are around. There can be several cycles of discard and then coming back to get their needs met.

Some of the green flags are:
1) They do not need to impress others and will let you know when they disagree with you on issues important to them. I truly believe a person does not become a friend until we can respectfully disagree with each other, try to learn from our differences.

2) They are pretty much the same decent person with everybody. They have integrity and and an integrated personality that does not suddenly change on the spur of the moment due to the circumstances and people they are around.

Thank you for your perspective and yeah that's basically what I have tried doing try to show I am there but at the same time not try to be too much definitely hard to balance but I hope for the best. She started texting again so that is something at least.

dear everyone,

i've been a caregiver for my wife since her first psychotic break in 2015. since then she's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1), histrionic personality disorder, and the latest, bpd, around two years ago.

each psychotic break is usually followed or preceded by revelations of a massive trauma which she had kept a secret to everyone.

she takes her meds, abused them several times including a few near-suicide attempts, but absolutely refuses to go to talk therapy, cbt, or dbt. too confronting, she says.

thing is, she also refuses to talk to me about her past, her traumas, her current problems, in order to find a way to at least manage them. according to my own therapist (i'm the one who goes to therapy every 3 weeks!), i have fallen into the trap of working out her problems for her and finding solutions for her, too, to the point that she doesn't feel like she has to do anything.

"ah, that could be because when you were at uni you were xxx", "i see, it must've been your father's helicopter parenting xxx", and so on.

i'm tired. she moved to a new doctor and a totally new medication regiment in the beginning of this year and had most of her old meds canceled since they were mostly sedatives. since then she has started to do house chores (never did any before) but constantly complained not just about them but about everything.

in the morning she would come out of her room and started complaining about random things. most of the time they are similar problems that i can see have their root causes in her traumas, less than ideal behavioral development, anger, etc. but she seems to be oblivious to these causes. or doesn't care at all. she just wants to whinge.

what to do? i am so tired?

Thanks Pete! Yes, that part really is the key. I think it's also the biggest struggle to accept. If it wasn't to do with you, it wasn't your fault. But if it wasn't to do with you, you also weren't special to the BPD - the wonderful romantic story where they idealised you and planned to share a life, a world, has no substance. A bitter pill to swallow.

That's where point 4 comes in.