Hello, dear friend. You arrived here just a few years after I did - and I've been here a long, long time, too long probably.  That you're still together after all these years is a commendable effort on your part but with few rewards.

May I ask what has kept you both together over the years?  Sometimes having children together impels us to feel we must stay together "for the sake of the children".  Is that a factor in your life?  I guess what I'm asking is why you've not chosen a better outcome.

Reminds me of old Proverbs: "A quarrelsome wife is like a constantly leaking roof on a rainy day." and "Better to dwell in the wilderness than with a quarrelsome and irritable wife." - 21:9; 21:19; 25:24; 27:15

Millennia ago we didn't have today's mental health descriptions for such patterns of behavior.  These patterns have existed over the centuries, though with the recent breakdown of societal norms, these days it seems to be much more common than before.

We're here on the Bettering board, so my question is whether you have decided you can't go on suffering like this or are considering whether to continue limping along in an unequal relationship?  It's obvious the other will not improve their disparaging and disrespectful behavior patterns otherwise you would have seen it years ago.

I'm not sure how much more we have to say as new suggestions that we haven't said before.  Please let us know if you have come to Accept there is no more you can do (reference is to the many stages of Grieving a Loss) and need to choose another path to improve your life.

Let me tell you a story... In my youth I many times visited an old man who lived a mile from my home.  Though I quoted many citations from the Scriptures, he was sunk low into feeling there was no hope for him.  By the time I left, he would have come around to feeling much better.  Sadly, on my later visits he would have reverted to the same level of hopelessness, over and over.  (I never knew what he finally did with his remaining years since I thereafter moved to Brooklyn and continued a couple decades of religious volunteer work.)  That said, dear friend, I don't want this feeling of despair to continue to be your lot in life.

..and there lies the true problem because they don't know what they need from one minute to the next so how can we ever be able to anticipate to try and calm the waters?. We can't. Ever. We never know what particular script is about to be played until they're well into it. Like PeteWitsend, I also had the feeling at times that they were creating drama purely for the hell of it and knw what they were doing a lot of the time.

I also found speaking honestly usually just served to confirm their beliefs that they were always in the right and everything was my problem. Any slighty admission or honest confession to a BPD is taken as you admitting every crime under the sun and perfectly feeds their 'I am always the victim' thinking.

I realised after 4 years that nothing I could ever do was going to bring about change and it came down to the simple question 'Do I want this to be the rest of my life?'  My worsening nerves and physical health said 'No'.

I should say that my exBPD would never admit anything was wrong with her and would never have gone to any sort of counselling or sought any treatment.

Sounds like you're arriving at that point in the road where there's no more hope of change or normalcy, and you need to decide how you'll handle this going forward. 

Is your PWBPD diagnosed?  It sounds like you've been aware of the fact that they had a BD for a while, but just now coming to grips with the fact that behavioral disorders are very real and very unlikely to change.

For me, I sort of came upon it the opposite way, where I had tried MC with my then-wife twice, and had tried to accommodate her requests and demands, only to be met with more demands, which were often inconsistent with what she claimed was what initially upset her.  I was really perplexed, because all the advice I read about being a good partner, and resolving conflicts within a marriage, when followed just lead me in circles.  It seemed like she was hell bent on creating conflict for its own sake, and yet when I read about things, went to counseling with her, and eventually counseling for myself, the answers I would receive were unhelpfully along the lines of "No, people don't just act like that, you must not be really listening to her."

Learning about BPD - whether or not that's what she was, or some combination of BPD, NPD, and ASPD - helped me make sense of the situation for the first time.  I had already more or less accepted the situation was hopeless, and now I could understand why. 

I think for you, some radical acceptance could help you see the path forward, namely accepting that this is what your partner is like, and this is how they will always behave.  Knowing that, what do you plan to do about it?  Consider your options, and the paths forward with each. 

For me, taking some actions, even if the went nowhere in the short term, helped me deal with the hopelessness of the situation.  In my case, I decided to end it, but it was hard because we had a kid together, and owned a home that she could not afford to keep on her own.  Just planning and thinking of how to unwind all this and separate successfully provided a mental escape and relief for  me.  As did some of the steps I took: getting my own checking account for emergency funds, getting a storage unit to start moving personal belongings into, etc.   

I think you will be OK, because, you have held to a boundary of what you value.

While my perspective is from the child's- it's not only about the children. Your kids will grow up and have their own lives. They would want you to also have a partner you are happy with if you choose someone for that.

A partner who is emotionally stable would not put you in a situation that would compromise your kids or your relationship with them. You saw where this situation would do that, and so held that boundary.

What happened over your Disney plans was not a one time issue. This was after a series of issues between the two of you. The subsequent verbal abuse showed you another side of her disorder and the impact it can have on you and your kids.

I say you will be OK, because if you continued in this dynamic, I think it would have an emotional impact on you and your kids.

So she was silent for 2 weeks.  Then reached out to my family member asking if she wanted to hang out sometime.  Interesting. 
Then the next Friday she texted me that she saw me driving and got mad when I didn’t respond for an hour and said “so much for being cordial with me”.
Then the following Saturday she texted me that she wishes we would have worked out.
Then Monday texted me that she felt so alone and was struggling being a mom on her own. Tuesday texted me again checking to see if my family was okay after a storm.
Then went quiet for 6 days and the following Monday she messaged me that she saw a family member of mine somewhere running. 
Then Tuesday texted me that the gym’s AC was off and proceeeded to chat with me for the next 4 hours.

I want her back and am wondering if I should chase or not. 

Hi to all you good folks!
Though I am in a much better place now compared to
my first posts some 10 years ago, I just realised how living with my ubpd wife has changed me.
I learned intuitively quite early, before discovering this community, how to handle my wife and how to
adjust to this kind of relationship.
But couple of days ago I had a moment of self realisation when I have realised that more and more I am
becoming the man I act to be in order to keep things as quite as possible here in our home, especially when our 16yo son is close.
If anyone had a similar realisation and has some
insights or helping words I would truly appreciate it.

We're sorry to hear this but it is not a surprise.  Relationships with a seriously disordered person are to a varying extent dysfunctional and easily are and can become unhealthy.

We speak of using a three-legged stool for our stability... (1) trusted family & friends, (2) local counseling and (3) peer support.  All three can help you recover and maintain your equilibrium.

Meaningful therapy for the person with BPD or similar acting-out* traits is vital.  Your ex ought to avail herself of mental health resources but sadly many disordered people resist therapy since it is so hard for them to face their issues.  The Blaming, Blame Shifting, Projections and other unproductive actions feel easier to them.

* acting-out = harmful to others too

Rape is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.  If this was with a prior relationship and there is no substantiating evidence then the question arises whether this is a matter of her perceptions after a relationship ended (horribly in her feelings).  You may never know the reality.

The common BPD perception is that all ended relationships were bad and the worst ever.  Even the new wonderful relationship is perceived as horrible once the early adoration phase is past.

The patterns we see here can vary.  Often commented upon are the abandonment issues and subsequent retaliation overreactions.  Sometimes the person with BPD traits (pwBPD) finds the relationship too difficult and abandons the other before the other can abandon them.  What we also see here are the cases where the pwBPD drives the other away, forcing the other away.

Human traits vary from person to person.  Each one of us is different from another person.  That's what makes us different from robots off an assembly line.  That's all good and positive.  But still there are norms which make relationships not only possible but functional and enjoyable.  Drift - or leap - too far away from functional normalcy and those same traits become dysfunctional, unhealthy, even somewhat dangerous to others.

Since oftentimes there is little lasting positive impact on the pwBPD's perceptions and life choices, we have to decide what Boundaries and decisions we ourselves have to make in response to the poor and/or negative behavior.  And if the other resists or is unresponsive to therapy, too often it comes down to the stark decision to protect ourselves and the children.

Just tell them she isn't able to come and then just go. No more needs to be said. They may wonder why she isn't coming but as soon as they get to Disney, they are going to have the time of their lives. You are the one with the history of an adult romantic attachment to her. They don't have this attachment. They are more attached to you as their father. She may be fun for them, they may like her and want her to come along- at about the same maturity as they'd want Mickey Mouse to come with them too- and they will see Mickey. You don't have to worry about them in this sense.

They can't understand your perspective. Maybe I'd have felt like they would if I only saw the "good" side of my mother like they've seen the short term good side of your ex. However, I have been on family trips where BPD mother did not manage well. On a family trip, 24/7 with kids all hopped up on excitement, snacks, Disney excitement, they won't be little angels. I've done Disney with kids and sometimes they have melt downs from the stimulation, being tired, while still also having the best time. This may not sit well with BPD ex. What you are doing is protecting their Disney trip from seeing the side of her that you see now.

In addition, there won't be the kind of dynamic and drama with your ex that takes attention away from the kids. My best memories of Dad were when we were alone with him. When BPD mother was there too- she needed a lot of attention and Dad's attention was on her. Sometimes there was drama during the trip. Dad was also was  more relaxed, less tense when he was with us and she wasn't along.

This is a chance to have an amazing time with your kids and an unforgettable good memory ( we have both good and not good memories of family trips) for all of you. That she isn't coming could be a big plus overall. You don't have to worry about her and can do only kid stuff and so do that - all of it- get the ears, the T shirts ( you can order from Amazon ahead and bring them much less costly than at the park, take lots of pictures. Go on all the rides, see the shows- do all the kid stuff and give them your undivided attention. You all will have the best time.