This is great that your girlfriend has been honest about her diagnosis and that she is attending therapy. I would also be interested to know what type of therapy she is getting because standard therapy / counselling is unlikely to help and can sometimes make things worse.

She is lucky to have someone so dedicated to supporting and learning about BPD and 'improving yourself to be the best partner for her'. I would encourage you to be aware of this though that you don't end up sacrificing yourself for the relationship and her difficulties. This is something I could see myself slipping into to prevent any more speed bumps. Although the speed bumps ended up being giant potholes!

Your girlfriend sounds like she knows herself well and that the reactions that come with BPD can cause a lot of pain to those close to her. So her fear is likely not irrational. She probably is going to have volatile episodes and say or do hurtful things. Have you asked her what a volatile episode usually looks like and how best you can navigate it when it does happen? The nature of BPD is a push / pull dynamic. It's the fearful avoidant attachment pattern - I want you close but when you get close I need to push you away.

My husband's fear wasn't expressed but I'm sure it was something he felt inside. I guess he dealt with it by marrying me in the hope that the legal connection would override any fear of hurting me and ultimately me leaving. If he'd have expressed that fear we would have had more to work with.

I really hope you can work through this together

I went through that as well recently.  On Father's Day, my BPD daughter wrote a long post about how her father is always there for her and such a wonderful human.  She was posting about my BPD ex-wife's new husband though, not me. 

At first, it did cut like a knife.  But as I processed it from her perspective, I'm not active in her life (mostly by choice and distance, I live far away).  Yet when I visited recently, she reached out and came to see me often.  That reminded me that what she thinks in the moment is based on her feelings in the moment- she didn't post about her step-dad to hurt me.  It's just how her brain works at times and her honest opinion right then.

I've had my BPD kid call me a dead-beat dad and all sorts of things.  But I know the truth and so does everyone else in my family.  That's just one of those things I have zero control over and I let it go.

I can admire her being up front about her issues and concerns, something that is often denied and hidden.  Might she be preparing you to accept future incidents as though they were out of her control?  Or, in other words, is she trying to tell you that such incidents should be viewed as "two steps forward but one step back"?  Something to ponder.

I've often noted that conflict with people with BPD traits (pwBPD) is often reported reduced due to the lessened contact - and distance apart - so the question is posed, How might the relationship fare when the distance apart is less?

Often observed here is that ongoing therapy is essential, applied meaningfully in life, perceptions and behavior.  Be reminded that even meaningful therapy is not a cure.  BPD exists on a spectrum and very likely therapy will be necessary for years to come, perhaps even life-long.

Does she have a therapist who is capable of addressing Borderline patterns and does she apply the insight and "mindfulness" in her life?  Saying one thing is somewhat easy, actually doing it over a lifespan is so much harder to accomplish.

Only you can decide whether the long term outcome - and whatever costs may come with it - is one for you to choose.

Thank you for your responses.  I said I am not protecting her reputation because I have been very hurt by her lately and I’m tired of making excuses for her. I said to people that she chose not to come to my birthday and my mom’s funeral.  I said this because I was hurt and mad.  I am not quite sure how to navigate this, but will keep reading and asking.  It does make me very sad to hear of your estrangement.  Especially missing grandchildren.  This disorder is just so heartbreaking.   I hope you’re ok…

I have been practicing self care and that is helpful. Recently, I became aware of Facebook posts in which she described me as narcissistic, said I only pretended to want to be her mother, and portrayed me as abandoning her. She also praised other relatives for providing love and support.

My mother died on September 22, so this is happening during a very fresh period of grief. She was my closest confidante and always listened. Losing that support while dealing with this conflict has been especially difficult. The timing of her social media posts is really hurtful but I am doing my best to stay positive.

Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

Hi,

I know the above is hard to write, but I get it, I really do.  I almost reached a similar conclusion with the pwBPD in my life.  She made multiple suicide attempts, she hated life, she hated herself and everyone in the world, she was miserable and making her family miserable, she was using illicit substances and messing up her thinking even more.  Nothing we did seemed to make any difference, and I realized, there's nothing I can do to make it any better.  That's the truth.  You can't force someone else to be happy, to try, to take responsibility for their own life, to change for the better.  After all, she says it's hopeless.  She gave up, but she expects you not to give up too?  It's just so messed up.  Resentment is a sure sign that you're trying harder on your pwBPD's life than she is.

I guess I realized, I can't make it better, but I CAN make it not worse.  I can keep the lines of communication open, for whenever she decides to reach out.  I can offer to help, but I respect her choice to refuse it.  She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants, as long as she's not trying to hurt me.  If she starts talking about suicide, we'll dial 911 or take her to the hospital, because we're not equipped to deal with suicidal threats or gestures.  Maybe she'll refuse the help, but maybe she won't, and that's her choice.  I just don't make it worse, and I'm protecting myself, knowing that I did what I could to get her help when she needed it.

All the best to you.

Hi PlanB,

I really feel for you.  I imagine you moved in with your mom, partly out of guilt, mostly out of a sense of responsibility for her, and partly because you thought there was no other way to help but to move in.  But now that you're living with her full-time, it's just unbearable for you.

My guess is that your mom loves to exert financial control over you, perhaps by making promises--for free housing, for an inheritance, whatever.  In my experience with BPD or NPD, any "deals" they propose have one thing in common:  the idea that YOU make sacrifices or investments up front, while their obligations are in the distant future.  Sure, in the moment they MIGHT have the intention of fulfilling their obligations, but the second that something doesn't go the way they want, bam, the deal dissolves, even if it's written down--she'll just rip the thing up.  PwBPD just aren't "reliable" in my experience; their moods are too fickle, and they twist fact patterns and try to convince you that the history (and deals) were something else entirely.  I've found that pwNPD are even trickier, because they demand that YOU follow strict rules, but they are exempt because they believe they're special.

Anyway, my general advice about making "bargains" with pwBPD (or NPD) is to avoid making any investments or sacrifices that you aren't prepared to lose; and you need to assume that the pwBPD won't follow through on their commitments.  In other words, keep your expectations low.  If they do follow through, well then that's great, icing on the cake.  Meanwhile, if you do make investments or sacrifices, you do them for YOU.  Maybe you want to help your mom because you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't.  Does that make sense?  In other words, your decisions need to put you first and foremost.

Now, about you.  You're only 61, you have many great years ahead of you.  It sounds to me that right now, you feel your mom has all the control over you, but I want to tell you, that's just because she's wearing you down, making you feel exhausted and hopeless.  It sounds to me like you need to take a break.  I'd say, you need to get out of the house a bit.  For me, that usually involves taking walks, in nature whenever possible.  But I have all sorts of little routines of self-care that made me feel good--I basically have a "menu" of self-care options from which I choose, depending on my mood or time of day.  My "menu" of simple acts of self-care generally includes exercise (walks, gym, stretching, trip to the beach), quiet time (bath, reading, sewing, cup of tea, crosswords), learning (reading, foreign language study), social connection (calling a friend or family member, setting up coffee/lunch dates) and escape (trip to the library, quick errand).   Because I'm not just a family servant, I'm not always required to put my needs last.  I mean, if I don't put my needs first, who else is going to?  Sadly, the answer is probably nobody.  I'm just trying to say that YOU deserve to put yourself first sometimes, and you have to make that happen, because you deserve it!  Sure, your mom might have a conniption fit, because she's used to you being her slave and punching bag, but you go ahead and let her have her fit, just put her in an adult time out, while you take care of you.

Hi NTWMever,

Once my udd gave all her birthday gifts from her father away to a local charity shop/goodwill shortly after her birthday because she had fallen out with him.She was ateenager at the time and although I thought the behaviour was a little extreme she has repeated it many times even getting rid of all the items brought for my grandchildren from my son and his wife. It comes from us being devalued. You have been given the items back because she is removing you from her life and she doesnt want a reminder of you. 

I have sent birthday cards to my grandchildren throughout the estrangement with my grandchildren and it was recently confirmed that my grandchildren had never recieved even 1 birthday card from me. I knew this had a good chance of happening so I made sure   to take pictures of each card before sending so I can show them later if they ever ask.

I dont think you should tell peope about your dd;s diagnosis out of respect and especially if she hasnt accepted the diagnosis herself and if you are hoping for a reconcillation in the future.  I also find it easier if anyone asks to simpify things about my udd's behaviours rather than talking about personality disorders.

Iam 6 years estranged from my udd and I have to be honest that I have never felt mentally better in my whole life. Iam done with chasing a have a relationship with someone who doesnt want to have one with me. I think I have suprised her. Because I now have grandchildren I think that she expected me to keep chasing her. The last time I went to her home in the hope to see my grandchildren she turned me away at the door and I knew then and there that it would be the last time I would go there. I have left the stress , anxiety and anticipation of trying to even have a civil relationship with my udd behind and now see it for what it was....It was A very Toxic and Abusive relationship.

You are not legally responsible for being your mother's caregiver. While you feel stuck, and financially it would be difficult- unless you signed something like a contract to care for her or your name is on a lease, you could, hypothetically, make another arrangement. It would not be wise to just leave without a plan it but it may be something to work towards.

It sounds to me like when you decided to move to be your mother's caregiver- you weren't fully aware of what this could be like, but now that you have moved, you have seen a bigger picture.

This isn't as much about her than about your own safety. With her PD's she's going to have these behaviors. However, if it is at the point of causing you harm- financially, your security, then you need to be protective of that. If she is going to set the situation up to where you are financially trapped and have nothing- this is not a safe situation to stay in.

While you may have moved according to a goodwill agreement with your mother- that you act as caregiver, and then she would leave the house to you, you see now that she is not reliable, that she changes her will, and may even use money as a form of control. Seeing that your mother can and would do this is distressing, because we don't imagine a mother doing this. One phrase that resonates with me is Maya Angelou's - when someone shows you who they are- believe them.

I don't know what resources are available, but being on Medicaid, you may also be eligible for other assistance- possibly housing, legal, social work. While choices may be limited- it is good to know your options. Staying positive for you may be that you are working towards an alternative situation for yourself. You will feel less anxious about what your mother would do if there was another plan in place.