It sounds like your kid is a bit more regulated than most. I've tried this and it backfired entirely. An example, I drive a moderately lifted SUV. I opened the door for her every time, and almost every time I would give her a little boost into her seat. This time I was holding our to go boxes from lunch, couldn't boost her. That turned into me being mad at her, thoughts of me pulling back and not caring, etc. I tried to explain that it was nothing like that . . . But no, I got ignored, silent treatment, then an hours long verbal lashing at home that night.
Hi there,
I'm sorry that the constant reassurances don't seem to work with your loved one. It sounds to me like she's excessively dysregulated, and she can't hear anything you have to say. Even if she listens, her brain is going to interpret your meaning the wrong way when she's like that--she'll probably find that you're being argumentative and invalidating. That's why you'll see on these boards a recommendation not to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain. Her emotions are overpowering, they have hijacked her brain in that moment.
Anyway, when your wife is accusing you of being mad at her, and generally not supporting her enough, it may be a projection of her own anger and resentment. On the other hand, it's very possible that she's just trying to pick a fight, so she can unleash her pent up anger onto you. My guess is she's looking for "evidence" of ill treatment, even if there was none intended. You see, she wants to bolster her narrative of being victimized, mistreated and disliked, to keep her identity of unfortunate/unloved/abused(?) woman intact. She might experiment with new evidence on a daily basis--accusing you of not helping her in the car, not paying attention to her, pulling away, whatever. Deep down she probably knows she's being unreasonable--she'll stonewall you whenever you try to defend yourself, and probably give you the silent treatment for a while--but eventually her feelings become overpowering, compelling her to air her grievances, and maybe get a false confession or concession out of you in the process. After a time of not getting attention from you because of her self-imposed silent treatment, she decides to make a scene, to unleash her anger and reclaim your attention. Throwing a fit is perversely working for her, even if it seems to make both of you miserable.
The pwBPD in my life would similarly "manufacture" grievances out of seemingly nothing. One example was accusing a beloved aunt of mistreating her and being condescending. Why? Because the aunt offered her niece some water! The next day, the niece "tested out" this grievance with a nasty text: How dare you treat me like a baby! Like I couldn't get water all by myself! But the more she ruminated about the water, the more dysregulated she became, and she ultimately threatened violence, as well as cut her aunt completely out of her life (an amped-up version of the silent treatment you describe). But since I knew what else was going on in her life, I understood that the water incident had nothing to do with water, and everything to do with an unrelated disappointment. The day after her visit with her aunt, the pwBPD in my life found out she didn't get the career break that she wanted. She felt incapable, desperate, unable to cope as an adult should. And she took out all her anger on her poor aunt, with the "trigger" being treated like a "baby." This was all just projection of her own obsession and ill thoughts about being "stuck" living like a teenager and not getting what she wanted. Maybe it was equal parts projection and deflection. Anyway, this negative and distorted thinking pattern, combined with a compulsion to let out misplaced anger, and the general maladaptive means of coping with stress and disappointments is very typical of BPD in my experience. My strong opinion is that daily marijuana exacerbates the situation.
Anyway, you mentioned quiet BPD. I understood that people with "quiet" BPD tend to blame themselves most of the time. Their anger tends to directed more inward than outward. I think the pwBPD in my life fits the petulant BPD subtype, characterized by high irritability, intense mood swings, high demandingness/neediness, lots of anger and misplaced blame, and passive-aggressive behaviors.
Hope that perspective with lived experience helps.



and was disappointed that we (her family)werent happy or excited by this news. I remember it being a weird time as dd didnt want my support and only wanted to do anything baby related in secret and only had time for her b/f and friends.