Hi!  You have already received such helpful information!  I, too, have an adult daughter (26 years old) who cut ties with me, her father, sister and nieces....I have moments of hope, moments of doubt (I love that those were recognized); I have researched BPD (a very good book is Walking On Eggshells); I found a therapist who specializes in parents of young adults with BPD! For me, the biggest hurt, is accepting JOY, I feel guilty feeling joy when my daughter does not speak to me!  I very much hope your situation improves, however, I just want to say, that I understand the PAIN, disappointment and they refer to it as "grieving someone still alive"; feel free to reach out, if you like

Thank you both. I know you know what I’m talking about. That alone helps. And your words are wise. No shame in being human. 

I think even when we work at being less emotionally reactive to the things our BPD relatives say, we are still human, we still have feelings. There were several times I was in tears over something BPD mother said.

The difference was in how I responded to her. By not responding in a reactive way, it lessened the drama between us. That didn't mean I didn't cry- I did at times.

Another difference was that- there were also times when what she said didn't bother me as much, but keep in mind- we are human, it's not an either or. Sometimes it won't bother you, sometimes it will. You can have your feelings.

Good for you.  It's a process, and a very tough one indeed.

I can relate.  For the last few months, my husband stated that he was planning to stop paying for one of his BPD daughter's recurring expenses.  Like you, he informed her of his plans, "After your next birthday, I'm not paying your recurring bill anymore.  You're an adult, it's not appropriate that I continue to pay your expenses.  I'm retired, I can't afford it."

Well, that was the plan, and she reacted in the expected way--with avoidance and cutting off contact with him.  But what has since happened to the plan?  Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and my husband has already walked away from his "boundary"!  He didn't stop paying for one or two months, to gauge how she would react, to see if she would work out a solution herself.  No, he has been walking back his boundary, early:  "Well, I'll still pay for half."  My guess is, he'll be right back to 100% by the time her birthday rolls around.  Why?  He can't stand the guilt, the begging (via her therapist), the ongoing estrangement.  He had declared his plan and gave her a long runway for her to adjust, but when it came down to it, he couldn't hold his boundary--he just can't shut off the ATM.  In her eyes, he's always there to rescue her, and in her opinion, he deserves to PAY retribution for her supposed terrible childhood!  Meanwhile, she feels entitled to live beyond her means.  And he's trying to buy her love back.

That's why, sometimes I think the best plan isn't to talk about plans at all, but just to shut off the ATM, or cut up the credit cards so to speak.  If there's a frantic call about new tires for the car:  "I'm not fixing it, it's not my car, and I can't afford to take care of someone else's car, you're going to have to figure it out."

Look JsMom, one of the biggest gifts you can give your child(ren) is not to make them to bail you out of financial trouble as a retiree because you didn't save enough for your own retirement.

Hi Mom2,  I'm sorry you are hurting. Grieving our bpd suffering loved one is hard enough alone but when we add guilt it's unbearable. I've tortured myself with guilt when I enjoyed time with my step children as if somehow I was being disloyal to my son. I couldn't enjoy a family holiday because my son wouldn't attend. I wasn't being fair to myself, my step kids and I certainly wasn't helping my son. I've beat myself up with guilt at how I might be responsible for his illness, choices, divorce.  That didn't help me heal, have courage to deal with his bpd or to actually see him for who he is, accept who he is and love him well.
Remind yourself that you haven't closed any doors to your daughter. You aren't being disloyal.  Guilt eases up over time as we learn to let go of it. You are a loving mom.

I think some of the emotional pain you have felt may be wanting her, but also wishing she was different. You can want what you want, and if it's her, then she is who she is- younger and at her age, maybe not ready to settle down. She may want what you have to offer her but also not be emotionally ready, or able, to really settle down, or want to stop the behaviors that get the attention she likes. Still, this is who you want and it's the whole package- the attractiveness, the intensity, and the behaviors are all in one person.

The one way no contact order only works well when one person wants no contact at all, and so there won't be any contact between the two. However, you don't want to be NC and have contacted her. If you're confused about how she is possibly responding via social media, also consider- she's the one with the order- she can't contact you directly. Whether or not the social media what's app means anything- there's no way to know. I think it's understandable to imagine she's in a difficult position with the ban being on her and not able to respond even if she wanted to.

At this point there's no knowing what she's thinking, or wants until you can communicate with her directly. She still has her own choice with this, and there's no way to make someone want a relationship. All you can do is to reach out to her when her NC order is lifted. She may fear facing consequences for breaking it. However, a few months of no contact is not the same as doing work in therapy. The most likely outcome is that she's going to have the same behaviors.

Ah, guilt.  We all experience it in some form or another, now and then, more so at the start when it seems to leave us in a quandary.  Here on these forums mention is often made of BPD "FOG" ... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

If we don't get a handle on the guilt, the negative feelings become overwhelming.  And it can enable other people to manipulate us and make things worse.  That is, of course, unhelpful.  Time to Accept "what is" in your life and in your power, not what we wish.

Another thought is that when you feel overly guilty, you're allowing someone else to rent space in your head, for free.  Yes, this is serious but you can take another look at your circumstances and gain a better perspective, a healthier, more productive one.

Hi Hopeful,

You've come to the right place.  Ordinarily I'd write a long reply, as your post touches on many themes:  behavior that spoils vacations and happy moments, creating a convoluted victim narrative, rewriting history, cutting off contact, threats, blaming, therapy, sibling dynamics, operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, the works.

I'd suggest that you take a look at some of my prior posts, which explain some of these themes.  I think if you click on my name (CC43), you can click through to my recent posts.

But I see some reasons for hope:  You have a diagnosis; at least you and your daughter know what you're dealing with.  BPD is treatable, provided your daughter wants to make some changes for the better.  And your BPD daughter isn't living with you full time, which gives you a break, as well as makes it increasingly difficult for your daughter to continue to blame you for absolutely everything wrong in her life.  Maybe she's functioning reasonably well as an adult (job, education, living independently, maintaining friendships)--if she is, that's huge.

Maybe you're relieved to take a break from your daughter's nastiness.  But you're also worried sick about her, right?  And you can't help but feel some guilt--about how you raised her, about how your relationship is going.  We get that.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise, no matter how hard she tries to create a narrative of a terrible, abusive childhood.  In my experience, that's classic BPD, and it's a deflection from her current issues.

All my best to you.

I appreciate the encouragement and also the words of caution. Yes, my son has been and can be a bully at times. Before I spoke to my son I read many of the tools and skills in the library.  One was about what not to say such as the word BUT. We'll I used it. He said BUT! Now you're going to say BUT. He was dramatic and  I almost felt like laughing (I didn't) I did clap my hand over my mouth. It felt good to have that break from intensity. I coulda shoulda done things differently BUT I learned a lot. And I feel a strength from doing it. My old MO wasn't arguing,  it was freezing and being scared and placating.
I'll be starting a new thread about holding my boundary and the fears I have. Thank you both.

My younger kid knows about BPD and is doing a good job of not getting triangulated into the middle of it all