Hi!  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Unfortunately, I have been there, and its horrible.  My H and I have been married for 8 years, and while some days its horrible and I want to scream, looking back overall, it has gotten drastically better with me setting strong boundaries and working the tools.  I have 2 kids from a prior relationship, my uBPDh had one child from a prior relationship and we have 2 together.  My oldest son, who is the oldest of the 5 kids, took the brunt of my uBPDh's crap early on in our relationship.  If my H wasn't coming at me, he was going at my oldest son.  I always did everything that I could to protect my son, but it wasn't enough as the crap still kept going at him and I think that it was even harder on him to see someone who he had looked up to, hurting his mom.  Same as you, my H was sure that my oldest was trying to harm the other kids.  Though reality was that he was a kid being a kid.  To this day, the rest of the kids love and look up to my oldest.  But...it was really hard on my son, to the point that one day, I walked in on my son cutting himself.  He had hit a wall and couldn't take it any longer.  At this point, my uBPDh and I were living separately, but were still seeing each other close to daily.  I took my son to my therapist and we agreed that he didn't ever have to be in the presence of my H.  I followed that agreement, and even told my H that my son needed space.  I think that event made me realize how much this effected the kids and that I needed to do something.  I dove deep into myself, thought I set boundaries and started to understand the tools, but while I believed I was doing everything to "walk away" during the crap onslaught, I was still engaging, yes to a lesser level, but not where I needed to be.  Thus, we continued on the roller coaster for a bit, but with the ups and downs not being so big.  My thing at the time was to walk away whenever my H would start in.  One day that escalated my uBPDh and an event happened and I screamed for someone to call 911.  My oldest did without question. Long story short, this was the catalyst for me to realize that I needed to put me and my children first.  I set strong boundaries, worked the DBT tools, set up a great life for my kids, did all I could to continue normalcy for them and encouraged them to be around friends often.  I truly walked away from the drama and will not allow it to come anywhere near my kids.  My H and I are still married, though he has a townhouse he can go to when needed, and things are improving.  He is in mandated therapy.  He knows that he can not cross my line or I will follow through with what I have said/shown.  I do text his mom and sister at times, but it is only to send happy pictures of the kids or wish them a happy holiday.  I got them involved in the past and it never proved to help me, it only hurt the situation.  I have decided that that portion of our lives is in the past, he tries to go there, and I will not join.  I will put on a smile and ask the kids if they want to go get ice cream.  This hasn't happened in a while, but if he wouldn't let me take the kids, then I would get out a board game or play peek a boo with an infant, anything to distract my kids, and in turn myself.  What I have realized is that I love my husband, I love my kids and I need to love me (my husband's wife and my kid's mom) so that I can be there for them.  I will not allow screaming, accusations, violence, etc around me or any of the kids.  Start in and we will leave, I will ask you to leave or I will call 911.  I do forgive way more of my husband than I probably should with time, but in the moment it is not acceptable.  With this, I have been able to protect my kids.  My oldest is in high school and is taller than both my H and I.  He and my H have a relationship that they have created on their own.  They don't interact much, but they do have moments where they will joke around together or one or the other will ask if the other wants to do something.  Its evolving, but that never would have happened if I hadn't put my foot down with true boundaries.

Remember that confirming a mental illness exists is much different from her actually being ready to deal with what she's learned.  If you can, hold off on sharing your feelings in depth because nothing good can come of it.  Why?  Because it confirms every fear she's ever had related to the mental illness- she's not good enough, she's a problem, etc.  That's exactly why she lashes out in the first place, because of the way it makes her feel and she wants to blame someone else instead.  So confronting her directly about being a "lousy wife" will not lead to where you think it will lead...it would likely be the exact opposite.

 

This sort of play straight into what I was just saying.  In two instances, your wife thought one thing while you meant something else.  I can see how frustrating that would be.  I think you need to see it a level deeper though about what's actually happening.

For instance, you paid your wife a compliment "You're one of my favorite people."  Somehow, she took that the wrong way and it really hurt her feelings.  I think you did the right thing, you took some space and talked about it calmly later on.  And I also think you're right for not apologizing if she's really one of your favorite people.  You paid a compliment and she just didn't get it.

However, you should always apologize for hurting her feelings...that's a different thing and that's tied directly to her mental health problems.  With the BPDs in my life, I say in every conversation at some point, "I'm really sorry if that upset you and I didn't mean it that way at all.  What I meant was that I really like spending time with you (or whatever)."

Can you see the difference?  If you're not trying to insult your wife and she gets insulted anyway, what's the harm in saying, "I'm so sorry, that's not what I meant at all.  I would hate it if someone else made me feel that way."  That diffuses the situation directly.


Don't feel guilty and don't placate either.  You're dad, she's mom, and both of you have a child to care for.  That's just something she has to get over and you should not feel guilty.

At the same time though, given what we've just talked about, can you see where an apology here might help?  Not for her having to be a parent, not for her having to do something outside her normal routine, but for her feelings being hurt over something that's pretty silly.  Again, this all comes back to feelings- we soothe feelings to keep things from going to extremes.

I hope that helps!

Yikes, this is a very bad situation, and you need some help.

Some thoughts:

- This is a bad situation for all the children involved.  Really bad. 

- You're letting him drag you down into the mud with him.  I understand your side, and why you're upset, but when you're getting involved in screaming/swearing, and that sort of back and forth with his mother and him, you're contributing to the hostility and making the situation worse.

- I would talk to my kids and let them know you understand the situation is not great, listen to how they feel about it, and let them know you're listening. 

- He's unlikely to leave on his own - they never do.  Decide what you need to do, and make a plan; it's likely not going to resolve itself anytime soon, but you need to think long term here, and consider things a month at a time. 

An emotion dump and an unclear need for guidance on this situation.

We have been having discussions our relationship and her behaviors.  She finally admitted that she has it, but hasn’t been formally diagnosed.  She wasn’t ready to hear my thoughts and feelings on how she made me feel.  I want to be open with her and tell her how hard she has made it for me and how I am having a difficult time fully trusting her, because of the manipulation, isolation, splitting, etc…. I do want to share with her how awful she made me feel and how I did not want to be around her, because how much she hurt me.

Yesterday the CMO took her out for coffee and how she felt bad that they drifted apart and my Wife made the comment on how it wasn’t the CMO, but my wife’s own isolating.  I was happy for her and giving her compliments on how she is a great person, people like you and I made the comment, “you are one of my favorite people.”  This comment derailed the whole conversation.  She felt hurt by my comment and how it was “middle school’, like you are one of my best friends, but I have others”.  I made it clear it was not a slight, but I refused to apologize.  It was escalating and she wanted me to apologize for making her feel that way.  She took time for herself and we were able to talk later on it calmly.  I told her it was similar to the way she always thinks I am smelling her, because she thinks she has a bad odor, when I am only breathing.  It seemed to have made sense to her, how that statement was layered with nothing negative and me breathing from my nose is me oxygenating. 

This morning she seemed unsettled and annoyed.  The weather is rainy, her period is coming, tomorrow is her last day at her old job and it is day before my colonoscopy; I will be stuck on the toilet most of the day.  She herself claims not to be feeling well and avoidant of responsibilities for work and our son.  She told work she is “working from home”. I can feel the resentment building up, because I am unavailable for today and most of tomorrow.  She will also have to take care of our son alone in the morning.  She hasn’t taken him alone in the morning for almost a year.  I get made to feel guilty for being sick or having medical issues.

We tend to give them too much power by knuckling under to "keep the peace" or walking on eggshells around them, but it's revealing when you get these insights into their worldview and realize how delusional they are, and how they believe their own B.S.

I had an unpleasant interaction with my ex recently because she skipped some of my D's sports practices and didn't respond to some comments from the coach.  I texted her asking if she was going to take her to her games this weekend, and she responded with this rant about how "everyone" was mad at me, and last Thursday the coach talked to me about some forms that needed to be signed (not true at all; I didn't even speak to him that day). 

I just wondered what the hell was going through her head... does she think she's fooling me?  Like I wouldn't remember something like that?  Just pathetic how incapable they are of taking any accountability.  In her mind, it doesn't matter if our daughter's things are taken care of, as long as she doesn't get blamed for anything. 

It's nice to not have to respond.  I reached out to the coach to confirm whether we needed to do or sign anything, and got a very different story than what BPDxw was telling me...

I’m so sad about the pain my ubpd sibling is in. I know I can’t change it but I guess when they weren’t feeling let down by me and we were really in each others lives I did feel like I might be helping a little bit. I’m having trouble with the change.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062301.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

I completely agree- why would I divorce someone who pays my bills and I barely ever see them...plus they don't seem to mind that I'm being unfaithful?  If that were my character and values (which is deplorable), I would never want to divorce.

This will be up to you to decide how to proceed and how much to tolerate.  Since there's kids involved, that complicates matters greatly and you have to figure out what to do when your wife wants the kids to spend time with the new partner.  If it hasn't happened yet, it's probably coming.  And I think that's where I'd draw a line in the sand- you and your friend aren't bad-mouthing me to the kids, changing their life values, and ultimately messing up their lives.

This has so many different ways to go sideways, so enjoy the peace while you can.  I think it's like a mirage in the desert....you think you're walking towards water, but it's actually quicksand.

What you initially feared (her seeking a GF) has turned out to be a reprieve for you. I agree- don't expect it to last. IMHO, this is one more external "seeking solutions" for her emotional distress and she's in the early "highs" of a new relationship. But you know the outcome this pattern.

That she isn't helping at home isn't really much of a change. Seems like a small trade off for the time to yourself.

This probably doesn't need to be said- but don't reciprocate by you also finding someone. That would be chaos and drama.  Use the emotional space to reconnect with yourself and your kids. Also keep in mind that with BPD the "rules" apply to you but not to them. She would perceive it as a huge betrayal, even if she's doing it herself.

Wife with GF is an unconventional solution (and not likely to last) but it has given you a break from the chaos. It's a possible "exit" for you as it could be a deal breaker but, IMHO, only if you were to take action, and you'd have to decide on that if it were to happen.

Your wife now has what she imagines is the best of both worlds- your financial support, a family, a GF on the side, and no responsibilities at home. She would have no incentive to change this.

I'm so sorry dad got bad test results.  It's heartbreaking and I agree with you- now is not the time to worry about the other stuff.  It's all silly anyway compared to what your parents are facing right now.  I hope and pray your dad finds the right course of treatment to overcome this.