Absolutely, it is maddening and it's so hard to know which way is up when your partner is disordered and just wanting to fight about something.  I lived that as well.

Just know that how I felt a few weeks after breaking up was very different than how I felt a few months later, or even a few years later.  You're so close to this right now that it feels like it's worth fighting for...which is normal.  If you love someone, you fight for them and forgive them.  But that brings us back to mental illness; he's not fighting for you because in many ways, he was incapable.

Quick glimpse into his thinking.  He's having a terrible day but trying to hide it.  His thoughts are everywhere.  He comes home, starts ranting, and you try to silently back away.  You don't want to do that, not again!  And he senses that.  But instead of thinking what a normal person would think- maybe I'm being overly drammatic, his mind goes the opposite direction and blames you.  How could she not understand how much pain I'm in?  How could she reject me when I'm feeling like this?  What sort of person would look at me that way when I ask them an important question?

Again, mental illness is leading this parade.  His thoughts are jumbled and before long, he's convincing himself that you're going to leave him, that you never cared to begin with.  He can't face rejection, he can't handle it at all, so he sabotages the relationship and either leaves, or forces you to leave.  Why?  Because you can't abandon him if he kicks you out.

This disordered way of thinking drives his every action, defines his entire life.  He's always looking for the slightest hint of a problem and when he sees it (regardless if it's real or not), he fixates on it until he's built a completely different narrative in his head.  One random thought leads to another and before long, what he thinks about the relationship is nothing like the reality before him.  He must fight or flee.

The cheating, the abuse, all the other stuff comes from this cycle.  In his mind, you were the mean one and he did what he had to do in order to survive.  In reality, his own brain was working against him and he was simply running from all the pain.  The problem wasn't you though, it was always within him and that's the scariest thing in the world for him to even consider.

You can absolutely share it here as long as you leave out any identifying information (his name, the new girl's name, etc) or ultra-specific stuff (like locations you went on certain dates, etc).

I never wrote a letter; I considered it after my divorce, and then read some of the accounts here, and recognized that it would just re-open the door to more pointless conflict. The fact that we had nearly divorced a year prior to that, but she begged me to reconsider and I caved, only to have her immediately revert to established behavior patterns once she felt like the threat of divorce had passed, made me see any attempts at having a genuine conversation with her as an exercise in futility.  I knew it was all a game to her... I don't even know if she is capable of having feelings like a normal human would.  For her the truth is whatever she can convince people of, and if you're not trying to manipulate others to do what you want, you're just a sucker and a fool.  

So I concurred with what I read from others here, that any attempt at opening a dialog would just result in the same finger pointing and blame shifting she always engaged in.  So I never wrote a letter, let alone sent one.  

Instead I write here, and hopefully can provide some guidance to other people going through high-conflict, miserable relationships like I did.  I view this as a lot more productive, and a net good for humanity, rather than going in circles with my ex about why everything was my fault actually, and she only yelled and screamed and picked fights with my mom, my aunt, my brother, etc. because of reasons, I never loved her enough, put her first, or [insert baseless, impossible to achieve standard here].  No thanks!

Could I post the letter here and hear your thoughts?
Or is that too personal? I feel as i am lost at sea most days and using this type of message board is new to me as well.

Did you ever decide to send ot after all?

If it does come time to get the lawyers involved, one option might be for the communication be limited to him responding to the lawyers.  One part of a lawyer's job is to protect the clients from pressuring, manipulation and threats.

If it gets to that point, then it may be appropriate for you and/or your mother to seek a protection order.  Hmm, in that case, the distance apart clause may effectively create a "de facto" eviction.

That is an excellent caution.  Do not write anything that could imply that you did something legally objectionable.  There are laws (at least in the USA) that you do not have to incriminate yourself.

Here's a thought... It's probably okay to apologize for hurting the other's feelings.  Last I heard, you can't be found guilty or jailed for hurting someone's feelings, though some countries in Europe seem to be leaning in that direction.

Obviously, after all these years of trying, you can't lead her toward recovery.  She sees too much of a hurdle to truly listen to you due to the immense emotional baggage of the past in your close relationship.  An emotionally uninvolved professional or respected expert is typically the best hope, but there are so many ways she can sabotage that too.


Many of our loved ones in our lives were never diagnosed.  My ex sure wasn't, she refused any recommendations, even when our child's pediatrician tried.

My ex too could flip from one extreme to the other in a flash.  That is typical BPD behavior.  So... don't fret over a diagnostic label.  You've been here for years and we've always agreed that BPD was a strong possibility.  Deal with what patterns you see.

Advice I received was to write a letter, and then hold off on sending it for a decent amount of time, and then come back to it and see if you still want to send it.

The issue is, you're seeking closure for how the relationship went, and want to rectify the mistreatment you likely received, but a pwBPD is not going to see it that way, and is not interested in setting anything straight; sending a letter to them is not going to start a productive dialog, it's just an invitation to continue the same deceptive and disingenuous communication patterns you had during your relationship.  Does that make sense? 

It's like getting back in a hamster wheel and thinking this time running in it might take you somewhere.  It hasn't changed though, you'll still just go around in circles.

Good.  Just consider that at any given moment, she is capable of escalating the situation, since she may understand that her carefully constructed life - of course, built on your back, and effort, and with the burden of housework, child rearing, income earning, etc. all on you - is crumbling. 

In her perception, she may have nothing to lose by acting out and escalating conflict, and everything to gain.  So be careful. 

It's a chess match with a person who considers knocking the pieces off the board a legitimate move.