Is it really that simple... I would have to do some kind of evaluation if it's new enough to discuss or if she's too angry to discuss with. What if she wants to discuss calmly. Do I accept and leave if it becomes ugly, or if it's circular.
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You've been abused and conditioned to focus on your wife's wants, needs, emotions, etc. over literally everything else in your life, including your kids.
At this point, both of your patterns of behavior are pretty well established, and so any attempt to change them and stand up for yourself (and your kids) is going to provoke her. It sounds like she's accustomed to getting her way, no matter how selfish or unfair her demands are, and expects little to no resistance from you.
You have to realize that it's perfectly acceptable to say "No" to her, for any reason or no reason at all, and let her stew. Now, given the dynamic, she's going to react badly to that, and who could blame her? This is the hole you've dug yourself into.
Whether you want to get out of it is up to you, but you're not going to change who she is, or how she behaves. This is always going to be a high-contact relationship; what can change is how you react to it and how you manage it.
Keep in mind your kids are learning from watching this, both consciously and subconsciously, and learning to tailor their own behavior accordingly.


