It is understandable that you are frustrated and angry with all the antics of your mother with BPD. I have a sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) who never stops enlisting flying monkeys. It seems that when we have a disordered person in our lives who refuses to let go and respect our boundaries despite our being low contact or no contact, that are only choice is to limit how much this person rents space in our head. It is just insane that your mother would go to the lengths she does to get a package to you and others who do not want contact with her. The reality is we will likely never understand very well the behaviors of disordered people because the behaviors are so irrational, the actions of a crazy person.

That being said,  I would love to tell her (mom) what I think but I know it would do no good. Like you mentioned, p*ssing in the wind.

I don’t think I’m up for repairing the relationship so likely no sense in saying much to her. Mom is in her 70’s and while I think people of all ages can change, I don’t think SHE can or even wants to. It’s always everyone else’s fault, she won’t get help, and she will become physically abusive if she, as she says, feels pushed and finally loses it. Again, never her fault. There have been 5-10 instances over only the last few years where both she and her BF should live been in jail and for her it’s always assault. For him it’s both that and alcohol issues. She will eventually get angry enough and boom, off she goes, then eventually go back to waify and weepy and blame her physical violence on whoever. Even her dead mother. Never herself. I am convinced she will never change or even attempt to. She hasn’t been to therapy in 18 years and the only time she goes is because of “someone else.”

I understand your frustration, being parentified at a young age and having to walk on eggshells and tolerate these disordered people.

I don't think there's one path to how we work these issues out for ourselves. You are angry- and that is where you are at. There's no one time frame for moving past this, and we can feel what we feel.

While it feels like not JADEing or not telling your mother what you think is something we do for them, it might help to reframe this as something you do for yourself, because, you don't want to put yourself through this- because it just doesn't work. So you can choose to not do something that takes your time and energy, it won't work, and it ultimately would leave you more upset and frustrated.

We are all human and there were times I "lost it" with BPD mother. I compared this to having p*ssing into the wind and having it all come back at you. It didn't register with BPD mother- she dissociated and projected it all back even more.

If we think about why we might JADE, or get angry at someone, it's because we hope to repair the relationship. We also decide how to express our feelings. If we are annoyed at a spouse leaving socks on the floor, we don't fly off the handle at them, but we can say "please pick up your socks, it bothers me to see them on the floor". The expected response is, maybe that spouse feels a bit annoyed but they also don't fly off the handle and they remember to pick up their socks.

For someone with BPD if we say this, they might fly off the handle and still leave the socks on the floor, so speaking to them is useless.

I know this is a trite example but if there's no way to communicate that is effective, then it's frustrating.

However, there ar other ways to relate and that is by actions. One can let the socks stay where they are, pile up, and then the person has no clean socks and may get the message.

Not reacting is an action.  To not JADE is to not react and that decreases the drama. Not engaging in circular discussions, not reacting- because if you do get angry, it shows they can still get a response from you. If they engage through drama, it doesn't give them any.

I think it will help you to reframe not JADEing as something done for you. You do have a voice but that voice is reserved for the people and situations you care about most, and this isn't one of them.

We can't control what someone else does. Anyone can mail a package to someone else. Yes, this is aggravating but you can't control what your mother decides to do. If it were me, I'd treat this like a mail ad or solicitation. We can't control those either. I'd open the package, on the chance there's something in there I might want. If not, depending on what it is, I might donate it, or if it's junk, toss it. Then, not respond at all, or if there's still a relationship- text a "thank you" and then don't engage more than is necessary.