I've nocited that about my BPD daughter as well; when I'm at a distance, I'm the enemy who has wronged her, done terrible things, etc.  She told her mom a few months ago that we don't speak at all anymore.  And that's true in a way; we hadn't talked.  Not because we were on bad terms or anything- I'm just halfway around the world and we're 12 time zones apart.

Last month, I flew back to the US and bought a house- my wife and I should be able to move back soon.  We had a final embassy interview for my wife's green card that got rescheduled, but we're hopeful that we'll complete that soon.  Maybe we'll be back by Thanksgiving or Christmas?  That's our hope anyway.

Anyway, I told my BPD kid that I was coming home for a few weeks and she started calling/messaging regularly.  She visited me on day one and called almost every single day, plus came over several times to help paint or whatever the house needed.  She was helpful, considerate, and pleasant to be around. 

Yet other family members were kind of shocked- you visited your dad?  I thought you didn't speak anymore.

I realize now that this will be a pattern for the rest of my life.  Sometimes we'll be close, sometimes we'll be perceived enemies.  I can't play into that though or allow it to bother me- I need to be the same regardless of the "chatter" I get from others.  I love my kid and want what's best for her.  Whatever she says or does when we're apart has nothing to do with me- I've learned to accept that and things are much smoother these days.

We are in a new month... how is life a few weeks later?  Any progress on that peace bond, perhaps extending it and tweaking it wherever necessary?

One approach of which to beware is that the legal system expects things to get better over time.  The problem in this case is that dysfunctional acting-out personality disorders don't usually get better - usually worse - because intensive therapy is needed to reshape his thinking and perceptions.  That's where the old analogy "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" comes in.  Most courts don't try to "fix" problem parents, they just set boundaries (orders) and hope the "bickering" fades into the background.  But half-measures too often aren't enough.  So it's up to us parents to step up and ensure we walk out with the best (or least bad) outcome possible.

And thank you Foreverdad for your wise words.

Maybe it is the same for me. I don't think I am ready. It sucks to be alone but at least there is no more drama.

Many people who are disordered seem to gravitate toward posed happy photos.  What you can't see in the snapshot is whether they are truly happy or just a façade.  For all you know they could be bickering and periodically fuming at each other.

As for you, just live a good life and don't fret about them.  Not that we seek revenge, but it has been said, "The best revenge is to live a good life."

It is good that you've waited some time before considering a new relationship.  Too often rebound relationships don't start on a solid foundation.  For most here their ex-partners simply jumped into headlong into new relationships, not giving time to recover and reorient internally.

It took me quite a while before I felt I had stabilized.  I noticed that when I met others I was quick to focus too much on "my ex this..." and "my ex that..."  I needed time to find closure and a measure of recovery first.

Yes, this is really hard. I broke uo with my bodgf 6months ago. Now I have a change to start dating a woman I like a lot but I dont know if I can. I worry about my ex and love her. While she is probably having sex with other dudes or just heart broken at home. I would like to call her but I cant.

Spot on Notwendy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. The other is that- your husband, is her father, and he will naturally have the instinct to protect and care for her, and so holding the line between caring and enabling will likely be a challenge for him.

You have done a lot of work on this situation and have a clearer vision. While you do care for your SD, you may not have the same family dynamics or tendencies as her immediate family members do. So you may see some of the pittfals before your H and others do.

I also, having experienced the limitations my own mother had with BPD, feel there's a balance somewhere between what they are capable of doing and our expectations. My own wish is that pwBPD could have access to supported job training but we are not at the point where this is recognized as a need.

So while your SD's job may not be ideal- or considered a major achievement for someone her age who doesn't have BPD- a lower stress job may be a better fit for her, and seeing that she's overwhelmed when starting is confirmation that this may be all she can handle for now, and hopefully it is.

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.

The other day I was thinking about posting an update that would have been a bit of a rant. My adult BPD stepdaughter was basically kicked out of my home around a year ago because she wasn’t working on herself while living with us for free. Since she left my home, she has been mostly estranged from her dad and me, though she had temporarily broken the estrangement when she needed help, such as help with her car, moving and money. But as soon as she got what she wanted, we were re-shunned. Yet we have kept tabs on her through her therapist.

Anyway, I’ve generally thought that getting kicked out was what was best for everyone.  I think my stepdaughter has been doing OK since then, as she got a temporary job (finally) and has been supporting herself, sort of, with less financial assistance.

However, a while back I got upset with her for breaking my trust. She was being sneaky and disrespectful behind my back, and she got upset only because she was caught. I won’t get into specifics, but I’m sad that she’s still pulling stunts like a young teenager, which feels like a step backwards.

But now getting to the current situation. My stepdaughter recently started a new job, the first « career » job and full-time situation ever. Though I personally don’t love the set-up (eg work from home, no benefits, no real company infrastructure), I know she was enthusiastic about it, and honestly that’s a miracle. From the job description I found online, it doesn’t appear to be a very demanding job—in line with receptionist plus routine office duties. I think it’s a good starter role for her actually. And yet, she is completely overwhelmed, so much that she has broken her estrangement from various family members. She has been calling a relative almost daily to vent about the stress with her new job and living situation, and to ask for money. Fortunately, the family member has been extremely supportive and calmed her down, encouraging her to focus, stay on task and not quit. But the relative is concerned that my stepdaughter seems so unhinged and unable to handle any stress.

I guess the good news ids that my stepdaughter finally reached out to her dad to talk about her job stress. They hadn’t spoken in months. And the conversation stayed in the present—she didn’t dredge up past grievances or lash out in hatred. She seemed to listen to her dad’s advice about dealing with new job jitters. Maybe if she can just take things day by day, she’ll be able to hang on and realize she can do it. Fingers crossed.