Max, this sounds incredibly draining, especially with kids involved. It makes sense to focus on keeping yourself and the kids steady rather than getting pulled into the relationship drama.

When safety comes up, I’ve found it helps to take self-harm talk seriously and hand it off to professionals, instead of trying to carry that judgment alone.

Things have been up and down.  As you mentioned, I somehow thought that having kids/family would help stabilize her and give our lives focus.  Despite all I read about BPD and all the warnings from others, that's what I thought.  Before we had kids, things felt more stable and hopeful in many areas - physical relationship, money, shared responsibilities.  Since the kids were born our marriage has turned more into a "managed" relationship.  W has acted more and mor incapable, has become more emotional, and now has more baggage to bring with her.  In other words, life became more serious, and the smaller things that carried little weight suddenly feel like they carry tremendous weight. 

Is the relationship still fulfilling to me?  At times.  But lately it has felt unfulfilling the majority of the time.  Honestly, I'd probably be happier and much less stressed if the r/s were to end in a constructive (non traumatic) way.  That's not because of a lack of love or affection - it's simply a fact that being in a r/s with a pwBPD is inherently stressful. 

Is she a good mother?  At times, very good.  She provides something the kids need, and our kids comparatively speaking are great kids.  But clearly the kids want more from her.  This is another area that has deteriorated with time.  For the first few years, W was more on top of the parenting thing.  Now most of it falls on my shoulders.

That sounds very disturbing, particularly given that it crossed a physical boundary that you had not seen before. The most important thing is how you felt at that time. To continue trusting your instincts, disengaging when necessary, and putting your safety and peace first is a very good idea.

It occurs to me now that he got that T-shirt and wore it in front of you with the exclusive goal of pushing your buttons. So whatever reaction that you had about it would be used as fuel for another outburst.

This is unconscious conflict-seeking behavior.

If he really wanted to embrace that T-shirt logo, he would not want to hide it from his friends. The point is that this T-shirt was specifically chosen with you in mind.

But it's ok that you couldn't ignore it and reacted (by taking a picture), because no one is perfect and everyone has buttons to be pushed.

I wanted to add- check your insurance. Sometimes ambulance isn't covered. Fortunately it was for BPD mother.

Usually pwBPD love having kids because they feel important, especially females. This is because they feel important and get a sense of meaning in this word and feel worthy of love. Therefore, they get the endorphins they need.

At the same time, raising many kids can bring a lot of stress. Actually, for my wife, a single kid made her crazy, because she is unable to get authority over our boy. But since you live with her, you can take care of the stressful part and ask her for help with the rest. If instead of requesting her help you beg for it, she will feel important. Over time, you can make her feel necessary.

By the way, when you came to this board 13 years ago, you didn't have kids, right? So I'm assuming you decided to have a family with her, and you are fulfilled somehow by this relationship? Has she been a good mother? Did things deteriorate with time?

My BPD mother made several suicide threats and at attempts at self harm. Some may have been for  attention but it's not possible to know that.

After my father passed away, we were concerned but none of us live close by to get to her right away. We decided that if we heard her say anything that worried us we'd call 911. It was the best we could do from a distance.

I understand the difficulty in getting actual treatment. Once her doctor called me to tell me he was sending her to substance abuse rehab. I was so hopeful. She stayed two days, signed herself out and didn't go to any follow ups.

Because she remained legally competent, we could not intervene on any of her decisons or behaviors, even if it was for her own best interests.

As much as we wished she could get treatment, she, herself, would have had to consent to it.

I think it helps to consider the goal of calling 911. It may not be possible to get your wife into treatment but it still is getting them to be assessed.

It also took out the reinforcing behavior of our attention to it and it was up to the professionals to assess her. From what I could tell, she didn't do the threats as much, and perhaps this is why.

So even if it doesn't lead to your wife getting treatment, I think there's benefits to that response. We aren't professionals. We really can't assess someone for possible self harm.

Hi DesertDreamer,

I understand how hard and overwhelming it is to take a life-altering decision while being emotionally depleted and isolated. But you don't need all of the strength and certainty at once. Instead, you only need enough to take the next step (small, but concrete).

As you get more clarity, that will help you take action, and as you start moving, you'll feel stronger. And up to now it seems like you are already headed in the right direction.

If you hoped that the relationship could be better and you didn't let go of this, then it is natural to grieve about it. That may be reinforced by the compassion you have for her pain. However, the hope runs against your new feelings of being honest with yourself about what that was costing you. As part of a competition between those thoughts, your mind will try to convince you that your long-term pattern of feeling distant, emotionally unsafe, or broken was just a “short-term difficulty,” despite that you’ve been enduring it for so long. But as you observe what your mind is doing with you, you take control of it. Remember that grief for what it was and relief about leaving can exist at the same time, and neither cancels the other out.

A few questions come to my mind. Did this relationship make your depression worse, or was this depression already haunting you before you met her?

In regard to moving into her country, did things run out as you thought they would? Or did things go in a different direction? Was it she who encouraged you to move into her place, or was it you who had this initiative? Do you feel like this is an opportunity or that you fell into a trap?

Also, do you have the citizenship already? I believe this would make things much easier (or harder if you don't).

Hi out there,
I'm writing in this forum more than I ever have before (which isn't much), but it's been helpful for me to get reflection and just to vent. Thank you all

I've been taking space from my wife for a month (it's been about two weeks so far). I feel better being on my own, and it's clear to me that I can't return to the relationship how it was. I think now that I'm just freaked out by the amount of difficulty and change I'll need to face if I exit the relationship. How can I do this, when I feel isolated, emotionally exhausted, and depressed? How do I get the energy to find a new place to live, find a job, reach out to friends, etc?

I think I'm also second-guessing myself, which seems normal in this circumstance. I feel sure about leaving when I evaluate the relationship for how it feels to me right now - distant, emotionally unsafe, and very broken. But of course when I think of how much pain she's in as well, and all the ways she has been a loving partner, I feel incredibly sad and distraught. I worry that I'm chucking a longterm relationship because of short-term difficulty, even though as I type that, I don't really think that's true.

I've been through difficult things in life, but this is taking the cake. How can I muster the strength to make the needed choice?

Pook075 -

Not sure where you live, but where I live, the authorities can't get her the help she needs unless they witness it themselves.  I've been down this road, many times.  The first time the police clearly witnessed her having mental health issues.  They told me there was nothing they could legally do, suggested I find someplace other than my own house to stay the night in hopes that she would just leave on her own.  Another time she had clearly broken dishes in the kitchen (I had left my house to a safe place and called).  She told them she "accidentally" dropped a plate, and they told me because they did not witness it and they did not witness immediate danger there was nothing they could do.  After that, I started calling for a crisis intervention team.  One time the crisis line told me my best option was divorce and declined to intervene. Another time they sent a crisis team and she threatened to call police on them for trespassing.  They declined to take any action to have her involuntarily evaluated, and said that if I wanted to do that, I would have to go down to the hospital the next day and file a petition.  Every time, they tell me that she definitely needs psychiatric care, but the law is very specific on what they are legally allowed to do.  One time a crisis happened out-of-state, and there they even had less authority than in my home state.  Had I been in my home state, she probably would have been taken for evaluation, but when we got home they could not do anything because the crisis happened out of state.  One possible saving grace is that she says a bunch of stuff through text messages - so that record may be enough.