My adopted borderline daughter has made a fake Gofundme exaggerating the health issues of my grandchild. She is using photos of me holding my grandchild on the Gofundme. I complained to Gofundme but they didn’t remove it. I don’t like that she is exploiting the baby for financial gain. She also moved in with her psychotic birth father who lost custody of her due to physical abuse and neglect. Not sure what to do next.

My second and perhaps better attempt at an answer...

My guess is that your current order is not from a probate/family court?  That was the case in my county.  My ex faced DV charges in municipal court.  It was careful not to make an order involving the children, not wanting to step into family court's jurisdiction.  She went to family court, filed for herself and our preschooler to have "protection" from me.  The court conditionally accepted her petition but only until a hearing was scheduled (in two weeks) for both of us to stand before the court.  During that time the court requested CPS to get involved and they did contact me.  At the hearing the CPS investigator stood up and stated he had "no concerns" about me.  So the court issued a temp order with a parenting schedule.  Besides the child exchanges - locations, timing, cautions, etc - it also enabled "reasonable" telephone contact.

I don’t even know where to start.
My 74 yr old sister was just diagnosed with cancer treatable only by chemo and life expectancy 6 -24 months.Her daughter, my 43 yr old niece, has been diagnosed but never treated. Both are also hoarders. They live 3 hours away. My first visit I just went up to get a lay of the land. 2nd visit we started cleaning “extra” stuff out, but only my sisters. My niece goes off the wall if we even touch her “stuff” including over 150 bottles of nail polish (she doesn’t use). I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells but this coming week we are going to have a more serious talk. I am staying in a hotel because I am afraid to stay in their house for safety reasons and for her getting in my face and screaming which she has done 1x before. I honestly don’t even know what I am asking for. This is my first post and I am overwhelmed (ie, I am 69).

Do you have legal representation?  This is where a local family law attorney's advice would reflect what your local state or province's law is and how it is applied in your local county or area's courts.

You could proactively take sign up for parenting classes.  What many have reported - as happened in my case too - is that one of the first actions taken during separations and divorces is the judge will order parenting classes for both parents.  There is NO guilt or shame... it is a standard order given almost everywhere for parents.

Side note: Mention was made previously about anger management classes.  This is far different prom parenting classes, typically ordered after someone is found guilty of abuse.  So use caution whether pondering this since your decision implies you are guilty of something.  (In my case, my ex was accused of Threat of DV and the prosecutor wanted her to cop a plea to anger management but she refused.  After a couple continuances - courtspeak for rescheduled delays - and her still refusing a plea deal, court held a quickie trail after which the judge dismissed the case, pronouncing her not guilty while referencing local case law in cases where there was threat but no weapons.  She never did anger management classes.  Then a couple years later her lawyer got her case expunged - removed- from the record.)

Take a close look at your current stay away order... Does it include your children?  Did children's protective services get involved and voice a concern?  If either happened, then you need to rectify that, since DV is an adult relationship matter and not necessarily a parenting matter.

We are only peer support, unable to give legal advice.  However, the legal/court system has steps to follow and each step takes precious time.  It is wisdom to be proactive.

For example, your ex might claim the reason for the long lapse of time without seeing your children is that you aren't interested in parenting.  Therefore, keep a record of when, how often and with whom you are requesting to see your kids.  Since you can't contact your ex due to the current order, how else can you make the requests?  Children's services?  Her family?  The police?  The court?  Be very careful to make clear you aren't by-stepping the order but simply to have time with your children.  It's possible you may have to agree to temporary supervised visits.  Never settle for permanent supervised visitation.  But yes, bureaucracy takes time.  Starting sooner is better.

What have you done thus far to advance positive moves in your case?

Great insight!  You made such good points! 

So...what do you think YOU can do about this, that is within your control?

To NW's point about learning about co-dependency which could be why your counsellor recommended Al-Anon, I also found a couple of books helpful, if you happen to be a reader.

Co-dependent No More - Melody Beattie

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and Get on with Life - Margalis Fjelstad

All this co-dependency stuff can be quite eye opening, because until we have "awareness" through counselling, groups, reading etc we cannot recognize our role in it, or how to help ourselves.

This site also has a book club which you can click on to see comments people have made if you are interested.

St Dymphna, welcome!  You are safe here.    You've come to a place where we all have someone like your mom in our life, so we "get it". You are not alone.

First, you are not your mom.  Just the fact that you have the insight to think about this shows how different you are from her.  Do you think your mom ever questions her own behavior?

One thing I learned on this board when I landed here some years ago, was that it was okay to think my own thoughts, and feel my own feelings.  They didn't have to (and shouldn't) mirror my mother's. When I look back on it now, it was strange that I didn't know that.  But my mother raised me to be emotionally enmeshed with her, and it took a long time to figure out how to untangle that.

Second, you are reflecting on this.  Your mom likely doesn't have the capacity to reflect.  While I'm no psychiatrist, my experience with my uBPD mom, reading a ton of books, doing my own research, and being on this board since 2018, makes me think it's quite uncommon for persons with BPD to "reflect".  Personally, I believe "reflection" is one of the key tools that can protect us from being like them. You appear to be reflecting.

I think almost all of us "nons" are "afraid" of being like our mom's.  To look at it another way, reflection is probably the very thing that protects us from becoming "mini-thems".  We desire to  NOT be like them, perhaps we catch ourselves sometimes, but then we take ACTION to do things differently.  Inotherwords, we grow.  This is key.  We work on ourselves.

I love it that you are 22.  I didn't reach the end of my rope with my mom until I was in my 50's.  Call me slow.  Call me easily manipulated.  Call me a caretaker. Call me foolish.  I actually have a lot of hope for you because you are onto this while you are still forming your adult values and developing your adult sense of self.  Good for you!

You are also clearly resourceful because you found us!  And you are a problem solver.  You are solutions based and looking for support to help navigate a complex problem. Your mom on the other hand is a problem maker by the sounds of it.

Does that help? Your mom likely wants to believe you are like her.  If this is the case, you don't have to believe it.  Does this fit?

I want to address this because it's something that has come up on this board at other times over the years.  Many of us can relate.  It seems like they "pretend" that they don't remember.  This may be true.  It may be true sometimes.  But I also wonder if a person who is raging or otherwise under 100% control of their emotional brain and 0% of their rational brain may have distorted memories, or a bit of amnesia because of the mental state they were in.  I don't know. Or maybe, they just "deny" because they can't regulate their own deep shame, or reflect and learn from it to avoid repeating the behavior in the future. In the end, it might not matter why they don't remember it.  The important thing for us is to realize is this is who they are, and they are unlikely to change, and so...what do WE have to do or change or acknowledge ourselves to navigate this dysfunction?  One time when my mom was raging at me at her house, I picked up my shoes and walked out the front door, closed the door, and went to my car (didn't even take the time to put my shoes on).  She opened the door again and kept yelling at me across her driveway.  The point is I didn't try to reason with her, or defend myself, I took action, and left the abuse.  The best way to teach a person, is to let them learn through natural consequences.  She lost the audience that was giving her attention.  She lost the opportunity to vent.  She lost her daughter, and the ability to have a relationship that day.  Some people are so dysfunctional, we just have to learn new skills (eg unspoken boundaries) to navigate our lives with them.

You definitely did not do anything wrong by posting here.  Just like there's nothing wrong with joining an Al-Anon group, and there's nothing wrong with having a counsellor.  You are trying to solve a problem.  How can there be anything wrong with that? 

My question is: what makes you feel like there could be something wrong with that?  Where do you think that could be coming from?

Post as often as you like.  Take care

I always say my mom refused therapy including when my father or I offered (at different times) to go together with her.  This is true over her lifetime, but there was a one time exception...

I cannot say exactly what happened because I was not there. But she came back from her counselling session ranting and raving and saying terrible things about the counsellor (whom I happened to know but mom didn't know that) including what a terrible person she was and how she shouldn't be a counsellor, and how  mom would never ever see another counsellor again in her life after that...blah blah blah. Typical BPD reaction.  This counsellor is actually an exceptional person, and I've known her for many years.  It's a small town, and I've lived here almost all my life and through my career, I also know a lot of people and families.  According to mom, the counsellor told her she could get all the support she needed from her daughter, and she didn't need a counsellor.  This was such BS, it's laughable! It was mom telling me what she wanted me to hear, but lying and saying the counsellor had said it.  They twist everything. And boy, she laid the pressure on me thick. Guilt guilt, fear, guilt, obligation, guilt, guilt, guilt.

I cannot tell you how many times my mom repeated to me what she "claimed" the counsellor had said, always implying it was my job to be her emotional caretaker and counsellor, and she did this over 2 decades. 

They are relentless in their drive to have their needs met.  So yah, it backfired.

Sigh.  I can't tell you how many people described my mom this way - but nearly everybody who knew her.  When people said that to me, it was like cutting me up from the inside out, because when everyone else says that, we question ourselves, even though we know our own truth!  People on this board understand the very real "pain" this well meaning, but completely false statement can have on each of us.  I think without the lived experience, people can't "get it".  Here, we "get it".

Exactly. As I worked through the process of trying to understand, I went from self-blame to confusion to grief to sadness...and now I am moving to feeling mostly nothing. Maybe that's acceptance? I do still have flares of resentment and second-guessing myself when she attempts to blame the state of our relationship on me but those are fewer and further between. I still find myself wishing I could explain to others, but have largely accepted that would be futile and would likely backfire. Mostly, though, I'm thankful to have been able to recognize it for what it was, see its impact, and take measures to remove/protect myself and my own family from it. When things get hard, I focus on that.

I want to discuss your Dad. "He's all I got" and I feel that for you. I felt that way too. For reference, I am older, a mother to adult children. My parents lived into their elder years, both are deceased now. However, for me, my father was "all I had" too.

My best memories with him was when we were doing things alone with Dad. At these times, he seemed more relaxed, and more himself. But like you, when BPD mother was around, her wishes prevailed. She didn't make accusations thankfully, but she didn't seem to like Dad's relationships with anyone else- me included.

My mother's issues were explainable. She had BPD. By comparison, my father seemed like the "normal" parent and I perceived him as a victim of BPD mother.

I mentioned that both parents are role models for us, and we have learned behaviors from both of them. What I didn't realize was that I had learned co-dependent behaviors from my father- and these were "normalized" in my family- desired behaviors- feeling overly responsible for other adults in the family. The behaviors we learn were functional in our FOO's- it's how we adapted to manage in our families, but they are not functional as adults. These are the behaviors that 12 steps groups like Al Anon and CODA examine and work on and I think this is why your counselor recommended them.

Once I could see my own co-dependent behaviors, I saw where my father also wasn't a victim- he was the co-dependent enabler in the relationship. I know it's hard to see the effect your mother has on him. It was hard for me to see this too. But your father is an adult, and he also has his part in this. You can still love the father you have,  but without feeling overly responsible for his choices to be in this relationship.

Read up on the Karpman triangle dynamics. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

My father was a strong rescuer for BPD mother who took on victim position.

Your father probably feels emotionally divided between the two of you- you and your mother, and for me, his response to this was to get me to back down - and comply with her to keep the peace. This also meant tolerating her behavior- but this isn't your responsibility. You can have your own life and family- and you should, but understanding this dynamic will help you to understand why it's so difficult to do so.

This is not a quick process. If you make big moves like saying something to them, your mother will react to your pulling away from your role in stablizing the family dynamics. Don't make a statement about it to them- go slowly- and begin to refocus on your own life. Be less emotionally reactive- these dynamics feel personal but they are not about you. It's the pattern your parents have. Take some time to learn more, attend counseling. This isn't about changing your parents- it's about becoming more "you". You can still care about your parents, love your family, but from a different perspective. Boundaries are internal.

Go slow, don't make this about them and don't rock the boat with them for now. Let them be- and you refocus on you. I was more naive about these dynamics and jumped in with boundaries but I wasn't ready for BPD mother's reactions. I don't regret having boundaries but - learning to be less emotionally reactive and in accordance with my own understanding may have been more helpful. FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)- takes some work to unravel. You are on the right path with learning about this.