As for the moving out plan, I have started saving funds. . . . I’ve also taken the time to budget my monthly expenses and figure out what I can afford at the most at my current salary. It’s difficult but not entirely out of the question.

I saw my disordered neighbor today and she said "hello". I ignored her. Dr Ramani a well known expert on NPD, talks about how giving second chances over and over again does not work because the narcissist never accounts for their bad behaviors, act like they never happened, and then start being abusive again. I genuinely like to forget past problems with a person, and continue to be nice to them. Not going to do that again with this neighbor as she uses my forgiveness to restart the abuse cycle.

We often quote the instructions given at the start of every air flight... "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to aid others, and follow the attendants' directions."

We can't help others if we haven't first ensured our own safety.

That's just the reality, so we mustn't feel guilty about putting ourselves first in such scenarios.

P.S.

The pwBPD in my life shares that sort of thinking, which shows some narcissistic traits (on top of BPD).  I used to call it her "magical" thinking.  Granted, she's pretty, and that's a wonderful gift.  However, given her disordered BPD and narcissistic thinking, she believed she'd be "discovered" as a top model or top online influencer, and she dreamed of living a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle.  She seemed entitled to it, as if she expected others to make her wildest dreams come true, for example by setting her up in a luxe apartment and paying for her travel abroad.  Thus she set herself up to be continuously disappointed.  The disappointment quickly turned to anger, even rage, directed at others who failed to make these dreams come true for her.  Most of all, she refused to take responsibility for herself.  This looks like blaming others for ruining her life.  She's constantly mad that she doesn't get what she wants.  Now she wants plastic surgeries to change her physical features, and she has asked her dad to pay for them.  At one point it sounded like she expected him to pay as compensation for making her look the way she did.  And the irony is, I think she's beautiful, she shouldn't change a thing, and even if she did, she still wouldn't be a model, not even close.  She doesn't have the personality(!), and she's far too old, short and heavy (in model terms) anyway.  Plus she couldn't handle the lifestyle, with all the rejection, critiques and stressful routines.  She seems oblivious to the actual work that famous people do.  It's the classic black-and-white thinking, where she idealizes the Princess life while disparaging the lives of "normal" people.  Does that ring any bells?

The narcissim manifests in some beguiling ways.  One example is during a job search.  The pwBPD in my life seems to think that certain jobs are beneath her.  She doesn't want to start at the bottom; she wants to skip a few rungs and get paid a lot, and yet she doesn't want a "stressful" job, either.  Her resume lists more aspirations and exaggerated roles than actual accomplishments and credentials.  In some regards she lied outright on her resume (for example saying she was a candidate for an advanced degree without having taken any classes yet, let alone be accepted into a program).  But I suspect that in her mind, if she wants something, it's the truth?  Or maybe she thinks, everyone lies on their resume, and she should, too?  Her online profile lists "moving to New York," but she hasn't done anything to move to New York yet.  Does this sound like your Sis?  I think it's the magical, narcissistic thinking coming through.  There's some identity confusion as well.

Hi Sunny,

What strikes me here is that you recognize you need your own place, and yet almost everything you write is about your sister and mom!  You state that it's not your responsibility to take care of your sis, and yet, it seems that your sister's welfare remains top-of-mind for you, even after she physically assaulted you!  That sounds like some trauma bonding to me.  At the very least it is taking up a ton of your mental bandwidth.

My advice for you right now would to be start making concrete plans to move out.  One way to start would be to create a dedicated savings account just for this purpose, and you could start saving for first and last month's rent, as well as moving expenses and funds to buy some furniture if you need it.  I think if you created a special account, moving out would start to feel more real.  You could look at apartment rentals in different neighborhoods--I'd suggest actually touring some in person, for motivation.  You could look at find-a-roommate websites.  You could let trusted friends know that you're looking for your own place.  And you might look at house-sitting options as well, if that fits in your schedule.  In other words, if you take some baby steps towards making a move-out plan, I think you'll start to make some progress and build momentum.  Merely having a plan will create some motivation for you!  And if you start looking at neighborhoods and apartments, you'll get a clearer idea of what's in your budget.  My suggestion would be to spend at least an hour every week working on your move-out plan.  My guess is, eventually something will come available, and you'll be ready--because you'll see the opportunity and be ready to pounce on it.  Maybe it's not a "forever" home, just a "transitional" home where you can live in peace.  Even a "transitional" home would be an improvement, right?  From there, you could always look for something better, maybe a year further down the line.

As for your sister, my guess is that she doesn't hold down any jobs because she doesn't have to.  She's not going to find employment until she has no other choice.  As long as you hang around, live with her and pay some (or all) her expenses, my guess is that she'll be content mooching off of you, while blaming you and abusing you, too.  My advice?  The sooner you leave, the sooner your sister will have to take responsibility for her life.  She might fall apart, but then she might get the help she really needs. 

Look, it seems to me that the status quo isn't working for you, and it's not really working for your sister, either.  My sense is that the sooner you get out of that toxic situation, the better it will be for all of you.  I know that finding your own place might feel arduous, even scary.  But I think in reality, the status quo is more arduous and scary.  It's up to you to change your life for the better.  I know you have an amazing gift, which is positivity in the face of adversity.  But you need to give yourself the gift of freedom without remorse.  I hope you consider that.  All the best to you.

. My trouble with that is that whenever I try to just be boring and not engage, he just escalates and escalates until it becomes too scary to not give in: “this a choice your making, this now means you are ending our marriage, etc”.