It seems it is really up to you to decide whether to be in your sister's bridal party. It sounds like perhaps you would rather not yet fear how badly she will treat you no matter whether you are in the bridal party or at her wedding as just one of the guests. This distrust of your sister based on past abuses of you is legitimate and concerning.

You are not alone in having a disordered close relative whom you cannot trust and would not likely associate with if she were not your sister.  Know that you do not have to make a decision that is set in stone, that your decision can change based on how you are being treated by your sister and how you feel in the future.

I am wondering if your sister has asked you to be a bridesmaid so she will be in a superior position as the bride to mistreat you. What do you think?

What is your preference? You can state your preference without having to make a final irrevocable decision.

I haven't been back to this forum in a LONG time, but i'm putting some brief historical context before i get to the update. In need of some major support or suggestions.

My older sister has never been formally diagnosed, but she’s had severe emotional outbursts my entire life. Growing up, this included things like smashing her head into objects, putting her foot through a car windshield, physically lashing out (shoving me, kicking my mom/dad, breaking doors, etc), and making extreme threats like wanting to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. She would also scream at me, tell me I hated the family, or try to isolate me whenever I did something independent. It created a really unstable and scary environment for me as a kid.

My parents have always enabled her behavior because they don’t know how to handle it, so a lot of this was minimized or turned back on me. Even now, it feels like they don’t fully acknowledge the impact it had on me and often believe her version of events.

A few years ago, I moved out and now live with my husband, which has been amazing for my mental health. Since then, my relationship with my sister has been very surface-level and feels fake. She never took accountability or apologized - she just pretends nothing happened. We only see each other at family events and don’t have a real relationship otherwise.

For example, when I told her I was moving in with my (now) husband, she had a huge outburst - screaming, crying, insulting him, trying to break through my door, and telling me I was abandoning the family. Afterward, she never apologized and just expected things to go back to normal.

She finally moved out of my parents home at the age of 31, is fully functioning (job, relationship, etc.), and my parents say things are “good” now, which is confusing given my experience.

When I got engaged, she barely acknowledged it. Not long after, she got engaged too, which brought up a lot of old feelings around competition, jealousy, and never being allowed to have anything be about me without it being overshadowed.

For my wedding this past August, I set a firm boundary and did not include her in my bridal party. She actually handled it better than expected and didn’t make it about her, which surprised me.

Now, out of nowhere, I just received a package from her asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this October, with a note that says: “Even though I wasn’t in yours, we are turning a new leaf

Hey "emo-scorpion" - just wanted to thank you. I don't know what prompted you to come back to this forum and post after a couple of years, but it got me to read your original post for this thread. I too had an incredible partner wBPD, and found a lot of support and joy in our relationship. Like you described though, our conflicts and processing of them could go on and on and on, leaving us both past the point of being drained. I saw a lot of myself in your post, and after having been through a relationship like this, I crave a type of understanding that can feel hard to come by. So thank you, and peace & well-being to you.

Hello Crone-

I am also new and am going through something similar except my daughter won't allow my wife (her step-mother) to see the kids. I'm not allowing her to manipulate me to hurt my wife so we don't see them. I truly believe that kids eventually, when they get a little older, come back to their grandparents when they can. In the meantime, I am opening a bank account for them and making a small deposit every month so that one day they will see that we never forgot about them. It was an idea that is helping right now.

What is most important for therapy to help the client, is that there be a close trusting relationship between the client and the therapist, and that the client feels heard, seen by the therapist. You may find a therapist with experience with BPD who may be a good fit or not a good fit for your youngest daughter. A therapist who does not know a lot about BPD could also be the right fit because of the therapeutic rapport she establishes with your daughter.

The simple answer is to look up at the top right corner of my post (or anyone's post).  You'll see a button in green labeled "Exerpt".  Click that and you'll quote everything they said in that post. 

Then you can edit out the stuff you don't want to quote.  Making multiple quotes within the same post takes a little copying and pasting, we can dive into that another time.  =)


Any progress is a step in the right direction, and every single one of us realized when we got here that we had some major homework to do.  Nothing about focusing on feelings for validation feels natural- that's what we have words for.  But we all slowly figured out that hey, we can actually do this and have productive conversations. 

It does take time though so consider all of this baby steps!

Quoting from prior posts is relatively simple, once you know the steps.  Over on our Help Desk board we have a pinned topic that describes how to use various features.  Quotes are described as among the intermediate skills:

Frequently asked technical questions

Hi Boogie74,

I’m really glad you posted - what you’re describing is something a lot of people here have lived through in one form or another.

What stood out to me wasn’t just the retaliation piece, but the pattern underneath it. It sounds like you’ve been pushing your own needs down for a long time, trying to keep the peace, until something tips past your limit… and then it all comes out at once. That kind of swing between holding it in and then exploding can leave you feeling like you’re the problem, even when there’s a lot more going on in the dynamic.

Anyone in your position, constantly giving and not feeling met, is going to build resentment. That part makes sense. The hard part is that when it comes out in the moment, it tends to escalate things quickly and then gets used against you afterward, which sounds like what you’re experiencing now.

That situation with your dog also sounds genuinely stressful. When you’re in that kind of urgency and don’t feel supported, it can hit a nerve pretty fast.

What helped me start shifting out of that cycle was learning to catch the moment a bit earlier, before it builds to that breaking point. Not perfectly, and not every time, but even a small pause or stepping away sooner can change how things unfold. It’s less about being passive and more about not letting yourself get pushed all the way to the edge.

You’re not wrong for feeling what you’re feeling here. The goal is just finding a way to respond that doesn’t leave you dealing with the fallout afterward.

You’re not alone in this.

Hi SometimesI, welcome to BPDfamily. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for the situation that brought you in.

What you’re describing sounds really painful and confusing, especially with how sudden the cutoff was. It makes sense that you’d feel shaken and unsure what to do, particularly when things didn’t end with a clear conflict or any real sense of closure.

When someone asks for no contact, even in the middle of an intense emotional moment, it’s usually best to respect that boundary. Reaching out to reassure her that you don’t hate her could come from a good place, but it may feel overwhelming or intrusive on her side right now.

You’re right that strong emotions can shift over time, and sometimes space can help those feelings settle. The hard part is that there’s no way to predict if or when that might happen. For now, the most stable thing you can do is give that space and focus on taking care of yourselves while you sit with the uncertainty.

Hi Barney1015,

Welcome to BPDfamily.com. I’m really glad you found your way here, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through to get here.

Reading your post, it really stood out how much you’ve been carrying for a long time. Trying to hold things together financially while also dealing with violence and instability… that’s a lot for one person to carry.

The part about the violence, especially being strangled, is serious. Living in that kind of environment can keep your whole system on edge, always bracing for what might happen next. That kind of stress adds up over time.

I also noticed you mentioned quitting your job at his insistence. That can make things feel even more stuck, even if it didn’t seem that way at the time.

You’re not alone in this. Many people here understand what this kind of situation feels like. You don’t have to figure everything out all at once.

If you’re open to sharing, what kind of support would feel most helpful right now?