Hi there,
I think that moms are programmed to worry about their kids . . . it's like your caring goes into overdrive. As kids grow up, you're always on the lookout for danger and try to steer them away from harm. But honestly, I think that kids learn best from making mistakes . . . provided that they are mistakes that are age-appropriate.
As for your middle-aged son, I think he's old enough to handle his schedule, bills and activities calendar. In reading your post, you say you're concerned that your son hasn't slept or eaten well. While I understand you're concerned, I think you should keep it to yourself. I can attest that when I was working, it was not uncommon for me to get by on two or three hours of sleep from time to time, because I was busy! And sometimes I didn't eat as well as I should have. But I learned that for me, skipping a meal is too hard on my system, which is why I snacks on hand (such as apples and nuts). As for lacking sleep, I made a point to try to catch up on weekends. My routine is to deal with mail once per week, on Sunday late afternoons, because processing mail every day seems inefficient and burdensome for me. But I'll tell you, absolutely nobody cares about this routine except for me. My schedule works (more or less) for me. I'd say, trust your son to handle it.
I imagine that for you, it's not so much an issue about knowing too much, but rather one of making negative assumptions about your son's capabilities. Of course, your son probably has a long track record of dysfunction to substantiate your concerns. Yet sometimes I think, you might be projecting your worries too much, and your son might be absorbing them. Basically, you assume he's going to have trouble, and he might detect that. It could become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Your son might think, well Mom thinks I'm incapable, so might as well believe her. He starts to doubt himself, and he goes downhill from there.
I would suggest that you try a mind-shift. You assume that your son is doing OK. It sounds to me like he is--he's working, he's studying, he has housing. Maybe his priorities aren't exactly the same as yours, and maybe his pace of life isn't what you'd prefer. But just assume it's working for him. It sounds to me like it is. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
I know, you're thinking, he might falter, he might regress. I'll tell you, that's almost a certainty! He's going to falter, he's going to make mistakes. The thing is though, real progress will be seeing him handle his problems on his own. He'll get off track, but he'll recover and get back on track sooner and better than he did before. That's what I'd be looking for if I were in your shoes. And then I'd lay on the praise: I'm really proud of you for overcoming that obstacle, you're actually doing great. That's a much more positive narrative.
I probably wrote earlier that my mantra is, It's not time to worry yet. I invoke that mantra when I'm thinking about possible outcomes, but then realize that I'm being too negative because nothing bad has even happened yet.
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