I, too, have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing.

I don't think my mother fully felt free until her BPD/NPD step-mother died, even though she had gone very LC after my grandfather died. Since the age of six, my mother had been controlled, mistreated, and emotionally abused by this woman who others in the community thought was an angel for caring for this child whose mother had died so young. Family members knew better, knew the truth.

And it does complicate an already difficult situation to be an "only, " as my mom was, and as I am.

My mom has been gone almost five years now. I still have grief pangs. And I still have regrets that her few BPD- like traits kept us from having the mother-daughter relationship we should have had.

I too did grief counseling, both when my sister died and shortly after my mother died. It helped me past the worst of it.

Give yourself Grace and Time.
 

I've been thinking about you and wondered how you are doing. First, condolences on the loss of your mother. These were words that sounded odd to me when people who didn't understand said them. I know they were well meaning, but their context was different. I think those of us here understand that loss too. It's a loss, and that messy, complicated grief that is a unique experience. I think a lonely one too.

I had that magical thinking too. I think, even if the relationship is difficult, even if we understand the disorder- cognitively- emotionally there's still a bit of hope. I think that's a part of what kept us attached- the hope, even if it's only
a tiny bit.  I think this is part of the loss and the grief.

I went to counseling after my mother passed, to help me through that. Two months is still a short time. I was still in a heightened state of shock, fear, weird grief. To give you some hope- it's been about a year, it feels more settled.

Sending you hugs.

BPD has many symptoms, some very common, others not so and the sufferer doesn't need to have every one. My exBPD never exhibited any desire to self harm but she definitely ticked every other box.

It seems like your partner was trying to get you to 'change' to suit her disjointed view of the relationship but I'm sure you've already realised that this is impossible - she doesn't know what she wants from one moment to the next so how can you ever hope to become this 'changed' person?

Nor should you even try as the problem is hers. All you can do is adapt to try and keep the conflict to a minimum but we can never change to become that mythical 'perfect' person our BPD partner wants. Even if you changed one aspect of yourself they'll only criticise something else that they see as your fault. It's a no-win situation.

From what you've said your partner isn't receptive to counselling so is unlikely to stick to any prescribed course of treatment, assuming she is even willing to give it a try.  Without professional treatment things won't change - the relationship now is the one you'll always have and the only question is are you prepared to continue in this way?

It's draining - both physically and especially mentally, as I'm sure you're already aware of.

Best wishes

Thank you both for your input.

It's a good way to start, and hopefully I get more answers as well.

Methuen,

Thank you for sharing this. Your post captures something many people here wonder about but rarely hear described so honestly.

When a parent with BPD dies, things don’t resolve neatly. The chaos may stop, but the imprint of those dynamics doesn’t just disappear. After years of living in that environment, it makes sense that the nervous system doesn’t simply switch off.

Your line about grieving the mother you never had rather than the one you lost really stood out to me. That kind of grief is complicated. It can include loss, relief, exhaustion, and unfinished hopes all tangled together.

What also stood out is that even at the end, you still showed up. Sitting with her in the hospital, staying overnight, making sure you had done everything you could. That says a lot about the kind of daughter you were, regardless of whether she could acknowledge it.

And your doctor’s comment about grief meaning you must have had a close relationship… that’s a common misunderstanding from people who haven’t lived this experience. The grief often comes from a lifetime of trying.

Two months is not very long after a lifetime of what you went through.

Thank you for coming back and sharing where you are.

— Mutt

I haven't been here for a while.  I think a part of the reason for that was emotional exhaustion, lack of energy, and another part was that uBPD mom (89yrs) finally got into assisted living (after 6 years of waiting for her to agree/consent, and then work her way through a waiting list). The relief after helping her move to AL gave me space to do a few other things (I used to be on here hours a day sometimes trying to learn and make sense of her, and learn strategies to grow).

What follows is a bit of a reflective piece following mom's passing, and because this site sustained me for many years once I found it.  I got a lot of support here, and learned so much. It was a real difference maker to find a community that understood, and I was a frequent poster. While the posters on here have changed since I started (and dropped off), I see patterns with the current problems and stories. With BPD, the wheels on the bus just keep going round and round. It's a terrible illness that has devasting impact on relationships, and causes distress for everyone.  What follows is just a few thoughts and observations since mom passed in January.

Assisted living didn't change the BPD, but it still made an enormous difference in our life.  They were responsible for her instead of me/H. That was intense relief. In the beginning there was a honeymoon period which wore off quickly for her, and soon her emotional needs and demands were as before.  We still had to take her to all her medical and dental appointments, do her shopping, and pick up the phone for every little difficulty she had (and contrived crisis), but the work load was still diminished although remaining significant. My observation is that nothing changed with her.  Still negative.  Still chaotic.  Still needy.  Still demanding. But the relief for us was that professionals could now handle some of it (daily needs, connectivity, giving her meds), and we could leave town and know that she was taken care of, and not lying on the floor of her house injured or even dead.  She used to always rage that if we loved her, we wouldn't go away and leave her.  It was awful.  One time we were 2000 km away in a campsite, and she would text we had to come home and help her because her phone wasn't working.  She was serious.

So glad those days are gone.  Looking back, there is some years of bad stuff that I don't know how we survived (H and I).  I really don't.  I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody, and everybody thought she was wonderful.  But she only showed those people her good parts.  As the only daughter, there was an expectation "to take good care of her".

Mom went into hospital in the New Year (had stopped eating and taking her meds), went palliative a few days later, and passed away a few days after that. She had so many complex health problems. She was a fighter in every respect, including fighting death! She had her family (me, H, D, S-in law, S) with her, and once she went palliative, despite the relationship, I stayed with her at the hospital and asked for a chair-bed for nights.  That was a journey I hope fades from my memory.  I did it for her, but probably mostly for myself. I am weary of feeling guilt, and wanted to know I had done everything I could.  I tried so hard to be a good daughter (and I was), but with her BPD illness, failure was the only option (as she saw it).

She never once said thank you, or sorry. I shared nice memories, said nice things, but not surprisingly, even at end of life there was no need on her part to resolve anything. I suppose it's magical thinking to hope that at end of life, she could say anything that would give me something positive to hang onto for the rest of my life.

A dear friend lost her mother about 8 months ago, and continues to grieve although the grief is slowly lessening.  When mom passed, I continued to grieve the mother I never had, instead of the one I lost.  Can I really grieve the one I lost? My grief is profound, but so so complicated. There are a few good memories, and some funny ones too.  It's just messy.  I think maybe that's what someone meant when they said "it doesn't get better after they die".  Some things change: the chaos and interruptions stop, the drama episodes end, the physical and emotional demands stop, the rages and abuse ends, but remarkably it's like the sensations and feelings from a lifetime of those behaviors, lives on in my body.  My nervous system hasn't recognized her passing.  My body aches and problems haven't either. They're with me for the rest of my life.  And neither has my memory, or ability to sleep realized that she's passed. She's still everywhere.  I've been struggling with depressive-like symptoms (some days I am a hot mess).  My new (young) doctor said "no" to sleeping aids because he labelled it grief.  He actually said "my grief was an indication of how close my relationship to my mother was".  I just looked at him.  He is young.  It was an Ygritte moment when she says "You know nothing Jon Snow". My brain wanted to inform him that doctors should be asking questions of their patients to learn what is really going on instead of making assumptions filled with bias (from their own lived experience) but I kept my mouth shut.  Where I live, nearly half of the population isn't lucky enough to have a family doctor. 

I'm still not sleeping, and she passed over 2 months ago.

I am retiring from my most demanding part-time retirement job (meaning I came out of retirement to work 2 part time jobs which gave me a boundary from my mother's demands and expectations and rages).  I am going to transition back to full time retirement one part-time job at a time, if that makes sense. If it sounds crazy, it probably is. The lengths we go to in order to navigate our family member with BPD are extreme.

I am mom's executor, so I've already put probably hundreds of hours into that.  In that way, she's still all around me (paperwork and processes everywhere at home), and I haven't been able to move on.  It's impossible to articulate how much work and time is involved in being an executor (at least where I live).

Her memorial service is happening in May.  Maybe once that is over, I will be able to move on a bit, because having to honour all the good parts of her will be behind me.

A lifetime friend told me today that in her mind, she's always seen me as a spunky, energetic, engaged person, and for a while now that spark has been gone.  I looked at her and said one word: defeated.

She is a dear friend and replied by saying all the right things.  She's wonderful.  But it was interesting to hear the perspective from someone who knows me. I can't "see" myself, but she described it, and I summed up her description in one single word.

After work yesterday, a colleague came to check in on me.  Someone caring about me just triggers me, because that's always what I wanted from my mum.  Mom was just so narcissistic that her self-absorption demanded all caring be for her at her whim.  There was nothing left for her child (I was an "only"). Remarkably, she could care about other people, just not family members. So this colleague coming to check in just flooded me with sadness and the waterworks opened up.  Just brutal. Such a vulnerable feeling. It's a part-time job that I love because of the nature of the work (my career- but in a very part-time capacity), but it's demanding, takes a lot of energy, and is physically hard on my body, so it is time to let go.  That is another loss. 

Pivoting away from "loss", what leaving the work will give me is freedom and space to do some things on my bucket list.  I have a long bucket list, so now I have to work on getting excited about that and moving forward, instead of looking back. It's so easy to focus on the loss and trauma (especially during grief), but it's important to look forward too, and I just realized I have to do that while writing this.

But I recognize it is hard to get excited when the body is full of so much trauma. I have been overwhelmed by problems, and I am weary.  It's a process to feel better, and doesn't just magically happen when they die.  But I want to start feeling myself again, and am hopeful that I will be able to find that.  It's been a while.  The next thing to work on.  Always something more to work on.

Just my observations of my experience after mother passed.  When others used to post that their mother had passed, I always wondered what that experience would be like.

 

A month and a half later, and the OP never responded... I guess he got the answer he needed! 

I've mentioned before, but journaling helped me keep my head on straight.  I also had a tendency to forget how miserable I was just a month or a week ago, over literally nothing.  And also forget how warped my own perceptions became because of the tendency to try to downplay conflict.

I'd get back to those moments where I'd be mentally telling myself "this is so miserable and wrong, I can't wait til I'm not married to her anymore." instead of those moments where I'm like "hey, she put up a cute picture of all of us together.  that's my family, and I love them." 

You sometimes go back and forth between wondering what's real and what's the aberration... are the cute moments the reality, and the insane, unhinged screaming matches over nothing just something that happens?  Or is the opposite true?  If we didn't have kids it would be an easy decision, but then I caught myself wondering what the fighting does to our kids and the impact that has.  What does she think, seeing me get screamed at for no reason?  She thinks it's okay mom behaves that way? It's okay to allow someone to treat you like that?  I didn't want that.


When my attorney advised me to keep a separate account with money in it, and I asked "what if she accuses me of hiding assets?" I thought the distinction she made was helpful: it's okay to take actions to protect yourself and preserve assets.  In this case, I would disclose the accounts if/when we were in court, but until then they were for my own protection, given BPDxw's attempts to withdraw money from them to punish me, or keep me from filing (she seemed to believe that if she took all our money out of our accounts, I wouldn't ever be able to hire an attorney.  It didn't occur to her that she was obliterating any remaining trust I had in her and pushing me to take actions to protect myself, which ended up being concrete steps toward physically separating our assets, and then an inevitable divorce.

Similarly, with respect to keeping a separate storage unit and putting things in it, BPDxw had threatened to throw out personal possessions of mine, and I had caught her doing this on a few occasions.  Getting a $40/month 6'x6'x6' storage locker was easy after that.  I felt no guilt over it.  I was just protecting myself from her, and preserving family memories & heirlooms so my daughter would get them some day. 

Hi ShadowWarren, and welcome to the BPD family!

I carefully analyzed your story. Yes, it does seem like high-functioning BPD, as well as CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). Therefore, I highly recommend you not get her pregnant. I have 6 kids, 2 with each disordered mother, so I know what I'm talking about. First you must get her into treatment and then wait for a long time until she recovers.

Now let me make some constructive criticism on your journey. People with BPD have distorted views, and it seems like you have believed them and supported her views by agreeing that you were "a monster" and just doing so much of what she demanded. That also puts you as a "Mr. Nice Guy," which reinforces her devaluation of you. I do a lot for my current wife, and I tell her that I move mountains for her, but I never try to fulfill her unrealistic expectations, and I never do something she is demanding in a hostile way. Usually, I just do what I think is important for her, and I do it on my time and on my terms. I don't get too much out of my way unless I see it is a real emergency. For instance, I would never be the financial provider and the housekeeper at the same time if she isn't putting up nearly as much effort, unless she is really in a very bad mental state of incapability, such as having panic attacks all day long in the bathroom. Also, I would never leave a job because of her insecurities, because this leaves a precedent of more and more inappropriate demands. Unless I had another better job opportunity already.

The good part is that you made your trip, so you took care of yourself and your values. Keep putting your own sanity in first place.

Hey Camp.  You started this thread ten days ago, stating that you'd be leaving in two weeks time.  You're just about at that date.  How are you doing?  Has anything changed in your planning?  Please share an update when you can.