I went through that phase with my BPD daughter as well.  I'd call and she'd answer saying, "What do you want?!?  I'm busy!!!"  So I stopped calling entirely and just waited to hear from her. 

That made her mad too, dad never calls and reaches out anymore, but I thought to myself what was better for me?  I could get yelled at for calling, or I can be seen as a bad dad for not calling.  But if I'm getting yelled at then I guess I'm a bad dad in her mind anyway.  So I made the choice that's best for my mental health.

If she calls, I'll talk all day about nonsense if that's what she wants to do.  Or I'll help her talk out real problems on occasion.  I refuse to make the effort and be punished for it though.  That's a part of my past and I won't go back to it.

Forgiveness is the basis of any relationship.  If you love someone, you forgive them.  It might not be easy, it might not sting for awhile, but love should conquer all.

Now, I'm not talking about abuse.  If someone is abusive, you don't forgive...you run.  If someone is a serial cheater or a drunk or an addict, you can't forgive that either because it's happening all the time.  So don't take this the wrong way- I'm talking about normal everyday mistakes here.

BPDs are notorious for black and white thinking, seeing things in absolutes.  That's the aspect of this that becomes so incredibly hard.  If they can't forgive, how can they love someone?  Honestly, they can't.  Love and hate don't go together.

I've said this in almost every post to you- THIS CAN WORK.  I've seen it, I've lived it.  To change her absolute thinking and her list of "unforgivable sins", you have to change your relationship and how you communicate.  That means forgiving her first, for everything she's said and done.  It's also admitting your mistakes and owning your part.  If you do that, there's so much less to fight about and it disarms them.

This CAN work, I'm positive of it.  That's not the question though.  The real question is whether or not the cost is too much to actually make it work.

I think you're doing all the right things.  Keep reading, keep working through therapy, keep trying to understand that she's hit her thumb with a mental hammer.  Also, try to validate her FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.  Don't argue, just accept your mistakes and move on.

You're doing everything you can to give this a real chance at working.  Give it a little more time and keep working the process.  Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't.  But you're going to be a better man on the other side of this regardless because you're setting yourself up for long-term success.

Those are good points CC. His typical call time will be on his way home from work. Maybe once month, Maybe twice. I usually don't call because I don't know his mood and I know he's busy. I generally text a short  message - Been thinking about you and wanted to say Hi. Sometimes he responds at some point- sometimes not which is ok. I called this time because he invited me to. So when I saw that was an offer he couldn't manage,  I felt like I can't trust some of what he says. Actually he will offer to do things for us. He may mean them in the moment but basically they just words.

Indeed that IS improvement.  I'm wondering, have you noticed a pattern when your son seems to be in a better mood?  Maybe when he calls you instead of vice-versa?  Maybe on weekends and not on weekdays?  After dinner instead of before?  On his drive home from work?  I'll give an example.  When I was in college, my mom used to call me at 7 am on Saturdays and want to talk for an hour.  That used to drive me bonkers!  Not only did she sabotage my sleep, but that of my roommate, because we shared the same room and the same landline phone.  I begged her not to call on Saturdays so early, if not for me, then for my roommate.  Her response?  "I NEED to talk to you, and it's the only time I know I can reach you."  She seemed oblivious to what my needs were--to sleep in on Saturdays, to be respectful to my roommate, to keep the conversations shorter, not to feel like she was guilt-tripping me, etc.  At first, she wouldn't take No for an answer.  So when she continued to call on Saturday mornings at 7 am, I'd take the phone off the hook instead of answering.  Then I'd call back some other time on the weekend, and since it was long distance, I had a good excuse to keep the conversations short ("Gotta go Mom, this is long distance").  It took a few more weeks, but eventually she accepted the new routine.  That's a long-winded way of saying, sometimes just finding a better routine (child initiates the call when convenient/relaxed/has privacy) can completely change the tone of the conversation.  Maybe the cadence needs adjusting as well.  Once a week felt like frequent contact for me; I probably would have preferred once every other week or once a month.  My mom would prefer daily or multiple times a day!  But once a week ended up being a reasonable compromise.

Another bell rings.

We're speaking tomorrow night by phone.

Today she sent me an audio note with 12 un-forgivable actions. I happened to be walking into therapy and utilized the time to listen to it alongside my therapist. I dug deep and  could quickly recognize my failure to properly validate my pwBPD's feelings over time. But laying all 12 out made me quickly realize how bad black-and-white thinking becomes... during our first massive fight (and the first time I was kicked out of my house for a week) I bought a motorcycle at a bar at 2am. I let her know during a repair attempt. I tried to laugh it off, like "hey, I did something crazy, too!" Bad move. Any partner would be annoyed. But five years later it's still unforgivable. Not quitting her meds and kicking me out of the house because she "didn't have the combo to our safe with ours kids documents in it." (Arrested Development Voice) she did.

Three were issues with my mom; instances where she picked fights and my attempts to resolve didn't work... I tried to lead horses to water instead of simply siding with my partner. Problem is, I didn't fully agree with her side. She was quick to anger, irrational and I believe overly unforgiving in the moment. These un-forgivable failures seem less about me than a conjecture of a reality that I don't live in.

More failures; inconsideration, one-sided presentations of experiences (where I do recognize some culpability, but I cannot for the life of me figure out where the entire other half of the experience seems to have gone...)

I'm increasingly feeling done. I've stayed longer than anyone else in her life. She's excommunicated her sister three times in 8 years. Going back seems like working desperately to convince her... to take me back? And completely ignore all the other issues? It all feels untrue to who I am and what feels real.

Today I realized that this marriage failing isn't a failure. It's just a reality. I'm not cut out for this. Or, she's not in a position of healing enough to become self-reflective and address my own invalidation through our experiences.

When she texts, my mouth goes dry. My nerves tingle. I think "oh god, what next." The more time I spend away from her... the more time I'm finding myself happy again. And realizing how unhappy I've been.

That's painful. I think I love her. But I really, really don't know what to expect tomorrow. She's "100% done" on her end. Yet she sends me this list... I know a game when I see one. I'm told every time I leave the home (after being told to leave) that "I never fight back for her." Bait I won't take. If she can't see it, there's no point finishing the painting.

When I numb the parts of me that need numbing to exist with her, it turns out I numb everything. And I think I've been numb for 8 years.

Notwendy has often observed that, like so many others, she had no way to know what "normal" was since her childhood home environment was - surprise - not normal.

To some extent your child too does not experience normal home life when with her mother.  You've absorbed a lot of tools and skills while here.  I'm sure you've shared some of that (since minors can't register here).  You would do well to continue supporting her by continuing to share what skills you've learned.

There is a booklet that may be helpful for her to grasp the concept of protecting herself from poorly behaving people's actions.  It's described on our Book Club board, "An Umbrella for Alex".  As I recall, it doesn't focus on diagnostic labels but does give age-appropriate practical insight and ways to deal with problems.

You are willing to work better at your relationship, right?  That's good but your efforts alone are not enough.  What has she done to improve her end of the relationship?  If she hasn't started meaningful long term therapy and is determined to apply the therapy in her perceptions, behavior and everyday life... well, then the future is probably going to be a repeat of the past.

When BPD traits are involved, so much more is needed than promises and hopes.

The last post and quote that was highlighted speaks to what I've been thinking about. I don't know what mood or frame of mind I'm going to come in contact with. For the most part he is guarded, not relaxed, and a little agitated... He still will try to make short polite conversation. Other times he's very agitated,  like there's an internal storm or pain he's trying to hold back. I give him space even when I'm visiting with my younger son at their place. THEN there are times when he is relaxed and sounds at peace. These are rarer but they happen. There was one of those times a few weeks ago. He called in a great mood, was more chatty than normal and invited me to call anytime I wanted or to drop by whenever I wanted.
I thought I'd take him up on it and called a week later. No response.  I tried several days later and his phone wasn't accepting calls. That good moment was short lived
I'm kind of kicking myself for believing him. After thinking about it, I do believe the offer was true for him in the moment. So, to protect myself- do I not hope that it's true and act on offers or do I treat them as  temporary?  Trying to navigate my way through these times has me frustrated and sad.  At least I'm not believing I did something wrong and take responsibility. That is improvement 

What I would do differently is to learn to listen more, react less, and think about her feelings before thinking about yours.

Her feelings are unstable at times because she has mental illness.  Your feelings are unstable at times because you react badly to her mental illness.  One of those you can work on.  The other you can't.

Understand that when she's unstable, she's actually suffering.  So when you see that and don't help her calm down, her emotions spiral as she second guesses the relationship.  The thing she's freaking out about is not the words she's saying...it's actually wondering if you still love her and support her or not.  So you have to show that in words and demeanor when she's unstable...that helps her become stable once again.

If you do this consistently enough for long enough, the complete meltdowns become minor arguments that fade instantly.  You have to have really thick skin at times though to avoid fighting back, taking the bait, etc.

Again, she's doing it because she's mentally ill and suddenly wonders if you're the enemy.  Your only real job is to show her that you're not.

This sounds impossibly hard, and in some ways it is.  But once you start getting the hang of it, leading with empathy and love, you quickly pick up on what actually works and what doesn't.  It does get easier and it does get managable to the point where it almost goes away entirely.  It's 100% dependent on the trust between the two of you though.

That easily could have been a viral TikTok video.  If you only knew...