Hi all, I just want to share my good news.

For some time I have been expressing my hopes of writing a success story on this board, and it seems like it won't take too long because I'm already beginning to see improvements.

By mid-January, I successfully arranged our separation, against her will. This first step was essential to stop the conflict. Then I could delve deeper into my research. I already had hopes because of the DBT treatment studies, but my hopes increased after I did extensive research on pharmacological treatments as well, particularly the studies on opioid blocker medication and the endogenous opiate dysregulation theory on BPD, as well as the successful reports on off-label usage of opiate blocker medication to treat specific BPD symptoms.

At the beginning of February, I got her on opiate blocker medication. Initially, we went for the very low dosage (about 100 times less than the regular dosage), which is very innocuous. I do think the low dosage helped with her well-being, but it was not preventing her from having outbursts, which could still go on for hours and extend to the next day. At times I brought her to my place for a weekend. In the first weekend she had the worst outburst, and the next ones were less awful, but still bad enough for me to try to rush her out.

So now in March, a couple of days ago, while she was here again, we upped the dosage to the low end of the regular dosage used in BPD studies. I was not expecting her conflict-seeking patterns to subside, but I was expecting that the complete blockage of opioid reward would prevent her from continuing the outburst. The results were exactly how I expected. On the morning of each day, the effects subsided, and she gradually began to go into havoc again until I got her the medication. Usually when she is angry, she refuses to comply with any kind of treatment, but this time it was different, as she hardly resisted. Because she is also noticing the improvement. Her only complaint was the side effect of sleepiness, but we cut the dosage by half. Yet, she felt completely restored for having slept so well over here. It was our longest weekend together, which extended into 4 nights.

As she noticed the improvement of our interactions, this perception increased her hopes for our relationship, which then made her become more proactive. So she finally scheduled herself for her first DBT session for next week. She also scheduled her consultation to insert an intrauterine birth prevention device (we are not having sex, and she says it's because of her fears of getting pregnant again).

Later on, while she was upset about being in her mom's house and not feeling welcome there, I said perhaps I could rent a place for her if I got a good job. That made her angry at me. She stated that I made her feel disgusted. At first, I couldn't understand why, but then she wrote this to me:

---

Now I'm the one who's going to set the conditions, the deadlines... okay?
If I don't move back in there in 1 month, with you taking me back, AND I'M IN THERAPY, I'm only going to treat you as the father of my children, because I know myself. I want to be married, with someone every day, and if you don't give me that, I assure you I'm going to pursue it for my life.

But whether you want to believe it or not is up to you.

I'm young; I'm 31 years old, and I have my whole life ahead of me. If you think it's going to be difficult to build a life and a family with someone, you're wrong, and my uterus is in perfect shape.

---

I became very proud of her for the fact that she has finally used logic. I actually find it a cute and naive threat. I read it as "I need to be with you."

Another promising type of treatment that I researched is the non-stimulant ADHD treatment medication, which has repeatedly been shown to improve BPD symptoms as well. She is using one that decreases norepinephrine in the entire brain while stimulating a specific region of the PFC, which helps in controlling emotions and with being more logical. She has been taking this medication intermittently and in fractional dosages, but it might also be helping.

Please feel free to ask questions, express concerns, and give advice.

Using your lawyer's process server is the least risky option.  This way you know service is accomplished and reported to the court.  Downsides?  The process server might not find her or get delayed elsewhere and then service has to be done at another time.  Or she might get upset that you didn't do it yourself.  Frankly, nothing you do or don't do will make her happy.

Hi CC43

Thank you for the response.  I thanked her for the birthday wishes and told her I loved her and would love to see her.  What she does with that is up to her.  I apologized for the only thing I could take responsibility for and hoped she could accept that apology and turn over a new leaf.  If she is not going to be specific about what the apology is for and what it means to her, which would open the floor to have an actual conversation then again that's up to her to decide whether she can move on.  My hope in doing this is that at some point she will get tired of trying to get me to do what she wants me to do to make things better.  I know that this is about more than the apology.  She can't tolerate the idea that she said very hurtful things to me.  It would mean she would have to feel the deep shame of what she said.  I'm hoping it's just enough to get her to the other side of this so moving forward we will be having a very different relationship. One where she can decide when she wants to connect and keeping it surface and simple where I don't share too much about my life and give very little to use against me.  I can only hope.

Hi there,

I see that your daughter is trying, and it was nice of her to recognize your birthday, with a token gift no less.  However, it seems sad that it might have been a "cover" to rekindle her grievances, a sort of bribe to extract what she thinks she wants--an apology from you.  Maybe it would depend on the wording of her note, but my sense from you is that you feel manipulated, correct?  Do you think that if you apologized, your daughter would recognize her role in the situation, the issue would be patched up, and you two could move forward?  Or maybe you think that if you "confess" and apologize, it would be tacit consent for your daughter to continue to treat you badly, and that she might escalate with increased demands for your time/money/resources which you can't afford to provide?

Oftentimes on these boards I read about situations of estrangement from BPD adult children.  I'm currently in that situation right now.  Generally I advise parents not to "beg" their estranged child to resume contact, because they are keeping their distance for a reason--possibly to get some time and space to get back to baseline, to "protect" themselves from supposedly "toxic" behavior, or maybe even to punish the offending parent with their absence.  When parents reach out too soon and frequently, I think it infringes on the adult child's desire for space, while at the same time it reminds the child of the unresolved emotional tension.  Having said that, on these boards I've recommended parents to consider sending simple well wishes on important dates, such as birthdays or a major holiday, to show that you still think about them and want them to feel included in the family.  But by the same token, I've advised to minimize any emotional content in the message, and anything that looks like manipulation or a bribe, such as "I have presents for you."  Here, the situation seems to have been reversed, because your estranged BPD daughter is the one reaching out to you on your birthday, but she sends a mixed message by trying to extract an apology from you.  That's exactly the sort of thing I've advised against.  Do you see what I mean?

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation.  I think I might acknowledge and thank her for sending the happy birthday wishes, in the hopes that that might open the door a crack towards a reconciliation.  But I doubt I'd make any unwarranted apology.  I might think about an apology along the lines of, "I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt, I never intended that," but my opinion is that it probably wouldn't be acceptable to your daughter, based on your post.  She's already showing her discontent for the timing of an apology from you, and my guess is that she'd dispute the content of it too.

Increasingly, I'm wondering if an apology will ever work with a pwBPD.  I get the sense that parents here are desperate and have repeatedly reached out to an unkind adult child who should have been the one to apologize.  A reasonable person would have empathy, seek clarification and understanding, find a way to patch things up and move forward.  But many pwBPD lack these traits.  Worse, their expectations can seem totally unreasonable, maybe even delusional, and their version of events can veer far off from the truth.  I guess I'm saying, apologizing for actual wrongs with reasonable people can lead to a positive outcomes, especially if you are sincere and try to make it up to them.  But making an unwarranted apology to an unreasonable person only fuels the fire in my opinion.  Apologizing could signal that you accept abusive behavior from your daughter.  She could take it a step further and demand retribution.  Does that sound about right?  I guess my question is, what is the most likely scenario?

This might be a little off topic, but I'll wrap up with a situation I encountered with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  She was estranged from her sister for a few years.  She had the idea of flying to her sister's place and reading her a letter detailing all the ways she felt abused by her sister, to air her many grievances so to speak.  I think she thought that upon hearing the words, her sister would apologize.  I didn't have to read the contents of the letter to sense that this idea wasn't a good one, because I was certain that the letter contained major fact distortions and was highly accusatory.  I felt there was no way her sister would agree to the narrative, let alone apologize, let alone "atone" and pay retribution.  I felt the whole scenario would backfire, and probably blow up.  So I discouraged the trip (BPD stepdaughter wanted the money for it).  At the same time, I felt the planned trip was just another distraction from what my adult BPD stepdaughter should have been doing, namely concentrating on her therapy and resuming some college studies.  A cross-country trip with a failed apology and sisterly blow-up would probably derail everything.  So I think it was best to maintain the status quo of estrangement at that time.  Clearly the BPD stepdaughter wasn't "ready" for reconciliation, as her thinking was too unreasonable, and her expectations weren't realistic.  Sound familiar?

Hi, I like how the planning is going, and all the comments above.

The advice about protecting yourself and the kids when a  scene is likely is very true. Have you thought about avoiding the risk of being alone with her in the house, even if there is a lock on the spare room's door.

You could consider putting yourself and the kids in a hotel room, leaving the divorce papers on a table, and then calling and telling her over the phone that you can't live there and keep your sanity, nor does she seem happy. Let her know the papers are there and that she needs to show them to a lawyer.

When you need to return to the house, a police officer can stand by, and if your wife has trashed anything, he or she is a witness to the damage. They stand by like that all the time and would rather do that than see escalation and physical harm come to someone.

She can't say you did anything to her if you're not there.

I wanted to add: Be extra careful what you say and do around your in laws.  From your other posts, it sounds like they will close ranks around their daughter before you even know what's happening.  do not assume they're in the dark, and do not worry about their feelings or hurting anyone.  Do what you have to do for you and your kids.

a pwBPD will say bad things about you regardless of whether you behaved fairly in a divorce or unfairly to them.  Don't allow concern for their feelings to cloud your judgment

My daughter sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday and some gift money.  We haven't spoken since December 2025.  I ner message she wasn't impressed that I haven't apologized. I set a boundary with her and she didn't like it.  However, it was because she had verbally and emotionally abused me.  She refused to apologize because I had cancelled hosting Christmas for that reason and others.  She is so hung up on getting an apology out of me.  I don't know what to say to her because in my heart an apology is a short term solution and not going to address the real issue of her behaviour. She thinks it's ok to say awful things and there are no reprocussions. She has OCD and narcissistic traits.  I feel like this is a test somehow.  I do miss her and love her and want this tension between us over but do I apologise even though she is the one who should apologise to me.  She will just think I can be controlled and do it again. Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

What you wrote really resonated. I like how you’re looking at the beliefs underneath why we stay, not just the chaos itself. One thing I’ve learned though is that insight alone doesn’t break the pattern. The real shift starts showing up in the small choices we make today… boundaries, detaching a little sooner, letting consequences land. Keep writing-it sounds like you’re starting to see your story more clearly.

That kind of jump from a normal moment into accusations and divorce threats can be really disorienting. A lot of us here know that feeling. When the accusations feel unfair, it’s very human to want to explain yourself.

From what you wrote, it sounds like the underwear wasn’t really the issue. Once fear gets triggered, the mind can build a whole story around something small.

It sounds like you stayed relatively calm and didn’t match the intensity, which isn’t easy in the moment. Sometimes the best outcome is simply getting through the storm without things escalating further.

Hi again,

OK you certainly might benefit from learning skills.  One good one that works for me is to "gray rock," meaning I remain as calm, still and boring as a gray rock, and don't I get sucked into conversations when emotions are running high.  The idea is that when emotions are running high, he's not really listening anyway, and the negative emotions hijack his thought process.  By not "engaging," I'm not adding fuel to the emotional fire, and I'm not perpetuating the circular arguments.

Another related skill is not to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain--when emotions are running high.  The same premise applies as when you gray rock.

Similarly, I think of a dysregulation as an emotional rollercoaster.  I let the pwBPD get on the rollercoaster, but I choose not to ride alongside them.  Instead, I wait calmly at the exit until they get off, because I just don't like rollercoaster rides.

These tools collectively might be thought of as "adult time outs."  Mostly the adult time out is for the pwBPD, but honestly it works for me too.  I get some time to calibrate my response (if any).  I try to remain "calm, cool and collected" CC43.  Sometimes it's easier said than done.  My advice?  Try not to interrupt the time out.  Let him approach you when he's ready.  Don't "beg" for communication or a response from him, because "begging" is emotionally charged, and could be understood as an admission of guilt.  In my opinion, when you reach out preemptively, when you check in with him, it could "dignify" his poor behavior, and "reward" him with your attention. If he's still off his rocker when he approaches you, just let him go back into the adult time out.  You can invent an excuse if necessary, without projecting blame (I'm at an appointment, now's not a good time for this conversation, bye.)

But for these skills to work, I think you need to be in the right headspace first.  To do that, first you have to recognize that you're not at fault, you're not to be blamed or held responsible for your son's problems, no matter how hard he tries to convince you otherwise.  You also have to admit that you can't FIX your son--only he can do that.  You are not responsible for his feelings--he is.  You need to get out of the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  Right now the FOG is probably making you not see things as clearly as you could.  Once you get out of the FOG, I think it's easier to apply the skills.  In a way, I might be "lucky," because the pwBPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter.  Since I married her dad when she was about to start college, perhaps I don't feel "responsible" for her upbringing, let alone guilty or burdened by a sense of obligation for not giving her the childhood she wanted. 

My other general advice for parents is to double-down on self-care when feeling stressed out.  For me that includes eating clean, daily exercise and getting sleep.  I'm not a great sleeper, so the first two--diet and exercise--are even more important for me, to set me up for the restful sleep I need.  On top of that, self-care for me includes finding balance in my life.  I can't let BPD dysfunction ruin my life for me, I don't deserve it.  So I make a point to practice my hobbies (for example walking outdoors, sewing, reading and learning languages), as well as connect with friends and extended family.  I actually make a point to be a good role model for the pwBPD of what a healthy adult's life looks like.  In my house I'm generally the one to make fun plans (a ski outing, trip to the beach, going to a concert).  It just seems easier to handle BPD when I'm in a happier mindset, and when I have a full and meaningful life.  Then dealing with BPD seems to be a more minor, temporary disruption, not my entire life.  And I avoid feelings of resentment, grief, anger, powerlessness, manipulation, financial exploitation, etc.--at least I try to avoid feeling that way.  Does that make sense?