Hi, Welcome. I'm sorry your daughter is struggling terribly. I'm sure you are hurting as well. It's hard to see our kids in pain. You are in the right place. I'm new as well. I'm confident someone who has experience here will answer you shortly. Reading others posts and responses help. As well as going to the Library and reading tools and skills. That is wonderful she is willing to accept help. Maybe you already have someone in mind? A DBT clinician can be helpful. Take care of yourself too, that's important.  Like we're told before a flight, take oxygen first and then make sure your child has their oxygen mask. Feel free to share as much as you need, this is a safe space.

Hi!

I have a child with BPD. She is struggling terribly and I have no idea where to start or what to do first. She is 30 years old and is in a place where she’s agreed to let me help.

Please help!

I met my now ex partner who had undiagnosed bpd about 5 months ago. We hit it off instantly and felt that there was an immediate chemistry. He was kind, sweet, considerate but there was also a side to him that was incredibly sensitive and emotionally labile. There were instances early on in the relationship where I  would challenge something he’d said or how he had treated me. On 2 very specific situations when I had done this quite early on in the relationship he threatened to leave me and said he was done. I remember being very surprised and taken aback because it was over very little things but he would feel as though I was attacking his integrity and what he stood for as a person. I practically begged each time for him to take me back when he would do this. He would make it really hard because he would block me, ghost me etc so I would have to find ways around it to get him to communicate. I felt like I was fighting with a purpose because what we had was so special.

He moved in with me after only 2 months of dating and it was pure bliss. However he had a drinking problem that I did not know about. He was drinking everyday and saying that it was just something he needed to do to relax in the evenings after work.  I didn’t like it and asked him to stop or at least reduce it which he tried to do but this led to him increasing his drinking unbeknown to me.

There were separate challenges around the fact that we blended our families together, my partner with his son and I have 2 children. One of my children is Autistic and had an incredibly difficult time adjusting to the different dynamics in the home. Lashing out, harming herself, throwing things she was incredibly dysregulated.

He was very supportive around this at the beginning but then towards the end it started to affect him.

We would have disagreements about how she should be parented, he felt I should have been giving her harsh consequences for her behaviours whereas I wanted to comfort her and regulate her as I knew she was struggling with the changes at home. He couldn’t see the nuance of the situation and felt it should only be handled one way. This caused tension to grow in the relationship however I always felt emotionally safe and didn’t think he would ever leave me.

Then 6 weeks ago out of the blue he left me and went to another area of the country to go and be with an old friend. He claimed he’d had a mental health breakdown and needed a safe haven with his friend. I assumed his friend was a male and thought nothing of it. He then started telling me that he was done with me and was never coming back. He stopped communicating and then all I would get is the odd text here and there. Meanwhile I was in despair and worried sick about him. I then got word that he had gone to get himself sectioned as he had self-harmed. He was later arrested and then released. When he was released from police custody I was told he was released to his partners address. My heart sank, I was confused. I was his partner. I then found out that the friend he had been staying with was female. He assured me that nothing was going on and that it was planktonic and she was just an old friend from his youth. He quickly got attached to a mental health team and he was allowing me access to his records to see how he was doing and progressing with home visits etc. The mental health team told me that he was extremely agoraphobic and anxious. They told me that he wanted to come home to me but didn’t know how and he was struggling to leave the house.

I supported him by sending him frequent texts whilst also respecting his need for space. When he could text me he was telling me he loved me, he missed me and wanted to come home. He told me to wait for him and that I should not give up on him. Foolishly I believed him. I then found out that he had been cheating on me with the friend. Sadly he denied it and took no accountability for his actions. He led me on with the hope that he still wanted to be with me and come home. When all the while he was carrying on with this women. They have just recently gone official with their relationship on social media and it broke my heart, I just can’t believe it. He was so kind and loving and great with me and my kids. He was generous and extremely hard working. I don’t know who this person is, I have tried to reach out to reconnect and I told him I loved him. He hasn’t responded to any of my texts. It’s proving really hard to move on. It’s just so painful.

Please can you give me any advice on how to navigate this?

More of a vent and just further validation that moving towards divorce is the answer… I’ve lost count of how many special occasions, holidays, Christmases, you name it that have been ruined and taken over by my uBPDw and her becoming completely dysregulated. She’s an alcoholic too, but is in incomplete denial. I’m mean, true we’re on vacation but a lot of times it starts with her drinking excessively. Everything’s happy until it’s not. Alcohol definitely is not a prerequisite though. She’s completely capable of becoming unhinged stone cold sober.

My wife’s mother is paying for a family vacation for our family and my wife’s sister‘s family to all be together for the week over New Year’s out of the country. After a long, first day of traveling everybody getting along great the second day started out great as well. We all went to the breakfast buffet, at nine in the morning my wife and her sister started drinking mimosas. Not unexpected, but then came a bottle of Prosecco and she barely ate any breakfast. She had a few bites of food literally. I got her an omelette from the omelette bar. She didn’t touch it. And she didn’t eat the rest of the day! But she continue drinking the rest of the day. Not uncommon. I had gone with her sister out of the resort to run an errand. When we came back just a couple hours later I spoke to my wife on the phone and she was slurring her words at 2pm But she was still in a positive mood. Next thing I knew she went out with her sister to another resort bar, a short while latershe was sending me a text that she was frustrated with her sister. And it just continued to escalate from there. She went from raging on her sister because she wasn’t there for her or something blah blah, then predictably to raging at me. (she says the reason she was so upset is because I had her hospitalized last summer in a psych facility.) she wouldn’t come out to dinner with the entire family then she was mad because I didn’t leave dinner to come and get her out of the hotel. Even though we all asked her to come to dinner many times even after we got there we were texting her telling her to come join us. I even offered to come meet her if she wasn’t sure how to get to the restaurant we were at (it was a short walk from the room). After the family finished at the restaurant we walked back and she was sitting with suprise, a glass of wine in the lobby of the hotel, and wanted to. “Talk”. For her to talk means vent out her feelings and spiral spiral spiral spiral. She always says we need to resolve this now! You need to fix this!  I’ve literally heard all this 100 times, this episode is no different than the 100s of others. I’m of course, being calm and her mother had come out of the room and I was trying to talk her down. Everybody talks to her and tells her to calm down. everybody else thinks she can just pull it together and that she’s normal. I know there’s no use because this is a serious mental illness & she’s drunk as a skunk. Next thing I know hotel security came into the lobby because someone was complaining about fighting and screaming. (my wife). Her mom and I managed to calm her down. At this point, I’m not worried about the long-term bs, I don’t care about telling her what she wants. I basically promised her I would never call the police, which isn’t true of course. I hundred percent believe that I’m gonna end up calling the police on her at our home, she gets violent and aggressive and physical. And I think that there’s gonna be a point where I do call the police and that will be the end of our marriage, because I’ll probably have to get a restraining order..

I wish I could say this was abnormal or unexpected. The fact is it is almost more surprising if she doesn’t have an episode during a trip or special occasion.

So most here already know it but if your partner ruins special occasions, or holidays, you are not alone. I cannot count how many Christmases are other special days or holidays have had this cloud over them. All I keep thinking of this week is how this is probably the last holiday. I’ll be taking with her… I fantasize about what it’s gonna be like to travel in peace to live in peace. Not looking forward to the 6-12 months of hell of going through the divorce. Sad for my kids but it’s the right thing for them as well.

I recall that after my child was born, my then-spouse behaved for over a year as though she had postpartum depression.  It was so difficult.  Then she quit breastfeeding and life was so much better - for a couple months.  Then one of her friends called her a traitor and the march of ranting and raging resumed and life worsened again.  In her case nursing a baby was a factor for a time, but underlying it all was the personality dysfunction.


Another factor could be that the children are grown or nearly grown and so the .tress factors are reduced.


Three for three?  Perhaps your relationship selection criteria would benefit with some tweaking.

Another thought... we members here are reasonably normal guys and gals.  By that I mean we're more or less okay but even so, we're not perfect.  While those with BPD traits could benefit with extensive therapy, this does not mean we're exempt.  All of us can benefit from counseling.

it's like babyproofing for a child with the skills/abilities of a smart adult. My ex was intelligent and outwardly seemed quite put together in public. Everything causes a rage, everything. What was adored and loved yesterday is now a reason to scream today. I never understood it at all. My favorite thing to tell people is 'unless you've lived through it, you have no idea how bad it is and how it actually changes you'.

the whole differing opinions thing is hard. I never really knew how to argue with my ex. I of course had my complaints and concerns that every single person and therapist I've shared with agreed on, but that's where it stopped really. I will say I did grow to get more and more offensive as the years went on. I would entertain those hours long arguments where I'd just disagree the whole time. Unsure if I'm justifying an issue in me, but I just got so beat down by every single thing I did being an issue. Every other day or more was 'can we talk?'...that phrase would just shut me down. I had a hard time empathizing as well, in that I could not see how some things needed to be an argument, so even saying the words 'I can see how you feel that way' got really hard to say. Like you it's easier for me to just nod my head, listen, apologize for whatever and then try to move on.

I'm in a spot where I don't feel comfortable enough to have differing opinions on most tings. It simmply is not worth the conflict it causes. I've  become alot more quiet becaus I don't wish to go down that road yet again. It's best just not to say anything at all then be called names and told about all the reasons i am wrong,

This hit hard. Its a bit like babyproofing isn't it. You look all round the room and see where the baby could get hurt or into tounble. Only now I do it for pwBPD. what could cause a rage here? the amt of time ive spent mentaly debating over the tiniest, most pointless things would be unbelievable to anyone who has not had a loved one with Bpd. 

Hi @Deadhead4420 ,

I can see you got excellent advice there. But I'd like to add one thing.

I have had 4 stable relationships with women that had mental health issues and had kids with 3 of them. This sums up to 30 years of experience, not counting my own mother. I have also been in relationships with mentally healthy women, so I understand the distinction. So I think I can predict something about your situation.

From what I understood, you were expecting her to move in to your place.

Your existence in her life is already something that can motivate her to improve. And if she didn't have BPD, then things wouldn't be so complicated. However, because of BPD and the drug combination, I think living together just can't work at the moment. She will have to get sober and find treatment and improve first before it works for both of you to live together. That's my advice.

A relationship can certainly help one to get sober, if it's healthy, and it may encourage her to adhere to a treatment for BPD as well. But not if you are too close. If the state of the pwBPD is too bad, then living together is not recommended and will backfire, destroying the relationship and creating more traumas. Unless you wait for her to improve significantly (which may take years). The patience of waiting in the beginning while focusing on the treatments may be the recipe for having a lifelong successful relationship. Think about it like you were collecting resources to buy a house for both of you.