Hi Hopeful,
You've come to the right place. Ordinarily I'd write a long reply, as your post touches on many themes: behavior that spoils vacations and happy moments, creating a convoluted victim narrative, rewriting history, cutting off contact, threats, blaming, therapy, sibling dynamics, operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, the works.
I'd suggest that you take a look at some of my prior posts, which explain some of these themes. I think if you click on my name (CC43), you can click through to my recent posts.
But I see some reasons for hope: You have a diagnosis; at least you and your daughter know what you're dealing with. BPD is treatable, provided your daughter wants to make some changes for the better. And your BPD daughter isn't living with you full time, which gives you a break, as well as makes it increasingly difficult for your daughter to continue to blame you for absolutely everything wrong in her life. Maybe she's functioning reasonably well as an adult (job, education, living independently, maintaining friendships)--if she is, that's huge.
Maybe you're relieved to take a break from your daughter's nastiness. But you're also worried sick about her, right? And you can't help but feel some guilt--about how you raised her, about how your relationship is going. We get that. Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise, no matter how hard she tries to create a narrative of a terrible, abusive childhood. In my experience, that's classic BPD, and it's a deflection from her current issues.
All my best to you.



?). She told her siblings she would be doing so, not me. She also asked her stepbrother if she can stay with him when she comes for graduation. I feel so hurt, I feel grief, loss, anger. I also feel some relief if that's the right word. Relief that the terrible thing she's been threatening since last summer has finally happened. Relief that I'm getting something of a break. All I can do is build skills for when she reaches back out, which I fully believe she will do. Nobody else is going to be the endless supply of support and reinforcement that I have been, nor is anyone else going to be the target for her extreme aggression and anger. I suspect the best course is not to engage further as it may only exacerbate things. The only way to let her know that I understand and she can take all the time she needs is by letter.
). Having a break (through low contact) from the unrelenting blaming by my sibling has helped my guilt to subside. It comes back at times, but increasingly when she reaches out to snipe at me, my guilt tweak is followed quickly by recognition of how nasty and uncalled for her behavior is and the guilt dissipates.