Hi there,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and especially for you having to deal with the repercussions of your disordered sister's behavior.  Surely this has been going on for years, and probably for most of your life.  It's understandable that this situation causes distress, not just to you but to your entire family.

I think that if you are feeling stressed out, you deserve a break.  It doesn't have to be forever, just for now.  If talking to your sister opens old wounds, I think it's OK to take a break.  You don't have to announce this to anyone; just steer clear of her.  If it upsets you when your mom talks about your sister, then you could say, "Mom, I love you, but talking about sis stresses me out too much, let's talk about something else."  By my thinking, this would represent you taking care of yourself, by reducing your stress load right now.

The best way for you to support yourself and your family is to be calm, steady and not wracked with guilt.  Here we talk about operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds our judgment.  When living in a FOG, we tend to have trauma-based, fight or flight reactions.  And we're exhausted, irritable and generally feeling lousy.  You deserve to get back to a healthier, more balanced, more serene place.  Give yourself some grace, take a break and consider therapy, too.  How does that sound?  This is what family members who truly love you would want for you.  It's what you'd want for you too.  Loving yourself means taking care of yourself first and foremost.  Only then will you be equipped to take care of others.

All my best to you.

If he has a pattern of insisting on NDAs, what does this say about his track record in seeking relationships?  What does this say of his respect for his partners when he expects them to become ex-partners?  What does this say about what he thinks of you?

As a side thought, with him cycling through multiple relationships, it might be wise to insist on proof of no STDs, though even that is no guarantee.

Let's do a thought experiment.  (Some of Albert Einstein's best "thought experiments" led to profound physics breakthroughs.)

Picture yourself 5 or 10 years from now.  You're in the same relationship as now, perhaps made official by marriage, perhaps a few children too.  Sounds normal, right?  But - and this is a huge "but" - she still argues endlessly about everything and nothing, you're still cast almost daily as Mr Evil Personified.  And not just you are suffering, so are the kids.  Yes, 5 or 10 years of sheer negativity, disparagement, conflict, threats and endless crap.  You were warned long ago this was a severe mental illness, though not to the extent of qualifying for incarceration or commitment to a mental health asylum.  So... would you look back and wish you would have made different choices 5 or 10 years before?

Another way of picturing this is the "step outside the box" perspective.  This is the subjective versus the objective comparison.  You know how you feel from the inside... What if you step outside the scenario and are asked, "What would you advise a good friend if it was they were in your dilemma?"

I'll repeat my prior observation:  It sounds a little to me like this guy is bragging.  He thinks he's so important he needs you to sign an NDA?  He's willing to pay you 20 grand to get you to sign it?  He's paid past ex-girlfriends to do this?  It sounds to me like he's overcompensating for his insecurities, as well as treating girlfriends like commodities to be purchased, coerced and/or discarded.

How about this?  Don't sign any NDA.  Don't even bother looking at it.  Don't accept money from him, if he has it anyway, which I doubted from the beginning.

Just my two cents.

Also, signing an NDA is meaningless if the person you're suing isn't rich, or doesn't have assets you can collect against (e.g. they don't own a house).

So his ex signs and NDA, and then divulges the context of their relationship publicly... somehow.  I don't know, posts pictures on facebook, or tells his secrets or private communications.  Now he has to decide to sue them for breaching the NDA.  That's going to cost him a lot of money... at least ~$25K just to file. 

Say they defend themselves and fight back.  Now you're looking at a full trial possibly, and getting into six figures in legal fees for each side.

Now say he wins... what are his damages exactly?  The other party may have to pay his legal fees.  Can he demonstrate that he suffered some sort of harm to make it worth it? 

Let's say for argument's sake he can show that his business suffered, and he lost out on a million dollar contract because his ex breached his/her NDA.  Does the person he's dating have anywhere near that amount?  Probably not    So his BALLER move of having his exes sign NDAs is just bluffing

EDIT: I missed the post about him showing up drunk and wanting to cuddle.

He sounds less put together than I assumed when I wrote my longer response!

Guessing he's one of those guys who's reading posts from the "Manosphere" and influenced by something some idiot said.

Call his bluff... ask to see a copy of the NDA, and say that if you agree to sign it, he's got to put $20K in an escrow fund with a stipulation to the agent that as soon as you sign that agreement, the money is remitted to you.  And he has to pay the escrow agent's fees (no big deal.  he's right right?)

Get "Walking on Eggshells," or one of the other books by Bill Eddy on the topic of BPD.  Or read through the articles under the "Diagnosis + Treatment" tab on this website.

And consider whether you truly "love" her or you're just infatuated with her and pursuing her because she's there.  Love is a two way street, or should be.  There are a lot of questions around whether someone with a behavioral disorder can truly love another person back, or at least reciprocate the same unconditional love they're receiving. 

I've read a lot of comments from people posting here who have not had a lot of relationships for whatever reason, and they get hooked on a pwBPD, & because of lack of other options, allow themselves to get dragged in circles and feel like they have to chase this one (1) person so they're not left alone.  Don't be like that.  It's okay to be alone, and life is too short to spend it eternally frustrated by a partner unwilling or unable to maintain a stable relationship. 

yeah that, too.  I mean, you don't do things you want to be held confidential by the NDA BEFORE you get a signed NDA.

In business, we don't disclose confidential things to a potential partner, then say "Okay, now sign our NDA"

Makes me think, like I said, the NDA is more his way of paying an ex to go away amicably when he's bored of them and wants to move on.

I have a couple thoughts below:

Being "extremely secretive" is certainly a 

I take this to mean you are not currently his GF, and have just been friends?  Is he pushing you to agree to sign an NDA before you become BF/GF, or is he saying you'll sign an NDA now just because of your friendship? 

One thing you shouldn't agree to is to agree to sign an NDA before seeing it... and ideally paying an attorney to review it (which is maybe an hour or two of legal work. not a big fee).


If I had to wager why he's presented this, it's because he's essentially a "sugar daddy" here, looking to have some fun with someone (i.e. you) until he gets bored, then pays you to go away. 

Now I could be wrong... but it sounds like this is an established pattern for him, and he expects the relationship with you to go the same way. 


I'm assuming he wants to have his kicks when he's with you (whatever they are; drinking, drugs, sexual, etc.) and even if they aren't that far out of the norm, he values his privacy - as we all do - and doesn't want a jilted ex- trying to blackmail him to get more money with pictures or stories of their time together.  If he's wealthy and has a public reputation, he's going to be cognizant of that, and pictures - even relatively tame ones  - of him cutting loose would conflict with that. Now, exes could blackmail him even without an NDA of course, but having the NDA gives him another stick to hit them with to behave.

That's not a good sign he's already trying to coerce you into signing it. 

As far as whether they're common, I think as we get more and more extremely wealthy people, and the disparity in wealth and power between them and everyone else grows, they're becoming more common, and the world we live in is changing... 

So sorry for your loss. But never forget, someone with BPD is expert at pouring guilt onto others, the very mechanism that isn’t health for their children, or anyone. Keeping healthy boundaries is your only way to avoid being pulled into that unhealthy dynamic. Sounds like you’re doing the health thing, as hard as I know it can be. Your sibling with bipolar, sounds like they have self awareness (something someone with BPD struggles with) maybe that’s a healthier sibling connection ?

Maybe you need to grieve the sister (BPD) you thought you had ? Maybe consider talking therapies, as you have a lot to unpack here ? Sending you love,  as a BPD family member, it’s never easy. But from what you’ve written, I see no need for you to feel guilt. 20/20 is hindsight, you’re not your nephew's parent, you weren’t close to what went on in the house, how on earth could you have prevented this ? A BPD wouldn’t have allow anyone else to meddle. Be good to yourself, sounds like you’ve been a good sister and daughter. What good or benefit will you feeling guilt have ?