I've wondered that too my entire life.  Maybe grandma/grandpa simply had a good year financially, so they bought the youngest a bike.  There's no telling.  But I'd always tell my mom, "Good for you...you earned that bike and knew it's value.  Your parents prepared you to be frugal and thankful in life.  Meanwhile, your sister never seemed to learn that lesson."

I often wonder if my mom was in fact BPD.  Super loving and caring person, yet super explosive anger that came out of nowhere.  She'd tell you off then take you for ice cream a few hours later.  I never truly understood her but she was a fantastic mom.  There was always tons of ranting though over things throughout her life...she never could let a single bit of it go.

Anonymous22:
For a long time I wasn't particularly good at enforcing boundaries. I've started changing that. Now, when the swearing starts, I give one warning and then disengage completely if it continues. This can be difficult, particularly when we're in the car and I'm being yelled at while driving.

I've also stopped keeping the physical aggression a secret and have told people close to me about it. There was one incident where I lost my temper, pushed her hand away and shouted at her after she hit me. I apologized afterward because I wasn't happy with how I reacted. The more overt hitting seems to have stopped since then, although smaller things like shoving me aside when I'm pushing the stroller still happen.

I'm conflicted about involving the authorities. Being the larger and physically stronger person, I don't generally feel threatened with serious injury. It's the emotional impact that affects me most. I also worry about the consequences of involving the police when there's a young child in the household, especially if it leads to child protective services getting involved without actually improving the situation.

Notwendy:
The caretaker/victim relationship dynamic really resonates with me. Things have always been worse during stressful periods, but having a baby has made the situation much harder for me to tolerate.

I recently read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and it was almost unsettling how accurately it described what I've been experiencing. One of the biggest realizations for me was how much of my own distress comes from absorbing my partner's emotional state. I had spent so long feeling responsible for calming her down that I hadn't really considered the possibility of simply allowing her to be upset without making it my problem.

That shift in perspective has been surprisingly helpful. When I remove myself from an argument, I can often recognize that I don't actually share the feelings that were overwhelming me just minutes earlier.

The initial response to setting boundaries hasn't been encouraging. Arguments have become more frequent and intense, at least for now. But they're also becoming more predictable, and when you stop engaging on their terms, there's not really much left to discuss.

What I haven't figured out is how the relationship can be a positive influence in my life if I accept that this is the permanent state of things. I still get caught in the same cycle of feeling hopeful after a good day, even when it's preceded by weeks of conflict. I start relaxing and thinking perhaps things have finally improved, and then another episode happens and I find myself devastated all over again. Maybe the answer is to also become more measured about the positive emotions and know that just like the bad ones, theyre sometimes intense and wont last forever. And to invest more in friendships, family, and the parts of life that are independent of my partner.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place, know that you're not alone in this.

While it's understandable you feel overwhelming guilt, and you want what's best for your partner, you don't have control over her emotions or her actions.  If you did, you would have waved your magic wand already and made the pain and discord vanish, right?  Alas, it's not in your power to change your partner.  And there's no magic pill for BPD, either.  That's partly why I highlighted the text above:  you can't treat BPD with medications, though medications CAN help with co-existing conditions, like anxiety or depression.  Basically the only way to treat BPD is with specialized therapy.  For that to work, your partner needs to want it to work, and she needs to do the work, because therapy IS work.

The other reason I highlighted the text above is that I'm noticing that YOU are the one fighting to get your partner treatment.  That sounds to me like you want her to get better more than she does.  In my opinion, a sign that your partner wants therapy will be when she advocates for herself and SHE is pushing to get appointments.  Sure, she might "go along with" therapy, probably to get something out of you--namely your attention, your panic, your apologies, your promises to cater to her every whim.  It's possible she just wants to see you frantic and sad, so that you can get a glimpse of the pain she's in, and yet she'll insist that you can't understand it, because her pain is special and extreme.

Anyway, my humble opinion is that if she wants therapy, she has to be the one to make it happen.  She needs to be "ready" to embrace therapy, and to have "skin in the game."  If you're the one pushing to arrange for therapy, my guess is that she's not "ready," and she won't be "ready" until it's her only remaining option.

In the meantime, what about you?  Dealing with the aftermath of a suicide attempt is really sad and disorienting.  Here, we emphasize self-care.  Take care of yourself, first and foremost.  You're no good to your partner if you're a frazzled mess.  Take a break, get some sleep, eat right, get some therapy if you need it.  Talk to a trusted friend, family member or religious figure.  I think friends and family are really important, because they know you, will give you a reality check and keep you grounded.  Only when you're calm should you be dealing with your partner.  With luck, some of your calmness will rub off on her.  In the meantime, I'd say, don't do anything drastic, and defer any critical decisions until you're in a calm place and you can think straight.  Just take it a day at a time for now.

Family disfunction can be intergenerational. The hurt that Pook's mother described could have been real, as disordered families can have a designated golden child and also a scapegoat child. Whether or not a child becomes an adult with BPD is due to many factors, including the child's own resilience. The bicycle was not a single factor but it may be what Pook's mother focused on and as a child, the incident may have felt very hurtful.

It also could be how Pook's mother perceived it though her own form of writing history. If the parents had other reasons, they may not have been something a child comprehends.

I find it helpful to look at past family dynamics in order to identify patterns of behavior and our own emotional "programming" growing up. One reason dysfunction can be intergenerational is that for a child growing up in it, it's the only normal they know, so they tend to repeat it.

The information is useful as a guide for our own growth, but it isn't useful to blame it as an excuse for behaviors. A pwBPD may lack the insight to go beyond that. However, you have the opportunity to change the cycle for yourself.

The grief is a part of it- it's a process. Its OK to feel it. Sometimes the grief is felt during milestones, like a wedding. Now married, you are beginning your new stage of life with your spouse. It's a change for you and your mother as well.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable feelings and so project them outwards- on to someone or something else. That your mother blamed your honeymoon, it wasn't about the honeymoon, it was that this event became her reason to blame on to. If not the honeymoon, or the divorce, it would be something else.

Seing this as a function of their disorder helps to make it not personal to you, even though it still feels hurftul and you have empathy for your mother. Hopefully it will give some perspective.

One example from my family is that my BPD mother blamed me for the issues between my parents when I was a teen ager (they didn't divorce but there were issues). I believed that when I went to college, my parents would be happier. That wasn't true, because- neither you or I were the cause of marital issues. We can see the absurdity of this now, but it was also hurtful to hear this. Our situations were different but the behavior pattern was similar.

The grief is real, and it's OK to allow yourself to feel it. One for the child who does not have the kind of relationship with a mother we wish we had. Another is for the parent whose disorder causes them so much emotional hurt.

However, we can not fix this for them. This is an analogy for this situation. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

Another one for me was when I took water safety classes as a teen which included some life guarding lessons. One was to never let the drowning person grab on to you. They are frantic and will pull you down under. It doesn't mean they are evil or plotting to hurt you. It means they are desperate and frantic and that is to me similar to how someone with BPD can feel. However, if they grab on to you both of you will be under the water.

Another lesson was how to get loose from the grip if they do. The lesson- do what you can- throw a life preserver or float to them, or get them in a position where they can't drag you under- help if you choose- in ways that are safe without compromising your own survival.

For some people that means not going in the water with them at all. You car n take care of your own well being.

There is a phrase BPD FOG as in Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I see two factors here.

First, distance apart typically reduces the exposure to disordered perceptions, conflict and negativity.

Second, getting married was likely perceived by her as making you more obligated to the relationship.  (It's an implied obligation similar to having children together.  The difference is that a marriage can be undone in family court, but having children is a forever link.)  So it is not surprising that it wasn't long before the discord resumes.  While her therapy may have been helpful, the reality is that therapy and some meds are helpful but not complete cures.


This too is a known pattern, being triggered by holidays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, preparing for vacation, while on vacation, almost anything and often nothing.  The logical approach (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work when dealing this a person immersed in emotional perceptions.  There are better approaches (DEARMAN, SET, BIFF, etc) as described here in topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.


It is hard to determine whether suicidal threats or attempts are actual distress or manipulation.  So it is best to call emergency services and leave the determination to those trained to assess motivations and proper services.

However, be forewarned that many threatening suicide will Deny it when police or paramedics arrive, so have witnesses or recorded proof available to counter the posturing otherwise.


You can't save other people, especially when they are impacted by acting-out disorders.  It's difficult to predict a positive outcome here with failure during years of past track record.  You may have to Accept that you tried but were again unsuccessful.  Now is a good time to focus on yourself and your own emotional recovery.  Browse the topic "4.01 Grieving our losses" which is in the above link.

Also, do not discount the benefit of sessions with a local counselor or therapist who has experience dealing with BPD patterns and impacts on those around them.  The peer support here is great, but so is local counseling.

If you do end up divorcing, we have a separate board for those posts.

100% agree with this.  I also agree that boundaries can be tough to enforce.  Like mine:  "You can live with me if you are respectful, working full time and drug-free."  Why this boundary?  Because I believe that's what's needed for a peaceful living situation, one in which all adults contribute, are respectful and don't engage in abusive behaviors.  By the way, I define "working" in the broad sense, through some combination of paid work, schooling, volunteering, training, therapy, housework and/or searching for a job--you know, doing something productive for yourself or your environment.  Anyway, my pwBPD would claim she was working "really hard."  Actually, she'd start out OK, maybe working two or three shifts a week, while making a huge show of filling out applications for half an hour, and getting an online interview from time to time.  I'd think, that's not really full time, but it's better than nothing, and she got a couple interviews, so that's a gigantic plus.  To me, she was moving in the right direction (ForeverDad's "overall positive"), even if she was technically falling short of the bargain.  Nevertheless, this situation was short lived.  A few weeks later, she stopped filling out applications, and a month later, she hadn't landed any more interviews.  The hours she worked dwindled, to maybe one shift per week, or none.  Her mood soured, because she KNEW she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, and also because I think she realized that her ideal office job wouldn't just fall into her lap like she expected.  She lost her momentum, and she was slipping back into old habits, namely sleeping and napping most of the days away, when she was supposed to be working, training and/or filling out job applications.  The only reason she could sleep during daytime was because she was living with me for free.  So we had to ask her to leave.  Actually, I think she wanted us to ask her to leave, because she couldn't stand the sense of failure, AND she wanted to be able to play victim and say that she was "kicked out."  Well, she was kicked out, but it was her decision, because to stay she would have had to get a job, any job--and there were abundant HELP WANTED signs within a five-mile radius.  It was her choice, and her dad and I reacted how we said we would, when it was clear there was negative momentum.  Sure, her narrative will be different, but deep down, she knows she gave up on herself.  She just wants to blame it on me and her dad.  The good news is, that when she lives on her own, she HAS to get a job to make rent.  And she has done that, more or less.  The momentum shifted when the enablement ended!

Too often the vehement poor-me stories pwBPD are fixated upon and repeat endlessly are often unsubstantiated (lacking documented facts or verified by independent testimony) and described through subjective emotion-compromised perceptions.

I completely understand and that really resonated with me.  My mom, who was not diagnosed but definitely suffering from something, would tell the same stories throughout her life.  One that I've heard hundreds of times was how she had to work and save up to buy a bicycle, yet her parents bought one for her younger sister.  Then the bike was stolen because the little sister never took care of it, and her parents bought a 2nd bike almost immediately. 

And my mom could never let go of this- 70 years later it was still visibly painful for her to experience.

I always thought the same thing- stop focusing on a bike from decades ago.  Focus on the good stuff in your life today instead.  It's part of the illness though, always circling back to the doom and gloom.

I'll repeat what I said in my last post.  You are responsible for you, mom is responsible for mom.  You must learn to separate the two things.  Congrats on getting married!!!!