Keep in mind that even if they decide to get therapy, there is a good chance it may not work. My ex had a psychiatrist and psychologist for many years, was on a handful of medications for adhd/anxiety/depression, and it was not enough. Nothing could ever help her see her emotions, anger and outright abuse was anything but my fault. Add in reactive abuse from me, and everything became justified and I was a villain to her and everyone she shared one sided stories with.

I second working on your communication style. I failed at that, because I could not empathize with made up stories, twisted scenarios and her abuse. I couldn't find it in myself to understand and acknowledge her pain when I was on the receiving end of horrible treatment.

Look up the JADE argument technique. I'm sure you do it, and it is a sure way to make things explode...even when you are 100% in the right.

When is the last time you've spoken to her directly?  Maybe the way forward is finding the middle ground where you can co-exist in the workplace.  I know that you absolutely don't want to do that, but I didn't realize you were up for a big promotion either.  If you could wait until your boss retires, run the department for a year or two, then transfer out, you'd be in much better shape.

If you go sooner though, it's not a lateral transfer...it simply is a better fit for your life.  People switch jobs due to the commute, due to hybrid work policies, etc.  There's no shame in that if it's what you decide.

I have the same Avoidant/BPD dynamic in my marriage.  I have to understand that my wife will always see me, and only me, as the problem (unless and until she gets the professional help she needs). In the meantime, there are ways to find boundaries that can help meet both of your needs.  There are good books out there that talk about this. I'm thinking of the one by Abby Medcalf,  but can't remember the title offhand.

I'm actively searching and now that the government is open I look all the time. I have some very good contacts at a neighboring research facility looking out for me. I think there's a few positions in the pipeline. It would be a lateral move, but I'll take that for peace.

It absolutely keeps everything fresh in some ways. I'm absolutely much better than I was initially, but it just doesn't actually disappear. What I don't like is nothing has really changed for me; live in the same home we shared, I have our same pets, same bed, same job...nothing changed other than I'm single, yet have to worry about daily run ins with the bpd one.

I struggle a lot to move on while being here, very tough.

Part of me is quite annoyed as well, in that I'm lined up for a section chief position here once my boss retires within a year. But....in that position I'd be required to interact with my exes boss frequently, probably my ex, and be forced to attend meetings with her. I just can't do that. I still get anxiety when she comes by, or emails my offices group email. I've never had a 'trauma' response to anything in my life like this. So annoyed with how this has affected me.

Your issue sounds very close to exactly like my experience with my wife.  I'm at a similar point in our relationship. I wish I had the answer for you, but I'm still puzzling through it myself.  The written apology sounds like a good idea to me, but I'm not a professional, just someone who's in your same position, and still struggling to work it out.
What helps me is to never surrender to hopelessness, but to stay present in the moment and deal with what is, and do what I can to make each day the best it can be.  Sometimes that means just surviving, but still knowing that there will be better days.
My therapist told me not to make physical intimacy a goal.  That's hard as a man to come to grips with.  But the reality is that, yes, it may never come back.  It might, but striving for it is not the answer. It sounds like she has a good therapist and has accepted her BPD as reality, which is not the case in my situation.  It's really great that she's getting that therapy, as treatment can really help her, and, I believe, provide the foundation for a good path forward.

I am exhausted being in a 32-year marriage with a man that has BPD.  Only recently has it been diagnosed.  It would explain why our relationship has been the way it is, and that I'm not going "crazy".
 
I am ready to leave and still find that I am trying to get his reassurance that he loves me and doesn't want me to go. 

This isn't happening.  In fact, I feel like I am abandoning him.  I grew up with a narcissistic mother, which doesn't help things.  We have been in weekly counseling for over 7 months, to not much avail.  I can tell he is trying but I don't see real hope.  I guess my question is what has anyone tried to help release this pattern of trying to "fix" them?

Hi everybody, I am a survivor of having lived a childhood in which my mother had BPD. I am also a social worker with 38 years of experience in the fields of mental health and addictions, and child welfare. During my training in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and Systematic Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving and in my role as a therapist, I provided treatment for individuals over many years who had BPD. I could not help my mother as she would not accept help. Even with my years of training, my main insights about BPD came from the suffering I felt from my family situation. After my mother died, our dysfunctional family dynamics played out, and the chaos and division my mother had always sewn had broken sibling bonds. I have written a book about my story and shared insights I learned as a family member. It is on Amazon now and is called "Fractured Bonds: An Insider's Guide To Living In The Orbit Of An Individual With Borderline Personality Disorder" by Cynthia Stevens. I hope this book helps those in my  situation as it helped me. Take care everyone!

Hola
Gracias por los consejos.

Mi relación con ella , solo funciona en una dirección yo doy y ella pide todo el rato.

Esto me ha llevado a un malestar emocional que nunca antes había sentido. Estoy derrotada,  hoy no,he ido a trabajar por este malestar alrededor del corazón,  una mezcla entre nerviosismo,  tristeza y cansancio mental.

No puedo establecer rutinas con ella, ni hábitos saludables porque esto se convierte que reproches, gritos y enfados hacia mi persona.

Cuando va a clase , nos manda mensaje alarmandonos de que la mirar mal, que le han llamado fea, que no soporta a los de su clase.

Gracias por escucharme

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and we're all heartbroken for you...because we know exactly what it feels like.  We've all been there with a puzzled look on our faces.

I believe your therapist is wrong- BPDs love deeply.  But they're also so afraid of rejection or abandonment, they're quick to seek new relationships instead of actually digging down and working through things.  Your story could be my story, even though I was married for 23 years.  The same patterns emerged.  Over time, I have realized that my BPD ex wife loved me, but at the same time she was incapable of being the constant in my life.

Please continue to ask hard questions and we will give you hard answers.  There's no template for healing after a relationship like this; everyone is different and it could take months, years, or decades before you're truly "over it".  I'm going to give you the long-term answers up front though, the stuff it would take you years to realize on your own.

Are you ready?

1)  This is not your fault.  You husband is mentally ill and that's where all his dysfunction comes from.  No matter who he married, or what they did together, they'd probably end up exactly where you are right now.  So hear me here, this is not about you...it's about mental illness and a person doing anything they possibly can to feel normal.

2)  This is not completely your husband's fault either.  His brain is wired differently and he's constantly seeking praise to feel like he fits in.  But he doesn't fit in, he's mentally ill and people can't relate to him, so he's always seeking the next thing to fill the voids.  And that creates a destructive pattern that shows up over and over again as he burns bridges and believes the other person is always at fault.

3)  If we combine #'s 1 and 2, this is not your fault and it's not his either.  He needs therapy, medications, and a complete lifestyle change, but he'd have to admit his problems first and actively work to change.  That's literally the hardest thing in the world for him to do, so he suffers in silence (or sometimes rage, as you said).  He's sick and that deserves compassion.

Now, you're not ready for any of those yet; they'll come in different seasons of your life as you lean to cope and move on from this.  But please read them once more and try to prove me right or wrong over time.

I wish you luck and again, I'm so sorry.  Please feel free to ask questions, vent, or whatever you need.

I echo Under the Bridge's welcome- I'm so glad you found us!

Take your time and let things begin to sink in; it's definitely overwhelming at first and healing is a process...you can't get there overnight.  You'll discover things in a month from now that suddenly click, and you'll make those discoveries a year from now as well.  But it's not all pain and confusion; that passes over time as you begin to grasp what you were actually facing.

Please ask lots of questions and let us know how we can help you TODAY.  Because that's all that this is about, getting through today for now.   Tomorrow's questions can come tomorrow.