Hi there,
I agree with everything JS wrote and couldn't have written it better myself.
I recently went through a tense living situation with my adult BPD stepdaughter. She has been living with us, on and off, for the last several years. She would try living on campus, quit and then rebound to our place. She'd try living on her own and then rebound. The most recent, months-long stint of living with us was not ideal. She moved in with us because of tensions with her roommates. Then her lease ran out, and her roommates moved elsewhere, without her (cue intense feelings of rejection). The "deal" was that she could live with us, rent-free, for as long as she wanted, provided that she was nice, cleaned up after herself and worked full-time (or worked full-time on finding a full-time position). Though at first she acted civilly, it became clear soon enough that what she really wanted was to use our place like a vacation home. She didn't spend much time looking for work, and she only worked only a couple of days a month. She refused to share meals, didn't help out one bit, and she grew passive-aggressive and hostile. She was sleeping late. Though she's an adult, I think she resents the notion that she has to contribute and work to earn a living. She is extremely entitled and expects others to over-function for her. Because her aura was petulant and dark, she infected the mood in the home. Then one morning my husband yelled at her to get out of bed (she was sleeping in late once again), and she snapped, packed her things, left and didn't contact us for a few weeks. I'm pretty sure that her version of the story is that she was "thrown out" of an "abusive" home and made "homeless."
Here's the thing though. I think the BPD daughter is extremely uncomfortable in the home, because she knows she's imposing, and not pulling her weight, and not holding up her end of the implicit bargain. She can't hide her dysfunction when she's living with you all the time. She feels like a loser because she can't manage living independently, when peers all around her seem to be having the time of their lives. She expects perfect performance from you, while she's failing and flailing. Every waking moment she feels ashamed, guilty, inadequate, and she thinks that's what you think of her. She actually RESENTS needing so much support from you. Those negative feelings are eating away at her, and they need an outlet. Maybe she manufactures a fight, eggs you on, so that you relent and engage in an argument with her, but then she can blame YOU for being hostile. She feeds on that negative emotion and riles herself up into a vindictive rage, forgetting that she instigated the whole mess. Meanwhile, she hurls insults your way, and they hit hard, because you're already frazzled and frustrated, exhausted from walking on eggshells in your own home. You want to tell her to leave, but you fear that she won't be able to handle living on her own. Does that sound about right?



extinction bursts