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Hi there,
Indeed, the push-pull, periods of estrangement, misplaced blaming, victim attitude and twisting of the truth sound like some BPD traits. The big question mark in my mind though is that you and your sister seem to have gotten along well enough as teenagers and through university. After reading these boards, it seems to me that BPD behaviors tend to emerge in the teens or sometimes earlier, while they usually manifest in earnest by early adulthood, resulting in a well-trodden trail of fractured relationships, self-sabotage and dysfunction in life. My opinion is that leaving (aka abandoning) home for college, dealing with complex peer relationships and having to figure out one's place in the world can really bring out the dysfunctional BPD behaviors. In addition, whereas some level of drama can seem "normal" as a teen, the over-the-top dramatics seem childish, bizarre and inexplicable as an adult. In reading your post, I'm struck that the BPD behaviors seem at first glance to emerge somewhat later. I can't help but wonder is something else is going on, or maybe your sister experienced some sort of trauma that triggered her.
Now, if you ask me, I'd say a lot of people will talk about themselves on the phone for an hour and barely let you get a word in edgewise. They might be really lonely, or lack self-awareness. I have a family member who talks like that. Like your sister, she seems only to be interested in me if there's "drama" or strife involved--then she's all ears. Typically she'll get riled up by my difficulties, but she'll twist things and make them seem worse than they actually are, because her aura is more negative than mine is. You see, I think she enjoys hearing about other people's difficulties, because it makes her feel better about her own somewhat dysfunctional life. She wouldn't necessarily have a personality disorder to act this way. My interpretation is that misery doesn't like company, misery likes MISERABLE company. She's a talker, and she likes to rehash negative scenarios over and over again, replaying them in detail in her mind, whereas I'm different, I don't like to dwell for too long on things I can't control. When I talk to her, often I find myself saying, "This topic is stressing me out, let's talk about something else or I'm hanging up." And if she persists after one or two more warnings, I'll say, "Bye, talk to you later."
You may never know if your sister has BPD or not. On this site you'll find all sorts of tips and advice about how to handle pwBPD, but even if they don't have BPD, the tips can be very helpful! Examples are like the one I just hinted at, i.e. establishing healthy boundaries. One of my boundaries is, if a conversation is getting too tense or negative, and it isn't going anywhere but in circles, I find an excuse to exit it, without blaming anybody. I might say exactly that: " This conversation isn't going anywhere, let's talk about something else." If they refuse to talk about something else, I'll say, "Bye, I'll call you later." Another boundary is, if someone sends me a mean text that's not even true, I treat it like Spam, because it is Spam. I'll only text back if the text is civil. Dignifying a mean text with a response probably only prolongs the barrage of nonsense.
My read is that your sister is probably feeling very insecure right now, and she's struggling. She's taking her frustrations out on you. I bet she's projecting her own stress and insecurities onto you. She might be extremely jealous of you, too. Maybe she felt she had to travel half way around the world to avoid comparing herself to you, but whenever there's a joyful event, such as a wedding, she breaks down.
All my best to you.
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