When I see posts on this topic, I try to give a perspective from the daughter's point of view and also from the experience of raising teens myself.

I was not my BPD mother's "favorite child" so I can't say she was particularly good to me as a child, but my teen years were more difficult. It's been written that parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves, but for a child, a primary developmental task is to establish their own autonomy, which is in conflict with that perspective. Younger children tend to me more easily controlled.

For a teen, becoming their own individual is a main aspect of their development, but teens don't have full maturity. They have their own hormonal, physical, and emotional changes. While truly bad behavior is never acceptable, a parent needs to be able to differentiate between teen age moodiness and that. What is missing in this combination of teen age girl and BPD mother is that, the mother herself doesn't have emotional regulation skills either.  In other words, even normal and generally well behaved teens can feel aggravating to parents at times but the parent needs to be the adult in the room.

One of the odd experiences for me as a teen was that in some ways, I had "outgrown" my BPD mother in maturity- and yet, I wasn't mature yet. My BPD mother still had authority over me as a parent but also behaved in ways I would not be allowed to do. She would either be overly authoritarian and controlling with me- or look to me as an emotional caretaker.

It's possible that your D is reacting to her mother in an age appropriate way but her mother isn't responding to this in the way a stable adult would. This also doesn't mean your D can act out in unacceptable ways but you need to be able to discern what requires discipline and what does not, because, if her mother is irked with her, it may or may not be your D's fault.

The one best intervention for me at the time was time away from her. My parents didn't divorce but if they did, I'd have wanted to live with my father. This may not be the case with your D if she has a better relationship with her mother than I did, but her spending time with you will give her some respite from the dynamics with her mother and a chance to interact with you as the more emotionally stable parent. In other ways, I could spend time with relatives, summer camps, after school activities. College for me was a way to start my own independence. If your D has academic or trade skills interests, that can be a path to encourage (not too much pressure).

I understand your situation. I think your situation is what my mother would have preferred, but having tried to assist when my father was ill- and experiencing what you have- not able to sleep, being worn down emotionally and physically with her constant demands, I knew I couldn't do that.

I had wanted to be of help, but in what I had seen as a "normal" arrangement between an elderly parent and adult child may have some challenges but also there was some mutual caring, trust,  and cooperation between them.

None of this was present with my BPD mother. While her children are reliable, BPD mother was not. She hid information from us, lied, and had no concern for our well being. For her, it was about what she wanted. Yet, she could not manage on her own.

In BPD mother's state, the law protects the elderly person.  If BPD mother was angry at a caretaker for having boundaries, she would call it "elder abuse".  While she never pursued this legally- this scared them, and some refused to work with her. While I understand your plan and your feelings- one concern is if your mother accuses you. A parallel concern in relationships is if the man is being abused, and calls 911, sometimes the woman with BPD then accuses him. The law is biased when it comes to male and female abuse and sometimes calling 911 on the abusive wife results in her false claim of abuse and the man is arrested.

In the US, the system for elder care leans heavily on family. Most assisted living is self pay and not covered by Medicare/Medicaid. Since your mother has resources, these could be put towards that, which would require some discussion and agreement on her part. While this situation still can be challenging ( and it was still with BPD mother), it is less of a strain on you in terms of daily caregiving.

If family isn't available, or able, there may be a way for the state to take guardianship of that person.I didn't pursue that path, so I don't know the details. There was a poster here who did that. At first, he brought his BPD mother to his home, like you did but it was not a safe situation for his children, and so- she eventually became a ward of the state.

These kinds of laws are state specific. While your wish to not take on your mother to this extent is understandable- whether or not your ability to claim abuse holds in your mother's state- or puts you at risk - I don't know. Maybe you do already since you have a law background. I don't, so I asked.


 

Thanks, ForeverDad.

My husband knows everything and he’s never wrong. Our only hope is that his license renewal is coming up in 2027.  He’s already nervous.  He only has one eye, and he has other issues with his vision. He shouldn’t be on the road. Hopefully, the DMV will intervene.

Jazz

Thanks, CC43.

He would never agree to doing anything differently.  He has to get extremely frightened, or worse, hurt someone before he stops driving. It’s sad and scary.

JazzSinger

Waiting until the children are grown and gone is not necessarily a good strategy.  Ponder what happens when a couple files for divorce with nearly grown children.  Yes, family court would likely make a temp custody and parenting schedule order, but (1) temp orders often end once the child ages out of the system at age 18 or finish high school and (2) your daughter is definitely old enough to speak up for herself to the court and state her own wishes.  (Not to mention that by that time the children already have a drivers license and are able to "vote with their feet".)

I guess good question to ask yourself whether to act now is what you think your daughter would choose to do once there is a separation.  Would she have the strength to decide to live with the mentally healthier and more stable parent?  Or could her mother pressure and manipulate her to side with her?  I ask this because many children are so influenced by their unstable parent that they don't have the insight and gumption to stand up for their own best interests.

I remember an old couple in my younger years, nice as could be.  Riding with him was a bit scary, he had tremors in his foot and it was strange feeling the car surge all the time.  Then I moved away and in time he passed away.  His elderly wife had a few accidents, minor, but technically they were others' fault.  That she backed out in front of someone, oops, sorry, but they hit her and it was their fault because by then she was fully in her lane.  That sort.  I think a granddaughter made sure her license wasn't renewed and took her keys away.

Even if his license renewal isn't near, most vehicle registrations have to be renewed annually.  That's an excellent time for the staff to be advised in advance and see what they can do.  Also, his doctors may be advised so they can step in if they determine others' safety is at risk.

Road rage is a real concern these days, not to mention that when he does have an accident, which is becoming more predictable as time goes on, it may be far more than a fender bender and you, he and others may be injured or even killed.

Even the best of drivers have accidents.  I've often remarked to others that even if we avoid collisions 99% of the time, there always that nasty 1%...  Can you risk other people to suffer needlessly?  Ask DMV, police or other resources what can be done.

And if he does have an accident, even a minor one, don't hide it, be sure the police are called.  That may be the best opportunity to get action.

All of the above (agreeing with comments from NW, Z, CC, WMP).

Aristotle, pick a client you know.  Any client. Imagine this is their story instead of yours.  Put on your lawyer hat and listen to the problem.  What objective professional advice would you give a client across the desk/table in this situation? 

I do not think you are being unethical.

In fact, my question is "why are you asking if your plan is unethical?"  Whose voice is suggesting that this is unethical, and what are the exact words that voice is saying?  You see my point?

My uBPD mother passed away in January.  About 15 years ago she put non-stop pressure on us to let her move in with us.  She told everyone she knew (and we knew) about her plan to move in, as a tactic to pressure/guilt/obligate us publicly.  My good husband took the pressure off of me, and one day finally told her in frustration that was just never going to happen.  She went nuclear, and tried to smear us (unsuccessfully), but she never moved in with us.

That is their playbook.  To move near/in with a child and be "looked after", for many reasons, one of which includes having a source for their own narcissistic supply.  It sounds like you got drawn into that black hole, but are now finding a way to claw yourself out and survive.

It feels very strange to say this to you (a lawyer), but my H and I kept texts, emails, phone recordings, and detailed notes of my mom's behaviors and abuse for 3 years. We also included all the things we did for her in our notes, which could easily be corroborated with witnesses, appointment histories etc.  We hoped we would never need it, but if evidence was required, we were ready. It was exhausting to do all that documentation, but it was our insurance, so that we could show evidence of her behavior and treatment towards us, and everything we had done to try to help and support her.

I have a question about the dog.

I think you are saying you are going to keep the dog?  (Or are you saying the dog is travelling back with you to your mom's place?)

What if your mom claims you stole/abducted her dog?  How would her state law see this?  You know your mom best.  I don't know if this could become a problem if your mom decides to strike back at you in revenge.  Revenge is another tool in their playbook. I understand your concern is for the well-being of the dog.  But from her point of view, you will have stolen her dog. Could this get messy?  And if it did, could it complicate your work as a lawyer or jeopardize your security or reputation?

Personally I think the biggest misstep is to let a toxic parent move in.  Taking her back to her own home - you aren't the first person in history to do this.   

My advice, when the moment comes to break it to her, take the daughter hat off and put on the lawyer hat: stay neutral and professional.  She's going to have a big reaction, but don't give her one back.  Stay level and composed, whatever the words she throws at you.  Pretend she is a client, and keep the emotions in check.  Leave when you need to.

This might be the hardest thing you will have to do in your life.  But then you will be able to live your life, and it will be remarkably more peaceful. Imagine that...

Aristotle?  Do you already have a therapist? 

It does help to know I'm not alone. I've often wondered what it might be like to have two children as you do, when the other IS able to give you the kind of relationship that a parent would hope to have. I have that to some degree with my step daughter. Not quite the same, yet the experience of easy conversation and reciprocal feelings. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Sometimes the hardest part is taking what they dish out, but deciding to keep being there for them. I can see that you completely understand.

Flora,

Wow, it sounds like your daughter has done a tremendous job making an adult's life for herself, despite the ongoing challenges of dealing with BPD.  That's commendable.  Surely she's done a lot of work, but she's also had the benefit of your loving support.  My guess is that she wouldn't have turned her life around like she did without your support.

I think that even for young adults without BPD, it can be challenging to return to the parental home.  I think I'm mostly "normal," and yet visiting with my parents in my 20s seemed taxing.  I felt like I was automatically "demoted" to child status, and was expected to do my parents' bidding without question.  Let's face it, it's really hard not to fall right back into the "old" family system, with the expectation that familial roles remain unchanged from childhood.  Part of the dynamic involves being cross-examined, when parents are desperate to know (and maybe control) everything that's going on in their adult child's life, while continuing to provide unsolicited "advice"/criticism that seems dated and unwarranted.  To the adult child, it can feel intrusive, even weird.  I'd say that in my case, my mom was emotionally dependent on me when I was growing up.  So any visit to the parental home would unleash a torrent of whining:  "Why can't you stay longer?  We barely see you!"  (I was working to earn a living and had two weeks of vacation a year.  My parents wanted me to spend ALL my vacation days with them?)  "You don't call enough!"  (I called every weekend; during the week I was busy at my job.)  "Have you had any hot dates lately?  (That's from my dad, who would invaribly inquire whether I had any "hot" encounters, which seemed too weird.)  The prying, prodding and guilt trips, plus the demotion status, plus the long list of household chores, felt like too much to me at that time.

I guess what I'm saying is, it seems fantastic to me that your daughter is making her way in her own life, and I understand how returning to the parental home could seem like a step backwards.  Maybe your daughter doesn't want to be reminded of her painful, dark teen years.  And maybe she's plain BUSY with her life.  Whereas three or four days to you could seem like nothing, to her, it might be all of her vacation days for an entire season.  Maybe she doesn't want to be cross-examined, for fear that she'd unleash lots of well-meaning advice from you, or worse, your disapproval.  Even if you don't say anything negative, she might automatically assume you disapprove of her, probably because she has her own doubts and projects them onto you.  My guess is that she's not 100% confident in herself yet, and so she avoids having too much contact with you, lest she feel your disapproval?  Staying in her room is a way to give her enough "time out" to ensure she doesn't have a blow up.  The pwBPD in my life needs A LOT of downtime to "recover" from any stressful situation, basically any encounter with another human being.

So now about you.  I think you're wise to recognise that you're feeling upset about not having as close a relationship with your daughter as you'd like.  That makes the issue more yours than hers at this point.  I understand that many parents here are mourning the loss of a "normal" relationship with their adult children.  In your case however, I see so many good things going on.  Your daughter is doing well, even thriving.  She's still in contact with you.  She's not blowing up at you.  She's not blaming you for everything wrong in her life.  She's talking with you.  You know she's OK.  I think that's remarkable for 23, which in my opinion is probably around peak time for BPD dysfunction.

My opinion is that this situation is just for now, and it probably won't be like this forever.  I'd say, keep doing whatever you're doing, because your daughter is doing remarkably well for somebody with BPD!  My theory is that she won't be ready to fully "reconnect" with you and repair fractured familial relationships until she has solidified her identity as an independent adult.

The pwBPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter.  She has relied a lot on her dad and me throughout early adulthood, for housing, money, insurance, transportation, logistical support, encouragement, administrative support, you name it.  In our case however, the relationship seems transactional--she only talks to us when she wants something.  Last summer, she moved back in with us, and in exchange for free room and board, we expected her to be a respectful roommate and find full-time work, so that she could save up and get back on her feet.  Long story short, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, and her dad asked her to leave.  I'm sure she's mad at us for that, but I also think she's mad at herself, because she basically gave up on herself when she lived with us.  Yet, I think kicking her out was a good move for everyone.  For me and my husband, it ended a long period of enablement of dysfunction, and our home became peaceful again.  For my stepdaughter, it forced her to find work (finally) and her own living situation.  She's discovering that she can function independently as an adult, and I think that will help build her confidence as well as a more positive identity.  My theory is that she won't be ready to repair familial relationships until she has consolidated an identity as a functioning adult.  Otherwise, she's "demoted" to her former role as a messed-up dysfunctional child.  I hate to be blunt like that, but I'm pretty sure that's how she thinks about herself most of the time.

As for dealing with the disappointment about lack of closeness, I think you might benefit from looking at the wonderful things your daughter has achieved today.  Surely her life looks a lot better than it once did.  You can be proud of her, and you, for that.