I shared the earlier post and response with my older daughter and my dad and 2nd mom. They are my main support group and also doing their own grieving over this with their sister and granddaughter respectively. My older daughter who has been walking this with me, was blown away by the response and accuracy to our situation and her sisters behavior

Your last sentence about taking care of my self and being prepared for when she does come to me, likely for help..  this is one of my fears- that it will be in some sort of a hard situation financially or otherwise. She’s all in her own except for a guy she has been seeing awhile that she visits for a few days at a time.as he is hours away.  I just wonder how long that will last as her relationships always fall apart.
Anyway I feel the need for some input on helping her financially.  The thought of it makes me feel resentful but then another side of me knows how sick  she is etc.
and, we are also retirees on a budget. Our savings is needed for our future.
There was great generosity with her in her teen and young adult years, including coming back to live with us a couple of times for several months.
I feel like I might find some peace if I have more input on this kind of decision.

Around here we truly understand the tendency or weakness to fall back into past patterns.  That's why it is often mentioned here that we do truly need all the support we can get.  Left to our own devices we tend to lapse back into old habits and patterns.  It's often called a three legged stool, the minimal number of support legs needed to sit on a stable stool...

• trusted friends and family
• local counselor or therapist
• peer support such as here

Since it seems you're finally at a threshold decision, though with a risk of relapsing, you need a fourth leg to that metaphorical stool.  An experienced lawyer is vital to assist you to unwind the marriage with the least legal and financial damage.  Be sure to emphasize to the lawyer that the home environment has degenerated to the point that your spouse has started making allegations and now called the police.  (BTW - an allegation of "harassment" is a legal term taken very seriously by the courts, so beware.)

Hi, first time posting here. We haven't officially ended it, but we've had such a turbulent relationship with many near-breakups that I still don't understand, and now we're at our worst after a two-week break from a fight that began from nothing, in my eyes at least. She exploded and dumped all her complaints on me because she read into a harmless text while we were apart for a weekend. I'm used to her grumpy moods and her impulsive travel and excitement. I'm used to her fantasizing about dream houses in other states for a brand-new start. She has an extreme fear of abandonment. But this time she said such mean and hurtful things about me personally, and I don't know if I can get past it. Is it true it will just keep getting worse?

Thank you for taking the time and responding to my post. I really appreciate it !
No. We don't have children together. I have two kids from a previous marriage. As you can imagine, this is a huge challenge for her. We don't own a home together. She has had 5 different jobs over the past 7 years. It's a bit complicated, but we have spent a number of years having two separate places but spending most of our time together. For the past 3 years we have lived in the same home but we were renting. More recently, she got a new job and is now renting a place in different town. My income is what supports us for the most part. 
When things started to get bad early in our relationship, I spent a lot of time educating myself on the disorder. Surprisingly, she was very open with me early on. In fact, she came right out and told me about her diagnosis not long after we met. Looking back, I find this strange because I don't think she has ever shared this with anyone since I have met her.
As you know, it's not easy. I think most people that know me would consider me a patient and understanding person. But, there are certainly times where I have had enough and haven't handled situations in the best way. This is especially true when she threatens my safety.
I know how to respond when she is experiencing strong emotions etc. And typically I handle these situations well. So much of what I have learned is spot on when it comes to her behavior. But, with her, I feel like there is more to it. Maybe it's more typical than I know, but she is incredibly critical of everyone. And this is especially true when it comes to me. If I say or do something she doesn't agree with, it's a guaranteed argument. And we aren't talking about major issues. We are talking about what I suggest having for dinner. That's all it takes. If I so much as use a tone that is perceived as disagreement, she will lose it on me. I still remember her saying to me only a few days after we met "you will find we will get along just fine as long as you agree with me." At the time I thought she was joking. But, now I know just how serious she was.
I think you (ForeverDad) hit the nail on the head when it comes to accepting reality. Logically, I accepted reality years ago. But, my heart is having a really hard time letting go. I cling to the good times and what I imagine our life could be. But, I am starting to seriously question if that is possible. If I am being honest with myself - I don't think it is.
I am going through it right now. I recognize there is a strongly established trauma bond that is going to take some time to get over. I have spent the last 8 years on pins and needles. I know I need to heal and I know I can't do that if I am in contact with her. So far, she has been quiet, but I don't think it will last. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
Again, thank you !
 
 
 
 

I too am asking whether you have children together.  Why?  Children can give a disordered spouse immense leverage.

Typically I would say, Please don't have children until you are confident your spouse is well on the way to substantive recovery.  Reading your brief summary makes me feel even more strongly that you don't gift her that control over your future... it would be devastating for for not only you but especially for any children from the marriage.

That you spouse hasn't improved over the years is a severe lesson for you to accept... that it is not going to get better.  If you return...

The general pattern of BPD on a person with such traits is that it worsens over time.  Not even "But I love her..." is powerful enough to overcome the disordered perceptions and behavior.

By most reports here...

• more years with a disordered spouse does not reverse the devastating consequences of that close relationship.
• Sometimes... if you're very lucky... an experienced therapist can do a balancing act between gaining trust and guiding a patient toward a measure of recovery.

Why weren't you able to aid your spouse to better perceptions and more positive objectivity?  It's not your fault.  Rather, it's the close proximity of the closest of relationships - spouse and family - that makes it so difficult for the person with BPD traits (pwBPD) to get past the years of emotional baggage of the relationship.  BPD is a disorder of intense emotional dysregulation.

You simply can't fix her.  She would have to truly want to fix herself.  Compare it to taking your spouse on a boat ride and she keeps jumping into the water and you keep jumping in, risking your life and safety to try to save her, but she repeatedly keeps leaping overboard.  At some point you have to accept the grief of losing a troubled relationship.  The other isn't changing for the better, so positive change is up to you.

I and many others here were once in your shoes.  At some point we had to accept the reality that what we wanted so much just wasn't possible.  Two decades ago... My then-spouse made many unfounded allegations against me when we were nearing a huge crisis similar to your current crisis, into separation, into a divorce and even beyond.  Cautious professionals (police, court officials, children's services, etc) barely stepped in, often reluctantly.  Although every allegation was unfounded (false) the most they would venture was to state the allegations were "unsubstantiated" (without any documentation) and so they basically remained neutral and somewhat passive defenders of the truth.

Should you return?  I guess you can sense my perspective.  The real question is whether you have the determination to accept reality and are finally ready to listen to yourself...  Can you accept reality in your head and give your heart time to regain equilibrium and catch up later?

Hi Toph and welcome to the family...officially!  I'm really glad this site has helped you in the past and hopefully we can be more helpful in a two-way dialogue.  It got me through quite a lot as well when things were at their worst.

First, a few questions.  Eight years together.  Any kids?  Are you a homeowner?  Give us a basic idea of the family dynamic, who works, etc.

Next, I could have written your story when I broke things off with my ex.  I felt like I was invisible, that I didn't matter, until I didn't do something my wife expected.  Then I was punished.  The sad part was, I couldn't see it though, I didn't recognize the cycles and I didn't even understand that it was an abusive relationship.  I figured all couples were like that...I was clueless.  So you're light-years ahead of me from that aspect.

My situation was unique though in that I had a BPD daughter with my BPD ex-wife.  So I was reading the books and learning about ending conflicts, standing firm on boundaries, etc while also always leading with love and compassion.  The second part of that sentence is key- it's not being kind when they're kind and tough when they're tough.  That leads to war.  It's about understanding that they're sick, that they have unimaginably bad days, and how we react will untimately decide the outcome.

Your path forward is incredibly simple.  Choose your own mental health first at this time.  Be kind to her and try to have productive conversations about what you need, and truly listen to her as she tries to explain what she needs.  She might not be able to put it into words because she's sick- but you know what emotions look like in someone sad, scared, angry, etc.  Soothe those emotions to make her feel understood, and that alone works wonders. 

Meanwhile, do not argue over anything.  If things get heated, be the adult in the room and step away gracefully.  Tell her that you love her and you don't want to argue, then stand by that.

Mainly though, this must be about you and allowing yourself to heal.  You'll see things after two weeks of separation that you can't see today.  That's your body normalizing once again and processing everything that's happened.  Focus on eating well, getting in some exercise, and dedicate a little time to hobbies or friends.  Maybe even consider counseling for yourself.  All these things will help you mentally heal and that's crucial.  The better your headspace, the less you'll be drawn into arguments over who let the dog out or who was supposed to pick up shampoo last week.

One last thing- there's no good way to ask anyone to consider therapy.  I just did with you because I understand the situation you're in and what it did to my mental health when I was there.  You can look at my words logically and see that yeah, maybe it makes sense.  But for your wife, she's only going to see the unsiad implication- that she's crazy and you hate her.  That's because BPDs think emotionally when they're in distress; logic all but turns off for them and they're ready to fight.

I wish you luck, my friend.  Please ask all the hard questions you can think of and we'll do our best to answer from our knowledge and experiences.  If you just need to rant a bit, we understand that too.  Just let us know how we can help!

This is my first post, but I have been using this site as a resource for a long time. Thank you all for being here, it's helped me through some really tough times.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a few years before we met.  We have been together for the past eight years (married for last two years). It's been a rocky road to say the least.
A few days ago, I made the decision to go no-contact and leave. This was the result of her falsely accusing me of harassing her and then calling the police. While she has often threatened to call the police, she never had until the other night. This has been a theme throughout our relationship - just when I think there is a line she won't cross, she blows right through it.
It's been eight years of every type of abuse imaginable. It's been eight years of slowly having my life stripped away from me. I have reached a point where I feel like my only purpose in life is to serve her and her never ending need for attention and validation. If and when I take time for myself, I am punished for it. If she feels I am enjoying myself without her, she will do whatever it takes to sabotage it. No matter how much I give, it's never enough.
It's now been almost four days since I left. I find myself going though the same stuff each and every time. At first, I am certain it is the right decision. But, after a few days, I start to question myself. When I talk to family and friends about it, they just tell me I need to leave and never look back. If it were only that easy!
I love her and I so badly want things to work. But, she refuses to seek help. She has been hospitalized a number of times and talked to numerous doctors, but now has convinced herself she no longer has BPD.
I really don't know what to do. If things go the way they have in the past, she will expect me to return in a few days and we will go on as if nothing happened. But, I can't keep doing that. I want her to get help, but I don't think she will. Do I give her an ultimatum? Or do I take my out and just move on?
Thank you for listening, just getting it out is helpful. 

 
 

Hi Northern,

You've come to the right place.  First off, I think you should cut yourself some slack.  You have a new baby, and that's a big change, along with added stress for both of you.  It's no wonder you're feeling sleep-deprived, stressed out and testier than normal.  The good thing is that you recognize that already.  So what do you do?  Here we emphasize self-care, first and foremost.  I know, I know, sometimes taking deep breaths and getting exercise might not seem like enough.  But in my case, when I'm feeling super-stressed or overwhelmed, I know it's time to double down on my healthy habits.  For me, that means prioritizing eating right, getting regular exercise (preferably in nature) and getting some sleep.  I schedule acts of self-care in my planner, and I make them as important as a business meeting.  Taking care of myself IS my business, after all.  I just make sure I prioritize myself.

On the other hand, I'll also try to simplify my life for a time, at least until I'm feeling like my "old" self again.  That might mean eating off of paper plates, getting some domestic help, ordering groceries for delivery, cutting back on taxing social engagements, wearing clothes more than one day, buying gift cards instead of presents for holidays, etc.  At work, it means being "ruthlessly" executive, focusing exclusively on the important stuff.  I don't volunteer, I don't bring cookies to the office (for whatever reason, women are practically expected to bring food to the office . . . ), I don't attend colleagues' birthday parties, etc.  There are emails I don't answer.  And you know what?  It doesn't matter.  If something were really important, people would reach out again, or just call me.

As for your wife pushing your buttons, I think you're ahead of the game, because you know what the buttons are already.  The reason she keeps pushing them is because she's getting the reaction out of you that she wants--she's getting your attention, some drama, control of the situation, concessions out of you, whatever.  All you have to do is to "deactivate" the button.  It's fantastic that you know what it is already.  But you don't have to let it trigger you, because you know the facts.  Just because your wife says you're holding the baby the wrong way, doesn't MEAN that you're holding it the wrong way, let alone that you're a bad dad.  Just because your wife says you're lazy, or not good enough, or controlling, or unappreciative, etc., doesn't mean that you are that way.  In all likelihood, what she's doing is projecting her own insecurities onto you!  And she knows she'll get the reaction she wants when she pushes that button.  If you don't react, then she might stop pushing that button, because she discovers it doesn't work anymore.

One technique you might try is called gray rocking.  That means, when your wife pushes your buttons, you don't react--you stay still, silent and as boring as a gray rock.  You can't argue with a gray rock, right?  Chances are, she'll give up and leave you alone.  A similar technique is not to JADE, short for justify, argue, defend or explain.  Why?  If your wife is riled up, her emotions have hijacked the situation, and she's not going to listen to anything you have to say anyway.  Any attempt to JADE is to approach the situation with logic, when it's not about logic, but emotions.  So stay away from logic when she's upset.  I'd say, try to be calm instead--a gray rock.  If you feel like you're getting sucked in to the emotional drama, then give yourself a time out.  Try leaving the room, or maybe get engaged with a simple task (e.g. wiping the counter).  That way, you give your wife some time and space to take down the temperature a notch.

Hope that helps a little.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I am so sorry you're going through this and it does have a lot of similarities with BPD.  While we're not here to diagnose, that really doesn't help or hurt anything because the path forward is ultimately learning to communicate in a different way so it resolves conflict.


Hopefully you realize that this is a "you question" and not a "her question."  It's a great question to ask and it's an opportunity for you to grow as a person.  The answer, however, comes down to you handling conflict in a healthier way.

For instance, you mentioned that you're already overwhelmed.  From what?  Work, finances, a new baby...did I miss anything?  What can you do about each of those things to let go of some of that stress?  If it's money, then there's two potential answers- get a better job or budget your finances better.  If it's home life, then find a better balance that works for you.

It's common for those close to BPDs to also have mental health problems from the abundance of stress and the levels of conflict.  It leads to depression, anxiety, sleep problems, etc.  While you can't "control" your wife, you can control how you react to her and the bigger issues I just listed.  Eat better, get a healthy sleep routine, get in therapy to learn to let go of negative emotions and stress.  Get in the gym to work on getting healthy, which naturally boosts your mood and the ability to deal with the stuff at home.

What actually worked in my life was taking control of my life.  The buttons that my BPD ex and BPD daughter pushed, I learned to let go of that stuff and avoid the conflicts entirely.  I accepted that they were sick and I wasn't in control of that.  But I was in complete control over how I reacted and what I let get to me.


Let's flip this around.  I just gave you some pretty hard advice to swallow.  Honestly, how did you take it?  For most people, it doesn't go over well when you tell them that part of the problem is within them.  They get defensive or angry.  They push the blame right back to the other person.  So however you reacted to my advice, your wife will likely react 10x worse.

I said this earlier, but I'll say it again more directly.  Your wise is not "the problem".  How the two of you communicate and how you handle her mental illness is the actual problem.  You can't "fix" her and neither can a therapist or another professional.  Suggesting it is blaming her, and she does not react well to blame because she's mentally ill.

What you can do is meet her where she's at, show compassion for her struggles, and learn to avoid the worst of the conflict by communicating in a different way.  It is incredibly hard at first and it's not intuitive, but it ultimately solves both of your questions because it relies on you to make the necessary changes.  And that's good news because you control you.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

I’ve been with my wife for years. She has never been diagnosed with BPD, so I don’t want to diagnose her myself, but after years of trying to understand our relationship, a lot of the patterns seem consistent with BPD traits.
She is very high functioning in most areas of life. The problems are overwhelmingly in close relationships and become much worse under stress. We have had long periods where our relationship was genuinely good, particularly when life was less stressful. When stress increases, though, things can deteriorate dramatically.
Some of the patterns I see are intense reactions to relatively minor perceived slights, interpreting ordinary mistakes or disagreements as evidence that I don’t care/listen/respect her, difficulty accepting my perspective once she feels hurt, anger that seems disproportionate to what happened, and what feels like punishment or retaliation after she believes I have wronged her.
The retaliation is probably the hardest part for me. She sometimes acknowledges that she is deliberately doing something because she knows it will upset me. She might withdraw, slam a door, abruptly leave a conversation, swear at me, or continue pushing an issue after it is obvious that I am overwhelmed. It can feel like once she believes I have hurt her, hurting me back becomes justified.
Over the years she has also learned exactly what affects me most. I have become extremely reactive to some of these behaviors. Sometimes an incident that objectively isn't enormous sends me into a massive emotional and physiological reaction because it feels like the thousandth repetition of the same pattern.
We recently had a baby, and the additional stress has made things substantially worse again. One example: while I am soothing the baby, my wife will sometimes hover and give unsolicited instructions. If I cannot hear her over the white noise or don't respond correctly, it can become another conflict. I have noticed that I now sometimes become angry or anxious when the baby starts crying—not because I am angry at the baby, but because I am anticipating my wife intervening and another conflict beginning. I really hate that this dynamic is contaminating something as important to me as caring for my daughter.
I'm starting individual therapy because I need to learn to regulate myself better. I don't want my wife's behavior to have this much control over my emotional state. I want to be able to recognize when I'm being triggered, disengage, and recover without eventually boiling over after enough button-pushing.
My two main questions for people who have lived through something similar:
How did you learn to regulate yourself when your partner knew your vulnerabilities extremely well and continued pushing after you were already overwhelmed? What actually worked beyond generic advice like breathing exercises or “don't engage”?
Is there realistically anything you can do to help an undiagnosed, high-functioning partner recognize that they need professional help? I'm afraid even suggesting couples therapy will immediately become evidence that I think she is the problem, and suggesting that she individually needs help seems even less likely to go well.
I don't expect to change her myself. I'm trying to understand what I can actually control, what boundaries work when the other person doesn't necessarily respect them, and how to judge whether meaningful change is realistically possible.