Thanks for the reply.  My ex is more quiet BPD, normally she’s been more emotional with me and expressed anger, but the last time we spoke it just felt cold and indifferent to me like I was nothin.  I asked if we could meet and talk face to face and she left me on read.  This was a whole week ago.  She hasn’t said anything since.  I’m just scared she’s completely done with me and we will never have another opportunity to work things out.

Ahh so sorry I did not realize this qualifier. Please disregard my query.

Hello.

My girlfriend who I have not heard from for 3 months told me early on that she had been institutionalized and diagnosed with BPD 9 years ago at the time of her divorce. I did not know how severe BPD was and shortly thereafter she told me about her father; that he was an often abusive alcoholic who sometimes never came home or brought his friends with him when he did and they drank and banged on the kitchen table all with long....scaring "me."

I subsequently researched daughters of alcoholic fathers and was astounded at the damage that a young female can undergo. It is important to also say she was likely a mistake as her next oldest sister was 9 at the time girlfriend (Margo) was born and also that she had told me her fatter was her "best friend."

So 3 months ago we were on our way to clean out her mother's house that had been sold. Her mother is 94 and in a nursing home and Margo is/was the executor of her will and deed.

Margo had recently purchased a newly built home which was a disaster. Margo is in her 60s and the driveway is 1/4 mile long and unpaved, a dirt road in a snow belt.The house itself is smaller than her incredibly beautiful condo located in a downtown ski resort. The garage is 25 yards from the house and it is a fire trap with unsealed but insulated walls and ceilings, in violation of ALL national codes.

On the way out the door to clean out mom's house she mentioned that she was worried her condo would not sell and she would not be able to fulfill the contract on her new home. I told that it had only been on the market for a week and not to worry it will be the first to sell as it is so beautiful and located in a PRIMO spot. And...I said' "Margo if the deal falls through, which it won't, I am not sure that house is right for you and I have some other ideas we can talk about later."

About an hour into our trip to her mom's she got agitated in the car about our upcoming vacation. I soothed her best I could by telling her I would gladly pay for the entire airfare. when we left my house I had given her a check for $200 which I owed her for the vacation.

We got close to her mom's house and went to a restaurant. I could tell by her face something was wrong but didn't know what to do except act nice and natural. We had dinner and she had 2 large glasses of wine and I was a little worried as she started to say things like she was going to change her last name to something bizarre. Suddenly she stood up over me and pointed down at me and said/screamed...."Nobody owns me for $200. All you Italians think you can own women. I am an independent woman and you can go ________ yourself."

It got much worse and lasted 30 to 45 minutes before I was able to get away from her. I had to take her phone when I was able to run because she would have likely called the police with some fabricated charge. Honestly, she had completely dissociated and was near "psychotic" in that she tried to run me down with her car.

I have sought and been in therapy and placed on Lexapro for last 2+ months and am doing well. I have read and continued to read about BPD and am confused as to no contact. I have thoughts and desires to reconnect. I want to completely heal and without that know I never will. I also have just in last few days become very angry at her which I never was.

Therapist goes just so far. She is a pHD and will not take on Borderlines anymore and simply says Margo is dangerous as she is so broken. Forget her.

OK. So that is good advice but I can't follow it. I am not afraid of Margo. I can handle anything she may throw at me. Can I reconnect and how?

Thanks

The guidance here about validating a pwBPD's feelings, and not arguing or JADEing is good guidance for defusing heated arguments, but it doesn't mean you have to accept what she's saying is true. 

You have to realize the things she's saying are intended to keep you chasing her and attuned to her needs 100% of the time.  She's not interested in resolving any problems or arguments or fights; these are the point: by demanding your full attention in these "discussions" you have to focus entirely on her and her needs.  The fight is not the end; the fight for her is a means to an end.  She's learned that she can effectively control you this way, and so she's not going to stop doing it because you ask her nicely, or do everything she wants.  Tomorrow she's going to want more, and so you see, it starts all over again.

Like getting on a hamster wheel, or Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, thinking this time will be different.

You've been abused and conditioned to focus on your wife's wants, needs, emotions, etc. over literally everything else in your life, including your kids. 

At this point, both of your patterns of behavior are pretty well established, and so any attempt to change them and stand up for yourself (and your kids) is going to provoke her.  It sounds like she's accustomed to getting her way, no matter how selfish or unfair her demands are, and expects little to no resistance from you.

You have to realize that it's perfectly acceptable to say "No" to her, for any reason or no reason at all, and let her stew.  Now, given the dynamic, she's going to react badly to that, and who could blame her?  This is the hole you've dug yourself into. 

Whether you want to get out of it is up to you, but you're not going to change who she is, or how she behaves.  This is always going to be a high-contact relationship; what can change is how you react to it and how you manage it. 

Keep in mind your kids are learning from watching this, both consciously and subconsciously, and learning to tailor their own behavior accordingly. 

I got into a legal battle over a conjointly owned property with my sister with NPD. I hired a lawyer to deal with the matter. I made it clear to him that he was to deal with her and I would not be involved though clearly he would consult with me. I can't tell you the number of times my sister tried to get me sucked back in through communications with her lawyer to my lawyer. She made all kinds of unreasonable demands, sent me all kind of stuff her lawyer had to give to my lawyer and then mail to me. She recruited endless flying monkeys to try to force me to sell the property to her. It just was going to make things worse my responding to anything. Eventually she had no choice but to settle the case and I got the property. Do find yourself a good lawyer and I can give you recommendations on how to do that if you are interested.

I'll share a quote from someone from a different site, that said this to me many years ago when I was first trying to make sense of why my then-wife acted like she did:


So, can you see the futility of reaching out to the person who made you feel this way, in order to resolve your feelings?

If drinking water from a well made you sick, you should not drink more from it. 

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very glad you found us.

When you say, "Final Discard", most members here would say no, it's never final due to how BPDs activley destroy all close relationships in their life and then try to rekindle them once they run out of people to talk to.

For instance, my BPD daughter will tell her mom that she hates me, wants nothing to do with me, and we won't talk for a period of time.  Then, out of nowhere, she calls and before I know it, she's bad-mouthing her mom and telling me what a horrible person she is.  And I just sort of shake my head- one of us is always the enemy and the other is a close ally.  That can flip week by week, month by month, or year by year.

My ex wife is also BPD (the quiet type), and I went through similar experiences like you've described.  However, she was much more reserved.  While my daughter would call and scream and challenge me, my ex would just remain silent and disappear.  If I didn't fight and beg my ex to return, she wouldn't.  So they're very different people and very different patterns...yet the same illness with all the underlying stuff.  One just fought it in secret while the other was in your face.

I hope that helps!

I've been separated/divorced for almost three years now and it still comes back from time to time.  I've learned to catch myself though and file it in the "don't think about this junk" category of my mind.  If I can't stop the thought pattern, I'll turn on the TV or a podcast just to have other noise in my head.  For me, the worst is always while I'm trying to fall asleep.

The more you focus on it, the more you'll question your actions.  That's not good since the past is set in stone.  There's nothing to change, nothing to fix.

I did get past it though and those thoughts maybe creep up a few times per year now.  Yet, the context has changed and I realize that my ex was sick and it made her very selfish in all aspects of life.  So even when I do catch myself in thought of the past, it's not about me anymore and that makes a huge difference.

That is a phenomonal analogy!  Well done sir.

How are you doing Bluebird?  Any updates?