I wanted to add it so hard being with someone who doesn’t show me any grace . I can’t be sick or under the weather , I can’t have a menstrual cycle , I can’t hang out with my mom, I can’t have friends , I can’t eat lunch quietly in my car , I have to call him on the way home . Am I even a person ?

CC43 a lot of what you said has been spot on with my observation with my husband. I feel like the more compassion I show my husband and happy I appear  the more he wants me to open up to him so he can use what I say to distort it later on. He and I both work a full time jobs but his job has more flexibility so he can work less or more on any given month. When I get home I don’t see him for maybe the first 1- 3 hours. He needs his “me time” which in all transparency he spends outside the house to smoke marijuana. He smokes a lot. So much so that others have told me I’m a fool to think he’s not really cheating because it doesn’t take hours to smoke. I do not believe he’s cheating but I believe he wants to “get back at me” for what he believes is being done to him.
I am going to enjoy the break.

Hi Pink,

Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot.  I bet having your FIL in your home was meant to be a loving, helpful gesture, but the reality is that it increased stress for everyone, especially your husband.  Maybe your husband is level-headed enough to be successful at work, but by the time he gets home, he feels absolutely exhausted from "faking" normalcy, and he breaks down.  Maybe he needs extensive time every day to "recover," but it seems impossible to do that in a home with so many people in it, especially needy people (children and an older parent).  Maybe up until now, he thought he could "recover" and "cope" by bossing you around, ensuring you serve him like a slave/mother/emotional caretaker.  Does that sound about right?  The problem is, you are not a slave/his mother/emotional caretaker, and your attention is necessarily divided, because there are other people in the household, including yourself.  The other problem is, he is incredibly jealous of any attention that isn't squarely on him.  Underneath it all, he's really insecure, and I bet he acts like a toddler sometimes.  It's really disturbing because he seems so "normal" when he wants to be, such as in the workplace.  But when the stress ratchets up, he quickly self-destructs.  Is he concocting crazy narratives about how you hurt him, creating excuses for him to act out?  Is he blaming you for everything, even if you've been nothing but supportive?  Does he blow up at the smallest infractions; does he seem to invent reasons to hurl his rage your way?  I'd say, rest assured it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his feeling insecure, powerless, dissatisfied, jealous, stuck, stressed out.  He might need constant reassurances, praise and attention, and yet he can detect insincerity.  He's really a piece of work.

Sometimes I think this behavior is almost like a toddler's.  He needs lots of attention and distraction.  He's easily overwhelmed.    He shuts down when he faces a real problem and kicks and screams instead.  He relies on others to cater to some of his basic needs, even if he should be capable of caring for himself.  He needs down time (nap time), lots of it.  He doesn't care whether he hurts you, the only thing he cares about is his own frustration.  Though he's competent when it comes to things he wants to do, he refuses to do things he should do.  He seems to "forget" everything you've done for him.  He has you walking on eggshells trying to avoid an outburst, but it's impossible, because he's bubbling underneath.  He has you over-functioning for him, which really wears you down.  Does that sound about right?

Maybe this break is exactly what you need.  You might think of it as a time out.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter with BPD.  She's still a young adult, so the comparison isn't perfect.  But I see a lot of parallels in their situations.  I would consider my stepdaughter to be a fairly "high functioning" BPD, because she can "execute" things she wants to do.  She can seem to be "normal" for stretches, especially during vacations or times of transition when she has few responsibilities.  (She has had a ton of therapy for her BPD, and so she seems to cope better than she used to.)  The thing is though, she has a hard time dealing with stress.  Instead of tackling tasks one by one, using persistence and problem-solving skills to forge ahead, her emotions take over, and she can't think straight or focus on the task at hand.  Rather, she's consumed with self-doubt.  If she manages to work a full day, it seems she needs a LONG time to recover.  Maybe she's totally emotionally drained from the work day, which is more challenging than school used to be, given the longer hours, unpredictable problems and complex social dynamics with co-workers and customers.  She's so afraid of making a mistake that she's practically paralyzed, and I bet her co-workers/boss misinterpret that as laziness or incompetence.  She needs constant praise and reassurance, and lots of breaks, and she's probably not getting them.  She takes coaching as criticism and internalizes that, thinking she's a bad person.  If she messes up, she's terribly hurt, but she won't take responsibility and blames someone else.  By the time she comes home, she's wracked with uncertainty and feeling like a failure.  Sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Maybe her boss sends her home.  Maybe she gets fired.  Maybe she quits.  That only makes her feel worse.  And when this is going on, she's taking it out on loved ones at home, but she's not telling us what's really bothering her.  She's just throwing tantrums for no apparent reason.  And she says she can't stand living in the home any longer.  She'll flee, in a classic "flight" response from her problems.  She mistakenly thinks the problem is her living situation, so she'll move.  Alas, she can't get away from herself (except temporarily on a vacation), and her problems crop up wherever she goes, because her problem is BPD.  She has the emotional skills of a young teen, but she's living in an adult world, and she just can't seem to hack it for very long.  Maybe if you understand that, you can relate to your husband.  Even so, it probably doesn't make you feel much better, because he's intent on being mean to you.  Just know that it's not your fault.

Hi Despondent Mom,

I haven't been on the board in a while, and I just saw your post —it really touched my heart. I just wanted to let you know that you are understood, appreciated, and validated here.

I know you love your daughter, but what she's doing to your granddaughter is just so awful. As we all know, criticizing her won't work, and most of the time, empathy seems to work best. I hope you are in a position to take your granddaughter as often as possible and shower her with love. I do not have grandchildren yet, but I share this fear.

We all know boundaries are important. The spitting is absolutely a line you cannot tolerate unless you feel like your granddaughter is in danger. If you haven't already, please lay that out strongly, even if it means putting in a written contract. If she spits on you, she is not allowed . . . you decide what that will be, i.e., no contact for a specific period of time, no money if you're giving her any, etc. Boundaries are really, really hard, but they do work if enforced. I know your concern for your granddaughter complicates enforcing them. I assume your daughter may use seeing her against you.

What I often find helpful for my sanity is blocking my 23-year-old daughter for a day or two. My husband and I never block her at the same time in case there is a true emergency, but I often need that downtime to take care of myself. Is this something you could do?

I'm thinking of you and hoping for some better outcomes. Please use this forum. Many times, I come on just to read, because for many posts, I always feel like, "I could have written that myself," and that feels validating.

Good luck with this terrible situation. We didn't ask for it and neither did she, but we all play a part in making the most of it.

Thanks Jazz
I am going to take it one day at a time and  find a therapist.
Everyday I wake up and think, “ how did I get here ?”
I’ll report back if things get crazy again.

I don't know if there are any published statistics out there on successful treatment for BPD, but I remember someone saying to me when I first learned about it "it ain't pretty."

I think you have to put away actions and thoughts based on the hope that the person will get treatment or change, and focus on the behavior you experience, don't like and want to stop.  And if they don't stop that behavior, you have to decide what you're going to do about it.

One thing I've had to learn is that if you are making excuses for the other's behavior, you have weak boundaries.  Link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

There's no right time and wrong time to maintain them.  You have to apply them objectively and that's how you establish how you want to be treated and what you won't tolerate. 

My quandary is that I can tell sometimes my daughter is looking for an explanation.  She's smart, and has figured out that something is "off," but I don't want to say the wrong thing.  At the same time, I don't want her to think I'm clueless, invalidating her experience, and/or also either defending or enabling her mom's behavior when even my daughter is thinking "this is NOT okay!" about the things her mom does and says. 

I can't trust that she won't yet go back to her mom's house, and for whatever reason say something like "Dad says you're mentally ill," which will then provoke all sorts of unhinged behavior and accusations that *I* am trying to alienate my daughter from her.

I suppose I could just explain all this to her next time she asks, along with explaining my concerns about why I don't want to get into it.  She's not quite a teenager yet, so I don't think she would go as far as looking things up on the internet or reading about BPD or mental illness generally; she just wants to honestly know why her mom acts the way she does, and why other adults don't.

Pinkcamellias,

I pray this works out for you.  I sense you’re already feeling relived, but I know this is complicated, especially since there are children and  in-laws involved. 

But I can relate, elven though we don’t have kids.  I too have told myself I can’t just throw my H out into the street. But, like you, I’m sick and tired of walking on eggshells. 

Good luck to you. I wish you and yours all the peace and happiness you deserve.

Jazz

My husband left last night.
I had been praying without ceasing for peace and a way out because he was scaring me. He split and everytime I thought he was “back to normal” he would turn on me again. He acts normal long enough to go to work, and be a productive member of society but something about coming home makes him loose his mind. He’s said “ I hate being here”…referring to at home . Lately he’s been telling the kids and I “ I hate yall “. This is in addition to the constant accusations of having an affair with his father . If you recall in my previous post he had asked me if his father could stay temporarily but that quickly went south. I was hoping they could move out together . So I can just escape all the craziness completely. His father said he needs until the end of December to leave and I said okay because he’s innocent in all of this and doesn’t deserve to be thrown out on the street but   that meant my husband wouldn’t leave until he left and I’d have to get through the holidays walking on egg shells and have him yell at me , name call, cause division between the kids and I …etc. Well yesterday after he swore he’d behave long enough to save up and leave he changed his mind and packed all his things and left. He went to his moms which is an hour away. I feel a sense of relief, sense of failure . My heart breaks for my kids but they say they understand. My father in law never comes out his room so I don’t know if he heard him moving out or not yesterday but I really hope that with his son not being here anymore he leaves sooner then December 31st.

Hi there!

I can confirm the words of you all.
My partner was in therapy the last year. But what happened was: 1.He left every therapist who really confronted him with his entitlement and emotional disregulation. 2. After a few weeks just said „oh, I‘m fine now. Don’t need these shrinks“ or „they can‘t help me anyway“ or „I told the therapist how horrible you have let me down endless times“ . 3. He told me, that he only needs a job, a house, the RIGHT partner - and everything will be fine.

I think, it is a good question to ask: „Why do I want to stay ( or go back ) in a relationship like that?

I‘m in therapy myself for a very long time. I have many issues like: not being able to set boundaries, people pleasing because a huge fear of being judged… I think, that feeds an unhealthy relationship.


So - why not let go a relationship where the partner is not able to see the core of the problems in the relationship? I even adressed that a few times very clear to him: „We are in a toxic relationship. From both sides. If we don’t really look at that BOTH, there is no Chance.“ He is not ready for that. And still a crazy little hope always glimps up again…