When you sent the message telling her how to indicate she acknowledged your message, you were actually sabotaging her No Contact order/agreement, helping her to evade the intent of that order.  She was facing consequences yet you have meddled with them, essentially weakening them.

Probably not a big issue, but something of which to be aware.

Years ago my ex and I were both dealing with No Contact orders.  They were serious.  When she needed to come get her personal items she had to arrange for an officer to handle the peace visit.  Neither the court nor the police want repeated domestic disputes.

Hi, I had the difficult conversation with my swbpd 2 days ago. He reacted loudly with blaming, accusing  - it was a spiral. I handled     it best I could, trying to be empathetic and validating and didn't add fuel to the fire.   We ended with a calm conversation about stuff. Last night my son text "I'm sorry I lost my temper, I feel terrible"  I responded that I said a hard thing that hurt and you reacted.  Now, the hard work. I told my son I wouldn't be giving him anymore money. I have rescued my son paying debts into to many thousands and I've dug too deep into my small retirement nest egg. I feel bad because he works hard. But his mismanagement,  disordered thinking and over spending undermines all his efforts. Sheese, he has more "stuff" than I do.
Anyway I finally am getting my helping hasn't helped,  I'm just keeping the hamster wheel turning.
Help! How did you hold tough - knowing that your child could very easily be homeless?  My younger son shares a house with his brother. I warned my youngest son about what I needed to do and to prepare himself.  I'm sure he has friends he can stay with until he gets a place. My bpd son may not have people willing to have him stay. He can't live with us. My husband said no way. I don't want him here either. That sounds cruel but we've been through that about 5 yrs ago.  I hate mental illness. I hate what it robs from the people who suffer with it and from their families.
So, I need to say no even if.... Have you experienced your child managing when you let go? Is there hope I can hang onto besides doing this to protect myself and my marriage.?  In my heart I feel like I'm doing this for my son too so he can grow and maybe get the help he says he wants but avoids.
Thank you for being there.

Thanks Horselover, I completely agree with your suggestion.  I have in the past tried to organize my and the kids lives without ever having to rely on him, it was like we lived 2 totally separate lives.  Which worked, until he would switch and "would NEED something"...like spending time with the kids and then he would literally go to school to pick up our kids without telling anyone and when the babysitter got there to pick them up, they would be gone...which leaves me looking like a complete fool as the babysitter is like "what is happening!" 

For financial and household matters, I have accepted that there can probably never be joint banking accounts, etc again and don't even go there with him.  I pay more than my share and he admits that to me when in a good mood, and I have heard several times that he needs to get a part time job on top of the full time job he already has, but I have yet to see him follow through with that.  Same with household matters.  He talks about several projects he wants to do, but rarely gets to them.  Though, I will admit that he has started noticing all of the work that I do, thanking me and has contributed way more than in the past.  Thus, I totally agree with these matters, realize that "talk can be cheap" and to not depend on the "plans" that are made. 

For my kids, this is where I struggle.  I have tried not to depend on him for anything with them, setting up other plans that do not involve him, but he "wants to be involved" so makes his own plans and if I over ride this, he loses it and does what he wants anyway, making it worse for all involved.  Since he has moved back in, I am trying to communicate and show I care about him at all times, even when I know he is in a mood that he wants nothing to do with me.  He is horrible at communication, so I try to over communicate so that when I say the kids and I are going to do XYZ on Saturday which involves my buying tickets, do you want to come, he has the opportunity to say that my SD 14 will be with us so please get her a ticket too and if not, thats on him...and so he knows he can't stop me from taking the kids!  If he is in a mood he will most likely forget and get mad at me anyway, but at least I know that I tried!         

Words are cheap and BPDs say all kinds of things when they're dysregulated.  Don't think too much into this.  She will contact you or she won't.

You have your priorities in order with the graduation approaching.  Don't let your older child ruin that. 

There's nothing wrong with buying a book.  I can see the over-reaction because the entire family saw that you bought a mental health book.  Your BPD kid took it as a personal attack.  The whole reason you bought the book, however, is because she takes a lot of things as personal attacks and wants to argue over it.

If she confronts you directly, be honest- you bought the book to better understand her and you're hoping to avoid the same types of conflicts in the future.  But don't defend, don't argue, because that's what she wants...that's what feeds her mental illness.  You have to get away from that sort of thing for the relationship to change.

Honestly, no contact may be the best thing right now.  Read your book in peace and be better equipped for the next vacation.

One last thing- she doesn't want to go no contact...she wants you to apologize and beg her to forgive you.  Again, that's the mental illness aspect of this.  I would advise you to resist that temptation to say whatever she wants just to "fix things", because it's not actually fixing anything.  It's being manipulated and it makes the situation even worse over time.

Hi!  You have already received such helpful information!  I, too, have an adult daughter (26 years old) who cut ties with me, her father, sister and nieces....I have moments of hope, moments of doubt (I love that those were recognized); I have researched BPD (a very good book is Walking On Eggshells); I found a therapist who specializes in parents of young adults with BPD! For me, the biggest hurt, is accepting JOY, I feel guilty feeling joy when my daughter does not speak to me!  I very much hope your situation improves, however, I just want to say, that I understand the PAIN, disappointment and they refer to it as "grieving someone still alive"; feel free to reach out, if you like

Thank you both. I know you know what I’m talking about. That alone helps. And your words are wise. No shame in being human. 

I think even when we work at being less emotionally reactive to the things our BPD relatives say, we are still human, we still have feelings. There were several times I was in tears over something BPD mother said.

The difference was in how I responded to her. By not responding in a reactive way, it lessened the drama between us. That didn't mean I didn't cry- I did at times.

Another difference was that- there were also times when what she said didn't bother me as much, but keep in mind- we are human, it's not an either or. Sometimes it won't bother you, sometimes it will. You can have your feelings.

Good for you.  It's a process, and a very tough one indeed.

I can relate.  For the last few months, my husband stated that he was planning to stop paying for one of his BPD daughter's recurring expenses.  Like you, he informed her of his plans, "After your next birthday, I'm not paying your recurring bill anymore.  You're an adult, it's not appropriate that I continue to pay your expenses.  I'm retired, I can't afford it."

Well, that was the plan, and she reacted in the expected way--with avoidance and cutting off contact with him.  But what has since happened to the plan?  Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and my husband has already walked away from his "boundary"!  He didn't stop paying for one or two months, to gauge how she would react, to see if she would work out a solution herself.  No, he has been walking back his boundary, early:  "Well, I'll still pay for half."  My guess is, he'll be right back to 100% by the time her birthday rolls around.  Why?  He can't stand the guilt, the begging (via her therapist), the ongoing estrangement.  He had declared his plan and gave her a long runway for her to adjust, but when it came down to it, he couldn't hold his boundary--he just can't shut off the ATM.  In her eyes, he's always there to rescue her, and in her opinion, he deserves to PAY retribution for her supposed terrible childhood!  Meanwhile, she feels entitled to live beyond her means.  And he's trying to buy her love back.

That's why, sometimes I think the best plan isn't to talk about plans at all, but just to shut off the ATM, or cut up the credit cards so to speak.  If there's a frantic call about new tires for the car:  "I'm not fixing it, it's not my car, and I can't afford to take care of someone else's car, you're going to have to figure it out."

Look JsMom, one of the biggest gifts you can give your child(ren) is not to make them to bail you out of financial trouble as a retiree because you didn't save enough for your own retirement.

Hi Mom2,  I'm sorry you are hurting. Grieving our bpd suffering loved one is hard enough alone but when we add guilt it's unbearable. I've tortured myself with guilt when I enjoyed time with my step children as if somehow I was being disloyal to my son. I couldn't enjoy a family holiday because my son wouldn't attend. I wasn't being fair to myself, my step kids and I certainly wasn't helping my son. I've beat myself up with guilt at how I might be responsible for his illness, choices, divorce.  That didn't help me heal, have courage to deal with his bpd or to actually see him for who he is, accept who he is and love him well.
Remind yourself that you haven't closed any doors to your daughter. You aren't being disloyal.  Guilt eases up over time as we learn to let go of it. You are a loving mom.

I think some of the emotional pain you have felt may be wanting her, but also wishing she was different. You can want what you want, and if it's her, then she is who she is- younger and at her age, maybe not ready to settle down. She may want what you have to offer her but also not be emotionally ready, or able, to really settle down, or want to stop the behaviors that get the attention she likes. Still, this is who you want and it's the whole package- the attractiveness, the intensity, and the behaviors are all in one person.

The one way no contact order only works well when one person wants no contact at all, and so there won't be any contact between the two. However, you don't want to be NC and have contacted her. If you're confused about how she is possibly responding via social media, also consider- she's the one with the order- she can't contact you directly. Whether or not the social media what's app means anything- there's no way to know. I think it's understandable to imagine she's in a difficult position with the ban being on her and not able to respond even if she wanted to.

At this point there's no knowing what she's thinking, or wants until you can communicate with her directly. She still has her own choice with this, and there's no way to make someone want a relationship. All you can do is to reach out to her when her NC order is lifted. She may fear facing consequences for breaking it. However, a few months of no contact is not the same as doing work in therapy. The most likely outcome is that she's going to have the same behaviors.