I had an interesting experience at a friend's 50th Wedding Anniversary party yesterday.  I think maybe because I have been looking at my part in my relationship with my swubpd "and" I'm learning about relationship roles as in the Drama Triangle with the persecutor, rescuer and victim. I could identify these roles in an interaction with my ex husband with bpd, his current girlfriend and his 2nd ex wife. My ex became the victim in talking about our swubpd. Though he has caused much trauma and abandonment HE started to carry on about how he wants a relationship and said Is it me? Is it me?  I am a little nauseous admitting this but I had an emotional tug to "rescue" and make him feel better. A light bulb came on. No wonder that I rush so quickly to rescue my son who I am enmeshed with. That gives me a little emotional breathing room to reflect on when my son is in the victim role. Back to the party... No worries the girlfriend soothed him and said how he struggles with the pain of the father/son broken relationship.  The 2nd ex wife jumped into the persecutor role.  Very enlightening experience.

Disrespect is a serous matter, not to be discounted.  The problem is that you can't order respect.  If you're disrespected and the other has been made aware of your feelings, then it is up to you to decide whether to tolerate disrespect or reinforce your boundary requiring you be treated with respect if the contact is to be continued.

Sadly, reminiscing about youthful crushes is typical, yet it in no way means those old memories should be fostered and renewed... especially when there are real concerns about doing so.

Yes, you're welcome to move on.  When invitations, call or whatever from negative-oriented people come knocking at your door, so to speak, you don't have to answer.  As the saying goes, you don't have to let them rent space in your head for free.

This reminds me of this booklet meant for youths, An Umbrella for Alex.  The message there is generic since minor children need age-appropriate language.  A simple illustration was appropriate, imagine an umbrella or shield to protect you from the harm spewing out from poorly behaving people.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and the harm its caused you.  However, I don't feel like it's a complex situation at all.

He's responsible for himself.  You're responsible for you.  Those are two different things and you must think about them separately.

First, let's talk about him.  You entered a relationship where you're being unfaithful to your husband, so you gave him permission to be unfaithful as well.  For a BPD, that's a "best of both worlds" scenario because they get all the feel-good emotion and excitement without an ounce of actual comittment.  By definition, that's not a relationship...its an arrangement.

However, he's not abiding by the arrangement since it sounds like the "best of both worlds" isn't enough for him.  He wants even more, he wants full control and submission, which is more of an NPD trait.  BPD/NPD are on the same spectrum and often cross paths.  Maybe he's just trying to make you jealous.  Maybe he genuinely expects you to be excited about how much he's into his boss.  Either way, it's manipulation and it's cruel.

Now let's talk about you.  You're responsible for you and only you.  You're married to one man, and in an arrangement with the other.  You also mentioned that you're happy with your husband, but you made a statement that if you handled the past different, maybe you never would have broken up with the other guy.  There's a lot of confusion for me there, and I'm guessing there's a lot of confusion for you too.

Which relationship takes priority?  The one that you said was "good" or the one that brings "anxiety, jealousy, and disrespect"? 

It's essential for you to make a choice here.  Keep doing what you're doing until it all blows up spectacularly.  That's what the "best of both worlds" always brings in every circumstance- you can't find one instance in the history of the world where 4 or 5 people lived happily ever after in this circumstance.  It always breaks and everyone ends up hurt.

Or you can create healthy boundaries where you stop accepting the abusive behavior.  I think either path leads to the same outcome, unless you're willing to leave your husband and marry your long-lost love under these abusive circumstances.  But you also said that you're not even his favorite person right now, which is another cause for serious alarm.

Nobody here can tell you what to do, but I'd suggest you really think about which relationship should be your priority right now.  One is good, one is bad, and the bad one will always go in circular patterns like this because serious mental illness is at its core.  BPDs are terrified of someone leaving them, yet you're leaving him every time to go home to your husband.  That alone will keep him unstable and guarantee selfish behavior. 

Ok so here's is the issue , this is our story. He was my best friend in high-school we talk about everything together and soon those crushes turned into love . We dated for 2 and half years but he often verbally attacked me caused me some ptsd he was always telling me everything was my fault that I couldn't talk to other guys or it was disrespectful to so honestly its something I learned that I was kinda of doing I would keep up long term relationships with other guys and other relationships taught me it wasnt really ok so i keep my interactions to a minimum when im with someone just out of respect for the person.
Anyway he left me after 2 years of torture, I was soo numb . I knew he was leaving me for her because I saw their interactions together and he was so excited about her .

He stayed with this women for 17 years and we reconnected ...I realized how much I missed him . Missed the connection and deep friendship we have. My husband and I have an open situation so we were able to talk and im allowed to date. I know tototal 180 right my husband and I are happy its just something we enjoy but we have a rule I can only have one other person so needless to say I chose my ex again. Which I usually never go back to an ex but he seemed changed and different this 17 year relationship had changed him. He was sorry for everything he'd done. He left that women and we decided to add him to our thing going on .he requested to be apart of it and through it we find out he has bpd.

I became a one women research team and started reading every book I got my hands on . I was sad because I feel like if I would have understood him when we were young he wouldnt have left in ther first place. Regardless  I wanted to understand,  now mind you I have major anxiety and panic disorder.  So im sensitive. 

I know he had a favorite person right now and its not me and im trying to deal with that.hes allowed to talk to whomever he pleases but there is one women at work whom he keeps talking about almost to the point of inappropriate amounts and it was making me uncomfortable. I asked him to please stop or just censor what he chooses to share with me about her. I realize this is his job and shes his boss so she will obviously come in conversation but it hurts alot because he seems to happy and giddy about her. I keep asking him to please just tone it down and to just mind what he says because it will trigger my anxiety.  Its the only time ive truly censored him.

He keeps getting aggressive about it . Now to note im speaking to no other men and no other man has left my lips out of respect. He keeps accusing me of severe jealousy threatening to quit his job . How im ruining the friendship we have . I keep telling him this behavior is hurting me . He said he would tone it done and has . It made me feel so much more comfortable and he would just talk about work situations with her and i was fine.

Last night we go out to dinner since we dont gwt to spend much time due to the terrible hours at his job abd he works hard and ive been sympathetic qnd I cater to basically his ever need. He begins to ask me to to be an " easier" girlfriend that he doesnt want to realky have to deal with my emotions when he comes home deal with my moods when hes home.which hurt alot then he states that he wishes he could talk freely about this women. I got angry at the table but calm and tried to explain my case foe the 5th time because I felt he just didnt get it to which he got angry in return to the point where he was crushing the bread and accusing me of ruining that part of our friendship and we will have nothing to talk about because she is at his job.

Note I dont care about work situations I care that hes talking about " sitting knee to knee with her in golf carts and how his eyes light up when he talks about the kind of coffee she likes." Its its just alittle disrespectful and it hurts alittle so i tried to set a boundary and he keeps trying to push it and verbally devalues and attacks me when I do. I just want this boundary to be met and for him to understand that and once I feel secure he really wont hear much else from me about it but he keeps pushing so it keeps making me insecure. Im just trying to understand how to deal with the disrespect and im trying to understand his side but if he said somthing was hurting him id do everything in my power not to do that..

Each time I try and set this boundary its a huge fight and a problem . Im at a loss .
Tbh its really hard for me to deal with the devaluation and constantly having to manage his emotions but he cant do this one thing..I feel disrespected and hurt and tired

Note : he agreed to this open relationship but the same rules apply to both Sides he can randomly do as he pleases but always come home and we remain priority but he is making this women seem like a threat to that priority..behavior changes constant talking about her, dropping everything to help her. I dont belive this is a romantic thing but im just asking to please respect the boundary I set and when he was it made me feel so much more secure and relaxed and i didnt worry and there was no more issue no more fights but he just keeps pushing it.

Idk what to do  I know its a complex situation but I wouldnt react this way if I didnt feel threatened.  Hes talked to other women in the past and it hasn't effected me except for his ex while they were breaking g up he pushing boundaries with it but they were more set for him so he could heal but its a mess.

I agree- Zachira- I think at some level, it will always feel upsetting when dealing with the flying monkeys. I think a difference now is that- we recognize it and can "recover" our calm again a bit more quicker. I don't think there's one exact word for how this feels- it's like an ick feeling.

They don't change, and yet, I think these episodes also bring back some grief and disappointment - as we had wished for something better with them, but this is who they are.

You have every right to protect your peace. Inractions with family members may not be completely avoidable but acting calm, collected, non reactive keeps your power with you.

Self care is a good response to when we feel icky after contact with them. Go do something nice for yourself

Has anyone seen this, and also saw their ex as the main character? Multiple times I just shook my head. That's my ex...she's acted that way. Said those things. The tone. Great movie but scary for our reasons.

I got a phone call from one of the flying monkeys from my large extended family. Summer is the time of year when the flying monkeys bother me because they want to know if I will be around. I kept my cool, practiced boundaries yet today I still feel the hurt. I am still working on accepting that the flying monkeys from the narcissistic family are hell bent on preserving the family image. I have refused to accept my role as scapegoat or the abuse of other scapegoats so I am ostracized. The flying monkeys could never take a look at how they have enabled the abuse of others.

The family does not want me to come to the celebration of life of a close relative who I was close to. The invitations were sent out months ago to everyone but me. Now I am being asked a few days in advance if I will be attending. The person who called knows I was never sent an invitation, that I live far away most of the year and would have just a few days to book a flight to be able to come if I am not actually at the summer place. She just really wanted to know if I would be at the summer place. I used to receive this kind of inquiry every summer and I did not respond. Her phony voice asking me if I was coming just turned my stomach. She made several nasty comments, talked down to me. I am still feeling grossed out by this interaction realizing I have moved so far in discovering my true self and realizing I just do not enjoy my two faced phony relatives.  Thanks for reading this. Want to just move on.

My experiences are kind of unique since I have a BPD daughter (traditional) and a BPD ex wife (quiet).  On the surface, they're nothing alike.  One explodes daily, the other keeps everything hidden inside.  Both are very kind when they want to be, and both see things in absolutes when they're disordered (you always say this, you never do that).  My kid picked fights daily with people she was close to.  My wife suffered silently and fell deeper and deeper into depression.

They were nothing alike at a glance, but ultimately they were the same.

How?  Why?  I don't want to get too deep into my story right now because this is about you.  When my ex wife ultimately turned on me though and got to the discard phase, she said and did things that I didn't think she was capable of.  There were decades of built up frustration and it came out with complete hatred just like my kid does daily.  There was zero chance to save my marriage.

Now, you're wondering where your spouse fits in all of that.  She could be exactly like my ex...or nothing like her.  We tend to see patterns here but there's not a one-size-fits-all experience that rings true for all of us.  There's levels of sickness/disorder and there's life expeirences that makes everyone unique.  My ex was a very good, moral person.  My daughter often means well, but her illness pulls her off track so easily.

The illness part is often the same in terms of feelings.  But think about it.  You and I can be together somewhere, something happens, and we both get angry over what happens right in front of us.  Maybe I stay silent or say we need to leave immediately.  Maybe you want to confront the situation and give them a piece of your mind.  Our life experiences are going to play a huge factor in how we each react...even though we both agree on this particular right/wrong.  We could be 100% aligned in our thinking yet do two completely different things, because you and I are individuals with unique morals and experiences.

BPDs are the same way.  Like I said earlier, my ex and my kid are exactly the same at their core due to mental illness.  But their daily life, their actions, their personalities, those are completely different.  The BPD part only refers to how they react when they're disordered.

One last thing.  My kid explodes often, will resort to violence if she feels it's necessary, and will carry a grudge to the ends of the earth.  My ex will stay silent and let things build, which makes her hopelessly depressed with tons of anxiety.  My ex is a good person on paper, my kid is not.

Yet, I would say that my kid is "healthier" mentally.  And I know that sounds crazy at first, but hear me out.  My kid reacts in the moment and gets out all that negative, explosive energy.  Sometimes she cries after or stays anrgy for awhile, but it eventually allows her to reset and go about her day.  My ex, on the other hand, just lets it build internally and feels like she's dying inside.  She can't react because "she's a good person", so the guilt and shame eat away at her 24/7 until she can't stand it anymore.  There is no "reset" because she never takes action or stands up for herself.  Each day is worse than the last.

I love both of them and I have compassion for both of them.  But my heart breaks for my ex because I had a small glimpse into her psyche when she left me several years ago.  She's just like my kid, a volcano ready to explode, yet she hadn't exploded in decades.  And that let her mental illness consume her until there was no other option than suddenly destroying our marriage in spectacular ways.

You may relate to that or you may not.  Hopefully that showed the differences a little bit between the two clasifications.  My wife and my kid are identical at their core, but they're completely different in almost every recognisible way.  They both have hearts of gold that simply get pulled off track by mental illness.

You're right.  Blanket statements don't fit every circumstance.  That's because we all have different traits to different extents.  We're not identical robots on an assembly line.

However, there are often common behavior patterns, not universal but generally frequent enough to be identifiable.  As an example, autism is often described as being on a spectrum, from moderate to severe.  Similarly, Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, etc all exit exist more or less on a spectrum as well.

Some here report infidelity, others report none or only emotional affairs.  Many report report periodic rants and rages, virtual ragefests.  Some seem to be co-morbid with traits of multiple disorders, such as BPD with NPD traits.  So it is wise to listen, ponder and then determine what fits your experiences.

Another consideration is that those who come here may not reflect the full scope of BPD experiences.  We don't know how many are not motivated to figure out what might be wrong with their loved ones.  They may see more mild behaviors and not be as desperate to seek out information.  The experts (as I recall William Eddy mentioning) estimate that 10% to 15% of divorces involve a disordered spouse.

You will find quite an array of books over on our Book Club board.  Each author seems to have found certain aspects to highlight.  One I recall was Christine Ann Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother where she describes various personality types such as Waif, Hermit, Queen or Witch.  There is quite a variety of behaviors we witness and also quite a variety of strategies, tools and skills we can use depending upon our specific needs.