Thank you for your responses.

I left this time around the end of March and when we were split up before, we never actually finalized the divorce or custody arrangement. I previously had a temporary protective order from CPS and she had supervised visits at a church scheduled for about a year. She talked me into meeting outside of the supervised arrangement and she put on the extra charm which eventually led to us getting back together and the court case was abandoned.

Now I have left again and did not call CPS or file for a protection order yet. Currently there is no custody arrangement an I have had both kids with me 100% of the time. I had gotten a DWI about 4 years ago, I missed court once it was filed two years later and she would always start a fight about me wanting to get it resolved. I think she liked that she could hold that over me since I could not renew my license at the time and it looked bad on my end and I think she wanted to keep it that way. Once I left I turned myself in to get that resolved so it’s no longer a warrant. 

When we left in March she would call the kids on FaceTime and try to inflate how great things are and she would go over the top with “acting” suddenly interested in them. My daughter even said she was performing and if we were there she would be the same angry mom we have come to know. I told her some people are just better from a distance.

That was when my daughter blocked her and they stopped answering her FaceTime calls. I didn’t know about it yet at the time and I didn’t want to completely cut off communication, but with how she can manipulate me I thought it was best that I at least avoided contact when possible. She texted me one evening and said “I haven’t heard from the kids in 48 hours, I’m calling the cops”. I promptly responded and said everyone is fine. She said, or I read it this way, in a snarky way “Oh too late I just got off the phone with them”.

The police showed up and said that she had called a welfare check and mentioned several times that I have a warrant, so she was trying to get me arrested out of spite. They said everything looked fine and they advised me to get a protective order against her.

After that I blocked her too, I didn’t want her to have that kind of control over my life and she can call the police if she wants, I am taking care of everything I need to. I feel I should get a protective order so at least something more recent is documented.

I understand the effort and value in keeping a family intact. The question I have is- if appeasing one's spouse to keep the family intact is the right thing, what if the appeasing involves doing the wrong thing to others, oneself, or to the family?

Right and wrong can be a matter of opinion sometimes but I mean doing something that is considered wrong in most cultures/religions. You mentioned appeasing to the point of giving up your own values. What if these are moral values?

This issue- giving up values- were a dynamic that affected the relationships in the family. It may have appeased BPD mother in the moment, but it caused real damage to relationships. Appeasing my mother in order to maintain the peace also had a high personal cost for my father- and maybe he was willing to do that for her but when it impacted his relationships with his own family and children- how far is too far?

I know your moral code has a religious grounding so I will use that for the examples of right and wrong. It is right to "leave your parents" and "cling to your spouse" but that doesn't mean cutting contact with them entirely or causing them the pain of not seeing their grandchildren,  just because your wife demands it and they haven't done anything to deserve that. It doesn't delete "Honor your parents".

I'm not singling out anyone or reporting exactly on things my father did,  but here on this board are many examples of grieving mother in laws, grandmothers who have lost contact with their adult child because that person is trying to hold the family togther and appease their BPD spouse.

I have also seen examples where holding the family together also involves the children being exposed to the dysfunction in the family and the behaviors of the BPD spouse. This is a complex issue because, the courts will usually award custody to both parents and in some situations, it's better that the children are not alone with their BPD parent more.

Giving in on things that matter less to us isn't a big issue. I think we all have our own individual boundaries but where's the line between holding things together and abandoning our own values? That's the dilemma.

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so glad you found us.  This sounds like a really frustrating situation, and it also sounds like you've done everything right up until this point.  The final step is to just let go of the rope and let whatever happens happen.

Your sibling is mentally ill and will continue having problems until they take treatment seriously.  Your mom may not be mentally ill, but she's likely under so much pressure to help your sibling, it's like a mental illness.  I have a BPD ex and a BPD daughter, and I didn't realize until years after the fact that I was depressed, anxious, and exhausted because I was always so worried about what would happen next. 

Because I'm dad, I have to show up regardless, no matter how big of a hole my kid put herself in.  Even when she screamed at me and hated me.

What I learned in time was that I was enabling so much of the abuse that came my way by not enforcing healthy boundaries.  Your mom is in that same position and bless her, she's doing the best she can.  So realize that mom is not the enemy and she's only doing what she thinks is best in a really terrible situation.

Your sibling is also doing the best they can in a lousy situation (within their mind).  They are always the victim, always in the center of drama, and they're always rushing to put out a fire...yet starting three more on the way.  It's sad really, but the only way it gets better is if your sibling decides to take treatment seriously.

While you have great boundaries with your sibling, you have shaky ones with mom.  Let her know that you're not against your sibling; you're just not going to be in the middle of anything.  Your spouse and kids can choose what they want to do as well, and you'll help your sibling if you can.  It won't be at the expense of your mental health though- you're not accepting abuse just for the heck of it.

Look at it this way- you didn't cut off your sibling.  Your sibling decided to not respect your values, and you made it very clear that if that's what they chose, you weren't going to be in their life.  They made the decision- not you!  You just kept your promise and did the rational thing. 

Let mom know that you'll continue keeping that promise- if your sibling is civil, you're always there to talk.  If they're ugly, you'll walk away.  They are the one deciding though and this has very little to do with you.

My heart goes out to you having to deal with the never ending drama of having to still deal with your disordered sibling because you have chosen to have contact with your mother who enables your sister. "The situation never seems to end" really fits.

My mother with BPD is deceased. I have a large extended family and family of origin full of flying monkeys who enable the golden children like my sister with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and abuse the scapegoats like myself. I am still in contact with a few family members and people in the community where I grew up. The abusive behaviors from the flying monkeys never end and the resentment the family holds for my going no contact with my sister and exposing the family for generations of terrible abuse is never ending. Most recently I was taken off the family email list because of a short genuinely nice comment I made. Up until then the family did not realize I was on the email list. I have made requests to be added back to the list and ignored.

Dealing with your situation is really about boundaries. With your mother, I would shut down the conversation as soon as she starts talking about your sister saying something simple like: "I will not discuss my sister." and then follow through with leaving the room if your mother continues to insist. The most important boundary is how much you are going to allow yourself to be upset by how badly your family is acting: at what intensity and for how long. Clearly it is very hurtful to be so unfairly and badly treated by your closest family members. With time and continuing to work on boundaries, you will be less affected by their hurtful disturbing behaviors though it will likely always be a life long sorrow to be mistreated by your own family members.

The way your family members act is very ingrained and not likely to change. Give yourself a warm caring pat on the back for recognizing the dysfunction and being a loving mother doing everything you can to protect your children.

 

Thank you so much, I was hoping that my actions weren't the cause here and that it was just that, her making this about her like normal. She doesn't think I am happy and she hates that I am honestly. Your input is very much appreciated thank you!

First off, congrats on the upcoming wedding!

Second, your wedding day should 100% be about the bride.  It's your dream day, it's every young woman's dream day.  It's meant to feel special and because of that, pre-wedding jitters are completely normal.  You have 100 things that could go wrong and you're probably thinking about all of them.  Again, 100% normal bride-to-be behavior.

Third, look at the bold statement I quoted from you.  Would THEY be happier?  Where did I mention anyone but you in the first two points?  Truthfully, weddings are about family and a lot of your time will be absorbed greeting guests, posing for pictures, telling the same stories many times...and everyone wants to hear it from you as they congratulate you.

What you don't want to do is worry about how someone else feels with a track record of causing chaos at family events.  All the 'who said what' stuff, all the drama, none of that is about you and your wedding.  It's about your sister and mental illness instead.

Whether you're right or wrong is not the question to ask here.  It doesn't matter at all because this one day is all about you (and family, and pictures, and traditions...but stick with me, it's still all about you).  You absolutely must let this go and allow your sister to say whatever she's going to say.  If she causes problems, so be it; that's outside your control. 

And if you can't control it, then don't worry about it.  What happens will happen...no worry required.

Your only job is to be a beautiful, happy bride.  Focus on your job and let the rest fall into place.  I hope that helps!

My BPD ex and my BPD daughter did the same thing- they needed to feel it.  Yet they couldn't sometimes because they went into the situation with an agenda already made in their minds.  That's the crux of the mental illness, the disordered thinking that makes blue look like yellow with pink polka-dots.

They feel what they feel- that's real to them.  Just remember that feelings aren't facts.  If they say, "I don't want to go because nobody likes me."  Okay, that's valid because they feel rejected.  You shouldn't argue about feelings.  But at the same time, you should understand that it's the mental illness talking and the situation they perceive isn't necessarily true.  It just "feels" that way to them.

How does this help?

Don't argue about feelings.  If your partner complains that people don't like him, say that 'you hate feeling that way and it would bother you too.'  That flips things- now you're an ally instead of an enemy.  Your feelings are aligned on what he's experiencing and that makes a huge difference.

What does an ally do?  I'll talk to them and find out what's going on.  But again, now you're doing it as an ally to help him instead of an enemy that's making him even more uncomfortable.  This is how the narrative shifts over time and gets back to "us" instead of "your feelings" and "his feelings".

Make sense?

You hit the nail on the head, PeteWitsend, with him finding things to get upset about. Most of the time, I am present for the things he complains about. And, yes, my sister spoke to him. Yes, BIL said hello. Yes, my dad talked directly to him and asked questions. When he’s regulated, he’s reasonable. When he’s not, the disconnect with reality is maddening.

He’ll draw SS15 into it as well — that no one cares about him or includes him. That’s gotten a little better now that he’s older. He and the oldest three kids now have friends and acquaintances in common. When H is calm, he’s reasonable. When he’s not, nothing short of my family worshipping at SS’s altar will satisfy him.

Hi again,

I myself have an aunt who is a high-conflict person.  Since she's high functioning, I wouldn't say she has "full blown" BPD, but I suspect she has some BPD traits.  When I was young, she seemed to complain too much in my presence, for example about various physical ailments.  When I was just eight or nine, I had the sense that she was mean, hyper-critical, whiny, attention-seeking and inappropriate--let's just say she wasn't my favorite relative.  And since she's still living seventy years later, I can't help but think she was exaggerating about her (poor) health, A LOT.

Anyway, one time my aunt had a meltdown when my brother visited with her over a long weekend.  He had just gotten accepted into a college, and he decided to wear a sweatshirt from his chosen college during the visit to his aunt's home.  I think that most "normal" people would have congratulated my brother for getting into his chosen college, especially his aunt, who happened to be a teacher!  But when it comes to someone with BPD traits, I think you guys can imagine what happened.  Auntie accused her young nephew of being insulting, condescending and pretentious.  She threw a hissy fit because he dared to wear such a sweatshirt in her home.  After the visit, she sent some mean correspondence to my mother.  We were shocked that she wasn't able to be happy for someone else, not even her nephew--and that she couldn't keep the negative thoughts to herself, but rather lashed out with wild, incoherent accusations.  After the incident, she became estranged from our family, for years.  All because a highschooler wore a sweatshirt with a college insignia on it.  Geesh.  Jealous much?  I think only a BPD-twisted mind would consider such a thing as insulting and deserving of long-term estrangement.  At the time, I didn't know about BPD, but now I think it was a classic BPD response:  misplaced envy, projection of attention-seeking behavior, convoluted "victim" logic, and lashing out to ruin someone else's happy moment.

And here's the rub:  once my dad passed away, my aunt tried to reconnect with my mom.  My mom was torn up about it, because her sister had been so mean (e.g. the sweatshirt incident) and unsupportive over the years.  As an example, she was invited to my dad's Celebration of Life but made a lame excuse not to attend.  My mom and I talked it over, and I basically advised her, it's OK not to let her "back in."  Auntie had never apologized or even been nice, really.  Why rekindle old grudges?  Why invite more drama?  I think my mom appreciated that I said it was OK to prioritize her own happiness.  And so Auntie remains estranged.

A lot of you have helped me in so many ways through all this madness with my sister and her most recent blow up. I keep getting that ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and think about ways she will reach out, what she will say when I see her again, how she will act if i go to a family function and she is there. Will she over react? Will she yell at me? Will she get physical with me? I am unable to control these thoughts sometimes. I have been trying to keep myself very busy but mi mind is still racing at all the things. She is taking up too much head space. Then I think "what if I did something wrong, is she really that bad?" and I have to go through and think of all the things that have happened and have to sit and realize that no, it's not normal, and I didn't deserve that treatment.

But with this past experience, I thought we were good... then when it had came out that I had spoken to my niece about taking them out of the bridal party prior to talking to my sister, because we weren't sure how she would take it. I have now don't the worst thing to my sister, and that was lie by not talking to her about it prior to her daughter.

When I spoke to my niece about how I was uncomfortable with my sister being a bridesmaid she told me "aunite, all she does is talk _____ about you and your relationship and how she thinks you're not happy, so you should take us both out so she wont get hurt over leaving me in it."

So that is exactly what I did, the next day I had the conversation with both of them and how I would like my wedding to be a peaceful experience and that I was requesting they step down as my bridesmaids, i mentioned that I had 2 other girls in mind. (this apparently was not said to anyone but my mother when I am hearing this story back). My sister was unhappy that I had a talk with my niece and that I had already had 2 other girls to fill their place. What I gather from this is yes... should I have trusted my young adult niece with this, probably not, I probably should have grown a pair and just had the talk with both of them generally, I understand that probably was not my best decision. But with me having backups, and them being upset about it, saying i never said that (no you didn't hear it) and that makes me think they would be happier if I was alone up there?

Please give me some guidance and let me know if what I did was wrong or if this is an over reaction