However, successful therapy does not guarantee that the marriage is repaired and prospers. It might, or it might not.
Another bell rings.
We're speaking tomorrow night by phone.
Today she sent me an audio note with 12 un-forgivable actions. I happened to be walking into therapy and utilized the time to listen to it alongside my therapist. I dug deep and could quickly recognize my failure to properly validate my pwBPD's feelings over time. But laying all 12 out made me quickly realize how bad black-and-white thinking becomes... during our first massive fight (and the first time I was kicked out of my house for a week) I bought a motorcycle at a bar at 2am. I let her know during a repair attempt. I tried to laugh it off, like "hey, I did something crazy, too!" Bad move. Any partner would be annoyed. But five years later it's still unforgivable. Not quitting her meds and kicking me out of the house because she "didn't have the combo to our safe with ours kids documents in it." (Arrested Development Voice) she did.
Three were issues with my mom; instances where she picked fights and my attempts to resolve didn't work... I tried to lead horses to water instead of simply siding with my partner. Problem is, I didn't fully agree with her side. She was quick to anger, irrational and I believe overly unforgiving in the moment. These un-forgivable failures seem less about me than a conjecture of a reality that I don't live in.
More failures; inconsideration, one-sided presentations of experiences (where I do recognize some culpability, but I cannot for the life of me figure out where the entire other half of the experience seems to have gone...)
I'm increasingly feeling done. I've stayed longer than anyone else in her life. She's excommunicated her sister three times in 8 years. Going back seems like working desperately to convince her... to take me back? And completely ignore all the other issues? It all feels untrue to who I am and what feels real.
Today I realized that this marriage failing isn't a failure. It's just a reality. I'm not cut out for this. Or, she's not in a position of healing enough to become self-reflective and address my own invalidation through our experiences.
When she texts, my mouth goes dry. My nerves tingle. I think "oh god, what next." The more time I spend away from her... the more time I'm finding myself happy again. And realizing how unhappy I've been.
That's painful. I think I love her. But I really, really don't know what to expect tomorrow. She's "100% done" on her end. Yet she sends me this list... I know a game when I see one. I'm told every time I leave the home (after being told to leave) that "I never fight back for her." Bait I won't take. If she can't see it, there's no point finishing the painting.
When I numb the parts of me that need numbing to exist with her, it turns out I numb everything. And I think I've been numb for 8 years.