It is key that you make your son responsible for his overwhelming emotions and that you don't allow him to get you upset. An example of this is the cycle of anger. You are feeling fine. Your son dumps his anger on you. Then he feels better as he sees you get upset. He only feels better temporarily. The cycle of anger starts again with nothing resolved.
This is key- it's a cycle of emotions. They build up, there's a crisis, you calm him and then there's another one.
With BPD mother, the crises were like waves in the ocean. One would be resolved- then there's another one. What was confusing is that these crises were often around real situations, making it seem like a true crisis, and in the moment, urgent for her. She had to have "it" (whatever it was) immediately and if not, she'd escalate. So the mix of both an actual crisis sometimes and an emotional one made these confusing.
Because of her age and situation, I did stay on the phone for these emotional crises with her. However, the phone calls were disruptive- they'd come at night, at work, during events, when I was with friends, family, even on trips. Eventually, I had to turn the phone off at night, so to be sure to sleep. BPD mother was in assisted living. There were nurses and staff available for immediate needs.
BPD mother had difficulty regulating her emotions. When these crises were solved for her, she didn't learn self regulation skills. This is why I think it's important to let your son learn now, if he's capable of that.
How to have boundaries on this for your son? What I did was to direct the crisis to the appropriate professional. I'd direct her to the nurse if it was a medical question. Financially, she did financial damage to herself, and eventually saw that if the money wasn't there, she couldn't spend it. As much as you fear for your son becoming homeless, he has to also feel his own fear, and if you step back and don't bail him out, perhaps he will then feel his own fear of it and not get himself into that situation.
I stopped giving advice unless specifically needed but I still would direct her to someone who could avise her better. Actually, for BPD mother, advice could feel invalidating, like assuming she couldn't figure things out on her own. Sometimes she'd get angry if advice was offered. Instead I'd say affirming statements like "I trust you will figure this out" . Sometimes she mostly just wanted to talk, not listen to anything else.
Here's where I think you can lean on the Kaiser resources. If your son is in crisis, they have counseling services, medical services. Saying "son, I see you are upset- and Kaiser has counseling for that" and then let him solve the issue for himself. If it's an emergency situation, if you feel he's in danger- call 911.



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