Hi Witsend,

There was a time that my uNPD BIL had shared custody of young children but was unfit to parent.  He's an alcoholic and has a host of untreated medical issues (obesity, hypertension, diabetes, gout, failing kidneys) that severely impair his daily functioning.  He was falling asleep all the time (e.g. he needed to nap on the side of the road when making an hour-long trip; he slept most days during visitation).  He had several car accidents and near-misses, and he'd get lost on familiar routes (e.g. driving the kids home from school).  His car was perennially banged up.  His eyesight was failing, and he had episodes of brain fog--evidenced by incoherent texts and email messages.  He can't walk or stand without support (a cane or wheelchair).  Plus his house is a mess, and he wasn't able to put his kids' interests first.  Needless to say, he's long-term unemployed, a total train wreck.

The kids report that during a recent visitation, he had bandages on his wrist and elbow, which sounds to me like dialysis.  That would mean later-stage kidney failure.  I saw him briefly last month, from a distance, and he looked horrible.  I'd say he has only a couple of years left in him, maybe a little longer because he's not even 60 yet.  In my humble opinion, all of this was self-induced from excessive drinking and eating junk food, combined with the NPD attitude of I-can-do-whatever-I-want-because-I'm-special.  He thinks his body is special and that his ailments were caused by outside forces.  For example, he told his kids that his recent weeks-long hospital stay happened because he took too much ibuprofen one day for joint pain (probably caused by gout).  Yeah right, as if his kidneys suddenly failed because he popped a pill or two.  He denies a drinking problem, but he hasn't been able to comply with court-ordered breathalyzer tests.  He regularly skips the tests, when skipping counts as a fail.  He always blames the fails on the testing system, his lack of phone coverage, difficulties paying for the breathalyzer service, the loss of the equipment, the absurdity of the test, the unfairness of his ex to insist he's alcohol-free during visitation, etc.  Does the blaming and refusal to take responsibility sound familiar?  Classic NPD/BPD.

Anyway, like you, my sister feared for her kids' safety, and she hired a PI.  In parallel, when her ex was examined by CPS, there was a thorough review of public records on him.  If your ex is anything like the pwNPD in my life, there is a substantial public file.  The local police had had several interactions with him, some involving driving, others involving unsafe/belligerent/questionable behavior.  Also, because he refused ordinary medical treatment but was ailing, he regularly utilized the local Urgent Care system.  My sister was able to obtain multiple medical records by approaching all the Urgent Care facilities within a certain radius of his home.  The records there helped substantiate a pattern of alarming and ongoing, untreated health issues, as well as a pattern of not following doctors' orders and "shopping" for pain meds.  Basically, my sister was able to establish that he was too sick to care for young children, as he couldn't even take care of himself, and he was too impaired to drive the kids around.  Yes it was very expensive, but she feared for her kids' lives.  Though the court system was slow to act, ultimtely she got a safer, more manageable visitation regime for the kids, including a prohibition against him driving them.  Now Grandma does the driving.  And she's something like 90, but way safer than dad.

Indeed.  I get irritated when I'm telling someone about my situation and they're like "why don't you just call your ex-wife and reason with her" and I'm thinking, "If I could do that, we wouldn't be divorced..."  Unless a person has experience dealing with BPD / high-conflict people they really don't understand that someone could intentionally be that difficult to deal with.  Or be difficult just for the sake of creating conflict. 


I think this is why you can also specify the medium in which they have to respond "Please send your response via email here.  I need a yes or no answer, and if the answer is yes, start the title transfer within a week, or we're towing." 

I know a pwBPD can argue with ANYTHING, regardless of the facts, but that doesn't fly as much when you're in court, making assertions comes with the burden of having to prove them, and the mean judge can hold them accountable for the things they say and do, or in this case, don't do. 

I'm looking for some outside perspective because I'm feeling really conflicted.

A few weeks ago, my stepdaughter reached out to my stepson simply to reconnect after almost two years of little to no contact. Instead of a positive response, he lashed out at her with accusations about my husband (his father). It was completely unprovoked and incredibly hurtful. - See previous post.

Since then, though, he contacted her again and suggested they meet in person. They got together, just the two of them. According to my stepdaughter, there were no apologies, no accountability, and no discussion about why he had cut off his father, me, and even her for almost two years. It was as if none of it had happened.

She did tell him that his dad misses him, and he responded that he'd try to make more of an effort.

A few nights later, he FaceTimed my husband with both of the grandchildren. We hadn't seen the oldest—who will be three this fall—in almost two years, and it was the first time my husband had seen the newest grandson, who is about four months old.

During the call, my husband gently suggested that the two of them get together to talk, maybe over a barbecue at our house. Instead of responding to that invitation to reconnect one-on-one, my stepson said he'd bring the kids—which also means bringing his wife, who has BPD.

To me, it feels like avoidance. The real issues are still sitting there, untouched.

I know I should just be grateful that he's reached out again. I know that's what many people would say. But here's why I'm struggling.

This isn't the first time. Around this same time last year, he started reconnecting with my husband, only to ghost him again a few months later for no apparent reason. Then just recently, he made awful accusations about his dad that came completely out of nowhere.

So while everyone seems hopeful, I'm finding it very difficult to trust that this won't happen all over again.

I also know his wife struggles with BPD, and I genuinely have empathy for how difficult life at home may be for him. But empathy doesn't erase the pain that has been caused.

Watching what this has done to my husband over the last two years has been heartbreaking. The sadness, the rejection, constantly wondering what he did wrong—it has taken such a toll on him.

As for me, I don't trust my stepson anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells or carefully filter every word in case his wife decides they're offended and we're cut off again. That's not a relationship to me. It feels performative and emotionally exhausting.

I've even told my husband that if they come over, I'm happy to make myself scarce. It's not because I'm trying to avoid anyone or create drama. It's because I'm not very good at pretending everything is fine when it isn't. Being fake isn't in my nature, and I'm afraid my discomfort would only make things more awkward.

Maybe that's my role as the stepmom. I'm close enough to see the damage this has done, but far enough removed that I'm looking at it differently than a biological parent might.

So I'm wondering...

Am I being too hard? Is my lack of trust unreasonable given the history? Or is it okay to protect my own emotional well-being while still supporting my husband if he chooses to rebuild a relationship with his son?  But then risk losing out on building a relationship with our grandsons?

I'd really appreciate hearing from others— How do you balance hope with protecting yourself from being hurt again?

I just talked to my kid and this came up again since there's been new developments.  My wife agreed to sell the truck to the kids.  Kelly Blue Book said that the truck in its current condition is worth $1,500 or $3,500 to a private party.  My kid offered to pay the $1,500.  My ex wife demanded $3,500.  My wife's husband said that he didn't even want to buy the truck anymore, not after three years of asking about it.

I once again offered to call my ex and ask her to give me the truck, or give the kids the truck.  My daughter said that she didn't want it that way; her mom should just give it to her since it needs about 1k in repairs to be dependable again.

Anyway, that's where I talked about all of you and said that the community consensus was to give mom her truck back and we'll go buy a different old work truck from a stranger.  I think that's what we'll do.

A funny wrinkle though, my ex hasn't paid taxes on the truck since I gave it to her almost 4 years ago.  I don't think you can legally sell a car with a tax bill so deliquent...I'm not sure.  But the thought of the state's formula for compounding interest and late fees definitely made me smile.

The ultimate of inaction is for the vehicle to be towed, and eventually auctioned off.  If that does happen, monitor the process and be in line to bid for it.

Another aspect of this decision is how you are feeling about the relationship. There's going to be grief, even without NC. The relationship you thought you had with your sister looks different now. There's grief over what you thought you had and what you wish you had. Now, there's the relationship as you see it.

Going NC also involves this grief, along with the grief for a sister. NC doesn't have to be for the long run. It can be temporary if you need it for your own emotional well being. However, NC can have an affect on the relationship.

In my situation, the idea of NC was considered . A counselor had brought up the idea to me. I just didn't want to do it-one reason as stated- my father and other family, the other, is that the relationship did matter to me. I didn't want to do this with a parent (except in extreme situations and where personal safety and emotional well being is threatened) and assumed the same for them with me.

I have no idea on what level it mattered to BPD mother.  For most of the posters here who choose NC, it's after significant consideration. For BPD mother, if she was angry, if someone didn't meet her needs, they were discarded. But also it didn't seem to be permanent for her either- due to the push-pull dynamics. But this dynamic still affects the people involved. It's hurtful.

People don't choose NC if there's a chance the relationship is workable. I would have to admit there was still some hope on my part that there could be a better relationship although I was realistic about how possible.  I also needed boundaries with BPD mother's behavior and tried to balance both.

If you are uncertain what to do, then LC, is a good middle ground. However, if you do this, I suggest you don't put yourself in the position of "go between" both sides in your family. When BPD mother's family reached out to me, one of the first things I said to them was that I didn't want to discuss my mother. This way neither of us would be put in the middle. (It was later when she was in assisted living that we did discuss her health and behavior issues- because they wanted to know how she was doing and also had contact with her. But I didn't get into drama discussions about her).

Stay aware of the Karpman triangle so you aren't getting into "us vs her" discussions. If you feel pressured to go NC by other members, remember this is your decision to make based on you and how you will manage it.

That's a viable approach in my opinion.  In my experience, when dealing with difficult people, including an uNPD, it's crucial to plan for inaction on their part.  That's why I really like the approach of, if you don't act and deal with this issue between us by a reasonable deadline, we will proceed to (remove the truck ourselves).  That way, there's a clear consequence for inaction or a nil response.  In my experience, pwNPD and BPD just love to do nothing, while kicking up a fuss, to maximize their position of power, because you want something from them.  So you really need to outline a reasonable response to the inaction / stonewalling / refusal to negotiate.  One of my go-to lines is, "Unless you act by this reasonable deadline, I will proceed to resolve the pending issue myself," or, more succinctly, "Unless I hear from you otherwise, I'm doing this next Friday."  In other words, a nil response or nil action doesn't keep you in forever-limbo.  Of course, you need written proof, possibly certified mail if the situation is extremely difficult, because pwNPD/BPD are notorious for denying that an agreement was reached in the first place.  Basically, in my experience, they won't budge until there's a dire deadline, practically a gun to their head.  Even the threat of towing might not be enough, because they think you'll pay for the tow.  Perhaps only when they are billed for impound fees will they act.  Even that might not be enough--they could just refuse to pay the bill, as the pwNPD in my life often does.

I talked to a PI.  He said they will file records requests and do a thorough background check on both of them to see what else they can find, regarding any contacts they've had with law enforcement.  I know of at least two occasions when police got involved due to fights between BPDxw and her boyfriend.  I'd also get a written report summarizing what they can collect passively (i.e. without active surveillance). 

In case your ex decides to get nasty about this, they should give a deadline for a response, and send it via email and text as well.  Keep copies of those things, and if she complains to anyone after the fact, tries to get the police involved, or file a small claims action, they can provide that in rebuttal.  Also document how long the truck has been immobile and sat at their property.

No one can argue with time-stamped emails and texts saying "You need to either remove this truck from our property, or sign over title so we can repair it, or we are having it towed in ten days."

They can sugar-coat the language a bit to keep it cordial, "Dear mom, we'd like to resolve this issue, but can't without a response from you. ..."

Personally, I don't think going NC will change the pwBPD and it should not be the reason for going NC. We can not change another person. For someone with BPD to change, they themselves need to be willing to do the work in therapy and it's their decision to do this or not.

I think the main reason for going NC is to maintain one's own emotional well being and not be subjected to abusive behavior. I think it's important to do this from our own decision, our own choice and not because we blame the other person.

I think each person has their own circumstances and so makes these decisions considering all of them. One reason you may not see a lot of NC here is possibly because of the other circumstances posters have.

In my own situation, I didn't go NC with my BPD mother because of her being connected to other people I wanted contact with. To go NC would exile me from the rest of the family connected to her, and a main one was my father, who I wanted to have contact with. I would also have to avoid all family celebrations, and other get togethers. I didn't want to do that. So my choice was to try to get along.

This in a way happened anyway. With my father's passing, her family rallied "to her side" and all of them didn't seem to care about contact with me. I could have gone NC and at the time. Prior to this, I didn't think I really had the choice, because I cared about these people connected to her.

However, by this time, BPD mother was an elderly widow, and I didn't feel this was the right thing for me to do. I didn't base the decision on whether or not she would change or her feelings at the time. It was mine.

Your situation is different. You won't be disconnected from your family- it seems they are aligned with this. As to your sister's husband- that's his choice too but it's also a good thing for your sister with the family being NC. She won't be alone. She's young, she's in good health. She can take care of herself.

For you, NC is a different choice, based on your own situation, and IMHO best made when it's your choice, not with an expectation of affect on the pwBPD.