Possibly, but there could also be another reason. The two conditions have similarities in behavior.

There is a childhood form of bipolar but not BPD. It seems that many times a young person is diagnosed with bipolar, then later it's revised?
There's medication for bipolar but not a specific one for BPD.

Sometimes it is hard to tell between the two. I think it makes sense they'd try the bipolar medicine first, as it would likely help a person with bipolar. It would be worse if the person actually had bipolar and didn't get medicine because it was diagnosed as BPD.

Unfortunately Bipolar Disorder is commonly diagnosed instead of BPD because insurance companies will pay for Bipolar Disorder treatment and not for a diagnosis of any kind of personality disorder.

Hi again,

The situation with the pwBPD in my life was similar--after discharge, she shut down and refused to do the recommended follow-up.  Since she was over 18, technically she could decide for herself.  Besides, I think she was convinced that everyone else was the problem, not her.  In some ways I empathized with her--she was probably sick of therapy and wanted to get back to a "normal" life.

But what happened afterwards?  She retreated to her bedroom.  Basically she spent four years rotting in that bedroom, while she avoided "real life:"  therapy, school, work, family life.  My strong opinion is that the reason she rotted in her bedroom for four years was that she was enabled.  She had her phone, laptop and internet connection.  And so she was entertained during those four years.  Though she was miserable, she was content enough to retreat from real life, and refused to work on herself.  She basically rotted in the juices of a victim mindset and hatred (directed outwardly and inwardly to herself).  She also became "nocturnal," sleeping all day (while avoiding the family), and eating junk at nighttime.  I know because I'd hear her in the kitchen several times at night, and she'd leave me a mess to clean up in the morning.  Anyway, that's the opposite of the "normal" life she professed to want, right?

My advice?  If your daughter isn't doing what she is supposed to be doing--therapy, going to school, helping with household chores, keeping her room tidy--she should NOT be rewarded with priviliges, especially a personal phone and internet access.  If I had a choice, my rule would be that a personal phone and data plan is an adult privilege, and to have one, she has to work to get one.  At least that way, she learns she has to work for what she wants--she could babysit, walk dogs, run errands for a neighbor, etc. to earn some money.  Or she could choose not to work and go without a phone.  Her choice entirely.  But what she's not doing is looking at entertaining screens all night, disrupting her sleep, retreating from facing her problems and refusing to live in the "real world," on top of refusing to work on herself.  I'm pretty sure that Dr. Phil would agree with me on this point, regardless of whether the problem were BPD, teenage rebellion, substance use disorder or other development issue.

I know, I know, the mom worry seeps in.  When your daughter finishes her therapy program, she supposedly wants to resume a normal life.  You cut her some slack, because she's been through so much.  You let her do what she wants, to keep her stable.  But the thing is, her thinking isn't straight.  By letting her do whatever she wants, both you and she are "indulging" in the aspects of BPD that end up being detrimental in the long term.  You give her an inch, she takes a mile.  In fact, if you give her an inch, she interprets that as you admitting GUILT for ruining her life.  She's REWARDED for dysfunction.  So in a perverse way, she seems to like living with dysfunction.  That is a very perilous state of affairs.

I've written this before, and I'll repeat it here.  Please do not enable your daughter to be NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.  If she's living under your roof (or in an apartment paid for by you), she needs to be working on herself, which is the opposite of NEETT. 

Hi Butterflybaby,

Iam so sorry that you are here.
 
I could have written exactly what you have written when my udd was 15yo. A psychiatrist first diagnosed my udd at 14yo with Bipolar with the treatment medication of Lithum (which btw udd refused to take) and then the diagnosis was changed shortly after to an "Emerging personality Disorder" with an offer of individual and Family Therapy. Udd was aware of both diagnosis's at the time as the psychiatrist and therapist both wanted to be inclusive and I expected some resistance towards treatment as the suggestion that she may have a mental illness would have been scary for her so we agreed to at least take the therapy but udd convinced the therapist during her sessions with her that I was just and over protective parent and she wrote a final letter before closing the case that udd just growing and needed to find her place in the world.

After that we had one episode of self harm when she was 16yo. Again she shutdown and refused to speak to the pyschiatrist during an outpatient appointment after discharge.

My udd is now 32yo and we are currently estranged so I dont know much about her daily life now other than that she has a partner and I have grandkids but I can tell you that up until our estrangement nothing much had changed. The day to day chaos, the anger, the selfishness, while having high expectations of others was still there.

I think a formal medical diagnosis of any kind only works if the person acknowledges it and seeks to get the treatment or put in the the work it needs to recover or at least ease the symptoms. Your udd is still very young and although she is at an impressionable age her mind is still developing and that is the reason why personality disorders are not officially diagnosed until 18 yo so take hope.

For now I think what is important is to remember that your mental health matters too. It is so easy to get burnt out both mentally and physically with the worry and trying to change the situation that we are in but it is also important to take some time out and focus a little bit on you even if it is only for 30mins a day. I used to find that do anything that required focus was too at the time as my mind was constantly racing but something like gardening  or going for a nice walk eased my mind for a while.

All of this is counter-intuitive and we all struggled with it at first.  It's completely normal to feel like you're messing up and need to do more for your kid.  But when the kid pushes back, we have to accept the reality that we can't fix anything in another person's life if they also aren't working towards the same goal.

That goes for both my kids, the BPD and the non-BPD.  I can only do so much and it depends more on them than on me.

As you distance yourself a bit, you'll start to see this from a different perspective.  A relaxed, mentally balanced JsMom can be a lot more helpful than a stressed out, worried JsMom.  You can roll with the tides much better when you have a little distance from his problems because you're thinking more clearly.  It's helpful for him as well since he's learning and growing from his mistakes. 

If you're not directly involved, then you're not a part of the problem for him anymore.  Let him see that on his own since it will allow him to grow.

Pook, CC and WMPeace, I've been reading and reading your posts. All of them speak to me and I'm letting the truth in them sink down deep.  I did not end up contacting my son, and I didn't obsess about what he might be thinking or doing to possibly harm himself. At least not for long because I realized I had no control and I was only hurting myself. Instead I focused on positive thoughts and activities. Nothing earth shattering happened by me taking my focus off my son. Or maybe I should say something did happen - I took care of myself and left my son room to take care of himself.   

OK, from where I'm sitting, what I see is that your son is trying to develop a healthy work-out regime.  Maybe he needs a little external validation from others (likes, positive comments) to keep his motivation going.  But all I see is good here.  He's getting exercise.  He's trying to do it consistently.  In my opinion, exercise is the closest thing to a miracle drug that exists.  It helps him build strength and stamina.  It temporarily gets his mind off his troubles.  It will probably help him sleep better.  As he tones his muscles, he'll probably feel more self-confident.  That's all great stuff.

As for the songs lyrics, my humble opinion is that it's possible you might be reading too much into them.  Maybe the beat of the song pumps him up.  Maybe he likes the artist.  Maybe the lyrics resonate with him, but not in the way you're thinking.  Unless the song becomes an obsessive mantra for him, I'd try to resist getting upset about it.  Look, I like Madonna's Like a Prayer song, but it's a double entendre, probably not fit for family radio.  Even so, the song is catchy and energetic, and I like it for that, not for the thinly veiled hidden meaning.

Like you, I've looked at my pwBPD's online information from time to time, only to get the vaguest idea of what she's up to.  There have been some posts that were concerning to me, such as practically nude and suggestive photos.  But sometimes I think that young people have completely different standards about what is appropriate or not on social media.  Even so, I wasn't that worried, and there was very little I could do about it, anyway.  My guess:  the pwBPD in my life tried to make a living by posting suggestive photos online.  She also wanted to be "discovered" as a top model.  What happened?  Nothing.  I know she didn't make any meaningful money as tips on OnlyFans (or similar) because she didn't get a 1099 mailed to her.  I know that she wasn't discovered as a super model.  Actually I think she had to learn the "hard" way--instead of listening to well-meaning advice of elders, she had to try posting questionable material online and experience the consequences herself.  Was her judgment compromised?  Maybe.  Was she upset about the outcome?  Probably.  Would she have learned any other way?  Probably not.

Just my two cents.  Hang in there.

Hi Butterfly,

You've come to the right place.  Many people come here looking for answers and advice, while others seek an outlet for their thoughts and feelings, because living with BPD can be challenging.

When I found out the diagnosis for the pwBPD in my life, I searched the internet to learn more, because I had never heard of BPD.  The first thing I read is that it's treatable.  That was a huge relief to me.  A challenge though is that there's no magic pill, though medications can help with anxiety, depression or other co-existing conditions, which seem to be common.  Medications might help stabilize your daughter, but they don't deal with the underlying issues of overwhelmig emotions, negative thinking, volatile relationships and unstable sense of self.  That's where therapy can really help, provided that your daughter does the work of therapy.  Therein lies the rub:  therapy won't help much unless your daughter actually does the work.

I highlighted an interesting comment from you, which is the observation that the changes in your daughter seemed to happen overnight.  While that could happen, especially if there were a traumatic event or major disappointment in her life (e.g. a first break-up), my sense is that many parents here have observed that their kids have always been wired to be extra-sensitive and potentially "difficult."  Nevertheless, I think that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between what constitutes "normal" teenage behaviors from BPD.  After all, most teens experience super-sized emotions and changing feelings about their identity at some point--I think that sort of thing is part of growing up.  It's perhaps for that reason many doctors won't diagnose BPD until adulthood.  Having said that, I personally wouldn't consider recurrent cutting or suicide attempts as "normal" teenage behavior.  My guess is that your daughter has been a danger to herself or others, in order to land in a residential treatment facility.  That's how the pwBPD in my life ended up, multiple times.  Fortunately for her, she decided to take therapy seriously, and she turned her life around pretty quickly.  Though she still struggles, particularly with interpersonal relationships, her life looks much, much better today than it once did.

Though I imagine you've been through so much and have probably cried your eyes out, I think you have some reasons for hope.  First off, BPD is treatable--therapies like DBT and CBT can help your daughter learn how to handle her big emotions better.  Second, your daughter is very young--she can learn these skills before her negative thinking patterns and emotional reactivity become too ingrained.  She'll be getting some extra support in learning better coping skills and increasing her mental toughness!  I think there should be no shame in that, just as there should be no shame when people seek support to learn better eating habits or get physical therapy.  Third, she has your support.  I believe that the support of a loving parent (such as one who seeks advice here) is invaluable--in fact I think you are your daughter's greatest ally in the treatment journey, even if she says she hates your guts and blames you for everything.  Trust me, that's not her talking, that's BPD.

My advice?  You need to focus on self-care first and foremost.  I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but you are no good to your daughter if you are a basket case with stress and worry.  Right now your daughter needs Calm, Happy, Rational mom, not a stressed-out mess of worry, guilt and exhaustion who can barely function.  Here we call that living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds our judgment.  You need to focus on self-care so that you can think straight and not get sucked into your daugher's seemingly unending drama.

My other advice?  Think in terms of baby steps.  Changing how someone thinks and behaves typically doesn't happen overnight.  If your daughter's life looks really dysfunctional right now, my advice would be to look for progress in baby steps.  For the pwBPD in my life, the first baby step was probably getting up in the morning and going to bed at a reasonable hour.

All the best to you.

From reading your posts, perhaps this feeback will help with this situation.

I think there's an assumption that her being cautious is somehow due to her having BPD. However, she may have her own feelings about what happened between the two of you, and is cautiously assessing how contact goes with you, while keeping a physical distance.

I think her boundaries are clear. She feels it's too soon to meet up. She isn't taking the lead in moving the relationship forward. Maybe she is genuinely uncertain. PwBPD can still make their own decisions. Some we may not agree with or think are wise but they can make choices.

You want what you want and there's nothing wrong with that, but she too can choose what she wants, and it seems she is taking things slowly. One idea is that you can believe her when she says she wants to take it slow and meeting is too soon.  Maintain contact and show interest in her but at the level she's requested. You can tell her you want to meet up in person- when she's ready and then let her decide.

Going slower also gives you time to assess if the situation is to your choosing as well. Staying calm, avoiding drama, will allow this to progress as it's going to in whatever direction it will be, and will avoid hurtful feelings along the way.

We can share information on how to tone down the drama, validate, and make room for improvement, but we can't control someone's free will. She can only meet you emotionally where she's at and when she's ready. Allowing her this pace may work better.

The pain of our loved one’s reality hurts me too. I know the pain of a parent must be that much more so. I don’t really have an answer to that except telling myself that pain is part of life. Wish I had more to offer.