Thanks for understanding.  The thing about her current therapist saying I wasn't very mothering or empathetic really bothers me.  A friend said that that probably wasn't exactly what the therapist said; it was what my daughter heard.  Early on, she was in treatment and one of the therapists did say in front of her, that if we weren't more validating, she wouldn't get better and it was our fault.  She used that as a stick to beat us up for years. 

Why do these people never learn.
Last week she wrote our sons car off.

I had paid half of the cost of that car and hundreds, if not thousands, in maintenance costs all the time my son had it. She didn’t even tell him what she had done, I saw it parked up with half the front missing and the rest of it smashed in. He got hold of her and she said she hit a pothole and it bounced her off the road into a post. The following day he told me a car came round a bend and forced her off the road, so her story changed in 24hrs. She asked our other son for a lift to work the following morning, but didn’t tell him why she needed a lift either.
If it wasn’t her fault I don’t understand the secrecy, and not telling the person who actually owns the car she smashed up.

The day after we split up, her car wouldn’t start so she rang me ranting at me about it. Couple months later it failed it’s MOT on rot, and has sat at the garage for the last 2 and a half years waiting to be welded. It’s a high powered fast car and the garage owner knows she is a liability and is probably reluctant to put it back on the road for her.
So she borrowed our youngest sons car, smashed his wheels to bits and blew the tyres out so it was unusable.
Her bf then buys her a flash and expensive looking Range Rover. In reality, it was a cheap, high mileage piece of sh… that I told her would fail. A year later it failed, to the point of being written off.
She then gets a loan car through the insurance, and someone smashes the back window out of it within a week, carries on driving it about for another 3 weeks with the back window smashed out of it.
Then uses our eldest sons car and writes that off as explained above.

I’ve mentioned some of the reasons why she ran off with the guy she has run off with (drugs) but half, a lot, of the reason why was her massive debt and her thinking he had plenty of money. She even told our kids he can support her better than I can, he ‘sold’ his half of a small building company to his business partner and apparently had loads of money.

A friend of mine knows his business partner, so I know the reality of the situation. The building company was dissolved, and had a large sum of money, couple hundred k, in the account and the two of them were drawing a monthly wage until the money ran out. His business partner set up a new company and carried on while the ex’s bf sat on his arse doing nothing until very recently started going back out to do some work. His former employees were asked by his business partner to keep an eye on him while the business was still in operation, because he would turn up in the morning and then just disappear down the pub and taking cocaine.

All I can see is chaos, and someone trying to give the impression of wealth (the Range Rover) while in reality she has spent half the time running around in vehicles I’ve paid half for just to keep her on the road. She also appears to be ignoring her declining health, has skin cancer that according to our son is spreading all over her head neck and shoulders, probably due to the drug use and avoiding the situation.

This does indeed like a nasty, manipulative, deliberate ploy to hurt you. No one can say for sure why he wrote this 'journal' and left it there, but genuine journal entries are typically written over time, whether regularly or sporadically, and show some fluctuation in mood, approach and subject, since our state of mind fluctuates over time - doubly so for an emotionally unstable person. It might be that he uses this journal specifically as an outlet for negative feelings about the relationship, but if that is the case, it is certainly not a fair or true picture of the last 12 years.

If you have a peace bond in effect, then you ought to report this.  The terms of that bond are meant to ensure peace.  There's no way to interpret this but as a threat, intimidation or how imbalanced he is.  The reason to report such comments or actions is that: the sooner you report then the more likely it is to be considered legally actionable.

To illustrate:  If I called emergency services and said "my ex almost burned down my house last month" it's possible the person answering would respond, "call back promptly when it happens again since it's not an emergency now".  Timing is of the essence.  Report and provide what specific documentation you have... date, time, locations, witnesses, recordings, emails or texts,  etc.

I went through a separation, divorce and subsequent parenting orders a couple decades ago.  I learned a few things.  An important one was that adult relationships have little impact on parenting orders.  The courts generally don't involve themselves in infidelity claims and similar back and forth.

Just because he's been triggered by what others have said or insinuated is not basis to reject or rewrite a parenting agreement.  The problem becomes more complicated because the other is so vehement about the matter.

How ironclad is the separation agreement?  Has it been filed with the court?  Has the judge or magistrate approved it?  Those aspects are important.

Yes, your ex could bring it back to court but usually judges don't want to revisit a court-approved settlement until there has been enough time - a year or two - to determine whether the agreement can work, and if not then why not.  Even then your ex would need to provide documentation, generally that you're neglectful or an endangerment to your children.  Sorry, hearsay and unsubstantiated allegations aren't enough... not even an ex's mere upset.

So I swing back to the biggest matter - how far has that settlement gotten in court?  If it is approved by the court then he may have difficulty getting it modified anytime soon.  (Of course don't share that possibility with your ex.  One important lesson we all learn in these scenarios is that we only share necessary parenting details with the ex, nothing else unless approved by our lawyer.  With such high conflict separations we have to be very careful what we share since we don't want to enable the ex to sabotage us.)

That said... are you recording any of his rants, whether pressuring or threats?  Him threatening to burn down your house, if it was recorded or documented by witnesses, might be legally actionable.  (Your lawyer could provide legal advice for you.)  My ex posed as a victim and I knew she could initially play on the system's procedures.  So as I saw our marriage imploding, I chose to quietly record her rants and rages since I felt I needed to document that it wasn't me making threats or playing the aggressive victim.  If I happened to record what was said and shouted around me, well, not my fault.

I posted here awhile ago looking for advice and I took it. Things were so toxic. The problem now is he wants to find any reason other than him to be the reason we broke up. My new boyfriends ex girlfriend and my Ex hung out today ( weird ) and she shared with him a bunch of garbage about me cheating - no proof no nothing just a bunch of hearsay and honestly just gossip. He told me he didn’t want to drop our daughter off to me because he wants to burn my house down. He told me he wanted to amend the separation agreement and I’d sign it or he would take my child from me. ( he currently lives with his parents- and only gets her for 3 overnights in the span of two weeks - at his decision) he sees her every day because they pick her up and bring her to school as well. He assaulted me last July and blamed that on me and told me I was making things up and that he never choked me. He still is under a peace bond until next month and I’m so anxious to even call and report this because I’m scared of the retaliation that will come from it. He’s calmed down and dropped our daughter off tonight and said he just wanted one weekend every two weeks. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to escape from this abuse I need help. I’m at a loss. Please help

Sounds less like he left out a journal than that he wrote a mean note to hurt you.  That's really all it was. 

Thank you friends.

And one more:

7. The person you thought they were would have protected you from the person they actually are.

As time passes, I think many of us progress from wanting or missing the relationship to wanting the sense of hollowness, confusion and even terror to recede. This bit of advice has helped me deal with the cognitive dissonance that is at the root of the confusion and fear.

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.  From the sound of things, you've been dealing with your daughter's BPD for an extended time.  If you've come here in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you're in good company.

By now you're probably used to your daughter's routine of lashing out at you, blaming you for all her troubles and dredging up negative memories from childhood, over and over again, no matter how much you've tried to explain or apologize.  That's all classic BPD.  Nevertheless, I see some positive things here:  your daughter is smart, she managed to graduate, she's held a job and functioned independently for quite some time, probably thanks to all the support you've provided her over the years.  What I see is that the resurgence of acting out, blaming and threatening to cut you off comes down to your daughter's stress levels right now.  She's having to face reality:  she quit her job without having another one lined up.  She's been unemployed for several months.  And now she's forced to look for a job.  The prospect of doing that has her stressed out, cash-strapped and worried about the future.  Instead of accepting reality, looking forward, focusing on her job search and sticking to a budget, what does she do?  She focuses on the past and lashes out at you.  She doesn't want to take responsibility for her current predicament and tries to blame you instead.  My observation is that the more a pwBPD is worried about the future, the farther back in the archive of negative childhood experiences she looks!  In my opinion, this is an AVOIDANCE tactic.  The thought of dealing with real life is just too stressful, and so the pwBPD takes "refuge" in the tiresome routine of lashing out at parents, in the hopes that parents feel so guilty and scared for their adult child that they pull out the checkbook or otherwise rescue the kid--with free housing, logistical support, administrative support, cash, whatever.  The parent might think, with this last bit of support, the pwBPD might stabilize and actually appreciate it.  Maybe that's true.  But if the "rescue" enables your BPD daughter to give up on herself and her life, while blaming you for her predicament, then probably not.  There's a fine line between support and enablement which parents here often have trouble establishing.

It seems to me that though your daughter has made major strides, she hasn't really grown up yet and accepted responsibility for her life.  What I see is someone who has unrealistic expectations of her parents (and probably all the people around her).  She probably expects you to pay for her travel; she resents the fact that YOU seem able to travel abroad and will throw that in your face.  She treats your home like a free hotel, but if you ask her to make "reservations," she balks.  And yes, I'm very accustomed to the pwBPD's apparent inability to commit to anything.  The reality is, she has NO IDEA what she'll be doing in October or December; she just wants you to be available, no matter the inconvenience to you.  After all, she only thinks about her needs; the second you mention YOUR needs, it seems unfair to her, and she'll accuse you of being selfish (how ironic!).  Does that sound about right?  I think that's classic BPD:  entitlement, projecting and blaming, as well as giving outlet to pent-up frustrations, vindictiveness and cluelessness.

I guess I'm saying that if you understand where all this vitriol is coming from, you might not take things as personally, hard though that might be in practice.  But what I see is that you are probably doing GREAT.  Your daughter has managed to carve out an independent life for herself, even if she struggles immensely.  You're still in her life, even if it's to act as a pincushion.  I'd say, you need to keep your boundaries strong.  If you daughter lashes out, I'd recommend giving her an "adult time out," as in time and space to calm down.  You can make up an anodyne excuse ("I need to use the bathroom; Gotta run now"). 

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hate the fact that you are using the word "failure."  This condition is so hard for loved ones to comprehend.  I remember when I was in a NAMI group for family of people wbpd.  There was one amazing woman whose husband blamed her for his suicide attempt and then left her (during the course of our group sessions).  She was kind and smart and trying so hard to handle the situation and be there for him.  I couldn't believe that he could be so self-involved and cruel.  You didn't fail in any way.  You were just human in an impossible situation.

Parents never get over the loss of a child even if the child is still alive. Allow yourself to grieve not being able to have a loving respectful relationship with your adult daughter.