Hi there,

I hope you're in one piece.  Look, what your husband did was out of line.  But what I see is that in all liklihood you are BOTH hurting, you are BOTH in distress because your daughter is acting out.  Maybe your husband wants you to take the blame, just so he can get his old daughter back.  Maybe he thinks you're coming between him and her, and he's starting to blame you.  Maybe he thinks your boundaries are stupid, and that you shouldn't feel hurt by your daughter in the first place.  Maybe he thinks you're just adding to the mess by talking about your own despair, and he just can't take it.  Or maybe he's just confused, and anger is his default response.

I can relate because my husband and I don't always see eye-to-eye on how to deal with his BPD daughter / my stepdaughter's negative behaviors.  Having different opinions can lead to more stress, on top of the horrendous distress the BPD daughter causes.

Sometimes it helps if I ask the question, Was my husband's response a "trauma" response?  Is he acting out of love?  Fear?  Confusion?  Distress?  All of the foregoing?  Or is he being mean?  Threatening?  Controlling?  Domineering? Usually those sort of questions help me see the reaction for what it is.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place, even if it's not a meeting in person.  Many parents here can relate to your posts.  This may sound strange, but I see some good things here.  First off, your daughter is young, and she has a diagnosis.  It seems like she's aware she has issues, and she's young enough to get some help before BPD derails her entire life.  Secondly, she has her mom and you.  Obviously you care very much, and you are still in regular contact with her.  At the end of the day, if you remain the calm and rational ones, you will be her biggest allies in the treatment journey.  And thirdly, through your daughter's projections of discontent, hatred and blame, I see some glimmers that she's TRYING.  Now I know she feels hopeless sometimes, but she confesses she's trying to "get her act together."  It's just that, without therapy, her volatile emotions get in the way and she feels like she's failing.  She'd rather blame YOU than face that fact, because it's utterly painful to her, and her thinking is too negative and distorted because of BPD.  A worse scenario would be if your daughter fully embraced a victim mindset and was determined to blame everyone else for all her problems--believing THEY are the ones who have to change, not her.

My apologies to the other active readers on these boards, but I'm going to copy an older entry of mine, in which I try to explain what I think is happening in the mind of a young adult with BPD:

I bet your daughter is blaming you for a terrible childhood, for ruining her life and for not doing enough for her.  She might start out sounding like she's not delusional, but as she gets riled up, I bet she turns mean, calling you a terrible parent and accusing you of all sorts of transgressions, most which are highly distorted or patently false.  Is she stuck in the past, dredging up the same old complaints, over and over again?  No matter how much you apologize, or you try to put things in perspective, it's never enough, is it?  In fact, once you start validating her, in an attempt to get her to calm down, she takes that as an invitation to try to get you to validate things that aren't even true, right?  Once she's riled up, she seems to spin out of control, and all logic gets thrown out the window.  She doesn't know how to calm herself down.

I have a few theories about this behavior, and they might clash with some of the classic recommendations on these boards (e.g. validate the feelings, not the facts).  First is that your daughter is blame-shifting.  She's not really mad at you for what she's accusing you of, even if that is what she THINKS she's mad about.  I bet what's really bugging her is fear about the future.  She knows she's an adult in age, but she still feels like a dependent adolescent, and it's killing her.  She doesn't really know who she is (she lacks a stable identity), and she doesn't have stable relationships (friends, co-workers, family, romantic partner).  Without the high school routine that was forced upon her, she feels rudderless.  Is she having trouble in college, and does she have a hard time finding (or keeping) a job?  Has she lost her friends?  She is discovering that she's not functioning well as an adult, and that makes her SCARED as well as inferior.  "Everyone else" seems to have an easy time making friends, finishing college and/or working, whereas she completely falls apart.  This induces in her a deep SHAME.  Rather than take setbacks in stride (failing a class isn't so bad, having a fight with a roommate can happen, but apologizing goes a long way; everyone has to start at the bottom in the work world, getting fired isn't the end of the world, there are a million other jobs out there), and rather than take some responsibility (I'll never make any money or friends if I stay lying in my childhood bedroom all day), she regresses in AVOIDANCE.  What does she do?  She dredges up ancient history from childhood and blames her dysfunction on that--terrible/unsupportive/abusive family members, they are the ones who make her dysfunctional.  This thought pattern makes her MAD, because she doesn't have what she wants today.  When she sees you, she sees an opportunity to lash out and unleash all this anger and frustration onto you.  If you're up for listening to her, you become her punching bag.  This is all just to avoid acting like an adult and taking responsibility for her life and her decisions.  That is simply too scary.  She RESENTS you because she still NEEDS you desperately, and it's killing her inside.

On top of that, generally speaking, her expectations are totally unreasonable and unrealistic.  I think this is rooted in adolescent or childish thinking patters.  She's impatient.  She's demanding.  She still expects adults to over-function for her.  She still expects to be the center of attention at all times.  She expects too much devotion from friends.  She wants to make decisions, but if something goes wrong, she expects you to face the consequences and "rescue" her, because you "owe" her.  Now, when she was a kid, this was normal.  But now that she's an adult, she's having trouble adjusting her expectations, and at the same time, her childish expectations simply aren't being met.  She still probably expects that you continue to pay most or all of her living expenses.  She's resistant to doing adult administrative tasks, and she's frightened because she doesn't necessarily have the know-how, either.  She's afraid to ask for help, say from a friend or an employer, because she'd be "exposed" for her lack of knowledge, for the fraud she feels she is.  She wasn't really prepared to do autonomous, self-guided study in college, or to figure out how to apply for jobs, or even how to accept coaching from a supervisor.  Any "criticism" would be taken personally, and she'd completely fall apart.  I bet she hasn't really embraced the notion that she's responsible for herself now, because she's probably blaming you, full-time.  Let me guess, your daughter says she suffers from anxiety?  My bet is that's because she feels incompetent, inferior and scared.  She's so afraid of a failing and a little stress that she gives up before she even tries, and to cope, she's lashing out at you.  Does this sound familiar?  If it does, it's because I've lived though it, all of it.

If any of that rings some bells, it's because it's classic BPD.  You did not cause it, and unfortunately you cannot cure it.  Believe me, I've wanted to be a fairy godmother, wave a magic wand and have all the negativity, pain, frustration and anger instantly disappear.  Unfortunately, BPD doesn't work that way.  Your daughter has to be the one do get therapy, believe in it and work hard at it.  In the meantime, you're doing great, educating yourself and learning more, because dealing with BPD can seem perplexing and counterintuitive sometimes.  All my best to you.

jsfriend, just like you didn't know what a TLA is...

TLA = Three-letter-acronym.

Using acronyms that exclude anyone else knowing what the other person is talking about is difficult to follow.

Thank you for the clarification for the TLAs.

Hi again Samss,

Im not sure what a TLA is but these are the abbreviations I have used with no particular reason other than I just find it just quicker when doing a longish post.

dx diagnosed
dd diagnosed daughter
udd undiagnosed daughter

Thank you everyone for your support.  I really need it.

Hi, pook and jsfriend,

Thank you to you both. I very much appreciate the insights and the advice. I do have lots of questions, the first is why does everyone use so many TLAs here? is there something wrong with spelling out daughter or daughter-in-law or anything else that seems pertinent?

Is there a dictionary that explains all these unnecessary shortform acronyms? I am finding all of this hard enough to grasp without also learning a new language just to communicate. If there is a dictionary that defines terms such as:

* dx
* udd (i'm guessing 32 stands for age or something, but don't want to assume)
* any other TLAs that many are using or where to look them up

Thank you both for responding  and for the advice. I'm really trying to do as much self-education as I can and am finding it all a lot to take in.

That's a lot of progress in just a short period of time- how are you feeling with all of this?  Are you finding any time for yourself to process things?  I would be very frustrated in that position.

Hi Samss,

First of all, let me share a few resources for NY support groups- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/ny/new-york?category=borderline-personality
https://emotionsmatterbpd.org/

I'm so sorry that you're in this position and many of us have felt exactly the same way.  I can remember the long, drawn-out battles with my BPD daughter that appeared out of nowhere and went 0-100 in mere seconds.  It still baffles me, to be honest.

You mentioned "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and that's a great first book to read.  It helped me a lot and made me realize that so much of what happens with BPDs is in the moment as they're facing personal crisis. 

A lot of the time, the words are true for that moment and fueled by unstable feelings and emotions.  It's so easy to defend or argue, but this can often be counter-productive because the BPD doesn't remember what they said 30 seconds later.  They're just exploding with emotion and words come out that feel right in that moment.

So please don't take this personally, it's not a "you-thing" as much as it is mental illness at its worst.  Your kid hurts deeply and erupts, often saying "unforgivable" things that you must not hold onto.  It's painful, it's unfair, but unfortunately it is your daughter's reality when she's unstable.

Here's a place to start.  The next time your child lashes out while unstable, pay less attention to the words and more emphasis on the emotions behind them.  If they're upset, focus on what it's like to feel upset and try calming them down. 

We validate the valid...which is their feelings in those unstable moments.  However, we don't fight the invalid...which are the accusations and/or demands that accompany those feelings.

Does that make sense at all?

Hi samss,

Sorry this first time reading your post. What stood out for me from your original post is that your dd actually told you that she has a dx of BPD. To me that is huge!!!!.
 
My udd32 is undx and the mere mention that she has a personality disorder would send her into rage mode. Once when she was a teenager and I began to put 2 and 2 together she saw that I had left  the book "stop walking on Eggshells" on a side table as I had been reading it. I had other children at home at the time so it could have been general reading and not about her(it was btw) and she totally lost it, shouting, accusing, cursing etc, so I think that your dd actually telling you about her dx is actually a big step. How you can actually encourage her to get the help that she needs I dont know.
You say that she already has a therapist, she can recover if she is serious about putting the work in, but only if she has a good therapist who is  versed in challenging BPD behaviour or is her therapist just someone that she can have a moan to about all the people who have been a problem to her in her life???

When it comes to your dd telling you that you owe her for her childhood my udd has said exactly the same to her father who was out of her life for a few years. She actually added up how much money believed that she had missed out on while he was away and said that he owed her that amount. She told him and was totally serious about it. I honestly think it was just another thing to hold against him and it wasnt something that he could never really make up for even though he tried. 

I know that it doesnt make sense to us as we would rather love than money but I think that being seen as having money eases their pain. My udd loves driving nice cars, designer clothes, hair and nails done reguarly and is always spending on stuff she doesnt need, buys the kids way too many toys but finds it hard to show affection.

I think for now that you need to concentrate on your mental health and keep your boundaries in place. No way do you need to accept a tirade of abuse because she is your dd and in emotional pain and dysregulation. Its ok to to take a break and tell your dd that you will speak with her when she is being respectful.