It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. The other is that- your husband, is her father, and he will naturally have the instinct to protect and care for her, and so holding the line between caring and enabling will likely be a challenge for him.

You have done a lot of work on this situation and have a clearer vision. While you do care for your SD, you may not have the same family dynamics or tendencies as her immediate family members do. So you may see some of the pittfals before your H and others do.

I also, having experienced the limitations my own mother had with BPD, feel there's a balance somewhere between what they are capable of doing and our expectations. My own wish is that pwBPD could have access to supported job training but we are not at the point where this is recognized as a need.

So while your SD's job may not be ideal- or considered a major achievement for someone her age who doesn't have BPD- a lower stress job may be a better fit for her, and seeing that she's overwhelmed when starting is confirmation that this may be all she can handle for now, and hopefully it is.

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.

The other day I was thinking about posting an update that would have been a bit of a rant. My adult BPD stepdaughter was basically kicked out of my home around a year ago because she wasn’t working on herself while living with us for free. Since she left my home, she has been mostly estranged from her dad and me, though she had temporarily broken the estrangement when she needed help, such as help with her car, moving and money. But as soon as she got what she wanted, we were re-shunned. Yet we have kept tabs on her through her therapist.

Anyway, I’ve generally thought that getting kicked out was what was best for everyone.  I think my stepdaughter has been doing OK since then, as she got a temporary job (finally) and has been supporting herself, sort of, with less financial assistance.

However, a while back I got upset with her for breaking my trust. She was being sneaky and disrespectful behind my back, and she got upset only because she was caught. I won’t get into specifics, but I’m sad that she’s still pulling stunts like a young teenager, which feels like a step backwards.

But now getting to the current situation. My stepdaughter recently started a new job, the first « career » job and full-time situation ever. Though I personally don’t love the set-up (eg work from home, no benefits, no real company infrastructure), I know she was enthusiastic about it, and honestly that’s a miracle. From the job description I found online, it doesn’t appear to be a very demanding job—in line with receptionist plus routine office duties. I think it’s a good starter role for her actually. And yet, she is completely overwhelmed, so much that she has broken her estrangement from various family members. She has been calling a relative almost daily to vent about the stress with her new job and living situation, and to ask for money. Fortunately, the family member has been extremely supportive and calmed her down, encouraging her to focus, stay on task and not quit. But the relative is concerned that my stepdaughter seems so unhinged and unable to handle any stress.

I guess the good news ids that my stepdaughter finally reached out to her dad to talk about her job stress. They hadn’t spoken in months. And the conversation stayed in the present—she didn’t dredge up past grievances or lash out in hatred. She seemed to listen to her dad’s advice about dealing with new job jitters. Maybe if she can just take things day by day, she’ll be able to hang on and realize she can do it. Fingers crossed.

My home was extremely dysfunctional at times as well with two mentally ill people living in it (ex-wife, daughter).  And I've often found myself in the exact same position- do I call?  Do I stay away?  Here's the answer I landed on:

1)  What's best for me?  I know what it will be like if I reach out and I know that it will have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with someone else.  It's always about them because they're mentally ill.  I get that.  But I also accept that if it's going to be a problem for me to have that contact, then I should choose to cut it off quickly.  Why?  Because making me upset does absolutely nothing for anyone- it just ruins two lives instead of just one.

2)  What can I accomplish by reaching out?  If my daughter is suicidal or in real trouble, then I reach out immediately.  I don't have to think about that.  But if it's just to call for small talk and listen to her bad-mouth ten other people for the next few hours, then that's not something I need.  I turn those into 5 minute conversations with an excuse on why I have to run. 

I've learned that I can't have a "normal" relationship with my mentally ill daughter, not like my other kid at least who I talk to for 3-5 hours a week on average.  The normal with my sick daughter is a relationship at arm's length; I still show up and I still care, but I do not want to be in her inner circle or be seen as a bestie.  It's just too toxic.  So I stay at a distance, engage when it's appropriate, and stay away the rest of the time.

I hope that helps!

One last thought:  pwBPD tend to have a fragile and changing sense of identity. They can also hold delusional beliefs. I’ve seen this with the pwBPD in my life, when she seems to « try on » different identities that are not really based on reality.  She’ll say she’s a model, but hasn’t earned a cent modeling. She’ll say she’s an artist, but doesn’t have a portfolio. She’ll say on her resume and socials that she’s moving to New York, but after five years she’s not any closer to doing that.

Then there’s the opposite side of the delusional thinking, the dark side. She claims a long history of being abused. She’s « homeless ». Her entire family is evil. She’ll make some thinly veiled threats.

To pwBPD, feelings feel like facts. And so you need to take everything with a grain of salt. Typically, the feelings behind the stories have some validity, whereas the fact patterns can be distorted, sometimes wildly so.

I know nothing about your BF other than what is posted here but the fake identity and money that comes from an unknown source is giving me "catfish" vibes.

Also, the NDA- did he actually produce one, or come up with the 20K? That sounds like it could be BS. "I am a mysterious wealthy man and will do things you can not speak about". Unless he's a Hollywood celebrity who doesn't want his business in the tabloids, this sounds like either BS or if legit- a scary situation as you don't know what he'd do that you can't talk about to anyone. And you'd know it if he was a celebrity. He's not one.

At this point, it's up to you to decide if you want to continue being with someone you can not trust, but these are concerning issues.

He's ruining your present; don't let him ruin your future too. Easy to say I know but he's one bad apple out of millions of healthy, normal ones.

There is so much more than BPD going on with him, he's a total Walter Mitty in his own 'I am elite' world. I know this is the 'bettering a reationship' thread but what possible advice can be given faced with someone like him??  At least BPD's can have some periods of near-normality which makes it worth persevering.

Only way I can see to 'better' this relationship is to end it. You must put your own needs first.

Hi Momma,

I'm so sorry the situation with your daughter continues to get worse.  That you kicked your daughter out of your home indicates to me she really is teetering on the edge.  But I commend you for protecting yourself and your family from your daughter's chaos.  That must have been really hard for you.  At the same time, you had to do it, not only to protect you, but also to protect the rest of your family.  Had you allowed your daughter to continue to live with you while she was being abusive is actually worse for her in the long run in my opinion, because you'd be teaching her that abuse is OK.  In addition, you'd be enabling dysfunction, all the while your daughter would continue to blame you for all her problems.  Only when she leaves your home and she's on her own does she have a chance to realize that YOU aren't creating a mess of her life, she is.  But while she's living with you in chaos, she'll continue to blame you.  I hope you trust me on this.

One thing I notice in your post is projection.  My guess is that your daughter is probably consumed with thoughts of self-hatred, and she has extremely low self esteem.  One aspect of BPD is perceiving the world in extreme, all black or all white terms (though overwhelmingly black), even when it comes to self-perception.  I think that everything she said about you is likely code for what she thinks about herself.  That she's basically telling you to grow up and stop acting pathetic really means she thinks she thinks she's childish, and it's killing her inside.  She's so consumed with these thoughts that they emerge as projections when she screams at you.  I know this because my adult BPD stepdaugher says the exact same sort of thing.

Doing some more mind reading here, what I see is that your daughter feels like she has no control over her life, and in response she's acting out and trying to control YOU (e.g. Sit down, Shut up, etc.).  Does that sound about right?  Once you understand projection, I think it's easier to understand what's going on with your daughter, as well as not to take her insults so personally.  Even so, it still hurts tremendously to see her so unhinged.

Alas, your daughter's maladjusted way of coping with her stress and disappointments is to lash out at you, because you're probably the only person left in the world who will listen to her.  I think your daughter's rages are an outlet for her pent-up anger, frustration and shame.  By the same token, she's trying to make you feel the extent of her own anguish, by punishing you, as if that will make her feel better.  As you know, it doesn't work.

My opinion is that at the root of all this is a victim mindset.  She perceives life as an endless series of traumas caused by other people, while she refuses to take any responsibility for her own choices and actions.  She expects others to change, not her, which, by the way, is why therapy probably won't work when she's thinking this way.  She also expects too much of others--to provide for her, to take care of her, to make her the center of attention, as if she's still a little girl--leading her to be constantly disappointed.  Though she probably often declares, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want," she hasn't internalized yet that she IS responsible for herself now, and if she wants something, she has to make it happen herself.  Instead, she's discovering she isn't functioning well as an adult, and so she'll blame YOU, for a terrible childhood, for kicking her out, for not giving her money, for ruining her life, etc.  Basically she's acting like a tween or toddler:  being demanding, impatient, irresponsible, getting easily frustrated and throwing tantrums.  But technically she's an adult and can drive, use credit cards, have dangerous sex and get herself into big trouble.

How to handle all this?  I'd invite you to look at the boards for some ideas.  Maybe if I have some time later I'll give you some thoughts.

All the best to you.

This is, to a large extent, sheer projection of her own life.   While it does not make sense to relatively normal people like us, in her mind and her perceptions its okay that she retaliates with such vitriol and vehemence.

I am concerned that her claims may trigger investigations into the parenting of your other children.  Not that there is basis, but the various agencies involved probably have policies to investigate even unsubstantiated allegations.  Be aware.  Beware of even your own daughter.  This is beyond just discord and rebellion.  She has driven the conflict to a higher level by involving the police and perhaps social services in the future.


Honestly, looking back, why were you expecting a rational response?  Of course, you are not her enemy, but she has cast you as that in her own mind.

If you are paying anything else besides phones, such as internet, rent, car insurance, food, etc then be prepared you may need to end all financial aid to her since it may be enabling her to sabotage you.

Realistically, you may need to sever contact with her, for your own protection and your other children's protection.  You may decide to record any future contact so that you have proof (1) you didn't do anything wrong and (2) you weren't the aggressive one.

I had to kick my daughter out about a month ago for behaviors that are putting me and my other kids in danger. She will be 19 in December. We have put her in to treatment centers, hospitals, substance abuse groups, until she turned 18. Her behaviors continue to escalate: Using multiple substances, making very risky sexual choices, and being extremely verbally abusive to me. Yesterday, four police officers showed up at my house. My daughter had called them to do a welfare check telling them that I was drinking, doing drugs, experiencing mania, and threatening suicide. NONE of this is true and the cops seem unconcerned. When I confronted her about it she screamed in to her phone: "sit down and shut the F#$* up. Buckle your seatbelt, put on your big girl pants and stop acting like a pathetic teenage girl" With a lot of other horrible words and name calling thrown in for good measure. I do NOT understand, no  matter how much I read, and boundaries I try to set, she is bound and determined to punish me. I did disconnect her cell service, but beyond cutting her completley out for a while, I do not know what to do! Any advice?

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and especially for you having to deal with the repercussions of your disordered sister's behavior.  Surely this has been going on for years, and probably for most of your life.  It's understandable that this situation causes distress, not just to you but to your entire family.

I think that if you are feeling stressed out, you deserve a break.  It doesn't have to be forever, just for now.  If talking to your sister opens old wounds, I think it's OK to take a break.  You don't have to announce this to anyone; just steer clear of her.  If it upsets you when your mom talks about your sister, then you could say, "Mom, I love you, but talking about sis stresses me out too much, let's talk about something else."  By my thinking, this would represent you taking care of yourself, by reducing your stress load right now.

The best way for you to support yourself and your family is to be calm, steady and not wracked with guilt.  Here we talk about operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds our judgment.  When living in a FOG, we tend to have trauma-based, fight or flight reactions.  And we're exhausted, irritable and generally feeling lousy.  You deserve to get back to a healthier, more balanced, more serene place.  Give yourself some grace, take a break and consider therapy, too.  How does that sound?  This is what family members who truly love you would want for you.  It's what you'd want for you too.  Loving yourself means taking care of yourself first and foremost.  Only then will you be equipped to take care of others.

All my best to you.