It's the standing on the sidelines while she's with her mother who sees and interacts with her daily is the heartbreaking part. We had a close relationship until I became the "enemy". I'm blamed for a lot of things and a lot of them are just insane to consider. The fact that she said "I deserve compensation for my childhood" was just jaw-dropping. Along with all the other things she wrote to me were just a lot. A lot a lot. I showed the ranting texts to friends and some of them couldn't even understand why I'd even respond and others still said I was "too nice".

My one theme in dealing with her ranting was, "I'm here when you need to reach out". That was all I could think. She only slipped in the line about her diagnoses (there were a few of them) at the end of her tirade before she stopped sending me any more messages.

Finding ways to respond and techniques to cope with the outbursts and the unreasonable demands coupled with threats of self-harm is what I'm trying to do at this point. Educate myself, train myself on how to respond, and make sure I take care of my own mental health. It's like that line when the flight attendant says "put your mask on first before you help anyone else." I don't believe I'm  any good to anyone if I am not any good to myself first.

Thank you, Mutt for your encouragement and your resource leads. I've been doing TOO MUCH surfing and reading about this and need to pace myself so I don't burn out.

Hey, all, it’s been a while since my last post. Just an update and advice on a couple of things.

I think the last time I posted I mentioned that I did hire the lawyer. I’ve just completed the extensive financial affidavit. Wow, was in depth. Going through that - there is absolutely NO WAY my stbx would be able to do that. I don't know how other couples do this. But either I need to help her (as I've always done), or she'll go through it herself (and will absolutely not be accurate and be low in her income and high in her expenses), or she will need to hire someone which will cost money from our limited estate. I would be fine with getting her financials and doing it but what's the chance of that right?

Meeting with my lawyer this week for our first one-on-one following the initial 1 hour consultation. I’ve done my best to be very detailed and filling out the financial affidavit. I’m trying to do as much work as I can to keep billable hours down. I definitely appreciate any other advice on this. I’m not afraid of doing leg work, research or comp completing documentation.

My wife still has no idea that this is happening. My target right now is still mid March. I feel a little like Julia Roberts in that movie sleeping with the enemy… Making plans and have everything lined up before I move ahead with anything officially to escape. I’ve got a UPS mailbox for an alternate mailing address. I’ve also just opened a storage unit.  I have a couple of life insurance policies and now that I’ve got an ultra mailing address. I’m changing the beneficiary to my daughter with a letter of intent. I didn't want to update the policy before updating the mailing address in case something came to the house. I have the storage unit to move important items out of the house and have things protected (so she doesn't destroy a bunch of stuff) or in case she does make a false police statement and I get removed temporarily.

Despite all her BS I am feeling some guilt keeping this charade on. Even though she’s done horrible, really despicable things to me. I feel guilty going on with this pretense that I’m still invested in keeping the relationship alive and working through things. I know it’s not for ill intention, I have to do this for safety purposes and to keep the peace until I’m ready to file/tell her we’re divorcing. But there was a marriage conference at our church the other week. We went to that, talk about awkward. It’s one of those things where me not going would put up so many red flags. But I'm trying to win an academy award an make her think it's business as usual. Right now it’s about keeping the peace as much as possible and not letting on we're divorcing. Got 3-4 weeks to go...

I don’t have any reservations about proceeding with the divorce. We had another episode the last few days. I say we, but I really mean she had an episode. Just for context, my wife drinks daily. If she drinks less than a bottle of wine that’s very out of the ordinary. She also vapes marijuana every night. Usually by around dinner time. She’s just high and drunk most of the time in the evening evenings. The other evening she was in her altered state, talking into her sister, mostly venting about me but it was getting late. I’m usually up by 5 AM, so I really try to lay down by 9 to 9:30. Finally in about 10 PM she was still on the phone and I just told her I was going to sleep. I needed to get up early. She comes to bed not too long after that, I’ve already got my eye mask on the lights are off and my White Noise is on. She’s feeling horny and wants some intimacy so starts trying to cuddle me. I don’t really want to be physical anyway but at this point I’m trying to wind myself down for sleep. I say exactly that - I’m tired, not in a sexy mood. She gets upset, starts talking about feeling rejected and we haven’t been intimate lately. Wants to start getting into it. I sat calm and say I’m not talking about this now, we can talk tomorrow. I reiterate I’m getting up early and so is she.

She presses, so I say I’m going to sleep and not talking about this. If she won’t stop talking I’ll need to go to the spare room.

I went to the spare room and locked the door. Was wound up now but tried my best to relax. She starts calling my phone over and over. I pickup on the 4th time to tell her I’m not talking about this (in hindsight I realize it was a mistake to pickup at all).  Then she comes to the door. Sad/angry/drunk trying to convince me to fix this tonight. I respond I won’t but will come to bed if we can go to sleep. Back in the room after laying down she starts talking. I say ok, since she won’t let me sleep I’m staying in the spare room. Now she sits in front of the door. Telling me she won’t leave and I’ll just have to hit her if I want her to move. After egging me on for a while I finally lost my cool for a moment and called her a psychopath… that’s how she was acting. After realizing I wasn’t talking she moved away from the door.

I make it back to the spare room. She again followed this time screaming and crying loudly. Begging me to come to bed and not lock her out. This is almost 11pm now. My adult disabled son is upset yelling for her to be quiet. She promised she would go to sleep if I came to bed. For my kids I tried again and went to the bedroom. She actually stayed quiet and we were able to go to sleep.

Since then it was 3 days of how badly I mistreated her etc. Her demanding I see her side and apologize, make promises I won't stonewall her again and will not lock the door. (during the episode she also threatened to remove the door off the hinges and tried to tell me I can't use that room for safety because its the room her mom stays in when she's with us). I can’t even describe my frustration. It’s all the same pattern. She wants unlimited access at any time of day or night. Any reasonable boundary - such as no getting into any discussions when alcohol is invoked or depriving me of sleep is me being mean or not giving her space or stonewalling. She used that a lot so probably something she recently learned from her therapist. The crazy party is I did NOT see this for years and years. Makes me sad for the time I've lost. Grateful for more and more clarity.

Nothing really changed. I just held out until she got to baseline today.

But there was another disturbing development from all this. I think the 2nd night of her episode she told me the some old friends through church from where we lived like 10 years ago just got divorced and she was texting the wife.  Making a little passive aggressive innuendos that maybe she’ll be her new texting buddy (insinuating that she could get tips, or maybe she would leave me) - I could only wish...  That night when she was drunk and high and went to lay down early, she left her phone out in the living room. So I went through her messages and saw the exchange. Right near the beginning of the exchange she flat out told this woman that I stepped out on the marriage and cheated on her! That is complete fabrication and a lie. I wanted to yell and run to her right then... But didn't. Being strategic.

Every time something happens, especially that last bit it’s just so much validation that I’m absolutely doing the right thing. I’m mean this so insane, the steps I’m having to go through. How secretive I’m having to be. 

So yeah, my next steps are to meet with the lawyer, figure out next steps there. I think the biggest thing for me is to figuring out the proper set and setting to have the conversation with her. And how to tell my adult kids. Right now my intention is to tell them ahead of time, my daughter for sure. I wanna make sure she hears it from me in a calm way. I know she’ll be sad, but I cannot imagine she’ll be that surprised…

As far as the message to someone spreading a false rumor about me and making a complete false allegation. I did take a picture of it so I have a record of it. And I am going to confront her with it probably in a week or so. I just want to hear what she has to say about it and make sure I record it. My other thought was wait until I tell her I’m divorcing. I figure there’s a good chance way of getting something on a voice recording with her incriminating herself, stating something like she’ll lie or say whatever she needs to say to ruin me or she’ll tell everybody I cheated even though it wasn't true. Or she might retract and state she knows I didn't cheat. Anyway - the particular person she told I don't really care about but that could eventually get around and spread to people I do care about (plus she will probably tell others the same thing) I think she's either painting herself as the victim to garner sympathy or projecting something she's done in the past. I think the former is more likely. Either way it would be beneficial to have something recorded to defend myself moving forward...

Anyways, happy Sunday! Lol

Hi Samss,

That line -  “Parents are wired to care and protect. I can’t do either.” - really hit me.

The rapid-fire texts, the swings between anger and reassurance, the threats… that’s a lot for anyone’s nervous system to absorb. Of course you feel overwhelmed.

One small shift that helped me in my own situation (different relationship, I know) was deciding when I would engage instead of reacting in real time. I stopped responding to waves of messages as they came in and chose a set time to read and reply. It didn’t fix anything overnight, but it helped me stop standing in the middle of the storm.

That wasn’t about caring less. It was about staying steady.

Understanding the diagnosis helps make sense of things, but it doesn’t make it easier emotionally. You’re allowed to feel heartbroken about that.

You’re not alone here.

Hi, Mutt,

Thank you for the link. I did some more digging.

Heartbreak is definitely where I am now. My daughter's threats and accusations and remonstrations and anger are overwhelming. They come at me like a hurricane all at once. She won't "talk" to me and instead sends me massive amounts of texts all-at-once and in very fast succession and then once she gets what she wants whether it's to abuse me, call me names, tell me horrible things about me, in the same breath telling me she doesn't "blame me for who I am" and then threatening to hurt herself and then telling me that I have to support her. I haven't said I won't support her, I'm trying to get her on her feet but she vacillates between saying she's trying to get her act together and that it's all hopeless and nothing will get better.

Knowing the BPD diagnosis helped a lot with all of the confusion I've had the past 5 or so years. It made a lot of sense. Reading posts here and reading as much as I can about the disorder has helped a LOT about making sense of the last few years. Everything makes a LOT more sense but that doesn't mean it makes it easier.

It was like I was putting together a jigsaw puzzle about my daughter's behavior and I had no frame to put it in. I couldn't figure out the corner pieces or the edges to put the other pieces inside. Once I started reading about BPD a LOT of things fell into place.

A friend said that knowing about this is both a curse and a blessing. I can put a name to what she's going through and how to better manage my reaction to her and her outbursts but it doesn't lessen how debilitating it feels being unable to do anything about it.

Parents are wired to care and protect. I can't do either.

Hi Samss,

The question “Did I do this?” really stood out to me.

Many of us have asked that same question. BPD isn’t caused by one parent, one mistake, or one childhood event. It’s much more complex than that. Guilt is a heavy thing to carry, and it doesn’t help you or her.

What I hear most in your post isn’t anger - it’s heartbreak. Loving from the sidelines can feel disheartening and futile.

You’re not alone in that feeling.

Hi, Mutt,

What's been weighing on me? Let's see...

Did I do this?
What made her go from a loving child to one that is all-at-once ranting and manipulative and raving and demanding money as "compensation for her childhood". Seriously, that was part of last exchange to me. Once I gave her the money, even AFTER I gave her the money, she continued to rant saying things like "do I know I'm being manipulative, yes", or "I'm jealous of you, you've had a child and a home and a marriage" (even though I'm divorced many years now), and "I'll never have any of that".

Everything was so all-at-once hopeless and completely devoid of any hope for her. She spends too much time online reading about "things" and it is nuts her views on things that she didn't used to have before. Everything is only her opinion as the right one. No one, especially not me, can tell her anything. If I try to have any sort of opinion about anything, I'm immediately to be discounted and attacked all-at-once.

Until I read the line from her last exchange that she had this and a host of other issues, I didn't know what the diagnosis was because she won't share information with me. I have her on my insurance and told her to use my insurance to pay for the therapy and her response was, "you'll know who my therapist is then". I don't get what that would get me. I just wanted to make sure she had what she needs. That's it. I just want to make sure that what she needs for therapy and medication is covered. She can't seem to hold down a job, or I don't even know if she's looking. She makes comments about applying to places but when I give her leads, she ignores me.

It's all very frustrating watching from the sidelines and only hearing from her when she's manic in one direction or another. Although, now that I know what the diagnosis is it puts her behavior for the past few years in perspective. A lot more things make sense. I've been saying to friends that she goes from one extreme to another and it's bizarre dealing with the jekyll/hyde personality. So much more stuff makes sense now.

That doesn't mean any of it is easy though. I want to wrap her up in a big fluffy blanket surrounded by bubble wrap and make sure she's safe but she won't let me so all I can do is watch from the sidelines while she listens to her mother who is probably the worst person in the world to enable whatever she's dealing with.

Honestly, it all feels very disheartening and futile.

Hi Samss,

I’m really glad you came back and posted again. Finding out about the diagnosis after the fact can be really unsettling, especially when things swing from loving and connected to intense outbursts so quickly. A lot of us here know that emotional whiplash.

Please don’t blame yourself for not handling things differently. Most parents aren’t told about the diagnosis, and even when we are, it takes time to learn new ways of responding.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a pretty common starting point. Many people here have found it helpful just to make sense of what’s happening.

For in-person support in NYC, you might want to look into NAMI NYC (National Alliance on Mental Illness – NYC Metro). They run family support groups and a Family-to-Family course for caregivers:
https://naminycmetro.org

You’re not alone in this. What’s been weighing on you the most these past couple of weeks?

Since I'm not getting any responses to my query about in-person support groups in NYC. I was wondering if anyone has used/read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger?

I've been doing a lot of reading about BPD, and it seems like a good practical resource on how to respond with the emotional unreasonableness of how my daughter comes at me when she has her outbursts.

Still hoping anyone can recommend in-person support groups in NYC. Any responses would be most appreciated.

oh CGAME,

Iam so sorry that you are hurting. It must seem right now that everything is falling apart and that your whole family has turned against you and your husband putting his hands on you will never be acceptable. You were looking for some support or compassion from your spouse and He had no right to do that.

Please dont blame yourself. You didnt press his buttons or ask for that. As others have said you dont have to make any rash decisions right now about your future or where you want to be but please look into getting some emotional support lined up outside of your home if feel that you cant express yourself safely without fear of things escalating. Making an apts to see a GP for the low mood you are experiencing caused by this family crisis and a therapist to talk things through will help..

Good morning . I want to thank those of you that replied to my post. I’m a new member still learning to navigate this site. What I’ve read so far has been comforting & helps me to not feel so alone