Wow, lots of great insights here. My sense is that you have a good handle on what is going on. If only you could help your daughter feel better . . .
Anyway, I have a few observations. Let's see:
"Her issues really manifest in personal relationships mostly. She is hyper critical of everyone. No one can meet her standards." Indeed. I think pwBPD suffer from a "permafrost" attitude, percieving negativity and ill intent almost everywhere. It's probably part of the black-and-white thinking, but in my experience, their thinking is overwhelmingly BLACK. Granted, there might be glimpses of white, but they usually involve what I call "fantasy" thinking, as in, pwBPD wants to move to another city as soon as possible, believing that her life will magically get better, because the grass is always greener on the other side. Lots of color analogies here, but I think you'll get what I mean.
"She claims she is working that in therapy and is building resilience; she claims I am weak and not resilient because I cannot handle her anger at me and won’t admit I am wrong." OK, two things here. First, she's working in therapy, and that is a very positive sign. That she's calling out "building resilience" sounds to me like her therapist has her working on the right things! You see, she's not emphasizing desconstructing her terrible childhood; it's more about handling her day-to-day emotions (based on my reading). Second, your daughter is accusing you of being weak and unable to handle anger. If you think that's poppycock, then it's a sure sign that she's PROJECTING onto you. I think her words are actually code for, "I'm weak and can't handle my anger." If you are on the lookout for projection, for any accusations that seem totally off-base, then it's easier not to take your daughter's words so personally, and maybe not be so reactive to them. In fact, I think if you listen for projections, more often than not, you can see what's bugging your daughter. That's because she's so worried about her shortcomings that she's ruminating about them constantly, and they are always top-of-mind, which is why they emerge as projections onto you. Does that make sense?
"I do believe she has deep shame on a lot of levels. She has told me before that she has intrusive thoughts that she is a bad person." OK, that's understandable, but it's also progress in my opinion. She has taken a temporary break from blaming you and shows some self-reflection. The thing is though, just like she's hard on everyone else, she's too hard on herself. She hasn't learned yet to contextualize, to have perspective, to take the good with the bad, etc. She ruminates excessively, which makes things worse than they already are. My opinion is that she needs to spend less time thinking and more time DOING. Otherwise, she carves a negative thinking rut into her brain. Instead, she needs to work to get past the past, which she can't change anyway, and look forward.
"I am sure it is because of her unstable sense of self… many times she has told me stories about personas she puts on in new groups of people etc." Indeed this is typical for pwBPD in my opinion--not being sure about their likes and dislikes, trying out new personas in order to fit in, mirroring other people to be accepted. While there's a certain amount of experimentation in adolescence which is completely normal, I think that for pwBPD, it can be disorienting. In college and in early careers, they feel rudderless, with no clear idea about what major to choose, what sort of career to pursue, what they're good at, etc. I think they're more likely to do things because their friends do it, than out of any genuine interest. And if the friend group isn't the best, then that can spell trouble.
As an aside, one time I sat with my BPD adult stepdaugther and encourged her to complete a questionnaire about basic likes and dislikes (e.g. writing, being outdoors, talking with other people, working with your hands, building things) that could match her with potential careers. I started by saying, "There are no wrong answers here; just be honest, and it will be fun to see what sorts of jobs pop up, OK?" For context, I did this exercise with her because she was totally lost about what sort of job to pursue. Well, I was ASTOUNDED at how she didn't seem to know who she was, and by how she answered some questions. She seemed totally, utterly clueless, and sometimes completely wrong, if that makes any sense. Like, she thinks she's "personable" and "outgoing." Not by a long shot.
"She also does struggle with overwhelm at adulting tasks. I have been there helping her with things the entire time." Indeed, my pwBPD really struggles with adulting tasks. She needs lots and lots of downtime. But to some extent, I think she's had trouble BECAUSE her parents over-functioned for her for an extended time. One example is household chores; she didn't have any responsibilities for chores growing up. So I think when she went to college, she completely broke down, uncertain of how to do her laundry, clean her room or manage her schedule, let alone study independently, let alone juggle everything simultaneously. Unfortunately, because she's so moody, and she tends to blame other people for her problems, it takes her extra-long to figure out how to manage some daily tasks. And like your daughter, she needs to work on resilience--not letting little setbacks derail her.
Just my two cents.
"Her issues really manifest in personal relationships mostly. She is hyper critical of everyone. No one can meet her standards." Indeed. I think pwBPD suffer from a "permafrost" attitude, percieving negativity and ill intent almost everywhere. It's probably part of the black-and-white thinking, but in my experience, their thinking is overwhelmingly BLACK. Granted, there might be glimpses of white, but they usually involve what I call "fantasy" thinking, as in, pwBPD wants to move to another city as soon as possible, believing that her life will magically get better, because the grass is always greener on the other side. Lots of color analogies here, but I think you'll get what I mean.”
I really agree on the “grass is always greener” thinking. My husband’s ex-wife was like that, she constantly wanted to move because she was sure that would make her happier. My daughter is absolutely convinced that when she has kids, it will all be sunshine and roses because SHE will understand exactly what they need and can give it to them, unlike me."She claims she is working that in therapy and is building resilience; she claims I am weak and not resilient because I cannot handle her anger at me and won’t admit I am wrong." OK, two things here. First, she's working in therapy, and that is a very positive sign. That she's calling out "building resilience" sounds to me like her therapist has her working on the right things! You see, she's not emphasizing desconstructing her terrible childhood; it's more about handling her day-to-day emotions (based on my reading). Second, your daughter is accusing you of being weak and unable to handle anger. If you think that's poppycock, then it's a sure sign that she's PROJECTING onto you. I think her words are actually code for, "I'm weak and can't handle my anger." If you are on the lookout for projection, for any accusations that seem totally off-base, then it's easier not to take your daughter's words so personally, and maybe not be so reactive to them. In fact, I think if you listen for projections, more often than not, you can see what's bugging your daughter. That's because she's so worried about her shortcomings that she's ruminating about them constantly, and they are always top-of-mind, which is why they emerge as projections onto you. Does that make sense?”
I think you are absolutely correct about her projections. I have not gotten mad or yelled at her during any of her verbal attacks on me. I did cry, which pissed her off more, but never angry… if I ever spoke to her like she spoke to me she would absolutely lose it. She clearly is not controlling the vile things that are coming out of her mouth, but she says I am the weak one…."I do believe she has deep shame on a lot of levels. She has told me before that she has intrusive thoughts that she is a bad person." OK, that's understandable, but it's also progress in my opinion. She has taken a temporary break from blaming you and shows some self-reflection. The thing is though, just like she's hard on everyone else, she's too hard on herself. She hasn't learned yet to contextualize, to have perspective, to take the good with the bad, etc. She ruminates excessively, which makes things worse than they already are. My opinion is that she needs to spend less time thinking and more time DOING. Otherwise, she carves a negative thinking rut into her brain. Instead, she needs to work to get past the past, which she can't change anyway, and look forward.”
This is my hope for her. She is incredibly intelligent and can have great insight when she is regulated. Unfortunately she seems to be very dysregulated right now, and I am sad I cannot be there for her because currently she despises me."I am sure it is because of her unstable sense of self… many times she has told me stories about personas she puts on in new groups of people etc." Indeed this is typical for pwBPD in my opinion--not being sure about their likes and dislikes, trying out new personas in order to fit in, mirroring other people to be accepted. While there's a certain amount of experimentation in adolescence which is completely normal, I think that for pwBPD, it can be disorienting. In college and in early careers, they feel rudderless, with no clear idea about what major to choose, what sort of career to pursue, what they're good at, etc. I think they're more likely to do things because their friends do it, than out of any genuine interest. And if the friend group isn't the best, then that can spell trouble.
She definitely tries on personas constantly, we have always noticed at family gatherings, she loves to be the center of attention, “performs” outrageous stories, etc. Sometimes she will monopolize group conversations for ages. Luckily, she has settled on a very smart career path already, and is very excited about it, so I am hoping that will give her purpose. “As an aside, one time I sat with my BPD adult stepdaugther and encourged her to complete a questionnaire about basic likes and dislikes (e.g. writing, being outdoors, talking with other people, working with your hands, building things) that could match her with potential careers. I started by saying, "There are no wrong answers here; just be honest, and it will be fun to see what sorts of jobs pop up, OK?" For context, I did this exercise with her because she was totally lost about what sort of job to pursue. Well, I was ASTOUNDED at how she didn't seem to know who she was, and by how she answered some questions. She seemed totally, utterly clueless, and sometimes completely wrong, if that makes any sense. Like, she thinks she's "personable" and "outgoing." Not by a long shot.”
"She also does struggle with overwhelm at adulting tasks. I have been there helping her with things the entire time." Indeed, my pwBPD really struggles with adulting tasks. She needs lots and lots of downtime. But to some extent, I think she's had trouble BECAUSE her parents over-functioned for her for an extended time. One example is household chores; she didn't have any responsibilities for chores growing up. So I think when she went to college, she completely broke down, uncertain of how to do her laundry, clean her room or manage her schedule, let alone study independently, let alone juggle everything simultaneously. Unfortunately, because she's so moody, and she tends to blame other people for her problems, it takes her extra-long to figure out how to manage some daily tasks. And like your daughter, she needs to work on resilience--not letting little setbacks derail her.”
I know I over functioned for her, I own that completely. Part of it was that for household things, getting her to do chores was just not worth the fights that it set off. So much walking on eggshells. She can be very capable when she wants to, but her ADHD and anxiety get in the way of SO many things. I don’t know, I hate this SO much. I know she is very angry, because she feels that she was so misunderstood and mistreated as a child. And I cannot change those feelings for her. But this endless anger is holding her back. When they run out of villains do they actually look in the mirror and start to do the work? I have left the door open to her in so many ways. I have told her repeatedly that I love her and I am sorry even when she is raging at me. She cannot seem to hear it though.
I have really appreciated your thoughts, thank you.
