Thanks Pook - this is exactly what I'm contemplating - either leave it as it is or make one last, doomed-to-fail attempt to reconcile with her sliding into dementia - basically checkboxing "I did the right thing".  Thing is, I checked that box twenty years ago, sooo - not much point in checking it again.  I'm sad she never got to know her younger grandson but, given my older son just had an encounter with her saying needlessly hurtful things, (he's in his thirties, his choice) I think that was the right decision.  It sucks though.  Anyway, I'm really just - I dunno - venting isn't quite the right word.  Expressing my ongoing sadness at this.

Ref end-of-life talks with my sister - I can't actually have those.  She's the enmeshed GC and refuses to talk about anything to do with family history or anything uncomfortable at all.  "I don't want to talk about it," followed by a topic shift more violent than Operation Desert Storm.  We have an OK but not close relationship, that I expect will fade once her kids and mine are off to college or whatever.  That's a couple of years out.  My other sister is lost to drugs - not in the street addict sense, just in the "numbed out on meds" sense.  I miss the original version of both of them.

And - while I'm sharing, although it's not BPD.  My older son is very deeply angry with me over my absence in his youth.  It's on me, I accept that.  I've apologized so much he now gets angry when I do.  I had to draw a boundary there too.

I think I'm getting to the point of my life where I've been there, and done that.  I can handle this fine, I've handled much worse.  I suppose its the family dynamic version of a clogged toilet - no emergency, just unpleasant and unavoidable.

On the bright side, I can write a book called "Unclogging the Family Toilet - How to deal with _____ without getting smeared."   

So we have been dating for 4 months, and 4 weeks ago we went on a trip. meeting some of our gaming friends for a week. We are long distance, so this is the second time we have met in person as well. She got very overwhelmed on the trip and kind of got a bit colder and asked me to be a bit less romantic to give her space, which I did the best that I could.

After the trip I spent 1 more week with her, and basically by the end of it she seemed really drained. I asked by the end of the trip if she still loved me and just responded, "Idk" (I know now I probably shouldn't have asked that, as that could make things worse).

When I got home, we had a voice call, and she basically said she has lost her feelings for me but says I have done nothing wrong, just that she currently feels numb. Since then we have only texted at her request. I have tried to be there for her while still giving her space to feel better, letting her know she doesn't need to reply when I send her something but that I am there if she needs me. She has been texting me back at random intervals but yesterday decided to not at all, and today asked about how I am doing and then when I replied, said nothing. I asked her a couple days ago if she still wants me to keep up my routine of saying good night, good morning, and one random text in the middle of the day or if she wants more space, and she asked me to keep texting her.

This is the first time she is what I guess is considered splitting. So it is hard to know how to navigate everything. Am I doing it right? Is there something I can do that might help? Should I keep texting her like I have even though she doesn't reply to show that I am still there? I care about her a lot, and I am willing to push through this, as she is genuinely an amazing person and hasn't said anything bad, just been self-isolating herself, and you know, said she doesn't feel anything for me atm and is feeling overwhelmed.

I have been reading a lot about BPD to try and understand it more but would love some perspective on what the best I can do is atm and how to make sure I don't hurt her or push her in any way. Any advice is appreciated except telling me to break up with her because I am not planning to do that whatsoever!

She has told me she is worried that her feelings might not come back and that we should maybe end the relationship so we aren't in this middle thing, but I told her that I don't expect her feelings to be able to match my feelings atm but that I am here for her and willing to wait. 

So sorry that you had this shock.  But he has a personality disorder.  That means he is mentally ill to some extent.  Not enough to be convicted and imprisoned, nor enough to perhaps be committed to a mental hospital.  But still... his perceptions are so skewed away from the feelings and realities of reasonably normal persons.

You no doubt tried to make it work for so many years but it's not that you failed.  BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  The very emotional closeness of the relationship seems to block the other from truly getting past the baggage of the relationship so that he could truly listen and take long term notice of your efforts.

You did try but it's time to Let Go.

That's really tough, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  But at the same time, you have exactly two options and they're the same options you've had for the past 20 years.  Remain no contact or reach out and try to reconcile.

For end of life care, there's many options and that's a different discussion entirely.  You can have those discussions with your sister directly, without having any involvement with mom.

Again, I'm very sorry you're in this position.  Of course it brings up old feelings.  There's no rulebook on how to process them.

So, it's been about two decades since my first post here, which came very shortly after the realization that my estranged mom had BPD.  Despite some attempts at reconciliation (by me) it never got much better. Since then...

I've had twenty years of a loving, supportive marriage with my beautiful wife.  We've raised an amazing young man who will be starting university next year.  We just had dinner for the first time with his GF of about 8 months.  She's sweet.

I've managed to develop a reasonable relationship with my older son from my first relationship.  He's very angry at me, as I separated from his mom and was absent most of his childhood.  It's difficult but the love is there.

Last time I saw BPDmom, several years ago now, she was starting to lose her marbles a bit.  I got a bit of closure, but by this point there was no relationship left to save.  I felt, and feel, more sorry for her more than anything, but I drew a boundary and stuck to it.

Evidently she's now at my slightly-less estranged sisters house and defecated on the couch.  I dunno what the care options are going to be - it's really my sisters problem.  I'm just - I dunno - I first went NC thirty years ago.  I gave up trying to fix it twenty years ago.  I remember clearly coming to the conclusion back then that she was going to die before anything changed, and that I had to accept that, grieve it, move on.  So now it's here, I guess not all the grieving has been done after all.  I'm OK with that, nothing to be done.  The rain rains.

And that, my friends, is where I am.

First of all, don't beat yourself up over this.  He knew you would be there, right?  Let me say, therefore there's a chance he left the journal there knowing you would find it and read it.  When I was married, BPDxw loved to passive-aggressively leave little "trinkets" out for me to find, then get upset over my reaction, whether I read something, threw something away, didn't read something, etc.

Second of all, who writes that in a journal?  One keeps a journal to create a timeline and memorialize things for one's self.  What he wrote is basically a laundry list of everything he thinks would upset you.

I'm curious what the rest of his entries were like.  Did he just suddenly realize 12 years of marriage were bad and decided he needed to write that in case he forgot?

I completely agree, this is part of the sickness where you either focus on everything good or everything bad.  My ex did the exact same thing to me and at the time, I thought she was a complete monster.  But that's not really true or fair.  She thought those things in the moment when trying to feel good about herself...and that's what your husband is doing as well.  Instead of facing reality, he's creating his own version of events about you in order to keep any responsibility from falling on him. 

In other words, that's what children do.  Your husband thinks like a child.

As far as you reading the diary, at least you know for certain that the relationship is over.  While he hasn't been against you for 12 years like he said, it shows his current mindset and it would take years for that to reverse.  Again, I was in the exact same position and I was in shock when my ex suddenly flipped from white to black overnight.  How could it be true?  How could she think that way?  It's mental illness though and we're not supposed to truly understand it.

Just remember that his opinion of you is not what defines you.  He's sick and being childish.  And truthfully, he probably wanted you to find the diary because he's sick and childish.  Do not focus on this stuff because they're lies within his own mind.  When I went through it, the thoughts tore me up inside for months before I accepted the reality of what was really happening.

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're having to handle so much change in a short time.  The rupture of a long-term relationship/marriage, moving homes/housing instability and unemployment are really stressful.  Any one of those events is a top-ten life stressor.  Dealing with them all at once is really, really tough.

I'm glad you're taking a little time to get your head straight.  Clearly you're overwhelmed by all this.  I think it would be a good idea to try to regain some sense of calm before plotting your next move.  Baby steps.  You don't have to figure out your entire life right now, just focus on the next few days or weeks.  One thing at a time.

As for what your ex wrote, that sounds an awful lot like BPD.  PwBPD tend to see things in terms of all black or all white.  In his mind, you probably went from the best person in the world to the most horrible person in the universe.  He's wanting to jump into a new relationship again, probably to find that favorite person again.  That he's not reflecting, not comfortable being with himself, not taking some time to recover from a ruptured relationship, but instead rushing towards the next shiny thing--it sounds impulsive, black-and-white to me.  It's as if he has to find someone else to make him happy, instead of finding happiness within himself.  It's like he has to make you a villian in order to make himself feel better.  In other words, BPD.  Though it's really tough, try not to take it too personally.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about violating you're former partner's privacy.  He's not your partner anymore, and he doesn't have to know about it.

Hi all,

As always, thanks for all the support I am receiving from the members of this board. I have a few updates since my last post.

I have contacted a different therapist, one specialised in cognitive-behavioural therapy. There is a waiting list, but I am eager to start.

I have accepted my friend's offer to stay longer at her place (at least until I find some stability). It is hard, as I feel extremely depleted and unable to focus on finding a better job. Two days ago, I packed and moved all my stuff away from the apartment my BPD/NPD husband and I used to share.

Something happened. Although I am a bit reluctant to share, I think it is better to just be open about it. I am not proud of this. While packing my stuff, I came across a journal he had started to write since my departure. I know it's not ethical, and I hope to explore this further once I start therapy...but I read it. What I found was way beyond what I could imagine. He referred to me as 'the burden he had to carry for 12 years'. He wrote that he didn't even know why he married me and stayed in the relationship for so long, as there is nothing good about me and I am an abuser. He wrote that he is looking forward to having sex with other people, falling in love again, moving to this new place, and finally being allowed to follow his dreams and ideals.

I was in shock and could do little more than cry and hyperventilate the whole day (luckily, I had taken a day off to focus on moving). How could he truly feel this way? Have I loved someone who has never loved me, who has never even been sure about why he asked me to marry him? Has all been a very long lie? I have my flaws, but god...'nothing good about me', for real?

I have spent the last weeks talking about this divorce, expressing my grief, my pain, the fact that I didn't want the divorce and that, even though his behaviour had taken a huge toll on my life, I still care, and I am even worried for him. I am heartbroken, but I thought I could at least cling to the idea that the love we shared was real, independently of the end of the marriage. Knowing that all this time all he could feel was happiness and relief to have me out of his life just...hurts like hell. I feel like I have lived in a different reality, and I cannot trust my own perceptions and feelings.

I know I have to make an effort, glue together what remains of my life, ask for help and go on, but it is such a devastating thing to know.   

Thank you! I appreciate your perspective on this and I think you might be right. It’s hard to put yourself into the other persons shoes sometimes. I’ll keep any conversation light and short moving foreward and leave it up to her.