Thank you both. I feel so heard and validated I want to cry!

I really like the rollercoaster analogy. I DO have a choice to not get on that nauseating ride, I can just wait by the exit and mind my business patiently...

Yes, luckily both of us are on the same page about creating a stable home for our child and not carry forward this cycle from parents. Thank you once again.

Hello everyone, this is my first post, and I'm hoping to get some insight from people who have experience with BPD and relationships. I've been involved with someone for about six months. We started as friends, spending time together at the beach and going out for meals. Things eventually became intimate, but since then, the relationship has been a confusing cycle of closeness, breakups, and reconnecting. When we first met, I didn't know about the BPD diagnosis.

There have been several occasions when this person ended things, told me never to contact them again, or said they were not attracted to me and had never liked me. Then, after some time apart, they would reach out, apologize, and want to spend time together again. I eventually moved out of our shared home, not to get away from them, but to give us space to develop a relationship outside of living together. Even after meeting their family, I still find myself questioning what our connection meant and whether I did something wrong.

One thing I find particularly confusing is that during some breakups, this person would talk to their family as though we were still together, even after telling me the relationship was over. I'm trying to understand whether these conflicting words and actions might be related to BPD or whether there could be other explanations. I know everyone is different, and I don't want to assume the diagnosis explains everything.

For those who have experienced similar situations, is it possible for someone to have genuine feelings but struggle with the relationship and push the other person away? How do you distinguish between needing space and a relationship truly being over? I'm not here to blame anyone. I genuinely care about this person, but the uncertainty has been difficult, and I'm looking for advice on how to understand the situation while protecting my own emotional well-being. Thank you for listening.

Thank you. Yes, I will need to grieve and lick my wounds for quite a while. I would much rather be alone than in an unhealthy relationship again.

I understand that courts are both slow and loath to act.  I also think that they move to separate kids from parents only in extreme circumstances, like domestic violence or incest.  Even criminals are allowed to see their kids.  Nevertheless, I think courts will step in when it comes to kids' safety.  In the case of my disordered uNPD BIL, the solution was to require adult-supervised visits, as well as prohibit him from driving with the kids, and require him to pass a breathalyzer test during visitation.

Having said that, nothing really prevents my BIL from insulting his ex or his kids . . . but during in-person visitation, he's supervised by another adult.  During phone calls, he's not.  Little "forces" him to comply with the parenting plan, and he remains largely non-compliant with the terms of the divorce, too.  For example, it took him over a year to vacate the marital home and put it up for sale in accordance with the divorce decree.  He left the home in such ill repair after living in it alone during the pendancy of divorce that it remains unsold, despite listing it well below the Zillow estimated value, while he refuses to fix key issues like the A/C and septic tank.  What I'm trying to say is that you should ASSUME that any parenting plan or divorce decree will involve some non-cooperation on the part of your ex, because that's the way she is.

It sounds to me like your biggest issue right now is that you can't "end" interacting with your ex because your kids are involved.  Alas, I don't think you can prevent your ex from badmouthing you and spreading false stories behind your back.  I'd say, try not to engage with her at all, except concerning logistics with your kids.

There's also nothing stopping her from filing claims in the courts.  If you're in the US, anybody can sue anybody.  But I'd think that if the suits are frivolous, you could have the case dismissed and demand that the plaintiff pay your legal fees.  My ex BIL also tried to play the court system durning the custody case . . . and even though he was a lawyer, he didn't follow the process correctly, and the court basically slapped his hand.  Ultimately he was found in contempt of court, and they ruled in favor of my sister, who remained the reasonable and compliant one throughout the multi-year process, always putting the kids' interests first and foremost.  I wish the same for your ex and you.

There's a saying here, the three C's.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That's why you do what you CAN do... take care of yourself!

As they say at the start of every air flight, "In the event of an emergency, first put on your own oxygen mask before helping others."

Understand that a child - as much as children are such great blessings - will bring a big change to your marriage.  The twosome aspect is in the past.  Having kids makes makes any marriage more complicated.  With mental health issues being present, this will make life that much more complicated.  So be as prepared as possible for surprises.

Family abuse and conflict is a multi-generational issue.  One goal you should have is to do your best to avoid family conflict being passed onto the next generation.  Well, as best you can.

We get it.  We comply and get little or no credit while the ex fights everything and gets few or weak consequences.  It's almost as though the court sees us as more responsible and thus more consequence-worthy but keeps acting more as a passive referee hoping the players figure it out, as though you're only bickering.

In my experience the problem is that a psych eval is quite limited.  My ex and I were both ordered to take psych evals when we initially separated.  I complied.  No surprise, the university grad student's report listed "anxiety".  My ex?  To this day, over 2 decades later, I don't even know whether she even took her psych eval.  And yes, no consequences.

What I learned from that experience is that when you both are ordered to do something, might be a good idea for your attorney to merely inform the other side you've got your part done and wait for them to appear and submit their part.  Otherwise you'll comply and be left whistling in the  wind.

As CC43 wrote, a mental health diagnosis by itself will mean little, it's the impact of her parenting on the kids.  In my case I had a few magistrates who were of no help but eventually the rotation came around to the no-nonsense magistrate.  Between the magistrates, a lengthy Custody Evaluation by a respected expert child psychologist, a GAL for our child and my lawyer... the disparagement, the obstruction and the legal sabotage were addressed.  Sadly, we didn't get to that point until long after my two year divorce.


That publicity posturing is somewhat rare here and we have to be careful not to speculate, but with your ex doing all this publicity amplifying all the issues, I wonder whether you might conclude she's co-morbid with Histrionic PD, where she must be the center of attention.

We had a member here over a decade ago who had an ex like that and that BPD/HPD combo was devastating and had their family court tied up in circles.

Are you still in the divorce process?  Are you still living under a temp order?  Do you have a Guardian ad Litem (GAL = lawyer representing the children)?  As with a Custody Evaluator, a GAL must be well qualified, experienced, unbiased and not easily gullible.  My divorce took 2 years, yet it took several more years before court finally addressed her antics.  Once I obtained full legal guardianship (custody) and went back successfully to get majority time, my ex's entitlement balloon deflated a bit and we never went to court again.  However, if your ex is Histrionic, whether diagnosed or not, even that may not resolve the conflict.

Gift yourself some time to recover and find a new equilibrium.  Once this relationship is firmly in the past, grant yourself a year, perhaps more to shake loose the willies.  How can you know how much time?  One yardstick is when you meet someone new and you don't start talking about the crazy ex.

I know what you mean. It’s hard to feel like you’ve done something good when you’re being screamed at and called names. But Notwendy nails it — that is on her, not you. Your actions are what you can control and change. You’ll get sucked back in sometimes. But that doesn’t negate the hard things you are trying to do and doing.

Do the children have a GAL? Much can be done through a good guardian ad litem, since they are focused on representing the children's best interest.

I document everything.  All she does is run her mouth, I have hours of evidence and witnesses.  The court does nothing.  They won't even listen to if she talks bad to the kids.  It's just like BPD, don't bring it up type thing.  It's all hearsay.