Sorry, I wanted to add that my mom has actually been very supportive of my decision to move out. She knows I need my own space and home. She understands and agrees with me that I shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving. Even my own sister has said the same. But my issue is they have always barely gotten by and never taken the right precautions or made very solid plans for their own living situation to keep it sustainable. I tried to help and offer advice but they rarely took it seriously until it was basically too late and the damage was done. I even told my mom I would not be taking care of my sister when she passes away and again, she and my sister both expressed they completely agree it would be totally unfair. But they aren’t exactly giving me a huge vote of confidence that they are putting in the work to prevent that being the reality. It almost feels inevitable which makes it worse. My sister has struggled to find and stay at jobs for one reason or another. I’ve warned her she has to get her _____ together and just work to earn a living at this point. If she’s lucky she won’t end up homeless. I hope not. But I know that’s not on me to fix for her.

You are on the right path, by not engaging after receiving some nasty texts. It can feel so much lighter when we let the abusers take responsibility for their feelings and we don't allow ourselves to be the person they unload on by getting us engaged in JADING.

It's been a while. Hello friends  

A little background. I initially discovered this site because my MIL exhibits BPD behaviors and it wreaked havoc on my marriage. Thanks to BPDFamily, therapy, setting better personal boundaries and a husband who was willing to examine and change behaviors, my marriage is in a really good place today.

About four years ago, my middle daughter was diagnosed with BPD as well. Who knew the years of anguish spent sorting through my MIL's BPD behaviors would end up here.

In short, I have three kids. I was my BPD kiddo's person. After a challenging relationship with my husband, she split and took her siblings with her. The oldest and youngest now speak to me. They miss me and seem torn. I haven't spoken to the middle one, C, for five years. My heart breaks every day. I toggle between lingering guilt (should I have done some differently?), shame (so hard to talk about this, people don't know what to say), grief (it's like grieving a death she is choosing), healing (because I know that's what I'm responsible for).

She is the only one that also lives in my city, and I happen to know through her siblings that she is dating a guy named N. I don't stalk her social media but I have looked her up, so I know what he looks like. He happened to be working at a kiosk I frequent with friends yesterday. I didn't talk to him. We've never met. It was the closest contact I've had with my kid in years, and it was overwhelmingly triggering for reasons I can't quite verbalize yet.

I just needed to put the story somewhere that people would understand. If you're also dealing with this, I hope for you what I hope for me - that we find moments of joy, that we live life fully and continue to grow and find meaning and purpose.

  pj

Hello, I’ll try to reply to comments. I hope I’m doing this right. Honestly it just felt really good to get this off my chest. After I made this post, I had a really bad fight that got physical between me and my sister. If it wasn’t for our mom I don’t know how far I would have gotten and that really shook me to my core. I’m very flattered by your kind words. Truth is I’ve struggled mentally as well in a lot of ways. I’m just maybe less broken than my sister from what we both pulled from the CPTSD lottery. I have decided that by the end of next year I’d be moving out. I’m saving money and tried applying to some affordable housing programs, as well as joined a Facebook group for women needing roommates. I would prefer to live on my own after the experiences I had with being kicked out of my ex best friend’s life. But I’m also keeping an eye out on how my mom and sister manage if I’m gone. Every day that passes my gut tells me I need to save myself before anyone else. I need my own stable home that I’m fully in charge of. So regardless, I’ll be moving, hopefully before I’m 30.

Hey Steve.  I guess I'd ask what the story's like between the stories.  You were together for awhile, it got ugly and ended.  Six months later, you were back.  You also had trust issues and they were somewhat validated.

How big of a deal is the trust issues?  And how often did things turn into an argument that had a chance of turning violent?

Could you get her back?  Absolutely...at least in time.  But how do you avoid repeating the past?  How do you learn to trust her when it sounds like for most of the 2nd relationship, you weren't sure if you even wanted to be there?

I'm playing devil's advocate here, of course, but these are important things to really think through.  Thankfully, you'll have some time before speaking with her again.  Really dig deep and find the answer- what we say about your love life doesn't matter.  You know it's a harmful relationship and you know you love her anyway.  Figure out how that fits together.

I want to point out something- not as a criticism- because I did it myself and when someone pointed this out to me- I understood it better and was able to make some changes.

It's triangulation. Read about the Karpman triangle dynamics.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This is a common pattern in relationships in dysfunctional families. Your sister is the one with BPD but this situation involves all members of the family who may take on different roles in the triangle. It's so much a part of the family dynamics that people aren't aware of what they are doing- it's the normal in that family.

The pwBPD is in Victim perspective. Other family members may be rescuers or persecutors. People can change roles depending on the situation.

One way this plays out is- your sister is upset over something you did or didn't do (it may not even be anything, just how she thinks)  (Victim) vents to your mother. You are in Persecutor position. Mother takes on Rescuer.

Or you say something to your niece. Niece tells her mother (your sister). Keep in mind, sister is in Victim perspective. Sister perceives you as Persecutor, vents to other family members who then align with her as Rescuer.

There's no way to change another person's thinking. What your sister does isn't OK and it's not fair. Defending yourself to another family member puts you on the "triangle" too as they now have to choose your "truth" or hers.

Mothers don't really want to "choose" between their children. Family members also don't want to be in a position to choose. They may "default" enable the child with dysfunction, perhaps because they want to keep the peace overall and that child is the more difficult one. It isn't fair but families with disorder try to maintain balance in some way.

A valuable way of looking at this pattern in the family is to see it as a pattern and not personal to you. It will be less hurtful to you if you see it this way.

Another value to understanding this is to see that it doesn't change the situation for the better. One part of this pattern is that when someone jumps into the triangle, it's a no win situation, it ends up with you being the one your sister sees as Persecutor.

My approach to this was to work at not getting involved in the triangle dynamics. It's a hard concept to see and understand at first but one step for me was to not speak to a family member about another family member with the hope of gaining their support for my point of view. This doesn't mean not talking to them about your feelings or a situation but to do so with keeping your clarity about your intentions in mind.  I also kept in mind that whatever I said to a family member was possibly going to be shared with BPD mother.

I think it's good that you spoke to your mother about your feelings- you did this not to triangulate but to keep the connection with her. This was not Karmpan triangle. This way she can understand your situation. However, she still may not wish to take sides and will listen to both you and your sister.

I understand the fear of "losing" relationships with family members. BPD mother also said things about me to other people that weren't true. Some of them believed her, and took her side. I felt that if I told them a different story, they'd have to see that one of us wasn't telling the truth. They may not believe me or it would appear I was talking badly about my mother.

I did grieve over the loss of connection with some family members but also thought- can we really lose something that wasn't there to begin with? If the cost of a relationship with someone is to appease my BPD family member, if I am fearful of what they think of me- is that really a relationship based on the kind of connection I want?

When around family members like this, I was polite and cordial. However, I also accepted their own relationship limits and dynamics. Maybe they were doing the best they can. Sometimes there's more than one dysfunctional person in a family.

However you do have your own "village". You have a fiance who loves and supports you and you have step children. Of course you want your family in your life to the extent they can be, or that you can manage. It's possible that NC with your sister is the best way for you to do that. Other family members will make their choices too. Your fiance chose you.

Just got some nasty texts after a short period of little contact and some notable shifts in my thinking.  Still not the best feeling in the world, but I feel so much lighter than I usually do after these attacks.  I'm not engaging.  I know the situation is not my fault.  And I know my boundaries are right for me. And I'm not freaking out -- such a relief.

Sums it up perfectly.. and it's a real breakthrough on the road to healing when we finally realise that all our 'what if' thoughts wouldn't have changed a thing - even if by doing things differently we would have succeeded in defusing one situation, only for our BPD partner to simply switch onto something else with which to blame and abuse us.  It's what they do and is the nature of their illness.

We can do a million things 'right' for them, but they will always come up with some way we 'failed' them. Took me 4 years to realise that I simply couldn't win but I'm glad I did eventually see it and it helped me give up on a pointless and toxic relationship, with my conscience totally clear.

Hi there,

I remember your story, and I'm pretty sure I would have replied to you that isolation from family is a red line for me.  I've noticed that pwBPD and BPD traits can try to isolate people from family and friends, in a misguided attempt to control and reclaim attention.  But my opinion is that this is abusive.  Sure, the pwBPD might concoct a narrative in support of isolation, such as describing a family member as toxic, or accusing you of being disloyal.  But you know that's not true.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the kids to see grandma.  Maybe grandma stays in a hotel nearby, and the kids see her there.  Maybe you organize a long weekend away.  Your wife will probably have a hissy fit, but I'd say, let her have one.  In my opinion, enduring a hissy fit would be worth it to me, because I get to visit with family.

In the meantime, if your wife is passive-aggressive over missing out on the free trip, then let her.  Her choice, her consequences. 

It's wonderful you're doing so well in your life.  I imagine that the icing on the cake would be to have a normal relationship with your sister, and, by extension, your parents as well.  But here's the thing--the better you're doing, the more jealous your sister is probably going to be.  That's because, when you're happy, you're basically reminding your sister that she is not.  Her reactions are BPD-style:  to put you and your fiance down, to accuse you of things you didn't do, to blame you, to lash out and "punish" you, to create drama so that your sister can reclaim the center of attention for herself, all in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  The claim that you compel your sister drink in your presence sounds like classic BPD blame-shifting to me. 

As for your parents, they see their daughter suffering, and they probably expect you to be the "bigger person" and make things right.  Unfortunately, the tradition in the family system is for you to take a hit, in the name of keeping your sister stable.  That can happen in many families, where attention, resources and help always seem to gravitate to the neediest child.  I think that's because parents are only as happy as their unhappiest child, and they are wired to try to help and protect their children.  Alas, with untreated BPD, your sister's needs are extreme, a bottomless pit.  And so the family "system" is dysfunctional, unfair and deeply engrained.  I imagine you were let down because your family didn't seem able to celebrate your happy engagement news with you.  Just know it's not because you're undeserving . . . it's because your sister, and by extension, the family just can't handle that sort of thing. 

At the end of the day, this family dynamic isn't just unfair, but it's adversely affecting you with "mental torture."  I wouldn't want to see you not live your best life in the name of "managing" your sister's unmanageable emotions.  My advice would be for you to continue on your path of making a wonderful life for yourself.  I like the advice of another poster not to reveal too many personal details to your sister, and possibly to your parents, because that only fuels the ongoing jealousy and dysfunction.  I understand you probably want a deeper, "normal" relationship, but that is probably not possible with untreated BPD.  A superficial, lower-contact relationship might enable you to reach a calmer place.  You can find deeper relationships elsewhere, such as your soon-to-be husband and bonus kids.