Thank you, NotWendy, I think you are right that she wants to project the image of a picture-perfect family - I have always sensed that the image was more important than the actual people - but I never before thought of it as a way of trying to make up for other things. That is a more generous and kind view of the situation, and I will try to remember to include more compassion in my memories of Christmas with her.

Think of your daughter like a flame.  To burn, she needs a flammable material (wood, paper, cloth, etc.) and an actual spark.

For a long time, you were her spark.  But she's moved on and found something that seems to fit better.  And that's okay, at least you're somewhat removed from her endless need for attention and blaming.

But like any flame, the material eventually burns out...relationships fall apart from an all too familiar pattern.  Like she did with you, she moves on and needs a new spark to keep her flame burning.  Maybe that's you, or your husband, or someone completely new.  But there's always that need for the basic components of who she is.

For BPDs, the people they're closest to are also the people they have the most instability with.  Relationships come and go, only to return again when there's nobody left. So this definitely is not for forever and you can't take it personal...this happens to absolutely everyone in her life at some point. 

As soon as they become irreplaceable, that flame burns brighter and the material will inevitably burn up.

What as great update- I'm glad you've found some peace (and a puppy!).

I think it's common to ruminate about reaching out, and if there's an actual pressing need then I don't hesitate.  But the rest of the time, I ask myself if it's really necessary and usually find that the answer is "no".  I can get the same information from a family member and avoid all the potential drama.

Congrats again on starting to heal...and actually thrive?!?  It sounds like you're in a great spot.

I wanted to return to this community with an update and a heartfelt thank you. When I first found this board, I was overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and trying to make sense of years of painful dynamics with my sister wBPD. At the time, I was caring for my mother through the final stages of Parkinsons. As HCPOA and co-trustee, I had to make difficult decisions to protect her wellbeing, and my sister could not accept those decisions. The conflict, accusations, and emotional chaos became constant.

This board gave me something I desperately needed: clarity, understanding, and the validation that I was not alone. Reading the experiences of others with BPD family members helped me recognize patterns, reclaim my sense of reality, and begin untangling the guilt and confusion that had been building for years. Many of you helped me see that what I was going through was not my failure but a deeply complicated family dynamic. It’s good to see so many of the same participants still actively supporting the community as well as many new ones.

I stepped away from the board for a while to grieve. I needed space to process not only the loss of my mother, but the painful unraveling of my nuclear family as I made the decision to go no contact with my sister and her family. Because my parents were both only children, this was really walking away from everything.  I am so grateful for my husband, his family and our children as well as so many friends, who are my “chosen” family.  I needed to focus forward on what I had and not what I lost.

It has now been a year and a half. I am doing well. I have retired, adopted a puppy, started a new business and have more time to pursue hobbies, travel with my husband and be with my adult children. I miss my mom. I have found peace and joy in this next chapter.

…but I also miss my sister. I still think of her. She appears in my dreams, softer and more like the sister I always hoped she could be. Sometimes I wake up wanting to reach out. But I remind myself why I made the decision. I did not step away out of hate. I stepped away after years of trying, explaining, hoping, being repeatedly attacked, manipulated, mischaracterized, and hurt. Estrangement is not revenge. It is not selfish. I chose safety and protection. I chose healing over hurt and boundaries over burnout. Flipping my own script on this was so important in my journey.
Going no contact shouldn’t be the first option for many situations. I tried for years to work with my sister, especially because we were co-trustees and I wanted to support my mother with unity and compassion in her last chapter. I also hoped, perhaps naively, that after my mom passed, something might shift and open space for a healthier relationship. Instead, the opposite happened. Things deteriorated further, and the decision to go no contact became unmistakably clear.

If you are considering no contact, or if you have recently made that decision, especially as the holidays approach, please know this from my experience: no contact can be a pathway to healing. It does not mean you failed. It does not mean you stopped caring or are selfish. Sometimes it means you finally began caring for yourself.

To everyone here who supported me, taught me, and helped me see the truth of my situation, thank you. You helped me find solid ground again. And to anyone who is hurting or unsure right now, I hope my update offers clarity, hope or comfort. You each deserve peace too.

Hi there,

I understand your distress, especially during the holidays when you want to make family time special.  As for what to tell friends, I think you say something anodyne like, "We're having our usual family get-together."  If they specifically ask about your daughter, you can tell the simple truth:  "We don't know her plans yet," or maybe "She's doing her own thing this year," or maybe, "We'd love to see her."  As for Thanksgiving, every one of those statements is true in my case.  My BPD stepdaughter is invited to visit for Thanksgiving, but I have no idea if she will show up.  If she doesn't show up, then she made her own plans.  It's not unusual for young people to avoid hanging out with old fogeys anyway.

Another observation about my BPD stepdaughter is that she tends to be avoidant.  She doesn't like stress, and her tendency is to run away from it.  I think of this as the typical "flight" response in a trauma-based, fight or flight reaction.  Not communicating and not answering texts is her way of avoiding people.  She doesn't want to feel judged, and she doesn't want to take on any additional commitments, because they stress her out too much.  She doesn't want to tell her family what she's up to, because she probably feels they would disapprove.  She just can't handle the holidays, either.  It's too hard to see others be happy when she feels so down.  She can't handle the well-meaning questions from her relatives, like "How's school?" or "How's work?" or "Are you seeing anyone?" because she's embarrassed--she assumes everyone will judge her harshly.  Not only that, she's jealous of siblings and cousins who delight in updating us about their progress in academics, work and romantic pursuits.  Her way of coping is to avoid contact, even if it makes her feel alienated.  It's sad, but that's what she's most comfortable with.

As for gifts, I think I wrote previously that I will buy her a gift, and if she visits, I'll give it to her.  If she doesn't visit, then I'll put the gift aside and wait, or maybe I'll give it to someone else.  I don't risk mailing her a gift so as not to interrupt her time out, and not to "reward" her for remaining incommunicado while we are supporting her financially.

Just my two cents.

Thank you all for the responses. They are helpful. My husband has texted a couple of times over the past couple of weeks asking if she’d like to come here for the holidays, or go on a trip with us instead without any response. I’m trying to view this as her needing space. I’m telling myself perhaps it isn’t permanent. I’ve read somewhere(maybe here) that chasing someone with BPD who doesn’t want contact is like quicksand and can only make things worse. I definitely want to respect her needs as this seems like the only way to validate her since she is not speaking to us. I read in another page on estrangement that SHE chose to stop the relationship but that is not MY choice so I should send a gift and expect nothing but my question is for someone with BPD is sending a gift going to irritate her even more?  I’m trying to keep myself distracted but the tears come so easily. Today at the gym people are getting ready for the holidays, sharing their plans, etc. I barely made it to the car before the tears came. What do I tell people?  My daughter who I love wants nothing to do with me?  That I somehow made her feel so bad that she felt the need to cut me off?  Anyway, I’m  leaning towards sending a gift, but just not expecting a response?  Thanks for listening

I don't have spiraling conversations.  If I see it's going that route, I'll tell my BPD that I love her and I'm stepping away before either of us gets angry.  Not that I'm getting angry, but it's easier to say "we" than "you" to someone unstable.  Then I step away for a bit and pick up the conversation when things are calmer.


Your sister is mentally ill.  You claim that you're not and I believe you.  That means when things start to go sideways, it's up to the sane person in the room to not "take the bait" and get into an argument.  If my BPD wants to argue, I literally just walk away...and I'll try to tell them that I love them and I don't want to argue. 

But if that doesn't work, then I just walk away (or hang up the phone, whatever).


Boundaries are for you and only you can enforce boundaries.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or how they react to your boundaries; it's up to you each time to use them in a predictable way.

For instance, if I tell you that I won't speak to you if you say the word 'banana,' yet you say it to me three times fast mocking me.  I can't stop you and I shouldn't argue over what you decide to do- that's not the boundary part.  Instead, the boundary determines what I'll do if you don't respect what I'm asking you to do...so I walk away.

Now, if you make a boundary with your sister that you won't talk to her if she's arguing, then she's probably argue even more.  That brings us to the previous questions you asked, you simply stick to your boundaries and exit the conversation.  You can do that in a loving way though and it makes you very predictable- if she yells, you're retreating.

The way I explain it to my BPD is that my boundaries are for me, and she can decide to respect them or not.  I make it very well known though:
- If you yell at me, I'm leaving so everyone can calm down. 
- If you hit me (or anyone else) I'm dialing 9-1-1. 
- If you leave my house a mess, you're not welcome to stay here.

Here's the thing though; your sister is making all the decisions.  If she's nice, you talk things out.  If she's mean, you leave.  If she's violent, you call the cops.  Every action you take follows a very obvious set of rules that she knows about.  So it's not you doing this or that, it's her deciding what you'll do next. 

Every decision is ultimately hers; you're giving her all the power and just reacting accordingly.

My BPD daughter is a few years older than yours, and she's had numerous medical problems a girl in her 20"s shouldn't have to deal with.  Last year they removed her uterus due to extensive cysts on the ovaries, etc.  She's also had bad stomach problems throughout he late teens until now (she's 26).

Could there be a connection?  I'm not sure.  He younger sister or her mom hasn't had any of these issues, and there's no history on my side either.  It has always seemed very strange to me though and I wondered if there's a connection we wouldn't think about.

Frankly, I've stopped trying to deal with fundamental relationship issues with sib with BPD.  I protect my time.  I stop contact until yelling stops.  I validate when I can.  Things are much calmer and that's a miracle, so, it's not ideal, but it's enough.

This isn't about what you did and honestly, it's not about what she did either.  This is about a broken relationship with a broken young woman who can't process her feelings.

I don't fully understand- why do you have anxiety going on campus?  Is it the fear of seeing her?

Here's the thing- everything you've said, everything that bothers you, is her opinions.  But like others have said over and over, she's mentally ill and processes thoughts differently.  When she's stressed, she says whatever she feels in the moment, and she might not believe what she said 10 seconds ago.  She just said it to make herself feel better because she's mentally unstable.

For instance, I was hanging shelves the other day and dropped a hammer on my toes.  It hurt like mad and I said, "I hate this <beep beep> hammer!"  I normally don't cuss at all...but came right out of my mouth.

So I'll ask the question- do you think I actually hate my hammer?  Or did my emotions just get the better of me in the moment?

Your ex experiences life the same way, only metaphorical hammers are falling on her multiple times per day.  And when she gets in a disordered state, her thoughts and actions are all over the place as she tries to make sense of what's happening to her.  As you've said, she has self-reflected because this has happened multiple times.  But her conclusion that it's everyone's fault....it can't be just her!

The easy answer is that it's mental illness and she's sick.  Don't let her warped opinion of you change who you actually are.