I'm so sorry you are going through this. I got a knot in my stomach reading your story. My ex used to threaten me with police too. Admittedly I did inevitably lash out which seemed to have been her plan. You are a better man than I was.

I hope you get full custody.

I have set a boundary of not speaking to her when she gets mad or tries to force me to do what she says.
Even if I enforced that a few times successfully, it never solved anything, I just managed to get some breathing space before the next storm.

I also had just started enforcing a limit, I limited my time with her spending Monday to Friday in another house, as I worked from home and she constantly disturbed me throughout the day, preventing me from working, so I lost several jobs and my career got ruined eventually.

She also deprived me of sleep, that is why I started sleeping in this new house too.

She hated that after several warnings I actually moved to another house for weekdays, of course.

What happened this time was that she got madder and angrier with me refusing to do some things in our home routine in the way she wanted me to, I really believe the proper way was somehow else.

After me insisting I would not speak to her in this mood, she cornered me in a room, very angry, of course with very humiliating phrases, got closer and closer and when very close she put her arms up, to try to intimidate me with her physical presence.

I was telling her I was afraid of her and that I wanted her to leave us alone, our 3 year old toddler was behind my back all this time, hiding from her.

I then feared for the worse, and grabbed my phone and started recording video.
After some more screams she attacked me, grabbed my hand and my phone and threw it against the wall.
The video caught this.

I was already recording audio before that.

This left scratch marks in my hand, with light bleeding.

I managed to grab my phone again and started recording again, insisting on her leaving us alone.

She then told me I had 10 minutes to leave the house else she would call the police for me. What would she tell them I don't know, but she could just say she wanted me out of the house and probably they would have taken me to the police station at minimum.

So I left, am somewhere else now, filed a police report including the audio, video, and picture of my scratches.

I was already afraid of her, now I am very afraid of her.

I also feel very sad, as physical violence was the line I drew for divorce, and we had talked about this several times over the years, that we both had this line, that we would leave the other if the other had hit.
Yet she did it.
Systematically and progressively violating every limit I had.

I'm in the middle of the book "Stop caretaking for the BP...", so far it said that if abuse happened, most likely the only path forward is without that spouse.

My sadness comes mainly from my shattered dream of having a happy family, wife and kids in the same house.
We even had plans for a second kid of ours after some time.

But I have to look at her, how she actually is, right now, right in front of my eyes, and how she got worse over the years, instead of my dreamed up version of her where she is what I want or suddenly becomes what I want.
She hit me.

I know I can try again with a new wife eventually, but still this saddens me too much.
I really love being with my toddler every day.
This pains me the most. That I will no longer be with my kid daily.

Hi!  I had to jump on your story!  Quick version, my 25 y/o daughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was 21 years old....I researched EVERYthing, etc.; I "was" her "favorite" person (which, I have since learned, is not a great place to be!) a few months into this, she told me I was "enabling" her (doing all of the things she asked me TO do, like hide her pills, sleep over, many etc.) and she needed "space"; a couple days after that she said, "do you know why I am like this" (no!) and proceeded to say, "because I worked all the time & was never there for her" (I researched NOT to argue with BPD, just try to facilitate the conversation" but, I said, "I cannot apologize for working" (I know, in my heart, I WAS always there for my kids, though, I cannot deny working aLOT and strange hours (a Management position), after that, things went quickly downhill, I have been accused of being toxic, abusive (I have NEVER, ever laid on hand on my kids) and have not "seen" my daughter for nearly 4 years; we were texting quite a bit, but, my last round of holiday texts were never answered; (it sounds like I am "non-chalant" about this, I have just talked about it SO much, that I am rather immune to the whole situation); she cut ties with her father, (he got the biggest brunt of this, he was the "first" to go", her sister, her beautiful nieces; I found a therapist who specializes in "parents of adult children with BPD" and my daughter (another odd twist, b/c she DESPISED my mother) is closer to my Mom, who shares information with me, so, I know I am lucky in that regard....until than, I just keep on keeping on (I text on holidays, birthdays, and leave gifts for her, with my mom); I am VERY sorry that YOU are going through this....BPD seems to be a beast; feel free to reach out, if you like!

It may help to take an objective look at these behaviors. All behaviors persist because somehow, there's a payoff or benefit to them. It's how all living creatures operate- with positive or negative reinforcements for behaviors.

PwBPD have difficulty with their own emotions and so project them on to others, other situations. The anger episodes, dissociative rages, serve a purpose, to get these emotions out. After they are out, there is also a period of calm and relative clarity. These are the times where she appears able to recocile, apologize, make things better.

These are the times you feel more hopeful, inclined to discuss the situation, seek some reconciliation. IMHO I would not tell her "how much she's hurt you". This, with my BPD mother, would trigger shame in her. Shame feel intolerable, and she'd disssociate into a rage. It's worth saying this to someone who is capable of managing their feelings- as it might lead to understanding, but when someone is not and they dissociate from it, it doesn't change anything because they can not process it. You know how much your wife can or can not manage hearing this but my BPD mother could not.

The pwBPD may feel a sense of relief after an episode but those of us who also experienced this do not. However, the pwBPD may feel better, act nicer and so there's the all is well idea and do not bring up what happened assumption.

You have been helping to manage your wife's feelings for her for a long time. Your recent change in how much you do that has led to what is known as an extinction burst. To try to get you back to doing what helped before is a normal behavioral response. Your task is to maintain your changes through this.

Also sorry to hear your BPDx has not taken the many chances that must have occurred these last 38 years to turn things round...

Thank you, Under the Bridge. In fact some long held plans and dreams have turned out quite beautifully, and it's a very special time. I know this couldn't happen with the dishonest deadweight that was uBPDx demanding all my effort and attention. I'm sad for what they did (and sometims quite horrified and dusgusted). But I'm happy it's turned out as it has.

I’ve had several dBPDexs and mostly they do come back.  I noticed the ones where I caught them cheating red handed or saw too many of their secrets were more likely to do a hard discard and never come back after that, but that was usually after several rounds of break ups and getting back together.  I only had 1 out of probably 5 I’ve been involved with who did a hard discard on the first breakup, but even she would show up and see what I was up to occasionally without interacting with me directly (at the same social events, etc) before she finally disappeared from my life forever, but it was obvious she wanted
me to chase after her so she could ruthlessly discard me again and fortunately I didn’t take the bait.  The others were a lot nicer, they at least tried to be cordial in the end and provide some form of closure, although the BPD version of closure is not very satisfying at all.

I’m glad it only took you one iteration of “touching the hot stove” to learn your lesson and never do it again.  Its possible to lose years to these breakups if you let the threads connect very deeply.   

After my last relationship that ended it took me a solid year to start feeling like my old self again.  Also in the process of trying to understand what had happened, I learned that two other of my exes had been diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional since the time I had been with each of them.   

One was the loyal non-cheating variety that smothers you by needing constant attention (is this the “waif”?) but the other was the sultry cheating type.  Its definitely the sultry cheating ones that did the most damage, with the waif the break up wasn’t that bad, but when she would get triggered she knew how to absolutely cut me to pieces (verbally) the sultry vixens tend to discretely sneak off to have their hookups.

Inner Peace,

She’s doing this on purpose. 

You did well to take the high road and not have any negative reaction.

I would approach it a wee bit differently again.

I would save my energy and reply to people who are kind and friendly and who genuinely care about you. Those are the people who deserve your attention and connection.

In this case, do you think it makes sense to “not” reply? I wouldn’t reply.  Ignore it.  Don’t give her any reaction at all.  Any reply will give her satisfaction, and reinforce her behavior.  You run the risk of continuing to get these annoying texts that being hurt at being excluded.

If you ignore it and she doesn’t get a response, she doesn’t get rewarded for sending it.  If she sends enough of them with no response, she will stop because it’s just not worth her time to send out emails she doesn’t get a reply to.

Ask yourself, what do you think her intention was for sending you this? Why would she send you a pic of an event you weren’t invited to? Who does this?

Good to hear you're doing so well.  It's very hard to get over probably the most emotional and tense relationship we'll ever experience but once you do, then nothing will ever seem as bad.

After my own BPD experience I was able to date and, if I even suspected anything remotely BPD about a new romance I would end it but not have any hurt or worry like with the first BPD relationship. Never get back on that treadmill again

Yes, it can put you on your guard but I always give people a fair chance and we should always remember that there's more nice ones than bad ones out there.

Most important lesson to learn is.. 'when the many red flags appear. act on them' and don't ignore them like we did first time round, hoping things would get better.

Best wishes - keep getting out there with a healthy, positive attitude as I find good things happen when you least expect them