What you wrote really resonated. I like how you’re looking at the beliefs underneath why we stay, not just the chaos itself. One thing I’ve learned though is that insight alone doesn’t break the pattern. The real shift starts showing up in the small choices we make today… boundaries, detaching a little sooner, letting consequences land. Keep writing-it sounds like you’re starting to see your story more clearly.

That kind of jump from a normal moment into accusations and divorce threats can be really disorienting. A lot of us here know that feeling. When the accusations feel unfair, it’s very human to want to explain yourself.

From what you wrote, it sounds like the underwear wasn’t really the issue. Once fear gets triggered, the mind can build a whole story around something small.

It sounds like you stayed relatively calm and didn’t match the intensity, which isn’t easy in the moment. Sometimes the best outcome is simply getting through the storm without things escalating further.

Hi again,

OK you certainly might benefit from learning skills.  One good one that works for me is to "gray rock," meaning I remain as calm, still and boring as a gray rock, and don't I get sucked into conversations when emotions are running high.  The idea is that when emotions are running high, he's not really listening anyway, and the negative emotions hijack his thought process.  By not "engaging," I'm not adding fuel to the emotional fire, and I'm not perpetuating the circular arguments.

Another related skill is not to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain--when emotions are running high.  The same premise applies as when you gray rock.

Similarly, I think of a dysregulation as an emotional rollercoaster.  I let the pwBPD get on the rollercoaster, but I choose not to ride alongside them.  Instead, I wait calmly at the exit until they get off, because I just don't like rollercoaster rides.

These tools collectively might be thought of as "adult time outs."  Mostly the adult time out is for the pwBPD, but honestly it works for me too.  I get some time to calibrate my response (if any).  I try to remain "calm, cool and collected" CC43.  Sometimes it's easier said than done.  My advice?  Try not to interrupt the time out.  Let him approach you when he's ready.  Don't "beg" for communication or a response from him, because "begging" is emotionally charged, and could be understood as an admission of guilt.  In my opinion, when you reach out preemptively, when you check in with him, it could "dignify" his poor behavior, and "reward" him with your attention. If he's still off his rocker when he approaches you, just let him go back into the adult time out.  You can invent an excuse if necessary, without projecting blame (I'm at an appointment, now's not a good time for this conversation, bye.)

But for these skills to work, I think you need to be in the right headspace first.  To do that, first you have to recognize that you're not at fault, you're not to be blamed or held responsible for your son's problems, no matter how hard he tries to convince you otherwise.  You also have to admit that you can't FIX your son--only he can do that.  You are not responsible for his feelings--he is.  You need to get out of the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  Right now the FOG is probably making you not see things as clearly as you could.  Once you get out of the FOG, I think it's easier to apply the skills.  In a way, I might be "lucky," because the pwBPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter.  Since I married her dad when she was about to start college, perhaps I don't feel "responsible" for her upbringing, let alone guilty or burdened by a sense of obligation for not giving her the childhood she wanted. 

My other general advice for parents is to double-down on self-care when feeling stressed out.  For me that includes eating clean, daily exercise and getting sleep.  I'm not a great sleeper, so the first two--diet and exercise--are even more important for me, to set me up for the restful sleep I need.  On top of that, self-care for me includes finding balance in my life.  I can't let BPD dysfunction ruin my life for me, I don't deserve it.  So I make a point to practice my hobbies (for example walking outdoors, sewing, reading and learning languages), as well as connect with friends and extended family.  I actually make a point to be a good role model for the pwBPD of what a healthy adult's life looks like.  In my house I'm generally the one to make fun plans (a ski outing, trip to the beach, going to a concert).  It just seems easier to handle BPD when I'm in a happier mindset, and when I have a full and meaningful life.  Then dealing with BPD seems to be a more minor, temporary disruption, not my entire life.  And I avoid feelings of resentment, grief, anger, powerlessness, manipulation, financial exploitation, etc.--at least I try to avoid feeling that way.  Does that make sense?

This is a typical pattern, no one wants to look bad in public scenarios.  But people with BPD traits (pwBPD) make the contrast (public versus private behavior) so much more distinct by relaxing their efforts by "letting their hair down", in other words, venting on those in more private close relationships.


Your DIL ought to be informed that family court systems seldom are concerned about seeking a diagnosis, apparently treating litigants as people who are just bickering, more or less.  Court has learned they too can't find success by ordering counseling or long term therapy.  What court does is set firm boundaries called orders.  While your son didn't see you nor his wife as an Authority to be respected, family court is The Authority, though a very reluctant, passive and slow-moving one.

Family court generally focuses on documentation and evidence.  (We are advised to have a similar perspective... document the facts.)  Mostly, court seems to ignore matters older than six months before filing, presumably taking the stance that if they had been serious incidents, they would have been brought to the court's attention long before now.


Kudos to your DIL and her counselor!  Since you're looking for a counselor too, maybe her counselor can offer a few referrals for you to try?  (Of course, don't share with your son how you went about finding your counselor.)

Progress with joint counseling depends on cooperation, dragging an unwilling spouse won't succeed.  It can be attempted but be prepared that it may not work.  Sorry.


Feel free to browse and read our extensive history of posts and replies.  Surely among them you will find comments that can be applied to your situation.

Also we have a variety of other boards here focused on various themes.  How about starting with the Tools and Skills workshops board linked here?

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.   It helps me climb down off the ledge.   I am learning to scope in my long-range thinking to just one day at a time.  It's nice to talk to, and hear from, people who 'get' BPD.

Hi there,

Good for you for planning ahead and getting your life in order before filing for divorce.  I think I remember your story, and I probably remarked, if you think your wife is difficult now, just wait until she learns of the divorce.  My gut tells me the reaction won't be good.

I'm writing because your title states you plan to TELL your volatile BPDw that you are divorcing.  I think it might be unwise to tell her while you're alone with her, because of how she might react--she could boil over and accuse you of assualt.  I think if I were in your situation, I'd just leave the house and then have someone officially serve her the papers.  I have a family member who basically did just that--completely moving out of the marital home in secret, leaving her young kids in my care while she moved out her stuff one morning with the help of a moving crew, and hiring lawyers to start the divorce process.  Her disordered partner was prone to wild outbursts, and he would threaten her with leathal weapons, especially when under the influence.  I'm not a lawyer, but serving papers would officially start the divorce process; otherwise your wife could try to ignore the whole thing.  But my sense is that she'll be apoplectic.

I'd say, you need to prioritize taking care of yourself and protecting your kid(s), both physically and financially, over any sense of obligation to be "nice" and "fair."  My guess is that you have spent years, if not decades, trying to be Mr. Nice and Fair, in the name of "saving" your family and appeasing your wife.  But now you have to put yourself first, for your future's sake and that of your kid(s).  You might think of it as a "professional" separation--by the book, following the rules, corresponding only through lawyers and a co-parenting app, to minimize any drama.  Look, being compassionate and compromising just hasn't worked in your relationship, and I bet you feel some grief there.  Since your BPDw isn't cooperative, you need the legal system to intervene; my sense is that a mediator won't work.  I'd say, let the legal system do its work.  I think you have to assume your BPDw is going to be irrational, uncooperative and explosive.  She might not be, and that would be great, but I think right now you have to assume the most likely scenario and act accordingly.  If you think of it as a "professional" separation, maybe that will help you push aside the feelings of guilt and fear, and think as rationally as possible.  Does that make sense?

I'm not sure if you have mentioned this previously, but a co-parenting app can help minimize direct contact with your disordered wife.  Basically all the logistics around your kid(s) needs, activities, education, healthcare, etc. are managed through the app, which keeps a record of all written interactions and shares information in a neutral manner.  That helps establish a paper trail when it comes to the care of your kid(s), should your wife have joint custody or visitation.

In addition, if your wife has access to "your" money, I'd advise, don't assume she doesn't know how to get at it and take it.  I find that pwBPD might feign incompetence (e.g. with banking apps), only to turn around and then withdraw funds quickly and easily when they need to.  I think sometimes they feign incompetence in order to get others to take care of them, a little bit like a kid, because they crave that.  But at the end of the day, I think they are more competent than they let on.

Just my two cents.  Wishing you the best.

I would move funds out of her reach ***before*** you tell her anything.

In my own experience, BPDxw tried looting all our accounts after telling me that we were getting divorced.  Apparently she thought that if she took all our money, I couldn't hire an attorney and file.  And remember: SHE told me we were getting divorced the day before.

She wasn't able to get money out of our kid's accounts though because of a bank oversight that left her name off them.  So I had enough to pay the retainer and file.

she tried to loot everything while I was at work. She should've also been at work, but for her, all responsibilities went out the door once she went into "panic mode"

The lack of long term planning was evident here: "I hold all tje money, so you have to stay married to me."  LOL... what the hell kind of relationship did she think that would make going forward?

Hi campbembpd,

I admire you for having all of the energy and disposition to do this secretly while still pretending to be cooperative with her. However, it seems like there is one big mistake that you're about to make.

Like ForeverDad said, you should be ready for total havoc to happen after she gets to know your plans. Giving yourself the paperwork for her is likely to put yourself at risk. You should be prepared for the worst reactions, and that could include literally putting the house on fire. But the easiest path is to physically attack you and then call the police on you, claiming you have done domestic violence, and then get you removed.

Are you expecting anything different from that? Are you expecting her to cooperate and just sign the papers? Well, most likely, cooperation only happens when your spouse finds herself completely out of options and about to see the worst, such as losing custody of kids. But yet it will still not be worth it to make any dal, because she is most likely not going to comply with whatever you have agreed on. You should expect to be painted black and be turned into her target.

The interesting thing is that you probably already know all of what I just said, but unconsciously you might be expecting something different? Think about it; what are you expecting to happen? Some sort of miracle? Would you wish she would change, saving you from going through with the divorce? In these moments, you should try to let go of hopes like this, which can't be justified.

If by any chance you want to save the marriage, you must first create a situation in which she cooperates with the separation, like I did, making her run out of options and taking advantage of the fact that she also has hopes in the relationship.

On the other hand, if you don't want to save it, then just make sure everything is handled to her by an officer, preferably a police officer. Make sure you and your stuff are safe, and the kids don't get involved.

You are truly amazing to take on so many at-risk children.  I'm sure you tried your very best, and you should remember that.  But for adult relationships to work, both people need to work at it.  It's sad to say, but my guess is that your daughter has given up on herself.  She can't see anything good in her life--her talents, her adoptive family, her education, the access to therapists who were trying to help her.  My guess is that you tried everything possible to get your daughter help, but she wouldn't cooperate, at least for the time being.  Even though she didn't try hard enough, you did--you went above and beyond, probably to the detriment of your own health and happiness, you tried that hard.  That's not nothing.

My guess is that you are blessed with a loving heart, you are adept at dealing with difficult people, and you are extremely empathetic.  That could be your superpower gift.  But you need to give yourself some grace too.  Maybe once you find yourself in a happier place, you'll see that you did your best, and that it was enough. 

Yes, over-responsibility is a thing with me.  Boundaries! 

 I've always been willing to fall on a sword when things go wrong.  I feel guilty that daughter #4's BPD prevented us from dealing with daughter #5's addiction, that we had to make a Sophie's choice. I've felt guilty that we had to put Son #3 back into foster care, 6 years after we adopted him, because we couldn't manage his Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I beat myself up that we did the best we could for these kids, and it wasn't enough.  I beat myself up that we took on too much. 

I grieve that none of our friends or family could relate to any of the bizarre things we went through.

I do believe, though, that these kids had the best possible chance in life they could have had.   It just wasn't enough.