In much of your post I note that you've repeatedly tried appeasement.  Sadly, most here have found that you can never appease a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) enough.  It seems appeasing just enables more problematic behavior.

Separation is one way to avoid much of the conflict but there are at least a couple downsides to that.

One is that distance apart may tend to make you feel the other is getting better when they are in fact unchanged.  BPD is a disorder most impacting to the closest of relationships.  People on the periphery can notice something is "off", shrug and move on with their life.  It's totally different if you are a spouse, sibling or child.  Close relationships are the most triggering and the most impacted.

Another is that being separated still leaves you connected by marriage.  Financial complications can result, especially if the other is irresponsible in finances.

It may seem hopeless but the fact is that you are in the midst of a bad situation.  Try to look positively, step outside the box and view your life from another's objective perspective.  A couple ideas...

• If you had a friend come to you and explain his life is like yours, what would you objectively tell him?
• Imagine yourself 5 or 10 years from now... what would you look back and advise the today you to change?

Well, overall, I'd say it sounds like you're in a pretty lousy relationship.  I take it that if you want a chance to heal, you're looking for a way out (?) or considering ending it?  Why do you feel trapped? 

My husband went off  his one med he was told he needed to
The nurse said we never said that
Due to like u said all the risks involved
I guess he took it well but due to I have him blocked and he wants to talk I don’t know. .
Dr said same thing he is competent and can do what he wants
Primary dr    he took me off everything
But like my daughter and I talking the past year even on this med he was giving us signs of he needs something eles .
When time come to tell him this he won’t do it.
And I can’t deal with it any more never cried yet
More sad about my animals .

Well, I didn't have this exact situation, but I did hear this phrase, or some variation of it, several times during my marriage: "You knew I was like this when you married me!" and this was in the context of me saying "stop doing X" or "I don't like when you do X."  Her statement, as I understood it, meant that I had to accept her problematic behavior and she was not going to change it, i.e. if I didn't like it, I shouldn't have married her.  Ultimately, I saw this as another form of blame shifting on her part: attempting to dodge responsibility for her behavior by putting it on me.

Now, to be fair, my XW was not diagnosed, only saw a therapist a few times during our marriage, and before she stopped going told me that her therapist said she was "fine" and that I was likely the problem, and was generally in denial that there was anything wrong with her or her behavior... "all couples fight" she liked to say, during the occasions she wasn't blaming me for it.  So that's quite unlike your situation.

I think in your case, her admission could be admirable for being open with you like that, but only time will tell.  If or when she does have a "volatile episode" you'll have to see how it goes.  Is she able to genuinely apologize for her behavior and move on?  Or will she attempt shift blame from herself to you or one of your kids? 

Until you really experience BPD, i.e. see what a "volatile episode" from her entails, you can't know whether you're able to tolerate it in the long term. 

It's not really fair for someone w/BPD to say to their partner "you knew I was like this when you married me" and hold them to that, because it's impossible to truly convey to a person how something like BPD will be to experience ahead of time.  It's not like saying "I play golf every Saturday" and letting them decide whether they can accept that or not.

Hi there,

I recently went through something similar in my family.  A family member decided to stop taking her meds (for high blood pressure) because of an upcoming medical procedure (dental work).  As a result, she had a medical emergency, was rushed to the hospital for treatment, and sure enough she was told she needed to take her medications as prescribed.  She might have mistakenly thought the meds would have some sort of adverse reaction after her procedure, that she didn't need the meds anymore, or whatever.  We asked why she didn't call her doctor or pharmacist to ask questions, but she couldn't explain it.  She just decided to stop her meds.

The moral of the story is that she's not entirely mentally equipped to handle her own health care, but she's not really prepared to sign over authority to a loving family member, either.  The takeaway is that we have to remain vigilant, but also that she's going to do whatever she wants, and that's a tricky situation to be in, for as long as she's considered competent to make her own decisions.

Well it’s me again
 ubpd found out yesterday that his surgery has to be postpone he wasn’t suppose to be taken off med . You think

No worries whatsoever.  We have lots of visitors here and I merely wanted clarity to others that this site is for us and, to a great extent, our refuge.

I walk around with a copy of a Mother’s Day card in which she was very affectionate. I told her when this latest splitting episode occurred that she was bastardizing me in order to justify her bad behavior towards me. Telling her that while she is in that state didn’t help but it is the only way I can describe what she does. I am as her adoptive Mom the recipient of the most harshest insults and degrading language. She doesn’t have these intense feelings of anger towards her living birth father. I think in part because he is incapable of caring about what she says. Her mother died when she was seven and she only briefly expressed anger that her mother left her behind. (Her birth mom died of a heart attack at a young age due to drug abuse related heart disease.)

I wish she would work on herself harder. She has access to mental health care but she doesn’t apply herself to the process. At this time, I cannot see a way back towards her. The bad mouthing online is nothing new by the way. It’s her go to way of “getting back at me”. She does know she has anger issues. I have described her as getting angry with the heat of a thousand suns. She herself has told people that she gets angry with the heat of a thousand suns. So there’s occasional insight I guess.

Hello, I am not even sure where this post belongs, as it touches on many points. First, I have known my wife for 9 years, we have been married for 3. Summer of 2024 is when things really started to go south. Out of the blue, my wife starts accusing me of cheating on her with my counseling clients. Telling me that I go visit them, stalk them, and download photos of them to fantasize about. I am double neurodivergent and the one hill I will die on is defending myself when I know I am right. I have since learned, all that did was make me look more guilty. Same with providing evidence or reasons that showed my innocence. In her eyes, that just made me more guilty. My wife claims my natural neurodivergent behaviors - difficulty looking people in the eyes, paralysis when triggered, plus feel anxious and nervous because I already knew she would simply tell me I am guilty of whatever she feels I am guilty of with no possible way that I could be innocent.

She got violent in the past and that is the primary reason why we are estranged and live apart. Ever since I did that, it has been a non-stop deluge of assuming I am cheating every minute of the day. I have offered to put tracking devices on my phone, car, a vid cam for my car so she can see where I go, share my google timeline with her so she can verify where I am and have been, and put accountability software on all my electronic devices so she would know I am not doing what she thinks I am doing. She categorically rejected everything and said that I must know how to "hack" the gps devices, my google time, the accountability software, etc., all because I worked customer service once at AT&T, in her mind that means I know how to manipulate electronic devices and erase data, which I do not.

She already had a history of severe betrayal trauma when I met her. I thought if I could make her feel safe that she would know she could trust me. I feel like all that did was make her anxiety and insecurity worse. I would talk with her about things like gaslighting and darvo - I specialzied in the treat ment of sex addiction and these were things I commonly had to deal with, and she now weaponizes them against me. If I disagree, she gets angry, tells me I am gaslighting her, and starts to get increasingly more angry when I stand my ground. When I explain that she is actually gaslighting me by  trying to force me to accept her narrative of events and it is not so much that she doesn't believe me, I am not allowed to have an opinion different from hers or I am gaslighting her and that is when the problems really begin.

some people might wonder why I am still in the relationship. I don't know how to let go of her and I don't want to be alone. I still love her but love isn't enough. There was a time when she accused me of cheating, I defended myself, and she later said what I was supposed to do was apologize - for something I didn't do, hold her, tell her I am sorry and that it will never happen again. When you accuse a person on the spectrum of being dishonest, they will die on that heal proving their innocence. She also found a bunch of my old journals and this is where I realized she also has some pretty severe retroactive jealousy.

I used to love going to coffee shops. not anymore. she ruined it. she once saw that I had a crush on a barrista at a coffee shop about 20 years before we ever met. She combined that with the belief that I stalk people and started telling me that I go to coffee shops to have sex with men, stalk the barristas, snap photos of people - to fantasize to later. All because I once had a crush on a barrista, that must be the reason I went to coffee shops was to harrass and stalk people. She also learned I had previously been to strip clubs - before I met her - and she reacted like i was doing that in real time. I mistakenly said once the only time you would see my phone location anywhere near a strip club is the one we pass on the freeway to get to her parents.

She took that and said so that is where you go act out. Thus, in addition to cheating on her with clients, i was going to strip clubs everyday. We had 2 bunnies that needed lettuce everyday. I would run to the store at night, usually took about 30 minutes. mind you, the strip club in question was 15 minutes from where we lived, but in the 30 minutes i was gone, I must have gone to the strip club, had a lap dance, and then came home.

mostly, she complains about how I took her husband away from her and it wasn't fair what I did to her. She of course won't get counseling. Since I am a counselor, she decided all counselors were assholes who were not trustworthy. We likely have a trauma bonded relationship and we both hang on for most likely unhealthy reasons. I thought that if I physically removed myself, she would see everything I did for her and realize I am not the monster she makes me out to be. All it seems to have done is convinced her that I am acting out non-stop and cheating on her. She says she can read my thoughts and body language as proof of guilt. When I explain that I am on edge because she doesn't believe me, she tells me I am wrong and that my body language indicates I am guilty of whatever she decides at that moment.

She doesn't understand why I get upset when she starts asking me the same questions she has asked a thousand times before, "who are you dating", "who have you had coffee with", "how have you been acting out", "oh, you just got paid so you are definitely acting out" and then no matter what I say, the answer is I am guilt and a lying sack of _____.

She also doesn't understand that I use language with specificity, precision, and intention. an example. I struck up a friendship with a guy at the club I worked out at. We both went to soak and started talking about spirituality. We met once for coffee. This was never a dating relationship. I once said I had seen this person less and less as in literally, I have not had interactions or seen this person at the club as much as I previously had. She took that line to mean that I was having sex with him and then she became convinced I was a closeted gay person and was using her to "look normal".

I know that most likely this relationship will never be salvageable, I just needed to vent. It isn't as easy as divorcing her, neither of us can afford attorneys, her family won't support her, she also has some significant health issues that she can't work, and I did make a promise to support her. She questions everything I tell her and honestly, I don't think there is anything else I can do to try and salvage this relationship.

I felt like I had struck gold when we met. She seemed to genuinely care about me and seemed like a nice person. She took care of me, wanted to make sure I looked my best when leaving the house, etc. Above all, she has never stopped to consider how her violence impacted me and she is confused as to why I have trouble relaxing and why I don't always want to spend time with her.

We had actually been having a better relationship of late and we were intimate this week. When I didn't pick up on her cues - once again autistic - she took that as I didn't care for her and then the questions started and I had to leave because of how angry I was starting to get. There is only so much you can take of being accused of being a liar.

I don't think I will ever want to have anothe relationship ever again. At this point, I just want peace and a chance to heal.

This is something I am aware of. She was adopted by me at 14 and had a very chaotic early upbringing in which she was shuffled off to various people. Knowing what I know about her normally protects me from the behaviors and remarks but I am feeling my own loss right now. I will keep myself moving forward the best I can. My grief is very fresh.