It makes total sense to walk away, and I'd do so with a stranger or someone I don't care about. But when you're so enmeshed with these people you almost feel like you need to clear things up, which never works. I've tried the whole 'I'm not willing to discuss something that didn't happen' and walk away. But that would blow up to, into me not taking accountability and being 'abusive'. Then she would consult her friend about my abuse I was then recommended, by both of them to read 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'.

To which I said no. Me reading that due to her lies and exaggerations means I accept that I'm angry, controlling and abusive. In my sarcastic ways, I asked her to read books on her mental health disorders, which to her was abusive of me to ask.

In addition to getting blamed for things that I hadn't actually done, I would also get accused of doing - or planning to do - a thing that she supposedly dreamed about (typically cheating). 

The first time I heard that, I laughed, thinking it was no big deal.  "I had a dream you cheated on me."  That's funny, right?  No grown adult could be that much of an idiot to conflate a dream with reality right?  Wrong.

This would sometimes lead to a day of silent treatment because I didn't react *exactly* how she wanted to reassure her that her "dream" was not "ESP" or whatever pseudo-scientific, psycho-babble she claimed.  "It's a sign that deep down inside I know you're going to cheat and don't love me"

Her obsession with me cheating begs the obvious question of whether she ever did & this was all projection on her part.  I don't know.  I never had any clear evidence of it, but did she have opportunities?  Sure, especially after she went back to work.  Around this same time in our relationship though was when I first learned about BPD when some suggested she fit the diagnostic criteria of it.  And I was in the process of some "radical acceptance" as I was mentally processing all this and looking for some objective points to hold to as I decided on whether I would stay in the marriage and work on it, or get out.  Ultimately, I decided not to agonize over whether she cheated.  I was already miserable enough as it was, and didn't want to add to that.  I told myself if she did cheat and I found out, or found evidence, I would be done with the marriage immediately; that would make it an easier decision. 

It was easier to adopt this laissez faire attitude toward infidelity because after around 4 years of being on the receiving end of BPD-treatment, I was done.  Any sense of affection was replaced by resentment over how she treated me, and how she treated my family members.   

Note that, even after our divorce was finalized, she didn't drop the accusations of infidelity.  she still kept telling my daughter that I cheated on her.  I had a long talk with my daughter about it, around a year ago because she wanted to know if that was true (she hinted up front she didn't believe her mom anymore), and why we got divorced.  I told her that I never cheated, but her mom was always accusing me of it.  She said her mom was constantly doing that to her boyfriend (now husband), and so I think that helped her see that it wasn't me! 

This is making me really curious about why there's such a link between BPD, (or at least someone with strong-BPD characteristics who is otherwise undiagnosed), and a general helplessness/laziness/lack of responsibility (or whatever you want to call it) with respect to basic needs & everyday tasks.

Is it just that their emotionally stunted & underdeveloped brains make them like overgrown toddlers in everyday life as well... i.e. unable to perceive that things need to be done and do them?  Like they can look at a sink full of dirty dishes, be the only adult in the home, and not understand that the burden is on them to clean them up before things get moldy and disgusting?  

OR is it pure selfishness that drives them to have physical and household tasks done for them, just as they put the burden of their emotional needs on others?  Like they can look at that sink of dirty dishes and think "If I refuse to do the dishes, someone else will have to, and I can reach into my bag of 'dirty BPD tricks' to apply a little extra 'motivation' for them if needed" (e.g. blame someone else for the mess, scream "YOU NEVER CLEAN UP AROUND HERE I DO  EVERYTHING" at the partner who indeed always cleans up around there, break down and cry that there's too much to do and emotionally blackmail the partner into doing it, etc.)

Some of the things I observed are so self-serving that it's hard to dismiss them as part of a behavioral disorder... like just a complete refusal to clean bathrooms, make the bed EVER, bear half the burden of everyday household tasks without complaining, or let their partner sit and relax for a second if there's something that they need done.  So it seems to me it's closer to the latter.

I don't think the lack of eating is a desire to be fed.  There may a subconscious desire to be cared for, as she often complains about doctors or nursing staff having "poor bedside manner", but I don't see it that way.  She wants her nurses to be sympathetic and like a mother.  I just want them to be competent and do their job. 

I think she has a genuine fear of ordering the wrong thing or eating thing and getting judged or ridiculed for it, and that shuts her down.  My guess is she got ridiculed growing up for what she chose to eat and fears others making comments.  Generally, she obsesses over what others may think or say about her behind her back.  Obsesses to the point she can't function otherwise.

Such as:  She quit her job in the middle of the day yesterday.  Since then, she has obsessed about what her coworkers are saying, her former managers, her former students, the student's parents...  I tell her that she quit - she doesn't have to think about those people any more.  Yet all night long, obsessing about what they might be thinking or saying.  She can't focus on anything else right now. 

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're in this position.  I can't imagine what you've been through and you've had so much patience over the past year or so.  My situation was similar (my wife left for another man), but I can't imagine her wanting to move back home after thoroughly destroying our household, our finances, and our family.

Please keep us updated! 

I dont have much to add to everyone else's comments, but I will say that you almost perfectly described the relationship with my daughter from 18ish to about 23.  We kicked her out too, and we said that she could come home if she'd follow a few common sense rules.  After two years, she came home for 2 or 3 weeks, then she was right back out.  And we said the exact same thing, it was her choice.

Fast forward a few years and my daughter went through an ugly, bitter breakup.  She took advantage of her best friend and her partner, trying to play them against each other, and they both cut her off.  It WRECKED HER and she asked me to pick her up and bring her to a treatment facility.  Within the next year, her life completely changed as she began to take therapy seriously.  Today at 27, her therapist has talked about ending appointments because she feels my kid is in full remission and doesn't need therapy anymore.

I just wanted to say that I've been exactly where you're at, facing the exact dilemnas.  Let her be comitted!  Let her try to manipulate the system and let it all crash down around her!  The more pressure she's under, especially in a heavily controlled environment like in-house therapy, the more likely she takes it serious and begins to change her life.

Everything else you talked about is pure manipulation and it's evil.  But that's how desperate she is to force everyone else to bend to her will.  Your response should be exactly the same as if I made those threats towards your husband or a stranger you saw in the mall....serious stuff deserves a serious response. 

Do not walk on eggshells and if she threatens harm/self harm, dial 9-1-1 and report it immediately.  If she is a threat to herself or others, she'll go under a manditory phych hold in the USA.  And while that's often a joke of a process, it sends a very clear message that threats or manipulation are not okay.  So let her learn that.

Good luck to you- hopefully my kid's story gave you a bit of hope.  She's literally a different person today and we are so thankful!

Indeed, I've seen something similar with my disordered brother-in-law, and also with the pwBPD in my life--not only concerning food, but with other self-care routines that most of us take for granted.  Things like cleaning the home, attending to one's health (medical / dental appointments), taking care of laundry/dressing appropriately, being responsible for bills, home mainetnance, etc.

I think Notwendy has a good point, that part of the issue is the emotional need to feel cared for.  But I'd add that there are probably some deficits in executive function and general life skills as well.  Part of the deficit is not having the scaffolding of a regular routine; in this case, we're dealing with the healthy routine of getting three square meals a day.  Most parents teach their kids that they should have breakfast in the morning, lunch mid-day and dinner in the evening, and be sure to eat some fruits, vegetables and protein before any sweets.  Right?  Sticking to a normal routine means that people generally get the fuel and nutrition they need, while the schedule fits into normal patterns and societal expectations, such as school and the workplace.  Most people come to realize that if they skip a meal, they get too hungry, so it's best to stick to the routine as much as possible.  And they learn to read their body's physical cues, like, it must be dinnertime, because my stomach is grumbling. 

What I've noticed with pwBPD and NPD is that routines tend to fall apart, because WANTS trump NEEDS.  Reaching for junk food feels much easier and more gratifying in the moment than investing a little time and energy in preparing something nourishing.  They just don't follow "normal" routines in my opinion.  And that makes daily decision-making that much harder.  Whereas I practically run on autopilot when it comes to making most of my meals, for them, they don't have an autopilot, except for the one that says, do whatever is easiest and most appealing moment to moment.

I think that the combination of a lack of a healthy routine, combined with long-term overfunctioning by the other adults in their life, results in the pwBPD not developing competence in some basic life skills.  To illustrate, when I was growing up, I helped my parents with everything.  I did all sorts of chores, year after year.  One of my responsibilities was helping with meals.  I accompanied my mom on hundreds of grocery shopping trips.  I help pick out fruit, vegetables, meats, eggs, etc., especially items on sale.  I helped with check-out and with carrying groceries into the car and house.  I helped unpack the food, wash items that could be washed and put things away.  The same went for making meals:  I helped make breakfast and dinner the overwhelming majority of the time.  By18, I had accumulated the experience of preparing thousands of meals, from shopping to prep to cooking to setting the table to washing up.  Those thousands of instances of real-life experience meant that I was competent with the skills of feeding.

But when it comes to BPD, I think they miss out on formative experiences like that, because their emotional needs and instability are just too much to handle.  In the moment, the adults around them determine that it's just too hard to ask them to contribute anything.  Fast forward to adulthood, and oftentimes, pwBPD literally don't have practice with mundane skills of self-care, in this case feeding.  Each individual step:  planning, shopping, creating a menu, prepping, cooking and cleaning up feel too OVERWHELMING.  Not only that, but the lack of practice means that whatever they might attempt to throw together just doesn't seem appealing.  It's always easier to "delegate" and get someone else to do all this for them, or reach for junk food.  As they do this, year after year, their executive function skills (and general life skills) appear to be childlike.  Why?  Because they are "stuck" at a child's level.  Over-functioning by the adults around them, in the name of making life easier, means that the pwBPD doesn't get practice.  Actually, that situation could lead to shame:  the pwBPD knows that they're incompetent, and to avoid those feelings, it's easier to give up and not even try.

Of course, there's the sense of entitlement, too:  since others have fed them in the past, they demand to be fed and cared for, as it's what they are used to and have come to expect.

Just my two cents.

In this situation, you're literally playing with fire without even realizing it.

Why?  Your BPD partner wants you to chase them, but if you chase them then they take it as proof that everything they accused you of is 100% valid.  If you don't chase them, there's a chance that they'll reach out to you but it's just as likely that they'll take it as a sign of abandonment and move on.

In my opinion from having this exact conversation dozens of times here over the years, you're better off not reaching out.

With that said, there's a chance that the relationship is not salvagable at this point.  So what's best for your ex might not be your biggest priority anymore.  What's best for you?  And what would you be looking for by reaching out?  A second chance?  Closure?  Telling her off?  Tell us why you'd reach out and we can give more specific advice.

That's semi-true.  The BPD's main problems in relationships is themselves, and none of us can "fix" mental health in anyone else.  You can absolutely learn to be more supportive, less judgemental, more validating, etc and it will serve you well in all of your relationships moving forward (from family to work to new love interests).  And there's many here that have made BPD relationships work for a very long time by using those skills.

The other side of the coin, however, is that the non-BPD is playing by an unfair set of rules where their feelings and emotions are often placed on the backburner.  For instance, my ex wife would start to scream at me over something ridiculous that had nothing to do with me, and I could choose to yell back (wrong move) or lovingly calm her down (right move).  That's easy to do in a vaccuum, but over a lifetime it's almost impossible to always get it right.

Will one blowout lead to breaking up?  It could under the right circumstances, but usually it doesn't.  That's why I said your doctor's statement is only semi-true. 

You are correct in that to qualify for SSI/Disability Medicare- a person has to meet certain criteria and there needs to be medical documentation. One is: Severe Impairment: You must have a physical or mental medical condition that significantly limits your ability to perform basic work-related activities and it must be long term. Someone made this assessment of your wife when she was in her 20's. BPD alone is not sufficient to qualify for this.

Nobody chooses this or would want this but this is also a situation where she is eligible for some assistance. Being married, that might impact what she qualifies for. I know an adult who is receiving SSI and Medicare because of a physical disability. She has SSI, Medicare, and is in a subsidized apartment for either over 50 or 55. The building was recently built, and seems to be on par with other apartments in the area. One difference is that this person is a self sufficient mentally intact adult, she can meet her basic needs, but her housing and medical insurance is covered. If it ever came to divorce, your wife may be eligible for some similar material support.

In her elder years, she might meet income determination for Medicaid. Medicaid covers skilled nursing homes and also in some cases, some home health care. I knew an elderly man who had these services covered by Medicaid.

My BPD mother was not eligible for these services. In her era, many women didn't work outside the home. In her 20's. the expectation for her and her peers was to get married. There would not have been an assessment for if she could be employed or not. She did get through college, I don't know how your wife could have done that with her emotional issues- even if she is intelligent- on an intellect level, as my mother was, being able to keep up with a schedule, assigments, would be a challenge. My BPD mother lived at home for part of her college- perhaps she needed that kind of support but it would not have been unusual in her time.

How could you have missed it? Because pwBPD can mask well initially. It's not being deceitful. It's the nature of the relationship as BPD affects the closest relationships the most- so it would be after the relationship got closer and more committed that more of the behaviors would be seen. There are people who knew my mother who never had a clue. I don't think my father did, and in their time, BPD wasn't well known so there wasn't a name for her behavior.

BPD mother didn't not eat but her eating patterns were odd. She didn't cook, or grocery shop. BPD and eating disorders are common and she was concerned about her weight, and so wouldn't eat a lot during the day but would then eat later at night.

Where I see a difference between the usual eating disorders is that your wife comes to you wanting to be fed. This doesn't happen with anorexia- and with binge eating, the eating is often in secret. They don't come to another person asking to be fed. To me (and I am not a psychologist) this is emotional and child like. Your wife is capable of making a sandwich. Wanting to be fed is for emotional comfort- like a small child would seek out.