Hi Hopeful,

You've come to the right place.  Ordinarily I'd write a long reply, as your post touches on many themes:  behavior that spoils vacations and happy moments, creating a convoluted victim narrative, rewriting history, cutting off contact, threats, blaming, therapy, sibling dynamics, operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, the works.

I'd suggest that you take a look at some of my prior posts, which explain some of these themes.  I think if you click on my name (CC43), you can click through to my recent posts.

But I see some reasons for hope:  You have a diagnosis; at least you and your daughter know what you're dealing with.  BPD is treatable, provided your daughter wants to make some changes for the better.  And your BPD daughter isn't living with you full time, which gives you a break, as well as makes it increasingly difficult for your daughter to continue to blame you for absolutely everything wrong in her life.  Maybe she's functioning reasonably well as an adult (job, education, living independently, maintaining friendships)--if she is, that's huge.

Maybe you're relieved to take a break from your daughter's nastiness.  But you're also worried sick about her, right?  And you can't help but feel some guilt--about how you raised her, about how your relationship is going.  We get that.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise, no matter how hard she tries to create a narrative of a terrible, abusive childhood.  In my experience, that's classic BPD, and it's a deflection from her current issues.

All my best to you.

I appreciate the encouragement and also the words of caution. Yes, my son has been and can be a bully at times. Before I spoke to my son I read many of the tools and skills in the library.  One was about what not to say such as the word BUT. We'll I used it. He said BUT! Now you're going to say BUT. He was dramatic and  I almost felt like laughing (I didn't) I did clap my hand over my mouth. It felt good to have that break from intensity. I coulda shoulda done things differently BUT I learned a lot. And I feel a strength from doing it. My old MO wasn't arguing,  it was freezing and being scared and placating.
I'll be starting a new thread about holding my boundary and the fears I have. Thank you both.

My younger kid knows about BPD and is doing a good job of not getting triangulated into the middle of it all

Thanks for the info and the support. She has blocked me on phone, email, WhatsApp, and even LinkedIn (?). She told her siblings she would be doing so, not me. She also asked her stepbrother if she can stay with him when she comes for graduation. I feel so hurt, I feel grief, loss, anger. I also feel some relief if that's the right word. Relief that the terrible thing she's been threatening since last summer has finally happened. Relief that I'm getting something of a break. All I can do is build skills for when she reaches back out, which I fully believe she will do. Nobody else is going to be the endless supply of support and reinforcement that I have been, nor is anyone else going to be the target for her extreme aggression and anger. I suspect the best course is not to engage further as it may only exacerbate things. The only way to let her know that I understand and she can take all the time she needs is by letter.

Okay, so it was only a one-way restraining order.  I remembered most of what had happened; just not that part of it.

My circumstances of the break-up were very different, but I can remember that 2.5 months out, I still had a strong desire to reconcile and would have done almost anything to make it happen.  Looking back three years later though, I see plainly that it was not a healthy relationship and I was never prioritized except when it came to financial support.

I think it's very common to have doubts about how things turn out and wondering if another try would fix everything that was previously broken.  The decision is yours alone and a lot of that is out of your hands at the moment, but I will say that you might be seeing it with crystal clarity today.  I absolutely wasn't at the point you're at.  This is the "bettering" section though so that's what we will focus on.

Since you're reached out twice now (video + text), there's not much more you can do for the next few weeks.  Let the restraining order finish out and see if she contacts you.  The chances without any additional information (which you don't have) are about 50/50 either way, so nobody has a great guess here. All you can do is prepare for the possibility that she will reach out while also accepting that she might not.

You want to continue the relationship.  Okay.  What will be different this time around?  Start thinking that out now.  Obviously alcohol played a big part on your end and that's something you can control in the future.  I'm not blaming or judging here, mind you, but it makes sense to focus on the parts we can actually control. 

Likewise, let's say you do reconnect and eventually, she's in a sour mood.  How do you avoid ending up in the same place all over again?  You can't control her emotions or reactions, but you can work on the parts that you control.  Maybe it's speaking in a different way, maybe it's knowing when to walk away or avoid an argument to begin with.  Those are kinds of things that solely rely on you.  That's where your focus should be.

I genuinely hope it works out and you get the fairytale ending.  It happens from time to time.

OK, I probably wouldn't have tried to start this conversation until an actual request for money came up, and I probably wouldn't have given a dollar figure limit, because my opinion is that your limit probably establishes a floor, not a ceiling, in his mind.  Nevertheless, I see some developments here.  On the plus side, you stayed in control--great job on your part.  Also on the plus side, his reaction was probably as predicted--feelings of shame, some blaming, some anger and hopelessness--all very BPD.  But on the minus side, though he avoided a complete meltdown and was able to end the conversation with a hug, he punched the fridge.  I don't like that at all.  I see that as a bully tactic--a thinly veiled threat of violence when he doesn't get what he wants!  Sure, you could say he was "dysregulated," but my opinion is that he made a CHOICE to punch the fridge, because he wanted to intimidate you, to bully you into getting what he wanted.  I'm sorry to say this, but it seems to me your son is a bully.

I'm not saying that as a criticism of your son, but rather as a note of caution for you.  I guess I see a little better what you're up against here.  I think you are going to have to maintain your boundary, no matter what he does.  Boundaries are essential for pwBPD and bullies too.  If he flies off the handle in your presence, for example by punching a hole in the wall, I think you need to leave immediately or call 911.  If you stay around when he's punching, then you're basically telling him it's OK to do that.  If he's so riled up that he's showing physical violence, then I think you're not having a conversation anymore. 

Hi there,

It's sad that your sibling is acting out and being mean.  I could tell you that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their stress, jealousy, inferiority complex and feeling aggrieved by the world.  To a pwBPD, it's "normal" to put other people down, in a vain attempt to feel in control or superior, or just to hurl their inner nastiness onto other people.  The pwBPD in my life would send nasty correspondence to relatives, to "punish" them and "teach them a lesson," when reality was, she was acting like a total brat, and the "punishment" and "teaching them a lesson" should have been coming her way!  (Note the delusional thinking pattern here.)

If a relationship with your sibling is too painful, you might consider going Low Contact and sending your sibling's emails and text messages directly to the spam folder.

Look, untreated pwBPD tend to generate drama everywhere they go.  They also tend to create no-win scenarios.  For example, they might get themselves kicked out of a living situation and demand that you house them indefinitely.  If you refuse, they'll accuse you of being selfish and irresponsible (see the projection there?).  But if you relent, they become an extremely difficult and entitled roommate, making your own homelife miserable.  So no matter what you do, it's a lose-lose situation for you.  And that is why boundaries are so important.  If your sibling is being mean to you, then you have every right to ignore her and not to respond.

I've often posted here to imagine the messages as Spam, because they are Spam!  If a spambot wrote you a message accusing you of being a horrible person and ruining the bot's life, you'd think, that's ridiculous and delete it without much further thought.  I'd say, try to do that with your sibling's messages.  You need to reclaim your mental bandwidth--and save it for YOUR life.  Let your sibling deal with their life, on their own.

I so relate to this thread, although in my case it is a ubpd sibling.  I am very sorry for your pain, Innerpeace2026 (and struck by our similar choices in handles ).  Having a break (through low contact) from the unrelenting blaming by my sibling has helped my guilt to subside.  It comes back at times, but increasingly when she reaches out to snipe at me, my guilt tweak is followed quickly by recognition of how nasty and uncalled for her behavior is and the guilt dissipates.

It made me so sad to read your post. I hope that with time you can come to exchange guilt for sadness and experience joy despite that sadness.

After one pissy text from ubpd sibling, I felt good because it didn’t bother me. After another plus an email to me and my daughter,  I want to cry and that makes me want to cry even more because I was happy about not being bothered.  Not responding to them but I’ll share with this board how upset I am at having to deal with this stupid self- righteous nastiness and that I brought it into my daughters life too.