I guess that is what they mean by a "pervasive" disorder.
My now separated BPDw had a "falling out" with her new girlfriend. The aftermath confirms everything I predicted.
Basically, GF got caught in the push-pull and opted out. First, it was "let's try being friends for awhile" declaration from GF. W didn't like that, so she did more pushing, and GF did more pulling away. Eventually, W saw GF with GF's previous partner, and W got upset. I suspect W was qusi-stalking GF in hopes of "accidentally" bumping into her. That would be consistent with the pattern.
GF left W one last voice memo, basically stating that she wants to just walk away, but wants to leave one more memo as a caring human being and urging W to go into behavioral treatment before she does damage to others or her kids. GF alleged abuse and harassment. GF said she is now blocking W's number and deleting the contact.
GF is not without problems herself and is one that does not tolerate being engulfed. I suspect she felt that way and ran back to her ex as to have someone else to hang out with. W increased the frequency of her "text bombing" until GF had enough. GF would probably have let W know sooner that she was no longer interested - but as most of us do we fear the wrath and avoid confrontation hoping the other will "get the hint". The sad thing is I predicted this would happen - almost exactly - but with pwBPD that's not too hard to do because the pattern never changes (you could insert exBF into the story and there would be more than one matching example from her past).
GF seems to have pretty strong boundaries here. I'm not sure when she first alleged the "abuse", but I suspect W said some very mean and abusive things to GF when she felt things were ending. pwBPD can't leave things with "no".
I also learned (and predicted) her hasty motivation to move out was in part due to her wanting to strengthen her R/S with her GF. She wanted her own space to hang out with GF in. W was upset that GF never wanted to hang out in her new apartment.
Now BPDw is wondering if she is abusive and needs to seek treatment. I told her I could not help her with those decisions but would support her seeking treatment if that is what she decided. One thing can be said about her - she is very self-aware having been diagnosed BPD as a teenager over 30 years ago. She doesn't need anyone to tell her that her behavior is abusive or to help her recognize the patterns. She knows it is happening when it is happening - yet cannot stop herself. That is scary.
So why am I involved in this drama? Well - we are trying to co-parent, and this does affect the kids. Knowing whether she is in an emotional place conducive to letting the kids overnight is pretty important. And unfortunately, that means needing to understand the basics of what is going on.
My path going forward - do what I can to support decisions that she makes to improve herself as a person and a mother while avoiding things that support destructive behaviors. I've been doing quite well letting her r/s drama be hers even when I suspected things not going well and distancing myself from her decisions regarding employment or wanting her own place.


