What I noticed in this post was that 15years was feeling pressured.  If a pwBPD is having conflict with their own friend, it would be their own issue to deal with.

There are different reasons for the pressure. One is if the conflict is with a mutual friend or family member. How to have a relationship with this other person that the pwBPD is having conflict with, whether or not to explain, or what to do or say to maintain that relationship with the other person if at all possible.

The other person also has their own choices or feelings- what do they choose to do in this situation.

I do want her, and I hope you’re right. It’s been three years though…

The problem I found with BPD - or at least with my exBPD g/f - was that because they see everything as pure black and white, they can also see others that way too and not regard them as neutral or 'not involved'. They have to be either for her or against her, simple as that.

When my g/f was okay, she talked to my friends; when she was splitting she suddenly didn't like them anymore. This also applied to her own friends too - when she was with me she would criticise them but when I was painted black, they were suddenly her dearest friends.

A lot of people who knew jus both equally would try to step in and help when we had a breakup but all she saw was 'they're his friends and I don't like them now'.

It's all part of the BPD game. She posts to get your interest but keeps you blocked so, in her mind, it will frustrate you and make you even more determined to contact her. In true BPD fashion, she has to retain the 'power' at all times.

My exBPD would break up with me - this was before we all had home internet or mobile phones - but she would continue to come into the pub where she knew I'd be. She made sure I knew she was there but would never speak to me. This is the equivalent of getting my attention then keeping me blocked. If I wasn't in on the night she was in, she knew the bar staff would later tell me she'd been in. She knew exactly what she was doing.

As I've said before, your ex g/f will open communication channels when and if she's ready and you just have to accept these very frustrating games she's playing at the moment if you still want her.

Thank you both for your insight.

Rowdy, I’m sorry to hear about these experiences. I resonate with the idea that our exes are “fighting with themselves.” I do feel that way with my ex, that she genuinely doesn’t know who she is and what she wants.

Under the Bridge, I appreciate your feedback as well. I wish I could take a more generous view of my ex’s confusing behavior. First of all, if she were fishing for a reaction and validation, wouldn’t she have me unblocked so I had a way of contacting her? What I would like to believe is that she’s genuinely in conflict with herself. Genuinely longing for our connection, but genuinely scared, scare of closeness as she’s always been, scared of being not enough. What I would like to believe is that her longing and fear are in conflict, and that the longing will eventually outweigh the fear and tip her into direct contact, but for now all she can bring herself to do is communicate from a distance.

Does this interpretation ring true with anybody?

I was going to reply to my old thread but just wanted to share a new thread with brighter news..Well over a year ago I filed for divorce and posted here when I was afraid of what my ex was going to do.   Since then she had hired an extremely aggressive attorney and took me to court multiple times in attempts to extract huge concessions, and all of them failed.   It cost me about $15-20k in attorney fees to deal with that it probably shouldn't have.   Recently though, I learned that in the process she had run up a much bigger legal bill than I had and she had no choice but to drop her attorney and self represent.  After one final motion where she requested that I pay her legal bill and was denied, she had no choice but to settle.   She may have been scammed by her attorney, but I don't really know.   She's getting roughly what I originally offered, and spent most of it fighting with me.   Meanwhile I met someone new that does not have a PD, and I am having the best time of my life.

I am struggling with grief. I want the son I chatted with tonight. I want to see him relaxed and unburdened like he was tonight. I'm not meaning to be dramatic,  I keep my feelings locked inside. I thought if I shared my struggles that I might be freer myself and be realistic about my son's illness and my powerlessness in it.

After a conversation with my udbpd son a couple days ago where he was having a melt down, I have been worried about his state of mind and possible actions he was taking this week. He has brought up suicide before when feeling like a failure.  So my imagination can take flight. Sometimes I feel like he says things to get a reaction out of me or to get me to help him in someway.
To be honest, he makes impulsive decisions that I try to intercept even if it's only in my mind. I spend way too much of my time trying to make sense of how he thinks or come up with just the right words to keep him on a positive course. Then he calls as he just did, in a centered rational place asking about a medical appointment my husband had today. The conversation was easy, normal, no strings, not needy....  Rare times like these when I don't hear pain in his voice - I have hope and question my perceptions of other interactions.
Does my confusion make sense to anyone?  I get that I need to mentally disconnect and I think I'm beginning to learn. Is my answer in learning all the ways bpd presents and address them as they come and try to keep my thoughts out of his life?
 Thanks for being here.

Threatening divorce is not a small matter.  It may start as words in moments of emotional upset but it strikes deep at whatever trust there is in the relationship.  Because once threatened, it is more likely for it to happen again.  As has been observed here before regarding general issues, "If it has been threatened or even contemplated, it will happen given enough time."

Of course that course of spiraling down can be diverted.  Have you tried counseling?  The problem is that people with BPD traits (pwBPD), diagnosed or not, do tend to resist therapy... there is just so much Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

We all have seen that our own efforts are too often not enough to make progress.  A major reason is that BPD traits are most evident and most impacting in close relationships.  Someone in occasional contact or on the periphery may only note that the other is a bit "off" and so therefore won't be impacted much.  However, you're in constant contact and they can get sensitized to you though no fault of your own.  It's as though they can't truly listen to you through the emotional baggage of the close relationship.  This is precise where an experienced and emotionally neutral expert may be of help.

Hi Kronky
It does sound as though you are in the parent role in relation to your partner. It is good that he is open to trying things and it is even better that you are able to step back from feeling responsible for his condition or feeling responsible to solve it.

My suggestion is to start with little ‘time-outs’. It’s better to start knowing that you can keep taking that time. The idea of a time out from bpd is more about mental space – your mind is not on the person with bpd for a set period of time. Many years ago I was so anxious about my DD that I felt like I as falling apart.

Then I came up with the idea that I would set aside a time each day that I would think about DD. That helped a lot. Then I started to put timeouts in regular spots. I am not sure if this is making sense.

The emotional intensity of bpd is huge, and I found myself totally absorbed in thinking about it all. My timeouts were a great start for me becoming freer mentally and still supporting my DD but not mentally submerged in the chaos.