What your mother thinks is a nice Christmas sounds like a nightmare. This reminds me of an email my father sent me when I began having boundaries with BPD mother ( and she wasn't pleased). "I just want us to be a happy family again" -which I think meant appeasing mother and not having boundaries. (my parents seemed to have a similar relationship as yours).

I also get not wanting our parents to be unhappy with our decisions, especially in their elder years. Holidays are stressful in general and so BPD behaviors did increase during these times. My BPD mother often didn't do much for holidays but when she did, it was similar- her dysreguating if something wasn't done perfectly. If my mother did entertain guests, it had to be perfect.

I wonder if by having Christmas be spectacular- that one day somehow makes up for the rest of the behaviors? That's just a guess but for one day, the family appears picture perfect to her?

Holiday celebrations may change as the family grows. Sometimes the kids go to the in laws. Travel gets more complicated with small children. Young families want to have their own traditions. I can understand feeling sad over these changes but I think it's an adjustment many families make over time.

Unfortunately, it seems as if your mother will react to the changes and be upset. One aspect of her celebration is being the one who is the center, that she achieves a noteworthy celebration and feels affirmed by it. One idea is to send her a nice gift- but with the exception would she throw it away or destroy it out of anger. My BPD mother would do that. The gift I chose to send was flowers- she usually liked that. So it's something you might want to do to still make her feel appreciated on this day.

Hi!  My response is going to sound non-chalant, only because it has been almost 3 solid years of minimal contact....my 24 (must be the AGE?) daughter, pwBPD was diagnosed with BPD about 4 years ago, the first year, I researched EVERYthing, read all the books, joined NAMI, I slept over my daughter's apartment at least 3x a week, (so many sad stories, she would have me take her pills, so she did not OD, hide her knives, there were 2 inpatient psych stays, she would tell me to shut the F up out of the blue (gosh, just typing this is making me tear up) in any case, out of the clear blue, she told me I was the reason she was like "this" after demanding $5000 for her school loan (long story....I was paying her college tuition, out of pocket, during my overtime) but she dropped out & owed money....I did not have $5000 that MINUTE....she has since ceased contact with me, her father, her sister and her 3 young nieces (the oldest, we practically raised); she texts only if she needs money, etc.; I have mailed her holiday cards/gift cards, birthday cards (the first year of holidays, I cried all day long, Mother's day, my birthday, her birthday (I have a BPD specialist/therapist, so, I am attempting to find JOY again); she has moved (I only know this, because she is on my health and auto insurance) so....this year I cannot even do that (gosh....I am tearing up, again   all I can say, BPD is a BEAST; please free to reach out, if you like....I wish you good luck and am sincerely sorry you (and any in this group) are going through this

Hi, I related to your post, especially to the feeling of responsibility and feeling trapped.
I'm also the oldest and only daughter of a mother who I suspect has bpd - she fits the profile, and my dad fits the enabler profile perfectly.
Christmas was always a huge deal at our lavishly decorated home. There was a strict hierarchy of Christmas tree ornaments from 'good' to 'not so good' (the ones we kids made), and we knew exactly where they were supposed to be hung on the tree (homemade ones on the back, near the bottom). This unspoken rule was only obvious to me when a college boyfriend came to help decorate the tree - he was insulted that my Mom moved all the ornaments he placed to their 'correct' position - he told me he'd never heard of ranking ornaments! I thought it was perfectly sensible and everyone did it!
Every Christmas Eve there would be a breakdown: "No one in this family helps me do a thing!" "How did I get to have such lazy kids!" "Christmas is CANCELLED!!!" We would ask what to do and she'd yell "JUST HELP!"
I remember wising up in college and asking for specific instructions - that got vitriol thrown at me, too, but going forward, with my own kids, I try to be very specific about what I need help with, and to watch my stress levels - so much of learning about parenting for me has been 'what not to do'.
Strangely -- I don't need that much help! I have one less child than my Mom; also, my standards for food and decorations are not as high as hers!
I moved overseas in my early twenties. I was able to come back to the USA a few times for Christmas. My kids protected me from a lot of 'the wrath' and it's probably fair anyways to expect some stress and yelling when a family of five descends on your house for two weeks over the holidays - although babies were not welcome - the decorations were too breakable and "they have to learn "NO"- don't touch!"
I asked my parents to spend Christmas with us overseas a few times, but Mom explained, "Christmas means too much to me to spend anywhere else but in my own home."
Now my kids are also grown up, and I haven't been back to the USA for Christmas for over twenty years.
I have two brothers that live locally to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. This year, one brother is taking a holiday with his family beginning Dec. 23, and the other brother has to work on Christmas Day.
My parents are in their late 80s and (relatively) hale and hearty but this is going to be hard for them -- of course, because of the rigid thinking of having to do things ON CHRISTMAS - not the week before, or after. There is incredible longevity in our family, so I'm not necessarily thinking, "This is their last Christmas!" but it does feel bold (?) of my brothers to make other plans for the first time ever. I am watching at a distance... my own kids are coming to our house for Christmas so I won't be flying to the US although it feels like I should.
Don't know exactly how this is a reply to the original post, just 'dread' and 'holidays' resonated with me... I have purposely tried to be flexible in celebrating the holidays, inviting different constellations of people, being guests some years, hosting others - my husband and I even spent Christmas on our own in another country one year! A lot of what I do is in reaction to what my Mom prizes  - unwavering tradition and rituals -
I'm waiting for the PLEASE READ to really hit the fan when her family Christmas does not resemble all the previous years'- my parens have many friends and relatives, they will be invited everywhere, but I feel scared about the inevitable crying phone call, "What did I do to deserve this, I only ever tried to make Christmas nice for you kids and this is how I'm repaid."

Right now you will be overthinking. It’s a natural process someone goes through when they have been broken up with.

You will be trying to make sense of what is essentially nonsense. All your instincts are telling you to beg and plead, to reach out. What would I do? I would try and not contact her and see if she reaches out.

My own relationship with my wife lasted 27 years. There were red flags which I ignored. There was behaviour from my wife that I forgave, or just let slide that I shouldn’t have. She is also undiagnosed but the traits she displays are so very similar to bpd that if she hasn’t got it, her behaviour is more calculated and toxic than that.

The relationship I had before my marriage, I’d spent a long time wishing to get back with her after that ended, was about an 18 month relationship. This was back in the day before cell phones so going ‘no contact’ in that respect was easy. After maybe a year she was writing me letters, trying to get back with me. The relationship I had when my marriage ended, only lasted a couple of months. I spent maybe a month or so with messages going back and forth. No begging or pleading, no asking for closure, just friendly messaging. I let this tail off and did not contact. Every 6 months or so after, up until 18 months after the relationship had  ended, I would get a message from her reaching out, suggesting we meet up again, but by that point I had moved on.

I know it’s difficult. A relationship with a pwBPD is unlike any other. The highs a very high, and the lows a very low. That is why many people say the relationship is like being on a rollercoaster. The dopamine rush being like the adrenaline rush that rollercoaster ride gives you is what makes you addicted to the relationship, which then leads to the trauma bond.

The highs are great, but the lows become very wearing over time. You seriously need to try and look at the relationship from outside the box. Journal. Write down the things good and bad about the relationship.

Two months really is not a long time when it comes to a relationship. It can feel like a longer length of time with a pwBPD, but I’m sure you have read accounts on here about how you can expect the relationship to go, and if you are prepared, if she does change her mind, to strap yourself in for the ride.

Hi HereToHeal,

I know the feeling of just needing to know WHY?

My Udd began Ignoring my calls began in her early teens. At first she had all the excuses like "There was no wifi", "I didnt hear it ring", "I didnt have it on me" and then later no excuses at all, Another time she only wanted to communicate with me by writing post it notes!

The closest I have got to an explanation of why going NC happens was not from another family member who has sought mental health treatment.

This Family member has always regulary blocks contacts, ignores calls, changes her number and goes NC for months/years and then will reappear like nothing happened. Frustratingly one day I asked her why she keeps doing this and she said its because she just feels too overwhelmed and pressured to respond or be around people. She also avoids family and work events for the same reasons. Right now the last last text I sent 5 months ago is still unread and she hasnt been in touch. Funnily my family member has always said that she feels that she has a lot in common with my udd.

I think that there is no harm sending a gift but only send it with no expectations, and if you do decide to invite her over make sure it is worth having an alternative plan in place for the day if she doesnt show up.

Hi!  I always see pwBPD referenced (person with BPD) (I guess rather than saying my daughter, etc!) absolutely, reach out, if you like, my friends don't understand, my husband refuses to acknowledge & my mother thinks my daughter is just bratty

A bit of perspective to follow up on CC43's post and yours. Reading about the Karpman triangle helped me to understand the dynamics in a BPD relationship better. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

From my own perspective, pwBPD are in Victim perspective and from this perpective- asking them to understand yours is not understood. If I felt down, "sharing" with my BPD mother would lead to her replying that her situation was worse. It was not helpful. So when you attempt to share your feelings with your child- the reply is their situation is worse and you don't understand.

One example- when my father passed away, I assumed it would be obvious that I was also grieving. Saying to my mother "I just lost a father" her reply was- "Well I just lost a husband". Understandable that this was difficult for her emotionally, but also- she was not able to perceive that others may be grieving too.

You can not change your child's thinking. Their issue- whether it's being trans, or anything else- is their focus. I found it ineffective to "share" such kinds of feelings with BPD mother.

There's an opposite effect to helping too much. First, it can lead to you burning out. BPD was not known at the time my parents married and my father's approach to my mother's emotional distress was to take care of her. Someone else did housework. She didn't work outside the home, which was the norm in her era. You'd think she'd be happy having her days to herself. She was not. People resent being dependent. Also, the more we do a task, the better we get at it, and so the rest of us got better at cooking, household tasks which further affected her self esteem.

Her only way to maintain her self esteem was to be critical of us, and insist we do things for her. PwBPD project their own feelings on to others. So, if she felt insecure about a task, she'd be critical of how we did it. The irony of your child criticising your career while you are the one working is an example. BPD mother was critical of our job choices, and yet, she did not have one herself.

No matter what a person's gender identity is- it doesn't give them license to be mean and cruel. I don't have experience with expecting complete independence with a child, or even a person with BPD. The line between what my mother was capable or incapable of was blurred. What I did see from experience was that not having expectations of her or boundaries may have spared us from some rages and her frustration with doing tasks, but it didn't lead to her being more appreciative of us.

We can not change another person but we can change our own behavior. It will help you to feel support from someone- but that person may not be your child. It may take consulting a therapist to help support you in having boundaries with your child, someone who can help you walk that line between helping and promoting her independence.

but she put white hearth on all my txt. it doesnt mean she wants to close it between us. if she really want to close she say dont txt me or block me but she didnt do it. or maybe i just overthink

She isnt diagnosed but show a lot of signs of Quet bpd. Rn she is very cold and distant with me, she just seen my text or put a white hearth on it. I sent her a text to thank for the past 2 month idk what to do or what is it. I want it to work out. We are not together rn, we just talked met etc but idk why she doing this rn. I didnt wanted to hurt her

Hi. Is she diagnosed bpd?

What she want and how long will it take is an impossible question for us to answer. If she has bpd then her emotional thinking isn’t the same as a healthy persons, love and logic don’t really go hand in hand at the best of times, let alone with someone that is as dysregulated as a pwBPD.

What you need to do? You need to work out if a relationship with someone that has bpd is a relationship you really want. You met her only 2 months ago, which in the grand scheme of things is very little time, and what she has shown you is a behaviour pattern that will likely repeat through any relationship you have with her.

As it has only been a short period since the relationship started, what you have experienced thus far is the ‘honeymoon’ period of a relationship, where your dopamine levels are elevated and your judgement of her and the relationship are clouded. This is where the saying love is blind comes from, because you are blind to any red flags or unsavoury behaviour traits the person you are romantically involved with may have.

Are you doing good? Well, if you are not harassing or pressuring her into a relationship then yes, that is the best thing to do. If she has decided that she doesn’t want a relationship with you, no amount of begging and pleading will make her turn around and so oh ok then, if anything it is likely to push her further away We aren’t capable of making people feel things we want them to feel, even less so a pwBPD.. All you can do is nothing. Give her the breakup, if that is what she wants. I would even go as far as saying I would stop contacting her together. It’s difficult, it does seem counter productive, but from experience the relationships I’ve had where I have been broken up with, stopping contact has lead to a romantic partner reaching out. Can take weeks, months, years even and there is no guarantee but generally if you chase they will run away.