If you feel up to it, we’d be glad to hear how things have been going on your side.

And if you’ve just needed some space or time to process, that’s completely understandable too - just didn’t want your thread to go quiet without someone reaching out


Hard to be honest. I’ve been blocked and unblocked. Stories watched then stopped watching etc. Haven’t heard anything from him though and it’s hard, cry every day about it as I can’t make sense out of it and how one day they’re getting me little things that reminded them of me, telling their family about me, asking me to go away with them and next day it’s all over. I feel so pathetic as I’ve never been like this with anyone before

Hi Kind of Alone
I can relate to so much of what you describe – especially the reaction to the phone going etc and the money.

Each of us that post here has a situation that is not like any other – because our children are individual, their diagnoses mean that they can have a different combination of symptoms etc. We can learn so much from the experience and advice of others – then we need to choose the things that will apply in our case.

This part of your post struck me:

I also have a job...... anyway I realized last month that I have her over 14,000.00 dollars of the course of last year.  No wonder why she didn't keep a job or work I was her part time job.... I am so angry at myself!!!! and I don't want to give any more.   However just this week I paid for her rent

I remember feeling so anxious when my DD started a job – I would be ‘there for her’ etc and deep down I think I knew it wouldn’t last. I found myself feeling guilty that I wasn’t putting up the boundary and saying No etc – it all just added another layer of anxiety for me, because I knew that MY individual DD was not really able to fit in anywhere much.

Then I realised that – when I looked into it – I realised that paying the rent, or some other bill, was really doing something for myself. I had tried everything I could to get DD to stand on her own 2 feet – and the boundaries I put up only made things worse for me.

So I now see the choices I make – be they giving some money or being a bit of a taxi etc – are things that are mainly for my own benefit.  They can provide me with some space for myself after years of trying to follow the ways that other people have found works for them as they journey with their loved BPD child.

Be kind to yourself. You are dealing with a most challenging situation and I don’t know how you cope with both Bipolar and BPD. You suspect DD is going off her meds – that must make you think that things will deteriorate. So much is out of our control – if paying the rent to give DD some stability and you some personal space, then it’s an okay thing to do.

Hi littlesolaris,



Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found your way here, and at the same time, I’m sorry for the circumstances that brought you.

I can really relate to the confusion and destabilization you’re describing. When things keep getting reframed or distorted over and over, it can start to make you doubt your own reality, like you’re losing your footing a bit. That’s a really unsettling place to be.

It also sounds like you’re taking responsibility for how you’ve reacted, and that matters. At the same time, each person is responsible for how they respond to things. Someone else’s behavior can be overwhelming or triggering, but it doesn’t make us act a certain way. So his reactions and behaviors are his to own, just like yours are yours.

You mentioned you’ve been apart for a few weeks now, and that some of that space has helped you regulate. I’m wondering what you’re starting to notice in yourself with that distance. Sometimes when things are really intense, it’s hard to see clearly until there’s a bit of space from it.

Hi HereForTheLove,

I was thinking about your post and wanted to check in. I noticed it’s been a little while since you were last here (back in January), and I just wanted to say you’ve been on my mind.

What you shared about living with that constant fear of things turning quickly… that really sticks with you. It’s not something people understand unless they’ve lived it. That kind of tension can wear you down over time.

I’m really glad you took the step to set up therapy for yourself. Even if the therapist isn’t specialized in BPD, having a space that’s focused on you and your well-being can make a big difference.

If you feel up to it, how have things been going since you last posted?

No pressure to respond, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this.

Hi there. I'm new and would really appreciate some help.

Some background context: I've been with my BPD partner for 1,5 years.

Early on (February 2025) in our relationship, I found out he cheated on me with escorts, because he gave me a (thankfully curable) STI. I was set to leave, but he took responsibility, was committed to making everything right, and I recognized that his acting out was because of addiction (alcohol - drugs - sex).

Since February 2025 he has been sober. Since June we started couple's therapy. Since August he started supporting me financially, started seeing a sex therapist (that I found), started the 12 step program (that I insisted on), and began doing the work to understand his addiction better. It was not all easy for me, because although he began work on himself, he still could not manage with my emotions after the betrayal. He would try his best to be there for me, but almost always spiraled into shame. Then into self-harm. It was so exhausting and so scary, because he reminded me of the violent father I had growing up. I felt like I had to fight for him to sit with my feelings, it's like my betrayal trauma became secondary to the insane amount of emotions he was feeling about himself.

After months of this cycle, it became worse and worse - I would result to verbal abuse (which I have never done in my life), and he would further spiral, self harm, and contemplate suicide. It got so regular and so bad, that his therapist, our therapist, and even my therapist said he needed rehab. He bumped up his health insurance, but always found an excuse why he can't do it now.

The past month: During one of couple's therapy sessions, our therapist, after hearing how I've witnessed yet another of my partner's self-harm collapses, said: "Where are your boundaries? You have to call the police next time this happens". So I did. And that is also the moment, where everything flipped.

He got admitted for half a day, got evaluated, his sister, who knew of what was happening between us (I encouraged him to tell her early on) and whom he often called during our "cycles" to save him, was also there. The atmosphere was tense.It became clear, that something needs to change. That day, he did not come home and decided to stay at his sister's. The next day, he decided to stay at his parent's. He suggested we don't talk a lot. I actually thought that was a good idea, that it was very-very healthy, and that we both needed a break. However, several days later during our couple's therapy session, it became clear what as happening.

He came into the session with a recording (we have a web-cam running non-stop for our dog + security) of the fight we had, the one where I would call the police, and said: "The reason I was admitted in the hospital and the reason I was/am self-harming is because littlesolaris is an abuser". I 100% acknowledged that what he said was valid, I did say A LOT of nasty things to him during this fight and the ones before, I apologized, and I committed to working on my trauma, and to heal this wounded part of me. However, the timeline of that accusation is just bluntly wrong! I felt like I was living through a second betrayal. My partner who was so devoted to me and devoted to making it all work, reframed me as the villain and cut back on a lot of commitments he made prior, citing they were "made under duress".

For the first several months of his dysregulation (following February 2025), he would self-harm (or throw things around, punch walls, break things) independently of my voice/tone/or even the things that I said. I would even often times soothe him and reassure him, while shoving my desire to get clarity about the affairs he had. This continued for MONTHS. My understanding is that at some point my nervous system had enough and had to discharge all the pain I was carrying. This does not excuse my actions, though it does help maintain a sense of reality of what came first, and I absolutely knew, that I did not enter the relationship being abusive.

What is happening now: He's been living with his folks for the past 3 weeks. We've been mostly minimal contact. As part of our agreement post betrayal (as agreed in therapy), he was supposed to keep his devices accessible to me, though he decided to wipe them remotely without telling me, he justified it as "I need to be able to talk freely with my support people". Mind, I NEVER went into his private messages, though having the devices available provided reassurance. On another example, when we do talk about logistics or things that require collaboration, he lashes out. He thinks I am here to fight him. I called him A week ago after a miscommunication happened and he started the call with: "Let's go, let's do this!", like he was preparing to have some sort of battle with me? 4 days ago, when he dropped off our dog, he had a mental breakdown when I asked him to send me the therapeutic separation document we started working on. He said his therapist told him not to do that, so he won't. This was a last-minute change from what we agreed upon and it sabotaged my own therapy session during that day. That was a wake up call for me.

The next day (March the 18th, 2026) we had a couple's therapy session, during which we were supposed to go through the therapeutic separation document (the one I was meant to discuss with my therapist prior). I ended up reading a letter I wrote after having a call with my therapist, who was alarmed that his state began influencing my needs and my own recovery, and who advised me to stop couples therapy, until there is more structure from his side, including him going into rehab. I said that the episodes during the past several days greatly destabilized me, and proved to me, that collaboration at this point is impossible. Therefore, I am making the decision to stop working on the relationship, I'm pausing the situation completely, and I am taking one week of no contact to regulate, because I've noticed the time apart actually helped me soothe my nervous system, whereas for him, it seemed to have done the opposite. He accepted my conditions, but he was very angry throughout the call. "This was a very revealing call", he said.

My question: does anyone else have experience with a partner flipping like this? I am constantly doubting my reality. I feel like I am going insane and I cannot recognize the person I was with for the past year. The only reason I decided to give this relationship a go, and continue being with him, was because he was remorseful and trying his best to do the right things for him and for me. And now everything has flipped. He's the victim, I'm the villain. He even mentioned that I should go to rehab! And went as far as calling me an addict! Massive projection happening.

I'm wanting to extend the no contact as long as possible, and I intend to do my absolute best, although it's insanely hard because despite all this I miss him greatly, to honor my boundary of not continuing the relationship before I have a rehab starting date, or him actually being there. We live together, we have a dog, and finding a new apartment is going to be both incredibly inconvenient, as well as not cheap.

If anybody can offer me any advice or input, I would be very grateful. I feel so very lost.

Hi Max, I was thinking about your thread and wanted to check in. You were carrying a lot here, especially with the kids and everything feeling so stuck. How have things been going since then?

Hi lisaea1523,

Welcome to the family. I’m really glad you found your way here, even if it’s under such heavy circumstances.

What you described really stood out to me, especially that feeling of just sitting in the same space together in silence, not knowing what’s coming next. Not knowing if things are going to move toward repair, fall apart, or just stay stuck in that limbo can really wear you down over time.

I used to think of it like the emotional ground is always shifting under your feet. With someone who has those kinds of intense emotional patterns, feelings can change so quickly they almost feel like quicksilver. Just when you think you understand where things are at, it moves again. It makes it really hard to feel steady.

And having a 10-week-old on top of all this… that’s a lot. I remember those early stages with kids, and even in stable situations it can be exhausting. When you add in tension and unpredictability in the home, it doesn’t just add stress, it amplifies everything. It makes it harder to think clearly, harder to reset, harder to breathe.

It also makes a lot of sense that boundaries feel easier with others but much harder with him. Especially when it feels like you’re having to come back and hold the same line over and over again. That feeling of “we’re back here again… really?” can get exhausting fast.

And when you’re already drained, even small things can start to feel monumental. It’s not that you don’t know what to do, it’s just that the energy to do it isn’t always there in the moment.

One thing I did notice is that you’re already seeing a lot of what’s going on. You’re noticing how much his emotions affect yours, and that something needs to shift. That kind of awareness matters.

You’ve also already taken some solid steps with seeing a doctor and getting on a waitlist for therapy, especially with everything else going on right now.

If you feel up to it, how have things been since you last posted? Has anything shifted at all, even a little bit?

Hi Princess Ruth,

Just wanted to check in and see how things have been going for you since your last posts.

You were trying to make sense of something that shifted really quickly, and that kind of change can leave a lot of questions behind - especially when things felt good just before.

If you feel up to it, we’d be glad to hear how things have been going on your side.

And if you’ve just needed some space or time to process, that’s completely understandable too - just didn’t want your thread to go quiet without someone reaching out.

Hi BeagleDad1,

Just wanted to check in and see how you’ve been doing since your last post.

You shared a lot, and sometimes after putting something like that out there, things can get busy or just hard to come back to.

If you feel up to it, we’d be glad to hear how things have been going.

And if not, that’s completely okay too - just didn’t want your post to sit here without someone reaching out.

After a half century of living as she has been living, your attempts - and some counseling attempts - in the past having failed, - it is probably unlikely your spouse will work toward improving her mental health.  It could happen but you can't rely on that outcome.

If you should choose to divorce, it will be mostly about financial and property issues, mostly assets and debts/loans.  Of course your spouse will try to sabotage and make it far more complicated than necessary.

If she hasn't worked in recent years, she may claim poverty and want you to pay her lawyers' bills.  What seems to work best for most of us is that each spouse's lawyer bills are paid from what is left after the finances are split.  What is the difference?  If you agree to pay her bills, she would feel there no limit to what her lawyers can bill.  However, if she knows her lawyer will be paid from what she receives at the end of the divorce, she may realize she is paying them, they would be taking from her money, what she gets from the divorce.  She wouldn't mind spending your money, but if it's her money...

Since your youngest daughter is nearly an adult, any custody and parenting issues ought to be quite short term.  The remaining concern might be how support is structured during the college years.  For example, what if you agree to pay her housing during university but she chooses to live with her mother?

Do you have concerns for your daughters?  Since they've grown up in a somewhat dysfunctional home, do they truly know deep inside what normalcy really is, are they prepared for life and choosing healthy relationships?  I ask because the examples at home were of an unpredictable parent and an appeasing parent.  There is a risk that they may feel - unconsciously - inclined to respond to someone like their mother's example or someone like their father's example.

If there is a divorce, how would they react?  Would they side with mother, father, or be able to discern what was unhealthy/dysfunctional?  If they haven't had counseling, that would be something highly recommended for them.  Their mother hasn't responded much over the years, but there ought to be hope for the children.