Mazie-
I am the daughter of a now deceased BPD mother (who lived up to an advanced age). I can relate to your emotional responses to your mother. Even with our own rational thinking, a connection to God, knowing that this is a mentally ill person, even with forgiveness for them- we have a response to what has been an unpredictable and at times, scary parent.

Therapy may not have helped your mother much but it can help you. Some therapies- like EMDR can help you work on your own emotional responses but if this isn't needed- being aware of them and learning some self care for them can help. 

For some people, no contact is the better decision, if contact is emotionally unsafe. In other situations, (the one I chose)- low contact - tolerating/managing some distress- is a choice. Low contact doesn't only mean not seeing them as much. It's also the content of the contact and being less emotionally reactive.

One of the pitfalls I learned is to avoid the "invitation" to discuss issues. Think of pwBPD as feeling like victims. These discussions inevitably trigger a dysregulation, as you have seen. While in a normal situation, airing out feelings can lead to better understanding- it just doesn't work in this situation.

It's difficult to accept limitations in a relationship with a parent. I think we will always want resolution and emotional closeness. We want our parents to think well of us. However, BPD tends to affect the closest relationships the most. Your mother may not be able to respond in the way you wish she would.

During her elder years, phone calls with my mother consisted of her telling me her own feelings, mostly of disappointment with caretakers, or medical people, sharing her own emotional pain. Keep in mind that if someone is overwhelmed with their own emotional distress- sharing anything about yourself- that you have autism, that you feel hurt by her behaviors- is likely to lead to them disreguating.  It's good to have a support system for yourself- with people who can be supportive if you are in contact with your mother. A therapist, friend, spouse is a safer person to share these with.

Feeling FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt- these are common. Although you are not responsible for your mother's feelings- her projections and blame lead to feeling that way. Make the decision on how much contact you have based on your own emotional well being. As I said- for some people it's just too much of an emotional toll, and others can manage some limited contact. It's an individual decision. It's hard to not feel guilty about not having contact- but work with a therapist, someone who can help you manage your feelings.

Hi Gary Thomas,

Another member here

I first found this site when my udd was 14yo and she is now 31yo, so yep Ive been here a while.

The support here is great as there are others here who truly get what you are going through, and honestly without it I think I would have truly gone insane a long time ago.

I dont have experience of ECT but I do have ample experience of the total chaos that can come with living with a pwbpd within the home.

I really hope that this treatment works for you and your family.

Here's the thing- a relationship is between two people who love each other and want a life together.  He's doing some work and you are seeing positive changes, which is all you could hope for.  My kid is BPD/bipolar as well and suspect the same for my ex- when they're happy, they're SOOOO happy and fun to be around.  The downside is reckless thinking...'let's jump over the couch to make the kids laugh' sort of thing...only to shatter the glass coffee table in the process.

You have a part to play as well and it might not be as abundantly clear since he won't verbalize it (because he literally can't).  First and foremost, he needs a partner that's on his side and supports him...and of course you do that.  Saying that to him though goes a vey long way in letting him know that the recent changes are welcome and you appreciate his hard work in therapy.

The other side of that is boundaries, which are for you. 

Boundaries are an easy thing to get wrong in the mental health world because we want to say, "Stop leaving the toilet seat up or else!"  And maybe we say that in a completely different way, but that's ultimately what the BPD in our lives hears regardless.  It comes off as a confrontational challenge that only makes things worse.

The right way to enforce healthy boundaries is when he crosses a line, speak about it directly and lay out the options.  For example, if he starts ranting and yelling, you could reply softly, calmly and say, "We've both had a tough day and I don't want to argue.  I'm going to go grab a drink and we can talk this out in a few minutes." 

This lets him calm down, it lets you refocus, and maybe the argument can be avoided.

But here's the other thing it does.  Every time he starts getting loud, you're telling him in a kind, non-confrontational way that you're stepping away for a few minutes.  And if it escalates, then maybe you bring the kids for ice cream or to visit grandma...that sort of thing. 

But whatever you do, you're making it known that he's fully in control- calm down, take a breath, and we'll talk.  Keep it up and I'm walking away because that's what is best for both of us right now.  It's him choosing every time, and you let him make that choice.

When it comes to odd looks and snide laughs, you need to decide if it's enough to make a boundary over.  For me, I'd just let it go, but sometimes it might not be possible.  It's something we'll always have to work though as we pick our battles and figure out how to express that they're acting like a child, yet we still love and support them.

I hope that helps!

Thanks for the response Pook, I really appreciate it!  The laugh is definitely more in line with your daughter, it is definitely not something nice that is going through his head. I have just let it slip without saying anything, with the exception of this past time as it was so strange and he was holding our daughter. This often accompanies the eye rolls, head shakes, etc…the issue is I often have no idea why he is doing all of this. I know it’s directed at me, because in the not so distant past, he would scream at me and make it known how mad he was because clearly I was cheating because “my hair was in a ponytail”, “I didn’t turn the light on in the laundry room when I did laundry at noon and there is a window in the laundry room”, “I wore a white tank top to work”, I went to work, etc. My tactic lately has been to pretty much ignore him and let him feel his feelings, but not respond, as I don’t want to even acknowledge the craziness. My h definitely has some sort of bipolar on top of the BPD, as he has his manic phases as well, where he is completely crazy, chasing the kids around the house, tickling them, eating a complete package of Oreos, candy bars and any other cookies in the house, not sleeping, etc. He is in DBT therapy and a mandatory DV therapy. I work on my part daily, but have started to notice myself getting frustrated more lately. Yes, things are better since he isn’t yelling at me or the kids, but the hard part is the crazy judgment is still there and coming oit is strange ways.

You're absolutely right. It's more so, I would have loved to be there with her. For her to show me her city, her favourite places. Make memories. Now she'll do it, but not with me... I'll never *truly* move on, I just know myself. The fact that I threw away a story like this will stay with me forever, because I was 100% the reason we broke up, but then on top of all my guilt, she did this to me, if I could go back in time, consciously, I would avoid meeting her. I'd rather live a full life never knowing this kind of love, never having a connection this deeper again over ruining it and basically getting emotionally cheated on, by the same woman in whose arms I wanted to die. I could go on and on just typing whatever, but the truth is that I can't take it, and don't know how else to put it. Not sure how to cope. Just knowing I was the only guy in the world for her to essentially not even being a memory is too much for me to take. I've had a lot of flings, less relationships because I need a genuine connection and depth to even just talk to someone, but even in my happiest relationships this one was ALWAYS on my mind. Went out with some friends tonight, stayed out until 3 AM, around 2 AM I started thinking about her and couldn't stop. I come home and cry because she's not here with me. I'm pathetic, I feel pathetic and lost. I moved on so easily from other relationship, including deep ones where I really liked the girl, so why can't I do it now??

Hi Gary Thomas and I am glad you are here. It sure is a real forum – a place here people understand what you are I going through. It sounds as though there may be a turning point soon – hopefully!

The Mayo Clinic has a very good reputation and the fact that it has picked up on the medication issue is very hopeful.

I have friends who have had ECT. One is a girl who has bipolar. A few years ago now she was in a very bad way, anting to die – she would phone me every morning about 7 am and just say over and over again ‘I want to die’.

My friend was hospitalised quite a few times during this period and her medication was adjusted. Nothing shifted. I was in despair, thinking that my dear friend would be like this for the rest of her days. Then she mentioned they were going to try ECT.

I was a bit hesitant because I had all the negatives in my head from 40 years ago. Anyway, I was so pleasantly surprised! She had a couple of sessions and her memory was not too good for a while after each one. But the effect was excellent – she was able to pick up her life and no talk of wanting to die.

A few years later she started to go backwards – this time they didn’t wait so long. She had another treatment or 2 and has been stable since – a few years back now.

I hope your DD will have a similar outcome – and I think Mayo C will be a great support for you and your family. Thinking of you and hoping this is a turning point for you all.

Hi Gary Thomas and I am glad you are here. It sure is a real forum – a place here people understand what you are I going through. It sounds as though there may be a turning point soon – hopefully!

The Mayo Clinic has a very good reputation and the fact that it has picked up on the medication issue is very hopeful.

I have friends who have had ECT. One is a girl who has bipolar. A few years ago now she was in a very bad way, anting to die – she would phone me every morning about 7 am and just say over and over again ‘I want to die’.

My friend was hospitalised quite a few times during this period and her medication was adjusted. Nothing shifted. I was in despair, thinking that my dear friend would be like this for the rest of her days. Then she mentioned they were going to try ECT.

I was a bit hesitant because I had all the negatives in my head from 40 years ago. Anyway, I was so pleasantly surprised! She had a couple of sessions and her memory was not too good for a while after each one. But the effect was excellent – she was able to pick up her life and no talk of wanting to die.

A few years later she started to go backwards – this time they didn’t wait so long. She had another treatment or 2 and has been stable since – a few years back now.

I hope your DD will have a similar outcome – and I think Mayo C will be a great support for you and your family. Thinking of you and hoping this is a turning point for you all.

Hi CC43,

Thanks for the validation and very perceptive response. Yes her behaviour makes me incredibly angry but you know how it is, anger is never going to be a productive response with a pwbpd. Don’t get me started! Despite my own dysregulation towards D6 that horrible day, at least I can be proud that I do stand up for the kids at times like these. We have four kids and the youngest is nearly 1 year old. Because my wife has co-slept and breast fed them all, she uses that excuse why she needs to sleep later in the morning. You are right, I get them all up and ready in the morning, nappies/toilets, dressed, breakfast, hair, teeth, shoes, I also get their school bags and water ready etc.Tbh I like getting them ready cos she’s not there to stress me out hahaha. She also has a dog boarding business which I do most of the care and she just meets the owners and sends them selfies with the dogs I look after for her. The annoying thing in the morning is if she comes downstairs and I forget to say good morning beautiful or something and talk about the kids or work or something else then sometimes she flips out over that. So atm I work two days and she does college two days. She seems to be doing ok but needs lots of help academically as she has dyslexia and her education was poor. She has already gone from splitting her amazing new friends from white to black which is almost funny as it’s so predictable and I’m just like, yeahhhh… and do you notice who’s actually still here for you? As always? Yes that would be me. I will take on board what you said about the situation and I think if such a thing happens again I can kindly remind the kids, Mummy wouldn’t like that (as in, we need to remember Mummy is not normal and as they grow up they will learn what mental instability is…) I hope I can support them through all this, I know their mother’s behaviour will affect them but the last thing I definitely don’t want is for them to end up as adults with controlling and disordered partners.

Hi everyone. I´ve shared so far a lot about my story, but there´s one piece that still I haven´t talked about in this forum. It happened on May 13, it was the last time we talked. It was a descend into human madness and somehow I felt relieved after that, but then I got worse, and worse and worse. I´ll explain in detail what happened:

It was 8:15 pm. I was at the barber when I received a phone call. When I finished getting my haircut I looked at my phone. I was her. She never calls out of the blue, she always asks on whatsapp first if she can call. I was surprised to say the least, it had been one month since our last conversation that ended with her crying claiming "I´m so sorry that i can´t give you what you ask for". Anyway, I called her back:

"Hi, did you call me?"
"No, It was just a mistake"

That´s when I took a deep breath to control my first impulse. Instead, I just said

"Okay, bye"

And I hunged up. I kept walking on the street when I received three text messages from her. It took her 5 minutes to erase them, but I could read them. She was asking me the following:

"I wanted to know why I´m not enough for you?"

I guess you can imagine how I felt when I read that. I mean, how on Earth can a person who has left you, who has broken up with you twice can come three months later and ask you that? I got both anxious and angry. I couldn´t understand anything. So, when I got home that evening we talked. We where on the phone for 2-3 hours and this is what happened.

"Hi, why do you think that exactly?"
"It´s just that I can´t understand how is it that you want to be with me if I´m not your type"

I never said I had a type. I just said once months ago that I thought wavy hair was fine (she has wavy hair) and that also some women are ok with a fringe. I´ll continue, it just got worse:

"Are you again wondering about the girl who drew a portrait of my demised dog?" (long story short; she got mad at me due to one girl I just saw once in my life and before being with her)
"Not just that. I know there are more"

I was shocked. She was telling me I liked another girl I didn´t know about! I asked her:

"What do you mean?"
"You do like this girl in my class!! I know that"

Let´s call this girl Barbara. She claimed that I felt attracted to Barbara, a girl to whom I have never talked to, because she had the physical traits and features that I once described. The reality is that the only thing this girl has is a fringe and she somegow reaches to such conclusion. She also said that, since she has to see Barbara everyday in class, if she is in a relationship with me she can´t be comfortable in class knowing that I feel terribly attracted to Barbara. I said that all of that is made up, that it wasn´t true and it was all in her head. Her response was

"How can you tell me it is all in my head?! I know it is true!! You said (something made up in her mind)!!!"

This was absolutely crazy to be honest. She once gave pancakes to an ex of her (she´s been in 5 relationships and she´s just 22) while being with me, but I am the one that was cheating/attracted to someone else. She then started to say that I knew she wasn´t comfotable with those comments about other people´s physical features, and yet I never stopped making those kinds of comments. The reality is that I just said that once, and I always told her how much I liked her and what i liked about her. But still, I started to doubt about my own reality, because I couldn´t remember saying those things, like at all.

The conversation followed. At that time I wanted to work things out, and so I told her that. She said that I had disrespected her when I told her what I thought about her behaviour (I wrote it in another post), that I never listened to her. The reason I never listened, according to her was that when she got mad at me for something she was making up, I should be able to know why she was angry. That her getting mad is enough for me to know (i.e. I have to be  a mind reader). I said that i wanted to make the effort to work things out, and her response was

"Is what I´m asking even an effort!!!?"

And I also said that, according to what i said about her behaviour, that if it were the other way around, she could be honest with me, that I wouldn´t get mad at her for telling me how she felt about my behaviour in case it were necessary. Well, she responded me calling me names and saying that I was justifying disrespecting her.

It was like talking to a 5 year old. The conversation ended with her saying the following:

"I´ve been thinking for a while if I am the problem, because this has happened to me many times"

I couldn´t believe what she just said. But then she said

"No!!!! Both of us are the problem!!!"

I haven´t heard from her since that day. Like I said at the beginning, I felt relieved. I was feeling guilty, carrying a baggage for what I said when I communicated to her that her behaviour was not ok, that she needed help and that I wasn´t responsible for her emotional state. After that, I saw that she kept making things up, even worse than when we were together. So clearly, it was never about me, even though she kept putting the blame on me for her making everything up. However, I felt like in her mind she had rewritten the whole story. One week before the break up she told me she was very happy with me, that I treated her very well and she wanted to be with me forever, but now she was saying that I was just "attentive", just that. That I didn´t listen, that I said things that bothered her even though I knew those things bothered her, that I had failed her, etc. I was the bad guy, even though I gave everything I had, I tried over and over to make her feel loved, heard and understood, losing myself in the proccess. I started to think I was a failure, that I was a monster. Weeks went by and I didn´t know anything more about her and kept wondering what was the point of that phone call, because I couldn´t understand anything. At all.

Now I don´t the place I stand anymore. I don´t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

What do you think about all this? I need some guidance. I´m at a lost.

I understand. I helped my wife open her business. I helped it grow by opening another branch of the business. I then put all my time and effort into opening yet another business, and it is sad when all that seems to be thrown away.

But you have to look at things differently. There shouldn’t be any other reason why you love someone, other than it just being love. Any other reason, like status, or where our partner can provide us a place to live, just becomes a transactional relationship, and that isn’t a good basis for a relationship.