You are not alone in having an elderly mother with BPD who makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays. It is especially difficult to be the only daughter of a mother with BPD. You will soon hear from others on this site who are very familiar with a situation like yours. My mother with BPD is deceased.

 
I always dread the holidays. I'm the eldest child and only daughter of a mom with BPD. She is emotionally erratic this time of year, expects me to do a lot of the holiday prep for family gatherings while she rages and complains. She is in her mid-80s. I'm in my 60s. Her weakness and mobility issues mean I feel obligated to help. I'm sad that holidays are times of dread instead of joy.

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and wanted to start a discussion about something I think many of us struggle with — balancing compassion with self-protection when a parent has Borderline Personality Disorder.

In my case, my parent’s emotional swings and sensitivity can make even small interactions unpredictable. I’ve been reading about setting healthy boundaries, but it’s still incredibly difficult not to feel guilty or responsible when they become upset.

I’d love to hear how others manage:

How do you maintain contact without being drawn into emotional chaos?

What has helped you separate your own sense of self from their reactions?

Are there specific coping tools or routines that have made a real difference for you?

I’m hoping this can be a space where we can share what’s actually worked — not just theory, but real strategies for day-to-day life.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to learning from your experiences.

— Scott

This is the first time I have posted on this board, and I've only read a few posts on here off and on over the past couple of years. So, I'm not sure of everything that is going on. My husband of 24 years broke up with me like it was a high school breakup over the phone last month. He isn't diagnosed with BPD, but I have mentioned to him that he may have bipolar disorder. Anyway, he went up north to find work with the union back in June, and everything seemed like it was okay, and we were starting over in our family. Over the next few months, I noticed he wasn't calling or texting as much, and his messages were concise, and the conversations didn't have a proper ending like (I'll talk to you later, or I'll call you later... etc). Then I questioned him about it through text. And he replied, " I'm busy working right now, but we will talk later." (I already had a gut feeling that he was starting to go through his episodes again). But I called him a couple of weeks later because I needed comfort about my grades in school, and he told me I have always had a hard time with time management, and tried to give me pointers on how and when to study. But then he changes the subject and tells me he does not think we should stay married anymore. He said he prayed, and prayed to god, and god told him not to stay married to me. Then says he's not mad at me, but we tried marriage counseling. It didn't work (which was a chaotic mess), and he felt that the new town he was working in with the union (heavy equipment operator) is quiet/peaceful, and he thought he would be afraid of being alone, but now he feels better, because he likes being alone. After all, no one is nagging him. I asked him if he was cheating on me again, like 3 times, and he said no. There's only men up there (huh?). Then proceeds to ask me if I want him to pray for me about our conversation (what?). Meanwhile, we have a house and mortgage to pay for, our 22-year-old daughter still lives with us and needs support because she is going to community college, and we have a 10-year-old and three dogs. One of the dogs is his emotional support animal. I'm here paying bills and maintaining the home, and he is up in Northern California acting like it's okay for him to stay and live there in a fifth wheeler that he is renting from an AA friend he met in a meeting. He is an alcoholic, but has been sober for 3 years, smokes cigarettes heavily, and smokes marijuana heavily. Before he left, he was using psilocybin. Also, before he left, I made sure he had his prescription medication in his truck for depression and ptsd (that he would take off and on); however, it took me 6 years until January of this year to finally get him to take medication for his mental health. This is the second time he broke up with me; the first time, he asked for a divorce because I found out, when I left him for his behavior, that he was actually seeing someone. I didn't know until he asked for a divorce, and I was living with my parents for only 2 weeks, but the kids were still with him in the house. (When I left, it was supposed to be a break from the arguing, not a separation or divorce.) Anyway, when I asked him then if he was cheating on me, he said it was none of my business, and it didn't matter. He also didn't think I should come back to our house. He also said he prayed to god several times and god told him not to stay married to me. Then a notification on YouTube popped up about some old guy with a beard who was making videos about how his wife left him, and he was trying to give relationship advice. So he watched it and believed everything the guy was saying, and he was on an app and received a notification on the app, and it was another woman who ended up being the person he would get with. He thought that god was telling him that it was his soul mate, because he was asking god to send him someone who would love him. Anyway, that was over 6 years ago. When I moved back in after 4 months, he told me his dog saved his life, and this new woman saved his life. He just kept going on and on about how she was cool, and he felt like he loved her, and she had her own business. But he wasn't working; he refused to work after he couldn't get hired. I tried to help him find jobs, and my dad tried to help him find jobs. Then I told him to take a break for 1 year, because I felt he was putting too much pressure on himself. It was heartbreaking for me because I was with him through everything, while he was in the military for 20 years and after his retirement. Then he said he is trying to see me as he used to see me, but he is having a hard time. We have known each other since high school. Now, I'm not a saint. I did hurt him one time (No, I wasn't physical with anyone, but I regretfully was talking with someone on the phone, and he found out about it). And 'til this day, I wish I could go back in time to undo what I did. I repented and told everyone what I did, including my family, his, and our pastor. I tried extensively to prove myself to him. Anyhow, I thought we were making improvements, but he started smoking marijuana again heavily all day, and started taking psilocybin because he felt self-medicating with plants was better. He asked me if he could start self-medicating again, and I expressed my concern and told him I don't think it will work. But he kept asking and asking because he said he needed my blessing. So I finally said yes. But my gut feeling was telling me otherwise. Now I feel like any steps of improvement we made have just gone back to square zero. He logged off of our family Life360 this morning. I gave his sponsor his new number last month because apparently, he didn't give it to him when he changed it in order to add Starlink to his service. His sponsor has been trying to contact him for a couple of months until he asked for it. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like he broke up with me for the second time, and he is in a new town, 500 miles from us- his sponsor, his VA counselor, family, and friends from AA. I also feel like he is trying to force me to file divorce or separation papers. I'm sooo pissed and frustrated and hurt all at the same time. I don't know how else to help him other than to pray and ask for prayers, so that is what I have been doing for 2 weeks, just asking for prayers and writing prayer requests. I know it is my fault for not trying to find out what he needed, it's my fault for hurting him. Even though I tried, it felt like a roller coaster every day, or the expectations to do what he wanted were unrealistic to the point where it felt like he was looking for a reason to break it off.
Anyway, out of all we have been through, I still love him; he is my husband and the father of our three children.

* I'm sorry for ranting

Hi Sweetly,

I'd hate to see your SIL ruin Thanksgiving for everyone else in your family.  I think I'd risk it, attend the event and keep a close eye on the two-year-old, not allowing your SIL to get near.  At 8/9, I think your other kids are old enough to heed your instructions not to be alone with SIL.  Plus, they'll probably want to hang out with any other kids anyway.  If the kids peel off to entertain themselves, maybe you or your husband decide to "chaperone."  Alternatively, maybe you insist the kids stay within earshot: "You can watch a movie/play a game any day, but today is a special family day and I want you to stay with me and socialize with your cousins."  Maybe you give them kitchen tasks so you can keep a closer eye on them at all times.
 
If your SIL is that angry, chances are she might not even show up on Thanksgiving.  If she does show up, maybe she'll behave because there are many witnesses.  If she does have a meltdown, maybe she'll storm off, and the rest of the family can shake it off and continue with the festivities.  If she becomes hostile to you or the kids, and if nobody intervenes to try to calm things down, you're free to make an excuse and leave, hoping to avert a scene.  Maybe you "set the stage" for a possible quick exit by stating beforehand you have another house to visit that day, or that your toddler will need to go home early for a nap.

I know this is not ideal.  I guess I've come to the point of being sick and tired bending over backwards, walking on eggshells and accommodating inappropriate behavior on holidays because of BPD.  I guess my boundary is that when it comes to family, especially holidays which are about togetherness, I'm not allowing the pwBPD to isolate me.  If she has a meltdown, she has a meltdown, and I let her go ahead and have one.  I know it's hard on the kids, but so is isolating them from the rest of the family.

Just my two cents.  Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Hi White Rose,

I think your screen name stands for a fresh start and eternal love, which is fitting.  Welcome to the boards.  I'd invite you to take a look at some posts, and I imagine you'll read many themes which resonate.  There are countless stories here of years of tumultuous relationships, feeling shell-shocked, worrying, trying to get help, depression, resentment, alienation and grief.  Though each kid is different, there can be some predictable patterns of behavior with BPD.  Let me guess:  your daughter is excessively needy and struggling to make her way as an adult, even though she's smart and seemingly capable in many ways.  Her negative outlook, victim attitude and wild emotions sabotage her, as she destroys every important relationship in her life.  Sometimes I think the worst part of BPD is the victim attitude, because it renders her powerless over her life!  She's so busy feeling aggrieved and traumatized, while blaming everyone else for her all problems, that she can't find a way to move herself forward.  She just can't get past the past.  She feels so angry and resentful that she can't even think straight, and her wild accusations seem increasingly inappropriate, even delusional.  Sometimes she'll completely shut down and shut out everyone, and though that provides a little respite from the chaos she creates, you're scared because you don't have contact.  Does that sound about right?

I guess one of the key tips here is to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if you are a mess, a complete basket case, seeing everything through a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  You didn't cause your daughter's BPD (no matter how much she accuses you), and you can't cure it.  Only your daughter can decide to get help (and take it seriously).  It is possible to turn things around, but your daughter has to be the one to decide to do that for herself.  In the meantime, I think you should take exquisite care of YOU.  If you need therapy, then go get it.  If you need a break, then take it, and in a few days or weeks you can re-assess.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that means taking care of you first, as well as having some fun, including pursuit of hobbies and having a social life.  How does that sound?

Thanksgiving can be a day long affair with relatives dropping in at different times, sometimes going to more than one celebration. Could you arrange to be at your MIL's when your SIL is not there, possibly receive a phone call after she has left?

There are so many reasons why we work so hard to fix relationships that can't be fixed even when we barely know the person. Some examples: 1) Growing up in a family in which the parents' needs were the priority instead of the children's. How we are treated by our family of origin (FOO) is the core of who we are. When we are abused, this is a life long sorrow. It is natural to hope our family will genuinely make amends at some time, whereas with less important relationships we can more easily move on. 2) Wanting to never treat anyone as badly as we were treated. 3) Wanting to give back and not judge others too harshly. Most of my life, I was indeed not a very nice person most of the time, because my role models for how to treat others were so flawed. I am very appreciative of people who took the time to help me. I am always pleasantly surprised at who I can help and saddened by those people who there seems to be no hope for. I am sure that for many years, there were people who though I had a personality disorder.

Gosh....I say "welcome" but....also, sorry you have to be in this club!  My pwBPD (daughter) was diagnosed about 3 years ago (I will save you the saga, as my story is not nearly as painful as some....she has ghosted our family & I hear from hear when she needs something (I probably sound "non-chalant"....I have talked about it SO much, I am just at the "Jesus Take The Wheel" point!) what has helped me....I joined NAMI (National Associational Mental (can't remember the I), (strongly recommend reading (ironically, pwBPD suggested these:) Stop Walking On Eggshells and I Hate You Don't Leave Me; I found a therapist who deals with parents of children with BPD; my main suggestion, try to hold onto your JOY (it has taken my 3 years of crying every holiday, birthday, etc.) and never blame yourself (I poured over pictures, cards, (how did I not SEE this?) I hope that helps a little? please feel free to reach out, if you like!  Good luck!

I didn't think my BPD mother would be a deliberate physical danger to my kids- but I also didn't trust she had the capacity to actually be an adult with them. It's similar to why I wouldn't leave my kids with a 6 year old to watch them. The 6 year old wouldn't hurt them on purpose but isn't emotionally mature or responsible enough to be left alone with kids. In this situation, it was not safe to have them alone with my mother.

The potential danger was emotional. I knew she wouldn't act out in front of them but she would enlist them as her emotional caretakers and also triangulate with them against me or other family members. It's not a child's job to make an adult feel better about themselves. I didn't want to put the kids in that situation.

It was easy to not leave them alone with her when they were little and needed supervision. She didn't have an interest in dealing with small children- arguing, diapers, getting into things. Other adults were always there. It was when they were older and not needing this kind of supervision that she would try to get them to be alone with her. Again, I didn't fear overtly abusive behavior- but was concerned she'd confide in them, put them in an emotional caretaker position.

We had a secret buddy rule with the older kids. Don't go off with BPD mother alone. This was easy to do because they didn't want to be alone with her. It's not that she did anything to them to make them feel this way but they sensed her poor boundaries, her emotional needs and felt uncomfortable. So they stayed together as a group and mostly I was with them too.

Same with phone calls. If we called her from home, I put her on speaker phone. She would get angry at this. She wanted one on one with them. I never mentioned the boundaries but she could perceive this.

They are adults now. When they got cell phones, I didn't give the numbers to BPD mother but she got them anyway from other people and would call them, also somehow seemingly pleased when she got around the boundary. At this point, they had their own boundaries and I left it up to them. One didn't mind communicating with her, another child didn't want to.

Having a hard- NC - boundary with BPD mother would have been a huge issue making it hard to get together as a family at all. I wanted to avoid a big dramatic issue like that. I never mentioned the soft boundaries to her. We just did it. I discussed mental illness and BPD with the kids at the age of young teens - of course they knew to not mention this to her. I wanted them to understand this about her and also about why it was a challenging relationship for me. It's not "normal" to have these boundaries with a mother. I didn't want them to think I was being mean or neglectful to her.

I think you are correct to trust your gut and have some boundaries in place- that you can be comfortable with whatever they are. Your children are your #1 priority here. You can also gage your SIL's effect on them by their emotional reactions. If they don't want to be around her much- that tells you something. Also frequency makes a difference. If it's just once in a while, the effect is less. We didn't live near my mother and so visits were not as frequent as if we did.

However, the boundaries I had with my kids took into consideration that my BPD mother would not be physically abusive to them. If that was a possibility, I'd have avoided all contact with her. I knew this because, she could be verbally and emotionally abusive but she wasn't physically abusive. If you have any concerns of physical harm, then do what you need to do to keep your kids safe.

You also have the added concern of the cousins. I'd be mindful of behavioral issues on their part. Not that it's inevitable. We were good kids in general and hung out with our cousins who didn't have a BPD mother. None of us did anything "bad" but I think it was about equal for us when it came to being silly and mischevious sometimes (kid stuff) . But watch out for any possible behavior issues.