If you have a normal, healthy mind you will be confused. You will be trying to work out what is going on in your ex’s head, but given a pwBPD is driven by emotions not logic, they probably don’t understand what is going on in their own head half of the time, let alone someone else, especially someone that has been romantically involved with them, can fully understand either.
I’m just over two years out, from a 27 year relationship. We have two adult children. We have three dogs that stay with me but she comes round to take them out for a walk, usually when I am at work, so we are still in contact but I keep contact to bare minimum. She jumped straight into another relationship. Now, she has tried to make comparisons with him to me. For example, I used to manage my sons soccer team. I hate the sport, but I did it for him and his friends and fellow team members because no one else would do it. She tried saying he did the same thing for his son. I know he didn’t, anyone familiar with soccer will be familiar with running the line and that is the extent of his ‘running a soccer team’ basically flagging for offside. Every parent does this at some point, and it is nothing like organising a football team, training them, marking the pitch, putting up goals and everything else that goes with it, but she tried to make out he is like me. I have berated him for going on a public Facebook page moaning about someone parking their car on the road near his house, and when people disagreed with him, he just started calling people c***s, because he has no intelligence. She said I do the same thing, because I once got in a bit of an argument with someone on a forum that had been derogatory about people with Autism. I used my intelligence to make them look stupid, without name calling, which lead to them being banned from the forum, because their level of intelligence was similar to her boyfriends. Now logic tells me she is trying to make a comparison to justify her poor life choice because those comparisons don’t stack up…. but her emotions……
For the first year, she would message me every morning, without fail. That is until she moved in with her boyfriend, but even though she would trigger me, since moving in with him, would lead to me telling her some home truths would then lead to her blocking me, she would then unblock me within days, if not within hours. Logic would tell me she’s not invested in her boyfriend if she was still messaging me first thing every morning. I was still sleeping with her for that first year behind her boyfriends back, so again logic ……….
She would tell me to move on, and hope I find the perfect woman I was looking for, and try saying I left her (because she basically made it that I had to move out) and I am now with another woman, but after a couple of arguments she has phoned our eldest son and been in tears to him about my girlfriend, and she has been rude about her in messages to me even though she has never met her, so again logic says she isn’t the one that has really moved on.
She messaged me a few weeks ago apologising for not taking the dogs out that morning, which is something she has never apologised for in the past……. Why she did that, I could come to a logical conclusion but whether it makes sense in her reality who knows!
She messaged me last week, it was the 9 year anniversary of my dads death, to say that she was thinking of me ……… bearing in mind the first year we had split up she had basically used my dads birthday to invite me over for dinner, ply me with alcohol so I couldn’t drive home and end up staying the night and sleeping with her, so again logic could tell me one thing yet her reality?
The thing is a pwBPD can not be on their own. They are not emotionally stable and grounded enough to be on their own, and any relationship they have a fear of abandonment, and personally I think they always need a backup plan. A safety net, a comfort blanket. If things go pear shaped they need to know there is someone there to catch them when they fall. They know that we have been there for them in the past, that we have been their rock, or their lighthouse leading them to safety. So while our logic tells us that their actions show that we are still living in their heads, their emotions are constantly fighting that logic.
I’ve given up trying to work out why she has done, and does the things she does. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are probably arguing with themselves just as much as they do anyone else so it’s pointless trying to figure out someone that can’t even figure themselves out.
). She accuses us of being passive aggressive because we try to avoid JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining). We also have been fairly good at setting boundaries, which she doesn't like. Before she was 18, she would primarily live with her mother until that relationship would blow up. Then she would stay with us for a few months until things cooled down. Then she would go to live with her mother again. 
