Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been dating long distance for several months. She has BPD and attends weekly therapy. We have met in person. The relationship is really good. I'm 46 and it's the best communication and openness I've ever had in a relationship.

We've recently hit our first bump in the road. She told me she is afraid of hurting me or my kids (emotionally) down the road if the relationship progresses and she has a volitile episode. She said she is thinking of ending a perfectly good relationship over it.

I am committed and dedicated to her and learning I all can about BPD and supporting her continued healing. I am also dedicated to improving myself and how to be the best partner I can for her.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you overcome your partner's fear of hurting you in the future?

Hi,

I know the above is hard to write, but I get it, I really do.  I almost reached a similar conclusion with the pwBPD in my life.  She made multiple suicide attempts, she hated life, she hated herself and everyone in the world, she was miserable and making her family miserable, she was using illicit substances and messing up her thinking even more.  Nothing we did seemed to make any difference, and I realized, there's nothing I can do to make it any better.  That's the truth.  You can't force someone else to be happy, to try, to take responsibility for their own life, to change for the better.  After all, she says it's hopeless.  She gave up, but she expects you not to give up too?  It's just so messed up.  Resentment is a sure sign that you're trying harder on your pwBPD's life than she is.

I guess I realized, I can't make it better, but I CAN make it not worse.  I can keep the lines of communication open, for whenever she decides to reach out.  I can offer to help, but I respect her choice to refuse it.  She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants, as long as she's not trying to hurt me.  If she starts talking about suicide, we'll dial 911 or take her to the hospital, because we're not equipped to deal with suicidal threats or gestures.  Maybe she'll refuse the help, but maybe she won't, and that's her choice.  I just don't make it worse, and I'm protecting myself, knowing that I did what I could to get her help when she needed it.

All the best to you.

Hi PlanB,

I really feel for you.  I imagine you moved in with your mom, partly out of guilt, mostly out of a sense of responsibility for her, and partly because you thought there was no other way to help but to move in.  But now that you're living with her full-time, it's just unbearable for you.

My guess is that your mom loves to exert financial control over you, perhaps by making promises--for free housing, for an inheritance, whatever.  In my experience with BPD or NPD, any "deals" they propose have one thing in common:  the idea that YOU make sacrifices or investments up front, while their obligations are in the distant future.  Sure, in the moment they MIGHT have the intention of fulfilling their obligations, but the second that something doesn't go the way they want, bam, the deal dissolves, even if it's written down--she'll just rip the thing up.  PwBPD just aren't "reliable" in my experience; their moods are too fickle, and they twist fact patterns and try to convince you that the history (and deals) were something else entirely.  I've found that pwNPD are even trickier, because they demand that YOU follow strict rules, but they are exempt because they believe they're special.

Anyway, my general advice about making "bargains" with pwBPD (or NPD) is to avoid making any investments or sacrifices that you aren't prepared to lose; and you need to assume that the pwBPD won't follow through on their commitments.  In other words, keep your expectations low.  If they do follow through, well then that's great, icing on the cake.  Meanwhile, if you do make investments or sacrifices, you do them for YOU.  Maybe you want to help your mom because you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't.  Does that make sense?  In other words, your decisions need to put you first and foremost.

Now, about you.  You're only 61, you have many great years ahead of you.  It sounds to me that right now, you feel your mom has all the control over you, but I want to tell you, that's just because she's wearing you down, making you feel exhausted and hopeless.  It sounds to me like you need to take a break.  I'd say, you need to get out of the house a bit.  For me, that usually involves taking walks, in nature whenever possible.  But I have all sorts of little routines of self-care that made me feel good--I basically have a "menu" of self-care options from which I choose, depending on my mood or time of day.  My "menu" of simple acts of self-care generally includes exercise (walks, gym, stretching, trip to the beach), quiet time (bath, reading, sewing, cup of tea, crosswords), learning (reading, foreign language study), social connection (calling a friend or family member, setting up coffee/lunch dates) and escape (trip to the library, quick errand).   Because I'm not just a family servant, I'm not always required to put my needs last.  I mean, if I don't put my needs first, who else is going to?  Sadly, the answer is probably nobody.  I'm just trying to say that YOU deserve to put yourself first sometimes, and you have to make that happen, because you deserve it!  Sure, your mom might have a conniption fit, because she's used to you being her slave and punching bag, but you go ahead and let her have her fit, just put her in an adult time out, while you take care of you.

Hi NTWMever,

Once my udd gave all her birthday gifts from her father away to a local charity shop/goodwill shortly after her birthday because she had fallen out with him.She was ateenager at the time and although I thought the behaviour was a little extreme she has repeated it many times even getting rid of all the items brought for my grandchildren from my son and his wife. It comes from us being devalued. You have been given the items back because she is removing you from her life and she doesnt want a reminder of you. 

I have sent birthday cards to my grandchildren throughout the estrangement with my grandchildren and it was recently confirmed that my grandchildren had never recieved even 1 birthday card from me. I knew this had a good chance of happening so I made sure   to take pictures of each card before sending so I can show them later if they ever ask.

I dont think you should tell peope about your dd;s diagnosis out of respect and especially if she hasnt accepted the diagnosis herself and if you are hoping for a reconcillation in the future.  I also find it easier if anyone asks to simpify things about my udd's behaviours rather than talking about personality disorders.

Iam 6 years estranged from my udd and I have to be honest that I have never felt mentally better in my whole life. Iam done with chasing a have a relationship with someone who doesnt want to have one with me. I think I have suprised her. Because I now have grandchildren I think that she expected me to keep chasing her. The last time I went to her home in the hope to see my grandchildren she turned me away at the door and I knew then and there that it would be the last time I would go there. I have left the stress , anxiety and anticipation of trying to even have a civil relationship with my udd behind and now see it for what it was....It was A very Toxic and Abusive relationship.

You are not legally responsible for being your mother's caregiver. While you feel stuck, and financially it would be difficult- unless you signed something like a contract to care for her or your name is on a lease, you could, hypothetically, make another arrangement. It would not be wise to just leave without a plan it but it may be something to work towards.

It sounds to me like when you decided to move to be your mother's caregiver- you weren't fully aware of what this could be like, but now that you have moved, you have seen a bigger picture.

This isn't as much about her than about your own safety. With her PD's she's going to have these behaviors. However, if it is at the point of causing you harm- financially, your security, then you need to be protective of that. If she is going to set the situation up to where you are financially trapped and have nothing- this is not a safe situation to stay in.

While you may have moved according to a goodwill agreement with your mother- that you act as caregiver, and then she would leave the house to you, you see now that she is not reliable, that she changes her will, and may even use money as a form of control. Seeing that your mother can and would do this is distressing, because we don't imagine a mother doing this. One phrase that resonates with me is Maya Angelou's - when someone shows you who they are- believe them.

I don't know what resources are available, but being on Medicaid, you may also be eligible for other assistance- possibly housing, legal, social work. While choices may be limited- it is good to know your options. Staying positive for you may be that you are working towards an alternative situation for yourself. You will feel less anxious about what your mother would do if there was another plan in place.

This is similar to my BPD mother in her elder years after my father passed away. There were issues before that but my father was, to her, a stablizing force and he also was present with her- and with her behaviors.

Inititially, after he passed away, she didn't want much to do with me. On the advice of a friend, I still called her on a regular basis. Sometimes she would pick up, sometimes not. She still was active socially. She had enlisted her family members to "her side". I wasn't allowed to speak to her doctors either. I assumed she was fine (about as fine as she was with BPD). With my mother- her contact with me seemed to be mostly on her need basis- and she didn't need me.

Someone must have been concerned about her, as some time later, a friend of hers advised her to redo her legal papers and I received copies making me her power of attorney. However, I had no information about how to use this if needed. She kept her financial, and medical information secret from us. The only time we- her kids- would ever use it would be in an emergency, but we wouldn't even know what to do.

Some time after that, when visiting, we accidentally found out she had taken a home equity loan out on the house and had gotten herself in trouble financially. We took her to her bank to find out what was going on. The bank would not speak to us without her. Once we got there, she changed her mind. So we didn't have any information or way of knowing how she was. It was also about that time people began bringing up the idea of assisted living to her- as they were concerned about her being elderly and on her own. She refused.

Eventually- her family members became concerned about her and contacted me. BPD mother had convinced them that she was fine and I was the one with the emotional problems but they had seen enough of her behavior to be concerned that she was not OK. I told them everything. They were the ones who were able to get her to agree to assisted living. She didn't have a lot of choice, because she had mortgaged the house to the bank, and her funds were getting low. The house was sold and what was left of the sale after the bank took its share was to cover her stay there. Her BPD behaviors were still there but it was helpful to know that others were there to check on her.

In summary- this is how it went with us- and possibly with you too. While you care about your mother and feel a duty to check on her- she is in control here, and probably like my mother legally competent to make her own decisions, even if they are unwise ones. I even contacted an attorney to see if it was possible to intervene and as long as my mother remained legally competent- she could do what she wanted with her money, her medicines, her behavior, even if it was not in her own best interest to make these decisions.

While we kids would have prefered to be proactive, make sure her money was safe and available for her care, make sure she was in a safe living situation- this was not possible with her. The only time a change could be made would be in a crisis situation. This is stressful but BPD mother did not cooperate with planning, she wanted to be in control.

Yes, she did the things you are concerned about. Making suicide threats (call emergency for these).  take Lorazepam as she chooses (let her doctor deal with that). Spend her money recklessly. As much as you are concerned and worried- and that is understandable- it's likely your mother will continue with her chosen situation unless some situation requires a change.

As the daughter of a mother with BPD. it's likely you have been made to feel responsible for her in some ways. Culturally, and in religions if you were raised in one- we are expected to step into a care role with elderly parents- and this is normal in many situations where an adult child takes on certain aspects of this. Your concern is normal, but this is not a "normal" relationship. If you aren't in counseling, I recommend it for your own support as this situation is distressing and it helps to have someone objective to help. If there is an ACA, or Alanon, or CODA group near you, it can help you to cope with your mother's medication use. It's hard to not want to intervene but if you are unable to, then there's little you can do.

Hi CC43,
The suicide threat phases are hard work, she has had the ambulance and police out to her once or twice but they just leave her to it unless she actively agrees to go for inpatient treatment and that was even after telling them that she would overdose herself and the dog on Diazepams and lorazepams. Her doctors won't talk to me or acknowledge me and they actually tell her when I've tried to ask for their help in confidence!

It was my late dad's birthday on Sunday and next month is the tenth anniversary of his death so it's an iffy time of year for her mental state. My brother set her up with mobile phone recently because the tranquilisers are making her fall more now that she is mid 70s, she was enjoying me sending her things to it until she got a data warning and that was it! Over reaction and boxing the phone back up and refusing to use it!

I've sent her a nice note so I'll leave it at that with her, I said she should get my brother or aunt to let me know whenever she fancies a family get together - the big issue will be when she decides to not answer phones to my aunt because I cannot get my aunt not to panic! She will panic everytime and she lives about 16 miles from her so she ends up sending my brother to check on her and he then gets angry about the games being played as he will lose his temper at my mums mental abuse of him. To be honest if she wants to be dead, we'd rather she just got on with it! She doesn't want to be happy or do any with her life

She has weird sleep habits too! Goes to bed at 5pm so after a few hours of TV she's asleep and then of course she's up at silly o clock in the morning. The weather is also colder now so she's laying it on about how she won't turn the heating on! Super El Niño is her big thing this year too, she reads too many tabloid newspapers and scares herself silly about how bad winter might be! And the heat next summer! And wars! She is glued to news channels and panics about war!

I am trying so hard to stay positive. But when a trigger button is pushed it’s so hard to activate those positive skills. My mind goes to the worst, I become very sad, waiting for the other shoe to drop and start going down the rabbit holes.
My elderly mother who has Multiple personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder and Narcissistic personality disorder, told me she has an appointment tomorrow. Now I am her caregiver and usually go with her to medical appointments.  But I’m afraid this could be a legal appointment. She has blindsided me; pulled the carpet out from me so many times, that it’s hard not to expect the worst. Another impulsive destruction without regards of the consequences could be on its way - once again. I have no leverage or safety net. I just want peace in my life. I’m 61 and going through the same things with her since I was 4, 6, 8, . . . .18, 20, 25, . . . 35, 45, 60. I moved here from a different state to take care of her. Gave up everything. I no longer have the resources to get out of this. I put all my eggs in one basket and now I’m stuck.
Struggling. And afraid to see what tomorrow brings.

I was in a marriage for 18 years and had seven children.  It was very very difficult. I was the one that left after with my clinically diagnosed wife.  The healthier I got in our marriage the more difficult our marriage got.  It is like the hand did not fit the glove anymore. That is our mutual dysfunctions did not work together anymore as my behaviors became better.  I struggled a lot with dependency type behaviors, fear of conflict, fear of loss. 

  Had to do a lot of work on myself to understand how I got to accepting the behaviors that were very hurtful and damaging.

Now 10 years later, things are so much better. But those first three years after the divorce or very difficult.  I found that exercise, prayer, this board, and learning more about the behaviors such as in the book 'Foundations' by Dr Childress to be very helpful. 

You are not alone ..  keep sharing your story here. 

Sluggo

Hi there,

My pwBPD would do the same thing.  Typically, she'd not pick up the phone because she didn't want to talk to anyone.  In her case, it was because a question as simple as, "How are you?" was triggering, a reminder that she's NOT in a good mood.  Her general response to stress is avoidance, so avoiding talking to people, especially family, is a go-to strategy.  Frankly it's not a bad strategy in my opinion, better than having a complete telephonic meltdown.  In addition, it was as if she was purposely punishing her family with her absence / estrangement.  Yes, we were worried, and we had reason to worry, especially when her life was looking dysfunctional (no friends, no activities, messy living quarters, erratic sleep habits, etc.) and she was making suicidal threats and gestures.  But in my opinion, calling multiple times seemed like "harassment" to her.  Checking in probably felt like surveillance.  It's the classic "You don't love me  / Leave me alone" routine.  A couple of times there were welfare checks, and let me tell you, those did not go well.

I know this is hard, and it's hard not to worry, but I think, if your mom isn't answering the phone, it's because she doesn't want to answer the phone.  You respect that choice.  Just know that if she has an emergency, she can call you or dial 911.  If you are concerned about her physical frailty, you might consider getting her a LifeAlert wearable, just in case.  And if she's actively threatening suicide, my advice is to believe her and call for help.  You're not equipped to deal with suicidal talk, and if you don't call for help and something were to happen, you'd probably regret it.

By the way, after my dad died, I taught my mom how to call for help using Siri on her phone.  Whenever I see her, I say something like, "Mom, let's check that your phone mic is still on; will you ask Siri to call me, to test it?"  That's my way of getting her to practice calling for help, just in case she slips or something.  She knows she can call 911 too.  She worries about phone coverage (which is spotty in her area), but I reassure her that there's a separate satellite system just for emergency calls.  I'm just saying, we have this conversation repeatedly, and I make her practice, to keep it fresh in her mind that she can make a voice-activated call for help, as long as she has her phone nearby, which is usually the case.  We've even talked about taking the phone into the bathroom when she's bathing, for her own peace of mind (and mine).  She's not ready for LifeAlert yet.

Anyway, I think you're right, this is a game.  Since you can't win, I'd say, don't play it.  You just let her play it and respect her choice.  Make sense?