It's hard to discern why your daughter has fixated her attention onto her nephew.  The reality is that your grandchild is not her immediate family, her sister and BIL are the family unit.

Likely your BPD daughter is projecting her perceptions due to being sensitized to one or more in the immediate or extended family.  Likely a few wise steps would include ensuring her nephew does not have alone time with her so she can't claim, "He confided in me that..."

One lesson to take to heart... You cannot simply trust what your spouse says.  We don't know why he said the doc stopped his med due to the upcoming surgery, perhaps it was his own perception or just nerves?

Only you can decide whether to take the divorce path, but it is not right for you to suffer.  Will things calm down after the surgery and some recovery time?  Whatever you decide, it may be that you'll have to place yourself as #1 priority.

As the air crew always advises before every flight... In case of emergency, put on your own mask FIRST before attempting to help others.

Sometimes it's a matter of "out of sight, out of mind".  PwBPD often exhibit such perceptions, the term is object constancy.  My Custody Evaluator used that phrase when writing about my ex.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

Welcome from me too

Pook's reply sums everything up beautifully. You are fortunate in that your partner knows she has problems and is aware of them enough to be worried that it will affect her relationship with you. She's expressing that she does want to be with you by 'warning' you of how she may act.

In most BPD relationships, the sufferer won't even admit they have a problem, let alone show any concern for their partner's feelings. This makes any sort of treatment or coping almost impossible and in the end it simply comes down to how much the non-BPD partner is prepared to endure to keep things going.

I think you have the chance of a great relationship if you validate her feelings and show you're there for her. My very best wishes.

It sounds like you have a good plan in place for whether your sister shows up or not. I also think it's great that you have decided to not make yourself "smaller" and can enjoy your own accomplishments.

One way I adapted was to keep things private and share them only with people who I knew could also share my happiness and want the best for me- just like I would want for them.

It was a bit different with my BPD mother. She wanted to know accomplishments- for her own benefit. I understand that grandmother's love to talk about their kids and grandkids, and yet, for my mother, our own achievements felt like they were more for her to validate herself, and also she would be critical at times.

So I didn't keep all information from her but for something that was especially meaningful to me, I didn't want to share it with her. This also included my kids' information.

There's an emotional difference between saying "Grandchild's soccer team won this week" and "Grandchild is applying to X college, it's their first choice". The second one involves more emotions, more hopes, dreams, and also open to criticism, questioning.

With family dynamics- telling one family member means they will tell others, so keep the information you value close to you, share the less emotionally invested with family. This isn't making yourself smaller- it's protecting what has meaning to you.

Enjoy that wedding!

One of the most effective therapeutic approaches is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which teaches how to practice mindfulness, use a wise mind and more.  Be aware that her therapist may not have been specific, even to the patient, on naming which therapy is being used since pwBPD can get triggered with details and specifics.

Also, our collective wisdom has been accumulated over time and has many tools, skills and time-tested strategies over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

Thank you so much to those who replied--I have to say that the wisdom you all offered has helped me immensely and has given me a lot to think about. Right now I'm going low contact with her, and only communicating through the occasional text message. I prefer text because our communications are documented and in writing, so it minimizes any risk of her flying into a fantasy of something she believes I said that I didn't say. I have moved forward with sending her a save the date, and sent her a text message reiterating that I support whatever makes her comfortable and that I love her and hope she's okay.

For the wedding--I have hired a wedding coordinator and given her the download on the situation, and she has agreed to support in the event of a scene or altercation. I have a few trusted friends that know the situation that have also agreed to step in if needed. But ultimately, I believe the odds are pretty high that she will not attend. I'm working on coming to a place of acceptance about that possibility, and so far I'm doing okay with it.

As painful as it is, I'm really trying to learn to release control. I'm realizing I've spent a lot of my life making myself smaller in order to accommodate her insatiable need for attention and validation. As much as I want her to be happier with herself, her emotions are ultimately not my responsibility. I'm getting there. It'll take time, but I'm getting there.

  :hi:Well remember me??  
Well I’ve known about my husbands bpd for as long as we’ve been married .
Things were bad and over the years got better.
Now we are going on 29 years of marriage
And he is going in for surgery Nov sencond
But he went off his happy pill he took mainly for back pain
But it was also for anxiety . Never believed he had a problem.
He helped me rsise the kids snd I just worked those tools and skills
Here we are I’m 65 he’ll be 62
And he went manic. It has been a hell of a week to the point I tempory live with my sister. And divorce looks possible
I finally called his dr that took him off letting them know about his manic state. Turns out he never took him off. Ok???
He called me 45 times my voice mail box is full .
The dr plans to call today due to needing a phyc release before surgery. Talk about anger.
he has been on face book leaving a video on face book bashing people due to not having a problem . Or just about the world . They say when u get older bpd can get worse . So now im in a delima a divorce at 65? _____ I’m to old for this .

With my BPD mother there were threats too. That your family members get all riled up- please know that this is on them- and let this be between them and your mother. They are on their own path of learning about her and how to relate to her.

It feels as if you are "command central" in managing all these family dynamics. Please know this is not a role you need to hold on to. What I learned with my BPD mother is that, as long as she was legally competent- she was going to do what she wanted to do.

I understand the resentment and anger over the medicines. I felt that way too- decades of BPD mother using medicines. This is a true addiction. However, there is a lot more to addictions than just the substance itself. Underneath an addiction are the emotions that drive it, and with BPD there are emotions and no medicine to address them specifically but the ones your mother is drawn to are the ones that she feels works for her.

On the other side of addiction are family members who are genuinely concerned and are trying to help but this is a part of the dynamics too. I learned a lot about this in 12 step groups- ACA- Al Anon- are there to help family members and they may be of help to you if you wish to check them out.

At one point BPD mother's doctor sent her to rehab to get her off them. I thought this would be the answer we were all hoping for, that she would be better off them. What I saw was that, without them she was anxious and miserable. It's been said that a person with BPD is like someone walking around with no skin, and emotionally, she had no emotional skin. At that point my feelings about the medicines changed from being angry to realizing it was inhumane to expect her to manage without them.

If yours and my mother were in their 20's, 30's even 40's and 50's- the goal would be to have them off medicine and learn more coping skills. Realistically- by their elder years, they have relied on these medicines, and the coping skills for decades. The medicines won't change their BPD or their emotions but even if they make them a little more bearable, then it becomes a quality of life decision.

My BPD mother was not happy when she was on them but she was even more unhappy off them. It was easier to manage when she was in assisted living. Elderly people are more sensitive to Lorazepam and she was too- but was able to handle a very small dose as well as some other medicines for anxiety. With the nursing staff keeping the medicines it was easier to find what worked best for her but until then, when she was at home using them herself, it wasn't possible.

I had no access to her medical information until she was in assisted living and the nurses could speak to me. I had no way to know what she was doing. That is where you are at now. Even when I was able to speak to the nurses, BPD mother was still in charge and also she decided what they could say to me. It's understandable that you don't want her to fall but in her own home, she is still in charge.

My best advice to a threat is to call emergency. Let the professionals assess her. If they determine she can be sent home, then they have assessed her. If your aunt or brother gets concerned-they can call emergency. Your mother's doctors are managing her medicine the best they know to as well. It's a difficult situation and I know you care. I cared too, but there are limits to what is possible to intervene with. All you can do is the best attempt and it feels helpless, but your mother is in charge of her own self.

Your girlfriend sounds like she knows herself well and that the reactions that come with BPD can cause a lot of pain to those close to her. So her fear is likely not irrational. She probably is going to have volatile episodes and say or do hurtful things. Have you asked her what a volatile episode usually looks like and how best you can navigate it when it does happen? The nature of BPD is a push / pull dynamic. It's the fearful avoidant attachment pattern - I want you close but when you get close I need to push you away.

She does seem to know herself pretty well. She did share some of her more extreme episodes from years passed before she was in therapy. She also sent me a bunch of Instagram videos about how bad BPD can be. She said to help educate me but she may also be trying to push me to leaving with these extreme examples. I'm not entirely sure since we're still in a little bit of limbo. She has agreed to talk about her fears from a couple days ago when she is ready.

In the meantime I've been working on regulating myself since I was a bit triggered the first day or so with my own fear of abdonment and past heartbreak. But that's a big reason I am here and educating myself in the meantime. Both to assist in my own well being and learn how to speak and act better and more supportive in the relationship. I don't think it's worth throwing away a really good relationship over this. She's worth the effort and being loved the right way.