I just need to vent, to think things out loud away from family members. It's long, don't feel you need to read or respond. I have to vent to the "void".

The end of this month will be 1 year since my family lost my nephew to suicide, he was 17. Apart from the grief, it has thrown my family (which was not doing well to begin with) into even more extreme turmoil.

My sister(I believe is undiagnosed BPD )
She lost a child. My sister had to be there when he died- twice. He was found, revived, spent a week in ICU then taken off life support. I cannot imagine her pain! I love her, I truly do. We were close. But I do not want a relationship with her at this time. I live in another state.
I went low contact after my nephew died- gradually kind of. I chose the absolute worst time to what feels like abandon my sister. Logically I know it is best for me. I was not doing well at all, her messages (emotional venting/a couple angry attacks)made me nauseous and spiral for days on end. I was messing up at work, stressing out my spouse, dealing with grief. My guilt is intense but not enough to make me reach out. I feel frozen and afraid of her possible reactions.

But she (and others, not 100% blaming her at all) created such a chaotic, emotionally abusive & neglectful household that I believe it played a huge role in the mental health of my nephew. I learned a lot from his siblings after he passed about what went on in the house. We all failed him. We failed all the kids. I will point out they are all safe and not living there any longer, most are in therapy and doing well processing their grief. I am very proud of them. But- I wish I saw it before, I wish I was bolder. I am super avoidant when it comes to confrontation, anything to avoid a fight. Feels so stupid now.

My sister always gave me what I see now as a self-serving narrative that she believed to be true. I always believed her, always validated her feelings, always said I was always there when she needed me. She texted me recently that she doesn't do any of this, it is all things people do to her. My whole family did what they could to help (I am sure you all can imagine all the chaos and us trying to help emotionally, financially, logistically, etc. to no avail) but it is never enough. We are simply not equipped.

So I have gone low contact, I can count on 2 hands how many times we have communicated via text in the last 12 months. She sees it as "tough love" attempt or something, and of course cruel. Understandably, I would be so confused if my sister suddenly stopped talking to me, stopped asking about me. A few times she texted to lash out and say hurtful things. Got one today- did not open it, archived it.
Maybe 2 times we spoke on the phone, each time being about 3-4 hours long.
Call #1 I felt I needed to support her through the grief, helped her think of funeral flowers, I paid for them (happily). That made me fall apart for a week at least.
Call #2, was manipulated for not reaching out for 2 weeks after funeral, felt forced to call, was hysterically crying and only told "I'm sorry you're not doing well"- then spent hours being talked at, made to feel awful by her and spouse, was interrogated on what everyone was saying, if cops were "out for them". It was a whole thing- nothing was actually happening, just standard CPS inquiry. Traumatic to say the least.  Worst year of my life- I've had some doozies. Life is complicated, that is ok. I am optimistic and I persist.

I saw her 3 times- at his funeral (a blur), at his memorial (was awkward but we kept it calm), and last month at our father's birthday (more awkward, she got into a small argument with my other sibling and left after I spoke to her). I hugged her and said I was sorry for not reaching out, for isolating but I felt I needed to isolate. She glazed over it and starting talking about her issues with my other sibling, I guess I caught her at a bad time. I just stood there, scared to upset her further. Scared to make a scene at my Dad's party. She made a relatively small scene and left. Upsetting my Dad. He said never again to family dinners, he was so sad inside.

Sister/ex-spouse/kids were about to lose their home right before he passed. No one had a job, no one was looking. Now my sister is separated from her husband (for the best), with a new boyfriend, was living in an RV. At the same time my mother (who had a heart attack a few months ago from the stress/grief) was kicked out of her brother's home and she found a small apartment and let my sister and her boyfriend move in. I don't know him, he seems kind.

Now my mother has been calling me crying how she is depressed, sometimes suicidal and feels abused by my sister. You can imagine the chaos I am sure. My sister and her bf say they plan on moving out but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon. I am afraid my mom will have another heart attack and die. She has limited income, no friends, no significant other (she has her own issues but she is not cruel or anything- just flighty and makes jump decisions that end not well for her). She can be emotionally manipulative when she's feeling a way but not on purpose- seems unintentional. I think bipolar 2 but not diagnosed. I try to lift her spirits, she is easy to talk to for me, I just sent her things for her bedroom for her birthday since she has nothing (her brother kept everything, except some clothes). I gave a few thousand loan to help her ( and I guess my sister too now). My mom always pays me back, I have no issue there.

-My other sibling (bipolar 1 diagnosed) is also very mentally unwell and in a manic phase, currently avoiding the whole family really. She is never cruel to me, she admits her less then favorable choices and mental illness issues.

-My dad is spent, totally and utterly spent. He gives money to both of them constantly, he has been sick for years, almost died 2 years ago, just had hip replacement, skin cancer, etc. He puts on a brave face- but I see his brokenness. Both my parents- broken, exhausted.

- The kids, doing so well considering. So incredibly proud of them. But so sad for them. I try to be positive, set a good example and reach out so often to check in and say I am thinking of them.

So, I am afraid for my mom, afraid of my sister, afraid for my other sibling, sad for my parents, sad for the children and exhausted. Often on an emotional cliff and always worse after family contact. Most days I am ok, my life is pretty good. I work hard, have a great spouse, have a great work family, loving friends, everything I need. Today is a bad day. I apologize for the chaotic typing.

Why can't I fall apart, why can't I cause chaos, why can't I be the one who needs support?!
Of course, I am proud of how stable I am, I want to remain stable. But jeez, can't I mess up sometimes too? The expectations are too much, even if they are not much, I do not have the energy anymore. I have a decent relationship with everyone else. They seem to understand, they are all exhausted too.

I am plagued with guilt and questions. "Should I try to reach out, should I apologize and validate her, (I know my act is seen by her as cruel- and honestly it is to some degree- absolutely!), should I "tell her how I feel"- I always stay silent, don't respond. Should I reach out on his death anniversary, will that be good or bad, cruel or kind? Should I reach out on birthdays, holidays? Should I cut all ties (impossible with family stuff though)? Should I try to tell her she has BPD and needs treatment, needs to stop drinking, etc"

I miss the family I had. I miss the people they were. I barely know them now. I dread “going home to visit”(love seeing the kids though). I want the best for everyone, I want them to enjoy their lives, to prosper, to feel safe and loved.

I love them so much.

I am praying for peace and comfort for everyone. 

I feel so weak for breaking NC in the first place. I feel so insane for letting myself be so affected. I should have just left.
Am i just that messed up after being in this relationship that I have zero self esteem? This is a man who is incredibly unwell and has said and done unforgivable things to me yet I let him be intimate with me again. I know my own issues around trauma, abuse and assault have always resulted in hypersexuality and a deep need for validation and connection but I honestly cannot believe my actions.

I really identify with the frustration of the PWBPD rehashing the past and negative feelings. It's like they are trying to do this so they don't have to think about the present, or deal with the future. I think you are right about that!  My PWBPD has so many tasks to do, paperwork, etc, and it seems like arguing is a way to just pretend everything isn't happening.

It's so frustrating because it's like they enjoy being miserable.....

All these responses are helpful. They have angry outbursts, and then sometimes avoidance and shutting down. (My mom was more of a quiet PWBPD -- not a lot of angry outbursts but there was always a level of guilt or not living up to what she wanted...) My boyfriend/PWBPD won't let go of the past, and everything will be fine and all of a sudden he'll bring up something that triggered him 5 years ago, and he's mad at me all over again. You cannot prevent this, and it's random. I've come to just accept that no interaction or walk is predictable. It might be pleasant and fun, or it might just go up in flames. I used to be upset, but now, it's just a fact of being close to someone with BPD.

We broke up about 2 months ago. Things have been volatile. We have been no contact off and on but there will be nights where he calls a hundred times and he begs for me to help him and it breaks my heart. Sometimes, I can remain strong. Sometimes, I cannot. We had broken no contact a couple days ago and had been talking a bit. Sometimes very hurtful and obviously splitting. Sometimes very kind, gentle and understanding. Last night, he wasn't responding and he hadn't read my texts either. I started getting worried. He had been very suicidal, I had an extra bad feeling in my gut and i feared the worst so I went to check on him. He had another ex over. He had just been kissing her. I was not surprised but my emotions got the best of me and I lost it. He had told me that I was the love of his life and that he would never want to be with anyone else. Of course, I didn't believe that part but I didn't think it would be so soon and with someone he claimed to have never really loved.
Fighting ensued. She slinked off into the night and he and I went round after round. I am ashamed. My cptsd kicked in and my fight or flight exploded. About 3 hours in, we kissed. And kept kissing. I couldn't stop, I wanted more. But then, instantly, fighting again. He slammed his head into the wall, it terrified me. I finally got him to calm down a bit and it was so late that he told me I could stay. I was so tired so I did. We started fighting again. I had a horrible panic attack but this time, he helped me through it. He held me and cupped my face and breathed with me. We went to lay down and he kissed me again. And before we knew it, we were being intimate. It was amazing. Fireworks. After, he asked me if that meant I was going to be with him. I told him I still wasn't ready to live together but that if he could be patient with me, take it slow, get help, rebuild the trust that had been broken, repair the damage that had been done, I would consider it. I had no intention of a hook up happening. It was unexpected and we both initiated it but he said he felt used. I was sad too but i tried to comfort him. He begged me again in the morning and I told him I couldn't be with him as things stand. I know I shouldn't have done it. I know that it only complicated things. He wants to keep trying but is convinced the only way we can be together is if i live with him. I do want to be with him. I do love him.  I do miss him dearly. But it's his lack of compassion and respect for me and the lack of personal control and willingness to do something real about it that makes me more than wary. I could not jump into living with him right now after everything we've gone through. I am feeling so mixed up about it all. I know it's a crazy situation. So dramatic. Feels like something out of a cw show. I know things would never be anywhere near stable without him in therapy. It's also hard because a different ex who is a very close friend of his and thinks I'm crazy helped him get medicine and he listened to her. He and I had talked about that many times and he never did. It feels like a slap in the face. I feel crazy for letting myself get wrapped up in it. I feel crazy for wanting to run back into his arms. I don't know what to do.

If you're a loser, then so are a whole lot of us.  There is something about this condition that makes family and romantic partners put up with a whole lot of crap and still feel like we could have done better.  I'm not sure what it is.  I think in part it's that the stuff that happens is so unreal that we ourselves can't quite process it.  And I also think it's that it's not like this all the time.  Plus we know that they are sad and we feel for them.

I do not. I was never one to record our fights. That's what she did, only my reactions of course. I would even tell her, 'why do I want to capture my partner at their worst?'. I deleted every single thing associated with her. I can see how it would help though. I know that I'm lucky, but it's been long enough to where I'm like 'was it that bad? maybe I was an aszhole. Did I really mess this up?'.....and I know that is a giant lie, but I'm so far removed from the craziness it doesn't seem 'that bad' anymore. Then to see a random picture of her looking happy and smiling, hair curled, nice outfit, her blue eyes. It crushed me for a bit yesterday. Truly don't know why she has that effect on me. I feel like such a loser hahaha

Do you have any bad memories of her?  Recordings of fights?  Texts or emails of her behavior?  Keep those around.  Whenever you feel nostalgic, and feel yourself slipping, look at the bad things and remind yourself how lucky you are to be free and away from that nonsense. 

Similar here. Been split now for approaching three years. I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half and in comparison it’s great, no stress or drama. My weekly headaches I’d get living with my wife have gone. I socialise more, have picked up new hobbies and can do what I like, when I want.

I just tend to struggle with how my ex is still with the idiot she is with. How she is messing her life up and can’t see it. It’s not because I want her back, I was deleting stuff on my phone the other week and came across a video I had covertly recorded of her and how she used to speak to me and it disgusted me, and made me wonder how I ever put up with it.

The problems I have at the moment are two fold. Like Pook, our lives are similar on many levels, there are the dogs. My ex would always be looking for a dog because one was never enough to fill that void. So we got our third dog just a few months before she monkey branched. To start with when she moved into a house on her own we shared the dogs, so half the time they would stay with her which was great for my own autonomy. As she was struggling to survive on her own she moved in with her new supply. She would still come round and walk the dogs, about three times a week. Late last year, they went out and got another two dogs. He already has two. She has not been round to see the dogs or walk them for 6 months. That annoys me. They meant everything to her but now, out of sight out of mind.

The second reason is her health. She is now a grandmother to our 3 month old grandson. But that hasn’t stopped the pair of them and their drinking and I’m quite certain their drug abuse. Even on the night our grandson was being born she was off her face on what ever substances they were on, asked our youngest son to go pick them up from a pub, and then asked our son to go and get class A drugs for a friend, before creating a scene in the street at 2am calling my son a drunk driver and accusing him of being on drugs while she was off her face causing him to ring me at 2:30am in distress at his mothers behaviour, and telling me he wanted to drive off a cliff.

she has got skin cancer that she had an op on her nose about a year ago. That op failed and it has apparently spread and she is riddled with skin cancer on her head neck and shoulders, but appears to be doing nothing about it and continues to go off on holidays abroad to hot countries to, in my sons words, top up her cancer.

Why does this concern me, well, I believe that first operation on her nose the surgeon will have noticed the damage inside it due to years of cocaine abuse. They will then refuse to operate again unless she is clean, likely drug testing her to see if she is. Why has nothing happened in a year, is she failing drug tests or just avoiding the situation altogether, I don’t know.

I just can’t get out of my head how nothing makes sense. I struggle to understand how her relationship has lasted nearly three years when its foundation was built on cocaine and alcohol abuse. She was sleeping with me behind his back for a year, and he knows it. It’s a relationship built on her betraying me, followed by a year of her betraying him. She’s told our kids basically that she is with him for his money, which I knew anyway as when his marriage was breaking up he was coming round my house and discussing with us, my wife, how he can keep his money away from his ex. He was a partner in a building firm which has been dissolved and he was taking half what the business was worth, being drip fed it every month, and she was telling the kids he had plenty of money. However, he wasn’t going to work for nearly three years as that money was coming in, but has recently started going to work so that is obviously drying up. The cheap Range Rover he bought her broke down to the point of being a write off, as I told her would happen a year ago when he bought it for her, so she has been driving around in my sons old car for months, which I paid half for. His ex wants half the house, but he has their 16 year old son living with him so won’t have to give her half the house until he is 18 but when the time comes it’s going to seriously affect his finances.

Then there is the fact she has been on the phone a couple of times to our son crying about my new girlfriend. Assaulted me when I went on a date 3 months after we split up. Would text me first thing every morning for the first year we split up. Bumped into my girlfriend in a supermarket and knew it was her even though has never met her, but she keeps cropping up on my girlfriends Facebook page and I’m not on Facebook so she has clearly been stalking my girlfriend. None of that makes sense, tells me she is actually over me or with the man she is with because she is in love with him. It just smacks of her being desperate when she was in a situation of financial debt and saw what she thought was an easy way out of it. It also synchronised with the timing of me pleading with her to stop buying coke, and giving her the choice of getting clean or running off with the guy that was selling it to her. So yes, I do still think about her and it makes me sad, because to me it seems she has just impulsively jumped into a situation that is destroying her life and will likely kill her, which will affect our children and grandchild.

Thank you ForeverDad, that's what I'm hoping for and want to support, that he voluntarily removes himself from the situation as soon as possible and finds his own way. I'm trying to support his independence and confidence by encouraging him as much as I can, but I often feel like it's not enough, and like I have to do it behind his mom's back. He thankfully has a counsellor, so that's very helpful.