Pete, uBPDx often said he was 'funny about death' and that he didn't react to it the same way as other people. He mentioned that when his grandmother was dying, he chose not to go and see her even though she had supported him a lot, they had been close, and she would have wanted him to come. I didn't know what to make of that - it seemed completely at odds with the caring person I (thought I) knew.

This manifested sometimes in our own relationship. A mentor of my mentor died, and my mentor was grieving, I mentioned this to him and he laughed in a kind of nasty way and said 'That's a few steps removed from me.'

When my beloved childhood pet passed away, he was very supportive of me. He also cried and said (from memory) that it was the first time he had cried for a death (or something else to indicate that this was an exceptional occasion). Later, after the cheating/monkeybranching/breakup, he was partly responsible for my beloved pet's ashes being lost, and expressed no emotion.

That's just my anecdotes. It seems really disturbing in hindsight.

Reflecting on this has caused me to think about my own relationship with death. I cried a lot after I learned about the loss of pet's ashes, and am even tearing up now thinking about my little friend - who was truly one of the most important relationships I've had, or will have, in my life. But I know I loved him very much and that though I made mistakes at times, he had a very good and very long life, that I was able to give that to him, that this love will remain with me for all my life.

I suppose that for a disordered person, who can't show object constancy/ emotional constancy even for people who are still living, comprehending death (the largest absence) and behaving with decency around it are even more impossible.

I guess there is a last bit of grieving I need to do, which is also part of the severing process.

When we got together, uBPDx confessed that he had cheated on his previous long term partner by having an affair with their mutual friend and showed seemingly intense remorse about this (which did not stop him from destroying our own relationship in the same way).

Over time, apart from suggesting that his former partner who he cheated on was 'horrible', he also led me to believe that she had stolen money from him by being dishonest about what was or wasn't returned from their bond at the end of their shared lease.

Having seen his behavior around money at the end of our own relationship, which included asking/demanding for me to leave then denying that he did that, blaming me for the extra rent he had to pay after I left, blaming me for not giving the landlord notice resulting in our shared bond not being fully returned (when I couldn't possibly have given that notice, considering it was him who decided the timing of ending the rental agreement, after he kicked me out...!).... I don't know if I still believe that his former partner stole money from him. It's possible it happened, also possible it didn't. There's simply no way to know.

There were quite a few victim narratives from his past. Some of them were true and directly observed by me. But others... given the untrue victim narratives he has spun about our own relationship, I don't think they were all real, no.

I have some unresolved feelings about this.

I feel a certain amount of guilt for believing the negative things about his former partner. I never knew her, and our relationships did not overlap, so I haven't done anything to hurt her. I just feel bad for believing bad things about her which were likely not accurate, or fully accurate.

One of the things he described going wrong in their relationship was that her mother died and she became depressed/ didn't seem like she 'wanted' him any more. Given what I have observed, it seems likely that she was literally just grieving and then on top of that, had to cope with serious betrayal from a partner and a mutual friend (as I have since had to cope with). I feel really sad that she had to go through that, and that I didn't (even from afar) afford her the compassion she probably deserved.

I suppose seeing the extent that these cycles have repeated is a double edged sword. It makes me realise that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done. But also, that I'm not 'special', and that the relationship revealed nothing special about me other than that I, like many other people, can take a lot of punishment before identifying what is going on.

This was hard to read because ive been right there. Ive said shut the f up to my BPD partner and god i felt like it hurt me more than it hurt them but he was being soo nasty and devaluing every part of me he swore he loved . It hurts when they hate you or feels like they do .  At some point you just get fed up.

When ive stood up for myself is usually when I "win". The sad part is I dont want to win  and i dont think any one here does.

After reading some books and talking g to people the only thing you can do is keep chasing the dreams you want . Keep doing you and focus on yourself. Know that your feelings and hurt is always valid just like theirs .. he says his heart breaks when he cant stop hurting me . Im not sure I beleive him but I do believe me . I know what I know and I know he hurts soo bad that it feels like someone is peeling his skin off. I also know feelings and dreams and hopes are always valid.  You keep focusing on who you are and what you need and hopefully with some more help and assistance your partner can see the worth in them too because on the other end she may turn out to be your biggest  cheerleader.

Key is though she needs time and healing and help and you need the same for yourself.  Idk if that helps just my 2 cents.

If she is distracted by seeking a new "rescuer", this may be a strategic time (or window of opportunity) to determine whether you can undo some of the legal damage she has done to you... while her focus is elsewhere.

Ponder that...

I agree 1000%.  On this site, I've posted numerous times how I think a victim attitude is the worst part of BPD.  But in a close second comes unrealistic expectations in my opinion.  The pwBPD in my life holds other people to impossible standards, which sets herself up for constant disappointment.  It's strange that she doesn't seem to hold herself to the same standards, but this is when she calls on her victim narrative to serve as an excuse.  Generally speaking, I think she holds somewhat "delusional" beliefs about what her life should look like.  That includes being taken care of by other people.  She THINKS she's looking for a spouse, but I think what she's really looking is a fantasy Prince Charming, to sweep her off her feet, adore her, treat her like a beautiful princess and lavish her with gifts and spending money.  But that's fantasy, not reality.  Spouses generally have to work to earn a living, and do all sorts of things they don't want to do--clean toilets, get dinner, fix appliances, save money for a rainy day--which "detract" from the fantasy.  And let's face it, people can have bad days, get sick, feel exhausted after a long day's work.  Maybe they are snippy sometimes.  Maybe they need some TLC, or at least be cut a little slack, such as when they are ill, have been injured or have suffered a death in the family.  Normal spouses understand that, but I don't think pwBPD do.  They think they have empathy, but in reality, I think they don't take anyone else's feelings into account, not even their own children's.  They have all sorts of impossible expectations of others, but very low standards for themselves.

And so I think it's logical that your ex will try to find someone else right away.  She's hidebound by her delusional thinking and low functioning, and my guess is she'll tell every potential suitor how horrible you were, just to get sympathy and attention.  She might finds someone to "rescue" her.  But really she needs somebody to take care of her (at least that's my guess).  Maybe her family will, maybe a boyfriend will.  Was she low functioning in your marriage?  Did she not pull her weight in the household or with parenting duties?  Did she overspend?  Those are classic BPD issues.  I'd say, try not to take what she does so personally.  I know it's hard, but if you spend some time reading here, I think you'll see there are classic BPD patterns that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with delusional thinking and BPD acting out.

You control you.  You can't control your ex.  You focus on making a life for yourself and your kids.  You and your kids deserve that.

All the best to you.  Hang in there, you've got this.

Thank you for your response.

After studying a lot about BPD and living with her for ten years, I feel like I can clearly see what is going to happen. She is already looking for someone to date. I suppose she is trying to find a new “favorite person” to fill the emptiness inside her. And then the cycle will repeat again.

When I see that, less than a month after everything happened, the mother of my two daughters is already looking for someone to date online, it breaks my heart and makes me wonder what I was doing for the past ten years.

As time passes, everything will probably unfold exactly as I expect. But the waiting feels painfully long. It feels like watching a movie when you already know the ending. In two months, three months, maybe by September, everything will likely happen the way I imagined.

It is extremely painful, but it is also strange how closely everything seems to follow the same pattern as so many BPD stories I have read. Sometimes she feels almost like a demon to me.

I know I need to take this pain as a lesson and start a new life, but this early stage is unbearably painful.

Great feedback from Pook and Notwendy.

I am reading a book that was recommended by somebody on this site, titled "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist."  I am only 1/4 of the way in, but so far I'm finding it terrific. 

In this situation, if you are deciding to cut back on advising her- it's not a spoken boundary. It's an internal decision to change your own behavior. Telling her not to ask you as often is like telling the snake to stop biting, or to humanize this- it's telling her to not feel her feelings- which she's going to do anyway as it's not something she controls.

What she's found is that doing this, often when dysregulated, is a behavior that works for her in some way and your behavior of advising is working to reinforce this dynamic. You are choosing to change your part.

This boundary is as you choose it. It doesn't have to be all or none. It can be but it also can be a choice to reduce it- not completely stop, or to not advise on topics like mental health questions. I think we feel we need to know the answer but sometimes an "I don't know" is an honest response- sometimes we don't know. One boundary that can be firm for you is to not broach the subject that this is your SO's flawed thinking and that they need mental health as you know the outcome of this.

Paying attention to your own feelings can be a clue to when this is a genuine request for something or due to a need for emotional caretaking. Usually we don't feel irked when someone is genuinely asking because they want the answer. It feels different when we are being recruited to emotionally caretake. The request can be similar, and it involves our natural tendency to be nice so it's hard to discern but there was a subtle sense of feeling unease when it was about emotional caretaking.

Sometimes I would just decide to do it, if I was willing and and able to tolerate whatever reaction resulted. Sometimes I didn't know what was going on until there was a reaction. Sometimes advice would feel invalidating to BPD mother and she'd get angry.

This is the kind of boundary that is likely to result in a reaction because, to decrease emotional caretaking behavior disrupts the dynamic but by doing so, it might reset again as they adjust to it if they are able to. It's a risk but it's also a path to changing a dynamic in a more positive way. We can't change another person but we can change our own behavior and then there's a possibility they may or may not adjust to that but to continue in the same way perpetuates it.

This is probably a most honest statement. She says she didn't sign up for anything difficult, she doesn't want to do it. I like the quote from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

But you know that this isn't real life- there are good and easy things, and there are those that take effort, and that her wish, to not do anything that takes work, isn't realistic. It may work when someone else is carrying that for her- but even so, the other person is human too and may have their own limits to how much they do that.

Which is why I think she also won't want to do the work of parenting over time. Young children are more easily controlled and compliant. Older kids can be challenging, even well behaved ones assert their autonomy. Children also are a source of great happiness too- but they require time and caretaking- something that doesn't seem to suit your ex. You've seen this already.

My BPD mother was similar to your ex in that she couldn't manage the work of day to day tasks, which included parenting. Other people stepped in and did this. While it seemed odd to me at the time that she wasn't doing the things I saw other mothers do, I am now grateful for that. If your ex is near her family, it's possible they are stepping in to help- and that could be a good thing. Not everyone in a family has BPD and it's possible they are more competent.

I saw something similar to what happened when you hurt yourself with my father, who had been her enabler/caretaker. PwBPD perceive themselves as victims, and so other people in their world are either rescuers (helpers to them) and if they are not- they are persecutors (hurting them) (look up Karpman triangle).

When my father got ill in his elder years, he wasn't able to keep up the level of caretaking/enabling. He also needed care at the time. This was a "reversal" of the usual dynamics between them. While one would expect understanding and empathy for a spouse in this situation, the opposite happened.

This doesn't exuse it- but it hopefully will help you to see this as not as personal to you. Underneath this refusal to help, this cold, cruel, veneer, is a very disturbed person, someone overcome with their own emotional distress.

You've found this out now, and now you can rebuild your life and I encourage you to do so. You are not responsible for your ex's feelings and you didn't cause her BPD. If she's already seeking someone to date- it's due to her own emotional need for someone to be an emotional caretaker to her, not about you. That person may be idealized at first- but will also experience the same person you did.

Don't try to figure her out- it's not possible to know all that someone else is thinking or feeling. I think refocususing on rebuilding your life is a good thing- for you and also for your children. I agree with FD to consult an attorney about your parenting rights. You may be tight on funds at the moment but it's worth the cost of the consultation to know what to do. If there are parenting classes, anger management classes that are required for unification- it is in your favor to do them as having completed them will stand as evidence.

I know you are scared for your children but I think consulting an attorney will give you a solid path to follow to regain your rights. I think FD makes a good point that sooner is better than later.

Thank you for your responses.

I am now focusing on fixing, one by one, the life that my ex left in ruins.

Even when I injured my back and was limping with my leg, she saw going to the hospital with me and supporting me through my pain as a burden. She told me, “I didn’t sign up for this.” When I asked about why the business was being run so poorly, she said it was because she did not want to do hard work.

I still cannot understand how someone could be so selfish and self-centred. At times, I even wondered whether she had any compassion or consideration for other people at all. But I have decided to stop searching for that answer. Deep in my heart, I already know the answer. I have now given up expecting anything from her, or hoping that she will ever understand me.

Because we have children together, I have no choice but to remain connected to her in some way, and that feels miserable. When I think about my children growing up under her care, my heart breaks.

Because of one final mistake, I lost my children, and now I am labelled as a family violence offender. No one listens to my side of the story. Even my psychologist treats me like a criminal.

But I will carry this weight and survive. I will find a new career. I will get through bankruptcy. I will heal my leg. I will never again allow myself to be placed in this kind of danger. For the happiness of my children, I will keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Watching the YouTube videos from @bpdbreakupcodependencyrecovery has helped me understand things more deeply. I am going to break free from this and begin a new life.