Their/her see through him, not her. He’s aggressive and nasty and she’s sweet and waify on the face of things, the friends assume a lot of things from there about each of them but usually cast her in a positive light because she’s much more careful than her bf is about behavior.

Yep, he’s bizarre and probably always has been so now he’s just grown, old, and outlandish. Weirdos come in all ages, apparently?

Camp's situation is a bit different.  His two children are grown but one has special needs and both parents have his guardianship.  I'm assuming the children are in the house, so if he voluntarily departs then without a further court order in place it would be problematic to return when his son needs his care and attention.  Risks would remain whatever he does.

I would suggest he record whenever his spouse is around.  I separated a couple decades ago when we didn't have smart phones that could record.  I bought several digital voice recorders over the years.  Some were capable of pausing recording if there was silence, so I didn't have to be always turning on & off.

Yes, I was recording her rages on the first time I called the police.  By the time they arrived, she had calmed down a bit but her face was still red and angry.  Still, policy was - as my divorce lawyer told me once I hired one - that in a domestic dispute the man is carted off.  So one officer asked me to hand off my quietly sobbing preschooler (he was in my arms) to his mother and "step away".  My son squawked and clung tighter to me.  After a long pause he said "work it out" and they left.  I look back and say, "My preschooler saved me that day.

I had it recorded but the speaker didn't work.  Once I downloaded it, another officer came and listened, made a report and she was charged with Threat of DV.  After a few months she was ruled not guilty and case dismissed because case law said if she didn't have a weapon in her hands then it wasn't actionable.  However, for those months I was issued protection and given possession of the house.

Most recordings were never needed.  But a few were invaluable.

Your mother's behavior and her BF's behavior are so outlandish, I think people will see through it in time. I think it's good to focus on your own peace with your family. Also, she's chosen quite a character for a BF. Hard to believe a grown man acts like that. Maybe they make a compatible pair.

Why they act like they do, I have no idea. Even with BPD- people are their own individuals.

I think pwBPD have a poor sense of self and tend to mirror the people they are with. Your mother picked quite a guy (sarcasm) and so may be behaving similarly along with him. I can't imagine people not picking up on this in time, unless they too have similar behaviors.

I just kept an emotional distance from people in my mother's circle. They were her people and she needed a support system and friends.  I was OK with that.

I’m going to take your advice and start documenting the bizarre behavior because while I thought I’d never need to take out an RO on my mom (and that awful guy she lives with), it may be necessary if they continue. I work from home four 10’s so my time on the road is limited to predictable but limited days, they’re retired and are on no schedule, my husband commutes about 30min each way.M-F. They seemed to have honed in on him since they know for sure when he commutes.

Her mask slipping in old age is real! A lot of the people we both know and I’m sure others think my mom is so sweet. Saves the stray animals (but doesn’t actually care for them), checks in on the nearby, very elderly neighbor (95+) but because she knows it makes her look good, not because she cares all too much. Always soooo nice when people are paying attention.

Meanwhile I’m exhausted trying to work and get through menopause, my oldest child (adult aged) has mental health issues, I probably don’t look friendly (), and just want to be left alone. I don’t want to convince her friends and neighbors to not believe her (they’ll believe what they want) and mostly just wish it would stop. While also knowing I can wish what I want but it makes no difference.

I apologize. I missed the part about your having children. How old are your children?

Is there anybody you could stay with or a place to move to until the divorce is final? Renting a room might not be that expensive. It seems like you are risking getting charged with a false domestic violence charge. The way domestic violence charges work in many jurisdictions is that someone has to be arrested if there is a complaint, and the man will be arrested if the woman does not have a weapon because he is considered to be a lethal weapon due to his superior physical strengths. Just the neighbors hearing you arguing could result in the police being called. Many woman with BPD will accuse the spouse of domestic violence when they realize he is going to divorce them and leave them for good. For the woman with BPD, a divorce means she is being abandoned and will be alone to deal with her overwhelming emotions without a spouse around to take out her anger on. Your wife's behaviors are likely to continue to escalate and living with her becoming more and more unbearable.

You might want to move just to not spend another day being abused by her in your home. Perhaps your support group could help you to find a place to stay.

hello.

please note that i (23f) as well as my partner (25m) both have borderline. he claims that the worst part of our relationship is the lack of validation and acknowledgment from my end when he confronts me on an insecurity or worry of his. and i agree. i would like to stop JADEing and learn to console him properly in the way he needs it.

i will give an example from last night. i was told i am ungrateful living with him and will always find something to complain about and that since moving in with him the sex has decreased and the life left my eyes.

he provides a roof for me and goes above and beyond financially, there is always food in the house, the bills are paid and it’s all because of HIM. i do not make nearly enough to settle the rent and he does not expect me to contribute. i would have 1% of the things i have right now without him. and yet i am still hormonal at times and will be upset about the condition of the house and not being able to decorate the house in the way i’d like. essentially i do not make it known that i am very happy to be here and that is my fault.

i remember i did not agree with him. he told me everything derives from the same issue that i cannot take accountability or validate his feelings

it ended with him saying that he feels like he’s has permanently split on me at this point as he has done in previous relationships, that he can’t be with someone who cannot validate him. he’s telling me he’s getting a restraining order on friday. in the same breath he has told me countless of times to not let him leave me and there have been many instances where he has begged me to stay during intimate/warm moments.

when i tried getting close it was too late and i was told to get off of him or shut up.

i have done a lot of wrong in his eyes despite having good intentions which makes him weary every time i mention a guy or go out. these wrongs include having a male friend who used to like me years ago and contacting other people that included men for advice and housing when i was being told to gtfo.

i cannot leave or risk this relationship because when he splits he does not care that i do not have the means to move out. i have no where to go and would rather learn how to soothe and reassure him. please can someone teach me to do that.

I hate to tell you this, it seems that the behaviors of most mothers with BPD worsen as they age and become even more dissatisfied with their lives. As her target, you might want to consider documenting all her behaviors, so if you need a restraining order at some point, you will easily get one. My understanding is that keeping a notebook and writing down the incidents as they occur in order, counts as legal documentation for court. A restraining order might include her not harassing you while driving which if you have plenty of documentation of and a restraining order, could allow you to call the police when another incident occurs. There can be some serious consequences for disobeying a restraining order including jail time and fines.

As far as the smear campaign goes, it is unfortunate that so many people believe that all mothers are saints and should be revered. I have found a few people who do get what I am talking about when I describe all the abuse I have suffered at the hands of my large narcissistic extended family. People who work directly with the elderly can be particularly understanding that some senior citizens are difficult and this is how they have always been, though it is more apparent with age as the masks slip.

Thank you for your response.

Yes, it would appear my BPD mom resents me and more than I knew. Which is infuriating because the hell she put me through as a kid would’ve gotten me removed from her custody if CPS had existed back then. Logically I know it’s pointless to a certain degree to be resentful as there’s no end, she’ll never take ownership of her behavior. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Last fall she was undergoing yet another cosmetic surgery, nothing urgent at all, and she kept insisting that I take her doctor’s calls with “updates.” I took one call and kindly asked the surgeon to not call me again unless there was an emergency. My mom had her BF with her, I was working from home and dealing with a major plumbing issue under our house. Mom flipped out and started harassing me, I told her to give me space, I went LC, she has been going off the rails since. We are now NC but I don’t have her blocked.

All I did was tell her I need space and to stop sending her BF over here to scream at us over our fence. :/

I did call law enforcement and unless there’s an eye witness or proof of the serving, nothing they can do until “something worse happens.” Frustrating. Maybe the lawyer angle will be needed in the future.

When I was much younger I believed my mom’s nice act for a long time (a lot of people do w/her) but eventually caught on and by the BPD diagnosis …well, I wasn’t surprised. Yet I did not fully realize how mean she actually is until recent years. The people she knows here who she tells her smear campaigns to believe her lies and from them all I get is the “you only get one mother in this life” line and admonished like a child. However, I do see your point about smear campaigns and large groups of people.

The turn my mom’s behavior has taken in this stage of her life was a bit surprising as she mostly keeps the witch under wraps and the waif out in full view. Since I’ve slowly pulled back from her starting years ago and through her aging process, her meanness is now front and center.

And yes, we have thought about moving but the housing market as we all know is insane. I love where we live but it is a well known high cost of living area on the US west coast . My neighbor’s house has been on the market for a year and they maybe get one car a week going by to look at it.

Hi there,

Thanks for the update, I'm praying for you.

I'd like to venture an idea that might be applicable in a highly contested divorce with a difficult person.  There's a quote from Napoleon borrowed in the movie Moneyball:  "When your enemy is making mistakes, don't interrupt them."  If your ex is starting a smear campaign, then you go ahead and let her . . . just document it, especially when it's in front of the kids.  Courts don't like to see parental disparagement, because it alienates children from their parent.  In other words, you don't have to be her worst enemy, because she's already her worst enemy.

To illustrate, my sister had a highly contentious divorce, and her ex asked for significant parenting time.  She was devastated at first.  But by my thinking, it wasn't the end of the world, because he'd have ample opportunity to show how he couldn't parent all by himself.  In practice, he missed half his parenting time without providing adequate notice (even though he was unemployed and had no other engagements).  He was significantly late and deficient when he had the kids (e.g. having to visit urgent care clinics all too often during his parenting time).  He missed all the PTA meetings, and he couldn't get the kids to their activities.  He'd drop the kids off early.  He had one too many car accidents with the kids in the car.  He repeatedly failed the breathalyzer tests (not testing at all is deemed a fail).  Though it took a long time, the courts eventually ruled that his parenting time had to be supervised, and it was also reduced.  I'm not saying that kids should be kept from their parents, I'm just saying that parenting time should be set up in such a way that it's successful at protecting the kids.  From the sound of it, your ex would probably have a hard time executing on parenting time all by herself.  You go ahead and document that.