I'm curious.  You said she could come home for a day, and the day went pretty well.  So you let her stay a second day and it all fell apart.  I wonder if that alone explains what happened...she became so stressed the 2nd day over staying/leaving, it just all boiled over.

Your wife currently has emotional problems with you, so you'd see the brunt of her frustration.  These boundaries are also pretty new and it's perfectly normal for things to get worse before they get better; she's pushing back because she's used to being able to.  It's a transition period that nobody would handle well.

Why doesn't the mom receive the same treatment?  Because that's not new and mom's boundaries are established.  Also maybe because if mom kicks her out as well, there's nowhere left to go.  BPDs always have someone they're close to, and even though mom isn't ideal, that's what she has right now so she's making the best of it.  The relationship with mom lets her remain bitter with you...I'm guessing the opposite was true when you first got together.

It's also possible that your "firmness" could also be too strict for this transition.  Your boundaries should be based on her decisions...if she can't stop screaming, she can't stay.  That's fair and it's her choice.  But if she didn't lose it on day one and she was going to be kicked out anyway, that could cause a good bit of stress for anyone.

in terms of my personal circumstances, in general, i am quite precarious, have some cash flow problems, and am experiencing isolation. i also have a very solid set of projects which i can pursue on my own, which bring me joy, and a Buddhist spiritual practice.

thank you again for asking such insightful questions and keeping it real 

In terms of what I want - it's kind of hard to know because my sense of reality has been destabilised - how can you know what you want in the world when that world has been so shaken...

- there was a part of me that wants 'everything to go back to normal' i.e. the life we shared - which in some ways was very loving - to resume. however, it is integrating in my brain that some parts of that 'normal' - i.e., me being defined as 'horrible' for things that were actually 'normal bad', or the repeated, ongoing suicidal ideation placed on me with no attempt to get treatment or find other outlets - were not OK.   

- there is a fantasy part of me that wants things to be 'fixed'. what i would need to feel like 'fixing' is possible is as follows: i want X were to acknowledge, apologise and be accountable for the cheating, gaslighting and denigration he has enacted, and to enter formal mental health treatment.

if X were able to pursue that treatment and also to demonstrate an ability to be alone and to regulate their emotions, i would consider 'repair' of the relationship to be possible (though not certain). at a minimum, this would be demonstrated by X remaining/ making progress in treatment for one year, and also refraining from sexual and romantic relationships for the duration. This would go some way to demonstrating that X is able to regulate these actions, where he has been unable to in the past.

- The above is, of course, largely a fantasy. X has shown no interest in either accountability for his cheating or treatment for his mental health, though in previous situations he actually has shown great self awareness and accountability.

- If X does not commit to the above, I want to have nothing to do with him, though realistically we will continue to cross paths. I want to mourn the fantasy that has evaporated, and to heal.

If you're expecting a difficult conversation, your body shows it (whether you realize it or not) and your general demeanor will change.  BPDs sense these subtle changes and it could be the catalyst that starts the next argument without you realizing it.

Walking on Eggshells is trying to tiptoe around the problems at home, like if we pretend everything's fine, then it will turn out okay.  It often has the opposite effect though and it emboldens people with mental illness to lash out even more.

Think about it- if I yell at you about something and you don't reply, then everyone else is going to think your silence is admitting some type of fault or responsibility.  Hiding from the problem is a terrible strategy since it will only get worse in time.

With BPDs, it's a fine line between showing compassion and creating healthy boundaries.

Thank you for your kindness and your insight kells76. I'll respond to the factual questions first.

- Whether we are 'officially broken up' is confusing because of the back and forth described above. X declared that we had 'explicitly broken up' at some point in the past (which we had not), described me as cruel and demanded I move out. I left our shared space shortly after and have been living on couches for over a month (though still paying my half of the rent). Days after 'you are cruel'/ 'i want you to leave', X sent me a 'happy new year x' message, which I ignored, and in the weeks since, a few other messages   regarding household things which I have not responded to. Given his oscillating relationship with memory/ reality, it's not clear what exists in his head regarding what is 'official'.

- Our relationship was intense and our lives were extremely integrated on a day to day and logistical level.

- I have a couple of close friends and my own independent projects that are important to me. however, many friends/ connections are mutuals with X and we are brought into contact through shared activities.  the close friends are very precious and have been insightful and supportive, but mostly live in a different city.

My daughter is leaning heavily into the blame game with me her mom right now.  I just learned she is pregnant and I sent her my congratulations but she texted me today saying she is cutting me off. She has been upset with me for setting a boundary over the holidays where my husband and I had to cancel hosting Christmas. My husband was not well and my daighter and her sister were both emotionally abusive towards me while I was stressed taking care of my husband.  I was blamed for asking them for help and told I was a joke of a wife. My boundary was disregarded and I was blamed because my boundary was viewed as a punishment.  My daughter was diagnosed with BPD several years ago but after she moved across the country and lived on her own she seemed to thrive so I didn't think much about it because she was in therapy.  After reading some posts I am learning that smoking pot is not a good thing for BPD and she was also doing mushrooms as well.  She is also on ADHD meds which she did mention a while back that she would have to be off of them if she got pregnant.  If that is the case the pregnancy hormones, withdrawl from her meds explains why this has escalated to this.  I honestly believed that she was well because she had the emotional intelligence and taught me about boundaries but I think the boundaries she was setting were to keep me away.  I can see now how I was always having to apologize for her feelings.  Today I also realised she tried to cut off her mother in law last year and had a lot of rules around how her in laws are allowed to show up in her life. I am starting to see a pattern of behaviour here. As a mom I am struggling with next steps trying to figure out what i can do to help my daughter but she has told me that her husband does not know about her diagnosis and she didn't want me to tell my husband about it either. We are both deeply concerned for her especially now that she is pregnant.  It sounds like you have been going through a lot with your daughter and it's easy for self doubt to creep in as a mom and wonder if we did the right thing.  However, I believe you did the right thing leaving the call.  She will learn nothing if you allow her to rage at you.  My daughter won't have a relationship with me because I am not willing to say her hurt feelings are my fault.  Stay strong. My prayers are with you.

Thank you So very confused.  I just posted that she cut me off today.  This is so hard.Thank you for your support.  It's nice to know I am not alone.  So am I hurting her more by not being there for her?

Thank you for the reply CC43.  

I was hurt about not hearing her pregnancy news directly but I sent her and her husband my congratulations. Today I got a text saying she is cutting me off and never wants to see me again.  That hit hard and my husband was shocked that she sent that message when he had met with her the day before and they discussed about taking time to process and heal.  He doesn't understand why she did a compete 180.  I'm still learning about BPD and am trying to help my husband understand why she is doing what she is doing.  He is supporting me and doesn't know how to help repair this situation.  She was taking medication for ADHD and I believe she had to stop those meds and along with pregnancy hormones I think this is making the BPD worse.  I love my daughter and we want to help her through this but it feels like nothing I say or do helps her.  She just wants to hear me say it's my fault she is upset and if I don't then she will not have a relationship with me. Today I realised that this is not the first time she has tried to cut people out of her life.  She wanted to cut her husbands mom out of her life last year.  I'm just worried about her state of mind being pregnant and the harm it may cause her pregnancy.  Do I just let this play out? Do we try an intervention? I'm afraid she is going to have a mental breakdown.

Gosh, I can relate to so many of your feelings. I’ve done a lot of reading- it’s so common for moms to be the villains. It’s actually because they are most attached to us and therefore, we get the most intense emotion. Doesn’t soothe it, but it’s important to know it’s not because they hate us- it’s because we are important to them.

The demand to talk, the blaming… the emotion is her using you yo regulate her feelings. She can’t do it alone, so she lets them out on you. It is odd and hard to understand.

It is very ok to take a break. Snd if you can, I highly recommend a therapist, the Family Connections class or NAMI  to get support. I do all three at times.

She was supposed to stay for just one night. However, since she was a bit sick and feverish, I suggested she stay one more day. That same night, we had a minor conflict. The next day, we had a major conflict in which she started yelling the same stuff all over again.

At the moment, I just wanted to drag her out of my apartment's door by force. I said I would do it, and I meant it. But as I get close to her, I feel pity for her, and at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching something precious, so my body language says it, and she feels it as well. After some additional ranting from the bathroom (as if she were in danger), she unflips and stops her rant. Then my feelings start to unflip as well. As she drops the attitude and nonsense arguments, I approach. Then she drops the grandiose attitude, allowing herself to be vulnerable, and soon we are kissing each other. Yeah, it's crazy how fast all of that happened.

But this time it's not as if the outburst was forgotten, because she knows the consequence. It is obvious. She knows that now it will be very unlikely that I allow her to stay for another weekend in my place.

My conclusion is that just a little bit of confidence is already enough to "free her madness."

What I'm trying to understand is why she isn't ranting at her mother, given the fact that her mother, when drunk, does everything that triggers her. In the past she did scream at her mother, but she certainly hasn't bullied her mother like she did to me. Currently, as a rule of the house, her mother said she wouldn't tolerate that anymore. Ok, but I said the same, and it didn't work. And my word is much firmer than her mother's. Maybe it is the fact that she sees me as emotionally strong and "unshakeable," while her mother is seen as senior, vulnerable, and breakable. If it's not that, then I'm missing some piece of this puzzle.