I think that resolving to take care of yourself first, ensuring you're in a calm place, is spot on.  The key is not to take your son's words personally, hard though that might be, and despite how hard your son tries to convince you that you're awful and you're the reason his life is a mess.

I highlighted your comment above to point out what I think your son is doing, which is projection and blame-shifting.  In my opinion, that happens when he's ruminating endlessly about his perceived faults--in this case, breaking trust, lying, etc.--which induce in him a deep shame.  He's so plagued by these negative thoughts that they emerge as projections onto other people.  To me, that's a hint about what is really bugging your son, especially if this is a recurring theme of his.  He's ashamed that he's lied or otherwise broken your trust, possibly about his drug use.  Maybe he feels his entire life is "fake," like he has impostor syndrome, that he's just "pretending" to function like an adult, when inside, he's still feels like a little boy.  Maybe he feels that if you really knew what he was up to, he'd embarrass you.  Underlying all this are probably feelings of shame, inferiority, disappointing you.  He's so worried about it that his concerns emerge as projections and accusations.

Why does he do this, you might ask?  Because with BPD, overwhelming emotions are hijacking his rational thinking.  In addition, it's very common for a pwBPD to play the victim and blame-shift, even if he has to distort the truth to do it (which is why he sometimes might appear "delusional").  To him, his feelings of shame are unbearable.  To him, a standard coping mechanism is avoidance (e.g. procrastination, numbing feelings with drugs), rather than dealing with problems rationally and progressively, a little bit at a time.  Instead of taking things in stride, putting things in context and having some patience and perspective, his thinking is black-and-white, catastrophic, and intensly personal.  Instead of tolerating distress or discomfort, he's impulsive, often self-sabotaging.  Think of it as a fight-or-flight, trauma-based reaction in ordinary situations.  And instead of working towards long-term goals, your son is stuck in the past, rehashing ancient grievances, to avoid dealing with today's problems.  Instead of taking responsibility for his life, he's blaming others, mainly YOU.  On these boards, I've written countless times how I think that the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders him powerless over his own life, as he expects everyone else to change, not him.  Sound familiar?  If it does, it's because that's BPD, and I've seen it all, many, many times with the pwBPD in my life.

But getting back to my original reply, I think it's fantastic that your son is getting therapy, and that he has a diagnosis, and that he's still talking to you.  It must mean that he's come to the realization that his standard tactics of using pot, lashing out and blaming you aren't really working for him anymore.  Look, pwBPD often dislike the diagnosis, as there's a stigma, and the words "personality disorder" seem pejorative.  But in my way of thinking, he just needs a extra support right now to learn better emotional coping skills.  Instead of framing it like a "disorder," frame it like getting support to overcome a rough patch in life.  Instead of beating himself up about personal defects, frame it like getting some life coaching, or maybe "executive" coaching, or maybe cognitive training.  My understanding is that the skills emphasized in DBT (the gold standard for treating BPD) are mindfulness, managing intense emotions, reducing impulsive behaviors, improving problem-solving skills and improving relationships.  Those are skills helpful to just about everyone, and they're not necessarily taught in the home, let alone school.  I don't see any shame in getting professional support and training.  From a guy's perspective, he could think of it like brain training--increasing mental toughness.  That's no different than building physical toughness at the gym!

Anyway, if he's in a good mood, you might comment how proud you are of him taking care of his physical and emotional well-being.  That's what responsible adults do, right?  I think that if he tries to blame you (Well, it's your fault I need therapy because of my terrible upbringing), I'd advise, don't apologize or fight him on that.  I think you stay in the present (I love you and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself.)

Just my two cents.  All the best to you.

These are good points- thanks!

I think if you are NC with both of them, then it's best to not send anything. It may seem confusing to them to get something in the mail from you, and since you don't want contact, they may respond.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I feeling so overwhelmed right now that your response is really helpful.  My son is working and living on his own.  On the surface one might not know what is going on.  That is what makes this so hard.  At first we thought it was just marijuana and alcohol use that was the biggest issue .he can be a wonderful person and the. "Split" as the articles say. 

I think you are absolutely right.  I think I need to take care of myself so I can see things more clearly. I am getting concerned because of my underlying health conditions and the impact stress has on it. Your words helped. I'm blessed with friends and interests so I'll try to keep my focus on that so I don't take his verbal blows so personally. The last thing that got me was that he said my husband and I  have to keep working hard to gain back his trust because in my mind I'm  like "Are you kidding?". We go through these ups and downs where we're the best parents or we messed up his life. His therapist said he is going through an episode. My son says he working on himself but then always has to finish the conversation with a one two punch.

I didn't respond to it.  The problem is that I internalize it and it's not good for my health.  So I will take care of myself so I can continue to work well with him. His therapist helped him understand that we will set boundaries not abandon him but to protect our relationship.

I

I am NC with my sister. I am NC with my niece who is an adult with her own home.

Great advice!  My sense from your post is that your wife was probably "successful" at parenting, only because you had been there facilitating it for her.  But would she be able to parent all on her own?  That would mean keeping the house clean, doing laundry, preparing meals for the kids, transporting them, arranging for and taking them to doctor appointments, etc.  It might turn out that parenting alone is completely overwhelming to a pwBPD.  And my concern is that your wife's home environment might not be very healthy for the kids.

I have a situation with a brother-in-law who is undiagnosed NPD and very low functioning.  Basically, when he separated from my sister, he got part-time custody of three young kids.  But he was simply unable to care for them properly all on his own, i.e. without my sister there to "facilitate" his parenting time.  He couldn't get regular meals on the table.  He couldn't clean his house.  He couldn't attend to his kids' needs (such as keep normal sleep schedules for school-age children).  He couldn't stay awake throughout parenting time.  He couldn't get them to school or activities on time.  He was irritatable and mean to the kids, insulting them and calling them idiots and *hores.  He parentified them, demanding that they do his chores, such as clean up his vomit or do the supermarket shopping while he slept in the car.  He let them them have unfettered access to screens.  Please note that he wasn't working, either.  At first, courts restricted his parenting time (i.e. no overnights), but eventually the courts deemed he was unfit to parent them unsupervised.  (Now Grandma is present during his parenting time, and she's the one who drives, serves meals, etc.)  I wouldn't advocate keeping kids completely isolated from their parent, but I would advocate for their safety and emotional well-being.  They can have fun "TV time" with a parent in appropriate settings, for example an afternoon.  In practice, a disordered BPD/NPD parent tends to drop the kids off early or skip parenting time completely . . . because parenting is just too HARD all by themselves.  Untreated BPD often makes adults unreliable.

That's a long-winded way of saying, I'd think carefully about allowing a situation where your ex gets primary custody plus child support from you, because like PeteWisend stated, it's likely that you'll be taking care of the kids most of the time anyway.  In addition, letting your ex have primary say in decision-making is fraught, because a pwBPD is seldom able to put her child's interests first.  (I think she's more likely to use children as pawns.)  Since your wife voluntarily left the home and left the kids is very telling.  She can do that because she knows you'll always take care of the kids.  Sure she'll SAY she loves them, misses them and needs to take care of them.  But her actions speak louder than words.  You need to document, document, document.  My guess is, your kids are better off with you most of the time.  They probably still need their mom, but in a controlled, safe environment, where their mom isn't expected to do much of anything.  Maybe she'll surprise you and step up.  But I'd be looking at the fact pattern here:  she left the home.  Has she asked to see the kids since she left?  Has she done any parenting?  If not, that would be a sign that her priorities are elsewhere.

Hi Superdog,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here are feeling the same thing--emotional whiplash, exhaustion, desperation, despair, anger, grief, loneliness.  You've probably tried everything, yet nothing seems to work.  Your kid simultaneously loves you and hates you, and, frankly, you probably feel much the same about him, but for different reasons.

If you read through the parent section on this site, my guess is you will see some familiar themes.  At least you'll know that you're not alone in this.  And even though you might feel hopeless right now, I see some reasons for hope in your post.

First off, your son has a diagnosis, and you know about it too.  That's significant.  At least you both know what you're dealing with.

Secondly, BPD is treatable, provided that your son wants to make some changes to feel better.  Since he's still pretty young, my bet is that he could turn his life around, and probably pretty quickly, if he stayed committed to therapy.

A complicating factor is drug use.  Self-medicating with drugs seems to be fairly common with BPD.  My opinion is that drug use only complicates the situation.  It may be that your son might need to focus on getting clean before he can do the hard work of learning some better coping skills. 

Having said that, I see a couple of other huge positives in your post.  Your son is getting some regular therapy.  In addition, it seems he has authorized his therapist to talk to you, so that you can learn how to strategize and support your son throughout his treatment.  In my opinion, a loving, stable parent like yourself is a huge ally in a young adult's treatment journey.  Granted, your son has to do the work of therapy himself.  But knowing that you're there and that you're his ally is important in my opinion.  It's part of the "scaffolding" in his life that supports him as he learns to be more stable and independent.

I'm not going to lie to you, the journey in treating BPD can be a rough one.  So I like to think in terms of baby steps.  I think many pwBPD feel overwhelmed by life, especially when it comes to making changes.  My advice would be to take things one step at a time, and slowly at first.  Now I'm not sure what your son's life looks like right now--is he living with you, or is he living independently?  Is he working, at least a little bit, or is he sleeping most of the day away?  I'd just caution you not to make any big "investments"--like setting him up in a new apartment that you paid for--unless and until his life is looking more ordered.  Otherwise, you'd basically be setting him up to fail.  Moreover, at age 30, my opinion is that if your son wants something--for example, to move away, to start a new job, to further his studies, to buy a new car--he should be the one to make it happen, not you.

Anyway, based on my experience with the pwBPD in my life, the first "baby step" in the recovery journey was an improvement in basic living habits, such as going to bed at night, getting up in the morning, showering, getting dressed, eating semi-regular meals and keeping her environment tidy.  Please note that she also stopped using marijuana daily, on the advice of her doctors.  The next step was probably getting some regular exercise, such as going to the gym a few times a week.  At the same time, she kept her therapy appointments.  Once the daily routine looked more normal, the next baby step was making a friend or two, starting with a peers in her treatment program.  The next baby step was taking an online class.  Another one was an easy part-time job, like dog walking.  The next baby step was moving into an apartment with a roommate.  With each baby step, I felt that she built some forward momentum, and she was gaining a little confidence, a better sense of her "identity" which wasn't 100% victim.

I'm not going to lie, there were some setbacks.  But my sense is that she didn't go off the rails for as long or as far as she used to do.  In other words, the frequency, intensity and duration of her outbursts diminished, and she generally got back "on track" faster.  In my humble opinion, the direction of movement is more important than speed.

Sadly, she hasn't repaired her family relationships yet.  But her life is looking much, much more healthy and functional now.  I'm proud of her for that.  My hope is that someday she'll be able to overcome her negative view of the past and repair some family relationships.  We'll see.

In the meantime, my advice to you would be to take care of yourself first.  I often advise parents here to think in terms of modeling for your kid what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes taking exquisite care of yourself.  It also means you find time for your spouse, friends, hobbies and vacations.  It means you take care of your health and finances.  This is so that you're in a good place for when you interact with your son, so that you can be the calm, reasonable, upbeat one.  How does that sound?

The additonal factor in this situation is the SSI. For your wife to qualify for SSI- she must have documented impairment serious enough to affect her ability to work and qualify for income. That's already known. It's also a disincentive to working because, if she earns more than the threshold for receiving SSI- the SSI is reduced. It also may indicate that her ability to work full time is actually limited.

Likely, being married, the SSI is already reduced based on your combined income. The more she works, it might be reduced more.

If she wants to be on her own, it's possible that financially, she is better off being single, as she can then get the full SSI and supplement by working some hours but not so much as to reduce it.

That her SSI can conver the rent is a positive here.

If you pay alimony- that can potentially reduce her SSI- so that doesn't help. It would be better to let her get the full amount and you pay less. I don't know how child support is factored in but you know that once the money is hers- there's no knowing what it's spent on.

It seems to me that if she wants to be on her own, it could be better for her to be single and if you wanted to go through with a divorce- that she initiated this, and has SSI may is reassuring that she won't be without a way of managing besides you.

Hi broken mom,

I'm sorry your daughter seems so upset.  If she's reaching out after weeks or months of estrangement by making demands and a suicide threat, my guess is that she's feeling a lot of stress and/or disappointment right now.  Worse, she has tried to drag your ex into this, by venting to him all her (ancient) grievances about you, when technically you have't done anything wrong in recent weeks.  He's upset that she's upset, and he's also blaming you.

Trust me, this isn't about you at all.  This is about your daughter bumping up against adulthood without the necessary emotional skills to cope.  My opinion is that young adulthood is the worst--from around age 22 to 25--when it becomes increasingly clear to her that she's not functioning very well, and when her tantrums seem totally incongruent with her age.  Maybe as a tween and teenager, she could get away with throwing fits, especially within the confines of her immediate family.  But as a young adult, well she's discovering that throwing tantrums and acting out all the time isn't really working for her as it once did.  People don't want her around because of her drama and inappropriate outbursts.  She's not invited over much.  She's lost her friends (and probably doesn't have any left).  She can't keep a job.  She can't really handle independent study or keeping house.  She's totally overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood, let alone parenthood.  Her life starts to look dysfunctional, and she knows it.  Yet her expectations remain totally unrealistic:  she expects always to be the center of attention.  She expects too much devotion from friends and family.  She expects others to over-function for her.  She's selfish.  She feels irritable and aggrieved, full-time.  She feels traumatized, abused, neglected, inferior, constantly dissatisfied.  Her aura is negative.  Her entire mindset is negative.  She's stressed out.  She thinks her life is over.  She can't stand living another day.  She's exhausted, and yet she stays up late at night scrolling through social media, feeling left out and insanely jealous of "everyone else."  But her thinking is increasingly disordered.  She doesn't understand where her troubles are really coming from.  She adopts a victim narrative, blaming everyone else for all her woes.  And that, in my opinion, is the worst part of BPD, because she thinks she's helpless, and she abdicates responsibility for her own life.  She has basically given up on herself.  Others might step up to "help" her, but the more others do for her, the less competent and confident she feels.  She RESENTS you for being so reliant on you.  Does that sound about right?

Let me guess, her entire family has generally been supportive of your daughter, by providing her money, free housing, logistical support and/or free childcare.  But rather than be appreciative, she's upset and uber-demanding.  She blames others for all her problems.  Worse, she uses her own child as a pawn, to "punish" you for not doing exactly as she wants.  That's a frequent scenario on these boards.

Now that probably doesn't make you feel much better about the situation, because you don't want to see your daughter in such distress, and you don't want to be alienated from your grandkid.  Just know it's BPD, and it's not your fault.