I NEED SKILLS.
Hi again,
OK you certainly might benefit from learning skills. One good one that works for me is to "gray rock," meaning I remain as calm, still and boring as a gray rock, and don't I get sucked into conversations when emotions are running high. The idea is that when emotions are running high, he's not really listening anyway, and the negative emotions hijack his thought process. By not "engaging," I'm not adding fuel to the emotional fire, and I'm not perpetuating the circular arguments.
Another related skill is not to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain--when emotions are running high. The same premise applies as when you gray rock.
Similarly, I think of a dysregulation as an emotional rollercoaster. I let the pwBPD get on the rollercoaster, but I choose not to ride alongside them. Instead, I wait calmly at the exit until they get off, because I just don't like rollercoaster rides.
These tools collectively might be thought of as "adult time outs." Mostly the adult time out is for the pwBPD, but honestly it works for me too. I get some time to calibrate my response (if any). I try to remain "calm, cool and collected" CC43. Sometimes it's easier said than done. My advice? Try not to interrupt the time out. Let him approach you when he's ready. Don't "beg" for communication or a response from him, because "begging" is emotionally charged, and could be understood as an admission of guilt. In my opinion, when you reach out preemptively, when you check in with him, it could "dignify" his poor behavior, and "reward" him with your attention. If he's still off his rocker when he approaches you, just let him go back into the adult time out. You can invent an excuse if necessary, without projecting blame (I'm at an appointment, now's not a good time for this conversation, bye.)
But for these skills to work, I think you need to be in the right headspace first. To do that, first you have to recognize that you're not at fault, you're not to be blamed or held responsible for your son's problems, no matter how hard he tries to convince you otherwise. You also have to admit that you can't FIX your son--only he can do that. You are not responsible for his feelings--he is. You need to get out of the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Right now the FOG is probably making you not see things as clearly as you could. Once you get out of the FOG, I think it's easier to apply the skills. In a way, I might be "lucky," because the pwBPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter. Since I married her dad when she was about to start college, perhaps I don't feel "responsible" for her upbringing, let alone guilty or burdened by a sense of obligation for not giving her the childhood she wanted.
My other general advice for parents is to double-down on self-care when feeling stressed out. For me that includes eating clean, daily exercise and getting sleep. I'm not a great sleeper, so the first two--diet and exercise--are even more important for me, to set me up for the restful sleep I need. On top of that, self-care for me includes finding balance in my life. I can't let BPD dysfunction ruin my life for me, I don't deserve it. So I make a point to practice my hobbies (for example walking outdoors, sewing, reading and learning languages), as well as connect with friends and extended family. I actually make a point to be a good role model for the pwBPD of what a healthy adult's life looks like. In my house I'm generally the one to make fun plans (a ski outing, trip to the beach, going to a concert). It just seems easier to handle BPD when I'm in a happier mindset, and when I have a full and meaningful life. Then dealing with BPD seems to be a more minor, temporary disruption, not my entire life. And I avoid feelings of resentment, grief, anger, powerlessness, manipulation, financial exploitation, etc.--at least I try to avoid feeling that way. Does that make sense?