Hi there!

Welcome to the group.  I can see you are a jovial guy, and that it hurts you can't really be that way when you're with your wife, because you're focussing all your effort on managing her emotions.

I can also see you have a keen sense of what is going on in your relationship.

My advice?  You be you.  Like you wrote, "No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving."  The reason for this is that you didn't cause BPD, you can't control it and you can't cure it, no matter how much you want to.  Only your wife can do that.  The good news is, she's had some success with medications, she's open to working on herself, and she even apologizes sometimes.  On this site, it's rare that pwBPD recognize how their behavior hurts those around them, let alone apologize for it.  Instead, what seems to be the norm is a pervasive victim attitude, blaming others for causing all their distress, while not taking any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Anyway, I'd say, you be you.  Your wife married you because you are fantastic, exactly how you are, and you need to stay true to yourself.  You're lucky, because you're smart and fun to be with.  You make sure you take exquisite care of yourself.  You focus on doing your job.  You maintain your friendships, because they will help keep you grounded.  You take some breaks, if that's what you need to adjust your mindset and get out of a fight-or-flight state, so that when your wife is in distress, you can listen with empathy without getting "sucked in" to her negative emotions, without JADEing and defending yourself from baseless accusations.  If your wife is lashing out at you and making you distressed, then I'd say, you take a time out, while simultaneously putting her in an adult time out.  Don't blame her; just say something simple like, "This is stressing me out, I'm taking a quick walk."  If she's accusing you of being a lazy, terrible spouse who has never done anything right and who is going to be a terrible parent, you just think silently to yourself, well that's ridiculous, and most likely what wife is worried about, because she's scared of the future.  You go ahead and give her some time and space to self-regulate, while at the same time, giving yourself some time and space too!  You don't "reward" her meanness with your attention.  Instead, you take a walk, do some push-ups, or do a semi-mindless, wordless task like folding clothes, sweeping the front steps, sorting the mail, wiping down the counters or taking out the trash.  I'm mentioning these light, physical activities because I think they help give the brain a little break, a reset, and on top of that, you reward yourself by getting stuff done and tidying your environment, reclaiming a little control over your life.

Anyway, if your wife is accusing you of things that aren't true, or if she's searching the archive of past wrongs and bringing them up when they aren't warranted, that's typical BPD.  Most of the time, she's projecting her own self-hatred onto you.  She's unleashing her negative emotions onto you, in a misguided attempt to rid herself of them, while getting you to feel the extent of her own pain.  She's on an emotional rollercoaster and trying to get you to ride alongside her.  With BPD, misery doesn't like company, misery likes miserable company!  But you don't deserve to be miserable, and you don't have to ride the emotional rollercoaster.  You can wait patiently by the exit.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

I have an attorney and they just keep saying I have to go through the procedure.  A pro se BPD just files files files all kinds of stuff.  Accusations of not sending discovery or missing files that prove the conspiracy, well they don't exist.  At this point I think the judge and everyone knows something is off but they have to go by the law.  I'm just tired of every single time she wants to file something I have to pay more money to have a hearing over what she perceives to be the truth.  Then violate the orders and cry wolf when a contempt is filed, and everyone is biased and we need a recusal and to transfer venue.  She's so comfortable she argues with the judge and tells him he doesn't know the law.  Every day I take off of work is a court date, I would like to not pay an attorney and not have to use all my pto on hearings.  I'm just trying to figure out how to end this, it's obvious to everyone that something isn't right with her.

No he doesn't accept compliments but doesn't treat them with suspicion. He just doesn't take them in, which is a big problem because if he did he might not be so focused on the 1 second of each day when I wasn't trying to make sure he was okay. (slight exaggeration but you get the gist).

Very true about the sky being blue metaphor too!

It's so very sad that it's turned out like this. I think it's ruined me for future relationships too, especially as I'm no spring chicken!

Hello all!

I am male, married and my wife is 7 months pregnant right now. I love her very much but am in one of those "too bad to stay, too good to leave" marriages.

Context about me:
I am officially diagnosed with ADHD-Predominantly Inattentive type and have been taking medication for 7 years and undergoing regular therapy from 2 years to work on multiple facets of my life. I am a very jovial and politely sarcastic person who was always the funniest guy in the room and used to make people laugh through school, college and workplace with my banter. I enjoy making others laugh and bantering with them. I am managing my ADHD symptoms with medication and a lot of work on my executive skills (or lack thereof ;)) but it feels so exhausting to fight that inner battle every single day wrt procrastination, time management, not cutting people off, prioritization, not being late to events, mindful communication etc.

Context about my wife:
She grew up with an extremely emotionally abusive father who got diagnosed by our family psychiatrist as having Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD). She was always walking on eggshells throughout her childhood and had many traumatic events happen to her right from her earliest memories. She is STARVED of love and support from her family and they're dysfunctional to say the least (her words). I pointed out to her that some things didn't seem normal and put her in touch with my psychiatrist and therapist to work with her individually/independently.

She got officially diagnosed with CPTSD, Generalized anxiety, Insomnia and BPD by the doctor after observing her over few months. Since I got to know the BPD diagnosis, I felt so validated and heard that I wasn't a monster who hurts her or constantly makes her cry for no apparent reason. I was sooo guilty and beat myself up mentally for the pain she was going through internally.

The positive thing is that she is very open to medication, therapy and working on herself. She has taken responsibility for her actions, words and lashing out multiple times and with the mood stabilizing medicines, life was actually good for a few months last year where I was cautiously happy during peace times after  having been burnt SO many times.

The sad part is that the things I find challenging even with medicines (mindful communication, patience, remembering stuff, time management, impulse control) are the EXACT things that are expected of me as a BPD-partner. No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving.

If I may sum up her personality in 1 famous trope - "I hate you, don't leave me"

I am currently reading the below books to take accountability and ownership of my life, but it is DRAINING and TIRING to have this battle every single day:
1. Time Management Toolkit for adult ADHD - Risa Williams
2. Procrastination Playbook for adult ADHD - Risa Williams
3. Stop Walking on Eggshells (suggested by therapist) - Randi Kreger

The days it's bad, I feel like giving up and divorcing her. But after a day or two, I almost feel "bad" for her and feel obligated to keep her happy. I also am happy with her when the days are good!

I am just reading and learning about boundaries, JADE, non-combative communication,

My goal is to make this marriage work as divorce is not an option even hypothetically (spiritual reasons, family dynamics).

The doc paused her medication due to her pregnancy and she's back to the anxious, unpredictable, insomnia phase where I am sick of hearing her suffer and also feel guilty for feeling this. Beyond a point I can't help her other than listen to her with empathy.

Her pregnancy has been INCREDIBLY draining for me as I have to manage my highly demanding job, tight work schedule, her mood swings, unmedicated mental state and completely random "do you even love me?" hooks which are impossible to defend/deflect. I was apprehensive of this unmedicated pregnant phase but wasn't prepared for how bad it'd be.

I'm tired of constantly reassuring her, apologizing for nonexistent problems in her head, justifying my intentions, explaining every intonation and word choice when I speak. I have been getting upper back pain and lower back soreness if I even think about conversations with her. I keep having arguments in my head while taking a shower....

It's incredibly hard for me to be mindful of both my super fast distracted mind and her mind while maintaining everything in daily adult life. In times of conflict or impending conflict, it all goes for a toss as I tend to shut down and forget all the acronyms JADE, RAIN, deep breathing, validating phrases etc. She apologizes and cries to me after any huge conflict and tells me she's unable to regulate her emotions, but it doesn't really help the deep wounds that are piling onto my heart and inner being. The worst part is my people pleasing/enabling nature doesn't let me focus or concentrate on my workday if there's conflict in our home. it's a vicious joke...

If I could avoid conflict by apologizing, I am ready to say sorry every single day if that buys me peace. But even that doesn't help as you all know...

How do I survive till the baby's delivery and till she is cleared to get back on her medication post the initial breastfeeding stage? I'm tired

Consult a lawyer to see if you really need a psych evaluation. The most important is that it is done by a qualified professional who has a reputation for doing fair accurate
psych evaluations if you indeed need one.

Know exactly what you mean. My ex would break up with me then start coming back into the pub where we used to go. She wouldn't speak but she was letting me know she was still there and l would end up chasing her, ignoring the red flags.

Probably knowing I'd chase her only made her worse and she'd break up again and again. No idea what she was doing when not seeing me - she might have been seeing others then only coming back to me when the new thing fizzled out. With BPD's it's always a case of 'out of sight out of mind' and it's like you never existed.

She eventually threw such a horrific tantrum where she was so detached from reality that I realised I didn't know her..and didn't want to know her any more, so when she broke up with me I didn't chase. I heard later that she'd come into the pub looking for me but this time I wasn't there.  If she'd been genuine about getting back together she could have contacted me in any number of ways so it was obvious she wasn't really bothered.

You'll never get any closure with a partner who can't appreciate your feelings and can discard you in a second - in their mind they've never done anything wrong.

Indeed, my ex BIL is similar.  When he wants to, he can look good, speak convincingly and exude charisma, just like a lawyer.  You can't argue with him, and he can do no wrong, because he finds a million loopholes aka excuses and always blames someone else.  He makes false allegations, which is classic BPD/NPD.  In fact, most of his allegations are pure projection of his own issues onto his ex.  For example, he alleges that his then-wife assaulted him, when reality is the complete opposite.  It's just that she had photographs of bruises and a trip to the doctor to prove it, and he had nothing but his 260 pounds, double her size.

By the way, disparagement of a parent in front of children is frowned upon by the courts, because that is deemed to interfere with the parent-child relationship.  I'm pretty sure I included "scaring the children" in my list of potentially abusive tactics, and in my opinion that would include threats of locking up either parent in prison.

I'm not sure what else to advise but to document, document, document any evidence of your ex potentially abusing your children.  One incident that was a turning point in my family was when my niece approached a school counselor to express her fears about riding in the car with her dad (because she feared he was driving drunk and/or in a precarious, medically impaired state), and about the conditions in her dad's home (vermin, lack of food).  On top of that, she revealed that he was cruel to her, calling her a slut and "hor."  She was eleven, afraid to utter the word and too young to spell it correctly.  Now, most children don't want to get their parent in trouble, and they might fear retribution.  But she took the risk, because she was frightened/traumatized and couldn't stand living with him anymore.  Since the school counselor is a mandated reporter, a CPS investigation was launched.

As the kid(s) get older, they may be able to vote with their feet.

I'm really sorry you and your kid(s) have to deal with this.

I'm just trying to figure out how to end it.  She yells and screams, the kids are afraid of asking for certain things because they know she will get mad, she talks very bad about me to them including the case, tells the kids I'm trying to put her in jail and that I'm dangerous.  Mine is a professional that looks good and speaks amazing.  Her vocabulary is insane, you can't argue with her.  She's not a run down drunk or druggie, its just the extreme false allegations.  She calls cps on me, calls welfare checks on me.  I'm highly investigated and they all know nothing is wrong, and they all showed up to court and said it, so now its a conspiracy between me, the judge, and the prosecutor to traffic kids away from good moms.  Seriously that's what she said.  She reaches out to senators and groups, testifies in front of congress about corruption in family court.   So at first you think wow she's this amazing person fighting for us, then you realize who she claims to be is an act or a mask that really she's miserable and angry.  I've had her held in contempt twice and multiple sanctions, she still doesn't follow the orders under the veil of child safety, and now all of the professionals and law enforcement are involved in this huge coverup with me.    Now once you don't believe her or go against her, well you're part of it and she goes psycho doxxing you posting bad about you and that's when people realize, but the courts?  she gets away with everything.  I figure if I had a diagnosis that says that's what they do.  That she will twist anything to be bad when I'm painted all black then once you don't agree with her you're right there with me.  Maybe it wouldn't help, I don't know I'm just upset this isn't ending and she's escalating, not violence, just posting lies all over everywhere non stop. 

Hi there,

A custody battle is generally a nightmare, but with BPD/NPD, it's an order of magnitude worse.

I think I'd advise that since you're dealing with a custody case here, the well-being of the children comes first.  Let's do a thought experiment.  Let's say you order a psych eval, and it comes back that your ex has BPD.  I'd ask, so what?  Parents can have all sorts of issues--physical, mental, financial, etc.--but nevertheless they're still able to parent.  So I think that what it comes down to is whether your ex is abusive, negligent or otherwise not capable of caring for your kid(s) properly.  My point is, it's not so much the diagnosis of BPD that's important; it's the behaviors that adversely impact the kid(s) that matter.  Things like screaming at the kid(s), insulting them, humiliating them, hitting them, scaring them, threatening them, punishing them excessively, blaming them, and making them over-function for their mom, becoming HER emotional caretaker and HER servants instead of the other way around, the way it's supposed to be.  You need to document a pattern of abuse in my opinion.

I have an ex BIL who is undiagnosed NPD and has a highly dysfunctional life, and who was also extremely combative in court, being an ex lawyer himself.  It took the courts a long time to "see through" his ploys--but once they did, they came down hard on him.  Basically they found him in contempt of court, and his parenting time was severely restricted, requiring supervision by another adult all times.

How did the court get there?  Well, CPS was involved, twice, and a GAL was appointed.  The GAL's investigations took several months.  And though a Cluster B can seem to "pull themselves together" for a short time, I think they don't have the stamina or consistency to "fake" it for very long.  Their self-destructive tendencies eventually shine through.  For my BIL, that included heavy drinking (and failing multiple breathalyzer tests), several missed appointments and court dates, the inability to produce requested documents, non-compliance with child support and general non-cooperation with court orders.  On top of that, in the intervening months he had run-ins with police and a few medical events, one requiring a long hospitalization.  In addition, he had a long track record of skipping visitation and neglecting to call his children when he had agreed to do it.  Together with the GAL report and recommendations, the courts saw through his BS and came up with a reasonable custody arrangement.  It was one of the very, very rare cases that wasn't settled and actually went to trial, because my ex BIL was so stubborn and refused to cooperate or negotiate.
 
But central to all that was demonstrating, not that my ex BIL was mentally ill, but that his parenting was inadequate for the children.  In his case, things like spotty driving/accidents, reports of not feeding the children, not attending to normal parenting duties (e.g. PTA meetings, doctors appointments, dental visits, kids' activities, etc.), parentification, allowing the kids to see porn/inappropriate movies, abusive language/insults and an unclean home were important in building the "case" of not being fit to parent on his own.  His inability to care for his own health issues (untreated diabetes, kidney failure, gout, alcoholism) also played a part.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

My DIL was diagnosed with bpd. She is married to my son. My son, dil, 4 yr old granddaughter and 2 yr old grandson have lived with me since my granddaughter was born ( 4 years) for financial reasons. My son is continually looking for a better financially paying job, but in the meantime, they live with me. My dil is very moody, continuously upset with me, leaves dishes with food in the sink for sometimes two days ( where there is no room for me to do my own cooking or dishes). My relationship with my son and grandchildren means everything to me, so I don’t complain, I help clean when it gets too unbearable. I feel like I have no control over my home or life. Not sure what to do. I don’t want to kick them out of my house until they can financially afford it.