In most states alimony appears to be viewed as short term support to enable the disadvantaged spouse to transition into post-marital life.  That can include career training.  Also, as happened in my case, if the disadvantaged spouse gets equal or more parenting time on the official schedule, then the ex-spouse also gets child support.  (In recent years the law changed and now CS is post-tax which would mean that you would pay CS after you first paid taxes on those earnings.)


I briefly went back and reviewed some of your early posts such as the one above.  You weren't married then so it appears your children aren't teenagers yet.  Yet the gist of your posts is similar to today.  She hasn't made substantive progress toward recovery.  And the issues are the same old, same old?  Would you agree you've been in a holding pattern (airplane reference) all these dozen years?

I'm not fluent with all the therapeutic terms but I wonder if co-dependence applies here.  It wouldn't be your fault since it may be this is influence from your childhood FOO (family of origin).  Just thinking outside the box...

Remembering the advice not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) has been so helpful to me.  It's hard to do but pays off.

Re has anyone else experienced a desire to explain, justify, defend yourself - yes, yes, oh, yes. It's incredibly destabilising and painful to exist on a different plane of reality from someone you used to trust and love. Sadly, you cannot force someone else to be accountable to reality when their lack of accountability is the reason you are unable to be in the relationship. Your healing can't depend on her validation.

It sounds like your mind knows what needs to happen but your heart and emotions don't. When you're in a committed relationship, you love and trust the other person. You do this every day, it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break. It's a physical process as much as a mental one, and it is self reinforcing. As time goes by, new habits will form and it will be less painful. I feel for you. No contact sounds like the right decision and it will hopefully accelerate the process.

The wikipedia article on Haltlose got castrated five years ago, but https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Haltlose_personality_disorder&oldid=1000202418 is the fullest version, rather than the "current".

Hi there,

The situation you describe is disconcerting to me.  Though you're benefitting from a temporary break from your BPD wife's daily chaos, and that is a wonderful reprieve, it's at the expense of infidelity.  What's more, she's establishing a track record of being completely dependent on you, not unlike an adult child living with you--free room and board, no household responsibilities, allowed to come and go whenever she pleases, with access to a "parental ATM."  She enjoys adult freedoms without the corresponding adult responsibilities.  And now she's creating the narrative that she "sacrificed" her "career" to take care of kids.  In my opinion, an issue here is that if you do decide to separate, you might be on the hook for alimony, long-term.  And your wife might be awarded more time with the kids than she should, because she's telling the story that she "sacrificed" her life to raise them.

Anyway, I think the general advice here is to document, document, document.  That would include evidence of how much you are caring for the kids, and any indications of neglect or abusive behavior by mom.  You could keep records of who transports the kids, who takes them to doctor's appointments, who attends meetings with teachers, etc.  Maybe you take a cute picture of the kids every day as they head off to daycare, school or activities as documentation.  Also, I would think twice about permitting your wife to have any extra spending money from you, because I think that would potentially be used against you as a baseline for future alimony.  I've seen situations where a spouse was considering divorce and increased spending in the months before filing, seemingly just to establish a higher level of ongoing financial support from the ex.  Let the new romantic interest pay for stuff if they want to.

She has no reason at all to start a divorce. Her "complaining" that motherhood stopped her career" - this is her "rewriting history" to avoid shame and avoid her issues being discovered, which I assume hasn't happened yet with new GF.

The serial "pie in the sky" wishful and magical thinking - wanting the next thing- the new house, the  place of her own, the GF, because she thinks this is going to be the solution for her discomfort- you've seen that and you've seen that if she attains it- in time, there's another wish.

Even if your wife has complaints, this situation is working for her. Only if this new GF is able to and willing to provide for her better, take on the role of emotional caretaker,  and things progress to this point would she possibly consider it. Since relationships with pwBPD tend to be unstable, I don't think it's realistic to count on this if you want this. The more likely situation (IMHO) is that once "reality" sets in with this relationship- as it does for everyone to some extent after the initial newness, it would fall apart.

This relationship is like dating in high school. Parents pay the bills, there's no children to be responsible for, no worries about jobs, a mortgage, saving for retirement. The most responsibility a teen carries is usually schoolwork and a part time job. The relationship feels idyllic. Marriage involves work, childcare, it's a more mature commitment that teens aren't ready for. This is working for the GF too. She doesn't have to support your wife or share the care of the kids. They can have fun together while someone else does that. The reality of a long term relationship hasn't set in for them and it may be that the GF doesn't want that- she just wants what they have now. This situation doesn't necessarily lead to your wife divorcing you for this.

If you want to end the marriage, you will need to do that task but from your posts, it doesn't seem to be what you want to do at the moment. I think you'd be OK if she did it, but for you to do it, you'd need to take action. On the topic of boundaries- boundaries are what we act on. If infidelity was a boundary- that line was crossed when your wife went on a dating site. I'm not being judgmental or preaching morals- what two people do is between them and if both are OK with this, then it's not an issue in the marriage. It's that she did it and it wasn't OK with you but you adapted to it. It's not a boundary on which you will act- but boundaries are individual ones and so you can choose to tolerate this.

I watched this dynamic between my parents and it can go on for the long term. Dad mostly went along with BPD mother's wishes, and so, her wishes took the lead in the family. It seemed as if she could do what she wanted and without consequences, which isn't how the real world works, but it worked for her because this is what their arrangement was.

In every marriage there is the need for compromise and forgiveness, and to overlook some behaviors but also, people have boundaries- which are the very limits of what someone will tolerate. What behaviors are so intolerable that one can't remain married? Only you can decide what that is for you.

Relationships with a BPD are intense and magical when in one and intense and confusing when they abruptly discard you. There's no sense that it's happening. When it does, the reasons given aren't the whole story.

I was discarded by a disordered man. He was a rebound guy after my marriage broke up.

The usual behavior of a male BPD after a discard is periods of intense communication, often out of the blue,  with the former partner. It's never really over in their minds. This guy went to extraordinary lengths to make contact with me - different phone numbers, email addresses, letters. I blocked and ignored him. It stopped and then it started again. It wasn't flattering at all. It was a form of stalking. I wanted my life back and him away from me. I was tired of the intense push and pull. It seemed very, very disordered.

I'd suggest it might not be good for you to maintain a friendship with someone who discarded you. They'll draw you close when they need something from you and discard you again.

It might be to your benefit to see a therapist to help you get over this painful relationship and move on.

Family court will allow a lot of "He said... She said..." then ignore it as hearsay and move on.  Same for the posturing for money or to avoid the debts; it will be dealt with following the court's policies and procedures nearer the end of a divorce.

From what you've been saying, she may not be likely to start a divorce.  So that ball may be in your court - sports pun intended.

Let's not forget the children.  What is best for the children?  They are accustomed to the current dysfunction, more or less it's what they've known all their lives.  Naturally they want more stability and normalcy - if they even deep down know what that is - be they won't want to be fought over and especially not stuck in the middle.

One thing I learned from my own divorce years ago...  My lawyer told me courts love counseling.  It may be a lost cause for the disordered parents, but it is so excellent for the children.  If finances are limited and the children aren't already being helped with sessions, ponder how much the {free} school counselors can help.  Something is better than nothing.

I didn't include it was my dBPD mom who was causing problems in our family. It was my enabler dad who refused to take responsibility to help me deal with my abusive mom.