All you can do at this point is try.  Maybe it works out, maybe not.  But as your going through this process and focusing on "I", you're actually making a shift in the relationship without realizing it.  You're starting to prioritize your feelings over hers, your needs over her wants, your mental health over her demands, etc.  And while that might sound counter-productive, it's the only thing that has a chance of balancing out the relationship and actually giving it a real chance.

Just remember, it's okay to validate her feelings.  If she's sad, you get what that feels like, so you can comfort someone that's sad.  However, you don't validate her facts when it's not reality.  Just stick to feelings and you'll have a lot less resistance.

Thank you both so very much.  This is incredibly helpful as I prepare for tonight. You saved me from walking in with the wrong list, even though my intentions are the same. I've tweaked it all with your solid advice, Pook075. ForeverDad, you're right she has had many failed relationships, with people who were all "mean" or stopped loving her.

I'm at a point where I feel working together in therapy is the only way, so I agree that framing it as the therapist being there only to guide us as we work through conflict and build trust is the right answer. I truly don't care about winning, so that's easy to say. And I do care about her, so that's easy as well.

Likely your GF has had previous relationships, all of which are probably described as terrible people.  That's how failed relationships are typically seen in an acting-out disordered person's perceptions.  Yet those others likely realized she was dysfunctional and ended it.

Yet you stayed - probably for longer than most have - and it is failing too.  Just because you're one of the Nice Guys and Nice Gals doesn't guarantee a successful relationship.  It takes two people working together to find success.  If you're pulling and she's pushing, it can't become a success.

It sounds like you're expecting a divorce to happen?  However, waiting for her to do something next, to actually divorce you, not just disparage and reject you, is not a strategy.  Yes, she's unhappy (and worse) over so many things about you but ponder that over the years she has never actually gone so far as to end the marriage.  She evidently is comfortable having someone to vilify and to argue with.  That's an unbelievable comfort zone.  But that's not you.

If she were file, can you expect what all the vitriol and false insinuations and allegations it might contain, seeking to get all assets, claiming you should get all the debts, etc?

Wouldn't it be best to get a decent and realistic paperwork filed first?  Sure, she would respond and file her version of reality but at least you would have laid the groundwork.  Fortunately, there are no custody and parenting complications.  Your spouse would try to deflect it into sour grapes and still claim extensive emotional whatever.  But the fact is the divorce should essentially just be simple... dividing assets, debts and various jointly owned items.

A surprising aspect is that you two already have separate residences.  That removes the risk that one of you would have to seek a protection order to force an eviction of the other.

As for items left at her place, ask the police for an escort to reclaim your personal items.  It called a peace or civil standby (?) where an officer of the court is present to ensure an incident doesn't occur.

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Sure, keep your part of the dialogue focused on you.  "I want....I need...I feel...I think..."  That's less likely to spiral than if you say, "You always....you act like....you need to stop...etc".   

For example, "You need to be nicer to me" or "You're always arguing over the dumbest things" could be said as "I feel like everything I do upsets you lately."  The first will probably start a fight, the second will definitely start a fight, but the third isn't assigning blame and is a much safer choice.

If she becomes hostile or starts yelling, my go-to with the BPDs in my life is to say, "I care about you and I don't want to argue."  I ALWAYS lead with that.  'I love you/care about you AND...."  When you say, "I care about you BUT...", they somehow only focus on what comes after 'but'.  I think it's because their brain is seeking doom and gloom, so that's what they find.

If they keep trying to argue, I repeat my go-to and add a little more.  "I care about you and I don't want to argue, so I'm going to get off the phone for a bit.  I'll call you back in 30-40 minutes."  See the pattern?  I...I...I...I.  It also sets a boundary in a kind way.

Couples therapy can help, but you have to go into it with the right objectives and goals.  If it's to win an argument, then you'll lose every time.  If it's to get the therapist to take your side and tell her that she's being unreasonable, then you also lose no matter what.  Because if he does tell her she's being unreasonable, then she'll likely feel like she's being ganged up on and never return.

However, if the goal is to actually work through conflict and build trust, there can be positive outcomes.  Again though, you have to stop arguing and make it clear that you're not interested in that.

Question- is there a mutual friend you could ask to grab what you need?  Or even a relative on her side that you get along with?  That would allow you to avoid direct contact and still move quickly.

Like you said, the priority is finding somewhere to live so you can get back to work.  It sounds like getting your stuff back (in another state) will be complicated, so maybe it doesn't have to be a priority.  I agree with you though that getting it over with would feel like an accomplishment!  My worry would be things disappearing.

There's no set rule to reach out or remain no-contact...each situation varies depending on the person.  There's no telling how she might react if you do reach out, so it's hard to give advice there.

I wanted to add: the bottom line is, you're not happy in the marriage, and you've identified why.  You tried to make it work, and you don't owe her anything more than that. 

You can simply leave; you don't need any further justification of that.

I feel like I just gave this advice in another thread.  It's helpful to write things down, or save screenshots or emails, or some hard evidence of past fights so you can "hold on to those feelings" and remember how miserable she made you.  That helps you stay the course.  Look back on those times when things were bad and you were telling yourself "All I want is to be out of this, and be done with this."  That's what you need to remember. 

And when you're out and working on healing, you don't need to do that anymore; you can truly just move on.  But when you're still in this gray area, with your perception of the world still warped by the pwBPD & the way they intentionally mislead you and deny your own experience to suit their interests, it's helpful to hold on to what you know & felt. 

I do think the effect of being in a relationship with a pwBPD - and a marriage no less - does do some deep harm to our worldview and ability to perceive things.  I remember having a lot of ups and downs the week I was moving out and filing for divorce, but then we had a child together and what really tore me up was the feeling of leaving her, not my soon-to-be-ex-wife.  Earlier in our marriage though, I had a lot of the same feelings and would second guess myself like you were.  I think by journaling and taking stock of how I felt, why I felt the way I did, and what I could and should do, it helped me move through it in the end without having any second thoughts. 

Thank you so much. I'm thankful to find this community but sorry your story is similar to mine. What really gets me is that I've allowed myself to stay in this situation so long even though the cycle repeats. I grew up pretty normally and never fought with anyone. Her yelling just froze me the first time and I started to leave then, but her tears and what seemed like remorse pulled me back in. At this point, it feels like she's exploiting my kindness and love for her.

I've asked for couples therapy, and she's always declined. Now I'm reading that it doesn't work with them anyway.

I've said I need her to be nicer to me. How sad is that, to have to ask your partner?

Biggest fight yet just happened to be all in writing, which opened my eyes to just how mean she is and how she spiraled from one thing to everything without taking any accountability herself.

After some (very peaceful) time apart, she now wants to talk by phone. I'm prepared to be as emotionless as possible to avoid arguing. I have my short list of talking points and a statement to use if I need to step away. Any other advice?