Hi there,

I'm sorry you're having to handle so much change in a short time.  The rupture of a long-term relationship/marriage, moving homes/housing instability and unemployment are really stressful.  Any one of those events is a top-ten life stressor.  Dealing with them all at once is really, really tough.

I'm glad you're taking a little time to get your head straight.  Clearly you're overwhelmed by all this.  I think it would be a good idea to try to regain some sense of calm before plotting your next move.  Baby steps.  You don't have to figure out your entire life right now, just focus on the next few days or weeks.  One thing at a time.

As for what your ex wrote, that sounds an awful lot like BPD.  PwBPD tend to see things in terms of all black or all white.  In his mind, you probably went from the best person in the world to the most horrible person in the universe.  He's wanting to jump into a new relationship again, probably to find that favorite person again.  That he's not reflecting, not comfortable being with himself, not taking some time to recover from a ruptured relationship, but instead rushing towards the next shiny thing--it sounds impulsive, black-and-white to me.  It's as if he has to find someone else to make him happy, instead of finding happiness within himself.  It's like he has to make you a villian in order to make himself feel better.  In other words, BPD.  Though it's really tough, try not to take it too personally.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about violating you're former partner's privacy.  He's not your partner anymore, and he doesn't have to know about it.

Hi all,

As always, thanks for all the support I am receiving from the members of this board. I have a few updates since my last post.

I have contacted a different therapist, one specialised in cognitive-behavioural therapy. There is a waiting list, but I am eager to start.

I have accepted my friend's offer to stay longer at her place (at least until I find some stability). It is hard, as I feel extremely depleted and unable to focus on finding a better job. Two days ago, I packed and moved all my stuff away from the apartment my BPD/NPD husband and I used to share.

Something happened. Although I am a bit reluctant to share, I think it is better to just be open about it. I am not proud of this. While packing my stuff, I came across a journal he had started to write since my departure. I know it's not ethical, and I hope to explore this further once I start therapy...but I read it. What I found was way beyond what I could imagine. He referred to me as 'the burden he had to carry for 12 years'. He wrote that he didn't even know why he married me and stayed in the relationship for so long, as there is nothing good about me and I am an abuser. He wrote that he is looking forward to having sex with other people, falling in love again, moving to this new place, and finally being allowed to follow his dreams and ideals.

I was in shock and could do little more than cry and hyperventilate the whole day (luckily, I had taken a day off to focus on moving). How could he truly feel this way? Have I loved someone who has never loved me, who has never even been sure about why he asked me to marry him? Has all been a very long lie? I have my flaws, but god...'nothing good about me', for real?

I have spent the last weeks talking about this divorce, expressing my grief, my pain, the fact that I didn't want the divorce and that, even though his behaviour had taken a huge toll on my life, I still care, and I am even worried for him. I am heartbroken, but I thought I could at least cling to the idea that the love we shared was real, independently of the end of the marriage. Knowing that all this time all he could feel was happiness and relief to have me out of his life just...hurts like hell. I feel like I have lived in a different reality, and I cannot trust my own perceptions and feelings.

I know I have to make an effort, glue together what remains of my life, ask for help and go on, but it is such a devastating thing to know.   

Thank you! I appreciate your perspective on this and I think you might be right. It’s hard to put yourself into the other persons shoes sometimes. I’ll keep any conversation light and short moving foreward and leave it up to her.

These are all really good points, and I think should almost be stickied, or printed out and handed to everyone getting out of a relationship with a BPDer if they're still questioning what they could have done to make things better, and whether they should reach out again.

I like the part I bolded above the most though, because that really hammers home that the dysfunction has nothing to do with the non-disordered partner, and would be occurring with someone else if they were not there.  All you can really do is not engage at all and move on. 

It made me think of the quote from the computer at the end of the movie War Games sometimes...

Hello and welcome back!  So many here can relate and have been down that same path.

All I can say is that two months is not long in the grand scheme of things.  You will feel very different a month from now, a year from now.  And it sounds like your ex is being honest- he knows he's not stable and not good for you.  Listen to him.

You posted in the bettering forum, so let's talk about the best way to "better" this relationship.  Truthfully, you're already doing it, you're getting through day by day and figuring out how to stand on your own two feet as an independent woman.  That's incredibly hard, I was still heartbroken at two months and would have done anything to save the relationship.  I did all the stuff, I changed my life for the better, but it wasn't enough.

Here's the thing though- going through that process, it wasn't about "winning her back", even though I thought it was at the time.  Instead, it was about finding myself once again and breaking that co-dependent bond that had me rushing back into a toxic relationship.  I healed and found my path forward...that's the big win in all of this.  The relationship was secondary.

For this to work, both of you have to make real changes.  You only control half of that equation though, you control you.  What he does is completely up to him and again, at least he's being honest with you and himself.  He can't break the familiar patterns  right now.

Take this time to work on you, to get in a better headspace and reclaim your life.  It's awesome you're a new homeowner- congrats!  That's a great place to sink your energy into with home improvements, landscaping, etc.  Make that home your own and give it all of your energy for now.  Then start hosting and enjoying it...that will get you through this.

This might be a time and place in your life to pause and assess which direction your life ought to take.  Yes, you have a deep desire to try yet again but then you also know there is a pattern building here.  Will there be yet more devastating breakups in the future if you two mend fences again?

If your BF is not seriously dealing with his mental health and is allowing that to harm the bond between you, then that realization may help you decide.  You can't make him take his therapy more seriously.  Is this a time to listen to your brain for now and give yourself time for your heart to catch up?

Our integrity is precious and much too rare. "Until I die, I will not renounce my integrity!" - Job 27:5

"Be wise, my son, and make my heart rejoice, So that I can make a reply to him who taunts me." - Proverbs 27:11

Indeed.  I think I had a touch of PTSD from the emergency phone calls too.  For a few years, I'd really tense up any time the phone rang at night (when the pwBPD in my life would tend to call with the emergency du jour).  The mere fact of being "primed" for tension at the sound of the phone probably doesn't bode well for the conversation.

If you haven't realized by now, you should know that you are not to blame for all your daughter's problems, no matter how much she trys to convince you that you're the bad guy.  That's classic BPD--blaming everyone else for her problems.  When it comes to adult BPD children, I think that the chief object of blame tends to be the same-sex parent.

Have you noticed that your daughter has a victim mindset?  Does she see herself as the victim of endless traumas?  Does she twist facts into a convoluted victim narrative?  That's her maladjusted way of coping with her general negativity and emotional overwhelm.  She feels upset, inferior, confused, tired, aggrieved, treated unfairly, ashamed, entitled, impatient.  She thinks everyone else has it so easy, and she's insanely jealous.  Meanwhile she wants all sorts of adult privileges and freedoms, but she doesn't want any of the associated responsibilities or work to earn them.  When she's dealing with these negative feelings, she'll reach out to you, probably to give them outlet and blame you in the process.  Does that sound about right?  I've written here many times that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter feeling helpless and powerless over her life.  How miserable that must make her feel.

I think that when your daughter called you, she was upset about starting the IOP.  She probably didn't want to do it, because she'd rather do something else, even if it's just lying in bed and watching videos.  Or she was scared, intimidated, a little confused about the process, uncertain about what she was facing, how it would be paid for, the rules she'd have to follow even though she didn't want to.  Maybe she was just tired--the notion of getting up early, packing up and finding her way to the center was overwhelming.  Whatever the reason, she calls you, she becomes semi-unhinged, and she stirs up drama, possibly picking a fight.  Why?  My guess is she does that so she can find a reason to blame YOU, to hate YOU.  She talked about "cancelling" the IOP.  My guess is that your daughter is looking for an excuse to quit, and to blame it on you, even though she knows she ought complete the program.  Deep down she knows she's a quitter, and so she's really conflicted.  This induces in her feelings of shame, failure, frustration.  Wanting to hate and blame you so much, it's basically code for how much she blames and hates herself.

If you want to know what's bugging your daughter, I think you listen for the feelings behind her rage/accusations/insults/objections.  She's ruminating so much about these things that when she's upset, they emerge as projections onto you.  If you understand that, it might be easier for you not to take her verbal assaults so personally.

How do you support your daughter these days?  I think you try to be as calm as possible, while projecting cautious optimism.  Look, when my pwBPD was getting intensive treatment, I think she warmed to the notion of getting professional help.  Subtle messaging like, "It's great you're taking care of yourself," or "It looks like you picked an excellent program," or "They are professionals, they know how to help," or "I'm proud you're prioritizing your health right now, that's really mature of you." You might add, "This must be hard for you, but it's just temporary," or maybe, "I imagine you'd rather be doing something else, but working on yourself is a priority right now, everything else can wait."  Or maybe, "Doctors help people overcome trauma all the time, they know how to help."  If she tries to dredge up the negative past, you refocus on the present:  "The important thing right now is that you're getting some help to deal with all this."  If she's overwhelmed by the future, you might say, "Let's focus on right now, just the next few weeks, and you'll figure the rest out later."

I think the upside of the IOP is that you are relieved from "fixing" your daughter's problems.  Let the therapists / doctors take on that role . . . they have the benefit of no prior emotional baggage.  Since they are "professionals," there's a chance that your daughter will listen to them.  I think what you try to do is gently nudge your daughter to comply.  In other words, you are her ally in following doctors' orders.  In my opinion that's the short-term focus. 

Yes, it all makes sense.  She did call me this morning in a panic state, and I broke my rule and answered the phone on the first call.  It did not go well and she started freaking out on me.  Then she called me back and told me she had to "cancel everything" because she couldn't make it to her first day of her IOP.  I asked her if that meant she wasn't going to do the program and she got very angry, said, "EXCUSE ME? Whatever." And hung up on me.  She has since texted me to clarify that she is simply delaying it by a day, but "cancel everything" didn't sound like delaying her start date by a day.  I have been assaulted by her words and accusations for so long that I truly have PTSD from all the emergency phone calls, where I somehow end up the bad guy.

The IOP was definitely her choice and for now her boyfriend is supporting her for the most part.  We will see what happens.

What makes this extra difficult for me is that I grew up with a BPD sister and possibly a BPD mother (definitely narcissistic, but possibly BPD also), and so I've been receiving the messaging that I'm to blame from both sides (family of origin and daughter).  I eventually chose to walk away from the mom/sister double-whammy in my 40's, but I won't walk away from my daughter.  So I have to get strong with my messaging of and about myself.  I've mostly done this, but my daughter can definitely trigger some old, deep wounds.

And thank you for the incredibly thoughtful response.  I am going to digest all of this for a bit. 

It certainly does get easier over time, because the patterns become much clearer.  She yelled at you because she's sick.  So what?  Let her yell as you say goodbye and wish her a great day.

I would literally "kill my ex with kindness" and I think that bothered her more than anything.  Several times she asked why I wasn't fighting back and I simply said, "Because I love you and there's no reason to argue."  It rocked her entire reality- why is this hateful, abusive man so nice to me all the time?  Huh, maybe he's not an abusive, hateful man after all.

It will continue to get easier as the FOG fades.  You should be proud of yourself because you've been doing great.