I'm not sure if anybody else experience is this post break up. I'm having two sets of intrusive memories that are happening about the relationship.

The first set of memories are the run-of-the-mill negative memories that come when I see an object, or a smell, or anything that triggers a memory of something traumatic.

The second set of memories are the positive ones. If I'm being honest, and I don't know if anyone else experienced this at all, these are much more bothersome. When I think about a year ago to a good day or even back to the beginning of the relationship, I get this very haunted feeling. Haunted is the only word I can use to describe it. It's almost ethereal. In some ways, I can say it's the memory of her in those moments, almost like she is a ghost...of course that seems fairly straightforward because in a lot of ways the person she was is a ghost/gone currently.

I think in some other ways, it's the fact that those memories just don't make sense in the grand scheme of things. It's like, there's no way those good times should've happened or could've been genuine with the way things were otherwise. And my brain is just haunted by the lack of sense of it all? In some other ways, it feels like the ghost of her in those good moments is going to haunt my mind forever. I think that's the worst feeling.

I want this to pass so badly.

For now, silence is the best option.  Why?  No matter what you say, she's going to think about it 100 different ways while she's highly diordered.  It won't work in your favor.

You can reply to her messages, you can tell her that you care, and you can be supportive.  Just don't push things right now and let her go through this process.  Maybe she will decide to get help.  Maybe not.  But it's not your job to fix this right now.

I dunno if saying she needs to find legitimate help is going to cause
More problems. I want our family back but she needs to “get better” I’ve offered my full support but is saying this needs to happen going to cause more a divide.

I am hardly messaging her and tying to keep the narrative of please have a thin. I’ve made it clear there’s no rush and maybe take time to let this situation pass. I dunno, but everything I here is silence really is the best option

I understand and there's no need to apologize for being ambivalent. Many have felt the same way as you do. I tend to post when it involves the kids- I'm the adult child of this kind of relationship. I commend you for considering them and also understand that the adults need to work this situation out for themselves.

I understand that and I am sorry for coming across a bit confused. I have to let this run its natural course. My only certainty is when the kids are told that has to be the stopping point

Thank you.  Both of these replies feel right on point to me.  I'm grieving a loss and I'm stressed.  I have been trying to take good care of myself but can definitely do better.  I think the other pieces I really need to add are forgiving myself for being in the state I'm in and knowing that "this too shall piece."

Open to any other advice too!

I agree that if you aren't certain about the finality of the relationship, to not put the kids through the push pull/on/off dynamic. I thought from your first post that you were. The intent was to reassure you that you made a logical decision for the well being of you and the kids, if this was the situation and you had reservations about continuing.

If you two are on a temporary break and you are considering working it out, that is a different situation.

You, yourself, may be ambivalent and pivoting between the two considerations and that is where you are at now. No judgement on that, but again, I agree with not bringing the kids into this, rather letting them know she couldn't make it this time rather than it's off.

Hi Wantmore,

I don't know.  Sometimes I feel depressed and cranky for no apparent reason.  (I don't usually feel useless, but that probably doesn't matter).  However, I think that sometimes feeling depressed and cranky is basically a physical and emotional manifestation of stress.  More often than not, it's when I'm battling minor physical ailments, like a persistent cold, a hurt limb, itchy skin, headaches from an outdated contact lens prescription, carpal tunnel after too much time on the computer.  These ailments might make it hard for me to get a good night's rest.  Add to that some work stress, familial dysfunction or bad news, and BAM!, I feel especially testy.  It's in these periods that I double down on healthy habits:  eating right, getting regular exercise, getting sleep.  The crankier I feel, the more I focus on healthy habits, and I try to ease up on my schedule.  I'll try to unwind with gentle stretching, a walk in the sunshine, a bath or reading an easy book.  I also try to put something enjoyable in my calendar:  a weekend away, a day at the beach, a date at the movies, whatever.  Just having something fun to look forward to can brighten my spirits.

I know, this response isn't directly about BPD, but I've lived with BPD dysfunction in my life for long enough to know that it can be really stressful.  The misplaced rage, the sabotaging, the anger, the accusations, the financial burden . . . we're not wired to be constantly attacked, on edge or fearful about the next blow-up.  I think the constant, low-level stress can really wear you down.  That's why here we emphasize self-care so much.

Also, I've noticed that it can take time to recover from big changes.  A sickness in the family, the rupture of an important relationship, a change like moving out of town, a new job, a birth in the family--it takes time to adjust.  Give yourself some grace, try not to beat yourself up over not feeling like your normal self yet.

I hope you take care of yourself.

The poor thing is hurting and I am so proud of her. I’ve told her to just go away have a think. I’ll be here but my priority at the kids.

From her viewpoint, she feels betrayed, neglected, and insecure.  Maybe there's no reason for that, but she feels how she feels because she's mentally ill.  Her feelings are real and they cause her to make rash decisions (like this right now). 

She has done this her entire life in all close relationships, so it's not about you.  This is 100% about her own mind working against her and telling her to run before you leave her.  It's not rational, but it's how she thinks.

You can work through this if you choose that path.  But for now, she has to get over the mental hurdles that led her to the breakup in the first place.  If you push, it only gets worse because that confirms her initial panic.  So you have a great strategy- wait it out and see what happens.

For the kids though, I only meant that it might be beneficial to tell them today that it's over.  That's putting them on this rollercoaster of emotions with you and it might not even be necessary if you work things out in a few days.