That otherworldly look some have described here during rants may be an indication of dissociated states.  They may even later deny the incidents ever occurred but they must be aware of them at some level because they seem to learn how far they can push us in their ragefests.

Here are a couple of my older posts:

It was simple; not only was she not changing but she was getting worse and seemed to be nearing the stage of violence, though she never used it - mainly because I ended it before she ever might.

That final day, I really saw someone who was so out of touch with reality, with the jet-black demonic eye pupils which signified she was totally disconected from reality and was capable of saying and doing anything - maybe dangerously.  She said things she'd never said in her previous meltdowns and just seemed to have escalated massively.

I realised this is the person, the chaos and mental strain I'd have to deal with forever if I stayed. Fours years was enough for me to be able to say 'I've treated her great, loved her and went farther for her than I've done for any other person, but the price is too high'.

Never saw her again, though I later learned she came looking for me. Many years later I spoke with her sister in law who confirmed she hadn't changed one bit so I've never regretted my decision to end it. We all have a 'can't take no more' limit, it just depends how much and how long we endure.

Journaling helps.  Even if you're keeping your notes very general, a short sentence or comment of why a fight started can help you remember how you felt and why. 

I recall about a month or so before we finally got divorced, I was feeling like things were sort of getting better.  We had her mom living with us and helping take care of our daughter & clean the house (which just took fights over childcare & housekeeping off the table, but things were otherwise the same). 

I had been keeping a journal in my office at work.  I did this because she would insist we don't fight anymore than "other couples" and also that we hardly fought at all.  She would deny reality.  Well, I went back and looked at some of the things that happened that month, and saw despite it "getting better" in my head, we were still fighting and then having weeks of silent treatment in "good" months.  Yes, in a "good month" we would have only around 14 days blow-up fights and extended silent treatment for days.  Bad months it was more than 50%+, between 16-20 days in any given month.  There were no months without a blowout fight and at least a week of silent treatment.  Most months were "bad" months.

That's no way to live.  And that's even aside from taking care of your own needs, and the needs of your kids if you have them; you're spending all that time caretaking the pwBPD, just to minimize the conflict you'll have to deal with, and you're STILL miserable around half the time! 

Interestingly, once earlier in our marriage I said to her that we were fighting "too much" and when she denied it, I said I was keeping track, and it was more than she was admitting.  She got really paranoid about that and demanded I stop keeping track of our fights.  For months after that, she would demand to know if I was still keeping track of our fights and if I had stopped (I just lied and went along with it, because at this point, she wasn't being open and honest with me, and when I was open and honest with her, she treated me worse). 

Another thought: It's creepy how intentional their behavior can be sometimes. If you had to write out a how to guide on how to psychologically abuse and condition a human being, it would be similar to how pwBPD treat those closest to them: Isolate them from others;  beat them down mentally & emotionally; control the information they process and see; reward them sparingly (make a big deal about how great the reward is), but punish them severely. 

Stalin himself would nod approvingly at all this.

It's complicated.  For me, I had a gut feeling about a year and a half into our marriage that it was hopeless (I was married four more years after that though, or 5 1/2 years total); her behavior was just so angry, unhinged, and what I found most troubling, completely nonsensical.  Because I could not understand what her problem was, I had no idea what I could do to keep her happy.  I knew the best case scenario was a life of caretaking her emotional needs to minimize the fighting and screaming matches.  But I still did not know about BPD, and did not even know what it was. 

at that point, if you said to me "I have a magic wand you can wave and make your wife disappear, and you just raise your kid as a single dad" I would have done it.  But there was no magic wand and I received some lousy legal advice that a divorce would ruin me, so I decided to put forward a good faith effort to fix it.  We tried marital counseling, on and off over the next couple years.  She went to counseling, and then I went to counseling (without telling anyone) for a few visits to see if I was going crazy.  Her behavior was that awful to deal with. 

Around this time, I learned about BPD, and behavioral disorders in general, and as I read more about them and compared the symptoms to the things my wife did and said, I began to realize how hopeless it was.  From then on, it was only a matter of time before I pulled the plug. 

We nearly got divorced about a year after I learned about BPD (4 years into our marriage) after she threw out divorce as a threat and I was like "Okay, great, let's end this," but she begged me to call it off, and I did.  However, after that, I think she felt more secure in her belief that I would not leave no matter how awful she behaved toward me.  But I had in the meantime got better legal advice, and understood what the path ahead looked like if we divorced, e.g. what joint custody of our daughter would look like, how much I'd have to pay in child support, how our assets would be split, etc.  and was okay with it.  I made preparations for an end of it, and was ready to leave the next time we had a blowup fight.  That was more or less inevitable, and when it happened and she threw out the "we're getting divorced then" as an ultimatum because I refused to take responsibility for her behavior in starting that fight, I moved out, called my attorney, and filed for divorce.  I think she was honestly shocked it really happened.  Her behavior over the next couple weeks ranged from more threats and anger, to sadness, to begging me to reconsider... you could see the whole 5 stages of grief play out, but in random order. 


I don't think so.  To rebuild affection would first require her to atone for the things she did and said, and how she behaved for at least as long as she put me through them, and in a way that I could trust was genuine, not just an attempt to win me back because she felt like I was the best option for her. 

Basically that would require a pwBPD to not be BPD, and that's virtually impossible.  She would have to become a completely different person. 

Yes! Maintaining your boundaries is an act of love for yourself. Letting them down would accomplish nothing for your sister or your family but just hurt you. Family dynamics are so odd. My parents knew there was something wrong with my sister’s behavior but also shrank away from seeing it for what it was. And my mom wanted me to play that savior role that is actually impossible to play.

Hi Foolingmyself
There is one sentences you wrote that I think is very important:

She is not competent and has poor executive functioning. 

This is also the case for my DD. It makes all the difference in the world. Some young people with BPD are quite competent - therefore it is quite legitimate to set a boundary re getting a job, doing some study, attending appointments etc.

When there is poor executive functioning, the impulsivity of BPD is not restrained by reason - so the person is very much at the whim of their impulsivity. Similarly the need to avoid intense abandonment is so very strong - so when the opportunity to attach to a partner presents itself, there is no ability to balance that in the light of others' needs eg the needs of the child.

This is a huge factor in how to manage BPD. Things that will operate well for the executive functioning BPD, will not work for those with poor functioning.

You really know your DD very well and have clearly been able to observe and identify not only the BPD but these other factors as well.

When my DD was about 15 a paediatric psychiatrist spent a short time with her and identified that she would probably not be able to hold down a regular job etc. Things that proved to be true although for a long time I tried to help her to be able to do these 'normal' things.

It is good that you can sleep and that you are fairly peaceful in these circumstances. What the future holds is perhaps predictable - perhaps not. Whatever the case, this is the moment to breathe and appreciate your own life. Yes you can also be very proud of the effort you have put in to support and love your DD

What you're going through is so common here- everything feels like it's almost perfect, yet there's something missing.  And that's the small voice in the back of our brains reminding us of the good times, which might have been 10-20% of the entire relationship. 

All I'd say is, try to remember the other 80-90% as well.  The good times were good, but the bad times were equally bad and that took up most of the relationship.  It never balanced.

One thing that has helped me is the chant or affirmation that reality is more beautiful than memory or fiction. Exiting the fantasy relationship is hard though. Intermittent reinforcement and the high of cyclical crisis/resolution does something to your body. I have felt very detached and flat at times. I hope things get better for you and by the sounds of it/ the progress you are making, they will.

It would be great if our kids marriages were restored and were healthy.  My son and his ex do better separated. And still there is conflict.  They have tried couples counseling, individual counseling for short periods.  His ex has been living with another man for several years. My grandkids have places to be with each parent with less drama. When my granddaughter was little she begged to live with us. Sad but true.

I mean, is there any chance of him saving the marriage?  That's always the best case scenario but it start with him getting humble and winning her back.  Maybe it even leads to taking therapy seriously.

My BPD daughter is 27 and she's technically still married to a guy she rushed into at 20.  They made it two years and she's dated women ever since.  Part of me hopes that they could reconcile someday.