Hi there,

I totally get where you're coming from--just thinking about interacting with your pwBPD raises your anxiety level by an order of magnitude.  That suggests to me that maybe you need a little more time for no contact.  You could give yourself an excuse--you want to enjoy the summer, maybe the first one you've enjoyed in a long time.  If your sibling complains, there's your excuse:  you had a ton of fun this summer, and it flew by, you didn't realize how long it had been since you last spoke.

However, if you're determined to resume contact, my question is, do you need to rush into a one-on-one, live conversation?  Maybe you could start with something less intense--like a low-stakes text (Saw this and thought of you . . . hope you are well).  Maybe send a snapshot of a summer activity.  The hope is that she'll give it a thumbs up, and maybe share a similar picture herself.  I do that sort of thing with my siblings all the time--texting a snapshot of the beach, a weekend event, a critter in my yard--and they'll typically reply in a similar fashion.  How your sibling responds (in kind / with approval vs. a torrent of unrelated accusations and complaints vs. no response at all / blocking) will tell you if your sibling is ready for any sort of civil contact and reconciliation.  Think of it as dipping your toe into the water; if it's too cold, you can turn around and wait until it warms up a little, and then dip your toe in again.  How does that sound?

A relative who lives far away contacted my disordered sibling to see when we could meet and then when he came to town, we went to see my sibling together.

Is there any person who could contact your sister even though that person lives far away from her just to get a feel for how it might go if you contacted your sister?

I agree with the advice others have given for you personally to stay out of it, however, you could suggest a bit of advice to your daughter. 

Tell her mom that she either signs the title over to them, or they're going to have it towed, and your ex-would be stuck with the fees for impoundment and storage if she wants it back. 

Had a family member in a situation like this, where they were driving a car another family member loaned them, but that person was not responding to questions about the insurance and registration fees (the family member had offered to pay them since they were using the car, but just couldn't get a response).  They finally had to threaten to abandon the car on the freeway to stick them with the towing and impoundment fees, and then of course they got a response...

When faced with someone being difficult & unreasonable like this, I think you need to think of what leverage you have, and play hardball.  They won't like it, but as I've come to realize, if your ex is BPD, they're not going to appreciate any kind gestures, and will bad mouth you either way, so you might as well get the best deal you can in any interaction with them. 

Oh, Zachira!  That's such a good idea.  My sibling lives several hours away and does not accept that she has any issue.  I also can't think of anybody who could play that role. If you have any alternative thoughts, I would welcome.

I do like keeping in mind that this doesn't have to mean going back to full-strength contact.  I was thinking of just texting and saying I'd like to check in and asking her if there is a time that would work for her.  What do you think?

BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder impacting the perceptions and behaviors of the individual.  Their moods can morph in a moment.  I recall an evening when I came home from work and my then wife was sitting on the couch telling me about her day.  Well, as she was speaking, she remembered some upset during her day and her face transformed into another person and the evening went downhill from there.  I hadn't triggered her, she had done it herself.  (Life even back then wasn't smooth, one day I could got to work with her all calm and normal but then when I got home she was ranting and raging.  Another day it could be the reverse scenario.  I just couldn't predict whom I would meet when I came home.)

If she is dealing with BPD, she may be dealing with many of these issues her entire life, with recovery measured in "How much" and "management" terms.  Unfortunately, you can't do this for her, it has to be her wanting to fix, to whatever extent, herself.  One the other hand, you and the professionals can help guide her to a better life and perception of life.

Another point to remember that many with BPD can't easily listen to those with whom they have close emotional connections.  It isn't logical, but it can be triggering.  One comment I read years ago was that it is hard for a pwBPD to truly listen when there is so much past emotional baggage of the relationship.  It's as if there is so much to overcome.  One concept is to build or rebuild Trust whenever possible.

That's what those trained to deal with this disorder aim to do.  They don't try to become emotional friends, they aim for Trust.  The author of "Get Me Out of Here" by Rachel Reiland who described her journey toward recovery stated she never even once touched her therapist during all her sessions.  Only once, as they ended their last session did they have a hug.  Trust made a difference.

A measure of recovery is possible.  (Of course, how much depends on the individual's determination.)  "Mindfulness" is a term you'll come across as essential in therapy.  The individual needs to learn how to review past behaviors and assess them.

Reconnecting can still be low contact. How do you plan to do so? Having a third party make the initial contact and with you if you intend to see her in person, could be safer and less stressful. People with BPD tend to behave better with other people whom they are not so invested in projecting their overwhelming emotions on.

I have a disordered sibling. I have a relative who helped set up a visit and went with me. It made a world of difference.

This makes a lot of sense.  I think what I"m most afraid of is that she'll be angry and I'll get a million nasty texts, calls, emails.I'll lose it and won't be able to function -- and I have a job to do and people I don't want to worry about me.

And I'm afraid that she'll cry and be sad. 

What specifically are you anxious about?

I understand how you feel and I've been there, but still...try to answer the question.  This helped me get rid of the anxiety.

You might say, I'm worried about what my sibling might say or do.  I'm worried about what they might tell others.  I'm worried it will all be a disaster if I go through with this.

All valid points.  But not a single one of those things are within your control.  You can't prepare for them and you'll have to make a decision once you're there- do you try to work through it or leave? 

That's what you can control and what you can prepare for.  If it gets ugly, walk away.  Then it's not ugly anymore.  If your phone blows up, turn it off and go back to temporary no-contact.  Then that's not ugly anymore either.  Prepare for and focus on the parts that you can actually control.

Again, I completely understand since I spent too many years of my life doing the exact same thing.  Once I shifted my focus though and thought about what I'm actually in control of, how I'll handle things, it put the power back in my hands to accept or reject the abusive behavior.

I took some time for myself and now I’m getting ready to reconnect with my sibling (ubpd).  I can’t believe how my anxiety has shot up — and now it’s gotten into a darned if you do, darned if you don’t thing. I’m
Anxious whatever I think of doing. Thinking a lot about NotWendy’s analogy of fearing the bear in the cave. I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

HI!  Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in   my daughter was diagnosed 5 years ago....the quick version is, we went through a rough year (I sound nonchalant about it, but it has been so long); I researched BPD, went to NAMI, read the books she suggested (I DO agree "Walking On Eggshells" in helpful; I stayed her apartment, whenever, she asked, hid her pills & knives, like she asked...her moods would (as predicted) change like the wind....long story short, nearly 4 years ago, she told me I was enabling her (facetious comment:  doing the things she asked me to do) and stated she would "reach out when she is ready", over these 4 years, she would text whenever she needed something, or respond to (I learned to use very brief texts, i.e. Merry Christmas) or respond to gifts I mailed to her; as of this writing, she is not responding to any texts....I always feel like the "other shoe is going to drop", because 3 years ago, she stated "I did not try hard enough to contact her"; there have been so many hurtful things that have been said and accusations, that I would need to use this entire page!  She cut off ties with her father, sister & 4 beautiful nieces....at this time, I am just laying low, with the mindset, when or if she is ready she will reach out, though, I never, in a million years, imagined it would be THIS long....I miss my daughter very much, however, not the cruelty....I guess my only advice is: stay strong, never doubt yourself (b/c this is a nasty disease), I would research and patience is the key; and the others in this group are ROCK stars with amazing advice....please reach out, if you like!