My 35yr old has BPD, I think. She had my grandson 3 years ago. I was her person,helped her and took care of him. Than i wasn't. She split my family, no showed at Christmas and two days later slapped me with a restraining order claiming domestic violence.  She spent the next 9 months filing fraudulent restraining orders against me a d my husband to obtain housing vouchers. All of the restraining orders were thrown out. I have not seen her or my grandson for almost two years now. I'm heart broken, and struggling in ways I never thought possible. I did not mention the long 20 year history of suicide attempts,  rescuing her from different states which all came with some dramatic story. This last time was it for me, mentally I can't do it anymore.  Than my mother, my daughters enabler told me today that she planned to have my daughter around again and I would have to accept it. I feel like I will have to grieve my mother and move on because the wreckage is just to much. Not sure what to do but I like I'm going 10 steps back.

So I take it you don't have a custody order from the court, and have been winging it so far? 

I hope you've been documenting all this. 

One thing I did that worked out well in my favor was have the court designate a therapist, because I knew BPDxw would otherwise "shop around" until she found a therapist that she could control.  So what I did was have a good child psychologist my attorney knew vet a list of reputable therapists in our area - ones who were professional and would not be bullied by a parent.  Then we gave this list to BPDxw and let her choose.  That allowed her to feel "in control" enough to go along with it.

Now, sending our daughter to therapy had been her idea in the first place, but after a couple visits, once she saw that: 1) she could not bully the therapist, and 2) it would still cost her money/co-pays for visits, she sent me a message saying she thought therapy was a waste of time, and would not take her anymore. 

The default custody breakdown here works out to about 35%/65%, non-custodial/custodial split.  My issue is that BPDxw moved as far as she was able to under the terms of our divorce decree a few years ago.  Her property line is literally the county line.  She moved around the time the attempts at alienation got really bad, so I assume the goal of the move - or part of it - was to make it harder for me to see my daughter.  I think she expected I would just give up. 

So splits like a 2-2-3 would be really hard.  The drive from my house to her school is over 30 mins & 25 miles each way.  I'd have to hire someone to drive her home, or otherwise arrange with my work to be able to leave early a couple days a week to pick her up from school on those nights. 

I still have managed to see my daughter all my allotted time, and sucked it up and made those drives, but it hasn't been easy or pleasant.  I doubt if the situation was reversed, BPDxw would've made the same effort to see her (she seems to know that about her mom now). 

If I challenge to flip custody, I would likely need to end up with majority time.  Maybe even more, b/c like I said, I doubt very much BPDxw would make that same effort, driving distance wise. 

I have a pretty good argument; in addition to my daughter's wishes, the schools are much better where I live, and I don't have a record of police being called to my home for domestic disputes like she does...

 

I remember when I had picked up my son soon after I had filed for a custody change and he exclaimed, "I want the {current} equal parenting time."  Just simply out of the blue.  He was about 9 or 10 years old at the time.  I knew where that had come from.

Yes, he's been influenced by his mother's explosive demands.  But more than anything else - at least with me - he doesn't want to discuss the parental discord.  I don't think he has the temerity to tell that to his mother.


Do you have joint custody but mother has majority time?  Maybe you can start by suggesting equal time, such as with a 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5 two week) schedule, for the next couple years.  That is preferred through age 10 and into the pre-teen years.  One parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other gets Wed-Thu overnights and then the parents alternate Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.

My county got a new presiding judge and revised its parenting guideline documentation soon after my divorce. It updated the age related guidelines ("suggestions").

• Babies and toddlers - each parent gets frequent visitation
• Children through preteens - equal time
• Teenagers (grades 9-12) - home base with one parent

Don't discount the value of a (respected & qualified) less expensive Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or school documentation.  My ex had an assortment of antics over those early years and the school records (tardies, etc) and teacher testimony reflected that.  I even got the impression that the magistrate took more note of the schooling aspect than my own disparagement.  However, it took two full days of courtroom testimony.

My ex felt she must be the The Majority parent, so it took determination on my part to make improvements at the slow pace court preferred.  I guess a lot depends on how possessive of the children your ex is.

My answers in bold below.


So the best advice I received was from my daughter's therapist.  A couple times I expressed my frustration with how BPDxw was behaving, and my concern she was attempting to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.  He would not allow me to vent, or take my side, or anything like that, but he was just say that if what I described was happening, it would eventually lead my daughter to not trust her mom.  He was right, even though in the immediate time, this didn't seem to address the urgency I felt.  But he was right. 

Basically he said that kids are smart, and earlier than we give them credit for they're making up their own minds about the world and how things are.  And if one parent is trying to influence their perception and going against what they see with their own eyes, it's going to cause a loss of trust.   

Be there to validate your kid(s)' feelings and help them understand things, but don't bad mouth the other parent, and don't force your kids to get in between your fights; don't drag them into it.

I'll relate some of my own experience below:
About a year after I separated, I got a message from BPDxw that said parental alienation is wrong, and I shouldn't try to do it to our daughter.  Well... I knew her well enough by that point to know that if she was accusing me of doing something, it was because she herself was doing it.

Sure enough I noticed around this time that when I'd pick my daughter up for weekends, I'd notice she'd say random phrases like "I just don't know how a man could just leave his family like that."  I'd ask what she meant, and she'd say "mama keeps saying that."  And then she would say things like she didn't like coming to my house.  I asked why, and she said "You don't make me good food."  I asked what she ate at her mom's house, and it was, sure enough(!), the same things I was making for her.  When I pointed this out, she said she didn't know that.

Then she said one time "Someday I'll be able to choose and I won't have to go to your house anymore!"  I asked why she thought that, and she said "because you didn't want to be a dad and left"... when I said that wasn't true, and I stayed close by because I wanted to see her and would always be her dad, she said "Now I don't know who to believe." Remembering what the therapist said, I responded, "You don't have to believe anyone, you can see who's doing what and decide for yourself."

Like you said above, I would not dwell on these events with her though.  My goal was to give her a safe, loving home, and have fun with her when we were together, and let her be a kid. I think this worked. 

Another time, my daughter asked me "Is grandma a witch?"  Now, I knew where this was coming from... during our marriage, BPDxw had made my mom out to be this villain (the amount of insane things she said and did to try to isolate me from my parents and family could be a whole thread on its own, so I won't digress here).  But remembering the advice I received asked "Why do you think that?"  Sure enough she said "Mama said grandma's a witch."  I asked her if she thought that was true, and she said "No," and then I said it was okay for her to love her grandma; she had her own relationship with her, and her mom had her own opinions and it was okay to not agree with them.  She nodded, and that was the last I ever heard about that (7 years ago). 

More recently, she mentioned her mom and her BF were always fighting in the house, and when I was like "Yeah, that sounds like your mom!"  She asked me why we got divorced, and I could see she wanted my opinion, and wanted to hear it all directly.  I told her everything.  A couple times she'd note that her mom still did this or that all the time.  I think I spoke for about 1/2 hour, and after that she seemed really happy.  I felt like she had figured a lot of this out, but wasn't sure, and when I confirmed her suspicions about her mom, she felt relieved. 

My daughter's almost a teenager now, so I feel like I weathered the storm.  She's started saying she wants to live at my house most of the time, and so we might have to do that in the next couple years, although... I don't know how it's going to go down.  I saw an attorney, and she ballparked the cost of a full trial to flip custody, including a custody evaluation, at close to $60,000-$70,000.  Yikes.  At that rate, I might just see if we could agree to flip custody, but I keep paying her child support. 

It's never easy when you're coparenting with a pwBPD, but it does end.  I'm down to single-digit years before my kid's 18, and then it's over. 

Nothing you can do will make a difference for a pwBPD.  The issue is in their head.

I do wonder if society will be able to understand this, or the concept of behavioral disorders better, in time.

The examples of people actually getting help for - and changing themselves to fix - a behavioral disorder are vanishingly slim.

I was thinking of a description someone said online about a pwBPD, in that they described them as an "overgrown toddler" and I think that is apt in a lot of respects.  It's almost as though they failed to mature emotionally as an adult should, and one wonders if they ever can.  It's like language development: if, for whatever reason, kids fail to learn to speak, after a certain age, they never really can as their brain develops differently.  It's like missing a turn, except you can't go back and take it.

One way to deal with it is to not expose yourself to the rages.  Of course, you can't always sense when they're about to start, but once they do then you can try to exit to give them time to calm down and reset.  Can you find a way to go to another room or exit without angering them more?

This is related to Boundaries which appear as a couple of topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.  There are other communication skills discussed there.  Some approaches such as JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) don't work well at all during an emotional ragefest since the other isn't usually responsive to logic.  Better skillsets are BIFF, SET, DEARMAN, etc.

PwBPD traits come in all varieties and intensities.  No doubt some are more responsive than others.  Those are the ones evidently who are willing to start and persist with the DBT sessions.  It obviously is evident too that here we seem to get a large number here of those who are resistant to improving themselves.  There are lots of lurkers and some who post briefly then disappear, so for those too we don't know their outcomes either.  What the overall proportions are, well, does it matter?  We deal with what is before us.

I think this is an important insight, and I came to a very similar conclusion myself.  On the one hand, I see it as a product of the victim mindset.  Several times I've posted here that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless.  She views life as something happening TO her.  She thinks that others are abusing her and are the cause of her turmoil.  It's a sort of learned helplessness which keeps her stuck.  She lacks agency and purpose.  She's basically just surviving, killing time.

On the other hand, I see a fundamental identity confusion.  You mention "borrowing" an identity, and I've seen that happen with the pwBPD in my life.  I think that deep down, she is genuinely confused about who she is.  She doesn't really know what she wants, what she likes, what her hobbies are, what sort of life she wants to make for herself, let alone how to go about making things happen.  Without a clear view of who she is, she's listless, directionless, goalless.  Without the rigid structure and routines of grade school and high school imposed upon her, she became lost in college.  She doesn't really have a "vision" for her life, except for unrealistic expectations for others to give her things and over-function for her.  Maybe she'll glom onto something for a while if it seems fun--she'll declare herself an "influencer" or a "model"--but when she's not "discovered" right away, she gets frustrated.  A core issue for her is unrealistic expectations, by the way . . . maybe related to black-and-white thinking, for example that influencers have an easy life and became millionnaires overnight.

One time I sat with the pwBPD in my life and suggested she complete a questionnaire that is supposed to match talents and interests to potential jobs.  I said something like, "Just for fun, let's complete this survey to see what pops up.  It's anonymous and there are no right or wrong answers, just answer the first thing that comes to mind."  The questions were generic, like, Do you enjoy spending time outdoors?  Do you like making things with your hands?  Do you enjoy drawing? . . . and what was striking to me was that she seemed to have no clue.  I practically had to coach her about her likes ("What do you mean you don't like drawing?  You created an amazing painting for your room, I'd say that means you like drawing.  Are you sure you like speaking in front of a crowd?  You've told me many times that calling a stranger on the phone makes you anxious.")  It was almost scary to me that she seemed so confused about her likes and dislikes . . . and maybe identity confusion is central to BPD.  I mean, it must be terribly confusing to doubt who you are when it comes time to pick a major, pursue a career, decide where to live, pursue a relationship with a romantic partner . . . wracked with self-doubt, she must be wondering all the time what she wants to do . . . and that would be paralyzing, no?

And yet, eventually she settles on the identity of VICTIM.  She likes that one, because it explains how she feels constantly abused and bullied by life.  It's also a convenient excuse (How can I possibly function at work if I have PTSD from my abusive family . . . they messed me up, they OWE me).  She re-writes her entire life history to fit her victim narrative.  Then it's OK to treat people poorly, because she feels they deserve "punishment" for making her feel bad.  And since she typically has one or two enablers in her life (i.e. fearful parents), she gets away with it.  In fact, she embraces it, because the victim identity gets her all sorts of concessions and things she wants--money, housing, transportation, etc.  Does that sound about right?

Then I start to feel sorry for her, because I feel like my personality is the complete opposite.  I feel like I know exactly what I want, even if it's unconventional.  I'm generally optimistic--and I bet on myself all the time.  By that I mean, I set a goal and I pursue it with unwavering self-belief, and I'll invest time and resources to make it happen.  A small example of this is learning a new language . . . I've studied a little bit each day for around three years now.  Other examples are starting a business, moving abroad, pursuing challenging career goals, etc., all which take vision, patience and perseverance.  Anyway, my point is, all this arises out of deep-seated internal motivation, and I pull from that resource all the time to persevere when things get tough (which always happens).  But if a pwBPD doesn't have that vision and deep-seated motivation, then what sort of life will they create for themselves?  I guess a chaotic and not very fulfilling one.  And maybe since they don't have a vision, they're just focussed on getting through, day to day.  It's about surviving, not really thriving.  Make sense?

Congratulations on taking care of yourself! My mother with BPD had episodes of rage. I learned the hard way there was nothing I could do to prevent the episodes or to calm her down except get out of the way.