It's not even about wanting to do that- it would compromise your own retirement and nest egg if you did.

Consider that your son has about 20-25 more "working" years ahead of him. If he spends all his money and gets into trouble- he can financially recover, if he chooses to, even if it's a challenge.

I understand your empathy for anyone with BPD. It's very difficult for the person and I understand wanting to help. What I do know, from seeing my parents, is that money doesn't solve the BPD issues. My father wanted to ease my BPD mother's situation, and yet, she still had BPD. I saw that emotional pain in her-but she had all her material needs met and even more- and that didn't solve her BPD.

Your losing your financial security won't solve your son's BPD either. I hope you will find the stregnth to protect yourself, even if your son reacts in anger.

Zachira - I will investigate MI - thanks for suggesting it

Notwendy - yes lots of trauma and drama in my childhood.  You gave me something new to consider about my Mom. She had it rough with 4 young kids and a mentally ill husband. She did enable, she also fought with his disease and she didn't protect me. I get she need to breathe and function in the middle of ot all.

CC43 - I'm 71 and receive a small social security as I was self employed until I was 40. I don't have a large resource to draw from and honestly I don't want to anymore.  Easier said than done. I do love your reminder to "slow walk". It is also true my son needs me to be calm and strong.- that will help us both.
Also, I'm sorry you're still dealing with the unexpected struggles this illness creates. Your husband finds much strength and clarity from you, I'm sure. I recently had my husband read about what it's like for a person with bpd. In the past he didn't understand  or want to try. Though he's clear and strong that my son is the one who needs to figure out his life on his own, I saw my husband's expression look very pained and saddened when he read it. We love our people, and want the best but have no control. 

I am hoping to get some guidance

I am a single dad and have raised my 3 kids alone. Their mother has BPD and has had a toxic relationship with my kids for years. My daughter in particular struggled with her and I had full custody and they chose not to see her for years and at best it was episodic.   My daughter seemed to be doing ok and was pretty happy. At 16 she began cutting herself pretty severely. As I found out later she was confiding that to her mother. presumably to establish a relationship or sympathy.  I had to take her to a clinic in Houston per her desire and her therapist recommendation. She went for 3 weeks and literally turned on me shortly after I admitted her.  I decided to let he live with her mom because in all honesty that is what she told me she wanted and I thought it would last about 2 days. It didn't.

She has since dropped out of school and now she is 19 so I can't do anything anymore. What surprises me is that she has zero accurate memory of what actually happened.  We were so close and I did what I thought she needed and what her therapist told me to do. They moved to California. My ex has not spoken to my oldest son in 8 years and has abandoned my youngest son, In spite of that, they are great. I am sure my daughter has BPD as well. What I don't understand is why she has turned this thing into my fault and hates me. She never has had a real friend group consistently and perhaps I should have known there was something deeper. But I have always had her in therapy and as I said I thought she was doing ok in spite of the challenges she had with her mom.

She has now resorted to just trying to hurt me and obviously I am already heart broken.  I did everything for her and was there for everything in her life when her mom was in a different city living her own life. Now it appears they are best friends and it's toxic. Her behavior is a mirror image of her mom

Why try to hurt me and why take it out on me. I know she may never come back and that has almost killed me but it didn't. Now to be honest I am not sure if I want her back. My last text to her was to set boundaries and tell her I am always her. Her response was a text of her in an inappropriate outfit with 2 men all over her

What did I do wrong

You also can think of yourself. I know someone who is an enabler and can not say "no" to her daughter.  I don't think she has BPD- but I  think she may have some NPD tendencies. The daughter is in her 40's now, employed, and earns a decent living but continuously lives above her means and then her mother bails her out.

It may have been more possible for the mother to do this when she was employed but now she is retired. She is also getting older and could use some help at home, but her nest egg is smaller, due to giving the daughter money.

While we kids didn't go without our needs being met, I saw the stress my father was under over finances and BPD mother continued to spend. He was the wage earner in the family. Later, when she was spending her own nest egg too fast, she also didn't seem to have any sense of restraint, even if it was potentially harming her.

So, not only is giving your son money possibly not really helping, it's also not good for you and your H. I can also understand your H's being concerned about you giving your son money. It's the nest egg for both of you.

Hi again,

Sadly, I've been in a very similar situation, but probably from the standpoint which your husband is in now.  Surely the emotional bonds are weaker when dealing with a stepchild than a biological child.  Nevertheless, I've had to live through the aftermath of multiple suicide attempts, at least four, possibly five.  And yes, my husband and I have paid, paid, paid for therapy, hospital stays, DBT programs, etc., on top of wasting four years of college tuition and housing.  Sadly, none of that did much good, except for prolong the agony.  In hindsight, I think some of our efforts and rescues might have increased harm.  How?  By "setting up" my dear stepdaughter to fail.  We were functioning FOR her, in the hopes that she'd stabilize and get better.  But, at the end of the day, WE wanted it more than she did.  And that is a recipe for disaster.  When we went above and beyond, to help her get a "new start," or set her up in a "new living situation," she'd stabilize for a few weeks, but invaribly crash.  Why?  Because she wasn't the one making her life happen, WE were.  She didn't take responsibility and OWNERSHIP of her own life.  And in addition, by setting her up in a "new" place, she veered farther away from her traditional support system, as well as dug herself into a deeper financial hole.

So to re-emphasize my message, in my opinion, if your son wants something--a new job, more education, some therapy, a car--then he should be the one to make it happen.  That's especially relevant for someone his age.  I'd be a little more forgiving of, say, a 21-year-old who has practically no experience adulting.  But 45 and employable?  He should take the reins of his life.  Like Notwendy stated, he's young enough that he can still recover from mistakes.  And if he's making the financial mistakes (not you), chances are they're probably limited in scale--getting evicted, maybe declaring bankruptcy with a few thousand dollars of credit card debt.  You, however, probably can't afford it, because if you're not retired already, you're probably close to it.  Moreover, if he doesn't learn how to budget now, when will he learn?  What will he do when you're gone?

Look, I know it's incredibly hard.  You want to help your dear son, and it's painful to see him struggle.  Just today, my husband expressed some grief and remorse for feeling like he "caused" his daughter's troubles.  I had to remind him that for probably the first time in her adult life, she was doing what she was supposed to be doing (i.e. working, taking care of herself, etc.), and that I was proud of her for that.  I'm also proud of my husband for giving her the time and space to carve out a life for herself, that doesn't involve mooching off us, blaming us and hating us for making her feel like a dependent child.  Just to gauge my husband's reaction, I said:  "I don't think she should live with us again."  And he agreed that it wasn't a good idea, not for us, and especially not for her.  I mentioned that because I fear that she might be running out of money soon--surely she has been living off of some graduation money and the proceeds from selling her car--and I half expect her to rebound.  But right now my husband agrees that she shouldn't come back to live with us.  The test will probably be what happens if she begs him.  We'll see.  I really, really hope he doesn't relent and doesn't bully me into letting her back in, because it doesn't work.  Right now, I'm hoping for the best.

And here's another potential take-away:  my stepdaughter didn't take suicide off the table until she was told by doctors that, if she attempted suicide once again, she would be involuntarily committed, and in essence, she'd lose her freedom.  I think that's when it hit home with her.  Her dad and I could have told her that, but she wouldn't listen.  She had to experience it for herself and hear it from doctors to be convinced.  Only when she hit bottom and was "ready" to save her life (and freedoms) did she do the therapeutic work and turn her life around.  In other words, it's not up to us at all.  I think there's nothing we can do or say to convince them.  But the longer we enable their unhealthy habits--staying unemployed, wasting money, self-medicating with illicit substances, etc.--the longer it takes them to realize that they need to make some changes to get better.

I think your son needs you to be calm and strong, so that he can be strong too.  OK?

Oh, and another idea for you.  I think I've probably advised before to "slow walk," meaning slow down your responses.  For conversations, that might mean letting calls go to voicemail and getting back to your son when it's convenient for you, say, the next day at 5 pm.  That way, you give him some time to self-regulate, and you have a natural stopping point ("Gotta go make dinner, talk to you later").  You could take a similar approach to monetary requests.  Any time he asks for money, make it your automatic response to say, "I need to think about that."  I'd generally advise not to bail him out, but if you can't do that, then at least SLOW DOWN the flow of money.  You could say, "I absolutely can't pay you anything until my next paycheck/until the first of the month."  That way, you buy time, and you give him a chance to solve the problem himself.  If you feel that shutting down the parental ATM is too harsh, then I'd say you might try something else.  One option could be that you set up an emergency fund for him.  Maybe you set up a joint account and say you'll fund it to the tune of $50 dollars per week, provided that he also adds $50 per week (if he adds nothing or makes a withdrawal, you don't add anything until he puts it back).  If you both stick to the plan for a year, by the end of the year he'll have over $5,000 in the account.  At that point you could sign over the account to him, and hopefully by then he'll have learned the simple habit of saving for emergencies.  How does that sound?

This is significant, because, even if we are adults, our BPD parents may have been scary to us as kids. Sometimes the expectation to emotionally caretake a BPD parent is also reinforced by the other parent, who may be enabling.

You might explore learning motivational interviewing (MI). MI is a well known evidence based type of intervention for addicts and is now used in many areas including health care. It meets the disordered person where he/she is in terms of motivation including having no motivation and supports change talk from the disordered person. Anybody can learn it and there are many resources on the internet.

Zachira, you hit the nail on the head. I want for my son mental health and the freedom that could bring him. I see his pain,fear, spins into thinking and feelings that disregulate him and wash away the hard work he does do to try and build a stable life. And the pain he feels when he wants to end his life.
He lives in that place but takes little effort to face it head on. Maybe he can't, maybe I've gotten in the way.
He's done therapy from time to time as I've encouraged and paid for it. Or his ex wife pushed for it. He has gotten some relief and insight as far as he went. But the root hasn' been addressed and the truth is he avoids going to that place. For me part of it is also not accepting my son as he is and not respecting his right to live his life as he wants. . 

I feel like there is also a "let down" element going on.  Kind of like after times of prepping, prepping, prepping for an open house or a speaking engagement or some other event.  There is so much to do, do, do, that afterward there is kind of a depression even if everything went well.  Except in this case, it is the experience of being "on" for months or years at a time with no break, having to remember how to respond, how not to respond, how to validate, how to "listen through", how to not JADE, how to keep boundaries.  Then when these times of lucidity or clarity pop up and there is no need for any of that, with the relaxing comes a deep deflating and depression, an emotional let down - even though I'm being treated well for the first time, which should be great.
Also, with relaxing and letting go of all that "training," there comes a clarity on my part too: Wow, this is how things are supposed to be.  The 16 months since the last moment of lucidity have SUCKED.  I couldn't see that at the time in the middle of all the nonsense, but now that there's a break... it is tangible how crappy most of life is.  So even though I'm being treated kindly and respectfully in this new brief season, the weight of typical life hangs in heavy stark contrast.

You are not alone in struggling to set healthier boundaries with a disordered close family member. It is particularly challenging when the disordered person is your child.
Your biggest challenge in setting boundaries with your son could be wanting him to get better more than he does. The challenge when others are more interested in another person's recovery than he/she is than it is harder for he/she to feel motivated to take the steps needed to get better.