Maybe this will help give some perspective.

I'm a huge NFL football fan and my hometown team has been average for about 20 years now.  They've consistently beat some of the top teams in the league, and they've consistently blown games against the worst of the worst.  It's perplexing to say the least and they're just not consistent.

On the football forum I've posted on for gosh, maybe 25-30 years now, some people are sky high with the first few wins of the season and 100% doom/gloom after a few losses.  I've never understood that though because if your only focus is being league champs, 31 of 32 franchises are going to be miserable every season.  Only 1 team ultimately wins, so why put all your hope in the final outcome?  To me, that takes away from actually enjoying the season and the big plays, etc.

For me, I enjoy each game week by week, regardless if we win or lose.  If we get blown out, okay, maybe there's not a lot of positives there.  But even then, teams usually bounce back and have a great game the following week.  That mindset lets me enjoy my team regardless of circumstances.

What's the point here?  You dated a mentally ill woman.  There were some great memories and some lousy ones.  You helped her reconnect with family, you helped her dig deeper into herself.  And no, you didn't "fix her".  But none of us ever have.  That would be the "Super Bowl" of BPD relationships, if one of us figured out how to completely heal our partners.

You had a journey- some good, some bad.  That's okay.  Enjoy the fond memories and let go of the ugly ones.  Forgive her for being broken.

Why?  The relationship has been over for awhile now, but she still has power over you.  What's she going to do?  What's she gonig to say to someone next?  Where will she show up next?  You have to let all of that stuff go, and the path to doing that is actually forgiving her from within.  That doesn't mean you'll be friends again or anything like that either- that's not what this is about.  It's to allow you to heal and truly move on, even though you see her weekly still.

Sometimes we want to look back on the relationship and declare it total failure because it ultimately ended.  I don't see it that way though.  We lived and learned and loved and did the best we could.  It's more about the journey and the growth than it is the end result.  And you've certainly frown signifigantly from her being in your life.  That's not a bad thing at all.

100%. Even during our faux one month breakup I made sure to tell her we'll take this time to better ourselves for eachother. A break, which I never believed in until I did it with her, meant no dates, texting men, kissing, sex, nothing. Zero contact with members of the opposite sex. She said she didn't and I believe it because the weird breakup was odd in that after a few days she was at my house everyday, slept here, showered, her belongings were still here. Nonsense.

And yeah, before dating me she never saw her dad according to her, because he was abusive. Albeit, not physically, emotionally, sexually...her words too. So I'm unsure what that even means. Probably just more lies and victimization. Because apparently I'm abusive in all meanings of the  word and a Narcissist. I convinced her to rekindle that relationship given his health, we helped him move into his new gfs home, many things.

So I see that as some sort of leverage on her end given he's quite old, strangely given her age. Surgeries, kidney issues, etc. That's my next fear/hurdle. My only response that I rehearse is "I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family can heal and grow together". And that's only if she's brave enough to make an in person approach at work or come to my house since she's blocked everywhere.

But who knows, maybe her sister too, who has a dozen mental health diagnoses as well and is just an overall mess. That entire family has some sad issues. I wish I was never dumb enough to start this relationship.

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  You are not alone.  You are also not to blame, no matter how much your daughter is trying to convince you otherwise.  You didn't cause BPD, and you can't cure it, either.  Your daughter is the one with the problem, and she's also the one with the solution!  The rub is, she has decide to get some help (and take it seriously) so that she can start to feel better.  And typically that happens after she hits bottom, when getting help seems like the only remaining option.

I understand that things probably feel like they are reaching a crisis point right now.  I haven't dealt with dealth threats from the pwBPD in my life.  That is serious.  And if you are scared, that is serious, too.  Yet I can't help but think that your daughter is projecting her ill feelings onto you.  My guess is that if she says she thinks you should die, that's code for how she thinks about herself.  My adult BPD stepdaughter would say things like, "You're horrible, you're a miserable excuse for a human, you should be euthanized."  Again, that's all code for how she thinks about herself.  But I'd say, that's a different tone than a direct threat to kill me.  I wasn't ever really scared of my pwBPD, I was more scared FOR her.  Nevertheless, if your daughter is actively threatening you, I think you should call 911.  Also, you should try to record the incident, because there's a real risk that when the cops come, your daughter will flip the script and say YOU were the one threatening HER.  That sort of thing happened in my family, and it's a common occurrence on these boards, too.

Having written all that, I can't help but be an optimist.  First off, BPD is treatable.  That's the first thing I read when I Googled it after learning of my adult stepdaughter's diagnosis.  That gave me some hope.  Secondly, your daughter has YOU.  I have no doubt that you are her strongest ally in the treatment journey, because you're her mom, you're in your daughter's life, and you're here.  Thirdly, your daughter is young.  She can turn her life around before BPD completely derails it.  If she's not self-medicating with illicit substances, that's a big plus, too.  Once my adult BPD stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously and quit marijuana, she turned her life around pretty quickly, in a couple of years.  Though there were some setbacks, and though she still struggles, her life looks much, much healthier than it once did.  I'm not fearing for her life on a daily basis anymore, and I'm cautiously optimistic for her.

It seems to me that the 20s are probably the worst for BPD.  My theory is it's because your daughter is bumping up against an adult's world with adult-level stresses, but with the emotional skills set of a youngster.  She has challenges with extreme, black-and-white thinking, which is overwhelmingly negative.  Her expectations remain as a youngster's--to be cared for, catered to and be the perennial center of attention--setting herself up for constant disappointment.  She has low distress tolerance, low patience, low resilience.  She doesn't really know who she is or what she wants, making it hard for her to pick a major or a path for her future.  Without the scaffolding which middle school and high school provided, she's having trouble managing her schedule on her own.  She can't really fathom planning or working towards long-term goals.  She demands way too much devotion and attention from friends, and acts out when she's not getting it.  She throws tantrums, which in an adult seem totally unwarranted and out of place.  Since she's erratic, she experiences losses--quitting school, quitting jobs, quitting relationships, quitting on herself--which induce intense feelings of shame and anger.  Let me guess:  Your daughter is sleeping most of the days away?  Does her room look like a mess?  Is she eating junk?  Is she doom-scrolling on her phone all the time?  Is she neglecting her hygiene?  Her room is a mess, her body is a mess, her life is a mess--I think all of that is a manifestation of her messed-up thinking.  Her negative emotional turmoil has practically hijacked her brain.

To cope, your daughter embraces a victim mindset.  She feels constantly traumatized, by life and everyone in it.  It's not just one person (an ex boyfriend, an absent dad)--she thinks everyone traumatizes her.  I've written here before that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it basically renders her helpless.  She's so busy blaming everyone else that she feels powerless over her own life.  Instead of working on herself, she's re-writing history into a convoluted victim narrative.  My theory is that the farther back in history she goes (dredging up negative incidents from early childhood), the more frightened she is about the present and the future.  Why does she do this?  It's all a deflection from her current issues.  She's basically saying, it's YOUR fault her life sucks, because she had a terrible childhood, and you OWE her to fix it.  Does that sound about right?

OK, so where does that leave you?  Probably exhausted, fearful, resentful, distressed, grieving, financially strained, lacking energy, with faltering relationships, maybe angry too, with a touch of PTSD.  You might feel like you're living with an emotional terrorist, because your daughter has gone nuclear, with threats of suicide and violence, and she's MAD (threatening mutually assured destruction).  You're wondering what you did wrong, why you're here, why nothing seems to work, why things only seem to get worse.  We get it.  My message to you today is, you're a great Mom, you didn't cause this.  You deserve to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if you're a basket case operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  My advice is, take a break today.  Give yourself some grace.  Allow yourself some space not to worry about your daughter today.  Do something nice for yourself--take a walk, take a relaxing bath in candlelight, meditate, journal, listen to some music, call a friend, practice a hobby for half an hour, stretch, whatever self-care looks like for you.  You deserve to reclaim your life, and that should start today, OK?  This is a journey of baby steps, and I think you should take one today.

Please feel free to come back and share more.  All the best to you.

I'm the same. We know that BPD's will say and threaten things they won't carry out but if they sleep with someone then that's an actual act and can't be ignored.

Me and my ex had some longish breaks during our time - one was about 9 months duration - and I have no idea if she was seeing anyone during those breaks. I had no concrete evidence she was so always gave her the benefit of the doubt. She would sometimes say 'I'm going home with XXXX tonight' when she was in a mood but she never did - she knew that if she ever did something like that then I really would never see her again.

Definitely need to be strong and resist being drawn back in if anything happens to her father and she uses it as an excuse for contact. We can all relate to being pulled back into the game so keep telling yourself that her life is totally her own now and nothing that happens can concern you.

Hello and welcome to the family!  Venting sessions are perfectly welcome here and everyone understands your frustrations.  I was where you're at now maybe 6 or 7 years ago feeling the exact same way.  And like you, I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep being the rescurer and the persecutor and the victim depending on what time of the day it was.

Boundaries and consequences are the name of the game, because your kid needs to learn right from wrong.  You can do that lovingly sometimes, but other occasions require a different approach where your needs are bigger than your daughter's. 

For instance, if my daughter threatened my life, I'd dial 9-1-1.  Whether she was serious or not doesn't matter, because there's a lesson to be learned there.  You just don't do that to people (much less the people who are providing for you).

You mentioned things have been worse lately.  What's changed?  It could be things in your life or things in her life.  And it might not be bad changes either, this could just be push-back.

What type of relationship are you in?
 Daughter 21 living at home with me and my boyfriend/her stepfather of 10 years. Divorced from her dad who has no contact with either of us.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
Undiagnosed BPD in father, grandfather, great grandfather
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 She is brilliant - talented creative smart funny. A rock star under the mental health struggles she is buried under
 
What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 Suicidality, self harm, substance abuse, depression, won’t engage with the world, disordered eating, no accountability, won’t finish high school, or drivers licensing, or work, or do much of anything. Has a small group of friends who provide drugs alcohol and junk food.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 Lying, lack of self awareness, lack of impact on others, self harm, says she wants to kill me
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Diagnosed. Sees a psychiatrist. On a ton of medications
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 Conflicting advice, despair, exhaustion,
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 Child goes intermittently
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
 I was hoping for hope. For answers. Honestly I’m finding reading the posts is making me lose the scrap of hope I had.
 
TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

Hi first time on the site. I found it after searching for help because my 21DD with BPD ADHD ASD and severe depression has threatened to kill me. This is a new low in our relationship and I’m scared for what this could mean for both of us.

I am told by family and professionals to set more boundaries and consequences. She has a psychiatrist, is on loads of meds, has attended DBT training twice, has started counselling again:

She lives with me and my boyfriend of 10 years who is the most dad she has, in a safe and stable alcohol and drug free home where she has a semi private apartment just for her. We are alcohol and drug free, home bodies. She has other local family supports. We try to prioritize meeting her needs while still living our lives.

Things have been getting steadily worse lately. I’m losing hope and I don’t know what to do. Reading the posts here I can see I have it easier than some but that there is no model for how BPD impacts your loved one or yourself.

This threat to me is shocking. I caught her in a lie, calmly noted it, and it has brought this crisis point on with this new threat to my safety. I am scared to leave her alone, I’m also scared to be alone with her.

I have sacrificed so much, cared for and loved her so much, I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like an utter failure as a parent, nothing I do helps, nothing I do for her will ever be enough. I am exhausted from the years of fighting with her and then fighting for her. I defend her to others, try to help them understand she’s not well, support her and forgive her but now I want to give up, run away, stop existing. I need this not to be my whole life. It comes between me and everyone, my job, my relationship.

I didn’t intend to make this a venting session or dump I’m just all out of hope and I have no idea what to do next. I feel so alone.

I think BPD kids are the biggest challenge because they're the hardest to walk away from.  If it's a spouse, they can become a former spouse and we can move on.  If it's a sibling or another relative, we can limit contact or cut it out completely.  But with kids at any age, we still feel obligated as mom and dad to step in and save the day.

Sometimes I literally cringe when I'm writing to a new member here with a BPD kid, because I remember how I first reacted when I got the right advice from a fantastic psychiatrist.  He made it so clear that there's my problems and my kid's problems...and those two things are rarely the same thing. 

The biggest problem was me trying to save the kid instead of letting her learn the lessons her actions caused.  Deep down, I was the one at fault for so much of the toxic behavior that came my way because that's what I taught...dad can fix anything no matter how impossible it might seem.

My father's favorite saying was, "If you mess with the bull, you get the horns."  Yet somehow, my kid would mess with the bull and I'd end up getting the horns instead.  I had to learn to stop that, to step back and let her deal with the situations she created on her own.  I don't "get the horns" anymore and it makes a very big difference in my life.

Notwendy,
We are continually challenged to not spend too much time attempting to understand the behaviors of disordered people and not allow them to make us feel like we are the crazy ones. We are healing when we focus mostly on our own personal  growth and wellness.

Yes, it still hurts to be abused by your own family, yet the intensity and length of the hurt is much less as I move on more quickly.

Yeah, I'm 100% certain I can't ever go back or have contact. I have a weird rule that once someone hooks up with or has sex with someone after me...I'm disgusted and wouldn't want to even shake their hand again haha I'm weird in that respect. I have no evidence she has, but if I had to bet my life on it I would say with several people...especially since we started having sex like the same week she left her fiancé. How stupid was I.

I will always advocate for peace at work until I can find a promotion at the other location down the street.

Or if she gets fired, I'm unsure how she is able to come into work at 10am-11am every day and not get told anything.

And I dread the day her very sick dad passes away. That could spark an in person attempt from her. No other exes of mine have hovered like this and it's very annoying.