I often think my late dBPD mother was on the spectrum, due to her discomfort and awkwardness in social settings. She did not do charming.
We kids saw that some men seemed to be spellbound by BPD mother. Even some men who weren't romantically involved with her.
I think in a way, all romantic relationships have an initial "intensity" to it and everyone likes to feel special and loved. I think it's possible for someone to be attracted to a pwBPD and not be aware of issues, and then when the BPD behaviors are seen, be confused by them. Some may end the relationship at this point and some may not. It may be that there are other factors that keep the relationship going with some people.
CC43, this sounds right to me. I think BPD people can be attractive to those who struggle to tell the difference between intensity and genuine intimacy, perhaps due to FOO issues. And to people who have an unmet need to feel special, unique, or chosen - maybe because they feel deprioritised or unvalued in other parts of their lives and intimate relationships.
I'm guessing body language or demeanor indicates a person can be extremely exciting, challenging or dramatic and that can be incredibly attractive on a subconscious level.
As I said above my mother was neither charming nor sociable. She was dramatic and an expert at intense temper tantrums for no discernible reason. She was very pretty and people paid attention to her even in her late 80s. The weird thing is I look like her and when with her, she was the one who got all the attention. And I was the younger version of her!
A former college roommate of mine was gorgeous. She had the same experience.
Her mother visited once and my roommate told me her mom would get all the attention when they went out. At the time, I thought her mom was old and not that attractive. (Sorry, I was 21 then.) I could not understand it.
She told me her mom was a bit strong-willed and difficult. I don't know if she had a personality disorder or not. My roommate was low key and introverted. She was normal.
The even weirder thing is my college roommate became an actress after graduation and was cast as one of the hot and pretty girls in a popular Hollywood movie in the 80s. She's had medium to small roles in TV and film during her career and is not famous. She’s not anyone you would know.
She was a Hollywood-approved hot girl and men still chose her 50-year-old mom over her. There’s something else going on besides physical hotness,
I think those with FOO issues may miss early red flags or explain them away. I know people with personality disorders may hide their worst traits until after marriage, an extended lovebombing so to speak. They learned which traits caused friends and partners to dump them in the past and adjusted their behavior to get what they wanted.
My late ex-h did that. There were a few red flags which I dismissed (big mistake) when we were engaged because he was such a sweetie. He was the perfect fiance. We were engaged for three years. He did a 180 and was abusive and scary during the marriage. I felt duped.