Yes, exactly. I wanted this young woman to experience success with me, rather than a negative because, success builds on success (hopefully- who knows). I also wondered what would have happened if my BPD mother had a different experience, and she wasn't going to learn a career at her elderly age and so wondered it it would make a difference for this person. I don't really know the outcome later. I decided to give it a try.

It's a pipe dream but I wish we saw BPD in the same way we see other conditions that lead to support in school and workforce, if it were possible. It would take some advocating. By early adulthood, pwBPD already have the emotional results of the disfunction that impeded their success. I don't know if it would make a difference but I have wondered.

Indeed, I think pwBPD have a very negative internal dialogue most of the time.

If I were running late for a session, my thought pattern would probably go something like this:  I'll message ahead that I'm running late, and maybe offer to reschedule if it's inconvenient for them to start late.  Since it's rare that I'm late and I'm making an effort to communicate, they'll understand.  Little setbacks happen from time to time, especially for busy executives like me, but this isn't a big deal to worry about.  I'll apologize, rework the schedule and move on.  Now that I think about it, there are a few coping tactics going on here:  contextualizing, empathy, communication, apologizing and trouble-shooting.  In addition, I'm confident of my general professional reputation, and I won't be derailed by a minor scheduling incident.

But for pwBPD, the internal dialogue is negative, emotionally-charged and often overwhelming.  She wouldn't think to call ahead when she knew she was running late, because it would be too scary.  She wouldn't have prepared the evening before, to ensure that she had all her logistics lined up, including meeting participant contact details and setting reminder alarms if necessary.  She's so overwhelmed by the prospect of being late that she works herself into a mess, and when she finally arrives at the meeting, she can barely concentrate on what she's supposed to be doing.  She sees that she has annoyed the other person in the meeting, but she probably forgets to apologize, or she comes up with a super-long story, blaming traffic and her own stupidity, drawing more negative attention to herself and delaying the meeting further.  Her colleague, who just wants to get her work done, probably feels further annoyed, and the entire encounter feels more stressful that it should be.  The pwBPD picks up on that, and she devolves into a deeper mess.  She internalizes and takes everything personally:  I'm a joke, a fraud, I can't do this.  Then the paranoia sets in:  my colleage thinks I'm a joke, a fraud, that I can't do this.  Then she catastrophizes:  I'm going to get fired.  Sometimes I think there might be some self-sabotage in all this:  she works herself into a tizzy, and she can't focus on her job because she's convinced herself that she can't do it, and that her colleagues hate her!  Her general coping tactic is avoidance:  avoiding owning up to her mistake, avoiding calling ahead to say she's running late, avoiding a simple apology, avoiding fixing the problem at hand, avoiding the task altogether because it's too hard/scary/stressful, wasting her valuable work time on non-problems that can't be changed after the fact.  She doesn't have the emotional maturity to learn from her mistake either:  she has to plan to arrive early to meetings, and extra-extra-early to important ones.  Instead, her worst fears might become reality, when she gets fired for low productivity/efficiency, or she beats them to the punch and quits.

I think there's an additional layer to being in student mode while the expectations are higher. The emotional regulation issues are still there.

The person I worked with could do well at times but one time she was late for a session with someone else and by the time she came to me she was crying because that person showed annoyance, she was declaring that person hates her, (they didn't hate her)  and so on. She was so upset, that she wasn't able to focus, so I sent her home with plans to try later.

Someone who didn't "get it" would have no understanding of this and actually it wasn't in my job description either but that she was placed with me, and knowing she had BPD made the difference for both of us.

I don't know what happened with her after our sessions together. I hope your daughter can pull it together. I hope this young woman can too. Perhaps she felt safe enough to be open with her emotions with me, or will do it in other settings as well.

I agree it is confusing to see someone so smart and capable also struggle emotionally. Your D may need extra encouragement from her father and you,  and so hopefully this will work out well for her.

Indeed that sums up the current situation pretty well.  On the professional front, my stepdaugher needs lots and lots of patient training, reassurance, praise, guidance and hand-holding.  Alas, I think she skipped some years of lower-stakes, slower-paced internships, and so she lacks practice in basic job survival skills:  arriving early and prepared, taking careful notes, knowing how to focus, knowing how to receive coaching/corrections/feedback, prioritizing, clear communication, double-checking work, staying positive/enthusiastic, pitching in, being generally helpful, and sometimes, working late to catch up if needed.  I think one of her big issues is that she's older now, and so her employer expects her to be more advanced than she really is.  Part of the issue could relate to my stepdaughter's overselling of her prior work accomplishments, but hey, her current job isn't a highly skilled one and wouldn't require a college degree.  Yet I think intellectually, she's still in "student" mode, i.e. expecting to be taught and shown everything, sometimes multiple times, rather than to be more autonomous and figure out some things by herself.  She complained that a colleague stated, "You should be getting this by now."  Emotionally, she's still probably at a teen's level, getting too upset over constructive criticism, having trouble enduring a fast pace for eight hours a day, and constantly doubting herself, which is interfering with her ability to stay on task.  I mean, where is she getting the time to call up her relative in the middle of the workday to vent about all the work she has to get done?

As for Pook's point about his daughter's sudden desire to reconnect when moving geographically close to her again . . . that has happened to me too.  However, in my situation, the sudden interest in reconnection and visitation feels much more like a scouting trip to me, in line with the "needs-based" and "transactional" nature of our relationship most of the time.  In other words, visiting and reconnecting feels like my pwBPD is scoping out future living quarters, staking claims to "her" room, confirming a free storage facility, and confirming that the parental cash flow is still ample and able to be channeled her way.  She wants a key to my home, she wants the code to the garage, and she wants to know when we're on vacation.  I think it's part of her "entitled" view that my house is her house.  The second we leave on vacation, she's going to crash and "play house" in my home (even though she has her own apartment), but she's not going to inform us, let alone ask permission.  With a "normal" and responsible person, I wouldn't mind it so much, but with her, it just always feels like I'm providing free hotel / storage / laundry / pantry service, but with no hotel fees, reservations or contributions with general upkeep, let alone replacing the things she consumes, let alone attending to basic home care like taking out her trash.  I dislike the entitlement and general sneakiness, too. 

Her siblings will visit and live with us from time to time, but their visits don't feel transactional.  Even if they don't help out with any home chores, they are generally respectful (especially my stepson) and fun to be around.  I'm just saying this because I don't think this is a "me" issue as much as a BPD one.

Anyway, another work week has commenced.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I've told my husband, it's normal to feel stressed out about a new job.  What's not normal is to quit on the spot without having another job lined up first.  Alas, my stepdaughter has quit numerous jobs in the first few days.  My hope is that she can hang on for three months.  I told myself I'd be impressed if she could last that long.  Even if she does quit or get fired, I'd see it as a step in the right direction, because it's her first full-time job that she selected for herself all by herself.  She can learn a lot from it.  At the very least, she can add it to her resume.

Pook, welcome home.  The paperwork will get done, all you need is patience and persistence, as I'm sure you already know.

Yes, exactly- and that ability to be closer and yet, step back from drama will help.

Since BPD affects the closest relationships the most, it is possible your BPD D may react to your being geographically closer. It doesn't seem fair that the family who cares the most is the one to experience the behaviors the most-but that is the nature of the disorder.

Family is on this "front line" of emotion, because we are the most secure attachment for them. This does not mean we have to tolerate hurtful behavior but it helps to know it's not all "personal" to us- as it's the nature of the relationship that is the reason for it. Still, BPD affects all relationships in some way so the ones that look "better" may not actually be better, just different.

You have the tools Pook, and so know how to navigate any changes when you move closer.

I've wondered that too.  I've been away for almost 2.5 years now, so maybe that's why things went so smooth.  Maybe that changes once I'm back permanently. 

I've learned to take what I can get though and be thankful for the good times.

I found the oppostite with my BPD mother. At a distance, we got along better. Whenever she visited, or vice versa, she would somehow seem helpless, and have me do things for her. Being the parent, she had the upper hand and I would have to "obey your mother".

In her elder years, when I visited, the entire visit would consist of me doing things for her, running errands for her. This arrangement was "normalized" because she did need the help and ethics, culture, expects one to help an elderly parent.

I didn't mind helping during these visits as it they were only for a visit except that, somehow she'd find something I did or didnt do that she was upset about. I would not react to that but it's hard to not have emotions about it. It would have been difficult to be living near her and experience this frequently.

Pook, I wonder if the relocation would change the situation from a visit to being closer all the time. Time will tell on this one.

As to the workforce. I did have a short term mentor situation with a young woman who had BPD (this was not the friend's child). This was a more objective situation than family or friend. To her credit, she disclosed that she had BPD and I told her I knew what that was.  She was bright and capable, but emotionally experienced a lot of performance anxiety and needed a lot of reassurance. I had noticed the same thing with my BPD mother when she did a task, and this explains why she'd get family into a situation to do the tasks for her instead.

Working with her took a lot of emotional energy, extra time, and it was emotionally taxing at times. It was sheer coincidence that we were paired together. This is one reason I wish there was supportive employment training for pwBPD.

I mention this because I think we see a person with BPD as being capable of doing tasks, but the emotional aspect for them may not be as clear. Also, since BPD affects the closest relationships the most, they are more apt to act out with family. Since I was not in that position with this person, it took any personal interactions out of the equation, but she still had her own internal emotional struggles. Hope this observation is helpful if one's child is struggling at what may seem like a doable job task for them.

I've nocited that about my BPD daughter as well; when I'm at a distance, I'm the enemy who has wronged her, done terrible things, etc.  She told her mom a few months ago that we don't speak at all anymore.  And that's true in a way; we hadn't talked.  Not because we were on bad terms or anything- I'm just halfway around the world and we're 12 time zones apart.

Last month, I flew back to the US and bought a house- my wife and I should be able to move back soon.  We had a final embassy interview for my wife's green card that got rescheduled, but we're hopeful that we'll complete that soon.  Maybe we'll be back by Thanksgiving or Christmas?  That's our hope anyway.

Anyway, I told my BPD kid that I was coming home for a few weeks and she started calling/messaging regularly.  She visited me on day one and called almost every single day, plus came over several times to help paint or whatever the house needed.  She was helpful, considerate, and pleasant to be around. 

Yet other family members were kind of shocked- you visited your dad?  I thought you didn't speak anymore.

I realize now that this will be a pattern for the rest of my life.  Sometimes we'll be close, sometimes we'll be perceived enemies.  I can't play into that though or allow it to bother me- I need to be the same regardless of the "chatter" I get from others.  I love my kid and want what's best for her.  Whatever she says or does when we're apart has nothing to do with me- I've learned to accept that and things are much smoother these days.

We are in a new month... how is life a few weeks later?  Any progress on that peace bond, perhaps extending it and tweaking it wherever necessary?

One approach of which to beware is that the legal system expects things to get better over time.  The problem in this case is that dysfunctional acting-out personality disorders don't usually get better - usually worse - because intensive therapy is needed to reshape his thinking and perceptions.  That's where the old analogy "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" comes in.  Most courts don't try to "fix" problem parents, they just set boundaries (orders) and hope the "bickering" fades into the background.  But half-measures too often aren't enough.  So it's up to us parents to step up and ensure we walk out with the best (or least bad) outcome possible.

And thank you Foreverdad for your wise words.