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 81 
 on: October 16, 2026, 11:59:22 AM  
Started by mikejones75093 - Last post by Pook075
Divorce has been final.  This is a custody modification.  Coached the kids to make false outcries, once PD CPS and who knows what else got involved it was proven fake.  Thankfully I know how to document and I have everything that shows the truth.  So we are under temp orders that match our basic original decree.  She plays a part, and once she wants to be this moral ethical amazing person that fights for the underdog that is who her part is in public and she gets all these supporters, even though she yells, screams, talks bad about me and all kinds of other terrible parenting.  The issue is that she lies, twists, exaggerates the truth to be what she wants, then when confronted with actual evidence showing the truth instead of backing down it turns into well its a conspiracy theory, she said her former attorney, the judge, DA, CPS and everyone else is involved in this giant cover up with me.  Then emergency filings saying kids are in danger.  Over and over and over again.  I'm just trying to figure out how this ends, sanctions?  she never paid.  Attorneys fees awarded?  She never paid.  This feels like legalized harassment and there has to be something that can be done to stop this. 

Bickering is common in divorce and custody proceedings, but ignoring court orders is not.  Why isn't this front and center for the judge to take action on?  If she's been caught lying under oath and/or filing false claims, there should be consequences and it sounds like there have been on paper.  Why has the court not followed through on any of it?

These are all questions your attorney should have clear answers for.

Getting a psych evaluation is secondary to standing court orders.  That's like driving a car with the oil light on, then saying you have to drive across town to check the tire pressure to see if that's the problem.  The tires could need air, sure, but that's clearly not the problem we're talking about and it doesn't solve anything.

If your attorney doesn't have a practical answer to make all of this stop, I would be seeking another attorney.

 82 
 on: October 16, 2026, 10:10:19 AM  
Started by happymeal - Last post by happymeal
My BPD wife says it's over, that she is getting legal council to get a separation agreement.

I honestly don't know what she will do. We have been sleeping apart since last Thursday. Eating apart (I get yelled at if I try to eat at the same time as my family). She could just be running an extinction burst. She just made a "farewell" post in my extended families fb group, and left the group.

TLDR; it's been 20 years. I'm tired.

What should I do?

 83 
 on: October 16, 2026, 08:45:53 AM  
Started by mikejones75093 - Last post by mikejones75093
We get it.  We comply and get little or no credit while the ex fights everything and gets few or weak consequences.  It's almost as though the court sees us as more responsible and thus more consequence-worthy but keeps acting more as a passive referee hoping the players figure it out, as though you're only bickering.

In my experience the problem is that a psych eval is quite limited.  My ex and I were both ordered to take psych evals when we initially separated.  I complied.  No surprise, the university grad student's report listed "anxiety".  My ex?  To this day, over 2 decades later, I don't even know whether she even took her psych eval.  And yes, no consequences.

What I learned from that experience is that when you both are ordered to do something, might be a good idea for your attorney to merely inform the other side you've got your part done and wait for them to appear and submit their part.  Otherwise you'll comply and be left whistling in the  wind.

As CC43 wrote, a mental health diagnosis by itself will mean little, it's the impact of her parenting on the kids.  In my case I had a few magistrates who were of no help but eventually the rotation came around to the no-nonsense magistrate.  Between the magistrates, a lengthy Custody Evaluation by a respected expert child psychologist, a GAL for our child and my lawyer... the disparagement, the obstruction and the legal sabotage were addressed.  Sadly, we didn't get to that point until long after my two year divorce.

That publicity posturing is somewhat rare here and we have to be careful not to speculate, but with your ex doing all this publicity amplifying all the issues, I wonder whether you might conclude she's co-morbid with Histrionic PD, where she must be the center of attention.

We had a member here over a decade ago who had an ex like that and that BPD/HPD combo was devastating and had their family court tied up in circles.

Are you still in the divorce process?  Are you still living under a temp order?  Do you have a Guardian ad Litem (GAL = lawyer representing the children)?  As with a Custody Evaluator, a GAL must be well qualified, experienced, unbiased and not easily gullible.  My divorce took 2 years, yet it took several more years before court finally addressed her antics.  Once I obtained full legal guardianship (custody) and went back successfully to get majority time, my ex's entitlement balloon deflated a bit and we never went to court again.  However, if your ex is Histrionic, whether diagnosed or not, even that may not resolve the conflict.

Divorce has been final.  This is a custody modification.  Coached the kids to make false outcries, once PD CPS and who knows what else got involved it was proven fake.  Thankfully I know how to document and I have everything that shows the truth.  So we are under temp orders that match our basic original decree.  She plays a part, and once she wants to be this moral ethical amazing person that fights for the underdog that is who her part is in public and she gets all these supporters, even though she yells, screams, talks bad about me and all kinds of other terrible parenting.  The issue is that she lies, twists, exaggerates the truth to be what she wants, then when confronted with actual evidence showing the truth instead of backing down it turns into well its a conspiracy theory, she said her former attorney, the judge, DA, CPS and everyone else is involved in this giant cover up with me.  Then emergency filings saying kids are in danger.  Over and over and over again.  I'm just trying to figure out how this ends, sanctions?  she never paid.  Attorneys fees awarded?  She never paid.  This feels like legalized harassment and there has to be something that can be done to stop this. 

 84 
 on: October 16, 2026, 08:38:13 AM  
Started by mikejones75093 - Last post by mikejones75093
Do the children have a GAL? Much can be done through a good guardian ad litem, since they are focused on representing the children's best interest.

We have so many third parties involved I really don't want another.  They do nothing but cost money.  Once the third party doesn't agree with her she destroys them with multiple posts on social media, multiple filings, calls them party of the conspiracy.  Absolutely nothing has been done.  This has been going on for years. 

 85 
 on: October 16, 2026, 08:14:53 AM  
Started by mikejones75093 - Last post by zachira
You only have to do the psych evaluation if it is court ordered. It sounds like your attorney is recommending you do one. In many cases, each party is given a list of three professionals to choose from. Make sure you know who to choose as like any profession some on the list could be good at what they do, and others might be easily taken in by whatever your wife tells them.

 86 
 on: October 16, 2026, 03:08:08 AM  
Started by Alz123 - Last post by Under The Bridge
You've been through the most wearying and draining relationship of your life and it's taken a huge mental and physical toll. It's going to take some time to get over but all of us here can tell you that it will happen eventually. Yes, some mental scars will remain, like normal memories would, but you won't let them dictate your future.

The most important thing is to know that you did everything you could in a relationship you had little control over. Despite your partner's many attempts to guilt-trip you, it was never you who had the problems. Once you realise this, it does start to get easier

Time to put yourself first, second and third  - you deserve it. I relied on my friends and many hobbies to keep me going. You had a life before this toxic relationship and you'll have a life again. The year after I finally ended my BPD hell I met someone who was the polar opposite in every way and the kindest, most decent woman I've ever met.

So work on your recovery and be ready, I've often posted that good things happen when you least expect them.

 87 
 on: October 16, 2026, 02:43:34 AM  
Started by capecodling - Last post by Under The Bridge
I think mine was more the 'sultry cheater' type too.. though I never knew if she ever actually did cheat on me or even if she went out with anyone while we were technically broken up.  She'd certainly threaten to 'let X take me home tonight' but she said this just to make me give her attention.

The hardest thing about BPD breakup is convincing yourself that you weren't to blame and you actually put more effort into this relationship than any other. Once you finally realise it was all beyond your control from the start then things improve rapidly. Still leaves mental scars though.

Pretty frightening how disconnected from reality they can be though, I think that's what finally finished it for me. I still can see her final - and most vicious - meltdown and I just didn't recognise the raging person with huge jet-black pupils (indicating total disconnection) that turned on me in a second. I thought she was heading towards violence too, which I'd never seen in her before.

This was a very long time ago and and I bumped into her sister in law some years back who said she'd never changed one bit and had even cut off from her family now.

I definitely dodged a bullet.

 88 
 on: October 16, 2026, 01:25:29 AM  
Started by hermano_miller - Last post by hermano_miller
Thank you both. I feel so heard and validated I want to cry!

I really like the rollercoaster analogy. I DO have a choice to not get on that nauseating ride, I can just wait by the exit and mind my business patiently...

Yes, luckily both of us are on the same page about creating a stable home for our child and not carry forward this cycle from parents. Thank you once again.

 89 
 on: October 15, 2026, 07:21:39 PM  
Started by Windsurfing dude - Last post by Windsurfing dude

Hello everyone, this is my first post, and I'm hoping to get some insight from people who have experience with BPD and relationships. I've been involved with someone for about six months. We started as friends, spending time together at the beach and going out for meals. Things eventually became intimate, but since then, the relationship has been a confusing cycle of closeness, breakups, and reconnecting. When we first met, I didn't know about the BPD diagnosis.

There have been several occasions when this person ended things, told me never to contact them again, or said they were not attracted to me and had never liked me. Then, after some time apart, they would reach out, apologize, and want to spend time together again. I eventually moved out of our shared home, not to get away from them, but to give us space to develop a relationship outside of living together. Even after meeting their family, I still find myself questioning what our connection meant and whether I did something wrong.

One thing I find particularly confusing is that during some breakups, this person would talk to their family as though we were still together, even after telling me the relationship was over. I'm trying to understand whether these conflicting words and actions might be related to BPD or whether there could be other explanations. I know everyone is different, and I don't want to assume the diagnosis explains everything.

For those who have experienced similar situations, is it possible for someone to have genuine feelings but struggle with the relationship and push the other person away? How do you distinguish between needing space and a relationship truly being over? I'm not here to blame anyone. I genuinely care about this person, but the uncertainty has been difficult, and I'm looking for advice on how to understand the situation while protecting my own emotional well-being. Thank you for listening.

 90 
 on: October 15, 2026, 03:31:40 PM  
Started by Alz123 - Last post by Alz123
Gift yourself some time to recover and find a new equilibrium.  Once this relationship is firmly in the past, grant yourself a year, perhaps more to shake loose the willies.  How can you know how much time?  One yardstick is when you meet someone new and you don't start talking about the crazy ex. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Thank you. Yes, I will need to grieve and lick my wounds for quite a while. I would much rather be alone than in an unhealthy relationship again.

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