Hi,

I can relate to the seesaw of emotions.  On the one hand, rationally I know that the latest lashing out is a reflection of the pwBPD's stress level.  I genuinely feel sorry for all her pain and feelings of inferiority/alienation/discontent/jealousy.  Her thinking seems extremely distorted--all she sees are faults and grievances, kicking her emotions into overdrive at the slightest "provocation."  It must be exhausting for her to live with such a negative mindset all the time.  And yet, on the other hand, I feel it is NO EXCUSE for her to be so mean, especially towards the very people who have gone above and beyond to be understanding, patient and supportive.  Just because she's in distress doesn't give her the right to inflict pain on family members for years on end, and it shouldn't be the foundation for the relationship.  You need to recognize that it's not your role to be your sibling's punching bag, because you don't deserve it, and it won't make your sibling feel any better anyway!

I'd say, just delete the message like spam, hang up or leave the room.  Let your sibling work out her ill feelings by herself or with a therapist.  If she can't be civil, then you leave her alone.

One of my lightbulb moments was when I uttered once, "There's nothing I can say to make it better."    It's true.  Deep down, I think even the pwBPD would agree with that.  They don't want an explanation or an apology; they don't want to understand context or perspective; they don't seek resolution or compromise; they don't want to learn from the situation; they don't want a mutual commitment to do better; they don't want a promise that the future will look brighter.  They want to be upset and to lash out, while blaming or disparaging others, in a futile attempt to make themselves feel better through someone else's pain.  In fact, I think they know full well that they're acting like total jerks, it's just they can't control it, not when they're riled up.  It's not your job to control your sibling's emotions.

Thanks for sharing your uplifting story.

Thank you, Peace.

I say all of the time i only want peace. And that my kids are happy, healthy, and generally okay.

But I don’t need much. Peace is a luxury at this point.

For years he’s been overcautious, security obsessed.  We live in a nice town with very little crime but he is vigilant. When we went through a similar patch a few years ago, he started leaving and not locking the door when he left, sometimes just leaving it wide open. I would get out of the shower and it would be wide open. I read about an auto lock you can lock from your phone and installed that. It alerted when the door was opened and just tracks if it gets locked and whether manual or through the app. It is still on to this day and i lock it all the time (it’s on the deadbolt).  It irritated him at the time but we don't talk about it anymore.

In addition to the dishes — which may also seem childish on my side, but it didn't start intentional and when he saw my sweep missed it that day, he didn't decide he would walk it to the kitchen (at least — let alone put it in the dishwasher), he just added more, and more than usual.  At that point it was just an attack. It was never, hey she has a lot going on so let me just grab MY glass and bring it in. But then it was garbage and chewed on fruit pits and sticking stickers on other things (dishes, counters, hardwood floors).  All I was doing was giving him an adult time out for his childish behavior and maintaining self respect.

But back to “safety”, we have a lot of windows and one room is near floor to ceiling in 3 sides and where I spend most of my time and we do when he is home. He always opens the curtains. I open some but he does more. But then he either gets annoyed with the neighbors about something. Sometimes a comment and sometimes walking between rooms and commenting in something bugging him. BUT we eat at a table in that room and he kind of freaks out when we do that people can see us so he closes the curtains. Even during the day when I don't  think anyone really could. 

So now with the dishes when i didn't react, he started leaving the curtains wide open all night. I don't sleep well (stress) so get up and go to that room so it was his way of trying to make me unsettled. I close the curtains until the sun comes up and the open them again. Childish games.  I don't want to play but I am living it.

He came home at 2 yesterday, plopped in front of tv.  I work til 5 (at home) and then made dinner, ate with the kids. I don't invite him but make enough for him and leave for him. For the record, he doesn't need an invitation.

It was like 7-7:30 when i was finished with everything, he was watching crime stuff on tv (which i don't always mind watching but didn't feel up for more stress but also not really interested in spending time with him right now), so I headed to do a load of laundry and watch tv in bed. I got to bed 8 or 9 anyway.

He came to the bedroom and asked how long I planned to not talk to him.  I said something like, I'm tired and not really up for a long conversation. He said I was always tired (hello, work, stress). 

I’m not sure exactly how the conversation started, but basically it was that he thought I should clean up after him bc I do after the kids (he said everyone else). The kids sometimes leave their things in the kitchen. Mostly my son who is early teen. Their messes are not disrespectful (chewed on food, stickers stuck on things that must be peeled off).  If they have anything outside the kitchen, they bring it in and if they don’t, I ask them to (and then help them if they can’t figure out if the dw is clean or dirty). 

I told him I would respond if he let me speak (he cuts me off and talks over me a lot). He said he would but made it like 4 words and then jumped on top of what I was saying. Why didn't I clean up his stuff.  I said I am neither your mother nor your maid and you are capable of cleaning up. He said he isn't my father and yet he pays for everything, shops (meat from a local butcher) and does his laundry (for the last 5 years of over 30 from the last major meltdown — there are daily and weekly but these are much bigger). Then he asked what I did and I said I take care of his kids, the household.  I said his kids only bc they are his, too, and I was trying to make the point that this should mean something to him (it does to me when he helps the kids). I could see this was going to go around and around and I couldn't do this or any other circular conversations, I’m tired and then I put my headphones in. He yells i bought you those headphones, the kids aren't supposed to be mine (his) and storms out.

I watch tv for a while and then go to sleep. When i get up, the curtains are all wide open again. I close them til the sun comes up. He runs out the door this morning and slams the front door and takes off. I suspect he is going to visit our oldest but theres no money really in the account so he wont get far. But maybe far enough before he realizes. Idk.

I wasn’t expecting a relaxing weekend but was hoping for some peace.

I usually don't get pulled into games — usually it is strictly verbal assaults or rage texts with some crazy things. But by choosing to not engage in that, i instead get pulled into this behavior. Is there a normal-ish place to even exist?

Welcome views from above bc you cant always see clearly in the middle.

Also please forgive typos…I'm so used to autocorrect and it doesn't seem to exist here.  Ive tried to catch where i can but I’m sure I've missed a few!

Thanks for reading and in advance for any replies!

Sorry you’re going through this. It makes sense that you’re stressed and afraid. AND you will be ok 

About the dishes: I really relate to not wanting to be a doormat. At the same time, you can’t out-childish a person with bpd. They’re the best at this and you can’t hope reason will win the day. I often make these mistakes. Just did yesterday in fact. I think it comes back to accepting that your options are what they are.

I’d really love some specific commentary on the 10-day dirty dish escapade and withholding paychecks (its not a second life, but either embarrassment from delay of funds or manipulation to make me unsettled, likely a combination).

Although I think mostly pointless, is there a way to navigate. Ive told him I worry about finances, prefer to work on bills on the weekend when I have time.  It may start with alignment but then seems to become the thing he messes with to get me feeling unsettled.

It’s not the only thing like this,  but maybe the easiest to explain.

Hi ForeverDad, thanks for the reply. I’ll check out the book.

I wish for my family intact and mutual respect with my H.  I know I can’t have it but it’s weird that sometimes I convince myself we can. Or that if just this or just that but it never lasts.

There are so many things over the years. A lot of weird behavior, or reaction and over the years the behaviors got weirder, more controlling and bigger. Saying awful things, rage texting, spiraling on topics and countless circular arguments. I didn't understand for years and in truth, it’s gotten worse, but now i have a better idea whats going on. But not how to manage (or the strength to manage it) or determine if i can take it any longer.

But I'm stick bc I'm just too afraid — if I'm honest much is financial and I’m getting older and if my job isn't secure (company has had a few rough years) I don’t have much skill to fall back on unlike him. That is most of my frozen. That and guilt around my kids.

I’m sure I'm not explaining it well.  It’s hard to put 30+ years of drama in a couple of posts. There is just so much.

Thank you again.

Thanks Pete. I have some idea, my udH is a lawyer who does some divorces over the years. Not his primary focus but he definitely does so I've heard stories.

He tells me all kinds of things — bc I work, he won’t have to pay alimony. I make around 80K and me makes 275-300K, but that includes health insurance which is around 50K, but considered income. The money seems near impossible to max out on until you consider self employment, vacations, just excess without regard. He brings a lot of money so he thinks he can spend a lot but the bills eat it up and we end up with a scary tax bill every year that he also refuses to talk about — at least without raging. It causes me so much anxiety walking on the edge all of the time.  Often he has plans how to take care of bills, but he doesn't tell me so i just get to worry about it. He’s told me he likes me to feel unstable.

I try to discuss but, of course, it doesn't go anywhere unless where he wants it to or he rages or goes in circles.

Weird things — constantly taking credit for things — things that aren't his, things that most people wouldn't mention. But it is always his idea, he said it, he did it but any mere inkling of ill effect and he either flips or blames someone else.

The latest with the dishes was so bizarre. I literally cant get my head around how he could think i am responsible to clean up after him.

We’re not really speaking right now — grey rocking, hence the name. But it’s exhausting and embarrassing.

But I’m really stuck in afraid to take the next step — a lot for the crazy i know is going to come.

I don't have family — a sister far away but were estranged bc of husband. He's in recent years stopped speaking with most of his family.

My job is so busy (unfairly so) that I barely have time during the day to eat or break, I’m exhausted in the evening bc I’m so stressed I don't sleep through the night. It’s a vicious cycle.

I know i need a therapist and to talk to a lawyer that’s not him.

I wish there was some way to fix but i don't know how and cant really survive with someone who not only thinks i need to clean up their dirty mess, but is willing to let me and our kids sit with the moldy mess around us.

Thank you again for your response.

Just got royally raked over the coals.  It's amazing how, after everything I know and can share with others, that still makes me cry. I will say that I didn't get as terribly upset as I have in the past -- so that's good.  But I did get into a little back and forth and did get angry and sad at the same time.  And I got resentful -- which never works out well, because then I participate in the nastiness (at a ratio of about 100: 1, but nonetheless.) It's interesting that once I got myself out of it, it all looked a little different to me -- not that it was less attacking but that I had more sympathy for myself and how hard this has been to handle and also a more sympathy for her -- not that that excuses what was said.

Sigh.  Be well, all. 

Having a new baby changes the attention dynamics in the family. When each parent is emotionally mature, they can accept that a new baby requires a lot of attention. However, for your wife- your attention to the baby can feel like less for her. This isn't something to change- the baby is the one who needs care and you can't neglect the infant's needs- but it may be a contribution to the increase in your wife's BPD behavior.

Reading your post, I wonder if it's when you are holding the baby and attending to her that your wife "pushes your buttons"? Even if this is felt by you as a negative, it shifts your attention back to your wife. This is a reinforcer for the behavior to continue. If you don't react, she might escalate it.

I don't have advice on how to manage this but perhaps it gives you some insight to the situation. It may help to read about the Karpman triangle dynamics.  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
From my own perspective, pwBPD are in victim position. The previous dynamic between you and your wife may have been you as rescuer, in an emotional caretaker position, and her as victim, receiving that emotional care. However for an infant, the actual need of care is real. The baby is completely dependent on adults for her well being, and yet to someone with BPD- your wife may be feeling the shift emotionally as you deliberately not attending to her.

Also, often the insults are projections of her own insecurities and more about her and you.You may be the more competent caretaker for the baby. While it's understandable you may be feeling resentful at having to carry more of the work of parenting- it's actually what your baby needs- it's for the baby. That may not make the load easier but may ease some of the resentment for you.

Hello,

I just popped back up on these boards as I haven't been on them in a while.  Back in 2013 I caught my wife (pwbpd) in an affair with my neighbor.  She immediately abandoned me and our 2 sons, then 13 & 8.  It was very difficult at first but my saving grace (after my faith in Jesus) was my education I received on these boards.  I learned to take my focus off of that which was out of my control (my wife and her per choices and bad behavior) and to focus on the only thing in my control (My behaviors and my ministering to my hurting sons).  Slowly BUT STEADILY I was able to rebuild my life as a full time single dad and to move forward in an emotionally healthy way.

I know it may seem hard and painful in this early stage as it's all probably a shock to the system.  But stay strong, Live one day at a time and even  one moment at a time when necessary.  Don't try to suppress the tears when they come as they serve a purpose in your healing.  I also went to a group called Divorce Care with like these boards very instrumental in setting me free!!  You can do this!!

Sincerely,
MWC
Romans 8:28