I want to point out something- not as a criticism- because I did it myself and when someone pointed this out to me- I understood it better and was able to make some changes.

It's triangulation. Read about the Karpman triangle dynamics.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This is a common pattern in relationships in dysfunctional families. Your sister is the one with BPD but this situation involves all members of the family who may take on different roles in the triangle. It's so much a part of the family dynamics that people aren't aware of what they are doing- it's the normal in that family.

The pwBPD is in Victim perspective. Other family members may be rescuers or persecutors. People can change roles depending on the situation.

One way this plays out is- your sister is upset over something you did or didn't do (it may not even be anything, just how she thinks)  (Victim) vents to your mother. You are in Persecutor position. Mother takes on Rescuer.

Or you say something to your niece. Niece tells her mother (your sister). Keep in mind, sister is in Victim perspective. Sister perceives you as Persecutor, vents to other family members who then align with her as Rescuer.

There's no way to change another person's thinking. What your sister does isn't OK and it's not fair. Defending yourself to another family member puts you on the "triangle" too as they now have to choose your "truth" or hers.

Mothers don't really want to "choose" between their children. Family members also don't want to be in a position to choose. They may "default" enable the child with dysfunction, perhaps because they want to keep the peace overall and that child is the more difficult one. It isn't fair but families with disorder try to maintain balance in some way.

A valuable way of looking at this pattern in the family is to see it as a pattern and not personal to you. It will be less hurtful to you if you see it this way.

Another value to understanding this is to see that it doesn't change the situation for the better. One part of this pattern is that when someone jumps into the triangle, it's a no win situation, it ends up with you being the one your sister sees as Persecutor.

My approach to this was to work at not getting involved in the triangle dynamics. It's a hard concept to see and understand at first but one step for me was to not speak to a family member about another family member with the hope of gaining their support for my point of view. This doesn't mean not talking to them about your feelings or a situation but to do so with keeping your clarity about your intentions in mind.  I also kept in mind that whatever I said to a family member was possibly going to be shared with BPD mother.

I think it's good that you spoke to your mother about your feelings- you did this not to triangulate but to keep the connection with her. This was not Karmpan triangle. This way she can understand your situation. However, she still may not wish to take sides and will listen to both you and your sister.

I understand the fear of "losing" relationships with family members. BPD mother also said things about me to other people that weren't true. Some of them believed her, and took her side. I felt that if I told them a different story, they'd have to see that one of us wasn't telling the truth. They may not believe me or it would appear I was talking badly about my mother.

I did grieve over the loss of connection with some family members but also thought- can we really lose something that wasn't there to begin with? If the cost of a relationship with someone is to appease my BPD family member, if I am fearful of what they think of me- is that really a relationship based on the kind of connection I want?

When around family members like this, I was polite and cordial. However, I also accepted their own relationship limits and dynamics. Maybe they were doing the best they can. Sometimes there's more than one dysfunctional person in a family.

However you do have your own "village". You have a fiance who loves and supports you and you have step children. Of course you want your family in your life to the extent they can be, or that you can manage. It's possible that NC with your sister is the best way for you to do that. Other family members will make their choices too. Your fiance chose you.

Just got some nasty texts after a short period of little contact and some notable shifts in my thinking.  Still not the best feeling in the world, but I feel so much lighter than I usually do after these attacks.  I'm not engaging.  I know the situation is not my fault.  And I know my boundaries are right for me. And I'm not freaking out -- such a relief.

Sums it up perfectly.. and it's a real breakthrough on the road to healing when we finally realise that all our 'what if' thoughts wouldn't have changed a thing - even if by doing things differently we would have succeeded in defusing one situation, only for our BPD partner to simply switch onto something else with which to blame and abuse us.  It's what they do and is the nature of their illness.

We can do a million things 'right' for them, but they will always come up with some way we 'failed' them. Took me 4 years to realise that I simply couldn't win but I'm glad I did eventually see it and it helped me give up on a pointless and toxic relationship, with my conscience totally clear.

Hi there,

I remember your story, and I'm pretty sure I would have replied to you that isolation from family is a red line for me.  I've noticed that pwBPD and BPD traits can try to isolate people from family and friends, in a misguided attempt to control and reclaim attention.  But my opinion is that this is abusive.  Sure, the pwBPD might concoct a narrative in support of isolation, such as describing a family member as toxic, or accusing you of being disloyal.  But you know that's not true.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take the kids to see grandma.  Maybe grandma stays in a hotel nearby, and the kids see her there.  Maybe you organize a long weekend away.  Your wife will probably have a hissy fit, but I'd say, let her have one.  In my opinion, enduring a hissy fit would be worth it to me, because I get to visit with family.

In the meantime, if your wife is passive-aggressive over missing out on the free trip, then let her.  Her choice, her consequences. 

It's wonderful you're doing so well in your life.  I imagine that the icing on the cake would be to have a normal relationship with your sister, and, by extension, your parents as well.  But here's the thing--the better you're doing, the more jealous your sister is probably going to be.  That's because, when you're happy, you're basically reminding your sister that she is not.  Her reactions are BPD-style:  to put you and your fiance down, to accuse you of things you didn't do, to blame you, to lash out and "punish" you, to create drama so that your sister can reclaim the center of attention for herself, all in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  The claim that you compel your sister drink in your presence sounds like classic BPD blame-shifting to me. 

As for your parents, they see their daughter suffering, and they probably expect you to be the "bigger person" and make things right.  Unfortunately, the tradition in the family system is for you to take a hit, in the name of keeping your sister stable.  That can happen in many families, where attention, resources and help always seem to gravitate to the neediest child.  I think that's because parents are only as happy as their unhappiest child, and they are wired to try to help and protect their children.  Alas, with untreated BPD, your sister's needs are extreme, a bottomless pit.  And so the family "system" is dysfunctional, unfair and deeply engrained.  I imagine you were let down because your family didn't seem able to celebrate your happy engagement news with you.  Just know it's not because you're undeserving . . . it's because your sister, and by extension, the family just can't handle that sort of thing. 

At the end of the day, this family dynamic isn't just unfair, but it's adversely affecting you with "mental torture."  I wouldn't want to see you not live your best life in the name of "managing" your sister's unmanageable emotions.  My advice would be for you to continue on your path of making a wonderful life for yourself.  I like the advice of another poster not to reveal too many personal details to your sister, and possibly to your parents, because that only fuels the ongoing jealousy and dysfunction.  I understand you probably want a deeper, "normal" relationship, but that is probably not possible with untreated BPD.  A superficial, lower-contact relationship might enable you to reach a calmer place.  You can find deeper relationships elsewhere, such as your soon-to-be husband and bonus kids.

I realise how crazy this all sounds, but we really do have a real connection, she has my name tattooed on her and I wore her an entire book. when its good its very very good

Il give a full context of the relationship so far.

I was in a 5-year on/off relationship with a woman who I believe quiet BPD.. The relationship was extremely intense. both emotionally and physically. When it was good, it was the best I’ve ever experienced. When it was bad, it was genuinely damaging.

We broke up once before earlier last year. That breakup was messy but not violent. She moved away, we went long distance, and for about 3 months she was very cold, avoidant, and I now know she was talking to other men and not being honest with me. Eventually she ghosted me completely.

I reached back out after a 6 week long period of no contact, and slowly we re-established communication. It was very light at first, practical messages, then a bit of warmth. I didn’t push too hard. Eventually I sent her something quite meaningful (a book I wrote about us, and that triggered a full emotional reconnection. She came back strongly, said she loved me, and we got back together.

When we got back together, things felt amazing again at first. Very loving, very connected, very intense. But the underlying issues never really went away.

There were a few major problems:

I always had a gut feeling something wasn’t right, especially around her interactions with other men (including her boss).

She was very good at explaining things in a way that made me doubt myself

There were periods of intense love, followed by distance, coldness, or strange behaviour

My anxiety got worse over time, especially at night. I started getting mini panic attacks just as I was falling asleep

The biggest rupture before the end was when I saw her phone. It confirmed a lot of my suspicions, she had been talking to other men, saying things about me that weren’t true, and generally not being honest. That completely broke my trust.

Despite that, I stayed. The next 5 months were honestly torture. I loved her deeply, but I didn’t know what was real anymore. She could be incredibly loving and sweet, but I had this constant confusion in my head.

Then everything escalated recently.

We had an argument after I had been drinking and I brought up something that made her jealous. It spiralled quickly. She became physical first (hit me), and I reacted badly. I grabbed her by the throat (not choking, but enough to scare her), called her names, and threw her to the ground. I left the house straight after because I didn’t like what was happening and I didn’t trust myself in that moment.

She texted me saying she wanted to love in my house for 2 moths without me interfering and because of how badly I treat her I should allow that. she also said I strangled her first which was a lie and thats why she hit me but im 100% certain that was not the case, I was sitting on the sofa and she was standing up when the attack began. she said also in the text she was scared of me. which is insane ive never ever dont anything intimidating to her. also this was the first time she has ever played hands on me.

I made the stupid decision to drive drunk and got arrested. While I was in custody, I found out she had also been arrested. The police asked if I wanted to press charges and I refused. They did however remove her from my home (where she had lived the 5 month we were back together. and 4 years in the previous relationship.

After that, I sent her a long message taking accountability for my part, explaining what happened from my side, and essentially saying goodbye. I didn’t blame her, but I did acknowledge both of our issues. She read it and didn’t reply.

Since then, there’s been no contact (I’m currently about a week into no contact).

She’s back in London now and posting on social media like nothing happened. Mostly aesthetic stuff, some sad/void-type reposts, but nothing directly about me.

What I’m struggling with is:

I know the relationship was unhealthy and even dangerous at the end

I know there was lying, manipulation, and physical escalation

But I still feel a very strong pull toward her

I keep thinking about getting her back, even though logically I know it might not be right

Last time we got back together after about 3–4 (1.5 total no contact) months of space and a careful re-entry from me. This time feels more severe.

I’m currently doing therapy and working on myself, my codependence and anxious attachment style.

Id like to open up contact again. and explain my healing journey and say I would be open to a slow controlled reconnection if she was willing to get therapy.

Am I being delusional thinking this could be repaired again? Or is there a realistic path if handled correctly?

Im wondering how long to wait until I make contact. im ghosted but not blocked. im thinking 3 months but that might be too long. however this was way more severe and I think she has bale conditions not to contact me but I have no idea how long for. this time I dont have the advantage of the book or anything like that. does anyone have any idea how I could reconnect?

It's hard when someone has behaviors that remind us of our mother. I've also had this experience. Sometimes the person is like my mother but sometimes they have a similarity in some way but aren't like her- yet it feels like they are.

I also would be feeling uncomfortable hearing the neighbor banging around. I think a quick relief would be noise blocking headphones, and also a sound machine when she starts doing this. A chain lock so she can't somehow come into your place, and you feel safe inside.

You could ponder whether you could make concessions.  You could assure her that you would always be with the children.  For whatever reason - probably dealing with her childhood FOO - she doesn't trust your family.

That is not uncommon.  My then-spouse feared abductors were lurking behind every bush and eventually cast my own elderly parents as abusers even though they too were in their 80's.  It kept getting worse until about a year or two later our marriage failed and then the court - the Real Authority - stepped in and set a schedule (boundary) where her parenting time was hers and my parenting time was mine.

It's an irrational fear but you're unlikely to fully convince her by reason and logic enough to totally set that perception aside.  But perhaps just enough...

The disordered neighbor is right now sweeping and banging around in the HOA storage space adjacent to my house where my sand bags are stored. I realize now she reminds me of my mother with BPD who would go on these mad cleaning binges. My mother would do something like burst into my bedroom without knocking, demand I immediately sweep the garage, get mad it did not happen immediately, do it herself and then berate me for not doing it. It feels so uncomfortable being in my house and hear her banging around outside. I avoided her today which is really my only choice. Soon I will hopefully have my peace again once she is done. Right now I feel angry. She just lives too close to me and is so obsessed with controlling the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. The other neighbors have fewer problems with her as they live further away. She is elderly and deteriorating mentally. I have to remind myself things do eventually change. She will not be my neighbor forever.