Anyway I feel the need for some input on helping her financially. The thought of it makes me feel resentful but then another side of me knows how sick she is etc.
Hi again,
I'm glad to help put some things in perspective, even if you probably know most of the themes already.
I highlighted above a key word in you post, which is "resentful." That's a sign that you have gone above and beyond to help your dear daughter, but she's probably squandering your help, treating you badly because of it, or both. It's also a hint that you are probably trying harder to turn your daughter's life around than she is. Does that sound about right? I'd say, that even though your daughter is extremely hampered by her intense emotions and negative thinking, that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you badly. And it doesn't give her an excuse to give up on her life, either. If you give her money which she sqanders when she's not working on herself, you're basically rewarding and perpetuating dysfunction, while depleting your own resources. Your daughter might mistakenly think that if she had your money, things would get better for her, and she rationalizes it by blaming you--she feels entitled to your money as compensation for her horrible upbringing. But money won't cure her, and you know it. Unfortunately, you can't buy your daughter's love, and you can't buy a cure for BPD either. Trust me on this.
There's a fine line between support and enablement, and that's a line that many parents here struggle in establishing. Oftentimes it can seem like financial support is getting in the way, such as by perpetuating negative daily habits (e.g. substance use disorder, long-term unemployment, not adhering to a budget). But other times, financial support can help your pwBPD get on a path towards making a better life for herself. Sometimes financial support manages parents' feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (the "FOG"), because a parent can't bear to see their kid living "on the streets." I guess my litmus test is: Is the pwBPD generally doing what she's supposed to be doing, i.e. heading in the right direction, and the extra financial support helps lift her up to get to a better place? Conversely, is the financial support enabling her to quit her life and hate everyone in the process?
My general advice regarding financial support is not to destroy your finances in the vain attempt to "save" your daughter. If you are working long-term so that she doesn't have to, then I'd say, you have to stop sending her money. I'd also say, don't send her any money that you can't afford. Sacrificing yourself will NOT save your daughter. Don't let her dysfunction take you down with her. Since you have another daughter and grandchildren, you can think of things this way: if you redirect most of your retirement resources to your dysfunctional BPD daughter, then who is going to help you when your money runs out? You will probably become a financial burden to your non-BPD daughter, and you wouldn't want to do that. So give your non-BPD daughter and your grandkids that gift, of not becoming financially dependent on them. In the process, you avoid creating family-wide resentments. Because if you spend most of your retirement money on your BPD daughter, you'd be "rewarding" dysfunction, while penalizing the daughter who has been nothing but good to you.
Look, just because your daughter has BPD, it doesn't mean she's incapable of learning to budget. If you constantly rescue her from her poor decisions, then she'll never learn how the real financial world works. If she doesn't learn now, then what will she do when you're gone? One approach you could use is to ensure your daughter has skin in the game. If she needs a car, you could help with a car payment, as long as your daughter pays for a meaningful part of it. Ditto with housing or anything, really. Another approach is to slow down the parental ATM, and wean your daughter off it. If your daughter asks for money for the emergency du jour, your default response is, "Let me think about it / let me talk with my spouse first." You buy yourself some time, at least a week. Give your daughter some time and space to figure out how to manage her finances! And it's perfectly OK to say No, or No, I don't have any money to spare, or No, I have to wait until next month when I get Social Security. Now, upon hearing No, your daughter is likely to have a conniption fit and hurl insults your way. Just know that that is called an "extintion burst," an amping up of the lashing-out routine that previously worked for your daughter.
If you can't bear to see your grandson suffer, and if your BPD daugher is squandering the money that you do send her, then one suggestion would be to provide support in kind, rather than in cash. That might look like having food sent directly to her home. Or maybe offering free babysitting (which I imagine you were providing in the past), and preparing meals for your grandson in person, with provisions you bring with you. That way, at least you know your money is being spent the way you intended.
As for encouraging your dear daughter to get therapy, I think I'd stay away from that topic for now. All your daughter will hear is that you don't love her, that you think something's wrong with her, or that you think she's nuts, when she's convinced that YOU are the problem. My guess is that since you've supported her so much over the years, she's convinced that YOU are ruining her life, and that she has nothing to do with it. That narrative is actually key to her identity. She's clinging to the victim mentality like her life depends on it, and in a perverse way, it probably does . . . because if she's not the poor, traumatized kid, then who is she really? In other words, your daughter isn't "ready" for therapy. Alas, she probably won't be "ready" until she hits bottom, when therapy is the only remaining option to make her life better. For as long as she has you around, she'll blame you for everything, while you finance her lifestyle. Though she's miserable, she's not miserable enough to change the status quo, because the status quo is "working" for her.
If you pull back for a while, my guess is your daughter will try to find someone else to take care of her--a boyfriend, maybe another family member. My guess is that finding a "replacement caregiver" is increasingly hard for your daughter, because she's getting older, and she has a special-needs kid in tow. But when that fails, she'll be back. I don't see this as being too pessimistic, but just realistic, if your daughter isn't getting therapy.
Just my two cents. Hope that perspective helps.