What type of relationship are you in?
 I am a mother of 2 and stepmother of 2. My 22 year old daughter has BPD.
 
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
I believe her father may have BPD or Bi-polar disorder
 
What is your child's strongest quality?
 intelligent

 What are the top challenges your child is facing?
 She had a baby at 17 and is currently raising her without the father in the picture. She will not stock with her medication.
 
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
 She has never accepted my fiancé since her father and I divorced 13 years ago. In the beginning she was included in everything and every time we would do something all together she would find a way to try and ruin it. She was very physical with me for the first 5 or 6 years and over the last year I have had to step back for my own mental health.
 
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
 Diagnosed
 
What do you struggle with yourself?
 I feel guilty like I wasn't a good mom and I don't know if I am doing the right thing by stepping back.
 
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
 If so, what types?
 She is in therapy
I am seeing a psychotherapist and using CBT
 
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
To not feel so alone and to finally have some support
 

Hi there,

I'm sorry your sibling isn't treating you right.  As for why you put up with it, I suspect you are a kind and loving person.  In normal relationships, you'd expect some reciprocation, but if your BPD sibling isn't getting therapy, chances are they are all take and no give.  Rationally, you know that the relationship feels one-sided, and yet you still crave a "normal" relationship, because it's family.  Logically, you know you have self-worth, and you should be able to step back if you're being abused.  But it's really hard to step back when it comes to family, especially if you share living quarters.  Moreover, chances are that the family system is expecting you to always be the bigger person, to always offer your love, help and support--and you want to please the other family members, too.  You probably grew up with the expectation of playing that role.

Look, even in healthy families, there can be inordinate pressure to help the "favorite" child, or the "neediest" child, and that happens sometimes.  But what doesn't make sense is that your sacrifice, kind-heartedness and support comes at the expense of your own general well-being.  You deserve to have a life too, you know.  Sometimes you have to realize that nobody else has your back, and you have to protect yourself.  Sure it may be sad to come to that realization, but it's often true.  You don't necessarily have to be mean about it erecting some healthy boundaries for yourself.  You just have to decide to prioritize your own well-being for once.  Sure, others are used to you bending over backwards to accommodate your BPD sibling.  But you're allowed to take a break.  You don't have to explain, just do it.  You are worth it.  Does that make sense?

Look, if you on the verge of mental collapse, you're probably not even thinking straight.  Here we often say that people are operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Alas, that's typical when it comes to a close family member with untreated BPD.  You are not to blame for that, so you can let go of the guilt!  If you need therapy, go ahead and get it.  If you need a break, take it!  You don't have to justify it, just do it--stop responding to mean texts, stop sending money, stop visiting your sibling who treats you badly, stop bailing them out.  Usually I advise others on these boards to think of it as being a role model for what a healthy adult's life looks like.  You focus on your general well-being, and that includes getting control of finances, taking care of your own family, taking care of your home environment, cultivating friendships, eating right, getting therapy if you need it.  That way, you're in a healthy, balanced and calm place.  Trust me, your sibling needs Calm, Cool and Collected Wantmorepeace, not a frazzled, reactive, stressed-out, resentful sibling on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Should you decide to interact with your disordered sibling again, maybe some of your healthy habits will rub off on them.

For me, I think it's so common to want to help others.  It's a great trait to have most of the time and I do not regret helping anyone however I can.

However, when we're talking about the BPDs in my life, they don't see my giving for what it truly is.  Because I used to do it often, it was seen by them as an obligation for all the ways I've hurt them in this world.  So the more I gave, the more they expected and it ensured that I could never do enough for either of them.

Why?  Because my time, money, support, and generosity can't fix what's actually wrong.  The problem here is mental illness and disordered thinking, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that.

While I can't change those relationships, I can change my way of thinking and accept that I'm not in control, I can't fix things, and my best path forward is to meet them with compassion WITHOUT trying to save them from the world.

It was one of the hardest lessons of my life, but their burdens are not my burdens anymore.  I'm happy to talk all day but when it comes to fixing, the best they get these days is an ear to listen and practical advice.  What they do with that is up to them...it's just not my problem anymore.

Lately, I've come to appreciate how hugely outsized and irrational my guilt and fear relative to my uBPD sibling are.  I know that there are people out there who would never put up with what I put up with.  And I also know from reading threads here that I'm not the only person letting themselves be treated this way to the point of mental collapse.  Why are we this way?

Hello and welcome to the forum.  My experiences have been very similar with my BPD daughter- she'd ask for money while blaming everything bad in her life on me.  The answer I personally found was that money does not fix problems for people who are bad with money.  Like you said, it's never enough and there's always need.

I finally cut my daughter off about three years ago, and she acted like the world had ended.  For the first time ever, she was going to pay for her cell phone and car insurance...and I wondered how that was possible since she spends every penny she makes right after getting paid.  But to my surprise, she had insurance and a new cell plan within hours.

Why?  Because she had no other choice.

Around that time, something changed for me as well because I realized that her problems were not my burdens.  I couldn't fix anything in her life and as long as I was supporting her, she'd never learn finance.  My help, while coming from the right place, was being turned into enablement and manipulation for giving even more.

Mt heart breaks for you and the twin boys, but that's simply not your burden to carry.  If you're worried about them going hungry, then make sure they know that they're always welcome for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Maybe your daughter says no, but at least that's something you can control.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.  It's incredibly tough regardless.

My BPD mother called my H and my in laws saying things about me in the context of "her being so concerned". None of what she said was true.

Why would she do this? It was at a time she was angry at me, I had set boundaries. This could potentially reflect on how people perceived her- and being a loving wife and mother was part of that perception. People don't need to have boundaries with their mother if this was the case.

By saying negative things about me to people- she sets the stage for them already thinking I am the reason for the issue, not her. In case I spoke to them about the situation, the validity of what I said would be in question.

Why would your wife be saying these things to people, even family? Because divorce isn't secret and people will know that something went wrong in the marriage. If she doesn't want people thinking it's because of her, saying these things about you, puts the reason on you.

How can saying you had a gay affair leave the possibility for reconcilliation? These are in the moment statements. I don't think she's thinking of all the consequences for later.

Hi Duggingen,



Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m glad you found your way here, though I’m sorry for what brought you in.

You’ll find that many members here can relate to what you’re going through. A lot of us have been in similar shoes and understand how exhausting and painful it can feel.

That feeling of “nothing is ever enough” can really wear a person down. Especially when you’re trying to help and it keeps coming back as criticism. That’s a tough place to be.

One thing many of us have had to come to terms with is that love and support don’t always land the way we hope when someone is overwhelmed or struggling. It doesn’t mean what you’re doing has no value. It just means it may not change the reaction you’re getting.

At some point, it becomes less about finding the “right amount” to give, and more about figuring out what you can give in a way that you can sustain without it costing you your health or your marriage.

You’re carrying a lot right now. You don’t have to solve it all at once.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents here feel exhausted from the strain of supporting their adult children with BPD, all the while they feel blamed for the utter chaos.  I think some key features of untreated BPD are a victim attitude, entitlement, misplaced anger, volatile emotions and unstable relationships.  Another key feature is abdicating responsibility for her life.  Since your daughter probably feels constantly traumatized and victimized, she thinks that other people are the cause of all her problems, and she uses up most of her mental bandwidth blaming them, raging and acting out.  That's why I think a negative attitude and victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her life.  That means, she's blaming YOU, practically full time, while it seems she does nothing to improve her situation.  Does that ring true?

You ask, how do you love someone who can't appreciate what you do for them?  I think you love them when you realize that you're not to blame whatsoever for the situation . . . and you don't take her insults personally.  I think you realize that with untreated BPD, daily life feels like an unending series of traumas, and what you're seeing is a trauma-like, fight or flight response from your daughter.  I think you empathize with the plight of your daughter as a single mom with two young special-needs kids; she's under a lot of stress, and with BPD, the stress feels super-sized, and she's taking it out on her family.  I think you love her more when you realize that whatever you do isn't wholly for her, but for you.  Maybe your daughter thinks that $5,000 in assistance this last month is a joke, but you and I know that's not the case at all.  On the one hand, my guess is that your daughter has no concept of how hard somebody has to work to earn $5,000 net of taxes.  But YOU know how hard you worked, and that's what really matters.  Your daughter probably has no clue about your finances, nor what you can afford to give to someone else, but YOU do.  You understand what $5,000 can buy, and that might include food, clothes and medications for your grandkids.

Anyway, my guess is that your daughter isn't happy right now, and she's taking it out mostly on you.  I bet she's unhappy with the housing provided for free by her brother, and she doesn't really value the health insurance, because she feels entitled to it, and she's probably never had to buy it for herself.  An unfortunate reality for many BPD adult children is that, because the family system has over-functioned for her--out of love and in the name of keeping her stable--she remains relatively clueless about how the real world works.  She's not only overwhelmed by adult daily routines, such as paying bills, taking care of the home front, managing appointments, childcare and such, but she's also relatively inexperienced, and she's probably afraid of looking "stupid," lest she be "exposed" for her general lack of knowledge.  Things like filing taxes, paying medical bills, buying insurance, etc. are completely overwhelming for her.  Since others in the family have over-functioned for her in these areas, she's left feeling not only incompetent, but also dependent and powerless.  My guess is that she RESENTS you for making her feel this way, and that deep down she probably feels like a loser.  That's not a nice feeling.

As for financial boundaries, I think you have to figure out what you care to give, what you can afford to give, and what the conditions are for any assistance you provide.  You have to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if she puts you into financial ruin, right alongside herself.  Since there are innocent grandchildren involved, I might advise giving assistance in kind, rather than cash, if you think your daughter isn't spending the money as you intended.  Maybe you buy the kids' medications directly yourself.  Maybe you have groceries sent directly to her address.  She probably won't like this if she prefers to spend all your money on non-essentials for herself, but your post was relatively short, so it's hard to advise.  You might also consider conditioning your support on your daughter getting ongoing therapy, or doing other things to get her life on track.

Look, you're right, no amount you give will ever seem to be enough to your daughter.  For as long as she is untreated for BPD, her needs will be endless.  So you have to decide how much you are willing to give, and in what form.  She is an adult, you are not obligated to give her anything at all.

One way I've come around to thinking about this is differentiating between support and enablement.  I think support is when your daughter is generally doing what she should be doing (e.g. taking care of children, getting some therapy, maybe working part-time, helping out at home, treating others with respect), and you provide assistance to lift her up.  But enablement is when your daughter is generally NOT doing what she should be doing, while you reward her with money and support, and so enable an unhealthy, unsustainable status quo.  Here I try to emphasize actions over moods and words, because I personally can take plenty of petulance and passive-aggressiveness if the pwBPD in my life is actually DOING things she's supposed to be doing.  What do you think more accurately describes your situation?

I hope that perspective helps a little.  Please feel free to share more.  I'm sure many readers here can relate.

Thanks again for your support. I am so appreciative of your comments. To the question of whether she is in therapy- thankfully that’s a ‘yes’. She has been seeing a psychologist for about 10 years. She goes about twice a month. And yes I am also grateful that she has some contact with my son. Sadly her father passed away 7 years ago, her maternal grandmother the year after, and then her paternal grandmother the year after that. She was close to all three. That’s why I feel especially sad about the distance I have from her. She doesn’t have any other close family member to connect with. Over the last few years she has connected with some cousins on my side of the family. I hope that continues. I hope it’s enough to help her stay afloat.

I'm a grandfather and father dealing with what I believe is my adult daughter's undiagnosed BPD/NPD. She's a single mother of twin 6-year-old boys with special needs who are each on three psychiatric medications with minimal oversight. Today I sent her $1,000 on top of the $4,000 I gave her at the start of March — on top of her brother providing free housing and health insurance. Within hours she told me my support was "a joke" and that I want her to "drown." She's accumulated $27,000 in debt in six months while I've been trying to help. I've lost weight, my marriage is strained, and tonight I feel used, heartbroken, and helpless. I can't cut her off because my grandchildren are in the middle of this. I can't give enough because no amount is ever enough. How do families survive this? How do you love someone who cannot see what you're doing for them and may never be able to?