I forgot to mention that this may be the time to start keeping records of any texts or email messages between you and your husband, especially if things are going badly.
If you read other threads you'll see that when it comes to actual seperations, the BPD can 'play dirty' when they get desperate - making false statements and accusations, etc.

Usually it's the non-BPD male partner who suffers from the female BPD making false  accusations as authorities are always more likely to blame the man for any incidents but the reverse can apply too.

Hopefully things will go relatively smoothly without major drama but alway remember you're dealing with someone who has no rules to follow so protect yourself at all times anf try and keep proof what was said and done.

Hi NTWMaver
It sure is a difficult and anxious time for you. One thing strikes me - you say 'again' and it has prompted a few questions in my mind.

How often has this happened and how long has your DD remained apart? How did it resolve?

I wondering about patterns. When I became aware of my DD's pattern it was very helpful.

Hope you don't mind the questions.

I was out of town for several weeks. A woman who walks in the same park as I do on a regular basis had been talking to me about her problems. I listened and tried to be nice. When I returned from vacation, I saw her two times and was unavailable to talk with her as I was busy catching up with someone else, so I just said hello. The third time I ran into her, I was walking with another person, introduced her to this person. She got mad, said "I thought I was number one with you." then proceeded to start to tell me some gossip. She never acknowledged the person I introduced her to. I walked away with the other person.

I now know I am in for it. She had previously shared with me for several months how angry she was with this married man who tried to go out with her. I now feel she is likely borderline, and mistakes relationships for being much closer than they actually are. I am sure to be targeted for a smear campaign.

I take responsibility for having extremely poor boundaries with her. I listened to her telling me things like she had been sexually molested as a child. I listened to her gossip about this married man who is extremely angry with her, who no longer speaks to me.

All of this is a reenactment of my listening to my mother with BPD for hours on end, telling me all kinds of inappropriate things in which the conversation was one long one sided rant. Time to get back to working on my boundaries while weathering the discomfort of regularly running into her on my daily walk in the park.

Pete, I feel I have to interject here, because you've touched on one of my all-time most despised pet peeves:  being accused of something I haven't even done (yet).  The pwBPD traits in my life went through a phase of accusing me of futuristic events:  You're going to ruin this, you're going to anger me, you're just going to b* anyway so I'm not doing the favor you asked me, etc.  It occurred so often that I found myself repeating:  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  (Exit stage left).  It's like they assume the worst for every scenario imaginable and enjoy getting riled up over fantasy.  You're absolutely right, it's part of the victim narrative that they are creating.  There's some delusional thinking too. 

No need to apologise. Yes, I probably need to keep it to practical arrangements only. It's like how I'd imagine coming off an addictive substance would be - one day at a time! I have refrained from contacting him today.

I appreciate all your support!

Sorry, that was poor wording on my part - in the case of still being married or with children and joint commitments of course you can't just break off completely. I meant 'no contact' in the sense of not wanting to keep the relationship going while sorting out joint responsibilities.

I think I was fortunate in my case that we didn't live together, had no children or any financial dependancy upon each other, so it was possible to make a clinical and clean break.

Marriage counselors often have a no secrets policy which includes being upfront about what the goals of both spouses are. Many times, one spouse's goal is to end the marriage in the best way possible, and it undermines the therapy if this spouse does not make this clear from the beginning in the presence of the other spouse and counselor. Marriage counselors can be very helpful if the agendas of both spouses are clear from the very beginning. The no secrets policy involves the counselor being clear that whatever one spouse shares in private with the marriage counselor will be shared with the other spouse if it will undermine the counseling and would be interpreted as an unfair alliance of the counselor with one spouse.

I must admit I lost count of how many relationships this woman had this past year and how often she jumped into and out of your life.  Her life is in a constant turmoil, even when we exclude her cutting herself, alcoholism, late night distresses, etc.  That she says she's aware of it is to some extent a good sign, however that in no way proves whether she is actually recovering.  The fact remains that recovery is a process - potentially a long process - and is not an event.

At this point you need to Accept that you really and truly can't help her.  Maybe she might recover eventually, maybe not.  She is messed up but still an adult and has her own life to live.  To your credit, you at least tried.  Now this advice applies that we hear every time we fly on an airplane... "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others."

I would suggest you consult or interview attorneys first, of course privately and confidentially as with your other preparations.  Then you can ponder the legal advice, cautions and strategies.  They will know the local laws, processes, courts and likely outcomes far better than you.  You may get a sense with one that you would be more comfortable and served better.  You don't have to hire (retain) the first one you meet.

Speaking of separation is perfectly fine and appropriate.  The last thing you want is a huge incident.  Stair stepping into it is wise.


It is commonly said that the highest risks of DV, claimed DV or an incident/conflict are during or soon after separation.  You can control your actions, reactions and overreactions but the ex likely can't or won't.  It is wise to have someone nearby and available for support (or rescue) since pwBPD might restrain themselves, somewhat, if they realize they're not in a private scenario.

In some rare cases members decided it was so dicey they let the court's process server deliver the notice of divorce proceedings.  As noted by PeteWitsend, no matter how nicely you intend to approach it, it likely won't go well.  So Goal #1 is to protect yourself both in the moment and later with the legal processes.

Be ready to exit promptly, especially if the situation unravels or police are threatened.  There is little benefit to stay in the moment and JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Later on you can arrange times and places to discuss details and development when the other might be calmer.  (Before, during and even after my separation & divorce I recorded our "interactions" - quietly and on the down-low - just in case so I would document that I wasn't the one behaving badly or aggressively.  My ex knew how to pose as a "victim".)

Please don't have such discussions while either one of you is driving a vehicle.  The roads demand full attention.


There is a possibility that suggesting a therapist might in itself trigger her.  Many pwBPD are in Denial and either refuse or soon quit therapy efforts.

Also, one common goal of marriage counselors is to repair the marriage.  It appears you've concluded that the marriage can't be repaired sufficiently for you to stay.  However, being willing to involve therapists or counselors is a good start at the beginning.  Who knows?  As unrealistic as it seems, she might benefit from the therapy approach even when the marriage will end.

Don't agonize too much over doing the "right" thing when ending it, or over ending it the "right" way.  Do what you have to do to protect yourself and give yourself the best path forward.

If your soon-to-be-ex is BPD, they will not respect you any more if you try to let them down easy, or behave more honorably, or whatever.  Take it from me, they will bad mouth you & lie about you the same way if you disappear in the middle of the night, or end it via a face-to-face discussion.