First a little history for context.  Please bear with me, but I think it's important.  My ex an I met in 2021 through online common community in a hobby we both liked.  After 6 months of talking and getting to know each other, and yes flirting, I decided to drive down to her in 2022.  In which we started officially started dating.  I originally went down there with not knowing if casual or hookup or serious or what it would be, but after meeting, I saw a woman I truly liked and respected, and while intamacy was present pretty quick, I actually restrained from full act and an offer because 2 reasons, I respected her more than a temp fling and it felt wrong, hard to explain but like she was acting like that's what I wanted vs truly wanting to be intimate.  Anyways, the 1st year was great, but by by 2023 things were already getting confusing for me.  I went to see her again, fell in love because we shared deeper emotional talks and times at places like hobby stores, town square, and innocent late nights at park.  I also met family for first time, in which I told her I was nervous and it be awkward.  Yet, when I was meeting family, she wasn't by my side, she hid in bedroom with the dogs listening to music while I sat alone at table.  She stayed in house when we all went outside.  I felt alone, yet took blame when she said I was very awkward that night when we left early.  Later that year, she told me a story of a friend very close to her and her family dying, including funeral pics.  I discovered all fake, and when I brought this fakeness up she doubled down and got really upset.  I dropped it.  I rented a house near her in 2024, brought my dog down, and we spent over a week in house.  I provided a dinner for just her dad and us.  Again, she hid playing and staying occupied with dog, while I got to know her father and we talked, plus he told me he had a dark past he regrets in his youth and that he appreciated me looking out for his daughter.   Later that year I visited again, for she would not come to me even with job loss and no place of her own, ..for her birthday.  We had nice time, but again when I met her family for bday BBQ, I and her family sat outside bsing while she stayed in house the entire night.   I must add that she was also using a fake persona online related to fake story of friend who died, including his whole family in car accident, that was beautiful girl that lived in Alaska, married to another woman after turning from straight to lesbian, and rich.  I didn't even confront this lie.  Also, while intimacy was present, I could see she was uncomfortable with it. she wouldn't change in front of me, she locked bathroom door still, she avoided certain things, and while I was very open and she had no problem with that, it was like being around a 16 yr old.  We never had full on "intamacy" and I took blame for that too.  But I couldn't, it felt forced and I loved and respected her too much.  I'm not going to get into full details, but now through counseling, it is highly suspected she probably had vaginismus,  which explains alot of the small details,  and I didn't know much about this condition until now.  The mind may want, actions may show, but deep down the traumatic body locks down.  Finally by end of 2024, she explicitly wanted me to sell my home and quit my career to be with her, the fact if I chose her and truly and clearly loved her, I do that.  Again after knowing her since 2021 and 3 full years together, she still wasn't comfortable leaving her zone for a bit and visiting me or trial living arrangements with me even though she was still careerless and living at home.  2025 got bad, 2 things occured.  Her father got ill and she started really devaluing me, but I put up with it cause I knew/thought she was struggling with alot.  Lack of career, fear of being alone, and father being ill.  We had alot of talks of our relationship, especially when she wanted me to drop everyrhing to be there for her and wouldn't make any compromises.  I tried to understand, especially with family illness, but I also had to be stable on emotionally and financially.   She started hanging out with new friends, all guys, and telling me half truths.   I tried to be trusting and understanding, but her personality was changing.  I couldn't give her a strong answer about relationship as she said I abandoned her?, but I also couldn't and wouldn't lie about false futures.  In November she told me she couldnt wait to stay with me for a few months and mentioned marriage, all to take it away at end of month.  She still wanted me there for holidays with her and her family,  which I agreed, and wanted to talk about relationship.  By mid Dec her father got worse, I rushed down there early.   Her family was very welcoming.  I was there for hospital, hospice, passing, wake, and beautiful for situation family xmas eve dinner.  Xmas morning I fixed her car, and she said she needed to get out for a little because house felt filled with grief and memories of father now empty.  I understood.  Yet, she stayed out all day and night, not showing back to 26th at 8am in tears.  Abandoning me bit again I couldn't argue for she just lost someone, I just held her.  I helped her move into another families house as she said shes not ready, yet last minute wanted to go with me.  I told her she can't, she is only daughter and has to wrap up adulting like funeral, bills, and mail.  I helped pay some of those bills.  Later she said I abandoned her again, but I know it would of been running away from a heavy issue.  Just never said anyrhing, but we had plans to come together in March of this year (2026).  She broke up with me jan 1st.  Told me a ton of confusing half truths.  I still helped with funeral expenses like I promised, help not cover all.  In feb she cancelled march get together, said we need to stop talking.  In march after I wrote her a heart felt letter, she texted we aren't anyrhing, it's purely transactional, out of goodness of my heart am I going to still help like I promised.  She seriously couldn't remember all I did, I proved it with receipts, and said I feel like im being used at this point, in which she snapped and now I am fully villain and evil.  She can't remember anything I did over the 4.3 years or at the end.  We don't talk, and completely nc, although I was having a hard time and checked her social media until may 1st.  I'm just so hurt she can't remember me and all I did.  She split hard.

Over those years I saw the intmacy issues and uncomfortability but took the blame as I could take it, I learned all her hurt and saw through the shields when we deeply talked and she dropped guard, I knew most of her trauma, a lost childhood, a father with a VERY DARK past, losing mom at young teenager, losing everyone close to her, and so many signs of other trauma.  Yet I loved her, and wanted to show her stability, love, and care was real and good man was possible.  That she was deserving.  My own counseling has brought to light many of things I didn't know but intuition was good.  That her lies and fake personas was a shield to protect fragile vulnerability, escapism to avoid extreme real hurt, not manipulation.  That her childhood trauma and fear of alone and abandonment was high signs of bpd, and other actions and conversations recorded in text showed petulant bpd.  That she most likely monkey branched, not for a new bf, but to get out of relationship and emotions related to a relationship to a safer feeling best friend brother type without ever being truly alone.  Her validation needs weren't because my failure, but to fill a cup with a hole in bottom to make herself feel better temporarily.  I wanted to show and love her so much, make her realize she didn't need mask, I wasn't going anywhere with the truth, but it made her bounce from idealized to devalue so many times, to final hard discard.   Now, I worry without her recognizing her self hurt pushing those that truly care away, and her family not knowing, understanding, or caring about what she's been through, I have deep hurt in heart that she will get hurt badly again.  Something she doesn't deserve, she's been through enough.  Yet, I am also having a genuinely hard time letting go internally, healing myself for I just want to make sure she's OK and gets the guidance she needs, no strings attached, no ulterior motive.  The fact she at the end thought I was a normal guy that played or spoiled her just for sex hurts, especially since we never went that far.  She also blamed me for never being there, abandoning her, and not doing the act of true love of selling home and quitting job, which yes hurts, but was unrealistic since she never visited me, everything was on me, she never lived with me so we could make a plan as partners as next step in life as I was willing to change everyrhing but needed just a little support, compromises, and planning.  I understand through counseling that love and sacrifice can't heal someone, especially as hurt as she is and she does need counseling to get diagnosed and better especially with healthy regulation and expectations of real life as life isn't a movie, but at same time there's a pit in my heart and gut that knows she truly is alone because noone sees her and knows like I do, and fake validation and friends that are temporary and only into surface masks will end up really hurting her.  Let's face it, guys will see her need for validation and use it or try to.  Which will further her deep hurt and thinking guys just want sex and are evil.   It's heartbreaking when all you want is a good safe enjoyable life for someone you will always love and care about, but can't do anything about.  Especially when she has painted me black for feelings she has to cover facts. 

Btw, 2 different counselors said it was good that I didn't break shields or confront lies, as it might of traumatized her worse knowing that I know dark and sad truths, and grief of internal buried memories might of made her lose control of real life.

This is true. I just get frustrated with it all. Because me, as what I consider a relatively stable adult...would never go out of my way to be around someone I apparently 'hated' in any capacity. This person pushed me away, made her friends/family hate me, spread rumors at work...then hides around trying to catch glimpses of me or hear me. Just confusing and annoying. It's just a weird feeling knowing this is gonna happen forever. I just hope she doesn't start getting more comfortable or bold. It seems pathetic to a lot of people that I still 'care' this much, but I don't know.

I am actually experiencing something similar - just bumped into uBPDx when he came into the cafe where i was laptop working. I said 'i am asking you to leave for decency' and he said 'if i leave i'm going to tell people you're controlling'. Straight up threats and triangulation.

Anyway, you might be feeling very strange, like you're not sure what reality you are in, or what reality your ex is in. It is destabilising when a supposedly reasonable adult you were intimate with, does not live in reality. I feel for you.

This would be super discomfiting.

It's easier to give advice than take it, but: there is nothing to be gained looking for order in a disordered mind. She is acting inconsistently and erratically because that is what she does.

It's painful and weird and destabilising and you are allowed to feel all those things but you'll come through.

It was definitely her. Her name is not common. She’s apparently the only one of her name in the federal system. Our ID and teams stuff is all linked to our card. And I know absolutely nothing about out her, haven’t for over a year. I’d bet money she’s dated at least one person or is maybe even dating now.

Our breakup was abrupt. I truly don’t believe she thought that was happening that night. No closure and I blocked her literally everywhere. We haven’t made eye contact, had a conversation or been in the same room one time.

It just annoyed me to be honest. An actual gross feeling. Knowing how weird she was about my voice and all for years. I’m just like go away. And how chaotic the first few months were. Her saying she doesn’t feel safe around me even at work. Telling our bosses I was physically abusive . Then why time your login at my start time then log out when I’m done.

Just annoyed

There is a connection between our family of origin dynamics and who we form a romantic relationship with. It's an emotional, subconscious thing. You might want to look into this through counseling. Your doing this may help you identify this dynamic so you can avoid it in the future.

As children, we want our mothers to love us. We are also magical thinkers, and also believe what our mothers tell us. You know now that what she said about being put in a nursing home was absurd, but you probably could not process that as a child.

This may be why you tended to take your ex's accusations to heart and to try harder in that relationship, rather than to recognize that this was disordered thinking, on an emotional level. There's a familiarity to that for you. You will be more aware now.

A really funny thing my mother used to do was accuse me of putting her in a nursing home and it was like, 'i'm five years old, and you're not in a nursing home.'

Thank you, NotWendy.

Like you, I grew up with an unstable mother who, among other things, semi-regularly threatened to murder-suicide me and accused me of causing her death (this was when I was a small child, and my mother is still alive).

Over the years, I have learned to not treat statements she makes as reality, and in fact I've been NC for several years, after she falsely claimed my father was suicidal.

It breaks my heart to see another person who I thought I loved become detached from reality like this, but it is what has happened.

I am not a pink elephant and the things uBPDx are saying are not true. 

Very interesting...my mother MUST have SOMETHING!  I am a very anxious person, myself! This has been 3.5 years of minimal contact, so....I would do ANYthing for just a text

This may be about your own boundaries. Boundaries are about knowing what is us, what isn't us. I think for some of us who are empathetic, we do consider what others say about us, but some people are disordered.

Borderline is named for being on the border of what was known as neurosis and psychosis. Someone who is fully psychotic is more obvious, but for pwBPD- feelings can feel like facts. So if they feel something - they may in the moment believe it's true, even if it's not true.

I know someone who sadly aquired schitzophrenia. If she says something like a person is shooting radio waves at her, I know that isn't true, and her saying it doesn't make it true. But when someone with BPD makes a false accusation or statement, it could be just as false, but not sound as obvious. What can help here is a stronger boundary- what is true about you, and what isn't.

If your ex called you a pink elephant, would you be ruminating over it, wondering if perhaps you did something or didn't do and you might be one? No, you are certain you aren't an elephant. You wouldn't be wondering.

Now, substitute "pink elephant" for the accusation of keeping him from his friends. You know that neither of these statements are true. You don't need to give them any more thought or defend them.

In my own experience, when I realized my BPD mother could say things that weren't true, I was shocked. In my own mind mothers don't do this. Why she did, I don't know but if she thought something, it seemed real to her.

If I could step out of my emotions, I could see where I could do or say something and she'd experience it in a completely different way. One example was when she was getting some construction work done in her basement. I had just had some work done in my house and had cleaned up the construction dust from it. I casually mentioned that she might want to cover a bookshelf in the basement as it would be a lot to clean up.  I didn't mean literally- she is a short person- she'd have to ask the workmen to do it but that wasn't how it came out or how she heard it.

What she heard was that I ordered her to climb up a bookshelf, which was not feasable or safe for her. I would not ever have even thought that. This resulted in her getting upset with me, and accusing me of telling her to do that.

You probably never even thought about keeping your partner from his friends but if he thought it, he believed it, even if you did nothing of the sorts. This is disordered thinking. We can't control that. What you need to keep a hold of is your own reality. It's not true and him saying it isn't true.

Sometimes we just can't ever know what someone else is thinking but we can decide for ourselves if it's true or not.