Agreed.

In a way the "being good" times were more uncomfortable  because of the uncertainty. It seemed that at any time, it could change. When BPD mother was angry and acting out, at least I knew what she was doing in the moment. The nice times were more of an unknown.

I understand- this is difficult. At first, I was not informed about what was going on with my BPD mother. She didn't give consent to her doctors to speak to me. Later, she did give me medical power of attorney but she still was legally competent and could make her own decisions, so sometimes they still couldn't speak to me.

After she went to assisted living, she began to have these episodes where she was confused, saying strange things. It wasn't easy to tell what was actually going on- whether it was medicines, or something else. At this point, I did speak to her providers more so I would know what was going on.

Then, the episodes would stop and she'd be her usual self again, for a while. Sometimes it was because she had a urinary infection and she was treated for that. Sometimes it was a medication or dose change.

It's a mix of BPD and the aging process together. Just try to do your best with it to the extent your mother allows you to but some of these behaviors/episodes are hard to know why they happen.

ridiculous to me how we all live the same reality. I come here from time to time only to see people post about my last relationship (which is theirs).

Sibling with ubpd suddenly being nice after a period of excoriation and low contact.  I feel like it could be a precursor to telling me how good they are (as opposed to me).  Overall, I'm better than I've been at other times, but this does have me a little tweaked.  I'm trying to come down and push it aside and felt like writing might help!  Thanks for listening.

Pushover_Pleaser, I so relate to the emotional state you are describing here.  Mostly, I just want to tell you that I get it and I feel for you.

I also want to say that while my sibling still takes up inordinate space in my brain,  and even though my emotions tweak some time, on average my emotional state has improved in a way I didn't expect.  In case it's helpful, here are some of the things I've realized/told myself that have helped: 1. I'm doing the best I can in a wild situation. 2.  What I say doesn't make a difference in the long run. 3. It's okay for her to think whatever she wants to about me -- doesn't change my reality or hers. 4. I have compassion for her but I can't cure her. 5. I deserve happiness. 

I've also done some things to calm my nervous system -- no caffeine, soothing tea instead, aromatherapy, meditation, coming on this board.

Sending you good thoughts.

This is true. When we enable someone, we don't actually help them in the long run.

In the context of family systems though, the role of rescuer is still dysfunctional but has a function in that family. If the pwBPD is being rescued and enabled, it relieves the overall pressure- temporarily, even if the situation does repeat itself later and isn't good for the person being enabled in the long run. When one person steps out of that role, other family members feel the discomfort and may react negatively.

Through personal work, therapy, I also gained the understanding that rescuing/enabling isn't helpful. However, in my family, it was the expected role. My father had the main role but we kids were co-enanblers. Approval from my parents was contingent on this, and kids in general want parents to approve of them.

It may not seem logical in the context of being an adult but for a child, to have parents angry at them is scary. I can relate to being scared of BPD mother and also not wanting to disappoint my father. The expected "being good" for me in my family was to people please and enable. Logically, this dynamic was the parents' doing, not the child's doing, but enabling BPD mother was the family expectation. It appears that rescuing/enabling the sister here is also a family pattern.

To change this is an emotionally healthy step but the original family is still working on their previous dynamic. The sister, (and my mother) reacting to this   "rocks the apple cart" in the family. It's changing a long standing family rule and so is scary and emotional.

It helps to have a therapist to work with for support on making these changes.

My mum has definitely abused the tablets in the eht years, during COVID she had to order refills by leaving messages on the surgery answerphone and when she started trying to get refills quicker than she needed, she realised she was getting away with it! They weren't checking when she last had it - the surgery is across from her house and I think they got too pally with her to be professional! She would use different chemists to get the tablets dispensed.

She has a meeting with her doctors tomorrow so I roll try and get the doctors to keep me in the loop but they are so reluctant to involve us all! I have kept sending emails to make sure all behaviours are documented on her record and this seems to get they are taking notice finally that her nice and normal act she puts on in the surgery masks the truth

Can I ask a question?  Why?  Why must you be the one to rescue her?  And when you complete the task at hand, how long until she needs another rescue? 

From the sound if it, that happens every few months.  That means you're not actually rescuing her from anything- you're placating her and it's letting her mental illness to become more extreme, more enabled.  That doesn't benefit anyone, especially you, and it's tearing you apart over something you have zero control over.

Instead, why not try a different tactic?  If your sister becomes abusive, tell her not to talk to you that way.  If it continues, tell her that you're walking away because you don't want to argue.  And afterwards, don't second-guess yourself or wonder what you could have done differently.  There's nothing you can do for your sister, but there's a lot you can do for yourself.  You have to learn to let this stuff go and not carry your sister's burdens.

Your sister is sick and she's responsible for herself.  You are responsible for you.  Those are two completely different things and you can't continue to accept her abuse and allow it to ruin your week, your month, etc.  Maybe that relationship needs some distance before it can be healthy again, and maybe she bad-mouths you horribly for considering such a thing.  That's fine though, she's mentally ill and making bad choices.  Let her live with them.  You don't have to make bad choices with her.

I'll propose an idea that this emotional reaction you are feeling is due to the situation now, but also something hurtful in the past.

BPD mother would do the silent treatment when we were kids if she was angry at us. This was hurtful and scary at the time. If I experience something similar in the present, I also react very emotionally to that. I feel as if it must be my fault somehow and that I have to somehow fix it.

Something like this happened during the time my father passed away. BPD mother was angry at me, told her family members and some family friends to not speak to me. I have no idea what reason she gave them. What also shocked me was that they seemed to believe her. I did grieve the loss of these relationships. I think you may be feeling some grief about this.

I also think some of this grief was about losing the illusion of what I hoped and thought my family was. If they truly could just cut me off like that, what kind of relationship was this?

For BPD mother though- I think this is a common push pull pattern. Just as she'd push me away, later she'd pull. You feel like it's somehow your fault. It's not. It's a pattern.

You are also seeing a family pattern. Family members take on roles that may be dysfunctional but that keep the family in balance. When one family member changes their behavior- all family members feel a sense of discomfort. They may try to get the family member back in their pattern- but if that person doesn't- they may get angry, even cast out that member, and reconfigure themselves into a new grouping.

That happened when I also didn't want to be the rescuer, emotional caretaker and began to have boundaries. I felt these were positive changes for me but my family was circled around BPD mother's feelings and moods.

You are making positive changes for yourself and changing the cycle of dysfunction for you and your future family. Your sister is reacting to this but it's not anything you are doing wrong- it isn't your job to manage her emotions. How to cope? Therapy helps and I recommend it, to help you navigate these changes. Your fiance is supportive but he's not a professional experienced with these dynamics, and so therapy can help too. If your sister doesn't attend your wedding- it's on her- and it may be more peaceful for you if she doesn't. Also prepare for her possibly showing up, and what you would do if she escalates. (have someone designated to step out with her if she does).