Hi BpdUDS,

Iam 5 years estranged from my udd and in the early days it was very difficult especially as I have 3 grandchildren.

Im here to tell you that things will get easier. Please look after your self during this time and allow your healing to begin.

Hi,

Thank you for your response. Right now I do feel I am finally in a good place after many years of therapy. He has cut contact completely and I finally just let it happen. I am not fighting it or chasing him anymore. I accepted it. But I did not say -- well, when you are ready we can talk, or the door is always open, which is normally how I respond. I said, fine, that's your choice & goodbye. I'm not sure now if I should be more actively keeping that door open. He is very avoidant and I think if we don't reach out, he will likely never take the first step, at least not anytime soon. He has a history where he doesn't apologize or take any accountability even with damaging behaviours. He just disappears and comes back like nothing happened, behaviour I enabled for many years because I felt so desperate for any contact.

I feel messaging him now to keep the door open is part of the past ways, I'm fixing things. But man it is hard to walk into a potentially long estrangement.     

Hi there,

What you write sounds very much like BPD--the unstable relationships, cutting people out, holding onto resentments, impulsive behaviors, lack of a stable identity, blaming others all the time, emotional immaturity, victim attitude, chaotic lifestyle.

It sounds like you have a good handle on things, despite what must have been years of strife and chaos.  Most parents arrive here operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, with clouded judgment as well.  You seem remarkably clear-headed.  You seem to have erected healthy boundaries to protect yourself as well.  Readers here will understand just how necessary and yet heart-breaking that can be.  I can relate to the ongoing requests for a "fresh start" (aka money from parents while lashing out and treating them badly), and I commend you for drawing a line, because your son is an adult now.  My opinion is that at 26, if he wants a fresh start, he has to be the one to make it happen.

It was at around that age when I made a subtle mind-shift with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  Previously, I'd try to help, fix her problems, provide her guidance, provide free housing, cook her meals, ease her burdens, give her pep talks, etc.  She had a habit of voicing discontent with her current situation and wanting a "fresh start" elsewhere, expecting her dad and me to "set her up" anew.  We did that a number of times, and yet she was still stuck.  But by 26, I realized, she had to make her life happen of her own accord.  Now when she says she wants something, I'll say something like, "I can see why you'd want that, it sounds cool."  And that's it.  Because it's NOT my responsibility to fix her life, provide advice, or facilitate everything for her--if I do, I'm probably just getting in her way.

I agree with Pook, that almost any attempt to discuss mental health issues will backfire, no matter how loving you are and how good, noble and "helpful" your intentions are.  Your son has to be the one to decide he needs professional help, much like he has to decide to stay drug-free.  Others can't force it upon him, and suggesting that he has a problem only feels to him like you're antagonizing, criticizing and rejecting him.  He has to want it for himself.  He needs to be "ready" for a change, typically by hitting bottom and seeing no alternative.  Besides, if he doesn't ask for your advice, he doesn't want it.

As a side note, my adult BPD stepdaughter didn't take therapy seriously until SHE was the one to take an Uber to a hospital and check herself in.  You see, on prior hospital visits, she was driven by her dad, taken in an ambulance or "forced" to go by her mom; she was basically an unwilling passenger.  Only when she was "ready" and she decided herself to get psychiatric help, did the therapy actually start to work.

Your son is only 26, there's still a chance that he could get professional help and turn things around.  My guess is that with a BPD partner, things won't go smoothly for very long, unless they are enabled by someone else.  I could be wrong, but untreated BPD is typically associated with a chaotic life and relationships.

As Tel- Hill mentioned, it did happen that BPD mother exaggerated illness. I did try to speak to a medical provider to get actual information, when possible, sometimes the nurses were more accessible. If possible- can you speak to your father directly? Also ask him to give consent for you to speak to his providers if he's willing to do that.

Keep in mind that anything you say to your father could be shared with BPD mother. This includes her listening to phone calls, seeing emails. Hopefully your father is able to share information.

As Zachira advised- BPD mother did hold it together when others were around, but being alone with her was unpredictable. When I visited, I had someone visit with me, and also I stayed in a hotel. I don't know what your plans are when you visit in the summer. It could be an added expense to stay in a hotel or Airbnb but worth the cost to have a space to yourself.

Hi there,

I'm sorry about the news, surely this is really stressful for you.  I'd caution you that it's possible your mother's BPD behaviors will amp up when there's sickiness in the family.  This could be because of the emotional intensity and uncertainty of the situation, the general stress involved, the rupture of routines as well as attention being diverted away from her.  Cue the feelings of abandonment--potential, real or imagined--and the situation will likely be triggering for your mom.  It's possible your mom will expect everyone to shower her with attention, and when she doesn't get it, she could lash out.

I also like the advice of TelHill to consider pursuing confirmation of whatever your mom says about your dad.  With BPD, there's a tendency to create drama and to stretch the truth to portray the pwBPD as the victim.  I'm not saying your mom is intentionally lying, but if I were in your shoes I'd want to hear another person's version too, ideally from your dad.

I am sorry to hear about your dad. One strategy that works for me when I can arrange it is to avoid being alone with disordered people who are abusive like my mother with BPD was when she was alive and to have other people around that the disordered person wants to look good in front of. Does your mother seem like a nice decent person when around people she wants to look good in front of and with whom she chooses to hide her BPD like behaviors from?

AI summaries are a great idea! Gmail has a summarize AI button - a tl/dr for loooong emails according to this YouTube short (yay for short content!).
https://m.youtube.com/shorts/KKnx6giEy_g

There's a Gmail app shortcut for summaries I've seen on my iPhone. The email has a summary showing when you pull down on the opened email.

Hi again,

You might be able to copy and paste your ex's long emails into an AI app and ask it to summarise action items where a response from you is needed.

Just my two cents.

I'm really sorry  to hear this. This is such difficult news.

I'm saying this only because I've had this happen multiple times in my toxic extended family. My apologies for bringing this up. Disordered people have been known to fake or exaggerate illnesses.

Have you talked only to uBPD mom about this and has your sibling been her flying monkey in the past? Maybe call dad in the hospital to verify or ask to speak with him at the hospital main number and hang up before you speak to dad.

If real, please take care of yourself. Notwendy has great suggestions about what to expect when illness strikes an enabler parent.

As much as you are inclined, even impelled, to want to reach out and contact her, wisdom says... Stop, pause and give yourself time to recover, not just from your injuries but from the impact of years of living with a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.

Note what the objective authorities did... They told her - possibly even ordered her - not to contact you.  It only makes sense that you reciprocate and not contact her.  Distance apart is a protection for both of you.

Now is a time for you to listen to your brain (and the counsel of objective others).  In time your heart will catch up and accept this is/was a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.  Might there be a future?  Unless and until you both work on your own issues, it would be best to respect the orders in place to limit or avoid more "incidents".