This is my own experience with LC/NC and a family member. In some cases, it is necessary- and I don't judge anyone for doing it if it is the right thing for them. In my own experience though- it's not a solution when that family member is also connected closely to other family members and you still want contact with the other family- because the person you wish to avoid will be a part of that unit.

It also is abrupt, and sometimes this can cause a reaction from the pwBPD, who can also solicit other family members to "their side". Rarely in a family is the issue with just one person. Other members may be rescuers/enablers.

My only and short failed consideration of NC with my BPD mother was in college when a counselor suggested it- for good reason- issues were making it hard for me to focus on my studies and affecting me academically and emotionally. BPD was not really well known at the time. I'm sure that hearing about my mother's behavior was significant enough for the counselor to suggest it.

I tried but still wanted contact with my father, and they were a pair If I wanted contact with him it would have to include her.

It was many years later that I learned about BPD and the family dynamics. In your situation, going NC with your sister is likely to include other family members acting as rescuers, including possibly your parents. You don't want to cut contact with your entire family.

LC for me was not just less frequency of contact but the content of the contact. It meant not sharing personal or emotional information, avoiding circular and emotional discussions. I think a good approach is to not make a statement or anouncement, but a "slow fade" to both frequency and content of communications. She might call, and you can be busy. Or she starts with emotional content or accusation and you say "I need to go, someone is at the door, or you have an appointment, or whatever non emotional reason to get off the phone. You don't call as often or not at all.

One of my guides for content is- if it were on the evening news, would you care? So I might say "child's soccer team won today" "I saw this great movie" rather than to have a personal emotional topic. If she asks personal info- then say "I don't know or it's not important" or some deflection, or get off the phone. There still is contact, but the content is less emotional, less reactive, less drama. 

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. What a combination of circumstances!  One piece of advice I have is to decide what you have to get involved with and what you don’t. What are he implications for you or your sister, for example, if those bottles of nail polish are there? (I’m not saying there aren’t but just want to point out that you should ask yourself if there are.  Pwbpd generally dont change so it’s not worth addressing things that affect only her.

Folks,

How have you moved from lots of contact to low contact or low contact to no contact?

Thanks!

Hi. Has anybody ever initiated a temporary period of separation from pwbpd to give you time to recover your emotional balance? How did that affect lay out?  Thank you!

Not as much with food but my BPD mother did this with objects. We weren't allowed to touch or use things that were hers. This went beyond personal items- which we wouldn't do that with anyway, but I avoided cooking anything in her kitchen because it would use her pots and pans. One time, I brought a carton of ice cream in and put it in the freezer and she got angry because I didn't ask permission. I could make a cup of tea in her kitchen without issues but I didn't attempt to do anything else.

I think underlying this behavior is needing a sense of control. This kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety. As to food- pwBPD also can have eating disorders, or your fiancee's behavior may also come from childhood if food was budgeted. Even if there was enough to eat, if one person ate more than their share, others would have less. So she may have some anxiety over her food and knowing it is there if she wants it. For my BPD mother, she felt a need to have control over objects in her house.

I'm the opposite when it comes to communal food and objects. Large family sizes are often less costly in the long run than smaller ones. So even in college, with room mates, we could have our own personal favorites but buy some items in bulk and share them, along with kitchen items as long as everyone cleans up their own mess. It usually worked out for everyone. That may be your thinking too but it doesn't work with your fiancee. She doesn't see it your way, so you would need to accommodate this preference if you choose to move forward with the relationship.

Hi and welcome to the forums. We've all been through the same thing so we know exactly where youre coming from.


A lot of BPD's won't ever admit they have any sort of problem, always playing 'the victim' and can react badly to any accusations of being the cause. Even when breakups happen a lot they can't make the logical connection that they are the common denominator in every incident. BPD is an illness of self-denial and if the sufferer believes they aren't the problem then they'll do nothing to try it fix it. In their mind it's 'the world' that needs fixing, never them.

If you keep contacting them they can become overwhelmed and this can make them withdraw further. We're often in a no-win situation where if we ignore them they think we dont care and if we make too much fuss we're 'controlling and demanding'.  BPD can turn our well-meaning acts into ones seen as hostile.

One thing applies to all versions of BPD; you can't make them do anything they don't want to. I'd be inclined to send her a simple and sincere message that you're there for her whenever she wants to talk and then you can do no more - the ball is firmly in her court.

I used to give my exBPD g/f space to cool off and she would eventually return to the place we used to go, but she could takes weeks - and in one case 9 months - to do it. Once I'd wrote though, I didn't keep contacting her.

Hope this helps, no doubt others will be along to give help and advice too.

Welcome to the site and so sorry to hear what you're going through. We understand totally because BPD runs like a pre-written script and all here have experienced exactly what you're going through; it's truly devastating to see someone change from the person you thought they were into a total uncaring stranger.


As has been previously said, this is standard behaviour for someone with BPD as they don't want to be alone and will rapidly jump - or 'monkey branch' as it's known - to others in their quest to find what they want emotionally. The problem is always that they never know what they want as their emotional needs change from one moment to the next; they're chasing the impossible.

The ony consolation is that she will inevitably treat her new partner the same way she's treated you. After the initial 'newness' wears off, she will see his flaws - whether real or imagined - and he will be treated exactly as you were. BPD is a repeating, self-destructve cycle which, without professional treatment and the willingness to follow it through, she will never be able to break.

As Foreverdad said 'the past is likely to predict the future' and this is 100% correct, as we've all found. She may well return in future - she seems to be keeping some communication going with you, but then BPD's will always try to keep people as options; a backup if all else fails, so be careful what you read into it.

The main question you need to ask yourself is 'Could I put up with this happening all the time, the constant cycle of love and hate?' 'Are the good times worth enduring the bad times?'The mental strain of a BPD relationship is definitely the worst I've ever been through and I'm sure most here would agree it's been their worst life experience too.

We're all with you, whatever you decide.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are often known to jump quickly into new relationships.  I believe the description is called "object constancy".  Object constancy is the ability to retain a bond with another person.  Perhaps the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" might be another explanation.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

Another aspect to consider could be that they have such a fear of abandonment that they sabotage themselves by abandoning others before they can be abandoned.


She might return, or she might not.  But if she's not in meaningful long term therapy and diligently applying it in her life and perceptions... then the past will be a predictor of the future.  Perhaps a better question is, Do you want to risk more police and court involvement, again?

Since this post she has since gotten into a new relationship with a friend I had been concerned about just 15days after ending it with me. I will never understand how she ca. Hurt me this way. Will she ever return to me.

My long distance gf with quiet BPD broke up with me suddenly over text last week citing that the long distance was "too much" for her. When I asked her to call me she said that a call would be "breaking her boundaries". She was very apologetic but cold/short with her responses. The next day I awoke and found she had blocked me on almost everything. I made the unfortunate mistake of chasing her for a week. I spammed her with texts, a burner, and a message to her friend assuring her that I wished her the best and wanted to just get closure. Unfortunately, the last communication I received from her was when I reached out on secondary account and told her "I am reading up on the BPD discard and am hear whenever you want to talk" to which she replied "I'm sick of people attributing my breakups to my mental condition" before another block on that account. I took to Google AI as a last resort to try and gain some knowledge where it has assured me that maintaining no contact will result in her eventually unblocking and attempting a charm. However, the more I read into more specific cases, it seems that with Quiet BPD, there is no charm. And besides, her reasoning for ending things and blocking is actually reasonable: long distance is hard.

I am now on day 9 of indefinite no contact. My question is: does no contact work on a person with quiet BPD the same way it does with regular BPD? What are the chances I ever speak to her again? She told me things that she assured me she has never told any ex, and I am certain I am her favorite person. What are my chances that she gets in contact with me? Should I break no contact and reach out eventually? I would love some insight from someone who was dealt with Quiet BPD. Thank you!