That's a great update!  Hopefully things continue on the right path.

Update : my husband and I started marriage counseling.  I wanted to make sure we in a good place to do it. So far my husband has been doing his own work and he started a low dose mood stabilizer. Coupled with all his hard work, he reports to me it has really helped.  He can really pause before reacting.  I think his therapeutic work gave him great tools and the med is making things more effective for him.

I did not want to do therapy to just discuss arguments.  One thing that was important to me was that I needed to feel consistently safe around him.  Where at a good place to work how to understand and express our feelings.  For my husband I need him to not speak in a threatening matter.  I need him to trust that he will be heard when he speaks with respect.  He has been more vulnerable lately and I have been able to listen better because I not is a fright and flight response to accusations and yelling.  I asked him how he he felt after expressing himself (in a good way) telling me something he was upset about.i asked if he felt heard.  He said he did and he seemed at peace and not emotionally abusive or isolating.  I always wanted him to learn  to resolve conflict in a good way.  I think we are at a good start for counseling.

I am hopeful. I'll keep you posted

Thank you - each one of you. I know you all get how important it is to have people/ friends who understand.  You all are that to me. I think for me anyway, denial can take a lot of time to clear. For all these years I would think if the problem was solved, the condition would be right he'd be fine and blossom. I read and I experience over and over that he doesn't think or process the way I do or his brother or cousins do. I'm choosing to accept the superficial contact as the best that we can have and enjoy his laugh or him asking questions. .  It beats the rants, melt down , suicidal talk. As was said, he doesn't have the bandwidth. My T says his bucket is full - he doesn't have room for anything else.
Also, more clarity is changing the way I see how to best support my son. Hands off and caring from the sidelines. Now to be strong and clear during the storms. Also I do agree sometimes it feels right one time to say something and the same comment another time would ignite a blast furnace.  Trial and error for sure.

The driving under the influence is a concern, but I emphasized these statements too. Your D is afraid of her BPD mother being angry and abusive. These stood out to me because, I felt this way too.

I don't have legal information for how to proceed. I think it is worth talking to your attorney about what to do, if there's anything possible. If your D is old enough to have a voice, expressing her feelings is in her favor. Even without the evidence of drunk driving- she's afraid.

I don't know how much you can do without evidence, however, your D has a voice- she can speak up to her counselor about it, and also how to protect her from backlash, because her mother will likely react if she thinks she said something. But her feeling fearful of saying anything is significant- she's afraid to stand up for herself because of the consequences.

PS

In the meantime, you tell your daughter that her safety comes first, no matter what.  If your daughter suspects that a driver is drunk, she shouldn't get in the car in the first place.  If she has a cellphone, she should call for help--you, another adult, 911.  If she doesn't have a cellphone, then she should find another adult/teacher/friend-with-a-phone and ask them for help.  You can frame it in terms of your daughter's safety, not about her mom or stepdad. 

Hi,

One sign that your daughter is telling the truth is that her mom swore her to secrecy!

One thing your daughter might do is approach a school counselor and express her concerns about her mother and stepdad driving drunk, because it puts her in harm's way.  That might impel the counselor to report, which might trigger a CPS investigation.

I don't know to what extent gathering evidence yourself would be admissable in court, but my recommendation would be to try to photograph your ex's car for damage (discreetly of course), and possibly the mailbox.  You know the mantra here--document, document, document.  Even if the "evidence" doesn't reach the courtroom, I think it might help substantiate a case, such as with CPS.  My sister did that sort of thing with her ex, who was an unsafe driver and got into accidents, some like the one you describe.  Ultimately, her kids' concerns about smaller accidents, near-misses and getting lost on familiar routes were enough for courts to remove their dad's ability to drive the kids anywhere.  I'm pretty sure it all started when one of the kids approached a school counselor about this.

If your ex is anything like my disordered uNPD family member, she will have a spotty driving record.  The police might have a file on her.  In other words, one report of a small accident with no police intervention or evidence might be disregarded.  But if you can establish a pattern and reason for ongoing concern, then you might get something done about it.  One standard approach would be to require a breathalyzer test whenever your daughter is driven by her mom, to ensure your daughter's safety.

Hi JsMom.  I'm glad you had a great time on your trip and that you're finding the Fjelstad book helpful.  I really found it so as well.  Thinking of starting it all over again!

Do you feel like something that's the "right" thing to say one day is the "wrong" thing to say another?  I have experienced that and, in reflecting on it, I find it helpful to know, because it means that it's not about what you say.  It's about what they're feeling at the moment interacting with what you say (and sometimes anything you said would elicit the same response).  You can't expect yourself to be a mind-reader!

Hi again,

I've been where you are, getting to the point of saying, my husband and I aren't continuing to work (into retirement) so an adult child doesn't have to.  That's what it boils down to, right?

If I put on my CFO hat, I'd say, no way should you pay for a wedding out of a RETIREMENT fund.  If you want some justification for this, here goes.  You don't have any money to spare right now.  Though you might have paid for your son's wedding, and your mom might have paid for yours, those situations were different.  My guess is that you've already spent orders of magnitude more money on supporting your BPD daughter well into adulthood, when she refused to work consistently.  Moreover, your husband is ill right now.  There's no telling what sort of medical and related expenses await you.  Maybe some medical treatments or ancilliary support services won't be covered by your insurance.  So you really have no extra funds available.  In addition, you yourself know that if you become a widow, your income will probably be halved, but your living expenses will remain largely unchanged.  You still have to pay for your housing, utilities, homeowners insurance, groceries, your own health insurance, etc.  Maybe you spend a little less on food, and maybe you can sell your husband's car and get rid of the associated insurance, but otherwise your living expenses are mostly fixed, barring downsizing.  Do you want to be forced to downsize?  Because of a wedding (which might not even happen by the sound of it)?

Here's another way to look at things.  You have two other adult sons.  My guess is that they are thriving, right?  Would they not resent all the extra money, mental effort and bending over backwards you're doing, in a vain attempt to "save" your disordered daughter, when she's not working on herself?  They might think that you're rewarding dysfunction, instead of rewarding all the good things your sons are doing.  And how about this:  if you continue to enable your daughter's dysfunction to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars over the coming years, and you run out of money to support your own retirement, will you ultimately be relying on your sons to help support YOU?  My CFO perspective says, honor your sons by not becoming financially reliant on them in retirement.  You can give them that gift.  In my opinion, that is the right thing to do.  If you don't save yourself for yourself, then save yourself for THEM.

If you absolutely must pay for the wedding, I'd say, you do it by not touching your RETIREMENT fund, which exists for your retirement only.  You finance the wedding with the $800 a month which you're currently spending to support your daughter.  You redirect those funds to her wedding, and by November, you'll have $3,200.  I'd say that's your budget right there.  Once she's married, you discontinue ALL monthly financial support, as your daughter and her husband become responsible for themselves.

Look, the reason your daughter isn't working is because she has a boyfriend for housing and your $800 a month for a phone, car insurance and co-pays.  If you stop paying, she'll either be forced to work again, or she'll stay at home phoneless and carless.  Her choice, but she gets a wedding that you can afford, if she goes through with it.  If not, that's also her choice.

Just my two cents.

What is the type of relationship? 

Sibling, she's my younger sister.

What is the status of the relationship? 

We're in full contact as I live with our enabling mother.

How is the current status working for you?

It's awful. I am dreaming of cutting contact, but I'm nowhere close to be ready and my family will not allow it.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?

The mood swings, the verbal abuse, the trauma after years of both that and physical abuse.

How would you categorize your loved one?

She's diagnosed with BPD, but refuses treatment.

What do you struggle with yourself?

I see myself as someone that's too used to the abuse that I cannot disengage with her and the situation. I'm sure that I need to stay away, but I physically can't and I'm not prepared for that in any way.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?

My main goal is to learn how to disengage, understand that I can't change her, and finally get myself prepared for when I'm ready to quit this dynamic.

Yup.  This isn’t working.  This never works for me.  I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do and it still doesn’t work.  I did it correctly and it doesn’t work. 

If I don’t help, I’m evil.   And when I do help, my help is second guessed.  And on those many occasions when I am patient and simply do what they thought they WERE doing, and it works, it’s never a fault of their losing patience or doing something too quickly. 

And God forbid you ask them to write down or keep track of what you did to avoid it in the future.