Hi there,

It must feel difficult indeed to be constantly on edge, isolated and doubting yourself.  Usually when I reply on these boards, I'll try to explain some BPD dynamics to illustrate that her behaviors aren't your fault, so you don't have to take her words or actions to heart.  But this time, I'm going a different direction and will reflect on some aspects of your post that are somewhat unique.

First, you're living in you're partner's home.  It's not really yours, and that could make you feel like you're alienated from yourself.  It sounds to me like you're a bit stuck, maybe even trapped.

Second, you haven't proposed, even though you've been committed for a decade and you're living together.  I'd say you haven't proposed because you don't want to.

There are situations in life where you can feel like things are happening TO you, rather than actually deciding something.  Your situation might be that way:  you might have moved in with your partner out of convenience, because it was economical, it could be fun, and because it would let her stay close to family.  But it might not have been something you really "decided," meaning with true intention.  Then time passes, and staying together represents sliding--not deciding--creating some relationship inertia.

And now you're feeling stuck and torn.  Maybe you're "comfortable enough" in your partner's family's home.  But here's the thing.  First, it seems to me like you're in a sunk cost fallacy situation.  That's a cognitive bias where people continue an endeavor, project, or relationship based on past invested resources—time, money, or effort—rather than current or future benefits.  (Maybe you can tell I was a CFO in a former life.)  And here's another CFO-type quandry I sometimes faced:  bosses (like CEOs and boards) tend to discount the cost of NOT doing something.  It's like nixing an investment proposal because the up-front costs to implement the project seem like a lot, while the company is running well enough today.  But that's when I'm prepared with another analysis, which is, What are the risks if we DON'T make this investment?  Have you considered that?  Because if you don't make a critical investment in the company (or in this case, yourself), you could be wiped out in the future.

So I guess I'd ask you to try an exercise.  Imagine you could talk to yourself from five years ago.  What would you say to him?  And now switch to the future:  Project your future self out five years from today.  Based on your history and your current trajectory, what are the "worst case," the "status quo case" and the "best case" scenarios?  And what do you think is the most likely scenario, based on what you know today?  Maybe you have some "optionality" in your scenarios, but if you do, how would you assess whether the scenario is working for you?  What would trigger a course correction?  Now, what advice would your future self give your current self? 

How about this (which is what I tend to do):  Imagine what a realistic but "best case" scenario would be for your life in five years.  Write it down, mull it over, tweak it if you want, think about it for a week.  Then my advice would be, you go make it happen.  Sure, it might require some time and effort--maybe five whole years of effort--but the results would be worth it, right?

Here's the advice that my current self would give to my young adult self:  "Bet on yourself, and you go make things happen."  I'd advise, Bet on yourself, because the only person you can control is you.  And I'd say, Go make things happen, because being active and intentional creates a live worth living.  How does that sound?

When a mentally ill person "threatens" self-harm, take it seriously.  That means picking up the phone, calling emergency services, and tell them that your partner is threatening that.  The police will come, an ambulance will come, and he will be taken for a psychological evaluation.  He will say or do anything to get out of it, but you repeat what he told you to whoever shows up.

A few things will happen once you do this.

1)  He will be furious at you for "betraying" him.  Yet, you're doing exactly what we're taught to do as kids, in an emergency, you dial 9-1-1 and tell the truth.  Explain that you did the only thing you could do to help him in that moment when he wouldn't talk things out and deal with his emotions.

2)  He will no longer play the "I'm suicidal" card in arguments unless he realizes that he actually needs immediate help.  One trip in the back of an ambulance with an involuntary hold is usually enough to get the point across.  That's not something to be "weaponized" unless you actually want to receive the help you're claiming to need.

3)  The hospital systems in the US are virtually useless for these types of things and it frustrates them as much as it frustrates you.  He will be held until a psychiatrist can interview him, and if he's deemed a threat to himself or others he will face a mandatory hold (usually 3-7 days).  They will try to help him with anxiety and other symptoms, but real change is up to him.

Side note- while he may be saying stuff like that to upset you, deep down a part of him means it as well.  He's hurting mentally and has no idea how to express what he needs in the moment.  What he actually wants though is compassion and forgiveness for the way he's acting, even though he is incapable of expressing that. 

It's honestly sad and I feel bad for your husband...but that doesn't give a free license to abuse you either.  There has to be a balance in there somewhere.

Saying "dad isn't feeling well" is fair- it's a true statement without getting into it further.  And younger kids can understand not feeling good as well.  To me, that's not "covering for him" or "throwing under the bus"...it's just the easiest way to state a really complicated topic.

If you say something like, "Dad is busy with other things," when he's not actually doing anything, the kids will see that and pick up on it.  So you don't want to lie and you don't want to give any more detail than you have to. 

If you decide to separate, then that's a different conversation entirely.  But you can tackle that if you get to that point.

I don't have advice but perhaps my perspective can help. This is what my own situation was, growing up with a BPD mother. We did a lot of things alone with my father. That was actually OK. I later realized that when Dad was alone, he was more himself, relaxed, not walking on eggshells. When we were all together, BPD mother's moods and feelings dominated. Dad was more stressed, actually we all were.

One thing I think that didn't help was that BPD mother's behaviors were "normalized". I think my father also wanted to try to preserve the relationship, and would say things like "of course your mother loves you" and maybe that was true but her behavior didn't always reflect that. You don't want your kids to think that love means accepting hurtful behavior, as this could predispose them to accepting behavior like this in their future relationships.

This also includes you. They look at your actions. If you tolerate that, they see it. You and their father are role modeling behavior. So if they think their father's behavior isn't acceptable- then they will learn that too.

If they are asking questions, it may help to have a counselor get involved to avoid triangulating and to allow them to share their feelings without the fear they shouldn't. As kids, we learn it's not acceptable to have negative feelings towards a parent, and so there's some guilt and shame for feeling them. However, people don't like being yelled at, or being disappointed, with anyone.

BPD affects all relationships. Your H is responsible for his relationship with the kids. If his behavior impacts that, it's his doing.

Go out and have a good time with your kids. These outings with Dad are some of my best childhood memories, in a childhood that also had some difficult ones. If their father doesn't come along, maybe for the better if he's going to put a damper on the occasion. That's his doing, not yours. If they ask, simply say, Dad couldn't come, but we can have a great time.

Thank you PeteWitsend. I do validate when I can, ie. if their dad has yelled at them or snapped at them in anger I agree daddy should not act like that and it’s not the right way to treat someone. Of course he would view this as betrayal, and some part of me feels guilty.

A day like today is difficult. He has been in a snit for days (leading up to Mother’s Day, no coincidence). So all our plans for today have a negative cast to them. I am good at never letting him ruin my good time, I just want to spend the day with my beautiful children. He can choose to join us or not. What do I say though when the kids ask me why he didn’t come? In the past I’ve said things like “I think daddy isn’t feeling well”. I feel like I’m stuck either covering for him, or throwing him under the bus. I don’t know the right way to answer their questions.

Yes, it is awful to do what he did. It might help to separate the behavior from the motive. I don't know if we can know what a disordered person is thinking but we can decide, the behavior is awful.

I compare this to water safety courses I took at a teen. The lessons included being a possible lifeguard if we wanted to. The first lesson was to never let a drowing person grab on to you. We learned ways to avoid that and to get out of their grip if it happened.

Because a drowning person is frantic for air, and they will push you under and climb on top of you for air. It won't help the person either as actually, both people might go under.

Does this mean they are intentionally wanting to drown someone? Are they murderers? Probably not.

However, the result is, whatever their reason or intention, in this situation, they could drown someone.

Whatever reason your ex had for this- it was awful behavior. You can call it that, whether he was intentionally being awful or not.

I think we connect abusive behavior with the motive of intentional abuse, but sometimes it might not be intentional-- but it's still abusive behavior.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I understand the feeling of wishing you could have done something. I think this is normal to feel this way. But I also think there was nothing you could have done, you had no idea this would happen.

Sometimes we have history, or something about our past that leads us into these relationships.  I think it's good to recognize it so it doesn't continue to trip us up.

In your own case, that's a horrible burden to have to carry.  I hope by understanding the nature of mental illness better, you can accept that none of this is your fault or your responsibility. 

I look back on some of the red flags I ignored about my XW, and one was the absolute mess of a situation she was in when we met (financially and legally).  But we worked in the same profession, and I remembered the struggles I had getting my career started in the same city.  And she was an immigrant with a tenuous residency situation in that she would need a work visa if she was hired, which obviously made getting a job even more complicated than the situation  I faced.  So I used that reasoning to excuse the things I didn't like about her behavior, and rationalized my way to thinking that if we were married and her immigration situation was resolved, she would calm down and things would be better.  WRONG!

Ebb, please don't apologise It's completely normally to feel conflicted and confused and contradictory when making a big decision, even without the added complexities of emotional abuse and mental illness thrown in.


From the way you describe your experiences, you seem to be quite alienated -  physically, mentally and emotionally - from accessing your own desires and hopes. There's a lot of FOG as ForeverDad has noticed, lots of guilt and 'shoulds' and ruminating over whether you are making a mistake, but not a lot about what you want.

One thing that sometimes helps me is to detach from judging my own internal state, and to try observing it instead. 

What if, regardless of what is 'right' or 'wrong', who you are in your heart and what you desire for your life, matters? What if this in itself is a good enough reason for you to decide whether to continue with this relationship?

A relationship can improve but you don't know if it will (promises are virtually meaningless, action and results are what count) and even then the possible improvement may not be enough to make the dysfunctional and unhealthy aspects become - over time - sufficiently functional and healthy.

The intensity of Borderline Personality Disorder, as with the other PDs, varies from person to person.  There are 9 or 10 traits that help identify a PD.  Some traits may be more severe than other traits.

Some behaviors that make BPD more resistant to therapy are the intense Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting, etc.  Many are prone to bouts of anger, distrust and insecurity.  Too often feelings and moods become their perception of reality, rather than trust and facts.

I suspect her behavior worsened recently because you just got married, which she perceived as you being more obligated to her and the relationship.  Maybe she relaxed her vigilance and senses you're now less likely to respond with an annullment or divorce, a step you no doubt want to avoid.

She says she's willing to start therapy.  Is this to please you or does she truly want to improve herself?  Will she start meaningful therapy?  Will she continue sessions for the long term and not just until she doesn't like it?  Will she diligently apply what she learns in her life, thinking and perceptions?

It is best not to think about having children until you're confident she is well along on the path to recovery.  Having children doesn't fix serious mental health issues, rather, it makes everything vastly more complicated.  Best to wait and determine how much she does improve, not how much she says she has improved.

*cw: suicide

Sorry, the above should say that *i* had lost a close friend / close person to suicide - i walked out of her house and minutes later she killed herself. And the delusional idea i could somehow save uBPDx from his mental illness was very linked to my regret over this.