Hi again,

I really like this way of thinking, from a "profesional" standpoint, which is not only more detached, but also more mindful of the value of your own time and energy, more deliberate about where you spend your time and energy.  It is NOT your full-time job to be a pincushion, let alone manage someone else's emotional needs.  You have a life too, you know, and you need to prioritize that.  Like this poster expressed so well, you can be involved, without being on call.

Here we emphasize self-care.  That means prioritizing YOUR needs over the emotional needs of someone who is dumping their negativity onto you.  I'd advise, you get really busy with your life.  That way, you'll barely have time for nonsense texts.  If you are happy and doing the things you love, then a nuisance text will start to feel more like that--a minor nuisance, like a bird dropping on your windshield.  All you have to do is clean it away with the wipers.  You don't have the time or the inclination to get mad at the bird, even if it seems to eat red berries and take aim at your windshield on purpose.  The bird was just being a bird.  Similarly, your mom is just being your mom, spewing out crap and throwing it your way from time to time.  You can't stop her, so I'd say, don't even try.

All the best to you.

I'm so sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks.  The stress must be enormous.  I think returning to your home country is worth considering, even if it's for the short term.

It's also great that you're taking accountability, but you have to do so in a fair consistent way.  Being belittled when you're down and the person who caused it all is celebrating in front of you would be too much for just about anyone.  I would have cussed him out and left...and I don't generally cuss at all.  But I have my flaws and limits just like anyone else.  It sounds like he was oblivious to your feelings and that's a terrible position for you to be in.

So you have three options:

1)  Make him stay in his office
2)  Stay with your friend
3)  Go home to stay with family

Which would bring you the most comfort, with the least amount of stress involved?  That's the option you should choose.  And you shouldn't worry about if him staying at the office is an inconvenience- he's the one being a difficult roommate.

That is so ludicrous.  He's supposedly the man and you're the woman.  Did you kidnap him? But of course, he felt he had to make the worst insinuation possible.

It is often noted here that pwBPD are known to cast ALL their failed relationships as horrible people.  It's that Blaming and Blame Shifting urge they have.

Probably now you accept he's not worth even a letter.

Update: he is now telling all of our friends thay i am a rapist. So, that's great.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for responding. Reading your posts has brought a little warmth to my day.

I will explain better. Since yesterday afternoon, I have left the house again, and I am staying at a friend's again (I am deeply grateful for her kindness). I got in touch with the hospital over the weekend and with my GP this morning, and I am now on sick leave for the coming five days. I had an emotional breakdown. He didn't do anything especially bad, quite the opposite. I wasn't feeling well, as the day before I had been seriously considering moving back to my home country due to the many doubts surrounding my ability and strength to rebuild while experiencing such deep feelings of desperation. He knew about this and acted cheerful, almost happy, gladly offering to help with the suitcases. Then he started behaving lovingly again, cooking for me, putting on a movie and sitting close to me on the couch. I don't know how to explain it, but that did it for me; just seeing him so cheerful about the divorce, constantly repeating that 'it must happen' while behaving as if we were still a couple, ignoring my pain and struggles...I don't know, I just collapsed. I have spent the last four days ugly crying and having panic attacks, non-stop. These episodes have been more and more frequent since the final breakup. While I was having this episode, he started mocking me and telling me that I was acting out just to torture him and to manipulate him, which is of course not true. I simply broke, and it was scary and painful. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I could speak normally, while still crying and being unable to do anything else.

So, yeah, in that sense, I would say I caused the accident. I take full responsibility for it. I love him and would never want him to leave and sleep at his office again, but he made it clear that one of us had to go after what had happened, and I chose to leave.  I feel ashamed, guilty, and I feel stupid for not having had the ability to keep calm and be able to at least secure accommodation for the coming two months. It has been so bad that I started thinking I have BPD (though I have done my share of therapy and the suspicion never arose).

I don't know where I am going from here, but I just felt like taking accountability and being fully honest with you all.

Mendingway26,  your post went gently right to the heart of the issue and spoke to me as well. Thank you. Words I said over myself and my son when he was a newborn were "I will love you like I never was. This is the one thing I know I can give you."
Like you stated, his blame and hate were a verdict on my entire life of loving and giving as best as I was able. 
I've tried reasoning, proving, explaining, suffering with him.  I'm choosing one day at a time to love and live differently.
Thanks again. 

My own  conflict - the ragefests, disrespect, blaming, moaning and groaning, etc - all worsened after we had a child.  Finally, the police got involved, we separated and entered the divorce process.  At that point I fretted less about her and more about our child.  So young, so innocent.  My focus somehow shifted from appeasing my then-spouse to concern for our child.  I guess I considered my marriage a lost cause but I tried my best to do what I could for our preschooler.

Perhaps that transition  hasn't happened yet for you.  But probably it will before much more time passes.  In contrast to your spouse, your children are open books, so to speak, with a lot of promise ahead.  They have many years of learning, playing, sharing, growing and developing into wonderful adults.  Though your spouse may not make it easy, they may be chess pieces to manipulate and pressure you, but even if the marriage ends, your parenting continues on.

broken mom2, one part of your post stopped me and I had to read it twice. Ten years of being put down and physically hurt hard enough to leave bruises, and it sits in the middle of a paragraph almost like weather. Whatever the BPD explains, it does not explain that away, and it is not a bill you have to keep paying to prove you love her. You are allowed to draw a line at your own body, even with your own child. Especially with your own child.

The other thing. You wrote that you only ever saw yourself as a mom and nothing more. I think that is exactly why her words cut all the way through. When mom is the whole identity, "you were never the mom I needed" is not one accusation among many, it is a verdict on an entire life. No defense works against that one, there is no exhibit A for love.

The gentle part is that this is also the one thing you can still act on. Not to fix her. So the accusation has less of you to land on. You already started, you said it yourself, your partner showed you there is more to you than this one role. Grow that on purpose this year.

You are not failing her because you cannot take this pain away. Some pains are hers to carry with people trained for it. Yours is to stop reading every bruise as evidence for the prosecution.

It was real for sure, and he probably did the best he could.  His best in not what you deserve though.

I'm so sorry you're going through this- but that's the only way to get to the other side.

For the Facebook post and the barrage of texts, I'll remind you that you were thrown out.  This was her decision, not yours.  It's okay to be delicate with her feelings, but at the same time you need to live in reality.  Her narratives are no longer your narratives, not right now.  That's what this is about.

I've reminded you every single post- this is not a guarantee of divorce.  It's simply a guarantee for change.  Her tantrums and blaming changes or it doesn't.  You'll respond appropriately.  Every decision is hers to make and you're just standing firm.  Don't let her twist this around any longer...she decided this.  She is choosing this.  You just want peace, whether it's at home with your wife or in an apartment without her.

Hopefully you get to see this kids soon and everyone adapts okay.  Again, I'm so sorry you're in this position.  It's heartbreaking for everyone.  You are doing the right thing though and this is not "all your fault".  She has made every single choice leading up to this moment.