I agree with this 100%.  My adult BPD stepdaughter would threaten no contact and storm off continually, not because she needed space or time to figure things out on her own, but merely to punish her parents with her absence whenever she felt aggrieved or didn't get her way.  The more you "beg" her to resume contact, the more you encourage this sort of reaction.

And my opinion is, as your daughter is an adult, she needs to have her own Amazon account.  Take her off your account.  Then you can buy whatever you want without risking triggering her.  Buying anything fun could be triggering to her, because she feels entitled to your disposable income, and she also feels "excluded."  The less she knows about your personal purchases and finances, the better in my opinion.  My other opinion is that she should come off your phone plan and any streaming plans, if she hasn't already.  A personal phone and Netflix are luxuries, not necessities, and my opinion is that she needs to start being responsible for some of her expenses, if she isn't already.

As for blow-ups at vacations, that's very typical.  I think it happens because a pwBPD can't stand to see others' happiness,  when she's so miserable inside.  In addition, attention might temporarily be diverted away from her.  She can't stand not being the center of attention, "competing" with joyful conversations or activities.  She can't stand hearing other people's cheerful updates, as she feels inferior and excluded.  My solution to this problem has generally been to invite my pwBPD to family gatherings, but make attendance strictly optional, as well as provide an opportunity for one-on-one time, which she handles better.  This looks like:  "We're hosting Thanksgiving for the extended family, and dinner will be served at 5 pm.  Of course, if you have other plans, that's OK--we'll have plenty of leftovers.  Please feel free to stop by on Friday or Saturday if you like.  Your siblings and uncles will be visiting from Wednesday evening through Friday morning, if you want to see them."  I know, it sounds pathetic that a pwBPD can't make it through a Thanksgiving dinner with the family, but historically it's worked better to have leftovers just with her, if she decides to visit at all.  Sometimes she expresses an intention to visit, but will be a no-show.  I've just resigned myself to not expecting much from her, not even a courtesy text to say she's not coming.  If she made other plans, great.  If she's in a bad mood and doesn't want to come, fine.  I think it's better if she doesn't visit at all if she's in a bad mood.  I'm not "begging" her to talk with us.

I was an emotional mess when my father was ill. BPD mother's behavior escalated- as one would expect when she was stressed over it too. I also was not emotionally able to deal. I did react at times, and then she reacted too.

I can't even tell you how many times I have cried over this situation with my father and later, with BPD mother, but I want to say- there is nothing wrong with us if we do cry. There's nothing wrong with crying. It's not a sign of weakness, or not being brave, or not being able to handle the situation.

I think expecting us to be the ones in control or able to manage is an unfair expectation. It may be that our family dynamics required this from us- for us to tolerate, excuse the pwBPD's behavior. We may not be used to the idea of reaching out for support when family members were not able to be this for us.

I think it helps to get counseling at times, if needed- from someone who actually can validate our feelings and be supportive.

It's not that much longer to wait. I seems the "ball is in her court" in terms of resuming contact with you when the restriction is lifted. Every relationship involves two people. There isn't a certain way to get a pwBPD or anyone, to be in love or want a relationship with another person. They still make this decision for themselves.

The money spending issue is complicated and I think in part, emotionally driven, which is why it's not a rational behavior. Numbers are rational- we know exactly how much is in the bank, and if more goes out than comes in- this causes problems.

I commend you parents for holding this boundary with your adult children now, and protecting your own nest egg because, I have seen what happens when uncontrolled spending compromises funds after retirement. BPD mother's uncontrolled spending was compromising her own nest egg.

There are big gaps in coverage for elder care in the US system. Often extended family are leaned on when this happens. It is workable- when both parents and adult child can be considerate and cooperative with each other.  However, with BPD, reasoning, consideration and cooperation are not present and without boundaries, emotion driven spending can be destructive.

CC43's makes a good point - the best gift you can give your adult children is to be able to meet your financial needs after retirement. One would imagine a parent or adult child would not want to see their loved one be financially compromised, but in the case of BPD- when they want what they want, that's their focus. When my BPD mother was in this emotional state of wanting what she wanted- that was all of her focus, not anything or anyone else.

CC43 also made a good point about your younger non BPD child, who would be the one to have the emotional capacity to be concerned about you. He's another reason to protect your retirement nest egg.

Because the spending behavior is emotionally driven, rationalizing with a pwBPD about their spending may not be effective which is why boundaries are necessary.

yes I understand and I dont want to compromise her. I did message her after I saw she changed the picture and said, put the picture back when she is in a position to talk and keep smiling until the. the picture obviously hasn't gone back up yet but it will be interesting to see what's happens when the restrictions are lifted

I didn't see her online and whats app actions as being specific to hurting you. Keep in mind that any theories about it are just guesses. It's not possible to know what she's actually thinking.

She seems focused on her appearance and likes attention. This kind of behavior works for her- she gets attention for it. I would guess that the motive for posting pictures and videos is more about the attention than to hurt you.

The what's app response is interesting because, it's a half way one- and it's keeping you guessing. Why she did this, it's not possible to know. It may be a "wait and see" "maybe" response or she may just be avoiding the legal consequences of accepting a phone call from you.

Keep in mind that you didn't take a legal risk by contacting her. By asking her to make this signal- change pictures- which would lead to a phone call from you- if she were to do that, she's the one at risk, not you.

The reason for waiting out the restriction is because it's not in her best interest to break it. You have your reasons for contacting her- and you have let her know you still want the relationship but if you ask her to break the restriction, this compromises her.

I totally get what you are talking about. I have been there so many times.
If I have to see the positive, though, I think it is a slow process but once I started to understand the situation and be able to talk similarly to how you are doing in this post, things gradually improved. Initially, I used to not be able to sleep or to be anxious all day for a single text. Then it was only for multiple texts. Then only if sent to other people, a bit like it happened with you and your daughter. It is talking about it with others that helped a lot, and hearing other people's experiences.
It is of course just my experience, but I find that, slowly, after understanding these things you tend to heal. And there will still be tough moments, but they will tend to be much shorter, or caused by worse things.

Also my experience is that sometimes, when there are challenging situations, they seem to know which buttons to push to make you feel bad. And because bad situations happen irrespective of having BPD siblings around, there will always be moments when with all we might have learned, we still cannot react well to something mean said or done.
When my dad's health started deteriorating, I was worried and anxious because of that, and had to deal with my brother acting as a saviour and attacking pretty much everyone and wanting to be in control. By that time I had started to learn how to deal with his behaviours, but in that circumstance I was too fragile to manage to do it properly, and also I had to listen anyway to what he was saying as somebody himself worried about our dad and close to him than I was. You don't know how many times I cried like you did.

My kids are very young still, but he often threatens to "tell them the truth about me" when they are older. I will see how I will react if and when that happens.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It's heartbreaking. Many of us have similar stories. My 25 year old daughter wanted to move back in with us because she had burned all of her bridges and quit her job. We told her that we had 3 conditions for temporarily moving in with us (we will have a peaceful house, she will not be drunk or high when she's around us, and she will continue with mental health support) and that she could live with us longer term (more than 3 months) if she also had the equivalent of full time activity (some combo of finishing university, helping around the house, and/or work). She told us that she was not going to "kiss our @33es for a place to live." We told her that was her choice. It was hard but she became homeless. She had a car. We looked around and found a homeless shelter for people with mental health challenges. She was asked to leave in less than a week because she wouldn't get along with others. We found another shelter for her and she lived there for several months. She now lives with her grandparents and she works part time and helps them around the house.

We still don't have much contact with her. We know that she's still working on her mental health because we pay for the co-pays for her visits. The only money we will give her (and by that I mean pay the therapist or the school directly ourselves) is for mental health support and education.

She is terrified of adulting and doesn't believe in herself. She would take as much money as she could from us. However, we are limiting what we give her only to mental health and education because that's what's going to help her to become more independent.

When we were giving her money in the past (as an adult) for basic living expenses and for things she wanted, she wasn't having to do the hard work that she needed to do to become more independent. She would hang out in the garage smoking weed and drinking all day. We told her that we weren't going to financially and emotionally support her in not growing into adulthood. We told her that we love her and we will help be thought partners/problem solvers with her if she asks us. We also told her that we would pay for education and therapy to help her become more independent. However, we were not going to do things that keep her from adulting. She had previously told us that she wants to become an independent adult, so we are working to align our support to help her get there.

Of course, that's not how she sees it. From her perspective, we forced her to be homeless and we don't love her. I miss her but I'm also relieved that I'm not caught up in her storms every day. Our biggest hope is that she will find her way into being the kind of adult she wants to be, even if we're not a significant part of her life any more. We would really like to develop a new relationship with her but we're not sure that will happen.

P.S.

I love Pook's comment and would add that by providing so much money to your BPD son, you might be increasing his stress level.  I saw this with my BPD stepdaughter, too.  How, you might ask?  By having so much money, they quicky set up a lifestyle that is unaffordable, unmanageable (for a pwBPD) and unsustainable.  I write "quickly," because with BPD, there's typically a dire sense of urgency, an intolerance of delayed gratification, plus strong entitlement.  Your pwBPD might buy an expensive new car with a seven-year loan payment.  But with the expensive car comes expensive insurance, plus a desire for off-street parking, plus premium gasoline, plus expensive maintenance, plus premium tires.  They're locked into a monthly payment and expenses that are beyond their budget, when reality is that taking an Uber everywhere would often be much cheaper.  In addition, they lack "practice" in car ownership, which one would usually get by starting with a beater.  And they sign an apartment lease using you as a co-signer, because on their own, they wouldn't be approved for the apartment, which is surely more luxurious than their wage allows.  Maybe they move far away, using your resources (co-signing, first and last months' rent, help moving, help setting up with new furniture, etc.), which they never would have achieved on their own.  Yet by moving far away, they're farther from their traditional support system (e.g. therapists, friends, family).  And they just have to go on vacations involving planes, while they beg you to buy the tickets, because it's a "once in a lifetime" opportunity.  Yet they spend way too much on the vacation itself--hotel, rental car, restaurant meals--charging it all to a credit card.  Why do they keep getting credit?  Because you bail them out by paying off past credit card debts.  If you didn't bail them out, then they wouldn't qualify for new credit, and if they didn't have credit, then they couldn't afford the vacation--they'd have to save up for it like a normal person on a cash-based budget.  Plus, you can't help but wonder, how are they taking so much vacation time while working?  Are they putting their job at risk?  On top of everything, they just have to have a dog, but didn't plan for the cost of vets, apartment pet premiums, kennels, etc.  They think that having a pet is a "right" and might expect parents to pay for that, too.  Don't forget that you're probably the automatic "free kennel," even if you don't want to take responsibility for his pet.

Anyway, all this means lots of extra stress for the pwBPD, because his lifestyle is not only too expensive, but also complicated--by administrative, logistical and caretaking obligations.  Sometimes I think life would be simpler if they avoided lifestyle inflation financed by well-meaning parents.  Instead, if they lived within their means, they probably wouldn't have so much stuff to take care of (car, lots of furniture, large monthly payments, pet, complicated travel), which at the end of the day is a lot less stressful.  Plus, if his living quarters are modest, staying home all day isn't very entertaining, which means he gets out into the world more.  He learns that he has to work, gradually and consistently, to get what he wants.  In the process, he bolsters his identity and learns he has agency in his life.  Eventually he can let go of the blaming and victim attitude.  Or so I'd hope.

Just my two cents.

NotWendy,  CC43, and Pook075,
Each of your posts are helpful to me.  You don't sugarcoat and you speak truth from experience.  Yes, my son needs to care more about not being homeless, managing his bills and taking care of his mental health than I do. Obviously as I have cared more - he didn't have to.  I appreciate the rays of hope in some of your situations. I understand each person is different. Yes, my younger son deserves not having to worry about my later years.
My son's dad has bpd and I believe npd. My dad had bpd. I have a lifetime of ingrained ways of accepting unacceptable behavior and caretaking to feel safe. I am just lately learning about this illness and how to take care of myself around it. Your wisdom and honest feedback mean a lot.