Thank you, everyone.
For a while, things were getting a bit better. He wasn't as anxious (or at least not outwardly so) before events and, while quiet, seemed a bit more relaxed when we were there. But this latest one really sent him into a tailspin. He ended up going and it was pretty obvious he didn't want to be there. He hit his limit of "people time" early and looked very uncomfortable. As soon as we were in the car, he started rattling off all the things that he'd felt were negative (when my sister asked about SS, she moved on to another topic too quickly; my mom gave him "a look" and obviously hates him and wishes I were with someone else; my dad talked too much about people he didn't know) I admit, I snapped and told him to "shut up." Another argument ensued when we got home.
Next morning, he was regulated again and started apologizing, pointing out all the things he felt bad about and should have handled differently, etc. When he's at baseline, he's insightful and reasonable, but once those emotions get going...
The thing is, he likes my family. He wants to be part of them. But he's so shy and introverted and (I think) has so much emotional baggage that he just finds it impossible. When he's dysregulated, that becomes my family's fault rather than his for being closed off and unapproachable. It's complicated. It's a large family. He's an only child with an only child. He was never very close to his adopted parents. He found his biological family about 8 years ago and hit it off with them, but after a lot of time together (instigated by them), they basically ghosted him with no explanation, essentially abandoning him twice.
I feel for him. But it's frustrating to try and navigate. One of my brothers-in-law also has a difficult family background and really wanted to become part of the family. I wasn't privy to what was going on in private, but it appears to have been a lot easier for him.
One thing I heard once was that the anxiety or fear of rejection and abandonment sometimes drives them to "self-sabotage" ... they act out so that when others say "no thanks, don't come back" they can step back & blame everyone else for rejecting them, instead of living with that anxiety (however irrational it may be) of what could happen.
His FOO history I imagine would contribute to this dynamic. He never got that sort of foundational love needed to grow into being a stable adult it sounds like.
HE could use therapy to work through this, I imagine, but again, good luck with that.
It's hard being on the outside of people like this and thinking "It's all in your head" and wanting to convey that to them so they get it, that their problems are entirely of their own making and only they hold the key to fixing them, but I don't know whether that helps or hurts. I had a roommate in college that would disappear often in his room, and had a really short temper when we were out. He finally confessed to me one day that he was depressed and couldn't leave his room some days. I tried to say some of that, but I don't know if it helped or not. He's had a successful career and learned to self-medicate and keep it in check as far as I know, but it seems like an ongoing struggle for him.
