Hi thankful person, good to see you.

That awareness you’re describing, especially noticing the discomfort instead of reacting to it, is a big shift. It may not feel like it, but that’s the work.

A simple next step is just staying with it a little longer each time, without fixing or people-pleasing right away.

If you want to share, what does that discomfort feel like in your body when it shows up?

Hi bpdUDS, just checking in on you.

You were carrying a lot here, especially with the wedding situation and stepping back from the chaos. That’s not an easy place to land as a parent.

If you’re up for it, how have things been since then? Has anything shifted with your son, or more on your side in how you’re handling it?

Hi Janine52, just checking in on you.

You shared a while back how exhausted things felt, being bombarded with messages and trying to hold everything together. That can really wear a person down over time.

If you’re up for it, how have things been since then? Has anything shifted, even a little, or are things feeling about the same?

Hi Pushover_Pleaser, welcome. Glad you’re here.

That’s a lot to carry, especially with the push-pull from your sister and the family pressure around it. It makes sense your anxiety is high.

What stood out is you’re seeing it clearly. You can love her and still protect your peace, even if others don’t agree.

Keeping it simple can help:

   •   focus on what’s healthy for you
   •   limit what you share

If you want to share, what kind of contact feels manageable right now?

Hi wantmorepeace, great to see you.

That shift you’re describing, focusing on what you want instead of their reactions, is huge. It may feel simple, but it’s a real turning point.

And needing to remind yourself is part of it. It takes practice.

If you want to share, what helped it click yesterday?

Hi Orphan, welcome-glad you found your way here.

That kind of dynamic wears you down over time-having to filter everything you say because it might get twisted or shared. It makes sense you’ve pulled back to protect your sanity.

What stood out is that you’ve found a way to hold both truths-you’ve forgiven her, and at the same time you’re keeping distance. That’s not easy, but it’s often what stability looks like in situations like this.

From here, keeping it simple and consistent can help:
   •   limit what you share (low-information contact)
   •   expect patterns, not change
   •   stay anchored in your boundaries, not her reactions

If you want to share-what tends to happen when she crosses that line now?

Hi marchstar, welcome-glad you found your way here.

That’s a heavy mix-BPD plus trauma from an abusive relationship. Makes sense you’re looking for ways to support her without it overwhelming both of you.

You’ve already done a lot by educating yourself. From here, keeping it simple can help:

   •   DBT (skills for regulation and stability)
   •   Trauma-informed therapy (at her pace)
   •   For you: boundaries + validation (support without taking it all on)

If you’re open to sharing-what kind of support is she getting right now?

Hi and welcome - glad you’re here.

Quick note: I saw this got posted a few times, so I cleaned up the duplicates just to keep things tidy. This thread is a good place to continue.

You’re on the right track looking for DBT-based dual diagnosis programs. And if local options are limited, virtual can actually work really well too.

Hopefully others can jump in with some good suggestions.

Hi and welcome - glad you found your way here.

25+ years of walking on eggshells, adjusting yourself to her anger, and not getting your needs met… that wears a person down. Even if things improved a bit with medication, the core dynamic didn’t really change.

You don’t need to solve whether this is BPD or not. The real question is: can this relationship, as it is, work for you anymore?

Hi I wantmorepeace,

I've gone through periods of NC with my late dBPD mother and it had mixed results. I did this as a way of coping with my late mother before I ever heard of BPD. 

She was all consuming and controlling. For example, she'd leave 10 vm's full of rages on my phone within 30 minutes if I didn't answer. She was sure I was dead. She wad furious that I stopped contacting her.

After multiple NCs she learned not to rage but still called excessively thinking I was dead. She'd rage and abuse in person regardless.

I trief BIFF with my mom and my ex-husband. It didn't work well. I was screamed at for changing the relationship and acting weird. It caused more trouble with it than without it. 

Low contact and strategic grey rock (giving them lots of info you don't mind them having -redecorating your living room for example) while not giving them any information (getting a high paying job, eg) they've smeared you with in the past works better for me.

I have an exuberant, happy demeanor so BIFF might be more jarring, or look like I'm about to cut all ties. 

NC and BIFF may work with normal people. You have to discern if it would work with a family member with a personality disorder.