If you already have a custody and parenting schedule order and you ex is not complying with it, then the court will likely confirm it if your ex does not have convincing substantiated documentation and not just hearsay or "I am the Mother".  Yes, she is the mother, but you're the father.  You're not just chump change.

She may have decided for herself that she has authority over you, but family court is The Authority.  However, court also seems reluctant to put its foot down quickly and does seem to make the smallest changes to existing orders.

Do you have a lawyer?  Will your ex appear with one?

If you have only a brief hearing scheduled, such as for a half hour, then not much may get decided.  You may need to ask for a Custody Evaluation where the evaluator digs past the surface claims and looks deeper into the parenting of both parents.  Mine was done over a course of 4-5 months by a local child psychologist who was trusted totally by the court.  His initial report was barely 11 pages but it packed a punch.

Be aware that not all custody evaluators are proficient or unbiased.  Some are newer professionals, try to write books to submit to the court and charge high fees to match.  So if you decide to ask for a CE then do similar to how you would choose a counselor for your children in a contested scenario... take the time to vet the ones available in your area, make a short list of ones who are respected and bring that to court.  Why to court?  Court may like it better if both parents are involved in the selection.  By being ready to offer your vetted list to the court for the ex to make the final selection, then you may avoid the risk of your ex choosing one who may be partial, biased, gullible or inexperienced.

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories; it helps to know I’m not alone in this.

I want nothing more than to co-parent peacefully, but my ex’s hyper-focus on 'knowing best' and her insistence on diagnosing our 6-year-old with neurodivergence has made that nearly impossible. Lately, she has moved from being difficult to actively obstructing my relationship with our son.

After two years of a consistent 'status quo' schedule, she’s decided she is now the sole gatekeeper. She’s justifying withholding him by saying 'he doesn’t want to go,' and she’s started circumventing school pickups by keeping him home or showing up early to intercept him. I refuse to make a scene in front of him, but it's heartbreaking.

My ex-parte request was denied because he isn't in 'immediate danger,' and now I’m just stuck waiting for the custody hearing while she dictates the rules and builds a distorted narrative. I’m following the advice to not involve him in the 'grown-up talk,' but I feel defeated and I just miss my son.

This is a huge misconception- and I think this is cultural. Men are expected to be stronger and the protectors. The size difference does make women more vulnerable to physical abuse but that doesn't mean it can't happen that women are abusive too. Emotional and verbal abuse are not size or strength dependent. I also think female abuse to males is undereported due to men feeling embarrassed about being abused by a woman. Female abuse to men happens. It's real and men who have experienced this deserve recognition and support, just as women have.

You're only human and a BPD relationship is the most mentally draining of all relationships because there's simply no logic to the BPD partner's actions.. no wonder we snap sometimes.

Like Pook I sometimes found that really letting go and venting at my exbPD did actually have some effect at curbing her outbursts.. but they always came back after a while.  I remember one time writing to her and saying 'You don't deserve any boyfriend, let alone me so stay away from me'.

I intended it as an end but surprisingly, this actually made her come and see me and try to explain but it was probably mostly motivated by her desire not to be alone rather than any genuine remorse.

Try and focus more on yourself - you deserve happiness and calm. What she does is out of your control, no matter how well you treat her so don't be hard on yourself.

I know that I had some issues with calling it abuse initially. Maybe cause I'm a guy and thought I couldn't be 'abused' by a small woman. Just saw it as high conflict. Everyone I talked to called it abuse. I've accepted that I was abused now. It's a very strange to be , an abuse survivor. Still sounds embarrassing to me.

This also sounds weird, I'd rather be physically abused than emotionally and verbally. We all stayed in those relationships far too long because we justified the bad behavior. I imagine if we accepted we were being abused earlier we would have left less broken.

A year and a half after the breakup, I am still healing. It feels like we just broke up some days. Very strange. I've never had this much of an issue after any other breakup.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Spam". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062312.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Love the pink elephant and the crazy party. Thank you.

My partner has a lot of characteristics of emotional dysfunctionality (or higher functional invisible PBD, what's in a name after all?)
As the code 'red' days are almost omnipresent the last months, I get so tired of her R&B episodes (raging & blaming), that I notice that in order to avoid additional conflict, I started to conceal or even lie about things. I'm concious that my behaviour is wrong, and sometimes when the facts that have been kept hidden, accidently still come out, the situation even amplifies (of course, I'm not thrustworthy anymore). 
In 'Stop walking eggshels', the advice is given to wait for a 'good' moment to discuss a difficult issue. But sometimes, you don't get the opportunity to wait for that moment, anbd then the situation excalates even more.
So, I just want to know if I am the only one behaving like this: concealing or even lying, and hoping that a difficult moment will pass by quitly?

Something that helped me to not react to something said is to substitute something absurd for that. If someone called you a pink elephant, you probably wouldn't react or defend yourself as you know it's not true and calling you that won't make it true. If something is equally not true, then there's no need to respond to it.

This isn't the same as violating a boundary. If that happens, and we feel anger- it's a sign to us that someone has crossed a boundary. There's nothing wrong with feeling anger- it's an emotion like any other one- but we still can decide how to respond to that. Our feelings aren't wrong- we can feel what we feel but also decide on our own behavior.

A consequence of the nice/not nice cycle is a loss of trust. It's also a consequence of someone lying to us. I've felt manipulated at times when BPD mother was "acting nice" to me, and feel set up if I fall for it. As a result, during the "nice" times, I still felt I needed to be careful about what I can or can not trust. I can still decide how to behave towards her, but I pay attention to my feelings.

Another way to resist reacting emotionally to something said is to see it as resisting participating in the drama. There's a term "invitation to the crazy party". You might be invited, but you don't have to attend.

We are still human and if we are feeling stressed ourselves, it's a sign to us that we need some time out for self care. The acronym- HALT- hungry, angry, tired, lonely helps remind us that anyone can lose their cool under these circumstances. If we are feeling these feelings- we can excuse ourselves from the conversation and take some time to ourselves.

That's from 12 steps but it works for any situation where someone is saying aggravating things. The family dynamics in addictions and BPD are similar. The combination of someone who struggles with addiction and a pwBPD are potentially volatile, as both can have poor emotional regulation skills. Sending the half-brother to his room was the best intervention- giving each of them an adult time out to settle down.

Generally, I would feel inclined to be helpful but in this situation, I'd also let her be. Her garage, and what is in it,  is not your responsibility.

I think it's difficult to resist stepping in to help as that is what feels "normal" to us and I also think we want to be good people. The other side of this is that we need to decide what is truly helpful and what we'd feel resentment over doing. I know if you saw your neighbor was ill, or needed help in a serious situation, you'd call for help- as a fellow human, regardless of your feelings about her. This isn't that situation. You are protecting your peace of mind here.