Hi friends.  I was recently talking to a friend about BPD cycles and how the same arguments seem to come up over and over again.  For example, the BPD may accuse infidelity or withholding money or a million other things.  What's the best way that you've found to move past these conversations?

As most of you know, I have a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter, plus many potential BPD in-laws on my ex-wife's side. My ex was notorious for saying something like, "I busted my ass around the house all day long, yet you always say I don't do anything!" 

The problem was, I worked from home and I'd see her start a load of laundry then lay in bed the entire day scrolling on her phone.  Maybe she emptied the dishwasher or did a few light chores, but she did very little on a consistent basis.  And if I mentioned anything like, "Could you help me clean up the kitchen?" or even "What did you work on today?"  I'd get the explosive response how she's busted her ass and I'm never appreciative.

I never could solve this while we were married, but a year or so later when she'd make those types of statements, I'd counter with something like, "I love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't do better.  I always tried my best to take care of you."

And my ex would be speechless, what could she say?  That I should have always been perfect no matter what?  That's crazy even in her mind.

I tried doing that with my daughter as well, and if she was highly disordered it wouldn't land well.  But after several months, things began to change there as well because even when she was splitting, she'd realize that I wasn't her mortal enemy anymore and I genuinely loved her and wanted to help.  So slowly but surely, what would have been a 2-hour screaming sessions lasted only a few minutes, because my words disarmed her.  I showed love, I showed patience, I showed empathy and sympathy.

And when all of those failed, I'd just tell her that I refused to argue and I was walking away.

Over time, their anger and frustration towards me faded because I was doing two things absolutely right- I wouldn't argue or be negative, and I always told them I loved them and was there for them when they were at their worst.  Eventually they both believed it and accepted it- I was no longer painted black.

Now, that doesn't mean I got the storybook ending, because there's times when my BPD daughter will call me up just to rant and accuse me of things I have nothing to do with.  And I'll listen as long as I can stand to listen, then politely say, "I love you and I'm here for you.  Why are you really so upset right now- what happened?"  Sometimes it works, sometimes I get cussed out.  But I either hang in there for a bit longer or I end the conversation.

Meanwhile, my ex wife has actually painted me white in most situations.  If someone talks badly about me, she's going to defend me and give them a taste of her wrath.  We're not close anymore but when we talk, it's like we're old friends catching up.  So that's really great since we're parents and have to communicate.

I'm curious what others have done in these situations and what's worked for you.

Thank you all for the kind words and help with this, small update, I still have yet to hear from her and I am fine with that. I have been focusing on me and my family for now, in turn I have pulled away from the rest of my family for a bit while the dust settles. My mom is acting like nothing is wrong so that is a plus I guess. I have come to terms on what needs to be done and I think it would be best if she was not at the wedding but I will plan for either situation. I am unsure what she will try to do beings it usually will be a month or so until she reaches out again. I am going to set my boundaries and stay stern with them. My mental health is more important right now and I hope they will understand that, and I will face that if they don't as well. My life has been more peaceful without her in it right now and as much as that pains me to say, it seems necessary right now. She is a toxic person and I cannot allow her to have such an effect on my life anymore. I really appreciate all of your help and words. This group has ben amazing and I am so happy to have found it. Thank you for helping me so much and helping me realize I wasn't going crazy.

Hi again,

Thanks for being there. I discarded the idea of contacting her ex...

I happened to come across her one hour ago and had a brief conversation with her. Well, actually I could not place many words and came back to square one. If I do not call myto ma "fake cousin" in Miami in front of her and tell her I do not want to have ever contact with her again, she will never again be in contact with me. If I do it, then we can get back together and have a "clean start". I said no, I will not call her and say this, but if you want we can call her right now and clarify anything you need. But no, it is either her way or the highway. She spiraled totally again as usual, while I was totally calm trying to stop the spiraling... A mess. I am even considering calling my cousin, explain the situation to her and then tell my ex that I will do what she wants if in return she accepts starting couple therapy... I know, probably I am spiraling now myself in my thoughts...

Thanks for being there, your replies help to put some order and common sense.

Hi there,

I agree with the other posters, do not contact her ex, and do not contact her psychologist.  If you pwBPD finds out, she will use it against you.  The plan will backfire in my opinion.

Look, though your intentions might be in the right place, you can't help your disordered partner unless she wants to get help for herself and take her therapy seriously.  La pelota esta en su tejado.

In the meantime, I'd advise you not to change yourself for your partner, in the sense that you shouldn't become alienated from your family in friends just to please her.  Why?  Because no matter what you do, she won't be pleased, and she'll always find something to be upset about, as that is classic BPD.  I'm not advocating that you go off and have an affair to spite her; what I'm saying is that you shouldn't isolate yourself in the vain attempt to make your partner happy.  In the long run, you'll regret missing out on your life.  If she has a meltdown when you visit family in Madrid, I'd say, let her have her meltdown, but not in front of your kids.  What I'd recommend is to give her an "adult time out."  That's shorthand for giving her time and space to cool off.

Saludos cordiales.

We can sympathise totally with what you're going through, BPD always runs to a very predictable script. almost like the sufferer has loaded a computer program into their head and is following its instructions.

There would be little point in contacting her ex; at most, you would just get confirmation that they had been treated the same as you. My ex-BPD played the 'previous guys never trested me right' routine which I fell for at the start but I eventually realised that it was her who treated them badly. I'm quite sure if I had contacted any of her previous partners I'd have heard identical stories to my own.

If she finds out you contacted her ex that will definitely upset her and you'll then be accused of 'plotting against her' or something like that. Remember that BPD's always see themselves as the victim.

Also, by contacting him it might bring him back into the scene where she can use him to cause jealousy.  Far better to let sleeping dogs lie, things are complicated enough without ex's getting involved.

I think the goals are the same- to be able to attend the event, and also stay emotionally calm and focused on your brother. The suggestions I made are about how to manage this - for yourself. It's not about your mother.

For adult children who grew up with an unpredictable parent, we become hypervigilant around them, for our own emotional safety. As much as we can be rational as adults, we may still automatically be on alert when we are around that parent. Signs of this can be- difficulty sleeping, a sense of fear. We may feel shame and guilt over feelings we were told were wrong when we were kids and still go against people's expectations.

You mentioned feeling dread over seeing your mother. If you feel a sense of dread or fear, that is how you feel. It's not your fault. The goal is how to attend this event for your brother and still take care of you. Staying somewhere else, having someone with you- these are strategies to help you feel emotionally safer when you do spend time with her.

So, yes, attend and also have some safety plans for yourself in case you feel you need them. These are strategies to make some contact possible, so you can attend family functions and maintain contact with other family members and if you choose, also your mother.

I hope all goes well for you and that it's a great time. 

Thanks once more.

Actually it is about my uBPD ex-partner, not about my daugther.

I was not strong enough and contacted her to try to talk things out and try to make her see how some of her behaviours and reactions are, let´say not normal, without mentioning BPD at all, but she refuses to speak with me. It is like a nighthmare. One month ago I took her daughter on holidays with mny kids, and treated her as my own daughter of course, and she is not easy at all to handle. One week later me and my uBPD ex made a lovely trip to the Netherlands that was like a honeymoon. We did not live together but I spent all my free time at their place, and then went home to sleep, just across the street. And now I am like a total stranger and have no access to them, although she says that when my kids come visit from Spain we can hang out as usual. Nothing makes sense to me.

Btw, I actually think her traits are not only BPD but also NPD, especially because she would never seem to be aware of her bad behaviour, never ask for any apologies when she would do something clearly wrong and show no empathy at all in very complicated moments for me, like no compassion and a revengeful or cruel character at times, like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide.

I am trying to do a lot of sport, I walk long distances and I am trying to get back to frienships that I got away from just to accomodate to her. It is very painful seeing everything from some distance now, but it is also very painful going through the beautiful moments together and with our kids as ifi those moments were just a dream. I dreamed of rebuilding a family with her and our kids because when it is the five of us it is just perfect. I have the feeling that the moment I interact with anybody else, especially females but also males, then problems start. It was as if she want me just for her and I could not relate to anybody else. Sometimes, when I had plans for lunch or any other thing wit any friend, which happened very seldom, she would turn ill or find a way to make me feel guilty for not cancelling and be with her, which I ended up doing. Even once she made me not go to work because she was sad that a tree in her condo garden was cut out, she made a huge scene when I told her I would go to work when she asked, and I ended up staying with her. I never told this to anybody before, it is surreal but at the momentm the fear of losing her made me accept thing like this and much worse, like physical abuse (slapping, throwing water and hot tea over me, kicking...)

I know best thing for my mental health is to get away, but the dependance became huge because I let myself be isolated from the "normal" world.

Thanks for reading. Letting this out helps.

I don’t have time to type out an extremely long message because I am leaving for work shortly, but this was unbelievably healing and insightful, thankyou for helping me understand better.

I hope she gets the help she needs, I did genuinely love her & I do wish the best for her regardless of what she did.

I will keep this explanation in mind every time negative feelings surface from what happened.

Thanks again.

I hope you have a great time and more importantly, I hope you realize that you can overcome this.  Maybe you reconcile with mom, maybe not, but just being able to co-exist and let go of all the emotions tied to it is a massive step.  I wish you luck!

I completely understand.  My wife and I had several arguments when we first got together in person because she's such a strong, independent woman who's moved mountains for herself and her son.  The family bonds in the Philippines are so much stronger than the USA as well; family is everything here because you can't survive without them.  So there was a lot of figuring out the cultural differences for both of us and it was an adjustment for sure.

For you, having to do that on top of mental illness problems sounds like such an impossible task.  I'm so sorry you went through all of that.