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 81 
 on: June 16, 2026, 09:08:27 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pluie
Hey Pluie,

Staying is certainly an option and it's 100% your choice.  I'd just advise you to get to the place where you'll have the easiest time recovering both physically and mentally.  You have to get from under all that stress that you're currently facing.

The marriage is important, don't get me wrong, but your health is so much more important and it's your most pressing matter.  If you can stay and heal, there's nothing wrong with that.  But who would you have if you returned home?  I'd think about your imediate support systems, access to healthcare, and the people within your life.

Again, nobody can tell you to stay or go.  My main concern is you right now since you're not dealing with this well.  So many of us have been there, but we weren't alone and isolated like you are currently.



Hi Pook,

Thanks again for replying. I believe you're right, I need to find a safe space.

 82 
 on: June 16, 2026, 08:45:05 AM  
Started by hopefulbpdmom - Last post by hopefulbpdmom
Thanks, all. I want to help my younger daughter with boundaries and putting herself first, but that's a process and not one I can make happen. We are having a big party the following Sunday and her sister will be back in her home city by then. We'll save up for that special day and be more proactive for the next special occasion.

 83 
 on: June 16, 2026, 07:52:27 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pook075
Hi Pook,

Thank you. I was hoping it wouldn't be necessary to write again. But this is happening at it is what it is.

I am from the EU, and the country I moved to is also within the Schengen Area. Going back would not be hard. I am thinking about it. I  have learned the language. I had just found a part-time job when this all happened.

Part of me would like to stay, rebuild, recover. I am just so scared of what's ahead. I have never been this scared.

Hey Pluie,

Staying is certainly an option and it's 100% your choice.  I'd just advise you to get to the place where you'll have the easiest time recovering both physically and mentally.  You have to get from under all that stress that you're currently facing.

The marriage is important, don't get me wrong, but your health is so much more important and it's your most pressing matter.  If you can stay and heal, there's nothing wrong with that.  But who would you have if you returned home?  I'd think about your imediate support systems, access to healthcare, and the people within your life.

Again, nobody can tell you to stay or go.  My main concern is you right now since you're not dealing with this well.  So many of us have been there, but we weren't alone and isolated like you are currently.


 84 
 on: June 16, 2026, 06:57:49 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pluie
Hello and welcome back!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like a terrible situation all the way around.

First, do you have a valid passport?  If so, you can go to your US embassy in that country and they will get you a flight home.  If you don't have a valid passport, they'll help you get one.  I'm assuming you're American; I apologize if I'm wrong.  If you're from Europe or elsewhere though, the process is largely the same.  The embassy will help get you home or point to the resources that will.

To answer your question above directly, the way a person gets through something this horrible is by changing direction.  You can't stay on this path since it's clearly destructive.  Get home to family, get your health in order, get your mind in order.  The marriage stuff can wait...that's not important right now.

Hi Pook,

Thank you. I was hoping it wouldn't be necessary to write again. But this is happening at it is what it is.

I am from the EU, and the country I moved to is also within the Schengen Area. Going back would not be hard. I am thinking about it. I  have learned the language. I had just found a part-time job when this all happened.

Part of me would like to stay, rebuild, recover. I am just so scared of what's ahead. I have never been this scared.

 85 
 on: June 16, 2026, 06:51:54 AM  
Started by hopefulbpdmom - Last post by Pook075
Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish.

That's exactly what's happening and everyone is being manipulated in order for your BPD kid to enact revenge.  It's mean and spiteful for sure, so you only have two options:

1)  Confront the BPD daughter directly
2)  Do nothing and let her have the win

If you go with option 1, it will likely ruin the graduation event.  Maybe your BPD daughter doesn't even show up.  If you do option 2, the event goes on as planned and everyone is happy but you.  Option 3 could be talking to your younger daughter, but that's likely the worst option of all since you don't want to add pressure on her for a special day.  She's the one who gets to choose though and if she wants to placate her older sister, then so be it.

Nothing about this is fair and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

 86 
 on: June 16, 2026, 05:52:09 AM  
Started by hopefulbpdmom - Last post by Notwendy

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?


This is a great idea- or also do it after the graduation.

Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand the dynamics in my family of origin.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD mother perceived herself in victim perspective. Others were either "on her side" (rescuer) or "not her side" (persecutor). Triangulation is when she'd talk to someone about a third person- and get that person to be "on her side" with the other one not on her side.

Sadly, this kind of thing did cause divisions in the family.  If she rallied someone "to her side" "against" me- and I tried to clear the air with that person- they'd be stuck in the middle, having to choose.

Your younger D is caught in the middle and is trying to keep the peace. She doesn't want to have to choose between her sister and her parents.

These are difficult situations, they were quite hurtful at times. It doesn't seem fair that someone would do this with family members.

IMHO- and this is just how I see it- your best "defense" to this is to keep your strong bonds with your other children, without triangulating about their sister- so don't engage in discussions about her, which puts them in the middle. I learned that whatever I may have said to family members about my mother could potentially get back to her, as they'd feel a "dual loyalty".

Make your dinner with your D special time for the three of you. Make this a good celebration and memory. There will be less drama if it's just with your D. It's not what you planned but it still can be a good time.

You can also plan to do things with your other children, (your BPD daughter might decline or you may not wish to do this with her) each individually for their special days- birthdays, etc.

Don't change your family "all together" plans. This gives over power to your older D. I wouldn't exclude her by not inviting her. Leave this up to her to decline or accept. If she throws a tantrum- it will reflect on her. Eventually your kids, as adults, will decide their own relationship with her.

 87 
 on: June 16, 2026, 04:58:16 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pook075
I have always been an independent, resilient person, but I have never fallen this deep. How can one person go through all these events, all this pain, and keep going on?

Hello and welcome back!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like a terrible situation all the way around.

First, do you have a valid passport?  If so, you can go to your US embassy in that country and they will get you a flight home.  If you don't have a valid passport, they'll help you get one.  I'm assuming you're American; I apologize if I'm wrong.  If you're from Europe or elsewhere though, the process is largely the same.  The embassy will help get you home or point to the resources that will.

To answer your question above directly, the way a person gets through something this horrible is by changing direction.  You can't stay on this path since it's clearly destructive.  Get home to family, get your health in order, get your mind in order.  The marriage stuff can wait...that's not important right now.

 88 
 on: June 16, 2026, 04:48:37 AM  
Started by Ozzie101 - Last post by Pook075
I understand a lot of what’s going on psychologically and emotionally, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

In everything you just shared, you handled things almost perfectly every single time.  So why didn't it work?

The answer is mental illness, you can't fix it and you can't always make every moment magical.  That doesn't mean you did the wrong thing though and if you handled it differently, a few passing comments likely would have turned into an all-out war.  So even though it might not feel like it, these were small victories.

For instance, your husband wants your parent's religion to be centered around him.  That's ridiculous and we all know that.  But there's very little that can be done about that particular gripe.  In my opinion, that's just not a battle worth fighting.

I've fought that fight many times too.  My BPD daughter is LGBT and her friends have an "alternate" view of some scripture that makes their lifestyle okay.  My kid tries preaching this to me from time to time and I have to remind her, "I'll gladly listen to your religious viewpoints, but if I do, then I'm going to tell you what the Bible actually says and who you're actually worshipping." 

This makes her furious but after 4 or 5 times, she's realized that dad is not the person to preach to.  I'll respect her views only if she can respect mine.  We just don't have that discussion anymore because I've shown clearly that nothing good will ever come of it.

 89 
 on: June 16, 2026, 04:38:43 AM  
Started by hopefulbpdmom - Last post by js friend
Hi hopefulbpdmom,

Iam sorry that you are stessed instead of what should be a time of joy for your family. celebrating

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?


 90 
 on: June 16, 2026, 04:31:35 AM  
Started by very_scared - Last post by Pook075
Thank you so much Pook.  This was super helpful.

My gf has also brought up caretaking a child as being similar. To a large extent, I understand what this means. But it's helpful to hear what you said, which if I'm interpreting correctly means to truly refrain from taking things personally and being upset in order to actually be a calm source and foundation of support. Most of the time when I think, "think of them like a child who can't help themselves", it's more about excusing their behavior but still being upset by it and trying to bury that feeling, rather than actually overcoming it. Thank you.

As you become a parent, you'll learn that while you absolutely despise some of the things your kid might do, you still love them regardless.  All kids mess up and do incredible dumb or dangerous things at times.  It will drive you insane and you'll have those moments of yelling, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?"  And in the moment, the child might be terrified thinking, "Dad hates me!"  That's where you will need to find the balance of rules, dicipline, and still showing love. 

This is true for your girlfriend as well and why the analogy works.

Should you baby her?  No.  Should you just "let it slide" whenever she insults you?  No.  Go back to that crying baby though.  You can't look at a crying baby and say "stop crying!"  That never works.  First, you calm down the baby and just focus on the baby's temprament. 

The same is true in your case.  You help her calm down.  Later when she's calm is where the lesson comes in at- you really hurt me and that's not okay.

One issue I still end up dealing with is that not being sufficient even when I can. I'm often asked to "fix the situation now", especially when I'm far away at work and hardly have time to even look at my phone. I'm often told that I'm "not trying to mend the problem" and "not taking care" of her. I would love for their to be specific things I can do to help other than assure them that I care and love them and hear and understand what they are feeling, but this has shown to be "not good enough".

Here's the thing though: when your girlfriend is disordered, "fixing the situation" is not about the words coming out of her mouth.  She will insist that it is, of course, because she's mentally ill.  But the true fix is what we've already talked about.  She needs to calm down and stop reacting to everything emotionally.  It's like mixing fire + gasoline when you try to "problem solve" in the heat of the moment.  Whatever you say or do will be wrong because it's not about the actual stuff, it's about her spiraling emotions getting out of control.

What your girlfriend wants is an ally, someone to say, "I get why this is so hard right now and I'm on your side.  We'll fix this together.  Calm down, it's okay.  I've got you."

Now, when you're at work and she's spam-texting, obviously there's many problems there that you can't "fix".  But the more you work on what we've already talked about, the less you're going to get these explosive situations because she's going to be more stable and more trusting. 

All of this is ultimately a trust issue from her mental health thinking that you don't love her, you are going to leave her, etc.  That's "the problem" in 99% of her outbursts, even though she'd never say that.

One the second point: this seems really hard to do. When I try to say I need time to cool down before I say something I regret, she continues to insult me. In times where I've walked away, she's accused me of not caring. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's my responsibility to fix her being upset with me and her anger towards me, but that nothing I do works, and asking for what would be helpful is met with indignation that I'd even ask.

Is it your responsibility?  Eh, yes and no.  A good partner would do whatever they could to help them calm down, but there has to be a point where you put your own stability above hers.  I'm not saying to walk away every time she yells, because that only makes the problem larger (those thoughts of "he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me").

You should absolutely try to love her and support her through each crisis.  But if you feel like she's gone too far and you need to respond with being ugly, it's better to walk away.  Will she insult you in those times?  At first, yes...because she's unstable and lashing out.  But she was insulting you anyway.

So calm her down if possible, walk away if it's not possible.  But at the same time, you can still be affirming in those moments by saying something like, "I love you and I don't want to argue.  I need a few minutes to calm down."  Notice that's all about you; it's not about accusing her at all. 

If you say, "I love you but you're acting crazy and I can't deal with this," you're going to get explosive fury.  And if you stick around in these situations long enough, you're going to eventually say the worst possible thing because that's what she is doing.  So a strategic retreat while you're still calm is what's best for everyone, even if she protests.

Later, when she's calm, you can affirm that you're there for her and want to help, but the abusive stuff is too much for you at times.  That's not to "put her down" or "put her in her place", it's to talk about your emotional needs and how she makes you feel.

Now, this is ridiculously hard to do right and it's a process over time- not a one-time event and everything is fixed.  You'll have to learn healthy boundaries, leading with compassion when you're getting hate, and so many other skills.  It is super difficult and it's why most of these relationships fail.  The odds are against you because this is a selfless way to love.  But if you truly love her and can't live without her, then it's the only path that works long-term.

I wish you luck, my friend, and please keep asking the tough questions.  We may not have the answer every time, but we can certainly talk it out anyway.

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