Thanks they got back in touch 3 weeks ago and are currently in a push/pull where I have nice contact then horrible messages sent to me but they acknowledge that they’re struggling at the moment

 I have said many times in my posts that I'm sure BPD are far more aware of their actions than they would have us know. Yes, a lot of it is down to their illness but they also know how to 'switch it on/off' when they need to. Notice how they rarely rage at you when other people are around but will immediately have a meltdown when it's just the two of you.

Family and friends might not believe a BPD acts this way simply because they've never seen them act out in their presence - this is how a BPD can turn people against you and play the victim, claiming you're the one with the problems. My ex's family and friends were aware of her condition though so they knew I wasn't at fault.

They often claim you're 'not supporting them' but equally, if you show too much support and love they'll see you as 'overpowering and trying to control'. You really can't win and it just exhausts you

My own ex-BPD never showed any signs of self-harm but her moods were unbelievable, switching from 'love' to 'hate' in a split second. She was a great pool player but her BPD really showed itself as if anyone beat her she'd break up with me and leave. How do you deal with something as ridiculous as that??

It was only when she seemed to suddenly get far worse and was heading towards being violent - she had the jet-black eye pupils that indicate someone is mentally detached from reality and liable to do anything - that I finally saw the futility of continuing and called it a day, because now she was starting to scare me.

I can understand how frustrating this is. I think it would help to keep in mind that boundaries are about us, not another person.

We can't control what someone else says to us, or their thinking or feelings. All we can do is decide how we are going to respond to that.

It may also help to read about the Karpman triangle. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

From my own experience, and have also read this- pwBPD perceive themselves in Victim perspective. My BPD mother (now deceased) would describe situations where people were being mean to her. Whether or not it was true, it's how she perceived them. She could be manipulative too at times, so sometimes it wasn't possible to know what actually happened.

When adult children are raised in a family with a disordered person, we may be in roles of either Rescuer or Persecutor in relation to that person. Triangle dynamics are dysfunctional but in these families, they are the "normal" patterns we learn, and also may be the "normal" your mother is used to.  However, taking on any role in this dynamic usually leads to being split on- us in Persecutor role.

One suggested boundary here could be "I won't "rescue" BPD mother from an interpersonal dispute, if there wasn't actual harm done to her that you can see". This is a boundary that involves your response- and so you decide that. It doesn't mean you don't ever help out- if she needs help with something- you can assist her but if she comes to you saying someone yelled at her, or was mean to her, you don't need to act on that.

This kind of situation happened in my mother's elder years. If a caregiver urged her to do something- like take medicine- she'd say the caregiver was mean to her, but the caregiver was just doing her job. Sometimes we kids would be the ones she felt somehow "hurt" her but we didn't do anything wrong.

Although you feel you can not let your mother get away with what she did, attempts to go back on this with her are not likely to be effective and may even escalate the drama in this situation. Your mother is not likely to change. The more effective approach is to have a boundary that applies to you- like not intervening in her interpersonal issues without having proof of actual harm to her.

* not 'failed' but 'disappointed' was what he said. After what had begun as a nice dinner and evening out, he had somehow started going on about how I had been this guiding star for him and now he realised I wasn't and I didn't *really* believe all the things I had said previously - he was almost shouting. He started speaking about self-harm, saying that he wanted to do it then aggressively getting in my face and saying 'you're not reacting! You're supposed to be the closest person to me and I'm saying I want to hurt myself and you're not reacting!'

At the time, what I saw was his pain (and my exhaustion). In hindsight, what I see is that it was manipulative and aggressive.

Pete, that's a great point - that the logical conclusion of the 'what ifs' is that the relationship would have ended sooner. It makes me want to reframe my question from 'what if I did X to save the relationship, to 'what if I had responded as I should have?'

The first time BPDx and I had a fight, we had been together less than 2 months. I'd gone to visit him in his city and it had gone badly. I stated that I felt angry and unsupported because they hadn't done some tasks they'd promised to do to help me, before I came (a 13 hour train ride). I also emphasized that my feelings were not necessarily the whole story, and that I knew he also tried hard to support me in other ways.

BPDx responded by lashing out at me, then spending the next many hours crying and successively messaging/ calling everyone he knew (friends, family) to say that he was a bad person. With the result that many of them called back in concern, which he related to me as if it were my fault. Among the people he called was the affair partner with whom he had destroyed his previous live in relationship. He didn't disclose this to me at the time, he described to me as 'my friend'. He played me off against her, emphasising how she was 'there for' him during this terrible experience.

He also said he couldn't imagine how he could ever trust or feel the same for me again. Bear in mind that I had previously spent a full month  just before keeping him under near 24 hour watch, because of his mental health. He had been effusive about how in love he was, how I had 'healed him' etc, yet one conflict or critical remark was enough to completely derail this.

I ended up apologising and struggling to 'fix things', resulting in re-idealisation.

If I had acted as I should have, I would have at minimum demanded that he seek and enter formal mental health treatment at this point. And also not continued the relationship without full acknowledgement of how unstable his actions were, and commitment to change.

It's weird because at the time, I very quickly realised he met the criteria for BPD, and that his actions were kind of, well, crazy. And yet I didn't insist on the above because... well... I don't know. I wanted to believe he was a reasonable person, that the fairytale partnership I had been offered was still viable. Those were my delusions, not his. 

Under The Bridge, it's funny you use the 'failed them' phrase because that's exactly what BPDx said to me during one of his last 3.5 hour spirals. Hours later, he was happy and 'fine' again and seemed to want to act like it had never happened. The double standard between what I was supposed to just absorb, and his propensity to meltdown from much less, is stunning.

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're feeling desperate.  If you need a break, I think you should take one.  Maybe that looks like going for a walk outside.  Maybe it's getting some rest.  Maybe it's getting some space.  Maybe it's talking to a trusted friend, vocalizing your confusing thoughts, getting a reality check.  Maybe it's talking to a therapist.  Or putting thoughts into words here.

Just know that you're not to blame for your husband's BPD behaviors, no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.

What would you say has gotten you this point, if you care to share?  Is your husband abusive towards you?  Is he trying to isolate you from other people?  Is he having meltdowns over seemingly nothing, and making you feel as if you're walking on eggshells? Are you exhausted because even though you've tried everything to please him, it's never enough?  Is he blaming you for all his problems?

Maybe now you need some firmer boundaries.  You don't have to listen to yelling, insults, unfounded accusations, threats, tantrums.  You could leave the room if your husband becomes unhinged--giving him time and space to calm down.  Think of it as an adult time out for him, but also for you.  You could leave the home if necessary--go to a store, a park, a library, a friend or neighbor's house, anywhere to get a little space and let things calm down.  That's not avoidance, that's energy management--because when emotions are boiling over, problems aren't being solved anyway.  You only engage with him when you are both calm and rational.  If he's having a tantrum and you can't get a time out, then you can try the gray rock method--staying as still and emotionless as a gray rock, so as not to add emotional fuel to his fire.  How does that sound?

I feel I am having somewhat of a mental break. I just can’t take my husbands BPD anymore. Was looking for an online session somewhere but have been unable to find anything. Don’t really know what I need besides to not feel alone. It’s been a very, very hard day and I’m just about at my emotional end.

Hello. I've lived with my BPD/NPD mother for 10 years. She's getting worse. She's 67. Today she sucked me into one of her games. She told me a technician who came to the house to look at our trees, laughed at her, and made her cry. I fell for it and wrote an email to the company. They emailed me back, saying a manager would get a hold of me. When I talked to the manager, he told me his two guys, (my mom told me only one guy was there), interacted, and assumed everything was okay. She didn't seem agitated or upset when they left. I am left not knowing what to do. Why would someone risk their $30 an hour job to make fun of someone? It doesn't make sense. Why would she lie to me? When I got home, I thought she would say something, but she has remained silent. She hasn't asked me if I reported him or anything. Usually, she is very nosy. Lately, she is very detached. I am frustrated and confused. I also feel guilty for writing that email and potentially getting two guys in trouble for something they didn't do. She has always been manipulative, but this is new to me. She's never involved someone else. I don't let her get away with gaslighting, guilt trips, or making me feel bad anymore, and I feel like I can not let her get away with this. This is a boundary that has to be set, and right now she can split me all she wants. Thank you in advance for any help. I need all I can get.

Thank you for this -- and for all your helpful posts.

I think it's important to share these good moments as well as our challenges.  I spent a long time despairing.  It was always good to hear when others made progress.

In case it helps anybody else.... I think big turning points for me included realizing that it's really ok if the ubpd person in my life thinks I'm a bad person (or behaving badly) and that I have a right to be happy and act on my needs and values.

A motto I've heard in recent years is, "Don't let other people rent space in your head for free."  It sounds so simple but it's not easy.  This is a dysfunctional issue that you've faced your entire life.  Making improvements in your life will take time and determination.  But we are confident you will be rewarded for doing so.

Now that you've chosen and started down a new path in a positive direction, subsequent steps will become less and less stressful.  We look forward to hearing good things from you!  And when there are setbacks - sort of "two steps forward and one step back" - feel free to consult us and let us cheer you on to your better future.