I think it's wise to be proactive for yourself- in the event your concerns happen, but also- even if it's the relationship that motivated her- getting her own place and a job is a big step and that she pulled this off is something to consider.

While you anticipate the potential issues for your wife- and they are not unfounded, it's also possible she might pull it off. It's not unheard of that someone has felt expectations to be in a heterosexual marriage and later discovers same sex feelings. Anything could happen from now on- she may stay with the GF, or find a new one.

There was a chicken-egg effect with my BPD mother. She had low independent functioning and would escalate if she wanted something or wanted something done. So we'd step in an get it or do it for her, to defuse the situation. This reinforced her behavior and her helplessness, so each increased. It takes effort to do something on one's own, and so- BPD mother's default was to get aggitated, or threat, or yell, and so we'd do it. The other aspect of this was that BPD mother did not gain a sense of accomplishment.

Each of us were a part of this behavior. Us, overfunctioning for her/her underfunctioning. Now that your wife has taken this step- whatever happens is a large part up to her. You can only control your part- which is to stop overfunctioning for her- and in terms of what a counselor would say "get out of her way". Let her either succeed or fail, and learn from that.

Chances are- you have always been the sole parent in terms of a parenting role, with BPD mother taking more like the role of a teen babysitter if this involves watching TV with the kids. It will take some effort and additional cost to fill this role but that's the situation for single parents. For summer- older teens and college students are more available for babysitting jobs, there are day camps, after school summer programs. It will be good for the kids too- they get bored staying around the house all day in summer. During the school year, after school programs fill the gap between school and work hours. You may find your work production increases without the stresses at home.

If there is no returning back to the status quo- now is time to consult an attorney for information. This isn't filing for divorce- yet or ever- it's to know your options and what to do if you want to work in this direction, and how this situation may affect decisions like custody and alimony. Some states require a time period of separation. This situation may qualify as that. I am not a lawyer but I can imagine that being the main parent and your wife working, and also having another partner would work in your favor.

Note- I am not posting a run message. It's a "be informed of your options" message.

I have finally finished a family scrapbook. I am NC with bpdsis & her daughter. My original intent was to send copies to my niece(in care of my sister, so she could see it too) plus 2 nephews. I am having 2nd thoughts about sending 1 to my niece. I don't think I will regret it if I don't send it. I don't think my sister will even care like my brother does. Also, I don't want her to think it is an open door to re-establish contact. Would sending it be the right thing to do? I just don't know what to do.
     Thanks for reading.

Hello everyone. I am Steady Harbor (SH for short). I grew up with a close family member who had BPD, which was very trying as a child. My partner has BPD, I am just now realizing. I just kind of woke up to the fact that her angry outbursts, with no clear provocation, and her splitting of people into bad/good (mostly bad) -fit the pattern. Its always "felt" like BPD to me, but until now I either denied or didn't realize that all of the signs are right in front of me. I mostly want help to make sure the children involved are well cared for and loved (it can be pretty harsh).
-SH

Update here - hopefully it will address some of the issues you all brought up.

First of all, it is basically a "handshake lease", where the landlord did not do a background check or require much of a deposit (only $500).  Seems unlikely in the current times, but she was able to persuade the landlord that she would have a job come fall and he trusted her.  The SSDI per month is about twice the rent.  If she isn't able to work a full time job, a part time job plus SSDI and some budgeting would be enough to keep her own place.  My conversation with her prior to looking for apartments was that if she found a place and was approved, I would help her move in, but she would be responsible for maintaining her own place after that.  Frankly, I thought that her finding a place was next to impossible in the first place, so the details of the second part were unimportant.  She really lucked out here. 

I will point out that my stress level is greatly reduced since she left.  Orders of magnitude less.  I feel like I can work towards real solutions now rather than put out fires.  The BPD issues arent gone; they just aren't in my physical space anymore.  So, when she was texting me grim and potentially suicidal messages the other night, I was able to simply say "I'm sorry you are feeling that way" and say goodnight and plan on calling for a wellness check if I did not hear from her then next morning.  Much easier than her keeping me awake with her self harm threats until 3am.  For the time being, this is a comfortable place for me. 

She did manage to get hired for a full time job today, but it does not start until July.  My worry, though, is her keeping the job.  She's been hired for more jobs in the 13 years I have known her than I have in my whole life, but the average amount of time she has been able to keep those jobs is about 2 months or less.  Her relationship with the new GF I try to stay away from - but it's very apparent BPD has entered the room, and the new GF has responded with boundaries, to which BPDw has reacted to with boundary-crossing behaviors (obsessing, stalking, text bombing, etc).  Now that I have a step outside the FOG, it is very obvious to see.  I have concerns that her quick push for independence is mostly motivated by this new relationship and challenges to that RS will challenge her desire for independence.

Knowing the benefit to me and the kids that she not be under the same roof as me, I see a few looming challenges:
1)  Her not being able to keep the job.  I am curious to see how she handles it if she is forced to.
2)  The inevitable falling out with GF.  It's guaranteed and guaranteed to be ugly.  I need strong boundaries here.  I feel it will be easier to have those boundaries if she is not in the house.  But - it is to a point where going back to the status quo is impossible. 
3) Preparing myself for having 100% of the parenting duties.  I see this as highly likely that work or relationship drama will reduce her capacity to be a functioning parent.  Not that she has been much of a functioning parent for the past few years, but at least right now I can depend on her to be with the kids while I work - even if they are just watching television.

I agree- she didn't mean it and didn't follow through on her threat and actually do it. I didn't outright suggest it to Dad and he rarely said anything about it- but probably in response to her and if he did, and I also said it- he sometimes got angry.  He didn't follow through with it either.

They may not have meant it when they said it,  but as kids, we took our parents' word as real. We had no real idea about what went into a marriage or a relationship. After we had heard it a lot we felt - if this is what she really wants and it would make her happy, then OK".

Indeed this is what I call "nuclear" escalation.  And you're right--it's a bully move.  Since the pwBPD in my life is a stepdaughter and not a spouse, she'd threaten suicide, not divorce, to get her way.  But I think it's the same sort of thing--a dire threat.  Maybe the threat is sometimes a bluff, sometimes a wish fulfillment, and sometimes serious.  I think in practice, it can be a mix of all these things, depending on the mood of the moment.  Maybe she's capable of following through, and maybe she's not.  I'd say if she's highly dysfunctional, actually following through a multi-step process like a divorce--hiring an attorney, finding somewhere else to live, actually moving out and living on her own--might seem implausible or impossible for some.  In other words, the practical realities of planning and execution might get in her way, because she's simply too reliant on others for day-to-day functioning.  But not all pwBPD are dysfunctional.

To get back to the spirit of the original poster's question, of whether some people seem predisposed to attract pwBPD, and are they more inclined to tolerate bullying and abuse more than others?  I just don't know if there's a personality type that is predisposed to that.  But I definitely think that pwBPD can "mask" their bullying tendencies when they want to, for example when they're in the beginning of a romantic relationship.  I'd say the masking isn't "intentional" or malevolent, but rather related to the general bliss of falling in love at first, with an emphasis on FALLING--a sudden, intense and almost carefree state.  I could see that many people would adore falling in love, succumbing to the most powerful force in the universe.  Yet for me, I think I wouldn't want to completely "lose myself" (lose control), just for love.  I guess for me, love is less about falling and more about growing.  I see love as starting out small, and with nurturing and care, growing into something bigger.  Maybe I'm just wired that way.

Finally, when it comes for tolerance of bullying and abuse, I think the question might hinge on options.  Some people might feel trapped (i.e. without options)--because of religious beliefs, financial constraints, age, love, employment situation, social status, kids, whatever.  But I happen to think that mindset is also important.  A "scarcity" mindset is sort of a fear-based mindset that resources like money, time, love, success are limited and fixed.  I think that many people who grew up amid scarcity tend to have a scarcity mindset.  But a "growth" mindset is basically the opposite, based on confidence.  I think that having a growth mindset creates options, and with more choices, there's typically a path to something better, whatever that might look like.

Wow I'm rambling today.

It does come as a huge relief when we finally realise that our partner acted the same way with everyone as they did with us. It's quite scary how we know deep inside that we're decent people who have been loving and caring, but we've been made to feel we're somehow the bad guys.

I think even the strongest of us might still have a little self-doubt at times and BPD - from a skilled manipulator - plays upon this massively. We ignore so many red flags too but that's how a BPD relationship can bewitch you, at least in the early stages.


A pity there wasn't an indicator light that comes on when a BPD is acting up, saying 'This is their illness doing this' or 'They know exactly what they're doing'.

... my money would be on the latter statement most of the time.

It may appear the children ignore the rants and rages - they are used to it - but they truly are impacted.  This is "normal" for them, all they know in their childhood.  Well, except for the time they do have with you.

One concern is telling your spouse too soon, before you have your plans finalized and secure, well, as secure as you can make it.  It gives him opportunity to sabotage and time to wear your determination down.

Be prepared that if it's worse than you hope for then you have an alternate place you can stay until you depart.

As others suggested, have your friends nearby for support and/or rescue.  Don't tell them you'll call them when your encounter is done.  That may be a bit late.  Ask them to call you or, better, show up so any negative reaction, whatever it is, is cut short.

Well, my daughter was relatively young when we got divorced; we fought around her, for sure (BPDxw had no qualms about exploding in front of family), but divorce didn't really come up in such instances.  Later in our marriage, as between her and I, BPDxw would threaten it as a bully move to end arguments.  For example, I'd say "My parents want to come visit for a weekend" and she'd pick a fight over that request and then say if I didn't like it, I should just divorce her. 

I don't know what her thinking was; I said to her a few times "If the only option you're giving me is divorce, what do you think is going to happen?"  That would enrage her more.  She didn't actually want divorce, and when I had moved out and filed, she begged me to reconsider and said she couldn't believe it was really happening.  I guess when making those threats, she felt like I wouldn't actually do it, or she could prevent it by seizing all our assets so I couldn't hire an attorney (which she did try to do on the eve of our final split).  Or maybe it just seemed to be not a "final" break.  In her own country her parents were divorced, but had done so only to shield assets from the people her father owed money to, and they still lived together (and fought constantly). 

I assume your mom felt the same way when threatening divorce: it was just another step up the escalation ladder, and not a real thing that could happen to her.  The fallout from it, the fear it provoked in her family, was not something she was concerned about, and maybe even would approve of, since fear meant it was an effective threat.

When I say I wish other people had been more supportive of a move to divorce, I'm thinking of a few occasions earlier in our marriage when family members saw her blow up and suggested to me that I should consider my outs; that our marriage might not work.  I did speak to a friend-of-a-friend who is an attorney, and he said she would "take me to the cleaners" which was nonsense (I've since learned he is not a very competent attorney).  So I felt like divorce wasn't an option at the time, or would be so ruinous that trying to make it work despite feeling in my gut that it was futile, was the better outcome.  I wish family members could've directed me to formally go speak with an actual family law attorney & given me some practical guidance on how I could manage it.  I think, if my daughter is ever in my same shoes, I'd be more proactive with her, so she knows how divorce works, and that she can count on me for support if she needs to leave someone.