WOW! Yes, my heart hurts and I come across as weak. I am just tired... Fighting is a waste of time. I have felt like they want to force me to believe that I cannot accept that they are different expecting me to not be yourself either. It feels like because I don't want to fight, she insists that I want to fight. I am exhausted!

YES, it does! I remember myself feeling so lost and when I share that, it comes back as,"Well you don't understand what we (trannies) have to face". They refuse to acknowledge the calculations of a person giving and sharing to depletion. Then what? Where to when there is nothing left to share because I am human and I run out of steam for myself?

Hi there,

My adult BPD stepdaughter has put her family through several periods of estrangement and no contact.  Sometimes the reason is partially clear, and sometimes not so much.  Since she has gotten treatment for BPD, the frequency, intensity and duration of her emotional reactions have lessened, but she still retreats and cuts off contact sometimes.  I've come to view these periods as "adult time outs."  She needs time and space to get herself together.  Sometimes I think she's dealing with a lot of insecurity, shame and (misplaced) anger.  She has struggled with "adulting" and doesn't like feeling so dysfunctional and judged, yet at the same time, she has a victim mindset and tends to blame her family for her problems.  She feels "behind" her siblings and peers, and in some ways, she is.  Thus pulling away from parents can be a way she asserts her independence.  At the same time, she might believe that her estrangement is a punishment for the offending parent--which gives her a sense of power and control, which she desperately lacks in her life at the moment.  Sadly, the estrangement makes her feel more alienated, when what she craves is acceptance and belonging.  I bet sometimes she tells herself that her parent is toxic, as this belief is easier for her to swallow than for her to admit that she herself is the cause of her ongoing problems.

My approach has been to give her the space that she's indicating she needs.  When she needs help, she'll ask for it.  Usually she'll resume contact in a matter of days or weeks, typically with a request for money and/or help.  When contact is resumed, I pretend like she never cut me or her dad out.  I try not to dwell on whatever transpired and certainly don't remind her, either.

Regarding holidays, my approach has been to invite her, but never to pressure her to show up.  It's entirely up to her if she visits or not.  My approach regarding gifts is always to buy her something.  If she shows up, then she gets Christmas or birthday presents.  If not, I'll put the gift(s) away for another time, or give it to someone else.  I think this is better than mailing a gift, because when she's not communicating, she doesn't want to be reminded of us.  A couple of times she has tossed away a mailed gift, or tried to return it to the sender, and that's just a waste.  I don't tell her that giving her gifts in person is my "policy" with her, I just do it that way.

As for communicating by text, my advice is not to "beg" her to reply or to come visit.  I'd say, respect your daughter's desire for space.  I would text her to send holiday wishes, or to invite her to come over for family gatherings or major holidays, but I wouldn't expect a reply.  Basically I'd text her like I would text a distant cousin--rarely, with short messages, and neutral/upbeat content only; no missives or emotional content whatsoever.  I know you are worried about her, but if you "beg"  her to update you on her status, you'll likely pique her.  She's smart, if she needs help, she'll ask for it, or she'll call 911.  In the meantime, you can feel proud that she's carving out an independent, adult's life for herself.  If she can do that for any meaningful stretch of time without needing your constant support, she AND you have done a fantastic job.

Just my two cents.

And actually he may behave a bit worse with you since you have a close and private relationship.  He likely behaves worse in private scenarios where he can let his hair down and let go since those are most likely with you.  BPD is a disorder impacting most the close relationships.  Others on the periphery may think he's a bit "off" but it doesn't impact them due to their relative distance.

Most here report the relationship started great, almost idolized, but later worsened.  I think that's when the relationship becomes more obligated or committed, such as after some time has passed, after married or when children.  By then we felt stuck, made to feel at fault and told that if only we changed and tried harder then it would get better.  But it didn't.

BPD "FOG" = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Hello. First post here. My 24 year old daughter, I believe has BPD. She is currently undiagnosed. About a year ago after a particularly intense episode of rage directed at me I spent days googling and came across this site as well as others that pointed to what seems like high functioning BPD. Looking back over her life she has exhibited many of the symptoms for years. I started her in therapy as a young teen and she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but never BPD. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize this much earlier as I could have done things much differently, validating and JADE, etc. She does live alone and has a job and supports herself. For that I am grateful. But she seems to have cut me off. No explanation. No telling me to leave her alone just unresponsive to calls and texts. I have always been her figurative punching bag. I’ve walked on eggshells for years with her. I had resigned myself to just take her verbal attacks and put up with them since we don’t see her often. ( We moved a few hours away from her a couple of years ago). She had kept in contact with my husband though. The past month or so she has stopped responding to hi.  He is upset and confused as well. With the holidays coming up, I don’t even know her plans. I’m not sure…do I send her a Christmas gift?  Will that make things better or worse?  This is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The tears come so easily lately.  Has anyone been through this experience of just not being responded to?  I don’t want to chase her but don’t want to give up. But is it healthier to just give up and mentally move on?  How does someone do that?This BPD is so confusing to me. Any advice is greatly appreciated

It is most definitely not your fault; he has a mental illness which can change literally by the minute. Even he doesn't know how he's going to be at any given moment so how can you ever know and hope to cope?

BPD is contrary to everything we know as 'logical'. It has no rules and involves fantasies and supposed 'offenses' against them which only exist in the head of the sufferer. To them, these fantasies are real and you cannot convince them otherwise. None of us could.

If he hadn't been with you, he'd be acting exactly the same way with whoever he was with and no doubt that person would be also be feeling guilty that they somehow failed him. It's a predictable, repeating script which BPD sufferers are locked into but I believe they are far more aware of their actions than they would have us believe.

They excel at manipulation and making us the guilty ones who have somehow failed. The BPD person is, in their mind only, always 'the victim', never the aggressor.

So please try to stop feeling guilty. From your words it's easy to see that you're a caring person who has tried their best and gone way beyond what was expected of them - as we all did in our own relationships.

I'm a little unclear on the long lack of contact with the kids?  I would have had the impression that a no-contact order would have applied to the parents, not the kids?  I must be missing something here.

Years ago, well after we parents were separated, my ex had claimed in court that she couldn't talk with "her" child the weekend before.  She of course made it appear that I was blocking contact.  The reality was the opposite.

• My son and I had taken a gentle canoe ride on a local scenic river and my phone got wet and died.
• From home  I set up a greeting that my cell phone was out of order and to call the house phone.  No calls over the weekend.
• Late Sunday night I checked my cell's VMs and she was screaming to talk to her son.  In order to leave a VM should would have had to listen to my changed greeting.
• Monday morning as we prepared to leave for daycare I called her on the house phone and put our child on the phone.
• I replaced my phone on Wednesday.  We had a previously scheduled court appearance on Thursday where my ex sidetracked a magistrate we'd never met before, framing me as the bad guy.
• The irate magistrate, behind her daily schedule by that time, did not inquire of me why parental contact didn't happen.  I was berated and order issued that parents get DAILY phone contact.
• That order persisted until years later a better magistrate canceled it.

Clearly, ordering daily contact was over the top and too onerous over the months and years.  On the other hand, I do believe that, unless not advisable for good reason, you should have regular contact with your children.  Your ex, sure, don't reach out to a problem person, but the kids need your contact.  That's why I think there's some issue I'm not discerning.

Okay, I re-read the post and apparently you just got an order where she can't contact the kids while they're with you.  Do I have that right? Or can you too not contact the kids while they're with her?

What is the parenting schedule?  If it's that bad then why would they be so long with her?

hey OP — first, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post, two things can be true at once: (1) you’re doing a lot right already (lawyer retained, documentation started, reality-testing with trusted people), and (2) the mix of fear + urgency can make even solid plans feel shaky. A few thoughts from someone who’s walked a high-conflict path and gathered advice from clinicians, lawyers, and other parents:

1) “Scorched earth” vs. “credible, child-centered”

Courts tend to reward documentation, consistency, and child focus more than theatrics. Be wary of any plan that asks you to provoke your spouse to “show her true self.” That can look manipulative and backfire.

A strong middle path is: protect the kids, protect yourself, and avoid avoidable fights. You don’t have to be passive—just strategic.

2) Safety first (quietly and immediately)

Create a private safety plan. Examples: a packed go-bag, copies of key docs offsite, a list of safe places to stay, and a code word with a friend.

If there’s any chance of escalation, ask your attorney about temporary orders that address parenting time, exclusive use of the home, and communications boundaries.

3) Documentation that actually helps

Keep a contemporaneous log (date, time, what happened, impact on the kids). Stick to observable facts; no diagnoses.

Track kid-centric items: missed pickups, school issues, medical no-shows, and your corrective steps. Judges care about functioning.

Save third-party corroboration (teacher notes, therapist appts kept, report cards, pediatrician portals).

Use BIFF communication (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). It’s boring—and that’s the point. If you must email: “Noted. I’ll pick up at 3:15 as scheduled.” No arguments in writing.

4) Parenting plan strategy for high-conflict

Consider parallel parenting language (clear exchanges, limited direct contact, documented channels only).

Specify decision-making domains (medical, education, mental health) and tie them to timelines (e.g., “non-emergencies answered within 48 hours”).

Build in right of first refusal rules, exchange locations, and a shared calendar requirement.

Ask your lawyer about tools like a parenting app (OurFamilyWizard, etc.) so the paper trail is organized.

5) Professionals and process

A GAL/custody evaluator can focus the case on best interests if credibility battles erupt. Ask your attorney when/if that’s wise in your venue.

Child therapy can both help your kids and create neutral records of functioning (don’t coach; just ensure access and attendance).

If your current lawyer says they’re HCP-savvy, pressure test them:

“What are our options for temporary orders and how do we show status quo stability for the kids?”

“What exhibits best demonstrate parenting consistency?”

“What’s our plan if false allegations surface?” (script + evidence list + contact strategy)

6) Plan for the hard possibilities without living in them

Have a contingency tree: A) allegations → response packet; B) non-compliance → motion/enforcement; C) co-parenting breakdown → request for specific decision-making authority.

Also have a best-case path documented (clean exchanges, therapy, stable schedule). Courts like parents who keep the door open to calmer solutions.

7) Money and stamina

High-conflict cases are marathons. It helped me to understand fee structures and budget guardrails up front (retainers, billable increments, what to delegate to paralegals). This plain-English breakdown was useful when I built my “war-chest” spreadsheet: Divorce Attorney Fees: What They Cover and How They Add Up
. (Not legal advice; just a practical explainer.)

8) Gut check on the “expert”

A consultant who guarantees outcomes or recommends pushing buttons is a red flag. Courts notice who’s escalating.

Your divorce coach noting you’re in better shape matters; resilience + steady documentation beats panic.

9) For tonight

Sleep in the safest room you have; keep your phone charged.

Move your log and key files to a secure location/cloud.

Draft three BIFF templates you can paste into emails/texts this week.

Schedule one kid-positive thing (walk, board game). “Glorious” time with them is fuel—you’ll need it.

You’re not naive for wanting 50/50 and a peaceful future. You’re a parent trying to protect your kids while exiting a painful system. Keep driving toward “calm, consistent, child-first.” That’s the lane judges recognize—and it’s sustainable for you and your daughters. Sending you steadiness.

Hi LodiLady,

There was a time when my udd had everyone wrapped around her finger too and she really played on this. Even the family therapist we went to see when udd was a teen ended up dxing ME as an overbearing mother and that udd was just trying to find her own way in life!.

It took me a while to stop confronting the people who challenged me on udd's behalf because dd would make out that I was such a tyrant that she just didnt have the courage to say what she wanted to say to me, but  I knew 100% that eventually that those same people who were speaking up for udd with so much passion would be also be the ones to be turned against in the future.

I think it comes quite easily for pwbpd to pit people against each other. It has happened in my family and your husband is no exception to this rule. Where there is a weak link your udd will find it and exploit it. My guess is he stays in the background for an easier life especially when we are getting on in age. It doesnt make a happy home and Iam glad that you are now focusing on yourself. 

You should make it your New Years resolution!

The days of god speaking to people ended in the days of Jesus and the apostles.  Back then the christian congregation was just starting.  But today, the aid we get is more indirect.

Frankly, infidelity is basis historically to end a marriage.  The other mate can decide to forgive or, if not, then the marriage can end.


I was watching an interview by Tucker Carlson in the past week where the doctor stated there is clear physical damage to brains of those using/abusing marijuana.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist help from those closest to them, it's part of the disorder.  What that means is that you can't fix him.  In general terms the most you can do is support recovery but only if he seeks to recover.

Is he sending back part of his paycheck for the family's expenses?


Stop.  No, it is not your fault.  None of us are perfect.  You did try for all these years.  You may have some degree of "fault" but compare that to the "fault" he has caused and continues causing.  If you were on teeter totters like in a children's playground, wouldn't it be a hugely lopsided result?  So stop letting him guilt you overmuch.