I had to end it. The final straw was her attacking me because I 'abandoned' her after she strayed from our goal of walking to a bus stop to get back home. Police were involved and well you know the rest. We lived together so its complicated especially with a 5 yr no contact order and most of her things at my home. I have no intention of trying to drop the charges. This is one of my many conundrums. I refuse to take any of the consequences (5 yr active supervision, Moral and ethics classes, anger management classes) away from her because of her behavior. She is prescribed Adderall, and a couple of other meds but doesn't take the full dose everyday because she is afraid of running out so by not taking the whole dose she is able to prolong the refill. That makes absolutely no sense to me. We were friends before our 4 month romance and not friends anymore because of it. I still spend a few moments everyday (its been a month) bringing myself to the point of outward emotion. And questioning everything of its reality. It is truly bewildering to me how utterly insane the behavior of this gf of mine is somehow 'my fault'. I played a part in this and am aware of that. I lashed out. Harshly. And I started to detach at some point after she told me not to kiss her one day after work because she just had sex with someone right after going to jail for theft of some things at a gas station. I could go on for awhile and may just write a book about it all. We have a roommate who was outside shooting his BB pistol, well my gf locks the doors calls the police saying there is a guy with a gun trying to get in the house. So police dept (all of them) get there with all the fanfare guns drawn ready to take the intruder away. They put guy in handcuffs check out the gun. Then they find out he is the roommate just outside target shooting with a bb gun and was just trying to get back in the house. It only gets worse. She told the police on a different occasion that my friends were trying to crawl through the bathroom window to rape her, she thinks the neighbors are exchanging her cat for another one to take her cat to go have urethra sex with it. Because her cat acts differently depending on my gf behavior that day. Mind you her cat has very distinctive marks that would tell you there's no way that's happening. There was SOMETHING ev-er-y single day. I blamed her for so many things going wrong with our relationship. I still do. I am sorry for that. I feel guilt. Because she is now in a homeless shelter. She has burnt so many bridges that her mom and her daughter don't want to deal with her. Including not letting my gf see her grandson. Because of her behavior. The paranoia she feels comes from thinking people are listening to her (she whispers at times) and following her because they think she has something to do with the demise of her old boss' husband in Arizona. She didn't, but that's her paranoia. This is why I am having a hard time: she didn't work last 4 months after getting fired so I supported her our entire relationship. Her meds, place to live gas for the car food clothing cigarettes. She would purposely pick an argument with someone (a guy walks by her doesn't touch her but she will say something to the guy like did you just touch my ass?) and make a big scene with me knowing it was all on purpose to illicit some reaction from me I think. Not sure. So its very difficult for me (I am a child sexual abuse survivor from a family member) to not retreat when faced with incredibly charged emotions that I don't understand nor know how to process. So as you can imagine I have many concerns from will I ever understand to I don't want her to think of me as 'discarded'. Because that is the absolute worst feeling I can realize. I went through it as a kid being abused by my older brother. I tried and I tried. Only to be labeled as discarded? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time everyday with that. Knowing I invested a ton while I never say effort from her. What do I need to do to move past this? If possible. I mean we are kind of bonded because of this domestic violence thing for 5 years and I look at her things in my house and get triggered by them all the time. All day every day. I miss her. But I don't. Its too bad because I truly loved her. 

to echo this, therapy alone is absolutely nothing. I was in couples counseling with me ex, she smiled, downplayed things and didn't really even bring up her concerns. Only real thing was her saying 'I don't feel heard' aka I don't agree with every accusation or concern she had. Agree to disagree was never on the table. Plus she was in individual therapy for YEARS before me. I'm unsure what she ever shared as her reporting back to me was her saying her therapist thought I was the issue, so of course one sided, no context or even made up scenarios. Even for normal people it's hard to see yourself as a problem in situations, for them it's 100x worse.

CPH73,
I'm new here as well. There is much understanding, and caring in this community. Just that helps in a big way. You'll read other's stories challenges and successes. The Library has been helpful with advice on communication..  . that I'm just beginning to put into practice. Take care of yourself during this visit. Be sure to love yourself as you're showing love to your son.

Thank you Diamond69,
This is a hard walk changing how I show love and support to my son. Knowing others understand and see relief at times and even growth for our kids, loved ones and ourselves is encouraging. 

Thank you ❤️

I can totally relate to how you feel.  My son is almost 27 and I feel like I’ve been on the same rollercoaster as you described (and CC43–they really described the situation with my son so accurately!).  I do feel like the Family Connections course has helped me resisting jumping in to fix things and to learn to keep things short and simple, especially during a meltdown when I tended to try to “get in his head” emotionally which just made things worse.   Now I try to just validate and wait until he asks for my opinion/advice/help instead of jumping in.  But it is hard and goes against that maternal instincts…

You're in the right place to find others who have been through what you're going through now. I read through your post and noted the many 'standard' behaviours of someone with BPD - it really is amazing how symptoms run to a script which always repeats.

You said she was 'misdiagnosed', which I take to mean that she's had professional diagnosis?  People with BPD often refuse to believe they even have a problem and maintain it's all their partner's fault; another standard symptom of the illness.

You say you are in therapy at the moment but is she? Without it she is unlikely to improve and maybe not even then. It's very important that you don't blame yourself for her actions because even if you were 100% faultless and a perfect human being, she would still act the same way because they see - and imagine - things their own way, which in their mind is always correct. It's very easy to slip into self-blame and we've all done it to one extent or another but she is the one with a serious, debilitating illness, not you.

You can give and take equally in a relationship and that's how it should be, but it's not good to simply endure an abusive relationship at the expense of your own physical and mental health.

If she's not in therapy at the moment, do you think she would do it and more importantly, stick with it?

Hello and welcome.

I am quite new to this site, and my situation is different to yours as I have separated from my wife and didn’t know about BPD while in the relationship as she is undiagnosed, but your story sounds quite familiar.

I am sure there will be someone along with better advice on ways to try and manage your relationship, but in the meantime, to answer your question then yes, most people here are struggling, or have struggled with the problems that you are facing in your relationship.

If you look through some of the threads on here, you can click on a posters user name which will take you to their personal page and at the bottom of their page click on users recent posts, in most cases if you go back and read their first post they will have written an explanation as to why they are here.
In most cases you will probably find yourself shaking your head in amazement at how similar we have all been treated.

You are not alone.

Hello -
This is my first post and I am a little nervous about sharing openly about my relationship and the trouble I have been having for over a decade. I share little with my friends and family, only letting them know that we are working through things.

I have been struggling with a partner that exhibits all the BPD traits and has been "misdiagnosed" (her words) with it several times throughout her life. There are severe bouts of anger followed by self-hating remorse followed by blame for how I could have prevented it. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to find a path to either better myself to manage the outbursts, or to get out of this relationship. However, I find myself drawn back to it time after time. She breaks up with me faithfully every month, leaving me crushed and withdrawn. She breaks up, then comes back in tears saying she didn't mean it, or glosses it over as if it never happened. She has sent me photos of other people that she finds attractive, threatens to be with other people because I have questioned our relationship, and lets me know that she has options. The outbursts are harsh and seem out of the blue. A wrong word or interaction. I am careful of what I say and do. I have isolated myself at times and rebelled at times, tried to change how she sees me, all hoping for a different result. She has anxiety and depression, and my heart aches for what she is going through. I just don't know if I can handle her taking that out on me.

I have my own flaws and bring a lot of my own issues with me, so please don't think it is one sided, it is not. There are things about me, my family, and my life that would be hard for anyone to manage, and is definitely not helpful for someone struggling with mental illness. I am a pleaser and will bend myself to fit her wants in an unhealthy way, but through therapy I have stopped that behavior. It has not been well received. I am deeply hurt by her actions and feel like there is no understanding of the damage that has been done. I have not been able to forget it. I feel like it lives in my bones, and even when my heart is saying be with her because she cannot help her actions, my body and mind won't allow it. I feel that I both cannot live without her, and I cannot live with her. My family and my children have said I am a different person when I am with her - careful, always watching, tentative, and unhappy. They have begun to limit their exposure to the two of us together, and my kids have said they won't visit if she is there. This last break up I didn't wallow and I made plans for the month of December without her for the very first time. I feel very guilty about it and also want to share experiences with my family. 

I feel stuck. It is unhealthy for both of us to stay, and yet hard to let go.  Anyone else struggling?

Hi driftedmind and welcome!

how did it go with your husband getting the diagnosis?

The last part of your message really reminded me of myself 3 years ago. (you said: I’m hoping he’s able to accept the diagnosis and get the help he needs. I love him deeply, and I recognize the pain and trauma he carries. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want a family someday, one that’s stable and loving, and I want my husband to be someone who feels proud of himself and capable of real happiness.

I’m hopeful for him, but I’m also terrified of what our future might look like depending on how he responds tomorrow.)

Back  then I found out partly from my research partly from our psychologist that my partner probably has BPD. My life was very bad, there were accusations all the time, reactivity, bad controll of emotions, he even broke some things, he was shouting often etc. The worst of all, before I knew about the diagnosis I felt that I was doing something or everything wrong - he was very succesfull in his projection and I felt guilty for our relationship not working and I even felt guilty I did not manage to walk on eggshells good enough all the time which was mixed with anger that he expected me to do so. Allready then I did notice that intimate communication is hard with him in comparison to my ex boyfriend or a good friend, but I was wrongly putting it on me.

 I came to this forum at that time and seeked advice and people told me things will probably never be normall with him, told me their stories, I remember a young mother warning me how a relationship with such a father is and how she alienated herself from her partner to take good care of their child, I read the forum etc. I decided to give him a chance, he was going to individual therapy (CBT), later on he started to go to psychiatrist and got antidepresants, later on ADHD meds were added. All of it helped signifficantly and life with him now is berable altogether. There are good times when he is well controlled, we have nice days, but ofcorse no miracle happened, bpd is still there, just not so intenselly. I also have learned to communicate differently and when I manage to do so, it can help a lot, if he is not totally dysregulted. Honestly this different kind of communication still takes a lot of my energy especially when I am a bit tired or preoucupied with other things - which is common during a bussy week.

At that time around 3 years ago we were thinking about kids, I decided to wait to see if he will get any better and then we started around 6 months later, when there was some change. Tbh, I would recomend longer wait, especially after a threat to split up, he could manage and was motivated to show 6 months of change. But we were older, 33 at that time. I was worried my fertility is not perfect and later on I found out I was right - we still do not have a child. If I look at it altogether now, I think if we get a child, I will certainly have more responsibilities than him, I will also have to somehow explain to a child that their father is sometimes having psychological problems etc. I expect there will be activities that I will have to teach the child alone and also be responsible that the father does not scare them emotionally at least not so much. I know my partner will not be able to offer stability all the time, I am sure some raging will happen. I am also sure he will try his best and I hope it will be good enough. But it is clear to me that totally normal life will not be posssible, if it will be to tixic I might need to divirce him.

I came to realise that bpd can be treated, but not cured. According to psychologist and also from what I see, my partner is not even fully develped  BPD, “just” traits, he never attempted suicide (although soft threats 2 times), no self harm, no cheating, no physical violence, has a good steady job and is very succesfull there, has no problems with coworkers, has some steady friends, who dont see him as reactive (I think) and is not getting in arguments with them like ever. However, at home he is a different person, he can get offended by minimal things that are not even offensive (classical bpd style things), accusive also, rage can happen, then shout down happens, he often wants me to apologise for things I did not do and confess I did something I did not do - like a lot of people said in a thread „Accountability and blaming“, same can happen to me still.
What is the hardest for me is that real intimate communication and connection is not really there, sometimes I can get some, but it can come back like boomerang when he is dysregulated, at those times it is also impossible to get support from him, and also I cannot really know when he will dysregulate at the smalles thing. That ofcorse brought me to not sharing as much as I would if those issues were not there, which makes me feel lonely sometimes. There is also still issue with tasks or plans that we make. Something minor that happen can dysregulates him so much, he will then just not do it and sometimes his whole day stands still afterwards. Hollidays can have very stressfull days from what I just described and ofcorse when we are together 24/7, we communicate more and more arrguments arise from something he understood or interpreted wrong. Just so wrong. But no way he would listen to me, telling him what I meant, he has to be right about my thoughts or stg. like that.

You might ask why I stayed. I love him and I wanted to give him a chance and then infertility happened and right now for me it is (probably) impossible to find another partner soon enough to have a child. And I still think I can bring a child in an ok enough family with treatment he is getting and my stability and efforts. But when I am sad and a lot of this drama happen one after another, I cannot help but wish I was 28 again and had the knowledge and understanding of bpd that I have now. I am sure I would have run out of this for a more suitable relationship with better communication and towards calmer less stressful life where I would not be looking after everything I say.

You are young now, you have the knowledge of at least that bpd exists and your housband has it, you dont have children yet. Do good research - this site is great for it. Read the succesful stories and ask yourself how succesful they really are. Read less succesful ones. Read stories with children involved. Remember you cannot save ther partner from his mental illnes, even if he takes treatment there will be ups and downs, even if he acknowledges diagnosis now, that can still change in the future. After having all the data, make informed deccision that is best for you and only you.

Good luck!

Thank you all for the encouragement. Anonymous 22, that is an interesting perspective. I think it goes deeper than that as in my wife never identified with any role before becoming a mother. She was always jealous of me playing the piano, creating, reading, writing… because she had no hobbies. Also she had always been jealous of my work despite the fact that she had a few jobs before having kids but struggled to maintain them. I think one reason she reacted positively was because she had had a good day at college. (This doesn’t mean she won’t screech and scream about this exact occasion at a later time… she will have stored it up as ammunition to use if needed). But my wife going to college has been very good for her, to get out of the house and spend time with other people. Her first term has been incredibly successful despite the fact that I’ve helped her lots and lost work over this too due to having to prioritise her needs because I want and need to support her. Her story is inspirational and maybe only now I’m actually impressed because she has been offered a place at uni next year conditional on passing the course. I mean, she’s had a poor education, no qualifications, recently diagnosed moderate/severe dyslexia, clearly has mental health problems, plus four kids under 7, one still breast feeding, two still co-sleeping and they will not let her study not for a moment even once they’re asleep. I’ll give her that… she’s doing well, and also clearly identifies with the paramedic role she is chasing. I really want that for her. I guess that will also be validation of her needing to feel needed.