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 81 
 on: September 03, 2026, 03:47:24 PM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by ForeverDad
Research also about the Stockholm syndrome, a psychological response wherein a captive begins to identify closely with his or her captors, as well as with their agenda and demands.  It may not be an official psychological description, but it might be related to the trauma bonds mentioned here.

In August 1973 four employees of Sveriges Kreditbank were held hostage in the bank’s vault for six days after a botched bank robery. During the standoff, a seemingly incongruous bond developed between captive and captor.

 82 
 on: September 03, 2026, 02:09:02 PM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Me88
Yes, I know it is much more likely that they don't get help and they just keep repeating the same cycles for most of their life. I just had so much hope and i truly love him so much. Or maybe it's a trauma bond because how can i love someone who has treated me this way? Did the things he's said. Done the things he's done. But it feels real. And so all encompassing. And I now that's part of the design but how do you even start to weed out what was real and what was a lie? I feel like if I didn't have much family or many friends, I would absolutely go back to him. I am now worried about disappointing them than I am about disappointing myself. Which I'm sure says more about me and my self worth than anything.

I think we all feel this way. It's a trauma bond, and so hard for anyone to understand. He'll keep doing these things. At some point understanding what was real or a lie needs to not matter, but this is fresh for you. In the moment, when he was 'happy' it was real in a sense but the intent behind it was shady. Don't go back please. And we all feel like that, I felt like I let my family down. She ruined my bday and dumped me...we took a 1 month break (not really a break as she came over all the time and we had sex a lot), she punched me and trashed my house....I took her back...only when she almost got me arrested is when I had to leave completely. It doesn't say much about you other than you have a codependent personality and a caregiving mentality. These are generally good if done in a healthy way with someone who reciprocates. I think you need to fully block him everywhere.

 83 
 on: September 03, 2026, 12:51:25 PM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Ashesanddust
Sorry, my auto correct is terrible and I cannot figure out how to edit these posts. That's what I get for responding at work.

 84 
 on: September 03, 2026, 12:50:23 PM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Ashesanddust
Yes, I know it is much more likely that they don't get help and they just keep repeating the same cycles for most of their life. I just had so much hope and i truly love him so much. Or maybe it's a trauma bond because how can i love someone who has treated me this way? Did the things he's said. Done the things he's done. But it feels real. And so all encompassing. And I now that's part of the design but how do you even start to weed out what was real and what was a lie? I feel like if I didn't have much family or many friends, I would absolutely go back to him. I am now worried about disappointing them than I am about disappointing myself. Which I'm sure says more about me and my self worth than anything.

 85 
 on: September 03, 2026, 08:53:53 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by wantmorepeace
Hi, Ashesanddust.  There are people with bpd who, with the right professional help, make significant progress.  And there are many who don't.  We in this forum cannot know what is right for you and your situation.  But we can all validate how painful this is, how often we put more blame on ourselves than we should, and how important it is, no matter what you do next, to do it with eyes as open as they can be and as much commitment as possible to your own well-being and self-care.  Be well.

 86 
 on: September 03, 2026, 02:47:41 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by ForeverDad
Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) have been honing their manipulative skill for much of their lives.  They know the buttons to push.  Also, they know how to both push and pull to manipulate you into becoming even more enmeshed with them.
 
We're Good Guys and Good Gals, we want to give and share more than take.  We are, overall, more positive, while acting-out disordered people are more likely to behave in negative ways, both to themselves and to others... especially those closest to them.  With BPD, the persons most impacted negatively are those closest to them.

 87 
 on: September 03, 2026, 01:37:48 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Ashesanddust
Well he told me that he was too weak to be able to do what I said I needed. So I guess that's that. I am so stupid. He's probably just going to be with that other girl within the week. I hate that I love him still or care at all. His hooks are so far deep within me. It was so hard to not just agree to being with him again. What is wrong with me?

 88 
 on: September 03, 2026, 01:18:45 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pluie
So sorry that you had this shock.  But he has a personality disorder.  That means he is mentally ill to some extent.  Not enough to be convicted and imprisoned, nor enough to perhaps be committed to a mental hospital.  But still... his perceptions are so skewed away from the feelings and realities of reasonably normal persons.

You no doubt tried to make it work for so many years but it's not that you failed.  BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  The very emotional closeness of the relationship seems to block the other from truly getting past the baggage of the relationship so that he could truly listen and take long term notice of your efforts.

You did try but it's time to Let Go.

Hi again ForeverDad,

Thank you for your support. As I mentioned in my post, maybe the true failure is not having been able to understand the disorder on a deeper level, and being aware of the fact that understanding does not mean having it under control. I have always felt hypervigilant, even when things were good, because in the back of my mind I have always known the splitting and discards would have happened again no matter what. He refused treatment. He thinks he is fine. I knew this was a recipe for disaster, and still I hoped, and still I watched myself falling deeper and deeper.

Letting go seems impossible right now. I love him deeply, but the fact that there is no way I can go back to my life with him, and the fact that I witness every day the destruction this has brought into my life, may help.

 89 
 on: September 03, 2026, 01:11:55 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pluie
First of all, don't beat yourself up over this.  He knew you would be there, right?  Let me say, therefore there's a chance he left the journal there knowing you would find it and read it.  When I was married, BPDxw loved to passive-aggressively leave little "trinkets" out for me to find, then get upset over my reaction, whether I read something, threw something away, didn't read something, etc.

Second of all, who writes that in a journal?  One keeps a journal to create a timeline and memorialize things for one's self.  What he wrote is basically a laundry list of everything he thinks would upset you.

I'm curious what the rest of his entries were like.  Did he just suddenly realize 12 years of marriage were bad and decided he needed to write that in case he forgot?

Hi Pete,

Thank you for replying to my post. As I was telling Pook, I am not sure about the fact that he might have intentionally left it there to read. There was other stuff that he knew I would notice, now that I think about it; the camera we used to take on our day trips, the keys and manual instructions of a very expensive e-bike that I had not agreed to buy (he bought it the day after I left).

I can summarise the rest of the journal in a few sentences: the last 12 years were a nightmare, I am finally free, I am hurt but I can finally be myself because there is nobody holding me down. The 'holding me down' part hurt me the most, because I moved countries twice in the last two years while battling cancer and losing all the stability I had built just to let him 'follow his dreams' (which kept changing). In retrospect, I know I shouldn't have given up so much. I know nothing would have been enough, and I kept giving and losing myself in the process. That is something I MUST address.

 90 
 on: September 03, 2026, 01:00:10 AM  
Started by Pluie - Last post by Pluie
I completely agree, this is part of the sickness where you either focus on everything good or everything bad.  My ex did the exact same thing to me and at the time, I thought she was a complete monster.  But that's not really true or fair.  She thought those things in the moment when trying to feel good about herself...and that's what your husband is doing as well.  Instead of facing reality, he's creating his own version of events about you in order to keep any responsibility from falling on him. 

In other words, that's what children do.  Your husband thinks like a child.

As far as you reading the diary, at least you know for certain that the relationship is over.  While he hasn't been against you for 12 years like he said, it shows his current mindset and it would take years for that to reverse.  Again, I was in the exact same position and I was in shock when my ex suddenly flipped from white to black overnight.  How could it be true?  How could she think that way?  It's mental illness though and we're not supposed to truly understand it.

Just remember that his opinion of you is not what defines you.  He's sick and being childish.  And truthfully, he probably wanted you to find the diary because he's sick and childish.  Do not focus on this stuff because they're lies within his own mind.  When I went through it, the thoughts tore me up inside for months before I accepted the reality of what was really happening.

Hi Pook,

Thank you. You have been a great support these months. I struggle with the idea that he can twist reality up to this point.

I know he is trying to persuade our common friends here that his version is the right one; I hope I will not lose my support network. There has been so much damage, and it seems like he is thriving on my precarious living situation. This is also nothing new, though, as I found myself in a similar situation twice before we knew he had BPD with NPD traits. I thought the diagnosis would be enough to keep him aware of the consequences of his actions. I was wrong.

I don't think he left the diary there on purpose. It was hidden, although I had to move a lot of stuff to make sure I would take everything out of the apartment. Anyway, as you said, I know for certain it is over. He still has not filed for divorce, which gives me time to ask for advice on how to proceed. I think I will have to do it.

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