Hello and welcome to the family.  None of us knew what to ask when we first arrived because we were reeling, trying to understand, trying to figure out what we're doing in this type of relationship.  I (and hundreds of others) can completely relate to the feelings you're feeling at the moment.

Telling you what to do is easier though.

But first, a question.  Are you still living with him?  Or if you did separate, how long ago was that?

Also, since you posted in the "detaching" forum, you'll receive advice on leaving the relationship.  Is that what you want?

Right now, you and your child need time to heal.  That may or may not be possible with you in the middle of it all right now.  Rule #1 is that you must prioritize yourself because you have a young child to care for.  That means detaching from his struggles and seeing this in a different light. 

You take care of you.  He takes care of him.  Your mental health must come before his for multiple reasons.  The main one is that helping him literally comes down to you being in the best possible emotional state.

Just know that you are not alone any more.  We're here for you to vent to, ask questions, or anything in between.

Hi mitochondrium ,


I'm just seeking the truth, nothing else. Because it's time for me to take big decisions. I don't care if people disagree, but I'll be interested in good arguments, regardless of what direction they point.


Yes, boundaries are needed even more when living together, and that's why I started this thread. My goal is to find out how to make the boundaries effective (e.g. how to enforce them).

My current opinion is that the BPD partner that is in your space (lives with you) will make your life a hell regardless of how many tools you know, unless you can enforce boundaries. For a woman, it is straightforward to do it. All you have to do is to call the police, or perhaps only threaten to do it. However, for a man, this is not an option. Some women have the naive thought that domestic violence laws serve for both sexes, but that isn't true at all. Well, at least not here in Brazil.

Many different police officers have already come to my door. They came because neighbors were impressed with my wife's screams. A number of times they asked her if she wanted them to "take me to jail red-handed," and she said no. They don't need her to provide any proof. If a woman says that she feels threatened or that she feels a victim of psychological violence, that's enough for them. A few times I was able to show them the video footage of her outbursts, and sometimes they talked to us trying to understand what was going on. In all of those cases, they rapidly switched to my side but were still "at service for her," not for me. Once a police officer pulled me 10 meters away from her just to explain to me that I had to leave her; otherwise, she would get me in trouble, because the law was all on her side. I have heard this kind of warning from many different police officers. The DV laws here only protect women's rights. We have women's laws.

Anyway, my wife isn't giving me bruises or stabbing me, so I don't have any proof that I could use in law enforcement for serious injury. A woman breaking stuff and throwing stuff at the husband or at his door is considered normal. I don't have footage of her promising to kill me, but I'm pretty sure they would not take it seriously either.

Some people here have done cross-research that finds out more men are being killed in their intimate relationships than women. But who cares? Here a man's life has little value.


After paying close attention to your post, I got to the conclusion that you have a misconception about your own success. You think that the tools did it, but what I see is that threatening to call the police was the actual step that began to revert his behavior. I don't mean that the tools aren't useful, but they aren't enough.

You assumed that I'm JADEing, but that's not the case. Even because she always raises her voice when she is angry, and I HATE it, so I leave the room and avoid any sort of talking, but still she keeps rambling around for hours, all by herself.

Before entering this relationship, I had already read most of the top books on BPD, on relationships, etc., and I already had 7 years of experience with a BPD wife. So I know pretty well what the books recommend. The point is that none of the books tells you how to make living together work.

My previous wife did persecute me around the house, and I had already read all the books that could possibly help me with that.

My current wife does not persecute me by walking around the house because she has a specific walk phobia. So she remains in the same spot most of the time, but her shouts can be heard all over the house and by the neighbors as well. I can hear it from the elevator in the hall.

For the first year of my current relationship, I had it under control. Her shouting didn't last for long. My love for her made me able to handle all the conflicts she brought up. But then after labor, her aggressiveness got much worse. So living together became no longer worth it for me. As I stepped away, she got even more abusive. When it gets to this point and you keep being abused, your capacity to help your partner with their struggles plummets.

For instance, you said that my response was a problem and suggested a different one:
My original response: "No, I have already given you the power bank just now, so you can put it in the bag"
Your suggestion: "I cannot right now, I am bussy with something else right now, could you do it yourself?"

What made her angry:

She had been screaming and offending me the entire day, and she was still in the "entitled mode." So she was expecting me to help her out, because she wanted to feel taken care of, as if she had not done anything wrong that day. But she felt rejected when I said no. Having an anxiety crisis before leaving home is a very common issue, even if it was not for therapy. Part of that is because she has panic disorder. And I'm very good at helping her out with that, but at that moment I didn't want to be her caregiver at all. I was not busy at all. I just refused to treat her the way she wanted.

There could be several reasons why your spouse has raised the level of discord and abuse in the home.  One I can name is that previously there were just two of you.  Now the family's dynamic is a threesome and surely that change can be triggering.

One concern that you didn't quite mention is that if your husband were to harm himself, what if he were to claim you did it?  How would you be able to defend yourself to investigators, to document that it instead is "being framed for mischief"?  This is where the wisdom come in of preemptively - out of harm's way - sharing what goes on behind closed doors.

While I cannot speculate on which programs or locations are right for your daughter, in general residential treatment programs have multiple benefits.

One is that the patient is immersed in an environment totally devoted toward recovery.  Admittedly, recovery would be a long road and maybe only partially successful, but some level of progress is better than the current alternative.

Another is that BPD is noted for being an emotional dysregulation disorder most evident and impacting in close relationships.  One aspect is that those closest to them emotionally are also the ones they can't seem to respond to... the emotional and perceptual baggage of the close familial relationship gets in the way.  The professionals there are trained to focus on what works best for recovery, however limited it might be.

It would then be up to the patient to demonstrate how much cooperation and how much diligent application of the therapy.

Well, it is what it is, and not quite what you wished.  That's life.

As concerned as you are, you can look to whatever bright side you can latch onto.  For example, her BF seems to be a reasonably normal person.  That's definitely a plus in a problematic situation.  This is where you can prove false that saying "Blood is thicker than water".  If BF continues to do well, then be thankful since he'll need support and encouragement just as much or more than your daughter.

Most of all, the child deserves your support.  The child will need your stability, fine example and your insight during his or her childhood.

I did, and that went over very badly.  I should have kept it to myself and waited for our doctor to mention it to her.  In fact, I think that's what brought me to this forum...the informal diagnosis and the conversation I had with my ex afterwards.



We had a BPD/bipolar kid at home who was always in crisis, always ready to run away or kill herself, and always fighting us for everything in life.  Things were very off from like age six forward and every single day was some type of challenge the average family doesn't deal with. 

So for me, I saw something very off with my wife from the early years, but then it suddenly became all about the oldest kid who's always in crisis mode.  Looking back, I can see where many of my wife's responses or decisions were very off too, and it probably made raising a BPD much harder than it had to be. 

But I never had time to stop and think if my wife had mental illness or not.  We were just too busy walking on eggshells and surviving whatever aftermath came from our oldest kid.



She ended up marrying that guy and her job is caring for his handicapped son.  My kids frequently tell me she's still always anxious and stressed out over something, but I didn't ask for any details.  All her focus seems to be on the handicapped step-son and caring for him though, so that breakup would be super complicated for her.  Time will tell if it can last, but I'd guess that she would try to stay no matter what.

As far as their husband/wife relationship, I have no idea and I don't care.  I hope they're happy together.

Hi Inforthewin,

.....It sounds all too familiar.

I now have 3gc. Eldest 2 gc b/f is a loser. New partner I have never met.

Makes me wonder what my  udd has told this new partner (5yrs r/s)) as none of my family have ever met him and he has never reached out to any of us.

Childcare was always an issue. udd would turn up at my home unannounced  just as I was going to bed knowing that I had work saying she was tired. Too tired to stay and spend the night here with gc when offered but not too tired to drive back home to spend the night alone??? I knew that it was an excuse to hook up but at least the gc were safe with me.
Then If udd was not happy with me(often the lack of childcare or not doing something she expected to be done without vocalising it, the jealousy and endlessly reminding me that they are HER children and not mine) it was straight to estrangement.
Once she continued visiting her friend across the street from my home making sure I could see her car and the gc going in and out of the friends home during an estrangement. So cruel. 

I think it is only a matter of time before the father and stepmom get a dose of what is going on as so often happens and they will eventually come to you. Afterall you know where they live.

Your udd  seems to have landed a good one from a good family. Her partner is in a good job and she is presently well taken care of which is good news and I think it is time to take some financial control back. Chances are your udd will never do any study/ courses while her main focus is only on being with a man 24/7. The same has been for my udd31 who has only ever had 1 paid job that last 2wks before she was sacked because she refused to do the things she was actually employed to do.

As I said on your other post going NC is a personal decision. I think there is often a lot more to consider when gc are on the way because it pulls at our heartstrings but the FOG often keeps us stuck longer than necessary, but NC also allows us to draw a final mark under it when all our boundaries have been crossed and LC has not worked.

Hi Win,

I understand you're stressed out worrying about your dysregulated daughter, and now about her bringing a life into this world when she doesn't seem able to care for herself very well, while she's acting abusively towards you, her biggest ally on the planet.  If your nurse friend is suggesting no contact, I bet that's because they see how desperate the situation really is, and they're trying to be supportive by placing your interests first and foremost.  As a mom, you're probably accustomed to placing your daughter's interests first, and now you have to think about a grandchild on top of that; your natural inclination is to put yourself last.  It sounds to me like you have a good friend who's concerned about you, even if you decide not to follow the well-meaning advice.

To your daughter, getting pregnant might seem like a solution to all her problems:  she gets someone to love her unconditionally, she gets attention, and maybe she avoids figuring out how to support herself, because she assumes others will step up.  With her black-and-white thinking, being pregnant feels all white right now.  Maybe she genuinely wants to be a mom.  But since she's 19, she probably underestimates how difficult it is, yet she doesn't care--she wants all the joy and attention and none of the burden at the moment.  It's no surprise that she's upset when you don't seem to be over the moon--she was probably expecting attention, adoration, a shower with lots of presents, and an upgraded living situation.

I haven't been in your situation, though from time to time I've feared that my adult stepdaughter with BPD might try to get pregnant.  She can't support herself independently right now, and she abandoned a beloved pet for months--I think she couldn't possibly take care of a child in her current situation.  She can function a few months at a time, but then she tends to have meltdowns and need extensive support (plus long "vacations" from real life) to get herself back on track.  Adding a baby to this situation would only complicate matters by an order of magnitude.

I understand that going no contact seems extreme, especially for someone so young.  If you are often reeling from how poorly your daughter treats you, there might be a middle ground of low contact.  One way to do this would be to reach out on a schedule--say, once or twice a week--at a time and in a manner that is least disruptive to you.  Maybe it's a coffee together, a call on your way to work, or a facetime when you're on a walk.  You could adopt the stance that you're emotionally supportive, but you don't provide a monthly stipend or housing, because you're both adults now and live your own lives.  You have your own budget and living arrangements, just like your daughter has her own budget and living arrangements.  How does that sound?

Maybe that made her feel as if she were in the wrong, and she thought you would dump her because of her addiction, so she took initiative before you, also to get rid of her own toxic shame.


I think that would be giving her too much credit that she has a conscience. What followed was a year of manipulation to get me to go round her house and sleep with her behind her boyfriends back. The last time she even talked about leaving him and coming home. In fact, she said she had finished with him, but then backed out on coming home because she thought I would discard her in revenge.

I believe she is still on drugs, she has admitted doing it with him once, only for me to catch her coming out of another drug dealers a few weeks later. Drugs and money, that’s her meal ticket.

And! When I think about it: In the past he also said, that I have cheated on him, because I spent a christmas with my ex, what is not true.

The real story is that I picked up my son from my ex, who was working at a Christmas market and had my son with him. My ex is my son's father and it was Father's Weekend. ) But a really big problem is the distortion of reality. That has often driven me to despair. Using THAT as a counterargument for the Facebook thing left me speechless.