Hi again Samss,

Im not sure what a TLA is but these are the abbreviations I have used with no particular reason other than I just find it just quicker when doing a longish post.

dx diagnosed
dd diagnosed daughter
udd undiagnosed daughter

Thank you everyone for your support.  I really need it.

Hi, pook and jsfriend,

Thank you to you both. I very much appreciate the insights and the advice. I do have lots of questions, the first is why does everyone use so many TLAs here? is there something wrong with spelling out daughter or daughter-in-law or anything else that seems pertinent?

Is there a dictionary that explains all these unnecessary shortform acronyms? I am finding all of this hard enough to grasp without also learning a new language just to communicate. If there is a dictionary that defines terms such as:

* dx
* udd (i'm guessing 32 stands for age or something, but don't want to assume)
* any other TLAs that many are using or where to look them up

Thank you both for responding  and for the advice. I'm really trying to do as much self-education as I can and am finding it all a lot to take in.

That's a lot of progress in just a short period of time- how are you feeling with all of this?  Are you finding any time for yourself to process things?  I would be very frustrated in that position.

Hi Samss,

First of all, let me share a few resources for NY support groups- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/ny/new-york?category=borderline-personality
https://emotionsmatterbpd.org/

I'm so sorry that you're in this position and many of us have felt exactly the same way.  I can remember the long, drawn-out battles with my BPD daughter that appeared out of nowhere and went 0-100 in mere seconds.  It still baffles me, to be honest.

You mentioned "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and that's a great first book to read.  It helped me a lot and made me realize that so much of what happens with BPDs is in the moment as they're facing personal crisis. 

A lot of the time, the words are true for that moment and fueled by unstable feelings and emotions.  It's so easy to defend or argue, but this can often be counter-productive because the BPD doesn't remember what they said 30 seconds later.  They're just exploding with emotion and words come out that feel right in that moment.

So please don't take this personally, it's not a "you-thing" as much as it is mental illness at its worst.  Your kid hurts deeply and erupts, often saying "unforgivable" things that you must not hold onto.  It's painful, it's unfair, but unfortunately it is your daughter's reality when she's unstable.

Here's a place to start.  The next time your child lashes out while unstable, pay less attention to the words and more emphasis on the emotions behind them.  If they're upset, focus on what it's like to feel upset and try calming them down. 

We validate the valid...which is their feelings in those unstable moments.  However, we don't fight the invalid...which are the accusations and/or demands that accompany those feelings.

Does that make sense at all?

Hi samss,

Sorry this first time reading your post. What stood out for me from your original post is that your dd actually told you that she has a dx of BPD. To me that is huge!!!!.
 
My udd32 is undx and the mere mention that she has a personality disorder would send her into rage mode. Once when she was a teenager and I began to put 2 and 2 together she saw that I had left  the book "stop walking on Eggshells" on a side table as I had been reading it. I had other children at home at the time so it could have been general reading and not about her(it was btw) and she totally lost it, shouting, accusing, cursing etc, so I think that your dd actually telling you about her dx is actually a big step. How you can actually encourage her to get the help that she needs I dont know.
You say that she already has a therapist, she can recover if she is serious about putting the work in, but only if she has a good therapist who is  versed in challenging BPD behaviour or is her therapist just someone that she can have a moan to about all the people who have been a problem to her in her life???

When it comes to your dd telling you that you owe her for her childhood my udd has said exactly the same to her father who was out of her life for a few years. She actually added up how much money believed that she had missed out on while he was away and said that he owed her that amount. She told him and was totally serious about it. I honestly think it was just another thing to hold against him and it wasnt something that he could never really make up for even though he tried. 

I know that it doesnt make sense to us as we would rather love than money but I think that being seen as having money eases their pain. My udd loves driving nice cars, designer clothes, hair and nails done reguarly and is always spending on stuff she doesnt need, buys the kids way too many toys but finds it hard to show affection.

I think for now that you need to concentrate on your mental health and keep your boundaries in place. No way do you need to accept a tirade of abuse because she is your dd and in emotional pain and dysregulation. Its ok to to take a break and tell your dd that you will speak with her when she is being respectful.

Hi Confused,

When I saw your "7,000 miles" comment it made me curious, since I'm right at 7k miles from my home in the US.  For my journey, we're going through the marriage visa process and I'm waiting for the final interview in Manila, which could be a few months or another year...it's hard to guess currently.  I've lived here for almost 2 years now and I really enjoy it.

So you know, the average Filipina's expenses here are around $200-300 per month, although many live on a lot less.  My current expenses here are around $750 a month all-in (house, car insurance, food, utilities, gasoline, etc), to give you an idea. 

Some have joked that the Philippines national pastime is young women stealing married men, so jealousy is a cultural thing here and it's very common.  On the flip side of that, everyone local would know your fiancée is dating a foreigner and they'd look at her like she's filthy rich and expect to share in that wealth.

So she is likely getting comments from her sister and neighbors asking about you...hoping that she'll give them money.  Before I moved here, I had two of my wife's relatives/neighbors reach out to me on Facebook Messenger just to say hi and ask about my life.  My wife was furious and ready to fight them since  this was when we were still dating.  That's so common here though and there's so much jealousy since families have very little.

If you do plan to marry, do you have actual plans on what that looks like?  With the current administration, you'd either have to move here to get married OR bring here there on a fiancée visa.  Some of that jealousy will subside once you're in person, but it could be a long-term challenge as well due to family/culture/etc (plus the mental illness aspect).

My advice would be to just keep doing what you're doing but also be more aware of the money you're sending each month.  It's so hard because everyone here needs help and women are looking for a better life.  Before I met my wife, she worked in Saudi Arabia and Qatar as a maid in horrible conditions.  It was her only choice to support her family though since there's zero opportunity here.

Hi Samss,

Going from being close to suddenly being “the enemy” is incredibly painful. And hearing something like “I deserve compensation for my childhood” would knock anyone sideways.

What really stood out to me was what you said about putting your own mask on first. That’s not selfish - it’s necessary. If you’re constantly bracing for the next hurricane of texts, you’ll burn out.

It also makes sense that you’re trying to pace yourself. In the beginning it’s easy to over-read and overwhelm yourself. This is a long road.

You’re handling this more thoughtfully than you probably realize.

It's the standing on the sidelines while she's with her mother who sees and interacts with her daily is the heartbreaking part. We had a close relationship until I became the "enemy". I'm blamed for a lot of things and a lot of them are just insane to consider. The fact that she said "I deserve compensation for my childhood" was just jaw-dropping. Along with all the other things she wrote to me were just a lot. A lot a lot. I showed the ranting texts to friends and some of them couldn't even understand why I'd even respond and others still said I was "too nice".

My one theme in dealing with her ranting was, "I'm here when you need to reach out". That was all I could think. She only slipped in the line about her diagnoses (there were a few of them) at the end of her tirade before she stopped sending me any more messages.

Finding ways to respond and techniques to cope with the outbursts and the unreasonable demands coupled with threats of self-harm is what I'm trying to do at this point. Educate myself, train myself on how to respond, and make sure I take care of my own mental health. It's like that line when the flight attendant says "put your mask on first before you help anyone else." I don't believe I'm  any good to anyone if I am not any good to myself first.

Thank you, Mutt for your encouragement and your resource leads. I've been doing TOO MUCH surfing and reading about this and need to pace myself so I don't burn out.