It seems like you have done a lot of personal work to overcome your family upbringing, and that's great. Also, you can see that your sister has continued her behaviors. You can determine how much of a relationship to have with her. There are posters here who have gone LC or NC depending on the situation. LC is more doable when you are mutually connected to other family members and would be together at holidays and family events but still, you determine the closeness and frequency of interactions.

I would not recommend confronting your sister with being accountable. You can see she doesn't respond well to that. Boundaries determine your actions. If you live with her, it's harder to control having to interact with her but if you don't- you just decrease it or stop it, your choice. Being siblings doesn't obligate you to tolerate being treated poorly.

It's hard as we wish for a better relationship with a family member but since BPD affects relationships, sometimes that isn't possible to achieve. We do the best we can with it- but we also can protect our own emotional well being from this situation.

It's understandable that we feel badly over these accusations but in perspective- it's human to sometimes miss an email. If we don't hear from someone, we assume that and send another.

For someone with BPD, who feels in victim perspective- that small error that had no bad intent, somehow becomes "evidence" for neglecting them. But that isn't true about you.

It felt demoralizing when my BPD mother would do this- assume some bad intent over what was a minor error or even somehow a good intention. However, we can not control someone else's feelings or thinking.

A counselor helped me to deal with this by substituting something absurd for the accusation. If you got an email saying you were a pink elephant - would you feel bad? I think you'd probably think that was strange but you know it's not true.

You have some choices here. One is to just let it go. It was in May and she may have moved on from it. You can go LC- decrease the frequency of contact- if it feels safer for you, or even NC but that may be difficult if you are still connected to family members with her. Either way you can also reply to that email with an apology that would fit the "error" - not make it into something bigger- "Hi sister, I found this email and realized I didn't see it before. I apologize for not replying sooner. Love, Sis" but that may also trigger a dramatic reply that you don't want to get into. It's up to you, and if you feel better with an apology for not replying- do that but you are not responsible for how she felt about it and don't need to get into a big drama over it.

Another pattern with the more extremes of pwBPD is that we lose a sense of ourselves and our worth.  By that I mean that we find it hard to defend our right to privacy and confidentiality in the face of intense Extinction Bursts meant to get us to retreat back to prior appeasing or compliant patterns.

You have a right to balanced privacy and confidentiality.  Too often we forget it on those late night interrogations demanding that we confess to what horrible persons we are.

While you do share everyday normal stuff such as parenting decisions, you should not sacrifice yourself on the belief that you must share everything.  Full disclosures - and even our otherwise excellent quality of total super-fairness - must be tempered with reality.  What reality?  The reality is that a pwBPD often will not respect our decisions and almost surely will sabotage us if we share that we are pondering an exit.

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice/words of comfort about my ubpd sister.  I am 57 and she is 62.  I just found an email that I never somehow never read from May of 2025 in which she accused me of neglecting her...."I haven't hear from you since February and you haven't initiated contact since the pandemic.  I feel invisible even when we are together.  Mum tells me all your news and I feel abandoned because I never hear from you."  WTF?  How old are we?  I have accepted that my emotional needs will never be met by my family of origin....I have built a life and a family away from home....she has two great grown kids and plenty of friends.  I just can't be her buddy....she has been too mean and hurtful over the years....

I have dragged my family to visit her and welcomed her into my home multiple times since COVID; even included her in my family vacations against the wishes of my kids (they don't like the way she treats me).  I never saw the email, so didn't respond and I thought we were doing better.  We grew up with a BPD mum who was physically and emotionally abusive but she has never done therapy, despite having a degree in psychology (???)  I have actually had some dramatic healing from trauma informed therapy for CPTSD and was hoping to find some way to have a relationship with her. Recently she has been calmer and seemed happier....now I'm questioning everything since I missed her email...does she hate me? Am I horrible person....I try to call her every couple of weeks, but tbh, I avoid it sometimes because she is so unpredictable.  I have tried to think back to May of last year and I know I was in the middle of a busy time at work and I didn't intentionally neglect her....if I'm being truthful, I wish I could go nc.  She has made my kids miserable and ruined a lot of holidays and family vacations...Feeling horrible.

  Hi, I found this site today and hopefully can get advice . I have a sibling with undiagnosed BPD and is aware of it because they have bought up the conversation multiple times themselves but still refusing to get proper help with it . For some background information they are 8 years older than me . We both grew up in an emotional unstable household and constant fighting and stress . If I’m being honest with my very early memories i remember them always being mean to me . Around the age 5-6 i remember them always hitting me when sleeping in our moms bed and when we got older and  they became a teenager it was almost like they wanted nothing to do with me and would make fun of the things I did and judge me for the things I liked . Once I was in middle school they had graduated and only continued to still have a nasty attitude towards me but then once I started to hang out with other people and stopped trying to make a relationship with them they got mad and got into a fight with the person I was hanging out with and then accused them of trying to take me away from them and then threw it in my face and said I was the reason they got into a fight . Throughout my teenage years I never once remembered ever being able to go to them with any of my issues like most younger siblings should be able too . Flash forward a few years later and things never stopped . They would start random arguments with me and would range from them accusing me of being the worse person and not caring about them etc etc and given I was 19 at this time and still didn’t stand up for myself because they made it hard to bring anything to their attention and then they would apologize and say I’m the best person ever and the cycle would continue and it started to play heavy on my self esteem. Over time they basically burner bridges with most of her relationships with people them always somehow being the problem and then they started attaching themselves to me and suddenly wanted to go places I was going and wanting to join me on trips I would plan with my friends and basically self invite themselves and it felt like I couldn’t tell them no not to come because then they would accuse me of not wanting to hang out with them and it was crazy because you suddenly wanted to be involved in everything I did because they themselves no longer had friends . Flash forward now and as I’ve worked on my mental health and getting better for myself it feels like things are getting weirder. I’m currently making my career and school my priorities in life and working meanwhile when they were my age I am now they were the complete opposite and treated people terribly me and my mother included and call me crazy but I feel like they have now developed this jealousy towards me and sometimes feel like they’re throwing subliminals towards me in certain conversations . I do feel they are jealous of my relationships given they don’t have any long term relationships themselves anymore and recently they accused me of some of the most ridiculous things and was projecting very very very heavily onto me . It’s reached a point now where I no longer have the energy to enable this cycles and when I finally held them accountable they still somehow switched the conversation and made them the victim and honestly I’m done.  Once again like I mentioned they were offered help and in the process of it but then stopped , they’ve had therapist drop them because of how they talk to them and still blamed the therapist. I don’t have any more patience and so tired of feeling like I’m always the villain to them but the hero when convenient. I feel like either option is going to be painful , option one is me holding them accountable about how I don’t feel their apologies are sincere because you continue the behavior and going forward think there needs to be boundaries put in my place for me to continue having a relationship with you but I know that’s gonna turn into an argument somehow as they’re gonna tell me to live my life then and forget about them and option two is only dealing with them at a distance but either option I know is going to trigger an argument and I can’t do it it anymore . I’m over the tunnel vision and them only acknowledging parts of things I told them they have done and to be honest I feel that’s why there’s real easy way out because a big issue is them continuing what is starting to feel like borderline emotional abuse at this point and then apologizing but like I said I don’t even believe their apologies anymore and how am I gonna be able to even bring up their behavior without once again an argument starting and them justifying their behavior. They’ve burned bridges with other people and me witnessing first hand how they still didn’t really care and justified it lets me know they’re never going to take full accountability. Please help with any advice even writing this I’m still scared they’ll somehow come across it and throw it in my face .  It’s bringing so much stress to my life

Pook and Til,
I can relate to both of your posts. I just typed out a long response and must have accidentally deleted it. So, I'll keep this one shorter.  I had a short and sweet phone conversation with my bpd son. Til, my hope shot through the roof. Maybe since things in his life are going well and stress is reduced he'll maintain and be willing to learn dbt skills... I started thinking maybe our interaction was so nice because I called instead of text, I kept it short instead of sharing too much or asking questions... As if I can control his emotional reactions. That's what helped me from your share. That hope based on my efforts to control this painful disease is a slippery slope to disappointment. Pook, you help me by reminding me not to take personal the words that cut like a knife.  Also, accepting emotional reactions for what they are.  My son began exhibiting signs of this illness at about 14. That's 30 yrs ago. There has been so much drama over the years. One 2week facility stay because of suicide threats. He's had periods that are relatively calm which is where he's at now. Life is manageable at the moment. He's self supporting and feels good about himself. YET, you'll love this - I just saw his name come up in an incoming text and my heart stops for a sec until I see it's him saying I love you Mom.  Sometimes the needy emotionally can be hard too. I'm looking for balance in him and maybe it's a space I need to create in me. Thank you both.

I love when they blame you 7 days to Sunday within their apology."you never tried to get me help" meanwhile ive suggested therapy half a dozen times.

Pete very well said. What have you experienced? I agree help should be sought understanding the lonely place one can find themselves.

I agree too with the church groups dismissing or making the problems worse. That being said I found this christian article about abuse  very hope inducing.

https://christiancounseling.com/blog/uncategorized/is-emotional-abuse-grounds-for-biblical-separation/

There is a YouTube link within the article where a woman addresses biblical counselors to be aware of the struggles.

Im not divorced yet I plan on consulting a lawyer though to discuss my options. Hard self work and the clarity that comes with it makes me hate my ignoring of red flags. I missed an opportunity too to marry a peaceful woman that complimented my life.

Hello, I too am exhausted from trying to hold everything together. I’ve been married over 40 years to my wife who is a diagnosed BPD person.  I married in my late 20s. I was pretty immature. I had a lot of faults, a lot of baggage.  We wrongly married. I should have run away and found a normal person. Over  the last 20 years her BPD really raised its ugly head. Her  criticisms increased, her rages climbed to impossible levels. She is now a deeply depressed person, blaming me for wasted years and a sad life. You know I tore myself apart to survive and hold my family together. I became the ultimate co dependent spouse,  holding everything together, barely, but not living a life. This whole process over four decades exposed my deep faults, weaknesses,  and fears. I fought battles against myself and with her BPD behaviors. I never believed in myself and regret overwhelms me at times.  I have developed some stronger traits though minimal at best. Mostly patience. I’m almost 70 and I feel I’m only beginning to discover who I am,what my strengths are and how to resolve some issues.  Unfortunately, my wife’s not been very patient about all that. The minute I get mad, disagree with her, err in some way or I show any kind of a weakness or aging, Im scolded or called a fool. It is always MY FAULT.  This life is a very exhausting process as you well know. You’re at a point where you are emotionally and physically drained. You are broken spirited. You love this person, but its rarely a joy mostly it is an obligation.  You might want to rethink your commitment to this person before you lose your whole life.