Reading your replies has touched me.  Reading that you were thinking of me just means so much, and is so helpful in the grieving process.  It really is a family here.  We care about and support each other.  What a special gift. 

Reading that you've been thinking of me...both surprises and warms me...especially when juxtaposed with a mother that I don't think had the capacity to think of me much ever. 

By the time she went into assisted living, I was in survival mode.  Conserving emotional energy.  My tank had been empty for years (pretty much the 6 years I was on this board).  AL was a godsend because H and I didn't have that 24/7 responsibility for her - an irrational and unreasonable person.

She was such a fighter.  I am not.  When the ambulance was called by AL, all 5 of us (H and I and her grandchildren) were there as it was over Christmas (we were together).  When the paramedics arrived, she refused to go. They told me they couldn't force her to go.  But they quickly sized up the situation by talking to AL staff and us, (she was so small in the bed she just looked like another wrinkle in the sheets, looked like she was dying, wasn't eating, was refusing her meds, and showing signs of dehydration), and said they would have to call in the police to assist.  I was in shock and disbelief. How much crazier and worse can it get?  My mother and her decisions creating unfathomable chaos. I was in despair. (This is the same woman who refused home care to give her eye drops and then went blind in the eye.) In the end, with 2 paramedics, her family and AL staff all at a loss, it was her GC grandson (30) who cajoled her into agreeing. She negotiated (more demanded) from the paramedics that he would ride with her (emotional caretaker).  The whole scene probably lasted 45 min once the paramedics arrived. They had been on the phone with their doctor about the situation and it was the Dr who said the police needed to be involved.  I still shake my head at what a fighter she was - right to the end.  It didn't matter the situation or the event or the stage of her life.  She made everything difficult for everyone if something didn't fit with her needs or ideas.

Once she went into AL (8 months before she passed), there was relief for H and I, but there was also still a lot of work and time (so many appointments, task maintenance, duty visits).  Now that she's passed, she's physically still all around me with all the work (and paperwork) involved in being executor.  The grief is heavy.

Somehow I still cared for her.  That is the kicker.  If I had not loved/cared for her, it wouldn't hurt so much that she was so mean and difficult. I wouldn't feel so messed up.  If I hadn't loved her, I wouldn't have showed up for her right to the end. 

Still, I spent the last 5 years figuring out how to protect myself by staying as LC as possible under the circumstances.  It was H who also paid a price as he stepped up.  But he too had his limits.  Ultimately, it wasn't until together we wrote a letter and stated we couldn't care for her any more, that she got into AL.  Then it happened quickly. 

I think there is something not right about all that.  People and families shouldn't have to get to that point before help is made available.

With mom, I think her problems come down to attachment.  I had attachment to her. Children growing up in a family (and all humans) are social and crave attachment.  But she had attachment to no one (even though she was social and liked to be the center of attention).  That lack of real attachment allowed her to hurt people and not care (or not care enough to change).  That's my theory.  I'd be very interested to hear others weigh in on this. How can a person hurt others (especially their own children) and not care?  There is a big story about her childhood and the family she grew up in.  It was damaging. I think parts of her brain never got wired up. I feel like she damaged me.  But I acknowledge a challenge, and constantly work on myself to grow, and she refused to acknowledge and do the work.  She didn't care about the wake of destruction in her relationships (siblings, friends, co-workers, husband, daughter-me) or not enough to look inward and do something about it.

I've spent my life caring for people.  Made a career out of it.  What irony.  Never stopped caring for her, but paid the price.  When love hurts.

I guess that was a bit of a rant. I "process" best when I write. I hope one day I can feel better.  And thanks for pointing out that 2 months is not a very long time.  I needed to hear that.

Thanks everyone for your replies.  They all made such a difference.

Each time i write this out there is a little more, the pain gets worse and then better.

3 months ago, my then-live in partner X (undiagnosed, both they and I have previously recognised they strongly fit BPD criteria) cheated on me by having sex with someone else while I had a reasonable expectation of a monogamous relationship. X has since denied that their actions constituted cheating.

We had been live in monogamous partners for a year. Two weeks before, X had told me they did not want to have any kind of romantic relationship, friendship or connection with me going forward. However, shortly after that (within hours/ days) we returned to living as a couple - cuddling and sleeping together, cooking and eating, having sex at his initiation. X had previously verbally ended our relationship at least 4x, then went back to living together as if nothing had happened within minutes/ hours. We considered ourselves partners for the duration, and X later had no recollection of these 'breakups'.

For me, fidelity means being accountable to the mutually understood commitments within a relationship. If your partner has a reasonable expectation that you are monogamous, then it's up to you to communicate clearly that this has changed before you violate that expectation. Given that X's actions looked like a continuation of our established partnership, and that the words used to 'undo' that had been revoked or undermined by his actions, I believe X's behaviour did not meet the requirements of fidelity or integrity.

X has oscillated on this. At first, he claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were broken up. However, he also expressed extreme guilt for having kept me up worrying about him, to the extent that he spent an entire day aimlessly wandering without eating (while continuing to assert that he had not cheated).

Later, when I said to him I thought his actions were in fact a sexual violation that could reasonably be called cheating, he nodded and said 'sorry'. He seemed so ashamed he could not even raise his head.

X's previous live-in relationship ended due to his having an affair with a mutual friend of his then live-in partner. X has expressed extreme guilt about this, saying it took a long time to realise he was not a 'bad person'. Recently, I have reflected on the extended deception such an affair would necessarily entail.

A couple of weeks after, and just after I got back from a week away during which we texted in a friendly way - X suddenly decided that we were not in a relationship. Not by breaking up, but by claiming we were already broken up. This wasn't true. After the fiasco, I'd made sure to define verbally and explicitly that we were in a relationship, and X had promised that he wasn't going to do it (the cheating) again.

While claiming this (that we were broken up), X made statements that were internally inconsistent/ incoherent. For example, he said that one of the horrible things i've said to him that makes him feel bad is that if we broke up, i wouldn't want to be friends. Notwithstanding the fact that he was the one who first said this to me, we clearly had been interacting as, at the very least, friends (not to mention the sex, cuddling, hand holding etc at his initiation – indeed, on the night before I left, he asked me to hold his hand while he fell asleep.) He also, confusingly, said 'the reason we can't be friends is that you can't let go'. It is circuitous to describe because it was just word salad.

He also expressed anger with me for ruining his day by 'talking endlessly' and 'making him have a _____ time' (the day after I learned about the cheating... during which I also took him out for pancakes). I found it extremely painful and by certain definitions, abusive, to first have my trust violated, then be denigrated for having a normal emotional reaction to that.

X also claimed that I/ our relationship makes him feel 'guilty for existing'. I pointed out that during a previous suicidal episode, he had claimed someone else made him feel 'guilty for existing'. I said while my actions have been ________ed and unkind at times, his mental health spirals are not totally attributable to others. X looked me dead in the eyes with an expression of hate and said, ‘Are you trying to make me feel bad for wanting to kill myself.’

X told me that I need to invent a story about his mental health because I can't deal with the guilt of being cruel to him. A narrative about my ‘cruel’ and ‘horrible’ behaviour had been repeated often in our relationship, and I had accepted it. Yet much of what this ‘cruelty’ entailed was things like brushing him off/ expressing annoyance when he asked for computer help late at night while I was in bed. I believe dismissiveness can be painful and destructive to a relationship, that my actions meet this threshold. I am deeply sorry for this. I have expressed this to X. But on reflection, I believe these are normal experiences in a relationship - not cruelty.

I suspect what may have happened is that X was deeply shamed by having violated his own values, ie, by cheating. Rather than dealing with this, he chose to lash out and project onto me. I also wonder if the cheating recurred while I was away, hence the meltdown, but I can’t say for sure.

*

X then asked/ demanded that I move out, which I did.

Some weeks after, X became frustrated because he did not realise I had ‘officially’ moved out. He expressed frustration that he was liable to pay the portion of rent and bills I had previously covered, and blamed this on me. This was upsetting, since X had demanded that I move out, looked dead in my eyes with hate and told me I was cruel, and refused to speak or be in the same room as me. Yet somehow, it was not understood that as a consequence, when I picked up a suitcase, left the house and did not come back, I had... moved out.

X claimed the reason he had to pay more money for bills and rent was because I did not 'officially' inform the landlord. This made no sense, since X was still living there, and the rental agreement was by room, not by person. There was no reason why the landlord would have chosen to waive rent because I wasn’t there.

Bear in mind that I continued to pay what had previously been my half of the rent at the place where X is still staying, for a month after I left, so he would not have to pay more money (as I knew he was in a precarious time). In these circumstances, it was confusing and painful to be blamed. X was facing the consequence of his own choice to make me leave, and I was sleeping on couches. But even there I tried to buffer so he would be less exposed to instability, while I was exposed to more instability.

Speaking of covering X's rent, there was also some confusion about the final payment. In our previous rental payments, I would pay the landlord for both of us, and X would pay me back. I made the last payment as usual and informed X of this at the time. For whatever reason, he decided to pay the landlord his half independently of me. As a result, there was a double payment (with me paying double), that needed to be recovered.

X also blamed this on me because I failed to notify him. I suppose that for triple clarity, I could have informed him that ‘as usual’ meant I would make the same payment I usually did. But he was the one who engaged in a change from the previous pattern, and he did not notify me at all. It began to feel like a Mobius strip of double standards, whether rent, or notification, or wanting to be friends – whatever I did was wrong while what he did was right.

When I pointed out to X, in the most factual way I could manage, that the overpayment arose not from lack of notification but from us making a double payment, he was dismissive and pivoted to blaming the landlord, saying, “I’m not getting in a back and forth about [landlord] being demented.” I found it upsetting that X would simply throw blame at yet another person based on his emotional state, rather than assessing what happened.

*

X and I have now both moved out and the tenancy is ended. Something awful happened in the process. X was moving my things out, and did not move a bag in the shed that contained my beloved pet’s ashes – either because the landlord had already thrown it away, or because he did not see it. I was devastated. The landlord has said she threw everything out because she thought X had taken all our belongings; X has said he didn’t see anything and she might have already thrown it away when he went to get our things.

In apportioning responsibility and causation, I believe the landlord bears some for not being careful and throwing away something which did not belong to her. X bears some for not checking with me before moving my belongings – he had told me to let him know if I would remove my things before March 11, and I arrived on March 10, but found my belongings had already been moved – and more than that, for making it necessary for me to move out in such chaotic circumstances. I do not believe I bear fault in this matter. I considered sharing words with X along these lines.

But ultimately, while it is a horrible thing, no-one is wholly personally to blame. There has simply been some very bad luck where a normal unfortunate event (something getting lost in a move) has taken on a painful significance. Much of that pain comes from the *reminder* of the loss of a loved one, not the ashes themselves. This is something neither X nor the landlord are responsible for.

I mention this because I have previously accepted much of X’s characterisation of me as ‘horrible’ and ‘cruel’. Yet I have chosen not to lash out or blame him for a painful thing happening to me, where he bears some (but far from all) responsibility. Whereas he has blamed me repeatedly for things that are not my fault at all. I see this as a matter of integrity.
 
There is a possibility X has now entered a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, someone I respect deeply. I am not sure if this overlapped with our own relationship, ie, was the source of the cheating. And if so, how much this friend was informed. X told me at the time the person he had slept with was not someone I knew.

I am not sure what to trust, but it strikes me that there are similarities with X’s previous relationship, where he cheated on his then live-in partner with their mutual friend. X’s affair partner had also described X’s previous partner, the one who was cheated on, as being ‘horrible’ to X, a characterisation X repeated to me. I have a sense of cycles repeating.

I am grieving the person I thought I knew.

X has expressed a hope we can be ‘at least amicable’ and has said they see ‘this chapter as closed’. I find it inappropriate to harm someone, then to declare the issue closed and request amicable interaction from the person you harmed sans acknowledgement, apology or reparation. I have expressed this to X and requested no contact.

Over the course of our relationship, X at times showed great courage and integrity. At others, there was much instability including suicidal ideation expressed to me on >100 occasions. His personality, actions and relationships have undergone great shifts. I do not know if he knows who he is at all.

I hope X is able to heal and, if the person I thought I knew exists, to forgive himself. I am sure my perspective will evolve as I turn to the question of why I seem to remain in such toxic relationships, and find ways to get better.

Hi Traveler80,

I’m really glad you found the forum and decided to post. It takes a lot of courage to write something this personal, especially when things at home feel so heavy.

A lot of what you described will feel very familiar to many members here. Living in a situation where you never quite know when the next blow-up might happen can be incredibly exhausting. I remember there were times when I would come home from work and honestly have no idea what kind of evening I was walking into. Sometimes it felt like I might be stepping onto a landmine the moment I walked through the door. That kind of unpredictability can wear a person down over time.

You also mentioned something that many people here experience. After living with that level of stress for a long time, we sometimes notice changes in ourselves too. Feeling more anger, exhaustion, or hopelessness than we used to is a very common reaction when someone has been walking on eggshells for a long time.

It’s good to hear that you’re reaching out for support for yourself and that counseling and marriage counseling are being considered. Taking care of your own stability and having a place where you can process what you’re experiencing can make a real difference.

If you’re open to it, this article on setting boundaries is one that many members here have found helpful when things at home start to feel chaotic or overwhelming:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

You don’t have to figure everything out all at once. Feel free to share more about what has been hardest for you lately. There are many people here who understand what you’re going through.

I’m really glad you reached out.

My wife and I have been married for a few years, one baby.  I knew from engagement that she had some severe issues with emotions. I knew I'd be in for some hard times, but I loved her and thought that I could "help her" (boy was I wrong). My counselor at the time even said that based one what I said, he thought she could have BPD. I didn't even know what that was. He even warned me how hard something like that is to deal with .  Again, I felt very strongly that I wanted to marry her.

Since marriage, the masks have come off. I never realized how nasty someone could be toward their spouse.  I am generally a very easy going, relaxed, jolly, peaceful person.  I am a strong Christian and it has taken me years to get to this place, but I generally just am a person who lets things roll off his back.  I think the Lord equipped me with extraordinary patience, love, caring.  Generally, her default is not horrible....but at best just depressive and ready to be triggered at any moment. She has a very stressful job.  I learned early on she gets very stressed out by work, life, finances...then she turns that anxiety on me.  Critical of every little thing I do, say, don't do.  Every day is walking on egg-shells.  About once a week, maybe every other week if we are in a good season, she has a major blow-up.  Almost always about something so incredibly miniscule.  Blow-out argument, berating me, saying very nuclear and off-limits things (divorce, regret marrying me, bringing up painful things in my past, says how horrible I am).  Then she shifts into a half-hearted apology, then we fight even more. Then an apology. Then self deprecation.  Then it is like...boom...she totally pretends it never happened and wants me to just move one.

Meanwhile, every day I feel like her court jester.  I have incredibly stressful jobs...yet I come home and try to just be happy, upbeat, and joyful. She is like Eeor. I try to make her smile. Write her notes. Give her flowers and gifts. Do a lot of things for her.  I make dinner most days, because she is too fatigued.  When she wrongs me, I still am almost always the one to have to make amends.  I pour out my life to serve, respect, protect her.  Yet, I very rarely get any reciprocal acts or attitude.  She admits she knows she doesn't do much for me, she wants to try harder.  But really never does.  She doesn't really like sex. I appreciate when she does it anyway, when we do.  But certainly it rarely feels like it is this two way reciprocal love thing, more of a duty.

She hates where we live. She holds it over my head all the time. Like once a week. She blames where we live on her issues, which is just nonsense (she had them before we lived here).  She just wants me to up and move and quit my job.  When I actually say I would move...she says "no, maybe we need to stay here".  It drive me insane.

We had a baby last year, he is our pride and joy. So sweet. But now she has some little guy to love, at my expense.  A whole new set of things I don't do right "because I don't care for the baby", or for other people not to do right.  Last year she had a total blow-up with my mom and dad, for no reason. My parents are so sweet, Christian, loving. They love her, even though they know she has major issues.  They have only tried to help.  Then, my mom was visiting helping with the baby and she had a HUGE blowout against here, for something so minor I don't even remember what it was. My mom was flabbergasted. She has heard from my how she can act, and saw it a bit the previous year, but she saw it in FULL BLOWOUT mode this time.  Screaming.  Aggressiveness.  She tried to storm out and get in her car and drive away (she wasn't drinking,but very upset and not fit to drive). I took the keys from here. She took an iPhone cable and wrapped it around her neck and started to choke herself.  I took it away and Called my mom in.  My mom started to record with her camera, out of a sense of being able to show her how she was acting and because my mom just had no clue what was going on.  Well, that sent my wife into an even bigger melt-down...."DELETE THAT VIDEO!!!I WILL SUE YOU". She tried to take the phone from my mom.  I threatened to call 911, she melted down even more "that will RUIN ME".  I should have just done it.  But I did say I was calling our pastor.  My mom was so flabbergasted and upset, she packed up her bags and went to the curb to get an uber. It broke my heart. It is my mom. She is the sweetest person.  She flew home the next day.  She then followed me around the house insisting we "talk" (by talking, I mean her berating me and my mom). She would not leave me alone, so I got in the car and told her I was going to the office (it was late at night). Then I sat in a parking lot and called a pastor I know and said I was in trouble and needed someone to talk to right now. He said I could come over, I did.     She also had a major blow out with a friend.  In both cases she has been so angry at me for not being equally outraged and nasty toward them, but rather asking her to reconcile and forgive.

I have since told her very clearly, that if she ever threatens her life again, in words or actions, I will call the authorities.

I can't even begin to tell you the long list of horrible things she will say to me.  Today she got so angry at me for absolutely no reason.  She started to wail while holding our son.  He started crying. I said "I am not mad, let me take him because he is getting upset". She went into "you are trying to take him away from me" (abandonment stuff, she said this to my mom). And she kicked me away (not hard).  I tried to settle this all day. Give space. She kept at it.  Tonight she hounded me again, blocked the doorway and demanded I come to bed. I said no, I need space.  She shoved me (not very hard) into the bathroom.  It concerns me she is now willing to get physical.  She said something like "you are a grown man, you can't handle a woman?".

Again, I think anyone looking in objectively would be so awed by how patient, loving, understanding I have been with her...despite how she has treated me.  When she is not triggered, she knows this and feels very bad about it. She always says how much I do for her, how she wonders why I am so nice to her, etc.  I just do it because it is my duty to love her, and I try to have the joy and love of Christ outflowing (imperfectly).  Yet I find myself become ever more depressed, impatient, and prone to anger myself (responding to her).  I have NEVER had an anger issue, my entire life. Now, I just can't even deal with her toxicity. I tried to walk away, get space, cool down.  She just hounds me and creates me from text, calling, from the other room.  Even in my anger, I have NEVER said anything intentionally to hurt or berate her, only telling her things that are true out of a desire to help her understand how I feel (that she is being very toxic to me, that she is being bitter towards someone, etc.).  She equivocates that with the same as saying the absolutely intentional harmful things to me.  It is so enraging. Gaslighting at its finest.  I do find myself raising my voice more frequently, sometimes with my son present, and saying some foul words (which I NEVER used to do...to anyone).

Some of the most painful things she has done that just wear on me (other than the issue with my mom) are things like: when I had a friend call and say another friend had died, we were on our way to meet her family for the first time. I cried. She said something like "are you going to cry in front of my family? Do we need to stay home?" She was worried I'd embarrass her.  I rarely get sick, but this one time I was so ill that I woke up in the middle of the night, took a long hot shower, then barely could get out of the shower. I literally just threw some towels on the bathroom floor and laid down and essentially passed out buck naked.  She woke up and found me laying there half-dead looking and the first thing she asked "are those the good towels?".  Meanwhile, when she is sad, I kiss her tears.  When her grandma died, I consoled her. When she is sick, I have held back her hair and cleaned up her vomit, nursed her like a child.   

One time she read my old dairy. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. I have told her EVERYTHING about my life, any skeletons (and they aren't really that bad).  I don't really care that she saw my diary. I wasn't hiding it.  But that she felt free to just look through it...well...that is not cool. Even worse, she read some entry about a girl I really was pursuing like 15 years ago. She confessed that she read it, but then proceeds to compare herself to this girl...and hold it over my head.  She also has spied on my phone and looked at texts to my mom and best friends about her (then took them out of context and got mad at me). She knows that I have two best friends I can tell ANYTHING about our marriage, and she has permission to ask them anything about me (and they have permission to share).  I established this as a method of trust. I have said, I need friends to process things with. They are very trustworthy.  She also knows that I tell some things to my family, not all.  I changed my phone password, which KILLS me to think I cannot trust my own wife.

We are both Christians (though she does not exhibit much fruit at home) and to many people look like this perfectly happy cute Christian family.  She is incredibly sweet to strangers and others.   Yet, inside we have a horrible marriage. I feel like a total fraud.  I feel like it would be easier if people just knew we were in trouble and didn't think so highly of us as a married couple.  I always remind her when she compares herself to another couple...I say "you know, people probably look at us and think how perfect we are...but they know nothing about what goes on in our family".

 Sure, we have many okay days each week, and sometimes some very great days.  And we both love our son very much.  I love my wife, in the same why, I think a father would love his wayward son....I love and care for her...wont' give up on her.... but I don't like her right now, nor do I feel in-love with her.  have NEVER said that to her. EVER.  My heart can't even handle saying something like that to my wife.  I have resisted even uttering something like divorce (as a Christian I do not believe that divorce should even be an option unless the extreme cases, especially of infidelity), though she threatens it all the time.  I don't want to divorce. I want her to find healing. I don't want to put our son in the middle of a divorce. Heaven forbid we ever did get divorced, I do not trust that her family would not demonize me (because I see how they demonize another ex-husband) and try to take my son totally (my family would not demonize her).  I Can't believe I am even typing this out.

This has made my life miserable. Walking on eggshells in my own home. Wondering if today will be a good day or a bad day.  Even when they are not bad, it is just surviving.  Today I had a major bout of depressive feelings, a deep sense of hopelessness I have felt for about 2 weeks when I had COVID years ago (and I think have a little bit of PTSD from.  I have had it. I can't do this much longer.  This is no way to live. I am concerned for my son and his mental health if we cannot find healing.  It has strained my relationship with my family (they love me, but need distance from her), from some friends, and my relationship with God...if I were to be honest.

I have begged and begged and begged for her to get counseling. She has started and stopped a few times. She finally is seeing one (maybe 4-5 times now). She likely has not even broached anything more than "work is stressful" with her.  I don't think this one is trained in BPD/DBT, but it is the one one we could get for now. We have met with our pastor (which I am surprised she was willing to do) and he said he was going to hold us accountable to get marriage counseling. We do have an appointment with one. But, again, I am not living in much hope. I also am starting counseling again (I have been in it many times) because I need to protect my own heart and have someone to process with.

I am thankful for these boards. It is helpful to know there are others who deal with the same thing. And to feel validated.One of the hardest parts of this is that she does not admit to having BPD (or any problem) and she projects it all on me.  Tonight was so engaging when she was telling me I am the one with an anger problem, that treats her horribly, that gaslights, etc...It makes you question your own sanity.  I made a mistake in engaging with her, and not just letting it go.  I have started to keep a private locked electronic journal of major blow outs...not as a matter of "recording sin" to hold it over her head (like she does me), but for my own sanity and to remind myself that despite her gaslighting me...she has been the one emotionally abusing and manipulating me.  She has been the one to threaten divorce multiple times, mock our marriage, mock my vocation, threaten her life, actually attempt to take her life (probably didn't mean it though), disrespect my mom (I have always treated her with kindness and respect), kick and shove me, leave the house with baby and turn off GPS, slam doors, pull up unrelated hurtful things just to hurt me, cry uncontrollably with the baby, read my emails and diary behind my back, etc.. Those are not signs of a healthy person.

I want us to be healthy. I want to love my wife again. I want us to raise our son to be healthy. I want more kids.  I am just at my wits end and don't know what to do.

Thank you.

So a few things to add as well.

As I said, the week when she broke up with me, she started going to therapy by her own. Since a few days later we started No Contact, I don't know if it's continuing.

Also, she didn't seperate me from my friends, except one female friend who was very close to me, and she was really jealous, but later she kind of befriended her, and even met her a few times as I was on my work trip. My friend told me that my GF could only talk about me, because we had some problems, she wanted me to marry her...all other kind of things. She said that she did seem obsessed but honest.

My gf said she doesn't like the fact that I get emotional with another female and share with them things, it should be her only as a female.

She encouraged me to meet my friends also, when I had some trouble with my brother, she also encouraged me to make up with him.

She didn't change her looks, hair, in the 3 years, she kind of had a strong identity of herself.

Also, alcohol abuse was not too bad, she didn't get drunk mostly, but tipsy, not every day, but few times a week, 1 or 2 glasses of wine, and she was quite honest about it.

One things I am very convinced of is that she never cheated.

I might add some things later.

Here is the poem by Nelson Mandala. I find reading it through and then one of the lines stays in my mind. The last line is very powerful I think.

Letting go
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring: it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Nelson Mandela (18 July1918 - 5 december 2013)

Hi Deb Jones
Yours is a difficult situation for sure. Does your DD and her daughter live with you? You mention DD has no financial means of support so I am assuming they are both living with you?

My Dd and her daughter both live with me – and DD is a meth user. When you say:

I am so weary and anxious about all this that some days I cant function well. I feel so sad for her and can't help feel sorry for her. She has absoluteley nothing in her life..

I can understand completely. At the moment my DD has the possibility of going to goal coming up and she is very anxious and distressed – as am I!! I find myself in the weird position of both DD and her daughter claiming that I favour the other. I find this very difficult to deal with.

I have lots of questions about how your situation works, because each person’s position is different, each child with BPD will have different variety of symptoms and severity. My DD is low functioning and has little rational capacity. So everything holds the possibility of emotional explosion. Can you tell us a bit more about your situation – ie do you work, are they living with you, how explosive is DD etc Does your grandchild go to school regularly?

I have just a couple of general suggestions in relation to the weariness and anxiety – ones that help me.

In relation to the weariness- BPD is unrelenting with the mood swings often unpredictable  and constant. Being the ‘target of blame’ is extraordinarily challenging. The thing I find most helpful is ‘timeouts’.  It might not be possible to create a regular space, but I keep my eye open for any opportunity. It could mean stopping on the way home to go to a café or a walk, establishing that a certain day is your sleep in day, making time to keep in touch with a friend, even if it is just by text.
Timeouts are vital to me.

In relation to anxiety I use the 3C mantra, which I find helpful, especially in relation to the sorrow I feel that my DD has nothing in life and I can’t see a future for her. I get overwhelmed with this feeling and the sense that I should do something about it.

When I get like this I say over and over again ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’.

It’s a mantra that helps me accept that this is the situation and I can’t direct it into a better way. It means letting go – which is hard for me to do!

There may be other ways too – for example I feel myself getting calmer as I write to you because I am writing to someone who understands, and I am putting my situation ‘out there’, out of my head. Perhaps you might find writing a journal helps to ease the interior pain?

Sometimes we have to ‘let go’ even to take a timeout. I will post this then try to find the ‘Letting Go’ poem and post that – it’s another thing I find useful.

Methuen,

I'm so sorry for all your struggles, grief and stress which is probably manifesting in your body after all these years.  I can relate a little bit, as I have an adult BPD stepdaughter, but since's she's not my blood relative and I didn't grow up with her, it's not the same thing.  I had a mostly "normal" childhood, with stable and functional parents, and I can't image what it would be like not growing up with that.

I can relate though to the ongoing stress of dealing with BPD, as well as being an executor.  I'm executor for my dad, who passed a couple of years ago, and it continues to generate a lot of work and added stress.  I'm lucky that I can handle it for the most part, though sometimes I can't help but feel a little resentful and frustrated with the process.  I probably do something related to the estate and lingering affairs every weekday, though I'm sure to take a break on weekends.

Anyway, like you, I had lingering, likely stress-induced health issues around the time of my father's death, while simultaneously dealing with near-peak dysfunction with my BPD stepdaughter--multiple suicide attempts and hospital stays, plus living with her while she refused to work on herself.   As you know, the family dynamic can become extremely strained amidst BPD dysfunction, and my husband was taking out his frustrations primarily on me.  Thus during the last weeks of my father's life and the subsequent funeral, my husband acted out and "punished" me, exactly when I needed his support most.  So adding to the stress was the realization that I couldn't rely on my husband when I needed him to be supportive (or merely non-needy).  I was stressed out, worn down and had bouts of insomnia too.  I developed a moderate, all-over itchy rash which prevented me from sleeping more than an hour at a time.  I lost some weight without trying.  Basically it took me six months to overcome the worst of the rash, but I still wasn't sleeping right.  I had this deal with myself that if I got out of bed five times in the night, and it was still only 4 am, I'd take a Benadryl or an ibuprofen to take the edge off the itchiness/soreness, which seemed to provide some temporary relief from discomfort.  But if it was 5 am, I'd just give up and start my day.  It took almost two years to get back to feeling like my old self, and sleep most of the night (sort of).

I know I still feel stressed sometimes, as I get some achiness, such as from clenching my teeth, as well as neck and back soreness.  For me, daily stretching has helped with that.  Daily stretching was my resolution for 2026, and I think it has been a big help.  Another habit I started to help combat my dry, itchy skin and rashes was to drink two full cups of water when I wake up, plus another two full cups in the afternoon.  I found that drinking extra water also helped me feel more like my usual self.  As an added benefit, I'm less prone to headaches, too.  In addition, I was sure to go to the doctor, get a blood panel and follow the doctor's recommendations.  Like you, I feel that doctors can seem dismissive sometimes, but I don't really blame them because sometimes the body is a mystery, and there can be compounding factors.  Sometimes I think it's about trial and error.  One doctor wanted to prescribe me sleeping pills, and I said no, the problem was unrelenting itchiness, I need to treat that--is it underactive thyroid?  low-level dehydration?  allergies?   stress?  gluten sensitivity?  low vitamin D?  all of the above?  I think it might be a combination of multiple factors.

I hope you give yourself some grace and some time to process your feelings and get on a path towards healing.  For what it's worth, you have this community of friends.  It sounds like you have close friends, too, and they can bring some comfort.  Most of all, know that you did your best, and that's all anybody can do.  I think your mom was extremely lucky to have you as a daughter, even if she didn't know how to show it.

I had been wondering how you were doing. For the first time in your life, you have full permission to grieve the lifelong loss of having a mother with BPD, who was never able to show any kind of appreciation for the loving kind daughter she had no matter what you did for her. We cannot fully grieve the loss of a parent who abused us instead of giving their child the unconditional love that every child deserves when that parent is still a part of our lives, and we never know when the next round of abuse is coming. Instead of feeling relief after the death of an abusive parent, we can feel overwhelmed because now it is safe to feel all the feelings about how the parent mistreated us during a life time of abuse. When we have a lifelong loss, it can help to set aside specific times to grieve, sometimes once a day and then as time moves on perhaps not so often while still setting aside these times when we need to do so.

My mother with BPD has been dead for several years now. I still have aha moments when I suddenly realize how I am still affected by all the abuse I have endured and continue to endure because of all the people who support the toxic family narratives. It does hurt when other people believe that all mothers should be viewed as gods and  assume that when our mother dies we have a loving relationship to grieve. Many years ago, I had a coworker whose mother was a terrible person. When her mother died, she told the entire staff, many of whom who were aware of how badly her mother had treated her, that she did not want to receive any condolences.

Hugs to your Methuen. Thank you for reaching out and helping other members. I appreciate all your kindness in responding to my posts. I hope you are soon feeling better.

Hi Crone,

Iam so sorry to read of another grandparent in this position.

Iam currently estranged from my udd and 3 gc. The youngest has been born during this estrangement and I have never met. For years I was cut off. The first time it happened I was desperate to see my gc again and worried about their mental health. Eventually I was allowed to see them again (after a lot of persuading from my udd's swker at the time) and my eldest gc 2yo at the time cried and cried when she saw me again. I could see how much my gc had held in all the emotional pain but udd seemed to remain un phased by it all which broke my heart even more.

I  have sent birthday cards which I now know were never given to my gc, but I made sure to take pics of them before sending them so in the future if they ask if I ever thought about them I can show them.

I also decided to go over to her home unannounced at the beginning of this estrangement hoping to see my gc and thats when I saw that she was pregnant. Luckily now I think about it now my gc werent home and would have perhaps been a little confused about when they would next see me so I thought about what would be the best for gc's mental health and I made a decision from that day onwards to stay out of their lives.

So from my experience I would say that the best thing to do right now is to sit and wait for your dd to contact you. I believe that my udd honestly doesnt realise that my gc can have opposing feelings to hers and so if she doesnt want to have a relationship with me then her belief is that neither should my gc.

What you have is time on your side. Your dd is a new mother and your gc is still a baby so there is time for this current situation to change even it is in the short term. Hopefully your dd will see some therapy before your gc gets older and this becomes a pattern,  but I think what you can take comfort in right now is that your dd is doing a good job as a first time  mother which isnt always the case.