I've done amazing in my healing journey. Picked up new hobbies. Slowed the drinking so much since it's not my crutch anymore. Lost tons of weight. I feel pretty good almost always.

However, I do still avoid my ex at work. I've seen her in passing. I don't look at her. Make small talk. Tell her one of our dogs passed, no updates nothing. I think this is fair. A group of people here who know 'enough' are starting to annoy me. You're being a btch. Who cares anymore? Go be around her, etc. I see no reason to voluntarily put myself around her when there's literally zero need. It doesn't come off as strength to me. I have nothing to prove.

It makes no sense to posture and go be around her on purpose. Why do I need to prove a thing when this person has assaulted me, abused me in all facets of the word and tried to have the cops come get me? And then ran around telling everyone I was an abusive monster? I just have no want/need to be around her.

And knowing how her brain works she'll see this as some sort of 'in' to reestablish communications. She came to my building yesterday for zero reason. Oh well. My buddy wanted to leave work....early at that, which is another problem in itself, but I said I'm not leaving yet. 1) It's 20 minutes before our tour ends, and 2) Why am I trying to just go make myself known?

I'm not like in hiding and I really am doing better, much better, but I'm also not here trying to strut around in front of her. I don't like her.

There's a creator that I occasionally see on TikTok that makes a running series of a guy making wishes to a genie.  He might wish, "I want all the money in the world."  And poof, he has all the money.  Since there's no money left, humanity goes back to the barter system and now the money is worthless.

Each episode, he makes a different wish that doesn't turn out how he expects.  In another, he wished for $5M USD, all in non-sequential hundred dollar bills.  He thinks, surely I have outsmarted the genie this time.  The money appears, and seconds later the FBI bursts into the apartment and arrests him for a bank heist.

In another, he wishes for $50M in unstamped gold bars that is created from raw ore within the solar system.  He specifies that this is gold that nobody has ever seen before, is not being accounted for anywhere, and has no effect on the global economy.  The genie says, "Hmm, great wish...I think you finally cracked the genie code."  Then the gold appears falling from the ceiling and crushes the guy like a pancake.

In fact, I know in my heart that I will not help her if she does not somehow reach the bottom herself. I know he's circling around, I think he's looking for answers considering this fake nickname on twitch. I think the situation is uncomfortable for both her and me. I ordered a book I hate you don't leave, think it's a good idea to read it

I just had a brief visit with her - the first in a long time. I learned that she is involved in as many as 9 lawsuits around a decision she made at work. One of the folks involved was a good friend at one point in her life - this is another pattern. Her friends end up being on the wrong side of her eventually. She's also being pushed out of her job so is looking for new ones. This is classic BPD stuff, right? It's so surreal, because she seems otherwise good. And right now she seems to want to connect with me - and I just can't. I can do surface, but guarded. Listening to her explain this I just felt myself looking at the pattern and not the situation, while my dad focuses on the situation - and wondering how no one else is seeing this pattern and questioning it? She is in the process of her own lawsuit and now this.

As an aside, during that same conversation, she claimed that it is rare for people to have more than one personality disorder, and especially rare in the same cluster. My reading / research on this is that it is actually common for people to have more than one, and often in the same cluster - am I wrong? She said it as if its fact and since she has a child who she says had one (but formal diagnoses is bipolar 2), it's no good engaging her on it. In years past I would engage that convo, but I've learned not to with her unless it really matters.

I think within Christianity, or monotheistic religions, the "Be Careful What You Wish For" trope is still used, but framed as a deal with the Devil.  The person making the deal gets what they want, but fails to foresee how severe the other end of the bargain would be when they lose their soul.

In the "traditional," non-monotheistic telling, man fails when he wishes for something, because he is mortal and fallible and cannot bear the power of the gods (or whatever they may be).

Well, sorry you're going through all that.  I think, for me, the biggest thing I learned was that there are individuals who fit into this sort of thing.  What I mean by that, is that I knew there were mentally ill people, but I assumed everyone who was not mentally ill was at least "normal" in that you could trust them and they would see things the same way you do on some level. 

Learning about BPD (and cluster-B behavioral disorders in general) ended that view for me.  But in a way, it was beneficial insofar as it did explain a lot.  People that I knew that were fundamentally dishonest, and I had a hard time understanding why they were like that, well, maybe they were NPD or BPD? 

I think you need to realize that when you engage with this person, their response is not going to be the same thing you expect.  Their thinking is disordered, (and often paranoid) and so whereas you may be sending an email seeking closure and some answers, they are possibly assuming you're trying to blame them for something or attack them. 

Also prepare for them to try to come back into your life in a very indirect, and possibly aggressive way; for example, for her to suddenly demand her things back and blame you for disposing of them.  Or to attempt to reconnect and pretend like nothing ever happened. 

Think through how you'd deal with these things, but again, remember that if she's BPD, she is mentally disordered, and you would never be able to trust that the things she's saying are true or candid.  If you decide to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, you would have to embrace the chaos; you will not be able to "fix" them and have the sort of relationship you want. 

All these flying monkey relatives together. It's not an event you'd want to attend.

There's absolutely no reason why you'd have even considered being in town for that event.

I think you managed it well. It's hard to avoid complete contact with family members who are connected to other family members. A phone call from your area is something you might want to answer sometimes. I think it also still can bring up feelings but that's expected- these situations are hard. I think you handled it just right. You didn't give her any drama by reacting. Now, they can have their event together- something you wouldn't want to attend anyway.

I so understand your wanting to be acknowledged and for your ideas for progress to be heard.  And the reality is that the current pattern IS the pattern.  Reality here stinks.

Do you know if the therapists your pwbpd has been seeing are experienced with this condition and use one of the evidence-based treatment practices  - dbt, mentalization-based treatment, or transference-focused psychotherapy?

I'll say that for me, the odds of my pwbpd ever accessing any therapy, let alone these modalities, are virtually nil. So, as hard as it is to accept the reality, logic says I must.

We all want to be heard.  In fact, my biggest difficulty in dealing with all of this is that I am not heard.  They ask me for help, and I try to talk about what I notice. They immediately start hitting me with reasons why I’m wrong, why my fixes are impossible, or a complete misunderstanding of what I said because they are listening on the defensive.  They both hate themselves and reject any criticism of themselves or their situation.   

I get that they want to be affirmed.  I also get that I want to be affirmed.  I want acknowledgment that I am in the relationship and also have fears, wants, needs, and struggles.   

I know that BPD can be hell, as can the emotional struggles, but sometimes there is a part of me that senses some enjoyment in there. 

One reason why I suggest not making a break up statement- or any statement and just keeping your reactions low key is also to give you some emotional space to work through your own feelings.

None of your relationships are exclusive. He's allowed to have a relationship with another person. Your boundary is that you don't want to hear about it- because when you do, you feel hurt and anxious.

That's completely normal and one reason someone would choose an exclusive relationship, but for this to work, both people need to want and choose this.

People have all kinds of different boundaries in open relationships, but from what I have heard, there are still some boundaries, even if monogamy isn't one of them. You have a set of boundaries that you and your H agree on. With this BF you also want boundaries - not hearing about his other interests, but he doesn't have the same boundaries as you. (with pwBPD boundaries are difficult).

While he seems to be a focus right now, it may help to focus on you and your feelings, what you wish for in this situation, and if it is workable for you, emotionally. You might have feelings for him, but overall, if this situation is hurtful to you, you still can choose yourself, but first, figure out your feelings before saying something to him or acting on them.

If he's living with you, there's logistics to this as well. If he's paying rent, on a lease- then he will be there even if you make a statement to him and that will be an emotional situation. The timing of the lease, whatever other options he has for living, could be a consideration if you were to choose to not be in the relationship. If you choose to continue the relationship- then he's also free to have a relationship with someone else- and even if you have feelings about this- these will be yours to manage.