Hi Anonymous22,

I really empathize with your situation and can very much relate.

Having said that, I hope you won't be irritated by my suggestion. I personally would just always assume that your husband will not follow through with any agreements, and not even make them in the first place. I think that will create the least amount of stress and drama for you. If he helps out and follows through with plans, great. If not, you will not be relying on him and you won't have to rearrange things last minute. I know this is not a "normal" marriage partnership by a long shot, and it is unfair, but personally, I have found it to be the most practical and least frustrating way to live. I look at taking care of our children as a joy and a privilege, and I feel sorry for my husband that he is not mentally well enough to join me in this venture.

For me, what is the hardest is not so much relying on him to help out, as I don't rely on him at all, but having him not follow through with commitments that involve his attendance. He missed our son's third birthday, which is a big milestone in our culture, he has not shown up at family weddings, you get the idea. This is something I haven't found a solution for except to realize that I literally cannot rely on him for anything or to be there for any event. But I can't say I have not been very disappointed and embarrassed at times. BPD is truly an awful disorder....

Hello. This is my first time in the group. I have a spouse with BPD, we are now separated, and the journey has been exhausting. It is great to have a space to interact with others in a similar situation. The best part of learning about BPD and having resources such as this site is learning that I am not a bad person, and that feeling that way often is a reaction to her disorder.

Yes, you have experience with the concept. While you did Alanon because of your relationship with your former H, and all 12 step groups have the same basic format- some have a different focus. CODA is on enabling in general. ACA goes into family of origin to look at learned behaviors and make changes now. You might want to see what these groups are like for you.

One idea of why your son resists the Kaiser groups is that there's accountabilty with the leader and others in the group, but these are good things. My BPD mother had a wonderful doctor but at one point got angry- perhaps he had boundaries, and then tried another doctor- and that one had boundaries too. So she went back to him. I think all along she knew he was a good doctor.

Kaiser is one of the earliest managed care models,  but now, almost all health care is managed care. From the people I know who are with Kaiser- I see that their health care needs are pretty well covered, even if some options are group options. That your son won't go may not be about Kaiser but his own reasons.

Hey Mom!

It's so hard at first, we want our kids in our lives and it's devestating when they're not.  I went through that a few years back with my non-BPD daughter and it's just as painful.  The difference is that my kid just needed some time and we were able to reconnect naturally.

With my BPD daughter, it's always a very different process.  She explodes, tells me off, disappears for days/weeks and then texts me for gas money out of nowhere.  Then I don't hear from her for six months.

I've realized over the years that these two relationships are certainly not equal.  One is a genuine father/daughter relationship and the other is me catering to the endless needs of my mentally ill daughter.  Either I do what she wants, when she wants or eventually there's serious conflict...and that's not a relationship.  So I stopped fighting for that many years ago.

While I love both my daughters equally, I refuse to fight to be involved with someone who treats me badly.  And by doing that, our relationship has actually improved quite a bit.  I rarely help financially anymore and she rarely asks.  While it's sad, I think it's the best possible option when looking at all the potential choices.  When we do talk, we get along well because I'm not longer in her inner orbit.

For your guilt, I'd say that it is not yours to carry.  You didn't create this situation and you didn't cut your daughter off.  She made adult choices and she's living by those adult choices.  Let her.  That's not a you-thing at all.

Hi Mom,

Many parents here are wracked with guilt, even if they did their absolute best with their children.  I think it's OK to sit with that feeling, but please don't beat yourself up too much.  You probably did your best, but things didn't go as you hoped.  Maybe there were a few things you regret, and hey, that's completely normal, because you're human, not perfect!  I hope you give yourself a little grace.  Why not start by forgiving yourself?

And how about this:  why don't you forgive your daughter for making you feel so miserable?  She's an adult, you did everything in your power to prepare her for the world, and now she's out there.  She needs to find her way, and if that means she cuts of contact with you for a while, so be it.  My guess is that she feels like she's a failure, and she doesn't want to feel the pressure of harsh judgment from you, even if it's entirely imagined.  By keeping her distance, she's avoiding feelings of inferiority, shame and guilt.  That could be why she's extemely jealous of any attention you give to your stepchild--because she thinks the stepchild has "upstaged" and "usurped" her, becoming the "good" child while she's the "evil" one.  The thing is, with BPD, she sees everything in black and white, and she takes everything like a personal affront.  Rather than deal with the truth--she acted in a mean way, she's not doing the work she should be doing, she's lazy/selfish/petulant/irritable/hostile--what she does is weave a victim narrative.  That flips the script and makes everyone else--especially you--the reason for all her troubles.  But here's the thing.  I think she needs some separation from you to realize that you can't possibly be the cause of all her problems.  Because if she's flailing and fighting all the time, when you're not even around, then maybe she'll come to the realization, hey, it's not mom, it's me.  I need to get help because I can't take this anymore, and I can't just blame mom.  Blaming mom (e.g. a terrible, abusive childhood, a childhood memory from over a decade ago) stops "working" for her.  The sooner this realization happens, the better in my opinion.

In the meantime, my advice is, you need to model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That means taking care of yourself, your health and finances, doing fun things and enjoying your homelife.  That means letting go of things you can't control, like your BPD daughter's feelings.  That means giving yourself some grace, accepting that things aren't perfect, but that you did the best you could with what you had at the time.  And then when your dear daughter contacts you again, you'll be in a calm, healthy, happy place.

Helpful to hear and thank you for the guidance

  Hello all, this is my first post. I wish I had found this community sooner! My adult daughter (diagnosed twice by two different docs) lives in a different city and we were together last week for a family trip. The last three trips have included massive blowouts/meltdowns and this was no exception. She wanted me to admit to spanking her regularly as a child (I did not). We were able to get past this and when I returned home I ordered a copy of The Essential Family Guide to BPD through our family Amazon account. For that she really lost it and has since told her siblings she's going no contact with me. I should also note that my youngest is graduating high school in a couple of weeks and believe this is a strong motivational factor for this extreme behavior. I am not sure how she'll actually follow through with this, but it's really stressing out my younger kid who is having to step in as something of a replacement for me in the relationship. Not to mention it's ruining what is supposed to be a happy occasion, which is usually the case for us with the older kid. Any advice is welcome. I've done my best to validate her feelings and leave the door open, also offered to do counseling together. The problem is she's never wrong and therapy never works (her belief, not mine).

So I am fairly new here and have only posted a couple of times but everyone's feedback and experiences really helped me. I have the feeling of so much guilt lately, my 22 year old daughter has BPD and she has cut me out of her life about 3 months ago. I live with my fiance and he has an 18 year old daughter who absolutely adores me and she no longer has a relationship with her mother and considers me more of a mother. The thing is I get this feeling in my stomach whenever we are doing something and I can't enjoy myself because I feel guilty like I am replacing my daughter. My daughter used to get along really well with my fiances kids in the beginning but now has no use for them. I am always blaming myself for my daughter and always going through of what I could have done differently. 
My step daughter has asked me if I would like to go out shopping for a girls day sometime and I instantly had knots in my stomach from the guilt. I just don't know how to work through this I love my daughter so much and I wish I could go back and do something different for her...what I have no idea. I have a son as well who is 20 years old and we have an amazing relationship, I just don't know how 2 kids raised the same can be so different.
This guilt is going to put me over the edge, I cry almost every day thinking of how she must feel thinking I have let her down. I am willing to try anything to work through this guilt.

Those demands are just that, demands.  One of the facets of BPD is the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  You need to balance your own welfare and your own wishes as to what you want to do with things you own, even if inherited, versus his predictable lack of appreciation.

Even if you treat him overly-fair and gift him whatever to appease him, he will still be the same problem person.  Knowing that, then make the decisions you wish to make, not what he wishes.  Yes, sadly, that's the way it is.

NotWendy,
Your second paragraph starting with In a nutshell is something I can remember easily and is a truth I can hold onto as I move forward.  I appreciate your input about Kaiser being an option- my son isn't left w/o resources. I was an Alanon member regularly for over a decade. I was greatly helped and grew as my first marriage was with an alcoholic np/bpd.
I'm now walking forward with my son and learning not to drift along with old habits and ingrained ways. I'll do it, a step at a time.