Tell-Hill,
Condolences on your loss. Oddly, you, Methuen, and I all experienced the passing of our BPD mothers during approximately the past year. I don't think your post is making this about yours. Our situations may have differences but they have similarities.

Condolences from people who had close and loving relationships with their non disordered mothers felt uncomfortable to me at the time. Of course, I knew people were well meaning and expressing condolensces out of kindness, and I appreciated that, but it felt odd to me. I told people who I thought should know, but some friends, who lived at a distance- I didn't tell- not because I didn't want them to know, I didn't want the attention. Maybe also  because I didn't feel the same as they did. We have feelings, but it's hard to define that odd mix of them.

But condolences from people on this board- yes, you all "get it" and so I also send you condolences too.

ForeverDad, I have to keep telling my self I didn the right thing but my goodness it is so hard.  I'm praying so hard she can come back from this.  Thank you.

I posted this on this board because a lot of my discomfort with disordered people comes from growing up in a highly dysfunctional family and from ongoing traumatic reenactments. The narcissism of this disordered neighbor reminds me of my mother with BPD and some other disordered people who are/were in my life.

Hey Anonymous22,

That really does sound like a roller coaster… and honestly, the part that stands out isn’t just the ups and downs, it’s how much you’re holding steady through all of it.

You’re basically functioning as a single parent to four kids while managing his unpredictability, and still keeping things structured, active, and safe for them. That’s not small.

What you described with the “good stretch” followed by the shift… that kind of pattern can feel especially disorienting because it gives a glimpse of what could be, and then it’s gone again. It makes the drop hit harder.

One thing I noticed is how consistent you’ve been with your boundaries. You’re not engaging in the chaos, you’re redirecting, protecting the kids, and staying grounded even when he escalates. That matters more than it probably feels in the moment, especially for your kids who are clearly looking to you as their safe place.

About contacting the therapist… I think your instinct is already pointing you in the right direction. There’s a difference between supporting accountability and stepping into a role where you’re trying to manage or stabilize him. From what you wrote, you’ve already stepped back from that space and are focusing on what’s yours to carry.

And honestly, the line that stuck with me most was this:


That’s not just something you’re saying… it’s already what you’re doing.

You’re not crazy for feeling disappointed after things seemed stable. And you’re not overreacting to how hard this is. You’re just seeing the pattern clearly now, and staying steady anyway.

That counts.

I have a very disordered neighbor who has lived next door to me for several years. Most of the time I limit my contact with her. Unfortunately she never stops trying to control me and all the other neighbors with her unreasonable demands. I blew up at her a few years ago when I was woken up by some hammering. She had hired some contractors to replace a door that she did not like on my house. I blew up and told her to never do any work on my house without telling me first. I have had a few incidents like this over the years, being very civil and distancing myself from her which mostly works. The problem is once she goes on a tangent of control, yelling at her when I can't take it any more is what seems to work.

I have always had trouble with her bothering me about the areas around my house, in particular the community storage area next to my house. In recent months, she has been on my case, to remove my sand bags which I might need if there is a severe rain storm and have permission to store there by the HOA all of which I have briefly explained to her several times. She recently told me she has been appointed to manage the storage area which the HOA President confirmed to me is not true. She has been bothering other neighbors about removing what they have stored there.

Yesterday was just too much when she once again went after me about the sand bags. I blew up at her and told her to stay out of my business. I have never had a bad temper, yet this seems to be what works to get her to leave me alone. At one time, I told her I would not speak to her anymore and she begged me to not do that. I gave her the silent treatment for around a year. It seems that no contact is in order again.

My frustration with this is I do not like to raise my voice with another person or to give that person the silent treatment. It seems that with some disordered people uncomfortable solutions that are not how I like to treat people are what work.

We really feel for you, one crisis after another.  One of the downsides of BPD traits is that they resist meaningful help.  What is happening now... Consequences.  For too long the persons with BPD and similar acting-out (harmful to self but especially to others) patterns manage to evade consequences but it sounds like she needs that now.

Will this be her time to hit bottom and finally look up?  Or just another bottom in a series of bottoms?  Time will tell.

So my daughter was so out of control and refused help.  She sabatoged her marriage by cheating and just expected her husband to just forgiver her becuase she was "sorry".  Her husband is a good guy but also has had some mental health issues of his own so they are toxic for each other.  But he is still trying to be there for her throught this ordeal.  Now let me explain, since he has left she has been OBSESSED with him.  Demanding him to talk to her and texting and calling me to tell him to talk to her(almost 200 text at one time).  Then threating to hurt herself or him or both.  She went into his place of work and broke glasses and threw barstools.  They arrested her for that but released her with just a summons and a warning not to go back to the place of busisness.  So then she went and packed his clothes and threw them in the Mississippi River (took pics to show him).  So she started a new job worked 2 days then quit going(this has been the last several jobs) so NO income.  She sleeps all day and is manic at night.  She expects you to stop everything for her.  Well now she is pissed at me becuase I got her "arrested" but when I tried to tell her with no insurance this was the route we had to go to get her help she does not want to hear it.  Before I made the report she "agreed" to go into a inpatient facility for help but she had demands on the kind of place she wanted to go.  Well I called and for a private self pay facitlity and it was 4000.00 up front and 800.00 a DAY!!! Well I can not afford that, so this is the way I had to go.  We were supped to have a meeting with her to explain the process the day before I filed the paperwork but the night before her husband, my husband and I talked and didn't think she would take it well and then would run and flip out.  So now since we didn't have a "meeting" with her I betrade her.  I'm going see her today if she allows it but my heart is breaking for her.  I know this is alot but if anyone else has been through this let me know.

Thanks for this, CC43. Among my bpd family members, the aftermath of stressful times is to express superiority and dominance. It's the beginning of verbal put downs meant to wound the target and express outrageous demands. 

I've learned to ignore them and not triangulate other family members in an effort to control their behavior. Go ahead and have your tantrum. I'm going out to dinner meanwhile. I'm going to live my life and tell you nothing about it. I guess this is grey rocking in action.

I come here periodically but haven't posted for a while. I've wanted a long break from all things bpd.

I'm sorry your mother passed away, Methuen. Grief of someone close you had mixed feelings for is difficult to process. I had that experience 8 years ago when my ex-husband (I think he was a sociopath) died.

I don't want to make this into my own thread. My dBPD mother passed away after Thanksgiving 2025 (late November). Having gone through the anguish of my h's death prepared me for how to deal with my mom's death. Just like with him, it was a relief. Coming past the shock of it, I don't feel anguish or much pain.

My quiet, covert BPD brother took over the funeral and pushed me out and dishonored mom. The funeral was mostly about him. I was taken aback that he dared to do this. (I don't know why as this is a common occurrence among the disordered) I fought back pretty hard. Enabling dad let him have his way so most of what uBPD bro wanted he got. My brother tried to goad me into a fight at the funeral to retaliate against my pushback. I ignored him.

I still have a live dad and a taste of what he'll do when our dad passes. I'm prepared now.

I have a hard time with radical acceptance emotionally. It's hard to cut off wired feelings for immediate family. I struggle with it even when I'm used as a whipping post by uBPD brother. I think it's the biological tie from birth. I don't have positive feelings for my ex and other disordered family members.

I hope all goes well for you, Methuen. 

Holy roller coaster...as mentioned in previous posts, my uBPDh is in mandatory DV therapy (for about 6 months) and DBT therapy (for slightly over a year).  The last couple of months has been all over the place.  We have rental property, and my uBPDh has been living in one of those properties for the last almost a year, after a DV incident, but stays at our house with the kid's and I on Monday and Wednesday nights and then whenever he feels like it.  The kids, 2 mine from a previous relationship and 2 ours, live with me.  For the most part, I am the sole caretaker and provider for the 4 kids, essentially a single mom of 4 kids when it comes to actually looking at things!  When he does take care of the kids, I make sure that everything is set so that there is always very little that my uBPDh has to do.  All 4 of my kids are extremely active.  My oldest plays for a national team in his sport as well as his high school team and individual training, my next plays 2 fulltime sports, our next plays one sport and our youngest plays one sport but is wanting to start another one on top of that.  I am at my limit time wise, as I also take sole care of our house (whenever he promises to help me do stuff around the house, yard work, etc, he switches and just like that, its all my responsibility!) and work part time plus 2 PRN jobs.  When I am working, my uBPDh will take the younger 2 kids (our kids) to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but refuses to do anything else, including pick them up or take them to school on any other day, he states he is not able to because of work, but somehow is able to pick my stepdaughter up and go to my stepdaughter's sports, etc when he has her.  I also am the one to have to find child care and pay for child care when I work, he has told me that he refuses to be my "errand boy" when I have asked him to help with things like this!  I have worked very hard to set boundaries surrounding the kids and my work (he says he wants me to work fulltime, expects me to pay for almost everything, but has a complete meltdown every time I walk out the door to go to work, or really anything as he melted down yesterday when I left for my hair appointment, making it very hard for me to leave, especially for me to leave the kids with him).  I have held strong in my boundaries and have not "given in".  The kids and I have a really good life, I'm exhausted, but will support my kids in anyway that I can, and we are really happy...until my uBPDh decides to crush it.  A couple of months ago, my uBPDh split on me and it was a long 2ish months.  He would interact with our 2 youngest, but would ignore me and my 2 oldest kids.  We adjusted, he only came over when he had to get the kids to school and sometimes when our kids had games, but it was rough.  He always looked like he hadn't slept for days.  He would move seats at our kid's events if I sat next to he and my stepdaughter, etc.  He would try to start things with me periodically, but I would walk away.  Then all of a sudden on our s8's birthday party, he switched and couldn't get enough of me and my 2 kids.  It was literally like the turning of a light switch.  He seemed happy, but more even, not the over the top chasing the kids and I being crazy that usually signals the beginning of the switch.  This lasted 2 weeks, longer than I think he has ever been in a good spot.  He slept over every night, and all were happy.  It was like the stars had aligned.  It wasn't the over the top life, it was normal life that we both were able to live and emotions were normal.  I actually didn't know that could happen!  Then he started to pull away, but not crazy, I could tell that he needed space.  Every once in a while, when my h is not at home, a random car (it switches each time) sits in front of our house for an undetermined amount of time and it looks like they are taking notes.  I noticed a car sitting in front of our house on Monday.  I took pictures and decided to turn the alarm on, but then decided to go on with our day, as I had plans with my d5.  A little later, I decided that I should probably tell my uBPDh why I have the alarm on since we never turn it on, if he comes over, etc.  Well, he freaks out on me, that I am being shady, that I haven't called the cops, that I am just letting him know, etc.  In the past he has come over to keep an eye on things and told me not to call the cops.  I told him that this has happened so many times and nothing ever comes of it, so I figured that turning on the alarm was an ok plan.  He continues to freak out on me through text to which I tell him I am "not doing this with him today" and then he stops.  I actually talked to a police officer later on who told me to call the non emergent line next time so they can follow up.  He comes over that night as he has to take the kids to school the next day.  He all of a sudden switches and is super nice to me!  The next night he comes over as well, which was totally unexpected.  He doesn't tell me when he is coming over, he just shows up at 9 pm!  I was picking my oldest up from practice when he got there so it scared the kids.  The next morning, getting ready, our 2 youngest were being silly and our youngest D said, "daddy, I think you are the fattest in the family".  He attends the gym religiously, is on every diet known and is very self aware, but often jokes about him being the "fattest in the family".  So this was not out of nowhere.  He then more seriously says, actually I think that mom is the fattest in the family now.  I was a little thrown off, I knew it was funny, but my response was if I had time to go to the gym, then I that would be different...we are a very active and health conscience family! His response was "you have all the time in the world, you don't do much"!  That just about threw me over the edge, but I just decided to continue on with my day.  I had a flat tire that I needed to get fixed, my H was upset as of course either all of my made up boyfriends did this or I did it so I could go out with said boyfriend.  I asked him if he could drop me off, to which he agreed.  The day went on, he was in his mood, but I was trying to just be normal.  Night comes.  I literally have not sat down all day.  Its 9 pm, I have to leave to pick my oldest up from practice and he walks in.  Feeling the tension, my  11 d says she is going upstairs.  My uBPDh then tells our s8 that tomorrow he is taking him to school, he is not allowed to take the bus.  Our son has struggled with going to school.  He has worked really hard and his favorite part of the day is going on the bus.  Its easier to bring him to the bus stop, but my uBPDh has to control everything and so he told him he is not going on the bus.  I decide not to respond to that and table it to address once he is in a better mood.  I pick my oldest up.  When I get back, my uBPDh starts in on me.  "Next week these kids are staying at my house, you and your kids are so shady.  I am so sick of you cheating on me.  You can say whatever you want, after the judge hears this the kids will be at my house, If you don't let them stay at my house, then I will file for divorce next week." I say to him that I am not doing this with him and that it will be up to the kids.  He freaks out that this is not the kids decision, its his decision.  I tell him that our s8 wants to ride the bus (reason why he wants to stay at home on school nights) and he says that he doesn't care what he wants, he is the dad and he can do what he wants.  I tell him that if its too much for him that night, he can leave and I will figure out getting the kids to school.  He tells me that he wants to be with his kids, so he is not leaving.  He then yells at the 3 kids that were downstairs to go upstairs away from him...as they were all afraid and clinging to me.  He then watched tv all night, I don't think slept at all...meanwhile all of the kids were afraid so all 3 slept with me...literally following me around everywhere, our d5 telling me how sorry she was that daddy said such mean things to me and me assuring her that if he put a hand on me that I would call 911, as she kept asking.  He also didn't do a single thing for the kids, help get them to sleep, get them medicine when one had growing pains, etc.  I know that this is just another go around, I think it is just so disappointing as we hadn't had a complete blow up like this in weeks.  I will keep doing what I am doing.  Part of me wants to check in with his DV therapist, as that is something that I am able to do, but I don't know if that is something I should do or not.  I am assuming that this would put a red flag up with his probation officer, and he has A LOT on the line right now.  Another part of me feels like I am trying to control what is not mine to control by doing so, and to just continue forward and not let this change me.  While it feels like the world is crashing in on me at this moment, in reality, it is just another melt down by my uBPDh, and I have been through so many of them before.  I will hold my head high, protect my kids and not let this derail me!