Well I feel these reflections are important.  While you might not have taken many strides towards your next phase, at least you're pointing in the right direction.  It's understandable you feel a little paralyzed, shell-shocked even.  You've faced a major rupture in your most important relationship, and your life, especially your emotional life, is in a state of upheaval.  Try not to beat yourself up for this.  It's completely understandable that you're hurt.

Like you wrote, you know you need to take care of yourself.  It's just that your heart needs to catch up with your head.  I'm glad to see that you're taking some baby steps--seeking out counseling, writing here, processing what happened, understanding that you can't change your ex if he doesn't take responsibility to work on himself first.  I'm pretty sure that with time, your heart will catch up with you.

I think if I were in your situation, I'd take a break.  I remember one time when I broke up with a boyfriend, and my brain thought, the relationship wasn't working, it's best to move on, and I was glad I hadn't invested too much time in the relationship (maybe six months).  I tried to live life like nothing had happened, thinking it was no big deal, just an ordinary breakup.  But at the same time, I think I was ignoring some hurt, some feelings of inferiority, while beating myself up for "allowing" myself to feel undervalued, for working harder on the relationship than he was, for wanting to believe that he could be the "one."  I remember continuing with my daily life, while my heart and head just weren't cooperating.  I think I needed some time to reflect, process, sit with the disappointment before moving on.  So I took a break . . . from non-essential commitments, from trying to date again, etc.  Basically I gave myself some time to get back to normal, and normal for me included looking after myself and treating myself with kindness.  Maybe I'm weird, but oftentimes I think I "deprive" myself of some nice things because I'm not "worth" it.  So I decided, maybe I need to treat myself as I want to be treated?  Like, join the slightly more expensive but more luxurious and convenient health club, instead of the grubbier one that's farther away.  Like, go to a coffee shop for a gourmet coffee experience from time to time, instead of making it at home as usual.  Like, buy the expensive cuts of meat at the grocery, instead of the family packs on discount.  Like, see a movie in the theater instead of waiting a year or two for it to come out on TV.  I guess I gave myself "permission" to take extra care of myself and enjoy life more.  With time and self care, I got back to my "normal" self.

All the best to you.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I saw several patterns in your story that were present in mine as well, but the biggest one was defending myself with "ironclad proof" that she was wrong.

When you argue with a BPD, it's like two completely different, unconnected conversations in two different languages.  Maybe you say, "Look at my GPS, I haven't been anywhere near the strip club all year!"  That's good proof, right?  It's actually horrible from a BPD's perspective. 

She's making the accusation because she wants you to give her more attention, to be more caring and understanding.  So she yells, she rants, she accuses.  What she never actually does is say, "I wish you'd spend more quality time with me," because a sentence like that would make her vulnerable.  She can't even perceive doing that, so she does the other stuff instead and expects you to read between the lines.

When you argue, justify, or defend, to her mind you're calling her stupid, a liar, a nut-case.  That's what her disordered mind is telling her, so of course she doubles down with explosive emotions.  Arguing or defending is never the play because of how their mind works. 

I've had my BPD ex attack me for happily washing dishes...after she said that she'd wash dishes for three days...because she took my happiness while washing dishes as mocking her for being a lousy wife.  Well, she was a lousy wife that never cleaned up after herself, but I wasn't insuinating that at all...I just needed some clean plates for dinner.  To her disordered mind though, it was like spitting in her face and calling her trash.

I used that extreme example to show that there was nothing I could have said or did to "defend" or "justify" my actions; she was simply disordered, felt ashamed, and decided that the only course of action was to attack me for her own failures.

I was in the same position about 4 years ago- my wife of 23 years suddenly said that it was over.  I quickly figured out that there was someone else and there was zero chance to reconcile.  It gutted me and there were some very dark days ahead.  But eventually, little by little, I found myself once again and my eyes opened to what I thought was a happy marriage.  It wasn't, not even a little bit, and I settled for far too much for far too long.

Our kids were early 20's, so we had to remain in contact.  I refused to burn bridges and no matter how ugly she got, I showed patience and compassion while explaining that being parents is a lifelong comittment.  I kept that in perspective the entire time and separated my feelings for what would be best for our kids.  Again, it was brutal, it tore my heart out for months and months, but if I had to do it all over again, I would do it exactly the same way.

Today, my ex is married to the guy she left me for.  I'm remarried as well and amazed at the differences in my life then and now.  Back then I was a shell of myself jsut barely getting by- that was before the cheating and the betrayal.  Now I'm thriving with an amazing woman would would do anything for me, and I'd do anything for her.  Life is simple and I'm incredibly happy.

I shared my full story to say that where you're at now feels like the end of the world.  It's not.  Life is going to stink for awhile and it's going to be so difficult to let go of those feelings and emotions, but you're going to come out on the other side of this a completely new person. 

I literally feel 10 years younger today than I did 5 years ago when all of this started.  But I also went through hell to get here.  So keep the finish line in perspective, this will pass in time and you simply have to get busy with life to get through it.  Pick up old hobbies, hang out with old friends, or make some new friends and hobbies.  Just stay busy and work your way though this!

I have you all beat 29 years I to now just separated. He is high functioning he was on meds for his back wich also was for anxiety. Went off and went into a manic episode. We have a house dogs cats and we are separated it to do far amicably
But we are at the start I am
65 and going for divorce    Do I relate oh yes . 29 years and he don’t care .

I’ve been married 29 years my husband is undiagnosed also
I had to learn tools skills ways to communicate he refuses to see he has a problem . It is always me this last week he was all over Facebook calling me  my family anybody names he was in a bad episode he was on meds then went off. 29 years?? I’m like wtf
No way can I even think of going back. I had kids so I use to stay for kids
Now just me. Snd I am 65 and divorcing I haven’t shedded one tear
I was told they seem to get worse with age he went manic and looking back his symptoms were there this pill he needed something eles this is for his back pain . He doesn’t have a problem
Snd actually he blames the nurse for taking him off I’m like I told you to check make sure . He never did it wasn’t his problem

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. I have been seeing two different therapists actually. One for EMDR. The other is mostly talk therapy. I also do go to NAMI support groups for people who have loved ones with BPD. All of these things have been incredibly instrumental. I would not be upright if not for these resources. I have always strongly believed in therapy for everyone. Trauma or not. It is always helpful to talk to a professional. I think I am just feeling stuck and hopeless. Because I am taking all the right steps. I am trying to go out. I am trying to rediscover myself and be patient and kind. I am trying to get back into my hobbies that fell by the wayside while I made him my full time job outside of work. Yes, my friends do not understand. Not only the depth but all of it. This forum has been so helpful. So has Quora and reddit. Although you do have to take a lot of that with  a grain of salt. So have books specifically about BPD. So... I am going through the motions, I am doing my best. I realize that no contact is important and at the end of the day the only thing that will really work is time. And maybe medication.

Also, yes, CC43, you are correct. Pretty much every single thing you mentioned is something he did. Including making me feel like a horrible person for having any kind of past. Calling me unforgivable names because I have been with other men. Hating my tattoos because I got them with other people. Making me feel like my skin is something I should be ashamed of. It got so so much worse at the end. He is convinced that the only way he will be able to seek help or improve is if I live with him. And not in a realistic way. He doesn't understand needing to find a place or save money or pack things or juggle all the other commitments in life. He wants me to just go be at his house all the time. Doesn't care about logistics or my safety or my needs. He has literally said that I have to be there to hold him accountable. That nothing is his fault or in his control. That I have to be his savior. And I know that's not fair or ok on any level. The problem is that being the way I am, I DO feel responsible. I DO feel guilty. I know that doing something that drastic would be incredibly dangerous for me but I still feel this need to help him. I am so twisted up inside. He blames me for all the bad, all the pain. Blames me for making him want to die. Meanwhile he's talking to these other women in his life and using them as an emotional and sometimes physical crutch the same way and I keep falling for it. It doesn't feel like it matters if it's me or if it's just anyone.

I am smart. I KNOW this isn't good or healthy. I KNOW I deserve better. I KNOW I am not to blame for his ailments or his inability to choose something good for himself. But I feel the opposite. I am still in love with him. I feel like I am broken.

In the final year of my marriage, my then-spouse did both, promising concessions that didn't happen and egging me into responding similarly.

I agree that escalation is a common tactic.  If yelling worked to get you to do something she wanted in the past, now she'll scream like a banshee.  If accusations of infidelity worked before, she might amp it up and accuse you of sleeping with men, or maybe committing incest or rape.  If historically she got her way by slamming doors and storming off, she might take it up a notch and spend the night away without telling you where she's going, throw things around, break things or threaten violence.  I think that sort of over-the-top behavior is a sign that she's teetering on the edge, becoming more and more delusional and maybe headed for a breakdown.  With the pwBPD in my life, seeming completely unhinged is a clear warning sign.  I think you know it when you see it.

But sometimes I think there's a fair amount of manipulation with these tactics.  Oftentimes, to me it feels like she "indulges" in her negative thinking and outbursts, mainly to try to get YOU to break.  She either wants you to grant her a concession, or she wants you to retaliate, so that she has a real reason to feel victimized, to blame YOU for messing everything up.  So you have to be on the lookout here, not to let her outbursts convince you to do something you might regret--say something mean, admit to something you didn't do, agree to be punished, agree to be isolated from others, or worse, stoop to her level and fight back the way she's fighting.  She doesn't fight fairly, and you need to avoid "dignifying" her behavior with a like response, tempting though that may be.  That's why I usually recommend to exit the situation when she's riled up.

Maybe I've been too harsh with these examples, but I can give you another one.  Let's say your wife forbids you to go to coffee houses because she's convinced you're attracted to baristas, given your history.  You might agree to this, thinking it's a small sacrifice to console your wife; besides, you can make coffee at home.  But in my experience, the pwBPD won't stop there.  If you give an inch, she'll take a mile, and before long she might escalate and try to prevent you from going to the gym, frequenting restaurants or hanging out with friends.  After that, she'll try to prevent you from visiting with family, even talking with them on the phone.  By isolating you, she's controlling you, while demanding that you focus 100% of your attention on her, which isn't healthy for either of you.  There are some posters on this site who say their jealous spouse tries to prevent them from going to work to earn a living, and these posters are so distraught that they actually contemplate quitting and financial ruin, to assuage their spouse's fears.  But none of that is healthy--not financially, not socially, not for your own sanity.  You should not be subject to house arrest, constant surveillance or living under a presumption of guilt.  You are not a slave, and you don't deserve to be treated like one.

My advice?  You model for your spouse what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That starts with taking exquisite care of yourself--eating right, sleeping regularly, getting exercise, being financially responsible.  You do your job, pursue your hobbies and stay close with your longtime friends and family.  You get therapy if you need it.  If she has a fit over you hanging out friends from time to time, you let her have a fit.  I say something like, "I'm grabbing coffee with my dear friend in town and will be back at 10:30 am."  I'm not justifying it or defending myself, because it's NORMAL to catch up with a friend over coffee from time to time, because that's what healthy adults do!  And if she doesn't have a fit when you do something healthy, you say something like, "Thank you for supporting me when I visited with my friend.  It's so nice to be married to someone who is supportive (of a healthy lifestyle)."  Similarly, whenever she does something fun or healthy, you might say, "I'm so glad you enjoyed your afternoon / I'm so glad you had a good workout / I'm glad you called your parent/sibling to check in."  In other words, you're showing that you support one another in creating a healthy, happy, socially connected life.  I've found that the more I say, "I'm so glad you practiced your hobby / worked out at the gym / saw your friend," it's like I'm reinforcing the value of a healthy life, and that I expect the very same for me.

I've found that knowing it's not our fault helps some, but not entirely.  There's still the loss of relationship both real and imagined, the sadness for the other person. And still we go on.  I heard somebody say once about grief that it doesn't get better so much as that the good periods between the bouts of grief get longer. 

Since you are a counselor- you probably know a lot about BPD. We aren't professionals here but can share our experiences.

For pwBPD, feelings can feel like facts. You aren't cheating but if your wife feels it she thinks it's true and then accuses you. For much of this, you seem to be defending yourself against a false accusation. While to you, self defense is the "hill"- this behavior- defending what you didn't do- is also something you are doing repetitively. As you see, it doesn't change her thinking or feeling- because we can not change another person's feelings.

The concept of not JADE-ing- don't defend the invalid may help. If it isn't true, then defending yourself isn't necessary. This isn't the court of law where you need to prove your innocence. You know you didn't do it and your wife saying it doesn't make it true. Now, if she were to go to court with false accusation- there you would need to prove innocence but this is her words at the moment.

One mental exercise that helped me to decrease JADE is to substitute something absurd for the accusation. If your wife told you that you were a pink elephant, would you try to prove you are not? You know you aren't one. Her saying it doesn't make it true.

This is about boundaries. Talking to a client, going to coffee, having a male friend to hang out with sometimes. None of these are cheating. Having a crush on someone 20 years ago before you met your wife isn't cheating. In fact, going for coffee could be a sanity activity if you need some time to yourself to think when there's tension at home.

You can validate the feeling but not the fact. If your wife is upset you can say, "I see you are feeling upset about when I went for coffee yesterday", and yet don't defend what is invalid- follow with "it's just coffee, and something I like to do" and be done with it.

Be prepared for an extinction burst. These false accusations cause you to shift your focus on to her and managing her own feelings. She may escalate to get this back.

This is a small change in your behavior- and may not address all the issues you are dealing with but the less you defend what you didn't do- perhaps it can help.