I understand - one can only deal with so much at one time. Just putting the info out there. It was a really difficult situation when BPD mother was in control of my father's health care management and later his assets so I hope the info helps others avoid it- when you are ready.

I have also been there done that several times. I would encourage you to look at this long range. Are you ready and willing to go to battle with your wife whenever there's a demand on you that isn't reasonable? Because this is not a one time situation (at least not in my experience).

Dad eventually gave up any conflict and just went to the side of appeasement. The only acceptable relationship with my mother was complete compliance. Standing up to her was so emotionally draining, and usually she'd win because she didn't err to the side of decency. But this also had an effect on my father's emotional state as well. BPD mother was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My only "defense" was to keep an emotional and physical distance from her once I was old enough to leave home, but I still wanted a relationship with my parents and visited. During a visit, being a literal doormat over the short time was the least difficult option. Eventually, I had to have some boundaries with her and by doing so, it impacted my father's relationship with me, as BPD mother controlled any relationship she felt didn't align with her.

This is why I see these situations not as a single incident but for the long run. If you want to maintain the peace with your wife, then seeing your sister is going to be difficult. We don't make these choices for you. There are posters who choose to maintain the marriage at any cost. Others who choose to try boundaries. However how well this works out varies, just like BPD is on a spectrum. Others who choose the path of dissolving the marriage. Neither one of these choices is without its challenges.

I wish we could say this is a surprise but sadly we've seen this scenario many times before.  Whether she will file for divorce right now is unknown.  But thus far it seems she has doubled down on her own line in the sand.  As mentioned above, this is a major extinction burst to coerce you into retreating from your new boundary intentions.  It won't be easy, no matter whether you retreat or stand your ground, so to speak.

"If it has been threatened, or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."

If you haven't consulted several attorneys and chosen one to represent you, if you haven't read William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder handbook, if you haven't prepared yourself for a potential police-involved incident this weekend, if you're not prepared to record yourself going forward so you can prove you weren't aggressive or abusive... then buckle your seat belt, it is likely to get worse.  Not saying it will, but the risks are high right now.

... Been there, experienced that.

inflict more harm

You have learned the lesson that has taken many of us who have relationships with a relative with BPD many years to learn. We want so hard to treat the disordered people in our lives like we would want to be treated, yet doing so leads to more abuse of us and our children we want to protect. The first boundary we often need to protect ourselves and our children is to limit the information we provide to disordered people as it is only used to inflect more harm. How did the dinner go with your family?

I don't know. I was trying to be decent, I guess? And was stupid instead. But yeah, you are completely right.

She went to the daycare early and got our son before I could. She also told the staff we are getting a divorce, that she will be picking our son up at this earlier time from now on, and some crap about "my sister being ok with me cheating on her". (All this with our children in the stroller within earshot.)

I'm the mother of a 25 yr old trans son who has a number of diagnoses...ADHD/depression/anxiety/ASD as well as very probably BPD and a very active eating disorder. We live in a major city in Canada.

He lives at home with us. We are a longtime blended family with myself, my husband, my other son (23) and stepdaughter (21).

My husband and I are currently doing the Family Connections program, about halfway through. I'm learning a lot, my husband even more so. Even with that though, I am exhausted and burnt out, and have been for a long time. Right now my son with the issues is extremely hard to live with on all sorts of levels. I spend way too much time trying to get him help, doing paperwork to do with his disabilities etc. Right now I am working on getting him case management because I can't do this long term, I swear it is slowly killing me. And even though I do so much for him it feels like he can't stand me. I'm just especially sad and tired today. Learning a lot about how important validation is but I can't really validate him when he's not talking to me .

Anyhow I am glad to be here and looking forward to hopefully get support from people who get it.

I am still confused as to why you would tell your wife ahead of time before you have picked your son up from day care. If you do tell her before you have picked your son up, it is likely she would go get him first or do something else to keep him for gong with you, in addition to the terrible meltdown that would happen regardless whenever you decide to tell her. There is something called an extinction burst in which the first time you set a boundary, the disordered person will do everything to violate that boundary until at some point, there is sometimes less pushback on the boundary though still pushback of some kind if the person is extremely disordered. As a father, you have all the legal rights now (as long as there are no custody proceedings going on) to take your children to see your family and she cannot stop you if you carefully plan ahead. The first time you set a strong boundary with her, it is going to be hell on wheels, yet one strong boundary can lead to other strong boundaries and some kind of eventual resolution, though not likely a completely satisfactory resolution with a wife with strong BPD traits.

My marriage was manageable in the early years though it was gradually getting worse.  Then I had the not-so-brilliant idea she would be happier with a child while watching our child discover the joys of life.  I had no clue that it would trigger her childhood fears.  It was as though my becoming a father triggered her memories of her abusive stepfather who had joined her family when she was three years old.  When did my marriage implode?  When our child was still 3 years old.  Her respect and consideration for me dropped to zero.

I took the opportunity to separate when I called the police.  It was a confusing time but the incident resulted in her arrest for Threat of DV.  After a few months it was dismissed and even so the court gave her default preference as mother.  It took years to get a workable court order in place.

But I mention the difference...  Her respect for my parental authority had vanished.  But once separated - and with all the difficulties encountered - I discovered family court was The Authority, the arbiter restoring some of my parenting rights.  Yes, court set firm boundaries that I had structured parenting time with my child.  My parenting time over which she had no control over whom I visited.  At first it was limited to alternate weekends and an evening in between, but it was MY parenting time.

I've mentioned this before.  There is a pattern here we've seen before.  As much as you don't want to see an end to your marriage, your spouse is on a path where something has to give - the dysfunctional marriage - if you are to have reasonable parenting of your children.

thanks for all of the support guys, she is moving back in with me next week. she is showing a lot of good supportive thing to me. lets hope we can make it work this time