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Hi there,
Why does she do this? I think it comes down to a few things: unrealistic expectations, emotional overload and a victim mindset.
First, the unrealistic expectations. I think that pwBPD often have unrealistic expectations that tend to be "childish," for lack of a better term. They want to be the center of attention at all times. They want to be catered to and cared for. They may expect other adults to over-function for them, financially, administratively and/or logistically. They want instant gratification. They lack patience and perspective. They can't take temporary setbacks or disappointments in stride. They feel entitled. They have intense needs that just aren't being met. How does this manifest? Well, it depends, but in a relationship, she might expect to be wined and dined. She might expect you to text her all the time, even if you're busy with work or trying to get some needed sleep. She might get upset if you dare to look at other people or spend time with any of your friends. She might spend money unwisely and refuse to stick to a budget. In short, she's extremely demanding, and despite your greatest efforts, she's never satisfied. The relationship starts to feel very one-sided, as in all take, no give.
Next, the emotional overload. She's overwhelmed by life, even when she's not doing much at all. She feels tired all the time. She gets upset over every little thing--how you look at her, how you don't look at her, how you breathe, how you sit, what you eat, etc. She has a fight-or-flight reaction to ordinary things. She can be petulant and passive-aggressively mean, giving you the silent treatment for hours or days. Here we use the term "walking on eggshells" to describe your attempts to avoid upsetting her, because she gets over-the-top upset over every little thing. Her emotions typically seem disproportionate to the situation, like road rage which permeates all aspects of life. This is because pwBPD have difficulty controlling their emotions. It's like they are wired to be extra sensitive, and their outbursts are more frequent, intense and longer-lasting than what would be considered normal. It takes her a very long time to get back to baseline, too. In fact, she's so overwhelmed emotionally that she barely knows who she is. Her internal life is a rollercoaster, and she's so unsettled that she has trouble knowing who she is and where she's going, let alone what she really wants out of life, let alone how to make it happen. My theory is that the more unsettled she feels, the farther backwards she looks in life. She'll dredge up negative incidents from years ago, or she might talk incessantly about her bad childhood. I think that's how she avoids dealing with the present and future, because it's just too scary and emotionally unsettling.
And finally, the victim mindset. In my opinion, this is the worst part of BPD. She feels like she's the victim of endless traumas. Here's a clue: she thinks her childhood was horrible, her parents are awful, her exes abused her, her friends abandoned her, and her coworkers are bullies. She's estranged from most or all of her family, but she'll break the estrangement temporarily when she needs money or some other form of assistance. She is constantly blaming other people for traumatizing her, for wrecking her life. Sometimes the fact patterns of her traumatic stories don't line up, or she'll be intentionally vague about her past to keep you guessing. Why does she do this? Because she believes other people are making her miserable, and she's always a victim. This allows her to avoid taking any responsibility for her own life and her own decisions. Worse, she thinks it's OK to treat other people badly, because she thinks they "deserve" to be "punished" for all the perceived wrongs and slights against her. She thinks that by hurting others, they will finally understand the pain she's feeling. But underneath all this is a belief that she's blameless and powerless over her own life. She won't take any accountability for her actions, let alone take responsibility for the pain she's caused other people. The victim mindset is a form of learned helplessness, and it can keep her stuck in a very negative funk.
Does that sound about right? If so, it's probably because it's classic BPD in my opinion.
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