Thank you so much Pook. This was super helpful.
My gf has also brought up caretaking a child as being similar. To a large extent, I understand what this means. But it's helpful to hear what you said, which if I'm interpreting correctly means to truly refrain from taking things personally and being upset in order to actually be a calm source and foundation of support. Most of the time when I think, "think of them like a child who can't help themselves", it's more about excusing their behavior but still being upset by it and trying to bury that feeling, rather than actually overcoming it. Thank you.
As you become a parent, you'll learn that while you absolutely despise some of the things your kid might do, you still love them regardless. All kids mess up and do incredible dumb or dangerous things at times. It will drive you insane and you'll have those moments of yelling, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?" And in the moment, the child might be terrified thinking, "Dad hates me!" That's where you will need to find the balance of rules, dicipline, and still showing love.
This is true for your girlfriend as well and why the analogy works.
Should you baby her? No. Should you just "let it slide" whenever she insults you? No. Go back to that crying baby though. You can't look at a crying baby and say "stop crying!" That never works. First, you calm down the baby and just focus on the baby's temprament.
The same is true in your case. You help her calm down. Later when she's calm is where the lesson comes in at- you really hurt me and that's not okay.
One issue I still end up dealing with is that not being sufficient even when I can. I'm often asked to "fix the situation now", especially when I'm far away at work and hardly have time to even look at my phone. I'm often told that I'm "not trying to mend the problem" and "not taking care" of her. I would love for their to be specific things I can do to help other than assure them that I care and love them and hear and understand what they are feeling, but this has shown to be "not good enough".
Here's the thing though: when your girlfriend is disordered, "fixing the situation" is not about the words coming out of her mouth. She will insist that it is, of course, because she's mentally ill. But the true fix is what we've already talked about. She needs to calm down and stop reacting to everything emotionally. It's like mixing fire + gasoline when you try to "problem solve" in the heat of the moment. Whatever you say or do will be wrong because it's not about the actual stuff, it's about her spiraling emotions getting out of control.
What your girlfriend wants is an ally, someone to say, "I get why this is so hard right now and I'm on your side. We'll fix this together. Calm down, it's okay. I've got you."
Now, when you're at work and she's spam-texting, obviously there's many problems there that you can't "fix". But the more you work on what we've already talked about, the less you're going to get these explosive situations because she's going to be more stable and more trusting.
All of this is ultimately a trust issue from her mental health thinking that you don't love her, you are going to leave her, etc. That's "the problem" in 99% of her outbursts, even though she'd never say that.
One the second point: this seems really hard to do. When I try to say I need time to cool down before I say something I regret, she continues to insult me. In times where I've walked away, she's accused me of not caring. I really don't know what to do. I feel like it's my responsibility to fix her being upset with me and her anger towards me, but that nothing I do works, and asking for what would be helpful is met with indignation that I'd even ask.
Is it your responsibility? Eh, yes and no. A good partner would do whatever they could to help them calm down, but there has to be a point where you put your own stability above hers. I'm not saying to walk away every time she yells, because that only makes the problem larger (those thoughts of "he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me").
You should absolutely try to love her and support her through each crisis. But if you feel like she's gone too far and you need to respond with being ugly, it's better to walk away. Will she insult you in those times? At first, yes...because she's unstable and lashing out. But she was insulting you anyway.
So calm her down if possible, walk away if it's not possible. But at the same time, you can still be affirming in those moments by saying something like, "I love you and I don't want to argue. I need a few minutes to calm down." Notice that's all about you; it's not about accusing her at all.
If you say, "I love you but you're acting crazy and I can't deal with this," you're going to get explosive fury. And if you stick around in these situations long enough, you're going to eventually say the worst possible thing because that's what she is doing. So a strategic retreat while you're still calm is what's best for everyone, even if she protests.
Later, when she's calm, you can affirm that you're there for her and want to help, but the abusive stuff is too much for you at times. That's not to "put her down" or "put her in her place", it's to talk about your emotional needs and how she makes you feel.
Now, this is ridiculously hard to do right and it's a process over time- not a one-time event and everything is fixed. You'll have to learn healthy boundaries, leading with compassion when you're getting hate, and so many other skills. It is super difficult and it's why most of these relationships fail. The odds are against you because this is a selfless way to love. But if you truly love her and can't live without her, then it's the only path that works long-term.
I wish you luck, my friend, and please keep asking the tough questions. We may not have the answer every time, but we can certainly talk it out anyway.
