Remember the hammer analogy I gave you?  When you hit your finger with the hammer, all you can think about is pain.

As you learn to validate and calm situations, your partner will not be in that "I hit my finger with the hammer" mentality all the time.  One a scale of 1 to 10, maybe she ramps up to a 9 in intensity now.  But as you learn to validate, it builds trust and she learns to regulate her emotions much better.

For instance, when my ex walked away, she'd get to a 10 in intensity every time we talked.  Anything I said that she didn't agree with, it was explosive fury almost instantly.  But over time, as I learned to communicate a different way, our conversations haven't passed a 2 in intensity in years.  Same person, same topics...but the trust was rebuilt and I learned to validate.

Of course, I said "my ex" because we divorced.  We could have made it work though if she was willing, because we were past the worst of it and we both genuinely healed.  Our conversations today and friendly and productive.  We laugh, we make fun of our kids.  It's a good relationship and she's still 100% mentally ill and untreated.

I shared that to say that you have options here.  Walking away is certainly an option and nobody would blame you.  It's real work keeping these types of relationships healthy and it's rarely fair for the non-BPD.  But it can be turned around and it can be a healthy relationship if you choose that path.

It's good that you got angry.  It's good that you're having second thoughts.  That means you're actually processing this and seeing both sides of the coin.  Nobody here should tell you to stay or go, that's all on you.  But I'm glad that you're starting to heal and see things a little more objectively.

Checking in.

Last weekend was incredibly restful. No contact led way to attempts at contact this week and predictable patterns of push/pull and gushes of emotional dysregulation. I've been angry. More angry than before. I got angry with Fruzetti's book High Conflict Couples when it attempted to tell me how to validate my partner; worked myself to the realization that I struggle with validating her feelings  while keeping my own self-respect knowing how false the points are. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the Transactional Model and have been taking steps back during the occasional text spirals to assess what I'm seeing.

I do think that I contributed to her instability by way of not understanding validation... but I'm one half a situation. Resentment after resentment and insult after insult is hurled at me and I take deep breaths and respond with validating replies until she stops.

I can feel a crossroad. I don't know if I can be with this person, knowing how there will never be a recovery within this experience that gives way for my own sadness, my own chronic invalidations, and my valid and personal experience of our marriage. I just... don't see it happening. The only way forward seems to be a world where I go 100% forward as the problem and... enter the same cycle?

Anger/hopelessness. Still sleeping at my office. Mad that the home I just bought is without me. I'm without my dogs and cats and kids and things... so that she can have space? I'm giving her  that space. And I'm seeing the cycle in the text messages. The same cycle.

I'm ________ing exhausted. Separation will not end, yet.

Pook- I think one reason this irks you is that you are thinking about this logically, fairly, and because it is hurtful to your child. For your ex with BPD- her reasons may not make sense- because they are emotional.

For my BPD mother, objects to her were a form of control. What gave her "power" was if she had something we wanted, or valued. Even if she didn't want something herself,  if she knew we wanted it, then she'd keep it.

Even if something belonged to us. Sometimes, if she was angry and dissociated- she'd destroy things we cared about. Or she could threaten us that she'd do it.

In her elder years, she'd say she wanted to "downsize" but couldn't because of all the things in her house. Yet, if we offered to take any of them, she wouldn't let us do that. Even our own things. I had some items from college in her house and when I tried to take them, she ran after me telling me I can't have anything in her house, so I put them back.

She would ask us what we wanted, and if we said we wanted something, then she'd change her mind and decide to keep it.

We wondered if this was due to a fear of abandonment- that maybe if we took all the things we wanted, we wouldn't visit her. That wasn't true, so we tried saying "we are here for you, not your possessions" and refuse to take anything. We thought that would reassure her, but that seemed to bother her more, so sometimes I went along with her "do you want this" and just said "yes" whether I wanted it or not, just to give her the "yes" she wanted, but she didn't give me the items I said "yes" to.

I realized the only way I could emotionally "untangle" myself from this dynamic was to not have any interest in anything she owned. That wasn't true, I didn't want items for their material value but some were sentimental. Still, I knew to not react emotionally if she brought them up.

She did this "do you want this" and change her mind to one of my kids, and I could see my kid's tears welling up. So I get why you feel this way for your own kid. She didn't want the item, your wife doesn't need the truck. It would be a kind thing to do to just let your child buy it for the cost she offered.

But here's the result, this impacted her relationship with this grandchild who by then was a young adult. Your D will experience this with her own mother. As much as we want to protect our own kids from hurtful behavior, once they are adults, they can assess their relationships for themselves. While we do expect our kids to act with decency/respectfully to a mother/grandmother - that doesn't mean they have to want to be close to them.

Yes, I was upset to see my mother refuse to give something to my kid- after offering it, however, this was between the two of them. I didn't need to intervene between them. I don't think you do either.

If it were my situation, for me, that truck is long gone. The only control I have would be my own feelings of attachment to it. I also would feel for my child in this situation but if your ex is going to treat your D like this, this is on her and your D will respond according to her own boundaries.

If you want to and are able to help your D get a truck, then help her to get another one, within budget, and if not with money- you can also offer to go with her to look at trucks and help her choose one she likes and can afford. I know each family manages this differently, but for young people, a first time car/truck purchase can be intimidating and they may appreciate a parent going with them to help them decide on one.

Hi again,

I get that the costs of living seem only to increase.  I've volunteered in a financial education capacity and seen how much people struggle these days.

I guess my tip for your daughter and SIL would be to start by tracking expenses.  Knowledge is power.  Maybe they already know where all their money is being spent, but it can help to track anyway, if only by making spending more intentional.

I have another, perhaps unconventional tip, which would be to try eliminating screen entertainment at home, completely.  In my 20s and early 30s, that meant not buying a TV, let alone cable service.  I didn't pay for any cable TV until my 40s, and I found it liberating.  It wasn't so much the monetary savings, to the tune of $150 a month or thereabouts, but the time savings.  I probably got 20 hours or more per week back.  Those hours I "reinvested" in myself:  working more hours for extra pay and bonuses, learning, socializing, exercising, getting good sleep.  Ultimately, I think that time is money, and without the temptation of entertaining screens at home, less time is wasted.  You might think, it's not possible to do that today.  I'd say, it is.  My Gen X sister had no screens (internet or TV) in her home for years, until recently, when she started a new hybrid job.  Her kids grew up with no screens (except for a brief hiatus during Covid when "learning" remotely at home).  That opened up all sorts of possibilities for creative play, music, reading, etc.  The kids did their internet-based homework at the school or public library.

And my last tip is the conventional one:  Make your own food, coffee, snacks, etc.  Pack up lunches to take to work.  It's much, much cheaper and healthier, too.  It takes a little effort and planning, yes, but I'd say it takes less time that it would take to order takeout and pick it up.  Don't get me started on DoorDash.

With home prices, interest rates, and just general inflation, people 30 or younger have a decent chance of never owning their own home.  Rent prices are absolutely insane these days too because nobody can afford to buy.  They both work and do the lawn care on the side just to basically break even each month. 

I absolutely hate that for them, but I do admire that they're doing it anyway and raising two kids.

Honestly, I didn't think to ask.  They probably don't have collission since it's just an old Toyota full-sized work truck.  But I'd guess my ex has been paying it.

That could actually sweeten the deal, it saves her money and I deal with all the problems.  But I'm okay with that.

Divorces have structured processes for division of retirement accounts.  With a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO) the ownership of account portfolios is split before the contents are sold.  That way, once the ownership has transferred to the other's account, the liability is transferred with the ownership.  I am unsure whether this concept applies to other types of investment accounts.

I had already graduated high school (over 5 decades ago) and I had a crush on a local girl but it took me a while to recognize she she wasn't interested in me.  Many years later I heard she had married and moved away but she had mental health issues of some sort.  It could have been me but by happenstance.

Then when I did get married I thought I'd met a perfectly normal woman.  Yet a week before the wedding I realized something was abnormal about her family and I came to believe I'd saved her.  Until over the years it became obvious they'd really twisted her up into mental knots.  What tipped her over the edge was when I transitioned from husband to husband and father.  Her stepfather had messed her up that much.

Sometimes you can't predict how your choices will turn out.  Everyone is imperfect.  How is it our own issues left us relatively sane while our ex-whomevers' issues turned out to be indicators of eventual mental health disasters?

It's laudable that your kid is working overtime to make ends meet.  That's why I'm optimistic that she'll figure something out.  Yet my firm opinion is that her mom is not a good or fair business partner.  I'd say, give the truck back to her mom and find another solution.

I think this sort of thing can happen between exes, even in the absence of a personality disorder.  I have a relative close to me who is trying to finalize a divorce.  One of the sticking points is ownership of the dog.  The proposal is to share the dog.  I've advised my relative not to share the dog, because he shouldn't want to have repeated interactions, let alone negotiations, with his ex.  You see, his ex has quite an "entitled" view of the world.  Simply put, she wants 50% of the assets, but 0% of the liabilities, as she refuses to take them into account.  A simple explanation is she wants her cake and to eat it too.  She wants the stock portfolio (which she didn't contribute a penny to or purchase any investments herself . . .), but she can't withstand seeing the value fluctuate on a daily basis.  So she wants to cash out, but not pay any capital gains taxes.  She thinks her ex should sell the portfolio, give her 100% of the proceeds in cash, and have him foot the tax bill.  Not fair, right?  But that's how she thinks.  In her mind, she wants none of the liabilities, and feigns ignorance and financial ineptitude to get her way.  The same sort of thing would happen with sharing a dog:  she wants to play with it, but not have to pay for a kennel or dog sitting when she travels, and not have to pay for the vet or pet insurance.  She wants all the benefits but none of the obligations.  I think it's how your wife thinks:  she wants ownership car but expects others to pay to fix it.  I think that will never, ever change.

Anyway, I advised my brother to offer his ex full ownership of the dog.  Chances are she won't want it because she doesn't want the obligations.  And then he might be able to keep it.  If she decides to take the dog just to "spite" him, well then he can get another one.  Like you've said before, it's not worth arguing over, now or in the future, let alone the legal fees.  It's a dog, not a kid.  Sharing a dog would be like buying future arguments:  What if somebody wants to move?  What if one person wants to get the dog spayed?  What if the repeated pet handovers get complicated?  Too much could go wrong in my opinion.

Who has been paying the insurance on the truck - ex or your daughter?  Is the insurance still in place?

While I agree that it is best to avoid entanglements with an ex, you did say the divorce was somewhat amicable, not typical for most of us.  My thought is that you could try a one-time offer to assume ownership on a strictly "sign it over" basis.  Your leverage is that it's stuck on D's property and your ex might let you "fix it up".  What would happen after that would remain unsaid.

And this just might end one of your remaining peeves with your ex.  Who knows?