I have only been married for less than two years, and the trouble started from the very beginning. I overlooked all the red flags because I truly love this man and believed that he truly loved me.
When I finally spoke to a therapist and described everything I’d been living through, he told me that my husband shows strong signs of Cluster B personality disorders — including Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality traits, Antisocial tendencies, and Histrionic traits. He also told me something that shattered me: that a person like this is incapable of feeling or giving real love.
Hello and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry you're going through this and we're all heartbroken for you...because we know exactly what it feels like. We've all been there with a puzzled look on our faces.
I believe your therapist is wrong- BPDs love deeply. But they're also so afraid of rejection or abandonment, they're quick to seek new relationships instead of actually digging down and working through things. Your story could be my story, even though I was married for 23 years. The same patterns emerged. Over time, I have realized that my BPD ex wife loved me, but at the same time she was incapable of being the constant in my life.
Please continue to ask hard questions and we will give you hard answers. There's no template for healing after a relationship like this; everyone is different and it could take months, years, or decades before you're truly "over it". I'm going to give you the long-term answers up front though, the stuff it would take you years to realize on your own.
Are you ready?
1) This is not your fault. You husband is mentally ill and that's where all his dysfunction comes from. No matter who he married, or what they did together, they'd probably end up exactly where you are right now. So hear me here, this is not about you...it's about mental illness and a person doing anything they possibly can to feel normal.
2) This is not completely your husband's fault either. His brain is wired differently and he's constantly seeking praise to feel like he fits in. But he doesn't fit in, he's mentally ill and people can't relate to him, so he's always seeking the next thing to fill the voids. And that creates a destructive pattern that shows up over and over again as he burns bridges and believes the other person is always at fault.
3) If we combine #'s 1 and 2, this is not your fault and it's not his either. He needs therapy, medications, and a complete lifestyle change, but he'd have to admit his problems first and actively work to change. That's literally the hardest thing in the world for him to do, so he suffers in silence (or sometimes rage, as you said). He's sick and that deserves compassion.
Now, you're not ready for any of those yet; they'll come in different seasons of your life as you lean to cope and move on from this. But please read them once more and try to prove me right or wrong over time.
I wish you luck and again, I'm so sorry. Please feel free to ask questions, vent, or whatever you need.