I mention the baby self soothing and toddler tantrum because they apply to your GF as well. The task of parenting requires both meeting the child's emotional needs and allowing them to gain developmental tasks. A toddler tantrum is similar to when a pwBPD disregulates, and what they say or think about you in the moment does not define whether or not you are a good BF or good parent.

Of course we all turn to our partners for emotional support and that's part of it but being available 24/7 to soothe another adult isn't realistic. Having reasonable boundaries doesn't make you a bad BF.

Whatever you decide- make this decision according to you and your specific feelings and situation.

I think an important consideration is your own mental health. In some situations, NC is necessary to preserve that.

In my situation, some boundaries were necessary but I didn't go fully NC with my BPD mother.

After my father passed away, BPD mother was angry at me and she's the one that seemed to discard the relationship. She had what she needed- Dad left her money and assets, she had extended family nearby, and she didn't seem to care about continuing a relationship with me. I continued low contact with her- for my own reasons. One was her age- she was in her elder years and I didn't feel OK with NC. Another was to be of support to my sibling, in the event that sibling would need to help.

I also had no expectations of her. Any relationship was based solely on my own reasons. This is important because, we can't know how the relationship will go but we do know our own reasons. I still cared about her well being and wanted to know that she was being cared for, even if I was not her primary hands on caregiver. Her feelings could change,  but I know mine and so that was my reason. I also -due to experiences with her- didn't have a lot of hope in her changing how she related to me, but I think I had a little, and wanted to leave that possibility open.

When my father passed, BPD mother didn't have much to do with me. She wrote me out of her legal papers, named a family member as POA. She kept her finances and her daily life secret from us. I wasn't sure she could manage with her BPD but I had no way of knowing for sure.

Some time later, we kids got a revised set of papers from her attorney naming us as POA. I agreed because I knew we, her kids, had her best interest at heart. She tended to trust people who may have taken advantage of her- and we knew we wouldn't do that. However, she remained in control and so it was more like being the disempowered POA. At some point, her extended family became concerned, she needed assistance and reached out to me.

I don't live close to her and so didn't have direct hands on care but she did have some funds to stay in assisted living. I was in frequent contact with her extended family, and her medical team and did visit. I did what I felt I needed to do, and it was my choice to do so, without expectations.

Your situation is different in that there are siblings to be there for care- but your reasons may be beyond care for your mother. You may wish to do this as part of the relationship with your siblings- to be of emotional support to them, or for your own wish to see for yourself that your mother is cared for, even if it isn't by you. You can also decide on your own boundaries, and what is needed for you to maintain your own emotional health. Each situation is different.









 

I think your user name is a realistic one- feeling scared is understandable. You are about to become a father, your GF has emotional needs, and this is a lot. I will share some points of perspective- as an adult daughter of a mother with BPD, and also a mother myself-and my children are adults now too.

That your GF is exhibiting more BPD behaviors since you moved in together and she's pregnant is not due to anything you did "wrong" or that you aren't being "good enough". It may also not be entirely hormones/pregnancy. It's a function of BPD which affects the closest relationships the most- so moving in together advanced the relationship in this direction. Hormones and pregnancy can affect mood and how someone feels but how much this is BPD and how much is the pregnancy, one won't know at the moment. On your part- know that you haven't "failed" to be a good BF because of this.

The baby analogy is similar, on an emotional level, however, your GF is not a baby. She's an adult, albeit one with BPD that makes it difficult to manage emotions. Learning to self soothe, to manage emotions, is an ongoing childhood task. BPD makes that more difficult but soon you will have an actual baby. That baby, at first, will be completely dependent on parents for everything, including soothing them when they are upset. The baby can not be left alone at all, and needs 24/7 care, but adults do not. Childhood is an 18 year or so transition between these two stages.

One early task this baby will have is learning to go to sleep. We rock babies to sleep, but eventually, the advice is to rock them at bedtime but put them in their crib slightly drowsy, not fully asleep, and let them learn to soothe themselves to sleep even if they fuss for a few moments. (if they are screaming, distressed, that's a different situation). Babies wake up several times a night to feed at first, which is normal baby care, and a temporary time of sleep disruption for parents,  but if the baby become always dependent on parents to get to sleep, and can't soothe themselves- then the parents are woken with crying way past that stage. The baby is fine- this won't hurt the baby- the older baby/toddler can sleep whenever they want. It's the parents, who will have sleep deprivation- and they have to be awake to function during the day.

I am pointing this out because, while this is a developmental skill that a baby needs to learn, it's the caregiver, the parent who also needs the baby to have this skill, because if the baby doesn't have it- they are the ones paying the "physical" cost of losing sleep, past the time when the baby needs to be fed at night.

Another emotional regulation skill is to learn to manage emotions when not getting what they want. Toddlers don't have this yet, but they still rely on parents to make decisions for them. A toddler may ask for cookies for dinner, and the parent will say no- because that is not a nutritious dinner. The toddler will tantrum. They will cry, kick on the floor, and possibly say "you are a bad Daddy".

Which is the best "good Dad" decision? Give the toddler the cookie, the toddler calms down, decides you are a nice Dad. Then learns that this behavior works to get them cookies for dinner, and keeps on tantruming.

Or- the Dad knows he's a good Dad, no matter what the toddler says, and says no, dinner is meat and vegetables, and lets the toddler tantrum and learn that this behavior doesn't work. Eventually the toddler outgrows the behavior.

What makes a good parent?  Acting in the child's best interest, not according to the child's feelings. If the child directed their care - parents would be up all night, meals would consist of ice cream and cookies, and the house would be filled with toys and messy. Good parents provide age appropriate boundaries, and decide in the best interest for the child, even if the child tantrums.

Every human needs boundaries. One of the main ones is knowing - what is "me" what isn't "me". We determine who we are. For instance, you know you are a human, a male, how tall you are, and things about you, like your favorite foods, sports team, and your ethics. If we look to other people to decide who we are- then we don't have a solid sense of self boundary.

If you look to your GF feelings to decide your "goodness" then this will change according to her feelings. If your child, as a toddler, says you are a bad Dad because you don't let them have cookies for dinner- you know that isn't true, just because they said it during a tantrum.

For a pwBPD- their feelings feel like facts. They also tend to project their feelings, have black and white thinking. It may not be possible for you to be consistently a "good BF" in their thinking, and if you look to their feelings to decide your goodness, it may not be consistently attainable.

You need to have this boundary of what determines your "goodness". It's not perfection. You are human and humans aren't perfect all the time. Being available to your GF at all times to help her calm down isn't realistic. You need to work your job, you need sleep and time to yourself to take care of you. You are not a bad BF for taking care of your basic human needs.

One aspect of being a good father is to provide for your baby. The baby can't earn a living and babies need diapers, health care, housing, and more- these cost money. Your job is a necessity. You are not a bad BF for having a boundary to not be available while you are at work. Pook is correct in that you can't try to reason with your GF when she's in the middle of her emotional distress, but when she's calmer, later, you can say "I need to focus on my job during the day. I will check my phone at lunch, but otherwise I can not be available". This is not unreasonable. What if you were a surgeon or a pilot- would you stop the operation or plane to answer the phone? People need to focus on their jobs.

You aren't a bad BF- you are human and with a lot on your plate. Soon, you will have a baby, in addition to your GF who will need you, and so, it's necessary to have boundaries for your own well being and also for the sake of the child who will truly be dependent on you. We don't tell posters to stay or leave. I will say that each decision is a challenging one. One isn't the "better person" if they stay or leave- each makes the best decision possible in their circumstances.

They say on a plane "put your oxygen mask on first". The parent needs to be OK in order to take care of the baby or anyone else. The baby needs you to be an emotionally intact and functional father. You also can decide what you need to do to preserve your own emotional health. You are the one to decide which is the situation in which you can do that.

I’ve been seeing this guy for over eight months now I’m 19 he’s 20. We met at uni he has bpd and trauma relating to SA. Recently, we had exams at uni and out of to me felt like nowhere he asked to stop talking until exams were over it ended up being three weeks. After that he invited me over said he was nervous to move into new accom and wanted me because I’m familiar. By the time his exams were completely finished I had to go home. I rang him and we got into a talk and I asked why he asked for a pause and he said I assaulted him and I didn’t really know what he meant because I’d never do that and he said I repeatedly tried to get with him while he was asleep. That never happened one time I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping before I left. This happened months before. He never tells me any of this stuff and I always ask him to talk to me and I try to not invalidate him when I disagree and I never shout or blame him, I tell him I’m not cross and I want to make sure he’s ok. It’s still not over and I’m not sure why. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?

Oh yes, my pwBPD would do the exact same thing.  In fact, going no-contact with a parent was the purported excuse to avoid a family event like a birthday, holiday, wedding or graduation.  But I think that going no-contact with a parent was merely a "cover" for a deeper, fundamental issue of intense feelings of shame, inferiority and jealousy.  My pwBPD will practically fall apart if anyone asks, "How are you?/What's new with you?How's school/work?" which are typical questions from well-meaning family and friends at this sort of event.

I actually think that the no-contact excuse potentially makes things easier for you.  If your graduating daughter asks about her sister, you might reply, "I'm afraid I don't know about her plans because she hasn't told me."  Or, "Your sister doesn't mean to hurt you by not coming--she's just mad at me right now.  Don't you worry about that, this day is about YOU, not your sister."

It's the never-ending battle mode for me - and the expectation that with each new battle, everyone comes running with unconditional, unquestioning loyalty - and the anger when you fail to respond unquestioningly. And, the ways your hesitation to blindly accept is met by others as a character flaw. On repeat. Couple that with the fact that you want to be supportive in the moment from battle to battle, but recognize that this exacerbates pattern that is harmful to all involved. So you get to be the bad guy. On repeat. Yuck.

Thank you Pook for your words of encouragement.
After the crash out he had I did speak to him a few days later expressing to him to the conditions we are leaving in his hands, get help or he has to find a place to live that is not with me.
He has to follow through to the best of his ability, which is very minimal but he has to try. I love him and forgive him, and I will always love him and

I think when I say resentment, I don’t necessarily mean unforgiveness persay. I think I mean it festers and leaves me feeling drained and not wanting to ever give of myself to them the way I once did. Time, energy, thoughts, nothing. I just want to react by flight and not looking back.
As I write this that is probably for the best. We are not meant to like everyone, I guess I just hate that this is with my son whom I love.
I have no desire to put myself in the line of fire over and over. Maybe that isn’t what it is but it sure feels like it.

Notwendy, I am unsure what ACA is, can you let me know.
I am religious person
I will definitely consider journaling about that as well, that is a great idea, thank you!!

Here's the thing, you're still focused on the words she's saying.  That's not the real problem.

For instance, last year I was weed whacking around trees and got too close to a wasp nest.  They absolutely lit me up on the ear, the forehead, the nose, the back of my neck.  And immediately, involuntarily, I drop the weed whacker and start to flee while I'm saying God knows what out of my mouth.  I was cussing and yelling and panicking all at once.  I have zero clue what I actually said though...but my neightbor did.

Maybe 30 minutes later, a neighbor came to check on me because she said it looked like I was having a nervous breakdown.  She saw all the welts on my face and we both laughed, and then she told me a few of the choice cuss words and other things I shouted out to the world.  That's not me at all, I generally don't cuss.

In this example, whatever I said was not the problem- the 20+ wasp stings were the problem. 

Mental pain works the exact same way- you can't see it, you don't know what brought it on, and your first reaction is to "fix things", even though the communication makes it hard to find the actual problem.  Don't get pulled in by the words, they're misleading and just emotional babble most of the time.  Focus on the emotions instead.

Again, this is IMPOSSIBLY HARD and there's no easy answers or methods.  But it can be accomplished over time if you have the patience to learn and grow.

So, I have been off this board for a while. I have a sibling who I suspect has uBPD and uNCD - or at least has behavioral patterns that reflect these disorders. I have personally worked through all the things with her and with my family (who enable her), and a big part of that was establishing clear boundaries with her and her family and developing independent relationships with other family members. There are so many things, but the gist is that she is always in a battle - and the battles are always huge. She is at the center as a hero fighting for the morally just. She has been victimized and then comes out fighting like hell. The pattern has repeated itself the last forty years, with increasingly high stakes. She involves and sometimes centers her kids in these battles, to the point that they see her as their savior. And I have to say, they have been through some really tough stuff. And there are times she's perfectly pleasant. So there are times, not as many as there used to be, that I wonder if my boundaries are appropriate and I question if I am just being cold-hearted by not running to her aid when the next battle comes up. That's where I'm at now. She just got done with one major battle last year, had a couple smaller ones pop up, iced another sibling out of family gatherings (like she did me), and is starting up a whole new battle that everyone in the family is gearing up to run to support her in it again. And once again, I feel like a jerk. This battle (and most of hers) has always had some merit, so of course I want to support where I can, but like all things, it is taken to the absolute extreme. But, then I'm reminded of all the manipulation, narrative re-structuring, idealizing and devaluing of me in particular, insistence that I said and did things I never did, extreme claims, memories of her emotional responses to facts rather than facts themselves, telling me I deserve to suffer, and all the grandiose claims. I have worked through all of the past hurts, have established and maintained strong boundaries despite the fact that the rest of the family does not acknowledge her behavior as problematic. I think I've come to realize that I am responding to the behavioral pattern and the rest of my siblings are responding to each battle as they come up. I've always said I want her to have peace in her life. I don't know. Feeling gross because here we go again.

Hello and welcome to the family!  And great question!

Unfortunately, the experiences tend to be mixed when it comes to reconnecting.  Many here have done it successfully, myself included, but not all of those stories have happy endings.  In some of them, everything was wonderful for a period of time, then everything blew up.  In others, there was lots of bitterness in the reconnection and it quickly brought up old patterns and memories.

I think to give you a better answer, we'd have to talk about your motives.  I mean, you've already laid them out nicely- mom's getting old, she doesn't necessarily need you with the big family, but it would be nice to smooth things over. 

Are there any other reasons?  What about grandkids?

A common "theme" here seems to have been around major life events, holidays, etc.  Do you get together with your siblings at all for July 4th, Thanksgiving, or Christmas?  That would be the easiest way to "test the waters" without actually diving in.