A light bulb moment this morning.

[dumpsterdog]

Trying to help my mother this morning... ( . I had a bad accident so I'm staying in my parents basement till im healed a bit better,,)  ,anyhow,,,mom asked me to help her with a song on the computer... .( she is signing at church in a couple weeks )... she wanted a karaoke typ background track, and some how she's convinced that i know everything about music and computers , therefor ... .surely i should be able to help her... .

I can do somethings , yes... .but what she was asking me to do would have required downloading a program and installing it , learning how to use it... .definitely not a 10 minute task... .i tried to explain to her that if she really wanted this to happen ( she wanted the lead singing voice extracted from  a you tube video )... .can be done but requires tools and time... .

Anyway , as she was hovering over me pointing and saying " what if this, what if that etc... .cant you just do this ,,,I WANT THIS , I WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE THAT... .ETC... .DEMANDS THAT COULD NOT BE MET FAST ENOUGH, AND MAYBE NOT AT ALL"

I tried to be realistic and said " this can be done but not in 10 minutes right now and i explained that it would take some time and effort and that it was really a Project ... not a " just do this for me real quick " type thing... .
She threw her hands up in the air saying " i'll just do it myself "... .and then when i tried to ask her if she wanted me to do it , but trying to get her to understand that she was going to have to be patient,,,she lost it... .threw her hands up in the air and told me i needed to go see a doctor and get  some medicine for my anger issues and to stop " yelling at her "... .by this time , i was whispering, telling her ... i'
m not yelling at you, matter of fact im whispering on purpose so as not to make you fell like im yelling... .she said a few angry , abusive things and left the room.

HERE IS MY POINT... .I then realized why i look for BPS women... .I grew up with one... .asking the impossible to be done right now, and then blowing a fuse and making me feel inadequate when i cant do it... .no win scenario... .

AHHHHH  now I see a pattern...
So what do i do with this new info on myself.?

[JNChell]

I’m strapped for time at the moment, but this really resonates with me! I’ll post more later. Try to find some research/articles on “corrective outcomes”.

[JNChell]

DD, there’s a good chance that you attract and stay attached to these relationships because your core is seeking a corrective outcome. Has this been the relationship between you and your mom the whole time? Are you constantly feeling like you have to please or accommodate her? How does it feel to have your mother doing this to you as an adult?

[Mutt]

Does your mom have a pattern of lack of impulse control and self regulation? If she is BPD and you grew in a house like that then what do you think you sought with your pwBPD. I didn’t know how common mental illnesses were until my uBPDw she reminded me of my dad but more severe and some things didn’t match my dad is narcissistic.

[dumpsterdog]

my mom does not drink , smoke, drugs,, anything that you would associate wiht impl=ulse control... .however, she respects now boudaries at all... .like she has no filter when it comes to needeing to be satisfied right now, alwasy telling everybody what they should do... even whne its non of her business, highly critical, always has the last word... .was physically abusive when i was younger, before it becamse known that using aswitch or a wooden spoon on youngsters if frowned upon... .yes... i had my share of " whippins " ... Na " i'll giveyou something to cry about "... .and " i'l pinch a plug out of you "... .oh yes moms way or you got hurt... .deidnnt matter who was aaround... .mom was always gonna start the fight and win it... .
and yes thats so much like my recent ex... it isnt even funny... .
i have beeen off and on... .stayed away from her for 20 years... then she plays the victim card... .we love yuou and just want to be a family... .i come home for a spell every few years now, but this time im injured form a construction accident and have to stay for a few more weeks / maybe months... .

[Mutt]

I’m sorry that you had a rough child and Imsoorry to hear about tracent accident. BPD is s spectrum disorder, pwBPD have different traits and severity I see traits from what you shared with us. Lack of impulse control is self destructive behaviour, my exuBPDw wasn’t a drinker or a drug addict she was diagnosed with depression, she was impulsive leaving her family and taking risks with leaving with someone she didn’t know that’s impulsive. Here are some BPD symptoms from the following article.

* Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
* Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
* Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
* Fear of being alone

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Overview

We have the tools here that help with communicating more effectively with a pwBPD on the bettering board the board is for all r/s’s it might be worth taking a look at their lessons?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

[Harley Quinn]

dd I want to congratulate you for making this connection.  Sometimes we don't see what's in front of our eyes and what we grew up with was our 'norm' so looking back often we don't recognise things that others might see as red flags.  This is a real breakthrough for you and I'm sure it has you wondering what you can now do with this information to make changes for yourself. 

I've been looking more closely at my FOO and seeing patterns in my own life that include learned behaviours from my childhood, many of which haven't served me and have led me into destructive relationships.  Personally, I have long term therapy lined up and am on the waiting list for this.  Also a good counsellor in the meantime and what I can tell you is that once our eyes are opened, it gives us a lot of opportunity to take back some control of our actions.  Good on you for recognising what led you to where you are.  Now you have the chance to choose your own direction.     Go easy on yourself as things start to come up for you.  Unravelling some of this takes time, so be sure to do 'feel good' things alongside self reflection in order to sustain yourself.

Love and light x

[gotbushels]

Hi dumpsterdog  

I'd like to join the others in supporting you.  

HERE IS MY POINT... .I then realized why i look for BPS women... .I grew up with one... .asking the impossible to be done right now, and then blowing a fuse and making me feel inadequate when i cant do it... .no win scenario... .

That's quite a big realisation, I think. It's thought that people tend to repeat relationship types between generational levels. At first, because it's your own parent-child relationship, it would seem daunting and a bit of a slap in the face. Anyway, a cornerstone psychologist encouraged his students to work with the materials using the students' own families, so I encourage you in that you walk on a similar path of great people.  
 

So what do i do with this new info on myself.?

I think for the anxiety around this issue, I do think Harley Quinn made a fabulous suggestion.

Go easy on yourself as things start to come up for you.  Unravelling some of this takes time, so be sure to do 'feel good' things alongside self reflection in order to sustain yourself.

Self-compassion while you're trying to figure these things out for yourself will be a highly beneficial ingredient. Some people like to go for walks or do some physical exertion.

i come home for a spell every few years now, but this time im injured form a construction accident and have to stay for a few more weeks / maybe months... .

Because of the accident, you might consider the walk or speaking to your physiotherapist for recommendations. Some have great advice for low-strain things to look after yourself with.

If you have the resources, I do think you'd want to engage a qualified T or P (for the therapy portion) because adult-to-parent issues can be difficult to navigate. They can help keep yourself grounded and not make things worse.

I hope you find peace.