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Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Poll
Question: Would you be in your "BPD Relationship" again?
Yes - 15 (11.6%)
Maybe, if... - 22 (17.1%)
Don't know - 9 (7%)
No - 83 (64.3%)
Total Voters: 129

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Author Topic: Would you be in your "BPD Relationship" again?  (Read 872 times)
nyfit1

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« Reply #30 on: July 24, 2013, 12:22:03 PM »

No, no and no. Wish I had a time machine. If I did I would go back to the first day I met her and kick my own ass.
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charred
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« Reply #31 on: July 24, 2013, 12:54:39 PM »

No, no and no. Wish I had a time machine. If I did I would go back to the first day I met her and kick my own ass.

My sentiments exactly... .

Was devastated when dumped for no reason originally... . hurt by her showing up with other guy across street from where I lived, moved 1500 miles away, left family, city I grew up in, and friends just to be apart from her... . 27 yrs later she contacts me, it ends in divorce, trouble for my exwife, daughter... . I have lost a business, best job I ever had, 1/2 my stuff and a lot of self respect from the r/s.

She has been the bane of my existence... . wish I had never met her.
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talithacumi
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« Reply #32 on: July 24, 2013, 06:09:19 PM »

Not a chance.

Would I trade what I've learned from this experience for having never having had it in the first place?

Absolutely.

That said, having had it and having learned what I have from it, I do believe I'm emerging a better, healthier, genuinely happier, and more complete person in my own right for it ... . but I also believe, if this were as necessary as I keep being told/telling myself it actually was, I or the fates eventually would have found another perhaps kinder, gentler, and more proactive way to achieve the same end.

Calling it a gift makes about as much sense to me as calling getting pushed off a cliff a shortcut to the bottom.



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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #33 on: July 24, 2013, 07:03:38 PM »

If I knew then what I know now the relationship wouldn't have lasted very long; the only reason it lasted as long as it did was because I took all the abuse, devaluation, insults and rudeness and didn't stand up for myself, and as soon as I started to, the relationship ended.  She needed to hit me with a constant barrage of beratement to temper her feelings of inadequacy, and I would have put up with it for about a minute if we were to go again.  Good news though right?  Post-relationship I've already found myself holding my ground and tolerating a whole lot less sht from people in general and significant women in particular.  Live and learn, thanks BPD.
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danley
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« Reply #34 on: July 24, 2013, 07:04:08 PM »

I don't think I would, especially if I had known my ex had major fears and emotional issues. They never fully emerged til the last year of our relationship. If I had known earlier about them I would probably set better boundaries. I never met someone who played a such a good role to everyone. He has practically everyone fooled including his best friend and family. I would have taken different steps towards him. I definitely wouldn't have gave so much of myself that I had nothing left in the end but resentment. But then again, had I made those changes, he probably wouldn't have lasted as long with me.

But It's all in the past now and I can't change that all now. If there were a chance to reconciliation I'd not be so quick to take him back. I'm still healing from the hurricane of his disorder. He would have to take initiative to seek professional help on his own and maybe together in some kind of couples counseling. I'd have to see CONSISTENT progress, even of slowly as I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle. But even then, there would need to be rebuilding of trust. And after typing what I just said, it seems impossible. So right now, I am trying to focus on rebuilding my confidence and having balance.
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mcc503764
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« Reply #35 on: July 24, 2013, 10:13:40 PM »

I don't think I would, especially if I had known my ex had major fears and emotional issues. They never fully emerged til the last year of our relationship. If I had known earlier about them I would probably set better boundaries. I never met someone who played a such a good role to everyone. He has practically everyone fooled including his best friend and family. I would have taken different steps towards him. I definitely wouldn't have gave so much of myself that I had nothing left in the end but resentment. But then again, had I made those changes, he probably wouldn't have lasted as long with me.

But It's all in the past now and I can't change that all now. If there were a chance to reconciliation I'd not be so quick to take him back. I'm still healing from the hurricane of his disorder. He would have to take initiative to seek professional help on his own and maybe together in some kind of couples counseling. I'd have to see CONSISTENT progress, even of slowly as I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle. But even then, there would need to be rebuilding of trust. And after typing what I just said, it seems impossible. So right now, I am trying to focus on rebuilding my confidence and having balance.

sounds like you are still bargaining with the whole situation?  What are your thoughts about that?
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danley
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« Reply #36 on: July 24, 2013, 11:24:58 PM »

I don't think I would, especially if I had known my ex had major fears and emotional issues. They never fully emerged til the last year of our relationship. If I had known earlier about them I would probably set better boundaries. I never met someone who played a such a good role to everyone. He has practically everyone fooled including his best friend and family. I would have taken different steps towards him. I definitely wouldn't have gave so much of myself that I had nothing left in the end but resentment. But then again, had I made those changes, he probably wouldn't have lasted as long with me.

But It's all in the past now and I can't change that all now. If there were a chance to reconciliation I'd not be so quick to take him back. I'm still healing from the hurricane of his disorder. He would have to take initiative to seek professional help on his own and maybe together in some kind of couples counseling. I'd have to see CONSISTENT progress, even of slowly as I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle. But even then, there would need to be rebuilding of trust. And after typing what I just said, it seems impossible. So right now, I am trying to focus on rebuilding my confidence and having balance.

sounds like you are still bargaining with the whole situation?  What are your thoughts about that?

Yup. It sucks. I think about the good sides of my ex and I start to feel unsure about myself.

I guess today I feel a little sensitive and down... . WEAK! Today we would have been celebrating a monumental point in our lives together. We planned for it for 2 years. I spent a lot of time thinking about him today especially because of todays date. I remembered a lot of the good. But just a little while ago received a text saying he wanted to share how his day went with the event we had planned together but couldnt talk today because he was not alone. I felt annoyed that he would tell me he wasnt alone on this day that he KNOWS is important to me as ive been waiting so long to share it with him. Talk about a slap to my face. I felt like he was rubbing it in or something. First that he's at the event and second that hes not alone. Ugh. I don't know who he's with but Im assuming its with his new chick. It really hit hard that ALL the  waiting for him and being patient in our relationship and being hopeful was ALL IN VAIN! And why the freck are you even texting if you're with your new joy toy? Ugh!

Sorry. If you havent noticed im a little bitter today. Felt like i had a relapse

I need a vacation far far away... .
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twester65

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #37 on: July 26, 2013, 04:02:32 PM »

I loved him so much. I'd have given the guy the shirt off my back. I thought he was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. That's with all the turbulence, the break ups, the bizarre behavior, the projecting, the splitting etc. When he suddenly dumped me at a time I would most need a partner's support, thus adding trauma on top of crisis, I realized there was something irreparably wrong with the guy. It wasn't simply a question of being patient.

No, I wouldn't take him back. I can't abide the presence of untrustworthy people. I play a hard game of baseball. He got his two strikes. He'll get no opportunity for a third.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #38 on: July 26, 2013, 04:46:24 PM »

Twester did we see the same guy?

The beauty, the projecting splitting jealousy domination attempts - and dumping when support most needed! Oh it's always the same story eh or variations thereof.

As the person above posted, as there isn't a 'HELL NO' button I just pressed 'NO'.

And if I could repeat that NO a thousand times I would!

I still feel gutted... . but I have to say... . thank God he's gone. He brought me nothing good except sex which is fleeting and a couple of nice holidays I could have had with someone nicer. The rest was just exploitation, guilt and abuse which I took for reasons I can't quite yet fathom. Guilt and core parental wounds I think
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #39 on: July 26, 2013, 05:40:38 PM »

I'm still far from over my XBPDBF.  He dumped me.  That's probably a big part of it.  There are many things I wish I had done differently.  I think I would have handled things differently if I hadn't started feeling so insecure in the relationship.  I especially wish I was handling the break up better. 
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SurvivedLove
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« Reply #40 on: July 26, 2013, 05:54:18 PM »

I wouldn't, even if he was the last man on earth and there were no sheep.

I learned my lesson the first time around and I don't believe I'm dumb enough to stick my hand into the flames once more after the way I got burned. Not again Smiling (click to insert in post).
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Trick1004
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« Reply #41 on: July 27, 2013, 12:49:04 AM »

Had to vote no, hopefully once will be enough for me.

Despite the pain of going through this experience I am glad it did happen. I am going to learn from it and hopefully is going to make me a better person in the long run. It has forced me to take a long, deep look at myself and my own flaws that I am still discovering.

Would I want to do it again, having gone through it once? That's an easy answer, NO!
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MammaMia
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« Reply #42 on: July 27, 2013, 01:15:16 AM »

Unfortunately, my BPD relationship is with my son.  I can't divorce him.

Do I wish things were different?  Absolutely.  I would do anything to have him born

into a sane world without BPD.  He does not deserve this terrible disorder, nor does anyone who loves him.  Every parent with a BPD child knows about guilt.

Bpd is cruel, hurtful, heartbreaking, frustrating, evil... . and the list goes on and on.  No amount of praying will make BPD go away.  But we still pray.  We pray for for guidance and sanity so we can deal with our beloved children who are extremely ill.

It is what it is, and for us to walk away is not an option.  They have no one else.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #43 on: July 27, 2013, 02:11:47 AM »

To answer the question:   absolutely, unequivocally NO.      This is a person I showed compassion, love, the utmost patience with, shared intimate details of my life, bent over backwards for, and they still chose to drive a dagger threw me.   They sucked all the compassion, love, and trust out of me honestly, in addition to just wasting a lengthy period of my life with circular arguments, meaningless sex, and constant lies. 

As a parent I love my child more than anything, if they were BPD I can't say what exactly I would do, but at some point as a parent you have to let them deal with the consequences of their own decisions/actions. 

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papawapa
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« Reply #44 on: July 27, 2013, 02:14:21 AM »

IF she got sober and stuck with therapy I would. But I don't see that happening.
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Mutt
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #45 on: July 27, 2013, 04:00:44 PM »

At first I voted maybe if... . but I'm changing it to no. I would go back into the relationship if she would go into therapy but she denies everything and I can't see her hitting her "rock bottom" anytime soon. I changed it to no because she slept with one other man that I know of and for that, I can't trust that she wouldn't do it again. I cared for her very much and the pain that she caused in the end as if it wasn't a big deal, well I just can't put myself through all of it again.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
eniale
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« Reply #46 on: July 27, 2013, 06:25:37 PM »

No, I would not.  But since I was in it, ignoring red flags and the advice of friends, now I must deal with the aftermath.  The relationship robbed me of the trust I always used to have.  Even though I considered him difficult, he always said wonderful things that assured me, such as "You have nothing to worry about, you are the only woman for me!" And "I would not want you seeing any other man, I want you all to myself!"  Yes, he said those things during the very time he was establishing another relationship for himself.  I never saw it coming, I was actually in a clinical state of shock, face as white as paper when I found out.  So, now I am concentrating on myself, and find the experience changed me as a person.  Now, I waste no time in asking for feedback, clarification, from those who know what I have been through.  Slowly, I am re-building the trust and confidence I once had, but it takes much energy.  So of course I would never, ever be in my BPD relationship again.  I never knew one human being could damage another so profoundly, never knew a human being could be capable of such outrageous duplicity.  Guess I thought everyone thought like "normal" & it was my misfortune to meet someone who, at first, was very charming.  At time, I do find myself feeling sorry for him, (he makes mistake, after mistake) then force myself to remember just what he did to me.  So now, I concentrate on healing myself. 
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Slowlybutsurely
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« Reply #47 on: July 27, 2013, 07:23:11 PM »

Uh, no. Not in One Million Years. No. No way no how. It was the worst and most awful relationship I've ever been in. I can't believe I was in it. Almost two years NC and I am totally over her, and over being enthralled with drama and crazy. Never again.
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MessedWith

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« Reply #48 on: July 27, 2013, 08:56:01 PM »

I was looking for a "HELL NO" option too.  When I occasionally go over to read what's on the "Staying" board I feel bad for them, my guts churn at what they are still putting up with from their BPD partner and the mammoth energy and effort they have to spend on figuring out how to manage it - when either being alone or finding a "normal" person to love is preferable to me.  I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than suffer that kind of addiction and emotional abuse ever again.  I've never felt more in love and loved (at times) but it wasn't worth the pain and damage done.  Love shouldn't come at such a price.

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