SUCCESS STORIES

[HoldingAHurricane]

We started our journey 5 years ago in a LDR which I’d like to say obscured my view but there were a lot of obvious signs of BPD. Since then my husband has been through a few diagnoses and settled with BPD, ADHD, and GAD. Medication for anxiety and ADHD. I don’t have any diagnoses but I survived a parent with BPD so that sums things up for me.

Both of us being in therapy was a necessity. It’s convenient to have the distraction of a partner with mental illness and in extreme chaos when you don’t want to acknowledge or attend to your own dysfunction. When that ‘benefit’ became apparent a few years ago I couldn’t ignore anymore I had issues to deal with. Obsessing over how he was and how I wanted him to be different didn't help me one bit.

His psychologist is a trauma specialist, master practitioner in EMDR, and has 25 years + experience in the field. Attendance was weekly and 2-weekly for the first year, then monthly and ‘as needed’ for the second. He had EMDR the majority of sessions. 2 months ago he was discharged and is officially in remission after 2 years of therapy. Not one single incidence of dissociation for months. His second last session involved some sort of reconnection/integration and he is like a different person. I can’t say enough how vital finding the right psychologist with the right training is. My husband was pretty determined to change from the beginning which was equally important. We sacrificed lots of things to afford so much therapy.

My therapy was/is also with a psychologist who has 35 years’ experience. She has led me through learning many new skills. It’s been like being re-parented is a lot of ways, learning things I should have learned as a child. I have grown up a lot. I’m much more mature, self reliant, self nurturing.

We are both more whole. I hope it lasts but I don’t spend too much time thinking about it. I am much more appreciative of living today today and leaving the worry of tomorrow for tomorrow.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Caro-Lin]

I agree with the views expressed here. Validating my partner's feelings, yet maintaining my own boundaries, makes life together quite 'wonderful'. And the other side of the coin, is watching myself and dealing with my own issues. In a sense, we're all victims of our past, which is why there are always four people in a relationship - you and your inner child, your partner and his/her inner child. Recognise whether you're dealing with the adult or with the child, and mould your reactions/behaviour accordingly. I have found this works well for me - both with his abandonment fears, and my own.

[missushine18]

I'm new to this board, and this website, but i have been in a relationship with my BPD parter for a year now.

He was initially diagnosed as Bipolar, but after extensive reading and understanding I'm 100% certain he is BPD. And this is something he hasn't accepted or confronted yet, as i think living with a diagnosis for over 20 years can make you cling to that as a sense of identity.

I'm so grateful for all your success stories, as there aren't many out there, and that doesn't inspire much hope for somebody who like me is only scratching the surface right now.

You have all given me much hope that this can be controlled/overcome.

My only challenge now is the fact that we dont have access to therapy as we live in a foreign country. However I'm trying to gain as much knowledge, and read as much as i can about DBT and hope to be able to make a difference. Its very encouraging to hear that most of you as parters had to look inwards to make a change, as well as other therapies, as this is something i have been trying to do for a very long time, working through a lot holistic approaches works for me.

Another thing which brought much comfort was hearing the comparison made to having to be the Buddha to be in a relationship with a BPD parter, as this is something i often said to others when they tried to give me advice. Its so incredibly hard to be pushed to the limit of your insecurities and still not react! Certainly something I'm still working on.

I guess in the end, doing the ground work for my self, and gaining any skills i can with DBT will if anything help me if not my partner.

Please keep posting your success stories, there are certainly other people like me that NEED to hear these!

Thank you to all of you

[momtara]

Amen. I agree with that. I do think that sometimes, people who are successful will not need the internet anymore so their stories will not be here. That said, it is a hard disorder to overcome. You can't completely change someone's way of thinking. It is very hard to live with someone in a severe BPD dysregulated state. No one deserves to have to worry about every little thing they say or do or which kind of person they're getting when they come home. I think if they have frequent therapy (weekly or more often), life could probably improve a lot. A therapist visit might thankfully come in the middle of a 3-day silent treatment. Unfortunately, there's no pill they can take (seemingly) to cure them.

[Chilibean13]

I just wanted to share a huge success that happened last night and again just a few moments ago.

Yesterday my uBPDh began accusing me of wanting to cheat on him with his boss who is also a friend of ours. He chose one out of my 50 FB posts to make the accusation off of 1 small 2 sentence post. He eventually stopped and went to visit a friend.

When he came home he very calmly told me he was sorry that he accused me of wanting to cheat. He told me he had been feeling insecure and took it out on me. He told me he knows that I wouldn't cheat but sometimes he gets to feeling a certain way and he can't stop his mind from going there. This is the first time he has EVER apologized for an accusation. Although he didn't get it perfect he named his emotion and stated how his behavior was wrong. Major progress!

Then about 30 min ago I was worried about a test I have to take tomorrow and HE VALIDATED ME! He patted himself on the back and explained to me why and how he came to the decision to validate my feelings. It was a truly beautiful moment for me... .and for him! Again I can't remember him looking beyond his own emotions and truly considering mine.

I'll take all the little successes I can get

[momtara]

Those are two excellent things. Congratulations! pwBPD do have moments of clarity, so it depends on whether he will keep learning to do it more and more, or regress and stop. Please update us!

[Selkie3]

I'm happy to say my wife and I had a major breakthrough.  No she's not "cured," if that's really even possible, but she has had marked improvement.  And the culprit?  Biology.

To give the back-story, my wife is diagnosed with OCD and GAD, and while not diagnosed with BPD she exhibits obvious signs of least has BP traits.  They were not obvious at first; though we've been together for over a decade, the last couple of years she began to get worse and worse.  Her explosive anger and manipulative behavior started to get out of control, and it was only in the past year that I recognized the symptoms for what they are, thanks to this site.

Last fall we had a health scare when she started showing signs of menopause despite being in her early 30s.  After visits to a gynecologist and endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in hormones of the body), in turns out she was not menopausal, but rather it was the birth control pills.  She'd been taking them for a decade, and in the process of aging, her body's hormones had changed enough that these were causing her to have menopause like symptoms, including labile mood and memory difficulty.  Since stopping all hormonal birth control methods, not only did her menopause symptoms go away, but her BP traits toned down dramatically.  She suddenly gained the ability to at least recognize how she was acting, and can stop herself and apologize.  She is so much better she almost feels like a different person, the person I fell in love with.  The BP traits are not gone entirely, since they are technically part of her, but they've become more like when we first started dating, when she was not on the pill.

Women are all very different and hormones affect each women differently, so this is not a magic cure, and a lot of people with BPD may not have any biological component to their behavior.  In my wife's case, she seems to be very vulnerable to external influences, and this may be related to her also have an anxiety disorder.  But I hope by bringing this up, this may give some couples an angle they might not have thought of.

[Teal Green]

Thank you so much to everyone that has shared their success stories! Also many thank to everyone that has shared your stories of noticed improvement and change for the better! I have renewed hope! Three years ago I took some advice from a friend who is a firm believer in the idea that if you want someone to change, look in the mirror and change yourself first, and that is exactly what I did. I found a great T and started working on myself. I thought by now I would have seen a bit more than I have. For the most part the only real change has been me learning how to react to avert explosive arguments. I have also become more excepting of certain aspects of BPD and I am definitely more relaxed today than I was three years ago. Hopefully my uBPDh will come around soon and reconsider getting into the right kind of therapy. 

[Feelinstronger]

I had posted on the Detatching thread but now after 5 months of NC we are reunited and working on things.  He admits he has issues, and in the last two weeks has been to the ER, his GP, a psychiatrist and now is being referred to a neurologist for a complete work up.  No one in any of these appointments has mentioned BPD, however at some point soon I will.

I am so happy he is seeking professional help.  He has indicated he will do whatever it takes to be with me and marry me.

Here is an issue I need to deal with: since over the five years we were together he broke things off 8 times, devastating me more each time, my wonderful friends and family are advising me to RUN.  FAST.  However, I love this man.  Unconditionally.  I spent the five months of NC praying for him.  For him to be healed.  For me to have my heartbreak removed.  I did NOT pray for us to get back together. I became strong, self confident, resillient.  He is amazed. 

I WANT for this to work.  I believe in the redemptive power of prayer-I believe change is possible, healing is possible. 

I am willing to accept that my partner has mental issues - I love him anyway.  We shared wonderful times.  He is a good man. He is far from perfect, and so am I!

SHould I simply walk on faith, do the work, be by his side as he does the work, faces his issues head on like a real man?  That is what he is doing.  I am amazed.  How can I deal with very sincere well intentioned friends who think I am out of my gourd by going back and contemplaiting marriage?

[Highlander]

My husband had dBPD.  He was diagnosed in 2011 and has since recovered (no longer presents in 2016). 

When I first met him, he had behaviors that were alarmingly negative and would send me in a head spin.  ie: "I hate you, don't leave me" etc.  But his good behaviours always outweighed his bad ones.

Four years after we met, he became seriously unwell with the disorder, delusional, cutting himself, suicide attempt etc.  I knew that this was not the man I'd met and he was seriously unwell.  I stuck with him, through diagnosis and now recovery.

Our relationship is better than it has ever been.  He no longer has those annoying characteristics that he had when I met him, in which I was willing to live with for the rest of my life, but no longer need to.

The journey to recovery was one of my biggest eye openers of my life.  We shared the same psychologist and I was able to learn many things about myself. 

Sharing the same therapists, although not always recommended for all BPD sufferers helped in our circumstance immensely.  I would have the first hour and my husband trusted that I would give the therapist an accurate update of circumstances that occurred last since the last session.  This could only happen if your partner has absolute trust in yourself.  I was very lucky to have this.

Whats next?  We now have to deal with his undBPD mother, whom has always blamed me for giving him this illness and his resultant suicide attempt after I met him at the age of 30!

[livednlearned]

Looking forward to reading this, and thought others here might be interested to know about this new (as of 2016) book:

Hi all,

I came across this online and I'm halfway through the Kindle version.

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Borderline-Recovery-Personality-Disorder/dp/1626252343

Very moving, insightful and inspiring. Well worth reading

Reforming

[in_dire_need]

My BPD husband was hated by my friends and family because of his BPD traits.  He was depressed every now and then and finds it hard to mingle with people.  He was greatly misunderstood.
To give you a background we are not of the same race and we live in different countries.  We got married in my country and he greatly struggled living in my country because of the lack of job opportunity for foreigners and our stressful relationship with friends and family.  We decided to move to another country asap.  We both found jobs and settled in.  But after a few months,  he got sick because of the dust he was inhaling at work and the wage was really low.  He tried to look for another job but most don't offer written contracts. He then started to feel depressed,  irritable, angry and very critical again.  Honestly it was really hard for me because I was also adjusting being away from my country for the first time! I was taking everything in. We both had trouble sleeping and I thought we will both be ill if it continues. We both needed help! That time we thought of ways we  can seek help.  And there's only one solution that we can think of and that is to surround him with people who loves him and that is in his home.

With urgency he returned to his country with me. The first few months was still a struggle but the additional love and support that he is getting from his family and  church helped him handle his stress well tremendously! And now he has a job,  he is more relaxed and more joyful.

He knew he has BPD as he was diagnosed having it when he was a teenager.  He was taking Prozac for his depression before we've met. But he has chosen to stop it because he said it won't help him deal with the real issue of his depression. It was brave of him to do that.

Additional love,  support and prayers from his family and friends has tremendously helped him. Also having a job helped as it keeps him busy.  For the last few months,  he is consistently doing great.  I have never seen him like this before! Such a huge progress!

For us spouses and family members,  there is hope!  Give your best to show love,  seek help and pray!  

[Rilian]

I came back to this site today by chance and decided to give an update.  I wrote my first success story on this page nearly 4 years ago!  Two things immediately stand out for me:  1. We are still making more and more progress, and 2. This process of healing is never 'over.' 

My wife has come a very long way, and so have I.  In the past years her behavior has become more and more under control.  Her ability to recognize and live out her values (instead of impulses) is amazing.  She reaches out for help when she needs it (usually after only a little delay), and she apologizes for the things she does wrong (most of the time).  You can see it's not perfect, but neither am I. 

We honestly don't talk about BPD anymore.  The behavior she exhibited through our marriage, and since therapy in moments of emotional distress, is very reminiscent of BPD, but the recent concensus seems to center on her having Complex PTSD, and I guess a lot of professionals are discussing the relationship between the two disorders.  Complex PTSD comes from being raised in a house where the whole of her childhood was traumatic.  Where the trauma occurred not in just a specific moment, but over all the foundational years of her upbringing. 

What's clear for me is that over the last 4 years life has been livable.  There are still a lot of tense moments, shouting rages, prolonged depression, and our marriage has taken a lot of bruises.  She's had repressed memories surface, I've gone through my own nervous breakdown, marital separation at one point.  It's been very messy. 

However!  That sense that we are making progress has continued.  We are making progresss.  I am more assertive and confident in the relationship.  She rebounds much more quickly.  We recognize feeling as they surface and have learned how to respond more appropriately.  Our kids are still carrying around a lot of scars, but overall we are healing as a family.  I still have hope that she can live without having her anger control her.  It still feels worth it to me, though many in my life can't believe we've stuck it out this long. 

[Artemis_bpd]

This is how I managed to survive so far. I am in a relatively new relationship with an undiagnosed high functioning BPDbf. In a very short period of time, Less than six months, I got involved in his idealization, clinging, his fear of abandonment, push-pull, false accusations, double-binds, until I got painted black. All because his intense emotions got triggered.  When I saw that, I backed off... .It was not necessarily NC. I just dropped off some positive notes each day to know I still care about him, but I stepped back from the drama. It took one month of "drying up" or limited contact. It helped that I know about his condition and that it was not about me. During that time, I also dealt with my own fears and self-healing.

My objective was to let his emotions settle down somewhat. Last Holidays, we got back together happily.  It was as if no craziness happened in between. But, and a big but... .After the holidays, I stepped back again, I know that when his intense emotions are triggered, he cannot handle it, his emotions become out of control, lesson learned. So before it gets to that, I voluntarily stepped back in order not to trigger him. I don't provoke and I stay away so he does not provoke my own fears either. Sometimes I feel sad that in the midst of happiness, one has to step back and control the emotions before they become intense and be triggered. But I have accepted that. Some distance is needed to keep out of harm's way, it doesn't mean the love is less between us, the intense emotions just need to be managed before it gets Haywire. He too got surprised by his erratic intense emotions before and he steps back too. We let each other be.

[tonepoems]

Hi everyone,

I know most people who are on this forum are here because they need help and for the most part, those who have milder or successful cases don't tend to contribute to forums, so I thought it might be helpful and provide some hope for others.

It's been several months since I posted and my last post was pretty dire. At that time my husband had spiraled completely out of control into self-destructive behavior - he had a reckless affair with a co-worker, his drinking was out of control, he was self-harming, contemplating suicide, telling me he didn't love me anymore... .it got pretty bad for a while.

Believe it or not, we are 6 months into our renewed, happy and healthy marriage. I don't know how we both had the strength and courage to make it here, but we did.

We separated for two months and in that time, I discovered I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and my husband realized he had made a huge mistake.

He committed himself to therapy, DBT, and sobriety. I committed myself to continuing individual therapy as well, and setting firm boundaries, not feeling responsible for his moods and emotions, but also working hard to keep my emotions more even and regulated for the sake of our relationship.

We collaborated on a "relationship manifesto" where we outlined our values and we wrote out our promises to each other and ourselves.

We now have a weekly "relationship check-in" where we ask each other these 5 questions every week:
1. How are we doing?
2. What can I do better?
3. What did I do to make you feel loved this week?
4. Do you have any challenges coming up this week?
5. How can I best support you this week?

I also accompany my husband to his therapist about every 5th or 6th session so we can continue to navigate communication techniques for our situation.

I still have bad days in getting over the pain of the affair and harsh words of last year, he still has bad days where he deals with depression and low-self esteem, but overall, we are thriving. Our marriage is even strong than it was before and we communicate so honestly and clearly with each other now.

Special effort is made never to be accusatory, to always address everything in terms of "I feel this way when this happens... ." and to keep any suggestions in a positive tone, i.e. "I really like it when you do this... ." vs "you never do that... ."

We meditate almost every morning at the same time (we use the Calm app) and we've made it a point to put our marriage first and create some rituals (having lunch together once a week, doing at least one fun thing every weekend, etc.)

I can't recommend the book "Loving Someone with BPD" by Sharri Y. Manning enough - I would say that book was the turning point for both of us.

"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman was also helpful, though maybe not as empathetic as the first book.

It hasn't come easy, and we're both working hard, but I can't tell you how great it's been to see my husband smiling, laughing, and being loving again.

In any case, I know the situation is different for everyone and the choice to forgive my husband for cheating is something personal that I feel is up to each individual. I wouldn't blame anyone for a second for choosing to move on instead.

But if you're on here looking for someone with a happy ending, it looks like we're headed that way. smiley

Good luck to all of you and hang in there. <3

[knit knack]

WOW!

So wonderful to hear of success stories. That’s amazing to here some positive success stories.This site I am finding really great to get ideas and support from other members cause in the end we all want healthy loving relationships don’t we? Thanks for the book recommendation
Well done!

[surfsupap1]

Wow, amazing success story, I am at the 3.5 year mark in a somewhat similar BPD situation and completely agree with you. It's been a freakishly difficult road, but it will only really get better, when you finally stand with regard to how you will accept being treated. I would get so angry and try and rationalize with my BPD GF. Neither worked, I am learning, to politely and firmly say, "that hurt me and I don't feel comfortable being spoken to or treated that way", and shut up and let the BPD make the right choice. Don't argue, rationalize or get angry. Simply say, "I am not comfortable being treated or spoken to this way, and if things don't settle down, I am going to have to leave the room until things are calmer. We also started calling a 15 minute "fire drill" anytime either one of us got activated. We go into separate rooms and try and calm ourselves. After two such fire drills, I simply leave the house and spend the night somewhere else.  As a caretaker, you don't have to be treated in ways you don't feel comfortable with. However, it is very difficult under fire to stay calm, just breath calmly, wiggle your toes, count objects in the room while she/he is raging, let them get to a stopping point and say, "I am feeling activated, and for us need to take some space to calm myself down and I will be back in 10 minutes and would be happy to hear more about what you are feeling", But dont' allow yourself to be treated in ways you don't feel comfortable with.

[Pedro]

Dear tonepoems.

I am so pleased for you and your husband having read your message here.  I wish you both a long lasting, productive, and happy future together.

Pedro.

[DoubleBP2018]

It's good to read about our successes in these difficult relationships, here is mine:

My uHFBPDw and I have been married almost 40 years. I had no idea why our relationship just kept getting worse over the years. I came across SWOE 2 years ago and realized she has most of the BPD traits.

1st success: I stopped JADEing right away. After that I noticed that she seemed to get back to baseline sooner after minor dysregulations. I had stopped making things worse, and they seemed to be getting slightly better.

2nd success: A big problem over the last 3+ decades has been her use of the silent treatment, which happened between 3 and 12 times a year and typically lasted about 3 days. I had complained about this being an unreasonable thing to do in the past, which made it worse over time. After reading SWOE I simply told her how the silent treatment made me FEEL. It’s now been 2 years without the silent treatment. She still has major dysregulations, but she now maintains communication with me while dysregulated (criticism, complaining, blaming, name calling, verbal abuse). This is better because I can figure out WHAT she is upset about. I’m still working on ways to validate her feelings, but the (apparent) end of the silent treatment is definitely a success.

3rd success: A few days ago she dysregulated and really lashed out at me verbally. I’m getting pretty good at not reacting at all – I’m able to immediately start analyzing the situation and formulate a response. In this case it was to say nothing and calmly, politely leave the room (I’m still working on validating her feelings, I’m not quite there yet). The next day she APOLOGIZED via text message.  This is a big deal because she has never apologized to me before!

Our relationship is still basically a crappy one due to the accumulated resentments of decades of relationship problems, but 3 significant positive changes in 2 years is very encouraging. Gives me the hope I need to keep trying!

[Mangmo]

Hello can you please share some information with me regarding the extensive treatment you got for your wife ? I'm dealing with a very similar situation and I feel like my wife would be willing to do this if  I just knew the resources on how to find treatment like this ?

[Joelina]

Thank you!

These posts have given me so much hope. The point that has stood out to me the most is that what is needed is not out of my control at all because what  I need to change is me! I dont need to rely on anyone else to do anything for sucess! I am perfectly willing and capable of seeking out professional help to assess my part and more than happy to make that commitment and do the work needed to make changes! All streets are two ways.  I had started to succumb to my nagging doubts and had forgotten that I also play a part! I truly appreciate this reality check. 

There is no room for pride in love, and no person in a partnership is better than the other, otherwise it is not a partnership. These are important to hold close to my heart as I walk with this man. Love is only ever a gift, there are no exceptions, only a shift in perception is required to see its value.  I am not perfect and I have issues too they are not lesser than his only different.  This is a humbling moment for me.  Obviously one I needed.

Joelina

[BadIdeasCanSwim]

I haven't spent much time on this forum but it's been helpful during some really tough times. See here for the post I made that goes a bit into the back story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339017.msg13071815

I started dating my now wife in 2015. While there were some BPD signs early in the relationship (granted I had no idea what BPD was so they were just one of those weird isolated quirks that everyone has) I didn't really get to see the full extent of her BPD until we moved in together until early 2018. It was really a frog in boiling water type thing that went full mask off after we moved in together.

Early 2019 I came across the wikipedia page for BPD and had a heart stopping moment. I got into therapy shortly after that which helped a little bit, but her problems were getting worse. She was drinking more, self harming, destroying objects in our home, etc.The worst experience for me is when she would get really drunk at night and direct a lot of rage towards me. Screaming at me, disrupting sleep, etc.

Getting her into therapy was a huge struggle and incredibly frustrating. I cannot overstate how painful that specific experience was.

But she started DBT several months ago along with a new psychiatric medication. Exclusively speaking to my lived experience I cannot overstate how much better things have gotten. Literally night and day. The new medicine she takes will knock her out so instead of getting wasted and screaming at me she falls asleep - effectively eliminating the most painful aspects for me.

Of course she still struggles with her symptoms and there's a lot of three steps forward one step backwards, but I honestly could not have imagined just how quickly things improved. I have so much hope for the future of this relationship that I never could have imagined even at March of this year.

At least in terms of getting her into treatment here is what worked for us: I talked to her psychiatrist and told him some of the stuff that I was seeing in terms of emotional disregulation. I took particular care to avoid looking like I was just listing behaviors that fit the DSM V criteria and just explained what I saw and experienced in plain language. This caused him to suggest DBT and she got a referral from him. Prior to that I was just talking to her and explaining that I think DBT would be helpful, which was like talking to a brick wall. It seems so obvious in hindsight but for whatever reason it's not something I pushed, though I did ask her several times if I could call him on my own and she said no. In hindsight I would have insisted to go to an appointment with her.

[rebekkah]

these stories are so beautiful. thank you all for sharing

[Joshua92]

The stories are interesting. Some make you wonder

[Sanseb]

The stories are interesting. Some make you wonder

Some are genuinely great, others are a little questionable. Nonetheless I appreciate everyone writing about their experience

[Firsttimefather]

I needed to read these posts. My partner of a little over 12 months following a false call to the police that didn’t go terribly bad and a few ‘emotional blackmail’ threats, She called me to come back after four weeks of minimal contact and has offered to go to therapy and work on us.I’ve been going to therapy and working on me And I’m willing and wanting to give her another chance,/give  us another chance. It is definitely hard to find success stories and seeing some of the stories on this  thread I see are much worse than mind. This gives me hope. Thank you. If anybody’s interested you can find my stories scattered throughout the boards as I did not think we were going to pull it back together. This time is actually almost a more  legitimate ‘break up’. The last break up was kind of ambiguous so I feel it’s not out of line to give it one more chance, however seeing a lot of futures in relationships with BPD can be rather tumultuous it’s a bit daunting. Again your post gives me hope.

[thankful person]

I came to the forum in absolute despair about a year ago, naming myself “broken person”. I have since recently changed my name to “thankful person”. I just wanted to share my story which I shall try to keep as concise as possible.

I had a difficult childhood and came out of it with very low self worth, passively suicidal since the age of about 10. My first committed adult relationship was with a loving man everyone thought was wonderful including me. We traveled the world and emigrated together. But he was very controlling and I was not happy because I’d always wanted children and he refused to discuss it with me. We were together 14 years. I desperately yearned to be needed. I started talking to suicidal teenagers online. I needed to help someone, to make my own existence seem worthwhile.

And then I met a girl online… 15 years younger than me and barely an adult… self-harming, eating disordered, recently diagnosed bpd following a suicide attempt. She needed me. We soon started video calling and the calls would last for hours. We knew we were in love before either of us mentioned it. I was addicted, obsessed… I was not in control.

I had finally found what I’d always wanted, although I hadn’t thought I was looking for a relationship, I felt like I’d been looking for her forever. She wanted every part of me, all the time. She seduced me too. I’d loved girls before, but never like this.

I realised I had to tell my boyfriend. He was absolutely devastated. Immediately started treating me like a princess and admitted he’d been wanting to discuss having children with me. He became the perfect man. I realised I couldn’t leave him so I said I’d stay to give him a chance to make me happy. But I knew it was too late.

Eventually I left, to go back to my home country, to be with future bpd wife.. I hated myself every day for what I did to him. I didn’t want to leave him but it was unfair on him to stay.

My relationship with my girlfriend (now wife) was disastrous pretty much from the beginning. She was so jealous of my relationships with family and friends, my work (I worked with children), and my hobbies. Slowly but surely, over the next few years, whilst getting engaged, married, and her bearing 2 children for us via ivf, I gave up everything for her.

My wife was constantly criticising me and had so many crazy rules and things I wasn’t allowed to do.. I desperately tried to please her and not upset her and do things in a way that she wouldn’t be angry with me. I rarely succeeded in pleasing her.

I was desperate when I joined the bpd family because I was starting to realise that my wife’s behaviour was having a detrimental effect on our children. She was jealous of my relationship with the older child and would scream at me to put her down if she came to me for a cuddle and story.

Another rule she had was that I was not allowed to take photos of our children or send them to my mum. One day my mum was so upset about not getting any photos. I decided to take a stand, and told my wife that I would now be taking and sending photos to my mum. I was willing to give up my marriage over this. She was so angry and said our relationship was over. She didn’t forgive me for months. I didn’t handle things well as I hadn’t found the forum at that time. But eventually she did forgive me.

And then I started learning so much stuff on here. The people I have met on here have been so kind and supportive and helpful and I can never thank you all enough. I hope to be of help to others too. I highly recommend the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. Something clicked within me when I realised I was also some kind of caretaker for my ex and that was partly why I still couldn’t forgive myself 7 years later. I started taking better care of myself, standing up for myself, and learning how better to communicate effectively with my wife. There is another brilliant book called “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”. I realised I needed to practice self compassion so that I can model it for my children.

My whole story is documented on here if anyone is interested. I slowly realised that my wife was calmer, more reasonable, happier, with me behaving more normally and standing up for myself, doing things for myself. I realised that several big events and holidays had gone past and gone well. I was astounded. I can tell when my wife is about to lose it but I generally know how to calm her now. Also, the other side of this is looking after myself, if I can’t calm her. I am free to walk away, do something else. Her feelings do not have to be my feelings.

I hope I’ve included most of my story. As I said, I wanted to keep it concise. For some reason my wife is an absolute text book bpd case, where all the communication tools seem to work really well with her. I am now happier than I have ever been. I have made all of these changes on my own, and my wife has changed in response to me changing. For this to happen, ironically I had to give up all hope of having any control over her behaviour. My relationship is still a work in progress, but I am proud to say this is definitely a success story. My children are having a much calmer and happier childhood. I owe everything to the amazing bpd family here along with the books I have read. Special thank you to not Wendy, FF, Cat, and baby ducks for all the time you’ve spent helping me.

[Notwendy]

Thanks for the mention thankful person. I am so glad that things are better for you with your wife. We are all a "work in progress" and I know you will keep at it

[thankful person]

Not Wendy, no problem, I could not have done this without you.

I knew I’d forget something! I thought it important to also mention: my wife attended a few months of individual and group dbt sessions, before I left my ex for her. She did not complete the course. She did however, manage to beat the self harming and eating disorder, and therefore, considers herself cured from bpd. I don’t think she realises that any of her controlling, paranoid, raging behaviour is bpd related. Shame is a massive issue for my wife, but she rarely admits she is ashamed of anything, so I can’t be certain. When she does admit she has any shame, I am generally very surprised. One of my wife’s rules was that I was not allowed to go into therapy, because she didn’t want to be talked about. So that is why I say I have worked on this on my own, and without any admission from her that she has a problem.

[tina7868]

I am not sure if this qualifies as a success story. Firstly, I want to highlight how grateful I am to have found this forum. The insightful questions, practical advice, and judgement free responses have all been so helpful to me.

My story has to do with my own behaviour with respect to the person with BPD in my life, an ex partner who isn't currently in contact with me. I have written about the cycles that I was going through with them for the past two years or so. There would be peace and happiness, a build up of resentment, and then the cycles culminated in him cutting off all contact with me for a few weeks.

I started consistently journaling last summer and I recently found old journal entries. I read about how I was feeling so anxious and wanted the "feeling to stop," which pushed me to send my ex emails and make phone calls, desperate to get his attention. I was very much out of control. I didn't understand how someone who said they wanted to marry me would turn around and say they were disinterested in me. I felt like it was my fault.

I didn't send any e-mails this time. When he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore and proceeded to ignore me, I called him once that day. I haven't tried since. I still feel anxious sometimes, I don't deny it. I miss him and have many emotions. That being said, I don't take what happened as personal. I don't see my ex as an antagonist in my life. I take better responsability for my feelings, and I set inner boundaries.

I know I have more work to do, whether my ex reappears or not. I chose to take a moment to cherish this recognition of having overcome a way of being that wasn't serving me